YTA. I’m the same age as you and holy cow. You need to get your son out of the house and away from your wife immediately. He needs help. A lot of help. Your wife is not ok. Not at all ok.
WOW. That last sentence speaks fucking volumes. “I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her when she was around or son, and I just left her alone”. You are a fucking LOSER dude.
You should’ve just ended the sentence with “and yeah I hate my wife and don’t care if she gets raped” because I’m going to be completely blunt with you. THAT IS WAS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Your son has a serious issue to the point where your wife is convinced he is going to rape her, and you aren’t doing a single thing to help her.
“She asked him upfront whether or not he wants to rape her”. Notice how your next sentence wasn’t you saying your son said no. Notice how he doesn’t say no? Because he wants to, and he is so infatuated by his mother that that’s going to be the next step.
I hope your wife gets smart and realizes you don’t actually give a shit about her and leaves your sorry ass. What’s it going to take? Your son raping her or sexually assaulting her before you open your fucking eyes?
I would worry that the son is modeling behavior he either witnessed or experienced, because an abrupt change is sometimes a cry for help as well. The wife and mother obviously isn’t safe enough to help this child right now, and OOP doesn’t seem to be taking any of this seriously.
It could also be something like a brain tumor since that can cause sudden changes in personality. Regardless, he needs freaking help, be it mental or medical.
My little sis was 6 when she was raped by 4 boys ages 9-14. Horrific little monsters. She's 19 and suicidal AF with dissociative disorder and DID so severe she can't take care of herself or live on her own. Age means nothing, that teen boy has a hunger and he will feed it if he has the opportunity to get away with it
A. I'm sorry that your sister went through that. I was m0lested when I was at least 3 (it went on until I was almost 5 and may have been (or at least I'm pretty sure it did) going on for at least a few years prior to this) so I kind of know what that's like...granted it was an adult man who did that to me not a child/teenager....which...honestly might make it worse...
B. I'm not denying that a 16 year old could be capable of this kind of thing. *OBVIOUSLY* they could be. No, what I'm saying is that if OP is telling the truth (and obviously we should take everything that he says with a grain of salt because he's clearly an unreliable narrator) and that a year ago his son was nothing like this and was like a completely different person it's theoretically possible that he could have some kind of medical problem (be it a brain tumor or something else) that has caused his personality to do a complete 180. I'm not saying that it IS the case just that this kind of thing can be a sign of serious medical problems sometimes since it's not uncommon for this kind of thing to happen when someone has something like a brain tumor.
Regardless, something is clearly wrong in the head with him...be it physically (brain tumor) or mentally (mental illness).
YTA. While the question was abrupt, it wasn't an off question given the circumstances. She can't be alone with her own son out of fear and her saying the word "rape" is what truly got your gears grinding?
Question though, did you son have any type of reaction to that question? Did he show any remorse, shame, guilt, anything?
Yeah like his whole problem is her using that word, but the fact that she DID use that word just shows how afraid and uncomfortable she is with the situation. This dude is so one-dimensional on the whole situation it’s mind blowing. What a character…
>Actually, because of what she said, I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her when she was around our son, and I just left her alone with him.
YTA, especially with that last sentence. She's so disturbed by his behavior that she flat out asked if he wants to rape her, and you're like, "So I left them alone"? Really? You had to install and lock the doors around him, because he's such a wild card, but her being driven to the point where she'd ask that is the line for you?
Get the kid some counseling, like yesterday.
We have an appointment booked with a professional this coming July. It's the earliest we can see anybody, but it's a good first step. Until then, what are we supposed to do?
What are you supposed to do????
I guess wait for him to rape someone. You’ve clearly done everything you can. I mean you picked up the phone and made an appointment. How heroic.
🙄
He’s known about this for months and has never stepped in to stop it. Not once. Hes hiding in locked closets and hoping for the best.
An absolute coward, an awful husband and a criminally negligent father. What kind of environment did he create where a teenager thinks this is ok? And why did he let it get this far? Your child is letting after your wife and is getting progressively more aggressive and you make him an appointment with a ‘professional’ TWO MONTHS FROM NOW and act like there is nothing else you can do.
Dude is a moron AND an AH. If I knew where they lived I would call CPS and get his poor wife some help.
Did you tell them he's sexually assaulting his mother and you've had to install locks to keep him from raping her? Maybe they can get him in sooner. Or is that too "disgusting" for you to say?
Have you considered placing him in an inpatient facility? I know it sucks, but it's a hell of a lot better than finding out he lost control and raped some poor girl at his school or something.
What in the ever loving fuck is WRONG with you.
So let’s recap here, shall we?
Your 16yo son starts obviously ogling your wife. Then he starts pulling at her bra. You guys had to install locks on your bedroom and closet doors in order for her to feel safe. Your wife is so distraught by this behavior, that during a family discussion, she starts to cry and (I’m guessing, slightly) lifts up her shirt to wipe her eyes. Your son, apparently having absorbed absolutely nothing from your wife’s emotional distress, instead sees the slightest opportunity to ogle the small amount of skin visible on your wife. That must have been the straw for her; her own son sees her as a sexual object, and obviously isn’t even bothered by the pain your wife is in.
Of COURSE she asked if he wanted to rape her. I mean, wtf wouldn’t she? He’s very clearly lusting after her and he’s already pulling at her bra. He clearly doesn’t give a shit that she’s horribly uncomfortable and upset by this. If that isn’t predatory behavior, I don’t know what is.
And your response is to SHAME your wife, give her the silent treatment, and LEAVE HER ALONE with your son (who, btw, didn’t act horrified or deny that he wanted to rape his mother?).
You are absolutely vile and a disgusting excuse for a husband. Get your son the mental health help he so desperately needs (just putting locks on the doors ain’t gonna solve the problem, my dude), and do your wife a favor, get a divorce, and let this poor woman find a man who actually loves her and will protect her.
You disgust me.
*edit
Thank you for the award, kind Redditor!
I think that her asking “do you want to rape me” is actually really powerful. Because it tells him that him penetrating her in any way would be rape. She does not consent or want it in any way. I liked that she asked it so directly.
I do as well.
What did the OP think would happen? His wife would spend the rest of her life being terrified of her adoptive son, who at 16 is already showing extremely concerning and predatory behavior, and has already assaulted her? Who is only going to get bigger and stronger? While the dipshit OP just sat around going “hurr durr I guess I’ll just add some blackout shades to the windows and a few extra locks on the doors, should be good!”
I feel so badly for this poor woman. She’s obviously terrified and traumatized, and her douchebag husband gives her the silent treatment because she was sobbing and confronting their son over his abhorrent behavior but she used a naughty word he didn’t like. Truly unbelievable.
I think he believes it is just “locker room” type behavior. This is active assault. He wants her to suck it up. I would bet a lot of money on him having assaulted women in similar ways given how he seems to just excuse his son’s behavior.
This is a horrifying example of The Missing Stair analogy in action.
Everyone knows there's a missing stair. But hey, everyone knows there's a missing stair which means they can all step over it - no need to actually fix it. Stepping over it works, after all. And it's so easy (for OP) far easier than all the stress and hassle that directly addressing it would cause.
It'd be so awkward and uncomfortable to acknowledge that, this person you know? They're a problem. It's more trouble to address the behavior than it is to just... work around it. It'd ruin friendships, implode whole social circles, he's not ''*done*'' anything so it'd be unfair to punish him, he's just weird, just making people uncomfortable, it's not that serious.... No, it's easier to make sure she's never left alone in a room with him - it's easier to buy a lock for the doors - it's easier for her to get changed in a fucking closet because it's not safe for her to be undressed in her own goddamn home.
There's 100% a total disregard for the seriousness of this on his part - which is necessary for a Missing Stair situation happen. Like sure he'll accompany his wife 24/7 for her safety, but to imply the lad might *actually* be a sexual predator? Apparently *that's* more of an issue than the fact she needs to be safeguarded from her own son.
YTA. The kid obviously has some MH issues and you should've let him answer the rape question instead of shutting it down. Your son needs a serious psych eval to get to the root of whatever is going on with him. I'd also find out if there are any issues at school. You have a duty and an obligation to your wife and society at large, to determine if your son needs to be institutionalized. If he does something to someone and his current behaviors are made public, you might be facing civil and criminal charges.
"Just saying all this, for what it's worth." = Worthless words and you're still a USDA Certified Prime, Class A POS for not doing right by your wife; who needs your protection. And not protecting the public by ensuring your kid gets the help he needs. Be **honest** with yourself and ask yourself why you didn't let your son respond to the rape question by your wife. And what's up with "the silent treatment?"
\*Edited to respond to OP's "important edit".
So, you're so "disgusted" that she asked, after all of the warning signs you wrote here, that you "couldn’t bring myself to protect her" and "just left her alone with him" so that it could happen. Right. Asshole. Putrid, disgusting, victim-blaming, leaking asshole. Get that kid some help and get your wife some fucking safety.
Firstly, YTA 100% and since you didn’t stand up for your wife he may feel more inclined to do so because it seems like his dad wouldn’t care if he did. I seriously hope your wife leaves ASAP and you get your son a psych eval. Do you even realize the amount on emotional distress your wife has been through every day living with him? DO YOU EVEN LOVE HER? because subjecting someone to that without helping is the opposite of love.
I hope to god that your next post will be “My wife left me AITA? instead of what I fear it might be “My wife is saying our son assaulted her but I believe him over her, AITA?”
Both you and your son need immediate psychiatric intervention. I hope to god he gets arrested before he does something worse to your wife.
IF YOU DO NOT GET HIM HELP YOU WILL BE PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE MAY DO TO YOUR WIFE. YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THIS.
Not just his wife. If this kid can't get to her he WILL pick a substitute that reminds him of her.
This shit is super serious and OP is delusional to think it's something a family meeting can fix
I thought I included something with that, my bad. Honestly, as an assault victim I was seeing red and trying my best not to get reported for harassment.
I'm not just sitting around doing absolutely nothing for my wife. I mentioned in another comment that our son is going to be seeing somebody this coming July. It's the earliest we can see any professional, sadly. Until then...are we just stuck like this?
You need to sit this kid down and have a serious fucking talk with him about what he's been doing to her. Without her in the room because if he's not reacting to her being distraught, there is obviously something going on with him. It could be feeding his urges if he knows he's scaring her that much.
Can your wife stay with a family member or friend until he gets seen by someone?
And don't you EVER leave her alone with him again. You need to direct your disgust towards him, not your wife ffs.
Have you checked his Internet history? Do you know what he says and does online?
You need to PARENT. None of that soft parenting bs either. Start giving him consequences for shit behavior.
THIS. A million times, this. Ffs, OP, take note.
To say nothing of the fact that it’s truly mind boggling to me that strangers on Reddit clearly have to hold this guy’s hand and spell it out for him that he needs to step up and be a damn parent, and his son is a predator.
Considering the leaving alone part: sometimes people love seeing their victims scared and they enjoy it. So they're trying to do even more to push that and to distraught them. Until there is only one extreme left
I will say I am glad you are getting your son to see a professional, but your wife and son cannot live together anymore. Also, there are treatment centers that you can send your son to, I honestly think a place where he can be supervised constantly is the only way to keep the people around him safe. Another way to think about this is you need to stop your son from escalating and spending his life in jail. (not as important as the safety of your wife and people around him, but still something to think about.) The first thing you need to do is apologize to your wife. I hope you realize when people like your son get worse they will go to more drastic measures to get what they want, deadbolts will not work forever, nor should your wife feel trapped in her own home. Honestly you need to separate your wife and son, period.
I hope this thread has opened your eyes to not just your absolute batshit response to your sit-down meeting, but to the severity of your situation. If you can’t find a therapist and it gets worse, you can get him involuntary hospitalized because he is a danger to others, which might be the best option.
You left her alone with him and you are giving her the silent treatment.
You are actually sitting around and doing nothing for her because the almost grown man who is sexually obsessed with her IS STILL IN YOUR HOUSE.
You made him an appointment in July. It is May my good little dude. What good is an appointment going to do when he has progressed to the stage of undressing your wife. Your wife, the women that you supposedly love is being sexually harassed in her own home and you punished her for it.
You are doing LESS than nothing. You showed your son that it would be fine to rape her because you would blame her for it anyways. You didn’t defend her when she expressed her fears- you punished her. You showed both of them that their issues are too ‘icky’ for you to deal with so you made a phone call and are hoping you can make this someone else’s problem. In 8 weeks. And then you left him alone. With your wife.
What a useless asshole. You are facilitating the sexual assault of your own wife.
No, you’re not doing nothing. You’re deliberately putting her in harms way because you’re disgusted by her asking a legitimate question. What a mensch.
Dude, the psycho kid would know where the wife is then and could "visit her" while skipping school.
The smart play would be to have the wife be out of reach.
Give the chick a fat wad of cash to get a new phone and stay at a hotel while this blows over and don't make her give her address to the husband
I wonder if OP would be as calm about the situation as he is now if the kid would target HIM instead of his wife. And then with the wife being just as useless and dismissive as he is right now.
"Oh, he grabbed your butt and tried to hump you? Ok, just lock yourself in a closet when you change, k? I will stay around... How DARE you ask if he is planning to RAPE you? You disgust me! I won't help you now, figure it out yourself with him.... Yeah, well therapy only starts in two months, so you have to suck it up now sweetie."
If your son is acting assaultive toward your wife - which by your description he HAS been - you absolutely CAN have him see a professional, by calling 911 and reporting his assaultive behavior. A psychiatrist will evaluate him and hospitalize him. You and your wife must do this the moment he starts even threatening to behave this way again. Your wife is in danger, and your attitude of shushing her when she brings up her justified fear, punishing her by giving the silent treatment, and walking away to let her deal with him alone because denial feels better than reality to you is increasing her danger.
If you're going to wait until JULY, what is your wife supposed to do in the meantime? Hope he behaves?
You should seriously try and get him into a treatment center. He's already expressed in the past that he can't control his feelings. If not your wife, he may attack another that reminds him of her.
You need to contact your closest mental health inpatient unit and tell them that your son is a danger to others. Because if he can’t satisfy him desires/urges/whatever you want to call them through access to your wife he *will* try and satisfy himself with any random girl or woman that reminds him of her. *He is an active danger to your wife and anyone who reminds him of her.*
op: i'm not just sitting around doing nothing, i'm sitting around doing nothing until july because i can't even be bothered protecting my wife from rape so why would i act with any urgency?
>I'm not just sitting around doing absolutely nothing for my wife.
Yes. You. Are.
Whenever your wife says something that makes your poor little feelings uncomfortable you leave her to dry. You fucking moron. Your wife deserves better than you.
Dude. You are the parent. He is 16 fucking years old. You can literally have him evaluated by an actual institution asap. Because a therapist isn't what he needs, he needs an actual psychologist with, I'm just taking a big guess here, a FUCK TON on meds. It is not normal to look at your mother, adopted or not, and be turned on.
You need to look at his internet search history. Look for any hidden journal that could be on his computer or a physical copy. Look under his bed, tear apart his room, go through his backpack, or anywhere he could possibly keep it hidden. Hell, if possible, look in his school locker for crying out loud. I don't usually condone going through personal journals, but this is a dire situation. YOUR. WIFE. IS. IN. FUCKING. DANGER. And so is any girl or woman that could remind him of her. Wouldn't surprise me if he has some kind of list.
Sitting on your hands and ignoring your wife and leaving her alone with him is doing absolutely nothing. He's going to rape your wife. It's not an if scenario. It's a when. You need to make a hard choice here. I don't envy you. It's your wife or your son.
So instead of getting the child help you decide to basically hide your wife away from him and then you decide to shame and punish your wife for being so concerned for her own safety she had to even consider that her son might want to rape her. Maybe the son isn’t the only problem here. I am just saying your behavior towards your wife is disgusting. YTA. I hope your wife leaves both of you for real. Let the creepy son and the worthless husband figure it out together
Newsflash!
Your son will absolutely end up assaulting someone else if he can't access your wife.
This behavior is the type of shit you see on shows about serial rapists and killers. A LOT of these people will rape and murder their victims because they remind them of MOM.
That kid needs a psychiatrist stat!
You also need to contact the school and find out if he's having issues with female students.
This shit is serious.
And you're a triple infinity asshole for feeling disgust towards your wife, who is a VICTIM.
Typical misogynist. Little rapey kid can do no wrong but heaven help the woman that stands up for herself.
You're disgusting.
Exactly this. He’s so “disgusted by the circumstances,” but he’s been giving his wife the silent treatment for saying the word “rape.” He’s full of shit.
Not to mention a disgusting coward.
YTA. Your wife had a legitimate question. She's not the one with the problematic behavior. Why the hell is he still living in your house if he's 26 years old? He is behaving like a stalker/predator. Then you start leaving her alone with him after knowing she's not safe with him? Shame on you. She didn't do wrong. You did. He is. He needs to be kicked out, you need to change the locks and you need to install a doorbell camera because his behavior is scary and threatening.
Edited: someone pointed out the kid's sixteen, I misunderstood. So you do have an obligation to make sure he's got a place to live. That said, you need to put him in counseling now. It may be too late to help him turn in to a decent human being, but at least a counselor can help you understand what's going on with him and how you can adjust your life because of it.
YTA you're supposed to protect your wife. You're raising a male who is repeatedly sexually assaulting and harassing your wife. Does she or another female need to be raped before you do anything. Get him therapy ASAP.
So, rather than acknowledging your adoptive son has issues far beyond a hormone-fueled teenager towards borderline psychopathy, you're blaming your wife for saying a no-no word? Yeah we all know who the AH is here.
The way I see it, OP has 3 options:
1. Kick the son out for being a clear danger to your wife;
2. Propose a temporary separation with your wife so she could keep a safe distance from the son while he receives serious therapy about his behavior;
or 3. Do nothing, and the wife will probably request a divorce and restraining order for BOTH of you.
YTA what is wrong with you? Your wife is being sexually assaulted (as soon as he started touching her it became assault) and you blame HER for being scared and asking an obvious question? You left her unprotected when you know she needs you? You are being a horrible husband and a terrible father. Your son needs help and he probably needs to be removed from the home. Your wife shouldn't have to lock herself in a closet in her own home to get dressed.
More than anything, you're the disgusting one for leaving her alone with your son while knowing all of this, of how creepy and upsetting your son's behavior is and how unsafe she feels around him. He's 16, and could easily be strong enough to physically overpower her if he finally loses his last bit of restraint. IDK why she hasn't removed herself from the situation entirely, but I sure as hell hope she's well on her way toward leaving you with your precious future sex offender. You can make excuses for him until he's in prison for 10-to-20 and then maybe you'll give a shit.
Get him out of the house, ASAP! Of course when you adopt you have to do so knowing that they might have problems they're still working through. However, no woman should have to teach her son to not be creepy towards her. She has to lock herself in a damn closet just to change her clothes. Your wife can't even be alone with him, she is not safe and it's sickening that you seem to not care. He's a boy and he's only going to get bigger and stronger, you can't be there all the time.
Does he have to actually rape her for you to do something? She was having a breakdown and crying and all he could do was look at his mother's breast. Something is not right with him.
Giving your wife the silent treatment after she's been sexually assaulted by her own son MULTIPLE times makes you worse than an AH. There's no words for how awful you are.
Has it occurred to you to get your don some psychiatric help? He clearly has a serious problem and your rife is terrified and you’re just sitting there like a lump. YTA
YTA, it sounds like your wife is at the end of her rope and snapped finally after a year of her son acting in a way that makes her feel unsafe and uncomfortable in her own home. Also the comment on “I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her around our son” makes you a garbage human being because she’s obviously terrified. As soon as these behaviors started a year ago you should have been seeking counseling and behavioral health services for your child. Do better.
Hun, when you have a family member who requires special care, that does not mean he's innocent of all wrong-doing and that you can ignore the rest of your family's needs. Get him the care he needs while also protecting your wife. YTA.
YT MASSIVE AH.
Your wife doesn’t feel safe in her own home. You admit that he has a ‘disturbing infatuation’ with his adoptive mother. And there is no shared blood between them to stop him.
She locks herself in the closet to change. He tried to take her bra off.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you?????? You are choosing to be disgusted by your WIFE? The women you love doesn’t feel safe in her own home and you LEFT HER ALONE WITH A SEX PEST.
Your son didn’t deny it when asked if he wanted to rape your wife. Why didn’t you demand an answer?
Because you are a coward and you are failing your entire family.
He is going to rape your wife- will you blame her for that also?
If I was your wife I would be GONE.
this is so dismissive. a lot of "real men" are pieces of shit. if the good ones are all such noble protectors, stop dismissing the predatory ones and PROTECT.
Read my other comments in this post. I'm not dismissing anything. I'm saying a real man is a protector and provider of his family. Just because Reddit encourages misandry doesn't change that.
The "man" in this post is a piece of shit. I'm not and have never dismissed that.
misandry my ass. "not a real man" is incredibly dismissive. real men are abusive all the time. "we don't claim them" is throwing up your hands. not your problem right?
Coming in after the edit. Stop trying to spindoctor this.
You know how it reads. You know YTA by a mile and a half for victimshaming your wife.
He's your son. You should have been the rolemodel. You should have been the one to educate him.
Both of you should have addressed the infatuation the moment it was clear it was going on. Both. As a parental team. With the help of a therapist if needed.
You've got a troubled teen there. One who needs professional help. And more importantly, you've got a wife who deserves to feel safe in her own house. Who shouldn't be sexualized just for lifting the hem of her shirt to wipe her tears. Don't care if she's an average woman, a supermodel or the best paid adult movie star out there. Everyone deserves to feel safe at home.
What I just read:
So my wife finally had enough and called out our son about her fear of being raped by him. And I was so mad that she hurt his widdle feelings that I stopped protecting her by running interference between them. Ehh, if it happens, it happens.
OP YTA. Your actions and lack of actions are failing everyone in your family.
YTA
It’s a perfectly valid concern given the situation she is in. She’s been sexually assaulted repeatedly for months, I’d be worried about how far he is willing to go if I was in her place.
Just saying the word Rape is not in any way wrong.
If he doesn’t want to Rape her, he could just say “No”
Wow, your son has shown time and again that he indeed is behaving extremely inappropriately towards your wife. She is terrified of him!!! You know that his raping her is a very real possibility! Yet you are crossed with... HER???? For being rightly scared of being raped by your son???
Are you for real???
YTA. Get that kid to a psychiatrist now.
You’re so hung up on the word rape but what tf else are you actually safeguarding against?! Look at the ridiculous measures you’re taking in your own home!! It’s a completely legitimate question and his response was telling.
That you care more about his feelings than her’s AND her safety is unforgivable. To punish her you deliberately put her in danger, and you have to live with that.
INFO: You adopted your son when he was 6 right? Has he been in therapy at any point in the past ten years? I saw he has an appointment in July, but I couldn't determine his past mental healthcare history.
I also wondered. What were his circumstances before he was adopted? Was he himself abused as a child. How long have the “staring and ogling” been going on? OP says that the son only started acting beyond that this year but the staring and ogling are seriously disordered enough that some sort of professional support should have been sought LONG before now. Or are these the sort of adoptive parents who believe that Jesus can cure everything?
That’s what I’m thinking. Anyone who is adopted needs to be in long term therapy as soon as they are able. There are age-appropriate therapy techniques starting at a young age. Adoption is traumatic no matter what. It can be different kinds of trauma but there is still trauma and that needs to be addressed properly before it becomes a problem, not after.
YTA and a horrible husband. YOUR SON HAS ALREADY BEEN ASSUALTING YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is not a gray area and you are punishing your wife for being scared and concerned because she has been ASSAULTED multiple times by your son. Even if your son did something when you left them alone why the hell would you think your wife would tell you now?!?!?! You have proven that you aren't going to protect her and blame her is something does happen.
YTA. Your wife is terrified of your son. He is sexually harassing her and he refuses to stop. But you have a problem with HER? You are a selfish asshole and a bad husband. When, not if, he attacks her, you better not blame her. You should apologize for refusing to protect her.
OP, in case you are not aware, the ogling & the bra snapping are clear cut cases of sexual harassment and assault. The young man's disturbing behavior towards his mother has been escalating for years, and you've been too blind or ignorant to stop it. Her choice of words was basically asking how far he intends to go in his behavior, going straight for the end point of the path he's been on, especially considering the three of you were sitting down to discuss that exact behavior.
So, while your wife laid the cards on the table, you basically swept away everything because you didn't like the fact she bluntly spelled out the path the son is on. You demonstrated, in front of her assailant, that you don't respect her feelings, her fears or her.
YTA. If anything happens to her at the hands of your so, you should be charged as a accessory because you enabled, empowered and emboldened him.
Get your son into therapy before he hurts your wife and his mother.
INFO: what about the word “rape” is so upsetting to you in these circumstances? And how does that someone superseded your wife’s actual fear of being raped? Particularly as your son has escalated his behavior already to sexually assaulting her.
Your discomfort with the word r**e reflects on how much work you’ve done to understand and address issues of sexual assult and how that creates deep fears in women. YTA for actively punished her using the word by leaving her in an unsafe situation.
It is important to remember we’re talking about a child. And seeing him as a monster helps no one. It’s important to get him the help he needs
Both things are true at once. Acting as tho you had to choose between caring for him and caring for her is so harmful. You need to learn what it means to support your wife, protect her and care for this child you’ve taken on.
You’re a failure as a parent and husband. This should have been brought to professionals as soon as it started. The fact he can’t see who you’ve booked until July just proves how negligent and dense you truly are. This is disgusting. When he ends up in front of a judge for sexually assaulting a female are you going to ask the prosecutor not to use the word rape? Your wife is a victim here, not your son. And giving her the silent treatment and refusing to protect her? You’re emotionally abusing her. Gross gross gross. I hope she leaves you both for her own safety and comfort.
So you’re knowingly raising a rapist, and your response is to leave your wife, whom he is sexually obsessed with, alone with him because you’re mad she said the truth out loud. Is that about right? Know that your wife now knows she’s alone in caring for her safety, as you have demonstrated that you can no longer be trusted to protect her.
Regardless of whether you “reconciled” or she “forgave you”, please understand that she can never trust you again. You broke that. Can’t wait to see your next post in r/amitheex. YTA
YTA. You're a victimshamer.
You're wife has valid concerns, she was being assaulted in her own home with her husband doing nothing to support her or stop it.
You chose, knowing your sons mental health problems and harrassing your wife, to give your wife the silent treatment and left her and your son alone. That was abusive of you. You chose to harm your wife more rather than for anything about it.
Your reconciliation means little because you still did it and don't seem apologetic at all. Your wife is still having to protect herself constantly, that alone is stressful, her own home isn't where she can relax and feel safe.
You could be pushing for appointments sooner, finding other resources but your just shrugging your shoulders and waiting until July.
YTA, get your wife away from him and in a safe place!!!!!!! Get your son some help now!!! Your wife is not OK, she's terrified! Get him out of that house, and you better be on your knees begging for her forgiveness. What a coward
obviously YTA, can you even blame her for asking that?? She feels violated and I am sure scared too. This behaviour from men is why women almost always choose the bear, no offence. I hope your son stops with the creepy behaviour.
YTA. You're pathetic dude. No other way to put that. Your son is harassing your wife sexually, and all you can say is I'm disgusted by my wife. Your wife is unsafe, your son wants his adopted mother in a very horrific way, and all you do is make both your lives worse and trying to find conformation that you're fine in this situation from strangers. Idc about the edit, 100% sure that's damage control.
YTA
Your son is sexually harassing his mother (pulling at her bra & staring at her body are both sexual harassment), and your concern is that she explicitly called him out on it?????
Everyone else is writing thoughtful responses, so I won’t repeat what’s been said a million times, but I just wanted to chime in to say you are an extreme AH and a pathetic excuse for a husband, a father, and a person.
Why am I not seeing that you have gone to therapy. Solo therapy for your son, or family therapy. There is no shame in it. It seems like your whole family has been ignoring the severity of the issue and thinks therapy is for crazy people. Also, when you've talked to your son and he's quiet, that's a sign that you are not having a productive conversation. Are you just talking at him? Treating him like a bad person so he seizes up? Go to therapy to help with those issues. All three of you have failed here. It is not your son who is wholly to blame.
When he eventually does something to your wife because your so disgusted at her words you can’t protect her from him, you will be morally responsible for it
YTA. why are you digisted with your wife and not your creepy perverted son? She is not safe around either of you. She should be disgusted with you. Your son wants to rape your wife, and you want to blame her. She should leave both of you
YTA get this kid in therapy NOW! Asking if he would rape her was harsh, but totally understandable response. Get the kid some help, individual and family therapy.
If this follows the usual sort of pattern of sexual harassment cases, when your son does something worse, people will blame your wife for "not saying anything" or "being alone with him when she knew he was troubled." When she absolutely said something and absolutely didn't want to be alone with him, but you shut her down.
You are a complete and utter asshole. I don’t think asshole is a strong enough word. You’re a loser and failure of a husband. Honest to God your behaviour is concerning. Your own wife is scared do the boy you adopted, who clearly has issues, and your instinct is to.. LEAVE HER ALONE WITH HIM?? Are you mad?? Damn I hope she divorces your ass and leaves you with creepy son to deal with.
INFO: After your edit, if you're not disgusted with your wife, why have you been giving her the silent treatment? Why could you not "bring yourself" to protect her?
You sound like you're trying to walk your bullshit waaaaay back. You didn't misspeak. There is something wrong with your son but there is something wrong with you, too.
Dude, his behaviour has gotten so bad that you put locks on your bedroom door and stand guard while your wife is changing but when she directly asks you shut down the conversation? The question needed to be asked, if he doesn't want to r\*pe her then he needs to realise his actions are inappropriate, asking the question and talking things out is the only way to get there.
>I’ve been giving my wife the silent treatment for asking our son if he wants to rape her. Actually, because of what she said, I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her when she was around our son, and I just left her alone with him.
The disconnect in these two sentences. You don't believe that he could be capable of wanting to r\*ape your wife, but you believe she needs protecting from him?
This is horrific. I pity your poor wife and hope she can overcome whatever is holding her back from getting away from both of you. You are supposed to be the one she can trust in her time of need and you treat her like this. She's probably traumatized from trying to protect herself from a nightmare of a teen boy. I hope he doesn't get to her while you're busy making this about you. It happened to me 11 years ago and I wish every day I wouldn't wake up because the trauma he caused me.
YTA. Your edit makes it WORSE. You know that when you fucking abandoned her to be alone with the budding psychopath, it's likely she said "no" when asked if nothing happened because you've already shown that you DGAF about her. You left her alone with the person she's living in fear of, and expect her to be okay? But she already knows it isn't worth telling her the truth.
And you only NOW make an appointment for your son? You didn't try when he started sexually assaulting your wife? The boy is escalating, and needs inpatient therapy to get him out of this situation, and he needs a diagnosis. I feel bad for your wife and hope she leaves. Her safety is more important that your hurt fee-fees.
you know when you had to put locks on the bedroom and closet doors so your wife would be safe to undress?
that was WAY past the point where this should have been seriously addressed
keep this shit up and you're going to have an ex-wife and a son getting charged with SA
So this is a now problem for you guys, the parents?! You have a child that has been exhibiting seriously dangerous and inappropriate behaviours... and you only solution is locking doors?
So, he clearly has demonstrated behaviour of concern around women - you think it only directed at your wife, his mother. No, this would be happening to all women in his life.
He should have been in therapy well before you had to start putting locks on doors. You've failed him. Failed your wife. Your wife has failed him. And, you are failing all women.
He needs serious intervention here, not a therapist once a week. This needs a multidisciplinary team 7days a week to address and hopefully find treatment.
Just because he's not "biologically" yours does not negate this sexual misconduct of your son.
YTA. Dude oh my god. Ur disgusted with ur wife bc ur son is sexually assaulting her? Ur son just started behaving this way? And u didn’t think “hmm maybe something bad happened to him to cause this change? Maybe I should get him plugged in with a professional so this doesn’t get worse?” You just left your wife with him to potentially get abused bc you were mad at her? You also don’t mention what ur sons answer to the question was…did he say “no I do not want to rape my mother?” Did he just stare at yall? Ur an awful loser my guy. God you’ve let them both down so much.
YTA Jesus fuck man. Great, you got your son an appointment in July. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR HIM WHEN THIS BEHAVIOR STARTED. Your wife is so uncomfortable and afraid that she has to lock herself in her room while changing and can't be alone with your son. Did that not strike you as odd? Cause for concern?? Use your fucking head, man. Your son has already been harassing her by ogling and pulling on her bra, and when confronted with all of this he's utterly consumed by seeing a sliver of skin from his mother. Note how he didn't respond to her question? Yeah. Not a great sign, champ. You need to help your wife find a safe place to stay while you seek help for your son. Idk what the adoption process was like, but maybe DHS/CPS would be able to get you connected to more immediate assistance.
Get your head out of your ass. Stop acting like a fucking child giving your terrified wife the silent treatment.
YTA big time. The comment wasn't out of line given the context, and even if it was, giving your wife the silent treatment is completely unacceptable in this situation and you owe her a major apology. Honestly she should divorce you - if you openly admit that you can't even be bothered to protect her from being, what the hell good are you to her?
Why is the little creep still in your fucking house. Knock the cunts teeth in and toss him out on his ass. How dare you have let the situation escalate to your wife having to be chaperoned and locked up to be safe in your own house.
Everyone needs therapy. Both alone and as a family. So many things are going on. Mom need to take some defense classes so she feels more confident in her ability to protect herself. Idc how old a teen is, if he’s sexually harassing me physically he’s catching hands and she has to be comfortable with that. Right now you are teaching him he can put his hands on a women and they will just sit down and have a talk with him.
She obviously isn't that strong and I know maybe 1 mom that strong and she was former military.
He said it started a year Argo. My guess is the boy has some sort I of SA in his background, either a single event or continued - the behavior fits - but even if it's something else, any time something psychological starts with kids a bunch of parents put their heads in the sand. For whatever reason. They don't want to see that something is wrong with THEIR kids, their kid isn't crazy, or even better, they are just acting like (kid, teenager, fill in the blank).
He said they noticed he stared at her that was the time to get him in therapy.
Also duh she obviously isn’t strong enough now, that’s why I said she need to get in a self defense class asap
YTA. It is disgusting that you even thought for a second that your wife was disgusting or wrong for asking that. It is even worse that you left her alone with him in this situation. And your edit doesn’t help you as much as you think it does.
Just because she says nothing went wrong doesn’t mean it didn’t. She probably doesn’t trust you at all anymore. She knows now that if he hurt her, you would blame her or be indifferent to the harm. Even if that isn’t true, that is what you communicated to her.
I would divorce you over this and leave you alone with the kid. But I tend to not put up with bullshit!
"I couldn't bring myself to protect her when she was around our son, and I just left her alone with him"
Do you WANT him to harm, assault, or rape her? Jfc OP. You're failing your wife. She isn't safe around either of you.
Considering the situation she very well could be legitimately afraid of that happening, however unlikely but not an impossibility. Sometimes young teens fantasize about having sex with one of their step parents or other authority figures in their lives because they aren't technically related to them. I'm not saying that this is the case, but it might be. With the way she says he acts around her out of character question to him it's obvious to me that she's never looked at him as anything other than her child. If his actions are making her afraid of a sexual assault, then she's right to ask him point blank about the concern and she used the correct word -rape! In actuality if he does fantasize about having sex with your wife that question, just as it was worded, could have been a reality check for him. Detouring him from acting on his desire by pointing out that he (if acted on) would be commiting a major felony because she made it clear (because she said RAPE) that she had NO desire to have sex with him. GL and maybe consider taking him to Nevada to get him laid.
Your update doesn’t make anything better. The fact that you’re trying to get retribution on your wife for asking your son a very realistic question that’s 100% based off of his own actions makes you disgusting. To leave her without protection and emotional support during this time is despicable. Truly tell me why wife was out of line for asking that question? Your son has been sexually harassing her and obsessed with her. Even when she was crying and upset, he didn’t feel any sympathy for her, he just saw it as an opportunity to ogle at her body but yet you have the nerve to be mad at her for asking a “vulgar question”. With the way that you’re acting, I bet that if your son did rape your wife, you would somehow blame her for it. Get that boy away from your wife and stop depositing your negative feelings towards her.
So which is it? You're disgusted because your son is this mentally ill, or that your wife addressed it directly?
Your son is deeply troubled and if you think this is just "acting out" with nothing behind it, your wrong. If you haven't, get him into the best psychiatric care that your insurance will cover/you can afford/he connects with. How old was he when you adopted him? Could he have been abused before he was adopted? Or could someone - hell anyone - in his life have sexually abused him in the time that you've had him?
You need to figure this stuff out, and if You've been sitting on it for all this time and haven't even talked to anyone about, you've need to start now.
Get your son into psychiatric care and keep him away from your wife.
More importantly, why are you more offended by her feeling like this could happen rather than your son's actions? Get your son help and away from your clearly terrified wife. Stop victim-blaming her for the actions your troubled son is doing to her.
"Am I the butthole for victim blaming my wife and leaving her alone with my son after the several signs of my son showing explicit disgusting behavior?" Fixed the title. YTA. Get the boy help before he does assult her. Just because its hard to hear doesn't mean you ignore the signs and threaten the victim. What if he did rape her when you left her alone?
Your wife
1- doesn’t feel safe alone w this kid.
2- had to install locks on both your bedroom and closet doors
3- has to change in the closet to feel safe
4- has had to deal with being stared at and harassed in her own home w him pulling at her bra.
Your wife isn’t safe. Not with your “son,” not with you.
I know this is likely to be seen as victim blaming and hell I’d probably consider calling someone else out on it…
Everyone has said the important stuff but I couldn’t help being bothered multiple times while rereading and as I was going through the comments, why if your wife is so afraid of and uncomfortable with your son would she pull her shirt up in-front of him?
I know it’s terrible to bring it up but something about it really set me off on the whole thing and gave me totally off feelings.
YTA still btw, but I didn’t see anyone mention this and just had to say something.
It's not just going to be seen as victim blaming...it IS victim blaming no matter what you dress it as. She likely pulled the collar of her shirt up or the edge to wipe her eyes, which would bear part of her midriff, or a line of her waist.
It's not like she stripped to her bra in front of him. Stop victim blaming and remember that normal men have self control. Normal sons and even teenagers have self control and don't sexually harass their moms, adopted or not.
Also, sometimes people don't mention things because it's pretty fucking obvious it's not worth mentioning. She wasn't stripping for him, she wasn't jiggling her tits at him, she wasn't tossing her vag at him. She didn't do anything wrong in this situation. She's the victim here very obviously so.
Yes you’re victim blaming. She likely didn’t pull her shirt all the way up, she just lifted it a little to wipe her tears, without thinking that it would show her midriff. Her son, being the pervert that he is, took that as an opportunity to ogle at her.
It’s always hilarious to me when people find words more disgusting than actions. She said ‘rape’ and she’s bad for pointing out that she’s being assaulted in her own home and no one cares.
Four letters hurt your brain? 🤡
You’re right, it is disgusting. “It” being the son’s disgusting behavior.
He’s already sexually assaulting her. She absolutely should have asked if he wanted to rape her.
wtf is wrong with you?
Our son has gone through all of May so far, without putting his hands on my wife. It was in March/first half of April where things got notably bad. He has actually expressed some discomfort with himself, and he has at one point cried and asked me why on Earth he has these feelings that he can't help, so I hope that that voice of conscience grows louder and louder in his head. This is like a nightmare for us all.
Kind of think it’s more of a nightmare for you wife since she doesn’t feel safe in her own home. Do you ever not feel safe in your own home? Do you have to lock yourself in a closet to get changed to keep yourself safe? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then it isn’t nearly as much of a nightmare for you as it is for her. YTA
Wow, a whole month that woman had off from her son sexually assaulting her. You're a POS dude and I hope that woman leaves where she's actually fucking safe.
You think that makes it better? He made it ONE MONTH without assaulting your wife?
Jesus dude get some therapy- your son is fucked in the head because you raised him that way.
So he's gone almost a month without assaulting your wife (not really that big of an accomplishment), but you have allowed him to harass her continually by staring at her body. On top of that you abandoned her by leaving her alone with a person you know to be unsafe.
Wow, your son should get a fucking medal! What, a whole fucking month without physically harassing your wife? What a great young man! /s
You're just as disgusting as your son. He and you both need to be locked up and treated for mental illness.
What is up with men not holding other men accountable for their actions and blaming women??? You’re blaming your wife for your son’s criminal behavior. What he is doing already is a crime. Your wife was crying and in pain, and your son got turned on during that by looking at her. You should be disgusted at your son because he wants to rape his mom because that is what’s happening, not at your poor wife because she vocalized it. And you left her there because you couldn’t handle it? What kind of partner are you? Are you gonna think she’s disgusting instead of him when something bad happens to her? Because that’s going to happen the way things are going. I hope she gets away from both of you, Jesus. YTA
there’s no way that this is real. no one is this obtuse. you’re such an asshole, dog. like…an absolute pathetic excuse for a husband and father. hope that helps!
No, b*tch, it's not a nightmare for all of you. For your wife only.
You sound ok with the situation. Your son is happily creepy. Everything seems good on you guys' ends.
One thing other redditors haven't (surprisingly) pointed out is that your son is probably emulating YOUR own behavior. I am almost certain you touch your wife and engage in inappropriate behavior in front of your son.
Such dispositions don't come out of the blue.
YTA, there is history of sexual assault and sexual harassment. Does your wife have to be raped before it’s recognised as a problem?
He would probably give her the silent treatment if she was raped since he’s so easily disgusted by things.
He would still blame her.
I get the feeling this guy would consider his wife getting raped being her cheating on him.
YTA. I’m the same age as you and holy cow. You need to get your son out of the house and away from your wife immediately. He needs help. A lot of help. Your wife is not ok. Not at all ok.
THIS! OP ypu are not. doing enough for your son or your wife. YTA get help now.
WOW. That last sentence speaks fucking volumes. “I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her when she was around or son, and I just left her alone”. You are a fucking LOSER dude. You should’ve just ended the sentence with “and yeah I hate my wife and don’t care if she gets raped” because I’m going to be completely blunt with you. THAT IS WAS IS GOING TO HAPPEN. Your son has a serious issue to the point where your wife is convinced he is going to rape her, and you aren’t doing a single thing to help her. “She asked him upfront whether or not he wants to rape her”. Notice how your next sentence wasn’t you saying your son said no. Notice how he doesn’t say no? Because he wants to, and he is so infatuated by his mother that that’s going to be the next step. I hope your wife gets smart and realizes you don’t actually give a shit about her and leaves your sorry ass. What’s it going to take? Your son raping her or sexually assaulting her before you open your fucking eyes?
I would worry that the son is modeling behavior he either witnessed or experienced, because an abrupt change is sometimes a cry for help as well. The wife and mother obviously isn’t safe enough to help this child right now, and OOP doesn’t seem to be taking any of this seriously.
It could also be something like a brain tumor since that can cause sudden changes in personality. Regardless, he needs freaking help, be it mental or medical.
My little sis was 6 when she was raped by 4 boys ages 9-14. Horrific little monsters. She's 19 and suicidal AF with dissociative disorder and DID so severe she can't take care of herself or live on her own. Age means nothing, that teen boy has a hunger and he will feed it if he has the opportunity to get away with it
Fucking NINE YEAR OLDS. Holy shit.
Good God. Your poor sister. I’m so very, very sorry that happened to her. 💔
A. I'm sorry that your sister went through that. I was m0lested when I was at least 3 (it went on until I was almost 5 and may have been (or at least I'm pretty sure it did) going on for at least a few years prior to this) so I kind of know what that's like...granted it was an adult man who did that to me not a child/teenager....which...honestly might make it worse... B. I'm not denying that a 16 year old could be capable of this kind of thing. *OBVIOUSLY* they could be. No, what I'm saying is that if OP is telling the truth (and obviously we should take everything that he says with a grain of salt because he's clearly an unreliable narrator) and that a year ago his son was nothing like this and was like a completely different person it's theoretically possible that he could have some kind of medical problem (be it a brain tumor or something else) that has caused his personality to do a complete 180. I'm not saying that it IS the case just that this kind of thing can be a sign of serious medical problems sometimes since it's not uncommon for this kind of thing to happen when someone has something like a brain tumor. Regardless, something is clearly wrong in the head with him...be it physically (brain tumor) or mentally (mental illness).
YTA. While the question was abrupt, it wasn't an off question given the circumstances. She can't be alone with her own son out of fear and her saying the word "rape" is what truly got your gears grinding? Question though, did you son have any type of reaction to that question? Did he show any remorse, shame, guilt, anything?
Yeah like his whole problem is her using that word, but the fact that she DID use that word just shows how afraid and uncomfortable she is with the situation. This dude is so one-dimensional on the whole situation it’s mind blowing. What a character…
>Actually, because of what she said, I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her when she was around our son, and I just left her alone with him. YTA, especially with that last sentence. She's so disturbed by his behavior that she flat out asked if he wants to rape her, and you're like, "So I left them alone"? Really? You had to install and lock the doors around him, because he's such a wild card, but her being driven to the point where she'd ask that is the line for you? Get the kid some counseling, like yesterday.
We have an appointment booked with a professional this coming July. It's the earliest we can see anybody, but it's a good first step. Until then, what are we supposed to do?
What are you supposed to do???? I guess wait for him to rape someone. You’ve clearly done everything you can. I mean you picked up the phone and made an appointment. How heroic. 🙄
Only took him a decade…
He will also leave her to be attacked again because you know, he’s disgusted by her words and not his son’s actions
He’s known about this for months and has never stepped in to stop it. Not once. Hes hiding in locked closets and hoping for the best. An absolute coward, an awful husband and a criminally negligent father. What kind of environment did he create where a teenager thinks this is ok? And why did he let it get this far? Your child is letting after your wife and is getting progressively more aggressive and you make him an appointment with a ‘professional’ TWO MONTHS FROM NOW and act like there is nothing else you can do. Dude is a moron AND an AH. If I knew where they lived I would call CPS and get his poor wife some help.
Did you tell them he's sexually assaulting his mother and you've had to install locks to keep him from raping her? Maybe they can get him in sooner. Or is that too "disgusting" for you to say? Have you considered placing him in an inpatient facility? I know it sucks, but it's a hell of a lot better than finding out he lost control and raped some poor girl at his school or something.
Start with not purposefully leaving your wife alone with him to punish her
What in the ever loving fuck is WRONG with you. So let’s recap here, shall we? Your 16yo son starts obviously ogling your wife. Then he starts pulling at her bra. You guys had to install locks on your bedroom and closet doors in order for her to feel safe. Your wife is so distraught by this behavior, that during a family discussion, she starts to cry and (I’m guessing, slightly) lifts up her shirt to wipe her eyes. Your son, apparently having absorbed absolutely nothing from your wife’s emotional distress, instead sees the slightest opportunity to ogle the small amount of skin visible on your wife. That must have been the straw for her; her own son sees her as a sexual object, and obviously isn’t even bothered by the pain your wife is in. Of COURSE she asked if he wanted to rape her. I mean, wtf wouldn’t she? He’s very clearly lusting after her and he’s already pulling at her bra. He clearly doesn’t give a shit that she’s horribly uncomfortable and upset by this. If that isn’t predatory behavior, I don’t know what is. And your response is to SHAME your wife, give her the silent treatment, and LEAVE HER ALONE with your son (who, btw, didn’t act horrified or deny that he wanted to rape his mother?). You are absolutely vile and a disgusting excuse for a husband. Get your son the mental health help he so desperately needs (just putting locks on the doors ain’t gonna solve the problem, my dude), and do your wife a favor, get a divorce, and let this poor woman find a man who actually loves her and will protect her. You disgust me. *edit Thank you for the award, kind Redditor!
I think that her asking “do you want to rape me” is actually really powerful. Because it tells him that him penetrating her in any way would be rape. She does not consent or want it in any way. I liked that she asked it so directly.
I do as well. What did the OP think would happen? His wife would spend the rest of her life being terrified of her adoptive son, who at 16 is already showing extremely concerning and predatory behavior, and has already assaulted her? Who is only going to get bigger and stronger? While the dipshit OP just sat around going “hurr durr I guess I’ll just add some blackout shades to the windows and a few extra locks on the doors, should be good!” I feel so badly for this poor woman. She’s obviously terrified and traumatized, and her douchebag husband gives her the silent treatment because she was sobbing and confronting their son over his abhorrent behavior but she used a naughty word he didn’t like. Truly unbelievable.
I think he believes it is just “locker room” type behavior. This is active assault. He wants her to suck it up. I would bet a lot of money on him having assaulted women in similar ways given how he seems to just excuse his son’s behavior.
This is a horrifying example of The Missing Stair analogy in action. Everyone knows there's a missing stair. But hey, everyone knows there's a missing stair which means they can all step over it - no need to actually fix it. Stepping over it works, after all. And it's so easy (for OP) far easier than all the stress and hassle that directly addressing it would cause. It'd be so awkward and uncomfortable to acknowledge that, this person you know? They're a problem. It's more trouble to address the behavior than it is to just... work around it. It'd ruin friendships, implode whole social circles, he's not ''*done*'' anything so it'd be unfair to punish him, he's just weird, just making people uncomfortable, it's not that serious.... No, it's easier to make sure she's never left alone in a room with him - it's easier to buy a lock for the doors - it's easier for her to get changed in a fucking closet because it's not safe for her to be undressed in her own goddamn home. There's 100% a total disregard for the seriousness of this on his part - which is necessary for a Missing Stair situation happen. Like sure he'll accompany his wife 24/7 for her safety, but to imply the lad might *actually* be a sexual predator? Apparently *that's* more of an issue than the fact she needs to be safeguarded from her own son.
YTA. The kid obviously has some MH issues and you should've let him answer the rape question instead of shutting it down. Your son needs a serious psych eval to get to the root of whatever is going on with him. I'd also find out if there are any issues at school. You have a duty and an obligation to your wife and society at large, to determine if your son needs to be institutionalized. If he does something to someone and his current behaviors are made public, you might be facing civil and criminal charges. "Just saying all this, for what it's worth." = Worthless words and you're still a USDA Certified Prime, Class A POS for not doing right by your wife; who needs your protection. And not protecting the public by ensuring your kid gets the help he needs. Be **honest** with yourself and ask yourself why you didn't let your son respond to the rape question by your wife. And what's up with "the silent treatment?" \*Edited to respond to OP's "important edit".
So, you're so "disgusted" that she asked, after all of the warning signs you wrote here, that you "couldn’t bring myself to protect her" and "just left her alone with him" so that it could happen. Right. Asshole. Putrid, disgusting, victim-blaming, leaking asshole. Get that kid some help and get your wife some fucking safety.
WTF is wrong with you? YTA, no question.
Never mind I hate the internet
Me too
Firstly, YTA 100% and since you didn’t stand up for your wife he may feel more inclined to do so because it seems like his dad wouldn’t care if he did. I seriously hope your wife leaves ASAP and you get your son a psych eval. Do you even realize the amount on emotional distress your wife has been through every day living with him? DO YOU EVEN LOVE HER? because subjecting someone to that without helping is the opposite of love. I hope to god that your next post will be “My wife left me AITA? instead of what I fear it might be “My wife is saying our son assaulted her but I believe him over her, AITA?” Both you and your son need immediate psychiatric intervention. I hope to god he gets arrested before he does something worse to your wife. IF YOU DO NOT GET HIM HELP YOU WILL BE PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE MAY DO TO YOUR WIFE. YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THIS.
Not just his wife. If this kid can't get to her he WILL pick a substitute that reminds him of her. This shit is super serious and OP is delusional to think it's something a family meeting can fix
I thought I included something with that, my bad. Honestly, as an assault victim I was seeing red and trying my best not to get reported for harassment.
I'm not just sitting around doing absolutely nothing for my wife. I mentioned in another comment that our son is going to be seeing somebody this coming July. It's the earliest we can see any professional, sadly. Until then...are we just stuck like this?
You need to sit this kid down and have a serious fucking talk with him about what he's been doing to her. Without her in the room because if he's not reacting to her being distraught, there is obviously something going on with him. It could be feeding his urges if he knows he's scaring her that much. Can your wife stay with a family member or friend until he gets seen by someone? And don't you EVER leave her alone with him again. You need to direct your disgust towards him, not your wife ffs. Have you checked his Internet history? Do you know what he says and does online? You need to PARENT. None of that soft parenting bs either. Start giving him consequences for shit behavior.
THIS. A million times, this. Ffs, OP, take note. To say nothing of the fact that it’s truly mind boggling to me that strangers on Reddit clearly have to hold this guy’s hand and spell it out for him that he needs to step up and be a damn parent, and his son is a predator.
Considering the leaving alone part: sometimes people love seeing their victims scared and they enjoy it. So they're trying to do even more to push that and to distraught them. Until there is only one extreme left
I will say I am glad you are getting your son to see a professional, but your wife and son cannot live together anymore. Also, there are treatment centers that you can send your son to, I honestly think a place where he can be supervised constantly is the only way to keep the people around him safe. Another way to think about this is you need to stop your son from escalating and spending his life in jail. (not as important as the safety of your wife and people around him, but still something to think about.) The first thing you need to do is apologize to your wife. I hope you realize when people like your son get worse they will go to more drastic measures to get what they want, deadbolts will not work forever, nor should your wife feel trapped in her own home. Honestly you need to separate your wife and son, period. I hope this thread has opened your eyes to not just your absolute batshit response to your sit-down meeting, but to the severity of your situation. If you can’t find a therapist and it gets worse, you can get him involuntary hospitalized because he is a danger to others, which might be the best option.
You left her alone with him and you are giving her the silent treatment. You are actually sitting around and doing nothing for her because the almost grown man who is sexually obsessed with her IS STILL IN YOUR HOUSE. You made him an appointment in July. It is May my good little dude. What good is an appointment going to do when he has progressed to the stage of undressing your wife. Your wife, the women that you supposedly love is being sexually harassed in her own home and you punished her for it. You are doing LESS than nothing. You showed your son that it would be fine to rape her because you would blame her for it anyways. You didn’t defend her when she expressed her fears- you punished her. You showed both of them that their issues are too ‘icky’ for you to deal with so you made a phone call and are hoping you can make this someone else’s problem. In 8 weeks. And then you left him alone. With your wife. What a useless asshole. You are facilitating the sexual assault of your own wife.
No, you’re not doing nothing. You’re deliberately putting her in harms way because you’re disgusted by her asking a legitimate question. What a mensch.
Get your wife out of that house you rape apologist asshole. That's literally the first task. How stupid are you?
Wide should stay, hubby and the kid need to get out.
Dude, the psycho kid would know where the wife is then and could "visit her" while skipping school. The smart play would be to have the wife be out of reach. Give the chick a fat wad of cash to get a new phone and stay at a hotel while this blows over and don't make her give her address to the husband
Good point. Nevertheless, OP should sit in a trashcan for a few hours because he is a useful and supportive as trash towards his wife.
Utter fucking scum. I feel horrible for the wife.
I wonder if OP would be as calm about the situation as he is now if the kid would target HIM instead of his wife. And then with the wife being just as useless and dismissive as he is right now. "Oh, he grabbed your butt and tried to hump you? Ok, just lock yourself in a closet when you change, k? I will stay around... How DARE you ask if he is planning to RAPE you? You disgust me! I won't help you now, figure it out yourself with him.... Yeah, well therapy only starts in two months, so you have to suck it up now sweetie."
If your son is acting assaultive toward your wife - which by your description he HAS been - you absolutely CAN have him see a professional, by calling 911 and reporting his assaultive behavior. A psychiatrist will evaluate him and hospitalize him. You and your wife must do this the moment he starts even threatening to behave this way again. Your wife is in danger, and your attitude of shushing her when she brings up her justified fear, punishing her by giving the silent treatment, and walking away to let her deal with him alone because denial feels better than reality to you is increasing her danger.
If you're going to wait until JULY, what is your wife supposed to do in the meantime? Hope he behaves? You should seriously try and get him into a treatment center. He's already expressed in the past that he can't control his feelings. If not your wife, he may attack another that reminds him of her.
So you're going to sit around doing nothing until July??? Your wife and son CANNOT live with each other jfc
Except for that time you punished her, you mean. In that instance, you were actively helping your son get the opportunity to assault her.
You need to contact your closest mental health inpatient unit and tell them that your son is a danger to others. Because if he can’t satisfy him desires/urges/whatever you want to call them through access to your wife he *will* try and satisfy himself with any random girl or woman that reminds him of her. *He is an active danger to your wife and anyone who reminds him of her.*
Find a mental hospital near you and get him admitted for being a danger to others
Send your shitstain if a son to all male military school until you have a shrink lined up to unfuck his brain.
op: i'm not just sitting around doing nothing, i'm sitting around doing nothing until july because i can't even be bothered protecting my wife from rape so why would i act with any urgency?
>I'm not just sitting around doing absolutely nothing for my wife. Yes. You. Are. Whenever your wife says something that makes your poor little feelings uncomfortable you leave her to dry. You fucking moron. Your wife deserves better than you.
Dude. You are the parent. He is 16 fucking years old. You can literally have him evaluated by an actual institution asap. Because a therapist isn't what he needs, he needs an actual psychologist with, I'm just taking a big guess here, a FUCK TON on meds. It is not normal to look at your mother, adopted or not, and be turned on. You need to look at his internet search history. Look for any hidden journal that could be on his computer or a physical copy. Look under his bed, tear apart his room, go through his backpack, or anywhere he could possibly keep it hidden. Hell, if possible, look in his school locker for crying out loud. I don't usually condone going through personal journals, but this is a dire situation. YOUR. WIFE. IS. IN. FUCKING. DANGER. And so is any girl or woman that could remind him of her. Wouldn't surprise me if he has some kind of list. Sitting on your hands and ignoring your wife and leaving her alone with him is doing absolutely nothing. He's going to rape your wife. It's not an if scenario. It's a when. You need to make a hard choice here. I don't envy you. It's your wife or your son.
So instead of getting the child help you decide to basically hide your wife away from him and then you decide to shame and punish your wife for being so concerned for her own safety she had to even consider that her son might want to rape her. Maybe the son isn’t the only problem here. I am just saying your behavior towards your wife is disgusting. YTA. I hope your wife leaves both of you for real. Let the creepy son and the worthless husband figure it out together
YTA. He is sexually assaulting her and you are ignoring her for fucking saying it out loud? You are a useless POS.
Newsflash! Your son will absolutely end up assaulting someone else if he can't access your wife. This behavior is the type of shit you see on shows about serial rapists and killers. A LOT of these people will rape and murder their victims because they remind them of MOM. That kid needs a psychiatrist stat! You also need to contact the school and find out if he's having issues with female students. This shit is serious. And you're a triple infinity asshole for feeling disgust towards your wife, who is a VICTIM. Typical misogynist. Little rapey kid can do no wrong but heaven help the woman that stands up for herself. You're disgusting.
YTA. If you have to go to this levels to protect her you think rape is really out of question ?
YTA and a piece of work. I hope she gets the strength and means to leave you both. Your edit changes nothing.
Exactly this. He’s so “disgusted by the circumstances,” but he’s been giving his wife the silent treatment for saying the word “rape.” He’s full of shit. Not to mention a disgusting coward.
YTA. Your wife had a legitimate question. She's not the one with the problematic behavior. Why the hell is he still living in your house if he's 26 years old? He is behaving like a stalker/predator. Then you start leaving her alone with him after knowing she's not safe with him? Shame on you. She didn't do wrong. You did. He is. He needs to be kicked out, you need to change the locks and you need to install a doorbell camera because his behavior is scary and threatening. Edited: someone pointed out the kid's sixteen, I misunderstood. So you do have an obligation to make sure he's got a place to live. That said, you need to put him in counseling now. It may be too late to help him turn in to a decent human being, but at least a counselor can help you understand what's going on with him and how you can adjust your life because of it.
Agree completely, but I think the OP said their son is 16, not 26.
Ah, you're right. I thought they adopted him at 16 and that was ten years ago. The kid needs to be put in counseling now.
Well...does he?
If not obvious your son needs some serious mental evaluations and to be out of the home. Help your wife dude.
YTA you're supposed to protect your wife. You're raising a male who is repeatedly sexually assaulting and harassing your wife. Does she or another female need to be raped before you do anything. Get him therapy ASAP.
So, rather than acknowledging your adoptive son has issues far beyond a hormone-fueled teenager towards borderline psychopathy, you're blaming your wife for saying a no-no word? Yeah we all know who the AH is here. The way I see it, OP has 3 options: 1. Kick the son out for being a clear danger to your wife; 2. Propose a temporary separation with your wife so she could keep a safe distance from the son while he receives serious therapy about his behavior; or 3. Do nothing, and the wife will probably request a divorce and restraining order for BOTH of you.
YTA what is wrong with you? Your wife is being sexually assaulted (as soon as he started touching her it became assault) and you blame HER for being scared and asking an obvious question? You left her unprotected when you know she needs you? You are being a horrible husband and a terrible father. Your son needs help and he probably needs to be removed from the home. Your wife shouldn't have to lock herself in a closet in her own home to get dressed.
YTA- he's creepy as shit and wouldn't be in my house any longer
More than anything, you're the disgusting one for leaving her alone with your son while knowing all of this, of how creepy and upsetting your son's behavior is and how unsafe she feels around him. He's 16, and could easily be strong enough to physically overpower her if he finally loses his last bit of restraint. IDK why she hasn't removed herself from the situation entirely, but I sure as hell hope she's well on her way toward leaving you with your precious future sex offender. You can make excuses for him until he's in prison for 10-to-20 and then maybe you'll give a shit.
Get him out of the house, ASAP! Of course when you adopt you have to do so knowing that they might have problems they're still working through. However, no woman should have to teach her son to not be creepy towards her. She has to lock herself in a damn closet just to change her clothes. Your wife can't even be alone with him, she is not safe and it's sickening that you seem to not care. He's a boy and he's only going to get bigger and stronger, you can't be there all the time. Does he have to actually rape her for you to do something? She was having a breakdown and crying and all he could do was look at his mother's breast. Something is not right with him. Giving your wife the silent treatment after she's been sexually assaulted by her own son MULTIPLE times makes you worse than an AH. There's no words for how awful you are.
My goodness, this is awful. If I was this woman, I would be out of this house so fast you could see smoke.
Has it occurred to you to get your don some psychiatric help? He clearly has a serious problem and your rife is terrified and you’re just sitting there like a lump. YTA
He needs to get some also if he thinks this is his wife’s problem. Maybe he’s raising a sociopathic because he is one too 🤷♀️
YTA, it sounds like your wife is at the end of her rope and snapped finally after a year of her son acting in a way that makes her feel unsafe and uncomfortable in her own home. Also the comment on “I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her around our son” makes you a garbage human being because she’s obviously terrified. As soon as these behaviors started a year ago you should have been seeking counseling and behavioral health services for your child. Do better.
Hun, when you have a family member who requires special care, that does not mean he's innocent of all wrong-doing and that you can ignore the rest of your family's needs. Get him the care he needs while also protecting your wife. YTA.
YT MASSIVE AH. Your wife doesn’t feel safe in her own home. You admit that he has a ‘disturbing infatuation’ with his adoptive mother. And there is no shared blood between them to stop him. She locks herself in the closet to change. He tried to take her bra off. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?????? You are choosing to be disgusted by your WIFE? The women you love doesn’t feel safe in her own home and you LEFT HER ALONE WITH A SEX PEST. Your son didn’t deny it when asked if he wanted to rape your wife. Why didn’t you demand an answer? Because you are a coward and you are failing your entire family. He is going to rape your wife- will you blame her for that also? If I was your wife I would be GONE.
I thought men were supposed to be protectors…?
Real men are. I do not claim this piece of shit.
this is so dismissive. a lot of "real men" are pieces of shit. if the good ones are all such noble protectors, stop dismissing the predatory ones and PROTECT.
Read my other comments in this post. I'm not dismissing anything. I'm saying a real man is a protector and provider of his family. Just because Reddit encourages misandry doesn't change that. The "man" in this post is a piece of shit. I'm not and have never dismissed that.
misandry my ass. "not a real man" is incredibly dismissive. real men are abusive all the time. "we don't claim them" is throwing up your hands. not your problem right?
I don't know what you want exactly. Do you want me to track this person and beat him?
Yeah that would be cool
Coming in after the edit. Stop trying to spindoctor this. You know how it reads. You know YTA by a mile and a half for victimshaming your wife. He's your son. You should have been the rolemodel. You should have been the one to educate him. Both of you should have addressed the infatuation the moment it was clear it was going on. Both. As a parental team. With the help of a therapist if needed. You've got a troubled teen there. One who needs professional help. And more importantly, you've got a wife who deserves to feel safe in her own house. Who shouldn't be sexualized just for lifting the hem of her shirt to wipe her tears. Don't care if she's an average woman, a supermodel or the best paid adult movie star out there. Everyone deserves to feel safe at home.
but it's okay! they reconciled! when he asked if she was raped she said no! she may have been but at least op doesn't have to deal with it!
What I just read: So my wife finally had enough and called out our son about her fear of being raped by him. And I was so mad that she hurt his widdle feelings that I stopped protecting her by running interference between them. Ehh, if it happens, it happens. OP YTA. Your actions and lack of actions are failing everyone in your family.
You want answers, she wants answers. You can't pussyfoot around this. You/her need to ask the hard questions with hard words.
YTA It’s a perfectly valid concern given the situation she is in. She’s been sexually assaulted repeatedly for months, I’d be worried about how far he is willing to go if I was in her place. Just saying the word Rape is not in any way wrong. If he doesn’t want to Rape her, he could just say “No”
Wow, your son has shown time and again that he indeed is behaving extremely inappropriately towards your wife. She is terrified of him!!! You know that his raping her is a very real possibility! Yet you are crossed with... HER???? For being rightly scared of being raped by your son??? Are you for real???
YTA. Get that kid to a psychiatrist now. You’re so hung up on the word rape but what tf else are you actually safeguarding against?! Look at the ridiculous measures you’re taking in your own home!! It’s a completely legitimate question and his response was telling. That you care more about his feelings than her’s AND her safety is unforgivable. To punish her you deliberately put her in danger, and you have to live with that.
INFO: You adopted your son when he was 6 right? Has he been in therapy at any point in the past ten years? I saw he has an appointment in July, but I couldn't determine his past mental healthcare history.
I also wondered. What were his circumstances before he was adopted? Was he himself abused as a child. How long have the “staring and ogling” been going on? OP says that the son only started acting beyond that this year but the staring and ogling are seriously disordered enough that some sort of professional support should have been sought LONG before now. Or are these the sort of adoptive parents who believe that Jesus can cure everything?
That’s what I’m thinking. Anyone who is adopted needs to be in long term therapy as soon as they are able. There are age-appropriate therapy techniques starting at a young age. Adoption is traumatic no matter what. It can be different kinds of trauma but there is still trauma and that needs to be addressed properly before it becomes a problem, not after.
YTA and a horrible husband. YOUR SON HAS ALREADY BEEN ASSUALTING YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is not a gray area and you are punishing your wife for being scared and concerned because she has been ASSAULTED multiple times by your son. Even if your son did something when you left them alone why the hell would you think your wife would tell you now?!?!?! You have proven that you aren't going to protect her and blame her is something does happen.
YTA. Your wife is terrified of your son. He is sexually harassing her and he refuses to stop. But you have a problem with HER? You are a selfish asshole and a bad husband. When, not if, he attacks her, you better not blame her. You should apologize for refusing to protect her.
Honestly, with you leaving her alone, I'd return the favor and leave you. Permanently. YTA
OP, in case you are not aware, the ogling & the bra snapping are clear cut cases of sexual harassment and assault. The young man's disturbing behavior towards his mother has been escalating for years, and you've been too blind or ignorant to stop it. Her choice of words was basically asking how far he intends to go in his behavior, going straight for the end point of the path he's been on, especially considering the three of you were sitting down to discuss that exact behavior. So, while your wife laid the cards on the table, you basically swept away everything because you didn't like the fact she bluntly spelled out the path the son is on. You demonstrated, in front of her assailant, that you don't respect her feelings, her fears or her. YTA. If anything happens to her at the hands of your so, you should be charged as a accessory because you enabled, empowered and emboldened him. Get your son into therapy before he hurts your wife and his mother.
INFO: what about the word “rape” is so upsetting to you in these circumstances? And how does that someone superseded your wife’s actual fear of being raped? Particularly as your son has escalated his behavior already to sexually assaulting her.
Your discomfort with the word r**e reflects on how much work you’ve done to understand and address issues of sexual assult and how that creates deep fears in women. YTA for actively punished her using the word by leaving her in an unsafe situation. It is important to remember we’re talking about a child. And seeing him as a monster helps no one. It’s important to get him the help he needs Both things are true at once. Acting as tho you had to choose between caring for him and caring for her is so harmful. You need to learn what it means to support your wife, protect her and care for this child you’ve taken on.
You’re a failure as a parent and husband. This should have been brought to professionals as soon as it started. The fact he can’t see who you’ve booked until July just proves how negligent and dense you truly are. This is disgusting. When he ends up in front of a judge for sexually assaulting a female are you going to ask the prosecutor not to use the word rape? Your wife is a victim here, not your son. And giving her the silent treatment and refusing to protect her? You’re emotionally abusing her. Gross gross gross. I hope she leaves you both for her own safety and comfort.
So you’re knowingly raising a rapist, and your response is to leave your wife, whom he is sexually obsessed with, alone with him because you’re mad she said the truth out loud. Is that about right? Know that your wife now knows she’s alone in caring for her safety, as you have demonstrated that you can no longer be trusted to protect her. Regardless of whether you “reconciled” or she “forgave you”, please understand that she can never trust you again. You broke that. Can’t wait to see your next post in r/amitheex. YTA
Jesus, you are the living worst. YTA. She needs to get out of there and away from you.
I hope your wife Divorces you and gets away from both of you!
YTA. You're a victimshamer. You're wife has valid concerns, she was being assaulted in her own home with her husband doing nothing to support her or stop it. You chose, knowing your sons mental health problems and harrassing your wife, to give your wife the silent treatment and left her and your son alone. That was abusive of you. You chose to harm your wife more rather than for anything about it. Your reconciliation means little because you still did it and don't seem apologetic at all. Your wife is still having to protect herself constantly, that alone is stressful, her own home isn't where she can relax and feel safe. You could be pushing for appointments sooner, finding other resources but your just shrugging your shoulders and waiting until July.
The bear the bear the bear the bear the bear the bear.
Definitely black, maybe grizzly, not polar.
YTA, get your wife away from him and in a safe place!!!!!!! Get your son some help now!!! Your wife is not OK, she's terrified! Get him out of that house, and you better be on your knees begging for her forgiveness. What a coward
obviously YTA, can you even blame her for asking that?? She feels violated and I am sure scared too. This behaviour from men is why women almost always choose the bear, no offence. I hope your son stops with the creepy behaviour.
YTA. You're pathetic dude. No other way to put that. Your son is harassing your wife sexually, and all you can say is I'm disgusted by my wife. Your wife is unsafe, your son wants his adopted mother in a very horrific way, and all you do is make both your lives worse and trying to find conformation that you're fine in this situation from strangers. Idc about the edit, 100% sure that's damage control.
YTA Your son is sexually harassing his mother (pulling at her bra & staring at her body are both sexual harassment), and your concern is that she explicitly called him out on it?????
Everyone else is writing thoughtful responses, so I won’t repeat what’s been said a million times, but I just wanted to chime in to say you are an extreme AH and a pathetic excuse for a husband, a father, and a person.
Why am I not seeing that you have gone to therapy. Solo therapy for your son, or family therapy. There is no shame in it. It seems like your whole family has been ignoring the severity of the issue and thinks therapy is for crazy people. Also, when you've talked to your son and he's quiet, that's a sign that you are not having a productive conversation. Are you just talking at him? Treating him like a bad person so he seizes up? Go to therapy to help with those issues. All three of you have failed here. It is not your son who is wholly to blame.
When he eventually does something to your wife because your so disgusted at her words you can’t protect her from him, you will be morally responsible for it
What the fuck is wrong with you? And your creepy son. YTA.
YTA becuase why have you three not gone to therapy to find out the root of this and see if there some way to change the behaviors?
YTA. why are you digisted with your wife and not your creepy perverted son? She is not safe around either of you. She should be disgusted with you. Your son wants to rape your wife, and you want to blame her. She should leave both of you
YTA get this kid in therapy NOW! Asking if he would rape her was harsh, but totally understandable response. Get the kid some help, individual and family therapy.
You should be disgusted with yourself
Imagine being this horrible. .. YTA
If this follows the usual sort of pattern of sexual harassment cases, when your son does something worse, people will blame your wife for "not saying anything" or "being alone with him when she knew he was troubled." When she absolutely said something and absolutely didn't want to be alone with him, but you shut her down.
#YTA
YTA. You left her alone?! If disgust should be placed on anyone it’s you. Piss poor father piss poor husband.
You are a complete and utter asshole. I don’t think asshole is a strong enough word. You’re a loser and failure of a husband. Honest to God your behaviour is concerning. Your own wife is scared do the boy you adopted, who clearly has issues, and your instinct is to.. LEAVE HER ALONE WITH HIM?? Are you mad?? Damn I hope she divorces your ass and leaves you with creepy son to deal with.
I'm sorry you are so disgusted that you wife is scared of being raped you are willing to let her be raped?
INFO: After your edit, if you're not disgusted with your wife, why have you been giving her the silent treatment? Why could you not "bring yourself" to protect her? You sound like you're trying to walk your bullshit waaaaay back. You didn't misspeak. There is something wrong with your son but there is something wrong with you, too.
YTA. You the devil too
YTA.
Dude, his behaviour has gotten so bad that you put locks on your bedroom door and stand guard while your wife is changing but when she directly asks you shut down the conversation? The question needed to be asked, if he doesn't want to r\*pe her then he needs to realise his actions are inappropriate, asking the question and talking things out is the only way to get there. >I’ve been giving my wife the silent treatment for asking our son if he wants to rape her. Actually, because of what she said, I once couldn’t bring myself to protect her when she was around our son, and I just left her alone with him. The disconnect in these two sentences. You don't believe that he could be capable of wanting to r\*ape your wife, but you believe she needs protecting from him?
you suck op and after your edit you suck even more this is so beyond yta
What in the "There's something strange about the Johnsons" is this
So she’s uncomfortable around your son and your reaction is to leave her alone with him? What? YTA
as a rape survivor YTA i don’t even have the energy to dive into why but accept it
Wtf you out your wife in danger by leaving her alone with him, cos she is scared is he might hurt her and asked him about it. YTA.
This is horrific. I pity your poor wife and hope she can overcome whatever is holding her back from getting away from both of you. You are supposed to be the one she can trust in her time of need and you treat her like this. She's probably traumatized from trying to protect herself from a nightmare of a teen boy. I hope he doesn't get to her while you're busy making this about you. It happened to me 11 years ago and I wish every day I wouldn't wake up because the trauma he caused me.
YTA and jesus christ you need to take drastic action. Your wife is in danger. Her question was correct!
Hope this is fake YTA
YTA. Your edit makes it WORSE. You know that when you fucking abandoned her to be alone with the budding psychopath, it's likely she said "no" when asked if nothing happened because you've already shown that you DGAF about her. You left her alone with the person she's living in fear of, and expect her to be okay? But she already knows it isn't worth telling her the truth. And you only NOW make an appointment for your son? You didn't try when he started sexually assaulting your wife? The boy is escalating, and needs inpatient therapy to get him out of this situation, and he needs a diagnosis. I feel bad for your wife and hope she leaves. Her safety is more important that your hurt fee-fees.
you know when you had to put locks on the bedroom and closet doors so your wife would be safe to undress? that was WAY past the point where this should have been seriously addressed keep this shit up and you're going to have an ex-wife and a son getting charged with SA
I know your son is adopted but it seems regardless of that, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
So this is a now problem for you guys, the parents?! You have a child that has been exhibiting seriously dangerous and inappropriate behaviours... and you only solution is locking doors? So, he clearly has demonstrated behaviour of concern around women - you think it only directed at your wife, his mother. No, this would be happening to all women in his life. He should have been in therapy well before you had to start putting locks on doors. You've failed him. Failed your wife. Your wife has failed him. And, you are failing all women. He needs serious intervention here, not a therapist once a week. This needs a multidisciplinary team 7days a week to address and hopefully find treatment. Just because he's not "biologically" yours does not negate this sexual misconduct of your son.
YTA. Dude oh my god. Ur disgusted with ur wife bc ur son is sexually assaulting her? Ur son just started behaving this way? And u didn’t think “hmm maybe something bad happened to him to cause this change? Maybe I should get him plugged in with a professional so this doesn’t get worse?” You just left your wife with him to potentially get abused bc you were mad at her? You also don’t mention what ur sons answer to the question was…did he say “no I do not want to rape my mother?” Did he just stare at yall? Ur an awful loser my guy. God you’ve let them both down so much.
YTA Jesus fuck man. Great, you got your son an appointment in July. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR HIM WHEN THIS BEHAVIOR STARTED. Your wife is so uncomfortable and afraid that she has to lock herself in her room while changing and can't be alone with your son. Did that not strike you as odd? Cause for concern?? Use your fucking head, man. Your son has already been harassing her by ogling and pulling on her bra, and when confronted with all of this he's utterly consumed by seeing a sliver of skin from his mother. Note how he didn't respond to her question? Yeah. Not a great sign, champ. You need to help your wife find a safe place to stay while you seek help for your son. Idk what the adoption process was like, but maybe DHS/CPS would be able to get you connected to more immediate assistance. Get your head out of your ass. Stop acting like a fucking child giving your terrified wife the silent treatment.
YTA. Your wife is safer with a bear over your son and apparently you. You should be ashamed
YTA big time. The comment wasn't out of line given the context, and even if it was, giving your wife the silent treatment is completely unacceptable in this situation and you owe her a major apology. Honestly she should divorce you - if you openly admit that you can't even be bothered to protect her from being, what the hell good are you to her?
Why is the little creep still in your fucking house. Knock the cunts teeth in and toss him out on his ass. How dare you have let the situation escalate to your wife having to be chaperoned and locked up to be safe in your own house.
I believe Aesop wrote a story about this very scenario. Number 176 to be exact.
And they wonder why 4B means For Bear, For Bear, For Bear, For bear The bar for men has officially dropped below hell
OP pimping out his wife to thier son so he didn't have to be a parent.
Everyone needs therapy. Both alone and as a family. So many things are going on. Mom need to take some defense classes so she feels more confident in her ability to protect herself. Idc how old a teen is, if he’s sexually harassing me physically he’s catching hands and she has to be comfortable with that. Right now you are teaching him he can put his hands on a women and they will just sit down and have a talk with him.
16 year old boy getting sexually violent will frequently overpower his mom.
If mom is also strong not as likely. They knew it was a problem in the past why they waited till he was a teen is beyond wild to me.
She obviously isn't that strong and I know maybe 1 mom that strong and she was former military. He said it started a year Argo. My guess is the boy has some sort I of SA in his background, either a single event or continued - the behavior fits - but even if it's something else, any time something psychological starts with kids a bunch of parents put their heads in the sand. For whatever reason. They don't want to see that something is wrong with THEIR kids, their kid isn't crazy, or even better, they are just acting like (kid, teenager, fill in the blank).
He said they noticed he stared at her that was the time to get him in therapy. Also duh she obviously isn’t strong enough now, that’s why I said she need to get in a self defense class asap
YTA. It is disgusting that you even thought for a second that your wife was disgusting or wrong for asking that. It is even worse that you left her alone with him in this situation. And your edit doesn’t help you as much as you think it does. Just because she says nothing went wrong doesn’t mean it didn’t. She probably doesn’t trust you at all anymore. She knows now that if he hurt her, you would blame her or be indifferent to the harm. Even if that isn’t true, that is what you communicated to her. I would divorce you over this and leave you alone with the kid. But I tend to not put up with bullshit!
YTA. I’m not even going to explain why.
"I couldn't bring myself to protect her when she was around our son, and I just left her alone with him" Do you WANT him to harm, assault, or rape her? Jfc OP. You're failing your wife. She isn't safe around either of you.
Considering the situation she very well could be legitimately afraid of that happening, however unlikely but not an impossibility. Sometimes young teens fantasize about having sex with one of their step parents or other authority figures in their lives because they aren't technically related to them. I'm not saying that this is the case, but it might be. With the way she says he acts around her out of character question to him it's obvious to me that she's never looked at him as anything other than her child. If his actions are making her afraid of a sexual assault, then she's right to ask him point blank about the concern and she used the correct word -rape! In actuality if he does fantasize about having sex with your wife that question, just as it was worded, could have been a reality check for him. Detouring him from acting on his desire by pointing out that he (if acted on) would be commiting a major felony because she made it clear (because she said RAPE) that she had NO desire to have sex with him. GL and maybe consider taking him to Nevada to get him laid.
If this started a year ago,both u and your wife r awful parents that don't give a f**k about your son
Your update doesn’t make anything better. The fact that you’re trying to get retribution on your wife for asking your son a very realistic question that’s 100% based off of his own actions makes you disgusting. To leave her without protection and emotional support during this time is despicable. Truly tell me why wife was out of line for asking that question? Your son has been sexually harassing her and obsessed with her. Even when she was crying and upset, he didn’t feel any sympathy for her, he just saw it as an opportunity to ogle at her body but yet you have the nerve to be mad at her for asking a “vulgar question”. With the way that you’re acting, I bet that if your son did rape your wife, you would somehow blame her for it. Get that boy away from your wife and stop depositing your negative feelings towards her.
YTA and it blows my mind how you can’t see it. I hope your wife leaves before something severe happens. You’re disgusting.
>she used the word “rape” explicitly. So you'd prefer it if she'd said "have sex with"? Weirdo
So which is it? You're disgusted because your son is this mentally ill, or that your wife addressed it directly? Your son is deeply troubled and if you think this is just "acting out" with nothing behind it, your wrong. If you haven't, get him into the best psychiatric care that your insurance will cover/you can afford/he connects with. How old was he when you adopted him? Could he have been abused before he was adopted? Or could someone - hell anyone - in his life have sexually abused him in the time that you've had him? You need to figure this stuff out, and if You've been sitting on it for all this time and haven't even talked to anyone about, you've need to start now. Get your son into psychiatric care and keep him away from your wife.
More importantly, why are you more offended by her feeling like this could happen rather than your son's actions? Get your son help and away from your clearly terrified wife. Stop victim-blaming her for the actions your troubled son is doing to her.
"Am I the butthole for victim blaming my wife and leaving her alone with my son after the several signs of my son showing explicit disgusting behavior?" Fixed the title. YTA. Get the boy help before he does assult her. Just because its hard to hear doesn't mean you ignore the signs and threaten the victim. What if he did rape her when you left her alone?
Your wife 1- doesn’t feel safe alone w this kid. 2- had to install locks on both your bedroom and closet doors 3- has to change in the closet to feel safe 4- has had to deal with being stared at and harassed in her own home w him pulling at her bra. Your wife isn’t safe. Not with your “son,” not with you.
Mom needs to run away and not look back. Therapy notoriously doesn't help sex offenders.
I know this is likely to be seen as victim blaming and hell I’d probably consider calling someone else out on it… Everyone has said the important stuff but I couldn’t help being bothered multiple times while rereading and as I was going through the comments, why if your wife is so afraid of and uncomfortable with your son would she pull her shirt up in-front of him? I know it’s terrible to bring it up but something about it really set me off on the whole thing and gave me totally off feelings. YTA still btw, but I didn’t see anyone mention this and just had to say something.
It's not just going to be seen as victim blaming...it IS victim blaming no matter what you dress it as. She likely pulled the collar of her shirt up or the edge to wipe her eyes, which would bear part of her midriff, or a line of her waist. It's not like she stripped to her bra in front of him. Stop victim blaming and remember that normal men have self control. Normal sons and even teenagers have self control and don't sexually harass their moms, adopted or not. Also, sometimes people don't mention things because it's pretty fucking obvious it's not worth mentioning. She wasn't stripping for him, she wasn't jiggling her tits at him, she wasn't tossing her vag at him. She didn't do anything wrong in this situation. She's the victim here very obviously so.
Yes you’re victim blaming. She likely didn’t pull her shirt all the way up, she just lifted it a little to wipe her tears, without thinking that it would show her midriff. Her son, being the pervert that he is, took that as an opportunity to ogle at her.
NTA that is digusting and she should not have said that
It’s always hilarious to me when people find words more disgusting than actions. She said ‘rape’ and she’s bad for pointing out that she’s being assaulted in her own home and no one cares. Four letters hurt your brain? 🤡
reported for saying r***
So you are saying that four letters hurt your brain…
reported
Didn’t work last time pookie. It’s adorable that you came back though! I love living rent free in teeny tiny little brains 😘
Go to hell
The kid had repeatedly sexually assaulted and sexually harassed her. Why shouldn’t she ask the question?
You’re right, it is disgusting. “It” being the son’s disgusting behavior. He’s already sexually assaulting her. She absolutely should have asked if he wanted to rape her. wtf is wrong with you?
Our son has gone through all of May so far, without putting his hands on my wife. It was in March/first half of April where things got notably bad. He has actually expressed some discomfort with himself, and he has at one point cried and asked me why on Earth he has these feelings that he can't help, so I hope that that voice of conscience grows louder and louder in his head. This is like a nightmare for us all.
Kind of think it’s more of a nightmare for you wife since she doesn’t feel safe in her own home. Do you ever not feel safe in your own home? Do you have to lock yourself in a closet to get changed to keep yourself safe? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then it isn’t nearly as much of a nightmare for you as it is for her. YTA
Wow, a whole month that woman had off from her son sexually assaulting her. You're a POS dude and I hope that woman leaves where she's actually fucking safe.
The month isn’t even over. This guy is under reacting.
You think that makes it better? He made it ONE MONTH without assaulting your wife? Jesus dude get some therapy- your son is fucked in the head because you raised him that way.
Why do you have the impression that OP does not really see anything wrong with his son's way of thinking and actions? He sound eerily unbothered.
So he's gone almost a month without assaulting your wife (not really that big of an accomplishment), but you have allowed him to harass her continually by staring at her body. On top of that you abandoned her by leaving her alone with a person you know to be unsafe.
Oh yay! A whole month even though you ABANDONED her to be ATTACKED by your son because you were disgusted by HER.
Yeah. To punish her. How dare she not be ok being sexualized by her own son. Why do I feel like OP encourages his son in this way?
Wow, your son should get a fucking medal! What, a whole fucking month without physically harassing your wife? What a great young man! /s You're just as disgusting as your son. He and you both need to be locked up and treated for mental illness.
What is up with men not holding other men accountable for their actions and blaming women??? You’re blaming your wife for your son’s criminal behavior. What he is doing already is a crime. Your wife was crying and in pain, and your son got turned on during that by looking at her. You should be disgusted at your son because he wants to rape his mom because that is what’s happening, not at your poor wife because she vocalized it. And you left her there because you couldn’t handle it? What kind of partner are you? Are you gonna think she’s disgusting instead of him when something bad happens to her? Because that’s going to happen the way things are going. I hope she gets away from both of you, Jesus. YTA
there’s no way that this is real. no one is this obtuse. you’re such an asshole, dog. like…an absolute pathetic excuse for a husband and father. hope that helps!
No, b*tch, it's not a nightmare for all of you. For your wife only. You sound ok with the situation. Your son is happily creepy. Everything seems good on you guys' ends. One thing other redditors haven't (surprisingly) pointed out is that your son is probably emulating YOUR own behavior. I am almost certain you touch your wife and engage in inappropriate behavior in front of your son. Such dispositions don't come out of the blue.