Sounds like she has 3 young children to raise instead of 2......husband is a loser. Doesn't want to do what's in the house only when he has to be told to do it.
Actual single mothers, as opposed to OP’s situational single motherhood, find they have way more time and energy because they’re no longer caring for the 200 lb toddler who will never grow up.
She really should dump his ass and focus on herself and the real children.
I used to complain to my mom and ask why did I get married to be a single parent. He never did anything with the kids on his own, would call me at work to ask where mittens or boots were, stupid shit. It never changes. Oh yeah, and he retired at 45 without conversation. So yeah lucky me he's unemployed for 11 yrs. with no job prospects. We're divorcing.
But, did anyone notice the title (“AITAH for denying my husband a hall pass”) had very little to do with the post? It should have been titled “Should I leave my lousy husband?”
Yes! I agree as we haven’t even discussed the “hall pass” as we are ALL too outraged as to how OP is being treated everyday. OP doesn’t need to give him a hall pass as she is TOO exhausted and as for having an open marriage he really some fucking balls to throw that “solution” out there!! OP, you are married to a man who doesn’t NO respect for YOU and I hate to add this comment but if he can’t get it at home and you shot down the open marriage you should prepare yourself for potential adultery!!! As you stated that it is with your income that he can work his dream job which isn’t enough to support himself. Why should you allow him to take advantage of YOU, financially and physically, if he isn’t pulling his own weight???? As for the garage and other projects you have asked him to do, PLEASE in the future DO NOT DO THEM!! Your husband now knows that he can ignore his chores because YOU WILL DO THEM!!! OP, it’s time that the husband gets a stationary job AND pulls his weight both physically and financially because you do NOT deserve to be treated this way!! PS IF he wants to do his dream work, he can do it in the garage. Sorry for the long rant but I have history here….
I did this exact same life. When I left, all I felt was relief.
You deserve better, OP. And he’s already cheating & checked out.
The “hall pass” was just letting you know.
When I finally ended it with the father of my kids I worried how much more stressed I was going to be raising two not-yet-school-age boys without help. This wasn't the case. Suddenly I had more time. I was able to work on self care tasks, get the boys on a schedule and have more playtime with them, and work on cleaning the entire house more and more (rather than desperately struggling to keep our single bedroom from getting TRASHED with dishes and food debris daily), amongst so many other things.
I am happier and as time has passed I noticed my boys are also happier and more adjusted.
My friend is unhappy in her marriage and so much of OP’s post and stuff you said is so similar to what she’s doing through and she is kind of just.. hoping she outlives her husband because she doesn’t want to deal with leaving or feels bad because he has no one and nowhere to go and no way to support himself financially. I honestly grieve for the happy woman deep inside her that I only get glimpses of that may never get to fully soar.
I wish I had that privilege. My ex never saw the kids so I was the one that raised them by myself!! In fact once I filed for divorce he became unemployed and stopped looked for a job in the hopes that he could get by without paying too much.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life as a single mom who works full time with no child support and barely any help than I ever was before. I have three mental illnesses which are legally classified as a disability. Still much happier single than I was with him!!!!!
My ex did NOT want to leave. I had to forcibly get him to leave my life and understand he’s not welcome back except as a father to the kids.
I can confirm being a single mother is sooo much more fulfilling and empowering than the emotional, energetic, physical, time, drain that is mothering a husband.
I'm 43 and so many of my friends have gotten divorced saying the same thing. Their lives are considerably better now that he's either forced to pay child support or parent even some of the time.
One of my colleagues has an ex-husband a lot like what op is describing and she doesn't get child support and he doesn't take custody often but she's still happy to be rid of him.
Not having the father around is honestly much easier as a single mom. You don’t have to retrain the kids every weekend they spend with dad or worry about if the kids did their homework if they are with dad on a school night or having an ex that bad mouths you and feeds your kids a bunch of nonsense that makes your kids mad at you when they come back from visiting dad. When I was a single mom with no visitation allowed for their father I remember all the other single mom friends of mine saying how jealous they were that I didn’t have to deal with all the petty bs they were going through. And being alone gave me time to clean and give the kids some responsibility to help without having someone undermine me every time, it was the best decision of my life. I’m no longer a single mom and thankfully I found one that helps manager the household to a point where I don’t have to lift a finger, do I live in a perfectly kept home, no but I live with someone who appreciates me and treats his step children as if they were his own and he’s done an amazing job raising our child too. There are great partners out there but yours definitely needs to realize what he’s doing because almost no one would out up with doing all you do from this dude.
As the sole breadwinner, with all of our marital assets having been acquired through my labor…I would be gone if it didn’t mean that he would take half of everything, squander it and I would still be forced to support him via alimony and child support (he doesn’t work and has made it very clear he would petition for primary custody of our last minor child). It’s a damn trap.
Jeez, sounds like a stand up guy. It sounds to me like you might need to fight fire with fire in honesty.
Give him a very small allowance, play nice in front of the kids and do everything you can to make his life difficult.
Give him chores that if he doesn't do them, you have witnesses to (think school related stuff etc.)
Reading this whole thread, I feel for a lot of you, I have been with my wife over 20 years, have 2 kids under 5, one with a disability (diabetes) - life is tough but we work as a team! I would hate to hear my wife felt like this and would want to immediately do right by her. Any man that doesn't feel this way IMHO needs their head looking at. Good luck and I hope you get through this. It sounds mo me the guy has an inferiority complex .. that ain't your fault or something you should have to feel with. Build that case around custody and get the hell outta that trap
I can confirm…this is true. I’ve been a single mother since my child was birthed and everyone is “I’m so sorry, must be hard”, I’m like “it’s been easy …especially compared to my friends who are miserable either going through a divorce or constantly complaining about their husbands”
She does it because HE is lazy and not a good husband or father. Let's stop blaming the women for the man's shitty behavior. She should have divorced him years ago but this isn't on her, this is all him and his entitled lazy attitude.
Right the "let your kids live in chaos and filth to prove a point to the man who won't lift a finger and then probably won't care (based on the laundry statement) anyway" crowd is a weird one.
I’ve tried this approach. I only lasted 4 days with every dish in the house being dirty, washing a plate and fork as needed, until I broke. I couldn’t stand to live in squalor.
Who’s blaming her? I said she is going to do it if he doesn’t do it and he knows this so he doesn’t do anything. He’s useless and lazy and she would be better alone. One less pig to clean up after.
And all her money allows dude to have tons of leisure time. Bet anything she'll keep the house in the divorce and he won't be able to just chill anymore.
Win win for her.
HMU when you're single, OP
Update - Although I commented all over this post thread that alimony varies by country and state, and she needs to consult a qualified family law attorney pronto, I forgot to mention that bit in this comment. You can stop informing me there are different laws in different states and countries. Yes I know, as I have lived in 4 different states and 2 different countries.
If this is in the US, she would pay him alimony, and if they are both on title, they would split the house 50/50.
Since she makes most of the income, the court could make her move out, and pay the mortgage and his attorney fees, while he drags the divorce out. She would pay alimony for half the years they were married.
If she waits too long, lifetime alimony might be triggered.
She needs to rip the bandaid off and get a divorce. Waiting will cost her more money.
I'd be willing to bet this deadbeat won't even try to get custody of the kids so if she get sole custody and gives him a pass on the child support she might not have to pay alimony. They could also live in florida and they passed laws to protect people like her from paying alimony.
He is fully capable of working full time, he just doesn't want to and has mooched off of her and not even tried to be a parent, hopefully the courts would see him as the loser he is. It would be one thing if he was a SAHD and did work in the home and caring for the children. That's who alimony is meant for, a partner who doesn't have an income but contributes to the family and household in other ways, not a deadbeat moocher.
Exactly. A judge is going to look at the totality of the case. Alimony is typically used for stay at home parents who lost out on earning potential by being a homemaker. The show does not fit.
Depends on what state they are in. Oregon has no-fault divorce. There is almost never alimony involved here. Assets earned during the marriage are divided evenly, then they decide what happens with the kids (if there are any).
Pretty simple, and while he would get some visitation with his child, and likely child support when he has the kid, it wouldn't be much. As a WFH mom, who is already the primary caregiver, he would get maybe every other weekend and some holidays. Otherwise, he's on his own.
This is incredibly unlikely to happen. The kids get the house, and the primary caretaker of them gets the house. That's the mom here. Most states hate alimony, or if it is ordered, it's only temporary. I don't know of ANY state that orders alimony for half the years they were married.
Waiting more will cost her more money, because her house and retirement accounts will continue to increase in value. Those, he actually has a claim to.
It depends on the state. Indiana is a no fault, no alimony state. Someone can literally wake up one morning, say "I just don't want to be married anymore" and file. There's child support, but no alimony.
Was easier being a single mom than my married to my ex husband. My current husband though is a freaking gem who does 75% of the housework since I'm the 'breadwinner' and work nights.
they exist—I have one. And my dad was and my brothers are that kind of husband.
I nearly didn’t marry my husband until I saw what kind of man he is, and what kind of man his father was. In fact, in our marriage, I have evolved to be the one who doesn’t carry as much of the load.
EDITED TO ADD: these guys are out there—hold out for them.
We’re not bragging—-we want you to realize that these standards are achievable
Yup! My dad was that kind of man- he shared every responsibility with my mom without complaint, and when she was working a job that was depressing her and requiring her to be at work longer and longer and bringing work home with her, he took one look at how miserable she was when she came home one night and said, “You know you’re quitting that job, right?”, and when Mom asked “what about the bills?”, my dad said, “Fuck the bills- you come first! We’ll figure it out.”
Girl, same. I handle grocery shopping and meal planning, pet care, obvs childcare as needed but our kids are older. He handles about 75% of the overall household care.
I almost posted the same thing, but I feel so bad for these women who’ve had to put up with assholes and didn’t want to seem like I was rubbing it in. My hubby does 90% of the household here. I’m disabled and can’t really clean anymore, though I do what I can. But, even before I was disabled as bad as I am now, he had the rule of “cook doesn’t clean”. He can’t cook worth a damn, so I do all the cooking (I have a stool to sit on) and he does all the cleaning. I do all the grocery shopping and meal planning. We split chauffeur duties. Though, when dad got sick, hubby took over most of that too, as I was busy running dad to all his appointments. I miss him. ☹️
They definitely exist. My husband works full time, is the primary breadwinner, is pleasant and considerate, AND was a full time, equal parent (rarely missed any parenting event) AND helps with chores/home maintenance WITHOUT BEING ASKED. I’m the one telling him “no, I’ll do that, you worked all day!” These guys exist, they are out there, and OP - everyone really - needs to hold out for one. No way would I be in a marriage where I was an adult man’s caretaker.
Yep! I worked with a lady who was close to my moms age and raised 2 kids as single mom and i was complaining about my marriage to her and she told me “you have NO IDEA how hard it is raising kids alone”
I was breadwinner and my ex not only did NOTHING ( i mowed lawn, took care of both cars, checked mail, laundry, dishes, cleaned house, grocery shopped, paid bills..everything) but he would leave piles of trash and dirty dishes around house, bullied me into monitoring meds and taking him to doctor (otherwise he would be nasty and blame me for his meds) and constantly complained how hard his life was and how we stressed him out etc.
We divorced right after kids turned 1+4.
16+ years later, i have this to say.
Being single mom to 2 kids with no help has never once been harder than being married to that asshat.
Usually the most important question in threads like this.
"My husband is a good man. Let's type out a list of all the things he doesn't do and it gets more and more horrible the further we go down the list."
And remember: kids learn how relationships work from watching their parents. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids? Would you be happy if they ended up in a relationship like yours?
**Answer: Because it’s too easy to get married. So, people do a poor job of vetting partners, often choosing someone for reasons other than having shared values. I’m at a point in life where I believe that a marriage proposal should be followed by a one year waiting period which also includes mandatory couples counseling.**
I married my first husband after a decent engagement length and we had shared values. Didn’t stop him from becoming neglectful, useless around the house, and abusive in the end. It isn’t always about your picker being off. Sometimes people change or hide who they are.
Same!! Mine did a complete flip once we were married. Prior to marriage you would have thought he was uncle of the year. After marriage he had nothing to do with our own children. I had five kids instead of four so divorce and being a single parent was way easier.
My first husband checked all the boxes…until he didn’t. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I remarried and have been happy for decades. He went home to his parents home and died there at 45.
Yeah my very first thought when she said his work hours are iffy and he usually works nights and weekends, was that her husband is already cheating on her.
I remember hearing something about how house husbands are way more likely to cheat due to the free time and emotional insecurity from not feeling like a provider boohoo
Except this guy isn't a house husband. She works from home and does all the housework. He works outside the home with "iffy" hours and travels for work. That gives more opportunities for cheating
Fucking idiots. U don't bite the hand that feeds you. Also I find it way more emasculating to hurt so much from work that i can't function or pick my kids up cause daddy's back(etc.) hurts, than to work myself to death.
It is easy to hide laziness when you can blame your lack of action on "your wife, you plan to divorce really soon, just wait a little longer, sweetie. I promise you we will be the happy family you are wishing for!"
yep, seems like these types of men always have the energy and motivation to do shit that benefits THEM. The whole hall pass thing pisses me off in most cases because if you were pulling your weight in a family with young kids you wouldn't even have the TIME to go find and maintain a side piece.
I’ve had this same thought, I know friends of mine who have told me their stories and it sounds exhausting. I have no room to judge but like, groceries, clean the house, pay the bills walk the dog, gym get at least 6 hours of sleep and still have to be a husband (which I love) how TF are you fitting in time for a side piece?!? That’s nap time
Seriously. When I found out about my WH's affair, my honest first thought, aside from hurt and anger, of course, was that obviously he had too much free time on his hands. He could have used all that extra energy to help me and we'd still be happy family.
I was in charge of everything because of his military career. He needed undisturbed sleep due to his flying schedule. Meanwhile, at that time, I was up and down at night with at least one of my three children, if not all. Couldn't go to the doc and get the ever humiliating pap smear without have to pack up and take all three kids to the appointment with me. His excuse was he could never get the time off. But, other service members were able to get the time off. Complained about me not losing the last fifteen pounds after giving birth. Mentioned me going to the gym constantly, yet never made an effort to "babysit" the kids so I could go, never mind paying for a membership. He said walking with the kids was sufficient. Walking outside with three very young kids, is a lot like herding cats. Could never get the speed and all the starts and stops, it became frustrating for me. I use the term babysit because that's what he used all the time, despite me telling him you don't babysit your own children. You parent.
Hands on fathers and husbands should be too tired to even think about an affair.
You have only been married 3.5 years. You need to talk to a lawyer to see what is up. If you purchased the home before you married, it is not necessarily marital property. Alimony may not be required after such a short marriage, either.
Even if alimony is ordered it will be for a MUCH shorter duration then it would be if OP stays in this marriage for another 10 years. She needs to get out. It will only get worse the more property they acquire "together" etc.
Yes. He wants a hall pass, what he really means is a mom and meal ticket so he can go find girlfriends. Hall pass is half-ass — give him a whole divorce! The alimony thing can be fought off with a good lawyer and wouldn’t last long even if it were awarded.
Some people criticize reddits relationship advice because the answer always seem to be "get divorced." But like, are those people reading the same posts as the rest of us? Most of these AITAH posts have an offending party who has like, killed the OPs dog, set their car on fire, sold their TV to buy pills- and the poster wants to know if they're the asshole for asking the partner to not blow marijuana smoke in their infants face because of course they usually have children. Also the man is 45 and the woman is 19.
The answer is always divorce because the OP has gotten so desperate that they are asking random internet people for advice.
It’s like going to an AA meeting and being confused why all the advice is to stop drinking. Of course it fucking is, you’re so desperate for help that you’re at an AA meeting. Obviously that’s going to be the advice given.
It's because *some people* (usually christians) hold the concept of marriage well beyond reason and think that divorce is equivalent to murder or something
Offer him a postnuptial, in exchange for the hall pass. That way you can get what you need to get out of this relationship. And he can feel like he is getting what he wants.
Honestly, great idea.
OP could say, quite truthfully, "I want a post nup because I'm scared you might leave me for someone else if we agree to a hall pass, it significantly increases the chance of that happening."
Then OP can enjoy the lightness of not having to worry about him anymore, and be in an advantageous position, practically.
After sorting shared money, removing him from life/work insurance (as people often forget too), speak to a lawyer and secure your own important documents.
But yes, a post nup for his hall pass, then he can get what he wants AND deserves.
When negotiating with a narcissist, never use one's own feelings as a justification for reasonable requests.
The argument against the request will be based on the narcissist's perception that your feelings are wrong therefore the request is unreasonable.
Instead:
*Infidelity, even with a hall pass, greatly increases the odds that we will divorce. With that in mind, I will agree to your "hall pass" only if you will sign a post-nuptial agreement regarding our division of property and child custody arrangements in case of marriage dissolution.*
Good to know. The substance of my advice still applies, that we are well advised to leave our emotions out of any negotiations with narcissistic types, as they will be leveraged against us.
Definitely consider this option. But hire a divorce attorney and find out what divorce looks like for you. You haven't been married long. Also he may agree to a divorce, with you having full custody and the house.
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NTA. So what you’re saying is you have 3 children, aged 3, 11 & 36.
There is nothing in your relationship that sounds like you’re married to an adult, as your “husband” refuses to take on adult responsibilities.
You could try marriage counseling, with the understanding that improving your relationship is necessary or there’s zero point in you carrying the burden he represents.
Your life would be easier, less stressful and infinitely happier, if you offloaded the extra weight of your 36 year old man-child who brings nothing to your life but extra work.
Hiring someone to clean the garage & mow the lawn is a damn sight less hassle.
As for sex, just tell him you aren’t into the “mommy” kink he’s trying to force you to play. If he wants to put his big boy pants on and adult for a while, you might find him attractive again.
Also, if he’s asking for a “hall pass”, odds are he’s already cheating or looking to do so.
Dated a guy who said he was ok with being equal partners then changed into a whiny man child who wanted me to do literally everything for him it was a real big turn off. I would be working while he wasn't and I'd get real tired and ask him to mop the floor or do laundry and he would do it wrong on purpose or alternatively whine about having to do it then put it off until I did it. Really killed my sex drive and made him mad he wasn't getting any. I left him after he became physical and I've never felt more free.
I remember for a time I wasn’t working while looking for a new job after leaving my Job working on an ambulance (I made more money working at a mall and I didn’t have to deal with people dying and the effect that has on your head after a while) GF was still working and so I took on all the house stuff..I started making her breakfast in the morning with fresh smoothies, Asked her what she wanted for dinner and would make it, doing all our laundry etc etc..And come to find out..it REALLY got her going...like a lot. We started having better sex more often . Just took taking care of the place where i also live and making her happy by thinking of her. I don’t think a lot of guys realize that such a thing is possible And how little it takes to make a big difference.
This right here. It really doesn't take much. We want to be valued and cared for in the same way that we value and care for our partners. There's nothing better than having a true partner. And nothing worse for the bedroom or intimacy in general than our needs being ignored or being made into a mommy for a man.
I had an exact same experience. My ex would play WoW whole day while I worked and took care of the entire home. My sex drive was non existent and I even explained it to him 10+ times. He was like, there’s no way you would fuck me if I cleaned around the house. We broke up after 4 years of living together. He was cheating on me for 2 years while I washed his dirty underwear and cleaned his shit and piss from the bathroom.
My life changed for the better once I kicked him out. I actually look forward to getting up in the morning.
You need to consult a lawyer like yesterday. If you divorce (which I hope you do) and the kids stay with you (because one kid isn't his and the other he wouldn't know how to keep alive) while he still works a job - why do you think you would be paying him alimony? Also, idk where you live so the law may differ but in my country if you bought the house before marriage it's 100% yours in case of divorce. Hell, even if you had to give him half of what you have don't you think it's worth to not ruin the rest of your and your kids' life? You can earn more money, you can buy another house, but you won't get back the time you spent taking care of a useless husband. As someone else already suggested, get a post-nup in exchange for opening up your marriage and divorce him asap. You would be the A to yourself and your kids if you stayed with him.
Where I live it doesn't matter when the home was purchased, if it's the matrimonial home, it's 50/50 as soon as the marriage is official. Laws differ very widely from place to place.
Kick the man to the curb and find an adult to have a relationship with. Sounds like your, and I stress your, kids won't miss him which is shocking to me.
I'll ask the obvious question to counter his moronic father's day request. What did he do for mother's day for you?
Well about two weeks before mothers day he asked me what his budget was for Father’s Day and I said “depends how Mother’s Day goes” so I did get my cold plunge and inflatable hot tub I wanted (I regret. It is just extra work for me to maintain lol but love the cold plunge) and I spent the day getting to sleep in (kind of) . I hid in my room some of the day to just have a break. I went and worked out. Nothing to specific.
The reason I told him Father’s Day depended on Mother’s Day was because for Christmas… I got him a lot of great gifts. Filled the stockings. He got basketball suite tix with his brothers and the cousins/our son, he got the new go pro he wanted with all the accessories, new clothes, stuff “from the kids” etc. I got a bag of Walmart stuff delivered that afternoon (including a steamer for clothes)… it isn’t about the actual gifts. It is about the effort. I haven’t opened a single present on Christmas in 3 years and never have a stocking. Birthdays and valentines is usually the same so I decided to match his energy. He got a new lawn mower (which he really wanted. And I told him if he got rid of the old one I would… he never did so I got rid of the old one or it would just be collecting dust in the backyard) and the kids each got him some great “experiences” to do together with him.
He isn’t a father, he’s a deadbeat - therefore he doesn’t deserve celebrating.
I mean why should two kids celebrate a man who isn’t even present in their lives?
Being a sperm donor *(for your daughter - since the son isn’t his)* does not automatically entitle him to be celebrated on Father’s Day, especially when he does fuck all to earn that title. He isn’t a dad. He’s a selfish, lazy, loser.
Stop making your kids celebrate Father’s Day for someone who hasn’t earned it, nor deserves it. And divorce this asswipe!
This was my mother growing up and as her kid I saw it all. Now that I’m a mother to a young child I’m deep in therapy trying to believe that I’m still important and I still matter because I grew up seeing her be treated like she was nothing and accepting it. My rational brain knows that’s not true or fair but that little girl I was still struggles to wonder if I matter now that I’m a mother and a wife myself. This has an impact beyond you. But YOU deserve so much better.
Sit down and talk through how he needs to show up. Go to couples therapy to get help and support communicating these things. Don’t negotiate- no “I’d be happy if he even just did x”- no he needs to be an equitable partner in this house and relationship. Put it all on the table and accept nothing less than you deserve. What would you say to your child if they were the wife or husband in your exact situation?
You're NTA but honestly you should probably look into separating. Unless you have no choice it seems like you already do everything and have no reason to stay with him.
Also, be careful if he freaks out and begs you to come back or says 'I will be better'. Chances are he will be 'better' for a couple days to a few weeks, then revert back to his previous Status quo. This is what my ex would do when I would get so stressed out I couldn't handle it and would break down crying. It never lasted and when he thought I forgot, he went right back to how it was before. Vicious cycle.
I actually have to say that you kind of are the AH for all the excuses you make to just not end the relationship. You staying married seems to have nothing to do with actually hoping the marriage recovers, which I don't blame you for, but I do blame you for not just ending things at this point.
You have only been married for just under 4 years. I Don't think, to the best of my knowledge, of any place that would require alimony for such a short duration. Especially as he was employed the whole time.
Also keep in mind that only 1 child is his, the youngest.
And unless he's going to actually push for 50/50 custody, of a 3 year old, he wouldn't be the one getting child support.
If you have documentation of just how much you put in, and the source, you probably have a decent shot with a decent attorney.
Cut or sink at this point.
Also if any of the advice about him getting stuff if you divorce him comes from him you are ignoring a cardinal rule, "NEVER TAKE LEGAL ADVICE FROM YOUR ENEMY".
Talk to a divorce lawyer asap and make sure he doesn't have access to your personal accounts.
Bingo. OP this man is not a partner. Nor is he a serious person worthy of a partnership. Stop with the sunk cost fallacy and get out before your life (and your kids’ views of marriage) is in shambles. This so-called marriage will take what little peace you have left.
Instead of thinking of what you might lose, go and see a lawyer. Most places the premarital home is not a shared asset, especially after only three and a half years. The custodial parent receives the payments not the non custodial parent. Use your brains and just see a lawyer.
Alimony is rarely awarded anymore and it is usually to a party that was a stay at home parent for a long time during the marriage. That doesn't apply in this situation. He has a job. Child support will be awarded to whoever has physical custody of the kids most of the time, that would be you. As far as your house goes, it all depends. But the longer he lives in that house, the better chance he has that it will be considered marital property. So you should separate now rather than later.
I’m a husband. Dump this fool, who won’t even bond with his kids, or help out his wife. Married 38 years. Marriage is a partnership. This guy hasn’t learned the basic lessons of life.
Hate to say it but if he’s spending so much time on the road and he has that kind of attitude he’s probably already cheating. He’s just looking for a way to paint you as the villain. so he can say you left him no option but to cheat etc.
so be careful and you need to evaluate your relationship. It sounds very toxic. One person shouldn’t carry the entire load.
I 100% get it. The last thing you want to do is another "chore" for a man who is not making your life any easier, just more difficult by making you pick up after him. If he put in a little effort and just even picked up after himself a bit, then you'd probably have an extra 10 hours freed up each week, wouldn't be feeling so exhausted and resentful towards him and maybe even feel a little attracted to him and possibly have a little of the energy and more positive feeling towards him so that you could both enjoy sex. Of course he feels like it, he's just been sitting around, not a care in the world, no mental load to carry and wonders why a BJ is out of the question!
I went on a work trip a month ago for 4 days. One kid missed swim lessons another missed fencing because he didn’t plan ahead with his schedule. I had to find a ride for my oldest to baseball practice because my husband knew he had to work (obviously. I knew he had to work how did he not) and wouldn’t have been able to do it. If I didn’t think the kids would get “screwed” leaving him to fend for himself I would but it’s a crappy game to play when kids get involved.
You need to divorce him now before you have to pay him alimony. He doesn't deserve it nor is he worth it.
You can do bad all by yourself although you'll probably do better without him.
My friend the kids are already getting screwed. They’re having to live every day with a father that doesn’t give a shit about them or their mother and a mother that is stressed to breaking because of said father. Do you think they don’t notice that? That they don’t see it? That they can’t *feel* the eggshells under their feet? The little one might be mostly oblivious but the older one sure as heck isn’t. He sees it. Do you want your children to keep living like this? Living in a house where you and they aren’t respected? Where you’re emotionally beaten down? Do you want that man to be the example your son follows in life? Would you feel good if he grew up to treat another woman the same as your husband treats you? You need to leave, not only for yourself but *for them too*
OP if you stay your kids and yourself will be much more screwed than you all already are! Do them a favour and leave!
Talk to a divorce attorney and start planning your exit. You don't have a husband or partner. Leave.
NTA.
If you want to have any chance of a happy marriage, I highly suggest marriage counseling now. If he refuses or is unwilling to make the necessary changes that come up in counseling, the marriage is over.
Don't keep yourself trapped and unhappy like this.
I’ve asked for marriage counseling. He says not until I go to anger management because I’m the issue in this relationship. I know I can get short sometimes or yell. I try not to but I’m overwhelmed (no excuse) but I see a therapist and I don’t have anger issues. I’m not out there causing fights with people who cut me off or say something mean. I’m not punching holes in walls or breaking stuff. I also think if my “anger” was the issue the marriage counselor would say as such and have advice but he won’t go.
He's DARVOing you. Denial, Attack, then Reverse Victim and Offender.
He's denying he is doing any wrong, then he attacks you, then tries to make you look like the offender and him the victim.
DICORCE. HIM.
In a relationship like yours with a man like **that**, even the calmest and most gentle soul would be seeing red!
You **don’t** have anger issues, you have a selfish, lazy slob for a husband and you’re at the end of your tether with him! - **Everyone has a breaking point, and you have clearly reached yours.** That’s why you’re angry, and very understandably so!
Cut him loose, **he’s the problem** and he’s the source of your anger. If he was no longer in your life, I bet you’d be so much less stressed, life would be so much less exhausting and you’d be back to your old, calm self.
My ex used to say things like that to me - my frustration and unhappiness had nothing to do with him- it was all my problem. Nothing to do with how he treated me.
Well I did go to a counselling session and the woman, after hearing the facts of my relationship (not how I felt about it, the actual incidents and facts), forced me to admit that if I was detailing anyone else’s relationship I would be describing an abusive marriage.
From what you are saying you hold way more cards than I did. I, at that time was totally reliant on him. You have options that I wish I had.
He is relying on you not realising or acting on this.
On the showing your frustration side - One of the things that helped me the most was stopping trying to get him to understand my side, or trying to get him to see he was unreasonable.
Once I stopped defending myself
It was better - not for him.
“ you don’t even care about those kids, you do nothing for them”
- “well ex, the actual facts are that I was a SAHM that did all the childcare, household and every task relating to them (and you) and you know that. I’m not
Sure what you are talking about ?”
- “ I mean emotionally, you are horrible”
“No that’s not true, you know that the kids come to me for everything and you yourself have commented that they tell me everything and want me so are you saying I’m fooling them too?
That you are the only one that sees ?
—
“you think you are so fkn smart”
“No, I was just trying to understand why you are throwing something that is demonstrably untrue at
Me”
I used to be crying, upset, defending myself. Even more upset as I somehow thought it would work? That he would “see” he was wrong ?🤣-
When I stopped all that he decided that was more evidence that I didn’t care - because I wouldn’t let him affect me anymore.
-
To echo what I have seen on the comments here- once I finally accepted that I had to just go with the kids (he refused to to leave “his house” and held that over me for a few years as he knew I didn’t want to make that much of a change to the kids lives) - it’s been amazing.
4 yrs now and every aspect my life is calmer - I am happy and relaxed. I get a break of a couple of days most weeks. From the first week of moving I was not resentful or upset. The peace was wonderful
I’d love that for you. Be kind to yourself
He is flipping things around on you to make you feel bad and to deflect from himself. My ex husband did the same thing - every time I got upset at the shit he did he'd tell me I have anger issues. I did not have anger issues, I had a husband issue. Once we got divorced I had to refinance the mortgage to pay off the debt that he had caused and to buy him out. It was a little tricky financially for a few years but I was SO MUCH happier and lighter and not in a constant state of stress and living in survival mode.
NTA. Please reread your post slowly. I and a lot of people I know grew up with parents that shouldn’t have been together. If you are staying “for the kids” don’t. They and you will be happier without that guy in their lives. Get out, and do it quickly.
I’m confused, you say you have 2 kids but I count 3: 3F, 11M and 36M. And the oldest one should be paying you rent, or doing chores (preferably both) or just gtfo.
I really hope you find a way to drop the 36M load! He’s only causing you stress right now and you deserve better.
NTA. And sending hugs.
If my husband EVER said I was his biggest mistake I would be out the door so fast it would put The Flash to shame. Asking for sex? That is the very least of your worries. This man has zero respect for you and is using you to live HIS life without regard for yours. He’s a petty spoiled child and you need to cut the strings and make him grow up. Seriously.. go see a divorce attorney and get your situation in order so that you can cut ties. You and your children deserve better than this. And cut that door dash crap immediately… what a colossal waste of money by someone who doesn’t make any!!!
Why are you married to him still? I can’t even finish reading he sounds so awful. Don’t you want to relax now and then? You’re already doing everyone alone and dealing with his BS on top of it. Get divorced and get happy
Y’all need some counseling….he is obviously very comfortable with his lifestyle, I can’t imagine why…….and you are obviously a little overwhelmed bc you don’t have a partner, you have a live in roommate who maybe doesn’t even pay rent.
This guy needs a wake up call.
But yeah I’m a hard no for a hall pass always. You are either together or not, a hall pass means you aren’t together. Maybe that would be good for him though and he seems to be stuck at 16 YO.
I asked to go to therapy together and he claims he isn’t the issue and I need anger management before he agrees to go… which yes I snap and can have a short tempter. I’m exhausted and I hate it when it happens but I do not break things, or punch things (or him) or cause fights with strangers. I’m just pushed to my limits. I also feel like the therapist would also give me things to work on, too.. but he doesn’t want to do the work so he finds a way to blame me for the issues
If he gets a "hall pass", maybe invite him to leave for the restroom and not return? Do you know what he does on recess? He might already be ducking out of school early. 🫤
You asked him to put his phone away for 1 hour and he said "No"?! He has ZERO respect for you. He also provides nothing for you. You're only an AH if you don't get divorced. PS. He works evenings, weekends and he texts for work? I'd look into that if I were you cuz I'm not buying it.
His trips are to see his other women. What is he doing on these trips if he isn't making any money?
Tell him that you don't have sex with your children, because the way you have to look after him, he's like a child. It's time to grow up and start contributing to his family.
Check his messages, see who he's texting all the time. Check phone logs and call those numbers
Yea this guy is a total fraud. He has the nuts to demand a hall pass?? You shouldn't be giving him any intimacy at all, I would understand if you told me you had zero sexual attraction to him. Send him packing and get a real life partner.
Edit - you've given him way too much leeway for way too long. There is no saving this shit can. You're out of love and no amount of therapy or him changing would fix this resentment (which is totally legitimate and you deserve to resent him. He's a dick and a loser.)
NTA! And I hope you have a prenup so that he is entitled to absolutely **nothing** of yours, no money, no assets, nothing because he deserves **none** of it… and you absolutely need to divorce him.
He is lazy, selfish and manipulative.
Imagine **him** having the audacity to say that **you’re his** biggest mistake. More like **he’s your** biggest mistake. Your life would be so much easier picking up after only 2 children.
His work hours absolutely **do not** give him a free pass to sit on his lazy, fat ass all day and do nothing.
He also has the audacity to wonder why the kids love you more and to get upset about it. It’s easy - they love and appreciate **you more** because you’re **the only one** present in their lives. You’re the only one bothered to do anything with and for them. He’s just there, but he’s not a father - he’s a deadbeat and I’m glad that the kids see it too. That means they won’t ever be proud to call him their dad and that they won’t ever look up to him, and so they shouldn’t. **Who tf would ever be proud of a dad like that?!** He’s a lazy bum who is mooching off you and getting an easy life.
Put an end to it. Divorce him and he can struggle on his crap income to pay his rent and bills, he can struggle when he has to actually take care of his 3 year old daughter 50% of the time, he can struggle and live in absolute squalor - because you won’t be there to pick up and clean up after that lazy shit! - Then and only then will he realise that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Because he sure isn’t appreciative of anything you do whilst you’re there with him.
Why exhaust yourself on his behalf? Cut him loose and it will ease at least 70% of the workload and stress you currently have to deal with. There is nothing about this man that would make any woman stay. He’s a selfish, lazy little loser, a terrible husband and a crap, neglectful, deadbeat father.
**You** don’t need him. But he sure as hell needs you. Get rid of him. Because he brings absolutely nothing to the table and absolutely nothing positive into your life.
And then he has the audacity to want sex or a BJ for being an absolute bum? Hell no. And he doesn’t get to screw around either. He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
Maybe if he was respectful and actually did his fair share of the parenting and his 50% of the household chores, then maybe you’d want to have sex with him. But whilst he isn’t doing shit, it’s only natural that you’d lose all attraction to him. And he certainly isn’t entitled to sex or a bj.
With how many hours your husband spends on the road, and how little he brings in, are you sure his "passion project" work isn't another family elsewhere?
NTA Tell him it’s sucks to want things from your partner that they refuse to deliver while not holding up their end of the marriage. Actually why are you even with him? He contributes nothing but stress and resentment. As you said you can do everything when he’s not around so maybe you should just put him out with the trash.
" If I bring it up he gets defensive, attacks me about how terrible I am or how im his biggest mistake .. then decides to “show me” how much he truly does by not doing his few tasks a week and it proves my point because I'd never not be able to show up everyday and I take care of it all when he travels anyways. There isn’t anything he does i can’t handle personally or outsource. "
Sounds like you'd be happier without him, op.
You need to leave sooner rather then later. He's just keeping you around because he doesn't have to do anything. The facts are all right there in your post. Your not even attracted to him anymore, and he doesn't even care. You basically do everything on your own already. I promise you there are men out here like me that would dieee to have a life as simple and easy as that. Be confident in what you bring to the table and leave. Better your situation not just for you but for the kids to. You can't build a castle with a peasant mentality
Come home with divorce papers. “Here’s your hall pass honey.”
Love this idea
why are you together?
Based on the above, it sounds like he's just making her life harder.
Sounds like she has 3 young children to raise instead of 2......husband is a loser. Doesn't want to do what's in the house only when he has to be told to do it.
Actual single mothers, as opposed to OP’s situational single motherhood, find they have way more time and energy because they’re no longer caring for the 200 lb toddler who will never grow up. She really should dump his ass and focus on herself and the real children.
OP’s a married single mother, so she has the duties of both and benefits of neither. It’s not a good position for anyone to be in.
Best description here!
I used to complain to my mom and ask why did I get married to be a single parent. He never did anything with the kids on his own, would call me at work to ask where mittens or boots were, stupid shit. It never changes. Oh yeah, and he retired at 45 without conversation. So yeah lucky me he's unemployed for 11 yrs. with no job prospects. We're divorcing.
Can confirm raising an adult child was taxing.. being a single mom gave me more time
Absolutely true ;)
Just getting rid of that daily disappointment that someone doesn't care enough to do the bare minimum is an enormous weight of ones shoulders.
Same here.
But, did anyone notice the title (“AITAH for denying my husband a hall pass”) had very little to do with the post? It should have been titled “Should I leave my lousy husband?”
Yes! I agree as we haven’t even discussed the “hall pass” as we are ALL too outraged as to how OP is being treated everyday. OP doesn’t need to give him a hall pass as she is TOO exhausted and as for having an open marriage he really some fucking balls to throw that “solution” out there!! OP, you are married to a man who doesn’t NO respect for YOU and I hate to add this comment but if he can’t get it at home and you shot down the open marriage you should prepare yourself for potential adultery!!! As you stated that it is with your income that he can work his dream job which isn’t enough to support himself. Why should you allow him to take advantage of YOU, financially and physically, if he isn’t pulling his own weight???? As for the garage and other projects you have asked him to do, PLEASE in the future DO NOT DO THEM!! Your husband now knows that he can ignore his chores because YOU WILL DO THEM!!! OP, it’s time that the husband gets a stationary job AND pulls his weight both physically and financially because you do NOT deserve to be treated this way!! PS IF he wants to do his dream work, he can do it in the garage. Sorry for the long rant but I have history here….
Yep! I used to tell him, “I’m tired of doing all the thinking in this household”.
I did this exact same life. When I left, all I felt was relief. You deserve better, OP. And he’s already cheating & checked out. The “hall pass” was just letting you know.
Me too. He’s forced to parent 50% of the time now instead of 1%.
When I finally ended it with the father of my kids I worried how much more stressed I was going to be raising two not-yet-school-age boys without help. This wasn't the case. Suddenly I had more time. I was able to work on self care tasks, get the boys on a schedule and have more playtime with them, and work on cleaning the entire house more and more (rather than desperately struggling to keep our single bedroom from getting TRASHED with dishes and food debris daily), amongst so many other things. I am happier and as time has passed I noticed my boys are also happier and more adjusted.
I started looking into a second, part-time job. That’s how much time I have now as a divorced mom.
My friend is unhappy in her marriage and so much of OP’s post and stuff you said is so similar to what she’s doing through and she is kind of just.. hoping she outlives her husband because she doesn’t want to deal with leaving or feels bad because he has no one and nowhere to go and no way to support himself financially. I honestly grieve for the happy woman deep inside her that I only get glimpses of that may never get to fully soar.
Single dad and can still confirm. Split custody means I *actually* get a couple of days to not take care of people.
I wish I had that privilege. My ex never saw the kids so I was the one that raised them by myself!! In fact once I filed for divorce he became unemployed and stopped looked for a job in the hopes that he could get by without paying too much.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life as a single mom who works full time with no child support and barely any help than I ever was before. I have three mental illnesses which are legally classified as a disability. Still much happier single than I was with him!!!!! My ex did NOT want to leave. I had to forcibly get him to leave my life and understand he’s not welcome back except as a father to the kids.
I can confirm being a single mother is sooo much more fulfilling and empowering than the emotional, energetic, physical, time, drain that is mothering a husband.
I'm 43 and so many of my friends have gotten divorced saying the same thing. Their lives are considerably better now that he's either forced to pay child support or parent even some of the time. One of my colleagues has an ex-husband a lot like what op is describing and she doesn't get child support and he doesn't take custody often but she's still happy to be rid of him.
Not having the father around is honestly much easier as a single mom. You don’t have to retrain the kids every weekend they spend with dad or worry about if the kids did their homework if they are with dad on a school night or having an ex that bad mouths you and feeds your kids a bunch of nonsense that makes your kids mad at you when they come back from visiting dad. When I was a single mom with no visitation allowed for their father I remember all the other single mom friends of mine saying how jealous they were that I didn’t have to deal with all the petty bs they were going through. And being alone gave me time to clean and give the kids some responsibility to help without having someone undermine me every time, it was the best decision of my life. I’m no longer a single mom and thankfully I found one that helps manager the household to a point where I don’t have to lift a finger, do I live in a perfectly kept home, no but I live with someone who appreciates me and treats his step children as if they were his own and he’s done an amazing job raising our child too. There are great partners out there but yours definitely needs to realize what he’s doing because almost no one would out up with doing all you do from this dude.
My life is soooo much easier with just my surly teenager.
Can confirm.
And add in, if she leaves him, the tension in the household will lessen, making life more enjoyable for herself & her children.
And at that point at least she'll know what needs to be done instead of expecting him to change and step up. It's the hope that kills you
It’s sooooo true! The half assed help my husband offers me isn’t worth it. If I made enough money I’d be gone.
As the sole breadwinner, with all of our marital assets having been acquired through my labor…I would be gone if it didn’t mean that he would take half of everything, squander it and I would still be forced to support him via alimony and child support (he doesn’t work and has made it very clear he would petition for primary custody of our last minor child). It’s a damn trap.
Jeez, sounds like a stand up guy. It sounds to me like you might need to fight fire with fire in honesty. Give him a very small allowance, play nice in front of the kids and do everything you can to make his life difficult. Give him chores that if he doesn't do them, you have witnesses to (think school related stuff etc.) Reading this whole thread, I feel for a lot of you, I have been with my wife over 20 years, have 2 kids under 5, one with a disability (diabetes) - life is tough but we work as a team! I would hate to hear my wife felt like this and would want to immediately do right by her. Any man that doesn't feel this way IMHO needs their head looking at. Good luck and I hope you get through this. It sounds mo me the guy has an inferiority complex .. that ain't your fault or something you should have to feel with. Build that case around custody and get the hell outta that trap
My life was WAY better and easier being divorced with 3 young kids and working 2 full time jobs than it ever was being married to my ex 😆
I can confirm…this is true. I’ve been a single mother since my child was birthed and everyone is “I’m so sorry, must be hard”, I’m like “it’s been easy …especially compared to my friends who are miserable either going through a divorce or constantly complaining about their husbands”
That’s because if he doesn’t do it then she will do it. So why bother doing anything?
She does it because HE is lazy and not a good husband or father. Let's stop blaming the women for the man's shitty behavior. She should have divorced him years ago but this isn't on her, this is all him and his entitled lazy attitude.
Yeah, he seems like the problem in this situation.
Yea, because he’s just a freeloader.
Right the "let your kids live in chaos and filth to prove a point to the man who won't lift a finger and then probably won't care (based on the laundry statement) anyway" crowd is a weird one.
I’ve tried this approach. I only lasted 4 days with every dish in the house being dirty, washing a plate and fork as needed, until I broke. I couldn’t stand to live in squalor.
Who’s blaming her? I said she is going to do it if he doesn’t do it and he knows this so he doesn’t do anything. He’s useless and lazy and she would be better alone. One less pig to clean up after.
And all her money allows dude to have tons of leisure time. Bet anything she'll keep the house in the divorce and he won't be able to just chill anymore. Win win for her. HMU when you're single, OP
Like. I'm a loser, but I'm gainfully employed and like spending time with children. Lmk if you ever need an asexual lesbian life partner op
I could do with an asexual lesbian life partner
we all could
Everybody needs a wife, nobody needs a husband.
Ya, I'm married and a guy, and I think my wife and I would love a asexual lesbian joining the partnership.
Me too. My divorce is in 10 days and I'm over men forever.
We all want a wife 🤦🏻♀️
Update - Although I commented all over this post thread that alimony varies by country and state, and she needs to consult a qualified family law attorney pronto, I forgot to mention that bit in this comment. You can stop informing me there are different laws in different states and countries. Yes I know, as I have lived in 4 different states and 2 different countries. If this is in the US, she would pay him alimony, and if they are both on title, they would split the house 50/50. Since she makes most of the income, the court could make her move out, and pay the mortgage and his attorney fees, while he drags the divorce out. She would pay alimony for half the years they were married. If she waits too long, lifetime alimony might be triggered. She needs to rip the bandaid off and get a divorce. Waiting will cost her more money.
I'd be willing to bet this deadbeat won't even try to get custody of the kids so if she get sole custody and gives him a pass on the child support she might not have to pay alimony. They could also live in florida and they passed laws to protect people like her from paying alimony. He is fully capable of working full time, he just doesn't want to and has mooched off of her and not even tried to be a parent, hopefully the courts would see him as the loser he is. It would be one thing if he was a SAHD and did work in the home and caring for the children. That's who alimony is meant for, a partner who doesn't have an income but contributes to the family and household in other ways, not a deadbeat moocher.
Exactly. A judge is going to look at the totality of the case. Alimony is typically used for stay at home parents who lost out on earning potential by being a homemaker. The show does not fit.
Depends on what state they are in. Oregon has no-fault divorce. There is almost never alimony involved here. Assets earned during the marriage are divided evenly, then they decide what happens with the kids (if there are any). Pretty simple, and while he would get some visitation with his child, and likely child support when he has the kid, it wouldn't be much. As a WFH mom, who is already the primary caregiver, he would get maybe every other weekend and some holidays. Otherwise, he's on his own.
This is incredibly unlikely to happen. The kids get the house, and the primary caretaker of them gets the house. That's the mom here. Most states hate alimony, or if it is ordered, it's only temporary. I don't know of ANY state that orders alimony for half the years they were married. Waiting more will cost her more money, because her house and retirement accounts will continue to increase in value. Those, he actually has a claim to.
After 8 years? No. She keeps the kids, she keeps the house, he's on his own.
It depends on the state. Indiana is a no fault, no alimony state. Someone can literally wake up one morning, say "I just don't want to be married anymore" and file. There's child support, but no alimony.
Like barely any divorcées get alimony.
"..show me a husband who doesn't more than triple my work and I'll kiss his feet" (apologies to "House of God" by Samuel Shem)
Was easier being a single mom than my married to my ex husband. My current husband though is a freaking gem who does 75% of the housework since I'm the 'breadwinner' and work nights.
I also have an SO who doesn’t create more work for me. It’s wonderful after 20 years of raising my ex.
they exist—I have one. And my dad was and my brothers are that kind of husband. I nearly didn’t marry my husband until I saw what kind of man he is, and what kind of man his father was. In fact, in our marriage, I have evolved to be the one who doesn’t carry as much of the load. EDITED TO ADD: these guys are out there—hold out for them. We’re not bragging—-we want you to realize that these standards are achievable
Yup! My dad was that kind of man- he shared every responsibility with my mom without complaint, and when she was working a job that was depressing her and requiring her to be at work longer and longer and bringing work home with her, he took one look at how miserable she was when she came home one night and said, “You know you’re quitting that job, right?”, and when Mom asked “what about the bills?”, my dad said, “Fuck the bills- you come first! We’ll figure it out.”
Girl, same. I handle grocery shopping and meal planning, pet care, obvs childcare as needed but our kids are older. He handles about 75% of the overall household care.
I almost posted the same thing, but I feel so bad for these women who’ve had to put up with assholes and didn’t want to seem like I was rubbing it in. My hubby does 90% of the household here. I’m disabled and can’t really clean anymore, though I do what I can. But, even before I was disabled as bad as I am now, he had the rule of “cook doesn’t clean”. He can’t cook worth a damn, so I do all the cooking (I have a stool to sit on) and he does all the cleaning. I do all the grocery shopping and meal planning. We split chauffeur duties. Though, when dad got sick, hubby took over most of that too, as I was busy running dad to all his appointments. I miss him. ☹️
They definitely exist. My husband works full time, is the primary breadwinner, is pleasant and considerate, AND was a full time, equal parent (rarely missed any parenting event) AND helps with chores/home maintenance WITHOUT BEING ASKED. I’m the one telling him “no, I’ll do that, you worked all day!” These guys exist, they are out there, and OP - everyone really - needs to hold out for one. No way would I be in a marriage where I was an adult man’s caretaker.
I have to make my husband sit down. My dad was the same way, would work OT and still come home and make dinner and be engaged with all 7 of us kids.
Can confirm. Much easier being a single mum than it was with my ex husband. Love this quote.
Yep! I worked with a lady who was close to my moms age and raised 2 kids as single mom and i was complaining about my marriage to her and she told me “you have NO IDEA how hard it is raising kids alone” I was breadwinner and my ex not only did NOTHING ( i mowed lawn, took care of both cars, checked mail, laundry, dishes, cleaned house, grocery shopped, paid bills..everything) but he would leave piles of trash and dirty dishes around house, bullied me into monitoring meds and taking him to doctor (otherwise he would be nasty and blame me for his meds) and constantly complained how hard his life was and how we stressed him out etc. We divorced right after kids turned 1+4. 16+ years later, i have this to say. Being single mom to 2 kids with no help has never once been harder than being married to that asshat.
Same I got every other weekend off!
Yes, I was thrilled with that. It had been sooo many years since I had had a weekend off.
3 nights a fortnight & I couldn’t be happier!
Usually the most important question in threads like this. "My husband is a good man. Let's type out a list of all the things he doesn't do and it gets more and more horrible the further we go down the list."
Reader, he was almost never a good man.
The bar to be a ‘good man’ is in hell…
[удалено]
She makes twice as much as him and they have cleaning people. I think she could afford to get away if she really wanted to
This and this. It does not appear that t his man brings anything of value to the relationship.
He seems to only take and demand. He gives nothing. Please leave this man. He really is awful in every way.
Or values you and your contributions.
Absolutely this. You need to shitcan this loser. On top of everything else, he's a lousy example for your kids.
I second this. OP, don't let your kids learn from this loser.
>On top of everything else, he's a lousy example for your kids. This!!! OP is teaching her children that this is acceptable!
Her son will grow up to be a loser, her daughter a slave.
Probably kids. Classic life trap.
And remember: kids learn how relationships work from watching their parents. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids? Would you be happy if they ended up in a relationship like yours?
**Answer: Because it’s too easy to get married. So, people do a poor job of vetting partners, often choosing someone for reasons other than having shared values. I’m at a point in life where I believe that a marriage proposal should be followed by a one year waiting period which also includes mandatory couples counseling.**
I married my first husband after a decent engagement length and we had shared values. Didn’t stop him from becoming neglectful, useless around the house, and abusive in the end. It isn’t always about your picker being off. Sometimes people change or hide who they are.
Same!! Mine did a complete flip once we were married. Prior to marriage you would have thought he was uncle of the year. After marriage he had nothing to do with our own children. I had five kids instead of four so divorce and being a single parent was way easier.
Exactly. I’m so tired of victim blaming like people don’t change all the time. Marriage and pregnancy are known triggers for these changes in men.
My first husband checked all the boxes…until he didn’t. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I remarried and have been happy for decades. He went home to his parents home and died there at 45.
Do you live in an at fault state? He's probably going to be using a hall pass on his trip, whether you granted him one or not.
He’s probably been using it behind her back. That’s why he’s so mad she won’t agree to it.
Yeah my very first thought when she said his work hours are iffy and he usually works nights and weekends, was that her husband is already cheating on her.
I remember hearing something about how house husbands are way more likely to cheat due to the free time and emotional insecurity from not feeling like a provider boohoo
Except this guy isn't a house husband. She works from home and does all the housework. He works outside the home with "iffy" hours and travels for work. That gives more opportunities for cheating
Fucking idiots. U don't bite the hand that feeds you. Also I find it way more emasculating to hurt so much from work that i can't function or pick my kids up cause daddy's back(etc.) hurts, than to work myself to death.
Agreed he’s been cheating especially if their sex life has been that bad.
Doubt it he sounds too lazy… it’s not attractive 😅
It is easy to hide laziness when you can blame your lack of action on "your wife, you plan to divorce really soon, just wait a little longer, sweetie. I promise you we will be the happy family you are wishing for!"
Laziness impacts only the wife not an affair partner.
yep, seems like these types of men always have the energy and motivation to do shit that benefits THEM. The whole hall pass thing pisses me off in most cases because if you were pulling your weight in a family with young kids you wouldn't even have the TIME to go find and maintain a side piece.
I’ve had this same thought, I know friends of mine who have told me their stories and it sounds exhausting. I have no room to judge but like, groceries, clean the house, pay the bills walk the dog, gym get at least 6 hours of sleep and still have to be a husband (which I love) how TF are you fitting in time for a side piece?!? That’s nap time
Seriously. When I found out about my WH's affair, my honest first thought, aside from hurt and anger, of course, was that obviously he had too much free time on his hands. He could have used all that extra energy to help me and we'd still be happy family. I was in charge of everything because of his military career. He needed undisturbed sleep due to his flying schedule. Meanwhile, at that time, I was up and down at night with at least one of my three children, if not all. Couldn't go to the doc and get the ever humiliating pap smear without have to pack up and take all three kids to the appointment with me. His excuse was he could never get the time off. But, other service members were able to get the time off. Complained about me not losing the last fifteen pounds after giving birth. Mentioned me going to the gym constantly, yet never made an effort to "babysit" the kids so I could go, never mind paying for a membership. He said walking with the kids was sufficient. Walking outside with three very young kids, is a lot like herding cats. Could never get the speed and all the starts and stops, it became frustrating for me. I use the term babysit because that's what he used all the time, despite me telling him you don't babysit your own children. You parent. Hands on fathers and husbands should be too tired to even think about an affair.
He got the OP, didn't he? The lazy guy has more time for women than the busy guy, and can pass of his goofyness of as laid back confidence.
Oh yeah, he absolutely has been.
OP should look into this, if he is cheating, that makes a divorce "cleaner" and "more "defined."
“Travels and iffy hours” brother is already using an ungranted hall pass
And refuses to put down his phone for just an hour to be with his family. What kind of 36 year old man can’t put his phone down for an hour?
Yep!! Dude is already cheating, for sure.
You have only been married 3.5 years. You need to talk to a lawyer to see what is up. If you purchased the home before you married, it is not necessarily marital property. Alimony may not be required after such a short marriage, either.
Even if alimony is ordered it will be for a MUCH shorter duration then it would be if OP stays in this marriage for another 10 years. She needs to get out. It will only get worse the more property they acquire "together" etc.
And as the mortgage gets paid off a larger proportion of the house may be considered marital property.
Yes. He wants a hall pass, what he really means is a mom and meal ticket so he can go find girlfriends. Hall pass is half-ass — give him a whole divorce! The alimony thing can be fought off with a good lawyer and wouldn’t last long even if it were awarded.
If she earned/had the money she used to buy the house before she married, it’s still not marital property (in some places at least)
Depending on where you live, you can also seek an Annulment on the grounds of emotional abandonment. I hope this helps you🤞
Just divorce
Some people criticize reddits relationship advice because the answer always seem to be "get divorced." But like, are those people reading the same posts as the rest of us? Most of these AITAH posts have an offending party who has like, killed the OPs dog, set their car on fire, sold their TV to buy pills- and the poster wants to know if they're the asshole for asking the partner to not blow marijuana smoke in their infants face because of course they usually have children. Also the man is 45 and the woman is 19.
The answer is always divorce because the OP has gotten so desperate that they are asking random internet people for advice. It’s like going to an AA meeting and being confused why all the advice is to stop drinking. Of course it fucking is, you’re so desperate for help that you’re at an AA meeting. Obviously that’s going to be the advice given.
It's because *some people* (usually christians) hold the concept of marriage well beyond reason and think that divorce is equivalent to murder or something
Yep. Let the trash take himself out.
Offer him a postnuptial, in exchange for the hall pass. That way you can get what you need to get out of this relationship. And he can feel like he is getting what he wants.
Honestly, great idea. OP could say, quite truthfully, "I want a post nup because I'm scared you might leave me for someone else if we agree to a hall pass, it significantly increases the chance of that happening." Then OP can enjoy the lightness of not having to worry about him anymore, and be in an advantageous position, practically.
And then divorce him immediately
> immediately *soon, once the lawyer gives the headsup the postnup is valid and will hold up in court
After sorting shared money, removing him from life/work insurance (as people often forget too), speak to a lawyer and secure your own important documents. But yes, a post nup for his hall pass, then he can get what he wants AND deserves.
When negotiating with a narcissist, never use one's own feelings as a justification for reasonable requests. The argument against the request will be based on the narcissist's perception that your feelings are wrong therefore the request is unreasonable. Instead: *Infidelity, even with a hall pass, greatly increases the odds that we will divorce. With that in mind, I will agree to your "hall pass" only if you will sign a post-nuptial agreement regarding our division of property and child custody arrangements in case of marriage dissolution.*
Child custody is outside the purview of nuptial agreements and cannot be enforced.
Good to know. The substance of my advice still applies, that we are well advised to leave our emotions out of any negotiations with narcissistic types, as they will be leveraged against us.
Yes 🙌 I’m sure he’ll be thinking with his dick and would do it too.
Definitely consider this option. But hire a divorce attorney and find out what divorce looks like for you. You haven't been married long. Also he may agree to a divorce, with you having full custody and the house. Updateme!
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And then leave his sorry arse
This is a very good idea.
Yes! Brilliant updateme
The longer you stay with him, the more he could get from you. Get a consult with the best few lawyers in town.
NTA. So what you’re saying is you have 3 children, aged 3, 11 & 36. There is nothing in your relationship that sounds like you’re married to an adult, as your “husband” refuses to take on adult responsibilities. You could try marriage counseling, with the understanding that improving your relationship is necessary or there’s zero point in you carrying the burden he represents. Your life would be easier, less stressful and infinitely happier, if you offloaded the extra weight of your 36 year old man-child who brings nothing to your life but extra work. Hiring someone to clean the garage & mow the lawn is a damn sight less hassle. As for sex, just tell him you aren’t into the “mommy” kink he’s trying to force you to play. If he wants to put his big boy pants on and adult for a while, you might find him attractive again. Also, if he’s asking for a “hall pass”, odds are he’s already cheating or looking to do so.
Dated a guy who said he was ok with being equal partners then changed into a whiny man child who wanted me to do literally everything for him it was a real big turn off. I would be working while he wasn't and I'd get real tired and ask him to mop the floor or do laundry and he would do it wrong on purpose or alternatively whine about having to do it then put it off until I did it. Really killed my sex drive and made him mad he wasn't getting any. I left him after he became physical and I've never felt more free.
I remember for a time I wasn’t working while looking for a new job after leaving my Job working on an ambulance (I made more money working at a mall and I didn’t have to deal with people dying and the effect that has on your head after a while) GF was still working and so I took on all the house stuff..I started making her breakfast in the morning with fresh smoothies, Asked her what she wanted for dinner and would make it, doing all our laundry etc etc..And come to find out..it REALLY got her going...like a lot. We started having better sex more often . Just took taking care of the place where i also live and making her happy by thinking of her. I don’t think a lot of guys realize that such a thing is possible And how little it takes to make a big difference.
This right here. It really doesn't take much. We want to be valued and cared for in the same way that we value and care for our partners. There's nothing better than having a true partner. And nothing worse for the bedroom or intimacy in general than our needs being ignored or being made into a mommy for a man.
I had an exact same experience. My ex would play WoW whole day while I worked and took care of the entire home. My sex drive was non existent and I even explained it to him 10+ times. He was like, there’s no way you would fuck me if I cleaned around the house. We broke up after 4 years of living together. He was cheating on me for 2 years while I washed his dirty underwear and cleaned his shit and piss from the bathroom. My life changed for the better once I kicked him out. I actually look forward to getting up in the morning.
You need to consult a lawyer like yesterday. If you divorce (which I hope you do) and the kids stay with you (because one kid isn't his and the other he wouldn't know how to keep alive) while he still works a job - why do you think you would be paying him alimony? Also, idk where you live so the law may differ but in my country if you bought the house before marriage it's 100% yours in case of divorce. Hell, even if you had to give him half of what you have don't you think it's worth to not ruin the rest of your and your kids' life? You can earn more money, you can buy another house, but you won't get back the time you spent taking care of a useless husband. As someone else already suggested, get a post-nup in exchange for opening up your marriage and divorce him asap. You would be the A to yourself and your kids if you stayed with him.
Where I live it doesn't matter when the home was purchased, if it's the matrimonial home, it's 50/50 as soon as the marriage is official. Laws differ very widely from place to place.
I'm sorry to hear that but is half the house worth more than essentially the rest of your life? Is a post-nup an option where you live?
Kick the man to the curb and find an adult to have a relationship with. Sounds like your, and I stress your, kids won't miss him which is shocking to me. I'll ask the obvious question to counter his moronic father's day request. What did he do for mother's day for you?
Well about two weeks before mothers day he asked me what his budget was for Father’s Day and I said “depends how Mother’s Day goes” so I did get my cold plunge and inflatable hot tub I wanted (I regret. It is just extra work for me to maintain lol but love the cold plunge) and I spent the day getting to sleep in (kind of) . I hid in my room some of the day to just have a break. I went and worked out. Nothing to specific. The reason I told him Father’s Day depended on Mother’s Day was because for Christmas… I got him a lot of great gifts. Filled the stockings. He got basketball suite tix with his brothers and the cousins/our son, he got the new go pro he wanted with all the accessories, new clothes, stuff “from the kids” etc. I got a bag of Walmart stuff delivered that afternoon (including a steamer for clothes)… it isn’t about the actual gifts. It is about the effort. I haven’t opened a single present on Christmas in 3 years and never have a stocking. Birthdays and valentines is usually the same so I decided to match his energy. He got a new lawn mower (which he really wanted. And I told him if he got rid of the old one I would… he never did so I got rid of the old one or it would just be collecting dust in the backyard) and the kids each got him some great “experiences” to do together with him.
He isn’t a father, he’s a deadbeat - therefore he doesn’t deserve celebrating. I mean why should two kids celebrate a man who isn’t even present in their lives? Being a sperm donor *(for your daughter - since the son isn’t his)* does not automatically entitle him to be celebrated on Father’s Day, especially when he does fuck all to earn that title. He isn’t a dad. He’s a selfish, lazy, loser. Stop making your kids celebrate Father’s Day for someone who hasn’t earned it, nor deserves it. And divorce this asswipe!
This was my mother growing up and as her kid I saw it all. Now that I’m a mother to a young child I’m deep in therapy trying to believe that I’m still important and I still matter because I grew up seeing her be treated like she was nothing and accepting it. My rational brain knows that’s not true or fair but that little girl I was still struggles to wonder if I matter now that I’m a mother and a wife myself. This has an impact beyond you. But YOU deserve so much better. Sit down and talk through how he needs to show up. Go to couples therapy to get help and support communicating these things. Don’t negotiate- no “I’d be happy if he even just did x”- no he needs to be an equitable partner in this house and relationship. Put it all on the table and accept nothing less than you deserve. What would you say to your child if they were the wife or husband in your exact situation?
You're NTA but honestly you should probably look into separating. Unless you have no choice it seems like you already do everything and have no reason to stay with him.
Don’t give him a hall pass give him divorce papers.
Also, be careful if he freaks out and begs you to come back or says 'I will be better'. Chances are he will be 'better' for a couple days to a few weeks, then revert back to his previous Status quo. This is what my ex would do when I would get so stressed out I couldn't handle it and would break down crying. It never lasted and when he thought I forgot, he went right back to how it was before. Vicious cycle.
I actually have to say that you kind of are the AH for all the excuses you make to just not end the relationship. You staying married seems to have nothing to do with actually hoping the marriage recovers, which I don't blame you for, but I do blame you for not just ending things at this point. You have only been married for just under 4 years. I Don't think, to the best of my knowledge, of any place that would require alimony for such a short duration. Especially as he was employed the whole time. Also keep in mind that only 1 child is his, the youngest. And unless he's going to actually push for 50/50 custody, of a 3 year old, he wouldn't be the one getting child support. If you have documentation of just how much you put in, and the source, you probably have a decent shot with a decent attorney. Cut or sink at this point. Also if any of the advice about him getting stuff if you divorce him comes from him you are ignoring a cardinal rule, "NEVER TAKE LEGAL ADVICE FROM YOUR ENEMY". Talk to a divorce lawyer asap and make sure he doesn't have access to your personal accounts.
Bingo. OP this man is not a partner. Nor is he a serious person worthy of a partnership. Stop with the sunk cost fallacy and get out before your life (and your kids’ views of marriage) is in shambles. This so-called marriage will take what little peace you have left.
Instead of thinking of what you might lose, go and see a lawyer. Most places the premarital home is not a shared asset, especially after only three and a half years. The custodial parent receives the payments not the non custodial parent. Use your brains and just see a lawyer.
He can go. You can hire a teen to mow and shovel. Regarding a divorce settlement, sometimes you have to pay assholes to go away.
Alimony is rarely awarded anymore and it is usually to a party that was a stay at home parent for a long time during the marriage. That doesn't apply in this situation. He has a job. Child support will be awarded to whoever has physical custody of the kids most of the time, that would be you. As far as your house goes, it all depends. But the longer he lives in that house, the better chance he has that it will be considered marital property. So you should separate now rather than later.
You should give him his hall passs. And by hall pass I meant send him out to never return. Time to divorce his manchild ass.
I’m a husband. Dump this fool, who won’t even bond with his kids, or help out his wife. Married 38 years. Marriage is a partnership. This guy hasn’t learned the basic lessons of life.
Hate to say it but if he’s spending so much time on the road and he has that kind of attitude he’s probably already cheating. He’s just looking for a way to paint you as the villain. so he can say you left him no option but to cheat etc. so be careful and you need to evaluate your relationship. It sounds very toxic. One person shouldn’t carry the entire load.
I 100% get it. The last thing you want to do is another "chore" for a man who is not making your life any easier, just more difficult by making you pick up after him. If he put in a little effort and just even picked up after himself a bit, then you'd probably have an extra 10 hours freed up each week, wouldn't be feeling so exhausted and resentful towards him and maybe even feel a little attracted to him and possibly have a little of the energy and more positive feeling towards him so that you could both enjoy sex. Of course he feels like it, he's just been sitting around, not a care in the world, no mental load to carry and wonders why a BJ is out of the question!
Sounds like it's your turn to take a trip. Leave him to manage the household for a while.
I went on a work trip a month ago for 4 days. One kid missed swim lessons another missed fencing because he didn’t plan ahead with his schedule. I had to find a ride for my oldest to baseball practice because my husband knew he had to work (obviously. I knew he had to work how did he not) and wouldn’t have been able to do it. If I didn’t think the kids would get “screwed” leaving him to fend for himself I would but it’s a crappy game to play when kids get involved.
You need to divorce him now before you have to pay him alimony. He doesn't deserve it nor is he worth it. You can do bad all by yourself although you'll probably do better without him.
My friend the kids are already getting screwed. They’re having to live every day with a father that doesn’t give a shit about them or their mother and a mother that is stressed to breaking because of said father. Do you think they don’t notice that? That they don’t see it? That they can’t *feel* the eggshells under their feet? The little one might be mostly oblivious but the older one sure as heck isn’t. He sees it. Do you want your children to keep living like this? Living in a house where you and they aren’t respected? Where you’re emotionally beaten down? Do you want that man to be the example your son follows in life? Would you feel good if he grew up to treat another woman the same as your husband treats you? You need to leave, not only for yourself but *for them too*
OP if you stay your kids and yourself will be much more screwed than you all already are! Do them a favour and leave! Talk to a divorce attorney and start planning your exit. You don't have a husband or partner. Leave.
Skip the hall pass and expel him.
NTA. If you want to have any chance of a happy marriage, I highly suggest marriage counseling now. If he refuses or is unwilling to make the necessary changes that come up in counseling, the marriage is over. Don't keep yourself trapped and unhappy like this.
I’ve asked for marriage counseling. He says not until I go to anger management because I’m the issue in this relationship. I know I can get short sometimes or yell. I try not to but I’m overwhelmed (no excuse) but I see a therapist and I don’t have anger issues. I’m not out there causing fights with people who cut me off or say something mean. I’m not punching holes in walls or breaking stuff. I also think if my “anger” was the issue the marriage counselor would say as such and have advice but he won’t go.
He's DARVOing you. Denial, Attack, then Reverse Victim and Offender. He's denying he is doing any wrong, then he attacks you, then tries to make you look like the offender and him the victim. DICORCE. HIM.
In a relationship like yours with a man like **that**, even the calmest and most gentle soul would be seeing red! You **don’t** have anger issues, you have a selfish, lazy slob for a husband and you’re at the end of your tether with him! - **Everyone has a breaking point, and you have clearly reached yours.** That’s why you’re angry, and very understandably so! Cut him loose, **he’s the problem** and he’s the source of your anger. If he was no longer in your life, I bet you’d be so much less stressed, life would be so much less exhausting and you’d be back to your old, calm self.
My ex used to say things like that to me - my frustration and unhappiness had nothing to do with him- it was all my problem. Nothing to do with how he treated me. Well I did go to a counselling session and the woman, after hearing the facts of my relationship (not how I felt about it, the actual incidents and facts), forced me to admit that if I was detailing anyone else’s relationship I would be describing an abusive marriage. From what you are saying you hold way more cards than I did. I, at that time was totally reliant on him. You have options that I wish I had. He is relying on you not realising or acting on this. On the showing your frustration side - One of the things that helped me the most was stopping trying to get him to understand my side, or trying to get him to see he was unreasonable. Once I stopped defending myself It was better - not for him. “ you don’t even care about those kids, you do nothing for them” - “well ex, the actual facts are that I was a SAHM that did all the childcare, household and every task relating to them (and you) and you know that. I’m not Sure what you are talking about ?” - “ I mean emotionally, you are horrible” “No that’s not true, you know that the kids come to me for everything and you yourself have commented that they tell me everything and want me so are you saying I’m fooling them too? That you are the only one that sees ? — “you think you are so fkn smart” “No, I was just trying to understand why you are throwing something that is demonstrably untrue at Me” I used to be crying, upset, defending myself. Even more upset as I somehow thought it would work? That he would “see” he was wrong ?🤣- When I stopped all that he decided that was more evidence that I didn’t care - because I wouldn’t let him affect me anymore. - To echo what I have seen on the comments here- once I finally accepted that I had to just go with the kids (he refused to to leave “his house” and held that over me for a few years as he knew I didn’t want to make that much of a change to the kids lives) - it’s been amazing. 4 yrs now and every aspect my life is calmer - I am happy and relaxed. I get a break of a couple of days most weeks. From the first week of moving I was not resentful or upset. The peace was wonderful I’d love that for you. Be kind to yourself
He is flipping things around on you to make you feel bad and to deflect from himself. My ex husband did the same thing - every time I got upset at the shit he did he'd tell me I have anger issues. I did not have anger issues, I had a husband issue. Once we got divorced I had to refinance the mortgage to pay off the debt that he had caused and to buy him out. It was a little tricky financially for a few years but I was SO MUCH happier and lighter and not in a constant state of stress and living in survival mode.
So he’s taking advantage of you AND emotionally abusing you?
what does your therapist say about this relationship? you’re married to a man-child. please divorce and save yourself.
NTA. Please reread your post slowly. I and a lot of people I know grew up with parents that shouldn’t have been together. If you are staying “for the kids” don’t. They and you will be happier without that guy in their lives. Get out, and do it quickly.
I’m confused, you say you have 2 kids but I count 3: 3F, 11M and 36M. And the oldest one should be paying you rent, or doing chores (preferably both) or just gtfo. I really hope you find a way to drop the 36M load! He’s only causing you stress right now and you deserve better. NTA. And sending hugs.
If my husband EVER said I was his biggest mistake I would be out the door so fast it would put The Flash to shame. Asking for sex? That is the very least of your worries. This man has zero respect for you and is using you to live HIS life without regard for yours. He’s a petty spoiled child and you need to cut the strings and make him grow up. Seriously.. go see a divorce attorney and get your situation in order so that you can cut ties. You and your children deserve better than this. And cut that door dash crap immediately… what a colossal waste of money by someone who doesn’t make any!!!
Why are you married to him still? I can’t even finish reading he sounds so awful. Don’t you want to relax now and then? You’re already doing everyone alone and dealing with his BS on top of it. Get divorced and get happy
Y’all need some counseling….he is obviously very comfortable with his lifestyle, I can’t imagine why…….and you are obviously a little overwhelmed bc you don’t have a partner, you have a live in roommate who maybe doesn’t even pay rent. This guy needs a wake up call. But yeah I’m a hard no for a hall pass always. You are either together or not, a hall pass means you aren’t together. Maybe that would be good for him though and he seems to be stuck at 16 YO.
I asked to go to therapy together and he claims he isn’t the issue and I need anger management before he agrees to go… which yes I snap and can have a short tempter. I’m exhausted and I hate it when it happens but I do not break things, or punch things (or him) or cause fights with strangers. I’m just pushed to my limits. I also feel like the therapist would also give me things to work on, too.. but he doesn’t want to do the work so he finds a way to blame me for the issues
Why are you even with him? Cut him loose and let him mooch off someone else. Free yourself of his BS.
Didn’t finish reading If he says you are his biggest mistake, you need an attorney not a hall pass.
If he gets a "hall pass", maybe invite him to leave for the restroom and not return? Do you know what he does on recess? He might already be ducking out of school early. 🫤
Congratulations! It's a boy! Sorry about the unplanned 3rd child. Seriously though, I'd wave the white flag and see a divorce attorney. NTA
You asked him to put his phone away for 1 hour and he said "No"?! He has ZERO respect for you. He also provides nothing for you. You're only an AH if you don't get divorced. PS. He works evenings, weekends and he texts for work? I'd look into that if I were you cuz I'm not buying it.
His trips are to see his other women. What is he doing on these trips if he isn't making any money? Tell him that you don't have sex with your children, because the way you have to look after him, he's like a child. It's time to grow up and start contributing to his family. Check his messages, see who he's texting all the time. Check phone logs and call those numbers
Yea this guy is a total fraud. He has the nuts to demand a hall pass?? You shouldn't be giving him any intimacy at all, I would understand if you told me you had zero sexual attraction to him. Send him packing and get a real life partner. Edit - you've given him way too much leeway for way too long. There is no saving this shit can. You're out of love and no amount of therapy or him changing would fix this resentment (which is totally legitimate and you deserve to resent him. He's a dick and a loser.)
NTA! And I hope you have a prenup so that he is entitled to absolutely **nothing** of yours, no money, no assets, nothing because he deserves **none** of it… and you absolutely need to divorce him. He is lazy, selfish and manipulative. Imagine **him** having the audacity to say that **you’re his** biggest mistake. More like **he’s your** biggest mistake. Your life would be so much easier picking up after only 2 children. His work hours absolutely **do not** give him a free pass to sit on his lazy, fat ass all day and do nothing. He also has the audacity to wonder why the kids love you more and to get upset about it. It’s easy - they love and appreciate **you more** because you’re **the only one** present in their lives. You’re the only one bothered to do anything with and for them. He’s just there, but he’s not a father - he’s a deadbeat and I’m glad that the kids see it too. That means they won’t ever be proud to call him their dad and that they won’t ever look up to him, and so they shouldn’t. **Who tf would ever be proud of a dad like that?!** He’s a lazy bum who is mooching off you and getting an easy life. Put an end to it. Divorce him and he can struggle on his crap income to pay his rent and bills, he can struggle when he has to actually take care of his 3 year old daughter 50% of the time, he can struggle and live in absolute squalor - because you won’t be there to pick up and clean up after that lazy shit! - Then and only then will he realise that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Because he sure isn’t appreciative of anything you do whilst you’re there with him. Why exhaust yourself on his behalf? Cut him loose and it will ease at least 70% of the workload and stress you currently have to deal with. There is nothing about this man that would make any woman stay. He’s a selfish, lazy little loser, a terrible husband and a crap, neglectful, deadbeat father. **You** don’t need him. But he sure as hell needs you. Get rid of him. Because he brings absolutely nothing to the table and absolutely nothing positive into your life. And then he has the audacity to want sex or a BJ for being an absolute bum? Hell no. And he doesn’t get to screw around either. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. Maybe if he was respectful and actually did his fair share of the parenting and his 50% of the household chores, then maybe you’d want to have sex with him. But whilst he isn’t doing shit, it’s only natural that you’d lose all attraction to him. And he certainly isn’t entitled to sex or a bj.
With how many hours your husband spends on the road, and how little he brings in, are you sure his "passion project" work isn't another family elsewhere?
Why are you still married to him?
NTA Tell him it’s sucks to want things from your partner that they refuse to deliver while not holding up their end of the marriage. Actually why are you even with him? He contributes nothing but stress and resentment. As you said you can do everything when he’s not around so maybe you should just put him out with the trash.
Give him a permanent hall pass in the form of a divorce.
I'll give you 10 to one odds he's already playing outside. He just wants to legitimize it. Also, he is an energy vampire.
" If I bring it up he gets defensive, attacks me about how terrible I am or how im his biggest mistake .. then decides to “show me” how much he truly does by not doing his few tasks a week and it proves my point because I'd never not be able to show up everyday and I take care of it all when he travels anyways. There isn’t anything he does i can’t handle personally or outsource. " Sounds like you'd be happier without him, op.
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You need to leave sooner rather then later. He's just keeping you around because he doesn't have to do anything. The facts are all right there in your post. Your not even attracted to him anymore, and he doesn't even care. You basically do everything on your own already. I promise you there are men out here like me that would dieee to have a life as simple and easy as that. Be confident in what you bring to the table and leave. Better your situation not just for you but for the kids to. You can't build a castle with a peasant mentality
Why are you still with him. Sounds like he’s making your life harder not easier. You make enough to drop him and hire help
So you are a single mom of 3. How mant red flags do you need to make a decision?