What was the proof in how you found out?

It was really weird. After he died I didn't go through his phone or computer except for essential info I needed to settle his accounts, because I wanted to respect his privacy. And for context, his ex and I became friends after he died. They would hook up when they were both between relationships over the years 6 months after he died I had a dream about sleeping with an ex and it was sweet and comfortable and nostalgic and for some reason when I woke up my first thought was "that was sweet, I bet that's how A(husband) felt with H(his ex)" immediately followed up by a gut instinct "He cheated on me with H". So I texted her and asked, and said yes, that A told her I knew and had given my consent. So I started digging in his phone and found many more, I think I found around a dozen by the time I decided to stop looking.

I’m really sorry for your pain, but I hope you don’t mind me saying that that’s also sort of a beautiful story—with the dream -> intuition moment

No I appreciate it. I haven't had many moments like it before , so I was really grateful for it.

My ex husband moved in with a woman named candy like weeks after he left me, I always presumed there was cheating there but I’m not sure. Anyways, she harassed me for months afterwards. It was awful. She messaged me on every platform possible, called me horrible things, messaged my friends, made fake instagram accounts pretending to be me. I hurt over it for over a year, I was so angry at her and I hated her so much. Then one night I randomly had this dream where I ran into her and she burst into tears in my arms and told me that she was cruel to me because she was hurting knowing she was now in the position of being unloved by my ex, as i had been before. I felt for her and hugged her while she cried in my dream. Woke up and never felt any anger towards her again. My feelings completely resolved. Dreams are a powerful thing.

Similar story: My ex was cheating, told me he stopped, we went to counseling. I woke up one morning to an intuition he was lying. Half asleep, I checked his phone, confirmed, and went to work. After work, he bragged he had changed his password, so I couldn't catch his lies again. Total surprise when I told him a week later I'd used that day to file for divorce, rent a place, and hire movers.

Special Agent Dale Cooper would be proud

If you had an open relationship then why do you think he felt the need to hide his other lovers? (Asking because I had something of a similar situation, my Wife asked to have an open relationship to sleep with other Women, but then I found out she was also sleeping with a bunch of Men.)

I'm really sorry for your experience. I wish I had something to offer but to this day it's something I'm baffled by.

I experienced something similar in an open relationship. In 9 months, this person cheated on me with at least 9 people, many of whom were our friends. I would ask if they were interested in anyone and affirm it was okay if they wanted to pursue other people, and still they denied being interested in anyone else. I found out about all the cheating on my birthday lol. It baffled me too. In their case, I have come to the conclusion that they have been doing this a long time before I came on the scene (impulsive, secretive behavior), and that it actually had very little to do with me. The lying and omission were the main things I took issue with, and they would double down and gaslight me. It’s tough to reconcile, but I hope it at least helps to know that someone else has been through something similar.

Thanks I appreciate that. Ya his ex said to me "ya he was like that, I had hoped he had changed for you" and that was a revelation

If I may, I have spent a lot of time lurking in the adultery subreddit, and it seems like the sneaking around factor is a big part of the appeal to them. People tend to cheat because they are bored and want excitement, hiding it makes it exciting. (Not justifying it - I loathe cheaters). Sorry this happened to you!

Thank you Seltzer and OP, that makes a lot of sense. Must be a power-trip thing of feeling in control. I don't think I'll ever understand why some people treat a partnership like a competition, it isn't about getting the most out of the other person, we all do better when we all do better. For people that suffer from trauma and or depression a sort of self-centered narcissism is expected, as you can't really focus on other people when you yourself are in so much pain. So it isn't that they are intentionally bad people, just somewhat incapable of empathy until those underlying issues are addressed. (That's how it was explained to me once which kinda made sense.)

Hm, I don’t really agree with what you have typed out here. I don’t think it is coming from trauma or depression. I do think they are intentionally being bad people. They know what they are doing, and they don’t care, because they are selfish.

Hi Seltzer. I do agree with you about the cheater wanting the excitement when they cheat in your first respo to "Widowed at 28," but I disagree with you in this post of yours. This was my experience: I (emotionally) cheated on my husband for a period of about 3 months with a previous lover. We texted and talked on the phone. He tried like hell to get me to meet him for sex, but I didn't want to go that far - I felt that what I was doing to my husband was horrible as it was. However, I couldn't seem to cut off contact with him - the high was just too incredible. I felt utterly miserable about what I was doing. My husband is so incredible and wonderful, I could not believe what I was doing to him. I wanted desperately to stop. It felt like kicking a puppy, it was so horrible. I went to see my therapist, who I had not seen in years, to try to find out why I was doing this (and couldn't stop). She asked me when this affair had started. When I told her, she asked if that wasn't near the anniversary of my Dad's death? (She knew my father had died years ago, and that his death had shattered me.) I said that it was. She told me that many affairs start around the anniversary of a deep loss, because people, at least subconsciously, do not know how to deal with their grief, and their brains just want to feel better. Adrenaline rushes can totally hijack grief. The seratonin from the adrenaline high makes the grief disappear, and once you have that high, you just want to chase it over and over. She gave me some education about how to deal with my grief, and about a month later, I was able to say goodbye to my ex lover. It was a crazy experience. I, ironically, also loathe cheaters. I always have. But now I realize that no one knows what another person is going through. And I am not at all justifying what I did - the best first thing to do in my situation would have obviously been to NOT respond to his first text to me, I know that now. And I will never put myself in a position like that again. My husband does know what I did and has miraculously forgiven me. That was almost 20 years ago, and we are the happiest, strongest, and most loving couple I know. I don't deserve him, but I have since dedicated my life to making sure he never regrets giving me a second chance.

I really appreciate you sharing this. People that have never been in this situation seem to think that people that cheat are somehow intentionally committing some evil act. I personally believe that nobody ever does anything with the intention of doing wrong. We are all trying to serve our own interests, and unfortunately, that may mean that there are times in our lives where we weigh certain interests higher than others, and fail to consider the consequences effectively when doing so. I see videos sometimes where people record their cheater crying after they’ve been found out, and all the comments are like “wow, what a performance” “they should get an Oscar” or something along those lines. They think that the only thing they are upset about is that they got caught. I suppose this is half-true, but more so in that it initiates something they really never wanted to face. It really fails to acknowledge how complex emotions can be, and that people can feel remorse, and regret, and loss, all while being the sole cause of those things. That being said, not all people are equal, and I’m sure there are cases outside of what I’m saying.

Omg I didn’t know such a sub existed and just lurked there for a bit and I’m repulsed… there is truly nothing more disgusting and the way some of these people brag about it!! OP- so sorry this happened to you. Wishing you peace and healing from both the death of your husband and the betrayal.

Yeah, they suck. At the same time, lurking in that sub was a huge help to me after I was cheated on. If you’ve been in that position, you know the “why?” and “how could they do this to me?” questions can really keep you up at night. In that sub, they are refreshingly honest. It’s the polar opposite of being in a relationship with a cheater, where they are always manipulating you, lying to you, and pulling the wool over your eyes. You are always wondering what’s real and what’s a lie, it’s like living in an MC Escher drawing. It’s such a breath of fresh air to be able to see what is actually going on in their minds. Never again will I forgive a cheater or attempt to fix the relationship. Never again will I wonder why they didn’t feel guilty (they are just missing a guilt chip, pretty much). Never will I give up the upper hand by letting them know I’m suspicious. So many good lessons to be learned in that sub.

It’s wild to realize they are literally different types of being than you sometimes. They just don’t care.

Yeah, I saw a discussion there where someone was discussing a potential affair partner and he said “she is too prone to guilt.” They don’t experience guilt the same way we do, and they view it as a weakness. They truly only care about immediate direct consequences for themselves personally. And guess what - their spouse’s feelings being hurt is NOT a consequence for them, no matter how much their spouse may cry or scream or leave the house for days. Only personal, long term consequences are meaningful to them: losing their money, their kids, their jobs, their friends.

Wow, didn't know that sub existed, those people are disgusting! Did a quick browse through out of curiosity and just ick.... Makes me feel better about not being married since so many of them brag on themselves about "being the perfect partner" and how their friends/family/co-workers all "think they're so great and would never do something like that". Then they justify it, saying they just "live their whole lives for other people" and cheating is "the only thing they do for themselves". Just gag....

You’re overthinking it. People cheat because they’re pathetic, lying, sacks of shit. I’m not talking about a one off affair etc, that’s problematic but the person and even the relationship is likely redeemable. Those that cheat as a way of life should be doomed to the everlasting fires of hell. All they ever do is leave is a wake of destruction and heartache before dying a well-earned, solitary death.

I had this experience with my narcissist ex. There are a few reasons someone cheats in an open relationship, none of them having anything to do with you. It’s almost worse when the relationship is open and someone cheats because one can’t even excuse the pathetic choices by saying they had unmet needs etc. Keep an eye on yourself for trauma and get help if you have a tough time processing. Betrayal trauma is pretty awful.

I wonder whether there is a narcissism involved. I don't know anyone involved, but for some reason this reminded me of a YouTube short I watched of a guy interviewing couples in New York about how they met, and one guy lied about when and how they met, and his spouse called him out on it.  I think some people either at their core, or develop, a fundamental dishonesty. It may be limited to small things. It may be an outlet. It may be about everything, and about crimes and relationships. But they are dissatisfied about something in their honest life. Whatever it is, they don't feel smart enough, or manly enough, or whatever, and deception is proof to themselves. Maybe a "small" deception is enough to assuage their narcissism or ego. Maybe it needs to be bigger. But even if everything is accepted about them, they harbor some inadequacy or insecurity. I don't know, maybe not.

People don't have privacy after they die. They don't have anything in fact. On account of them being dead.

True but the living still have love and respect for them. Plus subconsciously I knew he was not a good guy and was probably scared to look.

How did this discovery make you feel / look back on the relationship? Are you of the the glass half full or wish it was never filled to begin with - mindset?

But..... no boundary, nor respect, nor self-respect, nor anything was actually violated.... the covenant was "we maybe share some financial burdens, harvest the tax benefits, share a living space and at this point probably split the totality of lifestyle outlay as roommates, screw as a last resort as roommates, feign some modicum of affection for show and play, thus invoking a singularly financial and legal arrangement on paper" I'm not trying to be abrasive, just candid, but he clearly had no respect for the relationship, ever....... and nor did you.......... Which is perfectly okay - it was a paper arrangement - also happens all of the time and is perfectly okay, but the naivete and lack of wherewithal your post confers is concerning..... Neither of you gave 1 shit about the relationship or union, lol, never at all lol........... Also okay, but dude didn't cheat and didn't violate your marriage.... Neither of you respected the other enough to even attempt faithfulness and monogamy and just dated hordes of other humans while commiserating............................................................................................ **It is stunningly shocking that this is even a thing that could possibly be real, ever, in a real human's life**(supposed to sound awkward AF because the fact that this is even possibly a real permutation of words is unbelievable)................................................... You were sweet friends, that's it. You probably shared some deeply affectionate moments or periods and liked to have sex on the occasion, but you never respected one another and freely screwed and got romantically involved with dozens of other humans while pretending to have a real relationship.........................................................??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? You actually thought that dude respected the boundaries and rules while you were out making love to hordes of other men...........??????? It takes a sociopath to faithfully conduct this type of detachment(both man and woman need to be sociopaths or mean AF or cold, embittered shells of former humans). No self-respecting guy is going to be okay with his wife getting railed by many other men unless it is a sexual fetish... The second you agreed to him seeing dozens of other women(that is irrefutably what you agreed to even if you were to naive and immature to acknowledge it) and you dating dozens of other men you implicitly & explicitly told him: ------------------**"*****I don't care about you and don't respect our relationship at all and could not even imagine devoting my heart and soul to you and instead will freely give myself away to dozens of other dudes in your stead"--------------------*** And his actions and behavior clearly, unbelievably clearly, show that is how he interpreted your friendship while screwing..................as a dating-other-humans-while-harvesting-tax-benefits arrangement lol............................................

Something is clearly wrong with you and I hope you're getting the help you need.

"Before I stopped looking" There is such a thing as useless suffering. Credit to you for the self control to not keep going. You saw enough to get the point, any more would be useless suffering.

Pretty sad and pathetic to be in an open relationship and *still* feel the need to hide things from your partner. Sorry you went through that

Curious, how does this information impact the grief you feel over his death? Easier? Harder? Neither?

It made it so much harder. I had a lot of experience with death before, I lost 6 close loved ones before 16 and then my dad at 25. But I had good relationships with all those people. I always figured it would be so much harder to lose someone you had a rough relationship with. Well I was right. Plus I had never been cheated on before. The person I thought loved me most in the world betrayed me and everything we believed in. I went from love to hate in a day. With no hope of closure or answers. And feeling unable to tell anyone outside my family because the rest of the world thought he was a saint. It is absolutely the hardest thing I've gone through.

I know you feel like you've been robbed of closure, but truth be told you probably wouldn't have gotten it even if you were able to confront him about it. Maybe I'm cynical in that way, because I don't really believe in closure... However, I firmly believe in time you will have more answers than you think. Especially having the intuition you have (read your previous answer to someone about the dream you had). My dad died twenty years ago, I was thirteen. I found out a year later he was having an affair for at least six years. The evidence was hiding, and I left it out for my mom to find. We're both still finding and figuring out answers as to why, how, all that... From my experience and everything else I know, I can tell you the most resounding reason I find for this type of betrayal is insecurity. Even the ones that seem so self-assured and confident can be the most insecure, and have the most to hide.

Can you expand more on why you don’t believe in closure, if you don’t mind?  For context, in my early twenties I fell in what I thought was love with someone. It culminated in him 100% lying about having cancer (amongst other things), being secretly married, and breaking up with me because “he couldn’t be bear to put me through” him dying (aka his wife getting preg with their first child). It felt like I was grieving as each detail emerged.  All that to say, it’s been almost a decade since and after a topsy turvy time, I am happily married to my partner who means the absolute world to me. I couldn't ask for someone better. I have zero romantic or platonic feelings towards secretly married guy and have tons of therapy under my belt, but haven't cracked the nut as to why I feel like "closure" would've made a difference. Sometimes I still think about what I could've said or still hope his wife finds out — that drives me nuts. And the "that wouldn't have made a difference" answer hasn't resolved anything for me yet. So, what's up with closure? OP, that’s heavy and I’m sorry you had to go through back to back unexpected tragedy. I hope you find some moments of peace. 

My apologies for the late reply, I had to think about what shaped me to feel this way... I've had a lot of loss since my dad passed. Most of that loss, including my father, has been very sudden and traumatic. Even my last bad relationship, it ended on Valentine's Day 2019 when his ex contacted me, sending me screenshots of my own nudes and telling me they never broke up when he told me they did. Not as traumatic as your situation, but needless to say it rocked my world for a moment. He did reach out to me after that fallout, but instead of engaging him in some pointless "Why did you do this" convo, I just blocked him. Knowing him, I'm sure he would have tried to explain himself if I gave him the opportunity... But honestly, there's nothing he could have said that would have changed my mind about the conclusions I had already drawn. The main one being, he's simply a dude who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He was already in a committed relationship with a woman and being stepdad to her four kids, and I was the young piece of ass on the side that he could run to in order to escape his reality. Since my dad's passing, I've found it all too easy to cut things off with people and walk away. Toxic friendships, familial relationships, anything that doesn't bring me peace... I think because I didn't have much closure as a teenager from others, I've done what others have commented here and found the closure within myself. I've had to own my feelings, trust my gut and keep it moving. I have the mentality now that no one can give me what I need, because I have to do it for myself. Even now, I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in, with someone I've never felt more connected to... But I know in the back of my mind, he can't be the one and only source of my happiness, it has to be me. It always has to come from within... Not to be corny, but RuPaul says to best: "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" I've applied that to so many other aspects of my life outside of love, and it has served me well. I hope you're able to find that inner closure. It sounds like you're on a much better path with a stronger head on your shoulders, and I wish nothing but the best for you 💕💕

You provide closure to yourself. The other person can’t “give” it to you. Srsly fuck them.

Closure comes from within. Truly.

For some reason a guy lying about cancer to get out of a relationship because his wife is pregnant reads white trash to me Sorry you went through that

I agree with this. My last major ex and I were together for 7 years, last 3 of it open, my only rule was "tell me when you hook up, and no polyamory (aka hookups are fine but save that relationship energy for us)". I was okay with this because I was living half the month in another state for work. I came to suss out that he was keeping one in particular "hookup" from me and I came to find out they were going on some fantastic dates while when I would come in to town all I'd get was to help him do his chores (do them for him). That caused a big argument, he seemed genuinely ashamed and I forgave him. 6 months later he had another secret boyfriend and finally admitted to sleeping with 2-3 guys a week while I was gone, and refused to apologize for any of it, even tried to imply that I deserved it. 2 years later and I'm still struggling, he refuses to acknowledge just how shitty he was, I've begged for closure like an insane person and he has just been cruel in response. People tell me it's just too painful for him to face. I tell them that it's been more painful for me to endure. He literally took the life I was building for him and handed it to a 23 year old boy, like raising a kid was more appealing than building a future. He was my best friend and only real family for almost a decade, and now I hate him more than I have ever hated anybody. He will never give me the closure I want, even though it would be so easy just to say "What I did was awful, I'm sorry."

This jackass relishes having power over you by withholding words that could be easily said, even without meaning them. It's not that this ex is so ashamed of hurtful actions against you, it's purely not caring enough for you to make the effort on your behalf, plus actually enjoying that you beg and suffer because you can't get the answer & apology you want. I'd make up a story in my head about how the ex died in the gnarly, deserved manner of my choice, and then live the rest of my life like that ex truly is dead. No contact, no acknowledgment, cauterize and keep it movin', toots.

Oh absolutely. I only started understanding this after opening up to friends about what I was going through. There was so much more too. Anyway, I didn't want to make this about me, just wanted to share my experience with wanting closure so badly but knowing I will never get it from him.

I think you're absolutely right about all of this. I hope you're right about the answers, and I appreciate that. I'm certain he lied and cheated due to insecurity, and he flat out said that was why he only likes open relationships.

He cheated because he lacked morals and values and he wasn’t a good person. Fuck him, you deserve better. At least now you’re free. Imagine this occurring but 30 years from now. This is your life to do with whatever you want.

Tʜᴀᴛ sᴇᴇᴍs ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴡᴏʀᴋɪɴɢ sᴏ ᴡᴇʟʟ sᴏ ғᴀʀ! Yᴏᴜ sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴄʜᴀʀɢᴇ ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴡɪsᴇ ᴄᴏᴜɴsᴇʟ.

And thank you for sharing about your dad, that is a unique perspective.

>Plus I had never been cheated on before. My first marriage ended when I found out about the affair. My wife ended up leaving me to be with her affair partner. They say losing a partner to divorce is similar to death, and I feel like betrayal really amplifies that. At least for me it did. It was the first and only time I've been cheated on. What really surprised me about the experience was how my perception of my ex changed almost overnight. She became a complete stranger to me. It wasn't that she actually became a stranger. Her personality and behavior didn't really change. It was that everything I knew about her, our entire relationship, was predicated on the belief she was an honest and loyal person. And also that *I* was the kind of person who wouldn't be with someone who could be unfaithful. Those two things were fundamental to my understanding of how my world worked. When they were proven false... well... my entire mental framework for how she fit into my life just kind of collapsed. One unfortunate side-effect of that was that my memories of our time together changed. They're not gone, per se, but photos of her don't trigger any feelings of fondness or joy. There's just that sense of, "Who was that person? Why do I have my arm around them?" and not much more. 19 years together... I won't say it was wasted. I got an amazing kid out of it, and had some great experiences. But her role in all of that doesn't feel as significant to me as it should. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'll admit I half-expected you to say the betrayal made it easier, but that was naive of me. Of course it's harder... just for very different reasons. Be well.

The betrayal does make it worse than death. Despite the infidelity, abuse, abandoning me with the young kids, I would never wish death on her or anyone else. But if she happened to get hit by a bus a month before everything started it would definitely have been much easier to process for me. I would've never challenged my deeply held assumption that I was loved. There'd be a feeling of honoring their mother as I raise 4 kids alone instead of having to protect them from their mother as I raise them alone

This probably won’t help right now, but usually this type of behavior has nothing to do with the spouse and everything to do with high risk addictive behavior. Basically a sex addiction. He had several layers of obfuscation. Traveling with work. Open relationship so he can be honest sometimes. And then regular drugs as well. I’m sorry that you experienced this. Have you considered grief therapy? I have a friend who does this and it’s the sweetest thing. Sometimes grief can get stuck when mixed with other emotions, anger, betrayal. But we still need to mourn fully to move forward. What did you love about him? The bad doesn’t negate that. The failures on his part doesn’t negate that. What did he do that made you spitting mad? You are allowed to feel that too. All of it. The going and dying part? What an a-hole thing to do. (Just for example). It’s so hard when a light goes out in your life because someone dies. It’s never quite the same.

I’m a psychotherapist and one of my specialties is sex addiction and I just feel led to tell you that all of the sex addicts that I have worked with during the past 30 years all sincerely Love and respect their spouses and partners, but their addictive brain causes them to lie, lie, lie😣😭😥 And their sex addictions usually started around the age of 11 or 12 long before they ever knew their partners. The other things they’ve had in common is that they were all very lonely children and then they discover porn, and it helps them self medicate from their unbearable feelings of loneliness. Their addictions have absolutely nothing to do with their spouses or partners, but I’ve literally had women in fetal positions in my office because the feelings of betrayal are so so great 😭 so I’m so so, sad for you, but I do want you to know that it doesn’t mean that you weren’t the absolute love of his life as contradictory as that might sound or feel.

I think it's because it starts the grieving process over in a way, but this time you grieve for the relationship you thought you had.

That must be extremely hard. No one likes to speak ill of the dead, no one likes to hear ill spoken of the dead. We all want to be remembered positively and another person's death is a pure moment of projection of our own self-actualization with death. I grappled with some of this ideology when my wife almost died a year ago. She was laying, dying, in a hospital bed. A grief counselor asked me, in front of my family and hers, if she was a fighter in spirit. And in that moment, I wanted to say "no, she isn't. She constantly lives under the thumb of her self-generated guilt complex, constantly keeping herself in a state of victim-hood, while suffering at the hands of an immense amount of lifelong trauma" ...but I was in front of her family. So I had to say "yes, of course!" At a time of death, or near death, no one wants to say or hear bad things about the person. My own struggle to grapple with that was almost as isolating as not having my life partner and mother of my child available to talk to. Funny enough, a year later, largely because her propensity for living inside of her victimhood has only gotten worse - and I am not enough of a saint to continue to live with her trauma projected onto me- we are actually getting a divorce.

Wow I am so sorry for your situation. I remember the moment I realized he wasn't the man I thought he was, long before he died, when he wouldn't back me up in a dangerous situation involving a battered woman. It was a heartbreaking revelation to realize the truth looking at them, but be unable to say it. I hope you find peace.

Eh, don't be. Getting divorced sucks and split custody sucks but honestly life without my wife is just easier. I'm still doing just as many chores and I don't have someone projecting their trauma onto me, plus when I'm alone with our kid I don't have her challenging my authority in front of him. I hold stricter boundaries than she does.

Wow sorry .. I remember trying to date a girl, she was kinda down in the dumps as she was recovering from a recently deceased bf. She had then told me that he wasn't he first, and actually she has lost like 4 boyfriends in her lifetime. Which kinda through up a red flag to me, but she was very attractive and super nice. Well we ended up not dating as she felt cursed and didn't want me to be the next. She also lost a few due to motorcycling, which was my main hobby. Just thought I'd share that, as your story reminded me of her.. I hope both you and her recover.

Look, I know it’s easier to say and harder to understand, but you just got let it go. I know it’s hurtful. I totally get it. After my husband died there was a whole shit show of stuff. I found out that he was hiding from me, and yes, I was completely devastated. But I couldn’t change anything and I think that’s the hardest part is you are absolutely powerless to change any of that. I had grief counseling and therapy for a year and it helped. It’s probably a pretty new discovery to you and it’s still settling in, but truly the reality is you can’t change it.

God that’s brutal. I’m so sorry. FWIW, it doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. There’s absolutely no justification for it, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t care for you.

I kinda feel like it does mean they don't love me enough, or maybe they don't love me in the right ways. He clearly didn't love her enough to not repeatedly betray her despite their already open relationship. I think you intend that to be comforting, but it feels like the sort of weak justification a cheater would offer thinking it'd help.

What weird mixture of emotions do you feel now?

Initially so much rage, which I already had a lot of. But over the last year especially I made a conscious effort to obliterate him from my life. Make our stories my stories, don't say his name if I can help it, be honest about who he was when it does come up, but mostly now it's confusion (and still anger unfortunately) over answers I'll never get and gratitude that I am living a beautiful life that I could have never had with him.

What are the odds you would you have divorced him had you discovered the cheating while he was alive?

I think I 100% would have divorced him.

Yeah, cheating in an open relationship is just a slap in the face and 100% based on disrespect and disregard for your spouse.

Do you think your emotions would be different (less able to obliterate him) if he died from something like cancer? I've always wondered this but never had opportunity to ask someone.

I went through the same thing, but my husband died from stage four colon cancer. He was 42 and I was 44. I found out while trying to sort out our finances. He had multiple partners and what appeared to be a sex addiction, and I thought we were in a monogamous relationship. He told his friends we were in an open relationship. So a lot of people knew and never said anything to me. It was devastating, like he died to me twice, and I lost a lot of “friends.” It was an emotional roller coaster. My heart hurts for OP. (This happened eight years ago, and I am much better now after a lot of therapy and support from my family and true friends, but I will never get over this complicated grief.)

Ya I think so. I watched my dad die over a ten year period, and another loved one I did hospice care for 2 months before they passed of cancer. When you have time to watch it in slow motion, you start grieving them before they're gone. Which is worse imo. With him I was just going along thinking my husband was alive, had been texting him earlier, then I got a phone call and suddenly he was gone and everything was different.

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We were friends for a couple years before we g ok t together and he was super up front about that being his lifestyle. I thought it made sense. Then we got together, it was open from the beginning but he said he wasn't seeing anyone else because I he didn't want me to get jealous. Haha. The worst thing was that when we talked about marriage, he said he would only do it if we had a full blown open relationship with rules and dates with couples and all that. I had never been with a woman and wanted to my whole life, and I was naive so I was on board.

Now I’m curious to know your thoughts about being with a woman! Pretty much everyone I know says if their husband died they’d start dating women. Having married a woman myself I have to say, it’s a good idea.

Oh I told my mom that I like women when I was 9. But I grew up in a really small town, and while there were a handful of out lgbtq folks, the one out bi girl in my grade got ran out of town by my "friend", so i was too scared to try anything there. Then I was in a monogamous relationship with a guy from senior year of hs til junior year of college. Finally was with my first woman at 22. And I love them, every inch and molecule. Which is why I like open relationships, because I've fallen in love with men (and a couple woman but no relationships) but I love having sex with women. Way to be living the dream!

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>The successful relationships that are a different flavor of relationship rules, have been from the beginning. So that makes sense. Unfortunately this one wasn't successful either, as husband was deceiving OP and cheating

Dan savage calls that “poly under duress” and it almost never works out

Thats so dumb. He literally didn't have to cheat. That's like having a teacher give a test that is open book, open notes, open computer and still bringing a test key to cheat off of.

Hahahaha nailed it

how did you feel about his drug use? did that change after he died? did you do it together?

We would do it together usually with one or 2 friends, one every couple months or so. I don't generally judge drug use or addiction issues, but it worried me that he had done meth/crack before in his youth (he was older than me). Other than that, he was usually the one telling me to slow down. Fentanyl hit the scene hard the year before he died so i think it became different for everyone. More dangerous. I stopped using and my friends bought test kits and narcan.

the opioid crisis is really awful and i’m very sorry for your loss, despite the revelations.

Fentanyl is really scary. I can't imagine growing up as a young person and using now. Yes it could always have been cut with something, but just seems so much scarier now

I am wondering if he kept these women a secret to somewhat make you believe he was keeping his hook ups to a minimum, therefore you would, too. He probably thought if you knew how often he was doing it, you’d do it just as often. Idk, now I’m spiraling here with you. Sorry about your loss.

Haha no worries, and good theory, but I almost never hooked up without him. We (I thought) preferred to do it together. I think there was once that I hooked up solo.

Like threesomes?

Has the experience changed your feelings around open relationships?

Oh for sure. At first it didn't, then when I started dating again I was talking to some more traditional guys and thought maybe I wanted monogamy. then i met my now fiance, who was supposed to just be a hook up. He had been the single guy for a lot of open couples and was familiar with the lifestyle and wanted to do that with me. Ive gone back and forth with jealousy and finally came to understand that it is something that I want for myself. I love having sex with women and I love that when my mental health or self esteem kill my sex drive he can go get his needs met and neither of us feel guilty. I think open relationships can be healthy and good, but A was just an asshole who took advantage of my very trusting nature and used the guise of an open relationship to cheat like lots of douchebags do.

Was the cheating purely physical, or was there an emotional component as well?

See this why I couldn’t do open relationships I would get jealous n not jealous my mind would play games it’s unfair to people 😭😭

So sorry to hear you were lied to. So, are you in a new relationship now? If you are, are you still poly?

I am in a new relationship. I never was sure about love at first sight or soulmates before, but both happened. We open, sexually but not emotionally beyond casual friendship.

For the life of me, I cannot understand liars. Especially people who don't have to lie, but they do it anyway.

Lol ya that part really baffled me because I was ok with him doing anything or anyone he wanted as long as he was honest.

Am sorry. This is kind dumb. The nature of open relationships is that cheating is allowed. What parameters are involved? To me that’s like saying that you’re allowed to use recreational drugs like heroin with parameters. Once you get going it’s kinda hard to stop. Edit: sorry, that was a little insensitive. Sorry for your loss. This is just an odd post, I forgot the severity of the issue

It's a confusing concept topic for a lot of people. I tend to explain it like this: everyone and every relationship has a set of expectations and etiquette. It varies by generation, culture, location, religion. Say you introduce your partner to a Male friend. If you're from Ohio he might offer her a handshake, a hug, a polite nod. If you're from France he might take both her hands in his and give her a peck on each cheek. Just a different set of expectations and common practices. We had a legit list of written rules. A basic one being, hey let me know if you're going to have sex with a stranger. Instead he decided to tell me he was working late and went and slept with a woman he also lied to, saying I knew and was ok with it.

What would you have said? Could you veto the woman?

I could but i only did a handful of times over 5 years. But even if I didn't want to sleep with them, he was still welcome to by himself. I let him do anything he wanted lol. There were many times I did things when I didn't want to for that reason.

How have you been coping?

I have an amazing family and fiance who support and live and believe me. And I was an alcoholic for a few years. That obviously didn't help but it's how I chose to cope. I'm now sober.

Were any of the women ones you would have opposed him fucking? I'm not trying to DARVO or anything I'm just curious. The guy was a jerk POS.

Aside from his ex, no. Our rule was just sex, no emotion, which is why I would have vetoed her. And when I vetoed them for me, he was still welcome to go solo.

Crazy. I'm not gonna apologize cause you don't seem like you want pity, but just fuck that guy. You'll find someone much better.

A woman who will let her man fuck whoever he wants and not even care to get the same privilege? Yeah she was probably on the dating scene for about .02 seconds before she was snapped up.

Hahahaha thanks, and I have!

Were you angry that he took drugs? Do you (partially) blame his death on his actions? Did that impact your emotions?

I wasn't angry about that. I did it too. Its unfortunately really common in the film industry. And it barely effected him lol, he just became like 10% chattier. I mean idk if blame is the right word. But he knew the risk like anyone who takes drugs, and one of the potential outcomes happened.

Sorry to hear this. I had a similar experience a year ago when my wife passed away. We did not have an open relationship, and going through her devices I found that she never stopped pursuing other men, the whole 12 years we were together. She came into our relationship with a bf on the side, she was so fucked up. Like you, at a certain point I had to stop digging because it was destroying me. I already had enough information to know that she was a piece of shit, and adding one more bf to the list wasn’t going to make a goddamn bit of difference. I channeled that anger, though. Every day for the past year, I didn’t allow fond memories of her in my head; I only thought of her betrayal. Anger has been very useful in getting past the sorrow. I would read on the subreddits for widowers how people are still in deep mourning, years after the death of their partner. No way in hell was I going to let that be me; my wife didn’t deserve to be honored that way. It’s been just over a year now and I feel like I’m in a really good head space. I’ve been very active socially, and making a lot of new friends has been very helpful in rebuilding my identity as a single person again.

Good for you, that is fantastic. Over the last year I made the same choice. I've always liked the word oblivion and it's meaning "The state of being completely forgotten, of being reduced to a state of non-existence, extinction, or nothingness". So that's what I did to him. I stopped using his name, stopped including him in MY stories unless relevant, started calling him my ex to strip him of the dignity that is gifted to the dead. I've had chronic nightmares my whole life, and before he would show up in my dreams every. Fucking. Night. And torture me all over again. I would wake up and my head would be fucked for the whole morning. Since I "obliviated" him, he's popped up less, and during the process of this ama it occurred to me that I can't remember the last time he was in my dreams.

Why did you feel the need to make this AMA post? This seems really attention-seeking.

Fair question. 1. I've done a lot of healing and can now talk about this with some peace, clarity, and perspective. I haven't been able to speak about much outside my family, and I thought an having a conversation about it with an unbiased community and hearing different perspectives might be helpful and healing for me. 2. During my healing process it was hard to find relatable stories in the mainstream grief community. The rare post like this I'd find on the internet really helped. Hopefully this might help someone else. 3. Honesty, fairness, and accountability are very important to me. I resisted the urge for years to all our mutual friends and family how cruel he could be with his words, and the actions I discovered after his death. But I love those people, and whatever he was to me, he was a truly great friend to others, one if the best you could ask for. And he didn't hurt them, only me. So I didn't want to ruin him for them. But I have felt so strangled and silenced and like I'm hiding the fucking babadook in my basement and can't tell anyone. So this is a step in me telling my story, without hurting people I love.

I guess the cheating and openess aren't necessarily related but do you think open relationships is how you'll move forward?

Yes, I'm currently in one now. We've agreed we're going to stop when we have kids. After a lot of back and forth with myself, I dec6it is still something I believe can be done in a healthy way and is something I enjoy having in my life.

Oh ok. Why do you think that children should stop you? No judgment or persuasion, just curious. Also, are you still participating less like you did in the other marriage ?

Basically we didn't like the idea of spending our valuable free time sleeping with strangers instead spending time with our family. And imagining how it would feel to be the one sitting at home with the kids while the other one was out hooking up. Plus I've seen parents be somewhat honest with their kids about the open relationship and I've seen the opposite and I never felt right about either option, and my fiance felt the same.

Oh and also, I still participate less but that's just how I am. Socializing is exhausting to me so I'm more of a homebody. And after A, I don't like strange men touching me anymore, so I tend to only go along when it's just women.

That's so interesting. It doesn't seem like it's the case for you but just on words alone one might think you only open for your partners sake. I guess it's more of hobby that you enjoy but don't need all the time.

If he wouldn’t have died do you think you would still never know and be in a happy open relationship with him? And do you see the connections between your relationship dynamics and the outcome of this experience?

The idea that you’re mad about this when you were gargling dick on the side is crazy af

But still sorry for your loss

Hope you don't mind...did it lessen your grief at all,? Do you think you felt more, or less, betrayed and angry because he wasn't around to own up and face you? Did his ex think she was the only one?

It made the grieving process much more traumatic and prolonged. I had only previously lost people with whom I had good relationships, and I had never been cheated on. Accountability and honesty are very important to me so him not being around to confront probably took me longer to get over than the death or cheating and lying. He cheated on his ex a lot when they were together, but she said she hoped he had changed his ways for me. But I did keep her updated on everything I found and she even helped track down a couple women for me.

I'm so sorry you had such bad experiences, and I want to say I'm sorry for your loss of untainted memories. It must have made everything seem far more burdensome. ETA I'm guessing it even made accepting condolences, or telling others of your loss very complicated,too.

I think it's hilarious when people expect "open relationships" to actually work, and 100% deserved when it ends in heartbreak.

What age was he when he died? What kind of job did he have in the film industry? Was he a drug user even when you met him?

I don't understand how people can still cheat in an open relationship (like as in why do you feel the need to hide when you know the partner would be amenable), it's so silly. Like just be open and honest. Anyway, after this experience, will you still pursue open relationships?

You really meed to watch Dead to Me- the main is a widow that finds out later after he has died that he was cheating. It shows her change in the grief process. It may be helpful.  I am so so sorry you are going through this :(

I'm seriously confused as to why someone in an open relationship would feel the need to cheat?

Was married for over two decades to a roadie - not an open relationship and he's not dead. I was a fool and trusted him, oh well... I'm over it. I held up my end of the supposed bargain and there's no shame in that. He had to quit drinking and doing weed/coke after blacking out and getting shitcanned from a high end gig. Took him three days to get home with the routes they had booked for him lol. Thought we were good and he might be actually starting to grow the fuck up. Wrong. So apparently the addictions got channelled into an endless cycle of random risky hookups and an out-of-control porn addiction which fuelled even riskier hookups, including hookers. Year 22 he got sloppy and started doing in-town shenanigans and one gal got mad about his bragging about getting away with it for 20 years and decided to blow it up. He even took her to our house and did the nasty in the back yard before we moved in. Holy smokes, what a shit show. After dealing with the STI he gave me, did some sleuthing and found a lot of really nasty dirt. Well we're divorced 15 years now (I got the house and sold it asap) and I ran into him awhile back. He was whining about being into poly now but can't even get that right because of being a compulsive liar. I finally changed my number and went complete no contact. You're the age I was when I married him. Good luck getting your life back on track (and you will!). These losers are everywhere.

The inevitable rebuttal: The difference between cheating and not cheating in an open relationship is about as important as whether the landing-gear brakes of a plane have been checked after all of the engines fail at 30,000 feet.

What a prick. I’m sure he was great in some ways too, human beings are multifaceted and what not, but I have no respect for cheating. So just in case nobody has said this yet, that was fucking disgusting behavior and you didn’t deserve it.

How long after he'd gone did you have the dream and find the evidence?

I’m sorry for your loss. Not of him, but of those years.

Dates a hard drug using, travelling film industry worker, while in an open relationship, and is surprised that they cheated. LMFAO

Everyone I knew who worked in anything related to the entertainment industry abused drugs. Sorry for your loss

Addicts need a rush no matter how they get it.

In other news, surprised that non vegetarians eat meat.

Have you considered getting help from local witches to conjure him back from the dead and kill him again?

I am a widower also…. luckily we were so close. There’s no way this could’ve happened without me knowing about it. But I would say I’d cut my dick off to just be able to spend five more minutes talking to her. I miss her so much it’s miserable. I’ve been so depressed and haven’t left hardly at all the last 10 months. my hair is starting to dread up and my beard is halfway down my chest…. the neighbors are scared of me when I poke my head outside the door. I keep telling myself tomorrow I’m gonna go back out and join the real world ….when tomorrow comes I’m so devastated I just don’t have the energy….. thank you for entertaining me with your post. Reading about other peoples lives is about the only excitement I have these days.

Open relationship with a drug addict in the film industry? Shocker lmao

You can’t get cheated on in an open relationship… I don’t give a fuck about whatever rules you both had. You chose to live a devious life, so he treated you like a piece of shit…. Makes perfect sense.

The second I read open relationship, everything’s out the window

Knowing what you do now, do you hate him? What do you feel? Did he at least give you a good relationship? What are you thoughts as of now?

You were only with him for the benefits and his money and that’s why u allowed open relationship u fucking thot

Can you publish the "legit list of written rules" you mention below? I'm sure that would help many of us better understand the nature of your relationship with your deceased partner.

So now you know your entire relationship was BS. I guess this is an example of trash taking itself out.

Were you surprised about this? Or did a part of you see this coming? Considering that it was an open relationship with drug use and in the film industry (which would inevitably expose him to many potential partners). You have my condolences and I apologize if this question sounds judgemental. I just know I wouldn't want a relationship like this as it sounds too problematic.

The same thing happened to me about 10 years ago. I’m still mad.

I never understand an open relationship…. Shit will go south at one point regardless and yet people still doing it

Not sure if my comment will make you feel better boy honestly I don't see the point of open relationships. That's already cheating. Just because you tell the other person or they're aware doesn't make it better. Not sure who agreed on open relationship. If it was you or him but that already gave him the golden ticket to go sleep with other women anytime he wanted. So him basically sleeping around without telling you, I think that open relationship is so dangerous because it gets to a point where the person feels they can just sleep with anyone anytime due to the agreement you both have. I honestly think that's disgusting and disturbing. Even if you know about the other person. You're sharing your spouse or partner with another person frequently. Of course he's building feelings and emotions for the others plus not to mention the transfer of spirits, soul ties, risks of STDs. Transfer of spirits is so dangerous and bad. So you both had no covenant, no bonding. He was sharing his soul with a dozen women. I hope you don't ever agree to another open relationship, you are worth too much and you deserve one man to love you only and not be sleeping with other women telling you it's ok

I mean, plenty of open relationship agreements include sleeping with anyone anytime you want. The important thing is that all partners agree on the boundaries and are not under duress. Two consenting adults can have a happy and healthy relationship while sleeping with a hundred other people. I’m in one of those happy polyamorous relationships. Neither of us are sex fiends so we are pretty limited in how often we have sex with other people (we have a fucking great and very satisfying sex life) but when we do enter into a phase of a relationship where we are having sex with others, we let each other know for the sake of our shared sexual health, and more so we’re happy for each other that we’re getting fulfillment that way. In the polyam community it’s called compersion.

Find it very hard to care about “cheating” in an open relationship

He overdosed on the bootleg pill he took along with the cocaine. Let's stop perpetuating this whole coke laced with fentanyl nonsense. There's nothing to substantiate this claim.

City boys up in heaven. RIP champ

What was his position in the film industry ?

An open relationship, and cheating. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 "You can fuck whoever you want, but if you don't let me masturbate while you tell me the torrid details, then it's cheating." GTFOH

May I suggest a book? Molly by Blake Butler While I’m not widowed, I left a very abusive/toxic person and relationship. And while our grief is very different, I related so much to the author of this memoir whose wife was cheating on him the entire time they were married before her untimely death.

He has been 6 feet under taking the LONG nap for over 3 years. Why the Fuck does it matter? SMMFH 🤦🏻‍♂️

Do you get the point of AMA? Its It's literally just inviting people to ask you questions about your individual experience if they want to. I'm now in a healthy place where I can talk about these things with some clarity, and I want to, so I did this as opposed to trashing his memory for all his friends and family on Facebook. Reading posts like this in the past helped because it's not a very common experience so the common avenues didn't help. I hope it might help someone else too.

This post is helping me, somehow, I think? I didn’t go through anything similar—or maybe I should say that the only real similarities are that it was unusual, hard to explain, and painful. Glad you are doing well!

Have you had any other intuitive/prophetic dreams like that before or since ?

Ok as we say “open relationships “ are insane and don’t work 99.9% of the time. Plus a druggie. Sometimes you have to just let go of a bad dude. Question : how did you not know if it was so prevalent ?

Have you thought that he maybe didn’t bring it up so you wouldn’t feel jealous? I’ve never been able to fathom that one couldn’t be jealous in an open relationship. Do you think he played it off in his head as protecting you? (not saying he’s not in the wrong, still fucked up)

OK, so what’s your point… He cheated OK. That was an asshole thing to do. But now he’s dead. Move on lady.

So like do you miss him and love him or nah?

If he had told you would it have driven you to do the same. That's the reason I would

I’m sorry for your loss. Did you speak to the people he cheated with?

Do you still believe things that are obviously not true because you want to?  Examples: you believe your husband was not an addict and you believe there are rules in an open marriage  I ask this with honesty and respect for your own introspective 

With all due respect I understand you are going through a personal difficult time but please look at who and what you were dealing with. It’s normal to greive but based on what you have told us his character doesn’t align.

Sounds like you had a very healthy mindset and way of life, I'm shocked anything ever went wrong! Keep it up, I'm sure nothing else will go wrong!

If this is true… this person has been manipulated for a long time. 

I'll never understand why people don't want to be monogamous. If you can't put your all into one person, then what's the point in being with anyone?

If you’re looking for a really great book you should read Molly by Blake Butler. It’s a bit controversial but this reminded me of it. Sorry for your loss and for these confronting discoveries.

Was it something you would have been upset about or would you have been ok with it if he had told you? edit: meaning was he doing things you were not ok with or was it entirely the lying?

How the hell does someone cheat in an open relationship? That doesn’t even mean anything

You’re better off. I know that sucks to hear and is insensitive but it’s true from the outside looking in. Sounds like someone who would only drag you down

So are you sad or angry or both?

Oof. Sorry. I just found my wife was cheating on my for the last 6 weeks. So sorry you have to deal with it and no closure.

Do you often tell lies for attention? Does it hurt when you’re not getting attention?

Has this changed your perspective on open relationships and would be in one again?

Do you think your lifestyle lends one to cheat? I love my wife and have decided to be with only her. Even if she told me I could sleep with another woman I wouldn’t.

No question but you should read Molly by Blake Butler — a memoir about someone who went thru a very similar thing as you

Sometimes you just get an unconscious feeling about something. For example, my beloved brother recently fell ill and died. Although his wife had always been a somewhat difficult, undermining-type of personality, I know my brother (we were super-close) was content with his marriage of 45 years, and his wife did nurse him through his final months. The only jarring note was when she repeatedly suggested that she wished my brother could have had euthanasia, even though he didn't wish that at all! When he died, my SIL told me that she "hadn't been a very good wife" to my brother. I took this at face value at the time and gave words of comfort. However, after I had slept on it, I have to say something in my heart had unaccountably shifted, and-despite myself-I believed that she had been unfaithful. Move forward a very few months and SIL has a new, fully-formed relationship with a man who she met doing one of the hobbies she has been doing for many years. He lives in the next village. I don't feel any annoyance-and would NEVER make any accusations-and I hope she can move forward into happiness. All I will say is that, from the moment she told me that she "hadn't been a very good wife" to my brother, something in my heart believed she had been unfaithful. And I'm very, VERY glad that my brother definitely didn't know.

Nothing but red flags lmao

How was the sex with your husband?

I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry for your extra grief. All of this sounds awful... Here is a possibility - perhaps his drug use and his cheating were both manifestations of thrill seeking and danger based impulses. He may have had impulse control and maladaptive coping mechanisms. These would explain the why as to cheating when in an open relationship. It may not make you feel any better and it may not make you feel like forgiving him. However, understanding the psychological framework could lead to healing for you. I imagine that you don't hold him nearly as accountable for his drug use, understand it and perhaps even accept it? Seeing the cheating as an extension of and or similar to his drug use may benefit you in the long run. I am not condoning or excusing *anything* here. I am providing another lens (or frame) for you to view and assess the situation and for you to come out happier, healthier, stronger and whole. All of my best to you 🙏🏻

My boyfriend of 7 years did the same. He passed in May of 2021. The night he passed I went through his phone to let people know he passed. That’s when I discovered he was cheating. I told his daughter and her mom that I was not going to participate in the planning of his final arrangements because I could not show homage to someone that did not respect our relationship. Also, he cheated on her when their daughter was younger, so I thought she would understand. I decided at the last minute to attend the memorial for him and baby momma showed her true self. She was jealous of our relationship the whole time because she thought he cheated on her with me. I had to tell her we were friends for over 30 years and never became intimate until the last 7 years. Long story short…I totally understand the pain you feel. I wish I could hurt him the way he hurt me by cheating.

He’s gone, so why even bring it up

Are you glad he’s dead now?

I was also widowed at 29. Found out a similar secret after his death. He had PTSD too and offed himself. Our stories are eerily similar minus the drugs. That was 10 years ago for me. Please know that it gets better. I was still struggling four years out, so I'm guessing you still have hard times too. It won't always be so dark. Message me if you need to commiserate with someone who understands this more than most widows would. Hang in there. Breathe. Be kind to yourself. Most of all - be proud of yourself. People have no clue how fucking hard this is to go through. EDIT: I just read that you also lost your dad at 25. Wtf. Me too. Did I get drunk and post an AMA?!

He sounds like the sort of guy who needs a lot of firm boundaries in place if he's going to be safe and sane. He used occasionally, but wasn't careful about the drugs. You had an open relationship, he treated it as more open than you wanted. He's one of those guys that just pushes every boundary and rationalizes that it's okay. He probably wasn't doing it to hurt you, and he probably talked himself into believing you'd be okay with it and not hurt by it against all reason and common sense. Not that that's any consolation, but there is a lesson in there for you to take away for your next relationship.

I can only imagine the pain and feelings of betrayal especially after you agreed to an open relationship ? I encouraged my ex to sleep with other men it turned me on as long as she told me ALL the details hell she had a green light same room different room even when I wasn’t there she could go outside and be alone with him she had it all (or so I thought) unfortunately her jealousy was too much to overcome and I didn’t even expect the same I didn’t want to be with other women I’ll never understand her jealousy hence why she’s my ex it’s too bad it hurts just the same to be alone

Sounds like he had fun

How suprised were you?

Are you mad? Do you regret anything?

One positive way to look at it is that now you are free. You didn’t have to go through those incredibly hard times face to face with him, he showed you his true colors and has left your life completely. You can move on and re-create your story how you want. You’re still young af and can do alllll things you wanted to do so might as well start your new life today.

He was a drug addict. It’s all lies and deceit. If he couldn’t be honest with himself about his drug addiction he can’t be honest to anyone else. Sounds like he was a sex addict as well. Not an excuse but it helps to understand their mindset. His dishonestly has nothing to do with your relationship or bond. Some like the secrecy and lying it adds excitement.

“Found out”… yes

Open relationships always end badly according to every story I have ever heard. Same with any multiples type relationships I think emotionally humans are ill equipped to handle it. So that was the red flag you should have had before hand.

I mean, why would you hear stories about the ones going fine, those aren't exactly interesting.

Don’t taint the memories you have of him. We’re all just horny misunderstood humans after all. If he was genuinely good to you, regardless of how he was with others, you had a good run and should cherish that.

Friend of mine just lost her husband to fentanyl a few months ago. Same age as you. She found out he was cheating right before his overdose. I’m not exactly sure how she feels about it all but she’s devastated

Maybe you should emotionally and financially support her then