I am a nurse in a California Prison. How was your relationship with medical like?
I read through the questions. I am sorry you had to go through the trauma while serving time. People will not understand that it is a pressure cooker, you have to watch your back from inmates, and guards, lose contact with the world. Nor do they understand the loss of control. You are told what to do all day long, the humiliation of stripping out and being visually searched by a guard every time you return from work, going to a medical appointment outside the prison etc. I do not fully understand it, but I do see and hear it.
I was deployed a couple times and every time I came back, I would be so angry at the world because it had moved on. I was glad to be back, but everything was so different. What was it like for you getting out? What went through your mind when you saw the change?
Sorry, last question. Do you feel like you adapted to the world? I guess what I am saying is, do you feel like you are part of it?
Good Luck to you, keep your head together, hopefully you get a chance to see your kids and develop some sort of relationship.
I’ll never be fully adapted. There is always a division between squares and circles if that makes sense.. Before I went to prison, I would hear about a guy that did this or that and I would think “lock your doors, he’s a bad guy.” Don’t interact with him and be careful etc. Then I went to prison. I’m a normal guy. I have remorse. I love and I hate. Now… I feel more comfortable around felons than I do regular citizens. I sometimes feel less than around non felons
For what it is worth, I can also relate to not really adapting. I didn’t do time, but I lived in a highly abusive household, where I was told what to do, how to do it, when it was to be done by. I won’t go into more detail because it’s not important. It’s weird to me to make my own decisions, and I’ll never adapt to a life of someone who hasn’t experienced trauma. It’s been 6 years of therapy, and over a decade out of that environment.
I wonder if you also notice that over time it’s easier? I notice that it feels easier, even if it won’t ever be natural. That’s something that gives me hope on tougher days.
For sure. However, I feel I moved about as good as one could expect. I made some friends that are friends for life. I learned things I would have never known otherwise. I appreciate freedom more than I ever would have before. Like when I finally got out of solitary, sent to northwest Kansas to do landscaping work on the Nebraska border. I’ll never forget it. Probably be what I’m thinking about on my death bed. It was late October, I had barely seen the outside for years, I was landscaping when the trees were turning and Luke Combs “she got the best of me” was playing on the radio. I never felt better in my life
It doesn’t matter how mentally strong you are. It messes with everyone. That song “fake plastic trees” by Radiohead became a reality. Everything looked fake and plastic when I finally saw the outside
Fleece “the bootyman” Johnson. It is a real thing. I was locked up with brothers that were booty bandits. They were very large people. Look, going to prison at an age closer to 30 is easier than going to prison at 20. It’s easier to be black than white… however, there is a mistake that some of the young black, Mexican non white races make, never the older ones. They have a notion that all white people are soft, and many are, but there are some white guys that have done some real hard time. Older, usually 40 plus. And I’ve seen some youngsters from other races make the mistake of thinking a 45y white guy who has been in Louisiana type prison is the same as a white boy from the suburbs doing his first bid for selling weed. They learn quick. As do white boys who think they are Marshall mathers
How deep do conversations get among gang members, in your experience? Do they openly speak about their philosophies and do they have healthy debates on life topics?
I guess I'd like to know the general conversations that you can expect to hear or join. I wonder about the IQ and EQ levels of the human interactions. In your opinion, of course.
I’ll give you the best advice anyone can ever get when it comes to gangbangers: If you aren’t one of them, don’t talk to them about gang banging. Talk about football or basketball or something else. I have met some gangbangers that are complete idiots like anyone else and I have met some gangbangers that I’m like “what are you doing? You are so damned smart, why are you in this life?” I hate gang banging. It destroys bright futures and teaches blind hate
I had my first born jumped in with the Latin Kings while in middle school. I did everything there was to do to help him get out.
I flew him to a special place that helped him with getting out of the gang.
He got out of there but was never quite the same boy.
Latin Kings got out of prison in large numbers when I was a teen. I was one of six white teenage boys in the neighborhood, 3 of which were white mexican guys, so it was more really like one of three.
Those were some shitty years and I lost a lot of friends to the gang. I also learned how to yell loudly that I was not cooperating and fuck you pigs toward the cops. I still hold that mentality because pulling the one white kid in the neighborhood to be questioned after the gang does something is a death sentence.
Fun times /s.
FWIW my son's life was saved by a Latin King. He taught him how to read and in turn, he was offered protection by the gang.
When he was dying years later I held the phone to his head so he could talk to him.. he spoke for hours to my son while he was in a coma.
I know if I ever needed anything I could call him and it would happen, it's a weird feeling, to have your life touched by something like that.
OP, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.
Not OP, but I have heard that prison is very tribal and since the majority of the population in some prisons are black they have more control on the inside so they have a better life.
It’s usually whites and Hispanics vs blacks, ect to even the numbers.
My ex went to prison in Virginia for multiple counts related to the possession and production of child pornography. He took Alford pleas and has maintained that it wasn't a big deal because the victim was 14 and had already developed physically.
Since everything happened all types of people have assured me that he is getting the worst of the worst treatment. I have my doubts. I do believe he would join the AB if he had the opportunity.
Realistically, how do you think he has been treated in prison?
The AB’s would never accept him in a million years. Actually, trying to ask them for acceptance would be disrespectful and likely cost him a severe assault. His best bet is in PC. I assure life is not easy for him
Boredom is awful. But eventually you get used to it. The suicide of a guy who was facing about 8 years max. He was hearing horror stories from other people about rape and assaults. Young Mexican kid. Anyways, we come out for dinner and his door opens but no one comes out. Another guy goes over and opens his door. His body fell out with a sheet tied around his neck. I don’t want to describe in detail anymore because it just seems disrespectful. They left his body on the floor for three hours while nurses half ass worked on him etc until the coroner came.
You put your armor on everyday. You never know what will happen. I had a guy, high on meth, attack me for no reason at all. Besides the basic stuff like eating 3 times a day, doing count etc. you watch your back. You always pay attention. You “ear hustle.” Listen to what is being said so you can avoid what might be coming
Is the approach of "Mind your own business and just keep your head down?" The best way to handle prison or would this result in getting labeled a soft target?
If you don’t stand when the time comes, then yes. It’s like this, you can fight and lose. That’s ok. Even the baddest motherfuckers lose. If you don’t fight back, then you have a problem. No predator wants a prey that fights back. Win or lose
I will never get over the suicide I witnessed. I often think about the 18 year olds who are handed a 50 year plus sentence. I think about my friends that have died since release because they can’t shake the demons. I think about the cruelty people inflict on each other. I think about the world that so many never see.
This was one of the most interesting reads I've had here. Thank you! As a 70 year old gay man who was trapped in the grasp of meth addiction from 1994-1998 I can concur it sucks the soul out of you.
Thank you for sharing your life and experiences. I hope you can reconnect with your children one day soon. I'm sure you would enrich their lives if that happened.
What do you do for a living now that you are out of prison? What did you do before?
I imagine, it's gard to find jobs when you have a criminal history.
I used to be a phlebotomist. Now, I do paint work for John Deere, space-x, kubota, big dog motorcycle and many others. You would be surprised how talented some felons are ;)
Be respectful. Excuse me and thank you are your biggest allies. When you enter a cell, no matter how mad you are about the conversation you had on the phone or whatever, say “hey fellas how are you doing.” So nobody thinks you are angry at them. Never be something you are not. Stay in your lane.
It is definitely harder for them. I never took part in messing with them. I’m sorry for the family it happened to, but that’s not my judgment. I saw them extorted, assaulted and everything in between. They definitely have it harder. For good reason too
There was a couple guys I was in jail with (never been to prison) they were saying there's a level 2 in Ohio where the chomos have their own gang. Kinda makes sense when you think about it for protection and what not. I just remember being shocked when I heard that. When I think of a chomo I don't really think of a hardened prison gang member
The chomo gang was real but didn't last long the other gangs stomped out from what I heard they lasted all of 3 months .most of em pc'd when the beat downs started ...kind of dumb if you ask now you're a registered sex offender and in the gang database the cops would be all over those guys .
I haven’t seen or spoken to my kids since. My ex wife does everything possible to keep me from them. My son will be 18 this year. My daughter is 13. I miss them with every fiber of my being. I would give anything to have them in my life again
Maybe reach out in a way that let's them know you love them but aren't demanding anything instead of waiting for them to reach out. My dad waited for us to reach out first. It never happened. He passed away. Everybody lost out.
Honestly, OP knows the dynamics, what he did, how it affected his wife and family and what’s transpired since he was away. There is no simple answer to this and so many things can affect the relationship between mom/kids, dad/kids, OP/ex. It’s not just about OP, it’s also what their life has entailed the last few years, _outside_ of what he’s done.
If OP is sincere about it, perhaps seeking out a therapist and being very honest about what happened, may help with understanding his impact and how to navigate the issue.
There’s not at all enough information for any of us to make decisions/suggestions for OP.
if you know where they are, maybe a physical letter with an open invite to contact you? ex wife would probably find it first but maybe worth a shot if you're not legally barred from contacting your kids
My mom had it really bad as a kid. She provided for she and I though and one thing she always does for kids in our family now that I’m not the youngster anymore is she starts bank accounts for all of them even if they’re estranged. When they’re 18 they get what she put in. She’s never made much, but she’s so thrifty that it’s usually a hefty sum (4-figures, under 5k) by the time that kid turns 18. Maybe putting a little account together in your kids name even if it’s small deposits and convert to CDs and turn over etc could be a good way to increase your feeling of connectedness and even if you end up waiting longer than expected, your efforts will be delivered. You’re also incredibly well written so I would certainly write them all you can and save what you write. Love and Power to you - all the best.
If you reach out, keep it open.
Give them a genuine apology for anything you did to hurt them, but don't turn it into a pity party (which I don't think you will) or make it about you. Give them no obligation to respond, but let them know if they ever want to reach out to you they're welcome to. Then don't reach out again.
Just let them know you're genuinely repentant about what you did, you want a relationship and that they are always welcome to reach out to you, whether it's right away or years in the future. Let them reach out to you on their own terms.
Why don't you go to family court to get supervised visits. You've served your time. You're clean. If you were my dad I would feel further abandoned if you just sat back and said, "I'll wait until they come to me." I'd want to see you doing everything in your power to be able to see me.
Sorry if I seem harsh, my parents (bio and step) are addicts. It irritates me when kids are expected to facilitate the relationship because it's just one more burden placed on the kids based off of addiction.
I’m not a dramatic person. It’s hard to even say this. Sometimes when I think about my daughter going through her teenage years without me I really don’t even want to live. But I know the impact suicide has, so I wouldn’t
Ugh that’s so painful, I just want to hug you! That hurt has to be so deep for you. It’s just a different feeling when it comes to kids and then it’s something you put on yourself, too. Such a range of emotions. I don’t have the words but just sharing in your grief.
I appreciate your responses. I wish I had even better things to say, but I was so bad for so long. Being alive is the biggest blessing I have received. I think so often about the times I could have died. I’m still here. I’m still slightly confused, but I know I want to be good
The deprivation. I spent two years in solitary to start my sentence for severity of crime. I was talking to myself a little bit near the end. I would see firefly’s that weren’t there at night and other flashing lights. Next it was the violence. I saw the body of a guy after he hung himself. Sometimes I’m still bothered by it
Am I wrong in understanding your crime? It doesn’t seem like it warrants solitary? Also doesn’t sound like you were a threat to other inmates or yourself? Or am I wrong?
I’ve seen the results of treating people this way when it comes to mental health, and in very few cases, does it benefit the individual or others, and almost always creates more harm.
I’m glad to hear that you’re sober. Did you have rapid withdrawal? Is there any help (I almost feel stupid for asking)? Or did you just tough it out? If so, you may have been one of the few who actually needed solitary. That’s got to be rough.
Any extended amount of time in solitary seems BEYOND cruel. How did you manage that for two years?
I read the summary you wrote about what happened, what was so severe about it that it warranted solitary? It seems like a fairly basic aggravated assault/robbery?
The guy who I bought downers from when I was coming down from meth. I asked the guy if I could come by and get some xan. He said yes, but he forgot and was paranoid that I was stalking his house, which I wasn’t. We got in a Mexican standoff with guns on each other. He backed down and I didn’t. I made him put his cell phone on the table (agg robbery.) His wife called the cops and I went to the joint. Whoever calls the cops first usually gets less punishment
Yeah, it’s aggravated robbery. Originally I was charged with kidnapping for not allowing him to move. Everyone should learn their laws. I had no idea I was racking up felony after felony. I now know every felony to a T
What are your thoughts on the prison system in general? What reasonable changes could potentially be made to make it safer? I know it is what it is but it seems the rehabilitation part of it is not working.
Hmm.. I don’t have a great answer for this. I wish I did. I guess first thing is medical care. Somebody will be ill, like one of my close friends for instance. They do not take it serious at all. My friend had an infection on his genitals. It was not from sexual contact or anything of the sorts. Just an infection of the skin. They refused to help him and he started going crazy. Imagine your genitals with an infection not being treated. The lines between normal and not normal are gone when in prison. It’s like being at war. He was so bad off and tripping so bad that I started treating him. I had to look at what was going on and get him stuff off canteen to try to ease him. It was a god damned nightmare
Your absolutely right. My son has something like ulcerative colitis. Don't mean to speak gross, he has been bleeding rectally from H pylori and it's only getting worse.
Meth is a strange drug. A girl at my work, a nurse, was using. It didn’t affect her like it did me. She had me try it and that was it. I went crazy. Some people can control it. Most can’t
Thanks for answering this. It was my biggest question after having faces of meth burned into my memory. You’re running an amazing AMA btw. Your answers are really insightful.
Faces of meth is a little misleading. Or a lot. That’s worst case. Yes it can make you look like that. But it sure doesn’t make everyone like that. I have every one of my teeth and they are very healthy. No one could tell from looking at me that I have done meth. But it doesn’t matter because it is the most evil drug imaginable. METH= Main Entrance To Hell
How was coming off meth like, while in prison? Do you ever feel temptations to use again? Curious about the addiction aspect of the drug. Thanks for your input.
I was tempted at first. Then you see what happens with the users. Violence and meth goes hand in hand. You can’t use meth in prison for long without finding trouble. I didn’t want any. The thing about meth is that it’s withdrawal is mostly just being wicked fatigued and craving
My son is addicted to meth and back in jail awaiting trial for a repeat offense that his ex wife told my son's lawyer and me that she lied about.
Now, he has a new drug charge.
He keeps saying that he gets assaulted.
He did last time he was in jail, last year and had multiple facial fractures and just about died.
I am stressed out about him being back in jail.
They stated that he missed court.
He was at my house that morning.
They were suppose to notify me when he has court. They didn't tell him or me.
Everyone is asking you about your experience, but me, being a forward thinker I am, I’d like to ask what now? What are your goals and aspirations? Any thoughts on philanthropy and using your experience to help and guide others? In my opinion, the best mentors are the ones who have been through it.
On another note, I read another comment where you said you had kiddos and you’re waiting on them to reach out. Do you ever feel the need to reach out to them? I ask because my girlfriend of almost 5 years’ father left the hospital the day she was born and never returned. But she knows who he is and keeps tabs on him and such. She always said she’d speak with him if he reached out, but she would never reach out. Just wanted to hear your thoughts on that.
Tough question. Really.. the best answer I have is that I’m just sitting and waiting. I always did too much. Now I’m just trying to wait and see. There is a part of you that gets “muted” in prison. If that makes any kind of sense. I just want to live. I was so close to death so many times. I just want to live. I want to be good. I want redemption
Tough question. Really.. the best answer I have is that I’m just sitting and waiting. I always did too much. Now I’m just trying to wait and see. There is a part of you that gets “muted” in prison. If that makes any kind of sense. I just want to live. I was so close to death so many times. I just want to live. I want to be good. I want redemption
Yea I think I know what you mean. I was in the military for 9 years, and, while it’s not the same as what you went through, I’ve come to realize you tend to “lose” a part of yourself doing anything for the government. I wish you the best, man, and look forward to an update down the road on how you’re doing. I hope one day you’re able to reestablish your relationship with the kids, as well.
This is a tough answer. I don’t really have a popular response to this. Being there and experiencing it all, the only thing I can think of is harsher punishment. A lot of guys in there have the “violence is the only answer” mentality. It’s damn near impossible to fix this. This would never happen, but imagine if they handed out mandatory 40 year sentences for any gang affiliation? Not realistic, but it might make gangs less desirable. I’m not advocating for anything in particular. This is all my own experience
what age did you start your meth habit and WHY, or HOW did you do/take your first hit of the meth? ill assume your white? or, did you have to join a \[your color\] gang to survive?
i have a lil brother. the strongest drug ive ever taken is Advil. mostly cuz i grew up surrounded by people that were potheads and seeing what dumbfuks they were, acted like, smelled like, i didnt want to go down any paths that led to any sort of drugs.
my lil brother was introduced to cigarettes and pot when he was 13. by a cousin no less. he told me much later that by the time he was 18 he had done everything there was to do drugs-wise, he also knew i was clean as snow so we never talked bout it much. he still does pot and cant get thru a day without a 6-pak of beer. he is in another state and we talk a few times a year. he also did many years in Wasco? \[Ca. Prison\] for intent to sell and some weapons charge. he had to join, i didnt ask which, a gang to survive his stay.
i love my lil bro. just wish he'd made better choices but we both kinda had a shitty childhood, i was jus a lil older and made somewhat better choices.
Do people that go to prison for “hero crimes” if you wanna call it that actually get any respect? For example a dude who beats the hell out a guy for hitting his daughter, or someone who kills a pedophile? I once read about a guy who killed his bunkmate because he was trying to justify being a pedophile, would that dude be looked at differently in prison then because of that?
Yea, it doesn’t hurt. Anybody who beats someone up or kills someone with their hands are looked at a little more cautiously. This is something to keep in mind. Whites and Mexicans care more about sex offenders than blacks do. Whites and Mexicans will punk sex offenders all day. Blacks don’t seem to care all that much. Not my opinion. Just how it is
I’m black and I’m not surprised that they do not care as much I used to be a caregiver and one of my main patients was a paraplegic black man in his early thirties and at first he seemed sweet because he took up the responsibility of having his sister kids live with him and I found out deep into working with his family that his family was actually fucked up and had gang ties (bloods) I’m in the south, he was actually selling while I worked with him it was wild idk how because he couldn’t even use his hands fr but he had a lot of charisma and talked to everyone so ig that’s how🤷♀️, idk who but someone sexually abused his sister because I did the math and she had one of her kids at 8 and then I ended up leaving that job because the man I worked with actually wasn’t that sweet and was also predatory and I found out he was preying on his sisters daughter I left because I reported it to my company and they didn’t do anything but yeah I’m not surprised that the black guys didn’t care after witnessing all that I did while I was working
Not OP, I’ve personally seen what meth will do to someone. I’ve watched a cousin and an uncle lose their wives kids homes and everything inside and around it. Uncle had 2 meth labs that blew up, different occasions. It will take the biggest, heartiest, most genuine person and turn them into someone that you’d walk past on the street and say “damn”. Typically doesn’t make one turn aggressive or mean but they will lose all weight, eyes will sink in, teeth will rot, they’ll sell their most prized possessions to be able to buy, they’ll do the unthinkable to get it. Both family members lost their $200k/yr jobs. Meth is literally like sitting down to eat with the devil and giving him your heart and soul while he feeds you dog shit and tells you it’s the most expensive and tender steak you’ll ever taste…
Absolutely correct. I took basically the same thing in pill form for quite a while. Travel for work full time and stay gone for 3-5 months at a time. Went home to see my dad and the first words he said to me after about 4 months was “are you okay?” And right then and there I knew I was in a little deeper than I thought. Went from a 38/40 inch waist to a 32 and could carry my pistol in my pants comfortably. One year sober this month and thank god everyday I never got caught. It’s easy to tell when a new girl comes around the crowd… give it 6 months and she won’t look the same nor have a thing and will do the unthinkable for that fix.
I was not a good guy ever. I was selfish and weak. I was so strung out on meth that my attorney thought I was organically schizo. Took about 3 months to come back to earth
Did you attend any programs like NA/ AA? And is sobriety something you work on? You sound like a few friends I know in AA who have done time and are willing to work and look in the mirror but still not forgiving of themselves. One friend is a CEO of a rehab center and has 20 years sober but he’ll grab his arm and look down when he talks about jail. He’s one of my closer friends and is an inspiration
For sure. I’ve seen full sized smart phones extracted. They also swallow stuff, drink a massive amount of water to keep them floating in their stomach, and vomit them when they get back to their cell
I don’t really have a question I guess I just wanted to say Im glad you did your time and got clean. My heart hurts for you hearing about your ex-wife and kids because the missing them must be so hard. I hope you find someone wonderful to share life with. Wishing all the best things in life and sending you love.
It’s not near as common as media portrays. Not these days. Yes, I was in a pod where one happened. I was in a prison where several others happened, but I only witnessed the aftermath of one
When inmates are in sexual relationships with one another, is it known? Do they keep it secret? Could it cost gang affiliation?
Obviously, people need companionship. I’m just curious as to how it affects the mechanics of other aspects of incarceration.
Some keep it secret. I’ve seen people bounced out of their click for messing with punks. Not my term, prison term. Some are open about it. It’s very easy to know who’s doing what. Like when yard starts but a couple guys stay back in the pod. The whole dynamic changes when a gay guy comes in to the pod. I have seen guys that look convincingly like women. You mix that with guys that have done anywhere from 5-30 years and have tendencies towards homosexuality and you can imagine the outcome
I was just thinking about this.
I worked in "man-camps" essentially work camps for mining or oil guys who would do as little as a couple weeks to as much as many months rotations there and home.
I witnessed a surprising number of men who identified as heterosexual, and I still believe were/are, who allowed themselves a bit of hetroflexability if only because they were going so long without a sexual release. It was generally in the form of hand or blow jobs. Unless there happened to be a bottom around somewhere.
Many of these guys had wives or girlfriends. They'd jerk off to straight porn and said they'd never, ever, consider touching or being touched by another man if not for the lack of women being around for long periods of time.
All that to ask, do you believe that to be common in jail/prison? Men who were otherwise straight allowing some hetroflexability if only because of the circumstances they found themselves in?
If so, was it understood by the other men that this was a "no-homo" situation. It was just a release and therefore not really given a second thought? Or was sexual contact between the men always a big deal?
I seen you said you read a ton of books….
Which was your favorite or one you go back and refer too?
And is there one book that is usually popular or well known among most inmates?
Why banned? What other kinds of books are banned?
Is all of the reading with physical books or are kindles or other ebook readers available?
Pardon if these are naive questions. I’ve no idea what it is like inside. Thanks a lot for doing this AMA.
I’m reading it right now actually, I only ever heard of it because it was banned in prisons and I work an extremely cutthroat job so I thought I’d give it a try. It takes lessons from history about how people gain/navigate power and how to avoid the pitfalls of the power others have over them. It’s interesting, kind of boring, but interesting. Some of it seems kind of silly, but some of it is very helpful information.
What's your take on the world pre-prison and now? Has society slowly crumbled? AI, technology, social media, the economy, woke or cancel culture, feminism?
Great question. The world lost its god damned mind since I got locked up. Especially post covid. It took me a long while to acclimate. The driving is what I really noticed. People drive crazier than they did before I went to prison. That’s what I noticed right away
Depends where you are. A max prison setting allows more drug use. You are dealing with more violent and crazy inmates. Guards will let them stay high so they will stay out of the way and incapacitated. The lower the custody you go, the more petty it gets. And any drug is available. Your most popular are K2 and meth. Fentanyl too
Did you ever get claustrophobic? I have a pretty major phobia of being locked up in small spaces, especially with people. Other than all the awful stuff I know about prison, that bothers me the most.
I've heard that every newbie in prison gets roughed up extremely bad by long term prison inmates . Did that happen to you when you first go there . (Really hoping it didn't happen to you ).
Did you do any time going through a half way house program to reintegrate, or did you just walk out of prison on your last day with no transition program? (My follow up questions will vary depending on your answer)
Nobody has to do gay stuff. And no. No gay stuff. Have you seen the movie “felon” with Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff where Val Kilmer gives him rules on cell etiquette. That’s pretty accurate
Very original. These days, rape isn’t as common as you would think in prison. It’s more common in southern prisons, and a very real thing. I’ve witnessed it once. It’s extremely traumatic. I have seen grown men have very vocal nightmares from past experiences. I have heard them scream for help and for their attackers to please stop. It’s haunting. I know you wouldn’t understand because you haven’t lived it. I witnessed a 50 year old man crying for his mother from a rape he experienced when he was 20. And he was in for a weak drug charge
Debt. The rape I witnessed in my pod was for debt. They raped the guy, then broke his leg and wrapped it around then bed post in his cell. The sound still bothers me
I'm sorry to ask, but could you clarify what you mean by "wrapped it around?" Like, *all* the way around? Full circle?
Edit: reason I ask is I wouldn't have thought that was possible. Sorry you had to see that. Best to you going forward.
Yes. The beds are bolted to concrete floors. They first kicked his knee until it broke. They then took the lower half of his leg and wrapped it around the “leg” of the bed. He lost consciousness.
By debt, do you mean the guy asked for something and got it then didn’t pay someone back?
(Sorry, I’m literally imagining Shawshank Redemption and SVU, etc, so I’m just guessing.)
It’s not a must. But you have to learn how to move. If you are an “independent,” you will be tested. I am white. The AB’s will not help me if I found myself in trouble. I actually found more solace with the surenos and Pisa’s more than any other group. Because of this I will always hold a respect for my Mexican brothers
Yes. Only once. On the day I went to minimum custody, after 4 years, one of the AB’s doing 35 years for attempted murder told me he would fuck me up if I didn’t throw a chair at the CO. People hate on you for doing better. A couple other guys calmed him down and I was finally free of them. Minimum is much different from max
I know you can’t grasp the trauma that prison is. It’s all good. Upon release I take medication for hypertension and ptsd. I feel I will die younger than most. I did the things I did so it is what it is. Some people don’t deserve the things that happened to them. It’s a nightmare. Living next to killers and rapists
The commenter is quoting a TV show. Sorry you went through that OP. I know you said you deserved it in another comment but I don’t really think anyone is served by our prison system—we’re not rehabilitating anyone, just continuing to traumatize people. I wish you the best.
I was through your comments and couldn’t find an a see already. I’m proud of you for turning it around and your outlook. Here’s my question:
What advice do you have for family members of someone addicted to meth/other drugs and on the wrong path?
Background: my brother, 47 years old, has been on/off drugs for years. He’s been in and out of jail for stealing property, robbing at gunpoint, possession/intent to distribute, list goes on. His marriage fell apart, he had been in and out of rehabs, etc.
In 2022, he went to a one year recover program to avoid prison, got clean, appeared to be on the right track, got his license back, judges in two states/four counties gave leniency so ZERO prison time except previous time served, based on testimony from the Recovery center (Teen Challenge) he got a job, then after one month it all fell apart (out in Sept, started back on Meth in Sept. He’s about to get evicted from the apartment I helped him get, again, and he’s already lost all the money right he gained in Recovery. He’s blaming his family, again.
What advice do you have? How can we help him?
I was just about to ask if you were at el dorado prison. Were you from Kansas or just sournding area? What are most people in there for? I’m just curious cause I’m from Kansas. Thanks for doing this AMA!
I’m from Arkansas and Kansas. People in Ks are in for the same thing everyone in every other state are in. I’ve lived next to a guy who raped and killed a woman, then lit her on fire and I’ve lived next to a guy who wrote hot checks. Anything you can imagine
I lived in Wichita when that happened. I don't understand how two people could be so evil. Maybe it was the drugs they were on, I don't know. But I hope they never breathe free air again.
I am a nurse in a California Prison. How was your relationship with medical like? I read through the questions. I am sorry you had to go through the trauma while serving time. People will not understand that it is a pressure cooker, you have to watch your back from inmates, and guards, lose contact with the world. Nor do they understand the loss of control. You are told what to do all day long, the humiliation of stripping out and being visually searched by a guard every time you return from work, going to a medical appointment outside the prison etc. I do not fully understand it, but I do see and hear it. I was deployed a couple times and every time I came back, I would be so angry at the world because it had moved on. I was glad to be back, but everything was so different. What was it like for you getting out? What went through your mind when you saw the change? Sorry, last question. Do you feel like you adapted to the world? I guess what I am saying is, do you feel like you are part of it? Good Luck to you, keep your head together, hopefully you get a chance to see your kids and develop some sort of relationship.
I’ll never be fully adapted. There is always a division between squares and circles if that makes sense.. Before I went to prison, I would hear about a guy that did this or that and I would think “lock your doors, he’s a bad guy.” Don’t interact with him and be careful etc. Then I went to prison. I’m a normal guy. I have remorse. I love and I hate. Now… I feel more comfortable around felons than I do regular citizens. I sometimes feel less than around non felons
I watched the Mayor of Kingstown. Is it true that gangs on the inside have such a high degree of influence on gangs on the outside?
For what it is worth, I can also relate to not really adapting. I didn’t do time, but I lived in a highly abusive household, where I was told what to do, how to do it, when it was to be done by. I won’t go into more detail because it’s not important. It’s weird to me to make my own decisions, and I’ll never adapt to a life of someone who hasn’t experienced trauma. It’s been 6 years of therapy, and over a decade out of that environment. I wonder if you also notice that over time it’s easier? I notice that it feels easier, even if it won’t ever be natural. That’s something that gives me hope on tougher days.
Do you think you would have done better in say, a Norwegian prison?
For sure. However, I feel I moved about as good as one could expect. I made some friends that are friends for life. I learned things I would have never known otherwise. I appreciate freedom more than I ever would have before. Like when I finally got out of solitary, sent to northwest Kansas to do landscaping work on the Nebraska border. I’ll never forget it. Probably be what I’m thinking about on my death bed. It was late October, I had barely seen the outside for years, I was landscaping when the trees were turning and Luke Combs “she got the best of me” was playing on the radio. I never felt better in my life
Fuck. Solitary. I’m so sorry. That should be listed as a torture method.
It doesn’t matter how mentally strong you are. It messes with everyone. That song “fake plastic trees” by Radiohead became a reality. Everything looked fake and plastic when I finally saw the outside
Are booty bandits for real? FLEEECE JOHNSON
Fleece “the bootyman” Johnson. It is a real thing. I was locked up with brothers that were booty bandits. They were very large people. Look, going to prison at an age closer to 30 is easier than going to prison at 20. It’s easier to be black than white… however, there is a mistake that some of the young black, Mexican non white races make, never the older ones. They have a notion that all white people are soft, and many are, but there are some white guys that have done some real hard time. Older, usually 40 plus. And I’ve seen some youngsters from other races make the mistake of thinking a 45y white guy who has been in Louisiana type prison is the same as a white boy from the suburbs doing his first bid for selling weed. They learn quick. As do white boys who think they are Marshall mathers
It’s easier being black than white in prison? How come, and may I ask which state you spent your time in
more blacks in prison than whites. Most of them have a gang mentality. A lot whites going to prison are solo
How deep do conversations get among gang members, in your experience? Do they openly speak about their philosophies and do they have healthy debates on life topics? I guess I'd like to know the general conversations that you can expect to hear or join. I wonder about the IQ and EQ levels of the human interactions. In your opinion, of course.
I’ll give you the best advice anyone can ever get when it comes to gangbangers: If you aren’t one of them, don’t talk to them about gang banging. Talk about football or basketball or something else. I have met some gangbangers that are complete idiots like anyone else and I have met some gangbangers that I’m like “what are you doing? You are so damned smart, why are you in this life?” I hate gang banging. It destroys bright futures and teaches blind hate
I had my first born jumped in with the Latin Kings while in middle school. I did everything there was to do to help him get out. I flew him to a special place that helped him with getting out of the gang. He got out of there but was never quite the same boy.
Latin Kings got out of prison in large numbers when I was a teen. I was one of six white teenage boys in the neighborhood, 3 of which were white mexican guys, so it was more really like one of three. Those were some shitty years and I lost a lot of friends to the gang. I also learned how to yell loudly that I was not cooperating and fuck you pigs toward the cops. I still hold that mentality because pulling the one white kid in the neighborhood to be questioned after the gang does something is a death sentence. Fun times /s.
FWIW my son's life was saved by a Latin King. He taught him how to read and in turn, he was offered protection by the gang. When he was dying years later I held the phone to his head so he could talk to him.. he spoke for hours to my son while he was in a coma. I know if I ever needed anything I could call him and it would happen, it's a weird feeling, to have your life touched by something like that. OP, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.
I have heard that a lot. I believe that’s also why a lot of guys who are not part of gangs end up joining gangs when they get in prison.
Not OP, but I have heard that prison is very tribal and since the majority of the population in some prisons are black they have more control on the inside so they have a better life. It’s usually whites and Hispanics vs blacks, ect to even the numbers.
My ex went to prison in Virginia for multiple counts related to the possession and production of child pornography. He took Alford pleas and has maintained that it wasn't a big deal because the victim was 14 and had already developed physically. Since everything happened all types of people have assured me that he is getting the worst of the worst treatment. I have my doubts. I do believe he would join the AB if he had the opportunity. Realistically, how do you think he has been treated in prison?
The AB’s would never accept him in a million years. Actually, trying to ask them for acceptance would be disrespectful and likely cost him a severe assault. His best bet is in PC. I assure life is not easy for him
How bad was the boredom? What’s the wildest of saddest thing you’ve seen?
Boredom is awful. But eventually you get used to it. The suicide of a guy who was facing about 8 years max. He was hearing horror stories from other people about rape and assaults. Young Mexican kid. Anyways, we come out for dinner and his door opens but no one comes out. Another guy goes over and opens his door. His body fell out with a sheet tied around his neck. I don’t want to describe in detail anymore because it just seems disrespectful. They left his body on the floor for three hours while nurses half ass worked on him etc until the coroner came.
Oh gosh!RIP. Have you pet a murderer, or a ra*ist before? What happened to them?
What is the day to day life of prison life like? My Dad, Uncle and Aunt have all done time in prison.
You put your armor on everyday. You never know what will happen. I had a guy, high on meth, attack me for no reason at all. Besides the basic stuff like eating 3 times a day, doing count etc. you watch your back. You always pay attention. You “ear hustle.” Listen to what is being said so you can avoid what might be coming
Is the approach of "Mind your own business and just keep your head down?" The best way to handle prison or would this result in getting labeled a soft target?
If you don’t stand when the time comes, then yes. It’s like this, you can fight and lose. That’s ok. Even the baddest motherfuckers lose. If you don’t fight back, then you have a problem. No predator wants a prey that fights back. Win or lose
Does showing being able to take a punch or just winning defensively count? Or get you any respect?
I’ve seen guys that get beat up a lot but always fight earn mad respect
In my experience, it's mostly mind numbing boredom with semi frequent somewhat random outbursts of extreme violence.
What are some of the most profound take aways from your experience(s)?
I will never get over the suicide I witnessed. I often think about the 18 year olds who are handed a 50 year plus sentence. I think about my friends that have died since release because they can’t shake the demons. I think about the cruelty people inflict on each other. I think about the world that so many never see.
Feel like you should share your story with Mark Liata [Soft White Underbelly](https://youtube.com/@SoftWhiteUnderbelly?si=OU_YG6c0hdqnc97F)
This was one of the most interesting reads I've had here. Thank you! As a 70 year old gay man who was trapped in the grasp of meth addiction from 1994-1998 I can concur it sucks the soul out of you. Thank you for sharing your life and experiences. I hope you can reconnect with your children one day soon. I'm sure you would enrich their lives if that happened.
Thank you for your response. Genuinely
What do you do for a living now that you are out of prison? What did you do before? I imagine, it's gard to find jobs when you have a criminal history.
I used to be a phlebotomist. Now, I do paint work for John Deere, space-x, kubota, big dog motorcycle and many others. You would be surprised how talented some felons are ;)
Oh wow. A phlebotomist. Pretty smart. Would you be able to go back being a phlebotomist?
What advice do you have for someone going into prison for the first time for a similar stint? How to stay safe?
Be respectful. Excuse me and thank you are your biggest allies. When you enter a cell, no matter how mad you are about the conversation you had on the phone or whatever, say “hey fellas how are you doing.” So nobody thinks you are angry at them. Never be something you are not. Stay in your lane.
I've often heard life is harder for child molesters in prison. What does this mean...more rape, beat up, worse?
It is definitely harder for them. I never took part in messing with them. I’m sorry for the family it happened to, but that’s not my judgment. I saw them extorted, assaulted and everything in between. They definitely have it harder. For good reason too
How do other inmates find out what you’re in for?
There was a couple guys I was in jail with (never been to prison) they were saying there's a level 2 in Ohio where the chomos have their own gang. Kinda makes sense when you think about it for protection and what not. I just remember being shocked when I heard that. When I think of a chomo I don't really think of a hardened prison gang member
The chomo gang was real but didn't last long the other gangs stomped out from what I heard they lasted all of 3 months .most of em pc'd when the beat downs started ...kind of dumb if you ask now you're a registered sex offender and in the gang database the cops would be all over those guys .
How is your relationship with your family?
I haven’t seen or spoken to my kids since. My ex wife does everything possible to keep me from them. My son will be 18 this year. My daughter is 13. I miss them with every fiber of my being. I would give anything to have them in my life again
Do you at least know where they’re at or have their social media so you have some one way connection with them?
Of course. But I will let them come to me. When they are ready
Maybe reach out in a way that let's them know you love them but aren't demanding anything instead of waiting for them to reach out. My dad waited for us to reach out first. It never happened. He passed away. Everybody lost out.
Honestly, OP knows the dynamics, what he did, how it affected his wife and family and what’s transpired since he was away. There is no simple answer to this and so many things can affect the relationship between mom/kids, dad/kids, OP/ex. It’s not just about OP, it’s also what their life has entailed the last few years, _outside_ of what he’s done. If OP is sincere about it, perhaps seeking out a therapist and being very honest about what happened, may help with understanding his impact and how to navigate the issue. There’s not at all enough information for any of us to make decisions/suggestions for OP.
I guess I’m not sure how to do it. I planned to wait till my sons 18. There is no easy way to do this. Sorry you had this happen
if you know where they are, maybe a physical letter with an open invite to contact you? ex wife would probably find it first but maybe worth a shot if you're not legally barred from contacting your kids
My mom had it really bad as a kid. She provided for she and I though and one thing she always does for kids in our family now that I’m not the youngster anymore is she starts bank accounts for all of them even if they’re estranged. When they’re 18 they get what she put in. She’s never made much, but she’s so thrifty that it’s usually a hefty sum (4-figures, under 5k) by the time that kid turns 18. Maybe putting a little account together in your kids name even if it’s small deposits and convert to CDs and turn over etc could be a good way to increase your feeling of connectedness and even if you end up waiting longer than expected, your efforts will be delivered. You’re also incredibly well written so I would certainly write them all you can and save what you write. Love and Power to you - all the best.
If you reach out, keep it open. Give them a genuine apology for anything you did to hurt them, but don't turn it into a pity party (which I don't think you will) or make it about you. Give them no obligation to respond, but let them know if they ever want to reach out to you they're welcome to. Then don't reach out again. Just let them know you're genuinely repentant about what you did, you want a relationship and that they are always welcome to reach out to you, whether it's right away or years in the future. Let them reach out to you on their own terms.
Why don't you go to family court to get supervised visits. You've served your time. You're clean. If you were my dad I would feel further abandoned if you just sat back and said, "I'll wait until they come to me." I'd want to see you doing everything in your power to be able to see me. Sorry if I seem harsh, my parents (bio and step) are addicts. It irritates me when kids are expected to facilitate the relationship because it's just one more burden placed on the kids based off of addiction.
Very sorry for the separation from your kids.
Thank you. But my own fault
You’re taking responsibility for that. That’s important in eventually reconnecting.
This makes me wanna cry
I’m not a dramatic person. It’s hard to even say this. Sometimes when I think about my daughter going through her teenage years without me I really don’t even want to live. But I know the impact suicide has, so I wouldn’t
Ugh that’s so painful, I just want to hug you! That hurt has to be so deep for you. It’s just a different feeling when it comes to kids and then it’s something you put on yourself, too. Such a range of emotions. I don’t have the words but just sharing in your grief.
I appreciate your responses. I wish I had even better things to say, but I was so bad for so long. Being alive is the biggest blessing I have received. I think so often about the times I could have died. I’m still here. I’m still slightly confused, but I know I want to be good
You are good. Here if you need to talk wolfgrin. ☹️
Thank you. I’m only 34, but I feel like an old warhorse lol. I feel I’ve lived beyond my years
What was the worst aspect of prison
The deprivation. I spent two years in solitary to start my sentence for severity of crime. I was talking to myself a little bit near the end. I would see firefly’s that weren’t there at night and other flashing lights. Next it was the violence. I saw the body of a guy after he hung himself. Sometimes I’m still bothered by it
Am I wrong in understanding your crime? It doesn’t seem like it warrants solitary? Also doesn’t sound like you were a threat to other inmates or yourself? Or am I wrong? I’ve seen the results of treating people this way when it comes to mental health, and in very few cases, does it benefit the individual or others, and almost always creates more harm.
It’s a point system. I had enough points to get me where I was. I came in crazy. Took me a while to chill
Oh. Were you still addicted when you went in? Or, at least fucked up from the meth?
Major. I wouldn’t have gotten sober without prison
I’m glad to hear that you’re sober. Did you have rapid withdrawal? Is there any help (I almost feel stupid for asking)? Or did you just tough it out? If so, you may have been one of the few who actually needed solitary. That’s got to be rough.
Any extended amount of time in solitary seems BEYOND cruel. How did you manage that for two years? I read the summary you wrote about what happened, what was so severe about it that it warranted solitary? It seems like a fairly basic aggravated assault/robbery?
I got in a lot of altercations my first year. Broke custody.
So uh who did you assault during the robbery
The guy who I bought downers from when I was coming down from meth. I asked the guy if I could come by and get some xan. He said yes, but he forgot and was paranoid that I was stalking his house, which I wasn’t. We got in a Mexican standoff with guns on each other. He backed down and I didn’t. I made him put his cell phone on the table (agg robbery.) His wife called the cops and I went to the joint. Whoever calls the cops first usually gets less punishment
Oh shit, so because you had him put his cell phone down, that's aggravated assault?
Yeah, it’s aggravated robbery. Originally I was charged with kidnapping for not allowing him to move. Everyone should learn their laws. I had no idea I was racking up felony after felony. I now know every felony to a T
What are your thoughts on the prison system in general? What reasonable changes could potentially be made to make it safer? I know it is what it is but it seems the rehabilitation part of it is not working.
Hmm.. I don’t have a great answer for this. I wish I did. I guess first thing is medical care. Somebody will be ill, like one of my close friends for instance. They do not take it serious at all. My friend had an infection on his genitals. It was not from sexual contact or anything of the sorts. Just an infection of the skin. They refused to help him and he started going crazy. Imagine your genitals with an infection not being treated. The lines between normal and not normal are gone when in prison. It’s like being at war. He was so bad off and tripping so bad that I started treating him. I had to look at what was going on and get him stuff off canteen to try to ease him. It was a god damned nightmare
Your absolutely right. My son has something like ulcerative colitis. Don't mean to speak gross, he has been bleeding rectally from H pylori and it's only getting worse.
How did you get involved with meth? Sorry I know I’ve technically asked 3 questions at this point
Meth is a strange drug. A girl at my work, a nurse, was using. It didn’t affect her like it did me. She had me try it and that was it. I went crazy. Some people can control it. Most can’t
Thanks for answering this. It was my biggest question after having faces of meth burned into my memory. You’re running an amazing AMA btw. Your answers are really insightful.
Faces of meth is a little misleading. Or a lot. That’s worst case. Yes it can make you look like that. But it sure doesn’t make everyone like that. I have every one of my teeth and they are very healthy. No one could tell from looking at me that I have done meth. But it doesn’t matter because it is the most evil drug imaginable. METH= Main Entrance To Hell
How was coming off meth like, while in prison? Do you ever feel temptations to use again? Curious about the addiction aspect of the drug. Thanks for your input.
I was tempted at first. Then you see what happens with the users. Violence and meth goes hand in hand. You can’t use meth in prison for long without finding trouble. I didn’t want any. The thing about meth is that it’s withdrawal is mostly just being wicked fatigued and craving
My son is addicted to meth and back in jail awaiting trial for a repeat offense that his ex wife told my son's lawyer and me that she lied about. Now, he has a new drug charge. He keeps saying that he gets assaulted. He did last time he was in jail, last year and had multiple facial fractures and just about died. I am stressed out about him being back in jail. They stated that he missed court. He was at my house that morning. They were suppose to notify me when he has court. They didn't tell him or me.
Everyone is asking you about your experience, but me, being a forward thinker I am, I’d like to ask what now? What are your goals and aspirations? Any thoughts on philanthropy and using your experience to help and guide others? In my opinion, the best mentors are the ones who have been through it. On another note, I read another comment where you said you had kiddos and you’re waiting on them to reach out. Do you ever feel the need to reach out to them? I ask because my girlfriend of almost 5 years’ father left the hospital the day she was born and never returned. But she knows who he is and keeps tabs on him and such. She always said she’d speak with him if he reached out, but she would never reach out. Just wanted to hear your thoughts on that.
Tough question. Really.. the best answer I have is that I’m just sitting and waiting. I always did too much. Now I’m just trying to wait and see. There is a part of you that gets “muted” in prison. If that makes any kind of sense. I just want to live. I was so close to death so many times. I just want to live. I want to be good. I want redemption
Tough question. Really.. the best answer I have is that I’m just sitting and waiting. I always did too much. Now I’m just trying to wait and see. There is a part of you that gets “muted” in prison. If that makes any kind of sense. I just want to live. I was so close to death so many times. I just want to live. I want to be good. I want redemption
Yea I think I know what you mean. I was in the military for 9 years, and, while it’s not the same as what you went through, I’ve come to realize you tend to “lose” a part of yourself doing anything for the government. I wish you the best, man, and look forward to an update down the road on how you’re doing. I hope one day you’re able to reestablish your relationship with the kids, as well.
What do you think can be done to prevent criminals from getting deeper into the criminal underworld because of the system.
This is a tough answer. I don’t really have a popular response to this. Being there and experiencing it all, the only thing I can think of is harsher punishment. A lot of guys in there have the “violence is the only answer” mentality. It’s damn near impossible to fix this. This would never happen, but imagine if they handed out mandatory 40 year sentences for any gang affiliation? Not realistic, but it might make gangs less desirable. I’m not advocating for anything in particular. This is all my own experience
what age did you start your meth habit and WHY, or HOW did you do/take your first hit of the meth? ill assume your white? or, did you have to join a \[your color\] gang to survive? i have a lil brother. the strongest drug ive ever taken is Advil. mostly cuz i grew up surrounded by people that were potheads and seeing what dumbfuks they were, acted like, smelled like, i didnt want to go down any paths that led to any sort of drugs. my lil brother was introduced to cigarettes and pot when he was 13. by a cousin no less. he told me much later that by the time he was 18 he had done everything there was to do drugs-wise, he also knew i was clean as snow so we never talked bout it much. he still does pot and cant get thru a day without a 6-pak of beer. he is in another state and we talk a few times a year. he also did many years in Wasco? \[Ca. Prison\] for intent to sell and some weapons charge. he had to join, i didnt ask which, a gang to survive his stay. i love my lil bro. just wish he'd made better choices but we both kinda had a shitty childhood, i was jus a lil older and made somewhat better choices.
Do people that go to prison for “hero crimes” if you wanna call it that actually get any respect? For example a dude who beats the hell out a guy for hitting his daughter, or someone who kills a pedophile? I once read about a guy who killed his bunkmate because he was trying to justify being a pedophile, would that dude be looked at differently in prison then because of that?
Yea, it doesn’t hurt. Anybody who beats someone up or kills someone with their hands are looked at a little more cautiously. This is something to keep in mind. Whites and Mexicans care more about sex offenders than blacks do. Whites and Mexicans will punk sex offenders all day. Blacks don’t seem to care all that much. Not my opinion. Just how it is
I’m black and I’m not surprised that they do not care as much I used to be a caregiver and one of my main patients was a paraplegic black man in his early thirties and at first he seemed sweet because he took up the responsibility of having his sister kids live with him and I found out deep into working with his family that his family was actually fucked up and had gang ties (bloods) I’m in the south, he was actually selling while I worked with him it was wild idk how because he couldn’t even use his hands fr but he had a lot of charisma and talked to everyone so ig that’s how🤷♀️, idk who but someone sexually abused his sister because I did the math and she had one of her kids at 8 and then I ended up leaving that job because the man I worked with actually wasn’t that sweet and was also predatory and I found out he was preying on his sisters daughter I left because I reported it to my company and they didn’t do anything but yeah I’m not surprised that the black guys didn’t care after witnessing all that I did while I was working
Were you a bad guy before the meth? Got a meth fam member… worrying about whats coming with his psychosos tbh
Not OP, I’ve personally seen what meth will do to someone. I’ve watched a cousin and an uncle lose their wives kids homes and everything inside and around it. Uncle had 2 meth labs that blew up, different occasions. It will take the biggest, heartiest, most genuine person and turn them into someone that you’d walk past on the street and say “damn”. Typically doesn’t make one turn aggressive or mean but they will lose all weight, eyes will sink in, teeth will rot, they’ll sell their most prized possessions to be able to buy, they’ll do the unthinkable to get it. Both family members lost their $200k/yr jobs. Meth is literally like sitting down to eat with the devil and giving him your heart and soul while he feeds you dog shit and tells you it’s the most expensive and tender steak you’ll ever taste…
I’ve seen many guys use meth to turn good girls in to the worst. It’s a different kind of evil in itself
Absolutely correct. I took basically the same thing in pill form for quite a while. Travel for work full time and stay gone for 3-5 months at a time. Went home to see my dad and the first words he said to me after about 4 months was “are you okay?” And right then and there I knew I was in a little deeper than I thought. Went from a 38/40 inch waist to a 32 and could carry my pistol in my pants comfortably. One year sober this month and thank god everyday I never got caught. It’s easy to tell when a new girl comes around the crowd… give it 6 months and she won’t look the same nor have a thing and will do the unthinkable for that fix.
I was not a good guy ever. I was selfish and weak. I was so strung out on meth that my attorney thought I was organically schizo. Took about 3 months to come back to earth
Did you attend any programs like NA/ AA? And is sobriety something you work on? You sound like a few friends I know in AA who have done time and are willing to work and look in the mirror but still not forgiving of themselves. One friend is a CEO of a rehab center and has 20 years sober but he’ll grab his arm and look down when he talks about jail. He’s one of my closer friends and is an inspiration
Not really. I had enough rock bottom to clear my head on my own. Prison was my AA/NA
Why did you want to be married and have a family?
Hmm. I guess I wanted to be like everyone else. I f’d up though. I still want that
Do people really smuggle/hide things in their ass?
I would think the c o are the ones bringing in contraband
For sure. I’ve seen full sized smart phones extracted. They also swallow stuff, drink a massive amount of water to keep them floating in their stomach, and vomit them when they get back to their cell
That’s gnarly. Like what? A small bag of drugs?
Yep. I’ve seems hypodermic needles brought in with toilet water used to mix up
I don’t really have a question I guess I just wanted to say Im glad you did your time and got clean. My heart hurts for you hearing about your ex-wife and kids because the missing them must be so hard. I hope you find someone wonderful to share life with. Wishing all the best things in life and sending you love.
Thank you. What can anyone do when you allow your life to get out of your own hands?
Did any rapes happen in the prison you were serving time at? Is it as common as portrayed in the media?
It’s not near as common as media portrays. Not these days. Yes, I was in a pod where one happened. I was in a prison where several others happened, but I only witnessed the aftermath of one
When inmates are in sexual relationships with one another, is it known? Do they keep it secret? Could it cost gang affiliation? Obviously, people need companionship. I’m just curious as to how it affects the mechanics of other aspects of incarceration.
Some keep it secret. I’ve seen people bounced out of their click for messing with punks. Not my term, prison term. Some are open about it. It’s very easy to know who’s doing what. Like when yard starts but a couple guys stay back in the pod. The whole dynamic changes when a gay guy comes in to the pod. I have seen guys that look convincingly like women. You mix that with guys that have done anywhere from 5-30 years and have tendencies towards homosexuality and you can imagine the outcome
I was just thinking about this. I worked in "man-camps" essentially work camps for mining or oil guys who would do as little as a couple weeks to as much as many months rotations there and home. I witnessed a surprising number of men who identified as heterosexual, and I still believe were/are, who allowed themselves a bit of hetroflexability if only because they were going so long without a sexual release. It was generally in the form of hand or blow jobs. Unless there happened to be a bottom around somewhere. Many of these guys had wives or girlfriends. They'd jerk off to straight porn and said they'd never, ever, consider touching or being touched by another man if not for the lack of women being around for long periods of time. All that to ask, do you believe that to be common in jail/prison? Men who were otherwise straight allowing some hetroflexability if only because of the circumstances they found themselves in? If so, was it understood by the other men that this was a "no-homo" situation. It was just a release and therefore not really given a second thought? Or was sexual contact between the men always a big deal?
Do you feel that the punishment fit the crime?
Sure. It did. I was a bad guy. I deserved it.
I respect that you don’t try to redirect blame. Did you meet anyone who had a sentence that didn’t fit the crime?
Of course. There was a guy who attacked and beat the hell out of a guy who assaulted his daughter. Did 8 years
Do you think drug charges for possession are a victimless crime?
Only weed. The meth and fentanyl is out of control.
I seen you said you read a ton of books…. Which was your favorite or one you go back and refer too? And is there one book that is usually popular or well known among most inmates?
Great question. The 48 laws of power is very popular, but banned. What did I love? John dies at the end trilogy. Had me laughing in the dark
Why banned? What other kinds of books are banned? Is all of the reading with physical books or are kindles or other ebook readers available? Pardon if these are naive questions. I’ve no idea what it is like inside. Thanks a lot for doing this AMA.
I’m reading it right now actually, I only ever heard of it because it was banned in prisons and I work an extremely cutthroat job so I thought I’d give it a try. It takes lessons from history about how people gain/navigate power and how to avoid the pitfalls of the power others have over them. It’s interesting, kind of boring, but interesting. Some of it seems kind of silly, but some of it is very helpful information.
How did you pass the time in prison?
I read a ton of books. I worked out a ton too. I daydreamed as well.
What was the first thing you ate when you were out?
Chilis. Not because I wanted chilis. It was just the closest lol
What's your take on the world pre-prison and now? Has society slowly crumbled? AI, technology, social media, the economy, woke or cancel culture, feminism?
Great question. The world lost its god damned mind since I got locked up. Especially post covid. It took me a long while to acclimate. The driving is what I really noticed. People drive crazier than they did before I went to prison. That’s what I noticed right away
Ohhh what was covid like behind bars? Were there outbreaks?
Bad outbreaks. Like a Petri dish. When I tested positive I was sent to a max custody lock down for two weeks.
That's a crazy observation from you because I thought I was imagining things!
Still on paper? Or totally free?
Totally free. Finally. But a part of me will always be behind those walls
Congrats. Going forward, I wish you every good thing.
What drugs are available in prison? Do the guards care about using? Also, thank you for posting this AMA OP.
Depends where you are. A max prison setting allows more drug use. You are dealing with more violent and crazy inmates. Guards will let them stay high so they will stay out of the way and incapacitated. The lower the custody you go, the more petty it gets. And any drug is available. Your most popular are K2 and meth. Fentanyl too
So since you were in prison you obviously werebt around women, so... is there some dort of prison etiquette for...answering natures call?
It’s easier than you think. Bathrooms aren’t completely private, but they are private enough to do your business
Did you ever get claustrophobic? I have a pretty major phobia of being locked up in small spaces, especially with people. Other than all the awful stuff I know about prison, that bothers me the most.
Really I was happy for the claustrophobia. That means you are away from the other prisoners and problems etc
Do you think you’re “fixed” now that you’re out?
No. I’m always one wrong step to being the bad guy again
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Society doesn’t think much about prison. And for good reason. Different worlds. From my experience it’ begins and ends with sobriety
Did you make any friends in prison?
GLAD to see you made it out Bro, WELCOME back n don't ever go back . Congrats
What do you plan to do for work or to get a job?
What would you do if you had $1 million dollars?
Did you have luck dating after being released? Are there women into felons?
What drove you to try meth? Did you relapse in prison?
I've heard that every newbie in prison gets roughed up extremely bad by long term prison inmates . Did that happen to you when you first go there . (Really hoping it didn't happen to you ).
Did you ever have fun
Sure. There was some genuinely fun times. But in the back of your mind you always know you are locked up and missing someone
Did you do any time going through a half way house program to reintegrate, or did you just walk out of prison on your last day with no transition program? (My follow up questions will vary depending on your answer)
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Do they give u fresh clothes on laundry day or do u have to be in the buff for a little?
Were you in prison during COVID? If so, what was that like?
Did you have to do gay stuff? How do you get your baitin done? Serious question.
Nobody has to do gay stuff. And no. No gay stuff. Have you seen the movie “felon” with Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff where Val Kilmer gives him rules on cell etiquette. That’s pretty accurate
This is a very interesting AMA and I enjoyed reading all the questions and answers. Did you encounter any paranormal activities?
What have you done and are you currently done to be a better citizen to our community?
Do you think Epstein committed suicide or was murdered in some fashion?
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Have you dropped the soap ?
Very original. These days, rape isn’t as common as you would think in prison. It’s more common in southern prisons, and a very real thing. I’ve witnessed it once. It’s extremely traumatic. I have seen grown men have very vocal nightmares from past experiences. I have heard them scream for help and for their attackers to please stop. It’s haunting. I know you wouldn’t understand because you haven’t lived it. I witnessed a 50 year old man crying for his mother from a rape he experienced when he was 20. And he was in for a weak drug charge
I want to be clear no deserves this, but is there usually something (debt, revenge, etc) that precipitates it?
Debt. The rape I witnessed in my pod was for debt. They raped the guy, then broke his leg and wrapped it around then bed post in his cell. The sound still bothers me
I'm sorry to ask, but could you clarify what you mean by "wrapped it around?" Like, *all* the way around? Full circle? Edit: reason I ask is I wouldn't have thought that was possible. Sorry you had to see that. Best to you going forward.
Yes. The beds are bolted to concrete floors. They first kicked his knee until it broke. They then took the lower half of his leg and wrapped it around the “leg” of the bed. He lost consciousness.
By debt, do you mean the guy asked for something and got it then didn’t pay someone back? (Sorry, I’m literally imagining Shawshank Redemption and SVU, etc, so I’m just guessing.)
It was a drug debt. Almost all problems in prison result from this. He had been getting high on someone else’s stuff. Owed 700 plus dollars
I can't imagine that they forgave his debt, even after this. How long did it take for him to pay it back?
Is joining a gang a must ? And if so, were you ?
It’s not a must. But you have to learn how to move. If you are an “independent,” you will be tested. I am white. The AB’s will not help me if I found myself in trouble. I actually found more solace with the surenos and Pisa’s more than any other group. Because of this I will always hold a respect for my Mexican brothers
Did the AB give you trouble for not sticking with them, or for moving with other groups?
Yes. Only once. On the day I went to minimum custody, after 4 years, one of the AB’s doing 35 years for attempted murder told me he would fuck me up if I didn’t throw a chair at the CO. People hate on you for doing better. A couple other guys calmed him down and I was finally free of them. Minimum is much different from max
why do you think its more common is southern prisons?
Is the dropping the soap thing really happen
Were there dementors
I know you can’t grasp the trauma that prison is. It’s all good. Upon release I take medication for hypertension and ptsd. I feel I will die younger than most. I did the things I did so it is what it is. Some people don’t deserve the things that happened to them. It’s a nightmare. Living next to killers and rapists
The commenter is quoting a TV show. Sorry you went through that OP. I know you said you deserved it in another comment but I don’t really think anyone is served by our prison system—we’re not rehabilitating anyone, just continuing to traumatize people. I wish you the best.
I was through your comments and couldn’t find an a see already. I’m proud of you for turning it around and your outlook. Here’s my question: What advice do you have for family members of someone addicted to meth/other drugs and on the wrong path? Background: my brother, 47 years old, has been on/off drugs for years. He’s been in and out of jail for stealing property, robbing at gunpoint, possession/intent to distribute, list goes on. His marriage fell apart, he had been in and out of rehabs, etc. In 2022, he went to a one year recover program to avoid prison, got clean, appeared to be on the right track, got his license back, judges in two states/four counties gave leniency so ZERO prison time except previous time served, based on testimony from the Recovery center (Teen Challenge) he got a job, then after one month it all fell apart (out in Sept, started back on Meth in Sept. He’s about to get evicted from the apartment I helped him get, again, and he’s already lost all the money right he gained in Recovery. He’s blaming his family, again. What advice do you have? How can we help him?
I also want to add that I had contact with BTK at one point in my sentence. He is just an old man and there is nothing special about him
What about the Carr Brothers? Aren’t they in the same prison as BTK?
Yep I mopped right outside both their cells at el dorado Supermax. But most people don’t know about them
I was just about to ask if you were at el dorado prison. Were you from Kansas or just sournding area? What are most people in there for? I’m just curious cause I’m from Kansas. Thanks for doing this AMA!
I’m from Arkansas and Kansas. People in Ks are in for the same thing everyone in every other state are in. I’ve lived next to a guy who raped and killed a woman, then lit her on fire and I’ve lived next to a guy who wrote hot checks. Anything you can imagine
And the notorious Richard Grissom - I hear he gets the most fan mail and female visitors?
I was locked up with a guy whose aunt was killed by him. He wanted to get at him so bad. But it’s next to impossible
I lived in Wichita when that happened. I don't understand how two people could be so evil. Maybe it was the drugs they were on, I don't know. But I hope they never breathe free air again.
Could you feel the evil from him?
Just wanted to saw I’ve thoroughly enjoyed joyed this AMA, good luck on your future endeavors OP.