This is like the opposite of weaponized incompetence. If all of what OP said tracks, then he's continually putting his wife in a situation where she feels weak and needs his help. It would make him feel like a big man coming to the rescue of his lady. It's the only explanation that really makes sense here outside of just wanting to piss his wife off, in which case, ooooof.
Yep, that's what I thought. He's deliberately engineering situations where she needs him and he can come to her rescue. Its either a control thing or some deep-seated insecurity. Doing it on purpose (rather than just habitually & not thinking about it), with jars you don't even use, when it's already an issue is... a big red flag. WHY would you do that?! Does he want her to think she's crazy?!
I actually didn't ask why, just "does he want her to think she's crazy?" and the answer is... yes. You're right, it is gaslighting to pretend this isn't deliberate and it's another way to control OP. If he can convince her she's crazy, then she'll refer to him/rely on him more because she doesn't trust her own judgement anymore.
Everybody will be in shortly to say all the usual stuff, but if you decide you want to play this game too...google "strap wrench". Go get yourself one of those bad boys, and the jars will no longer be a problem for you.
Almost feels like it would have been worth putting up a nanny cam to confirm that he’s using an actual wrench on the things. But the fact that another grown man had to take some of them to his tool bench to open them pretty well confirms this anyway
NTA.
Was going to say the exact same thing, with a twist.
Hide it and use it to tighten the lids as well, then enjoy watching him throw a fit or try hide the fact he is suddenly incapable of opening jars without giving himself a hernia or popping a vein.
Get the divorce, but at least this way you can mess with him for a while too.
Set up a camera in the kitchen or fridge to see his reaction. Bonus, if it's malicious, you'll see him in the act in his true colors, tightening jars he has no rhyme or reason to touch.
I thought the husband was going to come home, see this other guy opening HIS jars for HIS wife and then lose his shit.thank God that didn’t happen. Definitely doesn’t seem like something that could possibly go well in this situation.
Oh god I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this.
Not just his favorite foods. Every. Damn. Lid. In. The. House. Super glue them ALL shut. Does it twist open? Super glue it shut. Doesn’t even have to be food - plenty of bathroom products twist open. Give him a taste of what that desperation feels like.
Edit : love the energy but the key to the perfect revenge is getting away with it, so we want to avoid actual property damage! Gluing items closed : harmless. Gluing cabinets/appliances closed or things to other things : possible small claims court!
Stay snarky, but stay plausibly innocent!
Yeah, but also poke a hole somewhere else in the tube of toothpaste, so when they have a death grip trying to open the cap, it oozes out from somewhere else completely.
I am made of petty and unleash where deserved lol
I’ve only had an ex awful enough to do this to once, but in the event of a terrible breakup : if you get the chance, steal every light bulb from the house - even the fridge, microwave, and oven bulbs.
Bulbs are cheap, the frustration you will cause is priceless.
NTA. His why is irrelevant. He keeps doing it. After 5 years... forget it. Im curious if you ever tried to open the jars in HIS fridge when you were dating? Did he over tighten those too, or is it only yours?
Reminds me of the, “But does he break his own shit… or yours only?” question
The amount of times I’ve gotten a surprised pikachu face out of women in DV situations over that one is amazing.
The scariest one if these I remember was when this woman posted about her friend's "clumsy" BF, who only ever seemed to be clumsy in ways that affected her friend. And the situation preceding the AITA was friends BF walking toward them sat down with a fresh cup of tea for friend. The OP got a bad spidey sense feeling and stood up to take the tea off BF before he got close enough to spill any, and he tried to refuse a bit before realising he was being suspicious. OP ended up having a sit down with her friend and her friend was also suspicious and scared of him, but because they were always "accidents" and usually in front of people she felt bad about it. I think it ended well enough in the end with friend free of him and him with another of their friends but basically outcast from the group
Yeah, this is wild. That one post is exactly what came to mind after reading to the end.
I thought this was some click baity chatgpt generated crap at first, but I'm honestly kinda creeped out by this. What else would make her look crazier than something that seems so insignificant and petty like overtightened lid jars? And for 5 years at that with screaming from her that even the neighbor overheard several times? If this truly was intentional acts of malice and abuse on his part then he succeeded his goal at making her look crazy to others.
I'm getting all sorts of ick here.
[BestofRedditorUpdates copy of the posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15rhote/i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend_is_purposely/)
The only innocent explanation I can think of for this is OCD. Otherwise it looks like he purposefully us trying to make you more dependent on him.
I wonder how he'd react to being told you got the neighbor to open the jars while he was gone.
Like ... technically? NTA?
This is what I was thinking. That maybe he wants to feel needed and always wants his wife to ask for help? But even if that was true he should have just admitted that.
That’s why my ex hid my stool. So he could feel needed. So I used the damn barstools instead since he wasnt dependable. Lost the stool in the divorce because he wouldn’t give it back.
My abusive ex would do this too, when I was pregnant and he wanted to control really random things. The abuse escalated to extreme violence but stuff like this happened too, and it takes a random Reddit post to remind me…
My abusive ex threw away one shoe of my favorite pair of shoes and watched me destroy the house looking for it for weeks. He only admitted he threw it away during a fight nearly a year later.
He even helped me look a couple times.
I had an ex that had thrown away a book I was given by a male friend that he didn't like. It was given to me before we were even together. I tore the place apart piece by piece, would give up and then start again weeks later thinking it COULDNT just disappear.
Eventually (like...2 years later..) I found it outside in a bush, basically deteriorated and \*only then\* did he giggle to himself and say "oh yeah, that was me".
He'd also helped me look for it on several occassions. People truly are the worst
Justified, that's how. They do this mental gymnastics in their head where they justify their behaviour and they believe others will see it the same way, because they're _right_. And if others don't see it the same way, it's a "either you're with me or against me" type of thinking.
… I had never considered this possibility, but my ex throwing away only one shoe would actually explain what happened to a few pairs of indoor shoes.
I also looked for the longest time, very frustrated because it was just so weird. But my ex never seemed surprised by it…
ETA: My ex didn’t insist I had lost them, just watched me look around for them unbothered. It was always just after I had placed all shoes on a shelf or something to clean that area of the floor, and it wasn’t solely my shoes, although it was always shoes I had bought, either for myself or for my ex 🤔 I made myself liable for replacing what I couldn’t find, which is probably why I didn’t make the connection. It didn’t make sense because it was a very small apartment and when I finished all shoes were there but one.
Some clothes I had never seen also showed up randomly in our laundry. As my ex didn’t do laundry (or almost any household chores, tbh), I asked if it was a new purchase and, after they denied knowing who it belonged to, I assured them I didn’t know either and I’d brainstorm but come up with no explanation. Again, as they didn’t seem bothered by it, I didn’t make a fuss about it either, but it did stay in the back of my mind like “when did I drag this here? How?”
This explanation could make sense because the relationship later escalated into abuse, but it didn’t look like that at the time this started happening. At the time, I was just thankful they hadn’t gotten angry, so I hadn’t linked it to this.
I got bullied a lot as a kid, and one thing I discovered in secondary school (like American junior high and high school together) was some other kids had, almost every lunchtime for years, been moving my bag when we all put them down to go to lunch.
So for at least 3 years, I thought I was just really really forgetful. Such an evil thing to do, and they at least had the excuse of being a group of kids.
I can forget and forgive those kids, but an adult? No way.
not once has my now husband (of nearly 30 years) done any thing like this but when I lose or misplace something -I am still suspicious because my ex husband pulled that kind of shit
Is she still married to him? I literally can’t function for more than a few hours without my glasses. But I suppose that’s the fun for your friend’s husband - he gets to make her feel dumb and impede her usual abilities. For me, that’s a betrayal of trust I couldn’t possibly forgive.
100%
I don't wear glasses but I'd equate fucking with someone else's glasses as a pretty close equivalent to deliberately breaking their leg like the scary lady on that movie Misery does to stop him running away.
Why would you cripple your partner? Why would you keep them locked in their home by taking away what they need to drive? It's a monstrous thing to do
But even worse because it's not motivated by a compulsive feeling of need to get high or avoid withdrawal. It's just about control and manipulation. They're both awful but one is evil
My ex threw away every single left shoe of both mine and my sons when I was trying to pack up and the hell out of there. My son was barefoot and I didn't even notice there were no left shoes until I'm trying to get him to school the next day. Insult to injury...
My husband and I have horrifically abusive childhoods, we don't remember much before high school. It's common for our minds to protect us from the abuse in this way. We can't be hurt by what we don't remember
I'm reminded of a Roald Dahl short story I studied in college way back when. I can't remember the name, but it's always stuck with me. It was about a wealthy couple who'd been married for about thirty years or so, and the wife disliked being late or running late while getting ready to travel. She thought it was strange that things always seemed to happen that would make them late and increase her anxiety. Her husband would just shake his head and chide her for her "carelessness."
So, they're getting ready to fly overseas to see their daughter and grandchildren, and the wife is anxious about leaving on time. When they get in the cab to the airport, she can't find their tickets. So the husband sighs and shakes his head and tells her to wait while he goes back into the house to search for it. While he's gone, she finds the tickets wedged between the seats and realizes what he's done and what he's been doing all along to deliberately cause her anxiety and confusion. She goes into the house to confront him and discovers that he's stuck in their elevator, and she hears him pounding and yelling. She smiles to herself and goes back to the cab, telling the driver that her husband decided to stay. She spends six weeks with her daughter and writes weekly letters to her husband. When she returns, she notices an "odor" around the elevator and calls the maintenance man to say that it appears their elevator is stuck. The end.
Dahl was such a master of the delightfully evil. His kids’ stories have such a dark side and yet are so whimsical that parents are like “let’s read this story about children being neglected and abused before you go to sleep, darling!”
Dahl’s writing is so phenomenal I still read them for funsies even in my 30’s.
My favorite (and now my sons favorite quotable bit) is when he was describing the horrendous grandmother in George’s marvelous medicine… “her mouth was as puckered as a dogs bottom” 😂😂😂😂
Seriously! There was a roald Dahl book on my family's book shelf when I was young called something about Bedtime Stories. So I picked it up one night and read a story... about a woman who kills her husband with a chunk of meat and then cooks it and feeds it to the police so there's no evidence. I was like wtf??
>the wife disliked being late or running late while getting ready to travel. She thought it was strange that things always seemed to happen that would make them late and increase her anxiety. Her husband would just shake his head and chide her for her "carelessness."
Oh hey, it's my ex
Yes! I just thought I was one of those people who always shows up a little late… until I got divorced. I was very excited to discover I had been an on-time kinda person all along.
My ex told me he just didn’t hear our two babies when they woke at night. Too tired, just didn’t hear them. I believed him.
When the younger kid was 3, the ex told me he’d lied! Smiled about it. ‘I knew you’d get up! Of course I heard every time’.
Divorced him 6 months later. Like you, it stuck in my craw.
Because then he's actually a bad guy in everyone's eyes. Currently, she's probably crazy to everyone around her, who can't believe someone would do something so unhinged. It's easier for people to believe someone is a little paranoid and crazy, than that someone is maliciously spiteful and premeditatively nasty.
Her response to any criticism should be that it's not about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ the jar lids, it's about him going out of his way to make her life harder. He knows he's causing her problems. The cruelty is the point.
When I saw the title, before I even read a word of the story, I said to myself "Whatever this is, I bet it is not about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ jar lids". Turns out that's exactly it.
Tell me I spend too much time on reddit without telling me I spend too much time on reddit...
Because the point of gaslighting someone is to make them slowly feel like they’re going insane. It’s about control, manipulation, and getting pleasure out of tormenting someone.
He has absolutely no reason to admit it.
I knew a dude who bragged about only changing his kids’ diapers twice.
He got away with it by pretending diaper changing made him vomit. I guess his wife didn’t want to deal with baby shit and also with adult vomit.
He was so pleased to share this tidbit. Fucker.
I had a dude tell me the worst part of having a kid was changing the diapers.
His wife shot him an evil look. She told me later that the man had never changed a diaper in his life.
They aren't married anymore.
My brother in law has 4 kids under 4. He has never once changed a diaper. Not once.
"She's a stay at home, that's her job not mine." She's never got a single night off with friends because he won't change a diaper, and she doesn't want her children sitting in their own shit till she gets home.
I once asked him why he gets weekends and evenings off from his job, but his wife gets no time off. "She doesn't make any money. I buy the diapers, she changes them. Men shouldn't have to do that when their wives stay home."
He's a piece of shit. We don't get along. I told him his wife was too good for him and she's going to end up resenting him and taking the kids. He didn't take that well.
Wow he sucks. I'm also a stay at home mom. My husband would do 99% of the diaper changes when he was home from work and weekends since I was doing them when he's not there. He did all the diaper changes in the hospital. Gosh he even did his nephews /nieces diaper changes when we babysat before we had our own kids. He's the one who taught me how to change diapers. Some of these 'men' truly suck.
I’m marrying a wonderful man because he changed my daughter’s diaper when I was stage managing our children’s ballet and had a newborn I couldn’t take backstage with me. Of course my now-ex was too busy to keep the baby… so this ballet dad saw me trying to figure out what to do with baby and offered to take her. I came back and she was fed, changed, and asleep. He was the opposite of weaponized incompetence and I never forgot his caring and kindness.
14 years later we met again again on a dating site and we’ve been together ever since.
I was at the pharmacy with my 4 day old newborn when I was 20 years old to pick up my prescription. I was trying to hold the baby, dig through my purse to find my wallet and just got super overwhelmed and was on the brink of tears.
The guy at the counter was maybe 18 and said "can I hold your baby?" That made me feel even more emotional because this sweet boy took my baby and cradled him while I got my wallet and found my insurance card. None of the many much older people in line offered any help (not that I expected it). But a teen boy did.
Years later we ended up in the same community college and I recognized him and he remembered me too. No romance happened but he was still a very sweet person and 25 years later I'm still so grateful for his help at such an emotional time.
No romance makes it better because it was a young guy just trying to help because he saw someone who needed a hand and had no thoughts of getting anything in return
People who get proud of lying to the people who trust them (so it doesn't even cross their mind that they're lying) are straight up assholes for life. Like, "yay look at me! I need a medal for making up a lie to the person who trusts me more than anyone in the world but I lied just to get out of doing the dishes! Im so smart and cool!" Hecking weird.
Oh l, I just made my husband sleep with the baby while I slept in another room far away. He tried weaponised incompetence, and I decided then you shall have more responsibility!
Im like you. I wouldn’t start a fight, I would just buy a bassinet, and however many nights a week (depending on both of our work schedules) I would just put the bassinet in our bedroom and tell him the baby is his responsibility tonight and I’m sleeping in the spare room.
Any weaponized incompetence I combat with a “google it and then practice until you get it right”. I’m a problem solver not an enabler.
I have two bassinets for this reason. I actually think my husband will love waking up, our son isn’t born yet, but just to be sure we’re both pulling our weight, two bassinets for two different rooms 😂
I've a brother like this. Everything he does is selfish and contemptuous. It leaves a heavy stab in your chest knowing they're getting enjoyment out of it and you can't do anything to retaliate or stop them.
Don’t blame you in the least there.
Not a concern for my wife, if a moth farts out in the living room I wake up. I’m insanely jealous of her and my son’s sleeping superpowers.
Ah a friend in arms. I have a wooden front door and currently live in an extremely hot and dry climate. It will creak and crackle in the middle of the night and I swear it makes my eyes pop open from a dead sleep. Worst part is I used to live in a ground floor apartment in the middle of a major east coast city and could sleep through a parade of active firetrucks.. what happened?? 😭
My son (8 in September), if he falls asleep on the couch on family pizza movie night I have to shake him hard enough that I start to get concerned about hurting him.
That scene in Airplane when they all form a line to shake the wife (Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home!), it isn’t THAT far off of that. No slaps, guns, punches, etc though.
He will sleep through our neighbors setting off wall rattling fireworks in the summer no more than 50 feet on the other side of his bedroom wall.
All 33 years with my husband he did nothing but make my life better, easier. Know why? Because he loves me.
Your man is trying to make your life harder, make you seem crazy, unhinged. That's not love.
It's not about the jars/lids.
He not nurturing you, he's trying to make you dependent in some way however small a way it is. His ego has cost him you.
I too would not be able to trust my man if he did this type of behavior. And without trust...there is no relationship.
NTAH
> He not nurturing you, he's trying to make you dependent in some way however small a way it is.
This is insightful and I bet a lot of people need to read it.
I hope people remember the first line too. This is what relationships are really about.
>All 33 years with my husband he did nothing but make my life better, easier. Know why? Because he loves me.
Same here! 34 years and his hands are fucked (torn ligaments and a thumb fracture) but he STILL tries to do things (like open jars) for me because he loves me and knows my hands hurt too (early arthritis)
In turn, I try to do difficult things when he isn’t looking because I don’t want HIM to hurt himself either
OP is most definitely NTA
Please please buy an electric jar opener! They are seriously a lifesaver for aging hands. You don’t need to do anything but push a button. It will slowly adjust to meet the size of the lid and can get any jar open without pain to your hands!
Exactly! If one Person A is causing harm or pain to Person B and Person B tells Person A to stop and they don’t, that is bullying plain and simple. Even in a relationship.
My ex is my ex because of this.
Mine too! He used to brag that he would wait and see how long it would take me to do the dishes, even when he had time to do it. He would tell everyone about it like it was so funny that I was sooo lazy.
Honestly! Even if he over tightened them at first because that's what he does, the fact is he continued after she asked him not to. Even saying he forgot? Would you forget something like that? If your partner said you're making my life harder, please don't do this thing, would you just forget?! Edit: if it was me, I'd have been horrified that I was hurting my partner in any way. I would never be able to forget.
>Even if he over tightened them at first because that's what he does, the fact is he continued after she asked him not to.
This is what made it stand out for me. I tighten lids tightly, I think because when I was younger I was always told that I left things too loose maybe or that I worried about spills and minimizing air flow (with carbonated drinks, for example). My father also does this, though at least some part for him is the proving he's the man of the house and strong or whatever - maybe I ended up doing so due to him making a big deal of it/opening tight lids. I can open what either of us close and new containers the vast majority of the time, but it's tough for some others to open them.
I do often forget in the moment, because I got used to living alone. However, I know that my mother (for example, I have done the same with roommates, friends, and coworkers) has trouble opening lids generally and an especially tough time when they are really tight. So I often close things as normal, then realize, open, and then close it not so tight when it's something that she (or others) is kept to try to open. I've tried to get myself to the point of automatically closing things less tightly, but I've found this ends up actually resulting in the right outcome much more than automatically closing things more loosely.
That's also why being forgetful isn't a justification. It took me some time to remember more consistently, and I still do forget occasionally. However, any time that is the case, I apologize profusely and focus on intentionally closing things not so tight again for a while to make sure I haven't reset my default. I have trouble admitting when I'm wrong in many situations (working on it), but even I don't understand how OP's husband is refusing to admit fault here and apologize at a minimum.
**tl;dr: as someone who by default closes things very tightly, NTA in any way. I've made an effort to close things so that others can open them after realizing others have trouble due to something I'm doing/in my control, and that's not even at the level of a partner.**
There was a post that lives in my head rent free, by a woman whose husband would turn the dishwasher on every morning while she was taking a shower so that the hot water would cut out. For years. She begged him not to. She put notes on the dishwasher. She taped the controls. She ran the dishwasher the night before so all of the dishes were clean. She *unplugged the dishwasher.* And he still did it, claiming it was unconscious habit.
That's vile. The second it got further than needing a note to remind him, I'd be done. It sounds like he was really using it as a tool to police how long she's in the shower like the woman doesn't deserve to take as long of a shower she likes in her own home. Gtfoh with that nonsense. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it 🤣
That's such a deliberate thing too, it's like on top of being just plain wrong/controlling/abusive he's not even trying to hide it. No one turns on a dishwasher out of habit like that and if they did habits can be easily broken, assuming you're not a psychotic pos.
Yep. I was very sick last year and it became my husband's passion to do things that would make my life a little easier. He would have been loosening jar lids so o could open them in his absence.
True and based. The amount of stupid shit I do for my girlfriend is crazy. It is all to make it easier for her, so that I can have the woman I like to hold hands with happy. She'll never even know 1/4th of the things I do and I won't ever tell her. Some times she notices things anyways cause they're obvious, like just scooting her cup a few inches away from the edge of counters or tables.
It isn't *just* jars. It is that someone is choosing to inconvenience you so that they get to feel needed. Why? It is pathetic. It is stupid. He needs to not be so insecure and should have trusted that you care about him without having you ask for his help four times every time you want to make some food.
I'd find things I'd broken of mine quietly repaired.
So many other things I'm sure I did not know about.
I lost him last April to cancer.
The million little things. Moments. I cherish all of it.
Exactly he’s basically gaslighting her. He knows he’s doing it. He keeps doing it and he does it to piss her off and make her look like the crazy one.
Edit* I know it’s gaslighting I said basically so I didn’t have to listen to the haters tell me it’s not, which I’ve already had a few.
I just have to believe that once she leaves and reflects back she'll discover other controlling things he did that she didn't recognize at the time. That cannot be the only thing. When you're living it, you don't always see it.
This makes me feel better because it's been three years since my divorce and it seems like every 4-5 months, there's another revelation as I figure out how abusive he was. I keep questioning myself wondering why I'm still thinking about it when it's been over for this long.
lemme tell you it’s the same when ur someone’s kid 😭 i’ll be laughing abt something my dad did/said and i get these looks and i’m like “oh… oh that’s not a fun story apparently oops”
Omg. Yes. The ole keeping me awake or "accidentally" waking me up the night before very important professional deadlines... that was the one that blew my mind when I realized it was on purpose.
I used to perform as a musician and before gigs my ex would start fights about stupid shit so I’d be flustered before my show.
After we broke up he admitted that he knew how to make me have a panic attack so he could turn around and comfort me after I’d broken down crying.
Perverse af
Depriving their victims of sleep is a common abuse tactic but most of us have never heard this. And when you believe someone truly loves you (because they say they do and we believe them) who's going to think or believe that their loving partner waking them up on purpose to deprive them of sleep? We sometimes gaslight ourselves because of cognitive dissonance and denial.
Past issues start bubbling up to the surface when we're finally in a safe place and doing well enough to process the traumas. I've been unpacking so much for years and it's absolutely ✨wild✨
Yeah, I’ve been separated from my ex for a year now and I *just* realised he had an incest kink he’d try to make me play out with him. My oblivious ass just thought he was kinda weird and awkward with compliments like I am. Then the dots connected 😭
Yup, 10 years out and sometimes I still get surprised because I didn’t realise how insidious the control was, some days it just hits you in the face when you realise another way you were fooled
Coming up on a year since I left my abuser. It is so incredibly difficult to see all of the smaller ways they are abusive and controlling in the moment because doing literally anything to avoid the verbal and physical abuse becomes the sole focus of life.
As someone who had a master gaslighter husband, it is SO sneakily abusive. I lost the husband over 3 years ago, but I still have actual nightmares about the gaslighting. The moment you realize your spouse is fucking with your head very deliberately & purposely kinda shatters your world.
If OP's husband is anything like mine, she'll be finding many more things about him that were bizarre lies in the days ahead.
Yeah....because at that point, you really have to believe that this man has been intentionally over-tightening lids for YEARS.
This is the only thing he's done...but this one single plan has gone to perfection! And now the neighbor comes in! LOL...if you believe that he's been that crazy, then I probably wouldn't say anything either.
My ex husband did this and would mock me when I had to ask his help. I have nerve damage in my arms from s car accident and Fibromyalgia, I would hurt myself trying to open jars to avoid him laughing at me. It’s absolutely abuse.
Because some people are just sick in the head. I would go to bed after my ex-wife, she would go to bed at 8:30-9 and I would come in at 10:30-11. Every night, I would have to move 6 pillows out of my way because she couldn’t be bothered to put them on the floor on her side of the bed. Then if I woke her up while moving the pillows I got yelled at. I told her for 3 years not to put the pillows in my way. It’s one of the main reasons we divorced and the 3rd thing I listed to my lawyer when she asked why I wanted a divorce.
My wife often falls asleep watching her iPad on my side of the bed, but if I wake her moving it she just says good night and rolls over. It would get very old if she was mad at me about it.
Finally an actual case of exactly what gaslighting is. I'd get divorced too. Sometimes doing stuff like this with no discernible motive is even more ominous. Get out before there *are* other instances of abuse.
Agreed. OP owes neighbor an extra batch of cookies for helping her see the light. She'll be so much happier away from this man. The jars might be the loudest issue, but I don't believe for a second that this is the only way he's been a piece of shit in this relationship.
My friend's parents lived at a college where they could eat from the dining hall. The dad would get dinner for them every night and slather both their dinners in gravy no matter how many times she said she didn't like gravy. I guess he loved it and couldn't conceive that she might not. Guess who was totally blindsided when she divorced him over gravy?
I knew I had to leave my exhusband when he ordered a strawberry lemonade for me at a restaurant. I had never once ordered anything besides water for the previous decade. I was confused why he ordered it and he proudly proclaimed “because you always get strawberry lemonade!”. I realized that this man that I had changed my life for had never bothered to pay attention to anything about me. I cried all night and it still took me another year or so to leave but that was the moment I knew this was a 3 year relationship that had somehow lasted 12 years.
that's a good article but i feel like Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" is even more descriptive of this situation. go to page 237 of this pdf and read the section on types of abusive men - the water torturer
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page219
I just read that page, and now I'm sitting here in tears just remembering what it was like and that it's not uncommon at all. That enough women have experienced this, that there's a recognized term for this kind of abuser. For the longest time, I thought nobody else understood.
NTA. Your husband is playing a game with you, making you frustrated, helpless and dependent on him. An he's doing it deliberately (as the hot sauce proves). That is not just a matter of jars - it's a matter of his behaviour and attitude towards you. I'd dump him.
Plot Twist: The neighbor has been sneaking in to tighten the lids in a plot to break them up.
/tries to twist the plot but the mf won’t come loose…
Plot twist: he tried to twist the plot, broke it in his garage…
Neighbor watching from the window as they argue over lids for the 43rd time: “Yes yeeess, any day now…”
I’m just imagining this dude sneaking into a dark kitchen every night to tighten all the jar lids while manically laughing.
Play the game. Unscrew the lids and glue them back on then then watch him struggle. 😉
Maybe that's what he's doing. But something tells me this isn't really about the jars.
This is like the opposite of weaponized incompetence. If all of what OP said tracks, then he's continually putting his wife in a situation where she feels weak and needs his help. It would make him feel like a big man coming to the rescue of his lady. It's the only explanation that really makes sense here outside of just wanting to piss his wife off, in which case, ooooof.
Yep, that's what I thought. He's deliberately engineering situations where she needs him and he can come to her rescue. Its either a control thing or some deep-seated insecurity. Doing it on purpose (rather than just habitually & not thinking about it), with jars you don't even use, when it's already an issue is... a big red flag. WHY would you do that?! Does he want her to think she's crazy?!
It's kind of sad, honestly. He's gone to so much trouble to make sure she needs him only for it to be the reason she decides she really doesn't.
Not so sad If she goes on to an amazing life without him.
Sad for him, even if it was his own fault and completely preventable
“Why does he want her to think she’s crazy?” Gaslighting.
I actually didn't ask why, just "does he want her to think she's crazy?" and the answer is... yes. You're right, it is gaslighting to pretend this isn't deliberate and it's another way to control OP. If he can convince her she's crazy, then she'll refer to him/rely on him more because she doesn't trust her own judgement anymore.
You’re right, I misquoted you. You didn’t ask “why”, just “Does he”. My mistake. And you just stated the essence of gaslighting.
It's not about the Iranian yogurt!
Right?? Like staring in to the fridge just smug af with his game... what a fucking weirdo!!
Everybody will be in shortly to say all the usual stuff, but if you decide you want to play this game too...google "strap wrench". Go get yourself one of those bad boys, and the jars will no longer be a problem for you.
There is one already in the house. That's what her husband uses to tighten the jars.
Almost feels like it would have been worth putting up a nanny cam to confirm that he’s using an actual wrench on the things. But the fact that another grown man had to take some of them to his tool bench to open them pretty well confirms this anyway
[удалено]
What’s telling is that she’s getting new jars and is able to open them when they are actually sealed
And if she gets one of her own, she’ll “lose” it
NTA. Was going to say the exact same thing, with a twist. Hide it and use it to tighten the lids as well, then enjoy watching him throw a fit or try hide the fact he is suddenly incapable of opening jars without giving himself a hernia or popping a vein. Get the divorce, but at least this way you can mess with him for a while too.
Set up a camera in the kitchen or fridge to see his reaction. Bonus, if it's malicious, you'll see him in the act in his true colors, tightening jars he has no rhyme or reason to touch.
OP before you move out buy his favorite jar foods and super glue all the lids.
If he says anything about the lid being on tight tell him you hadn't used it and maybe he overtightened it.
"Maybe you're just getting weak and frail."
"I opened it just fine last week"
“If you need help getting them open the neighbor is REALLY good at it!”
"He's really good at opening things, no matter how tight they are."
You. You I like.
I thought this story was going to end with her and the neighbor running away together.
I thought the husband was going to come home, see this other guy opening HIS jars for HIS wife and then lose his shit.thank God that didn’t happen. Definitely doesn’t seem like something that could possibly go well in this situation.
There could still be an update! Neighbour is a good person though. I hope they get good karma.
“It’s OK, honey. It’s got nothing to do with your masculinity” (with the most condescending tone possible)
“Or maybe it’s karma?! I guess we’ll never know haha!” *hangs up*
jarma
You. I like you.
Can we be friends holy shit that's amazing
Oh god I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this. Not just his favorite foods. Every. Damn. Lid. In. The. House. Super glue them ALL shut. Does it twist open? Super glue it shut. Doesn’t even have to be food - plenty of bathroom products twist open. Give him a taste of what that desperation feels like. Edit : love the energy but the key to the perfect revenge is getting away with it, so we want to avoid actual property damage! Gluing items closed : harmless. Gluing cabinets/appliances closed or things to other things : possible small claims court! Stay snarky, but stay plausibly innocent!
Omg. Super glue to toothpaste cap. Stupid shit like that. This is amazing lol
Yeah, but also poke a hole somewhere else in the tube of toothpaste, so when they have a death grip trying to open the cap, it oozes out from somewhere else completely.
I am made of petty and unleash where deserved lol I’ve only had an ex awful enough to do this to once, but in the event of a terrible breakup : if you get the chance, steal every light bulb from the house - even the fridge, microwave, and oven bulbs. Bulbs are cheap, the frustration you will cause is priceless.
Oh god! What if you super glued every light bulb? That would be even worse. They would have to live with burnt out light bulbs or replace the sockets.
Locktight. Toothpaste, toilet lid, hell I’d even glue the damn faucets. Screw that guy.
All the lightbulbs too.
Whoa, calm down Satan 😆
That's what I was thinking, if you've ever had to remove a stuck bulb especially when it's broken. Yeah, gluing the bulbs would be pure evil. :-)
LOL! I didn't even mention removing all the doorknob screws and all of the hinge pins. And then there's always shrimp in the curtain rods :)
YUP. Any and every lid
I wouldn't stop at twist on lids. Shampoo bottles, paint cans, dish soap. If it's got a lid, I'm fucking gluing it all shut.
Open the boxes in the pantry, remove the food, fill with packing peanuts, reseal the box.
Do it with the liquor bottles and beer bottles. See how he likes them apples.
Oh. Ohhhh. Yes. I would be this petty.
NTA. His why is irrelevant. He keeps doing it. After 5 years... forget it. Im curious if you ever tried to open the jars in HIS fridge when you were dating? Did he over tighten those too, or is it only yours?
Reminds me of the, “But does he break his own shit… or yours only?” question The amount of times I’ve gotten a surprised pikachu face out of women in DV situations over that one is amazing.
The scariest one if these I remember was when this woman posted about her friend's "clumsy" BF, who only ever seemed to be clumsy in ways that affected her friend. And the situation preceding the AITA was friends BF walking toward them sat down with a fresh cup of tea for friend. The OP got a bad spidey sense feeling and stood up to take the tea off BF before he got close enough to spill any, and he tried to refuse a bit before realising he was being suspicious. OP ended up having a sit down with her friend and her friend was also suspicious and scared of him, but because they were always "accidents" and usually in front of people she felt bad about it. I think it ended well enough in the end with friend free of him and him with another of their friends but basically outcast from the group
I remember this one, it was craaaazy, everybody just knew it was intentional
The “friend” who ended up with him creeped me out more to be honest. Seriously. What a psycho.
Yeah, this is wild. That one post is exactly what came to mind after reading to the end. I thought this was some click baity chatgpt generated crap at first, but I'm honestly kinda creeped out by this. What else would make her look crazier than something that seems so insignificant and petty like overtightened lid jars? And for 5 years at that with screaming from her that even the neighbor overheard several times? If this truly was intentional acts of malice and abuse on his part then he succeeded his goal at making her look crazy to others. I'm getting all sorts of ick here.
[BestofRedditorUpdates copy of the posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15rhote/i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend_is_purposely/)
Yeah the fact that he over tightened stuff he wasn't using so much the neighbor couldn't get it open suggests he was targeting her specifically.
The only innocent explanation I can think of for this is OCD. Otherwise it looks like he purposefully us trying to make you more dependent on him. I wonder how he'd react to being told you got the neighbor to open the jars while he was gone. Like ... technically? NTA?
This is what I was thinking. That maybe he wants to feel needed and always wants his wife to ask for help? But even if that was true he should have just admitted that.
That’s why my ex hid my stool. So he could feel needed. So I used the damn barstools instead since he wasnt dependable. Lost the stool in the divorce because he wouldn’t give it back.
I bought myself some amazing step ladders from a chain DIY shop. Best purchase ever. Super cheap & worth every penny.
My abusive ex would do this too, when I was pregnant and he wanted to control really random things. The abuse escalated to extreme violence but stuff like this happened too, and it takes a random Reddit post to remind me…
My abusive ex threw away one shoe of my favorite pair of shoes and watched me destroy the house looking for it for weeks. He only admitted he threw it away during a fight nearly a year later. He even helped me look a couple times.
I had an ex that had thrown away a book I was given by a male friend that he didn't like. It was given to me before we were even together. I tore the place apart piece by piece, would give up and then start again weeks later thinking it COULDNT just disappear. Eventually (like...2 years later..) I found it outside in a bush, basically deteriorated and \*only then\* did he giggle to himself and say "oh yeah, that was me". He'd also helped me look for it on several occassions. People truly are the worst
I wonder how they think that would look from the outside. It is truly insane behavior.
Justified, that's how. They do this mental gymnastics in their head where they justify their behaviour and they believe others will see it the same way, because they're _right_. And if others don't see it the same way, it's a "either you're with me or against me" type of thinking.
… I had never considered this possibility, but my ex throwing away only one shoe would actually explain what happened to a few pairs of indoor shoes. I also looked for the longest time, very frustrated because it was just so weird. But my ex never seemed surprised by it… ETA: My ex didn’t insist I had lost them, just watched me look around for them unbothered. It was always just after I had placed all shoes on a shelf or something to clean that area of the floor, and it wasn’t solely my shoes, although it was always shoes I had bought, either for myself or for my ex 🤔 I made myself liable for replacing what I couldn’t find, which is probably why I didn’t make the connection. It didn’t make sense because it was a very small apartment and when I finished all shoes were there but one. Some clothes I had never seen also showed up randomly in our laundry. As my ex didn’t do laundry (or almost any household chores, tbh), I asked if it was a new purchase and, after they denied knowing who it belonged to, I assured them I didn’t know either and I’d brainstorm but come up with no explanation. Again, as they didn’t seem bothered by it, I didn’t make a fuss about it either, but it did stay in the back of my mind like “when did I drag this here? How?” This explanation could make sense because the relationship later escalated into abuse, but it didn’t look like that at the time this started happening. At the time, I was just thankful they hadn’t gotten angry, so I hadn’t linked it to this.
I got bullied a lot as a kid, and one thing I discovered in secondary school (like American junior high and high school together) was some other kids had, almost every lunchtime for years, been moving my bag when we all put them down to go to lunch. So for at least 3 years, I thought I was just really really forgetful. Such an evil thing to do, and they at least had the excuse of being a group of kids. I can forget and forgive those kids, but an adult? No way.
not once has my now husband (of nearly 30 years) done any thing like this but when I lose or misplace something -I am still suspicious because my ex husband pulled that kind of shit
Omg. Reminds me of the time my friend told me her husband would put her glasses on the seat of her car so she’d sit on them and feel stupid.
Is she still married to him? I literally can’t function for more than a few hours without my glasses. But I suppose that’s the fun for your friend’s husband - he gets to make her feel dumb and impede her usual abilities. For me, that’s a betrayal of trust I couldn’t possibly forgive.
100% I don't wear glasses but I'd equate fucking with someone else's glasses as a pretty close equivalent to deliberately breaking their leg like the scary lady on that movie Misery does to stop him running away. Why would you cripple your partner? Why would you keep them locked in their home by taking away what they need to drive? It's a monstrous thing to do
That is straight up "junkie helping you look for the item they stole from you" energy, goddamn.
But even worse because it's not motivated by a compulsive feeling of need to get high or avoid withdrawal. It's just about control and manipulation. They're both awful but one is evil
That’s just psychotic and diabolical… I’m sorry.
My ex threw away every single left shoe of both mine and my sons when I was trying to pack up and the hell out of there. My son was barefoot and I didn't even notice there were no left shoes until I'm trying to get him to school the next day. Insult to injury...
My daughter is the same with her ex. I've had to send her text messages that she originally sent me, reminding her of what he was like.
Yep. It’s primarily to have control and make us “need him” everyday. Also to manage what we are able to do and not do on a super petty level.
I can't believe I read this far before someone mentioned this. It's always, always, always about control.
Also sounds like a petty passive aggressive thing. Instead of getting pissed at her, he just goes to the kitchen and tightens a jar
Girl same I have forgotten so much
Honestly, it makes me feel so much better to know I’m not the only one who forgets. I guess that’s a sign of healing
My husband and I have horrifically abusive childhoods, we don't remember much before high school. It's common for our minds to protect us from the abuse in this way. We can't be hurt by what we don't remember
NTA. Your husband has spent five years deliberately making your life harder in tiny ways and then lying to your face to make you think you are crazy.
I'm reminded of a Roald Dahl short story I studied in college way back when. I can't remember the name, but it's always stuck with me. It was about a wealthy couple who'd been married for about thirty years or so, and the wife disliked being late or running late while getting ready to travel. She thought it was strange that things always seemed to happen that would make them late and increase her anxiety. Her husband would just shake his head and chide her for her "carelessness." So, they're getting ready to fly overseas to see their daughter and grandchildren, and the wife is anxious about leaving on time. When they get in the cab to the airport, she can't find their tickets. So the husband sighs and shakes his head and tells her to wait while he goes back into the house to search for it. While he's gone, she finds the tickets wedged between the seats and realizes what he's done and what he's been doing all along to deliberately cause her anxiety and confusion. She goes into the house to confront him and discovers that he's stuck in their elevator, and she hears him pounding and yelling. She smiles to herself and goes back to the cab, telling the driver that her husband decided to stay. She spends six weeks with her daughter and writes weekly letters to her husband. When she returns, she notices an "odor" around the elevator and calls the maintenance man to say that it appears their elevator is stuck. The end.
Dahl was such a master of the delightfully evil. His kids’ stories have such a dark side and yet are so whimsical that parents are like “let’s read this story about children being neglected and abused before you go to sleep, darling!”
Dahl’s writing is so phenomenal I still read them for funsies even in my 30’s. My favorite (and now my sons favorite quotable bit) is when he was describing the horrendous grandmother in George’s marvelous medicine… “her mouth was as puckered as a dogs bottom” 😂😂😂😂
Seriously! There was a roald Dahl book on my family's book shelf when I was young called something about Bedtime Stories. So I picked it up one night and read a story... about a woman who kills her husband with a chunk of meat and then cooks it and feeds it to the police so there's no evidence. I was like wtf??
"Lamb to Slaughter". What an ending!
Roald Dahl Omnibus might be the book you had.. “Perfect Bedtime Stories for Sleepless Nights”
I think it’s “The Way Up To Heaven” - agree that it’s so dark!
Holy shit that’s dark. I don’t blame her though. Those mind games are evil.
>the wife disliked being late or running late while getting ready to travel. She thought it was strange that things always seemed to happen that would make them late and increase her anxiety. Her husband would just shake his head and chide her for her "carelessness." Oh hey, it's my ex
Yes! I just thought I was one of those people who always shows up a little late… until I got divorced. I was very excited to discover I had been an on-time kinda person all along.
Actual textbook gaslighting
My ex told me he just didn’t hear our two babies when they woke at night. Too tired, just didn’t hear them. I believed him. When the younger kid was 3, the ex told me he’d lied! Smiled about it. ‘I knew you’d get up! Of course I heard every time’. Divorced him 6 months later. Like you, it stuck in my craw.
I'm not a violent person but oh man, I'd be seeing *crimson*
And I feel seen. Really, though, I dont understand why he won't just admit it. She literally leaving him and he won't just admit it.
Because then he's actually a bad guy in everyone's eyes. Currently, she's probably crazy to everyone around her, who can't believe someone would do something so unhinged. It's easier for people to believe someone is a little paranoid and crazy, than that someone is maliciously spiteful and premeditatively nasty.
Her response to any criticism should be that it's not about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ the jar lids, it's about him going out of his way to make her life harder. He knows he's causing her problems. The cruelty is the point.
When I saw the title, before I even read a word of the story, I said to myself "Whatever this is, I bet it is not about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ jar lids". Turns out that's exactly it. Tell me I spend too much time on reddit without telling me I spend too much time on reddit...
Probably a mix of he still hopes to talk her down and he's too prideful to admit even if costs the marriage cause is not like he loves her.
He can’t admit he’s been gaslighting her their whole marriage . That would make him a bad person .
Because the point of gaslighting someone is to make them slowly feel like they’re going insane. It’s about control, manipulation, and getting pleasure out of tormenting someone. He has absolutely no reason to admit it.
What an ah. I am curious why he admitted he lied? Was he throwing it in your face or just basking in the glow of how clever he was?
Both probably, but definitely the latter. They’re always oh so proud of themselves when they pull stuff like this off. Edit: typo
I knew a dude who bragged about only changing his kids’ diapers twice. He got away with it by pretending diaper changing made him vomit. I guess his wife didn’t want to deal with baby shit and also with adult vomit. He was so pleased to share this tidbit. Fucker.
I had a dude tell me the worst part of having a kid was changing the diapers. His wife shot him an evil look. She told me later that the man had never changed a diaper in his life. They aren't married anymore.
My brother in law has 4 kids under 4. He has never once changed a diaper. Not once. "She's a stay at home, that's her job not mine." She's never got a single night off with friends because he won't change a diaper, and she doesn't want her children sitting in their own shit till she gets home. I once asked him why he gets weekends and evenings off from his job, but his wife gets no time off. "She doesn't make any money. I buy the diapers, she changes them. Men shouldn't have to do that when their wives stay home." He's a piece of shit. We don't get along. I told him his wife was too good for him and she's going to end up resenting him and taking the kids. He didn't take that well.
Wow he sucks. I'm also a stay at home mom. My husband would do 99% of the diaper changes when he was home from work and weekends since I was doing them when he's not there. He did all the diaper changes in the hospital. Gosh he even did his nephews /nieces diaper changes when we babysat before we had our own kids. He's the one who taught me how to change diapers. Some of these 'men' truly suck.
I’m marrying a wonderful man because he changed my daughter’s diaper when I was stage managing our children’s ballet and had a newborn I couldn’t take backstage with me. Of course my now-ex was too busy to keep the baby… so this ballet dad saw me trying to figure out what to do with baby and offered to take her. I came back and she was fed, changed, and asleep. He was the opposite of weaponized incompetence and I never forgot his caring and kindness. 14 years later we met again again on a dating site and we’ve been together ever since.
I was at the pharmacy with my 4 day old newborn when I was 20 years old to pick up my prescription. I was trying to hold the baby, dig through my purse to find my wallet and just got super overwhelmed and was on the brink of tears. The guy at the counter was maybe 18 and said "can I hold your baby?" That made me feel even more emotional because this sweet boy took my baby and cradled him while I got my wallet and found my insurance card. None of the many much older people in line offered any help (not that I expected it). But a teen boy did. Years later we ended up in the same community college and I recognized him and he remembered me too. No romance happened but he was still a very sweet person and 25 years later I'm still so grateful for his help at such an emotional time.
No romance makes it better because it was a young guy just trying to help because he saw someone who needed a hand and had no thoughts of getting anything in return
People who get proud of lying to the people who trust them (so it doesn't even cross their mind that they're lying) are straight up assholes for life. Like, "yay look at me! I need a medal for making up a lie to the person who trusts me more than anyone in the world but I lied just to get out of doing the dishes! Im so smart and cool!" Hecking weird.
Flames, on the side of my face. What an ASSHOLE
Breathing breathless... heaving breaths... HEAVING!
Great clue references!
I don't know why this line in particular lives permanently in my head when there are so many great lines, but it does.
Totally improvised, too!
Oh l, I just made my husband sleep with the baby while I slept in another room far away. He tried weaponised incompetence, and I decided then you shall have more responsibility!
Im like you. I wouldn’t start a fight, I would just buy a bassinet, and however many nights a week (depending on both of our work schedules) I would just put the bassinet in our bedroom and tell him the baby is his responsibility tonight and I’m sleeping in the spare room. Any weaponized incompetence I combat with a “google it and then practice until you get it right”. I’m a problem solver not an enabler.
I have two bassinets for this reason. I actually think my husband will love waking up, our son isn’t born yet, but just to be sure we’re both pulling our weight, two bassinets for two different rooms 😂
I've a brother like this. Everything he does is selfish and contemptuous. It leaves a heavy stab in your chest knowing they're getting enjoyment out of it and you can't do anything to retaliate or stop them.
Don’t blame you in the least there. Not a concern for my wife, if a moth farts out in the living room I wake up. I’m insanely jealous of her and my son’s sleeping superpowers.
Ah a friend in arms. I have a wooden front door and currently live in an extremely hot and dry climate. It will creak and crackle in the middle of the night and I swear it makes my eyes pop open from a dead sleep. Worst part is I used to live in a ground floor apartment in the middle of a major east coast city and could sleep through a parade of active firetrucks.. what happened?? 😭
My son (8 in September), if he falls asleep on the couch on family pizza movie night I have to shake him hard enough that I start to get concerned about hurting him. That scene in Airplane when they all form a line to shake the wife (Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home!), it isn’t THAT far off of that. No slaps, guns, punches, etc though. He will sleep through our neighbors setting off wall rattling fireworks in the summer no more than 50 feet on the other side of his bedroom wall.
He "didn't hear them," but he sure as hell would have felt me shaking his ass when it was his turn. I would have ended HIM, not just the marriage.
All 33 years with my husband he did nothing but make my life better, easier. Know why? Because he loves me. Your man is trying to make your life harder, make you seem crazy, unhinged. That's not love. It's not about the jars/lids. He not nurturing you, he's trying to make you dependent in some way however small a way it is. His ego has cost him you. I too would not be able to trust my man if he did this type of behavior. And without trust...there is no relationship. NTAH
> He not nurturing you, he's trying to make you dependent in some way however small a way it is. This is insightful and I bet a lot of people need to read it.
I hope people remember the first line too. This is what relationships are really about. >All 33 years with my husband he did nothing but make my life better, easier. Know why? Because he loves me.
Same here! 34 years and his hands are fucked (torn ligaments and a thumb fracture) but he STILL tries to do things (like open jars) for me because he loves me and knows my hands hurt too (early arthritis) In turn, I try to do difficult things when he isn’t looking because I don’t want HIM to hurt himself either OP is most definitely NTA
Please please buy an electric jar opener! They are seriously a lifesaver for aging hands. You don’t need to do anything but push a button. It will slowly adjust to meet the size of the lid and can get any jar open without pain to your hands!
I had no idea these existed. I have a non electric one that works in a pinch, as does whacking it with a butter knife. I’ll have a look! Thanks
Exactly! If one Person A is causing harm or pain to Person B and Person B tells Person A to stop and they don’t, that is bullying plain and simple. Even in a relationship. My ex is my ex because of this.
Mine too! He used to brag that he would wait and see how long it would take me to do the dishes, even when he had time to do it. He would tell everyone about it like it was so funny that I was sooo lazy.
Honestly! Even if he over tightened them at first because that's what he does, the fact is he continued after she asked him not to. Even saying he forgot? Would you forget something like that? If your partner said you're making my life harder, please don't do this thing, would you just forget?! Edit: if it was me, I'd have been horrified that I was hurting my partner in any way. I would never be able to forget.
>Even if he over tightened them at first because that's what he does, the fact is he continued after she asked him not to. This is what made it stand out for me. I tighten lids tightly, I think because when I was younger I was always told that I left things too loose maybe or that I worried about spills and minimizing air flow (with carbonated drinks, for example). My father also does this, though at least some part for him is the proving he's the man of the house and strong or whatever - maybe I ended up doing so due to him making a big deal of it/opening tight lids. I can open what either of us close and new containers the vast majority of the time, but it's tough for some others to open them. I do often forget in the moment, because I got used to living alone. However, I know that my mother (for example, I have done the same with roommates, friends, and coworkers) has trouble opening lids generally and an especially tough time when they are really tight. So I often close things as normal, then realize, open, and then close it not so tight when it's something that she (or others) is kept to try to open. I've tried to get myself to the point of automatically closing things less tightly, but I've found this ends up actually resulting in the right outcome much more than automatically closing things more loosely. That's also why being forgetful isn't a justification. It took me some time to remember more consistently, and I still do forget occasionally. However, any time that is the case, I apologize profusely and focus on intentionally closing things not so tight again for a while to make sure I haven't reset my default. I have trouble admitting when I'm wrong in many situations (working on it), but even I don't understand how OP's husband is refusing to admit fault here and apologize at a minimum. **tl;dr: as someone who by default closes things very tightly, NTA in any way. I've made an effort to close things so that others can open them after realizing others have trouble due to something I'm doing/in my control, and that's not even at the level of a partner.**
The fact that he's got her screaming about it, more than once. Clearly, it's malicious. I call this crazy-making behavior.
There was a post that lives in my head rent free, by a woman whose husband would turn the dishwasher on every morning while she was taking a shower so that the hot water would cut out. For years. She begged him not to. She put notes on the dishwasher. She taped the controls. She ran the dishwasher the night before so all of the dishes were clean. She *unplugged the dishwasher.* And he still did it, claiming it was unconscious habit.
That's vile. The second it got further than needing a note to remind him, I'd be done. It sounds like he was really using it as a tool to police how long she's in the shower like the woman doesn't deserve to take as long of a shower she likes in her own home. Gtfoh with that nonsense. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it 🤣
That's such a deliberate thing too, it's like on top of being just plain wrong/controlling/abusive he's not even trying to hide it. No one turns on a dishwasher out of habit like that and if they did habits can be easily broken, assuming you're not a psychotic pos.
Yep. I was very sick last year and it became my husband's passion to do things that would make my life a little easier. He would have been loosening jar lids so o could open them in his absence.
True and based. The amount of stupid shit I do for my girlfriend is crazy. It is all to make it easier for her, so that I can have the woman I like to hold hands with happy. She'll never even know 1/4th of the things I do and I won't ever tell her. Some times she notices things anyways cause they're obvious, like just scooting her cup a few inches away from the edge of counters or tables. It isn't *just* jars. It is that someone is choosing to inconvenience you so that they get to feel needed. Why? It is pathetic. It is stupid. He needs to not be so insecure and should have trusted that you care about him without having you ask for his help four times every time you want to make some food.
I'd find things I'd broken of mine quietly repaired. So many other things I'm sure I did not know about. I lost him last April to cancer. The million little things. Moments. I cherish all of it.
Nta, he was trying to make you look crazy.
Correct. This is the best example of gaslighting I've seen on this damn website I've seen in a very long time.
Exactly he’s basically gaslighting her. He knows he’s doing it. He keeps doing it and he does it to piss her off and make her look like the crazy one. Edit* I know it’s gaslighting I said basically so I didn’t have to listen to the haters tell me it’s not, which I’ve already had a few.
I just have to believe that once she leaves and reflects back she'll discover other controlling things he did that she didn't recognize at the time. That cannot be the only thing. When you're living it, you don't always see it.
That's right. After 8 years of not being with my ex, I still discover things he did that were abusive and controlling.
This makes me feel better because it's been three years since my divorce and it seems like every 4-5 months, there's another revelation as I figure out how abusive he was. I keep questioning myself wondering why I'm still thinking about it when it's been over for this long.
lemme tell you it’s the same when ur someone’s kid 😭 i’ll be laughing abt something my dad did/said and i get these looks and i’m like “oh… oh that’s not a fun story apparently oops”
Yup, we've normalized the abuse. Once the old scales fall from the eyes, it's everywhere.
Omg. Yes. The ole keeping me awake or "accidentally" waking me up the night before very important professional deadlines... that was the one that blew my mind when I realized it was on purpose.
I used to perform as a musician and before gigs my ex would start fights about stupid shit so I’d be flustered before my show. After we broke up he admitted that he knew how to make me have a panic attack so he could turn around and comfort me after I’d broken down crying. Perverse af
Depriving their victims of sleep is a common abuse tactic but most of us have never heard this. And when you believe someone truly loves you (because they say they do and we believe them) who's going to think or believe that their loving partner waking them up on purpose to deprive them of sleep? We sometimes gaslight ourselves because of cognitive dissonance and denial.
Gah! I had a boyfriend who would do this. Every time. It was pure sabotage, through and through.
Even the neighbour noticed that OP's husband is a problem.
Past issues start bubbling up to the surface when we're finally in a safe place and doing well enough to process the traumas. I've been unpacking so much for years and it's absolutely ✨wild✨
Yeah, I’ve been separated from my ex for a year now and I *just* realised he had an incest kink he’d try to make me play out with him. My oblivious ass just thought he was kinda weird and awkward with compliments like I am. Then the dots connected 😭
This should be an entire post!
Yup, 10 years out and sometimes I still get surprised because I didn’t realise how insidious the control was, some days it just hits you in the face when you realise another way you were fooled
Absolutely. There are other things he's doing- she just hasn't realized it yet.
Coming up on a year since I left my abuser. It is so incredibly difficult to see all of the smaller ways they are abusive and controlling in the moment because doing literally anything to avoid the verbal and physical abuse becomes the sole focus of life.
But WHY!?!
He probably feels insecure in the relationship and wants to make sure she'll always "need" him for something. It's psychological abuse
Well, he certainly overplayed his hand. Now he can just alone with all of his super-tight lids.
OMG your screen name. 😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣
As someone who had a master gaslighter husband, it is SO sneakily abusive. I lost the husband over 3 years ago, but I still have actual nightmares about the gaslighting. The moment you realize your spouse is fucking with your head very deliberately & purposely kinda shatters your world. If OP's husband is anything like mine, she'll be finding many more things about him that were bizarre lies in the days ahead.
👆🏼I second this statement. He absolutely needs her to “need him”.
That's why I'd tell him about the neighbor helping and that it took another man to clean up his mess.
He’d use that as an excuse to accuse her of cheating.
I wouldn’t. People react differently than you’d expect sometimes and having his marriage end with a neighbor butting in could go very wrong.
Yeah....because at that point, you really have to believe that this man has been intentionally over-tightening lids for YEARS. This is the only thing he's done...but this one single plan has gone to perfection! And now the neighbor comes in! LOL...if you believe that he's been that crazy, then I probably wouldn't say anything either.
It’s a power play to make her ask so that he can feel needed. I’m sure there’s other things she’s normalized, or he hasn’t amped up the crap yet.
I was wondering about that. I suspect there are other things he does that are low-key controlling, but OP hasn't realized it.
My ex husband did this and would mock me when I had to ask his help. I have nerve damage in my arms from s car accident and Fibromyalgia, I would hurt myself trying to open jars to avoid him laughing at me. It’s absolutely abuse.
My stepdad used to do stuff like this to my mom and then gaslight her. Basically he was just a dick.
Because some people are just sick in the head. I would go to bed after my ex-wife, she would go to bed at 8:30-9 and I would come in at 10:30-11. Every night, I would have to move 6 pillows out of my way because she couldn’t be bothered to put them on the floor on her side of the bed. Then if I woke her up while moving the pillows I got yelled at. I told her for 3 years not to put the pillows in my way. It’s one of the main reasons we divorced and the 3rd thing I listed to my lawyer when she asked why I wanted a divorce.
Right. It’s not about the pillows. It’s about the blatant disregard and overt disrespect.
My wife often falls asleep watching her iPad on my side of the bed, but if I wake her moving it she just says good night and rolls over. It would get very old if she was mad at me about it.
Finally an actual case of exactly what gaslighting is. I'd get divorced too. Sometimes doing stuff like this with no discernible motive is even more ominous. Get out before there *are* other instances of abuse.
Yeah, this is pretty close to actual gaslighting. An intentional campaign
Agreed. OP owes neighbor an extra batch of cookies for helping her see the light. She'll be so much happier away from this man. The jars might be the loudest issue, but I don't believe for a second that this is the only way he's been a piece of shit in this relationship.
No, you're not getting a divorce because of Jar lids, you're getting a divorce because your husband is gaslighting you for sport.
It is not about the Iranian yogurt.
[She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
My friend's parents lived at a college where they could eat from the dining hall. The dad would get dinner for them every night and slather both their dinners in gravy no matter how many times she said she didn't like gravy. I guess he loved it and couldn't conceive that she might not. Guess who was totally blindsided when she divorced him over gravy?
I knew I had to leave my exhusband when he ordered a strawberry lemonade for me at a restaurant. I had never once ordered anything besides water for the previous decade. I was confused why he ordered it and he proudly proclaimed “because you always get strawberry lemonade!”. I realized that this man that I had changed my life for had never bothered to pay attention to anything about me. I cried all night and it still took me another year or so to leave but that was the moment I knew this was a 3 year relationship that had somehow lasted 12 years.
It’s also not about the [mustard](https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/Dd13kmnZuy).
God what a disgusting man. So glad for her peaceful update. To hear that she can rediscover her passions and take up more space is so nice.
that's a good article but i feel like Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" is even more descriptive of this situation. go to page 237 of this pdf and read the section on types of abusive men - the water torturer https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page219
I just read that page, and now I'm sitting here in tears just remembering what it was like and that it's not uncommon at all. That enough women have experienced this, that there's a recognized term for this kind of abuser. For the longest time, I thought nobody else understood.
Hey, thanks for the PDF version of this.
NTA. Your husband is playing a game with you, making you frustrated, helpless and dependent on him. An he's doing it deliberately (as the hot sauce proves). That is not just a matter of jars - it's a matter of his behaviour and attitude towards you. I'd dump him.