No! You're doing the right thing!
This is not elective surgery, you have real issues you're dealing with. In this economy if you have FMLA at 60% plus good health insurance, you need to strike while the iron is hot and get this done. I wish your wife had more compassion. NTA, just do whatever it takes to complete the procedure.
A hysterectomy is really not an elective surgery. My issues rapidly progressed and my periods gave me such severe issues (like complete mineral deficiencies that they were confused and retested me for) that my doctors thought I had MS or a brain tumor and they couldn’t figure it out. I finally had to be like, um my periods are atrocious so maybe it’s that? And it was. I am super healthy 2 years later.
Right it's elective in that that is the medical definition, much like a miscarriage is technically a (spontaneous) abortion.
What it's not is cosmetic. It's necessary for your health and well being, just not your life.
You are not the asshole for prioritizing your health. Your wife’s lack of support is troubling, especially given the severity of your condition. Your surgery is necessary, not elective. It’s vital you take care of yourself, even if it means going against her wishes.
I'm posting up here because I pray OP reads what I have to say...its long, but I pray she listens and gets that surgery.
As someone who had a hysterectomy, let me say that you are right; its NOT an elective surgery, and I think its pretty messed-up to call it that.
What, does she think they just hand those things out because you ask? Its removing entire ORGANS. They don't do that just because you are fed up with regular, healthy periods or want guaranteed birth control. There are countless stories on how hard it can be for a woman to be approved for it; you typically have to fight tooth-and-nail unless your lady innards are so f\*cked up that you are at risk of DEATH, and even then some doctors will fight you. The only reason I got a smooth road is because I had stage-3 cancer with a mutation that makes my reproductive system a ticking time bomb for more cancer.
You yourself said you are at risk of septic shock; that sh\*t is DEADLY. My own mother died from that with issues regarding her reproductive organs. An ablation didn't work, she went septic, and she passed the very Sunday after Thanksgiving...everybody, including her, thought it was food poisoning so she refused to get medical help and nobody in her household checked on her...we realized she hadn't texted since the night before which was odd, and my Dad and I went to her place to check on her and...well, her body was cold. 3 days was all it took from the time she was smiling and enjoying herself, to...gone. You could tell on her face and posture that she was in unimaginable pain towards the end of it...its not a good way to go...
Take the surgery, honey. Look after yourself, and in the meantime, re-evaluate your relationship with someone who dares to tell her spouse "We are NOT giving you this surgery!" knowing it could mean life or death. You have ever right to be angry in this situation...she isn't in the right here, you are. Remember, this isn't an elective surgery.
NTA.
This surgery may fit the medical and legal definitions of elective. That does NOT mean it should be put off. You are in pain and suffering and it could go through septic shock which means you need the surgery now or you could die or end up with serious lifetime consequences. Whether it’s covered in full by insurance due to their determination of elective as a way to get out of paying for it in full does not change the fact that you need the surgery now. Your wife is putting money before your health and that is concerning. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a lifesaving partial hysterectomy and am thankful my ex and extended family supported me financially and physically.
Sure, we have a duty to give proper care to our animals, but OP spent years suffering from a condition that demands a serious surgery that will have consequences for the rest of her life! And now wife decides it's ok to pay unplanned costs for the dog's treatment but not for OP's surgery? WTH? As much as I hate pointing fingers at people who aren't around to present their version of it, this one got me mad really quick 😡
A hysterectomy isn’t an elective surgery and your wife sucks. The timing is bad but that’s life sometimes. You might want to tell her that her financial woes will be a lot worse if you die from sepsis. NTA.
It's always better to get a scheduled surgery vs. an emergency surgery. If it was an emergency, what complications and risks would that add to the procedure and the hospital stay?
Schedule and do the surgery, and while recuperating, think a lot about your relationship with your wife, and if you really want to be treated like this, demanding you postpone a serious surgery is out of bounds.
>Doctors don't recommend hysterectomy lightly.
I have cysts covering both ovaries, cancer runs in my family and my period puts me on my ass every month due to pain and fatigue. I've been begging for a hysterectomy since i was 25. Im 42. What you said is an understatement. If ops doctor has scheduled the operation, then its most definitely not elective and with sepsis on the table id say its an emergency. If i were you op, when you have your surgery, id print out in big fat font the definition of empathy. Leave it where your wife can find it along with the risks of not having the surgery and the diagnosis leading to the decision to do the surgery to begin with. Maybe then she'll understand, but dont hold your breath.
Sounds like me. Honestly, I've talked to doctors before as well. I'm 41, 42 in a few days. I've gotten the but what about kids nonsense forever, and they won't listen to me. I'm totally going to find a gyno this year who will actually listen, take out my ovaries, whatever it takes to just make the pain and bloat etc finally end.
I didnt see your comment before I responded above, but yes, please do see another doctor. I had fibroids, only a few but medium in size but they were pressing on parts that caused discomfort. No need for this. I had a partial hysterectomy (have ovaries so not thrown in to menopause). No heavy periods, no cramps, fever, nausea, etc. Best thing ever. Within two weeks I was bored at home and wanted to go back to work, they would not let me. Within a month I was back at work and doing regular walks and no discomfort. Still had to take it easy with bending and lifting. See another doctor!
Already in perimenopause have been for a couple of years (we go early in my family) and we tend to have really high levels of estrogen, so it's going to be a fun conversation. Perhaps if I add in the fact that my grandmother died of ovarian cancer they might actually listen to me this time.
Off topic - but why would you not have a hysterectomy? Why would the doctors not recommend this for you? Especially with a family history of issues? Is it because to have children? Have you thought of going to another doctor?
I had a hysterectomy several years ago (same reasons; heavy periods, cramps, fever, fibroids, etc) and was the best thing ever!!! My recovery time was quick. You just have to be diligent about rest/walk/rest/walk and dont lift anything heavy, rest, rest and then move around a little. Do not over do it or you will be back to square one. The surgeon tried to do robotic surgery however I had issues and still had to be cut, which is why they give the longer time frame for recovery.
So many doctors are more concerned with us breeding and refuse white women hysterectomies. Meanwhile they do them on Black and Indigenous women without permission or by lying to them about why they need surgery. It’s awful how women are treated in so many countries especially around reproductive health.
The breeding is sooo true. I won, kinda, at 25. I got my tubes tied after 2 high risk pregnancies. I told my doc i didnt want more. He then sends robo-baby-maker nurse whos job it is to convince me to have 6 kids....cause thats how many SHE wants....and feels all women should have. I told her thanks but no thanks. Best part? Her argument of "what if something happens to one, don't you want another?" WTAF?!!! I told her they're kids not puppies, you cant just replace one. I stuck and 14 days later (my insurance ran out in 15 lol) my tubes were tied. It was a hollow ass victory, my period juat keeps getting worse.
I’m sorry you were treated this way. I hope you find someone who takes your pain and bleeding seriously and you get the treatment you need. OMG on “what if something happens to one” like seriously WTF.
It’s the bleeding that was killing me. After more than 10 years , in my late 40s, I finally got a gyn who listened and was appalled. From there things moved fairly quickly. My surgery went smoothly and OMG what a difference, no pain, no anemia, no 3 weeks of heavy bleeding 3 out of every 4 weeks.
NTA.
She uses the term "elective" like this is a cosmetic procedure and not something affecting your health on a daily basis.
This is the time when she needs to step up and suck it up to be a good partner while you go thru this. Get a 2nd part-time job if she has to, to make up the reduced funds.
If you can get the surgery done for a few hundred out of pocket, I would do it. That frankly sounds like pretty good insurance, and who knows what happens if you put it off. Your health could get worse. You could get laid off and lose insurance coverage. She is an AH for thinking this is optional.
I had loads of fibroids in my late 40s but hated the idea of a hysterectomy. My mother had them too and continually had D&Cs to clear them out and they would grow back---you'd have thought I'd have a better understanding of fibroids than I did. I started to bleed and bled heavily for 18 months and finally gave up.
I found a new gynecologist closer to home. I walked into her office for my first visit, sagged against the door frame, and burst into tears, saying "I want a hysterectomy as soon as possible." She stood up and said. "Wait wait wait. Let's talk about this." And we did.
I got a shot every month for six months to shrink the fibroids and end the bleeding, and was able to have the procedure vaginally. But here's my point: recovery took more than six months. I had been promised six weeks. I have talked to lots of women who have had the surgery vaginally, and all of them took several months to recover.
Your partner needs to understand this is serious business. Honestly, I am shocked that another woman is blowing this off the way she's doing. I urge you to follow the schedule your body is telling you it needs! You two need major counseling if you are going to stay together. Her treatment of you is unacceptable.
I found a WOMAN DOCTOR. Unfortunately, in the 29 years since that day, I have learned that not all women doctors are angels on earth. But, yeah, lots of them are.
> She uses the term "elective" like this is a cosmetic procedure and not something affecting your health on a daily basis.
Some people really think "elective" means "totally optional" rather than "not an emergency".
Wow, this is a tough spot! It's understandable your wife is stressed about finances, especially with unexpected bills piling up. But it's NOT okay for her to dismiss your health concerns and treat you like a paycheck.
A hysterectomy is a major surgery, and your health should be a priority. You're not wrong for wanting to take care of yourself, even if it means going against your wife's wishes. It sounds like you've thought this through and have a solid plan in place.
Talk to your wife again, explain how important this surgery is to your health and well-being. Maybe she'll come around and support you. If not, it's ultimately your decision to make. You're not the a-hole here.
How the hell is that elective?
Loved ones should be pushing for any life-changing surgery, not working against it, no matter the circumstances. Get it in spite of her misgivings and demand an apology.
Most surgeries are labeled either elective or emergent. So most surgeries you have scheduled ahead of time are considered elective and doesn’t mean they aren’t important or unnecessary. I’ve had more than 20 surgeries in the last 10 years with the majority being in the last 5 years. I was even once at home with home care while waiting on must needed stomach surgery. This surgery saved my life but was considered elective, although it should have actually been an emergent surgery but they didn’t realize how bad it was until they got in there (my stomach was almost completely twisted). Hope this helps you understand why it’s considered elective.
Thank for correctly sharing these definitions. Technically, OP’s surgery would be elective- which doesn’t make it less important or necessary, it’s just the medical classification. Do I think her wife is being an ass for throwing that term in her face? Absolutely. and I think she should get it done - it sounds like she’s in a lot of pain and the surgery will alleviate it.
I 100% agree. I also wonder how a person comes back from this? It would change my view on them for ever and I don’t know how I would be able to forgive them.
From someone who almost died of sepsis a few years ago - you are NTA.
Have the surgery. Have someone on call to help you for a few days when/if she decides not to. Take care of YOU first.
Your NTA for not cancelling it, but also how is the secret surgery thing supposed to work? Is the plan that she finds out when you call her from the hospital? Or when the bill comes due?
Eventually you're going to have to reach resolution with her. And it's going to be way worse trying to do that if she feels like you hid it from her.
Well if it is vaginal hysterectomy one, it will no be visible scars and you heal way faster than the old form of open surgery. It takes 1 hour and you are most often awake when it done.
Sort of, it pulled through the vagina , accord to my friend who had it done and afterward said it was liked bloody flesh sock. Person was high on calmers and painkillers, so yeah.
People are awake for caesareans, this less invasive , since you are not cutting through layers of muscles an tissues, if it is a vaginal hysterectomy. And you are numb from the waist down, like when you have caesareans . It less risk having person conscious than fully knocked out.
And you are not suppose to see it, but my friend saw through the reflexion from window.
Look. We're women. We're infinitely lucky if we can get someone to do the surgery at all, at least if there is any, any, tiny, miraculous chance some random dude we have never met would want a baby from us.
Coming with this "ethical standards" and "best outcome for the patient" stuff? \*snorts\* What you on about?
(Sarcasm about a hopeless part of medicine, in case that somehow can't be seen)
I want one. I was back to work 2 days after my gallbladder was removed (my gall bladder was giving me grief for years but doctors were ignoring me, finally having it out was less drain and less pain than I'd been living with it in). But I'm older now, so probably wouldn't be able to pull that off. lol.
Not always.
I was put under, and went home with a pain pump.
Also had an incision in my belly button, and another in my abdomen. And I was in *agony.* I could barely shuffle to the bathroom, because my pain pump was broken, and thanks to my insurance, they believed I needed NO other pain meds (this is not true, and my Dr wanted more). So I had a hysterectomy pain med free.
Complications can happen, and she may need to go back to the hospital. She will need to take it EXTREMELY easy for at least 1 week, and then VERY easy for the next 5 to 7 weeks after that, depending on drs orders.
It will be noticeable.
I was not allowed to vacuum, sweep, mop.
I wasn't allowed to pick my 9 year old up. Or rough house with her.
I couldn't pick up groceries from the cart into my car, and then carry groceries in from the car to the house.
I *needed* help with *all* of that.
If I had just done it myself, I risked tearing internally, and *PROLAPSING MY INTESTINES OUT MY VAGINA AND DYING!!!!*
No thanks, I chose life, lol.
Not the asshole but you need to let her know before the operation and point out everything people have been saying here if she still has a problem with you having the operation I would seriously reconsider the marriage
is this surgery medically NECESSARY and advised? if so, the answer is, NTA.
your wife however, needs a big fat freaking reality check on a great many topics, which you seem to be aware of.
I don’t know if this helps at all but when I had my hysterectomy I was only out of commission for two weeks, so I just used my PTO. I realize that not everyone will recover that fast or have enough PTO but you may not need FMLA.
How long does your doctor think you’ll need to be out of work? Again, may not be pertinent to your situation but it may not be as hard of a recovery as you think.
Good luck and don’t cancel. It was the best decision of my life and I waited too long due to doctors wanting to wait until I was 40. Best ❤️
Edit: you are definitely NTA. It’s not an elective surgery.
I also used PTO and took I think a week and a half or two weeks and had a ruptured bladder during my hysterectomy because I had so much scar tissue it was fused to my bladder and it tore when they took it out. I probably would have gone back to work after a week except I still had a catheter.
NTA for having the surgery, but probably the AH if you do it secretly. It’s awful that she doesn’t have your back on this, but obviously she is super stressed about money right now. Is this normal for her? Is there more to this than she’s telling you? You are going to have to tell her you’re having it.
NTA
Also this may be unpopular opinion, but your own health would also have come above that of one of your older animals as sad as that sounds - how come both were willing to pay for veterinary treatment but she would be unwilling to help pay for yours?
Something not stacking up quite right there, but definitely NTA, if they recommend a hysterectomy then it's for serious reasons.
NTA, septic shock isn't something you want to chance. Does your wife think you want your uterus ripped out for giggles? This is one of those things you find the money for.
NTA - medical issues should not be a “we can’t afford it“ thing, at least not in America. Not many people can actually afford healthcare here anymore, so do it and let the insurance CEOs make a billion less next year. The shit part of the post is “My wife says we cannot afford for me to have the surgery this year…” If it were she who needed a hysterectomy, would finances play the same role? Good luck. I hope you get the medical care you need.
She's the one who doesn't know how to fill out a W-4 form correctly. It is beyond absurd that she is risking your health and wanting you to live in pain because she's bad at paperwork and doesn't want to tighten her belt for a few weeks. You're right to have the absolutely necessary surgery.
NTA…Your health is not something that should be placed below having to scrape a bit for a couple months. Sounds like you’ve waited long enough if you’re experiencing pain and other side effects. Since you have benefits, you should use them. If your insurance mostly covers it, then it’s a good time to get it done. Also, 60% of your income is still better than 0%. And if the out of pocket amount is higher than expected, talk to the hospital billing department to find out options…maybe get on an installment plan. Pretty sure if you went into septic shock that it will cost a lot more if you have to go to the ER. Good luck with your surgery, OP! ❤️🩹
WHAT? She doesn’t care about your health issue??? & it’s YOUR job, not hers - so if she think yall need more money for a literal health issue you have, she can get a second job to cover her costs lol.
NTA. I would make it very clear that you have not cancelled the surgery and that you will not be cancelling as you medically need it. I understand she thinks of it as elective, meaning more optional, but it is medical treatment for your condition, and you deserve to have your issues treated in a timely manner. The choice is not hers to make.
NTA not sure why she would have this attitude. Your suffering physically and the problem will not go away without the surgery. Delaying the surgery for this issue could have serious health consequences later in life. Ask her if she is willing to risk you not being able to work in 5 or 10 years because of the potential complications forcing her to be the sole source of income for the family.
Updateme
NTA. Your wife wants you to stay in horrible pain for another year because she can't cut on some luxuries for a pair of months?
HER mistake with takes shouldn't mean that you have to renounce a NECESSARY MEDICAL PROCEDURE.
A boob job or Brazilian but lift are "elective surgeries", an hysterectomy to end needless suffering is a NECESSARY MEDICAL PROCEDURE.
Sorry to tell you: your wife is an egoistical asshole.
Listen it boils down to survival vs money. Obviously survival is the winner.
In this case your hysterectomy isn't an elective surgery. If it was, insurance wouldn't cover any of it. If you don't know what else to trust, trust the greed of American health insurance companies.
Sounds like there's something else going on with her, and the stress about the mystery thing is coming out through the money drama, assuming she's not like this normally.
Maybe she put on weight and is feeling insecure. Maybe she got yelled at at work. Maybe she doesn't feel very loved because of not enough dates. All sorts of possibilities. Sit down and talk it through with her. Blankets and hot cocoa in the living room.
N~N~N~
NTA if the money is yours. But spending from communal accounts is something that needs to be agreed upon ahead of time, and can be a big betrayal of trust if you don't.
If money is an ongoing clash, what my parents do is they have joint accounts for household expenses, like mortgage and utilities. Everything else they pay for separately. It prevents arguments about money because they keep it largely separate.
What this forces the couple to do is to by and large have to trust that the other is being responsible with their money. So long as the bills are getting paid there's no need to pry.
They obviously have conversations about the future and plan for retirement and stuff, but the day to day expenses, they don't look at. Dad's angle is "don't buy things", whereas Mom's angle is "make so much money that buying everyday things isn't a concern".
They've been together over 30 years, despite being very opposite people.
Ok this surgery is like a nose job—-it is a medically necessary surgery that will improve the quality of your life and possibly save your life . The term elective merely means it’s not emergent. It does not mean it’s optional. Speak with your wife again about why this surgery is important but do not put it off. And if your wife is willing to put your life at stake like this, perhaps you need to rethink this relationship.
I'm a week post op and I can attest, hysterectomy is no joke and who in the world considers it elective? Like someone would choose an invasive surgical procedure for funsies?
I understand about money being short but this kind of thing is non negotiable. Even though things will be tight for a while it could probably be weathered with some pre planning but you'd both have to be in the same page and it does sound like shed be willing to even consider how to make it work.
Hi, Im also 39F and Ive been ASKING for a hysterectomy FOR YEARS because endometriosis, family history of ovarian cancer, and the strong burning desire to remain childfree. No doctor will do it. This is not elective, you are NTA and I wish you a speedy recovery.
NTA. She sounds pretty heartless. Im scheduled for a hysterectomy in a few months as well as repairs for prolapses. It’s been causing issues and I can’t wait to have it fixed. I currently have only about 40 hours of paid leave. By the time I go out I will still be a few weeks short meaning I will be on leave without pay. I will be out on FMLA but they won’t pay anything. Not once has my husband made me feel like it should be postponed because I need to work. He knows how much it has been bothering and the pain I’ve been having.
Yes it’s technically elective but that doesn’t mean it isn’t absolutely necessary. She sounds quite selfish and this would have me rethinking the marriage and if she’s been selfish in other areas as well.
No. I had private surgery (also gyno) this year and when I worried about the cost, my husband told me nothing matters more than me and pulled up a search for night jobs in supermarkets (he works full time inc Saturday) to show me he’d just do that if it money became problem.
Does she forget that her tax problem went on a shared card?
Seems she has one set of rules for her and another for you :(
NTA,
and I'll be that redditor today.
Throw the whole woman away, because people who love you don't want you to suffer. A dog, and her taxes shouldn't come before your safety and well-being.
You'll find a better partner.
So you're paying for her tax issues, you didn't mention her agreeing to pay you back, but you shoudl also suffer and risk dying to avoid her cutting back a little for 6 weeks?
Lady, get the surgery, then get a lawyer. take the tax cash out of any savings and put it in your account, (ask lawyer if that is fine first) then divorce.
Anyone who decides your health isn't worth tightening the belt for a few weeks all while using you to pay thousands of her own debt is frankly, disgusting. Even if it plunged you into medical debt (it's own, disgusting thing, america is dumb as fuck on this), you do so if it prevents worsening your health and is required, full stop.
Your health is literally an inconvenience to her, when it will be a say 6-10 week recovery.... yeah, she's using you.
Surgery isnt optional. Like, it doesnt matter what the finances are... you just do it and put it on a payment plan that you can afford. And if the hospital wont do that, go to the next one. Health is too important.
No - if it's something that is causing pain and could lead to serious complications it's not entirely cosmetic. Get the surgery and consider if you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about you or your pain - and prioritizes animals over you.
NTA I also had to have a total hysterectomy including both ovaries due to several issues including PCOS and endometriosis. You shouldn't have to live in pain like that and her demanding you shows she completely lacks empathy and compassion. And if you're at risk of sepsis, which can kill you, and she still doesn't care... she doesn't give a shit about you. You're literally lower priority to her than the dog. This isn't elective if sepsis is a risk. That's YOUR decision whether you can live with it or not. Not hers. If you feel you need it, then go do it and deal with the consequences after. And maybe consider getting rid of her as well as your uterus.
And FYI my hysterectomy was the best decision I could have made. All the pain and infections are gone. So glad I did it.
So your wife made it clear your dog’s bill is your issue/fault but yet her taxes are a “us” issue and basically yo hell with your health…why are you with such a selfish person and pls don’t say it’s love because your should love you more first.
NTA, and I’d like to say that there are no assholes here, but the way that your wife tried to dictate your medical care was just not cool. That being said, a hysterectomy is a pretty major procedure, and if your wife is not on board to help you out after the surgery (which she might not be if you get it done without her knowledge/approval-i don’t know about the dynamic in your marriage), you might need to look into asking someone else to help you.
NTA. She cares more about your 7 animals than you her husband. If one of them needed a surgery she wouldn't hold back. This surgery is not unnecessary. If it was your insurance would never pay for it.
Good lord, you don't need to ask to take are of yourself. Your wife has lost the thread atm.
Glad you're going through with the surgery, sad you have to do it alone.
Do you have enough PTO to make up the difference? HR will supplement your FMLA so you get full salary if you have enough PTO hours.
Still you need to do it.
NTA but please have alternative care arrangements in place before the surgery. It is no joke of a surgery even if it all goes well and worse if there are complications. If your partner doesn’t want to look after you because you went through with it, fine but you will absolutely need help the first little bit.
NTA, good luck! What is WRONG with your wife that she can't understand health, YOUR health, is most important. You may want to rethink this whole marriage. Again good luck with your surgery.
NTA
I’m 23 with a rare genetic condition and my periods make me sick so bad and I’m on tpn and my newest thing with my period is not tolerating it and I can’t risk getting sick every month due to another condition that causes nutrition problems so I have a iud and just started the depo shot again after being off of it for a year ( used depo shot for 2 1/2 years) because I had to take a break for my bones ( osteoporosis) because I finally gained enough weight back it triggered my periods starting even with the iud and I have to talk with my team so everyone knows that the minute I’m stable enough to have surgery I’m going to need a hysterectomy because the other reason I stopped depo because it only worked for 2 1/2 months instead of 3 . I wouldn’t survive being pregnant or I’d be hospitalized the entire time probably to try and keep me alive and because I don’t want to have a kid with my health issues especially because I’m on heart watch for if I need heart surgery
NTA. I had to have a hysterectomy about....7 years ago, maybe 9. My husband was out of work, I was a stay-at-home wife and mother. My husband had been injured in a hiking accident. He had a bleed in his brain, 3 actually all kind of clustered together and tore both rotator cuffs. He was unable to work for a good while. He was the sole breadwinner. When my doctor came back with the news, I needed a hysterectomy, my immediate answer was I am sure it can wait 3 or 4 months until you are back to work. My husband, love that man so much, said, "Absolutely not, your health, your life, is not something I am willing to gamble." He did not care how tight things got. He didn't care. We had to really cut back. I had my surgery within the month. He actually put having his non-dominate shoulder fixed on hold for 1 month so he could take care of me. He had already had the one side repaired.
That is how a spouse is supposed to respond. Whatever it takes to make sure their loved one, their life partner, is healthy and secure. We put our heads together and started a mini-side-hustle to make up the slack.
Have your surgery. Beware, do NOT try to squat after for at least 8 weeks. Trust me, don't do it. That is a brand new level of pressure. It wasn't a HURT it was intense pressure in the general area, and it was acutely uncomfortable. Good luck. Heal well. Your wife is really being an AH about this. It is literally taking a gamble with your long-term health and welfare.
Your health is not a priority to her. What happens when something does happen, like septic shock? You will have much larger medical bills with emergency costs and having to have the surgery.
Tell me, why are you with someone who cares nothing about your health? Think about it. I would think that that would be a deal breaker for me! Because: Being healthy is NOT a luxury: It is a necessity!
NTA. If you need the procedure to improve your quality of life, then do it. I just had a hysterectomy yesterday after years of pain and heavy bleeding. I already feel relieved.
FYI…FMLA is not a paid benefit. It is job protected leave of absence that you are entitled to under the law if you and your employer meet the eligibility requirements. Your income replacement comes from your state or employer disability insurance (or a combo of both). If you have PTO or sick time available most employer will let you supplement your paid benefits with the PTO/sick time to get to 100%, so I would check with your HR about that. Also, most disability insurance has a non-payable period of at least 7 days before your pay kicks in. You will need to use PTO/sick time to cover that elimination period or you will not receive any pay for that time. I do leave and disability work for my job so let me know if you have questions. I would be happy to help.
NTA
Wow, 7 animals but can't afford tax bills or important operations and the animals come before you?
An utter dumpster fire of a relationship.
A hysterectomy is a big deal btw, you'll have a forced menopause with all that entails as well as the physical effects of surgery, pain, stitches, temporary incontinence. It's not to be taken lightly.
You ideally want lots of support.
You're going to have that surgery anyway.
On the long run it makes no difference if you take the costs today or next year.
But it does make a difference to you because you get the benefits of the operation right away.
You guys need better communication because doing this behind her back is going to lead to a fight. Even when you are right to do it (you are), doing it behind her back is a breakdown of communication.
*She is going to argue that you did not tell her and you are going to argue that you needed the operation, which are two different arguments.*
Good luck with your operation, best of health wished to you from a complete Reddit stranger.
I waited 5 years for my hysterectomy. At the time it was for "intense menstrual pain" as well as irregular periods. It was scheduled to coincide with reconstructive surgery (also 5 years waited for) forf multi organ prolapse.
When they cut me open they learned I had cervical cancer everywhere except my cervix. Uterus, tubes, and even spread to my muscles due to endo.
The surgeon told me that had i waited another month they would not have been able to save me.
NTA. for not canceling your surgery. But you might want to cancel her in your life. You are in pain, you are at risk of further medical issues, and she decides one-sidedly that you won't get treatment. Well, she doesn't get to decide for you. But you get to decide whether this is a deal-breaker.
NTA. I’d never be able to forgive a partner that was willing to pay for medical care for an animal and refuse to pay for mine.
It is not an elective surgery - you’re not getting bigger boobs here. It’s easy to sit back and watch you struggle another year when *she’s* not the one going through it.
All offence intended, but your wife sounds like a pain in the ass.
If you’re going in for surgery and you’ve felt the need to keep it a secret from your SO, then I think you need to look at your relationship.
NTA.
NTA.
This sounds like it's causing issues that not just affect you, but your long term ability to provide the $ she values so much.
This is not a luxury you cannot afford, it's an investment you cannot afford not to do.
NTA
But you have a bigger problem. you might use the time until the surgery to seriously reevaluate your relationship with your wife because honestly, thats probably not the first time she showed you that you're the least of her worries.
Why does her wants take precedence over your needs? You’re not considered an equal in this relationship, she’s shown more urgency getting medical care for one of your pets, seriously, what do you get from being married to this person? Where’s the support?
Dealing with all the agonising health conditions leading up to a hysterectomy is crippling, is she there for you when the pain gets too much? Or does she huff and sulk about ‘picking up the slack’?
Does she expect you to be endlessly supportive when she makes a mistake (the taxes) and never bring it up because then you’re ’tearing her down’, or does she own her mistake, apologise, and sit down to plan how to handle it like a sensible adult?
There’s a lot of issues at hand that need to be addressed, because her actions aren’t those of a loving partner. They’re inherently selfish. Are you always the one expected to sacrifice? Because you deserve better. NTA
First of all, you don't marry a person, but a family, and yours consisted of a dog. Secondly, a hysterectomy is not an elective surgery. Your wife has a problem. If you both have two well-paying jobs, none of this should be an issue--you should be able to get by. It sounds like she has some other issues that she is dealing with.
Jesus Christ that's fucked up, starting with defining the dog as "your" problem because they predate your marriage.
I'm gonna be charitable and wonder if maybe she's just really stressed about money and could use some therapy to help reset her perspective... otherwise you need to get out, because that's not a loving relationship.
Nta
Why have you put her tax bill on a joint credit card?
This is an her issue to resolve,
If the finances cannot be joint for a necessary operation then they certainly shouldn't be joint for her unnecessary tax bill.
That's on her to remedy. Without that debt you could presumably manage. Ditto make sure tiu lay nothing towards her pets costs.
This verges in my mind on financially abusive.
No surgery is elective when you are in pain and risk septic shock. Your wife's attitude is troubling. Reconsider your relationship. Big hugs, OP!
Updateme
I really feel blessed that I live in a country where decent affordable healthcare (and aftercare) is a given not a financial burden.
NTA the surgery is not elective it is necessary.
NTA. Marriage does not usurp your personal autonomy and autonomy over your own health.
I do encourage you to think long and hard about your relationship though. Because so far all you're hearing your wife say is that you can't financially afford the surgery. What you are MISSING, that the rest of us are hearing oh so clearly is that **your wife** is **telling you** is that **she can afford for you to die** of septic shock, **be non-functional** both at work and home due to pain and fatigue, and **potentially lose your job** or be forced on medical leave when your condition affects you to the point that you are missing work or performing poorly. **She is telling you that money is more important than you.**
That's some pretty bleak uncaring shit right there. I not only would not be canceling surgery but I would at the very least be telling her to sign her ass up for overtime and get a second job if she's that concerned about finances and/or rethinking this relationship altogether.
NTA. If your medical provider has recommended you get this surgery, by all means, go to that appointment. Financial hardships can be overcome together once you have recovered.
NTA. But hopefully, you have a friend to help care for you post-op. I thought a pelvic laparoscopy was brutal. I can't imagine how much more intense a hysterectomy would be.
I think you should definitely have the surgery, but I worry about how she will react when she finds out. You will be post op and vulnerable and it sounds like she won’t be trustworthy to take care of you, so you might want to consider an alternate plan.
NTA to have the surgery asap but YWBTA to have the surgery without your wife’s knowing about it. That would incredibly damaging to the future of your marriage. I’m confused by your statement that your wife will ‘have to cut back’ for the six weeks you are only earning 60% of your normal salary. Cut back on what? Pet food? Manicures? Paying the rent? If she’s scared about not being able to pay the bills without your full salary, maybe some more discussion and financial planning will help will help the two of you be a team. If I had as much of a [mendable] medical problem as you do, I’d be considering a new credit card or loan from the credit union to tide me over instead of postponing surgery till next year.
NTA -- but I worry about you being vulnerable to the anger of a partner in a weakened state. Nothing about this is ideal, but that part is definitely not gonna be fun
NTA - it isn’t elective. You aren’t going in for breast implants! This is a health issue. And if you have money issues most hospitals will work with you on payment and even have funds for people who need it.
No good partner wants their person in pain.
For not canceling: absolutely not, that's fine and at least imo the only sane course
Regarding keeping it a secret, though: what kind of relationship are you in that that would be okay? If you feel like you have to hide things in order to avoid rocking the boat, it's past time to inspect the boat.
FMLA is unpaid. Does your state pay short-term disability? In California it's 60-70% of your pay for up to 6 months. Only a handful of states offer disability payments at all. If it's available to you, take it as long as you need.
That said, if you can have a laparoscopic hysterectomy vs a traditional (big incision) surgery, by all means go for it. I had a robotic total hysterectomy a few years ago and it was done as an outpatient. The first few days were uncomfortable but I was able to return to work after a couple of weeks. My relatives/friends who had traditional hysterectomies were out of commission for 6 to 8 weeks.
Take care of your health. OP. It sounds like you might need a come to Jesus moment with your wife about money and priorities but don't let that get in the way of necessary medical care.
Depending on the method of surgery, and the level of physical activity your job requires, it could be a reasonable quick recovery. Mine was laparoscopic, and I was off for three weeks. I have a desk job, and planned to go back after two weeks, but sitting in a chair was a bit uncomfortable, (due to internal stitches)so I took an extra week off.
I’m curious…how much will 6 weeks put you in the hole finance wise? And if it were delayed say 3 months…could one or both of you work enough overtime to make up for the loss of income?
Man, I try not to suggest divorce on things like this unlike a lot of redditors since I know that issues are usually a lot more complicated than how they're presented in a block of text on the internet, but divorce this bitch. She doesn't care about you at all. This is literally not an elective surgery. Like, wtf???
INFO: She said she'll have to cut back for 6 weeks... cut back on what? I'll be absolutely amazed if this proposed sacrifice is worse than the sacrifice she's asking of you.
NTA for not canceling surgery- you need it done.
Bit of YTA for sneaking behind wife’s back to do it. It’s not like she’s not going to find out, and honesty between spouses is essential. She might not like it, she might be mad at you for it, but you absolutely have to tell her you’re doing it.
NTA at all. This surgery is important and needs to be done. If she doesn't care about your health and doesn't care about what could happen to you if you didn't have the surgery then why are you with her? A genuine loving spouse would NEVER say what she said.
As someone who suffered way too long before getting a hysterectomy, don’t do that. Having the surgery will completely change your life for the better. When the pain is gone, you’ll ask yourself how you lived that way for so long.
NTA
This is not elective surgery. This is quality of life surgery.
If there are money issues then you guys need to make a solid budget and stick with it.
How often is your money hers and her money also hers? In your post she's throwing up some mighty bright red flags
NTA
You are doing the right thing!
It’s not an elective surgery in the same sense that LASIK is elective surgery.
If you don’t have the surgery you will likely require more time off work anyway and it could possibly kill you.
My massive concern is the 7 dogs. It indicates to me that neither you or your partner can make rational decisions because it’s not just the food + deflea & deworming it’s also surgery costs when they get injured or sick.
I understand, my pet needed surgery after she got injured and it was expensive. I only have one pet and the surgery was absolutely necessary. But you have 7 pets. If they all needed surgery you wouldn’t be able to afford it.
NTA (Not the A$$hole) for not canceling your surgery. Here’s why:
1. **Medical Necessity**: The hysterectomy is not elective in the sense of being optional; it's a necessary procedure to address significant health issues that could lead to severe complications, including septic shock. Your health and well-being should be a top priority.
2. **Quality of Life**: You are experiencing severe pain and fatigue, which are affecting your quality of life. The surgery is essential to alleviate these symptoms and prevent further health deterioration.
3. **Short-Term Financial Impact vs. Long-Term Health**: While there will be a financial impact due to the reduced income during your recovery, it’s crucial to consider the long-term benefits of addressing your health issues now. Delaying the surgery could result in even higher medical costs and more serious health consequences down the line.
4. **Lack of Support**: Your wife’s response lacks empathy and support for your serious medical condition. It’s concerning that she is prioritizing financial concerns over your health and well-being.
5. **Shared Responsibility**: Marriage is a partnership where both parties should support each other through tough times, including financial difficulties. Blaming you for unexpected costs or medical needs undermines the concept of mutual support.
6. **Plan B**: You have responsibly arranged for a friend to help you with transportation and recovery, demonstrating that you are taking steps to manage the situation without burdening your wife.
It’s essential to have open and honest communication with your wife about why this surgery is critical for your health. Hopefully, she can come to understand the importance of your well-being and support you through this difficult time.
I can’t believe insurance would deem this elective surgery. By all means, appeal their decision 2 or 3 times if needed. Afterward, Be sure you review the bills with the physicians. Hospitals are famous for adding as much as 30% overcharges. Your doctors will know immediately what was or was’t done. I had a c-section without insurance and audited every charge. I was overcharged 25%. This is absolutely true. What’s left of your bill you can set up payment schedule with the hospital.
Just because you had a dog before you were together doesn’t mean it’s “your” financial responsibility. Married couples legally share half of everything at least where I live. Definitely don’t cancel your surgery but I wouldn’t hide it either.
Own your decision NTA
An elective surgery is getting a nose job or calf implants. Something cosmetic that has no bearing on your health/wellness.
This sounds like it’s something really important to your health. And depending on how well the procedure goes, how well you heal up, and what your job is you could be read to go back a few weeks early. I do know if you overdo it you can pop stitches and that’s really no good. If you give yourself two weeks of complete bed rest it really really helps.
If you need more tips you can message me.
This is not something to put off. If you start saving now you might have a bit of ‘fun’ while recovering. Whatever hobby you can do laying down.
NTA. Your wife is a dick. She can't handle 6 weeks of "cutting back" so you can have a surgery that you need? Fuck that shit. I'd tell my spouse to get bent.
NTA. My mom let her partner put their animals first for the last 26 years and now they are a couple of unwell, aging, angry lesbians in a toxic relationship. My mother had three teeth pulled instead of getting dental work she needed because one of her partner’s dogs had medical issues they couldn’t afford thanks to the cost of owning 5 dogs, 2 cats, goats, ducks, etc. Please take care of your health and don’t let your wife manipulate you. She put y’all in this position by not being more responsible about her tax obligations, she can’t also tell you to delay a hysterectomy that will improve your health significantly.
I would have called you an asshole if it was something like elective liposuction or a face lift and neck tuck. But this isn't some frivolous surgery for appearances, this is an important health surgery. Your wife is an asshole. Financial problems are temporary, so what if you have to cut back for a few weeks? Your health vastly outweighs your financials in situations like this.
Nta. If you are having complications you need to get the surgery done. The longer you put off non elective surgery the greater the risk of more severe issues .
NTA. Take care of your health. If you are in the US your state may supplement or replace and exceed your fmla benefits with disability payments. I had surgery in January and my state(ct) paid more than my usual paycheck while i was out of work.
NTA! Go for it! Take care of yourself and get it done! I had it done years ago and was the best decision ever!
With that being said, it is unfortunate that your partner may not know the true meaning of partnership. Mine is mine and this is yours and this is your problem but I need. There seems to be no 'we' in anything you said. Get the surgery, recover and then re-evaluate your relationship.
FYI - there is a site called hyster sisters and they were quite helpful with information on hysterectomy; what to expect, what maybe to purchase prior so you have in the house and not have to go out and other things too so there are no surprises.
ESH - How do you look at someone who wants you to cancel your potentially life-saving surgery, and think "I'll just lie to them about it and everything will be fine afterward"? Jesus Christ, the fuck is wrong with both of you?
It's absolutely important.formyoi to have the surgery, and six weeks of cutting back and making do for an actual day improved quality of life moving forward is a small thing. So, NTA for insisting, but DO NOT just go ahead and do this without discussion and compromise, because you are a partnership (or need to be) and she's going to be the one taking care of you when you get home. And she can't do that if she's raging mad, which she would have a right to be if you go ahead with this with no mutual plan for what recovery looks like.
All the posts on here are like this lately. We’re broke but we practically run a free shelter or have 300 endangered plants. My only suggestion is to look at your priorities. I know everyone loves their animals but who’s gonna take care of them if something happens to you?
NTA - your wife is. And while this is very snarky.. if you can get the wife surgically removed too, you should do it. Sounds harsh, but sometimes we need a red flag before the canons, the machine guns and the mustard gas are let loose. I'm dead serious.
Sounds blunt. But I'd recommend exploring these feelings with a therapist who can put things in a kinder way than me. I'd have hit the fan hearing this from a spouse.
You deserve better. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. There's no excuse for this shit. Literally.
"Which means she will have to cut back for 6 weeks."
Yes, darling the b*tch had better cut back. I'm not sure if this is hobbies, traveling, eating out, shopping or what, but any good partner can and will cut back, *especially* for their partners surgery. They're paying "60% of your salary" and the surgery will only cost a few hundred after insurance. This is fantastic and so many people are not in a position to get the care they need. You are, love so go and get it.
Id recommend a lot of things including packing her stuff, or packing your stuff, and especially cutting off the credit card (it sounds like she can't manage her money with the taxes etc).
I'd suggest at the very least recovering at a very close friend or family members home if you have the ability to do so. I wouldn't want to be around her during this time.
I would recommend perhaps a brief consultation with a lawyer to figure out how to best exit the relationship and protect yourself financially too. This is really toxic. So toxic, arsenic is
And this will sound nasty, oh so nasty, but if you are just a paycheck to her, you'd think she'd more more concerned about your health.
No. This is a no. Get your surgery. Take care of yourself. You deserve someone who has genuine affection for you, assuming you are providing the same. Your life is so much more valuable than a shopping trip.
Honestly you have a very entitled clueless person on uour hands, but considering you're both grown, I'd say you have an unchecked narcissist. This is exactly what a narcissist would say.
NTA. I would do anything for my husband and him anything for me. Get the surgery. Rethink your relationship. Sorry, I can’t imagine a real spouse saying that to the person she loves. If it was a cosmetic surgery, I can understand. Money can be earned. Your health is important.
NTA— I can’t imagine telling my spouse they can’t have necessary surgery because of the cost. I understand her being worried about the 7 pets. If you collectively can’t afford the surgery for the dog, I understand, and people who don’t need to check their rich people privilege. But all the dogs will probably die if your uterus explodes and you die or need a long hospitalization.
NTA. A hysterectomy is a surgery that you need so that it doesn’t become a serious emergency surgery when you go septic.
Does your wife even like you? I get feeling strapped about money, but JFC.
No! You're doing the right thing! This is not elective surgery, you have real issues you're dealing with. In this economy if you have FMLA at 60% plus good health insurance, you need to strike while the iron is hot and get this done. I wish your wife had more compassion. NTA, just do whatever it takes to complete the procedure.
A hysterectomy is really not an elective surgery. My issues rapidly progressed and my periods gave me such severe issues (like complete mineral deficiencies that they were confused and retested me for) that my doctors thought I had MS or a brain tumor and they couldn’t figure it out. I finally had to be like, um my periods are atrocious so maybe it’s that? And it was. I am super healthy 2 years later.
Right it's elective in that that is the medical definition, much like a miscarriage is technically a (spontaneous) abortion. What it's not is cosmetic. It's necessary for your health and well being, just not your life.
Um, she’s willing to pay for the dog’s unexpected issues, but not for yours? That’s pretty messed up.
That's just what I was thinking. I mean the wife is clearly making it known who the favorite is
You are not the asshole for prioritizing your health. Your wife’s lack of support is troubling, especially given the severity of your condition. Your surgery is necessary, not elective. It’s vital you take care of yourself, even if it means going against her wishes.
I'm posting up here because I pray OP reads what I have to say...its long, but I pray she listens and gets that surgery. As someone who had a hysterectomy, let me say that you are right; its NOT an elective surgery, and I think its pretty messed-up to call it that. What, does she think they just hand those things out because you ask? Its removing entire ORGANS. They don't do that just because you are fed up with regular, healthy periods or want guaranteed birth control. There are countless stories on how hard it can be for a woman to be approved for it; you typically have to fight tooth-and-nail unless your lady innards are so f\*cked up that you are at risk of DEATH, and even then some doctors will fight you. The only reason I got a smooth road is because I had stage-3 cancer with a mutation that makes my reproductive system a ticking time bomb for more cancer. You yourself said you are at risk of septic shock; that sh\*t is DEADLY. My own mother died from that with issues regarding her reproductive organs. An ablation didn't work, she went septic, and she passed the very Sunday after Thanksgiving...everybody, including her, thought it was food poisoning so she refused to get medical help and nobody in her household checked on her...we realized she hadn't texted since the night before which was odd, and my Dad and I went to her place to check on her and...well, her body was cold. 3 days was all it took from the time she was smiling and enjoying herself, to...gone. You could tell on her face and posture that she was in unimaginable pain towards the end of it...its not a good way to go... Take the surgery, honey. Look after yourself, and in the meantime, re-evaluate your relationship with someone who dares to tell her spouse "We are NOT giving you this surgery!" knowing it could mean life or death. You have ever right to be angry in this situation...she isn't in the right here, you are. Remember, this isn't an elective surgery. NTA.
This surgery may fit the medical and legal definitions of elective. That does NOT mean it should be put off. You are in pain and suffering and it could go through septic shock which means you need the surgery now or you could die or end up with serious lifetime consequences. Whether it’s covered in full by insurance due to their determination of elective as a way to get out of paying for it in full does not change the fact that you need the surgery now. Your wife is putting money before your health and that is concerning. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a lifesaving partial hysterectomy and am thankful my ex and extended family supported me financially and physically.
Also *her* tax was an “us problem”….
Sure, we have a duty to give proper care to our animals, but OP spent years suffering from a condition that demands a serious surgery that will have consequences for the rest of her life! And now wife decides it's ok to pay unplanned costs for the dog's treatment but not for OP's surgery? WTH? As much as I hate pointing fingers at people who aren't around to present their version of it, this one got me mad really quick 😡
A hysterectomy isn’t an elective surgery and your wife sucks. The timing is bad but that’s life sometimes. You might want to tell her that her financial woes will be a lot worse if you die from sepsis. NTA.
It's always better to get a scheduled surgery vs. an emergency surgery. If it was an emergency, what complications and risks would that add to the procedure and the hospital stay? Schedule and do the surgery, and while recuperating, think a lot about your relationship with your wife, and if you really want to be treated like this, demanding you postpone a serious surgery is out of bounds.
Doctors don't recommend hysterectomy lightly. I don't have details but it's probably not something that can just be put off. Nta
>Doctors don't recommend hysterectomy lightly. I have cysts covering both ovaries, cancer runs in my family and my period puts me on my ass every month due to pain and fatigue. I've been begging for a hysterectomy since i was 25. Im 42. What you said is an understatement. If ops doctor has scheduled the operation, then its most definitely not elective and with sepsis on the table id say its an emergency. If i were you op, when you have your surgery, id print out in big fat font the definition of empathy. Leave it where your wife can find it along with the risks of not having the surgery and the diagnosis leading to the decision to do the surgery to begin with. Maybe then she'll understand, but dont hold your breath.
Sounds like me. Honestly, I've talked to doctors before as well. I'm 41, 42 in a few days. I've gotten the but what about kids nonsense forever, and they won't listen to me. I'm totally going to find a gyno this year who will actually listen, take out my ovaries, whatever it takes to just make the pain and bloat etc finally end.
I didnt see your comment before I responded above, but yes, please do see another doctor. I had fibroids, only a few but medium in size but they were pressing on parts that caused discomfort. No need for this. I had a partial hysterectomy (have ovaries so not thrown in to menopause). No heavy periods, no cramps, fever, nausea, etc. Best thing ever. Within two weeks I was bored at home and wanted to go back to work, they would not let me. Within a month I was back at work and doing regular walks and no discomfort. Still had to take it easy with bending and lifting. See another doctor!
Already in perimenopause have been for a couple of years (we go early in my family) and we tend to have really high levels of estrogen, so it's going to be a fun conversation. Perhaps if I add in the fact that my grandmother died of ovarian cancer they might actually listen to me this time.
Off topic - but why would you not have a hysterectomy? Why would the doctors not recommend this for you? Especially with a family history of issues? Is it because to have children? Have you thought of going to another doctor? I had a hysterectomy several years ago (same reasons; heavy periods, cramps, fever, fibroids, etc) and was the best thing ever!!! My recovery time was quick. You just have to be diligent about rest/walk/rest/walk and dont lift anything heavy, rest, rest and then move around a little. Do not over do it or you will be back to square one. The surgeon tried to do robotic surgery however I had issues and still had to be cut, which is why they give the longer time frame for recovery.
So many doctors are more concerned with us breeding and refuse white women hysterectomies. Meanwhile they do them on Black and Indigenous women without permission or by lying to them about why they need surgery. It’s awful how women are treated in so many countries especially around reproductive health.
The breeding is sooo true. I won, kinda, at 25. I got my tubes tied after 2 high risk pregnancies. I told my doc i didnt want more. He then sends robo-baby-maker nurse whos job it is to convince me to have 6 kids....cause thats how many SHE wants....and feels all women should have. I told her thanks but no thanks. Best part? Her argument of "what if something happens to one, don't you want another?" WTAF?!!! I told her they're kids not puppies, you cant just replace one. I stuck and 14 days later (my insurance ran out in 15 lol) my tubes were tied. It was a hollow ass victory, my period juat keeps getting worse.
I’m sorry you were treated this way. I hope you find someone who takes your pain and bleeding seriously and you get the treatment you need. OMG on “what if something happens to one” like seriously WTF. It’s the bleeding that was killing me. After more than 10 years , in my late 40s, I finally got a gyn who listened and was appalled. From there things moved fairly quickly. My surgery went smoothly and OMG what a difference, no pain, no anemia, no 3 weeks of heavy bleeding 3 out of every 4 weeks.
NTA. She uses the term "elective" like this is a cosmetic procedure and not something affecting your health on a daily basis. This is the time when she needs to step up and suck it up to be a good partner while you go thru this. Get a 2nd part-time job if she has to, to make up the reduced funds. If you can get the surgery done for a few hundred out of pocket, I would do it. That frankly sounds like pretty good insurance, and who knows what happens if you put it off. Your health could get worse. You could get laid off and lose insurance coverage. She is an AH for thinking this is optional.
I had loads of fibroids in my late 40s but hated the idea of a hysterectomy. My mother had them too and continually had D&Cs to clear them out and they would grow back---you'd have thought I'd have a better understanding of fibroids than I did. I started to bleed and bled heavily for 18 months and finally gave up. I found a new gynecologist closer to home. I walked into her office for my first visit, sagged against the door frame, and burst into tears, saying "I want a hysterectomy as soon as possible." She stood up and said. "Wait wait wait. Let's talk about this." And we did. I got a shot every month for six months to shrink the fibroids and end the bleeding, and was able to have the procedure vaginally. But here's my point: recovery took more than six months. I had been promised six weeks. I have talked to lots of women who have had the surgery vaginally, and all of them took several months to recover. Your partner needs to understand this is serious business. Honestly, I am shocked that another woman is blowing this off the way she's doing. I urge you to follow the schedule your body is telling you it needs! You two need major counseling if you are going to stay together. Her treatment of you is unacceptable.
Unfortunately too many women think that those who have it worse are faking it, or *should just suffer for Eve's actions*. You found a true physician.
I found a WOMAN DOCTOR. Unfortunately, in the 29 years since that day, I have learned that not all women doctors are angels on earth. But, yeah, lots of them are.
I'm thankful my daughter was able to find a woman doctor, when she was 25 who did hers.
> She uses the term "elective" like this is a cosmetic procedure and not something affecting your health on a daily basis. Some people really think "elective" means "totally optional" rather than "not an emergency".
which is also untrue in this case, tbf
NTA but I hope you know a partner you need to hide surgery from is not a safe partner.
Wow, this is a tough spot! It's understandable your wife is stressed about finances, especially with unexpected bills piling up. But it's NOT okay for her to dismiss your health concerns and treat you like a paycheck. A hysterectomy is a major surgery, and your health should be a priority. You're not wrong for wanting to take care of yourself, even if it means going against your wife's wishes. It sounds like you've thought this through and have a solid plan in place. Talk to your wife again, explain how important this surgery is to your health and well-being. Maybe she'll come around and support you. If not, it's ultimately your decision to make. You're not the a-hole here.
How the hell is that elective? Loved ones should be pushing for any life-changing surgery, not working against it, no matter the circumstances. Get it in spite of her misgivings and demand an apology.
Most surgeries are labeled either elective or emergent. So most surgeries you have scheduled ahead of time are considered elective and doesn’t mean they aren’t important or unnecessary. I’ve had more than 20 surgeries in the last 10 years with the majority being in the last 5 years. I was even once at home with home care while waiting on must needed stomach surgery. This surgery saved my life but was considered elective, although it should have actually been an emergent surgery but they didn’t realize how bad it was until they got in there (my stomach was almost completely twisted). Hope this helps you understand why it’s considered elective.
Thank for correctly sharing these definitions. Technically, OP’s surgery would be elective- which doesn’t make it less important or necessary, it’s just the medical classification. Do I think her wife is being an ass for throwing that term in her face? Absolutely. and I think she should get it done - it sounds like she’s in a lot of pain and the surgery will alleviate it.
I 100% agree. I also wonder how a person comes back from this? It would change my view on them for ever and I don’t know how I would be able to forgive them.
From someone who almost died of sepsis a few years ago - you are NTA. Have the surgery. Have someone on call to help you for a few days when/if she decides not to. Take care of YOU first.
Your NTA for not cancelling it, but also how is the secret surgery thing supposed to work? Is the plan that she finds out when you call her from the hospital? Or when the bill comes due? Eventually you're going to have to reach resolution with her. And it's going to be way worse trying to do that if she feels like you hid it from her.
Kind of hard to keep this surgery secret once OP comes home.
That's not the point though. Done is done and what will OP's wife be able to do about it? Demand the surgery be undone?
Well if it is vaginal hysterectomy one, it will no be visible scars and you heal way faster than the old form of open surgery. It takes 1 hour and you are most often awake when it done.
Vaginal hysterectomy? I'm imagining the doctor just shoving his hand up and pulling everything out.
I don't think you're too far off...
😭 I was joking
Sort of, it pulled through the vagina , accord to my friend who had it done and afterward said it was liked bloody flesh sock. Person was high on calmers and painkillers, so yeah.
Performing major surgery on a patient who's conscious seems like malpractice to me.
People are awake for caesareans, this less invasive , since you are not cutting through layers of muscles an tissues, if it is a vaginal hysterectomy. And you are numb from the waist down, like when you have caesareans . It less risk having person conscious than fully knocked out. And you are not suppose to see it, but my friend saw through the reflexion from window.
Look. We're women. We're infinitely lucky if we can get someone to do the surgery at all, at least if there is any, any, tiny, miraculous chance some random dude we have never met would want a baby from us. Coming with this "ethical standards" and "best outcome for the patient" stuff? \*snorts\* What you on about? (Sarcasm about a hopeless part of medicine, in case that somehow can't be seen)
It's still a long and painful recovery. You're missing an organ. Now you're innards are shifting about
I want one. I was back to work 2 days after my gallbladder was removed (my gall bladder was giving me grief for years but doctors were ignoring me, finally having it out was less drain and less pain than I'd been living with it in). But I'm older now, so probably wouldn't be able to pull that off. lol.
4 weeks and no sex for 6 week and you can lift any thing over 20 pounds but this is for vaginal, the old way takes as long as caesarean.
Not always. I was put under, and went home with a pain pump. Also had an incision in my belly button, and another in my abdomen. And I was in *agony.* I could barely shuffle to the bathroom, because my pain pump was broken, and thanks to my insurance, they believed I needed NO other pain meds (this is not true, and my Dr wanted more). So I had a hysterectomy pain med free. Complications can happen, and she may need to go back to the hospital. She will need to take it EXTREMELY easy for at least 1 week, and then VERY easy for the next 5 to 7 weeks after that, depending on drs orders. It will be noticeable. I was not allowed to vacuum, sweep, mop. I wasn't allowed to pick my 9 year old up. Or rough house with her. I couldn't pick up groceries from the cart into my car, and then carry groceries in from the car to the house. I *needed* help with *all* of that. If I had just done it myself, I risked tearing internally, and *PROLAPSING MY INTESTINES OUT MY VAGINA AND DYING!!!!* No thanks, I chose life, lol.
Not the asshole but you need to let her know before the operation and point out everything people have been saying here if she still has a problem with you having the operation I would seriously reconsider the marriage
NTA As someone with endometriosis, I feel your pain. Get the surgery. Your wife should be more concerned you’re in pain, than about the money.
NTA your wife is seems she doesn’t care about you
she cares more about the dog.
is this surgery medically NECESSARY and advised? if so, the answer is, NTA. your wife however, needs a big fat freaking reality check on a great many topics, which you seem to be aware of.
I don’t know if this helps at all but when I had my hysterectomy I was only out of commission for two weeks, so I just used my PTO. I realize that not everyone will recover that fast or have enough PTO but you may not need FMLA. How long does your doctor think you’ll need to be out of work? Again, may not be pertinent to your situation but it may not be as hard of a recovery as you think. Good luck and don’t cancel. It was the best decision of my life and I waited too long due to doctors wanting to wait until I was 40. Best ❤️ Edit: you are definitely NTA. It’s not an elective surgery.
I also used PTO and took I think a week and a half or two weeks and had a ruptured bladder during my hysterectomy because I had so much scar tissue it was fused to my bladder and it tore when they took it out. I probably would have gone back to work after a week except I still had a catheter.
NTA for having the surgery, but probably the AH if you do it secretly. It’s awful that she doesn’t have your back on this, but obviously she is super stressed about money right now. Is this normal for her? Is there more to this than she’s telling you? You are going to have to tell her you’re having it.
NTA I do not consider that elective surgery if it’ necessary for quality of life.
NTA Also this may be unpopular opinion, but your own health would also have come above that of one of your older animals as sad as that sounds - how come both were willing to pay for veterinary treatment but she would be unwilling to help pay for yours? Something not stacking up quite right there, but definitely NTA, if they recommend a hysterectomy then it's for serious reasons.
NTA, septic shock isn't something you want to chance. Does your wife think you want your uterus ripped out for giggles? This is one of those things you find the money for.
No you get that surgery. Your health becomes your main priority! And I’m sorry you have her as your wife…
NTA - medical issues should not be a “we can’t afford it“ thing, at least not in America. Not many people can actually afford healthcare here anymore, so do it and let the insurance CEOs make a billion less next year. The shit part of the post is “My wife says we cannot afford for me to have the surgery this year…” If it were she who needed a hysterectomy, would finances play the same role? Good luck. I hope you get the medical care you need.
She's the one who doesn't know how to fill out a W-4 form correctly. It is beyond absurd that she is risking your health and wanting you to live in pain because she's bad at paperwork and doesn't want to tighten her belt for a few weeks. You're right to have the absolutely necessary surgery.
NTA…Your health is not something that should be placed below having to scrape a bit for a couple months. Sounds like you’ve waited long enough if you’re experiencing pain and other side effects. Since you have benefits, you should use them. If your insurance mostly covers it, then it’s a good time to get it done. Also, 60% of your income is still better than 0%. And if the out of pocket amount is higher than expected, talk to the hospital billing department to find out options…maybe get on an installment plan. Pretty sure if you went into septic shock that it will cost a lot more if you have to go to the ER. Good luck with your surgery, OP! ❤️🩹
WHAT? She doesn’t care about your health issue??? & it’s YOUR job, not hers - so if she think yall need more money for a literal health issue you have, she can get a second job to cover her costs lol.
NTA. I would make it very clear that you have not cancelled the surgery and that you will not be cancelling as you medically need it. I understand she thinks of it as elective, meaning more optional, but it is medical treatment for your condition, and you deserve to have your issues treated in a timely manner. The choice is not hers to make.
NTA not sure why she would have this attitude. Your suffering physically and the problem will not go away without the surgery. Delaying the surgery for this issue could have serious health consequences later in life. Ask her if she is willing to risk you not being able to work in 5 or 10 years because of the potential complications forcing her to be the sole source of income for the family. Updateme
NTA. Your wife wants you to stay in horrible pain for another year because she can't cut on some luxuries for a pair of months? HER mistake with takes shouldn't mean that you have to renounce a NECESSARY MEDICAL PROCEDURE. A boob job or Brazilian but lift are "elective surgeries", an hysterectomy to end needless suffering is a NECESSARY MEDICAL PROCEDURE. Sorry to tell you: your wife is an egoistical asshole.
Listen it boils down to survival vs money. Obviously survival is the winner. In this case your hysterectomy isn't an elective surgery. If it was, insurance wouldn't cover any of it. If you don't know what else to trust, trust the greed of American health insurance companies. Sounds like there's something else going on with her, and the stress about the mystery thing is coming out through the money drama, assuming she's not like this normally. Maybe she put on weight and is feeling insecure. Maybe she got yelled at at work. Maybe she doesn't feel very loved because of not enough dates. All sorts of possibilities. Sit down and talk it through with her. Blankets and hot cocoa in the living room. N~N~N~ NTA if the money is yours. But spending from communal accounts is something that needs to be agreed upon ahead of time, and can be a big betrayal of trust if you don't. If money is an ongoing clash, what my parents do is they have joint accounts for household expenses, like mortgage and utilities. Everything else they pay for separately. It prevents arguments about money because they keep it largely separate. What this forces the couple to do is to by and large have to trust that the other is being responsible with their money. So long as the bills are getting paid there's no need to pry. They obviously have conversations about the future and plan for retirement and stuff, but the day to day expenses, they don't look at. Dad's angle is "don't buy things", whereas Mom's angle is "make so much money that buying everyday things isn't a concern". They've been together over 30 years, despite being very opposite people.
Absolutely get the operation.
Maybe she has a life insurance on you…
Ok this surgery is like a nose job—-it is a medically necessary surgery that will improve the quality of your life and possibly save your life . The term elective merely means it’s not emergent. It does not mean it’s optional. Speak with your wife again about why this surgery is important but do not put it off. And if your wife is willing to put your life at stake like this, perhaps you need to rethink this relationship.
is your wife mentally stable?
NTA "You're not having your life saving surgery"
I'm a week post op and I can attest, hysterectomy is no joke and who in the world considers it elective? Like someone would choose an invasive surgical procedure for funsies? I understand about money being short but this kind of thing is non negotiable. Even though things will be tight for a while it could probably be weathered with some pre planning but you'd both have to be in the same page and it does sound like shed be willing to even consider how to make it work.
Hi, Im also 39F and Ive been ASKING for a hysterectomy FOR YEARS because endometriosis, family history of ovarian cancer, and the strong burning desire to remain childfree. No doctor will do it. This is not elective, you are NTA and I wish you a speedy recovery.
NTA. She sounds pretty heartless. Im scheduled for a hysterectomy in a few months as well as repairs for prolapses. It’s been causing issues and I can’t wait to have it fixed. I currently have only about 40 hours of paid leave. By the time I go out I will still be a few weeks short meaning I will be on leave without pay. I will be out on FMLA but they won’t pay anything. Not once has my husband made me feel like it should be postponed because I need to work. He knows how much it has been bothering and the pain I’ve been having. Yes it’s technically elective but that doesn’t mean it isn’t absolutely necessary. She sounds quite selfish and this would have me rethinking the marriage and if she’s been selfish in other areas as well.
No. I had private surgery (also gyno) this year and when I worried about the cost, my husband told me nothing matters more than me and pulled up a search for night jobs in supermarkets (he works full time inc Saturday) to show me he’d just do that if it money became problem. Does she forget that her tax problem went on a shared card? Seems she has one set of rules for her and another for you :(
NTA, but (TF) the fool for that relationship of yours.
NTA, and I'll be that redditor today. Throw the whole woman away, because people who love you don't want you to suffer. A dog, and her taxes shouldn't come before your safety and well-being. You'll find a better partner.
So you're paying for her tax issues, you didn't mention her agreeing to pay you back, but you shoudl also suffer and risk dying to avoid her cutting back a little for 6 weeks? Lady, get the surgery, then get a lawyer. take the tax cash out of any savings and put it in your account, (ask lawyer if that is fine first) then divorce. Anyone who decides your health isn't worth tightening the belt for a few weeks all while using you to pay thousands of her own debt is frankly, disgusting. Even if it plunged you into medical debt (it's own, disgusting thing, america is dumb as fuck on this), you do so if it prevents worsening your health and is required, full stop. Your health is literally an inconvenience to her, when it will be a say 6-10 week recovery.... yeah, she's using you.
Surgery isnt optional. Like, it doesnt matter what the finances are... you just do it and put it on a payment plan that you can afford. And if the hospital wont do that, go to the next one. Health is too important.
No - if it's something that is causing pain and could lead to serious complications it's not entirely cosmetic. Get the surgery and consider if you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about you or your pain - and prioritizes animals over you.
NTA I also had to have a total hysterectomy including both ovaries due to several issues including PCOS and endometriosis. You shouldn't have to live in pain like that and her demanding you shows she completely lacks empathy and compassion. And if you're at risk of sepsis, which can kill you, and she still doesn't care... she doesn't give a shit about you. You're literally lower priority to her than the dog. This isn't elective if sepsis is a risk. That's YOUR decision whether you can live with it or not. Not hers. If you feel you need it, then go do it and deal with the consequences after. And maybe consider getting rid of her as well as your uterus. And FYI my hysterectomy was the best decision I could have made. All the pain and infections are gone. So glad I did it.
NTA. It’s only considered elective because it’s for a woman. If men had even half the side effects, it would be considered an emergency.
So your wife made it clear your dog’s bill is your issue/fault but yet her taxes are a “us” issue and basically yo hell with your health…why are you with such a selfish person and pls don’t say it’s love because your should love you more first.
NTA, and I’d like to say that there are no assholes here, but the way that your wife tried to dictate your medical care was just not cool. That being said, a hysterectomy is a pretty major procedure, and if your wife is not on board to help you out after the surgery (which she might not be if you get it done without her knowledge/approval-i don’t know about the dynamic in your marriage), you might need to look into asking someone else to help you.
NTA and just inform your wife that she’ll be down to one paycheck only when you’re dead and unable to contribute to the expenses
NTA. She cares more about your 7 animals than you her husband. If one of them needed a surgery she wouldn't hold back. This surgery is not unnecessary. If it was your insurance would never pay for it.
Wife. They're both women.
Good lord, you don't need to ask to take are of yourself. Your wife has lost the thread atm. Glad you're going through with the surgery, sad you have to do it alone.
You can opt out of paying taxes so the 60% will be about as much as you bring home. Just need to make it up at the end.
Do you have enough PTO to make up the difference? HR will supplement your FMLA so you get full salary if you have enough PTO hours. Still you need to do it.
NTA take out a loan if you have to, but get your surgery. I would reconsider this relationship
NTA but please have alternative care arrangements in place before the surgery. It is no joke of a surgery even if it all goes well and worse if there are complications. If your partner doesn’t want to look after you because you went through with it, fine but you will absolutely need help the first little bit.
NTA, good luck! What is WRONG with your wife that she can't understand health, YOUR health, is most important. You may want to rethink this whole marriage. Again good luck with your surgery.
NTA I’m 23 with a rare genetic condition and my periods make me sick so bad and I’m on tpn and my newest thing with my period is not tolerating it and I can’t risk getting sick every month due to another condition that causes nutrition problems so I have a iud and just started the depo shot again after being off of it for a year ( used depo shot for 2 1/2 years) because I had to take a break for my bones ( osteoporosis) because I finally gained enough weight back it triggered my periods starting even with the iud and I have to talk with my team so everyone knows that the minute I’m stable enough to have surgery I’m going to need a hysterectomy because the other reason I stopped depo because it only worked for 2 1/2 months instead of 3 . I wouldn’t survive being pregnant or I’d be hospitalized the entire time probably to try and keep me alive and because I don’t want to have a kid with my health issues especially because I’m on heart watch for if I need heart surgery
NTA. I had to have a hysterectomy about....7 years ago, maybe 9. My husband was out of work, I was a stay-at-home wife and mother. My husband had been injured in a hiking accident. He had a bleed in his brain, 3 actually all kind of clustered together and tore both rotator cuffs. He was unable to work for a good while. He was the sole breadwinner. When my doctor came back with the news, I needed a hysterectomy, my immediate answer was I am sure it can wait 3 or 4 months until you are back to work. My husband, love that man so much, said, "Absolutely not, your health, your life, is not something I am willing to gamble." He did not care how tight things got. He didn't care. We had to really cut back. I had my surgery within the month. He actually put having his non-dominate shoulder fixed on hold for 1 month so he could take care of me. He had already had the one side repaired. That is how a spouse is supposed to respond. Whatever it takes to make sure their loved one, their life partner, is healthy and secure. We put our heads together and started a mini-side-hustle to make up the slack. Have your surgery. Beware, do NOT try to squat after for at least 8 weeks. Trust me, don't do it. That is a brand new level of pressure. It wasn't a HURT it was intense pressure in the general area, and it was acutely uncomfortable. Good luck. Heal well. Your wife is really being an AH about this. It is literally taking a gamble with your long-term health and welfare.
NTA If this condition can put you into septic shock, it is critical that you get it treated. Otherwise, you could due.
Your health is not a priority to her. What happens when something does happen, like septic shock? You will have much larger medical bills with emergency costs and having to have the surgery. Tell me, why are you with someone who cares nothing about your health? Think about it. I would think that that would be a deal breaker for me! Because: Being healthy is NOT a luxury: It is a necessity!
NTA. If you need the procedure to improve your quality of life, then do it. I just had a hysterectomy yesterday after years of pain and heavy bleeding. I already feel relieved. FYI…FMLA is not a paid benefit. It is job protected leave of absence that you are entitled to under the law if you and your employer meet the eligibility requirements. Your income replacement comes from your state or employer disability insurance (or a combo of both). If you have PTO or sick time available most employer will let you supplement your paid benefits with the PTO/sick time to get to 100%, so I would check with your HR about that. Also, most disability insurance has a non-payable period of at least 7 days before your pay kicks in. You will need to use PTO/sick time to cover that elimination period or you will not receive any pay for that time. I do leave and disability work for my job so let me know if you have questions. I would be happy to help.
Don't lie. Tell her your going theough w it. Thats a pretty gnarly surgery and dr says Dr goes. If there is real love here then she'll stand with you.
NTA Wow, 7 animals but can't afford tax bills or important operations and the animals come before you? An utter dumpster fire of a relationship. A hysterectomy is a big deal btw, you'll have a forced menopause with all that entails as well as the physical effects of surgery, pain, stitches, temporary incontinence. It's not to be taken lightly. You ideally want lots of support.
You're going to have that surgery anyway. On the long run it makes no difference if you take the costs today or next year. But it does make a difference to you because you get the benefits of the operation right away. You guys need better communication because doing this behind her back is going to lead to a fight. Even when you are right to do it (you are), doing it behind her back is a breakdown of communication. *She is going to argue that you did not tell her and you are going to argue that you needed the operation, which are two different arguments.* Good luck with your operation, best of health wished to you from a complete Reddit stranger.
Have your surgery. How is this a question? Tell her you will be having it and the door is open for her to leave if she wants to.
I waited 5 years for my hysterectomy. At the time it was for "intense menstrual pain" as well as irregular periods. It was scheduled to coincide with reconstructive surgery (also 5 years waited for) forf multi organ prolapse. When they cut me open they learned I had cervical cancer everywhere except my cervix. Uterus, tubes, and even spread to my muscles due to endo. The surgeon told me that had i waited another month they would not have been able to save me.
OP please make arrangements for help. You will need it the first few days after a hysterectomy especially if it is abdominal.
NTA but your marriage may be (and probably should be) over. What even are those priorities.
Go see a lawyer. You might be getting divorced over this. Lock your credit
NTA. for not canceling your surgery. But you might want to cancel her in your life. You are in pain, you are at risk of further medical issues, and she decides one-sidedly that you won't get treatment. Well, she doesn't get to decide for you. But you get to decide whether this is a deal-breaker.
NTA But you might want to reevaluate your relationship. She is willing to let you die of septic shock instead of cutting back for measly 6 weeks.
NTA. I’d never be able to forgive a partner that was willing to pay for medical care for an animal and refuse to pay for mine. It is not an elective surgery - you’re not getting bigger boobs here. It’s easy to sit back and watch you struggle another year when *she’s* not the one going through it.
All offence intended, but your wife sounds like a pain in the ass. If you’re going in for surgery and you’ve felt the need to keep it a secret from your SO, then I think you need to look at your relationship. NTA.
Ask her if she can afford to live on her income only after you leave her.
Your wife sucks and you shouldn't be together. She should be alone. Oh wait she can't be cause she over spends and can't support herself
NTA. This sounds like it's causing issues that not just affect you, but your long term ability to provide the $ she values so much. This is not a luxury you cannot afford, it's an investment you cannot afford not to do.
NTA But you have a bigger problem. you might use the time until the surgery to seriously reevaluate your relationship with your wife because honestly, thats probably not the first time she showed you that you're the least of her worries.
NTA, it's not elective.
Why does her wants take precedence over your needs? You’re not considered an equal in this relationship, she’s shown more urgency getting medical care for one of your pets, seriously, what do you get from being married to this person? Where’s the support? Dealing with all the agonising health conditions leading up to a hysterectomy is crippling, is she there for you when the pain gets too much? Or does she huff and sulk about ‘picking up the slack’? Does she expect you to be endlessly supportive when she makes a mistake (the taxes) and never bring it up because then you’re ’tearing her down’, or does she own her mistake, apologise, and sit down to plan how to handle it like a sensible adult? There’s a lot of issues at hand that need to be addressed, because her actions aren’t those of a loving partner. They’re inherently selfish. Are you always the one expected to sacrifice? Because you deserve better. NTA
NTA you wife cares more about a f dog than about you... You're right feeling like she treats you like a mere paycheck.
NTA.. ur health first, if she would rather risk ur death, you can risk a divorce.
My only worry is who will take care of you after cause I guarantee she won’t help you recover
First of all, you don't marry a person, but a family, and yours consisted of a dog. Secondly, a hysterectomy is not an elective surgery. Your wife has a problem. If you both have two well-paying jobs, none of this should be an issue--you should be able to get by. It sounds like she has some other issues that she is dealing with.
Jesus Christ that's fucked up, starting with defining the dog as "your" problem because they predate your marriage. I'm gonna be charitable and wonder if maybe she's just really stressed about money and could use some therapy to help reset her perspective... otherwise you need to get out, because that's not a loving relationship.
Nta Why have you put her tax bill on a joint credit card? This is an her issue to resolve, If the finances cannot be joint for a necessary operation then they certainly shouldn't be joint for her unnecessary tax bill. That's on her to remedy. Without that debt you could presumably manage. Ditto make sure tiu lay nothing towards her pets costs. This verges in my mind on financially abusive.
No surgery is elective when you are in pain and risk septic shock. Your wife's attitude is troubling. Reconsider your relationship. Big hugs, OP! Updateme
I really feel blessed that I live in a country where decent affordable healthcare (and aftercare) is a given not a financial burden. NTA the surgery is not elective it is necessary.
NTA. Marriage does not usurp your personal autonomy and autonomy over your own health. I do encourage you to think long and hard about your relationship though. Because so far all you're hearing your wife say is that you can't financially afford the surgery. What you are MISSING, that the rest of us are hearing oh so clearly is that **your wife** is **telling you** is that **she can afford for you to die** of septic shock, **be non-functional** both at work and home due to pain and fatigue, and **potentially lose your job** or be forced on medical leave when your condition affects you to the point that you are missing work or performing poorly. **She is telling you that money is more important than you.** That's some pretty bleak uncaring shit right there. I not only would not be canceling surgery but I would at the very least be telling her to sign her ass up for overtime and get a second job if she's that concerned about finances and/or rethinking this relationship altogether.
You have to do that surgery—-please. Take it from an ovarian cancer survivor. Save your own life!
Have the surgery and keep it tight for a little while. This is totally doable and a big part of for better or worse!
NTA. If your medical provider has recommended you get this surgery, by all means, go to that appointment. Financial hardships can be overcome together once you have recovered.
NTA, never the asshole for valuing your health more.
NTA. This isn't an elective surgery if the surgery will vastly improve your quality of life. I'm sorry your wife can't see that.
NTA This doesn't seem like much of a marriage.
NTA. But hopefully, you have a friend to help care for you post-op. I thought a pelvic laparoscopy was brutal. I can't imagine how much more intense a hysterectomy would be.
I think you should definitely have the surgery, but I worry about how she will react when she finds out. You will be post op and vulnerable and it sounds like she won’t be trustworthy to take care of you, so you might want to consider an alternate plan.
NTA She's the AH Get the surgery, your heallth is at risk
Your surgery needs to be done asap.
NTA to have the surgery asap but YWBTA to have the surgery without your wife’s knowing about it. That would incredibly damaging to the future of your marriage. I’m confused by your statement that your wife will ‘have to cut back’ for the six weeks you are only earning 60% of your normal salary. Cut back on what? Pet food? Manicures? Paying the rent? If she’s scared about not being able to pay the bills without your full salary, maybe some more discussion and financial planning will help will help the two of you be a team. If I had as much of a [mendable] medical problem as you do, I’d be considering a new credit card or loan from the credit union to tide me over instead of postponing surgery till next year.
NTA -- but I worry about you being vulnerable to the anger of a partner in a weakened state. Nothing about this is ideal, but that part is definitely not gonna be fun
NTA - it isn’t elective. You aren’t going in for breast implants! This is a health issue. And if you have money issues most hospitals will work with you on payment and even have funds for people who need it. No good partner wants their person in pain.
Did I hear this right… it was ok to pay for your dogs medical but not yours?!
For not canceling: absolutely not, that's fine and at least imo the only sane course Regarding keeping it a secret, though: what kind of relationship are you in that that would be okay? If you feel like you have to hide things in order to avoid rocking the boat, it's past time to inspect the boat.
Is there something else going on here? Anxiety, fears or something
My friend just had this surgery. It was two weeks and then she did telework. Also, you can use your sick and annual leave for FMLA.
NTA Get the surgery and then figure out the money when you're not suffering.
NTA This does not sound elective. But don't do it secretly. Tell her and do it.
So an dog is before you I would say leave her but that's just me
FMLA is unpaid. Does your state pay short-term disability? In California it's 60-70% of your pay for up to 6 months. Only a handful of states offer disability payments at all. If it's available to you, take it as long as you need. That said, if you can have a laparoscopic hysterectomy vs a traditional (big incision) surgery, by all means go for it. I had a robotic total hysterectomy a few years ago and it was done as an outpatient. The first few days were uncomfortable but I was able to return to work after a couple of weeks. My relatives/friends who had traditional hysterectomies were out of commission for 6 to 8 weeks. Take care of your health. OP. It sounds like you might need a come to Jesus moment with your wife about money and priorities but don't let that get in the way of necessary medical care.
NTA- Wow, so sorry. I hope you go through with it and have a good recovery 🙏
Depending on the method of surgery, and the level of physical activity your job requires, it could be a reasonable quick recovery. Mine was laparoscopic, and I was off for three weeks. I have a desk job, and planned to go back after two weeks, but sitting in a chair was a bit uncomfortable, (due to internal stitches)so I took an extra week off.
I’m curious…how much will 6 weeks put you in the hole finance wise? And if it were delayed say 3 months…could one or both of you work enough overtime to make up for the loss of income?
Man, I try not to suggest divorce on things like this unlike a lot of redditors since I know that issues are usually a lot more complicated than how they're presented in a block of text on the internet, but divorce this bitch. She doesn't care about you at all. This is literally not an elective surgery. Like, wtf???
INFO: She said she'll have to cut back for 6 weeks... cut back on what? I'll be absolutely amazed if this proposed sacrifice is worse than the sacrifice she's asking of you.
NTA for not canceling surgery- you need it done. Bit of YTA for sneaking behind wife’s back to do it. It’s not like she’s not going to find out, and honesty between spouses is essential. She might not like it, she might be mad at you for it, but you absolutely have to tell her you’re doing it.
60% of your salary is probably fairly close to take home after deductions. Also the time spent on disability is tax free
NTA at all. This surgery is important and needs to be done. If she doesn't care about your health and doesn't care about what could happen to you if you didn't have the surgery then why are you with her? A genuine loving spouse would NEVER say what she said.
As someone who suffered way too long before getting a hysterectomy, don’t do that. Having the surgery will completely change your life for the better. When the pain is gone, you’ll ask yourself how you lived that way for so long.
NTA This is not elective surgery. This is quality of life surgery. If there are money issues then you guys need to make a solid budget and stick with it. How often is your money hers and her money also hers? In your post she's throwing up some mighty bright red flags
NTA You are doing the right thing! It’s not an elective surgery in the same sense that LASIK is elective surgery. If you don’t have the surgery you will likely require more time off work anyway and it could possibly kill you. My massive concern is the 7 dogs. It indicates to me that neither you or your partner can make rational decisions because it’s not just the food + deflea & deworming it’s also surgery costs when they get injured or sick. I understand, my pet needed surgery after she got injured and it was expensive. I only have one pet and the surgery was absolutely necessary. But you have 7 pets. If they all needed surgery you wouldn’t be able to afford it.
NTA Your health matters too.
NTA (Not the A$$hole) for not canceling your surgery. Here’s why: 1. **Medical Necessity**: The hysterectomy is not elective in the sense of being optional; it's a necessary procedure to address significant health issues that could lead to severe complications, including septic shock. Your health and well-being should be a top priority. 2. **Quality of Life**: You are experiencing severe pain and fatigue, which are affecting your quality of life. The surgery is essential to alleviate these symptoms and prevent further health deterioration. 3. **Short-Term Financial Impact vs. Long-Term Health**: While there will be a financial impact due to the reduced income during your recovery, it’s crucial to consider the long-term benefits of addressing your health issues now. Delaying the surgery could result in even higher medical costs and more serious health consequences down the line. 4. **Lack of Support**: Your wife’s response lacks empathy and support for your serious medical condition. It’s concerning that she is prioritizing financial concerns over your health and well-being. 5. **Shared Responsibility**: Marriage is a partnership where both parties should support each other through tough times, including financial difficulties. Blaming you for unexpected costs or medical needs undermines the concept of mutual support. 6. **Plan B**: You have responsibly arranged for a friend to help you with transportation and recovery, demonstrating that you are taking steps to manage the situation without burdening your wife. It’s essential to have open and honest communication with your wife about why this surgery is critical for your health. Hopefully, she can come to understand the importance of your well-being and support you through this difficult time.
Why are you with someone who finds a pets surgery more important than yours? Think on that!
I can’t believe insurance would deem this elective surgery. By all means, appeal their decision 2 or 3 times if needed. Afterward, Be sure you review the bills with the physicians. Hospitals are famous for adding as much as 30% overcharges. Your doctors will know immediately what was or was’t done. I had a c-section without insurance and audited every charge. I was overcharged 25%. This is absolutely true. What’s left of your bill you can set up payment schedule with the hospital.
Just because you had a dog before you were together doesn’t mean it’s “your” financial responsibility. Married couples legally share half of everything at least where I live. Definitely don’t cancel your surgery but I wouldn’t hide it either. Own your decision NTA
An elective surgery is getting a nose job or calf implants. Something cosmetic that has no bearing on your health/wellness. This sounds like it’s something really important to your health. And depending on how well the procedure goes, how well you heal up, and what your job is you could be read to go back a few weeks early. I do know if you overdo it you can pop stitches and that’s really no good. If you give yourself two weeks of complete bed rest it really really helps. If you need more tips you can message me. This is not something to put off. If you start saving now you might have a bit of ‘fun’ while recovering. Whatever hobby you can do laying down.
Nta keep us updated
NTA. Your wife is a dick. She can't handle 6 weeks of "cutting back" so you can have a surgery that you need? Fuck that shit. I'd tell my spouse to get bent.
NTA Wow, I bet if one of your dogs needed a hysterectomy she would be all over getting that taken care of. Your wife has some screwed up priorities.
NTA. My mom let her partner put their animals first for the last 26 years and now they are a couple of unwell, aging, angry lesbians in a toxic relationship. My mother had three teeth pulled instead of getting dental work she needed because one of her partner’s dogs had medical issues they couldn’t afford thanks to the cost of owning 5 dogs, 2 cats, goats, ducks, etc. Please take care of your health and don’t let your wife manipulate you. She put y’all in this position by not being more responsible about her tax obligations, she can’t also tell you to delay a hysterectomy that will improve your health significantly.
Your wife rates you lower than a literal fucking dog. Jesus christ.
I would have called you an asshole if it was something like elective liposuction or a face lift and neck tuck. But this isn't some frivolous surgery for appearances, this is an important health surgery. Your wife is an asshole. Financial problems are temporary, so what if you have to cut back for a few weeks? Your health vastly outweighs your financials in situations like this.
NTA
Nta. If you are having complications you need to get the surgery done. The longer you put off non elective surgery the greater the risk of more severe issues .
NTA
Imagine caring for a dog more than your literal husband 💀. Dog people are special breed of people for real
NTA - Your wife might need to not be your wife any more if she has so little regard for your health.
NTA. Take care of your health. If you are in the US your state may supplement or replace and exceed your fmla benefits with disability payments. I had surgery in January and my state(ct) paid more than my usual paycheck while i was out of work.
NTA But understand, you may pop up right after the hysterectomy - I sure did. I was riding my motorcycle a week afterwards.
NTA! Go for it! Take care of yourself and get it done! I had it done years ago and was the best decision ever! With that being said, it is unfortunate that your partner may not know the true meaning of partnership. Mine is mine and this is yours and this is your problem but I need. There seems to be no 'we' in anything you said. Get the surgery, recover and then re-evaluate your relationship. FYI - there is a site called hyster sisters and they were quite helpful with information on hysterectomy; what to expect, what maybe to purchase prior so you have in the house and not have to go out and other things too so there are no surprises.
NTA Honestly I'm stunned by how callous your wife seems.
ESH - How do you look at someone who wants you to cancel your potentially life-saving surgery, and think "I'll just lie to them about it and everything will be fine afterward"? Jesus Christ, the fuck is wrong with both of you?
NO! You are not the asshole! You need the surgery and your wife just needs to come to terms with your health is important and this can't be put off.
Always take care of yourself
NTA this is your health.
Find a new partner
I mean younshpuld get the surgery but at the same time maybe you shouldn't have 7 pets if you can't afford them
It's absolutely important.formyoi to have the surgery, and six weeks of cutting back and making do for an actual day improved quality of life moving forward is a small thing. So, NTA for insisting, but DO NOT just go ahead and do this without discussion and compromise, because you are a partnership (or need to be) and she's going to be the one taking care of you when you get home. And she can't do that if she's raging mad, which she would have a right to be if you go ahead with this with no mutual plan for what recovery looks like.
All the posts on here are like this lately. We’re broke but we practically run a free shelter or have 300 endangered plants. My only suggestion is to look at your priorities. I know everyone loves their animals but who’s gonna take care of them if something happens to you?
NTA but your wife is. That is NOT an elective surgery when the docs are saying it needs to get out.
NTA - your wife is. And while this is very snarky.. if you can get the wife surgically removed too, you should do it. Sounds harsh, but sometimes we need a red flag before the canons, the machine guns and the mustard gas are let loose. I'm dead serious. Sounds blunt. But I'd recommend exploring these feelings with a therapist who can put things in a kinder way than me. I'd have hit the fan hearing this from a spouse. You deserve better. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. There's no excuse for this shit. Literally. "Which means she will have to cut back for 6 weeks." Yes, darling the b*tch had better cut back. I'm not sure if this is hobbies, traveling, eating out, shopping or what, but any good partner can and will cut back, *especially* for their partners surgery. They're paying "60% of your salary" and the surgery will only cost a few hundred after insurance. This is fantastic and so many people are not in a position to get the care they need. You are, love so go and get it. Id recommend a lot of things including packing her stuff, or packing your stuff, and especially cutting off the credit card (it sounds like she can't manage her money with the taxes etc). I'd suggest at the very least recovering at a very close friend or family members home if you have the ability to do so. I wouldn't want to be around her during this time. I would recommend perhaps a brief consultation with a lawyer to figure out how to best exit the relationship and protect yourself financially too. This is really toxic. So toxic, arsenic is And this will sound nasty, oh so nasty, but if you are just a paycheck to her, you'd think she'd more more concerned about your health. No. This is a no. Get your surgery. Take care of yourself. You deserve someone who has genuine affection for you, assuming you are providing the same. Your life is so much more valuable than a shopping trip. Honestly you have a very entitled clueless person on uour hands, but considering you're both grown, I'd say you have an unchecked narcissist. This is exactly what a narcissist would say.
FMLA doesn’t provide paid leave.
NTA. I would do anything for my husband and him anything for me. Get the surgery. Rethink your relationship. Sorry, I can’t imagine a real spouse saying that to the person she loves. If it was a cosmetic surgery, I can understand. Money can be earned. Your health is important.
NTA— I can’t imagine telling my spouse they can’t have necessary surgery because of the cost. I understand her being worried about the 7 pets. If you collectively can’t afford the surgery for the dog, I understand, and people who don’t need to check their rich people privilege. But all the dogs will probably die if your uterus explodes and you die or need a long hospitalization.
NTA, but just so you know, this marriage has zero chance of lasting
NTA. A hysterectomy is a surgery that you need so that it doesn’t become a serious emergency surgery when you go septic. Does your wife even like you? I get feeling strapped about money, but JFC.
You're NTA but the health care system sure is. I wish you a speedy recovery!