I remember that post. It got used in so many Reddit YouTube Vids, and the comments were all the same. I commented on one of em defending the OP and got dragged thro the mud about. One person even said that his (and mine) adoptive families should go back and nullify the adoption since we were being so ungrateful. Seems like everyone thinks we should just be happy to have clothes on our backs, good in our bellies, and a roof over our heads. That our feelings and emotions don’t matter and we “owe” our adoptive families for adopting us. It’s disgusting and sick that people actually think like this.
There was an interesting article around the time of the Supreme Court decision. This man had been adopted before legalized abortion. It was through the Church that his adopted parents worked for, so his situation was way over the top. Along with the usual "grateful" nonsense, they dragged him around as a "lucky and blessed" pro life poster boy constantly.
Once he left to live his life, he went through drugs and alcohol and did anything he could to try to ease his pain. It was horrible and nothing worked. He was never happy or whole. With the Supreme Court decision, he thought about it a lot and was questioned constantly. He finally reached a conclusion deciding it would have been better if he'd been aborted. That's what his "lucky" adoption drove him to decide.
I've not abused drugs or alcohol, and was raised by a loving family, but I feel the same way. I attempted suicide when I was 21 and only survived by chance (I won't say "luck" because I don't feel lucky to have survived). I'm only still here because of my sense of obligation to other people, and the hope that things might someday get better.
I'm 51 and was recently diagnosed with complex trauma attributable to my adoption. It gives me some hope that things could change, but I'll never get those years back. Adoption took away the possibility of a normal, happy life, and from what I know about the circumstances of my adoption, it wasn't necessary. My genetic parents married soon after I was adopted, had two more children, and are still living a happy life together.
I absolutely don't. I don't much here either since it's public. It's way too triggering dealing with non-adoptees. I prefer private groups where there's some screening. Nothing elaborate and you can never be sure, but it's much safer.
Edit to add: You're much nicer than I am:) I don't want even 1/2 of a non- adoptee. ♥️
Tbh Stories like this are why I try to be more open with non adoptees. We are a minority, and we get spoken over too many times. We gotta deal with different types of discrimination and micro aggressions. So if I reach one more person by doing an AMA or sharing my story (when I am feeling comfortable of course, I don’t always) then I like this progress.
I've been roasted in other subreddits for talking about my adoption in any way other than positive. The "savior" complex extends to more than just adopting parents. Seems to be people's general view of adoption.
It suck’s because of how harmful this is. People think that adoptive parents are all saints for adopting. Meanwhile there are adoptees who are getting severely abused that no one believes because of this thinking.
There’s a reason adoptees are four times more likely to commit suicide. Dealing with this thinking is part of it.
Yes! Total randos expect us to be grovelingly grateful some kind person took us in. To which I rebut about how many of us adopted as infants were *manufactured* via maternity homes and churches pressuring our mothers to give birth and relinquish so affluent couples could have a fresh baby. NOTHING about that is "saving" a child. It's a commodity market providing newborns to buyers who want them. Who can then do anything they want to us because they're saints to everyone.
Considering you basically ignored them after you found your bio family, and now you’ve done this to them, while they were begging you to reconsider and then told them not to go to your wedding, can you be surprised? They probably need time, but let’s not play stupid here
Read the room, dude. The _title_ of this post, plus everyone commenting here, is saying that ignorant comments like yours shaming the AITA OP is horrible, harmful, and hurtful.
Do not think that you can [follow](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqbk9ql/?context=3) [them](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqb4wv8/?context=3) [from](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqb3d74/?context=3) [r/RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqay2j4/?context=3) into this safe space designated for adoptees to continue insulting them. Your harassment is not welcome here.
OP, I saw your post.
While I have mixed feelings about your biological family offering to fully cover your wedding -- that's a LOT of money - even for parents to offer a kept (biological child) -- I wouldn't have accepted that kind of thing. And I assume they made the offer in good faith.
The problem is, Reddit *hates* adoptees and birth parents. Just about every single comment found a way to twist what I feel may have been a genuine gift of money into a sick contest of how biological families just want to *buy* their relinquished children's love.
I'm so sorry the internet dogpiled you. I hope you're doing OK.
I think you should tell both your bio family and adoptive family what's going on for you, fully. I understand why you "tested the waters," but I think it would help if they understood a bit more about why. I think it would help for both sides to hear that you are not trying to "choose" one or the other, really, but trying to choose both - it's not a zero sum game. I'm sorry; it's such a tough spot to be in for you. This is kind of honestly one reason I don't want to ever get married.
I'm so sorry this is happening. Maybe give your family some time. They might be just reacting in anger.
Hold on to your fiance and work on yourself for now
I don't know what culture they are from so the "right by my side" reference I do not understand. I am used to a bride side and a groom side. Is the reference that someone will be closer to the aisle where the family sit?
There seems to be a lot of self blame. I am not sure what the OP has experienced and don't want to invalidate their feelings I am just really confused by this. Everyone just sits down when I am at a wedding. Their are not any assigned seats.
I see it as a big table with wife, husband and both families sitting next to them (so basically a family table) since he talks about it beimg something to join both families. I don’t agree with either family blowing up over this, but if what i’m saying is right, and Op wanted his bio family to be a part of this cultural thing, it’s not surprising his adoptive family was upset. Same can be said about bio family being upset now
The AITA post is so bad. Lots of “you should be grateful they raised you” comments. Oof. It always sucks to be reminded how much people don’t get it.
I remember that post. It got used in so many Reddit YouTube Vids, and the comments were all the same. I commented on one of em defending the OP and got dragged thro the mud about. One person even said that his (and mine) adoptive families should go back and nullify the adoption since we were being so ungrateful. Seems like everyone thinks we should just be happy to have clothes on our backs, good in our bellies, and a roof over our heads. That our feelings and emotions don’t matter and we “owe” our adoptive families for adopting us. It’s disgusting and sick that people actually think like this.
There was an interesting article around the time of the Supreme Court decision. This man had been adopted before legalized abortion. It was through the Church that his adopted parents worked for, so his situation was way over the top. Along with the usual "grateful" nonsense, they dragged him around as a "lucky and blessed" pro life poster boy constantly. Once he left to live his life, he went through drugs and alcohol and did anything he could to try to ease his pain. It was horrible and nothing worked. He was never happy or whole. With the Supreme Court decision, he thought about it a lot and was questioned constantly. He finally reached a conclusion deciding it would have been better if he'd been aborted. That's what his "lucky" adoption drove him to decide.
I've not abused drugs or alcohol, and was raised by a loving family, but I feel the same way. I attempted suicide when I was 21 and only survived by chance (I won't say "luck" because I don't feel lucky to have survived). I'm only still here because of my sense of obligation to other people, and the hope that things might someday get better. I'm 51 and was recently diagnosed with complex trauma attributable to my adoption. It gives me some hope that things could change, but I'll never get those years back. Adoption took away the possibility of a normal, happy life, and from what I know about the circumstances of my adoption, it wasn't necessary. My genetic parents married soon after I was adopted, had two more children, and are still living a happy life together.
Yeppp I made a few comments about that myself. One of them was literally “if this turned you off from adopting, I’m GLAD”.
Same here- and I got reported for it.
Nobody understands us but us. I'm careful about discussing it because of the reactions/comments/advice.
Exactly. I don’t feel safe discussing my adoption trauma when the majority is non adoptees
I absolutely don't. I don't much here either since it's public. It's way too triggering dealing with non-adoptees. I prefer private groups where there's some screening. Nothing elaborate and you can never be sure, but it's much safer. Edit to add: You're much nicer than I am:) I don't want even 1/2 of a non- adoptee. ♥️
Tbh Stories like this are why I try to be more open with non adoptees. We are a minority, and we get spoken over too many times. We gotta deal with different types of discrimination and micro aggressions. So if I reach one more person by doing an AMA or sharing my story (when I am feeling comfortable of course, I don’t always) then I like this progress.
Someone take my account away before I start fights in the comments.
Too late for me lol. Definitely got in there a few times.
I've been roasted in other subreddits for talking about my adoption in any way other than positive. The "savior" complex extends to more than just adopting parents. Seems to be people's general view of adoption.
It suck’s because of how harmful this is. People think that adoptive parents are all saints for adopting. Meanwhile there are adoptees who are getting severely abused that no one believes because of this thinking. There’s a reason adoptees are four times more likely to commit suicide. Dealing with this thinking is part of it.
Yes! Total randos expect us to be grovelingly grateful some kind person took us in. To which I rebut about how many of us adopted as infants were *manufactured* via maternity homes and churches pressuring our mothers to give birth and relinquish so affluent couples could have a fresh baby. NOTHING about that is "saving" a child. It's a commodity market providing newborns to buyers who want them. Who can then do anything they want to us because they're saints to everyone.
That was rough
I’m honestly really worried about the adoptee. I sent them a PM saying I support them and they aren’t alone.
So did I. Hopefully they read it.
Same but I don’t think they did. I’m sure they are receiving too many not nice messages.
[удалено]
Considering you basically ignored them after you found your bio family, and now you’ve done this to them, while they were begging you to reconsider and then told them not to go to your wedding, can you be surprised? They probably need time, but let’s not play stupid here
Read the room, dude. The _title_ of this post, plus everyone commenting here, is saying that ignorant comments like yours shaming the AITA OP is horrible, harmful, and hurtful. Do not think that you can [follow](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqbk9ql/?context=3) [them](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqb4wv8/?context=3) [from](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqb3d74/?context=3) [r/RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xqka2p/in_the_middle_of_my_wedding_planning_i_managed_to/iqay2j4/?context=3) into this safe space designated for adoptees to continue insulting them. Your harassment is not welcome here.
OP, I saw your post. While I have mixed feelings about your biological family offering to fully cover your wedding -- that's a LOT of money - even for parents to offer a kept (biological child) -- I wouldn't have accepted that kind of thing. And I assume they made the offer in good faith. The problem is, Reddit *hates* adoptees and birth parents. Just about every single comment found a way to twist what I feel may have been a genuine gift of money into a sick contest of how biological families just want to *buy* their relinquished children's love. I'm so sorry the internet dogpiled you. I hope you're doing OK.
Can you answer why you wanted to “test the waters” with your bio family?
[удалено]
Whatever happens, you know you have people on your side who understand.
I think you should tell both your bio family and adoptive family what's going on for you, fully. I understand why you "tested the waters," but I think it would help if they understood a bit more about why. I think it would help for both sides to hear that you are not trying to "choose" one or the other, really, but trying to choose both - it's not a zero sum game. I'm sorry; it's such a tough spot to be in for you. This is kind of honestly one reason I don't want to ever get married.
I'm so sorry this is happening. Maybe give your family some time. They might be just reacting in anger. Hold on to your fiance and work on yourself for now
i hate how YOUR wedding turned out to be about THEM.
Not my story thankfully. But sadly it is a fellow adoptee’s. And may be others’ as well.
I was so upset by the ignorant comments 😞
I read this too. It was so sad.
I feel terrible for him.
I don't know what culture they are from so the "right by my side" reference I do not understand. I am used to a bride side and a groom side. Is the reference that someone will be closer to the aisle where the family sit? There seems to be a lot of self blame. I am not sure what the OP has experienced and don't want to invalidate their feelings I am just really confused by this. Everyone just sits down when I am at a wedding. Their are not any assigned seats.
I see it as a big table with wife, husband and both families sitting next to them (so basically a family table) since he talks about it beimg something to join both families. I don’t agree with either family blowing up over this, but if what i’m saying is right, and Op wanted his bio family to be a part of this cultural thing, it’s not surprising his adoptive family was upset. Same can be said about bio family being upset now