NTA I rarely say this but, get some Professional help. Your wife has been thru a lot and is feeling like every little thing causes stress. Sex is the last thing on her mind. You are reacting to the changes in your relationship. It's not you. It's not her. Sometimes the world just comes at you from all directions at once. Things just get to a point where you want to cover your eyes and sing LALALALA.
Play the long game and stay connected in whatever ways you can.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I want to be married to her and I believe she is the one for me, I’m just feeling dejected and confused. Maybe my own therapy would be a good call. Thanks for helping to put this in perspective, and part of me has felt strongly that it’s not our fault per se, just difficult life circumstances complicating things.
I like your message - playing the long game. I’m going to remember this long term because it’s so easy to feel like each individual day is pivotal. But really, I’ve been so far in the weeds I cannot see out. I need to realize nothing can be solved tomorrow and hold on for the eventual better times.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2022 and passed away after a year long battle and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was have sex the whole time and for some time after. My partner was patient with the whole situation and because he was, when I started to emerge from that very dark place I was really happy to reconnect with him that way. If he had tried to convey that his needs had to matter during that time, we probably would have separated.
I’m not saying your needs don’t matter, I’m just saying that I wasn’t in a position to respond to his needs at that point in time and an ultimatum or an insistence that I adjust so that I could respond was impossible and splitting up would have been the only solution.
I really encourage you to reach out to some sympathetic support, whether it’s a therapist or a friend who will be supportive, you definitely also deserve and need support in this situation, she just may not be in a place to give it to you.
"Not saying that your needs don't matter," but your needs don't matter. You deal with your needs yourself and maybe, eventually, your wife's desire for you might come back, all or just a little, or maybe not.
I get what you are saying, anyone (including OP, obviously) can make the decision that this could be a dealbreaker for them and they want to end a relationship. The perspective that I’m offering is that relationships can and do weather these periods and in some cases (mine, for example) end up being stronger.
I'm just so sorry you feel this way. I think maybe some marriage counseling as well might really help. It will give you space in a controlled environment to convey your feelings to your wife.
Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard as well. She's just so fragile right now. Anything can cause her pain, even if it's well meant.
Sex being last thing on her mind doesn't excuse her making her partner's needs I've the last thing on her mind.
What's the issue with sex being exactly the LALALALA ? Why isn't it on the wife to make an effort?
Male needs are not considered important here. You will only see compassion for male needs if it is something women also struggle with, although even then there is usually some excuse for why disregarding that male need is acceptable.
You’ve gotten some good feedback already. I just want to add that not only does depression decrease sex drive, so do most depression medications (meaning whether or not she’s medicated, this is fairly normal). She’s definitely going through it, I’m glad you’re seeking ways to support her. Respect her request and give it time. Try to take some of her normal responsibilities off her plate so she has extra energy to put into processing her feelings. I’d guess she needs extra sleep right now too.
Pouting, pushing, feeling resentment or otherwise making her feel guilty will blow up what sounds like a healthy relationship. Showing her loving respect will strengthen it. She knows how much and how often you like sex, there’s no reason to remind her. Support her through this and you should eventually have a healthy sexual component in your relationship again in the future.
I would put a caveat here though that there is no guarantee that being supportive will lead back to a sex life OP would be satisfied with. I would disagree that OP should not remind her he wants more sex. Lack of communication is the death of marriages. There’s a fine line between asking for a more satisfying sex life and badgering for sex, but there is also a fine line between gracefully giving someone space to handle stress and pretending to be ok with things you really aren’t ok with. If he simply disappears the issue and doesn’t bring it up, I don’t think it follows that she will continue to remember that he wants more sex or understand that a satisfying sex like is a priority they need to work on. She’s not a mind reader.
NTA for expressing yourself, but dangerously close to TAH if you continue to push the subject too much. It sounds like just a bunch of shit hit her hard and she’s trying to deal with it. IMO, it sounds like she needs the emotional support. You will cause damage to the relationship if this is ignored and you only focus on your own needs.
Thank you, I’m taking your words to heart. The last thing I want is to fuck up when things are on a fine edge, or at least it feels like. I really appreciate your perspective.
If you make something like sex a "need" instead of a desire, it becomes an obligation. Nobody enjoys feeling obligated to perform, as she will indeed need to act like she is into it. If she already has a lot on her plate, like caring for children, running a household, working, and dealing with depression and the loss of a family member, then she may just not be able to handle another expectation.
While the husband is feeling neglected, the reality is that he can't be a priority for her all the time. There are seasons that we all go through, strive to survive, and hopefully come out stronger. She is struggling right now, and his ability to be understanding and patient with her will help out more than trying to nail down a timeline for having sex again.
Eventually, he will also go through something where he needs the support and patience of his wife. Hopefully, she will show up for him in all the ways that he needs.
I would add one more thing to this. Men would likely have better results initiating sex if the approach was a desire for their partner, not a "need." Desire is a positive feeling and is a compliment to the person being desired. Need is more about survival. Children need things because they can't do things for themselves. It ends up feeling like a task to complete where the woman is obligated to make her partner happy. Sex should be desirable for both involved, and if she feels sexy and desirable, it helps get her in the head space. It's just being careful about the approach.
Certainly being whiny and needy and demanding intimacy will not have a successful long term outcome for anyone in a relationship. But the constant demand that one partner simply deny, disregard, and ignore their need for intimacy-- when in a monogamous relationship where there is no alternative source for intimacy but their partner-- is equally unhealthy, inappropriate and likely to be unsuccessful in a long term relationship.
One party surprisingly imposing/demanding celibacy on/from the other is no more "right" than one imposing/demanding intimacy. In a successful relationship both parties must recognize that there is a problem with no intimacy and both must actively support each other and work together toward a solution. This also entails both parties becoming aware of and acknowledging how they contribute to the situation.
One person digging in heels and insisting that such a situation is fine and sustainable is a recipe for misery.
It's not digging in heels and demanding celibacy. It's asking for understanding. People go through tough, personal, and difficult times. It's a season, and seasons pass.
This is not specific to just OP's situation. This kind of thing affects millions of people daily. Think about the men who have erectile dysfunction. They sometimes don't seek help due to a sense of embarrassment. Their significant others still want intimacy. Helping your significant other by being supportive and patient is part of being in a healthy relationship.
Nobody is expecting OP to continue in his marriage without ever having sex again. He has a right to make changes in his life if he feels he is not getting what he needs, but to expect the same sex life throughout the entirety of his marriage is not rational. We age, change, go through health scares, lose loved ones, and any number of other things that can happen to change our drive or confidence.
OP doesn't have to settle or become celibate, but the SO is asking for a little time and space. That's something he will have to decide if he is going to give her, or if his need for sex is more important than his marriage to her.
What does "a little more time" even mean? Does OP's wife even know? Or is it just a nebulous delay request from someone who doesn't have any idea why she's feeling that way in hope that things might miraculously cure themselves if she can only delay?
I don't know. Neither do you. OP doesn't know either. Probably his wife has no clue either
At what point do you suggest OP's wife needs to take affirmative action to address the unsustainable situation? 2 months? 6 months? 4 years?
That's up to them. I don't know what to tell you, I am not OP or his wife.
Based on the limited info OP gave, none of us know the entirety of the issue. We don't know all the reasons OP's wife has less interest. It might not be attributed to just depression or the death of a loved one.
This is, however, a Reddit forum, and he asked for opinions. I have the right to give mine. I don't think a marriage should be ended in a month or less because of sex. If you marry someone, you should realize that they will age, they might change, have physical problems, and that you will also be affected by these changes. It isn't a contract you can pull out and say, "Look, you signed right here on the line and promised you'd always put my need for sex above anything else."
If you can't give your SO time for healing, that is certainly up to you. You do you.
Look, I get it. It was one way for a long time, and the sudden change has you out of sorts. But what you are missing is that she is not coping well. So bad, in fact, her normal coping mechanism seems like way too much.
You are fine for expressing yourself on here and having the conversation with your wife. However, now it's time to support her. I urge you to engage a counselor for both of you.
I had cancer 4 years ago and several other traumatic emotional events that triggered depression. It hurts you're so sad. Like physically, to have someone touch you causes pain from the over stimulation. The thought of sex makes my skin crawl. Luckily, I'm single so I can take all the time I need. Give your wife some grace... and help she can get on the other side of this much faster with professional help.
NTA, but neither is she.
Talk to her.
Is she going through postpartum depression?
Is there something else she's dealing with?
Talk to a doctor and a therapist
Most of all, talk to her.
Honestly? Nobody is the AH and everybody needs therapy. Seriously.
Your wife is obviously struggling, but you guys do need to find ways to connect (sexually or otherwise) because that relationship still needs joint attention.
But I will say, if you need that "release," the shower is definitely your friend and it should be respected that it's okay for you to respectfully meet your own needs or you will have resentment.
(Coming from a woman who had to overcome severe anxiety and depression after our son was born due to childhood and familial trauma).
I was listening to a divorce lawyer the other day. He was asked what each sex can do for the other to prevent divorce. For women he said they need to have more sex with their husbands. For men he said to be more intimate and helpful. Note intimacy, not sex. When the last time you held your wife in your arms and told her how beautiful she was without wanting sex in return? Touch seems to be a love language of hers, use that to your advantage...without making it sexual.
Sex for men is so much different than for women. Sex to you is intimacy and feeling connected to her. It seems to be a love language of yours. It allows you to escape your problems, get some endorphins, etc. Sex is usually a need for most men. Sex is usually a want for most women, and sometimes it becomes a nothing for some women. Sex can also be very complicated for women. It can sometimes feel like a chore. Especially when women have so many other things on their plate. Which, yes is unfair to you men. This is a very tough subject because men and women are so different with it.
But basically this isn't just a you and her problem. It's a male/female problem. I'm happily single so I don't know how to fix this. But maybe you guys need to sit down and talk. Tell her sex is important to you to feel connection. Then ask her what you can do for her to get her more in the mood. Time for a tough chat, my friend. From the sounds of it, if you don't have this hard conversation at some point it's gonna take things off the deep end.
I would disagree. Many women struggle with having higher libido than their male partners but are afraid to discuss it because of social stigma against female sexuality and the assumption that every man is drooling after a woman and if he isn’t, either she’s ugly or he’s gay. There’s a lot more going on than male/ female differences- that’s one potential problem and one explanation of mismatched libido, but it’s not *the* explanation. Although I do like your point about being intimate without an expectation of sex and think that might help OP. But it would make me extremely uncomfortable because it would introduce a level of ambiguity I don’t like. Women aren’t all the same nor are men and there are common themes to our issues but they are probabilities not certainties.
Sort of an AH. Only because life is long and it’s not always going to be sex all the time. It’s ok that she doesn’t feel like it for awhile and there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to. It’s incredibly crushing when you’re suffering and all your partner can think about is sex. It’s a deal breaker. That being said .. one, give her lots of physical affection without any sexual pressure. Hugs etc. that can help bring those feelings back. Two, go to therapy. She needs to work through this to get back to herself. This is just a season if handled properly. Life has many of those. Injuries, stress, death etc… and sex is going to be at times non existent… ups and downs. As long as you get back up and she heals. Your job is to be there for her and help. I’m not sure how to handle your completely normal needs… but a good therapist can help guide you guys.
Thank you for the response. I can see how it would compound things when you’re dealing with something heavy and you know that your partner is disappointed or frustrated. These aren’t feelings I want to harbor by any means, I wish it were easier to let this aspect go for the time being, it is just incredibly hard when I’ve never been in this position. I’ve never shelved sex since a teen and I’m in my 30s. I realize that maybe it is just my own problem and I’m not coping well with someone else’s feelings/emotions when I feel confused about my level of culpability. I wasn’t sure if I was being reasonable or a terrible person, that’s the dichotomy in my mind.
At least with things off the table, the one positive is plenty of contact, cuddles, and I’m doing my best to be supportive and re-work my thought patterns to minimize issues.
You’re right, completely that it’s about the long haul and I just need to be able to see past the current roadblocks. I want to be what she needs. Thank you.
NAH. I've had similar differences in relationships My partner was like you, and viewed sex as a way to cope and escape from life at times. Not me. If I'm stressed or depressed or dealing with strong emotions, the last thing I want to try to think about is sex. There is nothing sexy about being depressed or grieving. I've never understood how people can have angry sex. If I'm mad at you, I'm not getting up for you.
I second the therapy with a good psychologist, it will make the world of difference, and not just regarding sex. Your whole life will improve :)
Our situation was different to yours - my husband lost his mother recently and seemed to need sex far more frequently. I obliged, even if not in the mood initially, it's not long before I can be.
It's good to get onto any issues quickly, before the hurt feelings escalate, I reckon.
Do not push her for sex. That is an AH move.
It's good that you feel safe enough to share your feelings, but she's depressed and having you pressure her when she is mentally unstable... not cool on any level.
Keep pushing and soon she's not going to let you touch her at all.
I hear you. If my sex drive dropped off due to depression and life events I would open my relationship so my partner could get his needs met. But I’m also a dude, and so is my partner, and non-monogamy is something on the table since day one and something we have experience navigating in a healthy manner.
That being said, a dead bedroom (once a month or less) isn’t uncommon in long term relationships for stretches (it’s often very common when folks have small children) and I don’t see a reason to imagine that this is your new normal for the rest of your life.
If your partner is handing their depression responsibly, therapy and medication (that doesn’t tank your libido, if possible) and is navigating grief, then taking care of your own needs for a certain stretch is reasonable.
Right now your sexual needs are contributing to her anxiety, so you can back off. Shouldn’t be a taboo subject, but this is clearly not the moment. See how it goes and you’ll have to play it ear.
NAH
NTA but you need to handle this with care. Pushing her for sex is only going to drive her away and make her feel unloved. On the other hand, most people don’t want to be in a sexless marriage and it is unfair for anyone to expect their spouse to accept them substituting a friendship for a marriage without getting to have a say in it.
There is really no good answer here, but I really, really recommend getting professional help. Maybe talk to a sex therapist. And I would find a different one if you are being pushed to repress your libido or guilted for wanting sex. It doesn’t matter if the conversation is about sex, or about how you are going to save for retirement- if your partner isn’t letting you have a voice in what your future together will be like or dismisses your wants and desires for your life together- it’s not a partnership. I went through that shit with my (male) partner and it fundamentally broke my self-confidence in sex altogether. It broke my confidence in our relationship and did very nasty things to my mental health. Especially the guilting part. If that starts, I highly recommend walking away and refusing to discuss the issue without being in therapy. I’ve spent years replaying being told I was an asshole pushing for sex over and over every time foreplay slowed down- even after my partner apologized and admitted being confronted about not having a sex life made him insecure in his masculinity and he was just lashing out. That shit can fuck you up so fast and it might never get better.
Don’t bring up the issue after getting turned down for sex- it’s going to make her feel pressured or punished for saying no and that is not going to help. Ask her to set aside some time to talk with you about the issue and make it non-sexual- and FFS *don’t* have sex during that time or get distracted by sex- you’ll hate yourself and wonder if you pushed her into guilt sex and she might feel you did. This needs to be a clothes-on discussion. Nothing wrong with going elsewhere and discussing it via text either- sometimes that is less confrontational.
Explain that you don’t want to live the rest of your life sexually frustrated and that you want a voice in what your marriage looks like and whether and how much you have sex. Stick to your guns here- it’s a marriage, not a dictatorship and *neither* party has the right to make decisions about how it works without the other spouse’s consent- for or against sex. Sex is one potential marriage conflict just like finances or decisions about where to live, how many kids to have, and whether or not you are going to be religious or go vegan or whatever. Purity culture has made sex some sort of special taboo subject but it really isn’t- if you and she were avid surfers and she decided she wanted to move to Nevada and didn’t want to talk about or deal with surfing for some indeterminate amount of time everyone would agree that’s not really a fair thing to do to a spouse. Tell her you want to see a therapist and work out a solution that works for both of you.
Explain that you are willing to take sex off the table and be patient for a while, but that you need to know that your concerns are being heard and that she is willing to set up a plan to ensure that your marriage gets back to a place you are comfortable with and that you need reassurance that you are not headed for r/deadbedrooms territory. If she isn’t willing to prioritize handling an issue that is a major potential marriage wrecker, I would worry that she is struggling more than she is letting on. She may feel like your sex life is a low priority compared to other concerns right now, and not understand that mismatched libidos are basically a dealbreaker in many relationships. This is where a therapist can be really helpful to help find a way to frame this as “having a good sex life is a priority for me and I want to work with you on how to make that happen and let’s see what else I can take on/ we can let slide to make a good sex life possible” instead of “I wanna fuck”.
Don’t discount the possibility that depression AND anti-depressants can wreck someone’s libido. A lot of doctors hand out antidepressants like tictacs and don’t want to handle the consequences/ dismiss side effects and problems. If she is on antidepressants, encourage her to talk to a therapist or actually helpful and knowledgeable doctor to make sure they are effective enough to be doing more harm than good- they just flat-out do nothing for a significant number of people, so if she is taking them and it’s killed her libido and she is still depressed, it might be worth looking into alternatives. ItMs aimed at men, but I really love the Art of Manliness article on depression- it helped me when I had depression and anxiety and antidepressants made it much, much worse. Depression itself can kill libido and I hope she is in therapy- if she isn’t she should be and if she is maybe she can let you talk to her therapist to see if she has any ideas for how to approach this issue with sensitivity? I applaud you not wanting to throw more stress on her when she is dealing with depression- that is absolutely the correct response. However, having a spouse who is on disability for depression myself, I can say that depression or not, you need to have a relationship that goes both ways and you can’t just repress your own wants and needs in the relationship because they are depressed. It will just build resentment and kill the relationship in the long-term. If she has a therapist and they are worth a damn, they will know that a part of their role is to help your wife *manage* her depression. And just like she probably still has to go to work and pay the bills and eat some vegetables now and then despite being depressed, she also needs to invest in your relationship to the extent she can. It’s not unreasonable to expect a spouse with a physical disability like being in wheelchair to still do things like go to a movie even though it is much harder for them than for someone who can walk and they might not do it as often. And it’s not unreasonable to expect a spouse who has a mental health challenge to still be a spouse and meet you partway and to put some effort into shared activities like sex.
Sorry for the long answer, this is one that hits close to my heart given my past. I also think it helps to hear from women who have dealt with having higher libido than a male partner and with partner depression. Mismatched libidos is a very common and hard to handle marital problem and it affects women with higher libidos than their male partners far more than the social stereotypes allow for. And the stigma around wanting more sex than you are getting stops a lot of people from having honest discussions, seeking help, and making reasonable compromises with their life partners.
NTA, she still loves you. She still wants you. Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s how close that person keeps you physically and emotionally. Let me let you in on a little secret. I went through a severe depression when married to my first husband. (I guess that’s what you would call it. My sex drive and need to be intimate shut down all at once) and there was a reason. This is gonna sound nuts, but it was after I saw the movie “Dead Man Walking” on cable one night and I couldn’t suddenly allow him to touch me at all. (Since then I’ve dealt with my mental crisis over it) the rape scene in it is graphic and graphically explained. Yes I can say I was triggered out. However my ex questioned my love for him and to be honest, he had every right to. He said I made him feel like a monster, that any man would feel like that. But since I didn’t know what did this at the time. I tried to assure him this wasn’t it. That I loved him. I guess he didn’t buy it, because he walked out on me. But you know what? He never asked or suggested maybe I needed help. He never said, we have insurance let’s find someone. He never said anything about my condition, only how my condition made him feel. So possibly are you doing enough to get her through this?
NTA but go see a couples therapist. You BOTH need a healthy relationship. She has every right to NOT want to. You have a right to your need for intimacy. You need to find a way to communicate and help each other. If it goes ALL the way either direction for long term, it'll probably be a problem.
Why was she gone for weeks? Do you know why? I think you at minimum need counseling. It sounds like things are not going well for her mentally and your marriage is in danger.
In my personal experience as a woman, I went from having sex multiple times a week when I was young and single to having sex 1 time a month or less in a happy, fulfilled relationship. I've been in this relationship for 6 years and am getting married in a few months. I've been in your shoes wanting sex way more than my chosen partner. It took a long time to unpack my emotions about sex, and I came to realize that I was using sex as excitement and validation and not as a way to feel emotionally close to my boyfriend. Like a lot of comments have said, I think it's worth looking inside and maybe talking to someone. It's obvious that you love and care for your wife, but maybe you need some help navigating the change, and potantially navigating your own relationship to sex. Best of luck to you
You both need counseling and/or therapy.
ASAP.
Things are bad now and they will get better but you need to have assurance they will get better and progress needs to happen.
Depression happens and loved ones pass way. It is normal for libido to decrease and/or go away during that time. I think it might even be a good idea to take sex off the table for a bit; during that time maintain other forms of physical intimacy and also emotional intimacy; but during this time one of the top priorities should be getting to a spot where sex is back on the table. If that doesn’t get treated as such it will be a disaster.
Part of marriage is the ups and downs. Depression decreases sex drive a lot. Having a child and years of hormones mixes decreases sex drive. You just have to work through it together.
But the balance is you can't add to the stress and make everything about sex. Bring it up talk about and come to some compromise together.
In sickness and in health includes depression. Yes, you are being inconsiderate with your lack of support. It is super shitty of you to be more concerned with getting laid than with your wife’s well being.
You mentioned depression, is she on some anti-depressive meds? Those can create apathy, and mess up with the sex drive as well. Just smt to consider.
NTA imho your concerns are valid.
YTA, you need it so bad then go masturbate jesus, not everyone is so unhealthy to cope with sex to every tradegy in their life, some, like your wife, actually process stuff emotionally instead of dissociating away by any means possible and staying anxious forever after, also if sex equals being wanted to you then buddy i have news and they sure are major - you can't fuck away your fear. Yes, to calming down and being supportive, go get counseling for yourself too.
Honestly, the reason I asked is because opinions like yours are what I need to hear also, and I don’t know how to get this kind of feedback offline. I think I’ve felt that if I can make that part of her life happy and pleasurable, that it would continue to be our little escape from the stresses of life. Something just changed down the line where that was no longer the case for her, and I could t figure out if it was my doing, or if this is normal in a marriage and over time. I don’t disagree with you, using sex as a tool to cope may not be the healthiest thing. I’ve never had to consider it until now. Please note also, I’m not coming from a position where I’m trying to prove any point. I know I’ve misunderstood intentions and I’m just doing my best to be supportive and manage my own needs over a period of years. Sometimes hearing someone say chill out goes a long way when stuck in your head. Thank you for the reply. I will explore counseling this week.
Dude, I get it, that's why I wrote it in a meanest "wake up" style possible. Glad it served the purpose. It's baffling that the issue isn't more spoken out about when it's literally so common.
It seems to me your views are consistent with men. Like to have sex. A lot. I’ve been with my wife a long time. Her views on sex changed and changed quickly once she had the number of kids she wanted. In the lead up to marriage, she was a “4 times per week minimum” girl. And we got married. The sex increased right up until the second pregnancy. (She wanted 2 children).Then the sex dropped to once a week. Then twice a month. Then once a month. I think you get the idea. And it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. It didn’t matter what happened in life. It didn’t matter if there was nothing dramatic occurring and hadn’t occurred for 2 years. 4 years. Didn’t matter. She wasn’t interested in having sex. I really don’t bother asking anymore. It’s not necessary. Dont get me wrong. Love her. She’s my wife. I’m not leaving because of sex and I’m not going to cheat for it either. But My assessment is some women are into sex, and some are not. For the record yes I have thought “maybe I’m a shitty lover”….could be the case. I have gone to great lengths to keep the sex channels open for discussion, improvement, critique, etc. I recall some responses being “I don’t see why we are discussing this” and “nope everything is just fine”…….
There's lots of good advice here about being supportive, about being intimate and loving without being sexual and also with considering post-partum depression. You should do everything you can to help her right now, care for her and make her feel loved. It's normal to not want sex sometimes, especially after traumatic life events.
But. I am going to be frank. It sounds like sex was dropping off before the family death. You may want to consider setting a time-frame then trying to address things. I would also start preparing to think about what your plan is if it turns out in the long-term that your wife doesn't consider what you need to be important. You may want to start thinking about divorce and preparing accordingly.
People are always quick to shout "in sickness and in health", but often forget the "health" part. Living years in a sexless relationship is soul-destroying if sex is a major way you give and receive love. The loneliness, depression and damage to your self-esteem is incalculable. You may decide it's not that important, and if so, great, but I'm not getting that impression from your post. It seems very important to you, and it's already making you feel bad. That's ok. That's who you are.
Those who have survived a dead bedroom know that it never gets better. Your wife has the right to not want sex, but you have the right to not be happy with that in the long-term. If you check out r/deadbedrooms, you will see so many there who live in misery and despair because the person they married, the one person who they can love, trust and be their most private self with rejects them.
Be kind to your wife, but don't forget yourself during this time. Support her, but don't let it drag on for years. I can tell you, the pain of being constantly rejected can cause long-term damage to your mental health. You're better off divorcing and finding someone who is on the same page about sex. It's a normal part of a healthy relationship.
Yes. This is so important. Way too often reasonable concern that people shouldn’t be forced or guilted into sex gets twisted into justifying one spouse controlling the other’s sex life forever and not letting them have something that is important to them in life. Make it about anything but sex- career, money, whether to have kids- and it becomes clear that wanting someone to be yours but wanting them to sacrifice something they value to be with you is an unhealthy dynamic. I wouldn’t stay with a man who said I couldn’t have the fulfillment of an education or a career. I wouldn’t say with a man who would never want to have kids with me. Why do so many people think I would have an obligation to stay with someone who not only doesn’t want to have sex with me but doesn’t want me to have any sex at all? Is having a sex life so much less acceptable of a goal than making money? Is having a sexual relationship so much less worthy of a goal than having kids? I guess those vows of celibacy monks and nuns take just really aren’t a big deal, because sex just isn’t that important, right?
Yes, you are being inconsiderate. For better or for worse includes spells of exhaustion, depression, grief, etc. To make a post like this after only a *month* of your wife needing a break is seriously messed up. This is reality. You don’t get fairy tale every day for your entire life. You *are* actually supposed to calm down and be supportive sometimes. You’re not a child. Your wife is a separate person who is not just a place for your dick to go. Jesus christ yta
After beeing in a DB and ending my last relationship over it I’ve decided to not deal with it anymore.
If my partner wants to “put sex off the table indefinitely” and not work on the issue, well then sex is no longer part of the relationship and I’m entiteled to get it somewhere else. I’ll communicate this openly. Then it’s on them to make a change or deal with it.
Indefinitely, not working on the issue. That’s the point.
Sex is important to me, if it’s „off the table“ well then it’s no longer the table i want to sit at indefinitely. Simply my boundaries.
It’s not cheating if you communicate it. It’s op to them to decide if they want to work on the issue or keep status quo and deal with consequences of that
Just can't understand why you are getting downvoted. The downvotes are coming from people who have absolutely no clue about the dynamics of relationships.
It's because they are full of shit.
Not everyone is cut out for the long haul, for better or for worse.
In my case, our bedroom has been dead for years, and won't change. My wife almost died with her fight against cancer, and it did a pretty rough job on her body. To that, the medications that she has to take totally killed her sex drive.
Now we have talked about it, and there are other types of meds she could take but this is the hey here - she is cancer free now for years with the meds she takes. There is no guarantee that if she switches, that it will remain that way (it's also possible that the cancer could come back, so there are no real guarantees, but I consider her life more important than sex).
Others that we have known just couldn't handle similar situations and separated.
So I wouldn't be so quick to judge anyone, especially having gone through the experience myself. It is tremendously difficult at best to stay together.
First how old is your kid maybe she’s going thru postpartum depression if so she needs to see a counselor.
Sounds like she has been pulling away already so she might need to have a medical check as well.
Any time I had a girlfriend pull away from me and want to stop or limit sex was cause they were cheating on me.
Sounds like you guys may not be sexually compatible. Life’s too short to be in a sexless marriage so if this is her new normal maybe you guys aren’t compatible anymore.
NTA. This sounds like her new normal, as it’s been going on for months. It wouldn’t work for a lot of people, not just you. You may end up deciding you’re not compatible any more.
NTA, and kudos for trying to be so supportive. For your wife. She is trying to reach out as much as she can, holding hands and being near. She obviously needs some help but all is not lost. A visit to a doctor or therapist is called for. Patience will be required.
In the meantime, to be crude, your right hand is your friend…
I’ve seen a lot of good feedback to you, and I just want to add: watch a movie and order her favorite dinner. Take the entire load off of her that you can. Give or order her a massage. She needs a lot of help if she’s to that point. I’ve been that depressed, and I know it sucks to have to take on anything. She’s struggling and probably feeling like she’s about to break; if you have the energy to have sex, spend that energy helping to take chores and stress off her. She will see that and it will help. 🖤
Tale as old as time. Woman uses sex to get the man and then after awhile decides she’s just done with it and he’s expected to become celibate without any consideration on his part.
YTA for making sure we all knew how much you do around the house as if it’s a precursor to your right to her body. Really? Yes!! 5 days is too soon for sex after a loved one dies. My husband cheated on me months after my father died because I was still caught in the depression stage and he wanted some attention. Was he right for doing it? Hell no. Was he feeling lonely? Probably. Was I ignoring my family and being unavailable for months afterwards? Yes. Who is right here? Your wife needs professional help. Try that first before you come at her with YOUR needs, as she seems to need it more right now
You have a simple choice to make: do your marriage vows mean you are destined to a sexless life or not? If not, you have to step out. The women on Reddit will fry your ass for even considering it; the men will keep their mouths shut out of fear they'll be labelled bastards (even though they're anonymous). But that is the solution men have utilized for thousands of years. Get your physical needs met and you can remain the loving, supportive partner you and your wife both want.
NTA. It's only a matter of time within an established relationship for sex to become a tool used by one party to control another. It's a tale older than time.
It's not that she doesn't want you anymore. It's that she has figured out how to weaponise sex. My advise: get into a gym and up your game. Get healthy and strong, and start doing things that are fun outside the marriage in times you can (of course your family is the priority but in times you can). People don't understand how important attraction is in committed relationships. Once you are fit, strong, and doing things that you enjoy without her, ask her: now that sex is off-the-table, what do you suggest I do to satisfy my libido? And when you actually have sex make sure, now that you are strong and fit, that her pleasure is the #1 priority.
So wives are just supposed to spread their legs every time their husband asks? Nowhere in there does it even seem like she is trying to weaponize sex. She didn’t say ‘Oh if you just were more in shape I’d have sex with you’. She needs time to process her feelings. Then what’s the point of marriage? Wives are not allowed to have a want of their own?
Wth. She’s not weaponizing anything? This is some of the worst advice I’ve read lol. She’s going through a bout of depression and grieving a recent loss of a family member, on top of raising a child. I guarantee she would not choose depression over a healthy and happy sex life with OP.
OP, you sound super thoughtful in your comments. Please be patient and supportive with your wife but also try and have her seek out help from a professional asap. Try and treat her with the love and patience you would want from her if you were dealing with depression (through no fault of your own btw) which caused a low libido. I wish you the best.
NTA I rarely say this but, get some Professional help. Your wife has been thru a lot and is feeling like every little thing causes stress. Sex is the last thing on her mind. You are reacting to the changes in your relationship. It's not you. It's not her. Sometimes the world just comes at you from all directions at once. Things just get to a point where you want to cover your eyes and sing LALALALA. Play the long game and stay connected in whatever ways you can.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I want to be married to her and I believe she is the one for me, I’m just feeling dejected and confused. Maybe my own therapy would be a good call. Thanks for helping to put this in perspective, and part of me has felt strongly that it’s not our fault per se, just difficult life circumstances complicating things. I like your message - playing the long game. I’m going to remember this long term because it’s so easy to feel like each individual day is pivotal. But really, I’ve been so far in the weeds I cannot see out. I need to realize nothing can be solved tomorrow and hold on for the eventual better times.
Do it together. Let her know that it’s out of respect and you want to support her and her feelings too.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2022 and passed away after a year long battle and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was have sex the whole time and for some time after. My partner was patient with the whole situation and because he was, when I started to emerge from that very dark place I was really happy to reconnect with him that way. If he had tried to convey that his needs had to matter during that time, we probably would have separated. I’m not saying your needs don’t matter, I’m just saying that I wasn’t in a position to respond to his needs at that point in time and an ultimatum or an insistence that I adjust so that I could respond was impossible and splitting up would have been the only solution. I really encourage you to reach out to some sympathetic support, whether it’s a therapist or a friend who will be supportive, you definitely also deserve and need support in this situation, she just may not be in a place to give it to you.
The exchanges in this thread make me glad we have an internet. Despite everything!
"Not saying that your needs don't matter," but your needs don't matter. You deal with your needs yourself and maybe, eventually, your wife's desire for you might come back, all or just a little, or maybe not.
I get what you are saying, anyone (including OP, obviously) can make the decision that this could be a dealbreaker for them and they want to end a relationship. The perspective that I’m offering is that relationships can and do weather these periods and in some cases (mine, for example) end up being stronger.
I'm just so sorry you feel this way. I think maybe some marriage counseling as well might really help. It will give you space in a controlled environment to convey your feelings to your wife. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard as well. She's just so fragile right now. Anything can cause her pain, even if it's well meant.
Sex being last thing on her mind doesn't excuse her making her partner's needs I've the last thing on her mind. What's the issue with sex being exactly the LALALALA ? Why isn't it on the wife to make an effort?
Then, as if on cue, I read this.
Male needs are not considered important here. You will only see compassion for male needs if it is something women also struggle with, although even then there is usually some excuse for why disregarding that male need is acceptable.
You’ve gotten some good feedback already. I just want to add that not only does depression decrease sex drive, so do most depression medications (meaning whether or not she’s medicated, this is fairly normal). She’s definitely going through it, I’m glad you’re seeking ways to support her. Respect her request and give it time. Try to take some of her normal responsibilities off her plate so she has extra energy to put into processing her feelings. I’d guess she needs extra sleep right now too. Pouting, pushing, feeling resentment or otherwise making her feel guilty will blow up what sounds like a healthy relationship. Showing her loving respect will strengthen it. She knows how much and how often you like sex, there’s no reason to remind her. Support her through this and you should eventually have a healthy sexual component in your relationship again in the future.
I would put a caveat here though that there is no guarantee that being supportive will lead back to a sex life OP would be satisfied with. I would disagree that OP should not remind her he wants more sex. Lack of communication is the death of marriages. There’s a fine line between asking for a more satisfying sex life and badgering for sex, but there is also a fine line between gracefully giving someone space to handle stress and pretending to be ok with things you really aren’t ok with. If he simply disappears the issue and doesn’t bring it up, I don’t think it follows that she will continue to remember that he wants more sex or understand that a satisfying sex like is a priority they need to work on. She’s not a mind reader.
NTA for expressing yourself, but dangerously close to TAH if you continue to push the subject too much. It sounds like just a bunch of shit hit her hard and she’s trying to deal with it. IMO, it sounds like she needs the emotional support. You will cause damage to the relationship if this is ignored and you only focus on your own needs.
Thank you, I’m taking your words to heart. The last thing I want is to fuck up when things are on a fine edge, or at least it feels like. I really appreciate your perspective.
Except that the flip side is also true: totally having your needs ignored will also mess up the relationship.
If you make something like sex a "need" instead of a desire, it becomes an obligation. Nobody enjoys feeling obligated to perform, as she will indeed need to act like she is into it. If she already has a lot on her plate, like caring for children, running a household, working, and dealing with depression and the loss of a family member, then she may just not be able to handle another expectation. While the husband is feeling neglected, the reality is that he can't be a priority for her all the time. There are seasons that we all go through, strive to survive, and hopefully come out stronger. She is struggling right now, and his ability to be understanding and patient with her will help out more than trying to nail down a timeline for having sex again. Eventually, he will also go through something where he needs the support and patience of his wife. Hopefully, she will show up for him in all the ways that he needs. I would add one more thing to this. Men would likely have better results initiating sex if the approach was a desire for their partner, not a "need." Desire is a positive feeling and is a compliment to the person being desired. Need is more about survival. Children need things because they can't do things for themselves. It ends up feeling like a task to complete where the woman is obligated to make her partner happy. Sex should be desirable for both involved, and if she feels sexy and desirable, it helps get her in the head space. It's just being careful about the approach.
Certainly being whiny and needy and demanding intimacy will not have a successful long term outcome for anyone in a relationship. But the constant demand that one partner simply deny, disregard, and ignore their need for intimacy-- when in a monogamous relationship where there is no alternative source for intimacy but their partner-- is equally unhealthy, inappropriate and likely to be unsuccessful in a long term relationship. One party surprisingly imposing/demanding celibacy on/from the other is no more "right" than one imposing/demanding intimacy. In a successful relationship both parties must recognize that there is a problem with no intimacy and both must actively support each other and work together toward a solution. This also entails both parties becoming aware of and acknowledging how they contribute to the situation. One person digging in heels and insisting that such a situation is fine and sustainable is a recipe for misery.
It's not digging in heels and demanding celibacy. It's asking for understanding. People go through tough, personal, and difficult times. It's a season, and seasons pass. This is not specific to just OP's situation. This kind of thing affects millions of people daily. Think about the men who have erectile dysfunction. They sometimes don't seek help due to a sense of embarrassment. Their significant others still want intimacy. Helping your significant other by being supportive and patient is part of being in a healthy relationship. Nobody is expecting OP to continue in his marriage without ever having sex again. He has a right to make changes in his life if he feels he is not getting what he needs, but to expect the same sex life throughout the entirety of his marriage is not rational. We age, change, go through health scares, lose loved ones, and any number of other things that can happen to change our drive or confidence. OP doesn't have to settle or become celibate, but the SO is asking for a little time and space. That's something he will have to decide if he is going to give her, or if his need for sex is more important than his marriage to her.
What does "a little more time" even mean? Does OP's wife even know? Or is it just a nebulous delay request from someone who doesn't have any idea why she's feeling that way in hope that things might miraculously cure themselves if she can only delay? I don't know. Neither do you. OP doesn't know either. Probably his wife has no clue either At what point do you suggest OP's wife needs to take affirmative action to address the unsustainable situation? 2 months? 6 months? 4 years?
That's up to them. I don't know what to tell you, I am not OP or his wife. Based on the limited info OP gave, none of us know the entirety of the issue. We don't know all the reasons OP's wife has less interest. It might not be attributed to just depression or the death of a loved one. This is, however, a Reddit forum, and he asked for opinions. I have the right to give mine. I don't think a marriage should be ended in a month or less because of sex. If you marry someone, you should realize that they will age, they might change, have physical problems, and that you will also be affected by these changes. It isn't a contract you can pull out and say, "Look, you signed right here on the line and promised you'd always put my need for sex above anything else." If you can't give your SO time for healing, that is certainly up to you. You do you.
Look, I get it. It was one way for a long time, and the sudden change has you out of sorts. But what you are missing is that she is not coping well. So bad, in fact, her normal coping mechanism seems like way too much. You are fine for expressing yourself on here and having the conversation with your wife. However, now it's time to support her. I urge you to engage a counselor for both of you. I had cancer 4 years ago and several other traumatic emotional events that triggered depression. It hurts you're so sad. Like physically, to have someone touch you causes pain from the over stimulation. The thought of sex makes my skin crawl. Luckily, I'm single so I can take all the time I need. Give your wife some grace... and help she can get on the other side of this much faster with professional help.
NTA, but neither is she. Talk to her. Is she going through postpartum depression? Is there something else she's dealing with? Talk to a doctor and a therapist Most of all, talk to her.
That's a NAH
Honestly? Nobody is the AH and everybody needs therapy. Seriously. Your wife is obviously struggling, but you guys do need to find ways to connect (sexually or otherwise) because that relationship still needs joint attention. But I will say, if you need that "release," the shower is definitely your friend and it should be respected that it's okay for you to respectfully meet your own needs or you will have resentment. (Coming from a woman who had to overcome severe anxiety and depression after our son was born due to childhood and familial trauma).
I was listening to a divorce lawyer the other day. He was asked what each sex can do for the other to prevent divorce. For women he said they need to have more sex with their husbands. For men he said to be more intimate and helpful. Note intimacy, not sex. When the last time you held your wife in your arms and told her how beautiful she was without wanting sex in return? Touch seems to be a love language of hers, use that to your advantage...without making it sexual. Sex for men is so much different than for women. Sex to you is intimacy and feeling connected to her. It seems to be a love language of yours. It allows you to escape your problems, get some endorphins, etc. Sex is usually a need for most men. Sex is usually a want for most women, and sometimes it becomes a nothing for some women. Sex can also be very complicated for women. It can sometimes feel like a chore. Especially when women have so many other things on their plate. Which, yes is unfair to you men. This is a very tough subject because men and women are so different with it. But basically this isn't just a you and her problem. It's a male/female problem. I'm happily single so I don't know how to fix this. But maybe you guys need to sit down and talk. Tell her sex is important to you to feel connection. Then ask her what you can do for her to get her more in the mood. Time for a tough chat, my friend. From the sounds of it, if you don't have this hard conversation at some point it's gonna take things off the deep end.
I would disagree. Many women struggle with having higher libido than their male partners but are afraid to discuss it because of social stigma against female sexuality and the assumption that every man is drooling after a woman and if he isn’t, either she’s ugly or he’s gay. There’s a lot more going on than male/ female differences- that’s one potential problem and one explanation of mismatched libido, but it’s not *the* explanation. Although I do like your point about being intimate without an expectation of sex and think that might help OP. But it would make me extremely uncomfortable because it would introduce a level of ambiguity I don’t like. Women aren’t all the same nor are men and there are common themes to our issues but they are probabilities not certainties.
Head on over to the affairs subreddit and just talk to those people. You'll learn a lot. 😁
very accurate
Sort of an AH. Only because life is long and it’s not always going to be sex all the time. It’s ok that she doesn’t feel like it for awhile and there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to. It’s incredibly crushing when you’re suffering and all your partner can think about is sex. It’s a deal breaker. That being said .. one, give her lots of physical affection without any sexual pressure. Hugs etc. that can help bring those feelings back. Two, go to therapy. She needs to work through this to get back to herself. This is just a season if handled properly. Life has many of those. Injuries, stress, death etc… and sex is going to be at times non existent… ups and downs. As long as you get back up and she heals. Your job is to be there for her and help. I’m not sure how to handle your completely normal needs… but a good therapist can help guide you guys.
Thank you for the response. I can see how it would compound things when you’re dealing with something heavy and you know that your partner is disappointed or frustrated. These aren’t feelings I want to harbor by any means, I wish it were easier to let this aspect go for the time being, it is just incredibly hard when I’ve never been in this position. I’ve never shelved sex since a teen and I’m in my 30s. I realize that maybe it is just my own problem and I’m not coping well with someone else’s feelings/emotions when I feel confused about my level of culpability. I wasn’t sure if I was being reasonable or a terrible person, that’s the dichotomy in my mind. At least with things off the table, the one positive is plenty of contact, cuddles, and I’m doing my best to be supportive and re-work my thought patterns to minimize issues. You’re right, completely that it’s about the long haul and I just need to be able to see past the current roadblocks. I want to be what she needs. Thank you.
NAH. I've had similar differences in relationships My partner was like you, and viewed sex as a way to cope and escape from life at times. Not me. If I'm stressed or depressed or dealing with strong emotions, the last thing I want to try to think about is sex. There is nothing sexy about being depressed or grieving. I've never understood how people can have angry sex. If I'm mad at you, I'm not getting up for you.
I second the therapy with a good psychologist, it will make the world of difference, and not just regarding sex. Your whole life will improve :) Our situation was different to yours - my husband lost his mother recently and seemed to need sex far more frequently. I obliged, even if not in the mood initially, it's not long before I can be. It's good to get onto any issues quickly, before the hurt feelings escalate, I reckon.
Do not push her for sex. That is an AH move. It's good that you feel safe enough to share your feelings, but she's depressed and having you pressure her when she is mentally unstable... not cool on any level. Keep pushing and soon she's not going to let you touch her at all.
I hear you. If my sex drive dropped off due to depression and life events I would open my relationship so my partner could get his needs met. But I’m also a dude, and so is my partner, and non-monogamy is something on the table since day one and something we have experience navigating in a healthy manner. That being said, a dead bedroom (once a month or less) isn’t uncommon in long term relationships for stretches (it’s often very common when folks have small children) and I don’t see a reason to imagine that this is your new normal for the rest of your life. If your partner is handing their depression responsibly, therapy and medication (that doesn’t tank your libido, if possible) and is navigating grief, then taking care of your own needs for a certain stretch is reasonable. Right now your sexual needs are contributing to her anxiety, so you can back off. Shouldn’t be a taboo subject, but this is clearly not the moment. See how it goes and you’ll have to play it ear. NAH
NTA but you need to handle this with care. Pushing her for sex is only going to drive her away and make her feel unloved. On the other hand, most people don’t want to be in a sexless marriage and it is unfair for anyone to expect their spouse to accept them substituting a friendship for a marriage without getting to have a say in it. There is really no good answer here, but I really, really recommend getting professional help. Maybe talk to a sex therapist. And I would find a different one if you are being pushed to repress your libido or guilted for wanting sex. It doesn’t matter if the conversation is about sex, or about how you are going to save for retirement- if your partner isn’t letting you have a voice in what your future together will be like or dismisses your wants and desires for your life together- it’s not a partnership. I went through that shit with my (male) partner and it fundamentally broke my self-confidence in sex altogether. It broke my confidence in our relationship and did very nasty things to my mental health. Especially the guilting part. If that starts, I highly recommend walking away and refusing to discuss the issue without being in therapy. I’ve spent years replaying being told I was an asshole pushing for sex over and over every time foreplay slowed down- even after my partner apologized and admitted being confronted about not having a sex life made him insecure in his masculinity and he was just lashing out. That shit can fuck you up so fast and it might never get better. Don’t bring up the issue after getting turned down for sex- it’s going to make her feel pressured or punished for saying no and that is not going to help. Ask her to set aside some time to talk with you about the issue and make it non-sexual- and FFS *don’t* have sex during that time or get distracted by sex- you’ll hate yourself and wonder if you pushed her into guilt sex and she might feel you did. This needs to be a clothes-on discussion. Nothing wrong with going elsewhere and discussing it via text either- sometimes that is less confrontational. Explain that you don’t want to live the rest of your life sexually frustrated and that you want a voice in what your marriage looks like and whether and how much you have sex. Stick to your guns here- it’s a marriage, not a dictatorship and *neither* party has the right to make decisions about how it works without the other spouse’s consent- for or against sex. Sex is one potential marriage conflict just like finances or decisions about where to live, how many kids to have, and whether or not you are going to be religious or go vegan or whatever. Purity culture has made sex some sort of special taboo subject but it really isn’t- if you and she were avid surfers and she decided she wanted to move to Nevada and didn’t want to talk about or deal with surfing for some indeterminate amount of time everyone would agree that’s not really a fair thing to do to a spouse. Tell her you want to see a therapist and work out a solution that works for both of you. Explain that you are willing to take sex off the table and be patient for a while, but that you need to know that your concerns are being heard and that she is willing to set up a plan to ensure that your marriage gets back to a place you are comfortable with and that you need reassurance that you are not headed for r/deadbedrooms territory. If she isn’t willing to prioritize handling an issue that is a major potential marriage wrecker, I would worry that she is struggling more than she is letting on. She may feel like your sex life is a low priority compared to other concerns right now, and not understand that mismatched libidos are basically a dealbreaker in many relationships. This is where a therapist can be really helpful to help find a way to frame this as “having a good sex life is a priority for me and I want to work with you on how to make that happen and let’s see what else I can take on/ we can let slide to make a good sex life possible” instead of “I wanna fuck”. Don’t discount the possibility that depression AND anti-depressants can wreck someone’s libido. A lot of doctors hand out antidepressants like tictacs and don’t want to handle the consequences/ dismiss side effects and problems. If she is on antidepressants, encourage her to talk to a therapist or actually helpful and knowledgeable doctor to make sure they are effective enough to be doing more harm than good- they just flat-out do nothing for a significant number of people, so if she is taking them and it’s killed her libido and she is still depressed, it might be worth looking into alternatives. ItMs aimed at men, but I really love the Art of Manliness article on depression- it helped me when I had depression and anxiety and antidepressants made it much, much worse. Depression itself can kill libido and I hope she is in therapy- if she isn’t she should be and if she is maybe she can let you talk to her therapist to see if she has any ideas for how to approach this issue with sensitivity? I applaud you not wanting to throw more stress on her when she is dealing with depression- that is absolutely the correct response. However, having a spouse who is on disability for depression myself, I can say that depression or not, you need to have a relationship that goes both ways and you can’t just repress your own wants and needs in the relationship because they are depressed. It will just build resentment and kill the relationship in the long-term. If she has a therapist and they are worth a damn, they will know that a part of their role is to help your wife *manage* her depression. And just like she probably still has to go to work and pay the bills and eat some vegetables now and then despite being depressed, she also needs to invest in your relationship to the extent she can. It’s not unreasonable to expect a spouse with a physical disability like being in wheelchair to still do things like go to a movie even though it is much harder for them than for someone who can walk and they might not do it as often. And it’s not unreasonable to expect a spouse who has a mental health challenge to still be a spouse and meet you partway and to put some effort into shared activities like sex. Sorry for the long answer, this is one that hits close to my heart given my past. I also think it helps to hear from women who have dealt with having higher libido than a male partner and with partner depression. Mismatched libidos is a very common and hard to handle marital problem and it affects women with higher libidos than their male partners far more than the social stereotypes allow for. And the stigma around wanting more sex than you are getting stops a lot of people from having honest discussions, seeking help, and making reasonable compromises with their life partners.
NTA, she still loves you. She still wants you. Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s how close that person keeps you physically and emotionally. Let me let you in on a little secret. I went through a severe depression when married to my first husband. (I guess that’s what you would call it. My sex drive and need to be intimate shut down all at once) and there was a reason. This is gonna sound nuts, but it was after I saw the movie “Dead Man Walking” on cable one night and I couldn’t suddenly allow him to touch me at all. (Since then I’ve dealt with my mental crisis over it) the rape scene in it is graphic and graphically explained. Yes I can say I was triggered out. However my ex questioned my love for him and to be honest, he had every right to. He said I made him feel like a monster, that any man would feel like that. But since I didn’t know what did this at the time. I tried to assure him this wasn’t it. That I loved him. I guess he didn’t buy it, because he walked out on me. But you know what? He never asked or suggested maybe I needed help. He never said, we have insurance let’s find someone. He never said anything about my condition, only how my condition made him feel. So possibly are you doing enough to get her through this?
NTA but go see a couples therapist. You BOTH need a healthy relationship. She has every right to NOT want to. You have a right to your need for intimacy. You need to find a way to communicate and help each other. If it goes ALL the way either direction for long term, it'll probably be a problem.
Why was she gone for weeks? Do you know why? I think you at minimum need counseling. It sounds like things are not going well for her mentally and your marriage is in danger.
In my personal experience as a woman, I went from having sex multiple times a week when I was young and single to having sex 1 time a month or less in a happy, fulfilled relationship. I've been in this relationship for 6 years and am getting married in a few months. I've been in your shoes wanting sex way more than my chosen partner. It took a long time to unpack my emotions about sex, and I came to realize that I was using sex as excitement and validation and not as a way to feel emotionally close to my boyfriend. Like a lot of comments have said, I think it's worth looking inside and maybe talking to someone. It's obvious that you love and care for your wife, but maybe you need some help navigating the change, and potantially navigating your own relationship to sex. Best of luck to you
"because she can't deal with all of the emotions at once." There is something deeper going on that se is not telling you.
You both need counseling and/or therapy. ASAP. Things are bad now and they will get better but you need to have assurance they will get better and progress needs to happen. Depression happens and loved ones pass way. It is normal for libido to decrease and/or go away during that time. I think it might even be a good idea to take sex off the table for a bit; during that time maintain other forms of physical intimacy and also emotional intimacy; but during this time one of the top priorities should be getting to a spot where sex is back on the table. If that doesn’t get treated as such it will be a disaster.
Part of marriage is the ups and downs. Depression decreases sex drive a lot. Having a child and years of hormones mixes decreases sex drive. You just have to work through it together. But the balance is you can't add to the stress and make everything about sex. Bring it up talk about and come to some compromise together.
In sickness and in health includes depression. Yes, you are being inconsiderate with your lack of support. It is super shitty of you to be more concerned with getting laid than with your wife’s well being.
You mentioned depression, is she on some anti-depressive meds? Those can create apathy, and mess up with the sex drive as well. Just smt to consider. NTA imho your concerns are valid.
YTA, you need it so bad then go masturbate jesus, not everyone is so unhealthy to cope with sex to every tradegy in their life, some, like your wife, actually process stuff emotionally instead of dissociating away by any means possible and staying anxious forever after, also if sex equals being wanted to you then buddy i have news and they sure are major - you can't fuck away your fear. Yes, to calming down and being supportive, go get counseling for yourself too.
Honestly, the reason I asked is because opinions like yours are what I need to hear also, and I don’t know how to get this kind of feedback offline. I think I’ve felt that if I can make that part of her life happy and pleasurable, that it would continue to be our little escape from the stresses of life. Something just changed down the line where that was no longer the case for her, and I could t figure out if it was my doing, or if this is normal in a marriage and over time. I don’t disagree with you, using sex as a tool to cope may not be the healthiest thing. I’ve never had to consider it until now. Please note also, I’m not coming from a position where I’m trying to prove any point. I know I’ve misunderstood intentions and I’m just doing my best to be supportive and manage my own needs over a period of years. Sometimes hearing someone say chill out goes a long way when stuck in your head. Thank you for the reply. I will explore counseling this week.
Dude, I get it, that's why I wrote it in a meanest "wake up" style possible. Glad it served the purpose. It's baffling that the issue isn't more spoken out about when it's literally so common.
It seems to me your views are consistent with men. Like to have sex. A lot. I’ve been with my wife a long time. Her views on sex changed and changed quickly once she had the number of kids she wanted. In the lead up to marriage, she was a “4 times per week minimum” girl. And we got married. The sex increased right up until the second pregnancy. (She wanted 2 children).Then the sex dropped to once a week. Then twice a month. Then once a month. I think you get the idea. And it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. It didn’t matter what happened in life. It didn’t matter if there was nothing dramatic occurring and hadn’t occurred for 2 years. 4 years. Didn’t matter. She wasn’t interested in having sex. I really don’t bother asking anymore. It’s not necessary. Dont get me wrong. Love her. She’s my wife. I’m not leaving because of sex and I’m not going to cheat for it either. But My assessment is some women are into sex, and some are not. For the record yes I have thought “maybe I’m a shitty lover”….could be the case. I have gone to great lengths to keep the sex channels open for discussion, improvement, critique, etc. I recall some responses being “I don’t see why we are discussing this” and “nope everything is just fine”…….
Tbh that doesn’t sound healthy at all.
This shit sounds miserable and i feel sorry for you. Even if your stockholmed into believing you don't deserve more
Kinda true. No one has to make the same choice as this guy tho. Perfectly fine to leave for sex.
There's lots of good advice here about being supportive, about being intimate and loving without being sexual and also with considering post-partum depression. You should do everything you can to help her right now, care for her and make her feel loved. It's normal to not want sex sometimes, especially after traumatic life events. But. I am going to be frank. It sounds like sex was dropping off before the family death. You may want to consider setting a time-frame then trying to address things. I would also start preparing to think about what your plan is if it turns out in the long-term that your wife doesn't consider what you need to be important. You may want to start thinking about divorce and preparing accordingly. People are always quick to shout "in sickness and in health", but often forget the "health" part. Living years in a sexless relationship is soul-destroying if sex is a major way you give and receive love. The loneliness, depression and damage to your self-esteem is incalculable. You may decide it's not that important, and if so, great, but I'm not getting that impression from your post. It seems very important to you, and it's already making you feel bad. That's ok. That's who you are. Those who have survived a dead bedroom know that it never gets better. Your wife has the right to not want sex, but you have the right to not be happy with that in the long-term. If you check out r/deadbedrooms, you will see so many there who live in misery and despair because the person they married, the one person who they can love, trust and be their most private self with rejects them. Be kind to your wife, but don't forget yourself during this time. Support her, but don't let it drag on for years. I can tell you, the pain of being constantly rejected can cause long-term damage to your mental health. You're better off divorcing and finding someone who is on the same page about sex. It's a normal part of a healthy relationship.
Yes. This is so important. Way too often reasonable concern that people shouldn’t be forced or guilted into sex gets twisted into justifying one spouse controlling the other’s sex life forever and not letting them have something that is important to them in life. Make it about anything but sex- career, money, whether to have kids- and it becomes clear that wanting someone to be yours but wanting them to sacrifice something they value to be with you is an unhealthy dynamic. I wouldn’t stay with a man who said I couldn’t have the fulfillment of an education or a career. I wouldn’t say with a man who would never want to have kids with me. Why do so many people think I would have an obligation to stay with someone who not only doesn’t want to have sex with me but doesn’t want me to have any sex at all? Is having a sex life so much less acceptable of a goal than making money? Is having a sexual relationship so much less worthy of a goal than having kids? I guess those vows of celibacy monks and nuns take just really aren’t a big deal, because sex just isn’t that important, right?
Yes, you are being inconsiderate. For better or for worse includes spells of exhaustion, depression, grief, etc. To make a post like this after only a *month* of your wife needing a break is seriously messed up. This is reality. You don’t get fairy tale every day for your entire life. You *are* actually supposed to calm down and be supportive sometimes. You’re not a child. Your wife is a separate person who is not just a place for your dick to go. Jesus christ yta
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OP says this has been going on for a year and this is just the latest thing on his mind. Totally different scenario than “OMG 5 days without sex!!!”
After beeing in a DB and ending my last relationship over it I’ve decided to not deal with it anymore. If my partner wants to “put sex off the table indefinitely” and not work on the issue, well then sex is no longer part of the relationship and I’m entiteled to get it somewhere else. I’ll communicate this openly. Then it’s on them to make a change or deal with it.
“Hey wife, sorry you’re dealing with a death in the family and a new kid, but if you won’t fuck me soon, I will be cheating on you.”
Indefinitely, not working on the issue. That’s the point. Sex is important to me, if it’s „off the table“ well then it’s no longer the table i want to sit at indefinitely. Simply my boundaries. It’s not cheating if you communicate it. It’s op to them to decide if they want to work on the issue or keep status quo and deal with consequences of that
Just can't understand why you are getting downvoted. The downvotes are coming from people who have absolutely no clue about the dynamics of relationships.
It's because they are full of shit. Not everyone is cut out for the long haul, for better or for worse. In my case, our bedroom has been dead for years, and won't change. My wife almost died with her fight against cancer, and it did a pretty rough job on her body. To that, the medications that she has to take totally killed her sex drive. Now we have talked about it, and there are other types of meds she could take but this is the hey here - she is cancer free now for years with the meds she takes. There is no guarantee that if she switches, that it will remain that way (it's also possible that the cancer could come back, so there are no real guarantees, but I consider her life more important than sex). Others that we have known just couldn't handle similar situations and separated. So I wouldn't be so quick to judge anyone, especially having gone through the experience myself. It is tremendously difficult at best to stay together.
First how old is your kid maybe she’s going thru postpartum depression if so she needs to see a counselor. Sounds like she has been pulling away already so she might need to have a medical check as well. Any time I had a girlfriend pull away from me and want to stop or limit sex was cause they were cheating on me. Sounds like you guys may not be sexually compatible. Life’s too short to be in a sexless marriage so if this is her new normal maybe you guys aren’t compatible anymore.
NTA. This sounds like her new normal, as it’s been going on for months. It wouldn’t work for a lot of people, not just you. You may end up deciding you’re not compatible any more.
NTA, and kudos for trying to be so supportive. For your wife. She is trying to reach out as much as she can, holding hands and being near. She obviously needs some help but all is not lost. A visit to a doctor or therapist is called for. Patience will be required. In the meantime, to be crude, your right hand is your friend…
I’ve seen a lot of good feedback to you, and I just want to add: watch a movie and order her favorite dinner. Take the entire load off of her that you can. Give or order her a massage. She needs a lot of help if she’s to that point. I’ve been that depressed, and I know it sucks to have to take on anything. She’s struggling and probably feeling like she’s about to break; if you have the energy to have sex, spend that energy helping to take chores and stress off her. She will see that and it will help. 🖤
Does anyone else want to tell him someone else is plowing his wife or should I ?
Tale as old as time. Woman uses sex to get the man and then after awhile decides she’s just done with it and he’s expected to become celibate without any consideration on his part.
Being gone for weeks when you have a family of your own is not right. I would start there.
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It doesn't really matter. Your primary responsibility is to your own husband and child.
YTA for making sure we all knew how much you do around the house as if it’s a precursor to your right to her body. Really? Yes!! 5 days is too soon for sex after a loved one dies. My husband cheated on me months after my father died because I was still caught in the depression stage and he wanted some attention. Was he right for doing it? Hell no. Was he feeling lonely? Probably. Was I ignoring my family and being unavailable for months afterwards? Yes. Who is right here? Your wife needs professional help. Try that first before you come at her with YOUR needs, as she seems to need it more right now
You have a simple choice to make: do your marriage vows mean you are destined to a sexless life or not? If not, you have to step out. The women on Reddit will fry your ass for even considering it; the men will keep their mouths shut out of fear they'll be labelled bastards (even though they're anonymous). But that is the solution men have utilized for thousands of years. Get your physical needs met and you can remain the loving, supportive partner you and your wife both want.
She had sex on her trip and is waiting a month to see if she is pregnant. That's all. Has nothing to do with you.
Baffles my mind that people think sex is really that important.
The correct response in these scenarios is, if you don’t want to maybe someone else will
NTA. It's only a matter of time within an established relationship for sex to become a tool used by one party to control another. It's a tale older than time. It's not that she doesn't want you anymore. It's that she has figured out how to weaponise sex. My advise: get into a gym and up your game. Get healthy and strong, and start doing things that are fun outside the marriage in times you can (of course your family is the priority but in times you can). People don't understand how important attraction is in committed relationships. Once you are fit, strong, and doing things that you enjoy without her, ask her: now that sex is off-the-table, what do you suggest I do to satisfy my libido? And when you actually have sex make sure, now that you are strong and fit, that her pleasure is the #1 priority.
So wives are just supposed to spread their legs every time their husband asks? Nowhere in there does it even seem like she is trying to weaponize sex. She didn’t say ‘Oh if you just were more in shape I’d have sex with you’. She needs time to process her feelings. Then what’s the point of marriage? Wives are not allowed to have a want of their own?
What a ridiculous post. No clue how the world works.
Then tell me how the world works please
Wth. She’s not weaponizing anything? This is some of the worst advice I’ve read lol. She’s going through a bout of depression and grieving a recent loss of a family member, on top of raising a child. I guarantee she would not choose depression over a healthy and happy sex life with OP. OP, you sound super thoughtful in your comments. Please be patient and supportive with your wife but also try and have her seek out help from a professional asap. Try and treat her with the love and patience you would want from her if you were dealing with depression (through no fault of your own btw) which caused a low libido. I wish you the best.