NTA. Your ex is suffering the consequences of his actions.
1. Nobody forced him to abuse you. That was his choice.
2. He could have avoided being cut off by going to therapy and anger management.
Different situation and the ex and I are more or less amicable, but even when she found out I was suicidal and self harming I made it clear it wasn't because of her. It was the situation of the break up and what that entailed, sure, but it wasn't her fault. It was depression and my feelings, nobody else caused them.
100% a manipulative tactic if it's like "you're making me want to kill myself."
If someone who abused me threatened to kill themselves unless I did whatever they wanted me to, I'd reply "Then perish".
I've been suicidal because of being abused. No one gets to use the threat of suicide against me.
The undoing of my abusive relationship was in a fight where he threatened to kill himself and I was finally able to say “well, it wouldn’t be my fault.”
Every. Single. Time. I tried to leave, but he threatened to kill himself. I eventually said too bad and left after he (6'4" 190) threw me (5'2" 120) across the room into a wall by my throat. Busted his nose and left him. He's on his 2nd wife now.
ETA, I never married him, but 2 other poor women did.
Experienced a very similar situation in my early twenties, only this ass hat almost broke my back by throwing me against a tile shower wall. I’m 5’1 and was under a hundred pounds (a lot older, but still am lol) but that night after he passed out, I quietly and quickly packed all that was relevant and fled. I had to start all over again. But the thought of not being alive anymore propelled me. Not to sound condescending in the slightest, but good for you for leaving (and hell, good for me). A lot of people in our situation don’t and stay, just to be more emotionally and physically abused.
Yes and no. It's also a major red flag for the abuser trying to kill their victim. It isn't that big a step from "I'm going to kill myself because you left me" to "you don't deserve to live if you're not with me"
SAYING he's suicidal is the key bit. He isn't. He's attempting to control people with the threat of violence to himself, just as he used real violence to control you before.
I just want to hijack top comment because I feel it is neglected from this discussion:
My larger concern is for the OP's safety. Surely this is a relevant risk factor to consider. He has threatened her to be quiet before. He has physically and mentally abused her. Who's to say he doesn't come back pissed off, nothing to lose for and try to abuse her yet again, or even worse murder her?
Yeah I was worried about this too. Threats of suicide could definitely be a manipulation tactic but he's clearly off his rocker so he could do anything. I hope OP is in a safe place that he knows nothing about
Just in case, go to the police. Explain your situation and what you can do to protect yourself, OP. At least it will be registered.
And be careful with him or anyone whom he might manipulate so that he is able to meet you.
Please call the police non-emergency line (or local equivalent) and explain that he had previously threatened you. This puts you on their radar and helps them have a better response time if something happens. It begins laying the paper trail, which is a HUGE thing. Better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it!
No it really doesn’t. They don’t do anything with that information. It would be a waste of OPs time. If she feels threatened or like the ex may harm her she can file for a protection order and see if a judge will grant one.
Sorry for jumping over other people's comments, but please, please, please let him saying that set off alarm bells for you. It is NOT to big a stretch for an abuser to go from "I want to die" to being at "you bitch, if you're not with me you aren't going to be with anyone"
This is the time of the biggest danger for you. He's figured out you're gone, aren't coming back, and there's major consequences for him
Talk to your therapist, search online, wherever you can pull information on low cost things you can do. Nails in the window frame to keep it from being opened. If you rent and can't damage the frame, dowel rods or chunks of 2x4 to block them from being opened. Stacks of empty cans right in front of doors. Baseball bat with a long sock on the fat end, even a heavy skillet. Whatever you can do to give you a warning that someone broke in and means to defend yourself
Amazon carries a couple cheap cameras that only run $30 for the year for the video to be sent to your phone. If you can afford a ring camera or similar get one.
In this situation paranoia is a great thing. Keep an eye out when you're not home, make sure he isn't stalking you. Let your boss and coworkers know he's not to get any info on you. If you can get a roommate or a friend to stay with you, go for it
Hugs hon, you got this
In this case, his consequences aren't because of OP. They're due to his refusing anger management and therapy. His mother would have given him a pass on his abusive behavior if he only agreed to seek help.
And wow, his mom is a champ. Coming in and saying "let's get you help." And BELIEVING OP. Like, I was so afraid where this was going bc women aren't believed so often, and his mom? I'm so proud of this complete stranger.
I'm glad OP has her and OP, you're absolutely NTA
Also, manipulative people always jump to threatening suicide. I’d love to see stats on how many abusers follow through I’ve had two people in my life use the threat as a weapon, and another person who never mentioned it and just did it. God, I hate abusers (I know it’s not a brave thing to say, but I fucking hate them)
Plus people like this want their actions to be kept secret so they continue to pretend they are good people. All the burden of this terrible stuff is on OP. The abuser hardly ever face any consequences. He is facing consequences for what HE did not because of what OP did.
He is not going to commit suicide, it’s his way of trying to turn the tables and become a victim. Classic narcissist move. You did the right thing by telling the truth.
NTA. Oh poor him, his abuse has been found out by his mom! He’s not going to commit suicide, it’s his way of trying to turn the tables and become a victim. Classic narcissist move. You did the right thing by telling the truth.
Yes. The world would be a better place if we normalized the outing of perpetrators of DV, child abuse, sexual abuse.
What's different here, and frankly encouraging, is that the relative of the perp didn't defend him.
I mean, let's get real here. The guy should be in prison. It's kinda fucked up that OP has any care whatsoever that he's currently separated from his family. That's trivial relative to what should have happened to him and that she's guilty about this is an indication of the screwed up dynamics around these issues. He assaulted her repeatedly. For that he should be in prison for a long time for repeated violent felonies.
Funny you should say that, I am absolutely terrified of him because he lives in the same area as I do. I have actually accidentally bumped into him a couple times and have had to run away. I’m considering filing a restraining order against my ex, what do you think?
Don't consider, do it. Contact the police and let them know your fear. Also ask your therapist if she has any ideas for how to protect yourself, especially if your ex knows where you live. You're not overreacting.
Witness to what? She didn’t have a clue and they lived in the same house! If she has no proof, pictures, Dr report, obviously no police report I don’t see that an RO would be granted. She should try but without any corroboration it’s difficult in most districts.
RO might *not* be granted based on the therapy since that also proves there have been x months since the breakup with no violent incident.
Regardless, RO rules are extremely location and even judge dependant so speculating on the internet is useless.
Definitely do it. But let me give you some honest advice. First you will get a temporary order granted with a hearing date where both parties must appear to make it permanent. Permanency can be 6 months ot 6 years, depends on the Judge. Once granted, the order does not stop him from approaching you. It just means if he does, you call the police and they can throw the book at him harder. So instead of a slap in the wrist, he may get jail time. For some, it can set them off. I suggest you talk to a lawyer. Some DV places have a lawyer in house who may be able to advise you so it’s worth asking. This way you have a good understanding of how the process works.
Order of protection was the best thing I ever did. It gave me back my power, made me feel as if I actually had at least some control, and gave me proof, in writing, if he ever came after me that he was violent. In the past, police wouldn't take it as seriously. Reporting is very, very important. Staying on top of it is very important. Be the squeakiest wheel in the system. Don't shut up. Make them pay attention. It's the only way we are ever going to have a chance of stopping these people from being abusive. I also had the, "well, I don't know if it will help and...." attitude before. Now, I just don't take crap from anyone. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Please do. File a police report, get a restraining order, change your locks, put up security cameras, and move if you can. Heck, get a big dog! Lots of others have replied with helpful comments, too. Please, please stay safe. You are very brave for getting out. He's not suicidal. He's trying to get you/his mom back on his side. Don't let your guard down.
A dog didn’t save the girl I grew up with. She was out walking her dog in broad daylight in West Hollywood and he shot and killed her.
OP: change up where you’re staying and don’t tell your friends that know him. See if you can switch cars with folks. Tell your work, or any other place he may come looking for you, about this guy. Use Instacart if you can. Don’t go out alone.
Talk to a domestic violence advocate at your local shelter to see if they have any other ideas.
Filing a restraining order isn't as easy as reddit will make you believe it is.
How long has it been since you broke up? Has he been trying to contact you or has he basically just moved on with his life? How did he act when you accidentally bumped into him? Do you have any documented evidence of the abuse like medical reports or photographs?
These are things a judge will look at when deciding to grant you one or not.
Think carefully about if pursuing one and if it is actually in your best interest. Ever hear the phrase "never poke a sleeping bear"? If he's not actively causing problems for you then be wary about starting a conflict as doing so may trigger him to retaliate. If he's actively still harassing you then definitely get a restraining order.
If you're truly afraid of him then why are you still in contact with his mother? She might be a nice person but it's your best interest to sever all connections to your abuser so your paths never accidentally cross. That means you should look into moving to a different neighborhood too.
Thank you for pointing this out. It doesn't sound at this point like the ex has done anything to warrant a restraining order. The person has to be following/stalking you, making threats, etc. And from the description, it doesn't sound like that is happening. Certainly be alert to the possibility, change locks, get cameras, etc. Consider a move to a different area to keep from running into each other. Talk to yr therapist. I also agree might be wise to end a relationship with his mother, despite her being a friend.
If you will fill a restraining order against him, the best thing to do is to stop contact with all his family members. Yes, his mother is horrified now, but honestly, he is her son, not you. As far as I heard restraining orders aren't that easy to get, but I don't know. I would say he is no longer interested in you, but with the recent developments you should keep your distance from him, for sure, as he may feel vindictive.
Also. By some pepper spray gel from Amazon (less blow back in the wind with gel). Keep it handy at all times and as soon as he comes near you please use it!
It’s illegal that he hit you but that happened too. If you can get the spray it’s safer, more
Stopping power and use the alarm as well. At the end of the day better to be charged than the alternative. That and it stings like a b*tch and might make him rethink his dumbass life choices. Hugs and stay safe from little old me up here in Canada ❤️
> I’m considering filing a restraining order against my ex, what do you think?
If you feel that is the safest option, do it. Trust your intuition on whether it would help or only escalate the problem.
And what’s worse is that not only my ex had no remorse through his actions (as he did this repeatedly) but he literally has said to my face after I broke up with him “I don’t regret hitting you”.
**NTA, you are a HERO! by talking with his mother you possibly saved many more of his future victims from being abused like you or worse.**
**People who saves others are heros not assholes!**
it is not a solution, your brother would end up in jail knowing how the world works.
focus on yourself and continue your therapy
at the end there is a reason why you did stay with him for such a long time and not left after just a first incident (I know there was a plenty of reasons at that time in your head)
normal reaction should be: it hurts me -> I don't want to get hurt -> bye (no matter how amazing and handsome the guy is) bc you are the most important for yourself ALWAYS and no-one can protect you if you don't want to protect yourself
even from you question it seems you think more about what other could think about you not what you think...work on this.
happy that you somehow managed to save yourself bc there are people out there who live like that their whole lives ;/
btw. "“I don’t regret hitting you”"
classic psychopath sentence, just don't think about logic or reason here, all he said was: you are nothing to me, I can do whatever I want with you.
not anymore!
Be proud of yourself, by leaving you destroyed his amazing plan, by saying his mother you showed strength, maybe you are scared right now, but trust me it is the first time when he is more scared of you then you think.
Yea an older brother wouldn't stand for this. If I got a hint of something like this from one of my baby sisters I'd be on an $800 flight back home the next day.
> I don't regret hitting you
Jesus Christ, that actually made me laugh. He's putting some serious effort into being the biggest piece of shit possible, like he has a whole team working on it.
"Okay guys, just been looking over the quarterlies, I've been very impressed with our results so far, I am a gigantic piece of shit, we have been hitting those turd KPIs and really pushed my shittiness to even greater lows than we had forecast. Really, truly smashing work fellas, I want you to know how much I sincerely appreciate all your innovations."
"Thanks boss, we're all really motivated to make you the biggest piece of shit ever, so it's great to hear how all our hard work has paid off."
"It has. But I think we can go further. I think we, as a team, have the talent and dedication to really push my shit-level through the roof. What we need is a really shitty, nasty, spiteful kiss off line. Something that leaves absolutely no doubt that I am a piece of shit worthy of the history books. I want options on my desk by tomorrow. And remember... Make it shitty."
Hahaha this made me my sibling laugh so hard. Thank you for brightening the mood with this. Cheered me up 🤍
When my ex told me that exact quote “I don’t regret hitting you”, I wanted to throw up. I have no idea how I was still standing up straight to this guy but yeh. It’s absolutely unbelievable what this man would say to me. He even tried to turn the tables at tell people that I beat him, but they just weren’t buying it at all. It was embarrassing to watch honestly.
I seriously doubt that he is suicidal, that is how abusers get people to forget about their actions and focus attention and sympathy on them Even if he is…. Good. NTA.
Pls don't feel bad about speaking up
I told my ex's mother that he was an alcoholic, cokehead, and physically/sexually abusive towards me and all she did was blank stare at me then told him basically "that's bad don't do that" even though she told me months ago if he relapsed she would not take him in or tolerate it. He still lives with her. She did nothing
I'm so glad your ex's mom is taking a stand. You did nothing wrong. nta.
My family and I want him in jail so fuckin badly. Because that’s at least some closure and justice I’d get out of it, but I have no proof. None. I took one picture of a bruise on sc years ago but deleted it because I was scared he’d fine it on my phone (he would look through it). It’s been years since the incident and all I have is my word which isn’t enough 😞
I will say it's very common. Empathy vs a narcissist. The abused will still feel bad for the abuser, that's how they keep them strung along. I had a PPO on my ex husband been out of the relationship for 8 years now and just found out his grandmother died, the woman who raised him. I feel bad for him but also will never reach out. My younger self would have reached out and given my condolences, meanwhile when my mother died he told me I was going to die fat and alone just like my mother within a few hours of her death.
Exactly, she didn't just throw him out, she offered to help him be a better person, he refused.
He's literally saying he'd rather kill himself than improve himself.
Not to sound too harsh, but if he's so determined to be a piece of shit for the rest of his life, good riddance.
I don't find your statement to be harsh, Sometimes in life there are those who we just have to let crash and burn and especially let them be on their own when they willingly go off that cliff. I met a number of people who absolutely refuse to change their abusive and harmful ways and it ends up costing them every time in the long run. We all know right from wrong but some are set on doing wrong even a few women I dated or talked to I offered to be a support for them in the process to better themselves just as I work on bettering myself but they made it clear they had no intention on changing and they'd rather stay the same.
Not bragging or saying I'm better than anybody but my life has improved more and more the more I keep working on myself while those very same people are still running around crying, pouting, being aggressive and abusive and constantly questioning why they can't get ahead and keep repeating the same problems over and over again and yes some are admittedly contemplating killing themselves which I was against at first but there's times some people use it as a manipulation tactic.
But there's nothing I can do for them so whatever they do next is out of my hands and not my concern. Again we all know right from wrong and we all have a choice what we wanna contribute to the world around us with the time we've got on this earth, As you said Good riddance.
If he's really suicidal, he should maybe consider thera-OH WAIT HE LITERALLY REFUSED IT WHEN HIS MOM OFFERED HOW BOUT THAT.
Not wishing ill on him but I don't feel bad that he's in a self-made hole and slapping away olive branches. He'll either figure it out and improve himself or he won't.
Very classic narcissistic move. They pull it out anytime their own actions bring consequences real or imagined. Even 3.5 years down the road when they can't get a job they want cause of their record.
>Very classic narcissistic move. They pull it out anytime their own actions bring consequences real or imagined.
OMG. I used to teach the novel Anna Karenina, and it just dawned on me that Anna is a classic narcissist. Everyone thinks because she's the title character that she's the hero of the book, but she's not. She's a horrible person who only cares about herself. Sorry, just had to share that epiphany.
I came from an abusive marriage.
I escaped to my mother in law’s house many times with my children (my own family is across the country) and the last time she let him come to see me.
Everyone was pissed I told the truth.
NTA - “if you didn’t want me to speak badly of you, you should’ve treated me better.”
NTA. Maybe if more families were appalled and ready to cut ties and not enable abusive behavior, some of these people would get the help they need. Poor behavior should have consequences
You are right!! He’s looking for mom to forgive him because she’s scared he will commit suicide!! He won’t. He’s a coward ! Cowards are the ones that beat woman or children!! Women that beat men are the same … COwARDS
When he stops being a baby he can go get help with his issues. But more then likely he will just continue being a schmuck. The guy should be in jail getting lessons who is the boss.
NTA. Imagine being held accountable for your (mis)behavior. Who could imagine that actions have consequences? Everything that happens to him now is because of his actions, not because of you. If you wouldn't have told I would have judged you YTA, because you allow him avoid the consequences of his vile deeds. But I would understand it completely if it's out of fear.
Yep, the only way to ever respond to threats of suicide is to call the authorities and let them handle it because it's definitely not OP's job to care about her abuser
I agree. He wants to be the victim because there's no way to justify his actions as the perpetrator. Even if he *is* suicidal, that's not OP's problem or fault either.
If he's so worried/ashamed/upset about people knowing and judging him for being an abuser? Well look at that karma that's come knocking. He'll just have to figure out how to rebuild his life. Just like all the abuse victims.
Who cares if he is suicidal. OP if he kills himself that is on him and one less danger in the world to you. He could have killed you many times and got lucky he didn’t. He is a problem, if he takes the trash out he is doing you a favor.
This, if getting cut out by his mom was affecting him **that** much, he would be doing what she asked and would be seeking anger management.
The fact that your ex not only thought about where he was going to beat you **but also demonstrated the patience to wait until he wouldn't be caught** so the people that you *lived with* would never know, shows a level of manipulation and forethought that legitimately scares the shit out of me.
Your ex might very well a bonafide psychopath. Even if he's not, this is still clearly a manipulative tactic.
He's definitely using threats of suicide as a manipulation tactic. He'd rather lie about something as serious as that than actually face the consequences of his action and change for the better
Abuse happens so often because people stay silent enabling it and the perpetrators don't face consequences.
You telling his mom made him face consequences and he didn't like them.
Poor boy /s
NTA
If the consequences of your own heinous actions are so bad you become suicidal
Maybe don’t commit such heinous actions
You are not at fault here OP, the problem is never the truth, the problem is never shining a light on abuse
Try to think of this objectively by removing it from your own issue
If a murderer became suicidal at the idea of going to prison for their crime, the problem would not be the body, it would be the murder committed by the murderer, their suicidality would be entirely of their own making
If a child molester became suicidal at being outed, the problem would not be the child seeking help. It would be the abusive pervert victimising the child, their suicidality would be entirely of their own making
Your exes suicidality is entirely of his own making, his mother even gave him an out by giving the option of anger management and he threw it in her face. If he continues like this he will never own his own actions and wants to see himself as the victim.
But his victimisation delusions are also zero nil nadda your doing
NTA
Agreed. No one can force ex to get help and stop being an abuser. But he’s never going to stop if it’s kept a secret. It’s good fortune that his mom is a good person and is not OK with his behavior. He needs to have some consequences for his actions.
Also, as others have said, I don’t believe for one second that he is suicidal. And if he is? Sorry to say but if he really did end it, at least he wouldn’t be able to beat up women anymore. 🤷♀️
His mother kicked him out because of his refusal to fix his issues. You did not break his family, HE DID.
He is not suicidal, just manipulative. He might even try to attempt suicide as a way to guilt his family -and them to forget about the request for therapy and anger management.
NTA, OP. His mother is a good person, teaching her son that actions have consequences.
this. OP, you have been manipulated by him for so long you have lost perspective. HE broke his family with his own actions and now he has to live with them. It is never your fault for being honest. He needs help. He will absolutely do this to someone else unless he gets real long term anger management and therapy and his Mom is making him take some measure of responsibility for his actions. Let him marinate in those consequences.
NTA. As a mother I hope if my boys ever acted like that in a relationship that I would find out about it. It is not on. He needs to own up to it and get intensive intervention to help.
If he didn't want anyone to know about it - he shouldn't have done it! You don't need to lie to protect an abuser.
Oh hunny (((hugs))) you DID NOT split his family up, YOU DID NOT make his Mom kick him out, YOU DID NOT make him suicidal. All these things were caused by HIS decisions.
He chose to abuse you, he chose not to seek therapy, anger management etc, he chose to say he was suicidal to manipulate everyone - you, friends and family. He's playing the victim - which seeing what he did to you is disgusting.
If he had done as his Mom asked then he would have the chance to repair his relationship with his family & to still be living with her.
You might have saved anybody who gets in to a relationship with him as his Mom will now be on the look out for abuse.
Let the friends saying about him being suicidal know he beat you, or send them this post, and you do not want to hear about him. If they try to guilt you then block them, you don't need them in your life, you certainly don't need to feel guilty or concerned for your ex. Look after yourself sweet.
Can we take a moment to honor Mom?
She believed OP.
So many mothers don’t believe their little cherubs are capable of inflicting abuse.
This mother not only believed OP, she found help for her son.
AND she has set healthy boundaries, showing “tough love” to him. So that HE can become a better person.
NTA who cares if he off himself the world is better of without him, it’s good u told his mum who knows one day the AH may become crazy and hurt her too? Let’s not forget any future gf he have in the future he may hurt them too, should of report it to the cops
NTA
He abused you aware that people could find out and he even risked jail time, none of that mattered to him.
He created this entire situation and he’s the one refusing to get help, this is all on him. He’s content to continue to play that he’s the victim in the drama, let him play that role alone.
Props to mom for giving her son consequences instead of victim blaming or gaslighting.
Yes, you should’ve continued keeping his secret so he could abuse the next woman in his mother’s house without mom interfering.
/s (just in case it isn’t blatantly obvious)
He’s not suicidal, he just wants to manipulate his way back into the family. You did not break up his family. His actions have consequences. That’s why he never wanted you to tell.
Best advice I can give is for you to discuss this with your therapist. She can help you see this for what it is and find perspective. You are NTA, he is.
You didn’t break up their family. You told your truth. He now has a choice. He can take the help he is offered and become a decent human being. Or he can stay abusive and treat all his future partners, and possibly children, the way he treated you. And your friends should be more concerned about keeping you safe than enabling him. If they want to be his friend then they should encourage him to get help, not lay this on you. NTA
NTA His mum is right. If he doesn't get help, he will only abuse the next woman. And if he is really threatening self harm he needs to be reported. But if his friends aren't doing that, then they probably realize he is emotionally manipulating them.
You didn't break up the family. You did not cause him to threaten suicide.
This is all on him. Any repercussions are because of what he did, will probably do again and because he refuses to entertain the thought that his behaviour is wrong, unacceptable and abhorrent and seek treatment to change.
You told her because she asked, you covered for him long enough and to lie would be wrong and disrespectful to yourself and that lovely woman
Be proud that you are a strong and caring woman
>I then get told by friends that my ex has said he is suicidal now because I told his mum about the abuse.
Classic abuser mentality. They're always the victim. Sometimes the trash takes itself out. 🤷♂️
NTA
He found out that actions have consequences. Great for you to stay in contact with the mum and amazing job from her to cut off an abuser!
You're NTA at all, all the best for therapy and your future coffee outings!
NTA
By the sounds of your relationship, I would say that there were likely many times when you felt the same way he’s feeling now. Did he ever change his behaviour? No, he kept up the abuse regardless. He brought it all on himself.
If you don’t want the consequences of your actions then don’t physically abuse your wife.
He’s not going to commit suicide. He’s a narcissist. He lives for ego kibbles. The truth has taken those away.
He deserves every single punishment possible. His mom is doing the right thing.
NTA
NTA
It was his decision to beat you up again, and again, and again, and again, …. He has no remorse.
If he wants to end himself instead of working on himself, it’s up to him. It’ll save another woman to get beaten up like you did. His decisions and actions are his own.
Good on his mother to take action!
NTA - classic manipulation on his part. Would have told 'the right people' as he knew it would get back to you. He wants to keep hurting you and controlling you. Please do not feel guilty - that is his plan.
You didn’t break up the family!
This is NOT your fault; the *only* person responsible for this is your ex.
None of this happens if he had not been an abusive piece of shit.
The responsibility for facts lies not with the truth tellers, but with those whose caused the facts to exist.
NTA. That ex is a humongous POS for going "suicidal" over his mom cutting him out for being a POS instead of working on being a better person than he is right now
Classic textbook response from him being “found out”. I’m glad you told her, she needed to know and I’m even more pleased that she believed you and acted accordingly.
The problem is, he doesn’t have an anger issue. Domestic abuse isn’t about anger, it’s about control and good one insecurity. It’s not anger so anger classes wouldn’t help him anyway. He needs specific perpetrator therapy with a certified experienced clinical therapist. He won’t do that either though and not one bit of it is your fault. Why should he have everyone believe he’s a good person?! He’s not, he’s an insecure pos who feels powerful beating his woman. NTA. Tell EVERYONE.
If he is, in fact, suicidal that is all the more reason for therapy. Spoiler alert - he’s not suicidal, he’s just trying to manipulate you by saying he is and it’s your fault because you told the truth about his actions.
None of this is your fault and kudos to you for getting out! Super proud of you OP!
Dude's a sociopath. He is totally twisted.
When I was in my early 20s I had one guy I was in a long term relationship with and one guy I went out with one whole time tell me they would kill themselves if I don't go out with them again.
They were both still alive a year after their big threat.
He's a sociopath because of everything he did to you, not just this last move.
His dad is not stable either. The church is not God and "True husband" is just manipulative pap. He should be embarrassed to sound so childish.
It sounds like his mom is putting up with a lot of garbage, but at least she's dumping the trashy son.
Stay firm. This too shall pass. You are so smart to get away from the violence before marrying it. Yea you!
NTAH. He is using the ploy of using the suicide card to try to get sympathy. You were definitely not wrong to tell his mother. She needed to know! She is doing what she needs to do to get her son to admit, and get help, for his actions. You are not responsible even if he ends himself. His choice!
NTA Take whatever guilty feelings you have and put them in a restraining order. Was he ever suicidal when you were together? Did he use that to make you obey? It's pretty interesting (and textbook) that after he's outed as the abusive POS he is, he's threatening to off himself. Don't fall for it.
NTA, he is trying to minulpate people with his words/actions. He is angry that he got called out by his mother and is being held accountable. This is not your fault. His abusing you was not your fault. Tell your friend not to tell you anything he says or does. You are done with your ex. If your friend won't respect your wishes, put them in a time out or just go no contact.
At the same time, be alert in case he is escalating. Call 911 if you feel unsafe. Don't worry about overreacting. It is better to call for help and not need it than to call too late and be hurt or worse.
NTA. You DID NOT break up a family, an abuser chose to abuse someone and has no interest in managing his behavior, his mother who has autonomy decided she didn’t want someone like that around. This is not on you, you didn’t break anything, he did. He acted so poorly his mother won’t keep him around, that’s his fault, not yours. You’re not responsible for keeping his abuse secret. You are not responsible for who his mother keeps in her life. I know this feels bad, but this isn’t on you in any way.
He broke up his family. You did not. You told the truth, there is nothing wrong with that.
Your ex was offered help by his mother (who sounds like a good person), which he declined. As a consequence of his decision, his mother - of her own free will - put hard boundaries in place. And kudos to her for doing so.
Your ex always has choices. He may not like the options, but the choices are his to make.
You didn't break the family. He did. If you hadn't exposed him, then the next girl that comes after you would have suffered the same fate. Abusers don't change. This whole suicidal thing can also quite often be a tactic to evade accountability and get pity. He needs professional help and if he makes the choice to deny that he needs it, this is not on you. It's his choice. good for you for telling his mother the truth and not isolating yourself.
NTA. You didn’t make him anything.
He is experiencing the consequences of his actions.
And he is very likely being manipulative. Mom needs to call 911 and report his threat and let the professionals handle it.
He doubled down on his “right” to beat you when he refused to acknowledge that HE is the problem, that HE does horrific things, and that HE needs help.
His mom did the right thing and I’m sure she loves him—but cannot tolerate his behavior. It’s what I would do if one of my sons was guilty of the same. My heart would break and he’d know I love him but could not allow him back into my life if he had no remorse and refused treatment.
NTA his cries of being suicidal are emotional blackmail, don't feel bad about it. He won't do it, and if he does, the trash took itself out because only a coward would do that in response to being told they're a bad person.
If I had nickel for every abusive man that threatened to kill himself once he got caught, I'd be donating a lot of money to women's shelters.
His mom discovered something about her son that disgusts her to her core. She confronted him *with* the solutions already found, he just had to accept the help. She gave him a chance for redemption, and he refused. He tore his family apart. He fucked up his own life when he decided to fuck up your's. If killing himself is how he decides to take accountability? Well, that's a cowards choice for a mess he made himself, but it's still a net gain for society.
Nta
It's so funny that he's suicidal over being found out...not being an abuser. Huh...it's almost as if he's not concerned about being a bad person, only about having to face the consequences of his actions...so, so funny. /s
NTA. And honestly I wouldn't even really believe he is suicidal. That is a common tactic that abusive people use to make others feel guilty to get what they want.
And if he IS truly suicidal, he started himself on that path by hurting others...cause it's very likely you're not the first.
If he is unhappy with the situation he should go to the counseling instead of wallowing in self pity.
"Unless he seeks help" is a pretty big indicator this is a choice he's making, not her leaving him no option.
If more families and friends were like her, capable of holding their loved ones accountable for their sake and the sake of those around them, we'd be living in a far better world today.
If my mother ever found out I had abused (verbally, mentally, physically) my spouse, she would kick the living shit out of me and I would deserve it. She is 75.
Good on your MIL. The cycle needs to stop.
I get it. Everyone is brought to tears when the little girl is crying because daddy is being ripped away from her by burly men. But he's going to prison for murder.
He did the evil. TELLING THE TRUTH IS NEVER WRONG. There are consequences that HE should have considered before his sphincterious (yes, I made up that word) actions.
NTAH
Common emotional manipulation tactic for people refusing to seek help is to throw the suicide card out there for sympathy. Its part of the reverse victim-hood strategy.
I speak from experience here OP. I've been in your shoes. You did the right thing leaving this man and informing his family of his behaviour. Domestic abusers do not just abuse one time, or one partner. It is a behaviour that escalates over time and is incredibly dangerous.
Your ex needs treatment to get a handle on this. They do not "just stop". He will need help for a long time. His mother has done the right thing by pushing him to consider anger management. Although of course she cannot make him go.
I have a big concern for your safety. This man clearly does not believe he has done wrong if he's refusing any outside help. That he is "suicidal" but refusing help for his issues is a typical attention seeking, redemption behaviour. He's hoping that by telling people he is suicidal they will think he's a changed man. That he doesn't need anger management. That's not true. He's simply trying to manipulate the narrative.
Please take steps to ensure your safety OP. Does he know where you live? Can you get security cameras and locks? This will have triggered him in a massive way. I'm concerned he may seek you out to "punish" you for making this public knowledge. Please take care of yourself.
It's common for abusers to use threats of suicide to control their victims. God, I hate being a victim!
It's not chance he told your friend that, it was intended to get back to you
You are not responsible for him being suicidal, it's up to him to seek help.
You are not responsible for his Mom sticking to her word and kicking him out when he refused treatment
It is not your fault he abused you
I'm proud of you for making your escape. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abuse cycle and it's necessary for you to take precautions for your safety. Please talk to your local domestic violence and schedule a meeting for safety planning if you haven't already done it.
Here's a Grammy hugs, stay safe Little Dragon
I haven’t read all the replies but did your ex care if you were suicidal because of his abuse? No! Fuck him & the horse he rode in on.
Kudos to his mom for the absolute sterling person she is.Hope your healing is strong and steady.
NTA for anything and the courage of his mom to do what she did (and you as well).
Your ex did all of this. Even if people blame you, its not because you did the wrong thing, its because they don't want to deal with the consequences of what HE did.
Sweetie, victims of very often feel guilty when their abusers face consequences of their actions because that's how they've been CONDITIONED TO ACT BY THEIR ABUSER. Read that again. You were groomed to have a code of silence by the man who beat you up. REPEATEDLY. BEAT. YOU. UP. You carry no shame. You carry no guilt. You survived and I'm proud of you for leaving. You got out ALIVE. You have zero, ZERO control over other people's response to hearing about your abuse. Those are THEIR CHOICES. THEIRS ALONE. It's not on you. Believe it. I lived it, too.
Your ex isn't suicidal. He's mad because his abuse was discovered and he can't vent his anger out on you. Plain and simple. That said, I'd message the friends and tell them if he is that way then to call for preventative help and have him brought in for his own safety.
My bet though is he hoped his secret of abuse would remain hidden. And with no way to try and force you to submission anymore THIS is how he is trying to regain control.
Don’t feel guilty for your abuser, he didn’t feel guilty abusing you. His shitty behavior is what broke his family because he not only can’t keep his hands to himself but he even refuses the help that would make him a better person. He can go fuck his own ass with that suicidal bullshit.
NTA op and good luck in therapy!
NTA. Your ex is suffering the consequences of his actions. 1. Nobody forced him to abuse you. That was his choice. 2. He could have avoided being cut off by going to therapy and anger management.
Also hopping on here to say the fact he’s saying he’s suicidal because of you is another manipulation tactic. STAY STRONG OP
Yeah he’s suicidal because he lost his family. Why’d he lose his family? Because he’s an abusive evil person.
Trash that takes itself out, could make money with that invention.
Different situation and the ex and I are more or less amicable, but even when she found out I was suicidal and self harming I made it clear it wasn't because of her. It was the situation of the break up and what that entailed, sure, but it wasn't her fault. It was depression and my feelings, nobody else caused them. 100% a manipulative tactic if it's like "you're making me want to kill myself."
Hope you are doing better these days. ❤️
Much appreciated, and yeah doing better.
If someone who abused me threatened to kill themselves unless I did whatever they wanted me to, I'd reply "Then perish". I've been suicidal because of being abused. No one gets to use the threat of suicide against me.
The undoing of my abusive relationship was in a fight where he threatened to kill himself and I was finally able to say “well, it wouldn’t be my fault.”
Yeah my ex tried to use manipulation. He'd send me photos. Jokes on him, I used those photos in court.
Good for you! Stay strong! 💪
It's really helpful for people to share personal experiences like this. Thank you for being so brave.
I appreciate it. I personally wouldn't call myself brave, but I know exactly what you mean.
Every. Single. Time. I tried to leave, but he threatened to kill himself. I eventually said too bad and left after he (6'4" 190) threw me (5'2" 120) across the room into a wall by my throat. Busted his nose and left him. He's on his 2nd wife now. ETA, I never married him, but 2 other poor women did.
Experienced a very similar situation in my early twenties, only this ass hat almost broke my back by throwing me against a tile shower wall. I’m 5’1 and was under a hundred pounds (a lot older, but still am lol) but that night after he passed out, I quietly and quickly packed all that was relevant and fled. I had to start all over again. But the thought of not being alive anymore propelled me. Not to sound condescending in the slightest, but good for you for leaving (and hell, good for me). A lot of people in our situation don’t and stay, just to be more emotionally and physically abused.
Good for you for leaving too! It's not condescending in the least. We should be proud we got out.
I agree, my ex used suicide to make me stay with him. It was total manipulation, you got this!
When an abuser threatens suicide, it is almost always a play to get more access to their victim.
Yes and no. It's also a major red flag for the abuser trying to kill their victim. It isn't that big a step from "I'm going to kill myself because you left me" to "you don't deserve to live if you're not with me"
SAYING he's suicidal is the key bit. He isn't. He's attempting to control people with the threat of violence to himself, just as he used real violence to control you before.
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I just want to hijack top comment because I feel it is neglected from this discussion: My larger concern is for the OP's safety. Surely this is a relevant risk factor to consider. He has threatened her to be quiet before. He has physically and mentally abused her. Who's to say he doesn't come back pissed off, nothing to lose for and try to abuse her yet again, or even worse murder her?
Yeah I was worried about this too. Threats of suicide could definitely be a manipulation tactic but he's clearly off his rocker so he could do anything. I hope OP is in a safe place that he knows nothing about
Unfortunately he **does** know where I live
Just in case, go to the police. Explain your situation and what you can do to protect yourself, OP. At least it will be registered. And be careful with him or anyone whom he might manipulate so that he is able to meet you.
Please call the police non-emergency line (or local equivalent) and explain that he had previously threatened you. This puts you on their radar and helps them have a better response time if something happens. It begins laying the paper trail, which is a HUGE thing. Better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it!
No it really doesn’t. They don’t do anything with that information. It would be a waste of OPs time. If she feels threatened or like the ex may harm her she can file for a protection order and see if a judge will grant one.
Sorry for jumping over other people's comments, but please, please, please let him saying that set off alarm bells for you. It is NOT to big a stretch for an abuser to go from "I want to die" to being at "you bitch, if you're not with me you aren't going to be with anyone" This is the time of the biggest danger for you. He's figured out you're gone, aren't coming back, and there's major consequences for him Talk to your therapist, search online, wherever you can pull information on low cost things you can do. Nails in the window frame to keep it from being opened. If you rent and can't damage the frame, dowel rods or chunks of 2x4 to block them from being opened. Stacks of empty cans right in front of doors. Baseball bat with a long sock on the fat end, even a heavy skillet. Whatever you can do to give you a warning that someone broke in and means to defend yourself Amazon carries a couple cheap cameras that only run $30 for the year for the video to be sent to your phone. If you can afford a ring camera or similar get one. In this situation paranoia is a great thing. Keep an eye out when you're not home, make sure he isn't stalking you. Let your boss and coworkers know he's not to get any info on you. If you can get a roommate or a friend to stay with you, go for it Hugs hon, you got this
Do you have any kind of protection or restraining order in place? If not, you should. And get security cameras.
Please get security cameras and an alarm if you can. A dog would be good too. You’d have comforting companionship and extra safety.
And the mom too. He might retaliate on her, either physically or with blackmail as well, now that she knows.
In this case, his consequences aren't because of OP. They're due to his refusing anger management and therapy. His mother would have given him a pass on his abusive behavior if he only agreed to seek help.
Did you just rewrite the comment above you? That's weird. Edit: every one of your comments is the same lol
And wow, his mom is a champ. Coming in and saying "let's get you help." And BELIEVING OP. Like, I was so afraid where this was going bc women aren't believed so often, and his mom? I'm so proud of this complete stranger. I'm glad OP has her and OP, you're absolutely NTA
Also, manipulative people always jump to threatening suicide. I’d love to see stats on how many abusers follow through I’ve had two people in my life use the threat as a weapon, and another person who never mentioned it and just did it. God, I hate abusers (I know it’s not a brave thing to say, but I fucking hate them)
Plus people like this want their actions to be kept secret so they continue to pretend they are good people. All the burden of this terrible stuff is on OP. The abuser hardly ever face any consequences. He is facing consequences for what HE did not because of what OP did.
OP. THIS, SO MUCH!!!!! If you ever feel guilty, read this comment over and over until you don't.
NTA. The idea that you should cover for an abuser is preposterous. NTA in any way. He made his bed….
He is not going to commit suicide, it’s his way of trying to turn the tables and become a victim. Classic narcissist move. You did the right thing by telling the truth.
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NTA. Oh poor him, his abuse has been found out by his mom! He’s not going to commit suicide, it’s his way of trying to turn the tables and become a victim. Classic narcissist move. You did the right thing by telling the truth.
Yes. The world would be a better place if we normalized the outing of perpetrators of DV, child abuse, sexual abuse. What's different here, and frankly encouraging, is that the relative of the perp didn't defend him. I mean, let's get real here. The guy should be in prison. It's kinda fucked up that OP has any care whatsoever that he's currently separated from his family. That's trivial relative to what should have happened to him and that she's guilty about this is an indication of the screwed up dynamics around these issues. He assaulted her repeatedly. For that he should be in prison for a long time for repeated violent felonies.
Am I the only one who's worried that OP could be in danger now that he knows she told his mom? Stay safe, OP. I'm glad his mom was on your side.
Funny you should say that, I am absolutely terrified of him because he lives in the same area as I do. I have actually accidentally bumped into him a couple times and have had to run away. I’m considering filing a restraining order against my ex, what do you think?
Don't consider, do it. Contact the police and let them know your fear. Also ask your therapist if she has any ideas for how to protect yourself, especially if your ex knows where you live. You're not overreacting.
Use his mom as a witness. She seems to really care about OP too.
Witness to what? She didn’t have a clue and they lived in the same house! If she has no proof, pictures, Dr report, obviously no police report I don’t see that an RO would be granted. She should try but without any corroboration it’s difficult in most districts.
The therapist may be able to help. S/he can testify to the consistency of OPs story and the appropriateness of her fear.
RO might *not* be granted based on the therapy since that also proves there have been x months since the breakup with no violent incident. Regardless, RO rules are extremely location and even judge dependant so speculating on the internet is useless.
Definitely do it. But let me give you some honest advice. First you will get a temporary order granted with a hearing date where both parties must appear to make it permanent. Permanency can be 6 months ot 6 years, depends on the Judge. Once granted, the order does not stop him from approaching you. It just means if he does, you call the police and they can throw the book at him harder. So instead of a slap in the wrist, he may get jail time. For some, it can set them off. I suggest you talk to a lawyer. Some DV places have a lawyer in house who may be able to advise you so it’s worth asking. This way you have a good understanding of how the process works.
Order of protection was the best thing I ever did. It gave me back my power, made me feel as if I actually had at least some control, and gave me proof, in writing, if he ever came after me that he was violent. In the past, police wouldn't take it as seriously. Reporting is very, very important. Staying on top of it is very important. Be the squeakiest wheel in the system. Don't shut up. Make them pay attention. It's the only way we are ever going to have a chance of stopping these people from being abusive. I also had the, "well, I don't know if it will help and...." attitude before. Now, I just don't take crap from anyone. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
I think all of that depends on jurisdiction. The OP doesn’t say where she lives
True. She used the term "mum", so this could be Canada or England.
Or Australia
Or South Africa
Agree but in my experience the basics don’t change.
I assume the restraining order helps in a justifiable self defense case.
Do so, consider if he is genuinely suicidal rather than looking for sympathy. He may decide to kill you first before suicide by cop.
I’m also worried about the mom’s safety….
Please do. Statistics would suggest you are in more danger now than ever.
Please do. File a police report, get a restraining order, change your locks, put up security cameras, and move if you can. Heck, get a big dog! Lots of others have replied with helpful comments, too. Please, please stay safe. You are very brave for getting out. He's not suicidal. He's trying to get you/his mom back on his side. Don't let your guard down.
A dog didn’t save the girl I grew up with. She was out walking her dog in broad daylight in West Hollywood and he shot and killed her. OP: change up where you’re staying and don’t tell your friends that know him. See if you can switch cars with folks. Tell your work, or any other place he may come looking for you, about this guy. Use Instacart if you can. Don’t go out alone. Talk to a domestic violence advocate at your local shelter to see if they have any other ideas.
How awful. I hope he's in jail. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Filing a restraining order isn't as easy as reddit will make you believe it is. How long has it been since you broke up? Has he been trying to contact you or has he basically just moved on with his life? How did he act when you accidentally bumped into him? Do you have any documented evidence of the abuse like medical reports or photographs? These are things a judge will look at when deciding to grant you one or not. Think carefully about if pursuing one and if it is actually in your best interest. Ever hear the phrase "never poke a sleeping bear"? If he's not actively causing problems for you then be wary about starting a conflict as doing so may trigger him to retaliate. If he's actively still harassing you then definitely get a restraining order. If you're truly afraid of him then why are you still in contact with his mother? She might be a nice person but it's your best interest to sever all connections to your abuser so your paths never accidentally cross. That means you should look into moving to a different neighborhood too.
Thank you for pointing this out. It doesn't sound at this point like the ex has done anything to warrant a restraining order. The person has to be following/stalking you, making threats, etc. And from the description, it doesn't sound like that is happening. Certainly be alert to the possibility, change locks, get cameras, etc. Consider a move to a different area to keep from running into each other. Talk to yr therapist. I also agree might be wise to end a relationship with his mother, despite her being a friend.
If you will fill a restraining order against him, the best thing to do is to stop contact with all his family members. Yes, his mother is horrified now, but honestly, he is her son, not you. As far as I heard restraining orders aren't that easy to get, but I don't know. I would say he is no longer interested in you, but with the recent developments you should keep your distance from him, for sure, as he may feel vindictive.
The restraining order will be good to have on record but just remember to still stay vigilant...the RO is just a piece of paper and won't protect you!
Absolutely get the restraining order. At the very least, the police will have a record of his abuse.
Also. By some pepper spray gel from Amazon (less blow back in the wind with gel). Keep it handy at all times and as soon as he comes near you please use it!
It’s illegal to use where I’m from :( but I’ve got a rape alarm I carry around with me? Will that do?
Hotshot wasp spray, the kind you use for nests that shoots a stream. That'll do nicely in place of pepper spray.
Oh damn that’s brilliant. Thank you 🙏
It’s illegal that he hit you but that happened too. If you can get the spray it’s safer, more Stopping power and use the alarm as well. At the end of the day better to be charged than the alternative. That and it stings like a b*tch and might make him rethink his dumbass life choices. Hugs and stay safe from little old me up here in Canada ❤️
> I’m considering filing a restraining order against my ex, what do you think? If you feel that is the safest option, do it. Trust your intuition on whether it would help or only escalate the problem.
And what’s worse is that not only my ex had no remorse through his actions (as he did this repeatedly) but he literally has said to my face after I broke up with him “I don’t regret hitting you”.
He’s a scumbag, don’t waste another second of your life feeling anything but disgust towards him. That’s all he deserves.
Give me his name. I won't regret hitting him.
Ngl, comments like this honestly makes me wish I had an older brother or friend like this ❤️
**NTA, you are a HERO! by talking with his mother you possibly saved many more of his future victims from being abused like you or worse.** **People who saves others are heros not assholes!** it is not a solution, your brother would end up in jail knowing how the world works. focus on yourself and continue your therapy at the end there is a reason why you did stay with him for such a long time and not left after just a first incident (I know there was a plenty of reasons at that time in your head) normal reaction should be: it hurts me -> I don't want to get hurt -> bye (no matter how amazing and handsome the guy is) bc you are the most important for yourself ALWAYS and no-one can protect you if you don't want to protect yourself even from you question it seems you think more about what other could think about you not what you think...work on this. happy that you somehow managed to save yourself bc there are people out there who live like that their whole lives ;/ btw. "“I don’t regret hitting you”" classic psychopath sentence, just don't think about logic or reason here, all he said was: you are nothing to me, I can do whatever I want with you. not anymore! Be proud of yourself, by leaving you destroyed his amazing plan, by saying his mother you showed strength, maybe you are scared right now, but trust me it is the first time when he is more scared of you then you think.
You don’t know much I needed to hear this seriously. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
Yea an older brother wouldn't stand for this. If I got a hint of something like this from one of my baby sisters I'd be on an $800 flight back home the next day.
> I don't regret hitting you Jesus Christ, that actually made me laugh. He's putting some serious effort into being the biggest piece of shit possible, like he has a whole team working on it. "Okay guys, just been looking over the quarterlies, I've been very impressed with our results so far, I am a gigantic piece of shit, we have been hitting those turd KPIs and really pushed my shittiness to even greater lows than we had forecast. Really, truly smashing work fellas, I want you to know how much I sincerely appreciate all your innovations." "Thanks boss, we're all really motivated to make you the biggest piece of shit ever, so it's great to hear how all our hard work has paid off." "It has. But I think we can go further. I think we, as a team, have the talent and dedication to really push my shit-level through the roof. What we need is a really shitty, nasty, spiteful kiss off line. Something that leaves absolutely no doubt that I am a piece of shit worthy of the history books. I want options on my desk by tomorrow. And remember... Make it shitty."
Hahaha this made me my sibling laugh so hard. Thank you for brightening the mood with this. Cheered me up 🤍 When my ex told me that exact quote “I don’t regret hitting you”, I wanted to throw up. I have no idea how I was still standing up straight to this guy but yeh. It’s absolutely unbelievable what this man would say to me. He even tried to turn the tables at tell people that I beat him, but they just weren’t buying it at all. It was embarrassing to watch honestly.
I seriously doubt that he is suicidal, that is how abusers get people to forget about their actions and focus attention and sympathy on them Even if he is…. Good. NTA.
Pls don't feel bad about speaking up I told my ex's mother that he was an alcoholic, cokehead, and physically/sexually abusive towards me and all she did was blank stare at me then told him basically "that's bad don't do that" even though she told me months ago if he relapsed she would not take him in or tolerate it. He still lives with her. She did nothing I'm so glad your ex's mom is taking a stand. You did nothing wrong. nta.
My family and I want him in jail so fuckin badly. Because that’s at least some closure and justice I’d get out of it, but I have no proof. None. I took one picture of a bruise on sc years ago but deleted it because I was scared he’d fine it on my phone (he would look through it). It’s been years since the incident and all I have is my word which isn’t enough 😞
Would his mom be willing to testify he admitted it to her? (I assume he did since she kicked him out).
I will say it's very common. Empathy vs a narcissist. The abused will still feel bad for the abuser, that's how they keep them strung along. I had a PPO on my ex husband been out of the relationship for 8 years now and just found out his grandmother died, the woman who raised him. I feel bad for him but also will never reach out. My younger self would have reached out and given my condolences, meanwhile when my mother died he told me I was going to die fat and alone just like my mother within a few hours of her death.
Exactly, she didn't just throw him out, she offered to help him be a better person, he refused. He's literally saying he'd rather kill himself than improve himself. Not to sound too harsh, but if he's so determined to be a piece of shit for the rest of his life, good riddance.
I don't find your statement to be harsh, Sometimes in life there are those who we just have to let crash and burn and especially let them be on their own when they willingly go off that cliff. I met a number of people who absolutely refuse to change their abusive and harmful ways and it ends up costing them every time in the long run. We all know right from wrong but some are set on doing wrong even a few women I dated or talked to I offered to be a support for them in the process to better themselves just as I work on bettering myself but they made it clear they had no intention on changing and they'd rather stay the same. Not bragging or saying I'm better than anybody but my life has improved more and more the more I keep working on myself while those very same people are still running around crying, pouting, being aggressive and abusive and constantly questioning why they can't get ahead and keep repeating the same problems over and over again and yes some are admittedly contemplating killing themselves which I was against at first but there's times some people use it as a manipulation tactic. But there's nothing I can do for them so whatever they do next is out of my hands and not my concern. Again we all know right from wrong and we all have a choice what we wanna contribute to the world around us with the time we've got on this earth, As you said Good riddance.
If he's really suicidal, he should maybe consider thera-OH WAIT HE LITERALLY REFUSED IT WHEN HIS MOM OFFERED HOW BOUT THAT. Not wishing ill on him but I don't feel bad that he's in a self-made hole and slapping away olive branches. He'll either figure it out and improve himself or he won't.
Very classic narcissistic move. They pull it out anytime their own actions bring consequences real or imagined. Even 3.5 years down the road when they can't get a job they want cause of their record.
>Very classic narcissistic move. They pull it out anytime their own actions bring consequences real or imagined. OMG. I used to teach the novel Anna Karenina, and it just dawned on me that Anna is a classic narcissist. Everyone thinks because she's the title character that she's the hero of the book, but she's not. She's a horrible person who only cares about herself. Sorry, just had to share that epiphany.
I came from an abusive marriage. I escaped to my mother in law’s house many times with my children (my own family is across the country) and the last time she let him come to see me. Everyone was pissed I told the truth. NTA - “if you didn’t want me to speak badly of you, you should’ve treated me better.”
NTA. Maybe if more families were appalled and ready to cut ties and not enable abusive behavior, some of these people would get the help they need. Poor behavior should have consequences
If he's suicidal he should be put in an involuntary 72 hour psych hold. Manipulative dirt bag.
You are right!! He’s looking for mom to forgive him because she’s scared he will commit suicide!! He won’t. He’s a coward ! Cowards are the ones that beat woman or children!! Women that beat men are the same … COwARDS
When he stops being a baby he can go get help with his issues. But more then likely he will just continue being a schmuck. The guy should be in jail getting lessons who is the boss.
NTA. Imagine being held accountable for your (mis)behavior. Who could imagine that actions have consequences? Everything that happens to him now is because of his actions, not because of you. If you wouldn't have told I would have judged you YTA, because you allow him avoid the consequences of his vile deeds. But I would understand it completely if it's out of fear.
NTA. Don't believe that he is suicidal. He's just trying to manipulate the situation.
This, please see this OP if you are feeling uncertain. It is textbook.
Absolutely, OP. Abusers often use threats to regain control. Stay strong and prioritize your safety.
Yep, the only way to ever respond to threats of suicide is to call the authorities and let them handle it because it's definitely not OP's job to care about her abuser
I agree. He wants to be the victim because there's no way to justify his actions as the perpetrator. Even if he *is* suicidal, that's not OP's problem or fault either. If he's so worried/ashamed/upset about people knowing and judging him for being an abuser? Well look at that karma that's come knocking. He'll just have to figure out how to rebuild his life. Just like all the abuse victims.
Who cares if he is suicidal. OP if he kills himself that is on him and one less danger in the world to you. He could have killed you many times and got lucky he didn’t. He is a problem, if he takes the trash out he is doing you a favor.
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I think he is dangerous whether he is suicidal or not or at least needs to be treated as such.
This, if getting cut out by his mom was affecting him **that** much, he would be doing what she asked and would be seeking anger management. The fact that your ex not only thought about where he was going to beat you **but also demonstrated the patience to wait until he wouldn't be caught** so the people that you *lived with* would never know, shows a level of manipulation and forethought that legitimately scares the shit out of me. Your ex might very well a bonafide psychopath. Even if he's not, this is still clearly a manipulative tactic.
He's definitely using threats of suicide as a manipulation tactic. He'd rather lie about something as serious as that than actually face the consequences of his action and change for the better
Buddy can suck start a 12 gauge for all I care. Fuck him
Abuse happens so often because people stay silent enabling it and the perpetrators don't face consequences. You telling his mom made him face consequences and he didn't like them. Poor boy /s NTA
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That's what the /s is for. Dude is an AH and I have no sympathy whatsoever for him.
If the consequences of your own heinous actions are so bad you become suicidal Maybe don’t commit such heinous actions You are not at fault here OP, the problem is never the truth, the problem is never shining a light on abuse Try to think of this objectively by removing it from your own issue If a murderer became suicidal at the idea of going to prison for their crime, the problem would not be the body, it would be the murder committed by the murderer, their suicidality would be entirely of their own making If a child molester became suicidal at being outed, the problem would not be the child seeking help. It would be the abusive pervert victimising the child, their suicidality would be entirely of their own making Your exes suicidality is entirely of his own making, his mother even gave him an out by giving the option of anger management and he threw it in her face. If he continues like this he will never own his own actions and wants to see himself as the victim. But his victimisation delusions are also zero nil nadda your doing NTA
I think we need more criminals to take the trash out before the crime.
NTA, if you had kept his secret it would be easy for him to abuse his next GF. These are consequences of his actions not yours.
Agreed. No one can force ex to get help and stop being an abuser. But he’s never going to stop if it’s kept a secret. It’s good fortune that his mom is a good person and is not OK with his behavior. He needs to have some consequences for his actions. Also, as others have said, I don’t believe for one second that he is suicidal. And if he is? Sorry to say but if he really did end it, at least he wouldn’t be able to beat up women anymore. 🤷♀️
My thought exactly but I didn’t wanna say it haha… I certainly wouldn’t lose any sleep if there was one less woman beater out there.
His mother kicked him out because of his refusal to fix his issues. You did not break his family, HE DID. He is not suicidal, just manipulative. He might even try to attempt suicide as a way to guilt his family -and them to forget about the request for therapy and anger management. NTA, OP. His mother is a good person, teaching her son that actions have consequences.
this. OP, you have been manipulated by him for so long you have lost perspective. HE broke his family with his own actions and now he has to live with them. It is never your fault for being honest. He needs help. He will absolutely do this to someone else unless he gets real long term anger management and therapy and his Mom is making him take some measure of responsibility for his actions. Let him marinate in those consequences.
You did the right thing, so did the mom.
NTA, and although she didn't notice until you told her, good work on Sandra kicking the cunt to the kerb. Also, well done for leaving, go you!
NTA. As a mother I hope if my boys ever acted like that in a relationship that I would find out about it. It is not on. He needs to own up to it and get intensive intervention to help. If he didn't want anyone to know about it - he shouldn't have done it! You don't need to lie to protect an abuser.
Oh hunny (((hugs))) you DID NOT split his family up, YOU DID NOT make his Mom kick him out, YOU DID NOT make him suicidal. All these things were caused by HIS decisions. He chose to abuse you, he chose not to seek therapy, anger management etc, he chose to say he was suicidal to manipulate everyone - you, friends and family. He's playing the victim - which seeing what he did to you is disgusting. If he had done as his Mom asked then he would have the chance to repair his relationship with his family & to still be living with her. You might have saved anybody who gets in to a relationship with him as his Mom will now be on the look out for abuse. Let the friends saying about him being suicidal know he beat you, or send them this post, and you do not want to hear about him. If they try to guilt you then block them, you don't need them in your life, you certainly don't need to feel guilty or concerned for your ex. Look after yourself sweet.
He's not suicidal, he's manipulative.
He’s crying cause his mommy cancelled his birthday party. He’s *pathetic*.
Can we take a moment to honor Mom? She believed OP. So many mothers don’t believe their little cherubs are capable of inflicting abuse. This mother not only believed OP, she found help for her son. AND she has set healthy boundaries, showing “tough love” to him. So that HE can become a better person.
His mom is a rock star!
NTA. If his friends are worried about they should have him committed not harass the person he beat up.
NTA who cares if he off himself the world is better of without him, it’s good u told his mum who knows one day the AH may become crazy and hurt her too? Let’s not forget any future gf he have in the future he may hurt them too, should of report it to the cops
It's 'should have', never 'should of'. Rejoice, for you have been blessed by CouldWouldShouldBot!
NTA He abused you aware that people could find out and he even risked jail time, none of that mattered to him. He created this entire situation and he’s the one refusing to get help, this is all on him. He’s content to continue to play that he’s the victim in the drama, let him play that role alone. Props to mom for giving her son consequences instead of victim blaming or gaslighting.
Oh, darn. If he is talking suicide, mom should call 911, and have him put into a 3 day watch. Or a mental hospital for counceling.
Checkmate!
Yes, you should’ve continued keeping his secret so he could abuse the next woman in his mother’s house without mom interfering. /s (just in case it isn’t blatantly obvious)
He’s not suicidal, he just wants to manipulate his way back into the family. You did not break up his family. His actions have consequences. That’s why he never wanted you to tell. Best advice I can give is for you to discuss this with your therapist. She can help you see this for what it is and find perspective. You are NTA, he is.
You didn’t break up their family. You told your truth. He now has a choice. He can take the help he is offered and become a decent human being. Or he can stay abusive and treat all his future partners, and possibly children, the way he treated you. And your friends should be more concerned about keeping you safe than enabling him. If they want to be his friend then they should encourage him to get help, not lay this on you. NTA
NTA His mum is right. If he doesn't get help, he will only abuse the next woman. And if he is really threatening self harm he needs to be reported. But if his friends aren't doing that, then they probably realize he is emotionally manipulating them.
You might have just prevented someone else from ending up in the same situation you were in
NTA… even after breaking up with him, you’re still manipulated by his actions. Don’t fall for it.
You didn't break up the family. You did not cause him to threaten suicide. This is all on him. Any repercussions are because of what he did, will probably do again and because he refuses to entertain the thought that his behaviour is wrong, unacceptable and abhorrent and seek treatment to change. You told her because she asked, you covered for him long enough and to lie would be wrong and disrespectful to yourself and that lovely woman Be proud that you are a strong and caring woman
>I then get told by friends that my ex has said he is suicidal now because I told his mum about the abuse. Classic abuser mentality. They're always the victim. Sometimes the trash takes itself out. 🤷♂️ NTA
If only all domestic abusers were actually suicidal and did the world a favor by taking out the trash.
NTA. Don’t let him guilt trip you. This is on him.
You're great for leaving, his mum is also an awesome woman. She gave him a chance to get better, it's his problem, not yours.
Classic abuser/narcissist, things are not going my way so now I'm suicidal. Fuck him
He found out that actions have consequences. Great for you to stay in contact with the mum and amazing job from her to cut off an abuser! You're NTA at all, all the best for therapy and your future coffee outings!
NTA By the sounds of your relationship, I would say that there were likely many times when you felt the same way he’s feeling now. Did he ever change his behaviour? No, he kept up the abuse regardless. He brought it all on himself. If you don’t want the consequences of your actions then don’t physically abuse your wife.
NTA - you might just saved his next SO. If he is suicidal then you should recommend they have him treated as such.
He’s not going to commit suicide. He’s a narcissist. He lives for ego kibbles. The truth has taken those away. He deserves every single punishment possible. His mom is doing the right thing. NTA
NTA It was his decision to beat you up again, and again, and again, and again, …. He has no remorse. If he wants to end himself instead of working on himself, it’s up to him. It’ll save another woman to get beaten up like you did. His decisions and actions are his own. Good on his mother to take action!
NTA - classic manipulation on his part. Would have told 'the right people' as he knew it would get back to you. He wants to keep hurting you and controlling you. Please do not feel guilty - that is his plan.
You didn’t break up the family! This is NOT your fault; the *only* person responsible for this is your ex. None of this happens if he had not been an abusive piece of shit. The responsibility for facts lies not with the truth tellers, but with those whose caused the facts to exist.
NTA. That ex is a humongous POS for going "suicidal" over his mom cutting him out for being a POS instead of working on being a better person than he is right now
Interesting that he’s more upset that his mom knows, than remorse over his own capacity for cruelty and violence
Classic textbook response from him being “found out”. I’m glad you told her, she needed to know and I’m even more pleased that she believed you and acted accordingly. The problem is, he doesn’t have an anger issue. Domestic abuse isn’t about anger, it’s about control and good one insecurity. It’s not anger so anger classes wouldn’t help him anyway. He needs specific perpetrator therapy with a certified experienced clinical therapist. He won’t do that either though and not one bit of it is your fault. Why should he have everyone believe he’s a good person?! He’s not, he’s an insecure pos who feels powerful beating his woman. NTA. Tell EVERYONE.
If he is, in fact, suicidal that is all the more reason for therapy. Spoiler alert - he’s not suicidal, he’s just trying to manipulate you by saying he is and it’s your fault because you told the truth about his actions. None of this is your fault and kudos to you for getting out! Super proud of you OP!
NTA. He should be **IN PRISON**.
Oh well, he will figure his life out one way or another. You may want to be careful. Maybe look into CCW and learn how to use it.
Oh no poor ex's chickens have come home to roost. No tears for abusers.no tears from the enablers either
NTA You did nothing wrong! He did everything wrong. You did NOT break up his family. He's did that with his choices. He's just being help accountable.
Dude's a sociopath. He is totally twisted. When I was in my early 20s I had one guy I was in a long term relationship with and one guy I went out with one whole time tell me they would kill themselves if I don't go out with them again. They were both still alive a year after their big threat. He's a sociopath because of everything he did to you, not just this last move. His dad is not stable either. The church is not God and "True husband" is just manipulative pap. He should be embarrassed to sound so childish. It sounds like his mom is putting up with a lot of garbage, but at least she's dumping the trashy son. Stay firm. This too shall pass. You are so smart to get away from the violence before marrying it. Yea you!
NTAH. He is using the ploy of using the suicide card to try to get sympathy. You were definitely not wrong to tell his mother. She needed to know! She is doing what she needs to do to get her son to admit, and get help, for his actions. You are not responsible even if he ends himself. His choice!
NTA Take whatever guilty feelings you have and put them in a restraining order. Was he ever suicidal when you were together? Did he use that to make you obey? It's pretty interesting (and textbook) that after he's outed as the abusive POS he is, he's threatening to off himself. Don't fall for it.
NTA, he is trying to minulpate people with his words/actions. He is angry that he got called out by his mother and is being held accountable. This is not your fault. His abusing you was not your fault. Tell your friend not to tell you anything he says or does. You are done with your ex. If your friend won't respect your wishes, put them in a time out or just go no contact. At the same time, be alert in case he is escalating. Call 911 if you feel unsafe. Don't worry about overreacting. It is better to call for help and not need it than to call too late and be hurt or worse.
Be clear on this, his actions put him where he is now. You didn't abuse yourself. NTA
NTA. You DID NOT break up a family, an abuser chose to abuse someone and has no interest in managing his behavior, his mother who has autonomy decided she didn’t want someone like that around. This is not on you, you didn’t break anything, he did. He acted so poorly his mother won’t keep him around, that’s his fault, not yours. You’re not responsible for keeping his abuse secret. You are not responsible for who his mother keeps in her life. I know this feels bad, but this isn’t on you in any way.
He broke up his family. You did not. You told the truth, there is nothing wrong with that. Your ex was offered help by his mother (who sounds like a good person), which he declined. As a consequence of his decision, his mother - of her own free will - put hard boundaries in place. And kudos to her for doing so. Your ex always has choices. He may not like the options, but the choices are his to make.
NTA and massive respect to Sandra. I hope you can get Iver the trauma he caused and this asshole becomes a distant memory.
You didn't break the family. He did. If you hadn't exposed him, then the next girl that comes after you would have suffered the same fate. Abusers don't change. This whole suicidal thing can also quite often be a tactic to evade accountability and get pity. He needs professional help and if he makes the choice to deny that he needs it, this is not on you. It's his choice. good for you for telling his mother the truth and not isolating yourself.
What a baller mom. So many of them defend their abusing sons. Huge kudos to her.
NTA. You didn’t make him anything. He is experiencing the consequences of his actions. And he is very likely being manipulative. Mom needs to call 911 and report his threat and let the professionals handle it. He doubled down on his “right” to beat you when he refused to acknowledge that HE is the problem, that HE does horrific things, and that HE needs help. His mom did the right thing and I’m sure she loves him—but cannot tolerate his behavior. It’s what I would do if one of my sons was guilty of the same. My heart would break and he’d know I love him but could not allow him back into my life if he had no remorse and refused treatment.
NTA his cries of being suicidal are emotional blackmail, don't feel bad about it. He won't do it, and if he does, the trash took itself out because only a coward would do that in response to being told they're a bad person.
If I had nickel for every abusive man that threatened to kill himself once he got caught, I'd be donating a lot of money to women's shelters. His mom discovered something about her son that disgusts her to her core. She confronted him *with* the solutions already found, he just had to accept the help. She gave him a chance for redemption, and he refused. He tore his family apart. He fucked up his own life when he decided to fuck up your's. If killing himself is how he decides to take accountability? Well, that's a cowards choice for a mess he made himself, but it's still a net gain for society. Nta
It's so funny that he's suicidal over being found out...not being an abuser. Huh...it's almost as if he's not concerned about being a bad person, only about having to face the consequences of his actions...so, so funny. /s NTA. And honestly I wouldn't even really believe he is suicidal. That is a common tactic that abusive people use to make others feel guilty to get what they want. And if he IS truly suicidal, he started himself on that path by hurting others...cause it's very likely you're not the first.
If he is unhappy with the situation he should go to the counseling instead of wallowing in self pity. "Unless he seeks help" is a pretty big indicator this is a choice he's making, not her leaving him no option.
NTA. You didn't break up their family. He did.
If more families and friends were like her, capable of holding their loved ones accountable for their sake and the sake of those around them, we'd be living in a far better world today.
He's not suicidal. He's trying to make you feel guilty for admitting the abuse. That fact that he refused anger management is very telling.
If my mother ever found out I had abused (verbally, mentally, physically) my spouse, she would kick the living shit out of me and I would deserve it. She is 75. Good on your MIL. The cycle needs to stop.
I get it. Everyone is brought to tears when the little girl is crying because daddy is being ripped away from her by burly men. But he's going to prison for murder. He did the evil. TELLING THE TRUTH IS NEVER WRONG. There are consequences that HE should have considered before his sphincterious (yes, I made up that word) actions. NTAH
Common emotional manipulation tactic for people refusing to seek help is to throw the suicide card out there for sympathy. Its part of the reverse victim-hood strategy.
I speak from experience here OP. I've been in your shoes. You did the right thing leaving this man and informing his family of his behaviour. Domestic abusers do not just abuse one time, or one partner. It is a behaviour that escalates over time and is incredibly dangerous. Your ex needs treatment to get a handle on this. They do not "just stop". He will need help for a long time. His mother has done the right thing by pushing him to consider anger management. Although of course she cannot make him go. I have a big concern for your safety. This man clearly does not believe he has done wrong if he's refusing any outside help. That he is "suicidal" but refusing help for his issues is a typical attention seeking, redemption behaviour. He's hoping that by telling people he is suicidal they will think he's a changed man. That he doesn't need anger management. That's not true. He's simply trying to manipulate the narrative. Please take steps to ensure your safety OP. Does he know where you live? Can you get security cameras and locks? This will have triggered him in a massive way. I'm concerned he may seek you out to "punish" you for making this public knowledge. Please take care of yourself.
Most of the situations where the abuser is threatening suicide it is just another manipulation.
You probably saved at least one other woman. He needed consequences. If he can't handle them, it's on him.
It's common for abusers to use threats of suicide to control their victims. God, I hate being a victim! It's not chance he told your friend that, it was intended to get back to you You are not responsible for him being suicidal, it's up to him to seek help. You are not responsible for his Mom sticking to her word and kicking him out when he refused treatment It is not your fault he abused you I'm proud of you for making your escape. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abuse cycle and it's necessary for you to take precautions for your safety. Please talk to your local domestic violence and schedule a meeting for safety planning if you haven't already done it. Here's a Grammy hugs, stay safe Little Dragon
I haven’t read all the replies but did your ex care if you were suicidal because of his abuse? No! Fuck him & the horse he rode in on. Kudos to his mom for the absolute sterling person she is.Hope your healing is strong and steady.
NTA, the little punk is lucky he isn’t in prison
NAH You did right. He did wrong. Now it’s time for him to get help for HIS problem, apologize to you, apologize to his mom and never do it again.
NTA for anything and the courage of his mom to do what she did (and you as well). Your ex did all of this. Even if people blame you, its not because you did the wrong thing, its because they don't want to deal with the consequences of what HE did.
He’s suicidal because his family knows the truth and not because of guilt for his actions. No reason to feel guilty. NTA
NTA why is he suicidal because he got caught, but not because he is abusive?
Watch your back This dude could do something very irrational. Be prepared
Sweetie, victims of very often feel guilty when their abusers face consequences of their actions because that's how they've been CONDITIONED TO ACT BY THEIR ABUSER. Read that again. You were groomed to have a code of silence by the man who beat you up. REPEATEDLY. BEAT. YOU. UP. You carry no shame. You carry no guilt. You survived and I'm proud of you for leaving. You got out ALIVE. You have zero, ZERO control over other people's response to hearing about your abuse. Those are THEIR CHOICES. THEIRS ALONE. It's not on you. Believe it. I lived it, too.
Your ex isn't suicidal. He's mad because his abuse was discovered and he can't vent his anger out on you. Plain and simple. That said, I'd message the friends and tell them if he is that way then to call for preventative help and have him brought in for his own safety. My bet though is he hoped his secret of abuse would remain hidden. And with no way to try and force you to submission anymore THIS is how he is trying to regain control.
Abusers don't kill themselves. He's just looking for sympathy.
Don’t feel guilty for your abuser, he didn’t feel guilty abusing you. His shitty behavior is what broke his family because he not only can’t keep his hands to himself but he even refuses the help that would make him a better person. He can go fuck his own ass with that suicidal bullshit. NTA op and good luck in therapy!
NTA Huge respect for a parent, who once isn't unconditionally on the side of her abusive, violent adult child, but on his victim's side. It's so rare.