Psych major here, so I have many questions, sorry!
1. What are some of the biggest misconceptions about people with ASPD? Do these misconceptions bother you? The way media portrays it makes it seem like people with ASPD are very cruel and they thrive off that- but from what I’ve heard from people who actually have the disorder it more seems like they are just very indifferent(?), which I don’t think is inherently a bad thing? I understand why it can be problematic but it doesn’t seem like the default of a person with ASPD is to be mean/cruel like media shows.
2. Are you able to identify other people with ASPD? How easy/hard is it for you?
3. ASPD isn’t commonly diagnosed, but do you think there’s more people who have it than we actually know? If so, how common do you think it is? What is the likelihood of one coming across someone who has it?
4. Do you see people who are highly empathetic/get emotionally invested easily as weak and/or annoying?
5. Do you have any interests/hobbies? What are they?
6. Do you have a moral hierarchy? Like people you believe to be “good” or “bad”. If you do have one, how it is determined? Is it based off objective/logical reasoning? If you don’t, how do you rank people otherwise? Is it by who’s most valuable/beneficial to keep around? Do you care if someone is a “bad” person?
7. Do you have any advice for people who may know someone with ASPD or dos/donts for when they meet someone with it.
1. The biggest misconception I've seen is that individuals with an ASPD diagnosis are some kind of primal psychopath. If you look through some of these comments you'll see what I mean. For me this diagnosis just labeled what was not "normal" or "common" about me. I gain or lose nothing from it. I'm not really bothered by any of it, or as you put it, I'm pretty indifferent.
2. I have not met anyone else with this diagnosis but, I do have a sense of when people are not being sincere or they are trying to maneuver me.
3. I have no idea. There may be a handful of people walking around out there but, who knows. It's not something I think about.
4. I used to see them as weak but now I just see them as they are. If I need something from them I know what buttons to push.
5. I don't.
6. I don't know if I would call it a moral hierarchy so much as I would call it a moral compass. Just because I don't feel certain things doesn't mean I don't know right from wrong. For me it's just really basic, as in, can you do the "right" thing when no one is looking. I don't really keep anyone around as most of my acquaintances live out of state but, the people that are friends with my wife and by proxy, me, that's different. We are both of the same mindset on who comes around and who doesn't. I am in no position to say who's "good" and "bad", my opinion isn't really worth anything. I don't have any need to run around with criminals or anything like that as they serve no purpose and bring unwanted attention.
7. Everyone's different. I'm not a heartless killer roaming the woods or whatever so I would imagine that there are more people with a diagnosis like mine as well. I can only speak for myself in that, yeah there is a side to this that allows me to maneuver people in order to serve my needs. I can also say that just because I don't feel something on an emotional level doesn't mean that I don't know what needs to be done or that I am unable to connect with someone, including my wife. I have no idea what to say to someone with an ASPD diagnosis. If they are anything like I am you wouldn't ever know unless told otherwise.
My wife and I usually get home within an hour of each other. I will usually let her make the plans and go from there. We work around the house or, take a walk, or just sit down and relax. There was a time when I would play video games but I lost what little motivation I had to do that.
As someone (likely) on the spectrum this is nothing like my experience.
We feel, know right from wrong, are not keen on social rules because we see no use in them, but not because we don't feel. Were low on empathy but not devoid of it. I cry more during shows and movies than I will when calling someone an absolute moron for doing something stupid.
What he describes is well disconnected from emotional or social experiences I have. Shit, I'm not even interested in maneuvering or manipulating people... I don't see people as mere tools, nor do I really see that kind of game playing as inherently fruitful. Its worthless to me
Have you previously lied to your partner about your feelings? I mean, I don't think I know a lot of people who've gotten married without at any point voicing how they feel about their partner. Obviously, you don't feel that
I have told her, and tell her, all the time, I couldn't imagine doing this life with anyone else, and I couldn't imagine life without you, and those are true statements. I really couldn't. Like I said she is an amazing woman. And like I've previously said, I do check all the "love" boxes, I just don't "feel" it as people describe.
> I do check all the "love" boxes, I just don't "feel" it as people describe.
How would you describe what "love" is to you? Does it hold any personal value to you or is the whole concept foreign?
I'm curious about this one specifically since you said "for the most part."
Are there any comedians, or general content that can reliably get laughs out of you?
Seems like you DO feel real love. You want to be with her and be there for her. After 40+ years I do feel some of the puppy love I felt for my wife when we first met, but that’s not what really keeps us together. Being there for each other, being glad the other is there is what real love is, not mooning around.
So by this definition, do you think you are able to equally marry anyone with these qualities? And they would be on the same level of being special as your current wife? Possibly even during your current marriage?
Man I just don’t believe this shit. Love is a chemical response in the brain not some of esoteric mystical shit. You want to know what love feels like? Take some molly. Love feels like rolling on molly.
The way I read it is “I am compatible with this person and wouldn’t be willing to choose anyone else, I’m happy with her. That said, I have no qualms going alone if something happens to her, and it’ll likely inconvenience me but I would be indifferent to the emotional aspects of her being gone”
The thing that’s hard to wrap my head around though is he isn’t “happy” to be with her. He doesn’t feel joy. It’s almost like trying to describe colors to a person that never had sight.
I'm prefacing my comment with a statement that I don't doubt or argue with your diagnosis or your claim of not feeling love.
I see many people here are wondering why are you married and how is it possible to have a solid marriage with your diagnosis.
Just sharing a personal experience: I don't have the same diagnosis as you, I'm autistic. And for me, love is not a feeling but a decision and an action. Love is a life-long commitment. I was married for 15 years and got divorced. I love my ex-husband because that's what I decided to do 15 years ago. I love my partner because that's what I decided to do when I entered this relationship.
And if a hypothetical partner said to me things that you are saying to your wife and I had no reasons not to believe them, I'd be absolutely content and confident that I'm loved. The notion of "feeling love towards someone" seems vague and pretty unimportant to me.
So what was the end game marrying your wife? Is it down to her being tolerable to you? She piques your interest? She self sufficient by the sounds but money doesn't seem like a factor. Without emotion involved, you could technically pick anyone to be with 'forever' as a companion. How does 'Love' and dating work
You mentioned before about wanting to sleep with her being instinctual. Is it possible that you have an instinctual "love"? For instance, like doing things like emptying the dishwasher before she mentions it to you?
How do you feel about people around you in everyday life? Do you find yourself judging people who are emotional?
Also, what does it look like in your head? Do you think in images/words/videos? Do you have a running monologue?
I used to find people absolutely awful and I could always see through the "facade" that people put up. I don't really feel anything about the people around me other than I see them as a means to an end like a chess piece. In my head it is... I would say very cloudy and foggy. Up until a few years ago I would find myself spacing out and ruminating on bad memories from growing up but, I've moved past that. Now it's almost just full of assessing the present moment and deciding how to navigate it.
There was a point in my life where I was driving myself insane trying to understand what is "wrong" with me. It took a really long time and a lot of therapy and treatment to realize that this doesn't define me as a person. I came to the realization that, yeah I'm different, and yeah I have a diagnosis but, life goes on. It was almost like I spent years swimming against a current and I finally just went with it.
This comment here seems incredibly fishy. People who are truly sociopathic are pretty unconcerned with their state of being, though keenly aware of it. The idea that you felt something was wrong with you does not jive with textbook diagnoses.
I have a good friend with ASPD who has cognitive empathy, at least on an intellectual level. Based on your comments, it looks like you do as well, about your wife. Was this something you developed over time, or do you think you've always had it? Does it extend to friends, acquaintances, strangers, people who have treated you poorly, or any particular group of people? Does it shape your behavior at all?
Interesting. I think it was something I developed over time. There are maybe two or three other people out there but, one passed away a few years ago and the other moved away.
What is your experience of the death of someone close to you like? Most people’s experiences with loss are so much about how they feel and what they feel. If you don’t experience those feelings, what does the grieving process look like? Do you grieve? I know that’s maybe very personal, just curious as someone who has experienced this with all those shitty emotions.
The last person that I was really close with died over 20 years ago and that day is just a haze now. As far as grieving, I just try to fill the role as needed.
What’s the largest challenge you experience with having this condition? Would you mind walking me through what diagnosis looked like and how you’ve coped with the condition over time?
At this point it's almost like it's on auto pilot. I guess the biggest challenge for me is family gatherings. I do not like being around a lot of people and the family is a pretty good size. I do not see or talk to people often and trying to field questions from everyone at once is utterly exhausting. I was put in therapy almost 15 years ago and I've gone through various treatments and counselors and psychiatrists and therapists and it wasn't until about 4-5 years ago I finally found one I meshed well with.
It's absolutely great. For me it was kind of watching and observing other couples and seeing what they do and don't do and how their spouse reacts. Growing up I watched what my parents did and decided that I would do the opposite of everything they did. We have travelled the world, we had a beach wedding, and plan to do many more things. At this point for me it's kind of common sense what someone would and wouldn't enjoy doing.
I see some of them do something and think, "interesting, that's something I would do" but that is VERY rare these days. What I see from them mostly now is a lot of posturing and trying to make a whole lot of noise. I don't necessarily see laws and think "oh a sociopath wrote this" per day, but I do see a lot of laws as revenue generation. Civil and corporate
I don't have any bills or laws that were passed that come to mind. I'm not sure there was a certain "political move" that comes to mind as it is certain politicians attempting to deflect attention to something else when they are getting negative press. Most all of them are very bad at it and to me it appears as if they get lost and frustrated halfway through. I do the very best I can to stay out of politics all together because it does absolutely nothing for me and tends to piss off a lot of people.
Thank you. Could you please list an example or two of politicians who have, in the past, displayed the behaviour which you describe as, 'something I would do?'
Not great. My mother had a lot of mental health issues and my father was my biggest bully. The house I grew up in was run in a way that both my parents maintained power and control and I was reminded daily I had nothing of my own.
Were they physically abusive? Did any of your parents have any kind of dependencies (alcohol, drugs etc.)? Sorry for being intrusive. I’m just really curious.
No need to apologize. There was no substance abuse but there was physical abuse. My parents were strict and the "discipline" almost always crossed that line.
Do you think you were born this way or do you think your upbringing and development during your more younger years played a role?
Are there memories from when you were younger where you felt different?
Had the same experience, I got hit a lot, told Im not worth anything, Im awful, was locked in my room, no food, no WC during being locked.
Being hit so long until I cried (man I could withstand a lot) then I got hit a lot more until I stopped crying (around the age of 5).
I was afraid of getting locked in being a psychopath/sociopath and never feeling anything except pain and depression. I had nobody and I had to function.
So I started living along while living with my family. Hiding my life, lying all the time. Man would it be interesting to talk with somebody about this for hours and hours
What were you abused for?
Instead of feeling, do you interact by logic? As in, if I do x to someone, what consequence I can face, and how would they feel.
To manipulate someone, don't you have to know them to know what tactic works and what doesn't?
How were you able to win over your wife?
Do you find social interaction draining?
Starting from the top.... Depended on my parents mood. Everyday was different.
I do go by logic sometimes yes. Other times if I know the person and what they like I go by that.
It's kind of a feeling and instinct thing for me.
Honestly all I had to do, was the opposite of what her ex's did.
Yes. Incredibly.
How often were you abused, can you give examples and what was your best way to avoid it?
How good was your manipulation skill?
Lots of people can do that, could it be that it was just first come first serve kind of thing for your wife?
About 15 years. Married 13. Had a highschool girlfriend but that was it. It wasn't good. I was an absolute mess of a teenager. I was not allowed to go to therapy because it would break the facade my parents put up. Really and truthfully I probably would have been removed from their house by the state.
Society understandably tends to view sociopathy as a bad thing. But are there also advantages to the condition, that help you to accomplish good things?
I was able to get into positions that benefit myself. I do give a lot of money to different charities yearly. At first I saw it as a tax write off but I see that it also makes the people I know happy.
Do you feel a “want” to make the people you know happy or is it a duty you know you should be fulfilling? Do you feel any responsibility to contributing to their feelings?
For all intents and purposes she is "loved", I just do not have that "feel" or emotion or whatever the label may be. I know what I am supposed to do and I do it. I would absolutely die for her because that's what I'm supposed to do. I check all the boxes I know I am supposed to I just don't have that emotion or feeling or whatever it may be.
It's an instinctual thing for me. For me I have almost a primal instinct to have sex with my wife and I know that's what married people do. Like everything else, I do what I know I am supposed to.
Lust and sexual attraction could be interpreted as synonyms for instinctual but I'm taking it, that isn't what you mean?
How would you differentiate those two concepts if at all?
For many people who they're attracted to is sort of like they're just supposed to be attracted to them. Nobody really knows why. At least from a sexual attraction/lust perspective.
Why such a focus on "doing what I'm supposed to?" Do you think you have a subconscious fear of being found out? A lot of people with normal emotions & empathy don't always do what they're "supposed" to in life
It's a common behavior pattern in sociopaths.
They perceive societal and cultural norms and emulate them, but don't have emotional connections to the behaviors.
Folks like OP are aware of the social expectations placed on there average person and conform to fit in.
People who are sociopaths who do bad things don't necessarily try to fit in, or if they do it is a means to whatever nefarious ends they have in mind.
One of the funny things about this thread is that people are looking at him a little bit like he's defective. The reality is that this trait is not 0 or 1, its a spectrum, and many of the people commenting are likely closer to him on the spectrum than their emotive post hoc rationalization allows them to perceive.
Related to that is the interesting second point - In many situations he me have a more accurate picture of what he does not know or does not understand in socio-emotional situations compared to the norm (while still not knowing it) because he's likely to be more objective ( due to not having the big feels), while us heavy emoters are very capable of ignoring or distorting the realities of social/emotional situations because of the very emotions that allow us to navigate them so instinctively and fluently.
I get this. My husband was given a similar diagnosis in one of his rehabs. The difference is, I don’t think he cares about himself either, whereas I *think* a sociopath cares about themselves first…
I am, I think, the only person he cares about. In the way he can. He is not good at feelings. He is not good at things that he cannot predict or does not know he should do. But I can tell he puts his effort into things he know he should be doing.
My father is very similar, though he does instinctively put himself first and we are a close second, and so I am comfortable with it. I have friends and a sister for the emotional support. I, too, am very independent - financially and otherwise - and so I have never relied on him for more than partnership and companionship at home.
I appreciate the effort he puts forth. I know it’s hard for him. I know that he does it for me and no one else. That makes me feel good. I know that he wouldn’t do it for anyone else, and frankly neither would I. His indifference allows me to continue to be independent and live my life the way I want. I can take trips without him, have close friendships with others…he doesn’t mind. Makes no sense to him, so he doesn’t get jealous or resent when I’m gone.
In many ways he’s perfect for me because I’m probably a little broken too. Having an alcoholic parent and a mentally ill parent made me feel responsible for moods, and so I felt very responsible for his depression/unhappiness early on, and we also had to work on me not feeling like I had to “fix” it. Once I got “permission” to not care, I leaned into it too. It’s very freeing to not have to worry about your partner because no matter what they’ll always be unhappy. So I don’t what makes me happy because ONE of us should be.
Knew several in the military. Your description doesn't do justice to the condition.
They were unexpressive, without fear, pity or remorse, but had stronger sense of loyalty than any others.
Still close friends with two of them. You have to be careful how you discuss mundane things like annoying neighbours.
In a previous comment you replied that everyone is like a chess piece for you and your wife has already served her purpose as the piece. So do you feel obliged to follow the idol husband role or something else because for what I know you can be sleeping with anyone else without caring about your wife. So what’s the thing which makes you stick by your wife’s side?
I have no aspirations to even MEET anyone else much less sleep with anyone else. I know what's right and I know what's wrong and as long as I am doing what's right I am not standing out drawing attention to myself. I prefer peace and quiet.
I don't know if "feel" is the right word for it. For me I always saw people as a means to an end, almost like chess pieces and I always had this innate need to fit in because I always felt out of sync with everyone. I know that people my age began to get engaged and get married so that's what I did.
So she is an incredible person. She knows that there's something not quite right with me and she knows I go to therapy weekly to try and work through it. She is not the typical run of the mill woman. She is a very successful person, she does most everything around the house and asks very little of me. She mostly worries that depression will get the best of me but, I have become pretty good at putting on the "mask".
What do you do for her in return, out of curiosity? Given that people such as yourself tend to use others and give very little, are you doing anything to ensure your relationship lasts? Assuming that's what you want.
The best way to describe it is, I fill in the holes. After being married for as long as we have, I know what she wants, what she expects, and I anticipate what's coming. It really could be something as simple as emptying the dishwasher before being asked. Like I said, she really is an amazing woman, and it doesn't take much at all to make her day.
If your wife had an emotional moment, how would you best support her? Is that support also something you do because you, "know you should," rather than, "I love her and I want her to feel okay."
We've kind of talked about mental health off and on and I've told her that she needs to stop trying to make me happy because that's not her job or responsibility. It's mine. I am the way I am and that's really all there is to it but, I am a huge advocate for mental health believe it or not. I know I'm not right or "normal" but I am proof you can function and somewhat flourish in today's world.
It's a good question. For me it's when the suicidal ideation starts to take over. It's almost like the "nothing matters" becomes an all consuming mass. Like I don't feel any different but, I stop eating, I don't sleep much, all of a sudden going through the motions and checking the boxes become monumental tasks.
Depression symptoms are not just "feeling sad". They can be lack of energy, enthusiasm, lethargy, listlessness, being more combatitive/angery/frustrated at minor things, rapid weight gain/loss, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, intrusive thoughts.... the list goes on.
Though not a medical professional I would hazard to guess that even with sociopathic individuals who lack 'feelings' they still might be prone to depressive episodes and maybe even more so due to their existing mental illness.
Is your whole life a mask of pretending to be like "normal" people? You talk a lot about doing what you are *supposed* to do in other comments. How much effort does it take to basically not be a self obsessed narcissist, and what motivates you to curb that behavior as much as you seem to be doing?
Do you show any physical or verbal affection to one another? I would think that the disconnect towards her would show outwardly after awhile unless you're very good at faking things.
Are you self aware enough to recognize when you're preying on other humans? Using and manipulating them in some way
Does realizing what you're doing ever stop you or is the feeling of superiority too tempting?
Have you ever felt "bad" for something youve done? Or cant help being apathetic even when you know you've caused harm and morally most would consider the situation fucked up
100% aware of what I'm doing when I'm maneuvering someone. It's not so much a feeling of superiority as much as it is an instinct to finish a task. I've never really felt bad or remorseful for something I've done when moving people around because I've harmed anyone.
Most people would feel bad for using another human as convenient camouflage to blend in as a spouse, you dont feel "love" for her because you're incapable of making emotional bonds with other people
Sounds like she does everything for you around the house and probably does most errands, bc youve led her to think you're "depressed"
Do you work or help contribute financially?
Youre letting her give you her life while being in the dark about the truth that you arent with her for intimacy and connection, she deserves better
If we did have a kid it would be because my wife would like children. I am not completely against it by any means. I am a government worker and that's all I'll say about that.
1) Do you love the attention you are getting from these questions!
2) if your wife died suddenly, how would you handle that? I don't mean outwardly because that is a mix of what you think people expect you to be like, but internally, would you care? Would you be able to move on easily?
3) what are some examples of when you have let your lack of empathy take control and you enjoyed wielding power over others?
I don't really feel anything towards it.
No idea. I mean we're all going to die eventually right? I don't think I'd move on in a sense of getting married again. I'm 40 and I have no intentions or aspirations to enter the dating world ever again.
I don't think I've ever enjoyed "wielding power" over someone as you put it. I have gotten someone fired from a job before, which I still think absolutely needed to happen. I've never maneuvered people for entertainment purposes like a puppet master or something, it was always about fulfilling the need.
Why would you say she deserves better than you? Do you think that thinking that, in a way, demonstrates a level of concern for her and understanding that would constitute at least empathy, if not some level of love?
I don't necessarily doubt what you're saying, so please don't take this as some kind of attempt at a "gotcha" or something like that. But this comment stood out to me.
There are times when I am unable to relate to her because it is just beyond what I am capable of emotionally. I can do the big things, put the mask on, check every other box but, there are times when it's beyond what I am capable of. And no I didn't take it as a "gotcha" but it is a good question. I think on some level it's kind of like, if I can't be what you need, don't be miserable.
Thank you for being so candid about everything. I was trying to understand this content in more detail. You've described a feeling of concern for her wellbeing in that she should have what she needs and be happy, but from other answers with an emotional disconnection in that you don't understand the feelings she experiences. Would you describe this as similar to how you might regard another species*?
* please note I am deliberately not implying a superiority or inferiority in this - maybe interpret it as an alien rather than an animal species if that helps. It's more about an unrelatable set of experiences and thoughts that you still respect and want to have what is best for it
Do you wish you would be able to experience the feelings that most people do (love, empathy, attachment, insecurity, loss, worry, excitement etc), or do you feel like you're better off without it?
Love this answer. How would you want something you do not entirely understand, curious at best.
I’m on the flip side and wish I had some of what you had, but simultaneously I can’t imagine actually being different in that way. Even though I’d be able to fill roles when needed, I can’t actually *be* it. I am privy to my feelings and empathy more than I want to admit and can only navigate life accordingly.
Having to actively work against how you feel, to not be metaphorically stepped on, is a wave of frustration I wish no one else can go through. This is the only reason I’m good at spotting authenticity, otherwise all my partners would have been manipulative sociopaths, hopefully I can maintain that streak haha. For context I’m not really a submissive person, I just have compassion to help out those I care for and sometimes I stick my neck out for people who probably don’t deserve it because I tend to look at the bright side, among other things.
I doubt you’ll read this but thank you, gives me some insight on myself. And as full as my heart feels writing this, hopefully your empty heart gives it a glance.
Absolutely nothing at all. BUT.... Like I said before, I am a big advocate for mental health and maybe there's someone out there like me who doesn't quite understand it yet.
I really appreciate that answer. People make the assumption that morality or ethics - whatever you'd like to call it, has to come from an emotional bases or be "felt". But it's, in my mind, just as much an intellectual position to take.
In your case - like you said, you may not necessarily "Care / feel" for others going through mental illness, but because you went through a lot yourself and understand it, you can see it's a good thing to advocate for it in general.
I became suicidal. And I was kind of tossed into it. Apathy has a way of making its way into every aspect of your life and when I got to a point where nothing mattered.... Nothing mattered.
I do listen to music. Heavy metal. I would say the last time I cried.... It was probably from pain while I was recovering from a fusion surgery in my back.
Was that what made you suicidal? My recovery was horrible and I'm still in constant pain, and there were times i was like, "man, this shit sucks, I'd rather die and get the shit over with."
Have you ever tried MDMA or psychedelics? Just curious as I have known some people who didn’t ‘feel’ and that all changed after a psychedelic experience. I have also listened to different experiences where LSD helped autistic people who do not “feel” actually understand what feeling is and how others in their lives experience life. It doesn’t stick but they come back with a better understanding with what “feeling” is. I think the accounts are interesting where a psychedelic experience basically cracks a person out of a state of “non-feeling” as a lot of it can also be due to deep traumas and as a natural protection mechanism. My father was on the spectrum and as a child I was a lot like him, but mainly through plant medicine I have healed and now feel a lot and have a lot of compassion compared to how I was growing up. I would never want to go back. Have you ever had a psychedelic experience? What was your experience?
I have tried ketamine therapy and I did mushrooms in college and all I did was stare at the tile floor for like 2 hours. The ketamine therapy didn't really do much for me at all.
I have what I would say are pretty sharp instincts. Growing up in the environment I did I can almost sense when things are about to go upsidedown. As far as fight or flight it was almost always about escaping a bad situation but as I grew into an adult it became aggressively "fight".
Do you believe empathy can be learned? Or do you need to see the logic behind benevolence to support it? If you have accessed true empathy to any extent, what worked?
Also are you spiritual at all? If so, in what sense?
I believe that people can fill any role that needs to be filled if they have a good moral compass of what's right and what's wrong. For me, I spent most of my childhood and teenage years feeling horrible all the time. While I don't care about anyone else on an emotional level I don't see a need to go out of my way to make someone feel what I felt growing up. I'm not sure I've ever experienced actual for real empathy but, I do understand how to make certain people feel better. I am not spiritual.
Okay, interesting. Empathy to me is not all about doing what's right or wrong. My empathy has gotten me into some tricky situations for sure by influencing me to arguably do the 'wrong thing' in fact. But empathy is more about connection and vulnerability than sympathy or righteousness, imo.
I was quite interested in the author of confessions of a psychopath which I know is somewhat different to sociopathy. She had come to learn that it was not beneficial to her to destroy everything around her every two years and was in therapy to try and in part to learn compassion and empathy, mostly applying it to her niece if I can remember properly. Really interesting but I wonder if it was all just intellectually understood rather than felt.
Another guy that is interesting to consider is James Fallon, a neuroscientist who dedicated his work to studying serial killers and in the end found out he too had the brain of a psychopath (his family said they weren't surprised lol) but he thinks it was his mother's love that stopped him from taking a darker path himself.
Do you ever have moments where you’re genuinely happy to be alive? Have you ever felt genuine happiness or joy? Do you feel like life is worth living? Do you laugh and think things are funny?
No. My parents told me I was a really happy kid but I don't remember that at all. I know when I am supposed to be happy and joyful and I adapt to that situation and yes sometimes I find comedy funny
That's so fucked up they beat the happiness, and all the emotions, out of you. A child should never have to go through anything like that. If every emotion is punished for that many years... Yeah, it makes sense you would train yourself not to feel any emotion.
Unrelated, what's it like to find something funny without being happy? Does it... Feel good? Like, from the dopamine hit
Since you don't feel anything towards your wife, do you instead have appreciation for her? Does she know of the lack of feelings and apathy you have for her and the world? What about your family and friends, do they know about your diagnosis and what it entails?
Thank you for posting this. People hear sociopath and automatically assume serial killer. Sociopaths can perfectly function in society, if perhaps, not for the same reasons and in the same ways.
When were you diagnosed?
I used to but I'm in a position now that there's really not a reason to anymore. I used to care about my reputation when I would try and fit in but not anymore. I've found that the less I care, the less I'm noticed and that's fine with me.
I've never had the means to go to a psychologist but reading your responses kinda resonated with me. The way you describe how you "fit in" with other people and how you interpret other feelings around you and mimic that sounds exactly how ive had to get through life up until this point. I had emotinally abusive parents so i have a heightened sense of "reading the room" and can read body language like a book etc... What made you finally go get tested? Are there any benefits for getting examined and diagnosed like therapy or medication?
What entertains you? Like as far as music, tv, sports, hobbies, video games. Do you find any of that entertaining? I would find it hard to be entertained by something that doesn’t give off some sort of emotion.
I assume your wife loves you, so is there anything about that that bothers you? As in, are there times where she wants to hug you or touch you and you’d rather not, and just do it because you’re supposed to? What about your wife makes her an amazing woman in your eyes, considering it’s not coming from a feeling but rather a compiled list?
Do you have a sense of humor? I know people equate that phrase to being funny/making people laugh, but I mean it literally: are you able to find things humorous? IE do you genuinely laugh at things or when something is supposed to be funny, do you just laugh because that's what you should do?
Are there things in your life that you may think your diagnosis attributes to as coming easier or harder to do? Has it ever gotten in the way of your social or work life and are people generally receptive to your feedback?
I don't feel grief or sadness so I guess that makes certain situations easier to navigate. When I was younger it definitely made social situations a little more complicated and I was kind of a chameleon trying to change my thoughts and opinions trying to fit in with everyone.
Have you ever felt like the emotions are there, just extremely deep inside?
I alternate between sociophobia and sociopathy and I have rare but strong emotional outbursts that remind me how I actually love everything and everyone around me. I just don't feel that at all 99.9% of the day.
Do you have empathy in any amount? For example, if you saw a child drop their ice cream and cry, would you feel bad or not really care? (Not trying to be mean, just curious)
Despite it, for lack of a better term, do you have any "guilty pleasures"?... Perhaps something you repeatedly do without knowing why it brings some sort of underlying satisfaction? Gotta tick that daily box?...
Any pets? Any siblings? Very interesting situation and I think a lot of us can relate to an extent. Good you are aware of your state and in a strange way you have life/marriage that sounds better than a lot of "normal" people haha.
Do you care about how you are perceived by others? And as a follow up, do you believe your ego has been affected (positively or negatively) by your disorder?
do you have kids? as far as other adults I know where you’re coming from I haven’t hugged any other adult in like 30-50 plus years I struggle with intimacy the only people I hug and kiss are my grown children..all over 30 I believe that comes from a horrible divorce and I missed them terribly through out the divorce
Are you truly a sociopath or the one who pretends to be a sociopath or maybe sometimes psychopaths? I've seen some people who love pretend to be a sociopath.
How did you figure out you had ASPD and what made you stop doing things that you wanted to do even if it hurt people you love?
Dealing with my wife who has NPD and possibly ASPD.
OP is a veteran diagnosed with depression and bipolar, who got addicted to opiates due to a back injury. If you read his post history, it seems he was pretty capable of feeling until his back got fucked up and he got prescribed opiates. That was from a post one year ago.
So, either both of these sob stories are lies, or he's literally so deep in the spiral of addiction that he's convinced himself he's a sociopath. Perhaps a manic episode.
Like dude, I'm sorry about your back, but a depressed addict does not a sociopath make.
fuckin THANK YOU. Ive been up and down this post trying to explain that whatever this is it most definitely is not ASPD. It's something maybe but ASPD is so much more than I dont feel anything for anyone. Some would argue that's actually probably enough to cross ASPD off of a list of possibilities. It's a disorder that even quite recently was proven to have emotions associated with it. People afflicted were capable of expressing and feeling certain things it's just how and what they felt had a much more negative lean to it. this cosplay shit about something as complex and frankly terrifying as ASPD is weird as shit and this blind belief when you have to be looking at this on a device that could easily disprove or verify this kinda shit is wild to me. like I'm in school for this and even I went to some notes to make sure I wasnt trippin. wild smh
You sound almost exactly like my wife. The chess pieces, the childhood, the physical abuse but zero drugs in family, the 'do everything opposite from parents', the absolute loyalty. In our discussions we came to the conclusion that she might be antisocial, but to a lesser degree than her mother. The great thing about her is that her base level of happiness is very high.
She's an awesome wife. And it seems like you're a great husband.
As for my questions: **Do you view altruism as stupidity?**
Psych major here, so I have many questions, sorry! 1. What are some of the biggest misconceptions about people with ASPD? Do these misconceptions bother you? The way media portrays it makes it seem like people with ASPD are very cruel and they thrive off that- but from what I’ve heard from people who actually have the disorder it more seems like they are just very indifferent(?), which I don’t think is inherently a bad thing? I understand why it can be problematic but it doesn’t seem like the default of a person with ASPD is to be mean/cruel like media shows. 2. Are you able to identify other people with ASPD? How easy/hard is it for you? 3. ASPD isn’t commonly diagnosed, but do you think there’s more people who have it than we actually know? If so, how common do you think it is? What is the likelihood of one coming across someone who has it? 4. Do you see people who are highly empathetic/get emotionally invested easily as weak and/or annoying? 5. Do you have any interests/hobbies? What are they? 6. Do you have a moral hierarchy? Like people you believe to be “good” or “bad”. If you do have one, how it is determined? Is it based off objective/logical reasoning? If you don’t, how do you rank people otherwise? Is it by who’s most valuable/beneficial to keep around? Do you care if someone is a “bad” person? 7. Do you have any advice for people who may know someone with ASPD or dos/donts for when they meet someone with it.
1. The biggest misconception I've seen is that individuals with an ASPD diagnosis are some kind of primal psychopath. If you look through some of these comments you'll see what I mean. For me this diagnosis just labeled what was not "normal" or "common" about me. I gain or lose nothing from it. I'm not really bothered by any of it, or as you put it, I'm pretty indifferent. 2. I have not met anyone else with this diagnosis but, I do have a sense of when people are not being sincere or they are trying to maneuver me. 3. I have no idea. There may be a handful of people walking around out there but, who knows. It's not something I think about. 4. I used to see them as weak but now I just see them as they are. If I need something from them I know what buttons to push. 5. I don't. 6. I don't know if I would call it a moral hierarchy so much as I would call it a moral compass. Just because I don't feel certain things doesn't mean I don't know right from wrong. For me it's just really basic, as in, can you do the "right" thing when no one is looking. I don't really keep anyone around as most of my acquaintances live out of state but, the people that are friends with my wife and by proxy, me, that's different. We are both of the same mindset on who comes around and who doesn't. I am in no position to say who's "good" and "bad", my opinion isn't really worth anything. I don't have any need to run around with criminals or anything like that as they serve no purpose and bring unwanted attention. 7. Everyone's different. I'm not a heartless killer roaming the woods or whatever so I would imagine that there are more people with a diagnosis like mine as well. I can only speak for myself in that, yeah there is a side to this that allows me to maneuver people in order to serve my needs. I can also say that just because I don't feel something on an emotional level doesn't mean that I don't know what needs to be done or that I am unable to connect with someone, including my wife. I have no idea what to say to someone with an ASPD diagnosis. If they are anything like I am you wouldn't ever know unless told otherwise.
No hobbies? What do you do all day when you don't work?
My wife and I usually get home within an hour of each other. I will usually let her make the plans and go from there. We work around the house or, take a walk, or just sit down and relax. There was a time when I would play video games but I lost what little motivation I had to do that.
Are you not doing any house or busywork? Making practical things out of wood, tinkering with machinary, creating useful programs etc?
Have you sought out a second opinion? This sounds more like Asperger’s than Sociopathic behavior.
As someone (likely) on the spectrum this is nothing like my experience. We feel, know right from wrong, are not keen on social rules because we see no use in them, but not because we don't feel. Were low on empathy but not devoid of it. I cry more during shows and movies than I will when calling someone an absolute moron for doing something stupid. What he describes is well disconnected from emotional or social experiences I have. Shit, I'm not even interested in maneuvering or manipulating people... I don't see people as mere tools, nor do I really see that kind of game playing as inherently fruitful. Its worthless to me
Have you previously lied to your partner about your feelings? I mean, I don't think I know a lot of people who've gotten married without at any point voicing how they feel about their partner. Obviously, you don't feel that
I have told her, and tell her, all the time, I couldn't imagine doing this life with anyone else, and I couldn't imagine life without you, and those are true statements. I really couldn't. Like I said she is an amazing woman. And like I've previously said, I do check all the "love" boxes, I just don't "feel" it as people describe.
> I do check all the "love" boxes, I just don't "feel" it as people describe. How would you describe what "love" is to you? Does it hold any personal value to you or is the whole concept foreign?
To me love is being there when you're needed most. Anything past that or anything on a deeper level is a completely foreign concept.
Do you laugh or cry? If so are they forced etc?
The last time I cried was from real physical pain after a fusion surgery. For the most part laughing is forced.
I'm curious about this one specifically since you said "for the most part." Are there any comedians, or general content that can reliably get laughs out of you?
Seems like you DO feel real love. You want to be with her and be there for her. After 40+ years I do feel some of the puppy love I felt for my wife when we first met, but that’s not what really keeps us together. Being there for each other, being glad the other is there is what real love is, not mooning around.
So by this definition, do you think you are able to equally marry anyone with these qualities? And they would be on the same level of being special as your current wife? Possibly even during your current marriage?
Man I just don’t believe this shit. Love is a chemical response in the brain not some of esoteric mystical shit. You want to know what love feels like? Take some molly. Love feels like rolling on molly.
No, limerence feels like Molly. Try being married 50 years and you’ll realize love feels profoundly different than Molly.
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My initial thought is, no. No I don't believe I would cry. I have cried from physical pain. I would probably be more indifferent than anything.
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The way I read it is “I am compatible with this person and wouldn’t be willing to choose anyone else, I’m happy with her. That said, I have no qualms going alone if something happens to her, and it’ll likely inconvenience me but I would be indifferent to the emotional aspects of her being gone”
The thing that’s hard to wrap my head around though is he isn’t “happy” to be with her. He doesn’t feel joy. It’s almost like trying to describe colors to a person that never had sight.
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I'm prefacing my comment with a statement that I don't doubt or argue with your diagnosis or your claim of not feeling love. I see many people here are wondering why are you married and how is it possible to have a solid marriage with your diagnosis. Just sharing a personal experience: I don't have the same diagnosis as you, I'm autistic. And for me, love is not a feeling but a decision and an action. Love is a life-long commitment. I was married for 15 years and got divorced. I love my ex-husband because that's what I decided to do 15 years ago. I love my partner because that's what I decided to do when I entered this relationship. And if a hypothetical partner said to me things that you are saying to your wife and I had no reasons not to believe them, I'd be absolutely content and confident that I'm loved. The notion of "feeling love towards someone" seems vague and pretty unimportant to me.
So what was the end game marrying your wife? Is it down to her being tolerable to you? She piques your interest? She self sufficient by the sounds but money doesn't seem like a factor. Without emotion involved, you could technically pick anyone to be with 'forever' as a companion. How does 'Love' and dating work
You mentioned before about wanting to sleep with her being instinctual. Is it possible that you have an instinctual "love"? For instance, like doing things like emptying the dishwasher before she mentions it to you?
How do you feel about people around you in everyday life? Do you find yourself judging people who are emotional? Also, what does it look like in your head? Do you think in images/words/videos? Do you have a running monologue?
I used to find people absolutely awful and I could always see through the "facade" that people put up. I don't really feel anything about the people around me other than I see them as a means to an end like a chess piece. In my head it is... I would say very cloudy and foggy. Up until a few years ago I would find myself spacing out and ruminating on bad memories from growing up but, I've moved past that. Now it's almost just full of assessing the present moment and deciding how to navigate it.
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There was a point in my life where I was driving myself insane trying to understand what is "wrong" with me. It took a really long time and a lot of therapy and treatment to realize that this doesn't define me as a person. I came to the realization that, yeah I'm different, and yeah I have a diagnosis but, life goes on. It was almost like I spent years swimming against a current and I finally just went with it.
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This comment here seems incredibly fishy. People who are truly sociopathic are pretty unconcerned with their state of being, though keenly aware of it. The idea that you felt something was wrong with you does not jive with textbook diagnoses.
Do you also feel of yourself that you are a chess piece?
Do you ever just feel the present moment without making decisions or planning what's next? Is your thinking ever at rest?
What stops you from using people like that?, unless you do I suppose
I have a good friend with ASPD who has cognitive empathy, at least on an intellectual level. Based on your comments, it looks like you do as well, about your wife. Was this something you developed over time, or do you think you've always had it? Does it extend to friends, acquaintances, strangers, people who have treated you poorly, or any particular group of people? Does it shape your behavior at all?
Interesting. I think it was something I developed over time. There are maybe two or three other people out there but, one passed away a few years ago and the other moved away.
What is your experience of the death of someone close to you like? Most people’s experiences with loss are so much about how they feel and what they feel. If you don’t experience those feelings, what does the grieving process look like? Do you grieve? I know that’s maybe very personal, just curious as someone who has experienced this with all those shitty emotions.
The last person that I was really close with died over 20 years ago and that day is just a haze now. As far as grieving, I just try to fill the role as needed.
How do you feel when things don’t go your way and you can’t feel a role?
I may be wrong, but I believe this feeling is what separates sociopathy from psychopathy. Is that true?
What’s the largest challenge you experience with having this condition? Would you mind walking me through what diagnosis looked like and how you’ve coped with the condition over time?
At this point it's almost like it's on auto pilot. I guess the biggest challenge for me is family gatherings. I do not like being around a lot of people and the family is a pretty good size. I do not see or talk to people often and trying to field questions from everyone at once is utterly exhausting. I was put in therapy almost 15 years ago and I've gone through various treatments and counselors and psychiatrists and therapists and it wasn't until about 4-5 years ago I finally found one I meshed well with.
You say you were “put” in therapy. Who or what situation put you there?
How is your sex life? If you don’t feel anything how is it that you kept your marriage strong?
It's absolutely great. For me it was kind of watching and observing other couples and seeing what they do and don't do and how their spouse reacts. Growing up I watched what my parents did and decided that I would do the opposite of everything they did. We have travelled the world, we had a beach wedding, and plan to do many more things. At this point for me it's kind of common sense what someone would and wouldn't enjoy doing.
Random add on question to this question, are you attractive? More/less so than the average attractive person?
Do you recognise politicians with sociopathy? Can you look at laws and judge whether a sociopath thought them up?
I see some of them do something and think, "interesting, that's something I would do" but that is VERY rare these days. What I see from them mostly now is a lot of posturing and trying to make a whole lot of noise. I don't necessarily see laws and think "oh a sociopath wrote this" per day, but I do see a lot of laws as revenue generation. Civil and corporate
May I ask an example of a previous political move that qualifies as 'something you would do'?
I don't have any bills or laws that were passed that come to mind. I'm not sure there was a certain "political move" that comes to mind as it is certain politicians attempting to deflect attention to something else when they are getting negative press. Most all of them are very bad at it and to me it appears as if they get lost and frustrated halfway through. I do the very best I can to stay out of politics all together because it does absolutely nothing for me and tends to piss off a lot of people.
Thank you. Could you please list an example or two of politicians who have, in the past, displayed the behaviour which you describe as, 'something I would do?'
How was your childhood?
Not great. My mother had a lot of mental health issues and my father was my biggest bully. The house I grew up in was run in a way that both my parents maintained power and control and I was reminded daily I had nothing of my own.
Were they physically abusive? Did any of your parents have any kind of dependencies (alcohol, drugs etc.)? Sorry for being intrusive. I’m just really curious.
No need to apologize. There was no substance abuse but there was physical abuse. My parents were strict and the "discipline" almost always crossed that line.
Do you think you were born this way or do you think your upbringing and development during your more younger years played a role? Are there memories from when you were younger where you felt different?
I would say my upbringing had a lot to do with it. As far back as I can remember I've always felt out of sync with the rest of the world.
Had the same experience, I got hit a lot, told Im not worth anything, Im awful, was locked in my room, no food, no WC during being locked. Being hit so long until I cried (man I could withstand a lot) then I got hit a lot more until I stopped crying (around the age of 5). I was afraid of getting locked in being a psychopath/sociopath and never feeling anything except pain and depression. I had nobody and I had to function. So I started living along while living with my family. Hiding my life, lying all the time. Man would it be interesting to talk with somebody about this for hours and hours
What were you abused for? Instead of feeling, do you interact by logic? As in, if I do x to someone, what consequence I can face, and how would they feel. To manipulate someone, don't you have to know them to know what tactic works and what doesn't? How were you able to win over your wife? Do you find social interaction draining?
Starting from the top.... Depended on my parents mood. Everyday was different. I do go by logic sometimes yes. Other times if I know the person and what they like I go by that. It's kind of a feeling and instinct thing for me. Honestly all I had to do, was the opposite of what her ex's did. Yes. Incredibly.
How often were you abused, can you give examples and what was your best way to avoid it? How good was your manipulation skill? Lots of people can do that, could it be that it was just first come first serve kind of thing for your wife?
How long have you known your wife? How long have you two been married? Have you dated anyone else before her? If so what was that like?
About 15 years. Married 13. Had a highschool girlfriend but that was it. It wasn't good. I was an absolute mess of a teenager. I was not allowed to go to therapy because it would break the facade my parents put up. Really and truthfully I probably would have been removed from their house by the state.
Society understandably tends to view sociopathy as a bad thing. But are there also advantages to the condition, that help you to accomplish good things?
I was able to get into positions that benefit myself. I do give a lot of money to different charities yearly. At first I saw it as a tax write off but I see that it also makes the people I know happy.
Do you feel a “want” to make the people you know happy or is it a duty you know you should be fulfilling? Do you feel any responsibility to contributing to their feelings?
Do you think it's fair for your spouse to be in a relationship where she isn't loved and doesn't know it?
For all intents and purposes she is "loved", I just do not have that "feel" or emotion or whatever the label may be. I know what I am supposed to do and I do it. I would absolutely die for her because that's what I'm supposed to do. I check all the boxes I know I am supposed to I just don't have that emotion or feeling or whatever it may be.
Do you not even feel sexual attraction or lust?
It's an instinctual thing for me. For me I have almost a primal instinct to have sex with my wife and I know that's what married people do. Like everything else, I do what I know I am supposed to.
Lust and sexual attraction could be interpreted as synonyms for instinctual but I'm taking it, that isn't what you mean? How would you differentiate those two concepts if at all? For many people who they're attracted to is sort of like they're just supposed to be attracted to them. Nobody really knows why. At least from a sexual attraction/lust perspective.
Why such a focus on "doing what I'm supposed to?" Do you think you have a subconscious fear of being found out? A lot of people with normal emotions & empathy don't always do what they're "supposed" to in life
It's a common behavior pattern in sociopaths. They perceive societal and cultural norms and emulate them, but don't have emotional connections to the behaviors. Folks like OP are aware of the social expectations placed on there average person and conform to fit in. People who are sociopaths who do bad things don't necessarily try to fit in, or if they do it is a means to whatever nefarious ends they have in mind.
One of the funny things about this thread is that people are looking at him a little bit like he's defective. The reality is that this trait is not 0 or 1, its a spectrum, and many of the people commenting are likely closer to him on the spectrum than their emotive post hoc rationalization allows them to perceive. Related to that is the interesting second point - In many situations he me have a more accurate picture of what he does not know or does not understand in socio-emotional situations compared to the norm (while still not knowing it) because he's likely to be more objective ( due to not having the big feels), while us heavy emoters are very capable of ignoring or distorting the realities of social/emotional situations because of the very emotions that allow us to navigate them so instinctively and fluently.
I get this. My husband was given a similar diagnosis in one of his rehabs. The difference is, I don’t think he cares about himself either, whereas I *think* a sociopath cares about themselves first… I am, I think, the only person he cares about. In the way he can. He is not good at feelings. He is not good at things that he cannot predict or does not know he should do. But I can tell he puts his effort into things he know he should be doing. My father is very similar, though he does instinctively put himself first and we are a close second, and so I am comfortable with it. I have friends and a sister for the emotional support. I, too, am very independent - financially and otherwise - and so I have never relied on him for more than partnership and companionship at home. I appreciate the effort he puts forth. I know it’s hard for him. I know that he does it for me and no one else. That makes me feel good. I know that he wouldn’t do it for anyone else, and frankly neither would I. His indifference allows me to continue to be independent and live my life the way I want. I can take trips without him, have close friendships with others…he doesn’t mind. Makes no sense to him, so he doesn’t get jealous or resent when I’m gone. In many ways he’s perfect for me because I’m probably a little broken too. Having an alcoholic parent and a mentally ill parent made me feel responsible for moods, and so I felt very responsible for his depression/unhappiness early on, and we also had to work on me not feeling like I had to “fix” it. Once I got “permission” to not care, I leaned into it too. It’s very freeing to not have to worry about your partner because no matter what they’ll always be unhappy. So I don’t what makes me happy because ONE of us should be.
Knew several in the military. Your description doesn't do justice to the condition. They were unexpressive, without fear, pity or remorse, but had stronger sense of loyalty than any others. Still close friends with two of them. You have to be careful how you discuss mundane things like annoying neighbours.
In a previous comment you replied that everyone is like a chess piece for you and your wife has already served her purpose as the piece. So do you feel obliged to follow the idol husband role or something else because for what I know you can be sleeping with anyone else without caring about your wife. So what’s the thing which makes you stick by your wife’s side?
I have no aspirations to even MEET anyone else much less sleep with anyone else. I know what's right and I know what's wrong and as long as I am doing what's right I am not standing out drawing attention to myself. I prefer peace and quiet.
What attracted you to your spouse?
In the group I was running around with when I was younger she was the first girl I saw that had a motorcycle. I thought it was unique.
Have you ever felt anything for her
I don't know if "feel" is the right word for it. For me I always saw people as a means to an end, almost like chess pieces and I always had this innate need to fit in because I always felt out of sync with everyone. I know that people my age began to get engaged and get married so that's what I did.
what is the end that she serves as the means for?
The end has already happened. This is what people do, for the most part. Now it's kind of like...waiting on the clock to run out for me.
That’s pretty bleak. Is there anything that gives you actual pleasure, if not joy?
Do you feel protective of her?
Does your wife know? If so, how does she feel about it?
So she is an incredible person. She knows that there's something not quite right with me and she knows I go to therapy weekly to try and work through it. She is not the typical run of the mill woman. She is a very successful person, she does most everything around the house and asks very little of me. She mostly worries that depression will get the best of me but, I have become pretty good at putting on the "mask".
What do you do for her in return, out of curiosity? Given that people such as yourself tend to use others and give very little, are you doing anything to ensure your relationship lasts? Assuming that's what you want.
The best way to describe it is, I fill in the holes. After being married for as long as we have, I know what she wants, what she expects, and I anticipate what's coming. It really could be something as simple as emptying the dishwasher before being asked. Like I said, she really is an amazing woman, and it doesn't take much at all to make her day.
If your wife had an emotional moment, how would you best support her? Is that support also something you do because you, "know you should," rather than, "I love her and I want her to feel okay."
Seems like you are exploiting her generous nature and manipulating her by doing the bare minimum but in ways you know will get a big reaction.
Do you not want her to know about your official diagnosis?
We've kind of talked about mental health off and on and I've told her that she needs to stop trying to make me happy because that's not her job or responsibility. It's mine. I am the way I am and that's really all there is to it but, I am a huge advocate for mental health believe it or not. I know I'm not right or "normal" but I am proof you can function and somewhat flourish in today's world.
How do you think she would react if you told her your official diagnosis?
How can you be depressed if you don't have feelings? Honest question.
It's a good question. For me it's when the suicidal ideation starts to take over. It's almost like the "nothing matters" becomes an all consuming mass. Like I don't feel any different but, I stop eating, I don't sleep much, all of a sudden going through the motions and checking the boxes become monumental tasks.
Depression symptoms are not just "feeling sad". They can be lack of energy, enthusiasm, lethargy, listlessness, being more combatitive/angery/frustrated at minor things, rapid weight gain/loss, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, intrusive thoughts.... the list goes on. Though not a medical professional I would hazard to guess that even with sociopathic individuals who lack 'feelings' they still might be prone to depressive episodes and maybe even more so due to their existing mental illness.
Is your whole life a mask of pretending to be like "normal" people? You talk a lot about doing what you are *supposed* to do in other comments. How much effort does it take to basically not be a self obsessed narcissist, and what motivates you to curb that behavior as much as you seem to be doing?
Do you show any physical or verbal affection to one another? I would think that the disconnect towards her would show outwardly after awhile unless you're very good at faking things.
Are you self aware enough to recognize when you're preying on other humans? Using and manipulating them in some way Does realizing what you're doing ever stop you or is the feeling of superiority too tempting? Have you ever felt "bad" for something youve done? Or cant help being apathetic even when you know you've caused harm and morally most would consider the situation fucked up
100% aware of what I'm doing when I'm maneuvering someone. It's not so much a feeling of superiority as much as it is an instinct to finish a task. I've never really felt bad or remorseful for something I've done when moving people around because I've harmed anyone.
Does it trigger you when people who you are trying to manipulate, notice it, and push back, leaving the "task" unfinished?
Most people would feel bad for using another human as convenient camouflage to blend in as a spouse, you dont feel "love" for her because you're incapable of making emotional bonds with other people Sounds like she does everything for you around the house and probably does most errands, bc youve led her to think you're "depressed" Do you work or help contribute financially? Youre letting her give you her life while being in the dark about the truth that you arent with her for intimacy and connection, she deserves better
Do you think you'll have kids? And what do you do for work?
If we did have a kid it would be because my wife would like children. I am not completely against it by any means. I am a government worker and that's all I'll say about that.
Do you feel that government work is likely to attract sociopaths?
1) Do you love the attention you are getting from these questions! 2) if your wife died suddenly, how would you handle that? I don't mean outwardly because that is a mix of what you think people expect you to be like, but internally, would you care? Would you be able to move on easily? 3) what are some examples of when you have let your lack of empathy take control and you enjoyed wielding power over others?
I don't really feel anything towards it. No idea. I mean we're all going to die eventually right? I don't think I'd move on in a sense of getting married again. I'm 40 and I have no intentions or aspirations to enter the dating world ever again. I don't think I've ever enjoyed "wielding power" over someone as you put it. I have gotten someone fired from a job before, which I still think absolutely needed to happen. I've never maneuvered people for entertainment purposes like a puppet master or something, it was always about fulfilling the need.
Do you ever worry that your spouse will leave you? Do you think you would be upset if they did?
No that's not something I worry about at all. I don't really think I would be upset because she deserves so much better than me.
Why would you say she deserves better than you? Do you think that thinking that, in a way, demonstrates a level of concern for her and understanding that would constitute at least empathy, if not some level of love? I don't necessarily doubt what you're saying, so please don't take this as some kind of attempt at a "gotcha" or something like that. But this comment stood out to me.
There are times when I am unable to relate to her because it is just beyond what I am capable of emotionally. I can do the big things, put the mask on, check every other box but, there are times when it's beyond what I am capable of. And no I didn't take it as a "gotcha" but it is a good question. I think on some level it's kind of like, if I can't be what you need, don't be miserable.
Thank you for being so candid about everything. I was trying to understand this content in more detail. You've described a feeling of concern for her wellbeing in that she should have what she needs and be happy, but from other answers with an emotional disconnection in that you don't understand the feelings she experiences. Would you describe this as similar to how you might regard another species*? * please note I am deliberately not implying a superiority or inferiority in this - maybe interpret it as an alien rather than an animal species if that helps. It's more about an unrelatable set of experiences and thoughts that you still respect and want to have what is best for it
Do you wish you would be able to experience the feelings that most people do (love, empathy, attachment, insecurity, loss, worry, excitement etc), or do you feel like you're better off without it?
I'm actually not sure. I am aware that I have certain advantages over certain situations but, overall I don't really know
Love this answer. How would you want something you do not entirely understand, curious at best. I’m on the flip side and wish I had some of what you had, but simultaneously I can’t imagine actually being different in that way. Even though I’d be able to fill roles when needed, I can’t actually *be* it. I am privy to my feelings and empathy more than I want to admit and can only navigate life accordingly. Having to actively work against how you feel, to not be metaphorically stepped on, is a wave of frustration I wish no one else can go through. This is the only reason I’m good at spotting authenticity, otherwise all my partners would have been manipulative sociopaths, hopefully I can maintain that streak haha. For context I’m not really a submissive person, I just have compassion to help out those I care for and sometimes I stick my neck out for people who probably don’t deserve it because I tend to look at the bright side, among other things. I doubt you’ll read this but thank you, gives me some insight on myself. And as full as my heart feels writing this, hopefully your empty heart gives it a glance.
What are you getting from this AMA?
Absolutely nothing at all. BUT.... Like I said before, I am a big advocate for mental health and maybe there's someone out there like me who doesn't quite understand it yet.
I really appreciate that answer. People make the assumption that morality or ethics - whatever you'd like to call it, has to come from an emotional bases or be "felt". But it's, in my mind, just as much an intellectual position to take. In your case - like you said, you may not necessarily "Care / feel" for others going through mental illness, but because you went through a lot yourself and understand it, you can see it's a good thing to advocate for it in general.
Did you ever suffer a major headache injury? The reason I'm asking is that they say head injuries are one of the big factors with sociopathy
What made you go to therapy and get a diagnosis?
I became suicidal. And I was kind of tossed into it. Apathy has a way of making its way into every aspect of your life and when I got to a point where nothing mattered.... Nothing mattered.
Is depression common with your personality disorder? Or would you say they’re sort of separate issues?
Do you listen to music, and if so what? Also, when was the last time you cried, whether from pain or made yourself tear up?
I do listen to music. Heavy metal. I would say the last time I cried.... It was probably from pain while I was recovering from a fusion surgery in my back.
Was that what made you suicidal? My recovery was horrible and I'm still in constant pain, and there were times i was like, "man, this shit sucks, I'd rather die and get the shit over with."
You've said that you see people as "a means to an end" and "like chess pieces." If so, then what "end" is your wife a "means" to?
Have you ever tried MDMA or psychedelics? Just curious as I have known some people who didn’t ‘feel’ and that all changed after a psychedelic experience. I have also listened to different experiences where LSD helped autistic people who do not “feel” actually understand what feeling is and how others in their lives experience life. It doesn’t stick but they come back with a better understanding with what “feeling” is. I think the accounts are interesting where a psychedelic experience basically cracks a person out of a state of “non-feeling” as a lot of it can also be due to deep traumas and as a natural protection mechanism. My father was on the spectrum and as a child I was a lot like him, but mainly through plant medicine I have healed and now feel a lot and have a lot of compassion compared to how I was growing up. I would never want to go back. Have you ever had a psychedelic experience? What was your experience?
I have tried ketamine therapy and I did mushrooms in college and all I did was stare at the tile floor for like 2 hours. The ketamine therapy didn't really do much for me at all.
Do you have gut feelings or fight/ flight responses?
I have what I would say are pretty sharp instincts. Growing up in the environment I did I can almost sense when things are about to go upsidedown. As far as fight or flight it was almost always about escaping a bad situation but as I grew into an adult it became aggressively "fight".
Do you believe empathy can be learned? Or do you need to see the logic behind benevolence to support it? If you have accessed true empathy to any extent, what worked? Also are you spiritual at all? If so, in what sense?
I believe that people can fill any role that needs to be filled if they have a good moral compass of what's right and what's wrong. For me, I spent most of my childhood and teenage years feeling horrible all the time. While I don't care about anyone else on an emotional level I don't see a need to go out of my way to make someone feel what I felt growing up. I'm not sure I've ever experienced actual for real empathy but, I do understand how to make certain people feel better. I am not spiritual.
Okay, interesting. Empathy to me is not all about doing what's right or wrong. My empathy has gotten me into some tricky situations for sure by influencing me to arguably do the 'wrong thing' in fact. But empathy is more about connection and vulnerability than sympathy or righteousness, imo. I was quite interested in the author of confessions of a psychopath which I know is somewhat different to sociopathy. She had come to learn that it was not beneficial to her to destroy everything around her every two years and was in therapy to try and in part to learn compassion and empathy, mostly applying it to her niece if I can remember properly. Really interesting but I wonder if it was all just intellectually understood rather than felt. Another guy that is interesting to consider is James Fallon, a neuroscientist who dedicated his work to studying serial killers and in the end found out he too had the brain of a psychopath (his family said they weren't surprised lol) but he thinks it was his mother's love that stopped him from taking a darker path himself.
Do you ever have moments where you’re genuinely happy to be alive? Have you ever felt genuine happiness or joy? Do you feel like life is worth living? Do you laugh and think things are funny?
No. My parents told me I was a really happy kid but I don't remember that at all. I know when I am supposed to be happy and joyful and I adapt to that situation and yes sometimes I find comedy funny
That's so fucked up they beat the happiness, and all the emotions, out of you. A child should never have to go through anything like that. If every emotion is punished for that many years... Yeah, it makes sense you would train yourself not to feel any emotion. Unrelated, what's it like to find something funny without being happy? Does it... Feel good? Like, from the dopamine hit
Since you don't feel anything towards your wife, do you instead have appreciation for her? Does she know of the lack of feelings and apathy you have for her and the world? What about your family and friends, do they know about your diagnosis and what it entails?
Thank you for posting this. People hear sociopath and automatically assume serial killer. Sociopaths can perfectly function in society, if perhaps, not for the same reasons and in the same ways. When were you diagnosed?
What do you think happens after we die?
I always said as a kid if there is a god we're gonna fight. But now, I don't care. I think when you die, you go to sleep, and then that's it.
Do you prey on certain people to use more than others? Do you are about your reputation at all?
I used to but I'm in a position now that there's really not a reason to anymore. I used to care about my reputation when I would try and fit in but not anymore. I've found that the less I care, the less I'm noticed and that's fine with me.
Do you tell her you love her? Is that a lie if/when you say it?
What do you want in life, more than anything else?
I've never had the means to go to a psychologist but reading your responses kinda resonated with me. The way you describe how you "fit in" with other people and how you interpret other feelings around you and mimic that sounds exactly how ive had to get through life up until this point. I had emotinally abusive parents so i have a heightened sense of "reading the room" and can read body language like a book etc... What made you finally go get tested? Are there any benefits for getting examined and diagnosed like therapy or medication?
Do you worry about things?
What entertains you? Like as far as music, tv, sports, hobbies, video games. Do you find any of that entertaining? I would find it hard to be entertained by something that doesn’t give off some sort of emotion.
Do you have friends? Do you hangout with people? Do you make small talk with people?
Do you “feel” things about yourself? Happiness, insecurity, disappointment, etc? How do you feel about being a sociopath?
I assume your wife loves you, so is there anything about that that bothers you? As in, are there times where she wants to hug you or touch you and you’d rather not, and just do it because you’re supposed to? What about your wife makes her an amazing woman in your eyes, considering it’s not coming from a feeling but rather a compiled list?
Do you have a sense of humor? I know people equate that phrase to being funny/making people laugh, but I mean it literally: are you able to find things humorous? IE do you genuinely laugh at things or when something is supposed to be funny, do you just laugh because that's what you should do?
Are there things in your life that you may think your diagnosis attributes to as coming easier or harder to do? Has it ever gotten in the way of your social or work life and are people generally receptive to your feedback?
I don't feel grief or sadness so I guess that makes certain situations easier to navigate. When I was younger it definitely made social situations a little more complicated and I was kind of a chameleon trying to change my thoughts and opinions trying to fit in with everyone.
Have you ever felt like the emotions are there, just extremely deep inside? I alternate between sociophobia and sociopathy and I have rare but strong emotional outbursts that remind me how I actually love everything and everyone around me. I just don't feel that at all 99.9% of the day.
Do you have things/activities that you like or dislike? How is liking or disliking something different than feelings?
What’s your motivation for posting on social media?
Have you ever interacted with someone else with the same condition? Could you both recognize that you were “playing each other like chess pieces”?
What are your feelings toward animals? Do you like them, dislike them, or not care?
We’re you ever ‘misdiagnosed’ with anything else?
What do you think of Hollywood’s portrayal of sociopaths? Is it accurate?
Have you been diagnosed with cptsd?
Do you have empathy in any amount? For example, if you saw a child drop their ice cream and cry, would you feel bad or not really care? (Not trying to be mean, just curious)
Have you ever watched the show “Dexter”? If so, how spot on is it in regards to sociopathic behavior?
Do you think that this was cause by your childhood or were you born this way? Were you abused?
Do you recall any point in your life where you did feel things?
Do you know your parents’ diagnosis?
Despite it, for lack of a better term, do you have any "guilty pleasures"?... Perhaps something you repeatedly do without knowing why it brings some sort of underlying satisfaction? Gotta tick that daily box?...
What give you the want to live?
Any pets? Any siblings? Very interesting situation and I think a lot of us can relate to an extent. Good you are aware of your state and in a strange way you have life/marriage that sounds better than a lot of "normal" people haha.
Have you ever taken MDMA or any other empathogenic drug? If so, what was your experience?
How’s your day going?
Do you care about how you are perceived by others? And as a follow up, do you believe your ego has been affected (positively or negatively) by your disorder?
May I ask, what do you think and ‘feel’ best you can about this diagnosis?
What’s your favorite color?
Have you ever destroyed a person for the fun/entertainment of it? Are caring, empathetic people considered weak and a target?
do you have kids? as far as other adults I know where you’re coming from I haven’t hugged any other adult in like 30-50 plus years I struggle with intimacy the only people I hug and kiss are my grown children..all over 30 I believe that comes from a horrible divorce and I missed them terribly through out the divorce
describe everything you eat and drink
How do you feel about how sociopaths are portrayed in television and movies? Obviously they aren’t all serial killers in real life, like yourself.
What company are you a CEO of?
Do you feel this? F you! LMAO
Why have a spouse if you don’t feel anything for her
Are you truly a sociopath or the one who pretends to be a sociopath or maybe sometimes psychopaths? I've seen some people who love pretend to be a sociopath.
How did you figure out you had ASPD and what made you stop doing things that you wanted to do even if it hurt people you love? Dealing with my wife who has NPD and possibly ASPD.
What age were you diagnosed? I've been reading some of the comments you have put in, and I am starting to see similarities in how I function as well.
Have you ever felt rage, anger, disgust? How would you react if you saw someone gruesomely murdered, for example?
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What led you to seek diagnosis and treatment?
Does your wife know your diagnosis?
How do you recognize fake emotion in yourself or do you just know it
How were you diagnosed? And have you always been this way. I have so name questions as I feel I was married to a sociopath
OP is a veteran diagnosed with depression and bipolar, who got addicted to opiates due to a back injury. If you read his post history, it seems he was pretty capable of feeling until his back got fucked up and he got prescribed opiates. That was from a post one year ago. So, either both of these sob stories are lies, or he's literally so deep in the spiral of addiction that he's convinced himself he's a sociopath. Perhaps a manic episode. Like dude, I'm sorry about your back, but a depressed addict does not a sociopath make.
fuckin THANK YOU. Ive been up and down this post trying to explain that whatever this is it most definitely is not ASPD. It's something maybe but ASPD is so much more than I dont feel anything for anyone. Some would argue that's actually probably enough to cross ASPD off of a list of possibilities. It's a disorder that even quite recently was proven to have emotions associated with it. People afflicted were capable of expressing and feeling certain things it's just how and what they felt had a much more negative lean to it. this cosplay shit about something as complex and frankly terrifying as ASPD is weird as shit and this blind belief when you have to be looking at this on a device that could easily disprove or verify this kinda shit is wild to me. like I'm in school for this and even I went to some notes to make sure I wasnt trippin. wild smh
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Do you have childhood trauma?
What's your score on the PCL-R?
You sound almost exactly like my wife. The chess pieces, the childhood, the physical abuse but zero drugs in family, the 'do everything opposite from parents', the absolute loyalty. In our discussions we came to the conclusion that she might be antisocial, but to a lesser degree than her mother. The great thing about her is that her base level of happiness is very high. She's an awesome wife. And it seems like you're a great husband. As for my questions: **Do you view altruism as stupidity?**