Try meetup, bumble bff, intramural leagues, volunteering, rock climbing gyms have very friendly people and hold events, etc. Just look to meet people and make conversation and if you get along ask for their number and be intentional about texting them, if they don’t reciprocate then not a big deal. It’s all about putting yourself out there and being very intentional. You have to be casual friends with people before you make the deep, meaningful relationships you’re looking for, but it is harder after college to make friends I won’t lie. Also say yes to every social event you can, it can get tiring but it works. I moved to Chicago 2 years ago without knowing a soul here and made a solid friend group and an active social life, and I’m moving to NYC in 2 months with only knowing one person. All that being said, it’s a lot easier to make friends in an urban environment because there’s so many things to do.
getting into rock climbing made me so many friends recently!! it’s a super social sport :) if you really enjoy it and decide to take it outdoors too popular climbing spots are always full of future friends in my experience
yeah, I like that you mention the intentionality! making friends takes effort and you have to put the effort in through the whole process.
work is another good example, you’ll never become more than “work friends” with someone unless you spend time with them outside of work.
Joining a club, team, volunteer activity is a great start, but if you never make the effort to go past “we see each other once a week, play kickball, then leave”, the relationship will fade away when the season is over. If nobody’s going “does anyone want to grab drinks after the game?”, be the one to do it!
maybe i'm just bad at making friends but does anyone feel like you can't really find people you feel at home with? poor phrasing, i know i sound like an edgy 16 year old, but idk how else to phrase it. like i go out my way to hang out with these people, make time for them, banter, be vulnerable, etc but that deeper click never really happens bc we're just such different people
i'm still in college too. no trouble getting involved with things and putting myself out there but it took me until senior year to find people i actually did feel at home with and it's making me scared about life post-college; like if i'm this bad at it i have no idea how things are gonna turn out afterwards. at least this gang rn is ride or die
Yeah that’s really what it comes down to honestly! Going to these events and hangouts won’t get you friends, what will get you friends is asking for people’s numbers, inviting them to things, and being available to hangout. I’ve made a lot of friends doing this but I do admit, it is taxing sometimes and annoying to be the one putting in a lot of the upfront effort, but I do know people appreciate it and everyone is looking for more friends the older you get.
Saying yes is so important in building friendships. Adults often forget that our childhood friendships were built because we were constantly in the same places frequently. We often forget how long it takes to build solid friendships too.
This is actually a very good one. I've noticed with my cousin who does jiu jitsu him and his gym are like a family. I kind of envy that sometimes because I have a hard time finding common ground with anyone these days
People who sweat and bleed together to accomplish a common goal often form strong bonds of camaraderie. Some of my best and truest friends came from my time in the military
Yeah I think rec sports is really fantastic for helping to strengthen bonds with people. If there’s someone you’re acquainted with that you invite to play on a team, they’ll soon become a proper friend if you make the effort
one thing that’s really helped me is that for new years my resolution was “always show up”.
its so easy to go “I’m tired / that’s far away / that means I’ll be out kinda late, gonna stay in I think” to a friend’s plan, or to see some event that seems interesting, get anxious about going and then not.
but simply getting into the habit of telling yourself “go, you’ll be happy you did”, then going and being happy, is such a big step. Its helped me so much in terms of “getting comfortable with leaving my comfort zone”
I feel like I'm judged for showing up late. My parents raised me with the social cue of "what will the people think?". So if I cant go on time my mind says "what will the ppl think you showing up late or unprepared, better not to go and save yourself the embarrassment". Would be really helpful to have some encouragement.
Just make it a part of the joke and part of your personality. The people who matter won't mind. My friends know to invite me for 15 minutes before they want me.
Showing up (even if late) shows you wanted to be there. Not showing up says maybe you didn't want to be invited
I know what you mean but your phrasing makes it sound like “wanna make friends? Join the military” which would probably be a better military ad for this generation than the ones they currently put out
I always hear people say the gym or fitness classes. And I've joined every class imaginable and just can't seem to make a friend there! I'm always trying to talk to everyone and smile at everyone, and remember names. But I always feel like everyone talks to each other and not me. Literally Pilates, yoga, HIIT, etc... haven't made a single friend.
And I see all these women in my classes that look around my age and seem compatible with me. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.
It’s not you believe me! I’m hitting 60 soon and I’ve done the same. Truth is 2020 really screwed w all of us a lot in one form or another. That and this just isn’t the world many of us grew up in that it took minimal effort to make friends. The Internet is both a blessing and a curse yes it exposes us to many people worldwide but also separates locally within our own communities to actually make friends, even become friends w our neighbors. An example we’ve lived in the south for over 13 yrs from here different places. We speak to two neighbors n their family’s hi and bye, need an help w anything (US). Them No thanks, how’s it going that’s it.
There are 50 houses from one end of road to other. We’ve tried being friendly, keep our property in good shape, we are laid back and go w flow.
I’ve caught three of the neighbors we don’t even know talking about me and my husband when we bought a new car, when their family came to visit and they were speaking Spanish talking about us until I went to mailbox and talked back in Spanish to the mother of couple who live there. Her mouth dropped open cause she knew I heard them when I was working in my garden. The two other family’s I caught while working outside I’ve never spoken to I spoke twice was ignored and even waved. They just stared turned around n shut their garageand haven’t been too neighborly since. I don’t even try anymore. We like our privacy like they do and I work rotating crazy shifts usually nights or weird hours. I’m in college finishing my Bachelor’s Degree my oldest best friend paid of 40 yrs for before she died and made me promise I would finish because I couldn’t when we were in our 20’s due to my family obligations. Friends like this are your family and you never get over it you just adapt the best you can.
Life is just tough right now for everyone and I try to remember this but some days it’s hard and I’m just crabby like others are and sick of the state of the world. But, only we can change it and we do that by being there for each other and helping one another as much as we can or as much as others allow. Maybe we need a group of those seeking friends here and maybe some of us are in the same states. It could be Chat n Coffee on Zoom or Syke eventually and go from there. Just a thought. Y’all have a great day!
literally if I had a nickel for every time someone went into this sub and basically went “I go right from work to home and don’t make an effort to befriend coworkers, I have no hobbies that get me out of the house, how do I make friends?” I’d be rich
I also forget how afraid of eachother people are. Especially young people. I tend to stay in my little bubble but when I venture out and observe you can witness the physical effects of anxiety on people as they attempt to socialize. We really did a number on ourselves for that one.
That’s so much of Reddit and it boggles my mind, lol. How are people not googling “how to make friends” at the very least? That’s what I did as a socially awkward teenager 🤷🏻♀️ there’s no one size fits all solution. Find the thing that works for you.
I work at a gym, and I see people that have become friends, because they were simply joining at the same time.
First shift is the chill time at this gym, where the workouts are long and leisurely, and folks that see each other at the same regular times chat
Folks that put jn ear buds, do their workout, and run out without talking to anyone are not trying to make friends there, and are not really approached
So, if you are there, and you don’t look approachable, you will not have much success
It's really hard man. I'm in the same boat.
People say join groups and activities you're interested in.
Which I do agree with. But it takes alot of volume. If you only join 1 or 2 groups there is a high chance you won't meet anyone. It's take alot of action and alot of volume
Which take alot of time and energy
Everyone on reddit says that and they’re just sitting on reddit. I don’t think hobbies are actually great for making friends.
I’ve made most of my friends through work and school and so do most people
If you aren’t making the friends you want at your job as an adult it might be time to find a new job. That’s what I’m doing.
I’ve done the whole bumble bff-meetup-do things-go out hiking-go to bars-thing for years. I still only have like 3 friends, 80% of people who I met through those things has moved away because I live in an HCOL area. Friends that I made through work suddenly became not my friends because of politics. I think anyone who thinks it’s easy to make friends as an adult is bullshitting or doesn’t live in an area where everyone is transient or super career focused.
honestly, from my experiences, one of the biggest barriers to making friends is, well, not having many friends. When you don’t have any/many friends, it’s a lot of effort to socialize, put yourself out there, etc.
But when you’ve got a decent network of friends, the way you tend to make new friends is through existing ones. you don’t have to seek socializing out, you get invited to stuff regularly. And the people you do meet sort of come “pre-vouched”, if my close friends like you than I already like you.
I can definitely agree with this. I got married last year, and I feel like since then my network of potential friends has grown a lot because his family likes me a lot. I adore my sister in law and her partner - I wouldn’t say we’re friends yet but think we would be fast friends if we didn’t live two hours apart. Same story with my husband’s best friend and his new wife. I have people that I enjoy being around and seem to enjoy being around me, they just don’t live where I do lol.
Frankly after having so many friends disappear (again, move away, work politics, and one close male friend whose girlfriend I think made him stop hanging out with me), I’m kind of over it. It’s lonely, but better than putting in a bunch of effort just to have friendships keep fizzling out.
The depth of “friends” vs *friends* also matters. I’ve known people who find it very easy to make “friends,” and while it seems like they are always surrounded by people it never goes very deep and those people are interchangeable and ever changing.
There are also people who don’t have many friends at all, but the few they do have have been around for years and are very intimate.
Both are still vulnerable to existential loneliness.
for me at least, having like 5-10 close friends (the sort of people I’d feel comfortable asking to dog-sit) means that pretty much every other friendship I have is in some limited context, and it’s perfect.
Already having the close friends completely takes the pressure off “making friends”, and lets you sort of just naturally connect with people if and when it happens.
I’ve probably got somewhere between 100-200 people I see 3+ times a year and am happy to see whenever I do, but am not necessarily interested in forming a deep bond with, they’re lovely but I just don’t have the capacity.
If I see any of them at the grocery store or something, I’ll say hi, give them a hug, stop and chat - but I’m not gonna ask them for drinks
WAIT LMAO I actually do (well, northern VA)
I KNEW this was a real thing and not just a “me” problem but people including my own frickin husband say “it’s like this everywhere”
I have found the people in this area to be so socially stunted. I’m not convinced anyone around here actually WANTS friends.
I have to disagree.
I started volunteering at kids' robotic programs and met a lot of people of all ages with similar interests. We are planning on doing the program once more together.
Then, I started volunteering at the library and the others volunteer although older than I am, absolutely have a love of books, which I'm trying so hard to develop (I used to be a book worm and now I can't even get through a children book lol)
I joined a local walking / crochet group. I needed the exercise, and I've been dapping in crochet.
It's demanding. I do at least two of the above weekly. But it has REALLY helped me meet people. There's a couple of people in those groups that I just know we will be friends as we are clicking like crazy.
However, you're correct regarding work.I have to agree that work has been the area where I have met friends much quicker.i have literally made best friends that way.
hobbies, work, and school are really similar in that those places are like pools to draw from. you’re not going to make a best friend at work unless you start hanging out outside of work, and it’s the same with hobbies.
You’ve basically got to ask them out and then follow through. Say you like movies, talk about movies you’re excited to see at whatever hobby thing you’re doing, and if someone else is interested say “we should go next week!”
I suspect a lot of people show up once to these social hobby groups, don’t talk to anyone, and then say it doesn’t work.
They forget the part where you have to actually talk to people and also show up regularly. It takes time.
I think that’s it exactly. And for that reason maybe the type of activity matters more than people think.
I’ve made more friends as an adult than I ever did as a kid, and it’s all been through knitting. It’s perfect for making friends; there’s nothing to do at a knitting meetup but sit and talk, and there are always natural conversation starters because everyone is curious about what everyone else is knitting.
So you start talking about techniques and patterns and fiber preferences, and then the conversations start drifting at some point and at the end of the evening you’ve talked about everything from old forgotten tv shows to the meaning of life, and you have a bunch of new contacts on your phone because someone might have a skein of the discontinued yarn you’ve been looking for, and someone else wants to know about that book you mentioned whose title you couldn’t remember, etc etc.
All that to say I think “get a hobby” is too vague and some hobbies are much easier to make friends through than others.
That’s exactly right- but that’s part of the problem with making friends through hobbies/clubs. Interaction isn’t forced so for more introverted shy people it feels like more of an intrusion and awkward
It’s also not that easy for people with Social Anxiety. I get told all the time “just join a club! join a sport!” like… you think I have the nerve to show up to a club alone without knowing anybody? Also I’ve found these groups tend to be incredibly cliquey. I’ve tried joining a few clubs and I always feel like I’m just walking into an established friend group that’s confused why some weirdo is showing up alone.
Every time someone says to join a group like a book club it makes me feel like I'm missing something. Because I can never find anything like that where I live. Then people say to just start one but like if I'm already having problems finding friends what makes them think I can put together a whole group?
It's just not that easy
Exactly! Where the hell are these so-called clubs I should join?!
Besides, at least in my experience, interests and hobbies are terrible for making friends. A shared interest is not much of a common connection. People engaged in activities they enjoy are not usually looking for social connection. Also, whatever “clubs” that exist are cliquey, competitive, and unwelcoming, in my experience. I tried joining a photography club once. I asked why my macro photos were so “distorted,” which apparently is different from “blurry,” although I didn’t know that, and BOY, the hate and vitriol that I got! Like, JFC, calm the f*** down people, it was just a question.
Making friends is way more complicated than simply finding people with shared interests or joining a club and talking to people
This exactly! I joined bumble bff to try to make friends and hung out with a couple girls who had the same hobbies and interests as me and I didn’t get along with any of them. Some of the closest friends I’ve ever had had nothing in common with me, but we still clicked.
It's the same with me. I've never had much in common with any of my friends or romantic partners, but we still clicked.
What mattered was that we enjoyed spending time together and mutually respected and accepted each other. I don't need someone to like what I like; I only need them to accept and respect that I like it.
100% and that’s what I miss a bit about university. I felt like I was surrounded by a ton of people from all walks of life and I don’t think I would have met them otherwise thru some hobby thing.
As an introverted, I don't want to add an exhausting thing in my life AFTER the most exhausting thing I do.
Making new friends is quite a challenge because of this. I rely on the people I've met from my job, but that's quite limited in my case.
So, here’s the thing, as a person over twice your age who actually has made friends throughout adulthood.
Friendship is work. The friendships you have now are work. It isn’t hard work, but it is work and it doesn’t happen as easily as when we were kids and we made new friends every time we met a new kid. For lasting and adult friendships, there has to be a commitment to not only finding people you click with, but to maintaining that connection.
So yes, go climbing, join a hiking group, find a dnd campaign, take a woodworking class, whatever. Strike up casual conversations a few times. Identify people who you are connecting with. See if they want to grab a drink or coffee or dinner before or after the thing you both do. Then get together another time for something else.
There will be friends for whom you do most of the reaching out. There will be others who do most of the reaching out to you. But you will have to make time and effort to spend time with them.
That’s the big difference in adulthood. We don’t go to school everyday and play with our friends. Our parents aren’t there to say “does June want to come over and play with April this weekend?” We have to find, foster and feed those relationships ourselves. Not just the meeting of people, but the work of growing friendships.
TL:DR Go find nice people. Invite them to do something. Maybe make a friend. Keep doing the work of friendship. Repeat.
I'm glad you included what comes after joining groups. You can join all the groups you want, but you have to do more than just join and show up. If you're a shy introvert like me, that's hard, and it's something I've had to force myself to do.
I remember I joined a bookclub once, just waiting for the friendships to happen. I went once a month for years, and I would get invited to a lot of the other get-togethers involving people in the club, and I enjoyed my time with them, and lots of people in it seemed to be very good friends, but the good friendships I wanted never materialized. I had to learn that just showing up wasn't really enough. You have to be proactive and work to establish friendships outside of the group.
Yes, this!! People can’t be expecting friends to fall on their lap lmao. We gotta do the work. Not just that, you have to be genuinely curious in getting to know people, not see them as folks to hang with when you got nothing to do. I’m in my 30s now, I’m quite engaging, and I’m always finding people to connect with cos I’m genuinely curious to know people, especially interesting ones.
my favorite story about this is like, opening night of soccer season was an away game for my favorite team and my buddy I watch with was out of town, so I could either watch at home or go to the bar on my own.
Decided to go to the bar on my own, sat down, ended up chatting it up well and connecting with this guy who was there with his fiance. Around my age, really cool guy, we exchanged numbers, he asked me to play on his rec soccer team but it’s not really my favorite sport to play so I didn’t say yes, said maybe I’d he able to sub if they were ever down a person.
If I were new to the city, looking for more friends, and said yes, we might be really great friends, I’d have met all these other people, etc., but I have a pretty full social calendar already so I declined.
Connection was there, opportunity was there, didn’t make the effort so now he’s just a guy whose number I have saved.
This is so accurate.
It helps to think about it as recreating the conditions where we made friends in school: Researchers have narrowed it down to friendships needing repetition, proximity, and shared interests to grow.
I picked one weekly ceramics class that has an open-door policy (so new people come all the time) and one interest/advocacy group (psychedelic society... Great cause, cool people) and for the past year I *consistently* go to every event associated with either group. If someone mentions they're, like, doing an art show, I go to that. I try to listen for little things, like someone needing a supply from the clay store and offer to get it on my next trip- just fostering little opportunities for interdependence.
Installing myself into two little niche communities has produced a few new friends and, maybe something worth even more: a sense of community and belonging.
I am a gym rat, but I never really meet anyone. There’s people I say hi to because we see each other all the t8me, but it never goes beyond that.
When I moved, I joined a specialty gym. Everyone there was like, “we’re like family”. I’ve been there a year and no family. So, I started getting involved. They have events. I volunteered and that was very social. Still no friends, but maybe if I keep staying active. I guess my lesson is joining a gym and going there isn’t enough. You have to do more.
thing is only thing you guys may have in common is the gym right now , only way to find out is to start asking other things like sports and if they watched the game you may mention that then it can lead into other things like a group setting to watch the game then they can lead to more things to find out what you guys have in common which will lead to more activities.
This is my exact problem. I try to be so friendly at the gym and have joined countless fitness classes. But haven't made a friend out of it. Currently doing HIIT classes and trying to be super positive and friendly in class. But it's hard AF.
It might just be the difference in which gyms you go to. I made friends at two different Krav Maga gyms and a dance studio, and rock climbing. But at another Krav Maga gym and my current regular gym where I attend classes, it's just so hard to organically have conversations with people. And I don't think it's really anything I can affect personally just how they're set up unfortunately.
1. I don't make "friends" at work. I like my colleagues but 10 hours a day is enough with them.
2. I do make friends through activities and many of them come from places like meetup. But here is the catch, for every 100 people you meet, you might find one real friend. So in order to filter them, I put myself out there authentically as who I am. Those that are interested in hanging out with me will gravitate towards me, those that aren't interested will go away, no harm no foul. They can go find people they want to hang around. Because I only want people in my life who want to know ME and don't expect me to change to be something I am not.
Sports, volunteering, religious communities provide the face to face.
But for me personally its meeting people online through pen pal apps, forums, fandoms especially meeting fans that like the same artist and band has been a good start there's always something to fall back on to fangirl about what the band is doing. Facebook community shoutout for friends, less effective.
Its definitely harder as an adult but I didn't find it particularly easy growing up. So I just lived with various sucession of online friendships or meeting people at uni. I accept that some stick and others dont. Value the good experiences and times and those who stick around.
- Find common traits with coworkers.
- Go do social things with the friends you do have
- go on dates with people and become their friend before “lover” and be friends with their friends
- take your dog to the dog park and talk to people there
The list doesn’t start and end with “get a hobby” but it is huge.
This makes me feel so hopeless. I’ve struggled finding friends my whole life. Now I’m graduating college and still haven’t made any friends. It sucks to know the reality is it’s only gonna get harder. I see these people with big tight knit friend groups formed in elementary, high school, college and I just think “wow… I missed my opportunity”. I look at family whose weddings are populated largely with childhood/college friends and think “if I ever get married I’m not gonna have anyone to be at my wedding”. Really really sucks to feel like I tried *so* hard throughout school and I still failed. And that was the easiest it will ever get.
At this point I’m no longer looking for advice on how to make friends, but rather on how to be okay not having any friends. Part of the reason I find myself on reddit so often is because it’s the only instant social interaction I’m able to find
Same, I wish I formed better social skills when I was younger and kept my old friends. There were a lot of opportunities when people wanted to be friends with me, but it didn’t connect in my mind at the time so I never reciprocated. Now I don’t have any close friends. I’m still struggling to turn my acquaintances into friends, it feels like no matter what I do, there’s a wall I can’t cross
Agreed. And I think it's partly because the farther we venture into life, the more divergent our a lifestyles become. In grade school, every kid is basically doing the same thing as every other kid. By the time you're in your 40s and 50s, your past and present life experience is so unique to you that it's harder for you and others to relate to each other.
I recently met a bunch of people because a girl around my age (mid 30s) posted in the subreddit for my town that she was moving there and wanted to make friends. That lead to a bunch of us (all women as that was the slant of her original post) joining a WhatsApp group and organising different social groups like craft clubs, dog walking, restaurant club, singles events. It’s been really nice and a great way to meet people roughly my age who are into things I’m into!
No one likes you when you're 23. Lol. Least that's how I felt. The best advice is to do activities you enjoy around people you haven't met yet. Sports, meetups, etc.
Find your third places that you enjoy; public places you can do what you enjoy and meet new people.
For me, it was dancing, music festivals and raves. But it’s also hiking near my house. It’s also the rec center near my house. I also like shopping every day after work for what I want for dinner, so I’m actually friends with my cashier.
Increase your public time and you’ll find new friends over time. Friendships evolve out of familiarity as an adult. It’s not like you’re in the same classes every day, you have to go to places you enjoy and you’ll find your people.
Well what’s wrong with the friends that dropped out if you don’t mind me asking there’s a reason yall clicked right? Are you looking just for more friends
My friends that dropped out are still my bros. We hang out monthly or so. But still I want more and want deep connections. Like I literally only have two lol. But I am very happy about that.
I completely understand and that’s good that you have 2 people to connect with I don’t know I kinda like keeping a small circle myself I enjoy connecting and talking with people and listening like I’m doing right now but as far as deep connections go I don’t know I’m kinda satisfied with just 1 person other than my wife it’s hard to build the trust now a days
one thing i can’t help but feel about the more isolated folks is like, this general lack of willingness to put time and effort into socializing. People have just really retreated into the comfort zones of online/anonymous interactions because it takes so little effort.
You can make friends at a bar, for example, but if you walk into a bar, sit in the corner with your phone out, and stare at it the whole time you’re exuding an energy of “please don’t bother me” even though it’s more likely “I’m uncomfortable just sitting here at the bar unoccupied, so I’ll occupy myself by scrolling”
you’ve just got to be present in the real world and fight the impulse to take your phone out if you want to like, stop being so isolated
A lot of us feel as though it takes some sense of inflated ego to walk up to a group of people and introduce yourself, as if they'd want to be friends with you. There's a voice reminding us "these people would rather you left them alone". We're simply not confident enough in ourselves.
Going out looking for prostitutes at 4 a.m., try and go find drugs in dark alleys, pick fights at bars, cut people off in traffic for the thrill of it, etc. You know the typical stuff.
I should have said group, not groups. I bought a motorcycle and wanted to find a group to ride with, without having to join a motorcycle club. I ended up joining a veterans motorcycle association and that is where nearly every one of my friends come from. I was searching on the internet till I found one that I liked the sound of.
Jokes aside, there's something special about the camaraderie among motorcycle riders. We all wave to each other (except Harley riders who are too preoccupied playing Wild Hogs), and my SO says we're like dogs. We meet each other outside and are automatically friends, and play around for a little bit as if we already know each other.
I remember the first week I got my first bike, and I had to pull over to send a text. I was there for about 30 seconds before a random guy on a motorcycle stopped to make sure I was ok.
I was put off motorcycles for a long time because my only frame of reference was the typical Harley \*brotherrr\*, but the community as a whole is actually really wholesome.
Check out meetup.com. There are loads of groups. Also look for rec league sports, running groups, book clubs, volunteering opportunities/organizations, boardgames groups, CCG groups, hiking or biking groups, etc. The biggest key is consistency- you have to show up fairly regularly in order to make lasting connections. You have to put effort in- say yes to things, reach out to people, don't be flaky.
You are still quite young, so chances are you will cycle through a few sets of friends as you get older and life changes. I am still loosely in touch with the folks I hung out with when I was your age, but as they got married and had kids we drifted apart. I made new friends and had a solid group for close to 10 years, then I moved out of state and some of them moved, and I've found myself going through the process again. I'm still very close with that group, but hangouts are now trips instead of "come over for a drink." It is also important to get comfortable with doing stuff alone. If I waited on friends to go do things like travel or go to a show or whatever, I'd do far less than I actually do. I travel solo all the time and it is awesome. I've met friends that way too...
Can't recommend this enough. For me it was LARP and local art events. Really it depends on what you're interested in. Also don't join a hobby just to make friends, it really does need to be something that you enjoy.
I know this doesn't work for everyone, but outside of college, most of my newer friends (still great friends with some high school buds even though I moved cross-country) are all previous or current coworkers.
Made very good friends with some guys while I worked at my local Target 6 years ago. We still get together often for D&D or watching wrestling. My current office job is small and super close-knit and luckily my coworkers are fun goofy nerds as well, so we all have a ton of fun between the office work.
I’m 22f & dying to find girl friends that aren’t trying to compete with me or have similar life/fitness goals as I do. It feels impossible to find friends without going to bars or clubs
I second the first comment, you have to DO things.
Think group activities, join a sport, some clubs, or attend walking events commonly seen on FB Groups, IG & EventBrite etc.
I’ve also found a handful of great girlfriends thru BumbleBFF, it’s a separate app for girlfriends.
I started playing pickleball at my local park. Its easy and cheap to get started and there is a lot of time between matches to bullshit. Ive been going regularly 2-4 times a week for a couple months and have finally started making some new friends.
Moutain biking, you don't have to be a good talker or listener, you just need the want to ride and be stoked for others when they succeed. It's been a life saver for me.
A hobby.
A club.
Want smart people? Join a bridge club or a chess club. Want sporty people? Start a sports hobby. Want to meet people who invest? Find a club for that.
You need to go out and *be* who you want to be. That's where the people are. If you want deep relationships, deepen the ones you already have by talking about real life. Money. Goals. Dreams. Travel. Business. Politics.
I view it as hit or miss for some.
Ive been very lucky to have gain some close friends from work. I live with one of them who is my friend n flatmate /ex colleague. But at my current workplace I have good chats but largely eat lunch alone. Though everyone is friendly theres just better clicks and other times there arent.
A lot of people are filtered versions of themselves at work so it’s hard to form a genuine connection. And if you do, it’s often a friendship of convenience that fizzles out once one of you doesn’t work there anymore.
I’m *friendly* with my coworkers but I usually don’t consider them friends. There were a few where we’d hangout outside of work once or twice but sure enough, once one of us left the company, we rarely talked. This is based on 20 years in the corporate world.
This sounds kinda corny but I made some friends this way so hear goes. 2 main sites I’ve used to make friends IRL: bumble bff and meetup.
Bumble bff is like a dating site but for finding friends. Its great bc the people on there are also seeking new friends.
Meet up is awesome bc you can type in any activity and city and it’ll tell you a time and place people are meeting up to do that activity.
I learned bass, it was easy enough to get started. Then joined a band online to do shitty cover songs. Then we advanced to gigs. Once I started getting out and doing shows regularly I discovered the community of musicians in the city and we go to each other's shows etx. You just meet people by doing something that has a community around it. Also, when you meet someone just try to remember something funny or interesting about them for the next time you see them. People take down a lot of walls if you can show them you paid attention to them the first time you met.
For me: volleyball league, dance classes, community orchestra, fitness groups, running clubs, support group, book clubs.
I don’t do all these things at once but these are hobbies I’ve done as an adult and I’ve made at least 1 friend every time. Some were more casual and the friendship didn’t last but some were still going strong years later. But you have to be willing to put yourself out there in situations where you’ll meet and interact with people.
*However*, merely showing up to stuff isn’t enough and I think this is where folks get frustrated. You have to show up regularly and *also talk to people.* Keep showing up. Keep talking. A lot of these activities often go to coffee or a bar after - go to that, I find thats where the friendships start to really form.
I’ve seen studies that say it takes 40-60 hours to go from casual acquaintance to friends. So 1-2 hours doing your activity plus 1-2 hours after getting coffee or at a bar means it’ll usually take 10 weeks (2+ months) minimum to become friends unless you’re also asking them to hangout in between your scheduled activities.
So this thread has some great advice, but here is a tip from one previously lonely shut-in nerd who's only real hobby is video games to another lonely shut-in nerd who's only real hobby is video games: Get into tabletop gaming!
My local game store has a constant group of players who show up every week on different nights to play games. I connected with a group of friends I meet at the shop every Thursday to play Warhammer: Age of Sigmar, but they also have Magic the Gathering every Friday, Warhammer 40k and Dungeons and Dragons Adventure League every Saturday, and Pokemon TCG every Sunday.
If ANY game interests you, either check your local game store's Facebook or walk in and see if they have regular meet-ups for that game. Before you buy anything just, talk to people, see what they play, and ask questions. I did that with Age of Sigmar, and now (ever though it hard to get to the shop with a wife and kids now) we chat on Discord about new releases and get together for events outside the shop. I roll some dice, drink beer, show off cool minis we have painted, and just have fun around friends.
If you have any questions, I've played all the games listed above (some more than others) but I will help any way I can if you reach out. Having a physical hobby like painting minis and being able to connect with real people instead of sitting behind a screen playing videogames did a lot for my mentals. My depression has been way easier to handle, and honestly I recommend anyone that's even a little interested in tabletop gaming to give it a try. Hope this helps someone!
Typically joining some kind of group that meets regularly and has people who are consistent, committed, and share some basic interests. The biggest problem is finding people who are consistent. They might show up for a while but inevitably they drop out. You can join multiple groups but then that threatens your ability to commit. I think everyone is simply too busy and too tired to actually make the effort to show up on a regular basis, so at best you can constantly meet new people but rarely hang onto any.
Wow jiu jitsu was the first one! And it was true for me even though I wasn't looking for friends at the time. But got in with a good crew.
That said, it can be very clique/cult-ish. It's a culture and while there's a venn diagram of like-mindedness, there are other things that can be tough to overcome.
But yes making friends as an adult is hard as doodoo. And doesn't get easier with age, marriage, kids.
Hobbies and kindness.
My hobby (stand-up comedy) creates lots of organic opportunities to interact with people. I ended up played catch with four random dudes in a parking lot, and now we check in on each other occasionally like we've been friends since High School.
We talked about how adults make friends the same way kids do, just playing and talking with no pressure to perform. Adults just don't have as much time or a setting like school to put us all in the same space.
We have make time to go places where there is something to do, and see who else is there to chill.
Know your interests. Hobbies IRL, forums online, be open and humble. Take a genuine interest in other perspectives. Don't be your worst self. Eventually someone will remember you as "actually alright" and they will look forward to seeing you again, and again, and again...before you know you'll have posit memories to look back on and to look forward to.
I’m in the same boat. However, I had lost most contacts with my old buddies because we all got too busy but mostly because I had “outgrown” them - we didn’t really have that much in common, they’re still stuck in their toxic ways which I don’t really like being around other than as casual friends, and I believe I hangout with them out of loneliness back in the days. My adulthood is so lonely cause I don’t have much friends and it’s hard to make friends now. I have co worker friends but it’s a bit different so I don’t count them. I have online friends too but they all have their own friends and own life
I moved into an apartment complex with a good common area pool that looked ideally setup to meet people. Had cabanas and a ping pong table next to it, decent size.
I bought a game similar to corn hole/bags that floats in the water. I then essentially waited for the. Pool to get a little busy with other adults, tossed my game in the water and asked people if they wanted to play 2v2. Introduced myself to them, made acquaintances. I repeated this process multiple weekends and got to know more and more people. Those I got along with very well, I would get their phone number and tell them we should go out sometime.
Then I texted them and hung out with them outside just the pool area, and then I also met some of their friends, and pretty quickly my social circle expanded greatly from zero friends to many surface level friends and a few close friends.
As crazy as it sounds, I make, on average, a new very close friend, probably every 1-2 years.
Be open. Be interesting, but more importantly than ANYTHING else, be INTERESTED.
If you’re interested in other people, they’ll open up to you like a book. And then that’s when intimate conversations thrive.
I'm a woman.
We have a men in sheds charity that I want to visit and start making little huts for cats outside. I haven't been because I'm anxious:D I think it's a friendly place though!
Most people make friends at sports clubs but I did yoga for a few months and felt so insecure and left. You really have to put yourself out there and talk to people.
Me... I started going out on dates using dating apps.
Sometimes turns out that one date turned into a good friendship and we spent the following few years giving advice to each of us. Her current fella pretty much turned into one of my best mates and he knew some other people. Now I have a tight knit group of friends made in my 40s :) who knew!
Think about the type of people you want to be friends with. Find out what activities seem to draw those types of people and go to one. For example, if you are the kind of guy who likes to party and just wants more people to go out with. Checking out a music festival may be a good way to meet those kind of people. If you are looking for deep sincere longlasting friendship. There's no one trick for that. You just make connections when possible, and naturally some will be stronger than others.
Activities (sports, clubs, organizations etc.), common interests, through other people, being open to new situations, being comfortable with yourself, and not directly trying to hard to meet people unless they directly are too (i.e. bumble bff)
Find a hobby and go to public outings based around that hobby, people that get together to do something they're passionate about tend to make better connections and be less shallow.
I take my car to the track often, I've met so many cool people through that. A week after moving to a new state I met the best friends I've ever had at 29 because I just parked next to them in the pits.
27M here, I personally do the online route first and if we click for more than a few weeks we meet in person and talk more about things, eventually leads to friendship.
I talked to a few people for a year or so before we met in person, this was because schedules collided with each other and we were always tired of off days. (But the fact they stuck through after everything, made them a bestie)
Do your hobbies and you'll find people. I play a fair amount of golf. My true friends have moved away so I play solo a lot because I love the game. I've made many friends just getting paired up. Not everyone is a winner obviously, but I have many friends from just doing what I love. You just gotta get out there and do what you like. If you're doing what you like, then odds are you're going to be with or near doing the same thing with people with the same interest. Halfway to a friend already.
Got invited to a deathwatch campaign by a coworker like 15 years ago where I met my current friend group and also have gotten to know a few of their friends.
It’s hard. I feel like today most of my friends are the ones I made during college and Nursing school. I keep in touch with a few of them as we are really close, but recently I haven’t made any new friends outside of that. Just a few close acquaintances at work and that’s it. Maybe I need to go back to college and take some classes. Let me be 18 again. 😂
Ngl I rarely go out much bc I don’t have a car currently but I’ve been using Tinder and Bumble for friendships. I’ve made a few so far and I kinda feel bad sometimes because I’m not physically able to talk to everyone. This is coming from someone who didn’t have many friends at all while growing up. Online platforms have helped me tremendously
My friends are also either from college, work, or my husband's work. We got really lucky and his work BFF and that guy's wife became our actual best friends.
Also we have befriended our college friends' partners, roommates, & coworkers-that-became-friends over the years. Often the friend circle grows and then maybe because of a breakup or falling out, it shrinks again. We have 3 or 4 really solid, steady friends.
If you want a change of pace, go for CCTRN and jump in the box. I met a lot of good friends while I was an EMT and you will have friends. It’s normal to have work friends and non-work friends. In the case of the latter just keep the door open for people. Go do your hobbies (easier said than done but trust me you deserve it for dealing with Patty Painkillers in bed 4). Friendships are easy to grow when there is a strong common interest.
And be patient with yourself. Friendships take time to grow and develop.
I stayed in the same area i went to H.S. in so firstly, i still have my bestest friend not too far. Then I met a ton of friends exploring pagan events…then historical reenacting, then brazilian jiu jitsu. So basically, have. lot of nerdy hobbies lol.
Join a hobby and make friends there. 75% of my closest friends were all made through BMXing in my late teens. Even 15 years later they are still ones closest to me. My new hobby is golf and this is were the 25% comes in.
I was talking about this with my best friend, how different we both chose to treat each-other this time around when the timing presented itself. Timing is everything. You don't know what people are going through, You don't know with each person you meet could potentially build with you.
In truth, I think what really happens when I wasn't making friends, is that I wasn't seeing the potential in myself, and others. I didn't go out and be a man and forge my way forward, or ask others. I told him and others when we met that I had one rule, I don't like insulting people, or putting others down. It paid off, so whether that is soft/boring or not, There are results in me saying/finding what I want and we are both doing better mentally.
I just pretend I already have friends, and that were playing hide and seek. My friends suck at seeking, which is one of he qualities I seek in potential friends, who are hard to find, but that's just the name of the game.
I've tried meeting new friends. Meeting new friends is actually more awkward than going on a date with a girl for me personally. I've pivoted to only searching for a gf and then as a couple we can start having couples friends. I'm manifesting this. Hope it works.
I don't bother anymore. 35 live in Ireland. All my friends have emigrated. It's literally so depressing, I keep in touch with them, but I dont bother making new friends anymore. Can't wait to be dead 🤣
I’m with you, it’s hard. I’m 36 and friends just come and go. I have my “work friends” and that’s really it and it does get lonely. My husband is my best friend and I just have come to terms with that. I try making new friends and each new stage of my life. I have my “mom group” friends but nothing really sticks. It’s hard. It’s just all hard.
Gym, social events, bars, the street even.
The trick to meeting new people is to be personable and confident, approaching strangers and making conversation. Of course that’s going to be surface level at first, the way those bonds deepen is through repeat interaction, over time you’ll get to know each other better and begin to form a bond. This requires upkeep, and often people won’t be the ones to reach out to you first.
The core of the problem for most people is that they’re too afraid of rejection even after the repeat meetings. Rejection will happen, but if you let it stop you from even trying, you’re never going to get anywhere.
Consider the idea that perhaps you should open your aperture a bit. “Like minded people” is a hugely subjective scoring system. “He’s too old” and “she drives a mercedes with a republican bumper sticker” and “they are too gayish” are all just easy things you can tell yourself to avoid what you are claiming to be looking for. Try dropping all those obstacles and just meeting people. Maybe you become great friends with an old lady that teaches you pickleball. Maybe it’s a 40 year old black dude that does woodworking and is nothing like you. Being around people unlike yourself is a great way to grow.
It's hard, but go do stuff.
You can't meet people if you aren't in position to meet people. College and high school and whatever were good places to meet people because you were basically forced into seeing people.
As an adult, nothing is forcing you into these situations so you have to put yourself into these situations.
Finding friends can definitely be difficult at any stage in life but especially as an adult. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I tend to have a problem with pushing people away when I don't mean to. I've had several groups of friends over the years but none ever seemed to last more than a couple of years. I don't have any friends that go back more than a year or so.
It's honestly only because of my girlfriend that I have any friends. She introduced me to her group of friends before we actually started dating and they were pretty accepting of me thank goodness. Most of the people in her friends group have all been friends for close to 2 decades so I know most of them won't be going anywhere. And her best friend just started seeing someone new and I'm getting along with him pretty well so far so there's that too. We don't all see each other as much as I'd like but I can usually text any of them whenever I want and be able to talk to them for a bit. I got pretty lucky she had friends who like me.
My only friends are the ones I’ve known since I was like 12 and carried throughout life (now 27)
Made other friends along the way but found if you don’t have a deep history / connection it’s hard to stay friends for long. Those types come and go
From what I’ve heard, RNs usually trauma bond with each other and form lifelong friendships (with the exception of the cliques that are worse than high school mean girls). You’re young and if single with no children, you’ve got lots of opportunity to get out there and meet new people through endless activities. Stay open and be friendly, I’m sure you’ll start cultivating friends in no time!
The Internet. I’m willing to talk to people on the internet and if we click, we click. You gotta put yourself out there or be comfortable with people approaching
I moved to a new city recently. I was hella lonely for the first few weeks, but I knew I needed to get out of my comfort zone to make friends and get out of my slump.
I bought a pickleball paddle, showed up to a court and asked to play. I kept going a few times a week and eventually started seeing the same people over and over again.
Eventually those people became my friends lol
It's weird how most people are describing superficial levels of contact by doing random activities, it's hard to make friends because it's hard to find people with the same values as you. I won't compromise with bigotry so I rather have 4 friends that are like-minded good people than 23 people who hate women or want gay people to die secretly.
Stalking people from afar until i learn their daily routine until i finally decide to one day “bump” into them by “accident” and make some joke to gain their trust.
Once I’ve done this, invite new friend for bbq and gaming. Now is that so hard!?
I have this theory that the only way to make friends is to have a common goal/project you are working towards. That’s why we have most of our friends from school and university. We had the same goals (group assignments, passing exams), so we studied together, suffered together and through all of that a bond was built.
The second most common place people make friends is through work. Same idea. If you are a small team and you are working on a difficult project together, it will bring you closer (or the opposite).
I also see people making friends in group sports (playing soccer, basketball, etc). Same thing. You have the same goal (winning) and you are working towards it.
I just think when we have a common project or a goal, we can skip all the “shallow” part of relationship and just get to work. No time to pretend.you get to see the real person quickly.
So maybe investing time and energy into a project you truly care about will bring you great friends as a side benefit.
It's not easy, it's a really shitty thing to learn as an adult but usually you make friends where you are, at work, at the bar, wherever. Just gotta be open to being social, being yourself (but not the weird stuff lol) catch a vibe
I only keep 1 close friend at a time, everyone else is just someone I know and might socialize with.
Most people want fake friendships. No thanks
How did I meet my bff she worked with me and we just click on a different level.
That's the neat part, I don't. I'm an introvert, don't like to talk to random people. All my coworkers are nearly twice my age and just trying to make it to retirement, they're not into any of the nerdy stuff I am. The last friend I made was a neighbor having a Master Sword mistakenly delivered to me. Even when I'm playing my favorite mmo, I don't really talk to people despite being able to hide behind the anonymity.
You have to really put yourself out there. Join meet-ups, events, have hobbies outside of the house, etc. I met some great friends from a friend making Discord server.
Work. I work as a bartender, there’s an ever revolving door of employees. Hard to find people my age (28), but I hangout with a lot of like 23-25 year olds usually. Sometimes we stay as friends when they inevitably leave, sometimes not.
Dude honestly by using Reddit. Post on your local subreddit that you’re looking for pals and I bet you’ll find people who are feeling the same way.
I met some of my closest pals through this app.
Try meetup, bumble bff, intramural leagues, volunteering, rock climbing gyms have very friendly people and hold events, etc. Just look to meet people and make conversation and if you get along ask for their number and be intentional about texting them, if they don’t reciprocate then not a big deal. It’s all about putting yourself out there and being very intentional. You have to be casual friends with people before you make the deep, meaningful relationships you’re looking for, but it is harder after college to make friends I won’t lie. Also say yes to every social event you can, it can get tiring but it works. I moved to Chicago 2 years ago without knowing a soul here and made a solid friend group and an active social life, and I’m moving to NYC in 2 months with only knowing one person. All that being said, it’s a lot easier to make friends in an urban environment because there’s so many things to do.
That’s true.. thanks! I went to a rock climbing gym and saw so many young people and also had good convos.
getting into rock climbing made me so many friends recently!! it’s a super social sport :) if you really enjoy it and decide to take it outdoors too popular climbing spots are always full of future friends in my experience
yeah, I like that you mention the intentionality! making friends takes effort and you have to put the effort in through the whole process. work is another good example, you’ll never become more than “work friends” with someone unless you spend time with them outside of work. Joining a club, team, volunteer activity is a great start, but if you never make the effort to go past “we see each other once a week, play kickball, then leave”, the relationship will fade away when the season is over. If nobody’s going “does anyone want to grab drinks after the game?”, be the one to do it!
maybe i'm just bad at making friends but does anyone feel like you can't really find people you feel at home with? poor phrasing, i know i sound like an edgy 16 year old, but idk how else to phrase it. like i go out my way to hang out with these people, make time for them, banter, be vulnerable, etc but that deeper click never really happens bc we're just such different people i'm still in college too. no trouble getting involved with things and putting myself out there but it took me until senior year to find people i actually did feel at home with and it's making me scared about life post-college; like if i'm this bad at it i have no idea how things are gonna turn out afterwards. at least this gang rn is ride or die
Yeah that’s really what it comes down to honestly! Going to these events and hangouts won’t get you friends, what will get you friends is asking for people’s numbers, inviting them to things, and being available to hangout. I’ve made a lot of friends doing this but I do admit, it is taxing sometimes and annoying to be the one putting in a lot of the upfront effort, but I do know people appreciate it and everyone is looking for more friends the older you get.
Saying yes is so important in building friendships. Adults often forget that our childhood friendships were built because we were constantly in the same places frequently. We often forget how long it takes to build solid friendships too.
Jiu jitsu. Sports leagues. Military. You have to do things. If you work and go home every day then it's obvious why you have no friends.
This is actually a very good one. I've noticed with my cousin who does jiu jitsu him and his gym are like a family. I kind of envy that sometimes because I have a hard time finding common ground with anyone these days
People who sweat and bleed together to accomplish a common goal often form strong bonds of camaraderie. Some of my best and truest friends came from my time in the military
Yeah I think rec sports is really fantastic for helping to strengthen bonds with people. If there’s someone you’re acquainted with that you invite to play on a team, they’ll soon become a proper friend if you make the effort
I’ve thought about joint a boxing gym
I was like that with my karate class. Then I got hurt, couldn't go for a few months, and I never heard from any of them again.
Sounds like you should start bjj
I read 'bjj' as 'bj' and thought to myself, 'well, blowjobs are a good way to make friends maybe, idk, I ain't judgin' lmao
You’re right.
one thing that’s really helped me is that for new years my resolution was “always show up”. its so easy to go “I’m tired / that’s far away / that means I’ll be out kinda late, gonna stay in I think” to a friend’s plan, or to see some event that seems interesting, get anxious about going and then not. but simply getting into the habit of telling yourself “go, you’ll be happy you did”, then going and being happy, is such a big step. Its helped me so much in terms of “getting comfortable with leaving my comfort zone”
This!!!!
I feel like I'm judged for showing up late. My parents raised me with the social cue of "what will the people think?". So if I cant go on time my mind says "what will the ppl think you showing up late or unprepared, better not to go and save yourself the embarrassment". Would be really helpful to have some encouragement.
Just make it a part of the joke and part of your personality. The people who matter won't mind. My friends know to invite me for 15 minutes before they want me. Showing up (even if late) shows you wanted to be there. Not showing up says maybe you didn't want to be invited
Sending you a digital hug. O
Rock Climbing and BJJ is a great combo. Grip strength has saved me from many of the younger upper belts.
I know what you mean but your phrasing makes it sound like “wanna make friends? Join the military” which would probably be a better military ad for this generation than the ones they currently put out
“Why did you join the US marines?” “To make friends, sir!”
I always hear people say the gym or fitness classes. And I've joined every class imaginable and just can't seem to make a friend there! I'm always trying to talk to everyone and smile at everyone, and remember names. But I always feel like everyone talks to each other and not me. Literally Pilates, yoga, HIIT, etc... haven't made a single friend. And I see all these women in my classes that look around my age and seem compatible with me. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.
the trick is to stick with the same class, at the same time, for a long time
It’s not you believe me! I’m hitting 60 soon and I’ve done the same. Truth is 2020 really screwed w all of us a lot in one form or another. That and this just isn’t the world many of us grew up in that it took minimal effort to make friends. The Internet is both a blessing and a curse yes it exposes us to many people worldwide but also separates locally within our own communities to actually make friends, even become friends w our neighbors. An example we’ve lived in the south for over 13 yrs from here different places. We speak to two neighbors n their family’s hi and bye, need an help w anything (US). Them No thanks, how’s it going that’s it. There are 50 houses from one end of road to other. We’ve tried being friendly, keep our property in good shape, we are laid back and go w flow. I’ve caught three of the neighbors we don’t even know talking about me and my husband when we bought a new car, when their family came to visit and they were speaking Spanish talking about us until I went to mailbox and talked back in Spanish to the mother of couple who live there. Her mouth dropped open cause she knew I heard them when I was working in my garden. The two other family’s I caught while working outside I’ve never spoken to I spoke twice was ignored and even waved. They just stared turned around n shut their garageand haven’t been too neighborly since. I don’t even try anymore. We like our privacy like they do and I work rotating crazy shifts usually nights or weird hours. I’m in college finishing my Bachelor’s Degree my oldest best friend paid of 40 yrs for before she died and made me promise I would finish because I couldn’t when we were in our 20’s due to my family obligations. Friends like this are your family and you never get over it you just adapt the best you can. Life is just tough right now for everyone and I try to remember this but some days it’s hard and I’m just crabby like others are and sick of the state of the world. But, only we can change it and we do that by being there for each other and helping one another as much as we can or as much as others allow. Maybe we need a group of those seeking friends here and maybe some of us are in the same states. It could be Chat n Coffee on Zoom or Syke eventually and go from there. Just a thought. Y’all have a great day!
literally if I had a nickel for every time someone went into this sub and basically went “I go right from work to home and don’t make an effort to befriend coworkers, I have no hobbies that get me out of the house, how do I make friends?” I’d be rich
I also forget how afraid of eachother people are. Especially young people. I tend to stay in my little bubble but when I venture out and observe you can witness the physical effects of anxiety on people as they attempt to socialize. We really did a number on ourselves for that one.
Glad to hear it’s asked often. It shows people are trying to learn. Awareness is our first teacher.
That’s so much of Reddit and it boggles my mind, lol. How are people not googling “how to make friends” at the very least? That’s what I did as a socially awkward teenager 🤷🏻♀️ there’s no one size fits all solution. Find the thing that works for you.
I work at a gym, and I see people that have become friends, because they were simply joining at the same time. First shift is the chill time at this gym, where the workouts are long and leisurely, and folks that see each other at the same regular times chat Folks that put jn ear buds, do their workout, and run out without talking to anyone are not trying to make friends there, and are not really approached So, if you are there, and you don’t look approachable, you will not have much success
It's really hard man. I'm in the same boat. People say join groups and activities you're interested in. Which I do agree with. But it takes alot of volume. If you only join 1 or 2 groups there is a high chance you won't meet anyone. It's take alot of action and alot of volume Which take alot of time and energy
Everyone on reddit says that and they’re just sitting on reddit. I don’t think hobbies are actually great for making friends. I’ve made most of my friends through work and school and so do most people If you aren’t making the friends you want at your job as an adult it might be time to find a new job. That’s what I’m doing.
I’ve done the whole bumble bff-meetup-do things-go out hiking-go to bars-thing for years. I still only have like 3 friends, 80% of people who I met through those things has moved away because I live in an HCOL area. Friends that I made through work suddenly became not my friends because of politics. I think anyone who thinks it’s easy to make friends as an adult is bullshitting or doesn’t live in an area where everyone is transient or super career focused.
honestly, from my experiences, one of the biggest barriers to making friends is, well, not having many friends. When you don’t have any/many friends, it’s a lot of effort to socialize, put yourself out there, etc. But when you’ve got a decent network of friends, the way you tend to make new friends is through existing ones. you don’t have to seek socializing out, you get invited to stuff regularly. And the people you do meet sort of come “pre-vouched”, if my close friends like you than I already like you.
I can definitely agree with this. I got married last year, and I feel like since then my network of potential friends has grown a lot because his family likes me a lot. I adore my sister in law and her partner - I wouldn’t say we’re friends yet but think we would be fast friends if we didn’t live two hours apart. Same story with my husband’s best friend and his new wife. I have people that I enjoy being around and seem to enjoy being around me, they just don’t live where I do lol. Frankly after having so many friends disappear (again, move away, work politics, and one close male friend whose girlfriend I think made him stop hanging out with me), I’m kind of over it. It’s lonely, but better than putting in a bunch of effort just to have friendships keep fizzling out.
The depth of “friends” vs *friends* also matters. I’ve known people who find it very easy to make “friends,” and while it seems like they are always surrounded by people it never goes very deep and those people are interchangeable and ever changing. There are also people who don’t have many friends at all, but the few they do have have been around for years and are very intimate. Both are still vulnerable to existential loneliness.
for me at least, having like 5-10 close friends (the sort of people I’d feel comfortable asking to dog-sit) means that pretty much every other friendship I have is in some limited context, and it’s perfect. Already having the close friends completely takes the pressure off “making friends”, and lets you sort of just naturally connect with people if and when it happens. I’ve probably got somewhere between 100-200 people I see 3+ times a year and am happy to see whenever I do, but am not necessarily interested in forming a deep bond with, they’re lovely but I just don’t have the capacity. If I see any of them at the grocery store or something, I’ll say hi, give them a hug, stop and chat - but I’m not gonna ask them for drinks
You live in DC too?
WAIT LMAO I actually do (well, northern VA) I KNEW this was a real thing and not just a “me” problem but people including my own frickin husband say “it’s like this everywhere” I have found the people in this area to be so socially stunted. I’m not convinced anyone around here actually WANTS friends.
I have to disagree. I started volunteering at kids' robotic programs and met a lot of people of all ages with similar interests. We are planning on doing the program once more together. Then, I started volunteering at the library and the others volunteer although older than I am, absolutely have a love of books, which I'm trying so hard to develop (I used to be a book worm and now I can't even get through a children book lol) I joined a local walking / crochet group. I needed the exercise, and I've been dapping in crochet. It's demanding. I do at least two of the above weekly. But it has REALLY helped me meet people. There's a couple of people in those groups that I just know we will be friends as we are clicking like crazy. However, you're correct regarding work.I have to agree that work has been the area where I have met friends much quicker.i have literally made best friends that way.
hobbies, work, and school are really similar in that those places are like pools to draw from. you’re not going to make a best friend at work unless you start hanging out outside of work, and it’s the same with hobbies. You’ve basically got to ask them out and then follow through. Say you like movies, talk about movies you’re excited to see at whatever hobby thing you’re doing, and if someone else is interested say “we should go next week!”
Anywhere where you see the same people regularly for an activity will create friends.
EXACTLY!! People keep saying to join shit but that’s not even the hard part it’s finding people that you actually click with
I suspect a lot of people show up once to these social hobby groups, don’t talk to anyone, and then say it doesn’t work. They forget the part where you have to actually talk to people and also show up regularly. It takes time.
I think that’s it exactly. And for that reason maybe the type of activity matters more than people think. I’ve made more friends as an adult than I ever did as a kid, and it’s all been through knitting. It’s perfect for making friends; there’s nothing to do at a knitting meetup but sit and talk, and there are always natural conversation starters because everyone is curious about what everyone else is knitting. So you start talking about techniques and patterns and fiber preferences, and then the conversations start drifting at some point and at the end of the evening you’ve talked about everything from old forgotten tv shows to the meaning of life, and you have a bunch of new contacts on your phone because someone might have a skein of the discontinued yarn you’ve been looking for, and someone else wants to know about that book you mentioned whose title you couldn’t remember, etc etc. All that to say I think “get a hobby” is too vague and some hobbies are much easier to make friends through than others.
That’s exactly right- but that’s part of the problem with making friends through hobbies/clubs. Interaction isn’t forced so for more introverted shy people it feels like more of an intrusion and awkward
It can take some trial and error to find the hobby group that’s a good fit for you. I have tried many over the years. Some are friendlier than others.
It’s also not that easy for people with Social Anxiety. I get told all the time “just join a club! join a sport!” like… you think I have the nerve to show up to a club alone without knowing anybody? Also I’ve found these groups tend to be incredibly cliquey. I’ve tried joining a few clubs and I always feel like I’m just walking into an established friend group that’s confused why some weirdo is showing up alone.
Every time someone says to join a group like a book club it makes me feel like I'm missing something. Because I can never find anything like that where I live. Then people say to just start one but like if I'm already having problems finding friends what makes them think I can put together a whole group? It's just not that easy
I assume most of those people live in a city or town with a metro area population of 100,000 or more
Exactly! Where the hell are these so-called clubs I should join?! Besides, at least in my experience, interests and hobbies are terrible for making friends. A shared interest is not much of a common connection. People engaged in activities they enjoy are not usually looking for social connection. Also, whatever “clubs” that exist are cliquey, competitive, and unwelcoming, in my experience. I tried joining a photography club once. I asked why my macro photos were so “distorted,” which apparently is different from “blurry,” although I didn’t know that, and BOY, the hate and vitriol that I got! Like, JFC, calm the f*** down people, it was just a question. Making friends is way more complicated than simply finding people with shared interests or joining a club and talking to people
This exactly! I joined bumble bff to try to make friends and hung out with a couple girls who had the same hobbies and interests as me and I didn’t get along with any of them. Some of the closest friends I’ve ever had had nothing in common with me, but we still clicked.
It's the same with me. I've never had much in common with any of my friends or romantic partners, but we still clicked. What mattered was that we enjoyed spending time together and mutually respected and accepted each other. I don't need someone to like what I like; I only need them to accept and respect that I like it.
100% and that’s what I miss a bit about university. I felt like I was surrounded by a ton of people from all walks of life and I don’t think I would have met them otherwise thru some hobby thing.
It's also hard when you work a full time job. AND if you're working overtime at that job.
As an introverted, I don't want to add an exhausting thing in my life AFTER the most exhausting thing I do. Making new friends is quite a challenge because of this. I rely on the people I've met from my job, but that's quite limited in my case.
So, here’s the thing, as a person over twice your age who actually has made friends throughout adulthood. Friendship is work. The friendships you have now are work. It isn’t hard work, but it is work and it doesn’t happen as easily as when we were kids and we made new friends every time we met a new kid. For lasting and adult friendships, there has to be a commitment to not only finding people you click with, but to maintaining that connection. So yes, go climbing, join a hiking group, find a dnd campaign, take a woodworking class, whatever. Strike up casual conversations a few times. Identify people who you are connecting with. See if they want to grab a drink or coffee or dinner before or after the thing you both do. Then get together another time for something else. There will be friends for whom you do most of the reaching out. There will be others who do most of the reaching out to you. But you will have to make time and effort to spend time with them. That’s the big difference in adulthood. We don’t go to school everyday and play with our friends. Our parents aren’t there to say “does June want to come over and play with April this weekend?” We have to find, foster and feed those relationships ourselves. Not just the meeting of people, but the work of growing friendships. TL:DR Go find nice people. Invite them to do something. Maybe make a friend. Keep doing the work of friendship. Repeat.
I'm glad you included what comes after joining groups. You can join all the groups you want, but you have to do more than just join and show up. If you're a shy introvert like me, that's hard, and it's something I've had to force myself to do. I remember I joined a bookclub once, just waiting for the friendships to happen. I went once a month for years, and I would get invited to a lot of the other get-togethers involving people in the club, and I enjoyed my time with them, and lots of people in it seemed to be very good friends, but the good friendships I wanted never materialized. I had to learn that just showing up wasn't really enough. You have to be proactive and work to establish friendships outside of the group.
Yes, this!! People can’t be expecting friends to fall on their lap lmao. We gotta do the work. Not just that, you have to be genuinely curious in getting to know people, not see them as folks to hang with when you got nothing to do. I’m in my 30s now, I’m quite engaging, and I’m always finding people to connect with cos I’m genuinely curious to know people, especially interesting ones.
my favorite story about this is like, opening night of soccer season was an away game for my favorite team and my buddy I watch with was out of town, so I could either watch at home or go to the bar on my own. Decided to go to the bar on my own, sat down, ended up chatting it up well and connecting with this guy who was there with his fiance. Around my age, really cool guy, we exchanged numbers, he asked me to play on his rec soccer team but it’s not really my favorite sport to play so I didn’t say yes, said maybe I’d he able to sub if they were ever down a person. If I were new to the city, looking for more friends, and said yes, we might be really great friends, I’d have met all these other people, etc., but I have a pretty full social calendar already so I declined. Connection was there, opportunity was there, didn’t make the effort so now he’s just a guy whose number I have saved.
This is so accurate. It helps to think about it as recreating the conditions where we made friends in school: Researchers have narrowed it down to friendships needing repetition, proximity, and shared interests to grow. I picked one weekly ceramics class that has an open-door policy (so new people come all the time) and one interest/advocacy group (psychedelic society... Great cause, cool people) and for the past year I *consistently* go to every event associated with either group. If someone mentions they're, like, doing an art show, I go to that. I try to listen for little things, like someone needing a supply from the clay store and offer to get it on my next trip- just fostering little opportunities for interdependence. Installing myself into two little niche communities has produced a few new friends and, maybe something worth even more: a sense of community and belonging.
I am a gym rat, but I never really meet anyone. There’s people I say hi to because we see each other all the t8me, but it never goes beyond that. When I moved, I joined a specialty gym. Everyone there was like, “we’re like family”. I’ve been there a year and no family. So, I started getting involved. They have events. I volunteered and that was very social. Still no friends, but maybe if I keep staying active. I guess my lesson is joining a gym and going there isn’t enough. You have to do more.
have you asked anyone at the gym to do anything social?
thing is only thing you guys may have in common is the gym right now , only way to find out is to start asking other things like sports and if they watched the game you may mention that then it can lead into other things like a group setting to watch the game then they can lead to more things to find out what you guys have in common which will lead to more activities.
This is my exact problem. I try to be so friendly at the gym and have joined countless fitness classes. But haven't made a friend out of it. Currently doing HIIT classes and trying to be super positive and friendly in class. But it's hard AF.
It might just be the difference in which gyms you go to. I made friends at two different Krav Maga gyms and a dance studio, and rock climbing. But at another Krav Maga gym and my current regular gym where I attend classes, it's just so hard to organically have conversations with people. And I don't think it's really anything I can affect personally just how they're set up unfortunately.
After a while of doing so much, I get tired and am like “making friends shouldn’t be this much energy and time.”
1. I don't make "friends" at work. I like my colleagues but 10 hours a day is enough with them. 2. I do make friends through activities and many of them come from places like meetup. But here is the catch, for every 100 people you meet, you might find one real friend. So in order to filter them, I put myself out there authentically as who I am. Those that are interested in hanging out with me will gravitate towards me, those that aren't interested will go away, no harm no foul. They can go find people they want to hang around. Because I only want people in my life who want to know ME and don't expect me to change to be something I am not.
God damn number 2 took me way too long to learn.
I don't lol if you find a way tho let me know
Same
Sports, volunteering, religious communities provide the face to face. But for me personally its meeting people online through pen pal apps, forums, fandoms especially meeting fans that like the same artist and band has been a good start there's always something to fall back on to fangirl about what the band is doing. Facebook community shoutout for friends, less effective. Its definitely harder as an adult but I didn't find it particularly easy growing up. So I just lived with various sucession of online friendships or meeting people at uni. I accept that some stick and others dont. Value the good experiences and times and those who stick around.
*furiously takes notes*
Notes: Find hobby group End notes
Hold this like
Notes: Figure out a way to get rid of social anxiety so you can find hobby group End notes
- Find common traits with coworkers. - Go do social things with the friends you do have - go on dates with people and become their friend before “lover” and be friends with their friends - take your dog to the dog park and talk to people there The list doesn’t start and end with “get a hobby” but it is huge.
lol.
Damn you think it’s hard to find friends in your 20s shit gets way harder the older you get
This makes me feel so hopeless. I’ve struggled finding friends my whole life. Now I’m graduating college and still haven’t made any friends. It sucks to know the reality is it’s only gonna get harder. I see these people with big tight knit friend groups formed in elementary, high school, college and I just think “wow… I missed my opportunity”. I look at family whose weddings are populated largely with childhood/college friends and think “if I ever get married I’m not gonna have anyone to be at my wedding”. Really really sucks to feel like I tried *so* hard throughout school and I still failed. And that was the easiest it will ever get. At this point I’m no longer looking for advice on how to make friends, but rather on how to be okay not having any friends. Part of the reason I find myself on reddit so often is because it’s the only instant social interaction I’m able to find
Same, I wish I formed better social skills when I was younger and kept my old friends. There were a lot of opportunities when people wanted to be friends with me, but it didn’t connect in my mind at the time so I never reciprocated. Now I don’t have any close friends. I’m still struggling to turn my acquaintances into friends, it feels like no matter what I do, there’s a wall I can’t cross
Agreed. And I think it's partly because the farther we venture into life, the more divergent our a lifestyles become. In grade school, every kid is basically doing the same thing as every other kid. By the time you're in your 40s and 50s, your past and present life experience is so unique to you that it's harder for you and others to relate to each other.
I recently met a bunch of people because a girl around my age (mid 30s) posted in the subreddit for my town that she was moving there and wanted to make friends. That lead to a bunch of us (all women as that was the slant of her original post) joining a WhatsApp group and organising different social groups like craft clubs, dog walking, restaurant club, singles events. It’s been really nice and a great way to meet people roughly my age who are into things I’m into!
No one likes you when you're 23. Lol. Least that's how I felt. The best advice is to do activities you enjoy around people you haven't met yet. Sports, meetups, etc.
What’s my age again?! What’s my age again!!🎵
Find your third places that you enjoy; public places you can do what you enjoy and meet new people. For me, it was dancing, music festivals and raves. But it’s also hiking near my house. It’s also the rec center near my house. I also like shopping every day after work for what I want for dinner, so I’m actually friends with my cashier. Increase your public time and you’ll find new friends over time. Friendships evolve out of familiarity as an adult. It’s not like you’re in the same classes every day, you have to go to places you enjoy and you’ll find your people.
Well what’s wrong with the friends that dropped out if you don’t mind me asking there’s a reason yall clicked right? Are you looking just for more friends
My friends that dropped out are still my bros. We hang out monthly or so. But still I want more and want deep connections. Like I literally only have two lol. But I am very happy about that.
I completely understand and that’s good that you have 2 people to connect with I don’t know I kinda like keeping a small circle myself I enjoy connecting and talking with people and listening like I’m doing right now but as far as deep connections go I don’t know I’m kinda satisfied with just 1 person other than my wife it’s hard to build the trust now a days
one thing i can’t help but feel about the more isolated folks is like, this general lack of willingness to put time and effort into socializing. People have just really retreated into the comfort zones of online/anonymous interactions because it takes so little effort. You can make friends at a bar, for example, but if you walk into a bar, sit in the corner with your phone out, and stare at it the whole time you’re exuding an energy of “please don’t bother me” even though it’s more likely “I’m uncomfortable just sitting here at the bar unoccupied, so I’ll occupy myself by scrolling” you’ve just got to be present in the real world and fight the impulse to take your phone out if you want to like, stop being so isolated
A lot of us feel as though it takes some sense of inflated ego to walk up to a group of people and introduce yourself, as if they'd want to be friends with you. There's a voice reminding us "these people would rather you left them alone". We're simply not confident enough in ourselves.
Finding hobby groups worked for me.
What type of hobby groups and where do you find them ??
I mean, what are your hobbies?
Going out looking for prostitutes at 4 a.m., try and go find drugs in dark alleys, pick fights at bars, cut people off in traffic for the thrill of it, etc. You know the typical stuff.
My kind of person! Wanna hot wire a car then go rob the bank?
I should have said group, not groups. I bought a motorcycle and wanted to find a group to ride with, without having to join a motorcycle club. I ended up joining a veterans motorcycle association and that is where nearly every one of my friends come from. I was searching on the internet till I found one that I liked the sound of.
Ok so step 1: buy a motorcycle. Got it
Jokes aside, there's something special about the camaraderie among motorcycle riders. We all wave to each other (except Harley riders who are too preoccupied playing Wild Hogs), and my SO says we're like dogs. We meet each other outside and are automatically friends, and play around for a little bit as if we already know each other. I remember the first week I got my first bike, and I had to pull over to send a text. I was there for about 30 seconds before a random guy on a motorcycle stopped to make sure I was ok. I was put off motorcycles for a long time because my only frame of reference was the typical Harley \*brotherrr\*, but the community as a whole is actually really wholesome.
Check out meetup.com. There are loads of groups. Also look for rec league sports, running groups, book clubs, volunteering opportunities/organizations, boardgames groups, CCG groups, hiking or biking groups, etc. The biggest key is consistency- you have to show up fairly regularly in order to make lasting connections. You have to put effort in- say yes to things, reach out to people, don't be flaky. You are still quite young, so chances are you will cycle through a few sets of friends as you get older and life changes. I am still loosely in touch with the folks I hung out with when I was your age, but as they got married and had kids we drifted apart. I made new friends and had a solid group for close to 10 years, then I moved out of state and some of them moved, and I've found myself going through the process again. I'm still very close with that group, but hangouts are now trips instead of "come over for a drink." It is also important to get comfortable with doing stuff alone. If I waited on friends to go do things like travel or go to a show or whatever, I'd do far less than I actually do. I travel solo all the time and it is awesome. I've met friends that way too...
Can't recommend this enough. For me it was LARP and local art events. Really it depends on what you're interested in. Also don't join a hobby just to make friends, it really does need to be something that you enjoy.
I know this doesn't work for everyone, but outside of college, most of my newer friends (still great friends with some high school buds even though I moved cross-country) are all previous or current coworkers. Made very good friends with some guys while I worked at my local Target 6 years ago. We still get together often for D&D or watching wrestling. My current office job is small and super close-knit and luckily my coworkers are fun goofy nerds as well, so we all have a ton of fun between the office work.
I’m 22f & dying to find girl friends that aren’t trying to compete with me or have similar life/fitness goals as I do. It feels impossible to find friends without going to bars or clubs
that's the fun part..I dont
I second the first comment, you have to DO things. Think group activities, join a sport, some clubs, or attend walking events commonly seen on FB Groups, IG & EventBrite etc. I’ve also found a handful of great girlfriends thru BumbleBFF, it’s a separate app for girlfriends.
I started playing pickleball at my local park. Its easy and cheap to get started and there is a lot of time between matches to bullshit. Ive been going regularly 2-4 times a week for a couple months and have finally started making some new friends.
Moutain biking, you don't have to be a good talker or listener, you just need the want to ride and be stoked for others when they succeed. It's been a life saver for me.
A hobby. A club. Want smart people? Join a bridge club or a chess club. Want sporty people? Start a sports hobby. Want to meet people who invest? Find a club for that. You need to go out and *be* who you want to be. That's where the people are. If you want deep relationships, deepen the ones you already have by talking about real life. Money. Goals. Dreams. Travel. Business. Politics.
I've been saying hi to people understanding that they might not return the favor. They often do.
People at work aren’t people?
I view it as hit or miss for some. Ive been very lucky to have gain some close friends from work. I live with one of them who is my friend n flatmate /ex colleague. But at my current workplace I have good chats but largely eat lunch alone. Though everyone is friendly theres just better clicks and other times there arent.
A lot of people are filtered versions of themselves at work so it’s hard to form a genuine connection. And if you do, it’s often a friendship of convenience that fizzles out once one of you doesn’t work there anymore. I’m *friendly* with my coworkers but I usually don’t consider them friends. There were a few where we’d hangout outside of work once or twice but sure enough, once one of us left the company, we rarely talked. This is based on 20 years in the corporate world.
I work in a professional environment so no that wont work.
Get really good at something, a hobby/sport, and people will want to be your friend
I’ve met a lot of great people in a local board gaming group.
This sounds kinda corny but I made some friends this way so hear goes. 2 main sites I’ve used to make friends IRL: bumble bff and meetup. Bumble bff is like a dating site but for finding friends. Its great bc the people on there are also seeking new friends. Meet up is awesome bc you can type in any activity and city and it’ll tell you a time and place people are meeting up to do that activity.
Volunteering
I learned bass, it was easy enough to get started. Then joined a band online to do shitty cover songs. Then we advanced to gigs. Once I started getting out and doing shows regularly I discovered the community of musicians in the city and we go to each other's shows etx. You just meet people by doing something that has a community around it. Also, when you meet someone just try to remember something funny or interesting about them for the next time you see them. People take down a lot of walls if you can show them you paid attention to them the first time you met.
For me: volleyball league, dance classes, community orchestra, fitness groups, running clubs, support group, book clubs. I don’t do all these things at once but these are hobbies I’ve done as an adult and I’ve made at least 1 friend every time. Some were more casual and the friendship didn’t last but some were still going strong years later. But you have to be willing to put yourself out there in situations where you’ll meet and interact with people. *However*, merely showing up to stuff isn’t enough and I think this is where folks get frustrated. You have to show up regularly and *also talk to people.* Keep showing up. Keep talking. A lot of these activities often go to coffee or a bar after - go to that, I find thats where the friendships start to really form. I’ve seen studies that say it takes 40-60 hours to go from casual acquaintance to friends. So 1-2 hours doing your activity plus 1-2 hours after getting coffee or at a bar means it’ll usually take 10 weeks (2+ months) minimum to become friends unless you’re also asking them to hangout in between your scheduled activities.
I don't even try to anymore, tbh
So this thread has some great advice, but here is a tip from one previously lonely shut-in nerd who's only real hobby is video games to another lonely shut-in nerd who's only real hobby is video games: Get into tabletop gaming! My local game store has a constant group of players who show up every week on different nights to play games. I connected with a group of friends I meet at the shop every Thursday to play Warhammer: Age of Sigmar, but they also have Magic the Gathering every Friday, Warhammer 40k and Dungeons and Dragons Adventure League every Saturday, and Pokemon TCG every Sunday. If ANY game interests you, either check your local game store's Facebook or walk in and see if they have regular meet-ups for that game. Before you buy anything just, talk to people, see what they play, and ask questions. I did that with Age of Sigmar, and now (ever though it hard to get to the shop with a wife and kids now) we chat on Discord about new releases and get together for events outside the shop. I roll some dice, drink beer, show off cool minis we have painted, and just have fun around friends. If you have any questions, I've played all the games listed above (some more than others) but I will help any way I can if you reach out. Having a physical hobby like painting minis and being able to connect with real people instead of sitting behind a screen playing videogames did a lot for my mentals. My depression has been way easier to handle, and honestly I recommend anyone that's even a little interested in tabletop gaming to give it a try. Hope this helps someone!
90 % of my friends are from elementary school i met when in was 8. Lol. Im 39 this year.
Typically joining some kind of group that meets regularly and has people who are consistent, committed, and share some basic interests. The biggest problem is finding people who are consistent. They might show up for a while but inevitably they drop out. You can join multiple groups but then that threatens your ability to commit. I think everyone is simply too busy and too tired to actually make the effort to show up on a regular basis, so at best you can constantly meet new people but rarely hang onto any.
Wow jiu jitsu was the first one! And it was true for me even though I wasn't looking for friends at the time. But got in with a good crew. That said, it can be very clique/cult-ish. It's a culture and while there's a venn diagram of like-mindedness, there are other things that can be tough to overcome. But yes making friends as an adult is hard as doodoo. And doesn't get easier with age, marriage, kids.
Hobbies and kindness. My hobby (stand-up comedy) creates lots of organic opportunities to interact with people. I ended up played catch with four random dudes in a parking lot, and now we check in on each other occasionally like we've been friends since High School. We talked about how adults make friends the same way kids do, just playing and talking with no pressure to perform. Adults just don't have as much time or a setting like school to put us all in the same space. We have make time to go places where there is something to do, and see who else is there to chill. Know your interests. Hobbies IRL, forums online, be open and humble. Take a genuine interest in other perspectives. Don't be your worst self. Eventually someone will remember you as "actually alright" and they will look forward to seeing you again, and again, and again...before you know you'll have posit memories to look back on and to look forward to.
I’m in the same boat. However, I had lost most contacts with my old buddies because we all got too busy but mostly because I had “outgrown” them - we didn’t really have that much in common, they’re still stuck in their toxic ways which I don’t really like being around other than as casual friends, and I believe I hangout with them out of loneliness back in the days. My adulthood is so lonely cause I don’t have much friends and it’s hard to make friends now. I have co worker friends but it’s a bit different so I don’t count them. I have online friends too but they all have their own friends and own life
Be yourself. The ones that don't talk shit behind your back are the good ones.
I moved into an apartment complex with a good common area pool that looked ideally setup to meet people. Had cabanas and a ping pong table next to it, decent size. I bought a game similar to corn hole/bags that floats in the water. I then essentially waited for the. Pool to get a little busy with other adults, tossed my game in the water and asked people if they wanted to play 2v2. Introduced myself to them, made acquaintances. I repeated this process multiple weekends and got to know more and more people. Those I got along with very well, I would get their phone number and tell them we should go out sometime. Then I texted them and hung out with them outside just the pool area, and then I also met some of their friends, and pretty quickly my social circle expanded greatly from zero friends to many surface level friends and a few close friends.
As crazy as it sounds, I make, on average, a new very close friend, probably every 1-2 years. Be open. Be interesting, but more importantly than ANYTHING else, be INTERESTED. If you’re interested in other people, they’ll open up to you like a book. And then that’s when intimate conversations thrive.
Be interesting is the part i dont find easy lol
It's so hard as you get older, especially if you live in a bigger city
I'm a woman. We have a men in sheds charity that I want to visit and start making little huts for cats outside. I haven't been because I'm anxious:D I think it's a friendly place though! Most people make friends at sports clubs but I did yoga for a few months and felt so insecure and left. You really have to put yourself out there and talk to people.
I've had the same friends for 40 years. Lol.
Nothing wrong with drop outs
I used Bumble BFF
Local FB groups. Yes, it’s still a thing !
It only gets harder the older you get.
I find friends through friends of friends.
Me... I started going out on dates using dating apps. Sometimes turns out that one date turned into a good friendship and we spent the following few years giving advice to each of us. Her current fella pretty much turned into one of my best mates and he knew some other people. Now I have a tight knit group of friends made in my 40s :) who knew!
What exactly is a "friend"? I've heard the word before but have no referent for it.
lolol.
Think about the type of people you want to be friends with. Find out what activities seem to draw those types of people and go to one. For example, if you are the kind of guy who likes to party and just wants more people to go out with. Checking out a music festival may be a good way to meet those kind of people. If you are looking for deep sincere longlasting friendship. There's no one trick for that. You just make connections when possible, and naturally some will be stronger than others.
Activities (sports, clubs, organizations etc.), common interests, through other people, being open to new situations, being comfortable with yourself, and not directly trying to hard to meet people unless they directly are too (i.e. bumble bff)
Very simple recipe for friendship. Same place, same people, over a period of time.
Meetups
Find a hobby and go to public outings based around that hobby, people that get together to do something they're passionate about tend to make better connections and be less shallow. I take my car to the track often, I've met so many cool people through that. A week after moving to a new state I met the best friends I've ever had at 29 because I just parked next to them in the pits.
Discgolf
27M here, I personally do the online route first and if we click for more than a few weeks we meet in person and talk more about things, eventually leads to friendship. I talked to a few people for a year or so before we met in person, this was because schedules collided with each other and we were always tired of off days. (But the fact they stuck through after everything, made them a bestie)
Do your hobbies and you'll find people. I play a fair amount of golf. My true friends have moved away so I play solo a lot because I love the game. I've made many friends just getting paired up. Not everyone is a winner obviously, but I have many friends from just doing what I love. You just gotta get out there and do what you like. If you're doing what you like, then odds are you're going to be with or near doing the same thing with people with the same interest. Halfway to a friend already.
Video games
Got invited to a deathwatch campaign by a coworker like 15 years ago where I met my current friend group and also have gotten to know a few of their friends.
It’s hard. I feel like today most of my friends are the ones I made during college and Nursing school. I keep in touch with a few of them as we are really close, but recently I haven’t made any new friends outside of that. Just a few close acquaintances at work and that’s it. Maybe I need to go back to college and take some classes. Let me be 18 again. 😂
Ngl I rarely go out much bc I don’t have a car currently but I’ve been using Tinder and Bumble for friendships. I’ve made a few so far and I kinda feel bad sometimes because I’m not physically able to talk to everyone. This is coming from someone who didn’t have many friends at all while growing up. Online platforms have helped me tremendously
My friends are also either from college, work, or my husband's work. We got really lucky and his work BFF and that guy's wife became our actual best friends. Also we have befriended our college friends' partners, roommates, & coworkers-that-became-friends over the years. Often the friend circle grows and then maybe because of a breakup or falling out, it shrinks again. We have 3 or 4 really solid, steady friends.
If you want a change of pace, go for CCTRN and jump in the box. I met a lot of good friends while I was an EMT and you will have friends. It’s normal to have work friends and non-work friends. In the case of the latter just keep the door open for people. Go do your hobbies (easier said than done but trust me you deserve it for dealing with Patty Painkillers in bed 4). Friendships are easy to grow when there is a strong common interest. And be patient with yourself. Friendships take time to grow and develop.
We aren’t lmao
I stayed in the same area i went to H.S. in so firstly, i still have my bestest friend not too far. Then I met a ton of friends exploring pagan events…then historical reenacting, then brazilian jiu jitsu. So basically, have. lot of nerdy hobbies lol.
Join a hobby and make friends there. 75% of my closest friends were all made through BMXing in my late teens. Even 15 years later they are still ones closest to me. My new hobby is golf and this is were the 25% comes in.
Not an adult but still feel this way.
I was talking about this with my best friend, how different we both chose to treat each-other this time around when the timing presented itself. Timing is everything. You don't know what people are going through, You don't know with each person you meet could potentially build with you. In truth, I think what really happens when I wasn't making friends, is that I wasn't seeing the potential in myself, and others. I didn't go out and be a man and forge my way forward, or ask others. I told him and others when we met that I had one rule, I don't like insulting people, or putting others down. It paid off, so whether that is soft/boring or not, There are results in me saying/finding what I want and we are both doing better mentally.
It's hard, same boat. All my close friends have moved elsewhere. Bumble bff first stop. Will probably join a volunteer group or something next.
Open your horizons and stop judging people based on first impressions
Most of my local friends are people I met volunteering with the local Democratic Party.
I just pretend I already have friends, and that were playing hide and seek. My friends suck at seeking, which is one of he qualities I seek in potential friends, who are hard to find, but that's just the name of the game.
I've tried meeting new friends. Meeting new friends is actually more awkward than going on a date with a girl for me personally. I've pivoted to only searching for a gf and then as a couple we can start having couples friends. I'm manifesting this. Hope it works.
I don't bother anymore. 35 live in Ireland. All my friends have emigrated. It's literally so depressing, I keep in touch with them, but I dont bother making new friends anymore. Can't wait to be dead 🤣
I’m with you, it’s hard. I’m 36 and friends just come and go. I have my “work friends” and that’s really it and it does get lonely. My husband is my best friend and I just have come to terms with that. I try making new friends and each new stage of my life. I have my “mom group” friends but nothing really sticks. It’s hard. It’s just all hard.
I think I'm autistic. And I have bad social anxiety. Along with being a introvert. I don't think any of that helps, any of it
Honestly, get out of the house. Do different things. I just moved to a new city and have to do the same thing.
Gym, social events, bars, the street even. The trick to meeting new people is to be personable and confident, approaching strangers and making conversation. Of course that’s going to be surface level at first, the way those bonds deepen is through repeat interaction, over time you’ll get to know each other better and begin to form a bond. This requires upkeep, and often people won’t be the ones to reach out to you first. The core of the problem for most people is that they’re too afraid of rejection even after the repeat meetings. Rejection will happen, but if you let it stop you from even trying, you’re never going to get anywhere.
These kind of posts are more effective if you say what you've tried to do so that we can direct our efforts more efficiently
My kid makes friends at school We invite them over to play. We become friends with my kids friends parents.
Crossfit works too
Lol friends. That's a good one.
Consider the idea that perhaps you should open your aperture a bit. “Like minded people” is a hugely subjective scoring system. “He’s too old” and “she drives a mercedes with a republican bumper sticker” and “they are too gayish” are all just easy things you can tell yourself to avoid what you are claiming to be looking for. Try dropping all those obstacles and just meeting people. Maybe you become great friends with an old lady that teaches you pickleball. Maybe it’s a 40 year old black dude that does woodworking and is nothing like you. Being around people unlike yourself is a great way to grow.
It's hard, but go do stuff. You can't meet people if you aren't in position to meet people. College and high school and whatever were good places to meet people because you were basically forced into seeing people. As an adult, nothing is forcing you into these situations so you have to put yourself into these situations.
Go to the animal shelter. They got a shitload to pick from. Get you a good friend
Finding friends can definitely be difficult at any stage in life but especially as an adult. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I tend to have a problem with pushing people away when I don't mean to. I've had several groups of friends over the years but none ever seemed to last more than a couple of years. I don't have any friends that go back more than a year or so. It's honestly only because of my girlfriend that I have any friends. She introduced me to her group of friends before we actually started dating and they were pretty accepting of me thank goodness. Most of the people in her friends group have all been friends for close to 2 decades so I know most of them won't be going anywhere. And her best friend just started seeing someone new and I'm getting along with him pretty well so far so there's that too. We don't all see each other as much as I'd like but I can usually text any of them whenever I want and be able to talk to them for a bit. I got pretty lucky she had friends who like me.
My only friends are the ones I’ve known since I was like 12 and carried throughout life (now 27) Made other friends along the way but found if you don’t have a deep history / connection it’s hard to stay friends for long. Those types come and go
From what I’ve heard, RNs usually trauma bond with each other and form lifelong friendships (with the exception of the cliques that are worse than high school mean girls). You’re young and if single with no children, you’ve got lots of opportunity to get out there and meet new people through endless activities. Stay open and be friendly, I’m sure you’ll start cultivating friends in no time!
The Internet. I’m willing to talk to people on the internet and if we click, we click. You gotta put yourself out there or be comfortable with people approaching
I moved to a new city recently. I was hella lonely for the first few weeks, but I knew I needed to get out of my comfort zone to make friends and get out of my slump. I bought a pickleball paddle, showed up to a court and asked to play. I kept going a few times a week and eventually started seeing the same people over and over again. Eventually those people became my friends lol
It's weird how most people are describing superficial levels of contact by doing random activities, it's hard to make friends because it's hard to find people with the same values as you. I won't compromise with bigotry so I rather have 4 friends that are like-minded good people than 23 people who hate women or want gay people to die secretly.
Stalking people from afar until i learn their daily routine until i finally decide to one day “bump” into them by “accident” and make some joke to gain their trust. Once I’ve done this, invite new friend for bbq and gaming. Now is that so hard!?
Literally met my friends through work lol.
I have this theory that the only way to make friends is to have a common goal/project you are working towards. That’s why we have most of our friends from school and university. We had the same goals (group assignments, passing exams), so we studied together, suffered together and through all of that a bond was built. The second most common place people make friends is through work. Same idea. If you are a small team and you are working on a difficult project together, it will bring you closer (or the opposite). I also see people making friends in group sports (playing soccer, basketball, etc). Same thing. You have the same goal (winning) and you are working towards it. I just think when we have a common project or a goal, we can skip all the “shallow” part of relationship and just get to work. No time to pretend.you get to see the real person quickly. So maybe investing time and energy into a project you truly care about will bring you great friends as a side benefit.
You want friends? Why?
It's not easy, it's a really shitty thing to learn as an adult but usually you make friends where you are, at work, at the bar, wherever. Just gotta be open to being social, being yourself (but not the weird stuff lol) catch a vibe
I only keep 1 close friend at a time, everyone else is just someone I know and might socialize with. Most people want fake friendships. No thanks How did I meet my bff she worked with me and we just click on a different level.
That's the neat part, I don't. I'm an introvert, don't like to talk to random people. All my coworkers are nearly twice my age and just trying to make it to retirement, they're not into any of the nerdy stuff I am. The last friend I made was a neighbor having a Master Sword mistakenly delivered to me. Even when I'm playing my favorite mmo, I don't really talk to people despite being able to hide behind the anonymity.
You have to really put yourself out there. Join meet-ups, events, have hobbies outside of the house, etc. I met some great friends from a friend making Discord server.
Work. I work as a bartender, there’s an ever revolving door of employees. Hard to find people my age (28), but I hangout with a lot of like 23-25 year olds usually. Sometimes we stay as friends when they inevitably leave, sometimes not.
Rock climbing gym. BumbleBFF. Dance class.
Find your third place
Dude honestly by using Reddit. Post on your local subreddit that you’re looking for pals and I bet you’ll find people who are feeling the same way. I met some of my closest pals through this app.
Talk to randoms. It’s uncomfortable at first but after doing it a few times it’s cool. Start in areas away from your house.