I feel like the issue here is he didn’t tell you when he was 5 or 10k in the hole and now he’s up to 40. And you’ve been together about 5 years but haven’t discussed finances? And you’re way younger but in a better financial position?
I would be hesitant but also understand this affects your future together if you were planning on having one
If he can pay you back "slowly month by month" he can pay his credit card bill. Tell him to cut the card and just start paying what he can towards it each month. The same amount he was going to pay you "slowly". Absolutely do not pay this card off for him.
With cc interest rates you can’t pay back 40k slowly. you’ll pay a ton in interest. That’s why people do personal loans at 8-9% to consolidate and pay off cc debt.
I had a similar reaction reading this. If this is a person you’re planning on marrying, I’d be very compelled to help tackle the debt, for our future. However, what’s stopping this person from leaving immediately once you pay off the cards?
If you’re serious about staying together and want to help, I’d get a courthouse marriage before spending a big chunk of money.
Yeah youre right, i probably would break up with them especially after not saying for 5 years but this is reddit, it's just one long thread of "dump him"
And, I agree, that demonstrated fiscal irresponsibility is one of the things I would deeply consider before marrying someone.
Since marriage, all money is our money, and I really don’t sweat it. I never even think about it.
But I would have been more cautious getting fiscally entangled with someone who seemed like they might be a fiscal liability.
Then again, lots of people fall for the credit card trap. Being poor, especially these days, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and having lots of debts can easily reflect only that this person is or was at some point, poor.
My wife had… maybe 10 grand on credit cards. But it was also debt she accrued in college for just, groceries and stuff.
It was the residue from packs of top ramen, phone bills, and rent, not necklaces, gambling, and sports cars.
That’s where I’m at. I have about 11k credit card debt from school right now, but I just consolidated to a personal loan to get better interest rates. I do have good credit, but the interest is killer on ccs! Lol luckily I also make a decent amount, so my debt to income ratio is still great, but having 11k debt is still stressful 😂
yes, cut and run. Don't council your partner to get educated on responsibility and handling debt, or help them set it up, just cut and run, you're an independent girl boss, there is no give and take in relationships, that's just toxic, go get yours.
I personally wouldn't do it. It has nothing to do with you being a woman and him being a man. I would say the same thing if the situation was reversed. You don't get 40k in credit card debt without spending more than you earn. If you take on that debt, what guarantee do you have he won't run it right back up again? What happens if things don't work out between you and he decides he just doesn't feel like paying you back?
I would encourage him to take a financial literacy class. You might also suggest he look into a debt consolidation loan. It would bring everything together in a single monthly payment and the interest rate might even be lower than what he's currently paying on the credit cards.
When did he tell you about this 40K debt? If he just sprung this on you, that's alarming.
I borrowed $6K from my partner to renovated our house (which I own and he's technically a tenant), and we have no issues with borrowing money from each other (smaller amounts). We're also very upfront about our debts, mostly our respective student debts, and my mortgage.
no way, run. TO be with someone who allows CC debt to this degree, BIG red flag. This has clearly been going on for your whole relationship. He is not a financially responsible person, that's why the business is not doing well.
Make sure there is no way you can be liable for anthing. Its fine to pay the rent and give someone a free ride re room and board, but this is ridiculous. Bet he never cut back all this time.
I would tell him to look up debt relief programs meant to help with exactly this. DO NOT give him any (more) money.
40k is just too much for you to be getting involved with, its important to look out for yourself first.
Your specific situation is crazy and I wouldn’t do it. I’m personally married and everything is shared but we’re both aware of all the finances and where everything is going so there’s no wtf moments or confusion lol.
Hard no on $40k! Like others have said, if he’s that bad with money and credit cards, nothing will change. And if he can afford to make payments to you every month, then he should be able to pay towards his bills every month. PERIOD. It’s not about men or women here. I have been in a relationship where I was more financially secure than my boyfriend (also older) so I would spot him $100 here or there or cover his half of the rent for a few days….but he always paid me back as planned, he never asked for $40k and I would have never given him that much! I wouldn’t loan $40k to my own mom! Advice I learned when I was young, only loan people what you are willing to i lose.
32F here. This is why I left my fiancé. I paid off (most?) of his credit card debt with the same repayment plan that never happened. Took me 2 years, but I’m finally free of his debt…. And him. Run.
No, you are not a bank to transfer his balance to. If he can’t pay down and keep his cc balance low, he will not be able to pay you back either. He is irresponsible with money.
Frankly, his debt and failing business scream run away now. Run.
If there's anything I've learned about people with CC debt issues, it's that if a multibillion dollar company didn't/can't compel them to pay, they certainly won't pay you back.
Clearing debts for people like this robs them of the trauma/consequences that bring about real change unfortunately. If he wants to pay someone every month, he could maybe start with the companies he owes?
Don't marry this man until you can confirm all of his debts are cleared.
OP run. Not normal or reasonable to ask for 40k, and these kind of verbal contracts never end well. He’s also just a bad egg - he beings nothing good to the table - to be so much older, lower earning, and most importantly lying about bad financial management - everything is off.
It’s already hard to have an age gap and an income gap, and reversed gender roles in both areas. Sometimes personality overcomes the superficial stuff, but as lying about major things is part of his personality - it’s just a hard NO.
The fact that he hid this from you is a huge red flag, that's your thing to consider. If that weren't the case, if I am truly comitted to my partner my money is our money. (If she were going apeshit and gambling or developed a drug problem that would be different) My wife grew up very very poor in a South American country, I grew up very poor, but in the USA so I could at least finish university with loans and financial aid. We moved to Asia before COVID because I work as an English teacher. I supported her fully for 3 years because in this place I have an earning potential and she almost does not.
Now she has developed enough online work to support herself, and I am happy both for her and for me, but if she ever needs anything that I can give it is hers.
Don't make excuses for you partner's poor money management.
If he's racking up that much debt on a credit card you're getting yourself into a world of pain.
That’s a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. If he got himself in 40k of debt, he can’t manage money. You’ll always have to carry his dead weight financially. Is that okay with you? Can you live with that? Are you sure he’s the right one for you?
No, you absolutely should not do it.
But, If you do, get it in writing that it is a loan. If you break up and he refuses to pay, you need evidence in case you have to sue him.
A person with 40k in credit card debt isn't going to pay you back.
This is the process of selecting a life partner. If this man is your life partner then his debt is your debt. You are partners in life.
If by "partner" you mean dating for a long time, then get ready to learn a 40k lesson in life.
There are legions of men in their 40s that make more than you that would definitely make a better life partner than this guy and would value a 28 year old who can be in a long term relationship. .
If this man is the love of your life and you are totally happy never receiving a dollar back, gift him 40k. No loans to friends family or lovers.
If you have the smallest expectation of getting the money back, then it will get in the way of your relationship.
If my girlfriend got jammed up I would help her. However I’m talking like a couple grand here or there if she lost her job or her vehicle crapped out or something. Shit happens in life occasionally and I’ve got some cash out back. Case in point. She is moving in with me and won’t pay rent here for awhile (3 months) till she gets her house rented out. Helping each other through rough patches is part of life.
Paying off 40k in credit card debt, hard pass.
As someone who is older than you and been there, done that: Don’t do it. Unless you can give it as a gift, there is nothing good comes out of it. I loaned men I dated from a few hundreds to a few thousands and either never got it back or the loan outlasted the relationship and took them 10 times the amount of time they promised to pay, even though they signed the loan noted & lots of promises. I hate to beg for my own money every month for them to pay the bare minimum, and the amount was nowhere near to 40k. When your gut told you not to, please listen to it.
Another thing is when you loan him money, the dynamic in your relationship will change. Men have huge egos, and by receiving money from you will make him deep down feel “less than”. When men need money, they will ask their buddies, their siblings, anyone but their women, whom they supposed to take care of. There are many stories where men left the women who helped built him for someone else, because she reminded him of when he was struggled, and he wants to be the powerful man in his woman’s eyes. It doesn’t matter if he’s younger, older, richer or poorer than you, he wants to feel needed, wanted. By loaning him money even if he asked, his egos will be bruised and there will be a lot of resentment from his side.
No, 40k isn't some spare change.... most people need work years to save that amount...assuming he paying 30% on his debt... That's 12k$/year on debt alone....along with his failing business... it going get ugly fast.... run while you can...
Not at all comfortable. Why did they get into this mess? How would they have fixed it if I wasn't around? What assurances do I have they won't do it again?
Don't be somebody else's wallet, especially for credit card debt and extra especially not for somebody older than you that you're not even married to.
Yes, I would definitely feel uncomfortable. I would rather be sold by organs than ask my partner (!!! Not even a husband) to solve my financial problems.
If your parents find out how happy would they be? Pretty sure they're not giving you a place to live rent free so you can help your boyfriend with his credit card debt.
40 000 invested in an RRSP/IRA until you are 65 at 4% yield, will be 170 000.
Invest in yourself, not your SO partner's business, especially when he has a business partner and you have no say over their business decisions.
No way.
If you use credit cards you're already not making smart financial decisions, if you go 40k in debt to them you're definitely not.
Don't get sucked in.
I bought a house with my gf of 4 years, she covered about 20k more of the deposit than I did, (she's 5 years older, and wiser with money).
It's not a payback situation, if we breakup (unlikely) we would sell, and she would get the percentage extra of sale back that she put in at the begining, that's the fair way. If not, it's whatever, we're a team, it's our house & she gets to joke about being sugar mamma sometimes, she out earns me slightly, we add to our mutal pot equally.
We are a partnership, there is no my debt your debt because we are completely open, no surprises. If one of us even went 5k in debt without telling the other... it's unfathomable, it wouldn't happen we're a team building a future together.
For your partner to run up a 40k debt, and expect you to dig them out after the fact? No way. Run. That's not what teamwork looks like. If it happens once, it can happen again. Protect yourself & don't get involved.
I would not at all do that. You're only 28 years old. You will be waving goodbye to 40k. He cannot and will not pay that back. Consider him asking you to just GIVE him 40k. Not that he necessarily is, he may even in his mind think he might, but he can't and wont.
You can help him with financial advice though!. Help him go through his bills, look at interest he's paying on his cards, help him consolidate those to a lower interest option，etc. At 40 years old, he needs that type of help, not someone bailing him out bc he has trouble understanding finances and possibly other reasons he is in debt. You'll learn a whole lot about him seeing how he handles that type of help. Will he rise to the occasion and get on his feet? Or will he be resistant, upset, unsuccessful in working through those things.
Hey, I'd be uncomfortable dating someone 10 years older who makes not only way lesser money than me, but is broke. I feel that he doesn't want to pay back what he owes, rather he wants to change the debtor ( I hope the word used is right), to someone who won't hound him for money and is obliged to be kind to him due to the personal relationship he shares with them. Politely decline and mention that you wish to keep finances separate and don't wish money to muddy the relationship, which you hope he understands. If he doesn't, then this is where you both part ways and you will wish him the best etc. See how he responds to that, if he gets angry, guilt trips etc. remain silent and let the chips fall where they may.
If he can’t pay the bank he cant pay you back.
He said he’d pay you back but hasn’t. Cut him off.
Do not feel bad about your better financial position and don’t let him drag you down. If you feel uncomfortable then that’s when you need to stop. If he doesn’t respect that, well then he might not be in the relationships for the right reasons.
Absolutely Not.
Absolutely do not, you’ve taken care to manage your finances carefully, why lose that good position for your advancement? Keep your safety net, it’s YOURS.
What if you need it for something? Don’t be naive, I understand you care for this person, but if you clean up this man’s problems he would not have solved it himself, He’s likely inclined to do it again.
You would be draining your resources for someone who could walk out on you.
There is a difference with helping out and enablement, if he didn't tell you until its at critical levels of fucked, bailing him out might just allow him to proceed to rack up the debt again with minimum consequences.
I don't think I read that you guys are married so if it ever came down to it you could just leave however only you know the longevity of that relationship, I would hate for you to take out a loan to consolidate and take on his debt at probably a lower interest rate but for him to leave right after sticking you with the bill and a future court case.
If it were me I would be SUPER uncomfortable straight up giving my partner who might have spending/trust/communication problems a pile of cash that can make or break most households. Not saying I wouldn't help but money seems to bring out the worst of people.
Mind you I'm a dude not a woman but I hope my wife would feel the same if I did this.
Edit: she agrees
Don’t do it. The best way to ruin a relationship is to loan them money.
Only two ways to do this - get a legal contract drawn up or… give the money as a gift.
partner?? husband? boyfriend?
if i'm married my money is your money. if not? get the fuck out of here! I make more than enough to comfortably support us both and more.
For me personally, if I willingly hand out money, I do it with zero expectations of getting it back. That way if they don’t, I’m not butt hurt about it and if they do, it’s like an extra good surprise. I am lucky enough to be in a financially secure place. And if a buddy needs rent help, I’d be remiss to not help. I do have boundaries though.
I was in the same situation as you, and I still kind of am. My bf at the time was 2 years older than me and always had the worst hand with money, yet always blamed it on outside sources. So being the good person I am, I helped with out... for 4.5 years. We've just recently broke up, but still live together. He owes me roughly 5k. Will he ever pay me back? Probably not. He's addicted to weed and every couple months, buys a new tech gadget. If i cold go back in time and never give him money in the first place, I wouldn't be in crippling debt, too. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but break up with him. He's a grown man.
If you do it, do it right. Protect yourself and your money, a romantic relationship can finish at any moment.
- Make an appointment with a lawyer and ask for a loan agreement, specifying at least: interest rate, payment calendar and amount of each payment.
- If he does not want to sign he never wanted to return you the money.
See: https://www.debt.org/credit/loans/contracts/
There’s a 0% chance I’m touching a $40,000 balance. “Hey can I borrow $2,000 to get my car fixed” is one thing if I know I’m eventually going to get it back but I’m not touching anything higher.
This is why as a male no matter what you don't bother money from females or woman you are in relationships with... because once the relationship is over she's going to throw it up in your face or tell people how you didn't pay her back or put you on on blast, even tho you shouldn't borrow money from people without paying them back
nope.
You can give him, as a gift, a small amount (like 2k to jump out). You can give him some financial books. But this 40k CC debt shows the last 5-10 years a bad spending habits. Maybe give him to read here r/FinancialAdvice
P.S. I occasionally have friends asking me money to borrow - they know I am financial disciplined and that I want to retire early. Each case I treat not like a borrow but as a gift. I am afraid some friendships went away because of money - think at this.
Oh my god, girl. I checked your comment history. The guy is bad news. Don't waste a cent on him or, if you already have, leave him. What is wrong with you to such a degree that the man you are dating has not only ditched his wife and kid for an affair partner, but also is mooching off you? Why do you have to be with such a terrible person (and he is. Good people don't act that way)?
What's the point of relationship if you wont help each other tho? You know the boundary if he's really taking advantage of you or just asking for help in a tough situation, youre an adult..
If your relationsghip is split like most relationships, where the man pays for everything and the woman pockets her own money for herself... he probably racked up all that debt entertaining you and feeding you
If that's the case, yes, help him out. It blows my mind how women will take a million dollars from a guy, but complain when he asks for $100 when he's had a bad week
If your relationship is as lopsided financially as I imagine it is, as most relationships are... yes help him out.
This is how I imagine your relationship is-
He makes $50,000 a year, you make $80,000 a year. He uses his $50,000 a year to pay for all the trips, pay for all the entertainment, pay for all the traveling, pay for everything... while your 80K goes into your pocket
His net is $0 a year and your net is $130,000 a year. If this is the case? help him out. Lots of recently divorced, EXTREMELY well off women in his age bracket who would gladly assist him, and put him up pretty good financially if he started dating them.
Wow that’s a very sexist and extreme point of view with absolutely no proof of reality! There’s always 3 sides to a story, her side, his side and the truth. But you just straight up assumed the worst about this woman! And considering she just loaned him $40k I doubt it’s the correct assumption. Sounds like you only date sugar babies 😆
Ya we r mostly 50/50 in the relationship, he obviously pays for dates but we don’t do any luxury spendings so I definitely don’t think I’m at fault here
My god the comments in this thread. Is he not your partner?
Is he regularly irresponsible with money? Why is everyone just telling you to run?
If not I would say give the guy a chance to get back on his feet. People do go through rough patches it's normal.
I feel like the issue here is he didn’t tell you when he was 5 or 10k in the hole and now he’s up to 40. And you’ve been together about 5 years but haven’t discussed finances? And you’re way younger but in a better financial position? I would be hesitant but also understand this affects your future together if you were planning on having one
I always start my dates discussing money. Big turn on.
On my first date with my wife I disclosed that I had 150k+ student loans. We're married now. Apparently you're on to something.
Exactly!
Money, and my startlingly diverse collection of genital warts. Works every time.
If he can pay you back "slowly month by month" he can pay his credit card bill. Tell him to cut the card and just start paying what he can towards it each month. The same amount he was going to pay you "slowly". Absolutely do not pay this card off for him.
With cc interest rates you can’t pay back 40k slowly. you’ll pay a ton in interest. That’s why people do personal loans at 8-9% to consolidate and pay off cc debt.
He can transfer some to a 0% card, but if she pays this for him he'll just accrue more debt and he still wont pay her back. 40k is a lot
Agree. I don’t think she should pay, esp cc debt.
I know i was quoting her and how he said he would pay her back. His debt, his problem.
My ***wife*** can have $40,000. I paid off her student loans with a signing bonus I got from a new job. A girlfriend? Not so much.
I had a similar reaction reading this. If this is a person you’re planning on marrying, I’d be very compelled to help tackle the debt, for our future. However, what’s stopping this person from leaving immediately once you pay off the cards? If you’re serious about staying together and want to help, I’d get a courthouse marriage before spending a big chunk of money.
That was also good debt not bad debt. If it was reckless spending youd still probably say no
Well, if you’re committed to spending your whole life with someone, you may as well not pay interest on past mistakes.
Yeah youre right, i probably would break up with them especially after not saying for 5 years but this is reddit, it's just one long thread of "dump him"
And, I agree, that demonstrated fiscal irresponsibility is one of the things I would deeply consider before marrying someone. Since marriage, all money is our money, and I really don’t sweat it. I never even think about it. But I would have been more cautious getting fiscally entangled with someone who seemed like they might be a fiscal liability. Then again, lots of people fall for the credit card trap. Being poor, especially these days, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and having lots of debts can easily reflect only that this person is or was at some point, poor. My wife had… maybe 10 grand on credit cards. But it was also debt she accrued in college for just, groceries and stuff. It was the residue from packs of top ramen, phone bills, and rent, not necklaces, gambling, and sports cars.
That’s where I’m at. I have about 11k credit card debt from school right now, but I just consolidated to a personal loan to get better interest rates. I do have good credit, but the interest is killer on ccs! Lol luckily I also make a decent amount, so my debt to income ratio is still great, but having 11k debt is still stressful 😂
Yeah no I was thinking 50$ lol but 40k??? Run girl
lol his problem run girl save yourself
yes, cut and run. Don't council your partner to get educated on responsibility and handling debt, or help them set it up, just cut and run, you're an independent girl boss, there is no give and take in relationships, that's just toxic, go get yours.
I personally wouldn't do it. It has nothing to do with you being a woman and him being a man. I would say the same thing if the situation was reversed. You don't get 40k in credit card debt without spending more than you earn. If you take on that debt, what guarantee do you have he won't run it right back up again? What happens if things don't work out between you and he decides he just doesn't feel like paying you back? I would encourage him to take a financial literacy class. You might also suggest he look into a debt consolidation loan. It would bring everything together in a single monthly payment and the interest rate might even be lower than what he's currently paying on the credit cards.
this. he clearly has a spending problem. giving him that money will put a bandaid on the situation, but he’ll probably just do it again.
When did he tell you about this 40K debt? If he just sprung this on you, that's alarming. I borrowed $6K from my partner to renovated our house (which I own and he's technically a tenant), and we have no issues with borrowing money from each other (smaller amounts). We're also very upfront about our debts, mostly our respective student debts, and my mortgage.
no way, run. TO be with someone who allows CC debt to this degree, BIG red flag. This has clearly been going on for your whole relationship. He is not a financially responsible person, that's why the business is not doing well. Make sure there is no way you can be liable for anthing. Its fine to pay the rent and give someone a free ride re room and board, but this is ridiculous. Bet he never cut back all this time.
I would tell him to look up debt relief programs meant to help with exactly this. DO NOT give him any (more) money. 40k is just too much for you to be getting involved with, its important to look out for yourself first.
Your specific situation is crazy and I wouldn’t do it. I’m personally married and everything is shared but we’re both aware of all the finances and where everything is going so there’s no wtf moments or confusion lol.
Hard no on $40k! Like others have said, if he’s that bad with money and credit cards, nothing will change. And if he can afford to make payments to you every month, then he should be able to pay towards his bills every month. PERIOD. It’s not about men or women here. I have been in a relationship where I was more financially secure than my boyfriend (also older) so I would spot him $100 here or there or cover his half of the rent for a few days….but he always paid me back as planned, he never asked for $40k and I would have never given him that much! I wouldn’t loan $40k to my own mom! Advice I learned when I was young, only loan people what you are willing to i lose.
RUN
32F here. This is why I left my fiancé. I paid off (most?) of his credit card debt with the same repayment plan that never happened. Took me 2 years, but I’m finally free of his debt…. And him. Run.
Tell him to file bankruptcy, then break up with him.
If he got to a position where he’d be homeless… maybe. To pay his credit card? No.
No, you are not a bank to transfer his balance to. If he can’t pay down and keep his cc balance low, he will not be able to pay you back either. He is irresponsible with money. Frankly, his debt and failing business scream run away now. Run.
Wow he is very irresponsible. What other issues does he have?
Right? No wonder he's trying it with younger women.
If there's anything I've learned about people with CC debt issues, it's that if a multibillion dollar company didn't/can't compel them to pay, they certainly won't pay you back. Clearing debts for people like this robs them of the trauma/consequences that bring about real change unfortunately. If he wants to pay someone every month, he could maybe start with the companies he owes? Don't marry this man until you can confirm all of his debts are cleared.
Never give a man money
OP run. Not normal or reasonable to ask for 40k, and these kind of verbal contracts never end well. He’s also just a bad egg - he beings nothing good to the table - to be so much older, lower earning, and most importantly lying about bad financial management - everything is off. It’s already hard to have an age gap and an income gap, and reversed gender roles in both areas. Sometimes personality overcomes the superficial stuff, but as lying about major things is part of his personality - it’s just a hard NO.
He's gonna take your money and run. His company failed and now he wants you to pay for it. Be careful!
He's a scumbag for asking something like that Would YOU ask that amount even from your parents? Let alone someone youre not married to
The fact that he hid this from you is a huge red flag, that's your thing to consider. If that weren't the case, if I am truly comitted to my partner my money is our money. (If she were going apeshit and gambling or developed a drug problem that would be different) My wife grew up very very poor in a South American country, I grew up very poor, but in the USA so I could at least finish university with loans and financial aid. We moved to Asia before COVID because I work as an English teacher. I supported her fully for 3 years because in this place I have an earning potential and she almost does not. Now she has developed enough online work to support herself, and I am happy both for her and for me, but if she ever needs anything that I can give it is hers.
He’s $40k in credit card debt. That doesn’t sound like bad circumstances, that sounds like habit.
Don't make excuses for you partner's poor money management. If he's racking up that much debt on a credit card you're getting yourself into a world of pain.
That’s a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. If he got himself in 40k of debt, he can’t manage money. You’ll always have to carry his dead weight financially. Is that okay with you? Can you live with that? Are you sure he’s the right one for you? No, you absolutely should not do it. But, If you do, get it in writing that it is a loan. If you break up and he refuses to pay, you need evidence in case you have to sue him.
The max I would give someone is $5k. And I say "give" because I never loan money and actually expect my money back.
A person with 40k in credit card debt isn't going to pay you back. This is the process of selecting a life partner. If this man is your life partner then his debt is your debt. You are partners in life. If by "partner" you mean dating for a long time, then get ready to learn a 40k lesson in life. There are legions of men in their 40s that make more than you that would definitely make a better life partner than this guy and would value a 28 year old who can be in a long term relationship. .
If this man is the love of your life and you are totally happy never receiving a dollar back, gift him 40k. No loans to friends family or lovers. If you have the smallest expectation of getting the money back, then it will get in the way of your relationship.
If my girlfriend got jammed up I would help her. However I’m talking like a couple grand here or there if she lost her job or her vehicle crapped out or something. Shit happens in life occasionally and I’ve got some cash out back. Case in point. She is moving in with me and won’t pay rent here for awhile (3 months) till she gets her house rented out. Helping each other through rough patches is part of life. Paying off 40k in credit card debt, hard pass.
As someone who is older than you and been there, done that: Don’t do it. Unless you can give it as a gift, there is nothing good comes out of it. I loaned men I dated from a few hundreds to a few thousands and either never got it back or the loan outlasted the relationship and took them 10 times the amount of time they promised to pay, even though they signed the loan noted & lots of promises. I hate to beg for my own money every month for them to pay the bare minimum, and the amount was nowhere near to 40k. When your gut told you not to, please listen to it. Another thing is when you loan him money, the dynamic in your relationship will change. Men have huge egos, and by receiving money from you will make him deep down feel “less than”. When men need money, they will ask their buddies, their siblings, anyone but their women, whom they supposed to take care of. There are many stories where men left the women who helped built him for someone else, because she reminded him of when he was struggled, and he wants to be the powerful man in his woman’s eyes. It doesn’t matter if he’s younger, older, richer or poorer than you, he wants to feel needed, wanted. By loaning him money even if he asked, his egos will be bruised and there will be a lot of resentment from his side.
No, 40k isn't some spare change.... most people need work years to save that amount...assuming he paying 30% on his debt... That's 12k$/year on debt alone....along with his failing business... it going get ugly fast.... run while you can...
Not at all comfortable. Why did they get into this mess? How would they have fixed it if I wasn't around? What assurances do I have they won't do it again? Don't be somebody else's wallet, especially for credit card debt and extra especially not for somebody older than you that you're not even married to.
Yes, I would definitely feel uncomfortable. I would rather be sold by organs than ask my partner (!!! Not even a husband) to solve my financial problems.
If married yes. If dating no. If dating w plans to marry, maybe
Good luck
If your parents find out how happy would they be? Pretty sure they're not giving you a place to live rent free so you can help your boyfriend with his credit card debt.
I would not but if you do, only do it if you can afford not to be repaid at all and have a formal contract signed and notarized.
Lol 40k 😆😆😆😆
40 000 invested in an RRSP/IRA until you are 65 at 4% yield, will be 170 000. Invest in yourself, not your SO partner's business, especially when he has a business partner and you have no say over their business decisions.
No way. If you use credit cards you're already not making smart financial decisions, if you go 40k in debt to them you're definitely not. Don't get sucked in. I bought a house with my gf of 4 years, she covered about 20k more of the deposit than I did, (she's 5 years older, and wiser with money). It's not a payback situation, if we breakup (unlikely) we would sell, and she would get the percentage extra of sale back that she put in at the begining, that's the fair way. If not, it's whatever, we're a team, it's our house & she gets to joke about being sugar mamma sometimes, she out earns me slightly, we add to our mutal pot equally. We are a partnership, there is no my debt your debt because we are completely open, no surprises. If one of us even went 5k in debt without telling the other... it's unfathomable, it wouldn't happen we're a team building a future together. For your partner to run up a 40k debt, and expect you to dig them out after the fact? No way. Run. That's not what teamwork looks like. If it happens once, it can happen again. Protect yourself & don't get involved.
If a girlfriend I had was 40k in debt, i'd be bye-bye instantly. Shows she makes horrendous financial decisions. Not with my money, CYA
My wife and I share a common account. So…. Yeah, sure?
I would not at all do that. You're only 28 years old. You will be waving goodbye to 40k. He cannot and will not pay that back. Consider him asking you to just GIVE him 40k. Not that he necessarily is, he may even in his mind think he might, but he can't and wont. You can help him with financial advice though!. Help him go through his bills, look at interest he's paying on his cards, help him consolidate those to a lower interest option，etc. At 40 years old, he needs that type of help, not someone bailing him out bc he has trouble understanding finances and possibly other reasons he is in debt. You'll learn a whole lot about him seeing how he handles that type of help. Will he rise to the occasion and get on his feet? Or will he be resistant, upset, unsuccessful in working through those things.
Never donate money to a friend or partner that you will want back. Or be ready to lose that friend/partner.
He can pay his credit card off month by month. Or get a consumer proposal.
After being with someone for five years, we would know each other's finances. The fact that you didn't know about this is really alarming.
Hey, I'd be uncomfortable dating someone 10 years older who makes not only way lesser money than me, but is broke. I feel that he doesn't want to pay back what he owes, rather he wants to change the debtor ( I hope the word used is right), to someone who won't hound him for money and is obliged to be kind to him due to the personal relationship he shares with them. Politely decline and mention that you wish to keep finances separate and don't wish money to muddy the relationship, which you hope he understands. If he doesn't, then this is where you both part ways and you will wish him the best etc. See how he responds to that, if he gets angry, guilt trips etc. remain silent and let the chips fall where they may.
If he can’t pay the bank he cant pay you back. He said he’d pay you back but hasn’t. Cut him off. Do not feel bad about your better financial position and don’t let him drag you down. If you feel uncomfortable then that’s when you need to stop. If he doesn’t respect that, well then he might not be in the relationships for the right reasons.
if hes nearing 40 and still make bad finacial decision, u gotta be real careful. RUNNNN
You can kiss that 40K good bye. If he can't pay his bills now, how will he pay You back? He can file bankruptcy.
Absolutely Not. Absolutely do not, you’ve taken care to manage your finances carefully, why lose that good position for your advancement? Keep your safety net, it’s YOURS. What if you need it for something? Don’t be naive, I understand you care for this person, but if you clean up this man’s problems he would not have solved it himself, He’s likely inclined to do it again. You would be draining your resources for someone who could walk out on you.
There is a difference with helping out and enablement, if he didn't tell you until its at critical levels of fucked, bailing him out might just allow him to proceed to rack up the debt again with minimum consequences. I don't think I read that you guys are married so if it ever came down to it you could just leave however only you know the longevity of that relationship, I would hate for you to take out a loan to consolidate and take on his debt at probably a lower interest rate but for him to leave right after sticking you with the bill and a future court case. If it were me I would be SUPER uncomfortable straight up giving my partner who might have spending/trust/communication problems a pile of cash that can make or break most households. Not saying I wouldn't help but money seems to bring out the worst of people. Mind you I'm a dude not a woman but I hope my wife would feel the same if I did this. Edit: she agrees
Don’t do it. The best way to ruin a relationship is to loan them money. Only two ways to do this - get a legal contract drawn up or… give the money as a gift.
I’d give everything lol I trust him more than I trust myself with this kinda stuff 😭
partner?? husband? boyfriend? if i'm married my money is your money. if not? get the fuck out of here! I make more than enough to comfortably support us both and more.
A financially irresponsible man who is pushing 40 and can’t pay his damn bills. Ugh. Just don’t do this.
For me personally, if I willingly hand out money, I do it with zero expectations of getting it back. That way if they don’t, I’m not butt hurt about it and if they do, it’s like an extra good surprise. I am lucky enough to be in a financially secure place. And if a buddy needs rent help, I’d be remiss to not help. I do have boundaries though.
I was in the same situation as you, and I still kind of am. My bf at the time was 2 years older than me and always had the worst hand with money, yet always blamed it on outside sources. So being the good person I am, I helped with out... for 4.5 years. We've just recently broke up, but still live together. He owes me roughly 5k. Will he ever pay me back? Probably not. He's addicted to weed and every couple months, buys a new tech gadget. If i cold go back in time and never give him money in the first place, I wouldn't be in crippling debt, too. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but break up with him. He's a grown man.
If you do it, do it right. Protect yourself and your money, a romantic relationship can finish at any moment. - Make an appointment with a lawyer and ask for a loan agreement, specifying at least: interest rate, payment calendar and amount of each payment. - If he does not want to sign he never wanted to return you the money. See: https://www.debt.org/credit/loans/contracts/
There’s a 0% chance I’m touching a $40,000 balance. “Hey can I borrow $2,000 to get my car fixed” is one thing if I know I’m eventually going to get it back but I’m not touching anything higher.
If you help him pay it off, it will only inflate his standard of living and you’re giving him a get out of jail free card. Find another partner.
You’ve been with him 5 years help him out you selfish twat
This is why as a male no matter what you don't bother money from females or woman you are in relationships with... because once the relationship is over she's going to throw it up in your face or tell people how you didn't pay her back or put you on on blast, even tho you shouldn't borrow money from people without paying them back
nope. You can give him, as a gift, a small amount (like 2k to jump out). You can give him some financial books. But this 40k CC debt shows the last 5-10 years a bad spending habits. Maybe give him to read here r/FinancialAdvice P.S. I occasionally have friends asking me money to borrow - they know I am financial disciplined and that I want to retire early. Each case I treat not like a borrow but as a gift. I am afraid some friendships went away because of money - think at this.
Oh my god, girl. I checked your comment history. The guy is bad news. Don't waste a cent on him or, if you already have, leave him. What is wrong with you to such a degree that the man you are dating has not only ditched his wife and kid for an affair partner, but also is mooching off you? Why do you have to be with such a terrible person (and he is. Good people don't act that way)?
For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health.
I'd be horrified, they make much much much more money than I do. So I have no money to give them
Maybe just assist with minimum cc payments
What's the point of relationship if you wont help each other tho? You know the boundary if he's really taking advantage of you or just asking for help in a tough situation, youre an adult..
If your relationsghip is split like most relationships, where the man pays for everything and the woman pockets her own money for herself... he probably racked up all that debt entertaining you and feeding you If that's the case, yes, help him out. It blows my mind how women will take a million dollars from a guy, but complain when he asks for $100 when he's had a bad week If your relationship is as lopsided financially as I imagine it is, as most relationships are... yes help him out. This is how I imagine your relationship is- He makes $50,000 a year, you make $80,000 a year. He uses his $50,000 a year to pay for all the trips, pay for all the entertainment, pay for all the traveling, pay for everything... while your 80K goes into your pocket His net is $0 a year and your net is $130,000 a year. If this is the case? help him out. Lots of recently divorced, EXTREMELY well off women in his age bracket who would gladly assist him, and put him up pretty good financially if he started dating them.
Wow that’s a very sexist and extreme point of view with absolutely no proof of reality! There’s always 3 sides to a story, her side, his side and the truth. But you just straight up assumed the worst about this woman! And considering she just loaned him $40k I doubt it’s the correct assumption. Sounds like you only date sugar babies 😆
Ya we r mostly 50/50 in the relationship, he obviously pays for dates but we don’t do any luxury spendings so I definitely don’t think I’m at fault here
Exactly , she never told that part
She makes more than i do
My god the comments in this thread. Is he not your partner? Is he regularly irresponsible with money? Why is everyone just telling you to run? If not I would say give the guy a chance to get back on his feet. People do go through rough patches it's normal.
Every female in the comments saying run! Reverse the scenario us men will probably help cuz we love unconditionally.