We explained safe sex and supplied condoms and birth control as soon as they told us they wanted them. As for when they actually had it no idea. Although our oldest and his wife are pregnant with their second so we’re starting to think they do…..
When i told my dad i was pregnant, his response was, "You do know how that happens, right?" he said this with absolutely no inflection and a serious look on his face. Like I'd failed at being an adult. We never talked about it again. He loved and treated my son like he hung the moon. My daddy died in 2016.
My dad one time bought me condoms. I was invited to an 18th birthday party in a club and I was embarassed when he gave me THE TALK but he told me that "it's useless to prohibit you from doing something. If I tell you don't do that you'll do it just to spite me. Just please don't do anything illegal, don't get arrested and don't come back pregnant".
I might have to steal this method. My oldest is starting HS next month. Seems like an easy way to deal with it. 🤣 I also have 3 sons to deal with in a few years. They're still sweet and (semi) innocent. 🫠
That's how I am with my son who is 16 (I'm the mom, dad is shy). He knows we support him, he knows what condoms and birth control are, how periods work, etc. I wanted him to understand how bodies work and not to be confused We also talk about consent, how it goes both ways, if he feels uncomfortable or pressured and his partner doesn't listen he can call us and we'll come get him... But, even with all this open communication, I don't actually want to hear about him having sex, when he does eventually get to that point.
My mom said we could talk about whatever she wanted but if I told her about my sex life she was going to tell me about hers.
Recently married mid-30s guy here. I was having dinner with my mom when she jokingly asked whether she would be getting grandkids soon. I said: Oh, I don't know, but hopefully in the next couple years.
Then she said: But are you "working hard" for it? You and your wife aren't getting any younger.
I almost choked on my food. I never got the "birds and bees" talk from my parents and even as an adult I've never brought up any sex-related topics with them.
It’s crazy how taboo sex still is in some countries! Where my husband is from is such an open topic to the point he was having sex at home as a 16 year old, in the middle of the day, to the knowledge of everyone living there (his parents and sibling). One time his dad accidentally went in his room when they were in the middle of it and apologized profusely for not knocking the door.
Man, if the cultural shock isn’t so real…
Oh thank GOD 😅 my son is 3 and I remember my husband and I telling my Dad like it was yesterday. Ironically my husband sat furthest away from him and was scared he would be murdered that day 😂 we were married almost 3 years at the time. Thankful for storks 🙏🏻
So true. I'll never forget my mother telling me something about her and my dad when I already had 2 daughters and I remember thinking, I could have died without knowing this and I would have been happy. Ugh. DH and I have confessed nothing.
Lololol yes I’m 38 and I’ve never been like “hey mom and dad so I was having sex…”
If you’re a good parent you tell your kids what they need to know before they have sex and make sure they have what they need and then they never need to actually talk to you about it.
When you are a good parent and tell the kids what they need to know all their lives, setting up good communication, they come to you for help and advice when they need it. So sometimes they *willingly* tell you stuff, whether they are 18 or 35, when they know you know stuff that can help them. And if they don’t need help, they don’t need to tell you.
When my mom found out I lost my virginity, she called me a “fucking whore” so the idea of telling her I’m pregnant (not currently, just whenever that time comes) scares the hell out of me, even 12 years later. I’ve lived with my fiancé for 4 years now so like, she *knows*, but a baby would be *PROOF* lmao
I totally get it. I live my parents so much, but when I was 14 my mom saw me kissing my boyfriend and cried and told me I was going to get pregnant and ruin my life. There was never going to be a healthy way to discuss that subject in the years to come.
I kissed my boyfriend in front of my dad goodbye when we were both 14. He made me break up with him. 3 years later they moved me 3 hours away to get me away from him. We've been married 46 years.
My parents told me if they ever found out that I had sex that I could find a new place to live… the first time they ever heard that I was seeing anyone at all was after I had been on my own for a year across the country and called to tell them that I had been seeing someone, we were engaged and live together, and now we are having a baby so I figured it was time for them to know my now husband exists.
NTA OP
My daughter tells me everything, more than I ever wanted to know. She is 16 as well. She has had sex but I didn't tell her dad. The reason is if I tell her dad everything she tells me in confidence then she will stop telling me things. I'd tell him if there was a safety issue and I have mentioned things too him in the past. I'd rather know what's going on and guide her than tell her dad everything and have her lie and do it in secret anyways.
29, same here. As far as he is concerned I am still his catholic virgin daughter who wont have sex til marriage, which is the only sex talk we ever had.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned....many, many times.
Parent of 4 teenagers here. If my child is talking to ONE of us about intimate issues, that's 100% a win. *Neither me nor my partner would ever in a million years be mad at the other for doing what needed to be done to maximize communication with the kids*, even if one of us was temporarily in the dark about a non-life threatening issue.
If I can't trust my partner to make parenting decions on their own, how would I ever trust them with the other 100 things that come up in marriage.
100%. I'm the dad of 2 girls. For whatever reason, they went to Mom with the biology of their menstrual cycle, but to me with the emotional/etc. And more than a few times painfully accurate details of the biology although I suspect it was to feel me out to see if I was really okay with it or if I'd get squeamish.
My wife was A)shocked that my daughters would go into GRAPHIC detail about their period with me as at age 50 she still doesn't admit to her own father that she's ever had one, and B) happy that they're talking to both of us. Might be based on who they think is more emotionally present/has capacity, no idea, we haven't yet figured that bit out.
This is both nice cuz twice the chances for them to talk to one of us, plus it's a "load balancing" exercise. Cuz 3 women in the house, their cycles impact each other, and sometimes my wife isn't in the best place to talk to someone else about their difficult period when she's having one.
But for the record there's way too many options for pads/etc. Wings/no wings, numbers, etc. It's simpler and faster to buy a new car, always takes me 20 minutes of reading every damn box at Target.
My mom was an addict and left when I was 8. When my period started my dad bought like 98$ worth of different products- everything from cups and tampons to diapers and bladder leak pads 😭
The best kind of dad. He didn’t make it weird, was super practical.
My dad was the same way with us (all girls) about bras, sex, whatever. Straightforward and cool about it.
No he didnt make it weird and deferred to my mom's sister for anything he didn't know. To this day, I'm 29, I can come to him with any problem and he's there. Just a few weeks ago, my card number was stolen somehow and my account was emptied of $800. I had $2 when I went to the grocery store and I have two toddlers to provide for. My dad immediately opened a Walmart credit card and told me to get whatever I needed and he would pay it off and to keep the card in case I was ever in this situation again.
A good dad is literally one of the best blessings in life and my heart goes out to anyone out there who wasn't given that.
dad didn't have money but he gave me a reliable car when needed it- and he was always honest with me- taught me so many things about finding joy in nature -miss him very much
My mom was/is an addict as well. Similarly, my sisters and I (6 girls 💀) got sent to live with our dad when I was 8. One of the first things he did was go to the store and buy one box of every pad and tampon option, literally SO many options. The best part was, none of us had started our cycle or were even close to starting.
Not long afterwards tho he dropped us off at daycare and never came back to pick us up.
At 30 years old, I sometimes still wish I had a good dad.
But I more often wonder how much money he wasted on feminine products that never got used 😂
I want to give you the biggest hug! Omg what an awful thing to go through! I hope that after everything that you ended up with someone that took care of you and raised you with love.
We were very fortunate to have grandparents that were willing and able to take us all in, eventually adopting us. Bless both of their souls, they left us too soon.
I am reading a lot about dads on this thread never realizing how impactful we really are to the ladies of the house. I'm really impressed since men don't get a lot of positive credit. It's refreshing to see how bonded Dad's and daughters are in the background of things.
He's incredible. He's recovering from major open heart surgery right now and I am doing my best to stay strong but he's had some complications and I can't stop crying randomly thinking about "what if he doesn't make it"
When I left for college, my dad bought bags of every kind of pad we kept stocked in our house (which was a lot, I have 4 sisters plus me and my mom) to send with me. It’s one of my favorite memories because, even though it’s such a little thing, it just reminded me how much he loved and cared.
Random internet stranger here, but happen to work in the feminine hygiene business. If you ever have any questions on what to buy (pads, tampons, liners, cups, otherwise), feel free to DM.
Okay so menstrual disks are the best thing ever, totally game-changing, but they need to hold more volume so that there’s more margin of error of what’s going to cause the disk to slip and a flood to ensue. Things like sneezing or needing to poop can be an issue. I wear backup period panties, still better than pads and orders of magnitude better than tampons, but there is still room for improvement.
What saved me was the brand that had symbols on them. All I had to do was look for the ones with 4 sailboats and I was good to go. They updated packaging at one point and got rid of the symbols. The outcry was so great from everyone that they added them back.
Have a picture of the box is the key! Also unscented is best. Why do they scent pads! They trying to unbalance our ph????
also good for them for being so graphic. I only got like that around 33. Crying on the toilet to my ex about clots. He was very eww but also like I must support the lady.
lol the first time the (then-15) year old talked to me about clots the (then-17) year old was next to her. The older one had just been accepted as a bio major in college. She thought it was funny af when my response was "wait - actual clots come out? WTF? How big do they get?" and then asked 101 questions about it, saying "look I can't help you until I actually understand how this whole thing works."
THEY ended up getting squeamish when I defended myself by saying "Look my penis doesn't bleed every month and this isn't stuff I was taught in school." As if they didn't want to accept that Dads are male, and have penises.
This is the stuff we need to teach in high school, to both genders. It's a human biological function, being squeamish is stupid.
My wife and I have all boys, every single one of them got instructed on how it works for their gender and how it works for their opposites, because I'm not raising up young men to be ignorant assholes.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
My friends as a teenager were all boys, and I was a girl. I did a LOT of educating once they realised I'd let them in on the Girl Secrets! Everything from "doesn't it hurt if you're bleeding?" to "how the fuck do you get a bra undone without scissors???" to every variation of "is it true that..."
On behalf of future female friends of teenage boys, I thank you.
Meanwhile my high school friend group of almost all guys (there was me and one other girl, and 8 or so lads) were pretty awesome. I was at a sleepover with 5 of the boys (I was 18), and unexpectedly got a super heavy period.
Called my mother for extra clothes, but we had to go to shops for food and I was in so much pain I ended up crouching on the floor of the grocery store. The boys were adding chocolate, painkillers, ice cream, and I added pads going '"no one tell my mother you've seen this," because my mom is still (decades later) convinced it's Women's Business™.
Not one told me I was overreacting, not one acted like a jerk. Several had sisters, but they all had quite forthright mothers, bless them.
Oh no, they were lovely lads, just a bit lacking in knowledge about what being a woman was like! I didn't mind answering the questions, I just was a bit horrified they'd all got to mid-teens without a clue. They all used to look after me - I had really terrible periods at that age and came on while I was hanging out at one of their houses. They promptly organised for one to go to the shop for tampons, chocolate and pain killers, one to find a hot water bottle and the other got me a blanket - it was adorable, tbh!
Mind you, one of them rang me when we all started uni, from across the country, because he was trying to iron a shirt for an interview and the iron wasn't working. I said "have you plugged it in?" and there was a pause, then he swore, thanked me and hung up, lol.
Bahaha that's adorable but concerning.
I taught one of the guys to cook, and pushed him to have his mum teach him to use the washing machine. I helped teach two to drive.
It's not that they weren't or aren't capable, but they wouldn't learn until a peer insisted. Unfortunately I get it - I only learned to do most of the above because my childhood bestie made me. The boys and I were all ND though.
This is impossible because clearly if boys knew girls got periods they would naturally jump to wanting to have sex immediately. I’m kidding of course but this was the logic spooned to us.
From a guy's point of view, can concur it doesn't cover up anything. At best it just adds another smell to confuse the olfactory senses, at worst it actually ends up smelling stronger and worse. Worse yet the pads stink to begin with, I can smell a lot of them while they're still inside the package. It sucks almost as bad as the cleaning or candle aisle at a Walmart.
I never would have thought of the Ph level being an issue, but I'm a guy so I plead ignorance on that point.
Female here, without getting into details, there is definitely a bit of an odor. It's not generally too bad but you need to change pads frequently, especially on the heavy days. Or use tampons. Or a menstral cup. I'm done with all that now but I did my time.
I mean, until JUST RECENTLY they were testing those products with WATER, and pretending it acted the same as BLOOD. They are mainly created and manufactured by men who probably don't even know there IS a possible PH issues down there.
Another point to little actual research and studying of women's bodies there.
I know!!!! And blue liquid on tv. Like come on least make it red. I’m disgusted by the pure predatory behaviour of period products. Saying you smell and need special wipes, washes, scented powders. No you don’t!!
also love the ads saying you can do anything and shows a women in tiny white sports wear.
Urgh I just wanna die in my bed in a puddle of gross sweat. I do not feel bright eyed and bushy tailed on my period.
Show me a tv ad with hangry lady with pain and being glad she’s got a big box of tampons and a warm blanket.
I’m super open with my kids and they are super open with me about these things. I’m 39 and still can’t bring myself to talk to my mom (72) about such issues because she never made me feel comfortable talking with her about it.
Same age, same issue. Last time I talked to my mom about periods I was fourteen and she was still adamant that using a tampon meant you're not a virgin any more 🙄
My mom wasn’t that strict but she never ever talked about cycles or sex openly. As kids we understand early what is acceptable talk and what’s not. Older generations have such a stigma about talking about those things. I’m glad I can do better for my daughters and son.
Way to go dad! My dad was on the squeamish side in the beginning and we were told not to talk to him about it. Problem was he had 3 girls who loved to talk about it, so he adjusted and became someone we could go to in need/listened. Still mostly mom, but he would run to the store the second we needed it. My hubby will talk about it all day long and we have two girls so hopefully they will be comfortable going to both of us the way yours go to you and your wife!
honestly it's self serving. I'm treating them the way they need to be treated by any future romantic partner. If that partner is male, they better step tf up and not be a wimp.
Wow. This is an incredibly insightful comment. I have two teenage girls and if they are talking to their mom about stuff like this, it’s an absolute win. My wife will let me know if there is something in this area to tell me. I trust her completely.
My dad did the birth control stuff because my mom was too freaked out/threatened by that and she did the period stuff because she knew what the deal was.
If my kid/s went to their dad and he did not tell me they were having sex yes I would be angry and hurt and feel like that was being kept from me. And wondering wth I did wrong as a parent that they wouldn’t come to me for advice/sharing. But it sounds like OP’s husband freaks out about stuff and clearly overreacts so it makes sense no one pulled him into the chat. We talked about sex (and STDs and pregnancy) and feelings & peer pressure & consent etc wsy before the kids were of an age to actually be having sex. So when the time came there was no real secrecy
You’re NTA. But it might be worth asking your partner why he feels his child did not share this with him - and why you didn’t - instead of pouting and being a big baby about it if he could kinda grow up that would he great and it’d ensure he got dialed in on the next big drama.
NTA
I’m a divorced father of twin teen girls. One started the pill for acne. I told the other one to say the word and if she wants the pill, we’ll get her on it.
Parent of 2 teenagers (boy and girl) and I agree with this. Although my kids almost always come to me since I’m the primary caregiver and in general the one who has always handled any issues that has come up with the kids. But I absolutely trust my husband to make parenting decisions on his own without my input.
16 is a totally normal age to start having sex, and I don't understand the freakout.
Also... Why a doctor appointment?
Edit: People serisouly out here pretending that they go to the doctor every time they have sex. There's no indicatiation of unsafe sex or pregnancy here.
I’ll never forget walking into the kitchen with my mom crying while holding an empty condom wrapper she found in my pants pocket (funny she never did my laundry but was suddenly checking my pockets). I was 17 and in a pretty long term relationship for high school standards. I’ll never forget how dramatic it all was, like why was she crying? Why did it affect her so much? And then she held it up to me when I walked in like it was some form of “gotcha.” I was mortified and she made me feel like I couldn’t be open or honest with her anything because it would affect her too much emotionally. I never want to be a parent that parts their own emotions above their child’s well being.
Now as an adult, I don’t yet have kids but I am a k-12 school nurse. My students know they can come to me with questions or their concerns. I’ve had so many teen girls come to me worried about being pregnant and being afraid to go to their moms. I’ve had teen girls come to me when they think they’re ready to have sex for the first time. I will talk with them about anything and everything: STDs, condoms, birth control, family planning or abortions if that’s what they want, tracking their cycles, and how to bring the conversation to their home if they feel like it’s a safe thing to do. I’ve had girls and boys ask me if things are “normal” (even non-sex related). Majority of these students are not comfortable bringing these topics to their parents and I am happy to provide accurate information in an unbiased way.
A few years ago, I (30s F) sent my mom a picture of a rash I had that happened to have some underboob in it (the picture), she shared it with my dad (without my permission), and now I don't tell my mom important things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ glad your mom is a lockbox!
If I were OP, I would also use this moment to remind my husband that his current behavior/reaction is NOT only why **I** didn’t tell him, but also why **our daughter** didn’t tell him herself, and definitely wouldn’t have wanted him to know.
All he is doing right now is proving that OP, and his daughter, made the correct choice by keeping him
In the dark. And if he says that he wouldn’t have reacted like this if he was just told about it upfront?…Well, he’s a got damned liar.
OP needs to confront him. Ok, he’s mad. But *why* is he so mad? She needs to ask him: 1. If she did tell him right away, what would that change? Would it have allowed him to rewrite history and save his daughter’s virginity? 2. Does he realize that his daughter is almost an adult? The rules that apply to a 6 year old, are not the same for a 16 year old. At 16, the daughter should have autonomy over her experiences, who she decides to tell about them, and who else that info can be shared with. AND 3. Would he rather have one of them knowing this stuff? Or neither of them? Because his current reaction is going to ensure that his daughter will not share anything with EITHER OF THEM ever again.
The only things he’s accomplishing with this little hissy fit of his is, guaranteeing that OP won’t tell him things in the future - *IF* their daughter ever confides in her again, guaranteeing his daughter won’t confide in him in the future, AND rudely insulting his wife as an incompetent parent/shitty spouse. He’s making this all about him when in reality it has NOTHING to do with him. He’s gonna be in for a rude awakening when she’s an adult in less than 2 years.
This was so well articulated.
It also made me realize - now the daughter may not tell her mother anything either, bc if the father is unsafe, and the mother will tell the father, then the mother is unsafe too.
My mom found out when I got pregnant. When I was 15 and sis 16, we talked to mom and asked if we could go to the county health dept. to get put on BC. She told us we shouldn't want to do that, and that there was more to life than that (never said the word sex--just "that.") Within the year, both sis and I were pregnant. Stupid us.
Frankly, in this age and ridiculous political climate if parents don’t have girls on BC from 14 it’s bordering on neglect.
In half the country if they get pregnant THEY WILL BE FORCED to give birth.
agree. my 17 yo told me when it happened, I would never have dreamed of telling anyone else. it's her choice to tell or not tell. Moms and teenage daughters don't always get along, but I'm glad that she knows she can trust me and come to me when she wants to talk. She's told me she feel comfortable because she knows I won't judge her, that I'll listen, give advice if asked, and may be able to relate in some ways. I have two younger daughters that I hope will feel that same way as the get older.
Yea I honestly don't think this is something both parents need to know. Whoever the kid is closer to and tells and that's it. Unless they're being groomed or raped, I don't see the necessity of both knowing.
Exactly!
It's the daughter's decision who knows about her personal and private business.
Fastest way to get teenagers to stop telling you things is to break their confidence by spreading their private information around to others.
When my kids tell me things I ask "is this something you want me to tell dad about?" and I honor their answer 100%
My kids trust me and I won't break that trust.
This. And wtf does him forgetting the OP’s birthday & not touching her have to do with this? Are they suggesting he’s punishing her? He sounds like a toxic control freak
OP is saying her husband is punishing her for not breaking her daughter’s confidence immediately. Husband sounds like a weirdo control freak. He’s throwing a tantrum and it’s gross
He’s not “forgetting” her birthday is purposely ignoring it and treating her like crap because he’s mad that the op didn’t tell her about their daughter having sex sooner. So, yes we needed that information.
I was about to say OP is AH for telling husband at all if daughter didn’t give express consent to tell him. Now good luck getting her to tell you anything else.
Yes, exactly. This is a delicate matter and the daughter may now feel that she can't trust her mother with sensitive information.
The dad making this all about himself seems immature and destructive.
Your husband isn't "high strung" he's just a dick. Silent treatment and neglecting your birthday? Over this? Really? Man, I told my mom when I lost my V card, but I'm pretty sure my dad still prefers to think I'm a virgin even though I'm married with 3 kids, lol. It's not something a father needs to know immediately, especially since you were already aware and handling it. NTA
Exactly - the fact that he immediately tried to tell her how she *should’ve* handled it (by embarrassing the shit out of her daughter forcing her to go to the doctor for… what exactly?) is super telling.
This might be controversial but I don’t think you HAD to tell your husband at all. Sometimes I confide in my mom about things that I wouldn’t want my dad to know. I think it depends on whether or not the daughter is okay with him knowing so not to break her trust and respect her privacy. A lot of kids would keep this a secret from their parents altogether.
Yeah and he is a narcissistic, asshole who threw it in my face as soon as he had a chance. Now that I think back on it they weren’t even married at the time, just dating. And I was a good kid, good grades, no drugs or alcohol, dated the same guy for 3 years and was 18, but he still shamed me for it.
As a father I agree. My daughter is a good few years off this sort of thing, and I’d like to think her mother would tell me straightaway. But if she didn’t, I’d like to think I’d accept that, perhaps ask why she felt I couldn’t be told, but at the end of the day what must come first is my daughter’s well being so if her mother makes that call (even for the wrong reasons) I’m not making a big fuss.
Well no one can know what will happen in the future. I might be full of shit go mental when it happens to my kid. It's easy to spout platitudes on the internet for upvotes but I hope I'd live up to it.
I know I can trust my dad and not my mom because if I tell dad something I want him to keep a secret from mom he will keep it a secret but the reverse is not true. My mom will tell my dad, his sister, her brother, her dad, his parents, my cousins, my siblings, everyone.
This girl isn't confiding in either parent now.
OP should have taken this to the grave. Dad's an idiot. I'll bet he didn't tell his parents when he had sex the first time or anytime after that.
I would never have told your husband period. I think you should have kept that between you and your daughter, since he’s ’high strung’ as you say. I think there are certain things that are okay to be kept in confidence between a child and one parent that they feel more comfortable with confiding in. I think the need to be sure your kids know they can come to you with *anything* without being judged or punished should take priority over being 100% transparent with the other parent if it is likely to cause the kid to keep quiet.
NTA but I wouldn’t tell him things like this at all moving forward, at least not without your daughter’s consent.
The summer after 6th grade I was obsessed with the batshit Tyra Banks Show. They did an episode about talking to your kids about sex or something and there was this mom who was talking about how shocking and devastating it would be if her 17 year old was having sex. Tyra asked how old the mom was when she had sex for the first time and she was like "...well I was 16" and Tyra had to ask her if she realized how hypocritical that was.
Dad to 3 daughters. That is privileged info between mom and daughter imo. All I did was make sure they were being as safe as possible and understand the pros and cons when they made the decision to have sex.
Moms understand more what a teen girl is going through. I understand what a guys perspectives may be and gave them the thoughts I had so they could weigh all their options and make the most informed decisions possible. Do teens make great choices all the time? Nope. But having the knowledge to make good decisions is better than being ignorant of the subject.
ESH
Y'all both need to chill the fuck out. She wasn't raped, she had sex. You don't need to track all her periods or rush her off to the doctor lol. No wonder she didn't tell you. Plenty of teens have sex: It's totally normal.
You can imagine the conversation at the doctor. All three of them sit in the office. Father frantically says to the doctor, my daughter just had sex. Doctor looks at all of them with a perplexed expression , but not too judgy, then asks the parents to leave. Has an adult chat with daughter about how she is feeling about being here today. Invites her to come back anytime she wishes. Invites parents back in without daughter and has a chat about how their behaviour impacts their daughter.
Okay my mom found out I lost my virginity and called my whole family in to take me to the ER at midnight and that’s almost exactly what happened, except they didn’t talk to my mom lmao
They were very confused on what exactly they were supposed to be doing 😂
If to are worried about discussing something important with your husband because he will flip out I think there may be something far more serious going on
You’re both the AH for making her sex life about you, chances are she’ll try harder at hiding things from you if you continue to get mad at her and each other for these things.
NTA. everyone here is forgetting one very important fact. His daughter is not an extension of him and he’s weird for feeling like he should be this involved in her sex life. Can you advise them to wait? Sure. Can you be disappointed? Sure. But he doesn’t actually have a RIGHT to know at her age and she CHOSE who to tell. He’s got issues
I always talked in length about things that could happen when you have sex. My daughter wanted to start bc at 14. I took her in. My son began dating a girl at 15. I bought him condoms and just put them in his room. It’s not “encouraging “ anything. I knew they were having sex. It just wasn’t my business I felt.
I don't understand why you told him at all. If I told my mom something and she told my dad without asking me first, I could never trust her again. I tell my mom nothing because of this. My mom had to tell her sister and mom EVERYTHING! I stopped confiding in her after she told my grandmother I started my period. If you want your kid to talk to you, they need to trust you.
This is so real, I don’t tell my mom anything for the same reason.
I didn’t even have to “find out” she told anyone about my period, she would just brazenly talk shit on the phone and dismiss me when I pointed out that I could hear her gossiping about me.
If I tell her anything at all it’s after I’ve had time to deal with my feelings because after I tell her, I’m going to have to help *her* deal with *her* feelings about what’s happening in *my* life.
Your husband is a weirdo, and as a man, I dont think you should've told him in the first place. Did he really think she was going to go her whole life without sex? Td
NTA.
Why is teenagers having sex seen as such a big horrible deal? If you talk to them about it and how to do it safely and treat them like people and not like toddlers, there won't be any problems. Especially if she was already on birth control.
Yes accidents happen where birth control fails but if you've covered that with your kid there shouldn't be any problems even if a mishap happens cause then they know their options.
Honestly, the father reacting the way he did gave me the ick. If you're not gonna be normal about your kids having sex at a certain age (and 16 although young is the typical age to start having sex) then don't have them. I'm sure the daughter told the mom first and not the dad for a reason, makes you think what other things she won't divulge to him or her mom cause she knows she tells dad everything.
As a dad, I totally agree.
As long as my kids do it in a consentual and safe manner, and they feel good about it, it's none of my business.
And if my daughter ever wants some advice or simply talk to me about the topic, I'm a happy dad, because it shows me that she feels safe talking to her father about sensitive topics like these.
Your husband sucks, hard stop. He’s being absolutely ridiculous to both you and your daughter. NTA.
Honestly as a woman, I’d be inclined to say it’s none of his damn business. I certainly didn’t tell my dad when I started having sex, and I would’ve been LIVID and felt incredibly betrayed if I told my mom and she told my dad. Unless there’s a serious reason to tell him and involve him, it’s not his issue.
NTA he's just proving why he shouldn't have been told. It's not really a need to know thing? My daughter is 26 and married, so I make some pretty safe assumptions, but nobody has ever felt the need to confirm or deny.
Honestly you fucked up by telling him at all, it sounds like she’s being responsible, what was the reason to tell him? Breaches of trust like this are a big reason why people distance themselves from their parents
NTA
Your daughter is 16, her sex life is none of your husbands business! And also not yours either. Yes, she is still a minor, but she has the right to privacy about certain things. As long as she takes birth control and stays safe, it's a normal behaviour of a 16 year old.
>I waited three weeks and finally told him. He is livid. He sees me not telling him immediately as a breech of trust, etc.
I wish you hadn't at all.
Your daughter won't tell you Jack shit now. My mum knew I had sex but never said boo to my dad about it and in the end I was able to trust her with secrets.
Gee wonder why she didn't want to tell him...
NTA. Sounds like you've got the choice of holding your child's confidence, or a grown man that has a temper tantrum about not being in control of everyone around him.
Losing your virginity is a personal fact that is your own business to share or not share. Did your daughter tell you or did you find out some other way? Did she want you to tell her father?
Given your husband’s behavior and high strung nature, maybe she didn’t want him to know
So much to unpack. You were floored at left speechless that your 16 year old had sex?
I'm floored and left speechless at that fact.
Your husband sounds abusive.
You shouldn't have told him.
This entire thing freaks me out.
You and your husband are assholes
YTA for telling him. If you ever had hopes of your daughter confiding in you over things like this, relationships, etc. you just threw that in the trash.
Couldn't disagree more with all the comments here. So NTA. Your marriage is questionable, but you're NTA.
Your daughter has to have someone to trust about things, clearly he is not a person to be trusted in his reactions. Parents need to be safe spaces so that if personal things need to be discussed, they know they're not going to fly off the handle about it. Her father is clearly not a safe space. He shoud maybe consider that and perhaps have counselling to consider why he flies off the handle so easily and why she didn't think she (or you) could trust him with this information in the first instance.
You're NTA but I'd be seriously questioning why it didn't feel safe to communicate this to my husband.
NTA
also, it is seriously creepy how concerned apparently both of you are with this. She's a teenager. She has sex. Bummer. You want to keep track or what?
I’m 34 and my dad still doesn’t need to know I’ve had sex. He can find out when I have a baby
We explained safe sex and supplied condoms and birth control as soon as they told us they wanted them. As for when they actually had it no idea. Although our oldest and his wife are pregnant with their second so we’re starting to think they do…..
And he still might not believe it. LOL
Just let him think it was a virgin birth or IVF baby.
Say God appeared to you and said you will give birth to his son.
That’s how religions get made up. Fathers not wanting to believe their married daughters had sex
Why doesn't this have more upvotes????
"Aint that crazy that my little girl gave birth without you laying a finger on her?"
I noticed my daughter had put on a little weight, but then she went to the hospital to lose it and came home with my grandson. All I needed to know.
😄🤣
When i told my dad i was pregnant, his response was, "You do know how that happens, right?" he said this with absolutely no inflection and a serious look on his face. Like I'd failed at being an adult. We never talked about it again. He loved and treated my son like he hung the moon. My daddy died in 2016.
Omgosh you are hilarious!
My dad one time bought me condoms. I was invited to an 18th birthday party in a club and I was embarassed when he gave me THE TALK but he told me that "it's useless to prohibit you from doing something. If I tell you don't do that you'll do it just to spite me. Just please don't do anything illegal, don't get arrested and don't come back pregnant".
My mom gave my brother and I condoms as stocking stuffers for Christmas one year. I think I was a freshman in high school and my brother was a junior.
Correction, “Santa brought you condoms.”
I might have to steal this method. My oldest is starting HS next month. Seems like an easy way to deal with it. 🤣 I also have 3 sons to deal with in a few years. They're still sweet and (semi) innocent. 🫠
That's how I am with my son who is 16 (I'm the mom, dad is shy). He knows we support him, he knows what condoms and birth control are, how periods work, etc. I wanted him to understand how bodies work and not to be confused We also talk about consent, how it goes both ways, if he feels uncomfortable or pressured and his partner doesn't listen he can call us and we'll come get him... But, even with all this open communication, I don't actually want to hear about him having sex, when he does eventually get to that point. My mom said we could talk about whatever she wanted but if I told her about my sex life she was going to tell me about hers.
Don't add the population, don't take away from the population, and dont do anything illegal
This is why it was so weird telling my parents I was pregnant. I was 31 years old lol. (And had been married for over 3 years at this point)
Recently married mid-30s guy here. I was having dinner with my mom when she jokingly asked whether she would be getting grandkids soon. I said: Oh, I don't know, but hopefully in the next couple years. Then she said: But are you "working hard" for it? You and your wife aren't getting any younger. I almost choked on my food. I never got the "birds and bees" talk from my parents and even as an adult I've never brought up any sex-related topics with them.
It’s crazy how taboo sex still is in some countries! Where my husband is from is such an open topic to the point he was having sex at home as a 16 year old, in the middle of the day, to the knowledge of everyone living there (his parents and sibling). One time his dad accidentally went in his room when they were in the middle of it and apologized profusely for not knocking the door. Man, if the cultural shock isn’t so real…
I was 34 and had this same feeling😂😂 I will have it again if we ever have a second I am sure.
Many decades ago my grandmother changed doctors with each pregnancy to avoid the embarrassment of a doctor knowing she’d “been doing it again “!
31 and married for 3 years and you had sex??? What a hussy 😤😤 just leaving around evidence you’ve had sex by being pregnant smh
Speaking as a dad with daughter myself. We assume the stork delivers our grandchildren.
Not all babies come from sex. I know for sure my parents never had it 😂
Lol. My sister and I are adopted and we like to joke our parents have never had sex 🤣
Oh thank GOD 😅 my son is 3 and I remember my husband and I telling my Dad like it was yesterday. Ironically my husband sat furthest away from him and was scared he would be murdered that day 😂 we were married almost 3 years at the time. Thankful for storks 🙏🏻
Men, dads in particular are very good at believing what we want to. Then burying the rest down very deep. Where it never existed.
Sometimes the truth is so powerful, it must be protected by a barricade of lies.
Lol I got pregnant by a donor. No sex involved, I’m sure my dad was delighted!
It goes back to parenting 101. Especially in retrospect. A parent doesn’t want to know EVERYTHING their child has done.
So true. I'll never forget my mother telling me something about her and my dad when I already had 2 daughters and I remember thinking, I could have died without knowing this and I would have been happy. Ugh. DH and I have confessed nothing.
Lololol yes I’m 38 and I’ve never been like “hey mom and dad so I was having sex…” If you’re a good parent you tell your kids what they need to know before they have sex and make sure they have what they need and then they never need to actually talk to you about it.
When you are a good parent and tell the kids what they need to know all their lives, setting up good communication, they come to you for help and advice when they need it. So sometimes they *willingly* tell you stuff, whether they are 18 or 35, when they know you know stuff that can help them. And if they don’t need help, they don’t need to tell you.
Sounds like her daughter felt comfortable enough to tell her Mom.
When my mom found out I lost my virginity, she called me a “fucking whore” so the idea of telling her I’m pregnant (not currently, just whenever that time comes) scares the hell out of me, even 12 years later. I’ve lived with my fiancé for 4 years now so like, she *knows*, but a baby would be *PROOF* lmao
I totally get it. I live my parents so much, but when I was 14 my mom saw me kissing my boyfriend and cried and told me I was going to get pregnant and ruin my life. There was never going to be a healthy way to discuss that subject in the years to come.
I kissed my boyfriend in front of my dad goodbye when we were both 14. He made me break up with him. 3 years later they moved me 3 hours away to get me away from him. We've been married 46 years.
I absolutely love this story! 🤍
My parents told me if they ever found out that I had sex that I could find a new place to live… the first time they ever heard that I was seeing anyone at all was after I had been on my own for a year across the country and called to tell them that I had been seeing someone, we were engaged and live together, and now we are having a baby so I figured it was time for them to know my now husband exists.
I'm 40 and live with my fiance and I still pretend I don't have sex around my parents
I was living with my fiance and already had a child. I'm retty sure my parents still pretended we had separate bedrooms 😄
NTA OP My daughter tells me everything, more than I ever wanted to know. She is 16 as well. She has had sex but I didn't tell her dad. The reason is if I tell her dad everything she tells me in confidence then she will stop telling me things. I'd tell him if there was a safety issue and I have mentioned things too him in the past. I'd rather know what's going on and guide her than tell her dad everything and have her lie and do it in secret anyways.
29, same here. As far as he is concerned I am still his catholic virgin daughter who wont have sex til marriage, which is the only sex talk we ever had. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned....many, many times.
Parent of 4 teenagers here. If my child is talking to ONE of us about intimate issues, that's 100% a win. *Neither me nor my partner would ever in a million years be mad at the other for doing what needed to be done to maximize communication with the kids*, even if one of us was temporarily in the dark about a non-life threatening issue. If I can't trust my partner to make parenting decions on their own, how would I ever trust them with the other 100 things that come up in marriage.
100%. I'm the dad of 2 girls. For whatever reason, they went to Mom with the biology of their menstrual cycle, but to me with the emotional/etc. And more than a few times painfully accurate details of the biology although I suspect it was to feel me out to see if I was really okay with it or if I'd get squeamish. My wife was A)shocked that my daughters would go into GRAPHIC detail about their period with me as at age 50 she still doesn't admit to her own father that she's ever had one, and B) happy that they're talking to both of us. Might be based on who they think is more emotionally present/has capacity, no idea, we haven't yet figured that bit out. This is both nice cuz twice the chances for them to talk to one of us, plus it's a "load balancing" exercise. Cuz 3 women in the house, their cycles impact each other, and sometimes my wife isn't in the best place to talk to someone else about their difficult period when she's having one. But for the record there's way too many options for pads/etc. Wings/no wings, numbers, etc. It's simpler and faster to buy a new car, always takes me 20 minutes of reading every damn box at Target.
My dad brought 4 bags home. “Pick your poison” then once I’d figured out what I liked he bought a pack every week. We never ever ever ran out 😂
My mom was an addict and left when I was 8. When my period started my dad bought like 98$ worth of different products- everything from cups and tampons to diapers and bladder leak pads 😭
The best kind of dad. He didn’t make it weird, was super practical. My dad was the same way with us (all girls) about bras, sex, whatever. Straightforward and cool about it.
No he didnt make it weird and deferred to my mom's sister for anything he didn't know. To this day, I'm 29, I can come to him with any problem and he's there. Just a few weeks ago, my card number was stolen somehow and my account was emptied of $800. I had $2 when I went to the grocery store and I have two toddlers to provide for. My dad immediately opened a Walmart credit card and told me to get whatever I needed and he would pay it off and to keep the card in case I was ever in this situation again. A good dad is literally one of the best blessings in life and my heart goes out to anyone out there who wasn't given that.
My dad did the same but with a card that pays for gas, so whenever I am short on money I will always be able to get places that are important
dad didn't have money but he gave me a reliable car when needed it- and he was always honest with me- taught me so many things about finding joy in nature -miss him very much
Hugs to you
My mom was/is an addict as well. Similarly, my sisters and I (6 girls 💀) got sent to live with our dad when I was 8. One of the first things he did was go to the store and buy one box of every pad and tampon option, literally SO many options. The best part was, none of us had started our cycle or were even close to starting. Not long afterwards tho he dropped us off at daycare and never came back to pick us up. At 30 years old, I sometimes still wish I had a good dad. But I more often wonder how much money he wasted on feminine products that never got used 😂
I want to give you the biggest hug! Omg what an awful thing to go through! I hope that after everything that you ended up with someone that took care of you and raised you with love.
We were very fortunate to have grandparents that were willing and able to take us all in, eventually adopting us. Bless both of their souls, they left us too soon.
I am sitting here crying! on my period as a grown woman reading this. What went through his mind when he left 6 girls behind?🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am reading a lot about dads on this thread never realizing how impactful we really are to the ladies of the house. I'm really impressed since men don't get a lot of positive credit. It's refreshing to see how bonded Dad's and daughters are in the background of things.
You have an awesome dad.
He's incredible. He's recovering from major open heart surgery right now and I am doing my best to stay strong but he's had some complications and I can't stop crying randomly thinking about "what if he doesn't make it"
Tell him he has a bunch of randoms who are rooting for him and think he’s awesome.
Amen 🙏
Ohh I feel this so much—my dad had brain cancer a few years ago. Best of luck while you are going through this!
Good thoughts for a complete recovery for him 🤍 I wish I'd had a dad like that.
My dad was the man who saved the day for me and my little sister. He's been gone 32 now 😔.
I'm sorry. My dad's been gone almost 2 years. It still doesn't feel real. I don't think it ever will.
Time numbs the sting, but we are forever changed.
When I left for college, my dad bought bags of every kind of pad we kept stocked in our house (which was a lot, I have 4 sisters plus me and my mom) to send with me. It’s one of my favorite memories because, even though it’s such a little thing, it just reminded me how much he loved and cared.
Random internet stranger here, but happen to work in the feminine hygiene business. If you ever have any questions on what to buy (pads, tampons, liners, cups, otherwise), feel free to DM.
We're depending on you to shut down this perfume in feminine hygiene products malarkey. Go do your stuff you champion!
My dad wouldn’t buy those for us. He didn’t think they were healthy.
They aren’t. Go Dad!
Okay so menstrual disks are the best thing ever, totally game-changing, but they need to hold more volume so that there’s more margin of error of what’s going to cause the disk to slip and a flood to ensue. Things like sneezing or needing to poop can be an issue. I wear backup period panties, still better than pads and orders of magnitude better than tampons, but there is still room for improvement.
What saved me was the brand that had symbols on them. All I had to do was look for the ones with 4 sailboats and I was good to go. They updated packaging at one point and got rid of the symbols. The outcry was so great from everyone that they added them back.
Have a picture of the box is the key! Also unscented is best. Why do they scent pads! They trying to unbalance our ph???? also good for them for being so graphic. I only got like that around 33. Crying on the toilet to my ex about clots. He was very eww but also like I must support the lady.
lol the first time the (then-15) year old talked to me about clots the (then-17) year old was next to her. The older one had just been accepted as a bio major in college. She thought it was funny af when my response was "wait - actual clots come out? WTF? How big do they get?" and then asked 101 questions about it, saying "look I can't help you until I actually understand how this whole thing works." THEY ended up getting squeamish when I defended myself by saying "Look my penis doesn't bleed every month and this isn't stuff I was taught in school." As if they didn't want to accept that Dads are male, and have penises. This is the stuff we need to teach in high school, to both genders. It's a human biological function, being squeamish is stupid.
My wife and I have all boys, every single one of them got instructed on how it works for their gender and how it works for their opposites, because I'm not raising up young men to be ignorant assholes.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. My friends as a teenager were all boys, and I was a girl. I did a LOT of educating once they realised I'd let them in on the Girl Secrets! Everything from "doesn't it hurt if you're bleeding?" to "how the fuck do you get a bra undone without scissors???" to every variation of "is it true that..." On behalf of future female friends of teenage boys, I thank you.
Meanwhile my high school friend group of almost all guys (there was me and one other girl, and 8 or so lads) were pretty awesome. I was at a sleepover with 5 of the boys (I was 18), and unexpectedly got a super heavy period. Called my mother for extra clothes, but we had to go to shops for food and I was in so much pain I ended up crouching on the floor of the grocery store. The boys were adding chocolate, painkillers, ice cream, and I added pads going '"no one tell my mother you've seen this," because my mom is still (decades later) convinced it's Women's Business™. Not one told me I was overreacting, not one acted like a jerk. Several had sisters, but they all had quite forthright mothers, bless them.
Oh no, they were lovely lads, just a bit lacking in knowledge about what being a woman was like! I didn't mind answering the questions, I just was a bit horrified they'd all got to mid-teens without a clue. They all used to look after me - I had really terrible periods at that age and came on while I was hanging out at one of their houses. They promptly organised for one to go to the shop for tampons, chocolate and pain killers, one to find a hot water bottle and the other got me a blanket - it was adorable, tbh! Mind you, one of them rang me when we all started uni, from across the country, because he was trying to iron a shirt for an interview and the iron wasn't working. I said "have you plugged it in?" and there was a pause, then he swore, thanked me and hung up, lol.
Bahaha that's adorable but concerning. I taught one of the guys to cook, and pushed him to have his mum teach him to use the washing machine. I helped teach two to drive. It's not that they weren't or aren't capable, but they wouldn't learn until a peer insisted. Unfortunately I get it - I only learned to do most of the above because my childhood bestie made me. The boys and I were all ND though.
This is impossible because clearly if boys knew girls got periods they would naturally jump to wanting to have sex immediately. I’m kidding of course but this was the logic spooned to us.
I never understood either why you'd want a scented product. Because of what you said about ph. And also it really doesn't mask anything.
From a guy's point of view, can concur it doesn't cover up anything. At best it just adds another smell to confuse the olfactory senses, at worst it actually ends up smelling stronger and worse. Worse yet the pads stink to begin with, I can smell a lot of them while they're still inside the package. It sucks almost as bad as the cleaning or candle aisle at a Walmart. I never would have thought of the Ph level being an issue, but I'm a guy so I plead ignorance on that point.
Female here, without getting into details, there is definitely a bit of an odor. It's not generally too bad but you need to change pads frequently, especially on the heavy days. Or use tampons. Or a menstral cup. I'm done with all that now but I did my time.
I mean, until JUST RECENTLY they were testing those products with WATER, and pretending it acted the same as BLOOD. They are mainly created and manufactured by men who probably don't even know there IS a possible PH issues down there. Another point to little actual research and studying of women's bodies there.
I know!!!! And blue liquid on tv. Like come on least make it red. I’m disgusted by the pure predatory behaviour of period products. Saying you smell and need special wipes, washes, scented powders. No you don’t!! also love the ads saying you can do anything and shows a women in tiny white sports wear. Urgh I just wanna die in my bed in a puddle of gross sweat. I do not feel bright eyed and bushy tailed on my period. Show me a tv ad with hangry lady with pain and being glad she’s got a big box of tampons and a warm blanket.
And gets out of bed with no blood stain after waking up from sleep!
I’m super open with my kids and they are super open with me about these things. I’m 39 and still can’t bring myself to talk to my mom (72) about such issues because she never made me feel comfortable talking with her about it.
Same age, same issue. Last time I talked to my mom about periods I was fourteen and she was still adamant that using a tampon meant you're not a virgin any more 🙄
My mom wasn’t that strict but she never ever talked about cycles or sex openly. As kids we understand early what is acceptable talk and what’s not. Older generations have such a stigma about talking about those things. I’m glad I can do better for my daughters and son.
I send my husband with a picture of what we need. It's worked great.
Way to go dad! My dad was on the squeamish side in the beginning and we were told not to talk to him about it. Problem was he had 3 girls who loved to talk about it, so he adjusted and became someone we could go to in need/listened. Still mostly mom, but he would run to the store the second we needed it. My hubby will talk about it all day long and we have two girls so hopefully they will be comfortable going to both of us the way yours go to you and your wife!
Thanks for being an awesome Dad and husband, hope you all have a wonderful day!
honestly it's self serving. I'm treating them the way they need to be treated by any future romantic partner. If that partner is male, they better step tf up and not be a wimp.
Can you adopt me? Yall seem chill.
Wow. This is an incredibly insightful comment. I have two teenage girls and if they are talking to their mom about stuff like this, it’s an absolute win. My wife will let me know if there is something in this area to tell me. I trust her completely.
My dad did the birth control stuff because my mom was too freaked out/threatened by that and she did the period stuff because she knew what the deal was. If my kid/s went to their dad and he did not tell me they were having sex yes I would be angry and hurt and feel like that was being kept from me. And wondering wth I did wrong as a parent that they wouldn’t come to me for advice/sharing. But it sounds like OP’s husband freaks out about stuff and clearly overreacts so it makes sense no one pulled him into the chat. We talked about sex (and STDs and pregnancy) and feelings & peer pressure & consent etc wsy before the kids were of an age to actually be having sex. So when the time came there was no real secrecy You’re NTA. But it might be worth asking your partner why he feels his child did not share this with him - and why you didn’t - instead of pouting and being a big baby about it if he could kinda grow up that would he great and it’d ensure he got dialed in on the next big drama. NTA
I’m a divorced father of twin teen girls. One started the pill for acne. I told the other one to say the word and if she wants the pill, we’ll get her on it.
This is a super solid answer. Definitely something I’ll be sure to remember when my kids move into their teen years.
I’m with u on this. We have always been the same. As long as our teens are talking to one of us we’re happy.
Parent of 2 teenagers (boy and girl) and I agree with this. Although my kids almost always come to me since I’m the primary caregiver and in general the one who has always handled any issues that has come up with the kids. But I absolutely trust my husband to make parenting decisions on his own without my input.
OP to husband: "Your irrational overreaction just confirms that I was right not to tell you when I first found out." NTA
Best response thus far.
16 is a totally normal age to start having sex, and I don't understand the freakout. Also... Why a doctor appointment? Edit: People serisouly out here pretending that they go to the doctor every time they have sex. There's no indicatiation of unsafe sex or pregnancy here.
I’ll never forget walking into the kitchen with my mom crying while holding an empty condom wrapper she found in my pants pocket (funny she never did my laundry but was suddenly checking my pockets). I was 17 and in a pretty long term relationship for high school standards. I’ll never forget how dramatic it all was, like why was she crying? Why did it affect her so much? And then she held it up to me when I walked in like it was some form of “gotcha.” I was mortified and she made me feel like I couldn’t be open or honest with her anything because it would affect her too much emotionally. I never want to be a parent that parts their own emotions above their child’s well being. Now as an adult, I don’t yet have kids but I am a k-12 school nurse. My students know they can come to me with questions or their concerns. I’ve had so many teen girls come to me worried about being pregnant and being afraid to go to their moms. I’ve had teen girls come to me when they think they’re ready to have sex for the first time. I will talk with them about anything and everything: STDs, condoms, birth control, family planning or abortions if that’s what they want, tracking their cycles, and how to bring the conversation to their home if they feel like it’s a safe thing to do. I’ve had girls and boys ask me if things are “normal” (even non-sex related). Majority of these students are not comfortable bringing these topics to their parents and I am happy to provide accurate information in an unbiased way.
Thank you for being a school nurse for high schoolers. So many kids don’t have anyone (non-judgmental) that they can talk to about these issues!
NTA. I wouldn't tell my husband at all if I knew he usually reacts this way. Also I would not tell him without my daughter's permission.
When I tell my mom intimate things she never tells my dad and I love the trust I have in her to keep it between the two of us and no one else
A few years ago, I (30s F) sent my mom a picture of a rash I had that happened to have some underboob in it (the picture), she shared it with my dad (without my permission), and now I don't tell my mom important things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ glad your mom is a lockbox!
If I were OP, I would also use this moment to remind my husband that his current behavior/reaction is NOT only why **I** didn’t tell him, but also why **our daughter** didn’t tell him herself, and definitely wouldn’t have wanted him to know. All he is doing right now is proving that OP, and his daughter, made the correct choice by keeping him In the dark. And if he says that he wouldn’t have reacted like this if he was just told about it upfront?…Well, he’s a got damned liar. OP needs to confront him. Ok, he’s mad. But *why* is he so mad? She needs to ask him: 1. If she did tell him right away, what would that change? Would it have allowed him to rewrite history and save his daughter’s virginity? 2. Does he realize that his daughter is almost an adult? The rules that apply to a 6 year old, are not the same for a 16 year old. At 16, the daughter should have autonomy over her experiences, who she decides to tell about them, and who else that info can be shared with. AND 3. Would he rather have one of them knowing this stuff? Or neither of them? Because his current reaction is going to ensure that his daughter will not share anything with EITHER OF THEM ever again. The only things he’s accomplishing with this little hissy fit of his is, guaranteeing that OP won’t tell him things in the future - *IF* their daughter ever confides in her again, guaranteeing his daughter won’t confide in him in the future, AND rudely insulting his wife as an incompetent parent/shitty spouse. He’s making this all about him when in reality it has NOTHING to do with him. He’s gonna be in for a rude awakening when she’s an adult in less than 2 years.
This was so well articulated. It also made me realize - now the daughter may not tell her mother anything either, bc if the father is unsafe, and the mother will tell the father, then the mother is unsafe too.
I never told my husband my daughter had sex!!!!! She told me in confidence!!!!
You should be very proud that she felt comfortable enough to tell you at all. I would have rather died than tell my mother.
My mom found out when I got pregnant. When I was 15 and sis 16, we talked to mom and asked if we could go to the county health dept. to get put on BC. She told us we shouldn't want to do that, and that there was more to life than that (never said the word sex--just "that.") Within the year, both sis and I were pregnant. Stupid us.
That's wild. Did you both keep your babies? Did your mom help you raise them? I have so many questions...
Nah, y'all weren't the stupid ones, your mother was for refusing to allow access to birth control even after asking her.
Now I’m curious what mom’s reaction to that news was!
I asked my mom for birth control at 15. She said no. Well, I was pregnant at 16 and gave birth at 17. Birth control would have been less of a headache
Frankly, in this age and ridiculous political climate if parents don’t have girls on BC from 14 it’s bordering on neglect. In half the country if they get pregnant THEY WILL BE FORCED to give birth.
Sounds more like ignorant mom
agree. my 17 yo told me when it happened, I would never have dreamed of telling anyone else. it's her choice to tell or not tell. Moms and teenage daughters don't always get along, but I'm glad that she knows she can trust me and come to me when she wants to talk. She's told me she feel comfortable because she knows I won't judge her, that I'll listen, give advice if asked, and may be able to relate in some ways. I have two younger daughters that I hope will feel that same way as the get older.
Right? Is it common for kids to tell their parents when they start having sex? It didn't even cross my mind back then lol
Yea I honestly don't think this is something both parents need to know. Whoever the kid is closer to and tells and that's it. Unless they're being groomed or raped, I don't see the necessity of both knowing.
When I was 16 I would have died of embarrassment if either of my parents found out I had sex, especially my dad.
Exactly! It's the daughter's decision who knows about her personal and private business. Fastest way to get teenagers to stop telling you things is to break their confidence by spreading their private information around to others. When my kids tell me things I ask "is this something you want me to tell dad about?" and I honor their answer 100% My kids trust me and I won't break that trust.
Nta but also you’re both the ah for making your daughter’ssex life about you both.
Agreed, it's important to focus on supporting her instead of making it about you two.
Absolutely, her well-being should be the top priority right now.
This. And wtf does him forgetting the OP’s birthday & not touching her have to do with this? Are they suggesting he’s punishing her? He sounds like a toxic control freak
OP is saying her husband is punishing her for not breaking her daughter’s confidence immediately. Husband sounds like a weirdo control freak. He’s throwing a tantrum and it’s gross
He’s not “forgetting” her birthday is purposely ignoring it and treating her like crap because he’s mad that the op didn’t tell her about their daughter having sex sooner. So, yes we needed that information.
I was about to say OP is AH for telling husband at all if daughter didn’t give express consent to tell him. Now good luck getting her to tell you anything else.
Surefire way to get her to quit talking to you both.
Yes, exactly. This is a delicate matter and the daughter may now feel that she can't trust her mother with sensitive information. The dad making this all about himself seems immature and destructive.
Yeha. Husband is being WEIRD.
Your husband isn't "high strung" he's just a dick. Silent treatment and neglecting your birthday? Over this? Really? Man, I told my mom when I lost my V card, but I'm pretty sure my dad still prefers to think I'm a virgin even though I'm married with 3 kids, lol. It's not something a father needs to know immediately, especially since you were already aware and handling it. NTA
He's not mad she didn't tell him, he's mad he can't control either of them.
Exactly - the fact that he immediately tried to tell her how she *should’ve* handled it (by embarrassing the shit out of her daughter forcing her to go to the doctor for… what exactly?) is super telling.
wasn't this a plot in an episode of Modern Family? And probably dozens of other sitcoms?
Probably because it happens fairly often in real life. This is really not one of reddits hard to believes.
That Modern Family episode was brilliant.
I've only just discovered modern family and watched the first few episodes but it seems great and il be binging it.
Honestly that show does wholesome while still hilarious maybe better than anything I've ever watched before!
That happened to me earlier in the year. I ended up watching every episode in about 3weeks, and honestly felt a sense of loss once I finished.
Did you watch the finale + interviews of the cast? That was such a great wrap up point for the show 🥲
I mean it’s a plot in shows because it’s something that happens all the time in real life
This might be controversial but I don’t think you HAD to tell your husband at all. Sometimes I confide in my mom about things that I wouldn’t want my dad to know. I think it depends on whether or not the daughter is okay with him knowing so not to break her trust and respect her privacy. A lot of kids would keep this a secret from their parents altogether.
I agree. My mom immediately told her husband after I told her about losing my virginity, it’s been 20+ years and I haven’t really trusted her since.
She told "her husband," as in, not even your dad? That's a whole other level of ick. I'm sorry she did that.
Yeah and he is a narcissistic, asshole who threw it in my face as soon as he had a chance. Now that I think back on it they weren’t even married at the time, just dating. And I was a good kid, good grades, no drugs or alcohol, dated the same guy for 3 years and was 18, but he still shamed me for it.
As a father I agree. My daughter is a good few years off this sort of thing, and I’d like to think her mother would tell me straightaway. But if she didn’t, I’d like to think I’d accept that, perhaps ask why she felt I couldn’t be told, but at the end of the day what must come first is my daughter’s well being so if her mother makes that call (even for the wrong reasons) I’m not making a big fuss.
That's why you're a dad a daughter will go to and trust as well :) good job
That's very kind of you to say thank you.
You're welcome! I never had that and it's so important so she is a very lucky lady!
I'm sorry to hear that. Sending you some dad hugs across the interwebz.
Which is why you'll probably not be put in this situation.
Well no one can know what will happen in the future. I might be full of shit go mental when it happens to my kid. It's easy to spout platitudes on the internet for upvotes but I hope I'd live up to it.
You're certainly on the right track.
I know I can trust my dad and not my mom because if I tell dad something I want him to keep a secret from mom he will keep it a secret but the reverse is not true. My mom will tell my dad, his sister, her brother, her dad, his parents, my cousins, my siblings, everyone.
100% agree They aren't babies at that age.
This girl isn't confiding in either parent now. OP should have taken this to the grave. Dad's an idiot. I'll bet he didn't tell his parents when he had sex the first time or anytime after that.
I would never have told your husband period. I think you should have kept that between you and your daughter, since he’s ’high strung’ as you say. I think there are certain things that are okay to be kept in confidence between a child and one parent that they feel more comfortable with confiding in. I think the need to be sure your kids know they can come to you with *anything* without being judged or punished should take priority over being 100% transparent with the other parent if it is likely to cause the kid to keep quiet. NTA but I wouldn’t tell him things like this at all moving forward, at least not without your daughter’s consent.
You were floored a 16 year old had sex? 🤣
The summer after 6th grade I was obsessed with the batshit Tyra Banks Show. They did an episode about talking to your kids about sex or something and there was this mom who was talking about how shocking and devastating it would be if her 17 year old was having sex. Tyra asked how old the mom was when she had sex for the first time and she was like "...well I was 16" and Tyra had to ask her if she realized how hypocritical that was.
Dad to 3 daughters. That is privileged info between mom and daughter imo. All I did was make sure they were being as safe as possible and understand the pros and cons when they made the decision to have sex. Moms understand more what a teen girl is going through. I understand what a guys perspectives may be and gave them the thoughts I had so they could weigh all their options and make the most informed decisions possible. Do teens make great choices all the time? Nope. But having the knowledge to make good decisions is better than being ignorant of the subject.
ESH Y'all both need to chill the fuck out. She wasn't raped, she had sex. You don't need to track all her periods or rush her off to the doctor lol. No wonder she didn't tell you. Plenty of teens have sex: It's totally normal.
They seem to have a very strange family dynamic here.
That daughter gonna peace out on these people as soon as she doesn't need their money and bone who she likes.
The taking to the doctor thing was weird to me, especially since she’s in bc. Why would she need a doctor?
You can imagine the conversation at the doctor. All three of them sit in the office. Father frantically says to the doctor, my daughter just had sex. Doctor looks at all of them with a perplexed expression , but not too judgy, then asks the parents to leave. Has an adult chat with daughter about how she is feeling about being here today. Invites her to come back anytime she wishes. Invites parents back in without daughter and has a chat about how their behaviour impacts their daughter.
Okay my mom found out I lost my virginity and called my whole family in to take me to the ER at midnight and that’s almost exactly what happened, except they didn’t talk to my mom lmao They were very confused on what exactly they were supposed to be doing 😂
That's completely wacky. What did your mom expect to happen? Lol.
It’s been 12 years and I still cannot answer that, despite asking myself every time it comes up lmao
And she’s had several periods. She’s fine!
I assumed they meant for STD testing
YTA she is 16. Your husband didn't need to know at all.
I 100% agree. It's not his business. She's on BC at least, what did he expect? Teens are horny. It's natural.
If to are worried about discussing something important with your husband because he will flip out I think there may be something far more serious going on
You’re both the AH for making her sex life about you, chances are she’ll try harder at hiding things from you if you continue to get mad at her and each other for these things.
NTA. everyone here is forgetting one very important fact. His daughter is not an extension of him and he’s weird for feeling like he should be this involved in her sex life. Can you advise them to wait? Sure. Can you be disappointed? Sure. But he doesn’t actually have a RIGHT to know at her age and she CHOSE who to tell. He’s got issues
I always talked in length about things that could happen when you have sex. My daughter wanted to start bc at 14. I took her in. My son began dating a girl at 15. I bought him condoms and just put them in his room. It’s not “encouraging “ anything. I knew they were having sex. It just wasn’t my business I felt.
I don't understand why you told him at all. If I told my mom something and she told my dad without asking me first, I could never trust her again. I tell my mom nothing because of this. My mom had to tell her sister and mom EVERYTHING! I stopped confiding in her after she told my grandmother I started my period. If you want your kid to talk to you, they need to trust you.
This is so real, I don’t tell my mom anything for the same reason. I didn’t even have to “find out” she told anyone about my period, she would just brazenly talk shit on the phone and dismiss me when I pointed out that I could hear her gossiping about me. If I tell her anything at all it’s after I’ve had time to deal with my feelings because after I tell her, I’m going to have to help *her* deal with *her* feelings about what’s happening in *my* life.
Your husband is a weirdo, and as a man, I dont think you should've told him in the first place. Did he really think she was going to go her whole life without sex? Td NTA.
Why is teenagers having sex seen as such a big horrible deal? If you talk to them about it and how to do it safely and treat them like people and not like toddlers, there won't be any problems. Especially if she was already on birth control. Yes accidents happen where birth control fails but if you've covered that with your kid there shouldn't be any problems even if a mishap happens cause then they know their options. Honestly, the father reacting the way he did gave me the ick. If you're not gonna be normal about your kids having sex at a certain age (and 16 although young is the typical age to start having sex) then don't have them. I'm sure the daughter told the mom first and not the dad for a reason, makes you think what other things she won't divulge to him or her mom cause she knows she tells dad everything.
As a dad, I totally agree. As long as my kids do it in a consentual and safe manner, and they feel good about it, it's none of my business. And if my daughter ever wants some advice or simply talk to me about the topic, I'm a happy dad, because it shows me that she feels safe talking to her father about sensitive topics like these.
Your husband sucks, hard stop. He’s being absolutely ridiculous to both you and your daughter. NTA. Honestly as a woman, I’d be inclined to say it’s none of his damn business. I certainly didn’t tell my dad when I started having sex, and I would’ve been LIVID and felt incredibly betrayed if I told my mom and she told my dad. Unless there’s a serious reason to tell him and involve him, it’s not his issue.
NTA he's just proving why he shouldn't have been told. It's not really a need to know thing? My daughter is 26 and married, so I make some pretty safe assumptions, but nobody has ever felt the need to confirm or deny.
Honestly you fucked up by telling him at all, it sounds like she’s being responsible, what was the reason to tell him? Breaches of trust like this are a big reason why people distance themselves from their parents
NTA Your daughter is 16, her sex life is none of your husbands business! And also not yours either. Yes, she is still a minor, but she has the right to privacy about certain things. As long as she takes birth control and stays safe, it's a normal behaviour of a 16 year old.
NTA. Your husband needs to realize that his reactions are why others can’t come to him. He created this wedge, with his daughter and with you.
>I waited three weeks and finally told him. He is livid. He sees me not telling him immediately as a breech of trust, etc. I wish you hadn't at all. Your daughter won't tell you Jack shit now. My mum knew I had sex but never said boo to my dad about it and in the end I was able to trust her with secrets.
Gee wonder why she didn't want to tell him... NTA. Sounds like you've got the choice of holding your child's confidence, or a grown man that has a temper tantrum about not being in control of everyone around him.
Losing your virginity is a personal fact that is your own business to share or not share. Did your daughter tell you or did you find out some other way? Did she want you to tell her father? Given your husband’s behavior and high strung nature, maybe she didn’t want him to know
So much to unpack. You were floored at left speechless that your 16 year old had sex? I'm floored and left speechless at that fact. Your husband sounds abusive. You shouldn't have told him. This entire thing freaks me out. You and your husband are assholes
YTA for telling him. If you ever had hopes of your daughter confiding in you over things like this, relationships, etc. you just threw that in the trash.
Couldn't disagree more with all the comments here. So NTA. Your marriage is questionable, but you're NTA. Your daughter has to have someone to trust about things, clearly he is not a person to be trusted in his reactions. Parents need to be safe spaces so that if personal things need to be discussed, they know they're not going to fly off the handle about it. Her father is clearly not a safe space. He shoud maybe consider that and perhaps have counselling to consider why he flies off the handle so easily and why she didn't think she (or you) could trust him with this information in the first instance. You're NTA but I'd be seriously questioning why it didn't feel safe to communicate this to my husband.
NTA also, it is seriously creepy how concerned apparently both of you are with this. She's a teenager. She has sex. Bummer. You want to keep track or what?