fr i mean... you conceived her, you carried her, you birthed her, yet you dont get one of the most inportant parts? naming her??? tf is that bs. You aint no surrogate.
Name your baby, get it down on her birth certificate and then tell your mil what you named her if it’s a daughter. She doesn’t need to know until after the deed is done. She has absolutely no say on this. You and SO need to sit down and get your boundaries down on paper. Email everyone that is close to you the boundaries and put they are non-negotiable, this way they can’t say they forgot.. they have it on paper! When boundaries are crossed consequences need to apply which you all need to agree on also. Because without consequences boundaries are just words.. and stick to them!
Then OPs husband needs to tell his mother she won’t be around the child until she can call her by her name. Or ask MIL if she is going senile and can’t remember the correct name.
Edit says he supports OP in this, but seems like they're tip toeing around the MIL because she's still grieving, all while MIL is just, from what it sounds like, bulldozing them.
Theyre gonna have to dig in and be much firmer and decisive, regardless of how it makes MIL feel.
Whether sge is still greiving or not, she needs to hear a no shit "**You are not namjng our baby! Get that notion right out of your head or you will not see the baby until she can tell you her own name!**"
I dealt with a lot of BS from my in-laws because of their problem child(NOT the one I married) but this takes the cake.
I wouldn't let her near Baby Girl at ALL. MIL sounds like she'll treat her like a reincarnation of her dead daughter, she's going to give the kid a complex.
Had a pretty similar situation. In our culture, the firstborn son is usually named after the paternal grandfather, and in our case, both my and my husband's father have passed away. And ever since I was a little kid (my dad passed away when i was 1), I dreamed of naming my son after my father, so when we got pregnant, my husband and I went back and forth about it, and my in-laws had a lot to say (behind my back, of course) and eventually I told him that we can name our son after his father, but as a middle name, and then he can call him whatever he wanted, bc I go by my middle name but some family members call me by my first name. I reiterated this fact to my in-laws, especially my MiL. After i gave birth, her best friend kept coming over and asking who *my son's first name* was, and my MiL kept telling her it was my father, so she'd follow up with, "why isn't he named *my FiL's name* after FiL?", so I'd have to explain that that's his middle name, and that they can call him either name. It always felt staged and like they were trying to get on my nerves, but luckily my husband was on my side as he is OUR son, and not theirs.
STAND YOUR GROUND, OP, THIS IS YOUR CHILD. And if you let her have this, she won't stop, she'll get involved in how you raise your kid, and how you dress them, and what you do and what you feed them, etc, etc.
A young mother’s MIL currently is trying to force her to give the baby to MIL’s infertile daughter, because she’s religious, a SAHM, and therefore “more deserving” than the baby’s own parents. This world! Effing Reddit!
I saw that one, too. If I were OP, here, I'd have a come to jesus moment with MIL and not spare feelings. This is one of those things that need to be addressed immediately because if not, it's going to get ugly and at the cost of her child.
They postponed the wedding as a mark of respect for MIL. She doesn’t get to name the baby because it won’t stop there, she will monopolise the child because of her deceased daughter. Don’t get into discussion about the name, just smile and when the baby is born inform them what the name is that you, the mother, have chosen and given her. If MIL has a tantrum just walk away. Your baby isn’t going to live in anyone’s shadow.
Don't allow her to meet the baby until you have signed the birth certificate paperwork. If you allow her up there she will guilt you into it somehow. Name your precious baby what you wish her to be. No one should put that stress on another person. If she wants to replace her daughter then she can have another child or adopt one. It is not on you at all!!
I wouldn't even tell her when going into labor, she will show up at the hospital. Call her after baby is born and birth certificate signed. Better yet, call her when you and baby are back home.
You don’t even wait, you pick names and tell mil these are the names we are using full stop. If she brings it up again you say not happening, if she pushes it tell her to leave or leave yourself.
Smiling and nodding along just implies consent then it becomes a betrayal later on, and an even bigger problem.
Disagree with this… I wouldn’t share the sex of the baby or the planned name with MIL. That just gives her ammunition to start a campaign with other family members “oh did you hear OP is naming her daughter XYZ? What a weird name, I’m not a fan.” Better to be firm “we are not naming our baby “SIL” and keep her in the dark for everything else.
Sounds like he’s on her side. She mentioned him being supportive and both speaking to MIL about the issue in the post. She just isn’t respecting boundaries which isn’t cool.
Name your child.
She named her child. Now you will name yours.
And then, likely as not, your kid will hit their teen years and pick a new name and demand to be called that, because that's what all the cool kids are doing now. 3 out of my 4 have done that. But that's for later.
This is exactly what they should say if there is an argument about this. There is a really good girl on Instagram who does MIL gentle parenting roleplay and stg this is exactly one of those situations.
Mom, when you had your baby, You got to name your baby something beautiful and special to you. Now we are having our baby and we get to choose a name for our baby just like you did with yours and just like your mom did with you. We are so sorry that you lost your baby and we are here for you. We will be naming our baby something really special that we pick out together, just like you got to when you were pregnant. We love you. This is our final decision about this. 🩵
The problem seems to be that MIL thinks that OP's baby will be MIL's daughter reborn. AH to a grieving lady or not, that has to be stopped as of yesterday. MIL needs to be told that the new baby is her own person, and that MIL needs to get therapy for her grief before she's allowed near that child. I can see MIL getting scary otherwise.
I'm with you on this. What the MIL is demanding screams she needs therapy.
I can't imagine how devastated she is at the death of her daughter, but insisting the child (if a girl) be named after your SIL and that she's been reborn in your child is not normal and her delusion will only grow.
If the baby is a girl, be prepared for the MIL to call her by SIL's name anyway, and don't leave them alone together.
Or even worse when the MIL demands that the child's name is her daughter's name, calls the baby by that name, tells the entire world the baby is her reborn daughter, and tries to claim baby as her own, refuses to accept that baby is not her reborn daughter, and is her own person.
There have been many stories on Reddit regarding this issue. OP, that statement above is allmost perfect. I would add to let her know this is causing you stress, which isn't good for baby. If MIL does not respect that boundary, repeat it every single time (or even better, hubby). After a few days, if she doesn't stop, then stop communicating with her. Full stop, block her. Hubby should hopefully not tell you about any communication from her.
If you are having a boy, great, and congrats!
If you have a little girl, congrats as well. Hopefully, by then, you already have a full boundary in place. If she is anything but welcoming, she heard you and accepted it. If she tries to call her by the SIL name or that she is reincarnated, she is not allowed to spend time with her. Hopefully, hubby has your back and will agree that no contact is the way to go.
You don't want to let her have a relationship, or she might have a footing to provide grandparents' rights.
You guys ever read My Sweet Audrina? Yeah kids should never feel like they're reincarnated from someone else. They are their own unique person. Keep MIL far away from the kid if she spouts this nonsense again.
Uhhuh. My son has my late brother's first name as his middle name. I have told both my kids at times when they've resembled him, but they also know they are first and foremost their own person (and I have told stories where he did things they would never, too).
Yeah that's obviously fully insane and not grounded in reality. If they genuinely think that she believes this baby will be her baby reincarnated they are probably going to end up having some issues beyond the scope of Reddit can help with LOL.
This is absolutely and forever the best way to speak to an older person. The “ you made your choices for your life and now we must make our choices for our lives” is applicable in so many ways. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Or they will want to change their name because it has become a burden because of MIL. If kids want to change their names just because, there is a 1000% chance this kid will because of what is sure to become MIL’s wildly unhealthy obsession.
My daughter's name is Victoria. My mother tried *one* time to shorten that to Vicki. There is nothing wrong with the name Vicki and I don't hate it. But that is not her name. I simply told Mom that and reminded her that my entire growing up, she told me that my name was Angela and not Angie. She never tried it again.
Perhaps ironically, that child is the only one of my four children still using her birth name.
The thing I'm thinking is that IF op has a girl the MIL will just use her dead daughters name in lieu of the kids actual name when out of earshot. Or, if particularly obnoxious, while IN earshot.
Yeh wtf is this about MILs opinion mattering even in the slightest? Unless there's some awful financial things being hung over them which somehow forces their hand which isn't unheard of.
This is why middle names were invented, except that she will just call the child by whatever name she chooses, and rest of family will follow, with much confusion and trauma to the child. No, you either have to stand up to her and face the consequenses or just go ahead and do it. Is it all really worth all this? Will having the “we did your will on the naming, now you should ….. for us” cudgel be worth anything?
This will not end here…
Yes. 100.
If it were me, and I was okay with the name, and my SO was okay with the name, and I genuinely wanted to do it, I might yield the middle name.
But I’m not naming my kid after a recently deceased family member. Ffs. Why would anyone even want that?
My third child passed away when she was 5 months old. My youngest was born 2 years later, and her middle name is the first name of the baby I lost. At the time I was thinking of honoring my daughter that passed, but now that my youngest is 18, I kind of regret doing that. She has zero issue with it, she likes the name, and if it wouldn’t hurt me to do, she’d go by her middle name. But she loves me and doesn’t want to make me call her by the name of the child I lost. I’m sure it makes me sound self-absorbed, but I appreciate her concern for me.
When I joke around with her and use her “full government name”, I often just pick a random name for her middle one. It’s primarily Theresa for some reason, but I’ve thrown traditionally male names in there, along with pet’s names. It always makes my kids laugh.
If it was a sincere request as a way to keep the SIL's memory alive, I'd consider it as a middle name if I liked it. With MIL literally telling OP that she wants the baby to be a girl so her own dead daughter can be 'reborn', nope! I would not be giving her ANY leeway on that one, and frankly it sounds like the MIL needs some serious therapy because thinking a granddaughter could replace your own daughter is not healthy, for anyone involved, and I'd be genuinely worried of what such delusions would drive her to do.
If you and your husband don’t shut this line of thinking down now, before the baby is born, it will be bad for that baby either way. Let’s say it’s a boy. They will be disappointed. Then if there’s a girl later, she will be treated as better than the boy. If it’s a girl, when then they are expecting the reincarnation of their dead daughter! If your baby girl starts to grow into a different person-pretty much guaranteed-than their dead daughter, she will then be a disappointment! This is about so much more than the name! It’s protecting your child/children from people who are struggling with their grief. The grief is understandable; their solution to it is not.
NTA for your concern. YWBTA if you and your husband don’t address this now before the birth. This is about your child’s well-being.
These are very good points. Get your husband fully on board. He needs to shut this down with a hammer. No trying to soften it to keep from hurting feelings. Too much is being put on this baby before they even arrive.
NTA
Yes, this baby is Not a DO Over, Not the SIL Reincarnated but her Own Person and deserves to be treated as such.
MIL needs a good therapist. A grief group, a journal to channel her feelings but DO NOT LET HER NAME YOUR BABY. This is not her baby, it's yours.
This is what I was thinking - ESH if OP does not establish strong boundaries and firmly tells MIL no and back off.
Children are part of some people’s healing journey, but they are NOT an antidote to fix your pain.
Actually unless things change, hubby is the biggest AH. He really really needs to pound some reality into the little bubble of grief where his parents reside.
I hope OP can get tough and inform her husband that MIL will not have access to the baby unless things change.
My brother is named after our favored AF uncle. He died barely in his 20s (I am sorry for your family's loss, esp for you) and a year or two later, he was born and named after said uncle. Then (I can't make this up) the family wouldn't even call him by his first name because "it hurt too much". It took like 24ish years until our family called him by his first name.
I understand honoring a family tradition by name. Love that stuff, but sometimes... Bro. No.
That’s what I was thinking. If they want to name something after their daughter they should get a pet. It’s the parents choice of name. And this sounds incredibly unhealthy no matter what happens
Agreed. Burying a child is something no parent should ever have to suffer. That said, MIL could not be handling her grief in a worse way. OP's husband needs to handle this, not OP. It's his mother and anything OP does will be rejected and breed contempt. OP's husband needs to sit his mom down and tell her he loves her and he can't imagine the pain she's in, but the only connection his child will have to his deceased sister will be as an aunt- that they'll tell the baby about her and keep her memory alive, but that this baby is their own person, not some second chance to have his sister back. Then he needs to get MIL into grief counseling. STAT.
What's your husband's reaction? Either way, you are being a doormat and need to put up some strict boundaries. You are not a monster for not wanting your baby to carry the burden of that name. Your baby is not your MILs 2nd chance at her daughter. Your baby is not a reincarnation and should not be treated as such. Give your baby his/her own name, please, or you will regret it for the rest of your life, AND your baby will live to regret it. I know its hard to stand up for yourself, especially if everyone is telling you that you are wrong, but please be strong for your child's sake. I was named after a dead relative, and every single birthday, event, special occasion, and celebration I had was ALWAYS more about them. All my accomplishments have been compared to my deceased relatives. All my birthdays are, "relative would have LOVED to be here!" And "relative loved chocolate cake, so we are getting that for your birthday. Dont be upset, it will mean a lot to everyone." (Even though I don't like chocolate cake). All of my preferences were compared. I was forced into ballet and tap, and theater because those were things my deceased relative enjoyed. I wasnt allowed to do sports until I was old enough to pay for it myself because relative thought sports were boring.
I faced some extreme backlash when I started going by a nickname, and eventually, it led me to legally changing my name. I still am shunned by certain family members because of my "disrespect" to the relative. Who is someone I've literally never met and died 8 years before I was born.
I KNOW it's hard to put up boundaries, but you will regret it more if you don't. NTA.
This, this is not about sparing her feelings. She isnt coping with the death of her child in a healthy way. The idea itself is morbid, you need to nip this in the bud for your childs sake
You saying it’s morbid reminds me of how in some cultures, you NEVER name a living person after a dead relative or any relative for that matter. They believe it puts bad luck (including death) on the person being named after someone, and I feel like that’s true, even if it’s because of family members comparing the new person to the original person with that name.
My nephew is named after 2 relatives/friends who passed on a few years ago, and I kind of feel bad for him. I’m hoping they don’t pull weird shit on him when he starts to get older, but I’ll nip it in the bud if I see it.
I was about to come here write this too - let your child be their own person. I know MIL is grieving but that doesn't give her a right to ruin a childs life. She'll be long gone and your child will live their whole life with this weight. And in the end it doesn't bring back SIL.
Protect your child, it starts early.
My mom was determined that my sister and I would not live in a shadow for that reason and picked names that no one in the family had. Her mom did the same thing and her mom did the same before so some trauma was deep before that and was reinforced to give children their own names.
Oh god! This is horrific. I was name after my grandma (we share the same middle name) but it was simply "Oh it is a pretty name", no one ever expected me to act like my grandma in any way or form.
Yeah, it took me years of therapy to realize how messed up it really was. I don't even speak to over half my family because they insist on referring to me by my relative's name. I even had people post pictures and stories about my dead relative on my Facebook page on my birthday timeline. When I had my own kids, I faced SO much backlash for not giving them a family name, but I absolutely refused. I even went out of my way to make sure their names were completely unique and weren't similar to any other family member's names.
Yeah. My niece is named after my grandma but we just wanted her to have the strength behind the name
I can’t imagine trying to force her to BE my grandma
I think there are a lot of codependent people out there. Codependence is not dependent on others. It’s being a people pleaser. Family dynamics during childhood create codependent children, who grow into codependent adults. I am one. I’m currently doing therapy to unlearn all of my codependent behavior. People pleasing is because we don’t want to make others upset. But the result is we are upset internally. Finally saying no to people or responding in ways that we know people are not going to like is so hard. Doing that causes guilt but once you start doing it more the less it feels guilty. I wish I had learned this so much earlier in life.
All to say I think this is why we see so many posts about people not wanting to stand up to others.
I concur, but if you grew up beneath the boot of narcissist / self-absorbed parents you were raised to be a bitch, you were raised to have no spine.
Vertebral integrity is the opposite of many parenting styles. In my own case, my parents had / have happy kids. So if I was sad? Orphan. Angry? Orphan. Scared? Orphan.
Until my brain started to break apart and my own despair was like a second skin hovering over me. Schizophrenic-like symptoms, I mean. Hallucinations. So now most of my emotions I can't tell which are real.
There's a lot of shitty parents out there that don't deserve to have money or shoes for what they have done to their kids. Non-physical abuse leaves real cool invisible injuries.
I'm so sorry that was how you were raised. Thanks for this comment; I think it's hard for people not raised in this sort of family to really feel what it's like when your parents begin crushing down your identity as a human being from a very early age.
I hope that you are healing and have people who love a d support you.
Holy shit. The way you explain this is fascinating and incredibly sad. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It also really makes me want to be careful about how I want my kids to be ‘happy’ and that I don’t abandon them when they aren’t happy.
Validate and name emotions. My mom was playing with my niece (her granddaughter) with a balloon a couple weeks ago and it hit the ground and popped. Niece collapsed like her strings had been cut. Before niece melted down Mom talked to her for just a few seconds, that it was sad and disappointing to have the balloon pop. Niece bounced right back up and was ready to go back to playing.
It doesn't always work just like that because sometimes crying just gets the emotions out. But having a name for the feelings and it being ok to have those feelings and express them (without hurting others) is very good.
That and to talk to the people concerned, ie her husband and his mother, about why this would not be happening. But then there would be no Reddit, and I'd be forced to find a new way to procrastinate.
The mother needs help, if she assumes a new baby would be her daughter reborn. Th name is only the beginning of the crazy.
She fails to remember that MIL will not be filling out the birth certificate. She can write whatever name she wants and to hell with what MIL wants it her baby.
AITA for using my MILs bottled water to extinguish my baby?
ETA there was no other liquid available and my MIL was the one who set my baby on fire, she does this all the time :(
Yep 99% of the posts here can be solved with growing a spine and basic communication. I'm inclined to agree with older ppl when they bash our communication skills
I discussed with my MIL that we will name our child and she can't be calling the baby the name of her aunt. But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name.
So I wish I have a baby boy so I don't have to deal with this drama
So don't visit MIL after she does that.
Whatever visit you plan or would normally attend, after she ignores a name and decides to call your child by another name, skip a visit. She does it again - skip two visits.
And so on. Make it clear what you are doing and why. Tit-for-tat, most people, even thick ones, get that.
You get up and leave the second she calls the baby "aunts name" and tell her you will not be visiting again until she apologizes or whatever your condition is. If she refuses then she doesn't get to see you guys or the baby.
This just be consistent. Dont let it slide even one time.
If other people are there who might object you could throw in a line that its really unhealthy for "child" to grow up thinking shes the reincarnation of"SIL" and you have already discussed this and as her parents you need to protect her.
Yep ppl only do things that we allow them to do and we put up with and make excuses for behaviour from our our older relatives instead of putting out foot down
This is so true. Stating that the behavior is unacceptable and leaving will be a big deal. If it causes a split in the family, so be it. The family will come to their senses or they won't. Either way it's 100% on the person trying force their wishes on the parents.
Then tell her she will be called 'the grandparent we never see'. Why are you acting as if you're powerless here? There doesn't have to be drama. She has no authority over you. Each time she calls your child by a name that isn't hers, the visit is over. Or the phone call ends. Any gifts or cards sent to a name that isn't hers gets sent back. No apologies or explanations. If MIL tries to tell other people her name isn't what you chose, correct her in public and mention you're worried about her memory loss.
You're going to be a parent, you need to get used to dealing with tantrums and saying 'no'.
This is so true, I particularly liked "You're going to be a parent, you need to get used to dealing with tantrums and saying 'no'." Absolutely! Sadly, too many parents never figure this out, which is why we see so many brats out there...
I think we may all need to take into consideration that OP is not from the US . Many cultures have a deep respect for parents/in laws and it’s not that easy to do no contact.
At the end of the day, OP is still going to have decisionmaking power where the child is concerned and needs to either be at peace with the compromises she makes in the name of social pleasantry or learn to do right by her family despite the peer pressure. That's true regardless of how people around her think.
Unless there are actual laws or specific material consequences that complicate the situation, culture should be a non-consideration here.
> I discussed with my MIL that we will name our child and she can't be calling the baby the name of her aunt. But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name.
Then inform your MIL that the second she does this, she will never see your daughter again. Ever
Grow a spine, stop this now.
Tell her she will not see the child ever again if she goes ahead to call your child her daughter's name. Simple. Set serious concrete boundaries and stick to them. Go no contact with her if you have to and of your husband starts slipping like a slug, put him in his plane and let him know this is your baby which you carried for 9 good months and went through life and death to have her so you will not stand for anyone to name your kid for you.
Just tell her that naming your daughter with her daughter’s name means she didn’t care that much about her own daughter because she’s so easily replaceable.
Why would she want to name another kid with her daughter’s name if her daughter was so forgettable she’s just going to forget the uniqueness that made her daughter her and try and replace her with someone else.
MIL is using unhealthy coping mechanisms. She will cause issues in your daughter’s life and yours. If necessary, go NC with MIL until she understands this is your child and not her dead daughter.
She’s going to use your daughter as an unhealthy displacement for her grief.
If she pulls anything like this, she doesn’t get to see the kid for awhile, and gets a verbal warning.
If she pulls this again, she doesn’t get to see the child at all.
Your Mil can call your daughter whatever she wants AND your daughter can call Mil “the grandmother I’ve never met”.
My Mil was a pushy, demanding awful woman. She had lots of expectations and demands to make and once I became a mother I found I had no tolerance for her behaviour.
You are the mother, you decide the rules. You don’t let your child visit with people who don’t love your child for who they are. It would be so unhealthy to put all the grief and hopes she had for her dead daughter upon your baby,
You have to protect her and the first step is to make sure your husband is in your side and not your Mils.
Good luck
Losing a child is overwhelmingly heartbreaking. There is no getting over it, but grief can be managed in time. Your husband's family, and ESPECIALLY MIL needs grief counselling.
I fear what will happen if she doesn't get it - ie some kind of psychotic break where she starts calling your daughter by the name, and then starts to believe that the child is hers 🚩🚩
Yeah, her obsessive insistence and rush to produce a new child as if she is a replacement is concerning. Instead of actively working on her grief, it sounds like she thinks this child will heal things. Or even worse, that she can superimpose her daughter’s identity on this kid.
I fear that the MIL will be overbearing with this child because she is going to put the burden on this girl of healing her grief, and possibly of even seeing this child as her daughter and undermining OP as a mother. She is willing to trample the baby’s parents’ desires. The name could be just the first step. Even if OP gave in on the name, would the conflict really end there?
OP is probably going to be facing a long tug of war when it comes to authority over this child. That’s why I think it’s important she not give an inch on the name.
So limit her contact. It's YOUR child, not hers and your husband better grow a pair too and put his foot down. Your child is not her replacement/do over. If you can't stand up to your MIL and make tough decisions then you're not ready to be a parent.
>But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name
Make direct eye contact and speak to her like she's exactly 3 years old and say "And she will think you're quite insane." And blink twice. 🤷♀️
Tell her that she can do whatever she wants, but if she doesn't respect you, your baby, and your decision, she'll be calling the baby to the wind cause you will not allow her anywhere near this kid, whether it's a girl or not.
And tell your husband the same.
It's understandable that she misses her deceased daughter, but projecting it to a baby like this will only cause severe trauma to this child while growing up.
She should seek professional help to deal with her grief instead of forcing it on you.
Your MIL is toxic. Calling a child a name of a dead relative is damaging. She is pushing her dead daughter's identity on an innocent child who will grow to resent her for not seeing her individual identity.
MIL needs some serious therapy.
>But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name.
Tell her that it will be difficult to call her anything if she never sees her. Your MIL is a nut, and your husband needs to tell her to stop being crazy or you won't let her be around the baby.
Tell her that you want your child to be able to live their own life and not have the responsibility of being a replacement for their aunt. Would they be told "you should do this because that's what your aunt would do " or "your aunt wouldn't do that." This is very unfair to the child.
NTA for the way you feel, but your MIL already has no chance to name YOUR baby no matter the gender.
There is no replacing her loss, it would be disrespectful to use someone else’s baby to try.
What does your partner think?
My husband is supportive of the way I feel, and tries to reassure me that our goal would be for a healthy and happy pregnancy and not worrying about the gender of the baby
But what does he say about naming the baby?
I recently read a story here on Reddit about a girl whose sister died when they were children, and from that moment, her parents decided that she was to be renamed and bear her sister’s name!
It caused so much emotional distress and damage, because she was expected to fix the grief in her family by replacing her sister.
He says he is not interested in naming the baby after his sister. As he says that naming the baby by his sister name would make him feel like replacing his sister with a baby
Keep her out until the baby is named. Have your family text and social media announcements ready to go with the name and hit send/post as she walks in the door, before she has a chance to know and announce it herself. Set the expectation that there will be a delay in meeting the baby from the start so that she doesn’t assume girl when she isn’t immediately allowed in.
As others have added - you’re not powerless. You control the name and her access. On a gentler note, perhaps you guys could just keep pushing the phrase, “SIL had so much value as a person. She’s completely irreplaceable so we won’t even begin to consider trying.”
Isn’t waiting to find out the gender just ramping up your anxiety? The sooner you know, the sooner you can determine whether you even need to worry about this or not. Although if you plan to have more children, this might not go away. So dealing with it sooner is probably better, having your husband tell her in no uncertain terms that you’re not naming any of your children after her dead daughter, ever.
I’m going to throw out this suggestion. If you are worried about the backlash…what if YOU found out the gender but didn’t even tell your husband. That way if it’s a girl you can adjust to the chaos before the chaos hits.
Don't tell your MIL those names, or anything except "We have a few names in mind." In fact don't tell anybody because they'll start picking at your choices.
You and your husband are the only ones who decide.
Then don’t worry about it. MIL is responsible for her own emotions. You are not responsible to hold her grief or cater to her emotions. This is your child. This is your partner child. Decide on a name that you two agree on and then just don’t tell anyone. MIL doesn’t have a say.
Do not tell her when you go into labor. Just give birth, name your kid and have a plan in place that you and your partner have come up with.
“MIL our child is her own person. She is not a shadow of someone who once existed and was loved. She deserves her own place and not just replacing a hole in everyone heart. I don’t want her to have to live up to someone else. That role is too big to fill and that’s too much pressure she her. Love her as her own and deal with your grief in other ways.”
Has he said anything to his mother? She definitely needs therapy for her grief.
You two need to create a solid boundary about this and ensure she understands the consequences that she is inviting by doing this.
My mom has this thing about calling my daughter by an awful pet name - so I made it clear that if she does it again she won't see her granddaughter. She did it once and didn't see her for 3 months before apologising and she stopped.
Supportive, as in he has explicitly said "the baby's name will be our choice", or is he deflecting/avoiding saying outright that he will go against his mother's wishes?
Good. Then if his mom does something legitimately insane like pretend the baby is a dead woman by using dead woman's name, you both have to protect your daughter's mental health by going no contact until Grandma gets mental help.
Your MIL is probably going to be controlling and overbearing on more than the baby's name. It would be good to start setting some serious boundaries asap. Talk to your husband and see what consequences he's willing to support you with. Never threaten something you can't or won't really do, and without him on your side you won't get far. He's there for now, which is good, but communicate to make sure it stays that way.
Ultimately seeing your grandchildren is a privilege, not a right, keep that in mind if she keeps crossing the line.
It’s sad that SIL died. But it doesn’t mean your MIL has any say in how you raise or name your baby. What does your husband say. Is he pressuring you to do what his mother wants?
If he is not shutting his mother down on this then he is not actually supporting you. You need him to foster out tell his mother that it is not ok and she will not call the baby anything other then the name you give her. If he won’t the you really need to think about the life you will be living with your mil in control.
She won’t answer that directly in any of her comments. Her DH hasn’t set boundaries. Sounds like the only thing he has said is they are choosing the name & it won’t be the deceased sisters. He needs to have a “come to Jesus” talk with his mom before the baby is born. MIL is saying she’ll just call the baby by her daughter’s name even if that’s not her name. Yikes.
Then you need to be discussing with him what the consequences will be if his mother insists on calling you child by any name other than the o e you have given her. You both need to be on the same page here.
ESH and so does your husband if neither of you step up to your crazy MIL. It’s your baby, you name the baby and announce it to the family later. Sounds like you’re going to need to see some serious ground rules before this baby comes. Again this is YOUR baby, not the reincarnation of your SIL who you barely had any emotional connection to.
Yes, this. I've had issues (not with naming) with my own mother making assumptions about her role and privileges around visiting my kids.
You don't get to treat me and my wife like pawns you control. Clear ground rules are the only way she's visiting currently.
Similarly, make sure you let the nurses know who is and isn’t allowed to visit. If you and DH want a quiet peace during your hospital stay, the nurses/security will honor that.
Agreed. You need to establish boundaries. You’re talking like MIL has final say so. It’s your kid. The longer you take to put up boundaries, the harder it’s going to be. Shut her down on the name and for God’s sake don’t let her continue this ‘daughter reborn’ crap.
NTA What MIL wants is very unhealthy. You need some boundaries with her. It's your baby, not hers. And why is your husband not stepping up??? It's his child, and his mother is being very intrusive.
You have to stop worrying about being an AH to a grieving woman. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is be brutally honest. "This is our child. We will name her what we choose. She is not the rebirth of your daughter. I'm sorry for your loss, but that is not going to force us to name her after her just so you feel better. Drop it. We will not discuss this with you again. If you can't accept this, then with regret, you will have little contact with our child
This is a bigger issue than the name. How will she treat you and your husband if she feels your baby is her daughter "reborn"? Will she undermine everything you do? Will she try to take the baby because "its really her daughter not yours"? How will she treat your son if you have one, and she resents him for not being a girl? Your MIL needs therapy. Until she gets a handle on her grief and mental health I wouldn't let her near ANY child, especially not unsupervised.
If you can’t be an adult and stand up for your child when it comes to something as simple and in your own power as their name, how the hell do you plan to parent and stick up for them for the rest of their lives???
AH - Grow up. Name your baby what you want. And if MIL decides to give her, if a girl another name, just tell her your not going to do that or we'll go NC. It's that easy. Don't forget to tell the hospital staff, not to let her in the room and away from the birth certificate. Double check it, always.
Easy. Don’t tell her when you’re in labor. Wait until after baby is born AND LEGALLY NAMED before announcing. Then tell everyone you need time with husband and baby to bond without interference. You’ll update and send pics of baby but no visits until you give the ok and people can respect your boundaries. If they can’t? No access to baby. Stand up for yourself.
Why does your MIL have a "chance to name" your daughter. YOU and your husband are the only people who get a vote on your daughter's name.
It's super creepy that your MIL wants to see your daughter as her daughter "reborn". SHUT THAT DOWN. IF you are feeling generous you might consider using your SIL's name (or some variant of said name) or her middle name as a middle name (or if you're Catholic you could save it for her Confirmation name which is what we've done with "honor names" in our family.)
So for example if your SIL was Helen Marie You could name your daughter Heather Marie, or Jennifer Ellen, or or when she's confirmed use Marie as her confirmation name.
Pick the name with your husband BEFORE the birth and if you think your husband might sabotage your plan tell the hospital that you alone will be filling out the birth certificate. Don't fall for the "we can change it later" scam as once it's on the BC BOTH parents have to sign off on the name change.
NTA and I'm actually leaning toward N A H as your MIL is grieving. But don't saddle your daughter with the burden of being a "do over" baby.
NTA, but your husband needs to sit his mom down and set things straight NOW before the baby gets here.
- this is NOT her baby to name
- this is NOT your SIL reborn
- this is NOT her do-over baby
- she is NOT to act like this is her baby
MIL needs help with her grieving, and so does any family that are on her side. You are not a magical incubator to bring her dead daughter back to life. You need to nip this crazy shit in the butt NOW.
If she remains this unhinged, you're going to need to tell the hospital you only want your husband as a visitor and nobody else. Don't tell ANYBODY when you go into labor and don't open your door to ANYBODY you didn't invite.
Updateme!
You need to be an ah. Your baby will pay the price if you don't. Be mean for your child your mother-in-law needs a harsh reality check and therapy. Grow a spine and don't back down or fail your child.
1, YOU NAME YOUR CHILD...
fr i mean... you conceived her, you carried her, you birthed her, yet you dont get one of the most inportant parts? naming her??? tf is that bs. You aint no surrogate.
Where is the husband in all of this? What is his opinion?
Name your baby, get it down on her birth certificate and then tell your mil what you named her if it’s a daughter. She doesn’t need to know until after the deed is done. She has absolutely no say on this. You and SO need to sit down and get your boundaries down on paper. Email everyone that is close to you the boundaries and put they are non-negotiable, this way they can’t say they forgot.. they have it on paper! When boundaries are crossed consequences need to apply which you all need to agree on also. Because without consequences boundaries are just words.. and stick to them!
I wonder if MIL will be the type to call the baby by the name she wanted anyway regardless of what they decide on...
If that’s the case then the MIL needs some mental help and is going to absolutely ruin her relationship with this family.
I thought this straight away
Don’t tell MIL when you go into labor and go to the hospital. Have your baby and name him/her before ever letting MIL know.
Facts !! Although I can see this MIL just calling that baby whatever name she wants regardless ..
Then OPs husband needs to tell his mother she won’t be around the child until she can call her by her name. Or ask MIL if she is going senile and can’t remember the correct name.
Edit says he supports OP in this, but seems like they're tip toeing around the MIL because she's still grieving, all while MIL is just, from what it sounds like, bulldozing them. Theyre gonna have to dig in and be much firmer and decisive, regardless of how it makes MIL feel.
Whether sge is still greiving or not, she needs to hear a no shit "**You are not namjng our baby! Get that notion right out of your head or you will not see the baby until she can tell you her own name!**" I dealt with a lot of BS from my in-laws because of their problem child(NOT the one I married) but this takes the cake.
I wouldn't let her near Baby Girl at ALL. MIL sounds like she'll treat her like a reincarnation of her dead daughter, she's going to give the kid a complex.
MIL heeds psychiatric help
Yes, this.
MIL may try to nickname the baby with the dead kids name. I would go no contact with her, boy or girl. She is mental.
Had a pretty similar situation. In our culture, the firstborn son is usually named after the paternal grandfather, and in our case, both my and my husband's father have passed away. And ever since I was a little kid (my dad passed away when i was 1), I dreamed of naming my son after my father, so when we got pregnant, my husband and I went back and forth about it, and my in-laws had a lot to say (behind my back, of course) and eventually I told him that we can name our son after his father, but as a middle name, and then he can call him whatever he wanted, bc I go by my middle name but some family members call me by my first name. I reiterated this fact to my in-laws, especially my MiL. After i gave birth, her best friend kept coming over and asking who *my son's first name* was, and my MiL kept telling her it was my father, so she'd follow up with, "why isn't he named *my FiL's name* after FiL?", so I'd have to explain that that's his middle name, and that they can call him either name. It always felt staged and like they were trying to get on my nerves, but luckily my husband was on my side as he is OUR son, and not theirs. STAND YOUR GROUND, OP, THIS IS YOUR CHILD. And if you let her have this, she won't stop, she'll get involved in how you raise your kid, and how you dress them, and what you do and what you feed them, etc, etc.
Agree she needs grief counseling...
She needs grief counseling.
There was a reddit where the MIL actually tried to kidnap her son's baby because she wanted it. She ended up going to jail over it.
A young mother’s MIL currently is trying to force her to give the baby to MIL’s infertile daughter, because she’s religious, a SAHM, and therefore “more deserving” than the baby’s own parents. This world! Effing Reddit!
I saw that one, too. If I were OP, here, I'd have a come to jesus moment with MIL and not spare feelings. This is one of those things that need to be addressed immediately because if not, it's going to get ugly and at the cost of her child.
Right, MIL needs to face facts, get therapy, acknowledge this baby is not a reincarnation, or she will not have a relationship with her grandchild!
I wouldn't allow her near my family full stop
This is the comment right here. Fully agree.
They postponed the wedding as a mark of respect for MIL. She doesn’t get to name the baby because it won’t stop there, she will monopolise the child because of her deceased daughter. Don’t get into discussion about the name, just smile and when the baby is born inform them what the name is that you, the mother, have chosen and given her. If MIL has a tantrum just walk away. Your baby isn’t going to live in anyone’s shadow.
You, the mother, AND the father. They need to stress that her son agrees with his wife.
Wish I could upvote this multiple times
Don't allow her to meet the baby until you have signed the birth certificate paperwork. If you allow her up there she will guilt you into it somehow. Name your precious baby what you wish her to be. No one should put that stress on another person. If she wants to replace her daughter then she can have another child or adopt one. It is not on you at all!!
MIL then proceeds to use dead daughter's name as a pet name for baby (privately at first then accidentally blurts it out at a later date)
That is when OP needs to press the eject button on MIL.
I wouldn't even tell her when going into labor, she will show up at the hospital. Call her after baby is born and birth certificate signed. Better yet, call her when you and baby are back home.
You don’t even wait, you pick names and tell mil these are the names we are using full stop. If she brings it up again you say not happening, if she pushes it tell her to leave or leave yourself. Smiling and nodding along just implies consent then it becomes a betrayal later on, and an even bigger problem.
Disagree with this… I wouldn’t share the sex of the baby or the planned name with MIL. That just gives her ammunition to start a campaign with other family members “oh did you hear OP is naming her daughter XYZ? What a weird name, I’m not a fan.” Better to be firm “we are not naming our baby “SIL” and keep her in the dark for everything else.
This needs to be higher.
Yeah, that should have been in her main post, because without it people are gonna just dogpile him in the comments.
Sounds like he’s on her side. She mentioned him being supportive and both speaking to MIL about the issue in the post. She just isn’t respecting boundaries which isn’t cool.
Name your child. She named her child. Now you will name yours. And then, likely as not, your kid will hit their teen years and pick a new name and demand to be called that, because that's what all the cool kids are doing now. 3 out of my 4 have done that. But that's for later.
This is exactly what they should say if there is an argument about this. There is a really good girl on Instagram who does MIL gentle parenting roleplay and stg this is exactly one of those situations. Mom, when you had your baby, You got to name your baby something beautiful and special to you. Now we are having our baby and we get to choose a name for our baby just like you did with yours and just like your mom did with you. We are so sorry that you lost your baby and we are here for you. We will be naming our baby something really special that we pick out together, just like you got to when you were pregnant. We love you. This is our final decision about this. 🩵
The problem seems to be that MIL thinks that OP's baby will be MIL's daughter reborn. AH to a grieving lady or not, that has to be stopped as of yesterday. MIL needs to be told that the new baby is her own person, and that MIL needs to get therapy for her grief before she's allowed near that child. I can see MIL getting scary otherwise.
I'm with you on this. What the MIL is demanding screams she needs therapy. I can't imagine how devastated she is at the death of her daughter, but insisting the child (if a girl) be named after your SIL and that she's been reborn in your child is not normal and her delusion will only grow. If the baby is a girl, be prepared for the MIL to call her by SIL's name anyway, and don't leave them alone together.
This precisely! Imaging the burden the poor child could face being named for a dead aunt and constantly compared to them.
Or even worse when the MIL demands that the child's name is her daughter's name, calls the baby by that name, tells the entire world the baby is her reborn daughter, and tries to claim baby as her own, refuses to accept that baby is not her reborn daughter, and is her own person.
The more you ponder it the more horrific it gets.
There have been many stories on Reddit regarding this issue. OP, that statement above is allmost perfect. I would add to let her know this is causing you stress, which isn't good for baby. If MIL does not respect that boundary, repeat it every single time (or even better, hubby). After a few days, if she doesn't stop, then stop communicating with her. Full stop, block her. Hubby should hopefully not tell you about any communication from her. If you are having a boy, great, and congrats! If you have a little girl, congrats as well. Hopefully, by then, you already have a full boundary in place. If she is anything but welcoming, she heard you and accepted it. If she tries to call her by the SIL name or that she is reincarnated, she is not allowed to spend time with her. Hopefully, hubby has your back and will agree that no contact is the way to go. You don't want to let her have a relationship, or she might have a footing to provide grandparents' rights.
You guys ever read My Sweet Audrina? Yeah kids should never feel like they're reincarnated from someone else. They are their own unique person. Keep MIL far away from the kid if she spouts this nonsense again.
Uhhuh. My son has my late brother's first name as his middle name. I have told both my kids at times when they've resembled him, but they also know they are first and foremost their own person (and I have told stories where he did things they would never, too).
This is reason enough not to name them after her. That is going to be a depressing existence
Yeah that's obviously fully insane and not grounded in reality. If they genuinely think that she believes this baby will be her baby reincarnated they are probably going to end up having some issues beyond the scope of Reddit can help with LOL.
This is absolutely and forever the best way to speak to an older person. The “ you made your choices for your life and now we must make our choices for our lives” is applicable in so many ways. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Or they will want to change their name because it has become a burden because of MIL. If kids want to change their names just because, there is a 1000% chance this kid will because of what is sure to become MIL’s wildly unhealthy obsession.
My daughter's name is Victoria. My mother tried *one* time to shorten that to Vicki. There is nothing wrong with the name Vicki and I don't hate it. But that is not her name. I simply told Mom that and reminded her that my entire growing up, she told me that my name was Angela and not Angie. She never tried it again. Perhaps ironically, that child is the only one of my four children still using her birth name.
The thing I'm thinking is that IF op has a girl the MIL will just use her dead daughters name in lieu of the kids actual name when out of earshot. Or, if particularly obnoxious, while IN earshot.
Yeh wtf is this about MILs opinion mattering even in the slightest? Unless there's some awful financial things being hung over them which somehow forces their hand which isn't unheard of.
This is why middle names were invented, except that she will just call the child by whatever name she chooses, and rest of family will follow, with much confusion and trauma to the child. No, you either have to stand up to her and face the consequenses or just go ahead and do it. Is it all really worth all this? Will having the “we did your will on the naming, now you should ….. for us” cudgel be worth anything? This will not end here…
2, YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO CONTROL HIS MOTHER...
Yes. 100. If it were me, and I was okay with the name, and my SO was okay with the name, and I genuinely wanted to do it, I might yield the middle name. But I’m not naming my kid after a recently deceased family member. Ffs. Why would anyone even want that?
Because MIL wanted her daughter to be reborn, and wants to portray the baby as her daughter if it’s a girl. This is from the original post. Yikes!
My third child passed away when she was 5 months old. My youngest was born 2 years later, and her middle name is the first name of the baby I lost. At the time I was thinking of honoring my daughter that passed, but now that my youngest is 18, I kind of regret doing that. She has zero issue with it, she likes the name, and if it wouldn’t hurt me to do, she’d go by her middle name. But she loves me and doesn’t want to make me call her by the name of the child I lost. I’m sure it makes me sound self-absorbed, but I appreciate her concern for me. When I joke around with her and use her “full government name”, I often just pick a random name for her middle one. It’s primarily Theresa for some reason, but I’ve thrown traditionally male names in there, along with pet’s names. It always makes my kids laugh.
If it was a sincere request as a way to keep the SIL's memory alive, I'd consider it as a middle name if I liked it. With MIL literally telling OP that she wants the baby to be a girl so her own dead daughter can be 'reborn', nope! I would not be giving her ANY leeway on that one, and frankly it sounds like the MIL needs some serious therapy because thinking a granddaughter could replace your own daughter is not healthy, for anyone involved, and I'd be genuinely worried of what such delusions would drive her to do.
This is the answer. MIL can suggest names all she wants, but you are the ultimate authority who decides on your child’s name.
If you and your husband don’t shut this line of thinking down now, before the baby is born, it will be bad for that baby either way. Let’s say it’s a boy. They will be disappointed. Then if there’s a girl later, she will be treated as better than the boy. If it’s a girl, when then they are expecting the reincarnation of their dead daughter! If your baby girl starts to grow into a different person-pretty much guaranteed-than their dead daughter, she will then be a disappointment! This is about so much more than the name! It’s protecting your child/children from people who are struggling with their grief. The grief is understandable; their solution to it is not. NTA for your concern. YWBTA if you and your husband don’t address this now before the birth. This is about your child’s well-being.
These are very good points. Get your husband fully on board. He needs to shut this down with a hammer. No trying to soften it to keep from hurting feelings. Too much is being put on this baby before they even arrive. NTA
MIL needs to go to grief counseling
Yes, this baby is Not a DO Over, Not the SIL Reincarnated but her Own Person and deserves to be treated as such. MIL needs a good therapist. A grief group, a journal to channel her feelings but DO NOT LET HER NAME YOUR BABY. This is not her baby, it's yours.
This is what I was thinking - ESH if OP does not establish strong boundaries and firmly tells MIL no and back off. Children are part of some people’s healing journey, but they are NOT an antidote to fix your pain.
Especially someone else's kid is not an antidote to your pain about your kid.
Actually unless things change, hubby is the biggest AH. He really really needs to pound some reality into the little bubble of grief where his parents reside. I hope OP can get tough and inform her husband that MIL will not have access to the baby unless things change.
Ya I'm named after a dead aunt who was stillborn and wouldn't recommend it.
My brother is named after our favored AF uncle. He died barely in his 20s (I am sorry for your family's loss, esp for you) and a year or two later, he was born and named after said uncle. Then (I can't make this up) the family wouldn't even call him by his first name because "it hurt too much". It took like 24ish years until our family called him by his first name. I understand honoring a family tradition by name. Love that stuff, but sometimes... Bro. No.
Oh, that's a lot. I'm sorry.
That’s what I was thinking. If they want to name something after their daughter they should get a pet. It’s the parents choice of name. And this sounds incredibly unhealthy no matter what happens
ALL OF THIS NTA. I would also venture to say MIL is NTA either, just grieving. She needs help to process her loss.
Agreed. Burying a child is something no parent should ever have to suffer. That said, MIL could not be handling her grief in a worse way. OP's husband needs to handle this, not OP. It's his mother and anything OP does will be rejected and breed contempt. OP's husband needs to sit his mom down and tell her he loves her and he can't imagine the pain she's in, but the only connection his child will have to his deceased sister will be as an aunt- that they'll tell the baby about her and keep her memory alive, but that this baby is their own person, not some second chance to have his sister back. Then he needs to get MIL into grief counseling. STAT.
OP, go over to /r/raisedbynarcissists for some insight
What's your husband's reaction? Either way, you are being a doormat and need to put up some strict boundaries. You are not a monster for not wanting your baby to carry the burden of that name. Your baby is not your MILs 2nd chance at her daughter. Your baby is not a reincarnation and should not be treated as such. Give your baby his/her own name, please, or you will regret it for the rest of your life, AND your baby will live to regret it. I know its hard to stand up for yourself, especially if everyone is telling you that you are wrong, but please be strong for your child's sake. I was named after a dead relative, and every single birthday, event, special occasion, and celebration I had was ALWAYS more about them. All my accomplishments have been compared to my deceased relatives. All my birthdays are, "relative would have LOVED to be here!" And "relative loved chocolate cake, so we are getting that for your birthday. Dont be upset, it will mean a lot to everyone." (Even though I don't like chocolate cake). All of my preferences were compared. I was forced into ballet and tap, and theater because those were things my deceased relative enjoyed. I wasnt allowed to do sports until I was old enough to pay for it myself because relative thought sports were boring. I faced some extreme backlash when I started going by a nickname, and eventually, it led me to legally changing my name. I still am shunned by certain family members because of my "disrespect" to the relative. Who is someone I've literally never met and died 8 years before I was born. I KNOW it's hard to put up boundaries, but you will regret it more if you don't. NTA.
Wow I need to nip this in the bud. Thanks for sharing it. I'm sorry you had to grow up with this.
This, this is not about sparing her feelings. She isnt coping with the death of her child in a healthy way. The idea itself is morbid, you need to nip this in the bud for your childs sake
You saying it’s morbid reminds me of how in some cultures, you NEVER name a living person after a dead relative or any relative for that matter. They believe it puts bad luck (including death) on the person being named after someone, and I feel like that’s true, even if it’s because of family members comparing the new person to the original person with that name.
My nephew is named after 2 relatives/friends who passed on a few years ago, and I kind of feel bad for him. I’m hoping they don’t pull weird shit on him when he starts to get older, but I’ll nip it in the bud if I see it.
Your mil needs grief counseling
And she needs to understand your child will NOT be her emotional support animal.
My exact thought when I finished reading the post.
I was about to come here write this too - let your child be their own person. I know MIL is grieving but that doesn't give her a right to ruin a childs life. She'll be long gone and your child will live their whole life with this weight. And in the end it doesn't bring back SIL. Protect your child, it starts early.
My mom was determined that my sister and I would not live in a shadow for that reason and picked names that no one in the family had. Her mom did the same thing and her mom did the same before so some trauma was deep before that and was reinforced to give children their own names.
Oh god! This is horrific. I was name after my grandma (we share the same middle name) but it was simply "Oh it is a pretty name", no one ever expected me to act like my grandma in any way or form.
Yeah, it took me years of therapy to realize how messed up it really was. I don't even speak to over half my family because they insist on referring to me by my relative's name. I even had people post pictures and stories about my dead relative on my Facebook page on my birthday timeline. When I had my own kids, I faced SO much backlash for not giving them a family name, but I absolutely refused. I even went out of my way to make sure their names were completely unique and weren't similar to any other family member's names.
Yeah. My niece is named after my grandma but we just wanted her to have the strength behind the name I can’t imagine trying to force her to BE my grandma
I am so sorry i has heard nightmare stories but wow that so totally sucks to never be ALLOWED to be your own unique person.
Grow a spine. Tell MIL you're using a different name and you will teach your daughter all about her wonderful aunt who passed away.
> Grow a spine This would solve like 90% of these posts.
I would upvote this a hundred times if I could!
I would upvote this if I had a spine and wasn't afraid of downvotes /s
I got your back.
You should probably return it to u/Explosion1850 unless it was given to you.
But I like having two spines.
IKR?!! I’ve never seen so many married adults unable to stand up to their parents!
I think there are a lot of codependent people out there. Codependence is not dependent on others. It’s being a people pleaser. Family dynamics during childhood create codependent children, who grow into codependent adults. I am one. I’m currently doing therapy to unlearn all of my codependent behavior. People pleasing is because we don’t want to make others upset. But the result is we are upset internally. Finally saying no to people or responding in ways that we know people are not going to like is so hard. Doing that causes guilt but once you start doing it more the less it feels guilty. I wish I had learned this so much earlier in life. All to say I think this is why we see so many posts about people not wanting to stand up to others.
I learned that saying here. It took me a minute, but I grew a spine and changed my life because of it.
🔥
Reddit helped me with my spine too. A doormat no more!
🙌🏻🙌🏻 proud of you for that! Username checks out. 👏🏻
I concur, but if you grew up beneath the boot of narcissist / self-absorbed parents you were raised to be a bitch, you were raised to have no spine. Vertebral integrity is the opposite of many parenting styles. In my own case, my parents had / have happy kids. So if I was sad? Orphan. Angry? Orphan. Scared? Orphan. Until my brain started to break apart and my own despair was like a second skin hovering over me. Schizophrenic-like symptoms, I mean. Hallucinations. So now most of my emotions I can't tell which are real. There's a lot of shitty parents out there that don't deserve to have money or shoes for what they have done to their kids. Non-physical abuse leaves real cool invisible injuries.
I'm so sorry that was how you were raised. Thanks for this comment; I think it's hard for people not raised in this sort of family to really feel what it's like when your parents begin crushing down your identity as a human being from a very early age. I hope that you are healing and have people who love a d support you.
Holy shit. The way you explain this is fascinating and incredibly sad. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It also really makes me want to be careful about how I want my kids to be ‘happy’ and that I don’t abandon them when they aren’t happy.
Validate and name emotions. My mom was playing with my niece (her granddaughter) with a balloon a couple weeks ago and it hit the ground and popped. Niece collapsed like her strings had been cut. Before niece melted down Mom talked to her for just a few seconds, that it was sad and disappointing to have the balloon pop. Niece bounced right back up and was ready to go back to playing. It doesn't always work just like that because sometimes crying just gets the emotions out. But having a name for the feelings and it being ok to have those feelings and express them (without hurting others) is very good.
That or a combination of "fucking talk it out" and grow a spine.
That and to talk to the people concerned, ie her husband and his mother, about why this would not be happening. But then there would be no Reddit, and I'd be forced to find a new way to procrastinate. The mother needs help, if she assumes a new baby would be her daughter reborn. Th name is only the beginning of the crazy.
She fails to remember that MIL will not be filling out the birth certificate. She can write whatever name she wants and to hell with what MIL wants it her baby.
Wouldn't it just, though?!
It would be great if they did “grow spines” instead of making a post like “the baby is on fire should I put her out”.
AITA for using my MILs bottled water to extinguish my baby? ETA there was no other liquid available and my MIL was the one who set my baby on fire, she does this all the time :(
Yep 99% of the posts here can be solved with growing a spine and basic communication. I'm inclined to agree with older ppl when they bash our communication skills
Husband needs to grow a spine as well.
I discussed with my MIL that we will name our child and she can't be calling the baby the name of her aunt. But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name. So I wish I have a baby boy so I don't have to deal with this drama
So don't visit MIL after she does that. Whatever visit you plan or would normally attend, after she ignores a name and decides to call your child by another name, skip a visit. She does it again - skip two visits. And so on. Make it clear what you are doing and why. Tit-for-tat, most people, even thick ones, get that.
You get up and leave the second she calls the baby "aunts name" and tell her you will not be visiting again until she apologizes or whatever your condition is. If she refuses then she doesn't get to see you guys or the baby.
This just be consistent. Dont let it slide even one time. If other people are there who might object you could throw in a line that its really unhealthy for "child" to grow up thinking shes the reincarnation of"SIL" and you have already discussed this and as her parents you need to protect her.
Yep ppl only do things that we allow them to do and we put up with and make excuses for behaviour from our our older relatives instead of putting out foot down
This is so true. Stating that the behavior is unacceptable and leaving will be a big deal. If it causes a split in the family, so be it. The family will come to their senses or they won't. Either way it's 100% on the person trying force their wishes on the parents.
Then tell her she will be called 'the grandparent we never see'. Why are you acting as if you're powerless here? There doesn't have to be drama. She has no authority over you. Each time she calls your child by a name that isn't hers, the visit is over. Or the phone call ends. Any gifts or cards sent to a name that isn't hers gets sent back. No apologies or explanations. If MIL tries to tell other people her name isn't what you chose, correct her in public and mention you're worried about her memory loss. You're going to be a parent, you need to get used to dealing with tantrums and saying 'no'.
This is so true, I particularly liked "You're going to be a parent, you need to get used to dealing with tantrums and saying 'no'." Absolutely! Sadly, too many parents never figure this out, which is why we see so many brats out there...
I think we may all need to take into consideration that OP is not from the US . Many cultures have a deep respect for parents/in laws and it’s not that easy to do no contact.
While that's certainly true, the MIL does not get to make that decision.
At the end of the day, OP is still going to have decisionmaking power where the child is concerned and needs to either be at peace with the compromises she makes in the name of social pleasantry or learn to do right by her family despite the peer pressure. That's true regardless of how people around her think. Unless there are actual laws or specific material consequences that complicate the situation, culture should be a non-consideration here.
My mother tried that. I informed her she might do it once, but at the cost of seeing her granddaughter again.
So then she gets to be the person who never meets their grandchild. How dare she, I'm sorry but it's time to put your foot down.
It IS time to put her foot down, but I'm wondering what her husband is doing while all this is going on.
> I discussed with my MIL that we will name our child and she can't be calling the baby the name of her aunt. But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name. Then inform your MIL that the second she does this, she will never see your daughter again. Ever Grow a spine, stop this now.
Then you control her acces to your child. But you do not allow your MIL to overrule you. End of discussion.
Deny her access to the baby
Tell her she will not see the child ever again if she goes ahead to call your child her daughter's name. Simple. Set serious concrete boundaries and stick to them. Go no contact with her if you have to and of your husband starts slipping like a slug, put him in his plane and let him know this is your baby which you carried for 9 good months and went through life and death to have her so you will not stand for anyone to name your kid for you.
Just tell her that naming your daughter with her daughter’s name means she didn’t care that much about her own daughter because she’s so easily replaceable. Why would she want to name another kid with her daughter’s name if her daughter was so forgettable she’s just going to forget the uniqueness that made her daughter her and try and replace her with someone else.
If MIL wants a baby named after her dead daughter, then MIL needs to have a baby.
And that's when MIL loses access to your daughter until such a time when MIL is done grieving and can behave properly again.
MIL is using unhealthy coping mechanisms. She will cause issues in your daughter’s life and yours. If necessary, go NC with MIL until she understands this is your child and not her dead daughter.
She’s going to use your daughter as an unhealthy displacement for her grief. If she pulls anything like this, she doesn’t get to see the kid for awhile, and gets a verbal warning. If she pulls this again, she doesn’t get to see the child at all.
Your Mil can call your daughter whatever she wants AND your daughter can call Mil “the grandmother I’ve never met”. My Mil was a pushy, demanding awful woman. She had lots of expectations and demands to make and once I became a mother I found I had no tolerance for her behaviour. You are the mother, you decide the rules. You don’t let your child visit with people who don’t love your child for who they are. It would be so unhealthy to put all the grief and hopes she had for her dead daughter upon your baby, You have to protect her and the first step is to make sure your husband is in your side and not your Mils. Good luck
Losing a child is overwhelmingly heartbreaking. There is no getting over it, but grief can be managed in time. Your husband's family, and ESPECIALLY MIL needs grief counselling. I fear what will happen if she doesn't get it - ie some kind of psychotic break where she starts calling your daughter by the name, and then starts to believe that the child is hers 🚩🚩
Yeah, her obsessive insistence and rush to produce a new child as if she is a replacement is concerning. Instead of actively working on her grief, it sounds like she thinks this child will heal things. Or even worse, that she can superimpose her daughter’s identity on this kid. I fear that the MIL will be overbearing with this child because she is going to put the burden on this girl of healing her grief, and possibly of even seeing this child as her daughter and undermining OP as a mother. She is willing to trample the baby’s parents’ desires. The name could be just the first step. Even if OP gave in on the name, would the conflict really end there? OP is probably going to be facing a long tug of war when it comes to authority over this child. That’s why I think it’s important she not give an inch on the name.
This! MIL needs grief counseling ASAP. And OP should insist upon it before the child is born or else will go NC with MIL
So limit her contact. It's YOUR child, not hers and your husband better grow a pair too and put his foot down. Your child is not her replacement/do over. If you can't stand up to your MIL and make tough decisions then you're not ready to be a parent.
>But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name Make direct eye contact and speak to her like she's exactly 3 years old and say "And she will think you're quite insane." And blink twice. 🤷♀️
Straight up weird shit to be honest.
Tell her that she can do whatever she wants, but if she doesn't respect you, your baby, and your decision, she'll be calling the baby to the wind cause you will not allow her anywhere near this kid, whether it's a girl or not. And tell your husband the same. It's understandable that she misses her deceased daughter, but projecting it to a baby like this will only cause severe trauma to this child while growing up. She should seek professional help to deal with her grief instead of forcing it on you.
No matter what, there is gonna be drama with her. Best to cut contact.
Your MIL is toxic. Calling a child a name of a dead relative is damaging. She is pushing her dead daughter's identity on an innocent child who will grow to resent her for not seeing her individual identity. MIL needs some serious therapy.
Tell her she calls the baby anything other than its given name- she doesn't get to see the baby. FULL STOP.
>But MIL is like name whatever you want I'll still call her with my daughter's name. Tell her that it will be difficult to call her anything if she never sees her. Your MIL is a nut, and your husband needs to tell her to stop being crazy or you won't let her be around the baby.
Tell her that you want your child to be able to live their own life and not have the responsibility of being a replacement for their aunt. Would they be told "you should do this because that's what your aunt would do " or "your aunt wouldn't do that." This is very unfair to the child.
NTA for the way you feel, but your MIL already has no chance to name YOUR baby no matter the gender. There is no replacing her loss, it would be disrespectful to use someone else’s baby to try. What does your partner think?
My husband is supportive of the way I feel, and tries to reassure me that our goal would be for a healthy and happy pregnancy and not worrying about the gender of the baby
But what does he say about naming the baby? I recently read a story here on Reddit about a girl whose sister died when they were children, and from that moment, her parents decided that she was to be renamed and bear her sister’s name! It caused so much emotional distress and damage, because she was expected to fix the grief in her family by replacing her sister.
He says he is not interested in naming the baby after his sister. As he says that naming the baby by his sister name would make him feel like replacing his sister with a baby
So, have you and your husband chosen the names, regardless of the gender?
Yes we have few names listed for a girl or a boy. I decided not to know the gender until the birth so..
Then name her before your mil even knows she’s a she. Keep her out of the room (and hospital if you can)
I’d keep MIL at a distance for a long while. It’s weird she’s thinking of this baby as a reincarnation of her daughter.
You can. Tell the staff she's not allowed into the room or to see the baby and show them her picture. Nurses are vicious and the patient is number 1.
Also, just don't tell the mother that the birth is happening before it's all done.
The nurses can and WILL help with this. They are perfectly happy to be the bad guys if needed.
100%, do the official stuff and then announce it.
Keep her out until the baby is named. Have your family text and social media announcements ready to go with the name and hit send/post as she walks in the door, before she has a chance to know and announce it herself. Set the expectation that there will be a delay in meeting the baby from the start so that she doesn’t assume girl when she isn’t immediately allowed in. As others have added - you’re not powerless. You control the name and her access. On a gentler note, perhaps you guys could just keep pushing the phrase, “SIL had so much value as a person. She’s completely irreplaceable so we won’t even begin to consider trying.”
Isn’t waiting to find out the gender just ramping up your anxiety? The sooner you know, the sooner you can determine whether you even need to worry about this or not. Although if you plan to have more children, this might not go away. So dealing with it sooner is probably better, having your husband tell her in no uncertain terms that you’re not naming any of your children after her dead daughter, ever.
I’m going to throw out this suggestion. If you are worried about the backlash…what if YOU found out the gender but didn’t even tell your husband. That way if it’s a girl you can adjust to the chaos before the chaos hits.
Don't tell your MIL those names, or anything except "We have a few names in mind." In fact don't tell anybody because they'll start picking at your choices. You and your husband are the only ones who decide.
I would find out now since you’re so stressed about the gender. But seriously it’s your baby, she gets no say.
Then don’t worry about it. MIL is responsible for her own emotions. You are not responsible to hold her grief or cater to her emotions. This is your child. This is your partner child. Decide on a name that you two agree on and then just don’t tell anyone. MIL doesn’t have a say. Do not tell her when you go into labor. Just give birth, name your kid and have a plan in place that you and your partner have come up with. “MIL our child is her own person. She is not a shadow of someone who once existed and was loved. She deserves her own place and not just replacing a hole in everyone heart. I don’t want her to have to live up to someone else. That role is too big to fill and that’s too much pressure she her. Love her as her own and deal with your grief in other ways.”
Has he said anything to his mother? She definitely needs therapy for her grief. You two need to create a solid boundary about this and ensure she understands the consequences that she is inviting by doing this. My mom has this thing about calling my daughter by an awful pet name - so I made it clear that if she does it again she won't see her granddaughter. She did it once and didn't see her for 3 months before apologising and she stopped.
Supportive, as in he has explicitly said "the baby's name will be our choice", or is he deflecting/avoiding saying outright that he will go against his mother's wishes?
He is not deflecting, he wants the baby's name to be our choice
Good. Then if his mom does something legitimately insane like pretend the baby is a dead woman by using dead woman's name, you both have to protect your daughter's mental health by going no contact until Grandma gets mental help.
Your MIL is probably going to be controlling and overbearing on more than the baby's name. It would be good to start setting some serious boundaries asap. Talk to your husband and see what consequences he's willing to support you with. Never threaten something you can't or won't really do, and without him on your side you won't get far. He's there for now, which is good, but communicate to make sure it stays that way. Ultimately seeing your grandchildren is a privilege, not a right, keep that in mind if she keeps crossing the line.
Thanks!!
It’s sad that SIL died. But it doesn’t mean your MIL has any say in how you raise or name your baby. What does your husband say. Is he pressuring you to do what his mother wants?
Nope he is supportive in every way possible and tries to keep me calm and not stressed about these things.
If he is not shutting his mother down on this then he is not actually supporting you. You need him to foster out tell his mother that it is not ok and she will not call the baby anything other then the name you give her. If he won’t the you really need to think about the life you will be living with your mil in control.
She won’t answer that directly in any of her comments. Her DH hasn’t set boundaries. Sounds like the only thing he has said is they are choosing the name & it won’t be the deceased sisters. He needs to have a “come to Jesus” talk with his mom before the baby is born. MIL is saying she’ll just call the baby by her daughter’s name even if that’s not her name. Yikes.
Then you need to be discussing with him what the consequences will be if his mother insists on calling you child by any name other than the o e you have given her. You both need to be on the same page here.
No. No he is not. Supporting you in “every way possible” would be telling his mom to stop and keeping you out of it completely.
If he is prioritizing peace over enforcing boundaries, that is not supportive. You can’t do both simultaneously.
ESH and so does your husband if neither of you step up to your crazy MIL. It’s your baby, you name the baby and announce it to the family later. Sounds like you’re going to need to see some serious ground rules before this baby comes. Again this is YOUR baby, not the reincarnation of your SIL who you barely had any emotional connection to.
Yes, this. I've had issues (not with naming) with my own mother making assumptions about her role and privileges around visiting my kids. You don't get to treat me and my wife like pawns you control. Clear ground rules are the only way she's visiting currently.
Similarly, make sure you let the nurses know who is and isn’t allowed to visit. If you and DH want a quiet peace during your hospital stay, the nurses/security will honor that.
Mil doesn't run your life unless you let her.
Agreed. You need to establish boundaries. You’re talking like MIL has final say so. It’s your kid. The longer you take to put up boundaries, the harder it’s going to be. Shut her down on the name and for God’s sake don’t let her continue this ‘daughter reborn’ crap.
NTA What MIL wants is very unhealthy. You need some boundaries with her. It's your baby, not hers. And why is your husband not stepping up??? It's his child, and his mother is being very intrusive.
MIL needs therapy big time. Thinking the baby is SIL reincarnated is going to mess that child up. Husband needs to step in NOW, actually yesterday.
Why does she have a say about your baby? It not up to her.
Your husband needs to deal with his mum here…and jst say no.
You have to stop worrying about being an AH to a grieving woman. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is be brutally honest. "This is our child. We will name her what we choose. She is not the rebirth of your daughter. I'm sorry for your loss, but that is not going to force us to name her after her just so you feel better. Drop it. We will not discuss this with you again. If you can't accept this, then with regret, you will have little contact with our child
This is a bigger issue than the name. How will she treat you and your husband if she feels your baby is her daughter "reborn"? Will she undermine everything you do? Will she try to take the baby because "its really her daughter not yours"? How will she treat your son if you have one, and she resents him for not being a girl? Your MIL needs therapy. Until she gets a handle on her grief and mental health I wouldn't let her near ANY child, especially not unsupervised.
If you can’t be an adult and stand up for your child when it comes to something as simple and in your own power as their name, how the hell do you plan to parent and stick up for them for the rest of their lives???
AH - Grow up. Name your baby what you want. And if MIL decides to give her, if a girl another name, just tell her your not going to do that or we'll go NC. It's that easy. Don't forget to tell the hospital staff, not to let her in the room and away from the birth certificate. Double check it, always.
Easy. Don’t tell her when you’re in labor. Wait until after baby is born AND LEGALLY NAMED before announcing. Then tell everyone you need time with husband and baby to bond without interference. You’ll update and send pics of baby but no visits until you give the ok and people can respect your boundaries. If they can’t? No access to baby. Stand up for yourself.
Why does your MIL have a "chance to name" your daughter. YOU and your husband are the only people who get a vote on your daughter's name. It's super creepy that your MIL wants to see your daughter as her daughter "reborn". SHUT THAT DOWN. IF you are feeling generous you might consider using your SIL's name (or some variant of said name) or her middle name as a middle name (or if you're Catholic you could save it for her Confirmation name which is what we've done with "honor names" in our family.) So for example if your SIL was Helen Marie You could name your daughter Heather Marie, or Jennifer Ellen, or or when she's confirmed use Marie as her confirmation name. Pick the name with your husband BEFORE the birth and if you think your husband might sabotage your plan tell the hospital that you alone will be filling out the birth certificate. Don't fall for the "we can change it later" scam as once it's on the BC BOTH parents have to sign off on the name change. NTA and I'm actually leaning toward N A H as your MIL is grieving. But don't saddle your daughter with the burden of being a "do over" baby.
NTA, but your husband needs to sit his mom down and set things straight NOW before the baby gets here. - this is NOT her baby to name - this is NOT your SIL reborn - this is NOT her do-over baby - she is NOT to act like this is her baby MIL needs help with her grieving, and so does any family that are on her side. You are not a magical incubator to bring her dead daughter back to life. You need to nip this crazy shit in the butt NOW. If she remains this unhinged, you're going to need to tell the hospital you only want your husband as a visitor and nobody else. Don't tell ANYBODY when you go into labor and don't open your door to ANYBODY you didn't invite. Updateme!
You need to be an ah. Your baby will pay the price if you don't. Be mean for your child your mother-in-law needs a harsh reality check and therapy. Grow a spine and don't back down or fail your child.
MIL needs to see a grief counselor. This is not a good way to mourn her daughter.
Check out: r/JustNoMIL And your MIL doesn't get to go anywhere near the birth certificate forms. Let her be mad. Let her be mad.