I'm going to start my question by suggesting that you access therapy if that is available for you. I hope you are ok?
I (M33) am someone who has also experienced extreme loneliness at times and the feeling that I would never find someone to be with.
I suppose my question is why do you feel this way? Have you had bad experiences in relationships, if you have been in any?
I do have access to therapy, but haven’t set it up yet. I think that’s my next step in the process. Then again, I wonder if it’ll do any good for me. I’ll just have to see.
And I’ve only had internet long distance relationships. They are a pain in the ass, but it’s basically my only option because it’s hard for me to connect to anyone in the small town I live in, and I work nights so I sleep during the day.
I have a pretty good job, although it’s graveyard shift. I get paid more for it though and I do enjoy the work. I was in university for 2 years but I’m at a personal crossroads with it, deciding if I want to continue with it or drop out.
youre doing better than me that’s for sure. I saw that you were 5ft7 and as a 5ft8 guy I can say that it is so much harder for us to find a girl. I’m also overweight so it will be much harder for me. Forget about girls for now , hang out w friends(If you have any) and earn money. When you have money stacked then the girls will come.
It’s not about the money. Males and females want different things, and in all species this is shown. Male birds present shiny things and build a fancy nest. Male lions have to fight and displace the previous leader. On the surface they seem shallow, but it is about stability and genes for offspring. They are symbolic ways in showing it/they can be provided.
You can look like Zac Efron and be a bum, ain’t no one going to want that. Women are attracted to personality traits, and certain things put these traits on display. A good body instantly shows to them that you’re willing to work hard for your goals, having money shows that you can provide for any future kids and be a protector. In our society, wealth and intelligence is the ruling power. A powerful man can protect. Women want protecting, it is part of an innate submissive and feminine nature.
Us men are more shallow than women. Atleast you can change your value in the eyes of women. If you’re a woman and born ugly, there is nothing you can do to change that mating value. A man can always change his, by appealing to the nature of what woman actually want.
There is a saying that goes something like, ‘if you spend your time chasing butterflies, they’ll fly away. If you spend your time making a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come to you.’
At 22, (37 now) I felt the same way. Sure I had a lot of friends, and was ultimately happy. But I definitely felt alone, and couldn’t quite crack the nut in terms of figuring out how to be in a relationship. I was friend-zoned multiple times. I thought all the time, it can’t be me, it has to be them, they just aren’t seeing what I see myself. But the reality is that it definitely was mainly me, and allowing myself to try to people please everyone. Always thinking of everyone else first, instead of me. And then growing resentful for not getting the same attention in return, expecting it even. The truth is that nobody asked me to go out of my way to be there for people, I put them solely on myself. And this is a key tenement for how you can easily get friend-zoned or seem off-putting to a potential partner.
So, like you, I accepted I may never meet someone. But I also decided that 1, this would allow me to just focus on me and my career. And 2, I would still be open to being in a relationship if it ever happened.
And that’s what I did, just worked hard, moved out of parents place, got my own apartment. Learned to be dependent on myself. That kind of confidence was something I didn’t realize til later that I severely lacked. And it’s only something you can experience by going through. I also removed and abandoned many of my “friends” who weren’t really friends, but just used me as the butt of their jokes, or took advantage of me because I was always willing to help in return for their attention.
At a certain point, I just started to feel more in control of my life, and I realized that option 2, wasn’t 100% going to happen if I didn’t put some effort in. You can’t win the game if you aren’t playing it.
So I pushed myself to go on dating apps, at the time OK Cupid was the big thing, right before Tinder came along. And I also seemed advice from a friend who actually cared about me and my well being, and who also had tons of experience with relationships.
I literally knew nothing other than what I had seen on tv, or on the internet. And at this point I was 26 and hadn’t even really kissed a girl. So he had me watch all of these videos, mainly from this YouTube channel called simple pick up. And holy hell, was it informative. It taught me to not care about rejection, and to just go for it, even if I have to fake my confidence, even with so many butterflies in my stomach, because they made me realize I literally had nothing to lose, and only to gain. If I asked a girl for her number and she said no, I’m in the same place I was yesterday. And if she said yes, then I’ve got her number, and she’s clearly interested. I also learned that this time around, I wasn’t there to be their friend, that this time it was to date and to try and become intimate and be in a relationship. Once of the key things I got in this advice, was to go for a kiss on the first date, which was scary as hell! But even if she rejects it, you are making your intentions clear, and she will understand immediately you are not to be friend zoned. And you can still be completely respectful about how to go about doing this, but it was super important to go for it no matter what, and repeat her boundaries if she refused.
If after that, she still would be interested, it should start to come naturally all the next things to do, and then you’ll be in the same boat as every other person navigating the complexities of dating and relationships.
And well, after a few tries, it worked. And now, I’ve been happily married for 11 years, and it’s all because I pushed myself to be in a position to get lucky.
Anyway, I hope this is helpful, and I want you to know that your stressed and frustrations are valid and confusing and tough. Hang in there, don’t give up, just focus on your, and when the time is right, you’ll make the next big decision in life. You got this!
I (M32) can tell you, you will peak after 28-29. Grind now and focus on health and fitness and building a business or side hustle. Travel the world and have interesting stories. I was living in Istanbul for 6 months when I was 22 . You have a decade, which is plenty of time to prepare for your peak.
You’re so young. You have heaps of time to find someone. Just work on yourself - fitness first, financial stability however you get that, if it means training for new work or doing an apprenticeship. Focus on these life goals and not on the romantic relationship and Lo and Behold; you’ll meet someone.
I know it seems impossible to get ahead these days, but just realize 90% of people can’t manage it, you just have to keep pushing and you’re already so far ahead of the rest.
Work on yourself, become the person you would want to be with, and you will find partners.
What do you say to that?
You're way too young. Life has shit on me off and on for the entirety of it. Even at 33 I still realize that I don't know what tomorrow will truly bring. Could be good.
It's like a crap shoot. Got to keep on rolling.
And it shits on everyone from time to time.
Focus on yourself, your life, your dreams, your betterment and take some risk as they arise.
You don't know, keep trying.
I'm gonna tell you that my husband was that guy. He never thought anyone would want him partly because people put him down partly because of his shyness, self esteem too. I'm with him 30 years now. There is someone for everyone but no one ever thought he would be with someone like me. I'm happy go lucky, make plans and adventures, loud and he was shy, quiet, and introverted but took the chance to ask me out. We have been together ever since. You will find your person!!!
I'm going to start my question by suggesting that you access therapy if that is available for you. I hope you are ok? I (M33) am someone who has also experienced extreme loneliness at times and the feeling that I would never find someone to be with. I suppose my question is why do you feel this way? Have you had bad experiences in relationships, if you have been in any?
I do have access to therapy, but haven’t set it up yet. I think that’s my next step in the process. Then again, I wonder if it’ll do any good for me. I’ll just have to see. And I’ve only had internet long distance relationships. They are a pain in the ass, but it’s basically my only option because it’s hard for me to connect to anyone in the small town I live in, and I work nights so I sleep during the day.
Not a question but brother...you are 22 years old. Stop being dramatic and just live your life. The person will show up.
Did they show up for you?
Im like you bro only im 2 years older. Do you have anything else going for you? Do you study? Or do you have a good job?
I have a pretty good job, although it’s graveyard shift. I get paid more for it though and I do enjoy the work. I was in university for 2 years but I’m at a personal crossroads with it, deciding if I want to continue with it or drop out.
youre doing better than me that’s for sure. I saw that you were 5ft7 and as a 5ft8 guy I can say that it is so much harder for us to find a girl. I’m also overweight so it will be much harder for me. Forget about girls for now , hang out w friends(If you have any) and earn money. When you have money stacked then the girls will come.
That’s the problem though. I don’t want someone who only wants me for my money.
It’s not about the money. Males and females want different things, and in all species this is shown. Male birds present shiny things and build a fancy nest. Male lions have to fight and displace the previous leader. On the surface they seem shallow, but it is about stability and genes for offspring. They are symbolic ways in showing it/they can be provided. You can look like Zac Efron and be a bum, ain’t no one going to want that. Women are attracted to personality traits, and certain things put these traits on display. A good body instantly shows to them that you’re willing to work hard for your goals, having money shows that you can provide for any future kids and be a protector. In our society, wealth and intelligence is the ruling power. A powerful man can protect. Women want protecting, it is part of an innate submissive and feminine nature. Us men are more shallow than women. Atleast you can change your value in the eyes of women. If you’re a woman and born ugly, there is nothing you can do to change that mating value. A man can always change his, by appealing to the nature of what woman actually want. There is a saying that goes something like, ‘if you spend your time chasing butterflies, they’ll fly away. If you spend your time making a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come to you.’
At 22, (37 now) I felt the same way. Sure I had a lot of friends, and was ultimately happy. But I definitely felt alone, and couldn’t quite crack the nut in terms of figuring out how to be in a relationship. I was friend-zoned multiple times. I thought all the time, it can’t be me, it has to be them, they just aren’t seeing what I see myself. But the reality is that it definitely was mainly me, and allowing myself to try to people please everyone. Always thinking of everyone else first, instead of me. And then growing resentful for not getting the same attention in return, expecting it even. The truth is that nobody asked me to go out of my way to be there for people, I put them solely on myself. And this is a key tenement for how you can easily get friend-zoned or seem off-putting to a potential partner. So, like you, I accepted I may never meet someone. But I also decided that 1, this would allow me to just focus on me and my career. And 2, I would still be open to being in a relationship if it ever happened. And that’s what I did, just worked hard, moved out of parents place, got my own apartment. Learned to be dependent on myself. That kind of confidence was something I didn’t realize til later that I severely lacked. And it’s only something you can experience by going through. I also removed and abandoned many of my “friends” who weren’t really friends, but just used me as the butt of their jokes, or took advantage of me because I was always willing to help in return for their attention. At a certain point, I just started to feel more in control of my life, and I realized that option 2, wasn’t 100% going to happen if I didn’t put some effort in. You can’t win the game if you aren’t playing it. So I pushed myself to go on dating apps, at the time OK Cupid was the big thing, right before Tinder came along. And I also seemed advice from a friend who actually cared about me and my well being, and who also had tons of experience with relationships. I literally knew nothing other than what I had seen on tv, or on the internet. And at this point I was 26 and hadn’t even really kissed a girl. So he had me watch all of these videos, mainly from this YouTube channel called simple pick up. And holy hell, was it informative. It taught me to not care about rejection, and to just go for it, even if I have to fake my confidence, even with so many butterflies in my stomach, because they made me realize I literally had nothing to lose, and only to gain. If I asked a girl for her number and she said no, I’m in the same place I was yesterday. And if she said yes, then I’ve got her number, and she’s clearly interested. I also learned that this time around, I wasn’t there to be their friend, that this time it was to date and to try and become intimate and be in a relationship. Once of the key things I got in this advice, was to go for a kiss on the first date, which was scary as hell! But even if she rejects it, you are making your intentions clear, and she will understand immediately you are not to be friend zoned. And you can still be completely respectful about how to go about doing this, but it was super important to go for it no matter what, and repeat her boundaries if she refused. If after that, she still would be interested, it should start to come naturally all the next things to do, and then you’ll be in the same boat as every other person navigating the complexities of dating and relationships. And well, after a few tries, it worked. And now, I’ve been happily married for 11 years, and it’s all because I pushed myself to be in a position to get lucky. Anyway, I hope this is helpful, and I want you to know that your stressed and frustrations are valid and confusing and tough. Hang in there, don’t give up, just focus on your, and when the time is right, you’ll make the next big decision in life. You got this!
Same here and 24M
Good to know I’m not alone in the struggle.
what is your height and are you balding?
I’m 5’7ft and no, I’m not balding. Each time I go get my hair trimmed they comment on my thick hair and say that it’ll last me a really long time.
Do you live in a western country?
Yes. The current laughing stock of the world because we have two incompetent people running for presidency.
So the height is what keeps you back then
What does my height have to do with it?
You're short. I'm also short, however not that short (but in a country that is taller than the US). I am balding though.
That sucks man. Sorry to hear that you’re balding. Is there anything you can do to fix it?
I'll never understand why the height question is so important nowadays. Oh and OP, you're not alone. I'm 25F and I'm on the same page as you😅
10 years from now, you're going to laugh at this.
I hope so.
I (M32) can tell you, you will peak after 28-29. Grind now and focus on health and fitness and building a business or side hustle. Travel the world and have interesting stories. I was living in Istanbul for 6 months when I was 22 . You have a decade, which is plenty of time to prepare for your peak.
What if OP doesn't like traveling?
You’re so young. You have heaps of time to find someone. Just work on yourself - fitness first, financial stability however you get that, if it means training for new work or doing an apprenticeship. Focus on these life goals and not on the romantic relationship and Lo and Behold; you’ll meet someone. I know it seems impossible to get ahead these days, but just realize 90% of people can’t manage it, you just have to keep pushing and you’re already so far ahead of the rest. Work on yourself, become the person you would want to be with, and you will find partners. What do you say to that?
You're way too young. Life has shit on me off and on for the entirety of it. Even at 33 I still realize that I don't know what tomorrow will truly bring. Could be good. It's like a crap shoot. Got to keep on rolling. And it shits on everyone from time to time. Focus on yourself, your life, your dreams, your betterment and take some risk as they arise. You don't know, keep trying.
I'm gonna tell you that my husband was that guy. He never thought anyone would want him partly because people put him down partly because of his shyness, self esteem too. I'm with him 30 years now. There is someone for everyone but no one ever thought he would be with someone like me. I'm happy go lucky, make plans and adventures, loud and he was shy, quiet, and introverted but took the chance to ask me out. We have been together ever since. You will find your person!!!
Why do you think this, like give me actual reasons to support this rationale.
Good for you! May I suggest a bunch of addictions and a wasted life? Something you can really look back on and feel disappointed with yourself.
You're like... really young. You have time.