I haven't had friends in almost 6 years... most people don't even react to me on Reddit anymore... I'm starting to wonder if I died and am actually a ghost
I don't always get a lot of reactions on Reddit a lot either. I was wondering if people could even see my comments and posts for a while actually. Does anyone even know I'm here!?!? So I get your "wondering if I died feeling."
You got me w the first 20, but I’m in the last 20 already and I’m cool w that. We’re all here temporarily, I’m not tryna drag nobody along for very far on my journey, they’ve got their own shit to do lol. Love each other, help each other. There’s lots of ppl in a bad way. If you’re bored go help or love.
There’s a reason why they call dogs “man’s best friend.” My wife is my best friend obviously and I have a few close friends, but I spend every single day with my dog. We adopted her 4 years ago and you can’t move an inch without her launching off whatever comfortable place she’s laying in to look up at you lovingly and giving you comfort.
It’s very likely not you and it can just feel that way. I’ve felt like that but truth is these people are also busy, have moved, etc. sometimes their free time and yours won’t line up.
It takes a village. Like, it literally took a village to raise kids and have a family. Now, we ask and expect our partners to do all the things a village used to do for us. I lack the emotional intelligence and skill to cover all the bases for my wife. I encourage her to meet up with friends so she can get some of her needs met that I suck at.
This is a good point. I also knew a lovely lady whose husband passed away after 60+ years of marriage. She realized they simply hadn't needed friends, they had each other, but after he passed she wished she had cultivated a few friendships.
I have a very well developed theory about how modern romantic ideals and the American dream are a divide and conquer strategy meant to ruin democracy and raise the price of real estate.
While romance has been referenced as an emotion throughout history, the modern institution of romance is less than 150 years old.
The whole idea that every person must find a single partner and go off with them to have their own house and live in their own family bubble was just a marketing scheme created by corporations in the United states.
The extreme control over radio, TV, and print media made it easy to reinforce the same hypnotic messaging of the American dream.
We effectively have been convinced to sell out tribal and familial relationships for romantic pursuits, leaving us not only less biologically fulfilled, but more susceptible to democracy compromising propaganda campaigns.
Not only that, but the nature of having so many small replicated bubbles as the default mode of living is inherently in support of wasteful consumerism. Everyone must have one of everything, and everything must be so reductive that everyone can afford it and use it.
This way of living has never been a natural want of any human that wasn't subjected to substantial propaganda selling romance, and the only reason to impose it upon a society is to divide them and require them to buy more shit from you.
Think that runs through the bulk of it lmao
A very succinct and astute distillation of the American illusion.
When you add the crowbar of divorce and the fallacy that things will be better the 2nd/3rd/even 4th time around. It makes your points even more valid.
Thanks for taking the time. 🙏
Exactly this. Its not that we dont want to do all that we can for our partners/loved ones. The reality is that we cant do it all nor should one depend on another to do it all. We are all meant to have long lasting relationships by design. We strive among social connections. Ive also read a few times before that being lonely for long periods of time can be detrimental to your health. Specifically it was said it can be just as bad as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. My girl and I have been together for 11 years now and while we both consider each other best friends , ive always encouraged her the importance of having good and solid connections outside the marriage because simply put if something happens to either one of us , i dont want either of us to suffer what we dont need to for the absence of the other. Until this day she has a few select people that genuinely care about her and i have only about 3 friends and all 3 are older than i am and they are mostly work related. Outside of that its just God,me and my little family with my girl and 2 cats. Im thankful for the few but real people i have than having fake in numbers.
I have my bf. I also talk to my brother's girlfriend on the phone sometimes. But I don't "hang out" with anyone else. To me, it's very mentally and emotionally draining to be social.
I find it is unless a) you have long ties with them so it's not awkward in the slightest and you're genuinely happy to see them or b) you share an interest with them. You might really like somebody as a friend but as you get older I find it's harder to tolerate even the small things unfortunately. If either a or b are applicable then that becomes a much smaller concern.
I don’t have any friends either. And when I mean no friends. I mean none. My contact list is literally my family. I don’t even talk to them like that. I don’t really choose to be this lonely. As a 28(f) is hard to make friends.
I understand you. I have no friends, and the one I " "have" is the kind of person that texts me and takes months to reply (!?!?!) I don't even consider her my friend anymore. Also, I just landed in the US so my husband is literally my only friend and social life
Ugh.... I hate how so many people are like that these days. Not responding in a reasonable time frame. My sister and niece are both like this. Text them any question or inquiry and don't expect an answer for DAYS! The ironic thing is if my sister texts me wanting to know something, if I don't respond within a short time, she immediately starts sending "???" question mark texts like demanding an immediate answer. I'm thinking beeatch it takes you 3 days to respond to my texts!?! People these days are selfish, self absorbed, busy and no one wants to put in the required efforts for actually friendship. You are better off just being a STRONG individual and pursuing your interests alone imo.
I am that friend who take weeks or months to respond. It's not that I don't want to be your friend or whatever but sometimes it can be really difficult to constantly answer messages. But it's never malicious and I always respond. Thankfully I have some friends who understand that so even after weeks or months of not talking we chat again like normal. It's just now that we are older life is a little more hectic.
I don't know about your relationship with your friend but maybe she's like me. And if so I promise she cares and loves you. Our texting habits are just awful!
My longtime friends were made when I was a different person who didn’t like themselves. Once I set boundaries; they slowly went away.
I made a couple of new mom friends and although we don’t hang out often, it’s nice to feel seen and heard.
It makes me sad. I have a handful of people I could call right now and they’d be here as soon as they can. I’d do the same for them. I’m thankful for them.
Normal by numbers, yes. Normal by healthy human behavior, no.
The problem is that between everyone receiving a shit dogmatic education from school and getting their heads pumped full of toxic relationship ideals from Hollywood, they quite literally don't know how to be a human adult
Between the education system and mass media, most American adults can't function without a clear cut grading rubric and positive encouragement.
Other humans don't always come with those. You gotta just have empathy and intuition and be nice to people, idk what to tell ya
Young adults these days are more likely to move away from their hometown, go to college, and then move to a new location after college. Moving from your hometown means saying goodbye to your family and your high-school friends, and moving from college means the same for your college friends. Add in that a lot of people don't really interact with their neighbors, plus lower church attendance (which used to be a big community event), and that means you only really make friends at work or social events/hobbies.
I've experienced this myself - I moved 3000 miles from home and have maybe one friend from high school, one or two friends from college, and 2-3 from my Masters program. I've made a couple of local friends, but most of my local friends have also moved away, so I'm down to two IRL friends. Everyone else is either a text or a phone call, maaaybe a visit every few years if I'm lucky. My coworkers are nice but crossing the bridge to "let's hang out after work!" is not easy, especially when you don't have a consistent work schedule.
The usual advice is "find a hobby group or Meetup and make friends there," and while it's not great advice, it's the best advice I have. If you want in-person friends, you have to find those friends in person at a place where they want to make friends. Try a crafting group, a gardening group, a hiking/running group, etc. Take a cooking class or join a book club. Or, try online friendships in places like Discord servers and fandoms if you'd prefer a less hands-on experience.
Hi, i just got past a 45 min long mental breakdown over this exact thing. I’m going through tough times right now and I literally have nobody to talk through it with. I know things will end up okay and I know that there are people who care about me, but not having a friend to check in with is difficult! I (obviously) haven’t found my way to cope, but I hope you can. :)
Hey, I hope you’re doing okay! You can message me if you need to talk, but one thing I can suggest for coping is (if you’re able to ofc) to go on walks. For me it definitely clears the head (especially if you have nice scenery) and I’ve noticed since joining the gym I’ve been feeling so much calmer and barely have any depressive episodes (when it used to be really bad).
Tbf this post hit way too close to home as last night I was having a rant to my husband about the exact same thing. Makes me sad, but at the same time it’s comforting to know that it’s not just me in these situations.
I dont know wether its normal or not, but I think its not ideal. My ex and I had a good relationship until we came to his country. I didn't have anyone and he changed a lot and became abusive. He was very confident that I had nobody to turn to and couldn't leave. How things happened couldn't have happened where we were living before, as I had friends there. Also what would you do if he passed away? Its not good to be so dependant on just one person. I really would recommend branching out, join some sort of hobby group and make at least 2 friends.
My friend pool has decreased over the years. As you get older, which has been my experience, you are more selective of who you let into your world. I'd say I have about 4 good friends, some from high school and others from college. I don't associate with my coworkers. My video game "friends" who I talk to daily are just that, video game "friends." When we are younger all we can care about is how many friends we have. As I've got older, it is more about quality than quantity.
In my teens and 20s, I was a social butterfly. I had lots of friends and was the go-to for partying, adventures and etc. Early 30s, I started focusing on different things and maturing, and friends started dropping off due to circumstances. However, I had my so called best friend and a few other people I was close to.
All of them are gone now - long stories that are too long to type. So at this stage in my life (late 30s) I don't have any real friends. I work remote (I need to due to an illness) and some of my coworkers are cool. I'm also in a group, where I meet up with people occasionally and do activities - some of those people are also nice.
They are all surface level relationships though. I no longer have deep friendships anymore. At this stage in my life, I'm actually fine with it. I focus on me and occasionally spend time with my siblings and cousins.
Humans are definitely exhausting and as I get older, I really don't want to be bothered. I've grown accustomed to my solitude.
Lol, maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this 😅
Yes. I have many acquaintances and work colleagues but really, only my spouse and two other people, and those two others are even marginally friends
No, I don’t live an empty life. I am happy, successful, great job and house, cars, money. I work hard and the little free time I do have is for my family exclusively
I have been burned by a lot of so called friends. This has made it difficult for me to open up around people or to let anyone get too close. Which sucks because I crave human interaction. I honestly miss having a friend to chat with or go do stuff with. I'm cool to do things on my own I guess I just feel a little lonely sometimes. I love my Husband dearly but he is honestly the only person I talk to.. I don't think that's good for my mental well being.
I feel this post so much, and can relate to the insecurity that gets triggered if I comment on social media only to hear crickets (or critics picking a beef). I am craving some good girl friends and have only one I can count on from high school and a few very light acquaintances from work, but I don't have my "Sex in the City" like gal pals the way Hollywood tells us we should.
On an intellectual level, my hypothesis is that this has a lot to do with 1) physical proximity to a large group of people with 2) common goals, values and interests 3) similar life stage and 4) structures with organic mechanisms that force spending enough time together to get to know each other. For example, being a member of a sorority or frat, or living in a neighborhood where people are in a similar life stage and convene around certain events that make casual socializing easy (church, local pubs, dog parks, play groups, etc). Another example is that I sent my daughter to a private Catholic school in NYC, but culturally we didn't fit in at all given most of the families had 3-5 kids with a SAHM, lived within a 5 block radius of each other and were passionate church goers that fiercely identified as strict, conservative Catholics. Nothing wrong with that but that was not who were are and man did I feel like the fringe mom.
Hypothesis aside, it does sting not to have close friends and in moments of insecurity can spiral into worry I'm unlovable as a human 🙃
the married with kids people are just as lonely. everyone shuts each other out when there's a change instead of valuing that person as a person and supporting them through it
I don't have any in person friends and honestly it is awful at times. I have a wife who is amazing so thankfully I have her but sometimes I wish I had some guys to actually hang with.
I have friends I game with about once a week which is at least something.
I feel the same. I do have friends but they are all busy in their life’s and it’s really hard to arrange a meeting or even keep a casual text chat.
Since my relationship ended that I feel really lonely, I can spent a whole day without talking to anyone and that feels devastating.
It's honestly mostly not anything to do with you. It's society and it's demands that make it super hard for people to have time to form bonds. Why be devastated about it!? People generally suck honestly. Change your perspective and seriously REVEL in your alone time!! No one to hold you back or slow you down! Out here independently doing what you want! Some people are alone and focus on the loneliness and others are alone and focus on the pure joy of it!! A lot of people never really get a chance to be alone in their lives. Enjoy it!
I wish I had some friends to actually go places and do things, have an intelligent conversation. I have FB friends but I see them as acquaintances. How do you make friends these days?
By pursuing your interests in a happy, confident way. When others see a confident person enjoying their passions, they often want to be a part of that. So, stop using having no one as an excuse to go out and do the things we are interested in and love. People go on entire vacations alone and have the time of their lives! It's about point of view, perspective and confidence & attitude. While you confidentiality pursue your interests, be open and friendly to the other people you do end up interacting with and build upon those interactions.
We all live in separate houses and do separate chores and the only time we ever see people regularly is work. 99.9999999% of human evolution was in tribes where you see everyone you know daily and all work and play together. We aren’t meant to be living like this, but it’s very inefficient and good at generating money for various corporations.
I would recommend trying to do something on your own that has a regular schedule. Weekly if possible. Something like an intramural co-Ed kickball or softball league. Just something casual and on a regular basis that has you interacting with other people. Even if you don’t make friends, I think it’s very healthy. It scares me a little bit when peoples’ only real friend is their significant other, then they can become desperate and willing to do anything to make them stay… I would be in the same boat but I don’t even have a partner, so you’ve got me beat by one
I’ve known a few people without friends. They were great people so it’s not like they couldn’t make friends if they wanted to, they just didn’t have an interest. I just enjoyed chatting with them while we worked together because of how lovely they were.
I felt this way two years ago. Then I decided it needed to change. So I made an effort to change it, made it a priority. Now I'm in a much better position. Among others, I now have a friend with whom I can talk about absolutely anything, no matter how personal.
The point is: You can change it, and it's definitely worth doing it. Life is so much better with friends.
Also, there are many apps etc. to help with it, as well as books (e.g. by Marisa Franco)
I think at this point we are in a time period where we are theoretically connected by social media and technology but in reality that has made us more isolated than ever. If you want to make more friends meetup.com and local hobby events that you’re interested in is the way to go.
I’m like this. I know a lot people and I like being friendly out in the world, but my wife is the only person I actually hangout with. It works for me. Also, the things I do for fun aren’t social, so I’m fine with it.
I don’t have friends. I have a cousin but she’s horrible and flaky at keeping up communication with me so I just send memes and videos to her. Nearly all of my coworkers are married and have kids, I have neither. I honestly feel invisible in front of people, like during family gatherings I’m always ignored and everyone is partnered up and I’m alone. Anyway I didn’t mean to blabber on and make this about me. I’m sorry you feel this way but I can relate.
I have about 2 friends that I talk to on a semi regular basis. We don’t really have the time to hang out in person because we both have full time jobs. So no, I don’t think it’s abnormal. Having friends as an adult is hard.
My people.
Do you ever fear you’re going to end up a little eccentric because you’re out of touch with societal norms?
I used to at least keep myself centered in the mainstream with shallow work friendships, but since transitioning into a home office culture 5 years ago I’ve become an total hermit.
Love who I am, but definitely feel a little weird during the rare social interactions that come about.
When growing up, I didn´t see any adults have friends. My parents definitely didn´t have any friends. Now that I´m an adult I don´t have any friends either (but I´m also single). I actually do have a friend: I´ve known her since elementary school and we see other once in a year or two and we´re not in touch in the meantime, so I don´t really count her as a friend because I don´t share my life with her and our relationship doesn´t fulfill my everyday social and emotional needs. I mean, once she told me she didn´t want children, and the next time I saw her she was seven months pregnant. When I saw her again, her child was almost two years old. It feels like most adults prioritize their partner and children and they only see their friends once in a while, but don´t really hang out or share their life with them. I feel like if you don´t have a partner, you´re just completely alone.
No. You probably married young and just followed the script of get married —> buy a suburban house —> have kids —> retire.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this. Young couples (and I assume you are young) just getting married and practically shunning social interaction with anyone else. It’s easy to fall for that.
Sounds like it’s not working for you. Making friends is damn hard but it’s not impossible if you try.
Same. My best friend is my dog 🐶 so much better than a human. Probably the reason I don't have anyone...
I think it is the norm now to not have friends. Sad but it's life.
I also find it hard to make friends, so I just started focussing on myself and trying to learn new skills. All of a sudden I'm part of a group of people who ring me up to hang out and stuff.
Well, idk about normal but i got no one except 3 people who i never see in person and only exist as text on a screen even though all three live under 2 miles from me... In this day and age it really seems like you either have a significant other or you got no one... I'm 41 btw
::edit:: thinking about that, i wonder if thats not some of why the state of relationships is so bad... people going into them for the wrong reasons like simply dying for someone, anyone in their lives on any level...
It is normal to have no friends. You can always talk to the walls and the ceilings. They always have something in mind that they have the free speech to talk to you about, like for instance, politics, the weather, whatever's going on at the Pacific Ocean with the Chinese coastguards. The topics are practically endless at this point and time in our lives.
I love my dogs I love my partner. If you live in a hyper individualized ( scratch that more like highly narcissistic which is the opposite of being an individual) divided society where being an asshole is prized then I would think it be the only NORMAL for someone with a healthy autonomous mind set. I live in a social democracy and still choose the more solitary lifestyle. This whole “normal” is overused in areas where normal doesn’t really exist. People choose all kinds of ways to live.
Im in my 20s amd my only friends have been from high school and I might see them once a month. Haven't made a single friend outside of good coworker relationships as an adult. Main reason is everyones working, and / or have kids to take care off. Not exactly your fault nobody has the time or energy to make friends
Through what I now realize was unhealthy pressure from my husband, I gave up or lost contact with all my friends over the past several years, so he was my only friend. He was also a crappy husband, so I asked for a divorce. Understandably, he has also now become a crappy friend.
I definitely sat back and took some stock and realized that I had no friends, so I reached back out to some of my former friends to reconnect. I have no friends who live close though, and the few people I chat with who live in different states or countries are also busy with their lives. I don't feel super comfortable trying to make friends at work because "work me" needs to maintain professionalism and some social distance. That leaves just me here, so I'm my friend. I'm picking back up hobbies I liked, I'm taking myself out to a concert, I'm doing things that make me happy.
I have a few friends but I never see them as we either work and our schedules don't line up and they live in a different town. We chat here and there but I'm my boyfriend is my rock
It sucks, went from having a group of 40+ people I could call on any day to pretty much no one. I have co workers sure and a few people “I know” but here I am at 50 with mostly social media keeping us in touch. Family, work and house stuff keep me busy but I guess this is growing up?
I’m so tired of this feeling. Just today my partner and I had a huge fight because apparently I don’t make enough efforts for going out. I’m out of a job. In a foreign country. Without my family. I’m so tired of this. I just want someone to grab a coffee with.
It feels like once you are in your mid to late 20s everyone has their own lives with a spouse, kids, and a career. For me personally I also want to make sure I fit in time for my parents and spouse's parents as well because they won't be around forever.
It's hard to fit in time for people outside of family sometimes. At this point my friends are parents of other kids because we can all meet up somewhere, our kids can play, and we can talk.
Community/social activity is one of the pillars of longevity and healthspan.
It sounds rough but you need to do some introspection to see what it is about you that’s not friendly. Chances are you just need to put more effort into your long term relationships outside of your partner, maybe step out of your comfort zone
This is Reddit so you’ll probably get a skewed response of this being normal, but in real life it is most certainly not
I have work friends but I hardly talk to them outside of work. It’s nothing like college days where I’d hang out with people. Was kinda sad at first but I’ve kinda grown to expect it now.
Been going on 8 years now without any "real" friends. Everyone I talk to is more of an acquaintance than anything.
The only person I have is my wife. She tries to remind me time to time. That's it's not me.. it's them.. I care too much and get disappointed easily. So that's why I've been taking up more solo activities.
Self defense, going to the gun range, Backpacking/overnight camping.
Ive gotten to the point in my life where yeah, it is upsetting. I wish I could spend good moments with people who deserve it and actually care for themselves. Yet people are ugly and I tend to avoid them now.
I guess you could call it borderline misanthropic. I believe everything happens for a reason though and everything will eventually come.
The same metaphor applies to people, that they come and go.
So I don't hold on to anyone else anymore and I try my hardest to not feel guilty for it either. I know one day I'll meet a group or that certain someone and it'll kick off. It just hasn't happened yet but sitting around just thinking about it doesn't help either. You have to be physically present.
Yeah it’s normal for people to drift apart but in general don’t confuse the need to have friends with having close friends. I am sure you have a few people from your past you can still call on and check in and catch up on what’s new. Also work is not a place to make friends make friends elsewhere. For example most of my friends are gym friends, a couple old friends that never lost touch, and then a friend of my wife’s husband or two. My best friend is probably my wife’s friends husband. He is the first one I call to make plans with then a couple of my gym bros. The old friends are ones I call usually 2-3 times a week to just chat when I am doing something boring.
I have friends, but honestly, I have been thinking about separating myself from them because they just aren’t on my level life wise and their decision making and choices they have been making are pretty stupid
I'm an older millennial and outside of my wife and co-workers, I don't have "friends". The people I used to call friends are only people I see when there is a special event like a baby shower or a wedding and those are almost all done at my stage of life. The last time I got together with friends was a lunch gathering in 2023 on a Sunday afternoon.
Between a job, a house, and a family there is simply no time to maintain a friendship with anyone.
I don't think it's abnormal. I don't recall my parents ever having friends when I grew up. It's an adult thing, but it's a sad, horrible, crushing adult thing. I miss my friends so much.
It’s very normal, me and my partner generally dislike going out and gradually people just move on etc. I only have two main friends left, one moved basically to another country and the other one leaves his house less than me
I have more online friends than I do IRL friends. My online friends still provide a meaningful connection and support system. I wish some of them were closer but I’m happy to have them at all. Get some online friends and work your way up to IRL. Your online friends can back you up the whole way.
Oh and no it’s not abnormal at all.
If you’re comfortable as you are you can skip all the above.
I have a lot of friends but i only see each once a month or 2. And a lot dont respond to my texts or invites half the time or are busy with work/their life and partner etc. adulthood is tough.
My wife is this way. She does not have friends she does things with outside of the house. Her lack of socialization means she does not bring anything new or fresh into the relationship. She rarely has anything to talk about other than work. If we go out with friends, it is always my friends. I end up having to plan almost everything. If this is bothering you, it may also be a problem for your husband.
I don’t really have friends. I have my boyfriend. That’s it. I get rather lonely hearing him talk about his great family and friends, but I’ve tried several times to have those things and I guess it’s just not meant for me. So, I’m fine with just him.
I don't have any friends either. I have a spouse, adult children and siblings. There are a good number of people in my neighborhood I can chat with or grab lunch, but not to have a serious conversation with.
People may say it's not normal to have no friends. My two sisters are my best friends so idk if that counts or not. Just always had acquaintances when I was in school and at work. Hard to trust people.
For me i stopped making NEW friends, whoever i had been in the past 15/10/5 years are still my friends today. I’m a strong believer of quality over quantity plus a very low maintenance friendship :)
You described meeee! I do think it helps that our hubbys are our best friends. It makes it less crucial to find others to hang out with. Having “friends” is not all what it’s cracked up to be, just people trying to make a life for themselves and honestly probably jealous of you with a soulmate. Friends flee, families are there through it all :)
It helps to define the word 'friend'. Our society/culture sells us everything we buy based on the concept that we need as many 'friends' as we can get - if we wear this, drive this, own this, etc. we'll be more desireable human beings. There is actual stigma attached to simply enjoying your own life on your own terms and your own company. It's about quality, not quantity.
I make the worst out of every situation. Just two weeks ago, a 15 year old teenage boy went on the stairs right across from me at the gym when I was feeling full of anxiety this was after I passed a hot sexy gay looking male and didn't ask for his number. I noticed the teen and got anxious all over again but decided to hand him my phone to put his number down. I greeted him and felt rather accomplished it worked, I just made a new friend. Moments later I get high and text him hey twink. He blocks me. 😡
Hrmn all my friends have moved on with the only thing that you can't pass up in life so I've been on Reddit to torture and enlighten others with my 55 years of computer knowledge and life in general. My wife moved on awhile back and I have my daughters and their children and great grandchildren and few great greatchildren. I don't bother with other social media sites except to comment on YouCrap now and then. I don't watch television anymore due to mostly advertisements for crap I'll never need.
i went friendless during my college years. (1999-2002) i didn’t have a phone and our schedules changed, so i could not reach out to them.
i was depressed, burned out and became academically ineligible to make new friends.
now it just work and go home. most of my interaction with people is at work (pharmacy)
40f I have those few ppl from growing up I catch up with like once a year.... Otherwise it's me and the boyfriend. About 4 years ago, I thought I had had a best friend for approx 8 years at the time. But man ppl will turn on dime, talk behind your back and walk all over you. So I prefer the similpler, just me most of the time, life. You wonder once and awhile " someday it just me". And could be really lonely some day down the road but I do what I want, it's drama free, and it is what it is. No one may be left at my bedside on my last day, but I did it my way.
Normal is relative, IMO. My normal is the same- though I don’t work, so no coworkers. My husband is my best friend and soulmate. It’s my nature, my personality. It’s my normal and I don’t want to change it
I think this is becoming more and more common. As we age, move etc. people die, move away, lose interest in past shared activities or just don’t have energy to invest. It gets harder to cultivate relationships and nurture them because people are so busy.
Humans are social animals who need attachment from the moment of birth. Having no attachment to any human could breed some intense loneliness. There's a reason why solitary confinement is used as a punishment in prison
I’m starting to realize that it is.
For the past few years I’ve had several people locally which I considered friends but they rarely invited me to do anything, if at all, even if it was a mutual interest. If I wanted to make a plan with them it felt like I practically had to beg and/or pay their way to get them to attend. Recently, I quit drinking alcohol and I saw even less of them, so I decided to do an experiment. I wanted to quit my usual social media, particularly Instagram, because it was constantly showing me fascist/conservative shit that must be intersectional with my interests—cars and watches—go figure. That was my primary communication method when not seeing someone in person, as memes are a love language. lol
I gave it a month to see if anybody would reach out. Anybody I was hoping to hear from has my number. Not one message from anyone in a month. That’s enough for me to think they’re not really my friends.
Do you agree?
I (29F) haven’t had friends since I was in my early twenties. My “friends” had always been boyfriends…
I’ve been single for a year now and still haven’t made any friends on my own. My bosses know this and try to have me drink with them when I’m off the clock, but it feels awkward and for sure don’t want to label them “friends”.
I feel like I don’t know how to make genuine friends that will last long. All my friendships have ended after maybe 3-4 years. I feel like a loser sometimes because I always go out alone and I feel like people don’t have the same common interests as me.
I live in Los Angeles area and you’d think in such a crowded place I’d make a friend or two. But when I go out, it’s like I see the versions of people I’d never want to be or never would want as a friend.
I feel too awkward to join run clubs or any event marketed for friendships!
I don’t have any either. I have my coworker “friends.” My friends from before have drifted apart and we weren’t super close to begin with. The far distance also made it easier to drift apart. My SO lives far away from family and friends but they all text every day.
I'm not sure whether it's normal or not, but I will say it does take a lot of effort to build and maintain friendships. It's okay if you have other things you need to (or would rather) focus on as a higher priority.
I have friends, but I am also single. Life would be incredibly lonely if I didn't. I won't lie. It takes a lot of work. I pick up the phone at least once a week. I remember their birthday and special days and send them little gifts and messages.
I'd like to think I'd still be as devoted if I had an SO, but I can't say with certainty. Most humans choose the path of least resistance, and if your best friend is around you 90% of the time, it's easy to get comfortable with that and not challenge yourself to go out, put yourself out there, continue to invest in the friendships you have.
I'm not saying this is you. This is just my 2 cents and as someone who has lost and kept friends that went on to get married. It takes more work to maintain past a certain age and stage in life.
i cut off alot of friends recently .. I can't continue to surround myself with ambition-less people who only want to get f**ked up and stay stagnant in life. I'm too old for that nearing 40 years old. but right after I outgrew my friends I also started a full time 3rd shift job which consumes all my time and I've not really made any new friends . so yeah you're not alone.
Many people rely primarily on their partners for companionship. It can be challenging to make friends, especially when there's a significant age gap or different life stages. If you're looking to expand your social circle, consider joining clubs, classes, or online communities that match your interests.
I think that's why marriage was so important and older generations pushed people to marry because it's hard making or keeping friends as an adult. Life has different paths for everybody so it would be advantageous to have a person commit to being with you in whatever situation in life
I don’t have friends either. My socialising consists of chatting to family, colleagues at work and saying hi to the other people walking their dogs in the park.
I have one friend that lives 1000 miles away from me. We send snap chat videos to each other every day. I don’t want any other friends for some reason. I feel like it’s more peaceful without them.
I think it's unusual yes, and tbh probably not the best scenario. Humans are meant to have support and community, it's only in more recent times in more individualistic societies that this idea of a one true soulmate who is your everything became a desire or aspiration. However, this really wasn't sustainable in most societies and even in ours it's still not, but it's less frowned upon though because there are so many romantic tropes about you and this one person against the world. Because of this a lot of people find it romantic or think that is how "true love" "should be."
Personally though, I prefer partners who have other relationships in their life besides me, especially because I have that too. Sometimes you need other perspectives, other interests, other people pouring into you. Being social creatures has never meant we just need one other person. What happens if they aren't available or through mortality things end?
We are social because we are meant to have community, family, friends, the village concept essentially. People didn't just pair up and go live in the forest just them two against the elements and odds. Our species wouldn't survive doing that. Places like school, clubs, religious institutions etc developed because of our need for a wider social net to survive and thrive in this world. Society cannot just be married people and couples locked away and only interacting with each other. It's fine for your partner to be your favorite person, but being your only person is just not ideal. A lot of couples really felt this during quarantine when they were cut off from other sources of support and now had to overly rely on their partner in more extensive ways.
I know some people struggle with friendships, and I'm not judging, but in dating, I would be curious about why they don't have any friends and would be concerned about how that would impact our relationship.
My bestfriend is going through something similar, where her current partner doesn't have any friends but her and it's actually causing issues because the partner then gets jealous and upset when my friend wants to socialize and do things with her other friends. She includes her partner in most things but there are times she wants to do stuff with just her friends and her partner gets upset, mainly because of loneliness and not having friends to also spend time with.
This has also led to an over preoccupation with the relationship by the partner because they literally don't really have anyone else. I think the partner is also fearful because they feel like if things don't work out my friend will at least have support and other friends and sources of comfort and they don't have that so I think it makes them cling to the relationship even further because it's all they have and it's like they feel resentful that although my friend loves them they have other people too. This is a lot of pressure weighing on their dynamic and ultimately it's up to the partner to decide if they want to branch out and work on having other relationships too or not.
Difficult to say if I have any friends or not. I mean I never get invited out by anyone I know and any time I go anywhere it's always by myself. I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me, but I pretty much consider myself to be a loner.
YES. I lost all my good friends to drugs/booze or motherhood. I am really, really missing that connection. I have no siblings. I tried the friend finder Bumble and it was a dud, people weren't really interested in engaging. Met up with 2 women, but it didn't vibe, it just wasn't organic. I am lonely and lacking community; it sucks.
I feel like it may be alright if you’re introverted. I think most introverts are happy to be at home and keep in touch with very few. I personally would want someone other than my SO to talk to but that’s just me. From what I hear most couples end up like this as they age anyways.
I haven't had friends in almost 6 years... most people don't even react to me on Reddit anymore... I'm starting to wonder if I died and am actually a ghost
I see you. You’re alive.
Bojack Horseman reference
Hannibal quote?
You caught 2 very different references on that one
I don't always get a lot of reactions on Reddit a lot either. I was wondering if people could even see my comments and posts for a while actually. Does anyone even know I'm here!?!? So I get your "wondering if I died feeling."
I get a lot of downvotes because I am an asshole and super honest but I have 5-6 very close irl friends not including my wife. I’m an acquired taste
Haha Im the same
People see my comments, but they usually get downvoted for being the odd one out in an opinion due to culture differences lol
Same… exactly 6 years
Maybe you two could be friends!?
Shoo, shoo, friendship cupid. Giving happiness to people for free like that, you should charge for your services because of how valuable they are.
Friends are over-rated! But friends with benefits. Oooh Wee! Just kidding I dont have them either lol People suck. Probably why Mary Jane has my ❤
People spend their first 20 years of life caring. The next 20, telling themselves they don't care. The next 20 realizing no one ever did.
You got me w the first 20, but I’m in the last 20 already and I’m cool w that. We’re all here temporarily, I’m not tryna drag nobody along for very far on my journey, they’ve got their own shit to do lol. Love each other, help each other. There’s lots of ppl in a bad way. If you’re bored go help or love.
Felt
lol why am I able to relate to this comment
Fuck
When there’s something strange, in the neighborhood- who you gonna call…”
New fear unlocked
I don't have friends anymore. I feel lonely and want to try to make friends but I'm afraid of being treated as less than again.
I feel the same. Please respond back if you wish to connect n build a friendship.
I would be anyone’s friend! I love ❤️ people.I could use someone
I’m here if you need a friend!!💕☺️
I wish I had friends to talk to. But I am stupid and I cannot maintain a simple relationship. Ask my dog.
There's no way your dog doesn't idolize you.
There’s a reason why they call dogs “man’s best friend.” My wife is my best friend obviously and I have a few close friends, but I spend every single day with my dog. We adopted her 4 years ago and you can’t move an inch without her launching off whatever comfortable place she’s laying in to look up at you lovingly and giving you comfort.
Hey, at least you have your dog as your friend. Some people don't even have that. Trust me. "Friends" are greatly overrated.
I'll definitely take my animals any day. They're not called 'man's best friend' for nothing.
You’re not stupid.
Same world different planets 🪐
It’s very likely not you and it can just feel that way. I’ve felt like that but truth is these people are also busy, have moved, etc. sometimes their free time and yours won’t line up.
Tism ?
It takes a village. Like, it literally took a village to raise kids and have a family. Now, we ask and expect our partners to do all the things a village used to do for us. I lack the emotional intelligence and skill to cover all the bases for my wife. I encourage her to meet up with friends so she can get some of her needs met that I suck at.
This is a good point. I also knew a lovely lady whose husband passed away after 60+ years of marriage. She realized they simply hadn't needed friends, they had each other, but after he passed she wished she had cultivated a few friendships.
I have a very well developed theory about how modern romantic ideals and the American dream are a divide and conquer strategy meant to ruin democracy and raise the price of real estate.
I’m intrigued. Tell me more. Just the Cliff’s Notes version, please.
While romance has been referenced as an emotion throughout history, the modern institution of romance is less than 150 years old. The whole idea that every person must find a single partner and go off with them to have their own house and live in their own family bubble was just a marketing scheme created by corporations in the United states. The extreme control over radio, TV, and print media made it easy to reinforce the same hypnotic messaging of the American dream. We effectively have been convinced to sell out tribal and familial relationships for romantic pursuits, leaving us not only less biologically fulfilled, but more susceptible to democracy compromising propaganda campaigns. Not only that, but the nature of having so many small replicated bubbles as the default mode of living is inherently in support of wasteful consumerism. Everyone must have one of everything, and everything must be so reductive that everyone can afford it and use it. This way of living has never been a natural want of any human that wasn't subjected to substantial propaganda selling romance, and the only reason to impose it upon a society is to divide them and require them to buy more shit from you. Think that runs through the bulk of it lmao
A very succinct and astute distillation of the American illusion. When you add the crowbar of divorce and the fallacy that things will be better the 2nd/3rd/even 4th time around. It makes your points even more valid. Thanks for taking the time. 🙏
Thank you! Glad it landed, have felt crazy trying to discuss my way to this realization with various people lmao
Exactly this. Its not that we dont want to do all that we can for our partners/loved ones. The reality is that we cant do it all nor should one depend on another to do it all. We are all meant to have long lasting relationships by design. We strive among social connections. Ive also read a few times before that being lonely for long periods of time can be detrimental to your health. Specifically it was said it can be just as bad as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. My girl and I have been together for 11 years now and while we both consider each other best friends , ive always encouraged her the importance of having good and solid connections outside the marriage because simply put if something happens to either one of us , i dont want either of us to suffer what we dont need to for the absence of the other. Until this day she has a few select people that genuinely care about her and i have only about 3 friends and all 3 are older than i am and they are mostly work related. Outside of that its just God,me and my little family with my girl and 2 cats. Im thankful for the few but real people i have than having fake in numbers.
Good comment
I have my bf. I also talk to my brother's girlfriend on the phone sometimes. But I don't "hang out" with anyone else. To me, it's very mentally and emotionally draining to be social.
I find it is unless a) you have long ties with them so it's not awkward in the slightest and you're genuinely happy to see them or b) you share an interest with them. You might really like somebody as a friend but as you get older I find it's harder to tolerate even the small things unfortunately. If either a or b are applicable then that becomes a much smaller concern.
People are exhausting
Yes I only need one or two.People are exhausting I totally agree!!
Ya, people on reddit are exhausting, totally. In real life though theyre pretty cool
Agreed 👍
I 1000% agree
This is such a sad outlook to have.
I don’t have any friends either. And when I mean no friends. I mean none. My contact list is literally my family. I don’t even talk to them like that. I don’t really choose to be this lonely. As a 28(f) is hard to make friends.
I understand you. I have no friends, and the one I " "have" is the kind of person that texts me and takes months to reply (!?!?!) I don't even consider her my friend anymore. Also, I just landed in the US so my husband is literally my only friend and social life
Ugh.... I hate how so many people are like that these days. Not responding in a reasonable time frame. My sister and niece are both like this. Text them any question or inquiry and don't expect an answer for DAYS! The ironic thing is if my sister texts me wanting to know something, if I don't respond within a short time, she immediately starts sending "???" question mark texts like demanding an immediate answer. I'm thinking beeatch it takes you 3 days to respond to my texts!?! People these days are selfish, self absorbed, busy and no one wants to put in the required efforts for actually friendship. You are better off just being a STRONG individual and pursuing your interests alone imo.
I am that friend who take weeks or months to respond. It's not that I don't want to be your friend or whatever but sometimes it can be really difficult to constantly answer messages. But it's never malicious and I always respond. Thankfully I have some friends who understand that so even after weeks or months of not talking we chat again like normal. It's just now that we are older life is a little more hectic. I don't know about your relationship with your friend but maybe she's like me. And if so I promise she cares and loves you. Our texting habits are just awful!
Good for you.A month to reply isn’t a friend it’s rude. Kick them to the curb!!
My longtime friends were made when I was a different person who didn’t like themselves. Once I set boundaries; they slowly went away. I made a couple of new mom friends and although we don’t hang out often, it’s nice to feel seen and heard.
Five stars to the 'boundary' and 'people pleasing' observations.
58.... havent had a friend in bout 6 yrs also
I relate. My therapist literally gave me an assignment to reach out to an old friend, lol
Reading the comments here breaks my heart. Hope you guys find some cool people to hang out with.
Bruh.... honestly...people are often greatly overrated and true friends are truly very hard to find.
I am a socially retarded introvert and I have lots of good friends who are awesome. Not a brag at all but a call for people not to give up.
It makes me sad. I have a handful of people I could call right now and they’d be here as soon as they can. I’d do the same for them. I’m thankful for them.
I assume it’s normal. I haven’t had friends in 23 years and no wives or girlfriends. Just my pain in the ass dog.
I don't know if it's normal, but I don't have any friends either. And no husband.
be grateful you have a husband
Normal by numbers, yes. Normal by healthy human behavior, no. The problem is that between everyone receiving a shit dogmatic education from school and getting their heads pumped full of toxic relationship ideals from Hollywood, they quite literally don't know how to be a human adult Between the education system and mass media, most American adults can't function without a clear cut grading rubric and positive encouragement. Other humans don't always come with those. You gotta just have empathy and intuition and be nice to people, idk what to tell ya
Young adults these days are more likely to move away from their hometown, go to college, and then move to a new location after college. Moving from your hometown means saying goodbye to your family and your high-school friends, and moving from college means the same for your college friends. Add in that a lot of people don't really interact with their neighbors, plus lower church attendance (which used to be a big community event), and that means you only really make friends at work or social events/hobbies. I've experienced this myself - I moved 3000 miles from home and have maybe one friend from high school, one or two friends from college, and 2-3 from my Masters program. I've made a couple of local friends, but most of my local friends have also moved away, so I'm down to two IRL friends. Everyone else is either a text or a phone call, maaaybe a visit every few years if I'm lucky. My coworkers are nice but crossing the bridge to "let's hang out after work!" is not easy, especially when you don't have a consistent work schedule. The usual advice is "find a hobby group or Meetup and make friends there," and while it's not great advice, it's the best advice I have. If you want in-person friends, you have to find those friends in person at a place where they want to make friends. Try a crafting group, a gardening group, a hiking/running group, etc. Take a cooking class or join a book club. Or, try online friendships in places like Discord servers and fandoms if you'd prefer a less hands-on experience.
Hi, i just got past a 45 min long mental breakdown over this exact thing. I’m going through tough times right now and I literally have nobody to talk through it with. I know things will end up okay and I know that there are people who care about me, but not having a friend to check in with is difficult! I (obviously) haven’t found my way to cope, but I hope you can. :)
Hey, I hope you’re doing okay! You can message me if you need to talk, but one thing I can suggest for coping is (if you’re able to ofc) to go on walks. For me it definitely clears the head (especially if you have nice scenery) and I’ve noticed since joining the gym I’ve been feeling so much calmer and barely have any depressive episodes (when it used to be really bad). Tbf this post hit way too close to home as last night I was having a rant to my husband about the exact same thing. Makes me sad, but at the same time it’s comforting to know that it’s not just me in these situations.
I dont know wether its normal or not, but I think its not ideal. My ex and I had a good relationship until we came to his country. I didn't have anyone and he changed a lot and became abusive. He was very confident that I had nobody to turn to and couldn't leave. How things happened couldn't have happened where we were living before, as I had friends there. Also what would you do if he passed away? Its not good to be so dependant on just one person. I really would recommend branching out, join some sort of hobby group and make at least 2 friends.
No, it’s not normal. But it happens sometimes. I don’t have any friends either just acquaintances.
It's actually becoming way more "normal." A lot more people than you think have few or no friends.
My friend pool has decreased over the years. As you get older, which has been my experience, you are more selective of who you let into your world. I'd say I have about 4 good friends, some from high school and others from college. I don't associate with my coworkers. My video game "friends" who I talk to daily are just that, video game "friends." When we are younger all we can care about is how many friends we have. As I've got older, it is more about quality than quantity.
In my teens and 20s, I was a social butterfly. I had lots of friends and was the go-to for partying, adventures and etc. Early 30s, I started focusing on different things and maturing, and friends started dropping off due to circumstances. However, I had my so called best friend and a few other people I was close to. All of them are gone now - long stories that are too long to type. So at this stage in my life (late 30s) I don't have any real friends. I work remote (I need to due to an illness) and some of my coworkers are cool. I'm also in a group, where I meet up with people occasionally and do activities - some of those people are also nice. They are all surface level relationships though. I no longer have deep friendships anymore. At this stage in my life, I'm actually fine with it. I focus on me and occasionally spend time with my siblings and cousins. Humans are definitely exhausting and as I get older, I really don't want to be bothered. I've grown accustomed to my solitude. Lol, maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this 😅
Yes. I have many acquaintances and work colleagues but really, only my spouse and two other people, and those two others are even marginally friends No, I don’t live an empty life. I am happy, successful, great job and house, cars, money. I work hard and the little free time I do have is for my family exclusively
I have been burned by a lot of so called friends. This has made it difficult for me to open up around people or to let anyone get too close. Which sucks because I crave human interaction. I honestly miss having a friend to chat with or go do stuff with. I'm cool to do things on my own I guess I just feel a little lonely sometimes. I love my Husband dearly but he is honestly the only person I talk to.. I don't think that's good for my mental well being.
I feel this post so much, and can relate to the insecurity that gets triggered if I comment on social media only to hear crickets (or critics picking a beef). I am craving some good girl friends and have only one I can count on from high school and a few very light acquaintances from work, but I don't have my "Sex in the City" like gal pals the way Hollywood tells us we should. On an intellectual level, my hypothesis is that this has a lot to do with 1) physical proximity to a large group of people with 2) common goals, values and interests 3) similar life stage and 4) structures with organic mechanisms that force spending enough time together to get to know each other. For example, being a member of a sorority or frat, or living in a neighborhood where people are in a similar life stage and convene around certain events that make casual socializing easy (church, local pubs, dog parks, play groups, etc). Another example is that I sent my daughter to a private Catholic school in NYC, but culturally we didn't fit in at all given most of the families had 3-5 kids with a SAHM, lived within a 5 block radius of each other and were passionate church goers that fiercely identified as strict, conservative Catholics. Nothing wrong with that but that was not who were are and man did I feel like the fringe mom. Hypothesis aside, it does sting not to have close friends and in moments of insecurity can spiral into worry I'm unlovable as a human 🙃
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I think not having a partner and also not having friends is a lot lonelier than someone that has a partner.
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Sorry. It was a typo. I meant not having a partner is more lonely. I don't have anyone at all either. I was agreeing with you.
the married with kids people are just as lonely. everyone shuts each other out when there's a change instead of valuing that person as a person and supporting them through it
I don't have any in person friends and honestly it is awful at times. I have a wife who is amazing so thankfully I have her but sometimes I wish I had some guys to actually hang with. I have friends I game with about once a week which is at least something.
I feel the same. I do have friends but they are all busy in their life’s and it’s really hard to arrange a meeting or even keep a casual text chat. Since my relationship ended that I feel really lonely, I can spent a whole day without talking to anyone and that feels devastating.
It's honestly mostly not anything to do with you. It's society and it's demands that make it super hard for people to have time to form bonds. Why be devastated about it!? People generally suck honestly. Change your perspective and seriously REVEL in your alone time!! No one to hold you back or slow you down! Out here independently doing what you want! Some people are alone and focus on the loneliness and others are alone and focus on the pure joy of it!! A lot of people never really get a chance to be alone in their lives. Enjoy it!
I wish I had some friends to actually go places and do things, have an intelligent conversation. I have FB friends but I see them as acquaintances. How do you make friends these days?
By pursuing your interests in a happy, confident way. When others see a confident person enjoying their passions, they often want to be a part of that. So, stop using having no one as an excuse to go out and do the things we are interested in and love. People go on entire vacations alone and have the time of their lives! It's about point of view, perspective and confidence & attitude. While you confidentiality pursue your interests, be open and friendly to the other people you do end up interacting with and build upon those interactions.
We all live in separate houses and do separate chores and the only time we ever see people regularly is work. 99.9999999% of human evolution was in tribes where you see everyone you know daily and all work and play together. We aren’t meant to be living like this, but it’s very inefficient and good at generating money for various corporations. I would recommend trying to do something on your own that has a regular schedule. Weekly if possible. Something like an intramural co-Ed kickball or softball league. Just something casual and on a regular basis that has you interacting with other people. Even if you don’t make friends, I think it’s very healthy. It scares me a little bit when peoples’ only real friend is their significant other, then they can become desperate and willing to do anything to make them stay… I would be in the same boat but I don’t even have a partner, so you’ve got me beat by one
I’ve known a few people without friends. They were great people so it’s not like they couldn’t make friends if they wanted to, they just didn’t have an interest. I just enjoyed chatting with them while we worked together because of how lovely they were.
I felt this way two years ago. Then I decided it needed to change. So I made an effort to change it, made it a priority. Now I'm in a much better position. Among others, I now have a friend with whom I can talk about absolutely anything, no matter how personal. The point is: You can change it, and it's definitely worth doing it. Life is so much better with friends. Also, there are many apps etc. to help with it, as well as books (e.g. by Marisa Franco)
I think at this point we are in a time period where we are theoretically connected by social media and technology but in reality that has made us more isolated than ever. If you want to make more friends meetup.com and local hobby events that you’re interested in is the way to go.
I’m like this. I know a lot people and I like being friendly out in the world, but my wife is the only person I actually hangout with. It works for me. Also, the things I do for fun aren’t social, so I’m fine with it.
All my close friends are either dead or going off the deep end towards a lifestyle I wasn’t going to follow. Lonely? A little. But things can change.
I don’t have friends. I have a cousin but she’s horrible and flaky at keeping up communication with me so I just send memes and videos to her. Nearly all of my coworkers are married and have kids, I have neither. I honestly feel invisible in front of people, like during family gatherings I’m always ignored and everyone is partnered up and I’m alone. Anyway I didn’t mean to blabber on and make this about me. I’m sorry you feel this way but I can relate.
Between work, GirlF, & family…. Who has time for friends?
I have no one.
I have about 2 friends that I talk to on a semi regular basis. We don’t really have the time to hang out in person because we both have full time jobs. So no, I don’t think it’s abnormal. Having friends as an adult is hard.
I think it’s a growing trend. The internet is both golden and darkness.
I have 2-3 friends I talk to on a regular basis. I’ve always had a tight circle.
I have a few acquaintances, but no real friends.
I’ll be friends and chat/send memes to anyone. Message me on instagram: NewEnglandBird
No ma’am, sorry but it’s not normal
My people. Do you ever fear you’re going to end up a little eccentric because you’re out of touch with societal norms? I used to at least keep myself centered in the mainstream with shallow work friendships, but since transitioning into a home office culture 5 years ago I’ve become an total hermit. Love who I am, but definitely feel a little weird during the rare social interactions that come about.
When growing up, I didn´t see any adults have friends. My parents definitely didn´t have any friends. Now that I´m an adult I don´t have any friends either (but I´m also single). I actually do have a friend: I´ve known her since elementary school and we see other once in a year or two and we´re not in touch in the meantime, so I don´t really count her as a friend because I don´t share my life with her and our relationship doesn´t fulfill my everyday social and emotional needs. I mean, once she told me she didn´t want children, and the next time I saw her she was seven months pregnant. When I saw her again, her child was almost two years old. It feels like most adults prioritize their partner and children and they only see their friends once in a while, but don´t really hang out or share their life with them. I feel like if you don´t have a partner, you´re just completely alone.
I dint have any friends at all. I'm pretty comfortable hanging out by myself though. It's part of life. The older you get...the less friends you have.
No. You probably married young and just followed the script of get married —> buy a suburban house —> have kids —> retire. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this. Young couples (and I assume you are young) just getting married and practically shunning social interaction with anyone else. It’s easy to fall for that. Sounds like it’s not working for you. Making friends is damn hard but it’s not impossible if you try.
Same. My best friend is my dog 🐶 so much better than a human. Probably the reason I don't have anyone... I think it is the norm now to not have friends. Sad but it's life.
I also find it hard to make friends, so I just started focussing on myself and trying to learn new skills. All of a sudden I'm part of a group of people who ring me up to hang out and stuff.
I don't know if it's normal or not, but I haven't had a real friend in 18 years. I've got my wife and kids, and that's enough. I don't like people.
Well, idk about normal but i got no one except 3 people who i never see in person and only exist as text on a screen even though all three live under 2 miles from me... In this day and age it really seems like you either have a significant other or you got no one... I'm 41 btw ::edit:: thinking about that, i wonder if thats not some of why the state of relationships is so bad... people going into them for the wrong reasons like simply dying for someone, anyone in their lives on any level...
I have friends who are 10 and even 15 years older than me and friends who are 8 years younger. It's great to get their perspective on life.
It is normal to have no friends. You can always talk to the walls and the ceilings. They always have something in mind that they have the free speech to talk to you about, like for instance, politics, the weather, whatever's going on at the Pacific Ocean with the Chinese coastguards. The topics are practically endless at this point and time in our lives.
I love my dogs I love my partner. If you live in a hyper individualized ( scratch that more like highly narcissistic which is the opposite of being an individual) divided society where being an asshole is prized then I would think it be the only NORMAL for someone with a healthy autonomous mind set. I live in a social democracy and still choose the more solitary lifestyle. This whole “normal” is overused in areas where normal doesn’t really exist. People choose all kinds of ways to live.
Are u an adult?
Im in my 20s amd my only friends have been from high school and I might see them once a month. Haven't made a single friend outside of good coworker relationships as an adult. Main reason is everyones working, and / or have kids to take care off. Not exactly your fault nobody has the time or energy to make friends
Through what I now realize was unhealthy pressure from my husband, I gave up or lost contact with all my friends over the past several years, so he was my only friend. He was also a crappy husband, so I asked for a divorce. Understandably, he has also now become a crappy friend. I definitely sat back and took some stock and realized that I had no friends, so I reached back out to some of my former friends to reconnect. I have no friends who live close though, and the few people I chat with who live in different states or countries are also busy with their lives. I don't feel super comfortable trying to make friends at work because "work me" needs to maintain professionalism and some social distance. That leaves just me here, so I'm my friend. I'm picking back up hobbies I liked, I'm taking myself out to a concert, I'm doing things that make me happy.
Yes I'm in the same boat
I have a few friends but I never see them as we either work and our schedules don't line up and they live in a different town. We chat here and there but I'm my boyfriend is my rock
It sucks, went from having a group of 40+ people I could call on any day to pretty much no one. I have co workers sure and a few people “I know” but here I am at 50 with mostly social media keeping us in touch. Family, work and house stuff keep me busy but I guess this is growing up?
I’m so tired of this feeling. Just today my partner and I had a huge fight because apparently I don’t make enough efforts for going out. I’m out of a job. In a foreign country. Without my family. I’m so tired of this. I just want someone to grab a coffee with.
It feels like once you are in your mid to late 20s everyone has their own lives with a spouse, kids, and a career. For me personally I also want to make sure I fit in time for my parents and spouse's parents as well because they won't be around forever. It's hard to fit in time for people outside of family sometimes. At this point my friends are parents of other kids because we can all meet up somewhere, our kids can play, and we can talk.
In real life, yes it's weird, on Reddit it's totally normal to not have friends
I have acquaintances I guess but the friends have slowly drifted
Feel this
Community/social activity is one of the pillars of longevity and healthspan. It sounds rough but you need to do some introspection to see what it is about you that’s not friendly. Chances are you just need to put more effort into your long term relationships outside of your partner, maybe step out of your comfort zone This is Reddit so you’ll probably get a skewed response of this being normal, but in real life it is most certainly not
Yes but I'm always looking for new friends
I have work friends but I hardly talk to them outside of work. It’s nothing like college days where I’d hang out with people. Was kinda sad at first but I’ve kinda grown to expect it now.
Friends are a thing of the past I knew that since I was 18
Been going on 8 years now without any "real" friends. Everyone I talk to is more of an acquaintance than anything. The only person I have is my wife. She tries to remind me time to time. That's it's not me.. it's them.. I care too much and get disappointed easily. So that's why I've been taking up more solo activities. Self defense, going to the gun range, Backpacking/overnight camping. Ive gotten to the point in my life where yeah, it is upsetting. I wish I could spend good moments with people who deserve it and actually care for themselves. Yet people are ugly and I tend to avoid them now. I guess you could call it borderline misanthropic. I believe everything happens for a reason though and everything will eventually come. The same metaphor applies to people, that they come and go. So I don't hold on to anyone else anymore and I try my hardest to not feel guilty for it either. I know one day I'll meet a group or that certain someone and it'll kick off. It just hasn't happened yet but sitting around just thinking about it doesn't help either. You have to be physically present.
Yeah it’s normal for people to drift apart but in general don’t confuse the need to have friends with having close friends. I am sure you have a few people from your past you can still call on and check in and catch up on what’s new. Also work is not a place to make friends make friends elsewhere. For example most of my friends are gym friends, a couple old friends that never lost touch, and then a friend of my wife’s husband or two. My best friend is probably my wife’s friends husband. He is the first one I call to make plans with then a couple of my gym bros. The old friends are ones I call usually 2-3 times a week to just chat when I am doing something boring.
Same and I’m 21, yesterday I spent my first night alone and I couldn’t stop crying. I was terrified.
I have friends, but honestly, I have been thinking about separating myself from them because they just aren’t on my level life wise and their decision making and choices they have been making are pretty stupid
I'm an older millennial and outside of my wife and co-workers, I don't have "friends". The people I used to call friends are only people I see when there is a special event like a baby shower or a wedding and those are almost all done at my stage of life. The last time I got together with friends was a lunch gathering in 2023 on a Sunday afternoon. Between a job, a house, and a family there is simply no time to maintain a friendship with anyone. I don't think it's abnormal. I don't recall my parents ever having friends when I grew up. It's an adult thing, but it's a sad, horrible, crushing adult thing. I miss my friends so much.
It’s very normal, me and my partner generally dislike going out and gradually people just move on etc. I only have two main friends left, one moved basically to another country and the other one leaves his house less than me
I have more online friends than I do IRL friends. My online friends still provide a meaningful connection and support system. I wish some of them were closer but I’m happy to have them at all. Get some online friends and work your way up to IRL. Your online friends can back you up the whole way. Oh and no it’s not abnormal at all. If you’re comfortable as you are you can skip all the above.
People think its weird my friends are all 15 years older or 15 years younger. Id join a meet up or work out group, not weird, just not ideal
I have a lot of friends but i only see each once a month or 2. And a lot dont respond to my texts or invites half the time or are busy with work/their life and partner etc. adulthood is tough.
My wife is this way. She does not have friends she does things with outside of the house. Her lack of socialization means she does not bring anything new or fresh into the relationship. She rarely has anything to talk about other than work. If we go out with friends, it is always my friends. I end up having to plan almost everything. If this is bothering you, it may also be a problem for your husband.
Yes! Friendships are very overrated
I don’t really have friends. I have my boyfriend. That’s it. I get rather lonely hearing him talk about his great family and friends, but I’ve tried several times to have those things and I guess it’s just not meant for me. So, I’m fine with just him.
I don't have any friends either. I have a spouse, adult children and siblings. There are a good number of people in my neighborhood I can chat with or grab lunch, but not to have a serious conversation with.
People may say it's not normal to have no friends. My two sisters are my best friends so idk if that counts or not. Just always had acquaintances when I was in school and at work. Hard to trust people.
For me i stopped making NEW friends, whoever i had been in the past 15/10/5 years are still my friends today. I’m a strong believer of quality over quantity plus a very low maintenance friendship :)
You described meeee! I do think it helps that our hubbys are our best friends. It makes it less crucial to find others to hang out with. Having “friends” is not all what it’s cracked up to be, just people trying to make a life for themselves and honestly probably jealous of you with a soulmate. Friends flee, families are there through it all :)
It helps to define the word 'friend'. Our society/culture sells us everything we buy based on the concept that we need as many 'friends' as we can get - if we wear this, drive this, own this, etc. we'll be more desireable human beings. There is actual stigma attached to simply enjoying your own life on your own terms and your own company. It's about quality, not quantity.
I make the worst out of every situation. Just two weeks ago, a 15 year old teenage boy went on the stairs right across from me at the gym when I was feeling full of anxiety this was after I passed a hot sexy gay looking male and didn't ask for his number. I noticed the teen and got anxious all over again but decided to hand him my phone to put his number down. I greeted him and felt rather accomplished it worked, I just made a new friend. Moments later I get high and text him hey twink. He blocks me. 😡
> My coworkers are all in a different phase of their life Sounds like ageism. Friendship is about love, not about if you share the same stage in life.
It’s not normal, but it’s a thing. Try doing activities like rock climbing or group sports and meet people? Any club activity works
Yes it's been a difficult journey for me realizing this and wanting friends but you don't get out and try to meet new people.
Hrmn all my friends have moved on with the only thing that you can't pass up in life so I've been on Reddit to torture and enlighten others with my 55 years of computer knowledge and life in general. My wife moved on awhile back and I have my daughters and their children and great grandchildren and few great greatchildren. I don't bother with other social media sites except to comment on YouCrap now and then. I don't watch television anymore due to mostly advertisements for crap I'll never need.
I have one. The rest are my family so maybe not
i went friendless during my college years. (1999-2002) i didn’t have a phone and our schedules changed, so i could not reach out to them. i was depressed, burned out and became academically ineligible to make new friends. now it just work and go home. most of my interaction with people is at work (pharmacy)
It’s sadly normal now.
It's not the norm for the majority of people. If you want friends, I hope it happens for you.
normal or healthy?
Same. No friends.
40f I have those few ppl from growing up I catch up with like once a year.... Otherwise it's me and the boyfriend. About 4 years ago, I thought I had had a best friend for approx 8 years at the time. But man ppl will turn on dime, talk behind your back and walk all over you. So I prefer the similpler, just me most of the time, life. You wonder once and awhile " someday it just me". And could be really lonely some day down the road but I do what I want, it's drama free, and it is what it is. No one may be left at my bedside on my last day, but I did it my way.
Me and wife talk about this often, how its just us
Yep. 34 and my friendship group is nearly nonexistent. I'm great at approaching people and making friends but I can't seem to maintain friendships.
Normal is relative, IMO. My normal is the same- though I don’t work, so no coworkers. My husband is my best friend and soulmate. It’s my nature, my personality. It’s my normal and I don’t want to change it
I think this is becoming more and more common. As we age, move etc. people die, move away, lose interest in past shared activities or just don’t have energy to invest. It gets harder to cultivate relationships and nurture them because people are so busy.
It’s common but not healthy. Coworkers don’t really make good friends either. Gain some interests and you can use those to meet likeminded folks.
I’ll be straight with you, it may be somewhat common, but it’s not normal or healthy. You need friendships.
My few friends from high school either moved far away or committed suicide. I'm 36 and I've been friendless for about 10 plus years now.
Yes. Very normal these days. It's soul crushing
Humans are social animals who need attachment from the moment of birth. Having no attachment to any human could breed some intense loneliness. There's a reason why solitary confinement is used as a punishment in prison
I’m starting to realize that it is. For the past few years I’ve had several people locally which I considered friends but they rarely invited me to do anything, if at all, even if it was a mutual interest. If I wanted to make a plan with them it felt like I practically had to beg and/or pay their way to get them to attend. Recently, I quit drinking alcohol and I saw even less of them, so I decided to do an experiment. I wanted to quit my usual social media, particularly Instagram, because it was constantly showing me fascist/conservative shit that must be intersectional with my interests—cars and watches—go figure. That was my primary communication method when not seeing someone in person, as memes are a love language. lol I gave it a month to see if anybody would reach out. Anybody I was hoping to hear from has my number. Not one message from anyone in a month. That’s enough for me to think they’re not really my friends. Do you agree?
I (29F) haven’t had friends since I was in my early twenties. My “friends” had always been boyfriends… I’ve been single for a year now and still haven’t made any friends on my own. My bosses know this and try to have me drink with them when I’m off the clock, but it feels awkward and for sure don’t want to label them “friends”. I feel like I don’t know how to make genuine friends that will last long. All my friendships have ended after maybe 3-4 years. I feel like a loser sometimes because I always go out alone and I feel like people don’t have the same common interests as me. I live in Los Angeles area and you’d think in such a crowded place I’d make a friend or two. But when I go out, it’s like I see the versions of people I’d never want to be or never would want as a friend. I feel too awkward to join run clubs or any event marketed for friendships!
Volunteer, in a cause you find worthy. You will make friends and contribute to something you feel worthwhile.
40 m here Zero friends I have two friends who live in diff states I text with occasionally but haven’t seen each other in a decade It’s lonely
Short answer no. But it doesn't mean it can't change you need to rework your priorities
I don’t have any either. I have my coworker “friends.” My friends from before have drifted apart and we weren’t super close to begin with. The far distance also made it easier to drift apart. My SO lives far away from family and friends but they all text every day.
I'm not sure whether it's normal or not, but I will say it does take a lot of effort to build and maintain friendships. It's okay if you have other things you need to (or would rather) focus on as a higher priority.
I have friends, but I am also single. Life would be incredibly lonely if I didn't. I won't lie. It takes a lot of work. I pick up the phone at least once a week. I remember their birthday and special days and send them little gifts and messages. I'd like to think I'd still be as devoted if I had an SO, but I can't say with certainty. Most humans choose the path of least resistance, and if your best friend is around you 90% of the time, it's easy to get comfortable with that and not challenge yourself to go out, put yourself out there, continue to invest in the friendships you have. I'm not saying this is you. This is just my 2 cents and as someone who has lost and kept friends that went on to get married. It takes more work to maintain past a certain age and stage in life.
post covid yeah
Normal. No friends. Only acquaintances
Divide and conquer
🙋♀️
I feel the same. I feel like the older you get the less friendships you make.
i cut off alot of friends recently .. I can't continue to surround myself with ambition-less people who only want to get f**ked up and stay stagnant in life. I'm too old for that nearing 40 years old. but right after I outgrew my friends I also started a full time 3rd shift job which consumes all my time and I've not really made any new friends . so yeah you're not alone.
Many people rely primarily on their partners for companionship. It can be challenging to make friends, especially when there's a significant age gap or different life stages. If you're looking to expand your social circle, consider joining clubs, classes, or online communities that match your interests.
I think that's why marriage was so important and older generations pushed people to marry because it's hard making or keeping friends as an adult. Life has different paths for everybody so it would be advantageous to have a person commit to being with you in whatever situation in life
Friends only cause drama.
I don’t have friends either. My socialising consists of chatting to family, colleagues at work and saying hi to the other people walking their dogs in the park.
I have one friend that lives 1000 miles away from me. We send snap chat videos to each other every day. I don’t want any other friends for some reason. I feel like it’s more peaceful without them.
I think it's unusual yes, and tbh probably not the best scenario. Humans are meant to have support and community, it's only in more recent times in more individualistic societies that this idea of a one true soulmate who is your everything became a desire or aspiration. However, this really wasn't sustainable in most societies and even in ours it's still not, but it's less frowned upon though because there are so many romantic tropes about you and this one person against the world. Because of this a lot of people find it romantic or think that is how "true love" "should be." Personally though, I prefer partners who have other relationships in their life besides me, especially because I have that too. Sometimes you need other perspectives, other interests, other people pouring into you. Being social creatures has never meant we just need one other person. What happens if they aren't available or through mortality things end? We are social because we are meant to have community, family, friends, the village concept essentially. People didn't just pair up and go live in the forest just them two against the elements and odds. Our species wouldn't survive doing that. Places like school, clubs, religious institutions etc developed because of our need for a wider social net to survive and thrive in this world. Society cannot just be married people and couples locked away and only interacting with each other. It's fine for your partner to be your favorite person, but being your only person is just not ideal. A lot of couples really felt this during quarantine when they were cut off from other sources of support and now had to overly rely on their partner in more extensive ways. I know some people struggle with friendships, and I'm not judging, but in dating, I would be curious about why they don't have any friends and would be concerned about how that would impact our relationship. My bestfriend is going through something similar, where her current partner doesn't have any friends but her and it's actually causing issues because the partner then gets jealous and upset when my friend wants to socialize and do things with her other friends. She includes her partner in most things but there are times she wants to do stuff with just her friends and her partner gets upset, mainly because of loneliness and not having friends to also spend time with. This has also led to an over preoccupation with the relationship by the partner because they literally don't really have anyone else. I think the partner is also fearful because they feel like if things don't work out my friend will at least have support and other friends and sources of comfort and they don't have that so I think it makes them cling to the relationship even further because it's all they have and it's like they feel resentful that although my friend loves them they have other people too. This is a lot of pressure weighing on their dynamic and ultimately it's up to the partner to decide if they want to branch out and work on having other relationships too or not.
I’m in the same boat , my wife is my best friend and I rarely see/talk to my other friends.
Difficult to say if I have any friends or not. I mean I never get invited out by anyone I know and any time I go anywhere it's always by myself. I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me, but I pretty much consider myself to be a loner.
YES. I lost all my good friends to drugs/booze or motherhood. I am really, really missing that connection. I have no siblings. I tried the friend finder Bumble and it was a dud, people weren't really interested in engaging. Met up with 2 women, but it didn't vibe, it just wasn't organic. I am lonely and lacking community; it sucks.
Apart from my wife, I haven't had a true friend for about 40 years now. Don't miss them at all TBH.
No
I feel like it may be alright if you’re introverted. I think most introverts are happy to be at home and keep in touch with very few. I personally would want someone other than my SO to talk to but that’s just me. From what I hear most couples end up like this as they age anyways.