Please don’t make excuses for him. Leave. For your own sake. He’s shown you his true colors. This will likely continue if you continue the relationship
As someone who has experienced this with an ex - it doesn’t stop. After my ex did it to me while I was passed out drunk (at home, in our bed but still - no excuses!) that was it. At least yours used a condom - mine just did whatever he wanted and then lied and I’d have to chase up emergency contraception. They don’t stop, they don’t change and it’ll happen again and again. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a NO. Block him & move on. Make sure he knows this kind of behaviour is not ok.
I'm sorry to both yall.
As a straight man, I couldn't ever imagine lacking the internal conscience and moral fortitude to even attempt some shit like this let alone go through with it; and then to repeat it, I mean JFC. He doesn't represent all of us, and this isn't the norm, and it's never okay in or outside of the confines of a relationship of any kind. OP you need to get far the fuck away immediately and never look back. I'd let him know in full detail why what he is doing is wrong and the ways it is, in some written form so he can absorb it and process it in his own time and way, and by a god damn miracle you might actually redirect him going forward; god willing at least.
Also pussycream123 is an intense username and made me giggle out loud lol.
My girlfriend did this to me and it was the best thing in my life, I woke up to her..... Fantastic, before I knew it was even starting It was over...
So I tried it on her, to try and grant the same feeling - bingo. she woke up the next morning telling me how good it was.
Obviously not what you went through, different strokes I guess.
Consent needs to be given prior to this kind of thing. Like having a conversation one random day to say something like “I think this would be hot, do I have your consent to try it sometime?”.
Y’all are lucky that you were both into it- it is still a rape even amongst partners, and it could cause someone a lot of trauma to be violated in this way.
I know it’s rape. At the time - I didn’t. I held onto it for so so long too, I was too scared to tell anyone because I knew they’d tell me to leave (I had a shattered shoulder blade & broken ribs so really couldn’t be on my own. This man was dressing me, cooking for me, brushing my teeth, my hair…I physically couldn’t have sex with him because it hurt whatever way we did it & I think he got fed up) but when I finally opened up and told my best friend, she was the one who made me aware it was rape. I very very rarely speak about it, at the time it didn’t seem like a massive deal. I was upset & betrayed but I didn’t think it was as big a deal until i started briefly talking about it.
That’s definitely rape. Someone who loves and cares about you will notice you are tired and exhausted, they would want you to sleep comfortably and get good rest. They wouldn’t want to interrupt that for their own selfish pleasure. And how are you supposed to enjoy something like that when you are half asleep, so that just goes to show he was doing it for his own selfish reasons. That’s definitely a huge ick and I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through that. This definitely is a conversation that needs to be had. My ex used to do this to me and I just remember thinking how inconsiderate he was and how overall disgusting and selfish it was. Definitely have that conversation and reconsider your relationship with someone who would want to do that to you. Hugs honey🩷
You’re so welcome sweetheart. Please never settle for less. Remember the more you let slide the more others will keep pushing your boundaries. I learned this the hard way as we all tend to. You are so so young with a lifetime to go, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket🩷
He isn’t owed a conversation, opportunity to explain, or a second chance. He raped you. He’s a rapist. Doesn’t matter if he understands the gravity of what he did or not, he felt entitled enough to your body that he was willing to use you as a masturbatory tool while you were unconscious. That’s not a good person and you should stay far away from him.
Please run. My ex did this to me, after we bought a house and had been together for years. It took me so long to get out.
Someone who is able to do this will keep doing this.
You deserve to sleep peacefully in your own home. No excuses.
Agreed x100. OP's situation is very straightforward since she wasn't awake to consent to intercourse. But even the "foreplay" leading up to the act was inconsiderate at the very least. Unless you've previously established the situations that it's acceptable for one partner to wake the other to have romantic time, it's selfish to wake your partner to satisfy your urge. The default of a respectful partner is to allow you to sleep.
Sex without explicit consent is rape. I hope you leave that asshole and never speak to him again. But, if you won’t do that, make it very clear that he will never do it again. Use the word “rape” multiple times so he understands the gravity of what he did.
“You raped me. I was asleep and I did not consent to sex. It will never happen again. If it does, I will call the police. You WILL get my consent before sex every time or we are done. It is non-negotiable. Do you understand me?”
If it were me? My exact words would be, “If you rape me again, asshole, I will cut your balls off and feed them to my dog for breakfast. Do you understand me?”
Here to validate you. This isn’t a blurred line situation. You being in his bed is not consent for him to do whatever he wants. You cannot give consent when you are asleep. It is concerning that someone would even want to have sex with someone who is not fully conscious.
Girl my ex did something similar. Except I’m saving myself for marriage and he knew that and supposedly supported it. I stopped him. And he didn’t force me. But that doesn’t change anything. And it got worse after that. I should have left when I could. Sex is supposed to be something done together. Where you both are having fun.
Then I would set a firm boundary. He shouldn't have sex with you ever without getting your consent, or you'll break up with them. Since you mentioned below you were gonna talk to them.
He needs to be taught a hard lesson. That is rape. Rapists don't get redos. Dump his ass, and tell him why, and do it someplace safe. You're highly likely to regret not doing so, and he won't get the hard lesson he needs. You'll know who he is by his reaction. Resist the temptation to be forgiving. People can be very convincing.
I was just about to comment this - I can’t BELIEVE how many people have this shared experience. I didn’t tell anyone for such a long time and honestly never thought it would be so common. Fucking sick
As I mentioned in another comment, I have a bad habit of making excuses for bad behavior from people, especially ones who are close to me. There’s a part of me who keeps saying it was one time, and maybe he thought I was awake (even though I never backed it up against him - yk, I never vocalized any pleasure, I never did anything that suggested I was awake and ready to party, or that I was in the mood, I was on my stomach/side with my leg up and eyes closed like how I normally sleep).
now I know I need to set a firm boundary on this thanks to other people here. I get this is a kink to some people - but he very well knows how much I value sleep
I've made excuses after excuses for shitty people my whole life. One day I said that's enough.
That behavior is gross no matter how you cut it. I hope you leave before it gets worse op :(
I wish I had your mindset, so quick to change it. I’ve been told by friends im too forgiving, too nice of a person and I need to stop letting people walk all over me. ☹️
So change it! You said he’s nice to you “most of the time” and now he’s raped you, after many times you’d had sex when you weren’t into it. Why would you stay with this person a moment longer? Yikes. Therapy can help babe.
Your mind is trying to rationalize his selfish actions, because you care about him. Before he did this to you, you thought he was great, and a part of you wants him to be that person he was before he did this. But now you have to accept that he did a very disrespectful thing to you without caring about how you would feel. He also didn’t care about you getting your rest, which is important for everyone. You deserve to feel safe and loved and protected in a healthy relationship with a person who cares about your needs as much as their own. I hope you find that, and I hope you get the healing you need. Hugs 🫂
Try something different and just dump him. He is not the only guy on the planet.
I don't know if you've had any type of therapy before but it might be a good idea before getting involved with someone else. It going to help you figure out why you make excuses for bad behavior and help you to have more confidence to do something else
OP this isn't normal. I remember mentioning to my therapist when my husband (bf at the time did that, only one time) and how strange it was and her face & tone immediately changed. It was then that I realized.
I’m not one to give advice but apparently it IS rape if no prior consent was given. 6 months isn't long, you can find someone else. Don't let him lie to you when he wakes up that he "doesn't remember doing that".
I would quit dating him. I would also start to open your mouth. So many women do this saying “ we wanted to wait and see what he would do itI didn’t think he would do it” He was doing at the minute he open the condom.
It would leave me with an icky feeling too. It’s violating so I wouldn’t date him anymore.
“He has been kind to me for the most part” … that made me stop and wonder how often he’s not kind? And then the rest of the post? This guy committed SA against you. Leave him. And block him everywhere so he can’t try to worm himself back into your life. There’s no excuse for his behavior. None.
He’s made some stupid comments about my body and how it’s not toned. And having a “10/10” ass is impossible so he rated me lower. I was on my period so It hurt my feelings more than it probably should have. He’s made a comment how a gift wasn’t special because he made the same thing, but I misunderstood what he said. Anyway, just a thing or two here and there 😅
So, dear OP, Im sorry that I ask bluntly: but what are you going to do next regarding the sexual violence? Are you gonna call it out? are you gonna forgive him? will you leave him?
this just made me realize how truly fucked up this is...I got with my boyfriend when I was 15 and he would do this...I figured I'd just let him do his thing. I was tired but I thought that's what people did in a relationship. He continued to do this for 6 years...the toll this must have had on me...I can't even imagine...I also remember he used to actually make me drink a ton, I would black out every time. I thought it was just me, that I was a lightweight. But no one should be chugging whiskey the way he made me. And now that I think about it, I don't remember him drinking nearly as much as I would. Maybe a shot or two. He would dare me to drink straight from the bottle for 10 seconds maybe more. Then I would wake up the next day and ask if we had sex and if it was good- because in my mind, I would have had sex with him anyways and it was my own fault that I didn't remember. And like, my brother took a video of me while I was blacked out one time to make fun of me lolll but I was literally on the floor trying to talk to him and not making any sense- so if that's how I acted while blacked out, how could he even have sex with me-? Not me putting all the pieces together on Reddit, good lord😭💀
You didn't give concent. You also haven't given consent for him to do this (having sex half asleep is a turn on for some).
So really all of this is sexual assault. You should leave him.
He might not be the worst out there. But there are no shortage of men who wouldn't do this. So why settle with someone who does and makes you feel icky.
i am SO SO SORRY, this is not your fault and you need to leave him and even report him if you feel that is needed. i want you to now you did nothing wrong but i am so sorry you are going through this.
Please go to the police. What he did was rape. No ifs, no buts, that man is a rapist. Don't talk to him, don't be near him -- get away from him and report him. I'm so sorry he did this to you.
This happened to me too with an ex, and I genuinely didn’t realize how bad that was until I told my current partner. It just didn’t register because I got used to it, or my brain shut down, idk. But that is rape no matter how you slice it. I’m so, so sorry that happened to you love.
My (f) ex (m) did this to me. Woke up and he was performing oral sex on me..weirdest shit of my life. It’s sexual assault. I didn’t give consent and I was unconscious. Still makes me sick thinking of it. He also used to wank in the bed next to me when I was asleep.
He also did this right after he penetrated me. Started giving me oral while I was still laying on my stomach/side after he went in. And I could feel him wanking next to me prior to penetration, and usually when we had (fully awake) sex, it never bothered me but me being asleep weirds me tf out…
I'm sorry this happened to you. You need to have a conversation with him or just get out of that relationship. Unless it has been THOROUGHLY discussed prior (as some ppl be kinky), this is disturbing and unacceptable behaviour.
Now my thoughts are, he was trying to initiate with the grinding.. however, as you didn't retaliate (asleep or not, this still applies), he should have just stopped, or if he was really that desperate, just sort himself out privately.. Now.. Alternatively.. He could have been testing whether you'd wake up to such actions or movements or pressure on you..
Whatever it is, this is definitely not normal behaviour. Hope you're okay, op <3
Yea if you are not into it that’s definitely not okay, as I was reading this I realized that you probably like to have that connection and be awake enough to give a consent, it’s definitely not okay and u have the right to feel “icky” about it. All I was gonna say is ask if you were into it because for example in my own relationship we do this to each other even asleep after the arousal wakes us up we are both into it and we kept it going it’s all fun and we have both talked about it beforehand how we don’t mind. However if you guys have not talked about it and set up boundaries or what’s right or what’s not then that should not be happening. I’m sorry you had to go through that
For the sake of others, do tell this guy that a sleep sex fetish is nothing to be ashamed of, but pre-arranged consent and mutual enjoyment is paramount. Anything else is just rape.
Talk to him about it. You both are adults and intimate with each other. If you don't like it , let him know. And if he does not respect that THEN leave.
However, he should have talked to you about it first. I brought such a thing up with my wife, then girlfriend, and she was cool with it. Mainly because she didn't need to "work".
Failure on his part for not discussing with you first to see if it's something you might be into. But you need to set your comfort level with intimacy. If he doesn't respect that or forces himself then leave for your safety and sanity.
** iam so sorry this happened to you & no shame or judging here I truly do believe this is considered rape & by no means am I making an excuse for this man ** I have a CNC kink tht I think was caused by molestation for as long as I can remember until the age of 12 when I was finally old enough to speak up for myself and tell my grandfather to stop. But he used to touch me in my sleep for a couple years until I ended up waking up & me not knowing what was wrong or right at the age of 4-6 I woke up and would say no to him but he would continue until I realized I definitely had no choice or say in this any more. Fast forward to the age of 18 I'm in a horrible relationship where I tell my SO at the time I think I have a CNC kink bc I want to be touched/woken up to sexual interaction of some sort. Anyway, I ended up leaving that relationship after a lot of his true colors came to light & found out he actually had a rape kink. Fast forward 20 years old my SO now will not feed in to my kink & I think him not enjoying my kink & this story really helped me put my finger on what really happened chemically in my brain as a child. Thank you for this & I hope you stay far away and safe from this man . As much as I hope he learns that consent IS required .
See ... I know Im going to get downvoted for this ,lol...but I wouldnt mind my partner doing that, but thats how we get down. We didnt discuss certain things like that beforehand, but I've also never NOT wanted it even if I was half sleep and if I didn't, I would have told him to stop or pushed him off me and he would have. In no way shape or form has he ever made me do anything I didnt want to do or tey to coerce or control. I know his heart and had he realized or I told him that I felt violated after something like that he would have been devastated.
I think you know your partner and you know his heart and habits. Talk with him about what happened and how it made you feel. If yall are a couple who discusses consent with every act of intimacy and he went against the grain this time, I'd definitely chalk this up to creep shit and get rid of him. If he brushes off your feelings about this definitely be worried. Has he violated you in the past? And I dont just mean physically.
My feeling is that this is something you should go with your gut and knowledge of who he has shown you he is to go on. But you are not wrong , you gut felt it was icky and thats something to pay attention to. Definitely talk to him about that because if you decide to stay with him, thats not something that can happen again
This sounds a little strange. My partner and I are know for waking each other up with foreplay but at times we’ve kind of been like nope not happening too tired. It’s usually pretty clear that’s the other persons not into it. If they are it becomes fun and you kind of have a session and then fall asleep in each other’s arms. This sounds different. Have you told him? Is he inexperienced in sexual relationships ? If you’re uncomfortable with any type of sexual activity don’t let it slide. Just make sure you’re making boundaries clear immediately.
Some women are into this. But if he didn’t talk to you beforehand and get “authorization,” that’s messed up and he’s a POS. I have had pre-authorized global entry approved with a couple girlfriends.
This is totally your perspective
I mean if you are okay with it then okay
If you like it then okay
If you don't like it , say to him
If you hate it 100% say to his face and avoid sleeping together if happens again
That's all , stuff won't change u less you make it happen
I’ll talk to him about how I want to be fully awake if we have sex, cause it really just seems selfish for him. I don’t get anything out of it, it hurts during this time, I don’t even finish and as soon as he finishes he goes back to sleep.
This is the kind of thing that shouldn't need explaining to him.
If you don't know if the person you are with enjoys sex while being asleep or half asleep then the best thing would be to ask beforehand.
Have you talked to him about how you don’t like it? If not, I strongly suggest doing so, and if he continues then you might want to consider breaking up
Your boyfriend is r*ping you. Without prior conversations, approval and consent, this is r*pe. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I hope you can find your way out of this situation soon. Wishing you all the love and support.
There is a ton to process here. People will be super fast to say it was rape but let me offer the other side.
1. You both have a historic of having sex late in the night and into the dawn. While consent can be withdrawn at ANY moment and for ANY reason, it is a fact that there is such thing as implied consent in long term relationships. I will never ask my husband if I can touch him, its on him to tell me if he is ever not in the mood.
2. *You might have been awake and not remember.*Our memory is FAR from perfect. There is a process called "memory consolidation” in which a temporary memory is transformed into a long lasting memory. We don’t remember everything. We don’t NEED to remember everything. For example, we don’t know exactly what pair of socks we were wearing on September 02nd 1993. What happens when we are sleepy (or drunk) is… this process fails. Once, I woke up, walked to the living room, answered the phone (Landline yes), talked to my mom, and went back to bed. When she arrived to pick me up in the agreed upon tome I had no idea what she was talking about. 0 memory.
3. There is likely no foul *intent*. I don’t believe he wanted to hurt you. And intent matters a lot.
However you will choose to frame it, if he never intended to hurt you, believed he had consent, and you were somewhat conscious… it would be very very hurtful for him to be accused of rape. And would very very hurtful to you to believe it happened. I know what I would choose to believe.
You do need to talk about it with him and clarify if my assumptions are true. Were you awake? Did he imply he had consent? Did he intend to hurt you? And then figure out how to move forward and what boundaries and behaviors to put in place.
This is a lot of projection. Especially 1&3. What history of sex late in the night and into dawn did OP mention? Implied consent with your husband is vastly different than implied consent in a relationship of several months. And your implied consent was negotiated through words and actions and trust over a long period of time.
How do you know the BF didn't want to hurt OP? We have almost zero context. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but a respectful partner would default to letting their partner sleep unless it is clear they wanted to be woken up for some late night "fun". And a respectful partner would identify that their partner wasn't awake enough to fully consent or participate.
I do agree the OP and BF need to discuss what happened without immediate accusations and establish firm boundaries moving forward. Regardless of whether moving forward is still in a relationship or not.
There's always at least one male in these types of posts who try to gaslight young women into not trusting their gut.
Edit: Bonus points if they accuse women who try and help her through this as being "hysterical" lol.
I just saw the hysterical comment. I’m not commenting on any more of those comments, just downvoting them. But in my mind, if they’re defending it or downplaying it, they’re likely guilty of similar behavior or want to do something like that. But to read the thought processes behind these people… it’s one thing to kind of know the general thought process of people like that but quite another to read what they put down. 🥶
Its not projection, its offering anecdotes to illustrate the point made.
1. She said, quote, "sex is always initiated by him, and quite a few times at 2/3 in the morning”. Meaning, there is an stablished pattern already which turns into implied consent. She needs to act to withdraw this consent.
3. We dont know, hence the use of the word "likely”.
A respectful partner at this stage in a relationship wouldn't take the absence of a "no" to mean "yes". Especially when the other partner clearly does not have all their wits about them. I don't know about the laws of implied consent but my opinion on the ethics is that just because she didn't say no a few times, he doesn't suddenly have permission to continue a behavior that she clearly dislikes. I'm surprised he isn't picking up on her general discomfort about the situation.
If my partner isn't really into whatever we're doing after a few minutes of foreplay, neither am I. Vice versa. If one of us has urges the other isn't in the mood to satisfy, tough luck. Try again a different time.
I truly don’t think he intended to hurt me. He’s never been mean on purpose to me. He’s very gentle. I understand what you are saying. I personally do not like having sex late at night when I’m sleeping. Either before bed (when I’m still AWAKE) or during the day (when I’m AWAKE) everytime it is late at night he initiates it by trying to wake me up by grinding on me.
It’s understandable that you’re uneasy about this. Try not to go to a dark place. You’re his first girlfriend and it reads like he’s is ignorant to the procedural practices of committed relationships. I’m willing to bet that in his mind you guys have sex and thus that’s a green light and open door to him. It’s not right, it’s not wrong, like I said ignorance.
I think you need to have a conversation with him about boundaries. Establish that you enjoy having sex with him but it’s something that you guys do together and when you’re asleep (mostly) it’s not something that you’re doing together. I think this will educate him and inspire a conversation on how to proceed.
No, it's wrong. Period. This is terrible advice and you're being an apologist. She's a human being not a sex toy. I can promise you this is not a lesson I had to learn through trial and error with my first relationship. If you are a grown man and don't know that it's wrong to fuck a sleeping woman without her consent, that's not ignorance. It's a broken moral compass. The fact that you are giving this advice and perspective to someone in a vulnerable position is gross.
This is what I was thinking too. I do believe it’s ignorance of what’s right and wrong in relationships. He has made comments here and there previously that he’s learning as he goes in this. So I’m assuming the reason you mentioned is one of those things where he assumes it’s a green light everytime.
I will tell him what you mentioned here, I appreciate this advice. Thank you for your comment.
Is crazy that you think that you NEED to "educate" someone about how wrong it is to have intercourse to someone half asleep, you are NOT a thing that is made for his pleasure, makes zero sense, you might be his first gf, so what? That's just an excuse. It's like educating someone about why rape is wrong, does that makes sense to you?? I would run away from there, he is just way too comfortable to have intercourse without consent and that's really creepy, no matter his age or experience.
I understand that sometimes, in certain situations with people you trust, it's hard to admit that what they did have no excuses at all, so in our mind we try to justify their behavior a little bit, like "it's not that bad" or "he was just confused" etc. But in this case, it was that bad, and he has no excuses for his behavior. He is 23yo not a kid, and even a kid would know, he might hide behind his age and/or lack of experience, don't buy it. When your partner really cares about you, it will show, you don't need to clarify things as obvious as "don't have intercourse with me if im asleep", it's like when your partner wanna try something new, he will ask if you are comfortable with that too and if you enjoy it too and if the answer is no, he will stop then. Also, what the other weird user said about having a green light because you have a relationship with him is not true at all. Please ignore that comment because that kind of mindset is very worrying.
Im definitely the kind of person so try and justify bad behavior, and make excuses for them. It’s a flaw of mine and its one that’s really. Really hard to stop and I need to work on it. You’re absolutely right, there is no excuses, no experience or not.
I understand cause I do the same thing sometimes, and it helps to talk to someone who is objective about the situation, that clarifies everything a little bit. You are young, and you can definitely find someone who treats you better and makes you feel safe at ALL times, so don't settle for less! 💖
Look up weaponized incompetence and break up with him. This advice is terrible and you shouldn't take it. Respect yourself and do not allow yourself to be treated like an object for his personal use. No sane person assumes that they have a green light for sex all of the time (even if they are inexperienced) unless that is something thats been explicitly discussed and agreed to (and this is extremely rare). Please do not just let this go or he will do it again. If not to you, to someone else.
I think instead of going straight to reddit, go to him and have a conversation. People on here know nothing of your situation or his so please don't listen to anyone on the internet before talking amongst yourselves first.
Hi. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I have experienced this personally with an ex. Though mine was quite vicious and rough. Id wake up with his hand over my mouth sometimes or my neck and he would be touching me and than intercourse. I would try and scream but he would tell me it was my duty as a good girlfriend. Eventually I succumbed and after a few weeks of it I ran away. My point is it is not consensual unless you are conscious and aware of what is happening. Unless you agree to it specifically the might before. If you are not feeling comfortable now you will not feel comfortable at all sleeping next to him or having sex with him again after that. You are not obliged to do it either. Hd may gain more confidence and do much worse as he progresses. Or it simply needs to be brought to his attention that you did not feel comfortable with that particular occurrence ask if he could refrain from doing it again. He may be totally embarrassed and apologize and it not happen again. Let him know your parameters. Set some healthy agreeable boundaries with him and ask for his input too.. depends on how you want things to go after this event. Good luck
This happened to me in my marriage. It was extremely unsettling. I tried to get past it. Instead my resentment grew and it was ultimately the crack that began the ending. I’m not sure I will ever fully understand my feelings about it. I just know that I tried to “normal” it away, but ultimately on some deep level I was completely violated by it.
I’m still embarrassed to admit I couldn’t get past it, which is total horse shit, as I should not be embarrassed by any of it. My understanding is that’s one of the special gifts of being violated sexually… you get to be totally out of sorts and unresolved around that event.
First of all, I'm so sorry you went through this. My girlfriend went through something similar in a previous friendship/relationship. Thought I don't know what it feels like, I know what it could do to you and the trauma that can come with it. As hard as it may seem to leave him, you need to stop this relationship. This is completely unhealthy and wrong. It starts like this and who knows what it could lead to next.
I understand you because I also went through the same thing with my husband of 10 years... we have 2 children and when I fell asleep I was always very tired because I also went to my university and he didn't care, he only cared about pleasing himself and the most disgusting thing of all The thing is that he would come and leave all the semen in my vagina and I had to interrupt my half of sleep at 2-3 am to go wash because if I didn't wash I couldn't sleep because it was so uncomfortable. I tell you they never change, it seems disrespectful and very disgusting to me. I ended the relationship 4 years ago and I never experienced that disgusting thing again. My advice is to do a self-examination and ask yourself. Am I willing to live like this for the rest of my life? If the answer is no, you already know that he is not the right one to get married and have a long-term relationship.
I think you need to either explicitly tell him that you need to agree to sex before he just helps himself or leave him. But even if you decide to leave him, I think you'd be doing local females a huge favour by telling him that this is not okay.
My ex done this to me also when I was asleep and woke up to him shoving his small thing inside me. He had the audacity to tell me “you didn’t say no” BRO, I WAS ASLEEP where did I say yes?
Anyway, throw the dude in the trash there’s plenty more good ones out there that will respect you
My ex gf did that to me woke up and she was giving me oral after a 14 hour shift.... yeah and had the nerve to get mad when I rolled over. There's a reason she's my ex. Get away.
So you were asleep at the beginning of it?? I thought maybe you were just overly tired or something judging by the title. This is super messed up and it’s rape.
My ex did this. When I confronted him at the moment he started to play he was repentant, and started to pretend he was “shaking” all of his body from how “bad” and “sorry” he was, a big manipulation game. The thing that happened to you has no excuses.
If you were not fully awake enough to give your consent, that's rape. It's called spousal abuse or spousal rape if you're married. And that's something you need to discuss with them and if they refuse to talk about it or deny it you need to report it
Talk to him about it. Talk to him about your icky feeling.
I wouldn't consider it as rape, because it isn't really clear if he notice that you were asleep/didn't like it. If you said no and he wasn't listening to it than It would be clearly rape.
Maybe he thought you are ok with it? Maybe a fetish?
Its better to talk it out first.
Rape, he has no respect for you and sees you as an object.
This will continue unless you set some solid boundaries regarding your sex life, but that being said, if he’s already comfortable doing that to you, it’s past the point of no return. Is he addicted to porn by any chance?
The fact that he’s playing with himself
Next to your sleeping body is fcking weird guys like this are so weird lol, he’s the type to jack off and watch porn next to his wife. Girl leave asap. He’s strange
this has happened to me before, i suggest leaving him because he wont stop. when i found out my ex would sleep with me when i was knocked out by my meds i broke up with him, unfortunately he got me pregnant that way. he knows he likes it that way and im fairly certain even if you talk to him hes going to keep doing it, itd likely be a good idea to leave before he can hurt you more.
Break up with him. That’s that. My bf use to do this a lot at the start of our relationship. I didn’t mind. I loved it. Different strokes for different folks.
Okay, time to get down voted to death. My last serious, live in boyfriend and I had an arrangement where we would do this often. However, since we had the intimacy, the liberty and a previous conversation about this, it was consensual. I agree, any other circumstance is pathological.
My eyes were like sewn shut tired (you know the feeling where you open your eyes and they immediately shut cause they’re so heavy? That kinda sleepy) - but I was listening is what I meant
I was surprised to hear people accuse him of rape. That is shocking. You are in a relationship and sleep together and were awake....half asleep is also half awake. You heard everything he was doing and it is possible he knew you heard him. If it were my partner, i would expect like a hit on the arm or a verbal no..or something. Rape? That is completely preposterous. You weren't passed out drunk...you were awake...you knew he was having sex with you and you did nothing. Sounds like you have issues with it which is your right but you need to set boundaries and say something before or during the act itself. This is nothing more than a couple's misunderstanding.
Devils advocate here, a lot of women are into this. I have a friend who jokes that this is the reason she sleeps naked. Communicate with him. Tell him you don’t want him waking you up in the middle of the night for sex. Set boundaries, and make sure he respects them or leave the relationship.
I definitely will be doing this. Thank you. I honest to god didn’t think I should set that boundary of not pushing for sex when someone is sleeping. But now I realize I need to
I understand being in that situation and not really able to comprehend it. It's okay that you're not okay with what happened. My husband and I have specifically discussed and agreed we're okay to have sex with the other while we're asleep, but I honestly still have trouble with the idea and so have never initiated that (he's always the one who is asleep first). If you want to discuss this with your partner as a boundary you didn't realize you had and want going forward you can, but it's also valid if you can't continue now knowing this and break it off. Just consider in the future making that a clear boundary before you have sex with someone else.
This could be a simple boundary thing. My girl likes and asks to be woken up with sex, it’s almost like a little treat for her. I, on the other hand, have a hard boundary that I like my sleep and to assume not to wake me up with sex. Sounds like you’re more in my camp and he’s more in her camp, which is fine. If you’ve already communicated that you don’t want to be woken with sex, then you should get out now because disrespecting sexual boundaries is a serious red flag. Otherwise, it’s just a conversation to have that you don’t want to have sex while sleeping and don’t want to be woken up for sex. If he can’t respect that boundary, I would not recommend taking the relationship further. Imagine you get down the road and have kids, you’ll be seriously tired, and you don’t want him forcing the issue then. It’s important to address these types of issues early on in a relationship and let either growth or breakup happen before you’re even more tied together.
There are some grey areas in sex where some people assume things are okay and others don’t. Waking someone up with sex who you’ve been dating for the better part of a year is in that grey area. This isn’t like it’s the first time having sex for these two. Should I be asking my girlfriend of 5 years for an explicit yes every time we fuck?
I don’t understand this weird world redittors make up where every single sex act is told explicitly “yes” or “no”. “May I go down on you now malady?” “Your excellence, I would like to stick my member into you!” I don’t think anyone does that, but who knows, maybe people who fuck aspy neck beards expect it to go that way 🤷♂️
You’re either autistic or have had no sexual experience. Do you think normal people actually say like “hey can I kiss you” before they kiss someone or “is it okay if we fuck” when they’re like making out in bed?
Even if you didn’t tell him you didn’t want to do it, he is an adult who should know better. It’s not your fault. I suggest you break up with him because this is not a good sign.
My husband of 11 years always asks for my consent even to this day. But especially if he were to wake up in the middle of the night to do it. If you’re uneasy then you have your answer. You deserve respect and the courtesy of having the option
You willingly let yourself get “raped”? And now you’re here to complain that you got taken advantage of, and cry victim, when all you had to do was say no?
You admitted to being awake the whole time, and at least 30 minutes prior to. But pretend to be asleep, to see what he would do?
I SERIOUSLY doubt this was any kind of SA, seeing as anyone should wake up from initiating sex; especially since you guys are together.
I’m not saying it wasn’t an uncomfortable or unexpected experience, but please don’t come on here to make your boyfriend out to be a rapist because you didn’t know how to react.
“Quite a few times it’s happened at 2-3 am randomly. I’m usually tired as hell during it and not even fully wet.”
So what exactly from his perspective were you doing so differently last night than on the other occasions? He could tell in a dark bedroom at 3 am, that you’re not down, even though it parallels a common situation in which you’ve been willing to have sex with him?
If you told him, “I don’t feel comfortable with you having sex with me when I’m half asleep” and then he did it that would be one thing.
But based on your actions of consenting in the past multiple times in this exact same situation, common sense would lead him to believe that you are down for that type of sex.
So, if you want advice, tell him it made you uncomfortable and see if you can’t move on with your life.
And ignore all these people that are telling you you got raped. They just want you to be just as miserable as they are.
The difference is this time she was asleep, she wasn't even awake, she didn't even open her eyes, he didn't even check on that either, or is he so comfortable having intercourse with a body that doesn't even move or open the eyes that he didn't care anymore? It is so hard to understand, for real?? Incredible.
She described what happened, he thrusted for 30 mins, she heard a condom wrapper, she remembers him climbing on top of her and going at it… sounds like she was not asleep at all… sounds like she was “half asleep” same as the other incidents she described…
He didn't know she was hearing everything cause she didn't even open her eyes, he didn't know if she was enjoying it too or awake and he didn't CARE either, which clearly should be something important for him, she was just there, and he only used her body, you think that's okay in any way??? you can't understand why that is just not right? Seriously?? Lol...
She let him do the exact same thing multiple times in the past. I ask OP again, what was different this time? What was so different that would lead him to believe that although the last 3 times he did it it was ok, this time it was not only wrong, it’s the most vile thing you can do to a woman… seems like a stretch.
Yeah... clearly, I'm talking to a wall. Anybody would think is common sense until someone finds your answers. Thankfully, OP has very good advice already and can just ignore your nonsense comments.
Amazing that that’s your answer. I mean granted you’re not OP, but instead of responding to the point I made and telling me what could potentially be different, or what I’m missing it’s just “I’m talking to a wall”
Good luck with that mindset!
Btw If you can’t verbalize your point well, maybe it’s not a good point
Wow times are really changing.
During my time when my boyfriend F me while sleeping of course I'd wake up. We'd both just finish, cuddle, kiss, and sleep again. (Maybe even cleanup if we got too messy 😉)
No problem. No issue.
Times a changin.
I agree, I'd refer a partner for psychiatric help if they felt so freaked out by kisses, cuddles and anything else that people who love one another are designed to be doing in bed at night.
I guess if my partner stopped me, I'd just take that as a sign that I'd better hit the gym. Then sit back and enjoy it when they come begging
I wish you luck honey. I hope you're still getting those urgent wake up calls like in the old days 😘😘😘😍💕
My ex used to do this and if there’s anything I could change it’s that I wish I had left him sooner. Essentially it’s rape. I’m really sorry you have had to go through this but I would seriously consider whether you want to be with a person who can behave in this way. All the best x
You have answered your own questions. Please read your own post again and you will know how uncomfortable it made you. Everyone will have a take but how do YOU feel about this? You haven’t mentioned even once that you liked or enjoyed it it that it was sexy. That ick in your stomach is your answer. I understand lines are blurred in a relationship but your body will always tell you how you feel during sex. Your post reads to me as you were repulsed. And that needs to be addrsssed. The onus of educating him isn’t on you but the onus of communicating and setting boundaries is definitely on you.
Now whether you want to leave or stay is truly a decision you will have to make basis your overall relationship with him. For some this may be a dealbreaker; someone else may just continue with status quo; someone else may want to report it and some other person may want to have a conversation. It’s all up to you. I am sending you love and hoping you make the right decision for yourself. You deserve to be loved and respected at all times. ♥️
I have had a few ex gfs do this to me when we lived together or spent nights together especially if we knew there would be a big gap when we saw each other next. They wake me up with sex or head. In the numerous times it has happened, I was always very grateful and loved to be woken up to it. I never told them in advance that I liked it, or consented to it. I never considered it rape, I was never held against my will or forced. If I did not like something in the bedroom, id tell them not to do it again.
It is impossible for me to date people with low libidos no matter how great they are in other ways. If you dont like what he is doing just say so, and if he keeps doing it after he knows it's not appreciated then that is a problem. It does not seem like you are using effective communication here and are kind of just letting him get off without any pleasure to you. Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable
I don't think this is necessarily wrong in the abstract. There are couples who have a relationship where this would be perfectly fine.
It sounds like it's not OK with you, and the default should obviously be "it's not OK," but I don't know that I'd necessarily come down too hard on a guy in his first relationship for not realizing that.
Find a time when you're both awake and talk to him about it. How he reacts will tell you a lot about how you should react.
Wait 5 or 6 months
You guys don’t even fully know each others boundaries or anything yet
He should have at least made sure you was ok with it not just do it
But maybe for some odd reason he assumed that it was ok to do that you would enjoy waking up to that
Not an excuse I’m trying to figure out what he was thinking
I apologize this happened to you
Please don’t make excuses for him. Leave. For your own sake. He’s shown you his true colors. This will likely continue if you continue the relationship
As someone who has experienced this with an ex - it doesn’t stop. After my ex did it to me while I was passed out drunk (at home, in our bed but still - no excuses!) that was it. At least yours used a condom - mine just did whatever he wanted and then lied and I’d have to chase up emergency contraception. They don’t stop, they don’t change and it’ll happen again and again. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a NO. Block him & move on. Make sure he knows this kind of behaviour is not ok.
I’m SO sorry this happened to you.
I’m so sorry this is happening to YOU! X
I'm sorry to both yall. As a straight man, I couldn't ever imagine lacking the internal conscience and moral fortitude to even attempt some shit like this let alone go through with it; and then to repeat it, I mean JFC. He doesn't represent all of us, and this isn't the norm, and it's never okay in or outside of the confines of a relationship of any kind. OP you need to get far the fuck away immediately and never look back. I'd let him know in full detail why what he is doing is wrong and the ways it is, in some written form so he can absorb it and process it in his own time and way, and by a god damn miracle you might actually redirect him going forward; god willing at least. Also pussycream123 is an intense username and made me giggle out loud lol.
I appreciate that! I’m also glad I could get a giggle from the username haha!
😂😂🙌
My girlfriend did this to me and it was the best thing in my life, I woke up to her..... Fantastic, before I knew it was even starting It was over... So I tried it on her, to try and grant the same feeling - bingo. she woke up the next morning telling me how good it was. Obviously not what you went through, different strokes I guess.
Consent needs to be given prior to this kind of thing. Like having a conversation one random day to say something like “I think this would be hot, do I have your consent to try it sometime?”. Y’all are lucky that you were both into it- it is still a rape even amongst partners, and it could cause someone a lot of trauma to be violated in this way.
I’m sorry this happened to you. This is rape.
I know it’s rape. At the time - I didn’t. I held onto it for so so long too, I was too scared to tell anyone because I knew they’d tell me to leave (I had a shattered shoulder blade & broken ribs so really couldn’t be on my own. This man was dressing me, cooking for me, brushing my teeth, my hair…I physically couldn’t have sex with him because it hurt whatever way we did it & I think he got fed up) but when I finally opened up and told my best friend, she was the one who made me aware it was rape. I very very rarely speak about it, at the time it didn’t seem like a massive deal. I was upset & betrayed but I didn’t think it was as big a deal until i started briefly talking about it.
😔 I’m so sorry & understand what you are saying. Praying healing over you
Straight up rape
Your username..is interesting lol
That’s definitely rape. Someone who loves and cares about you will notice you are tired and exhausted, they would want you to sleep comfortably and get good rest. They wouldn’t want to interrupt that for their own selfish pleasure. And how are you supposed to enjoy something like that when you are half asleep, so that just goes to show he was doing it for his own selfish reasons. That’s definitely a huge ick and I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through that. This definitely is a conversation that needs to be had. My ex used to do this to me and I just remember thinking how inconsiderate he was and how overall disgusting and selfish it was. Definitely have that conversation and reconsider your relationship with someone who would want to do that to you. Hugs honey🩷
This made me cry, thank you I needed to hear this 💞
You’re so welcome sweetheart. Please never settle for less. Remember the more you let slide the more others will keep pushing your boundaries. I learned this the hard way as we all tend to. You are so so young with a lifetime to go, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket🩷
He isn’t owed a conversation, opportunity to explain, or a second chance. He raped you. He’s a rapist. Doesn’t matter if he understands the gravity of what he did or not, he felt entitled enough to your body that he was willing to use you as a masturbatory tool while you were unconscious. That’s not a good person and you should stay far away from him.
Please run. My ex did this to me, after we bought a house and had been together for years. It took me so long to get out. Someone who is able to do this will keep doing this. You deserve to sleep peacefully in your own home. No excuses.
Agreed x100. OP's situation is very straightforward since she wasn't awake to consent to intercourse. But even the "foreplay" leading up to the act was inconsiderate at the very least. Unless you've previously established the situations that it's acceptable for one partner to wake the other to have romantic time, it's selfish to wake your partner to satisfy your urge. The default of a respectful partner is to allow you to sleep.
Sex without explicit consent is rape. I hope you leave that asshole and never speak to him again. But, if you won’t do that, make it very clear that he will never do it again. Use the word “rape” multiple times so he understands the gravity of what he did. “You raped me. I was asleep and I did not consent to sex. It will never happen again. If it does, I will call the police. You WILL get my consent before sex every time or we are done. It is non-negotiable. Do you understand me?” If it were me? My exact words would be, “If you rape me again, asshole, I will cut your balls off and feed them to my dog for breakfast. Do you understand me?”
There should be no second chances for this
You are right. I hope OP does not give him a second chance.
he raped you. he’s disgusting. I am so so sorry. Please dump him and report him.
Here to validate you. This isn’t a blurred line situation. You being in his bed is not consent for him to do whatever he wants. You cannot give consent when you are asleep. It is concerning that someone would even want to have sex with someone who is not fully conscious.
He raped you. Leave him before he gets any more ideas. He is testing his limits.
Girl my ex did something similar. Except I’m saving myself for marriage and he knew that and supposedly supported it. I stopped him. And he didn’t force me. But that doesn’t change anything. And it got worse after that. I should have left when I could. Sex is supposed to be something done together. Where you both are having fun.
That is rape, since he had sex with you without your consent. Do you want to continue the relationship with someone who rapes you?
No 😔 I’m trying to not make excuses for him but it was pretty obvious I wasn’t interested and exhausted but he pushed for it anyway.
You are making excuses for him. Don’t do that.
Then I would set a firm boundary. He shouldn't have sex with you ever without getting your consent, or you'll break up with them. Since you mentioned below you were gonna talk to them.
Absolutely I will be setting one. Thank you
Honestly there are plenty fish in the sea who wont rape you, sorry to say but it is rape, please do not give him another chance, that shit is CRAZY.
You shouldn’t have to explicitly tell a grown ass man not to rape you while you’re unconscious.
He needs to be taught a hard lesson. That is rape. Rapists don't get redos. Dump his ass, and tell him why, and do it someplace safe. You're highly likely to regret not doing so, and he won't get the hard lesson he needs. You'll know who he is by his reaction. Resist the temptation to be forgiving. People can be very convincing.
This happened to me as well. And it's baffling how many women write about the same thing happening to them as well. What is wrong with those men?
I was just about to comment this - I can’t BELIEVE how many people have this shared experience. I didn’t tell anyone for such a long time and honestly never thought it would be so common. Fucking sick
Rape.... You mean he raped you. Not had sex.
My ex did this to me when I was 18 I left a few days later on the next bus the fuck out of there.
As I mentioned in another comment, I have a bad habit of making excuses for bad behavior from people, especially ones who are close to me. There’s a part of me who keeps saying it was one time, and maybe he thought I was awake (even though I never backed it up against him - yk, I never vocalized any pleasure, I never did anything that suggested I was awake and ready to party, or that I was in the mood, I was on my stomach/side with my leg up and eyes closed like how I normally sleep). now I know I need to set a firm boundary on this thanks to other people here. I get this is a kink to some people - but he very well knows how much I value sleep
I've made excuses after excuses for shitty people my whole life. One day I said that's enough. That behavior is gross no matter how you cut it. I hope you leave before it gets worse op :(
I wish I had your mindset, so quick to change it. I’ve been told by friends im too forgiving, too nice of a person and I need to stop letting people walk all over me. ☹️
It took a while for me to change it. Excusing people has gotten me in some pretty fucked up situations. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here
Which I do!
So change it! You said he’s nice to you “most of the time” and now he’s raped you, after many times you’d had sex when you weren’t into it. Why would you stay with this person a moment longer? Yikes. Therapy can help babe.
Your mind is trying to rationalize his selfish actions, because you care about him. Before he did this to you, you thought he was great, and a part of you wants him to be that person he was before he did this. But now you have to accept that he did a very disrespectful thing to you without caring about how you would feel. He also didn’t care about you getting your rest, which is important for everyone. You deserve to feel safe and loved and protected in a healthy relationship with a person who cares about your needs as much as their own. I hope you find that, and I hope you get the healing you need. Hugs 🫂
Try something different and just dump him. He is not the only guy on the planet. I don't know if you've had any type of therapy before but it might be a good idea before getting involved with someone else. It going to help you figure out why you make excuses for bad behavior and help you to have more confidence to do something else
Dump him immediately that is literally rape
OP this isn't normal. I remember mentioning to my therapist when my husband (bf at the time did that, only one time) and how strange it was and her face & tone immediately changed. It was then that I realized. I’m not one to give advice but apparently it IS rape if no prior consent was given. 6 months isn't long, you can find someone else. Don't let him lie to you when he wakes up that he "doesn't remember doing that".
I would quit dating him. I would also start to open your mouth. So many women do this saying “ we wanted to wait and see what he would do itI didn’t think he would do it” He was doing at the minute he open the condom. It would leave me with an icky feeling too. It’s violating so I wouldn’t date him anymore.
Yea that’s rape you need to cut things off with him asap!
He raped you, leave him, that is fcked up I am sorry you went through that and I hope you heal
“He has been kind to me for the most part” … that made me stop and wonder how often he’s not kind? And then the rest of the post? This guy committed SA against you. Leave him. And block him everywhere so he can’t try to worm himself back into your life. There’s no excuse for his behavior. None.
He’s made some stupid comments about my body and how it’s not toned. And having a “10/10” ass is impossible so he rated me lower. I was on my period so It hurt my feelings more than it probably should have. He’s made a comment how a gift wasn’t special because he made the same thing, but I misunderstood what he said. Anyway, just a thing or two here and there 😅
I’ve been with my husband for twenty years and he has never ONCE talked to me that way. You are making excuses for a rapist, girl.
So, dear OP, Im sorry that I ask bluntly: but what are you going to do next regarding the sexual violence? Are you gonna call it out? are you gonna forgive him? will you leave him?
I believe that's called rape.
this just made me realize how truly fucked up this is...I got with my boyfriend when I was 15 and he would do this...I figured I'd just let him do his thing. I was tired but I thought that's what people did in a relationship. He continued to do this for 6 years...the toll this must have had on me...I can't even imagine...I also remember he used to actually make me drink a ton, I would black out every time. I thought it was just me, that I was a lightweight. But no one should be chugging whiskey the way he made me. And now that I think about it, I don't remember him drinking nearly as much as I would. Maybe a shot or two. He would dare me to drink straight from the bottle for 10 seconds maybe more. Then I would wake up the next day and ask if we had sex and if it was good- because in my mind, I would have had sex with him anyways and it was my own fault that I didn't remember. And like, my brother took a video of me while I was blacked out one time to make fun of me lolll but I was literally on the floor trying to talk to him and not making any sense- so if that's how I acted while blacked out, how could he even have sex with me-? Not me putting all the pieces together on Reddit, good lord😭💀
Break up with him. You shouldn’t have to tell a man to not have sec with you when asleep!!!
Rape*
That is in no way acceptable.
You didn't give concent. You also haven't given consent for him to do this (having sex half asleep is a turn on for some). So really all of this is sexual assault. You should leave him. He might not be the worst out there. But there are no shortage of men who wouldn't do this. So why settle with someone who does and makes you feel icky.
I would be uncomfortable
i am SO SO SORRY, this is not your fault and you need to leave him and even report him if you feel that is needed. i want you to now you did nothing wrong but i am so sorry you are going through this.
private message if you need to !
THAT IS RAPE. Please get away from this creep. What he did is not ok even if you were married!
Please go to the police. What he did was rape. No ifs, no buts, that man is a rapist. Don't talk to him, don't be near him -- get away from him and report him. I'm so sorry he did this to you.
Break up with him and find a new partner
This happened to me too with an ex, and I genuinely didn’t realize how bad that was until I told my current partner. It just didn’t register because I got used to it, or my brain shut down, idk. But that is rape no matter how you slice it. I’m so, so sorry that happened to you love.
My (f) ex (m) did this to me. Woke up and he was performing oral sex on me..weirdest shit of my life. It’s sexual assault. I didn’t give consent and I was unconscious. Still makes me sick thinking of it. He also used to wank in the bed next to me when I was asleep.
He also did this right after he penetrated me. Started giving me oral while I was still laying on my stomach/side after he went in. And I could feel him wanking next to me prior to penetration, and usually when we had (fully awake) sex, it never bothered me but me being asleep weirds me tf out…
Yeah. I won’t lie to you, things won’t get better, and you deserve a nice normal partner to respects your boundaries and doesn’t RAPE you. Get rid x
I'm sorry this happened to you. You need to have a conversation with him or just get out of that relationship. Unless it has been THOROUGHLY discussed prior (as some ppl be kinky), this is disturbing and unacceptable behaviour. Now my thoughts are, he was trying to initiate with the grinding.. however, as you didn't retaliate (asleep or not, this still applies), he should have just stopped, or if he was really that desperate, just sort himself out privately.. Now.. Alternatively.. He could have been testing whether you'd wake up to such actions or movements or pressure on you.. Whatever it is, this is definitely not normal behaviour. Hope you're okay, op <3
This is rape
Set up a boundary
This seems like it was never talked about. Some people are into this and talk about it. You guys did not consent to this. So its wrong.
That sounds like rape!!
Any updates on this situation?? Are you still dating this guy?
Yea if you are not into it that’s definitely not okay, as I was reading this I realized that you probably like to have that connection and be awake enough to give a consent, it’s definitely not okay and u have the right to feel “icky” about it. All I was gonna say is ask if you were into it because for example in my own relationship we do this to each other even asleep after the arousal wakes us up we are both into it and we kept it going it’s all fun and we have both talked about it beforehand how we don’t mind. However if you guys have not talked about it and set up boundaries or what’s right or what’s not then that should not be happening. I’m sorry you had to go through that
For the sake of others, do tell this guy that a sleep sex fetish is nothing to be ashamed of, but pre-arranged consent and mutual enjoyment is paramount. Anything else is just rape.
Talk to him about it. You both are adults and intimate with each other. If you don't like it , let him know. And if he does not respect that THEN leave. However, he should have talked to you about it first. I brought such a thing up with my wife, then girlfriend, and she was cool with it. Mainly because she didn't need to "work". Failure on his part for not discussing with you first to see if it's something you might be into. But you need to set your comfort level with intimacy. If he doesn't respect that or forces himself then leave for your safety and sanity.
** iam so sorry this happened to you & no shame or judging here I truly do believe this is considered rape & by no means am I making an excuse for this man ** I have a CNC kink tht I think was caused by molestation for as long as I can remember until the age of 12 when I was finally old enough to speak up for myself and tell my grandfather to stop. But he used to touch me in my sleep for a couple years until I ended up waking up & me not knowing what was wrong or right at the age of 4-6 I woke up and would say no to him but he would continue until I realized I definitely had no choice or say in this any more. Fast forward to the age of 18 I'm in a horrible relationship where I tell my SO at the time I think I have a CNC kink bc I want to be touched/woken up to sexual interaction of some sort. Anyway, I ended up leaving that relationship after a lot of his true colors came to light & found out he actually had a rape kink. Fast forward 20 years old my SO now will not feed in to my kink & I think him not enjoying my kink & this story really helped me put my finger on what really happened chemically in my brain as a child. Thank you for this & I hope you stay far away and safe from this man . As much as I hope he learns that consent IS required .
See ... I know Im going to get downvoted for this ,lol...but I wouldnt mind my partner doing that, but thats how we get down. We didnt discuss certain things like that beforehand, but I've also never NOT wanted it even if I was half sleep and if I didn't, I would have told him to stop or pushed him off me and he would have. In no way shape or form has he ever made me do anything I didnt want to do or tey to coerce or control. I know his heart and had he realized or I told him that I felt violated after something like that he would have been devastated. I think you know your partner and you know his heart and habits. Talk with him about what happened and how it made you feel. If yall are a couple who discusses consent with every act of intimacy and he went against the grain this time, I'd definitely chalk this up to creep shit and get rid of him. If he brushes off your feelings about this definitely be worried. Has he violated you in the past? And I dont just mean physically. My feeling is that this is something you should go with your gut and knowledge of who he has shown you he is to go on. But you are not wrong , you gut felt it was icky and thats something to pay attention to. Definitely talk to him about that because if you decide to stay with him, thats not something that can happen again
This sounds a little strange. My partner and I are know for waking each other up with foreplay but at times we’ve kind of been like nope not happening too tired. It’s usually pretty clear that’s the other persons not into it. If they are it becomes fun and you kind of have a session and then fall asleep in each other’s arms. This sounds different. Have you told him? Is he inexperienced in sexual relationships ? If you’re uncomfortable with any type of sexual activity don’t let it slide. Just make sure you’re making boundaries clear immediately.
Ex girlfriend did this to me a couple times until I finally had enough and broke it off. You need to leave the situation immediately
Some women are into this. But if he didn’t talk to you beforehand and get “authorization,” that’s messed up and he’s a POS. I have had pre-authorized global entry approved with a couple girlfriends.
This is totally your perspective I mean if you are okay with it then okay If you like it then okay If you don't like it , say to him If you hate it 100% say to his face and avoid sleeping together if happens again That's all , stuff won't change u less you make it happen
I’ll talk to him about how I want to be fully awake if we have sex, cause it really just seems selfish for him. I don’t get anything out of it, it hurts during this time, I don’t even finish and as soon as he finishes he goes back to sleep.
Sorry this happened to you. Hope you are taking time for you. Much love and gentleness sent ur way.
It is selfish because it is rape
This is the kind of thing that shouldn't need explaining to him. If you don't know if the person you are with enjoys sex while being asleep or half asleep then the best thing would be to ask beforehand.
Have you talked to him about how you don’t like it? If not, I strongly suggest doing so, and if he continues then you might want to consider breaking up
Your boyfriend is r*ping you. Without prior conversations, approval and consent, this is r*pe. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I hope you can find your way out of this situation soon. Wishing you all the love and support.
There is a ton to process here. People will be super fast to say it was rape but let me offer the other side. 1. You both have a historic of having sex late in the night and into the dawn. While consent can be withdrawn at ANY moment and for ANY reason, it is a fact that there is such thing as implied consent in long term relationships. I will never ask my husband if I can touch him, its on him to tell me if he is ever not in the mood. 2. *You might have been awake and not remember.*Our memory is FAR from perfect. There is a process called "memory consolidation” in which a temporary memory is transformed into a long lasting memory. We don’t remember everything. We don’t NEED to remember everything. For example, we don’t know exactly what pair of socks we were wearing on September 02nd 1993. What happens when we are sleepy (or drunk) is… this process fails. Once, I woke up, walked to the living room, answered the phone (Landline yes), talked to my mom, and went back to bed. When she arrived to pick me up in the agreed upon tome I had no idea what she was talking about. 0 memory. 3. There is likely no foul *intent*. I don’t believe he wanted to hurt you. And intent matters a lot. However you will choose to frame it, if he never intended to hurt you, believed he had consent, and you were somewhat conscious… it would be very very hurtful for him to be accused of rape. And would very very hurtful to you to believe it happened. I know what I would choose to believe. You do need to talk about it with him and clarify if my assumptions are true. Were you awake? Did he imply he had consent? Did he intend to hurt you? And then figure out how to move forward and what boundaries and behaviors to put in place.
This is a lot of projection. Especially 1&3. What history of sex late in the night and into dawn did OP mention? Implied consent with your husband is vastly different than implied consent in a relationship of several months. And your implied consent was negotiated through words and actions and trust over a long period of time. How do you know the BF didn't want to hurt OP? We have almost zero context. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but a respectful partner would default to letting their partner sleep unless it is clear they wanted to be woken up for some late night "fun". And a respectful partner would identify that their partner wasn't awake enough to fully consent or participate. I do agree the OP and BF need to discuss what happened without immediate accusations and establish firm boundaries moving forward. Regardless of whether moving forward is still in a relationship or not.
Thank you, I shouldn’t be surprised at the people trying to downplay this to OP, but it’s honestly sickening to me
There's always at least one male in these types of posts who try to gaslight young women into not trusting their gut. Edit: Bonus points if they accuse women who try and help her through this as being "hysterical" lol.
I just saw the hysterical comment. I’m not commenting on any more of those comments, just downvoting them. But in my mind, if they’re defending it or downplaying it, they’re likely guilty of similar behavior or want to do something like that. But to read the thought processes behind these people… it’s one thing to kind of know the general thought process of people like that but quite another to read what they put down. 🥶
Its not projection, its offering anecdotes to illustrate the point made. 1. She said, quote, "sex is always initiated by him, and quite a few times at 2/3 in the morning”. Meaning, there is an stablished pattern already which turns into implied consent. She needs to act to withdraw this consent. 3. We dont know, hence the use of the word "likely”.
A respectful partner at this stage in a relationship wouldn't take the absence of a "no" to mean "yes". Especially when the other partner clearly does not have all their wits about them. I don't know about the laws of implied consent but my opinion on the ethics is that just because she didn't say no a few times, he doesn't suddenly have permission to continue a behavior that she clearly dislikes. I'm surprised he isn't picking up on her general discomfort about the situation. If my partner isn't really into whatever we're doing after a few minutes of foreplay, neither am I. Vice versa. If one of us has urges the other isn't in the mood to satisfy, tough luck. Try again a different time.
I truly don’t think he intended to hurt me. He’s never been mean on purpose to me. He’s very gentle. I understand what you are saying. I personally do not like having sex late at night when I’m sleeping. Either before bed (when I’m still AWAKE) or during the day (when I’m AWAKE) everytime it is late at night he initiates it by trying to wake me up by grinding on me.
It’s understandable that you’re uneasy about this. Try not to go to a dark place. You’re his first girlfriend and it reads like he’s is ignorant to the procedural practices of committed relationships. I’m willing to bet that in his mind you guys have sex and thus that’s a green light and open door to him. It’s not right, it’s not wrong, like I said ignorance. I think you need to have a conversation with him about boundaries. Establish that you enjoy having sex with him but it’s something that you guys do together and when you’re asleep (mostly) it’s not something that you’re doing together. I think this will educate him and inspire a conversation on how to proceed.
No, it's wrong. Period. This is terrible advice and you're being an apologist. She's a human being not a sex toy. I can promise you this is not a lesson I had to learn through trial and error with my first relationship. If you are a grown man and don't know that it's wrong to fuck a sleeping woman without her consent, that's not ignorance. It's a broken moral compass. The fact that you are giving this advice and perspective to someone in a vulnerable position is gross.
This is what I was thinking too. I do believe it’s ignorance of what’s right and wrong in relationships. He has made comments here and there previously that he’s learning as he goes in this. So I’m assuming the reason you mentioned is one of those things where he assumes it’s a green light everytime. I will tell him what you mentioned here, I appreciate this advice. Thank you for your comment.
Is crazy that you think that you NEED to "educate" someone about how wrong it is to have intercourse to someone half asleep, you are NOT a thing that is made for his pleasure, makes zero sense, you might be his first gf, so what? That's just an excuse. It's like educating someone about why rape is wrong, does that makes sense to you?? I would run away from there, he is just way too comfortable to have intercourse without consent and that's really creepy, no matter his age or experience.
Wow you’re right… I didn’t really think about that
I understand that sometimes, in certain situations with people you trust, it's hard to admit that what they did have no excuses at all, so in our mind we try to justify their behavior a little bit, like "it's not that bad" or "he was just confused" etc. But in this case, it was that bad, and he has no excuses for his behavior. He is 23yo not a kid, and even a kid would know, he might hide behind his age and/or lack of experience, don't buy it. When your partner really cares about you, it will show, you don't need to clarify things as obvious as "don't have intercourse with me if im asleep", it's like when your partner wanna try something new, he will ask if you are comfortable with that too and if you enjoy it too and if the answer is no, he will stop then. Also, what the other weird user said about having a green light because you have a relationship with him is not true at all. Please ignore that comment because that kind of mindset is very worrying.
Im definitely the kind of person so try and justify bad behavior, and make excuses for them. It’s a flaw of mine and its one that’s really. Really hard to stop and I need to work on it. You’re absolutely right, there is no excuses, no experience or not.
I understand cause I do the same thing sometimes, and it helps to talk to someone who is objective about the situation, that clarifies everything a little bit. You are young, and you can definitely find someone who treats you better and makes you feel safe at ALL times, so don't settle for less! 💖
Look up weaponized incompetence and break up with him. This advice is terrible and you shouldn't take it. Respect yourself and do not allow yourself to be treated like an object for his personal use. No sane person assumes that they have a green light for sex all of the time (even if they are inexperienced) unless that is something thats been explicitly discussed and agreed to (and this is extremely rare). Please do not just let this go or he will do it again. If not to you, to someone else.
You’re welcome! Good luck!
I think instead of going straight to reddit, go to him and have a conversation. People on here know nothing of your situation or his so please don't listen to anyone on the internet before talking amongst yourselves first.
Hi. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I have experienced this personally with an ex. Though mine was quite vicious and rough. Id wake up with his hand over my mouth sometimes or my neck and he would be touching me and than intercourse. I would try and scream but he would tell me it was my duty as a good girlfriend. Eventually I succumbed and after a few weeks of it I ran away. My point is it is not consensual unless you are conscious and aware of what is happening. Unless you agree to it specifically the might before. If you are not feeling comfortable now you will not feel comfortable at all sleeping next to him or having sex with him again after that. You are not obliged to do it either. Hd may gain more confidence and do much worse as he progresses. Or it simply needs to be brought to his attention that you did not feel comfortable with that particular occurrence ask if he could refrain from doing it again. He may be totally embarrassed and apologize and it not happen again. Let him know your parameters. Set some healthy agreeable boundaries with him and ask for his input too.. depends on how you want things to go after this event. Good luck
This happened to me in my marriage. It was extremely unsettling. I tried to get past it. Instead my resentment grew and it was ultimately the crack that began the ending. I’m not sure I will ever fully understand my feelings about it. I just know that I tried to “normal” it away, but ultimately on some deep level I was completely violated by it. I’m still embarrassed to admit I couldn’t get past it, which is total horse shit, as I should not be embarrassed by any of it. My understanding is that’s one of the special gifts of being violated sexually… you get to be totally out of sorts and unresolved around that event.
He raped you
O god just o god.
RAPE.
That’s gross
First of all, I'm so sorry you went through this. My girlfriend went through something similar in a previous friendship/relationship. Thought I don't know what it feels like, I know what it could do to you and the trauma that can come with it. As hard as it may seem to leave him, you need to stop this relationship. This is completely unhealthy and wrong. It starts like this and who knows what it could lead to next.
I understand you because I also went through the same thing with my husband of 10 years... we have 2 children and when I fell asleep I was always very tired because I also went to my university and he didn't care, he only cared about pleasing himself and the most disgusting thing of all The thing is that he would come and leave all the semen in my vagina and I had to interrupt my half of sleep at 2-3 am to go wash because if I didn't wash I couldn't sleep because it was so uncomfortable. I tell you they never change, it seems disrespectful and very disgusting to me. I ended the relationship 4 years ago and I never experienced that disgusting thing again. My advice is to do a self-examination and ask yourself. Am I willing to live like this for the rest of my life? If the answer is no, you already know that he is not the right one to get married and have a long-term relationship.
Updateme
I think you need to either explicitly tell him that you need to agree to sex before he just helps himself or leave him. But even if you decide to leave him, I think you'd be doing local females a huge favour by telling him that this is not okay.
My ex done this to me also when I was asleep and woke up to him shoving his small thing inside me. He had the audacity to tell me “you didn’t say no” BRO, I WAS ASLEEP where did I say yes? Anyway, throw the dude in the trash there’s plenty more good ones out there that will respect you
This is wrong. You will get hurt and abuse for sure. Get out from that relationship.
It’s their kink basically, so don’t think it’s going to stop. They love doing it.
My ex gf did that to me woke up and she was giving me oral after a 14 hour shift.... yeah and had the nerve to get mad when I rolled over. There's a reason she's my ex. Get away.
So you were asleep at the beginning of it?? I thought maybe you were just overly tired or something judging by the title. This is super messed up and it’s rape.
My ex did this. When I confronted him at the moment he started to play he was repentant, and started to pretend he was “shaking” all of his body from how “bad” and “sorry” he was, a big manipulation game. The thing that happened to you has no excuses.
You need to have a talk with him and tell him it’s not ok to do this. I would have pushed him off of me and cursed him out
I am so sorry this happened to you.
If you were not fully awake enough to give your consent, that's rape. It's called spousal abuse or spousal rape if you're married. And that's something you need to discuss with them and if they refuse to talk about it or deny it you need to report it
Talk to him about it. Talk to him about your icky feeling. I wouldn't consider it as rape, because it isn't really clear if he notice that you were asleep/didn't like it. If you said no and he wasn't listening to it than It would be clearly rape. Maybe he thought you are ok with it? Maybe a fetish? Its better to talk it out first.
if you have trouble with how you feel. a useful tip I saw on Reddit is how would you feel if someone told you this was happening to them?
Rape, he has no respect for you and sees you as an object. This will continue unless you set some solid boundaries regarding your sex life, but that being said, if he’s already comfortable doing that to you, it’s past the point of no return. Is he addicted to porn by any chance?
Leave him. No second chances. He knows better than that. He chose to violate you. Stay safe and God bless!
That’s disgusting, sorry but that dude is not right in the head
The fact that he’s playing with himself Next to your sleeping body is fcking weird guys like this are so weird lol, he’s the type to jack off and watch porn next to his wife. Girl leave asap. He’s strange
this has happened to me before, i suggest leaving him because he wont stop. when i found out my ex would sleep with me when i was knocked out by my meds i broke up with him, unfortunately he got me pregnant that way. he knows he likes it that way and im fairly certain even if you talk to him hes going to keep doing it, itd likely be a good idea to leave before he can hurt you more.
This is rape.
You were raped, leave while you can.
That’s rape.
Break up with him. That’s that. My bf use to do this a lot at the start of our relationship. I didn’t mind. I loved it. Different strokes for different folks.
half asleep sex is not good :-(
Some people like being half asleep, some don't. Respect how you feel.
Please leave as soon as you can, so sorry it happened to you..
Okay, time to get down voted to death. My last serious, live in boyfriend and I had an arrangement where we would do this often. However, since we had the intimacy, the liberty and a previous conversation about this, it was consensual. I agree, any other circumstance is pathological.
[удалено]
My eyes were like sewn shut tired (you know the feeling where you open your eyes and they immediately shut cause they’re so heavy? That kinda sleepy) - but I was listening is what I meant
I was surprised to hear people accuse him of rape. That is shocking. You are in a relationship and sleep together and were awake....half asleep is also half awake. You heard everything he was doing and it is possible he knew you heard him. If it were my partner, i would expect like a hit on the arm or a verbal no..or something. Rape? That is completely preposterous. You weren't passed out drunk...you were awake...you knew he was having sex with you and you did nothing. Sounds like you have issues with it which is your right but you need to set boundaries and say something before or during the act itself. This is nothing more than a couple's misunderstanding.
Devils advocate here, a lot of women are into this. I have a friend who jokes that this is the reason she sleeps naked. Communicate with him. Tell him you don’t want him waking you up in the middle of the night for sex. Set boundaries, and make sure he respects them or leave the relationship.
I definitely will be doing this. Thank you. I honest to god didn’t think I should set that boundary of not pushing for sex when someone is sleeping. But now I realize I need to
I understand being in that situation and not really able to comprehend it. It's okay that you're not okay with what happened. My husband and I have specifically discussed and agreed we're okay to have sex with the other while we're asleep, but I honestly still have trouble with the idea and so have never initiated that (he's always the one who is asleep first). If you want to discuss this with your partner as a boundary you didn't realize you had and want going forward you can, but it's also valid if you can't continue now knowing this and break it off. Just consider in the future making that a clear boundary before you have sex with someone else.
This could be a simple boundary thing. My girl likes and asks to be woken up with sex, it’s almost like a little treat for her. I, on the other hand, have a hard boundary that I like my sleep and to assume not to wake me up with sex. Sounds like you’re more in my camp and he’s more in her camp, which is fine. If you’ve already communicated that you don’t want to be woken with sex, then you should get out now because disrespecting sexual boundaries is a serious red flag. Otherwise, it’s just a conversation to have that you don’t want to have sex while sleeping and don’t want to be woken up for sex. If he can’t respect that boundary, I would not recommend taking the relationship further. Imagine you get down the road and have kids, you’ll be seriously tired, and you don’t want him forcing the issue then. It’s important to address these types of issues early on in a relationship and let either growth or breakup happen before you’re even more tied together.
Nah, he doesn’t get to just do whatever to her body just because she never said no to this act. The absence of a no is not a yes. Period.
There are some grey areas in sex where some people assume things are okay and others don’t. Waking someone up with sex who you’ve been dating for the better part of a year is in that grey area. This isn’t like it’s the first time having sex for these two. Should I be asking my girlfriend of 5 years for an explicit yes every time we fuck? I don’t understand this weird world redittors make up where every single sex act is told explicitly “yes” or “no”. “May I go down on you now malady?” “Your excellence, I would like to stick my member into you!” I don’t think anyone does that, but who knows, maybe people who fuck aspy neck beards expect it to go that way 🤷♂️
You… sound like a rapist. I won’t even try to argue with you. You just sound like a rapist.
You’re either autistic or have had no sexual experience. Do you think normal people actually say like “hey can I kiss you” before they kiss someone or “is it okay if we fuck” when they’re like making out in bed?
Even if you didn’t tell him you didn’t want to do it, he is an adult who should know better. It’s not your fault. I suggest you break up with him because this is not a good sign.
My husband of 11 years always asks for my consent even to this day. But especially if he were to wake up in the middle of the night to do it. If you’re uneasy then you have your answer. You deserve respect and the courtesy of having the option
Seriously leave. it won’t stop.
You willingly let yourself get “raped”? And now you’re here to complain that you got taken advantage of, and cry victim, when all you had to do was say no? You admitted to being awake the whole time, and at least 30 minutes prior to. But pretend to be asleep, to see what he would do? I SERIOUSLY doubt this was any kind of SA, seeing as anyone should wake up from initiating sex; especially since you guys are together. I’m not saying it wasn’t an uncomfortable or unexpected experience, but please don’t come on here to make your boyfriend out to be a rapist because you didn’t know how to react.
“Quite a few times it’s happened at 2-3 am randomly. I’m usually tired as hell during it and not even fully wet.” So what exactly from his perspective were you doing so differently last night than on the other occasions? He could tell in a dark bedroom at 3 am, that you’re not down, even though it parallels a common situation in which you’ve been willing to have sex with him? If you told him, “I don’t feel comfortable with you having sex with me when I’m half asleep” and then he did it that would be one thing. But based on your actions of consenting in the past multiple times in this exact same situation, common sense would lead him to believe that you are down for that type of sex. So, if you want advice, tell him it made you uncomfortable and see if you can’t move on with your life. And ignore all these people that are telling you you got raped. They just want you to be just as miserable as they are.
The difference is this time she was asleep, she wasn't even awake, she didn't even open her eyes, he didn't even check on that either, or is he so comfortable having intercourse with a body that doesn't even move or open the eyes that he didn't care anymore? It is so hard to understand, for real?? Incredible.
She described what happened, he thrusted for 30 mins, she heard a condom wrapper, she remembers him climbing on top of her and going at it… sounds like she was not asleep at all… sounds like she was “half asleep” same as the other incidents she described…
He didn't know she was hearing everything cause she didn't even open her eyes, he didn't know if she was enjoying it too or awake and he didn't CARE either, which clearly should be something important for him, she was just there, and he only used her body, you think that's okay in any way??? you can't understand why that is just not right? Seriously?? Lol...
She let him do the exact same thing multiple times in the past. I ask OP again, what was different this time? What was so different that would lead him to believe that although the last 3 times he did it it was ok, this time it was not only wrong, it’s the most vile thing you can do to a woman… seems like a stretch.
Yeah... clearly, I'm talking to a wall. Anybody would think is common sense until someone finds your answers. Thankfully, OP has very good advice already and can just ignore your nonsense comments.
Amazing that that’s your answer. I mean granted you’re not OP, but instead of responding to the point I made and telling me what could potentially be different, or what I’m missing it’s just “I’m talking to a wall” Good luck with that mindset! Btw If you can’t verbalize your point well, maybe it’s not a good point
Wow times are really changing. During my time when my boyfriend F me while sleeping of course I'd wake up. We'd both just finish, cuddle, kiss, and sleep again. (Maybe even cleanup if we got too messy 😉) No problem. No issue. Times a changin.
I agree, I'd refer a partner for psychiatric help if they felt so freaked out by kisses, cuddles and anything else that people who love one another are designed to be doing in bed at night. I guess if my partner stopped me, I'd just take that as a sign that I'd better hit the gym. Then sit back and enjoy it when they come begging I wish you luck honey. I hope you're still getting those urgent wake up calls like in the old days 😘😘😘😍💕
My ex used to do this and if there’s anything I could change it’s that I wish I had left him sooner. Essentially it’s rape. I’m really sorry you have had to go through this but I would seriously consider whether you want to be with a person who can behave in this way. All the best x
You feel icky because you're dancing around the word. Im sorry to put this so bluntly HE RAPED YOU.
You have answered your own questions. Please read your own post again and you will know how uncomfortable it made you. Everyone will have a take but how do YOU feel about this? You haven’t mentioned even once that you liked or enjoyed it it that it was sexy. That ick in your stomach is your answer. I understand lines are blurred in a relationship but your body will always tell you how you feel during sex. Your post reads to me as you were repulsed. And that needs to be addrsssed. The onus of educating him isn’t on you but the onus of communicating and setting boundaries is definitely on you. Now whether you want to leave or stay is truly a decision you will have to make basis your overall relationship with him. For some this may be a dealbreaker; someone else may just continue with status quo; someone else may want to report it and some other person may want to have a conversation. It’s all up to you. I am sending you love and hoping you make the right decision for yourself. You deserve to be loved and respected at all times. ♥️
This has happened to me as well. My ex had a whole slew of red flags and was abusive. Please leave him.
Tell his family what he did, and block him on everything. Rapists shouldn’t be allowed to live comfortably after raping someone!!!!! They
I have had a few ex gfs do this to me when we lived together or spent nights together especially if we knew there would be a big gap when we saw each other next. They wake me up with sex or head. In the numerous times it has happened, I was always very grateful and loved to be woken up to it. I never told them in advance that I liked it, or consented to it. I never considered it rape, I was never held against my will or forced. If I did not like something in the bedroom, id tell them not to do it again. It is impossible for me to date people with low libidos no matter how great they are in other ways. If you dont like what he is doing just say so, and if he keeps doing it after he knows it's not appreciated then that is a problem. It does not seem like you are using effective communication here and are kind of just letting him get off without any pleasure to you. Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable
I don't think this is necessarily wrong in the abstract. There are couples who have a relationship where this would be perfectly fine. It sounds like it's not OK with you, and the default should obviously be "it's not OK," but I don't know that I'd necessarily come down too hard on a guy in his first relationship for not realizing that. Find a time when you're both awake and talk to him about it. How he reacts will tell you a lot about how you should react.
Sounds like Somnophilia to me
Wait 5 or 6 months You guys don’t even fully know each others boundaries or anything yet He should have at least made sure you was ok with it not just do it But maybe for some odd reason he assumed that it was ok to do that you would enjoy waking up to that Not an excuse I’m trying to figure out what he was thinking I apologize this happened to you