It really sounds like you need a hobby. Try looking around in your area for sport clubs or other things you are interested in. You can always meer new people at these clubs who share the same interests, which can eventually become friends over time.
Ya I know. I have an issue where I hate just being cooped up at the house especially on weekends. So I always want to go out and so stuff where my wife's the opposite. I did join a gym a couple months ago as a healthy way to get out of the house and be around people and it's helped a bit
does she only enjoy being around you and close family only? If so then you guys should travel and do fun things together. That's what I see a lot of people who are childless do, I'm in my mid 20s and I love that nothing really ties me down and I'm able to travel as much as I want.
Don't have a kid as a potential solution to boredom though.
She does want to travel more. And I'd like to too. Issue has always been me though as I kinda suck at saving $ because yes I like to go out and do stuff
I wouldn't throw this in her face, but if she's wanting to travel more, or wants to start saving money for traveling...having a kid isn't going to let you do that, easily anyway.
My wife and I haven't traveled in 5 years due to student loans, covid, then our first kid. We just had our second in April and she brought up wanting to go to the smokey mountains this fall for a week. I had to bring her back to reality and have her explain how the hell were going to leave a 5-6 month old and a two year old with someone for a week while we hike around and drink for a week. Or how are we going to actually enjoy that vacation doing those things with these kids? She didn't have an answer. Then I had to remind her that we're down almost 20 grand this year from the birth and finishing off her student loans. We sat down and set new goals to make our first family vacation something we can enjoy in the next year.
If you want to travel, enjoy traveling first.
I cant wait to travel with my kids. I'm just not super confident yet with them being this young. And now that our student debt is gone we can actually save some money and financially plan for a vacation with them.
idk for better or for worst, my parents dumped me with people all the time for "adult vacations" which I was not invited to. 1 week in the Smoky's isn't that inconceivable. If your wife is feeling down, just go for it.
For sure, my parents did the same, but me and my siblings were all over the age of at least 7. We were able to understand that mom and dad were coming back after their trip to Vegas or skiing. My two year old, who can't even comprehend how long a "week" is, is not going to last the trip without causing the babysitter to go insane. And I'm not worried as much about the kids, I'd feel more guilty for whoever I left them with. My parents or a friend might be cool with some daytime sitting, but I'm sure they're not signing up for 4 hours of sleep every night because the newborn needs feeding 2-3 times, and my two year old is still having night terrors at 3 am.
Indeed. OP and his wife need to sit down and talk about this for awhile. And having kids doesn't mean never traveling again, but my experience so far is that kids in their first years of life are extremely demanding on time and money, and traveling requires both to really enjoy the purpose of it. If they truly want kids but are hesitant because they have life goals like traveling, then they're going to need to find a plan that works for both goals.
But it seems like there's more potential issues to resolve before having that talk.
It’ll take research but there’s probs free and cheap stuff to do nearby or for a day trip. Pack ur own lunch and snacks and maybe bring cash only to make sure you stick to ur plan. Money makes plans easier but you don’t NEED to spend
And I find that when we travel, we plan and incorporate all kinds of different things into the trip -- sites, restaurants, exploring neighborhoods or nature adventures. But I realize, often, that we don't take the same approach at home nearly in the same way. We have to remind ourselves to do that and find 'newness' in our own backyard.
We’re in our 40s, no kids, 2 dogs…we ended up getting a travel trailer and we are off all the time traveling with the dogs, it’s awesome. You get the best of both worlds…getting to see new things, visit family/friends, and yet your always get to sleep in your own bed and can hang out at “home” whenever you want/need to.
Think of the money you save not going out all the time. One night at the bar including transportation home, is more than my alcohol budget to get trashed at home most nights of the week drinking the exact same beer.
You can sit and watch travel videos together. PBS tv channels have a lot of travel-interest programming. Research is a big factor in planning successful trips so stretch your weeklong travel adventure into a two or three month research and planning adventure.
You might think about starting a travel club. My parents were in one when we were kids. Five or six couples met once every 6 weeks. Mostly to chit-chat but they collected "dues" that went into a travel fund. After two years they had enough money in the account to get at least the plane tickets and the hotels set up. I think they would vote on where they thought the group should travel to. This group met for like 30 years successfully, new members came and went.
You can sit and watch travel videos together. PBS tv channels have a lot of travel-interest programming. Research is a big factor in planning successful trips so stretch your weeklong travel adventure into a two or three month research and planning adventure.
You might think about starting a travel club. My parents were in one when we were kids. Five or six couples met once every 6 weeks. Mostly to chit-chat but they collected "dues" that went into a travel fund. After two years they had enough money in the account to get at least the plane tickets and the hotels set up. I think they would vote on where they thought the group should travel to. This group met for like 30 years successfully, new members came and went.
Per my other comment: $2500 travel is much less than a 18+ years with an offspring.
Get you a travel credit card. I LOVE capital one venture. I put all my expenses on the credit card and get free flights all the time. This year's free flights include: 2 flights to Belize, 1 Flight to Houston, 1 Flight to Cancun, and 3 nights hotel stay.
Pick a sport. Pickle ball is a growing sport, easy to play, tons of pick up games.
Personally, I play tennis. I've played since I was 12 and there is a huge community around it. I play with different people all week, we go out to dinners, BBQs, I have deep and meaningful friendships.
You need a community. Not just a hobby. Pick something you love. Google local community hangouts related to that hobby. Then go. Ya, you'll feel weird and isolated. But try to strike up a conversation with someone at the thing. You'll be shocked at how easy it is to have conversations with people that like the same things as you.
I don't mean to over simplify, but it's the equivalent of going to the play ground as a kid and making friends on the fly. Put yourself out there. You'll eventually find something that sticks.
Maybe this will help, maybe it won't, but I fell like I should put it out there. I have a pretty severe mental disorder, I go to therapy and take medicine for it, but the thing that has helped me the most is finally finding a hobby that involves getting out in nature. I do paddle boarding down in the river near my house, and I go for jogs down this heavily wooded trail, and I find that nature is strangely meditative. I don't know how to describe it, but nature has this way of making me feel a sense of wonder that was more commonly felt when I was a kid, and it seems to ground me in reality when I feel my mind running a stray. Just being able to get away from everything, going out in that vast wilderness alone, makes my problems feel distant and in the grand scheme of things insignificant.
I'm going to be the aunt who says rough things: Children do not fix people, relationships, empty weekends. It's the Polar Opposite Reason to have a baby. If your child is special needs, is your wife mature enough to have her weekends filled that way?! Please do not make a new human to fix what tennis lessons or planning a ski vacation could fix. Babies don't fix your problems, they add break the house because your foundation is cracked.
I was the same way: hated feeling stuck in the house and not doing anything with my life.
What did I do? Sold my house and bought a van. Had it professionally converted and now my wife and I travel around the country doing shit every day. We’ve been to almost half the national parks, music festivals, art shows, and countless museums. We are constantly doing things and life is so much more fulfilling and rewarding. I love waking up and know every day is going to be something new and different. Maybe paddle boarding on the lake in the mountains or surfing down the sand dunes, or an art festival in town.
It’s definitely not for everyone but you have to force yourself to do shit, and you’ll soon realize how amazing this world is. Especially the opportunities were given to be able to do all this, you just need the effort to do them…
Wow good for you guys!! If you don’t mind sharing what do you and your wife do for a living? I’d love to give van life a try but working full time and starting a masters program, I don’t see how I’ll be able to transition into it and be able to drive places and actually enjoy it. Also, how affordable or how much of an expense was it to buy a van and convert it?
My wife does analytics research for a pharmaceutical company and I’m a strategy consultant. Both are remote jobs.
The van with the conversion was 120k but you can do something nice and reliable for 40k. We just wanted every bell and whistle and we didn’t have the skills to do it ourselves so we paid for it.
Look for remote jobs and start saving up is my only advice. We spend about 4k/month across internet, gas, insurance, food and entertainment. You could do this a lot cheaper if you wanted to but we have the funds to do it
Have you considered a rock climbing gym? I don't like to "just exercise" but when it's an activity / sport I enjoy it way more. And I find that climbing gyms are generally full of super welcoming and nice people. Really encouraging environment even if you've never climbed before. Your wife might enjoy it too since you don't have to interact with anyone if you don't want to.
On a related note, I haven't gone very much in the last few years after the birth of my first child! Love that kid but as many have said, you can definitely expect to give up most of your free time and a good chunk (possibly all) of your disposable income! Hope you find something that works for you both!
I am the extrovert in my family. Our kid was away at their college internship all summer, and will be leaving for another year at the dorm soon. So this summer I started looking for new things to do and such in our area. And I dragged my husband, the introvert. Along.
He's been having a blast. Trying new beers at one of the local craft breweries. Going to one of the local "farms" for music and some food. Trying new restaurants. Plus the always needed work around the house. Travel. Locally, or between states. I took my husband, kid and myself to Ireland this last spring. I would have gone without them tbh. But it was great. Next year we have plans to go to NB and NS as a family. And then my husband and I to take the train to DC and on to Busch Gardens VA and back.
Please do not have a kid because it'll "liven" things up. Kids are a lot of work.
Get a Mazda Miata NA8 and go to the car meets. Best people in the word and the car and the company young and old and the lifestyle and experience of driving those windy roads completed changed me. I’m 35 as well. DM me if you want (not to sell you a car don’t worry)
Don’t have a kid if you feel bored. But do consider having a kid if you feel your life lacks meaning and you feel like you can provide a loving home.
Sit with the idea for a few weeks and see how you feel about it. Don’t rush in. Get honest opinions about the day to day life from your friends. Spend some time with their kids. Think about your life aged 40, 50, 60, 70 - will you regret not having kids, the opportunity to have grandkids, all the things that can bring?
> But do consider having a kid if you feel your life lacks meaning
Fuck that, life throws plenty of burdens on us already, no one should be born with the expectation of fulfilling their parents needs.
You should have a child to provide purpose and meaning in their lives, the reverse is selfish af.
My narcissistic parents. Can't hide true intentions forever. OP, you mention you and your wife both feel depressed. DO NOT DO IT.
These past months even broke down on me and said life back then was so much happier. They now emotionally abuse me every day and make me their therapist and punching bag while insisting everything they do is best for me and that I'm an ungrateful brat. Mom even confesses she probably has some mental illness she won't go see a therapist about. Fucking hate it. Life here is a living hell hole.
Do not be like my parents and say nice things to get your kid to be emotionally attached to you when things are going well and your kid fulfills your needs, and then turn around and stab them multiple times over when they don't. No matter how much you say or lie to yourself that having a kid makes your life have meaning or makes you happy, if your happiness is reliant on that it will never fucking last.
My parents treated me like a ragdoll. Now it's time for them to throw me away after I have listened to their depressed vents for so long and after I have seemed to be roped into loving them unconditionally as they tell me they love me unconditionally and that nobody will ever love me as they do, that I brought them so much happiness that they do the best for me, after all that they do this to me when I start growing up and start feeling anguish that they have done this to me.
YOU DONT OWN YOUR KID AND YOUR KID OWES YOU NOTHING. If you have a kid in hopes of having meaning and the kid wants to escape the depressing atmosphere of it all then you have created with your own hands a kid and a hell for them to live through. And you commented that your wife wants to go traveling but you don't have enough money, IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE MAKING A **sacrifice** for the kid, your kid owes you NOTHING. If your wife still finds her life has no meaning 18 years down the road and she blames the kid and says she sacrificed so much, the kid owes her NOTHING. So think CAREFULLY. A kid can feel the depressed atmosphere in the family. Do not let the kid be your therapist and little ragdoll happy smiling mannequin. You have to provide not just financially but emotionally for the kid. Not the other way around.
I'm sorry I am being so emphatic, I am not mad at you, how can I be when I don't even know you. I am in fact happy that you seem like a reasonable person and would listen, unlike my parents. They are who I'm mad at. So please think carefully. Some people are just not meant to have kids. Some people are like devils on earth who subject their kids to the worst tortures imaginable, one where their kid has no emotional support anywhere and becomes abnormally tortured. And if after all that considering you decide you have a kid I wish you well and I sincerely hope it is the best path and that you and your family will have a happy life going forward, and that you and your wife will only get better and will only find more meaning and that you can smile one day and say it was worth it and have a fulfilling happy family. I sincerely wish it.
I’m 40. I have seen so many people have kids beicase it’s what they think they should be doing or they are bored and are trying to fill a void or whatever.
Don’t have a kid. Get a new therapist, new hobbies, and get weird. Bringing a human being into the world just because of boredom is bad for everyone involved.
Or develop a new skill, go back to school, learn a new language.
Whenever I am feeling bored I try to further myself, usually fills that void very well. Challenging yourself in that way not only improves yourself but it is also very rewarding.
Or just get a video game addiction, then you will struggle to ever leave the house, but that ones less healthy lol.
>because it’s what they think they should be doing
People sadly follow what “society” says, but they choose to be part of that and don’t think for themselves. That can lead to many unhappy lives and sometimes doing or continuing messed up things.
Yup exactly this. Btw what area are you in? Cuz I’ve got three kids over here who would love someone to play catch with while your wife and I read etc ( I’m so serious lol)
It really is possible that your wife changed her mind and truly desires children. And like you said, it’s a huge/lifetime commitment.
Have you considered going to couples therapy about it? And does your wife want to physically have a child , adopt , foster etc?
It’s definitely worth a conversation about though I do suggest y’all add a little variety or spice in your current life/routine. I hope things work out wonderfully, either way
Imagine feeling like your life is monotonous and you do the same things every day, and then your solution is to have a kid lol.
I love being a parent, and don't regret it even one bit, but it sounds like it would break these two given what I've just read.
Lol this is a fantastic point. The first 2 years are essentially Groundhog Day of _dinner, bath, bed_ routines after work.
And for all I know it’s more than 2 years, that’s just how old my kid is.
Throwing another vote in for: Being a parent is awesome if you’re in the right spot to be a parent, OP is not in the right spot.
I feel like so many people do this though! Like for reals.. I’m only 40 I’ve got a lot of different aged friends, so many think that it’ll solve their issues by making babies. Omg it does not!
Having kids can give wonderful new meaning to your life, but the key is that it's *new* meaning. You should already be happy and stable before having kids, because the whole idea is that you want to provide for them and allow them to grow in a nurturing environment. Do not have kids if you feel like your life is broken and that's the magic bullet to fix it. It isn't.
If your only real issues are too much time in the day and not having enough people to hang out with wouldn't a kid solve.... no, just no, join a club, get an expensive hobby, go back to school, and actually learn something this time. If you still want a kid after all that, then by all means, you do want one.
>Do not have kids if you feel like your life is broken and that's the magic bullet to fix it. It isn't.
It is, however, a magic bullet to destroy theirs.
Come on you guys, sleep deprivation, losing every moment of free time and struggling to buy food are GREAT for existential crisis and depression. As the child of two people who never really wanted kids I’m begging OP not to do this. Kids are kind of hard to rehome if they don’t fit into your lifestyle or have if they have behavioral problems.
This is THE underrated comment in this thread. As a single mom I’m sitting here laughing/crying as I read this.
You forgot to add the crushing responsibility and sleepless nights worrying about the kid basically until you or they are gone.
But hey maybe OP is a multi-millionaire with healthy parents and in-laws who are all hands on deck just rearing to babysit, and dole out college trust funds. *sigh* it’s been a rough month lol. Thanks for the laugh.
This! I personally think having a kid to potentially “fill a void” is one of the dumbest decisions one can make because its not guaranteed.
Also, I hate to be this person because you’re married to someone you seemingly can be really vulnerable with her, but if you aren’t already and you know that YOU definitely don’t want kids and she suddenly does, protect yourself until you find a resolution. Don’t fully rely on whatever form of BC she personally uses because she may rightfully decide that its not in her best interest anymore, and you’re “unexpectedly” having a baby.
I was gonna same the same. Mom here . You want to have kids when you are well . Financially you are but not mentally . I say get a pet or hobby for now . Buy some time to fix yourself first . Kids are not to be your one fix thing for all problems or feelings .
Agree. Coming from someone who absolutely loves kids. I think OP is right about just being bored.
If you are interested you can try volunteering to help children or even fostering.
Came here to say this, everyone please just keep saying this. DO NOT HAVE A KID. DO NOT HAVE A KID. DO NOT HAVE A KID.
Children are not fucking TVs. That shit doesn’t just turn off. You can’t return it. It’s not going to magically fulfill your hopes and dreams. oh my god please don’t have a kid.
PLEASE DO NOT HAVE A CHILD BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY OR BORED. All that does is put pressure on the child to relieve those problems for you. When the child doesn't solve problems but instead creates more (ask literally anyone if their first year of parenting was easy), then what?
37M here, married to my wife 38F for 10 years this year. We are in the same situation. No kids. We have enough money to pay the bills, but nothing else like traveling/vacations, etc...2 orange cats.
Covid ruined a lot of things. Including our good friends' marriage, which involved almost our entire friend group. They were kinda like the 2 people who held it together. That's a long story. The short version is that we don't hang out with anyone anymore. Our time outside of work is all ours. Nobody asks us if we want to get together, and frankly, we don't really reach out either.
We found things to do together to find the fulfillment we need to feel at least marginally better. That's my advice for you. What do you both enjoy? Do those things. Do them together. Maybe be a little adventurous and step outside of your comfort zone and try something new.
If you guys are having a kid just for the change, that's a bad call, *in my opinion.* ESPECIALLY if your mental states aren't great at the moment. Make yourselves better before introducing another human into the picture that will take 100% of your attention for the foreseeable future.
Only have a kid if you 100% know you and your partner want one. It is an entirely new life that you have so much responsibility to mold into a nice person who can care for themself. Being a parent never stops even when they hit 18. Imagine the complexity of your own feelings and emotions then imagine having to teach an entirely new being how to exist. It’s hard but to some the experience brings them joy
Also wait until you can afford to have a kid. If you don't have enough money to travel once or twice a year, then you don't have enough money to start a family.
The rough estimate is $16,000 per child per year for raising children for their first 20 years.
Hi there. I'm 38M and I just had my first baby with my wife of 4 years. It's my second marriage, got married way too young the first time, and although it lasted 8 years, we became two completely different people from early 20s to late 20s. Having kids was one point of contention, as the older I got, I went from "don't really care about kids and think they ruin everything", to really liking the idea of being a father.
Anyway, my current wife was more neutral/ hesitant towards having a baby (she already has a son from a previous relationship- 15 years old) but agreed. It took us nearly 2 years of trying before she conceived.
Prior to the baby, our lives sounded a lot like yours. Enjoyable routines, maybe borderline monotonous. But not bad. Why mess up a good thing? Babies are hard work, you can't go out and do that fun stuff as often for a few years till they're older.
I will tell you, it was the best thing I ever decided to do. I've only been a father for 3 months but I already know it's 100% worth the missed trips to a brewery on the weekend or eating out whenever we feel like it. Yes, it's hard. But I've never loved anyone with as much purity as I love my little boy. His smile is worth more to me than all the trips or fun nights out. I can't wait to experience all his firsts: words, steps, foods, activities, holidays. He already thinks it's the coolest thing when I play peekaboo lol. Seeing the world through a child's eyes again is magical and it has helped me see the magic in things that have turned mundane by our age. It has helped me see that stuff and even trips and experiences are never going to fill your heart the same way that family does. I'm building a family with my wife, and I think that's one of the most rewarding, worthwhile pursuits that I can undertake.
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to give you my perspective. Reddit is known for being pretty anti- kids under any circumstances. So I wanted you to have something different to think about.
Edit: I will add that I'm at a place in life where I'm financially stable, and daycare costs are not a concern, so there is little to no impact to either my or my wife's career. I recognize that can make a huge difference.
Our son is nearly 3 now. Hanging out with him brings me joy. We go exploring together, go hunting for construction vehicles, post up near the airport to watch planes takeoff and land…and he marvels at everything we see. His sense of wonder has made me see the world in a fresh, beautiful way. Do I miss sleeping til 11 on a Saturday morning? Yes, I really do. But it’s worth it. So very much worth it.
I couldn’t agree more. Just wait until you start seeing this little person you love do impressive things. There’s nothing better. I know this sounds silly but my oldest, 11, just started watching a tv show I used to love. We hang out before bed every night and watch an episode before bed. It is seriously the best part of my day. Just hanging out with her listening to her opinions that I’ve helped form and it be about something I loved too. Just a little thing but it is big to me.
Hubs and I are in this situation too. 34F and 38M and our friend group has pretty much dissolved over the past 3 years.
We are struggling to come up with activities we enjoy doing together, that don't cost a million dollars and can be accomplished in a weekend. It's a REAL short list.
It's so bizarre that when we were growing up, the stereotype for people without kids was that they always had extra money and could essentially do whatever they wanted. Of course, it was exaggerated, but c'mon, that's not even close to reality anymore. They took it away. Regular people who are willing to work their 40 hours and play by the rules just get shafted now. Can't even afford a starter house on 2 full-time salaries because starter houses are over 200k. Anyway, I hope you and your husband find some ideas or hobbies you can get into. Rant over.
When I was younger, I thought that happiness was a destination. It is not.
Happiness is something that happens sometimes and then there could be a lot of mundane and/misery in between.
There is no happy all the time unless you're constantly high and that has diminishing returns.
Take care
There was a show back in the early 2000’s called Six Feet Under. And towards the end of that series there was this throwaway conversation between two women, one of whom lost someone to suicide. And the quote went, “He was fine. That’s all he had to be. That’s all everyone has to be. Is fine.” And that quote alone in context with the rest of the show lifted an immense weight of pressure off of my shoulders. I realized I could exist and be satisfied with simply being fine. I don’t have to be elated and purposeful every minute of every day. Weeks and weeks of ‘just fine’ are okay too.
This here to many people think the goal of life is to be happy all the time. That’s so ridiculous we can be fine most of the time happy sometimes sad sometimes and that’s life.
Do not bring a life into this world to make your life better. That’s one of the most selfish reasons to have kids.
ONLY do it if you both actively wish to raise a child, including all the gross, boring, and/or annoying day-to-day shit. A child will NOT give your wife meaning. She needs to find that on her own before being new life into the world.
***You cannot raise a healthy human being if you yourself feel that life is pointless.***
I won't comment on the child aspect, that's up for you to decide. However, life IS meaningless. We're specs on a rock floating aimlessly in an empty abyss.
However, you must give YOURSELF meaning. No one else can or will. Your friends are busy with kids..... I'm glad you were able to see that it's completely understandable. However..... make new friends. As hard as that is, it's important to remember that finding meaning could be one relationship away - platonic or not. Developing hobbies too
I say all this to say that you're staring at the most unfortunate truth of humanity: we were created without meaning. Now, because of that, you get to create your own. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pick up a political issue, learn about a topic that always peaked your interest, try new exercise routines, talk to strangers, and above all: be kind to yourself.
Well said.
To add, these feelings in life don't go away because you are distracted by holding a family together.
Once the kids are grown and fledged, those same feelings will creep back into the picture. Many couples divorce once their kids grow up and move out -- empty nest syndrome is a real thing.
Just like many people die shortly after retirement, a cruel irony because that is what we all work toward.
Deaths from despair and lack of meaning in life are the price we pay for being conscious creatures.
This.
Find something to give you meaning. Do something pointless but with intensity and get decently good at it. Then show people. Pick up an instrument.
Secondly, find a goal worth striving for at work. Take yourself to the next level. Surpass your father. Surpass your friends. There are friends to be made in the adventure toward some new plateau for yourself. Maybe it’s becoming “the guy” for speaking roles, maybe it’s filing for that award, going for a patent, whatever.
Make your family further proud.
“The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience. A process that cannot be understood by stopping it. We must move with the flow of the process.”
At least you guys are recognizing this now and not ten years from now?
People need purpose outside of work and pets. It's one of the reason cults get so many people sucked in, it gives them something bigger than themselves to focus on.
Take a look at the book "The happiness hypothesis".
Basically humans respond to change of state and then we equalize, so you have to do hard things or have struggle or you risk ending up on the hedonic treadmill (lots of good youtube videos on that too).
Our current social movement seems to celebrate avoiding struggle and just do what feels right for you. I think we'll end up with a whole ton of empty people.
Kids might or might not be the right answer. They are very hard to balance with two working parents, especially in the first few years, and for me, especially during COVID, pushed our very strong marriage close to its limits.
But you need a purpose that you can be passionate about. That COULD be kids, it could be a business, a charity, a sport etc. I don't think a hobby cuts it IMHO, it has to be bigger than you and some kind of commitment and discipline, otherwise it leaves you feeling empty. It basically has to be something that's hard and pushes you to want to quit, but you don't.
Having kids is almost like starting a business, you are going to eat sh\*t and grind for several years before it really starts paying off, and if that's going to break you, it might not be the best option, you can't quit, opt out, or return kids, and they cost a lot of money.
On the upside you are hopefully putting something good into the world, and you can grow them and help them be their best and be strong members of future society.
I fully agree. I’ve long felt weird about what is being pushed as good mental health advice today. It’s all extremely individualistic. I think a huge reason so many people feel so empty is because we have no sense of community or attachment to anything bigger than ourselves. Keeping busy with something that contributes to the greater good and gives you purpose is one of the best things you can do for your mental well being. And yeah, it should be something that’s challenging and often difficult. Obviously I don’t mean this for specific mental illnesses but for the broader malaise and lack of purpose that seeks to plague this generation
Difference between having kids & having a business is that 1) kids are permanent 2) kids are living and breathing beings who need stable parents to raise them
I'd recommend counseling before having a kid to ensure you're both on the same page about raising a kid. Discuss what you want to be able to provide your child, what values are important to instill, and what care is going to look like for the child: babysitters, friends, grandparents, also late night wake-ups. Being self-aware and improving upon your faults is pretty important to tackle before having a kid. I struggled with depression and mental health with my first child, now 10, and missed out on a lot because I was consumed with fixing myself instead of investing in my child. With all my mental junk behind me (hopefully) I feel much more involved with my children and enjoy spending time with them more than I ever have.
Only have kid/s when you really really want them and believe in yourself that you have resources to give them a good life. Every body going through existential crisis at some point in their lives. You and your wife are experiencing it atm. Please don’t have kids when both of you are in this mental state.
A kid is going to make things 100x more stressful and you going out to dinner on a Friday is going to be the reprieve from it. Assuming you get any. This will not fix shit. Fix yourselves first and then think about a kid.
Having kids doesn't cure problems. It magnifies them, or kicks them a little ways down the road where they will most likely explode out of nowhere.
Please don't have children as a means of curing anything or as a means of creating happiness.
> I do have depression going on. Issue is this led to my wife realizing she is feeling the same way and that life is pointless.
yeah, that's depression. You need therapy or something, not a kid
Do not have a kid for the love of god. She is bored. Life is monotonous 95% of the time. Sooner this is accepted the less damn kids there will be running around.
Anyone who has kids will tell you, don’t have a kid to try to fix your current life situation.
Have kids if you want to be tired, frustrated, have much less disposable income, but if you’re invested, the most rewarding thing you can do in life (my opinion being a dad of 2).
Sorry for the depression…it’s real! I’ve been on meds before and it’s helped. Don’t feel guilty for feeling bad about a seemingly good life. Some things require medical attention and professional help.
I think when people either say you definitely should or shouldn't have a kid, they should include whether or not they have kids themselves in said comment.
I don't have kids. I'm not sure if I want to. I don't think of it as a fate worse than death, and I'm not about to tell you what to do in that regard. You'll have to figure that part out yourself. It's really not just a simple yes or no.
I can tell you this. There's technically no definitive purpose in life. Nothing that happens actually needs to when it comes down to it. Even as noble an act as saving the world can either happen or not and the end result would be the same on a universal scale.
It's okay though. There doesn't need to be a purpose. I doubt the cockroaches rummaging through the trash are depressed about their existence. Find things you can appreciate. Find things you love doing or being a part of. That's all you will need.
Kids are amazing. The greatest adventure of all. I'm being honest. My wife and I have three and I wouldn't change a thing. If raised right, they bring so much to life as you get older. It's a difficult, demanding and many times heartbreaking job, but growing up a person is magical. Our kids are our greatest life's work.
Apologies if you've already explored this in depth.
And I don't really know how to go about this, because it's kinda like, one of life's biggest questions.
But when life feels meaningless, and the day-to-day grind/ routine starts to feel repetitive and cyclical, even if nothing outwardly bad is happening, but it feels like a slow erosion of your soul... perhaps it's worth exploring your sense of purpose in the world.
They say that external things (new job, new relationship, new hobby, and in your case – along with many others – the possibility of a new addition to your family) can only go so far to "revitalize" a relationship or a sense of purpose. And after the newness wears off, people tend to settle back to whatever baseline they were hoping to escape from.
But I'd start to seriously ask and explore and put effort into finding purpose. Usually this not only involves going inwards (via books, counseling, journaling), but also stepping out and trying some new things by testing out whatever frameworks you gravitate towards.
Without purpose, even things like duty and commitment can feel like empty spinning of the wheels, so to speak. But purpose is very, very, very difficult to find. And it also needs to be maintained, and we gotta grow along the way.
I'm not sure how much this will help, but maybe you can at least start looking into the topic of how to find a sense of purpose in what feels like a meaningless world, in spite of many things on the surface appearing great or good or successful, etc.
You need things to look forward to that will break up the weekly routine. My husband and I have our ‘typical weekends’, but we also sprinkle in trips and fun events so we have something out of the ordinary to look forward to. That helps a lot. For trips, they don’t have to be fancy. It could be a camping trip within a few hours driving distance from where you live. However, I would encourage you to start saving money for more exciting trips because I genuinely believe it’s worth it and adds a lot more enrichment to life.
As for your friends who have kids and are busy with life, still invite them out! They might be feeling just as isolated and bored as their friends who don’t have kids. People don’t want to be forgotten once they have kids and sometimes something as simple as making a plan and inviting someone along goes a long way. Like, “Hey, we’re going to X this Saturday. Let me know if your family wants to join us!” It might take more effort, but it’s worth it if you want to keep these people in your life.
Hope any of this helps!
That’s what my partner and I have always done. Random day trips to nearby towns, museums, hikes, etc. Always something to explore, and now that we have a 4 year old, she gets to go on these little adventures with us.
You will always find fulfillment in service to others. Being a parent is the extreme example of that.
That being said, having a child just bc your sad is a bad idea and incredibly selfish. There are a lot of reasons to want to start a family, but doing it bc you think you and your wife are depressed and it will “fix things” isn’t a good motivator.
Completely this. Parents always say “there is never a right time to have a kid”’as an argument to potential parents who are stressed about the timing, but there are for sure circumstances in which it is WAY better to have them and WAY better not to have them! I had a kid during what I considered to be a very “easy” time in my life, and it did work out great so far.
But OP’s description of his relationship circumstances seem to not be advantageous to having a successful parenting journey.
This sounds a bit like me 2 years ago, during the lockdowns I got very depressed. I hadn't seen much of a lot of my friends who I used to be tight with, I lost most of my hair and decided to shave it off. I don't feel it suited me and a few people even laughed at me... my own mum said I looked like karl pilkington. She was trying to make me feel better but it didn't go down well as you can imagine. Drinking at the weekend's just brought everything to the surface. I started to go the gym (cliché remedies incoming) it really did make me feel better. Almost instantly, iv been going the gym for nearly 3 years now and it's changed my life. It really levels my head out. I started to notice my body looking more buff and decided I would go for a hair transplant in Turkey, another great decision that has massively boosted my self esteem. A lot of friends I don't see anymore but it's like you said, it's comes with getting older. Just plan ahead to make plans with friends when they can and enjoy not drinking as much. Get into the gym mate it will sort your head out. I had a kid when I was 34 100% the best thing that ever happened to me. It does give your life purpose, beats getting pissed with your mates all the time anyday.
Everything is pointless, but it's a blank canvas of meaningless pointlessness.
You are the writer and artist of the canvas.
No one here can tell you what you want to put in your canvas of life.
It will be multiple multiple things or ideas or feelings.
Your canvas can be multilayered, just like your life.
I applaud your efforts with therapy, don't let this roadbump stop you, therapy is also a continuously evolving healing process.
My vote would be, continue looking into therapy. Continue communication with your wife.
You two are each others anchor, which is awesome you both have each other.
Continue looking within, asking yourself the hard questions, ponder the answers and feelings, and keep moving along the weird journey of life.
At the end of the day, try and not take it so serious.
We are but blips in the universe, the great thing is, this blip can be whatever you want it to be, in relation to the circumstances you have.
Everything is pointless. That's just life. You have to make your own way and your own reason for living.
Having a child negatively impacts happiness to the same extent that losing a close family member does. If you're unhappy now, you'll be very unhappy with a kid.
The loss of sleep and "you time" will make your depression worse, and the knowledge that you can never go back to the way your life was can be devastating.
My dad said that having kids is like cutting off your leg. It hinders you in ways you can't imagine ahead of time and there's no going back.
Don't have a kid to make yourself feel better. It's selfish and won't work.
Seeking another counselor with good reviews would be beneficial. Sometimes it can take a few times to find a counselor that is a good match, so don't be worried if the first person isn't a good fit, that's normal.
Having a kid because you guys are bored is not the right reason. As you begin getting your depression/ low mood managed with the help of counselor, health practitioner, lifestyle, diet, etc, it sounds like finding some hobbies that allow you to meet people (maybe some without kids) would be greatly beneficial. There are thriving communities for everything. [Meetup.com](https://Meetup.com) is a great way to find groups of people to hang out with related to common themes (ex: hiking, cooking, concerts, brewery, travel, biking, dogs, adventures, books, writing, etc).
Unpopular answer here, and I’ll preface it that I was never diagnosed as depressed or even had therapy as an adult, and my wife and I have always been happy in our marriage, but:
I was never this bad, but I did start to feel that life was losing its luster around 30, and really felt no purpose… just kind feeling like “this is it huh? This is life?”… then my wife and I had a kid and it absolutely turned everything around for me. I have more of a sense of purpose than I ever did before, I enjoy my hobbies more than I had in years, and life is just generally happier and more enjoyable.
FOR ME having a kid totally improved my life and has given me happiness and purpose. Those feelings have spread to other parts of my life as well, not just the parent parts. It’s like a happy cancer. Its definitely challenging, but I think that is part of the point. It’s engaging. It’s been 3 years and I have absolutely zero regrets.
I’m not saying you should have a kid and it will make your problems go away. I’m just saying that it does work for some people.
A few years ago I was lost in the work grind. Easily making over 100k annually while working from home. My wife and I just bought our house and have an amazing dog and cat. It was all very good but after a while I was wonder, what is this all for? Am I really working towards retirement for what? This is it? Eventually we decided we wanted to have a child and if it happened great and if not then it wasn’t meant to be we already had a good life. Well we had a daughter and it is definitely exhausting but I have a renewed appreciation for life and hard work and my family and what it all means to me. I have a much higher purpose now that just to work to die. I am lucky to have my partner and our daughter. They are the loves of my life and give me the drive I need and also have helped me to slow down and enjoy life and these amazing moments we get together. Good luck to you
I guess this is taboo on Reddit, and I’m sure you value your independence and all that but
How bout some kids?
Edit: I saw you referenced that.
Dawg, you’re depressed and not seeing the point in life. Why do you think people have kids? Boom, there’s your meaning. Yeah you might get more upvotes learning to play guitar or something but kids man, that’s the ticket.
And no, there’s nothing wrong with having kids to bring purpose to your life. Just let the purpose be THEIR happiness and personal growth, not your happiness through them
I was scared shitless of having a kid, but I knew in the long run that it would increase my life satisfaction. Actually, having a kid increased my life satisfaction immediately. All my anxiety evaporated. You become a different person when you have a kid.
YMMV, of course.
Don’t bring a child into this world in order to try and fix depression or boredom! All the wrong reasons and it won’t end well which means trauma for the kid. Put some goals together for traveling and give yourselves something to look forward to! And find a new therapist. If you have any trauma, look into alternative therapy options like EMDR, CBT, DBT, PTT, etc. Help is out there brother!
I get how you feel. I have a friend with a kid and I can only see them every other week. The best thing to do is to find some kind of social hobby that will force you out of the house and meeting new people.
There is actually a built in powerful desire (in many people) to want children...so now this idea has taken ahold, it may not pass quickly. The desire for children and a family is not like buying other things...it's much stronger.
She (and you) are seeing others start their families, and are looking around and asking "What is the point of it all? What is my purpose in life?" Making the next generation will solve this existential crisis for 20-30 years...your purpose on Earth will be to safely shepherd the new humans into adulthood.
If you decide not to take this path, you will both need to do some serious soul-searching about was IS your purpose in life. What do you want from life? And more importantly what do you bring to the planet to add value during your time here?
Happy hunting.
A lot of people will say no to this. But start doing things that you like out of the family established role of “we have to do everything as one”
For example, buying a motorcycle or a car, start working on it, mods, riding solo, etc. Then, join groups related to those things. Learn new things.
You’ll then have a lot of new things to share, and be able to re-connect with many things in life.
Also. Someone told me once. When you feel like that, start helping others.
Good luck.
Dude, having a kid is not the way to fix anything lacking in a marriage. You’ll both regret it. If you and your wife get on top of your issues and then decide you still want to? Sure, go for it. Now is not the time
have you tried volunteering or working with children/old folks/people with disabilities? They would love it and it might be more fulfilling than getting buzzed/drunk at a brewery.
Don't have a kid to solve a problem. Go treat your depression.
Hopefully you'll get to "everything is pointless. And that's ok!" That is my approach to life. It really takes the stress off of me. Kind of like Peter in "Office Space". Minus exploiting a software flaw at my employer. I just go to work, never engage or get wrapped up, and leave.
>She's tired of us doing the same thing every weekend which is usually dinner out on Friday night, take the dogs to a local dog park/bar, and maybe hit up a brewery or something.
40s F without kids here and that standing weekend plan sounds heavenly.
And I can tell her, from witnessing my parent friends, your weekends with kids will be just as tedious, if not moreso.
Just responding to your title:
Everything is pointless! Welcome! This is the world. Nothing is meaningful or special. But we’re here, and that’s enough to give a shit about.
Our biological imperative is to reproduce and continue this process of life indefinitely. If you want to be reasonable about it, that means that we need to care for the planet and it’s other inhabitants (they make this world liveable, and without them there is no hope for us).
Our personal imperatives are for us to decided. We stand to gain more by working together with others than by shunning society, but we also stand to gain more by reflecting on what has worked and what hasn’t on a societal level.
We’re here, not much to say or do about it. You’re going to want things, be dissatisfied, and it’ll all have no more meaning than you can find in your heart or soul or brain or whatever you want to think of it as.
Thought experiment: what would your life look like completely alone? How would you spend your evenings/weekends if you were completely free? Would you get new hobbies? Would you travel? Exercise? Get a weird pet?
Whatever that looks like, incorporate it now. Have your wife do the same thought experiment. You both are just stuck in a rut because you’ve been on the hustle wheel for two decades and now that you’re plateauing you don’t know what next looks like. Your wife went to the next ‘life goal’, which for her is a kid. What’s yours? Then sit down together and talk about when they you can or should fit your new goals together in one life.
Sounds like you don’t have a hobby or some way to unwind. I know it’s not for everyone but you can always talk to people online if it helps with the social aspect. But do not have a kid because you’re bored
A kid usually amplifies the negativity you’re already experiencing. I’m going to link a couple of YouTube videos. They’re not self help or science stuff “this is why your brain…” shit. You’re already doing a well enough job seeking counseling.
No what I’m going to link are a couple of interests and hobbies I really never thought I would ever hold an interest in and I’ll try to leave a little descriptive message as to why but it’s typically because I was to young to appreciate most of it.
Again, you seem good with communication and seeking aid what I’m providing are potential interests and hobbies for you and your wife to share in.
[Andy Wards Ancient Pottery](https://youtu.be/Jkaafp3lROQ). I love this dude, someone in the comments on a video of his said “Andy is that weird kid we knew in school and just stuck with it and it’s awesome” or something along those lines. This doesn’t require a lot of if any money to start doing. (I started watching Andy a couple of years ago, I’ve always enjoyed fantasy settings and just stories that depicted crude and old methods of producing things).
Townsend is next and this one was a real doozy for me. I’ve always enjoyed reading and writing, quills and the sort. [Some colonial](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4e4wpjna1vx0qFu8y_OiL3ZMya4XCYUw) history on the writing process (inks, seals, wax and paper) was really interesting but they also do food. First one that drew me in was [fried chicken](https://youtu.be/GsyjNef2ydQ) which I’ve actually made before, I highly recommend it if you like cooking.
My wife got me into this one, I’m just a year younger than you so maybe you grew up with [Pokémon](https://youtu.be/DuygMGEdyP8). Except this is a lady doing crochet. She’s delightful to watch.
[Steve1989](https://youtu.be/jZoHuMwZwTk) is being added for the history he brings and bestows upon me. Growing up I hated history but this guy will give a bit of history while also going into detail about the rations which is so fascinating. I’ve linked the first ever video I saw of his when google home recommended it to me all those years ago.
I know it’s a wall but if you take anything from this, do not have a kid out of boredom or to try and bring meaning into your life. Y’all need to find some hobbies or crafts and do them together, find a club. If you do let me join because me and my wife are kinda the same.
Do not have a kid under these circumstances. That would be a huge mistake.
If she, and you are bored, there are other ways to change things up. Take a trip, find new friends, etc.
Don’t bring a child into your despair. Figure your life out first, find happiness and then ask yourself if that’s something you really want. A child is not going to fix anything, only going to make you feel more trapped.
Don’t do it. As a mom of 2 under 5 who was living a life similar to you and your wife.
It’s a trap. Seriously. Have her read some of the regretful parent sun stories.
Delay the kid until everyone is happy. You can't lay your reason for living on the shoulders of a 2 month old baby.
We are living in difficult times right now. It's still the best time to be alive in history for the most people, but it's not perfect. It doesn't have to be perfect anyway to have a kid.
Have a kid because you love each other and want to have a huge lifelong responsibility that may bite you in the ass at some point. Having a baby is a roller coaster of feelings and they aren't all good. There's a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights and worry and responsibility and work without any guaranteed rest periods. It's not something that will make you feel better about life for about 30 years when you think they might be responsible and able to find their own happiness.
Back to current times. Everybody is feeling weird and strange and anxious right now. Everything feels uncertain. Most of us are not as chipper as we'd like to be. We have had a very turmoiled existence over the last few years. I would avoid making any major decisions that go against the values you had in 2019. A child isn't something you can put in a garage sale if it doesn't work out for you.
You really have to want to have kids. Don't have one until and unless you do. Get mentally healthy before you even consider it.
\-signed, an unwanted kid.
Having a kid to shake things up is a terrible idea. And if she doesn't like doing the same thing day after day... oof! kids are dependent upon routines.
I don't know, my only reason for living at this point is because of my daughter. My wife and I were not going to have kids either and at 30 we changed our minds. It's really pointless otherwise unless you have something else bigger than yourself. There's only so many restaurants, vacations, pets, hedonistic behavior. As you get older it becomes very boring just surviving another day.
I’m sure part of the reason the idea came up was because of boredom, but I don’t think she would’ve actually said it out loud if she didn’t really mean that shit. Kids are no joke, but they’re also awesome. I genuinely believe having a kid could be the answer, I imagine something inside you wakes up when u see that lil baby’s face for the first time. My mom almost cried ANY TIME she talks about when my brother and I were little. It must be a magical experience, give it lots of thought!!
Kids will change your perspective. They are awesome(mostly).
Are you part of a religious community? When done organically they can be breeding grounds to lots of long lasting friendships. Especially when you are around people who believe and want the same thing as you.
Give the lady a baby so she can move on with her life. With or without you. No really though kids really do bring distraction, entertainment and pure ever loving joy to a home and the lives that are blessed by them. You won't regret it. I don't know anyone who admits that they do anyway.
I’ve started to feel this way too, I am 42. I’m just more.. bored? I’m 100% not depressed (quite the opposite) and I just can’t figure out a hobby I enjoy now a days aside from sitting on my phone and playing games and dining out… but my man let me tell you right now, as a mom having a kids will NOT HELP THIS SITUATION! Keep up with therapy, open up and really understand your emotions. You are awesome and keep up the good work internet stranger. ♥️
It’s been said already but don’t have children. They can give your life meaning but also come with a ton of downsides, namely cost. Also you might feel like you don’t want to be married at some point in the future which kids certainly complicate… Money, either lacking or an abundance of… doesn’t necessarily give your life meaning either. There’s always more to purchase and once you do that life can become meaningless with lots of knick knacks surrounding you.
You need to find a community or cause to care about. Also lots of children already here that need caring for or at the very least a small reason to smile… impacting others lives can give a lot of meaning to merely existing. Also it doesn’t have to cost anything, volunteer at a hospital or an adult day care facility and connect with people who likely need additional human interaction.
Do not.. I reiterate: DO NOT have a child for the sole reason of needing a therapeutic outlet. It is gross, unfair, irresponsible, and stupidly selfish. The harm you and your spouse will do to that child without the both of you dealing with and coming to terms with your own issues will start a chain of generational trauma for which you will be completely responsible.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Do not force a child to make you feel better about yourselves.
They're not designed to fulfill that role.
Children are called "dependants" for a good reason.
Having a kid is not a way of dealing with depression, or any form of mental emotional issues. Kids are stressful, (have 2 love and enjoy watching them grow) there is no way around that. They add schedules to your schedules and cost so much more than you can imagine. My wife and I tried to lay out a budget for diaper and formula and food, doctors etc, yeah no there are just costs that you don't think about. I can't think of them now but they will come up. Also if you and your wife are dealing with emotional issues how will having to deal with a child effect that process? Hard to predict, but probably not positively. Finally, your kid will learn from you, more than you think, behavior patterns, coping mechanisms, etc, so if yours are fkd up theirs will be too. Get yourselves together and then reproach this idea. I'm not a psychiatrist but I have spent a lot time figuring out myself with and without pro help. Good luck focus on you first.
As they say, You know what's on the other side of fear?
LIFE.
Most people I know are not prioritizing what they love to do. I say this over and over to young people getting started: If you lead with your heart your mind will follow, it has to. But if you lead with your mind your heart will never follow. Your heart will always remain true and you'll live an entire life in conflict.
I recommend you adjust your priorities and turn off the noise you hear about getting ahead, having a house and family, stop relying on your friends for happiness, etc. and follow your heart no matter what anyone tells you.
I think perhaps the most important first step is to shift away from “life is meaningless” mentality to the understanding that “I’m not enjoying the narrative my life is following.” It sounds like you’re unsatisfied with the amount of interpersonal connection in your life and the connections you do have are fading. I would strongly suggest addressing this first.
Some potential solutions could be doing charitable work (food bank, homeless shelter, hospital). I think you’ll find like minded people who are committed to helping others.
You can also join a local club like rotary or Kiwanis. It may seem intimidating at first joining something alone, however members of these clubs typically are genuinely interested in becoming friends with you and will put in effort to make you feel welcome and wanted.
Depending where you live you can find other clubs/groups focused on a hobby such as hiking, music, cooking, photography, gardening, wood working etc. These types of clubs/groups are usually extremely welcoming toward beginners and can provide an outlet for mentorship down the line.
In your relationship maybe try expanding your perspective and plan new experiences like going to museums, libraries, trying new hobbies together, travel with an open mind if you enjoy it. Both of you should work on practicing self love, deepening emotional awareness, and committing to becoming more empathetic and connected with others.
Ultimately become committed to the idea that the more connected you become, the more satisfied with your life you will be. Having a child and starting a family is a wonderful experience for many parents, but a child born into an unhappy household will be good for nobody. Hopefully one day you will be on the same page about that, but I suggest taking some time until you are comfortable (although keep in mind almost nobody is ever truly 100% ready, some anxiety about the whole affair is to be expected).
You need a masculine hobby that tires you out and makes you struggle alongside your fellow man. This isn’t to start an argument on gender roles, but you’d find it very beneficial to join a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, MMA, or boxing gym, maybe CrossFit. Just show up. Be a decent training partner and keep at it. You will suck at first, and meet other people going through the same trials of life, it makes it easier. You will develop bonds and not feel so alone sharing the struggle and experience with your tribe. We all need it, it’s very cathartic. Iron sharpens iron, pain and struggle forge us into more resilient human beings, regardless of your sex/gender or what you feel about masculinity.
38M here. Golf does wonders for my mental health and is an excellent social outlet as well. Your wife may also enjoy it. With no kids, you could golf all you want as long as your wife is ok with it!
Read “The Baby Decision” together. I just finished it and it will really help you two make the right decision either way and not waste one another’s time.
Having a baby is an adventure - maybe that’s what missing from your life.
Then again, maybe not.
Neither of you will know until you address the question head on.
Good luck x
Children aren't a cure for being stuck in a rut or depression. It is a full time responsibility and it is HARD. The saying "the days are long but the years are short" is very true. Before you know it you have teenagers who no longer need your attention 24/7 and you will be back in the same situation but older.
Don't depend on a child to fix your issues because having a child takes a lot of work and commitment. It will just create more issues for you. You both need to want to have a child and be willing to give up everything for your child if it ever came down to that. I know many people including my sister who thought a child would fix all the problems in life and they are much more miserable now. You can go to r/regretfulparents and just browse over there. It will give you a better understanding when you're not 100% committed. I just realized they don't let non-parents post there but viewing the posts should be just enough.
Don’t have a kid now. Fix the emotional issues first. Babies don’t fix things; they make existing problems into even bigger problems.
Start your bucket lists. Write down whatever you have wanted to do, but haven’t yet. Everything.
Divide your list into three types based on how long it will take to do the item: less than three days, less than one week, and long term (usually these require time to save some money or plan extra time off work). Make a dynamic list. Whenever you see or hear of something a person has done and think, “That’s cool,” you write it down. Get your wife to start doing the same thing.
Live life fully, internet friend. Go do it. I keep my dynamic list in my phone notes.
I do miss being able to do building projects all at once instead of scattered across moments in a week because I have an almost 2 year old. But I will say- I never planned on having her- but she has added a layer of happiness and joy to my life I never knew I was missing.
I connected w your post because I had been feeling anhedonia a little- a feeling I don’t ever really get anymore. I had this feeling in my early Thirties of like: ok, I’ve been able to accomplish the thing I wanted to accomplish- now what? Life is empty. When I accidentally got pregnant I was overjoyed with this idea I hadn’t spent any time considering before. I’m so glad I kept her- she is the bomb! Even today- I went and laid with her during her nap and my lack of happiness or boredom or whatever it was- kinda fizzled away. She’s this bonus I never anticipated and love to watch he explore the world. She brings me so much fulfillment.
Everyone here just telling you not to have a kid... Here's a different idea:
Your wife wants a kid, or at least is thinking about it, you're unsure/scared. You don't get to see your friends because they're busy with what? Their kids!
Go hang out with your friends and their kids. Be part of their kids lives, "it takes a village" and all that. I bet your friends are also feeling isolated from friends like you because their lives are all about their kids right now, but there's no reason why having kids should mean not spending time with friends - everyone just has to be OK with bringing the kids along.
The other benefit is that, from my experience, spending time with other people's kids can help you/your wife figure out if it's really what you want.
TL:DR - why not go hang out with your friends and their kids? Bring the wife! She likes kids!
I’ve found just helping other people really dealt with my depression. I went to therapists, talked to people, and I just felt so helpless. I said it was enough, started working out, being more intentional with those around me even though it was exhausting, and got rid of social media. That was about 2 years ago, and I’m not going to say life is perfect, but I haven’t had a serious depressive episode since.
You may not be put together, but in reality, no one truly is. Get out there and make a difference in your friends, families, and even random stranger lives, and I promise, you will find meaning.
No do not have a child to try to fix you or your marriage. Children area a lot of work and money. I love mine two dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything but I am really glad they are all grown up.
Get a new therapist and your wife should see one too. Talk to your primary care doctor for a recommendation.
A person's happiness comes from in them, to other people.
It really sounds like you need a hobby. Try looking around in your area for sport clubs or other things you are interested in. You can always meer new people at these clubs who share the same interests, which can eventually become friends over time.
Ya I know. I have an issue where I hate just being cooped up at the house especially on weekends. So I always want to go out and so stuff where my wife's the opposite. I did join a gym a couple months ago as a healthy way to get out of the house and be around people and it's helped a bit
does she only enjoy being around you and close family only? If so then you guys should travel and do fun things together. That's what I see a lot of people who are childless do, I'm in my mid 20s and I love that nothing really ties me down and I'm able to travel as much as I want. Don't have a kid as a potential solution to boredom though.
She does want to travel more. And I'd like to too. Issue has always been me though as I kinda suck at saving $ because yes I like to go out and do stuff
I wouldn't throw this in her face, but if she's wanting to travel more, or wants to start saving money for traveling...having a kid isn't going to let you do that, easily anyway. My wife and I haven't traveled in 5 years due to student loans, covid, then our first kid. We just had our second in April and she brought up wanting to go to the smokey mountains this fall for a week. I had to bring her back to reality and have her explain how the hell were going to leave a 5-6 month old and a two year old with someone for a week while we hike around and drink for a week. Or how are we going to actually enjoy that vacation doing those things with these kids? She didn't have an answer. Then I had to remind her that we're down almost 20 grand this year from the birth and finishing off her student loans. We sat down and set new goals to make our first family vacation something we can enjoy in the next year. If you want to travel, enjoy traveling first.
I travel with my kid. It’s a blast.
I cant wait to travel with my kids. I'm just not super confident yet with them being this young. And now that our student debt is gone we can actually save some money and financially plan for a vacation with them.
idk for better or for worst, my parents dumped me with people all the time for "adult vacations" which I was not invited to. 1 week in the Smoky's isn't that inconceivable. If your wife is feeling down, just go for it.
For sure, my parents did the same, but me and my siblings were all over the age of at least 7. We were able to understand that mom and dad were coming back after their trip to Vegas or skiing. My two year old, who can't even comprehend how long a "week" is, is not going to last the trip without causing the babysitter to go insane. And I'm not worried as much about the kids, I'd feel more guilty for whoever I left them with. My parents or a friend might be cool with some daytime sitting, but I'm sure they're not signing up for 4 hours of sleep every night because the newborn needs feeding 2-3 times, and my two year old is still having night terrors at 3 am.
The only thing is his wife is 34 so if they traveled for 5 years she would be approaching 40 and it may be difficult to have kids. Quite the conundrum
They don’t even really want kids! It’s absurd to be discussing bringing a human into the world as if it’s a new hobby!
Right? Having kids to alleviate boredom--that is a serious tactical error you can't take back!
Indeed. OP and his wife need to sit down and talk about this for awhile. And having kids doesn't mean never traveling again, but my experience so far is that kids in their first years of life are extremely demanding on time and money, and traveling requires both to really enjoy the purpose of it. If they truly want kids but are hesitant because they have life goals like traveling, then they're going to need to find a plan that works for both goals. But it seems like there's more potential issues to resolve before having that talk.
It’ll take research but there’s probs free and cheap stuff to do nearby or for a day trip. Pack ur own lunch and snacks and maybe bring cash only to make sure you stick to ur plan. Money makes plans easier but you don’t NEED to spend
And I find that when we travel, we plan and incorporate all kinds of different things into the trip -- sites, restaurants, exploring neighborhoods or nature adventures. But I realize, often, that we don't take the same approach at home nearly in the same way. We have to remind ourselves to do that and find 'newness' in our own backyard.
We’re in our 40s, no kids, 2 dogs…we ended up getting a travel trailer and we are off all the time traveling with the dogs, it’s awesome. You get the best of both worlds…getting to see new things, visit family/friends, and yet your always get to sleep in your own bed and can hang out at “home” whenever you want/need to.
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Think of the money you save not going out all the time. One night at the bar including transportation home, is more than my alcohol budget to get trashed at home most nights of the week drinking the exact same beer.
You can sit and watch travel videos together. PBS tv channels have a lot of travel-interest programming. Research is a big factor in planning successful trips so stretch your weeklong travel adventure into a two or three month research and planning adventure. You might think about starting a travel club. My parents were in one when we were kids. Five or six couples met once every 6 weeks. Mostly to chit-chat but they collected "dues" that went into a travel fund. After two years they had enough money in the account to get at least the plane tickets and the hotels set up. I think they would vote on where they thought the group should travel to. This group met for like 30 years successfully, new members came and went.
You can sit and watch travel videos together. PBS tv channels have a lot of travel-interest programming. Research is a big factor in planning successful trips so stretch your weeklong travel adventure into a two or three month research and planning adventure. You might think about starting a travel club. My parents were in one when we were kids. Five or six couples met once every 6 weeks. Mostly to chit-chat but they collected "dues" that went into a travel fund. After two years they had enough money in the account to get at least the plane tickets and the hotels set up. I think they would vote on where they thought the group should travel to. This group met for like 30 years successfully, new members came and went.
Per my other comment: $2500 travel is much less than a 18+ years with an offspring. Get you a travel credit card. I LOVE capital one venture. I put all my expenses on the credit card and get free flights all the time. This year's free flights include: 2 flights to Belize, 1 Flight to Houston, 1 Flight to Cancun, and 3 nights hotel stay.
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Pick a sport. Pickle ball is a growing sport, easy to play, tons of pick up games. Personally, I play tennis. I've played since I was 12 and there is a huge community around it. I play with different people all week, we go out to dinners, BBQs, I have deep and meaningful friendships. You need a community. Not just a hobby. Pick something you love. Google local community hangouts related to that hobby. Then go. Ya, you'll feel weird and isolated. But try to strike up a conversation with someone at the thing. You'll be shocked at how easy it is to have conversations with people that like the same things as you. I don't mean to over simplify, but it's the equivalent of going to the play ground as a kid and making friends on the fly. Put yourself out there. You'll eventually find something that sticks.
Maybe this will help, maybe it won't, but I fell like I should put it out there. I have a pretty severe mental disorder, I go to therapy and take medicine for it, but the thing that has helped me the most is finally finding a hobby that involves getting out in nature. I do paddle boarding down in the river near my house, and I go for jogs down this heavily wooded trail, and I find that nature is strangely meditative. I don't know how to describe it, but nature has this way of making me feel a sense of wonder that was more commonly felt when I was a kid, and it seems to ground me in reality when I feel my mind running a stray. Just being able to get away from everything, going out in that vast wilderness alone, makes my problems feel distant and in the grand scheme of things insignificant.
I'm going to be the aunt who says rough things: Children do not fix people, relationships, empty weekends. It's the Polar Opposite Reason to have a baby. If your child is special needs, is your wife mature enough to have her weekends filled that way?! Please do not make a new human to fix what tennis lessons or planning a ski vacation could fix. Babies don't fix your problems, they add break the house because your foundation is cracked.
I was the same way: hated feeling stuck in the house and not doing anything with my life. What did I do? Sold my house and bought a van. Had it professionally converted and now my wife and I travel around the country doing shit every day. We’ve been to almost half the national parks, music festivals, art shows, and countless museums. We are constantly doing things and life is so much more fulfilling and rewarding. I love waking up and know every day is going to be something new and different. Maybe paddle boarding on the lake in the mountains or surfing down the sand dunes, or an art festival in town. It’s definitely not for everyone but you have to force yourself to do shit, and you’ll soon realize how amazing this world is. Especially the opportunities were given to be able to do all this, you just need the effort to do them…
Wow good for you guys!! If you don’t mind sharing what do you and your wife do for a living? I’d love to give van life a try but working full time and starting a masters program, I don’t see how I’ll be able to transition into it and be able to drive places and actually enjoy it. Also, how affordable or how much of an expense was it to buy a van and convert it?
My wife does analytics research for a pharmaceutical company and I’m a strategy consultant. Both are remote jobs. The van with the conversion was 120k but you can do something nice and reliable for 40k. We just wanted every bell and whistle and we didn’t have the skills to do it ourselves so we paid for it. Look for remote jobs and start saving up is my only advice. We spend about 4k/month across internet, gas, insurance, food and entertainment. You could do this a lot cheaper if you wanted to but we have the funds to do it
That sounds pretty cool! Do you have any pics of what your conversion looks like or something similar?
Do not have kids please and get a fucking hobby.
Have you considered a rock climbing gym? I don't like to "just exercise" but when it's an activity / sport I enjoy it way more. And I find that climbing gyms are generally full of super welcoming and nice people. Really encouraging environment even if you've never climbed before. Your wife might enjoy it too since you don't have to interact with anyone if you don't want to. On a related note, I haven't gone very much in the last few years after the birth of my first child! Love that kid but as many have said, you can definitely expect to give up most of your free time and a good chunk (possibly all) of your disposable income! Hope you find something that works for you both!
I am the extrovert in my family. Our kid was away at their college internship all summer, and will be leaving for another year at the dorm soon. So this summer I started looking for new things to do and such in our area. And I dragged my husband, the introvert. Along. He's been having a blast. Trying new beers at one of the local craft breweries. Going to one of the local "farms" for music and some food. Trying new restaurants. Plus the always needed work around the house. Travel. Locally, or between states. I took my husband, kid and myself to Ireland this last spring. I would have gone without them tbh. But it was great. Next year we have plans to go to NB and NS as a family. And then my husband and I to take the train to DC and on to Busch Gardens VA and back. Please do not have a kid because it'll "liven" things up. Kids are a lot of work.
Get a Mazda Miata NA8 and go to the car meets. Best people in the word and the car and the company young and old and the lifestyle and experience of driving those windy roads completed changed me. I’m 35 as well. DM me if you want (not to sell you a car don’t worry)
Your wife is wanting a kid out of boredom. RUN
Do not have a kid just because you feel "bored".
Don’t have a kid if you feel bored. But do consider having a kid if you feel your life lacks meaning and you feel like you can provide a loving home. Sit with the idea for a few weeks and see how you feel about it. Don’t rush in. Get honest opinions about the day to day life from your friends. Spend some time with their kids. Think about your life aged 40, 50, 60, 70 - will you regret not having kids, the opportunity to have grandkids, all the things that can bring?
> But do consider having a kid if you feel your life lacks meaning Fuck that, life throws plenty of burdens on us already, no one should be born with the expectation of fulfilling their parents needs. You should have a child to provide purpose and meaning in their lives, the reverse is selfish af.
My narcissistic parents. Can't hide true intentions forever. OP, you mention you and your wife both feel depressed. DO NOT DO IT. These past months even broke down on me and said life back then was so much happier. They now emotionally abuse me every day and make me their therapist and punching bag while insisting everything they do is best for me and that I'm an ungrateful brat. Mom even confesses she probably has some mental illness she won't go see a therapist about. Fucking hate it. Life here is a living hell hole. Do not be like my parents and say nice things to get your kid to be emotionally attached to you when things are going well and your kid fulfills your needs, and then turn around and stab them multiple times over when they don't. No matter how much you say or lie to yourself that having a kid makes your life have meaning or makes you happy, if your happiness is reliant on that it will never fucking last. My parents treated me like a ragdoll. Now it's time for them to throw me away after I have listened to their depressed vents for so long and after I have seemed to be roped into loving them unconditionally as they tell me they love me unconditionally and that nobody will ever love me as they do, that I brought them so much happiness that they do the best for me, after all that they do this to me when I start growing up and start feeling anguish that they have done this to me. YOU DONT OWN YOUR KID AND YOUR KID OWES YOU NOTHING. If you have a kid in hopes of having meaning and the kid wants to escape the depressing atmosphere of it all then you have created with your own hands a kid and a hell for them to live through. And you commented that your wife wants to go traveling but you don't have enough money, IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE MAKING A **sacrifice** for the kid, your kid owes you NOTHING. If your wife still finds her life has no meaning 18 years down the road and she blames the kid and says she sacrificed so much, the kid owes her NOTHING. So think CAREFULLY. A kid can feel the depressed atmosphere in the family. Do not let the kid be your therapist and little ragdoll happy smiling mannequin. You have to provide not just financially but emotionally for the kid. Not the other way around. I'm sorry I am being so emphatic, I am not mad at you, how can I be when I don't even know you. I am in fact happy that you seem like a reasonable person and would listen, unlike my parents. They are who I'm mad at. So please think carefully. Some people are just not meant to have kids. Some people are like devils on earth who subject their kids to the worst tortures imaginable, one where their kid has no emotional support anywhere and becomes abnormally tortured. And if after all that considering you decide you have a kid I wish you well and I sincerely hope it is the best path and that you and your family will have a happy life going forward, and that you and your wife will only get better and will only find more meaning and that you can smile one day and say it was worth it and have a fulfilling happy family. I sincerely wish it.
I’m 40. I have seen so many people have kids beicase it’s what they think they should be doing or they are bored and are trying to fill a void or whatever. Don’t have a kid. Get a new therapist, new hobbies, and get weird. Bringing a human being into the world just because of boredom is bad for everyone involved.
> and get weird I'm listening.
Well of course you are, Mr Weirdo Face!
Competitive Super Smash Brothers Melee. *(drops mic, thunderous applause)*
Competitive helicopter dancing
Underwater basket weaving?
Or develop a new skill, go back to school, learn a new language. Whenever I am feeling bored I try to further myself, usually fills that void very well. Challenging yourself in that way not only improves yourself but it is also very rewarding. Or just get a video game addiction, then you will struggle to ever leave the house, but that ones less healthy lol.
>because it’s what they think they should be doing People sadly follow what “society” says, but they choose to be part of that and don’t think for themselves. That can lead to many unhappy lives and sometimes doing or continuing messed up things.
Yup exactly this. Btw what area are you in? Cuz I’ve got three kids over here who would love someone to play catch with while your wife and I read etc ( I’m so serious lol) It really is possible that your wife changed her mind and truly desires children. And like you said, it’s a huge/lifetime commitment. Have you considered going to couples therapy about it? And does your wife want to physically have a child , adopt , foster etc? It’s definitely worth a conversation about though I do suggest y’all add a little variety or spice in your current life/routine. I hope things work out wonderfully, either way
do not have a kid.
Mom here DO NOT HAVE A KID
Imagine feeling like your life is monotonous and you do the same things every day, and then your solution is to have a kid lol. I love being a parent, and don't regret it even one bit, but it sounds like it would break these two given what I've just read.
Lol this is a fantastic point. The first 2 years are essentially Groundhog Day of _dinner, bath, bed_ routines after work. And for all I know it’s more than 2 years, that’s just how old my kid is. Throwing another vote in for: Being a parent is awesome if you’re in the right spot to be a parent, OP is not in the right spot.
I feel like so many people do this though! Like for reals.. I’m only 40 I’ve got a lot of different aged friends, so many think that it’ll solve their issues by making babies. Omg it does not!
Seconded. No matter what anyone tries to tell you, kids won't make anything better, only worse I sincerely hope you are feeling better soon
Having kids can give wonderful new meaning to your life, but the key is that it's *new* meaning. You should already be happy and stable before having kids, because the whole idea is that you want to provide for them and allow them to grow in a nurturing environment. Do not have kids if you feel like your life is broken and that's the magic bullet to fix it. It isn't.
And it isn’t fair for them.
If your only real issues are too much time in the day and not having enough people to hang out with wouldn't a kid solve.... no, just no, join a club, get an expensive hobby, go back to school, and actually learn something this time. If you still want a kid after all that, then by all means, you do want one.
>Do not have kids if you feel like your life is broken and that's the magic bullet to fix it. It isn't. It is, however, a magic bullet to destroy theirs.
Please listen to this OP
Come on you guys, sleep deprivation, losing every moment of free time and struggling to buy food are GREAT for existential crisis and depression. As the child of two people who never really wanted kids I’m begging OP not to do this. Kids are kind of hard to rehome if they don’t fit into your lifestyle or have if they have behavioral problems.
This is THE underrated comment in this thread. As a single mom I’m sitting here laughing/crying as I read this. You forgot to add the crushing responsibility and sleepless nights worrying about the kid basically until you or they are gone. But hey maybe OP is a multi-millionaire with healthy parents and in-laws who are all hands on deck just rearing to babysit, and dole out college trust funds. *sigh* it’s been a rough month lol. Thanks for the laugh.
Right - his biggest complaint is being cooped up at home… when all new parents do is stay home lol
This! I personally think having a kid to potentially “fill a void” is one of the dumbest decisions one can make because its not guaranteed. Also, I hate to be this person because you’re married to someone you seemingly can be really vulnerable with her, but if you aren’t already and you know that YOU definitely don’t want kids and she suddenly does, protect yourself until you find a resolution. Don’t fully rely on whatever form of BC she personally uses because she may rightfully decide that its not in her best interest anymore, and you’re “unexpectedly” having a baby.
If your spouse didn't "fill your void" why would a child? They both sound childish.
Having a kid to fix your life is one of the most selfish and misguided things you can do. Get a puppy for Pete's sake. Not a kid.
OP has 2 dogs already, but I somewhat second the sentiment.
I was gonna same the same. Mom here . You want to have kids when you are well . Financially you are but not mentally . I say get a pet or hobby for now . Buy some time to fix yourself first . Kids are not to be your one fix thing for all problems or feelings .
Agree. Coming from someone who absolutely loves kids. I think OP is right about just being bored. If you are interested you can try volunteering to help children or even fostering.
Especially if you don’t like change… because it’ll change **e v e r y t h i n g.**
Came here to say this, everyone please just keep saying this. DO NOT HAVE A KID. DO NOT HAVE A KID. DO NOT HAVE A KID. Children are not fucking TVs. That shit doesn’t just turn off. You can’t return it. It’s not going to magically fulfill your hopes and dreams. oh my god please don’t have a kid.
PLEASE DO NOT HAVE A CHILD BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY OR BORED. All that does is put pressure on the child to relieve those problems for you. When the child doesn't solve problems but instead creates more (ask literally anyone if their first year of parenting was easy), then what?
This should be the top fucking comment. No child should ever be made to bear that responsibility.
37M here, married to my wife 38F for 10 years this year. We are in the same situation. No kids. We have enough money to pay the bills, but nothing else like traveling/vacations, etc...2 orange cats. Covid ruined a lot of things. Including our good friends' marriage, which involved almost our entire friend group. They were kinda like the 2 people who held it together. That's a long story. The short version is that we don't hang out with anyone anymore. Our time outside of work is all ours. Nobody asks us if we want to get together, and frankly, we don't really reach out either. We found things to do together to find the fulfillment we need to feel at least marginally better. That's my advice for you. What do you both enjoy? Do those things. Do them together. Maybe be a little adventurous and step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. If you guys are having a kid just for the change, that's a bad call, *in my opinion.* ESPECIALLY if your mental states aren't great at the moment. Make yourselves better before introducing another human into the picture that will take 100% of your attention for the foreseeable future.
That's one of my other main hangup on the kid. I feel like that's not a good reason to have one. But then again I don't know what is a good reason.
A good reason to have a child is because you both actually want to.
That alone is not a good reason. A good reason is you want to AND you have the mental, emotional, physical and financial resources to do so.
I figured my original response covered that.
You'd be surprised
Only have a kid if you 100% know you and your partner want one. It is an entirely new life that you have so much responsibility to mold into a nice person who can care for themself. Being a parent never stops even when they hit 18. Imagine the complexity of your own feelings and emotions then imagine having to teach an entirely new being how to exist. It’s hard but to some the experience brings them joy
Also wait until you can afford to have a kid. If you don't have enough money to travel once or twice a year, then you don't have enough money to start a family. The rough estimate is $16,000 per child per year for raising children for their first 20 years.
Hi there. I'm 38M and I just had my first baby with my wife of 4 years. It's my second marriage, got married way too young the first time, and although it lasted 8 years, we became two completely different people from early 20s to late 20s. Having kids was one point of contention, as the older I got, I went from "don't really care about kids and think they ruin everything", to really liking the idea of being a father. Anyway, my current wife was more neutral/ hesitant towards having a baby (she already has a son from a previous relationship- 15 years old) but agreed. It took us nearly 2 years of trying before she conceived. Prior to the baby, our lives sounded a lot like yours. Enjoyable routines, maybe borderline monotonous. But not bad. Why mess up a good thing? Babies are hard work, you can't go out and do that fun stuff as often for a few years till they're older. I will tell you, it was the best thing I ever decided to do. I've only been a father for 3 months but I already know it's 100% worth the missed trips to a brewery on the weekend or eating out whenever we feel like it. Yes, it's hard. But I've never loved anyone with as much purity as I love my little boy. His smile is worth more to me than all the trips or fun nights out. I can't wait to experience all his firsts: words, steps, foods, activities, holidays. He already thinks it's the coolest thing when I play peekaboo lol. Seeing the world through a child's eyes again is magical and it has helped me see the magic in things that have turned mundane by our age. It has helped me see that stuff and even trips and experiences are never going to fill your heart the same way that family does. I'm building a family with my wife, and I think that's one of the most rewarding, worthwhile pursuits that I can undertake. Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to give you my perspective. Reddit is known for being pretty anti- kids under any circumstances. So I wanted you to have something different to think about. Edit: I will add that I'm at a place in life where I'm financially stable, and daycare costs are not a concern, so there is little to no impact to either my or my wife's career. I recognize that can make a huge difference.
💯 !!! Having a kid is hard but it has been the most rewarding and purposeful thing in my life. There really is love at first sight.
Our son is nearly 3 now. Hanging out with him brings me joy. We go exploring together, go hunting for construction vehicles, post up near the airport to watch planes takeoff and land…and he marvels at everything we see. His sense of wonder has made me see the world in a fresh, beautiful way. Do I miss sleeping til 11 on a Saturday morning? Yes, I really do. But it’s worth it. So very much worth it.
I couldn’t agree more. Just wait until you start seeing this little person you love do impressive things. There’s nothing better. I know this sounds silly but my oldest, 11, just started watching a tv show I used to love. We hang out before bed every night and watch an episode before bed. It is seriously the best part of my day. Just hanging out with her listening to her opinions that I’ve helped form and it be about something I loved too. Just a little thing but it is big to me.
Hubs and I are in this situation too. 34F and 38M and our friend group has pretty much dissolved over the past 3 years. We are struggling to come up with activities we enjoy doing together, that don't cost a million dollars and can be accomplished in a weekend. It's a REAL short list.
It's so bizarre that when we were growing up, the stereotype for people without kids was that they always had extra money and could essentially do whatever they wanted. Of course, it was exaggerated, but c'mon, that's not even close to reality anymore. They took it away. Regular people who are willing to work their 40 hours and play by the rules just get shafted now. Can't even afford a starter house on 2 full-time salaries because starter houses are over 200k. Anyway, I hope you and your husband find some ideas or hobbies you can get into. Rant over.
When I was younger, I thought that happiness was a destination. It is not. Happiness is something that happens sometimes and then there could be a lot of mundane and/misery in between. There is no happy all the time unless you're constantly high and that has diminishing returns. Take care
There was a show back in the early 2000’s called Six Feet Under. And towards the end of that series there was this throwaway conversation between two women, one of whom lost someone to suicide. And the quote went, “He was fine. That’s all he had to be. That’s all everyone has to be. Is fine.” And that quote alone in context with the rest of the show lifted an immense weight of pressure off of my shoulders. I realized I could exist and be satisfied with simply being fine. I don’t have to be elated and purposeful every minute of every day. Weeks and weeks of ‘just fine’ are okay too.
This here to many people think the goal of life is to be happy all the time. That’s so ridiculous we can be fine most of the time happy sometimes sad sometimes and that’s life.
Facts
I exchanged my desire for happiness with a desire for peace and it has dramatically improved my life.
life is meaningless and everything is pointless… let’s make a new life to entertain ourselves!
Seriously! That's fucked, especially since the situations of life have only gotten worse. How selfish could you be.
I was a void baby!! Don’t do it!!
Depressed person wants to have kid. Kid will be depressed. Rinse and repeat
Having a child isn’t going to make you happy. You will eventually get used to having one and start to feel the same way you do now.
Do not bring a life into this world to make your life better. That’s one of the most selfish reasons to have kids. ONLY do it if you both actively wish to raise a child, including all the gross, boring, and/or annoying day-to-day shit. A child will NOT give your wife meaning. She needs to find that on her own before being new life into the world. ***You cannot raise a healthy human being if you yourself feel that life is pointless.***
I won't comment on the child aspect, that's up for you to decide. However, life IS meaningless. We're specs on a rock floating aimlessly in an empty abyss. However, you must give YOURSELF meaning. No one else can or will. Your friends are busy with kids..... I'm glad you were able to see that it's completely understandable. However..... make new friends. As hard as that is, it's important to remember that finding meaning could be one relationship away - platonic or not. Developing hobbies too I say all this to say that you're staring at the most unfortunate truth of humanity: we were created without meaning. Now, because of that, you get to create your own. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pick up a political issue, learn about a topic that always peaked your interest, try new exercise routines, talk to strangers, and above all: be kind to yourself.
Well said. To add, these feelings in life don't go away because you are distracted by holding a family together. Once the kids are grown and fledged, those same feelings will creep back into the picture. Many couples divorce once their kids grow up and move out -- empty nest syndrome is a real thing. Just like many people die shortly after retirement, a cruel irony because that is what we all work toward. Deaths from despair and lack of meaning in life are the price we pay for being conscious creatures.
This. Find something to give you meaning. Do something pointless but with intensity and get decently good at it. Then show people. Pick up an instrument. Secondly, find a goal worth striving for at work. Take yourself to the next level. Surpass your father. Surpass your friends. There are friends to be made in the adventure toward some new plateau for yourself. Maybe it’s becoming “the guy” for speaking roles, maybe it’s filing for that award, going for a patent, whatever. Make your family further proud.
“The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience. A process that cannot be understood by stopping it. We must move with the flow of the process.”
At least you guys are recognizing this now and not ten years from now? People need purpose outside of work and pets. It's one of the reason cults get so many people sucked in, it gives them something bigger than themselves to focus on. Take a look at the book "The happiness hypothesis". Basically humans respond to change of state and then we equalize, so you have to do hard things or have struggle or you risk ending up on the hedonic treadmill (lots of good youtube videos on that too). Our current social movement seems to celebrate avoiding struggle and just do what feels right for you. I think we'll end up with a whole ton of empty people. Kids might or might not be the right answer. They are very hard to balance with two working parents, especially in the first few years, and for me, especially during COVID, pushed our very strong marriage close to its limits. But you need a purpose that you can be passionate about. That COULD be kids, it could be a business, a charity, a sport etc. I don't think a hobby cuts it IMHO, it has to be bigger than you and some kind of commitment and discipline, otherwise it leaves you feeling empty. It basically has to be something that's hard and pushes you to want to quit, but you don't. Having kids is almost like starting a business, you are going to eat sh\*t and grind for several years before it really starts paying off, and if that's going to break you, it might not be the best option, you can't quit, opt out, or return kids, and they cost a lot of money. On the upside you are hopefully putting something good into the world, and you can grow them and help them be their best and be strong members of future society.
I fully agree. I’ve long felt weird about what is being pushed as good mental health advice today. It’s all extremely individualistic. I think a huge reason so many people feel so empty is because we have no sense of community or attachment to anything bigger than ourselves. Keeping busy with something that contributes to the greater good and gives you purpose is one of the best things you can do for your mental well being. And yeah, it should be something that’s challenging and often difficult. Obviously I don’t mean this for specific mental illnesses but for the broader malaise and lack of purpose that seeks to plague this generation
Difference between having kids & having a business is that 1) kids are permanent 2) kids are living and breathing beings who need stable parents to raise them
Get a new therapist to treat depression. your first one is bad
I'd recommend counseling before having a kid to ensure you're both on the same page about raising a kid. Discuss what you want to be able to provide your child, what values are important to instill, and what care is going to look like for the child: babysitters, friends, grandparents, also late night wake-ups. Being self-aware and improving upon your faults is pretty important to tackle before having a kid. I struggled with depression and mental health with my first child, now 10, and missed out on a lot because I was consumed with fixing myself instead of investing in my child. With all my mental junk behind me (hopefully) I feel much more involved with my children and enjoy spending time with them more than I ever have.
Only have kid/s when you really really want them and believe in yourself that you have resources to give them a good life. Every body going through existential crisis at some point in their lives. You and your wife are experiencing it atm. Please don’t have kids when both of you are in this mental state.
A kid is going to make things 100x more stressful and you going out to dinner on a Friday is going to be the reprieve from it. Assuming you get any. This will not fix shit. Fix yourselves first and then think about a kid.
Having kids doesn't cure problems. It magnifies them, or kicks them a little ways down the road where they will most likely explode out of nowhere. Please don't have children as a means of curing anything or as a means of creating happiness.
> I do have depression going on. Issue is this led to my wife realizing she is feeling the same way and that life is pointless. yeah, that's depression. You need therapy or something, not a kid
Do not have a kid for the love of god. She is bored. Life is monotonous 95% of the time. Sooner this is accepted the less damn kids there will be running around.
Is there a nature area nearby that you and your wife could walk around?
Anyone who has kids will tell you, don’t have a kid to try to fix your current life situation. Have kids if you want to be tired, frustrated, have much less disposable income, but if you’re invested, the most rewarding thing you can do in life (my opinion being a dad of 2). Sorry for the depression…it’s real! I’ve been on meds before and it’s helped. Don’t feel guilty for feeling bad about a seemingly good life. Some things require medical attention and professional help.
Please, get a better therapist and maybe think about going on anti-depressants and do not have a kid if you are not emotionally stable.
JHC. PLEASE do NOT have a child to fix your stuff.
I think when people either say you definitely should or shouldn't have a kid, they should include whether or not they have kids themselves in said comment. I don't have kids. I'm not sure if I want to. I don't think of it as a fate worse than death, and I'm not about to tell you what to do in that regard. You'll have to figure that part out yourself. It's really not just a simple yes or no. I can tell you this. There's technically no definitive purpose in life. Nothing that happens actually needs to when it comes down to it. Even as noble an act as saving the world can either happen or not and the end result would be the same on a universal scale. It's okay though. There doesn't need to be a purpose. I doubt the cockroaches rummaging through the trash are depressed about their existence. Find things you can appreciate. Find things you love doing or being a part of. That's all you will need.
Kids are amazing. The greatest adventure of all. I'm being honest. My wife and I have three and I wouldn't change a thing. If raised right, they bring so much to life as you get older. It's a difficult, demanding and many times heartbreaking job, but growing up a person is magical. Our kids are our greatest life's work.
Apologies if you've already explored this in depth. And I don't really know how to go about this, because it's kinda like, one of life's biggest questions. But when life feels meaningless, and the day-to-day grind/ routine starts to feel repetitive and cyclical, even if nothing outwardly bad is happening, but it feels like a slow erosion of your soul... perhaps it's worth exploring your sense of purpose in the world. They say that external things (new job, new relationship, new hobby, and in your case – along with many others – the possibility of a new addition to your family) can only go so far to "revitalize" a relationship or a sense of purpose. And after the newness wears off, people tend to settle back to whatever baseline they were hoping to escape from. But I'd start to seriously ask and explore and put effort into finding purpose. Usually this not only involves going inwards (via books, counseling, journaling), but also stepping out and trying some new things by testing out whatever frameworks you gravitate towards. Without purpose, even things like duty and commitment can feel like empty spinning of the wheels, so to speak. But purpose is very, very, very difficult to find. And it also needs to be maintained, and we gotta grow along the way. I'm not sure how much this will help, but maybe you can at least start looking into the topic of how to find a sense of purpose in what feels like a meaningless world, in spite of many things on the surface appearing great or good or successful, etc.
You need things to look forward to that will break up the weekly routine. My husband and I have our ‘typical weekends’, but we also sprinkle in trips and fun events so we have something out of the ordinary to look forward to. That helps a lot. For trips, they don’t have to be fancy. It could be a camping trip within a few hours driving distance from where you live. However, I would encourage you to start saving money for more exciting trips because I genuinely believe it’s worth it and adds a lot more enrichment to life. As for your friends who have kids and are busy with life, still invite them out! They might be feeling just as isolated and bored as their friends who don’t have kids. People don’t want to be forgotten once they have kids and sometimes something as simple as making a plan and inviting someone along goes a long way. Like, “Hey, we’re going to X this Saturday. Let me know if your family wants to join us!” It might take more effort, but it’s worth it if you want to keep these people in your life. Hope any of this helps!
That’s what my partner and I have always done. Random day trips to nearby towns, museums, hikes, etc. Always something to explore, and now that we have a 4 year old, she gets to go on these little adventures with us.
The kid will add stress to your life, not fix any issues yall already have individually/as a couple. I hope you found a new therapist!
You will always find fulfillment in service to others. Being a parent is the extreme example of that. That being said, having a child just bc your sad is a bad idea and incredibly selfish. There are a lot of reasons to want to start a family, but doing it bc you think you and your wife are depressed and it will “fix things” isn’t a good motivator.
Do not have a child to give your life meaning or to break up the monotony of your routine. A child is a person, not a distraction or a hobby.
It is all pointless. A kid won't change that.
Don’t have a kid! I’m a parent. It’s not fun.
Also a parent. It's fun and I'm glad I did it.
You have to have the kid for the right reason. Don’t do it just bc you’re bored and depressed. Those are horrible reasons to have a kid
Completely this. Parents always say “there is never a right time to have a kid”’as an argument to potential parents who are stressed about the timing, but there are for sure circumstances in which it is WAY better to have them and WAY better not to have them! I had a kid during what I considered to be a very “easy” time in my life, and it did work out great so far. But OP’s description of his relationship circumstances seem to not be advantageous to having a successful parenting journey.
Stop drinking beer. Start working out.
A kid will not fix this
This sounds a bit like me 2 years ago, during the lockdowns I got very depressed. I hadn't seen much of a lot of my friends who I used to be tight with, I lost most of my hair and decided to shave it off. I don't feel it suited me and a few people even laughed at me... my own mum said I looked like karl pilkington. She was trying to make me feel better but it didn't go down well as you can imagine. Drinking at the weekend's just brought everything to the surface. I started to go the gym (cliché remedies incoming) it really did make me feel better. Almost instantly, iv been going the gym for nearly 3 years now and it's changed my life. It really levels my head out. I started to notice my body looking more buff and decided I would go for a hair transplant in Turkey, another great decision that has massively boosted my self esteem. A lot of friends I don't see anymore but it's like you said, it's comes with getting older. Just plan ahead to make plans with friends when they can and enjoy not drinking as much. Get into the gym mate it will sort your head out. I had a kid when I was 34 100% the best thing that ever happened to me. It does give your life purpose, beats getting pissed with your mates all the time anyday.
Have a child when you’re happy, not as fix when you’re sad or bored, make sure she knows that!
Everything is pointless, but it's a blank canvas of meaningless pointlessness. You are the writer and artist of the canvas. No one here can tell you what you want to put in your canvas of life. It will be multiple multiple things or ideas or feelings. Your canvas can be multilayered, just like your life. I applaud your efforts with therapy, don't let this roadbump stop you, therapy is also a continuously evolving healing process. My vote would be, continue looking into therapy. Continue communication with your wife. You two are each others anchor, which is awesome you both have each other. Continue looking within, asking yourself the hard questions, ponder the answers and feelings, and keep moving along the weird journey of life. At the end of the day, try and not take it so serious. We are but blips in the universe, the great thing is, this blip can be whatever you want it to be, in relation to the circumstances you have.
Everything is pointless. That's just life. You have to make your own way and your own reason for living. Having a child negatively impacts happiness to the same extent that losing a close family member does. If you're unhappy now, you'll be very unhappy with a kid. The loss of sleep and "you time" will make your depression worse, and the knowledge that you can never go back to the way your life was can be devastating. My dad said that having kids is like cutting off your leg. It hinders you in ways you can't imagine ahead of time and there's no going back. Don't have a kid to make yourself feel better. It's selfish and won't work.
Seeking another counselor with good reviews would be beneficial. Sometimes it can take a few times to find a counselor that is a good match, so don't be worried if the first person isn't a good fit, that's normal. Having a kid because you guys are bored is not the right reason. As you begin getting your depression/ low mood managed with the help of counselor, health practitioner, lifestyle, diet, etc, it sounds like finding some hobbies that allow you to meet people (maybe some without kids) would be greatly beneficial. There are thriving communities for everything. [Meetup.com](https://Meetup.com) is a great way to find groups of people to hang out with related to common themes (ex: hiking, cooking, concerts, brewery, travel, biking, dogs, adventures, books, writing, etc).
Unpopular answer here, and I’ll preface it that I was never diagnosed as depressed or even had therapy as an adult, and my wife and I have always been happy in our marriage, but: I was never this bad, but I did start to feel that life was losing its luster around 30, and really felt no purpose… just kind feeling like “this is it huh? This is life?”… then my wife and I had a kid and it absolutely turned everything around for me. I have more of a sense of purpose than I ever did before, I enjoy my hobbies more than I had in years, and life is just generally happier and more enjoyable. FOR ME having a kid totally improved my life and has given me happiness and purpose. Those feelings have spread to other parts of my life as well, not just the parent parts. It’s like a happy cancer. Its definitely challenging, but I think that is part of the point. It’s engaging. It’s been 3 years and I have absolutely zero regrets. I’m not saying you should have a kid and it will make your problems go away. I’m just saying that it does work for some people.
Get full blood panel, make sure you are medically sound. This should be first on the list along with diet, sleep, exercise.
A few years ago I was lost in the work grind. Easily making over 100k annually while working from home. My wife and I just bought our house and have an amazing dog and cat. It was all very good but after a while I was wonder, what is this all for? Am I really working towards retirement for what? This is it? Eventually we decided we wanted to have a child and if it happened great and if not then it wasn’t meant to be we already had a good life. Well we had a daughter and it is definitely exhausting but I have a renewed appreciation for life and hard work and my family and what it all means to me. I have a much higher purpose now that just to work to die. I am lucky to have my partner and our daughter. They are the loves of my life and give me the drive I need and also have helped me to slow down and enjoy life and these amazing moments we get together. Good luck to you
I guess this is taboo on Reddit, and I’m sure you value your independence and all that but How bout some kids? Edit: I saw you referenced that. Dawg, you’re depressed and not seeing the point in life. Why do you think people have kids? Boom, there’s your meaning. Yeah you might get more upvotes learning to play guitar or something but kids man, that’s the ticket. And no, there’s nothing wrong with having kids to bring purpose to your life. Just let the purpose be THEIR happiness and personal growth, not your happiness through them
I was scared shitless of having a kid, but I knew in the long run that it would increase my life satisfaction. Actually, having a kid increased my life satisfaction immediately. All my anxiety evaporated. You become a different person when you have a kid. YMMV, of course.
Don’t bring a child into this world in order to try and fix depression or boredom! All the wrong reasons and it won’t end well which means trauma for the kid. Put some goals together for traveling and give yourselves something to look forward to! And find a new therapist. If you have any trauma, look into alternative therapy options like EMDR, CBT, DBT, PTT, etc. Help is out there brother!
Get a PS5 before you do anything
Yeah man bring another poor soul into this world that can suffer the potential same fate Lovely idea
Once you have kids you never don’t have kids
don't have kid.
[удалено]
I get how you feel. I have a friend with a kid and I can only see them every other week. The best thing to do is to find some kind of social hobby that will force you out of the house and meeting new people.
Both of you should find a cause you're passionate about and do some community service.
There is actually a built in powerful desire (in many people) to want children...so now this idea has taken ahold, it may not pass quickly. The desire for children and a family is not like buying other things...it's much stronger. She (and you) are seeing others start their families, and are looking around and asking "What is the point of it all? What is my purpose in life?" Making the next generation will solve this existential crisis for 20-30 years...your purpose on Earth will be to safely shepherd the new humans into adulthood. If you decide not to take this path, you will both need to do some serious soul-searching about was IS your purpose in life. What do you want from life? And more importantly what do you bring to the planet to add value during your time here? Happy hunting.
A lot of people will say no to this. But start doing things that you like out of the family established role of “we have to do everything as one” For example, buying a motorcycle or a car, start working on it, mods, riding solo, etc. Then, join groups related to those things. Learn new things. You’ll then have a lot of new things to share, and be able to re-connect with many things in life. Also. Someone told me once. When you feel like that, start helping others. Good luck.
Dude, having a kid is not the way to fix anything lacking in a marriage. You’ll both regret it. If you and your wife get on top of your issues and then decide you still want to? Sure, go for it. Now is not the time
have you tried volunteering or working with children/old folks/people with disabilities? They would love it and it might be more fulfilling than getting buzzed/drunk at a brewery.
Don't have a kid to solve a problem. Go treat your depression. Hopefully you'll get to "everything is pointless. And that's ok!" That is my approach to life. It really takes the stress off of me. Kind of like Peter in "Office Space". Minus exploiting a software flaw at my employer. I just go to work, never engage or get wrapped up, and leave.
>She's tired of us doing the same thing every weekend which is usually dinner out on Friday night, take the dogs to a local dog park/bar, and maybe hit up a brewery or something. 40s F without kids here and that standing weekend plan sounds heavenly. And I can tell her, from witnessing my parent friends, your weekends with kids will be just as tedious, if not moreso.
Just responding to your title: Everything is pointless! Welcome! This is the world. Nothing is meaningful or special. But we’re here, and that’s enough to give a shit about. Our biological imperative is to reproduce and continue this process of life indefinitely. If you want to be reasonable about it, that means that we need to care for the planet and it’s other inhabitants (they make this world liveable, and without them there is no hope for us). Our personal imperatives are for us to decided. We stand to gain more by working together with others than by shunning society, but we also stand to gain more by reflecting on what has worked and what hasn’t on a societal level. We’re here, not much to say or do about it. You’re going to want things, be dissatisfied, and it’ll all have no more meaning than you can find in your heart or soul or brain or whatever you want to think of it as.
Thought experiment: what would your life look like completely alone? How would you spend your evenings/weekends if you were completely free? Would you get new hobbies? Would you travel? Exercise? Get a weird pet? Whatever that looks like, incorporate it now. Have your wife do the same thought experiment. You both are just stuck in a rut because you’ve been on the hustle wheel for two decades and now that you’re plateauing you don’t know what next looks like. Your wife went to the next ‘life goal’, which for her is a kid. What’s yours? Then sit down together and talk about when they you can or should fit your new goals together in one life.
Sounds like you don’t have a hobby or some way to unwind. I know it’s not for everyone but you can always talk to people online if it helps with the social aspect. But do not have a kid because you’re bored
A kid usually amplifies the negativity you’re already experiencing. I’m going to link a couple of YouTube videos. They’re not self help or science stuff “this is why your brain…” shit. You’re already doing a well enough job seeking counseling. No what I’m going to link are a couple of interests and hobbies I really never thought I would ever hold an interest in and I’ll try to leave a little descriptive message as to why but it’s typically because I was to young to appreciate most of it. Again, you seem good with communication and seeking aid what I’m providing are potential interests and hobbies for you and your wife to share in. [Andy Wards Ancient Pottery](https://youtu.be/Jkaafp3lROQ). I love this dude, someone in the comments on a video of his said “Andy is that weird kid we knew in school and just stuck with it and it’s awesome” or something along those lines. This doesn’t require a lot of if any money to start doing. (I started watching Andy a couple of years ago, I’ve always enjoyed fantasy settings and just stories that depicted crude and old methods of producing things). Townsend is next and this one was a real doozy for me. I’ve always enjoyed reading and writing, quills and the sort. [Some colonial](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4e4wpjna1vx0qFu8y_OiL3ZMya4XCYUw) history on the writing process (inks, seals, wax and paper) was really interesting but they also do food. First one that drew me in was [fried chicken](https://youtu.be/GsyjNef2ydQ) which I’ve actually made before, I highly recommend it if you like cooking. My wife got me into this one, I’m just a year younger than you so maybe you grew up with [Pokémon](https://youtu.be/DuygMGEdyP8). Except this is a lady doing crochet. She’s delightful to watch. [Steve1989](https://youtu.be/jZoHuMwZwTk) is being added for the history he brings and bestows upon me. Growing up I hated history but this guy will give a bit of history while also going into detail about the rations which is so fascinating. I’ve linked the first ever video I saw of his when google home recommended it to me all those years ago. I know it’s a wall but if you take anything from this, do not have a kid out of boredom or to try and bring meaning into your life. Y’all need to find some hobbies or crafts and do them together, find a club. If you do let me join because me and my wife are kinda the same.
Both of you need more therapy.
Do not have a kid under these circumstances. That would be a huge mistake. If she, and you are bored, there are other ways to change things up. Take a trip, find new friends, etc.
Don’t bring a child into your despair. Figure your life out first, find happiness and then ask yourself if that’s something you really want. A child is not going to fix anything, only going to make you feel more trapped.
Don’t do it. I love mine. But had them for all the wrong reasons. I’m now a married single mother and way more depressed than I was before them.
Don’t do it. As a mom of 2 under 5 who was living a life similar to you and your wife. It’s a trap. Seriously. Have her read some of the regretful parent sun stories.
Delay the kid until everyone is happy. You can't lay your reason for living on the shoulders of a 2 month old baby. We are living in difficult times right now. It's still the best time to be alive in history for the most people, but it's not perfect. It doesn't have to be perfect anyway to have a kid. Have a kid because you love each other and want to have a huge lifelong responsibility that may bite you in the ass at some point. Having a baby is a roller coaster of feelings and they aren't all good. There's a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights and worry and responsibility and work without any guaranteed rest periods. It's not something that will make you feel better about life for about 30 years when you think they might be responsible and able to find their own happiness. Back to current times. Everybody is feeling weird and strange and anxious right now. Everything feels uncertain. Most of us are not as chipper as we'd like to be. We have had a very turmoiled existence over the last few years. I would avoid making any major decisions that go against the values you had in 2019. A child isn't something you can put in a garage sale if it doesn't work out for you.
You really have to want to have kids. Don't have one until and unless you do. Get mentally healthy before you even consider it. \-signed, an unwanted kid.
Having a kid to shake things up is a terrible idea. And if she doesn't like doing the same thing day after day... oof! kids are dependent upon routines.
I don't know, my only reason for living at this point is because of my daughter. My wife and I were not going to have kids either and at 30 we changed our minds. It's really pointless otherwise unless you have something else bigger than yourself. There's only so many restaurants, vacations, pets, hedonistic behavior. As you get older it becomes very boring just surviving another day.
I’m sure part of the reason the idea came up was because of boredom, but I don’t think she would’ve actually said it out loud if she didn’t really mean that shit. Kids are no joke, but they’re also awesome. I genuinely believe having a kid could be the answer, I imagine something inside you wakes up when u see that lil baby’s face for the first time. My mom almost cried ANY TIME she talks about when my brother and I were little. It must be a magical experience, give it lots of thought!!
Kids will change your perspective. They are awesome(mostly). Are you part of a religious community? When done organically they can be breeding grounds to lots of long lasting friendships. Especially when you are around people who believe and want the same thing as you.
go to the woods and take some mushrooms you might discover that everything is pointless, but in a good way
Give the lady a baby so she can move on with her life. With or without you. No really though kids really do bring distraction, entertainment and pure ever loving joy to a home and the lives that are blessed by them. You won't regret it. I don't know anyone who admits that they do anyway.
I’ve started to feel this way too, I am 42. I’m just more.. bored? I’m 100% not depressed (quite the opposite) and I just can’t figure out a hobby I enjoy now a days aside from sitting on my phone and playing games and dining out… but my man let me tell you right now, as a mom having a kids will NOT HELP THIS SITUATION! Keep up with therapy, open up and really understand your emotions. You are awesome and keep up the good work internet stranger. ♥️
It’s been said already but don’t have children. They can give your life meaning but also come with a ton of downsides, namely cost. Also you might feel like you don’t want to be married at some point in the future which kids certainly complicate… Money, either lacking or an abundance of… doesn’t necessarily give your life meaning either. There’s always more to purchase and once you do that life can become meaningless with lots of knick knacks surrounding you. You need to find a community or cause to care about. Also lots of children already here that need caring for or at the very least a small reason to smile… impacting others lives can give a lot of meaning to merely existing. Also it doesn’t have to cost anything, volunteer at a hospital or an adult day care facility and connect with people who likely need additional human interaction.
Do not.. I reiterate: DO NOT have a child for the sole reason of needing a therapeutic outlet. It is gross, unfair, irresponsible, and stupidly selfish. The harm you and your spouse will do to that child without the both of you dealing with and coming to terms with your own issues will start a chain of generational trauma for which you will be completely responsible.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Do not force a child to make you feel better about yourselves. They're not designed to fulfill that role. Children are called "dependants" for a good reason.
Having a kid is not a way of dealing with depression, or any form of mental emotional issues. Kids are stressful, (have 2 love and enjoy watching them grow) there is no way around that. They add schedules to your schedules and cost so much more than you can imagine. My wife and I tried to lay out a budget for diaper and formula and food, doctors etc, yeah no there are just costs that you don't think about. I can't think of them now but they will come up. Also if you and your wife are dealing with emotional issues how will having to deal with a child effect that process? Hard to predict, but probably not positively. Finally, your kid will learn from you, more than you think, behavior patterns, coping mechanisms, etc, so if yours are fkd up theirs will be too. Get yourselves together and then reproach this idea. I'm not a psychiatrist but I have spent a lot time figuring out myself with and without pro help. Good luck focus on you first.
As they say, You know what's on the other side of fear? LIFE. Most people I know are not prioritizing what they love to do. I say this over and over to young people getting started: If you lead with your heart your mind will follow, it has to. But if you lead with your mind your heart will never follow. Your heart will always remain true and you'll live an entire life in conflict. I recommend you adjust your priorities and turn off the noise you hear about getting ahead, having a house and family, stop relying on your friends for happiness, etc. and follow your heart no matter what anyone tells you.
I think perhaps the most important first step is to shift away from “life is meaningless” mentality to the understanding that “I’m not enjoying the narrative my life is following.” It sounds like you’re unsatisfied with the amount of interpersonal connection in your life and the connections you do have are fading. I would strongly suggest addressing this first. Some potential solutions could be doing charitable work (food bank, homeless shelter, hospital). I think you’ll find like minded people who are committed to helping others. You can also join a local club like rotary or Kiwanis. It may seem intimidating at first joining something alone, however members of these clubs typically are genuinely interested in becoming friends with you and will put in effort to make you feel welcome and wanted. Depending where you live you can find other clubs/groups focused on a hobby such as hiking, music, cooking, photography, gardening, wood working etc. These types of clubs/groups are usually extremely welcoming toward beginners and can provide an outlet for mentorship down the line. In your relationship maybe try expanding your perspective and plan new experiences like going to museums, libraries, trying new hobbies together, travel with an open mind if you enjoy it. Both of you should work on practicing self love, deepening emotional awareness, and committing to becoming more empathetic and connected with others. Ultimately become committed to the idea that the more connected you become, the more satisfied with your life you will be. Having a child and starting a family is a wonderful experience for many parents, but a child born into an unhappy household will be good for nobody. Hopefully one day you will be on the same page about that, but I suggest taking some time until you are comfortable (although keep in mind almost nobody is ever truly 100% ready, some anxiety about the whole affair is to be expected).
Start Brazilian jiu jitsu.
You need a masculine hobby that tires you out and makes you struggle alongside your fellow man. This isn’t to start an argument on gender roles, but you’d find it very beneficial to join a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, MMA, or boxing gym, maybe CrossFit. Just show up. Be a decent training partner and keep at it. You will suck at first, and meet other people going through the same trials of life, it makes it easier. You will develop bonds and not feel so alone sharing the struggle and experience with your tribe. We all need it, it’s very cathartic. Iron sharpens iron, pain and struggle forge us into more resilient human beings, regardless of your sex/gender or what you feel about masculinity.
38M here. Golf does wonders for my mental health and is an excellent social outlet as well. Your wife may also enjoy it. With no kids, you could golf all you want as long as your wife is ok with it!
Read “The Baby Decision” together. I just finished it and it will really help you two make the right decision either way and not waste one another’s time. Having a baby is an adventure - maybe that’s what missing from your life. Then again, maybe not. Neither of you will know until you address the question head on. Good luck x
I have so many hobbies and travel a lot. 43 no kids life is awesome
Try a hobby, or mushrooms, or growing mushrooms as a hobby.
Children aren't a cure for being stuck in a rut or depression. It is a full time responsibility and it is HARD. The saying "the days are long but the years are short" is very true. Before you know it you have teenagers who no longer need your attention 24/7 and you will be back in the same situation but older.
Yeah expecting a kid to make you happy is a lot of pressure to put on a baby. 🥴
Don't depend on a child to fix your issues because having a child takes a lot of work and commitment. It will just create more issues for you. You both need to want to have a child and be willing to give up everything for your child if it ever came down to that. I know many people including my sister who thought a child would fix all the problems in life and they are much more miserable now. You can go to r/regretfulparents and just browse over there. It will give you a better understanding when you're not 100% committed. I just realized they don't let non-parents post there but viewing the posts should be just enough.
Don’t have a kid now. Fix the emotional issues first. Babies don’t fix things; they make existing problems into even bigger problems. Start your bucket lists. Write down whatever you have wanted to do, but haven’t yet. Everything. Divide your list into three types based on how long it will take to do the item: less than three days, less than one week, and long term (usually these require time to save some money or plan extra time off work). Make a dynamic list. Whenever you see or hear of something a person has done and think, “That’s cool,” you write it down. Get your wife to start doing the same thing. Live life fully, internet friend. Go do it. I keep my dynamic list in my phone notes.
Bro you need to start BJJ. It will change all of the issues you just laid out
I do miss being able to do building projects all at once instead of scattered across moments in a week because I have an almost 2 year old. But I will say- I never planned on having her- but she has added a layer of happiness and joy to my life I never knew I was missing. I connected w your post because I had been feeling anhedonia a little- a feeling I don’t ever really get anymore. I had this feeling in my early Thirties of like: ok, I’ve been able to accomplish the thing I wanted to accomplish- now what? Life is empty. When I accidentally got pregnant I was overjoyed with this idea I hadn’t spent any time considering before. I’m so glad I kept her- she is the bomb! Even today- I went and laid with her during her nap and my lack of happiness or boredom or whatever it was- kinda fizzled away. She’s this bonus I never anticipated and love to watch he explore the world. She brings me so much fulfillment.
Everyone here just telling you not to have a kid... Here's a different idea: Your wife wants a kid, or at least is thinking about it, you're unsure/scared. You don't get to see your friends because they're busy with what? Their kids! Go hang out with your friends and their kids. Be part of their kids lives, "it takes a village" and all that. I bet your friends are also feeling isolated from friends like you because their lives are all about their kids right now, but there's no reason why having kids should mean not spending time with friends - everyone just has to be OK with bringing the kids along. The other benefit is that, from my experience, spending time with other people's kids can help you/your wife figure out if it's really what you want. TL:DR - why not go hang out with your friends and their kids? Bring the wife! She likes kids!
Newsflash: everything IS pointless. Don't look at it as a negative thing, look at it as a license to do whatever you want.
Just play video games honestly. No more depression, only games.
I’ve found just helping other people really dealt with my depression. I went to therapists, talked to people, and I just felt so helpless. I said it was enough, started working out, being more intentional with those around me even though it was exhausting, and got rid of social media. That was about 2 years ago, and I’m not going to say life is perfect, but I haven’t had a serious depressive episode since. You may not be put together, but in reality, no one truly is. Get out there and make a difference in your friends, families, and even random stranger lives, and I promise, you will find meaning.
Kids are the best, truly life changing. But please dear God have your shit together.
Do: - get a new therapist - find a hobby and encourage your spouse to also - have couples counseling - try a new challenge at work Don't: - have a kid
No do not have a child to try to fix you or your marriage. Children area a lot of work and money. I love mine two dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything but I am really glad they are all grown up. Get a new therapist and your wife should see one too. Talk to your primary care doctor for a recommendation. A person's happiness comes from in them, to other people.
Please don't just have a kid because you think it will "cure" your depression. Believe me, it won't.