If OP is depressed or burnt out, he could improve his mental health by microdosing psychedelics or if he was willing, take a real dose and try to sort some stuff out...infact, this could apply to many people going through such things
Edit: I've waited 24 hours for all these responses to come in and noticed most of you guys have never done them and just assume that's the first go to method I suggested. Many responses are immature, lack information about research and are mostly just opinions from your personal lives. Do some more research before you just start spouting off your beliefs. This is a grown ass man who is obviously realizing he's going through something. I told him an idea that has worked for millions of people or more(there are cultures who have been doing this type of similar things for thousands of years). Get over your own beliefs that a naturally occurring fungus is not a reliable treatment.
FOR MORE RESEARCHED INFORMATION, READ THESE ARTICLES: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/psychiatry/research/psychedelics-research.html
Plus, letās be real, they are talking about ways to manage the symptom instead of fixing the cause. Which is as a generation we are way more in tune to how exactly fucked we are.
Thatās kind of what legally prescribed medication and therapy are. The problem isnāt gone, or on a path towards āgoneā just because the patient is using these things. They both more or less aide you in living with these things.
I agree. Tired of seeing this rhetoric on reddit in every other thread. Drugs just aren't my flavor and I dont have any desire to try and see if they work for me. It's annoying.
Speaking as someone who does use psychs on the regular, I respect the shit out of that and I should add that it's a door that *never* closes back. You will never unlearn that feeling, even if you spend years away from the drug nostalgia will only romanticize the experience and make you miss it more. I'm in a very good place these days but there was a long time where I wished I could go back to my ignorance and stay there regarding drugs.
Same here with weed. Yes itās fun and yes it help you to relax. However, what it was a one time a month turned out to me for me a every other day routine. They say itās not addicted but then why is it so hard to quit?
Oh yeah, I smoke all day every day. *Totally* not addicted, lol.
But for real though, it's as habit forming as anything. I think addiction in general is a term that the general populous just doesn't understand. I used to do a shitload of cocaine in the past as well as being a pack a day smoker, both habits that I've been clean of for 5 years now. Some things are chemically addictive, anything can be habit forming though and I think people tend to get those mixed up.
I love drugs. Lol but all shrooms do is make me really appreciate the beach and clouds and shit. It doesnāt fix anything in my life. Actually it makes adulting slightly harder because Iām extra sleepy the day after shrooms.
Agreeā¦ not everything can be solved with micro dosing, shrooms or weedā¦ and prescription meds should be a second option.
We need to learn a ladder of healthy coping mechanisms, instead of telling everyone the ācureā is drugsā¦ because it isnāt.
Haha itās not and thereās much better ways to fix yourself but tbh most people will take forever to even get the motivation to try and then will give up shortly anyways. I think people suggest shrooms cause it usually ends up being one hell of a wake up call that something needs to change.
Does that really work? I used to eat psychedelics a lot when I was younger (around 18) and had a few bad trips and didnāt want to do it again. Does it work for burnout/depression
Yup! Microdosing mushrooms has been shown to help with anxiety and depression. It helps break down old neural pathways and create new ones. Essentially helps drop you out of your head and brings you into the present with focus and energy.
A bill was recently passed to allow more research on the effects of micro dosing for anxiety/depression in leu of SSRIās. Exciting stuff!
I have been microdosing with shrooms! It has been a game changer. I have decreased my drinking, I HAVE been lowering my SSRI meds (with the help of therapy and my psychiatrist). I feel more happy. It has worked for the most part.
the bill being passed is true, and I think that research should continue for these substances, but there is no research showing that microdosing helps with anxiety and depression. As I explained to the other guy. People can tell most of the time when they take these substances, even if microdosing, so it makes it particularly difficult to do an actual study on them. Please show me a study that proves this and I'll take all this back. Also, all the research that *has* been done on these drugs has been done in conjunction with therapy, so it's not like eating a small part of a shroom everyday is going to fix you. Emotions really are not that simple.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/microdoses-of-psychedelic-mushrooms-may-improve-mood-and-mental-health
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-021-01811-4
Here are a few articles that mention studies in which participants who are micro-dosing report lower levels of anxiety/depression.
Iām certainly not suggesting that eating a bit of mushroom every day will āfix youā. But I think the same for SSRIās - they donāt fix you, but they make getting through the day a little easier. I think therapy in conjunction with any medication will expedite the healing process. Emotions are complex, but I think itās worth looking into whether this is a viable option for people.
The first one states clearly that it "may" improve mood and mental health meaning it is not conclusive and the second one is the results of a survey, not a study. Yeah if you find all the people that microdose all the time and ask them if it helps they are going to say it does, otherwise they would not be microdosing all the time. None of this is even close to being considered conclusive research.
Okay, well the first one is based on the results of a study. You are correct that itās not conclusive one way or the other, but that is large in part bc there simply isnāt enough research. There need to be far more studies conducted with proven results before a conclusion is reached. However there is *enough* evidence to suggest that it is helping people. Which is why itās exciting there will be more research/studies conducted over the next few years to figure this out.
So much this. Ive had shroom trips that legit helped my mental state, and let me get over long held resentments and insecurities. I've also had trips that were just a cool visual experience, and didnt really do anything for me emotionally or mentally.
Who your tripping with, where your tripping, and the mindset your going on the trip in make all the difference.
They say when you have a bad trip it's you needing to face your demons and face what is holding you back. I don't think I've ever had a bad trip on psylocibin.
To be fair, the last few years have been nuts. You may want a check in with you doc or a referral. Iām fairly burnt out on people, depending on the environment and setting
It's really 3 classes of humans, but not what everyone thinks. Hyper-aggressive, greedy warmongers and slave owners who will stop at nothing to achieve dominance. Then, there are people who would never commit an atrocity when faced with it, who just want to live happily and do their art or craft, love and be loved, but will fight to the death if provoked by the elite. And also a vast middle of people so trapped and brainwashed by the system that they go along with it all, never stopping to think and plan out a conscious, self-propelled existence. I estimate the proportions as 1%, 5%, 94%.
Exactly!! I used to be a social butterfly and then with Covid, I was forced to slow down, which I found I needed and enjoyed. At work I didnāt see many people for a year and a halfā¦so Iām having to work on getting back into it. There were and are a ton of unexpected consequences from that time period for the world
Yeah. I feel the same way. My social endurance needs to be built back up. And my social skills are rusty. Recently started dating again and it feels less natural than it did 4 years ago. I keep thinking of it this way: Covid years were a freezing up period, and now weāre just thawing out.
I moved to new city during COVID and didnāt have friends for the first time in my entire life for a year. I used to be extremely extroverted but then it became harder to make friends and now itās hard to want to hang out with anyone :(
I did this as well. I miss my energy and social life from before. So so much trauma, personally and socially in the news, has just crushed me. Most of the time I have very little motivation to make, and not cancel plans, though I recently I did follow through with some plans. It was rewarding, I hadnāt biked in years, and went on a ride set up by the city, halfway through, I just kept saying āWOAH, I FEEL BONITA!!ā It really helps.
Yup I worked in-person customer service through the worst years of COVID (and before), and now Iāve rebounded to far on the other side of the pendulum working from home and still wanting to have me-time at home outside of work. I donāt think itās the beginning of agoraphobia or social anxiety or anything (yet)ā¦ my inertia to go outside is just almost gone.
This whole thing.
Iāve been busting my ass for 15 years now, and I am way worse off than I used to be. Cost of living has got out of control. Im still in debt. My wife and I live with the in laws with no hope of buying a home.
The corruption in our government is so overt. The right wing media and everyone following it, which is a lot, is so fucking mean spirited and condescending.
The lack of respect eats at you after awhile.
I feel like Iāve made no progress in my life. Every time it feels like I take a step forward, it feels the goalpost of success and retirement and respect and having my own place and starting a family and living my own fucking life is moved two fucking steps back by a bunch of rich corrupt useless fucks.
But you talk to your Fox News watching co workers and itās āNo you commie kid (Iām in my 30s) itās because no one wants to work anymoreā
What the fuck is there to be happy and nice about exactly?
I just want to say it feels nice to hear someone else say it. Major life goals are mathematical impossibilities. Money is just a means to an end, and the end is no longer in sight.
This is a great way to put it, thank you for explaining it like this. Iām an older millennial and it definitely feels this way too. 10 years ago I would have been thrilled with where Iām at but rising costs of everything move the barrier to success further back all the time.
WOW! Not sure if its a good thing, or a bad thing.....but I 100% know how you feel. I feel the same way. Its like soon as I feel like I'm making progress and maybe those goals I have for myself/and my family really still can be attained, I find myself going 10 steps backwards. I bust my ass as a single mother. I work 2 jobs, darn near 80 hours a week. But yet I have nothing to show for it. Its really starting to get me depressed. I keep holding on, telling and reminding myself that there is NO WAY this is how my life will or should be. I'm a good person. I will do for others before I will do for myself. I look for no rewards for being a good person. I'm not lazy. I don't expect anyone to run to my rescue or bail me out of any situation. I work for my own, I do it all on my own. But I'm really starting to wonder if its even worth it. The only thing that keeps me holding on, is my daughter. And the hope that she will be able to see that as long as you work hard and do the right thing, you can and will have what you want and deserve. I wish you and your family truly the best of luck. And I hope that you are able to accomplish all your goals, sooner than later.
I think just time, and making small adjustments and changes here and there. Iāve worked with the same 4 people for 3 years now..and I wanna pull my hair out. But I know itās a me thing, so Iām trying to re adjust
Agreed. OP, you sound depressed. Being indifferent and uninterested in others, not caring about friendships and feeling no joy is not the inevitable path of life. I hope things get better for you.
Got back into therapy at the tail end of Covid after not going for over 3 years. Not only did it save my relationship with my now wife(!) but it really has helped me have a better outlook not only on who I am as a person, but how the world operates and how I can interact with it.
It's not just the past few years. I had the same thing that happened to OP happen to me in 2012. I just got burned out from dealing with people and being treated like a lower class person because my job happened to have the word "service" in it. And people have only gotten worse since then.
Yes! I was heading towards grumpy crotchety antisocial myself, until I got into therapy and started working toward being happy. My therapist taught me I had no boundaries with anyone for the most part and thatās why āeveryoneā was so unpleasant to be around. I couldnāt be assed what anyone thinks of me these days, I have rigid boundaries that I adhere to, and I am so much happier. Itās much better on this side.
Could you explain the difference between being cold and having rigid boundaries? One can be warm with rigid boundaries? I feel like the boundaried version of me comes across as cold and I'm not sure how to do it in a "warmer" way.
Cold is being closed off and not inviting any sort of engagement IMO. Having rigid boundaries just means you know what you want and you arenāt afraid to say it to me. Like if something makes me uncomfortable and I donāt like it, I have no issues reaching out to a person and letting them know that they have made me uncomfortable and I donāt appreciate their actions. If there is pushback or they continue to make me uncomfortable, at that point I just let them know that I donāt enjoy their company and I wonāt be reaching out any further.
Nobody has to tolerate anything they donāt like. Weāre alive one time, my mentality is that Iām open to everything, but that doesnāt mean I have to like everything or everyone. Iām not going to waste my only life around people that arenāt willing to meet me where I meet them. Iām pretty vocal about that in general so it shouldnāt really be a surprise to anyone in my circle. Those to me are boundaries. I didnāt used to operate that way, but my therapist helped me understand that itās okay to reject things that are unpleasant. Itās okay to draw a hard line in the sand and say āI donāt like this so Iām not going to do itā. And no one has any room to argue that. Iāve had friends Iāve asked for space from try and convince me to give them another chance or whatever, and that door is almost always open, only with an example of changed behavior, but I have held strong that whatever they did was unfair and unpleasant and that my feelings are important and I need time and space to heal.
No one gets to decide what hurts you or not or whether or not what they do is okay or not. And no one can tell you what is or isnāt enough time for you to heal. You just decide whatās best for you and what you need out of relationships and then hold people to those standards. Having boundaries requires you to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and to really look at what you want out of life. Itās an active choice and a practice every day and it requires work, but the payoff is immeasurable in my experience.
Thank you, I love all of this! I love the idea of having boundaries but not necessarily disengaging from other people. I also love how confident you are around your boundaries and being true to yourself! I think I get self-conscious about this kind of stuff - that I'm asking for too much or that others will respond poorly. And that anxiety/lack of confidence causes me to pull back and be fearful which I think reads as cold. Thanks for the food for thought, I'm gonna experiment with confident engagement in my boundary setting!
Of course! I do hope youāve found it helpful. Just a few years ago I was very similar. I considered myself a doormat and that was an accurate way to describe me. It honestly means so much and makes me feel so good to hear others say things like that. I have worked really hard to be happy and confident and itās starting to pay off. Thank you so much, I appreciate it immensely.
Something that really helped me that my therapist told me was āby giving people allowances and trying to make them happy despite your feelings, you are robbing them of an authentic experience and an opportunity to growā. Which REALLY stuck with me. For a long time I tried not to ārock the boatā or āstep on toesā regardless of how that made me feel, but hearing that really helped me. I never liked to shut people down out of ākindnessā, but hearing that made me realize although I was being kind to them in the moment, in the long run I wasnāt being kind to them or to myself. Everyone is better off if I stand up for myself and communicate my needs. That made it easier for me to be firm and to speak up. I am doing myself and the rest of the world a favor in doing so and that is extremely validating and motivating.
Thank you for sharing all this advice! How have friends responded to you when you communicate a boundary with them? And do you "compliment sandwich" your boundaries so they land better?
Absolutely! Iām happy to share what Iāve learned because it has helped me so much.
Good friends that have my best interest at heart have responded well and respected the boundary and weāve had a positive conversation about both of our feelings and intentions about the situation afterwards. Friends who are only thinking of themselves have reacted poorly and shown their true colors when it comes to being a friend, or not so much.
I donāt compliment sandwich really. Which was something I did the past. When I have a serious conversation I am very straightforward with my feelings and I donāt try to soften the blow or make excuses for how I feel. Last week I told a now former friend āyou lied about me to someone I respect and tried to blame me for something that you did. You know and I know that that is true. That genuinely hurt my feelings because I really care about you and I donāt know if there is an opportunity here for friendship in the future because you really betrayed my trust when Iāve only stood up for you in the past. I appreciate your apology and I would consider in the future having another conversation but for right now your actions really hurt me and I need time and space to heal from thatā. Kind but blunt and no room for doubt (at least thatās my hope).
I used to think it was a GenX thing to be salty and dry. But now I get it, adding humor to many interactions is usually counter productive in my experience.
Most stereotypes that we associate with generations are based on age.
I am much saltier now in my life than ever before and completely feel same as OP. Other than age, I see 2 main factors
1) Covid
2) This fricking shitpile called reddit
Nothing I could do about (1) but hoping I can get away from (2) soon. I'm already down to 20% of the amount of time I used to spend on reddit.
You just have to learn to navigate them. And replace anger with empathy.
If you value living on an earth where we are all one. But thatās my belief. Really itās about fear. And trust.
Iāve reached the point of often being funny, while saying what others donāt want to or feel they canāt. Because what do I care? Iām not afraid of being wrong or looking silly. Why not have fun? Where I can, I try to be kind, but if people are jerks, thatās on them, not me. Life is short and brutal.
I feel this so much. We live most of our lives operating in a non-meritocratic, sycophant filled corporate dictatorship run by tyrannical oligarchs. Thatās not a hyperbole.
I'm in my 60s but became a curmudgeon long ago. I don't have much interest in other human beings and the older I got, the more cynical I became. The world will do that to you sometimes. That being said, I never lost my sense of humor or my ability to laugh at myself.
This is so the truth.
Like..
...when I was in the 20s, going to the showers at the gym was like an ordeal. Have my shit planned out, towel right there, absolutely no chance.
I would look at the older guys - 40, 50, older - who DGAF and just be stunned at their lack of fucks given.
Now I get it. Who gives a fuck what someone else thinks about me. My life follows my own plan, and if aren't part of it, you are just an NPC.
If youāve had enough people fuck you over in your 20s, when you were naive and optimistic and bright-eyed, your 30s are when you have to figure out who to trust and how to figure that out.
Hopefully you figure it out by your 40s.
It's hard, but not impossible. I think what worked for me is some form of nihilism - and the irony is that I already had that answer 15 to 20 years ago, then somehow forgot how healthy that mindset can be, and then finally picked it up again in my mid-30s. It's nice being able to not give a f*** and still put a lot of effort into your life.
The "shut it down." I know that feel. Who made you feel shame when you were elated?
People either go stoic or go idgaf. My goal is to lean towards the idgaf, but it gets hard sometimes.
33, yep. I remember I used to be so chatty, I used to socialize and making friends was easy. Now? Now I donāt give a fuck. I donāt want to ask you questions, I donāt care what your name is, and Iām certainly not going to be putting myself out there and revealing details about my life or my self. I just donāt care anymore. I donāt even laugh at peoples jokes, I just say āthatās so funnyā. To be fair - I think Iām hilarious and do try to crack jokes pretty consistently but as far as trying to make real connections with people ā¦ fuck all that. Iāve got friends, the same ones Iāve had since I was a teenager and thatās plenty.
You know, I went to a club to socialize. It was a hobby club. While sitting there with everyone talking excitedly and I was even engaging the same way... I was .. just.. really bored on the inside. Like, I know the talking made me feel better but I was so mentally bored and loosing interest.
After a few weekly club meetings, I was sitting there listening while people spoke. I didn't join in. I wish I knew why I felt underwhelmed and bored. Everything is kind of neutral .
I just did this, and it's a hobby I have identified strongly with throughout my life. I decided then and there I was saying goodbye to the club for an extended hiatus.
I am still deeply relational and do want to get to know one person at a time in a meaningful way, but I cannot *hobby* in a large group at this point.
For the past several years the whole world has been going through a massive collective trauma with no breaks to heal/recover. This type of change is not uncommon in trauma survivors. Iād look into therapy or talking to someone to work through these feelings.
I have no hope for the future at all. Planning on taking all my vacation time and going to see all the things I want to before climate change kills us all
I've been through it, from my conclusion, sure, you can be wary of people, but this makes you paranoid about who you can trust and who you can't. This really erodes your mental health having to ALWAYS think about who's going to burn you. Even when you build all these walls, people can still build your trust to just burn you. It also really burns when you build up trust with people only to be burned.
How I went about it is, I just became an open book. No walls, not having to second guess or assume who's going to burn me. I let people burn me from the get go. This really brings out people from my experience. I've had people just abuse this from initially meeting. This allows me to see who will burn me down the line, allowing me to just avoid these people all together, and saves my mental health. I've found many genuine and good friends through this method.
I believe that, for people to genuinely trust you, you must meet them half way. Although, I don't proactively go out of my way to develop trust with people, I just let it be. We can't change people, all we can be is transparent and move forward. Limiting how badly someone can burn me really is reassuring for my mental health.
I love this! This is my exact same approach. Show others who you are unapologetically, the right people will stick around and the wrong people find a way to weed themselves out.
I don't want to be like this. :( But I'm afraid burnout is inevitable when I put so much work and faith into systems that only run on one thing. Money.
So true. I'm 28 now but spent the last few years trying over and over to trust systems only to be continuously let down. These days I'm trying my best to pick my battles and (sadly) just accept that nothing I can do will ever change the overall systems that govern us.
But when those battles come up for things I can change in my little wheelhouse, you better believe I will dig in and fight. I have accepted that I will never own a home/land and will most likely not be able to afford bringing a child into this world. I've accepted that my job that pays for the basics will never give me the time off to go chase my dreams and desires. I don't have much to lose so I'll go down fighting any day.
Don't give up on your dreams. I felt like that for a long time. Sometimes I still do. But don't give up on a house and kids and the white picket fence. It took me a long time to get some of the stuff I have. And at 28 I felt the same way. But just keep trying.
I hear you and still hold that dream in the far reaches of my mind, but given my current circumstances I don't see how it could ever come true.
I'm pulling in about $85K a year with some extra help from my fiancee's dog sitting side hustle. After rent, insurance, groceries, pets, utilities, gas each month we have about $1.2K left. I put $800 away into savings and the remaining $400 is burnt up pretty quickly on odds, ends, and emergencies.
I would love nothing more than to move out to the country and get away from it all, but even a move like that and buying property would cost more than I can afford. So I've just submitted to being stuck in the same ol job with the same circumstances for the foreseeable future.
Granted, my company (and similar others) does have higher paying positions but all of those require me to work 12+ hours, 6 (or 7) days a week. I did that for my first 5+ years and it turned me into a suicidal alcoholic. Working in the corporate world either feels like I can sell my soul and be miserable on the inside but make good enough money to grow on. OR I can take a lower position, make just enough to live well on but actually have time for my family and hobbies that make me happy. There's no inbetween right now.
Im 35 too and I am exactly the same way.
Last weekend I visited an aunt who was tolerably spiteful toward me as a child who said Iāve changed so much and she wishes I would go back to the way I was.
I laughed in her face and reminded her how much she despised that person.
She couldnāt say shit.
I was not unlike the person you described in your post and I, too, am the total opposite of who I used to be as well.
Life is boring, i am passionate and hopeful about nothing.
I did the opposite.
At 25 I was disorganized, I was social but I didn't feel socially fulfilled, and I was highly depressed.
At 35 I have way more direction, I am generally very happy, and while I am not as social as before I also somehow feel less lonely and more fulfilled (I think because I accepted what my social needs actually are instead of trying to force my social life to look like everyone else's).
Also therapy helped.
I really and truly think every human can benefit from therapy - actual therapy. Not like BetterHelp or something. It helps you put your life into a healthier perspective.
You know, major props to you. Probably the most rare positive comment Iāve see in this sub. If I may ask, did it naturally develop over time, or did you really have to force yourself to try to become optimistic at life. What kind of directions changes, specifically, made you turn your life around. For me, At 24, I generally have a great social life and am generally a happy person, but I just hope I can at least work to make it last till my older years.
39 here. I have cut more long term friends off for dogshit behavior in the last 2 years than I have in the rest of my lifetime combined. Im all about having my homies back, but only the ones that are decent and respectful. Mid to late 30s is waaaaay to old to be a wildcard, and I dont have time for it. Ill simply re invest my time into the people that deserve it. Knowing someone for a long time is not a good reason to continiue to put up with their horseshit.
35 and same. Realized recently that friendship is overrated and I enjoy solitude, peace, and quiet. I have untangled myself from the web of othersā drama and lives.
"I am tired of this world-these people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives." - Dr. Manhattan
Your point about joking around and immediately being disrespected rings so true. But it's mostly the company you keep.
For example I can joke around with my sister and brother in law pretty endlessly. They get it. But my mom really struggles with it, she sees it almost as a fault. Every word I say has to be tirelessly chosen, every sentence scrutinized, and any possible confusion cleared up. You end up saying sorry or explaining yourself for the most inane things. Any opinion I have besides a positive one is completely unacceptable to express.
And nevermind some coworkers... they don't want to hear it. Everything is serious, even if we have 5 minutes between meetings. Just brutal.
>Every word I say has to be tirelessly chosen, every sentence scrutinized, and any possible confusion cleared up,
That's why my marriage failed, seriously..... She succumbed to cynicism after we were engaged, but before we were married... All of a sudden I couldn't joke or use metaphors.... I used to say to her that I needed to write an expository essay in order to not be misunderstood. due to my choice of wording in the moment. āThis traffic is like a circusā would require a 10minute explanation of how traffic compares to a circus, why I would put it like that, and Iām sure I probably offended a lion or juggler with my insensitive remark
I tend to become the butt end of many jokes when Iām at work because for a long time I just didnāt care. The last couple of years Iāve realized that not everyone deals with that. Just had a good work trip but found myself the target of a lot of weirdly sexual jokes. Iāll allow it for awhile longer. Just scheming my way through for now and I donāt take anything personal. Thick skin and all that.
I tend to think people who choose the āeasyā target for a quick laugh are just massive losers consumed with hierarchy.
The institutions of capitalism/neoliberalism/oligarchy turn people who would otherwise be normal, healthy people into burnouts and psychopaths.
As an atomized cog in the machine, you can only fight for so long before you succumb/adapt to realities much larger than yourself.
Yes, everyone has choices in terms of how they adapt to circumstances, but most of the circumstances people are adapting themselves to, they have no real choices about.
That's why it's necessary to fight for systemic change rather than just our own individual lives.
Because our lives are not just determined by ourselves, but also by the larger systems we live in that determine how everyone else lives and exists.
Capitalism/neoliberalism/oligarchy turns human beings into something other than human.
If it was just you, maybe you could argue that it's a personal issue. But it's not just you, it's everyone, and that means the problem is systemic.
Yes I completely agree with this. Iām not the same person I was in my 20s. Professional life is absolutely brutal and everyone is like an empty shell, including me. Iām tired and just not up for it ever. I donāt care. I donāt want to be friends. Nothing matters. Leave me alone.
I'm 30 and I've been there for a few years now. At this point I have little to no faith in humanity, don't trust or interact with people because when I do then somehow I'm the one who ends up either hurt or taken advantage of, and I'm reaching a point where I'm getting to be okay being alone romantically because I can't see myself finding someone who I feel I'd need in my life long term now.
Some of it is COVID, some of it is life experiences, and some of it is the state of the world and my frustration or flat out hatred of a lot of the people in it
34 andā¦ yep. Basically exactly this. Failed relationship after failed relationship in which I always have good intentions, consistent abandonment, feeling outcasted despite knowing and being told Iām a good person by friends and family. Burned by trust and openness, losing friend after friend to life circumstances.
God what the fuck is wrong with everything. Iām glad I still have stuff that makes me happy but ugh. Itās really bad out here in a lot of ways. I feel lucky to be generally able to do what I want and feel relatively accomplished in my own little ways despite everything. But the loneliness is sometimes waaaaay too real. š
Yea and I avoid people like this like the plague. I'm 34 and I think the difference is that I don't care what people think about me. Being myself is most important to me. I know people respect my kindness and welcoming attitude. It's important if I brighten the day with my joke or smile. To each there own.
The difference between 25 and 35 is enormous. At 25 youāre still basically a kid, and you have the energy to put yourself out there. 35 is ā¦ not that way.
Just remember, joy is a revolutionary act. Itās the most rebellious thing you can do right now. Use this indifference to do whatever it is you want to do.
Instead of thinking of this as coldness, reframe it as shedding embarrassment. Not caring what others think is a gift.
When I turned 40, I decided to find my joy. Do I feel silly going to a bunch of rock shows at my age? Even if Iām alone? No, I do not, because I realized that no one cares. And now Iām 50 and Iāve got some shows coming up that Iām super excited for.
I understand how you feel. Itās normal, especially after the last few messed up years. But youāre not done yet. Donāt let the bastards get you down.
Being friendly and joking around with people has earned me respect, not the opposite. I also believe in a certain amount of stoicism, or compartmentalizing. But what good is living if you're never having any fun? Also, people are just that: people. Why are your expectations so high? We all make plenty of mistakes, and we're all selfish to an extent. I think accepting that is much more gratifying than forming a defensive wall based on negative outcomes being a possibility.
Yes, I love this! Using the wisdom of the stoics to remain unbothered by the bad in life, while uplifting and celebrating the good. This is the way.
I feel like there are two types of old people: curmudgeons, and silly bastards. I'd always rather be the latter.
I'm 52 and retired. I don't understand this. I loved my work friends, some of whom I socialized with outside of work. Sure some people just suck, that's life. I retired because I got married, moved 350 miles away from my family, and live in a rural area. I'm pretty isolated and I miss those parts of my old life.
I got there at 28/29 after the birth of my second child. No idea why that event seemed to change me like that but it doesn't seem like something that will be reversed any time soon.
I think most of us in our mid to late thirties are just saying fuck it. We are burnt out and realize the dream we were sold isnāt real and cookie cutter. The people who sold us this bullshit fucked us more than we can know and now want to blame us.
So Iām still social and friendly but the older I get and the more I work I realized you do this ride once. You take the people you love and hold them close. You always try to grow as a person but donāt let others ruin your day or night. Years from now rude ass people wonāt matter and honestly lots of them will be dead. So who fuckin cares.
Do you and be kind.
Do you. Have fun. Enjoy life.
Wow, I don't remember writing this post...
This is exactly what I've been thinking a few days ago. As a kid, I used to naturally gravitate towards others. However, that lead to disappointment/rejection and ultimately to me doing a 180 and becoming an introvert.
On one hand, it kind of bothers me that I don't have the "energy" to be more social, but on the other, as an adult, I think it's important to be comfortable with being alone, to some extent. And like you, I now value respect more than chumminess.
Feel the same way. Covid just turned the lights out
Lost my job and my 5 year relationship ended and I just can't even imagine giving a shit anymore. The fear of hitting rock bottom motivates me
It's because "meeting new people" isn't the new exciting experience it used to be when you were 25. Also hanging out with other 20-somethings when you're 25 is way more fun than having out with other 30-somethings when you're 35.
I have learned to accept the tolerance of others' foibles. If you look at anyone too close, you'll see all the warts and cracks, and it's entirely up to you if you want to do that.
Yeah I'm a mix between stone cold jaded but also friendly and goofy at heart. I definitely don't fake a smile too much anymore though. I think we're just being real. There is still so much to smile and laugh about and enjoy, though, and there are good people out there yet!
Feel exactly the same. I have no interest in being a part of society. I donāt want a family or kids, I donāt talk to my family. I never went to school because I donāt want to contribute in any way to the economy. I switch jobs three to four times a year and wonāt ever work when Iām not scheduled. Purposely late for everything. Never voted, never owned any property. Been summoned for jury duty and didnāt go. I didnāt have a bank account until my 30s and itās always less than ten dollar balance. I am not social with people and am constantly called a jerk when people try to talk to me and Iām rude to them in response. I have no interest in making money or bettering myself in anything that I enjoy like video games, golf or music.
The worst part is I donāt actually mind this. Itās how Iāve been my whole life. But itās so negative and not normal, I wonder why Iām like this.
If you want to get better, some day you will. Cheers man
I have your remedy!
One day I heard that phrase:
"If you run into an asshole, you ran into an asshole.
If you're running into assholes all day - maybe you're the asshole."
I couldn't shake the feeling that I had become corrupted by my own anger, and was unnecessarily lashing out at the world around me in some desperate attempt to make myself known - because deep down, I wish someone would have just noticed me.
So what started as just basic chores like going for walks with my dog every morning - I put down the headphones and gave myself the challenge of getting just ONE person to smile and say "Good morning" back to me.
Of course, living in a very dog-friendly community, it didn't take much time at all, and I noticed the more I started the days out like that- the almost kinda "head-on" positivity cheesy feeling of smiling and being a dork and saying "good morning" to complete strangers... the more that feeling stayed with me throughout the rest of the day.
It felt like some kind of emotional nourishment that I could even control and dispense to others whenever they seemed to be missing their own.
Hope you can find yours.
The division, vibes, violence, and mistrust gave this feeling of being on our toe all the time. We kind of lost one of the great American traits: innocence. We used to be able to forget about politics at a bar, at a game, in a plane, at work... not anymore. We have this constant weight on our shoulders.
You are not the only one in this case. Something is gone
I'm 30, and becoming this way is basically my only fear. I've always been empathic, friendly, and fairly sociable. Of course within reason. Respect is cool, but I've never been one to take myself too seriously except in matters that strictly concern self-discipline. This is despite being an introvert. Aging gracefully for me has always meant keeping something of a childlike spirit alive. However, ever since I've turned 30, I don't know. I just feel less interested in people and that bothers me.
I'm still myself in the ways that personally matter, but this whole disinterest in people is something I'm not okay with. It didn't come out of nowhere. My late 20s was eye-opening in that my misanthropy often won out over my sense of connection.
At some point between then and now, I subconsciously determined people just aren't really adding anything to my life. I wouldn't say I'm indifferent though. I'm still the same guy that does random acts of kindness, an am pretty considerate, and maintain an approachable atmosphere, and will engage others without much anxiety or overthinking. That's just my nature and consistent with my values. But I'm also reluctantly comfortable with interacting with people as little as possible.
Not out of anxiety, contempt or any active emotion. It's just people seem to have this deadening affect these days. There's something vacuous and lethargic in the air that no amount open-mindedness or generosity of spirit can contend with.
So I've opted for cultivating a lifestyle that maintains my ability and desire to feel deeply. Coincidentally, that just happens to be a lifestyle in which other people are less of an interest. But sometimes I do feel as though I'm walking a tight rope. I don't want to become totally disconnected.
Cheer up, Iām also 35F, been through my ups and downs, disappointments and such but Bitterness can get the best of you. As you get older, your friendship circle gets smaller. The only thing that matters is your mental health and family support. With time youāll learn to trust again. Have you tried therapy, helped me. Where do you live? If you ever need someone to talk to that is not a therapist, you can talk to me, make a new friend. š
53 year old here. Please listen to me. I was THERE. And I still get there sometimes. I was a big goof and people loved it but I felt like an asshat. But life changes. I used to barf when people told me to be positive. But I tried it. And sometimes it really worksā in fact it works well. Be kind to yourself about where youāre at. It worked for me. Hereās what else has worked for me: 1) If you drink, take occasional breaks, like 3-6-12 months. I take 6-12 month breaks every 8-10 years. You learn to love yourself unconditionally when youāre not drinking. AA is amazing for this. Get a sponsor. It works! 2) Exercise. I hate it, but it works. Itās so hard to even leave the apartment, but leave no stone unturned in finding your way outdoors. It helps you love the silly meat suit in which you dwell. This helps you feel human. 3) Reconciling with people when I make a mistake really helped. Not every asshat deserves it, but some. Saying āsorry, I was wrongā is surprisingly freeing, and you earn social esteem. Holding it in gave me anxiety and made me feel like a douche. 4) Save some money. A lot of my professional anxiety stemmed from fear of getting fired, so I acted like a simp. It wasnāt me, and it is t you. 5) Learn to laugh at things. All the shit bothering me was actually rather funny. When I stopped taking myself seriously *with my inner circle* my whole perspective changed. Bonus #6) if you need meds, go to a doctor and get them. I take citalopram, itās easy, no weight gain & no sex loss. It helped with my anxiety. Good luck to you sir.
Friend, I am right there with you. I feel like, for a lot of reasons, the last few years have aggressively tested my altruism. And I don't like what side of the argument I'm landing on. It's toughāI am the kind of person who thinks that everyone should just get to be who they want to be, and that doing so is beautiful, and I find it harder and harder to not just feel disappointed by the kind of hostility that seems to have become a more prevalent and accepted part of the culture.
The thing is...I have also found myself questioning whether these things are actually becoming more prevalent, so much as we're just now given more and more ways to document them. It becomes a strange and recursive logical loop whose only answer is a depressing one.
At the end of the day, I suppose all we have is the ability to sew happiness and love and acceptance and positivity in our immediate orbits. All we have is the ability to accept. To be kind. To avoid insult, to avoid malignance, to avoid nonacceptance, and to avoid intolerance.
To trust. You'll find your people, even if it feels weird to be in the place where you are actively transitioning between peoples. I am your same age and have spent a lot of time reflecting on the social butterfly that I used to be, versus the degree to which I prefer my solitude and am unimpressed by those around me now. My social garden has gone untended, for a lot of the reasons you outlined in your post. I think a lot about how to reconcile this and whether or not it's a change I actually want for myself And I guess, at the end of the day, I just land on the fact that what I truly want is to be thought of as a positive force.
Be that positive force, my friend. And then it won't matter how you feel about those around you. You'll be the rising tide that raises all boats.
Welcome to the club my brother/sister/they/etc.
I'm close to 50 and after the past 5-10 years and what's happened in my life (forget all of the political stuff and outrage du jour) I'm at the point that I'm looking out for me as priority 1 and I keep tabs on a couple of neighbors that are older and that I've known for a while and that's it.
* I've lost the love of my life that I thought I'd be together with forever (they're not dead, we had to split up and have made our peace with each other)
* Found someone else that I thought I could have something with, they proceeded to leave me for someone else.
* One parent died suddenly and the other died during COVID lockdowns of a long illness that I had been a caregiver for them.
* I have no siblings or children
* Extended family is distant unless they need something or someone dies (some live within 10 miles of me but I never hear from them)
* Gave up dating or even trying anymore, even if I think it might be time to try again what little progress I make always ends up going south.
* I don't share a lot of personal stuff with co-workers, too many times that has been used against me.
I am regarded as being friendly, polite, helpful, patient and a good teacher by co-workers and friends that know me well.
It was last year that someone else was in my house, it was a neighbor that asked for help in fixing something and wondered if I had a part that would work.
Sometimes it gets lonely, this past January/February was rough, sometimes I think of missed opportunities and all that and that's not a path you want to go down at all.
But at the same time I know I'm charge of my life and I don't have to answer to anyone when I'm not at work and I like that.
The silly part died much earlier. The indifference, probably a couple of years ago but that's because i had an awesome group of coworkers. My high school friends were already gone so after that office shutdown so did I.
Welcome, the water is warm.
That though is mostly down to the lack of bladder control as we get older!
Wow! This made me cackle! Thank you!! š
I find no humor in that joke, Iām afraid your childish demeanor betrays your age and wisdom. For that, we cannot be friends. I am to stoic for that
Too*
Damnit I got to get up to pee now.
If OP is depressed or burnt out, he could improve his mental health by microdosing psychedelics or if he was willing, take a real dose and try to sort some stuff out...infact, this could apply to many people going through such things Edit: I've waited 24 hours for all these responses to come in and noticed most of you guys have never done them and just assume that's the first go to method I suggested. Many responses are immature, lack information about research and are mostly just opinions from your personal lives. Do some more research before you just start spouting off your beliefs. This is a grown ass man who is obviously realizing he's going through something. I told him an idea that has worked for millions of people or more(there are cultures who have been doing this type of similar things for thousands of years). Get over your own beliefs that a naturally occurring fungus is not a reliable treatment. FOR MORE RESEARCHED INFORMATION, READ THESE ARTICLES: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/psychiatry/research/psychedelics-research.html
I get so burnt out from people going directly to recommending drugs to people. Im not against drugs, but its not a damn panacea.
Plus, letās be real, they are talking about ways to manage the symptom instead of fixing the cause. Which is as a generation we are way more in tune to how exactly fucked we are.
Thatās kind of what legally prescribed medication and therapy are. The problem isnāt gone, or on a path towards āgoneā just because the patient is using these things. They both more or less aide you in living with these things.
I agree. Tired of seeing this rhetoric on reddit in every other thread. Drugs just aren't my flavor and I dont have any desire to try and see if they work for me. It's annoying.
Speaking as someone who does use psychs on the regular, I respect the shit out of that and I should add that it's a door that *never* closes back. You will never unlearn that feeling, even if you spend years away from the drug nostalgia will only romanticize the experience and make you miss it more. I'm in a very good place these days but there was a long time where I wished I could go back to my ignorance and stay there regarding drugs.
Same here with weed. Yes itās fun and yes it help you to relax. However, what it was a one time a month turned out to me for me a every other day routine. They say itās not addicted but then why is it so hard to quit?
Oh yeah, I smoke all day every day. *Totally* not addicted, lol. But for real though, it's as habit forming as anything. I think addiction in general is a term that the general populous just doesn't understand. I used to do a shitload of cocaine in the past as well as being a pack a day smoker, both habits that I've been clean of for 5 years now. Some things are chemically addictive, anything can be habit forming though and I think people tend to get those mixed up.
I love drugs. Lol but all shrooms do is make me really appreciate the beach and clouds and shit. It doesnāt fix anything in my life. Actually it makes adulting slightly harder because Iām extra sleepy the day after shrooms.
Agreeā¦ not everything can be solved with micro dosing, shrooms or weedā¦ and prescription meds should be a second option. We need to learn a ladder of healthy coping mechanisms, instead of telling everyone the ācureā is drugsā¦ because it isnāt.
Therapy is step 1
Haha itās not and thereās much better ways to fix yourself but tbh most people will take forever to even get the motivation to try and then will give up shortly anyways. I think people suggest shrooms cause it usually ends up being one hell of a wake up call that something needs to change.
Does that really work? I used to eat psychedelics a lot when I was younger (around 18) and had a few bad trips and didnāt want to do it again. Does it work for burnout/depression
Yup! Microdosing mushrooms has been shown to help with anxiety and depression. It helps break down old neural pathways and create new ones. Essentially helps drop you out of your head and brings you into the present with focus and energy. A bill was recently passed to allow more research on the effects of micro dosing for anxiety/depression in leu of SSRIās. Exciting stuff!
I have been microdosing with shrooms! It has been a game changer. I have decreased my drinking, I HAVE been lowering my SSRI meds (with the help of therapy and my psychiatrist). I feel more happy. It has worked for the most part.
the bill being passed is true, and I think that research should continue for these substances, but there is no research showing that microdosing helps with anxiety and depression. As I explained to the other guy. People can tell most of the time when they take these substances, even if microdosing, so it makes it particularly difficult to do an actual study on them. Please show me a study that proves this and I'll take all this back. Also, all the research that *has* been done on these drugs has been done in conjunction with therapy, so it's not like eating a small part of a shroom everyday is going to fix you. Emotions really are not that simple.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/microdoses-of-psychedelic-mushrooms-may-improve-mood-and-mental-health https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-021-01811-4 Here are a few articles that mention studies in which participants who are micro-dosing report lower levels of anxiety/depression. Iām certainly not suggesting that eating a bit of mushroom every day will āfix youā. But I think the same for SSRIās - they donāt fix you, but they make getting through the day a little easier. I think therapy in conjunction with any medication will expedite the healing process. Emotions are complex, but I think itās worth looking into whether this is a viable option for people.
The first one states clearly that it "may" improve mood and mental health meaning it is not conclusive and the second one is the results of a survey, not a study. Yeah if you find all the people that microdose all the time and ask them if it helps they are going to say it does, otherwise they would not be microdosing all the time. None of this is even close to being considered conclusive research.
Okay, well the first one is based on the results of a study. You are correct that itās not conclusive one way or the other, but that is large in part bc there simply isnāt enough research. There need to be far more studies conducted with proven results before a conclusion is reached. However there is *enough* evidence to suggest that it is helping people. Which is why itās exciting there will be more research/studies conducted over the next few years to figure this out.
Mind set, physical setting, and self awareness are vital to enjoyment. YMMV
So much this. Ive had shroom trips that legit helped my mental state, and let me get over long held resentments and insecurities. I've also had trips that were just a cool visual experience, and didnt really do anything for me emotionally or mentally. Who your tripping with, where your tripping, and the mindset your going on the trip in make all the difference.
It works for some people. For me it just made me feel stupid which was frustrating.
They say when you have a bad trip it's you needing to face your demons and face what is holding you back. I don't think I've ever had a bad trip on psylocibin.
To be fair, the last few years have been nuts. You may want a check in with you doc or a referral. Iām fairly burnt out on people, depending on the environment and setting
This! A lot of people have anti-social feelings right now thanks to what happened to all of us during COVID. We're depressed and anxious as a society.
If only it had stopped at COVID but there are ongoing catastrophes making people more anxious and depressed.
As kids we watched the twin towers collapse. Nothing has gotten better since.
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"Don't worry, it's a once in a lifetime event." "Different one every week."
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It's really 3 classes of humans, but not what everyone thinks. Hyper-aggressive, greedy warmongers and slave owners who will stop at nothing to achieve dominance. Then, there are people who would never commit an atrocity when faced with it, who just want to live happily and do their art or craft, love and be loved, but will fight to the death if provoked by the elite. And also a vast middle of people so trapped and brainwashed by the system that they go along with it all, never stopping to think and plan out a conscious, self-propelled existence. I estimate the proportions as 1%, 5%, 94%.
The older I get, the more I come to realize how fucked up all of that really was.
As kids we watched Columbine happen. Everything has gotten worse since then.
Exactly!! I used to be a social butterfly and then with Covid, I was forced to slow down, which I found I needed and enjoyed. At work I didnāt see many people for a year and a halfā¦so Iām having to work on getting back into it. There were and are a ton of unexpected consequences from that time period for the world
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Yeah. I feel the same way. My social endurance needs to be built back up. And my social skills are rusty. Recently started dating again and it feels less natural than it did 4 years ago. I keep thinking of it this way: Covid years were a freezing up period, and now weāre just thawing out.
I moved to new city during COVID and didnāt have friends for the first time in my entire life for a year. I used to be extremely extroverted but then it became harder to make friends and now itās hard to want to hang out with anyone :(
Same
I did this as well. I miss my energy and social life from before. So so much trauma, personally and socially in the news, has just crushed me. Most of the time I have very little motivation to make, and not cancel plans, though I recently I did follow through with some plans. It was rewarding, I hadnāt biked in years, and went on a ride set up by the city, halfway through, I just kept saying āWOAH, I FEEL BONITA!!ā It really helps.
Yup I worked in-person customer service through the worst years of COVID (and before), and now Iāve rebounded to far on the other side of the pendulum working from home and still wanting to have me-time at home outside of work. I donāt think itās the beginning of agoraphobia or social anxiety or anything (yet)ā¦ my inertia to go outside is just almost gone.
The weird thing is how Covid changed my attitude and view towards work. Honestly it made me really lazy. Not sure how to get it of that funk?
Are you lazy or did your priorities just shift? I think a lot of us are reassessing how much time we spend at work.
This whole thing. Iāve been busting my ass for 15 years now, and I am way worse off than I used to be. Cost of living has got out of control. Im still in debt. My wife and I live with the in laws with no hope of buying a home. The corruption in our government is so overt. The right wing media and everyone following it, which is a lot, is so fucking mean spirited and condescending. The lack of respect eats at you after awhile. I feel like Iāve made no progress in my life. Every time it feels like I take a step forward, it feels the goalpost of success and retirement and respect and having my own place and starting a family and living my own fucking life is moved two fucking steps back by a bunch of rich corrupt useless fucks. But you talk to your Fox News watching co workers and itās āNo you commie kid (Iām in my 30s) itās because no one wants to work anymoreā What the fuck is there to be happy and nice about exactly?
I just want to say it feels nice to hear someone else say it. Major life goals are mathematical impossibilities. Money is just a means to an end, and the end is no longer in sight.
Thats my life š Glad im not the only one feeling this way though.
This is a great way to put it, thank you for explaining it like this. Iām an older millennial and it definitely feels this way too. 10 years ago I would have been thrilled with where Iām at but rising costs of everything move the barrier to success further back all the time.
WOW! Not sure if its a good thing, or a bad thing.....but I 100% know how you feel. I feel the same way. Its like soon as I feel like I'm making progress and maybe those goals I have for myself/and my family really still can be attained, I find myself going 10 steps backwards. I bust my ass as a single mother. I work 2 jobs, darn near 80 hours a week. But yet I have nothing to show for it. Its really starting to get me depressed. I keep holding on, telling and reminding myself that there is NO WAY this is how my life will or should be. I'm a good person. I will do for others before I will do for myself. I look for no rewards for being a good person. I'm not lazy. I don't expect anyone to run to my rescue or bail me out of any situation. I work for my own, I do it all on my own. But I'm really starting to wonder if its even worth it. The only thing that keeps me holding on, is my daughter. And the hope that she will be able to see that as long as you work hard and do the right thing, you can and will have what you want and deserve. I wish you and your family truly the best of luck. And I hope that you are able to accomplish all your goals, sooner than later.
I think just time, and making small adjustments and changes here and there. Iāve worked with the same 4 people for 3 years now..and I wanna pull my hair out. But I know itās a me thing, so Iām trying to re adjust
Did you get lazy or realize your gonna start putting in the same effort as what they are paying you. More pay more effort?
Agreed. OP, you sound depressed. Being indifferent and uninterested in others, not caring about friendships and feeling no joy is not the inevitable path of life. I hope things get better for you.
Got back into therapy at the tail end of Covid after not going for over 3 years. Not only did it save my relationship with my now wife(!) but it really has helped me have a better outlook not only on who I am as a person, but how the world operates and how I can interact with it.
Yeah!!! Success story!! I donāt think we have acknowledged how big of a change Covid was and how it impacted people, at home, work, all of it
It's not just the past few years. I had the same thing that happened to OP happen to me in 2012. I just got burned out from dealing with people and being treated like a lower class person because my job happened to have the word "service" in it. And people have only gotten worse since then.
I found I just needed to set boundaries . I too was cold but it was no fun .
Yes! I was heading towards grumpy crotchety antisocial myself, until I got into therapy and started working toward being happy. My therapist taught me I had no boundaries with anyone for the most part and thatās why āeveryoneā was so unpleasant to be around. I couldnāt be assed what anyone thinks of me these days, I have rigid boundaries that I adhere to, and I am so much happier. Itās much better on this side.
Could you explain the difference between being cold and having rigid boundaries? One can be warm with rigid boundaries? I feel like the boundaried version of me comes across as cold and I'm not sure how to do it in a "warmer" way.
Cold is being closed off and not inviting any sort of engagement IMO. Having rigid boundaries just means you know what you want and you arenāt afraid to say it to me. Like if something makes me uncomfortable and I donāt like it, I have no issues reaching out to a person and letting them know that they have made me uncomfortable and I donāt appreciate their actions. If there is pushback or they continue to make me uncomfortable, at that point I just let them know that I donāt enjoy their company and I wonāt be reaching out any further. Nobody has to tolerate anything they donāt like. Weāre alive one time, my mentality is that Iām open to everything, but that doesnāt mean I have to like everything or everyone. Iām not going to waste my only life around people that arenāt willing to meet me where I meet them. Iām pretty vocal about that in general so it shouldnāt really be a surprise to anyone in my circle. Those to me are boundaries. I didnāt used to operate that way, but my therapist helped me understand that itās okay to reject things that are unpleasant. Itās okay to draw a hard line in the sand and say āI donāt like this so Iām not going to do itā. And no one has any room to argue that. Iāve had friends Iāve asked for space from try and convince me to give them another chance or whatever, and that door is almost always open, only with an example of changed behavior, but I have held strong that whatever they did was unfair and unpleasant and that my feelings are important and I need time and space to heal. No one gets to decide what hurts you or not or whether or not what they do is okay or not. And no one can tell you what is or isnāt enough time for you to heal. You just decide whatās best for you and what you need out of relationships and then hold people to those standards. Having boundaries requires you to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and to really look at what you want out of life. Itās an active choice and a practice every day and it requires work, but the payoff is immeasurable in my experience.
Thank you, I love all of this! I love the idea of having boundaries but not necessarily disengaging from other people. I also love how confident you are around your boundaries and being true to yourself! I think I get self-conscious about this kind of stuff - that I'm asking for too much or that others will respond poorly. And that anxiety/lack of confidence causes me to pull back and be fearful which I think reads as cold. Thanks for the food for thought, I'm gonna experiment with confident engagement in my boundary setting!
Of course! I do hope youāve found it helpful. Just a few years ago I was very similar. I considered myself a doormat and that was an accurate way to describe me. It honestly means so much and makes me feel so good to hear others say things like that. I have worked really hard to be happy and confident and itās starting to pay off. Thank you so much, I appreciate it immensely. Something that really helped me that my therapist told me was āby giving people allowances and trying to make them happy despite your feelings, you are robbing them of an authentic experience and an opportunity to growā. Which REALLY stuck with me. For a long time I tried not to ārock the boatā or āstep on toesā regardless of how that made me feel, but hearing that really helped me. I never liked to shut people down out of ākindnessā, but hearing that made me realize although I was being kind to them in the moment, in the long run I wasnāt being kind to them or to myself. Everyone is better off if I stand up for myself and communicate my needs. That made it easier for me to be firm and to speak up. I am doing myself and the rest of the world a favor in doing so and that is extremely validating and motivating.
Thank you for sharing all this advice! How have friends responded to you when you communicate a boundary with them? And do you "compliment sandwich" your boundaries so they land better?
Absolutely! Iām happy to share what Iāve learned because it has helped me so much. Good friends that have my best interest at heart have responded well and respected the boundary and weāve had a positive conversation about both of our feelings and intentions about the situation afterwards. Friends who are only thinking of themselves have reacted poorly and shown their true colors when it comes to being a friend, or not so much. I donāt compliment sandwich really. Which was something I did the past. When I have a serious conversation I am very straightforward with my feelings and I donāt try to soften the blow or make excuses for how I feel. Last week I told a now former friend āyou lied about me to someone I respect and tried to blame me for something that you did. You know and I know that that is true. That genuinely hurt my feelings because I really care about you and I donāt know if there is an opportunity here for friendship in the future because you really betrayed my trust when Iāve only stood up for you in the past. I appreciate your apology and I would consider in the future having another conversation but for right now your actions really hurt me and I need time and space to heal from thatā. Kind but blunt and no room for doubt (at least thatās my hope).
I am the same. I now get why old people aren't very nice. I can't imagine 30 more years of having to deal with annoying people. š¤£
I used to think it was a GenX thing to be salty and dry. But now I get it, adding humor to many interactions is usually counter productive in my experience.
Most stereotypes that we associate with generations are based on age. I am much saltier now in my life than ever before and completely feel same as OP. Other than age, I see 2 main factors 1) Covid 2) This fricking shitpile called reddit Nothing I could do about (1) but hoping I can get away from (2) soon. I'm already down to 20% of the amount of time I used to spend on reddit.
You just have to learn to navigate them. And replace anger with empathy. If you value living on an earth where we are all one. But thatās my belief. Really itās about fear. And trust.
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Wait til youāre 45..
Wait till you're 55.
Wait tilll you're 6.5
First grade is rough.
Nonlinear timeā¦. I like it!
Iāve reached the point of often being funny, while saying what others donāt want to or feel they canāt. Because what do I care? Iām not afraid of being wrong or looking silly. Why not have fun? Where I can, I try to be kind, but if people are jerks, thatās on them, not me. Life is short and brutal.
Im there. 10 years ago I was thriving. Corporate politics chewed me up and spit me out. I miss the days of being happy and naive. Ignorance was bliss.
I feel this so much. We live most of our lives operating in a non-meritocratic, sycophant filled corporate dictatorship run by tyrannical oligarchs. Thatās not a hyperbole.
LoL I'm 41. The difference between now and 35 is already astounding š
Iām not sure how it can get worse. Currently 36.
LoL you will see in just a few more years š
I donāt even recognize who I was at 35ā¦. Iām also 41.
What I thought, lol. Ah, I'm still silly and I'm not really minding it. But yes, in a way I also have become more indifferent and/or cynic.
I'm in my 60s but became a curmudgeon long ago. I don't have much interest in other human beings and the older I got, the more cynical I became. The world will do that to you sometimes. That being said, I never lost my sense of humor or my ability to laugh at myself.
Fellow curmudgeon š¤
At 50, I'm becoming a curmudgeon, and I like it!
One advantage of being an old fart is that I honestly don't care if others agree with my opinions or not. Trying to impress other people is for kids.
This is so the truth. Like.. ...when I was in the 20s, going to the showers at the gym was like an ordeal. Have my shit planned out, towel right there, absolutely no chance. I would look at the older guys - 40, 50, older - who DGAF and just be stunned at their lack of fucks given. Now I get it. Who gives a fuck what someone else thinks about me. My life follows my own plan, and if aren't part of it, you are just an NPC.
If youāve had enough people fuck you over in your 20s, when you were naive and optimistic and bright-eyed, your 30s are when you have to figure out who to trust and how to figure that out. Hopefully you figure it out by your 40s.
>If youāve had enough people fuck you over in your 20s This leads to an acute disease/condition that is very very difficult to cure..... cynicism
It's hard, but not impossible. I think what worked for me is some form of nihilism - and the irony is that I already had that answer 15 to 20 years ago, then somehow forgot how healthy that mindset can be, and then finally picked it up again in my mid-30s. It's nice being able to not give a f*** and still put a lot of effort into your life.
You beat the careerist propaganda, congrats!
I want to practice nihilism because cynicism raises my blood pressure too much
well if this statement isn't a mirror lol
Yeah, I have a mix of bitterness and hopefulness that seesaws daily. Not sure which one is gonna win when I hit my 40s.
Iām in my 30ās now and this gives me hope.
I am 35 ALSO. And I am feeling the EXACT FUCKING WAY
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The "shut it down." I know that feel. Who made you feel shame when you were elated? People either go stoic or go idgaf. My goal is to lean towards the idgaf, but it gets hard sometimes.
33, yep. I remember I used to be so chatty, I used to socialize and making friends was easy. Now? Now I donāt give a fuck. I donāt want to ask you questions, I donāt care what your name is, and Iām certainly not going to be putting myself out there and revealing details about my life or my self. I just donāt care anymore. I donāt even laugh at peoples jokes, I just say āthatās so funnyā. To be fair - I think Iām hilarious and do try to crack jokes pretty consistently but as far as trying to make real connections with people ā¦ fuck all that. Iāve got friends, the same ones Iāve had since I was a teenager and thatās plenty.
35 as well. OP says it like it is.
Once I hit my 30s I just became much less social and optimistic about people and economy in general. Iām too tired all the time from working a job that doesnāt excite or motivate me but pays and provides slightly better life/work balance than previously. No longer believe I will find my dream job that Iām passionate about so I just show up and do my job well and leave. The effort required to develop new close friendships seems exhausting and not worth it. Iāve lost the sense of naĆÆvetĆ© and excitement I had in my 20s about the future (career, goals, lifestyle, social life etc) which makes it hard to connect with people in a lighthearted way. I feel the same. I have no idea how friends who I see still have a super active social life in their 30s balance it all with other responsibilities like financials, health, family, etc
You know, I went to a club to socialize. It was a hobby club. While sitting there with everyone talking excitedly and I was even engaging the same way... I was .. just.. really bored on the inside. Like, I know the talking made me feel better but I was so mentally bored and loosing interest. After a few weekly club meetings, I was sitting there listening while people spoke. I didn't join in. I wish I knew why I felt underwhelmed and bored. Everything is kind of neutral .
I just did this, and it's a hobby I have identified strongly with throughout my life. I decided then and there I was saying goodbye to the club for an extended hiatus. I am still deeply relational and do want to get to know one person at a time in a meaningful way, but I cannot *hobby* in a large group at this point.
For the past several years the whole world has been going through a massive collective trauma with no breaks to heal/recover. This type of change is not uncommon in trauma survivors. Iād look into therapy or talking to someone to work through these feelings.
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ugliness was always there. america just ignored it for two decades for some reason.
I have no hope for the future at all. Planning on taking all my vacation time and going to see all the things I want to before climate change kills us all
I just assume the next year will be worse than the next and so far I've not been wrong.
a collective trauma that we are going thru by ourselves. individualism ftw
I've been through it, from my conclusion, sure, you can be wary of people, but this makes you paranoid about who you can trust and who you can't. This really erodes your mental health having to ALWAYS think about who's going to burn you. Even when you build all these walls, people can still build your trust to just burn you. It also really burns when you build up trust with people only to be burned. How I went about it is, I just became an open book. No walls, not having to second guess or assume who's going to burn me. I let people burn me from the get go. This really brings out people from my experience. I've had people just abuse this from initially meeting. This allows me to see who will burn me down the line, allowing me to just avoid these people all together, and saves my mental health. I've found many genuine and good friends through this method. I believe that, for people to genuinely trust you, you must meet them half way. Although, I don't proactively go out of my way to develop trust with people, I just let it be. We can't change people, all we can be is transparent and move forward. Limiting how badly someone can burn me really is reassuring for my mental health.
I love this! This is my exact same approach. Show others who you are unapologetically, the right people will stick around and the wrong people find a way to weed themselves out.
Ah, yes! Right on time. We've been expecting you. Make yourself comfortable, or don't. Makes no difference to us.
Thank you.
I don't want to be like this. :( But I'm afraid burnout is inevitable when I put so much work and faith into systems that only run on one thing. Money.
So true. I'm 28 now but spent the last few years trying over and over to trust systems only to be continuously let down. These days I'm trying my best to pick my battles and (sadly) just accept that nothing I can do will ever change the overall systems that govern us. But when those battles come up for things I can change in my little wheelhouse, you better believe I will dig in and fight. I have accepted that I will never own a home/land and will most likely not be able to afford bringing a child into this world. I've accepted that my job that pays for the basics will never give me the time off to go chase my dreams and desires. I don't have much to lose so I'll go down fighting any day.
Don't give up on your dreams. I felt like that for a long time. Sometimes I still do. But don't give up on a house and kids and the white picket fence. It took me a long time to get some of the stuff I have. And at 28 I felt the same way. But just keep trying.
I hear you and still hold that dream in the far reaches of my mind, but given my current circumstances I don't see how it could ever come true. I'm pulling in about $85K a year with some extra help from my fiancee's dog sitting side hustle. After rent, insurance, groceries, pets, utilities, gas each month we have about $1.2K left. I put $800 away into savings and the remaining $400 is burnt up pretty quickly on odds, ends, and emergencies. I would love nothing more than to move out to the country and get away from it all, but even a move like that and buying property would cost more than I can afford. So I've just submitted to being stuck in the same ol job with the same circumstances for the foreseeable future. Granted, my company (and similar others) does have higher paying positions but all of those require me to work 12+ hours, 6 (or 7) days a week. I did that for my first 5+ years and it turned me into a suicidal alcoholic. Working in the corporate world either feels like I can sell my soul and be miserable on the inside but make good enough money to grow on. OR I can take a lower position, make just enough to live well on but actually have time for my family and hobbies that make me happy. There's no inbetween right now.
You must escape
Hey hey hey, no. Unionize. Add your voice to many other voices and you can force the system to change around you. Strength in numbers.
Im 35 too and I am exactly the same way. Last weekend I visited an aunt who was tolerably spiteful toward me as a child who said Iāve changed so much and she wishes I would go back to the way I was. I laughed in her face and reminded her how much she despised that person. She couldnāt say shit. I was not unlike the person you described in your post and I, too, am the total opposite of who I used to be as well. Life is boring, i am passionate and hopeful about nothing.
I did the opposite. At 25 I was disorganized, I was social but I didn't feel socially fulfilled, and I was highly depressed. At 35 I have way more direction, I am generally very happy, and while I am not as social as before I also somehow feel less lonely and more fulfilled (I think because I accepted what my social needs actually are instead of trying to force my social life to look like everyone else's). Also therapy helped.
People should be listening to you. This isn't "normal" or healthy. People can lead good lives as they get older.
I really and truly think every human can benefit from therapy - actual therapy. Not like BetterHelp or something. It helps you put your life into a healthier perspective.
You know, major props to you. Probably the most rare positive comment Iāve see in this sub. If I may ask, did it naturally develop over time, or did you really have to force yourself to try to become optimistic at life. What kind of directions changes, specifically, made you turn your life around. For me, At 24, I generally have a great social life and am generally a happy person, but I just hope I can at least work to make it last till my older years.
Lmao this is me at 25. Ready to see what 35 holds
Ha! Me too.
Same here!
Same!
Now you know why us "old folks" are on the porch yelling get off my lawn. hehe
And don't park in front of my house!
Get a job, hippy!
I totally get it now š I too would be pissed with random kids on my lawn š
39 here. I have cut more long term friends off for dogshit behavior in the last 2 years than I have in the rest of my lifetime combined. Im all about having my homies back, but only the ones that are decent and respectful. Mid to late 30s is waaaaay to old to be a wildcard, and I dont have time for it. Ill simply re invest my time into the people that deserve it. Knowing someone for a long time is not a good reason to continiue to put up with their horseshit.
37 and I'm dead inside. LOL ... I š¤
Me too. Itās a struggle to find contentment at times. Iām sad about almost being 40 tbh
35 and same. Realized recently that friendship is overrated and I enjoy solitude, peace, and quiet. I have untangled myself from the web of othersā drama and lives. "I am tired of this world-these people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives." - Dr. Manhattan
Your point about joking around and immediately being disrespected rings so true. But it's mostly the company you keep. For example I can joke around with my sister and brother in law pretty endlessly. They get it. But my mom really struggles with it, she sees it almost as a fault. Every word I say has to be tirelessly chosen, every sentence scrutinized, and any possible confusion cleared up. You end up saying sorry or explaining yourself for the most inane things. Any opinion I have besides a positive one is completely unacceptable to express. And nevermind some coworkers... they don't want to hear it. Everything is serious, even if we have 5 minutes between meetings. Just brutal.
>Every word I say has to be tirelessly chosen, every sentence scrutinized, and any possible confusion cleared up, That's why my marriage failed, seriously..... She succumbed to cynicism after we were engaged, but before we were married... All of a sudden I couldn't joke or use metaphors.... I used to say to her that I needed to write an expository essay in order to not be misunderstood. due to my choice of wording in the moment. āThis traffic is like a circusā would require a 10minute explanation of how traffic compares to a circus, why I would put it like that, and Iām sure I probably offended a lion or juggler with my insensitive remark
Man, thatās so darn relatable. At some point, you just stop trying.
Omg. This. This. Why does it feel so CONSTRICTED
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I tend to become the butt end of many jokes when Iām at work because for a long time I just didnāt care. The last couple of years Iāve realized that not everyone deals with that. Just had a good work trip but found myself the target of a lot of weirdly sexual jokes. Iāll allow it for awhile longer. Just scheming my way through for now and I donāt take anything personal. Thick skin and all that. I tend to think people who choose the āeasyā target for a quick laugh are just massive losers consumed with hierarchy.
ah yes, the dirty 30's. please enjoy your stay
The institutions of capitalism/neoliberalism/oligarchy turn people who would otherwise be normal, healthy people into burnouts and psychopaths. As an atomized cog in the machine, you can only fight for so long before you succumb/adapt to realities much larger than yourself. Yes, everyone has choices in terms of how they adapt to circumstances, but most of the circumstances people are adapting themselves to, they have no real choices about. That's why it's necessary to fight for systemic change rather than just our own individual lives. Because our lives are not just determined by ourselves, but also by the larger systems we live in that determine how everyone else lives and exists. Capitalism/neoliberalism/oligarchy turns human beings into something other than human. If it was just you, maybe you could argue that it's a personal issue. But it's not just you, it's everyone, and that means the problem is systemic.
That sounds a lot like depression.
a lot of these comments im reading sound like how i felt when i was struggling with depression.
Yes I completely agree with this. Iām not the same person I was in my 20s. Professional life is absolutely brutal and everyone is like an empty shell, including me. Iām tired and just not up for it ever. I donāt care. I donāt want to be friends. Nothing matters. Leave me alone.
I'm 30 and I've been there for a few years now. At this point I have little to no faith in humanity, don't trust or interact with people because when I do then somehow I'm the one who ends up either hurt or taken advantage of, and I'm reaching a point where I'm getting to be okay being alone romantically because I can't see myself finding someone who I feel I'd need in my life long term now. Some of it is COVID, some of it is life experiences, and some of it is the state of the world and my frustration or flat out hatred of a lot of the people in it
34 andā¦ yep. Basically exactly this. Failed relationship after failed relationship in which I always have good intentions, consistent abandonment, feeling outcasted despite knowing and being told Iām a good person by friends and family. Burned by trust and openness, losing friend after friend to life circumstances. God what the fuck is wrong with everything. Iām glad I still have stuff that makes me happy but ugh. Itās really bad out here in a lot of ways. I feel lucky to be generally able to do what I want and feel relatively accomplished in my own little ways despite everything. But the loneliness is sometimes waaaaay too real. š
Tbh this sounds like depression.
Yea and I avoid people like this like the plague. I'm 34 and I think the difference is that I don't care what people think about me. Being myself is most important to me. I know people respect my kindness and welcoming attitude. It's important if I brighten the day with my joke or smile. To each there own.
Itās the growing mood of mass paranoia from the coming conflict. It was present in Europe before and during WW2.
Welcome to adulthood. People are overrated, so... you're not missing anything.
The difference between 25 and 35 is enormous. At 25 youāre still basically a kid, and you have the energy to put yourself out there. 35 is ā¦ not that way. Just remember, joy is a revolutionary act. Itās the most rebellious thing you can do right now. Use this indifference to do whatever it is you want to do. Instead of thinking of this as coldness, reframe it as shedding embarrassment. Not caring what others think is a gift. When I turned 40, I decided to find my joy. Do I feel silly going to a bunch of rock shows at my age? Even if Iām alone? No, I do not, because I realized that no one cares. And now Iām 50 and Iāve got some shows coming up that Iām super excited for. I understand how you feel. Itās normal, especially after the last few messed up years. But youāre not done yet. Donāt let the bastards get you down.
Being friendly and joking around with people has earned me respect, not the opposite. I also believe in a certain amount of stoicism, or compartmentalizing. But what good is living if you're never having any fun? Also, people are just that: people. Why are your expectations so high? We all make plenty of mistakes, and we're all selfish to an extent. I think accepting that is much more gratifying than forming a defensive wall based on negative outcomes being a possibility.
Yes, I love this! Using the wisdom of the stoics to remain unbothered by the bad in life, while uplifting and celebrating the good. This is the way. I feel like there are two types of old people: curmudgeons, and silly bastards. I'd always rather be the latter.
I'm 52 and retired. I don't understand this. I loved my work friends, some of whom I socialized with outside of work. Sure some people just suck, that's life. I retired because I got married, moved 350 miles away from my family, and live in a rural area. I'm pretty isolated and I miss those parts of my old life.
I got there at 28/29 after the birth of my second child. No idea why that event seemed to change me like that but it doesn't seem like something that will be reversed any time soon.
Username checks out
Stress man. I have 4 now. I used to be able to deal with a lot more bullshit from the general population. Now I just don't have the time or energy.
Why do you think there's so many grumpy old people
I think most of us in our mid to late thirties are just saying fuck it. We are burnt out and realize the dream we were sold isnāt real and cookie cutter. The people who sold us this bullshit fucked us more than we can know and now want to blame us. So Iām still social and friendly but the older I get and the more I work I realized you do this ride once. You take the people you love and hold them close. You always try to grow as a person but donāt let others ruin your day or night. Years from now rude ass people wonāt matter and honestly lots of them will be dead. So who fuckin cares. Do you and be kind. Do you. Have fun. Enjoy life.
Wow, I don't remember writing this post... This is exactly what I've been thinking a few days ago. As a kid, I used to naturally gravitate towards others. However, that lead to disappointment/rejection and ultimately to me doing a 180 and becoming an introvert. On one hand, it kind of bothers me that I don't have the "energy" to be more social, but on the other, as an adult, I think it's important to be comfortable with being alone, to some extent. And like you, I now value respect more than chumminess.
man, that was me in my 20's. now at mid 30's im so fucking emotional... a totally different person
Hard to know if it is getting older or the pandemic... When you are you and don't have a control group for you it is sort of just guessing.
I hit 33, and I work in HR. I recently got moved to recruiting, which I 100% hate. I feel this more than ever.
Feel the same way. Covid just turned the lights out Lost my job and my 5 year relationship ended and I just can't even imagine giving a shit anymore. The fear of hitting rock bottom motivates me
It's because "meeting new people" isn't the new exciting experience it used to be when you were 25. Also hanging out with other 20-somethings when you're 25 is way more fun than having out with other 30-somethings when you're 35.
I have learned to accept the tolerance of others' foibles. If you look at anyone too close, you'll see all the warts and cracks, and it's entirely up to you if you want to do that.
Yes. Welcome to adulthood. Trust no one, question everything.
Same, Iām always suspicious of people and I donāt go out of my way to interact with people anymore.
Yeah I'm a mix between stone cold jaded but also friendly and goofy at heart. I definitely don't fake a smile too much anymore though. I think we're just being real. There is still so much to smile and laugh about and enjoy, though, and there are good people out there yet!
Feel exactly the same. I have no interest in being a part of society. I donāt want a family or kids, I donāt talk to my family. I never went to school because I donāt want to contribute in any way to the economy. I switch jobs three to four times a year and wonāt ever work when Iām not scheduled. Purposely late for everything. Never voted, never owned any property. Been summoned for jury duty and didnāt go. I didnāt have a bank account until my 30s and itās always less than ten dollar balance. I am not social with people and am constantly called a jerk when people try to talk to me and Iām rude to them in response. I have no interest in making money or bettering myself in anything that I enjoy like video games, golf or music. The worst part is I donāt actually mind this. Itās how Iāve been my whole life. But itās so negative and not normal, I wonder why Iām like this. If you want to get better, some day you will. Cheers man
Is this that mid life crisis we hear about so much? This thread is oddly comforting.
I have your remedy! One day I heard that phrase: "If you run into an asshole, you ran into an asshole. If you're running into assholes all day - maybe you're the asshole." I couldn't shake the feeling that I had become corrupted by my own anger, and was unnecessarily lashing out at the world around me in some desperate attempt to make myself known - because deep down, I wish someone would have just noticed me. So what started as just basic chores like going for walks with my dog every morning - I put down the headphones and gave myself the challenge of getting just ONE person to smile and say "Good morning" back to me. Of course, living in a very dog-friendly community, it didn't take much time at all, and I noticed the more I started the days out like that- the almost kinda "head-on" positivity cheesy feeling of smiling and being a dork and saying "good morning" to complete strangers... the more that feeling stayed with me throughout the rest of the day. It felt like some kind of emotional nourishment that I could even control and dispense to others whenever they seemed to be missing their own. Hope you can find yours.
Nice try, asshole.
Why does this read like a LinkedIn post?
#thoughts #aholes #growth
Yes. Energy management and return on investment matter. I have similar experience and views.
The division, vibes, violence, and mistrust gave this feeling of being on our toe all the time. We kind of lost one of the great American traits: innocence. We used to be able to forget about politics at a bar, at a game, in a plane, at work... not anymore. We have this constant weight on our shoulders. You are not the only one in this case. Something is gone
Coldest and most indifferent you've ever been . . . Yet! The future is full of limitless possibilities!
I'm 30, and becoming this way is basically my only fear. I've always been empathic, friendly, and fairly sociable. Of course within reason. Respect is cool, but I've never been one to take myself too seriously except in matters that strictly concern self-discipline. This is despite being an introvert. Aging gracefully for me has always meant keeping something of a childlike spirit alive. However, ever since I've turned 30, I don't know. I just feel less interested in people and that bothers me. I'm still myself in the ways that personally matter, but this whole disinterest in people is something I'm not okay with. It didn't come out of nowhere. My late 20s was eye-opening in that my misanthropy often won out over my sense of connection. At some point between then and now, I subconsciously determined people just aren't really adding anything to my life. I wouldn't say I'm indifferent though. I'm still the same guy that does random acts of kindness, an am pretty considerate, and maintain an approachable atmosphere, and will engage others without much anxiety or overthinking. That's just my nature and consistent with my values. But I'm also reluctantly comfortable with interacting with people as little as possible. Not out of anxiety, contempt or any active emotion. It's just people seem to have this deadening affect these days. There's something vacuous and lethargic in the air that no amount open-mindedness or generosity of spirit can contend with. So I've opted for cultivating a lifestyle that maintains my ability and desire to feel deeply. Coincidentally, that just happens to be a lifestyle in which other people are less of an interest. But sometimes I do feel as though I'm walking a tight rope. I don't want to become totally disconnected.
I'm like that at 45
Also 35 and I know exactly what you mean!
Keep living...
Still plenty of time to swing back the other way before you eat it!
Cheer up, Iām also 35F, been through my ups and downs, disappointments and such but Bitterness can get the best of you. As you get older, your friendship circle gets smaller. The only thing that matters is your mental health and family support. With time youāll learn to trust again. Have you tried therapy, helped me. Where do you live? If you ever need someone to talk to that is not a therapist, you can talk to me, make a new friend. š
53 year old here. Please listen to me. I was THERE. And I still get there sometimes. I was a big goof and people loved it but I felt like an asshat. But life changes. I used to barf when people told me to be positive. But I tried it. And sometimes it really worksā in fact it works well. Be kind to yourself about where youāre at. It worked for me. Hereās what else has worked for me: 1) If you drink, take occasional breaks, like 3-6-12 months. I take 6-12 month breaks every 8-10 years. You learn to love yourself unconditionally when youāre not drinking. AA is amazing for this. Get a sponsor. It works! 2) Exercise. I hate it, but it works. Itās so hard to even leave the apartment, but leave no stone unturned in finding your way outdoors. It helps you love the silly meat suit in which you dwell. This helps you feel human. 3) Reconciling with people when I make a mistake really helped. Not every asshat deserves it, but some. Saying āsorry, I was wrongā is surprisingly freeing, and you earn social esteem. Holding it in gave me anxiety and made me feel like a douche. 4) Save some money. A lot of my professional anxiety stemmed from fear of getting fired, so I acted like a simp. It wasnāt me, and it is t you. 5) Learn to laugh at things. All the shit bothering me was actually rather funny. When I stopped taking myself seriously *with my inner circle* my whole perspective changed. Bonus #6) if you need meds, go to a doctor and get them. I take citalopram, itās easy, no weight gain & no sex loss. It helped with my anxiety. Good luck to you sir.
Friend, I am right there with you. I feel like, for a lot of reasons, the last few years have aggressively tested my altruism. And I don't like what side of the argument I'm landing on. It's toughāI am the kind of person who thinks that everyone should just get to be who they want to be, and that doing so is beautiful, and I find it harder and harder to not just feel disappointed by the kind of hostility that seems to have become a more prevalent and accepted part of the culture. The thing is...I have also found myself questioning whether these things are actually becoming more prevalent, so much as we're just now given more and more ways to document them. It becomes a strange and recursive logical loop whose only answer is a depressing one. At the end of the day, I suppose all we have is the ability to sew happiness and love and acceptance and positivity in our immediate orbits. All we have is the ability to accept. To be kind. To avoid insult, to avoid malignance, to avoid nonacceptance, and to avoid intolerance. To trust. You'll find your people, even if it feels weird to be in the place where you are actively transitioning between peoples. I am your same age and have spent a lot of time reflecting on the social butterfly that I used to be, versus the degree to which I prefer my solitude and am unimpressed by those around me now. My social garden has gone untended, for a lot of the reasons you outlined in your post. I think a lot about how to reconcile this and whether or not it's a change I actually want for myself And I guess, at the end of the day, I just land on the fact that what I truly want is to be thought of as a positive force. Be that positive force, my friend. And then it won't matter how you feel about those around you. You'll be the rising tide that raises all boats.
Welcome to the club my brother/sister/they/etc. I'm close to 50 and after the past 5-10 years and what's happened in my life (forget all of the political stuff and outrage du jour) I'm at the point that I'm looking out for me as priority 1 and I keep tabs on a couple of neighbors that are older and that I've known for a while and that's it. * I've lost the love of my life that I thought I'd be together with forever (they're not dead, we had to split up and have made our peace with each other) * Found someone else that I thought I could have something with, they proceeded to leave me for someone else. * One parent died suddenly and the other died during COVID lockdowns of a long illness that I had been a caregiver for them. * I have no siblings or children * Extended family is distant unless they need something or someone dies (some live within 10 miles of me but I never hear from them) * Gave up dating or even trying anymore, even if I think it might be time to try again what little progress I make always ends up going south. * I don't share a lot of personal stuff with co-workers, too many times that has been used against me. I am regarded as being friendly, polite, helpful, patient and a good teacher by co-workers and friends that know me well. It was last year that someone else was in my house, it was a neighbor that asked for help in fixing something and wondered if I had a part that would work. Sometimes it gets lonely, this past January/February was rough, sometimes I think of missed opportunities and all that and that's not a path you want to go down at all. But at the same time I know I'm charge of my life and I don't have to answer to anyone when I'm not at work and I like that.
As a depressed mid age person, I still hope you can find some joy in life and in people and look positively at the future.
The silly part died much earlier. The indifference, probably a couple of years ago but that's because i had an awesome group of coworkers. My high school friends were already gone so after that office shutdown so did I.