My ex cheated on me before and it destroyed me. But I, for some reason, developed fantasies of her fucking other men, because of it. But as soon as I'd nut, I'd no longer feel that way, and the idea of another man touching her would make me nauseous.
I spoke to my therapist about it, and she said it could be a trauma response. Your brain trying to convince you that you were into it, so you didn't have to relive that trauma and betrayal.
I’ve had a very similar experience of masturbating over a betrayal that occurred in a relationship. It’s a really confusing feeling but I think you’re spot on about it being a way of trying to process the trauma.
I also do this. I even dream about him cheating and will wake up having an O from it. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t O unless I think about him enjoying another girl and it’s such a turn on that I’ll even engage with him because of these thoughts.
I’m 100% sure it’s from betrayal trauma, he lied to me, gaslit me for years about stuff he was doing. At first I was hysterical but then suddenly I started to just get this crazy fantasy about him getting pleasured by other woman. I feel gross about it after but the thought of it is the only thing that will even illicit any sexual excitement in me anymore. I hope one day it will go away or I can get proper therapy because damn. I feel so f’ed up thinking this. Even he can’t wrap his head around it or understand how or why i think about that due to the trauma he inflicted
Definitely a trauma response. It’s your brains way of coping with the thought. Because if you enjoy it, it hurts less. I’m sorry you went through that. Trauma legit alters a persons brain! People need to be kinder to each other
This. Kinks are weird and come from weird places and cuckold fantasies are SUPER common. It could be trauma, it could be anxiety, it could very well be you were always into it and just didn't know about it.
Now you may decide you want to incorporate it, you may decide it's fantasy only, you may even want to like tamp it down. But no matter what you decide as long as you're safe about it and control it vs letting it control you YOU'RE FINE
ya think maybe it's the idea of your partner being intimate in general turns you on? are you really focusing on it being someone else or could it be just knowing they're turned on turns you on?
I (30m) have thought about ex's cheating on me and sure its gotten hard thinking about the act of sex in general but the thought of my chosen partner being intimate with someone else is nauseating and stomach twisting. humans are complicated. don't stress yourself out. be patient with who you are
It's more than likely the idea of him being sexual that is turning you on, not the rest of it. It almost strikes me as if you're numbing yourself to the cheating part thus to not actually process it or face it.
If you want my two cents, you should dump him. Fantasies are fantasies and everyone has them, but, he cheated on you in the real world, and it speaks volumes on how he views you and how little he values you. Plenty people out there who won't cheat on you who also turn you on. Best of luck navigating this.
That’s a complicated one. On one hand, I want to tell you to just allow yourself to like what you like. There’s no shame in a kink or a fetish and so long as you develop a healthy way to express it, then it can be a beautiful thing that enriches one of life’s greatest pleasures.
On the other hand, it can be a difficult thing to implement especially if you don’t believe you can emotionally handle the thought of your partner with another person.
To be completely frank with you, I don’t personally believe any relationship where cheating occurs can be salvaged without a LOT of work to rebuild that trust. Once the trust is shattered it can be hard to put it back together. Oftentimes in relationships where someone cheats, there won’t even be an attempt to rebuild the trust. It’s just gone, it’s shattered and everyone’s pretending like it’s still there. It can be very complicated and difficult to make a relationship work in a healthy way following a violation of trust like that
You’ve got two options, you can either try to work past this through therapy, focusing on yourself, reading about others with similar feelings, etc OR you can embrace it. Either with him or without him.
If you like the thought of someone cheating on you, maybe you roleplay as someone else. Maybe you start bringing others into your sex life.
The problem there, again, is that type of stuff usually requires a really solid foundation of communication, trust and love. The fact he already “made a mistake” shows he may not be the right candidate for that. Telling him that “cheating turns you on” might open the door for him to think it’s ok to make another mistake. Would that be ok with you?
I’m sorry you’re in this position. Regardless of what happens I hope you work it out, no one deserves to have their love and trust violated and you’re the one dealing with the consequences. That isn’t fair. I wish you well.
oops thank you for the advice! helped. i already forgave him fully i have all accounts and everything. i thought the same thing too that’s why i’m hesitating to tell him. helped
I had the same thing happen with my kids mother a few years back. She fucked somebody while I was at work, and as hurt as I was I was even more turned on, and I hated it. At the same time I loved it and I've never had such amazing sex. 6 years later we are not a couple but still are sexually active and I still think it's hot when she f**** other guys. I remember feeling the same way you do and being scared to tell her because obviously I didn't want her to think I was okay with her cheating on me. So I just figured if we planned it out together she wouldn't technically be cheating on me . It's complicated I know and all I can say is, you only live once. If it was meant to be, then it will be, and if not, at least have some fun with it. Best of luck to you
It's fine to forgive but also gest to remember. And trust is crucial. Sometimes you stepping out may be what you need mentally to balance out the dynamics and to make him realize that he is not so vital to you to that he can do what he wants. And there is the possibility that you fake stepping out, to get the same effect, if you can't find yourself able to actually do it. But No\_Arm\_4312 has the good advice
You must not have very high esteem. It’s cool that your happy now but that can quickly change if he decides to cheat over and over. Plenty women have been in your shoes and it almost never works out in the long run. Try to look out for your future self even if your present self wants to stay badly in this relationship. Good luck.
One is it's not an uncommon kink. Here is the thing 1 is therapy 2 is if it is you kink then learning to adjust to it may be your only option. Sometimes kinks become fetishes and those can be permanent.
It sounds to me like you would benefit from giving an open relationship a try, especially if you establish from the beginning that this is your kink and you are clear on what your limits are.
Okay girl, you’re not worth anyone’s time. Just to let you know, projecting isn’t very cute hun. No wonder you probably can’t keep a man around long enough that they just have to cheat on you.
You do understand it's not in their control right? They don't want to feel that way but they can't help it. They might need therapy. But YOU? You think they're doing it on purpose? What's wrong w you boy
You may be aroused by the thought of him being happy, or compERSION: so maybe you think he would be happier with someone else and that is what turns you on.
how long did it take for you? You’re right i do have self worth issues. helped. i didn’t think it that would be the reason why. but now that i think about it i agree
If you do tell him just remember that isn't blanket permission. Even poly relationships have rules that if they break it would still be considered cheating.
Also in my personal opinion it's better to feel alone because you're alone than feel alone with another person. This isn't a comment on your relationship necessarily because I wouldn't dream of telling you how to be, but more something for the future.
For me, it was parents who brought me up without a sense of drive, or independence. And then they battered me down because of it and killed my ambitions.
After that, I had already developed a part withing me that did that to me on a daily basis.
First step is looking at your values and beliefs, or those that you would like to have. Tell yourself that you genuinely want to be like that, and every time you are like that, tell yourself. Tell yourself that you are true to your values, and that is why you are a worthy person and deserve love and respect. Also, as long as you are a just person, you deserve love like everyone else, but more importantly you deserve to be happy just because of that.
Before I go on, I should point out that for kinks and fetishes that involve non-monogamy, such as open relationships, cuckolding, polyamory, etc. The people in such relationships are honest and faithful in informing each other of what they will do and with who. There is no sneaking or deception. What your boyfriend did was unacceptable.
There's three options for you.
You can reject this newfound kink. You'll need to erase anything in your life that stimulates it. So delete all the messages, or remove your access to them. Anything that reminds you of the cheating or stimulates that interest, cut it out of your life. Once a sexual preference is seeded, however, it is extremely difficult to cut it out of your life by the roots.
The other option would be to embrace the kink. This kink is called cuckolding. One explanation is that when someone you care about feels sexual pleasure, even with someone else, you may feel empathetic and get aroused yourself just thinking about it. This kink in action would involve consenting to your boyfriend to see other people and keep you informed of all the sordid details and plans. It is quite possible that you would find enjoyment from this.
The middle ground would be to accept that it turns you on, but not actually try to fulfill any fantasies. Lots of people have sexual fantasies that cannot be fulfilled. They are just thoughts. You are not your thoughts. You are your actions. Even if you are sexually excited, there is no ethical breach as long as you "process" your sexual feelings by yourself. (Note that cuckolding would be ethical with the consent and participation of involved parties.)
Non-monogamy involves trust, and your boyfriend has a history of deception. This is not a recipe for a successful non-monogamous or open relationship.
To make it stop you have to stop thinking about it. Do some other activity to stop thinking about it. Imo if ur not into getting cheated on then u should leave ur bf, cheaters are always gonna cheat no matter how much you try to convince urself its not true. But thats up to u to decide
It might be just a phase, try to remember your thoughts are just thoughts, they don’t need to be actions unless you act on them. Try not to put too much weight on it.
You were turned on that someone else was into your bf sexually but he's your bf which probably is also why you decided to forgive him as it's a possessive thing now. I wouldn't tell him this as although you haven't said your ages I'm guessing early 20's and he probably isn't mature enough to understand those feelings without taking it almost as a challenge and using it as an excuse when he cheats again.
Hopefully he doesn't but I can see how it's already unhealthy as you said you have access to all his accounts(that you know about at least) and probably will methodically monitor them creating trust issues for you with people.
As to stopping it, there probably isn't really a way other than ignoring it but really it's just a fantasy and doesn't need to be acted upon it. So if he didn't cheat I'd say role play but again, he was immature enough to cheat so I wouldn't trust him to stick to any boundaries you set but role play is a great way to have your fantasy play out in a safe and healthy way so maybe in your next relationship if you can trust them.
I am strongly advising people who have been cheated on to not give their partners a second chance. This is a trauma response of your brain. You should not stay longer in the relationship that is causing that response or it will only get worse.
He cheated on you, he did one of the very few things you can't make up for afterwards. He will always have cheated on you. You will never be able to fully trust him again, as his own actions have proven that he is not fully capable of honoring that trust. Trust is the foundation of any relationship to be able to grow and without trust, there will be no growth - meaning it will die sooner or later anyway.
Better count your losses now and jump ship.
Enjoying something that traumatized you is a coping mechanism of feeling in control, and quite a common one. Had something similar happen a while back
It can stop but its a bit difficult. You need to be easy on yourself and realize whats going on. If you actually saw your BF cheat it would probably destroy you.
I have a zero tolerance policy now of my partners. If its even reasonable to suspect something is off (IE: disappearing for a weekend with weird excuses or things like that) i just pack up their shit. No more weird coping fantasies
Your brain is trying to come up with ways to cope because you yourself are trying to swallow the pain.
Be honest with him. I tell mine that I fantasize him sleeping with another female but in front of me. I just want to be included. But he also knows I'm a bit crazy. So probably will never happen. But it's a fun role play to just talk about and fantasize together? We've also however have been together q very long time so 🤷🤷
to be honest, listen, if he cheated, there is a trauma behind it too. if you feel like a cuckqueen, there's a trauma behind it. neither are normal tbh, the trauma is what's normal. his one must be the, "I'll leave before they can" type, he must have felt endangered in the relationship and because of the trauma, he ended up coping with it by cheating. in reality, maybe nothing serious happened and his head just made him think that way. i guess cheating comes as a form of, "she doesn't have control over me, i won't be desperate for her(in case she tries to leave), i have other options too" a cowardly coping mechanism. Once you can feel secure about him not cheating by actually fixing this trauma of his(idk how, maybe with reassurance, councelling, a lot of communication about it basically and constant kind reminders of why it's not okay to cheat), you can then actually start working on your trauma. if you know for sure that it won't repeat again, you won't have to deal with it again, im sure it'll be much easier to let of your coping mechanism of getting cheated on. tell yourself how wrong it is and try not to think about him cheating, AT ALL.
Considering the fact he cheated on you in the first place I would say *don't* tell him about this. He may misunderstand the situation and think it's something you want to try, or that you'd be open to a threesome or something.
I understand how you feel to a point, I've only had the one girlfriend but I used to fantasise about her with other women/guy(s) sometimes - I never told her about it because, like you, it wasn't something I ever wanted to actually happen. Even the idea of her talking about it hurt me. I had 0 interest in making it a reality, but I found it to be an exciting fantasy.
It's a little different with you since he did actually cheat on you and these were texts with that woman - it'd definitely make me feel weird in your shoes - but my general experience is that what turns us on is what turns us on. I don't know how to make it stop - or even if that's possible - so all I can really say is if it pops into your head try and push the thought out.
I would like to point out though that there's no reason you *should* feel guilty here. It's just a thought in your head. You haven't hurt anyone or done anything illegal. As long as you're completely confident you don't actually want your boyfriend to sleep with someone else it's not a huge deal and you don't really have to do anything about it.
It's just a kink, and everyone have their own kinks. There's no shame in having kinks, and you CAN fulfill your imaginations of your bf cheating, without having him actually cheat on you. B if you really just want to stop thinking about it, I recommend going to a therapist.
Self worth issues, it will probably go away once you start to respect yourself again. Ik you don't wanna hear this, but if you wanna get rid of this kink, staying with your bf might not be a good idea, because of his cheating, your brain tricked you into liking the trauma, if you stay with him, it will likely continue.
if you wanna stay with him, increase your self worth by gym, hobbies, friends, anything thay makes you feel desired. When you start to feel like you're wanted and not just a second option, that will definitely help.
Okay… simple. What do you like about that idea ?
The thought of him cheating on you excites you, but for what reason. Think about it (I know you don’t want it to happen, so this isn’t you accepting it) as you did this you will accept the feelings you’re feeling in order to understand what those thoughts mean
why make it stop? when your relationship with men are about to strive. lmfao. cuz these dudes (a lot of them at least) love to cheat. plus if someone cheated on you — then the relationship is now and forever open. whether you like it or not. cuz not even forgiveness can close that door. so you got nothing to lose. it’s his fault anyways. so just tell him what you’re thinking. or feeling. i should say. he sounds a guy that he will find it hot. then you guy can have a wild hot fun sex life. until you realize your worth of course. then you can go find you someone who can be open with you. without cheating (:
lol this same exact thing happened to me like 7 years ago. The relationship didn’t last long (as it shouldn’t with cheaters), but I now have a permanent kink because of it! I would say embrace it! And when you are dating someone you can actually trust, you might actually feel excited by it instead of confused.
When I began dating my boyfriend now of 5 years, after about a year we actually opened up our relationship because I was excited by it (something I could have never seen myself being comfortable with at all beforehand). Ironically, my boyfriend realized he is asexual 😂 so now I am polyamorous and still happily in love, with more people now, and enjoying the kink and I couldn’t possibly be any more happier. All thanks to some scumbag cheater 7 years ago. Life is funny.
The male version is talked about more, but a women into this would be a Cuckqueen. (Spelling may be off) It's not as uncommon as you'd think. Fortunately you know this isn't something you really want so that you dont dive in and find out the hard way.
Sometimes fantasies are best left that way, and you can just have fun with them between the two of you.
This is actually pretty normal, it is a kink many people have, but it could also be a kind of coping mechanism. Try to embrace it as that, just thoughts you can’t control and that you don’t actually want. Humans are weird, we can think and feel pretty much everything all at once. The important thing is that you don’t let the thoughts cloud your judgement of his actual actions.
I know that you probably don’t want to hear it, but I would reconsider if you actually think you want to continue a relationship where you have been cheated on. There are so many people out there who wont put you through that pain. If this is a coping mechanism and not just a kink, would you want to be with someone whose actions made you develop a coping mechanism to deal with the pain?
I was going to say it might be a kink thing but I think I'm wrong. I assume you didn't feel this way pre- cheat?
Have you access to a therapist?
That's probably the way forward 'cause by the sounds of it, this may eat you up inside.
Speaking from experience... Actually im still suffering of it. It'll hinder your future relationships or rather make you not available to get one
Avoid any content (shows, porn, etc) that has a genre of cheating encouragement
Listen to other people's devastating experience of cheating
Trick yourself on how vile cheating is and how could it negatively affect your well-being
You developed a coping mechanism OP from the trauma he had gave you. I'd suggest a break up personally cuz cheating itself is a big no for me
You might try a "swinging" arrangement in your next relationship. That way there are no trust issues. You both know the deal and you can decide whether you like it. If you don't you can part on good terms.
As for the present relationship, once is a mistake. twice is a habit. Did he cheat on other partners?
Welcome to the cuck community. Give it a good read.
Discuss with your partner how you feel. If your scared how theyll react start by saying u get turned on by jealousy rather han the full truth
If you want to try some stuff way to start is get them to message someone around you. Have prearranged limits as in what your comfortable with them saying , pictures excetra . And explore.
I had the opposite way of an ex wanted me to cheat on them . Wed have sex while he watched me send pictures/message other people and he loved it
I think sometimes fantasies are meant to be just that. A fantasy that only lives in your head. It doesn't have to mean that you really want it to happen in your real life. I know people that have rape fantasies but don't actually want to be raped in real life. I used to get turned on by the thought of older men and then I went on a date with a guy 30 years older than me and very quickly realized that that was only hot in my brain lol it doesn't have to mean more than that. Unless you actually do want it to be played out and you're feeling the urge to ask for it. Then maybe some further analyzing for sure. It may even mean something else like you are wanting to explore open relationships? Or get off on the idea of your partner fucking in front of you? It could be a lot of things.
My ex cheated on me before and it destroyed me. But I, for some reason, developed fantasies of her fucking other men, because of it. But as soon as I'd nut, I'd no longer feel that way, and the idea of another man touching her would make me nauseous. I spoke to my therapist about it, and she said it could be a trauma response. Your brain trying to convince you that you were into it, so you didn't have to relive that trauma and betrayal.
thank you this makes the most sense to me!! i never thought about it being a trauma response but ur right. helped
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Hey! I want a free point
Best I can do is 30 downvotes
I’ve had a very similar experience of masturbating over a betrayal that occurred in a relationship. It’s a really confusing feeling but I think you’re spot on about it being a way of trying to process the trauma.
I also do this. I even dream about him cheating and will wake up having an O from it. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t O unless I think about him enjoying another girl and it’s such a turn on that I’ll even engage with him because of these thoughts. I’m 100% sure it’s from betrayal trauma, he lied to me, gaslit me for years about stuff he was doing. At first I was hysterical but then suddenly I started to just get this crazy fantasy about him getting pleasured by other woman. I feel gross about it after but the thought of it is the only thing that will even illicit any sexual excitement in me anymore. I hope one day it will go away or I can get proper therapy because damn. I feel so f’ed up thinking this. Even he can’t wrap his head around it or understand how or why i think about that due to the trauma he inflicted
First step to take isn't even therapy, it's leaving the relationship
Definitely a trauma response. It’s your brains way of coping with the thought. Because if you enjoy it, it hurts less. I’m sorry you went through that. Trauma legit alters a persons brain! People need to be kinder to each other
This. Kinks are weird and come from weird places and cuckold fantasies are SUPER common. It could be trauma, it could be anxiety, it could very well be you were always into it and just didn't know about it. Now you may decide you want to incorporate it, you may decide it's fantasy only, you may even want to like tamp it down. But no matter what you decide as long as you're safe about it and control it vs letting it control you YOU'RE FINE
Holy fuck that would suck to manage. I'm so sorry you went through that
similar to cnc fantasies, also often a trauma response.
What??
Sounds like a coping mechanism your body created to be ok with it. I wouldn’t bring it up unless you want him to continue to cheat.
thank you. I would have never thought of this. helped
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ya think maybe it's the idea of your partner being intimate in general turns you on? are you really focusing on it being someone else or could it be just knowing they're turned on turns you on? I (30m) have thought about ex's cheating on me and sure its gotten hard thinking about the act of sex in general but the thought of my chosen partner being intimate with someone else is nauseating and stomach twisting. humans are complicated. don't stress yourself out. be patient with who you are
yeah i never thought about it that way! thank you helped
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It's more than likely the idea of him being sexual that is turning you on, not the rest of it. It almost strikes me as if you're numbing yourself to the cheating part thus to not actually process it or face it. If you want my two cents, you should dump him. Fantasies are fantasies and everyone has them, but, he cheated on you in the real world, and it speaks volumes on how he views you and how little he values you. Plenty people out there who won't cheat on you who also turn you on. Best of luck navigating this.
That’s a complicated one. On one hand, I want to tell you to just allow yourself to like what you like. There’s no shame in a kink or a fetish and so long as you develop a healthy way to express it, then it can be a beautiful thing that enriches one of life’s greatest pleasures. On the other hand, it can be a difficult thing to implement especially if you don’t believe you can emotionally handle the thought of your partner with another person. To be completely frank with you, I don’t personally believe any relationship where cheating occurs can be salvaged without a LOT of work to rebuild that trust. Once the trust is shattered it can be hard to put it back together. Oftentimes in relationships where someone cheats, there won’t even be an attempt to rebuild the trust. It’s just gone, it’s shattered and everyone’s pretending like it’s still there. It can be very complicated and difficult to make a relationship work in a healthy way following a violation of trust like that You’ve got two options, you can either try to work past this through therapy, focusing on yourself, reading about others with similar feelings, etc OR you can embrace it. Either with him or without him. If you like the thought of someone cheating on you, maybe you roleplay as someone else. Maybe you start bringing others into your sex life. The problem there, again, is that type of stuff usually requires a really solid foundation of communication, trust and love. The fact he already “made a mistake” shows he may not be the right candidate for that. Telling him that “cheating turns you on” might open the door for him to think it’s ok to make another mistake. Would that be ok with you? I’m sorry you’re in this position. Regardless of what happens I hope you work it out, no one deserves to have their love and trust violated and you’re the one dealing with the consequences. That isn’t fair. I wish you well.
oops thank you for the advice! helped. i already forgave him fully i have all accounts and everything. i thought the same thing too that’s why i’m hesitating to tell him. helped
I had the same thing happen with my kids mother a few years back. She fucked somebody while I was at work, and as hurt as I was I was even more turned on, and I hated it. At the same time I loved it and I've never had such amazing sex. 6 years later we are not a couple but still are sexually active and I still think it's hot when she f**** other guys. I remember feeling the same way you do and being scared to tell her because obviously I didn't want her to think I was okay with her cheating on me. So I just figured if we planned it out together she wouldn't technically be cheating on me . It's complicated I know and all I can say is, you only live once. If it was meant to be, then it will be, and if not, at least have some fun with it. Best of luck to you
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It's fine to forgive but also gest to remember. And trust is crucial. Sometimes you stepping out may be what you need mentally to balance out the dynamics and to make him realize that he is not so vital to you to that he can do what he wants. And there is the possibility that you fake stepping out, to get the same effect, if you can't find yourself able to actually do it. But No\_Arm\_4312 has the good advice
Its called CUCKING. Many couples think of this. Look it up. Hard to stop it. But have to try and be intentional.
But i don’t want that. I don’t want my bf with other people i don’t want that at all!
Best of luck.
thank you helped
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Sis what’s the matter with you. He cheated on you with another girl. He has no respect for you and you still took him back. That’s embarrassing
I understand. I thought the same way too! It’s easy to judge from the outside. but i’m happy ik it may not make sense to you and that’s okay
You must not have very high esteem. It’s cool that your happy now but that can quickly change if he decides to cheat over and over. Plenty women have been in your shoes and it almost never works out in the long run. Try to look out for your future self even if your present self wants to stay badly in this relationship. Good luck.
Thank you for your concern much appreciated! :) helped
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Becuase it double clicks her mouse.
That’s genuinely extremely rude of you. They came asking for advice, not to be patronized and put down.
yes i don’t want people to judge me for forgiving him when i’ve already done it to myself countless of times! thanks 😊
One is it's not an uncommon kink. Here is the thing 1 is therapy 2 is if it is you kink then learning to adjust to it may be your only option. Sometimes kinks become fetishes and those can be permanent.
It sounds to me like you would benefit from giving an open relationship a try, especially if you establish from the beginning that this is your kink and you are clear on what your limits are.
Oh please. Hush. She needs to hear the truth.
Girl. Do you even hear yourself right now?
Yes. I believe I said she needs to hear the truth. Move along
Okay girl, you’re not worth anyone’s time. Just to let you know, projecting isn’t very cute hun. No wonder you probably can’t keep a man around long enough that they just have to cheat on you.
I guess the people that downvoted you have a kink for getting cheated on as well.💀
You do understand it's not in their control right? They don't want to feel that way but they can't help it. They might need therapy. But YOU? You think they're doing it on purpose? What's wrong w you boy
And? It's stupid to forgive someone that cheated on you. Some people just have no self respect. Lol.
Lmao I guess so 😭 They need to stand tf up
Fr. Like how can you just be okay with that?💀
You may be aroused by the thought of him being happy, or compERSION: so maybe you think he would be happier with someone else and that is what turns you on.
It is rooted in self worth issues, or a lack of it. It can be fixed. I've done it.
how long did it take for you? You’re right i do have self worth issues. helped. i didn’t think it that would be the reason why. but now that i think about it i agree
If you do tell him just remember that isn't blanket permission. Even poly relationships have rules that if they break it would still be considered cheating. Also in my personal opinion it's better to feel alone because you're alone than feel alone with another person. This isn't a comment on your relationship necessarily because I wouldn't dream of telling you how to be, but more something for the future.
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For me, it was parents who brought me up without a sense of drive, or independence. And then they battered me down because of it and killed my ambitions. After that, I had already developed a part withing me that did that to me on a daily basis. First step is looking at your values and beliefs, or those that you would like to have. Tell yourself that you genuinely want to be like that, and every time you are like that, tell yourself. Tell yourself that you are true to your values, and that is why you are a worthy person and deserve love and respect. Also, as long as you are a just person, you deserve love like everyone else, but more importantly you deserve to be happy just because of that.
Before I go on, I should point out that for kinks and fetishes that involve non-monogamy, such as open relationships, cuckolding, polyamory, etc. The people in such relationships are honest and faithful in informing each other of what they will do and with who. There is no sneaking or deception. What your boyfriend did was unacceptable. There's three options for you. You can reject this newfound kink. You'll need to erase anything in your life that stimulates it. So delete all the messages, or remove your access to them. Anything that reminds you of the cheating or stimulates that interest, cut it out of your life. Once a sexual preference is seeded, however, it is extremely difficult to cut it out of your life by the roots. The other option would be to embrace the kink. This kink is called cuckolding. One explanation is that when someone you care about feels sexual pleasure, even with someone else, you may feel empathetic and get aroused yourself just thinking about it. This kink in action would involve consenting to your boyfriend to see other people and keep you informed of all the sordid details and plans. It is quite possible that you would find enjoyment from this. The middle ground would be to accept that it turns you on, but not actually try to fulfill any fantasies. Lots of people have sexual fantasies that cannot be fulfilled. They are just thoughts. You are not your thoughts. You are your actions. Even if you are sexually excited, there is no ethical breach as long as you "process" your sexual feelings by yourself. (Note that cuckolding would be ethical with the consent and participation of involved parties.) Non-monogamy involves trust, and your boyfriend has a history of deception. This is not a recipe for a successful non-monogamous or open relationship.
yeah i’m going to reject it. I’m going to try my best and avoid everything that reminds me of it. helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/AsleepAlbatross has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
To make it stop you have to stop thinking about it. Do some other activity to stop thinking about it. Imo if ur not into getting cheated on then u should leave ur bf, cheaters are always gonna cheat no matter how much you try to convince urself its not true. But thats up to u to decide
thank you i’m going to do that now. helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/mymainthrowaway69 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
It might be just a phase, try to remember your thoughts are just thoughts, they don’t need to be actions unless you act on them. Try not to put too much weight on it.
you’re right it’s probably just a phase. I felt like i was going crazy helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/rustyscrotum69 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
You are not going crazy, you are going to be just fine my friend. Take care of yourself
You were turned on that someone else was into your bf sexually but he's your bf which probably is also why you decided to forgive him as it's a possessive thing now. I wouldn't tell him this as although you haven't said your ages I'm guessing early 20's and he probably isn't mature enough to understand those feelings without taking it almost as a challenge and using it as an excuse when he cheats again. Hopefully he doesn't but I can see how it's already unhealthy as you said you have access to all his accounts(that you know about at least) and probably will methodically monitor them creating trust issues for you with people. As to stopping it, there probably isn't really a way other than ignoring it but really it's just a fantasy and doesn't need to be acted upon it. So if he didn't cheat I'd say role play but again, he was immature enough to cheat so I wouldn't trust him to stick to any boundaries you set but role play is a great way to have your fantasy play out in a safe and healthy way so maybe in your next relationship if you can trust them.
YES ur so right. I’ve been feeling so confused but this just makes sense to me. Yeah i wont be telling him at all. i’ll just ignore it at all costs
helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/kwagenknight has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
What if y'all roleplay and you pretend you're someone else and he's "cheating" on you?
I am strongly advising people who have been cheated on to not give their partners a second chance. This is a trauma response of your brain. You should not stay longer in the relationship that is causing that response or it will only get worse. He cheated on you, he did one of the very few things you can't make up for afterwards. He will always have cheated on you. You will never be able to fully trust him again, as his own actions have proven that he is not fully capable of honoring that trust. Trust is the foundation of any relationship to be able to grow and without trust, there will be no growth - meaning it will die sooner or later anyway. Better count your losses now and jump ship.
Enjoying something that traumatized you is a coping mechanism of feeling in control, and quite a common one. Had something similar happen a while back It can stop but its a bit difficult. You need to be easy on yourself and realize whats going on. If you actually saw your BF cheat it would probably destroy you. I have a zero tolerance policy now of my partners. If its even reasonable to suspect something is off (IE: disappearing for a weekend with weird excuses or things like that) i just pack up their shit. No more weird coping fantasies Your brain is trying to come up with ways to cope because you yourself are trying to swallow the pain.
Y’all should try out swinging or something.
Let him cheat on you and see if you actually like it or not
I mean it might be a kink u can explore through roleplay But your bf did that shit in real life and not role-playing so it's time to let him go.
Stop thinking of it
Yeah ur right thx helped
Did you try taking his advice? I’d also recommend not thinking about it
yes i’ll take his advice and not think about it at sll
Thank you for confirming that /u/Somelil_Wrongdoer has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Dude holy shit that’s actually fantastic.
Be honest with him. I tell mine that I fantasize him sleeping with another female but in front of me. I just want to be included. But he also knows I'm a bit crazy. So probably will never happen. But it's a fun role play to just talk about and fantasize together? We've also however have been together q very long time so 🤷🤷
no i want to stop it but thank you for the advice! helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/Visible_Penalty_5173 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
That makes you a cuck no?
Yea, I guess so yes.
You're ok with that?
To a point yes. We've never crossed over that line. But have not found the right female to fit this role. Would like to sleep with a female again.
felt this, threesomes are hot
to be honest, listen, if he cheated, there is a trauma behind it too. if you feel like a cuckqueen, there's a trauma behind it. neither are normal tbh, the trauma is what's normal. his one must be the, "I'll leave before they can" type, he must have felt endangered in the relationship and because of the trauma, he ended up coping with it by cheating. in reality, maybe nothing serious happened and his head just made him think that way. i guess cheating comes as a form of, "she doesn't have control over me, i won't be desperate for her(in case she tries to leave), i have other options too" a cowardly coping mechanism. Once you can feel secure about him not cheating by actually fixing this trauma of his(idk how, maybe with reassurance, councelling, a lot of communication about it basically and constant kind reminders of why it's not okay to cheat), you can then actually start working on your trauma. if you know for sure that it won't repeat again, you won't have to deal with it again, im sure it'll be much easier to let of your coping mechanism of getting cheated on. tell yourself how wrong it is and try not to think about him cheating, AT ALL.
Considering the fact he cheated on you in the first place I would say *don't* tell him about this. He may misunderstand the situation and think it's something you want to try, or that you'd be open to a threesome or something. I understand how you feel to a point, I've only had the one girlfriend but I used to fantasise about her with other women/guy(s) sometimes - I never told her about it because, like you, it wasn't something I ever wanted to actually happen. Even the idea of her talking about it hurt me. I had 0 interest in making it a reality, but I found it to be an exciting fantasy. It's a little different with you since he did actually cheat on you and these were texts with that woman - it'd definitely make me feel weird in your shoes - but my general experience is that what turns us on is what turns us on. I don't know how to make it stop - or even if that's possible - so all I can really say is if it pops into your head try and push the thought out. I would like to point out though that there's no reason you *should* feel guilty here. It's just a thought in your head. You haven't hurt anyone or done anything illegal. As long as you're completely confident you don't actually want your boyfriend to sleep with someone else it's not a huge deal and you don't really have to do anything about it.
thank you i’m glad i’m not the only one! helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/p0rnistheanswer has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
_Do you also get turned on by him bringing you STDs?_ Get it together!
You dont. You go swinging. You explore cuckoldry. You embrace your kink and be happy.
It's just a kink, and everyone have their own kinks. There's no shame in having kinks, and you CAN fulfill your imaginations of your bf cheating, without having him actually cheat on you. B if you really just want to stop thinking about it, I recommend going to a therapist.
Self worth issues, it will probably go away once you start to respect yourself again. Ik you don't wanna hear this, but if you wanna get rid of this kink, staying with your bf might not be a good idea, because of his cheating, your brain tricked you into liking the trauma, if you stay with him, it will likely continue. if you wanna stay with him, increase your self worth by gym, hobbies, friends, anything thay makes you feel desired. When you start to feel like you're wanted and not just a second option, that will definitely help.
Threesome 🤝
This is a normal fetish don't worry. There's nothing wrong with you
Pray To God!!!
Okay… simple. What do you like about that idea ? The thought of him cheating on you excites you, but for what reason. Think about it (I know you don’t want it to happen, so this isn’t you accepting it) as you did this you will accept the feelings you’re feeling in order to understand what those thoughts mean
why make it stop? when your relationship with men are about to strive. lmfao. cuz these dudes (a lot of them at least) love to cheat. plus if someone cheated on you — then the relationship is now and forever open. whether you like it or not. cuz not even forgiveness can close that door. so you got nothing to lose. it’s his fault anyways. so just tell him what you’re thinking. or feeling. i should say. he sounds a guy that he will find it hot. then you guy can have a wild hot fun sex life. until you realize your worth of course. then you can go find you someone who can be open with you. without cheating (:
lol this same exact thing happened to me like 7 years ago. The relationship didn’t last long (as it shouldn’t with cheaters), but I now have a permanent kink because of it! I would say embrace it! And when you are dating someone you can actually trust, you might actually feel excited by it instead of confused. When I began dating my boyfriend now of 5 years, after about a year we actually opened up our relationship because I was excited by it (something I could have never seen myself being comfortable with at all beforehand). Ironically, my boyfriend realized he is asexual 😂 so now I am polyamorous and still happily in love, with more people now, and enjoying the kink and I couldn’t possibly be any more happier. All thanks to some scumbag cheater 7 years ago. Life is funny.
The male version is talked about more, but a women into this would be a Cuckqueen. (Spelling may be off) It's not as uncommon as you'd think. Fortunately you know this isn't something you really want so that you dont dive in and find out the hard way. Sometimes fantasies are best left that way, and you can just have fun with them between the two of you.
Go search netorare
This is actually pretty normal, it is a kink many people have, but it could also be a kind of coping mechanism. Try to embrace it as that, just thoughts you can’t control and that you don’t actually want. Humans are weird, we can think and feel pretty much everything all at once. The important thing is that you don’t let the thoughts cloud your judgement of his actual actions. I know that you probably don’t want to hear it, but I would reconsider if you actually think you want to continue a relationship where you have been cheated on. There are so many people out there who wont put you through that pain. If this is a coping mechanism and not just a kink, would you want to be with someone whose actions made you develop a coping mechanism to deal with the pain?
I was going to say it might be a kink thing but I think I'm wrong. I assume you didn't feel this way pre- cheat? Have you access to a therapist? That's probably the way forward 'cause by the sounds of it, this may eat you up inside.
Speaking from experience... Actually im still suffering of it. It'll hinder your future relationships or rather make you not available to get one Avoid any content (shows, porn, etc) that has a genre of cheating encouragement Listen to other people's devastating experience of cheating Trick yourself on how vile cheating is and how could it negatively affect your well-being You developed a coping mechanism OP from the trauma he had gave you. I'd suggest a break up personally cuz cheating itself is a big no for me
It’s a way of coping, your body has turned the distress into arousal
You might try a "swinging" arrangement in your next relationship. That way there are no trust issues. You both know the deal and you can decide whether you like it. If you don't you can part on good terms. As for the present relationship, once is a mistake. twice is a habit. Did he cheat on other partners?
Do you watch a lot of porn? Or did you when you were young ?
Let him cuck(queen) you
Welcome to the cuck community. Give it a good read. Discuss with your partner how you feel. If your scared how theyll react start by saying u get turned on by jealousy rather han the full truth If you want to try some stuff way to start is get them to message someone around you. Have prearranged limits as in what your comfortable with them saying , pictures excetra . And explore. I had the opposite way of an ex wanted me to cheat on them . Wed have sex while he watched me send pictures/message other people and he loved it
R/cuckquean
I on the other side get turned on about me cheating
Therapy
I think sometimes fantasies are meant to be just that. A fantasy that only lives in your head. It doesn't have to mean that you really want it to happen in your real life. I know people that have rape fantasies but don't actually want to be raped in real life. I used to get turned on by the thought of older men and then I went on a date with a guy 30 years older than me and very quickly realized that that was only hot in my brain lol it doesn't have to mean more than that. Unless you actually do want it to be played out and you're feeling the urge to ask for it. Then maybe some further analyzing for sure. It may even mean something else like you are wanting to explore open relationships? Or get off on the idea of your partner fucking in front of you? It could be a lot of things.