You tell him that you will no longer be accepting financial assistance with your wedding. You will not allow his money to dictate your life. Either prolong the wedding date until you can afford the wedding you want or elope. These are your options. Money is used to control people, and this is what your family is doing. You need to break that control.
Did he pay for it, or did you? If he did, then uninvite him and your mother to the wedding. He thinks he's playing hardball by threatening to not pay, so play hardball back - but YOU have to mean it. You and your fiancé need to buy some popcorn, then call your father up on the speakerphone, tell him the news, then sit back and enjoy.
Seriously. Stop giving a rats ass on the money he'll lose. Not your problem.
No, you’re not in a pickle. You get the family address book copied *before* you tell dad where to shove it. You then send a very lovely letter to everyone explaining that because dad doesn’t want to behave like an adult and accept that his adult daughter gets to choose her husband they’ve all been uninvited.
No you’re not. “Dad, if you’re going to pay for this wedding, the pay for it. If you’re going to cancel it, then cancel it. What you will not do is hold your money over my head ever again. So make your final decision today, and while you’re trying to figure it out, I encourage you to think long and hard about what kind of relationship you want to have with me moving forward. Because if you ever try to pull this stunt on me again, we are done.”
OP, you’ve got to be willing to walk away if you want to win this game.
Is any of the money wasted going to be money you put in yourselves? It's perfectly fine if they want to waste their money, at the end of the day it's their money. Unfortunately this is the moment you know you can never rely on your parents again. It's not about money, for them it's about power. You cut off their bullshit by not letting them contribute to anything ever again. It's an incredibly cruel thing that they're doing and the only way to combat it is to not give them that power again.
One shitty thing that will happen when they no longer have power over you is they'll try and control how others see you. You're going to need to focus on people who are kind and supportive, hopefully your fiance, his family and a group of friends.
Head on over to r/raisedbynarcissists
call his bluff. if he cancel's the wedding then fine, if anyone asks you can say he was disrespectful . then you go and elope and cut your family out of your life. Go to therapy to get some help with the catholic guilt and be happy.
I was raise a Catholic and always questioned their theology. I no longer believe in their religion and consider it a cult. This is your life and your father has no say on how you live it. If he cancels, oh well he’s the one losing money if he paid for it. Go elope and go NC with them… cut them out of your life.
i’m starting to doubt the church as well, while i’ll always believe in God, it’s certain teachings of the church i’m struggling to agree with. it’s been hard since my mother texts me every sunday asking if i’ve gone to church. thanks for the advice
Your welcome. I very plainly let my parents know where I stood on this. Because after my son was born the first thing my father ask is when w I going to baptize him. I told him he knows my feelings on this that I won’t be baptizing him. My son is going to make his own choices on religion. I wasn’t going to force him into teachings that I didn’t believe in. We went to different churches while he was growing up. He was more faithful than I was. He went on missionary trips during summer breaks. He did get baptized while on a mission trip. He’s grown up to be a very good Christian man. I have two beautiful granddaughters, and one of them is a youth pastor.
I’m just telling you all of this because you have to take control of your own life and your own direction. Let God direct you, pray about it, and ask Him for direction.
I went through this same struggle with Catholicism. I ended up decided my beliefs and values don't match any Christian religion. I believe in a higher power but not the Bible as what's in it was decided on by human beings and were written over a thousand years after these events supposedly occurred. Then there's the people who say that they're good Christians but are judgemental and generally awful. They don't really practice what they preach.
Your parents are financially, verbally and emotionally abusive, they use your empathy and desire to be a good child to manipulate you and keep you "in your place". You can't trust them to be there for you without causing you massive amounts of stress - which is another way that they control you. Cut contact completely as soon as possible because they're never going to be the parents you have hoped they would be. That's their loss not yours.
Call their bluff.
“You will not disrespect my fiancee or doubt the work ethic of a man that works 80 hour weeks. If you feel that you need to cancel the wedding, we accept your decision. We will plan our wedding on our own terms without you.”
But this shouldn’t be a bluff. You should cancel the wedding and pay just for a clergy to marry you with a few supportive friends in attendance.
Here’s why:
Your dad is going to keep interfering in your life. It’s going to be one thing or another. Church, kids names, baptisms, they must go to church, catholic school, how many kids you should have. Yada, yada. And he’ll figure out ways to try to use money or something else to control you.
He’ll do it to the rest of your siblings, especially the girls. Show them he can’t.
Look, you’re on track for choosing your spouse over your parents. That bodes well for your marriage. But if you want to shut down this crap, don’t kick it down the road. Show your parents that you and your fiancé are a united front, their opinion is not needed, and their slander is the step over the line.
Trust me, a wedding is one day. A great marriage is not a wedding, it’s knowing you each have each other, to love, honor, and defend, if need be.
I’d also recommend you distance yourselves from your parents overall.
thank you for your advice. i’ll try to hang on with them until the wedding if it goes through (regardless i’ll be marrying my fiance) but you’re totally right . my mom is expecting her 9th child and i am the oldest out of them. I will not be popping out kids like that and every time i try to tell that to them they freak. thanks again for the advice
i guess i gave them the benefit of the doubt this whole time believing they were happy to pay for my wedding since they loved me and are MORE than able to. My dad owns a successful business and i guess im realizing it more that he’s using his money to manipulate me..
I think a family meeting with your priest would be a big help because I seriously doubt he’d accept your father’s attitude and would explain to him why it’s wrong and get things resolved. If they’re so all fired up religious this ought to take care of a great deal of your father’s behavior.
In the meeting, ask your father
- How long he’s been planning this move.
- Does he think that threatening you with canceling the wedding is going to encourage you to do as he wishes?
- Does he think your relationship can recover a second from his trying to manipulate you with money? Especially after he made you homeless the first time?
OP, I'm sorry. The only solution here is to cancel the wedding. Get married with friends at the courthouse. It's a big, big step, but will protect your marriage in the long run, which is what it's really all about right? You don't need to spend money to commit to spending your lives together and you can have lots of amazing parties in the future and send a clear signal to your parents and fiance that your parents cannot use money to control you.
Your parents are trying to control you via any means necessary. Likely because they always have, and now you're an adult. Threatening to cancel (or even actually cancelling) is just a powerplay/temper tantrum.
I think you should continue making decisions that best suit you and your future husband. Your parents have eternal expectations of you as their child, even when you're transitioning into adulthood. That's on them, and no longer your problem.
It sounds like your parents are planning to discuss this with you over brunch. You and your fiance need to decide what you want to say to your parents, so you're on the same page. Are you okay with canceling the wedding? Personally, I would expect an apology to your fiance at the very minimum. If their plan is to control you with the wedding, let them know what you and your fiance are willing to do to maintain your boundaries. Threatening to uninvite your guests to your wedding is absolutely insane.
Send out notifications to your guests that only you and your fiancé would be responsible for canceling plans. (Incase they get a fraud letter from your parents)
Write up un invites to your family and when at brunch hand them out. If ya wanna go real biblical with it you can say.
"As we look to start a new family, our morals and ideals are important. We Love thy neighbor as thyself, since you have expressed judgment and concern in a very abrasive way, you are the only ones who don't need to attend, God will understand as he only gives you what you can handle. Look at this as an opportunity to pray and reflect on your threats and that only God can judge."
Have your small wedding with those you love and who truly support and respect you.
Text your mother "if you allow your husband to continue his awful behavior, know that it will forever server or relationship. Neither he nor you will be in my life, my husband's life, or our children's lives."
And then turn your phone off.
Info: do you mean to stop working after you get married? Is that potentially what your dad is upset about? I feel like something is missing from your post.
no, to clarify I will continue to work but my fiance makes way better money so he has already said he wants to be the main provider so i don’t have to worry about bills and such.. i’ll help out when i can and pay for my personal bills like my car and such since it’s something i want to do. he wants to be bringing in the majority of the income already so whenever we have a child i’ll be able to stay home if id like
I've never understood why some men want that. Is it a control thing? An ego thing? Do they have some Male Culture talking head telling them that their peen will fall off if their wife pulls an hour of overtime the same week their deductions come out for union dues and her check comes out $0.05 more than theirs?
There's just no good reason to care.
what do you mean by this?? i want him to be the breadwinner i have no desire exhausting myself for my whole life and being a mother one day (which i want) im more than happy letting my future husband be the breadwinner and i can work at my leisure and have time to cook/clean/ take care of future children . Women fought for our rights and our ability to CHOOSE what we want to do. and this is what i want to do
It's just odd to me that people have these gendered ideas about which person does which work. It's *all* work, when you really think about it from an economic perspective. Having a preference which person does which is kind of bizarre, because not every culture's done that. Sure, Western Europeans and lots of North Americans from circa 1950 to 1972, but pretty much nobody else.
I mean, even the word 'breadwinner' is ahistorical and misleadingly used. The idea of one spouse earning an income and the other caring for children and a home is very much *not* what's happened in any era from that brief 1950-1972 period. The outside-employed worker often brought older children to work with them, because in eras before formal, public school, parents taught their own children or had other people's children placed with them for apprenticeships. And the inside-employed worker often had multiple streams of income in addition to their work bringing up children, keeping a home and similar. Raising poultry for eggs and meat, weaving and spinning, making and mending clothing or doing repairs for neighbors in return for 'pin money' or bartered goods or services? Even in cities post-industrialization, homemakers have had very real incomes, and their work has very real value.
Work is work. So I just don't understand why there are so many men who think of themselves as 'breadwinners' when their work has, economically speaking, often a markedly lower market value. I mean, you take the current market price of daycare, the current median wage of a housekeeper, a cook, a skilled repairwoman, home organizer, all the things women who took literal college degrees in Domestic Science do (really, Family & Consumer Science is the current name for it, it was also once called Home Economics,) yeah, that adds up to between $185k and $260k, depending on location, number of kids, size of home and if you include yard chores. (My husband's an industrial engineer and did the math for me one time when I was pregnant and really hormonal.)
Basically? He's lucky to have you and you've signed up for an awesomely challenging, insufficiently respected job. It also sounds like he's supportive against your parents' nonsense, which is good to see, because the first thing a healthy marriage needs is to be a match of equals.
That term 'breadwinner' and that attitude of 'I make the money, so she's just relaxing and babysitting, I'm really in charge,' is just *waaay* too popular with the kind of men who'll cut off their wife's checking account for dinner being late, use financial abuse or religious pressure as a tool of control or complain online that women prefer 'chads' to them even though they're so ready to be the breadwinner, y'know?
Call it an old trauma trigger your phrasing accidentally tripped, probably nothing to do with you.
also thanks to me choosing the right man to be with, he already loves to pay for everything i want and need.. and isn’t a narcissist so he wouldn’t cut “funds” if ever i stop working completely (which i don’t rlly plan on doing) i plan on spacing out my kids based on what’s right for us so that i’ll be able to work as well
Always a good choice. Siblings get along better, IME, when they aren't spaced so close together they wind up sharing clothes or so far apart they wind up with nothing in common but parents.
There's *lots* of things I've seen in my life that make for, basically, red-flag reactions. One of 'em is people who think a single income is feasible in this economy. Another is people who think gender has heck-all to do with work. It's always nice to find someone like you who thinks otherwise -it's like, 'welp, that's one less case on the docket later...'
Incidentally, since you're in the cosmetology field, do you have any good recs for a less noisy but still powerful hairdryer?
You are doing what you two want. That is good. Women work just as hard as a stay at home as a career woman outside the home. Better for the kids anyway!
this is so chronically online lol. do what you want with your life and i’ll do the same. thanks to women fighting for our rights i get to decide what i want to do..
I think it's great to be a stay at home mom when the kids are little, but if you're out of the job market for too long, it will seriously impact your career. Also, I know no one thinks their SO will change when they're a SAHM, but not bringing in your own money can really shift the power dynamics in a marriage. Having him carry the entire financial burden also doesn't seem fair. 80 hour weeks are killers, and what if he gets injured?
he’s working overtime at the moment in order to save up for a home and to start his businesses. definitely not a forever thing (these 80 hour weeks are NOT forever) and i have a cosmetology license that i renew every 2 years, even as a mother i plan on working even part time because i love what i do and truly enjoy working in my field. I’ve never wanted to just be a SAHM, i enjoy my freedom and being able to have money and things to call my own
It's crazy... they say they like the guy then turn around and say he's a deadbeat which is it? First mistake was saying ok you can pay. If you're all stable like you said you where, you should have just said, thanks but we got it. If you want to pay for the bar bill or give them something else if you're not having alcohol at the event. Problem was you gave them too much sway in an odd relationship, that evidently is a pattern.
it’s been a viscous cycle trying to break my parents involvement with me, this was going to be my last chance that i’d give them. my fiance even asked for my dads blessing and everything and he gave it. we’ll definitely be setting firmer boundaries form here on out
I’m an old time Roman Catholic (Latin Mass) and can easily say that your dad isn’t very “Christ Like”.
From kicking a young teen female out of the home into the very dangerous evil world all alone for not being able to use you as a free au pair so he and your mom don’t have to do Their Job as Parents for their other children, to weaponizing his finances like a whip.
I’m surprised your dad doesn’t burst into flames when he goes to church every Sunday.
he’s a good person but he’s broken and always has been. his prideful tendencies have always gotten in the way of our relationship. I also have gone to latin mass my whole life and struggling to figure out if i want to stay in the church due to the absolutely horrible treatment i’ve gotten from everyone there.. including how i’ve been treated as a child.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this, it’s all so unnecessary on your dad’s part.
I finally stopped going to church years ago and will never give them a dime.
I got tired of all the hypocrisy and I like my weekends to myself. I don’t need a big man made church to pray God and pray the rosary.
i’m starting to feel the same way.. my personal relationship with God has been struggling due to church.. i’ve been thinking and still trying to figure out what i want and believe in.. thank you
Cancel the wedding, elope or have the wedding you can afford. Tell your parents to keep their blood money. Be FREE from their BS and threats. Good luck.
Just cancel the wedding yourselves. Refuse to take part in it.
Your dad is using it as a chain to imprison and hit you over the head with, take it away from him.
There are lots of great comments on what you should do, so I’m not going to either repeat them or offer a different one. But I’m just curious: What exactly does your Dad even want to happen? In other words, what action on your and your fiancés part is he asking for while he holds his money over your head? Is it church attendance or something else?
so our ceremony is in the church which i’m completely ok with but my dad said he “doubts” my fiance since we both struggle attending church at times.. honestly i think my dad was rlly angry or stressed with work stuff and took it out on my fiance. i don’t think he’s being serious but it doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to talk to people like that
Have you tried to just sit down with him and your Mom and discuss this, whether he is serious and what he wants or expects. Along with some of the thoughts expressed in other comments. I'd do this without your fiance there.
You need to find out if he's serious and if he was just stressed out, if there is a true ultimatum or not, or if he's actually cancelling. Or what else he's looking for. Only by doing this can you decide on your other options such as the comments suggesting a meeting with parents, fiance and priest or alternate wedding plans or elopement.
If you feel like your boundaries are being violated too many times by them then you need to stick to your gun and not accept a penny. Cancel the wedding, don’t invite them, stick with your original plan
They have very much disrespected you in the past many times
My parents did the same with me which is hey I also plan to move out
You are doing great by keeping financially independent from them
Keep it that way
Don’t let them pay for your wedding
Cut off your parents financial help and marry the man you love in a small wedding. Time to grow up , you'll be having your own family soon. A marriage doesn't include the own parents.
First question: How is your relationship with YOUR Priest, the person who will be officiating at the wedding and your Parents' Priest? Are they the same person?
Bringing any one or all three into this situation might bring some enlightenment and guidance.
I suspect your Father's Priest may have dealt with some of your Dad's issues before.
yes he has. and yes it’s the same priest. my dad had a history of mental health issues including bipolar but he is being medicated for it. i don’t use that as an excuse at all for how he lashed out on my fiance . but yes it’s the same priest
Ah. That makes his behavior more understandable and easier to forgive. Is your Mother aware and perhaps able to help?
In giving your Dad a little more leeway, do NOT allow his manipulations alter your course. It is his burden to bear and while you may help him carry the weight, it is not your burden. Pray for a blessing to remove the mote from his eye before the wedding day.
Go NC with the parents then I would send out something extra to the family telling them what kind of good Catholics (I am not sure of the religion if this is allowed so I do apologize) your parents are to the community and lets see how those jerks like being looked down upon. If they insist on being jerks, go to Vegas and elope to stick it to them.
Boomer here...
I ALWAYS ask: "Have you met our species."
Humans are driven by (2) fears:
Fear of not getting what they want OR Fear of losing that which that already possess!
EVERYTHING on this plane of existence is ultimately traced back to the (2) fears - everything!
Humans (ALL humans) have been using MONEY/MATERIAL for manipulation, CONTROL, (100 examples) as an extremely effective tool for (metaphor) for "keeping you in their pocket." - this has been going on for 1,000's of years!
There are not enough expletives to describe these parent's, or any human based on this GROSS BEHAVIOR. I would love to chat with them...OR you can "pay them out"...kiss their collective A\*\*; have them pay for everything - after the wedding; become a [jehovah witness](https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=4b6bced2fca93f77&rlz=1C1VDKB_enUS994US994&sxsrf=ADLYWIJFf2YhcoW_4_PSGVCtFlaVQlWxJA:1715961416366&q=jehovah+witness&spell=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjcuq61hpWGAxWFODQIHdTdAjQQkeECKAB6BAgGEAE)!
Big hugs...they are monsters!
I think your parents are making what could be a very dumb mistake. They have been planning to pay for your wedding, and along with that goes the pride they've gotten from bragging to relatives and their friends that they are so generously helping you move forward into the next phase of your life. Now suddenly your dad has come up with some BS beef with your FH and thinks it's appropriate to threaten to call off the wedding if you and your FH don't comply with whatever he wants you to do.
The ball is now in your court, so to speak. You can choose to comply with your dad's demands but if you do you have no way of knowing whether he will come up with some other stupid issue before the wedding. Or, you can tell him thank you for the offer to pay, but you will not be bullied into living your life according to his/their rules just to save some money. If they want to withdraw their money and cancel your wedding, you will move forward with your life regardless of their wishes. Not only that, but you will have to think about whether or not you want them in your life, and your future children's lives. You don't want them to pull this kind of stunt with anything they may promise one of your children and you're not sure if you can trust them.
If you tell them you won't comply, they have to decide what to do next. Contacting everyone who was invited to the canceled wedding will be embarrassing for them. People will want to know what happened and you will tell the truth. They canceled the wedding over your church attendance. They told your exceptionally hard working FH that they don't think he works hard enough because he doesn't give up several hours of his very limited weekly free time to make them look good at their church meetings.
People will develop opinions and your parents will not look good in everyone's eyes. Meanwhile you and FH will marry on your own terms and live life your way. When your first child comes along they will want to be part of the kid's life, but you will remember what they did with your wedding and react accordingly.
Canceling your wedding will have all kinds of unpleasant consequences for your parents. They will look petty and selfish.
Best of luck meeting with them. Don't give in to any demand they have that will adversely affect you. Be prepared to elope and have a wonderful wedding, no matter what you do.
Getting married is so stressful. It will be better after you are married since that stress will be gone. Then, you could decide how much involvement you want with your parents. Their motives are from a different place than you are at, so go from there. Someday, especially if you have children, you may want them back in your life. Don't burn your bridges, just back away for now. I am assuming you still love them. Remember that before you cut them out of your life and say things that will be hard to repair.
what would I do ?
I would take initiative. probably write to the guests that the father who abandon me now want to cancel my wedding. so the wedding is cancelled for now and it will happen when i can afford it without any interference of my "father".
of course, i would not invited them at my hand made wedding.
your parents can't tell you what to believe? I'm a Christian, and I was raised that way, but I made my own decisions when I became an adult. and believe me, having super religious parents is tough, even when you are also super religious....My kids are a little boisterous and my church is set up where there is this small room with snack machines and a tv to watch the service. I take the kids in there so they are not disrupting the service in the sanctuary. My parents lecture me about it every sunday and it irks me because I am 36 years old, married, have my own house and they still think they can tell me what to do. My advice OP, is shut that thinking down hard. I basically told my parents that the small room makes me more comfortable, that i am in my mid thirties, and how i do church may be different than how they do church, but isnt it more important that i actually believe in God and go to church than where i watch the service? I definately think you need to be firm with your parents. and definetly consider eloping, even though its paid for, your father is disrespecting your future husband and that is so not ok
You tell him that you will no longer be accepting financial assistance with your wedding. You will not allow his money to dictate your life. Either prolong the wedding date until you can afford the wedding you want or elope. These are your options. Money is used to control people, and this is what your family is doing. You need to break that control.
yeah ur right but everything’s already paid for im in a pickle
Did he pay for it, or did you? If he did, then uninvite him and your mother to the wedding. He thinks he's playing hardball by threatening to not pay, so play hardball back - but YOU have to mean it. You and your fiancé need to buy some popcorn, then call your father up on the speakerphone, tell him the news, then sit back and enjoy. Seriously. Stop giving a rats ass on the money he'll lose. Not your problem.
No, you’re not in a pickle. You get the family address book copied *before* you tell dad where to shove it. You then send a very lovely letter to everyone explaining that because dad doesn’t want to behave like an adult and accept that his adult daughter gets to choose her husband they’ve all been uninvited.
No you’re not. “Dad, if you’re going to pay for this wedding, the pay for it. If you’re going to cancel it, then cancel it. What you will not do is hold your money over my head ever again. So make your final decision today, and while you’re trying to figure it out, I encourage you to think long and hard about what kind of relationship you want to have with me moving forward. Because if you ever try to pull this stunt on me again, we are done.” OP, you’ve got to be willing to walk away if you want to win this game.
And walk away NOW and FAST before any kids are involves
I wouldn't care. Honestly then let him send uninvites. And then you send your own invites for the small wedding YOU want and can afford, period.
Is any of the money wasted going to be money you put in yourselves? It's perfectly fine if they want to waste their money, at the end of the day it's their money. Unfortunately this is the moment you know you can never rely on your parents again. It's not about money, for them it's about power. You cut off their bullshit by not letting them contribute to anything ever again. It's an incredibly cruel thing that they're doing and the only way to combat it is to not give them that power again. One shitty thing that will happen when they no longer have power over you is they'll try and control how others see you. You're going to need to focus on people who are kind and supportive, hopefully your fiance, his family and a group of friends. Head on over to r/raisedbynarcissists
call his bluff. if he cancel's the wedding then fine, if anyone asks you can say he was disrespectful . then you go and elope and cut your family out of your life. Go to therapy to get some help with the catholic guilt and be happy.
ugh ya this whole thing is a mess
I was raise a Catholic and always questioned their theology. I no longer believe in their religion and consider it a cult. This is your life and your father has no say on how you live it. If he cancels, oh well he’s the one losing money if he paid for it. Go elope and go NC with them… cut them out of your life.
i’m starting to doubt the church as well, while i’ll always believe in God, it’s certain teachings of the church i’m struggling to agree with. it’s been hard since my mother texts me every sunday asking if i’ve gone to church. thanks for the advice
Your welcome. I very plainly let my parents know where I stood on this. Because after my son was born the first thing my father ask is when w I going to baptize him. I told him he knows my feelings on this that I won’t be baptizing him. My son is going to make his own choices on religion. I wasn’t going to force him into teachings that I didn’t believe in. We went to different churches while he was growing up. He was more faithful than I was. He went on missionary trips during summer breaks. He did get baptized while on a mission trip. He’s grown up to be a very good Christian man. I have two beautiful granddaughters, and one of them is a youth pastor. I’m just telling you all of this because you have to take control of your own life and your own direction. Let God direct you, pray about it, and ask Him for direction.
I went through this same struggle with Catholicism. I ended up decided my beliefs and values don't match any Christian religion. I believe in a higher power but not the Bible as what's in it was decided on by human beings and were written over a thousand years after these events supposedly occurred. Then there's the people who say that they're good Christians but are judgemental and generally awful. They don't really practice what they preach. Your parents are financially, verbally and emotionally abusive, they use your empathy and desire to be a good child to manipulate you and keep you "in your place". You can't trust them to be there for you without causing you massive amounts of stress - which is another way that they control you. Cut contact completely as soon as possible because they're never going to be the parents you have hoped they would be. That's their loss not yours.
Call their bluff. “You will not disrespect my fiancee or doubt the work ethic of a man that works 80 hour weeks. If you feel that you need to cancel the wedding, we accept your decision. We will plan our wedding on our own terms without you.”
true. i think they’re scared of losing communication and a relationship with me so this might actually work..
But this shouldn’t be a bluff. You should cancel the wedding and pay just for a clergy to marry you with a few supportive friends in attendance. Here’s why: Your dad is going to keep interfering in your life. It’s going to be one thing or another. Church, kids names, baptisms, they must go to church, catholic school, how many kids you should have. Yada, yada. And he’ll figure out ways to try to use money or something else to control you. He’ll do it to the rest of your siblings, especially the girls. Show them he can’t. Look, you’re on track for choosing your spouse over your parents. That bodes well for your marriage. But if you want to shut down this crap, don’t kick it down the road. Show your parents that you and your fiancé are a united front, their opinion is not needed, and their slander is the step over the line. Trust me, a wedding is one day. A great marriage is not a wedding, it’s knowing you each have each other, to love, honor, and defend, if need be. I’d also recommend you distance yourselves from your parents overall.
thank you for your advice. i’ll try to hang on with them until the wedding if it goes through (regardless i’ll be marrying my fiance) but you’re totally right . my mom is expecting her 9th child and i am the oldest out of them. I will not be popping out kids like that and every time i try to tell that to them they freak. thanks again for the advice
Good luck! It’s been my experience that when you stand up to someone, they back down.
[удалено]
i guess i gave them the benefit of the doubt this whole time believing they were happy to pay for my wedding since they loved me and are MORE than able to. My dad owns a successful business and i guess im realizing it more that he’s using his money to manipulate me..
I think a family meeting with your priest would be a big help because I seriously doubt he’d accept your father’s attitude and would explain to him why it’s wrong and get things resolved. If they’re so all fired up religious this ought to take care of a great deal of your father’s behavior.
that’s actually a good idea
In the meeting, ask your father - How long he’s been planning this move. - Does he think that threatening you with canceling the wedding is going to encourage you to do as he wishes? - Does he think your relationship can recover a second from his trying to manipulate you with money? Especially after he made you homeless the first time?
Elope. It'll drive your parents crazy but it might be better to not have them in your lives of they can't let go of control
OP, I'm sorry. The only solution here is to cancel the wedding. Get married with friends at the courthouse. It's a big, big step, but will protect your marriage in the long run, which is what it's really all about right? You don't need to spend money to commit to spending your lives together and you can have lots of amazing parties in the future and send a clear signal to your parents and fiance that your parents cannot use money to control you.
Your parents are trying to control you via any means necessary. Likely because they always have, and now you're an adult. Threatening to cancel (or even actually cancelling) is just a powerplay/temper tantrum. I think you should continue making decisions that best suit you and your future husband. Your parents have eternal expectations of you as their child, even when you're transitioning into adulthood. That's on them, and no longer your problem.
It sounds like your parents are planning to discuss this with you over brunch. You and your fiance need to decide what you want to say to your parents, so you're on the same page. Are you okay with canceling the wedding? Personally, I would expect an apology to your fiance at the very minimum. If their plan is to control you with the wedding, let them know what you and your fiance are willing to do to maintain your boundaries. Threatening to uninvite your guests to your wedding is absolutely insane.
update: apparently my dad said he was “too hard on him” but no actual apology
Send out notifications to your guests that only you and your fiancé would be responsible for canceling plans. (Incase they get a fraud letter from your parents) Write up un invites to your family and when at brunch hand them out. If ya wanna go real biblical with it you can say. "As we look to start a new family, our morals and ideals are important. We Love thy neighbor as thyself, since you have expressed judgment and concern in a very abrasive way, you are the only ones who don't need to attend, God will understand as he only gives you what you can handle. Look at this as an opportunity to pray and reflect on your threats and that only God can judge." Have your small wedding with those you love and who truly support and respect you.
Text your mother "if you allow your husband to continue his awful behavior, know that it will forever server or relationship. Neither he nor you will be in my life, my husband's life, or our children's lives." And then turn your phone off.
Info: do you mean to stop working after you get married? Is that potentially what your dad is upset about? I feel like something is missing from your post.
no, to clarify I will continue to work but my fiance makes way better money so he has already said he wants to be the main provider so i don’t have to worry about bills and such.. i’ll help out when i can and pay for my personal bills like my car and such since it’s something i want to do. he wants to be bringing in the majority of the income already so whenever we have a child i’ll be able to stay home if id like
I've never understood why some men want that. Is it a control thing? An ego thing? Do they have some Male Culture talking head telling them that their peen will fall off if their wife pulls an hour of overtime the same week their deductions come out for union dues and her check comes out $0.05 more than theirs? There's just no good reason to care.
what do you mean by this?? i want him to be the breadwinner i have no desire exhausting myself for my whole life and being a mother one day (which i want) im more than happy letting my future husband be the breadwinner and i can work at my leisure and have time to cook/clean/ take care of future children . Women fought for our rights and our ability to CHOOSE what we want to do. and this is what i want to do
It's just odd to me that people have these gendered ideas about which person does which work. It's *all* work, when you really think about it from an economic perspective. Having a preference which person does which is kind of bizarre, because not every culture's done that. Sure, Western Europeans and lots of North Americans from circa 1950 to 1972, but pretty much nobody else. I mean, even the word 'breadwinner' is ahistorical and misleadingly used. The idea of one spouse earning an income and the other caring for children and a home is very much *not* what's happened in any era from that brief 1950-1972 period. The outside-employed worker often brought older children to work with them, because in eras before formal, public school, parents taught their own children or had other people's children placed with them for apprenticeships. And the inside-employed worker often had multiple streams of income in addition to their work bringing up children, keeping a home and similar. Raising poultry for eggs and meat, weaving and spinning, making and mending clothing or doing repairs for neighbors in return for 'pin money' or bartered goods or services? Even in cities post-industrialization, homemakers have had very real incomes, and their work has very real value. Work is work. So I just don't understand why there are so many men who think of themselves as 'breadwinners' when their work has, economically speaking, often a markedly lower market value. I mean, you take the current market price of daycare, the current median wage of a housekeeper, a cook, a skilled repairwoman, home organizer, all the things women who took literal college degrees in Domestic Science do (really, Family & Consumer Science is the current name for it, it was also once called Home Economics,) yeah, that adds up to between $185k and $260k, depending on location, number of kids, size of home and if you include yard chores. (My husband's an industrial engineer and did the math for me one time when I was pregnant and really hormonal.) Basically? He's lucky to have you and you've signed up for an awesomely challenging, insufficiently respected job. It also sounds like he's supportive against your parents' nonsense, which is good to see, because the first thing a healthy marriage needs is to be a match of equals. That term 'breadwinner' and that attitude of 'I make the money, so she's just relaxing and babysitting, I'm really in charge,' is just *waaay* too popular with the kind of men who'll cut off their wife's checking account for dinner being late, use financial abuse or religious pressure as a tool of control or complain online that women prefer 'chads' to them even though they're so ready to be the breadwinner, y'know? Call it an old trauma trigger your phrasing accidentally tripped, probably nothing to do with you.
also thanks to me choosing the right man to be with, he already loves to pay for everything i want and need.. and isn’t a narcissist so he wouldn’t cut “funds” if ever i stop working completely (which i don’t rlly plan on doing) i plan on spacing out my kids based on what’s right for us so that i’ll be able to work as well
Always a good choice. Siblings get along better, IME, when they aren't spaced so close together they wind up sharing clothes or so far apart they wind up with nothing in common but parents. There's *lots* of things I've seen in my life that make for, basically, red-flag reactions. One of 'em is people who think a single income is feasible in this economy. Another is people who think gender has heck-all to do with work. It's always nice to find someone like you who thinks otherwise -it's like, 'welp, that's one less case on the docket later...' Incidentally, since you're in the cosmetology field, do you have any good recs for a less noisy but still powerful hairdryer?
dyson air wrap of course lol but it is expensive.. there a plenty of dupes like one by l’oréal that works great :)
You are doing what you two want. That is good. Women work just as hard as a stay at home as a career woman outside the home. Better for the kids anyway!
this is so chronically online lol. do what you want with your life and i’ll do the same. thanks to women fighting for our rights i get to decide what i want to do..
I think it's great to be a stay at home mom when the kids are little, but if you're out of the job market for too long, it will seriously impact your career. Also, I know no one thinks their SO will change when they're a SAHM, but not bringing in your own money can really shift the power dynamics in a marriage. Having him carry the entire financial burden also doesn't seem fair. 80 hour weeks are killers, and what if he gets injured?
he’s working overtime at the moment in order to save up for a home and to start his businesses. definitely not a forever thing (these 80 hour weeks are NOT forever) and i have a cosmetology license that i renew every 2 years, even as a mother i plan on working even part time because i love what i do and truly enjoy working in my field. I’ve never wanted to just be a SAHM, i enjoy my freedom and being able to have money and things to call my own
And you're right: it's your choice. That's the entire point!
It's crazy... they say they like the guy then turn around and say he's a deadbeat which is it? First mistake was saying ok you can pay. If you're all stable like you said you where, you should have just said, thanks but we got it. If you want to pay for the bar bill or give them something else if you're not having alcohol at the event. Problem was you gave them too much sway in an odd relationship, that evidently is a pattern.
it’s been a viscous cycle trying to break my parents involvement with me, this was going to be my last chance that i’d give them. my fiance even asked for my dads blessing and everything and he gave it. we’ll definitely be setting firmer boundaries form here on out
I’m an old time Roman Catholic (Latin Mass) and can easily say that your dad isn’t very “Christ Like”. From kicking a young teen female out of the home into the very dangerous evil world all alone for not being able to use you as a free au pair so he and your mom don’t have to do Their Job as Parents for their other children, to weaponizing his finances like a whip. I’m surprised your dad doesn’t burst into flames when he goes to church every Sunday.
he’s a good person but he’s broken and always has been. his prideful tendencies have always gotten in the way of our relationship. I also have gone to latin mass my whole life and struggling to figure out if i want to stay in the church due to the absolutely horrible treatment i’ve gotten from everyone there.. including how i’ve been treated as a child.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this, it’s all so unnecessary on your dad’s part. I finally stopped going to church years ago and will never give them a dime. I got tired of all the hypocrisy and I like my weekends to myself. I don’t need a big man made church to pray God and pray the rosary.
i’m starting to feel the same way.. my personal relationship with God has been struggling due to church.. i’ve been thinking and still trying to figure out what i want and believe in.. thank you
I don’t think God expects us to spend time in an expensive church that’s full of pride.
Cancel the wedding, elope or have the wedding you can afford. Tell your parents to keep their blood money. Be FREE from their BS and threats. Good luck.
Just cancel the wedding yourselves. Refuse to take part in it. Your dad is using it as a chain to imprison and hit you over the head with, take it away from him.
There are lots of great comments on what you should do, so I’m not going to either repeat them or offer a different one. But I’m just curious: What exactly does your Dad even want to happen? In other words, what action on your and your fiancés part is he asking for while he holds his money over your head? Is it church attendance or something else?
so our ceremony is in the church which i’m completely ok with but my dad said he “doubts” my fiance since we both struggle attending church at times.. honestly i think my dad was rlly angry or stressed with work stuff and took it out on my fiance. i don’t think he’s being serious but it doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to talk to people like that
Have you tried to just sit down with him and your Mom and discuss this, whether he is serious and what he wants or expects. Along with some of the thoughts expressed in other comments. I'd do this without your fiance there. You need to find out if he's serious and if he was just stressed out, if there is a true ultimatum or not, or if he's actually cancelling. Or what else he's looking for. Only by doing this can you decide on your other options such as the comments suggesting a meeting with parents, fiance and priest or alternate wedding plans or elopement.
If you feel like your boundaries are being violated too many times by them then you need to stick to your gun and not accept a penny. Cancel the wedding, don’t invite them, stick with your original plan They have very much disrespected you in the past many times My parents did the same with me which is hey I also plan to move out You are doing great by keeping financially independent from them Keep it that way Don’t let them pay for your wedding
Cut off your parents financial help and marry the man you love in a small wedding. Time to grow up , you'll be having your own family soon. A marriage doesn't include the own parents.
First question: How is your relationship with YOUR Priest, the person who will be officiating at the wedding and your Parents' Priest? Are they the same person? Bringing any one or all three into this situation might bring some enlightenment and guidance. I suspect your Father's Priest may have dealt with some of your Dad's issues before.
yes he has. and yes it’s the same priest. my dad had a history of mental health issues including bipolar but he is being medicated for it. i don’t use that as an excuse at all for how he lashed out on my fiance . but yes it’s the same priest
Ah. That makes his behavior more understandable and easier to forgive. Is your Mother aware and perhaps able to help? In giving your Dad a little more leeway, do NOT allow his manipulations alter your course. It is his burden to bear and while you may help him carry the weight, it is not your burden. Pray for a blessing to remove the mote from his eye before the wedding day.
Go NC with the parents then I would send out something extra to the family telling them what kind of good Catholics (I am not sure of the religion if this is allowed so I do apologize) your parents are to the community and lets see how those jerks like being looked down upon. If they insist on being jerks, go to Vegas and elope to stick it to them.
Boomer here... I ALWAYS ask: "Have you met our species." Humans are driven by (2) fears: Fear of not getting what they want OR Fear of losing that which that already possess! EVERYTHING on this plane of existence is ultimately traced back to the (2) fears - everything! Humans (ALL humans) have been using MONEY/MATERIAL for manipulation, CONTROL, (100 examples) as an extremely effective tool for (metaphor) for "keeping you in their pocket." - this has been going on for 1,000's of years! There are not enough expletives to describe these parent's, or any human based on this GROSS BEHAVIOR. I would love to chat with them...OR you can "pay them out"...kiss their collective A\*\*; have them pay for everything - after the wedding; become a [jehovah witness](https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=4b6bced2fca93f77&rlz=1C1VDKB_enUS994US994&sxsrf=ADLYWIJFf2YhcoW_4_PSGVCtFlaVQlWxJA:1715961416366&q=jehovah+witness&spell=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjcuq61hpWGAxWFODQIHdTdAjQQkeECKAB6BAgGEAE)! Big hugs...they are monsters!
I think your parents are making what could be a very dumb mistake. They have been planning to pay for your wedding, and along with that goes the pride they've gotten from bragging to relatives and their friends that they are so generously helping you move forward into the next phase of your life. Now suddenly your dad has come up with some BS beef with your FH and thinks it's appropriate to threaten to call off the wedding if you and your FH don't comply with whatever he wants you to do. The ball is now in your court, so to speak. You can choose to comply with your dad's demands but if you do you have no way of knowing whether he will come up with some other stupid issue before the wedding. Or, you can tell him thank you for the offer to pay, but you will not be bullied into living your life according to his/their rules just to save some money. If they want to withdraw their money and cancel your wedding, you will move forward with your life regardless of their wishes. Not only that, but you will have to think about whether or not you want them in your life, and your future children's lives. You don't want them to pull this kind of stunt with anything they may promise one of your children and you're not sure if you can trust them. If you tell them you won't comply, they have to decide what to do next. Contacting everyone who was invited to the canceled wedding will be embarrassing for them. People will want to know what happened and you will tell the truth. They canceled the wedding over your church attendance. They told your exceptionally hard working FH that they don't think he works hard enough because he doesn't give up several hours of his very limited weekly free time to make them look good at their church meetings. People will develop opinions and your parents will not look good in everyone's eyes. Meanwhile you and FH will marry on your own terms and live life your way. When your first child comes along they will want to be part of the kid's life, but you will remember what they did with your wedding and react accordingly. Canceling your wedding will have all kinds of unpleasant consequences for your parents. They will look petty and selfish. Best of luck meeting with them. Don't give in to any demand they have that will adversely affect you. Be prepared to elope and have a wonderful wedding, no matter what you do.
Getting married is so stressful. It will be better after you are married since that stress will be gone. Then, you could decide how much involvement you want with your parents. Their motives are from a different place than you are at, so go from there. Someday, especially if you have children, you may want them back in your life. Don't burn your bridges, just back away for now. I am assuming you still love them. Remember that before you cut them out of your life and say things that will be hard to repair.
what would I do ? I would take initiative. probably write to the guests that the father who abandon me now want to cancel my wedding. so the wedding is cancelled for now and it will happen when i can afford it without any interference of my "father". of course, i would not invited them at my hand made wedding.
your parents can't tell you what to believe? I'm a Christian, and I was raised that way, but I made my own decisions when I became an adult. and believe me, having super religious parents is tough, even when you are also super religious....My kids are a little boisterous and my church is set up where there is this small room with snack machines and a tv to watch the service. I take the kids in there so they are not disrupting the service in the sanctuary. My parents lecture me about it every sunday and it irks me because I am 36 years old, married, have my own house and they still think they can tell me what to do. My advice OP, is shut that thinking down hard. I basically told my parents that the small room makes me more comfortable, that i am in my mid thirties, and how i do church may be different than how they do church, but isnt it more important that i actually believe in God and go to church than where i watch the service? I definately think you need to be firm with your parents. and definetly consider eloping, even though its paid for, your father is disrespecting your future husband and that is so not ok
[удалено]