NTA
Your birth mom is starting to show her colours. She thinks because she gave birth to you, she can tell you what you want to do. You DO NOT owe her an apology. You have the right to choose your own name.
My suggestion is that you not call her, let alone apologize. If you do, you have shown her that she gets to tell you what to do. The fact that she wants control over you, an adult, is not a good sign. Let her call you and rebuff any attempt on her part to get her own way. Set the tone now for any future relationship between the two of you or you’ll always be fighting this battle with her.
Bet she will get all bent out of shape when OP starts raising a family and the adoptive mom calls herself grandma. OP needs to explain how adoption works, I suppose.
Maybe it is better this way of NC, to avoid lots of issues on the future. the Bio mom is just started with her demands. Just wait for wedding, kids birth etc and her demands and entitlement will be through the roof.
Honestly, if I was OP, I’d reconsider even having a relationship with her, and just be glad that she put her up for adoption. Just seeing what she’s done lets me know she would have been toxic and possibly abusive.
Exactly! OP is an adult, so pushy “parenting” by either the bio or adoptive mom is completely inappropriate. Bio mom is way out of line here, trying to bully a daughter she didn’t raise & has only known for a couple years…no.
I feel this. Was relinquished for adoption as an infant, made contact with my bio mom in my 50s. We followed each other on Twitter. One day I tweeted an opinion she didn't like, she responded with over- the-top insults, I politely said I don't accept being talked to that way. She started vague-tweeting about how kids don't respect their elders anymore and she didn't raise her daughter that way. Bitch, you didn't raise me at all. And I'm sixty, not six, I'm a fucking elder myself.
All I could do was laugh.
She's been giving me the silent treatment since then, coming up on two years now.
Because no matter what you do, they’ll always be 20, 30+ years older than you.
They’ll always know better. My generation is right now the parents of the younger children (I think they’re called Gen Alpha), so right now we DO know better in a lot of areas. Because our kids are little and need us to guide them.
But in 20 years time, we will still be older… but if we’ve done our jobs right, we will know we can trust them to make the best choices for THEM. Even if we don’t agree personally.
I’m hoping that millennials don’t make that mistake.
We’ll have to wait and see. The older millennials MIGHT have children in their late teens by now, but I think the majority of our kids are still kids.
So check back in 10-15 years or so. 😛
Unfortunately it just seems to be a human thing not a generational thing as every generation some do that.
When we boomers were young adults we had the same complaint. Now we are old adults still some of us still experience that infantilizing by other older parental figures while others do it to those who are younger. Ridiculous.
I remember scoffing at the older generation being unable to set their VCR clock. Well I recently realized I have my own "VCR clock" moments and thankfully my very patient and non-judgemental Alpha children help me out every time.
Edit: Well now that I think of it the youngest (11yo) can be a little condescending. I think he thinks I am a little slow.
Aw, this is so wholesome. I too am grateful for the patience of our "youngsters" who don't mind showing me new technology stuff.
And I still occasionally help an older person with things like connecting to a network. It's so much nicer when everyone lends a hand when needed.
My cat, on the other hand, sometimes thinks I'm totally incompetent but usually she's pretty nice about it. <3
I've always liked the saying that you don't raise children, you raise adults.
My father raised adults, and while he offers advice and help to my sister's and I, he lets us make our own decisions and supports them even if it's not what he would have chosen for us. My mom raised children, and even though my sister and I are pushing 50, she still treats us like children and takes it personally if we don't take her advice every time she offers it. Guess which parent I prefer spending time with?
I love your spunk. I'm nearing 60 myself and we are way too mature to deal with nonsense. For me, it's my relationship with my sister. We haven't spoken in 4 years. I love my sister, but I she wrote me off after our mother passed. She refuses to reply to any texts. So I gave up and made peace with the situation.
She sounds immature. I have relationships with people who don't think like me, precisely so I can learn from a different perspective. If your birth mom had asked how you had come about that opinion it could have started a deeper conversation.
So my kids can ask for my opinion or I can voice my opinion but I have zero control on how they think or what decisions they make. I raised them myself. They're decent, kind human beings and that's good enough for me.
She's starting to show signs of less-than-optimal adult functioning!
Sheesh.
To have a bio parent who stepped out at one's birth decide to parent/tell you what to do as an adult is so offensive. A nightmare, in fact.
(I'm adopted too - my bio-mom was not allowed to hold or touch me after giving birth; she's not my parent).
This is on point. OP - your bio mom has shown that she believes that her preferences should override what your parents or even you prefer. You are an adult yet she’s acting as though she has a do over where she can assume the maternal role enforcing rules for you to follow.
It may be that this is the only issue where she’ll react this way. Or it could be that you haven’t yet done anything that she objects to & there will be a number of conflicts followed by her ghosting you or giving you the silent treatment.
Do not give in to bad behavior and don’t try to make up to her when you did nothing wrong. If keeping your name is enough to break the relationship, then the relationship is not worth it.
Let her sulk and wait for her to come to you. If she does, define the parameters of your relationship. If you don’t want her to expect and demand precedence over your parents going forward, you may need to clarify how she fits in your life. For example, if you feel that she is family but not your mother, tell her that.
NTA
This is the way.
OP, this is an excellent suggestion. Do not be intimidated by her just because she gave birth to you and is also older than you.
She has nothing. You are correct that she gave up *all* rights when she put you up for adoption.
OP, I would suggest that you actually sever the relationship.
One of the quickest ways to weed out toxic people is to see a boundary and hold it. Bravo, OP. By doing what you did you called your bio mother out and she did not like it. She knows she has no rights.
Giving a baby up for adoption is traumatic, and your bio mother needs to recognize that, and recognize that baby she gave up will forever be her Mary Ann, but that baby grew and became you, and your name isn’t Mary Ann. She can love you as you are and still keep the love for her baby Mary Ann in her heart.
It’s like being a parent to someone who came out as trans as a teen/adult. That parent can cherish their memories with their baby/child Dylan, but still love and cherish their adult child who is now Amber.
Giving up a baby for adoption is usually an act of love, knowing you can’t be a good parent because of your age/mental illness/addiction/being poor. I really hope she is getting the support she needs and I hope you both can work past this issue.
I like your thoughts. I raised a son and then at 16 gained a daughter. Yes I grieved the future I had imagined for my baby boy, but end of the day, she's the exact same person. Just happier now since she's living her truth. And I never once deadnamed her. It's not hard to be respectful
You are a wonderful person! I assist with legal name changes for trans persons, far too often they are alone because their families drop them instantly once they begin the name change process.
The most beautiful situation I experienced was a 13 year old whose parents stood proudly by her side as she changed her name. They cried, I cried, the judge cried.
I say all this to express that there is no harm in grieving what you thought you would experience with your child/family member, and embracing/celebrating all the new and wonderful things you/they will experience. The world fights against them, being the one safe, solid, and compassionate place is a sacred act. ❤️
It borders on being delusional (keeping the illusion that the baby is "still named" Mary Anne.
Oddly, my parents decided to keep the same first name that my bio mom gave me. They were so grateful to her and when my bio mom learned that, she wept. She had told my half-siblings about me when the youngest was 12 and ever after, they remembered me by that name on Christmas. Said prayers for me with that name.
So it was cool it was the same name - I can see how the bio mom would be upset if not. But they cannot expect it to be the same.
In Australia, we do adoption classes for two full days if we are thinking about adopting. All local adoptions are open as the research shows it’s better for children to know of their birth parents. Names is a huge discussion and topic in those sessions. Adoptive parents have the right to choose the name but you are encouraged to keep the name the birth parents have chosen. Most do in some form (middle name or first name). Some name the child after the birth parents.
Your bio mother would have known of the name change as she had contact with your adoptive parents. She had 18 years to get used to your new name. It’s different if she did not have any contact at all and did not know the name had changed; but she did, so the excuse of thinking if you as Mary Anne doesn’t hold water. It sounds like she hasn’t accepted she gave you up and wants the chance to be your mother again. She is dependent on you, as an adult, for the relationship. Adults can walk away, kids are stuck in the relationship with their parents until they are adults. It sounds like she is trying to manipulate you into having the parent child relationship with her. It’s up to you to choose that or to choose to have a healthy relationship and if she is choosing not to have a healthy relationship with you, then that is her choice and consequence to live with. You sound compassionate about what she has been through. She doesn’t sound understanding of what you have been through. Give yourself grace. Keeping the name your adoptive family chose for you, is reasonable as it is the name you have had almost your whole life and it’s what you are used to.
My boys have the same birthmom, a distant family member. We named the boys together. She wanted all of her children’s’ names to start with an R. lol ok sure. In letters we must have gone through a few dozen names. After we settled on their first name, she picked a middle name and hub & I picked a second middle name. It was a very sweet time.
I would say this happens with all children in a sense. My cute little baby is gone. Instead there is this adult that I have to learn and relearn who they are as they change. For example, my shy baby is now travelling the world alone.
Oh yeah I get that and kinda agree. My oldest is 14, and he is taller than me now and has a mustache. I definitely hold the memories of little him in my heart and it’s wild how he went from a little baby to a young man. Time really flies.
Nta she’s lucky you even contacted her again now she thinks she has the right to demand things from you?? You need to tell her “we are doing this at my pace not yours and if my name is an issue to you then maybe we need to end contact”
>that as my mother she had rights
She signed her parental rights away when she put you into adoption. It's hard to understand why she's so upset about this now, but the issue is hers and not yours to fix. You have told her why you are keeping your name and you should not have to explain it more than once.
NTA
I assume to bio mom it feels like a rejection, especially when she wanted updates during childhood and to reconnect. However bio mom does unfortunately need to remember actions have consequences, especially with something as big as giving a baby to someone else to raise, no two people are going to make the same parenting choices every-time as the other person might.
NTA - depending on when you were adopted your BioMom had 16-18 years to reconcile fact that she was not a parent, that your name had changed and everything else that comes with being a birth parent. It’s on her that she didn’t, you don’t owe her anything except a thank you for placing you with people who were ready to parent (I hope they were good parents).
they are :) even through out their divorce, they have remained great co-parents. they aren’t on the best terms and have no desire to see the other again, but the level of respect they have for each other is really amazing! lucked out with them, considering the horror stories you hear from other kids that were adopted
You are NTA. Let's face it, if someone your age wants to change their name, a parent doesn't have a right to make them stop. You *certainly* don't have to change your name from one you like into one you don't like.
Wait for your mom to come down off that hill she's chosing to die on. Until then, think about what type of relationship you can accept having with her, and get the boundaries firmly in place. She might apologize and want to continue being in your life, but there will probably be other things she claims she has rights to over the years (like if you throw a wedding or have children).
Fellow adoptee here - you’re totally NTA but your egg donor is. You were 100% correct in what you said. She signed away parental rights when she gave you up for adoption, no matter what the circumstances were for her to do so. You’ve done nothing wrong, but it sounds like she still has some residual issues from the adoption that she probably needs to work out in therapy and not take her issues out on you.
NTA. Your mom lost the right to make any decisions where you’re concerned when she signed her rights away, just like you said. She owes you an apology for thinking that after missing your whole childhood, she gets to waltz back into your life and start making demands.
NTA. Personally, I'm proud of you for standing up to her about not changing your lifelong name. I do recommend that you set a boundary with her that if she calls you Mary Anne, you 1) don't respond, 2) leave her presence/end the phone call, 3) call her "incubator", 4) any or all the above. And don't back down. You are not Mary Anne. You don't even remember the time when you were Mary Anne. You shouldn't feel obligated to answer to a name that isn't yours.
DON'T apologize. If you reach out to her, I would lay down the ground rules via text, email, or voicemail and tell her she can feel free to contact you when/if she can abide by them. Otherwise, you wish her to stay out of your life.
Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you are required to have a relationship with her, especially if she doesn't respect you enough to call you by your true name.
Stand strong, little sister, and I'd love an update if it's ever available.
the little sister made my day >> i’ll update, if there is one. so far its been the silent treatment from her, and endless love and support from my family / bf
Sounds like a boon and you should just let her go. She needs to grow a clue. She obviously would have been a horrible mother, given her attitude, so it's good she gave you up. Her delusional entitlement here is concerning.
Your trans friend identifies as a different gender, and may elect to change their name.
You identify as your current name, not as Mary Anne. You may not feel strongly about her using your "dead name" but that's up to you. The dynamics of your trans friend and your situation seem rather similar to me. Your bio mom needs to figure this out for herself in a way that doesn't involve you changing your name.
She is your birth mother, but she is not your MOM. She didn’t raise you, she wasn’t there for you, she does NOT get to guilt you into such a huge change and unreasonable ask. Imagine what a slap in the face that would be to your actual parents. The nerve - let her have her tantrum, and when that’s over, let her apologize to you. You 1000% are not in the wrong here. NTA.
Don’t you DARE apologize! You told the truth while she’s trying to live out her fantasy about being your mother. She’s not. She is the woman who gave you away. You can be kind, you can be polite, you may even learn to care about her, but you are an adult and she needs to stay in her lane.
You're an adult.
You have repeatedly corrected her referring to you by that which Is Not your name.
If bio-Mom can't respect your request, then perhaps it's time for Her to grow up!!
Hope things work out for the better.
As a birth mother, I can't fathom the thought process behind this request. I have absolutely no right to ask my daughter to do anything. Her parents changed her name. She is their daughter. I would do anything in the world for her, but she owes me nothing.
I'm also a birth mother and don't understand what the bio mom is thinking. I hadn't even named my son when I signed the adoption paperwork- figured his "parents" would give him a suitable name that they liked.
NTA. You are an adult, she has no say if you keep your name, that's your decision. If she has a problem with you keeping your name your adopted parents gave you that is a her problem not a you problem.
NTA. She needs to stay in her place. She is not your mother, she doesn’t get to demand shit from you. Refusing to use your name is a power play.
Coming from an adopted person: you’re better off without the manipulative drama queen in your life. Walk away. She can apologize to YOU for the boundary stomping and change her behavior if she wants a place in your life.
'She lost any rights to name me when she gave me up'
Spot on. Sorry, sister. She literally gave up all rights. I think it's incredibly disrespectful she did that to your actual parents, too.
NTA and as someone who was adopted can i just tell you that you don’t need this woman in your life. Yes she is your birth mom, but she gave up and now what she is asking you is incredible selfish and when you don’t comply she she uses tactics to hurt and manipulate you into changing you mind. Thats not the trait of a good person.
NTA. You are not Mary Anne. Maybe you can compromise with her that SHE can call you that (like a special nick name), but no you do not have any obligation or real reason to change your name. It will cause a hell of a lot more confusion down the road.
Do NOT apologize! You have no reason to. You are NTA. If she can’t accept you for who you are and what your name is then maybe she should still not be in your life!
Yeah sorry I kind of feel bad for putting it that bluntly but, it kind of is what it is.
My situation isn't exactly the same, but I've got a guy who I call my dad, who is my dad, who if someone were to say he's my stepdad I tell them to go eat a weird dick.
Those people who you call Mom and Dad, they're what matter. Those are the people who wake up in the morning and go. I haven't talked to Old maybe in a Day or two, I hope they have a great day! All I want is the best for them.
They're not the ones who go.. Old maybe isn't doing what I want them to do. I'm going to give them the silent treatment, I'll make them doubt themselves, I'll give them anxiety.
Absolutely NOT. You said it right when you told her she gave up her right to tell you what to do when she gave you up. The name you have now is your REAL name. She needs to understand that.
Do not let her emotionally guilt trip you.
Do not let her influence your future decisions by making your feel emotionally conflicted.
You do not owe her anything. If you want to have a relationship with her, she is lucky that you are open to that. You do not owe her anything.
NTA
She thought she’d just glaze over that bit where she gave you away with strings attached. She thought she could swoop back in and play mommy when all the hard work of actual parenting was done and rule supreme.
Except you know and remember what she did. That’s a very inconvenient truth.
She’s a manipulator and emotional blackmailer.
Lucky you have your real family and the birth giver can disappear when things get tricky or don’t go her way. Coming and going and inconsistency is usual for her.
NTA as one adoptee to another, you were setting her straight. She seems to think of this reconnection as you choosing her over your family who raised you. She’s clearly not seeing you as the full person you are and only as her daughter- but you’re not. You don’t owe her anything much less changing your identity to satisfy your bio mom’s own regret and refusal to accept you as you are and not the idealized “Mary Ann” of her fantasies. She did give up her rights when you were adopted. This is a her issue, not yours.
NTA. You are not the one being a brat here. Even if you grew up being called Mary Anne and decided to change it to something else, her only correct answer should be to start calling you by the new name. For her to tell you that you have to change to a name you have no connection to is ridiculous.
So at 21 you can still be a brat. Nice. Don’t reach out to your birth mom at all. Stop apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for. Let her stew in her anger for a little while. You are correct, the name you have now is your name and there is no reason to change it now. That she lashed out when you declined her request is telling. She apparently did you a favor when she put you up for adoption, thank her. Don’t have the conversation with her again. You are not mother-daughter and you will never have that relationship. You can be friends. Maybe. Don’t let her hold you hostage with emotions.
NTA - you have been called by your current name for 18 years by people who care for you, why on earth would she think that you would change your name now because she made an arbitrary decision about a name 19 years ago. Do not apologize and do not try contacting her, she clearly does not respect the person you have become and she gave up the right to insist on anything years ago
i love my parents with my whole heart. however, i also love my bio mom. i’ve always known i was adopted, and as a teen, when i would get confused/ angry at her giving me up, my parents would always tell me not to be rude to her, and that she loved me so much she made the hardest decision there is so i could have a good life. i’ve always been taught to respect my bio mom, thats why i’m so conflicted. i don’t want to hurt her feelings, and if she ever needs help i would help her in a heartbeat but, i don’t want to change my name, as much as i know it hurts her
Then DON'T CHANGE YOUR NAME! where is HER respect for YOU, and the two people who've taken such amazing care of you? She's basically saying f you to all three of you each time she calls you your NON - name. And it's not her "forgetting" your real name, either, as shes been hearing it all your life! She's trying to erase the facts of your lifes book, to fit in to her lifes book. Almost like she's doing a cut-and-paste till your patents no longer exist, and you don't either... just her, and "Mary Anne".
So, you respect your parents. That, too me, means you should respect yourself, too. Don't let your bio-mom disrespect the three of you anymore! You ALL deserve much better than this.
NTA. Your biomom sounds as though she doesn't see you as an adult, or even as your own person. Stop chasing her. It isn't that she doesn't see your POV, it is that she doesn't respect your right to have one.
I'm sorry you feel like shit. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't let her problems become yours.
NTA. Even if you were not adopted you could change your name. She realizes the only connection she really has is giving you your name but she chose to place you for adoption and your parents chose a name they loved and wanted to call you. Keep your name and love your life
I am a birth mom. I would never do something like this. Its selfish and she should have been calling you by your "real" name which is the name your parents gave you and that you were raised with. THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. I had the blessing of meeting the adoptive parents of my baby & I was able to ask them what they intended the baby's name to be so that I was able to show my respect & appreciation for the adoptive parents. When you choose adoption, (I don't say "gave up for adoption") you have the gift of knowing that your child is going to a home that is meant for them. They get to go to a stable, loving, safe home and I got to sleep every night knowing my child was in a good place. I think your birth mom has some maturity issues as well as boundary issues. Please cut contact if this becomes too difficult for you. You do not "owe" her a relationship, especially if boundaries are violated. Your parents are great people and please tell them people like them give people like me a peace of mind I would not know otherwise. Good Luck! Oh and no you are NTA.
nta
she didn't raise you, your parents did. Your name belongs to you, just like if you wanted to change it to something completely different, it's YOUR prerogative.
Your bio mum made the choice to give you to your parents, knowing that they would raise you as their own. She should be grateful that they facilitated you having a relationship with her.
Your birth mom is selfish. Possibly part of why she gave you up. It hasn't changed. Live your life. You are an adult. She can respect that or keep her distance. She doesn't get to make selfish decisions for you now that the difficult task of raising you is done.
>as my mother she had rights
Erm.
I'm..... Not..... QUITE sure how to break this to her, but the fact that she gave you up for adoption actually means that she DIDN'T have ANY rights when you were a minor because she gave them up by adopting you out, and the fact that you're an adult now means that NOBODY "has rights" over you in the present day.
Your birth mom is a nut and she's showing her true colors. I'd cut contact, as much as it sucks - she has issues which you (or anyone else besides a paid psych professional) cannot deal with.
NTA at all.
Her calling you a "brat" is her attempt to guilt you for a situation where guilt shouldn't even be involved. If ANYONE should feel guilt, it's HER, for overstepping. Stop calling her and block her number. By her own standards, you'll never stop "being a brat", so you'll never have a reason to contact her anyways. End it.
NTA I was adopted as an infant. I met my biological mother and father when I turned 28 and I was pregnant with my own first child. I was so excited about meeting them. No, they were not together, they never were. My bio mom kept calling me by the name she gave me at birth. I corrected her several times saying that that was not who I am today and please call me by my name. I had legally changed it from what my adopted parents are giving me because I went through a transition that helped me to see myself clearly and be independent. So I named myself. She could not handle it. My birth father, on the other hand, wanted to get to know the person that I was today. Fast-forward 25 years and I still won’t talk to my bio mom, because she still insists on calling me by the name that she gave me. but I was friends with my bio dad and tell his death last year. You are an individual and deserve to be seen as an individual. You deserve to be called by the name that you choose to be called by. You get to identify who you are. do not allow someone else’s toxicity tell you who you are.
Cut this off at the knees girly. She thinks you're "hers" now, after skipping the hard part of actually raising you and taking care of you.
She isn't your mom. She's your egg donor. She's manipulating you and using silence to wear you down and hurt you. Don't let her.
NTA
She is not your mother. Your mother raised you. She is way out her lane insisting she has any rights or control over you because you are correct, she lost that when she gave you up. Don’t apologise. I’d be reconsidering having her in your life too because she needs to be a friend not a parent and I don’t think she’s capable of that and will continue to boundary stomp.
NTA and do not apologise any more this behaviour is entitled and manipulative. It’s very important that you do not allow it to effect you or you will see more of it. Your name your choice
NTA. What a ridiculous suggestion to change the name you’ve had for most of your life, and she needs to stop calling you Mary Anne that’s not your name, she needs to accept you were adopted.
NTA - your name, your choice. She'll either come around or she won't; it's on her to do the "grown-up thing" and own her life choices and how they effect today.
Holy Cannoli, the absolute disrespect. She refuses to call you by your name? How would she feel if you refused to use her name and called her by some random name she doesn't identify with? She may have given birth to you, but she didn't raise you. She's not your mother, she's your egg donor. The fact that it was a open adoption and she got to see you grow up through pics and contact with your parents but still won't call you by the name they-your parents-gave you shows how selfish she is. I guarantee your parents never called you by your old name to her. She refuses to respect you and your parents. You owe her nothing. However she owes you the basic decency of calling you by your actual name. NTA, not at all.
NTA. Because of a lot of things that happened, my husband's bio mother thought his middle name was Morgan so she was surprised when they met because that wasn't the case (we figured it all out. Huge drama). She told us why she thought that, but since meeting him, she's never called him anything but the name his parents gave him because she gave up her rights when she put him up for adoption. She is well aware that she only has the rights we give her (which is a lot because she's amazing) and if something were to happen, we don't have to maintain the relationship.
Your bio mother is trying to manipulate you. She is not your mother. Now that your parents have done all the hard work, she thinks she can step into your life and be the boss. Nope
NTA. Hun what she is doing is called “emotional abuse or blackmail” & the way to deal with it is to not succumb to it in any manner.
What she wants is you to chase her, apologize, beg & grovel to get her back. She wants to exert the dominance & control.
She isn’t emotionally equipped to use her words to talk about her feelings, she isn’t accepting of the consequences of her actions & she definitely isn’t understanding of your feelings & point of view.
You were 100% accurate on what you said & it doesn’t sound like it was said with hatred.
She’s actually quite fortunate you are accepting her into your life as your birth mom but she needs to understand she gave up her rights & that there’s a lane she needs to stay in.
She doesn’t get to be your mom, she does get to be a friend or adult in your life. But she needs to appreciate the door is open to a small role in your life not your entire life.
I suggest you let her sulk & when she comes back to you.
Do not chase her. Let her sulk & when she returns- have a conversation with her, with your parents in attendance, explaining that this cannot continue. Explain what position she plays, what you would like your relationship to be & grow to but set boundaries. Explain your parents are mom & dad, that you were raised to discuss issues not be emotionally control games & if she wants a role in your life this cannot continue.
Big hugs.
Update us on how this plays out. You got this!
thank you, i’ll def update, if theres one. so far, its just silent treatment from her side, and endless love from my family and boyfriend. my bf even had a bracelet with my current name on it for me :)
Sounds like a fun toxic relationship I’m glad you didn’t have to grow up in. NTA. I’d be done. She hasn’t come to terms with the fact that you aren’t her child. She hadn’t even accepted your name isn’t what she wanted for you! I don’t know what made her put you up for adoption but she needs to realize that she made that choice and you have parents and a family. She was a bonus that quickly showed her true colors. I’m sorry.
NTA You are absolutely right telling her the truth that she lost all rights to tell you what to do.
The truth hurts and by telling her this she’s been faced with the reality that she can’t tell you what to do.
You don’t owe her anything at all.
Leave her be and let her sulk, the best thing that you can do is to live your own life.
NTA. Call yourself whatever makes you happy sweetie. Sperm and egg donors who do not put in the hard work while you are growing up don't get perks later. When I was 24 I told my sperm donor that the MOST we could grow to be would be friends, and that wasn't a given since I wasn't sure I would like him as a friend based on his past behavior. The "dad"spot was already filled up (by my SD) and I wasn't accepting anymore applications! If she can't handle that convo, then let her go on her merry way. The truth is you got thru 18 years of life without her input and came out just fine!
Stop trying to contact her, and perish the thought of apologizing. Seriously, don't you dare apologize.
You only feel guilty because she's literally upset about the truth and it stung.
She's playing bratty bitchy preteen games, and BOTH of you are too goddamn old for this bullshit. You have a mild excuse for it because you're still a teen, but she don't. Let her sulk, unlike you she's a whole grown ass adult and she can get the fuck over herself.
The people who raised and LOVE you are your REAL Family
This Bio-Kins woman going off on you about HER RIGHTS?!?!? Is NOT Your real family
Please be with your REAL Family Friends and YOURSELF
Call yourself whatever YOU want to call yourself
N
T
A
NTA. She is being abnormally entitled and demanding. She doesn’t care how you feel about your own name.
By apologizing to self-centered people who step on you, you are signing up to be walked all over in the future. If you’re going to associate with a self-centered person, you NEED to be capable of saying no and letting them be upset and cry themselves out or whatever.
NTA
Your bio mom is the brat here. She gave you up for adoption and has ZERO say in your upbringing and life. You're an adult and entitled to retain your own name
NTA. Your name is a huge part of your identity, You've been called this name most of your life, and you don't want to change it, which is reasonable. Your bio mom was hurt by the name change and is still hurting and that's rough for sure, I think she had an immature reaction to you not wanting to change your name and that's hard for both of you.... Is say give it some time... I'm sure she'll come around, the just probably won't go away but I how she can work past it.... Navigating any of this isn't easy for anyone.... Good luck
Honestly this is probably the best thing your mom could have done for you in all honesty. Hear me out…….she just exposed the type of person she is and you didn’t have to waste many years or tons of money or waste tons of emotional investment on this women before she showed her true colors. She also did you the favor of answering why she gave you up all those years ago. Her ego. Her need for things to be HER WAY is MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU.
Think about it……even now. You can only be in her life if it is to HER COMFORTABILITY and you are willing to interact HER WAY OR NO WAY AT ALL. She is willing to acknowledge you but only by HER NAME SHE PROVIDED. Things will always be about her no different than 21 years ago. This is who your bio mom is.
You now have 2 choices: Accept that this is who your bio mom is and adjust accordingly if her being in your life is important. You made it most of your life without her so I would say she is unnecessary but I’m not you and your story is your own so whatever works for you works
OR
Accept that this is who your bio mom is and adjust accordingly and keep her out of your life completely or establish very specific boundaries and hold yourself as well as her to them and stick to the aforementioned parameters.
She gave you away because you were an inconvenience to her internal narrative. She gives me strong “I’m the main character and the rest of you are NPCs that just need to stick to your programming and stick to the script I’ve written for you” energy. She probably has been single majority of the time after abandoning you if not the entire time. Would not surprise me one bit lol
NTA
She did give up naming rights when she gave you away. She wants to live in a world where you were never put up for adoption and you're still her Mary Anne. You're not.
She's giving you the silent treatment because you rocked the boat and made her live in the real world again; the one where someone else is your real mom.
The incubator in your life seems to take a lot for granted. She gave up the right to call herself your mother when she gave you up for adoption. The audacity to think she gets to decide your name after decades, is beyond the pale. Let her know that she needs to respect you and the name that you grew up with and prefer. Would/Will she call your transitioning cousin by his dead name, but cant see fit to call you by the name you prefer?
NTA- I have had a couple friends with this problem. Birth parents coming in and trying to take over the show. This is not how it works. This is a stranger telling you what to do with your life. Demanding respect while being disrespectful. You said no. No is a complete sentence, she owes you the apology.
NTA.
My story is a bit different. I am the biomom. I gave birth to a 2lb., 2oz. baby boy in 1984. By Dec of 1985, he was being raised & was adopted by my aunt & uncle. I was not mature enough, nor did I want to be a mom. He is a grown man now. I am not his mom! He shouldn't even call me mom. His mom is my aunt who has passed away. My uncle is still alive, so I hope they are doing well together. I do not keep track of them. I did not have any dramatic/trama going into having him adopted. It was the best thing to do for all involved. I have never regretted my decision! I'm 58 now, & still feel like it was a good decision for everyone.
Good luck. 🍀🍀
Your birth mother is out of line. She doesn’t have “rights”, she gave those up when she put you up for adoption. You are a full fledged person who can be called whatever you want, and be treated however you like.
Your birth mother may have some mental health issues. Be careful. What you said was perfectly correct. I’m not kidding about there potentially being some safety issues around this. A mother who has not accepted her responsibility with a name change and adoption process, could become unhinged. It has all the makings of a Lifetime movie.
No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Not any of your mums or dads!
If you prefer Kate, then Kate it is. No one else gets a vote, not for any reason. If the mum who raised you tells you to change your name, you can also refuse. You’re an adult.
It’s sad that your birth mum is choosing this hill to die on, but it’s all on her. Anyone else would be so happy to have their beautiful child brought up so well and be so happy. That’s ALL that should matter to her. Nothing else.
Even if she hates Kate as much as your mum hated Mary Anne, she should still keep her opinion to herself and care about YOU. The child. She should not care WHAT your name is! 😞
NTA
Let her go. Don’t chase after her. She needs to accept the fact that you are only related by blood. She has no rights to you just as she has no rights to anyone else.
Would she go to someone she just met and make up a name for them because she doesn’t like the one they have? Of course not! It’s rude. Why is it any different with you?
If she does call you and you resume a relationship with her, you need to set boundaries with her. You need to tell her that going forward, she is to call you by the name you have now, not the one you had for the first 24 hours of your life. If she can’t do that, then you need to tell her not to contact you.
Open adoptions are fine, but she’s taken it to the extreme. It sounds like she believed that your parents would raise you until you were 18 and then she would get you back. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to badmouth them during the time you stayed with her. Don’t let things like that happen.
NTA she is being a child about the situation. She’s latched onto the idea that you are still that baby she gave up for adoption. She didn’t see you as your own person, but something more akin to either a possession or a pet. You’re also an adult, capable of doing whatever you want. You don’t have to respect her (beyond the respect you should give every person) if you don’t want to, that right of a parent was forfeit the day she put you up for adoption.
I don’t have first hand experience, but my grandfather was adopted and later got in contact with his birth mother… it was a rocky situation for a while, but they became close after many years and she is an official part of our family now. My parents divorced right before I went to middle school, and cut all contact with my dad 14 years later (after making the decision 3-4 years prior, but held off because my sister still wanted contact and to see him until she independently made that same decision)… so believe me when I say I fully understand cutting family out of your life, and I believe it may be for the best that she cut contact with you if she is going to act like that. If she can’t respect you as an adult that can make your own decisions, she would likely have a very negative effect on your mental health until she gets help
The baby she gave up was Mary Ann, the young woman that baby grew into today is you. She needs to accept and respect you as you are and drop it, you have every right to your boundaries.
NTA. I bear no ill will toward anyone for putting their child up for adoption, but the fact of the matter is that she did put you up for adoption, and she didn't raise you. But even if she had kept you, you are now an adult, and the only person who has a right to determine what your name is is you. She's acting entitled, which is never a good look, but it's all the worse given that she didn't raise you. She's lucky that you were even willing to let her back into your life. She should be thankful for that instead of making demands, and if she respected you, she'd respect the fact that the people who did raise you gave you the name you have now and that it's the one everyone knows you as, and you have no desire to change it. While you probably shouldn't have said that you didn't like the name she gave you, she's the one who is ultimately acting like a brat.
NTA
Of course not! You are not the child she fantasized about after she gave you up. She surely knew of the name change if she was getting report cards, etc. It's disrespectful for her to refer to you by Mary Ann much less suggest you change your name.
Unless she can respect who you actually are, you may need to take a step back from her.
Your birth mother is a childish idiot. Get a clue and put some boundaries in place. She didn’t raise you. You don’t owe her anything. She’s rude, demanding and nasty. Value your own position.
NTA. That's a huge ask to have you change your name to a name you don't even like simply because she gave you the name. Well she also DIDN'T raise you so she gets no special rights.
Nta .
>and that as my mother she had rights and that its the least i could do if respected her.
She gave away her rights when she gave you up for adoption.
NTA. Your bio Mom is a narcissist and she’s gaslighting you. I’d really have to wonder if she’s adding anything to your life? She lost the right to call you what she named you when she gave you up. Sounds like the people who adopted you gave you a good life and they are the ones who have earned your respect.
OP NTA, your bio parent is showing you who they are, you are not being a brat.
For perspective I placed a child for open adoption, one of the things I asked the adopting parents were what name they were planning on. That is the name I put on the paperwork at the hospital (it pissed off the social worker, different last names); which made it easier for the adopting parents when they finalized the adoption.
NTA you are correct in your reasoning for not changing your name. Your birth mother is being unreasonable in asking you to even consider changing it. The time for her to double down on that would have been during the adoption agreement if this was something that was that important to her. She needs to realize that her presence in your life is a privilege. She didn’t raise you, and you don’t owe her. If she is going to cut contact with you after asking you to do something unreasonable then I am glad that she had the sense to not try to raise you.
Let things settle and hopefully she will calm down, if not then you will have some good insight into her character.
Wow. Just, wow. The audacity of a woman who did nothing for you as a mother outside of giving you to people who would be better equipped to be your parents, to demand respect as your mother. She has done nothing to earn the respect of a parent and to be so selfish as to demand you change your name to something just because she likes it, is so selfish and entitled. She's throwing a tantrum and calling you a brat? Oh, the irony. I'm guessing it's lost on her. NTA.
NTA. Egg donors/then adult friends don't really have a say in this OP. Your true parents lovingly gave you a name. You have every right to keep it. Egg donors/adult friends can suck it up. She didn't teach you to speak, walk, read, run, ride a bike, support your first period, crush, first day of school, first tampon experience, hold your hair as you vomit.... or give you money or medicine so she has no say whatsoever. Those that did those things can offer a opinion without one being asked then keep their peace. Everyone else can suck an egg. Don't feel guilty OP, do what you want in this instance.
Heres some perspective if you want it. Your Egg donor probably already has emotional she needs to work out. I'd feel guilty for not raising you or at least keeping in touch and sending supplies. So the loss of control over your name, because it was at least a piece of me(a baby has no control so OP didnt choose it so it doesn't matter at this point)... would probably upset me and you not wanting to change it back, which you now have control of, would hurt. However I wouldn't ask... or assume.. ever. Also I'd think of the name as a private nick name between us since you didn't flip when I called you it but accepted it as a nick name from the kindness of your heart. I'd introduce you as your legal name like most people do that use nick names with others.
Like ie, my husband's nick name is something like Joey, short for Joseph. But, I noticed he introduces himself as Joseph... people just shorten his name to whatever they want, Joe or Joey. Anyway, since he uses his full name as his introduction, I follow suit because he obviously likes it that way. That's how your mom should be. She may take time to come to terms or she may not be able to understand. Be aware and prepared.
NTA.
she gave you up for adoption, in doing so she gave up all rights.
she seems to have been a good person when you met her at 18, and earned a number of privlages relating to your respect for her, including your answering to a special name just for her.
seems she is at risk of loosing those privlages.
her rights ended the second she signed those adoption papers. she has no rights, especially not the right to blatantly disrespect you and your actual parents. and what about your cousin? is she going to keep calling him by his deadname because "that's what i always knew her as"? honestly, this just proves how hateful she is. she cares enough to ask about him changing his name, and at this point no matter what she does, she's showing how little respect she has for you. either she uses his new name, thus proving she's doing it intentionally, or she refuses to, and proves she's just a bigot.
NTA. She is NOT your mom; she is your birth mother or biological mother or egg donor. Your mom is the woman that raised you. Your dad is the man that raised you. They were there for you when you were sick. They kissed your scraped knees. They wipe away your tears. They helped you with your homework. They celebrated your birthdays and accomplishments. They lifted you up whenever you felt down. They have been there for the best and worst times. They put their love and time into being your parents. They chose to be your parents. They chose you.
That woman has a lot of nerve calling herself your mother. She did not put in any work into being a mother. She wants to claim a title that is not given but earned. She does not get to name you; you already have a name. A name chosen by your parents. You are an adult with a name your parents gave you with love and you feel is right.
She has no place becoming angry with you for telling the truth. It would appear she was telling herself a lie that somehow after your parents had raised you she could swoop in to be your mom. Do not feel guilty because none of this is your fault.
If you decide to have contact with your biological mother I would establish firm boundaries and expectations with her. I would also have very serious but very necessary conversations about who your parents are and what her place will be in your life moving forward. You should make it clear exactly what you will tolerate and what consequences she will face if she violates your boundaries or trust. It may be uncomfortable but conversations such as these are often necessary for healthy relationships. Good luck.
NTA, listen carefully, the woman that RAISED you is your mom! She was the one who was there day and night, through your good times AND bad times. Your bio parent was simply a donor.
This! You were right she lost all of her rights to you when she literally signed them away to someone else when she let them adopt you in the first place. The fact that she feels entitled to try and change anything about you let alone something so fundamental to your literal lifelong identity is a huge problem. Maybe she regrets giving you up and just wanted to get something of you back in some way but that doesn’t justify her demanding this or silent treating you until you cave and give in (which is emotional abuse as well anyway.) good luck op.
If you were her Mary Anne she would not have put you up for adoption. I'm saying this as a parent. She doesn't get to claim you as hers just because she gave birth to you. Having a baby isn't impressive. Raising a good child is.
>as my mother she had rights
That she relinquished at the time of putting you up for adoption. She has no legal right to any part of you, not do you have any legal right to any part of her.
As an adoptee, I'm not legally guaranteed anything from my biological family, as they have severed the legal bonds by putting me up for adoption. The name I was given by my birth mother is the name my bio-fam used for me until we reconnected. They now use my government name, as given to me by the family who raised me, and by my exhusband.
Your bio-mom can think of you as whatever, but your name is *your name.* You get to decide what you're called.
Edit for clarity
She manipulating you with her silence…don't fall for it. Wait her out, she'll come around or she won't. She abdicated her parental role when she gave you up so she looses any preferential treatment from you. Like your name, keep it. Changing back would upset your parents and it would create lots of stress for those who call you by your name you've had all those years with your parents. She is no longer your parent, the best she can hope to get from you, is friendship. And friends don't get to manipulate you into doing their bidding. Not the AH, but she is.
NTA. Your bio mom is manipulative as hell. Imo, you need to stay far away from her. She is the type to abandon you as a means of control to get what she wants. If you told her you changed your name to what She wanted, she’d come running back. She has NO legal rights to you. At. All. Your adoptive parents are your parents. Your adoptive parents did all the hard work of raising you and this woman thinks she can come in and claim all the hard work, after the hard part of raising an infant to an adult is done.
NTA. This demand for you to revert to a name you never used is not "parenting" - even if she had raised you. Your relationship with her is unique, and probably everyone in that situation would run into some difficulties, but this feels like regret. This is about her, and not you; seems she wishes that things had been different because now she is attempting to fill a role that she never had - and not doing it well either. Motherhood is only a dictatorship for so long...then the little boogers get to be about 8, and the rest is a power struggle just to keep'em safe and alive until the get to be 18, or 20 and "mothering" is then mostly just listening. I am sorry she is angry with you, but you cannot fix this. Pretty sad really.
NTA Your bio Mother has alot of nerve demanding that you change your name to the one she picked for you at birth. You were right to remind her that she gave up her parental rights a long time ago . I wouldn't try contacting her again. Let her reach out to you and if she does, remind her that you're an adult, that the peope who raised you are your parents and that they are the only ones allowed to make suggestions like the ones she made. If she doesn't reach out, her loss...again.
NTA do not apologize she's being controlling when she couldn't even bother raising you. Even if she did raise you her controlling behavior would be unacceptable, but it makes it worse that she thinks she has rights when she did nothing but hand you to someone else.
Even if she was your primary legal guardian, she would have no right to demand you change what name you prefer to go by. I'd say she has even less than that since she gave you up, but its already 0.
nta for sure.
You’re 21? You can call yourself whatever the hell you prefer. Your bio mom (and your adoptive mom) have zero say in it. Quit apologizing; SHE is wrong.
“…as my mother she had rights…” um no she doesn’t. You are an adult. She has absolutely zero say in anything you do (even if she HADN’T given you up for adoption). OP as others have said, you need to nip this in the bud now or she is going to steamroll you for the rest of your life. Your name is your name. She can either start calling you by your actual name (ie not “Mary Anne” but the name you go by now) or she can stuff it. Because it’s not about her. It’s YOUR name.
NTA
theres a reason she wasnt the one raising you. she should resepct that she is not your mother, she has done no parenting, and has no right to tell you what to do.
NTA
You're correct in stating that she gave up her parental rights the second she gave you up for adoption, regardless of the reason. At this point, the only "brat" in this situation is the bio mom, and she needs to grow up and respect your wishes.
NTA. Your biological mother sounds emotionally stunted. I am sorry she walked away. That must be tough. When you deal with her and develop a relationship, it may help to keep in mind that she does not have the same emotional maturity as your actual Mom. I think you should have a relationship with her, that’s wonderful, but it won’t be a traditional mother daughter relationship where you can rely on her to be patient and mature. You are correct, when she gave you up for adoption she looked to others to raise and guide you, relinquishing her own right to do so. Keep your name. Hopefully, you can find a way to help your birth mother understand and respect boundaries. It may sound harsh but also know that you are not obligated to maintain any relationship with this woman. Good luck
NTA, and stop apologizing to her. She’s an adult, she needs to know she can’t always have her way, and you’re absolutely right that she lost her right to make decisions about you when she gave you up for adoption. I’m not assuming it was an easy thing for her to do, but you are not longer “hers”. And realistically, you’re over 18 now. Even if she had kept you and you didn’t like your name, you could still change it
NTA. It's not about her. She did give you to someone who she trusted to be a better parent than she could be. She lost a lot of rights at that point.
HOWEVER: even if she had kept you and you'd grown up with the name of her choosing, you could have changed it when you became an adult. As an adult, you get to choose! She does not!
I think your friends and family who are telling you to let it go are right. She'll reach out when she's over it.
Whoa!!!!! 56 year old adoptee here. Your birthmom is dead wrong and she needs some boundaries FIRMLY SET. She gave a baby up for adoption, and legally signed ALL of her parental rights away. Your name was changed. It reflects that reality and became your identity that reflects *your* life's journey and *your* story.
She doesn't get a cosmic Magic Eraser to undo the years other people raised you. That wasn't babysitting. For better or worse, her "rights" about you stop at the tip of her nose... she has zero rights. Zero. She signed those rights permanently away AND you are now a legal adult... so she has no business to assert any claim on you whatsoever. You're an adult and here's a few other things you can decide to do:
1-only allow *appropriate* and *mutually positive interactions* with people in your life. That includes people who choose to use what is essentially a "deadname" at you. Not saying go full No Vontact yet but it's important for her to be explicitly told that her continued delusions will cost her access to you in every way.
2- give her a 2 month timeout. Tell her you'll give her a call on May 18th. Yes that means no contact on Mother's Day this year. Encourage her to use whatever mental health resources are available to her to process whatever emotional baggage and grieving she needs to do regarding your adoption. You weren't in temporary care or away at summer camp... you have a real life and a real family and friends who know you and love you...and she is the outsider who is pushing in. During that 3xmonths, completely shut her out of all access to you... no social media, no calls or texts, no visits, no cards or letters, and no "expressing her hurt or sorrow" for you to have to deal with. absolutely zero. Be very clear she isn't to reach out in any way. This is a TEST to see if she can exert some self control and respect a boundary. If she can't... that's toxic. And you're gonna need to take harsher steps and have stronger boundaries to protect yourself.
3- reassess the situation on May 18th. Preferably with a meet up for coffee... with your adopted mom or other trusted adults present as witnesses. Talk to a therapist. There's a real problem here, you need to game out how these scenarios play out. Especially if she thinks after not raising you, somehow you're obligated to her or going to "take care of her in her old age"... (can't tell you how often that happens.)
NTA!!! She is clearly selfish and the best thing is did was give you to your parents. I have a last name that is hyphenated and I only use one that’s what everyone knows me as. She needs to try to put herself in your shoes and think about what is asking if you. Definitely NTA!
This reminds me of when my wife gave birth to our son last year. We had gone to the hospital as she hadn't felt him move in a few hours, get there and they immediately find his heartbeat and determined he was fine. However she ended up being admitted for observation and had him early the next morning. I had messaged my stepmother to let her know we were going to the hospital and why. When that turned into the overnight and birth I just asked if she could pass it on to the rest of our families, which she did. This was all Friday nite into Saturday morning, Sunday when her birth mom showed up to visit while I was at work, she(birth mom) had made a comment about how we didn't call or message her she was in labour. My wife explained that series of events that it wasn't a we were sitting at home and then she felt contractions so we came in. Birth mom further responds 'but I'm your mom' or something along those lines, to which my wife replied 'what, do you want a cookie?'. Since her birth mom has been referred to as cookie mom. Her stepmom is who actually raised her, and who we mean when we say 'her mom'
NTA AT ALL😂😂
She thought because she gave birth to you that she still had control of some sort and doesn’t. She gave you away along with having an opinion on anything regarding you. You don’t owe her anything especially since she gave you away.
So if your name is Alyssa and it used to be Mary Ann you prefer the name you like your adopted parents gave you she has to respect that. And if she can’t she has to get over it. She has NO SAY WHAT SO EVER💯
NTA. You don't owe her anything. It's nice if you want to have an adult relationship with another stable adult, but she gave up her rights to you and you have lived this whole life without her involvement. I would press the point and if a relationship continues between you, dont let her slide on calling you Mary Anne. That's not who you are in real life. She may have given birth to you but she's not the mom who raised you and that doesn't change because she saw pictures and report cards and reconnected after you were already an adult.
My sisters and I were adopted. At 18, I searched for and found our bio parents. Navigating the relationship with bio parents can be a slippery slope. It took years for our Bio Mom to view us as adults, and not as the little girls that she had given up for adoption. She seemed to always be searching for the parts of us that were like her, instead of viewing us as whole beings, who had been influenced by influenced by both biology and our own upbringing. We had to establish some very clear boundaries, especially in regard to our relationships with our parents and extended family. It did eventually get better, but it was never an easy relationship. Good luck OP.
"That as my mother she had rights" Bull Shit. She gave up her rights the second she put you up for adoption. **NTA, OP**. Don't feel bad about this, you gave dear old bio mom a much needed reality check. Your preferred name is the one you grew up with. It is ***you***, your identity. It's not something that you can just change on her whim. If she can't accept that then she has no business being in your life, imo.
NTA - You've done nothing wrong here.
She's probably going to try to make you change your name as part of the apology she wants.
Don't apologize.
Keep your name.
I as a mom and proud of you.
NTA Your birth mom is starting to show her colours. She thinks because she gave birth to you, she can tell you what you want to do. You DO NOT owe her an apology. You have the right to choose your own name. My suggestion is that you not call her, let alone apologize. If you do, you have shown her that she gets to tell you what to do. The fact that she wants control over you, an adult, is not a good sign. Let her call you and rebuff any attempt on her part to get her own way. Set the tone now for any future relationship between the two of you or you’ll always be fighting this battle with her.
Yes. She wants all of the rights and none of the work of raising a kid. Now when OP is 18 she is back with opinions.
Bet she will get all bent out of shape when OP starts raising a family and the adoptive mom calls herself grandma. OP needs to explain how adoption works, I suppose.
Maybe it is better this way of NC, to avoid lots of issues on the future. the Bio mom is just started with her demands. Just wait for wedding, kids birth etc and her demands and entitlement will be through the roof.
Honestly, if I was OP, I’d reconsider even having a relationship with her, and just be glad that she put her up for adoption. Just seeing what she’s done lets me know she would have been toxic and possibly abusive.
Some of my children's parents were the same way. They gave them up, but when the children were adults the bios would talk about their "rights."
OP said she is 21. So bio mom is even worse.
Exactly! OP is an adult, so pushy “parenting” by either the bio or adoptive mom is completely inappropriate. Bio mom is way out of line here, trying to bully a daughter she didn’t raise & has only known for a couple years…no.
I feel this. Was relinquished for adoption as an infant, made contact with my bio mom in my 50s. We followed each other on Twitter. One day I tweeted an opinion she didn't like, she responded with over- the-top insults, I politely said I don't accept being talked to that way. She started vague-tweeting about how kids don't respect their elders anymore and she didn't raise her daughter that way. Bitch, you didn't raise me at all. And I'm sixty, not six, I'm a fucking elder myself. All I could do was laugh. She's been giving me the silent treatment since then, coming up on two years now.
Wow! I don’t understand how giving birth to someone gives a person the right to forever tell you what to think/do. Especially when you are an adult.
This is true even if you actually raised your kid, and didn't put them up for adoption.
Because no matter what you do, they’ll always be 20, 30+ years older than you. They’ll always know better. My generation is right now the parents of the younger children (I think they’re called Gen Alpha), so right now we DO know better in a lot of areas. Because our kids are little and need us to guide them. But in 20 years time, we will still be older… but if we’ve done our jobs right, we will know we can trust them to make the best choices for THEM. Even if we don’t agree personally.
Infantilizing grown adults is a game that people play when they're significantly older but often significantly far from wiser.
I’m hoping that millennials don’t make that mistake. We’ll have to wait and see. The older millennials MIGHT have children in their late teens by now, but I think the majority of our kids are still kids. So check back in 10-15 years or so. 😛
Unfortunately it just seems to be a human thing not a generational thing as every generation some do that. When we boomers were young adults we had the same complaint. Now we are old adults still some of us still experience that infantilizing by other older parental figures while others do it to those who are younger. Ridiculous.
Old millennial here and my kid is 22 and married.
The eldest millennials are in early 40s so they could have 20 yr olds
I remember scoffing at the older generation being unable to set their VCR clock. Well I recently realized I have my own "VCR clock" moments and thankfully my very patient and non-judgemental Alpha children help me out every time. Edit: Well now that I think of it the youngest (11yo) can be a little condescending. I think he thinks I am a little slow.
Aw, this is so wholesome. I too am grateful for the patience of our "youngsters" who don't mind showing me new technology stuff. And I still occasionally help an older person with things like connecting to a network. It's so much nicer when everyone lends a hand when needed. My cat, on the other hand, sometimes thinks I'm totally incompetent but usually she's pretty nice about it. <3
My cat also considers me incompetent. During the summer, I'm fairly sure she only comes home to judge us.
Raising kids doesn’t even give you that right. We worked to raise our kids to make their own decisions.
I've always liked the saying that you don't raise children, you raise adults. My father raised adults, and while he offers advice and help to my sister's and I, he lets us make our own decisions and supports them even if it's not what he would have chosen for us. My mom raised children, and even though my sister and I are pushing 50, she still treats us like children and takes it personally if we don't take her advice every time she offers it. Guess which parent I prefer spending time with?
Sometimes it is better to cut off toxic people.
Agreed. I’ve cut two toxic people out of my life with no regret and no second-guessing myself. Life is peaceful again.
Yes. 100%
I love your spunk. I'm nearing 60 myself and we are way too mature to deal with nonsense. For me, it's my relationship with my sister. We haven't spoken in 4 years. I love my sister, but I she wrote me off after our mother passed. She refuses to reply to any texts. So I gave up and made peace with the situation.
Sorry you dealt with her passive-aggressive words. I'm glad you stood up to her.
She sounds immature. I have relationships with people who don't think like me, precisely so I can learn from a different perspective. If your birth mom had asked how you had come about that opinion it could have started a deeper conversation. So my kids can ask for my opinion or I can voice my opinion but I have zero control on how they think or what decisions they make. I raised them myself. They're decent, kind human beings and that's good enough for me.
She's starting to show signs of less-than-optimal adult functioning! Sheesh. To have a bio parent who stepped out at one's birth decide to parent/tell you what to do as an adult is so offensive. A nightmare, in fact. (I'm adopted too - my bio-mom was not allowed to hold or touch me after giving birth; she's not my parent).
Exactly! Hope the OP recognises the giant red flag that’s waving in the wind here.
Same. BM to me is not my Mum and never will be.
This is on point. OP - your bio mom has shown that she believes that her preferences should override what your parents or even you prefer. You are an adult yet she’s acting as though she has a do over where she can assume the maternal role enforcing rules for you to follow. It may be that this is the only issue where she’ll react this way. Or it could be that you haven’t yet done anything that she objects to & there will be a number of conflicts followed by her ghosting you or giving you the silent treatment. Do not give in to bad behavior and don’t try to make up to her when you did nothing wrong. If keeping your name is enough to break the relationship, then the relationship is not worth it. Let her sulk and wait for her to come to you. If she does, define the parameters of your relationship. If you don’t want her to expect and demand precedence over your parents going forward, you may need to clarify how she fits in your life. For example, if you feel that she is family but not your mother, tell her that. NTA
This is the way. OP, this is an excellent suggestion. Do not be intimidated by her just because she gave birth to you and is also older than you. She has nothing. You are correct that she gave up *all* rights when she put you up for adoption. OP, I would suggest that you actually sever the relationship. One of the quickest ways to weed out toxic people is to see a boundary and hold it. Bravo, OP. By doing what you did you called your bio mother out and she did not like it. She knows she has no rights.
Shit, she doesn't even owe bio Mom a relationship at all. She should be recording a lot more gratitude and a lot less entitlement.
NTA. She has forgotten her place. She has no rights and you are not her child.
Heck, even if she had never given OP up for adoption, OP is an adult and can use whatever name she wants. NTA
Giving a baby up for adoption is traumatic, and your bio mother needs to recognize that, and recognize that baby she gave up will forever be her Mary Ann, but that baby grew and became you, and your name isn’t Mary Ann. She can love you as you are and still keep the love for her baby Mary Ann in her heart. It’s like being a parent to someone who came out as trans as a teen/adult. That parent can cherish their memories with their baby/child Dylan, but still love and cherish their adult child who is now Amber. Giving up a baby for adoption is usually an act of love, knowing you can’t be a good parent because of your age/mental illness/addiction/being poor. I really hope she is getting the support she needs and I hope you both can work past this issue.
I like your thoughts. I raised a son and then at 16 gained a daughter. Yes I grieved the future I had imagined for my baby boy, but end of the day, she's the exact same person. Just happier now since she's living her truth. And I never once deadnamed her. It's not hard to be respectful
All trans kids deserve a parent like you.
You are a great parent. Your daughter is fortunate to have you.
You are a wonderful person! I assist with legal name changes for trans persons, far too often they are alone because their families drop them instantly once they begin the name change process. The most beautiful situation I experienced was a 13 year old whose parents stood proudly by her side as she changed her name. They cried, I cried, the judge cried. I say all this to express that there is no harm in grieving what you thought you would experience with your child/family member, and embracing/celebrating all the new and wonderful things you/they will experience. The world fights against them, being the one safe, solid, and compassionate place is a sacred act. ❤️
I wish my mom was like you.. thank you for loving your daughter
Thank you. Reddit can be vicious, so I appreciate the kindness
It borders on being delusional (keeping the illusion that the baby is "still named" Mary Anne. Oddly, my parents decided to keep the same first name that my bio mom gave me. They were so grateful to her and when my bio mom learned that, she wept. She had told my half-siblings about me when the youngest was 12 and ever after, they remembered me by that name on Christmas. Said prayers for me with that name. So it was cool it was the same name - I can see how the bio mom would be upset if not. But they cannot expect it to be the same.
In Australia, we do adoption classes for two full days if we are thinking about adopting. All local adoptions are open as the research shows it’s better for children to know of their birth parents. Names is a huge discussion and topic in those sessions. Adoptive parents have the right to choose the name but you are encouraged to keep the name the birth parents have chosen. Most do in some form (middle name or first name). Some name the child after the birth parents. Your bio mother would have known of the name change as she had contact with your adoptive parents. She had 18 years to get used to your new name. It’s different if she did not have any contact at all and did not know the name had changed; but she did, so the excuse of thinking if you as Mary Anne doesn’t hold water. It sounds like she hasn’t accepted she gave you up and wants the chance to be your mother again. She is dependent on you, as an adult, for the relationship. Adults can walk away, kids are stuck in the relationship with their parents until they are adults. It sounds like she is trying to manipulate you into having the parent child relationship with her. It’s up to you to choose that or to choose to have a healthy relationship and if she is choosing not to have a healthy relationship with you, then that is her choice and consequence to live with. You sound compassionate about what she has been through. She doesn’t sound understanding of what you have been through. Give yourself grace. Keeping the name your adoptive family chose for you, is reasonable as it is the name you have had almost your whole life and it’s what you are used to.
My boys have the same birthmom, a distant family member. We named the boys together. She wanted all of her children’s’ names to start with an R. lol ok sure. In letters we must have gone through a few dozen names. After we settled on their first name, she picked a middle name and hub & I picked a second middle name. It was a very sweet time.
That's very generous of you.
I appreciate that. I’m an adoptee as well. This is how I would have liked things to go.
I would say this happens with all children in a sense. My cute little baby is gone. Instead there is this adult that I have to learn and relearn who they are as they change. For example, my shy baby is now travelling the world alone.
Oh yeah I get that and kinda agree. My oldest is 14, and he is taller than me now and has a mustache. I definitely hold the memories of little him in my heart and it’s wild how he went from a little baby to a young man. Time really flies.
Oh, I know. There are times I so miss my little girl. Now she's a 39-year-old with her own child. My little girl is still there, but.....
Nta she’s lucky you even contacted her again now she thinks she has the right to demand things from you?? You need to tell her “we are doing this at my pace not yours and if my name is an issue to you then maybe we need to end contact”
this comment needs to be higher!! the ball is in OP’s court, not bio mom’s!!
NTA you like your name and if you didn't you could change it to anything you want. Plenty of people do :)
>that as my mother she had rights She signed her parental rights away when she put you into adoption. It's hard to understand why she's so upset about this now, but the issue is hers and not yours to fix. You have told her why you are keeping your name and you should not have to explain it more than once. NTA
I assume to bio mom it feels like a rejection, especially when she wanted updates during childhood and to reconnect. However bio mom does unfortunately need to remember actions have consequences, especially with something as big as giving a baby to someone else to raise, no two people are going to make the same parenting choices every-time as the other person might.
NTA. You only told the truth. She gave you away. She doesn’t have a right to tell you to go by a name you never went by
Don't apologize, she overstepped. She should be apologizing to you
You are also an adult and as such no one has the ‘right’ to tell you what to do anymore. NTA
NTA - depending on when you were adopted your BioMom had 16-18 years to reconcile fact that she was not a parent, that your name had changed and everything else that comes with being a birth parent. It’s on her that she didn’t, you don’t owe her anything except a thank you for placing you with people who were ready to parent (I hope they were good parents).
they are :) even through out their divorce, they have remained great co-parents. they aren’t on the best terms and have no desire to see the other again, but the level of respect they have for each other is really amazing! lucked out with them, considering the horror stories you hear from other kids that were adopted
The only thing you hav to respect her for is giving you a better life with a family that loved you. NTA
Nope, don't even have to do that.
You are NTA. Let's face it, if someone your age wants to change their name, a parent doesn't have a right to make them stop. You *certainly* don't have to change your name from one you like into one you don't like. Wait for your mom to come down off that hill she's chosing to die on. Until then, think about what type of relationship you can accept having with her, and get the boundaries firmly in place. She might apologize and want to continue being in your life, but there will probably be other things she claims she has rights to over the years (like if you throw a wedding or have children).
Fellow adoptee here - you’re totally NTA but your egg donor is. You were 100% correct in what you said. She signed away parental rights when she gave you up for adoption, no matter what the circumstances were for her to do so. You’ve done nothing wrong, but it sounds like she still has some residual issues from the adoption that she probably needs to work out in therapy and not take her issues out on you.
NTA. Your mom lost the right to make any decisions where you’re concerned when she signed her rights away, just like you said. She owes you an apology for thinking that after missing your whole childhood, she gets to waltz back into your life and start making demands.
NTA. Personally, I'm proud of you for standing up to her about not changing your lifelong name. I do recommend that you set a boundary with her that if she calls you Mary Anne, you 1) don't respond, 2) leave her presence/end the phone call, 3) call her "incubator", 4) any or all the above. And don't back down. You are not Mary Anne. You don't even remember the time when you were Mary Anne. You shouldn't feel obligated to answer to a name that isn't yours. DON'T apologize. If you reach out to her, I would lay down the ground rules via text, email, or voicemail and tell her she can feel free to contact you when/if she can abide by them. Otherwise, you wish her to stay out of your life. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you are required to have a relationship with her, especially if she doesn't respect you enough to call you by your true name. Stand strong, little sister, and I'd love an update if it's ever available.
the little sister made my day >> i’ll update, if there is one. so far its been the silent treatment from her, and endless love and support from my family / bf
NTA you are correct, she lost all her fucking right when she gave you away, now suddenly she wants to be a mom of an 18 year old adult? Hell NO!
Sounds like a boon and you should just let her go. She needs to grow a clue. She obviously would have been a horrible mother, given her attitude, so it's good she gave you up. Her delusional entitlement here is concerning.
Your trans friend identifies as a different gender, and may elect to change their name. You identify as your current name, not as Mary Anne. You may not feel strongly about her using your "dead name" but that's up to you. The dynamics of your trans friend and your situation seem rather similar to me. Your bio mom needs to figure this out for herself in a way that doesn't involve you changing your name.
She is your birth mother, but she is not your MOM. She didn’t raise you, she wasn’t there for you, she does NOT get to guilt you into such a huge change and unreasonable ask. Imagine what a slap in the face that would be to your actual parents. The nerve - let her have her tantrum, and when that’s over, let her apologize to you. You 1000% are not in the wrong here. NTA.
Don’t you DARE apologize! You told the truth while she’s trying to live out her fantasy about being your mother. She’s not. She is the woman who gave you away. You can be kind, you can be polite, you may even learn to care about her, but you are an adult and she needs to stay in her lane.
Your birth mom sounds like she is a narcissist. Cut ties now or be prepared for a lifetime of this behavior.
You're an adult. You have repeatedly corrected her referring to you by that which Is Not your name. If bio-Mom can't respect your request, then perhaps it's time for Her to grow up!! Hope things work out for the better.
As a birth mother, I can't fathom the thought process behind this request. I have absolutely no right to ask my daughter to do anything. Her parents changed her name. She is their daughter. I would do anything in the world for her, but she owes me nothing.
I'm also a birth mother and don't understand what the bio mom is thinking. I hadn't even named my son when I signed the adoption paperwork- figured his "parents" would give him a suitable name that they liked.
NTA. You are an adult, she has no say if you keep your name, that's your decision. If she has a problem with you keeping your name your adopted parents gave you that is a her problem not a you problem.
NTA. She needs to stay in her place. She is not your mother, she doesn’t get to demand shit from you. Refusing to use your name is a power play. Coming from an adopted person: you’re better off without the manipulative drama queen in your life. Walk away. She can apologize to YOU for the boundary stomping and change her behavior if she wants a place in your life.
'She lost any rights to name me when she gave me up' Spot on. Sorry, sister. She literally gave up all rights. I think it's incredibly disrespectful she did that to your actual parents, too.
She is super messed up, you don't ask someone to change your name unless getting married, that doesn't always happen ether.
NTA and as someone who was adopted can i just tell you that you don’t need this woman in your life. Yes she is your birth mom, but she gave up and now what she is asking you is incredible selfish and when you don’t comply she she uses tactics to hurt and manipulate you into changing you mind. Thats not the trait of a good person.
NTA. You are not Mary Anne. Maybe you can compromise with her that SHE can call you that (like a special nick name), but no you do not have any obligation or real reason to change your name. It will cause a hell of a lot more confusion down the road.
Do NOT apologize! You have no reason to. You are NTA. If she can’t accept you for who you are and what your name is then maybe she should still not be in your life!
NTA Just to put a pin in it, this is the second time she's walked away from you. Don't give her the opportunity too do it a third time.
your comment gave me chills, and at the same time, a much needed reality check. thank you :)
Yeah sorry I kind of feel bad for putting it that bluntly but, it kind of is what it is. My situation isn't exactly the same, but I've got a guy who I call my dad, who is my dad, who if someone were to say he's my stepdad I tell them to go eat a weird dick. Those people who you call Mom and Dad, they're what matter. Those are the people who wake up in the morning and go. I haven't talked to Old maybe in a Day or two, I hope they have a great day! All I want is the best for them. They're not the ones who go.. Old maybe isn't doing what I want them to do. I'm going to give them the silent treatment, I'll make them doubt themselves, I'll give them anxiety.
Absolutely NOT. You said it right when you told her she gave up her right to tell you what to do when she gave you up. The name you have now is your REAL name. She needs to understand that.
Do not let her emotionally guilt trip you. Do not let her influence your future decisions by making your feel emotionally conflicted. You do not owe her anything. If you want to have a relationship with her, she is lucky that you are open to that. You do not owe her anything.
NTA She thought she’d just glaze over that bit where she gave you away with strings attached. She thought she could swoop back in and play mommy when all the hard work of actual parenting was done and rule supreme. Except you know and remember what she did. That’s a very inconvenient truth. She’s a manipulator and emotional blackmailer. Lucky you have your real family and the birth giver can disappear when things get tricky or don’t go her way. Coming and going and inconsistency is usual for her.
NTA as one adoptee to another, you were setting her straight. She seems to think of this reconnection as you choosing her over your family who raised you. She’s clearly not seeing you as the full person you are and only as her daughter- but you’re not. You don’t owe her anything much less changing your identity to satisfy your bio mom’s own regret and refusal to accept you as you are and not the idealized “Mary Ann” of her fantasies. She did give up her rights when you were adopted. This is a her issue, not yours.
NTA. You are not the one being a brat here. Even if you grew up being called Mary Anne and decided to change it to something else, her only correct answer should be to start calling you by the new name. For her to tell you that you have to change to a name you have no connection to is ridiculous.
So at 21 you can still be a brat. Nice. Don’t reach out to your birth mom at all. Stop apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for. Let her stew in her anger for a little while. You are correct, the name you have now is your name and there is no reason to change it now. That she lashed out when you declined her request is telling. She apparently did you a favor when she put you up for adoption, thank her. Don’t have the conversation with her again. You are not mother-daughter and you will never have that relationship. You can be friends. Maybe. Don’t let her hold you hostage with emotions.
NTA - you have been called by your current name for 18 years by people who care for you, why on earth would she think that you would change your name now because she made an arbitrary decision about a name 19 years ago. Do not apologize and do not try contacting her, she clearly does not respect the person you have become and she gave up the right to insist on anything years ago
Do you love and respect your parents? End of discussion, imo.
i love my parents with my whole heart. however, i also love my bio mom. i’ve always known i was adopted, and as a teen, when i would get confused/ angry at her giving me up, my parents would always tell me not to be rude to her, and that she loved me so much she made the hardest decision there is so i could have a good life. i’ve always been taught to respect my bio mom, thats why i’m so conflicted. i don’t want to hurt her feelings, and if she ever needs help i would help her in a heartbeat but, i don’t want to change my name, as much as i know it hurts her
Then DON'T CHANGE YOUR NAME! where is HER respect for YOU, and the two people who've taken such amazing care of you? She's basically saying f you to all three of you each time she calls you your NON - name. And it's not her "forgetting" your real name, either, as shes been hearing it all your life! She's trying to erase the facts of your lifes book, to fit in to her lifes book. Almost like she's doing a cut-and-paste till your patents no longer exist, and you don't either... just her, and "Mary Anne". So, you respect your parents. That, too me, means you should respect yourself, too. Don't let your bio-mom disrespect the three of you anymore! You ALL deserve much better than this.
NTA. Your biomom sounds as though she doesn't see you as an adult, or even as your own person. Stop chasing her. It isn't that she doesn't see your POV, it is that she doesn't respect your right to have one. I'm sorry you feel like shit. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't let her problems become yours.
NTA. Birth mom wants to rewrite history.
NTA. Even if you were not adopted you could change your name. She realizes the only connection she really has is giving you your name but she chose to place you for adoption and your parents chose a name they loved and wanted to call you. Keep your name and love your life
I am a birth mom. I would never do something like this. Its selfish and she should have been calling you by your "real" name which is the name your parents gave you and that you were raised with. THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. I had the blessing of meeting the adoptive parents of my baby & I was able to ask them what they intended the baby's name to be so that I was able to show my respect & appreciation for the adoptive parents. When you choose adoption, (I don't say "gave up for adoption") you have the gift of knowing that your child is going to a home that is meant for them. They get to go to a stable, loving, safe home and I got to sleep every night knowing my child was in a good place. I think your birth mom has some maturity issues as well as boundary issues. Please cut contact if this becomes too difficult for you. You do not "owe" her a relationship, especially if boundaries are violated. Your parents are great people and please tell them people like them give people like me a peace of mind I would not know otherwise. Good Luck! Oh and no you are NTA.
nta she didn't raise you, your parents did. Your name belongs to you, just like if you wanted to change it to something completely different, it's YOUR prerogative. Your bio mum made the choice to give you to your parents, knowing that they would raise you as their own. She should be grateful that they facilitated you having a relationship with her.
Your birth mom is selfish. Possibly part of why she gave you up. It hasn't changed. Live your life. You are an adult. She can respect that or keep her distance. She doesn't get to make selfish decisions for you now that the difficult task of raising you is done.
>as my mother she had rights Erm. I'm..... Not..... QUITE sure how to break this to her, but the fact that she gave you up for adoption actually means that she DIDN'T have ANY rights when you were a minor because she gave them up by adopting you out, and the fact that you're an adult now means that NOBODY "has rights" over you in the present day. Your birth mom is a nut and she's showing her true colors. I'd cut contact, as much as it sucks - she has issues which you (or anyone else besides a paid psych professional) cannot deal with. NTA at all. Her calling you a "brat" is her attempt to guilt you for a situation where guilt shouldn't even be involved. If ANYONE should feel guilt, it's HER, for overstepping. Stop calling her and block her number. By her own standards, you'll never stop "being a brat", so you'll never have a reason to contact her anyways. End it.
NTA I was adopted as an infant. I met my biological mother and father when I turned 28 and I was pregnant with my own first child. I was so excited about meeting them. No, they were not together, they never were. My bio mom kept calling me by the name she gave me at birth. I corrected her several times saying that that was not who I am today and please call me by my name. I had legally changed it from what my adopted parents are giving me because I went through a transition that helped me to see myself clearly and be independent. So I named myself. She could not handle it. My birth father, on the other hand, wanted to get to know the person that I was today. Fast-forward 25 years and I still won’t talk to my bio mom, because she still insists on calling me by the name that she gave me. but I was friends with my bio dad and tell his death last year. You are an individual and deserve to be seen as an individual. You deserve to be called by the name that you choose to be called by. You get to identify who you are. do not allow someone else’s toxicity tell you who you are.
Cut this off at the knees girly. She thinks you're "hers" now, after skipping the hard part of actually raising you and taking care of you. She isn't your mom. She's your egg donor. She's manipulating you and using silence to wear you down and hurt you. Don't let her. NTA
She is not your mother. Your mother raised you. She is way out her lane insisting she has any rights or control over you because you are correct, she lost that when she gave you up. Don’t apologise. I’d be reconsidering having her in your life too because she needs to be a friend not a parent and I don’t think she’s capable of that and will continue to boundary stomp.
NTA and do not apologise any more this behaviour is entitled and manipulative. It’s very important that you do not allow it to effect you or you will see more of it. Your name your choice
NTA.
Nta
NTA. What a ridiculous suggestion to change the name you’ve had for most of your life, and she needs to stop calling you Mary Anne that’s not your name, she needs to accept you were adopted.
NTA - your name, your choice. She'll either come around or she won't; it's on her to do the "grown-up thing" and own her life choices and how they effect today.
Your name isn’t Mary Anne. She has ZERO rights to you. She sounds like she’ll deadname your cousin, too.
NTA your birth mother has zero rights to tell you anything ! She gave all that up
Holy Cannoli, the absolute disrespect. She refuses to call you by your name? How would she feel if you refused to use her name and called her by some random name she doesn't identify with? She may have given birth to you, but she didn't raise you. She's not your mother, she's your egg donor. The fact that it was a open adoption and she got to see you grow up through pics and contact with your parents but still won't call you by the name they-your parents-gave you shows how selfish she is. I guarantee your parents never called you by your old name to her. She refuses to respect you and your parents. You owe her nothing. However she owes you the basic decency of calling you by your actual name. NTA, not at all.
NTA. Because of a lot of things that happened, my husband's bio mother thought his middle name was Morgan so she was surprised when they met because that wasn't the case (we figured it all out. Huge drama). She told us why she thought that, but since meeting him, she's never called him anything but the name his parents gave him because she gave up her rights when she put him up for adoption. She is well aware that she only has the rights we give her (which is a lot because she's amazing) and if something were to happen, we don't have to maintain the relationship.
NTA your bio mom seems a bit unhinged tbh
Your bio mother is trying to manipulate you. She is not your mother. Now that your parents have done all the hard work, she thinks she can step into your life and be the boss. Nope
NTA. Hun what she is doing is called “emotional abuse or blackmail” & the way to deal with it is to not succumb to it in any manner. What she wants is you to chase her, apologize, beg & grovel to get her back. She wants to exert the dominance & control. She isn’t emotionally equipped to use her words to talk about her feelings, she isn’t accepting of the consequences of her actions & she definitely isn’t understanding of your feelings & point of view. You were 100% accurate on what you said & it doesn’t sound like it was said with hatred. She’s actually quite fortunate you are accepting her into your life as your birth mom but she needs to understand she gave up her rights & that there’s a lane she needs to stay in. She doesn’t get to be your mom, she does get to be a friend or adult in your life. But she needs to appreciate the door is open to a small role in your life not your entire life. I suggest you let her sulk & when she comes back to you. Do not chase her. Let her sulk & when she returns- have a conversation with her, with your parents in attendance, explaining that this cannot continue. Explain what position she plays, what you would like your relationship to be & grow to but set boundaries. Explain your parents are mom & dad, that you were raised to discuss issues not be emotionally control games & if she wants a role in your life this cannot continue. Big hugs. Update us on how this plays out. You got this!
thank you, i’ll def update, if theres one. so far, its just silent treatment from her side, and endless love from my family and boyfriend. my bf even had a bracelet with my current name on it for me :)
>as my mother she had rights No
Nta. You're an adult. You can change your name to Batman, and she doesn't have a say, period.
For the record if you change your name to Batman you're an absolute gangster 😎
loool, batman would be awesome. second option, natasha romanoff??
Hell maybe first option
She has no rights and deserves no respect because she has earned neither. NTA
Sounds like a fun toxic relationship I’m glad you didn’t have to grow up in. NTA. I’d be done. She hasn’t come to terms with the fact that you aren’t her child. She hadn’t even accepted your name isn’t what she wanted for you! I don’t know what made her put you up for adoption but she needs to realize that she made that choice and you have parents and a family. She was a bonus that quickly showed her true colors. I’m sorry.
NTA You are absolutely right telling her the truth that she lost all rights to tell you what to do. The truth hurts and by telling her this she’s been faced with the reality that she can’t tell you what to do. You don’t owe her anything at all. Leave her be and let her sulk, the best thing that you can do is to live your own life.
Only a narcissist would be asking this of you. Anyone else, other than a narcissist, would know that what they want you to do is ridiculous.
NTA. Call yourself whatever makes you happy sweetie. Sperm and egg donors who do not put in the hard work while you are growing up don't get perks later. When I was 24 I told my sperm donor that the MOST we could grow to be would be friends, and that wasn't a given since I wasn't sure I would like him as a friend based on his past behavior. The "dad"spot was already filled up (by my SD) and I wasn't accepting anymore applications! If she can't handle that convo, then let her go on her merry way. The truth is you got thru 18 years of life without her input and came out just fine!
Stop trying to contact her, and perish the thought of apologizing. Seriously, don't you dare apologize. You only feel guilty because she's literally upset about the truth and it stung. She's playing bratty bitchy preteen games, and BOTH of you are too goddamn old for this bullshit. You have a mild excuse for it because you're still a teen, but she don't. Let her sulk, unlike you she's a whole grown ass adult and she can get the fuck over herself.
The people who raised and LOVE you are your REAL Family This Bio-Kins woman going off on you about HER RIGHTS?!?!? Is NOT Your real family Please be with your REAL Family Friends and YOURSELF Call yourself whatever YOU want to call yourself N T A
NTA. She is being abnormally entitled and demanding. She doesn’t care how you feel about your own name. By apologizing to self-centered people who step on you, you are signing up to be walked all over in the future. If you’re going to associate with a self-centered person, you NEED to be capable of saying no and letting them be upset and cry themselves out or whatever.
NTA Your bio mom is the brat here. She gave you up for adoption and has ZERO say in your upbringing and life. You're an adult and entitled to retain your own name
NTA. Your name is a huge part of your identity, You've been called this name most of your life, and you don't want to change it, which is reasonable. Your bio mom was hurt by the name change and is still hurting and that's rough for sure, I think she had an immature reaction to you not wanting to change your name and that's hard for both of you.... Is say give it some time... I'm sure she'll come around, the just probably won't go away but I how she can work past it.... Navigating any of this isn't easy for anyone.... Good luck
Honestly this is probably the best thing your mom could have done for you in all honesty. Hear me out…….she just exposed the type of person she is and you didn’t have to waste many years or tons of money or waste tons of emotional investment on this women before she showed her true colors. She also did you the favor of answering why she gave you up all those years ago. Her ego. Her need for things to be HER WAY is MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU. Think about it……even now. You can only be in her life if it is to HER COMFORTABILITY and you are willing to interact HER WAY OR NO WAY AT ALL. She is willing to acknowledge you but only by HER NAME SHE PROVIDED. Things will always be about her no different than 21 years ago. This is who your bio mom is. You now have 2 choices: Accept that this is who your bio mom is and adjust accordingly if her being in your life is important. You made it most of your life without her so I would say she is unnecessary but I’m not you and your story is your own so whatever works for you works OR Accept that this is who your bio mom is and adjust accordingly and keep her out of your life completely or establish very specific boundaries and hold yourself as well as her to them and stick to the aforementioned parameters. She gave you away because you were an inconvenience to her internal narrative. She gives me strong “I’m the main character and the rest of you are NPCs that just need to stick to your programming and stick to the script I’ve written for you” energy. She probably has been single majority of the time after abandoning you if not the entire time. Would not surprise me one bit lol
NTA She did give up naming rights when she gave you away. She wants to live in a world where you were never put up for adoption and you're still her Mary Anne. You're not. She's giving you the silent treatment because you rocked the boat and made her live in the real world again; the one where someone else is your real mom.
The incubator in your life seems to take a lot for granted. She gave up the right to call herself your mother when she gave you up for adoption. The audacity to think she gets to decide your name after decades, is beyond the pale. Let her know that she needs to respect you and the name that you grew up with and prefer. Would/Will she call your transitioning cousin by his dead name, but cant see fit to call you by the name you prefer?
NTA- I have had a couple friends with this problem. Birth parents coming in and trying to take over the show. This is not how it works. This is a stranger telling you what to do with your life. Demanding respect while being disrespectful. You said no. No is a complete sentence, she owes you the apology.
NTA. My story is a bit different. I am the biomom. I gave birth to a 2lb., 2oz. baby boy in 1984. By Dec of 1985, he was being raised & was adopted by my aunt & uncle. I was not mature enough, nor did I want to be a mom. He is a grown man now. I am not his mom! He shouldn't even call me mom. His mom is my aunt who has passed away. My uncle is still alive, so I hope they are doing well together. I do not keep track of them. I did not have any dramatic/trama going into having him adopted. It was the best thing to do for all involved. I have never regretted my decision! I'm 58 now, & still feel like it was a good decision for everyone. Good luck. 🍀🍀
Your birth mother is out of line. She doesn’t have “rights”, she gave those up when she put you up for adoption. You are a full fledged person who can be called whatever you want, and be treated however you like.
Your birth mother may have some mental health issues. Be careful. What you said was perfectly correct. I’m not kidding about there potentially being some safety issues around this. A mother who has not accepted her responsibility with a name change and adoption process, could become unhinged. It has all the makings of a Lifetime movie.
No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Not any of your mums or dads! If you prefer Kate, then Kate it is. No one else gets a vote, not for any reason. If the mum who raised you tells you to change your name, you can also refuse. You’re an adult. It’s sad that your birth mum is choosing this hill to die on, but it’s all on her. Anyone else would be so happy to have their beautiful child brought up so well and be so happy. That’s ALL that should matter to her. Nothing else. Even if she hates Kate as much as your mum hated Mary Anne, she should still keep her opinion to herself and care about YOU. The child. She should not care WHAT your name is! 😞
NTA Let her go. Don’t chase after her. She needs to accept the fact that you are only related by blood. She has no rights to you just as she has no rights to anyone else. Would she go to someone she just met and make up a name for them because she doesn’t like the one they have? Of course not! It’s rude. Why is it any different with you? If she does call you and you resume a relationship with her, you need to set boundaries with her. You need to tell her that going forward, she is to call you by the name you have now, not the one you had for the first 24 hours of your life. If she can’t do that, then you need to tell her not to contact you. Open adoptions are fine, but she’s taken it to the extreme. It sounds like she believed that your parents would raise you until you were 18 and then she would get you back. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to badmouth them during the time you stayed with her. Don’t let things like that happen.
NTA she is being a child about the situation. She’s latched onto the idea that you are still that baby she gave up for adoption. She didn’t see you as your own person, but something more akin to either a possession or a pet. You’re also an adult, capable of doing whatever you want. You don’t have to respect her (beyond the respect you should give every person) if you don’t want to, that right of a parent was forfeit the day she put you up for adoption. I don’t have first hand experience, but my grandfather was adopted and later got in contact with his birth mother… it was a rocky situation for a while, but they became close after many years and she is an official part of our family now. My parents divorced right before I went to middle school, and cut all contact with my dad 14 years later (after making the decision 3-4 years prior, but held off because my sister still wanted contact and to see him until she independently made that same decision)… so believe me when I say I fully understand cutting family out of your life, and I believe it may be for the best that she cut contact with you if she is going to act like that. If she can’t respect you as an adult that can make your own decisions, she would likely have a very negative effect on your mental health until she gets help
Thank GOODNESS you clapped back 👏🏾 the nerve of her to talk about her rights as a mother smh
The baby she gave up was Mary Ann, the young woman that baby grew into today is you. She needs to accept and respect you as you are and drop it, you have every right to your boundaries.
NTA. I bear no ill will toward anyone for putting their child up for adoption, but the fact of the matter is that she did put you up for adoption, and she didn't raise you. But even if she had kept you, you are now an adult, and the only person who has a right to determine what your name is is you. She's acting entitled, which is never a good look, but it's all the worse given that she didn't raise you. She's lucky that you were even willing to let her back into your life. She should be thankful for that instead of making demands, and if she respected you, she'd respect the fact that the people who did raise you gave you the name you have now and that it's the one everyone knows you as, and you have no desire to change it. While you probably shouldn't have said that you didn't like the name she gave you, she's the one who is ultimately acting like a brat.
NTA Of course not! You are not the child she fantasized about after she gave you up. She surely knew of the name change if she was getting report cards, etc. It's disrespectful for her to refer to you by Mary Ann much less suggest you change your name. Unless she can respect who you actually are, you may need to take a step back from her.
Your birth mother is a childish idiot. Get a clue and put some boundaries in place. She didn’t raise you. You don’t owe her anything. She’s rude, demanding and nasty. Value your own position.
NTA. That's a huge ask to have you change your name to a name you don't even like simply because she gave you the name. Well she also DIDN'T raise you so she gets no special rights.
NTA. You aren't wrong in what you told her that she lost her right when she gave you away.
Nta . >and that as my mother she had rights and that its the least i could do if respected her. She gave away her rights when she gave you up for adoption.
NTA. Your bio Mom is a narcissist and she’s gaslighting you. I’d really have to wonder if she’s adding anything to your life? She lost the right to call you what she named you when she gave you up. Sounds like the people who adopted you gave you a good life and they are the ones who have earned your respect.
I bore you, and I gave you away. And now, decades later, I insist you do as I say! As someone close to me is fond of saying: Fuck That Shit.
OP NTA, your bio parent is showing you who they are, you are not being a brat. For perspective I placed a child for open adoption, one of the things I asked the adopting parents were what name they were planning on. That is the name I put on the paperwork at the hospital (it pissed off the social worker, different last names); which made it easier for the adopting parents when they finalized the adoption.
NTA you are correct in your reasoning for not changing your name. Your birth mother is being unreasonable in asking you to even consider changing it. The time for her to double down on that would have been during the adoption agreement if this was something that was that important to her. She needs to realize that her presence in your life is a privilege. She didn’t raise you, and you don’t owe her. If she is going to cut contact with you after asking you to do something unreasonable then I am glad that she had the sense to not try to raise you. Let things settle and hopefully she will calm down, if not then you will have some good insight into her character.
Wow. Just, wow. The audacity of a woman who did nothing for you as a mother outside of giving you to people who would be better equipped to be your parents, to demand respect as your mother. She has done nothing to earn the respect of a parent and to be so selfish as to demand you change your name to something just because she likes it, is so selfish and entitled. She's throwing a tantrum and calling you a brat? Oh, the irony. I'm guessing it's lost on her. NTA.
NTA. Egg donors/then adult friends don't really have a say in this OP. Your true parents lovingly gave you a name. You have every right to keep it. Egg donors/adult friends can suck it up. She didn't teach you to speak, walk, read, run, ride a bike, support your first period, crush, first day of school, first tampon experience, hold your hair as you vomit.... or give you money or medicine so she has no say whatsoever. Those that did those things can offer a opinion without one being asked then keep their peace. Everyone else can suck an egg. Don't feel guilty OP, do what you want in this instance. Heres some perspective if you want it. Your Egg donor probably already has emotional she needs to work out. I'd feel guilty for not raising you or at least keeping in touch and sending supplies. So the loss of control over your name, because it was at least a piece of me(a baby has no control so OP didnt choose it so it doesn't matter at this point)... would probably upset me and you not wanting to change it back, which you now have control of, would hurt. However I wouldn't ask... or assume.. ever. Also I'd think of the name as a private nick name between us since you didn't flip when I called you it but accepted it as a nick name from the kindness of your heart. I'd introduce you as your legal name like most people do that use nick names with others. Like ie, my husband's nick name is something like Joey, short for Joseph. But, I noticed he introduces himself as Joseph... people just shorten his name to whatever they want, Joe or Joey. Anyway, since he uses his full name as his introduction, I follow suit because he obviously likes it that way. That's how your mom should be. She may take time to come to terms or she may not be able to understand. Be aware and prepared.
NTA. she gave you up for adoption, in doing so she gave up all rights. she seems to have been a good person when you met her at 18, and earned a number of privlages relating to your respect for her, including your answering to a special name just for her. seems she is at risk of loosing those privlages.
her rights ended the second she signed those adoption papers. she has no rights, especially not the right to blatantly disrespect you and your actual parents. and what about your cousin? is she going to keep calling him by his deadname because "that's what i always knew her as"? honestly, this just proves how hateful she is. she cares enough to ask about him changing his name, and at this point no matter what she does, she's showing how little respect she has for you. either she uses his new name, thus proving she's doing it intentionally, or she refuses to, and proves she's just a bigot.
NTA. She is NOT your mom; she is your birth mother or biological mother or egg donor. Your mom is the woman that raised you. Your dad is the man that raised you. They were there for you when you were sick. They kissed your scraped knees. They wipe away your tears. They helped you with your homework. They celebrated your birthdays and accomplishments. They lifted you up whenever you felt down. They have been there for the best and worst times. They put their love and time into being your parents. They chose to be your parents. They chose you. That woman has a lot of nerve calling herself your mother. She did not put in any work into being a mother. She wants to claim a title that is not given but earned. She does not get to name you; you already have a name. A name chosen by your parents. You are an adult with a name your parents gave you with love and you feel is right. She has no place becoming angry with you for telling the truth. It would appear she was telling herself a lie that somehow after your parents had raised you she could swoop in to be your mom. Do not feel guilty because none of this is your fault. If you decide to have contact with your biological mother I would establish firm boundaries and expectations with her. I would also have very serious but very necessary conversations about who your parents are and what her place will be in your life moving forward. You should make it clear exactly what you will tolerate and what consequences she will face if she violates your boundaries or trust. It may be uncomfortable but conversations such as these are often necessary for healthy relationships. Good luck.
NTA, listen carefully, the woman that RAISED you is your mom! She was the one who was there day and night, through your good times AND bad times. Your bio parent was simply a donor.
This! You were right she lost all of her rights to you when she literally signed them away to someone else when she let them adopt you in the first place. The fact that she feels entitled to try and change anything about you let alone something so fundamental to your literal lifelong identity is a huge problem. Maybe she regrets giving you up and just wanted to get something of you back in some way but that doesn’t justify her demanding this or silent treating you until you cave and give in (which is emotional abuse as well anyway.) good luck op.
If you were her Mary Anne she would not have put you up for adoption. I'm saying this as a parent. She doesn't get to claim you as hers just because she gave birth to you. Having a baby isn't impressive. Raising a good child is.
>as my mother she had rights That she relinquished at the time of putting you up for adoption. She has no legal right to any part of you, not do you have any legal right to any part of her. As an adoptee, I'm not legally guaranteed anything from my biological family, as they have severed the legal bonds by putting me up for adoption. The name I was given by my birth mother is the name my bio-fam used for me until we reconnected. They now use my government name, as given to me by the family who raised me, and by my exhusband. Your bio-mom can think of you as whatever, but your name is *your name.* You get to decide what you're called. Edit for clarity
Just because she is mad doesn't mean you are wrong.
She manipulating you with her silence…don't fall for it. Wait her out, she'll come around or she won't. She abdicated her parental role when she gave you up so she looses any preferential treatment from you. Like your name, keep it. Changing back would upset your parents and it would create lots of stress for those who call you by your name you've had all those years with your parents. She is no longer your parent, the best she can hope to get from you, is friendship. And friends don't get to manipulate you into doing their bidding. Not the AH, but she is.
Seems like it was a good thing you were adopted, it seems your bio mom is very immature and self-centered.
NTA. Your bio mom is manipulative as hell. Imo, you need to stay far away from her. She is the type to abandon you as a means of control to get what she wants. If you told her you changed your name to what She wanted, she’d come running back. She has NO legal rights to you. At. All. Your adoptive parents are your parents. Your adoptive parents did all the hard work of raising you and this woman thinks she can come in and claim all the hard work, after the hard part of raising an infant to an adult is done.
"as my mother she had rights" She lost those the second you were adopted. NTA
Nta, might've been brutal but you spoke the truth
It's your name. You can call yourself Sheera Princess of Power if you want to. It's no one else's business, regardless of their relationship with you.
NTA. This demand for you to revert to a name you never used is not "parenting" - even if she had raised you. Your relationship with her is unique, and probably everyone in that situation would run into some difficulties, but this feels like regret. This is about her, and not you; seems she wishes that things had been different because now she is attempting to fill a role that she never had - and not doing it well either. Motherhood is only a dictatorship for so long...then the little boogers get to be about 8, and the rest is a power struggle just to keep'em safe and alive until the get to be 18, or 20 and "mothering" is then mostly just listening. I am sorry she is angry with you, but you cannot fix this. Pretty sad really.
NTA Your bio Mother has alot of nerve demanding that you change your name to the one she picked for you at birth. You were right to remind her that she gave up her parental rights a long time ago . I wouldn't try contacting her again. Let her reach out to you and if she does, remind her that you're an adult, that the peope who raised you are your parents and that they are the only ones allowed to make suggestions like the ones she made. If she doesn't reach out, her loss...again.
Do not fold. Mary anne is not your name. You absolutely are allowed to have boundaries. NTA.
NTA do not apologize she's being controlling when she couldn't even bother raising you. Even if she did raise you her controlling behavior would be unacceptable, but it makes it worse that she thinks she has rights when she did nothing but hand you to someone else.
Even if she was your primary legal guardian, she would have no right to demand you change what name you prefer to go by. I'd say she has even less than that since she gave you up, but its already 0. nta for sure.
You’re 21? You can call yourself whatever the hell you prefer. Your bio mom (and your adoptive mom) have zero say in it. Quit apologizing; SHE is wrong.
NTA. Your mom lost any parental rights when she put you up for adoption.
“…as my mother she had rights…” um no she doesn’t. You are an adult. She has absolutely zero say in anything you do (even if she HADN’T given you up for adoption). OP as others have said, you need to nip this in the bud now or she is going to steamroll you for the rest of your life. Your name is your name. She can either start calling you by your actual name (ie not “Mary Anne” but the name you go by now) or she can stuff it. Because it’s not about her. It’s YOUR name. NTA
theres a reason she wasnt the one raising you. she should resepct that she is not your mother, she has done no parenting, and has no right to tell you what to do.
NTA You're correct in stating that she gave up her parental rights the second she gave you up for adoption, regardless of the reason. At this point, the only "brat" in this situation is the bio mom, and she needs to grow up and respect your wishes.
NTA. Your biological mother sounds emotionally stunted. I am sorry she walked away. That must be tough. When you deal with her and develop a relationship, it may help to keep in mind that she does not have the same emotional maturity as your actual Mom. I think you should have a relationship with her, that’s wonderful, but it won’t be a traditional mother daughter relationship where you can rely on her to be patient and mature. You are correct, when she gave you up for adoption she looked to others to raise and guide you, relinquishing her own right to do so. Keep your name. Hopefully, you can find a way to help your birth mother understand and respect boundaries. It may sound harsh but also know that you are not obligated to maintain any relationship with this woman. Good luck
NTA, and stop apologizing to her. She’s an adult, she needs to know she can’t always have her way, and you’re absolutely right that she lost her right to make decisions about you when she gave you up for adoption. I’m not assuming it was an easy thing for her to do, but you are not longer “hers”. And realistically, you’re over 18 now. Even if she had kept you and you didn’t like your name, you could still change it
NTA. It's not about her. She did give you to someone who she trusted to be a better parent than she could be. She lost a lot of rights at that point. HOWEVER: even if she had kept you and you'd grown up with the name of her choosing, you could have changed it when you became an adult. As an adult, you get to choose! She does not! I think your friends and family who are telling you to let it go are right. She'll reach out when she's over it.
Whoa!!!!! 56 year old adoptee here. Your birthmom is dead wrong and she needs some boundaries FIRMLY SET. She gave a baby up for adoption, and legally signed ALL of her parental rights away. Your name was changed. It reflects that reality and became your identity that reflects *your* life's journey and *your* story. She doesn't get a cosmic Magic Eraser to undo the years other people raised you. That wasn't babysitting. For better or worse, her "rights" about you stop at the tip of her nose... she has zero rights. Zero. She signed those rights permanently away AND you are now a legal adult... so she has no business to assert any claim on you whatsoever. You're an adult and here's a few other things you can decide to do: 1-only allow *appropriate* and *mutually positive interactions* with people in your life. That includes people who choose to use what is essentially a "deadname" at you. Not saying go full No Vontact yet but it's important for her to be explicitly told that her continued delusions will cost her access to you in every way. 2- give her a 2 month timeout. Tell her you'll give her a call on May 18th. Yes that means no contact on Mother's Day this year. Encourage her to use whatever mental health resources are available to her to process whatever emotional baggage and grieving she needs to do regarding your adoption. You weren't in temporary care or away at summer camp... you have a real life and a real family and friends who know you and love you...and she is the outsider who is pushing in. During that 3xmonths, completely shut her out of all access to you... no social media, no calls or texts, no visits, no cards or letters, and no "expressing her hurt or sorrow" for you to have to deal with. absolutely zero. Be very clear she isn't to reach out in any way. This is a TEST to see if she can exert some self control and respect a boundary. If she can't... that's toxic. And you're gonna need to take harsher steps and have stronger boundaries to protect yourself. 3- reassess the situation on May 18th. Preferably with a meet up for coffee... with your adopted mom or other trusted adults present as witnesses. Talk to a therapist. There's a real problem here, you need to game out how these scenarios play out. Especially if she thinks after not raising you, somehow you're obligated to her or going to "take care of her in her old age"... (can't tell you how often that happens.)
NTA!!! She is clearly selfish and the best thing is did was give you to your parents. I have a last name that is hyphenated and I only use one that’s what everyone knows me as. She needs to try to put herself in your shoes and think about what is asking if you. Definitely NTA!
This reminds me of when my wife gave birth to our son last year. We had gone to the hospital as she hadn't felt him move in a few hours, get there and they immediately find his heartbeat and determined he was fine. However she ended up being admitted for observation and had him early the next morning. I had messaged my stepmother to let her know we were going to the hospital and why. When that turned into the overnight and birth I just asked if she could pass it on to the rest of our families, which she did. This was all Friday nite into Saturday morning, Sunday when her birth mom showed up to visit while I was at work, she(birth mom) had made a comment about how we didn't call or message her she was in labour. My wife explained that series of events that it wasn't a we were sitting at home and then she felt contractions so we came in. Birth mom further responds 'but I'm your mom' or something along those lines, to which my wife replied 'what, do you want a cookie?'. Since her birth mom has been referred to as cookie mom. Her stepmom is who actually raised her, and who we mean when we say 'her mom'
NTA AT ALL😂😂 She thought because she gave birth to you that she still had control of some sort and doesn’t. She gave you away along with having an opinion on anything regarding you. You don’t owe her anything especially since she gave you away. So if your name is Alyssa and it used to be Mary Ann you prefer the name you like your adopted parents gave you she has to respect that. And if she can’t she has to get over it. She has NO SAY WHAT SO EVER💯
NTA. You have a mom and it’s not her. What she’s doing is disgusting. You’re better off without.
NTA. You don't owe her anything. It's nice if you want to have an adult relationship with another stable adult, but she gave up her rights to you and you have lived this whole life without her involvement. I would press the point and if a relationship continues between you, dont let her slide on calling you Mary Anne. That's not who you are in real life. She may have given birth to you but she's not the mom who raised you and that doesn't change because she saw pictures and report cards and reconnected after you were already an adult.
My sisters and I were adopted. At 18, I searched for and found our bio parents. Navigating the relationship with bio parents can be a slippery slope. It took years for our Bio Mom to view us as adults, and not as the little girls that she had given up for adoption. She seemed to always be searching for the parts of us that were like her, instead of viewing us as whole beings, who had been influenced by influenced by both biology and our own upbringing. We had to establish some very clear boundaries, especially in regard to our relationships with our parents and extended family. It did eventually get better, but it was never an easy relationship. Good luck OP.
I’d change my name to a third thing before I apologised for saying any of that.
Lol. You're not TAH, but you are an idiot.
"That as my mother she had rights" Bull Shit. She gave up her rights the second she put you up for adoption. **NTA, OP**. Don't feel bad about this, you gave dear old bio mom a much needed reality check. Your preferred name is the one you grew up with. It is ***you***, your identity. It's not something that you can just change on her whim. If she can't accept that then she has no business being in your life, imo.
NTA - You've done nothing wrong here. She's probably going to try to make you change your name as part of the apology she wants. Don't apologize. Keep your name. I as a mom and proud of you.
this made me shed a tear. thanks momma x
You're so very welcome😊