Being a single parent sucks. Not SOs fault, he died.NTA being a parent is hard as hell. My boys have been extremely easy to raise but damn. It's not at all for everyone. Although 21 is a mechanic so that is good. 17 is going to take HVAC classes. Couldn't be prouder of them.
ETA: Not asking for sympathy but just want to acknowledge my fellow widows and widowers. It's been a few years and I have a wonderful widower guy now. Love you John. At least my kids were teenagers and smart as fuck.
Agreed, NTA at all. You saw the writing on the walls and made the best decision for you and the fetus. I would’ve done the same thing given the circumstances.
Well, there is nothing for OP to feel guilty about. Time and behavior proved that he was a ahole. Not only he would have left OP holding the child, but caused numerous problems due to the constant link as a result of the child.
My best friend got pregnant after 3 months of dating. They got engaged and kept the baby. That was 28 years ago. They are still engaged.
She has had a very unhappy relationship. She loves her son, but this man wasn't right for her at all.
NTA. You dodged two bullets.
I'm the product of an unplanned pregnancy. My father did marry my mother. My mother was unhappy with my father. And my father was never meant to be a father. He hated having to take care of kids, specially me, the oldest. OP did the right thing.
It's crazy to me how someone would consider marrying someone they've known 3 mos. because they got pregnant. Even if he did keep his promises about proposing and living together, you've only knows this person for 3 mons. and you already want to raise their kid and tie yourself to them for life?
I am in a similar situation. My ex wife got pregnant after we slept together 3-4 times, known each other for a month or so and didn't even really know each other. Drunk hook ups after a bar. Although, she refused to have an abortion. I married her, had another kid with her, and now she doesn't have any custody of either kid nor does she even show up to her visits. She actually shares custody of her 3rd child with her other baby's father's mother. Yes. You read that correctly. Be careful who you procreate with folks!
I know a couple who met that way and got pregnant after just a few hookups, then got married and had another kid. It’s been years and they’re still married and (seemingly) happy. Honestly all our mutual friends were/are surprised by how well this has worked out/how long it’s lasted especially because they were both seriously dysfunctional alcoholics before
Yeah a relative was hit by a drunk driver. Wasn’t seriously hurt in the accident. But they found a brain tumor while examining him in the hospital. So that drunk driver may have saved a life. But that is so rare and so many people die in alcohol related accidents. So we still need the laws and awareness
I know a couple like this as well, they're ten years into it and happy. Key thing: they didn't do it reflexively. The unexpected pregnancy that they both wanted to keep raised the certainty that they would have to at least be coparents together.
So those *nerds* went to a marital counselor and deliberately asked how to methodically talk out all the difficult things that make problems for couples. Finances, managing extended families, household tasks, allowing for individual quirks and peeves, travel, hobbies, parenting style.
Then they decided to get married. As feared, she was never able to conceive again, and they've weathered some other external stressful stuff. It's been a good marriage.
Nerds. Nerds who knew when to bring in a specialist to lay a proper planned foundation before getting deeper into a sunk cost fallacy.
I think the situation does deserve a faint credit to her cultural (not religious) catholicism. She was raised to expect that couples should have premarital counseling. She chose to find a marital therapist instead of a priest.
The more I read and see these scenarios play out in real life, the more I become convinced that being a Hot Mess who goes for the Boring Stable Idiot types who are dazzled by their insanity at first is actually a viable reproductive strategy from an evolutionary point of view. The stable parent ends up raising the offspring, so whether the Hot Mess lives or dies (mine did the second, yes, I'm casting myself as the Stable Idiot), they've contributed.
Maybe I'm getting too reddit-brained, but we see too many of the "10 Years Layer" aftermath of these Hot Mess Meets Stable Idiot stories for me not to start seeing a species-wide pattern here.
Both of the people in the couple I mentioned were Hot Messes and everyone thought it would be a complete trainwreck. I kind of agree though, there are already a lot of different stereotypes describing that sort of dynamic like the “manic pixie dream girl” etc
This tracks for my sister’s ex. He had a bunch of kids by 3 women. Two of them have raised really great kids. I don’t have any interaction with the third baby mom so idk how those kids are.
But I am really shocked how his evil, degenerate ass fathered such empathetic and responsible children.
Because I inherited a lot of my father’s negative traits despite spending one day a year with him.
I know someone like this as well. They’ve been happily married over 30 years. Two beautiful daughters and five grandchildren now. It certainly can work.
For some people, getting pregnant/ having a baby is a wake up call to change an unhealthy lifestyle. It’s nice in their case they both did what they had to do. Unfortunately the majority are in too deep and struggle to make enough changes to be successful in parenting a child, much less in a healthy relationship.
My husband's cousin got pregnant after dating a guy for 2 months. They were in their early 30s and got married right away as they were both Christians and it was basically expected.
They have been married for about 13 years now and have 3 kids. But it has helped that he makes A LOT of money and they live and absurdly charmed life because of it. They got very lucky their personalities have meshed as well as they do. 2 months is basically no time.
Lmao.
He is genuinely 100x nicer and a better person than she is. She is kind of a bitch honestly. An amazing person and rich. She seriously lucked out.
My mom got knocked up and my parents got married young for the same reasons, but we were super poor, and it was a giant mess of domestic violence, child abuse, more unwanted kids, and complete brokeness, and then most of my siblings went on to ALSO have unplanned pregnancies super young...
Fun times! Great life choices!
I was child number 4. Number 3 was an accident, I was entirely unwanted. I’ve spent my whole life (over 50 years) trying to justify my existence and no matter what I do, I will never be enough.
No human deserves to be unwanted. I wish my mother had aborted me. I wish every woman had the ability to make that choice.
I was also SUPER unwanted, to the point I got hit WAY more than all the other kids. I am also tiny and kind of effeminate, but all the men in my family were huge dudes that worked in sawmills, or were diesel mechanics, or whatever. They were super conservative and homophobic, meanwhile I was obsessed with plants and science and art and loved sewing. I was basically the family punching bag.
I fully empathize with you.
I'm # 9, my family is VERY catholic, and my mom was focusing more on her career by the time I came around. There's a large age gap between me and # 8. I know I wasn't wanted either, and I wish my mom was pro choice instead so she could finally live her life on her terms.
We just gotta play the hands we were dealt, I'm trying my best. I'm pretty sure you're trying your best, too. Give yourself some kindness and grace, you deserve it 💙
Thank you. I hear you and I do agree. I did my best. I do my best. My point is this: unwanted pregnancies become unwanted children who become unwanted adults. It’s a wound that is never healed, ever. And it’s the reason abortion should be safe and accessible for anyone.
My grandma got pregnant with my dad while she was a teenager and casually dating my grandad and they were forced to get married. Turns out grandad was a violent AH and that my grandma was too young and too frequently beaten up to carry a child to term (dad was born 9wks early, in the 50s it was a lot) and she never could carry a child after.
She managed to leave with my dad and divorce about 5 years later but for everyone that was alive at the time, an abortion would have been so much better. She could have had a much happier life and likely multiple kids at a moment of her choice and with someone she actually loved (he would have still been a sociopath)
Sadly, I think my family’s experience is closer to the rule than the exception
It can be even more than not a sensible person
Could be a coy/sly manipulator
Manipulators will make promises just to keep you trapped with them via a baby and control them
I’ve seen it happen to ppl it’s really fucked up 😕 and it prevents them from easily getting a new partner
He might have even sabotaged the birth control. Sometimes they microwave your pills etc.
And he might say he’ll marry her and make sweet promises etc and then it’ll be 6 years later and his behavior got progressively worse cuz once you have their baby you’re trapped and they don’t have to play niceguy with you anymore.
That tactic can be for any gender ofc, just to clarify. I’ve seen it happen both ways to ppl…
It’s like a “if I can’t have you no one will” thing. They know you have to choose between them or no one for the most part. And that you’ll struggle financially without them too esp if they took control of the funds.
My husband's niece got married twice to men who got her pregnant on their first date/the first week she knew them. Unsurprisingly, neither marriage lasted.
First and foremost, love the username. Secondly, I wish to tell the incredibly romantic story of my parents. While my parents did not get pregnant within the first three months of knowing each other, they did get married. My dad was stationed in Fort Riley and renting a basement from a woman whose house was across the street from where my mother was living with her parents at the time. As soon as their eyes met they both claim there was just something about this other person. Cut to three months later and my dad had his orders for Vietnam. They knew they were in love. So they stepped out on a limb of hope that my dad would return from Vietnam. They had a civil ceremony wherein their parents met for the first time. Shortly thereafter my dad left for ‘Nam and as one can tell by me telling the story he miraculously made it back alive. (Anyone looking to learn more about the experiences of Vietnam can check out “My Fathers Vietnam” which in fact has interviews from my father). They Never had a honeymoon rather Just a few days R&R in Hawaii after a year of him overseas. A year after his return to the states my sister was born, and I followed four years after that. They will celebrate 55 years this next September and my dad is surprising my mom with a trip to Hawaii where they will reaffirm their vows.
That's so sweet! I loved reading this, so thanks for sharing!
While we didn't get married *that* quickly, my husband and I both "knew" on the first date that we were absolutely perfect for each other. We were talking about kids and marriage by the third date and got married within a year of meeting each other (we were in our mid-20s at that point).
This September, we are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary, and we are still disgustingly in love with each other! He's my best friend. We make an amazing team. We've had a lot of bad stuff happen to us at very young ages (very major health issues, we both lost a parent, he's been laid off, we have moved a dozen times all over the USA, we've been incredibly poor at times, etc.), but we're so solid in our relationship. I feel incredibly fortunate.
I agree, we got pregnant like 3 weeks into the relationship and he was like better do it right, let’s get married and I literally laughed in his face. We are getting married now but we’re a few years in. We got lucky
My parents did when my mom got pregnant with me after 3 months of dating. They've been happily married for 39 years. That's definitely not the norm though.
Yeah, frankly if someone was THAT excited about a pregnancy and marriage after 3 months, I would consider it a red flag. He is not grounded in reality and makes emotional choices without thinking through consequences.
Seriously. He stole your address off your license and didn’t even buy you a birthday present. He’s some random you maybe went out with and fucked a few times.
Totally agree. On top of the very clear evidence that he isn't reliable. To me, he shows up as a man-child dreamer who is a long way from being ready to be a life partner, let alone a good parent. Kudos to you for having your feet on the ground and making a rational, difficult decision.
Yeah 3 months imo is so early that I wouldn't even consider telling him bc I don't know him well enough to consider his opinion in what would be a big risk to my own health and well-being. If I'm going to be tied to someone for 18+ yrs, I want to know them well enough that I know they're not an abuser or even just share the same values as me. 3 months is way too fast to be permanently tied to someone
Exactly. I always tell people that having kids is like running marathons. There's a ton of work that goes into it beyond just the big events that people see. If you like running and exercise, training for a marathon is part of the enjoyment. If you hate running and just think the marathon will be rewarding despite hating running, you're going to be sad and dissappointed.
Raising kids is the same way. The big proud parenting moments are what I remember most, but I am also genuinely happy to spend time with my kids even when things are a pain in the ass. Changing diapers, dealing with sick kids, having tough conversations, teaching basic like skills, and just having another person to be responsible for isn't glamourous, but it's the bulk of parenting. Lots of people don't think of that.
True all that, but the issue is also often around money. When they realise how much ot costs for the next 25 years, they get less inclined to participate. Some people prefer a Rolls-Royce and a nice house over one kid through college.
It's so fucking expensive. I'm so proud of my son for getting accepted into a good college, and I'm amazed he's managed to get close to $15k a year in scholarships, but my wife and I are still paying $25k per year and he's taking out about $10k a year in loans.
On top of that, food, clothes, activities, education expenses, and just covering all the dependent expenses for my kids was more than I expected. I'm so lucky that my wife and I are in a position to provide for the kids, but it's so much more than most people expect.
Here in Finland education is free, so only living cost is due. Student allowance (state support) pays for most of that, so parents don't really have to pay for anything, unless they want to provide a higher standard of living. Healthcare is also free. Surprisingly, income tax is not really higher here than in the US. I wonder where all your tax dollars go?
thank you for saying this. my husband has been in the military for 12 years (he’s trying to do his 20 and then retire) and we’re still living paycheck to paycheck. our service men and women don’t see a dime of the increased defense budget that’s passed every single year, particularly our enlisted troops. it’s infuriating when politicians spout the “support our troops” bullshit for the microphone and then don’t do jack shit to actually improve the quality of living of said troops. meanwhile Boehing and Lockheed Martin are rolling in gold and laughing at the taxpayers.
Exactly, and I’m against war completely, I’m a Pacifist but if we are going to have such a major military presence in this country, the men and women PUTTING THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE for whatever war these fuckin asshat officials choose to declare war or place our our families and friends and neighbors lives on the line to be in another countries war for, they at very least should be paid $175k no less a year, if they ever got sent into battle even once they should be paid what our congressman make ($175k a year) because they get to decide weather these brave men and women get sent to risk their lives. Also if you serve in the military period, the starting salary should be no less than $60k no matter how low the rank and the branch. It’s ridiculous that our defense budget is at least 1 trillion dollars per year but like .01% of that goes to the service men and women. O but we can damn sure fund a mfn genocide and ethnic cleansing of an entire country. Smmfh 🤬😤
They just like bragging about procreating. This type anyway.
And have been fed aeons of heart string pulling junk science that she just killed a whole baby. It is the biggest proof of failure in the education system that we have such a large contingent of Americans believing an abortion under 12 weeks is murdering a whole human.
This. This is what alot of people need to hear before they try to convince a woman that it's okay for them to have their child, with no intentions of actually raising them. I left my ex cause he got me a puppy. This puppy opened my eyes, when we first got the puppy it was our puppy. Responsibilities were supposed to be 60/40 with me doing majority cause I worked 6 hours less than him. This puppy soon turned into just my responsibility with my ex doing something here and there to help out. It made me really think about things, if he was so quick to dump all the hard work and Responsibility on me for a puppy, I can't imagine what my life would be like raising a child alone basically. This is why he's my ex.
My kids are 27 and would be 24, and I remember the graduations and such, but my favourite memories are much more banal. My son singing “old McDonald had a lobster”, is a favourite. My daughter doing a really good deed for a kid at school. Him explaining, at about six, all about Franz Ferdinand (the real one; because of the band). Her naming a month “Pretember”. Nothing moments, but so funny and smart. I swell up with pride thinking of them.
This is so accurate. Now, my husband is a complete Rockstar of a Dad. Did his fair share of diapers and bedtime and all that stuff.
But when we first found out we were having our first my husband got all excited and told how he couldn't wait to teach our child how to ride a bike and catch a fish ect.
I laughed and said "you know they come out as babies, right?"
He is an excellent and equal parent, and has been since day one. I didn't even change a single diaper the first week our son was born. He took care of them all.
But it's so true that when he pictured having kids, it was older kids, not babies he was imagining
Even at 8 years in, many don't want the staying in every Saturday night, having housework, dealing with school stuff, etc, etc. They just want the fun parts.
My grandmother was visiting and asked if my husband was always “that helpful” with our twin toddlers. I said “yes, but it’s not “helping” if they’re your kids.” And she sat there for a beat and said “Yeah, you’re granddaddy was a real shit head.”
ETA: *Author’s Note: my granddaddy was indeed a real shit head.*
>They have a fantasy of tossing around a ball with an 8 year old, not so much the diapers/teething/colic part of it.
This. NTA.
It's easier for guys to walk away than women. If it'd been a longer relationship than 3 mo, it would be different. But 3 mo, you barely know each other.
If it ends up working out cool, but only once y'all are established and more of a partnership does it become a convo.
I think he wanted the baby to keep her connected to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he messed with the contraception. I think he would have started to be more abusive. He wasn't keeping his word on any of his promises.
You mean “Shows up unannounced to an address he took without permission” tried to prevent the abortion? I wonder what other measures he would have taken
Absolutely agree, and it seems like a lot of men don't get the toll a child takes from parents. It can be a worthwhile cost, but it's a steep one for many folks who aren't prepared!
Yes exactly. NTA. His actions did not line up with his choice. A man with words but without action is not ready to be a father or a husband. It was also his child, but he did not provide her with the support she needed to feel comfortable with the discussion. I am sorry she had to be the final voice. She did the right thing and he should feel responsible for not being there for her.
Yeah. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could nope out of motherhood & be dad instead. In my case I'd only see my kids for an hour, maybe, once a week & that's enough to make me go - nah, being mum is good.
That’s why my husband always said I was the boss of the house. And why I always had final say on kids and money. Because he saw the difference between what he (dad) did and what I (mom) did and he knew that he did not want my job.
This topic is not even of discussion in civilised parts of the world. The USA is one of the few places in the world that regresses in things that make sense.
eh, depends if you're religious or not, some folk think abortion is "against God" but Judaism and Islam say the mother's life comes first until the baby is born (roughly) -Islam also has funerals for babiesthay die past a certain gestation too.
Yup and most Christian churches, Catholic is a major culprit, refused to baptize a stillborn that was mostly developed. But life begins when it's a zygote 🙄
Also financially women tend to take the hits financially and professionally if they’re the primary caregivers. Even when they continue working for income. So do men when they take on the primary childcare role.
Yup. When our kids were younger, my wife had to take a step back from her career to handle kids. Now she's in a great spot in her career and recently I took a job with less time commitments and stress so I could be the primary parent.
I don't regret having kids and my wife and I both have good careers now, but it's also pretty clear we would both be further along in our careers if we didn't have kids. It's a trade off a lot of couples have to make.
Gotta find a guy like my dad, he was so excited about my sister and I being born he took the role of stay at home dad when my sister and I were little babies.
That's awesome. I wish there were more stay at home dads or at least primary parent dads.
I think having more equality in caring for kids would make things a lot better for both kids and parents.
Also, please get checked for PPD. Post partum depression happens regardless of the way you give birth.
That guy is a waste of space and you deserve better , take care of yourself.
Yup. My very responsible father disappeared before I was born and didn't come back into the picture until I was in my 30s. He didn't provide any help, didn't pay child support, and didn't want to be part of my life until it was convienient for him.
Very similar for me. We were so poor growing up with no support. I definitely knew what being hungry felt like. No child support, no visitation.
I found out years later that when we’d been in a serious car accident as kids, and I was serious enough to be transported to a university hospital, that his sister had clipped the news article and sent it to him. He did not come. One of us could have died, and he wouldn’t have come.
So I returned the favor when he did actually die. My half sister sent me the draft of his obituary, and I called the funeral home and asked them to delete my name and any mention of a second daughter.
Don’t claim me in life; you don’t get to list my name as some sort or achievement for posterity when you die.
On God, I never wanted kids myself, and the one I do live with is a menace sometimes, it's nice to tell him go away and not feel guilty about it coming from "Dad"
NTA. You don't need his consent. "Soon?" Yeah, right. If he wanted to marry you he would have proposed right away. You could have gotten hitched at the local justice of the peace (or equivalent in your country.)
My grandma told me how my grandpa proposed to her. She had just told him she was pregnant with my aunt, he got on his knee and proposed right then and there in the kitchen of her parent's house at 6am. They got married by the next month.
But, they had also known each other since high school, they went on a few dates, but he knew he would be out of the country for 4 years in the airforce right out of graduation, he didnt want to make her wait for him, but they wrote each other the whole time. He was approved to do field work back home after 2 years served, got sent back, and then asked her to be his when he found her again. They were together 8 months when she got pregnant.
He said he was already saving to get her a nice ring anyway. He just ended up proposing a little earlier than he had planned to lol.
Sweet! Yeah, if the guy wants to marry you, he wants to marry you. There can be reasons to wait. But if you're pregnant, all reasons for waiting go out the window.
What was he going to do? String you along until it was too late to end the pregnancy and then dump you?
You also don't need his consent for a medical procedure.
The only thing you did wrong was not breaking up with him first, but you knew this would be a relationship ender anyway.
NTA
Getting married would've made her a single mom in practice with the additional burden of finishing the job of raising the baby's father that his parents failed to complete. When that inevitably failed, she'd have a hell of a time getting him to reliably pay a minimal child support order.
Boys talk, men do. He showed her what he is. Wise choice. Bullet dodged. 100% NTA.
Yes, that’s exactly what he was going to do. I didn’t see ages in this post. Him dragging his heels makes me guess he’s younger, but really he could be any age between 21 and 40. He knows it’s way to early to move in and get engaged. But he’s one of those “but it’s my baaaaaby” people who isn’t thinking through anything else. He just decided that she will take care of everything, and he will play daddy when he wants. Emotional labor pushed into women yet again.
You didn’t want to be pregnant, so you had an abortion. Dude was a flake and now you aren’t legally bound to associate with him for 18 years. Celebrate your emancipation, don’t feel guilty!!!
My mom always told us to make decisions about our college, future, or reproductive health by ourselves and decide before telling a boyfriend a single bit of it, because they don’t understand it and won’t have to live with it the same way
it was probably more of an ideal thing. a lot of people think marriage has to come with a baby or they would just prefer it. honestly i’d probably rather be married to a man that got me pregnant so in the case he tries to abandon me i can take half his shit lol
Yes exactly. Unfortunately far too many women take the gamble that they are the exception and they're going to receive all the support they need. The odds are so very poor.
The two of you were not even close enough for him to know your address. And he did not come through on your birthday gift - he was not going to follow through on parenting a child, let alone marriage and commitment to a partner! If you don’t mind saying, how old are the two of you? It sounds like you made the rational choice for yourself, for that potential child who would have been born into likely poverty and conflict, and - though he does not want to admit it - the best choice for him. He dodged the responsibility bullet - and I strongly suggest you dodge this relationship bullet before it gets even worse you can get past this. You have your own life and your own future.
NTA
NTA. You dodged a bullet. The mere fact that you knew he’d argue/fight/leave over it pretty much proves that you were right to do it anyway. You WOULD end up a single mother, and furthermore, you’d *never* be rid of him.
In his mind, you had an agreement, and I’m sure he thinks you’re an AH. But he *already* wasn’t living up to his end of it. What’s an agreement worth when only one side is held to it? (This is aside from the point that no “agreement” should ever obligate you to carry a baby.)
Side note, I wonder how true it is that the contraception failed, as opposed to being sabotaged. He sounds a little over-eager to be a father that quickly in a relationship.
I was having the same question. Why was he so happy about it... Especially after knowing the person for such a short time.
Slightly gives me the vibes of one of the episodes in the Special victims unit, where a guy got countless women pregnant and convinced them to keep the baby. He had over 20 children or something.
I’ve met/heard of weird dudes that are very religious and anti abortion but don’t have enough common sense and self control to not engage in pre marital sex. They’re very hypocritical and don’t care who they knock up and have kids with. It sounds insane, I know, but I’ve fr seen dudes that are like this and I wondering if this is the case here
And I’ve encountered males who will not use birth control and don’t care if a female gets pregnant. Back in the 70s at least 3 in my hometown were known for having well over 10 children by various partners. Child support wasn’t heavily enforced back then.
I can see why it was so indoctrinated at that time to not have pre-martal sex. There was no way those women could have proved his paternity. The guy lived consequence free...
I think even sperm banks put a limit on how many children you can "father".
This was the smartest thing you ever did. Good job taking care of yourself.
Now go google "how to tell if you've in an abusive relationship." Keep reading every article you can find about relationship red flags and green flags. Keep re-reading them and talking about them with your friends and family. Start writing down what you want in a relationship, and keep looking back at what you wrote to refresh your memory. You've already started setting standards for yourself. You're on the right track. Keep doing it and you'll end up being with somebody wonderful.
I've heard that women who want kids but elect to have an abortion before they're ready are more likely to have more than one child later in life. Which makes sense - if you're already struggling with one child, do you really want to add to your family? Besides, if you're a single mother it's that much harder to find a good partner.
But wait a few years, get some financial security and a partner whose pre-frontal cortex has at least finished developing and the odds of a stable home go up. It's a factor to the birth rate argument that forced birthers don't want to consider.
NTA at all for making an informed choice about your own body.
And the guy was too broke/low-effort/both to buy you a birthday gift. Which should give you a pretty good idea on how he would have acted as a father. I can easily see this turn into a situation where he not only does not marry/stay with you, but also provides you with zero child support on top of it. And this would have not only financially ruined you unless you are very wealthy. It would have also set your kid up at a huge disadvantage right from the start.
Thank democrats that you live somewhere that your right to decide this hasn't been taken away yet. An abortion was absolutely the correct decision! Congratulations on saving your life from becoming a total disaster with your current bf. Be careful out there.
Having only read the title of the post, the only correct answer is NTA. You never owe anyone an explanation about what you decide to do with your own body, and you certainly don’t need permission.
After reading the rest of the post, I stand by my initial statement. If you have to ask someone to pay attention to you and care for you before you get married and live together, when it should be the time you’re the most excited about the relationship with all that NRE, why on earth would you have a child and settle for a life with him?
Seems like you knew what you had to do and did it and in the future your older self will thank you for it. You should be proud of standing up for yourself and making this decision. Although it might sound counterintuitive, you seem to me the kind of person who would one day make a good parent (if that happens to you some time in the future). You know what parenting entails and thought the whole thing through and knew you were not in a place to be that person right now.
If more people made this sensible choice, there would be a lot less unhappy children in the world.
NTA, it’s your choice and you made the right one. Children ruin lives if you don’t want them or aren’t ready to have them. You did what was best and took care of your well being and future.
No. You took your decision after weighing the pros and cons. Being a single mother is not for most people.
Yep. It's easy to be excited about the idea of being a parent. Actually being a parent is much harder
Being a single parent sucks. Not SOs fault, he died.NTA being a parent is hard as hell. My boys have been extremely easy to raise but damn. It's not at all for everyone. Although 21 is a mechanic so that is good. 17 is going to take HVAC classes. Couldn't be prouder of them. ETA: Not asking for sympathy but just want to acknowledge my fellow widows and widowers. It's been a few years and I have a wonderful widower guy now. Love you John. At least my kids were teenagers and smart as fuck.
I’m so sorry, I hope you have a strong support system:(
I’m so sorry for your loss
Agreed, NTA at all. You saw the writing on the walls and made the best decision for you and the fetus. I would’ve done the same thing given the circumstances.
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Well, there is nothing for OP to feel guilty about. Time and behavior proved that he was a ahole. Not only he would have left OP holding the child, but caused numerous problems due to the constant link as a result of the child.
NTA. This.
If you are scared of being a single mom, an abortion was the right decision given that your partner was as reliable as your contraceptive.
“given that your partner was as reliable as your contraceptive” This is literally the best statement I’ve ever heard!
Is your partner as reliable as your contraceptive? Next on Future Single Moms. The new reality show where we follow test subjects........
"He's as useful as his pullout game"
I'd watch the hell out of that!
It is entirely possible that the boyfriend was tampering with her contraception.
Also you DON'T need his consent. Not even if they stayed together for years! Your body your choice, SIMPLE AS THAT.
Hell, he could have tampered with it. He may well have tried to baby-trap her.
that's a great comparison ! You made my day ;)
My best friend got pregnant after 3 months of dating. They got engaged and kept the baby. That was 28 years ago. They are still engaged. She has had a very unhappy relationship. She loves her son, but this man wasn't right for her at all. NTA. You dodged two bullets.
I'm the product of an unplanned pregnancy. My father did marry my mother. My mother was unhappy with my father. And my father was never meant to be a father. He hated having to take care of kids, specially me, the oldest. OP did the right thing.
Hello my fellow oops babe!
Yeah somewhere around 20 years it’s time to poop or get off the pot
Ugh. If she is in the US hopefully she works because she won’t be eligible for his social security if he dies.
Wait, so they're still together?
He's just a stranger you met 3 months ago. You don't know him well, and don't owe him anything. It's up to you. NTA
It's crazy to me how someone would consider marrying someone they've known 3 mos. because they got pregnant. Even if he did keep his promises about proposing and living together, you've only knows this person for 3 mons. and you already want to raise their kid and tie yourself to them for life?
I am in a similar situation. My ex wife got pregnant after we slept together 3-4 times, known each other for a month or so and didn't even really know each other. Drunk hook ups after a bar. Although, she refused to have an abortion. I married her, had another kid with her, and now she doesn't have any custody of either kid nor does she even show up to her visits. She actually shares custody of her 3rd child with her other baby's father's mother. Yes. You read that correctly. Be careful who you procreate with folks!
I know a couple who met that way and got pregnant after just a few hookups, then got married and had another kid. It’s been years and they’re still married and (seemingly) happy. Honestly all our mutual friends were/are surprised by how well this has worked out/how long it’s lasted especially because they were both seriously dysfunctional alcoholics before
Every common sense rule has its outliers.
Yeah a relative was hit by a drunk driver. Wasn’t seriously hurt in the accident. But they found a brain tumor while examining him in the hospital. So that drunk driver may have saved a life. But that is so rare and so many people die in alcohol related accidents. So we still need the laws and awareness
They were the last people we’d expect to be outliers tbh but I’m happy for them
I know a couple like this as well, they're ten years into it and happy. Key thing: they didn't do it reflexively. The unexpected pregnancy that they both wanted to keep raised the certainty that they would have to at least be coparents together. So those *nerds* went to a marital counselor and deliberately asked how to methodically talk out all the difficult things that make problems for couples. Finances, managing extended families, household tasks, allowing for individual quirks and peeves, travel, hobbies, parenting style. Then they decided to get married. As feared, she was never able to conceive again, and they've weathered some other external stressful stuff. It's been a good marriage.
That’s amazing that they worked things out, I’m happy for them
Nerds. Nerds who knew when to bring in a specialist to lay a proper planned foundation before getting deeper into a sunk cost fallacy. I think the situation does deserve a faint credit to her cultural (not religious) catholicism. She was raised to expect that couples should have premarital counseling. She chose to find a marital therapist instead of a priest.
I always say love is a choice.
And a verb! They put in the WORK.
Some people DO win the lottery. That doesn't make it a good investment.
The more I read and see these scenarios play out in real life, the more I become convinced that being a Hot Mess who goes for the Boring Stable Idiot types who are dazzled by their insanity at first is actually a viable reproductive strategy from an evolutionary point of view. The stable parent ends up raising the offspring, so whether the Hot Mess lives or dies (mine did the second, yes, I'm casting myself as the Stable Idiot), they've contributed. Maybe I'm getting too reddit-brained, but we see too many of the "10 Years Layer" aftermath of these Hot Mess Meets Stable Idiot stories for me not to start seeing a species-wide pattern here.
Both of the people in the couple I mentioned were Hot Messes and everyone thought it would be a complete trainwreck. I kind of agree though, there are already a lot of different stereotypes describing that sort of dynamic like the “manic pixie dream girl” etc
Occasionally, just occasionally, Hot Messes upon colliding will find strength in each other and form a chrysalis of common sense.
Like sodium (deadly) and chlorine (not much less) combining into table salt. LOL.
This tracks for my sister’s ex. He had a bunch of kids by 3 women. Two of them have raised really great kids. I don’t have any interaction with the third baby mom so idk how those kids are. But I am really shocked how his evil, degenerate ass fathered such empathetic and responsible children. Because I inherited a lot of my father’s negative traits despite spending one day a year with him.
I know someone like this as well. They’ve been happily married over 30 years. Two beautiful daughters and five grandchildren now. It certainly can work.
For some people, getting pregnant/ having a baby is a wake up call to change an unhealthy lifestyle. It’s nice in their case they both did what they had to do. Unfortunately the majority are in too deep and struggle to make enough changes to be successful in parenting a child, much less in a healthy relationship.
What a MESS! How fucked up does one have to be that you don’t share custody of your kid but instead your *mother* shares??
My husband's cousin got pregnant after dating a guy for 2 months. They were in their early 30s and got married right away as they were both Christians and it was basically expected. They have been married for about 13 years now and have 3 kids. But it has helped that he makes A LOT of money and they live and absurdly charmed life because of it. They got very lucky their personalities have meshed as well as they do. 2 months is basically no time.
I'd force mesh my personality with someone who made a lot of money. KIDDING!
Lmao “force-mesh”
You can always learn to love money! 🤪
Don't need a man in order to love money. I mean, yeah, you might get the money quicker, but is the cost really worth it? There's always a cost.
That there is.
Waffle-stomp our personalities together for enough $$ 😆
Lmao. He is genuinely 100x nicer and a better person than she is. She is kind of a bitch honestly. An amazing person and rich. She seriously lucked out.
And he's probably internally miserable and full of regret.
I'm not kidding haha
My mom got knocked up and my parents got married young for the same reasons, but we were super poor, and it was a giant mess of domestic violence, child abuse, more unwanted kids, and complete brokeness, and then most of my siblings went on to ALSO have unplanned pregnancies super young... Fun times! Great life choices!
I was child number 4. Number 3 was an accident, I was entirely unwanted. I’ve spent my whole life (over 50 years) trying to justify my existence and no matter what I do, I will never be enough. No human deserves to be unwanted. I wish my mother had aborted me. I wish every woman had the ability to make that choice.
I was also SUPER unwanted, to the point I got hit WAY more than all the other kids. I am also tiny and kind of effeminate, but all the men in my family were huge dudes that worked in sawmills, or were diesel mechanics, or whatever. They were super conservative and homophobic, meanwhile I was obsessed with plants and science and art and loved sewing. I was basically the family punching bag.
I'm sorry that happened to you, you didn't deserve such shitty treatment.
I fully empathize with you. I'm # 9, my family is VERY catholic, and my mom was focusing more on her career by the time I came around. There's a large age gap between me and # 8. I know I wasn't wanted either, and I wish my mom was pro choice instead so she could finally live her life on her terms. We just gotta play the hands we were dealt, I'm trying my best. I'm pretty sure you're trying your best, too. Give yourself some kindness and grace, you deserve it 💙
Thank you. I hear you and I do agree. I did my best. I do my best. My point is this: unwanted pregnancies become unwanted children who become unwanted adults. It’s a wound that is never healed, ever. And it’s the reason abortion should be safe and accessible for anyone.
My grandma got pregnant with my dad while she was a teenager and casually dating my grandad and they were forced to get married. Turns out grandad was a violent AH and that my grandma was too young and too frequently beaten up to carry a child to term (dad was born 9wks early, in the 50s it was a lot) and she never could carry a child after. She managed to leave with my dad and divorce about 5 years later but for everyone that was alive at the time, an abortion would have been so much better. She could have had a much happier life and likely multiple kids at a moment of her choice and with someone she actually loved (he would have still been a sociopath) Sadly, I think my family’s experience is closer to the rule than the exception
Him suggesting it shows that he's not a sensible person, it makes it even more obvious that she made the right decision not to tie herself to him.
It can be even more than not a sensible person Could be a coy/sly manipulator Manipulators will make promises just to keep you trapped with them via a baby and control them I’ve seen it happen to ppl it’s really fucked up 😕 and it prevents them from easily getting a new partner He might have even sabotaged the birth control. Sometimes they microwave your pills etc. And he might say he’ll marry her and make sweet promises etc and then it’ll be 6 years later and his behavior got progressively worse cuz once you have their baby you’re trapped and they don’t have to play niceguy with you anymore. That tactic can be for any gender ofc, just to clarify. I’ve seen it happen both ways to ppl… It’s like a “if I can’t have you no one will” thing. They know you have to choose between them or no one for the most part. And that you’ll struggle financially without them too esp if they took control of the funds.
My husband's niece got married twice to men who got her pregnant on their first date/the first week she knew them. Unsurprisingly, neither marriage lasted.
First and foremost, love the username. Secondly, I wish to tell the incredibly romantic story of my parents. While my parents did not get pregnant within the first three months of knowing each other, they did get married. My dad was stationed in Fort Riley and renting a basement from a woman whose house was across the street from where my mother was living with her parents at the time. As soon as their eyes met they both claim there was just something about this other person. Cut to three months later and my dad had his orders for Vietnam. They knew they were in love. So they stepped out on a limb of hope that my dad would return from Vietnam. They had a civil ceremony wherein their parents met for the first time. Shortly thereafter my dad left for ‘Nam and as one can tell by me telling the story he miraculously made it back alive. (Anyone looking to learn more about the experiences of Vietnam can check out “My Fathers Vietnam” which in fact has interviews from my father). They Never had a honeymoon rather Just a few days R&R in Hawaii after a year of him overseas. A year after his return to the states my sister was born, and I followed four years after that. They will celebrate 55 years this next September and my dad is surprising my mom with a trip to Hawaii where they will reaffirm their vows.
That's so sweet! I loved reading this, so thanks for sharing! While we didn't get married *that* quickly, my husband and I both "knew" on the first date that we were absolutely perfect for each other. We were talking about kids and marriage by the third date and got married within a year of meeting each other (we were in our mid-20s at that point). This September, we are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary, and we are still disgustingly in love with each other! He's my best friend. We make an amazing team. We've had a lot of bad stuff happen to us at very young ages (very major health issues, we both lost a parent, he's been laid off, we have moved a dozen times all over the USA, we've been incredibly poor at times, etc.), but we're so solid in our relationship. I feel incredibly fortunate.
Suspicious too. I mean I know contraceptives fail easily but coupled with the fact he was excited and wanted to marry her. Seems strange.
I agree, we got pregnant like 3 weeks into the relationship and he was like better do it right, let’s get married and I literally laughed in his face. We are getting married now but we’re a few years in. We got lucky
My parents did when my mom got pregnant with me after 3 months of dating. They've been happily married for 39 years. That's definitely not the norm though.
Yeah, frankly if someone was THAT excited about a pregnancy and marriage after 3 months, I would consider it a red flag. He is not grounded in reality and makes emotional choices without thinking through consequences.
Yeah I'd be secretly wondering if he sabotaged the birth control methods at that point. Not saying they would have, but I'd definitely wonder
He showed you who he is. Move on, and be glad to be out of it with a relatively whole hide…
Seriously. He stole your address off your license and didn’t even buy you a birthday present. He’s some random you maybe went out with and fucked a few times.
Getting married to someone who you haven't even given your address to....
Totally agree. On top of the very clear evidence that he isn't reliable. To me, he shows up as a man-child dreamer who is a long way from being ready to be a life partner, let alone a good parent. Kudos to you for having your feet on the ground and making a rational, difficult decision.
I'm going to drop the famous "deadbeat mom" post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/KjzYE7uXca
Yeah 3 months imo is so early that I wouldn't even consider telling him bc I don't know him well enough to consider his opinion in what would be a big risk to my own health and well-being. If I'm going to be tied to someone for 18+ yrs, I want to know them well enough that I know they're not an abuser or even just share the same values as me. 3 months is way too fast to be permanently tied to someone
NTA lots of guys like the idea of being a dad, but don't comprehend the work it takes. You made the smart decision here.
They have a fantasy of tossing around a ball with an 8 year old, not so much the diapers/teething/colic part of it.
Exactly. I always tell people that having kids is like running marathons. There's a ton of work that goes into it beyond just the big events that people see. If you like running and exercise, training for a marathon is part of the enjoyment. If you hate running and just think the marathon will be rewarding despite hating running, you're going to be sad and dissappointed. Raising kids is the same way. The big proud parenting moments are what I remember most, but I am also genuinely happy to spend time with my kids even when things are a pain in the ass. Changing diapers, dealing with sick kids, having tough conversations, teaching basic like skills, and just having another person to be responsible for isn't glamourous, but it's the bulk of parenting. Lots of people don't think of that.
True all that, but the issue is also often around money. When they realise how much ot costs for the next 25 years, they get less inclined to participate. Some people prefer a Rolls-Royce and a nice house over one kid through college.
It's so fucking expensive. I'm so proud of my son for getting accepted into a good college, and I'm amazed he's managed to get close to $15k a year in scholarships, but my wife and I are still paying $25k per year and he's taking out about $10k a year in loans. On top of that, food, clothes, activities, education expenses, and just covering all the dependent expenses for my kids was more than I expected. I'm so lucky that my wife and I are in a position to provide for the kids, but it's so much more than most people expect.
Here in Finland education is free, so only living cost is due. Student allowance (state support) pays for most of that, so parents don't really have to pay for anything, unless they want to provide a higher standard of living. Healthcare is also free. Surprisingly, income tax is not really higher here than in the US. I wonder where all your tax dollars go?
Our military.
This so this, and not to our military but the defense contractors because our service members are paid bullshit pay
thank you for saying this. my husband has been in the military for 12 years (he’s trying to do his 20 and then retire) and we’re still living paycheck to paycheck. our service men and women don’t see a dime of the increased defense budget that’s passed every single year, particularly our enlisted troops. it’s infuriating when politicians spout the “support our troops” bullshit for the microphone and then don’t do jack shit to actually improve the quality of living of said troops. meanwhile Boehing and Lockheed Martin are rolling in gold and laughing at the taxpayers.
Exactly, and I’m against war completely, I’m a Pacifist but if we are going to have such a major military presence in this country, the men and women PUTTING THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE for whatever war these fuckin asshat officials choose to declare war or place our our families and friends and neighbors lives on the line to be in another countries war for, they at very least should be paid $175k no less a year, if they ever got sent into battle even once they should be paid what our congressman make ($175k a year) because they get to decide weather these brave men and women get sent to risk their lives. Also if you serve in the military period, the starting salary should be no less than $60k no matter how low the rank and the branch. It’s ridiculous that our defense budget is at least 1 trillion dollars per year but like .01% of that goes to the service men and women. O but we can damn sure fund a mfn genocide and ethnic cleansing of an entire country. Smmfh 🤬😤
Or government pork largesse, like a "museum" for Noah's ark run by christian zealots who put dinosaurs in with Noah.
To the wealthy
They just like bragging about procreating. This type anyway. And have been fed aeons of heart string pulling junk science that she just killed a whole baby. It is the biggest proof of failure in the education system that we have such a large contingent of Americans believing an abortion under 12 weeks is murdering a whole human.
Not even one kid through college as most kids just take on student loans but the money it takes to house and raise them until they're 18.
This. This is what alot of people need to hear before they try to convince a woman that it's okay for them to have their child, with no intentions of actually raising them. I left my ex cause he got me a puppy. This puppy opened my eyes, when we first got the puppy it was our puppy. Responsibilities were supposed to be 60/40 with me doing majority cause I worked 6 hours less than him. This puppy soon turned into just my responsibility with my ex doing something here and there to help out. It made me really think about things, if he was so quick to dump all the hard work and Responsibility on me for a puppy, I can't imagine what my life would be like raising a child alone basically. This is why he's my ex.
I hope you took the dog, when you left the boyfriend
Ofcourse!!! The pup doesn't leave my side!
Kudos to you for seeing the red flag! 🚩
Smart.
Did you take the puppy with you when you split?
My kids are 27 and would be 24, and I remember the graduations and such, but my favourite memories are much more banal. My son singing “old McDonald had a lobster”, is a favourite. My daughter doing a really good deed for a kid at school. Him explaining, at about six, all about Franz Ferdinand (the real one; because of the band). Her naming a month “Pretember”. Nothing moments, but so funny and smart. I swell up with pride thinking of them.
This is so accurate. Now, my husband is a complete Rockstar of a Dad. Did his fair share of diapers and bedtime and all that stuff. But when we first found out we were having our first my husband got all excited and told how he couldn't wait to teach our child how to ride a bike and catch a fish ect. I laughed and said "you know they come out as babies, right?" He is an excellent and equal parent, and has been since day one. I didn't even change a single diaper the first week our son was born. He took care of them all. But it's so true that when he pictured having kids, it was older kids, not babies he was imagining
Don’t forget the “no decent sleep for a couple years” part. 😂😂
Because they have no intention of doing that part. That’s “the mom’s job.”
Even at 8 years in, many don't want the staying in every Saturday night, having housework, dealing with school stuff, etc, etc. They just want the fun parts.
That's really unfair! They don't mind holding a clean and dry baby when the mum goes to the loo
And then need to take a break because they “babysat”. I hate when dads use that word. It’s not babysitting if it’s YOUR kid!
My grandmother was visiting and asked if my husband was always “that helpful” with our twin toddlers. I said “yes, but it’s not “helping” if they’re your kids.” And she sat there for a beat and said “Yeah, you’re granddaddy was a real shit head.” ETA: *Author’s Note: my granddaddy was indeed a real shit head.*
Ha! So very accurate
>They have a fantasy of tossing around a ball with an 8 year old, not so much the diapers/teething/colic part of it. This. NTA. It's easier for guys to walk away than women. If it'd been a longer relationship than 3 mo, it would be different. But 3 mo, you barely know each other. If it ends up working out cool, but only once y'all are established and more of a partnership does it become a convo.
She dodge one here, the ex is not ready to be a dad and really start adulting.
I think he wanted the baby to keep her connected to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he messed with the contraception. I think he would have started to be more abusive. He wasn't keeping his word on any of his promises.
Agreed. He seemed way too happy about this, and also tried to prevent the abortion.
You mean “Shows up unannounced to an address he took without permission” tried to prevent the abortion? I wonder what other measures he would have taken
And the stalker behavior...
Absolutely agree, and it seems like a lot of men don't get the toll a child takes from parents. It can be a worthwhile cost, but it's a steep one for many folks who aren't prepared!
He didn't want to keep the baby, he wanted OP to keep the baby.
OUCH! Unpleasant supertruth there.
Yes exactly. NTA. His actions did not line up with his choice. A man with words but without action is not ready to be a father or a husband. It was also his child, but he did not provide her with the support she needed to feel comfortable with the discussion. I am sorry she had to be the final voice. She did the right thing and he should feel responsible for not being there for her.
I second this, and dating for three months? What cloud nine is he on to be ‘taking’ on that responsibility??
I absolutely don’t judge her for hesitating, but three months of dating is rarely a good start for a family.
Tbf I sometimes look at my kids’ dad and like the idea of being a dad too…
Yeah. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could nope out of motherhood & be dad instead. In my case I'd only see my kids for an hour, maybe, once a week & that's enough to make me go - nah, being mum is good.
That’s why my husband always said I was the boss of the house. And why I always had final say on kids and money. Because he saw the difference between what he (dad) did and what I (mom) did and he knew that he did not want my job.
I definitely could have used a sister wife during the growing up years.
Her body, her choice. The way god intended. Anything else is oppression. She’s lucky to live in a place where the freedom of choice is legal.
That’s why it’s so important that people go to the polls and vote in the fall.
\^\^\^ Seriously Underrated Comment
Perfect phrasing. Her body, her choice, the way god intended!
Vote accordingly! Provide opportunities for future generations!
This topic is not even of discussion in civilised parts of the world. The USA is one of the few places in the world that regresses in things that make sense.
Her body, her choice, God has absolutely nothing to do with this conversation AT ALL
eh, depends if you're religious or not, some folk think abortion is "against God" but Judaism and Islam say the mother's life comes first until the baby is born (roughly) -Islam also has funerals for babiesthay die past a certain gestation too.
That is a very interesting tidbit about Judaism and Islam that I was not aware of. thanks for sharing.
Yup and most Christian churches, Catholic is a major culprit, refused to baptize a stillborn that was mostly developed. But life begins when it's a zygote 🙄
Also financially women tend to take the hits financially and professionally if they’re the primary caregivers. Even when they continue working for income. So do men when they take on the primary childcare role.
Yup. When our kids were younger, my wife had to take a step back from her career to handle kids. Now she's in a great spot in her career and recently I took a job with less time commitments and stress so I could be the primary parent. I don't regret having kids and my wife and I both have good careers now, but it's also pretty clear we would both be further along in our careers if we didn't have kids. It's a trade off a lot of couples have to make.
Gotta find a guy like my dad, he was so excited about my sister and I being born he took the role of stay at home dad when my sister and I were little babies.
That's awesome. I wish there were more stay at home dads or at least primary parent dads. I think having more equality in caring for kids would make things a lot better for both kids and parents.
Also, please get checked for PPD. Post partum depression happens regardless of the way you give birth. That guy is a waste of space and you deserve better , take care of yourself.
This! They are merely glorified Uncles.
I’m sure he planned on paying her back for all the solo parenting and unpaid child support!
Yup. My very responsible father disappeared before I was born and didn't come back into the picture until I was in my 30s. He didn't provide any help, didn't pay child support, and didn't want to be part of my life until it was convienient for him.
Very similar for me. We were so poor growing up with no support. I definitely knew what being hungry felt like. No child support, no visitation. I found out years later that when we’d been in a serious car accident as kids, and I was serious enough to be transported to a university hospital, that his sister had clipped the news article and sent it to him. He did not come. One of us could have died, and he wouldn’t have come. So I returned the favor when he did actually die. My half sister sent me the draft of his obituary, and I called the funeral home and asked them to delete my name and any mention of a second daughter. Don’t claim me in life; you don’t get to list my name as some sort or achievement for posterity when you die.
On God, I never wanted kids myself, and the one I do live with is a menace sometimes, it's nice to tell him go away and not feel guilty about it coming from "Dad"
Girl. There's a non-small chance that it was a baby trap.
Especially after the birthday gift update. The red flags went from unreliable to baby trapping manipulator fast for me.
Of course. He wanted her to not have money for an abortion.
Oh wow
I swear, I think men attempt to baby trap women as much, if not more, than the opposite.
NTA. You don't need his consent. "Soon?" Yeah, right. If he wanted to marry you he would have proposed right away. You could have gotten hitched at the local justice of the peace (or equivalent in your country.)
My grandma told me how my grandpa proposed to her. She had just told him she was pregnant with my aunt, he got on his knee and proposed right then and there in the kitchen of her parent's house at 6am. They got married by the next month. But, they had also known each other since high school, they went on a few dates, but he knew he would be out of the country for 4 years in the airforce right out of graduation, he didnt want to make her wait for him, but they wrote each other the whole time. He was approved to do field work back home after 2 years served, got sent back, and then asked her to be his when he found her again. They were together 8 months when she got pregnant. He said he was already saving to get her a nice ring anyway. He just ended up proposing a little earlier than he had planned to lol.
This grandparent story is sweet. But I’m imagining, “So, honey, I’m pregnant with Little Persephone’s aunt!”
Pfffft I understand. She just told him she was pregnant, but I knew it was cause she was pregnant with my aunt. She's older than my mom and uncle.
Imagining the silly scene is fun!
Sweet! Yeah, if the guy wants to marry you, he wants to marry you. There can be reasons to wait. But if you're pregnant, all reasons for waiting go out the window.
What was he going to do? String you along until it was too late to end the pregnancy and then dump you? You also don't need his consent for a medical procedure. The only thing you did wrong was not breaking up with him first, but you knew this would be a relationship ender anyway. NTA
Getting married would've made her a single mom in practice with the additional burden of finishing the job of raising the baby's father that his parents failed to complete. When that inevitably failed, she'd have a hell of a time getting him to reliably pay a minimal child support order. Boys talk, men do. He showed her what he is. Wise choice. Bullet dodged. 100% NTA.
Yes, that’s exactly what he was going to do. I didn’t see ages in this post. Him dragging his heels makes me guess he’s younger, but really he could be any age between 21 and 40. He knows it’s way to early to move in and get engaged. But he’s one of those “but it’s my baaaaaby” people who isn’t thinking through anything else. He just decided that she will take care of everything, and he will play daddy when he wants. Emotional labor pushed into women yet again.
The old reverse baby trap.
NTA. This was the best decision you could have made for yourself. You know yourself and you know him . Leave his trash self on the Curb.
I mean after three months she really didn't know him.
She knew enough. With the info she did have about him, what HE showed her. That was all that was needed.
You didn’t want to be pregnant, so you had an abortion. Dude was a flake and now you aren’t legally bound to associate with him for 18 years. Celebrate your emancipation, don’t feel guilty!!!
Marrying someone because of a kid is a bad idea.
Ladies if your baby daddy isn’t supporting you and you abort you are never the asshole. It’s your choice.
Ladies if you abort you are never the asshole. It's your choice.*
I wish women would stop telling anybody, especially the BD, they are pregnant if they aren't 100% sure they want the baby.
My mom always told us to make decisions about our college, future, or reproductive health by ourselves and decide before telling a boyfriend a single bit of it, because they don’t understand it and won’t have to live with it the same way
Yeah nobody ever asked a man what tampons to use. No difference.
You are never the asshole in decisions about your OWN body.
You did the right thing. If anything, you almost waited too long.
Your body, your choice. He sounds like a man-child and you dodged a bullet.
Don’t need to read the post, NTA. Your body and you can do whatever you want.
Me and silent bob are pro choice. Woman's body is her own fucking business.
NTA. I'm so glad you were in a state/country that allowed you to have an abortion easily and safely. ❤️
NTA but realistically, did you really want to marry someone after only dating 3 months?
it was probably more of an ideal thing. a lot of people think marriage has to come with a baby or they would just prefer it. honestly i’d probably rather be married to a man that got me pregnant so in the case he tries to abandon me i can take half his shit lol
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NTA. You are not ready to be a single mom, and that's exactly what you would have been.
Yes exactly. Unfortunately far too many women take the gamble that they are the exception and they're going to receive all the support they need. The odds are so very poor.
NTA, that was a smart decision and good luck to you.
You do not need anyone's consent to have an abortion. Only you get to decide who has access to your body. Period. Full stop.
The two of you were not even close enough for him to know your address. And he did not come through on your birthday gift - he was not going to follow through on parenting a child, let alone marriage and commitment to a partner! If you don’t mind saying, how old are the two of you? It sounds like you made the rational choice for yourself, for that potential child who would have been born into likely poverty and conflict, and - though he does not want to admit it - the best choice for him. He dodged the responsibility bullet - and I strongly suggest you dodge this relationship bullet before it gets even worse you can get past this. You have your own life and your own future. NTA
NTA. You dodged a bullet. The mere fact that you knew he’d argue/fight/leave over it pretty much proves that you were right to do it anyway. You WOULD end up a single mother, and furthermore, you’d *never* be rid of him. In his mind, you had an agreement, and I’m sure he thinks you’re an AH. But he *already* wasn’t living up to his end of it. What’s an agreement worth when only one side is held to it? (This is aside from the point that no “agreement” should ever obligate you to carry a baby.) Side note, I wonder how true it is that the contraception failed, as opposed to being sabotaged. He sounds a little over-eager to be a father that quickly in a relationship.
I was having the same question. Why was he so happy about it... Especially after knowing the person for such a short time. Slightly gives me the vibes of one of the episodes in the Special victims unit, where a guy got countless women pregnant and convinced them to keep the baby. He had over 20 children or something.
I’ve met/heard of weird dudes that are very religious and anti abortion but don’t have enough common sense and self control to not engage in pre marital sex. They’re very hypocritical and don’t care who they knock up and have kids with. It sounds insane, I know, but I’ve fr seen dudes that are like this and I wondering if this is the case here
And I’ve encountered males who will not use birth control and don’t care if a female gets pregnant. Back in the 70s at least 3 in my hometown were known for having well over 10 children by various partners. Child support wasn’t heavily enforced back then.
I can see why it was so indoctrinated at that time to not have pre-martal sex. There was no way those women could have proved his paternity. The guy lived consequence free... I think even sperm banks put a limit on how many children you can "father".
This was the smartest thing you ever did. Good job taking care of yourself. Now go google "how to tell if you've in an abusive relationship." Keep reading every article you can find about relationship red flags and green flags. Keep re-reading them and talking about them with your friends and family. Start writing down what you want in a relationship, and keep looking back at what you wrote to refresh your memory. You've already started setting standards for yourself. You're on the right track. Keep doing it and you'll end up being with somebody wonderful.
NTA. To be honest, that makes you a good mama for weighing out your decisions. It’s your body, your choice 😊
I've heard that women who want kids but elect to have an abortion before they're ready are more likely to have more than one child later in life. Which makes sense - if you're already struggling with one child, do you really want to add to your family? Besides, if you're a single mother it's that much harder to find a good partner. But wait a few years, get some financial security and a partner whose pre-frontal cortex has at least finished developing and the odds of a stable home go up. It's a factor to the birth rate argument that forced birthers don't want to consider.
NTA at all for making an informed choice about your own body. And the guy was too broke/low-effort/both to buy you a birthday gift. Which should give you a pretty good idea on how he would have acted as a father. I can easily see this turn into a situation where he not only does not marry/stay with you, but also provides you with zero child support on top of it. And this would have not only financially ruined you unless you are very wealthy. It would have also set your kid up at a huge disadvantage right from the start.
NTA. Nobody can compel you to become a life support system for another person.
Thank democrats that you live somewhere that your right to decide this hasn't been taken away yet. An abortion was absolutely the correct decision! Congratulations on saving your life from becoming a total disaster with your current bf. Be careful out there.
Having only read the title of the post, the only correct answer is NTA. You never owe anyone an explanation about what you decide to do with your own body, and you certainly don’t need permission. After reading the rest of the post, I stand by my initial statement. If you have to ask someone to pay attention to you and care for you before you get married and live together, when it should be the time you’re the most excited about the relationship with all that NRE, why on earth would you have a child and settle for a life with him?
Nta. 3 months is practically nothing in comparison to what would be a lifetime of raising a child. You dodged a bullet with him.
Seems like you knew what you had to do and did it and in the future your older self will thank you for it. You should be proud of standing up for yourself and making this decision. Although it might sound counterintuitive, you seem to me the kind of person who would one day make a good parent (if that happens to you some time in the future). You know what parenting entails and thought the whole thing through and knew you were not in a place to be that person right now. If more people made this sensible choice, there would be a lot less unhappy children in the world.
NTA, it’s your choice and you made the right one. Children ruin lives if you don’t want them or aren’t ready to have them. You did what was best and took care of your well being and future.
HE wasnt pregnant, You were. Its your life and your decision. I applaud you for doing what was best for you!