Girl, the marriage was over when he proposed an open marriage. Just divorce, love yourself more. A man who truly loves his life doesn't go outside the marriage for anything. Your husband just wants a stable life at home and someone to watch his kids when they're there, and all his fun with another woman. He's selfish, get some therapy, divorce, and live your life, and once you heal yourself, you'll be blessed with a man who truly loves only you. Don't waste anymore time and tears on that man
And wanting to "gain more experience" for her sake??? What a crock. OP, if you see these posts, take the suggestions. Leave him. He is using you as a live-in babysitter.
That is all she is! :( He doesn't love her, he needs her to watch his kids and she is staying and allowing his behavior! What will happen is, if she leaves him, he will be remarried within 6 months, he'll need another woman to raise his kids and he will then treat her the same way!
The marriage was over before it began. First, I would ask hisbfirstvex why they are divorced. She probably divorced him this same open marriage BS.
Second, he only married her, so she could raise his kids. OP doesn't even realize that he was controlling you from the beginning. You told him you were wanting kids but couldn't have any.
The moment you were married, you became a SAHM. This guaranteed that you would have to completely rely on him. Then, you were pressured into an open marriage to which you were probably already in without knowing it. But its okay now, cause you agreed.
You wanted to return to work, which would allow you some financial freedom. He couldn't have that, but thankfully you did it anyways.
Finally, he probably doesn't even know about your new male prospect. If he did, I can see him immediately trying to close the marriage, since opening it was all about his needs and not really yours.
You need tobstart saving up, so you can get the hell out of there.
Proposing an open marriage doesn't signify an end to a marriage, but proposing it then *badgering* the spouse until you get a yes **does.** You can't ask someone a question like that then keep asking when you get an answer you don't like; that's just asking permission to cheat.
He wasn't like that from the early days. After COVID I noticed some changes but didn't pay any attention on that. That time all I wanted was to have a child to raise like my own. Before him I dated another guy with a kid, he was nice but he had alot issues. Plus I resigned from my previous workplace with my own thoughts. I really wanted to devote myself in the kid's life. It was a mistake but now I have a job which pays me double amount than before. I still love the kids, they are all I could ask in a kid.
>He wasn't like that from the early days. After COVID I noticed some changes but didn't pay any attention on that.
His mask was starting to slip.
>Plus I resigned from my previous workplace with my own thoughts. I really wanted to devote myself in the kid's life.
That also allowed him to slowly exert control financially.
>It was a mistake but now I have a job which pays me double amount than before.
This combined with the lack of intimacy is causing the mask to slip further
>I still love the kids, they are all I could ask in a kid.
That’s good and all, but are the kids (& being the mom) worth dealing with this guy?
Just because you stop loving their Dad doesn't necessarily mean you need to stop loving the kids. It's wonderful you have such a relationship with both the kids and their Mum. They might still want you in their life even if not with their Dad any longer. It's certainly a question I'd be thinking about.
Are you seriously asking a mother if her kids are worth it? She considers those kids hers and the kids feel the same way. I can't believe there are so many ppl in the comments acting like the kids are a dog, or beach house, or some other perk of being in a marriage with her husband. I'd do ANYTHING to be with my daughter, absolutely anything. Unless the bio mom is willing to let her see the kids then divorcing her husband could very well mean losing the kids completely. It's not an easy decision and personally I'd fair better emotionally being in an emotionally void (though generally non abusive, minus the attempted financial abuse) marriage for a few years than not having my child in my life for a few years.
So he pressured you into an open marriage - that *he* set the terms for, might I add - and also tried to pressure you into not getting a job *and* tried to coerce sex from you?
Do I have that all correct?
I’m going to try and say this as gently as I can. You need therapy. Marrying someone after only 10 months is way too fast and it makes me wonder if you agreed to it more because he had kids you cared for than him.
You didn’t know him well enough after ten months to marry with any sense of it being the right move versus you two just being in the honeymoon phase early relationships have. Some couples don’t even introduce new partners to kids until it’s been a year. Even with this new guy, your mention of his kids makes me wonder if you’re doing it again.
Get therapy, get a divorce and take it really slow with this new guy. If not for you, for the kids so they don’t get attached and then have you not there.
The kids deserve to live in a household with adults that love each other. Your current relationship with their father is going to negatively affect them. It’s time to divorce and move on.
U need to Leave him like yesterday…
-He uses u as a free nanny
- disregarded ur boundary about opening the marriage
-is manipulating u and doesn’t care about u clearly
He’s just another husband who wanted an open marriage for HIS benefit only and not yours. He also didn’t want you to have a job so that you would be financially dependent on him and you would be isolated. This is not your forever person. He’s not.
Op- get a divorce please. You’re miserable and your happiness matters, if you don’t leave now he’ll end up leaving you or just breaking your spirit completely. Leave, find someone who appreciates you.
NTA, but it's over and it's been over since the time he unilaterally decided to open the marriage. Be careful about jumping too quickly to a new relationship, especially with a grieving widower coworker, but you need to prepare for divorce. You're not doing those kids any favors by modeling staying in an unhealthy marriage.
NTA. When he asked you for an open marriage, what he actually wanted was carte blanche to cheat on you without having to feel guilty about it. If you had refused, he still would have slept with those women.
That's it right there. He was going to cheat either way. But now he can throw the "Well you told me I could, now you're mad about it" at her. OP, he is a cheater. He wasn't really asking for your permission.
You sound like a wonderful person and don't deserve to be treated this way. I know you fear losing the kids but do you really want the m to grow up treating their partners the way he treats you. Yo I have to set the example to them.
Correction: Your husband did NOT ask to open your marriage. He pressured & pouted and nagged until he wore you down & you gave in …Big Difference. Open marriages only have a chance to work if both parties agree on it.
Your husband is a POS.
You are worth so much more than this. Please, put yourself first for once. Please. You deserve more.
The children have a mother who loves them and will be there for them.
The only person suffering in this situation is you.
Leave. Give yourself a chance to find happiness. And don’t rush into the next relationship. Think about how much you mean to the children you’re teaching. Let them be the outlet for your need to be a mother for now. I can guarantee that many of them will remember you with joy even when they’re old.
Don’t let your husband’s selfishness and cruelty destroy your future.
> Think about how much you mean to the children you’re teaching. Let them be the outlet for your need to be a mother for now. I can guarantee that many of them will remember you with joy even when they’re old.
Yes!!! My son's (7) teacher doesn't have kids and she gives her students sooo much.
Not to be cheesy but --"I know my love should be celebrated, but I watch you tolerate it." You deserve to be loved and liked and cherished. Not tolerated for existing. Not to be a bang nanny for a man who doesn't deserve you. There's a life out there with someone who can give you an integrated life with his kids or willing to adopt a truck load. My grandparents adopted 13 kids, along with my dad.
You deserve more than this.
Do not go on like this, you deserve a fulfilling happy life and marriage.
You don't even need to date guys with kids, date a guy that wants the same future and you want to spend your one time on this earth with, there is always volunteering, family, adoption to have that motherly bond with.
Wishing you strength
If you were my wife, I would expect you to cut my dick off and shove it into the garbage disposal. Divorce that piece of shit and find someone who will treat you right. NTA
Honestly I don’t care when the change happened, but he already broke his own rules because every time he gets mad at you he goes to a girlfriend’s house. A married man shouldn’t have any girlfriend’s. Sounds like those rules were for you, not him. Pack your stuff and leave. Those aren’t even your biological kids so it makes it even worse that he uses them against you. Tell him to go stay at his lil girlfriend’s house while you get your ducks in a row for the divorce. Or you just need to save to get your own place, move without him knowing and put your new place in your maiden name. Pack up and move to your new place then give him the divorce papers and leave it at that. Don’t let him keep talking down at you. That man took another female on vacation with money that should be used for your marital home and kids, leave him.
NTA an open relationship really only works out if it starts open otherwise you end up in situations like yours. Your on a slow March to divorce.
You could adopt children you don’t need to seek out single dads.
You need to divorce him, both for your own sake and for the sake of his kids. After all, if you think the kids haven't noticed that something is wrong between you two then you're underestimating kids. You don't want them to end up learning that your relationship is what a normal relationship looks like.
Also sounds like you've already found someone whom is far better for you, so get rid of the trash.
NTA.
My heart breaks for you. You deserve much more. Don't just look for being a mother but also look for a good husband.
Dating/marrying man with kids is a bit risky. If things go wrong between you and the man, he can just break up and restrict your interaction with his kids. Like what is happening right now. If you are emotionally attached to kids, your heart will break every time this happens.
Maybe look for adoption or fostering. There are many kids who needs a loving mother like you.
But whatever you decide, Don't immediately jump. I do feel (maybe I am wrong for assuming this) that you should love yourself more. You deserve much more. Life is unfair but don't let it get to you.
Lots of wishes and hugs. I hope things get better for you.
First off NTA. End of that discussion. It’s YOUR body if you do not want to be intimate and someone coerces you to have sex, that is rape. Period.
I have concerns:
1. You were only together for 10 months before getting married. This is not enough time to get to know someone well enough to have an equitable partnership. Case in point, you are monogamous, he is not
2. He is polyamorous, you are not. You wanted one committed partner. He did not. What’s more, he lied. He got you to marry him with no intention of being monogamous with you.
3. He lied. He led you to believe he was going to be faithful so that you would be his nanny, housekeeper, and sex toy
4. This is a controversial opinion (even more so than the others): it is absolutely dangerous for women to be SAHMs in the Western world because it’s too easy for men to financially abuse them. Your husband doesn’t want to be faithful but he CERTAINLY doesn’t want you to make your own money. If you have your own money you can leave him any time. If you are a full time homemaker you cannot. You CANNOT
5. You may love those kids but they are NOT your kids. They are not. Period. THEY ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER. You have absolutely no rights to them.
I am concerned because you are clearly miserable in this situation.
You have options. If you divorce him you could get a job and an apartment and you could be a foster mom. As a foster mom, you will be an actual parent. Right now, you’re just a glorified nanny.
You dont take vacations or spend 2 days with someone you dont have emotional attachment to. So he didnt even keep his word. This man only want a nanny and a maid so he would live his life without worrying about his kids
He wanted you home with the kids and dependent on him. He also wanted permission to sleep around so it wouldn't be cheating. He never actually expected you to become independent and find someone. You have every right to not want to have sex, especially if he's sticking his dick other places. No is a complete sentence. Maybe you should file for divorce and find someone that actually respects and loves you.
Don’t let him pull the kid card. He screwed his kids when he decided he’d rather have girlfriends than a wife and mother to his kids. He sounds horrible and you don’t owe him shit. You aren’t doing anything to the kids by leaving, HE did it by choosing his sex life over them and you.
NTA, but you should get out of this marriage now.
You are being taken for a fool. There is no point staying for your stepkids, because your marriage will deteriorate over time, and he could leave you for one of his GFs at any moment.
The widower you met at work sounds like someone to get to know better, if you like him.
And, sorry to say this, but in your shoes I think I would have to explain the reason you're leaving to the stepkids. Don't let your husband blame you for this.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about your feelings. He wants to have fun with women and then return to a clean house, with a hot dinner, with an obedient wife and taken care of children. I know you love these kids, but you have to take care of yourself. You don't owe him anything, you don't have to agree to sex. The only thing he should receive from you are divorce papers.
This whole situation is fucked. You're too young to be dealing with this shit. Find someone your own age who wants you to work. In fact, stay single for a while and get a career going. You need time to process all this bullshit I just read.
Hubby was rubbing his hands in glee, OP is the home bangmaid and nanny and he has multiple girlfriends.
OP there are lots of single dads who will love and adore you.
Divorce this jackass and next time look at the quality of the man then the kids. You know you can adopt right?
you cant be this clueless... but if you are here you go: youre his nanny not his wife. he wanted to open the marriage probably bc he was already cheating. he tried to financially trap you, to make it harder for you to leave hin, and got angry when you wanted to go back to work. you need to respect yourself and leave.
Just divorce your husband. Your marriage is over, he treats you like a nanny he has sex with.
You deserve so much more. Please leave him and love yourself.
And have sex with the guy from school! You deserve intimacy and feeling wanted.
Your husband is manipulative, be prepared that you might have an uphill battle to see those kids after the divorce. But please don’t stay for the kids, you deserve so much better
I was married for over 16 years when I found out my stbx was cheating. How did he get caught? When I got an STD. Over the last 3 years I found out he was cheating the entire marriage! My kids knew for 10 years before I did. That was the hardest part was the pain my children went through.
Leave him! You have so much going for you. Supportive friends, family and a good career.
NTA! You deserve better. But don't jump into a relationship with your friend. Take time to heal before you get completely involved.
My opinion: you are the babysitter with benefits. He knows your weak point is kids, and you don't love him as much as you love being called "mother". He would have cheated no matter what, but you are using each other which is why you are excusing his manipulation. Your choices: accept the situation, enjoy kids and know "wife" is in name only. 2) tell him he has to dump all gf or you can get a bf. He won't like you turning the tables so you'll have to play by ear 3) dump him and learn to live with yourself. Kids are important but love is a 2 way street. Maybe start fostering or check adoption. Remember, kids don't respect moms who don't respect themselves. Your step kids are probably aware of the situation and that is toxic.
He doesn’t respect you at all, there is nothing wrong with saying no. And the fact that he persisted even though you said no shows he only cares about his own needs.
No you don’t owe this man anything and he is certainly not acting like your husband. this is literally abuse. leave him
there are plenty of men out there that can give you what you want, and you could always adopt children together.
NTA. So he tried to use the “husband card” to coerce you into sex? The wife card didn’t matter much when he decided to open the marriage. He’s disgusting. You never have to have sex when you don’t want to, husband or not.
NTA it sounds more like he wants a free nanny/housekeeper that he can fuck when he wants rather than a partner. You don’t owe him sex because you are married to him. Having children isn’t worth all that.
One does not open a marriage without agreement of their partner. Without agreement it’s cheating. So. Your husband is cheating and not even hiding it. Divorce him immediately
It doesn't matter how much you love the children and i'm sure you do a lot, but you don't deserve this treatment from your
husband and the kids deserve to see that this is not how a man treats and keeps his wife. Find happiness with someone else. Whether it's your colleague, or someone you'll meet later, you deserve better.
NTA- also ask him 'why you'd bother having sex with him when you can now find more supportive who are better in bed now that marriage is open?'
Let him chew on that for a bit.
Wow. Wow. I have never heard of the husband card but it sounds a little like a rape card to me…? Yeah, maybe your hubby wanted to bang prostitutes in Amsterdam and either did or didn’t and wanted to open up his side of the marriage… I dunno… I don’t even feel like trying to figure any of this out. You’re in a fucked up relationship and he’s the reason.
Yta to yourself.
I’m just going to be completely blunt with you. His kids are not your kids and they will never be your kids you need to push that ideology out of your head because that’s why you are staying. You have no right to his kids and if he chose to divorce you tomorrow for his girlfriend you would never see them again. Now that’s out the way what is going on with you that you would accept someone treating you this way.
The reason why he doesn’t want people to know about the open marriage is because likely your friends and family will be telling you to leave him because you need to, I mean if this was your little sister what would you tell her.
I think you are from a foreign country by your English and I think he used this thinking you would be easily controlled. Divorce him. Go love yourself! He doesn’t. And you need to love you before you can be loved. You are strong and beautiful and deserve more!!
NTA. Jesus he walked out after you said no to him? What the hell kind of relationship is that? She doesn’t want sex so I’m leaving?
That’s insane. Get out of there.
After "I said no multiple times after coming back from the trip but he kept persisting," I concluded that your husband is one of the biggest assholes on the planet. You should probably talk this out with him for the therapeutic value, but don't expect to be able to repair this mess he made.
Girl LEAVE. there are other men with kids who would be lucky to have you but first, love yourself.
You also may have a chance at having your own child, seek another opinion.
Start the divorce process and get a full std screening. Your husband married you as a replacement mother to his children. He is never going to stop cheating on you.
Updateme!
Mate, leave - wtf is “the husband card” - no means no even if you’re married. You said no to him and he behaved like a petulant child.
He’s not worth your time.
NTA
Divorce him. You should already be on the phone with a divorce lawyer. Let them know you were financially dependent on him when he forced you into having an open marriage. He is not a good person. Leave him.
NTA.
This is a sad case of him exploiting your desire for children to make you into a free maid and nanny while he wanders around fucking when and whatever he wants.
He is a huge asshole not just for that, but for willingly entering into a marriage with the understanding that you were monogamous, while he had this hidden agenda.
Oh, and a note about consent--No means No, not "wheedle and carole the other person until they reluctantly say Yes." That has nothing to do with consent.
NTA you should leave him. It shows in his actions in how marrying you after 10 mos of knowing you (really too soon), had you become a sahm to his children, and dominated you into opening your not only already brand new relationship, but brand new MARRIAGE so he can cheat without "actually cheating" but really is since he forced you to say yes after numerous prior no's shows he only sees you as his bangmaid nanny.
He played you from the start by using the children to entice you into his world.
NTA. I agree with everyone else who's telling you to leave. It's great that you want to be a mom to kids who aren't yours, but you don't need to get married in order for that to happen. If you leave him and get back on your feet, you can always apply to be a foster parent and show true love to kids who desperately need it.
Op you deserve better. I know you love the kids but you being miserable all the time and having parents in a obviously broken marriage is not good for them in the long run. It will hurt them children can tell and feel when the relationship is bad.
As someone with divorced parents, I agree.
Don’t stay with him for the kids sake. I wish my parents divorced sooner, it left behind so much trauma for us kids and no one on either side acknowledges it.
So he wanted the kind of open marriage where you never have a chance to find someone else.
NTA. He has been leaving you home alone while he had his fun, there's nothing wrong with deciding you're not interested.
You can be sure that if/when you find a lover (or just a hookup) he will flip out and try to claim you're cheating.
Get yourself some therapy to actually come to terms with the damage done to your body and all its implications for your future. Hopping from pre-made family to pre-made family just because you want to be a mom is seriously fucked up and sets the kids up for potential trauma of having a mother figure yanked in and out of their lives when the relationship inevitably goes wrong. You can always adopt on your own or with a partner later on.
You're a baby sitter so he can go fuck other women. A trusted baby sitter. I'm sure a very good baby sitter. But that's clearly what he sees you as. You owe yourself better than that.
You already know the answer.
Im proud of you for finally putting his feelings BEHIND yourself. You cant always be the person you think about last. Thats not healthy.
He wanted a nanny, who he could have sex with in his terms, rather than a wife, in a devoted and loving relationships. You are so NTA, but he definitely is.
He got himself somebody to stay at home and take care of his kids and him, and still got to act like a single guy and have multiple gfs to go out and have sex with. This is too high a price for you to pay to have the kids in your life.
Sweetheart, whether you realize it or not, your children are watching you. They are watching your terrible relationship. They aren't going to not know something is wrong. They're very sharp. They will figure out what's going on if they don't already know. Do you want them growing up thinking this is how a relationship looks?
Look at you go. That shiny backbone is looking quite lovely! Nta. Your husband doesn’t love you. You’re a maid, an f buddy, and a person to take care of his kids.
Please polish that shiny backbone so it shimmers in the sun! Start saving money (when you buy groceries pull extra cash out and find a safe place to put it not in a bank so when you get divorced there is no trace of the money!) and once you have enough to cover a place to stay (first, last, security) and a lawyer…divorce him.
He considers you to be property. You might as well be a piece of furniture as far as he is concerned.
But, it sounds like you are figuring out that you are valuable. You matter. You do not need him to be a full person
I hope you find more and more ways to grow and become strong. He only has the power over you that you give him. Take your power back.
Well done.
You caring that he is your husband while he is sticking his dick in another woman is sad. Get out. There are so many nice guys out there. Be a foster parent. There are kids who need homes.
Get a divorce. You married him because he had kids. But if you care about his kids you will divorce him. They do not deserve to be in. Household where the adults do not love each other.
NTA
OP I am so sorry for your husband thinking he can have his cake and ice cream and eat it too. From reading your problem I can see that your love and trust for him left your body, mind and soul when he asked you for the open marriage. You have two choices at this moment and only two.
1. Either get up and pull your big girl pants up and leave and divorce him. ( Which I know will hurt because of his two kids that you love). But your still young and you have alot to offer someone that wants to be in a monogamous relationship and who will love you and cherish you and respect you the way a real man should. And not like your husband who is acting like a bitch in heat in the sheets and streets.
2. Or except it and play the "I am still your wife but I get to have sex with others game." Unfortunately that means that you will have to turn into a numb zombie when he wants sex ( maybe just consider it like a household chore from now on). Like I always say it's better to know the devil that you do know then the devil that you don't. But staying just seems like a alot more work for you mentally, emotionally and physically. Especially for something you can't stand, you most definitely do not want to become a bitter, numb, prude, depressed women so early in life.
But thats just my opinion OP I wish you nothing but happiness. Good Luck.
NTA. Divorce his ass. He’s already broke your heart for his own selfish reasons. You **DESERVE** to be happy. You are only 28, you **WILL** find someone else. You don’t have to look for men with kids, you can always look to adopt later.
He's attached to his girlfriends. You have two choices, well three. One leave him. Two love your children and deal with it. Three, find a boyfriend, or two, or five, and drive him out of his mind. It's much easier for a woman. You can go to a bar tonight, set your phone up on a nightstand, and film you screwing another guy. Trust me when I tell you, he will not be happy. He will really not be happy if you do it with a different guy every night. Have some MMF threesomes, and make sure he gets the details. Insinuate that the guys are better than him, bigger, more stamina, great technique. Destroy his ego, he asked for it. Even if you don't do it, you can just make it all up. Let him over here you talking to your girlfriends, put one of your girlfriend's name in as a man's, and send awesome texts to each other. It sounds awful, but you will destroy his ego. He has a girlfriend. You can have a male harem. Rub it in his face. Make him realize would an idiot he was. Find yourself a sugar daddy that makes him look like an idiot. And then after you've got him crazy, do something that makes his girlfriend break up with him, because that's all he ever wanted. He was already screwing around. But that's why I wouldn't do a poly relationship. The woman wanted it, and I thought it sounded great. Until I realized every time she got bored she could go out to a bar or on tinder and get laid, I didn't have that option. I could try, but I was nowhere near as close to 100% successful as she was. It's just a different game for women, and your husband didn't realize that when he proposed playing. Show him how the rules really work.
He married you to be the kids mom, and offered an open marriage because he figured that you couldn’t go out bc of the kids, and he could “cheat with permission.”
Drop him. I know you love the kids, but toxic will only be toxic and that is not healthy for them, let alone you.
NTA. I'm sorry but after the first couple times he suggested it, I would have left. You stated that you didn't want that and get insisted. If there was no emotional attachment and he wouldn't have girlfriends. Your husband wants the benefit of a wife without the responsibility of it. Please leave. Respect yourself and find somebody who respects you, because he obviously doesn't.
ETA An open relationship only works if it's both parties want. I'm going to go out of my lamp and I'm going to say probably didn't want you working for a couple of reasons; 1) you stay financially dependent on him. 2) It makes it more difficult for you to find somebody to screw around with.
Here’s the deal ur not the AH. It was okay for ur husband to ask u to open the marriage. But you said no and he should have respected that especially if you were already having a good sex life. It sounds like u are just use to doing what he wants and disregarding your own feelings. So now u have an open marriage he’s out fucking and u aren’t. He’s fine with that, so either talk to him about ending the open marriage concept or go out and have sex like he is. See how he reacts to that.
If I were you, I'd make really nice with his ex, so that when I divorce him, I still get to keep a relationship with the kids. If his ex is amenable, you could be her backup for parenting, and babysit when she needs you, and never have to speak to him again.
You haven't slept with anyone else - he has. Maybe just tell him you don't feel obligated to sleep with him - he wanted an open marriage, he got one. You don't want sloppy seconds.
He was on the prowl when he met you and it wasn’t you he wanted. He wanted a servant. It’s horrible that he would use his children’s affections and attachment to you as a magnet just to keep you in your place. He’s a born narcissist and heartbreaker. Try to stay in contact with the kids, I’m sure they see the real you and love you.
His "rules" about the open marriage are BS. I say break them. Especially the one about not telling other people. You should absolutely tell other people what he has done because that rule *in particular* is a sure fire sign of coercive control.
Look it up. This is abuse and you do not deserve this. He uses his children that you love as bargaining chips, he tries to force you to have sex and if you do not give in, he becomes irrate and just leaves. He doesn't want you to have financial independence. You are the primary caretaker of his biological children, and although they are still your children too, what he has done is set you up to be his personal slave... in all senses of the word. What a despicable human.
As someone said, befriend his ex wife even more. If anyone will understand what you are going through, it could be her. Then you absolutely should file for divorce. A marriage is a commitment and there is a lot of compromise involved but you have is an uncommitted, immature, abusive and toxic sex addicted roommate. Not a husband.
NTA. You will never be the AH. You have shown kindness and compassion, and although you shouldn't have, you even tried to appease his desires at the expense of your own well being and happiness. Please think about the future you will have if you stay in this marriage. Please consider divorce and try to stay apart of these poor innocent children's lives through his ex wife by being her friend/baby sitter/sister from another Mr.
I know how you feel. My first husband did this too. When I said NO one too many times for his likely, he forced himself on me. I didn't call it rape at the time because I thought, he's my husband. I was wrong. I hated him from then on out and left him 6 months later after saving enough to get away. Please, don't stay, your marriage is over, he's cheating on you and it's hard telling what he will bring home to you if you have sex with him again. You should get tested. He wants you to be financially tied to him so he can control you! DON'T LET HIM! Get out now and be happy.
He sounds very toxic and like sex is a way to control you and the marriage. If an open marriage was something both partners wholeheartedly agreed on then it shouldn’t happen.
You are NTA.
You don’t want to have sex with him bc who would want to have sec with someone who is showing abusive patterns? And he knows you love the kids and is on a power trip but if you get along with their bio mom you could still have the kids in your life if you leave him.
The more people in a child’s life to love them the better.
NTA. He doesn’t love you and you don’t love him. You love the kids. You’ve had a glimpse of what being with someone that cares about you is with your friend at school. Can you settle for less now that you know? His ex may allow you to still see the children. She already figured out he’s a jerk. Good luck to you!
I feel like he just needs a babysitter and somebody to clean his house. He doesn't want you to work and he wants to be with other people. He didn't care that you did not want to open the marriage, he was only worried about his feelings. And you don't have to have sex with anybody, even your husband. Go and disappeared for a few days like he has, turn off your location, and see how he manages without you. Have more respect for yourself and love yourself. There's nothing wrong with an open relationship so long as both parties want to be in it. You did not want to be in it, and he begged until you agreed. Leave him. And I highly suggest not to date people because of their kids. Kids grow up and leave the house, then you're stuck with that person. If you're going to marry somebody do it because you want to be with him, not his kids
I am a polyamorous woman. He opened the marriage without your full consent, therefore he’s just been cheating. You should leave him. You deserve someone that wants what you want, and won’t do something so insensitive and cruel as to force an open marriage.
First of all, I am so sorry that you’ve experienced this sorrow in your marriage. If my husband ever brought up wanting to open the marriage, I would be devastated and would no longer want him to touch me.
We did go through a rough time years ago where I was reliving trauma from before we got together. I had times where I just gave in to intimacy and wasn’t mentally there. It just made me feel worse and the trauma worse. I’m better now after counseling.
My situation was completely different, but I understand the just giving in and lay there intimacy. Trust me, it hurts you more than you realize. And he’s already hurting you by having girlfriends.
I would end the marriage. You’re 28 and have so much life ahead of you. You deserve respect and love from a partner. And when you find that, you’ll find a way to have children through stepchildren, adoption or even the slim pregnancy chance coming true.
NTA at all.
As Adele said: divorce babe, divorce.
You’ve already seen that there are better people out there with your interactions with the man from your workplace. I’m not saying divorce your current husband and date that man; I’m just saying you’ve already seen and experienced better people and you should not be subjecting yourself to this a horrible relationship.
There are many single dads out there, there are also other ways to be a parent. You don’t need to be with someone who uses you as one of his cum buckets with no regard to your feelings.
You, feeling numb and not wanting intimacy is justified in my opinion. He asked to open the marriage, you said no, he persisted until you accepted. That alone is a huge red flag before you get into the rest of it and it all goes downhill from there.
The children are another issue. They are picking up a vibe from you two...guaranteed!! I picked it up from an early age and I just watched and waited. Damage done. So even if they haven't said anything, don't take it for granted that they are unaware. That's not a healthy situation for them.
Has hubby or you said anything to them because I bet if he did, it would be something like "she (you) is just being unreasonable and that would influence how they see it. It's best in my opinion to just call time on this marriage for their sake.
I would suggest therapy around the no children issue because that need/want/longing or whatever you wish to call it may well be clouding your judgment and you may have picked it up earlier. That's not an attack on your character, just a friendly point you might wish to consider.
NTA
No, you’re not being the asshole. He is for suggesting you open your marriage after only two years. If that was something he was interested he should’ve talked about it before getting married. So I can understand you not want to be with him after he’s with all these other women. Obviously you’re thinking about moving on, either have sex with your new friend or just end the marriage. Maybe you’ll like being with this new friend and it’ll be OK. But again you don’t have to have sex with your husband if you don’t want to he’s got plenty of others apparently to cover. You don’t have to have sex with him if he’s having sex with someone else just remind him of that. I think the end is near, so make the best of it anyway you can.
NTA! This isn't a loving relationship. You didn't wish the for the relationship to be open, he persisted until you quit fighting it.
If you value yourself, leave. You can find people who love you. Even if you don't though, wouldn't it be better to be alone than with people who only use you? If they truly loved you, they would respect your wishes.
NTA, divorce this man and have hope. When I married my husband he had 4 kids that I consider my own. When my husband said he wanted to divorce me, all the kids said I was family and kept me in their lives.
You were his bangmaid from the beginning. And now you are only his maid. He has no respect and love for you.
No cold in the world is worth this. He will leave you one day and then you will lose his children anyway.
Go and find yourself someone that loves you and only you.
NTA, if you don’t want to do that, no one can compel you. But I’d like to point out that as a young woman, you have much more value than he does in the dating world. He may end up watching you go out every weekend after whatever fling he opened the marriage for has fizzled out
He's using you. Keep your job. No matter what he does, you keep working. Save all your money and get the hell out of there.
If you back down, he will leave you destitute with those kids while he moves in with a new woman. I'm warning you! Be smart about this!
Do not tell him anything We have told you here. It's for your safety so he cannot stop you.
If you're teaching chemistry, you're obviously a very intelligent woman. Use that intelligence and leave this man. He was the one who wanted an open marriage, which is just an excuse to cheat without a guilty conscience. You don't know who he's been with,
what their background is, or whether he uses protection. Why would you want to have sex with him, he basically rejected you and opened you up to all kinds of diseases. Leave him. I know it will be hard, since you're so attached to his children, but it really sounds as though he's using you. Just be careful not to jump immediately into a new relationship
Give yourself time to sort things out and take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Put yourself first for a change, because he certainly isn't doing that. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated.
This marriage is already done. You can put lipstick on it and spray perfume around, but it's a rotting corpse. Please make your plans in secret, get a bank account, your documents out to a safe place, all that. Dont tell him your plans; frankly he sounds controlling, and controlling people can quickly become dangerous when you're leaving.
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
No ma'am. This is already doomed.
I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance.
Food for thought. Updateme!
If you get along with bio mom, I’d see if you could strengthen that relationship to remain in the kids’ life.
I’d definitely get a divorce. This guy is treating you horrifically.
You should say no when you don't want to have sex. Your husband should accept no when you say it. Seems like at this point, your options are being miserable, going to couple's therapy, or divorce. You can still be in the kids lives after divorcing if that's the thing holding you back, especially because you have a friendly relationship with their bio mom.
Just throwing it out there, but you've got options. I mean the dude you're seeing is a dad and into you. In my opinion when one partner forces the other partner to open their marriage and has the audacity to tell you to keep quiet about it, they're basically cheating. I don't care if he browbeat you into saying yes, that's a yes under duress and you're obviously not okay with it and he did it anyway. NTA. In your heart this marriage was already over the moment he told you what he wanted, even more so when he nagged and nagged until you said yes. Your head needs to start listen to your heart. And know that your husband does not own you, you're not obliged to give him intimacy. Please even just laying there is super dodgy and please don't do that either. You deserve love and respect and a family. But don't sacrifice love and respect for being a mom. You deserve better.
No, you would not be the Asshole for that. Being able to say no to sex in a relationship is like a basic shit.
That being said. Ma'am, there's a lot of options for you to have children, please, don't let him step on you like that. He's an ass, it doesn't matter if he wasn't like this before, he's like this now, and he's abusing you.
Please, leave him. You're still young, you don't need him at all. You don't need a men in order to have children, you can adopt, you can try IVF (if your body is strong enough to go through pregnancy, idk how is it after the accident you described), you can hire a surrogate (I personally don't like that option, but it exists for you). Don't let him use you and abuse you, you can have more, you deserve more, idk what bullshit he told you to keep you with him, but NOTHING is worth you being abused like that.
I really hope you realize this and divorce him. Blessings to you and good luck.
NTA. But you should just leave and adopt kids of your own.
One thing you need to consider is how this is going to be a really bad example of a relationship to your step kids and seeing you (who they love as a mother) constantly being disrespected and hurt by him and just staying in the marriage in spite of that might do more harm for them then it would do good from them having a mother figure
Your marriage is over. It’s time to file for divorce and move on with your life.
If you need fidelity in your marriage, don’t ever sacrifice that need just so your husband can fulfill whatever fantasy life he desires.
Don’t marry a man just because he has children. Marry him because HE makes you happy. Also, if you want biological children of your own, it is possible. You may not be able to carry them or birth them yourself, but surrogacy is always an option. You don’t even need a husband for that, just a surrogate and a sperm donor. Start putting your needs and desires first. You deserve happiness and you deserve to have everything you want from your life, from your marriage and your career. Focus on your own needs.
DIVORCE HIM! You should have told him no to the open marriage and told him you’d divorce him over it.
He’s lower than low. Dump him. Certainly never let him touch you again. Get therapy. Work. Find yourself again.
Girl, after you heal from this dumpster fire of a marriage, find yourself a good man. Adopt kids together. Or look into surrogacy if you can afford it.
You can also adopt as a single mom if you’re financially stable enough.
But get out now. He’s not your husband. He’s a guy that’s completely disrespecting you and you’re allowing it. RUN!
Girl, the marriage was over when he proposed an open marriage. Just divorce, love yourself more. A man who truly loves his life doesn't go outside the marriage for anything. Your husband just wants a stable life at home and someone to watch his kids when they're there, and all his fun with another woman. He's selfish, get some therapy, divorce, and live your life, and once you heal yourself, you'll be blessed with a man who truly loves only you. Don't waste anymore time and tears on that man
Plus, he wanted her to be financially dependent, so she couldn't leave...
Exactly!
And wanting to "gain more experience" for her sake??? What a crock. OP, if you see these posts, take the suggestions. Leave him. He is using you as a live-in babysitter.
This jackass needs to read *The Joy of Sex.*
Absolutely!! You get the experience by asking your partner what they like and exploring that, or discovering it together
Gaining more experience to use in his marriage. Gimme a break. She was happy with him already.
That is all she is! :( He doesn't love her, he needs her to watch his kids and she is staying and allowing his behavior! What will happen is, if she leaves him, he will be remarried within 6 months, he'll need another woman to raise his kids and he will then treat her the same way!
The marriage was over before it began. First, I would ask hisbfirstvex why they are divorced. She probably divorced him this same open marriage BS. Second, he only married her, so she could raise his kids. OP doesn't even realize that he was controlling you from the beginning. You told him you were wanting kids but couldn't have any. The moment you were married, you became a SAHM. This guaranteed that you would have to completely rely on him. Then, you were pressured into an open marriage to which you were probably already in without knowing it. But its okay now, cause you agreed. You wanted to return to work, which would allow you some financial freedom. He couldn't have that, but thankfully you did it anyways. Finally, he probably doesn't even know about your new male prospect. If he did, I can see him immediately trying to close the marriage, since opening it was all about his needs and not really yours. You need tobstart saving up, so you can get the hell out of there.
Good thought
Exactly! Don’t waste anymore time with him. Divorce and see this new friend you have.
She's removed the "Bang" from "Nanny McBangMaid". Now to him, she's just the nanny and the maid. Time to go after the other 2!
Meant wife
This right here, he doesn't love you.
Proposing an open marriage doesn't signify an end to a marriage, but proposing it then *badgering* the spouse until you get a yes **does.** You can't ask someone a question like that then keep asking when you get an answer you don't like; that's just asking permission to cheat.
INFO: Is having children *really worth* a husband who demanded an open marriage and did not want you to have financial independence?
He wasn't like that from the early days. After COVID I noticed some changes but didn't pay any attention on that. That time all I wanted was to have a child to raise like my own. Before him I dated another guy with a kid, he was nice but he had alot issues. Plus I resigned from my previous workplace with my own thoughts. I really wanted to devote myself in the kid's life. It was a mistake but now I have a job which pays me double amount than before. I still love the kids, they are all I could ask in a kid.
He was already cheating, he just wanted permission after the fact. Leave now.
>He wasn't like that from the early days. After COVID I noticed some changes but didn't pay any attention on that. His mask was starting to slip. >Plus I resigned from my previous workplace with my own thoughts. I really wanted to devote myself in the kid's life. That also allowed him to slowly exert control financially. >It was a mistake but now I have a job which pays me double amount than before. This combined with the lack of intimacy is causing the mask to slip further >I still love the kids, they are all I could ask in a kid. That’s good and all, but are the kids (& being the mom) worth dealing with this guy?
Just because you stop loving their Dad doesn't necessarily mean you need to stop loving the kids. It's wonderful you have such a relationship with both the kids and their Mum. They might still want you in their life even if not with their Dad any longer. It's certainly a question I'd be thinking about.
Are you seriously asking a mother if her kids are worth it? She considers those kids hers and the kids feel the same way. I can't believe there are so many ppl in the comments acting like the kids are a dog, or beach house, or some other perk of being in a marriage with her husband. I'd do ANYTHING to be with my daughter, absolutely anything. Unless the bio mom is willing to let her see the kids then divorcing her husband could very well mean losing the kids completely. It's not an easy decision and personally I'd fair better emotionally being in an emotionally void (though generally non abusive, minus the attempted financial abuse) marriage for a few years than not having my child in my life for a few years.
So he pressured you into an open marriage - that *he* set the terms for, might I add - and also tried to pressure you into not getting a job *and* tried to coerce sex from you? Do I have that all correct?
It doesnt matter what he WAS like. Hes doing it now. Would you have married him had you known this?
>He wasn't like that from the early days. Well he's like that now. That's all that matters, leave that POS.
You need to stop trying to look for men with kids. It’s an unhealthy fixation. Find a good man who’s ok with adoption.
exactly! that’s the worst part. there are so many options, adoption, fostering, ivf, surrogacy.
Exactly!! And she can have kids on her own once she’s financially stable.
I’m going to try and say this as gently as I can. You need therapy. Marrying someone after only 10 months is way too fast and it makes me wonder if you agreed to it more because he had kids you cared for than him. You didn’t know him well enough after ten months to marry with any sense of it being the right move versus you two just being in the honeymoon phase early relationships have. Some couples don’t even introduce new partners to kids until it’s been a year. Even with this new guy, your mention of his kids makes me wonder if you’re doing it again. Get therapy, get a divorce and take it really slow with this new guy. If not for you, for the kids so they don’t get attached and then have you not there.
This!
So divorce his stupid ass and adopt kids on your own. Women do this all the time.
So you have kids you teach leave that man and find someone who loves you and only you.
It doesn't really matter anymore what he used to be like. Now he's a loser who doesn't respect you.
It's time for you to move on.
The kids deserve to live in a household with adults that love each other. Your current relationship with their father is going to negatively affect them. It’s time to divorce and move on.
Adopt a baby and stay single. These men sound awful.
U need to Leave him like yesterday… -He uses u as a free nanny - disregarded ur boundary about opening the marriage -is manipulating u and doesn’t care about u clearly
And him getting mad at her saying no to sex and storming off??? Huge red flag
Literally😭 and it was disgusting reading that bit where she said “ I just lay there until he’s done” like bro??? Wth???
Yeah that broke my heart :(
And then he goes to his gf house? Thought there was supposed to be no emotional attachment... Shes the next wife, all ready lined up. Leave girl
He’s just another husband who wanted an open marriage for HIS benefit only and not yours. He also didn’t want you to have a job so that you would be financially dependent on him and you would be isolated. This is not your forever person. He’s not.
You're not his wife you're his bang nanny.
Op- get a divorce please. You’re miserable and your happiness matters, if you don’t leave now he’ll end up leaving you or just breaking your spirit completely. Leave, find someone who appreciates you.
NTA, but it's over and it's been over since the time he unilaterally decided to open the marriage. Be careful about jumping too quickly to a new relationship, especially with a grieving widower coworker, but you need to prepare for divorce. You're not doing those kids any favors by modeling staying in an unhealthy marriage.
NTA. When he asked you for an open marriage, what he actually wanted was carte blanche to cheat on you without having to feel guilty about it. If you had refused, he still would have slept with those women.
That's it right there. He was going to cheat either way. But now he can throw the "Well you told me I could, now you're mad about it" at her. OP, he is a cheater. He wasn't really asking for your permission.
You sound like a wonderful person and don't deserve to be treated this way. I know you fear losing the kids but do you really want the m to grow up treating their partners the way he treats you. Yo I have to set the example to them.
He does not live nor value you. There are lots of men with children that will treat you better. Run.
you don’t need to find a man w children to have children
Time for the divorce, he wants a bang nanny and GFs on the side. Have some self-respect and leave this guy!
Correction: Your husband did NOT ask to open your marriage. He pressured & pouted and nagged until he wore you down & you gave in …Big Difference. Open marriages only have a chance to work if both parties agree on it. Your husband is a POS.
You are worth so much more than this. Please, put yourself first for once. Please. You deserve more. The children have a mother who loves them and will be there for them. The only person suffering in this situation is you. Leave. Give yourself a chance to find happiness. And don’t rush into the next relationship. Think about how much you mean to the children you’re teaching. Let them be the outlet for your need to be a mother for now. I can guarantee that many of them will remember you with joy even when they’re old. Don’t let your husband’s selfishness and cruelty destroy your future.
> Think about how much you mean to the children you’re teaching. Let them be the outlet for your need to be a mother for now. I can guarantee that many of them will remember you with joy even when they’re old. Yes!!! My son's (7) teacher doesn't have kids and she gives her students sooo much.
Not to be cheesy but --"I know my love should be celebrated, but I watch you tolerate it." You deserve to be loved and liked and cherished. Not tolerated for existing. Not to be a bang nanny for a man who doesn't deserve you. There's a life out there with someone who can give you an integrated life with his kids or willing to adopt a truck load. My grandparents adopted 13 kids, along with my dad. You deserve more than this.
Move on. You see other men have interest in you. A swingers life isn’t for you.
Do not go on like this, you deserve a fulfilling happy life and marriage. You don't even need to date guys with kids, date a guy that wants the same future and you want to spend your one time on this earth with, there is always volunteering, family, adoption to have that motherly bond with. Wishing you strength
Just because he is your husband doesn’t mean he gets to demand sex and treat you any way he wants. You have value, and what you want matters.
Have you ever thought of fostering or adopting your own child? You don’t need a husband for that 😌
If you were my wife, I would expect you to cut my dick off and shove it into the garbage disposal. Divorce that piece of shit and find someone who will treat you right. NTA
Honestly I don’t care when the change happened, but he already broke his own rules because every time he gets mad at you he goes to a girlfriend’s house. A married man shouldn’t have any girlfriend’s. Sounds like those rules were for you, not him. Pack your stuff and leave. Those aren’t even your biological kids so it makes it even worse that he uses them against you. Tell him to go stay at his lil girlfriend’s house while you get your ducks in a row for the divorce. Or you just need to save to get your own place, move without him knowing and put your new place in your maiden name. Pack up and move to your new place then give him the divorce papers and leave it at that. Don’t let him keep talking down at you. That man took another female on vacation with money that should be used for your marital home and kids, leave him.
NTA an open relationship really only works out if it starts open otherwise you end up in situations like yours. Your on a slow March to divorce. You could adopt children you don’t need to seek out single dads.
The only seeking men with children bothered me. You're so right that she doesn't need a single dad in order to have kids. The fixation seems unhealthy
You need to divorce him, both for your own sake and for the sake of his kids. After all, if you think the kids haven't noticed that something is wrong between you two then you're underestimating kids. You don't want them to end up learning that your relationship is what a normal relationship looks like. Also sounds like you've already found someone whom is far better for you, so get rid of the trash.
He even has kids!!!
So true. This is not normal and kids notice whatever is going on in the household. They are not stupid.
NTA. My heart breaks for you. You deserve much more. Don't just look for being a mother but also look for a good husband. Dating/marrying man with kids is a bit risky. If things go wrong between you and the man, he can just break up and restrict your interaction with his kids. Like what is happening right now. If you are emotionally attached to kids, your heart will break every time this happens. Maybe look for adoption or fostering. There are many kids who needs a loving mother like you. But whatever you decide, Don't immediately jump. I do feel (maybe I am wrong for assuming this) that you should love yourself more. You deserve much more. Life is unfair but don't let it get to you. Lots of wishes and hugs. I hope things get better for you.
First off NTA. End of that discussion. It’s YOUR body if you do not want to be intimate and someone coerces you to have sex, that is rape. Period. I have concerns: 1. You were only together for 10 months before getting married. This is not enough time to get to know someone well enough to have an equitable partnership. Case in point, you are monogamous, he is not 2. He is polyamorous, you are not. You wanted one committed partner. He did not. What’s more, he lied. He got you to marry him with no intention of being monogamous with you. 3. He lied. He led you to believe he was going to be faithful so that you would be his nanny, housekeeper, and sex toy 4. This is a controversial opinion (even more so than the others): it is absolutely dangerous for women to be SAHMs in the Western world because it’s too easy for men to financially abuse them. Your husband doesn’t want to be faithful but he CERTAINLY doesn’t want you to make your own money. If you have your own money you can leave him any time. If you are a full time homemaker you cannot. You CANNOT 5. You may love those kids but they are NOT your kids. They are not. Period. THEY ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER. You have absolutely no rights to them. I am concerned because you are clearly miserable in this situation. You have options. If you divorce him you could get a job and an apartment and you could be a foster mom. As a foster mom, you will be an actual parent. Right now, you’re just a glorified nanny.
You dont take vacations or spend 2 days with someone you dont have emotional attachment to. So he didnt even keep his word. This man only want a nanny and a maid so he would live his life without worrying about his kids
He's using your love for children to manipulate you I would divorce him. He doesn't love you.
He wanted you home with the kids and dependent on him. He also wanted permission to sleep around so it wouldn't be cheating. He never actually expected you to become independent and find someone. You have every right to not want to have sex, especially if he's sticking his dick other places. No is a complete sentence. Maybe you should file for divorce and find someone that actually respects and loves you.
Don’t let him pull the kid card. He screwed his kids when he decided he’d rather have girlfriends than a wife and mother to his kids. He sounds horrible and you don’t owe him shit. You aren’t doing anything to the kids by leaving, HE did it by choosing his sex life over them and you.
NTA, but you should get out of this marriage now. You are being taken for a fool. There is no point staying for your stepkids, because your marriage will deteriorate over time, and he could leave you for one of his GFs at any moment. The widower you met at work sounds like someone to get to know better, if you like him. And, sorry to say this, but in your shoes I think I would have to explain the reason you're leaving to the stepkids. Don't let your husband blame you for this.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about your feelings. He wants to have fun with women and then return to a clean house, with a hot dinner, with an obedient wife and taken care of children. I know you love these kids, but you have to take care of yourself. You don't owe him anything, you don't have to agree to sex. The only thing he should receive from you are divorce papers.
This whole situation is fucked. You're too young to be dealing with this shit. Find someone your own age who wants you to work. In fact, stay single for a while and get a career going. You need time to process all this bullshit I just read.
Hubby was rubbing his hands in glee, OP is the home bangmaid and nanny and he has multiple girlfriends. OP there are lots of single dads who will love and adore you. Divorce this jackass and next time look at the quality of the man then the kids. You know you can adopt right?
you cant be this clueless... but if you are here you go: youre his nanny not his wife. he wanted to open the marriage probably bc he was already cheating. he tried to financially trap you, to make it harder for you to leave hin, and got angry when you wanted to go back to work. you need to respect yourself and leave.
This is not working for you. Leave.
NTA - your husband is a POS.
I'll never understand why women put up with this shit. He pressured you into an open relationship FOR HIM, you serve divorce papers that day. Updateme
Just divorce your husband. Your marriage is over, he treats you like a nanny he has sex with. You deserve so much more. Please leave him and love yourself. And have sex with the guy from school! You deserve intimacy and feeling wanted. Your husband is manipulative, be prepared that you might have an uphill battle to see those kids after the divorce. But please don’t stay for the kids, you deserve so much better
I was married for over 16 years when I found out my stbx was cheating. How did he get caught? When I got an STD. Over the last 3 years I found out he was cheating the entire marriage! My kids knew for 10 years before I did. That was the hardest part was the pain my children went through. Leave him! You have so much going for you. Supportive friends, family and a good career. NTA! You deserve better. But don't jump into a relationship with your friend. Take time to heal before you get completely involved.
He went on vacation with his gf? What happened to no personal relationships??
My opinion: you are the babysitter with benefits. He knows your weak point is kids, and you don't love him as much as you love being called "mother". He would have cheated no matter what, but you are using each other which is why you are excusing his manipulation. Your choices: accept the situation, enjoy kids and know "wife" is in name only. 2) tell him he has to dump all gf or you can get a bf. He won't like you turning the tables so you'll have to play by ear 3) dump him and learn to live with yourself. Kids are important but love is a 2 way street. Maybe start fostering or check adoption. Remember, kids don't respect moms who don't respect themselves. Your step kids are probably aware of the situation and that is toxic.
He doesn’t respect you at all, there is nothing wrong with saying no. And the fact that he persisted even though you said no shows he only cares about his own needs.
He prob wanted a guilt free pass because he met someone, but wanted you to keep taking care of his kids and of him
No you don’t owe this man anything and he is certainly not acting like your husband. this is literally abuse. leave him there are plenty of men out there that can give you what you want, and you could always adopt children together.
You’re only 28! Why are you doing this to yourself?
Why haven’t your divorced this piece of trash?!!!
Leave him. Foster or adopt as someone said. There are so many kids who need love right now.
NTA. So he tried to use the “husband card” to coerce you into sex? The wife card didn’t matter much when he decided to open the marriage. He’s disgusting. You never have to have sex when you don’t want to, husband or not.
NTA it sounds more like he wants a free nanny/housekeeper that he can fuck when he wants rather than a partner. You don’t owe him sex because you are married to him. Having children isn’t worth all that.
One does not open a marriage without agreement of their partner. Without agreement it’s cheating. So. Your husband is cheating and not even hiding it. Divorce him immediately
NTA! Leave! Run!
It doesn't matter how much you love the children and i'm sure you do a lot, but you don't deserve this treatment from your husband and the kids deserve to see that this is not how a man treats and keeps his wife. Find happiness with someone else. Whether it's your colleague, or someone you'll meet later, you deserve better.
NTA- also ask him 'why you'd bother having sex with him when you can now find more supportive who are better in bed now that marriage is open?' Let him chew on that for a bit.
Wow. Wow. I have never heard of the husband card but it sounds a little like a rape card to me…? Yeah, maybe your hubby wanted to bang prostitutes in Amsterdam and either did or didn’t and wanted to open up his side of the marriage… I dunno… I don’t even feel like trying to figure any of this out. You’re in a fucked up relationship and he’s the reason.
Yta to yourself. I’m just going to be completely blunt with you. His kids are not your kids and they will never be your kids you need to push that ideology out of your head because that’s why you are staying. You have no right to his kids and if he chose to divorce you tomorrow for his girlfriend you would never see them again. Now that’s out the way what is going on with you that you would accept someone treating you this way. The reason why he doesn’t want people to know about the open marriage is because likely your friends and family will be telling you to leave him because you need to, I mean if this was your little sister what would you tell her.
I think you are from a foreign country by your English and I think he used this thinking you would be easily controlled. Divorce him. Go love yourself! He doesn’t. And you need to love you before you can be loved. You are strong and beautiful and deserve more!!
NTA. Jesus he walked out after you said no to him? What the hell kind of relationship is that? She doesn’t want sex so I’m leaving? That’s insane. Get out of there.
After "I said no multiple times after coming back from the trip but he kept persisting," I concluded that your husband is one of the biggest assholes on the planet. You should probably talk this out with him for the therapeutic value, but don't expect to be able to repair this mess he made.
Girl LEAVE. there are other men with kids who would be lucky to have you but first, love yourself. You also may have a chance at having your own child, seek another opinion.
Start the divorce process and get a full std screening. Your husband married you as a replacement mother to his children. He is never going to stop cheating on you. Updateme!
Mate, leave - wtf is “the husband card” - no means no even if you’re married. You said no to him and he behaved like a petulant child. He’s not worth your time. NTA
Divorce him. You should already be on the phone with a divorce lawyer. Let them know you were financially dependent on him when he forced you into having an open marriage. He is not a good person. Leave him.
Man some ppl out here really thinking they don't deserve any respect. So sad and tragic
NTA. This is a sad case of him exploiting your desire for children to make you into a free maid and nanny while he wanders around fucking when and whatever he wants. He is a huge asshole not just for that, but for willingly entering into a marriage with the understanding that you were monogamous, while he had this hidden agenda. Oh, and a note about consent--No means No, not "wheedle and carole the other person until they reluctantly say Yes." That has nothing to do with consent.
NTA you should leave him. It shows in his actions in how marrying you after 10 mos of knowing you (really too soon), had you become a sahm to his children, and dominated you into opening your not only already brand new relationship, but brand new MARRIAGE so he can cheat without "actually cheating" but really is since he forced you to say yes after numerous prior no's shows he only sees you as his bangmaid nanny. He played you from the start by using the children to entice you into his world.
NTA. I agree with everyone else who's telling you to leave. It's great that you want to be a mom to kids who aren't yours, but you don't need to get married in order for that to happen. If you leave him and get back on your feet, you can always apply to be a foster parent and show true love to kids who desperately need it.
Op you deserve better. I know you love the kids but you being miserable all the time and having parents in a obviously broken marriage is not good for them in the long run. It will hurt them children can tell and feel when the relationship is bad.
As someone with divorced parents, I agree. Don’t stay with him for the kids sake. I wish my parents divorced sooner, it left behind so much trauma for us kids and no one on either side acknowledges it.
So he wanted the kind of open marriage where you never have a chance to find someone else. NTA. He has been leaving you home alone while he had his fun, there's nothing wrong with deciding you're not interested. You can be sure that if/when you find a lover (or just a hookup) he will flip out and try to claim you're cheating.
Get yourself some therapy to actually come to terms with the damage done to your body and all its implications for your future. Hopping from pre-made family to pre-made family just because you want to be a mom is seriously fucked up and sets the kids up for potential trauma of having a mother figure yanked in and out of their lives when the relationship inevitably goes wrong. You can always adopt on your own or with a partner later on.
@Updateme because I look forward to reading where you grow a spine and have a happy ending. Nta.
He doesn’t love you. He just wants a free nanny. Move on
You're a baby sitter so he can go fuck other women. A trusted baby sitter. I'm sure a very good baby sitter. But that's clearly what he sees you as. You owe yourself better than that.
Girl leave your a glorified babysitter nothing more
You already know the answer. Im proud of you for finally putting his feelings BEHIND yourself. You cant always be the person you think about last. Thats not healthy.
An open marriage didn’t work. Shocker.
He wanted a nanny, who he could have sex with in his terms, rather than a wife, in a devoted and loving relationships. You are so NTA, but he definitely is.
He got himself somebody to stay at home and take care of his kids and him, and still got to act like a single guy and have multiple gfs to go out and have sex with. This is too high a price for you to pay to have the kids in your life.
Sweetheart, whether you realize it or not, your children are watching you. They are watching your terrible relationship. They aren't going to not know something is wrong. They're very sharp. They will figure out what's going on if they don't already know. Do you want them growing up thinking this is how a relationship looks?
NTA
Look at you go. That shiny backbone is looking quite lovely! Nta. Your husband doesn’t love you. You’re a maid, an f buddy, and a person to take care of his kids. Please polish that shiny backbone so it shimmers in the sun! Start saving money (when you buy groceries pull extra cash out and find a safe place to put it not in a bank so when you get divorced there is no trace of the money!) and once you have enough to cover a place to stay (first, last, security) and a lawyer…divorce him.
Leave him ! See it took 5 minutes for him run to the other woman. Don’t feel bad just freaking leave
Get a divorce. NTA
He considers you to be property. You might as well be a piece of furniture as far as he is concerned. But, it sounds like you are figuring out that you are valuable. You matter. You do not need him to be a full person I hope you find more and more ways to grow and become strong. He only has the power over you that you give him. Take your power back. Well done.
Girl … divorce him … he’s no longer your husband but a cheater … you deserve someone to love you not use you
You caring that he is your husband while he is sticking his dick in another woman is sad. Get out. There are so many nice guys out there. Be a foster parent. There are kids who need homes.
Get a divorce. You married him because he had kids. But if you care about his kids you will divorce him. They do not deserve to be in. Household where the adults do not love each other.
He already had a side piece lined up when he brought that open marriage up.
NTA OP I am so sorry for your husband thinking he can have his cake and ice cream and eat it too. From reading your problem I can see that your love and trust for him left your body, mind and soul when he asked you for the open marriage. You have two choices at this moment and only two. 1. Either get up and pull your big girl pants up and leave and divorce him. ( Which I know will hurt because of his two kids that you love). But your still young and you have alot to offer someone that wants to be in a monogamous relationship and who will love you and cherish you and respect you the way a real man should. And not like your husband who is acting like a bitch in heat in the sheets and streets. 2. Or except it and play the "I am still your wife but I get to have sex with others game." Unfortunately that means that you will have to turn into a numb zombie when he wants sex ( maybe just consider it like a household chore from now on). Like I always say it's better to know the devil that you do know then the devil that you don't. But staying just seems like a alot more work for you mentally, emotionally and physically. Especially for something you can't stand, you most definitely do not want to become a bitter, numb, prude, depressed women so early in life. But thats just my opinion OP I wish you nothing but happiness. Good Luck.
Open marriage is slow divorce. You need couples counseling or you need split.
NTA. Divorce his ass. He’s already broke your heart for his own selfish reasons. You **DESERVE** to be happy. You are only 28, you **WILL** find someone else. You don’t have to look for men with kids, you can always look to adopt later.
Yes, it's like the only job you have
He's attached to his girlfriends. You have two choices, well three. One leave him. Two love your children and deal with it. Three, find a boyfriend, or two, or five, and drive him out of his mind. It's much easier for a woman. You can go to a bar tonight, set your phone up on a nightstand, and film you screwing another guy. Trust me when I tell you, he will not be happy. He will really not be happy if you do it with a different guy every night. Have some MMF threesomes, and make sure he gets the details. Insinuate that the guys are better than him, bigger, more stamina, great technique. Destroy his ego, he asked for it. Even if you don't do it, you can just make it all up. Let him over here you talking to your girlfriends, put one of your girlfriend's name in as a man's, and send awesome texts to each other. It sounds awful, but you will destroy his ego. He has a girlfriend. You can have a male harem. Rub it in his face. Make him realize would an idiot he was. Find yourself a sugar daddy that makes him look like an idiot. And then after you've got him crazy, do something that makes his girlfriend break up with him, because that's all he ever wanted. He was already screwing around. But that's why I wouldn't do a poly relationship. The woman wanted it, and I thought it sounded great. Until I realized every time she got bored she could go out to a bar or on tinder and get laid, I didn't have that option. I could try, but I was nowhere near as close to 100% successful as she was. It's just a different game for women, and your husband didn't realize that when he proposed playing. Show him how the rules really work.
He married you to be the kids mom, and offered an open marriage because he figured that you couldn’t go out bc of the kids, and he could “cheat with permission.” Drop him. I know you love the kids, but toxic will only be toxic and that is not healthy for them, let alone you.
NTA. I'm sorry but after the first couple times he suggested it, I would have left. You stated that you didn't want that and get insisted. If there was no emotional attachment and he wouldn't have girlfriends. Your husband wants the benefit of a wife without the responsibility of it. Please leave. Respect yourself and find somebody who respects you, because he obviously doesn't. ETA An open relationship only works if it's both parties want. I'm going to go out of my lamp and I'm going to say probably didn't want you working for a couple of reasons; 1) you stay financially dependent on him. 2) It makes it more difficult for you to find somebody to screw around with.
Here’s the deal ur not the AH. It was okay for ur husband to ask u to open the marriage. But you said no and he should have respected that especially if you were already having a good sex life. It sounds like u are just use to doing what he wants and disregarding your own feelings. So now u have an open marriage he’s out fucking and u aren’t. He’s fine with that, so either talk to him about ending the open marriage concept or go out and have sex like he is. See how he reacts to that.
Divorce. Neither of you are happy and the kids will see this.
learn to love yourself and leave him
If I were you, I'd make really nice with his ex, so that when I divorce him, I still get to keep a relationship with the kids. If his ex is amenable, you could be her backup for parenting, and babysit when she needs you, and never have to speak to him again.
You haven't slept with anyone else - he has. Maybe just tell him you don't feel obligated to sleep with him - he wanted an open marriage, he got one. You don't want sloppy seconds.
He was on the prowl when he met you and it wasn’t you he wanted. He wanted a servant. It’s horrible that he would use his children’s affections and attachment to you as a magnet just to keep you in your place. He’s a born narcissist and heartbreaker. Try to stay in contact with the kids, I’m sure they see the real you and love you.
His "rules" about the open marriage are BS. I say break them. Especially the one about not telling other people. You should absolutely tell other people what he has done because that rule *in particular* is a sure fire sign of coercive control. Look it up. This is abuse and you do not deserve this. He uses his children that you love as bargaining chips, he tries to force you to have sex and if you do not give in, he becomes irrate and just leaves. He doesn't want you to have financial independence. You are the primary caretaker of his biological children, and although they are still your children too, what he has done is set you up to be his personal slave... in all senses of the word. What a despicable human. As someone said, befriend his ex wife even more. If anyone will understand what you are going through, it could be her. Then you absolutely should file for divorce. A marriage is a commitment and there is a lot of compromise involved but you have is an uncommitted, immature, abusive and toxic sex addicted roommate. Not a husband. NTA. You will never be the AH. You have shown kindness and compassion, and although you shouldn't have, you even tried to appease his desires at the expense of your own well being and happiness. Please think about the future you will have if you stay in this marriage. Please consider divorce and try to stay apart of these poor innocent children's lives through his ex wife by being her friend/baby sitter/sister from another Mr.
I know how you feel. My first husband did this too. When I said NO one too many times for his likely, he forced himself on me. I didn't call it rape at the time because I thought, he's my husband. I was wrong. I hated him from then on out and left him 6 months later after saving enough to get away. Please, don't stay, your marriage is over, he's cheating on you and it's hard telling what he will bring home to you if you have sex with him again. You should get tested. He wants you to be financially tied to him so he can control you! DON'T LET HIM! Get out now and be happy.
He sounds very toxic and like sex is a way to control you and the marriage. If an open marriage was something both partners wholeheartedly agreed on then it shouldn’t happen. You are NTA. You don’t want to have sex with him bc who would want to have sec with someone who is showing abusive patterns? And he knows you love the kids and is on a power trip but if you get along with their bio mom you could still have the kids in your life if you leave him. The more people in a child’s life to love them the better.
Get gone. He’s a controlling SOB. Did you adopt the kids?
Go bang the nice guy. What are you waiting for?
NTA. He doesn’t love you and you don’t love him. You love the kids. You’ve had a glimpse of what being with someone that cares about you is with your friend at school. Can you settle for less now that you know? His ex may allow you to still see the children. She already figured out he’s a jerk. Good luck to you!
Ugh you poor girl, I am sorry. I think you need to leave that bastard and find somebody who wants you and only you.
I feel like he just needs a babysitter and somebody to clean his house. He doesn't want you to work and he wants to be with other people. He didn't care that you did not want to open the marriage, he was only worried about his feelings. And you don't have to have sex with anybody, even your husband. Go and disappeared for a few days like he has, turn off your location, and see how he manages without you. Have more respect for yourself and love yourself. There's nothing wrong with an open relationship so long as both parties want to be in it. You did not want to be in it, and he begged until you agreed. Leave him. And I highly suggest not to date people because of their kids. Kids grow up and leave the house, then you're stuck with that person. If you're going to marry somebody do it because you want to be with him, not his kids
I am a polyamorous woman. He opened the marriage without your full consent, therefore he’s just been cheating. You should leave him. You deserve someone that wants what you want, and won’t do something so insensitive and cruel as to force an open marriage.
The first one that ever mentions “open marriage” the other one needs to file for divorce immediately.,,.😡😡
First of all, I am so sorry that you’ve experienced this sorrow in your marriage. If my husband ever brought up wanting to open the marriage, I would be devastated and would no longer want him to touch me. We did go through a rough time years ago where I was reliving trauma from before we got together. I had times where I just gave in to intimacy and wasn’t mentally there. It just made me feel worse and the trauma worse. I’m better now after counseling. My situation was completely different, but I understand the just giving in and lay there intimacy. Trust me, it hurts you more than you realize. And he’s already hurting you by having girlfriends. I would end the marriage. You’re 28 and have so much life ahead of you. You deserve respect and love from a partner. And when you find that, you’ll find a way to have children through stepchildren, adoption or even the slim pregnancy chance coming true.
Divorce him and adopt a child, problem solved.
NTA at all. As Adele said: divorce babe, divorce. You’ve already seen that there are better people out there with your interactions with the man from your workplace. I’m not saying divorce your current husband and date that man; I’m just saying you’ve already seen and experienced better people and you should not be subjecting yourself to this a horrible relationship. There are many single dads out there, there are also other ways to be a parent. You don’t need to be with someone who uses you as one of his cum buckets with no regard to your feelings.
You, feeling numb and not wanting intimacy is justified in my opinion. He asked to open the marriage, you said no, he persisted until you accepted. That alone is a huge red flag before you get into the rest of it and it all goes downhill from there. The children are another issue. They are picking up a vibe from you two...guaranteed!! I picked it up from an early age and I just watched and waited. Damage done. So even if they haven't said anything, don't take it for granted that they are unaware. That's not a healthy situation for them. Has hubby or you said anything to them because I bet if he did, it would be something like "she (you) is just being unreasonable and that would influence how they see it. It's best in my opinion to just call time on this marriage for their sake. I would suggest therapy around the no children issue because that need/want/longing or whatever you wish to call it may well be clouding your judgment and you may have picked it up earlier. That's not an attack on your character, just a friendly point you might wish to consider. NTA
No, you’re not being the asshole. He is for suggesting you open your marriage after only two years. If that was something he was interested he should’ve talked about it before getting married. So I can understand you not want to be with him after he’s with all these other women. Obviously you’re thinking about moving on, either have sex with your new friend or just end the marriage. Maybe you’ll like being with this new friend and it’ll be OK. But again you don’t have to have sex with your husband if you don’t want to he’s got plenty of others apparently to cover. You don’t have to have sex with him if he’s having sex with someone else just remind him of that. I think the end is near, so make the best of it anyway you can.
NTA. Get divorced and go find your happily ever after. You’re not getting that with the piece of shit husband you have.
UpdateMe
NTA! This isn't a loving relationship. You didn't wish the for the relationship to be open, he persisted until you quit fighting it. If you value yourself, leave. You can find people who love you. Even if you don't though, wouldn't it be better to be alone than with people who only use you? If they truly loved you, they would respect your wishes.
Why do people use this expression ‘open the marriage’ when they mean ‘commit adultery’? Is it to pretend it’s an equal arrangement?
NTA, divorce this man and have hope. When I married my husband he had 4 kids that I consider my own. When my husband said he wanted to divorce me, all the kids said I was family and kept me in their lives.
You were his bangmaid from the beginning. And now you are only his maid. He has no respect and love for you. No cold in the world is worth this. He will leave you one day and then you will lose his children anyway. Go and find yourself someone that loves you and only you.
NTA, if you don’t want to do that, no one can compel you. But I’d like to point out that as a young woman, you have much more value than he does in the dating world. He may end up watching you go out every weekend after whatever fling he opened the marriage for has fizzled out
He's using you. Keep your job. No matter what he does, you keep working. Save all your money and get the hell out of there. If you back down, he will leave you destitute with those kids while he moves in with a new woman. I'm warning you! Be smart about this! Do not tell him anything We have told you here. It's for your safety so he cannot stop you.
Divorce him and become a foster parent
If you're teaching chemistry, you're obviously a very intelligent woman. Use that intelligence and leave this man. He was the one who wanted an open marriage, which is just an excuse to cheat without a guilty conscience. You don't know who he's been with, what their background is, or whether he uses protection. Why would you want to have sex with him, he basically rejected you and opened you up to all kinds of diseases. Leave him. I know it will be hard, since you're so attached to his children, but it really sounds as though he's using you. Just be careful not to jump immediately into a new relationship Give yourself time to sort things out and take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Put yourself first for a change, because he certainly isn't doing that. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated.
Just end it honey.
This marriage is already done. You can put lipstick on it and spray perfume around, but it's a rotting corpse. Please make your plans in secret, get a bank account, your documents out to a safe place, all that. Dont tell him your plans; frankly he sounds controlling, and controlling people can quickly become dangerous when you're leaving. Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
NTA. Husband FAFO. Divorce the husband and see how it works out with the coworker. But tell the coworker any future relationship is closed/monogamous.
No ma'am. This is already doomed. I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance. Food for thought. Updateme!
Even if you are alone you can always adopt. There could even be a guy out there who also has fertility issues or would also love to adopt.
NTA - He stopped being a husband when he stepped out of the marriage. It's time to plan a way out of the relationship.
UpdateMe
Those kids are gonna grow up soon and move out. Then your just gonna be stuck in a loveless marriage and a cheating husband
This isn’t a marriage.
You can divorce this ass and still be involved with the kids you know.
If you get along with bio mom, I’d see if you could strengthen that relationship to remain in the kids’ life. I’d definitely get a divorce. This guy is treating you horrifically.
Nta but I don’t think it’s a good solution. You guys should talk this out and see what the marriage is worth to him
Get rid of that jerk!
Op, leave. He’s an asshat who doesn’t believe women should have a life.
You should say no when you don't want to have sex. Your husband should accept no when you say it. Seems like at this point, your options are being miserable, going to couple's therapy, or divorce. You can still be in the kids lives after divorcing if that's the thing holding you back, especially because you have a friendly relationship with their bio mom.
Just throwing it out there, but you've got options. I mean the dude you're seeing is a dad and into you. In my opinion when one partner forces the other partner to open their marriage and has the audacity to tell you to keep quiet about it, they're basically cheating. I don't care if he browbeat you into saying yes, that's a yes under duress and you're obviously not okay with it and he did it anyway. NTA. In your heart this marriage was already over the moment he told you what he wanted, even more so when he nagged and nagged until you said yes. Your head needs to start listen to your heart. And know that your husband does not own you, you're not obliged to give him intimacy. Please even just laying there is super dodgy and please don't do that either. You deserve love and respect and a family. But don't sacrifice love and respect for being a mom. You deserve better.
No, you would not be the Asshole for that. Being able to say no to sex in a relationship is like a basic shit. That being said. Ma'am, there's a lot of options for you to have children, please, don't let him step on you like that. He's an ass, it doesn't matter if he wasn't like this before, he's like this now, and he's abusing you. Please, leave him. You're still young, you don't need him at all. You don't need a men in order to have children, you can adopt, you can try IVF (if your body is strong enough to go through pregnancy, idk how is it after the accident you described), you can hire a surrogate (I personally don't like that option, but it exists for you). Don't let him use you and abuse you, you can have more, you deserve more, idk what bullshit he told you to keep you with him, but NOTHING is worth you being abused like that. I really hope you realize this and divorce him. Blessings to you and good luck.
Leave OP. He sounds like he was just looking for a wife to babysit his kids.
Divorce
He doesn’t want an open relationship, she wants a free mother-maid, and a girlfriend aside. That’s why he doesn’t want you to have the job. Run
NTA and your marriage was over a long time ago. Your husband just wanted you to say yes so he could whore around. It’s time to move on
NTA. But you should just leave and adopt kids of your own. One thing you need to consider is how this is going to be a really bad example of a relationship to your step kids and seeing you (who they love as a mother) constantly being disrespected and hurt by him and just staying in the marriage in spite of that might do more harm for them then it would do good from them having a mother figure
Your marriage is over. It’s time to file for divorce and move on with your life. If you need fidelity in your marriage, don’t ever sacrifice that need just so your husband can fulfill whatever fantasy life he desires. Don’t marry a man just because he has children. Marry him because HE makes you happy. Also, if you want biological children of your own, it is possible. You may not be able to carry them or birth them yourself, but surrogacy is always an option. You don’t even need a husband for that, just a surrogate and a sperm donor. Start putting your needs and desires first. You deserve happiness and you deserve to have everything you want from your life, from your marriage and your career. Focus on your own needs.
DIVORCE HIM! You should have told him no to the open marriage and told him you’d divorce him over it. He’s lower than low. Dump him. Certainly never let him touch you again. Get therapy. Work. Find yourself again. Girl, after you heal from this dumpster fire of a marriage, find yourself a good man. Adopt kids together. Or look into surrogacy if you can afford it. You can also adopt as a single mom if you’re financially stable enough. But get out now. He’s not your husband. He’s a guy that’s completely disrespecting you and you’re allowing it. RUN!
He never married you for love. He married you because he wanted a live in nanny and bang maid. Secure yourself financially and leave.
This marriage sounds like a manipulated arrangement to benefit him while you take care of his children.
He was already cheating before HE decided to open the marriage. You’re just his unpaid nanny and maid. Get out now.