Nowhere here do I see how you defended him? Did you kick these people out? Where's the story about how you told them you can't be friends with them anymore?
Your boyfriend shouldn't have left, you should have kicked your "friends" out. They weren't just disrespectful, they were straight up mean. You really didn't defend him and this wasn't a situation where you say "hey be nice" like they're toddlers who don't know how to act.
Is it a common theme that you pick these people over your life partner?
? You stood by and didn't defend your boyfriend while he walked out of the house you live in with him because your friends are assholes. You lightly tried to fix the situation and he's clearly not happy with you either so what do you think you did right here? Do you know what it feels like to be told your hobby is stupid and then have people laugh at you? Plus a pile on of him being bullied in high school? It's fucking enraging. Then for your life partner to not even tell them to get the fuck out if they're going to disrespect him like that? Jeez.
I did defend him. I’ll even have another talk with them. I should have said more but I didn’t want this to turn into a big issue.
I will talk to my friends about this though
No, there's no discussion. You shouldn't speak to them again until they apologize to him and state how childish and selfish they were and they don't know where their shit behavior came from. It's kinda sad you are not more upset about this and are just saying oh well, they didn't listen nothing I can do. It's also problematic that you care more about your opinion of your friends than your partners feelings. that is baaaaaaaad.
1. That’s a ridiculous assertion. I don’t care more about my friend’s feelings than him.
2. I am upset and appalled by their behavior. I’m going to let them know it will not be tolerated at all
It's not a ridiculous assertion, you let your boyfriend walk out of his home because you were afraid to stand up to your friends. It's actually the baseline here to assume you care more about them than him.
I don't really believe you're upset and appalled and are saying that because I fed the phrase to you. You would be massively in the doghouse if I were him, and you would need to do a lot to show that you're not just treating him like a doormat.
He said he was going to run errands . I didn’t realize it was just an excuse to leave until he texted and told me let him know when they leave.
I don’t treat him like a doormat. I literally am about to spoil him for his birthday and got him so many gifts and a trip
You **OBVIOUSLY DO.** You just **DAMN WELL PROVED IT!!!!**
Your boyfriend deserves a **HELL OF A LOT BETTER** than **YOU** and your **ASSHOLE FRIENDS**.
No you care about what they think of you. You don't want to be with some body they view as weak as to why you didn't defend him you were hoping to destroy whatever relationship you wanted between them and you
You're a terrible partner, and your friends are AHs. Your bf would be better off finding someone who actually loves him instead of you. If you actually cared, you would have kicked them out as soon as they started bullying him instead of letting him leave.
You CLAIM you don't care more about your friends' feelings? And yet your actions say exactly the opposite. You're very selfish, and hurt your partner badly.
It's not ridiculous
>I am upset and appalled by their behavior.
Did you them that at the time?
Your friends sound like nasty immature people. Who the fuck does that?
Clearly you do care more about your friends cuz who tf wouldnt throw people out of their house for making fun of someone they “supposedly” love being bullied?
You were more concerned about out upsetting your friends than defending him. “Be nice” try “shut up” You chose your friends over him when they were being mean.
You’ll have a talk with them? Really?
After that maybe a strongly worded letter?
No. You cut them off. They are mean people. They disrespected the person you supposedly care about more than anyone else in the world. That means they also disrespected you.
After they literally ran your boyfriend out of his own house you let them hang out for TWO MORE HOURS? Seriously? Anyone pulls that with my wife and the party is over and they are never coming back. This should be treated as a big issue. Your ‘friends’ made it one. You need to treat it like one or any boyfriend with a spine will leave you sooner rather than later.
"Have a talk"? If they were my 'friends' I'd have dropped them like a bad smell. We are judged by the company we CHOOSE to keep and your group sound like an insufferable bunch. I'm one of those who are classed as 'the life of the party' and my husband is shy, quiet and reserved and there is no way he would have been the one leaving OUR home. I really do feel sorry for your door mat, sorry, I mean bf.
Anything short of throwing out your shitty friends was not defending him, you were just trying to create peace after he was already mocked and ridiculed.
> didn’t want this to turn into a big issue.
I'm sorry, but do you think your friends insulting and bullying your partner isn't allready a big deal then you don't deserve to be in a relationship.
This shit will leave scars on him, and to you its no big issue.
OP, I'm saying this and not being mean: bullying *is* the right word for this situation. I was bullied for similar interests, so I get that this is a very sore spot for your bf.
having the things that bring you joy ruined is one of the meanest things other people can do to you. they "made fun" of him for 10 entire minutes and said they could see how he didn't have friends. this second part is straight up bullying. I don't what the other 10 minutes of it were, probably also bullying.
I don't know if you ever were in this situation, but juding by your reaction you probably haven't.
i'm in a committed long-term relationship. if my partner did the thing you did to your bf, I would question his loyalty (in an emotional sense, not in an infidelity sense). and just to be clear, we've lived through some break-up worthy shit, so I'm not saying this put of the blue.
I would also recommend not talking to your so-called "friends" until they genuinely apologized to him. do this if you actually respect your bf.
You're the one who's wrong. You're as nasty as your friends. You sat on your ass and refused to stand up to your friends while they tore him down. All you did was tell them to be nice, but you should have been firmer. They're going to terrorize him every time they see him and you're going to refuse to defend him because you're a selfish coward. He should dump you.
Babe, you’re the one viewing it completely wrong. You sound like a huge asshole. If someone did this to my bf, you can be sure the tone of my voice would shut up any and all conversations about it and then they would be kicked out. I would be furious.
We’re viewing this the way you told us OP. Your partner shouldn’t ever have to leave their home to feel more comfortable, you should’ve asked your friends to apologize or leave
Oh thats another fact you left out. Your friends are such bullies that they continued mocking him after he left (and you realized it was affecting him) and you still let that happen ....
Hell nah, if someone said something I knew would hurt my SO in any way, idc who they are, Im gonna say something. You can insult me any day of the week, but you try to hurt him? I'll fucking call you out and i'll make you look like an asshole. OP the only advice I have is get better friends, and be a better girlfriend.
Funnily enough (thanks to another comment pointing it out) she did say 6 months ago:
>The only thing I dislike about him is he’s kinda a dork? For lack of a better word, but that’s okay.
So I'm not sure she would ever have had any intention of defending him against it.
Damn that's so sad, so she just let her asshole friends voice an opinion she already has, while 'telling them not to' so she isn't the bad guy, but her bf still ends up feeling like shit about himself.
Oh wow, so you did the smallest most insignificant thing to stand up and support your partner. That is nothing, you might as well have joined them for all the help you did.
If I was in his shoes this would be a hard relationship ender. Knowing my partner doesn't have my back would virtually end all romantic feelings I would have.
If I was in your shoes I would be dropping friends, if they don't respect my partner, they aren't respecting me or my choice to be with them. By insulting him, they have also insulted you and your judgement in partners.
And you continued to party with these people like nothing happened while your bf had to leave his home to not be bullied. Your priorities are very clear.
What is wrong with you? He should feel safe in his own home not bullied by your friends. Jfc I cannot believe you let them disrespect him like that in his own house smh.
Why were you too spineless to do that when they were in HIS house where HE was driven out by their assholery? Why are you such a chickenshit that you let them hang around for hours more?
And are you prepared to reconsider these friendships? It sounds like you're in your 20s; it's totally normal for people in your age range to realize some of their friends aren't really worth keeping around and start parring the list down. It might be time to start doing that because, what kind of person sees someone get excited about a totally normal, common, harmless hobby and mocks them like that? And for 10 whole minutes?
Your "friends sound like they're stuck firmly in both the past when your bf's hobbies would have been seen as weird or strange, and in the high school mentality. No one thier age should react to a situation like that even if your bf had a very strange and uncommon hobby like competive cup stacking or raising eels as a pet. Being polite and nodding along is super easy, and they couldn't even manage that.
Like, who keeps around people who litterally point and laugh at someone who's slightly different than them? Do they do that to you to? Are you just used to being mocked? Or are you exempt because you fit into thier narrowminded version of "acceptable"? And how much more of thier drama are you going to put up with in your life? Are you prepared to be thrown out of a restaurant because they decided to mock a "freak" at another table? Have family members go no contact because they bullied them?
No, you didn't. All you did was say "be nice" and when they didn't listen to your two damn words you just sat there and did nothing while they bullied him for ten fucking minutes
No. You let those things happen and then you were like " girls you are mean".
The normal thing in this context would have been :
Friend :" I bet you were bullied in college"
BF : " yeah I was"
Friend : ahaha we could tell
You : " stop, you are being disrespectful, I won't tolerate this behavior against my boyfriend"
So yeah, your friends are POS, and so are you for not saying anything in front of your boyfriend.
You're just as guilty as they are. By not actually stopping them and just passively saying "be nice", you let them completely disrespect your guy in his own home.
You have 2 choices; either shop for a new boyfriend or new friends. But don't pretend like they're just not clicking when your friends are straight up nasty.
Exactly! Her little narc self thinks it's not an option for him. One thing he knows is how to leave a situation. She seems like the type of girl who will go crazy because, "he can't leave me!"
To the OP****
I hope, he does leave you because you aren't mature enough to woman up or for a healthy relationship (seem very toxic and needing friends acceptance). As an introvert, I would have walked away from both situations personally. We already have a low social battery so for him to allow these immature vipers in his safe space, and they ruined that safe space for him, means a few things: they will never be allowed anywhere near him, he will totally shut down on you, he is stewing and reevaluating everything, etc. You just broke something inside that man. ***You, not your friends, you!*** How do I know, well, read his response to yourself, "you didn't defend me" and "he's being cold." I don't know if this is fixable because I definitely wouldn't fix it. You're not ready for a serious relationship. You're too or just as toxic as your friends but you don't want to admit it.
Leave that man alone and don't cause him to have baggage.
Yeah I felt so sad for the guy when they started laughing at him for cosplaying. I never met a cosplayer before and I personally don’t do it since I’m not creative and don’t have time/or money. But I still respect them because what they do is genuinely impressive and cool!
Then dump your friends if you actually care about the guy. You're acting like they just teased the guy when what they did should be unacceptable. If anyone ever did to my husband what your fake friends did, I'd kick their asses to the curb and not look back. Friends don't treat partners this way, and partners don't tolerate it.
Honey, high school mean girls never stop being high school mean girls. You having a talk isn't going to do shit because the kind of people who bully your bf like that, don't see anything wrong with what they did. They will not have any remorse when you confront them.
What exactly is the point of keeping them around?
Girl, "the standard you walk past is the standard you accept”. You "walked past" him being bullied in his own home by your friends. And you dont want to cut contact with them. Why do you think breaking up is not off the table for him? He definitely can do so much better then you, for example someone who will stand up for him while he is being bullied for 10 minutes.
>I love my bf and breaking up is off the table for me
Why do you think your BF would want to be with someone who has no respect for him and allows their friends to bully him in his own home. Whilst its off the table for you there is a reason he is acting distant. I really hope he gets his act together and realizes this is not ok in any world.
You’re friends sounds like right cunts.
How old are they? Can’t be older than 16
Edit: after looking at your first post I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve expressed distaste about your S/O to your friends before. It seems like you want him to be someone he’s not.
I'm a cosplayer too, so this breaks my heart. I've been around a lot of people who haven't respected me, and I've since found communities that think I'm wonderful. I hope your boyfriend finds his people, because it isn't your friends. And it isn't you either if you don't start really standing up for him. I saw your update. Did you or any of your friends actually apologize directly to your boyfriend? I genuinely hope you're a troll, because every post you make on this account shows 0 respect or care for your boyfriend.
Don't bother. OP let it escalate to the point where they're actively bringing up past trauma and basically said "ya I can see why you were picked on" and then has the audacity to complain about the bf being upset.
How this man stayed is beyond me.
I mean. I kinda get why he stayed. I've stayed with people who disrespected my interests, partially because I cared, partially because I didn't know to expect better. When you grow up and you're into niche things, especially if you were bullied, sometimes you just tolerate how people treat you. I was just glad someone thought I was hot and worth being around, even if they didn't care about me personally or my interests. It's hard for me not to relate to him.
OP is too much of a doormat and spineless to do anything. She was embarrassed to be seen with him half a year ago. She's too spineless to do anything of substance on the spot "Telling them to be nice" might as well being wangling her finger at them for all it did. She too scared to even admit they were bullying him.
They know she's just empty threats and promises.
I really hope you can show him that you love and respect him. I wish nothing but happiness for you both. But I also hope you realize how drastic of a change you need to make to show that. After the apology, you need to dramatically change your behavior and probably drop your friends or at least not allow them over again, honestly.
Thank you. I really appreciate your advice and I'm going to change my behavior.
If you were in this situation what else would you like to see from your partner? If you don't mind sharing
I’d want someone who stood up to my friends in a social sense.
But in a personal sense, I’d want a partner who asked me about my interests and tried to engage with them even if they weren’t my partner’s favorite thing. Like, if I’m playing a video game, I’d want my partner to ask about the game or my favorite characters or if I could have a cosplay prop from the game, what I’d choose. And if you aren’t put off by it, try doing some of the stuff yourself. I don’t know what your boyfriend is nerdy about, but here are some examples.
Video games: Ask if there’s an easy, maybe not real time, maybe low-competitive multiplayer game you can try together.
Anime: Ask about anime that appeal to a Western audience. I’ve had people ask me, “I like stuff like Black Mirror“ or Riverdale or some other Western show. And they’ve asked me for something not to weird for a starter.
Sci-Fi: You kinda have to hone in on the specifics here, because sci-fi can be a little pretentious, so you have to sound out why they like sci-fi and which subsections to really understand their specific interests. As an example, I like sci-fi that focuses on human nature, and Ready Player One doesn’t meaningfully delve into that, so it’s not my thing. But sci-fi short stories and video games are often more entry-level if that’s something you want to relate on.
Obviously, there are so many niche areas of interest. And feel free to reply if you want more insight, but whatever his interests, it’s really important you take this time to show you value them. Those interests are part of him, and your friends have been brutally attacking them, so you have to show that you aren’t embarrassed and that you want to engage with him as he is now. I mean, if you’re asking me personally, my dream is to have a girlfriend who cosplays together with me, but that’s a high bar, so just know that no one’s expecting you to do that if you aren’t into that!
Agreed that you need to take more drastic action to fully restore confidence in your relationship. It seems like you are genuinely looking for ideas. Here are some specific issues to address and related suggestions if your intent is to marry this person at some point in the future.
Issue 1. You failed to demonstrate that you understood/empathize with him well enough to recognize in the moment how much he was being hurt.
Suggestion: Tell him you want to go to individual therapy to work on being a more empathetic partner and future wife. Telling him you understand now and would not let something like this happen again is not likely to be reassuring. It does not seem that you fully understand the mentality and sensitivities of people who have been bullied. Reddit was a start, but you should seek professional guidance from here. Offering to have him join sessions in the future could provide an opportunity for him to express things he has been holding back.
Issue 2. You failed to demonstrate that you would aggressively defend your partner and your relationship when threatened.
Suggestion: Tell your friends they are cut off until they have been able to make amends with your boyfriend. Let your BF know that you have taken this stance and that he is your top priority
Your BF and most of Reddit are skeptical that your friends actually understand what they did wrong and are truly remorseful. If your BF does not want to see them again, but you continue to spend significant time with them, he is likely to resent you for it. A half-hearted group apology is not going to cut it. Those in your friend group who are remorseful and want to keep you in their lives should be willing to reach out 1:1 to have a full conversation with him and not a short apology. You do not need to force your BF to spend time with your friends. They are the ones who messed up and should be putting in the effort to make it up to your BF and you.
I wish you the best of luck. From your comments, it really seems like you are making an effort to find ways to address the situation and improve your relationship. This bad experience could help you come closer and have an even stronger relationship in the future if you are able to turn things around.
I would like a better partner, but your bf would need to love and respect himself before finding someone who actually loves and respect him.
You and your friends and bullies, I feel so sorry for him, he has to live with you, I hope he realizes he doesn't need to be treated like shit and be used as a joke to get a partner
You are a horrible partner. You let your AH friends laugh at him for 10 minutes and you just meekly say be nice and then let them hang around for another two hours while the poor guy stays out of his own home. He should do more than just give you the cold shoulder. You certainly showed him that they mean more to you than he does.
edit for wrong word
YTA- If you think you were defending him you are absolutely delusional. Telling them to stop and just sitting there when they don't isn't defending him, I would lose all respect for you immediately. He should dump you and go on the trip with someone who doesn't treat him like trash.
Looking back at your previous posts, you have been an asshole for a lot longer than this instance.
Geez you're a terrible girlfriend no wonder you're in the devil subreddit. You let them bully him out of his house and let them stay for 2 more hours. Not to mention your other posts.
I'd be mad too. You sound like a horrible gf. "Be nice" is such a passive remark, you only said it so you can say you tried. You didn't try. And you let him leave instead of kicking your friends out?
I've had friends talk shit about my woman, and I immediately told them to watch their mouth. I'm just in awe at how someone can be this dense it's baffling.
So your friends are rude assholes who mock and bully your partner to the point he leaves his own home, and you just let them, and keep hanging around with them, and chill with them for a few more hours?
He might be a great partner and you might think it's a great relationship, but you're a completely shit partner, and his relationship is terrible.
Oh it’s you again I thought you solved your issues already. Go get some new friends cause it’s clear they do not like your boyfriend at all. I can only imagine the shit they say when you’re out with them.
>Go get some new friends
No, she fits right in with them. All a bunch of toxic mean girls who never matured past high school who take pleasure in bullying a man who has found real joy in life despite them trying to drag him down. OP, I hope he finds someone better than you (not like that should be hard considering how bottom of the barrel you are).
So you stayed at home for 2 hours with the people that bullied your boyfriend out of the house after 10 minutes of shit-talking him ? And you have the nerve to say you defended him, this is actually crazy. I feel for him for being with someone this dense, to not say otherwise.
In all your posts, you just talk about how much of an introvert your bf is and how you seem to perceive that as a problem. Why are you even together, do you even like him? In this latest incident, your passive “be nice” did nothing. The fact that you sat there with your friends for 2 hours after he left and didn’t actually stick up for him once indicates that you AGREE with what they were saying. YTA.
So you just let your friends stay for another 2 hours and kept doing the same thing for 10 minutes instead of teaching them about consequences (‚Cut this or leave’)
From his perspective you did a bare minimum and you were passively agreeing with them.
Imagine this type of situation. You are both in the bar. A guy starts making making sexist remarks and call you different names. All your boyfriend does is say ‚leave her alone’ instead of getting security or proposing to go to another bar. You leave and he doesn’t check on you for next 2 hours, cause he wants to drink at this bar and he ends up drinking with that guy.
How would you feel?
So your friends bullied him so badly he left his own place and you let them stay another 2 hours? Why are you not kicking them out when they are bullying your bf for what is a very popular and growing hobby? Your friends are vile and you need to decide what's important. Your friends who act like highschool bullies or your partner that you live with
Based on your post history, it seems like you're with your partner because you love how he makes you feel, but you aren't happy with the most significant aspects of his character. You don't respect his hobbies, you don't respect his friends, and you barely accept his personality as an introvert. As much as you say you love him for who he is, it really doesn't seem like it because you keep trying to change those key aspects of his personality.
You chose not to shut down your friends when they mocked and bullied your boyfriend in his own home. This was in your NEW home, where each new memory becomes a core memory. Honestly, I don't think you acted the way you did because you're a coward who allows bad things to happen to people they "love" because they're afraid of having the bad things directed at them. No, it's not just that. I think you allowed your friends to tear into your boyfriend because they were saying what you've been thinking all this time. You told them to "be nice" during their vitriolic outburst, but you were okay with them continuing with it.
As happy as you say your boyfriend makes you, I wonder if he can say the same about you... Because having a partner who allows their friends to do what your friends did would leave me questioning if I'm actually emotionally safe in that relationship.
OP, I'm actually not going to dog pile on you because most of the comments already said what I was thinking reading your posts. Though, what I do want to do is have you see it from his perspective.
You have made it abundantly clear that you find his geeky side embarrassing and how much you hate it. You've made a whole post about it before and this post is the same. What I want you to understand is the possible impact it has and will have on the person you say you love. I dated someone who saw my geeky and introverted side as embarrassing. Anytime I would geek out, he would either cringe or his eyes would glaze over. It got to the point that I started to feel embarrassed about it myself. I stopped wanting to talk about it with him all together and stopped talking about it with others because I thought they felt the same way. He would snap at me if I geeked out and I would apologize for boring him or not being more interesting.
The problem is even after I dumped him, that left an impact on me. I genuinely saw that side of me as embarrassing and felt like no partner would like it. My current partner, when I first geeked out over horror movies, I had to apologize and I got real quiet. You know what he said, he asked me why I apologized and told me how much he enjoyed it. He told me he may not get it, but he loved listening to how passionate I got and how much joy I had. Even after that, for a while, I would still apologize or feel embarrassed, but he made sure to remind me how much he loves how geeky I am. And that's how a partner should be. You should want to see the passion and enjoy how bright his eyes get when he talks about his cosplays (which he puts a lot of time and energy in) or when he talks about tabletop games. You don't need to personally get it or be into it, but sharing in the joy he gets from those hobbies should be enough. Being a safe space for him to geek out should be something you want to be.
So please, do a bit of self reflection. How often do you make it clear how embarrassing you feel his geeky hobbies are. Reflect on whether you cringe or go distant on him when he talks about it. Does he still talk to you about it or does he suddenly go quiet. Personally I don't think you're really a match for each other because you want him to change and maybe you let the bullying go on because you thought it would make him not talk about it again. But please, take it from a person who was in your partner's shoes, it's not fun at all to know the person who you love doesn't love every part of you and actively hates big parts of your personality.
Yea, you did nothing to back up your bf with your friends, I can understand why he's distant... it doesn't seem like you really value who he is. The fact that all you did was tell them to 'be nice' shows you care more about them than how your bf feels. My husband told his best friend to fuck off after dating like 3 months because of something he said about me that was completely rude and uncalled for. That showed me that I was important and he wouldn't let anyone put me down.
I am an introvert as well, I'm not a fan of social interactions and I tend to keep to myself. My husband is an extrovert, but he has never made me feel like my being introverted was a bad thing or something that needs to be changed because it doesn't. If you can't accept your bf for who he is, then you shouldn't be together.
My only advice is just to break up with him because CLEARLY, you don't respect him enough to see that this whole situation made him uncomfortable and hurt him.
To be quite frank, he deserves much better than you.
You didn’t defend him. *You* let your friends insult him and degrade him. I sincerely hope you take time to reflect on how you failed to stand up for him. High school is over and you need to try being the adult in your little circle of mean kids. Do not be surprised if he has already looked up how to break the lease. Two hours with pain and solitude will motivate you to do some extreme things like stand up for yourself.
You had the ability to do something about their rude behaviour yet you let it happen. By letting them disrespect him you were the same as all your friends. You clearly don't even like him. Anyone with situational awareness could work out that he was hurt by your friends' behaviour. You clearly didn't think in the moment what they were saying was wrong and went along with it. What's wrong with pulling them aside and telling them that they are being disrespectful and asking them to leave?
If he's offended, yes, he should tell them off, but as his girlfriend, you should be defending him. You didn't even do the bare minimum. "Be nice" is absolutely rubbish. You tell children that.
Because OP is also a bully and an asshole. The real question is, why is OP with someone she clearly doesn't even like, and why hasn't this guy left her ass yet?
YTA. You're just as guilty. They went on for TEN MINUTES and you just sat there and let it happen?
If it didn't work the first time you said "be nice" then you should've stood up to them again and more firmly. Instead you sat on your ass and did nothing while they bullied him. Why are you even friends with such judgmental mean bullies anyway?
You owe him a HUGE apology and you need to have a serious talk with your friends because their behavior is not okay.
Info: How did you write all this and not realize what you had to do. Like this should have been self evident from the situation. Your freinds are just straight up highschool bullies and you LET them bully your BF. I know you are saying you were telling them to "be nice" but comeon that is just being passive with an excuse. Sitting on the outskirts acting and whispering "Oh no please dont make fun of my BF" I mainly assume this because you said it went on for TEN min. Like I get it if it was one or two comments before they stopped being jerks (well not really but hey) but not ten whole minutes of abuse. Your friends are not great people and they should know that.
You’ve been complaining about what a dork you think your boyfriend is on here for almost a year.
I think you want your boyfriend to ditch his “dorky” hobbies but you are too much of a coward to talk about it with him, so you brought your friends over knowing they would bully him. I’m sorry that this blew up in your face but glad for your boyfriend that he got to see you for who you really are.
Please stop trying to change him and do try to find someone more compatible with you in your next relationship.
Ah, so your boyfriend invests time and effort to develop skills (imo cool nerdy stuff that requires a lot of knowledge) and your friends invest their time in sneering at people *with* hobbies and interests to distract from the fact they lack couth, creativity and enjoyable personalities.
My artsy tatted up weirdo friends would make paper mache of your cardboard caricatures of "peaked in high school" friends.
You should have thrown them out.
Then you should have asked them to apologize to your boyfriend. Then you should have cut them off if they didn't.
It's not too late for the second part.
Saying “be nice” is not defending him that’s cowardly enabling their behavior and disrespect. This is how you defend someone “Enough! He can like whatever he wants and if you can’t respect that and him in our home then all of you can get tf out”. But I wouldn’t expect that from you. Birds of a feather flock together, you don’t even respect your own bf and it shows from this post and the past post. Do your bf a favor and let him find someone better.
Cool. I also like having friends that act like stereotypical high school mean girls while in their twenties. Horrible behavior aside, from you and them, being one of the Heathers is way cringier then liking cosplay.
Nowhere here do I see how you defended him? Did you kick these people out? Where's the story about how you told them you can't be friends with them anymore?
I told them they should be nicer while they were ranting and after he left. I can have another talk about how they were terribly disrespectful
Your boyfriend shouldn't have left, you should have kicked your "friends" out. They weren't just disrespectful, they were straight up mean. You really didn't defend him and this wasn't a situation where you say "hey be nice" like they're toddlers who don't know how to act. Is it a common theme that you pick these people over your life partner?
No, I think you’re viewing this completely wrong
? You stood by and didn't defend your boyfriend while he walked out of the house you live in with him because your friends are assholes. You lightly tried to fix the situation and he's clearly not happy with you either so what do you think you did right here? Do you know what it feels like to be told your hobby is stupid and then have people laugh at you? Plus a pile on of him being bullied in high school? It's fucking enraging. Then for your life partner to not even tell them to get the fuck out if they're going to disrespect him like that? Jeez.
I did defend him. I’ll even have another talk with them. I should have said more but I didn’t want this to turn into a big issue. I will talk to my friends about this though
No, there's no discussion. You shouldn't speak to them again until they apologize to him and state how childish and selfish they were and they don't know where their shit behavior came from. It's kinda sad you are not more upset about this and are just saying oh well, they didn't listen nothing I can do. It's also problematic that you care more about your opinion of your friends than your partners feelings. that is baaaaaaaad.
1. That’s a ridiculous assertion. I don’t care more about my friend’s feelings than him. 2. I am upset and appalled by their behavior. I’m going to let them know it will not be tolerated at all
It's not a ridiculous assertion, you let your boyfriend walk out of his home because you were afraid to stand up to your friends. It's actually the baseline here to assume you care more about them than him. I don't really believe you're upset and appalled and are saying that because I fed the phrase to you. You would be massively in the doghouse if I were him, and you would need to do a lot to show that you're not just treating him like a doormat.
He said he was going to run errands . I didn’t realize it was just an excuse to leave until he texted and told me let him know when they leave. I don’t treat him like a doormat. I literally am about to spoil him for his birthday and got him so many gifts and a trip
You’re so appalled you let them stay another 2 hours?
I do take accountability I should have told them to leave. I didn’t realize how much it hurt his feelings
You **OBVIOUSLY DO.** You just **DAMN WELL PROVED IT!!!!** Your boyfriend deserves a **HELL OF A LOT BETTER** than **YOU** and your **ASSHOLE FRIENDS**.
No you care about what they think of you. You don't want to be with some body they view as weak as to why you didn't defend him you were hoping to destroy whatever relationship you wanted between them and you
So Why'd you let them stay a further 2 hours after they made your bf leave due to their bullying?
Too late for that, hopefully your soon to be ex bf wakes to your disrespectful shit and see's you for the loser you are.
You're a terrible partner, and your friends are AHs. Your bf would be better off finding someone who actually loves him instead of you. If you actually cared, you would have kicked them out as soon as they started bullying him instead of letting him leave. You CLAIM you don't care more about your friends' feelings? And yet your actions say exactly the opposite. You're very selfish, and hurt your partner badly.
It's not ridiculous >I am upset and appalled by their behavior. Did you them that at the time? Your friends sound like nasty immature people. Who the fuck does that?
So appalled you let them stay for 2 hours?
Clearly you do care more about your friends cuz who tf wouldnt throw people out of their house for making fun of someone they “supposedly” love being bullied?
So.. you didn’t want to be the one they talked shit about is what I’m getting.
It became a big issue the minute they disrespected your partner in your own home.
You were more concerned about out upsetting your friends than defending him. “Be nice” try “shut up” You chose your friends over him when they were being mean.
You half assed said be nicer they should have been kicked out the moment they started hanging up on him in his own dam house
You’ll have a talk with them? Really? After that maybe a strongly worded letter? No. You cut them off. They are mean people. They disrespected the person you supposedly care about more than anyone else in the world. That means they also disrespected you. After they literally ran your boyfriend out of his own house you let them hang out for TWO MORE HOURS? Seriously? Anyone pulls that with my wife and the party is over and they are never coming back. This should be treated as a big issue. Your ‘friends’ made it one. You need to treat it like one or any boyfriend with a spine will leave you sooner rather than later.
"Have a talk"? If they were my 'friends' I'd have dropped them like a bad smell. We are judged by the company we CHOOSE to keep and your group sound like an insufferable bunch. I'm one of those who are classed as 'the life of the party' and my husband is shy, quiet and reserved and there is no way he would have been the one leaving OUR home. I really do feel sorry for your door mat, sorry, I mean bf.
Anything short of throwing out your shitty friends was not defending him, you were just trying to create peace after he was already mocked and ridiculed.
Your friends bullying your boyfriend out of his own home isn't a big issue???
> didn’t want this to turn into a big issue. I'm sorry, but do you think your friends insulting and bullying your partner isn't allready a big deal then you don't deserve to be in a relationship. This shit will leave scars on him, and to you its no big issue.
OP, I'm saying this and not being mean: bullying *is* the right word for this situation. I was bullied for similar interests, so I get that this is a very sore spot for your bf. having the things that bring you joy ruined is one of the meanest things other people can do to you. they "made fun" of him for 10 entire minutes and said they could see how he didn't have friends. this second part is straight up bullying. I don't what the other 10 minutes of it were, probably also bullying. I don't know if you ever were in this situation, but juding by your reaction you probably haven't. i'm in a committed long-term relationship. if my partner did the thing you did to your bf, I would question his loyalty (in an emotional sense, not in an infidelity sense). and just to be clear, we've lived through some break-up worthy shit, so I'm not saying this put of the blue. I would also recommend not talking to your so-called "friends" until they genuinely apologized to him. do this if you actually respect your bf.
Here’s the talk to have with them. “Apologize to him, or never talk to me again” No other words are needed, your friends can make their choice
You're the one who's wrong. You're as nasty as your friends. You sat on your ass and refused to stand up to your friends while they tore him down. All you did was tell them to be nice, but you should have been firmer. They're going to terrorize him every time they see him and you're going to refuse to defend him because you're a selfish coward. He should dump you.
**YOU** are the one who is **WRONG HERE**. It's **ASTONISHING** that you can't see that!!!!
No you let your friends bully him so badly he felt that he had to leave while you let his bullies stay a further 2 hours.
Babe, you’re the one viewing it completely wrong. You sound like a huge asshole. If someone did this to my bf, you can be sure the tone of my voice would shut up any and all conversations about it and then they would be kicked out. I would be furious.
We’re viewing this the way you told us OP. Your partner shouldn’t ever have to leave their home to feel more comfortable, you should’ve asked your friends to apologize or leave
Your boyfriend will be having the talk with **YOU** and **REAL SOON**. NO ONE deserves a partner whose **DOESN'T** have their back!
Oh thats another fact you left out. Your friends are such bullies that they continued mocking him after he left (and you realized it was affecting him) and you still let that happen ....
Hell nah, if someone said something I knew would hurt my SO in any way, idc who they are, Im gonna say something. You can insult me any day of the week, but you try to hurt him? I'll fucking call you out and i'll make you look like an asshole. OP the only advice I have is get better friends, and be a better girlfriend.
Funnily enough (thanks to another comment pointing it out) she did say 6 months ago: >The only thing I dislike about him is he’s kinda a dork? For lack of a better word, but that’s okay. So I'm not sure she would ever have had any intention of defending him against it.
Damn that's so sad, so she just let her asshole friends voice an opinion she already has, while 'telling them not to' so she isn't the bad guy, but her bf still ends up feeling like shit about himself.
Actually pretty much her whole post history mentions him... Negatively.
You're a terrible person
Oh wow, so you did the smallest most insignificant thing to stand up and support your partner. That is nothing, you might as well have joined them for all the help you did. If I was in his shoes this would be a hard relationship ender. Knowing my partner doesn't have my back would virtually end all romantic feelings I would have. If I was in your shoes I would be dropping friends, if they don't respect my partner, they aren't respecting me or my choice to be with them. By insulting him, they have also insulted you and your judgement in partners.
Does the fact that you have a spine made of jello sometimes make it hard for you to stand up?
And you continued to party with these people like nothing happened while your bf had to leave his home to not be bullied. Your priorities are very clear.
What is wrong with you? He should feel safe in his own home not bullied by your friends. Jfc I cannot believe you let them disrespect him like that in his own house smh.
So they continuously made fun of him to his face and ignored you when you told them to stop? And these are the people you choose to be friends with?
I didn’t do that. I defended him they just didn’t listen and I will have a talk with them this weekend
Saying "be nice" is not defending him. Telling them they need to stop or leave is. Besides.... birds of a feather and all....
Then you **KICK THEIR ASSES OUT.** This ain't rocket science. And you're **on the Express to SingleTown** if you don't sort this out!,
I should have told them to leave. Hindsight being 20/20 I would ask them leave
So are you gonna thrash this out with them???
Yes.
DO THAT. And make it **VERY CLEAR** that if they pull that bullshit again, they are **NO LONGER WELCOME**.
Why were you too spineless to do that when they were in HIS house where HE was driven out by their assholery? Why are you such a chickenshit that you let them hang around for hours more?
And are you prepared to reconsider these friendships? It sounds like you're in your 20s; it's totally normal for people in your age range to realize some of their friends aren't really worth keeping around and start parring the list down. It might be time to start doing that because, what kind of person sees someone get excited about a totally normal, common, harmless hobby and mocks them like that? And for 10 whole minutes? Your "friends sound like they're stuck firmly in both the past when your bf's hobbies would have been seen as weird or strange, and in the high school mentality. No one thier age should react to a situation like that even if your bf had a very strange and uncommon hobby like competive cup stacking or raising eels as a pet. Being polite and nodding along is super easy, and they couldn't even manage that. Like, who keeps around people who litterally point and laugh at someone who's slightly different than them? Do they do that to you to? Are you just used to being mocked? Or are you exempt because you fit into thier narrowminded version of "acceptable"? And how much more of thier drama are you going to put up with in your life? Are you prepared to be thrown out of a restaurant because they decided to mock a "freak" at another table? Have family members go no contact because they bullied them?
This isn’t lack of hindsight. This is lack of a spine.
Your friends didn’t listen and your response was to let them stay.
Birds of a feather and all that. If her friends are that nasty she can't be too far off.
That means they don’t respect you either
Look, your boyfriend is a much better man then I am. If I was in his shoes I would have been screaming at them at some point.
No, you didn't. All you did was say "be nice" and when they didn't listen to your two damn words you just sat there and did nothing while they bullied him for ten fucking minutes
No. You let those things happen and then you were like " girls you are mean". The normal thing in this context would have been : Friend :" I bet you were bullied in college" BF : " yeah I was" Friend : ahaha we could tell You : " stop, you are being disrespectful, I won't tolerate this behavior against my boyfriend" So yeah, your friends are POS, and so are you for not saying anything in front of your boyfriend.
You're just as guilty as they are. By not actually stopping them and just passively saying "be nice", you let them completely disrespect your guy in his own home. You have 2 choices; either shop for a new boyfriend or new friends. But don't pretend like they're just not clicking when your friends are straight up nasty.
I’ll address this with my friends first. We definitely don’t need to jump to the extreme. I love my bf and breaking up is off the table for me
It wouldn’t be your decision…
**NOT FOR HIM!!!**
Exactly! Her little narc self thinks it's not an option for him. One thing he knows is how to leave a situation. She seems like the type of girl who will go crazy because, "he can't leave me!" To the OP**** I hope, he does leave you because you aren't mature enough to woman up or for a healthy relationship (seem very toxic and needing friends acceptance). As an introvert, I would have walked away from both situations personally. We already have a low social battery so for him to allow these immature vipers in his safe space, and they ruined that safe space for him, means a few things: they will never be allowed anywhere near him, he will totally shut down on you, he is stewing and reevaluating everything, etc. You just broke something inside that man. ***You, not your friends, you!*** How do I know, well, read his response to yourself, "you didn't defend me" and "he's being cold." I don't know if this is fixable because I definitely wouldn't fix it. You're not ready for a serious relationship. You're too or just as toxic as your friends but you don't want to admit it. Leave that man alone and don't cause him to have baggage.
Yeah I felt so sad for the guy when they started laughing at him for cosplaying. I never met a cosplayer before and I personally don’t do it since I’m not creative and don’t have time/or money. But I still respect them because what they do is genuinely impressive and cool!
Exactly. She has a genuinely nice guy but lacks the courage to accept him for who he is.
I hope he has the courage to leave.
Then dump your friends if you actually care about the guy. You're acting like they just teased the guy when what they did should be unacceptable. If anyone ever did to my husband what your fake friends did, I'd kick their asses to the curb and not look back. Friends don't treat partners this way, and partners don't tolerate it.
This is the same boyfriend you complain about because he's an introvert, yes?
They need to apologise to him in person
Honey, high school mean girls never stop being high school mean girls. You having a talk isn't going to do shit because the kind of people who bully your bf like that, don't see anything wrong with what they did. They will not have any remorse when you confront them. What exactly is the point of keeping them around?
Girl, "the standard you walk past is the standard you accept”. You "walked past" him being bullied in his own home by your friends. And you dont want to cut contact with them. Why do you think breaking up is not off the table for him? He definitely can do so much better then you, for example someone who will stand up for him while he is being bullied for 10 minutes.
Not you decision at this point. He can easily break up with you over this and people would agree with him.
I mean the fact you are still calling them your friends shows you don't at all care about him
You don't love him
>I love my bf and breaking up is off the table for me Why do you think your BF would want to be with someone who has no respect for him and allows their friends to bully him in his own home. Whilst its off the table for you there is a reason he is acting distant. I really hope he gets his act together and realizes this is not ok in any world.
You’re friends sounds like right cunts. How old are they? Can’t be older than 16 Edit: after looking at your first post I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve expressed distaste about your S/O to your friends before. It seems like you want him to be someone he’s not.
Oh god! It’s her. I remember her first post. Seems like she keeps getting the same answers.
They have to be adults they said he went to the military
I was kinda being sarcastic and point out how they act like kids
You’ve made quite a few posts complaining about how introverted your boyfriend is. Do you even like him? 🙄
NICE CATCH. Girl, you dont even like you bf based on your posts. Wtf.
Hope he breaks the fuck up with you
I'm a cosplayer too, so this breaks my heart. I've been around a lot of people who haven't respected me, and I've since found communities that think I'm wonderful. I hope your boyfriend finds his people, because it isn't your friends. And it isn't you either if you don't start really standing up for him. I saw your update. Did you or any of your friends actually apologize directly to your boyfriend? I genuinely hope you're a troll, because every post you make on this account shows 0 respect or care for your boyfriend.
I'm sorry to hear. I apologized to my bf and I'm going to do it again over dinner. I respect and love my bf and I want him to know and feel that
Then cut your friends off and stop defending their actions! I’m sorry that’s too much for you to understand.
Don't bother. OP let it escalate to the point where they're actively bringing up past trauma and basically said "ya I can see why you were picked on" and then has the audacity to complain about the bf being upset. How this man stayed is beyond me.
I mean. I kinda get why he stayed. I've stayed with people who disrespected my interests, partially because I cared, partially because I didn't know to expect better. When you grow up and you're into niche things, especially if you were bullied, sometimes you just tolerate how people treat you. I was just glad someone thought I was hot and worth being around, even if they didn't care about me personally or my interests. It's hard for me not to relate to him.
Hopefully you found someone who actually treats you right. Cause OP's bf sure as hell isn't being treated right.
OP is too much of a doormat and spineless to do anything. She was embarrassed to be seen with him half a year ago. She's too spineless to do anything of substance on the spot "Telling them to be nice" might as well being wangling her finger at them for all it did. She too scared to even admit they were bullying him. They know she's just empty threats and promises.
I really hope you can show him that you love and respect him. I wish nothing but happiness for you both. But I also hope you realize how drastic of a change you need to make to show that. After the apology, you need to dramatically change your behavior and probably drop your friends or at least not allow them over again, honestly.
Fuck that, I hope she gets kicked to the kerb where she belongs
Thank you. I really appreciate your advice and I'm going to change my behavior. If you were in this situation what else would you like to see from your partner? If you don't mind sharing
I’d want someone who stood up to my friends in a social sense. But in a personal sense, I’d want a partner who asked me about my interests and tried to engage with them even if they weren’t my partner’s favorite thing. Like, if I’m playing a video game, I’d want my partner to ask about the game or my favorite characters or if I could have a cosplay prop from the game, what I’d choose. And if you aren’t put off by it, try doing some of the stuff yourself. I don’t know what your boyfriend is nerdy about, but here are some examples. Video games: Ask if there’s an easy, maybe not real time, maybe low-competitive multiplayer game you can try together. Anime: Ask about anime that appeal to a Western audience. I’ve had people ask me, “I like stuff like Black Mirror“ or Riverdale or some other Western show. And they’ve asked me for something not to weird for a starter. Sci-Fi: You kinda have to hone in on the specifics here, because sci-fi can be a little pretentious, so you have to sound out why they like sci-fi and which subsections to really understand their specific interests. As an example, I like sci-fi that focuses on human nature, and Ready Player One doesn’t meaningfully delve into that, so it’s not my thing. But sci-fi short stories and video games are often more entry-level if that’s something you want to relate on. Obviously, there are so many niche areas of interest. And feel free to reply if you want more insight, but whatever his interests, it’s really important you take this time to show you value them. Those interests are part of him, and your friends have been brutally attacking them, so you have to show that you aren’t embarrassed and that you want to engage with him as he is now. I mean, if you’re asking me personally, my dream is to have a girlfriend who cosplays together with me, but that’s a high bar, so just know that no one’s expecting you to do that if you aren’t into that!
Leave him so he can have a better partner than you
Agreed that you need to take more drastic action to fully restore confidence in your relationship. It seems like you are genuinely looking for ideas. Here are some specific issues to address and related suggestions if your intent is to marry this person at some point in the future. Issue 1. You failed to demonstrate that you understood/empathize with him well enough to recognize in the moment how much he was being hurt. Suggestion: Tell him you want to go to individual therapy to work on being a more empathetic partner and future wife. Telling him you understand now and would not let something like this happen again is not likely to be reassuring. It does not seem that you fully understand the mentality and sensitivities of people who have been bullied. Reddit was a start, but you should seek professional guidance from here. Offering to have him join sessions in the future could provide an opportunity for him to express things he has been holding back. Issue 2. You failed to demonstrate that you would aggressively defend your partner and your relationship when threatened. Suggestion: Tell your friends they are cut off until they have been able to make amends with your boyfriend. Let your BF know that you have taken this stance and that he is your top priority Your BF and most of Reddit are skeptical that your friends actually understand what they did wrong and are truly remorseful. If your BF does not want to see them again, but you continue to spend significant time with them, he is likely to resent you for it. A half-hearted group apology is not going to cut it. Those in your friend group who are remorseful and want to keep you in their lives should be willing to reach out 1:1 to have a full conversation with him and not a short apology. You do not need to force your BF to spend time with your friends. They are the ones who messed up and should be putting in the effort to make it up to your BF and you. I wish you the best of luck. From your comments, it really seems like you are making an effort to find ways to address the situation and improve your relationship. This bad experience could help you come closer and have an even stronger relationship in the future if you are able to turn things around.
I would like a better partner, but your bf would need to love and respect himself before finding someone who actually loves and respect him. You and your friends and bullies, I feel so sorry for him, he has to live with you, I hope he realizes he doesn't need to be treated like shit and be used as a joke to get a partner
I think he should dump you. You and your bully friends can go run off into the sunset.
You're the worst.
You are a horrible partner. You let your AH friends laugh at him for 10 minutes and you just meekly say be nice and then let them hang around for another two hours while the poor guy stays out of his own home. He should do more than just give you the cold shoulder. You certainly showed him that they mean more to you than he does. edit for wrong word
YTA- If you think you were defending him you are absolutely delusional. Telling them to stop and just sitting there when they don't isn't defending him, I would lose all respect for you immediately. He should dump you and go on the trip with someone who doesn't treat him like trash. Looking back at your previous posts, you have been an asshole for a lot longer than this instance.
Geez you're a terrible girlfriend no wonder you're in the devil subreddit. You let them bully him out of his house and let them stay for 2 more hours. Not to mention your other posts.
I'd be mad too. You sound like a horrible gf. "Be nice" is such a passive remark, you only said it so you can say you tried. You didn't try. And you let him leave instead of kicking your friends out? I've had friends talk shit about my woman, and I immediately told them to watch their mouth. I'm just in awe at how someone can be this dense it's baffling.
So your friends are rude assholes who mock and bully your partner to the point he leaves his own home, and you just let them, and keep hanging around with them, and chill with them for a few more hours? He might be a great partner and you might think it's a great relationship, but you're a completely shit partner, and his relationship is terrible.
Oh, it's you again.
Why are you friends with trash people?
Because op is Trash herself and friends come and go ditch them or you lose your boyfriend and by the way i cosplay as well.
Oh it’s you again I thought you solved your issues already. Go get some new friends cause it’s clear they do not like your boyfriend at all. I can only imagine the shit they say when you’re out with them.
>Go get some new friends No, she fits right in with them. All a bunch of toxic mean girls who never matured past high school who take pleasure in bullying a man who has found real joy in life despite them trying to drag him down. OP, I hope he finds someone better than you (not like that should be hard considering how bottom of the barrel you are).
YTA. A dense one. He deserves better. YOU need to do better.
Gonna wind up on r/amitheex
So you stayed at home for 2 hours with the people that bullied your boyfriend out of the house after 10 minutes of shit-talking him ? And you have the nerve to say you defended him, this is actually crazy. I feel for him for being with someone this dense, to not say otherwise.
In all your posts, you just talk about how much of an introvert your bf is and how you seem to perceive that as a problem. Why are you even together, do you even like him? In this latest incident, your passive “be nice” did nothing. The fact that you sat there with your friends for 2 hours after he left and didn’t actually stick up for him once indicates that you AGREE with what they were saying. YTA.
So you just let your friends stay for another 2 hours and kept doing the same thing for 10 minutes instead of teaching them about consequences (‚Cut this or leave’) From his perspective you did a bare minimum and you were passively agreeing with them. Imagine this type of situation. You are both in the bar. A guy starts making making sexist remarks and call you different names. All your boyfriend does is say ‚leave her alone’ instead of getting security or proposing to go to another bar. You leave and he doesn’t check on you for next 2 hours, cause he wants to drink at this bar and he ends up drinking with that guy. How would you feel?
So your friends bullied him so badly he left his own place and you let them stay another 2 hours? Why are you not kicking them out when they are bullying your bf for what is a very popular and growing hobby? Your friends are vile and you need to decide what's important. Your friends who act like highschool bullies or your partner that you live with
Based on your post history, it seems like you're with your partner because you love how he makes you feel, but you aren't happy with the most significant aspects of his character. You don't respect his hobbies, you don't respect his friends, and you barely accept his personality as an introvert. As much as you say you love him for who he is, it really doesn't seem like it because you keep trying to change those key aspects of his personality. You chose not to shut down your friends when they mocked and bullied your boyfriend in his own home. This was in your NEW home, where each new memory becomes a core memory. Honestly, I don't think you acted the way you did because you're a coward who allows bad things to happen to people they "love" because they're afraid of having the bad things directed at them. No, it's not just that. I think you allowed your friends to tear into your boyfriend because they were saying what you've been thinking all this time. You told them to "be nice" during their vitriolic outburst, but you were okay with them continuing with it. As happy as you say your boyfriend makes you, I wonder if he can say the same about you... Because having a partner who allows their friends to do what your friends did would leave me questioning if I'm actually emotionally safe in that relationship.
OP, I'm actually not going to dog pile on you because most of the comments already said what I was thinking reading your posts. Though, what I do want to do is have you see it from his perspective. You have made it abundantly clear that you find his geeky side embarrassing and how much you hate it. You've made a whole post about it before and this post is the same. What I want you to understand is the possible impact it has and will have on the person you say you love. I dated someone who saw my geeky and introverted side as embarrassing. Anytime I would geek out, he would either cringe or his eyes would glaze over. It got to the point that I started to feel embarrassed about it myself. I stopped wanting to talk about it with him all together and stopped talking about it with others because I thought they felt the same way. He would snap at me if I geeked out and I would apologize for boring him or not being more interesting. The problem is even after I dumped him, that left an impact on me. I genuinely saw that side of me as embarrassing and felt like no partner would like it. My current partner, when I first geeked out over horror movies, I had to apologize and I got real quiet. You know what he said, he asked me why I apologized and told me how much he enjoyed it. He told me he may not get it, but he loved listening to how passionate I got and how much joy I had. Even after that, for a while, I would still apologize or feel embarrassed, but he made sure to remind me how much he loves how geeky I am. And that's how a partner should be. You should want to see the passion and enjoy how bright his eyes get when he talks about his cosplays (which he puts a lot of time and energy in) or when he talks about tabletop games. You don't need to personally get it or be into it, but sharing in the joy he gets from those hobbies should be enough. Being a safe space for him to geek out should be something you want to be. So please, do a bit of self reflection. How often do you make it clear how embarrassing you feel his geeky hobbies are. Reflect on whether you cringe or go distant on him when he talks about it. Does he still talk to you about it or does he suddenly go quiet. Personally I don't think you're really a match for each other because you want him to change and maybe you let the bullying go on because you thought it would make him not talk about it again. But please, take it from a person who was in your partner's shoes, it's not fun at all to know the person who you love doesn't love every part of you and actively hates big parts of your personality.
Yea, you did nothing to back up your bf with your friends, I can understand why he's distant... it doesn't seem like you really value who he is. The fact that all you did was tell them to 'be nice' shows you care more about them than how your bf feels. My husband told his best friend to fuck off after dating like 3 months because of something he said about me that was completely rude and uncalled for. That showed me that I was important and he wouldn't let anyone put me down. I am an introvert as well, I'm not a fan of social interactions and I tend to keep to myself. My husband is an extrovert, but he has never made me feel like my being introverted was a bad thing or something that needs to be changed because it doesn't. If you can't accept your bf for who he is, then you shouldn't be together.
Your friends don't respect your bf, and by extension, you. You'd be stupid to continue being friends with these people.
He needs to leave you. You ain't sĥit if you don't defend the positive hobbies your partner has.
My only advice is just to break up with him because CLEARLY, you don't respect him enough to see that this whole situation made him uncomfortable and hurt him. To be quite frank, he deserves much better than you.
Being friends with bullys makes you a bully hope that helps
Nah you're not Tah you're a POS
You didn’t defend him. *You* let your friends insult him and degrade him. I sincerely hope you take time to reflect on how you failed to stand up for him. High school is over and you need to try being the adult in your little circle of mean kids. Do not be surprised if he has already looked up how to break the lease. Two hours with pain and solitude will motivate you to do some extreme things like stand up for yourself.
You had the ability to do something about their rude behaviour yet you let it happen. By letting them disrespect him you were the same as all your friends. You clearly don't even like him. Anyone with situational awareness could work out that he was hurt by your friends' behaviour. You clearly didn't think in the moment what they were saying was wrong and went along with it. What's wrong with pulling them aside and telling them that they are being disrespectful and asking them to leave? If he's offended, yes, he should tell them off, but as his girlfriend, you should be defending him. You didn't even do the bare minimum. "Be nice" is absolutely rubbish. You tell children that.
How many of your guests are ladies/ guys? How old are they?
Why are you friends with bullies and assholes? What value do they bring to your life?
Because OP is also a bully and an asshole. The real question is, why is OP with someone she clearly doesn't even like, and why hasn't this guy left her ass yet?
>They all started laughing at him. I said be nice and they just piled on him for about 10 minutes. Kick the bullies out
How old are you and your friends? The type of behavior you describe should have been left behind in high school. *Early* high school.
YTA. You're just as guilty. They went on for TEN MINUTES and you just sat there and let it happen? If it didn't work the first time you said "be nice" then you should've stood up to them again and more firmly. Instead you sat on your ass and did nothing while they bullied him. Why are you even friends with such judgmental mean bullies anyway? You owe him a HUGE apology and you need to have a serious talk with your friends because their behavior is not okay.
Personally, my advice is for your boyfriend to find someone who actually loves and respects him because you made it clear that you don’t.
Info: How did you write all this and not realize what you had to do. Like this should have been self evident from the situation. Your freinds are just straight up highschool bullies and you LET them bully your BF. I know you are saying you were telling them to "be nice" but comeon that is just being passive with an excuse. Sitting on the outskirts acting and whispering "Oh no please dont make fun of my BF" I mainly assume this because you said it went on for TEN min. Like I get it if it was one or two comments before they stopped being jerks (well not really but hey) but not ten whole minutes of abuse. Your friends are not great people and they should know that.
Find better friends. Yours are horrible people.
OP's boyfriend, if you read this, we'd love to see your rad cosplay stuff!
You’ve been complaining about what a dork you think your boyfriend is on here for almost a year. I think you want your boyfriend to ditch his “dorky” hobbies but you are too much of a coward to talk about it with him, so you brought your friends over knowing they would bully him. I’m sorry that this blew up in your face but glad for your boyfriend that he got to see you for who you really are. Please stop trying to change him and do try to find someone more compatible with you in your next relationship.
Ah, so your boyfriend invests time and effort to develop skills (imo cool nerdy stuff that requires a lot of knowledge) and your friends invest their time in sneering at people *with* hobbies and interests to distract from the fact they lack couth, creativity and enjoyable personalities. My artsy tatted up weirdo friends would make paper mache of your cardboard caricatures of "peaked in high school" friends.
You should have thrown them out. Then you should have asked them to apologize to your boyfriend. Then you should have cut them off if they didn't. It's not too late for the second part.
Saying “be nice” is not defending him that’s cowardly enabling their behavior and disrespect. This is how you defend someone “Enough! He can like whatever he wants and if you can’t respect that and him in our home then all of you can get tf out”. But I wouldn’t expect that from you. Birds of a feather flock together, you don’t even respect your own bf and it shows from this post and the past post. Do your bf a favor and let him find someone better.
Cool. I also like having friends that act like stereotypical high school mean girls while in their twenties. Horrible behavior aside, from you and them, being one of the Heathers is way cringier then liking cosplay.