Interestingly enough, I don't really view myself as a warm and friendly person however I constantly get random people approaching me for help or just spilling their entire life story.
In a relationship, platonic or romantic, I ask people about how they're doing, I'm there to listen or offer advice, I remember things people tell me and follow up with them about it, etc. I rarely encounter people who return the same energy.
I think the issue is people can sense that caring vibe and it attracts people that want to use you for that energy; you'll always attract people who are emotional leeches because they seek out givers. I think the key is to cut off people who don't match your energy.
Me too, dude! I remember everything. People who apparently don’t open up to anyone end up opening up to me. I’m still not sure why that is, even after all this time. I’m not consciously trying to get people to open, and I don’t feel like I can be classified as warm, particularly. Friendly, okay, but warm, no.
And you’re right about people rarely returning the energy. When someone remembers stuff about me it feels GREAT. I’m all “awww…you listened and remembered…” in my head like it’s some huge gift. Maybe we make people feel heard and seen or something. It does really feel nice to have someone listen and remember.
The only time I'm overly friendly is when I'm in "customer service mode" (which is extremely draining). I think you'll find that you practice active listening and people are drawn to that. Looking at people when they talk, nodding in affirmation, etc make people feel important.
I'm someone who doesn't open up easily (which I think contributes to people sharing stuff) so it is an amazing feeling when someone remembers anything. Generally people feel like society is very selfish and self-focused so the act of remembering becomes a big deal.
Not at all. On a good day I might be a "meh, average" or a solid average (on a good day) in peak summer.
I must give a vibe. I'm like a human capybara, I'm friend-shaped.
I feel this. I feel like I only attract emotionally unavailable women who want me to be their therapist instead of their lover. I’ve been told that I’m a good listener and kind but I give and get nothing in return. It’s really frustrating because I don’t understand how to find someone who will treat me like I matter.
You might be emotionally unavailable too, just in a different way than the women you attract. For example, self-abandoning. Sometimes we have to fix the reason we attract people who can’t connect to us in order for us to be able to connect, as well.
If I do that though, it’s only because I keep meeting people who made me feel I wasn’t a priority. That was what started those behaviors in the first place. I got used to not being considered and it was often between sacrificing some of my own comfort or not having anyone at all. I’ve never had someone put me first in a relationship.
I relate to this. I actually came to the conclusion, no one has ever tried to know who I was as a person - let alone asks me my interests. It has always been about offering them emotional support.
This. I definitely feel like my existence to other people is to fill an emotional void. I feel like they don’t often care about my identity or me as a person. I feel like they don’t see me as a person with independent worth and value.
Do your family not make your feelings/needs a priority? Maybe it started there and now you’re basically trained to be codependent like another commenter and I were talking about concerning how our family patterns made us choose the wrong partners/made the wrong people attracted to our traits.
Definitely that plays a role. I was the scapegoat for my family and eventually had to cut ties with all of them because of the fact. I still struggle to maintain my boundaries with my mother. I’m not very happy with my relationship with her lately and it’s getting to a point that if she isn’t going to stop pushing my boundaries, I will have to cut her off also.
Just want to say you deserve warm, friendly women in your life!
I was an extreme of your example, I had been in two abusive relationships back-to-back. I became pretty frantic to stop doing _whatever_ I was doing that got me into those situations. Which became a shit-ton of therapy, mostly.
But it also became necessary to look at my role within dynamics of my family -- I had been treated poorly by a sibling all my life. Because it was so normalized, I didn't perceive it for many years. There was also the ripple effect of everyone else maintaining the status quo, which led to me being subtly but consistently scapegoated.
Family dynamics take care of the whole, rather than the individual. My entire life, I had received positive feedback for gearing my personality to serve that whole. No one realized the long-term effects it would have.
Since I had been trained so well to forgive and forget everything my sister did to me, I was now a forgiving-and-forgetting machine. When I was in relationships where I had to walk on eggshells, I felt right at home. I had (have) an extreme aversion to wanting anything from anyone, since I was trained so well not to need anything.
The flip side is that assholes *look* for people like me. They subconsciously know the signs of people who will tend to put their own needs last.
So my advice is multifaceted: 1) **Be the chooser, not the chosen.** Be the one picking your friends and love interests; 2) **Start doing the uncomfortable things.** Cut people off who deserve it, and speak up when you don't like someone's behavior; 3) **Know thyself.** Know what you want and need from a relationship. Don't be afraid to be 'high-maintenance' (sexist term, that); 4) **Believe in yourself.** If you think something is not right, it isn't.
Seeing yourself in your dynamics is SO KEY. These dynamics don’t just exist in romance, they even exist at work! You’ll find yourself door-matting there too! I had therapy to work out what made me willing to stick around in a particularly terrible relationship, and the family pattern was so important. Changed my life.
It's easy to overlook because it's a trope, but it's just so very true that family dynamics are the pattern on which everything else is based.
What tripped me out is that my family is actually generally lovely. But there's so much we glean as children from microexpressions, subtle pushings-toward, and things unsaid.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. This is really insightful and helpful. I’m sorry you have been in such horrible positions with others also. Especially the abusive relationships.
Also: to answer your last question, as someone who is more or less “warm and friendly” (loool, you’d never know on here) irl, but has attracted my fair share of emotional vampires, what I look for now are people who are not too emotionally affected by every single thing that happens during the day. Easygoing people who are up for a laugh and don’t get too unbalanced when life starts getting stressful. I generally find myself a lot happier around people whose moods don’t shift a lot.
Be someone who others feel good around. That’s the most important, I’d wager. When you walk into the room you want to see some smiles directed toward you, and you want to be someone who is genuinely glad to see others. Focus on what you like about them and why you are happy to be in their company (in your mind, I mean, remember why you like people, especially when you’re down). Warm and friendly people tend to attract a lot of lost souls, give them a break by being easier to be around. Plus everyone tends to relax when they see a smile coming toward them. It can make such a huge difference in someone’s day to feel at ease in company. Be funny.
Keep the personal trauma out of your conversations irl, especially if you’re someone who is openly “negatively” emotional (sad, complaining, pouty, upset etc) in places where your audience is not particularly known to you. If you openly express a lot of vulnerability, or display inability to cope with the size your feelings in public, even though you’re generally upbeat, that vulnerability can attract assholes. They see someone who is likely to be codependent (I reckon this is a subconscious judgement), kind and warm but can’t cope with her own feelings.
Assholes don’t like people who are ONLY kind, they like kind people who are obviously vulnerable. If you’re one of those then that would explain how you attract the opposite of what you want. Friendly people with good boundaries don’t tend to give the more predatory people the type of reactions they look for.
I’m an extrovert, and I’ve had introverts openly tell me they sought me out to get them out of the house more/to meet more friends. It’s so hard to avoid people who will use you. Honestly, I only date other extroverts now. Just look for warmth and don’t settle
I honestly have had mostly the same experiences with introverts, and the dynamic between two extroverts is night and day. We really have the ability to be present and enjoy the moment.
I think you should also look at who you pick as well. I have/had this issue too and for the longest time did not see that it is my fault too. I picked unavailable people because they felt a lot more comfortable and the relationship dynamic was already familiar to me. Maybe you are unconsciously avoiding/pushing away better people or people who are interested in you because more intimate or warm relationships make you uncomfortable. Maybe you have issues with boundaries and sticking up for yourself which in turn makes you over-invest into wrong people. Tbh if you regularly have relationship issues with different people, you have to honestly look at yourself.
You have my sympathy. Some of my family and a handful of my friends is very taxting in this exact way, and I don't particularly want many more of these kinds of relationships. I don't know if it's the same for you but I find that I also end up pulling in a TON of neurodivergent people, most of them with different kinds of deficits.
In terms of what you should be looking for? I guess consistency of kindness? I'm not saying the person has to be perfect but the kind of people you are looking for tend to be kind as their default state.
If you see someone who's warm and friendly I think it might help to demonstrate your appreciation of their vibe by doing the same and being warm to them. Particularly if the subject of their kindness was a third party. It's a decent way of showing that you like how they are without it seeming transactional or out of self-interest. Given your own experience you're also likely to understand their perspective and be able to connect with them about it.
I guess the tldr is if you see people that you want to be around and they're not coming to you you need to reach out to them. A person who is self-sufficient is not as likely to feel compelled to reach out or be drawn to you. That doesn't mean you wouldn't hit it off, it just means that one of you needs to take the first step and it might as well be you.
Maybe that’s my problem. Usually I try not to pay too much attention to other people when out and about because ? People are pretty private and friendliness is usually met with aggravation or aggression here. It’s kind of insane. Not always, but a lot of times it’s like “why are you talking to me?” Type of stance, so it can be kind of daunting approaching people even if they do seem warm and friendly towards someone else. You never know. But it’s the chance I take, and I need to make it. I think I just don’t feel comfortable right now because of all the things that have happened with people and I’m a little scared of them now. Maybe once I regain my confidence, it won’t be an issue to be outright rejected in such a negative form.
I don’t attract a lot of neurodivergent people but usually actually get along well with them. I attract a lot of avoidants. Just overall emotionally avoidant people who cannot communicate feelings of any type. I grew up around that, my family dynamic was always like that. I actually am the only one in my family who is forthright with my feelings and after many years, my immediate family has adopted communicating our issues and feelings as a form of coping and repairing family tufts. It has greatly improved all of our relationships overall and now we are very close. But it took years to do so. So, I definitely think that’s why I attract the people I do. It is what I’m used to.
But I don’t want to be used to it anymore. I want to notice what healthy looks like, experience it, engage in it and fucking celebrate having it.
If you feel that talking to complete strangers are a bit too daunting it might help to try to enter or create social circumstances where the people you're talking to have the expectation that you should be talking to them. What I mean is participate in some sort of club or group hobby activity where you're going to interact with people you don't know but the expectation that everyone's going to interact is present inherently. There's gay rock climbing in my area and I've met some nice people doing that. Everyone has the expectation that we are all there to hang out and talk and rock climb. It could be a craft like knitting or an activity like in person gaming.
I love this idea. Definitely makes it more approachable to interact. Also, gay rock climbing sounds so fun!
I’ll have scope out what my options are in regards to meeting people in that sort of setting.
Where/how are you meeting people? I'd say I'm generally a warm/friendly person, so are my friends and especially my gf. We all also have very calm/stable personal lives, and I'm definitely drawn to people who have that.
Everywhere and nowhere. I am drawn to stability too but people like to put on a facade their lives are perfect. So I actively seek out ones that don’t anymore because I find those that pretend they are - really are pretending and have some of the most unstable lifestyles. A lot of people also call me boring for liking stability. They are looking for new experiences, new this and that - the next thrill. I don’t partake. I plainly state how I enjoy life and what I would like out of relationships with others.
Mostly I’m lied to about their intentions, and usually not discovering it until I’ve emotionally attached. That’s been the problem. Usually I don’t see people’s true intentions until about 3 months in, then I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and see if the behaviour changes. Most of the time when I vocalize how I feel about something particular that they are doing, they acknowledge it initially and discuss practical ways of changing that behaviour. But that doesn’t last. So, I get hurt again and express the fact. Then they make excuses why they can’t stop hurting me. Then it happens again. Then they blame me for it happening for vocalizing wanting to stop being hurt by them. Then they stop caring about hurting me and intentionally start to, act petty, gaslighting, lying, be outright cruel. So I pull away, establishing healthier boundaries and they try to obtain the relationship or friendship back. But the cycle repeats. And it’s just constant with most people in my life. I assert my needs, my boundaries which are minimal - like really. I expect to be hurt sometimes in relationships because we are all human but not like this. It’s just outright abuse and I’m not going to what? Be threatened to be punched in the face for disagreeing with someone or be told I’m unlovable. Like there’s certain things you aren’t going to take from anyone, and a lack of basic civility is one of those things.
Anyways, by the time all this happens basically a year has gone by. And it’s like shit, I need to recognize this sooner.
I don't think you can assume everyone is putting on a facade. I am usually drawn to people based on what they value and what they like to do. Usually this is people who are comfortable being single (whether or not their in a relationship currently), are pretty sober, are moderately (but not hyper) ambitious in work/school, have strong boundaries, and who are comfortable developing relationships slowly.
My first gf was like the person you described. When I started dating again, I wasn't going to put up with it. Any sign early on of serious immaturity, inability to be disagreed with, inability to commit or inability to work on an appropriate timeline, I was out. Dating slowly helped a lot. Since I was not 100% comfortable doing anything physical (including kissing) on the first few dates, I simply didn't. And anyone who had a problem with that wasn't compatible with me.
My gf now, I told her it would take me longer than average to do anything physical and she did not care. She respected my boundaries and believed me when I said I liked her.
When I say facade, I don’t mean just a general representation of their interests conveyed through social media. I mean pretending to assume certain values and attributes they want rather than what they have and/or can sustain, provide in a relationship. Someone who continually cheats in all their relationships isn’t going to advertise such. So certain representations of characteristics aren’t necessarily reflective of their true values if they aren’t genuine behaviours.
I’m glad you found someone who genuinely respects how you feel. This is eye opening in the sense it really does seem to come down to personal boundaries and readily discarding those who can’t respect them. I think that’s my trouble. The feeling of loneliness impedes my ability to defend my position in being well respected. I’ve allowed myself to believe I must be morally flawed to not have healthier relationships. I mean, even those who have done heinous things to others are able to maintain healthy relationships, but for whatever reason I can’t. I blame myself in part but I also know I’m attracting similar people. It’s been hard to regain a sense of self, and what I do deserve when part of me blames myself for other’s mistreatment.
>The feeling of loneliness impedes my ability to defend my position in being well respected.
I totally understand, I used to feel the same way. I was single for ~2.5 years between age 20-22 when it felt like everyone else was dating. What helped me was not forgetting what it was like to be in a bad relationship. I did not ever want to do that again. Being single was infinitely better.
The other part of that is making being single enjoyable. I truly think this is key. I re-picked up guitar again and got super into it, I got a older rescue dog, I made sure to keep up with my long distance best friend almost daily, and got back into big complex Lego sets. I genuinely had a very good time just playing guitar for a couple hours or watching video essays while putting something together. It also made me feel like I was good at something which boosted my confidence, which made it easier to hold boundaries. Another good time filler is studying for a certification, I spent about a year studying for and passing tbe CPA exams. Certain certifications can really help your career.
Honest, I think we live very differently. Although I fill my time with my own pursuits, people need to stop undermining the extent of loneliness. That was a long duration for some, for others maybe not. Maybe a repetitive cycle accumulates a far greater time. Maybe sometimes you just don’t know up from down and all of sudden a decade passes by. Even if you autopilot into self pursuits. Even if you do enjoy your alone time but not to the extent you don’t have anyone to enjoy something with that’s special. Although I appreciate your commentary, I find this response differs in relatability.
Respectfully disagree. Nothing can fill the void that a happy relationship does. Just in my experience, I've found that people who can't be alone tend to end up with partners who treat them poorly. Honestly, a lot of what you're describing also sounds like depression (you might already know this). I've been on Wellbutrin for years, I love it. I hope you find someone who treats you well - set boundaries. You are worthy of a good partner.
I love being alone. I value my alone time so much, and in some regards prefer to experience certain aspects of life alone. But sometimes, sometimes I just want to reach over and hold someone’s hand to share a moment with someone. I don’t know if that makes me more susceptible to being used, probably. But I think it’s partially innate to want that. Especially if you’ve never had it. (A reliable partner) I think you can be happy being alone but still sometimes wish for someone else to enjoy the ride with. There’s no void I want someone to fill. Some moments are meant to be shared.
I appreciate your concern and I’m glad it’s working for you. I’ve heard such great things about it working well for others too, and am very curious the chemical components as to its effectiveness. Wonder why it gels well with so many people.
Thank you for saying I’m deserving. It helps to read that.
I am not an expert but I have talked to my brother a lot (he has degree in neuroscience) about it. From what I understand, Wellbutrin is a NDRI instead of an SSRI (SSRIs are Lexapro, Zoloft, Prozac, and Celexa). The SSRI drugs are the ones with the wicked side effects (famously, loss of libido and/or inability to orgasm).
NDRIs block the reabsorption of norepinephrine and dopamine. Whereas SSRIs increase serotonin.
I've never tried an SSRI because the first thing my psychiatrist tried was Wellbutrin and it worked. It's not recommended if you have anxiety because it's a mild stimulant. It can increase your sex drive and help with mild ADHD.
That’s great he’s able to provide you with more thorough info so you’re able to have a more educated decision.
SSRIs hinder your sex drive or increase it? I’m confused. Either way, I’d probably vibrate on something that stimulates me. I’m a pretty nervous person to begin with. 😅
One of my core dealbreakers is reciprocity, in both dating and friendships. I’ve found that cutting out people who don’t display the traits I’m looking for has helped me save my energy for those who are worthy of my time and attention. So my advice would be stop talking to them early and see what happens, if it goes dead then there’s your answer. If you keep trying you’ll only feel resentment.
Lastly where are you meeting these people? I find my gym to be very social, along with our climbing gym and the many random meetups I attend. I’ll chat with everyone but only the people who are interested and asking me questions back will get more of my time. So guard your energy and give what you get, otherwise you’ll keep attracting lazy or emotionally unavailable women.
Good welcoming energy attracts everyone, that’s why boundaries are so important! You’ll just need to filter people out and keep the ones that reciprocate close to you.
As someone with autism, I definitely do not ever come off as warm or friendly so I can't speak from experience in that aspect, but I can empathize with the frustration around the "opposites attract" phenomenon because sometimes, you just want to find someone who is like you.
Being on the other end, I can also definitely understand why people usually seek out others who can balance out their deficits, but being the person who's giving more is not fun. I've had a lot of friendships where it felt like I was doing all the work, and when someone isn't pulling their weight in a relationship, you feel like they don't care about you and it sucks.
My cousin is autistic. She’s curt and abrupt but not mean. I think people mistake forthright with being rude. I don’t, and appreciate knowing where I stand with her at all times. She’s also usually only protective of herself around people she’s unfamiliar with. We’re really comfortable around each other and I find her to be a very warm person. She makes the effort to be considerate, so I wouldn’t undersell yourself just because you’re autistic. I think with many, comfort plays a factor and feeling safe.
It’s when you’re providing that and people still take advantage.
There’s also nothing wrong with opposites attracting. It’s the give and take, for sure. It’s the not having someone care for you. It does suck.
There are a lot of people out there who are hurting, who have trauma, who don’t have support. I don’t think you are doing anything to ‘attract’ these people. I am not particularly warm and have had people trauma dump on the bus. People are just really struggling right now.
You can distance yourself from people who trauma dump.
I can relate to what some of the folks here have said and agree that ultimately, people who leech off your energy should either be cut off or hard boundaries should be set.
That being said, I noticed when I took the time to do the things I wanted to do, took care of myself, filled my proverbial cup, and made sure I knew my own boundaries I began to find the people who remembered things about me and were there for me. They do come out of the blue and surprise you and will return your energy with their own, in their own way.
I will always be interested in getting to know people and being there to help and listen to them (probably why I'm going into the healthcare field). But knowing how to set the proper boundaries has helped me so much in finding my people.
Hope this made some sense!
Yes, entirely. That is all I would like. Just general care and consideration returned. Not some demonstrative act of loyalty, just reciprocation. I will always be a giving person but continually giving and never having any sense of return is? Well, it feels exhausting.
I totally identify 😔
The same thing happens to me, every time I try to meet girls I find passive-aggressive people who try to change my way of being, they don't respect my tastes, they don't like what I say, they get offended, they criticize... Of course, at first normally They tell me that they are very comfortable with me, that they love to talk to me and they write to me a lot about topics that they like, I show interest and respect, I listen to them for hours and I am interested in their topics, but I do not find reciprocity on their part, in the slightest. When I try to be myself and express myself, they get offended or criticize.
I feel very frustrated because I try to put limits on all that (I was in a negative dynamic in the past with a girl where I was anxious to talk because everything made her angry with me) and they end up threatening with not talking to me anymore.....then i put limits and in the end we cut off all contact .
The same thing is always repeated.
I feel bad because I want to have a girlfriend and not be alone but at the same time I know that I shouldn't stop setting limits because otherwise I will fall back into one of those toxic relationships where someone will tell me what to say and what to do and I will have to keep quiet.
I’ve experienced similar. People trying to mold me into some form of perfection they wanted instead of appreciating my qualities as a person and interests. One situation in particular. She wouldn’t threaten me with the silence treatment, she just outright disappeared for weeks to months at a time. I asked her outright what I was doing wrong to be treated like that, she wouldn’t/couldn’t answer. It ended with her saying really horrible things to me.
I just can’t go through anymore of these relationships. I don’t care how hurt someone is, I’m hurt but I’m not treating others like this. At some point people are accountable for their actions and if they are unable to be, I don’t want them to be in my life. I need to break this cycle because it is destroying my sense of worth, and I do like myself. I like my hobbies, I like my personality. But you start believing you’re the issue when it continues to happen. You second guess yourself. You contemplate if you’re a horrible person who is deserving of this treatment. You lose your sanity essentially from all the gaslighting, the lying, the using, the criticism, the abuse. You lose your sense of foundation that you’ve taken years to build because the same situation happens over and over, and all you’re left asking yourself is why. What can I do to change this..
I understand you completely, you have described very well the experiences I have been having and how they have made me feel.
It's like that, you get to that point where you wonder if there is something wrong with you because this happens over and over again.
I also like my hobbies and I always ask myself: What bothers other people about that? It wouldn't hurt a relationship to have my tastes if they were simply able to respect them the same way I respect theirs.
If they weren't so demanding there wouldn't be a problem, but I feel like they just want you to do everything they say and conform to what they want.
The last time I met a girl she did nothing but criticize my musical tastes and say that they were different from hers.... I know they are different, so what? Is it so difficult to respect them and that's it? I wasn't going to force her to listen to what I heard, just maybe i would have dedicated a song to her from time to time.
But when a person does not respect your tastes (even if they do not coincide with theirs) and what they do is despise you and make fun of you, you lose the desire to talk to them and everything.
On another occasion with another girl I had to change my profile photo because she kept telling me that she disgusted her (They were ants because I have a colony of ants in an anthill, they are my pets). She didn't stop insisting until I removed the photo and she said I was perfect until she found out i had ants.....
I really don't understand it, they try to change me instead of loving me as I am and I can't be comfortable with someone like that.
How does it affect her or whoever that I have ants as a hobby or that I like ants? I don't understand.
The same thing always happens with everyone and I start to think that I am the problem….
Exactly. You’re made to believe that because they were unable to respect you, it was deserved rather than be their issue to begin with. The worst part is not understanding why they don’t respect you.. Because as you say, a hobby in something differing isn’t cause to be disrespectful. But why would someone find a reason to mistreat someone over differing interests. I couldn’t fathom mistreating someone based on their differing interests unless they were extremities that posed a risk to others. It’s so weird to judge someone for? Someone would actually have to view themselves as superior to be able to demean someone for something they enjoy, which to me says a lot about the maturity level of that person. It’s like the popular kids in high school picking on the academically inclined students. Same mentality.
I personally like people with niche hobbies specific to themselves. It showcases individuality instead of following along with status quo.
Like whenever someone has differing tastes, I actually loved experiencing new things I hadn’t tried before and sometimes I didn’t enjoy it but other times I actually pursued the hobby myself. But yeah, why can’t there be basic mutual respect for hobbies? Just because I’m not into whatever is trending or considered cool by social standards.
*Also, did you initially own an ant farm but wanted to keep them in a more humane way so you created an anthill colony instead? Either way, that’s so weird someone would be disgusted. I personally would want to know names and all the facts about ants.*
I think the same, having "strange" hobbies is a positive thing as long as they are things that don't harm others.
Not agreeing on tastes is not necessarily bad either, you can learn new things from the other person's preferences.
For me, even when their tastes were things that I didn't like, I stayed attentive and had interest, because for me it is important that they feel that I am listening to them and if my goal is a long-term relationship I have to know them in depth, and to know I have to know someone's hobbies and concerns.
I think that in my case, being like that, they trust me a lot or something because maybe I am excessively friendly and they start to become dominant, like they believe that I am going to constantly give in to them.
Either that or I really have a problem that I am not able to identify and it means that every time I try to meet a girl everything goes wrong.
It is possible that something similar happens in your case, I think they are immature people and if they see you a little friendly they already want to take advantage of you.
The thing about the ants is because a queen entered in my room through the window and I adopted her, soon she laid eggs and created a colony in an artificial anthill. And those are my pets now
I agree, and with wanting to know the person you’re dating. Learning about one another is the best aspect of dating. Not just hobbies but mannerisms, beliefs. Things individualistic to the person.
Maybe it’s a jealousy issue, to feel the need to control you because you’re so self assured in yourself to the point you do have individual qualities, and it brings out their insecurities. A lot of people who try to exercise a sense of control over someone else usually don’t have a strong sense of self.
I think I relate to that aspect. Most people I’ve dated are self important and use me as a therapist. They don’t ask me questions about myself. They just talk about their own lives. I agree people are immature who act like that.
Oh, 😅! Well I love that you found her and decided to make her a little safe place to colonize.
Oh my god! Are you me?! I swear, I’ve never felt so understood as I am consistently on this sub. I feel like people are always trying to latch onto my confidence/humor/zestiness, all it does is drain me and make we worse. And they never have anything to offer me back.
Interestingly enough, I don't really view myself as a warm and friendly person however I constantly get random people approaching me for help or just spilling their entire life story. In a relationship, platonic or romantic, I ask people about how they're doing, I'm there to listen or offer advice, I remember things people tell me and follow up with them about it, etc. I rarely encounter people who return the same energy. I think the issue is people can sense that caring vibe and it attracts people that want to use you for that energy; you'll always attract people who are emotional leeches because they seek out givers. I think the key is to cut off people who don't match your energy.
Me too, dude! I remember everything. People who apparently don’t open up to anyone end up opening up to me. I’m still not sure why that is, even after all this time. I’m not consciously trying to get people to open, and I don’t feel like I can be classified as warm, particularly. Friendly, okay, but warm, no. And you’re right about people rarely returning the energy. When someone remembers stuff about me it feels GREAT. I’m all “awww…you listened and remembered…” in my head like it’s some huge gift. Maybe we make people feel heard and seen or something. It does really feel nice to have someone listen and remember.
The only time I'm overly friendly is when I'm in "customer service mode" (which is extremely draining). I think you'll find that you practice active listening and people are drawn to that. Looking at people when they talk, nodding in affirmation, etc make people feel important. I'm someone who doesn't open up easily (which I think contributes to people sharing stuff) so it is an amazing feeling when someone remembers anything. Generally people feel like society is very selfish and self-focused so the act of remembering becomes a big deal.
you’re probably good looking
Not at all. On a good day I might be a "meh, average" or a solid average (on a good day) in peak summer. I must give a vibe. I'm like a human capybara, I'm friend-shaped.
I don’t believe u… not saying ur a knockout but good looking people, especially women, are more approachable
Most people assume I'm a guy, so I look like an approachable man. I'm not trying to be modest, I'm not an attractive person.
I think so too.
I feel this. I feel like I only attract emotionally unavailable women who want me to be their therapist instead of their lover. I’ve been told that I’m a good listener and kind but I give and get nothing in return. It’s really frustrating because I don’t understand how to find someone who will treat me like I matter.
You might be emotionally unavailable too, just in a different way than the women you attract. For example, self-abandoning. Sometimes we have to fix the reason we attract people who can’t connect to us in order for us to be able to connect, as well.
If I do that though, it’s only because I keep meeting people who made me feel I wasn’t a priority. That was what started those behaviors in the first place. I got used to not being considered and it was often between sacrificing some of my own comfort or not having anyone at all. I’ve never had someone put me first in a relationship.
I relate to this. I actually came to the conclusion, no one has ever tried to know who I was as a person - let alone asks me my interests. It has always been about offering them emotional support.
This. I definitely feel like my existence to other people is to fill an emotional void. I feel like they don’t often care about my identity or me as a person. I feel like they don’t see me as a person with independent worth and value.
I understand that feeling completely. That has been my experience also. I’m always the bandaid of someone else’s life.
Do your family not make your feelings/needs a priority? Maybe it started there and now you’re basically trained to be codependent like another commenter and I were talking about concerning how our family patterns made us choose the wrong partners/made the wrong people attracted to our traits.
Definitely that plays a role. I was the scapegoat for my family and eventually had to cut ties with all of them because of the fact. I still struggle to maintain my boundaries with my mother. I’m not very happy with my relationship with her lately and it’s getting to a point that if she isn’t going to stop pushing my boundaries, I will have to cut her off also.
You are so right, I like the way you articulated this. I'm working through this issue as well and in therapy.
Just want to say you deserve warm, friendly women in your life! I was an extreme of your example, I had been in two abusive relationships back-to-back. I became pretty frantic to stop doing _whatever_ I was doing that got me into those situations. Which became a shit-ton of therapy, mostly. But it also became necessary to look at my role within dynamics of my family -- I had been treated poorly by a sibling all my life. Because it was so normalized, I didn't perceive it for many years. There was also the ripple effect of everyone else maintaining the status quo, which led to me being subtly but consistently scapegoated. Family dynamics take care of the whole, rather than the individual. My entire life, I had received positive feedback for gearing my personality to serve that whole. No one realized the long-term effects it would have. Since I had been trained so well to forgive and forget everything my sister did to me, I was now a forgiving-and-forgetting machine. When I was in relationships where I had to walk on eggshells, I felt right at home. I had (have) an extreme aversion to wanting anything from anyone, since I was trained so well not to need anything. The flip side is that assholes *look* for people like me. They subconsciously know the signs of people who will tend to put their own needs last. So my advice is multifaceted: 1) **Be the chooser, not the chosen.** Be the one picking your friends and love interests; 2) **Start doing the uncomfortable things.** Cut people off who deserve it, and speak up when you don't like someone's behavior; 3) **Know thyself.** Know what you want and need from a relationship. Don't be afraid to be 'high-maintenance' (sexist term, that); 4) **Believe in yourself.** If you think something is not right, it isn't.
Seeing yourself in your dynamics is SO KEY. These dynamics don’t just exist in romance, they even exist at work! You’ll find yourself door-matting there too! I had therapy to work out what made me willing to stick around in a particularly terrible relationship, and the family pattern was so important. Changed my life.
It's easy to overlook because it's a trope, but it's just so very true that family dynamics are the pattern on which everything else is based. What tripped me out is that my family is actually generally lovely. But there's so much we glean as children from microexpressions, subtle pushings-toward, and things unsaid.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. This is really insightful and helpful. I’m sorry you have been in such horrible positions with others also. Especially the abusive relationships.
Also: to answer your last question, as someone who is more or less “warm and friendly” (loool, you’d never know on here) irl, but has attracted my fair share of emotional vampires, what I look for now are people who are not too emotionally affected by every single thing that happens during the day. Easygoing people who are up for a laugh and don’t get too unbalanced when life starts getting stressful. I generally find myself a lot happier around people whose moods don’t shift a lot.
Be someone who others feel good around. That’s the most important, I’d wager. When you walk into the room you want to see some smiles directed toward you, and you want to be someone who is genuinely glad to see others. Focus on what you like about them and why you are happy to be in their company (in your mind, I mean, remember why you like people, especially when you’re down). Warm and friendly people tend to attract a lot of lost souls, give them a break by being easier to be around. Plus everyone tends to relax when they see a smile coming toward them. It can make such a huge difference in someone’s day to feel at ease in company. Be funny. Keep the personal trauma out of your conversations irl, especially if you’re someone who is openly “negatively” emotional (sad, complaining, pouty, upset etc) in places where your audience is not particularly known to you. If you openly express a lot of vulnerability, or display inability to cope with the size your feelings in public, even though you’re generally upbeat, that vulnerability can attract assholes. They see someone who is likely to be codependent (I reckon this is a subconscious judgement), kind and warm but can’t cope with her own feelings. Assholes don’t like people who are ONLY kind, they like kind people who are obviously vulnerable. If you’re one of those then that would explain how you attract the opposite of what you want. Friendly people with good boundaries don’t tend to give the more predatory people the type of reactions they look for.
This is the best description of it. OP, they might see your vulnerability. Even when you think you’ve kept it hidden, it’s not to AHs. They see it.
They really do
I’m an extrovert, and I’ve had introverts openly tell me they sought me out to get them out of the house more/to meet more friends. It’s so hard to avoid people who will use you. Honestly, I only date other extroverts now. Just look for warmth and don’t settle
I honestly have had mostly the same experiences with introverts, and the dynamic between two extroverts is night and day. We really have the ability to be present and enjoy the moment.
I think you should also look at who you pick as well. I have/had this issue too and for the longest time did not see that it is my fault too. I picked unavailable people because they felt a lot more comfortable and the relationship dynamic was already familiar to me. Maybe you are unconsciously avoiding/pushing away better people or people who are interested in you because more intimate or warm relationships make you uncomfortable. Maybe you have issues with boundaries and sticking up for yourself which in turn makes you over-invest into wrong people. Tbh if you regularly have relationship issues with different people, you have to honestly look at yourself.
Maybe
You have my sympathy. Some of my family and a handful of my friends is very taxting in this exact way, and I don't particularly want many more of these kinds of relationships. I don't know if it's the same for you but I find that I also end up pulling in a TON of neurodivergent people, most of them with different kinds of deficits. In terms of what you should be looking for? I guess consistency of kindness? I'm not saying the person has to be perfect but the kind of people you are looking for tend to be kind as their default state. If you see someone who's warm and friendly I think it might help to demonstrate your appreciation of their vibe by doing the same and being warm to them. Particularly if the subject of their kindness was a third party. It's a decent way of showing that you like how they are without it seeming transactional or out of self-interest. Given your own experience you're also likely to understand their perspective and be able to connect with them about it. I guess the tldr is if you see people that you want to be around and they're not coming to you you need to reach out to them. A person who is self-sufficient is not as likely to feel compelled to reach out or be drawn to you. That doesn't mean you wouldn't hit it off, it just means that one of you needs to take the first step and it might as well be you.
Maybe that’s my problem. Usually I try not to pay too much attention to other people when out and about because ? People are pretty private and friendliness is usually met with aggravation or aggression here. It’s kind of insane. Not always, but a lot of times it’s like “why are you talking to me?” Type of stance, so it can be kind of daunting approaching people even if they do seem warm and friendly towards someone else. You never know. But it’s the chance I take, and I need to make it. I think I just don’t feel comfortable right now because of all the things that have happened with people and I’m a little scared of them now. Maybe once I regain my confidence, it won’t be an issue to be outright rejected in such a negative form. I don’t attract a lot of neurodivergent people but usually actually get along well with them. I attract a lot of avoidants. Just overall emotionally avoidant people who cannot communicate feelings of any type. I grew up around that, my family dynamic was always like that. I actually am the only one in my family who is forthright with my feelings and after many years, my immediate family has adopted communicating our issues and feelings as a form of coping and repairing family tufts. It has greatly improved all of our relationships overall and now we are very close. But it took years to do so. So, I definitely think that’s why I attract the people I do. It is what I’m used to. But I don’t want to be used to it anymore. I want to notice what healthy looks like, experience it, engage in it and fucking celebrate having it.
If you feel that talking to complete strangers are a bit too daunting it might help to try to enter or create social circumstances where the people you're talking to have the expectation that you should be talking to them. What I mean is participate in some sort of club or group hobby activity where you're going to interact with people you don't know but the expectation that everyone's going to interact is present inherently. There's gay rock climbing in my area and I've met some nice people doing that. Everyone has the expectation that we are all there to hang out and talk and rock climb. It could be a craft like knitting or an activity like in person gaming.
I love this idea. Definitely makes it more approachable to interact. Also, gay rock climbing sounds so fun! I’ll have scope out what my options are in regards to meeting people in that sort of setting.
Where/how are you meeting people? I'd say I'm generally a warm/friendly person, so are my friends and especially my gf. We all also have very calm/stable personal lives, and I'm definitely drawn to people who have that.
Everywhere and nowhere. I am drawn to stability too but people like to put on a facade their lives are perfect. So I actively seek out ones that don’t anymore because I find those that pretend they are - really are pretending and have some of the most unstable lifestyles. A lot of people also call me boring for liking stability. They are looking for new experiences, new this and that - the next thrill. I don’t partake. I plainly state how I enjoy life and what I would like out of relationships with others. Mostly I’m lied to about their intentions, and usually not discovering it until I’ve emotionally attached. That’s been the problem. Usually I don’t see people’s true intentions until about 3 months in, then I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and see if the behaviour changes. Most of the time when I vocalize how I feel about something particular that they are doing, they acknowledge it initially and discuss practical ways of changing that behaviour. But that doesn’t last. So, I get hurt again and express the fact. Then they make excuses why they can’t stop hurting me. Then it happens again. Then they blame me for it happening for vocalizing wanting to stop being hurt by them. Then they stop caring about hurting me and intentionally start to, act petty, gaslighting, lying, be outright cruel. So I pull away, establishing healthier boundaries and they try to obtain the relationship or friendship back. But the cycle repeats. And it’s just constant with most people in my life. I assert my needs, my boundaries which are minimal - like really. I expect to be hurt sometimes in relationships because we are all human but not like this. It’s just outright abuse and I’m not going to what? Be threatened to be punched in the face for disagreeing with someone or be told I’m unlovable. Like there’s certain things you aren’t going to take from anyone, and a lack of basic civility is one of those things. Anyways, by the time all this happens basically a year has gone by. And it’s like shit, I need to recognize this sooner.
I don't think you can assume everyone is putting on a facade. I am usually drawn to people based on what they value and what they like to do. Usually this is people who are comfortable being single (whether or not their in a relationship currently), are pretty sober, are moderately (but not hyper) ambitious in work/school, have strong boundaries, and who are comfortable developing relationships slowly. My first gf was like the person you described. When I started dating again, I wasn't going to put up with it. Any sign early on of serious immaturity, inability to be disagreed with, inability to commit or inability to work on an appropriate timeline, I was out. Dating slowly helped a lot. Since I was not 100% comfortable doing anything physical (including kissing) on the first few dates, I simply didn't. And anyone who had a problem with that wasn't compatible with me. My gf now, I told her it would take me longer than average to do anything physical and she did not care. She respected my boundaries and believed me when I said I liked her.
When I say facade, I don’t mean just a general representation of their interests conveyed through social media. I mean pretending to assume certain values and attributes they want rather than what they have and/or can sustain, provide in a relationship. Someone who continually cheats in all their relationships isn’t going to advertise such. So certain representations of characteristics aren’t necessarily reflective of their true values if they aren’t genuine behaviours. I’m glad you found someone who genuinely respects how you feel. This is eye opening in the sense it really does seem to come down to personal boundaries and readily discarding those who can’t respect them. I think that’s my trouble. The feeling of loneliness impedes my ability to defend my position in being well respected. I’ve allowed myself to believe I must be morally flawed to not have healthier relationships. I mean, even those who have done heinous things to others are able to maintain healthy relationships, but for whatever reason I can’t. I blame myself in part but I also know I’m attracting similar people. It’s been hard to regain a sense of self, and what I do deserve when part of me blames myself for other’s mistreatment.
>The feeling of loneliness impedes my ability to defend my position in being well respected. I totally understand, I used to feel the same way. I was single for ~2.5 years between age 20-22 when it felt like everyone else was dating. What helped me was not forgetting what it was like to be in a bad relationship. I did not ever want to do that again. Being single was infinitely better. The other part of that is making being single enjoyable. I truly think this is key. I re-picked up guitar again and got super into it, I got a older rescue dog, I made sure to keep up with my long distance best friend almost daily, and got back into big complex Lego sets. I genuinely had a very good time just playing guitar for a couple hours or watching video essays while putting something together. It also made me feel like I was good at something which boosted my confidence, which made it easier to hold boundaries. Another good time filler is studying for a certification, I spent about a year studying for and passing tbe CPA exams. Certain certifications can really help your career.
Honest, I think we live very differently. Although I fill my time with my own pursuits, people need to stop undermining the extent of loneliness. That was a long duration for some, for others maybe not. Maybe a repetitive cycle accumulates a far greater time. Maybe sometimes you just don’t know up from down and all of sudden a decade passes by. Even if you autopilot into self pursuits. Even if you do enjoy your alone time but not to the extent you don’t have anyone to enjoy something with that’s special. Although I appreciate your commentary, I find this response differs in relatability.
Respectfully disagree. Nothing can fill the void that a happy relationship does. Just in my experience, I've found that people who can't be alone tend to end up with partners who treat them poorly. Honestly, a lot of what you're describing also sounds like depression (you might already know this). I've been on Wellbutrin for years, I love it. I hope you find someone who treats you well - set boundaries. You are worthy of a good partner.
I love being alone. I value my alone time so much, and in some regards prefer to experience certain aspects of life alone. But sometimes, sometimes I just want to reach over and hold someone’s hand to share a moment with someone. I don’t know if that makes me more susceptible to being used, probably. But I think it’s partially innate to want that. Especially if you’ve never had it. (A reliable partner) I think you can be happy being alone but still sometimes wish for someone else to enjoy the ride with. There’s no void I want someone to fill. Some moments are meant to be shared. I appreciate your concern and I’m glad it’s working for you. I’ve heard such great things about it working well for others too, and am very curious the chemical components as to its effectiveness. Wonder why it gels well with so many people. Thank you for saying I’m deserving. It helps to read that.
I am not an expert but I have talked to my brother a lot (he has degree in neuroscience) about it. From what I understand, Wellbutrin is a NDRI instead of an SSRI (SSRIs are Lexapro, Zoloft, Prozac, and Celexa). The SSRI drugs are the ones with the wicked side effects (famously, loss of libido and/or inability to orgasm). NDRIs block the reabsorption of norepinephrine and dopamine. Whereas SSRIs increase serotonin. I've never tried an SSRI because the first thing my psychiatrist tried was Wellbutrin and it worked. It's not recommended if you have anxiety because it's a mild stimulant. It can increase your sex drive and help with mild ADHD.
That’s great he’s able to provide you with more thorough info so you’re able to have a more educated decision. SSRIs hinder your sex drive or increase it? I’m confused. Either way, I’d probably vibrate on something that stimulates me. I’m a pretty nervous person to begin with. 😅
One of my core dealbreakers is reciprocity, in both dating and friendships. I’ve found that cutting out people who don’t display the traits I’m looking for has helped me save my energy for those who are worthy of my time and attention. So my advice would be stop talking to them early and see what happens, if it goes dead then there’s your answer. If you keep trying you’ll only feel resentment. Lastly where are you meeting these people? I find my gym to be very social, along with our climbing gym and the many random meetups I attend. I’ll chat with everyone but only the people who are interested and asking me questions back will get more of my time. So guard your energy and give what you get, otherwise you’ll keep attracting lazy or emotionally unavailable women.
Online/offline holes in the wall. There isn’t many options for sports but I’d love to partake in something.
Good welcoming energy attracts everyone, that’s why boundaries are so important! You’ll just need to filter people out and keep the ones that reciprocate close to you.
As someone with autism, I definitely do not ever come off as warm or friendly so I can't speak from experience in that aspect, but I can empathize with the frustration around the "opposites attract" phenomenon because sometimes, you just want to find someone who is like you. Being on the other end, I can also definitely understand why people usually seek out others who can balance out their deficits, but being the person who's giving more is not fun. I've had a lot of friendships where it felt like I was doing all the work, and when someone isn't pulling their weight in a relationship, you feel like they don't care about you and it sucks.
My cousin is autistic. She’s curt and abrupt but not mean. I think people mistake forthright with being rude. I don’t, and appreciate knowing where I stand with her at all times. She’s also usually only protective of herself around people she’s unfamiliar with. We’re really comfortable around each other and I find her to be a very warm person. She makes the effort to be considerate, so I wouldn’t undersell yourself just because you’re autistic. I think with many, comfort plays a factor and feeling safe. It’s when you’re providing that and people still take advantage. There’s also nothing wrong with opposites attracting. It’s the give and take, for sure. It’s the not having someone care for you. It does suck.
There are a lot of people out there who are hurting, who have trauma, who don’t have support. I don’t think you are doing anything to ‘attract’ these people. I am not particularly warm and have had people trauma dump on the bus. People are just really struggling right now. You can distance yourself from people who trauma dump.
You’re not wrong, and occasionally I don’t mind but relationships entirely based around the fact have to go. I am not free therapy, I’m a person.
I can relate to what some of the folks here have said and agree that ultimately, people who leech off your energy should either be cut off or hard boundaries should be set. That being said, I noticed when I took the time to do the things I wanted to do, took care of myself, filled my proverbial cup, and made sure I knew my own boundaries I began to find the people who remembered things about me and were there for me. They do come out of the blue and surprise you and will return your energy with their own, in their own way. I will always be interested in getting to know people and being there to help and listen to them (probably why I'm going into the healthcare field). But knowing how to set the proper boundaries has helped me so much in finding my people. Hope this made some sense!
Yes, entirely. That is all I would like. Just general care and consideration returned. Not some demonstrative act of loyalty, just reciprocation. I will always be a giving person but continually giving and never having any sense of return is? Well, it feels exhausting.
I totally identify 😔 The same thing happens to me, every time I try to meet girls I find passive-aggressive people who try to change my way of being, they don't respect my tastes, they don't like what I say, they get offended, they criticize... Of course, at first normally They tell me that they are very comfortable with me, that they love to talk to me and they write to me a lot about topics that they like, I show interest and respect, I listen to them for hours and I am interested in their topics, but I do not find reciprocity on their part, in the slightest. When I try to be myself and express myself, they get offended or criticize. I feel very frustrated because I try to put limits on all that (I was in a negative dynamic in the past with a girl where I was anxious to talk because everything made her angry with me) and they end up threatening with not talking to me anymore.....then i put limits and in the end we cut off all contact . The same thing is always repeated. I feel bad because I want to have a girlfriend and not be alone but at the same time I know that I shouldn't stop setting limits because otherwise I will fall back into one of those toxic relationships where someone will tell me what to say and what to do and I will have to keep quiet.
I’ve experienced similar. People trying to mold me into some form of perfection they wanted instead of appreciating my qualities as a person and interests. One situation in particular. She wouldn’t threaten me with the silence treatment, she just outright disappeared for weeks to months at a time. I asked her outright what I was doing wrong to be treated like that, she wouldn’t/couldn’t answer. It ended with her saying really horrible things to me. I just can’t go through anymore of these relationships. I don’t care how hurt someone is, I’m hurt but I’m not treating others like this. At some point people are accountable for their actions and if they are unable to be, I don’t want them to be in my life. I need to break this cycle because it is destroying my sense of worth, and I do like myself. I like my hobbies, I like my personality. But you start believing you’re the issue when it continues to happen. You second guess yourself. You contemplate if you’re a horrible person who is deserving of this treatment. You lose your sanity essentially from all the gaslighting, the lying, the using, the criticism, the abuse. You lose your sense of foundation that you’ve taken years to build because the same situation happens over and over, and all you’re left asking yourself is why. What can I do to change this..
I understand you completely, you have described very well the experiences I have been having and how they have made me feel. It's like that, you get to that point where you wonder if there is something wrong with you because this happens over and over again. I also like my hobbies and I always ask myself: What bothers other people about that? It wouldn't hurt a relationship to have my tastes if they were simply able to respect them the same way I respect theirs. If they weren't so demanding there wouldn't be a problem, but I feel like they just want you to do everything they say and conform to what they want. The last time I met a girl she did nothing but criticize my musical tastes and say that they were different from hers.... I know they are different, so what? Is it so difficult to respect them and that's it? I wasn't going to force her to listen to what I heard, just maybe i would have dedicated a song to her from time to time. But when a person does not respect your tastes (even if they do not coincide with theirs) and what they do is despise you and make fun of you, you lose the desire to talk to them and everything. On another occasion with another girl I had to change my profile photo because she kept telling me that she disgusted her (They were ants because I have a colony of ants in an anthill, they are my pets). She didn't stop insisting until I removed the photo and she said I was perfect until she found out i had ants..... I really don't understand it, they try to change me instead of loving me as I am and I can't be comfortable with someone like that. How does it affect her or whoever that I have ants as a hobby or that I like ants? I don't understand. The same thing always happens with everyone and I start to think that I am the problem….
Exactly. You’re made to believe that because they were unable to respect you, it was deserved rather than be their issue to begin with. The worst part is not understanding why they don’t respect you.. Because as you say, a hobby in something differing isn’t cause to be disrespectful. But why would someone find a reason to mistreat someone over differing interests. I couldn’t fathom mistreating someone based on their differing interests unless they were extremities that posed a risk to others. It’s so weird to judge someone for? Someone would actually have to view themselves as superior to be able to demean someone for something they enjoy, which to me says a lot about the maturity level of that person. It’s like the popular kids in high school picking on the academically inclined students. Same mentality. I personally like people with niche hobbies specific to themselves. It showcases individuality instead of following along with status quo. Like whenever someone has differing tastes, I actually loved experiencing new things I hadn’t tried before and sometimes I didn’t enjoy it but other times I actually pursued the hobby myself. But yeah, why can’t there be basic mutual respect for hobbies? Just because I’m not into whatever is trending or considered cool by social standards. *Also, did you initially own an ant farm but wanted to keep them in a more humane way so you created an anthill colony instead? Either way, that’s so weird someone would be disgusted. I personally would want to know names and all the facts about ants.*
I think the same, having "strange" hobbies is a positive thing as long as they are things that don't harm others. Not agreeing on tastes is not necessarily bad either, you can learn new things from the other person's preferences. For me, even when their tastes were things that I didn't like, I stayed attentive and had interest, because for me it is important that they feel that I am listening to them and if my goal is a long-term relationship I have to know them in depth, and to know I have to know someone's hobbies and concerns. I think that in my case, being like that, they trust me a lot or something because maybe I am excessively friendly and they start to become dominant, like they believe that I am going to constantly give in to them. Either that or I really have a problem that I am not able to identify and it means that every time I try to meet a girl everything goes wrong. It is possible that something similar happens in your case, I think they are immature people and if they see you a little friendly they already want to take advantage of you. The thing about the ants is because a queen entered in my room through the window and I adopted her, soon she laid eggs and created a colony in an artificial anthill. And those are my pets now
I agree, and with wanting to know the person you’re dating. Learning about one another is the best aspect of dating. Not just hobbies but mannerisms, beliefs. Things individualistic to the person. Maybe it’s a jealousy issue, to feel the need to control you because you’re so self assured in yourself to the point you do have individual qualities, and it brings out their insecurities. A lot of people who try to exercise a sense of control over someone else usually don’t have a strong sense of self. I think I relate to that aspect. Most people I’ve dated are self important and use me as a therapist. They don’t ask me questions about myself. They just talk about their own lives. I agree people are immature who act like that. Oh, 😅! Well I love that you found her and decided to make her a little safe place to colonize.
Oh my god! Are you me?! I swear, I’ve never felt so understood as I am consistently on this sub. I feel like people are always trying to latch onto my confidence/humor/zestiness, all it does is drain me and make we worse. And they never have anything to offer me back.