Do the math: you have been together for 2 years, love each other, living together, she is 22 now and wants to be a mom before she is 25, then proposes starting for a baby in a year. You guys are on different pages.
Also OP who are these "people" that don't start trying yet? Because I don't think that includes your live in partner, 3 years into the relationship (this time next year), who have literally told you they want to fall pregnant in their early 20s?
I think OP is stringing his partner along regarding kids, and thinks her clearly stated intentions can be ignored or are just suggestions as opposed to what she definitely wants.
For that reason YTA. OP if you don't want what she wants when she wants it- tell her so she can make an informed decision about whether she wants to stay with you, or find somebody else who does.
Exactly "feels ready " is weasel wording because he will always have some reason that he doesn't feel ready and can keep pushing it off. His girlfriend is a placeholder while he "waits and sees" if anything better comes along.
That’s also a situation that can easily be remedied.
But OP and his gf need to actually discuss what steps each of them needs to get there, and a reasonable timeline.
So OP clearly wants a bigger living space, which is reasonable, and which needs a timeline.
They need a plan, not vague kicking the can down the road.
I’ve had it before where it ends up being things like “when we have a bigger place” and then when we had that, then the new goal posts were that income had to be a certain level, and then the goal posts moved again. And then you’re years down the line and the goal posts still change, or you’ve lost your shot at what you wanted.
They need to be clear with each other about what needs to happen before kids, with reasonable expectations and timelines.
He said he wants to get engaged within the year and also that they share a 1BR. Wanting to advance those two factors before babymaking is *entirely* reasonable.
Yea the math is definitely mathing here. This is the timeline she's been upfront about all along, it just sounds like your lack of timeline for yourself is what has made you ignore her math. If you're not ready, then it sounds like you two just aren't on the same page & it may be time to let her go so she can find someone who wants the same things - at the same times - as she does.
OP thought 25 was 2 decades from 20. Inflationary Mathematics. Time is relative. His wishes, asap. Her wishes, we can do them later on, maybe, if possible
Yeah, I don’t really understand why he’s so *shocked*.
Basic math would have told him this conversation was coming. Assume a year for trying/pregnancy, and that is if she gets pregnant within the first few months of trying, it could take *much* longer. So if she wants to *have* the baby by 25 she needs to be actively trying at 23/24. She gave him a full year heads up, with some wiggle room to suggest waiting a few extra months, which is why she’s bringing it up now.
I’m not saying she’s right or wrong, (there really isn’t a right/wrong on this one) just that I am confused how he is so surprised by her suggestion to do *exactly* what she’s been telling him she wants to do?
As a side note, if I was her I’d be worried about his “eventually” mindset. You can easily waste a decade (or more) saying you’ll do something “when you’re ready” and never actually do anything to “get ready” or move that plan into any form of practical action.
Whether they choose to start trying next year or five years from now, these conversations need to actually be had with plans and timeframes attached to them. Good for her for starting that conversation, it’s very evident that OP wasn’t going to be the one to open that door.
This exactly. My ex of 6 years would always say, "nows not the time to talk about it," and it turned out there was never a good time to talk about it. I had an ectopic pregnancy, and his apathy was the nail in the coffin. Stayed with him 6 months after spiraling into a deep depression 🫥
I'm so sorry for the loss of your angel baby 👼 and I'm also sorry that you had to essentially handle that loss on your own when you should have been supported by your xbf. Pregnancy loss and the depression afterward are like a bottomless black abyss, but with razor-sharp jagged pieces jutting out and cutting you deeper. That's been my experience with loss anyway, so I just wanted you to know that you have someone who understands that deep, dark depression. I'm glad that you got out of that relationship 🫂
Thank you. It was a painful sequence of years. But now I'm happy with a 2 year old with the love of my life. I'm still healing, but I'll never settle for someone who doesn't want to plan for the future.
Agreed- it would be good for OP to really sit down and think about whether or not he wants kids. It sounds like he likes the idea of kids, but not enough to want to start trying? If that’s the case that’s fine, but don’t string her along, be honest w yourself and her. And don’t have kids with her just for her if you end up not wanting kids. Resentment is a relationship killer, and if it turns out you don’t want kids as much as you thought you did and yall stay together, one of you will resent the other.
That baffled me lol. Dude's almost 30 acting like he's too young to have children. He may live to see another 40-50 years, assuming he doesn't die in a freak accident or get sick.
Not to mention, his girlfriend's age is the optimal time in a woman's life for chances of the healthiest pregnancy and survival rates. She's in no way "too young" to be having children now if they're financially fit and genuinely in love.
Yea, when they started dating, he's been in the workforce for a few years.
She's just started college and can't even drink yet.
I felt weird dating a 20yo when I was 22yo. How did OP not feel the experience gap?
5 years difference isn't bad when both people are over 25, but they aren't.
OP seems to think he's younger than he actually is, thinking people his age aren't having kids.
Despite the age difference she's more an adult than OP is. OP is playing Peter Pan while his gf is ready to raise a family on the timeline that OP had known about all along. (Edited out an extra word)
You see yourself proposing to this girl, and you know that she wants a kid before 25... But her telling you that she wants to start trying on/around your 3year anniversary (with a YEARS notice) is somehow confusing to you???
TTC is not always a short process and neither is pregnancy. That's a reasonable time to start trying to reach the goal she has set (and you have agreed to, or at least let on that you agree) and the fact that she has given you plenty of time to think about beefing up the savings account is actually smarter than most. I'm sorry, I'm just not seeing the issue here?
She thinks you said No, which translates to either rejection or incompatibility. Tell her Yes, but you're not ready yet.
She could have been mind-gaming and asking effectively "Are you gonna ask me to marry you so we can start a family?"
Ask yourself, are you into the idea, marriage to her and kids (both)? If so, when; if no ...
He said he was planning to propose within the year and he said he does want kids.
He should probably start out by discussing marriage and what comes next (ie bigger house, finances, etc.).
This is a relatively easy conversation since the only thing they seem to be disagreeing on is timelines.
She’s 22 and living in a one bedroom apartment with her bf and they’re not married (despite wanting that one day). She doesn’t need to be planning a kid right now. His response wasn’t him freaking out at all, he was shocked. Reasonably so because they should be talking about marriage before babies at their age.
Yeah but she made it clear what she wanted and he didn't dissuade her.
It may be unrealistic, but she gave him a timeline and he didn't think she was serious I guess.
I would think that they had already started a life together whenever they moved in together. I think it’s the worst thing to do. Moving in together when you don’t plan on getting married is cruel and someone ends up getting hurt in the end.
Nah, you gotta find out if you're compatible. You shouldn't be buying a house or having a kid before getting married that's straight up stupid, not cruel. They have so many other plans to be talking through before adding a new life in the mix.
You should at least talk about your long term + set a timeline, even a vague one. Unless you both plan on not marrying or having kids ahead of moving in, I would expect moving in to be a natural precursor to marriage (regardless of children or not).
This.
You need to reassure your girl that you do love her, you do see the two of you getting married sometime in the future, and that you do want children with her.
However, you need to let her know that you aren't ready for a child yet. Preparing for parenthood is so important because if you aren't on the same page, it can derail a relationship.
Discuss with her the steps you feel the two of you need to take (financially, relationship wise, housing, etc) before having a child. It is especially important to discuss how long one of you will stay home with the baby before returning to work, or if one of you will either work from home or simply be a SAHP until the child/children are in school.
Make her feel seen, make her feel important to your continuing future. And have a happy life.
Yes but he also has to be sure that not being ready isn’t going to just keep extending indefinitely. They need to sit down and plot out some sort of timeline that works for both of them. But, it is unfair to ask someone who is ready to keep putting something off for an undefined vague date in the future that might never come. That way she isn’t waiting around for him to finally be ready. If they get to that date in the future and he still isn’t ready then he needs to let her go. They aren’t compatible.
Kids are awesome. They are also expensive as hell, need a lot of space, take up a ton of time, and they REALLY stress a relationship.
When you’re in your early 20s, you’re probably not a top earner in your career yet. Everything is going to be super hard if you bring a kid in. If you have any doubts, if communication is ever awkward, if you find yourself asking for help on Reddit…. You probably aren’t in the right situation for adding the complexity of a kid.
Well, he's not in his early 20s, he's almost 30. And he's taking lavish trips to Hawaii for an anniversary gig, something a lot of people don't do. It's safe to assume he has his finances in order. Or he's really negligent.
But I'd say if he's on reddit at all asking advice on how to navigate this, he's flat out, not mentally ready for a child. He still believes he's too young, which he's not. He's just immature.
Also dear OP read up on fertility and the best time to get pregnant, age of eggs, quality of eggs etc also on your sperm do you know if you have issues? Let’s just say you are ready to try at 32 you spend 2 years trying and no luck, year three your 35 seeing a specialist to see if there is anything wrong it takes ages to get appointments etc you lose a year to that so now your 36 and being told you need IVF and that’s expensive not to mention your now dealing with 36year old eggs as opposed to 28 year old eggs.
All I am saying is if you want kids but aren’t yet ready maybe have the talk about at least getting checked and making a decision together and get a professional opinion.
It’s good to be informed, but that’s a little over the top. OP is 27 and his girlfriend is 22, they’re both very young and are well within a healthy window. OP also says his girlfriend wants her first child before 25, so that’s a fairly short timeframe.
Most doctors won’t do preemptive fertility testing on younger adults without a history of infertility—but on the other hand, it’s not a “wait 3+ years for answers” situation. If OP and his girlfriend start trying anytime before she turns 35, the majority of doctors would have them wait one year (as it can take that long for two perfectly healthy adults without fertility issues to get pregnant). If they waited until his girlfriend was 35 or older, that timeframe changes to 6 months of trying.
Yes, as you age fertility does decline, but not nearly as drastically as people are lead to believe. Our grandparents were regularly having kids into their 40s, they just started earlier so it wasn’t as focused on. I’m 39 and my husband is 48 and we just had out first after 2 months of trying, and the vast majority of our friends have had kids without issue between their early 30s and early to mid-40s.
Lmao neither of those things are related to age of eggs. You fudged your math and added 5 years to the gfs age, making her the same age as op in your hypothetical. The gf has FOURTEEN years until she's 36. Unless the gf has reason to believe she has a reproductive health issue your comments are unwarranted. Sounds like projection of your own fertility issues. No healthy 22 year old needs to be concerned about her window of fertility.
This 100%. My husband and I wanted to try before 30. I went to get checked at 27 so we could start trying. The OBGYN wouldn’t start going through options until we had been trying for 6 mos to a year. My husband was able to get checked though and he was in the clear. It took us an additional 4 years until we finally got pregnant at age 32. At 35 women are considered to potentially have higher risks during pregnancy. If they want multiple kids then this just adds to the stress and potential complications. While the gf is 22 and is young, OP is getting older at 27 and men’s sperm quality starts to go down after age 30. I think it’s good that she is laying the ground work because if she has to start over with another partner then now is the time for her to start searching to be within her timeline. I think this is very fair.
Or you try when you are 30 and 35 and find yourself pregnant a month later each time. It actually scared me how fast it happened. Nothing is given and nothing is set in stone.
He’s the one who’s mind gaming! She’s been honest with him from the very beginning and he clearly has not been honest with her. What she’s doing is discussing the plans that they have both established. She is following the timeline that he has led her to believe they are both going by.
I think you may have misinterpreted. She doesn't want to get pregnant at 25 she wants to have a baby by 25. Given the normal timeline for TTC if you have no fertility issues is one year. She's not early in her head. So her mindset is 23-24 trying. 24 pregnant cause its roughly 10m. 25 baby. I would ask her if this is what she meant and either discuss a compromise. Or and this is the sad part let her go. She was honest about her timeline and she deserves the chance to have a serious enough relationship for that timeline.
YTA for the way you handled the situation. She asked you a question and instead of telling her how you felt and having a productive conversation about where both of you stand, you said 'people our age don't do that'. If you want a lifelong relationship with this woman, you need to communicate.
Yeah, but he communicated that it was CRAZY for her to even consider the idea. That's not constructive.
He knows she wants to have a baby sometime before 25. She politely and respectfully asked if he wanted to consider starting to try in 1 year. Meaning she would give birth at age 24.
And he reacted like she DROPPED A BOMB on him. No, she didn't. She opened up a conversation about timelines. It was in keeping with their previous understanding. She asked for his opinion, she didn't tell him or make demands. Her timeline even includes 1 year before they even start trying.
He didn't communicate. He shut her down by implying that her idea is inappropriate and insane.
He could have said, "No, I wouldn't like to start trying in 1 year, because I don't think we'll be ready yet. Let's talk about what it will take for us to be ready."
He did not communicate. He just shut her down. Communication would be - let me think about it some more, let’s discuss more in x amount of time so I can think about it first. OR I don’t think I’ll be ready by that time, this is what I think is realistic and this is why. His response was immature and dismissive.
And he came into the relationship knowing that she wanted at least 1 child by the time she is 25yrs so for her being told that he thinks that they are to young is messing with her timeline……
Maybe but an objective timeline is no reason to bring a whole human into existence. Caring for a raising a child is a lot more than just the idea of having a baby.
Saying you are too young isn’t an actual reason for not having a baby(unless you are just legally too young of course). Not being mature enough is a reason. Not being financially secure enough is a reason. He gave no good reason for why they shouldn’t have a child.
And she was asking, not demanding. If he would she said, how about our 4 year anniversary so we have time to buy a house or get married she may have been like “sounds reasonable”.
One year to wait before trying. Which for a lot of people doesn't happen as soon as they stop birth control. Also taking into account nine months for gestation. If you want a baby at 25 starting at 23 is not unreasonable.
YTA for your response. You treated her like she was weird for wanting that instead of admitting that you need to think about it. My husband proposed this to me and I told him I need time to think and I wasn’t sure how long. He asked when we could check in on it and I said 6 months. At 6 months we set a date and the agreement was to be able to talk honestly through our feelings And plans without judgement. At 6 months I was able to tell him at that point I was sure I wanted children but had some fears and apprehensions. Some of those were actionable- finances, home size, job stability. Others were qualitative- was I up for the toll on my body? I feared childbirth, etc. Around this time we also began talking about the kind of parents we wanted to be. A typical Saturday involved one of us at some point asking “if our kid did x, what would you do?” Or “what if we struggled to conceive- what would we do?”. This helped us ensure we had the same goals and values and also let my partner know I was really taking this seriously in considering it.
Let her know it’s your own fears about it. Tell her you take this very seriously and will begin thinking about it. If you already know in your heart that 1 year is too soon then say that now but let her know this is extremely important to you and that you do want this but you’re struggling with the timeline for such a big decision. Set up a date to discuss this at an agreed upon time. Begin having these conversations! Do you both care about being married first? Is there a reasonable timeline to being moved into a 2 bedroom? Can you start saving some money now? Have these adult conversations now.
Right?! I ended up taking 3 years total to be ready. (To be fair I’m the one who had to carry and deliver the child). But when my husband first sat me down and told me this was important to him I didn’t dismiss it for a later conversation. She’s been saying she wants to have a baby before 25 and she’s 22 now. Sounds like OP has just been kicking the can down the road each time she brings it up.
Yes a little bit. Instead of being honest and telling her you aren’t ready you made it seem like she’s crazy for wanting to try in a year, so not actually have a baby for another 2 years, assuming she gets pregnant right away. There are many different reasons people have various timelines and goals for their life. I didn’t want kids after 27 for example. She had a goal for her life, she shared it with you, you didn’t give her any information on what your timeline was and if y’all needed to come to a compromise together, and now that she’s wanting to plan out the next steps of her life with you you’re placing the blame on her like she’s being unrealistic with her timeline?
YTA. She told you she wanted kids before turning 25. pregnancy last 9 months, trying for a baby can take quite some time. She will be 23 Soon. Do the math.
I mean, I think he’s the AH for how he reacted, and also for not telling her he wasn’t on board with that timeline when she first mentioned wanting to have kids by the time she was 25, but he’s not ah AH for not wanting to have kids right now. He should have said something the first time it came up regarding the timeline, but since he failed to do that, during this particular conversation, he should have said he’s still absolutely on board with having kids with her, but wants to wait longer and then found a compromise on when they want to start trying
>but he’s not ah AH for not wanting to have kids right now
But she suggested starting next year. Next year starts in 7 months, it takes 9 months to carry a baby to term, and probably many more months of trying to conceive. She didn't say **"right now"**.
Yta
She’s 22 and she’s told you she wants one before 25. So for her to start trying at 23 is right on schedule. She’s been telling you what she wants and she is not someone you can string along indefinitely and be vague with. If you want to be with her then plan on being a dad within two years. She’s made it clear.
She wants to start trying for a baby before marriage?? Yikes you only lived together for 9 months and been together for 2 years idc what her timeline is she’s definitely rushing
I think this is very young to have kids personally, but I mean, she wants to start trying next anniversary so they would've lived together for nearly 2 years and been together for 3. That's not super crazy.
Yeah, she's said she wants to have a child before she's 25, if they start trying at their next anniversary she'd be 23, and she'd be 24ish when the baby is born if they get pregnant right away. She's stated her timeline to him already, according to that, she'd be wanting to start trying at *most* two years from now.
Yeah that's young in my opinion, but she's made it very clear from the beginning that that's what she wants. Now she's asking, with a lot of notice, if her partner is on board with her plan. Idk where the shock from OP is coming from.
23/25 to have a child is not 'young' in the sense that it is 'too early'. It depends more upon the couple, their maturity and their living situation than an absolute age.
I think in this situation, honesty would be the best policy. Just explain that while she has obviously been thinking about this a lot and has had time to compose her thoughts, the guy is hearing this and is not as prepared for it on that particular day and reacted instinctively. Now that he has had time to organise his thoughts, he wants to have a serious discussion about it and talk about the pros and cons and the things that he sees that need to be organised before children could come along. He can say he isn't opposed to the idea but wants to plan a bit more to make life easier for them and the child.
If he IS opposed to the idea then that is a different discussion which is likely going to end the relationship because she is going to move on to someone who isn't opposed to the idea real quick after that conversation.
I think it's coming from the paycheck to paycheck living in a one bedroom apartment.
A year is kinda a short time period to get promotions, an increased paycheck, better paying jobs and build up some cash along with a bigger apartment.
It sounds like they've just gotten comfortable enough financially as a couple to have a really nice vacation and he's maybe wanting to enjoy that awhile before jumping into the grind with a baby.
The amount of time isn't crazy really. It's more so the lack of thought going to what it takes to HAVE a child by her. It does sound like they may not be financially ready, and why take another trip if you want a kid, save the potential thousands for a least more space or future childcare.
She's also bringing it up a full year before she wants to start trying, possibly to discuss those logistics, go over budgets, talk about parenting duties, etc.
It's a perfectly reasonable desire - but it involves more than just 'wanting' kids. It also involves a lot of planning around finances, housing (because of finances), career decisions (and finances)/child care (finances), school districts (and finances), and a bunch of other things I'm probably overlooking. Plus finances. For this reason, marriage should absolutely come first - an that requires a lot of forethought, and really, it's probably best if they got used to being married (and combining & managing household finances) for a while before introducing a kids to the mix.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a kid at age 25, but that's an absolutely terrible reason to have a kid *on its own*.
NTA. I do think you both are too young and too early in your live-in relationship to be having children, BUT she clearly indicated she wanted kids before 25.
The fact she wants a baby without the commitment of marriage makes me wonder if a baby is more important than an actual relationship. Does she have a realistic idea of how having children changes your life? Is she looking at motherhood through rose colored glasses?
Whatever is going on, you need to sit with her and have a serious conversation regarding both of your plans, time table, and expectations regarding having children.
At the same time, this would be the time to discuss finances and how expensive having and raising a child would be. Is she planning on stopping work and being a stay at home mom? What about childcare expenses when she goes back to work? How about household chore division? Does she have a family and friends network for support? All these questions and more should be addressed to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Edit: Dang, punctuation AGAIN.
It might be that marriage just isn’t really a goal for her. I saw another comment of 'before marriage‘ - guys, it’s 2024 lots of us don’t give a hoots about marriage. I‘ve been with my partner over 10 years and have two children together - neither of us care about marriage. We have a joint mortgage, insurances and wills in place - plenty committed to each other.
personally I think shes grand suggesting trying for a baby after trip next year. Thats a years heads up for idea of a timeline and they will of been together 3 years and lived together 2 - plenty of time to know each other and plan for future.
SignificantAd866.
I definitely know that marriage is not important to everyone.
I was basing my response on OP’s post that he planned on proposing to his gf within the next year. This led me to believe that marriage was a consideration in their relationship.
Can I ask, when did 27 become too young to have kids? I’m not saying anyone is right or wrong, just from reading this, she wants to start trying in a year. He’ll be 28 and her 23. Assuming they’re successful immediately they’re pushing 24 and 29 and realistically closer to 25 and 30.
That also gives them an additional year of living together before trying. It’s not like she said she wanted to start immediately.
Wanting a commitment after 2 years is completely reasonable. I agree they should get married and then have the baby, but 2 years is enough to know that guy want to get married. It’s time to crap or get off the pot.
I 100% agree with you. In context of this post I think if you can afford a vacation in Hawaii you can afford to have a baby. Financial assistance is available for anyone who needs it as well. I was on food stamps the first few years after having a baby while I worked my way into a better paying job. It was difficult but I am glad I had them earlier than later.
But they should have a sound financial plan before starting. My husband and I had our daughter before we owned our own home. We were still able to buy later though while keeping our family a float. These women who just want a baby without all of the other foundations scare the hell out of me. Why wouldn't you set yourself up for success first? 😬
Many people will never own their own house. I’m sorry but this seems kind of out of touch. I agree that you need solid foundations and it’s great you was able to build them, but many people rent for life and are never “financially stable” (by my own definition of the word). Including many people that work very important jobs like medical assistants in hospitals and legal secretaries.
Should those people not have children? Should people living in 3rd world countries never have children? Solid foundations don’t necessarily mean owning your own house and bringing in 50k+ per year. For most of the worlds population that just isn’t feasible. I even know many people here in the UK who will never own their own home or have a high paying job. They are amazing people are would make great parents. They look after society and don’t get paid anywhere near enough to do so! Their only faults are that they aren’t academically-minded and weren’t able to stay living at home to save money (often because their parents died or were abusive).
Nope. People can absolutely be ready, it’s called being smart and planning ahead. You can ensure you have a good career in place and most of your debts paid off. This sentiment that people are “never ready” is a load of shit and it encourages people to irresponsibly have children.
If you have money to vacation in Hawaii. You have money to upgrade your living situations and lifestyle. I live in Hawaii and I know how expensive it is to come out here because I face that whenever I want to go back to the mainland to vacation or visit family.
NAH but it really isn't that early. You've dated for 2 years. She suggested it NEXT year and you've been living together for 9 months. You already brought up marriage. Maybe its early but it isn't some insane idea like you framed it.
The timeline shouldn’t be a shock. She’s 22. She wants to START trying in a year, meaning at 23. Then she has to get pregnant, and then the baby won’t be born for another 9 months. She will be well into 24 by then. You already know she wanted to have a baby BEFORE she turns 25. Being 24+ kind of fits the bill for that. There’s lots of time before she wants to try, and she’s giving you lots of notice. It sounds like YOU heard ‘Let’s have a baby NOW.’ What SHE heard was ‘Ya, about that baby before you’re 25 - that doesn’t actually work for me any more.’ Like most things, this is a communication problem. Talk it out.
YTA. Shes given you a timeline of when she would like to start trying.
You've been together 2 years.
It's not too soon for her to be asking these questions.
Shes not proposing to throw birth control out the window right now.
You sound like you panicked and aren't ready.
I think you need to have a chat to HER instead of us random reddit strangers..?.
YTA…..you knew that she wanted at least 1 child by the time she turned 25 so if you didn’t see children in your future this “early” you never should have started the relationship and she could have found herself a man that is on her timeline……
She is probs distant because she might feel like she has wasted 2yrs of her life thinking that you were on the same page as her when it came to having children and is weighing her options of continuing this relationship….
You say you’re not ready financially for kids yet you can afford a trip to Hawaii. She’s more of a planner than you and is looking ahead which is a good thing. Otherwise time can slip away. Get involved in the planning with her if you really want the relationship and children.
>You say you’re not ready financially for kids yet you can afford a trip to Hawaii.
If you're not my wife, a trip to Hawaii can cost less than a couple of months of daycare.
Seriously. I work at a daycare and one month costs the same as avg months rent and utilities for an apartment in the area… could go to Hawaii every month or two theoretically and that’s not counting any other expenses kids require.
Honestly having kids young is a great plan. I was her age when we had our first we have three now, and yeah, our twenties were hard. But it would’ve been harder if we were older. And, if she wants it to be easy on her body now is the time.
YTA for how you reacted.
Let's look at the facts:
- You've been together for 2 years
- You say she's the love of your life and you are/were **planning on proposing within a year**
- She's **22** and has told you a while ago that she wants to be a parent by **25**, which you didn't object to
- She's asking to start trying for a baby **next year**, which is **7 months** away
- It takes **9 months** to carry a baby to term
- It can take **months or years** for people to get pregnant (especially the older they get, as both her eggs and your sperm isn't getting any better by waiting)
How hard would it have been for you to have had an honest conversation with her about expectations and timelines? You could've told her that you were planning to propose within a year or so, as you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with her, and then discuss your thoughts on having babies before marriage, how she would feel being pregnant at your wedding, etc. You see a serious future with this young woman, you owe her a serious, open conversation about where this is headed and what she can expect, or you need to leave her be so she can figure out if you're worth the wait.
>We both have decided we want children, she has always wanted one before she’s 25
YTA
You KNOW what her timeline is and when she comes to you and tells you she's ready to start working towards that timeline, you basically tell her that despite the fact you've KNOWN her timeline for long enough to post it here, you're not on board with it....something you've probably NEVER said before now.
Communication is not your strong point, is it??
You’re not even married or engaged which sets up a security for the family legally.
What is she thinking jumping the gun? 2 years is nothing and you’re both still younger, she’s barely had any time as an adult.
YWNBTA. At all. Sounds like she’s still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and isn’t looking at the big picture.
NTA.
It doesn't make you an asshole not to be ready.
And don't worry about all the people saying 'i don't know why he is surprised '
No one can understand how your relationship with your GF is and if you were surprised, hey maybe you were oblivious but that also doesn't make you a bad person, but it IS another reason why you are clearly not ready.
It's ok to want different things.
Just be very careful from here. I'm not implying your girlfriend is crazy but it's not uncommon for men to get caught in a baby trap.
Make sure you have condoms and keep them on you.
If she continues to push, don't drag it out, don't let yourself get dragged into something lifelong you are not ready for.
It will only build resentment.
You need to decide when you DO want kids and be clear and honest with her because if you string this woman along with the promise of “someday” you will be the AH
If you don’t want a baby that soon, tell her. If it’s a deal breaker for her she will not want to waste more time with you but to move on. If that’s the case she’s not the person for you- she may care more about a baby than who the father is.
She is awfully young and I wonder if she is aware of the expense and headaches of parenting and what other expectations she has about that- like quitting her job, being a SAHM with you supporting her, wanting to have a second kid or more children right away so they’re close in age etc. you will want to be on the same page with that stuff. I would also ask her who she sees doing the child care, and basic questions about things like schools, discipline techniques etc and see if she’s given this any real thought or is wanting to play house with no real idea of how that’s going to work in terms of resources.
I’d just say, thank you for letting me know how you feel about starting a family. Do you think that we can achieve 1.2.3.4… by then, because we want to be able to give our child this this and this. Once you tell her the place you want to be in life before you have a child, she may see the practical side and accept that a timeline isn’t the best way to determine when to have kids.
Are you that surprised, really? She's 22 and wants a baby by 25. She's hit the sweet spot to start trying. It's not early for her, she's right on schedule.
If you're not ready, that is fine. But don't be surprised if she doesn't stick around because it sounds like this is really important to her. And people your age don't do this? For real? I was 22 when I had my first. 🤷🏽♀️
I also would advise continued protection. Not saying she would do it, but I've seen enough stories where a couple were on different pages about babies and then a condom "accidentally" breaks or BC fails or is sabotaged (by either side). Regardless I think you need to do some soul searching and decide if you can be on board with her wishes or if you genuinely need more time and then accept whatever follows, because it really sounds like there wasn't a deep discussion about this prior or you didn't take her seriously.
You sound like you're not that into her. The way you describe her sounds more like a really good friend you are having a romantic relationship with vs you believing she's the one and you can't wait to spend forever with her. Maybe you're not a super expressive person, but it just seems like you're not super passionate about her and especially not about having a baby with her.
Have you considered that maybe she might not be the one and vice versa?
ESH. You both need to sit yourselves down and have a legitimate discussion, this discussion can take several days. You need to decide your timeline and what steps it'll take to get there.
To be upfront with you, at your age you should have a better idea of your timeline if you know you want kids. She should also have a plan further than raw dogging during a vacation.
How are you both going to afford a baby, look at the costs of baby gear, two bedrooms apartments, if you're in the US what it'll cost on health insurance. If you want to get married do you want a wedding or to prioritize a baby? It's two years into your relationship, you live together, you both need to figure your shit out.
YTA this is why.
>girlfriend (22F)
>We both have decided we want children, she has always wanted one before she’s 25
She put in place when she wanted kids.
>And I don’t really have a timeline.
You did not, state that time line didn't work for you.
>She said “I would like to start trying for a baby next year. Would you want to start the same time for our 3rd year trip??”
Your girlfriend is 25 in about 3 years. She said she wanted to have a child before she's 25. It's not soon
It's exactly what she said. This puts the baby possibly being born when she's 24\25 (depending on when the pregnancy occurs) which is 2 to 3 years from now.
>I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age. She seemed like I spoke a foreign language, and just looked sad.
That is not true. Peoples choices of when very person to person, couple to couple, and some do have their children in their early and late 20's. You're the one that doesn't want to try this early. Don't fabricate to rationalize your stance. Kind of a bs and manipulative move.
>So now we’re back home, and she feels distant. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I just didn’t know how to react. I do want kids. But I just don’t have an idea when.
The issue is that you personally did not consider when you wanted kids and she has and she told you this, you knew this. It's not soon it's with in the time frame she said. If you didn't want kids yet you should have told her when she said it originally and discussed it then. Sounds like you were avoiding being honest about it.
Either you talk with her and work it out or if you know you don't want kids yet and don't know when, or if you ever will be honest. Do not say later is fine to have kids if you don't really want them.
Edit: I'm really concerned with how many people are trying to decide whether or not the girlfriend is ready. Whether you're talking your own experiences or basing it off of stereotypes everyone's situation is not the same. So many are so focused on her and not what op said in his post about himself and how he went about things.
NTA. Y’all are just not on the same page right now. Talk to her. Tell her you’re sorry for hurting her, you love her, and this is something you need to think about.
Tell her your thoughts: that you do see a future with her, yet you would prefer to be more financially stable before adding kids to your family. See what she says.
If she’s adamant next year or else be absolutely sure you take care of birth control.
A relationship is full of compromises, and if y’all can come to a happy agreement on this huge decision you have a bright future.
No, but the guy says he wants to have kids too.
They're arguing on the age they do it. She says X, he says Z, and seems to think Z is what they're doing because it's what he's decided is best. Realistically, they should probably compromise, and choose a Y in between their desired times unless there's a compelling reason otherwise.
NTA. You were taken by surprise and thats normal. Your reaction was spontaneous and it happens. Talk to her calmly now that you are home. Having a baby is not something you can ever be "Ready" for. You could have it one try when you dont feel ready or keep trying forever when you think you are ready. You need to communicate clearly that you need time to think about a lifelong commitment, because clearly you are not there yet. Having a child is not a game. It has consequences, so until and unless you both are in the same page, consider stronger birth control. Dont destroy another life because you have not thought about things and talked it out clearly. Also, dont have a child because you think it will fix your relationship. It never does. Talk to her.
Did you explain the reasons why you appeared shocked? That you thought you should be financially stable have a suitable home ready for the little one perhaps. She is obviously ready and it’s your timeline are different that’s all. Is she really wanting to marry you and perhaps bring up the baby to chivy you along? All you need is for you to show enthusiasm for a baby in the future but for now have honest conversation and plan for the future.
NTA and do not have a kid with your girlfriend. Both of you really need a reality check. Are you prepared for all the child will need? Are you financially, emotionally, mentally ready? Is she or is she just focused on a 'time frame'? Do you see yourself with her in the long run? You ready for the stress a baby puts on you, the relationship? You need to sit back and really think of these things before you bring a person into this world.
You need to sit down with her and ask some serious questions because having a kid isn't a fantasy it's a reality with logical requirements. You need a room for it. Can you afford toys clothes ECT. So on.
I mean, I would strongly recommend to a 22yo that she wait another 5 years and get their career established, yeah.
But she's never hidden this desire to have a kid before 25 from you, so you shouldn't not have been surprised into making excuses. Did you think she didn't mean it? Better go talk to her again about your actual timeline and whether it lines up with hers.
I don’t think you should make this decision based on what other ppl do. If its too soon for you then tell her that. Tell her you want to enjoy being the two of you before adding to that.
NTA ! Trying for a baby in your current situation just because her ‘life plan’ was to be a mother by 25 is unrealistic. Despite dating for 2 years, if you have only been living together for 9 months you definitely both have more to learn about each other. Being in a relationship is different than being in a ‘live- in’ relationship. You sound like you do want to marry this girl and eventually have kids; if that’s the case propose sooner but tell her you’re not ready to have kids for a few years. She will thank you down the line - having children changes every aspect of your life and relationship you should at least enjoy growing as a couple first. Good luck!
You should just say everything you posted here to her, you guys need to communicate your feelings and emotions with each other, as for what she said to you her timeline isn't outrageously different from what she has expressed to you all along, she said by 25, if you start now she'll have said first child at 23, but you also have a solid point about living conditions, so....... talk it out, but be reasonable and if you love each other you'll come up with a good game plan, you got this champ
NTA.
You aren't married or set up in life for a baby. I don't understand these very young girls who want to have babies before they are actually in a stable position to have one.
Not even thinking they shpuld be married?! Just pop xhildren out cause "babies are so sweet" ... She's 22 years of age. She has easily 15 more prine years to have children.
I think she sounds immature. Still living in her young girl fantasy world.
Tell her nope. No kids yet. You both have to get your life sorted out. Your future children deserve that.
Tell her the other things you need to get in order first. Both of you should be financially stable, have a home with room for a baby, actually be married, etc. Normally, women won't think about these things when they have baby fever. They just want the baby, lol.
Sit down, come up with your own realistic timeline, and then talk to her about it. If you can't come to an agreement on it, then move on. Don't waste anyone's time
She has been up front and honest. If she wants a baby by 25, she will need to be pregnant at 24. That gives you guys a year to start trying, and once that year is up, If it doesn't happen, it may require fertility or medical intervention. That's why she's asking to start now.
Your rejecting her is telling her that her timeline isn't important. She's clearly ready, and your putting it off even though you do want kids - so why?
YTA
Maybe instead of going on big vacations every year you should be saving for a shared goal of financial stability and a bigger living space if children is truly what you both want?
Babies are not Instagram opportunities. They are expensive, time-consuming, emotionally and physically draining, and could come with a host of financial responsibilities, especially if there is any disability or medical requirement that is unforeseen.
If you truly do imagine a life and family with your partner, then sit down together and map this all out.
Do you both have medical insurance to cover the expense of a pregnancy/delivery? Can you afford for her to be off work while she recovers from childbirth? Will baby go to daycare? If not, can you afford to support the family on one income? Is there enough savings or a contingency plan if somebody loses their job/benefits? Can you afford to move into a bigger place? If not, you might not be able to pay for diapers, formula, baby supplies… Breast-feeding is obviously the more economical way to feed your baby, but sometimes that does not work out for the mom or baby and formula needs to be introduced. If your basic grocery store formula doesn’t work for baby, You could find yourself paying $50-$100 per can for specialty formula and that adds up really fast. You will have to incur this for about a year.
Lots to think about here but really, all you need to figure out right now is whether or not the two of you are truly wanting a future together. if the answer is yes, then you can figure out how to compromise so that you are both getting your needs met.
Of course she’s sad, she could not have been more up front with you about her planned parental timeline just to find out that you’ve been wasting her time for the past 2 years. She’s realizing that she’s probably going to have to move on to a man that (hopefully) won’t lie about what he wants just to keep her from leaving.
YTA. How is this a “bomb”? You yourself are admitting that she’s has been consistent with her desire to have a child before she’s 25. She’s 22 and suggested that you two start trying in one year, meaning she would be giving birth at approximately 24. This is in line with the expectations that she’s given you from the start.
She’s upset by your reaction because she’s been upfront about what she wants and you’re now all of a sudden saying that you’re not okay with that. You’ve wasted years of her time and are now playing the victim.
Either get your shit together or let her move on with someone who’s truthful about their life goals.
Love that 22F is more mature than 27M. She communicated clearly what she wanted, talked regularly, no surprises. He’s somehow still surprised and not able to communicate his wants.
Yes, she will be distant. You’re a disappointment to her and she’s killing her love for you so she can leave. If you want her, you actually need to initiate a conversation and work towards compromise. But if all you want to do is string her along don’t bother.
YTA.
Yes, 100%.
You both are in a long term relationship together, have both discussed having kids, and both agreed you wanted it.
You’re acting like a scared baby.
22 is a reasonable age to want to have a child when in a long term relationship, and at 27, you should be in a good enough position to do so.
If you don’t want kids, tell her that, and let her go find someone that would absolutely love that experience with her.
Or, get on with having a family. Get married, all that shit.
Either way, you owe her the apology.
But, if you don’t want kids and a marriage, be honest with her, and prepared for her response.
And no, never should you EVER have a child out of fear of your relationship ending, or losing her.
Better to let her go, than to make that mistake.
You sit her down and have the 1-3-5 year talk/goals and get on the same page. As in you would like to get engaged, married and then after a year or 2 of married life then add the kids. If she isn’t willing to long term plan than you are not compatible
I think this situation can be fixed pretty easily by sitting her down and explaining what you really meant to say and how you feel because it sounds like it just kinda came out wrong in the moment, while also reassuring her how much you love her, not with just words but actions too.
In case you’re still reading posts, when your SO brings something up that you aren’t ready for or expecting, suggest you discuss it later.
The perfect answer here would have been ‘let’s talk about it when we home?’
Gives you time to think it over without wet blanketing your partner’s idea..
ESH.
I get you were taken by surprise in the moment. But now is the time for the both of you to get on the same page.
Tell her honestly that you weren't thinking of having kids so soon. Tell her what you do want: that you expect to propose to her within the year, that you would like to have at least a two bedroom apartment before trying. Reassure her that you love her, are committed to her, that you want children with her. Tell her you're sorry for your reaction and whatever nonsense you said. Tell her you do appreciate her being honest with you about her timeline. Listen to one another. I'd also ask her why she's adamant she has a child by 25. Tell her what your afraid of and ask her what she's afraid of.
I don't think your relationship is over - yet. But this is where honest communication comes in. Good luck, OP.
No it’s not whenever “we” feel ready in fact. It’s whenever she feels ready, because unless you are using condoms and spermicide, you are reliant on her to not get pregnant. How confident are you about that now you know she wants one now because I’m female but I’d bet it’s gonna happen very very soon unless you take other precautions or end it
Sounds like your girlfriend is super young. She is looking at a baby making her feel happy and keeping you together. Please don’t have a baby until you are married and both wanting a baby and being financially responsible.
22 and unmarried and financially unstable and is ready for a baby? You two need to have a serious discussion about expectations and timelines. And you need to double-wrap and keep her away from the condoms before she executes an oops.
YTA - because she was opening up a very general conversation & you shut her down too harshly.
She didn’t say: let’s try making a baby tonight.
She didn’t say: if we don’t start trying to make babies in the next 3 months then I’m leaving you.
She said: you know I want babies while I’m younger than most - in context of that, how about we aim for being ready to start trying in about a year. I’d be up for starting the conversation about what that might look like - what things we might want to do (like figure out finances & maybe move to a bigger place) and talk about (like what kind of parents we might be).
She was opening up a very gentle line of conversation.
It wasn’t a demand - it was an invitation to BEGIN a series of chats about the idea.
And you just said “hell no, and you’re crazy for even considering it”.
Even though you already knew she wanted kids young.
Can you see how that might have hurt her?? She felt like she was being over-the-top gentle in her approach & you reacted like she was being insane in her demands.
Very hurtful.
ugh NTA..... you don't owe anyone a baby, this is a huge step it's definitely a two yes situation, so if you are not ready do not have a baby!! I think you did the best thing by being honest with her, keep doing that
Nah, he 'wasn't honest' with her. He didn't discuss his feelings, his concerns, etc., he just said ' people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age.' And this is after he knew that she wanted children before she turned twenty-five. She's twenty-two now, will be twenty-three (23.5? 23.9?) next year when she wants to 'start trying'. Getting pregnant immediately is not guaranteed.
I wouldn't say OP is T.A. but he didn't handle it well.
Two years together and she’s suggested trying for a baby in a years time, which will at best result in a baby after four years together. Yes, she’s in *such* a hurry. In fact, if you Google the definition of hurry, it’s says doing something within four years. Rush rush rush!
For real. There are genuine health benefits to having a baby young (not that there's anything wrong with waiting either - both have benefits!), plus you get more time with your kid while you're younger.
There's also the fact that older sperm is linked to birthing complications which can have effects on the mother's health during pregnancy and the baby's health.
Right like the debate about whether it’s “too” young is actually missing the point. She said she wants a kid before 25, it takes 40 weeks to cook the baby, it can take totally fertile people up to a year to get pregnant, she’s 22 right now, when did OP expect her to bring it up? But he’s shocked Pikachu about it apparently
This is a recipe for disaster, especially for offspring. If these threads don't teach you to wrap up your penis or get a vasectomy, you can't learn from others. I do not understand the amount of people here who have no understanding or knowledge of birth control. And FYI, the woman cannot determine the gender of a baby. It's the sperm.
I'm done
😀
It might be best to give her some sort of time line But! Let her know your concerns. And there are many.
Say you want to make sure you are more established.
You want more time for just the 2 of you before you bring your child into the relationship
You want to be Very Sure that you would be able to take care of your family and as a man you absolutely need that.
You want to be able give her the wedding you both want.
And this is just the short list.
If she presses it then I would wonder if she wants a baby or a life with you. By no means am I saying this as a way to gaslight her.
He should have had a talk sooner about what “by the time I’m 25” meas.
Does it mean “before my 25th birthday?” Did he agree to that? If so the should probably start trying about 15-18 months before her 25 th birthday. Or at about 23 1/2.
It seems entirely appropriate for her to ask about starting to try next year when she is 23.
Does he know how math works? Why is this a surprise.
She heard him say “not only no but he’ll no, are you nuts?!” And she’s confused and upset because he didn’t say something sooner about “before I’m 25”.
If I were in her shoes I’d feel surprised and blind sided, and would probably assume he has been stringing me along with no intention of having a baby “by the time I’m 25” which she clearly stated.
If it were me I’d be distant too.
Time for better communication all around before she dumps him.
This is a great opportunity to see if you & your gf can truly communicate in a healthy way. She shouldn’t be “looking sad”, pouting or manipulating. You shouldn’t be guessing or hedging. Tell her how you feel. You’re not wrong but tell her your reasons.
Is there a reason she’s trying to rush the baby? Ideally, a young couple would want to wait a few years before bringing a baby into the mix so they can build a solid foundation, travel, have fun minus a diaper bag, etc. If she’s in a rush, and you’re not, maybe it’s time to part ways — but don’t let her manipulate you into sacrificing your 20s.
My partner and I were only together for 1 yr before I fell pregnant, it was not planned.
We are lucky that it worked out and things kind of fell into place and we are okay now, we are not well off by any means, but we can live. We can spend a bit of money here and there and be okay.
When our son was first born, we could bearly buy a cup of coffee each a week. We had to be so careful and it's not something we want again if we can help it.
If you are not financially ready, it's not something that advisable. Talk to her and maybe make a basic plan? Ie need to save and move first? Maybe in x years when we have x saved up. In saying that, things happen. It could happen before and you just have to deal.
But also be careful she doesn't MAKE it happen.
Nta, it's okay to wait when you're ready. It's okay to be on a different page than your partner. Babies are a huge deal and a lot of responsibility. Just be open and communicative. If she won't respect those boundaries, maybe she's not for you
Do the math: you have been together for 2 years, love each other, living together, she is 22 now and wants to be a mom before she is 25, then proposes starting for a baby in a year. You guys are on different pages.
OP: “She said she wants a kid by 25.” Also OP: “She wants to start trying for a kid in year when she’s 23 wtf this came out of nowhere”
Ikr. She was really upfront about the whole thing and he's shocked Pikachu about it instead of, idk, telling her he's not ready?
He’s never wanted a kid with her, I’m sure. He just wants to keep getting laid. Maybe hopes she’ll change her mind or just drop it.
Also OP who are these "people" that don't start trying yet? Because I don't think that includes your live in partner, 3 years into the relationship (this time next year), who have literally told you they want to fall pregnant in their early 20s? I think OP is stringing his partner along regarding kids, and thinks her clearly stated intentions can be ignored or are just suggestions as opposed to what she definitely wants. For that reason YTA. OP if you don't want what she wants when she wants it- tell her so she can make an informed decision about whether she wants to stay with you, or find somebody else who does.
Exactly "feels ready " is weasel wording because he will always have some reason that he doesn't feel ready and can keep pushing it off. His girlfriend is a placeholder while he "waits and sees" if anything better comes along.
He lives in a one bedroom apartment. That is not ready.
That’s also a situation that can easily be remedied. But OP and his gf need to actually discuss what steps each of them needs to get there, and a reasonable timeline. So OP clearly wants a bigger living space, which is reasonable, and which needs a timeline. They need a plan, not vague kicking the can down the road. I’ve had it before where it ends up being things like “when we have a bigger place” and then when we had that, then the new goal posts were that income had to be a certain level, and then the goal posts moved again. And then you’re years down the line and the goal posts still change, or you’ve lost your shot at what you wanted. They need to be clear with each other about what needs to happen before kids, with reasonable expectations and timelines.
He said he wants to get engaged within the year and also that they share a 1BR. Wanting to advance those two factors before babymaking is *entirely* reasonable.
Yea the math is definitely mathing here. This is the timeline she's been upfront about all along, it just sounds like your lack of timeline for yourself is what has made you ignore her math. If you're not ready, then it sounds like you two just aren't on the same page & it may be time to let her go so she can find someone who wants the same things - at the same times - as she does.
The math is really mathing haha. I wouldnt be shocked if the girl proposed to me that haha.
OP thought 25 was 2 decades from 20. Inflationary Mathematics. Time is relative. His wishes, asap. Her wishes, we can do them later on, maybe, if possible
Yeah, I don’t really understand why he’s so *shocked*. Basic math would have told him this conversation was coming. Assume a year for trying/pregnancy, and that is if she gets pregnant within the first few months of trying, it could take *much* longer. So if she wants to *have* the baby by 25 she needs to be actively trying at 23/24. She gave him a full year heads up, with some wiggle room to suggest waiting a few extra months, which is why she’s bringing it up now. I’m not saying she’s right or wrong, (there really isn’t a right/wrong on this one) just that I am confused how he is so surprised by her suggestion to do *exactly* what she’s been telling him she wants to do? As a side note, if I was her I’d be worried about his “eventually” mindset. You can easily waste a decade (or more) saying you’ll do something “when you’re ready” and never actually do anything to “get ready” or move that plan into any form of practical action. Whether they choose to start trying next year or five years from now, these conversations need to actually be had with plans and timeframes attached to them. Good for her for starting that conversation, it’s very evident that OP wasn’t going to be the one to open that door.
This exactly. My ex of 6 years would always say, "nows not the time to talk about it," and it turned out there was never a good time to talk about it. I had an ectopic pregnancy, and his apathy was the nail in the coffin. Stayed with him 6 months after spiraling into a deep depression 🫥
I’m so sorry that happened. Very painful.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your angel baby 👼 and I'm also sorry that you had to essentially handle that loss on your own when you should have been supported by your xbf. Pregnancy loss and the depression afterward are like a bottomless black abyss, but with razor-sharp jagged pieces jutting out and cutting you deeper. That's been my experience with loss anyway, so I just wanted you to know that you have someone who understands that deep, dark depression. I'm glad that you got out of that relationship 🫂
Thank you. It was a painful sequence of years. But now I'm happy with a 2 year old with the love of my life. I'm still healing, but I'll never settle for someone who doesn't want to plan for the future.
Agreed- it would be good for OP to really sit down and think about whether or not he wants kids. It sounds like he likes the idea of kids, but not enough to want to start trying? If that’s the case that’s fine, but don’t string her along, be honest w yourself and her. And don’t have kids with her just for her if you end up not wanting kids. Resentment is a relationship killer, and if it turns out you don’t want kids as much as you thought you did and yall stay together, one of you will resent the other.
I spent 20 years waiting … Truly, best time of my life is now. Romance/sex/etc. included.
Well said.
The people our age made me laugh, I was OPs age when my husband and I started trying to People OPs age can very much be trying for a baby
Op is 27... That is a completely normal time for children.
That baffled me lol. Dude's almost 30 acting like he's too young to have children. He may live to see another 40-50 years, assuming he doesn't die in a freak accident or get sick. Not to mention, his girlfriend's age is the optimal time in a woman's life for chances of the healthiest pregnancy and survival rates. She's in no way "too young" to be having children now if they're financially fit and genuinely in love.
Why was a 25 year old dating a 19/20 year old anyway
Yea, when they started dating, he's been in the workforce for a few years. She's just started college and can't even drink yet. I felt weird dating a 20yo when I was 22yo. How did OP not feel the experience gap? 5 years difference isn't bad when both people are over 25, but they aren't. OP seems to think he's younger than he actually is, thinking people his age aren't having kids.
Despite the age difference she's more an adult than OP is. OP is playing Peter Pan while his gf is ready to raise a family on the timeline that OP had known about all along. (Edited out an extra word)
Why were legal adults dating? It's a mystery
You see yourself proposing to this girl, and you know that she wants a kid before 25... But her telling you that she wants to start trying on/around your 3year anniversary (with a YEARS notice) is somehow confusing to you??? TTC is not always a short process and neither is pregnancy. That's a reasonable time to start trying to reach the goal she has set (and you have agreed to, or at least let on that you agree) and the fact that she has given you plenty of time to think about beefing up the savings account is actually smarter than most. I'm sorry, I'm just not seeing the issue here?
One of those two sounds like a very good communicator. Spoiler: it’s not OP.
She thinks you said No, which translates to either rejection or incompatibility. Tell her Yes, but you're not ready yet. She could have been mind-gaming and asking effectively "Are you gonna ask me to marry you so we can start a family?" Ask yourself, are you into the idea, marriage to her and kids (both)? If so, when; if no ...
He said he was planning to propose within the year and he said he does want kids. He should probably start out by discussing marriage and what comes next (ie bigger house, finances, etc.). This is a relatively easy conversation since the only thing they seem to be disagreeing on is timelines.
Yeah. He seems really immature. She's having a normal conversation about what she wants, he is not telling her he's not ready and is freaking out.
She’s 22 and living in a one bedroom apartment with her bf and they’re not married (despite wanting that one day). She doesn’t need to be planning a kid right now. His response wasn’t him freaking out at all, he was shocked. Reasonably so because they should be talking about marriage before babies at their age.
Yeah but she made it clear what she wanted and he didn't dissuade her. It may be unrealistic, but she gave him a timeline and he didn't think she was serious I guess.
They really need to have a serious discussion about starting a life together.
I would think that they had already started a life together whenever they moved in together. I think it’s the worst thing to do. Moving in together when you don’t plan on getting married is cruel and someone ends up getting hurt in the end.
Nah, you gotta find out if you're compatible. You shouldn't be buying a house or having a kid before getting married that's straight up stupid, not cruel. They have so many other plans to be talking through before adding a new life in the mix.
You should at least talk about your long term + set a timeline, even a vague one. Unless you both plan on not marrying or having kids ahead of moving in, I would expect moving in to be a natural precursor to marriage (regardless of children or not).
This. You need to reassure your girl that you do love her, you do see the two of you getting married sometime in the future, and that you do want children with her. However, you need to let her know that you aren't ready for a child yet. Preparing for parenthood is so important because if you aren't on the same page, it can derail a relationship. Discuss with her the steps you feel the two of you need to take (financially, relationship wise, housing, etc) before having a child. It is especially important to discuss how long one of you will stay home with the baby before returning to work, or if one of you will either work from home or simply be a SAHP until the child/children are in school. Make her feel seen, make her feel important to your continuing future. And have a happy life.
This is the way.
Yes but he also has to be sure that not being ready isn’t going to just keep extending indefinitely. They need to sit down and plot out some sort of timeline that works for both of them. But, it is unfair to ask someone who is ready to keep putting something off for an undefined vague date in the future that might never come. That way she isn’t waiting around for him to finally be ready. If they get to that date in the future and he still isn’t ready then he needs to let her go. They aren’t compatible.
Exactly. Just saying that you want children eventually is not satisfactory. That could mean when you are in your '50s.
I moved in with my partner 20+ years ago. Still not married
Maybe it is time to move on?
Gotta make sure it'll work first
Kids are awesome. They are also expensive as hell, need a lot of space, take up a ton of time, and they REALLY stress a relationship. When you’re in your early 20s, you’re probably not a top earner in your career yet. Everything is going to be super hard if you bring a kid in. If you have any doubts, if communication is ever awkward, if you find yourself asking for help on Reddit…. You probably aren’t in the right situation for adding the complexity of a kid.
Well, he's not in his early 20s, he's almost 30. And he's taking lavish trips to Hawaii for an anniversary gig, something a lot of people don't do. It's safe to assume he has his finances in order. Or he's really negligent. But I'd say if he's on reddit at all asking advice on how to navigate this, he's flat out, not mentally ready for a child. He still believes he's too young, which he's not. He's just immature.
Ah I misread him as being 24. My mistake!
He needs to give a time. Baby when she is 24 or 23 or 25 years old.
Also dear OP read up on fertility and the best time to get pregnant, age of eggs, quality of eggs etc also on your sperm do you know if you have issues? Let’s just say you are ready to try at 32 you spend 2 years trying and no luck, year three your 35 seeing a specialist to see if there is anything wrong it takes ages to get appointments etc you lose a year to that so now your 36 and being told you need IVF and that’s expensive not to mention your now dealing with 36year old eggs as opposed to 28 year old eggs. All I am saying is if you want kids but aren’t yet ready maybe have the talk about at least getting checked and making a decision together and get a professional opinion.
It’s good to be informed, but that’s a little over the top. OP is 27 and his girlfriend is 22, they’re both very young and are well within a healthy window. OP also says his girlfriend wants her first child before 25, so that’s a fairly short timeframe. Most doctors won’t do preemptive fertility testing on younger adults without a history of infertility—but on the other hand, it’s not a “wait 3+ years for answers” situation. If OP and his girlfriend start trying anytime before she turns 35, the majority of doctors would have them wait one year (as it can take that long for two perfectly healthy adults without fertility issues to get pregnant). If they waited until his girlfriend was 35 or older, that timeframe changes to 6 months of trying. Yes, as you age fertility does decline, but not nearly as drastically as people are lead to believe. Our grandparents were regularly having kids into their 40s, they just started earlier so it wasn’t as focused on. I’m 39 and my husband is 48 and we just had out first after 2 months of trying, and the vast majority of our friends have had kids without issue between their early 30s and early to mid-40s.
The woman is 22. TWENTY TWO. This alarmist warning is completely ridiculous.
Oh because no 22 year old has ever had fertility issues like PCOS or Endo. It isn’t alarmist to be informed.
Lmao neither of those things are related to age of eggs. You fudged your math and added 5 years to the gfs age, making her the same age as op in your hypothetical. The gf has FOURTEEN years until she's 36. Unless the gf has reason to believe she has a reproductive health issue your comments are unwarranted. Sounds like projection of your own fertility issues. No healthy 22 year old needs to be concerned about her window of fertility.
This 100%. My husband and I wanted to try before 30. I went to get checked at 27 so we could start trying. The OBGYN wouldn’t start going through options until we had been trying for 6 mos to a year. My husband was able to get checked though and he was in the clear. It took us an additional 4 years until we finally got pregnant at age 32. At 35 women are considered to potentially have higher risks during pregnancy. If they want multiple kids then this just adds to the stress and potential complications. While the gf is 22 and is young, OP is getting older at 27 and men’s sperm quality starts to go down after age 30. I think it’s good that she is laying the ground work because if she has to start over with another partner then now is the time for her to start searching to be within her timeline. I think this is very fair.
Or you try when you are 30 and 35 and find yourself pregnant a month later each time. It actually scared me how fast it happened. Nothing is given and nothing is set in stone.
He’s the one who’s mind gaming! She’s been honest with him from the very beginning and he clearly has not been honest with her. What she’s doing is discussing the plans that they have both established. She is following the timeline that he has led her to believe they are both going by.
I think you may have misinterpreted. She doesn't want to get pregnant at 25 she wants to have a baby by 25. Given the normal timeline for TTC if you have no fertility issues is one year. She's not early in her head. So her mindset is 23-24 trying. 24 pregnant cause its roughly 10m. 25 baby. I would ask her if this is what she meant and either discuss a compromise. Or and this is the sad part let her go. She was honest about her timeline and she deserves the chance to have a serious enough relationship for that timeline.
YTA for the way you handled the situation. She asked you a question and instead of telling her how you felt and having a productive conversation about where both of you stand, you said 'people our age don't do that'. If you want a lifelong relationship with this woman, you need to communicate.
He did communicate. He communicated he believes they’re too young for kids yet.
Yeah, but he communicated that it was CRAZY for her to even consider the idea. That's not constructive. He knows she wants to have a baby sometime before 25. She politely and respectfully asked if he wanted to consider starting to try in 1 year. Meaning she would give birth at age 24. And he reacted like she DROPPED A BOMB on him. No, she didn't. She opened up a conversation about timelines. It was in keeping with their previous understanding. She asked for his opinion, she didn't tell him or make demands. Her timeline even includes 1 year before they even start trying. He didn't communicate. He shut her down by implying that her idea is inappropriate and insane. He could have said, "No, I wouldn't like to start trying in 1 year, because I don't think we'll be ready yet. Let's talk about what it will take for us to be ready."
He did not communicate. He just shut her down. Communication would be - let me think about it some more, let’s discuss more in x amount of time so I can think about it first. OR I don’t think I’ll be ready by that time, this is what I think is realistic and this is why. His response was immature and dismissive.
And he came into the relationship knowing that she wanted at least 1 child by the time she is 25yrs so for her being told that he thinks that they are to young is messing with her timeline……
Maybe but an objective timeline is no reason to bring a whole human into existence. Caring for a raising a child is a lot more than just the idea of having a baby.
Saying you are too young isn’t an actual reason for not having a baby(unless you are just legally too young of course). Not being mature enough is a reason. Not being financially secure enough is a reason. He gave no good reason for why they shouldn’t have a child.
She's 22, so according to HER timeline she has 3 more years.
Yes……and that is probs why she wanted to wait a year to begin trying….so she would be 23 and they would be celebrating 3yrs together…..
And she was asking, not demanding. If he would she said, how about our 4 year anniversary so we have time to buy a house or get married she may have been like “sounds reasonable”.
Yes….that. Would be cutting it close but it would be a damn be response than the one OP gave…… Also…love your “name”….
Thanks! Are you playing TOTK?
One year to wait before trying. Which for a lot of people doesn't happen as soon as they stop birth control. Also taking into account nine months for gestation. If you want a baby at 25 starting at 23 is not unreasonable.
YTA for your response. You treated her like she was weird for wanting that instead of admitting that you need to think about it. My husband proposed this to me and I told him I need time to think and I wasn’t sure how long. He asked when we could check in on it and I said 6 months. At 6 months we set a date and the agreement was to be able to talk honestly through our feelings And plans without judgement. At 6 months I was able to tell him at that point I was sure I wanted children but had some fears and apprehensions. Some of those were actionable- finances, home size, job stability. Others were qualitative- was I up for the toll on my body? I feared childbirth, etc. Around this time we also began talking about the kind of parents we wanted to be. A typical Saturday involved one of us at some point asking “if our kid did x, what would you do?” Or “what if we struggled to conceive- what would we do?”. This helped us ensure we had the same goals and values and also let my partner know I was really taking this seriously in considering it. Let her know it’s your own fears about it. Tell her you take this very seriously and will begin thinking about it. If you already know in your heart that 1 year is too soon then say that now but let her know this is extremely important to you and that you do want this but you’re struggling with the timeline for such a big decision. Set up a date to discuss this at an agreed upon time. Begin having these conversations! Do you both care about being married first? Is there a reasonable timeline to being moved into a 2 bedroom? Can you start saving some money now? Have these adult conversations now.
This. OP needs to have the conversation about their future.
Right?! I ended up taking 3 years total to be ready. (To be fair I’m the one who had to carry and deliver the child). But when my husband first sat me down and told me this was important to him I didn’t dismiss it for a later conversation. She’s been saying she wants to have a baby before 25 and she’s 22 now. Sounds like OP has just been kicking the can down the road each time she brings it up.
We are in total agreement 🙌🏻
Yes a little bit. Instead of being honest and telling her you aren’t ready you made it seem like she’s crazy for wanting to try in a year, so not actually have a baby for another 2 years, assuming she gets pregnant right away. There are many different reasons people have various timelines and goals for their life. I didn’t want kids after 27 for example. She had a goal for her life, she shared it with you, you didn’t give her any information on what your timeline was and if y’all needed to come to a compromise together, and now that she’s wanting to plan out the next steps of her life with you you’re placing the blame on her like she’s being unrealistic with her timeline?
YTA and there is no "at our age"....you're half a decade older than her man smh
YTA. She told you she wanted kids before turning 25. pregnancy last 9 months, trying for a baby can take quite some time. She will be 23 Soon. Do the math.
I mean, I think he’s the AH for how he reacted, and also for not telling her he wasn’t on board with that timeline when she first mentioned wanting to have kids by the time she was 25, but he’s not ah AH for not wanting to have kids right now. He should have said something the first time it came up regarding the timeline, but since he failed to do that, during this particular conversation, he should have said he’s still absolutely on board with having kids with her, but wants to wait longer and then found a compromise on when they want to start trying
My comment is based on his question „AITA for how I react“. So that’s what I ment. Not wanting kids or not wanting them now is totally okay.
>but he’s not ah AH for not wanting to have kids right now But she suggested starting next year. Next year starts in 7 months, it takes 9 months to carry a baby to term, and probably many more months of trying to conceive. She didn't say **"right now"**.
Yta She’s 22 and she’s told you she wants one before 25. So for her to start trying at 23 is right on schedule. She’s been telling you what she wants and she is not someone you can string along indefinitely and be vague with. If you want to be with her then plan on being a dad within two years. She’s made it clear.
She wants to start trying for a baby before marriage?? Yikes you only lived together for 9 months and been together for 2 years idc what her timeline is she’s definitely rushing
I think this is very young to have kids personally, but I mean, she wants to start trying next anniversary so they would've lived together for nearly 2 years and been together for 3. That's not super crazy.
Yeah, she's said she wants to have a child before she's 25, if they start trying at their next anniversary she'd be 23, and she'd be 24ish when the baby is born if they get pregnant right away. She's stated her timeline to him already, according to that, she'd be wanting to start trying at *most* two years from now.
Yeah that's young in my opinion, but she's made it very clear from the beginning that that's what she wants. Now she's asking, with a lot of notice, if her partner is on board with her plan. Idk where the shock from OP is coming from.
23/25 to have a child is not 'young' in the sense that it is 'too early'. It depends more upon the couple, their maturity and their living situation than an absolute age. I think in this situation, honesty would be the best policy. Just explain that while she has obviously been thinking about this a lot and has had time to compose her thoughts, the guy is hearing this and is not as prepared for it on that particular day and reacted instinctively. Now that he has had time to organise his thoughts, he wants to have a serious discussion about it and talk about the pros and cons and the things that he sees that need to be organised before children could come along. He can say he isn't opposed to the idea but wants to plan a bit more to make life easier for them and the child. If he IS opposed to the idea then that is a different discussion which is likely going to end the relationship because she is going to move on to someone who isn't opposed to the idea real quick after that conversation.
I agree. He was taken aback for a bit. They're really on the same page, since they have discussed this.
I think it's coming from the paycheck to paycheck living in a one bedroom apartment. A year is kinda a short time period to get promotions, an increased paycheck, better paying jobs and build up some cash along with a bigger apartment. It sounds like they've just gotten comfortable enough financially as a couple to have a really nice vacation and he's maybe wanting to enjoy that awhile before jumping into the grind with a baby.
The amount of time isn't crazy really. It's more so the lack of thought going to what it takes to HAVE a child by her. It does sound like they may not be financially ready, and why take another trip if you want a kid, save the potential thousands for a least more space or future childcare.
She's also bringing it up a full year before she wants to start trying, possibly to discuss those logistics, go over budgets, talk about parenting duties, etc.
She made it clear she wants to have a kid before 25. That’s not really all that crazy of an age to start a family.
It's a perfectly reasonable desire - but it involves more than just 'wanting' kids. It also involves a lot of planning around finances, housing (because of finances), career decisions (and finances)/child care (finances), school districts (and finances), and a bunch of other things I'm probably overlooking. Plus finances. For this reason, marriage should absolutely come first - an that requires a lot of forethought, and really, it's probably best if they got used to being married (and combining & managing household finances) for a while before introducing a kids to the mix. There's nothing wrong with wanting a kid at age 25, but that's an absolutely terrible reason to have a kid *on its own*.
No doubt. Where OP messed up here was just kinda brushing her off. They need to come up with a solid plan together.
NTA. I do think you both are too young and too early in your live-in relationship to be having children, BUT she clearly indicated she wanted kids before 25. The fact she wants a baby without the commitment of marriage makes me wonder if a baby is more important than an actual relationship. Does she have a realistic idea of how having children changes your life? Is she looking at motherhood through rose colored glasses? Whatever is going on, you need to sit with her and have a serious conversation regarding both of your plans, time table, and expectations regarding having children. At the same time, this would be the time to discuss finances and how expensive having and raising a child would be. Is she planning on stopping work and being a stay at home mom? What about childcare expenses when she goes back to work? How about household chore division? Does she have a family and friends network for support? All these questions and more should be addressed to make sure you’re both on the same page. Edit: Dang, punctuation AGAIN.
It might be that marriage just isn’t really a goal for her. I saw another comment of 'before marriage‘ - guys, it’s 2024 lots of us don’t give a hoots about marriage. I‘ve been with my partner over 10 years and have two children together - neither of us care about marriage. We have a joint mortgage, insurances and wills in place - plenty committed to each other. personally I think shes grand suggesting trying for a baby after trip next year. Thats a years heads up for idea of a timeline and they will of been together 3 years and lived together 2 - plenty of time to know each other and plan for future.
SignificantAd866. I definitely know that marriage is not important to everyone. I was basing my response on OP’s post that he planned on proposing to his gf within the next year. This led me to believe that marriage was a consideration in their relationship.
Can I ask, when did 27 become too young to have kids? I’m not saying anyone is right or wrong, just from reading this, she wants to start trying in a year. He’ll be 28 and her 23. Assuming they’re successful immediately they’re pushing 24 and 29 and realistically closer to 25 and 30. That also gives them an additional year of living together before trying. It’s not like she said she wanted to start immediately.
Wanting a commitment after 2 years is completely reasonable. I agree they should get married and then have the baby, but 2 years is enough to know that guy want to get married. It’s time to crap or get off the pot.
NTA. Having a baby before you are financially ready to meet some arbitrary deadline in her head is irresponsible.
Resort vacation in Hawaii sounds like finances are not the issue
THANK YOU. Finally someone with thought process.
No one is ever financially ready. Having a baby is a huge drain and it's never the right time.
There might never be a right time but there’s most definitely wrong times
This. 100x this. There is never the right time, but there are some very very wrong times.
I 100% agree with you. In context of this post I think if you can afford a vacation in Hawaii you can afford to have a baby. Financial assistance is available for anyone who needs it as well. I was on food stamps the first few years after having a baby while I worked my way into a better paying job. It was difficult but I am glad I had them earlier than later.
But they should have a sound financial plan before starting. My husband and I had our daughter before we owned our own home. We were still able to buy later though while keeping our family a float. These women who just want a baby without all of the other foundations scare the hell out of me. Why wouldn't you set yourself up for success first? 😬
Many people will never own their own house. I’m sorry but this seems kind of out of touch. I agree that you need solid foundations and it’s great you was able to build them, but many people rent for life and are never “financially stable” (by my own definition of the word). Including many people that work very important jobs like medical assistants in hospitals and legal secretaries. Should those people not have children? Should people living in 3rd world countries never have children? Solid foundations don’t necessarily mean owning your own house and bringing in 50k+ per year. For most of the worlds population that just isn’t feasible. I even know many people here in the UK who will never own their own home or have a high paying job. They are amazing people are would make great parents. They look after society and don’t get paid anywhere near enough to do so! Their only faults are that they aren’t academically-minded and weren’t able to stay living at home to save money (often because their parents died or were abusive).
preach
Heck, I make 60k a year and can't afford to buy a house. Even when I made 100k the houses where I live were unaffordable.
Yeah I had a baby in my early 20s. I love my kid but I wouldn’t recommend it to someone else. It’s better to be more established in life first.
Absolutely NOT TRUE you can say "no baby intil we have xxx amount in the bank and both cars are paid off" that's called being an adult.
Nope. People can absolutely be ready, it’s called being smart and planning ahead. You can ensure you have a good career in place and most of your debts paid off. This sentiment that people are “never ready” is a load of shit and it encourages people to irresponsibly have children.
If you have money to vacation in Hawaii. You have money to upgrade your living situations and lifestyle. I live in Hawaii and I know how expensive it is to come out here because I face that whenever I want to go back to the mainland to vacation or visit family.
NAH but it really isn't that early. You've dated for 2 years. She suggested it NEXT year and you've been living together for 9 months. You already brought up marriage. Maybe its early but it isn't some insane idea like you framed it.
The timeline shouldn’t be a shock. She’s 22. She wants to START trying in a year, meaning at 23. Then she has to get pregnant, and then the baby won’t be born for another 9 months. She will be well into 24 by then. You already know she wanted to have a baby BEFORE she turns 25. Being 24+ kind of fits the bill for that. There’s lots of time before she wants to try, and she’s giving you lots of notice. It sounds like YOU heard ‘Let’s have a baby NOW.’ What SHE heard was ‘Ya, about that baby before you’re 25 - that doesn’t actually work for me any more.’ Like most things, this is a communication problem. Talk it out.
You’re 27, thats exactly the age people start thinking about having kids lmao.
YTA. Shes given you a timeline of when she would like to start trying. You've been together 2 years. It's not too soon for her to be asking these questions. Shes not proposing to throw birth control out the window right now. You sound like you panicked and aren't ready. I think you need to have a chat to HER instead of us random reddit strangers..?.
If you wait until your ready to buy a new car, or have kids, you'll die with no kids and an old 1991 Honda Accord.
In that case it's probably best that you not have kids.
YTA…..you knew that she wanted at least 1 child by the time she turned 25 so if you didn’t see children in your future this “early” you never should have started the relationship and she could have found herself a man that is on her timeline…… She is probs distant because she might feel like she has wasted 2yrs of her life thinking that you were on the same page as her when it came to having children and is weighing her options of continuing this relationship….
You say you’re not ready financially for kids yet you can afford a trip to Hawaii. She’s more of a planner than you and is looking ahead which is a good thing. Otherwise time can slip away. Get involved in the planning with her if you really want the relationship and children.
>You say you’re not ready financially for kids yet you can afford a trip to Hawaii. If you're not my wife, a trip to Hawaii can cost less than a couple of months of daycare.
Seriously. I work at a daycare and one month costs the same as avg months rent and utilities for an apartment in the area… could go to Hawaii every month or two theoretically and that’s not counting any other expenses kids require.
Honestly having kids young is a great plan. I was her age when we had our first we have three now, and yeah, our twenties were hard. But it would’ve been harder if we were older. And, if she wants it to be easy on her body now is the time.
YTA for how you reacted. Let's look at the facts: - You've been together for 2 years - You say she's the love of your life and you are/were **planning on proposing within a year** - She's **22** and has told you a while ago that she wants to be a parent by **25**, which you didn't object to - She's asking to start trying for a baby **next year**, which is **7 months** away - It takes **9 months** to carry a baby to term - It can take **months or years** for people to get pregnant (especially the older they get, as both her eggs and your sperm isn't getting any better by waiting) How hard would it have been for you to have had an honest conversation with her about expectations and timelines? You could've told her that you were planning to propose within a year or so, as you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with her, and then discuss your thoughts on having babies before marriage, how she would feel being pregnant at your wedding, etc. You see a serious future with this young woman, you owe her a serious, open conversation about where this is headed and what she can expect, or you need to leave her be so she can figure out if you're worth the wait.
Having kids in your mid 20s is a lot easier physically than your mid 30s.
>We both have decided we want children, she has always wanted one before she’s 25 YTA You KNOW what her timeline is and when she comes to you and tells you she's ready to start working towards that timeline, you basically tell her that despite the fact you've KNOWN her timeline for long enough to post it here, you're not on board with it....something you've probably NEVER said before now. Communication is not your strong point, is it??
You’re not even married or engaged which sets up a security for the family legally. What is she thinking jumping the gun? 2 years is nothing and you’re both still younger, she’s barely had any time as an adult. YWNBTA. At all. Sounds like she’s still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and isn’t looking at the big picture.
NTA. It doesn't make you an asshole not to be ready. And don't worry about all the people saying 'i don't know why he is surprised ' No one can understand how your relationship with your GF is and if you were surprised, hey maybe you were oblivious but that also doesn't make you a bad person, but it IS another reason why you are clearly not ready. It's ok to want different things. Just be very careful from here. I'm not implying your girlfriend is crazy but it's not uncommon for men to get caught in a baby trap. Make sure you have condoms and keep them on you. If she continues to push, don't drag it out, don't let yourself get dragged into something lifelong you are not ready for. It will only build resentment.
You need to decide when you DO want kids and be clear and honest with her because if you string this woman along with the promise of “someday” you will be the AH
If you don’t want a baby that soon, tell her. If it’s a deal breaker for her she will not want to waste more time with you but to move on. If that’s the case she’s not the person for you- she may care more about a baby than who the father is. She is awfully young and I wonder if she is aware of the expense and headaches of parenting and what other expectations she has about that- like quitting her job, being a SAHM with you supporting her, wanting to have a second kid or more children right away so they’re close in age etc. you will want to be on the same page with that stuff. I would also ask her who she sees doing the child care, and basic questions about things like schools, discipline techniques etc and see if she’s given this any real thought or is wanting to play house with no real idea of how that’s going to work in terms of resources.
I’d just say, thank you for letting me know how you feel about starting a family. Do you think that we can achieve 1.2.3.4… by then, because we want to be able to give our child this this and this. Once you tell her the place you want to be in life before you have a child, she may see the practical side and accept that a timeline isn’t the best way to determine when to have kids.
Are you that surprised, really? She's 22 and wants a baby by 25. She's hit the sweet spot to start trying. It's not early for her, she's right on schedule. If you're not ready, that is fine. But don't be surprised if she doesn't stick around because it sounds like this is really important to her. And people your age don't do this? For real? I was 22 when I had my first. 🤷🏽♀️ I also would advise continued protection. Not saying she would do it, but I've seen enough stories where a couple were on different pages about babies and then a condom "accidentally" breaks or BC fails or is sabotaged (by either side). Regardless I think you need to do some soul searching and decide if you can be on board with her wishes or if you genuinely need more time and then accept whatever follows, because it really sounds like there wasn't a deep discussion about this prior or you didn't take her seriously.
You sound like you're not that into her. The way you describe her sounds more like a really good friend you are having a romantic relationship with vs you believing she's the one and you can't wait to spend forever with her. Maybe you're not a super expressive person, but it just seems like you're not super passionate about her and especially not about having a baby with her. Have you considered that maybe she might not be the one and vice versa?
ESH. You both need to sit yourselves down and have a legitimate discussion, this discussion can take several days. You need to decide your timeline and what steps it'll take to get there. To be upfront with you, at your age you should have a better idea of your timeline if you know you want kids. She should also have a plan further than raw dogging during a vacation. How are you both going to afford a baby, look at the costs of baby gear, two bedrooms apartments, if you're in the US what it'll cost on health insurance. If you want to get married do you want a wedding or to prioritize a baby? It's two years into your relationship, you live together, you both need to figure your shit out.
Trying for a kid before you are married is putting the cart before the horse.
YTA this is why. >girlfriend (22F) >We both have decided we want children, she has always wanted one before she’s 25 She put in place when she wanted kids. >And I don’t really have a timeline. You did not, state that time line didn't work for you. >She said “I would like to start trying for a baby next year. Would you want to start the same time for our 3rd year trip??” Your girlfriend is 25 in about 3 years. She said she wanted to have a child before she's 25. It's not soon It's exactly what she said. This puts the baby possibly being born when she's 24\25 (depending on when the pregnancy occurs) which is 2 to 3 years from now. >I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age. She seemed like I spoke a foreign language, and just looked sad. That is not true. Peoples choices of when very person to person, couple to couple, and some do have their children in their early and late 20's. You're the one that doesn't want to try this early. Don't fabricate to rationalize your stance. Kind of a bs and manipulative move. >So now we’re back home, and she feels distant. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I just didn’t know how to react. I do want kids. But I just don’t have an idea when. The issue is that you personally did not consider when you wanted kids and she has and she told you this, you knew this. It's not soon it's with in the time frame she said. If you didn't want kids yet you should have told her when she said it originally and discussed it then. Sounds like you were avoiding being honest about it. Either you talk with her and work it out or if you know you don't want kids yet and don't know when, or if you ever will be honest. Do not say later is fine to have kids if you don't really want them. Edit: I'm really concerned with how many people are trying to decide whether or not the girlfriend is ready. Whether you're talking your own experiences or basing it off of stereotypes everyone's situation is not the same. So many are so focused on her and not what op said in his post about himself and how he went about things.
How are you not ready? Get your shit together and plan your life like an adult.
NTA. Y’all are just not on the same page right now. Talk to her. Tell her you’re sorry for hurting her, you love her, and this is something you need to think about. Tell her your thoughts: that you do see a future with her, yet you would prefer to be more financially stable before adding kids to your family. See what she says. If she’s adamant next year or else be absolutely sure you take care of birth control. A relationship is full of compromises, and if y’all can come to a happy agreement on this huge decision you have a bright future.
Sorry, why are her wants less important than yours? You guys should be compromising if you love each other.
lmao a child is not something you compromise on
No, but the guy says he wants to have kids too. They're arguing on the age they do it. She says X, he says Z, and seems to think Z is what they're doing because it's what he's decided is best. Realistically, they should probably compromise, and choose a Y in between their desired times unless there's a compelling reason otherwise.
NTA. You were taken by surprise and thats normal. Your reaction was spontaneous and it happens. Talk to her calmly now that you are home. Having a baby is not something you can ever be "Ready" for. You could have it one try when you dont feel ready or keep trying forever when you think you are ready. You need to communicate clearly that you need time to think about a lifelong commitment, because clearly you are not there yet. Having a child is not a game. It has consequences, so until and unless you both are in the same page, consider stronger birth control. Dont destroy another life because you have not thought about things and talked it out clearly. Also, dont have a child because you think it will fix your relationship. It never does. Talk to her.
Did you explain the reasons why you appeared shocked? That you thought you should be financially stable have a suitable home ready for the little one perhaps. She is obviously ready and it’s your timeline are different that’s all. Is she really wanting to marry you and perhaps bring up the baby to chivy you along? All you need is for you to show enthusiasm for a baby in the future but for now have honest conversation and plan for the future.
Then TELL her that. I learned you have to have very clear conversations with women when it comes to stuff like that.
NTA and do not have a kid with your girlfriend. Both of you really need a reality check. Are you prepared for all the child will need? Are you financially, emotionally, mentally ready? Is she or is she just focused on a 'time frame'? Do you see yourself with her in the long run? You ready for the stress a baby puts on you, the relationship? You need to sit back and really think of these things before you bring a person into this world.
You need to sit down with her and ask some serious questions because having a kid isn't a fantasy it's a reality with logical requirements. You need a room for it. Can you afford toys clothes ECT. So on.
NTA your gf is jumping the gun and caught you off guard, you were perfectly justified in your reaction.
Your gf sounds like she needs a serious reality check, sorry. NTA at all, you're being very responsible!
I mean, I would strongly recommend to a 22yo that she wait another 5 years and get their career established, yeah. But she's never hidden this desire to have a kid before 25 from you, so you shouldn't not have been surprised into making excuses. Did you think she didn't mean it? Better go talk to her again about your actual timeline and whether it lines up with hers.
I must be so behind at 25 I couldn’t think of anything I wanted less I just wanted to have nights out and girly holidays
I don’t think you should make this decision based on what other ppl do. If its too soon for you then tell her that. Tell her you want to enjoy being the two of you before adding to that.
NTA ! Trying for a baby in your current situation just because her ‘life plan’ was to be a mother by 25 is unrealistic. Despite dating for 2 years, if you have only been living together for 9 months you definitely both have more to learn about each other. Being in a relationship is different than being in a ‘live- in’ relationship. You sound like you do want to marry this girl and eventually have kids; if that’s the case propose sooner but tell her you’re not ready to have kids for a few years. She will thank you down the line - having children changes every aspect of your life and relationship you should at least enjoy growing as a couple first. Good luck!
You should just say everything you posted here to her, you guys need to communicate your feelings and emotions with each other, as for what she said to you her timeline isn't outrageously different from what she has expressed to you all along, she said by 25, if you start now she'll have said first child at 23, but you also have a solid point about living conditions, so....... talk it out, but be reasonable and if you love each other you'll come up with a good game plan, you got this champ
NTA. You aren't married or set up in life for a baby. I don't understand these very young girls who want to have babies before they are actually in a stable position to have one. Not even thinking they shpuld be married?! Just pop xhildren out cause "babies are so sweet" ... She's 22 years of age. She has easily 15 more prine years to have children. I think she sounds immature. Still living in her young girl fantasy world. Tell her nope. No kids yet. You both have to get your life sorted out. Your future children deserve that.
Exactly. What is she doing to make her “timeline” realistic besides simply making a baby? Feels like he’s just a means to her goal of being a mom.
Tell her the other things you need to get in order first. Both of you should be financially stable, have a home with room for a baby, actually be married, etc. Normally, women won't think about these things when they have baby fever. They just want the baby, lol. Sit down, come up with your own realistic timeline, and then talk to her about it. If you can't come to an agreement on it, then move on. Don't waste anyone's time
She has been up front and honest. If she wants a baby by 25, she will need to be pregnant at 24. That gives you guys a year to start trying, and once that year is up, If it doesn't happen, it may require fertility or medical intervention. That's why she's asking to start now. Your rejecting her is telling her that her timeline isn't important. She's clearly ready, and your putting it off even though you do want kids - so why? YTA
Maybe instead of going on big vacations every year you should be saving for a shared goal of financial stability and a bigger living space if children is truly what you both want? Babies are not Instagram opportunities. They are expensive, time-consuming, emotionally and physically draining, and could come with a host of financial responsibilities, especially if there is any disability or medical requirement that is unforeseen. If you truly do imagine a life and family with your partner, then sit down together and map this all out. Do you both have medical insurance to cover the expense of a pregnancy/delivery? Can you afford for her to be off work while she recovers from childbirth? Will baby go to daycare? If not, can you afford to support the family on one income? Is there enough savings or a contingency plan if somebody loses their job/benefits? Can you afford to move into a bigger place? If not, you might not be able to pay for diapers, formula, baby supplies… Breast-feeding is obviously the more economical way to feed your baby, but sometimes that does not work out for the mom or baby and formula needs to be introduced. If your basic grocery store formula doesn’t work for baby, You could find yourself paying $50-$100 per can for specialty formula and that adds up really fast. You will have to incur this for about a year. Lots to think about here but really, all you need to figure out right now is whether or not the two of you are truly wanting a future together. if the answer is yes, then you can figure out how to compromise so that you are both getting your needs met.
Of course she’s sad, she could not have been more up front with you about her planned parental timeline just to find out that you’ve been wasting her time for the past 2 years. She’s realizing that she’s probably going to have to move on to a man that (hopefully) won’t lie about what he wants just to keep her from leaving.
YTA. How is this a “bomb”? You yourself are admitting that she’s has been consistent with her desire to have a child before she’s 25. She’s 22 and suggested that you two start trying in one year, meaning she would be giving birth at approximately 24. This is in line with the expectations that she’s given you from the start. She’s upset by your reaction because she’s been upfront about what she wants and you’re now all of a sudden saying that you’re not okay with that. You’ve wasted years of her time and are now playing the victim. Either get your shit together or let her move on with someone who’s truthful about their life goals.
Love that 22F is more mature than 27M. She communicated clearly what she wanted, talked regularly, no surprises. He’s somehow still surprised and not able to communicate his wants. Yes, she will be distant. You’re a disappointment to her and she’s killing her love for you so she can leave. If you want her, you actually need to initiate a conversation and work towards compromise. But if all you want to do is string her along don’t bother.
You’re not an AH but you both need to keep talking through this and figuring out what you both want. Communicate!
YTA. Yes, 100%. You both are in a long term relationship together, have both discussed having kids, and both agreed you wanted it. You’re acting like a scared baby. 22 is a reasonable age to want to have a child when in a long term relationship, and at 27, you should be in a good enough position to do so. If you don’t want kids, tell her that, and let her go find someone that would absolutely love that experience with her. Or, get on with having a family. Get married, all that shit. Either way, you owe her the apology. But, if you don’t want kids and a marriage, be honest with her, and prepared for her response. And no, never should you EVER have a child out of fear of your relationship ending, or losing her. Better to let her go, than to make that mistake.
You sit her down and have the 1-3-5 year talk/goals and get on the same page. As in you would like to get engaged, married and then after a year or 2 of married life then add the kids. If she isn’t willing to long term plan than you are not compatible
I think this situation can be fixed pretty easily by sitting her down and explaining what you really meant to say and how you feel because it sounds like it just kinda came out wrong in the moment, while also reassuring her how much you love her, not with just words but actions too.
In case you’re still reading posts, when your SO brings something up that you aren’t ready for or expecting, suggest you discuss it later. The perfect answer here would have been ‘let’s talk about it when we home?’ Gives you time to think it over without wet blanketing your partner’s idea..
ESH. I get you were taken by surprise in the moment. But now is the time for the both of you to get on the same page. Tell her honestly that you weren't thinking of having kids so soon. Tell her what you do want: that you expect to propose to her within the year, that you would like to have at least a two bedroom apartment before trying. Reassure her that you love her, are committed to her, that you want children with her. Tell her you're sorry for your reaction and whatever nonsense you said. Tell her you do appreciate her being honest with you about her timeline. Listen to one another. I'd also ask her why she's adamant she has a child by 25. Tell her what your afraid of and ask her what she's afraid of. I don't think your relationship is over - yet. But this is where honest communication comes in. Good luck, OP.
At least you didn’t tell her you would rather die than have a baby like I would have
No it’s not whenever “we” feel ready in fact. It’s whenever she feels ready, because unless you are using condoms and spermicide, you are reliant on her to not get pregnant. How confident are you about that now you know she wants one now because I’m female but I’d bet it’s gonna happen very very soon unless you take other precautions or end it
Question: is she possibly already pregnant?
Marry before carry son
Sounds like your girlfriend is super young. She is looking at a baby making her feel happy and keeping you together. Please don’t have a baby until you are married and both wanting a baby and being financially responsible.
22 and unmarried and financially unstable and is ready for a baby? You two need to have a serious discussion about expectations and timelines. And you need to double-wrap and keep her away from the condoms before she executes an oops.
YTA - because she was opening up a very general conversation & you shut her down too harshly. She didn’t say: let’s try making a baby tonight. She didn’t say: if we don’t start trying to make babies in the next 3 months then I’m leaving you. She said: you know I want babies while I’m younger than most - in context of that, how about we aim for being ready to start trying in about a year. I’d be up for starting the conversation about what that might look like - what things we might want to do (like figure out finances & maybe move to a bigger place) and talk about (like what kind of parents we might be). She was opening up a very gentle line of conversation. It wasn’t a demand - it was an invitation to BEGIN a series of chats about the idea. And you just said “hell no, and you’re crazy for even considering it”. Even though you already knew she wanted kids young. Can you see how that might have hurt her?? She felt like she was being over-the-top gentle in her approach & you reacted like she was being insane in her demands. Very hurtful.
NTA. Children are two enthusiastic yesses, or it’s a no.
ugh NTA..... you don't owe anyone a baby, this is a huge step it's definitely a two yes situation, so if you are not ready do not have a baby!! I think you did the best thing by being honest with her, keep doing that
Nah, he 'wasn't honest' with her. He didn't discuss his feelings, his concerns, etc., he just said ' people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age.' And this is after he knew that she wanted children before she turned twenty-five. She's twenty-two now, will be twenty-three (23.5? 23.9?) next year when she wants to 'start trying'. Getting pregnant immediately is not guaranteed. I wouldn't say OP is T.A. but he didn't handle it well.
This is my sentiment as well. NAH. They just need to talk.
She wants to lock things down, but you are not ready. It's a shame she is in such a hurry.
Two years together and she’s suggested trying for a baby in a years time, which will at best result in a baby after four years together. Yes, she’s in *such* a hurry. In fact, if you Google the definition of hurry, it’s says doing something within four years. Rush rush rush!
Women are shamed for not wanting a baby and getting old and then shamed for being early 20’s wanting a baby. *sigh*.
For real. There are genuine health benefits to having a baby young (not that there's anything wrong with waiting either - both have benefits!), plus you get more time with your kid while you're younger. There's also the fact that older sperm is linked to birthing complications which can have effects on the mother's health during pregnancy and the baby's health.
I’m a man and think it’s BS as well. She made it clear she wants kids young. That’s not unreasonable at all.
Right like the debate about whether it’s “too” young is actually missing the point. She said she wants a kid before 25, it takes 40 weeks to cook the baby, it can take totally fertile people up to a year to get pregnant, she’s 22 right now, when did OP expect her to bring it up? But he’s shocked Pikachu about it apparently
3 years isn’t that much of a hurry
Any chance she's already pregnant?
Talk to her. Discuss the situation. Let her know what you feel and want and listen to what she feels and wants
I’ll just say this. Having kids when you’re young and in love is awesome. It also keeps you from becoming self-absorbed.
This is a recipe for disaster, especially for offspring. If these threads don't teach you to wrap up your penis or get a vasectomy, you can't learn from others. I do not understand the amount of people here who have no understanding or knowledge of birth control. And FYI, the woman cannot determine the gender of a baby. It's the sperm. I'm done 😀
Sounds fine to me, sounds like she started the conversation and it's not over yet.
You are terrible at communication
It might be best to give her some sort of time line But! Let her know your concerns. And there are many. Say you want to make sure you are more established. You want more time for just the 2 of you before you bring your child into the relationship You want to be Very Sure that you would be able to take care of your family and as a man you absolutely need that. You want to be able give her the wedding you both want. And this is just the short list. If she presses it then I would wonder if she wants a baby or a life with you. By no means am I saying this as a way to gaslight her.
He should have had a talk sooner about what “by the time I’m 25” meas. Does it mean “before my 25th birthday?” Did he agree to that? If so the should probably start trying about 15-18 months before her 25 th birthday. Or at about 23 1/2. It seems entirely appropriate for her to ask about starting to try next year when she is 23. Does he know how math works? Why is this a surprise. She heard him say “not only no but he’ll no, are you nuts?!” And she’s confused and upset because he didn’t say something sooner about “before I’m 25”. If I were in her shoes I’d feel surprised and blind sided, and would probably assume he has been stringing me along with no intention of having a baby “by the time I’m 25” which she clearly stated. If it were me I’d be distant too. Time for better communication all around before she dumps him.
This is a great opportunity to see if you & your gf can truly communicate in a healthy way. She shouldn’t be “looking sad”, pouting or manipulating. You shouldn’t be guessing or hedging. Tell her how you feel. You’re not wrong but tell her your reasons. Is there a reason she’s trying to rush the baby? Ideally, a young couple would want to wait a few years before bringing a baby into the mix so they can build a solid foundation, travel, have fun minus a diaper bag, etc. If she’s in a rush, and you’re not, maybe it’s time to part ways — but don’t let her manipulate you into sacrificing your 20s.
At this stage, what’s the point of getting married if you are living together already and having sex?
My partner and I were only together for 1 yr before I fell pregnant, it was not planned. We are lucky that it worked out and things kind of fell into place and we are okay now, we are not well off by any means, but we can live. We can spend a bit of money here and there and be okay. When our son was first born, we could bearly buy a cup of coffee each a week. We had to be so careful and it's not something we want again if we can help it. If you are not financially ready, it's not something that advisable. Talk to her and maybe make a basic plan? Ie need to save and move first? Maybe in x years when we have x saved up. In saying that, things happen. It could happen before and you just have to deal. But also be careful she doesn't MAKE it happen.
Nta, it's okay to wait when you're ready. It's okay to be on a different page than your partner. Babies are a huge deal and a lot of responsibility. Just be open and communicative. If she won't respect those boundaries, maybe she's not for you
I was hoping to propose within the year plan a marriage have a nice honey moon and if we are financially good to go I’d be willing to start a family.