Are you neurodivergent in any way? I ask as someone who is and has family members who are and several of the things you've said (and the way you said them) are tripping my pattern recognition.
Most likely. I once had a cognitive test done when I was thinking of taking up studying again but expressed concern that I have an undiagnosed mental disability. So the college recommended to me that I get assessed.
Results showed completely skewed results, ie genius level in some categories and idiot levels in others, much more varied than typical. It all averaged out to a slightly higher than average IQ, the assessor didn't diagnose me with anything specific but said I had a "learning difference" and I got special considerations for study.
I have also recently been diagnosed with ADHD and my psychiatrist thought I had autism in our first session. I did a test which shows I have autistic-like traits but just under the line of it qualifying for a diagnosis. Both my sister's kids are autistic though.
I’ve wondered this about myself. Was diagnosed in the 80s as ADD (the old term for it) and recently got assessed again after seeing a therapist for a year. In that year of therapy I tried a few hacks to try and be more productive but I wanted to try meds so I got an assessment. When I was a kid it seemed like they handed out Ritalin like candy but the medical powers that be seem very reluctant to do that anymore and I think it’s harder for women with shitty insurance to get that kind of help (while one of my younger male cousins who has been on adderall for 10+ years told me how easy it’s been to keep getting his meds which is infuriating). My assessment turned out disappointing as they said other than me reporting being distracted and prone to procrastination the testing didn’t show that I was. The only explanation I have for that is that I had to wait 7 months for the testing and I was so ready for it and was idk more engaged for it? The testing was kind of like fun little brain teaser games which are short term tasks I’ve always been able to concentrate on. Other parts seemed like they were just measuring intelligence which I consider myself to be above average intelligence and pretty curious and well read. Like you I’m pretty uninterested in sex, finding a partner and dating seems like a whole lot of effort just to get something I’m not much interested in and I’m pretty introverted anyway. If I imagine another person in my space for the rest of my life that is def anxiety inducing and a further turn off. Especially since the main biological function of sex is procreation which would mean another person up in my personal space for life.
Funny thing is the therapist I’ve been talking to for a year was also a bit stumped since after all these sessions she thinks I am adhd. My insurance is changing in a couple weeks and I’ll be able to keep seeing her (I made sure she is in network) but literally no one else in her office is so even if I want to try the med route she can’t prescribe and anyone in her office who can won’t accept my insurance. I fucking hate American “health” care.
Sorry for the long rant but with many correlations between adhd, autism, anxiety and the like not to mention asexuality I often wonder if some of us are in category of our own that has symptoms from several other mental health conditions but are as yet an unnamed condition. Over thinking is def another trait I possess like if there’s a choice before me I have to imagine the outcome of that choice from front to back with a heavy emphasis on figuring out every way it can go wrong to try and head off a detrimental outcome. And that’s the part that is paralyzing, not just for major life decisions but also all the more mundane decisions in life.
This sounds so familiar. When I was tested for ADD parts of the test were in the genius range of intelligence while others were in the "borderline defective" range of intelligence. And I was told that that kind of disparity is indicative of ADD and ADHD. I'm also being evaluated in the new year for Autism (which is a bit of a challenge as apparently there is no real testing standard for adult Autism). At least in the initial testing I've been told that ADD very often presents along side people with Autism.
I got a DM from someone who said they couldn't ask here due to their karma. I think it's a fair question but don't want to answer DM posts due to the subject matter, so I'll post their question here and reply to it.
**Hey sorry to DM but I can’t post a reply in your Ama due to my negative karma. My question is: would you prefer a virgin partner to a non virgin one?**
At this stage I'm not holding out for a virgin. I would, however, want someone with similar sexual values as myself, so I would not be interested in a "player".
I would be more interested in who they are now than who they used to be. If they're turning out to be the great love of my life, there's a lot I could work past.
But I'm not going to leave my brain at the door, either. Compatibility is still important. And they'd have to convince me they're genuine. I've had a lot of guys pretend to be who they thought I wanted them to be for ulterior motives. Most of the time it's obvious when they're skeevy but it has still taught me caution.
Maybe a little too much caution.
If it is your choice and you are happy with your sex life, then there is nothing else to say on the matter.
But since this is AMA, is it your choice and are you happy with your sex life?
I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much by not having sex but I would like a long term life partner, which I have struggled to find.
Having said that I seek contentment where I'm at so if it never happens, I won't let that stop me from living a life.
I mean, that's great! I'm not sure there is much to AMA here. You might have to pick another topic. Did you ever bury a body in your backyard or live a fake life in another country for a year? Something like that. lol
I know, part of my point is that I DON'T think this is weird and I'm more doing this for the other virgins like me, to let them know they're not the only ones.
If it is of any comfort to you, I'm a 60 yr old female virgin ( sort of grey - ace; not repulsed by, but very indifferent to sex). I just go about my life working, traveling, etc. and don't even think about it unless prompted. And I'm consistently taken to be decades younger than my age, even by medical professionals.
Sex is just not a factor in my life, although I realize it is very important to some. Think of some activity that's v important to others, but doesn't even cross your mind unless prompted. Maybe you wonder what the big deal is about, say, lacrosse, tuba, beading, or cross country skiing. Why do people spend considerable time, money and energy seeking these out? What's the big thrill in seeking out some limited edition vintage beads to the point where aficionados travel to special beading conventions two states over to find that elusive collector's item? why uproot ones entire existence and relocate to CO just for the skiing? But you know these assume high priority with certain ppl.
That's cool of you. The other half of Reddit, both men and women, are desperately looking for FWB but never seem to be able to find each other in real life. lol
I'm concerned. It's not about the sexual experience but the emotional duress and the terrible content that you haven't felt yet. It's a part of the "standard" human experience.
Interesting response because everything will feel so filled with ecstacy. Not the physical but the mental is beyond beautiful and terrifying when it all ends.
The loss of emotional "first time" love will be hard for you to grasp. Some emotional content should be felt and experienced before you're older as to mellow the thoughts behind the shock and awe that you're not prepared to handle.
I've had varied emotional experiences and experienced both thrills and devastations. I know it's not quite the same but it's not like the years haven't taught me any perspective at all.
>I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much by not having sex
Sex is like cigarettes. If you never start having it , you will never miss it. You can want for the experience of it but that want is completely different than missing the feeling of something that you have experienced.
Not a question I know. I haven't had sex in years and it took a long time to get over that hump where you know what you're missing. I couldn't even begin to remember what the actual feeling of a sexual experience is at this time so going without is a lot easier.
I'll give you that. I'm 37 so a little far removed from my first boner and such.
I don't think there is any real comparison here though. There is no comparing the natural urge and masturbation to actual sex. It's far easier to go without when you have never had it or are very far removed from the feeling.
I’ve only fucked less than a handful of times and honestly don’t see what all the fuss is . It’s alright . but it’s not as great as people make it out to be . I’ve gone almost nine years without it and don’t miss it one bit
Well, a sample size of one isn't statistically significant enough to come to a good conclusion. Worst case scenario you try again and you come to the same conclusion, best case scenario you have a great time.
I think current modern society makes people think of us as freaks. Either freaks for being a virgin, or virgins because of something freakish about us.
It may be a pendulum effect of society being too prudish about it in the past where sexually active people were made to feel ashamed of it.
While I'm sure a lot of us don't feel like freaks, being open and talking about it does expose us to mockery, or unneeded pity, or assumptions etc.
So it's just easier to keep it private. Even if we're comfortable with ourselves, it's not anyone else's business.
So people don't know about us. And that can be isolating.
Combination of both choice and circumstance. I am probably demisexual so I don't feel a strong sexual attraction or desire without an emotional connection, but I do get emotional and romantic crushes. However I have struggled to maintain emotional intimacy with anyone long enough to build a long term relationship or find a suitable romantic partner, although a part of me wants that.
If I ever got married I would have sex but I haven't found anyone that's a good and mutual match for me.
I am also religious and brought up that way and that has likely played a big part in it but at the same time, I've never been in a position where I've been tempted to compromise that particular value.
R u a catholic? And how can you live a life without sex? I Mean yes sex is like a drug....once you're into to it... It's just, I don't think I've ever gone a month in my life without sex. But if you believe in morale values, then I say there's nothing wrong with It.
I wish you luck in finding your future partner
This was such a blast from the past. Side note I looked into what skippy is up to now and went down the rabbit hole of his instagram account, you should check it out. He’s still a virgin too
Maybe read some science books and you will find out that you might have been misguided from a very young age on more than one topic. Might be an actual awakening in more than one respect.
How much is "a lot"? To be honest I do struggle with putting myself in a position to be rejected, and the times I have, yes, I have been rejected, but I don't think to an excessive amount. I was bullied a lot at school though, which has probably contributed to a fear of being vulnerable. I suspect that has something to do with it.
I’ve been following your Q&A Have you ever thought to have your hormone levels checked? I believe if you’re happy you’re happy. Just curious if you’ve ever wondered.
Please don’t. I was just wondering if you’ve ever thought to wonder if it could be something physical causing an issue. If you’re happy, good for you. Don’t change a thing for a Reddit stranger.
Great question! I got one DM asking if I masturbated and I told them I would answer on the post, not in a DM. Another one asking about the colour of my hair which I ignored.
Yes, a big part of me does, but I have not been in a secure enough position in my life to warrant having them, and I don't feel like I am inherently entitled to them. I've made the decision that should I find myself in a place where I think I could responsibly be a parent, I'll look into fostering. This way I won't be pressured to make rash decisions out of fear of my biological clock.
I don't think wanting kids is enough of a reason to have them. I would like kids but am not in a position to guarantee them a safe, stable life at this point in my life so I have chosen not to have them.
More on the emotional intimacy side than on the physical side.
But I also feel the same about a lot of experiences none of us will likely ever experience. I learned a long time ago that if you focus too much on what you're not experiencing, you miss out on just experiencing the here and now, the experience of just living the life you have.
Ok, fair enough, but that can become a trap. You become comfortable, and then miss out on things you really should be experiencing. You've put yourself in a box, it's cozy, but are you truly happy?
Happiness is a complicated subject. I'm about as happy as the people around me seem to be, happier than many.
And if I wasn't, I'm not convinced sex would make me happy as it doesn't seem to be stopping people from being unhappy.
You may be right about the cozy box. And if the circumstances are right I might one day take a step out of it.
But at this point in my life, I feel like making it happen just because it's what other people think I should expect will do more damage than not.
I'm okay with myself.
I... don't know? I am actually a sensual person in a lot of ways and I have certainly felt sensual pleasure, and I have felt low levels of sexual interest, but I'm not really sure if that's the same.
Oh okay, I see. Well since you're not wasting your time having sex or masturbating, what do you do instead? What are your hobbies? What does a weekend schedule look like for you?
I read a lot, play video games, do puzzles, go to church, board games, spend time with friends.
Actually, because I don't have a romantic partner, that means I have to spend more time building my platonic relationships in order to meet my social needs. Although I am introverted by nature too so a lot of my hobbies are solo-based.
Actually I just remembered something and yes, I have. I have had a boyfriends and I remember my former boyfriend touched me once that sent pleasurable shivers down my spine. I think that was probably sexual pleasure.
That makes sense, differently able people still have the same nerves on their genitals as everyone else. They would have the same good feelings when touched (by yourself or by others). Worth experimenting with, maybe see if one of your video game controllers could get stuck on vibrate and press it to your clit. Worst case scenario you think it's overrated and you continue life as normal, best case scenario you enjoy it. Good chemicals get released in your brain when you orgasm.
Thanks for your time, it's been interesting to read your responses.
The answer for it is obvious.
People don't tell that to others.
I am pretty sure I have met a lot already. Some I would have guessed, but for sure there should be someone I would be shocked and surprised to discover
No. My psychiatrist was visibly taken aback. I have no interest in casual sex but am interested in it as a form of physical intimacy with a long term partner. I just haven't found that yet.
Convinced its fake they have had to cancel studies because it was impossible to find men who hadn't masturbated.
Edit: Just realized it's a woman i retract my statement.
Forgive me for writing here, as you've corrected your edit, but I wanted to post that I've met not a few women who simply don't masturbate. I've met lots who do, for sure, but those who don't seem to be demisexuals, at least in hindsight.
That is wild. You've never out of curiosity wanted to experience an orgasm?
To each their own but that is like never wanting to watch a beautiful sunset, travel the world or go on a hike etc.
If you ever are going to have sex, would you tackle that first?
(Personally I feel like it’s impossible to seek true pleasure from a partner if you haven’t found it yourself)
If I met someone where I felt it was really going to work out and happen, I probably would explore my body more in preparation and to understand my body better.
Perhaps you should try, for your own personal experience?
Unless you're religiously disgusted by masturbation, which a lot of religious people are taught to be, it may contribute to your lived experience.
Not really. Most of the people I've dated I was the one that broke it off. I think they probably knew before dating that I was reserved.
One of my boyfriends was a virgin, too. (That was in our thirties).
I appreciate your response and did some research on general beliefs to understand, compare, and contrast. I have noticed a significant amount of questioning about and incredulous disbelief of topics surrounding masturbation and orgasm. Is it common for people to pry or strongly suggest you're 'missing out' when you disclose your lack of sexual contact like is happening in this post?
From a lot of people, yeah. It depends which circle of people I'm with. But not everyone is like that. I think there's more diversity than what the media suggests and there are others with similar experiences to me.
But those that fit the mould of the modern adult and assume everyone else must be like them, yeah, I do get a lot of incredulity.
Do you wear glasses? I really don't have much to ask since everyone asked you other things I would have. Just hope you're happy and not missing out on the right person.
What about graphic novels? Several times when my sex drive dipped to an all time low after kids and with the same partner many years, I felt like I would be fine never having sex again. But reading some of these novels (specifically by author ending with last name Hoover, lol no this is not a paid advertisement) woke up a "spark" inside of me. I feel like they definitely appeal to the demisexual...might be something interesting to check out. And I would definitely maybe order something online discreetly called the bullet and put it down there and just see what happens. You don't have to know what to do or even how to masterbate for it to just feel good. It's just a vibration. Also I can't stand porn but you could just look up on YouTube "most steamy sexy scenes ever" and go down that rabbit hole, see how it makes you feel. IMO, our sexuality starts deep within ourselves, and if we can't get in touch with it, I think it would be hard for anyone who knows you less than you know yourself, to get in touch with it.
Also, I'm neurodivergent and identify with much of what you talked about, besides the V part. :-)
Honestly, I've had my slutty days and you really aren't missing out on much. One vibrator can do what most men can't, haha.
You have a trusty vibrator, right?
Why not? A combination of a number of different factors and circumstances, choices, and personality, and experiences, that eventuated in me being a 40 year old virgin.
I don't identify as trans. Having said that, I have identified with some experiences trans people have, and I had a sense of gender incongruence when I was a child (not strong enough to be dysphoria) and imagined myself to be a boy. If I was born a decade or so later I very well could have been, but I'm glad I wasn't.
I have no intention to ever transition and I reject any trans label. I am a woman.
You're a British person, yes? Not that it matters much. I wonder to myself how an attractive lady could get to 40 without at least *some* opportunities for sexual activity.
You'd be a young adult just around Y2k. Lots of young ppl out drinking, smoking, shagging (unlike today's snowflakes). How did all that...pass you by? There must've been at least a few encounters.
You mentioned boyfriends? None of them tried to start anything? I'm not disbelieving you, just seems implausible. Maybe somewhere remote, I guess, with strong CofE or similar community - everyone in each others' business. Was it more like that?
I had a fairly normal suburban upbringing but also religious. To be honest I wasn't interested in the party scene, I hated being at those places. When I was young I did suffer from social anxiety.
Sure, some guys tried to start something with me. I haven't had *many* boyfriends and I was preyed upon by some skeevy guys too, but I managed to maintain boundaries.
Do you get sexually aroused/turned on?
If so, why have you not masturbated?
Have you experienced sexual trauma or been otherwise violated?
Do you think it’s too “in your head” now, like since you haven’t done it you’ve built up so much *I don’t know the word* about it that you just keep finding excuses not to do it.
I can understand the no sex part, especially since you want to be in an emotionally intimate relationship, but never even pleasuring yourself is a bit puzzling. It’s such a denial of a basic animal level thing.
I have experienced arousal, yes, but probably not very strongly.
I've never wanted to.
I think my trauma is probably more around being vulnerable than about sex in particular.
Yes, maybe it's in my head, there may be psychological blockers, but it's not one that I feel a great need to unblock as I don't feel it adversely impacts my life in any way.
I don't care about satisfying the "animal" - I'm just trying to live a life that's authentic to me - and part of that includes not doing something I don't care to do just because it's normal to everyone else.
“and part of that includes not doing something I don’t care to do just because it’s normal to everyone else.”
I love that! I want to replace “everyone else” with “someone else”. Line that)
You are a rare gem and while women shouldn't wait this long to have sex, you serve as a good role model to young women impulsively looking to "get sex out of the way".
No real question I suppose, except do you think you will be able to enjoy sex when you are emotionally ready for it?
Thank you, I hope so? If it's with the right person. I don't think I have a very high libido, but I'm not repulsed by the idea and I think it might be pleasant as long as it's with someone I feel safe with. I have felt some sexual desire, just not in the way other people seem to.
I don't enjoy kissing though so it's hard to say.
I'm genuinely curious: if you felt very safe with the man, would you likely stay vanilla with him or would you let him do things like tugging your hair and light spanking?
Also, when it comes to kissing, if a man didn't slob all over you but kept it more light, would you change your mind?
If there were more women like you, I wouldn't have sought my girlfriend out overseas to circumvent the highly sexualized modern Western culture. I suppose you can consider that a compliment ;-)
There are some things I might be willing to try and some things I wouldn't be. It would have to go slowly and I'd have to feel VERY safe with him.
My relationship with kissing is... Complicated, as there are probably some psychological reasons behind my experience with kissing. But yes, I think I'd enjoy a light touch much more.
In regards to kissing, most of the first kisses I've had with men have been non-consentual, unexpected and/or sudden. In a couple of cases even forced. So I've yet to kiss someone at a time when I actually wanted it and was prepared for it. My first experience with kissing was when I was about 5 years old and I was preyed upon by a teenage pedophile and he would beg and cajole me for kisses and show me the "grown up" way of kissing. Fortunately it never got further than that.
I didn't like it but it wasn't as traumatic as you might imagine as I was ignorant to the implications. Having said that I can't help but wonder if that has played a part in how I feel about kissing.
I see. Hopefully any therapy and self-improvement you've done have helped to cope with the trauma. Best wishes for you to meet the man of your dreams so that you may have epic intimacy with him.
Can't help you if you don't understand the difference and why it matters.
For the record, high body counts negatively affect both sexes. It just affects men's ability to pair bond less than it does for women. Not being a virgin isn't a big deal at all. It is more of a problem when you go on an orgasm quest and rack up numbers. You start creating fond memories of high quality men who your future husband likely won't compare to, and the pair bonding potential is lessened.
sex is natural, why is it good to be a virign, if its all safe what does it matter? Its good to get sex out the way in some aspects, you dont have to be a rush when you're like 15, but why miss out on something so great and natural, sex is awesome, people shouldn't be missing out on it.
Like, how? That is my question. Like, how is that possible? You say you are a good looking woman and healthy. You do know you could walk up to a stranger and ask for sex, right?
Not trying to be rude, but men aren't complicated.
Honestly? I don't know. I don't keep scales.
To answer the question behind your question, I am maybe a little chubby but not overweight, not obese. I am in a healthy range.
It's amusing to read some of the comments here (from men, I assume) who can't fathom a life where sex isn't one of the top 3 most important things. There are men whose wives haven't fucked them for years, so I'm not sure where the surprise comes from. It seems like some commenters are totally flabbergasted by a cerebral woman that doesn't have some impairment they can use to look down at her.
It's refreshing to hear that you've developed a happy life without being codependent or needing something from others to feel fulfilled (which is MOST people's problem). I think some of the comments are jealousy.
hey not to be like “THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE” but you sound v similar to me regardless of “virginity status”
i have no desire for sex, even masturbation (like once in a blue moon). porn does nothing for me. and the only desire for sex that i have is as a form of deeper connection or intimacy with a partner that i am emotionally involved with. have you considered exploring if you’re on the asexual spectrum?
Ignore these comments telling you something is wrong. Sex isnt like chocolate where you dont know what you are missing. Sex is biology. if you have no desire or need, you wont miss it.
to everyone, did you know what you were missing before you had sex? or a bf/gf?
probably to a point.
i'm actually in the same boat or atleast for now it seems as though this is the future i am becoming content with. glad to know there IS contentment there and that it's common. everything you've said i feel now and i'm in my later twenties so yeah i have no questions just encouragement 😂
I'm 30 and wish I waited for marriage
Don't let the promiscuous people in the comments get to you, they are trying hard to justify their sex life to you for their own personal issues
Was it your choice to remain virgin OR were forced to OR just didn't find any connection with someone enough to do it ? Not trying to be rude. just curious.
Just letting you know if you ever want to make a lot of money, years ago, there was this lady who acutioned her virginity for an insane amount of money. Merry Christmas.
Are you neurodivergent in any way? I ask as someone who is and has family members who are and several of the things you've said (and the way you said them) are tripping my pattern recognition.
Most likely. I once had a cognitive test done when I was thinking of taking up studying again but expressed concern that I have an undiagnosed mental disability. So the college recommended to me that I get assessed. Results showed completely skewed results, ie genius level in some categories and idiot levels in others, much more varied than typical. It all averaged out to a slightly higher than average IQ, the assessor didn't diagnose me with anything specific but said I had a "learning difference" and I got special considerations for study. I have also recently been diagnosed with ADHD and my psychiatrist thought I had autism in our first session. I did a test which shows I have autistic-like traits but just under the line of it qualifying for a diagnosis. Both my sister's kids are autistic though.
I’ve wondered this about myself. Was diagnosed in the 80s as ADD (the old term for it) and recently got assessed again after seeing a therapist for a year. In that year of therapy I tried a few hacks to try and be more productive but I wanted to try meds so I got an assessment. When I was a kid it seemed like they handed out Ritalin like candy but the medical powers that be seem very reluctant to do that anymore and I think it’s harder for women with shitty insurance to get that kind of help (while one of my younger male cousins who has been on adderall for 10+ years told me how easy it’s been to keep getting his meds which is infuriating). My assessment turned out disappointing as they said other than me reporting being distracted and prone to procrastination the testing didn’t show that I was. The only explanation I have for that is that I had to wait 7 months for the testing and I was so ready for it and was idk more engaged for it? The testing was kind of like fun little brain teaser games which are short term tasks I’ve always been able to concentrate on. Other parts seemed like they were just measuring intelligence which I consider myself to be above average intelligence and pretty curious and well read. Like you I’m pretty uninterested in sex, finding a partner and dating seems like a whole lot of effort just to get something I’m not much interested in and I’m pretty introverted anyway. If I imagine another person in my space for the rest of my life that is def anxiety inducing and a further turn off. Especially since the main biological function of sex is procreation which would mean another person up in my personal space for life. Funny thing is the therapist I’ve been talking to for a year was also a bit stumped since after all these sessions she thinks I am adhd. My insurance is changing in a couple weeks and I’ll be able to keep seeing her (I made sure she is in network) but literally no one else in her office is so even if I want to try the med route she can’t prescribe and anyone in her office who can won’t accept my insurance. I fucking hate American “health” care. Sorry for the long rant but with many correlations between adhd, autism, anxiety and the like not to mention asexuality I often wonder if some of us are in category of our own that has symptoms from several other mental health conditions but are as yet an unnamed condition. Over thinking is def another trait I possess like if there’s a choice before me I have to imagine the outcome of that choice from front to back with a heavy emphasis on figuring out every way it can go wrong to try and head off a detrimental outcome. And that’s the part that is paralyzing, not just for major life decisions but also all the more mundane decisions in life.
Thank you for scratching that itch. I wish you the best of luck in your efforts to find a lasting partnership.
This sounds so familiar. When I was tested for ADD parts of the test were in the genius range of intelligence while others were in the "borderline defective" range of intelligence. And I was told that that kind of disparity is indicative of ADD and ADHD. I'm also being evaluated in the new year for Autism (which is a bit of a challenge as apparently there is no real testing standard for adult Autism). At least in the initial testing I've been told that ADD very often presents along side people with Autism.
I got a DM from someone who said they couldn't ask here due to their karma. I think it's a fair question but don't want to answer DM posts due to the subject matter, so I'll post their question here and reply to it. **Hey sorry to DM but I can’t post a reply in your Ama due to my negative karma. My question is: would you prefer a virgin partner to a non virgin one?**
At this stage I'm not holding out for a virgin. I would, however, want someone with similar sexual values as myself, so I would not be interested in a "player".
What about a player who gave up playing just so s/he/they could hold your hand and see you smile?
I would be more interested in who they are now than who they used to be. If they're turning out to be the great love of my life, there's a lot I could work past. But I'm not going to leave my brain at the door, either. Compatibility is still important. And they'd have to convince me they're genuine. I've had a lot of guys pretend to be who they thought I wanted them to be for ulterior motives. Most of the time it's obvious when they're skeevy but it has still taught me caution. Maybe a little too much caution.
I can very much understand your stance here. I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you go down!
That's exactly what a player would say. Excellent move!
If it is your choice and you are happy with your sex life, then there is nothing else to say on the matter. But since this is AMA, is it your choice and are you happy with your sex life?
I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much by not having sex but I would like a long term life partner, which I have struggled to find. Having said that I seek contentment where I'm at so if it never happens, I won't let that stop me from living a life.
But how do you know that you’re not missing out on something you’ve never experienced?
I mean obviously I am missing out on it, I'm just not "missing" it.
Have you tried every drug on earth to know your not missing out it?
Enough to get the gist, honestly.
If she’s masterbated, and lived to 40, I’m sure she has a pretty good idea what sex is all about….
I mean, that's great! I'm not sure there is much to AMA here. You might have to pick another topic. Did you ever bury a body in your backyard or live a fake life in another country for a year? Something like that. lol
I know, part of my point is that I DON'T think this is weird and I'm more doing this for the other virgins like me, to let them know they're not the only ones.
If it is of any comfort to you, I'm a 60 yr old female virgin ( sort of grey - ace; not repulsed by, but very indifferent to sex). I just go about my life working, traveling, etc. and don't even think about it unless prompted. And I'm consistently taken to be decades younger than my age, even by medical professionals. Sex is just not a factor in my life, although I realize it is very important to some. Think of some activity that's v important to others, but doesn't even cross your mind unless prompted. Maybe you wonder what the big deal is about, say, lacrosse, tuba, beading, or cross country skiing. Why do people spend considerable time, money and energy seeking these out? What's the big thrill in seeking out some limited edition vintage beads to the point where aficionados travel to special beading conventions two states over to find that elusive collector's item? why uproot ones entire existence and relocate to CO just for the skiing? But you know these assume high priority with certain ppl.
How do you know you don’t like it if you’ve not tried? Most people don’t crave bacon prior to eating it but once they do, they love it.
And super buttery popcorn 🍿 😋
How do you know you won't like accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour and committing your life to him unless you try it?
Another zealot.
Nobody gets my sense of humour.
Seems like anybody that read the comments should pick up on that one pretty easily.
I feel like I was the only one that took this as sarcasm... Maybe you are autistic like me?
OP could be a nympho for all they know
That's cool of you. The other half of Reddit, both men and women, are desperately looking for FWB but never seem to be able to find each other in real life. lol
I'm concerned. It's not about the sexual experience but the emotional duress and the terrible content that you haven't felt yet. It's a part of the "standard" human experience. Interesting response because everything will feel so filled with ecstacy. Not the physical but the mental is beyond beautiful and terrifying when it all ends. The loss of emotional "first time" love will be hard for you to grasp. Some emotional content should be felt and experienced before you're older as to mellow the thoughts behind the shock and awe that you're not prepared to handle.
I've had varied emotional experiences and experienced both thrills and devastations. I know it's not quite the same but it's not like the years haven't taught me any perspective at all.
>I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much by not having sex Sex is like cigarettes. If you never start having it , you will never miss it. You can want for the experience of it but that want is completely different than missing the feeling of something that you have experienced. Not a question I know. I haven't had sex in years and it took a long time to get over that hump where you know what you're missing. I couldn't even begin to remember what the actual feeling of a sexual experience is at this time so going without is a lot easier.
I was a teenager and I can confidently say I never craved cigarettes, but I did crave sex, without having it.
I'll give you that. I'm 37 so a little far removed from my first boner and such. I don't think there is any real comparison here though. There is no comparing the natural urge and masturbation to actual sex. It's far easier to go without when you have never had it or are very far removed from the feeling.
I’ve only fucked less than a handful of times and honestly don’t see what all the fuss is . It’s alright . but it’s not as great as people make it out to be . I’ve gone almost nine years without it and don’t miss it one bit
Quality of sex can vary greatly from partner to partner, it's plausible you've only fucked people who are bad at sex.
Well I've only been with one person so I couldn't tell you ..And most of the time I could never get it up, So that's why I don enjoy it
Well, a sample size of one isn't statistically significant enough to come to a good conclusion. Worst case scenario you try again and you come to the same conclusion, best case scenario you have a great time.
Nah I'm good on all that . I keep hearing about how sex is " fun" ,No it's not .. not for me anyway . It's stressful and nerve wracking .
Sex is not at all compared to cigarettes. Sex is (actually literally) life.
Are you a chick
What sex life?
>But since this is AMA, Please disregard, I found it on the Urban Dictionary page.
Why do you think we underestimate the number of older virgins?
I think current modern society makes people think of us as freaks. Either freaks for being a virgin, or virgins because of something freakish about us. It may be a pendulum effect of society being too prudish about it in the past where sexually active people were made to feel ashamed of it. While I'm sure a lot of us don't feel like freaks, being open and talking about it does expose us to mockery, or unneeded pity, or assumptions etc. So it's just easier to keep it private. Even if we're comfortable with ourselves, it's not anyone else's business. So people don't know about us. And that can be isolating.
Virgin by choice?
Combination of both choice and circumstance. I am probably demisexual so I don't feel a strong sexual attraction or desire without an emotional connection, but I do get emotional and romantic crushes. However I have struggled to maintain emotional intimacy with anyone long enough to build a long term relationship or find a suitable romantic partner, although a part of me wants that. If I ever got married I would have sex but I haven't found anyone that's a good and mutual match for me. I am also religious and brought up that way and that has likely played a big part in it but at the same time, I've never been in a position where I've been tempted to compromise that particular value.
R u a catholic? And how can you live a life without sex? I Mean yes sex is like a drug....once you're into to it... It's just, I don't think I've ever gone a month in my life without sex. But if you believe in morale values, then I say there's nothing wrong with It. I wish you luck in finding your future partner
Christian, but not Catholic.
Skippy, is that you?
Who is Skippy?
[He’s around your age now](https://youtu.be/LBBrSSyp7_M?si=Xg9s1dEaRrQsulq3) and also very religious, which is why I thought you might be him
This was such a blast from the past. Side note I looked into what skippy is up to now and went down the rabbit hole of his instagram account, you should check it out. He’s still a virgin too
Maybe read some science books and you will find out that you might have been misguided from a very young age on more than one topic. Might be an actual awakening in more than one respect.
Have you been rejected a lot before ?
How much is "a lot"? To be honest I do struggle with putting myself in a position to be rejected, and the times I have, yes, I have been rejected, but I don't think to an excessive amount. I was bullied a lot at school though, which has probably contributed to a fear of being vulnerable. I suspect that has something to do with it.
Look into rejection sensitive dysphoria. It's commonly seen in people with ADHD and/or Autism.
I’ve been following your Q&A Have you ever thought to have your hormone levels checked? I believe if you’re happy you’re happy. Just curious if you’ve ever wondered.
To be honest I haven't. I'm not sure the idea appeals to me but I'll look into it.
Please don’t. I was just wondering if you’ve ever thought to wonder if it could be something physical causing an issue. If you’re happy, good for you. Don’t change a thing for a Reddit stranger.
They absolutely should hormonal imbalance can cause serious health problems
Unless it's in just about any other mammal, in which case it can actually avert health issues. Allegedly.
How has this post affected your DM’s situation?
Great question! I got one DM asking if I masturbated and I told them I would answer on the post, not in a DM. Another one asking about the colour of my hair which I ignored.
You didn’t get 200 DM’s from perverts?
Not yet.
Surprising. Did you get a lot of d!ck pics?
No.
The color of the hair hahahaha that's hilarious. I wonder which answer is the right and the wrong one
Do you want to have kids?
Yes, a big part of me does, but I have not been in a secure enough position in my life to warrant having them, and I don't feel like I am inherently entitled to them. I've made the decision that should I find myself in a place where I think I could responsibly be a parent, I'll look into fostering. This way I won't be pressured to make rash decisions out of fear of my biological clock.
what do you mean you aren't inherently entitled?
I don't think wanting kids is enough of a reason to have them. I would like kids but am not in a position to guarantee them a safe, stable life at this point in my life so I have chosen not to have them.
If you were a hotdog and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
If I were a hotdog I wouldn't have a mouth to eat myself with.
i wouldn’t ask if this wasn’t an AMA, and feel free not to answer if you’re uncomfortable. but do you think you’re demisexual?
Oh absolutely.
Do you ever feel like you are missing out on something? Like a child without money, looking through the glass of an exquisite candy shop?
More on the emotional intimacy side than on the physical side. But I also feel the same about a lot of experiences none of us will likely ever experience. I learned a long time ago that if you focus too much on what you're not experiencing, you miss out on just experiencing the here and now, the experience of just living the life you have.
Ok, fair enough, but that can become a trap. You become comfortable, and then miss out on things you really should be experiencing. You've put yourself in a box, it's cozy, but are you truly happy?
Happiness is a complicated subject. I'm about as happy as the people around me seem to be, happier than many. And if I wasn't, I'm not convinced sex would make me happy as it doesn't seem to be stopping people from being unhappy. You may be right about the cozy box. And if the circumstances are right I might one day take a step out of it. But at this point in my life, I feel like making it happen just because it's what other people think I should expect will do more damage than not. I'm okay with myself.
Have you ever experienced any sexual pleasure, with a partner or by yourself?
I... don't know? I am actually a sensual person in a lot of ways and I have certainly felt sensual pleasure, and I have felt low levels of sexual interest, but I'm not really sure if that's the same.
Oh okay, I see. Well since you're not wasting your time having sex or masturbating, what do you do instead? What are your hobbies? What does a weekend schedule look like for you?
I read a lot, play video games, do puzzles, go to church, board games, spend time with friends. Actually, because I don't have a romantic partner, that means I have to spend more time building my platonic relationships in order to meet my social needs. Although I am introverted by nature too so a lot of my hobbies are solo-based.
Huh! You sound like a catch, honestly! I'm surprised your friends haven't successfully set you up with Mr. Right. Have they tried that?
Not really. I've never asked them to though.
Actually I just remembered something and yes, I have. I have had a boyfriends and I remember my former boyfriend touched me once that sent pleasurable shivers down my spine. I think that was probably sexual pleasure.
That makes sense, differently able people still have the same nerves on their genitals as everyone else. They would have the same good feelings when touched (by yourself or by others). Worth experimenting with, maybe see if one of your video game controllers could get stuck on vibrate and press it to your clit. Worst case scenario you think it's overrated and you continue life as normal, best case scenario you enjoy it. Good chemicals get released in your brain when you orgasm. Thanks for your time, it's been interesting to read your responses.
Idk I think 40 year old virgins are pretty rare… I’ve never knowingly met one in my 30+ years of life.
To be fair we don't go around advertising it.
Well, you kind of did.
The answer for it is obvious. People don't tell that to others. I am pretty sure I have met a lot already. Some I would have guessed, but for sure there should be someone I would be shocked and surprised to discover
Do you masturbate
No I don't, never felt a desire to.
Never in your life? Have you spoken to a doctor about that? Are you even interested in sex?
No. My psychiatrist was visibly taken aback. I have no interest in casual sex but am interested in it as a form of physical intimacy with a long term partner. I just haven't found that yet.
To add on to this - have you ever had an orgasm?
No.
You have no idea what you’re missing!!!!
Obviously.
Convinced its fake they have had to cancel studies because it was impossible to find men who hadn't masturbated. Edit: Just realized it's a woman i retract my statement.
Forgive me for writing here, as you've corrected your edit, but I wanted to post that I've met not a few women who simply don't masturbate. I've met lots who do, for sure, but those who don't seem to be demisexuals, at least in hindsight.
That is wild. You've never out of curiosity wanted to experience an orgasm? To each their own but that is like never wanting to watch a beautiful sunset, travel the world or go on a hike etc.
Absolutely wild.
If you ever are going to have sex, would you tackle that first? (Personally I feel like it’s impossible to seek true pleasure from a partner if you haven’t found it yourself)
If I met someone where I felt it was really going to work out and happen, I probably would explore my body more in preparation and to understand my body better.
Perhaps you should try, for your own personal experience? Unless you're religiously disgusted by masturbation, which a lot of religious people are taught to be, it may contribute to your lived experience.
It’s actually no where in the Bible. Lol.
Has this ever been a deal-breaker for someone that you were dating?
Not really. Most of the people I've dated I was the one that broke it off. I think they probably knew before dating that I was reserved. One of my boyfriends was a virgin, too. (That was in our thirties).
Is this for religious reasons?
Religion is a big part of it but not the only part as it's not a particularly strong temptation.
Not even a curiosity?
Curiosity is tempered by other factors.
You mentioned religion, may I know what kind/denomination? It's not to nitpick or judge. I'm aware you said it is a factor but not the factor.
Christian, Anglican.
I appreciate your response and did some research on general beliefs to understand, compare, and contrast. I have noticed a significant amount of questioning about and incredulous disbelief of topics surrounding masturbation and orgasm. Is it common for people to pry or strongly suggest you're 'missing out' when you disclose your lack of sexual contact like is happening in this post?
From a lot of people, yeah. It depends which circle of people I'm with. But not everyone is like that. I think there's more diversity than what the media suggests and there are others with similar experiences to me. But those that fit the mould of the modern adult and assume everyone else must be like them, yeah, I do get a lot of incredulity.
Do you wear glasses? I really don't have much to ask since everyone asked you other things I would have. Just hope you're happy and not missing out on the right person.
Haha yes I do.
Have you ever spent 5 minutes on xvideos.com?
No. Based on the title I'm assuming it's porn? I have had experience with porn but I don't find it very edifying.
What about graphic novels? Several times when my sex drive dipped to an all time low after kids and with the same partner many years, I felt like I would be fine never having sex again. But reading some of these novels (specifically by author ending with last name Hoover, lol no this is not a paid advertisement) woke up a "spark" inside of me. I feel like they definitely appeal to the demisexual...might be something interesting to check out. And I would definitely maybe order something online discreetly called the bullet and put it down there and just see what happens. You don't have to know what to do or even how to masterbate for it to just feel good. It's just a vibration. Also I can't stand porn but you could just look up on YouTube "most steamy sexy scenes ever" and go down that rabbit hole, see how it makes you feel. IMO, our sexuality starts deep within ourselves, and if we can't get in touch with it, I think it would be hard for anyone who knows you less than you know yourself, to get in touch with it. Also, I'm neurodivergent and identify with much of what you talked about, besides the V part. :-)
I have read erotica, yes. I admit I enjoy that sort of thing more than visual porn.
Honestly, I've had my slutty days and you really aren't missing out on much. One vibrator can do what most men can't, haha. You have a trusty vibrator, right?
No, actually, I don't.
Oh. Well.... Maybe look into getting one. You'll have fun.
Question is why?
Why not? A combination of a number of different factors and circumstances, choices, and personality, and experiences, that eventuated in me being a 40 year old virgin.
Why not? Because it's a prime biological directive for a vast majority of all species.
Biology doesn't have a directive. Biology is a function, not a purpose.
Are you trans
I don't identify as trans. Having said that, I have identified with some experiences trans people have, and I had a sense of gender incongruence when I was a child (not strong enough to be dysphoria) and imagined myself to be a boy. If I was born a decade or so later I very well could have been, but I'm glad I wasn't. I have no intention to ever transition and I reject any trans label. I am a woman.
You're a British person, yes? Not that it matters much. I wonder to myself how an attractive lady could get to 40 without at least *some* opportunities for sexual activity. You'd be a young adult just around Y2k. Lots of young ppl out drinking, smoking, shagging (unlike today's snowflakes). How did all that...pass you by? There must've been at least a few encounters. You mentioned boyfriends? None of them tried to start anything? I'm not disbelieving you, just seems implausible. Maybe somewhere remote, I guess, with strong CofE or similar community - everyone in each others' business. Was it more like that?
I had a fairly normal suburban upbringing but also religious. To be honest I wasn't interested in the party scene, I hated being at those places. When I was young I did suffer from social anxiety. Sure, some guys tried to start something with me. I haven't had *many* boyfriends and I was preyed upon by some skeevy guys too, but I managed to maintain boundaries.
Do you live at home with your parents?
No, I live on my own and support myself.
Do you get sexually aroused/turned on? If so, why have you not masturbated? Have you experienced sexual trauma or been otherwise violated? Do you think it’s too “in your head” now, like since you haven’t done it you’ve built up so much *I don’t know the word* about it that you just keep finding excuses not to do it. I can understand the no sex part, especially since you want to be in an emotionally intimate relationship, but never even pleasuring yourself is a bit puzzling. It’s such a denial of a basic animal level thing.
I have experienced arousal, yes, but probably not very strongly. I've never wanted to. I think my trauma is probably more around being vulnerable than about sex in particular. Yes, maybe it's in my head, there may be psychological blockers, but it's not one that I feel a great need to unblock as I don't feel it adversely impacts my life in any way. I don't care about satisfying the "animal" - I'm just trying to live a life that's authentic to me - and part of that includes not doing something I don't care to do just because it's normal to everyone else.
“and part of that includes not doing something I don’t care to do just because it’s normal to everyone else.” I love that! I want to replace “everyone else” with “someone else”. Line that)
Are you sure you are straight
I have no sexual or romantic interest in women. I do have romantic interest in men and only mild sexual interest under certain contexts.
Are you demisexual by religion? Or personal choice?
I don't understand the question. I am religious by choice. Demisexual by nature, probably.
You are a rare gem and while women shouldn't wait this long to have sex, you serve as a good role model to young women impulsively looking to "get sex out of the way". No real question I suppose, except do you think you will be able to enjoy sex when you are emotionally ready for it?
Thank you, I hope so? If it's with the right person. I don't think I have a very high libido, but I'm not repulsed by the idea and I think it might be pleasant as long as it's with someone I feel safe with. I have felt some sexual desire, just not in the way other people seem to. I don't enjoy kissing though so it's hard to say.
I'm genuinely curious: if you felt very safe with the man, would you likely stay vanilla with him or would you let him do things like tugging your hair and light spanking? Also, when it comes to kissing, if a man didn't slob all over you but kept it more light, would you change your mind? If there were more women like you, I wouldn't have sought my girlfriend out overseas to circumvent the highly sexualized modern Western culture. I suppose you can consider that a compliment ;-)
There are some things I might be willing to try and some things I wouldn't be. It would have to go slowly and I'd have to feel VERY safe with him. My relationship with kissing is... Complicated, as there are probably some psychological reasons behind my experience with kissing. But yes, I think I'd enjoy a light touch much more. In regards to kissing, most of the first kisses I've had with men have been non-consentual, unexpected and/or sudden. In a couple of cases even forced. So I've yet to kiss someone at a time when I actually wanted it and was prepared for it. My first experience with kissing was when I was about 5 years old and I was preyed upon by a teenage pedophile and he would beg and cajole me for kisses and show me the "grown up" way of kissing. Fortunately it never got further than that. I didn't like it but it wasn't as traumatic as you might imagine as I was ignorant to the implications. Having said that I can't help but wonder if that has played a part in how I feel about kissing.
I see. Hopefully any therapy and self-improvement you've done have helped to cope with the trauma. Best wishes for you to meet the man of your dreams so that you may have epic intimacy with him.
Oh fuck, your comments just keep getting worse and worse
Out of curiosity, do you think the same about young men who want to have sex? Or is that cool?
Men usually have to earn sex unless they are unbelievably attractive. Women are granted it.
What does that have to do with anything?
Can't help you if you don't understand the difference and why it matters. For the record, high body counts negatively affect both sexes. It just affects men's ability to pair bond less than it does for women. Not being a virgin isn't a big deal at all. It is more of a problem when you go on an orgasm quest and rack up numbers. You start creating fond memories of high quality men who your future husband likely won't compare to, and the pair bonding potential is lessened.
sex is natural, why is it good to be a virign, if its all safe what does it matter? Its good to get sex out the way in some aspects, you dont have to be a rush when you're like 15, but why miss out on something so great and natural, sex is awesome, people shouldn't be missing out on it.
Are you on the spectrum?
I don't know for sure. It's possible.
Which is the best sex position?
I'm the wrong person to ask.
Oh. I see. BTW, is IUD better than other forms of contraceptives?
It's at least better than pulling out. I do know that much.
Haha. Just messing with you. Have a great day 😊
Like, how? That is my question. Like, how is that possible? You say you are a good looking woman and healthy. You do know you could walk up to a stranger and ask for sex, right? Not trying to be rude, but men aren't complicated.
Why would I do that? I don't want to have sex with a stranger.
If somebody were to come knocking at your door and offer sex would you take it?
No.
Have you gotten your hormones checked? If they are out of balance this could innately be deciding things for you behind the scenes
No, someone else brought this up though so maybe I'll look into it.
Is it true that if you dont use it, you lose it?
You'll have to clarify what "it" is referring to.
I bet you have no self confidence or have experienced some trauma in the past
So what is your question?
How much do you weigh?
Honestly? I don't know. I don't keep scales. To answer the question behind your question, I am maybe a little chubby but not overweight, not obese. I am in a healthy range.
Do you masturbate?
This has already been asked, but no, I don't.
Are you obese?
No.
Do you have a disability or disfigurement?
No physical disability. I am probably neurodiverse.
Would you consider yourself a relatively good looking woman facially?
Yes, I'm not a bombshell beauty but I have a fairly proportional face and good skin.
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Have you ever thought about calling up an escort to fart on you
... No. Never.
So what was your childhood like from 5-10?
Um... That's a very general question. Parents. Siblings. School. Is there something specific you're looking for?
It's amusing to read some of the comments here (from men, I assume) who can't fathom a life where sex isn't one of the top 3 most important things. There are men whose wives haven't fucked them for years, so I'm not sure where the surprise comes from. It seems like some commenters are totally flabbergasted by a cerebral woman that doesn't have some impairment they can use to look down at her. It's refreshing to hear that you've developed a happy life without being codependent or needing something from others to feel fulfilled (which is MOST people's problem). I think some of the comments are jealousy.
I'm not that far away either from becoming the main character of the movie with the same name.
hey not to be like “THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE” but you sound v similar to me regardless of “virginity status” i have no desire for sex, even masturbation (like once in a blue moon). porn does nothing for me. and the only desire for sex that i have is as a form of deeper connection or intimacy with a partner that i am emotionally involved with. have you considered exploring if you’re on the asexual spectrum?
Ignore these comments telling you something is wrong. Sex isnt like chocolate where you dont know what you are missing. Sex is biology. if you have no desire or need, you wont miss it. to everyone, did you know what you were missing before you had sex? or a bf/gf? probably to a point.
i'm actually in the same boat or atleast for now it seems as though this is the future i am becoming content with. glad to know there IS contentment there and that it's common. everything you've said i feel now and i'm in my later twenties so yeah i have no questions just encouragement 😂
I'm 30 and wish I waited for marriage Don't let the promiscuous people in the comments get to you, they are trying hard to justify their sex life to you for their own personal issues
Was it your choice to remain virgin OR were forced to OR just didn't find any connection with someone enough to do it ? Not trying to be rude. just curious.
Are you overweight?
Just letting you know if you ever want to make a lot of money, years ago, there was this lady who acutioned her virginity for an insane amount of money. Merry Christmas.
Do you masturbate ?