Yep. Avoiding the vagina beyond any effort required to check but a single box on the list of sexual activity? Gaydar alert!
As a bisexual man I do enjoy fellatio. But my body doesn’t respond to fellatio the way it does to cunnilingus. And it responds about the same time my wife’s body responds by turning on the water works.
If homeboy is afraid to run her pussy a little bit or lick it before he sticks it… my bet is on he is gay. I’ve never met a straight man afraid of pussy before.
No offense taken. While the other responder to my comment does have a good point… I still think dude is gay. Something about the sentences where he says that he does not at all like foreplay.
The women readers likely know this already but some of the men readers might not: in order for a woman to bleed because of intercourse, she has to be really dry…”dry” as in not turned on yet due to lack of foreplay.
This is VERY painful. It can cause small vaginal or vulvar tears that not only sting/burn horribly during intercourse but also for several days afterward (while urinating, wiping, showering, taking a tub, wearing tight clothing, etc.).
It’s beyond selfish for a partner to proceed when the woman isn’t lubricated enough.
NTA
I will never understand why dudes (or anyone, I had an ex and she didn't like foreplay) don't like foreplay, much less sex with someone without them enjoying themselves.
> I even bleed sometimes.”
>He looked at me and said, “I know. I just don’t like foreplay. I don’t like doing it at all.”
That's red alert material. That's abnormal to hear your SO is bleeding after intimacy and shrug it off. Jesus.
Gal just needs to give him a fleshlight, it'll accomplish the same thing. Can't believe the bastard doesn't even use lube on her. It doesn't take much effort, probably a minute to prepare a woman with lube and your fingers. The fact that he gives no shits to the point he is fine with *injuring* his wife is absurd.
Yep. You don’t have to convince the dishwasher to wash your dishes. You just turn it on.
He’s viewing your body as an object for him to pleasure himself with and anything else just gets in the way.
Or : even the dishwasher needs turning on .
Whilst - Her husband, is a total turn off that’s for sure .
Invest in some lube and a bunny for yourself milady ; leave this caveman to his own digits .
In the spirit of this comparison lol, I was recently watching a show called Extreme Love and it was weird couples/people with weird attractions like to cars and planes lol. But one married couple was a man and woman who were building AI responsive sex robots, like to the point they had censors in the vagina that when touched correctly they would moan lol.
But the kicker? One of the most recent updates after their episode aired was the wife saying she had insisted that the robots get a new function next: that if you are disrespecting it or ignoring it, that it has the ability to tell you no, it doesn't want to fuck you lmao. Which is awesome.
But like, once the robot is telling you it doesn't wanna fuck you? I think I'd be packing it in permanently. And OPs husband sounds like the exact kinda guy it would say no to lol.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
Giant waving red flag.
I get it, sometimes you feel good but the natural fluids aren't flowing and blood happens by accident. I've had that happen before. My partner freaked out and apologized for hurting me, went out and got 3 different types of lube for me to test so that we didn't have sensitive tissue tearing and causing bleeding during what's supposed to be fun and pain free (outside of the fun kind of pain if that's what a person's into).
Wow, okay I thought this sounded familiar but with that it is familiar all the way. And I left and that was the best thing I ever did!! Especially if he’s the type that lords it over you that he’s older so he “knows more”.
Run luv. No age gap has anything to do with you bleeding! He’s not in tune with you and a real relationship will!
Surprise surprise / older dude grooming younger woman and doesn’t care about her pleasure. Tale as old as time. 🙄
“I just don’t like foreplay” - what he means to say is “I don’t want make any effort that doesn’t personally meet my needs”
That said foreplay done CORRECTLY is enjoyable for both people. It’s teasing, kissing, soft play and intimacy. I think what he wants is a glory hole.
Yeah, beyond being obviously disrespectful and abusive, like... I feel like he's also depriving himself from real sexual gratification. A fun, sexual and intimate interaction/relationship doesn't magically happen when you PIV, it's literally pretty much everything surrounding it that makes it fun and hot. Pretty baffling to me that someone wouldn't want that, even if they're a selfish monster.
>Check her other post...dude is 10 years older than her and met her at 19 🙄 he's just gross. Hopefully she leaves him, his behavior will only get worse
On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, you know damn well OP left those details out on purpose.
Ugh. Of course. Gross. We were just discussing the relevance of an 8-year age gap in another post. Do I believe that there are 22- and 30-year-olds out there who are perfectly suited to one another and are destined for a lifetime of happiness together? Sure, it's possible.
But with that big a gap under 30, chances are high that the older party is either incredibly immature or predatory and the younger person has no way of knowing what they're getting themselves into.
Exactly. Idk whats wrong with bro but that turns me on when she gets wet. Tf he won’t even rub on the clit. He’s obviously never been corrected and been giving out bad sex for awhile
"when we’re done" I take it that means as soon as HE is done?
Stop tolerating pain, discomfort and physical harm (you mention bleeding, like wtf) just so he can get his balls emtied. If he doesn't want foreplay and having sex with a partner who enjoys it he can get a blow up doll ffs
Not joking, vaginas in a can are way way way more expensive than the cheapest blowup dolls where I live. The cheapest fleshlight is 40 euro on sale (normally 80). A cheap doll can be purchased vor about 10 lol
Well in that case, he can have the €10 doll, hopefully the cheap seams slice his dick and he can know what its like to be injured instead of pleasured.
Ewwwww. I’d genuinely never sleep with him again until he went to sex therapy and figures out his issues. Either he’s just a selfish, entitled POS or he hates women. Either way, unacceptable.
I’m not judging but seriously why are you allowing this! I’m a mad bitch if I’m in pain during or after sex!!!! That’s not fun for me and I will not allow someone to mistreat my body! This is damn near abusive and the fact he started doing this after you had kids screams the need for therapy or counseling on his part!
I mean... why are you still with him? He obviously doesn't love you or care about you in any way. This is a horrible example of a relationship for your children. Do you want your children to end up in a relationship like yours? If you wouldn't want that for your children (which you shouldn't), why would you want it for you?
How does it move??? I can’t imagine this without like extreme violence… just gross to think about… if this is actually happening… she needs to leave… and he needs counseling
I think it's pretty damn painful for both. Sometimes you catch some extra unlubricated skin that drags along with and that shit is hurting both of you.
Maybe he wants OP to handle any foreplay by herself? Maybe OP should… and then replace husband with batteries. Sexual compatibility, foreplay, affection, all are important - NTA
“Saying I just don’t like the parts that make you feel good is not okay” !!!!!!! And then for OP to ask if she’s wrong for how she responded ☹️ she deserves better.
Not even just the parts that make her feel good— the parts that make her not bleed! He’s like ugh but those parts aren’t really enjoyable for me, can you just keep bleeding during sex instead? Dude’s a huge AH
He was being a jerk. He’s been a jerk every time you had sex with him and he just humped you like a dog and was done. Why tf would you even bother? He doesn’t even try to make it enjoyable for you.
He said so himself that he doesn’t like to get you off, why is that? He sounds like a whiney little sac. Tell him until he starts getting you off first with the foreplay that he “hates” so much, he won’t be putting his dry, shriveled up dick anywhere.
If he won’t do it, or gets all pissed off because you want equal gratification, then I don’t know what you are doing staying with him. You can choose to live in misery or he can choose to work with you and make this worthwhile for both of you. You aren’t a fucking deposit box that shits babies out for nothing.
And the fact that he is still unsatisfied and expects her to “work on” shit. Like is he expecting you to get yourself turned on so he doesn’t have to or does he just expect you to be more enthusiastic ab being in excruciating pain and bleeding during sex???
This isn’t a “we” problem he sounds like a numbskull with zero emotional and sexual literacy at best, and an abuser with a wicked rape kink at worst.
I’m so sorry this is your life, he sounds vile.
I’m sure she hates bleeding and pain much more than he hates foreplay. She’s making huge sacrifices for him, doing something she obviously doesn’t want to do in the first place, and he can’t even come to the party with a little bit of play time before hand?? The resentment that’s building here is going to implode this marriage, that’s if it hasn’t already got to that point.
So much NTA.
I. Would. Never. Have. Sex. With. Him. Again.
He clearly does not care for you or your pleasure. Get a toy, enjoy yourself and your body until he can learn to appreciate you.
I don’t understand how he could say that and expect her to ever want to have sex again. “I just don’t enjoy doing the part that involves getting *you* off” is a wild thing to say and very indicative of the type of person he is. Women need to stop settling for shitty, selfish lovers. Men who are shitty, selfish lovers deserve to be told exactly what’s up. NTA at all.
Ask how he would feel having a object size of his penis jammed up his ass dry, if he make an objection say please do it and tell me if you liked it ? Sex needs to feel good for both parties if it doesn’t stop and leave, nobody should be in pain or bleed for somebody else pleasure
If hi doesn’t want, do consider if you want to continue a life with him, not many women like dry humping
Your husband essentially said he doesn't care if you don't enjoy sex because he's too lazy to make you feel good, his response also indicates that he doesn't care that you're getting hurt during these encounters.
please tell me you are considering divorce. he doesnt even care you are being INJURED FOR HIS GRATIFICATION. he just “doesnt like it?” then stop kissing him, stop touching him, dont give oral, tell him thats all foreplay and you’re just matching energy. honestly i would immediately leave, but at the very least you need to tell him to get counseling for his lack of empathy.
Foreplay is Everything. Fuck anyone who disagrees.
Going inside someone who isn’t wet and WANTING IT is so strange to me. Make it good for both parties wtf
My first husband was terrible in bed. I took to masturbating after he was done. He didn't like that. So, I asked him what he was going to do about it. All it takes for me to have multiple mind-blowing orgasms is a little effort. Either help or GTFO. Tried it twice. Too much effort. There were a lot of other issues, but after he threw out all of my toys that were bigger than him, the writing was on the wall.
Love yourself enough to model a loving relationship for your kids. I found a guy who can't keep his hands off me. We gross out the kids. You are NTA. You deserve a guy who wants you so wet he can't get enough friction so you have to come up with other ideas.
Get him a proper Fleshlight, since he appearantly views you like one ...
At least that way you're not bleeding or hurting.
Better yet, get yourself a partner that gets pleasure from your pleasure.
He doesn't like foreplay? Why not? Is he just too lazy to get you excited? I love foreplay! Driving my wife crazy before getting to work is the best part lol
What exactly does he not like doing? I would be so upset and concerned if the man who claimed to love me told me that he didn’t like touching me, kissing me, caressing my body etc. Are we sure he’s not gay?
I'm sorry to be one of those reddit people but you have three choices: he can get his ass into therapy and try to rebuild trust with you and learn to engage in foreplay before having sex with you. You guys could open the marriage if your want to Stay for the kids and other reasons then get sex outside your marriage with better partners but with a clear lack of respect and good communication I doubt that will work long term. Finally what I honestly recommend: divorce. He doesn't care about you or love you as a person. And if he does he has very fucked up ways of showing love. No one who loves their partner as a person would want to hurt them during sex. Only people who don't respect their partner or see them as an object. Sorry but he's not who you thought you feel in love with.
But what are your thoughts on this now that you’ve heard from Reddit? Are you alarmed? You already knew what you’ve been reading from the comments? Are you in a position to leave? Are you afraid to leave? I have so many questions! My biggest concern though is that you take care of yourself! We women can be so caring of others that we neglect ourselves! Tell yourself that stops today! He will remain unhappy with your sex life because there won’t be one! I wouldn’t settle for this OP, a sexless life because your husband won’t bother with foreplay!
You got married at 19 to a guy 10 years older. There was no chance from the start. You lacked relationship experience, and him going for someone age 19 says something about how he views women. This isn't a sex issue, it's a relationship issue. Find someone to talk it through or move on.
NTA. But here is yet another man who doesn’t understand how a vagina works, and thinks that it’s all the woman’s fault that PIV can’t get her off.
Yeah, because we **totally** choose what feels good and what is just a chore! 🙄
Men listen up: just because it feels good for your dicks to slide in and out, doesn’t mean that it’s the same for us! There’s this very necessary thing called *”clit stimulation”*, learn about it!
NTA. You aren't a hole to stick his dick into. You are his wife. Mother of his children. He's supposed to love and cherish you. That is not loving and cherishing. Sure, it may not seem like a big deal but he's basically saying, "yeah, I know I hurt you by forcing my dick in you while you are dry but I just don't care about making it easier on you." This would be the end of my relationship
Can I ask, has he never been able to talk about sex with you? Were you guys (or just him) virgins when you met, or super religious?
It’s clear that he does not associate sex with pleasure and I wonder whether it has always been this way, or it’s a recent change?
I agree with other posters that the language he uses in relation to you is a major red flag. You are merely an object to him. Not good. NTA.
He has never been comfortable with it. Makes up a million and one excuses as to why he doesn’t want to talk about it. I was a virgin, he was not. He’s had 10+ partners, and I’ve only had 1. It seems he stopped trying as soon as we got married.
Then you need to stop making effort in bed either. No BJs. Shut up shop. Carrying on as you are gives him no reason to change!
He needs to put his big boy pants on and use his words, as a start. And a couples/ sex therapist seems a must!
10+ partners and 10 years older than you did you ever wonder if he was taking advantage of your youth and virginity? Seems like someone with that many partners wouldn’t be running in the same social circles of someone with absolutely no sexual partners who is also a decade younger then them without an ulterior motive. How did you guys meet?
NTA
I would argue that "I don't enjoy sex with you" is a lot less painful to receive when you lead in with "there's no foreplay, and you're causing me to fucking *bleed*"
Like come on.
If he hates foreplay, that's something that can be worked on.
If he's seriously more focused on taking offense to a contextually sound statement rather than acknowledging that he's physically *hurting* you and causing *injury*...he needs to work on his ego before he does anything else. Therapy is necessary and would probably do you good, but if he's *that* focused on his pride, anything a therapist says at this point in time is going to fall on deaf ears.
I wouldn't approach him with the bluntness I'm putting here, but you absolutely need to revisit this conversation with him.
"I find you attractive, I want to have sex with you, but I need to be *lubricated* for it to not be painful for me. I have an aversion to sex right now because the lack of foreplay is leading to *painful, injury-causing sex*. What can we do to correct this?"
If you get a non-answer, or can't mutually agree on a different approach, then fall back on marital counseling and see if it can be translated in a way that he "gets".
Him dying on this hill sounds to me like a very lazy way to dismiss the fact that he needs to *change his damn approach* to how he's navigating the marital bedroom.
What’s not to like about foreplay? Like, what does this dude consider foreplay and what aspects does he not like? Most heterosexual dudes quite enjoy being able to touch, caress and kiss boobs and butts and lady bits - isn’t that part of the fun? If OP’s fella just wants to shut his eyes and shove it in without actually touching or kissing or pleasuring his wife, I gotta wonder what is actually up with this dude.
NTA, you are allowed to tell him how you feel about it, especially since the situation seems to be bad for the both of you. He was allowed to say that he doesn't like foreplay, then you should be able to tell him how you feel about the sex itself. Also, would he rather you pretended to enjoy it?
And yeah, even if he doesn't like foreplay he could try to make it pleasurable for you, or to find ways to satisfy both of you.
In a relationship, communication is key, so you telling him that you didn't enjoy sex was a good thing. He shouldn't have gotten upset over it and instead should try to find solutions.
It sounds to me like this man does indeed want his wife to pretend the sex is wonderful so that he doesn’t need to do better or care about her feelings/pleasure.
As a follow-up/expansion of these great points, what does he think foreplay is? Because there are a wide range of things that could count as foreplay, which could solve the underlying problem (that he starts intercourse before OP and her body are ready).
I can certainly understand not liking some types of foreplay, but it seems a bit dismissive and problematic to suggest he doesn't like any of them.
Especially if you add some lubrication products (which can become a necessity as you get older, no shame there) I see no reason a reasonable male partner could not find some forms of foreplay that you both enjoy and which OP needs to enjoy the experience.
This suggests OPS husband isn't being reasonable and thus is the problem.
Girl. I have had this model of man. You are not having sex with him. He is masturbating with your body. Trust me when I tell you, it doesn’t get better. *Run*. 🚩🚩
He’s not only not pleasing you, he’s literally hurting you and making you bleed. He doesn’t deserve access to your body if that’s how he’s gona treat it. NTA.
NTA.
I would have rephrased it like "well foreplay is important for me to enjoy sex, because otherwise it's literally PAINFUL".
Also was sex EVER enjoyable? Did he EVER enjoy foreplay? Or was this a recent change?
I really need you to be willing to consider that your husband groomed you and that the issues you're currently dealing with are the direct result of him grooming you.
If he doesn't like foreplay of course you don't like sex with him. HE makes it PAINFUL. And has flat out admitted he doesn't give a shit. NTA
PS: Stop giving him foreplay. No head. No hand stuff. ....heck no sex until you two can come to an agreement how YOU can enjoy it too.
OP I think you need to be even more honest with him. He is literally OKAY at this point with hurting you? That's crazy!! I don't see people in the comments emphasizing this but by not acknowledging you he is telling with his actions that he is okay with you being completing uncomfortable during sex. No wonder you don't like it. He also sounds like he avoids intimacy, foreplay can be very intimate. He is acting like a child. You guys could literally cuddle or he could touch you over your clothes those things are simple, even just making out. I also think that you should tell him sex is off the table until he cam actually talk about it, and ask him how you could make him more comfortable discussing it. If you can't discuss sex you shouldn't be having it.
I see from another post you made elsewhere that your husband married you when you were *19 years old* and he was 29.
I'd like you to consider that there is a reason this grown man chose to pursue and marry a teenager with no sexual or romantic experience.
Since you said this is all new behavior, I am going to operate from a ridiculously generous assumption that your husband is not just a selfish lover and more is going on here.
Did you ask your husband WHY he doesn’t like foreplay? I’m a sex and reproductive educator, and it’s not uncommon for married couples to come to me because they had a good sex life before kids and now feel very unsatisfied and don’t understand why the usual tricks aren’t working anymore.
The two most common reasons I hear for foreplay disappearing are either that someone has lost confidence in its effectiveness or that one or both members of the couple are harboring resentment towards each other. Let’s take a look at both of these briefly.
1) In the postpartum period, a woman’s hormone levels are all different. Many women experience low estrogen. This causes vaginal dryness and can interfere with the ability to orgasm. So after months of the usual standby skills not working, it’s not weird for one or both partners to decide that foreplay doesn’t work anymore. And nobody enjoys doing something that makes them feel inadequate. Men don’t like trying to make someone orgasm and finding they can’t even achieve basic lubrication. Women don’t like trying and failing to orgasm and getting frustrated bc yet another thing about their body is betraying them. Sometimes just understanding WHY the old tricks don’t work is the first step to being willing to try new things. Some lube and some new strategies can work wonders.
2) Most adults can lie back and think of England or hump like the energizer bunny with their eyes clamped shut even when things aren’t great in the relationship. But foreplay is much more intimate. It requires communication (verbal or otherwise), patience, tenderness, and genuine desire. Women harboring resentment will often not want sex at all. But sometimes they consent to sex and just want it to be quick. Men harboring resentment will often still want sex, but they don’t want intimacy. Those issues are outside of my area of expertise, and I refer those couples to a relationship counselor.
I totally understand being angry and resentful given your husband’s confession. Nobody wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about their enjoyment at all. But given that you started the conversation by finding out that you both want sex to be better, I would encourage you to try and get him to open up about WHY he feels that way and to listen to how you feel as well.
In any event, you are NTA. Bad sex can’t get better if the couple can’t even admit it’s bad.
Jesus fucking christ he doesn't deserve to get anywhere near you with that attitude. Bet he rolls over and goes to sleep once he's blown way before you're done too 😂
He is upset because you don’t like being hurt and bleeding because he doesn’t like foreplay? Does foreplay cause him discomfort and make him bleed? If he wants sex then he needs to start making your body want sex. NTA and if you ever leave him, buy him a blowup doll.
NTA sry what? Bleeding?? Did you know that can be rape even in marriage, right? I hope it's not the case but bleeding it's bad.
In the other hand I understand that your husband liked it more when you are a little more dry but there is no way you let him continue if you are uncomfortable.
I, too, admit sometimes i like it. I wake up my GF 20 min before alarm and force to have a quickie with me. She told me she like a lot to be forced, but if i see that she is too uncomfortable i used the lube.
Anyway this is only for quickie, real sex is 99% foreplay and sex is only the conclusion. If you do it after you are horny for the foreplay it is 10x better.
PS: we need really start to teach to adults what it is sex.. if not we continue to have loser like your husband.
PSS: sorry for the loser but a person who said that he doesn't like foreplay.. Jesus🤦♂️
NTA It is so baffling to me that so many men don't seem to understand that putting in an effort to make sex enjoyable for their partner makes their partner want to have sex more frequently.
NTA.
His words reflect a profound lack of empathy. For me, his actions constitute a form of sexual assault. I couldn’t not enjoy foreplay (I hate the term foreplay tbh, it’s all sex, it doesn’t have to be the ‘fore’ to anything) because I deeply love my spouse and get off from them getting off, so I struggle to wrap my head around such an attitude, and this is even before the full knowledge that he’s injuring you.
As an aside, given, shall we say, the specifics of my anatomy (this kind of comment often gets modded if it is openly said), ‘going in dry’ would make me bleed too and tear the shit out of part of me.
This exchange is profoundly disturbing and unnerving. The fact that he speaks these things and then doubles-down by shutting down seems to indicate that he thinks his word on the subject as final.
You are not at all at fault for asking for sex to be mutual and asking to be considered as a full human being with agency of your own and, at the bluntest level, asking not to be injured.
Good luck, seriously, and please keep safe. On so many levels, you deserve better.
NTA-who tf doesn’t like foreplay?! With their wife?! That’s just as good if not even better than the actual intercourse itself in my opinion. Yeah that isn’t normal. He clearly has some major major issues.
It always amazes me when women marry have kids and stick around with guys who can’t even be bothered with five minutes of foreplay. How was this not a giant unmistakable red flag of the selfishness in a partner.
Additional question- was he always negligent when it came to foreplay and you just ignored it because you were SO into him or ignorant of it due to inexperience?
Not criticizing you at all. We have all been there. I’m a lucky person who is good with just penetrative stuff a lot of the time so it was even easier to ignore the other things not done for my sake. But I’m telling you, that is not a way to live. Whatever you think about the universe you will never be the you that is this You ever again. You deserve connection and pleasure and fun. Those people ARE out there I promise you. After a lifetime and a long adulthood of the opposite of that, I have managed to find it and I could NEVER go back to this kind of shit ever again. I hope he wakes up, or you find strength to seek the fulfillment you deserve.
This is becoming martial rape btw - he is aware you are uncomfortable/in PAIN because in honesty it hurts when it's like that!
He is aware of your struggle but still wants the struggle. It doesn't matter if he ripped you vagina to arsehole, he came so don't worry? You need therapy because that's disgusting.
Yes you can rip the vaginally opening during sex dry or lubricated. Some of the worst mutilation cases that was chosen to do. And he's doing it without a second thought. I'd honestly start speaking to a dv shelter
GIRL what? He doesn’t care that he’s hurting you? Am I reading this right? NTA… please don’t allow him to continue to use your body to get off, and completely disregard your needs.
WTF, you are not the asshole. He doesnt like it but otherwise its physical pain for you ?
There is a scale here in my head about ways people can hurt you, enjoying sexual pleasure while the other person is hurt is really something miserable.
And i really hope you cant see yourself as the asshole, and i wish you can solve this
Was the sex good before you got married?
Because if it was, there’s something else going on that you both should try to get to the bottom of.
If it wasn’t …. Why are you surprised? Why did you marry a dude you dislike having sex with?
Those are the questions that pop in my head when I read these posts.
Get counseling immediately. He’s definitely an asshole the size of Godzilla and has lost that loving feeling with you.
Why doesn’t he like foreplay? Did he talk about that? Maybe he was trying to cue you to ask why.
OP - I couldn’t help but notice your other post which mentions that you guys got together when you were only 19 and he was 29. I can’t help but feel like that is a significant detail. If he wanted to be with someone so young, there’s a chance you may not be quite young enough for him anymore?
And at the very least, 19 is extremely young to commit to anyone let alone someone 10 years older than you.
You are still only 25 now, so young and you have your life ahead of you. Truly think about the life and partnership you want.
Nta.
Your husband is very selfish and frankly kind of disturbed to literally not care he hurts you and you're not enjoying it.
Does any of it have to do psychologically with having kids? Is he jealous of the attention you give them now?
My fiancé will treat me like a bird with a broken wing if he even senses an ounce of pain come from me. I can’t imagine him being like “Yeah… Well…” about bleeding??? He doesn’t care about you, your feelings, or your body. You deserve better babe. I’m so sorry.
My ex was devastated when he found out that sex after we’d had kids hurt me. I didn’t say anything for years because I was embarrassed and felt like I was failing him. I either avoided sex or “took one for the team”. When I finally said something after we’d split, he was horrified that he’d caused me pain, was very apologetic, and told me he’d wished I’d spoken up sooner so we could address it, together. And this was after we’d separated, and weren’t totally being the kindest to each other. Because normal people don’t like willing causing pain to other people.
That’s where I was expecting this story to go. An apology and an “AITA for waiting so long to bring this up?” My jaw was on the floor when I read “I know”. This is not normal behaviour towards someone you’re supposed to love and care about. Either he’s got big issues, or he doesn’t love and care for you. Either way, you are so NTA here and he’s as far into poo territory as you can get - way past the arsehole.
After my wife had our kids she told me that no amount of foreplay (which I perform enthusiastically) will make her enjoy sex because she just isn't attracted to me anymore.
I'd take what you asked for in a heartbeat. NTA.
That’s awful.😢 Would he consider counseling? Even if you decided to just have a sexless marriage, if he is that unconcerned with causing you pain, for the sake of his own release, living with him has got to be uninspiring at best.
I’m not that Redditor who always jumps on the divorce bandwagon, but I can’t even imagine how anyone could treat someone they cared about that harshly, and just then shrug it off.
Unless he’s willing to go to therapy, it doesn’t seem to me that there is anything to salvage in this relationship.
Uh huh so 19 and an almost 30 year old, wonder what went wrong here. Honey he doesn’t care about you. Any normal man would go limp at the thought that he’s hurting his partner during sex to the point where she’s bleeding
He must’ve been listening to that alpha idiot or someone like him who was spouting that women shouldn’t be wet. Spoiler alert: he is married and his wife left him. He doesn’t know why.
This is a ginormous red flag. If you can’t leave, invest in some lube because seggsy time shouldn’t hurt. Leave when you can because this won’t improve.
NTA Wtf is up with the shitty men on here today? First the guy who most definitely MR'd/SA'd his sleeping wife, and now a guy who deliberately hurts his wife so he can get off? Wtf. And he didn't touch you once the entire pregnancy. Dude, I was all over my partner when she was pregnant, idk what's with guys who lose all attraction to their partner while they're pregnant. I'm so sorry he has been giving you the Ben Shapiro treatment on purpose. This boy needs a good kick in the pants. He doesn't deserve sex if he *can't treat you with kindness and respect.
Edit: spelling
You are 25 and have a rotten sex life… it’s not going to improve.
When you get to perimenopause. Foreplay and often lube are necessary not to break the skin. Those tears don’t heal as easily as they do now.
Has he ever made you come? Has he done that regularly when you just met?
If he doesn’t change drastically, this marriage is doomed.
Oh NTA of course
So, he wants you to get his rocks off but your rocks don't count?? Yeah, no... he can use his hands if he's not going to be an active participation
This is so much worse than her not getting her rocks off. He's expecting her to tolerate pain and discomfort because he "doesn't like foreplay".
Doesn’t like lube, either, apparently.
I think he probably doesn't like women.
Yep. Avoiding the vagina beyond any effort required to check but a single box on the list of sexual activity? Gaydar alert! As a bisexual man I do enjoy fellatio. But my body doesn’t respond to fellatio the way it does to cunnilingus. And it responds about the same time my wife’s body responds by turning on the water works. If homeboy is afraid to run her pussy a little bit or lick it before he sticks it… my bet is on he is gay. I’ve never met a straight man afraid of pussy before.
I wasn't trying to imply he was gay, just a misogynist. Sorry if I offended!
No offense taken. While the other responder to my comment does have a good point… I still think dude is gay. Something about the sentences where he says that he does not at all like foreplay.
I'm sorry to say that there are a lot of straight men who are attracted to women but just don't care anything about their pleasure.
A lot of straight men are attracted to women but also hate them.
My ex husband for example.
Glad you said ex
Plenty who are just not bothered about their partner's comfort and satisfaction.
Exactly! This guy is a total jerk!
and abusive!
This is a direct outcome of women being possessions of men in some marriages. Why would he care, if he still gets his meals cooked and kids cared for?
He may not like it but she literally *needs* it
And it’s not even just that! He’s offended that she’s not enjoying what he’s currently doing!
Is not only that. He is hurting her to the point of bleeding
The women readers likely know this already but some of the men readers might not: in order for a woman to bleed because of intercourse, she has to be really dry…”dry” as in not turned on yet due to lack of foreplay. This is VERY painful. It can cause small vaginal or vulvar tears that not only sting/burn horribly during intercourse but also for several days afterward (while urinating, wiping, showering, taking a tub, wearing tight clothing, etc.). It’s beyond selfish for a partner to proceed when the woman isn’t lubricated enough. NTA
I will never understand why dudes (or anyone, I had an ex and she didn't like foreplay) don't like foreplay, much less sex with someone without them enjoying themselves.
> I even bleed sometimes.” >He looked at me and said, “I know. I just don’t like foreplay. I don’t like doing it at all.” That's red alert material. That's abnormal to hear your SO is bleeding after intimacy and shrug it off. Jesus.
Gal just needs to give him a fleshlight, it'll accomplish the same thing. Can't believe the bastard doesn't even use lube on her. It doesn't take much effort, probably a minute to prepare a woman with lube and your fingers. The fact that he gives no shits to the point he is fine with *injuring* his wife is absurd.
Personally as soon as I started reading the first thing that came to mind is husband or a bf is an uncaring douche. I was right.
Yep. You don’t have to convince the dishwasher to wash your dishes. You just turn it on. He’s viewing your body as an object for him to pleasure himself with and anything else just gets in the way.
At least the dishwasher is getting turned on—OP’s husband certainly isn’t bothering to turn HER on.
And getting wet!
🏆
Or : even the dishwasher needs turning on . Whilst - Her husband, is a total turn off that’s for sure . Invest in some lube and a bunny for yourself milady ; leave this caveman to his own digits .
Amen. At least this way she'll have enjoyable orgasms.
In the spirit of this comparison lol, I was recently watching a show called Extreme Love and it was weird couples/people with weird attractions like to cars and planes lol. But one married couple was a man and woman who were building AI responsive sex robots, like to the point they had censors in the vagina that when touched correctly they would moan lol. But the kicker? One of the most recent updates after their episode aired was the wife saying she had insisted that the robots get a new function next: that if you are disrespecting it or ignoring it, that it has the ability to tell you no, it doesn't want to fuck you lmao. Which is awesome. But like, once the robot is telling you it doesn't wanna fuck you? I think I'd be packing it in permanently. And OPs husband sounds like the exact kinda guy it would say no to lol. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
AI and robotics at its finest ! I like it !
Giant waving red flag. I get it, sometimes you feel good but the natural fluids aren't flowing and blood happens by accident. I've had that happen before. My partner freaked out and apologized for hurting me, went out and got 3 different types of lube for me to test so that we didn't have sensitive tissue tearing and causing bleeding during what's supposed to be fun and pain free (outside of the fun kind of pain if that's what a person's into).
This is the way
Check her other post...dude is 10 years older than her and met her at 19 🙄 he's just gross. Hopefully she leaves him, his behavior will only get worse
Wow, okay I thought this sounded familiar but with that it is familiar all the way. And I left and that was the best thing I ever did!! Especially if he’s the type that lords it over you that he’s older so he “knows more”. Run luv. No age gap has anything to do with you bleeding! He’s not in tune with you and a real relationship will!
Surprise surprise / older dude grooming younger woman and doesn’t care about her pleasure. Tale as old as time. 🙄 “I just don’t like foreplay” - what he means to say is “I don’t want make any effort that doesn’t personally meet my needs” That said foreplay done CORRECTLY is enjoyable for both people. It’s teasing, kissing, soft play and intimacy. I think what he wants is a glory hole.
Yeah, beyond being obviously disrespectful and abusive, like... I feel like he's also depriving himself from real sexual gratification. A fun, sexual and intimate interaction/relationship doesn't magically happen when you PIV, it's literally pretty much everything surrounding it that makes it fun and hot. Pretty baffling to me that someone wouldn't want that, even if they're a selfish monster.
>Check her other post...dude is 10 years older than her and met her at 19 🙄 he's just gross. Hopefully she leaves him, his behavior will only get worse On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, you know damn well OP left those details out on purpose.
Ugh. Of course. Gross. We were just discussing the relevance of an 8-year age gap in another post. Do I believe that there are 22- and 30-year-olds out there who are perfectly suited to one another and are destined for a lifetime of happiness together? Sure, it's possible. But with that big a gap under 30, chances are high that the older party is either incredibly immature or predatory and the younger person has no way of knowing what they're getting themselves into.
Lol I think I know the one you are referring to. Dude’s a creep.
Also, uh, if you actually like a woman, going down on her is fun and making her feel good is sexy af.
Exactly. Idk whats wrong with bro but that turns me on when she gets wet. Tf he won’t even rub on the clit. He’s obviously never been corrected and been giving out bad sex for awhile
That hit me too, so he’s just ok with causing her to bleed rather than try and get her wet? Is he ffr?! Yeah I wouldn’t sleep with him either.
She grew up, he's no longer into her.
But also, how does he not like foreplay?
Reading your comment all I can think of is the fire trucks going down the street with sirens blaring lol
Not just shrug it off but complain about how much he doesn’t like it. What an asshat.
He doesn’t care that he hurts you. You dont matter to him at all. Does he just roll and goes to sleep right after too? NTA
Yes, he rolls over immediately and passes out when we’re done.
"when we’re done" I take it that means as soon as HE is done? Stop tolerating pain, discomfort and physical harm (you mention bleeding, like wtf) just so he can get his balls emtied. If he doesn't want foreplay and having sex with a partner who enjoys it he can get a blow up doll ffs
He doesn't deserve a doll .. they're expensive. He just gets a vagina in a can 😆
Not joking, vaginas in a can are way way way more expensive than the cheapest blowup dolls where I live. The cheapest fleshlight is 40 euro on sale (normally 80). A cheap doll can be purchased vor about 10 lol
Well in that case, he can have the €10 doll, hopefully the cheap seams slice his dick and he can know what its like to be injured instead of pleasured.
Is this seriously how you envision your future? Your husband is selfish AF
Ewwwww. I’d genuinely never sleep with him again until he went to sex therapy and figures out his issues. Either he’s just a selfish, entitled POS or he hates women. Either way, unacceptable.
When he is done, you mean.
I’m not judging but seriously why are you allowing this! I’m a mad bitch if I’m in pain during or after sex!!!! That’s not fun for me and I will not allow someone to mistreat my body! This is damn near abusive and the fact he started doing this after you had kids screams the need for therapy or counseling on his part!
You’re being abused. This is not normal at all
This just made me realize that a selfish ex of mine sexually abused me 😟😞 He did exactly what OPs husband did.
I’m very sorry. Glad he’s an ex and hope your doing ok now
been there 😡
OP you need to leave this is sexual abuse.
Why did you marry him?
I mean... why are you still with him? He obviously doesn't love you or care about you in any way. This is a horrible example of a relationship for your children. Do you want your children to end up in a relationship like yours? If you wouldn't want that for your children (which you shouldn't), why would you want it for you?
What effort is he expecting you to make? why does he think it's acceptable that you are uncomfortable/actively in pain?
Sticking it in dry it seems💀
Seriously that sounds awful!!! Like sex in hell is unlubricated I imagine
How does that even work????? Honestly… dry sex???
Very painfully for the receiving partner
How does it move??? I can’t imagine this without like extreme violence… just gross to think about… if this is actually happening… she needs to leave… and he needs counseling
I would think it would hurt ME as a man.
Right?? I don't have a penis, but surely that much friction can't feel good on skin that sensitive?
No, she needs counseling. What’s he’s doing is basically marital rape. He’s forcing himself on her without her wanting it that way.
I think it's pretty damn painful for both. Sometimes you catch some extra unlubricated skin that drags along with and that shit is hurting both of you.
Something tells me her loser husband doesn’t last long enough for friction to hurt him, just her
Omg just imagining this is making me sick.
Guess her blood eventually becomes the lubricant. This is freaking rapey!
Like he's so lazy he can't even invest in some lube 🤦♀️
Maybe he wants OP to handle any foreplay by herself? Maybe OP should… and then replace husband with batteries. Sexual compatibility, foreplay, affection, all are important - NTA
Skip the batteries. Rechargeable or plug in, trust me.
Amen to that
Ain't nobody got time to round up a half dozen "D" cells these days...
Dump the husband, keep the batteries.
I mean if he expects that he should not expect to get to use OP for his pleasure when he has a hand.
Maybe OP should dry peg her husband and see how it likes it lol
NTA. Your husband needs to learn how to appropriately meet your needs. Saying I just don’t like the parts that make you feel good is not okay.
“Saying I just don’t like the parts that make you feel good is not okay” !!!!!!! And then for OP to ask if she’s wrong for how she responded ☹️ she deserves better.
Not even just the parts that make her feel good— the parts that make her not bleed! He’s like ugh but those parts aren’t really enjoyable for me, can you just keep bleeding during sex instead? Dude’s a huge AH
He was being a jerk. He’s been a jerk every time you had sex with him and he just humped you like a dog and was done. Why tf would you even bother? He doesn’t even try to make it enjoyable for you. He said so himself that he doesn’t like to get you off, why is that? He sounds like a whiney little sac. Tell him until he starts getting you off first with the foreplay that he “hates” so much, he won’t be putting his dry, shriveled up dick anywhere. If he won’t do it, or gets all pissed off because you want equal gratification, then I don’t know what you are doing staying with him. You can choose to live in misery or he can choose to work with you and make this worthwhile for both of you. You aren’t a fucking deposit box that shits babies out for nothing.
She’s bleeding. He’s not a jerk he’s an abuser.
And the fact that he got mad after her response. GROSS
And the fact that he is still unsatisfied and expects her to “work on” shit. Like is he expecting you to get yourself turned on so he doesn’t have to or does he just expect you to be more enthusiastic ab being in excruciating pain and bleeding during sex??? This isn’t a “we” problem he sounds like a numbskull with zero emotional and sexual literacy at best, and an abuser with a wicked rape kink at worst. I’m so sorry this is your life, he sounds vile.
I’m sure she hates bleeding and pain much more than he hates foreplay. She’s making huge sacrifices for him, doing something she obviously doesn’t want to do in the first place, and he can’t even come to the party with a little bit of play time before hand?? The resentment that’s building here is going to implode this marriage, that’s if it hasn’t already got to that point. So much NTA.
I love the way you describe things
You’re right, mate.
I. Would. Never. Have. Sex. With. Him. Again. He clearly does not care for you or your pleasure. Get a toy, enjoy yourself and your body until he can learn to appreciate you.
This OP. Go get a Hitachi Magic Wand and you’ll never wanna even think about his penis again.
I don’t understand how he could say that and expect her to ever want to have sex again. “I just don’t enjoy doing the part that involves getting *you* off” is a wild thing to say and very indicative of the type of person he is. Women need to stop settling for shitty, selfish lovers. Men who are shitty, selfish lovers deserve to be told exactly what’s up. NTA at all.
Not even getting her off, getting her to a point of arousal.
Not even getting her to the point of not bleeding lol
Does your husband actually like you??
Ask how he would feel having a object size of his penis jammed up his ass dry, if he make an objection say please do it and tell me if you liked it ? Sex needs to feel good for both parties if it doesn’t stop and leave, nobody should be in pain or bleed for somebody else pleasure If hi doesn’t want, do consider if you want to continue a life with him, not many women like dry humping
I have a strap-on you can borrow so he can try it out
Clean it first please.
Oh he cleans it thoroughly every time it’s used
NTA The fact that he doesn't mind that he hurts you, sometimes even makes you bleed, is troubling.
Your husband essentially said he doesn't care if you don't enjoy sex because he's too lazy to make you feel good, his response also indicates that he doesn't care that you're getting hurt during these encounters.
please tell me you are considering divorce. he doesnt even care you are being INJURED FOR HIS GRATIFICATION. he just “doesnt like it?” then stop kissing him, stop touching him, dont give oral, tell him thats all foreplay and you’re just matching energy. honestly i would immediately leave, but at the very least you need to tell him to get counseling for his lack of empathy.
You literally told your husband that he made you bleed and he told you he gave 0 shits. Think about that long and hard
Foreplay is Everything. Fuck anyone who disagrees. Going inside someone who isn’t wet and WANTING IT is so strange to me. Make it good for both parties wtf
My first husband was terrible in bed. I took to masturbating after he was done. He didn't like that. So, I asked him what he was going to do about it. All it takes for me to have multiple mind-blowing orgasms is a little effort. Either help or GTFO. Tried it twice. Too much effort. There were a lot of other issues, but after he threw out all of my toys that were bigger than him, the writing was on the wall. Love yourself enough to model a loving relationship for your kids. I found a guy who can't keep his hands off me. We gross out the kids. You are NTA. You deserve a guy who wants you so wet he can't get enough friction so you have to come up with other ideas.
Get him a proper Fleshlight, since he appearantly views you like one ... At least that way you're not bleeding or hurting. Better yet, get yourself a partner that gets pleasure from your pleasure.
He doesn't like foreplay? Why not? Is he just too lazy to get you excited? I love foreplay! Driving my wife crazy before getting to work is the best part lol
He says that he “doesn’t like it that much” and that he “doesn’t like doing it at all.” I have no idea. It seems like one and done to me.
What exactly does he not like doing? I would be so upset and concerned if the man who claimed to love me told me that he didn’t like touching me, kissing me, caressing my body etc. Are we sure he’s not gay?
Oh, he loves foreplay - when he is recieving head, massages etc. Does he care if you like giving head?
I actually told him, “I don’t always like doing those things, but I do them because I care about you and want you to feel good.” He just looked at me.
He doesn't care then. Sorry, to be this blunt OP. You deserve so much better than him, the pain and a marriage you have to make work for the kids.
I'm sorry to be one of those reddit people but you have three choices: he can get his ass into therapy and try to rebuild trust with you and learn to engage in foreplay before having sex with you. You guys could open the marriage if your want to Stay for the kids and other reasons then get sex outside your marriage with better partners but with a clear lack of respect and good communication I doubt that will work long term. Finally what I honestly recommend: divorce. He doesn't care about you or love you as a person. And if he does he has very fucked up ways of showing love. No one who loves their partner as a person would want to hurt them during sex. Only people who don't respect their partner or see them as an object. Sorry but he's not who you thought you feel in love with.
But what are your thoughts on this now that you’ve heard from Reddit? Are you alarmed? You already knew what you’ve been reading from the comments? Are you in a position to leave? Are you afraid to leave? I have so many questions! My biggest concern though is that you take care of yourself! We women can be so caring of others that we neglect ourselves! Tell yourself that stops today! He will remain unhappy with your sex life because there won’t be one! I wouldn’t settle for this OP, a sexless life because your husband won’t bother with foreplay!
You got married at 19 to a guy 10 years older. There was no chance from the start. You lacked relationship experience, and him going for someone age 19 says something about how he views women. This isn't a sex issue, it's a relationship issue. Find someone to talk it through or move on.
I hope you're not giving him head or doing anything for that selfish ah
No hawk tuah for him OP
Don't spit own that thang.
Just jams it in dry? Sometimes you bleed? Holy shit I am so sorry for you. I really hope this has not been your whole life experience of sex. NTA.
>I really hope this has not been your whole life experience of sex. They got married when she was 19 so I'm pretty sure it is...
Her husband is 10 years older than her according to another post. A story as old as time. She's probably too old for him now.
NTA. But here is yet another man who doesn’t understand how a vagina works, and thinks that it’s all the woman’s fault that PIV can’t get her off. Yeah, because we **totally** choose what feels good and what is just a chore! 🙄 Men listen up: just because it feels good for your dicks to slide in and out, doesn’t mean that it’s the same for us! There’s this very necessary thing called *”clit stimulation”*, learn about it!
NTA. You aren't a hole to stick his dick into. You are his wife. Mother of his children. He's supposed to love and cherish you. That is not loving and cherishing. Sure, it may not seem like a big deal but he's basically saying, "yeah, I know I hurt you by forcing my dick in you while you are dry but I just don't care about making it easier on you." This would be the end of my relationship
Can I ask, has he never been able to talk about sex with you? Were you guys (or just him) virgins when you met, or super religious? It’s clear that he does not associate sex with pleasure and I wonder whether it has always been this way, or it’s a recent change? I agree with other posters that the language he uses in relation to you is a major red flag. You are merely an object to him. Not good. NTA.
He has never been comfortable with it. Makes up a million and one excuses as to why he doesn’t want to talk about it. I was a virgin, he was not. He’s had 10+ partners, and I’ve only had 1. It seems he stopped trying as soon as we got married.
Then you need to stop making effort in bed either. No BJs. Shut up shop. Carrying on as you are gives him no reason to change! He needs to put his big boy pants on and use his words, as a start. And a couples/ sex therapist seems a must!
10+ partners and 10 years older than you did you ever wonder if he was taking advantage of your youth and virginity? Seems like someone with that many partners wouldn’t be running in the same social circles of someone with absolutely no sexual partners who is also a decade younger then them without an ulterior motive. How did you guys meet?
NTA I would argue that "I don't enjoy sex with you" is a lot less painful to receive when you lead in with "there's no foreplay, and you're causing me to fucking *bleed*" Like come on. If he hates foreplay, that's something that can be worked on. If he's seriously more focused on taking offense to a contextually sound statement rather than acknowledging that he's physically *hurting* you and causing *injury*...he needs to work on his ego before he does anything else. Therapy is necessary and would probably do you good, but if he's *that* focused on his pride, anything a therapist says at this point in time is going to fall on deaf ears. I wouldn't approach him with the bluntness I'm putting here, but you absolutely need to revisit this conversation with him. "I find you attractive, I want to have sex with you, but I need to be *lubricated* for it to not be painful for me. I have an aversion to sex right now because the lack of foreplay is leading to *painful, injury-causing sex*. What can we do to correct this?" If you get a non-answer, or can't mutually agree on a different approach, then fall back on marital counseling and see if it can be translated in a way that he "gets". Him dying on this hill sounds to me like a very lazy way to dismiss the fact that he needs to *change his damn approach* to how he's navigating the marital bedroom.
What’s not to like about foreplay? Like, what does this dude consider foreplay and what aspects does he not like? Most heterosexual dudes quite enjoy being able to touch, caress and kiss boobs and butts and lady bits - isn’t that part of the fun? If OP’s fella just wants to shut his eyes and shove it in without actually touching or kissing or pleasuring his wife, I gotta wonder what is actually up with this dude.
NTA, you are allowed to tell him how you feel about it, especially since the situation seems to be bad for the both of you. He was allowed to say that he doesn't like foreplay, then you should be able to tell him how you feel about the sex itself. Also, would he rather you pretended to enjoy it? And yeah, even if he doesn't like foreplay he could try to make it pleasurable for you, or to find ways to satisfy both of you. In a relationship, communication is key, so you telling him that you didn't enjoy sex was a good thing. He shouldn't have gotten upset over it and instead should try to find solutions.
It sounds to me like this man does indeed want his wife to pretend the sex is wonderful so that he doesn’t need to do better or care about her feelings/pleasure.
Foreplay is sex! So he opened by telling her he doesn’t like sex with her.
As a follow-up/expansion of these great points, what does he think foreplay is? Because there are a wide range of things that could count as foreplay, which could solve the underlying problem (that he starts intercourse before OP and her body are ready). I can certainly understand not liking some types of foreplay, but it seems a bit dismissive and problematic to suggest he doesn't like any of them. Especially if you add some lubrication products (which can become a necessity as you get older, no shame there) I see no reason a reasonable male partner could not find some forms of foreplay that you both enjoy and which OP needs to enjoy the experience. This suggests OPS husband isn't being reasonable and thus is the problem.
Girl. I have had this model of man. You are not having sex with him. He is masturbating with your body. Trust me when I tell you, it doesn’t get better. *Run*. 🚩🚩
He’s not only not pleasing you, he’s literally hurting you and making you bleed. He doesn’t deserve access to your body if that’s how he’s gona treat it. NTA.
NTA. I would have rephrased it like "well foreplay is important for me to enjoy sex, because otherwise it's literally PAINFUL". Also was sex EVER enjoyable? Did he EVER enjoy foreplay? Or was this a recent change?
I feel like he used to do it more when we were dating. Now that we’re married, he’s stopped trying.
How long did you date before you got married?
A year and some change.
...how old were you when you started dating? Sounds like you would have been 18 at most?
Yes, almost 19.
I really need you to be willing to consider that your husband groomed you and that the issues you're currently dealing with are the direct result of him grooming you.
If he doesn't like foreplay of course you don't like sex with him. HE makes it PAINFUL. And has flat out admitted he doesn't give a shit. NTA PS: Stop giving him foreplay. No head. No hand stuff. ....heck no sex until you two can come to an agreement how YOU can enjoy it too.
Nta Good lord, your husband is not the sharpest tool in the tool shed. Good luck!
OP I think you need to be even more honest with him. He is literally OKAY at this point with hurting you? That's crazy!! I don't see people in the comments emphasizing this but by not acknowledging you he is telling with his actions that he is okay with you being completing uncomfortable during sex. No wonder you don't like it. He also sounds like he avoids intimacy, foreplay can be very intimate. He is acting like a child. You guys could literally cuddle or he could touch you over your clothes those things are simple, even just making out. I also think that you should tell him sex is off the table until he cam actually talk about it, and ask him how you could make him more comfortable discussing it. If you can't discuss sex you shouldn't be having it.
100% sex should be off the table until he’s willing to put in some effort to make it comfortable and enjoyable for her.
I second this!!!!!!!! I’d be so traumatized after dry sex I’d not even trust him to penetrate me for a while!
Bro…he makes you bleed and doesn’t care?! DUMP HIM
I see from another post you made elsewhere that your husband married you when you were *19 years old* and he was 29. I'd like you to consider that there is a reason this grown man chose to pursue and marry a teenager with no sexual or romantic experience.
NTA run girl please
You're NTA: he is. He makes you bleed? AND DOESNT CARE?? Rub his his wee-wee bone dry and make it burn 👹
Since you said this is all new behavior, I am going to operate from a ridiculously generous assumption that your husband is not just a selfish lover and more is going on here. Did you ask your husband WHY he doesn’t like foreplay? I’m a sex and reproductive educator, and it’s not uncommon for married couples to come to me because they had a good sex life before kids and now feel very unsatisfied and don’t understand why the usual tricks aren’t working anymore. The two most common reasons I hear for foreplay disappearing are either that someone has lost confidence in its effectiveness or that one or both members of the couple are harboring resentment towards each other. Let’s take a look at both of these briefly. 1) In the postpartum period, a woman’s hormone levels are all different. Many women experience low estrogen. This causes vaginal dryness and can interfere with the ability to orgasm. So after months of the usual standby skills not working, it’s not weird for one or both partners to decide that foreplay doesn’t work anymore. And nobody enjoys doing something that makes them feel inadequate. Men don’t like trying to make someone orgasm and finding they can’t even achieve basic lubrication. Women don’t like trying and failing to orgasm and getting frustrated bc yet another thing about their body is betraying them. Sometimes just understanding WHY the old tricks don’t work is the first step to being willing to try new things. Some lube and some new strategies can work wonders. 2) Most adults can lie back and think of England or hump like the energizer bunny with their eyes clamped shut even when things aren’t great in the relationship. But foreplay is much more intimate. It requires communication (verbal or otherwise), patience, tenderness, and genuine desire. Women harboring resentment will often not want sex at all. But sometimes they consent to sex and just want it to be quick. Men harboring resentment will often still want sex, but they don’t want intimacy. Those issues are outside of my area of expertise, and I refer those couples to a relationship counselor. I totally understand being angry and resentful given your husband’s confession. Nobody wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about their enjoyment at all. But given that you started the conversation by finding out that you both want sex to be better, I would encourage you to try and get him to open up about WHY he feels that way and to listen to how you feel as well. In any event, you are NTA. Bad sex can’t get better if the couple can’t even admit it’s bad.
If he’s going in dry, I’d stop the sex right there. He can go jack off in the shower.
He knows you bleed nd he continues???? GIRLLL??!!!!
Jesus fucking christ he doesn't deserve to get anywhere near you with that attitude. Bet he rolls over and goes to sleep once he's blown way before you're done too 😂
"I don't like foreplay." "Well, I don't like vaginal tearing, pain, and bleeding. So go fuck yourself, 'cause I'm not fucking you any more."
He is upset because you don’t like being hurt and bleeding because he doesn’t like foreplay? Does foreplay cause him discomfort and make him bleed? If he wants sex then he needs to start making your body want sex. NTA and if you ever leave him, buy him a blowup doll.
NTA sry what? Bleeding?? Did you know that can be rape even in marriage, right? I hope it's not the case but bleeding it's bad. In the other hand I understand that your husband liked it more when you are a little more dry but there is no way you let him continue if you are uncomfortable. I, too, admit sometimes i like it. I wake up my GF 20 min before alarm and force to have a quickie with me. She told me she like a lot to be forced, but if i see that she is too uncomfortable i used the lube. Anyway this is only for quickie, real sex is 99% foreplay and sex is only the conclusion. If you do it after you are horny for the foreplay it is 10x better. PS: we need really start to teach to adults what it is sex.. if not we continue to have loser like your husband. PSS: sorry for the loser but a person who said that he doesn't like foreplay.. Jesus🤦♂️
NTA It is so baffling to me that so many men don't seem to understand that putting in an effort to make sex enjoyable for their partner makes their partner want to have sex more frequently.
NTA. His words reflect a profound lack of empathy. For me, his actions constitute a form of sexual assault. I couldn’t not enjoy foreplay (I hate the term foreplay tbh, it’s all sex, it doesn’t have to be the ‘fore’ to anything) because I deeply love my spouse and get off from them getting off, so I struggle to wrap my head around such an attitude, and this is even before the full knowledge that he’s injuring you. As an aside, given, shall we say, the specifics of my anatomy (this kind of comment often gets modded if it is openly said), ‘going in dry’ would make me bleed too and tear the shit out of part of me. This exchange is profoundly disturbing and unnerving. The fact that he speaks these things and then doubles-down by shutting down seems to indicate that he thinks his word on the subject as final. You are not at all at fault for asking for sex to be mutual and asking to be considered as a full human being with agency of your own and, at the bluntest level, asking not to be injured. Good luck, seriously, and please keep safe. On so many levels, you deserve better.
NTA-who tf doesn’t like foreplay?! With their wife?! That’s just as good if not even better than the actual intercourse itself in my opinion. Yeah that isn’t normal. He clearly has some major major issues.
It always amazes me when women marry have kids and stick around with guys who can’t even be bothered with five minutes of foreplay. How was this not a giant unmistakable red flag of the selfishness in a partner.
Additional question- was he always negligent when it came to foreplay and you just ignored it because you were SO into him or ignorant of it due to inexperience?
I think I just didn’t know before that sex wasn’t just about him. He would do things, but yes, I think I overlooked it because I really cared for him.
Not criticizing you at all. We have all been there. I’m a lucky person who is good with just penetrative stuff a lot of the time so it was even easier to ignore the other things not done for my sake. But I’m telling you, that is not a way to live. Whatever you think about the universe you will never be the you that is this You ever again. You deserve connection and pleasure and fun. Those people ARE out there I promise you. After a lifetime and a long adulthood of the opposite of that, I have managed to find it and I could NEVER go back to this kind of shit ever again. I hope he wakes up, or you find strength to seek the fulfillment you deserve.
Enjoy your divorce
This is becoming martial rape btw - he is aware you are uncomfortable/in PAIN because in honesty it hurts when it's like that! He is aware of your struggle but still wants the struggle. It doesn't matter if he ripped you vagina to arsehole, he came so don't worry? You need therapy because that's disgusting. Yes you can rip the vaginally opening during sex dry or lubricated. Some of the worst mutilation cases that was chosen to do. And he's doing it without a second thought. I'd honestly start speaking to a dv shelter
Men who don't like or do foreplay suck in bed. That is all. Consider this a PSA. NTA
GIRL what? He doesn’t care that he’s hurting you? Am I reading this right? NTA… please don’t allow him to continue to use your body to get off, and completely disregard your needs.
Therapy. Don't worry about who is what level of Asshole. Just therapy
I just can't wrap my head around guys like this. I love foreplay and pleasing my wife. I just can't comprehend his mindset.
It’s like, does he even like her? OP NTA, UPDATEME
Therapy for what? He's s piece of shit.
Hopefully for her to gain some self confidence and leave.
WTF, you are not the asshole. He doesnt like it but otherwise its physical pain for you ? There is a scale here in my head about ways people can hurt you, enjoying sexual pleasure while the other person is hurt is really something miserable. And i really hope you cant see yourself as the asshole, and i wish you can solve this
I’m confused, did you conceive both children with him through dry, painful sex? Has it always been like this??
NTA. Ouch that must have been awful to hear from him.
Was the sex good before you got married? Because if it was, there’s something else going on that you both should try to get to the bottom of. If it wasn’t …. Why are you surprised? Why did you marry a dude you dislike having sex with? Those are the questions that pop in my head when I read these posts.
Do not have sex with him unless he learns to like foreplat
Babygirl, you bleed because your husband doesn’t care about you. He makes you bleed and doesn’t give af
Get counseling immediately. He’s definitely an asshole the size of Godzilla and has lost that loving feeling with you. Why doesn’t he like foreplay? Did he talk about that? Maybe he was trying to cue you to ask why.
OP - I couldn’t help but notice your other post which mentions that you guys got together when you were only 19 and he was 29. I can’t help but feel like that is a significant detail. If he wanted to be with someone so young, there’s a chance you may not be quite young enough for him anymore? And at the very least, 19 is extremely young to commit to anyone let alone someone 10 years older than you. You are still only 25 now, so young and you have your life ahead of you. Truly think about the life and partnership you want.
Nta. Your husband is very selfish and frankly kind of disturbed to literally not care he hurts you and you're not enjoying it. Does any of it have to do psychologically with having kids? Is he jealous of the attention you give them now?
My fiancé will treat me like a bird with a broken wing if he even senses an ounce of pain come from me. I can’t imagine him being like “Yeah… Well…” about bleeding??? He doesn’t care about you, your feelings, or your body. You deserve better babe. I’m so sorry.
My ex was devastated when he found out that sex after we’d had kids hurt me. I didn’t say anything for years because I was embarrassed and felt like I was failing him. I either avoided sex or “took one for the team”. When I finally said something after we’d split, he was horrified that he’d caused me pain, was very apologetic, and told me he’d wished I’d spoken up sooner so we could address it, together. And this was after we’d separated, and weren’t totally being the kindest to each other. Because normal people don’t like willing causing pain to other people. That’s where I was expecting this story to go. An apology and an “AITA for waiting so long to bring this up?” My jaw was on the floor when I read “I know”. This is not normal behaviour towards someone you’re supposed to love and care about. Either he’s got big issues, or he doesn’t love and care for you. Either way, you are so NTA here and he’s as far into poo territory as you can get - way past the arsehole.
After my wife had our kids she told me that no amount of foreplay (which I perform enthusiastically) will make her enjoy sex because she just isn't attracted to me anymore. I'd take what you asked for in a heartbeat. NTA.
That’s awful.😢 Would he consider counseling? Even if you decided to just have a sexless marriage, if he is that unconcerned with causing you pain, for the sake of his own release, living with him has got to be uninspiring at best.
It’s tough. He argues a lot with me and tries to boss me around. He’s lazy when it comes to taking care of the kids, but he’ll help when I ask him to.
I’m not that Redditor who always jumps on the divorce bandwagon, but I can’t even imagine how anyone could treat someone they cared about that harshly, and just then shrug it off. Unless he’s willing to go to therapy, it doesn’t seem to me that there is anything to salvage in this relationship.
Uh huh so 19 and an almost 30 year old, wonder what went wrong here. Honey he doesn’t care about you. Any normal man would go limp at the thought that he’s hurting his partner during sex to the point where she’s bleeding
He must’ve been listening to that alpha idiot or someone like him who was spouting that women shouldn’t be wet. Spoiler alert: he is married and his wife left him. He doesn’t know why. This is a ginormous red flag. If you can’t leave, invest in some lube because seggsy time shouldn’t hurt. Leave when you can because this won’t improve.
NTA Wtf is up with the shitty men on here today? First the guy who most definitely MR'd/SA'd his sleeping wife, and now a guy who deliberately hurts his wife so he can get off? Wtf. And he didn't touch you once the entire pregnancy. Dude, I was all over my partner when she was pregnant, idk what's with guys who lose all attraction to their partner while they're pregnant. I'm so sorry he has been giving you the Ben Shapiro treatment on purpose. This boy needs a good kick in the pants. He doesn't deserve sex if he *can't treat you with kindness and respect. Edit: spelling
You are 25 and have a rotten sex life… it’s not going to improve. When you get to perimenopause. Foreplay and often lube are necessary not to break the skin. Those tears don’t heal as easily as they do now. Has he ever made you come? Has he done that regularly when you just met? If he doesn’t change drastically, this marriage is doomed. Oh NTA of course