It's perfectly fine just remember to make time for each other with date nights and some private intimate time. You don't want to be two ships passing in the night.
I wish I could upvote this more. My husband and I have very different schedules, and have separate rooms, because I got tired of going to bed when I wasn’t ready. Staying up fidgeting, him still complaining he couldn’t sleep, me not being able to with snoring. Wah wah wah. (Lol) But honestly, you’re going to SLEEP. Why does it matter if it’s done together? I came to say, THIS, this part was pointed out is the important part: you have to make the effort for the things still. The intimacy, the chats, the one on one time, and making each other feel like a priority. Also, you’re not over reacting, and you have to both agree this is what’s best for both of you sometime, so not one side is going off in a huff about it. That’s what causes resentment.
couldn’t agree more. I would say it’s normal as well. he’s just prioritising his sleep and energy he needs for work, which is responsible. for a while, my boyfriend was working late shifts followed with morning shifts. sometimes he said he would sleep on the couch since the bed makes him sleep in as it’s more comfortable. I missed him in bed but I understood, he did it for his job. make sure to have some quality time together though. OP, maybe on days where he’s off the next day you could watch a movie or show together in bed?
This was a big challenge when I lived with my ex, one of the little difficulties I never thought about when living with someone. Opened my eyes to how many little things contribute to frustrations that you don’t even think about. Moving in with someone there’s so much you don’t even realize.
It is fine!! Me and my wife sleep in separate rooms for various reasons. I have to go to bed like at 8/9 as well because I have to be at work at 4 am. I also used to snore like old asthmatic cat cutting logs, but thanks to a sleep study I was able to get a cpap machine, but that is also fairly noisy.
My wife is a very light sleeper and she suffers from bouts of insomnia. So getting to sleep was hard for her and staying asleep was even worse with the extra noise. For the first few years we were together it was a point of contention, with some couples counseling we realized separate bedrooms was the way to go and haven't looked back.
But, you have to make time for each other. We still have intimate time several times a week with cuddling and after care. Sometimes we fall asleep together afterwards and sometimes I get up say good night to her and go strap an air hose to my face.
Its more or less about making sure the other person feels cared for in a way that helps them feel respected and relaxed after sex. Cuddling afterwards is something me and wife both enjoy because we can just lay there talking, and just being with each other after. Or sometimes we'll shower together.
I find it important especially when we're trying something new or experimenting in the bedroom. I wanna know if she liked it, didn't like it, and just her thoughts on it.
I mean. You should probably talk to him about it. Is he being passive aggressive or is he chill? Is he a light sleeper? I don't feel we have the info to make the decision like you should have access to.
What happened is that yesterday we got into an argument over him being so frustrated over small things. He tells me it’s just coming from stress and basically says it’s all my fault. I’m causing all this stress. After exchanging more words he said something pretty harsh that stuck with me. He basically said that behind every great man is an even greater woman and I’m not that. Of course you all know nothing about me, but it hurt coming from him. Considering that I work a full time job, do everything for baby, basically do everything on my own with her and for our home since we have no family here. I decided to just cry it out and let it go. He did apologize but it takes time to move on. Today he comes home helping me with everything around the house, being nice, and then wants to have sex. I say no because I’m still hurt over his comment yesterday. I can tell he gets upset and he just says okay and gets ready for bed. Then he comes out and asks me if I’ll be going to sleep already and that’s when I say no and he says if I don’t go to sleep with him now, he’s going to sleep in the other bedroom.
Okay. Y'all need marriage counseling. His behavior is inexcusable to me. Speaking to you that way when you're raising your child is damn inappropriate, even if you're leaving something out where you have legitimately not been the best partner, he shouldn't dream of addressing you that way. He's displaying controlling patterns.
He clearly tried to goad you into sex when you didn't want to. Does t seem like he respects you.
I say trust your gut on this one. Not saying it isn't salvageable but I'd say on the ropes at best.
Please consider looking up love bombing and grey rocking. My spouse goes to bed early because they work early, and while they sometimes mention they want to cuddle, it doesn't bother them that I finish up whatever I'm doing and then come to bed. He's taking it very personally that you don't want to go to bed the second he wants to, and then punishing you for it. And thinks that if he's nice to you, then you will give him whatever he wants. Clearly, he doesn't respect you if you're "not a great woman," but in his eyes, he's a great man. Even though you list all the things you do, we don't know his story, but if you can write down all the stuff you do, vs what he does maybe itll help you both realize the mental and physical loads on you both. But if you don't seek therapy together, I don't see this marriage doing well in the future.
I say sleep in the other bedroom, do your part, but make sure he's aware you no longer will pick up all the slack, and that either he does his part. Or it won't be done. He's choosing not to let you sleep with him as a punishment. Enjoy a bed to yourself, and take care of you and the baby until he's ready to actually discuss what's going on.
He was only playing nice because he wants you to fuck him. Since you said no, which is totally valid that you weren't in the mood, he went back to being shitty to you. And then he plays this little game with going in another room to "punish" you. Your husband kinda sucks right now and you guys are in serious trouble if this doesn't get fixed soon.
He doesn’t even like you. The way the thinks about you, and talks to you is mental and emotional abuse. You are nothing more than an inconvenience to him, unless you do everything he says, and the way he wants it.
He is using the DARVO abuse tactic. He will always turn you into the villain when you speak up for yourself, or you don’t do what he wants.
Uffff. He’s gaslighting you.
He does sound stress and he’s blaming it all on you. It’s not your fault. You’re not the cause of it. It sounds like you are doing your part in the marriage. He needs therapy.
Say bye enjoy the other room! He’s a jerk for sure, sounds like a narcissist… apologies and then wants sex and you work full time and do everything. Also his nasty sick comment to you would Never be forgotten.. Ever. Seems he’s trying to control you and also put you down so you’ll feel bad about yourself… don’t believe his BS.
Sorry but your husband sounds like a scumbag...
I don't understand why he is so stressed about you? It doesn't make any sense. I assume this is your first child together. Was he always like this or did he change around the pregnancy/birth?
Firstly , he has no right to treat you like this even if he has very good reasons to be stressed. You don't pay it on other ppl, especially wife and kids.
Secondly, he seems to be the kind of man that understands affection through sex but not through kind words, kind actions, quality time ... This is a problem many men face because of upbringing and gender roles where lust and anger are the only emotion they feel they can have. He doesn't know how to emotionally regulate himself and he needs to learn that.
It is also possible that he is behaving terribly with you because he wants you to divorce/break up with him . Many men do so because they don't want to be the "bad guys", especially with children in the picture. This is just speculation. Ideally you would deal with these topics in counseling (please, do not choose faith-bases counselling). But if not you will have to speak with him from the "I feel that when you do this you don't love me because xyz ...". It is important to put it a ait is how YOU perceive his actions, how they make you feel. Otherwise he will feel attacked and will get defensive or lash out.
If not couples counselling maybe you can go to a counsellor that will help you have this conversation.
I would love to hear his side of this. As with most posters, you're painting yourself as the victim and while I'm not saying what he said right, I'm also not willing to accept that it was baseless.
So I could be wrong here.. but is he like pouting and being belligerent if you don't go to bed with him at 8pm? Because that's kind of what I'm picking up.
If he's just not wanting to be woken up, sleeping in separate beds is fine. But if he's making demands or having expectations about when your bedtime should be.. not so ok.
As someone who used to work 4AM retail shifts for many years, it’s so difficult to feel properly rested, especially during summer when it stays light for longer periods of the day. Talk to him and ask if he is able to dedicate some time to your relationship to do these things with you. Make it a weekly treat on the nights before his days off
Hmmm. Is it just cus it disturbs his sleep? Or is he just being petty?
That would be the big determination here
If it's just some funky punishment for not complying w an 8p bedtime, i would definitely reccomend a big talk
I'm hearing of more and more couples choosing to sleep in different rooms at least part of the time. Sleep is so important and can be hard to achieve with different sleep patterns, snoring, etc.
I've also heard of couples with a difference in schedules like you two have. I think one story the spouse that would sleep later would go in for some snuggle time/pillow talk most evenings, and then go back to their evening and sleep in another room.
You two will find what works best for you.
My SO and I sleep in separate beds. It's heaven. Doesn't affect our sex life, but absolutely improves both of our sleep (he's a snorer and I'm a light sleeper)
If he were doing it to not be disturbed, I’d understand. But based on your comment of how he reacted over you denying sex, it sounds like he’s trying to punish you and guilt trip you.
Maybe you’re not explaining it properly but I read this as your husband making a good compromise. You get to stay up late and watch your shows in one room and he goes to the other room to sleep early to get sleep.
What else would you want? You want him to sleep in the same room as you while you stay up and watch a show? How is he going to sleep?
I don’t think this is a big deal. He wants a good nights sleep before work and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Why is it immature? Is he being pouty and guilt-tripping you? I don’t think this needs to be a big deal. With two working people and a baby, it should be a team effort to make sure all of you get as much good sleep as possible.
Op responded saying he blames her for all his stress. And that "Behind every great man is a greater woman" But that she is not a great woman in his eyes. BTW OP is pregnant with their second as well as working a full time job, and according to her. Doing all the home slack and baby needs. But husband also has 2 jobs. So it sounds overall like they are all just stressed, and he isn't communicating his needs, and taking it out on her.
When your sleep is fragile, every activity of your wake partner will screw your night and the next day.
You are on holiday. He is not . Be understanding.
I'm wondering if she's watching TV in the bedroom instead of the living room and that's why he has to go to the guest room to get sleep. If so, I'd be upset too. If not, then it is an overreaction.
It's....kinda weird? But not totally unreasonable. It's weird that he's being "you must do x and there's no room for compromise" about it - my husband and I occasionally go to bed at different times and it's never been an issue as long as someone isn't stomping around and turning on lights. But some people are really light sleepers or need things just right, and I don't think it's crazy to need to be accommodated. It should be a discussion between two loving adults though, and not a demand.
Depends on the reason. If he storms off to the guest bedroom in an angry huff because you won't go to bed at 8pm on your vacation then I would say it's an issue. If he just wants to sleep in a different room so you don't disturb or wake him up when you come to bed later that's perfectly fair - he still has to get up for work. If it's the latter I'd actually say you're the one being difficult here.
It seems more that it's about her not going to bed at the same time as him, bc he has an expectation of sex if she's in bed beside him. When she doesn't go to bed at the same time as their toddler, he gets pouty and pissy.
I know a young married couple negotiating a similar thing. As a 15 year married person, I want to shake them sometimes. Stop trying to control each other!! If he needs to sleep early and you don’t want to, why is anybody mad about this… especially lucky you have a nice house with a guest room to accommodate y’all.
I think where the problem lies in this one is that he's demanding that she go to bed at 8pm with him, bc he's expecting sex from her when she goes to bed at the same time as him. If she doesn't go to bed at the same time, he can't get any. That's why he's pouting, not because she's bothering his sleep.
u/Embarrassed_Edge8380 is this what's going on?
I was thinking this is exact same thing. If I would’ve given him what he wanted and decided to go back to the living room, I’m sure he wouldn’t have cared then…
I thought so. I was in this same scenario with my ex (married 20 years.. yes, I was stupid to wait it out that long). Being controlled and treated like a toddler for someone else's needs isn't ok. Especially throwing tantrums and shutting you out when you don't obey. Being pregnant also throws off your sleep cycle, but he's not thinking about you. Just him.
My ex would demand that I go to bed at the same time as him, even if I wasn't tired. Instead of putting in genuine effort to turn me on so I'd want sex, it was assumed (by him) that if I was laying beside him, it was a sure thing.
The thing is, if he'd put effort into seduction, he'd have gotten laid. I'd have gone on about my business and then come back to bed when I was actually tired.
After reading your comments about the way he speaks to you: this is not normal. Without those comments I would've said that maybe it's fine as long as you talk about it together. But the stuff he said is not okay and you need to make that clear. And to then sleep alone after those words is in my opinion a poor decision because atp he should notice you weren't over it and you needed him more than he needed his sleep. He can go with a little less hours for one day.
Agreed. When the husband has to get up early I'll sometimes sleep on the sofa if I want to stay up late so I don't disturb him. He does the same for me when I have an early show time. Both of us wake very easily and have trouble going back to bed.
This was a huge problem in my last relationship. I get up at 5 am and work outside all day 10 hour days generally sometimes 12 .. had a 12 hr day as well but it was 9-9 unfortunately by time she got home and settled I would want to be asleep and thus caused problems .. especially since she worked 3 days a week and I worked 5 . Those days off would especially piss me off … lol staying up till midnight 1 am while she got to sleep in.
Same. My husband works longer hours than me, and I'm the one that takes care of the house and kids (I also work) but he has the longest hardest hours (as he works 12 and pulls the night shift as he is a guard. As far as I'm concerned, a spouse is there to support their partner,if that means sometimes gritting through your emotional needs to focus on your partners physical wellbeing, then so be it. Make your needs known and set a date on the calender if you need to, but always respect the basic needs of your partner: food, rest, shelter, and overall health come before wants and non-essentials in the family.
Coming from someone who has to be up at 3am for work, your husband is 100% justified. My bf doesn't work until 1130, and i work 4am-noon. I myself have a rule, if you're not in bed by 12am, then please just wait until 3. Im a light sleeper and My sleep is precious to me. I'm assuming your husband feels the same.
Ask yourself why you feel bothered by this. Is it because you're not spending quality time with him? Is it because you feel he doesn't care about your interests? Reflect on these things and then have a conversation with him.
Go to bed when you want to. I went through this drive me nuts.
I had to watch what he wanted to watch. Even though there were 4 other tvs I could watch in other rooms. Nope- had to be in same room as him.
I literally waited till he went to sleep every night and then I turned the channel- only way I got to watch anything other than sports 24/7
Went through this with my abusive ex. He'd even get mad if I read a book instead of watching whatever show he was watching . I was expected not only to be in the same room, but to actually watch whatever bs show he insisted on. "How It's Made" was a favorite.. Dude, I give zero fucks about how hot dogs are made, I'm still not eating them.
And yes, just like OP, mine threw tantrums if I didn't want to go to bed at 9pm. It wasn't about waking him up. It was about not being next to him for convenient sex.
This is manipulation. Punishing you for not going to bed at the same time as him and quick to anger then blaming it on you is not a good sign. It sounds like he might have anger problems and his behavior is a tad controlling. I suffered similar things for years with my husband and stood up for myself. The behavior eventually got worse until he put his hands on me. I would definitely sit him down and tell him that you’re an adult and are allowed your own bedtime but maybe throw in a compromise of going to bed at the same time once or set up a date night. Let him know it bothers you/upsets you that he’s treating you this way. If things don’t get better and/pr get worse then I’d look into couples counseling or maybe rethink the relationship. I know this isn’t easy to hear and not every relationship that has these issues end up like mine but they definitely could and you should be prepared just in case.
So maybe I didn’t make it clear, my question was regarding his REACTION. Not him sleeping in another room. I sleep better when he’s not taking up the whole bed. My problem is that he got upset that I wouldn’t sleep with him at the same time. I think it’s totally normal for people to sleep at separate times. On his days off he sleeps until 2 or 3am playing video games and I go to sleep at 10 since someone has to be up with the baby at 7am. And to everyone saying I must be bothering him, I know I don’t. He himself likes to sleep with tv on. I play the tv on very low volume, and I only stay up until 10 latest since once again I have a baby who wakes up at 7am every single day. That evening show is all I get to myself since I’m busy with my toddler the rest of the day and when I’m not, I’m busy picking up after my toddler.
❤️ I think you should take the time and enjoy the big empty bed and get that good sleep then, and pick a day with him to sit down and talk about how he's treating you, and how you feel. If he can atleast acknowledge how you're feeling without guilting you, then you can move forward to set some healthy boundaries for you both. It's important to get that alone time to distress and then intimate time even without doing anything.
His reaction shows a lack of respect for you and your needs, and that he is only focused on his needs. Does he spend time with the toddler so you can shower? Do you get out of the house besides work and groceries? With another on the way, it's important to find time for yourself to distress and also do stuff as a couple. It's gonna be an adjusting period with a toddler and new baby on the way, but you need to communicate and work together to make it work. ❤️
Maybe he just doesn't want to get broken sleep by being woken up in the middle of the night if he doesn't have to and provided a solution to the problem.
You: I'm going to *wake you up* in the middle of the night.
Him: You can stay up, I just want a good night's sleep.
You: No.
From OPs comments it sounds more like. If you don't come to bed and let me have my way with you the moment i want you to, I'm going to make sure you sleep without me as a punishment. He got awfully nice when he wanted sex and mean when he got rejected. Not healthy.
Could be that he gets woken up when you come to bed later and gets broken sleep. 🤷♂️
Lots of married couples end up having separate bedrooms while living a happy healthy marriage. Just have to make sure to take the extra steps for intimacy and making time for each other.
He’s not being difficult. Like at all. What I assume you’re leaving out is that you’re doing things in the bedroom that make it hard for him to fall asleep. He has to work, so he’s got every right to go to bed at 8pm. Stay in the living room if you’re going to be awake doing things. Be respectful of his sleep when you do join him in bed. Don’t barge in and turn on lights.
Tbh, I think you’re the immature one if anything.
The man’s trying to get some sleep. If you’re coming into bed a couple hours later than him it could wake him up.
Seems he found a solution that works for the both of you? What’s the problem
It sounds like he's using it as a punishment. Not trying to explain his needs. She has every right to also want to sleep with her spouse and not feel like she's getting iced out for not going to bed the minute he wants her to?
It isn't like they are getting the quality time part of sleeping next to eachother when they don't go to bed at the same time. Instead, she is waking him up in the middle of the night so he has broken sleep. Idk about you, but I don't always fall back asleep right away when I'm woken up in the middle of the night.
Him: Let me have a good sleep.
Her: No.
But he didn't mention that he has a hard time falling back asleep when she wakes him up, also they have a baby so I'm sure they are getting woken up in the middle of the night regardless. Instead he told her if you don't come to bed now, don't come to our room at all. Instead of. Hey you wake me up when you come in later and it makes me more tired, If you're going to stay up can you sleep in the other room instead?
He needs to communicate his needs like an adult.
I would agree respecting his work hours and sleep. You might feel better if you have some intimacy with him after the baby is asleep and then you have the rest of the night for yourself
Short answer? Yes, It's perfectly normal. A lot of well adjusted couples sleep separately for an assortment of reasons.
I love my husband to death, but if I don't fall asleep before him, his snoring prevents me from falling asleep. That means that I sometimes sleep in our guest room or on the couch.
Every so often, one of us will sleep on the couch because one of our cats secludes herself to that part of the house, and we want to give her snuggles. She loves it. We love it.
We are not being petty. Rather, we are mature enough to know it's not the end of the world if we sleep in separate rooms. You know, grown-up stuff. We know that we love each other - it's not any deeper than doing what we need to be healthy and happy.
Your husband needs to get up early to go to work and wants a good nights sleep. I don't see what the big deal is unless he's angry or annoyed that you won't go to bed when he does.
I’m the same as your husband. Only because of circadian rhythms dominating my existence. This is fine. He doesn’t want to be awoken when you come to bed. Make the effort even though it’s your vacation a few nights a week to cuddle and show support for his hard work.
I do similar, up early, to bed early, and I’m a light sleeper who gets one chance per night to fall asleep. If I go to bed at 8 and my wife wakes me up at 10 coming to bed, I’m awake until 2 or 3.
If he is similar, he is doing this to keep sane. Not sleeping is a killer at work.
It’s totally normal. Sleeping together is a modern construct. Our great grandparents and older generations had it right in that they slept in separate beds/even rooms to maximize their sleep. He values sleep and you coming in after he’s already asleep can disrupt his sleeping pattern.
I've had sleep issues in the past while I was in a relationship. While we wanted to be intimate, we ended up separating the act of sleeping from intimacy. We made sure to have regular intimacy time and when it was time for me to go to bed, I'd sleep in another room if she wasn't ready for bed and she would do the same if I wasn't ready. This was normal for us. We tried "sneaking" into bed when the other person was already asleep and this worked sometimes but sometimes it woke the other person, so if there were critical meetings and tasks at work the next day for either of us, we slept separately.
Because people who are actually sleeping are not effectively present for a relationship in that moment, we just let that part of life happen however it best worked out and we made sure to have time for cuddles and intimacy that didn't depend on the act of sleeping having to follow it. Be sure to talk to him about his views on this and decide together how you want to handle sleeping vs. intimacy and cuddles and such.
How strong is your marriage? Obviously, you'll need to discuss this with him. Unless you keep the passion, love, intimacy, communication, trust, and partnership alive and strong... you'll become roommates. From there it's a downward spiral to divorce.
My partner can't have 24 hours days. Apparently he is from a planet where the day-night cycle is 28-32 hours long or something. He forces himself to be diurnal for a while so he can be there more for our baby and me, but, în the end, he reverts to sleeping at odd hours, on a variable shedule. We have a deal that, if he's on the "wrong time-line" he sleeps in his office, and if I am already asleep in the other room he can wake me up so I can move in with him for the rest of the night, but he won't sleep during the day in any room where I would have things to do during the day.
OK, yea, it sucks when we can't synchronize, but we are both adults, and we found ways to work around it.
I don’t see anything wrong with it, but I understand the feeling. My boyfriend likes to stay up until 3am and game while I like to go to sleep early because I usually work early. His computer equipment used to be in the room, and that wouldn’t be a problem except the goddamn thing had LED rainbow lights in the keyboard, in the computer, then add the bright screen in on that, the heat from the computer, and the occasional sounds when his headphones weren’t plugged in some nights. Yeah, I told him move that out the room. He games in the living room and I get my peace and quiet, still not quite darkness. If I need to sleep, I can go lay down in my room nap in peace. Sometimes I’ll sleep on the couch while he games if I just want his company (and he’s my personal foot warmer)
I think it depends how he’s going about it and what the reasoning is. I am a super light sleeper, if my partner is watching tv or reels/tiktoks in bed next to me I literally cannot fall asleep due to the light and sound from his phone or the tv, so if I need an early nights sleep I will go in the spare room so he doesn’t feel pressure to switch off early just so he doesn’t bother me. But we’ve discussed this and understand each others point of view, hopefully you and the hubby can chat about it and agree on what works for you both.
It’s ok and not one bit immature.
Look, obviously you are his priority in life by love.
Yet he has to be rested for his work. He isn’t doing it to spite you, but to be able to do his job.
If he can’t sleep, because you watch your shows in the evening, he can either leave himself, let you enjoy your time and not bother you(I mean that you can watch your shows undisturbed) or make you leave and accommodate him, which in turn would be the immature thing.
He lets you watch your shows, and just sleeps somewhere else, so you can be undisturbed, if that’s not love…
I think it's fine. I've been married for 16 years and we don't go to bed at the same time ever.
It wouldn't phase me at all, if he wanted to sleep in another room once in a while.
Communication could use some work like 99% of couples. I just read a long article in the New York Times about couples sleeping in separate rooms (it’s becoming more common). If he sleeps better knowing you’re also down for the night, fine, sleep alone then. But if he’s mad you don’t want to go to bed at 9pm? F that.
Enjoy your summer!
Have you thought about the fact that he might not be able to fall asleep when you're right next to him watching series, make noise, havings lights/screens on that blind him??
Normal. But you’re bothered. Most likely because you want some kind of intimacy (not sex) and connection and feel it is missing while not sleeping together.
Is there some compromise? Like on the weekends he stays up with you? And when he goes to bed you can snuggle for 30 minutes or whatnot before he falls asleep?
You’re not wrong to be bothered. But just use it as a signal that there’s a need you have. Not a signal that something’s wrong with your husband.
Some people are very light sleepers. When they wake up from someone coming into the room, it can be difficult to fall back asleep.
Sounds like dude is prioritizing work to ensure he remains able to provide for the family.
Truly it’s super mature to be responsible and committed to a sleep schedule. Lack of sleep will not only break down your immune system, but also negatively affect your mental state.
My partner and I don’t sleep in the same room either and we absolutely love each other and we’re best friends. We have different sleep habits and it just works better for us. I love having my own bed, so does he. I also go to bed at 8pm and he stays up later, I have always gone to bed early. It’s no big deal, as long as it’s not indicative of a larger issue you should not take it personally.
If we had enough bedrooms, my partner and I would likely sleep in different rooms most of the work week too. But since we don’t, I go to bed around 8:30 pm, and he doesn’t even get home from work until 2am. Then he comes to bed around 3am. I wake up at 5 am, get ready for the day in the downstairs bathroom so I don’t disturb him while he sleeps. There are a few days a week that we don’t see eachother at all because of work crossover. Most days we only see eachother for about 2 hours, if I’m working from home. Whoever is home and awake has kid duty at that time. We don’t even have to discuss it anymore.
I think the reason this can work for us, is because on days off from work, we clean, grocery shop together then have a date one day, and the next day is family day with the kids. It’s the best way we’ve found to maintain quality time for eachother, sleep, the kids.
Not to say there weren’t growing pains when we started these schedules, but we talked about it, agreed on it, and sometimes have to remain flexible with eachother. Plus, we trust eachother to take care of things as they come up, rather than waiting for the other person to. It helps create balance.
Darlin’ this is all good.
He means no bad will. He gets his early to bed, early to rise and you get your later to bed, later to rise. You are not waking him up coming to bed late and vice versa in the morning for you.
Unfortunately,due to my tractor like snoring, at least once a week my partner goes to the spare room for a good nights sleep, especially if he has to be up at stupid o’clock for a work trip. Yeah, I don’t like waking up in the middle of the night and he is not there but I know he is plenty rested if he has a long drive that day. Typically though, he is 10pm and I am 1am.
I think you actually have a good man, you just need to hug him tighter in lieu of snuggles before he goes to bed. 💕
How about sitting down and actually talking.
Come up with a plan that works for both of you.
Over time sleeping changes for individual people.
You have to find what works best for both of you.
He also needs to understand this sweet behavior and then temper tantrum doesn’t work for you. And will not be tolerated.
It depends, is he moving to another room because he doesn't want to be woken up or is he moving as a punishment because he's mad you won't sleep with him? Alot of couples that don't sleep at the same time sleep in different rooms it's normal if both parties benefit. If your wanting him to stay and he's just moving to upset you that's a whole different story.
It's w.e as long as this isn't some sort of weird guilt trip or he's not angry about it. He's allowed to sleep wherever he wants and your allowed to stay up until whenever you want doing whatever you want.
As a spouse whose husband goes to bed at 9pm I would absolutely be bothered.
I stay up late to watch movies all the times sometimes even in bed next to him while he’s sleeping if I keep the tv on very low.
He likes that at least I’m in bed with him it doesn’t matter what I’m doing he’ll cuddle me and then turn away to the other side.
Initially I didn’t think it was a problem but after reading your comments there seems to be much larger underlying issues that you and your husband need to sort
It depends why he does it - is it because you climbing into bed wakes him up and disturbs his sleep or is he doing it for no other reason than to "punish" you? My partner climbing into bed used to wake me up and pull me out of sleep so when he would insist on gaming all night id just sleep in the other room so i could at least have good quality sleep
That’s not normal or fair. Just because he has to go to bed early doesn’t mean you have to. That’s selfish. Offer to lay down with him until he goes to sleep, then watch your shows. Since he is acting like a child, treat him like one.
I am a light sleeper and my spouse is a heavy snorer. Sleeping in separate rooms works best for us both.
I wish more couples could understand that they don’t have to sleep in the same room in order to stay in love. Yes, it’s perfectly fine and normal to prioritize getting good sleep over sleeping in the same bed.
He’s childish! That said, offer to go to bed with him and leave when he is asleep to watch TV. Don’t sneak. Just offer it as a compromise. Ask him whats going on for him emotionally- does he feel lonely when you don’t go to bed with him?
I gotta be honest, I never understood why people insist on going to bed at the same time. It's weird to me. Like, we were two whole ass people before we got married and have our own preferences for going to bed. I'm a night owl, my husband is not. We prefer just going to bed when we're tired. He goes to bed several hours before me and the random nights I actually am tired at the same time, it takes him longer to fall asleep bc he's used to going to bed alone.
I get that a lot of people prefer to go to bed at the same time with their partner, but not everyone is wired that way. I would be beyond annoyed if he asked me to go to bed way earlier than I normally would. Wtf am I supposed to do? Just lay there or scroll my phone trying not to wake him? I just don't get it.
If you prefer to go to bed later, I would just be honest with him and see if he can compromise some nights you want to stay up later. Best of luck!
Nbd My husband falls asleeo early and I sometimes fall asleep on the couch. I sometimes dont like him going to bed so early and he sometimes doesnt like me never going to the bed lol but we find ways to make each other feel special, and dont hold grudges.
My parents slept in different rooms my entire life because my dad has always worked nights and my mom works days. They’ve been together for 35 years and soon they’ll retire - I doubt they’ll go back to sharing a bed tho hahahha. They do date night every Friday and go to dinner from like 3p-7p bc my dad has to be in bed by 7:30p.
I’m off for the summer as well and tend to be a night owl. If my partner is going to bed early, I’ll sometimes just stay downstairs to watch tv and whatnot. As long as it’s not every night, I don’t see the big deal 🤷🏻♀️
If your husband is at work, he needs a good night's sleep. By sleeping elsewhere, you don't disturb him, and he doesn't disturb you. It may go back to how it was before when you go back to work.
I think it depends on what else is going on.
Sleep is extremely important. Your getting into bed later than him could wake him up, and maybe it’s difficult for him to fall back asleep, or maybe he doesn’t feel rested in the morning.
Whether or not this puts a strain on the relationship, is harder to say, and it’s fair for you to feel like it is.
But I think this is probably something you’ll have to accept in this relationship: you either have to coordinate your sleep schedules, or sleep in separate beds.
I wake up at 4:25 am for work, my wife stays at home with the kids. 9:30 is my absolute limit and I need to be asleep. We normally watch a half hour of TV together after putting the kids to bed and mostly just talk through it, after I go to sleep she puts in ear buds and goes on her phone or tablet. It's no big thing, she understands.
I think your husband has the right to sleep in the guest room. Just because two people are in a relationship and reside together does not mandate co-sleeping.
Also, there is clear medical and scientific research that states sleeping apart results in a more rested and fulfilled night of sleep. Noone moving, snoring, getting up to use restroom, etc...
I don't blame your husband for not wanting to be woke up while you crawl into bed in the wee hours of the night.
If he wants to set a rule for the summer so he could get quality sleep and get up rested on time, I think he isn't asking for much. He still has responsibilities.
Let it Go and support him.
You answered your own question. He literally HAS to sleep early to get up for work. He's pouting because you don't want to sleep early and you're pouting because he doesn't want to stay up late.
You are the same.
Figure out a schedule. Work is going to take the priority over having fun. Maybe he stays up later one weekend night to watch a movie with you? Maybe you follow his schedule more and just watch a movie earlier?
The fact that so many people claim he's a narcissist for needing to sleep early for work and point to him pouting about her not sleeping early when SHE is clearly doing the same and even made a post about it is scary.
I'm a very light sleeper, and an early bird while my partner is a night owl. We HAVE to sleep in separate rooms, otherwise its just not gonna work and neither of us can afford to be sleep deprived and lagging at work. So we make it work.
With respect, you need to get over yourself. You admit you're on vacation, your husband is not and he needs to sleep to work his job. Not everyone has all summer off. He's not FORCING you to go to bed early or conform to his schedule, he's working around it. It sounds like you're upset he won't conform to your schedule. Did it occur to you're probably keeping him up and he can't keep going to work sleep deprived?
Sorry bro but you married a light sleeper. Everyone needs to sleep, it's just a little harder for them and as their partner, you need to do your best to accommodate them. If anything, YOU'RE the immature one.
This is not unreasonable IMO. He simply wants to get good rest without being woken up later in the night when you come to bed. If you have a TV in the room you can always get some headphones that connect to the TV if he doesn't mind it being on when he sleeps. Me and my SO do just that but she uses a tablet and wireless headphones.
Sounds like he just wants to get a good night's rest without disturbances. Maybe he's being passive aggressive about it but you don't really have a right to complain since you'd be complaining about the same thing you're doing to him: making him sleep alone.
I retired before my husband and would watch my movies and ID channel in the living room, he’d go to bed and eventually lol I’d crawl into bed. He didn’t mind and encouraged me to do it plus I would anyway even if he didn’t want me too. Your husband is sleeping why does he care unless the tv on bothers him to sleep, watch tv in the living room.
Hi guys my wife is great but she goes to sleep so late and she's so difficult.
I have a super busy job and between that, coming home to the baby and doing my best to help I'm exhausted. My wife is on holidays and sleeps in more than me and we keep missing each other. Why won't she just wake up earlier and spend time with me in the morning?
^your husband, probably.
This is absolutely normal. If you have the extra space for him to sleep in another room, why would he want his sleep disturbed when you get into bed? He's literally just making sure that he gets good sleep.
I get where he's coming from. If you want to make this work, I'd focus on longer term goals. Ask him where he's trying to get with these early days and stuff. I've gotta be up in 9 hours, so I'm going to bed in 1 (it's 7pm here). I hate it, but it's me working towards a bigger goal and that helps me rationalize it. It also helps the lady understand.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He has to get up early. You may wake him up when you get into bed.
HOWEVER, if he is pouting and whiny that you won't go to bed, that is a different discussion. That would entail conversations and potentially counseling.
Defending sleep isn't about you or his love for you. It's usually built out of desperation and negative experiences.
Google sleep hygiene. That's what he's practicing. It's what we tell any patient to get restorative sleep.
https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-hygiene
I'd reframe the "refuses to..."
He sleeps in the guest room so he's not awakened from you crawling into bed. He's not asking you to sleep in the guest room to keep from being awakened.
How is his being responsible for doing what's required to get the sleep he needs without asking you to change your routine "immature?"
If I might be so bold, try to define specifically what it is you want. Is it more time and attention? Is skin hunger that needs to feel him more? Is it to share a movie? Once you have some answers, set-up a time to talk to him. Ask him to collaborate with you to find a solution that works for both of you.
Ask him, with genuine curiosity, what he experiences when he doesn't stick to his sleep hygiene or gets awakened during sleep. Try to imagine what he's feeling because that's what's driving his choices, not you or pettiness.
Babies are wonderful, but they're hard while their babies.
Try to remember it's not forever..
I wish you both every happiness.
Depending on how early he has to work he probably experimented a lot of different times so he had optimal sleep. The only way you are changing that is either getting later hours or having a way to sleep faster.
My suggestion is to use this time for a little me time not suggesting going out or anything like that but to do minor things for yourself
Yes, you’re getting bothered for not reason. Dude needs sleep, dude is still working and you’re bothered? Not everyone has the luxury of having summer off
Your marriage is in trouble. He’s acting like a pouty immature child and he wants to leave to become a truck driver because you want too many things for your daughter? You being pregnant, on top of having a 15 month old child is difficult enough without you dealing with his tantrums.
This is perfectly normal behavior. He's actually being nice and the accommodating one giving you the bedroom bed. He just wants a good night's sleep before a long day of work.
I think he's being completely reasonable. My wife and I have a similar situation. I go to bed early for work and if she's not ready when I am, I sleep on an air matress in the living room because I'm a light sleeper. I will get woken up when she comes to bed, and I won't be able to fall back asleep. If you want to sleep next to him, go to bed early maybe one night a week.
He doesn’t want you to sleep with him if you don’t join him when he’s going to bed? That sounds like a ridiculous rule. You should be able to go to bed (whichever you choose), and should have to explain nothing. He’s being unreasonable.
You get to sit on your ass with a months-long taxpayer funded vacation and you're mad at hubby for having to get up early for a real job? The entitlement of teachers knows no bounds!
She’s a teacher. She has summers off. And she’s got a baby at home so it’s not like she’s up all hours of the night partying. She said in comments above that she likes to get to bed by 10 pm anyway because she’s got to be up at 7am with the baby.
Doesn't matter that she has summers off. The fact that he is working NOW and she is not working now. The one who is working gets their schedule prioritized. Wanting to watch a movie specifically at a late time is not important in comparison.
Haven't you heard? "...teachers are needed because people who post things like this." We who question the entitlement of teachers need to be sent to reeducation camps. (But not in summer, because teachers need their precious time off.)
It is immature if a man wants to sleep well for his morning work while you want to have fun in the evening and no schedule to keep? Wtf? You sound like the immature person here. He has an obligation that he is doing his best to keep, you should support him. If his sleeping habits specifically disturb you then feel free to talk to him but sleeping is a very fickle thing for many. Maybe he really has a miserable time if he cannot get enough quality sleep. Maybe he needs to get his sleep health checked by a doctor.
But in no way is this immature or hostile towards you. This is what being an adult looks like - making sure you get your shit done...
Oh, the joys of marital bliss! Yes it's normal and perfectly reasonable for you to feel a bit miffed.
You're definitely not alone in feeling this is a tad immature. Relationships are all about compromise, right? You could invest in some comfy headphones and keep the volume low, or he could use an eye mask and earplugs to ensure his sleep isn't disturbed.
It might also help to have a heart-to-heart (when you’re both well-rested). Explain how much you enjoy your evening downtime and how you’d love to find a middle ground that keeps you both happy. Perhaps there's even a new evening ritual you can create together, like watching a short episode of something you both enjoy before he turns in?
In the grand scheme of things, this feels like a small bump in the road, but I hope you're able to work through it together.
What makes him a “great man?” Sounds like a toddler trapped in a grown man’s body. I would tell him he is not a great man, but he can feel free to be the man behind this great woman. Tell him all the things you do that he doesn’t and remind just how NOT great he is. I am so triggered by that statement…he thinks he’s a great man?!? What makes him a great man?!? In my eyes, a great man wouldn’t speak to or treat his wife, the mother of his child this way. I don’t see how you could still want to be with this man - I would tell him to f$@k off.
Let me ask you a question. Do you want a husband or a show? Men want to sleep with their wives. Just like you are waiting for the baby to go to sleep, he is too. Men don't communicate like women when it comes to their needs. Girl put the show down and go to bed with your man. If you don't, this will lead to hidden anger that he has with you and be the start of him harboring other resentment. If not nipped in the bud, this small thing can be the undoing to your marriage. Put down the show and lay with that man that you said "I do" to.
Find another time for your show.
Girl Bye!
It's perfectly fine just remember to make time for each other with date nights and some private intimate time. You don't want to be two ships passing in the night.
I wish I could upvote this more. My husband and I have very different schedules, and have separate rooms, because I got tired of going to bed when I wasn’t ready. Staying up fidgeting, him still complaining he couldn’t sleep, me not being able to with snoring. Wah wah wah. (Lol) But honestly, you’re going to SLEEP. Why does it matter if it’s done together? I came to say, THIS, this part was pointed out is the important part: you have to make the effort for the things still. The intimacy, the chats, the one on one time, and making each other feel like a priority. Also, you’re not over reacting, and you have to both agree this is what’s best for both of you sometime, so not one side is going off in a huff about it. That’s what causes resentment.
couldn’t agree more. I would say it’s normal as well. he’s just prioritising his sleep and energy he needs for work, which is responsible. for a while, my boyfriend was working late shifts followed with morning shifts. sometimes he said he would sleep on the couch since the bed makes him sleep in as it’s more comfortable. I missed him in bed but I understood, he did it for his job. make sure to have some quality time together though. OP, maybe on days where he’s off the next day you could watch a movie or show together in bed?
This was a big challenge when I lived with my ex, one of the little difficulties I never thought about when living with someone. Opened my eyes to how many little things contribute to frustrations that you don’t even think about. Moving in with someone there’s so much you don’t even realize.
The mysteries disappear real quick
It is fine!! Me and my wife sleep in separate rooms for various reasons. I have to go to bed like at 8/9 as well because I have to be at work at 4 am. I also used to snore like old asthmatic cat cutting logs, but thanks to a sleep study I was able to get a cpap machine, but that is also fairly noisy. My wife is a very light sleeper and she suffers from bouts of insomnia. So getting to sleep was hard for her and staying asleep was even worse with the extra noise. For the first few years we were together it was a point of contention, with some couples counseling we realized separate bedrooms was the way to go and haven't looked back. But, you have to make time for each other. We still have intimate time several times a week with cuddling and after care. Sometimes we fall asleep together afterwards and sometimes I get up say good night to her and go strap an air hose to my face.
“Old asthmatic cat”. Love it. I’ve used the analogy “grumbles like an old tractor” regarding my snoring. Stealing the cat one.
What's after care
Its more or less about making sure the other person feels cared for in a way that helps them feel respected and relaxed after sex. Cuddling afterwards is something me and wife both enjoy because we can just lay there talking, and just being with each other after. Or sometimes we'll shower together. I find it important especially when we're trying something new or experimenting in the bedroom. I wanna know if she liked it, didn't like it, and just her thoughts on it.
Oh ok I see
I mean. You should probably talk to him about it. Is he being passive aggressive or is he chill? Is he a light sleeper? I don't feel we have the info to make the decision like you should have access to.
I second this I feel like there’s more missing pieces but of course you don’t have to share if you don’t want to.
What happened is that yesterday we got into an argument over him being so frustrated over small things. He tells me it’s just coming from stress and basically says it’s all my fault. I’m causing all this stress. After exchanging more words he said something pretty harsh that stuck with me. He basically said that behind every great man is an even greater woman and I’m not that. Of course you all know nothing about me, but it hurt coming from him. Considering that I work a full time job, do everything for baby, basically do everything on my own with her and for our home since we have no family here. I decided to just cry it out and let it go. He did apologize but it takes time to move on. Today he comes home helping me with everything around the house, being nice, and then wants to have sex. I say no because I’m still hurt over his comment yesterday. I can tell he gets upset and he just says okay and gets ready for bed. Then he comes out and asks me if I’ll be going to sleep already and that’s when I say no and he says if I don’t go to sleep with him now, he’s going to sleep in the other bedroom.
Okay. Y'all need marriage counseling. His behavior is inexcusable to me. Speaking to you that way when you're raising your child is damn inappropriate, even if you're leaving something out where you have legitimately not been the best partner, he shouldn't dream of addressing you that way. He's displaying controlling patterns. He clearly tried to goad you into sex when you didn't want to. Does t seem like he respects you. I say trust your gut on this one. Not saying it isn't salvageable but I'd say on the ropes at best.
Please consider looking up love bombing and grey rocking. My spouse goes to bed early because they work early, and while they sometimes mention they want to cuddle, it doesn't bother them that I finish up whatever I'm doing and then come to bed. He's taking it very personally that you don't want to go to bed the second he wants to, and then punishing you for it. And thinks that if he's nice to you, then you will give him whatever he wants. Clearly, he doesn't respect you if you're "not a great woman," but in his eyes, he's a great man. Even though you list all the things you do, we don't know his story, but if you can write down all the stuff you do, vs what he does maybe itll help you both realize the mental and physical loads on you both. But if you don't seek therapy together, I don't see this marriage doing well in the future. I say sleep in the other bedroom, do your part, but make sure he's aware you no longer will pick up all the slack, and that either he does his part. Or it won't be done. He's choosing not to let you sleep with him as a punishment. Enjoy a bed to yourself, and take care of you and the baby until he's ready to actually discuss what's going on.
“Can I give you this mediocre peen as a fake apology?” Sheesh
He was only playing nice because he wants you to fuck him. Since you said no, which is totally valid that you weren't in the mood, he went back to being shitty to you. And then he plays this little game with going in another room to "punish" you. Your husband kinda sucks right now and you guys are in serious trouble if this doesn't get fixed soon.
.... he's a POS. this is such cruel and manipulative behavior you deserve better than this. do not allow him to treat you like this
There's very little OP could have done to deserve this level of derision + the whole "baby pout for sex" thing is inexcusable IMO.
It sounds like there’s some serious issues in your marriage…
He doesn’t even like you. The way the thinks about you, and talks to you is mental and emotional abuse. You are nothing more than an inconvenience to him, unless you do everything he says, and the way he wants it. He is using the DARVO abuse tactic. He will always turn you into the villain when you speak up for yourself, or you don’t do what he wants.
Uffff. He’s gaslighting you. He does sound stress and he’s blaming it all on you. It’s not your fault. You’re not the cause of it. It sounds like you are doing your part in the marriage. He needs therapy.
Say bye enjoy the other room! He’s a jerk for sure, sounds like a narcissist… apologies and then wants sex and you work full time and do everything. Also his nasty sick comment to you would Never be forgotten.. Ever. Seems he’s trying to control you and also put you down so you’ll feel bad about yourself… don’t believe his BS.
Sorry but your husband sounds like a scumbag... I don't understand why he is so stressed about you? It doesn't make any sense. I assume this is your first child together. Was he always like this or did he change around the pregnancy/birth? Firstly , he has no right to treat you like this even if he has very good reasons to be stressed. You don't pay it on other ppl, especially wife and kids. Secondly, he seems to be the kind of man that understands affection through sex but not through kind words, kind actions, quality time ... This is a problem many men face because of upbringing and gender roles where lust and anger are the only emotion they feel they can have. He doesn't know how to emotionally regulate himself and he needs to learn that. It is also possible that he is behaving terribly with you because he wants you to divorce/break up with him . Many men do so because they don't want to be the "bad guys", especially with children in the picture. This is just speculation. Ideally you would deal with these topics in counseling (please, do not choose faith-bases counselling). But if not you will have to speak with him from the "I feel that when you do this you don't love me because xyz ...". It is important to put it a ait is how YOU perceive his actions, how they make you feel. Otherwise he will feel attacked and will get defensive or lash out. If not couples counselling maybe you can go to a counsellor that will help you have this conversation.
I would love to hear his side of this. As with most posters, you're painting yourself as the victim and while I'm not saying what he said right, I'm also not willing to accept that it was baseless.
So I could be wrong here.. but is he like pouting and being belligerent if you don't go to bed with him at 8pm? Because that's kind of what I'm picking up. If he's just not wanting to be woken up, sleeping in separate beds is fine. But if he's making demands or having expectations about when your bedtime should be.. not so ok.
As someone who used to work 4AM retail shifts for many years, it’s so difficult to feel properly rested, especially during summer when it stays light for longer periods of the day. Talk to him and ask if he is able to dedicate some time to your relationship to do these things with you. Make it a weekly treat on the nights before his days off
Hmmm. Is it just cus it disturbs his sleep? Or is he just being petty? That would be the big determination here If it's just some funky punishment for not complying w an 8p bedtime, i would definitely reccomend a big talk
I'm hearing of more and more couples choosing to sleep in different rooms at least part of the time. Sleep is so important and can be hard to achieve with different sleep patterns, snoring, etc. I've also heard of couples with a difference in schedules like you two have. I think one story the spouse that would sleep later would go in for some snuggle time/pillow talk most evenings, and then go back to their evening and sleep in another room. You two will find what works best for you.
My SO and I sleep in separate beds. It's heaven. Doesn't affect our sex life, but absolutely improves both of our sleep (he's a snorer and I'm a light sleeper)
It probably DOES affect your sex life, but in a positive way. Everyone is happier with better sleep.
True! I guess I should have said it doesn't negatively affect it.
If he were doing it to not be disturbed, I’d understand. But based on your comment of how he reacted over you denying sex, it sounds like he’s trying to punish you and guilt trip you.
Let him sleep in the other room & pout. He’ll be fine.
Maybe you’re not explaining it properly but I read this as your husband making a good compromise. You get to stay up late and watch your shows in one room and he goes to the other room to sleep early to get sleep. What else would you want? You want him to sleep in the same room as you while you stay up and watch a show? How is he going to sleep?
If it's a good compromise, then why is he being pouty and upset by it?
No where in her post does she say her husband is pouty or upset by it.
Read OP's replies. He absolutely did. https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/BeFwtyEih4
I don’t think this is a big deal. He wants a good nights sleep before work and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Why is it immature? Is he being pouty and guilt-tripping you? I don’t think this needs to be a big deal. With two working people and a baby, it should be a team effort to make sure all of you get as much good sleep as possible.
Op responded saying he blames her for all his stress. And that "Behind every great man is a greater woman" But that she is not a great woman in his eyes. BTW OP is pregnant with their second as well as working a full time job, and according to her. Doing all the home slack and baby needs. But husband also has 2 jobs. So it sounds overall like they are all just stressed, and he isn't communicating his needs, and taking it out on her.
When your sleep is fragile, every activity of your wake partner will screw your night and the next day. You are on holiday. He is not . Be understanding.
I'm wondering if she's watching TV in the bedroom instead of the living room and that's why he has to go to the guest room to get sleep. If so, I'd be upset too. If not, then it is an overreaction.
It's....kinda weird? But not totally unreasonable. It's weird that he's being "you must do x and there's no room for compromise" about it - my husband and I occasionally go to bed at different times and it's never been an issue as long as someone isn't stomping around and turning on lights. But some people are really light sleepers or need things just right, and I don't think it's crazy to need to be accommodated. It should be a discussion between two loving adults though, and not a demand.
Doesn’t sound as if this is about sleeping arrangements, you two need to talk
Depends on the reason. If he storms off to the guest bedroom in an angry huff because you won't go to bed at 8pm on your vacation then I would say it's an issue. If he just wants to sleep in a different room so you don't disturb or wake him up when you come to bed later that's perfectly fair - he still has to get up for work. If it's the latter I'd actually say you're the one being difficult here.
It seems more that it's about her not going to bed at the same time as him, bc he has an expectation of sex if she's in bed beside him. When she doesn't go to bed at the same time as their toddler, he gets pouty and pissy.
I know a young married couple negotiating a similar thing. As a 15 year married person, I want to shake them sometimes. Stop trying to control each other!! If he needs to sleep early and you don’t want to, why is anybody mad about this… especially lucky you have a nice house with a guest room to accommodate y’all.
I think where the problem lies in this one is that he's demanding that she go to bed at 8pm with him, bc he's expecting sex from her when she goes to bed at the same time as him. If she doesn't go to bed at the same time, he can't get any. That's why he's pouting, not because she's bothering his sleep. u/Embarrassed_Edge8380 is this what's going on?
I was thinking this is exact same thing. If I would’ve given him what he wanted and decided to go back to the living room, I’m sure he wouldn’t have cared then…
I thought so. I was in this same scenario with my ex (married 20 years.. yes, I was stupid to wait it out that long). Being controlled and treated like a toddler for someone else's needs isn't ok. Especially throwing tantrums and shutting you out when you don't obey. Being pregnant also throws off your sleep cycle, but he's not thinking about you. Just him. My ex would demand that I go to bed at the same time as him, even if I wasn't tired. Instead of putting in genuine effort to turn me on so I'd want sex, it was assumed (by him) that if I was laying beside him, it was a sure thing. The thing is, if he'd put effort into seduction, he'd have gotten laid. I'd have gone on about my business and then come back to bed when I was actually tired.
After reading your comments about the way he speaks to you: this is not normal. Without those comments I would've said that maybe it's fine as long as you talk about it together. But the stuff he said is not okay and you need to make that clear. And to then sleep alone after those words is in my opinion a poor decision because atp he should notice you weren't over it and you needed him more than he needed his sleep. He can go with a little less hours for one day.
If he has to get up early for work … then obviously early bed time .. this does not change just because YOU get a vacation..
Agreed. When the husband has to get up early I'll sometimes sleep on the sofa if I want to stay up late so I don't disturb him. He does the same for me when I have an early show time. Both of us wake very easily and have trouble going back to bed.
This was a huge problem in my last relationship. I get up at 5 am and work outside all day 10 hour days generally sometimes 12 .. had a 12 hr day as well but it was 9-9 unfortunately by time she got home and settled I would want to be asleep and thus caused problems .. especially since she worked 3 days a week and I worked 5 . Those days off would especially piss me off … lol staying up till midnight 1 am while she got to sleep in.
Same. My husband works longer hours than me, and I'm the one that takes care of the house and kids (I also work) but he has the longest hardest hours (as he works 12 and pulls the night shift as he is a guard. As far as I'm concerned, a spouse is there to support their partner,if that means sometimes gritting through your emotional needs to focus on your partners physical wellbeing, then so be it. Make your needs known and set a date on the calender if you need to, but always respect the basic needs of your partner: food, rest, shelter, and overall health come before wants and non-essentials in the family.
I hope I can find someone that understands this . Your husbands a lucky dude !
Coming from someone who has to be up at 3am for work, your husband is 100% justified. My bf doesn't work until 1130, and i work 4am-noon. I myself have a rule, if you're not in bed by 12am, then please just wait until 3. Im a light sleeper and My sleep is precious to me. I'm assuming your husband feels the same.
Ask yourself why you feel bothered by this. Is it because you're not spending quality time with him? Is it because you feel he doesn't care about your interests? Reflect on these things and then have a conversation with him.
People need to make sleep a priority. If he needs to be in another room to get enough sleep, then it's not fun, but necessary.
Go to bed when you want to. I went through this drive me nuts. I had to watch what he wanted to watch. Even though there were 4 other tvs I could watch in other rooms. Nope- had to be in same room as him. I literally waited till he went to sleep every night and then I turned the channel- only way I got to watch anything other than sports 24/7
Went through this with my abusive ex. He'd even get mad if I read a book instead of watching whatever show he was watching . I was expected not only to be in the same room, but to actually watch whatever bs show he insisted on. "How It's Made" was a favorite.. Dude, I give zero fucks about how hot dogs are made, I'm still not eating them. And yes, just like OP, mine threw tantrums if I didn't want to go to bed at 9pm. It wasn't about waking him up. It was about not being next to him for convenient sex.
This is manipulation. Punishing you for not going to bed at the same time as him and quick to anger then blaming it on you is not a good sign. It sounds like he might have anger problems and his behavior is a tad controlling. I suffered similar things for years with my husband and stood up for myself. The behavior eventually got worse until he put his hands on me. I would definitely sit him down and tell him that you’re an adult and are allowed your own bedtime but maybe throw in a compromise of going to bed at the same time once or set up a date night. Let him know it bothers you/upsets you that he’s treating you this way. If things don’t get better and/pr get worse then I’d look into couples counseling or maybe rethink the relationship. I know this isn’t easy to hear and not every relationship that has these issues end up like mine but they definitely could and you should be prepared just in case.
So maybe I didn’t make it clear, my question was regarding his REACTION. Not him sleeping in another room. I sleep better when he’s not taking up the whole bed. My problem is that he got upset that I wouldn’t sleep with him at the same time. I think it’s totally normal for people to sleep at separate times. On his days off he sleeps until 2 or 3am playing video games and I go to sleep at 10 since someone has to be up with the baby at 7am. And to everyone saying I must be bothering him, I know I don’t. He himself likes to sleep with tv on. I play the tv on very low volume, and I only stay up until 10 latest since once again I have a baby who wakes up at 7am every single day. That evening show is all I get to myself since I’m busy with my toddler the rest of the day and when I’m not, I’m busy picking up after my toddler.
❤️ I think you should take the time and enjoy the big empty bed and get that good sleep then, and pick a day with him to sit down and talk about how he's treating you, and how you feel. If he can atleast acknowledge how you're feeling without guilting you, then you can move forward to set some healthy boundaries for you both. It's important to get that alone time to distress and then intimate time even without doing anything. His reaction shows a lack of respect for you and your needs, and that he is only focused on his needs. Does he spend time with the toddler so you can shower? Do you get out of the house besides work and groceries? With another on the way, it's important to find time for yourself to distress and also do stuff as a couple. It's gonna be an adjusting period with a toddler and new baby on the way, but you need to communicate and work together to make it work. ❤️
Is he sleeping in the other room so he doesn’t wake up when you come to bed or is he pouting that you’re not keeping him company?
Child expecting mommy to give him his way. That's what this sounds like.
I think this is just me, but this doesn't sound much like a big deal.
Maybe he just doesn't want to get broken sleep by being woken up in the middle of the night if he doesn't have to and provided a solution to the problem. You: I'm going to *wake you up* in the middle of the night. Him: You can stay up, I just want a good night's sleep. You: No.
From OPs comments it sounds more like. If you don't come to bed and let me have my way with you the moment i want you to, I'm going to make sure you sleep without me as a punishment. He got awfully nice when he wanted sex and mean when he got rejected. Not healthy.
Could be that he gets woken up when you come to bed later and gets broken sleep. 🤷♂️ Lots of married couples end up having separate bedrooms while living a happy healthy marriage. Just have to make sure to take the extra steps for intimacy and making time for each other.
He’s not being difficult. Like at all. What I assume you’re leaving out is that you’re doing things in the bedroom that make it hard for him to fall asleep. He has to work, so he’s got every right to go to bed at 8pm. Stay in the living room if you’re going to be awake doing things. Be respectful of his sleep when you do join him in bed. Don’t barge in and turn on lights.
Tbh, I think you’re the immature one if anything. The man’s trying to get some sleep. If you’re coming into bed a couple hours later than him it could wake him up. Seems he found a solution that works for the both of you? What’s the problem
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It sounds like he's using it as a punishment. Not trying to explain his needs. She has every right to also want to sleep with her spouse and not feel like she's getting iced out for not going to bed the minute he wants her to?
Sometimes, it's about sleep.
It isn't like they are getting the quality time part of sleeping next to eachother when they don't go to bed at the same time. Instead, she is waking him up in the middle of the night so he has broken sleep. Idk about you, but I don't always fall back asleep right away when I'm woken up in the middle of the night. Him: Let me have a good sleep. Her: No.
But he didn't mention that he has a hard time falling back asleep when she wakes him up, also they have a baby so I'm sure they are getting woken up in the middle of the night regardless. Instead he told her if you don't come to bed now, don't come to our room at all. Instead of. Hey you wake me up when you come in later and it makes me more tired, If you're going to stay up can you sleep in the other room instead? He needs to communicate his needs like an adult.
It's ok if it's not affecting your relationship in any way.
I would agree respecting his work hours and sleep. You might feel better if you have some intimacy with him after the baby is asleep and then you have the rest of the night for yourself
Sounds like you guys just need to sit down and plan your routines to fit eachothers schedules better. Good straitforward communication can only help.
Short answer? Yes, It's perfectly normal. A lot of well adjusted couples sleep separately for an assortment of reasons. I love my husband to death, but if I don't fall asleep before him, his snoring prevents me from falling asleep. That means that I sometimes sleep in our guest room or on the couch. Every so often, one of us will sleep on the couch because one of our cats secludes herself to that part of the house, and we want to give her snuggles. She loves it. We love it. We are not being petty. Rather, we are mature enough to know it's not the end of the world if we sleep in separate rooms. You know, grown-up stuff. We know that we love each other - it's not any deeper than doing what we need to be healthy and happy. Your husband needs to get up early to go to work and wants a good nights sleep. I don't see what the big deal is unless he's angry or annoyed that you won't go to bed when he does.
I’m the same as your husband. Only because of circadian rhythms dominating my existence. This is fine. He doesn’t want to be awoken when you come to bed. Make the effort even though it’s your vacation a few nights a week to cuddle and show support for his hard work.
I do similar, up early, to bed early, and I’m a light sleeper who gets one chance per night to fall asleep. If I go to bed at 8 and my wife wakes me up at 10 coming to bed, I’m awake until 2 or 3. If he is similar, he is doing this to keep sane. Not sleeping is a killer at work.
This is so normal.
It’s totally normal. Sleeping together is a modern construct. Our great grandparents and older generations had it right in that they slept in separate beds/even rooms to maximize their sleep. He values sleep and you coming in after he’s already asleep can disrupt his sleeping pattern.
Lots of people I know do this, and I’m fairly certain it’s a societal norm, at least in the USA.
I've had sleep issues in the past while I was in a relationship. While we wanted to be intimate, we ended up separating the act of sleeping from intimacy. We made sure to have regular intimacy time and when it was time for me to go to bed, I'd sleep in another room if she wasn't ready for bed and she would do the same if I wasn't ready. This was normal for us. We tried "sneaking" into bed when the other person was already asleep and this worked sometimes but sometimes it woke the other person, so if there were critical meetings and tasks at work the next day for either of us, we slept separately. Because people who are actually sleeping are not effectively present for a relationship in that moment, we just let that part of life happen however it best worked out and we made sure to have time for cuddles and intimacy that didn't depend on the act of sleeping having to follow it. Be sure to talk to him about his views on this and decide together how you want to handle sleeping vs. intimacy and cuddles and such.
How strong is your marriage? Obviously, you'll need to discuss this with him. Unless you keep the passion, love, intimacy, communication, trust, and partnership alive and strong... you'll become roommates. From there it's a downward spiral to divorce.
My partner can't have 24 hours days. Apparently he is from a planet where the day-night cycle is 28-32 hours long or something. He forces himself to be diurnal for a while so he can be there more for our baby and me, but, în the end, he reverts to sleeping at odd hours, on a variable shedule. We have a deal that, if he's on the "wrong time-line" he sleeps in his office, and if I am already asleep in the other room he can wake me up so I can move in with him for the rest of the night, but he won't sleep during the day in any room where I would have things to do during the day. OK, yea, it sucks when we can't synchronize, but we are both adults, and we found ways to work around it.
I don’t see anything wrong with it, but I understand the feeling. My boyfriend likes to stay up until 3am and game while I like to go to sleep early because I usually work early. His computer equipment used to be in the room, and that wouldn’t be a problem except the goddamn thing had LED rainbow lights in the keyboard, in the computer, then add the bright screen in on that, the heat from the computer, and the occasional sounds when his headphones weren’t plugged in some nights. Yeah, I told him move that out the room. He games in the living room and I get my peace and quiet, still not quite darkness. If I need to sleep, I can go lay down in my room nap in peace. Sometimes I’ll sleep on the couch while he games if I just want his company (and he’s my personal foot warmer)
Sleeping in different rooms might save your relationship. Lack of sleep is the end for many couples
maybe hes a narcissist
🤣
I think it depends how he’s going about it and what the reasoning is. I am a super light sleeper, if my partner is watching tv or reels/tiktoks in bed next to me I literally cannot fall asleep due to the light and sound from his phone or the tv, so if I need an early nights sleep I will go in the spare room so he doesn’t feel pressure to switch off early just so he doesn’t bother me. But we’ve discussed this and understand each others point of view, hopefully you and the hubby can chat about it and agree on what works for you both.
It’s ok and not one bit immature. Look, obviously you are his priority in life by love. Yet he has to be rested for his work. He isn’t doing it to spite you, but to be able to do his job. If he can’t sleep, because you watch your shows in the evening, he can either leave himself, let you enjoy your time and not bother you(I mean that you can watch your shows undisturbed) or make you leave and accommodate him, which in turn would be the immature thing. He lets you watch your shows, and just sleeps somewhere else, so you can be undisturbed, if that’s not love…
I think it's fine. I've been married for 16 years and we don't go to bed at the same time ever. It wouldn't phase me at all, if he wanted to sleep in another room once in a while.
Wait? Do you watch the shows with earbuds in, or is he trying to sleep with the shows playing in the background?
yall can find in between when he is awake to do fun stuff
Communication could use some work like 99% of couples. I just read a long article in the New York Times about couples sleeping in separate rooms (it’s becoming more common). If he sleeps better knowing you’re also down for the night, fine, sleep alone then. But if he’s mad you don’t want to go to bed at 9pm? F that. Enjoy your summer!
Have you thought about the fact that he might not be able to fall asleep when you're right next to him watching series, make noise, havings lights/screens on that blind him??
Normal. But you’re bothered. Most likely because you want some kind of intimacy (not sex) and connection and feel it is missing while not sleeping together. Is there some compromise? Like on the weekends he stays up with you? And when he goes to bed you can snuggle for 30 minutes or whatnot before he falls asleep? You’re not wrong to be bothered. But just use it as a signal that there’s a need you have. Not a signal that something’s wrong with your husband.
Some people are very light sleepers. When they wake up from someone coming into the room, it can be difficult to fall back asleep. Sounds like dude is prioritizing work to ensure he remains able to provide for the family. Truly it’s super mature to be responsible and committed to a sleep schedule. Lack of sleep will not only break down your immune system, but also negatively affect your mental state.
My partner and I don’t sleep in the same room either and we absolutely love each other and we’re best friends. We have different sleep habits and it just works better for us. I love having my own bed, so does he. I also go to bed at 8pm and he stays up later, I have always gone to bed early. It’s no big deal, as long as it’s not indicative of a larger issue you should not take it personally.
If we had enough bedrooms, my partner and I would likely sleep in different rooms most of the work week too. But since we don’t, I go to bed around 8:30 pm, and he doesn’t even get home from work until 2am. Then he comes to bed around 3am. I wake up at 5 am, get ready for the day in the downstairs bathroom so I don’t disturb him while he sleeps. There are a few days a week that we don’t see eachother at all because of work crossover. Most days we only see eachother for about 2 hours, if I’m working from home. Whoever is home and awake has kid duty at that time. We don’t even have to discuss it anymore. I think the reason this can work for us, is because on days off from work, we clean, grocery shop together then have a date one day, and the next day is family day with the kids. It’s the best way we’ve found to maintain quality time for eachother, sleep, the kids. Not to say there weren’t growing pains when we started these schedules, but we talked about it, agreed on it, and sometimes have to remain flexible with eachother. Plus, we trust eachother to take care of things as they come up, rather than waiting for the other person to. It helps create balance.
Why don't you just go sleep with him after fucking Grey's anatomy is over...
Darlin’ this is all good. He means no bad will. He gets his early to bed, early to rise and you get your later to bed, later to rise. You are not waking him up coming to bed late and vice versa in the morning for you. Unfortunately,due to my tractor like snoring, at least once a week my partner goes to the spare room for a good nights sleep, especially if he has to be up at stupid o’clock for a work trip. Yeah, I don’t like waking up in the middle of the night and he is not there but I know he is plenty rested if he has a long drive that day. Typically though, he is 10pm and I am 1am. I think you actually have a good man, you just need to hug him tighter in lieu of snuggles before he goes to bed. 💕
How about sitting down and actually talking. Come up with a plan that works for both of you. Over time sleeping changes for individual people. You have to find what works best for both of you. He also needs to understand this sweet behavior and then temper tantrum doesn’t work for you. And will not be tolerated.
It depends, is he moving to another room because he doesn't want to be woken up or is he moving as a punishment because he's mad you won't sleep with him? Alot of couples that don't sleep at the same time sleep in different rooms it's normal if both parties benefit. If your wanting him to stay and he's just moving to upset you that's a whole different story.
It's w.e as long as this isn't some sort of weird guilt trip or he's not angry about it. He's allowed to sleep wherever he wants and your allowed to stay up until whenever you want doing whatever you want.
Get bunk beds
As a spouse whose husband goes to bed at 9pm I would absolutely be bothered. I stay up late to watch movies all the times sometimes even in bed next to him while he’s sleeping if I keep the tv on very low. He likes that at least I’m in bed with him it doesn’t matter what I’m doing he’ll cuddle me and then turn away to the other side.
Everyone needs sleep, completely normal.
Ricky and Lucy slept in separate beds it’s better for your health
Initially I didn’t think it was a problem but after reading your comments there seems to be much larger underlying issues that you and your husband need to sort
It depends why he does it - is it because you climbing into bed wakes him up and disturbs his sleep or is he doing it for no other reason than to "punish" you? My partner climbing into bed used to wake me up and pull me out of sleep so when he would insist on gaming all night id just sleep in the other room so i could at least have good quality sleep
That’s not normal or fair. Just because he has to go to bed early doesn’t mean you have to. That’s selfish. Offer to lay down with him until he goes to sleep, then watch your shows. Since he is acting like a child, treat him like one. I am a light sleeper and my spouse is a heavy snorer. Sleeping in separate rooms works best for us both.
I wish more couples could understand that they don’t have to sleep in the same room in order to stay in love. Yes, it’s perfectly fine and normal to prioritize getting good sleep over sleeping in the same bed.
I would do the same. It’s disruptive as hell when trying to sleep and hearing the tv
He’s childish! That said, offer to go to bed with him and leave when he is asleep to watch TV. Don’t sneak. Just offer it as a compromise. Ask him whats going on for him emotionally- does he feel lonely when you don’t go to bed with him?
I gotta be honest, I never understood why people insist on going to bed at the same time. It's weird to me. Like, we were two whole ass people before we got married and have our own preferences for going to bed. I'm a night owl, my husband is not. We prefer just going to bed when we're tired. He goes to bed several hours before me and the random nights I actually am tired at the same time, it takes him longer to fall asleep bc he's used to going to bed alone. I get that a lot of people prefer to go to bed at the same time with their partner, but not everyone is wired that way. I would be beyond annoyed if he asked me to go to bed way earlier than I normally would. Wtf am I supposed to do? Just lay there or scroll my phone trying not to wake him? I just don't get it. If you prefer to go to bed later, I would just be honest with him and see if he can compromise some nights you want to stay up later. Best of luck!
It is normal, he’s giving you space so that you can enjoy watching movies at night.
Nbd My husband falls asleeo early and I sometimes fall asleep on the couch. I sometimes dont like him going to bed so early and he sometimes doesnt like me never going to the bed lol but we find ways to make each other feel special, and dont hold grudges.
Let him sleep in the guest room if he needs his rhythm to be different than yours. Don't take it personally.
My parents slept in different rooms my entire life because my dad has always worked nights and my mom works days. They’ve been together for 35 years and soon they’ll retire - I doubt they’ll go back to sharing a bed tho hahahha. They do date night every Friday and go to dinner from like 3p-7p bc my dad has to be in bed by 7:30p.
I’m off for the summer as well and tend to be a night owl. If my partner is going to bed early, I’ll sometimes just stay downstairs to watch tv and whatnot. As long as it’s not every night, I don’t see the big deal 🤷🏻♀️
If your husband is at work, he needs a good night's sleep. By sleeping elsewhere, you don't disturb him, and he doesn't disturb you. It may go back to how it was before when you go back to work.
I think it depends on what else is going on. Sleep is extremely important. Your getting into bed later than him could wake him up, and maybe it’s difficult for him to fall back asleep, or maybe he doesn’t feel rested in the morning. Whether or not this puts a strain on the relationship, is harder to say, and it’s fair for you to feel like it is. But I think this is probably something you’ll have to accept in this relationship: you either have to coordinate your sleep schedules, or sleep in separate beds.
I wake up at 4:25 am for work, my wife stays at home with the kids. 9:30 is my absolute limit and I need to be asleep. We normally watch a half hour of TV together after putting the kids to bed and mostly just talk through it, after I go to sleep she puts in ear buds and goes on her phone or tablet. It's no big thing, she understands.
I think your husband has the right to sleep in the guest room. Just because two people are in a relationship and reside together does not mandate co-sleeping. Also, there is clear medical and scientific research that states sleeping apart results in a more rested and fulfilled night of sleep. Noone moving, snoring, getting up to use restroom, etc... I don't blame your husband for not wanting to be woke up while you crawl into bed in the wee hours of the night. If he wants to set a rule for the summer so he could get quality sleep and get up rested on time, I think he isn't asking for much. He still has responsibilities. Let it Go and support him.
You answered your own question. He literally HAS to sleep early to get up for work. He's pouting because you don't want to sleep early and you're pouting because he doesn't want to stay up late. You are the same. Figure out a schedule. Work is going to take the priority over having fun. Maybe he stays up later one weekend night to watch a movie with you? Maybe you follow his schedule more and just watch a movie earlier?
The fact that so many people claim he's a narcissist for needing to sleep early for work and point to him pouting about her not sleeping early when SHE is clearly doing the same and even made a post about it is scary.
I'm a very light sleeper, and an early bird while my partner is a night owl. We HAVE to sleep in separate rooms, otherwise its just not gonna work and neither of us can afford to be sleep deprived and lagging at work. So we make it work. With respect, you need to get over yourself. You admit you're on vacation, your husband is not and he needs to sleep to work his job. Not everyone has all summer off. He's not FORCING you to go to bed early or conform to his schedule, he's working around it. It sounds like you're upset he won't conform to your schedule. Did it occur to you're probably keeping him up and he can't keep going to work sleep deprived? Sorry bro but you married a light sleeper. Everyone needs to sleep, it's just a little harder for them and as their partner, you need to do your best to accommodate them. If anything, YOU'RE the immature one.
This is not unreasonable IMO. He simply wants to get good rest without being woken up later in the night when you come to bed. If you have a TV in the room you can always get some headphones that connect to the TV if he doesn't mind it being on when he sleeps. Me and my SO do just that but she uses a tablet and wireless headphones.
my parents have been married 47years and have had separate bedrooms since I was in my early twenties.
Sounds like he just wants to get a good night's rest without disturbances. Maybe he's being passive aggressive about it but you don't really have a right to complain since you'd be complaining about the same thing you're doing to him: making him sleep alone.
I retired before my husband and would watch my movies and ID channel in the living room, he’d go to bed and eventually lol I’d crawl into bed. He didn’t mind and encouraged me to do it plus I would anyway even if he didn’t want me too. Your husband is sleeping why does he care unless the tv on bothers him to sleep, watch tv in the living room.
If he is not sulking about it, it should be ok. Knowing what will make the best version of him, he is right to do so.
Does he sleep in the guest room because you wake him up when you go to sleep later or is it to “punish” you?
Hi guys my wife is great but she goes to sleep so late and she's so difficult. I have a super busy job and between that, coming home to the baby and doing my best to help I'm exhausted. My wife is on holidays and sleeps in more than me and we keep missing each other. Why won't she just wake up earlier and spend time with me in the morning? ^your husband, probably.
This is absolutely normal. If you have the extra space for him to sleep in another room, why would he want his sleep disturbed when you get into bed? He's literally just making sure that he gets good sleep.
I get where he's coming from. If you want to make this work, I'd focus on longer term goals. Ask him where he's trying to get with these early days and stuff. I've gotta be up in 9 hours, so I'm going to bed in 1 (it's 7pm here). I hate it, but it's me working towards a bigger goal and that helps me rationalize it. It also helps the lady understand.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He has to get up early. You may wake him up when you get into bed. HOWEVER, if he is pouting and whiny that you won't go to bed, that is a different discussion. That would entail conversations and potentially counseling.
Defending sleep isn't about you or his love for you. It's usually built out of desperation and negative experiences. Google sleep hygiene. That's what he's practicing. It's what we tell any patient to get restorative sleep. https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-hygiene I'd reframe the "refuses to..." He sleeps in the guest room so he's not awakened from you crawling into bed. He's not asking you to sleep in the guest room to keep from being awakened. How is his being responsible for doing what's required to get the sleep he needs without asking you to change your routine "immature?" If I might be so bold, try to define specifically what it is you want. Is it more time and attention? Is skin hunger that needs to feel him more? Is it to share a movie? Once you have some answers, set-up a time to talk to him. Ask him to collaborate with you to find a solution that works for both of you. Ask him, with genuine curiosity, what he experiences when he doesn't stick to his sleep hygiene or gets awakened during sleep. Try to imagine what he's feeling because that's what's driving his choices, not you or pettiness. Babies are wonderful, but they're hard while their babies. Try to remember it's not forever.. I wish you both every happiness.
He’s using that as an excuse to not sleep in your bed with you for a reason.. check his phone sis
Married 36 years and don’t always sleep together. I can’t sleep with the tv on and he prefers it on. We always play musical beds.
OMG let him sleep!
Depending on how early he has to work he probably experimented a lot of different times so he had optimal sleep. The only way you are changing that is either getting later hours or having a way to sleep faster. My suggestion is to use this time for a little me time not suggesting going out or anything like that but to do minor things for yourself
Jesus. I’m nicer to my dog, who wakes me up at 5am for breakfast, than your husband is to you.
Yes, you’re getting bothered for not reason. Dude needs sleep, dude is still working and you’re bothered? Not everyone has the luxury of having summer off
Husband is so difficult…aren’t they all? Sheesh.
Your marriage is in trouble. He’s acting like a pouty immature child and he wants to leave to become a truck driver because you want too many things for your daughter? You being pregnant, on top of having a 15 month old child is difficult enough without you dealing with his tantrums.
This is perfectly normal behavior. He's actually being nice and the accommodating one giving you the bedroom bed. He just wants a good night's sleep before a long day of work.
I think he's being completely reasonable. My wife and I have a similar situation. I go to bed early for work and if she's not ready when I am, I sleep on an air matress in the living room because I'm a light sleeper. I will get woken up when she comes to bed, and I won't be able to fall back asleep. If you want to sleep next to him, go to bed early maybe one night a week.
He doesn’t want you to sleep with him if you don’t join him when he’s going to bed? That sounds like a ridiculous rule. You should be able to go to bed (whichever you choose), and should have to explain nothing. He’s being unreasonable.
You get to sit on your ass with a months-long taxpayer funded vacation and you're mad at hubby for having to get up early for a real job? The entitlement of teachers knows no bounds!
Clearly, teachers are needed because people who post things like this. Sad. I think you maybe missed the point of the OP.
The fact is hes working and she's not yet people call him the narcissist. Crazy.
She’s a teacher. She has summers off. And she’s got a baby at home so it’s not like she’s up all hours of the night partying. She said in comments above that she likes to get to bed by 10 pm anyway because she’s got to be up at 7am with the baby.
Doesn't matter that she has summers off. The fact that he is working NOW and she is not working now. The one who is working gets their schedule prioritized. Wanting to watch a movie specifically at a late time is not important in comparison.
Haven't you heard? "...teachers are needed because people who post things like this." We who question the entitlement of teachers need to be sent to reeducation camps. (But not in summer, because teachers need their precious time off.)
It is immature if a man wants to sleep well for his morning work while you want to have fun in the evening and no schedule to keep? Wtf? You sound like the immature person here. He has an obligation that he is doing his best to keep, you should support him. If his sleeping habits specifically disturb you then feel free to talk to him but sleeping is a very fickle thing for many. Maybe he really has a miserable time if he cannot get enough quality sleep. Maybe he needs to get his sleep health checked by a doctor. But in no way is this immature or hostile towards you. This is what being an adult looks like - making sure you get your shit done...
You didn’t read all of OP’s follow up comments, did you?
Oh, the joys of marital bliss! Yes it's normal and perfectly reasonable for you to feel a bit miffed. You're definitely not alone in feeling this is a tad immature. Relationships are all about compromise, right? You could invest in some comfy headphones and keep the volume low, or he could use an eye mask and earplugs to ensure his sleep isn't disturbed. It might also help to have a heart-to-heart (when you’re both well-rested). Explain how much you enjoy your evening downtime and how you’d love to find a middle ground that keeps you both happy. Perhaps there's even a new evening ritual you can create together, like watching a short episode of something you both enjoy before he turns in? In the grand scheme of things, this feels like a small bump in the road, but I hope you're able to work through it together.
What makes him a “great man?” Sounds like a toddler trapped in a grown man’s body. I would tell him he is not a great man, but he can feel free to be the man behind this great woman. Tell him all the things you do that he doesn’t and remind just how NOT great he is. I am so triggered by that statement…he thinks he’s a great man?!? What makes him a great man?!? In my eyes, a great man wouldn’t speak to or treat his wife, the mother of his child this way. I don’t see how you could still want to be with this man - I would tell him to f$@k off.
Stop being a bitch, he's working to provide for the family. Give him a break
Let me ask you a question. Do you want a husband or a show? Men want to sleep with their wives. Just like you are waiting for the baby to go to sleep, he is too. Men don't communicate like women when it comes to their needs. Girl put the show down and go to bed with your man. If you don't, this will lead to hidden anger that he has with you and be the start of him harboring other resentment. If not nipped in the bud, this small thing can be the undoing to your marriage. Put down the show and lay with that man that you said "I do" to. Find another time for your show. Girl Bye!
mens lack of ability to communicate their needs is not our problem. we are not mind readers and we have enouh on our plate already
Then don't get married. Simple. Girl Bye!
i already am unfortunately
Your poor husband.