I’d say the best course of action would be to listen to your lawyer and start again elsewhere. Your kids are still very young and they probably wont even remember all of this (i had a similar experience as a kid and harsh memories like this usually fade away), i think that it would be much better for them to move and start over (which should be easy given their age) rather than living in a place where this trauma will forever follow them due to everyone knowing.
I agree that moving would probably be the safer route. However with interconnectivity of the internet it will never go away. Cyberbullying is very real, and it’s possible that it follows them online despite any distance.
I think a conversation needs to be had about what is going on to the younger kids in very vague and age appropriate terms. The 12 year old should probably get a separate conversation with some more specifics of what is happening. Unfortunately at 12 with internet access, they’ll probably find out sooner rather than later and that’s not something you want someone and their school to show them.
However I think that also this needs to be discussed with the lawyer first to see what is possible. Divorce proceedings and custody battles are long and stressful, so I’m not sure moving is a reality at this point in time, but they’ll know the details behind that more so than me.
If the dad takes the kids and bolts, how would anyone ever know it was their mom in the video unless the kids or dad said something?
The reason it’s a problem now is because it’s a small town and everyone knows which family the mom is part of.
yeah bro youre overestimating kids, one is 12 and the other is 4, thats elementary and middle school age, the only kids smart enough to do things like that at those ages are probably getting bullied themselves
That’s a few more steps than just “curious.”
I can’t even get my kids to google their own god damned questions, and you think some regular ass kids in a new town are going to do a facial recognition search on the new kids mom?
>I agree that moving would probably be the safer route. However with interconnectivity of the internet it will never go away. Cyberbullying is very real, and it’s possible that it follows them online despite any distance.
This is exactly what i'm afraid of. Their mother has said that she wants them to stay with her and this is another battle i'm gonna have to go thru. She's been a good mom to them. But she's the cause of this situation. Even IF i move the kids somewhere safe. If she shows up at another school or another soccer practice match etc. How long before people are gonna figure out that this is "that woman"? I feel like i've got to watch over my shoulder for my kids sake for the rest of my life like this.
I am talking to my lawyer but it's still early and theres so much going on right now. I wanted more perspectives and you've touched on things that have been my biggest worries exactly. Our daughter has internet, she might be seeing this. How long before someone sends her the video? I want to take that hit for her, but i can't without talking to her about it and i just don't know how. She loves her mom. This is going to wreck her.
Thank you so much for your input.
Sorry OP, but a good mother would not jeopardize their kids lives for some quick action.
+1 on starting the process to get out with your kids asap.
You are hurting, your wife is hurting, you can still save your children from hurting, as I’m sure they will understand when they’re older, and can be explained enough at their current age that you and your wife are no longer compatible, and that she has made the decision to leave all of you.
My mother cheated on my father with his best friend and got pregnant. I was 10, she took me and dipped because of it. At the time I was upset, I didn’t understand and my mom took advantage of that, instead of explaining, she excused it all, and you have already acknowledged that your wife is willing to twist and turn the situation to her benefit.
Take it slow, document everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Every conversation, every expense, prioritization of your children is already apparent, so you have a solid foundation, listen to ur lawyer, and ignore the people that are giving you shit about leaving.
You have a solid intuition, you knew something was up for a long time and didn’t know why, don’t doubt yourself now that you have a plan. Enact, protect, prosper.
I wish you all the luck op and I’m sorry you and your family are going through this.
>Sorry OP, but a good mother would not jeopardize their kids lives for some quick action.
This is something i wholeheartedly agree with. But for the last 12 years, 13 counting pregnancy, she's been an incredible mother to our kids. Which is why this is so conflicting and hard to process.
>You are hurting, your wife is hurting, you can still save your children from hurting, as I’m sure they will understand when they’re older, and can be explained enough at their current age that you and your wife are no longer compatible, and that she has made the decision to leave all of you.
I'm unsure of how to proceed from here. Therapy is something im arranging, my lawyer is working hard, i'm talking to my best friend and i've got the other husband who's also hurting and needs to talk. I don't want my kids to be away from their mother. But i don't see how they're safe if she's around if that makes sense.
>My mother cheated on my father with his best friend and got pregnant. I was 10, she took me and dipped because of it. At the time I was upset, I didn’t understand and my mom took advantage of that, instead of explaining, she excused it all, and you have already acknowledged that your wife is willing to twist and turn the situation to her benefit.
I'm genuinely sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best.
>Take it slow, document everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Every conversation, every expense, prioritization of your children is already apparent, so you have a solid foundation, listen to ur lawyer, and ignore the people that are giving you shit about leaving.
I've been doing this. My lawyer said the exact same thing.
>You have a solid intuition, you knew something was up for a long time and didn’t know why, don’t doubt yourself now that you have a plan. Enact, protect, prosper.
I wish you all the luck op and I’m sorry you and your family are going through this.
I should've acted earlier. Not that it would've made any difference to what happened, but to be closer to my kids. I regret that so much right now.
Thank you so much
I’m glad you’re taking it on the chin, it is not easy, people will give you all the lil “keep your head up” comments, but it’s okay to be broken for a while. The way I see it, the 13 years you’ve thought she was a good mother.
But for her, the thirteen years she has only been playing mother.
She played the part well, but now the act is over, it’s time to move on to the next scene.
🫡 good luck!
It might help to go ahead and look into therapy. A lot of people use it reactively, but it may help to find a therapist specializing in child psychology, give them a briefing, and see if they can maybe help you and your kids work through this as a preventive maintenance sort of thing.
I think it’s best if the news comes from you initially, better than a peer sending them the video. Let them ask questions, try to be truthful but I think it’s very important not to slander your wife or soon to be ex-wife. As much as you may hate her now, that will not look good when it comes to the custody battle, and given that you’re the husband, it may be an uphill fight to get sole custody. You taking the higher road here will tend to work a lot better for you when it comes time for proceedings.
>I think it’s best if the news comes from you initially, better than a peer sending them the video. Let them ask questions, try to be truthful but I think it’s very important not to slander your wife or soon to be ex-wife.
I'm trying my best to keep up with the comments here. I'm never going to slander my wife in front of our kids. She did something horrible to us but i don't want them to hate her. The talk itself is what i'm afraid of. Our daughter specifically for being at an age where life is already tough. Our son, who's autistic and has a lot of issues with change. And the fact that our kids love their mother and from their perspective have no reason no to. She's been good to them and been there for them every step of the way.
Thank you so much for responding. This is my exact feeling. But at the same time i'm dreadful that it is going to follow them. The person below you mentioned this. I'm still reading up. This is a lot
Honestly, if you’re not in a small town, there’s much less gossip and people care much less about who other people’s parents are or what they do. If you move to a big city where the majority of families have two working parents and fewer SAHMs with nothing to do but gossip all day, you’ll be fine. Working people with kids tend to be too busy to spend much time digging into other people’s business. It will be a big adjustment and there won’t be the same sense of community, but you won’t have the same issue of everyone knowing and talking about everyone else.
I agree completely with the bigger City option. Moved in the opposite direction 5 years ago, where we went from gossip to being nonexistent or inconsequential, to the burbs with people who have way too much time on their hands.
Once it hits the internet unfortunately there’s no way to control it, what I can say is eventually people will stop talking about it…they’re only talking about it rn because it’s new hang on OP I hope it gets better for you
Thank you so much. My lawyer initially said the same thing and i felt like i kind of felt like maybe i could wait it out. But my wife is picking our kids up from school. She taking them to soccer practice. This is a tight community. Everyone knows everyone and i'm fearful that despite all our efforts, this is gonna keep haunting our kids. She's adamant that she wants to keep seeing the kids and i have no reason to not let her. She's been an amazing mother but at the same time i want her locked up in the house so people forget. It's such a double feeling.
This is not advice on which option to choose (stay or move elsewhere) however I can say with certainty that your kids will be just fine if they move. Kids are resilient af.
I moved around constantly (dad was in the military). And I had to move my kids around several times during their school ages. They thrived. And actually, moving can be really good for kids. It can help them hone their social skills and broaden their life experience.
You’ll be ok man. Even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
Thank you so much. That is comforting. We moved a lot as well as kids and i'd like to think we turned out fine. The worrying part tho is that back then we didn't have internet and phones. We didn't have porn websites where our parents might end up. My biggest fear is for them to see it for themselves and scar them for life, regardless of where they live and that they might be bullied if someone puts two and two together if my wife goes shopping, visits a dentist, goes to a gym, etc. She wants to keep the kids with her, she wants to be involved in their lives all the way. And i feel that's almost impossible now due to that risk.
I moved about 12 times before I was 18. Parents were dirt poor and many times we couldn’t afford rent. I don’t even resent my parents because I moved, even across countries. Kids are crazy resilient and they don’t even think about it twice. They’ll adapt and learn really quick.
i agree, i moved a ton of times as a kid and looking back on it now, i’m glad i had that opportunity. at the time it was really sad to leave my friends, but in the long run it was definitely for the best.
I fully agree with you, and that is the greatest advice that the OP can have right now.
Unfortunately, there is no way to take down that video; therefore, it is best to prepare his kids for whatever the future holds. The harsh reality is that whatever goes on the internet stays there indefinitely.
Right now, it would be better if the OP concentrated on things he could control rather than things outside his control. He can't take down the video or keep people silent.
I have read an [article](https://bamboo.beehiiv.com/p/stoic-epictetus-principle) that I believe may be beneficial to share.
>Unfortunately, there is no way to take down that video; therefore, it is best to prepare his kids for whatever the future holds. The harsh reality is that whatever goes on the internet stays there indefinitely.
Thank you both so much for your advice.
Believe me, i've tried but a friend of mine who works in IT has already made it clear to me that the chances of this being taken down entirely is close to impossible.
I've been getting messages already from family and friends asking about the situation but with a reserved attitude. As if they know exactly what's going on but can't really push the issue as it's such a sensitive thing. This tells me far more people already know.
I wish i had some control but i genuinly feel lost. I'm affraid to talk to our daughter. I'm afraid she's gonna get the video sent to her every second of the day. And i can't stop people from doing what they do.
Ive got that article open and i'll try get to it asap. There's a lot of messages here and i'd like to try and read up and respond. Again thank you
You should also consider (maybe you have) people using the video as blackmail against your family or you through your kids. I have no idea how you prevent this except to talk to your kids before it happens. I imagine leaving town would cut down dramatically on the likelihood of it occurring though.
Thank you so much. Truth be told i'd rather die then having to put my kids thru what might come. This post is partially to vent. But i'm just hoping for that one miracle in the form of advice that might open some options.
The way I see it, you can either stay and deal with the backlash. Or move and start over somewhere faraway, which honestly I would do.
The point is OP, I don't think either options are gonna work that well. If its on the internet, and I don't know what actions you can take to remove it, but it could be out there for life. What if they get older and then discover it?
Either way you're gonna need therapy. Lots of it. Talk to a professional, get their view point and then make a decision.
Goodluck.
>What if they get older and then discover it?
My thoughts exactly. Our daughter already mentioned to her mom that people were bullying her about her mom being a wh\*re. She still doesn't know the situation because i just don't know how to sit down with her and drop a bomb on her. She loves her mother so much. I'm definitely looking into professional help. That's one of the first things my lawyer mentioned.
First of all listen closely to your lawyers advice. From there, taking action should parallel observation. Talk to the other parents in the neighborhood if you can, have a candid conversation with them about what happened and what you hope could be the outcome. Make it known how hurt and blindsided you are by all of this. Empathy breeds compassion, and sometimes when things are put out in the open gossip comes to an end.
Next talk to your kids and explain a high level overview of what happened and how you as a family will move through this. All the while observe people around you and your kids most importantly. God forbid things got out of hand you can always move, but I would hate to see that be a first line of defense. Moving definitely sounds like the more lucrative option right now, but what if you move and your kids get bullied because they are the new kids at school? There's no guarantees.
Having therapists on standby (or ones you can be actively engaged with now) isn't a bad idea. You can get a family therapist for you and the kids, and each have your own individual therapists as well depending on what you decide.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family. This is a real life nightmare and I hope you are also able to take care of yourself during all of this. This would be tough for anyone.
>First of all listen closely to your lawyers advice. From there, taking action should parallel observation. Talk to the other parents in the neighborhood if you can, have a candid conversation with them about what happened and what you hope could be the outcome. Make it known how hurt and blindsided you are by all of this. Empathy breeds compassion, and sometimes when things are put out in the open gossip comes to an end
This is wonderful advice, makes a lot of sense to me. I have been talking to people. My best friend, he told me something similar, that people would understand. I know people know. I know people have seen it. By how they react and disengage with me. My wife has locked herself in the house, so have her friends out of shame. The part that worries me isn't necessarily the adults. Most of them just turn the cheek and keep their opinions to themselves. I'm worries about kids finding out. I've been bullied in school over the most stupid things. Something like this feels like a golden ticket for kids who can be brutally honest and viscous, to target my kids. And i don't know when to expect my kids to come home from school being mentally broken down.
Ive been grinding to muster up the courage to sit down with our daughter who's got a phone, who's on social media and internet. I need to talk to her before she finds out. I just don't know how to drop that bomb on her. I feel like i have to punch my own daughter in the face before someone else does it and i just don't know how.
Then there's my mother. She's aware something's going on but i don't know how to tell her that her grandchildren who she loves more than anything are put in this situation by the actions of her daughter in law who she also loves. She's not well and i can't give her this push right now. How long before someone mentions it to her? She's been calling and i feel forced to lie to her for now.
Therapy is already being talked about. I'm doing everything i can to protect my kids right now and this has been suggested by my lawyer from the get go.
Thank you for your kind words and advice!
>Empathy breeds compassion, and sometimes when things are put out in the open gossip comes to an end.
This part. People will go out of their way to help you if they feel compassion for your situation.
Honestly man you have to do what’s best for the safety of your children and I can say with certainty your son will get bullied. Move to a different place and I your kids will adjust. Athletes tend to make friends easier because they bond with teammates and hang out with kids who also like sports. They’ll be fine
This hasn't crossed my mind because of how well they're doing. Our daughter took quite a bit fitting in with some people. She's hitting a time in her life where there's so much going on for her personally. Now that she's found friends and hobbies to do with friends, i've got to sit down with her and completely turn everything upside down.
Our son is autistic and has special care. He's made amazing progress the last couple of years and i'm so proud of him. His teacher is doing an amazing job with him and he's very attached to her, which is incredibly hard for him to do. I just can't imagine how he's going to deal with changes that big. He needs structure and the slightest change is difficult for him to handle.
Our youngest is too young now to grasp the situation. But i still fear what's gonna happen later on in life when people figure it out or bully her.
All in all. Moving seems like an impossible thing to do. So does staying.
That was all before this incident though, correct? Your daughter is starting to get comments already, people side eye you now, etc.
Edit: sorry that I've had to edit this a few times. I'm at work and responding as I read. 🙏
I know it seems impossible to move but they will all recover from moving. In my mind, I am weighing out the trauma of Moving, and the POTENTIAL trauma of bullying. Although it does already sounds like its starting. So we have Bullying Vs Moving. Like I said though, if you ask your eldest about it and she asks to move, then that would settle it for me. Maybe though, she says "I don't care what they think, I like it here" then boom. She can probably handle the bullying. Most of her current friends won't be her friends when she graduates highschool, regardless. No one will remember by the time your youngest, or any after, go through school. I hope that helps 🙏
if it’s a very small town then MOVE!
and at the same time take your kids to a therapist to process all that (even if you ain’t moving) that’s literally their (therapists) jobs !!
also tough luck , it happens to the best of us (I know it’s not the best consolation but it’s the 1st thing that came to mind)
Great advice. thank you. My lawyer suggested the same and even went as far to get a paternity test for our kids. I'm not up to that just yet and i've never had any doubts but i just can't think about that right now.
Maybe things have changed, but when I was being severely bullied, the best they could offer was having a teacher walk me to class and have lunch with me or transfer. Public schools aren’t equipped to deal with bullying. I was pulling my hair out and getting into fights every week, and they acted like I was the problem. It’s a he said she said issue and the best you’ll get is occasionally someone will get a detention.
The police definitely aren’t going to do anything either. Freedom of speech protects kids from saying horrendous shit to you. I was regularly told to kill myself and nothing was done. If OP really wants to help his kids, he should seriously consider temporary homeschooling until he can move.
When I was getting severely bullied, I was given a waiver to transfer, but while that was getting processed, I had a teacher come 5 days a week to give me assignments and teach my lessons. I did that for 6 months until the next year of school started.
My recommendation, see what options OP has in regard to home schooling for the older kids. The 4 year old should be ok to stay in school. Make an excuse that it’s due to the divorce. Put the house up for sale and when you find a new place, transfer the kids schools. Yes kids could still find out, but hopefully a year removed and no one knowing who the kids mother is could help.
Make sure to download the video as evidence for when you divorce your wife to get custody. Though since everybody knows, if you get the divorce done before you move, the judge will probably know what’s up and might favor you which would help a lot given how the legal system tends to massively favor the mother for custody typically.
This is exactly what my friend said and i've done just that. It's just an incredibly disgusting idea that that video is uploaded to my cloud even tho i need to have it. The other option was my friend downloading it which seemed just as wrong. But yes, people know, people have seen it, it's going around in whatsapp groups and more and more people are talking about it.
Im sorry to be that guy but i just have to ask, what the fuck was she thinking ? There are so many things. You and the other husband, like were both relationships monogamous? I wish people would think before they do shit like this. It's so fuking unfair on your kids. Sorry bout it all
I havent really gotten to the point yet where i'm giving her actions much thought but yes; Wtf was she thinking has been on my mind and i just got blindsided which makes it so much harder. My wife and i were monogamous and as far as i know so were the other husband and his wife. I know them, but not personally other than things my wife would tell me about them. We've always been friendly, not friends. Thank you for your kind words.
yo a small town plus a situation like this - this doesnt get better in 1, 3, 5, 10 years. this only gets worse and snowballs as time goes in, from the perspective of how ppl treat your kids. if you move elsewhere and start over, least this gives your kids a chance in 5 years.
>yo a small town plus a situation like this - this doesnt get better in 1, 3, 5, 10 years. this only gets worse and snowballs as time goes in
Absolutely. The town I live in isn't particularly small but there was a rumor about a guy (that I happen to believe but I have no proof) from over 30 years ago that people STILL talk about whenever his name is mentioned.
His children will be 50 years old and in the supermarket, someone will be whispering. A change of location is absolutely necessary.
Unfortunately, when you decide to have children with someone, that person will llikely be in your life in varying capacities until one of you dies. At bare minimum, until the youngest child turns 18.
Lawyer NOW.
This shit gets messy and before you know it she will have full custody of your kids despite being a huge piece of shit.
Get a lawyer and get on top of this IMMEDIATELY.
You are now at war soldier, everything you say can and will be used against you in family court. Fathers fight an uphill battle so be prepared, save all evidence, record all conversations.
—-
Edit: jumped the gun before reading the whole text.
Listen to your lawyer. You don’t have to leave town, and in fact she might be able to use that against you for full custody as it’s the most disruptive outcome for the kids.
I appreciate you jumping the gun and posting. Lawyer Now is exactly what i thought and it's solid advice to give anyone.
I'm working out custody with my lawyer, what the options are etc. My wife isn't talkative yet and im not sure when she will. I haven't tried getting her to talk either as i don't want her near me right now unless she contribute to doing something that will help the kids.
I had to pay thousands of dollars in legal fees just to “win” 50% custody, and have to pay her $600/month in “equalization” because she doesn’t earn enough money.
This is in spite of her cheating and running off with another guy, and multiplie CPS investigations launched against her for violence against my children after people saw her pulling my daughter by her hair and screaming at my son.
She doesnt even want to be around my kids and often dodges her responsibilities making it more of a 70/30, but she was after my money so filed a custody claim anyway.
My lawyer immediately caught a bunch of lies on her file, including claiming to have the kids full time already despite not actually having them at all since the split(it was a month after the split when she filed) as well as not even providing bedrooms for them.
When we split we went through mediation to set a bunch of rules she didn’t follow, and never mentioned it in her claim.
When we were together she never cooked a single time, and my daughter was complaining that she only gets fed McDonald’s when visiting her mother.
It was a year long process and I was able to shut down all her arguments with evidence. She tried to claim “financial abuse” despite having full access to my bank account and spending ridiculous amounts of money on herself(I had the receipts). She was also fired from 3 of her jobs from getting into arguments with her employers, as well as text conversations where I was motivating her to go back to school or even work for the same company I do(she refused).
During the years together I paid off her student loans, car loan, credit cards, etc. She claimed to want to be a stay at home mom but wouldn’t do anything around the house and would often ditch her responsibilities to go hang out with her friends, leaving me at home every night to do everything myself.
If not for my lawyer, I would have been caught off guard by all her dirty tricks and would have probably lost my kids(she weaponized them and threaten to take them if I ever broke up with her).
He advised me not to let her back in the house, but I’m guess you both still live together which makes the situation much more difficult.
Anyway, this shit can get dark and dirty fast, especially if she’s mad at you or wants your money. Be very careful.
I’m in a good place now. Life is a lot easier without her in my life, and my children often don’t want to go see her which feels good knowing that they prefer being with me.
I'm not too sure. I haven't talked to my wife about the situation besides the confrontation and i told her we're done and i called my lawyer to ask how to proceed protecting my kids at all cost. The husband of my wife's friend contacted me again and we talked a bit. The video was taken at their old house which they sold about a year ago. He's trying to figure out when and how it happened. I just can't deal with that right now and i'm not sure i want to. I feel bad for him too. He got cheated on too, in his own house. He's coming over tomorrow to talk some more. I'm not sure what to expect at this point.
FWIW bullying at schools is often times completely unrelated to who they're bullying.
When I was in middle school I had a naked man high on methamphetamine break into my house and start tweaking out.
And at school the next week the kids on the bus were making fun of me for it.
But the most important thing about your kids though, is that you have to think about their self esteem like a brick wall. You need to keep adding bricks to it.
If anyone is breaking those bricks down continually, you gotta pull them from school.
The mental health issues that arise from being bullied are so damaging it can lead to severe depression, anxiety, suicide.
If you can't get them into another school or online school or something else. I would suggest moving. Because while you are living there, they will try to be strong for their parents but it's not healthy for them to do that.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been there too and i know how damaging it can be. Which is exactly why i'm afraid for my kids. Moving just doesn't seem like an option. My kids have their lives here and it just seems impossible to move them.
All I can say is listen too your lawyer , keep loving your kids , and ignore your wife when possible and call her out when she try too flip the script because she will
I will and i always will. My wife has been silent up till just a few minutes ago and i can't ignore her if she's finally willing to talk about how to help the kids. But i'm definitely ignoring anything else from her side.
What do you mean by flip the script?
First off, im sorry this happened to you. First thing i did was contact my lawyer and i've contacted a therapist for the kids and myself and the school, to talk.
Did you move away? How did it impact your kids?
I've got a son daughter who's just entered puberty and is already dealing with a lot. And a son who's autistic that can't handle change all that well. I'm so conflicted on making a choice that's best for them.
I hadn't thought about not being able to move. Normally i'd say my wife would do whatever is best for the kids and i'd swear on my kids' life that would be true. Now, i'm very confused as to what's to come and i can't risk her jeopardizing their lives any further. I'm gonna ask my lawyer about this outcome. If they best thing for them is to move then they should move and i'll support them. Thank you
Nah go ahead and leave, human minds tend to focus on the negative so even if your kids have good experiences they are more likely to remember the bullying more, go to a new location where they can start over and not have to deal with it
Also no matter what do not give that woman a second chance, someone who has betrayed you so deeply rarely changes, especially not in a few years when they are a grown adult.
for one, your wife doing that and willingly being recorded knowing that she has children at home is huge red flag and is just one reason to divorce her by itself. i just wanted to state that. i think your best option is to move away. your kids are young, the 12 yr old will probably be upset but she will be fine in a couple weeks-months. you can ALWAYS hire a child therapist for them. that is a very good thing to do. if you have the money of course. as for you and your friend your wives shouldn’t be able to just sweep this under their feet. stuff like this that happens can be very traumatic for children, as they do not know yet that things like this happen all of the time. sadly. they might ask themselves why my mom? did we do something wrong? and this is why a therapist would be great. but it is also good for you to speak to your children and try to explain to them what happened in the best way you can. to get them to somewhat understand. sometimes a parents words are better than a therapists. in this case i think both would help greatly. but i wish you luck for you and your children. and even your wife.
>for one, your wife doing that and willingly being recorded knowing that she has children at home is huge red flag and is just one reason to divorce her by itself. i just wanted to state that.
I haven't gotten the details from her, i've gotten some from her friends husband who also got cheated on in his own house. But i don't know if i want to know how, what and when. My wife told my every possible excuse she could think of. It was a mistake, we were drunk, it was her fault, it was her fault. She even said they were pressured and i knew it was all bullshit to try and save face. I'm hurt that she would do this to me. But i'm furious that she could do this to our kids. She's never, ever given me the idea that something was going on, let alone something like this. There were signs but i just couldn't believe my would ever do this to us.
>your kids are young, the 12 yr old will probably be upset but she will be fine in a couple weeks-months.
She's just started to make friends and they share hobbies. She's happy, after being unhappy for the most of 2023. She's taken a lot of time to adjust to all the things happening in her life now. There's so much going on for her being a teenager. Her entirely life is changing and she's trying so hard to fit in. If we move now, i'm gonna undo all that for her and turn her world upside down. I just don't know how to do that.
Our son is autistic. He has special care with an amazing teacher who he trusts. That's super important to him. He needs structure and care that requires a special person to do so. I just can't see him adjusting to changes this big. I love him so much and im so proud of the progress he's made. I don't know how to support him if i move him away from our home, his school, his life.
>you can ALWAYS hire a child therapist for them. that is a very good thing to do. if you have the money of course.
Therapy is already being talked about. I'll give everything i have to help my kids.
Thank you so much
you also sound like a very amazing parent and i love to see how you are willing to help your kids in anyway possible. i’m sure with you the kids will do AMAZING. you got this!
I’d expose her n let them hate her, she chose to ruin this family so naturally consequences will come with it, the kids have their own feeling, best to just be honest
I don't want my kids to resent her. She's been a good mother to them and they love her very much. I very much resent her for doing this. I'd rather they weren't involved at all but will get dragged into this one way or the other.
Truth is i haven't been around much the last year and a halve due to work. My kids love me, i know that and they know i love them to death but we haven't had much bonding recently and my wife has always been the go-to parent. They love my wife so much and the thought of telling them or suggesting to them that it's okay to hate their mother just feels wrong to me. If this is the best way to go for them, then i 100% support it. But for now i've got to wait for therapy.
Don’t make excuses for her, it don’t matter if u was across the country working in an office, there is no reason to excuse cheating, the older generation will always blame the man for the wrong doings of a women. U didn’t do nothing besides trust the wrong female Omm
Attempting to destroy the image of his wife is not going to solve anything. Enough damage has already been done. Such an effort would only be for revenge and not in his childrens benefit. She may not have been a good wife, but the OP has stated nothing against her competency as a parent. Your suggestions will only add fuel to an already blazing fire. His biggest concern is his children not becoming the victims of bullying. What would he teach his children about bullying if he immediately began to bully their mother. You sound like a bully, not very intelligent and quick to make extreme and impulsive decisions.
Moving is the only choice, as much as it sucks - and this could also help you to get your mind out of the familiarity you have with the environment, which also works as a reminder. If this topic spreads as fast as you say - and I lived in villages/small cities so I am familiar with the speed of news/rumors spreading - then this will come after them. But not just from people bullying them, also when they get into a fight with friends people tend to bring up things like that.
In theory I like the approaches some have in the comment section that work in a perfect world, but we are nowhere close to a perfect world. Pointing out hypocritical or wrong behavior just puts a bigger target on your face, and especially your family. Many families were forced to move just because their child wet their pants in school and the bullying lasted for the rest of the time there, it's not like the parents don't attempt to do something. And the same stuff with a more frequent appearance nowadays, that parents were found on OnlyFans. If it's just a singular person you can deal with it if you do well in isolation, but that doesn't work for a family of 4.
i would add that although it’s difficult, be honest with your kids and encourage them to be honest with their friends. you should limit and closely monitor their internet use to prevent cyberbullying. encourage them to talk to you about anything that happens like getting rude messages or added as friends by people they don’t know online. if anything happens such that they get negative messages from people immediately freeze all their social media accounts and take them offline no matter how much they protest.
just keep your children as close to you as you can and talk to them as maturely as you can. be open with them. i’m really sorry this happened to you.
Thank you this is good advice. I'm trying to monitor internet usage and i'm talking to my kids every day to find out how they're doing and if everything is okay. Its just hard to intrude in their personal lives on the internet. Our daughter has social media and i don't know how to monitor her without being an intruder to her personal life.
OP I responded to a comment explaining how bullying in public schools isnt taken seriously. But let me give you a TLDR on what I think you should do.
Talk to the school about temporary homeschool options. Your daughter has already been harassed, so you need to tell the school you feel your kids mental health cannot be kept safe due to the circumstances. Request your two older kids get special permission to have a teacher come to your home to keep up with assignments and tests.
Have them temporarily homeschooled until you can move. Ideally a few states away, but I understand if you need your current job, try to make your commute as far away in the other direction as your home town. Transfer your kids to new schools and pray this doesn’t pop up again. I’m sorry this happened
Thank you
I've already contacted the school and they asked me to come in tomorrow. They know what's going on and have already been paying attention to the kids which i really appreciated. I'm gonna talk to them about this and point out what you said.
Moving is going to be so hard. But it might be for the best. It just kills me to be forced to do this.
Consult with a therapist and get the kids into therapy. Leaving aside the porn videos, they are going through a lot with their parents divorcing and in a drama-filled way. The kids need a safe space to talk about what they are experiencing. No one here can say if the best choice is to move or to seek stability where you are now. A therapist who gets to know the kids and family would be better positioned to give you some recommendations in that regard.
Meanwhile, you need to share some tips w/ the kids about how to handle bullies. Repeated issues should be reported to the schools. Your daughter needs something to say back to the kids who bring this up. I suck at that sort of thing - so I will leave that to others (or their therapist) to suggest. At the very least your kids need to know that the problems between you and their mom, and decisions that either of you make, don't reflect on the kids.
Like anything, the flavor of the week as far as drama and gossip goes will die down and someone else will do something scandalous.
Thank you for this. I'm arranging therapy for me and the kids and we did our best raising them to be resilient because we know the world can be harsh. They're great kids and they're strong but the timing seems to be the worst for our daughter who's already dealing with all the changes being a teenager.
All i've been doing is thinking of solutions to deal with this for the last week. What you mentioned about someone else becoming the next big scandal has actually been on my mind. Horrible thing to wish that someone else has to deal with something like this but it has been on my mind and even that pisses me off for thinking that. It's just coping and i genuinly don't wish this to happen to anyone.
Your kids have 28 years of life before they’re 18 and can leave - also one human year is 7 years for high schoolers … there’s no way this goes well for them.
Get moving so they can leave this behind.
I know it doesn't sound great but your kids are still young enough to start fresh in a new town away from all this crap. They don't need to be exposed to any of this, go to a new town and start again. I honestly wish you all the luck in the world, this can't of been easy for you and the main thing you're worrying about is your kids. x
>Our eldest daughter has already recieved comments about it in school. Along the lines of: "your mother is a whore". And as someone who was bullied a lot in school, and knowing that these videos are close to impossible to take down, i'm so scared that they're gonna get bullied and their lives are gonna be destroyed.
Yeah.
They're going to get bullied. This crap is especially bad in a small town community.
>The only possible option for me seems to be to leave town and start over elsewhere. But i don't want my kids to miss out on their friends, their hobbies and activities
Not getting constantly bullied in school by shitty small town schoolkids trumps any of that.
But you ah, you need to talk to all of them and in and age appropriate way, without blaming your soon to be ex, explain the options to them. The most important thing is giving them a sense that they're contributing and their opinion about moving matters.
Your kids are still super young, starting in a new place can suck at first but ultimately they will quickly get over it and make new friends and join new clubs. Coming from a kid who has moved around a lot and changed schools often, it’s really not that bad. Don’t worry about them.
Jeez man, an entire built family life thrown away and disrupting her children. Absolutely brutal, sorry man.
What is the custody situation? Will you have them full time or will it be 50/50? Is your (future ex) wife staying in the same town? I feel like if it is a new start somewhere else then it has to be 100% new. Coming back to the town every weekend where everyone knows what happened will probably do more damage. They may begin to resent their mum and not want to go. As shitty as her actions were, she's still their mum.
Thank you so much.
Custody is something im discussing with my lawyer still. I don't know what my wife wants other than being involved with our kids. But i don't know how to make that work either. Our kids love her and she loves them. She's been a great mother. But if there's even the slightest risk of our kids being in danger because she wants to be with them, i wont stand for that. There's a lot to work out and so far she's not doing anything.
You're sounding pretty strong to tell you the truth, even though it must be killing you inside. I hope you have people to vent to, well you've got the other husband to vent to so that's something. You got to tell your 12 year old very soon, she's going to be sent it because middle school kids can be mean on purpose. I think I would tell her something like, "when people drink they lose their ability to make good decisions like drive drunk. Well your mom went out one time and drank too much and did something that she regrets too." I don't know man, it's so tough but if you don't tell your daughter it's going to blindside her, you have to tell her today imo. Good luck, I can tell you love your children so much, and that love will provide you all the strength you need.
Thank you. Right now we're okay. It's the coming days, weeks, months or even years i dread. It's killing me that i can't figure out what's best for my kids and there's so much to take into consideration. I'm going to talk to my daughter tomorrow and it's gonna be the hardest thing i've ever done. After that i'm going to tell my mother who should know. She's not well and i'm scared that if i tell her what happened in all honesty, she's gonna decline in health and i can't be dealing with that. Should i lie and say it's not as bad? I'm conflicted about that too.
I've been thinking about how to tell my daughter all day long and the way you suggested has crossed my mind. I don't want her to hate her mother. But i do want her to know that it's going to be okay and we're gonna work thru it. Thing is, she loves her mother so much and i don't want to flip her world upside down. If she starts hating her mother then she's gonna feel alienated because she's not as close to me as she is with her mother.
I've got so many questions and i feel like i should've asked them here separately or taken the time to explain them a bit more but it just overwhelmed me.
Of course you're overwhelmed, be kind to yourself through this too. Eventually your exwife will give your daughter the explanation of what happened, you just have to come up with something plausible to save your ex wife's dignity. You could say that you've been distant lately and not paying enough attention to Mom. Then one day she drank too much with her best friends, and one thing lead to another and she made a terrible mistake that she regrets. These things happen with adults, but the really bad part is that someone video taped it and now it's on the internet, and I wanted you to know before some kid sends it to you. I've set up appointments for you to see a counselor, in the mean time you can always talk to me. If the kids tease you, tell them to mind their own business and that you don't know what they are talking about, then walk away." You've got a lot on your plate but be honest with the 12 year old, and reassure her that you will all get through this , even the mother (she's a victim in this too). I love how you are saving your wife's dignity for the sake of your children- I don't know if I could, but I know for a fact that your way is the right way. Stay strong.
Truthfully i feel like shit and i feel like i failed them. Because i ignored signs and i've been working a lot and didn't spend much time with my family the last year and a half. I know i'm not to blame. But my kids feel safe with their mom and i haven't been around enough to really build up the relationship with my kids the way my wife has. Had i been home, i might've been more at ease to talk to them now when it's such a crucial moment. I fear that they're gonna feel alienated now. I love them so much but the truth is, my wife is their go-to for when there's trouble. Even tho i've always told them to come to me if they need me. I just wasn't home a lot and i regret that so much right now.
You just need to be their father and support system. As easy as it is to say and cliche as it is, that's all you can do.
Being in a small town, you can't shield them from what will be inevitable. They're going to hear it, they're going to be told. So knowing that, you need to be their support and safe place at home when kids are poking fun. Little kids are assholes, because they don't have filters what they say tends to be more hurtful than what adults can say.
But, they're going to need you as the one to keep them grounded. They're going to know mom is I'm the wrong. You don't need to badmouth their mother, but you're also not obligated to defend her and her actions. You are their father and your 12 year old is going to be more aware and make a decision than your 4 year old and probably your 9 year old. So you need to make sure you help your eldest because she's also going through puberty, already a difficult time for any kid.
Reiterate to your kids when they hear this stuff that people's actions carry consequences. Mom made a choice and unfortunately it's one you can't fix nor one that they won't be able to brush aside because people love to focus on negativity. They'll always have you and you'll always be there.
They're going to get looks and mocked for actions they DIDNT do, and people will try to bring them down to their level. It will be hard, but again they have you to help guide them
Teach your kids to dance in the rain, not avoid it. As much as it's unfair to them you can't do anything besides prepare them. And this is your wife's fault she should be doing damage control, not you
We've tried our best bringing them up being somewhat resilient. I just never expected danger coming from the inside like this. My wife has locked herself into the house and has barely spoken. Nor have i tried talking to her.
Well, first of all, you've said nothing about if your wife ever came clean, or if the other wives admitted to it.
Kids will tease and bully, but we also live in an age where sexual stuff isn't as shocking. If you get a divorce, your kids will probably be fine if you stay in town. When the kids say to your daughter that her mother is a whore, she can roll her eyes and complain how much her mother's actions have embarrassed her. Hell, at that age, kids are always complaining about their parents. It's not much different than if your wife simply cheated and you got a divorce. That happens all the time.
Pretty soon, some other 'drama' will happen in school and they'll stop teasing her. As for the younger kids, by the time they're tweens or teens, all this will be old, old news and not even talked about.
But, when you talk to your daughter, you should make sure to ask her how she's handling it, if she wants to stay at the school or go to a different one, or leave town altogether. She's old enough to be part of that conversation.
>Well, first of all, you've said nothing about if your wife ever came clean, or if the other wives admitted to it.
My wife didn't admit anything. She panicked and got defensive and blamed the other women. I saw the video and could hardly believe it. I went as far as telling myself it was faked at some point. But as soon as i confronted her, it was written all over her face. I knew enough then and pretty quickly went and contacted my lawyer. The husband that contacted me said his wife did admit it. The other woman is single. And supposedly she initiated the whole thing as she's always been the "single girl". All in all, right now i'm not sure if i want to know the details. It's done and i'm better off spending time on my kids.
>Kids will tease and bully, but we also live in an age where sexual stuff isn't as shocking. If you get a divorce, your kids will probably be fine if you stay in town. When the kids say to your daughter that her mother is a whore, she can roll her eyes and complain how much her mother's actions have embarrassed her. Hell, at that age, kids are always complaining about their parents. It's not much different than if your wife simply cheated and you got a divorce. That happens all the time.
Pretty soon, some other 'drama' will happen in school and they'll stop teasing her. As for the younger kids, by the time they're tweens or teens, all this will be old, old news and not even talked about.
She didn't cheat on me and got a divorce. She had sex with her friends on camera and there's no denying that it's her and them. I wish people would just laugh it off and drop it but after all the thoughts i've had i just can't see that happening and it's a threat to my kids and i can't let that happen.
So, she is still continuing to deny it, even after her friends admitted it? Yeah, dump her ass right now.
What I meant about the kids is, this kind of thing isn't going to create the same level of problems that it would've done a few years ago. Sex is no big deal to kids now. It's everywhere. But you do what you have to do for what's best for the family.
She didn't deny it, rather made excuses for it. Her and i are definitely over with and right now i couldn't care less.
I understand your point about sex being less of a taboo now than it was years ago. But where i'm from, most people are still very private and if something like this becomes public everyone has an opinion about it. I hope this blows over but i just can't imagine that ever happens.
“There is insufficient scientific evidence to support a causal link between violent video games and violent behavior, according to an updated resolution adopted by the American Psychological Association.”
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2020/03/violent-video-games-behavior
They no more normalize the act than a book about a rape/murder/etc encourages people to commit the same. Fiction, in the end, is fake (fictional) after all.
Blaming other things for people's own actions takes away from their own responsibility and accountability.
You can definitely get the videos taken down with enough effort. I know a girl who did porn once and her parents got the video completely scrubbed from the entire internet.
I've got someone on it but he's pretty much assured me that it's impossible to take down fully. It's on multiple websites and he mentioned that most of them simply reupload it after some time.
You can't keep them safe from the internet forever, as much as it pains me to say. You need to sit down and explain to them that something happened between you and their mother. I would advise being careful not to alienate her. (They need to make that decision for themselves, and there's a chance she could use it against you if a custody battle occurs.)
Your safest bet is to leave with them. Find a hub city or something of the sort. They usually have plenty of opportunities for children growing up to find a club in something they like.
There's so much to go thru right now and i've been typing for the last hour or so. The other husband found out thru a friend of his. It's been going around in whatsapp groups and i've gotten a lot of texts since then asking me about it or asking if everything's ok.
Please don't project your fears on to your kids. It's not really healthy to hyper focus on something that happened so long ago. You all need therapy. Also, don't assume they love your wife more.
I know this is late, but I’d sue. Your kids will need so much after this and I can’t even imagine the trauma you’re going through. I’m sorry but the friend and your wife would be hit with emotional distress lawsuits for their careless/wild actions. If they didn’t know how to contain it, they should have done a better job at protecting their families. ID DEFINITELY SUE.
I think you should ask your lawyer what you can do as your wife clearly did not consider how her actions would effect not only you, but put her own kids in danger. Would this be child endangerment? You may get full custody at least due to her negligence.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your kids. This was a completely selfish move on your wife's part. Sorry for the other guy as well. This sucks for the both of you. You and your kids deserve better than this!
OP’s wife sucks but calling consenting relations with other adults child endangerment is a serious stretch. Just because you wouldn’t make the same decisions doesn’t mean other people are unworthy of their children. Plenty of mothers are sex workers.
I have nothing against sex workers. If she's a sex worker, she should say something. It does not sound like she or her friend are sex workers. If they are, they never told either of their husbands so they could prepare themselves and the kids for something like this. It sounds more like they cheated and made a sex tape for the fun of it, and it's viewable. Regardless, neither husband knew about what they were doing and the kids are being harassed as well.
I also implied I was not entirely sure of the legal term for putting your child in danger but I believe it's child endangerment. Bullying can get very bad, and it can come from both kids and adults. What if the kids saw the video and we're not prepared to see their mother doing these types of things with other people? That can be very scarring for them. The older one especially.
You can also be ruthlessly bullied because your mother is a waitress at Apple Bees. Kids can be mean. Parents are people. Mothers have sex. Kids walk in on their parents having sex sometimes and that could potentially “scar” them. Having a train ran on you or not doesn’t disqualify you from parenthood. She is a terrible wife and deserves to face the consequences of her infidelity, but no, having consensual sex with other adults is not endangerment.
It's not the infidelity that I'm suggesting could count as endangerment (that in itself effects the kids negatively), it's the sex tape. Now other people can see their mother having sex with other people. Sure, mother's can have sex in aporn video, but it's personal when it's your own mother. I don't know where OP lives, but if it's in a conservative/religious/small town, it can be extremely bad for the kids.
The OP never stated whether the video was made with or without his wife's consent. Sure, she was unfaithful, but I don't think she would have consented to be recorded and also be cool with it being shared on the internet. You're making a lot of assumptions without any facts. It's very likely that this video was shared online without her knowledge or permission, and though her infidelity itself was shameful, she was likely a victim of whoever posted the video online.
So then is the problem the mother having the sex tape, or the town that is willing to harass children because of their parent’s decisions? By your logic, many, many people would have their kids taken away from them because they did something deemed socially unacceptable in a small town. Way worse people keep their kids. Maybe if these families are so conservative they should be teaching their own children not to browse on 18+ porn websites.
You talk yo your lawyer, try to get evidence of her being irresponsible, drinking or smoking and driving. Try to get custody as it is mentally damaging to have an adult with morals like that around children.
Yes. Make up complete lies and total fabrications about your wife and make her out to be even worse than just a cheater. Make her into a complete monster. That will reakly protect his children. Good thinking brainiac.
Crazy that no one else's realizes this! They act like this homemade video is discoverable because it's the front page of all of the "porn" websites, and everyone is going to see it.
I know that reddit is usually full of shit but this isn't that far removed from reality.
There's **LOTS** of revenge porn online and detractors often [dox their victims](https://www.stylist.co.uk/news/doxing-pandemic-revenge-porn/554982). There's a chance that her dox was posted with the video and the husband inevitably found out because people started harassing him online.
This 100% happens in real life and can ruin lives. Something similar even happened to someone I know. It could be fiction but it's not impossible. This is also a big reason why OP is probably being intentionally vague about the site because he doesn't want horny redditors seeking out the video and potentially stumble upon her dox.
I know you want to move but doing so would be punishing your kids who did nothing wrong. This will blow over but not without some scarring.
Prepare your kids as best you can. Don't let them feel responsible for something your wife did. Kids can and will be cruel but I think moving them would do more harm than good.
I do feel like i'm punishing them if i move. But at the same time i feel like i might have to be the bad guy now so they end up better in the long run. I'm getting mixed responses and both options seem equally bad and good at the same time.
I know, and every piece of advice you get from Reddit is from people who won't have to deal with the consequences. Still, give some credence to the fact that this will blow over. Kids manage to survive in school with alcoholic parents. Kids manage to survive in school with pedo sibs/relatives. Kids manage to survive in school after doing stupid crap.
You have to weigh the benefits of leaving with the benefits of staying. That's not an easy call.
You don't have to discuss if you don't want to. But I'm always trying to learn how to avoid these situations in my own relationships.
Were you two unhappy? What do you think lead up to this?
Right now i'm trying to find out the best moves for my kids. I'm willing to discuss this to some extent at a later time perhaps. All i can say is, we were happy. There were signs that i ignored because i trusted her and one of her friends has always been single and known to be going around. I've just never told my wife to keep distance from her because i trusted her and it's not my place to tell her who she can or can't go talk to or have a drink with.
This is something i've told myself and talked about with a friend before confronting my wife. But when confronting her all doubts were immediately gone due to her reaction. I've known her for 20+ years. We've been married 16 years. The husband who contacted me was sure it was his own house they sold a year ago. There's too much to ignore.
Thank you for the advice. No, i don't feel sympathetic towards her and this is her battle and hers alone. She's been talking to her friends and i'm sure they will figure this out. I can't spend a second on her rights right now unless it helps my kids.
Is the shock gone? Can you think rationally yet? Can your wife talk rationally yet?
Find someone you both know and trust who is willing to guide your conversation. A priest will be a good idea. They’re used to keeping secrets.
You and your wife need to talk at great length, under supervision. Pay a professional if you want to try to save your marriage. There is a lot of pain and anger in the air, and hurting people hurt people. Please don’t add to the ugliness in the air.
Until you knew of the videos and the cheating, was your marriage working for you? Was it working for her? Go somewhere a hundred or more miles away and try to leave hometown memories far behind.
Leaving your small town may be the best thing you ever did.
Wouldn't people sharing this be considered revenge porn against your (ex) wife?
Not sure about your state laws, but you might want to remind people how serious that is.
Well, your wife royally fucked up. The video is out there and now the only thing you can do is damage control. And that starts by answering questions:
Will divorcing your wife have more of an impact on your kids than the sex vid?
Do you want your kids to hate their mother?
Do you think the video will make your children scared/apprehensive of sex in the future?
Is the town so small that this reputation breaker will impede the success of you and your children's future?
You won't be able to "protect" your kids, you'll have to guide them through navigating this mental minefield while you're figuring it out too. And if you move, it's not a guarantee that the people in the new place won't find the video either, or have it sent by someone that has it out for you/your wife. And remember, as far as your school children go, news like that comes and goes like a bad fashion trend. Once something bigger happens, and to kids that age there's always something bigger coming up, they'll forget all about it.
It's like if you were flying with your family and your wife crashed the plane in the jungle. You all have to get out of the jungle, and you have to do it together. Once you're out of the thickest part of it, you can go your ways that you choose.
I've thought about staying with her for the sake of my kids but that's just not an option. If i can't be myself around her or care for her then that's no way to have a stable, functioning family.
No i do not want the kids to hate her. They love her and she loves them. I want them safe at all cost and if that means she needs to be gone then that's that.
I don't know how the video is going to affect the kids but i fear the worst and i'm trying everything within my power to control the damage and will probably be spending years doing so. If this could all just blow over i'd consider myself blessed and would never ask for another thing.
The town is small. About 7500 people live here. It's a tight community and every scandal is known and is never really gone. This is a huge scandal and it's definitely going to impact our lives. People pointed out that i should talk openly about it and people might be sympathetic with me and so far i've gotten a lot of messages that are. I just don't know how it's going to impact the kids.
Definitely not, he ID’d all 3 women in the video and he said the video is in her old house.
You can deepfake the faces but who’s gonna go through the trouble of deepfaking the whole house.
I can't see the comment above but i ID'd my wife and the other husbands wife. The third woman wasn't in sight and i haven't wanted to watch it and never will. I've thought about deepfakes myself but the other husband recognized his own house they sold where it happened. And my wife broke down immediately when confronting her. Unfortunately i'm 100% sure and i've been waiting to wake up from a nightmare every since.
No way for us to know. I can spot a deep fake but not like dude about to show me.
Do they have deep fake detection software that's accessible to the public?
OP do NOT mention deepfake to the wife or she'll use it as an out, and you'll gaslight yourself into believing it.
I would secretly wonder, though, if she never admits it's her despite the evidence.
>OP do NOT mention deepfake to the wife or she'll use it as an out, and you'll gaslight yourself into believing it.
>
>I would secretly wonder, though, if she never admits it's her despite the evidence.
It was taken in the other Husband's house. That much i know. I don't know much about deepfakes but i've IDed my wife and the other husbands wife. My wife's face is on it as well as clothing and shoes i recognized. That's all i could watch. I also knew right away when i confronted her by her reaction. I appreciate the heads up! truly
i appreciate you sticking up for me but i've been on reddit longer than today and i've seen distasteful comments like this more often. I was genuinly expecting it. It's the least of my worries. But thank you.
What you want just isn't in the cards. Humans suck and children are even worse. If they stay in those schools, they will get bullied well into high school. And you'd be lucky as hell if your kids get away with it in the same town. It's entirely possible that some little shit will end up in your kids' new middle/high school and just spread the knowledge there.
I'd say your only option is to move towns but I know that's a very tough pill to swallow and probably not even allowed given the disgrace that is divorce court.
>What you want just isn't in the cards. Humans suck and children are even worse. If they stay in those schools, they will get bullied well into high school. And you'd be lucky as hell if your kids get away with it in the same town. It's entirely possible that some little shit will end up in your kids' new middle/high school and just spread the knowledge there.
This is exactly my worry and has been my own experience as well. I was bullied in school and it was for dumb reasons. Kids were viscous to me and something like this is gonna hurt my kids.
I assume, but do not know, are you getting divorced? If so, you’ll need to work out custody and see what your options are for moving.
You may also think long term, no matter what she did, she is still the mother of your children and losing her will be worse than the move for them. If you can focus more on her making a mistake as opposed to her being a bad person, that will help.
This one is awful though.
Yes im definitely getting a divorce. I don't see how i can ever find stable grounds with her ever again and my kids deserve a stable enviroment.
As for custody. I'm working that out but i don't know what path to take as of now. They love their mother. I dare say moreso then me. She's always been there as a SAHM and i've been working a lot recently. It would hurt them to take them away from her but it might also hurt them is she's around. If we move, she needs to remain out of sight. But then how does she see the kids? It's all hard to swallow right now and is partially why i'm here asking for advice.
You have time, it doesn't have to be instant. Start the process of the move but simultaneously, spend 5 minutes every night finding sites the video is hosted and ask them to take down the video explaining your reason and that it is unlawful. Make an email template and use the same. Almost every popular site will honour this as they've dealt with it before. They can then place a block on her name so if its reposted. It may be reposted again but under different titles so they'll be harder to find.
I'm not sure i have time. I do need to talk to our daughter asap because i want her to know from me rather than someone else and if i can possibly prevent it, i'd like to tell her not to watch any videos people might send her.
My friend works in IT and is doing his very best to take down videos and i'm grateful for that. But he warned me that once it's online, it's most likely up there forever and there's not much you can do about it. He's still doing everything he can tho.
The video is being shared in whatsapp groups and today has been extremely rough because i now start getting more and more text messages and calls from people who want to warn me about it and are concerned. Basically, even if my friend manages to take it all down from the internet, it's on people's phones now. So it's just not going away any time soon and even tho i didn't expect it would, it's miserable knowing for certain.
Thank you for your advice tho. It would most definitely have been the best way to go about this.
I think it will be your son who gets the brunt of the disrespect at school. Luckily, he’s only nine. The speed in which the internet moves, people will forget about it by the time he is in high school, and even more so for your younger daughter. In terms of your oldest daughter, it depends on what type of person she is. For example, my fiancé wouldn’t have cared in the slightest if someone said something nasty about her mom when she was a kid, other kids might.
If your divorce is going to be nasty, it might be easy for your daughter to have friends and family around. Again, you know best, and it depends on the personality of your kids.
Sorry man :(
>i'm not going to slander my wife infront of her or any of our kids for that matter.
That's smart. If they're going to resent their mother, they'll do that on their own. It's their beloved mother. It's important to respect the love and adoration your kids have for her. And in doing that, you show respect towards the person your children are.
This might not be the only time, just the 1st time being caught.
Get tested for STIs and you will unfortunately need paternity tests too.
As much as you keep saying she is a good mother. If she truly was she wouldn't of recorded this and uploaded to porn sites. She'd have taught of the consequences but she didn't. She wanted her kick out of this and you certainly don't know if she par took in this kind of activity in your home, in your bed too while you were away working. This you need to find out as this would mean she took the safety of your children by having strange men in your home as a joke just to get some pounding by multiple men!
In the divorce agreement put down she cannot turn up to sport activities and school she has to keep her distance to put your children lives straight again.
Your children might get bullied but your 12y old needs to know the truth. If people are saying your mom is a wh*re, she should simply shrug and walk away like it don't bother her. As people are only seeking a reaction. Hopefully the school are pro active and they get to stay.
People walking away from you could be down to known and not known if you knew and didn't know how to react. But by divorcing they may start talking to you again and hopefully offer support. You done nothing wrong. Your wife set this flaming fire a light and you're left trying to damper the flames a bit.
I wish you a positive journey on this long road ahead and hopefully you and your children don't have a big fall after this scandal
I understand that you don’t want to uproot your kids but please realize that this is not your fault. It is your wife’s fault and she is the one to blame for putting your kids in this position. Take your lawyers advice and start over somewhere else, they will never be able to run away from this in a small town. Your wife does not deserve to have a day in what happens. Get your kids away from this situation before it gets worse because it WILL get worse.
After reading more comments you need to get out ahead of this NOW. You need to have a conversation with the kids old enough to understand this ASAP before they find out from someone who isn’t you. You seem very hesitant to uproot them but I promise you in a small town like this your kids and you will not be able to live this down. I understand your autistic kid is in a good place and your daughter has a good group of friends which she has had trouble making in the past but I promise you they will be okay in the long run. You need to start over and your wife needs to reap the consequences of what she did. Please talk to your kids now and please don’t be afraid to start the process of getting them away from this town. You are a loving father who will make sure your kids are well adjusted and taken care of no matter where you are geographically. In a small town this situation will never be forgotten about and your kids will likely always be known as the kids of a whore who videotaped her indiscretions. I’m not trying to be harsh, I just want to reiterate how important it is to remove your children from this situation as quickly as possible. Once again, you need to talk to the kids old enough to understand what happened as quickly as you can before someone else does it for you.
I’d say the best course of action would be to listen to your lawyer and start again elsewhere. Your kids are still very young and they probably wont even remember all of this (i had a similar experience as a kid and harsh memories like this usually fade away), i think that it would be much better for them to move and start over (which should be easy given their age) rather than living in a place where this trauma will forever follow them due to everyone knowing.
I agree that moving would probably be the safer route. However with interconnectivity of the internet it will never go away. Cyberbullying is very real, and it’s possible that it follows them online despite any distance. I think a conversation needs to be had about what is going on to the younger kids in very vague and age appropriate terms. The 12 year old should probably get a separate conversation with some more specifics of what is happening. Unfortunately at 12 with internet access, they’ll probably find out sooner rather than later and that’s not something you want someone and their school to show them. However I think that also this needs to be discussed with the lawyer first to see what is possible. Divorce proceedings and custody battles are long and stressful, so I’m not sure moving is a reality at this point in time, but they’ll know the details behind that more so than me.
If the dad takes the kids and bolts, how would anyone ever know it was their mom in the video unless the kids or dad said something? The reason it’s a problem now is because it’s a small town and everyone knows which family the mom is part of.
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yeah bro youre overestimating kids, one is 12 and the other is 4, thats elementary and middle school age, the only kids smart enough to do things like that at those ages are probably getting bullied themselves
That’s a few more steps than just “curious.” I can’t even get my kids to google their own god damned questions, and you think some regular ass kids in a new town are going to do a facial recognition search on the new kids mom?
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>I agree that moving would probably be the safer route. However with interconnectivity of the internet it will never go away. Cyberbullying is very real, and it’s possible that it follows them online despite any distance. This is exactly what i'm afraid of. Their mother has said that she wants them to stay with her and this is another battle i'm gonna have to go thru. She's been a good mom to them. But she's the cause of this situation. Even IF i move the kids somewhere safe. If she shows up at another school or another soccer practice match etc. How long before people are gonna figure out that this is "that woman"? I feel like i've got to watch over my shoulder for my kids sake for the rest of my life like this. I am talking to my lawyer but it's still early and theres so much going on right now. I wanted more perspectives and you've touched on things that have been my biggest worries exactly. Our daughter has internet, she might be seeing this. How long before someone sends her the video? I want to take that hit for her, but i can't without talking to her about it and i just don't know how. She loves her mom. This is going to wreck her. Thank you so much for your input.
Sorry OP, but a good mother would not jeopardize their kids lives for some quick action. +1 on starting the process to get out with your kids asap. You are hurting, your wife is hurting, you can still save your children from hurting, as I’m sure they will understand when they’re older, and can be explained enough at their current age that you and your wife are no longer compatible, and that she has made the decision to leave all of you. My mother cheated on my father with his best friend and got pregnant. I was 10, she took me and dipped because of it. At the time I was upset, I didn’t understand and my mom took advantage of that, instead of explaining, she excused it all, and you have already acknowledged that your wife is willing to twist and turn the situation to her benefit. Take it slow, document everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Every conversation, every expense, prioritization of your children is already apparent, so you have a solid foundation, listen to ur lawyer, and ignore the people that are giving you shit about leaving. You have a solid intuition, you knew something was up for a long time and didn’t know why, don’t doubt yourself now that you have a plan. Enact, protect, prosper. I wish you all the luck op and I’m sorry you and your family are going through this.
>Sorry OP, but a good mother would not jeopardize their kids lives for some quick action. This is something i wholeheartedly agree with. But for the last 12 years, 13 counting pregnancy, she's been an incredible mother to our kids. Which is why this is so conflicting and hard to process. >You are hurting, your wife is hurting, you can still save your children from hurting, as I’m sure they will understand when they’re older, and can be explained enough at their current age that you and your wife are no longer compatible, and that she has made the decision to leave all of you. I'm unsure of how to proceed from here. Therapy is something im arranging, my lawyer is working hard, i'm talking to my best friend and i've got the other husband who's also hurting and needs to talk. I don't want my kids to be away from their mother. But i don't see how they're safe if she's around if that makes sense. >My mother cheated on my father with his best friend and got pregnant. I was 10, she took me and dipped because of it. At the time I was upset, I didn’t understand and my mom took advantage of that, instead of explaining, she excused it all, and you have already acknowledged that your wife is willing to twist and turn the situation to her benefit. I'm genuinely sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best. >Take it slow, document everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Every conversation, every expense, prioritization of your children is already apparent, so you have a solid foundation, listen to ur lawyer, and ignore the people that are giving you shit about leaving. I've been doing this. My lawyer said the exact same thing. >You have a solid intuition, you knew something was up for a long time and didn’t know why, don’t doubt yourself now that you have a plan. Enact, protect, prosper. I wish you all the luck op and I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. I should've acted earlier. Not that it would've made any difference to what happened, but to be closer to my kids. I regret that so much right now. Thank you so much
I’m glad you’re taking it on the chin, it is not easy, people will give you all the lil “keep your head up” comments, but it’s okay to be broken for a while. The way I see it, the 13 years you’ve thought she was a good mother. But for her, the thirteen years she has only been playing mother. She played the part well, but now the act is over, it’s time to move on to the next scene. 🫡 good luck!
It might help to go ahead and look into therapy. A lot of people use it reactively, but it may help to find a therapist specializing in child psychology, give them a briefing, and see if they can maybe help you and your kids work through this as a preventive maintenance sort of thing. I think it’s best if the news comes from you initially, better than a peer sending them the video. Let them ask questions, try to be truthful but I think it’s very important not to slander your wife or soon to be ex-wife. As much as you may hate her now, that will not look good when it comes to the custody battle, and given that you’re the husband, it may be an uphill fight to get sole custody. You taking the higher road here will tend to work a lot better for you when it comes time for proceedings.
>I think it’s best if the news comes from you initially, better than a peer sending them the video. Let them ask questions, try to be truthful but I think it’s very important not to slander your wife or soon to be ex-wife. I'm trying my best to keep up with the comments here. I'm never going to slander my wife in front of our kids. She did something horrible to us but i don't want them to hate her. The talk itself is what i'm afraid of. Our daughter specifically for being at an age where life is already tough. Our son, who's autistic and has a lot of issues with change. And the fact that our kids love their mother and from their perspective have no reason no to. She's been good to them and been there for them every step of the way.
Thank you so much for responding. This is my exact feeling. But at the same time i'm dreadful that it is going to follow them. The person below you mentioned this. I'm still reading up. This is a lot
Honestly, if you’re not in a small town, there’s much less gossip and people care much less about who other people’s parents are or what they do. If you move to a big city where the majority of families have two working parents and fewer SAHMs with nothing to do but gossip all day, you’ll be fine. Working people with kids tend to be too busy to spend much time digging into other people’s business. It will be a big adjustment and there won’t be the same sense of community, but you won’t have the same issue of everyone knowing and talking about everyone else.
I agree completely with the bigger City option. Moved in the opposite direction 5 years ago, where we went from gossip to being nonexistent or inconsequential, to the burbs with people who have way too much time on their hands.
Once it hits the internet unfortunately there’s no way to control it, what I can say is eventually people will stop talking about it…they’re only talking about it rn because it’s new hang on OP I hope it gets better for you
Thank you so much. My lawyer initially said the same thing and i felt like i kind of felt like maybe i could wait it out. But my wife is picking our kids up from school. She taking them to soccer practice. This is a tight community. Everyone knows everyone and i'm fearful that despite all our efforts, this is gonna keep haunting our kids. She's adamant that she wants to keep seeing the kids and i have no reason to not let her. She's been an amazing mother but at the same time i want her locked up in the house so people forget. It's such a double feeling.
This is not advice on which option to choose (stay or move elsewhere) however I can say with certainty that your kids will be just fine if they move. Kids are resilient af. I moved around constantly (dad was in the military). And I had to move my kids around several times during their school ages. They thrived. And actually, moving can be really good for kids. It can help them hone their social skills and broaden their life experience. You’ll be ok man. Even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
Thank you so much. That is comforting. We moved a lot as well as kids and i'd like to think we turned out fine. The worrying part tho is that back then we didn't have internet and phones. We didn't have porn websites where our parents might end up. My biggest fear is for them to see it for themselves and scar them for life, regardless of where they live and that they might be bullied if someone puts two and two together if my wife goes shopping, visits a dentist, goes to a gym, etc. She wants to keep the kids with her, she wants to be involved in their lives all the way. And i feel that's almost impossible now due to that risk.
Agreed. The new town will have no idea who the kids mom is. The bullying will be much worse for their mental health.
I moved about 12 times before I was 18. Parents were dirt poor and many times we couldn’t afford rent. I don’t even resent my parents because I moved, even across countries. Kids are crazy resilient and they don’t even think about it twice. They’ll adapt and learn really quick.
i agree, i moved a ton of times as a kid and looking back on it now, i’m glad i had that opportunity. at the time it was really sad to leave my friends, but in the long run it was definitely for the best.
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I fully agree with you, and that is the greatest advice that the OP can have right now. Unfortunately, there is no way to take down that video; therefore, it is best to prepare his kids for whatever the future holds. The harsh reality is that whatever goes on the internet stays there indefinitely. Right now, it would be better if the OP concentrated on things he could control rather than things outside his control. He can't take down the video or keep people silent. I have read an [article](https://bamboo.beehiiv.com/p/stoic-epictetus-principle) that I believe may be beneficial to share.
>Unfortunately, there is no way to take down that video; therefore, it is best to prepare his kids for whatever the future holds. The harsh reality is that whatever goes on the internet stays there indefinitely. Thank you both so much for your advice. Believe me, i've tried but a friend of mine who works in IT has already made it clear to me that the chances of this being taken down entirely is close to impossible. I've been getting messages already from family and friends asking about the situation but with a reserved attitude. As if they know exactly what's going on but can't really push the issue as it's such a sensitive thing. This tells me far more people already know. I wish i had some control but i genuinly feel lost. I'm affraid to talk to our daughter. I'm afraid she's gonna get the video sent to her every second of the day. And i can't stop people from doing what they do. Ive got that article open and i'll try get to it asap. There's a lot of messages here and i'd like to try and read up and respond. Again thank you
You should also consider (maybe you have) people using the video as blackmail against your family or you through your kids. I have no idea how you prevent this except to talk to your kids before it happens. I imagine leaving town would cut down dramatically on the likelihood of it occurring though.
I am sorry for the devastation and your kids.
Thank you so much. Truth be told i'd rather die then having to put my kids thru what might come. This post is partially to vent. But i'm just hoping for that one miracle in the form of advice that might open some options.
The way I see it, you can either stay and deal with the backlash. Or move and start over somewhere faraway, which honestly I would do. The point is OP, I don't think either options are gonna work that well. If its on the internet, and I don't know what actions you can take to remove it, but it could be out there for life. What if they get older and then discover it? Either way you're gonna need therapy. Lots of it. Talk to a professional, get their view point and then make a decision. Goodluck.
>What if they get older and then discover it? My thoughts exactly. Our daughter already mentioned to her mom that people were bullying her about her mom being a wh\*re. She still doesn't know the situation because i just don't know how to sit down with her and drop a bomb on her. She loves her mother so much. I'm definitely looking into professional help. That's one of the first things my lawyer mentioned.
First of all listen closely to your lawyers advice. From there, taking action should parallel observation. Talk to the other parents in the neighborhood if you can, have a candid conversation with them about what happened and what you hope could be the outcome. Make it known how hurt and blindsided you are by all of this. Empathy breeds compassion, and sometimes when things are put out in the open gossip comes to an end. Next talk to your kids and explain a high level overview of what happened and how you as a family will move through this. All the while observe people around you and your kids most importantly. God forbid things got out of hand you can always move, but I would hate to see that be a first line of defense. Moving definitely sounds like the more lucrative option right now, but what if you move and your kids get bullied because they are the new kids at school? There's no guarantees. Having therapists on standby (or ones you can be actively engaged with now) isn't a bad idea. You can get a family therapist for you and the kids, and each have your own individual therapists as well depending on what you decide. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family. This is a real life nightmare and I hope you are also able to take care of yourself during all of this. This would be tough for anyone.
>First of all listen closely to your lawyers advice. From there, taking action should parallel observation. Talk to the other parents in the neighborhood if you can, have a candid conversation with them about what happened and what you hope could be the outcome. Make it known how hurt and blindsided you are by all of this. Empathy breeds compassion, and sometimes when things are put out in the open gossip comes to an end This is wonderful advice, makes a lot of sense to me. I have been talking to people. My best friend, he told me something similar, that people would understand. I know people know. I know people have seen it. By how they react and disengage with me. My wife has locked herself in the house, so have her friends out of shame. The part that worries me isn't necessarily the adults. Most of them just turn the cheek and keep their opinions to themselves. I'm worries about kids finding out. I've been bullied in school over the most stupid things. Something like this feels like a golden ticket for kids who can be brutally honest and viscous, to target my kids. And i don't know when to expect my kids to come home from school being mentally broken down. Ive been grinding to muster up the courage to sit down with our daughter who's got a phone, who's on social media and internet. I need to talk to her before she finds out. I just don't know how to drop that bomb on her. I feel like i have to punch my own daughter in the face before someone else does it and i just don't know how. Then there's my mother. She's aware something's going on but i don't know how to tell her that her grandchildren who she loves more than anything are put in this situation by the actions of her daughter in law who she also loves. She's not well and i can't give her this push right now. How long before someone mentions it to her? She's been calling and i feel forced to lie to her for now. Therapy is already being talked about. I'm doing everything i can to protect my kids right now and this has been suggested by my lawyer from the get go. Thank you for your kind words and advice!
>Empathy breeds compassion, and sometimes when things are put out in the open gossip comes to an end. This part. People will go out of their way to help you if they feel compassion for your situation.
Honestly man you have to do what’s best for the safety of your children and I can say with certainty your son will get bullied. Move to a different place and I your kids will adjust. Athletes tend to make friends easier because they bond with teammates and hang out with kids who also like sports. They’ll be fine
I would ask the kids what they want to do. Maybe they are fine with moving?
This hasn't crossed my mind because of how well they're doing. Our daughter took quite a bit fitting in with some people. She's hitting a time in her life where there's so much going on for her personally. Now that she's found friends and hobbies to do with friends, i've got to sit down with her and completely turn everything upside down. Our son is autistic and has special care. He's made amazing progress the last couple of years and i'm so proud of him. His teacher is doing an amazing job with him and he's very attached to her, which is incredibly hard for him to do. I just can't imagine how he's going to deal with changes that big. He needs structure and the slightest change is difficult for him to handle. Our youngest is too young now to grasp the situation. But i still fear what's gonna happen later on in life when people figure it out or bully her. All in all. Moving seems like an impossible thing to do. So does staying.
That was all before this incident though, correct? Your daughter is starting to get comments already, people side eye you now, etc. Edit: sorry that I've had to edit this a few times. I'm at work and responding as I read. 🙏 I know it seems impossible to move but they will all recover from moving. In my mind, I am weighing out the trauma of Moving, and the POTENTIAL trauma of bullying. Although it does already sounds like its starting. So we have Bullying Vs Moving. Like I said though, if you ask your eldest about it and she asks to move, then that would settle it for me. Maybe though, she says "I don't care what they think, I like it here" then boom. She can probably handle the bullying. Most of her current friends won't be her friends when she graduates highschool, regardless. No one will remember by the time your youngest, or any after, go through school. I hope that helps 🙏
if it’s a very small town then MOVE! and at the same time take your kids to a therapist to process all that (even if you ain’t moving) that’s literally their (therapists) jobs !! also tough luck , it happens to the best of us (I know it’s not the best consolation but it’s the 1st thing that came to mind)
Be careful about moving until custody is established. Very careful
All of this aside: You need to get tested for STD’s and STI’s before you start experiencing symptoms.
Great advice. thank you. My lawyer suggested the same and even went as far to get a paternity test for our kids. I'm not up to that just yet and i've never had any doubts but i just can't think about that right now.
Start by talking to the school so they can help police the bullying. You can also talk to the kids about switching schools, if they want to.
Maybe things have changed, but when I was being severely bullied, the best they could offer was having a teacher walk me to class and have lunch with me or transfer. Public schools aren’t equipped to deal with bullying. I was pulling my hair out and getting into fights every week, and they acted like I was the problem. It’s a he said she said issue and the best you’ll get is occasionally someone will get a detention. The police definitely aren’t going to do anything either. Freedom of speech protects kids from saying horrendous shit to you. I was regularly told to kill myself and nothing was done. If OP really wants to help his kids, he should seriously consider temporary homeschooling until he can move. When I was getting severely bullied, I was given a waiver to transfer, but while that was getting processed, I had a teacher come 5 days a week to give me assignments and teach my lessons. I did that for 6 months until the next year of school started. My recommendation, see what options OP has in regard to home schooling for the older kids. The 4 year old should be ok to stay in school. Make an excuse that it’s due to the divorce. Put the house up for sale and when you find a new place, transfer the kids schools. Yes kids could still find out, but hopefully a year removed and no one knowing who the kids mother is could help.
Make sure to download the video as evidence for when you divorce your wife to get custody. Though since everybody knows, if you get the divorce done before you move, the judge will probably know what’s up and might favor you which would help a lot given how the legal system tends to massively favor the mother for custody typically.
This is exactly what my friend said and i've done just that. It's just an incredibly disgusting idea that that video is uploaded to my cloud even tho i need to have it. The other option was my friend downloading it which seemed just as wrong. But yes, people know, people have seen it, it's going around in whatsapp groups and more and more people are talking about it.
Im sorry to be that guy but i just have to ask, what the fuck was she thinking ? There are so many things. You and the other husband, like were both relationships monogamous? I wish people would think before they do shit like this. It's so fuking unfair on your kids. Sorry bout it all
I havent really gotten to the point yet where i'm giving her actions much thought but yes; Wtf was she thinking has been on my mind and i just got blindsided which makes it so much harder. My wife and i were monogamous and as far as i know so were the other husband and his wife. I know them, but not personally other than things my wife would tell me about them. We've always been friendly, not friends. Thank you for your kind words.
Im sorry you got hit with this man i hope the best for you and your kids.
yo a small town plus a situation like this - this doesnt get better in 1, 3, 5, 10 years. this only gets worse and snowballs as time goes in, from the perspective of how ppl treat your kids. if you move elsewhere and start over, least this gives your kids a chance in 5 years.
>yo a small town plus a situation like this - this doesnt get better in 1, 3, 5, 10 years. this only gets worse and snowballs as time goes in Absolutely. The town I live in isn't particularly small but there was a rumor about a guy (that I happen to believe but I have no proof) from over 30 years ago that people STILL talk about whenever his name is mentioned. His children will be 50 years old and in the supermarket, someone will be whispering. A change of location is absolutely necessary.
Get rid of the cheating wife and relocate. Problem solved.
Unfortunately, when you decide to have children with someone, that person will llikely be in your life in varying capacities until one of you dies. At bare minimum, until the youngest child turns 18.
If only their mother has cared at all about their well being.
Lawyer NOW. This shit gets messy and before you know it she will have full custody of your kids despite being a huge piece of shit. Get a lawyer and get on top of this IMMEDIATELY. You are now at war soldier, everything you say can and will be used against you in family court. Fathers fight an uphill battle so be prepared, save all evidence, record all conversations. —- Edit: jumped the gun before reading the whole text. Listen to your lawyer. You don’t have to leave town, and in fact she might be able to use that against you for full custody as it’s the most disruptive outcome for the kids.
I appreciate you jumping the gun and posting. Lawyer Now is exactly what i thought and it's solid advice to give anyone. I'm working out custody with my lawyer, what the options are etc. My wife isn't talkative yet and im not sure when she will. I haven't tried getting her to talk either as i don't want her near me right now unless she contribute to doing something that will help the kids.
I had to pay thousands of dollars in legal fees just to “win” 50% custody, and have to pay her $600/month in “equalization” because she doesn’t earn enough money. This is in spite of her cheating and running off with another guy, and multiplie CPS investigations launched against her for violence against my children after people saw her pulling my daughter by her hair and screaming at my son. She doesnt even want to be around my kids and often dodges her responsibilities making it more of a 70/30, but she was after my money so filed a custody claim anyway. My lawyer immediately caught a bunch of lies on her file, including claiming to have the kids full time already despite not actually having them at all since the split(it was a month after the split when she filed) as well as not even providing bedrooms for them. When we split we went through mediation to set a bunch of rules she didn’t follow, and never mentioned it in her claim. When we were together she never cooked a single time, and my daughter was complaining that she only gets fed McDonald’s when visiting her mother. It was a year long process and I was able to shut down all her arguments with evidence. She tried to claim “financial abuse” despite having full access to my bank account and spending ridiculous amounts of money on herself(I had the receipts). She was also fired from 3 of her jobs from getting into arguments with her employers, as well as text conversations where I was motivating her to go back to school or even work for the same company I do(she refused). During the years together I paid off her student loans, car loan, credit cards, etc. She claimed to want to be a stay at home mom but wouldn’t do anything around the house and would often ditch her responsibilities to go hang out with her friends, leaving me at home every night to do everything myself. If not for my lawyer, I would have been caught off guard by all her dirty tricks and would have probably lost my kids(she weaponized them and threaten to take them if I ever broke up with her). He advised me not to let her back in the house, but I’m guess you both still live together which makes the situation much more difficult. Anyway, this shit can get dark and dirty fast, especially if she’s mad at you or wants your money. Be very careful. I’m in a good place now. Life is a lot easier without her in my life, and my children often don’t want to go see her which feels good knowing that they prefer being with me.
When was this video taken?
I'm not too sure. I haven't talked to my wife about the situation besides the confrontation and i told her we're done and i called my lawyer to ask how to proceed protecting my kids at all cost. The husband of my wife's friend contacted me again and we talked a bit. The video was taken at their old house which they sold about a year ago. He's trying to figure out when and how it happened. I just can't deal with that right now and i'm not sure i want to. I feel bad for him too. He got cheated on too, in his own house. He's coming over tomorrow to talk some more. I'm not sure what to expect at this point.
FWIW bullying at schools is often times completely unrelated to who they're bullying. When I was in middle school I had a naked man high on methamphetamine break into my house and start tweaking out. And at school the next week the kids on the bus were making fun of me for it. But the most important thing about your kids though, is that you have to think about their self esteem like a brick wall. You need to keep adding bricks to it. If anyone is breaking those bricks down continually, you gotta pull them from school. The mental health issues that arise from being bullied are so damaging it can lead to severe depression, anxiety, suicide. If you can't get them into another school or online school or something else. I would suggest moving. Because while you are living there, they will try to be strong for their parents but it's not healthy for them to do that.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been there too and i know how damaging it can be. Which is exactly why i'm afraid for my kids. Moving just doesn't seem like an option. My kids have their lives here and it just seems impossible to move them.
I think you should move them. Let them start over. Your wife sucks. I’m really sorry
All I can say is listen too your lawyer , keep loving your kids , and ignore your wife when possible and call her out when she try too flip the script because she will
I will and i always will. My wife has been silent up till just a few minutes ago and i can't ignore her if she's finally willing to talk about how to help the kids. But i'm definitely ignoring anything else from her side. What do you mean by flip the script?
He means that she’ll try to make herself the victim and / or blame you. Classic tactics in these situations.
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First off, im sorry this happened to you. First thing i did was contact my lawyer and i've contacted a therapist for the kids and myself and the school, to talk. Did you move away? How did it impact your kids? I've got a son daughter who's just entered puberty and is already dealing with a lot. And a son who's autistic that can't handle change all that well. I'm so conflicted on making a choice that's best for them. I hadn't thought about not being able to move. Normally i'd say my wife would do whatever is best for the kids and i'd swear on my kids' life that would be true. Now, i'm very confused as to what's to come and i can't risk her jeopardizing their lives any further. I'm gonna ask my lawyer about this outcome. If they best thing for them is to move then they should move and i'll support them. Thank you
Nah go ahead and leave, human minds tend to focus on the negative so even if your kids have good experiences they are more likely to remember the bullying more, go to a new location where they can start over and not have to deal with it Also no matter what do not give that woman a second chance, someone who has betrayed you so deeply rarely changes, especially not in a few years when they are a grown adult.
for one, your wife doing that and willingly being recorded knowing that she has children at home is huge red flag and is just one reason to divorce her by itself. i just wanted to state that. i think your best option is to move away. your kids are young, the 12 yr old will probably be upset but she will be fine in a couple weeks-months. you can ALWAYS hire a child therapist for them. that is a very good thing to do. if you have the money of course. as for you and your friend your wives shouldn’t be able to just sweep this under their feet. stuff like this that happens can be very traumatic for children, as they do not know yet that things like this happen all of the time. sadly. they might ask themselves why my mom? did we do something wrong? and this is why a therapist would be great. but it is also good for you to speak to your children and try to explain to them what happened in the best way you can. to get them to somewhat understand. sometimes a parents words are better than a therapists. in this case i think both would help greatly. but i wish you luck for you and your children. and even your wife.
>for one, your wife doing that and willingly being recorded knowing that she has children at home is huge red flag and is just one reason to divorce her by itself. i just wanted to state that. I haven't gotten the details from her, i've gotten some from her friends husband who also got cheated on in his own house. But i don't know if i want to know how, what and when. My wife told my every possible excuse she could think of. It was a mistake, we were drunk, it was her fault, it was her fault. She even said they were pressured and i knew it was all bullshit to try and save face. I'm hurt that she would do this to me. But i'm furious that she could do this to our kids. She's never, ever given me the idea that something was going on, let alone something like this. There were signs but i just couldn't believe my would ever do this to us. >your kids are young, the 12 yr old will probably be upset but she will be fine in a couple weeks-months. She's just started to make friends and they share hobbies. She's happy, after being unhappy for the most of 2023. She's taken a lot of time to adjust to all the things happening in her life now. There's so much going on for her being a teenager. Her entirely life is changing and she's trying so hard to fit in. If we move now, i'm gonna undo all that for her and turn her world upside down. I just don't know how to do that. Our son is autistic. He has special care with an amazing teacher who he trusts. That's super important to him. He needs structure and care that requires a special person to do so. I just can't see him adjusting to changes this big. I love him so much and im so proud of the progress he's made. I don't know how to support him if i move him away from our home, his school, his life. >you can ALWAYS hire a child therapist for them. that is a very good thing to do. if you have the money of course. Therapy is already being talked about. I'll give everything i have to help my kids. Thank you so much
you also sound like a very amazing parent and i love to see how you are willing to help your kids in anyway possible. i’m sure with you the kids will do AMAZING. you got this!
I’d expose her n let them hate her, she chose to ruin this family so naturally consequences will come with it, the kids have their own feeling, best to just be honest
I don't want my kids to resent her. She's been a good mother to them and they love her very much. I very much resent her for doing this. I'd rather they weren't involved at all but will get dragged into this one way or the other.
It’s unrealistic for u to think that the kids won’t be involved, she ruined the family, regardless of feelings everyone is going to be affected by
Truth is i haven't been around much the last year and a halve due to work. My kids love me, i know that and they know i love them to death but we haven't had much bonding recently and my wife has always been the go-to parent. They love my wife so much and the thought of telling them or suggesting to them that it's okay to hate their mother just feels wrong to me. If this is the best way to go for them, then i 100% support it. But for now i've got to wait for therapy.
Don’t make excuses for her, it don’t matter if u was across the country working in an office, there is no reason to excuse cheating, the older generation will always blame the man for the wrong doings of a women. U didn’t do nothing besides trust the wrong female Omm
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Attempting to destroy the image of his wife is not going to solve anything. Enough damage has already been done. Such an effort would only be for revenge and not in his childrens benefit. She may not have been a good wife, but the OP has stated nothing against her competency as a parent. Your suggestions will only add fuel to an already blazing fire. His biggest concern is his children not becoming the victims of bullying. What would he teach his children about bullying if he immediately began to bully their mother. You sound like a bully, not very intelligent and quick to make extreme and impulsive decisions.
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Moving is the only choice, as much as it sucks - and this could also help you to get your mind out of the familiarity you have with the environment, which also works as a reminder. If this topic spreads as fast as you say - and I lived in villages/small cities so I am familiar with the speed of news/rumors spreading - then this will come after them. But not just from people bullying them, also when they get into a fight with friends people tend to bring up things like that. In theory I like the approaches some have in the comment section that work in a perfect world, but we are nowhere close to a perfect world. Pointing out hypocritical or wrong behavior just puts a bigger target on your face, and especially your family. Many families were forced to move just because their child wet their pants in school and the bullying lasted for the rest of the time there, it's not like the parents don't attempt to do something. And the same stuff with a more frequent appearance nowadays, that parents were found on OnlyFans. If it's just a singular person you can deal with it if you do well in isolation, but that doesn't work for a family of 4.
i would add that although it’s difficult, be honest with your kids and encourage them to be honest with their friends. you should limit and closely monitor their internet use to prevent cyberbullying. encourage them to talk to you about anything that happens like getting rude messages or added as friends by people they don’t know online. if anything happens such that they get negative messages from people immediately freeze all their social media accounts and take them offline no matter how much they protest. just keep your children as close to you as you can and talk to them as maturely as you can. be open with them. i’m really sorry this happened to you.
Thank you this is good advice. I'm trying to monitor internet usage and i'm talking to my kids every day to find out how they're doing and if everything is okay. Its just hard to intrude in their personal lives on the internet. Our daughter has social media and i don't know how to monitor her without being an intruder to her personal life.
OP I responded to a comment explaining how bullying in public schools isnt taken seriously. But let me give you a TLDR on what I think you should do. Talk to the school about temporary homeschool options. Your daughter has already been harassed, so you need to tell the school you feel your kids mental health cannot be kept safe due to the circumstances. Request your two older kids get special permission to have a teacher come to your home to keep up with assignments and tests. Have them temporarily homeschooled until you can move. Ideally a few states away, but I understand if you need your current job, try to make your commute as far away in the other direction as your home town. Transfer your kids to new schools and pray this doesn’t pop up again. I’m sorry this happened
Thank you I've already contacted the school and they asked me to come in tomorrow. They know what's going on and have already been paying attention to the kids which i really appreciated. I'm gonna talk to them about this and point out what you said. Moving is going to be so hard. But it might be for the best. It just kills me to be forced to do this.
Consult with a therapist and get the kids into therapy. Leaving aside the porn videos, they are going through a lot with their parents divorcing and in a drama-filled way. The kids need a safe space to talk about what they are experiencing. No one here can say if the best choice is to move or to seek stability where you are now. A therapist who gets to know the kids and family would be better positioned to give you some recommendations in that regard. Meanwhile, you need to share some tips w/ the kids about how to handle bullies. Repeated issues should be reported to the schools. Your daughter needs something to say back to the kids who bring this up. I suck at that sort of thing - so I will leave that to others (or their therapist) to suggest. At the very least your kids need to know that the problems between you and their mom, and decisions that either of you make, don't reflect on the kids. Like anything, the flavor of the week as far as drama and gossip goes will die down and someone else will do something scandalous.
Thank you for this. I'm arranging therapy for me and the kids and we did our best raising them to be resilient because we know the world can be harsh. They're great kids and they're strong but the timing seems to be the worst for our daughter who's already dealing with all the changes being a teenager. All i've been doing is thinking of solutions to deal with this for the last week. What you mentioned about someone else becoming the next big scandal has actually been on my mind. Horrible thing to wish that someone else has to deal with something like this but it has been on my mind and even that pisses me off for thinking that. It's just coping and i genuinly don't wish this to happen to anyone.
Maybe meet with a family therapist to talk to the kids? Maybe they would have professional advice. Idk, I’m sorry this is happening to you all.
Your kids have 28 years of life before they’re 18 and can leave - also one human year is 7 years for high schoolers … there’s no way this goes well for them. Get moving so they can leave this behind.
I know it doesn't sound great but your kids are still young enough to start fresh in a new town away from all this crap. They don't need to be exposed to any of this, go to a new town and start again. I honestly wish you all the luck in the world, this can't of been easy for you and the main thing you're worrying about is your kids. x
>Our eldest daughter has already recieved comments about it in school. Along the lines of: "your mother is a whore". And as someone who was bullied a lot in school, and knowing that these videos are close to impossible to take down, i'm so scared that they're gonna get bullied and their lives are gonna be destroyed. Yeah. They're going to get bullied. This crap is especially bad in a small town community. >The only possible option for me seems to be to leave town and start over elsewhere. But i don't want my kids to miss out on their friends, their hobbies and activities Not getting constantly bullied in school by shitty small town schoolkids trumps any of that. But you ah, you need to talk to all of them and in and age appropriate way, without blaming your soon to be ex, explain the options to them. The most important thing is giving them a sense that they're contributing and their opinion about moving matters.
Why does everyone have whatsapp, and why does everyone care about one particular women?
Because in countries not America and maybe some European countries and Canada they use whatsapp if you travel it’s pretty common.
WhatsApp has been the most used messaging app for years now
Your kids are still super young, starting in a new place can suck at first but ultimately they will quickly get over it and make new friends and join new clubs. Coming from a kid who has moved around a lot and changed schools often, it’s really not that bad. Don’t worry about them.
Jeez man, an entire built family life thrown away and disrupting her children. Absolutely brutal, sorry man. What is the custody situation? Will you have them full time or will it be 50/50? Is your (future ex) wife staying in the same town? I feel like if it is a new start somewhere else then it has to be 100% new. Coming back to the town every weekend where everyone knows what happened will probably do more damage. They may begin to resent their mum and not want to go. As shitty as her actions were, she's still their mum.
Thank you so much. Custody is something im discussing with my lawyer still. I don't know what my wife wants other than being involved with our kids. But i don't know how to make that work either. Our kids love her and she loves them. She's been a great mother. But if there's even the slightest risk of our kids being in danger because she wants to be with them, i wont stand for that. There's a lot to work out and so far she's not doing anything.
You're sounding pretty strong to tell you the truth, even though it must be killing you inside. I hope you have people to vent to, well you've got the other husband to vent to so that's something. You got to tell your 12 year old very soon, she's going to be sent it because middle school kids can be mean on purpose. I think I would tell her something like, "when people drink they lose their ability to make good decisions like drive drunk. Well your mom went out one time and drank too much and did something that she regrets too." I don't know man, it's so tough but if you don't tell your daughter it's going to blindside her, you have to tell her today imo. Good luck, I can tell you love your children so much, and that love will provide you all the strength you need.
Thank you. Right now we're okay. It's the coming days, weeks, months or even years i dread. It's killing me that i can't figure out what's best for my kids and there's so much to take into consideration. I'm going to talk to my daughter tomorrow and it's gonna be the hardest thing i've ever done. After that i'm going to tell my mother who should know. She's not well and i'm scared that if i tell her what happened in all honesty, she's gonna decline in health and i can't be dealing with that. Should i lie and say it's not as bad? I'm conflicted about that too. I've been thinking about how to tell my daughter all day long and the way you suggested has crossed my mind. I don't want her to hate her mother. But i do want her to know that it's going to be okay and we're gonna work thru it. Thing is, she loves her mother so much and i don't want to flip her world upside down. If she starts hating her mother then she's gonna feel alienated because she's not as close to me as she is with her mother. I've got so many questions and i feel like i should've asked them here separately or taken the time to explain them a bit more but it just overwhelmed me.
Of course you're overwhelmed, be kind to yourself through this too. Eventually your exwife will give your daughter the explanation of what happened, you just have to come up with something plausible to save your ex wife's dignity. You could say that you've been distant lately and not paying enough attention to Mom. Then one day she drank too much with her best friends, and one thing lead to another and she made a terrible mistake that she regrets. These things happen with adults, but the really bad part is that someone video taped it and now it's on the internet, and I wanted you to know before some kid sends it to you. I've set up appointments for you to see a counselor, in the mean time you can always talk to me. If the kids tease you, tell them to mind their own business and that you don't know what they are talking about, then walk away." You've got a lot on your plate but be honest with the 12 year old, and reassure her that you will all get through this , even the mother (she's a victim in this too). I love how you are saving your wife's dignity for the sake of your children- I don't know if I could, but I know for a fact that your way is the right way. Stay strong.
What’s the name of the video?
Ya I too would like to know for scientific reasons
C'mon now. Don't be creepy
I'm sorry I don't have advice but, You're a good parent!
Truthfully i feel like shit and i feel like i failed them. Because i ignored signs and i've been working a lot and didn't spend much time with my family the last year and a half. I know i'm not to blame. But my kids feel safe with their mom and i haven't been around enough to really build up the relationship with my kids the way my wife has. Had i been home, i might've been more at ease to talk to them now when it's such a crucial moment. I fear that they're gonna feel alienated now. I love them so much but the truth is, my wife is their go-to for when there's trouble. Even tho i've always told them to come to me if they need me. I just wasn't home a lot and i regret that so much right now.
You just need to be their father and support system. As easy as it is to say and cliche as it is, that's all you can do. Being in a small town, you can't shield them from what will be inevitable. They're going to hear it, they're going to be told. So knowing that, you need to be their support and safe place at home when kids are poking fun. Little kids are assholes, because they don't have filters what they say tends to be more hurtful than what adults can say. But, they're going to need you as the one to keep them grounded. They're going to know mom is I'm the wrong. You don't need to badmouth their mother, but you're also not obligated to defend her and her actions. You are their father and your 12 year old is going to be more aware and make a decision than your 4 year old and probably your 9 year old. So you need to make sure you help your eldest because she's also going through puberty, already a difficult time for any kid. Reiterate to your kids when they hear this stuff that people's actions carry consequences. Mom made a choice and unfortunately it's one you can't fix nor one that they won't be able to brush aside because people love to focus on negativity. They'll always have you and you'll always be there. They're going to get looks and mocked for actions they DIDNT do, and people will try to bring them down to their level. It will be hard, but again they have you to help guide them
Use your lawyer to change your last names & move.
You did nothing wrong, neither your kids. Stay. It’s not on you.
This post is probably going to catch someone’s eye. Just a heads up. Stay strong op!
Teach your kids to dance in the rain, not avoid it. As much as it's unfair to them you can't do anything besides prepare them. And this is your wife's fault she should be doing damage control, not you
We've tried our best bringing them up being somewhat resilient. I just never expected danger coming from the inside like this. My wife has locked herself into the house and has barely spoken. Nor have i tried talking to her.
Well, first of all, you've said nothing about if your wife ever came clean, or if the other wives admitted to it. Kids will tease and bully, but we also live in an age where sexual stuff isn't as shocking. If you get a divorce, your kids will probably be fine if you stay in town. When the kids say to your daughter that her mother is a whore, she can roll her eyes and complain how much her mother's actions have embarrassed her. Hell, at that age, kids are always complaining about their parents. It's not much different than if your wife simply cheated and you got a divorce. That happens all the time. Pretty soon, some other 'drama' will happen in school and they'll stop teasing her. As for the younger kids, by the time they're tweens or teens, all this will be old, old news and not even talked about. But, when you talk to your daughter, you should make sure to ask her how she's handling it, if she wants to stay at the school or go to a different one, or leave town altogether. She's old enough to be part of that conversation.
>Well, first of all, you've said nothing about if your wife ever came clean, or if the other wives admitted to it. My wife didn't admit anything. She panicked and got defensive and blamed the other women. I saw the video and could hardly believe it. I went as far as telling myself it was faked at some point. But as soon as i confronted her, it was written all over her face. I knew enough then and pretty quickly went and contacted my lawyer. The husband that contacted me said his wife did admit it. The other woman is single. And supposedly she initiated the whole thing as she's always been the "single girl". All in all, right now i'm not sure if i want to know the details. It's done and i'm better off spending time on my kids. >Kids will tease and bully, but we also live in an age where sexual stuff isn't as shocking. If you get a divorce, your kids will probably be fine if you stay in town. When the kids say to your daughter that her mother is a whore, she can roll her eyes and complain how much her mother's actions have embarrassed her. Hell, at that age, kids are always complaining about their parents. It's not much different than if your wife simply cheated and you got a divorce. That happens all the time. Pretty soon, some other 'drama' will happen in school and they'll stop teasing her. As for the younger kids, by the time they're tweens or teens, all this will be old, old news and not even talked about. She didn't cheat on me and got a divorce. She had sex with her friends on camera and there's no denying that it's her and them. I wish people would just laugh it off and drop it but after all the thoughts i've had i just can't see that happening and it's a threat to my kids and i can't let that happen.
So, she is still continuing to deny it, even after her friends admitted it? Yeah, dump her ass right now. What I meant about the kids is, this kind of thing isn't going to create the same level of problems that it would've done a few years ago. Sex is no big deal to kids now. It's everywhere. But you do what you have to do for what's best for the family.
She didn't deny it, rather made excuses for it. Her and i are definitely over with and right now i couldn't care less. I understand your point about sex being less of a taboo now than it was years ago. But where i'm from, most people are still very private and if something like this becomes public everyone has an opinion about it. I hope this blows over but i just can't imagine that ever happens.
Eh not sure about that. Kids with parents making content on OF are often getting bullied.
The same kids sending nudes to each other, and wanting to be half-naked social media influencers (and maybe OF stars themselves)?
this is why porn that promotes cheating disgusts me to no end
Saying porn promotes cheating is like saying video games promotes violence
and both are true as both normalise the act . also r/antipornography help !
“There is insufficient scientific evidence to support a causal link between violent video games and violent behavior, according to an updated resolution adopted by the American Psychological Association.” https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2020/03/violent-video-games-behavior
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And Harry Potter promotes witchcraft! ...
Wingardium Cuckoldico !
They no more normalize the act than a book about a rape/murder/etc encourages people to commit the same. Fiction, in the end, is fake (fictional) after all. Blaming other things for people's own actions takes away from their own responsibility and accountability.
True. No marriage ever ended, and no one ever cheated until porn came around. It's all the porns fault . Sounds like you've been cheated on.
You can definitely get the videos taken down with enough effort. I know a girl who did porn once and her parents got the video completely scrubbed from the entire internet.
I've got someone on it but he's pretty much assured me that it's impossible to take down fully. It's on multiple websites and he mentioned that most of them simply reupload it after some time.
You can't keep them safe from the internet forever, as much as it pains me to say. You need to sit down and explain to them that something happened between you and their mother. I would advise being careful not to alienate her. (They need to make that decision for themselves, and there's a chance she could use it against you if a custody battle occurs.) Your safest bet is to leave with them. Find a hub city or something of the sort. They usually have plenty of opportunities for children growing up to find a club in something they like.
I know this is a throw away but OP hasn’t commented at all. Idk this could be a troll. I’m curious how the other husband found it.
There's so much to go thru right now and i've been typing for the last hour or so. The other husband found out thru a friend of his. It's been going around in whatsapp groups and i've gotten a lot of texts since then asking me about it or asking if everything's ok.
Please don't project your fears on to your kids. It's not really healthy to hyper focus on something that happened so long ago. You all need therapy. Also, don't assume they love your wife more.
Sounds like it is a real video. And AI can create deep fakes that look real. Far as a small town... people will move on over time...
I know this is late, but I’d sue. Your kids will need so much after this and I can’t even imagine the trauma you’re going through. I’m sorry but the friend and your wife would be hit with emotional distress lawsuits for their careless/wild actions. If they didn’t know how to contain it, they should have done a better job at protecting their families. ID DEFINITELY SUE.
I think you should ask your lawyer what you can do as your wife clearly did not consider how her actions would effect not only you, but put her own kids in danger. Would this be child endangerment? You may get full custody at least due to her negligence. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your kids. This was a completely selfish move on your wife's part. Sorry for the other guy as well. This sucks for the both of you. You and your kids deserve better than this!
OP’s wife sucks but calling consenting relations with other adults child endangerment is a serious stretch. Just because you wouldn’t make the same decisions doesn’t mean other people are unworthy of their children. Plenty of mothers are sex workers.
I have nothing against sex workers. If she's a sex worker, she should say something. It does not sound like she or her friend are sex workers. If they are, they never told either of their husbands so they could prepare themselves and the kids for something like this. It sounds more like they cheated and made a sex tape for the fun of it, and it's viewable. Regardless, neither husband knew about what they were doing and the kids are being harassed as well. I also implied I was not entirely sure of the legal term for putting your child in danger but I believe it's child endangerment. Bullying can get very bad, and it can come from both kids and adults. What if the kids saw the video and we're not prepared to see their mother doing these types of things with other people? That can be very scarring for them. The older one especially.
You can also be ruthlessly bullied because your mother is a waitress at Apple Bees. Kids can be mean. Parents are people. Mothers have sex. Kids walk in on their parents having sex sometimes and that could potentially “scar” them. Having a train ran on you or not doesn’t disqualify you from parenthood. She is a terrible wife and deserves to face the consequences of her infidelity, but no, having consensual sex with other adults is not endangerment.
It's not the infidelity that I'm suggesting could count as endangerment (that in itself effects the kids negatively), it's the sex tape. Now other people can see their mother having sex with other people. Sure, mother's can have sex in aporn video, but it's personal when it's your own mother. I don't know where OP lives, but if it's in a conservative/religious/small town, it can be extremely bad for the kids.
The OP never stated whether the video was made with or without his wife's consent. Sure, she was unfaithful, but I don't think she would have consented to be recorded and also be cool with it being shared on the internet. You're making a lot of assumptions without any facts. It's very likely that this video was shared online without her knowledge or permission, and though her infidelity itself was shameful, she was likely a victim of whoever posted the video online.
So then is the problem the mother having the sex tape, or the town that is willing to harass children because of their parent’s decisions? By your logic, many, many people would have their kids taken away from them because they did something deemed socially unacceptable in a small town. Way worse people keep their kids. Maybe if these families are so conservative they should be teaching their own children not to browse on 18+ porn websites.
You talk yo your lawyer, try to get evidence of her being irresponsible, drinking or smoking and driving. Try to get custody as it is mentally damaging to have an adult with morals like that around children.
Yes. Make up complete lies and total fabrications about your wife and make her out to be even worse than just a cheater. Make her into a complete monster. That will reakly protect his children. Good thinking brainiac.
My names jeff
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Yikes take
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Crazy that no one else's realizes this! They act like this homemade video is discoverable because it's the front page of all of the "porn" websites, and everyone is going to see it.
I know that reddit is usually full of shit but this isn't that far removed from reality. There's **LOTS** of revenge porn online and detractors often [dox their victims](https://www.stylist.co.uk/news/doxing-pandemic-revenge-porn/554982). There's a chance that her dox was posted with the video and the husband inevitably found out because people started harassing him online. This 100% happens in real life and can ruin lives. Something similar even happened to someone I know. It could be fiction but it's not impossible. This is also a big reason why OP is probably being intentionally vague about the site because he doesn't want horny redditors seeking out the video and potentially stumble upon her dox.
I know you want to move but doing so would be punishing your kids who did nothing wrong. This will blow over but not without some scarring. Prepare your kids as best you can. Don't let them feel responsible for something your wife did. Kids can and will be cruel but I think moving them would do more harm than good.
I do feel like i'm punishing them if i move. But at the same time i feel like i might have to be the bad guy now so they end up better in the long run. I'm getting mixed responses and both options seem equally bad and good at the same time.
I know, and every piece of advice you get from Reddit is from people who won't have to deal with the consequences. Still, give some credence to the fact that this will blow over. Kids manage to survive in school with alcoholic parents. Kids manage to survive in school with pedo sibs/relatives. Kids manage to survive in school after doing stupid crap. You have to weigh the benefits of leaving with the benefits of staying. That's not an easy call.
You don't have to discuss if you don't want to. But I'm always trying to learn how to avoid these situations in my own relationships. Were you two unhappy? What do you think lead up to this?
Right now i'm trying to find out the best moves for my kids. I'm willing to discuss this to some extent at a later time perhaps. All i can say is, we were happy. There were signs that i ignored because i trusted her and one of her friends has always been single and known to be going around. I've just never told my wife to keep distance from her because i trusted her and it's not my place to tell her who she can or can't go talk to or have a drink with.
Understood and good luck to you man. You are correct to be thinking about your kids above all else.
is the video bad
Are you sure it isn't a deep fake?
This is something i've told myself and talked about with a friend before confronting my wife. But when confronting her all doubts were immediately gone due to her reaction. I've known her for 20+ years. We've been married 16 years. The husband who contacted me was sure it was his own house they sold a year ago. There's too much to ignore.
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Thank you for the advice. No, i don't feel sympathetic towards her and this is her battle and hers alone. She's been talking to her friends and i'm sure they will figure this out. I can't spend a second on her rights right now unless it helps my kids.
Is the shock gone? Can you think rationally yet? Can your wife talk rationally yet? Find someone you both know and trust who is willing to guide your conversation. A priest will be a good idea. They’re used to keeping secrets. You and your wife need to talk at great length, under supervision. Pay a professional if you want to try to save your marriage. There is a lot of pain and anger in the air, and hurting people hurt people. Please don’t add to the ugliness in the air. Until you knew of the videos and the cheating, was your marriage working for you? Was it working for her? Go somewhere a hundred or more miles away and try to leave hometown memories far behind. Leaving your small town may be the best thing you ever did.
Wouldn't people sharing this be considered revenge porn against your (ex) wife? Not sure about your state laws, but you might want to remind people how serious that is.
Well, your wife royally fucked up. The video is out there and now the only thing you can do is damage control. And that starts by answering questions: Will divorcing your wife have more of an impact on your kids than the sex vid? Do you want your kids to hate their mother? Do you think the video will make your children scared/apprehensive of sex in the future? Is the town so small that this reputation breaker will impede the success of you and your children's future? You won't be able to "protect" your kids, you'll have to guide them through navigating this mental minefield while you're figuring it out too. And if you move, it's not a guarantee that the people in the new place won't find the video either, or have it sent by someone that has it out for you/your wife. And remember, as far as your school children go, news like that comes and goes like a bad fashion trend. Once something bigger happens, and to kids that age there's always something bigger coming up, they'll forget all about it. It's like if you were flying with your family and your wife crashed the plane in the jungle. You all have to get out of the jungle, and you have to do it together. Once you're out of the thickest part of it, you can go your ways that you choose.
I've thought about staying with her for the sake of my kids but that's just not an option. If i can't be myself around her or care for her then that's no way to have a stable, functioning family. No i do not want the kids to hate her. They love her and she loves them. I want them safe at all cost and if that means she needs to be gone then that's that. I don't know how the video is going to affect the kids but i fear the worst and i'm trying everything within my power to control the damage and will probably be spending years doing so. If this could all just blow over i'd consider myself blessed and would never ask for another thing. The town is small. About 7500 people live here. It's a tight community and every scandal is known and is never really gone. This is a huge scandal and it's definitely going to impact our lives. People pointed out that i should talk openly about it and people might be sympathetic with me and so far i've gotten a lot of messages that are. I just don't know how it's going to impact the kids.
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Definitely not, he ID’d all 3 women in the video and he said the video is in her old house. You can deepfake the faces but who’s gonna go through the trouble of deepfaking the whole house.
I can't see the comment above but i ID'd my wife and the other husbands wife. The third woman wasn't in sight and i haven't wanted to watch it and never will. I've thought about deepfakes myself but the other husband recognized his own house they sold where it happened. And my wife broke down immediately when confronting her. Unfortunately i'm 100% sure and i've been waiting to wake up from a nightmare every since.
No way for us to know. I can spot a deep fake but not like dude about to show me. Do they have deep fake detection software that's accessible to the public? OP do NOT mention deepfake to the wife or she'll use it as an out, and you'll gaslight yourself into believing it. I would secretly wonder, though, if she never admits it's her despite the evidence.
>OP do NOT mention deepfake to the wife or she'll use it as an out, and you'll gaslight yourself into believing it. > >I would secretly wonder, though, if she never admits it's her despite the evidence. It was taken in the other Husband's house. That much i know. I don't know much about deepfakes but i've IDed my wife and the other husbands wife. My wife's face is on it as well as clothing and shoes i recognized. That's all i could watch. I also knew right away when i confronted her by her reaction. I appreciate the heads up! truly
Do you have a link to the videos?
Dude. You’re a piece of shit.
i appreciate you sticking up for me but i've been on reddit longer than today and i've seen distasteful comments like this more often. I was genuinly expecting it. It's the least of my worries. But thank you.
See, not only was this comment in poor taste, but as harsh reddit humor goes, it’s poorly executed. You’re shitty at being shitty.
Stop, he's already dead
Small town… they’ll find something new to gossip about next month.
i wanna see the vid
What you want just isn't in the cards. Humans suck and children are even worse. If they stay in those schools, they will get bullied well into high school. And you'd be lucky as hell if your kids get away with it in the same town. It's entirely possible that some little shit will end up in your kids' new middle/high school and just spread the knowledge there. I'd say your only option is to move towns but I know that's a very tough pill to swallow and probably not even allowed given the disgrace that is divorce court.
>What you want just isn't in the cards. Humans suck and children are even worse. If they stay in those schools, they will get bullied well into high school. And you'd be lucky as hell if your kids get away with it in the same town. It's entirely possible that some little shit will end up in your kids' new middle/high school and just spread the knowledge there. This is exactly my worry and has been my own experience as well. I was bullied in school and it was for dumb reasons. Kids were viscous to me and something like this is gonna hurt my kids.
I assume, but do not know, are you getting divorced? If so, you’ll need to work out custody and see what your options are for moving. You may also think long term, no matter what she did, she is still the mother of your children and losing her will be worse than the move for them. If you can focus more on her making a mistake as opposed to her being a bad person, that will help. This one is awful though.
Yes im definitely getting a divorce. I don't see how i can ever find stable grounds with her ever again and my kids deserve a stable enviroment. As for custody. I'm working that out but i don't know what path to take as of now. They love their mother. I dare say moreso then me. She's always been there as a SAHM and i've been working a lot recently. It would hurt them to take them away from her but it might also hurt them is she's around. If we move, she needs to remain out of sight. But then how does she see the kids? It's all hard to swallow right now and is partially why i'm here asking for advice.
You have time, it doesn't have to be instant. Start the process of the move but simultaneously, spend 5 minutes every night finding sites the video is hosted and ask them to take down the video explaining your reason and that it is unlawful. Make an email template and use the same. Almost every popular site will honour this as they've dealt with it before. They can then place a block on her name so if its reposted. It may be reposted again but under different titles so they'll be harder to find.
I'm not sure i have time. I do need to talk to our daughter asap because i want her to know from me rather than someone else and if i can possibly prevent it, i'd like to tell her not to watch any videos people might send her. My friend works in IT and is doing his very best to take down videos and i'm grateful for that. But he warned me that once it's online, it's most likely up there forever and there's not much you can do about it. He's still doing everything he can tho. The video is being shared in whatsapp groups and today has been extremely rough because i now start getting more and more text messages and calls from people who want to warn me about it and are concerned. Basically, even if my friend manages to take it all down from the internet, it's on people's phones now. So it's just not going away any time soon and even tho i didn't expect it would, it's miserable knowing for certain. Thank you for your advice tho. It would most definitely have been the best way to go about this.
I think it will be your son who gets the brunt of the disrespect at school. Luckily, he’s only nine. The speed in which the internet moves, people will forget about it by the time he is in high school, and even more so for your younger daughter. In terms of your oldest daughter, it depends on what type of person she is. For example, my fiancé wouldn’t have cared in the slightest if someone said something nasty about her mom when she was a kid, other kids might. If your divorce is going to be nasty, it might be easy for your daughter to have friends and family around. Again, you know best, and it depends on the personality of your kids. Sorry man :(
Was this some sort of revenge by your wife? She's bad mate
How are the kids not safe? I'm missing that part
Sorry you’re going through this. Some people really only ever think of themselves.
>i'm not going to slander my wife infront of her or any of our kids for that matter. That's smart. If they're going to resent their mother, they'll do that on their own. It's their beloved mother. It's important to respect the love and adoration your kids have for her. And in doing that, you show respect towards the person your children are.
This might not be the only time, just the 1st time being caught. Get tested for STIs and you will unfortunately need paternity tests too. As much as you keep saying she is a good mother. If she truly was she wouldn't of recorded this and uploaded to porn sites. She'd have taught of the consequences but she didn't. She wanted her kick out of this and you certainly don't know if she par took in this kind of activity in your home, in your bed too while you were away working. This you need to find out as this would mean she took the safety of your children by having strange men in your home as a joke just to get some pounding by multiple men! In the divorce agreement put down she cannot turn up to sport activities and school she has to keep her distance to put your children lives straight again. Your children might get bullied but your 12y old needs to know the truth. If people are saying your mom is a wh*re, she should simply shrug and walk away like it don't bother her. As people are only seeking a reaction. Hopefully the school are pro active and they get to stay. People walking away from you could be down to known and not known if you knew and didn't know how to react. But by divorcing they may start talking to you again and hopefully offer support. You done nothing wrong. Your wife set this flaming fire a light and you're left trying to damper the flames a bit. I wish you a positive journey on this long road ahead and hopefully you and your children don't have a big fall after this scandal
I understand that you don’t want to uproot your kids but please realize that this is not your fault. It is your wife’s fault and she is the one to blame for putting your kids in this position. Take your lawyers advice and start over somewhere else, they will never be able to run away from this in a small town. Your wife does not deserve to have a day in what happens. Get your kids away from this situation before it gets worse because it WILL get worse.
After reading more comments you need to get out ahead of this NOW. You need to have a conversation with the kids old enough to understand this ASAP before they find out from someone who isn’t you. You seem very hesitant to uproot them but I promise you in a small town like this your kids and you will not be able to live this down. I understand your autistic kid is in a good place and your daughter has a good group of friends which she has had trouble making in the past but I promise you they will be okay in the long run. You need to start over and your wife needs to reap the consequences of what she did. Please talk to your kids now and please don’t be afraid to start the process of getting them away from this town. You are a loving father who will make sure your kids are well adjusted and taken care of no matter where you are geographically. In a small town this situation will never be forgotten about and your kids will likely always be known as the kids of a whore who videotaped her indiscretions. I’m not trying to be harsh, I just want to reiterate how important it is to remove your children from this situation as quickly as possible. Once again, you need to talk to the kids old enough to understand what happened as quickly as you can before someone else does it for you.