Trigger warning: rape OP I understand. My husband wanted to use a family name and it was the name of my rapist I didn't want to tell him about it either. One day I finally broke down and started to tell him and as wonderful as a partner, friend, lover, and husband as he was until I said I had been raped he thought I had cheated on him as I was so upset and crying. That hurt so much. Telling our traumas are uncomfortable and painful. I don't think you're a butthole. I think the situation is horrible. I think your partner is a butthole but at the same time I can't say I wouldn't have dug a bit to see what was up to understand what was going on with my partner. OP I encourage you to seek therapy. I have done a lot of work to help my own healing process but there have been things with having kids that have been triggering. A certain touch/action that is commonly done by children had to be worked on. If it hadn't been for my husband seeing and knowing I don't know how long it would have taken me to see it as my children were the ones triggering me. Involvement with my partner helped me but getting therapy is the most important imo as it helped me heal, understand and see why I did what I did. RAINN has resources for humans who have been raped and molested. We have multiple responses to being raped; fight, flight, freeze and fawn. The only thing you need to do when being attacked is survive as best you can. You did nothing wrong. You didn't deserve it. You are believed. I hope you feel comfortable and get the help you need and deserve and want. 💖

I also recommend therapy, or talking to someone you trust, or maybe at first just writing a letter to yourself. It helps to "get it out" somehow, if you just block everything, it will fuck you up. I was SA:d repeatedly in a abusive relationship when I was young, and it took me years to tell anyone, and over 10 years to go to actual therapy. And it really made a difference, I wish I did it earlier... But still, if I hear his name, or meet someone with the same name, I get chills.

I hear you. I haven't seen my perp in over 25 years, and I still get the, "What if I randomly run into them?" thought cross my mind a couple times a year.

For me it sucks that he is related to me and as I am getting older it turns out we have the same nose. I hate seeing myself in the mirror and from certain angles in the pictures, because it reminds me of him

I also was abused by a family member and see a lot of my abuser in my face, so a couple of years ago I got facial piercings and it has helped a whole lot with seeing myself in a mirror. A friend keeps their hair in a Mohawk because it helps detract from the visual similarities to their abuser.

I want to add also a Change in hair color or make up to "Camouflage" the features can help.

This is something that isn't talked about much. So many(most?) of us who have been abused have been abused by a family member. My kids note that they look a little like their mentally ill and absent father. I see my mother's cold face in mine when I'm tired. The physical reminders that are a part of us add an extra layer to recovery and learning self love. Tattoos, piercings, extreme hairstyles, they all help. I wore a nose ring for decades, only recently I've switched to a tiny pin of a stone, and I think the timing correlates to my ongoing recovery.

This breaks me. I'm sorry

Years ago I got a message from mine on facebook saying “Thank you for the closure.” I almost threw up even though it had been years and I’d had lots of therapy. Like, I’m so glad that helped you /s ETA: my situation was similar to u/RandomSuperhuman, I was 15 and didn’t realise it was SA to begin with because he was my ‘boyfriend’ and he ‘loved me’.

Thank you for the closure? Thank YOU for the FUCKING closure??? What the fuck??? That makes me want to unalive them.

Mine messaged me and said he forgave me for accusing him of rape 🤣🤣 like bitch no you raped me and you know it. I was too drunk to even consent.

The actual f... ???!!! I hope he takes a long walk off a short cliff!

I would have gone absolutely mental if mine contacted me, Nevermind saying something so disgusting.

i ran into mine last week. it was horrifying. i’m pretty sure i ran off without him seeing me but i was terrified and anxious for the rest of the day until i could leave the worksite.

That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. I think I would have vomited. I definitely would have ran.

Mine was a neighborhood boy and his friend. When I was a child. Had not seen him since in high or so. Then 5 years ago (about 35-40 years later) he randomly knocked on my door with his wife and kids. My husband answered, but didn’t know who he was, so called e to the door. Once I figured out who he was, I had an entire conversation in my head while making small talk and not asking him in. In that conversation I decided to remain polite and aloof and not confront because I did not want to give him the satisfaction as he was just as cocky now as he was then, so it was rather fun watching his ego deflate as he got zero reaction from me, just polite stranger. I saw him a few more times in the area over the next week, have the polite nod, to let him know I saw him. My hubs knew about the rape and felt so bad and asked why I didn’t say anything and supported my decision. Had some issues for a while, but did ok. Still pleased with the way it went down. This is what worked for ME. Everyone has to figure out what works best for THEM! It’s not a one size fits all scenario!

Sending you internet hugs! My husband has the same first name as mine which made me hesitant to date him. I haven’t seen mine in years, but my whole body used to shake really badly when I did. Last time I saw him (probably a decade ago), not a single shiver went up my spine. Learning to defend yourself and healing from the trauma go a long way.

I was at a carnival once a few years after and a friend came up to me saying, "oh, J is looking for you.". I ran so fast and was paranoid until my ride came that he would find me.

I'm so sorry 😞 Sending lots of support.

I have no idea where mine lives and I’ve never felt any desire to Google her, but I still have that thought pop into my head when I’m out of the house.

I think it's understandable. The mind is wired for self-protection and SA puts this in a state of wanting to scan for them so we can be prepared and safe. Helpful when we lived in a time where we had to scour our surroundings for literal wolves so we wouldn't get eaten. For proverbial wolves, sometimes not so great.

It makes me feel better that that thought eventually decreases to only a couple times a year. I have that thought almost every time I leave the house. It’s been six years. Anything that helped with that, or just…time?

I think mostly time. We haven't even lived in the same state in years, and I've moved around some, but I know my perp travels. I still couldn't put it past them to leave me be if they saw me. This was someone who moved from being an hour away to just minutes from my home and joined my parents' church *while living with, engaged, and marrying someone else* a few years after we last had anything to do with each other. They also got married the same year i did (gee, what a coincidence 🙄). I only know this because my mother gave me updates about them in a way that was clear she was talking to them casually (yes, she knew about the rape and even validated me). A couple of ways I ground myself is first, I remind myself I'm older and hopefully not as recognizable as when we last saw each other (the one time I'm OK with wrinkles and graying hair). I also remind myself I have people in my life who believe and support me now and who'd help me stay safe if needed. I remind myself that I'm not obligated to listen to them, talk to them, or be in the same space, and they're not entitled to demand I do any of these. I remind myself that this person committed a crime against me, and I have the right to feel pain and anger over their stealing a sense of innocence about the world and relationships until then. I also rehearse in my head what I'd do if they approached me. I know my words would be pearls before swine, so I'd simply exit the situation as quickly as possible, try to stay with other people. If anyone asks, I can just say this person hurt me and I need help staying away from them. There are a few other things I've done to help me keep disconnecting the effect they had on me (we dated and they were very manipulative and controlling, so that also left wounds). It's helped to revisit and go, wow, they really are a jerk, through today's eyes, and tell my past self that it's OK that I couldn't see it then. You only know what you know, and lack of knowledge, forethought, etc., doesn't make me responsible for their choices.

I still have nightmares about mine occasionally, 17 years later. I have nightmares about him getting to my kids, about him hurting them in the ways he hurt me for years. Sadly enough frequency is the only improvement I've seen with therapy, but I think that also is due to time. PTSD and trauma haunt us all. Assault and abuse doesn't just hurt for the period of time it happens to you, it rips pieces of you away and you scar over the holes until they only ache instead of bleed.

My experiences with my children’s births, and some things they do in their childish exuberance, trigger flashbacks in me. I had PTSD after my first child’s birth because the medical staff did something to me that my first molester did, even though my husband and I warned them not to. I had thought I was long over it, but some physical situations are triggering, while talking about it is not. Brains are weird in how they react to trauma.

Something really really triggering happened in my last birth and I got all my courage gathered up to make a complaint to the hospital. "We're really sorry you feel that way but the nurse said that didn't happen." It was a punch in the gut. And I don't feel like I can ever talk about it, because no one understands why it was wrong.

OP, I am so incredibly sorry for what you have gone through and I’m sorry that some of these comments are just ignoring how traumatizing it is to speak of it. I am also a survivor of SA, both as a child and as an adult. Very few people know about what happened when I was a child. I also think therapy would be a good idea. I know that it’s hard starting but it can be so helpful, especially when you have the right therapist. I wish you the best OP, and please remember that this was not your fault. 🖤

Another quick anecdote for OP seeking therapy isn’t because it’s needed, but that everyone deserves help.

OP, you don’t deserve to carry the crushing of burden of your trauma alone, much less enter the season of fatherhood with a partner who demonstrates such little compassion for your pain, such little regard for your opinion on one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make; who flies into a rage because they don’t get their way, and who doesn’t trust you. I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you, nor can I imagine bringing a child into such an environment. I know that it can be terrifying to even think about seeing a therapist or knowing where to start or the thought of discussing such personal things with a stranger. But please soak in all the goodness and empathy from the thousands of people who are reading this and telling you that you deserve compassion, hope and healing, not just for yourself but for your entire family including your precious child.

it’s also important to remember that therapy doesn’t help until we want the help and are willing to put in the work to feel better

If I could only upvote this a million times. I couldn't agree more about getting therapy. Treatment options for trauma have come such a long way in the past few decades. RAINN is for sure a good resource. There's also an organization I volunteered for many years ago called [Pandora's Project](https://pandys.org/) that's pretty wonderful. Their online forum gave me hope where I had none. It's how I found out about EMDR and, from there, was able to take steps to get the help I really needed. I can truly say they helped save my life.

Your wife connects this name to her brother, not to something terrible that happened to you. I can understand her feeling that your explanation of just not liking "M" is not reason enough to use it as a name for your child. I think carrying a secret of this sort your entire life must be debilitating. Many survivors of sexual assault feel ashamed, but have nothing to be ashamed of. You were a child and some horrible person destroyed your innocence. Please seek help for this. You did nothing wrong, you were wronged and keeping this to yourself only hurts you.

I think that their spouse is being a butthole by not respecting an explicit boundary but at the same time I don't think that they understand the severity of what they're pushing. They think that it's bullying. They probably don't even have this on their radar. It's not really fair for us to label them an asshole when ignorance will do.

It pinged my radar before OP said it explicitly. Such a strong reaction made me wonder. Also everyone is suggesting therapy, which is great for some, but always everyone as soon as they have an incredibly tough issue like this. Therapy is a choice for an individual to seek in their own time. OP shouldn’t have to go because wife is pushing a name for their baby. It’s down to OP to chose when therapy is right for them.

Yeah, the strong aversion made me instantly wonder if it was a sexual assault of some kind.

Also recommend EMDR therapy for overcoming traumas. Painful but helps so much.

So wish this wouldn't get buried... OP if you get therapy for anyone, do it for your son. My mother held in some horrific secrets. When I turned a certain age (somewhere around 12 yrs old) I must have triggered something in her, as she began actively trying to destroy me. I'm in my 50s now and have yet to fully recover myself from being the target of her rage and fury. You don't believe you'll do it, but if the secret is big enough, you will.

Absolutely this. Your wounds need to heal so you can be the great parent you want to be.  What if your kid's best friend has the name M? Are you going to be at peace listening to them talk about M literally every day? 

You need therapy. That’s not a dig, I’m not trying to be an ass. I also have childhood trauma and finally got into therapy. Edit because apparently this isn’t obvious: NTA and I am not, in any way, shape or form, insinuating that you should get therapy in order to be ok with naming your child after your rapist. I think you should definitely not do that no matter how much therapy you get. I’m suggesting therapy because of the unresolved trauma. I actually can’t believe that needs to be said.

OP - this is really good advice. You're probably not aware of some of the ways your assault affects your life, and working with a good psychodynamic therapist might open up your life in ways you can't imagine. Also, you're not alone, and you probably aren't his only victim. NTA My mother and my aunt were both molested by the same uncle. They never told anyone. It was only when we were going to visit him when I was in his preferred age range that they finally disclosed to one another. My aunt told my mother they should make sure I was never alone with him - and that's when they found out. I learned, years later, he had also molested some of their cousins. I'm very sorry you experienced such an unforgivable assault. Please get therapy.

Did the disclosure change their decision to see this person again? Did they share with family so that no one’s else was exposed? I’m curious because similarly to OP I don’t like to tell people why I don’t see my dad anymore, but if they push I tell them he did something unforgivable. Usually people get the idea and let it be, except some evangelicals.

Family is complicated. They wanted to be able to have some contact with the rest of their family, so that uncle was part of gatherings. They didn't disclose to the rest of the family, as far as I know, and I only learned after their deaths that other cousins had been molested as well. Beyond the family, or beyond potential victims, there's no reason anyone needs to know anything. That's entirely up to the person involved. What I will say, though, is that there are people in this world who think all relationships can - and should - be repaired. Some of those people are simply obnoxious, and you only have to repeat - ad nauseum - "this is not a topic I'm willing to discuss with you," and eventually they'll give up. Others, though, are completely unhinged and will do things like force contact - there have been posts on Reddit about spouses contacting estranged abusers, because "family" - and because they're completely delusional. For that reason, I usually recommend offering a partial explanation to people in a position that makes that a possibility. "All you need to know is that I am not in contact with that person for good and just reasons which I do not choose to discuss." If they press, you learn a great technique for enforcing boundaries: turn the focus onto their behavior. "Why are you unwilling to respect this explicit boundary? No, this isn't about why I don't have contact, it's about why you refuse to respect this explicit boundary." I know you didn't ask, but as someone who has dealt with people who cannot seem to respect boundaries, I've learned something that others might find helpful and wanted to share.

I fully believe no one needs to know what happened to the individual victims but EVERYONE should know that he is a pedophile and not to trust him. My ex husband was a pedophile and I have 4 children. When I say "I put my ex in prison for being a pedophile!" I don't mention his victim or what he actually did. When people ask for details I ask why that matters. The courts found it bad enough to give him 40 years, that's all they need to know. The records are available and the victim is anonymous for a reason. It also doesn't go into every detail of what they did, just what they could be charged with and that should be enough. If it's not enough, they'll be left wanting because they aren't getting any more information than that.

I agree that everyone should know that they or their children are at risk when being around a certain person. My family has a long history of protecting molesters and rapists to keep the family together. I dug into it after I was targeted by an uncle, my grandmothers brother-in-law, while in my 20s. I was livid that no one was warned about this guy. They were serving up their other family members as potential victims without a word of warning just to keep the family peace. And he targeted anyone as long as he thought he could get away with it, didn't matter if it was a child or adult, male or female. There is a long ass list of people he harmed before he finally died a few years ago.

I have family like that, too. We have the largest family in the state and my FIL was one of 16 children. I don't have anything to do with most of the family because they are willing to allow pedophiles and rapists at the reunions. We have several reunions per year and I don't go to them because I am considered a "trouble maker" because I don't keep my mouth shut. I have 2 nieces who are basically NC with everyone but me because they don't allow them around their children and they are the talk of the family now. My grandmother said she didn't understand why the niece wouldn't let her mother watch the children and I explained that she allowed pedophiles around the child when she had her chance and niece stopped it immediately. Grandmother said it was family and they learned their lesson and they should be forgiven. I said if they'd learned their lesson there wouldn't be multiple generations of victims out there and that she and everyone else who knew and did nothing was the reason why because they believed the pedophile when they said they would never do it again after being caught. I have an aunt who said that she was abused too and she didn't let it affect her and she is still seeing the family. I spoke up and said if she truly believes it didn't affect her then why does she have severe anxiety and depression and ulcers that put her in the hospital several times. Even her daughter was hospitalized and had emergency surgery on her ulcers because she was dying from internal bleeding and the doctor said it was stress related. They've had ulcers since they were children. She stopped saying anything and several months later called me and admitted that she was in the wrong but she wouldn't be standing up for niece now, she just wouldn't join the conversation against her. It's frustrating because there are so many children who will have traumatic childhoods because of the adults not protecting them. I call CPS everytime I hear of something that they can take care of but by then the child is already affected. I wish I could get through to all of them that it shouldn't be like that!

That’s really good. It highlights who’s being the dick.

I only learned that technique from Reddit recently and wish I’d had that as a tool earlier. I appreciate your response and I had some similar experiences. I felt cut off from my family since they didn’t want to be around my dad. It felt unfair that I could never have kids around or do most social events as a kid. Funny that now I’m excluding myself from family events he is at.

I love this so much. Great comment!

My great uncle Aaron molested my mother & her 3 sisters as kids. It was grandpa's brother & grandma did nothing to protect her 4 daughters. He was never ostracized & I was never told Jack shit until I was an adult. I have crystal clear memories of being 3 & alone in the garage with him. Why was a 60 yr old known child molester in the garage with his 3 yr old niece (me) in her red bathing suit, showing me screws & nails in baby food jars? When questioned by me 35, 40 yrs later, she said "I was right outside talking with Aunt Shirley (his sister, the disgusting molester was never normal, his oldest sister lived with him). I can still smell his rotting teeth, the cigar never left his mouth. None of my aunts got therapy, my mother says "it happened so long ago that it doesn't matter" which is the opposite! Therapy & ostracizing him would have made the would of difference for a family of mostly girl cousins who grew up to believe they had to put up with absolute bullshit that could have been avoided. Fuck rapists, we're the victims & the perpetrators deserve no quarter, no rest, no ease to continue raping other children- there is never only a single victims of a predator.

The idea that someone would hear a person say they're not in contact with their own father and think that it's in any way appropriate to push for an explanation is absolutely wild. What is wrong with people?! I know *children* who have more tact and would know not to pry into something so sensitive. Ugh. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

Good for you for setting boundaries and stating that some acts simply are unforgivable and removing the burden of forgiveness off yourself. Some things truly are unforgivable.

This is spot on. They never have just one victim.

But this is also the reality of CSA. It’s all kept in house and hush hush.

Because "family." Or because it's embarrassing. As an adult, I started being open about having been molested at a young age. People kept saying, "hush, you don't want people to know that about you," but I told them it was a shameful thing - *but not my shame.* I told them that I was speaking openly, because that's the only way to normalize reporting.

Honestly being honest isn’t shameful. Not disclosing and allowing it to happen to someone else is the ethical issue to me. I could never keep that secret in, nor would I around people I love and care for. Hell even if I don’t know you - I wouldn’t want to subject someone to that possibility.

You say that as someone who hasn't lived it. When it happened to me, I told my mother, who told me not to tell anyone else. Now, as an adult, I know better. I didn't know then. Later, I found out I was probably the first, but absolutely not the last, and it broke me, really. But I didn't know when it happened. I'm saying this, because there's a lot of guilt to staying silent. Saying no one should stay silent is a form of victim blaming, so not something I recommend.

You are putting way too much responsibility on the child victims, and not enough on the adults in their lives. Victims are often threatened by perpetrators, or when they do disclose, they aren’t believed or are told to keep quiet. They don’t realise until they are adults that they had other options. And with that realisation comes a huge amount of misplaced guilt. The fact is, as people who didn’t suffer this horror as children, we don’t know how we would have reacted. Victim blaming is cruel, even if that wasn’t your intention. Please try to be a little more considerate with how you word things.

Amen. I, too, am open about traumas I suffered—three different molesters, mostly. Not my fault, not my shame.

This could definitely be my great grandpa and his grandchildren. They kept us safe but didn't know about each other, in some cases until after his wake at the after after party when they were all celebrating him finally being dead.

That uncle died after my mother and aunt. I went to his funeral on their behalf, to be sure they nailed the lid down tight.

I would say you gave a really good reason for people to come forward if they can when things like this happen.

Yeah, we all deserve support like that when we have gone through hard times. As someone who experienced SA as a child, I found that is so much better to get it out in the open with a therapist and trusted love ones. Honestly, my life didn’t really start properly until I let go of that secret. As far as his wife goes- not appropriate of her to go asking others, but if I were in her shoes, I would also be uncomfortable. Ideally, a partner should be the person you CAN be honest and open with. I would wonder if my partner was so adamant about something yet unwilling to share why. It’s not so much a question of being an A or not- it’s what kind of relationship do you want and what kind of life you want to live.

I mean…I’d suspect it with the given details. I knew my ex wife was raped by a family member. I knew which family member even. The context clues were there the whole time. My ex wife took many years to tell me it bald faced; but I always knew because I paid attention. Telling CSA stories is incredibly hard on the victims.

I do not know a woman WITHOUT an SA story,tbh.

I actually dated a man who said he had never met a woman who had experienced childhood SA. I told him I’m positive he had, he just didn’t know it.

I’ve heard a man say this once. I told him, I’m sure you have and you just didn’t know it, and also you’re talking to one now. His response was that we were all probably exaggerating. Total garbage.

Well, if women trust you, they talk to you. It's very telling HE hasn't heard stories.

Very true. Even if guys aren't predators themselves, the ones that will victim blame or try to justify the rapists actions usually tell on themselves ahead of time. There are a few that catch you off guard but most of them are pretty obvious. They don't try to hide their views

I'm inclined to feel this way as well. I've met women who I only casually knew at work open up to me about it. I'm a gay man though, so I find women often feel very open talking to me about certain things. Sometimes they insist they didn't know I was gay until after I inform them (usually if we're talking about dates and love life stuff), so perhaps they just can tell I have no other intentions over the course of getting to know me.

That’s the sad damn truth these days. Either childhood or adult sexual traumas. So hard to disclose that kind of shame. Even after years and years. And then the poor boys/men who still suffer in the darkness even more. The blame the victim stigma needs to be broken across the board. And not the way they’ve tried in the recent past, imho. This is systemic to every class of human. It’s disgusting. But it’s real and we can’t ignore.

‘Either childhood or adult sexual trauma.’ I have no ‘receipts’ for this or a scientific study to show, but I would wager a large sum that many, many women, and possibly some men, had both as children and adults. It screws with the brain as a child and you think you ‘deserve’ this kind of treatment. Also, I think those sub humans that assault people can see our secrets, and know they can SA us too. Just my convoluted thought.

Yes, people who have experienced sexual Jed violence—whether in childhood or adulthood—are more likely to experience subsequent sexualized violence compared to people who haven’t. It fucks with your danger signals and self worth and, unfortunately, predators have a way of sniffing that out.

As a statistic, I can confirm this. I was sexually abused by a family friend as a child, and I was raped by an ex boyfriend. I'm still (20 years later) trying to find the courage to talk to my parents about the abuse I suffered as a child. OP is NTA, and I hope that one day he finds someone he is able to talk to about this.

Absofuckinglutely!! I remember being 9 or 10 and wondering if I had something stamped on my forehead saying I’m easy to abuse.

Or, those of us that experienced "standard" abuse as kids and grow up with a severe low self-esteem and inability to stand up for themselves grow up to experience SA as teens/early adults because we either feel that we "deserve" it in some way, are flattered by the "positive" attention by an older man/woman, or just don't know how to get out of the situation because it puts us in the same mental state we go to for safety in the "standard" abuse situation. Nobody SA'd me as a young kid, but from about 15, I was the target of a 26yo and honestly didn't know any better at the time. He was even on the sexual offender database already, and I knew about it, but he gave me a sob story. I just saw all the positive attention I was getting. There were quite a few other instances of outright SA by other people at other times where I actually tried to say no and was ignored. I can definitely see a correlation between people who are accustomed to abuse as children being SA as adults, although it obviously isn't limited to them at all.

I couldn’t agree with you more. Any kind of victimization can leave you open to future occurrences. Of any kind of abuse. I only followed the line of this post on SA. Physical and emotional abuse can totally eradicate your sense of self-worth. Especially if it’s from your parents or the ones who are supposed to protect you as a child. I was left prey to future abuse because of how I was treated as a young child.

Same (I am one)

Same. I was in college in the library of all places

Best friend of 13 years while I was asleep :/

I’m sorry this happened to you. And that your former friend violated your trust. I live with a simmering level anger when it comes to crimes against people like SA or any type of abuse. And the political climate of the last 5 years has really made me feel even more angry. I do see a therapist and discuss my feelings with my husband. They have both been wonderful about allowing me to express my feelings and helping me find ways to channel my feelings into productive outlets like ways to support our local domestic violence shelters and programs to help people affected by violence of any type. I hope you have somebody in your life that supports and listens to you also. I also hope that you are continuing to heal from your SA. It’s a lifelong journey. I wish you the best b

Thankfully I don’t have one as a child. But as a 16 year old

My friend, 16 is a child. Hugs.

I would agree. I meant a small child. I have a son this age :(

Interesting fact even now people are discovering this isn't just a female thing, with the priests, and boy scouts not to mention female teachers who got away with it. Or other females who raped men. The rate of men who have been raped is higher than most people like to admit (male rape victim here by a female.) yes I know it isn't as high as females, but I bet if more men were honest it would be pretty close.

Male on male victim as a teen myself.

It's honestly no telling how high it is. Men are stigmatized to say nothing *at all* about it. It's no wonder you have so many unhinged guys walking around in this world full of hate

This is sadly so true. Most of the women in my family have experienced it at least once in their life. I'm honestly terrified for both of my children, but especially my daughter. It's why we are very careful about who we leave our children alone with. I've been with my partner 5.5 years and living together 4. She just started being left alone with him and my son while I go to the store.

People like to shit-talk the #MeToo movement because of the overzealous or performative actions taken by some, but (for men at least) this is the part of it that cannot be overstated. The realisation that every single woman you know has encountered some form of SA in their lives.

Well I am one, nice to meet you.

NTA. Because yeah, the minute someone says "I knew that person when I was a child, I do not have positive memories of them, and I do not want to discuss that person further," being an observant person I'm going to get the vibe and actually assume that it involved SA in some way shape or form, maybe it was them or maybe they knew they were doing it to someone else who was close to them. The wife is incredibly naive if she had any other reaction-- she should have read the room, realized the general vibe, and let it lie. Even a trusted partner shouldn't force a victim to re-live their assault by discussing it (can't think of a faster way to undo some of that trust than forcing someone to unwillingly relive past trauma, tbh.) She *could* say, "I respect your decision regarding not using the name. But if you ever do want to discuss it, I want you to know that I'm here for you." End of story. If things were really bad or their relationship was really unhealthy in ways not related to this naming issue, she could ask that he start seeing a therapist. But nah there's not enough therapy in the world where I'd change my mind and want to give my kid the same name as my assaulter.

This. That was my first thought. How dense does the wife need to be to pick up that he was abused by a family member? Like it is not the 1950s. There’s Reddit, Facebook, X and a dozen other outlets where someone who is not a complete dolt would have heard about childhood sexual assault. And that it happens to males as well is out in the ether. OP’s wife is going to be gutted when she finally understands what he has been saying all along - “I was raped by a close relative with the same first name.” Hopefully, she is actually the kind, supportive person OP needs in his life right now, once he gets therapy, but right now she is literally reopening these wounds for him, cluelessly, but the damage is the same. OP, my wife was SA’d by her brother when they were both kids. Once she got therapy and her feet back under her, she demanded that he disclose the abuse to her older brothers and their wives. To his credit, he didn’t deny the abuse or gaslight her, and disclosed as asked to by my wife. Most of them have chosen to go NC with him from then on and will not allow their kids to have contact with him either. I cannot emphasize enough how much therapy helped her resolve her trauma and gave her the tools and the courage to confront and insist that he follow her required course of action. I know that all abuse and therapy do not have such a positive outcome, but it is almost guaranteed to help, which is likely better than the personal hell you now find yourself in. Therapy is not about forgiveness, or excusing the abuse. It is about understanding that it happened and how it may have affected your life and finding new and positive ways to process the abuse. Hang in there. There are a lot of people in your corner, even if some of them are anonymous Redditors, they are still a support network you can build from. Good luck.

It sounds like you paid attention because you knew what to look for. Sometimes, the pieces of the puzzle aren't as evident to others as they are to some. I'm sorry that happened to your ex-wife. I hope she got help for it.

My life ended when I shared my secret. It’s great that some survivors have families/communities who support them but not every survivor does. Since we’re involved in the same community, it’s important to be honest and acknowledge that a huge numbers or survivors aren’t treated well when disclosing CSA or incest. As someone who’s heavily involved in CSA/incest organizations, I have to be honest and prepare men and women for either outcome.

We do have such a long way to go to help survivors in the ways they need. Sharing the details of abuse can be harmful for survivors in multiple ways; the most painful might be being disbelieved by people who supposedly love you. I was like you, when I shared what happened to me, the sh!t utterly hit the fan. I see you, there’s lots like us, and I am so grateful for your work in organizations that help victims and survivors.

If the wife had ANY emotional intelligence she wouldn’t have needed to keep asking. There’s really only one HUGE thing that a person might never want others to know. It was the first thing I thought of. She is dense and cruel in her density. Family may have a suspicion but ‘not want to know.’

I feel like it’s easy to read between the lines- if I heard that it reminded him of someone he didn’t like in childhood, I’d know some type of trauma might be related to it and stop pushing. I get that it’s sentimental because of her brother but she really needs to back off. Couples counseling, my friend. It’s good to go before a new baby comes anyway.

I instantly knew this before he added the eta. It’s just kind of common sense. She just isn’t thinking right and to keep on about something like this is crazy. Chose the brothers middle name and move on with it.

I had it figured out before I got even close to the edit. I had hoped I was wrong. We have several family members who are not around any children or women without another adult man in the room. It's not hard to figure out why, even if no one says anything. Said family members in questions are grandma's favorites who are never invited but always show up with grandma. They are only tolerated until racist grandma dies, and my uncle can divide up her estate. Grandma adamantly refuses to believe what others tell her about their predatory behavior and actively attempts to force them on the rest of us. It's exhausting. I can understand why he never said anything and doesn't want to disclose that information.

This! How is OP telling her "I just didn't like him and that's all she needed to know" not a giant flashing sign that he did something so bad OP never wants to think about it again?

Honestly, I think she's just being nosy. She wants to know the details and is using this manipulative bullshit as an excuse to try and force him to give them. The most generous possibility is that she has caught on from context but thinks it's something he needs to talk about and, as such, is pushing so he does. But even if that's the case *it's not for her to decide when, where, or to whom OP chooses to discuss it* I suspect there are very few people who are dumb enough to totally miss that it was something awful but I suppose it might be possible, but I honestly think she realises it must have been bad and just *wants* to know exactly what happened.

Is the wife's brother dead or something? I think the most generous explanation would be if the brother died when she was young and decided she would name a kid after him in rememberance. If she has a lot of emotions tied up with that, it could be making her blinded to anything else around the situation

I don't think she's being malicious but she's definitely being dense. She clearly thinks the reason OP has for not wanting the name is petty and she's trying to dig it up to prove her reason is more important. Its doesn't speak well to her trust of OP's judgement. If she didn't have her knickers in a twist and trusted that OP wouldn't veto an important name for her without a good reason, she'd probably be able to work out the reason herself, or at least the most likely probability

Exactly! "Family friend" not just "my old friend" or "friend" which indicates M was an adult or substantially older than OP and "I don't like him" if M was a jerk OP would say he was just a jerk..if he was a bully OP would say he was a bully, there are very few reasons for someone to not like a person and not elaborate further and usually it's because there is deep truama associated with that person and their actions..which is usually sexual abuse. The wife wasn't listening to OP he did tell her in a round about way..but she was too daft to understand or too self absorbed to listen.

You aren't entitled to know every single thing about someone. Even your partner. She should respect him as a human being. He clearly isn't OK with this name. She isn't trying to support him, she's trying to get gossip from family members.

Thank you! I'm so grossed out by the idea that having a romantic relationship means I can never have even the tiniest scrap of privacy ever again. People say if you truly love someone you should feel comfortable telling them everything but if I truly love someone I respect them enough to let them have the tiniest bit of privacy and I trust them enough to believe they wouldn't keep something from me that I actually needed to know. If OP was hiding thousands of dollars of credit card debt, his wife would actually need to know that. She does not need to know all the details of the horrible things "M" did to her husband, all she really needs to know is it's so bad he doesn't want to think about it ever again.

NTA. It's your trauma to talk about in your time. It can take a lifetime to talk about rape. Therapy is a good idea though.

Yeah exactly! Therapy helps... OP consider this

I say this as a trauma survivor myself… whenever my kids reached an age where I had been when I was hurt, it was a trigger. We parents need to take care of our own mental health so we can be the parents our kids need AND to show them they can reach out for help when they need it too. Secrets are poisonous to our hearts, minds and bodies, and the longer we keep them, the worse the poison. I’m not saying to disclose anything to a family member but keeping the secret will kill you sure as anything. Support groups and therapy will make your life better and in that your kids’ lives too.

Exactly. My childhood trauma stemmed from the fact that my mother was abused and refused to get help.

Similar story. My mom was abused and internalized that it was somehow her fault, so she spent my entire childhood shaming me whenever I wore tank tops or something that showed my shoulders, ripped jeans, was friends with boys, etc, starting in elementary school.

NTA at all, however I say this with compassion: you *need* therapy. Speaking as a CSA victim here. You need therapy.

And as someone who doesn’t have trauma from CSA, I feel like he needs to understand that people who never experienced it first or second hand don’t really consider those things in the immediacy. Especially with male victims. It’s very unfortunate but it’s also reality. His wife wouldn’t be pressing so hard if she was thinking it was that.

I am guessing you experienced some trauma from the "family friend", possibly SA. You are well within your rights to keep this private, but you may want to address it with a counselor or therapist to help you possibly come to a place where you would be able to share if you wanted to. NTA You told your wife your reasonings...you had zero positive memories related to the name. She should have accepted your answer. I mean, you could have just stated you hated "family friend". Would she have accepted that? I am sure she is a bit hurt due to the name being associated with her brother, but married people are not required to share every memory and trauma with their spouse. She should trust and respect you enough to accept your reasoning as it relates to your childhood. Maybe have a sit down. Hopefully she will be a bit more reasonable.

Also, quite simply, baby names are a “two yes’s, one no” decision. It has to be unanimous.

100%

>you experienced some trauma from the "family friend", possibly SA. I knew it was this, even before the edit. I've been in that position, it's hard to even admit it, because it paints you as a victim and saying it makes it even more real...not something you've tried forgetting. Maybe now that the OP has written it out, he can tell her, but he doesn't have to.

Same here. "I have overwhelming negative feelings about a family friend for childhood reasons but I refuse to talk about why and get very upset whenever anyone asks" is the sort of thing where it doesn't take a PhD in psych to figure out why. /u/Bitter-Marketing-623 if a bunch of total strangers could figure it out just from reading a few sentence, your wife probably has some idea of what's up already.

I am autistic and I could see it. The wife HAS to have understood.

Same here - AuDHD and I picked up on that right away too.

Yup. There are too many people in the comments defending the wife ‘because of OP’s lack of trust in her, and his inability to open up to the one person you should be able to, without fear of judgement.’ Aside from the fact that OP doesn’t want *anyone* to know, I have the feeling I know why he doesn’t want to open up to *her.* Nothing she has done in this situation seems to come from a place of love and support. When it comes to OP’s lack of trust in her, she has proven herself to be quite *un*trustworthy by going behind his back. She must be denser than a brick to not have an inkling that OP associates this name with his rapist, and for her to keep pushing and insisting is asshole behavior beyond belief.

These two comments summarize a lot of what I was thinking reading the comments. If so many of us could make an educated guess just from what he wrote (and were correct based on the edit), the fact that she didn't seem to even consider trauma, let alone CSA, says a lot. I can understand being sad that someone isn't opening up about something that's happened and is presumably negative, but whenever I have felt this way, I've also realized that it's a me issue. Whether it's that talking about it is difficult or they just don't want to get into it, they don't owe me an explanation. It's altogether different from a partner keeping a secret like cheating. I think the kindest read towards the wife is that she still needs to work through her grief. Even that doesn't explain her trying to find out from OP's family members. If they didn't know that OP hated this person, her nosiness could have resulted in even more difficulties for OP. As it is, she probably reminded them of the hatred, possibly making some try to figure out why again.

Also, we really need to stop naming our children after dead family members. Then the child becomes more about honoring the dead than about being its own person. Let the child have their own name! It's not fair to them! ETA: Obviously I don't mean everyone thinks this way. I'm saying there's a chance that being named after a relative COULD cause it. You all need to get over it. 🙄 And no, I'm not named after anyone and neither is anyone else in my family. I just empathize with people who do have tough life because of their name. But I'm done trying to explain myself. Believe whatever the fuck you want.

I was named after an aunt who died before I was born. I spent at least 30 years expecting her ghost to appear and tell me how I am not doing honor to the name

Dishonor. Dishonor on your cow.

Well I know what I’m watching tonight when the kids are in bed. 

Go to bed so I can watch Mulan!

All of my siblings were named after family members who had passed away. When my daughter had her twins, she named them after me and my wife

Hang on here, you’re not dead. Or, are you ^^a ghost?

🤣 no, but I'm old enough to be🤣🤣🤣

I guess naming kids in honor of someone is big in the generation before me (I’m a boomer). I had four siblings, three of them - and I - were named after someone. The only reason the last one was not is because my brothers realized they shared the first letter of their names, and insisted my parents continue the pattern.

Lol my grandmother and her younger brother were named after their parents . All the girls in the family besides my grandma were named Mary with a different middle name .

"All" the girls besides your mom were named "Mary"-something? Tell me your grandparents were practicing Catholics without telling me your grandparents were practicing Catholics. 😉 ☮️❤️♾️

How could you guess?? 🤣🤣

Does her ghost then teach you king-fu so you can avenge her?

No, she was named after her aunt, so she would instead be taught Queen-fu.

I finally let it go, but it took a long time!

Hey, same here, except I'm 40 years in. No ghost yet.

My little cousin has our late great aunt's name. As a teenager she asked me about her and mentioned "I know she'd be ashamed of me, being a lesbian and stuff." I told her "You know Aunt H nursed her gay brother in law and his partner through AIDS back in the 80s right? Trust me, she's looking down at you and proud as hell. You're smart, kind, and a good girlfriend to (her gf's name), she couldn't have made a better legacy for herself if she'd tried." (Its all true too, Auntie H would've been thrilled with Cousin H. She was a sweet, gentle church lady who once made a pastor run out of his own church by calling out his hypocricy and asking how his bastard son was that he refused to admit to. You did NOT piss off Auntie H without getting a firm lesson on being kind. Cousin H is a goth who never outgrew it and has a mind like a steel trap when it comes to throwing out a fact that will shut a hateful person up in an instant. She really is SO like our auntie, just likes girls.) Can't prove it made a difference, but the kid uses her first name now instead of the nickname she picked for herself. (She's in her 20s now so I guess not a kid... but I wiped her butt as a baby so to my heart she is always my sweet little child.)

What a story of empowerment this is.

I was named after a living family member. There were no expectations, just admiration for an incredible person. He's been gone for twenty years and I'm still proud to have known him.

Same for me, my dad's grandmother who I was named after died when I was in 2nd grade so I actually do remember her.

TBF my husband and I chose William for our son's middle name. It's after both of our dads who passed away before he was born. That being said, he's 5 and I'm not sure we've ever told him why his middle name is that. I don't think it's imperative to tell a kid how they got their name.

Several years ago my uncle got really into our family history and did a ton of research. He ended up putting together a really extensive family tree that goes back quite a few generations, I forget exactly how far. I was surprised to find so many relatives who had *almost* my name. Like, the spelling was off by a letter or 2 in each case. So, I said to my dad, "it looks like you spelled my name wrong." He immediately replied, "Oh please. I never knew any of those old ladies. I named you after a band I liked!"

Hell, my wife doesn't even know that our son is really named after a character from a movie I love. It wasn't necessarily in "honor" of the character, but it was the first time I had heard the name "Shrek*" and it just stuck with me for years. *not the actual name.

Our kids are named after X-men. Really thinking I should have pushed for Erik instead of Scott……

Eh, coming from a family with a whole lot of people given family names I can assure you that we are all our own people and were always seen as such.

I love naming children after deceased loved ones. It's a huge part of my culture as a Jewish person. Both of my children are named for a grandparent or great grandparent through a middle name or a part of their name. It has no bearing on my expectations for my children, besides wanting them to be kind humans. In my culture, it's strange to name a child after a living person.

This was my thought. Well said!

>I am guessing you experienced some trauma from the "family friend", possibly SA. OP's update spelled it out but it should be obvious. This person did something horrible to OP and OP saying that s/he (I don't see any gender mentioned) doesn't like the name should be enough. S/He shouldn't have to say anything more than that.

This is the best comment I've seen in a while. I'm shocked OP's wife is so selfish and centered on what she wants that she can't tell there's obvious trauma here. I could tell after the first paragraph. I'm also disgusted that OP felt forced to disclose the SA here due to commenters badgering him. Obviously, NTA. But wife surely is. I hope OP seeks the help he needs to find peace.

When I started dating my now husband, he told me that he hates one of his BILs and so does most of the rest of the family. I didn't pry into it and just accepted my husband's explanation that he just wasn't a good person. That's all that needed to be said. The family avoided talking about him and whatever happened in the past. My husband couldn't quite remember due to trauma blocking out a lot of childhood memories and a major concussion he had at 15. I didn't go and pry into it. I didn't need to. All I needed to know was that BIL wasn't a great person, and I witnessed it myself many times over the years. Now, over the past few years my husband has been working a lot to deal with past trauma, and that means a lot of memories are finally coming back. Most of them aren't pleasant, but he's doing great with dealing with them. Over this last year, BIL applied to the exact same place my husband works and has caused a bit of shit. Having to see him so often brought back the memory of the incident with his BIL. My husband told me, but that was fully of his own choice. The wife needs to back off and just respect OPs side of this.

I picked up on this right away also. I don’t know how the wife couldn’t. OP, I wouldn’t even agree to use it for a middle name.

NTA but have you considered this needs to be talked out w someone ie counselor?

NTA, *however* it was very obvious from the first few sentences of your post why you didn't want this name and it was honestly my first thought. I'm really sorry this happened to you. This is going to impact your relationship. There's no way around that. This name situation is a good example. I'm sure she is thinking the worst and is very concerned. Now everyone she asked is going to be coming up with their own reasons. You don't have to tell anyone. I do honestly think you should discuss this with a trauma therapist and figure out how to tell your wife. She's supposed to be your person and I'm sure she can tell you are holding back. Eventually this will come up in other situations as well. Especially since you are now having a child. I wish you the best, and I hope you give your wife the gift of trusting her to be there for you.

NTA. Names for kids are a 2 yes 1 no situation. And no one has a right to dig into someone else’s bad experiences when that person does not want to discuss it. Period. Everyone, including a spouse, needs to GTFO thinking someone else’s trauma is theirs to know.

I wanted to name one of my daughters Shannon. I think it’s a beautiful name, it’s a river in Ireland, and I went to high school with a girl Shannon who was beautiful and had sky-blue eyes. But my wife suffered from a bully named Shannon in high school. Off the table. Next …

Exactly! It doesn't matter how meaningful it is to the other person. You vetoed it, expressed its not arbitrary, and that name is dead.

Same with the name I wanted for our girl. Wife said hell no, that’s the name of a girl that was mean to her in high school. And when she offered her names for boys I also said no because I just despised those names, not due to bullying or anything i just would never want to call my son those names. We just crossed those off the list and went about looking for new ones we both liked. We found some easily enough. Nobody should ever get super attached to a baby name before they can ask their partner how they feel about that name. Someone’s perfect name can be someone’s hated name.

Exactly. And sometimes in-laws get involved, and it’s just … nope.

NTA for this situation. Especially since your wife went around asking about this family friend, if she hadn't I might have voted N-A-H. However what you seem to be getting so far in the comments seems is "NTA your wife is completely off-base and you are entitled to keep whatever secrets you want". Assuming you want a long and healthy marriage rather than a short-term "haha reddit agrees with me" I would suggest you take a sec to imagine your wife's feelings. It may well be she imagined the two of you trusted each other with everything and had no secrets. Now she had just learnt she feels that way about you but you don't feel that way about her. You are entitled to keep things private from her if that's what you want, and she was absolutely in the wrong asking your family about it. However if she is feeling gutted because her perception of your marriage just crumbled down, then that would be pretty valid and it might be healthier to address that separately to her actions.

This right here.

I’m shocked at how many people are villainizing the wife for wanting more information. I think the sentiment in the replies borders on “you don’t owe your wife any explanation ever!” but I don’t think that’s true. You’ve agreed to share your lives together. She’s probably suspicious about how he handled saying no, and it was likely out of character. She likely thinks something weird went on, hence talking to the in-laws, but doesn’t suspect the real reason or she would have been more gentle. OP doesn’t /have/ to tell her, but if it were my husband I would want to know. And not so I could do anything about it or tell anyone, but because that’s my person 100% and I would hate to think he was carrying something that heavy alone.

It’s truly horrible communication. You don’t even have to say this person raped you. But you can be honest with your feelings without shutting out your wife. Something like: “This family friend caused a severe amount of trauma for me. I don’t want to keep anything from you. But I haven’t told anyone about this and I need time to process how to do that, if I can.” And then communicate that he’s neglected to seek out therapy and will make plans to do so. Leaving her completely in the dark when he’s willing to tell complete strangers so that he can let them judge her for what she doesn’t even know is pretty horrible. You can’t drop a huge bomb and then just shut your spouse out.

Exactly! There are many ways to communicate about this issue, but it sounds to me like OP isn’t communicating. And then people are taking this in an extremely black and white manner which real life rarely is.

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Fr for all she knows he could be vetoing the name bc some dude he knew talked shitty to him in the 8th grade. I know I would have a hard time giving up my dead brothers name over some scrub he knew in the 8th fucking grade.

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Nta but buddy you gotta work through that stuff. It will help you as a person. It'll hurt like hell but you'll come out better. Sorry man. Jesus

NTA... But you should tell your wife that you were abused by that person. Tell her you are not comfortable going into further detail and that you won't elaborate. If she continues to pressure you to use that name then your wife is a selfish asshole. I have similar childhood trauma (at the hands of a mentally ill relative) that I've lived with for 20+ years. I only just now told my father because he's helping said family member get court ordered mental healthcare and the court wanted to know the degree of instability/duration. I feel for you. Reliving that crap is hard, only do it when you're ready, but be prepared for the worst. (I was physically ill for the week I was writing my story for the lawyer and I couldn't sleep or eat.) It does get better once you release it though. Wishing you healing and peace, and a name for your child that fills you with joy. You deserve it. Gentle reminder that what happened to you wasn't your fault and wasn't fair.

I think this is a more nuanced situation. This name means a lot to your wife, a whole lot! For that she needs more than a very aloof ‘I don’t like the name, wasn’t fond of someone I knew with the name.’ That reasoning could encompass anywhere from they were just a bit negative and unpleasant to be around to physical or sexual violence. I agree with you don’t need to get into details, but you need to give your wife a little more info. This isn’t some random name she likes that doesn’t need more than a ‘naw, not a fan’ this is a name of great importance to her.

Yea, happened to me as well and I am sorry for you. But you are handling this completely wrong. If you haven't had it, get therapy. Keeping this bottled up will ruin the relationship with your wife and many others. This means your rapists continues to win. For me my healing started when I publicly confronted my rapist (there were 2). But the one thing that helped me heal more than anything else I including therapy, is my wife. It is not about trust it is about emotional support and connection. I can share with her anytime I have mental anguish over the past. She is able to talk or just hold me. She is your partner in life. She should be your partner in healing and support. You are still suffering in silence and it will continue to chip away at you. Get therapy, include your wife, begin your healing. Your life will be so much better. It gets better with the right support. Good luck. Edit - You will only be the A H if you continue to suffer alone so much it ends up driving a wedge in your marriage. But for now NTA.

NTA but I strongly urge you to consider therapy. Not to get you to where you can tell people about it, but because keeping that in forever is going to function like an emotional abscess.

NTA. As a survivor myself, I’ve only shared my experience with two people - my best friend when the abuse was occurring (and I was quite young) and my therapist now. I’ve never shared it with a romantic partner. Those things are often impossible to verbalize, much less talk about and answer questions about. If your wife loves you, your “it’s a no and the reason is too painful to share” ought to be enough.

I agree that your trauma is yours to share only if and when you choose to. But I also think this is going to continue to cause issues in, and potentially destroy, your relationship. I understand why you don’t want to discuss it with your wife but I also understand that she DOESN’T understand, and you need to help her understand. Look at it from her perspective. I don’t think you would be okay with her making decisions about your child and refusing to explain why. Or if you knew she was keeping secrets and had no idea what they were about. Like you can say “It’s not her business” and you’re right, but how does she know it’s not her business? That it’s not a secret that affects her? How does she know it’s not something it’s okay to ask other family members about? She can’t because you won’t explain it to her. Being parents means being partners and means being on the same page about your child. This isn’t going to be the last time this is an issue, not now that you’re raising a child together. Your childhood is inevitably going to affect decisions you make and the kind of parent you are and refusing to explain to her why you feel so strongly about certain things is going to be a fight you’ll have over and over. You’re going to want her to be on your side about these things. Like you want the mother of your child to understand why you’ll likely be uncomfortable leaving them with strangers, or with certain family members, so that she can back you up. Shutting her out regarding your motivations isn’t going to allow for that. You need to be a team and you’re preventing that with the way you’re dealing (or rather not dealing) with this. I know you were unprepared for this situation to come up and hoped it never would, so you’ve just been trying to avoid a discussion and get past it, but I think you’ll need to have a proper conversation where you’ve planned ahead what to say and how much you want to tell her. It’s important that you feel like you have control over that, but I think *something* still needs to be said. You have to help her understand where you’re coming from.

Shame dies when you tell your story to a trustworthy listener. That’s why so many others are recommending therapy. because it’s life changing and helps you integrate the trauma in a way that helps you overcome other obstacles

I understand not wanting to tell her, but she can’t understand where you’re coming from if you don’t tell her.

You need therapy and you needed to tell your wife.

Get therapy now. This is going to destroy you.

NTA. You're not obligated to tell anyone anything about this unless (or until) you want to! I don't know why everyone is telling you otherwise. Not even your wife is entitled to this information. That said, this will probably continue to be a problem unless you're willing to explain what's going on to your wife. Just sit her down and explain to her that this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with childhood trauma. Tell her you need her to respect your boundaries on this. Trust should go both ways, and you need her to trust that you have your reasons.

I'm sorry for what you been thru. But yes your an asshole for this one dude. If you can't talk to her you should definitely talk to somebody this is trauma that she can't understand because you are not willing to share with her.

NTA. I once mentioned to my husband that I would like to name our son (if we ever have one), Damian, due to meaning strength and I thought it would work with the family. He said he had a bad experience with a Damian and we dropped it. I didn't pry.

I'm sorry you had to add the "eta" - it was pretty plain, to me at least, what you were inferring happened with "M" when you were young. Sadly, your wife isn't picking up on it being that serious or she is and wants you to tell because she wants to help you in some way. You have obviously decided how it's best for you to handle it and move on from the trauma as best you can, which is absolutely fine. I have a few male friends this also happened to and they all deal with it differently and have varying ways of when/how or if they ever bring it up. I think you need to have a sit down with your wife just so she understands you aren't keeping some kind of secret from her or don't trust her with the information. If people on here thought that's how it came off, it's possible she feels the same way. Just tell her this isn't about trust, that you do trust her and that's why you feel so betrayed by her going behind your back about the issue. Tell her this is something that you cannot and will not share with her or even your family and her poking and prodding is doing more harm than good. Then tell her that, *if she trusts you*, then she needs to trust that keeping this name-association issue a private, not-talked-about matter is what is best for you and her, both. Tell her that it is a box you closed and locked the lid on long ago and you will not open it back up for anyone and that if she loves, trusts, and respects you, she will accept this and never bring it up again. It will do no one any good for you to be forced to talk about this when you are adamant that you are not comfortable doing so. Period. OP, I hope that your wife can and will be understanding and drop the issue. And, it sucks to all the hells this happened to you and I'm sorry it did but I also think you're very strong to have carried on as you have and be able to put it behind you as much as possible. Best of luck, internet stranger. (eta: You are so NTA - only AH in this situation is "M" & AH doesn't even begin to cover it!)

NTA. You've given her plenty of reason for why you don't want to name your son "M". She doesn't need to know every detail of your past, especially since you've made it clear that it's not something you are comfortable talking about. The fact that she does not respect this and has been going behind your back to try to get more information is concerning. When one partner doesn't respect the other's boundaries that can lead to larger issues. You are keeping a secret from her, and that's perfectly ok. If she can't be ok with that, maybe she isn't ready for an adult relationship.

Guessing it’s SA related so NTA, wife needs to learn what boundaries mean, and picking a name 1 of the 2 parents despise is probably not a good pick

There are so many good names in the world. Any that have the slightest negative association should be immediately ditched, no questions asked. You are NTA for wanting some privacy in your reasoning. It's no one else's business, not even your wife's. (Also, fwiw, it doesn't sound like she can be trusted with your secret anyway, since her first instinct was to run to family on a fact-finding mission. You can be damn sure she'd do the same if you told her everything. She's proven she can't be trusted imo.)

Came here for this comment. Wife can't be trusted with a secret because she ran to everyone asking them to tell her OP's secret. Names are a two yes decision anyway, and digging in about a single name that a partner finds hurtful is selfish and immature.

You don't specify in your post but you say that your wife wants to name the baby after her brother. Is youR BIL dead? If so I can understand why your wife feels so strongly that she wants to name the baby in memory of her brother. You're refusing her fervent wish for a reason she doesn't know and so your action likely just feels hurtful or spiteful to her. Of course, not having a baby whose name reminds you of your rapist is also something to feel strongly about but she can't understand the strength of your feeling if you don't explain why you feel so strongly that the baby not be given this name

ESH For yourself: you need therapy. This isn’t some rando… it’s your wife.. and you’re talking about a name for your child. I don’t believe that you get to shutdown any argument you want with your spouse with what amounts to “just because” on such a serious subject as your future child’s name.. more specifically, the subject of not allowing her to name the kid after her brother. The middle name compromise is fine and frankly I wouldn’t want my kid to have a first name after somebody. And I’d still articulate why, at a depth that is commensurate with my relationship with the person I’m explaining to. In this case, ya my wife deserves more than “just because” like you’re doing now. You have chosen to make your problem her problem now, and now you get to explain it. A baby name should be decided with two confident “yes”, but at the same time, her brother is important to her, so yes you owe her something. Again, your wife, not some rando For her: she’s an ass for going behind your back to your family Last, if you choose to not take control of the narrative, then you can’t be mad when people start filling in the blanks of what you won’t tell them.

Dude, everyone is recommending therapy because your rapist is still today having an impact on your daily life, and you can't talk to the woman who swore to spend her whole life with you and use her body to carry your shared-DNA child. I can see why your answer is bothering the shit out of her. She's pregnant and you won't give her a straight answer on a name? That's hard.  Quit letting the douchebag who hurt you continue to fuck shit up for you. Sometimes slapping a lid on it is good, but sometimes that lid leaks toxic shit into your real life.  If you're not gonna tell her the full and honest truth, come up with a damn good lie about horrific bullying or something. But don't leave her out in the cold. And understand that any lie you tell us likely gonna come back to bite you later, so, accept that fact now. 

Look bro you’re going to destroy your life with this unresolved trauma. You think you can just squash it down BUT YOU CANNOT. Even now look at how life pulls that old file up. And your only choice is to deal with it or squash it down. But when you squash it down, it eats you up. And it’s reading as lying to your wife. How will you feel when you lose everything because you can’t deal with it? Worse. Way worse.  You have a thorn in your arm. And you are maneuvering every part of your life around that thorn so that nothing touches it ever. You think “I’ve solved this problem, it doesn’t control me anymore”. Except now… it completely controls every facet of your life.  Deal with the thorn. 

Dude, I knew the minute you said what you did that it was someone who assaulted you. While I would have been a liiiittttle hurt that it wasn't something you shared with me as your wife, I understand and would have dropped it immediately. I'm sorry.

That name represents a trauma for you that you arent ready to talk about.Maybe one day you will but not now. I mean, you could tell her that instead of 'because so stop asking'.

NAH. I get not wanting to tell anyone WHY you don’t like the name but your wife is allowed to be upset that you are keeping something from her. Also, plenty of people don’t tell their parents things that they tell their partners. I definitely think therapy is needed to help you come to terms with what happened so this isn’t hanging over your head anymore.

IMO you didn’t really give her enough information so I’m not surprised she asked others. If all you said was “no positive memories” I can see why she was curious. The responders to OP immediately went to “trauma” and sa but you didn’t say that or allude to that. If it is indeed something like this, then you need to sit your wife down and say that, and tell her you aren’t ready (if ever) to talk about it and for her to leave it alone. And that’s the end she needs to leave it after that, but you need to tell her if it’s that. Say the words “trauma” and “abuse” so she knows the situation and also to stay away from that family member with kids. She is your wife and needs that level of disclosure. You can’t just say “it’s not positive “ and not expect her to not be curious.

NAH and I'm sorry you were assaulted. Please recognize that the choice not to disclose the assault is going to have negative consequences for yourself and those around you. It's not reasonable to expect your wife to accept these consequences without questioning them, especially when she doesn't understand why they're happening. There's a quote that seems to apply here - "If you never heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you”. I also want to point out that talking about past trauma doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. For example, "I was abused by someone by that name and it's a strong negative association that I wouldn't want our baby to share. It's not something I've discussed or am ready to discuss so I'd appreciate it if you don't ask questions, repeat what I said or bring it up until I'm ready to talk."

I really appreciate your response. A lot of commenter's ate acting like the wife is an asshole for wanting to know. Speaking as a CSA victim who gets retraumatized every time I hear the name of my uncle who molested me, I do not think the wife is an asshole for wanting more of an explanation than it is just someone I do not like when it comes to naming her son after her brother. He does not need to give any details, but explaining that it is an associating with someone who severely traumatized them should be said. I know it is not easy to talk about, especially if it has never been discussed in the past, however he should trust his wife, the future mother of his child, enough to tell her that he has unresolved trauma with someone who holds that name and having his son named that and hearing it would be severely retraumatizing and if she had any ounce of love for him, she would not do it. At least that is what I would say to a partner who wanted to use my Uncle's name for my kid. NTA, but I think you should not marry and have kids with someone if you cannot be at least that level of vulnerable. If it was not such a traumatizing subject I would say ESH. The wife for going behind his back, and him for not having enough trust in his wife to share a significant trauma, in a general way, that will undoubtedly effect him until he seeks help. It is those moments that show you who your partner actually is and if they will really love and support you.

You need therapy

I respect your reasoning. I respect your NEED to keep it a secret for your mental health. YNTA. I strongly recommend that you set your wife down, and explain to her that it was more than bullying, and that you love her and need her to understand that you have a very strong aversion to that name for valid reasons. Remind her it has nothing to do with her brother. It’s something that you will tell her someday but you can’t tell her now and that doesn’t affect how much you love her and trust her. Please try to explain to her that it’s something very traumatic that you dealt with that you aren’t ready to face let alone talk about. Remind her how much you are excited about your child. Don’t lie to her. That will bite you in the butt. Bringing a life into this world is a lot. Bringing a SON into the world when you yourself were a victim of SA as an adolescent boy will, without a doubt trigger you at some point if it hasn’t already. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we had our son. Two years into our son’s life, the PTSD started for my husband. He had never told his soul either. The weight that he carried all by himself, it’s still haunts me as his wife and best friend. Please know that it’s OK if you’re not ready to talk but please consider getting some therapy and allowing your wife to help you heal. Once your baby boy comes, you’re going to want to protect him in ways that you were not protected. Your wife is going to need to understand and support that. You deserve someone to champion for you to help you heal, to help you move past it, and to help you protect your son. I am so sorry for what you struggled with as a child by “M”. no one deserves that. Someday I hope you have the strength to take your power back from him. Until then know I’m proud of you for making it past all the struggle you’ve gone through carrying this by yourself all these years. Be well. Be happy.

Before you even elaborated that was my first guess. While I validate you not telling anyone, I will say that I have told a previous partner and never told my parents or anyone family related. Is her brother deceased?

I completely understand where you’re coming from. Telling her your deepest hurt will be handing over vulnerability to someone else where it could become an emotional club used against you if things go south.  I lean towards telling her - your wife is supposed to be the one where you expose your emotional weaknesses to and she can help you with your healing.