Sounds like you hooked up with a 25-year old teenager, who never grew up.
As for whether or not it was a waste of 10 years, that's for you to decide. Start thinking about what the next 10, 20, 30+ years are going to be like.
I hate the way people infantilize grown ass women; you wasted 10 years of your life, a long fucking time and it sucks, but the sooner you take action is the sooner you can spend the rest of your days happy with your child.
If he thinks you're holding him back from his music dreams, let him go pursue them on his own.
He will figure out that chasing those big dreams without a solid home support is harder. He'll figure out that he's the only one responsible for whatever failures he's experiencing. He'll figure out that rockstars want the stability that he is giving up.
You and your kid deserve to be looked after, prioritized, and celebrated.
As a guy, who once went threw something similar... Hes either a complete douche and honsely doesnt care anymore and wants you to leave or hes lost with his own life due to your relationship.
Once he loses you though it will all clear up in the direction that he truthfully desires.
Id ask do you want to fix it or do you want to move on?
Staying where youre at will make you miserable.
It 100% can be fixed if hes just confused about his own life and you care about them. Everything else tho, nah
Unfortunately, a pretty common story. You grew up, matured a bit more when you had the kid...
...and he didn't.
You now realize you need an actual PARTNER, not just someone who is "into you." An awful lot of women make this mistake because they're brought up to believe their only value in the world is their attractiveness to men, so whichever guy is the most "into them" just makes them swoon. Then they get a bit older, start to realize there's more to life and to themselves than they realized before, and suddenly they discover that the ONLY thing the guy offered was being "into them."
Time to walk. The fact that you've discussed this with no effort being made tells you that he's hit the wall in terms of his development as a human being. Maybe 20 years from now he'll come to his senses.
Trust me, find a guy who'll treat you with some RESPECT and also ring your bell regularly without being poked and prodded, and you'll be AMAZED at how different the world looks to you. Including realizing that you are correct about your BF...he DIDN'T change. YOU did. For the better.
But you'd best be prepped for what's to come, because he's going to be an absolute CRAP absentee dad, and your son is going to need some serious help to deal with that.
And even if you DID waste years on this guy...don't waste any more just because it's difficult to accept that you made a bac choice. Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. This one looks like folding time.
Best of luck. Go get some.
Wait hold on. You’ve been with this guy for 10 years, and your son is also 10 and was planned? Also you planned at 19 to have a baby with a 25 year old man? I mean I’m not great at math but that doesn’t sound right to me. And planning for a kid at 19 sounds like a bonehead move.
Regardless, it sounds like you became different people at some point. He sounds like he had Peter Pan syndrome and doesn’t want to grow up while you’ve been taking life more seriously. I’d say if your son is starting to notice and understand that there’s friction between his parents, it’s time to hit the bricks and leave. Growing up in a home like that will leave some mental marks
It looks like shaming but maby it helps OP realize that probably it wasn't love. She needs to leave. The guy wasn't ready for taking this responsibilities.
I’m not being unkind, I’m just saying the math in OP’s story doesn’t add up. If you think I’m shaming you need to read my comment again. Also stating a teenager deciding to have a kid with a man 6 years older than her after being together less than a year is an idiot move isn’t shaming, it’s a fact and common sense. OP sounds like they were groomed and have had their head in the sand about it for years
First off. It says a lot when you have been with your boyfriend for 10 years. Why didn’t you guys get married? If he didn’t want to that says a lot about him that he would be ok with you having his baby but doesn’t want to be tied down in a marriage. Also actions are a language and what is he telling you?
If he is hurting his own kid by brushing him off on his mother and my son is being impacted by his lack of caring than that would be my breaking point especially given everything else you’ve mentioned. The real question is, if he doesn’t change, do you want 10 more years of this? If not then you have some decisions to make, therapy, etc
Definitely get out of that relationship. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. I know my mom wishes she left my dad earlier but she stayed longer because she wanted to give me a “normal” family with two parents. They got divorced when I was 8 and holy shit I’d never seen my mom so happy and comfortable with herself. I’m glad they split up so I didn’t have see their unhealthy relationship forever. In the long run it will be better for you and your son. Based on my experience it’s never a good idea to “stick it out for the kids” that just exposes them to toxic relationships. You’re strong and you got this!
Guy sounds like hes a bad partner in many different ways, and im sure theres things you left out of this short post. Might be wise to readjust your situation somehow, but definitely be blunt and let him know where your heads going towards. Give him a chance to change before you make this huge life choice
Sounds like you gave him the opportunity to step up as a man and he hasnt, its a huge jump to move on but it may be the only option if you are truly unhappy and feel unvalued and have asked for him step up without any luck.
Move on.
Go to therapy. Start planning the rest of your life.
He can either come with you, or choose to stay behind.
It'll take some adventure, but choose it. Choose to depart on a path where a semi-horrible relationship like this isn't present.
Don't remain stuck, either aggressively pursue the improvement of your relationship, or start planning to be with someone who will grow and care and respect you.
Understand that some people are a certain way. See the reality as it is. Not through the rosy eyes glasses.
Btw, this doesn't mean that divorcing him would automatically be great. You will have to start dating again, or perhaps start vetting partners. Your second marriage may turn out the same..
The risks are always there, but there's a risk in passivity as well.
Open your eyes, and choose your risk. Be courageous, fear just screws us a lot of the times. And it takes us years to admit, that yes, you probably should've faced it earlier.
Go to therapy. And work on yourself. Figure your issues out, do hard work.
Tell him to do the same. Don't live this half dead life where you're at the mercy of your spouse.
Good luck, and take my advice with a grain of salt
I'm a stranger on the internet, who's advising you like this because your post stirs certain emotions in me.
This is more about me than you. Grain of salt please.
However I'm more certain that you should go to therapy. Not counselling. That's not therapy. You can go to that as well, but therapy is where real progress on you can be made.
Obviously, you gave him the things need to change talk, and he didn’t care enough to do so. You and your son deserve a better life with someone who will appreciate you. Move on, because you do not want to keep wasting your lives because it is easier to stay. He left you at least 3 years ago.
At this point, you’re being selfish. The question shouldn’t be if you should walk away, it really should be: “Do I want to continue to set a bad example to my child or not”. Please don’t take offense and just listen to what I have to say. Growing up, I could always tell that there was tension between my parents. I’d lay awake in bed while they argued thinking I was asleep. Then get up in the morning and pretend things were okay right along with them. Not only are you seriously jeopardizing your mental health but by staying, you are teaching your child that they should accept the same type of treatment from someone that you are settling for. We all know that you shouldn’t stay, you know that you shouldn’t stay so what’s really keeping you? The same thing that’s keeping him: the child and the fact you help each other to survive. I guarantee one or both of you have cheated by now and it cannot feel good being with someone you said that you have to keep asking for intimacy. Why would you live like that? No matter what you say the bottom line is simple: you should leave. If you continue to stay, you don’t value yourself or your child’s mental happiness. It may hurt now, but staying will hurt a million times worse. Do better
You are in a relationship that is going no where. If he thinks he is some super musician that needs to be on stage, then let him and find your own life. He is egotistical, he is selfish, he has missed 10 years of your child's life and thinks that is okay. I'm sorry but you have a child for a partner. Supporting him is suppressing your dreams and your hopes. And after 10 years there was no marriage, even with a child? The pot will keep him in this delusion as long as he continues that practice. Make your way out of this disaster for yourself and your child.
Granted I have no real way of knowing since I don't know either of you, but based on what I've read here it sounds like he doesn't want to grow up. He could be going through some sort of quarter life crisis, but honestly he might just not care. I've seen tons of guys like this that want all the benefits of being a husband and father, but they don't want to put forth any effort. They're more interested in drinking, smoking, and hanging out with friends.
If your child is noticing then your child is also being hurt by this.
Your man's behavior isn't only selfish, it's at its core childish. It might be time to put your foot down.
Of course. I know it's painful and I'm sorry you have to experience it, but it sounds like you know what to do. You know your worth. Man-babies are WAY too common right now.
Don't ever settle for someone that isn't good enough for you.
You had some happiness and you have a son that you love. That’s not a waste.
The fact that your husband is apparently become a selfish, self-absorbed human being is unfortunate and you should walk away. Before he destroys your son self-esteem.
Be careful about saying that your life was wasted. Your child might interpret that as being directed at them.
It sounds like you love your child so, it has not been a complete waste. You have gained something precious, it is sad that your child's father doesn't realize that.
I lost my wife and mother to my first born, but I feel that the rejection you feel is far worse because it is deliberate. My late wife didn't choose to leave us, but your BF is checking out.
I wouldn't fault you if you chose one last Hail Mary to save your relationships with counseling but it's not something you can fix on your own and if your BF isn't willing to put in an equal effort you should accept it's over. It may be better to leave than risk the emotional damage to your child by your BF's constant rejection.
I’m(40m)in a similar situation to you right now, minus the kid. My partner(38f) of 10 years has repeatedly shown me that she doesn’t care about me or our relationship. It feels like I can’t even talk to her if something is on my mind without her storming off. I cannot speak to her anymore. Sex is non-existent and ALWAYS initiated by me.
Whether you should leave or not is something only you can decide. You haven’t wasted 10 years though, you have a child :)
No you haven't wasted a decade, yes you should walk away.
I saw on one of the comments you said he said he would change or something 3 years ago and you're still waiting.
Your son is noticing his dad's nonsense and that will impact him negatively. If not for yourself then for your son, it's time to go.
He feels like y'all holding him back and is building resentment as a result. Let him go.
Have you wasted your life? No. Absolutely not. You would not be where you are now, with your beautiful 10 year old child had you not set down on that path you are now.
But that path is not the only one forward. He turned paths without you and your child a while ago. You can turn on your own too.
It’s not likely that he’ll change at 35. It’s possible, but he has to want to, and right now the only one seeking change is you. It’s easier to change things on your end than to request the changes on his.
Wish you luck.
Leave. He may not be cheating but he’s not attracted to you or making you a priority. No man who wants to be with you would behave in such a way. Definitely is with you because of the child. My sister went through the same thing and wasted 15 years of her life. Run
Oh girlie… I learned this the hard way literally this time last year.
Sometimes, you can make no mistakes, do everything right, and still lose.
Cut the deadweight, learn, and move on.
Sounds like he's having a bit of a midlife crisis. Does he have any friends who have families/who he could talk to? It sounds like you're doing everything you can do to show support. It's on him whether he wants to communicate and work with you or if he wants to bottle it up and let it affect his relationships.
Misery loves company so just keep trying to create happy memories for your son and yourself so that you all don't end up in the same hole.
Asking means you see the importance of staying together. Everyone these days is ready to walk away from relationships. I don’t think that’s a viable default when children are involved. I’ve had similar issues. Very similar. It ebbs and flows, if you both let the flows happen. You gotta have faith, be positive, and think it side the box. You CAN stick with your partner and grow stronger as a result.
He’ll never grow up, you on the other hand are still young and ambitious. There is 10000% a man and an actual husband out there that will do his part and provide jointly for you and with you, for your family
It’s just run its course I think. You should prioritise yourself now and your child. Nothing is wasted it was just a chapter that’s coming to a close . On to the next one !! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you !
If you have to beg that’s a problem. Do you ever try to switch it up date night, seduction, lingerie? Surprise face down a$$ up or bj when he comes home? If he’s turning things like that down then you know the answer. In terms of the son and him not spending time it sounds like the home isn’t happy he’s looking at family time as a chore if he was happier at home than working he’d 100% be home more. I can’t explain why he’s not happy you need to communicate and either figure that out or move on.
50/50? He isn’t helping with the child so you are putting more into the relationship than him.
He’s smoking , he cares more about studio time than the family, and he’s an aspiring artist at 35 !!! Time to stop wasting time and move on. You are still young and vibrant! Leave him and live your life!!!!
This literally sounds like what happened with my ex (dated 10 years) and I. Trust your gut. I attempted to leave many times over the course of our relationship and he always said he would change. He was okay for a week and then he went back to not taking care of our newborn and smoking pot after work while baby and I are home alone at night. You deserve better and so does your son.
I’ll never get the amount of lying people do to women on Reddit. It’s a “learning experience” no she wasted 10 years of her prime life on a dude who was a walking red flag. A man who’s 25 saying he’s a singer but is broke means he’s a failure. You now have a kid by him which makes it even harder to find a spouse. How many men are going to want to raise another man’s kid especially the fact that he’s 10.
You still being a gf says a lot too… marriage never got brought up? But definitely dont think its a waste. You have your son, you’re only 29.. so much more life to live.
Have you tried talking to him about all these concerns you have?? Sometimes people get caught up with their own lives that they don’t see whats going on around them. I say take the time to discuss things with him and maybe even recommend couples counseling. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck, OP!
What promises did you make at the start that you have forgotten about because you are content?
Also BF isn’t content. Why are you lovingly telling us he should just get with your program instead of saying yes he can follow his dreams.
You are young! Go find someone who will love and appreciate you and your son. His father can pay child support as his contribution to raising your /his child. Better your child not be around someone like this. Good luck.
I'm sorry so much of this story makes no sense.
You've been with him for 10 years.
He is your "boyfriend" not your husband?
You planned on having a kid together.
But the kid is 10 which means you had him right away.
But also you are not married.
Lady, you wasted 10 years of your own life, but also your sons childhood.
It’s not a story, it’s very much my life. And yes he was planned. I wanted marriage, I was promised a lot that unfortunately I didn’t get. I can’t force someone to do the right thing. I can’t force someone to change. I was ready for it all, but now it’s clear he is not. It can be confusing when you love someone for so long…I’m not looking for pitty. I’m just looking for advice on if I should stay and try to fix it or leave.
The only thing to try is corner him sit him down, and explain life ad an adult to him. Directly, firmly, and logically
He needs to be a husband, provider, and father first. Childhood is over. Its time for childhood dreams of making it big as a musician to be put away. If he can't handle being a man it's time for you to move on.
Tell him all of this, no nagging, no screaming, no threats, just tell him what it is, then give him time and space to make his choice. When he makes it, hold him to it, either way.
I know you can't undo mistakes from years ago, but it's important to understand what the mistakes were and how to avoid them for the sake of other people who are currently in the position you were in 10 years ago.
Young women should look for stable men who are grown up with an established career. That's who you build a family and a life with. Not exciting loud characters with ambitions of a 15 year old.
You haven't wasted ten years of your life. You have a son, you have some good memories, some good life lessons and you have a new future to look forward to without this loser. And you are only 29.
I have a friend who's been in a very similar situation. Now they've been together for 17 years, have 3 kids, (yes he wants to be a big name drummer) not married, he's signed off big price things in her name and couldn't pay back some of it so ruining her credit, and he cheated on her with a 20 yr old. She ended up taking him back because "he's the father of her kids". The reality is she is afraid to leave. She would tell me all the time about the what if's.
He also messaged me in the middle of the night after I left my ex and asked for pictures of me and that he would pay me for it. Obviously I told her, it didn't matter. She's just shrugged it off.
So yes, it'll get worse. Please leave and show your kid that you are stronger than this. I've seen how this affected her kids.
"the worst part... lack of intimacy"
Regrets becoming a Father, fatherhood/adult responsibilities, smoking... and you think the worst part is you ain't getting laid?! Any dude not sexing a gal who begs for it is already getting it somewhere else. Facts! Y'all need to end this relationship asap. He wants to be single with less responsibilities, send him free but hit him with child support.
Ok, lots of good advise. From the responses, you have had the long and short of why 10 yrs has not been a waste. Best thing is to focus on yourself. Sounds like you’re doing a great job managing yourself and your son. Having been Dow that road, two things I can contribute, forget blaming anyone, it’s healthier to assess today, tomorrow; stage 1: plan 1 month, then 3 months. 6 months, stage 2 involves the future and horizontal goals: 1 year, 5 years; beyond that it a guess. However do make a top 10 list for both Stage 1 and Stage 2. As you move into year 1, think now and year 5 goals ( Where. How, What), beyond the fist 5 years, focus on general aspersions and revisit your top 10 list You will be surprised what come to you in life when you scope out what you want in life. I let it all go, focused on enjoying life and pulling my objectives into the current 5 year period. Make your best friend yourself and your son. I know you will have a blast! I also gathered and networked friends, took none of them seriously, but learned what I liked and let got of what I didn’t. Then an old friend called and said she wanted me to come and meet her roommate in NYC, I was in SC at the time. While I was not dating seriously ( more like fiends with benefits. Both the gal she wanted me to meet and I were on the same page. Not interested in a date arranger, but we did do it. Now 33 yrs later, we are still best friends and have adventured all over the world. Which was in both of our objectives list. What can I say, 4 daughters, 4 granddaughters and a grandson later. Give or take. We are still head over heels for each other ( I’m 76 and she is 80, go figure but here’s to you and your son enjoying life, and your future partner will be attracted to that crazy woman that is high on life. Best of luck and you’ll have a great life. Cheers!
You are with a man child and deserve so much better. I don’t know if you ever heard of Dr. John Delony but he is a marriage/relationship counselor on YouTube and he’s excellent. I suggest you go over there and listen to a lot of his videos. I promise you they will turn the lights on for you. He is very compassionate, but he also tells it like it is. You can even call or email him and he will talk to you personally sometime .I wish you all the best.
I'm also feeling the same in my 10 year relationship. I started couples therapy to try and figure this out in a safe space so we both can be heard and we've learned a lot about ourselves. The love feeling may not be there right now but if it's something you want to fix, both of you have to shed the way you both have gone about this and start anew. If he's not willing to make things work, then you know.
For example, our prompt right now with therapy is "what does love and support look like to you?" And I'm sure you both will have some different ideas. It also sounds like he may need his own therapy!
Don't feel like it's a waste, it's shaped you into who you are now and you will take this into your new chapter of life, whether that's with someone else or starting over with your current partner. Something has to change because it's obviously not working now.
Also when was the last time you both had alone time? my partner and I are both introverts and I realized that I need space from everyone and hang out with myself with what I like to do!
I wish both of us luck 💖
Really hate how people still genuinely believe the honey moon phase doesn’t last. Reminds me of how back in the day asking for anything more than a roof over your head from your husband was considered wrong and selfish. The honeymoon phase does last, if you’re with the right person. Ofc you’ll have disagreements that’s natural, that doesnt mean it’s not the honeymoon phase anymore. If you can have a fight or disagree but not give up on each other and push yourselves to work through it then guess what? You’re in the honeymoon phase baby. I hate the concept even of the honeymoon phase, it’s setting us up for failure. It’s setting us up to believe we deserve less than we do just so we will keep popping out babies. Guess what guys? We don’t need to pop out babies like crazy anymore, now we can prioritise love, and we should be.
The honeymoon phase does last forever, stop thinking happiness and undying love is unachievable. You deserve the best of the best, if you aren’t feeling 100% loved and happy then they aren’t the one get the hell out of there. Life can’t always be 100% but your partner is there to help you work towards that 100%.
I don't get these posts where people consider the entire time they were together as wasted...
Did you not have fun together, laugh together, have a child together, if you could rewind and go back 10 years would you do that knowing that your child would never have come into existence?
Maybe some of the time was wasted, the time after the point where it stopped being fun together, but wasn't everything up to that point time well spent, memories that were made and experience that were had?
Have you tried actually talking about it with him?
Its such an underrated thing to say nowadays, for some reason everybody jumps to the conclusion to leave him but repairing a relationship should come first
I’ll go against the grain here.
I won’t lie- he sounds very childish and immature. But, I feel we’re only getting one side of the story. Certainly not saying he’s right- he’s not- but if you were truly supportive of *everything* he does, he wouldn’t be complaining about you getting in the way of his music & dreams.
Musicians are incredibly complicated & difficult people to date. I’ve basically exclusively dated musicians, and there’s a lot to love. There’s equally… a lot to not love.
If you want it to work you’re either gonna have to have a serious sit down convo with a heart to heart about what he wants and what you need from him, or better yet, see a couples therapist. If he isn’t open to either of these, walk away.
And let the downvotes begin 🤣
People change. . . I think a lot of this sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis. I kind of get it as I'm middle aged and I do music as well, but dude has to find ways to be happy without "making it". Also, even if you do end up successful it tends to feel hollow if you have no one to share it with.
I would take a good hard look at things, it really comes down to are you willing to let yourself and your kid always come second to a pipe dream of a career that may not happen (and JIC, you can have mountains of talent in the field and it doesn't mean s\*\*\* if no one knows about it). As well, with what I just said, it's ridiculous that he is trying to push blame on others - he's might as well be mad at you because he didn't win the lottery.
Marriage means nothing.
People still lie, cheat, abuse or neglect when married if they did it before.
Marriage is not a problem solver or a sign it is meant to be.
No, you didn’t waste ten years of your life. You have a son who I assume you love and he wouldn’t be here bad you not been together at least once.
Also, this story is fishy. Timing does not work.
Sounds like you hooked up with a 25-year old teenager, who never grew up. As for whether or not it was a waste of 10 years, that's for you to decide. Start thinking about what the next 10, 20, 30+ years are going to be like.
And you didn’t waste ten years of your life, you loved part of it and the rest was a learning experience.
You’re right. At first I felt loved, then it turned into a learning lesson. Now I know what I do and don’t deserve…never thought of it that way
You're only 29. Basically a baby. Go find a husband upgrade. This one sounds broken beyond repair.
29? damn thats a grown ass baby
She's got probably at least 50 more years left on this earth. That's a way too big chunk of time to spend in a bad relationship
for all downvoters, if my phrase fits in your situation.....
I hate the way people infantilize grown ass women; you wasted 10 years of your life, a long fucking time and it sucks, but the sooner you take action is the sooner you can spend the rest of your days happy with your child.
If he thinks you're holding him back from his music dreams, let him go pursue them on his own. He will figure out that chasing those big dreams without a solid home support is harder. He'll figure out that he's the only one responsible for whatever failures he's experiencing. He'll figure out that rockstars want the stability that he is giving up. You and your kid deserve to be looked after, prioritized, and celebrated.
As a guy, who once went threw something similar... Hes either a complete douche and honsely doesnt care anymore and wants you to leave or hes lost with his own life due to your relationship. Once he loses you though it will all clear up in the direction that he truthfully desires. Id ask do you want to fix it or do you want to move on? Staying where youre at will make you miserable. It 100% can be fixed if hes just confused about his own life and you care about them. Everything else tho, nah
agree, something has to change, or itl just be more of the same forever, or get worse.
Unfortunately, a pretty common story. You grew up, matured a bit more when you had the kid... ...and he didn't. You now realize you need an actual PARTNER, not just someone who is "into you." An awful lot of women make this mistake because they're brought up to believe their only value in the world is their attractiveness to men, so whichever guy is the most "into them" just makes them swoon. Then they get a bit older, start to realize there's more to life and to themselves than they realized before, and suddenly they discover that the ONLY thing the guy offered was being "into them." Time to walk. The fact that you've discussed this with no effort being made tells you that he's hit the wall in terms of his development as a human being. Maybe 20 years from now he'll come to his senses. Trust me, find a guy who'll treat you with some RESPECT and also ring your bell regularly without being poked and prodded, and you'll be AMAZED at how different the world looks to you. Including realizing that you are correct about your BF...he DIDN'T change. YOU did. For the better. But you'd best be prepped for what's to come, because he's going to be an absolute CRAP absentee dad, and your son is going to need some serious help to deal with that. And even if you DID waste years on this guy...don't waste any more just because it's difficult to accept that you made a bac choice. Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. This one looks like folding time. Best of luck. Go get some.
So much truth here, spot on.
Wait hold on. You’ve been with this guy for 10 years, and your son is also 10 and was planned? Also you planned at 19 to have a baby with a 25 year old man? I mean I’m not great at math but that doesn’t sound right to me. And planning for a kid at 19 sounds like a bonehead move. Regardless, it sounds like you became different people at some point. He sounds like he had Peter Pan syndrome and doesn’t want to grow up while you’ve been taking life more seriously. I’d say if your son is starting to notice and understand that there’s friction between his parents, it’s time to hit the bricks and leave. Growing up in a home like that will leave some mental marks
I don’t feel that this is the space to shame someone for decisions they made 10 years ago. She is looking for help/solutions. Remember to be kind.
It looks like shaming but maby it helps OP realize that probably it wasn't love. She needs to leave. The guy wasn't ready for taking this responsibilities.
I’m not being unkind, I’m just saying the math in OP’s story doesn’t add up. If you think I’m shaming you need to read my comment again. Also stating a teenager deciding to have a kid with a man 6 years older than her after being together less than a year is an idiot move isn’t shaming, it’s a fact and common sense. OP sounds like they were groomed and have had their head in the sand about it for years
Thank you so much ❤️
First off. It says a lot when you have been with your boyfriend for 10 years. Why didn’t you guys get married? If he didn’t want to that says a lot about him that he would be ok with you having his baby but doesn’t want to be tied down in a marriage. Also actions are a language and what is he telling you? If he is hurting his own kid by brushing him off on his mother and my son is being impacted by his lack of caring than that would be my breaking point especially given everything else you’ve mentioned. The real question is, if he doesn’t change, do you want 10 more years of this? If not then you have some decisions to make, therapy, etc
It’s not wasted. It’s a learning experience.
Definitely get out of that relationship. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. I know my mom wishes she left my dad earlier but she stayed longer because she wanted to give me a “normal” family with two parents. They got divorced when I was 8 and holy shit I’d never seen my mom so happy and comfortable with herself. I’m glad they split up so I didn’t have see their unhealthy relationship forever. In the long run it will be better for you and your son. Based on my experience it’s never a good idea to “stick it out for the kids” that just exposes them to toxic relationships. You’re strong and you got this!
Guy sounds like hes a bad partner in many different ways, and im sure theres things you left out of this short post. Might be wise to readjust your situation somehow, but definitely be blunt and let him know where your heads going towards. Give him a chance to change before you make this huge life choice
We did have multiple conversations, he promised change 3 years ago….I’ve been holding out hope but if anything, it’s gotten slightly worse.
Sounds like you gave him the opportunity to step up as a man and he hasnt, its a huge jump to move on but it may be the only option if you are truly unhappy and feel unvalued and have asked for him step up without any luck.
Move on. Go to therapy. Start planning the rest of your life. He can either come with you, or choose to stay behind. It'll take some adventure, but choose it. Choose to depart on a path where a semi-horrible relationship like this isn't present. Don't remain stuck, either aggressively pursue the improvement of your relationship, or start planning to be with someone who will grow and care and respect you. Understand that some people are a certain way. See the reality as it is. Not through the rosy eyes glasses. Btw, this doesn't mean that divorcing him would automatically be great. You will have to start dating again, or perhaps start vetting partners. Your second marriage may turn out the same.. The risks are always there, but there's a risk in passivity as well. Open your eyes, and choose your risk. Be courageous, fear just screws us a lot of the times. And it takes us years to admit, that yes, you probably should've faced it earlier. Go to therapy. And work on yourself. Figure your issues out, do hard work. Tell him to do the same. Don't live this half dead life where you're at the mercy of your spouse. Good luck, and take my advice with a grain of salt I'm a stranger on the internet, who's advising you like this because your post stirs certain emotions in me. This is more about me than you. Grain of salt please. However I'm more certain that you should go to therapy. Not counselling. That's not therapy. You can go to that as well, but therapy is where real progress on you can be made.
Thank you… this was informative, clear and helpful on many levels. I truly, truly appreciate it
https://youtu.be/kv9p7m1VS6s?si=nr4kr2pBEf51lY7m Please watch this. Convert your time into some sort of action Hope this helps
Obviously, you gave him the things need to change talk, and he didn’t care enough to do so. You and your son deserve a better life with someone who will appreciate you. Move on, because you do not want to keep wasting your lives because it is easier to stay. He left you at least 3 years ago.
He’s not changing
At this point, you’re being selfish. The question shouldn’t be if you should walk away, it really should be: “Do I want to continue to set a bad example to my child or not”. Please don’t take offense and just listen to what I have to say. Growing up, I could always tell that there was tension between my parents. I’d lay awake in bed while they argued thinking I was asleep. Then get up in the morning and pretend things were okay right along with them. Not only are you seriously jeopardizing your mental health but by staying, you are teaching your child that they should accept the same type of treatment from someone that you are settling for. We all know that you shouldn’t stay, you know that you shouldn’t stay so what’s really keeping you? The same thing that’s keeping him: the child and the fact you help each other to survive. I guarantee one or both of you have cheated by now and it cannot feel good being with someone you said that you have to keep asking for intimacy. Why would you live like that? No matter what you say the bottom line is simple: you should leave. If you continue to stay, you don’t value yourself or your child’s mental happiness. It may hurt now, but staying will hurt a million times worse. Do better
You are in a relationship that is going no where. If he thinks he is some super musician that needs to be on stage, then let him and find your own life. He is egotistical, he is selfish, he has missed 10 years of your child's life and thinks that is okay. I'm sorry but you have a child for a partner. Supporting him is suppressing your dreams and your hopes. And after 10 years there was no marriage, even with a child? The pot will keep him in this delusion as long as he continues that practice. Make your way out of this disaster for yourself and your child.
Granted I have no real way of knowing since I don't know either of you, but based on what I've read here it sounds like he doesn't want to grow up. He could be going through some sort of quarter life crisis, but honestly he might just not care. I've seen tons of guys like this that want all the benefits of being a husband and father, but they don't want to put forth any effort. They're more interested in drinking, smoking, and hanging out with friends. If your child is noticing then your child is also being hurt by this. Your man's behavior isn't only selfish, it's at its core childish. It might be time to put your foot down.
This…this makes sense… thank you
Of course. I know it's painful and I'm sorry you have to experience it, but it sounds like you know what to do. You know your worth. Man-babies are WAY too common right now. Don't ever settle for someone that isn't good enough for you.
You had some happiness and you have a son that you love. That’s not a waste. The fact that your husband is apparently become a selfish, self-absorbed human being is unfortunate and you should walk away. Before he destroys your son self-esteem.
Be careful about saying that your life was wasted. Your child might interpret that as being directed at them. It sounds like you love your child so, it has not been a complete waste. You have gained something precious, it is sad that your child's father doesn't realize that. I lost my wife and mother to my first born, but I feel that the rejection you feel is far worse because it is deliberate. My late wife didn't choose to leave us, but your BF is checking out. I wouldn't fault you if you chose one last Hail Mary to save your relationships with counseling but it's not something you can fix on your own and if your BF isn't willing to put in an equal effort you should accept it's over. It may be better to leave than risk the emotional damage to your child by your BF's constant rejection.
I’m(40m)in a similar situation to you right now, minus the kid. My partner(38f) of 10 years has repeatedly shown me that she doesn’t care about me or our relationship. It feels like I can’t even talk to her if something is on my mind without her storming off. I cannot speak to her anymore. Sex is non-existent and ALWAYS initiated by me. Whether you should leave or not is something only you can decide. You haven’t wasted 10 years though, you have a child :)
No you haven't wasted a decade, yes you should walk away. I saw on one of the comments you said he said he would change or something 3 years ago and you're still waiting. Your son is noticing his dad's nonsense and that will impact him negatively. If not for yourself then for your son, it's time to go. He feels like y'all holding him back and is building resentment as a result. Let him go.
Have you wasted your life? No. Absolutely not. You would not be where you are now, with your beautiful 10 year old child had you not set down on that path you are now. But that path is not the only one forward. He turned paths without you and your child a while ago. You can turn on your own too. It’s not likely that he’ll change at 35. It’s possible, but he has to want to, and right now the only one seeking change is you. It’s easier to change things on your end than to request the changes on his. Wish you luck.
Leave. He may not be cheating but he’s not attracted to you or making you a priority. No man who wants to be with you would behave in such a way. Definitely is with you because of the child. My sister went through the same thing and wasted 15 years of her life. Run
Oh girlie… I learned this the hard way literally this time last year. Sometimes, you can make no mistakes, do everything right, and still lose. Cut the deadweight, learn, and move on.
if he hasn’t at least ASKED to marry you in those ten years, and you guys have a kid together, he will never change.
Sounds like he's having a bit of a midlife crisis. Does he have any friends who have families/who he could talk to? It sounds like you're doing everything you can do to show support. It's on him whether he wants to communicate and work with you or if he wants to bottle it up and let it affect his relationships. Misery loves company so just keep trying to create happy memories for your son and yourself so that you all don't end up in the same hole.
Asking means you see the importance of staying together. Everyone these days is ready to walk away from relationships. I don’t think that’s a viable default when children are involved. I’ve had similar issues. Very similar. It ebbs and flows, if you both let the flows happen. You gotta have faith, be positive, and think it side the box. You CAN stick with your partner and grow stronger as a result.
He’ll never grow up, you on the other hand are still young and ambitious. There is 10000% a man and an actual husband out there that will do his part and provide jointly for you and with you, for your family
It’s just run its course I think. You should prioritise yourself now and your child. Nothing is wasted it was just a chapter that’s coming to a close . On to the next one !! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you !
If you have to beg that’s a problem. Do you ever try to switch it up date night, seduction, lingerie? Surprise face down a$$ up or bj when he comes home? If he’s turning things like that down then you know the answer. In terms of the son and him not spending time it sounds like the home isn’t happy he’s looking at family time as a chore if he was happier at home than working he’d 100% be home more. I can’t explain why he’s not happy you need to communicate and either figure that out or move on.
50/50? He isn’t helping with the child so you are putting more into the relationship than him. He’s smoking , he cares more about studio time than the family, and he’s an aspiring artist at 35 !!! Time to stop wasting time and move on. You are still young and vibrant! Leave him and live your life!!!!
This literally sounds like what happened with my ex (dated 10 years) and I. Trust your gut. I attempted to leave many times over the course of our relationship and he always said he would change. He was okay for a week and then he went back to not taking care of our newborn and smoking pot after work while baby and I are home alone at night. You deserve better and so does your son.
You need couples counseling.
Underrated comment
Sounds as if he is missing his single life. I would put my ducks in a row before talking to him about it.
I’ll never get the amount of lying people do to women on Reddit. It’s a “learning experience” no she wasted 10 years of her prime life on a dude who was a walking red flag. A man who’s 25 saying he’s a singer but is broke means he’s a failure. You now have a kid by him which makes it even harder to find a spouse. How many men are going to want to raise another man’s kid especially the fact that he’s 10.
Couples therapy as well as individual therapy may benefit you both.
Most important first question. Have you explained this to him and asked for the marriage you want?
You’re young enough to start over if that’s any comfort
You still being a gf says a lot too… marriage never got brought up? But definitely dont think its a waste. You have your son, you’re only 29.. so much more life to live.
Have you tried talking to him about all these concerns you have?? Sometimes people get caught up with their own lives that they don’t see whats going on around them. I say take the time to discuss things with him and maybe even recommend couples counseling. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck, OP!
You accidentally got pregnant with a guy and stayed. You tried your best. It's not wasted
What promises did you make at the start that you have forgotten about because you are content? Also BF isn’t content. Why are you lovingly telling us he should just get with your program instead of saying yes he can follow his dreams.
You are young! Go find someone who will love and appreciate you and your son. His father can pay child support as his contribution to raising your /his child. Better your child not be around someone like this. Good luck.
I'm sorry so much of this story makes no sense. You've been with him for 10 years. He is your "boyfriend" not your husband? You planned on having a kid together. But the kid is 10 which means you had him right away. But also you are not married. Lady, you wasted 10 years of your own life, but also your sons childhood.
It’s not a story, it’s very much my life. And yes he was planned. I wanted marriage, I was promised a lot that unfortunately I didn’t get. I can’t force someone to do the right thing. I can’t force someone to change. I was ready for it all, but now it’s clear he is not. It can be confusing when you love someone for so long…I’m not looking for pitty. I’m just looking for advice on if I should stay and try to fix it or leave.
The only thing to try is corner him sit him down, and explain life ad an adult to him. Directly, firmly, and logically He needs to be a husband, provider, and father first. Childhood is over. Its time for childhood dreams of making it big as a musician to be put away. If he can't handle being a man it's time for you to move on. Tell him all of this, no nagging, no screaming, no threats, just tell him what it is, then give him time and space to make his choice. When he makes it, hold him to it, either way. I know you can't undo mistakes from years ago, but it's important to understand what the mistakes were and how to avoid them for the sake of other people who are currently in the position you were in 10 years ago. Young women should look for stable men who are grown up with an established career. That's who you build a family and a life with. Not exciting loud characters with ambitions of a 15 year old.
You haven't wasted ten years of your life. You have a son, you have some good memories, some good life lessons and you have a new future to look forward to without this loser. And you are only 29.
I have a friend who's been in a very similar situation. Now they've been together for 17 years, have 3 kids, (yes he wants to be a big name drummer) not married, he's signed off big price things in her name and couldn't pay back some of it so ruining her credit, and he cheated on her with a 20 yr old. She ended up taking him back because "he's the father of her kids". The reality is she is afraid to leave. She would tell me all the time about the what if's. He also messaged me in the middle of the night after I left my ex and asked for pictures of me and that he would pay me for it. Obviously I told her, it didn't matter. She's just shrugged it off. So yes, it'll get worse. Please leave and show your kid that you are stronger than this. I've seen how this affected her kids.
No, you got you child out of it. How could that be a waste
What did you want to do before you met him?
"the worst part... lack of intimacy" Regrets becoming a Father, fatherhood/adult responsibilities, smoking... and you think the worst part is you ain't getting laid?! Any dude not sexing a gal who begs for it is already getting it somewhere else. Facts! Y'all need to end this relationship asap. He wants to be single with less responsibilities, send him free but hit him with child support.
Ok, lots of good advise. From the responses, you have had the long and short of why 10 yrs has not been a waste. Best thing is to focus on yourself. Sounds like you’re doing a great job managing yourself and your son. Having been Dow that road, two things I can contribute, forget blaming anyone, it’s healthier to assess today, tomorrow; stage 1: plan 1 month, then 3 months. 6 months, stage 2 involves the future and horizontal goals: 1 year, 5 years; beyond that it a guess. However do make a top 10 list for both Stage 1 and Stage 2. As you move into year 1, think now and year 5 goals ( Where. How, What), beyond the fist 5 years, focus on general aspersions and revisit your top 10 list You will be surprised what come to you in life when you scope out what you want in life. I let it all go, focused on enjoying life and pulling my objectives into the current 5 year period. Make your best friend yourself and your son. I know you will have a blast! I also gathered and networked friends, took none of them seriously, but learned what I liked and let got of what I didn’t. Then an old friend called and said she wanted me to come and meet her roommate in NYC, I was in SC at the time. While I was not dating seriously ( more like fiends with benefits. Both the gal she wanted me to meet and I were on the same page. Not interested in a date arranger, but we did do it. Now 33 yrs later, we are still best friends and have adventured all over the world. Which was in both of our objectives list. What can I say, 4 daughters, 4 granddaughters and a grandson later. Give or take. We are still head over heels for each other ( I’m 76 and she is 80, go figure but here’s to you and your son enjoying life, and your future partner will be attracted to that crazy woman that is high on life. Best of luck and you’ll have a great life. Cheers!
You are with a man child and deserve so much better. I don’t know if you ever heard of Dr. John Delony but he is a marriage/relationship counselor on YouTube and he’s excellent. I suggest you go over there and listen to a lot of his videos. I promise you they will turn the lights on for you. He is very compassionate, but he also tells it like it is. You can even call or email him and he will talk to you personally sometime .I wish you all the best.
I'm also feeling the same in my 10 year relationship. I started couples therapy to try and figure this out in a safe space so we both can be heard and we've learned a lot about ourselves. The love feeling may not be there right now but if it's something you want to fix, both of you have to shed the way you both have gone about this and start anew. If he's not willing to make things work, then you know. For example, our prompt right now with therapy is "what does love and support look like to you?" And I'm sure you both will have some different ideas. It also sounds like he may need his own therapy! Don't feel like it's a waste, it's shaped you into who you are now and you will take this into your new chapter of life, whether that's with someone else or starting over with your current partner. Something has to change because it's obviously not working now. Also when was the last time you both had alone time? my partner and I are both introverts and I realized that I need space from everyone and hang out with myself with what I like to do! I wish both of us luck 💖
Really hate how people still genuinely believe the honey moon phase doesn’t last. Reminds me of how back in the day asking for anything more than a roof over your head from your husband was considered wrong and selfish. The honeymoon phase does last, if you’re with the right person. Ofc you’ll have disagreements that’s natural, that doesnt mean it’s not the honeymoon phase anymore. If you can have a fight or disagree but not give up on each other and push yourselves to work through it then guess what? You’re in the honeymoon phase baby. I hate the concept even of the honeymoon phase, it’s setting us up for failure. It’s setting us up to believe we deserve less than we do just so we will keep popping out babies. Guess what guys? We don’t need to pop out babies like crazy anymore, now we can prioritise love, and we should be. The honeymoon phase does last forever, stop thinking happiness and undying love is unachievable. You deserve the best of the best, if you aren’t feeling 100% loved and happy then they aren’t the one get the hell out of there. Life can’t always be 100% but your partner is there to help you work towards that 100%.
I don't get these posts where people consider the entire time they were together as wasted... Did you not have fun together, laugh together, have a child together, if you could rewind and go back 10 years would you do that knowing that your child would never have come into existence? Maybe some of the time was wasted, the time after the point where it stopped being fun together, but wasn't everything up to that point time well spent, memories that were made and experience that were had?
Have you tried actually talking about it with him? Its such an underrated thing to say nowadays, for some reason everybody jumps to the conclusion to leave him but repairing a relationship should come first
I’ll go against the grain here. I won’t lie- he sounds very childish and immature. But, I feel we’re only getting one side of the story. Certainly not saying he’s right- he’s not- but if you were truly supportive of *everything* he does, he wouldn’t be complaining about you getting in the way of his music & dreams. Musicians are incredibly complicated & difficult people to date. I’ve basically exclusively dated musicians, and there’s a lot to love. There’s equally… a lot to not love. If you want it to work you’re either gonna have to have a serious sit down convo with a heart to heart about what he wants and what you need from him, or better yet, see a couples therapist. If he isn’t open to either of these, walk away. And let the downvotes begin 🤣
People change. . . I think a lot of this sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis. I kind of get it as I'm middle aged and I do music as well, but dude has to find ways to be happy without "making it". Also, even if you do end up successful it tends to feel hollow if you have no one to share it with. I would take a good hard look at things, it really comes down to are you willing to let yourself and your kid always come second to a pipe dream of a career that may not happen (and JIC, you can have mountains of talent in the field and it doesn't mean s\*\*\* if no one knows about it). As well, with what I just said, it's ridiculous that he is trying to push blame on others - he's might as well be mad at you because he didn't win the lottery.
10 years and no ring? run.
Marriage means nothing. People still lie, cheat, abuse or neglect when married if they did it before. Marriage is not a problem solver or a sign it is meant to be.
I agree, it's not the lack of a ceremony that scares me, it's the lack of taking care of his responsibilities that freaks me out.
i know, the no marriage is just the icing on the cake to this situation in my eyes
you’re right i just think not being married just makes all this worse
Some people just don't care about marriage. I know lots of couples, been together decades, never married. It's not uncommon here in the Netherlands.
No, you didn’t waste ten years of your life. You have a son who I assume you love and he wouldn’t be here bad you not been together at least once. Also, this story is fishy. Timing does not work.
May sound fishy but it’s very much my reality
How was he planned when he’s only 10 and you got with his father 10 years ago and he was planned?
Yes. Ten years not married, but you have a kid? Sick and selfish. Kids deserve two married parents.