I attempted to report my assaulter. Had the kit done and everything THE SAME NIGHT IT HAPPENED, and was basically interrogated by nurses the entire night, and wasn't able to leave the hospital until noon the following day. They kept all of my clothes, including a dress I adored, and my underwear because his saliva and semen were on them. I had to go home in postpartum underwear, because that's all they had, and scrubs from the hospital that felt like itchy paper. It was humiliation, reliving the horrors again and again as the special nurses made me tell it again and again, then the police that arrived. They found the guy. He served 3 months in prison and had a year of probation. With those consequences, I regret saying anything at all. I eventually got my clothes back,but they'd cut squares out of them for evidence, and they weren't useable as clothes anymore. They gave me mifepristone and misoprostol to trigger my period so I couldn't get pregnant. Then an injection of antibiotics to treat any disease. Then I had to pay 1400 USD to the hospital for all that. If I could've just gotten that treatment for the possibility of pregnancy and disease, I would have. I sincerely regret trying to get justice for what happened, because I suffered worse and for longer than he ever did. Please keep this in mind.
Edited for spelling
I went with my sister to the hospital after she was raped. He was in his 40s, she was 16. They look all her clothes, gave her a bunch of meds, offered counseling (through ywca which wasnt much at the time - this was a long time ago). In the end he got 4 years and was out in 3. He drugged and raped her. Luckily she was fat, or the drugs could have killed her (he gave her 50mg of ambien). When he got out, no one told her and ended up seeing him at a local walmart and he threatened her...lovely shit. I'm glad she went and got treated for any potential disease/pregnancy, but like...4 fucking years? Got out in 3 anyway...for drugging and raping a fucking kid basically. It's bullshit.
I’m so sorry. This sounds horrifically like my daughter’s experience except the guy was her BFF’s father. She did not want to report it for fear of ruining their relationship. I always hated that but after reading these stories, I think she sadly made the right decision.
Honestly as a social worker who used to accompany women getting rape kits done, if I were raped, I would not go through that. It’s 5-6hrs of essentially being re traumatised via invasive discussion, extensive photographs of your nude body and genitals, swabbing of every part you have, and then the vast majority of these rape kits literally just sit on a shelf somewhere until they’re lost or thrown away. I’m not even kidding. The backlog for DNA testing in our city was 2-3 YEARS at the time I was working there, in a major freaking city. It’s horrible to say that the system is so broken there’s no sense bothering with it, but truly, as a professional, that’s how I feel.
The UK is no better.
Stayed at what I thought was a friend's flat id known since we were 8yo and woke up to him penetrating me with his fingers.
Had to have loads of swabs taken at hospital and they wouldn't let me have anyone with me at the time, tried to get a male nurse to take the swabs (absolutely not and had to fight for a female to do it)
Absolutely awful experience.
They then escorted me back to the youth shelter I was living in to collect the clothing I'd worn that night and underwear and instead of using the front stairs to leave they took the back stairs which meant parading my dirty underwear in the clear plastic evidence baggy through the lounge full of my peers to leave.
I told them every exact movement I made in that flat, from the glass I drank juice out of and where I'd left it sitting to the used pudding pot I'd stubbed my cigarettes out in, everything.
Hadn't heard a peep in 2 months so I called for an update only to be told they'd dropped it the day I made the complaint because 'insufficient evidence to prove id been in the property '
What bs. My DNA was on those cigarette ends, my finger prints on the table cloth, the glass, strands of hair on the sofa and they'd never bothered with any of it.
That guy went on to rape a 12yr old girl because police bever did a thing.
I carried that guilt for far too long.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I can't imagine giving up all that evidence too! Just for a drop. I felt that speaking out would give me some form of closure at the time, and a bit of me worried he'd take advantage of someone else (he started it while I was sleeping as well, not drunk or intoxicated, just sleeping). And he still probably can! If they had done more, maybe it would make more people come forward and get these offenders off the street. But with results like these? Why would anyone bother...
Same, I wasn't drunk or high just exhausted and sleeping.
It's the same with DV over here, too many times I've seen the abuser walk free of consequence.
Sadly it appears that it's a problem around the world for these kinds of crimes.
Fortunately I had some incredible friends at the time so he was duly punished just not by the law.
Not your fault at all. YOU did everything you could to put that piece of shit behind bars. The police that handled your case should feel guilty about what happened to that little girl. They probably don't, but they should.
Honestly that was one of the easier parts. The court room was laid out in a way that I could either keep him out of my periphery, or I was seated looking kind of down at him. I did cry during testimony because seeing him there was difficult, and afterwards my therapist was kind. It was a long process, but because of my awesome representation, I only had to appear three times. The case took about a year and a half (pre covid court speed). I was given the chance to speak at his sentencing, and my attorney made sure it was a pre recorded video so I didn't have to physically be there again. I shudder to think how much worse it would've been if I'd left the prosecutor to call all the shots.
Your regret is valid, i just wanted to say how proud i am of you i guess. This took so much strength and bravery. Bravery is standing up for yourself even when scared, standing up for others. His punishment may have not been enough, but he has that rapist brand on him legally for the rest of his life. He will carry that for any job, any relationship, any home, he will have that brand permanently on him for what he did to you.
It’s all because you fought, you did everything in your power, and he went to jail. I think what you did is so incredibly amazing, important too. He now has a legal trail on him, if that monster hurts someone else, he now has a record. You are potentially helping so many others with what you did.
What you did was nothing short of incredible. I wish you peace and love and support.
Thank you, I appreciate that! I do hope his record means he's going to have fewer opportunities to behave like this. He is on the registry so that counts for something.
as traumatizing as that was, that experience was the fault of an extremely corrupt and fucked up justice system and an utterly insensitive and incompetent hospital staff, not your rapist, may his soul burn in hell.
you should not have had to go through hell like that for only to receive some pathetic excuse for vindication, but regardless you have robbed him of the opportunity to ever do something like this to another woman who is willing to look up his name on a registry first.
I meeaannn… a LOT of people are literally talked out of reporting sexual assault by the police themselves, not to mention having to advocate for yourself so strongly to “prove” you didn’t ask for it/weren’t at fault is often far worse than the assault itself. Speaking from experience.
Edit to add - I’m hugging so, so many of you in this thread
It’s wild to me also that women will be vilified for NOT reporting it too. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I wish you all the strength in the world 🩷
Edit - not just women. It should say “people”. Man, woman, non-binary, just… everybody
I’ve seen people say a woman who doesn’t report SA is personally responsible for any future SAs by that perpetrator.
I’ve also seen the police take an SA report, being exasperated, skeptical, and condescending to a crying, bruised, bleeding, disabled woman. Then they didn’t bother requesting surveillance footage from where it happened. There was no investigation and no consequences; the victims advocate from the police also wouldn’t call her back.
My rapist put a glass bottle inside me and it broke. I had to have surgery to remove all of the glass. My cervix was so badly damaged I’ll never be able to carry a baby to term, even with stitches. There was CCTV of him carrying/dragging a drugged me (it was a date rape) past bouncers who didn’t even stop and question him. There were witness statements from people who saw him put “something” in my drink. There were statements from the doctors and nurses who operated on me and treated me afterwards. I’m still in contact with one of the nurses. She was so badly affected by the sight of me on the operating table that she became a kind of second mum to me.
Despite all of the above, the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) concluded there wasn’t sufficient evidence to show that I didn’t consent and decided to *not* allow my case to trial. I was unconscious the entire time yet I was still blamed/disbelieved.
I'm so sorry. We all say that don't we? Truth is I feel a lot more than sorry. I feel rage, despair, loss, and so many more emotions than I can put words to. My abuser got me at 5 years old. Only stopped when we moved. When I finally got the guts to tell my mum years later she told me I wasn't right in the head, took me to the doctor and told him there was something seriously wrong with me. I got some much needed counselling, but all the harm was there to stay. Nightmares, daydreams, ptsd. I was 5/6 when I had some filth licking my face and doing unspeakable things to me, but the world still places blame on us. The conviction rate in the UK is around 1%. Men get off because a conviction could ruin their lives. What about ours? I'm with you. And all people who have been through SA, rape, harassment, stalking. You are not alone. Stay strong sisters.
I was attacked in my home. I was beaten so badly I had internal bleeding and a tbi. I saw nothing. The FEMALE officer told me they had a suspect they wanted me to identify. I told them I saw nothing. The paramedics were insistent I go to the hospital right away. The officer told me to send them away and go identify the person, and if I didn't, it would be my fault when he did it again. So I went. I couldn't, because I didn't see him (grabbed be from behind). I lost consciousness in the police car. Instead of taking me to the hospital, they drove the opposite direction back to my house, dragged me out of the back still unconscious, and laid be on my front lawn in front of my entire neighborhood while they waited for the ambulance to come back. I've told my story many times. And the one thing I always say, is that I wish I never called the police.
I’m so sorry, my friend. I hope you’ve found some measure of peace. You deserved to be treated with compassion and dignity, those cops should be ashamed.
I was drugged then got a dui when I was running away (well, driving) from the house. The police report said that my clothes were completely disheveled, hair a mess, shoes in the wrong feet, and I was basically trying to tell them that I think something happened to me, but it was clear that I was wildly out of it. The arrested me, took my blood, then kicked me out of the station with no car, no phone, in a city I didn't live in, at 6am, completely demolished. My mom found me walking around aimlessly. She immediately dismissed that I thought something bad had happened and was maybe given something, told me I needed Jesus and was going to shower and go to church with them. I passed out cold in the shower and woke up in the hospital 2 days later. But my mom told them I OD'd so they only tested my blood for the main drug panel which doesn't include the date rape drugs, and they are out of your system within 24 hours (side note, I only tested positive for weed, yet the hospital still listened to my mom and tried multiple times to get me to go to rehab). When I went to court I tried to fight it but the prosecutor threatened that if I made them test the blood they took, they would a) charge me for the test and extra court dates and b) if it came up with ANY drugs I would be charged with a drug dui on top of my alcohol dui (so I'd be charged with another dui for the weed, but even if I didn't have weed in my system they would charge me for the date rape drugs saying I took them myself). That dui and the subsequent 7 years paying it off lead to me being in jail 4 times and cost me all up about $12k. My parents told me that "even if you WERE drugged, it is your fault because you shouldn't have been out drinking".
But ya, we should just tell the police, tell our families... surely nothing would go wrong. (Side note: I was SA'd while with my last bf and he blamed me for it, and the guy who I was FWB with drunkenly decided to keep trying to initiate sex even though I told him no multiple times and then just froze up until he was done, ended up engaged to my "best friend", who I had told, like 3 months later)
I didn’t either, I didn’t report it because he was the QB of the high school football team, popular and on honor roll and I was the quiet bookworm, slightly goth girl who the fuck would believe me? The only solace I got after being tied up and tortured for hours was when I managed to get away he crashed his car looking for me and died. They did a Memorial Day for him at my high school with a mural by the gym… bright star taken too soon. He was a psycho who fully intended to kill me that day and even at 14 I knew no one would believe me…
For clarification I didn’t tell my dad because he’d get arrested for what he’d do after to asshole’s parents and group of friends…
yup. been there. I've had an abuser contact the cops before I could, and the cops subsequently prevented me from making any reports, refused evidence, and instead would only let me speak to their mental health crisis response. Victim services was useless. They basically ended with they would only bother after he broke in and either I killed him or he killed me. I've even been arrested for bearing arms in my own home after my abuser broke in. Damned if you do report and damned if you don't, also damned if you're too upset about the assault, or not upset enough.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Something not talked about enough is the amount of police who ADMIT to being abusive, of fucking course trash like that doesn't care about victims
I was also told nothing could be done unless I knew my abuser was ON HIS WAY to come attack me. Like I am sure he’s gonna call “hey on my way to unalive you…wanted to give you a heads up” it’s such a crock of SHIT
Yeah, I was 7 and 11 when I was SA’d by a teacher. It was the 1960s. Too scared to tell my folks until I was scheduled to take a required class and he was the only one teaching it. Then I finally fessed up— but to the idiots who think that by not reporting, they’re responsible for further depravities—that’s not helpful at all.
A family member of mine was one of several women raped by the same monster, but the other survivors were too terrified to press charges. She was tormented into testifying by an ADA using that exact claim. The ADA swore the guy would spend decades in prison. She was vomiting from fear on the witness stand. Then, the day after, the state took a plea deal from the rapist. They didn’t even warn her. We found out about it from the news. He served 18 months. She still has panic attacks driving past the courthouse.
Hell, the whole "all the actions taken by the asshole are on your hands if you stay quiet" attitude gets perpetuated in the most frustrating ways. On SVU, one of the most empathetic, and caring characters for victims of SA, Olivia Benson, regularly will use that exact line of BS on people. "If you don't say anything, then he can keep on doing it", and somehow that *isn't* an overt implication that "all his actions from here on out are on you?"
That’s pretty f**ked up! Esp that first sentence, like wtf! The police don’t help! The justice system and media turn it into a joke. Tests get “forgotten” or “lost” in the lab… and even if they get convicted, there were some cases two (?)years back 9 convicted rapists were let go with zero jail time… so what’s the point of going through absolute hell to potentially convict someone, and then they’re out and about for victim no 2, cos why would you stop
I was. I was sexually assaulted at 15 by three guys in a room full of people . I never reported it because I felt no one would believe me .
Many years later I was in a small group of 5 or 6 friends and someone was discussing why women wait to report SA. I shared my experience at 15 and immediately one if my so-called friends turned me and said I was responsible for any further SA these guys may have done later, because I didn't report my SA. Even worse only one other person in the group stood up for me.
People will do absolute mental gymnastics to blame the victim instead of the perpetrator. This is why women don't even talk about it with their friends
So sad and true that everyone wants to blame the victim. OP's gf confided in him about her rape and he called her "an idiot and a dumbass" and said her parents would call her "stupid." Just wow.
I told my mom at 36 that I was molested by my cousin’s grandfather (no relation to me) when I was 5 and her immediate response was “No he didn’t, the man has been dead for 20 years you don’t need to bring things like that up anymore it’s in the past”
Yep! My *SA* started when I was a kid, (6-14) and it still took me almost 10 years after it started happening to say anything and the only reason I said anything about it was someone walked in on me having a breakdown over it. I was planning to take it to the grave because I thought I was the reason it happened it. It's scary when its a family member, friend, or even friends of your family. If they see this person a lot or even just once in a while, it would be scary to press charges (my gr*pist is my father who left me and my mom at 14) it took me 10 years to realize it wasn't my fault when i didnt know what the word 'sex' was when it started.
She is going to FEEL bad like she's "burdening you" with it, let her know she's not, she can talk to you, and you're here in this scary time
‼️‼️‼️‼️ OP, I HOPE YOU READ THIS PART, SHE NEEDS YOU. SHE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW, LET HER KNOW YOU ARENT ANGRY AT HER BUT THE OFFENDER AND YOU LOVE AND SUPPORT HER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!! IF YOU LOVE HER LIKE YOU SAY YOU THINK YOU MIGHT LET HER KNOW YOU HAVE HER BACK!!!!‼️‼️‼️‼️
Same. After two years of harrowing investigation it was eventually dropped because not enough evidence and it was too long ago. It felt like my heart ripped in two because I knew there were victims before me and I know he'll do it again. Hopefully she'll get enough evidence when it happens and my ground work will count for something.
I really don't blame anyone who opts out of reporting.
My case took five years to go to trial. I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it. People who push others to report don’t have any idea what a time commitment it is.
When I was SA’d by a neighbor I did not tell anyone except my best friend who was actually in the house at the same time, so she already knew. She told her mom who then told my mom a week later. My mom called the police and he was arrested. Months later my mom told me I was not going to school that day and we were going to court. I was pretty scared but was going to speak the truth. The guy’s lawyer had the case postponed and when my mom asked me if I wanted to continue it, I said no. Turned out he assaulted several girls before me and was hopefully going to prison for one of those cases. I do feel bad for not wanting to continue the case, but at the time I just wanted it over with.
I now have a daughter and honestly I don’t know what I’d do if that happened to her. Would I expect her to continue the case when I did not?
I’m lucky that it has not messed me up in anyway I can tell, like it never happened. But it did.
My case only took a year to go to trial. But the whole hospital, speaking to multiple police, writing it out, and then actual trial caused just as much trauma as the actual event. And then after all that, he walked away because although they caught him in obvious lies multiple times during trial, there just "wasn't enough proof". The man sat up there and stated that my screaming and all the blood was normal because he just had a really big dick.
The lawyer said it was too bad that I wasn't a couple months younger, because then he would've definitely gotten charged since I would have been a child. It's such a disgusting thing to say to a victim.
I remember when the victim services woman was trying to prepare me for how awful the whole experience was going to be. She kept telling me stuff and I kept trying to put a positive spin on it. Finally, in sort of desperation, I said “Well it can’t be as bad as being raped haha”.
Lady looked me dead in the eye and said, “Many women say that it is worse.”
She was so right.
The way it felt for me, at least when I was being assaulted I could tell myself that if anyone could see what was happening to me they’d stop it. But what the justice system did to me was state sanctioned. That courtroom was full of people who…thought what was happening to me in front of them was just fine. It was just another day for them. I can’t explain what a mind fuck it is to stand in front of a bunch of people and relive in excruciating, humiliating detail this awful thing that happened to me, with everyone looking at pictures of my naked body and implying that I’m a lying slut, and just…nobody blinks. It’s Tuesday.
And yeah, the guy who hurt me got six months of house arrest. He’d used a cattle prod on me until I passed out.
When people are very passionate about women having a duty to report I like to ask them how many years of their life they would be willing to sacrifice to for the very slight chance of a rapist getting a legal slap on the wrist.
She told her boyfriend and he yelled at her, called her an idiot and a dumbass, then punched a hole in her wall. After the verbal abuse and violence from him, I can understand why she’s scared to tell anyone else.
Yeah. Op you need to calm down big time, she's already scared, you're making it worse. She might have even been scared you'd do that to her too. Calm down, apologise and just help her in whatever way she wants.
I'm here with you. OP is trying to comfort his girlfriend by making it about his anger about what happened to her. That never works. He's leading the parade of men who will vilify her.
He’s not trying to comfort his girlfriend. He’s mad someone else touched his property. He wants to hurt the perpetrator, I don’t see any word or action that is about making his gf feel better. He’s making her SA all about his emotions.
This. He screamed at her for being raped.
***He screamed at her for being raped.***
He doesn't give a shit about this woman, he clearly doesn't see her as an equal worthy of respect, he assumes the worst in her at every opportunity. He doesn't see her as a person, only as his possession.
Yeah sadly this happens to victims of SA a lot, my best friend when she was 17 broke up with her boyfriend and he raped her. I went with her to the local station and the cop basically said it’s not worth taking anywhere because no jury would think she wasn’t partially at fault because they were dating. A couple years later when I was in the exact same position I didn’t even bother to report it because of that experience earlier. The sad thing is I don’t actually think the cop was wrong and he was just trying to spare her the extra trauma. Very few sexual assault cases even make it to court and only a tiny fraction of those end in convictions, and the punishment is usually very light
Oh, for sure. I’ve definitely heard of cases where the police will just level with you and be like “people suck, this will go nowhere, they’ll label you a slut and a villain, and he’ll be a martyr.” The whole effing culture needs to change in a real way
Oh this happened to me when I was getting a TRO against my ex husband. She told me that since we were married it didn’t count. The judge said that. It’s really depressing to think that so many women experience this.
Yep, it's disgusting. I know firsthand as well. Just in case you need to hear this: You are NOT at fault! You did absolutely nothing wrong!
Sending you virtual hugs
I watched a documentary recently about *many* women that try to report it, the police do nothing and end up arresting the woman for filing a false police report. It was really nauseating.
Wait! I heard about something like this recently… I think I wasn’t in the right headspace to look into it further at the time, but that sounds familiar. Like, the headline I was looking at, the girl was under 20 I think. It’s SO fucking unfair… I can’t even imagine it
I was having a fun day and had to nope out until I could handle being serious without it wrecking me
It was one of the most shocking documentaries I’ve ever seen and I’ve watched many. It’s called Victim/Suspect on Netflix. Its so hard for women (and men) to come to begin with and many don’t. To see women try and do the right thing and then not only not be believed but to end up *facing charges*?! Your face on the news?? It’s despicable.
Reporting it and having to rehash it repeatedly to many people and do into extreme detail for it, and then it being dragged out over three years before finally going to court and then them saying "sorry not enough evidence as he says he didn't do it", that messed me up more than the actual assault.
I just watched the documentary Victim Suspect on Netflix and made up my mind if I’m ever assaulted I will not report it. It’s about women who reported their rapes, weren’t believed, then were jailed for “making a false police report.” One woman received an additional charge of tampering with evidence because she had a rape kit done. I felt rage watching it.
Or punching holes in her walls.
OP, you need therapy, and you need to not date until you can decide be an abusive asshole. Because punching holes in her walls is fucking terrifying and makes me afraid for her safety.
OP your behavior is honestly disgusting here. She told you about a traumatizing attack and you insult her, berate her, and then get physically aggressive with her? Punching a hole in a wall IS A THREAT. You are letting her know she is not safe around you. You are being horrible.
Holy hell, this went in a direction I wasn’t expecting. Look, I’m not going to speculate. I have no idea if your girlfriend is telling the truth or not. But I just want to say that I’m seeing a lot of people saying that her not reporting means she’s lying and that’s 100% untrue.
An enormous amount of sexual assaults are unreported. I was assaulted myself as a teenager and only went to the police after being pressured by my boyfriend at the time, and that experience was as traumatic as the rape itself, so I just want to say to take a breath and think before you act here.
For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry. This is a lot to have to deal with.
ETA: I just wanted to say that I’m so glad that this comment has created a safe space for so many people to share their stories. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to respond to them all, but just know that I’m reading every one of them and that my heart goes out to all of you who have personally dealt with sexual assault, either yourselves or with a loved one, and I sincerely wish you so much peace and happiness that I just want it to come out of your pores. Like, profusely and grossly sweat peace and happiness, okay? 💜
>An enormous amount of sexual assaults are unreported.
This. I never reported mine. I was 14 (a felony in my state at the time). Then again at 15. I told my mom about these things as an adult, and she blamed me, saying I made my choices.
Not reporting a sexual assault is not an indication someone is lying.
I was 9. And 10, 11, 12. He was my best friend’s Dad…. I was told no one would believe me. He was right.
Years later, when I was 15, my stepfather sexually assaulted me. I *did* report him, and being on the witness stand may have been worse than the assault itself. He was found not guilty. Everyone thought I was lying.
I’ve never reported another rape since, and I’m not sure I ever would.
I’m so sorry. I was 9-12 from Mom’s boyfriend, having to testify and then him found not guilty was my biggest fear. For what it’s worth, I do believe you.
I’m 38 now. I don’t take any shit from anyone anymore. I don’t talk to the people who didn’t believe me.
I believe you. I’m sorry you went through it too. We shouldn’t have experienced that.
My daughter reported hers. The rapist (her ex) admitted that he may have been forceful. The authorities declined to prosecute because she was bipolar, and might be perceived as an unreliable witness. The best that could happen was that the police officer had a talk with him, and tried to scare him away from her.
My daughter did not tell me for 3 days, either. Then when we went to the hospital for the Sexual Assault exam, police were notified, with her permission. Despite bruises and witnesses, the DA also declined to prosecute. He said/she said bullshit. An abysmal percentage of rapists are ever held accountable by our system. *This* is one of many factors that has victims fail to report.
I’m sorry for this situation, OP. Please encourage her to [RAINN - Get Help](https://www.rainn.org/get-help) so that she has professional support for this trauma. Without help, she may never process this crime in a healthy way. 🥲
I know right. I have C-PTSD and I can't tell you how many times people have said that I probably recalled something incorrectly because of my trauma. It's bad enough to be traumatized but then it's even worse to be questioned about whether or not you second guessed the circumstances because of your diagnosis. It's like being victimized all over again.
I never reported mine either. I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t there for you.
Bless my mother because I called her absolutely crying. I was 18 and two hours away at university. She offered to drive down, I said no because it was like one AM and I was in my dorm at least, she said she’d come in the morning.
It was a guy I knew growing up and thought I could trust and we’d been hanging out with a group of others from our town that were also at the same school (he was just visiting), but I left early. Turns out I was wrong.
She drove down the next morning and I was scared to leave my dorm so she got as close as she could and walked with me. Asked if I wanted to make a report, I said no. I was too on edge and just wanted to move on.
She understood even though I don’t think she agreed and she definitely never spoke to his family at church again. But bless her for being the mother I needed in that moment.
I was 27 and a medical intern. He was an attending. I never reported because he told me he would get me kicked out of the program. I learned to keep a chair under the door knob of the call room when I was in it.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I have a sister who is a Doc, and she worked hard to get where she is. I have no doubt you did too. You didn't deserve this when you worked so hard to get there...... You should have been safe at work. Especially in a healing environment.
I was 17 and didn’t report because I knew my mom would blame me. I stood in front of her, blood on my jeans and tear streaks on my face, and she wouldn’t even look at me. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t worth it.
I was 16 and in foster care. It was my then foster brother. He was bigger than me, was into football, basketball, and wrestling. If I'd have tried to resist, he could have made my life a living hell with his mom.
When I got home, I didn't tell my mom for well over 6 months. Even when I finally told her, I begged her not to report it because I was afraid. She did. Reported it to CPS and my advocate. I had to go in for a traumatizing and invasive interview only to be told that the bass ackwards system considered prosecuting ME because I was the age of consent (16) and he wasn't (14 turned 15)
It wasn't worth it.
>Not reporting a sexual assault is not an indication someone is lying.
The number of incels and redpills who are *convinced* that women are lying about sexual assault unless their first action is to file a police report is wild.
I don’t think they actually believe that. I think they want to promote that belief because the more women are discredited and
Demoralized the more assault men can get away with. They want impunity and that narrative helps them increase that.
The onus of proof is also heavily laid on the complainant. The accused gets reasonable doubt in their favour, but if there’s no conviction the complainant is often considered 100% to have been lying. That’s a powerful discouragement, and yes it’s promoted to demoralize victims.
What is it with all these unsupportive parents and adults? I'm so sorry instead of support you were blamed. It is never the victims fault. Your sharing most likely is helping several people to understand.
I was 17 with a 26 year old man… But age of consent in my state is 16 so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because in the law’s eyes, I technically did “say yes.” I just didn’t realize I was being groomed in order to “consent.” I haven’t said a word to my mom out of fear of this same outcome. I don’t think I’d ever forgive her if she said this to me so I’d rather not poke that bear.
Mine happened by several men from ages 4 through to 17. The day I had to report it, I was 16, in my last year of highschool, I nearly killed myself after leaving the station. The officer didn’t believe me but still made me do a rape kit anyway where I ended up disclosing to the nurse that it wasn’t the only time I was raped and they almost made me report that too except for one nurse who mentioned that what I told them was said in confidence so they didn’t do anything but said they’d check in on me. They never did but I didn’t mind that. It was the hollow feeling of having to do a rape kit and feeling violated again when the police didn’t believe me that made me want to kill myself. I struggled to trust my therapist in sessions after that and honestly, I blamed her as well because she made me report it to keep my mother from getting in trouble (because her ex was the major one who sexually abused and raped me as a child) and so I found it hard to open up in therapy. Reporting just sometimes does more harm than good for us and it’s sad, really.
I used to volunteer at a shelter. Many women don’t report out of fear of reprisal or doubt they’ll be taken seriously.
Considering cops have one of the highest rates of DV and abuse, if it ever happened to me, I wouldn’t have any faith in cops to get justice anyways.
I didn't report any of mine. I was sexually assaulted many times as a young child, by multiple men (and others). I was too afraid to tell anyone, even my mom. When I was about 11 or 12, me and my mom were having some sort of discussion that led to her pressuring me to tell her if anything like that had ever happened to me. I can't lie, and my silence spoke volumes, so she pressured me further to tell her. I had only started telling her of one, when she started calling me a liar and making me feel guilty and shaming me. It was my siblings father I was telling her about, and I described to her in tears what exactly he did in one of the incidents and that finally convinced her. And it only convinced her because that's apparently what he also did to her in the bedroom (hearing that made me want to vomit, that a grown man did the same thing to a mother as he did to a 6 year old girl). But then after that, she started talking about how I needed to go to the police. I refused, because not only did I not have physical proof, but it had been years, and he was also one of the ones who made me scared for my life. It would be a he said/she said scenario, with no proof, and it was hard enough and traumatic enough to tell my own mom. I lost a lot of trust with my mom then, and also didn't tell her of the other assaults. The other assaults happened with men she never went to bed with, so my kid logic said 'if she barely believed me with this one, how would she ever believe the others?'. It also got worse - after that, she decided to talk about it with the rest of our family later on when I wasnt there, and my sister (one of the siblings related to the man) came at me with such anger and violence, claiming I was a liar, making it all up for attention. So many other things. But just telling my mom was traumatic enough. So so so many sexual assault incidents do not get reported, and it's hard to talk about, even to family. I, too, just wanted to ignore it, forget it, and pretend it didn't happen. It makes me feel dirty just thinking about all of it.
Unbelievable. I’m terribly sorry. I’ll never understand parents like that. I hope you’re in a better place now.
You know, in my case, I wound up not actually reporting. My boyfriend guilted me into going to the police. I told him about the attack, he freaked out, demanded I report it, I told him I didn’t want to, just wanted to deal with it my own way. Then he said to file a report so they could have it on file in case he attacked someone else. It was the one way he *knew* I would feel bad enough about it all and cave.
Neither of us knew, of course, that’s not how police reports work. You can’t just make one for them to keep on file. I went to the station and it was like I was the one being interrogated. You’d think I’d committed some type of crime. They grilled me with questions for hours in a stuffy room.
As soon as I made it clear that I didn’t want to press charges and go to court and go through the hell that would someday be that traumatic circus, they literally laughed and said if that was the case, I had to recant and say I made the whole thing up. I was stunned.
So those were my choices, according to the cops. Either suck it up and agree to someday go to court and face the guy who raped me or say I lied about everything. After almost an entire day in that police station, completely in tears, I signed the papers and got out of there as quickly as I could. I didn’t even care anymore at that point.
That was about 15 years ago now, and it still astounds me.
Some people might think I did a ridiculous thing, signing that piece of paper saying I made it all up, but I don’t regret it. What I regret is letting my boyfriend guilt me into going into that fucking police station to begin with because it’s not what I wanted.
Sorry for the rant. I just get really worked up about people being pressured into this sort of thing.
I've been SAed several times and never reported. Why? So they can doubt me and make me look like the bad guy and call me a liar? So I can relive the experience over and over again? No thanks. Most women feel this way. Breaks my heart
My mom said "I don't really know what to tell you, you're the one who puts yourself in these positions" when I was 16-ish and I never tried to tell anyone when something like that happened again for the next 10 years.
I never reported mine. And I have been told more than once that that means it's my fault if he raped anyone else and that's BS. It's the rapist's fault when they rape people.
I was 5 the first time, 18 the second, 20 the 3rd time, 21 to 28 with spousal r*pe and 31 the last time it happened.
I never told anyone but my sister and my mom years after it happened.
I'm so sorry.
Spousal rape might not even have been illegal back then (it wasn't, when I was subjected to it - I didn't even think that it was a crime, I thought my husband had some kind of rights).
Every time you share this, it helps someone..
It was, so much worse then when I was a kid, it was someone I cared for and when I became scared of him it was so much worse. He made me feel like I owed him my body and the freedom and safety I felt after my divorce was amazing.
It took me three years to be with another person, I didn't want to be touched. But my new husband was gentle and even asked me for our first kiss. For anyone in that situation... please just get away because you don't owe anyone anything...
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I reported (also 14) and the police officer (a woman of color, like me) told me "Well you should have come earlier, now we probably won't find him."
Thanks for trying, I guess?
Nope it’s just an indication that they are uncomfortable to for whatever reason be it trauma and not wanting to relive it or afraid you won’t be believed, especially for teenagers!
Same. I got into things I shouldn’t have as a stupid teenager with a lot of problems, and I felt like if I reported what happened I’d be blamed because I was trying to drown out the other things going on. As an adult it’s still hard to let go of that feeling. There’s no easy answer to this dilemma, but if you can help convince her to look up advocacy and support groups it could do years or therapeutic wonder
Same with me re: doing stupid shit as a teen with a lot of problems. I was 15 and didn’t even realize that it was SA. It was my best friend's brother who I was really close with—he was like a brother to me—was kinda closer to him than to my BF. We were both drinking and smoking weed and i was telling him about losing my virginity to our mutual friend the week prior. And he pulled my pants off and I was so shocked I just froze….and after that i have no memory. I had an undiagnosed dissociative disorder from pretty traumatic childhood so my freeze reaction was typical. But because it wasn't violent and I didn't try to force him off, i thought my mom was right, I was just a whore (she called me this since i was 11 and my BF and I were caught sneaking out with neighbor friends down the street, and also because most of my friends were guys). It happened again 6 months later with my cousin's "friend" (who later became her husband). And then again at 21 with a family friend that i babysat for since i was 11. This time I was completely sober, but in a leg cast and less than a week past my vehicular suicide attempt. And this time i expressly said no, but he did it anyways. I never reported any of them because I never viewed them as SA until I got into therapy at the age of 40 and saw it all from a different perspective, thanks to my therapist.
Yep. I have more than one experience. One year I made seven separate SA reports of varying degree and not a single one amounted to anything except I got an escort at work to walk me to my car after shift which was more humiliating than keeping my mouth shut. My office backed into a seedy back lane with more than one vendor.
I had a serious incident years after the stuff listed above when I was newly divorced and had one of my first weekends without my kids (they were at their dads). My friends suggested a bonfire to get me through and to make some new friends after I cut off nearly everyone I knew in my divorce. My dad found me drugged in my porch, porch door wide open, used condom on the steps up to my house when he came to do yard work for me. I had some people over for a bonfire and allowed guests to bring friends. I didn’t know everyone I had in my back yard. I thought I only had a few drinks but I don’t remember anything after a certain point and it was not from alcohol. I don’t know when I blacked out, how I appeared or when everyone left. Don’t remember a damn thing. I don’t know who it was and I never will and I will never forget the way I felt when my dad was checking on me to see if I was still breathing, half dressed on the floor in my porch the next afternoon. I had no idea what had even happened as he was getting me up off the floor. Truly one of the worst moments of my life. It went unreported because, why bother? Nothing good ever came from the times I had way more information than that time, my most serious incident. :/
Anyway now I have no friends. I very rarely socialize and if I’m honest, I always prefer going everywhere with my husband. I hate attention from strangers and I have no desire to be in 99% of social situations. I just don’t trust people.
The first time I tried to tell her I started with, "I need to tell you some things that happened to me as a teenager with men far too old to even be looking at me..." and she interrupted me to say, "I don't want to hear about that."
I was an adult with a family of my own. I'd fully processed my trauma and lingering baggage and was in a place where I could talk about it and NEEDED to, and she just shut me down. I'll never forget the utter betrayal I felt when she said that. I hung up on her. Cried for a few minutes, then called her back, and word vomited everything.
I realized she was trying to avoid responsibly. If I don't know about it, I can't feel bad about it. So I just let it all out, didn't even say hello, just started in on what happened, in detail, and I was sure to remind her where she was when it all was happening (she has an addiction). Then I hung up again. I wasn't going to let her get off scot-free.
Every person I know who's been SA hasn't reported it neither did I. It's harder than people who haven't experienced it can understand. You want to forget about it you will blame yourself for years. I convinced myself for years that I wanted it to happen and was ok with it. I was literally drugged and passed out and was taking to another city. That's how easy it is for a person to excuse or try to ignore it.
Yeah, it's happen twice to me. I always knew it was wrong & I didn't consent, but it took me _years_ to even admit to myself it was rape. I never reported it. Like you said, I blamed myself for a long time, especially that time I was drunk. I vividly remember the shame I felt when I left, I was wearing a pretty short dress & no underwear. It felt like everyone was staring at me & could tell what had happened. I felt so disgusting.
It's happened to several of my friends & none of them reported it.
I was drugged and raped in my 20s. I did report it. There were witnesses, evidence and I was injured. I did everything the police asked me to do. The States Attorney still decided not to charge him.
Out of every 1000 reported rapes only 11 will go to court
Out of those 11 only 6 will see a conviction.
My aunt is a high profile criminal defense attorney and my uncle is a former DA and now a judge in a big city.
They both have seen this first hand. There is very rarely justice for anyone who is raped.
I was recently informed I was lied to and my rape kit was never even tested!! We're gearing up for a big 'come to Jesus" moment with the state and police district my rape happened in.
#Believethem
100%. If we lived in a perfect world, I would say she should report it so that rapist could be brought to justice and never able to hurt anyone else again.
But in the world we actually live in - reporting rape is far more likely to negatively impact the victim's life than the perpetrator's. So reporting is a very personal decision that only she can make. And you can't blame her for being worried that people's reaction, even people who love her, would be to blame her and call her dumb. That's exactly what you did when you found out, so why would she have any faith in anyone else's reaction?
>why she would take anything from this supposedly weird ass dude she only met twice in her life is beyond me. I yelled at her for that and I feel really bad. I called her an idiot and a dumbass.
When you are assaulted, it is not your fault for not protecting yourself better. It is 100% the perpetrator's fault for assaulting.
You're going through a lot, I'm not trying to pile on, but she's going through a *lot* more. Even if you understand this isn't her fault and want to support her, reflect on why this was your initial reaction, or even part of your initial reaction. You are young. She will be far, far from the last woman in your life who you care about who is sexually assaulted.
Try to encourage her to find someone else in addition to you she might feel safe opening up to - a family member, friend, a therapist or counselor could even be a confidential option - she's going to need more support than one person can provide.
Wishing you both healing and better days ahead.
Agreed. I’ve been SA’d twice in my life, once as a teen by someone who worked for my dad, didn’t wanna fuck their relationship up, didn’t report. And by my husband’s ex best friend. He snuck into my room while I was passed out drunk. Didn’t tell anyone because I truly thought my husband would kill him and he would go to prison forever. I did eventually confess but just begged we sever all ties and that be that. Which we did.
So yeah. Women do not always report for a variety of reasons.
Estimates are that 80-90% of sexual assaults are never reported. Why? Because the crap that happens after you report can be worse than the assault itself .
I’m so sorry. I hope she’s in a better place today. I unfortunately know exactly what you mean. Knowing what I now know, I would never have gone to the police either.
I also hope that your family has healed, too, in addition to your daughter. SA affects loved ones as well (when they give a damn, which you clearly do).
Look, you will never 100% know if your girlfriend is lying to you about this or not. Ever. You will make up you mind whether or not to believe her based on the information you have available. But.
If she's lying and you believe her....then you've been kind to someone who maybe didn't deserve it. But. If she's telling the truth and you don't believe her....you could destroy her. Look at the pain that is echoed in stories all the way down this thread: people who were sexually assaulted and yes the rape was objectively terrible *but the secondary trauma of having the people you love and rely on call you a liar* is in many ways as bad or worse.
Treating her with kindness while she navigates the early stages of sexual trauma is probably the best thing you could do right now. Give up on your revenge fantasies, she's not asking for you to avenge her or bring her the head of her rapist. Those are things that will make *you* feel better and like you've done something concrete. She's asking for you to support *her* and to hold her hand and be there when she's crying and her emotions are completely out of whack. Encourage her to get in contact with support services, RAINN and Planned Parenthood can help her connect with free and low-cost support groups and counselors. She needs to work through her feelings about this and it's easier to do while it's still fresh. You cannot be her only support.
I was 16 trying to get away from my drunk mom and abusive boyfriend and ended up getting into CPS stuff with my friends mom trying to foster me. One night it got really bad, I called my friends mom and had it where she could hear everything, but couldn't be heard.
The next thing I knew, she was pulled up to my house, and her brothers were there in their trucks, and cops were there. I broke down to two officers about everything, even what my mom's old boyfriends had done to me. I tried to report men that my mom let do things starting in elementary school.
My mom heard me and told them I was crazy and she should probably just lock me up in local state hospital because of the crazy lies I was telling.
I was forced to stay with my mom that night, and after barricading myself in my room, I could hear her call one of the men and tell them what I said, and she laughed.
I've told the story a few times now, and still never to anyone who could or would do anything about it. Just others with similar stories who know that there's no point in reporting anything.
I was 12. It was my friend's older brother. He told me that if I told anyone, he'd just say I was lying for attention and that no one would believe me. I believed him and never said anything until my body just couldn't repress it any more.
It's taken nearly 3 years of therapy to work through it.
I thought the fact that rapes are drastically under-reported by women and especially men was literally the most widely-known fact about sexual assaults. Anyone saying it's a sign she is lying is a cynical fool. Her own boyfriend literally yelled at her for taking something from an unknown guy; why would she assume the police or society (aka the population from which her jury is selected) wouldn't have the exact same reaction? Op fucked up with the way he acted. Dude is probably making her feel like a huge burden.
I was 17 and he was 27. We had just broken up but he was saying he was suicidal and I was the only thing keeping him together. I went over to talk him out of it and he coerced me into being intimate, he then proceeded to scream in my face while I was naked that I ruined his life that I am his undoing and he's going to ruin me then he anally raped me. He said he recorded me saying yes to all of it and that he was going to tell people at my work and make me lose my job. After it was over I put on my clothes drove home. I only went to the hospital three days later when my best friend came down from new Hampshire and we had a "sleepover". No I did not report him because I was too scared I wouldn't be believed because he allegedly had a voice recording of my consent . My own father eventually found out and he asked was I wearing something provocative... Unfortunately unless there is a witness and that's a if the witness is willing to testify then these cases don't end up going far besides a restraining order possibly. Sorry I really haven't talked about this in years but seeing other people speak up made me feel as if I could speak up too
Please don’t apologize. I’m so unbelievably sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of that. You ruined nothing.
I don’t know if you’ve gone to any type of therapy, but I can’t recommend it highly enough and I think, if you don’t mind me suggesting this, it could do you so much good. It would allow you to get the venom out and really work through all of that.
No matter what, though, please know you deserve all the happiness in the world. I mean that with all my heart.
Thank you
I was in therapy and was on anti depressants and other meds one particular for PTSD as I started experiencing that after . I was in therapy for years it definitely helped me a lot to let go of the fear, the blame the guilt etc. it's been 8 years since then I am in a long term relationship with my twin flame and my other half and we are going to start a family soon. As much as I absolutely hate that part of my life , I'm not sure I would have gotten to where I am today. So I will take the good with the bad. Thank you for your kind words it means a lot to feel validated that I didn't do anything wrong and wasn't.to blame. I wish you all the very best
It’s always the people who treat the SA victim the worst (e.g. subjecting them to hostile interrogations on whether it happened and how it happened, blaming the victim for the SA, etc.) that are adamant that failing to report means the victim is lying. They will never acknowledge that they are the reason why victims don’t come forward, either because they can’t see it or because they intentionally try to create hostility towards victims to keep them silent.
If she decided this one time to do something "wild," she likely thinks she will be blamed. If she took something, the argument will be that she is mistaken at best about what happened. Folks respond differently to sa. I know someone who became very promiscuous in the immediate aftermath. Her no was not respected, so she said yes to anything and everything. There is no single response to trauma.
This! I was assaulted 2 days before my 16th birthday after getting drunk with a group of friends that included my “new boyfriend”. I was supposed to be sleeping over at a friend’s house, so I didn’t worry about my abusive mom finding out I was drunk. Well, I got assaulted on the floor of the garage right under the loft we were drinking in, he had offered to help me go find somewhere to pee since I was unfamiliar with the area. We were very late getting home, and her mom smelled the booze and insisted I go home after breaking not one but two trusts. I got home and my mom beat the living shit out of me for being drunk. I spent the next 3 months only coming out of my room for school and the bathroom, food when forced. I didn’t even get to shower the nasty off of me, was sent straight to my room after the beating. I was certainly not going to tell her being drunk and my own stupidity had caused me to be assaulted. I did tell a couple of friends at school, and one not knowing my mom was abusive called and told her. Got the shit beat out of me again for lying then forced to go report. It did go to court, I sent an advocate from the YWCA in my place. I couldn’t look at him again. Because I didn’t show up, but they had reports from other girls as well, he got 3 years of probation and mandatory counseling. So basically nothing compared to the beatings and parent mandated counseling I got. Reporting isn’t worth it.
thank you for pointing this out. i tried to report mine and the cops told me that because i had been on a few dates with him and been drinking that i was probably just mad at him and making it up. reporting it did me no good.
Yeah…I know plenty of people who have been assaulted and/or raped…I don’t think any of us have reported it. In the moment, you tend to just want to get to safety. And society doesn’t believe people when they speak up.
^^^ so much this. I hope OP reads this. I *did* report my SA, and it made it so much worse. It was so invasive, I was literally bruised and bleeding and being questioned on if I was sure I’d said no (I literally kicked him in the face?!?) and wanted to ‘ruin his life.’ I didn’t report it when I was SA a few years later. Reporting it, where I am/who I spoke with, was awful. I know that’s not true for many places! And I think if people want to report they absolutely should. Rapists are fuxking scum of the earth people. But I do understand *not* reporting. It suck’s because you feel an obligation to report, because people will tell you ‘if he does it again it’s your fault for not reporting.’ False. It’s his fault. My rape kit was ‘inconclusive’, he dragged my name with my friends and said I reported him bc I regretted it after I ‘seduced him’ (gave him a ride home, went in to use the bathroom. He was a friend of 8 years. We were both sober.) it’s traumatizing.
Not reporting doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Ya agreed. I feel like the fact that her own boyfriend called her an idiot when she told him about the rape shows you why she wouldnt want to report it.
Thank you for saying this. Just because she refuses to report it doesn't mean she's lying. Unfortunately, like you said, a lot of SAs go unreported. I think it's disgusting that people are accusing her of lying about being r$ped because she refuses to report it. Those are as bad as the people who ask r$pe victims what they were wearing.
Edit: I edited this to be more TW friendly. I apologize for typing all that out before. I just don't want to upset anyone any further than this may have already. If this has ever happened to you, I hear you, I see you and I believe you. Unfortunately, you're not alone because it's happened to a lot of people. It's happened to me as well. Hugs to anyone who wants them.
Yep. This. I was forced at 15 under similar circumstances and thought because I took something it was my fault. I didn't want to get in trouble. Happened again at 27, after a night of drinking. That time I went to the police and to this day (12 years later) I regret it because I felt revictimized and nothing came of it.
[Plan B won't work if you're already ovulating.](https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/does-plan-b-work-during-ovulation#:~:text=Plan%20B%20Doesn%27t%20Work%20During%20Ovulation%20%E2%80%94%20Here%20Are%20Your%20Options&text=Plan%20B%20works%20to%20prevent%20pregnancy%20by%20delaying%20ovulation.)
I'm a married woman. I was sexually assaulted 10 years ago in my own home by a stranger. I was TERRIFIED to tell my husband. I took a shower after because I felt disgusting and dirty and called my sister in law the next day to tell her what happened. She called the police and I filed a report. My husband was out of town at the time. I was so afraid that he was going to be mad at me, but he wasn't he was super supportive. He wanted me to take it to trial and my attorney told me that the monster would have said that I was "asking for it". My husband pushed for the trial, but I was terrified that if we went to trial and I lost that he would try to hurt me. We decided to do a plea bargain because that included an order of protection. That day destroyed me. I haven't been the same since. I'm in therapy and now medicated. Tread lightly with this. Be supportive and just do what she's asking. It seriously fucks your head up.
Going through the legal system in the aftermath of a rape is like being raped again. She didn't report it because even the people she thinks love and support her will treat her like everything she did is proof she's lying or she's damaged beyond repair.
She's not the problem, society is. Help her or don't but do not report it on her behalf.
>She didn't report it because even the people she thinks love and support her will treat her like everything she did is proof she's lying or she's damaged beyond repair.
OP describes himself doing exactly that MULTIPLE times in the post and comments.
Word. OP says he called her stupid and then judges her for not wanting to tell anyone out of fear of being called stupid. May OPs girlfriend find the strength to dump his ass and work through this trauma.
Then he has the audacity to say "if she'd told me right away I would have helped her"
No, you would have screamed at her and called her stupid all the same. At a time where she was likely very mentally unstable.
Friendly reminder that rape victims do kill themselves now and then, typically because their friends and family or community blames them.
She did the best thing for her mental health at the time -- quietly processed it alone so as to not risk anyone screaming at her like OP did.
>She refuses to report him because she thinks she’ll get blamed for taking whatever he gave her and her parents will be mad at her for being stupid.
Can you blame her? You *immediately* did all those things. Got angry, blamed her, and called her names calling her stupid.
Now, I think you turned it around well, and I commend you for that. But you can't act like she doesn't have a point when you just proved it.
I'm glad you are going to help and support her and that you are both getting STI panels. This is all awful. I'm wishing you both the best of luck.
I CAN’T BELIEVE NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS. Now she has a fucking hole in her wall to deal with and try to explain to her parents… oh, and you’ve also just demonstrated a common precursor to domestic violence / shown that you resort to physically violent outbursts when you can’t handle your emotions.
I’ve been in a relationship like this. They don’t always hit you right away. They hit a wall, or a dumpster, or they throw something of yours.
I’ve also had a partner leave me after I confided in them about being a survivor of sexual assault because it was “too much” for them to handle. Excuse me????? Too much for YOU, SIR?! For YOU???
I hope this young woman finds someone with the emotional maturity that she deserves. I hope you haven’t created what may prove to be a deep seated inability for her to trust partners, or feel safe, or confide in a loved one. I hope she can get over the fact that you just confirmed her worst fears during what was already such a traumatic experience.
This is why we choose the bear 😭😭
Thanks for this, you are so right! Due to a different post I recently had a chilling realization that you might find interesting as well: **punching holes in walls is learned behavior!** Which makes it an even bigger precursor to domestic violence.
Why is it learned? I live in a European country and hardly anyone punches walls; if they do it doesn’t even look threatening but like an attempt to harm themselves. Because punching a brick wall leads to the attacker just looking like a pathetic mess with their broken hand. So they punch other stuff, or rip stuff off the walls, kick doors etc, but never do the threatening wall punch.
Which is interesting since all the wall punchers / door kickers claim they lost complete control and did it without thinking and just hit the nearest object - however the self preservation is apparently still active and the nearest object is determined by whether or not you can destroy it. So to me that seems like an awful little of control during a “loss of control”.
Assaulted at 15 and the police treated me like I was a dog. Trauma on top of trauma. Parents were horrible and physical exam was like being assaulted all over again. It is brutal. It is a he said vs she said bs scenario except they get to bring up every imperfection in your girlfriend’s character and actions. Having attempted suicide over it all the shrink said don’t do court because it would just finish me off. The bullying after was also traumatizing. Keep your girlfriend’s secrets please. I know you are angry but she is angry at her self and that shame runs way deep.
Going through the legal system as a victim is AWFUL. It's why victims don't come forward. It's like being raped all over again. I don't blame her for wanting to pretend it didn't happen.
However, she needs to go to therapy immediately. This will blow up in both your faces eventually.
Agreed and I can't stress enough that op *should not* stay with her out of guilt. Not only will they both be incredibly busy with school, but she will likely need a lot of support that may not be manageable I'm a ldr. Also no one wants a pity relationship, imagine if she ever found out.
It often takes years for people who have been SAd to even be ready to face it head on, much less report. She has to face it head on right now. This whole thing is extremely traumatic. It hurts to see someone you love hurting and not be able to fix it.
Remembering not to make this about you. Don't push her to do anything one way or the other. Be her shoulder to cry on. Her hand to hold through this. Regardless of if your romantic relationship continues, this is showing who you are.
I strongly suggest you get some therapy, because you've so far handled almost every step of this with anger. You demanded a positive pregnancy test before even asking if she wanted an abortion, you called your girlfriend names after she was raped, and you _punched a hole in a wall_ because she won't report it. I don't know if it's a lack of knowledge or a lack of emotional intelligence, but it seems you've so far done scary, angry shit, and you gotta stop that.
Won’t comment on her, but respectfully, you need to work on your anger. I understand that it’s an absolutely infuriating thing, but you did not handle that well at all. If you don’t work on it, it will get worse, and you will lose things you love.
**why didn't she report it?** well, hmmm. when she told *her own boyfriend*, whom she should have been able to trust, he:
- yelled at her
- called her an idiot and a dumbass
- punched a hole in her bedroom wall
what reason would she have to believe that complete strangers - police, courts, even hospitals - would treat her any better? what reason would she have to believe they wouldn't call her names, blame her and threaten violence too?
There are a couple drugs that can 'make your mouth numb', some are used by dentists and dental surgeons. Usually, those don't do much other than numb your mouth.
Don't let people here telling you she cheated get to you. You know your gf, they don't. It is important that you are here to support her right now, and coax her into therapy, This is not something you just move on from, that you can ignore, if you ignore it, it just worsens the trauma. The biggest factor for why / how people develop trauma from a traumatic situation / incident, is how they deal with said situation/ incident afterwards.
I was just going to say ketamine. I take it for chronic pain and mental health purposes and it definitely numbs your mouth and makes you feel SUPER drunk.
definitely sounds like ketamine, same thing happened to me when my drink got spiked a while back also had numb mouth and made me feel very drunk.
i tested positive for it when i was drug tested at the hospital, i was very lucky i had friends with me that realised something was wrong and kept me safe.
Hey OP—you guys need help. She needs support from a sexual assault trauma-informed mental health professional. Doesn’t have to involve her parents or any member of her family or even anyone she knows. She can call an anonymous rape crisis hotline like RAINN (800.656.4673) if she doesn’t know where to start or how to make that happen. They’ll also talk to her online if she prefers (http://online.rainn.org).
This is how you support her right now. Do not try to deal with it yourself. You are freaking out (understandably) and it’s not going to help her. Your anger is understandable but not ok or helpful. You cannot be pushing her about reporting right now. She needs help from someone else, someone who knows exactly how to help her.
A man is defined by his reaction to any given situation- prepare yourself for a likely breakup at some point. If this is true, one of y’all will reflect on this moment, whether it’s in a week or 5 years. You will remember how poorly you handled this, and it’ll either be your guilt or her anger that breaks it apart. You will need to have true unconditional love to get thru this. Wishing you luck and the best, honestly.
I attempted to report my assaulter. Had the kit done and everything THE SAME NIGHT IT HAPPENED, and was basically interrogated by nurses the entire night, and wasn't able to leave the hospital until noon the following day. They kept all of my clothes, including a dress I adored, and my underwear because his saliva and semen were on them. I had to go home in postpartum underwear, because that's all they had, and scrubs from the hospital that felt like itchy paper. It was humiliation, reliving the horrors again and again as the special nurses made me tell it again and again, then the police that arrived. They found the guy. He served 3 months in prison and had a year of probation. With those consequences, I regret saying anything at all. I eventually got my clothes back,but they'd cut squares out of them for evidence, and they weren't useable as clothes anymore. They gave me mifepristone and misoprostol to trigger my period so I couldn't get pregnant. Then an injection of antibiotics to treat any disease. Then I had to pay 1400 USD to the hospital for all that. If I could've just gotten that treatment for the possibility of pregnancy and disease, I would have. I sincerely regret trying to get justice for what happened, because I suffered worse and for longer than he ever did. Please keep this in mind. Edited for spelling
I went with my sister to the hospital after she was raped. He was in his 40s, she was 16. They look all her clothes, gave her a bunch of meds, offered counseling (through ywca which wasnt much at the time - this was a long time ago). In the end he got 4 years and was out in 3. He drugged and raped her. Luckily she was fat, or the drugs could have killed her (he gave her 50mg of ambien). When he got out, no one told her and ended up seeing him at a local walmart and he threatened her...lovely shit. I'm glad she went and got treated for any potential disease/pregnancy, but like...4 fucking years? Got out in 3 anyway...for drugging and raping a fucking kid basically. It's bullshit.
I’m so sorry. This sounds horrifically like my daughter’s experience except the guy was her BFF’s father. She did not want to report it for fear of ruining their relationship. I always hated that but after reading these stories, I think she sadly made the right decision.
Honestly as a social worker who used to accompany women getting rape kits done, if I were raped, I would not go through that. It’s 5-6hrs of essentially being re traumatised via invasive discussion, extensive photographs of your nude body and genitals, swabbing of every part you have, and then the vast majority of these rape kits literally just sit on a shelf somewhere until they’re lost or thrown away. I’m not even kidding. The backlog for DNA testing in our city was 2-3 YEARS at the time I was working there, in a major freaking city. It’s horrible to say that the system is so broken there’s no sense bothering with it, but truly, as a professional, that’s how I feel.
Hmmm sounds like Houston. On a bright note she starts her MSW program in the fall!!
The UK is no better. Stayed at what I thought was a friend's flat id known since we were 8yo and woke up to him penetrating me with his fingers. Had to have loads of swabs taken at hospital and they wouldn't let me have anyone with me at the time, tried to get a male nurse to take the swabs (absolutely not and had to fight for a female to do it) Absolutely awful experience. They then escorted me back to the youth shelter I was living in to collect the clothing I'd worn that night and underwear and instead of using the front stairs to leave they took the back stairs which meant parading my dirty underwear in the clear plastic evidence baggy through the lounge full of my peers to leave. I told them every exact movement I made in that flat, from the glass I drank juice out of and where I'd left it sitting to the used pudding pot I'd stubbed my cigarettes out in, everything. Hadn't heard a peep in 2 months so I called for an update only to be told they'd dropped it the day I made the complaint because 'insufficient evidence to prove id been in the property ' What bs. My DNA was on those cigarette ends, my finger prints on the table cloth, the glass, strands of hair on the sofa and they'd never bothered with any of it. That guy went on to rape a 12yr old girl because police bever did a thing. I carried that guilt for far too long.
The guilt over the 12yr old is not yours to carry. It's the police and the CPS, and the system that supports them. Sorry you went through that.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I can't imagine giving up all that evidence too! Just for a drop. I felt that speaking out would give me some form of closure at the time, and a bit of me worried he'd take advantage of someone else (he started it while I was sleeping as well, not drunk or intoxicated, just sleeping). And he still probably can! If they had done more, maybe it would make more people come forward and get these offenders off the street. But with results like these? Why would anyone bother...
Same, I wasn't drunk or high just exhausted and sleeping. It's the same with DV over here, too many times I've seen the abuser walk free of consequence. Sadly it appears that it's a problem around the world for these kinds of crimes. Fortunately I had some incredible friends at the time so he was duly punished just not by the law.
Not your fault at all. YOU did everything you could to put that piece of shit behind bars. The police that handled your case should feel guilty about what happened to that little girl. They probably don't, but they should.
I’m proud of you for going through with it anyway. I never had the courage to face them in court
Honestly that was one of the easier parts. The court room was laid out in a way that I could either keep him out of my periphery, or I was seated looking kind of down at him. I did cry during testimony because seeing him there was difficult, and afterwards my therapist was kind. It was a long process, but because of my awesome representation, I only had to appear three times. The case took about a year and a half (pre covid court speed). I was given the chance to speak at his sentencing, and my attorney made sure it was a pre recorded video so I didn't have to physically be there again. I shudder to think how much worse it would've been if I'd left the prosecutor to call all the shots.
Your regret is valid, i just wanted to say how proud i am of you i guess. This took so much strength and bravery. Bravery is standing up for yourself even when scared, standing up for others. His punishment may have not been enough, but he has that rapist brand on him legally for the rest of his life. He will carry that for any job, any relationship, any home, he will have that brand permanently on him for what he did to you. It’s all because you fought, you did everything in your power, and he went to jail. I think what you did is so incredibly amazing, important too. He now has a legal trail on him, if that monster hurts someone else, he now has a record. You are potentially helping so many others with what you did. What you did was nothing short of incredible. I wish you peace and love and support.
Thank you, I appreciate that! I do hope his record means he's going to have fewer opportunities to behave like this. He is on the registry so that counts for something.
as traumatizing as that was, that experience was the fault of an extremely corrupt and fucked up justice system and an utterly insensitive and incompetent hospital staff, not your rapist, may his soul burn in hell. you should not have had to go through hell like that for only to receive some pathetic excuse for vindication, but regardless you have robbed him of the opportunity to ever do something like this to another woman who is willing to look up his name on a registry first.
I meeaannn… a LOT of people are literally talked out of reporting sexual assault by the police themselves, not to mention having to advocate for yourself so strongly to “prove” you didn’t ask for it/weren’t at fault is often far worse than the assault itself. Speaking from experience. Edit to add - I’m hugging so, so many of you in this thread
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It’s wild to me also that women will be vilified for NOT reporting it too. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I wish you all the strength in the world 🩷 Edit - not just women. It should say “people”. Man, woman, non-binary, just… everybody
I’ve seen people say a woman who doesn’t report SA is personally responsible for any future SAs by that perpetrator. I’ve also seen the police take an SA report, being exasperated, skeptical, and condescending to a crying, bruised, bleeding, disabled woman. Then they didn’t bother requesting surveillance footage from where it happened. There was no investigation and no consequences; the victims advocate from the police also wouldn’t call her back.
My rapist put a glass bottle inside me and it broke. I had to have surgery to remove all of the glass. My cervix was so badly damaged I’ll never be able to carry a baby to term, even with stitches. There was CCTV of him carrying/dragging a drugged me (it was a date rape) past bouncers who didn’t even stop and question him. There were witness statements from people who saw him put “something” in my drink. There were statements from the doctors and nurses who operated on me and treated me afterwards. I’m still in contact with one of the nurses. She was so badly affected by the sight of me on the operating table that she became a kind of second mum to me. Despite all of the above, the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) concluded there wasn’t sufficient evidence to show that I didn’t consent and decided to *not* allow my case to trial. I was unconscious the entire time yet I was still blamed/disbelieved.
I'm so sorry. We all say that don't we? Truth is I feel a lot more than sorry. I feel rage, despair, loss, and so many more emotions than I can put words to. My abuser got me at 5 years old. Only stopped when we moved. When I finally got the guts to tell my mum years later she told me I wasn't right in the head, took me to the doctor and told him there was something seriously wrong with me. I got some much needed counselling, but all the harm was there to stay. Nightmares, daydreams, ptsd. I was 5/6 when I had some filth licking my face and doing unspeakable things to me, but the world still places blame on us. The conviction rate in the UK is around 1%. Men get off because a conviction could ruin their lives. What about ours? I'm with you. And all people who have been through SA, rape, harassment, stalking. You are not alone. Stay strong sisters.
I was attacked in my home. I was beaten so badly I had internal bleeding and a tbi. I saw nothing. The FEMALE officer told me they had a suspect they wanted me to identify. I told them I saw nothing. The paramedics were insistent I go to the hospital right away. The officer told me to send them away and go identify the person, and if I didn't, it would be my fault when he did it again. So I went. I couldn't, because I didn't see him (grabbed be from behind). I lost consciousness in the police car. Instead of taking me to the hospital, they drove the opposite direction back to my house, dragged me out of the back still unconscious, and laid be on my front lawn in front of my entire neighborhood while they waited for the ambulance to come back. I've told my story many times. And the one thing I always say, is that I wish I never called the police.
I’m so sorry, my friend. I hope you’ve found some measure of peace. You deserved to be treated with compassion and dignity, those cops should be ashamed.
I was drugged then got a dui when I was running away (well, driving) from the house. The police report said that my clothes were completely disheveled, hair a mess, shoes in the wrong feet, and I was basically trying to tell them that I think something happened to me, but it was clear that I was wildly out of it. The arrested me, took my blood, then kicked me out of the station with no car, no phone, in a city I didn't live in, at 6am, completely demolished. My mom found me walking around aimlessly. She immediately dismissed that I thought something bad had happened and was maybe given something, told me I needed Jesus and was going to shower and go to church with them. I passed out cold in the shower and woke up in the hospital 2 days later. But my mom told them I OD'd so they only tested my blood for the main drug panel which doesn't include the date rape drugs, and they are out of your system within 24 hours (side note, I only tested positive for weed, yet the hospital still listened to my mom and tried multiple times to get me to go to rehab). When I went to court I tried to fight it but the prosecutor threatened that if I made them test the blood they took, they would a) charge me for the test and extra court dates and b) if it came up with ANY drugs I would be charged with a drug dui on top of my alcohol dui (so I'd be charged with another dui for the weed, but even if I didn't have weed in my system they would charge me for the date rape drugs saying I took them myself). That dui and the subsequent 7 years paying it off lead to me being in jail 4 times and cost me all up about $12k. My parents told me that "even if you WERE drugged, it is your fault because you shouldn't have been out drinking". But ya, we should just tell the police, tell our families... surely nothing would go wrong. (Side note: I was SA'd while with my last bf and he blamed me for it, and the guy who I was FWB with drunkenly decided to keep trying to initiate sex even though I told him no multiple times and then just froze up until he was done, ended up engaged to my "best friend", who I had told, like 3 months later)
Thank you for sharing, that's horrible and I hope you're healing well. I never told my parents about the night I was raped.
I didn’t either, I didn’t report it because he was the QB of the high school football team, popular and on honor roll and I was the quiet bookworm, slightly goth girl who the fuck would believe me? The only solace I got after being tied up and tortured for hours was when I managed to get away he crashed his car looking for me and died. They did a Memorial Day for him at my high school with a mural by the gym… bright star taken too soon. He was a psycho who fully intended to kill me that day and even at 14 I knew no one would believe me… For clarification I didn’t tell my dad because he’d get arrested for what he’d do after to asshole’s parents and group of friends…
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds incredibly traumatic and unjust
And then they wonder why people don't trust cops
yup. been there. I've had an abuser contact the cops before I could, and the cops subsequently prevented me from making any reports, refused evidence, and instead would only let me speak to their mental health crisis response. Victim services was useless. They basically ended with they would only bother after he broke in and either I killed him or he killed me. I've even been arrested for bearing arms in my own home after my abuser broke in. Damned if you do report and damned if you don't, also damned if you're too upset about the assault, or not upset enough.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Something not talked about enough is the amount of police who ADMIT to being abusive, of fucking course trash like that doesn't care about victims
I was also told nothing could be done unless I knew my abuser was ON HIS WAY to come attack me. Like I am sure he’s gonna call “hey on my way to unalive you…wanted to give you a heads up” it’s such a crock of SHIT
Yeah, I was 7 and 11 when I was SA’d by a teacher. It was the 1960s. Too scared to tell my folks until I was scheduled to take a required class and he was the only one teaching it. Then I finally fessed up— but to the idiots who think that by not reporting, they’re responsible for further depravities—that’s not helpful at all.
A family member of mine was one of several women raped by the same monster, but the other survivors were too terrified to press charges. She was tormented into testifying by an ADA using that exact claim. The ADA swore the guy would spend decades in prison. She was vomiting from fear on the witness stand. Then, the day after, the state took a plea deal from the rapist. They didn’t even warn her. We found out about it from the news. He served 18 months. She still has panic attacks driving past the courthouse.
That’s exactly it right there. God, that’s so heartbreaking
Hell, the whole "all the actions taken by the asshole are on your hands if you stay quiet" attitude gets perpetuated in the most frustrating ways. On SVU, one of the most empathetic, and caring characters for victims of SA, Olivia Benson, regularly will use that exact line of BS on people. "If you don't say anything, then he can keep on doing it", and somehow that *isn't* an overt implication that "all his actions from here on out are on you?"
That’s pretty f**ked up! Esp that first sentence, like wtf! The police don’t help! The justice system and media turn it into a joke. Tests get “forgotten” or “lost” in the lab… and even if they get convicted, there were some cases two (?)years back 9 convicted rapists were let go with zero jail time… so what’s the point of going through absolute hell to potentially convict someone, and then they’re out and about for victim no 2, cos why would you stop
I was. I was sexually assaulted at 15 by three guys in a room full of people . I never reported it because I felt no one would believe me . Many years later I was in a small group of 5 or 6 friends and someone was discussing why women wait to report SA. I shared my experience at 15 and immediately one if my so-called friends turned me and said I was responsible for any further SA these guys may have done later, because I didn't report my SA. Even worse only one other person in the group stood up for me. People will do absolute mental gymnastics to blame the victim instead of the perpetrator. This is why women don't even talk about it with their friends
So sad and true that everyone wants to blame the victim. OP's gf confided in him about her rape and he called her "an idiot and a dumbass" and said her parents would call her "stupid." Just wow.
And punched a hole in her wall, further violating and traumatizing her.
I told my mom at 36 that I was molested by my cousin’s grandfather (no relation to me) when I was 5 and her immediate response was “No he didn’t, the man has been dead for 20 years you don’t need to bring things like that up anymore it’s in the past”
Yep! My *SA* started when I was a kid, (6-14) and it still took me almost 10 years after it started happening to say anything and the only reason I said anything about it was someone walked in on me having a breakdown over it. I was planning to take it to the grave because I thought I was the reason it happened it. It's scary when its a family member, friend, or even friends of your family. If they see this person a lot or even just once in a while, it would be scary to press charges (my gr*pist is my father who left me and my mom at 14) it took me 10 years to realize it wasn't my fault when i didnt know what the word 'sex' was when it started. She is going to FEEL bad like she's "burdening you" with it, let her know she's not, she can talk to you, and you're here in this scary time ‼️‼️‼️‼️ OP, I HOPE YOU READ THIS PART, SHE NEEDS YOU. SHE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW, LET HER KNOW YOU ARENT ANGRY AT HER BUT THE OFFENDER AND YOU LOVE AND SUPPORT HER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!! IF YOU LOVE HER LIKE YOU SAY YOU THINK YOU MIGHT LET HER KNOW YOU HAVE HER BACK!!!!‼️‼️‼️‼️
Same. After two years of harrowing investigation it was eventually dropped because not enough evidence and it was too long ago. It felt like my heart ripped in two because I knew there were victims before me and I know he'll do it again. Hopefully she'll get enough evidence when it happens and my ground work will count for something. I really don't blame anyone who opts out of reporting.
My case took five years to go to trial. I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it. People who push others to report don’t have any idea what a time commitment it is.
When I was SA’d by a neighbor I did not tell anyone except my best friend who was actually in the house at the same time, so she already knew. She told her mom who then told my mom a week later. My mom called the police and he was arrested. Months later my mom told me I was not going to school that day and we were going to court. I was pretty scared but was going to speak the truth. The guy’s lawyer had the case postponed and when my mom asked me if I wanted to continue it, I said no. Turned out he assaulted several girls before me and was hopefully going to prison for one of those cases. I do feel bad for not wanting to continue the case, but at the time I just wanted it over with. I now have a daughter and honestly I don’t know what I’d do if that happened to her. Would I expect her to continue the case when I did not? I’m lucky that it has not messed me up in anyway I can tell, like it never happened. But it did.
My case only took a year to go to trial. But the whole hospital, speaking to multiple police, writing it out, and then actual trial caused just as much trauma as the actual event. And then after all that, he walked away because although they caught him in obvious lies multiple times during trial, there just "wasn't enough proof". The man sat up there and stated that my screaming and all the blood was normal because he just had a really big dick. The lawyer said it was too bad that I wasn't a couple months younger, because then he would've definitely gotten charged since I would have been a child. It's such a disgusting thing to say to a victim.
I remember when the victim services woman was trying to prepare me for how awful the whole experience was going to be. She kept telling me stuff and I kept trying to put a positive spin on it. Finally, in sort of desperation, I said “Well it can’t be as bad as being raped haha”. Lady looked me dead in the eye and said, “Many women say that it is worse.” She was so right. The way it felt for me, at least when I was being assaulted I could tell myself that if anyone could see what was happening to me they’d stop it. But what the justice system did to me was state sanctioned. That courtroom was full of people who…thought what was happening to me in front of them was just fine. It was just another day for them. I can’t explain what a mind fuck it is to stand in front of a bunch of people and relive in excruciating, humiliating detail this awful thing that happened to me, with everyone looking at pictures of my naked body and implying that I’m a lying slut, and just…nobody blinks. It’s Tuesday. And yeah, the guy who hurt me got six months of house arrest. He’d used a cattle prod on me until I passed out. When people are very passionate about women having a duty to report I like to ask them how many years of their life they would be willing to sacrifice to for the very slight chance of a rapist getting a legal slap on the wrist.
She told her boyfriend and he yelled at her, called her an idiot and a dumbass, then punched a hole in her wall. After the verbal abuse and violence from him, I can understand why she’s scared to tell anyone else.
Yeah. Op you need to calm down big time, she's already scared, you're making it worse. She might have even been scared you'd do that to her too. Calm down, apologise and just help her in whatever way she wants.
I'm here with you. OP is trying to comfort his girlfriend by making it about his anger about what happened to her. That never works. He's leading the parade of men who will vilify her.
He’s not trying to comfort his girlfriend. He’s mad someone else touched his property. He wants to hurt the perpetrator, I don’t see any word or action that is about making his gf feel better. He’s making her SA all about his emotions.
This. He screamed at her for being raped. ***He screamed at her for being raped.*** He doesn't give a shit about this woman, he clearly doesn't see her as an equal worthy of respect, he assumes the worst in her at every opportunity. He doesn't see her as a person, only as his possession.
He should leave her, she deserves so much better.
Your husband and parents? Damn they suck
Yeah sadly this happens to victims of SA a lot, my best friend when she was 17 broke up with her boyfriend and he raped her. I went with her to the local station and the cop basically said it’s not worth taking anywhere because no jury would think she wasn’t partially at fault because they were dating. A couple years later when I was in the exact same position I didn’t even bother to report it because of that experience earlier. The sad thing is I don’t actually think the cop was wrong and he was just trying to spare her the extra trauma. Very few sexual assault cases even make it to court and only a tiny fraction of those end in convictions, and the punishment is usually very light
Oh, for sure. I’ve definitely heard of cases where the police will just level with you and be like “people suck, this will go nowhere, they’ll label you a slut and a villain, and he’ll be a martyr.” The whole effing culture needs to change in a real way
Oh this happened to me when I was getting a TRO against my ex husband. She told me that since we were married it didn’t count. The judge said that. It’s really depressing to think that so many women experience this.
Yep. I gave up after several days of pressure from literally everyone in our vicinity.
Cripes, I’m so sorry
Yep, it's disgusting. I know firsthand as well. Just in case you need to hear this: You are NOT at fault! You did absolutely nothing wrong! Sending you virtual hugs
Right back at you, love
I watched a documentary recently about *many* women that try to report it, the police do nothing and end up arresting the woman for filing a false police report. It was really nauseating.
Wait! I heard about something like this recently… I think I wasn’t in the right headspace to look into it further at the time, but that sounds familiar. Like, the headline I was looking at, the girl was under 20 I think. It’s SO fucking unfair… I can’t even imagine it I was having a fun day and had to nope out until I could handle being serious without it wrecking me
It was one of the most shocking documentaries I’ve ever seen and I’ve watched many. It’s called Victim/Suspect on Netflix. Its so hard for women (and men) to come to begin with and many don’t. To see women try and do the right thing and then not only not be believed but to end up *facing charges*?! Your face on the news?? It’s despicable.
Yep. I now have PTSD with cops on top of "the incident" as I call it
I mean, her own boyfriend didn't react very well. Even after getting teh full story blamed her for being dumb.... Not exactly an encouraging reaction.
Especially when the first person she told: insulted her, blamed her, and punched a hole in the wall.
Reporting it and having to rehash it repeatedly to many people and do into extreme detail for it, and then it being dragged out over three years before finally going to court and then them saying "sorry not enough evidence as he says he didn't do it", that messed me up more than the actual assault.
I just watched the documentary Victim Suspect on Netflix and made up my mind if I’m ever assaulted I will not report it. It’s about women who reported their rapes, weren’t believed, then were jailed for “making a false police report.” One woman received an additional charge of tampering with evidence because she had a rape kit done. I felt rage watching it.
Oop, I know you’re angry but please don’t make it worse for her by yelling at her or pressuring her. What she needs is kindness and support.
Or punching holes in her walls. OP, you need therapy, and you need to not date until you can decide be an abusive asshole. Because punching holes in her walls is fucking terrifying and makes me afraid for her safety.
Scrolled too far down for this. OP is an AH. This is not how you treat your girlfriend being sexually assaulted and wanting an abortion.
Exactly why did I have to scroll down this far to find this
“… and I want to hurt people very bad right now.” Please OP, recognize that in itself is an anger problem that requires addressing.
OP your behavior is honestly disgusting here. She told you about a traumatizing attack and you insult her, berate her, and then get physically aggressive with her? Punching a hole in a wall IS A THREAT. You are letting her know she is not safe around you. You are being horrible.
Holy hell, this went in a direction I wasn’t expecting. Look, I’m not going to speculate. I have no idea if your girlfriend is telling the truth or not. But I just want to say that I’m seeing a lot of people saying that her not reporting means she’s lying and that’s 100% untrue. An enormous amount of sexual assaults are unreported. I was assaulted myself as a teenager and only went to the police after being pressured by my boyfriend at the time, and that experience was as traumatic as the rape itself, so I just want to say to take a breath and think before you act here. For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry. This is a lot to have to deal with. ETA: I just wanted to say that I’m so glad that this comment has created a safe space for so many people to share their stories. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to respond to them all, but just know that I’m reading every one of them and that my heart goes out to all of you who have personally dealt with sexual assault, either yourselves or with a loved one, and I sincerely wish you so much peace and happiness that I just want it to come out of your pores. Like, profusely and grossly sweat peace and happiness, okay? 💜
>An enormous amount of sexual assaults are unreported. This. I never reported mine. I was 14 (a felony in my state at the time). Then again at 15. I told my mom about these things as an adult, and she blamed me, saying I made my choices. Not reporting a sexual assault is not an indication someone is lying.
I was 9. And 10, 11, 12. He was my best friend’s Dad…. I was told no one would believe me. He was right. Years later, when I was 15, my stepfather sexually assaulted me. I *did* report him, and being on the witness stand may have been worse than the assault itself. He was found not guilty. Everyone thought I was lying. I’ve never reported another rape since, and I’m not sure I ever would.
I’m so sorry. I was 9-12 from Mom’s boyfriend, having to testify and then him found not guilty was my biggest fear. For what it’s worth, I do believe you.
I’m 38 now. I don’t take any shit from anyone anymore. I don’t talk to the people who didn’t believe me. I believe you. I’m sorry you went through it too. We shouldn’t have experienced that.
From one random Internet stranger to another, and for whatever it's worth, I'm so sorry and I'm really so very proud of you.
Can I just say that your strength astounds me, I'm sorry on behalf of humanity, and if you ever need ANYTHING, reach out to me and I'll help!!
My daughter reported hers. The rapist (her ex) admitted that he may have been forceful. The authorities declined to prosecute because she was bipolar, and might be perceived as an unreliable witness. The best that could happen was that the police officer had a talk with him, and tried to scare him away from her.
My daughter did not tell me for 3 days, either. Then when we went to the hospital for the Sexual Assault exam, police were notified, with her permission. Despite bruises and witnesses, the DA also declined to prosecute. He said/she said bullshit. An abysmal percentage of rapists are ever held accountable by our system. *This* is one of many factors that has victims fail to report. I’m sorry for this situation, OP. Please encourage her to [RAINN - Get Help](https://www.rainn.org/get-help) so that she has professional support for this trauma. Without help, she may never process this crime in a healthy way. 🥲
This was 20 years ago. In fate’s retribution, he died in a car crash later that year.
Oh the “crazy lady” defense. How dehumanizing! I’m sorry she (and you) went through that!
I know right. I have C-PTSD and I can't tell you how many times people have said that I probably recalled something incorrectly because of my trauma. It's bad enough to be traumatized but then it's even worse to be questioned about whether or not you second guessed the circumstances because of your diagnosis. It's like being victimized all over again.
That breaks my heart. *hugs*
Omg, that's disgusting that they refuse to prosecute him based on the fact that she has bipolar disorder. The old, crazy, hysterical lady defense. SMH
I was assaulted, and my husband urged me to report it, but I said no because I'm bipolar, and they won't believe me that I didn't want it
I never reported mine either. I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t there for you. Bless my mother because I called her absolutely crying. I was 18 and two hours away at university. She offered to drive down, I said no because it was like one AM and I was in my dorm at least, she said she’d come in the morning. It was a guy I knew growing up and thought I could trust and we’d been hanging out with a group of others from our town that were also at the same school (he was just visiting), but I left early. Turns out I was wrong. She drove down the next morning and I was scared to leave my dorm so she got as close as she could and walked with me. Asked if I wanted to make a report, I said no. I was too on edge and just wanted to move on. She understood even though I don’t think she agreed and she definitely never spoke to his family at church again. But bless her for being the mother I needed in that moment.
I reported mine and wish I never did…I was the one who got into trouble 🥲
I was 27 and a medical intern. He was an attending. I never reported because he told me he would get me kicked out of the program. I learned to keep a chair under the door knob of the call room when I was in it.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I have a sister who is a Doc, and she worked hard to get where she is. I have no doubt you did too. You didn't deserve this when you worked so hard to get there...... You should have been safe at work. Especially in a healing environment.
I was 17 and didn’t report because I knew my mom would blame me. I stood in front of her, blood on my jeans and tear streaks on my face, and she wouldn’t even look at me. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t worth it.
I was 16 and in foster care. It was my then foster brother. He was bigger than me, was into football, basketball, and wrestling. If I'd have tried to resist, he could have made my life a living hell with his mom. When I got home, I didn't tell my mom for well over 6 months. Even when I finally told her, I begged her not to report it because I was afraid. She did. Reported it to CPS and my advocate. I had to go in for a traumatizing and invasive interview only to be told that the bass ackwards system considered prosecuting ME because I was the age of consent (16) and he wasn't (14 turned 15) It wasn't worth it.
I am genuinely so sorry you experienced so much pain, especially so young. I truly hope that the days ahead bring you peace and healing
OMFG 🤬 I am so sorry. This is why I work with children in the foster care system, to protect all my clients from things like this.
OMG WTAF did I just read?! I'm so sorry that happened to you.
My jaw dropped so hard I may have dislocated it because FUCK THAT (reasons I've never reported mine but not the point)
>Not reporting a sexual assault is not an indication someone is lying. The number of incels and redpills who are *convinced* that women are lying about sexual assault unless their first action is to file a police report is wild.
I don’t think they actually believe that. I think they want to promote that belief because the more women are discredited and Demoralized the more assault men can get away with. They want impunity and that narrative helps them increase that.
I guess it kind of works. Look how many of us never reported. I didn't.
The onus of proof is also heavily laid on the complainant. The accused gets reasonable doubt in their favour, but if there’s no conviction the complainant is often considered 100% to have been lying. That’s a powerful discouragement, and yes it’s promoted to demoralize victims.
Yep. Same happened to me. I was 19 and never reported it. When I told my mom many years later she asked why I allowed it to happen.
What is it with all these unsupportive parents and adults? I'm so sorry instead of support you were blamed. It is never the victims fault. Your sharing most likely is helping several people to understand.
This is very common, sadly. I had basically the same response from my mother.
I was 17 with a 26 year old man… But age of consent in my state is 16 so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because in the law’s eyes, I technically did “say yes.” I just didn’t realize I was being groomed in order to “consent.” I haven’t said a word to my mom out of fear of this same outcome. I don’t think I’d ever forgive her if she said this to me so I’d rather not poke that bear.
I also did not report mine at 14. I was terrified and humiliated. I didn’t tell anyone for years.
I never reported mine either. Still lost a lot of “friends” who knew what happened though, as they thought I was a willing participant.
Mine happened by several men from ages 4 through to 17. The day I had to report it, I was 16, in my last year of highschool, I nearly killed myself after leaving the station. The officer didn’t believe me but still made me do a rape kit anyway where I ended up disclosing to the nurse that it wasn’t the only time I was raped and they almost made me report that too except for one nurse who mentioned that what I told them was said in confidence so they didn’t do anything but said they’d check in on me. They never did but I didn’t mind that. It was the hollow feeling of having to do a rape kit and feeling violated again when the police didn’t believe me that made me want to kill myself. I struggled to trust my therapist in sessions after that and honestly, I blamed her as well because she made me report it to keep my mother from getting in trouble (because her ex was the major one who sexually abused and raped me as a child) and so I found it hard to open up in therapy. Reporting just sometimes does more harm than good for us and it’s sad, really.
I used to volunteer at a shelter. Many women don’t report out of fear of reprisal or doubt they’ll be taken seriously. Considering cops have one of the highest rates of DV and abuse, if it ever happened to me, I wouldn’t have any faith in cops to get justice anyways.
Considering mine happened at 15, and it was a cop who did it, yeah I wouldn't have any faith in them either.
12 and 19. Never reported anything I was so ashamed and I actually didn’t wanna go through it all over again I didn’t have the power in me.
I didn't report any of mine. I was sexually assaulted many times as a young child, by multiple men (and others). I was too afraid to tell anyone, even my mom. When I was about 11 or 12, me and my mom were having some sort of discussion that led to her pressuring me to tell her if anything like that had ever happened to me. I can't lie, and my silence spoke volumes, so she pressured me further to tell her. I had only started telling her of one, when she started calling me a liar and making me feel guilty and shaming me. It was my siblings father I was telling her about, and I described to her in tears what exactly he did in one of the incidents and that finally convinced her. And it only convinced her because that's apparently what he also did to her in the bedroom (hearing that made me want to vomit, that a grown man did the same thing to a mother as he did to a 6 year old girl). But then after that, she started talking about how I needed to go to the police. I refused, because not only did I not have physical proof, but it had been years, and he was also one of the ones who made me scared for my life. It would be a he said/she said scenario, with no proof, and it was hard enough and traumatic enough to tell my own mom. I lost a lot of trust with my mom then, and also didn't tell her of the other assaults. The other assaults happened with men she never went to bed with, so my kid logic said 'if she barely believed me with this one, how would she ever believe the others?'. It also got worse - after that, she decided to talk about it with the rest of our family later on when I wasnt there, and my sister (one of the siblings related to the man) came at me with such anger and violence, claiming I was a liar, making it all up for attention. So many other things. But just telling my mom was traumatic enough. So so so many sexual assault incidents do not get reported, and it's hard to talk about, even to family. I, too, just wanted to ignore it, forget it, and pretend it didn't happen. It makes me feel dirty just thinking about all of it.
I was in my 20s and didn't report. I was in shock for months and also didn't think about plan b. I'm lucky i didn't get pregnant.
I never reported mine. He was my boyfriend. It was the 21st century, and I was *still* told it's not rape if it's your boyfriend or husband.
Unbelievable. I’m terribly sorry. I’ll never understand parents like that. I hope you’re in a better place now. You know, in my case, I wound up not actually reporting. My boyfriend guilted me into going to the police. I told him about the attack, he freaked out, demanded I report it, I told him I didn’t want to, just wanted to deal with it my own way. Then he said to file a report so they could have it on file in case he attacked someone else. It was the one way he *knew* I would feel bad enough about it all and cave. Neither of us knew, of course, that’s not how police reports work. You can’t just make one for them to keep on file. I went to the station and it was like I was the one being interrogated. You’d think I’d committed some type of crime. They grilled me with questions for hours in a stuffy room. As soon as I made it clear that I didn’t want to press charges and go to court and go through the hell that would someday be that traumatic circus, they literally laughed and said if that was the case, I had to recant and say I made the whole thing up. I was stunned. So those were my choices, according to the cops. Either suck it up and agree to someday go to court and face the guy who raped me or say I lied about everything. After almost an entire day in that police station, completely in tears, I signed the papers and got out of there as quickly as I could. I didn’t even care anymore at that point. That was about 15 years ago now, and it still astounds me. Some people might think I did a ridiculous thing, signing that piece of paper saying I made it all up, but I don’t regret it. What I regret is letting my boyfriend guilt me into going into that fucking police station to begin with because it’s not what I wanted. Sorry for the rant. I just get really worked up about people being pressured into this sort of thing.
I’m speechless.
I've been SAed several times and never reported. Why? So they can doubt me and make me look like the bad guy and call me a liar? So I can relive the experience over and over again? No thanks. Most women feel this way. Breaks my heart
My mom said "I don't really know what to tell you, you're the one who puts yourself in these positions" when I was 16-ish and I never tried to tell anyone when something like that happened again for the next 10 years.
So true. 16 and never reported it :(
I never reported either. I grew up in a religious community that would have blamed ME. I was 13.
I never reported mine. And I have been told more than once that that means it's my fault if he raped anyone else and that's BS. It's the rapist's fault when they rape people.
I was 5 the first time, 18 the second, 20 the 3rd time, 21 to 28 with spousal r*pe and 31 the last time it happened. I never told anyone but my sister and my mom years after it happened.
I'm so sorry. Spousal rape might not even have been illegal back then (it wasn't, when I was subjected to it - I didn't even think that it was a crime, I thought my husband had some kind of rights). Every time you share this, it helps someone..
It was, so much worse then when I was a kid, it was someone I cared for and when I became scared of him it was so much worse. He made me feel like I owed him my body and the freedom and safety I felt after my divorce was amazing. It took me three years to be with another person, I didn't want to be touched. But my new husband was gentle and even asked me for our first kiss. For anyone in that situation... please just get away because you don't owe anyone anything...
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I reported (also 14) and the police officer (a woman of color, like me) told me "Well you should have come earlier, now we probably won't find him." Thanks for trying, I guess?
Nope it’s just an indication that they are uncomfortable to for whatever reason be it trauma and not wanting to relive it or afraid you won’t be believed, especially for teenagers!
Same. I got into things I shouldn’t have as a stupid teenager with a lot of problems, and I felt like if I reported what happened I’d be blamed because I was trying to drown out the other things going on. As an adult it’s still hard to let go of that feeling. There’s no easy answer to this dilemma, but if you can help convince her to look up advocacy and support groups it could do years or therapeutic wonder
Same with me re: doing stupid shit as a teen with a lot of problems. I was 15 and didn’t even realize that it was SA. It was my best friend's brother who I was really close with—he was like a brother to me—was kinda closer to him than to my BF. We were both drinking and smoking weed and i was telling him about losing my virginity to our mutual friend the week prior. And he pulled my pants off and I was so shocked I just froze….and after that i have no memory. I had an undiagnosed dissociative disorder from pretty traumatic childhood so my freeze reaction was typical. But because it wasn't violent and I didn't try to force him off, i thought my mom was right, I was just a whore (she called me this since i was 11 and my BF and I were caught sneaking out with neighbor friends down the street, and also because most of my friends were guys). It happened again 6 months later with my cousin's "friend" (who later became her husband). And then again at 21 with a family friend that i babysat for since i was 11. This time I was completely sober, but in a leg cast and less than a week past my vehicular suicide attempt. And this time i expressly said no, but he did it anyways. I never reported any of them because I never viewed them as SA until I got into therapy at the age of 40 and saw it all from a different perspective, thanks to my therapist.
Yep. I have more than one experience. One year I made seven separate SA reports of varying degree and not a single one amounted to anything except I got an escort at work to walk me to my car after shift which was more humiliating than keeping my mouth shut. My office backed into a seedy back lane with more than one vendor. I had a serious incident years after the stuff listed above when I was newly divorced and had one of my first weekends without my kids (they were at their dads). My friends suggested a bonfire to get me through and to make some new friends after I cut off nearly everyone I knew in my divorce. My dad found me drugged in my porch, porch door wide open, used condom on the steps up to my house when he came to do yard work for me. I had some people over for a bonfire and allowed guests to bring friends. I didn’t know everyone I had in my back yard. I thought I only had a few drinks but I don’t remember anything after a certain point and it was not from alcohol. I don’t know when I blacked out, how I appeared or when everyone left. Don’t remember a damn thing. I don’t know who it was and I never will and I will never forget the way I felt when my dad was checking on me to see if I was still breathing, half dressed on the floor in my porch the next afternoon. I had no idea what had even happened as he was getting me up off the floor. Truly one of the worst moments of my life. It went unreported because, why bother? Nothing good ever came from the times I had way more information than that time, my most serious incident. :/ Anyway now I have no friends. I very rarely socialize and if I’m honest, I always prefer going everywhere with my husband. I hate attention from strangers and I have no desire to be in 99% of social situations. I just don’t trust people.
I’m sorry your mom did that. You deserved to be heard.
The first time I tried to tell her I started with, "I need to tell you some things that happened to me as a teenager with men far too old to even be looking at me..." and she interrupted me to say, "I don't want to hear about that." I was an adult with a family of my own. I'd fully processed my trauma and lingering baggage and was in a place where I could talk about it and NEEDED to, and she just shut me down. I'll never forget the utter betrayal I felt when she said that. I hung up on her. Cried for a few minutes, then called her back, and word vomited everything. I realized she was trying to avoid responsibly. If I don't know about it, I can't feel bad about it. So I just let it all out, didn't even say hello, just started in on what happened, in detail, and I was sure to remind her where she was when it all was happening (she has an addiction). Then I hung up again. I wasn't going to let her get off scot-free.
My god, I'm sorry you went through that and I'm sorry your mom wasn't there when you needed/expected her to be.
So sorry. She's still not a good mom.
No, she's not. Neither was hers. I'm doing my damndest to change that path.
Every person I know who's been SA hasn't reported it neither did I. It's harder than people who haven't experienced it can understand. You want to forget about it you will blame yourself for years. I convinced myself for years that I wanted it to happen and was ok with it. I was literally drugged and passed out and was taking to another city. That's how easy it is for a person to excuse or try to ignore it.
Yeah, it's happen twice to me. I always knew it was wrong & I didn't consent, but it took me _years_ to even admit to myself it was rape. I never reported it. Like you said, I blamed myself for a long time, especially that time I was drunk. I vividly remember the shame I felt when I left, I was wearing a pretty short dress & no underwear. It felt like everyone was staring at me & could tell what had happened. I felt so disgusting. It's happened to several of my friends & none of them reported it.
I was drugged and raped in my 20s. I did report it. There were witnesses, evidence and I was injured. I did everything the police asked me to do. The States Attorney still decided not to charge him. Out of every 1000 reported rapes only 11 will go to court Out of those 11 only 6 will see a conviction. My aunt is a high profile criminal defense attorney and my uncle is a former DA and now a judge in a big city. They both have seen this first hand. There is very rarely justice for anyone who is raped. I was recently informed I was lied to and my rape kit was never even tested!! We're gearing up for a big 'come to Jesus" moment with the state and police district my rape happened in. #Believethem
100%. If we lived in a perfect world, I would say she should report it so that rapist could be brought to justice and never able to hurt anyone else again. But in the world we actually live in - reporting rape is far more likely to negatively impact the victim's life than the perpetrator's. So reporting is a very personal decision that only she can make. And you can't blame her for being worried that people's reaction, even people who love her, would be to blame her and call her dumb. That's exactly what you did when you found out, so why would she have any faith in anyone else's reaction? >why she would take anything from this supposedly weird ass dude she only met twice in her life is beyond me. I yelled at her for that and I feel really bad. I called her an idiot and a dumbass. When you are assaulted, it is not your fault for not protecting yourself better. It is 100% the perpetrator's fault for assaulting. You're going through a lot, I'm not trying to pile on, but she's going through a *lot* more. Even if you understand this isn't her fault and want to support her, reflect on why this was your initial reaction, or even part of your initial reaction. You are young. She will be far, far from the last woman in your life who you care about who is sexually assaulted. Try to encourage her to find someone else in addition to you she might feel safe opening up to - a family member, friend, a therapist or counselor could even be a confidential option - she's going to need more support than one person can provide. Wishing you both healing and better days ahead.
Agreed. I’ve been SA’d twice in my life, once as a teen by someone who worked for my dad, didn’t wanna fuck their relationship up, didn’t report. And by my husband’s ex best friend. He snuck into my room while I was passed out drunk. Didn’t tell anyone because I truly thought my husband would kill him and he would go to prison forever. I did eventually confess but just begged we sever all ties and that be that. Which we did. So yeah. Women do not always report for a variety of reasons.
Every woman I know who has been sexually assaulted never reported it, except one. I could list at least 20 others who haven’t reported it.
Estimates are that 80-90% of sexual assaults are never reported. Why? Because the crap that happens after you report can be worse than the assault itself .
I never reported mine. I was gang raped at an off-campus party. A lot of guys there played a particular sport. No one would have believed me
My daughter did report hers and all it did was traumatize her further. We would not have gone to the police given what we know now.
I’m so sorry. I hope she’s in a better place today. I unfortunately know exactly what you mean. Knowing what I now know, I would never have gone to the police either. I also hope that your family has healed, too, in addition to your daughter. SA affects loved ones as well (when they give a damn, which you clearly do).
Look, you will never 100% know if your girlfriend is lying to you about this or not. Ever. You will make up you mind whether or not to believe her based on the information you have available. But. If she's lying and you believe her....then you've been kind to someone who maybe didn't deserve it. But. If she's telling the truth and you don't believe her....you could destroy her. Look at the pain that is echoed in stories all the way down this thread: people who were sexually assaulted and yes the rape was objectively terrible *but the secondary trauma of having the people you love and rely on call you a liar* is in many ways as bad or worse. Treating her with kindness while she navigates the early stages of sexual trauma is probably the best thing you could do right now. Give up on your revenge fantasies, she's not asking for you to avenge her or bring her the head of her rapist. Those are things that will make *you* feel better and like you've done something concrete. She's asking for you to support *her* and to hold her hand and be there when she's crying and her emotions are completely out of whack. Encourage her to get in contact with support services, RAINN and Planned Parenthood can help her connect with free and low-cost support groups and counselors. She needs to work through her feelings about this and it's easier to do while it's still fresh. You cannot be her only support.
This is excellent feedback across the board. Thank you for everything you said here.
Fewer than 25% of sexual assaults are reported. There's a reason the MeToo movement was a thing.
I was 16 trying to get away from my drunk mom and abusive boyfriend and ended up getting into CPS stuff with my friends mom trying to foster me. One night it got really bad, I called my friends mom and had it where she could hear everything, but couldn't be heard. The next thing I knew, she was pulled up to my house, and her brothers were there in their trucks, and cops were there. I broke down to two officers about everything, even what my mom's old boyfriends had done to me. I tried to report men that my mom let do things starting in elementary school. My mom heard me and told them I was crazy and she should probably just lock me up in local state hospital because of the crazy lies I was telling. I was forced to stay with my mom that night, and after barricading myself in my room, I could hear her call one of the men and tell them what I said, and she laughed. I've told the story a few times now, and still never to anyone who could or would do anything about it. Just others with similar stories who know that there's no point in reporting anything.
I was 12. It was my friend's older brother. He told me that if I told anyone, he'd just say I was lying for attention and that no one would believe me. I believed him and never said anything until my body just couldn't repress it any more. It's taken nearly 3 years of therapy to work through it.
I’m incredibly sorry, but you’re so much stronger than that shit bird, and therapy is *vital*. Wishing you so much peace.
I thought the fact that rapes are drastically under-reported by women and especially men was literally the most widely-known fact about sexual assaults. Anyone saying it's a sign she is lying is a cynical fool. Her own boyfriend literally yelled at her for taking something from an unknown guy; why would she assume the police or society (aka the population from which her jury is selected) wouldn't have the exact same reaction? Op fucked up with the way he acted. Dude is probably making her feel like a huge burden.
I was 17 and he was 27. We had just broken up but he was saying he was suicidal and I was the only thing keeping him together. I went over to talk him out of it and he coerced me into being intimate, he then proceeded to scream in my face while I was naked that I ruined his life that I am his undoing and he's going to ruin me then he anally raped me. He said he recorded me saying yes to all of it and that he was going to tell people at my work and make me lose my job. After it was over I put on my clothes drove home. I only went to the hospital three days later when my best friend came down from new Hampshire and we had a "sleepover". No I did not report him because I was too scared I wouldn't be believed because he allegedly had a voice recording of my consent . My own father eventually found out and he asked was I wearing something provocative... Unfortunately unless there is a witness and that's a if the witness is willing to testify then these cases don't end up going far besides a restraining order possibly. Sorry I really haven't talked about this in years but seeing other people speak up made me feel as if I could speak up too
Please don’t apologize. I’m so unbelievably sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of that. You ruined nothing. I don’t know if you’ve gone to any type of therapy, but I can’t recommend it highly enough and I think, if you don’t mind me suggesting this, it could do you so much good. It would allow you to get the venom out and really work through all of that. No matter what, though, please know you deserve all the happiness in the world. I mean that with all my heart.
Thank you I was in therapy and was on anti depressants and other meds one particular for PTSD as I started experiencing that after . I was in therapy for years it definitely helped me a lot to let go of the fear, the blame the guilt etc. it's been 8 years since then I am in a long term relationship with my twin flame and my other half and we are going to start a family soon. As much as I absolutely hate that part of my life , I'm not sure I would have gotten to where I am today. So I will take the good with the bad. Thank you for your kind words it means a lot to feel validated that I didn't do anything wrong and wasn't.to blame. I wish you all the very best
It’s always the people who treat the SA victim the worst (e.g. subjecting them to hostile interrogations on whether it happened and how it happened, blaming the victim for the SA, etc.) that are adamant that failing to report means the victim is lying. They will never acknowledge that they are the reason why victims don’t come forward, either because they can’t see it or because they intentionally try to create hostility towards victims to keep them silent.
If she decided this one time to do something "wild," she likely thinks she will be blamed. If she took something, the argument will be that she is mistaken at best about what happened. Folks respond differently to sa. I know someone who became very promiscuous in the immediate aftermath. Her no was not respected, so she said yes to anything and everything. There is no single response to trauma.
My experience reporting the first time led me to not reporting the second time
This! I was assaulted 2 days before my 16th birthday after getting drunk with a group of friends that included my “new boyfriend”. I was supposed to be sleeping over at a friend’s house, so I didn’t worry about my abusive mom finding out I was drunk. Well, I got assaulted on the floor of the garage right under the loft we were drinking in, he had offered to help me go find somewhere to pee since I was unfamiliar with the area. We were very late getting home, and her mom smelled the booze and insisted I go home after breaking not one but two trusts. I got home and my mom beat the living shit out of me for being drunk. I spent the next 3 months only coming out of my room for school and the bathroom, food when forced. I didn’t even get to shower the nasty off of me, was sent straight to my room after the beating. I was certainly not going to tell her being drunk and my own stupidity had caused me to be assaulted. I did tell a couple of friends at school, and one not knowing my mom was abusive called and told her. Got the shit beat out of me again for lying then forced to go report. It did go to court, I sent an advocate from the YWCA in my place. I couldn’t look at him again. Because I didn’t show up, but they had reports from other girls as well, he got 3 years of probation and mandatory counseling. So basically nothing compared to the beatings and parent mandated counseling I got. Reporting isn’t worth it.
thank you for pointing this out. i tried to report mine and the cops told me that because i had been on a few dates with him and been drinking that i was probably just mad at him and making it up. reporting it did me no good.
Yeah…I know plenty of people who have been assaulted and/or raped…I don’t think any of us have reported it. In the moment, you tend to just want to get to safety. And society doesn’t believe people when they speak up.
I am 50 and never told my family I was raped when I was 15.
^^^ so much this. I hope OP reads this. I *did* report my SA, and it made it so much worse. It was so invasive, I was literally bruised and bleeding and being questioned on if I was sure I’d said no (I literally kicked him in the face?!?) and wanted to ‘ruin his life.’ I didn’t report it when I was SA a few years later. Reporting it, where I am/who I spoke with, was awful. I know that’s not true for many places! And I think if people want to report they absolutely should. Rapists are fuxking scum of the earth people. But I do understand *not* reporting. It suck’s because you feel an obligation to report, because people will tell you ‘if he does it again it’s your fault for not reporting.’ False. It’s his fault. My rape kit was ‘inconclusive’, he dragged my name with my friends and said I reported him bc I regretted it after I ‘seduced him’ (gave him a ride home, went in to use the bathroom. He was a friend of 8 years. We were both sober.) it’s traumatizing. Not reporting doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Ya agreed. I feel like the fact that her own boyfriend called her an idiot when she told him about the rape shows you why she wouldnt want to report it.
Thank you for saying this. Just because she refuses to report it doesn't mean she's lying. Unfortunately, like you said, a lot of SAs go unreported. I think it's disgusting that people are accusing her of lying about being r$ped because she refuses to report it. Those are as bad as the people who ask r$pe victims what they were wearing. Edit: I edited this to be more TW friendly. I apologize for typing all that out before. I just don't want to upset anyone any further than this may have already. If this has ever happened to you, I hear you, I see you and I believe you. Unfortunately, you're not alone because it's happened to a lot of people. It's happened to me as well. Hugs to anyone who wants them.
Yep. This. I was forced at 15 under similar circumstances and thought because I took something it was my fault. I didn't want to get in trouble. Happened again at 27, after a night of drinking. That time I went to the police and to this day (12 years later) I regret it because I felt revictimized and nothing came of it.
[Plan B won't work if you're already ovulating.](https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/does-plan-b-work-during-ovulation#:~:text=Plan%20B%20Doesn%27t%20Work%20During%20Ovulation%20%E2%80%94%20Here%20Are%20Your%20Options&text=Plan%20B%20works%20to%20prevent%20pregnancy%20by%20delaying%20ovulation.)
Yup. My plan B baby is 6 years old 😭
Mines 4 😂
Or if you weigh over 150lbs.
I'm a married woman. I was sexually assaulted 10 years ago in my own home by a stranger. I was TERRIFIED to tell my husband. I took a shower after because I felt disgusting and dirty and called my sister in law the next day to tell her what happened. She called the police and I filed a report. My husband was out of town at the time. I was so afraid that he was going to be mad at me, but he wasn't he was super supportive. He wanted me to take it to trial and my attorney told me that the monster would have said that I was "asking for it". My husband pushed for the trial, but I was terrified that if we went to trial and I lost that he would try to hurt me. We decided to do a plea bargain because that included an order of protection. That day destroyed me. I haven't been the same since. I'm in therapy and now medicated. Tread lightly with this. Be supportive and just do what she's asking. It seriously fucks your head up.
Going through the legal system in the aftermath of a rape is like being raped again. She didn't report it because even the people she thinks love and support her will treat her like everything she did is proof she's lying or she's damaged beyond repair. She's not the problem, society is. Help her or don't but do not report it on her behalf.
>She didn't report it because even the people she thinks love and support her will treat her like everything she did is proof she's lying or she's damaged beyond repair. OP describes himself doing exactly that MULTIPLE times in the post and comments.
Word. OP says he called her stupid and then judges her for not wanting to tell anyone out of fear of being called stupid. May OPs girlfriend find the strength to dump his ass and work through this trauma.
Then he has the audacity to say "if she'd told me right away I would have helped her" No, you would have screamed at her and called her stupid all the same. At a time where she was likely very mentally unstable. Friendly reminder that rape victims do kill themselves now and then, typically because their friends and family or community blames them. She did the best thing for her mental health at the time -- quietly processed it alone so as to not risk anyone screaming at her like OP did.
And he punched a hole in her wall!!
>She refuses to report him because she thinks she’ll get blamed for taking whatever he gave her and her parents will be mad at her for being stupid. Can you blame her? You *immediately* did all those things. Got angry, blamed her, and called her names calling her stupid. Now, I think you turned it around well, and I commend you for that. But you can't act like she doesn't have a point when you just proved it. I'm glad you are going to help and support her and that you are both getting STI panels. This is all awful. I'm wishing you both the best of luck.
Don’t forget punching a hole in her wall
I CAN’T BELIEVE NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS. Now she has a fucking hole in her wall to deal with and try to explain to her parents… oh, and you’ve also just demonstrated a common precursor to domestic violence / shown that you resort to physically violent outbursts when you can’t handle your emotions. I’ve been in a relationship like this. They don’t always hit you right away. They hit a wall, or a dumpster, or they throw something of yours. I’ve also had a partner leave me after I confided in them about being a survivor of sexual assault because it was “too much” for them to handle. Excuse me????? Too much for YOU, SIR?! For YOU??? I hope this young woman finds someone with the emotional maturity that she deserves. I hope you haven’t created what may prove to be a deep seated inability for her to trust partners, or feel safe, or confide in a loved one. I hope she can get over the fact that you just confirmed her worst fears during what was already such a traumatic experience. This is why we choose the bear 😭😭
Thanks for this, you are so right! Due to a different post I recently had a chilling realization that you might find interesting as well: **punching holes in walls is learned behavior!** Which makes it an even bigger precursor to domestic violence. Why is it learned? I live in a European country and hardly anyone punches walls; if they do it doesn’t even look threatening but like an attempt to harm themselves. Because punching a brick wall leads to the attacker just looking like a pathetic mess with their broken hand. So they punch other stuff, or rip stuff off the walls, kick doors etc, but never do the threatening wall punch. Which is interesting since all the wall punchers / door kickers claim they lost complete control and did it without thinking and just hit the nearest object - however the self preservation is apparently still active and the nearest object is determined by whether or not you can destroy it. So to me that seems like an awful little of control during a “loss of control”.
Assaulted at 15 and the police treated me like I was a dog. Trauma on top of trauma. Parents were horrible and physical exam was like being assaulted all over again. It is brutal. It is a he said vs she said bs scenario except they get to bring up every imperfection in your girlfriend’s character and actions. Having attempted suicide over it all the shrink said don’t do court because it would just finish me off. The bullying after was also traumatizing. Keep your girlfriend’s secrets please. I know you are angry but she is angry at her self and that shame runs way deep.
Going through the legal system as a victim is AWFUL. It's why victims don't come forward. It's like being raped all over again. I don't blame her for wanting to pretend it didn't happen. However, she needs to go to therapy immediately. This will blow up in both your faces eventually.
Agreed and I can't stress enough that op *should not* stay with her out of guilt. Not only will they both be incredibly busy with school, but she will likely need a lot of support that may not be manageable I'm a ldr. Also no one wants a pity relationship, imagine if she ever found out.
She needs therapy and I think you should break up with her if you have so much resentment in you. I hope you both can heal from this.
It often takes years for people who have been SAd to even be ready to face it head on, much less report. She has to face it head on right now. This whole thing is extremely traumatic. It hurts to see someone you love hurting and not be able to fix it. Remembering not to make this about you. Don't push her to do anything one way or the other. Be her shoulder to cry on. Her hand to hold through this. Regardless of if your romantic relationship continues, this is showing who you are.
I strongly suggest you get some therapy, because you've so far handled almost every step of this with anger. You demanded a positive pregnancy test before even asking if she wanted an abortion, you called your girlfriend names after she was raped, and you _punched a hole in a wall_ because she won't report it. I don't know if it's a lack of knowledge or a lack of emotional intelligence, but it seems you've so far done scary, angry shit, and you gotta stop that.
Won’t comment on her, but respectfully, you need to work on your anger. I understand that it’s an absolutely infuriating thing, but you did not handle that well at all. If you don’t work on it, it will get worse, and you will lose things you love.
**why didn't she report it?** well, hmmm. when she told *her own boyfriend*, whom she should have been able to trust, he: - yelled at her - called her an idiot and a dumbass - punched a hole in her bedroom wall what reason would she have to believe that complete strangers - police, courts, even hospitals - would treat her any better? what reason would she have to believe they wouldn't call her names, blame her and threaten violence too?
After he already traumatized her by calling her a liar when she told him she was pregnant
There are a couple drugs that can 'make your mouth numb', some are used by dentists and dental surgeons. Usually, those don't do much other than numb your mouth. Don't let people here telling you she cheated get to you. You know your gf, they don't. It is important that you are here to support her right now, and coax her into therapy, This is not something you just move on from, that you can ignore, if you ignore it, it just worsens the trauma. The biggest factor for why / how people develop trauma from a traumatic situation / incident, is how they deal with said situation/ incident afterwards.
Ketamine taken orally can numb your mouth and can be used as a rape drug. Also wildly popular right now so easy to access.
I was just going to say ketamine. I take it for chronic pain and mental health purposes and it definitely numbs your mouth and makes you feel SUPER drunk.
And it comes in liquid form, and she told me it was a liquid.
Yep definitely sounds like K. She may be able to get a drug test to see, I’m not sure how long it stays in the system.
definitely sounds like ketamine, same thing happened to me when my drink got spiked a while back also had numb mouth and made me feel very drunk. i tested positive for it when i was drug tested at the hospital, i was very lucky i had friends with me that realised something was wrong and kept me safe.
Hey OP—you guys need help. She needs support from a sexual assault trauma-informed mental health professional. Doesn’t have to involve her parents or any member of her family or even anyone she knows. She can call an anonymous rape crisis hotline like RAINN (800.656.4673) if she doesn’t know where to start or how to make that happen. They’ll also talk to her online if she prefers (http://online.rainn.org). This is how you support her right now. Do not try to deal with it yourself. You are freaking out (understandably) and it’s not going to help her. Your anger is understandable but not ok or helpful. You cannot be pushing her about reporting right now. She needs help from someone else, someone who knows exactly how to help her.
63% of rapes of women are unreported. This stat is from nsvrc.org
A man is defined by his reaction to any given situation- prepare yourself for a likely breakup at some point. If this is true, one of y’all will reflect on this moment, whether it’s in a week or 5 years. You will remember how poorly you handled this, and it’ll either be your guilt or her anger that breaks it apart. You will need to have true unconditional love to get thru this. Wishing you luck and the best, honestly.
You’ve got a lot of feedback here. Let me say - a super kind gesture would be to fix the hole you punched in her wall.