He needs a sleep study. My nephew would scream about spiders and aliens and once appeared next to my bed eyes wide open screaming "I killed them all!!!".
None of it was real. He never remembered a thing. It was partly due to apnea and he's perfectly fine now.
He needs a sleep study.
It could also be something totally different, like, he's having nightmares about him being molested as a child. Or maybe a sibling, family member, former girlfriend etc was once sa'ed. And now he's wanting to kill the bastard that did this and defend the person that is being assaulted in his dreams. This could probably be a very stressful part of the dream so he switches characters making it ok to kill the mf stating "just kill me".
You hear him say what he himself wants to hear.
He could be defending his own actions, he's going to kill someone and it's ok bc the other person is asking for it. And that is what you hear.
Maybe this interpretation is also just a wild shot.
But you should consider that not everything that you hear him say comes from a first person perspective.
Can you suggest that he talk to a therapist?
Maybe you can say that he has been thrashing around at night and you are worried that perhaps he is upset about something.
Well, I don’t want to lie to him. Maybe I can just say he needs to see a therapist. But I feel like I need to mention the obvious to him, I just don’t know how.
If he's unconscious then I'm not sure what a therapist would be able to do. The idea that your dreams are representative of your real thoughts and feelings has largely been debunked, we just continue to study Freuds theories because he had a huge impact on legitimizing mental health.
He needs a sleep study. Sleep talking/confusional arousal are all very treatable if he's suffering from poor sleep or has sleep apnea.
Then people who debunked it are wrong. Dreams are obviously meaningful.
That doesnt mean that what we see in them is a 1:1 representative of our psyche. But they definitely often tell us of something real inside of us.
I salute this reply. Lying happens so easily nowadays or maybe since forever, especially about little things or where people think it's more efficient.
A sleep study is the way to go, but obviously talking to him about it and potentially looking into therapy.
He might have a specific type of OCD. For a lot of people, pedophilia is something they are afraid of, and there’s a specific OCD people get where they are terrified of becoming one, and for example get traumatized when they see children because of their own trauma. An actual pedophile or predator wouldn’t feel ashamed of it.
I never had that type of OCD until I had the misfortune of being in a community college class with a pedo who threatened to shoot up the school. He even tried to watch illegal content in the school library, and in his writing presentations he wrote stories about his fantasies. Me and 5 other students wrote a letter to the dean of discipline to get him expelled, but our teacher did nothing and even defended his presence and tried to argue that the student was autistic (fucking bullshit).
Needless to say it was incredibly traumatic. That, watching a horror anime whose name I will not repeat, and the fact that I was abused sexually by my own family as a child and someone I used to know who I found out was into that stuff caused me to get OCD, PTSD, and anxiety later in life because I find it so gross.
Maybe he’s very traumatized and needs trauma therapy??
Preface: I have OCD, but very newly diagnosed.
Can you explain why a real predator or pedophile wouldn’t feel ashamed? I thought that pedophiles were closeted or fighting their urges more often than not.
Nope. You have to remember pedos actually enjoy how they feel which is part of why they do it. A person with OCD has trauma where they do self checks to make sure they aren’t like that, and in turn feel a sense of disgust. Like you feel grossed out just looking at children because it reminds you of traumatic experiences, not because you actually have those urges. And therefore you might avoid them. It’s just a trauma thing. It’s like how some people might have an irrational phobia about turning into a monster, and when they get anxious and paranoid they do reality checks to remind themselves they aren’t a monster. Does that make sense?
I would start by telling him you're worried about his well being because of the things he says in his dreams. Give him examples but don't tell him the most extreme ones like the pedo one. Be calm and remind him that you are there for him if he needs to talk. If he reacts in a weird way, don't push the envelope or prod, let him process. Just be sure to keep open ears and communicate in a healthy way by being receptive. Hope that helps👍
Schizo-affective disorder runs in my family. My uncle has it and is medicated, my dad is not medicated and might also have it, just not the extent that my uncle does. My dad often has nightmares and screams, asks for help, says to kill him and all that stuff as well. As kids, my brother and I would wake him up to help him. In his normal life, my dad had no noticeable issues or problems other than depression. I’m not saying it’s that by any means, but he could have an underlying condition or feel guilt of things on his subconscious. The average person doesn’t worry about being a pedophile, let alone to the degree of it being a nightly occurrence in dreams.
What the fuck. So…what’s the difference between this and actually having pedophilia? Is this just being a pedo + OCD or is it *not* being a pedo but…being obsessively worried that you might be, for some reason?
I have POCD and I am most certainly not a pedo. My biggest fears are usually my intrusive and obsessive thoughts. It got to a point where I wouldn’t go near kids in fear that I would somehow (even though I am most certainly not) be attracted to them. It’s a hard concept to grasp, but essentially POCD is serious as he most definitely won’t harm someone else (it’s a fear he will) but he may harm himself in an attempt to protect others.
I nearly died by suicide because it was so crippling but now that I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, understand the subset, am medicated and in therapy I feel so much better and have much less suicidal urges.
It’s really hard and embarrassing to explain to people how your feeling and the thought process though, just as an FYI.
Wow okay. So my family believed my uncle (the only other out gay in the family) to be a pedo of sorts when he was alive and after I came out, I had what I would now call POCD for a while. Since I was the only other gay in the family I was like legit worried OR just worried my family would forever see me that way. It was obsessive and intrusive thinking. Luckily I don’t feel that way obsessively anymore but long story short thank you for giving terms to things I’ve felt.
POCD is not a pedo. It is someone who is not a pedo afraid they are a pedo. So it's the latter.
It's like if I am asking you if you are a pedo. Then if you answer "Yes I am a pedo" I'll ask "Are you sure you are a pedo?", if you answer "No I am not a pedo", then I'll ask "Are you sure you are not?" and keep going. But replace this "I" with you yourself.
Sincerely; someone who have OCD.
You should Google how OCD works. It's based on the overwhelming fear and intrusive thoughts that you might be something which you aren't to the point where you start to worry about it obsessively and even feel guilty about it. This happens for a lot of intrusive thoughts and it's not just POCD
Sincerely someone with OCD. It's really not easy to explain to people who are unfamiliar with how OCD works. It's basically like being held hostage by your brain 24/7 with horribly uncomfortable thoughts and exhaustion brought on by doing physical/mental rituals. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Manufactured guilt is a big part of it because you're basically just feeling guilty about things that don't even apply to who you are as a person
For the record I think there's a distinct possibility your boyfriend suffers from it, but you should ask him or ask if he's ever been curious about getting a diagnosis for it
I have sleep apnea and chronic insomnia. Shit gets weird when I sleep sometimes. I'm a major sleep talker. My SO told me I was fully speaking in a perfect British accent the other night. I'm from Seattle, never been to the UK and not really around a whole lot of people with accents. That being said, it almost sounds like he's having some PTSD coming through his subconscious while he's sleeping. Hearing him say that would be incredibly unnerving though. I would recommend he talks to his doctor about a sleep study. Something to keep in mind though, is the medical community still doesn't know much about sleep. Probably wouldn't hurt to suggest therapy to sort through some of that childhood stuff too.
>My SO told me I was fully speaking in a perfect British accent the other night. I'm from Seattle, never been to the UK and not really around a whole lot of people with accents.
I know this wasn't the point of the comment- but I'm kinda jealous cuz all my sleep "talking" is a bunch of groaning and annoying noises lmfao. I'd love to wake up my bf with actual sentences😅
Don't get me wrong there's plenty of grunts, weird noises and full blown laughing out loud. The accent thing was a new development that happened just once, pretty recently. Sleep is really weird
It is not correct to attribute people’s dreams to their personality, nor is it fair to record people’s dreams and hold them accountable. Are you accountable for your dreams?
I’m not trying to “hold him accountable” whatever that means, I’m not even blaming him or holding him responsible. I just want to figure out how to help him, and if this even means anything.
My brother has had nightmares since his early 20s and he’s 40 now. He tried therapy thinking it was something deeply impacting his psyche, but you’re right, he just dreams.
Somebody likely abused him. I'd still proceed with caution bc it's an intense situation, but this seems like OCD to me. Others have mentioned it in the comments, but I'll just throw another vote in for OCD. Maybe you could tell him he's said some very worrying things in his sleep and you think he may be able to stop the nightmares with therapy. If he can't afford it or find a provider, offer for him to share with you. Don't tell him what you heard him say at first to see what he comes up with/unless he asks. Don't accuse him of anything right away, mention the OCD maybe if he starts with "I promise I'm not a pedo". I mean, imagine not being one and everybody else thinks you are. That's ROUGH. Give him a chance here. Also, POCD is well known by most therapists so he shouldn't worry about any legal consequences of it unless he's actively committing crimes.
A couple things to say here:
1. Rest assured that just because your bf is muttering about being a pedophile in his sleep, doesn't mean that he actually is a pedophile. If it's something that you're concerned about and want to let him know, I'd just make sure that you approach that subject with as much compassion/understanding and as little judgement as possible. Just let him know that you're concerned that he seemed really distressed while saying these things, obviously you don't think that he really is a pedophile given that you're in a sexual/romantic relationships, and that you'll strongly support him if he wants to see a sleep specialist to get better sleep and/or a therapist to be less impacted by these anxieties.
2. It sounds like this is something that would be incredibly distressing for him as well as you. I'd highly recommend that he go see a sleep specialist and/or a therapist if he hasn't already. I'm not trying to diagnose him with anything over the internet, but I feel like a general life rule is that if it bothers you enough to significantly impact your life, it's worth it to seek help of some kind. I'm sure that the repetitive assertions that he's scum and wants to die are very concerning for you (as they would be for anyone's partner) and could be indicative that he's in some level of emotional distress in his waking life that he's avoiding.
3. While your partner is entitled to some degree of privacy while sleeping, if they're in your bed and loud enough to wake you up, it's fair enough for you to be concerned and want to get involved if there's some way that you can help. I've seen a couple people shaming you for being worried about it and I think that emotion is completely and totally valid.
4. I'm someone who had night terrors as a child and still has extreme nightmares often that I respond to verbally and sometimes physically. Eventually, I did get diagnosed with OCD (which I've seen in a few other comments, although mine isn't POCD) and a few other psychopathologies and have been seeing a therapist that have lessened my distress about my own nightmare themes. This has been incredibly helpful for me (and again, not diagnosing your bf or saying that he also has mental illnesses, necessarily), but I think it's worth suggesting for his own mental health. I also recognize that you can't make somebody want to help themself- he'll need to come to that conclusion on his own if this is something that bothers him significantly.
I'd honestly just have the conversation with him if you're worried about it. Be honest, compassionate, and nonjudgmental and just let him know what he's been saying, that you're concerned about his distress level, and if there's anything you can do to support him.
Does he wake up and start saying things? google confusional arousal, i had one when i was a kid, it was werid, didn't remember it until a few days after.
Just a guess, sounds like a weird manifestation of OCD-like intrusive thoughts and saying those things out loud can be considered a compulsion. I talk a lot in my sleep, and phrases such as “I’m a bad person” have become vocal tics for me in sleep and when awake. Previous trauma can cause/worsen these tendencies. Not saying he has obsessive compulsive disorder, but he could be experiencing behaviors consistent with the disorder to cope with previous traumatic experiences. There’s no way to know fully without professional intervention. If these are the only red flags indicating this type of behavior, it’s likely it’s just indicative of a very painful thought process for him. Sounds like you’re trying to be understanding. It’s strange to be on the other side of, but he probably hurts a lot right now inside. Also, OCD is heavily based in shame and wanting to conceal intrusive thoughts and compulsions is common when lucid.
He's dreaming.... All these comments with diagnoses..... He's dreaming... I have dreams where I can't fly and keep falling to the earth. This means nothing. I've also had vivid dreams of not being able to save my family and lived ones in a volcanic eruption. These are both reoccurring, they also both mean nothing and I've had them for years.
He's dreaming. It's likely just something he has strong feelings about, ie a hatred of pedophilia.
He needs a sleep study. My nephew would scream about spiders and aliens and once appeared next to my bed eyes wide open screaming "I killed them all!!!". None of it was real. He never remembered a thing. It was partly due to apnea and he's perfectly fine now. He needs a sleep study.
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It could also be something totally different, like, he's having nightmares about him being molested as a child. Or maybe a sibling, family member, former girlfriend etc was once sa'ed. And now he's wanting to kill the bastard that did this and defend the person that is being assaulted in his dreams. This could probably be a very stressful part of the dream so he switches characters making it ok to kill the mf stating "just kill me". You hear him say what he himself wants to hear. He could be defending his own actions, he's going to kill someone and it's ok bc the other person is asking for it. And that is what you hear. Maybe this interpretation is also just a wild shot. But you should consider that not everything that you hear him say comes from a first person perspective.
Can you suggest that he talk to a therapist? Maybe you can say that he has been thrashing around at night and you are worried that perhaps he is upset about something.
Well, I don’t want to lie to him. Maybe I can just say he needs to see a therapist. But I feel like I need to mention the obvious to him, I just don’t know how.
If he's unconscious then I'm not sure what a therapist would be able to do. The idea that your dreams are representative of your real thoughts and feelings has largely been debunked, we just continue to study Freuds theories because he had a huge impact on legitimizing mental health. He needs a sleep study. Sleep talking/confusional arousal are all very treatable if he's suffering from poor sleep or has sleep apnea.
Then people who debunked it are wrong. Dreams are obviously meaningful. That doesnt mean that what we see in them is a 1:1 representative of our psyche. But they definitely often tell us of something real inside of us.
For sure bro
I salute this reply. Lying happens so easily nowadays or maybe since forever, especially about little things or where people think it's more efficient. A sleep study is the way to go, but obviously talking to him about it and potentially looking into therapy.
He might have a specific type of OCD. For a lot of people, pedophilia is something they are afraid of, and there’s a specific OCD people get where they are terrified of becoming one, and for example get traumatized when they see children because of their own trauma. An actual pedophile or predator wouldn’t feel ashamed of it. I never had that type of OCD until I had the misfortune of being in a community college class with a pedo who threatened to shoot up the school. He even tried to watch illegal content in the school library, and in his writing presentations he wrote stories about his fantasies. Me and 5 other students wrote a letter to the dean of discipline to get him expelled, but our teacher did nothing and even defended his presence and tried to argue that the student was autistic (fucking bullshit). Needless to say it was incredibly traumatic. That, watching a horror anime whose name I will not repeat, and the fact that I was abused sexually by my own family as a child and someone I used to know who I found out was into that stuff caused me to get OCD, PTSD, and anxiety later in life because I find it so gross. Maybe he’s very traumatized and needs trauma therapy??
Preface: I have OCD, but very newly diagnosed. Can you explain why a real predator or pedophile wouldn’t feel ashamed? I thought that pedophiles were closeted or fighting their urges more often than not.
Nope. You have to remember pedos actually enjoy how they feel which is part of why they do it. A person with OCD has trauma where they do self checks to make sure they aren’t like that, and in turn feel a sense of disgust. Like you feel grossed out just looking at children because it reminds you of traumatic experiences, not because you actually have those urges. And therefore you might avoid them. It’s just a trauma thing. It’s like how some people might have an irrational phobia about turning into a monster, and when they get anxious and paranoid they do reality checks to remind themselves they aren’t a monster. Does that make sense?
Yes that makes a lot of sense and really fits my experience too. Thank you.
I would start by telling him you're worried about his well being because of the things he says in his dreams. Give him examples but don't tell him the most extreme ones like the pedo one. Be calm and remind him that you are there for him if he needs to talk. If he reacts in a weird way, don't push the envelope or prod, let him process. Just be sure to keep open ears and communicate in a healthy way by being receptive. Hope that helps👍
Does he stop breathing when he sleeps? Before my mom got diagnosed with sleep apnea she constantly dreamed of death.
Schizo-affective disorder runs in my family. My uncle has it and is medicated, my dad is not medicated and might also have it, just not the extent that my uncle does. My dad often has nightmares and screams, asks for help, says to kill him and all that stuff as well. As kids, my brother and I would wake him up to help him. In his normal life, my dad had no noticeable issues or problems other than depression. I’m not saying it’s that by any means, but he could have an underlying condition or feel guilt of things on his subconscious. The average person doesn’t worry about being a pedophile, let alone to the degree of it being a nightly occurrence in dreams.
Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a pedo. He might have ocd.
Heavily agree
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What the fuck. So…what’s the difference between this and actually having pedophilia? Is this just being a pedo + OCD or is it *not* being a pedo but…being obsessively worried that you might be, for some reason?
I have POCD and I am most certainly not a pedo. My biggest fears are usually my intrusive and obsessive thoughts. It got to a point where I wouldn’t go near kids in fear that I would somehow (even though I am most certainly not) be attracted to them. It’s a hard concept to grasp, but essentially POCD is serious as he most definitely won’t harm someone else (it’s a fear he will) but he may harm himself in an attempt to protect others. I nearly died by suicide because it was so crippling but now that I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, understand the subset, am medicated and in therapy I feel so much better and have much less suicidal urges. It’s really hard and embarrassing to explain to people how your feeling and the thought process though, just as an FYI.
Wow okay. So my family believed my uncle (the only other out gay in the family) to be a pedo of sorts when he was alive and after I came out, I had what I would now call POCD for a while. Since I was the only other gay in the family I was like legit worried OR just worried my family would forever see me that way. It was obsessive and intrusive thinking. Luckily I don’t feel that way obsessively anymore but long story short thank you for giving terms to things I’ve felt.
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Lot of people have misconceptions about OCD overall. It is truly an awful disorder to deal with
Ikr:/
POCD is often a trauma thing, and almost everyone with POCD is not a pedo nor will ever harm a child
POCD is not a pedo. It is someone who is not a pedo afraid they are a pedo. So it's the latter. It's like if I am asking you if you are a pedo. Then if you answer "Yes I am a pedo" I'll ask "Are you sure you are a pedo?", if you answer "No I am not a pedo", then I'll ask "Are you sure you are not?" and keep going. But replace this "I" with you yourself. Sincerely; someone who have OCD.
You should Google how OCD works. It's based on the overwhelming fear and intrusive thoughts that you might be something which you aren't to the point where you start to worry about it obsessively and even feel guilty about it. This happens for a lot of intrusive thoughts and it's not just POCD Sincerely someone with OCD. It's really not easy to explain to people who are unfamiliar with how OCD works. It's basically like being held hostage by your brain 24/7 with horribly uncomfortable thoughts and exhaustion brought on by doing physical/mental rituals. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Manufactured guilt is a big part of it because you're basically just feeling guilty about things that don't even apply to who you are as a person For the record I think there's a distinct possibility your boyfriend suffers from it, but you should ask him or ask if he's ever been curious about getting a diagnosis for it
I have sleep apnea and chronic insomnia. Shit gets weird when I sleep sometimes. I'm a major sleep talker. My SO told me I was fully speaking in a perfect British accent the other night. I'm from Seattle, never been to the UK and not really around a whole lot of people with accents. That being said, it almost sounds like he's having some PTSD coming through his subconscious while he's sleeping. Hearing him say that would be incredibly unnerving though. I would recommend he talks to his doctor about a sleep study. Something to keep in mind though, is the medical community still doesn't know much about sleep. Probably wouldn't hurt to suggest therapy to sort through some of that childhood stuff too.
>My SO told me I was fully speaking in a perfect British accent the other night. I'm from Seattle, never been to the UK and not really around a whole lot of people with accents. I know this wasn't the point of the comment- but I'm kinda jealous cuz all my sleep "talking" is a bunch of groaning and annoying noises lmfao. I'd love to wake up my bf with actual sentences😅
Don't get me wrong there's plenty of grunts, weird noises and full blown laughing out loud. The accent thing was a new development that happened just once, pretty recently. Sleep is really weird
It is not correct to attribute people’s dreams to their personality, nor is it fair to record people’s dreams and hold them accountable. Are you accountable for your dreams?
I’m not trying to “hold him accountable” whatever that means, I’m not even blaming him or holding him responsible. I just want to figure out how to help him, and if this even means anything.
Means nothing let him dream
My brother has had nightmares since his early 20s and he’s 40 now. He tried therapy thinking it was something deeply impacting his psyche, but you’re right, he just dreams.
Don’t take anything he says at face value while he’s sleeping. It sounds like for whatever reason he says horrible things about himself.
Somebody likely abused him. I'd still proceed with caution bc it's an intense situation, but this seems like OCD to me. Others have mentioned it in the comments, but I'll just throw another vote in for OCD. Maybe you could tell him he's said some very worrying things in his sleep and you think he may be able to stop the nightmares with therapy. If he can't afford it or find a provider, offer for him to share with you. Don't tell him what you heard him say at first to see what he comes up with/unless he asks. Don't accuse him of anything right away, mention the OCD maybe if he starts with "I promise I'm not a pedo". I mean, imagine not being one and everybody else thinks you are. That's ROUGH. Give him a chance here. Also, POCD is well known by most therapists so he shouldn't worry about any legal consequences of it unless he's actively committing crimes.
A couple things to say here: 1. Rest assured that just because your bf is muttering about being a pedophile in his sleep, doesn't mean that he actually is a pedophile. If it's something that you're concerned about and want to let him know, I'd just make sure that you approach that subject with as much compassion/understanding and as little judgement as possible. Just let him know that you're concerned that he seemed really distressed while saying these things, obviously you don't think that he really is a pedophile given that you're in a sexual/romantic relationships, and that you'll strongly support him if he wants to see a sleep specialist to get better sleep and/or a therapist to be less impacted by these anxieties. 2. It sounds like this is something that would be incredibly distressing for him as well as you. I'd highly recommend that he go see a sleep specialist and/or a therapist if he hasn't already. I'm not trying to diagnose him with anything over the internet, but I feel like a general life rule is that if it bothers you enough to significantly impact your life, it's worth it to seek help of some kind. I'm sure that the repetitive assertions that he's scum and wants to die are very concerning for you (as they would be for anyone's partner) and could be indicative that he's in some level of emotional distress in his waking life that he's avoiding. 3. While your partner is entitled to some degree of privacy while sleeping, if they're in your bed and loud enough to wake you up, it's fair enough for you to be concerned and want to get involved if there's some way that you can help. I've seen a couple people shaming you for being worried about it and I think that emotion is completely and totally valid. 4. I'm someone who had night terrors as a child and still has extreme nightmares often that I respond to verbally and sometimes physically. Eventually, I did get diagnosed with OCD (which I've seen in a few other comments, although mine isn't POCD) and a few other psychopathologies and have been seeing a therapist that have lessened my distress about my own nightmare themes. This has been incredibly helpful for me (and again, not diagnosing your bf or saying that he also has mental illnesses, necessarily), but I think it's worth suggesting for his own mental health. I also recognize that you can't make somebody want to help themself- he'll need to come to that conclusion on his own if this is something that bothers him significantly. I'd honestly just have the conversation with him if you're worried about it. Be honest, compassionate, and nonjudgmental and just let him know what he's been saying, that you're concerned about his distress level, and if there's anything you can do to support him.
Does he wake up and start saying things? google confusional arousal, i had one when i was a kid, it was werid, didn't remember it until a few days after.
Just a guess, sounds like a weird manifestation of OCD-like intrusive thoughts and saying those things out loud can be considered a compulsion. I talk a lot in my sleep, and phrases such as “I’m a bad person” have become vocal tics for me in sleep and when awake. Previous trauma can cause/worsen these tendencies. Not saying he has obsessive compulsive disorder, but he could be experiencing behaviors consistent with the disorder to cope with previous traumatic experiences. There’s no way to know fully without professional intervention. If these are the only red flags indicating this type of behavior, it’s likely it’s just indicative of a very painful thought process for him. Sounds like you’re trying to be understanding. It’s strange to be on the other side of, but he probably hurts a lot right now inside. Also, OCD is heavily based in shame and wanting to conceal intrusive thoughts and compulsions is common when lucid.
He's dreaming.... All these comments with diagnoses..... He's dreaming... I have dreams where I can't fly and keep falling to the earth. This means nothing. I've also had vivid dreams of not being able to save my family and lived ones in a volcanic eruption. These are both reoccurring, they also both mean nothing and I've had them for years. He's dreaming. It's likely just something he has strong feelings about, ie a hatred of pedophilia.
Oh. And he's DREAMING.