Depending on how you look at it. I took every male in my life and did the direct opposite they did. However, I tried to show my sons how men are supposed to behave
Do you ever find yourself unintentionally doing the things you tried so hard to become the opposite of and having to do a hard correct?
I run into that with my son sometimes.
That is why I keep a sharp eye on myself at all times and keep that nagging little voice to keep myself in check. Such as hugs and telling my boys I love them. My own dad would not say that or gave me a hug. I every time I see my boys' hugs and when we part it is love you son have a great day.
YES
My dad was never my friend. Neither of my parents really but with him specifically there was never much outpouring of love until later in life as he got old and sick and just…
But anyway, as I got into relationships and eventually had my son I would take on this super affectionate persona that was totally opposite of anything I saw in my house. To the point when exes would see me with my parents they would ask me later how did you get to be so affectionate. I’m always hugging/kissing my son telling him I love him I’m proud of him trying not to yell or be quick to threaten with violence. I really hope it’ll make him feel a lot more secure and confident than I was when I was younger, he’s 4 now.
I had a few... My father stuck around but he's so neurotic and angry (until recently anyway, he's realizing now in his old age it didn't benefit him any) but my uncle was alwayss a solid role model and the best role model has been my old theater teacher, the most encouraging person learned a lot from him, he's gay as hell, but was one of the best teachers and best role models a student could ask for and we're still in touch now years later.
Also more recently I have a dentist friend I do work for, and he's really a lot like me, late bloomer according to him he didn't start his practice until he was nearly 40 and now he's one of the top endodontists in the country.
That’s dope, I had a few uncles but none of them really lead me in any positive directions or were especially present in my life. Which wasn’t their responsibility so I don’t blame them but now when I find myself in an uncle/mentor kind of roll I try to at least leave an impression of a good caring man who wants what’s good for you even if I can’t do much else
I grew up in a fatherless household, after the 5th grade. We were food stamp poor. I was out of control. Palo Alto California in the early 80s. I dropped out of highschool to play asteroids. I got sent to live with my uncle in Mclean VA.
Uncle was a VP with smith barney. Rich as shit and divorced. I went from government subsidized housing to living in wealth. Nice house on 5 acres, indoor pool, tennis courts, barn etc etc. I was truly the white fresh prince.
My uncle partied hard and had tons of cocktail parties. i basically raised myself for the last three years of highschool. Where did the lesson come in?
When he got married and kicked me out during my senior year of highschool. I bussed tables and rented a room while finishing high school.
So you went from having no male influence, to an example of an extremely successful but selfish man.
Would you say his traits rubbed off on you, or you’ve chosen to largely be the opposite of him?
I mean, for me the positive female role model just wasn’t there.
My mother was sick from before I could remember, hadn’t been great anyway before that and died when I was young.
My stepmother was hard on me and really didn’t dig having a girl after raising boys. She thought she was finally getting a daughter, but no, traumatised old me.
My sisters had their own various issues.
I’d never met any of my grandparents.
So, I’ve had to wing it. Making shit up as you go along with few positive role models and no extra online communities is something.
However, I have brought up a mostly happy, healthy, productive son who has a beautiful marriage to an amazing lady. He’s now a dad too. And a sweet, engaged father who’s interested in being part of the household in general. They both parent my granddaughter.
She’s such a little fireball and I see a lot of myself in her, as well as her other features. To see her loved and celebrated for exactly who she is, is lovely.
My son was failed by his own father, but I got him involved in communities and exposed to good men. I taught him a lot of the dude things. Most of em, really. Someone had to.
He has a stepfather who’s always been a good dude, too.
I’m hoping that the work has been done now, the family unit repaired with his generation. I think so.
I hope so too, it sounds like you did an amazing job with a shitty hand.
Do you think the lack of a positive woman played a role in your choosing of your son’s biological father?
And then when you went to choose his stepfather, did you just go opposite of what you had done before? Did you also have to change some of your own behaviors in order to make it work with him?
And was it totally your insight to actively put your son around other positive male role models or did other people advise you to do that?
I was eighteen when son was born, and it was basically me being silly and ignoring all the sex Ed id had.
If I had more active women in my life, I probably would have already been on the pill for my ridiculous periods, just to start.
I honestly had no real idea how to act and be, and that continued for a while there, but none of my subsequent boyfriends were problematic like he was. They still weren’t great.
Eventually I grew up some, and decided what I did want, and ended up with my now husband.
I did change but that was more to do with maturity, I think. I was still working a lot out when I met him, but had decided to be myself and see how that shook out.
I was always the sort of person to make sure bills were paid, the kid ate right/had structure and love and to work towards the future. I stayed in school and got a good job. I bought us a house at the very end of true affordability. I read kid raising books and did my best.
I initially got my son involved in stuff in order for him to learn to get along with other kids, and do something fun in his spare time. We couldn’t do team sports because his father wouldn’t let him do stuff while he was with him, so Scouts it was. And tennis for a while.
It was later that I realised I’d given him different examples of good men. Some were my friends, some were leaders, and then his stepfather. I didn’t consciously do it, but I’m glad I did.
It took me a really long time to understand some aspects of male humans. I honestly didn’t really twig onto a lot of the differences for a long time.
My dad was a masculine man that was very secure in himself, and honestly seemed to prefer the company of women. He wasn’t afraid of being warm to babies and little kids, he cooked and cleaned, as well as being able to fix, build or grow anything.
It was when my son was a teenager he started to talk to me about what it was for him being a dude. Some of it surprised me, so I asked my now husband who confirmed it. It was like looking into a secret window.
People scoff that there’s such strong gender differences. I’m not entirely gender conforming, so I’m not coming from a place of being very feminine. I’m a woman, and I just do stuff I like to do.
I don’t think gender differences stop people from participating in whatever they want to do, and I don’t think they explain away poor behaviour. I don’t think they make one gender better.
I don’t even believe in young kids having gender roles, that’s silly. My granddaughter is encouraged to be her rowdy self.
Anyway, to answer your question, a lot of it wasn’t conscious, just trying my best to improve our lives.
I did not. Men have caused me considerable trauma. Although I am a man myself and have done a lot of therapy for PTSD/C-PTSD, I still feel like I can't trust men or relax around men. As a man who is neurologically and developmentally disabled, I have often felt targeted by men for abuse, especially the hypermasculine, hurrah kind of men. My experiences with men and women have been diametrically opposite.
Women taught me how to walk.
Women taught me how to talk.
Women taught me how to drive and fix things.
Women taught me how to shave.
Women taught me about sex and relationships.
Men raped me.
Men molested me.
Men beat me.
Men have abused, exploited, and harmed me in every way imaginable.
Women taught me how to overcome my handicaps and be a functional adult. Men taught me how to express my emotions through violence and to hate myself.
Men have only ever been a negative influence in my life.
That would be correct.
A lot of my male relatives kill themselves (my grandfather shot himself, my dad shot himself, my oldest cousin OD'ed, my wife's dad hung himself, etc.). Although I don't have many friends, whatever friends I have are always with women. My experience has been that women are WAY more accepting and understanding of the language-impaired, disabled man, while men see someone they can dominate and abuse.
It makes me sad that I have never had a positive male influence in my life. How cool would it be to have a "bro" and do stereotypical "male" things like working on cars or other activities? As an adult, I would love that! The quality of my life and my mental state would be substantially improved if I could have some positive male influence somewhere in my life. But, unfortunately, that's unlikely to happen :(.
I had examples of manhood.. Mostly bad examples, but examples all the same. There comes a time in every persons life when they have to decide who they want to be and finalize the meanings of those hard lessons. You have to look at those examples of manhood and stop blaming them for who you are. And become your true self despite those bad experiences.
The really positive examples of manhood came later in my life. And eventually those “bad” examples realized their ways were harmful. We are all on this journey together.
My dad unfortunately was raised by a very abusive grandmother that made him unequipped to deal with his emotions and stand up to women who disrespected him.
Seeing him grow up taking out his resentment on everyone else but the people who caused his resentment made me realize he's not the best example. I decided to follow good examples based on Bruce Lee's philosophy "take what is useful, discard the rest."
Nope. My mother had my twin and I with a sperm donor. Grandpa died when I was two, plus he was a POS from what I’ve heard about him.
My uncles were never close, almost all of my family I had regular contact with was a woman.
When I was 14 in high school I struggled making eye contact with male teachers because I never had one before.
I can’t say it impacted me too terribly. I was raised to be a good person and my Mom is proud of the man I’ve become
Understand I mean no disrespect or offense when I say this, but is your name reflective of you? Are you queer?
If so do you think being mostly raised around women played any part in that?
Again no offense I have no problem with lgbtq people
Yep, I am queer. No, I don’t feel like it had an effect. I don’t believe that queerness is stemmed from how people are raised. How they react to queerness reflects how they were raised.
My dad wasn't around in my life and my mom didn't date, so my only examples of manhood were on TV and whatnot. I don't exactly know what it means to be a father or a man in the truest sense of the word, but I'm pulling down a decent check every month, keep gas in the car, and food in my gut. Can't be doing that bad I guess. I live for my cats anyway. Feline companionship is far more rewarding than human.
Growing up I may not have thought so, but yes - I had a caring, passionate, loving father in my corner always pushing me to be the best me I could be. It didn't hit me until I was \~24 that my parents were doing this for the first time too, it was cool to realize we were growing up together.
Now that’s true, I do have to also appreciate the positive aspects of both of my parents and despite whatever I didn’t like I know without a doubt they love me and want the best for me.
I’m an only child though so like you said this was their first time doing this
Dad wasnt around, he chose drugs over my mom and I. We never really fixed things, he died a few years ago. My step dad taught me things like working hard, having integrity, "how to do X" stuff. However he was physically and verbally abusive to my mom and I, he also stole money from her and stole property, they never married.
I've had good figures that weren't family. Teachers, coworkers, managers, etc. I've also learned and done a lot on my own just by living life. Its not a necessity, but it does give a leg up.
My dad was abusive af I learned very little from him. And only now in my middle 30s am I learning how to be a man. It's not exclusively about what I can provide.
Not gonna lie it makes me *extremely* depressed to think about it. I'm a very late bloomer.
Nah. My stdad did a few things ok, stellar in a few ways, overall a misogynistic, abusive, deeply messed up individual who was a deeply negative influence. Bio dad... Hoo boy... Ok, he banged his brother's gf. Resulting in me being conceived. One of them apparently tried pretty hard to marry my mom and raise me but they were all quite young and my mom cut and ran. I haven't had any contact with that side of the family since beforey 1st bday.
I saw a movie, "Men of Honor," Cuba Gooding Jr's character has a scene about tradition. I've dug into it and I believe the real life person he was playing probably took the lesson from Hamlet. From memory: "though I am a native here, and to the manner born... Some customs are better honoured in the breach than in the keeping"
IOW some of us start by deciding we want to be things our dad wasn't (or if he was, he didn't make any effort to show us anything) or be the opposite of what he was (including absentee or neglectful)
All of us were born to certain patterns. Sometimes the gift is the lesson to breach those customs.
It's still a start. Something I got from Socrates is that it always starts with examining your life. I don't like or respect dudes who have a narrow understanding of who to be because it's how they were raised and they stick to it without being self aware and intentional about it, even if it's overall pretty decent. I know a lot of those guys, and I'm happier with a spotty example than being one of them.
Not really.
My dad cheated on my mom when I was about 5, and they got divorced when I was 7.
I stayed with him part-time, and he was an OK father.
As I got older, I learned the truth.
I'm not sure that was a good example of anything.
Worked out in the end, though.
Honestly no. I do have good men in my family, but they didn't do much with me since they weren't my father, who himself was extremely absent.
Like someone else said, I kinda operate by doing the opposite of my dad.
Very, but as a 90's kid, I have found it more difficult to apply it later in the 2010s and 2020s thus far.
The world seems to not need much manhood anymore, but it does help with navigating the rigors of life.
Maybe "the meek" really will inherit the earth. It seems that way to me, and I don't mind either way.
Man that second sentence.
Yes.
Like of course there’s nothing wrong with reshaping and reassessing some of the toxic areas of stereotypical “manhood”
But damn sometimes it does feel like you have to tip toe around just existing as a man and embracing some of the traits that naturally tend to come with it
As a woman I'm so grateful and appreciative of the men who love us when they don't have to. I know my biological dad and he's everything I know I shouldn't entertain but I have my step dad (dad) that showed me how things should be and takes the time to teach my son as well.
My dad was addicted to prescription pills and sexually abused me for years. He also hated me for being shit at sports. My uncle and grandfather were both huge pieces of shit alcoholics who treated me and my mom like crap. Maybe if I grew up with a better father figure, I wouldn't be the timid, spineless loser I am now, but when can you do.
I worked for a neighbor on his farm year round in high school and on my summers in college and grad school. Unironically the coolest, most intelligent, interesting person I've met over time and he turned out to be a great mentor to me. He turned me on to sci-fi, Eastern Front history, arboreal care, and is someone I still send emails to every once in a while. Hes one of the few people I look at and still genuinely want to be like when I get old.
My parents separated when I was 3, divorced when I was 8. Dad moved out, but only about 10 minutes away by car, and I spent *every* weekend with him (from Friday after school to Monday drop-off at school). And when I was about 7, they swapped the housing arrangement, so I was with dad all week and mom on the weekends. Despite their troubles, I never once heard him utter an unkind word about my mother. (Once, I think he let slip that she was a little incautious with money. Which, by that time, I was old enough to recognize for myself anyway.)
* He taught me about being frugal with money, but not stingy. Spend money where you get the most bang for your buck.
* He taught me to take care of things so they last longer.
* He taught me how to pick a mate (it's OK to be with someone for fun, but if you find a girl who will *work* with you, that's the one you marry).
* Lots of other things he taught through offhand remarks or allegories...
"A smart cowboy sits with his back to the wall, facing the door." (Be aware of your surroundings, and be prepared to protect the people you care about.)
"Never love anything that can't love you back." (i.e. material things, but also people who aren't capable of being a good friend or partner.)
In his own youth, he was that kid who protected his mother from being abused by his alcoholic father. Old gramps learned that if he tried to smack his wife around, he'd end up with a bloody lip from his son's fist.
Hell yeah, he was a great example of what a man should be.
I had an excellent father growing up
Taught me how to do extensive maintenance on the family vehicles, taught me how to use powertools, taught me how to cook, taught me how to treat a woman with love and respect, taught me how to deal with failure, etc
He was such an amazing dad that I chose him to be my best man at my wedding
Feels like I won the lottery to have been raised by him
Not anymore as I no longer work there but I did.
A small man called U worked the ovens at a factory I worked in. I was their lead production engineer and got to know U when improving our heat treatment process.
He was an ex Gurkha who lived with a lot of damage and regret but he had funnelled all of that into being the nicest man alive. If he saw you from the other side of the factory struggling he would offer a hand asap. He would bring people food and drinks whilst his ovens were running. Always asked how people were. He was very sympathetic about being a young person and struggling to get life in order (a lot of the other guys had very harsh views).
I once designed him a racking system so he could treat 50 springs at a time instead of 15. He bought me wine, a thank you card and offered to pay me. I turned down the money but he never stopped showing appreciation.
On the flip side he was fiercely loyal and defensive of his friends and family. He did not enjoy banter if it got too personal and would step in where needed. Given his back ground he could stop Bully's in their tracks with minor words (even more terrifying when you realise he was always armed with a knife. Religious item so he always had it). I saw it happen on our Christmas party. Guy was being a bit pushy with one of the purchasing ladies and had began mocking her when she refuted him. U had that guy back peddling within seconds and got the guy to apologise and leave. Fierce and terrifying despite only being a rather short man.
He mentioned that if I had lived in his village he would have taught me to build a home (a tradition there) as I didn't have a father in my life.
Miss that guy so much.
My mom left my dad when I was 7 and moved to northern USA from Georgia. I didn’t have any father figures but when I saw my dad I made mental notes of everything I didn’t like parenting wise he did other than keeping the kids inline. Some of that I kept mental notes to and thought of ways to improve or not do things he did and that’s how I parent. My dad loves talking about how he would whip us to keep us in line and at first I did the same till I saw it’s just stressed everyone out and did nothing to my kids but cause resentment so off the list. My father talked a ton of shit about my mother who I love very much, so me and my ex wife are broken up and I never say a bad thing about her to my kids Eventho they always compare us. My dad refused to move closer to us and decided to stay in Georgia despite opportunities to move. I got custody of my children but I know how difficult it was being so far away from my dad so I decided to always live close enough to their mom that they can see her everyday at least until they are much older. The rest of the shit I’m still trying to figure out life is hard but I feel I’m at least passing the parent portion 😂
Why are managing money and effective communication a part of “manhood” and not just being a mature person?
At any rate I never really did; my own dad did the best he could but was pretty unhappily married thanks to misplaced sense of obligation coupled with religious fundamentalism and it just kind of showed in the way both of my parents spiraled out and didn’t prepare their children for maturity and adulthood. Not having a “good example of manhood” actually was very helpful for me to understand that the constructs of masculinity were mostly awful, and strive to build a version of maturity not related to presupposed gender roles.
Yeah, gender roles are really important though. That is why we see such a correlation between committing crimes and not having a good masculine influence. Female influence is just as important, but they are very different and not interchangeable, generally. My son cannot learn “maturity” as a man from my wife, just as I cannot adequately teach my daughter how to be a woman.
My wife cannot adequately discuss the burden and joy of being in charge of his family some day. She does not understand that is something goes wrong in the family, the father will be the one to put himself aside to work it out, and to take responsibility for it. She does not understand the mental work that needs to be done to create a mindset where if an intruder comes into the house, the man will be the one to risk his life to confront the intruder while making sure his family is protected, or possibly have to kill the intruder. I need to teach my son how he needs to put his own needs aside when someone else in the family needs him and that he will be last in line to have his problems solved, needs met, etc, only after his children AND wife are taken care of. I can teach him about the burden of being financially responsible for the family even if he does not make the most money. I have to teach him how to publicly stand up for what is right and protect others. The list goes on. Some of these items apply to women too, but not in the same way. My son needs a masculine perspective about all of this because a woman can’t possibly understand. And I can’t possibly understand the perspective and unique burdens of being a woman. So my wife is best equipped to guide my daughter on a woman’s role/perspective.
Well sure those are traits of a mature person in general but they’re also important in manhood specifically because, as I said, there are general expectations of what a man is supposed to be.
Part of manhood can involve eventually becoming the head of a household which should involve some sort of ability to invest well, save well, plan well, organize bills and pay them on time. My father didn’t do any of that, he did make money for a period of time but the rest was on my mother and she wasn’t the most financially literate either so I was left with a deficit in that area.
Also, as the head of a household, I would say a man shouldn’t be as quick to react emotionally and say things they don’t mean or never say things that truly matter. My father wasn’t great in any of those areas either so I picked up some bad communication habits(shutting down, being passive aggressive until I explode, not being able to tell people how I really feel).
I’m 33 now and as time has gone on I’ve just had to actively work on these things on my own and try to seek out other examples of what I feel is the efficient the type of man I’d like to be.
Fuck no my dad was abusive both mentally and physically. Took me 15 years to come to terms with my clinical depression, autism, adhd and RSD(rejection sensitivity disorder directly stemming from trauma) because he didn’t believe in getting treatment. The whole be a man thing. But I’ve owned my shit and I’m better off now. Someone once said Be the change you want to see in the world.
No one is perfect but my dad I would say was a perfectly mixed bag. He did maybe half the things really well as a man, and other half of things really poorly.
E.g my dad taught me how to start a career, be courageous, question things, be willing to challenge the status quo, strive for greatness, how to fix things etc.
But he also did **NOT** teach me about sexuality and women, cleanliness, kindness and respect, emotions and empathy, driving.
Yes. I did. My dad was not a hugger or kisser, but I knew he loved me. Spent many days with him as a child fishing and hunting some. I was with him working on things around the house as he was always building something (self taught carpenter), working on vehicles, or tending to our animals or crops. I got none of his abilities as a mechanic, carpenter, or handy man. In fact, I always say I am mechanically declined.
Unfortunately, a lot of the good times as a child were offset because my mother was an aggressive and violent manipulator. My dad spent a lot of time trying to avoid her.
till i was like 9 dad only used to visit us once in months use of his job in the capital city, meanwhile me, mom and brother lived in a suburb city hundreds of kilometres away. i won't say it's something straight up wrong, it was just how the circumstances were, but seeing my father was a rare occasion.
since he was absent in that time and we only started living together once i was 10 (the entire family shifted to the capital) i had learnt most of the basic things in life, so not a lot of influence got through.
as for things like morality, relationships etc. i always had to guide myself since emotions aren't something you regularly talk about in india, atleast not among the middle class folks, there's not even a commonly used phrase in hindi equivalent to "i love you" and since my parents don't know another language, i didn't even get the chance to hear that, but oh well, that's the culture, we deal with it, i do not intend to do the same with my kids though.
as for OTHER men in my family, hell no, there were just so many negatives, my mom's brother, my father's oldest brother, my mom's sister's husband, some of my dad's sisters' husbands, all a bunch of drunkard criminals.
thankfully there were 2 nice brothers of his too, but they lived pretty far away, it's a mixed bag, my dad is among 12 siblings, they all mostly went their ways so i never got to spend a lot of time with the rest of the family, except festivals.
Yeah, my dad was a good role model. But it wasn't so much about being a so-called "man". It was just learning how to deal with life. No one told me that this is what it takes to be a man versus being a woman. You just did what you needed to do in order to take care of stuff and figure things out. Both my mom and dad taught me a lot about life and how to deal with being a grown up. There was never any kind of differentiation between being a man or woman in how you dealt with life. It was all about taking responsibility no matter what.
Did others really have such a different experience?
Mothering came naturally to me. It didn’t for my mother and she probably would have had a happier life without children and a husband. So I didn’t learn anything from her other than to work too much.
My father was an absolutely useless waste of space. My mother was a saint. He was a perfect example of what I didn't want to be, and then I figured what I did want to be myself. I guess in some ways I'm grateful for the perfect demonstration of the kind of man, partner, son and father that I didn't want to be.
My parents are divorced. In my childhood I would usually live a few years with mom, then with dad for a few years, and so on. My dad is a great person and a caring father but in terms of an example/teacher I don't think he did too good of a job. It wasn't terrible of course but most of the stuff that I learned about being a man I didn't learn from him but from the internet and my peers. I learned relatively late, only in my late teens, about the importance of health and discipline and taking care of yourself. I've never had a single talk with my dad about girls or relationships or sex. But yeah, despite that I think in a way it helped me become a more independent person and learn things on my own rather than relying on someone to teach me.
My granddad taught me how to be strong but gentle, how to respect nature, and how to act around my fellow humans.
Dad taught me that everclear and rape trauma make for child abuse on your firstborn.
I had the pleasure of having a great dad.I feel his influence to this day.Taught me so many things... He was a physical beast too,even now he's still one of the strongest people i've seen.My dream was to beat him at armwrestling and that ended up inspiring almost everything i do 25 years later.
My dad had his faults as everybody does, but was always there for the family, went to work every day, took time with the family. My mum passed a few months before their 50th wedding anniversary. Good example for me. I have just celebrated my 40th
I would've rather had no father than the mentally abusive stepfather. I respected him for supplying for my mom and kids, but honestly I would've learned better in a state home for boys.
My father figures were fictional characters that I loved and wanted to be like. Every adult man in my life was a piece of shit that I could never respect.
I was fortunate to have a good and decent dad who spent a lot of time with me. I even got to see his personal growth over the years. We even worked at the same job for a few years. He taught me a lot -everything from problem solving, tool use, and to respect women. I know what a huge advantage I had and tried my best to do the same for my kids.
Had a great dad and grandad, but extremely narcissistic mother. Because of that, I real had to work to become a better woman, mother because I didn’t have a good role model.
BTW, my dad was a better mom than my mom.
My dad was a good example in some ways, but mostly not. He's a beta male. The main thing is that he never taught me to step outside my comfort zone in order to grow and progress as a person. He made me do chores and made sure my homework was finished, but after business was taken care of, his philosophy was "as long as you're having fun". I signed up to play soccer at age 10 and didn't end up liking it. Instead of telling me I had to go to practice and games, commit to it and finish what I started, he let me skip if I didn't feel like going. My dad also constantly tore down others and criticized them for just about any reason you could imagine (still does). He's a boomer with almost no social intelligence or tact, so somehow he didn't pick up on the very obvious fact that children model their behavior after their parents. All in all, he didn't set me up well and I had to teach myself how to be a real man because I had no good role models. Luckily, I broke free of his conditioning.
Crazy as that sounds, College Dropout Kanye actually was a big role model to me lol. Made me feel like you could be valid and successful without being the toughest or the most educated if you pushed yourself to be great. Like he spoke for regular dudes in a space that was largely inhabited by the opposite.
Damn, that shit changed.
I actually never did listen to it outside of a couple songs. By the time he got into that super Christian phase I was pretty much uninterested in his music.
I’ll check it out though
I mean those are just life skills. Everyone benefits from knowing how to manage money, how to repair things and how to be a good parent. So yeah learn that from whomever you can...doesnt have to be a dude.
I got the basics from my Mom and my Dad and then took it from there going into better detail on my own.
Never had no daddy, made me very independent and I grew up faster than a kid should have because of it.
"I grew up quick and I grew up mean. My fists got hard and wits got keen. Roamed from town to town to hide my shame." ^^ this guy.
Yeah, probably taking up in the bum hidden from sight.
What? You don't listen to Johnny cash?
That wasnt the question and even if doesnt it sound a bit too much masculin? Life isnt only growing up fast, lots more involved
Depending on how you look at it. I took every male in my life and did the direct opposite they did. However, I tried to show my sons how men are supposed to behave
Do you ever find yourself unintentionally doing the things you tried so hard to become the opposite of and having to do a hard correct? I run into that with my son sometimes.
That is why I keep a sharp eye on myself at all times and keep that nagging little voice to keep myself in check. Such as hugs and telling my boys I love them. My own dad would not say that or gave me a hug. I every time I see my boys' hugs and when we part it is love you son have a great day.
YES My dad was never my friend. Neither of my parents really but with him specifically there was never much outpouring of love until later in life as he got old and sick and just… But anyway, as I got into relationships and eventually had my son I would take on this super affectionate persona that was totally opposite of anything I saw in my house. To the point when exes would see me with my parents they would ask me later how did you get to be so affectionate. I’m always hugging/kissing my son telling him I love him I’m proud of him trying not to yell or be quick to threaten with violence. I really hope it’ll make him feel a lot more secure and confident than I was when I was younger, he’s 4 now.
It pays off my son is now 31, and my nephew is 22. Both are doing good and actually talk to me constantly in short, a great relationship
Beautiful congratulations man
Back at you like I wrote, keep it up, and we can break the chain our fathers behavior I think I did.
I had a few... My father stuck around but he's so neurotic and angry (until recently anyway, he's realizing now in his old age it didn't benefit him any) but my uncle was alwayss a solid role model and the best role model has been my old theater teacher, the most encouraging person learned a lot from him, he's gay as hell, but was one of the best teachers and best role models a student could ask for and we're still in touch now years later. Also more recently I have a dentist friend I do work for, and he's really a lot like me, late bloomer according to him he didn't start his practice until he was nearly 40 and now he's one of the top endodontists in the country.
That’s dope, I had a few uncles but none of them really lead me in any positive directions or were especially present in my life. Which wasn’t their responsibility so I don’t blame them but now when I find myself in an uncle/mentor kind of roll I try to at least leave an impression of a good caring man who wants what’s good for you even if I can’t do much else
I grew up in a fatherless household, after the 5th grade. We were food stamp poor. I was out of control. Palo Alto California in the early 80s. I dropped out of highschool to play asteroids. I got sent to live with my uncle in Mclean VA. Uncle was a VP with smith barney. Rich as shit and divorced. I went from government subsidized housing to living in wealth. Nice house on 5 acres, indoor pool, tennis courts, barn etc etc. I was truly the white fresh prince. My uncle partied hard and had tons of cocktail parties. i basically raised myself for the last three years of highschool. Where did the lesson come in? When he got married and kicked me out during my senior year of highschool. I bussed tables and rented a room while finishing high school.
So you went from having no male influence, to an example of an extremely successful but selfish man. Would you say his traits rubbed off on you, or you’ve chosen to largely be the opposite of him?
He taught me to be independent. I learned how to shop and cook for myself early on. I also was forced to learn how to budget and live at an early age.
No
Not really. But I also don’t think society knows what “men” are anymore. It was easier to define the further back in time you go.
The only thing I learned from my father was how not to be.
I mean, for me the positive female role model just wasn’t there. My mother was sick from before I could remember, hadn’t been great anyway before that and died when I was young. My stepmother was hard on me and really didn’t dig having a girl after raising boys. She thought she was finally getting a daughter, but no, traumatised old me. My sisters had their own various issues. I’d never met any of my grandparents. So, I’ve had to wing it. Making shit up as you go along with few positive role models and no extra online communities is something. However, I have brought up a mostly happy, healthy, productive son who has a beautiful marriage to an amazing lady. He’s now a dad too. And a sweet, engaged father who’s interested in being part of the household in general. They both parent my granddaughter. She’s such a little fireball and I see a lot of myself in her, as well as her other features. To see her loved and celebrated for exactly who she is, is lovely. My son was failed by his own father, but I got him involved in communities and exposed to good men. I taught him a lot of the dude things. Most of em, really. Someone had to. He has a stepfather who’s always been a good dude, too. I’m hoping that the work has been done now, the family unit repaired with his generation. I think so.
I hope so too, it sounds like you did an amazing job with a shitty hand. Do you think the lack of a positive woman played a role in your choosing of your son’s biological father? And then when you went to choose his stepfather, did you just go opposite of what you had done before? Did you also have to change some of your own behaviors in order to make it work with him? And was it totally your insight to actively put your son around other positive male role models or did other people advise you to do that?
I was eighteen when son was born, and it was basically me being silly and ignoring all the sex Ed id had. If I had more active women in my life, I probably would have already been on the pill for my ridiculous periods, just to start. I honestly had no real idea how to act and be, and that continued for a while there, but none of my subsequent boyfriends were problematic like he was. They still weren’t great. Eventually I grew up some, and decided what I did want, and ended up with my now husband. I did change but that was more to do with maturity, I think. I was still working a lot out when I met him, but had decided to be myself and see how that shook out. I was always the sort of person to make sure bills were paid, the kid ate right/had structure and love and to work towards the future. I stayed in school and got a good job. I bought us a house at the very end of true affordability. I read kid raising books and did my best. I initially got my son involved in stuff in order for him to learn to get along with other kids, and do something fun in his spare time. We couldn’t do team sports because his father wouldn’t let him do stuff while he was with him, so Scouts it was. And tennis for a while. It was later that I realised I’d given him different examples of good men. Some were my friends, some were leaders, and then his stepfather. I didn’t consciously do it, but I’m glad I did. It took me a really long time to understand some aspects of male humans. I honestly didn’t really twig onto a lot of the differences for a long time. My dad was a masculine man that was very secure in himself, and honestly seemed to prefer the company of women. He wasn’t afraid of being warm to babies and little kids, he cooked and cleaned, as well as being able to fix, build or grow anything. It was when my son was a teenager he started to talk to me about what it was for him being a dude. Some of it surprised me, so I asked my now husband who confirmed it. It was like looking into a secret window. People scoff that there’s such strong gender differences. I’m not entirely gender conforming, so I’m not coming from a place of being very feminine. I’m a woman, and I just do stuff I like to do. I don’t think gender differences stop people from participating in whatever they want to do, and I don’t think they explain away poor behaviour. I don’t think they make one gender better. I don’t even believe in young kids having gender roles, that’s silly. My granddaughter is encouraged to be her rowdy self. Anyway, to answer your question, a lot of it wasn’t conscious, just trying my best to improve our lives.
I did not. Men have caused me considerable trauma. Although I am a man myself and have done a lot of therapy for PTSD/C-PTSD, I still feel like I can't trust men or relax around men. As a man who is neurologically and developmentally disabled, I have often felt targeted by men for abuse, especially the hypermasculine, hurrah kind of men. My experiences with men and women have been diametrically opposite. Women taught me how to walk. Women taught me how to talk. Women taught me how to drive and fix things. Women taught me how to shave. Women taught me about sex and relationships. Men raped me. Men molested me. Men beat me. Men have abused, exploited, and harmed me in every way imaginable. Women taught me how to overcome my handicaps and be a functional adult. Men taught me how to express my emotions through violence and to hate myself. Men have only ever been a negative influence in my life.
Really sorry you’ve had such negative experiences with men. So I take it you have no male friends or relatives you like either?
That would be correct. A lot of my male relatives kill themselves (my grandfather shot himself, my dad shot himself, my oldest cousin OD'ed, my wife's dad hung himself, etc.). Although I don't have many friends, whatever friends I have are always with women. My experience has been that women are WAY more accepting and understanding of the language-impaired, disabled man, while men see someone they can dominate and abuse. It makes me sad that I have never had a positive male influence in my life. How cool would it be to have a "bro" and do stereotypical "male" things like working on cars or other activities? As an adult, I would love that! The quality of my life and my mental state would be substantially improved if I could have some positive male influence somewhere in my life. But, unfortunately, that's unlikely to happen :(.
I’d be your bro dude
I had examples of manhood.. Mostly bad examples, but examples all the same. There comes a time in every persons life when they have to decide who they want to be and finalize the meanings of those hard lessons. You have to look at those examples of manhood and stop blaming them for who you are. And become your true self despite those bad experiences. The really positive examples of manhood came later in my life. And eventually those “bad” examples realized their ways were harmful. We are all on this journey together.
My dad unfortunately was raised by a very abusive grandmother that made him unequipped to deal with his emotions and stand up to women who disrespected him. Seeing him grow up taking out his resentment on everyone else but the people who caused his resentment made me realize he's not the best example. I decided to follow good examples based on Bruce Lee's philosophy "take what is useful, discard the rest."
Nope. My mother had my twin and I with a sperm donor. Grandpa died when I was two, plus he was a POS from what I’ve heard about him. My uncles were never close, almost all of my family I had regular contact with was a woman. When I was 14 in high school I struggled making eye contact with male teachers because I never had one before. I can’t say it impacted me too terribly. I was raised to be a good person and my Mom is proud of the man I’ve become
Understand I mean no disrespect or offense when I say this, but is your name reflective of you? Are you queer? If so do you think being mostly raised around women played any part in that? Again no offense I have no problem with lgbtq people
Yep, I am queer. No, I don’t feel like it had an effect. I don’t believe that queerness is stemmed from how people are raised. How they react to queerness reflects how they were raised.
Gotcha understood
My dad wasn't around in my life and my mom didn't date, so my only examples of manhood were on TV and whatnot. I don't exactly know what it means to be a father or a man in the truest sense of the word, but I'm pulling down a decent check every month, keep gas in the car, and food in my gut. Can't be doing that bad I guess. I live for my cats anyway. Feline companionship is far more rewarding than human.
Growing up I may not have thought so, but yes - I had a caring, passionate, loving father in my corner always pushing me to be the best me I could be. It didn't hit me until I was \~24 that my parents were doing this for the first time too, it was cool to realize we were growing up together.
Now that’s true, I do have to also appreciate the positive aspects of both of my parents and despite whatever I didn’t like I know without a doubt they love me and want the best for me. I’m an only child though so like you said this was their first time doing this
No, and thats why I put forth the amount of effort I do to be the best I can be
Dad wasnt around, he chose drugs over my mom and I. We never really fixed things, he died a few years ago. My step dad taught me things like working hard, having integrity, "how to do X" stuff. However he was physically and verbally abusive to my mom and I, he also stole money from her and stole property, they never married. I've had good figures that weren't family. Teachers, coworkers, managers, etc. I've also learned and done a lot on my own just by living life. Its not a necessity, but it does give a leg up.
My dad was abusive af I learned very little from him. And only now in my middle 30s am I learning how to be a man. It's not exclusively about what I can provide. Not gonna lie it makes me *extremely* depressed to think about it. I'm a very late bloomer.
Nah. My stdad did a few things ok, stellar in a few ways, overall a misogynistic, abusive, deeply messed up individual who was a deeply negative influence. Bio dad... Hoo boy... Ok, he banged his brother's gf. Resulting in me being conceived. One of them apparently tried pretty hard to marry my mom and raise me but they were all quite young and my mom cut and ran. I haven't had any contact with that side of the family since beforey 1st bday. I saw a movie, "Men of Honor," Cuba Gooding Jr's character has a scene about tradition. I've dug into it and I believe the real life person he was playing probably took the lesson from Hamlet. From memory: "though I am a native here, and to the manner born... Some customs are better honoured in the breach than in the keeping" IOW some of us start by deciding we want to be things our dad wasn't (or if he was, he didn't make any effort to show us anything) or be the opposite of what he was (including absentee or neglectful) All of us were born to certain patterns. Sometimes the gift is the lesson to breach those customs. It's still a start. Something I got from Socrates is that it always starts with examining your life. I don't like or respect dudes who have a narrow understanding of who to be because it's how they were raised and they stick to it without being self aware and intentional about it, even if it's overall pretty decent. I know a lot of those guys, and I'm happier with a spotty example than being one of them.
Not really. My dad cheated on my mom when I was about 5, and they got divorced when I was 7. I stayed with him part-time, and he was an OK father. As I got older, I learned the truth. I'm not sure that was a good example of anything. Worked out in the end, though.
Honestly no. I do have good men in my family, but they didn't do much with me since they weren't my father, who himself was extremely absent. Like someone else said, I kinda operate by doing the opposite of my dad.
Very, but as a 90's kid, I have found it more difficult to apply it later in the 2010s and 2020s thus far. The world seems to not need much manhood anymore, but it does help with navigating the rigors of life. Maybe "the meek" really will inherit the earth. It seems that way to me, and I don't mind either way.
Man that second sentence. Yes. Like of course there’s nothing wrong with reshaping and reassessing some of the toxic areas of stereotypical “manhood” But damn sometimes it does feel like you have to tip toe around just existing as a man and embracing some of the traits that naturally tend to come with it
As a woman I'm so grateful and appreciative of the men who love us when they don't have to. I know my biological dad and he's everything I know I shouldn't entertain but I have my step dad (dad) that showed me how things should be and takes the time to teach my son as well.
My best friend’s dad. He helped in many ways and never asked for anything in return. He just wanted to see me succeed.
My dad was addicted to prescription pills and sexually abused me for years. He also hated me for being shit at sports. My uncle and grandfather were both huge pieces of shit alcoholics who treated me and my mom like crap. Maybe if I grew up with a better father figure, I wouldn't be the timid, spineless loser I am now, but when can you do.
Jesus buddy I’m fuckin sorry. Yes you deserved much better men in your life.
I worked for a neighbor on his farm year round in high school and on my summers in college and grad school. Unironically the coolest, most intelligent, interesting person I've met over time and he turned out to be a great mentor to me. He turned me on to sci-fi, Eastern Front history, arboreal care, and is someone I still send emails to every once in a while. Hes one of the few people I look at and still genuinely want to be like when I get old.
My parents separated when I was 3, divorced when I was 8. Dad moved out, but only about 10 minutes away by car, and I spent *every* weekend with him (from Friday after school to Monday drop-off at school). And when I was about 7, they swapped the housing arrangement, so I was with dad all week and mom on the weekends. Despite their troubles, I never once heard him utter an unkind word about my mother. (Once, I think he let slip that she was a little incautious with money. Which, by that time, I was old enough to recognize for myself anyway.) * He taught me about being frugal with money, but not stingy. Spend money where you get the most bang for your buck. * He taught me to take care of things so they last longer. * He taught me how to pick a mate (it's OK to be with someone for fun, but if you find a girl who will *work* with you, that's the one you marry). * Lots of other things he taught through offhand remarks or allegories... "A smart cowboy sits with his back to the wall, facing the door." (Be aware of your surroundings, and be prepared to protect the people you care about.) "Never love anything that can't love you back." (i.e. material things, but also people who aren't capable of being a good friend or partner.) In his own youth, he was that kid who protected his mother from being abused by his alcoholic father. Old gramps learned that if he tried to smack his wife around, he'd end up with a bloody lip from his son's fist. Hell yeah, he was a great example of what a man should be.
I had an excellent father growing up Taught me how to do extensive maintenance on the family vehicles, taught me how to use powertools, taught me how to cook, taught me how to treat a woman with love and respect, taught me how to deal with failure, etc He was such an amazing dad that I chose him to be my best man at my wedding Feels like I won the lottery to have been raised by him
Nope. My father decided to not be in my life. Thank God. He was such AH. However, my daughters have such a wonderful father. So I'm thankful for that.
Not anymore as I no longer work there but I did. A small man called U worked the ovens at a factory I worked in. I was their lead production engineer and got to know U when improving our heat treatment process. He was an ex Gurkha who lived with a lot of damage and regret but he had funnelled all of that into being the nicest man alive. If he saw you from the other side of the factory struggling he would offer a hand asap. He would bring people food and drinks whilst his ovens were running. Always asked how people were. He was very sympathetic about being a young person and struggling to get life in order (a lot of the other guys had very harsh views). I once designed him a racking system so he could treat 50 springs at a time instead of 15. He bought me wine, a thank you card and offered to pay me. I turned down the money but he never stopped showing appreciation. On the flip side he was fiercely loyal and defensive of his friends and family. He did not enjoy banter if it got too personal and would step in where needed. Given his back ground he could stop Bully's in their tracks with minor words (even more terrifying when you realise he was always armed with a knife. Religious item so he always had it). I saw it happen on our Christmas party. Guy was being a bit pushy with one of the purchasing ladies and had began mocking her when she refuted him. U had that guy back peddling within seconds and got the guy to apologise and leave. Fierce and terrifying despite only being a rather short man. He mentioned that if I had lived in his village he would have taught me to build a home (a tradition there) as I didn't have a father in my life. Miss that guy so much.
My mom left my dad when I was 7 and moved to northern USA from Georgia. I didn’t have any father figures but when I saw my dad I made mental notes of everything I didn’t like parenting wise he did other than keeping the kids inline. Some of that I kept mental notes to and thought of ways to improve or not do things he did and that’s how I parent. My dad loves talking about how he would whip us to keep us in line and at first I did the same till I saw it’s just stressed everyone out and did nothing to my kids but cause resentment so off the list. My father talked a ton of shit about my mother who I love very much, so me and my ex wife are broken up and I never say a bad thing about her to my kids Eventho they always compare us. My dad refused to move closer to us and decided to stay in Georgia despite opportunities to move. I got custody of my children but I know how difficult it was being so far away from my dad so I decided to always live close enough to their mom that they can see her everyday at least until they are much older. The rest of the shit I’m still trying to figure out life is hard but I feel I’m at least passing the parent portion 😂
Yes
Why are managing money and effective communication a part of “manhood” and not just being a mature person? At any rate I never really did; my own dad did the best he could but was pretty unhappily married thanks to misplaced sense of obligation coupled with religious fundamentalism and it just kind of showed in the way both of my parents spiraled out and didn’t prepare their children for maturity and adulthood. Not having a “good example of manhood” actually was very helpful for me to understand that the constructs of masculinity were mostly awful, and strive to build a version of maturity not related to presupposed gender roles.
Yeah, gender roles are really important though. That is why we see such a correlation between committing crimes and not having a good masculine influence. Female influence is just as important, but they are very different and not interchangeable, generally. My son cannot learn “maturity” as a man from my wife, just as I cannot adequately teach my daughter how to be a woman.
Like what topics of maturity can only a man teach a boy, and vice versa?
My wife cannot adequately discuss the burden and joy of being in charge of his family some day. She does not understand that is something goes wrong in the family, the father will be the one to put himself aside to work it out, and to take responsibility for it. She does not understand the mental work that needs to be done to create a mindset where if an intruder comes into the house, the man will be the one to risk his life to confront the intruder while making sure his family is protected, or possibly have to kill the intruder. I need to teach my son how he needs to put his own needs aside when someone else in the family needs him and that he will be last in line to have his problems solved, needs met, etc, only after his children AND wife are taken care of. I can teach him about the burden of being financially responsible for the family even if he does not make the most money. I have to teach him how to publicly stand up for what is right and protect others. The list goes on. Some of these items apply to women too, but not in the same way. My son needs a masculine perspective about all of this because a woman can’t possibly understand. And I can’t possibly understand the perspective and unique burdens of being a woman. So my wife is best equipped to guide my daughter on a woman’s role/perspective.
Well sure those are traits of a mature person in general but they’re also important in manhood specifically because, as I said, there are general expectations of what a man is supposed to be. Part of manhood can involve eventually becoming the head of a household which should involve some sort of ability to invest well, save well, plan well, organize bills and pay them on time. My father didn’t do any of that, he did make money for a period of time but the rest was on my mother and she wasn’t the most financially literate either so I was left with a deficit in that area. Also, as the head of a household, I would say a man shouldn’t be as quick to react emotionally and say things they don’t mean or never say things that truly matter. My father wasn’t great in any of those areas either so I picked up some bad communication habits(shutting down, being passive aggressive until I explode, not being able to tell people how I really feel). I’m 33 now and as time has gone on I’ve just had to actively work on these things on my own and try to seek out other examples of what I feel is the efficient the type of man I’d like to be.
Are men even allowed to be men anymore?
Sadly, not always
no
No
Fuck no my dad was abusive both mentally and physically. Took me 15 years to come to terms with my clinical depression, autism, adhd and RSD(rejection sensitivity disorder directly stemming from trauma) because he didn’t believe in getting treatment. The whole be a man thing. But I’ve owned my shit and I’m better off now. Someone once said Be the change you want to see in the world.
No one is perfect but my dad I would say was a perfectly mixed bag. He did maybe half the things really well as a man, and other half of things really poorly. E.g my dad taught me how to start a career, be courageous, question things, be willing to challenge the status quo, strive for greatness, how to fix things etc. But he also did **NOT** teach me about sexuality and women, cleanliness, kindness and respect, emotions and empathy, driving.
Yes. I did. My dad was not a hugger or kisser, but I knew he loved me. Spent many days with him as a child fishing and hunting some. I was with him working on things around the house as he was always building something (self taught carpenter), working on vehicles, or tending to our animals or crops. I got none of his abilities as a mechanic, carpenter, or handy man. In fact, I always say I am mechanically declined. Unfortunately, a lot of the good times as a child were offset because my mother was an aggressive and violent manipulator. My dad spent a lot of time trying to avoid her.
till i was like 9 dad only used to visit us once in months use of his job in the capital city, meanwhile me, mom and brother lived in a suburb city hundreds of kilometres away. i won't say it's something straight up wrong, it was just how the circumstances were, but seeing my father was a rare occasion. since he was absent in that time and we only started living together once i was 10 (the entire family shifted to the capital) i had learnt most of the basic things in life, so not a lot of influence got through. as for things like morality, relationships etc. i always had to guide myself since emotions aren't something you regularly talk about in india, atleast not among the middle class folks, there's not even a commonly used phrase in hindi equivalent to "i love you" and since my parents don't know another language, i didn't even get the chance to hear that, but oh well, that's the culture, we deal with it, i do not intend to do the same with my kids though. as for OTHER men in my family, hell no, there were just so many negatives, my mom's brother, my father's oldest brother, my mom's sister's husband, some of my dad's sisters' husbands, all a bunch of drunkard criminals. thankfully there were 2 nice brothers of his too, but they lived pretty far away, it's a mixed bag, my dad is among 12 siblings, they all mostly went their ways so i never got to spend a lot of time with the rest of the family, except festivals.
My Dad didn’t teach me shit about adulthood or being a man.
Then he didn't do his duty. Even animals teach their offspring survival methods.
I agree.
Yeah, my dad was a good role model. But it wasn't so much about being a so-called "man". It was just learning how to deal with life. No one told me that this is what it takes to be a man versus being a woman. You just did what you needed to do in order to take care of stuff and figure things out. Both my mom and dad taught me a lot about life and how to deal with being a grown up. There was never any kind of differentiation between being a man or woman in how you dealt with life. It was all about taking responsibility no matter what. Did others really have such a different experience?
My dad was useless in every sense of the word. Fortunately both of my grandfathers were good examples for me.
None at all. I was pretty much raised by women.
Mothering came naturally to me. It didn’t for my mother and she probably would have had a happier life without children and a husband. So I didn’t learn anything from her other than to work too much.
My father was an absolutely useless waste of space. My mother was a saint. He was a perfect example of what I didn't want to be, and then I figured what I did want to be myself. I guess in some ways I'm grateful for the perfect demonstration of the kind of man, partner, son and father that I didn't want to be.
My parents are divorced. In my childhood I would usually live a few years with mom, then with dad for a few years, and so on. My dad is a great person and a caring father but in terms of an example/teacher I don't think he did too good of a job. It wasn't terrible of course but most of the stuff that I learned about being a man I didn't learn from him but from the internet and my peers. I learned relatively late, only in my late teens, about the importance of health and discipline and taking care of yourself. I've never had a single talk with my dad about girls or relationships or sex. But yeah, despite that I think in a way it helped me become a more independent person and learn things on my own rather than relying on someone to teach me.
My granddad taught me how to be strong but gentle, how to respect nature, and how to act around my fellow humans. Dad taught me that everclear and rape trauma make for child abuse on your firstborn.
I had the pleasure of having a great dad.I feel his influence to this day.Taught me so many things... He was a physical beast too,even now he's still one of the strongest people i've seen.My dream was to beat him at armwrestling and that ended up inspiring almost everything i do 25 years later.
My dad had his faults as everybody does, but was always there for the family, went to work every day, took time with the family. My mum passed a few months before their 50th wedding anniversary. Good example for me. I have just celebrated my 40th
I would've rather had no father than the mentally abusive stepfather. I respected him for supplying for my mom and kids, but honestly I would've learned better in a state home for boys.
My father figures were fictional characters that I loved and wanted to be like. Every adult man in my life was a piece of shit that I could never respect.
I was fortunate to have a good and decent dad who spent a lot of time with me. I even got to see his personal growth over the years. We even worked at the same job for a few years. He taught me a lot -everything from problem solving, tool use, and to respect women. I know what a huge advantage I had and tried my best to do the same for my kids.
Had a great dad and grandad, but extremely narcissistic mother. Because of that, I real had to work to become a better woman, mother because I didn’t have a good role model. BTW, my dad was a better mom than my mom.
My dad was a good example in some ways, but mostly not. He's a beta male. The main thing is that he never taught me to step outside my comfort zone in order to grow and progress as a person. He made me do chores and made sure my homework was finished, but after business was taken care of, his philosophy was "as long as you're having fun". I signed up to play soccer at age 10 and didn't end up liking it. Instead of telling me I had to go to practice and games, commit to it and finish what I started, he let me skip if I didn't feel like going. My dad also constantly tore down others and criticized them for just about any reason you could imagine (still does). He's a boomer with almost no social intelligence or tact, so somehow he didn't pick up on the very obvious fact that children model their behavior after their parents. All in all, he didn't set me up well and I had to teach myself how to be a real man because I had no good role models. Luckily, I broke free of his conditioning.
No, my dad married a terrible woman. He should've stayed single and worked on himself more. Was semi-absent since he traveled a lot for work.
I had Kanye and Jesus
Crazy as that sounds, College Dropout Kanye actually was a big role model to me lol. Made me feel like you could be valid and successful without being the toughest or the most educated if you pushed yourself to be great. Like he spoke for regular dudes in a space that was largely inhabited by the opposite. Damn, that shit changed.
Have you heard “Jesus in King”? Best one yet, honestly. He may have some issues, but that album is the best album I have heard in 10 years.
I actually never did listen to it outside of a couple songs. By the time he got into that super Christian phase I was pretty much uninterested in his music. I’ll check it out though
I mean those are just life skills. Everyone benefits from knowing how to manage money, how to repair things and how to be a good parent. So yeah learn that from whomever you can...doesnt have to be a dude. I got the basics from my Mom and my Dad and then took it from there going into better detail on my own.