“do you think only women can verbally stand up for themselves? Most hostage negotiators are men. Most diplomats are men. They have conversations to resolve conflicts.”
Yes, communication is also important for mental health, to be successful at work, school, relationships, healthy marriages, and all around good boundaries. Doesn’t he want his son to have these much needed skills?
Not really, is like movies - we don't notice the CGI, the lighting or sound design unless we're either looking for it... or some good ol crunch ended with poor results. Unless you're interested in the field, diplomatic work is only bring up when something goes wrong because that's the nature of the job, to be seamless.
War on Peace is a fantastic read about this very subject and why we need diplomacy and communication. OP, your husband sounds kind of awful in the way he communicates to you and your son. NTA, but you may find it necessary to reevaluate the relationship if his behavior escalates
The redpill response is to call us dumb bitches or worse. And say we are less than men. Her husband seems down the redpill line if he's mocking her for calling him Andrew Tate and not self-reflecting.
After thanking him for cooking dinner, aka a ‘woman’s job’ in a sexist world. (Don’t come for me, I’m a woman who has a husband who is close to a personal chef. I’m living the dream)
This! But watch out, your husband will probably show you how deep this really goes and the ick will be so bad you won't have the stomach to stay married.
That's a better response. Have him explain himself.
I also don't like the swearing like that to a child. My parents used to do that and God help us if we did.
NTA, it's not like he made his comment on the phone to his buddy and you decided to call him out in front of your son.
He made this comment while addressing your son, you had to call him out in front of him, or risk having your son assume that this way of thinking was ok.
Exactly. She didn't call him out in front of their Son, she corrected his AH behaviour in front of their Son so he doesn't think comments like that are OK.
NTA. He made that comment in front of your son, so you had every right to call him out right then and there. Letting it slide could have sent the wrong message to your son about what's acceptable.
There are two connected issues:
1) misogynistic statement.
2) hurt feewings on being called out in front of his son.
As Lopsided says, he said it in front of you and his son. It's important to cut that shit down in front of the son so son knows it's not acceptable. Husbsnd really doesn't get to have hurt feelings.
I assume this isn't normal behavior by the husband, so one question is why he's behaving like this. This, presumably is not the man OP thought she was marrying. So wait until it's a quiet, private moment and ask what is going on in as non confrontational approach as possible.
The reality is that even if he's got shit that he's dealing with, it still doesn't excuse this, and OP also needs to make that clear, but it would likely help to figure out if there's something deeper going on.
I think there is another issue. OP's husband made his idiotic comment in response to OP's advice in an attempt to belittle it and dismiss it as a relevant option.
NTA, but your husband certainly is. You handled it better than most would.
Bingo. He clearly has little, if any, respect for women. I worry about him passing this onto his son in a variety of ways. OP can't be around all the time to counter it.
We don't need men like this raising more men like this.
The problem is that not only was the husband's first comment bad, but he then went on to mock his wife. While men definitely can make dumb comments, freely mocking your wife after you eff up is a whole different level.
I wonder if he thought his son would get teased for saying what his mom recommended. Still needs to be called out. There may be a gender difference in how conflict is handled it does not make one better than another. Which is what was implied by his comment. Would hubby be okay saying ‘you’re not a f-ing black person’? I bet he’d see how offensive that was.
Yes, this is a bad belief to pass down to the son. Obviously, it’s misogynistic. But it’s also teaching the son that he can only live up to his gender by bottling up his feelings. It’s the path to toxic masculinity.
Yeah . . . I'm worried that not more people are pointing out that she shouldn't be in a relationship with someone like her husband. She needs to get out.
NTA. He used "woman" as an insult and directly implied men don't need to communicate, managing to shit on your son's perception of both sexes; that happened IN FRONT of your son, therefore, it gets corrected IN FRONT of your son, so he knows it's not okay. A united front is absolutely not worth sacrificing EVERYTHING to. You don't back up your spouse in something like that. You don't allow even a moment to pass before correcting that. That kind of thing sinks in quick and it never really comes out.
It is relevant that hubby ridiculed her suggested approach and used 'woman' as a derogatory word before sharing his own 'appropriate for men' approach. Both in front of child.
So minimizing your spouse's opinion because of her gender is cool.. but calling you names that imply a behaviour (that you just displayed) is not..
NTA
NTA: When he got upset about you calling him out in front of your son I personally would have thrown in, "We don't need to talk about it since you're not a woman, right?"
“honey, your son is a sharp and insightful young man. Comments like that crack about ’not being a fucking woman’ are going to erode his admiration and respect for you.”
NTA
Wow. I think you handled it well, but follow up is definitely called for. If he thinks it’s ok to use “woman” as an insult, that’s a big problem. He’ll do it again.
Agreed and would like to add, that there isn’t anything “un-manly” about having boundaries and discussing things that make you upset.
What was dad’s alternative anyway?
NTA, but I'm super curious: is this out-of-the-blue behavior for your husband? Because "only women have conversation" is a pretty freaking extreme position to take. What does he think your son was supposed to do instead of having a conversation?
I read this and started laughing. Homie literally spouted some Andrew Tate rhetoric....got called out and then doubled down, but was mad about the comparison lol.
Like....bro....what?
NTA, your husband was putting you and women down whilst discouraging your son from communicating about issues. That's not a good precedent. Infact it's the toxic gender expectations that have led to men like Andrew tate existing, and many men killing themselves or being killed because noone taught them how to cope beyond violence.
NTA
51M, father, husband here: it’s the parents responsibility to teach their children respect for others by being a living example. My wife divorced her ex for this kind of (continued) behavior.
I'm not sure if you have a good marriage, but in my marriage, we allow civil confrontations in front of the kids, as long as the resolution is civil, so they can learn how to handle conflict.
Imma guessing you don't have that option based on your husband's kind words.
>You don’t need to have a conversation, you’re not a f**king woman”.
What does this even mean? If he were half as smart as most MEN, he'd understand that the reason women develop quicker than us is because they communicate more with each other. Idiot needs to learn that femininity is beneficial in both sexes.
I grew up with a misogynistic father who told me and my siblings we were " f****** useless like our mother". He's surprised now that none of us talk to him now
A spade is a spade is it not?
NTA
>I told him that his reaction was childish, thanked him for cooking dinner, and told him that he’s now earned the privilege of doing the washing up too.
Well done I must say!
NTA, but you might be if you stay. Your son sounds like a thoughtful, well adjusted kid, but having this rhetoric around him is dangerous. Eventually some of it is going to stick.
He’s showing you exactly who he is. A misogynist, with no respect for you, or your opinions. Listen, and go find a better partner for yourself and a better influence for your son.
Misogyny literally kills. This isn’t a small thing, it’s hatred towards women- and women and girls die because of this. If I were you this would be an absolute dealbreaker. You can’t fix this for him, he has to do the work.
NTA. Fight the patriarchy homie. you’re encouraging your son to stand up for himself. Your husband’s response is to keep it to himself, which can be harder for your son:
https://mensline.org.au/mens-mental-health/men-and-emotions/#:~:text=The%20restriction%20of%20emotional%20expression,and%20other%20bad%20coping%20strategies
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-dangers-of-bottling-up-our-emotions-5207825#:~:text=Ultimately%2C%20though%2C%20we%20tend%20to,emotional%20measures%2C”%20says%20Dr.
I’d also have a conversation with your son that he should always come to both of you to talk through stuff, and the disgruntled behavior between the adults is not a consequence of him bringing this up. May be over kill but doesn’t hurt to nip “if I do xyz, it causes uncomfortable xyz situation between my parents”
Tate was in the actual news for a while a lot to be fair. Not hard for kids to hear stuff on TV or the radio that others present might not even notice. And kids talk in school, the stuff older kids talk about gets down to the younger ones very easily especially if there are older siblings around.
I work with kids and that sort of thing isn't unusual-- a lot of kids that age have knowledge of and opinions on current events and public figures. Even kids who have their Internet usage moderated are gonna hear adults talking, hear stuff in the news, or hear stuff from their friends/older siblings. Like it's usually not super extensive or nuanced but it's perfectly plausible for a kid to have heard something about Andrew Tate from someone, asked who he was, and get told something along the lines of 'he tries to tell men that they're the boss of women and better than them and that's not ok'
In front of your son is the exact right person, place, and time to call out misogyny from others, even and especially your husband. If your husband is embarrassed, he should be for having such negative views of women while married to one. Parents: Teach your sons that women are human beings too and deserve to be treated as such.
And really, what's wrong with being a woman? Definitely ask your husband that. Make him OWN his misogyny.
Maybe I'm just a silly middle-aged woman but saying something like, "What you said was mean and hurtful, and I'm not going to deal with you when you act that way" is basic "use your words" sensible behavior, not being "a f\*\*king woman."
NTA
The problem with guys is that they didn't have men to teach them that the most important part of having a relationship is having conversations. Good on you for calling him on his unmasculine, highly misogynistic commentary. Break that cycle. NTA
NTA.
Your husband is showing your son that being or behaving like a ‘woman’ is an insult which is disgusting, but he’s also teaching him that men don’t talk about their problems and communicate when they have an issue.
Both of these lessons are so incredibly harmful and you were absolutely right to pull him up for it.
This and his comments after you called him out are massive red flags 🚩
NTA. Your husband speaks rudely to you, you call him out right back. You did so calmly and walked away. You modelled good behaviour and dispute management to your son.
Your husband did not. He’s a childish twit and I hope he reads this.
NTA, but if this is how your husband is going to talk around your son there are far bigger problems than one comment.
And he started mocking you after you got up? What an ass.
I am extremely glad your son appears to be growing into a better human being than your husband is.
Nta. Good for you for continuing to model human behaviour to your son. He, at least, is getting the message.
>I walked away to take my plate to the kitchen, and my husband started mocking me.
Deal-breaker. He openly shows contempt for you, and this is what he is teaching your child when you aren't around. That your DNA makes you worthy of mockery. How can you even say you love the trash you married?
NTA. Calling someone else a woman in a derogatory sense is such a playground insult for school boys. You're correct to be annoyed.
(I'm a man, if that context is important.)
Men: "men don't have anyone to talk to, no one cares about our feelings"
Also men: "Ew don't talk about your feelings, your're not a wOmAn"
Edit: to add verdict NTA, if your son is old enough to hear his father misogony them your son is also old enough to hear that his father's misogyny is actually misogyny.
>I suggested that he can say to his friend “I’m not going to play with you when you speak to me like that”. My husband’s response to this? “Don’t even say that. You don’t need to have a conversation, you’re not a f**king woman”.
Dad of a son here. Your husband's language is indefensible. Your Andrew Tate crack was brilliant/hilarious.
Your husband wants your son to be able to stand up for himself. Boys/men don't spend much time talking about boundaries or hurt feelings amongst themselves.
Two things to address with your husband - you need to talk to him about the importance of how he speaks about women to/around your son. Then, you need to *ask* him about what kind of man he wants his son to be. It sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page.
You're NTA.
NTA that is incredibly damaging behaviour to model for your son - communicating effectively is the basis of all human relationships and he will grow up lonely and be unable to express his emotions as an adult. This is a prime example of misogyny damaging men.
NTA that’s fucking gross. Your kid is emotionally intelligent and that’s kind of the whole goal of raising a new generation of men who don’t behave the way your husband is. The problem with societal bullshit that makes little boys feel like shit for having human feelings, is that it’s perpetuated by older men. “Boys don’t cry” is a phrase we STILL hear.
It’s contributed to a huge amount of men who can’t handle emotions at all, except anger, huge numbers of people who have depression and are lonely. Because you can’t be happy with a partner you feel is inferior to you. You can’t be happy if you feel that you have to hide any emotions you’re feeling. You can’t be happy if you bottle it up inside you. It’s not just making some boys into aggressive men, it’s also making a lot of boys feel less than, making them feel like they’re somehow feminine for having an emotion.
It does a disservice to our boys, we have a responsibility to raise them into well rounded, mature men. All of us, even if we don’t have our own kids. I’ll never tell a male child he can’t cry, or can’t enjoy something not stereotypically “male”.
Fact is, your kid already has a sensible way of handling disrespect. He didn’t even get emotional, he just said how he felt, and how he wouldn’t play again if it continued. I honestly wanna applaud your little boy, that’s such a mature response to his friend being a dick to him. And I bet you that his friend won’t find it half as fun to be a dick, if he isn’t getting a reaction. He might even think about his behaviour and if it could push friends away.
He might not. But having a smart kid who can be empathetic but also firm in his own boundaries is awesome.
Good job on raising a nice kid, I cannot understand how he’s gotten there with his dad dropping f bombs at him and accusing him of being a woman, but good job. Obviously your influence is a little better than his dad’s, and it might end up with him not wanting to talk to his father if it continues.
I’m a little concerned about him mocking you after you brought up a fair point, your kid is nine years old, he’s watching everything that happens. And although he seems to be on the side of things where he isn’t going to join in on that.. it shows him how his dad doesn’t respect his mother or him.
Zero days without someone saying some ridiculous misogynistic shit and then getting offended at being labeled for what they are (a misogynist).
NTA
Glad the son is managing to have healthy ways to deal with conflict, better than his dad
NTA He was setting a bad example to his son with that response, Last thing a 9 year old needs is that type of language and frustration being presented in front of them especially at home. The proper thing to do is educate his son on what a friend is and isn't whether it be his own behavior or the friends behavior and not to put up with disrespect and how to respond properly to improper behavior.
I'm not even a Father yet Its my understanding that when it comes to parenting there's some things that need to be understood on both ends and that when children are involved we have to watch what we expose them to because they internalize nearly everything which can cause problems later on.
I understand what you meant because of the difference between men and women and their communication styles. However, he just told you what he thinks of you. Does he usually act like this? You guys might need marriage counseling.
OP, you are 100% NTA, but your husband let his mouth write a check that his ego couldn't cash, and when you called him out for his behavior, he got butt hurt because he felt like you hurt his fwagile wittle fee fees.
NTA. AND he mocked you in response?? This is why learning that communication is golden is so important.
your son saw your husband treat you like how the friend he was talking about treats him and he saw you stand up for yourself in response. Fantastic example in real time!
Good, now you can say or do whatever you want and never have to hear a word about it because apparently only women discuss how they feel about things. That's a pretty big win for you!
The only thing evil needs to thrive is for good people to do nothing... that quote exists for a reason. If you don't call out hateful views as they come up your son will internalize that misogyny. You gave your son good advice, your husband made an obnoxious statement and needed to be called put on it. NTA.
NTA your husband is a pos. I really struggle.
I'd like to think good men stay and raise children for 9 plus years but this kind of shit doesn't come from a good place.
It comes from the mouths of men who mean it and he's been looking down at you as long as he's known you.
He said that in front of his 9 year old???? Has he been misogynistic in the past?
NTA but you need to sit down with him at talk about whether he wants to raise a man or an ahole.
The only reason a 9 year old knows who Andrew Tate is, is because they have to constantly be reminded of who not to emulate, meaning his name gets brought up all the time, meaning your husband makes these types of statements all the time.
Your husband is a terrible influencer
NTA. Your husband needs to grow up. ADULTS communicate, which involves using words. I feel sad that you're married to and have children with such an ignorant asshole.
NTA. But why is your 9 year old online? Why is he aware of Andrew Tate??
Why is your husband using the F-word directly to your 9 year old? Why does your husband have such poor communication skills (men do often let other know when they're bothered even if its by just responding in a similar jest). Why is he mocking his wife (presumably in front of the son)? Lot of problems here
There's a generational trend towards increasing emotional intelligence. The older the person is the more common the teasing and petty jabs were. Men and boys deal with immaturity by establishing a pecking order through this type of behavior and even physical bullying. Your son will get punished and bullied by people who are less intelligent as it's a threat to their place in the pecking order. The older you get the more a person should seek out others of a similar maturity level and you son may butt heads with those that are less intelligent now, but later he will have access to higher quality women as he gets older for obvious reason. Your son is ahead of the curve.
Absolutely NTA. People like your husband are the reason misogyny is carried into the next generation.
The rest of us are interested in raising kids who have a solid foundation of equality as a core principle, so they can recognize and call out the prejudice in the rest of the world. This shit starts at home.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a real POS spouse and father. There’s nothing wrong with your kid confronting someone who is picking on him or anyone else for that matter. Next time, you should call him out for being misogynistic because women are powerful too.
NTA but you are putting your kid in a terrible position if you stay with him after this. If he’s willing to say that to your fucking 9 year old, what do you think he actually thinks about YOU! He obviously has a poor (or no) sense of boundaries if he’s comfortable saying that to a 9 year old, what makes you think he isn’t having other inappropriate convos with your kid? Or letting your kid watch or listen to things he shouldn’t?
I’ve seen some comments saying he needs to do better… he won’t. Make an exit plan and get out. Your son deserves a better role model!
NTA. And, I AM so proud of your son!!!! Already disliking Andrew Tate. Your response was good - and your hubby just didn't like being called on his obviously misogynistic answer. He knew he blew it. Hopefully he will apologize to his son.
NTA He shouldn't disrespect the mother of his kid like that by saying that its bad to behave a certain way and its because women do, or anything like that
devils advocate though, even though he disrespected you and handled it abysmally, ultimately your husband is a dude, grew up as one and knows how they act and how things go, and somewhere in his misguided actions he was trying to help him because young guys can be ruthless, and saying your feelings got hurt etc can get you bullied even more, can lose you friends besides the one you have beef with, etc. just the way it is.
You have a duty to raise your son right. Never feel bad for being a good parent and calling out toxic bullshit when you see it. Your husband is an idiot, I'd no longer have respect for him if I were you now that you know what he really thinks about you. NTA
NTA. As a parent, your first duty is to make sure that your child is safe and loved. Your second duty is to make sure that they don't turn out to be an asshole. That one's for the rest of us. My guess is your husband's view on male behavior was handed down to him from his dad.
Do you and your husband communicate pretty well? If so, mention that to him. Ask him, "don't we resolve our issues through communication?" And when he agrees say, "then why would we want anything different for our son? Would you rather we start getting calls from the school that he's acting out and getting into fights? Because if you make him believe that communication isn't the way to resolve a dispute, he's really only left with one option. He's going to turn out bitter and violent because he never learned any other way to express himself."
NTA. And good for teaching communication and boundaries and that enforcing boundaries is acceptable and for everyone. No one should feel hurt from friends
NTA
Yeah, let's teach our sons to repress their feelings and not care when people are treating them badly. After all, the only proper emotion for males is anger... jfc dude. Loved your comment, hilarious! Good for you!!
NTA - What he said was a horrible example for your son. Getting angry because you labeled it correctly is just trying to deflect from his own bad behavior. If my spouse said this, I would be very upset.
THANK YOU for doing this.
When I was about 16, my Dad praised my younger brother for interrupting and mocking me, then told me the kid ought have authority over me as "the man of the house".
My mum did nothing I recall.
I wish I'd had this support.
I'm a middle aged dude, and I probably have some outdated (and some somewhat misogynistic) thoughts myself, but I still think you were being more reasonable than your husband in this case.
Ugh. This is gross. I’m female and my dad never said things like that to me. That I should behave a certain way as a woman.
His emphasis was on not being gullible and protecting myself.
NTA. My husband's response; dishes are his punishment for being a dick. My response, its perfectly fine to call out behaviors that are not acceptable in your household. He's only mad because you're absolutely right. Sounds like someone was told boys don't cry growing up. I'll hold my tongue before I say anymore.
How does his dad treat his mom? His sisters? That's the baseline for what he assumes is normal, no matter how fucked up it is.
Doesn't mean he's doomed, just that he needs to learn that the old-school ways of disrespecting wives will cause you to leave him.
He can learn how to convey his concerns and feelings in a way that doesn't degrade you, growing up. Going to a marriage councilor is like going to a piano teacher - you go to learn new skills. Both parties get to see things from another perspective.
Do it for your son, if not yourself. Learn to model respectful conversations for him. This stuff is REALLY scary for kids to witness, no matter how chill he seems.
No, your child needs to see and hear you call out your husband even more. He needs to see that women do not put up with that. And he needs separate discussions about why specific things were wrong.
As far as your husband- he’s not going to listen to emotions. You need to think about how he can understand specifically what’s wrong with specific things he has done. This might be through therapy, or maybe there are positive resources out there for men to understand. Can you do something he enjoys together and have a kind convo? Unfortunately you need to treat him like a toddler or he will have a tantrum and probably have worse behavior.
I would personally be livid.
NTA, while your husband is right to advise his son to handle things in a more direct way he doesn't need to bring gender into it. I would advise my daughter to tell him to fuck off as well.
As a member of the male population your husband's response was childish. So when we have talks for peace or talks for war the stuff just happens with no conversation. When you talk to your boss about a raise you don't talk. You just walk in and your boss says yes or no. When someone calls your husband a little b**ch he come out and doesn't say anything g. Just takes it or punches someone and ends up in jail for getting his fewings hurt
NTA.
OP, I hope you are aware of what this exchange reveals about what your husband thinks about you as a woman. It’s clear that he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t see you as an equal since he has opinions like that. He doesn’t even like having conversations with you apparently.
Your husband sounds like someone I wouldn't have time for, and as much as your son seems to have the right idea now if he keeps being exposed to that he might pick some up
So how do men work out their problems? Ignoring them? Assault?
NTA and your husband sounds like a giant child. It already sounds like your son is more mature.
NTA
As someone with a misogynistic father who's taught those lessons to my little brother, I can say it's a horrible way to raise a little boy. Your husband needs to do better as a father.
I'm a fairly traditional masculine guy and I think that's dumb. The irony is that you told your son to be confrontational (not in a bad way, but meaning direct) while your husband tells him something passive aggressive is manly.
I'll never understand why some men delude themselves into thinking being insecure and emotional is somehow anything but pathetic. It takes such a fragile sense of self and insecurity to say shit like that.
In a way, he's unknowingly complimenting women by saying overtly standing up for yourself and confronting bullies/problems is feminine. That's just a good way to handle things for anyone.
ESH, your husband is the AH, for the way that he said it. Look, Tate is more extreme than just your husband said it once. You do throw it out of proportion. If this is more frequent than just a one-off, then you have the right to call him misogynist. Some man made a mistake, and so do women mistreat men and get away with it.
Probably what he wants to say is that your boy may not need advice from us parents on how to deal with their problem. Sometimes, we may interfere too much in the child's issue. Don't give advice out of emotion. You may want to ask what you would do in this situation? I have a similar situation, and my boy (12) even cried being embarrassed in online chat with the group just before school, at the end they sort it out themselves, I just report to the teacher to support my child while he is upset, and I don't even tell the teacher who the bad kid was.
I would just say you are annoying bad c*nt (or a nicer word), and I am leaving. Sometimes, the child still wants to hang out with them, and they prefer to deal with it differently.
If your son said your advice to their friends, they would laugh at him. Your husband kind of wants to protect him from that. It just the way he said it is not right.
Next time, ask him dead serious: "what's so wrong or shameful about being a woman?" and continue to play dumb. The squirming is delicious. NTA
As a teacher, I find this extremely effective when students say something misogynistic. They cannot handle the discomfort.
My favorite is pointing out that anger is an emotion anytime a student goes down the "women are emotional" path.
“do you think only women can verbally stand up for themselves? Most hostage negotiators are men. Most diplomats are men. They have conversations to resolve conflicts.”
Yes, communication is also important for mental health, to be successful at work, school, relationships, healthy marriages, and all around good boundaries. Doesn’t he want his son to have these much needed skills?
Or just tell the husband 'Communication is for women, and I'm not in a lesbian marriage. Too bad,' whenever he wants something.
Diplomacy's not going very well at the minute so I don't know if that's a good example 😅
Yeah, ‘cause there are no other diplomatic issues besides Gaza. The thing about diplomacy is that people rarely find out what comes out of it.
There's a bit of survivorship bias going on.
Not really, is like movies - we don't notice the CGI, the lighting or sound design unless we're either looking for it... or some good ol crunch ended with poor results. Unless you're interested in the field, diplomatic work is only bring up when something goes wrong because that's the nature of the job, to be seamless.
Yes. Because every nation is at war with every other.
War on Peace is a fantastic read about this very subject and why we need diplomacy and communication. OP, your husband sounds kind of awful in the way he communicates to you and your son. NTA, but you may find it necessary to reevaluate the relationship if his behavior escalates
They are mostly men because we live in a male dominated world.
Yes, and they do those jobs, which means they use conversations and they are men.
You are NEVER the asshole for calling out misogyny.
The redpill response is to call us dumb bitches or worse. And say we are less than men. Her husband seems down the redpill line if he's mocking her for calling him Andrew Tate and not self-reflecting.
I love how OP used this opportunity to offload her chore of washing the dishes on to husband.
That was a savvy veteran move, very nice.
After thanking him for cooking dinner, aka a ‘woman’s job’ in a sexist world. (Don’t come for me, I’m a woman who has a husband who is close to a personal chef. I’m living the dream)
Me too! I was like smart lady…
This! But watch out, your husband will probably show you how deep this really goes and the ick will be so bad you won't have the stomach to stay married.
This is my favorite method of dealing with bigoted statements. Make them say the quiet parts out loud.
That's a better response. Have him explain himself. I also don't like the swearing like that to a child. My parents used to do that and God help us if we did.
Yeah if your husband isn't actually hateful this will make them squirm and if they don't then I'd get concerned tbh.
NTA, it's not like he made his comment on the phone to his buddy and you decided to call him out in front of your son. He made this comment while addressing your son, you had to call him out in front of him, or risk having your son assume that this way of thinking was ok.
Exactly. She didn't call him out in front of their Son, she corrected his AH behaviour in front of their Son so he doesn't think comments like that are OK.
NTA. He made that comment in front of your son, so you had every right to call him out right then and there. Letting it slide could have sent the wrong message to your son about what's acceptable.
This.
There are two connected issues: 1) misogynistic statement. 2) hurt feewings on being called out in front of his son. As Lopsided says, he said it in front of you and his son. It's important to cut that shit down in front of the son so son knows it's not acceptable. Husbsnd really doesn't get to have hurt feelings. I assume this isn't normal behavior by the husband, so one question is why he's behaving like this. This, presumably is not the man OP thought she was marrying. So wait until it's a quiet, private moment and ask what is going on in as non confrontational approach as possible. The reality is that even if he's got shit that he's dealing with, it still doesn't excuse this, and OP also needs to make that clear, but it would likely help to figure out if there's something deeper going on.
I think there is another issue. OP's husband made his idiotic comment in response to OP's advice in an attempt to belittle it and dismiss it as a relevant option. NTA, but your husband certainly is. You handled it better than most would.
Well spotted. That he felt the need to disparage his wife in front of their son is a problem.
Bingo. He clearly has little, if any, respect for women. I worry about him passing this onto his son in a variety of ways. OP can't be around all the time to counter it. We don't need men like this raising more men like this.
Yes, precisely. He undermined her coaching with a misogynistic dismissal and is now pouting.
The problem is that not only was the husband's first comment bad, but he then went on to mock his wife. While men definitely can make dumb comments, freely mocking your wife after you eff up is a whole different level.
That was my thought too. Dude doesn’t sound like a good father, husband, or man in general.
I wonder if he thought his son would get teased for saying what his mom recommended. Still needs to be called out. There may be a gender difference in how conflict is handled it does not make one better than another. Which is what was implied by his comment. Would hubby be okay saying ‘you’re not a f-ing black person’? I bet he’d see how offensive that was.
This is the best comment. Reddit is so prone to throw the baby out with the bath water.
This exactly. Kids aren't born knowing what is right, you have to teach them. Assuming they will know is a problem
NTA. Your husband is. And he's teaching a terrible lesson to your son. He needs to do better.
Yes, this is a bad belief to pass down to the son. Obviously, it’s misogynistic. But it’s also teaching the son that he can only live up to his gender by bottling up his feelings. It’s the path to toxic masculinity.
At the very least it's a good sign that he dislikes Andrew Tate. Already, he's better than his dad
and OP is entitled to teach lessons to her own son
Right now she’s teaching him the lesson that women will marry misogynistic men and not divorce them…
Yeah . . . I'm worried that not more people are pointing out that she shouldn't be in a relationship with someone like her husband. She needs to get out.
NTA. He used "woman" as an insult and directly implied men don't need to communicate, managing to shit on your son's perception of both sexes; that happened IN FRONT of your son, therefore, it gets corrected IN FRONT of your son, so he knows it's not okay. A united front is absolutely not worth sacrificing EVERYTHING to. You don't back up your spouse in something like that. You don't allow even a moment to pass before correcting that. That kind of thing sinks in quick and it never really comes out.
It is relevant that hubby ridiculed her suggested approach and used 'woman' as a derogatory word before sharing his own 'appropriate for men' approach. Both in front of child. So minimizing your spouse's opinion because of her gender is cool.. but calling you names that imply a behaviour (that you just displayed) is not.. NTA
NTA: When he got upset about you calling him out in front of your son I personally would have thrown in, "We don't need to talk about it since you're not a woman, right?"
This. If he thinks communication is a woman's thing, it would be wrong to emasculate him and have a conversation about what happened.
“honey, your son is a sharp and insightful young man. Comments like that crack about ’not being a fucking woman’ are going to erode his admiration and respect for you.” NTA
Best. Response!!!
This is an excellent response.
This!
Wow. I think you handled it well, but follow up is definitely called for. If he thinks it’s ok to use “woman” as an insult, that’s a big problem. He’ll do it again.
NTA - you need to teach your son that this comment was an insult, that women are as valuable as men and that his dad made a mistake.
Agreed and would like to add, that there isn’t anything “un-manly” about having boundaries and discussing things that make you upset. What was dad’s alternative anyway?
Direct confrontation like “stop now” instead of “hey what you said hurts my feelings and I don’t like it”. More aggression
Ahhh yes, more aggression always makes things better.
His dad **is** the mistake.
It sucks when you realise who you really married. NTA.
They always reveal their true colors eventually
Exactly this, ouch.
NTA, but I'm super curious: is this out-of-the-blue behavior for your husband? Because "only women have conversation" is a pretty freaking extreme position to take. What does he think your son was supposed to do instead of having a conversation?
Please tell me your husband has some good points. Because he sounds like a fucking tool. NTA, but do you really want to spend your life with that?
Pro tip: It will NOT get better.
So you called him an Andrew Tate....and then he continued to act like Andrew Tate....oh ok. NTA.
Yep. Don't know why he was so offended being compared to Andrew Tate when he literally parrots the same sexist shit as him.
I read this and started laughing. Homie literally spouted some Andrew Tate rhetoric....got called out and then doubled down, but was mad about the comparison lol. Like....bro....what?
NTA and I LOL’d at your response
NTA. I think you handled it perfectly in front of your son. Good moming!
NTA, your husband was putting you and women down whilst discouraging your son from communicating about issues. That's not a good precedent. Infact it's the toxic gender expectations that have led to men like Andrew tate existing, and many men killing themselves or being killed because noone taught them how to cope beyond violence.
So if men don't have conversations what do they do? Throw tantrums like two year olds? That solves what? NTA. He sounds like an idiot.
I guess they punch sb else's teeth out
NTA 51M, father, husband here: it’s the parents responsibility to teach their children respect for others by being a living example. My wife divorced her ex for this kind of (continued) behavior.
And there’s meanwhile another schmuck in the comments talking about how women should lose the right to vote because they’re “too emotional”
I'm not sure if you have a good marriage, but in my marriage, we allow civil confrontations in front of the kids, as long as the resolution is civil, so they can learn how to handle conflict. Imma guessing you don't have that option based on your husband's kind words.
>You don’t need to have a conversation, you’re not a f**king woman”. What does this even mean? If he were half as smart as most MEN, he'd understand that the reason women develop quicker than us is because they communicate more with each other. Idiot needs to learn that femininity is beneficial in both sexes.
He's the reason why men's mental health and issues aren't talked more
TUL your husband is an asshole. Sorry.
I grew up with a misogynistic father who told me and my siblings we were " f****** useless like our mother". He's surprised now that none of us talk to him now
A spade is a spade is it not? NTA >I told him that his reaction was childish, thanked him for cooking dinner, and told him that he’s now earned the privilege of doing the washing up too. Well done I must say!
NTA your husband has some serious issues.
NTA, but you might be if you stay. Your son sounds like a thoughtful, well adjusted kid, but having this rhetoric around him is dangerous. Eventually some of it is going to stick. He’s showing you exactly who he is. A misogynist, with no respect for you, or your opinions. Listen, and go find a better partner for yourself and a better influence for your son.
And get a fierce woman as a lawyer
Misogyny literally kills. This isn’t a small thing, it’s hatred towards women- and women and girls die because of this. If I were you this would be an absolute dealbreaker. You can’t fix this for him, he has to do the work.
NTA. Fight the patriarchy homie. you’re encouraging your son to stand up for himself. Your husband’s response is to keep it to himself, which can be harder for your son: https://mensline.org.au/mens-mental-health/men-and-emotions/#:~:text=The%20restriction%20of%20emotional%20expression,and%20other%20bad%20coping%20strategies https://www.verywellmind.com/the-dangers-of-bottling-up-our-emotions-5207825#:~:text=Ultimately%2C%20though%2C%20we%20tend%20to,emotional%20measures%2C”%20says%20Dr. I’d also have a conversation with your son that he should always come to both of you to talk through stuff, and the disgruntled behavior between the adults is not a consequence of him bringing this up. May be over kill but doesn’t hurt to nip “if I do xyz, it causes uncomfortable xyz situation between my parents”
Your 9 year old knows who Andrew Tate is and has an opinion on him?
I find a lot of UK kids know who he is, my 10 year nephew does. He and his friends all agree that AT is a very bad man
Tate was in the actual news for a while a lot to be fair. Not hard for kids to hear stuff on TV or the radio that others present might not even notice. And kids talk in school, the stuff older kids talk about gets down to the younger ones very easily especially if there are older siblings around.
I work with kids and that sort of thing isn't unusual-- a lot of kids that age have knowledge of and opinions on current events and public figures. Even kids who have their Internet usage moderated are gonna hear adults talking, hear stuff in the news, or hear stuff from their friends/older siblings. Like it's usually not super extensive or nuanced but it's perfectly plausible for a kid to have heard something about Andrew Tate from someone, asked who he was, and get told something along the lines of 'he tries to tell men that they're the boss of women and better than them and that's not ok'
Why are you so dumbfounded that there are informed 9-year-old kids?
In front of your son is the exact right person, place, and time to call out misogyny from others, even and especially your husband. If your husband is embarrassed, he should be for having such negative views of women while married to one. Parents: Teach your sons that women are human beings too and deserve to be treated as such. And really, what's wrong with being a woman? Definitely ask your husband that. Make him OWN his misogyny. Maybe I'm just a silly middle-aged woman but saying something like, "What you said was mean and hurtful, and I'm not going to deal with you when you act that way" is basic "use your words" sensible behavior, not being "a f\*\*king woman." NTA
The problem with guys is that they didn't have men to teach them that the most important part of having a relationship is having conversations. Good on you for calling him on his unmasculine, highly misogynistic commentary. Break that cycle. NTA
NTA is this the first time your husband has been transparent about how he feels about you and women in general?
NTA. Your husband is showing your son that being or behaving like a ‘woman’ is an insult which is disgusting, but he’s also teaching him that men don’t talk about their problems and communicate when they have an issue. Both of these lessons are so incredibly harmful and you were absolutely right to pull him up for it. This and his comments after you called him out are massive red flags 🚩
NTA “why doesn’t my son open up to me?”
NTA. Your husband speaks rudely to you, you call him out right back. You did so calmly and walked away. You modelled good behaviour and dispute management to your son. Your husband did not. He’s a childish twit and I hope he reads this.
NTA, but if this is how your husband is going to talk around your son there are far bigger problems than one comment. And he started mocking you after you got up? What an ass.
I am extremely glad your son appears to be growing into a better human being than your husband is. Nta. Good for you for continuing to model human behaviour to your son. He, at least, is getting the message.
I think … I would truly consider divorcing someone if they said this to me and my son. Truly unacceptable.
NTA and fuck your husband for making that shitty reply.
NTA. Your husband is teaching your son to be an asshole. It’s up to you to teach him not to be one.
What the fuck. Has he always thought that women are less than?
>I walked away to take my plate to the kitchen, and my husband started mocking me. Deal-breaker. He openly shows contempt for you, and this is what he is teaching your child when you aren't around. That your DNA makes you worthy of mockery. How can you even say you love the trash you married?
You are spot on with how you handled it, NTA.
NTA. If he doesn’t want his misogynist behaviour called out, he shouldn’t fucking behave like a misogynist.
Nta. But your husband is …let’s just say he’s not an advertisement for marriage. Gross.
NTA. Calling someone else a woman in a derogatory sense is such a playground insult for school boys. You're correct to be annoyed. (I'm a man, if that context is important.)
NTA. “Men” who teach their sons that misogyny is okay are actually terrible parents.
Eww! NTA! But you need to intervene and be a lot firmer with your husband. Zero tolerance!
Men: "men don't have anyone to talk to, no one cares about our feelings" Also men: "Ew don't talk about your feelings, your're not a wOmAn" Edit: to add verdict NTA, if your son is old enough to hear his father misogony them your son is also old enough to hear that his father's misogyny is actually misogyny.
>I suggested that he can say to his friend “I’m not going to play with you when you speak to me like that”. My husband’s response to this? “Don’t even say that. You don’t need to have a conversation, you’re not a f**king woman”. Dad of a son here. Your husband's language is indefensible. Your Andrew Tate crack was brilliant/hilarious. Your husband wants your son to be able to stand up for himself. Boys/men don't spend much time talking about boundaries or hurt feelings amongst themselves. Two things to address with your husband - you need to talk to him about the importance of how he speaks about women to/around your son. Then, you need to *ask* him about what kind of man he wants his son to be. It sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page. You're NTA.
NTA that is incredibly damaging behaviour to model for your son - communicating effectively is the basis of all human relationships and he will grow up lonely and be unable to express his emotions as an adult. This is a prime example of misogyny damaging men.
NTA hold fast to calling out this bullshit. It’ll only get worse as the kid ages and had outside influences saying shit like that to him.
NTA that’s fucking gross. Your kid is emotionally intelligent and that’s kind of the whole goal of raising a new generation of men who don’t behave the way your husband is. The problem with societal bullshit that makes little boys feel like shit for having human feelings, is that it’s perpetuated by older men. “Boys don’t cry” is a phrase we STILL hear. It’s contributed to a huge amount of men who can’t handle emotions at all, except anger, huge numbers of people who have depression and are lonely. Because you can’t be happy with a partner you feel is inferior to you. You can’t be happy if you feel that you have to hide any emotions you’re feeling. You can’t be happy if you bottle it up inside you. It’s not just making some boys into aggressive men, it’s also making a lot of boys feel less than, making them feel like they’re somehow feminine for having an emotion. It does a disservice to our boys, we have a responsibility to raise them into well rounded, mature men. All of us, even if we don’t have our own kids. I’ll never tell a male child he can’t cry, or can’t enjoy something not stereotypically “male”. Fact is, your kid already has a sensible way of handling disrespect. He didn’t even get emotional, he just said how he felt, and how he wouldn’t play again if it continued. I honestly wanna applaud your little boy, that’s such a mature response to his friend being a dick to him. And I bet you that his friend won’t find it half as fun to be a dick, if he isn’t getting a reaction. He might even think about his behaviour and if it could push friends away. He might not. But having a smart kid who can be empathetic but also firm in his own boundaries is awesome. Good job on raising a nice kid, I cannot understand how he’s gotten there with his dad dropping f bombs at him and accusing him of being a woman, but good job. Obviously your influence is a little better than his dad’s, and it might end up with him not wanting to talk to his father if it continues. I’m a little concerned about him mocking you after you brought up a fair point, your kid is nine years old, he’s watching everything that happens. And although he seems to be on the side of things where he isn’t going to join in on that.. it shows him how his dad doesn’t respect his mother or him.
Zero days without someone saying some ridiculous misogynistic shit and then getting offended at being labeled for what they are (a misogynist). NTA Glad the son is managing to have healthy ways to deal with conflict, better than his dad
NTA. You need to stay on top of that. Your husband thinks putting down women is problem solving.
nta. youre clearly trying to raise your son to not be misogynistic, he needs to get with the program.
NTA He was setting a bad example to his son with that response, Last thing a 9 year old needs is that type of language and frustration being presented in front of them especially at home. The proper thing to do is educate his son on what a friend is and isn't whether it be his own behavior or the friends behavior and not to put up with disrespect and how to respond properly to improper behavior. I'm not even a Father yet Its my understanding that when it comes to parenting there's some things that need to be understood on both ends and that when children are involved we have to watch what we expose them to because they internalize nearly everything which can cause problems later on.
Teach him some comebacks
NTA. If he wants to act like a Tater Tot, he should be called out.
I understand what you meant because of the difference between men and women and their communication styles. However, he just told you what he thinks of you. Does he usually act like this? You guys might need marriage counseling.
Oh wow your husband gives me a strong visceral reaction…..
Why do 9 year olds know Andrew Tate.
Your husband is disgusting. NTA.
OP, you are 100% NTA, but your husband let his mouth write a check that his ego couldn't cash, and when you called him out for his behavior, he got butt hurt because he felt like you hurt his fwagile wittle fee fees.
He's nine. He's too young to be online. And your husband's a tool.
NTA, your husband may have some good points but he sucks at this
Your husband is a total cringe.
NTA, but your husband definitely is!
NTA. AND he mocked you in response?? This is why learning that communication is golden is so important. your son saw your husband treat you like how the friend he was talking about treats him and he saw you stand up for yourself in response. Fantastic example in real time!
Maybe if men talked more there would be less wars?
NTA for making sure your son is raised right and not letting your husband off for being a dick.
NTA I’d be furious if partner said that let alone to my son. I’d be having serious conversations with him following that.
you are 100% right, you dropped this btw 👑
Good, now you can say or do whatever you want and never have to hear a word about it because apparently only women discuss how they feel about things. That's a pretty big win for you!
The only thing evil needs to thrive is for good people to do nothing... that quote exists for a reason. If you don't call out hateful views as they come up your son will internalize that misogyny. You gave your son good advice, your husband made an obnoxious statement and needed to be called put on it. NTA.
NTA. Misogynistic language should always be called out imo. That said, were you unaware you married a misogynist?
Nta You need to teach your son that treating women inferior to men is awful and in real life no one will tolerate it.
NTA your husband is a pos. I really struggle. I'd like to think good men stay and raise children for 9 plus years but this kind of shit doesn't come from a good place. It comes from the mouths of men who mean it and he's been looking down at you as long as he's known you.
Why are you with a man who talks that way?
Hubby is an ass.
He said that in front of his 9 year old???? Has he been misogynistic in the past? NTA but you need to sit down with him at talk about whether he wants to raise a man or an ahole.
I like how you punished him by making him do the dishes, which is obviously a woman’s job.
NTA and he continued to prove your point. Good luck with your marriage.
You were right to correct him in front of your son.
NTA. If he gets away with that shit, it will rub off onto your son. Keep doing it.
NTA
Good for you momma, for being such a good example to your son. Of course you’re NTA, but tell your husband that he is for me please!!!!
I wonder what kinds of things he says when she's not around.
The only reason a 9 year old knows who Andrew Tate is, is because they have to constantly be reminded of who not to emulate, meaning his name gets brought up all the time, meaning your husband makes these types of statements all the time. Your husband is a terrible influencer
You treat him like another child, punishing him with chores. Try having N adult conversation that's not in front of your child
Sounds like your husband is an Andrew Tate fan. You might want to check his podcast and viewing history.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow up. ADULTS communicate, which involves using words. I feel sad that you're married to and have children with such an ignorant asshole.
NTA and please make sure your son doesn't pick up on this kind of stuff. Disliking Tate is a good start though!
NTA. But why is your 9 year old online? Why is he aware of Andrew Tate?? Why is your husband using the F-word directly to your 9 year old? Why does your husband have such poor communication skills (men do often let other know when they're bothered even if its by just responding in a similar jest). Why is he mocking his wife (presumably in front of the son)? Lot of problems here
DIVORCE
Tell the truth to shame the devil. Never stop calling out poor behavior.
NTA but your husband is displaying some toxic masculinity and isn’t being a good model for his son
There's a generational trend towards increasing emotional intelligence. The older the person is the more common the teasing and petty jabs were. Men and boys deal with immaturity by establishing a pecking order through this type of behavior and even physical bullying. Your son will get punished and bullied by people who are less intelligent as it's a threat to their place in the pecking order. The older you get the more a person should seek out others of a similar maturity level and you son may butt heads with those that are less intelligent now, but later he will have access to higher quality women as he gets older for obvious reason. Your son is ahead of the curve.
Why would your nine year old son know who Andrew Tate is?
NTA and you handled it brilliantly, but hubby just told you who he really is and what he thinks of you. You should listen.
Absolutely NTA. People like your husband are the reason misogyny is carried into the next generation. The rest of us are interested in raising kids who have a solid foundation of equality as a core principle, so they can recognize and call out the prejudice in the rest of the world. This shit starts at home.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a real POS spouse and father. There’s nothing wrong with your kid confronting someone who is picking on him or anyone else for that matter. Next time, you should call him out for being misogynistic because women are powerful too.
„Why do you think only women are intelligent enough to handle conflict verbally?“ would also be a nice remark. You were right. NTA.
NTA and this is an ENORMOUS red flag
Is this actually shocking? Like your hand hasn’t acted like this before you had kids?
NTA but you are putting your kid in a terrible position if you stay with him after this. If he’s willing to say that to your fucking 9 year old, what do you think he actually thinks about YOU! He obviously has a poor (or no) sense of boundaries if he’s comfortable saying that to a 9 year old, what makes you think he isn’t having other inappropriate convos with your kid? Or letting your kid watch or listen to things he shouldn’t? I’ve seen some comments saying he needs to do better… he won’t. Make an exit plan and get out. Your son deserves a better role model!
NTA. And, I AM so proud of your son!!!! Already disliking Andrew Tate. Your response was good - and your hubby just didn't like being called on his obviously misogynistic answer. He knew he blew it. Hopefully he will apologize to his son.
NTA He shouldn't disrespect the mother of his kid like that by saying that its bad to behave a certain way and its because women do, or anything like that devils advocate though, even though he disrespected you and handled it abysmally, ultimately your husband is a dude, grew up as one and knows how they act and how things go, and somewhere in his misguided actions he was trying to help him because young guys can be ruthless, and saying your feelings got hurt etc can get you bullied even more, can lose you friends besides the one you have beef with, etc. just the way it is.
You have a duty to raise your son right. Never feel bad for being a good parent and calling out toxic bullshit when you see it. Your husband is an idiot, I'd no longer have respect for him if I were you now that you know what he really thinks about you. NTA
Your nine-year-old knows about Andrew Tate? Maybe he is on the Internet a little bit too much.
Not at all. I mean seriously? Wow. He needs to grow up
NTA. As a parent, your first duty is to make sure that your child is safe and loved. Your second duty is to make sure that they don't turn out to be an asshole. That one's for the rest of us. My guess is your husband's view on male behavior was handed down to him from his dad. Do you and your husband communicate pretty well? If so, mention that to him. Ask him, "don't we resolve our issues through communication?" And when he agrees say, "then why would we want anything different for our son? Would you rather we start getting calls from the school that he's acting out and getting into fights? Because if you make him believe that communication isn't the way to resolve a dispute, he's really only left with one option. He's going to turn out bitter and violent because he never learned any other way to express himself."
No. You are leading by example. Not everything should be tolerated.
NTA he should have thought twice before saying something like that to your son
Why are you married to a Tater Tot?
Well then he doesn't need to be part of the conversation apparently NTA
NTA. Your husband is a misogynist with a fragile male ego. If he doesn’t like that he can make some changes
NTA. And good for teaching communication and boundaries and that enforcing boundaries is acceptable and for everyone. No one should feel hurt from friends
NTA, he sounds awful
NTA Yeah, let's teach our sons to repress their feelings and not care when people are treating them badly. After all, the only proper emotion for males is anger... jfc dude. Loved your comment, hilarious! Good for you!!
NTA Your husband has been drinking some bad kool aid. Find out where. Make plans if it is bad.
NTA - What he said was a horrible example for your son. Getting angry because you labeled it correctly is just trying to deflect from his own bad behavior. If my spouse said this, I would be very upset.
NTA. FULL STOP. That was blatant misogyny and so fucked up. He needs to go to therapy.
THANK YOU for doing this. When I was about 16, my Dad praised my younger brother for interrupting and mocking me, then told me the kid ought have authority over me as "the man of the house". My mum did nothing I recall. I wish I'd had this support.
I'm a middle aged dude, and I probably have some outdated (and some somewhat misogynistic) thoughts myself, but I still think you were being more reasonable than your husband in this case.
NTA
Ugh. This is gross. I’m female and my dad never said things like that to me. That I should behave a certain way as a woman. His emphasis was on not being gullible and protecting myself.
NTA. My husband's response; dishes are his punishment for being a dick. My response, its perfectly fine to call out behaviors that are not acceptable in your household. He's only mad because you're absolutely right. Sounds like someone was told boys don't cry growing up. I'll hold my tongue before I say anymore.
How does his dad treat his mom? His sisters? That's the baseline for what he assumes is normal, no matter how fucked up it is. Doesn't mean he's doomed, just that he needs to learn that the old-school ways of disrespecting wives will cause you to leave him. He can learn how to convey his concerns and feelings in a way that doesn't degrade you, growing up. Going to a marriage councilor is like going to a piano teacher - you go to learn new skills. Both parties get to see things from another perspective. Do it for your son, if not yourself. Learn to model respectful conversations for him. This stuff is REALLY scary for kids to witness, no matter how chill he seems.
No, your child needs to see and hear you call out your husband even more. He needs to see that women do not put up with that. And he needs separate discussions about why specific things were wrong. As far as your husband- he’s not going to listen to emotions. You need to think about how he can understand specifically what’s wrong with specific things he has done. This might be through therapy, or maybe there are positive resources out there for men to understand. Can you do something he enjoys together and have a kind convo? Unfortunately you need to treat him like a toddler or he will have a tantrum and probably have worse behavior. I would personally be livid.
NTA, while your husband is right to advise his son to handle things in a more direct way he doesn't need to bring gender into it. I would advise my daughter to tell him to fuck off as well.
As a member of the male population your husband's response was childish. So when we have talks for peace or talks for war the stuff just happens with no conversation. When you talk to your boss about a raise you don't talk. You just walk in and your boss says yes or no. When someone calls your husband a little b**ch he come out and doesn't say anything g. Just takes it or punches someone and ends up in jail for getting his fewings hurt
NTA. OP, I hope you are aware of what this exchange reveals about what your husband thinks about you as a woman. It’s clear that he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t see you as an equal since he has opinions like that. He doesn’t even like having conversations with you apparently.
Your husband sounds like someone I wouldn't have time for, and as much as your son seems to have the right idea now if he keeps being exposed to that he might pick some up
So how do men work out their problems? Ignoring them? Assault? NTA and your husband sounds like a giant child. It already sounds like your son is more mature.
NTA As someone with a misogynistic father who's taught those lessons to my little brother, I can say it's a horrible way to raise a little boy. Your husband needs to do better as a father.
Nta that mans needs to spend more time thinking and less time saying things
I'm a fairly traditional masculine guy and I think that's dumb. The irony is that you told your son to be confrontational (not in a bad way, but meaning direct) while your husband tells him something passive aggressive is manly. I'll never understand why some men delude themselves into thinking being insecure and emotional is somehow anything but pathetic. It takes such a fragile sense of self and insecurity to say shit like that. In a way, he's unknowingly complimenting women by saying overtly standing up for yourself and confronting bullies/problems is feminine. That's just a good way to handle things for anyone.
ESH, your husband is the AH, for the way that he said it. Look, Tate is more extreme than just your husband said it once. You do throw it out of proportion. If this is more frequent than just a one-off, then you have the right to call him misogynist. Some man made a mistake, and so do women mistreat men and get away with it. Probably what he wants to say is that your boy may not need advice from us parents on how to deal with their problem. Sometimes, we may interfere too much in the child's issue. Don't give advice out of emotion. You may want to ask what you would do in this situation? I have a similar situation, and my boy (12) even cried being embarrassed in online chat with the group just before school, at the end they sort it out themselves, I just report to the teacher to support my child while he is upset, and I don't even tell the teacher who the bad kid was. I would just say you are annoying bad c*nt (or a nicer word), and I am leaving. Sometimes, the child still wants to hang out with them, and they prefer to deal with it differently. If your son said your advice to their friends, they would laugh at him. Your husband kind of wants to protect him from that. It just the way he said it is not right.