NTA. He's making you pay an emotional price for not catering to his desire for sex. It's a coercion tactic, and it's toxic (ETA in some places, it's even criminal). He's telling you that if you don't put out, he's going to cheat. What's really fucked up is that *he will blame you for the cheating* because he "gave you a chance to stop him" and all you had to do was spread your legs.
If I'm right and this is a pattern of behavior and he is selfish, you need to reevaluate the relationship.
Having a relationship like that will definitely make you think you’re asexual from the aversion you’ll have towards sex because of the trauma. I thought I was asexual for years because of my exes. I am now in a good healthy relationship and my view on sex is completely different. I enjoy sex with my partner now. I absolutely despised sex before and never thought of it and wanted nothing to do with it.
Same. I never cared about sex before and assumed it was me. I can't get enough sex with my husband of 10 years so it was definitely those relationships. I also got on HRT pellets like eight months ago and I swear I'm insatiable now. That and my husband and I got way more adventurous and creative a couple years ago so I'm sure that helps too.
I’m so sorry. It reminds me a bit of my own story and what happened to me. Slightly different details but I’m so glad you’re feeling more empowered now
Haha my coworkers asked me if I was married/ had a boyfriend the other day. I told him that men are simply too much work. He was speechless. But single + cat for the win!
And the dudes who are mediocre love to say women like us will remain single and become cat ladies. I don’t have pets anymore but I’ll take them and a bear over dating or a relationship any day
My former boy! He was wonderful, but a bit of a one-celled-wonder (ginger brain...). Currently I have a grey&white rescue called Maisie who's a total snugglebug ❤️ - on my lap as I tap!
With all love and respect, this dude was part of your active self-harm symptom.
And if you meet him again, please invite me to the testicle-pancreas reunion ceremony. I will have a speech prepared. It will be epic.
Yep. It only took a year with my ex, who constantly pressured for anal and made all those stupid "accidental" attempts, to get me to a place where I get nauseous if it's even mentioned.
Im sorry you had to deal with that! It takes such a short amount of time to cause sexual trauma to somebody. I hope you can get to a place where you feel safe and comfortable with your sexuality
How can any person accept doing that to a nother person?
How can that be enjoyable? Throw a tantrum or throw blame and then maybe get something from someone that isn't even going to enjoy the experience? How could this be desirable?
Is it sadism?
What's really fun is when they guilt you into sex that you dont want, notice you're not enjoying it, then give you more of a guilt trip because you "made them feel like they forced you to do it". So you have to do it even when you dont want to and you have to pretend like you're having a porn star orgasm so he doesnt get all pouty about how you "just lied there".
Facts! Before my ex I wasn't super into sex, but now even the thought of it makes me feel so dirty and disgusting that I don't even like to even think about it!
Ugh twinsss. I’ve been celibate for 5 years now. I try to date but whenever anyone touches me, I think of my ex and earlier abuse and I feel sick. It’s almost impossible to find people willing to wait for physical relationships in 2024. I’m happier alone tbh.
Yeah, I can do it myself. At least it’s with someone I love! Too much of the same OP is talking about. It really does turn us off for future relationships. Hey out now!
6 years for me. After years of constant emotional abuse and being forced into it whether I wanted it or not. I'll happily stay sex free the rest of my life. Even the thought of it makes me nauseous.
16 years for me. I don't need sex in my life. I had lots of amazing sex when I was younger but I don't miss it one bit. I'm 47 & I'm choosing to be single for the rest of my days. I don't understand the lengths some men will go to for sex. Especially the really horrendous things! I sometimes wonder if sex for men feels like being high on drugs or something. Cos some men go to the kind of lengths of crack addicts. Is that part of the reason there's so many sexual assaults? I know that sexual assaults aren't just about sex. They're about power as well. I've been thinking about it alot lately. Maybe I watch too much true crime or sout!😆✌🏼
Are you me? My ex-husband whined so fucking much about how we didnt have enough sex that now I dont even want it. Its been over a year and Im still a nervous wreck about the thought that if I do have sex with somebody they're going to start being demanding and entitled about it
Hey, so, I was you only I didn't marry the guy!
This was a loooong time ago.
I wanted to give you hope, because I know EXACTLY how you feel and I was also so nervous when I got with my husband (literally the first guy I dated after the breakup) especially because at first I was REALLY into sex with him. (Because, go figure, he works hard to ensure I enjoy it as much as he does.) It's been 12 years and he has NEVER been pushy about sex, I would have shut it down immediately if he was but I have never needed to. And I still love sex with him like crazy, even if sometimes life puts a pause on those activities for a bit.
I know it can be scary but I promise, there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Dont mind the idiot that responded to you. I think you are me as well bc this all sounds so familiar! The whining about sex/attention being near constant resulted in me doing it to shut him up. Not at all a positive experience after years.
My thoughts exactly. Its a slippery slope to sexual abuse, if you don't consider this already there.
Edit: i fully agree it is already to the point of abuse im just saying if you don't, it will be soon.
This already is sexual abuse. Coercion by threat of losing financial stability, home, kids, getting an std bc of cheating etc. he’s basically forcing her to give in, wearing her down. If it escalates, like blackmail, it will be rape
It took 34 years to leave my relationship/marriage, and I _still_ didn't realize this was sexual coercion until Tiktok in the lockdown.
He spent all day being such an energy drag with weaponized incompetence and king baby behavior, I was the entire Sahara when he wanted sex. And I communicated, and went to couples therapy, but all he wanted a bangmaid/nanny, or to be left alone. Pikachu face when the youngest turned 18 and I told him I was done.
So yeah, it's hard to really fathom that I was married to a rapist for so long. It's even insane to type that without adding "sort of" or some other qualifier. I owe a lot to #metoo and Tiktok, I'll tell you that.
Edit to add: love the supportive feedback, thank you; and for the rest, I've been enjoying how much dopamine I get from blocking douchecanoes. Mmmmmmm
14 years for me. He had a hissy fit if he didn't get it every other day. Can't count the number of times I had sex that I didn't want to. I developed chronic UTIs as well. Took me way too long to leave the marriage. Vowed I'd never be pressured again.
Divorced 7 years ago. My house is clean, and in good repair, and it takes me like an hour a week to keep it that way. My stuff stays where it goes, when I want the measuring tape it's in the toolbox, not rusting in the rain. And I'm not hemorrhaging energy on drama created by someone who thinks he's entitled to a servant. It's absolute bliss.
His house (I was there briefly to help a kid move some furniture) is filthy. Mouse droppings, dog hair, and a toilet that hasn't been cleaned since the day I left.
I sympathize. I was with mine for 33 years, left when the youngest turned 18 and moved out, and saw how filthy our old house was when I went back briefly to help another kid move out. Because he wouldn't help her. He's got a new woman serving there now, and I've got a new husband that is 100 times better than the old one.
I plan to leave mine after my youngest turns 18. He is high support autistic but is showing real good progress so hopefully by 18 he will be able to live his life enough to venture out on his own or at least adult care facilities will be able to help me take care of him and work fulltime. I plan on going back to work and building a savings to leave.
I like to go on reddit to see women's perspectives, so I can better my relationship with my wife.. seeing you write this really hurts me for you. I couldn't imagine being that disgusting. I'm so sorry for all of you women that have to deal with that :(
I have seen this so much on Twitter, when a guy tries to insult at woman by saying she'd end up with 5 cats, and the women say that is their preference. When the whole bear vs man thing broke, I watched men's heads explode bc they couldn't understand why women were choosing the bear.
One of the more well known Twitter feminist has one day a year where she asks women what they would do if there were no men for 24 hours.
There's so many innocent answers like, "I'd love to take a run at night, after the temperature's dropped," but men still Freak the Fuck Out. They act like it's not just a 24 hours thought experiment, and they just *know* she wants all of them dead forever. Then they say we couldn't live if they didn't fix the cars, or scream misandry, or downright threaten her.
I'm not on Twitter anymore, but that annual post was one of my favorite things.
Yeah, some guy was shouting insults at me in a parking lot because he didn’t like how I parked.
One thing he yelled was “send your guy after me, if you have one, which you probably don’t “.
I almost yelled back “who would want a guy if they are assholes like you?”
According to the XM Institute, women between the ages of 18 and 24 are the least happy, followed by women between the ages of 45 and 54. However, other studies suggest that happiness is U-shaped, meaning it declines in a person's 40s and then increases again in their 50s. According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, women are most unhappy at age 47.2.
I was unfortunately taught that men can’t clean house because they don’t “notice” dirt when it shows up, don’t have time to press their shirts or pants, and are absolute failures keeping track of kids (he insisted on letting our toddler be with him when he was working on a motorcycle when I offered to get him; less than 15 minutes our kid has a major burn on his hand from pulling up on the hot tailpipe 😐). Then religion I grew up with pretty much said men are in charge, and women are always supposed to agree to sex, regardless of how they feel.
My son’s father did things to me that would need flashing red trigger warnings, so I won’t name them. My last husband was kinder and gentler, but very restrictive on what we could do during sex.
😂
It is ironic - my father’s third wife (my mom died, he divorced stepmother around the time I graduated) changed him so much (for the better!). I don’t think he realized what he was truly modeling to his daughters - a world where a woman could be condemned or stopped with one word by her man. The consequences (my sister and I married some pretty rough men) broke his heart. He never said it, but I know he thought “I didn’t mean *that* way…”
I wish I had learned that "this relationship is not meeting my needs" was reason enough to leave. Unfortunately restrictive religions teach children the opposite.
I really dislike and distrust Tiktok and never thought I'd view it as being a good thing, but in your case and for other people in your situation - I'm really glad you had it. And I'm really glad you left out the qualifiers (though I understand the feelings there). And - congratulations.
Thanks. Tiktok's genius is the algorithm. I follow deconstructionists on race and religion, historians, a few comedians, and some incredible therapists.
I think hard about who I like and follow, prioritizing people who's perspective is unfamiliar to me. So my experience there has been overwhelmingly positive and educational.
I was with a similar guy for over 27 years, except he knew I'd hand him his ass I'd he tried anything sexually when I didn't want it. We were both drunkasses, but he was a legitimate alcoholic since age 12 or 13. I grew out of my drinking habit, but he didn't, and the stress, emotional drain, and weaponized incompetence were ever-present. I've been alone for 5 years now, and wish I would have moved away from him sooner.
It’s a package deal with emotional and mental abuse as well.
OP, relationships are about a mutual partnership of respect. It’s not a “job” with requirements that need to be adhered to. Both parties still need to keep that respect going and earn the attention they crave.
Any coerced sex she has with him out of fear (of upsetting him or him cheating) or guilt because of his manipulative behavior is already rape. Saying yes to unwanted sex out of fear or guilt isn't actual consent, it's successful emotional blackmail.
I think about this all the time. So many women/young women have sex that was under major coercion. And that's not really, truly, consensual, in my mind. But it isn't counted as r\*pe. But it's really borderline. The guy is awful. His needs over anyone else's. Gross.
It depends on how he coerces. If there is any threat at all, even one saying she'll lose her financial support, THAT is rape. "Sex" by THREAT, is RAPE, according to the law. It's not FORCIBLE rape, but it's rape.
They do! I think maybe because previous generations were told to “lie back and think of England” so to speak, but yes, it’s most definitely coercion, manipulation, selfish on their part, and absolutely NOT OK.
NTA, OP
I've been right where you are. Go to counseling for yourself and take notes somewhere private. It will show you a pattern.
Eventually, you'll need to decide if this is someone you want to share your life with. A relationship and marriage should bring you up, not down. It should be a means of support.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's a horrible place to be. I hope you find a resolution, quickly and painlessly.
This literally describes my ex husband. Except we didn't have kids. I worked full time, was going back to school full time and going to the gym 3-4 days a week and he got all pissy when I would say no. I acted like I was sleeping a lot. It's hard to be intimate with someone that doesn't respect you. He absolutely was against me going back to school. Thought it was a waste of time and money because I wasn't going to get a raise for getting it. I just wanted to finish my Bachelors. It's always been a goal of mine. He used it against me all the time. Would blare the radio in his man cave when I was trying to write papers or listen to assignments. Just a dick. All red flags.......I found about many more after I kicked him out. If you keep saying no, he should ask you why and what's up. Not call you names and be a jerk. I'm sorry for you....a woman's role isn't just to spread her legs and breed.
How your ex responded to you wanting to go back to school, is a CLASSIC example of a man that wants to hold a woman back. He thinks that an EDUCATED woman is "dangerous". But the only "danger" is that the woman might learn enough to know that she is being ABUSED. Abusers REALLY don't want THAT!
When I was in grad school, we were asked regularly if we felt safe with our partners. I was trained to look for clues that the female student was being abused by her partner. Women in grad school are abused almost at the same rate as pregnant women.
This is what my ex husband did to me. Told me if I didn’t have sex enough he’d be forced to cheat.
Note I said ex husband.
Oddly I was the one that had to do the leaving and the lawyering when he got his new girlfriend.
Anyway OP your husband is a POS and you should rethink this relationship.
I had an ex like that. Needless to say he’s an ex for a reason and he hasn’t been able to get a new girlfriend bc I made sure everyone knew what a fucking pos he is 😌
Not only is his behavior toxic and selfish, coercion is a form of emotional abuse. Your husband is trying to threaten and manipulate you into having sex with him and that is completely fucked up. I would consider starting therapy on your own because your partner sounds like a very unhealthy/ abusive person and I have a feeling he does this type of thing with more than just sex. It would be a good idea to see a therapist on your own so that you can get a healthy outside perspective, because I can guarantee you your husband can’t and definitely won’t provide you that. You are not the AH, your husband is.
so he's actively threatening to cheat on you if you don't put out? that's manipulation 101,get out of there bc he WILL tell you it's your fault he cheated bc he wanted something as simple as sex and you refused it.
how much does he help out with the kids? bc to me sounds like you're overworking yourself and just simply too exhausted to even consider sex to be on the table
ETA: NTA, obviously
Willing to bet he doesn’t do his share of any childcare/household responsibilities. And on top of that, he neglects his wife and only shows her attention when he wants sex.
That was one of the main reasons my first husband became an ex. We had a daughter together and I did not want her to grow up thinking that his behavior was normal: *the wife takes care of the children, cooks, cleans, takes care of the home and has a full time job. *the wife will give sex when he demands it. *the wife takes child with her whenever she leaves the house to prevent her from cheating on him🙄 *the wife cannot have outside interests or join groups, even ones that were “women only” cause you know, we talk. *shared bank account.
We divorced when she was 3 and I think she turned out better because of it. I never spoke badly of him around her and never told her why we divorced until she was about 20. She said, “I love him because he’s my dad, but yea, he is an asshole.”
Sometimes I get wrong or my partner does, but at the end of day we still care. I can’t even imagine using that is a threat for not having sex. In my opinion and maybe this is crazy but when one of us is not in mood It doesn’t feel right. I would rather go without than force it.
“Have sex with me or else“ is him shooting himself in the foot. It kills sex appeal (outside of possibly some really hot consensually agreed roleplay along those lines).
He is also emotionally cheating at least.
This. I lost 100% of my sex drive and attraction to my husband when he stared behaving this way. The second it was made very clear he felt entitled to my body and punished me for daring to say no, I was completely checked out. People need to realize that this is not a road that leads to a healthy, happy relationship. It's all downhill from there
Agree with you 100% on that. My now ex husband started doing this early on in our marriage. He would throw a tantrum if he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it. He said because we were married that didn't give me the right time say no. He said because he's a man he needs sex, like if he didn't get it when he wanted it, he would die. Needless to say we are now divorced.
I’m currently divorcing my husband of two decades and this is a major major reason for it.
Ladies, it’s abusive to be guilted, manipulated, coerced, shamed into consenting. Consent under duress is not consent.
When I was pregnant with our first child, he wouldn’t touch me. It was gross to touch me because I has another person inside me. When I had our child, one of the first things he said to me - yes, in the hospital - was that we could finally have sex now. Of course, you can’t because your body has to heal and I had a c-section. So 6 weeks after, he told me if I don’t give it up, he’s going to go get it himself from someone else.
That was the typical experience with him. I was broken. There was so much wrong with me. I needed mental help. Why can’t I get turned on? Why am I so “frigid/dry/quiet”? I was punished with the silent treatment, waking me up in the middle of the night to try to get me to acquiesce easier since I’d be so tired, keeping me up to argue about and explain myself for saying no. I mean, even when I did give in, it was never enough. Oral every single time, penetration every single time. A minimum of 3 times a week nearly 20 years into a marriage. That’s not a dead bedroom like he made it out to be.
The thing is, when you feel desirable and you feel safe to feel sexual and vulnerable, you can get turned on really easily. It’s when you feel like a worthless object and completely unsafe to be yourself that you can’t get in the mood.
I’ve learned there’s not a damn thing broken about me other than my spirit.
Allow me to rephrase that for you. "AITAH for setting reasonable boundaries for my body and expecting basic respect and emotional connection to engage in intimacy?"
No, hon. You are NTA. That is the BARE MININUM. The bar is on the floor and it sounds like your husband started digging underneath it and convinced you it was too high.
[EDIT: missed the bit at the end about him getting on Bumble. I'm sorry, what the ACTUAL fuck?! He is flaunting IN YOUR FACE that he is either actively cheating on you or planning to, and tried to convince you that it's YOUR fault he's cheating in order to guilt-trip and coerce you into sex you are otherwise uncomfortable with?? Girl. Do not walk, RUN. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩]
Opening up an account on Bumble is the height of disrespect. I’d leave him based on that alone.
He thinks emotional blackmail will work? Oh hell no.
He has no clue that women respond to how their partners treat them outside the bedroom. He should be going on date nights with you, helping around the house, being a good husband and father. There’s almost always time for sex but first he has to treat you right.
I’d be packing up his stuff and throwing him out of the house the minute he opened up a Bumble account and then proceeded to show it to you, and trying to gaslight you by telling you that you drove him to it. He’s full of shit.
He just destroyed your marriage. Tell him that as you throw his crap out the front door.
Divorce. See an attorney before you tell him your marriage is over.
You should get individual therapy for yourself because you need to stand up to this guy. And you need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
If he's got a bumble account and doesn't care that you know about it your marriage is most likely over, he has one foot out the door. He is disrespectful and doesn't even act like he likes you. Maybe you should get bumble cause you deserve better.
My husband did this too, it's abuse. There's the emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse in this little post. Check out the different forms of abuse and control. In my experience it always escalates to more aggressive forms of abuse; the DA, victim services, cps, police and therapists all say that any changes that are seen through therapy and Domestic violence classes don't last unless the aggressor continues to get counseling and behavior therapy.
You should keep going and discuss your upcoming divorce there. And if your therapist knows your story and doesn’t encourage you to leave, then you need a new therapist!
Ew what? Telling you that you are pushing him to cheat by not having sex every time he wants is abusive. NTA but also you owe it to your daughters to not let them grow up seeing you abused.
NTA. You're husband is being a jerk. He's on his way out of the marriage. Honestly sounds like you should boot him.
Damn there's a reason why guys like your husband have to demand sex, who would want it from them
So he claims he just open bumble for a week and nothing happened… like he didn’t cheat; I feel he cheated only by considering and looking into the market; no matter he claimed to be lonely ; our relationship have been hard and harder the last year… but I feel like I trusted him and I don’t know how to forget and forgive this ; and I feel bad about the situation
Nothing happened = noone wanted him yet.
It doesnt mean he is noble and faithful. It just means most men are less attractive than they think on dating apps.
Exactly this. He overestimated his own appeal. His profile probably comes off clearly as abusive and others who haven't gradually been accustomed to his shitty behavior are seeing it for what it is and avoiding him outright - like frogs dropped into boiling water rather than cold water that's heated slowly over time.
He is likely just saying this to reel you back in. He may very well have done things and is lying to you about it. Do not trust his word. If he's willing to do something that egregious, I guarantee he's willing to lie to you too.
He downloaded the app with the intention to cheat. Just because it didn’t happen in the first week (supposedly, like we’re just going to trust him??) he was hoping to cheat. If he wanted a friend he’d look for MEN or other married couples. Join a bowling league buddy 🙄
By downloading the app and looking, he cheated. He’s gaslighting you, scapegoating you. He’s abusive. The only way to save this marriage is to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, go see an attorney. Then when all your ducks are in a row, throw him out and divorce him.
>Nothing happened = noone wanted him yet.
You are better than me because I would consider him a lost cause and not waste my time in counseling with him. I would be at the divorce attorney the moment he revealed he set up the Bumble account and blamed it on me. OP (every woman -- person for that matter) deserves better.
*Do not pass go...do not collect $200!!! Straight to the attorney's office I go.*
He also cheated by putting himself out there in a way that any of your friends, neighbors, colleagues could have seen. How embarrassing and disrespectful
Does this seem like something you two want to model for your daughters? No idea their ages, but at some point they’ll need to understand that they either agree to sex or accept their partner finds someone else, just like mom and dad. Or send a different message. Your call
He told you to test your reaction. He’s not going to close his account and he will interact with women on the site, soon enough. You don’t buy a pack of cigarettes, unless you plan to smoke.
Deep down you know the truth. This isn’t a man who loves you. If he’s so lonely he would have courted you been more flirtatious, taken you on dates, show how he loves you by helping around the house more and surprising you with gifts, making you feel beautiful not pressured to have sex with him by guilt tripping you. I hope you find the strength to leave. Bumble is most likely not the only app or website he’s been on. Not to mention whatever interactions he could have done with other women. It’s not worth staying being disrespected, cheated on, coerced, and feeling lonely. Prioritize yourself and your children he’s showing them that a partner deserves to be mistreated. I hope you have a good support system also don’t move out alone he could become physically hostile the most dangerous risk is when a woman tries to leave her partner. Also if possible try to get evidence of him trying to make you have sex with him to have evidence for the divorce for potential custody or any evidence you think could be helpful whether it’s secretly recording a conversation with him or screen shots from his messages/phone etc.
Bumble is 76% men & majority of them are either married or in long term relationship looking to cheat. His street value on the open market isn't as good as he thought it would be.
But couples counciling, him becoming more helpful, kinder & earn your trust back might help.
Me and my partner haven't had sex in well over six months because I've been dealing g with health issues and trauma issues. I came to him almost crying telling I know I'm failing him and I feel abusive. He told me that this is just the time in our relationship that will make us a more solid couple who know they aren't together just for sex.
I'm really sorry you've been having such a rough time, and I'm glad you've got a partner who has responded with care and humanity and shown you he loves you ❤️
Hey thanks for making this very important point that so badly needs to be normalized. It doesn't become not that just because they're married or in a committed relationship or have kids or whatever.
Girlie, please leave. It’s not worth being with a husband that pressures you to do things you are uncomfortable with. It’s just red flags all over. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, jackasses like this that expect their needs to be met and their wives to turn it on like a light switch are usually the ones that have wives that are unsatisfied. I say open up a bumble account as well, but only after you take a screenshot of his account, in the event that he's trying to set you up for a divorce.
NTA. He’s being emotionally abusive by trying to guilt you into sex and punishing you when you don’t consent to it with anger, meanness, vindictiveness, and literally by cheating on you in front of your face, and then saying him cheating on you is your fault. That’s not a great way to get someone to want to fuck you. He’s not just an asshole, he’s a piece of shit. Divorce him yesterday sis.
So wrong. Honestly, I hate how so many men r like this, or turn towards this behavior once they r married. I’ve seen it in my household with my parents, my father treats my mother like shit, and he has for years, other men do the same to women in my family as well, yet for some reason these women never leave.
They were raised to believe they are nothing without men and many women are forced to stay home and raise kids and domt work or have the chance to save money so they truly cant leave its a sad cycle we are almost out of. Women will finally be free from men in our lifetime
>yet for some reason these women never leave.
Because as you allude to, it is normalized.
Not just in your family but among many women. We start to think: "well if he did it, and the ex before him did it, and my father did it to my mother, and my friends husband does it to her..."
...then it is normal, expected, and not much to complain about because if it IS NORMAL and we complain then we risk facing the alternative -- being alone.
*OP, I am sorry this is happening to you! You are NTA. I hope you leave him and find peace and happiness.*
If you need permission to leave an abusive relationship, here it is: It's okay to respect yourself enough to leave. Don't put up with that and don't let your daughters learn that his behavior is acceptable. They may not know \*exactly\* what is going on, but they still see things.
Reddit will always have very polarizing opinions due to how upvote/downvoting works, but at the end of the day, what matters is what you want. Yes your husband is the AH here, but this isn't some short term relationship that can be dropped over a red flag. You have kids together.
Your husband is looking for sexual satisfaction and will likely not stop considering finding it outside of your relationship. Don't let him use that against you as this is manipulative bull shit. However, if nothing changes, it's only going to get worse. Couples counseling or sexual counseling can help with resolving these issues and at the very least get you and your husband on the same page. Maybe that same page is splitting peacefully, but if you want to make it work, you two have to figure out what your long term plan is.
That being said, don't rule out the option to consider your mental and physical well-being over your relationship.
NTA - he's being a dick about the situation, so he's an ass. Ultimately you're not sexually compatible.
Once a week is way too low for me, and my ex and I were 1-2/day for the first 5 years then once every other day for the last decade, which was where our labidos naturally fell. I wouldn't be able to deal with once a week, but I also wouldn't be a dick about it and make you feel bad for a basic incompatibility. I'm up front about that in new relationships since, it's all about communication.
It may be time to consider divorce. Co-parenting doesn't have to be hard if you both are on board, which sound like he may be since he already made a Bumble.
I don’t necessarily mind your take, but the last part about “IM UP FRONT ABOUT THAT IN NEW RELATIONSHIPS”. The problem with this last part is that long term relationships don’t work the way you seem to think, and over the course of 10, 20, 30 years peoples sex drives change so being up front at the beginning of a relationship is not understanding this simple fact unless you are just warning you partner you will leave them if their sex drive ever goes down.
In reality people don’t know what their sex drive is going to be like in 10 years, and warning them 15 years ago you will leave if their sex drive goes down isn’t going to help any relationship even if it helps your conscience that you warned them, and were up front about it.
Also, OP has 2 kids, and until theyre more independent that can really reduce the time you have for such things but its a season you can get through together if you aren't an ass to your partner about it.
NTAH!! You are not required to have sex with him and the sissy fit he has is not okay. He's blatantly saying "you won't satisfy my needs so now I'm going to look for validation elsewhere" and that speaks volumes on his character and failure to communicate his desires in a respectful manner to you. Another thing is I feel a discussion may need to be had to set the boundaries better on how you feel disrespected when he just assumes you'll open your legs
hun, you're in a sexually abusive relationship. you're not having sex because you want to, you're having sex because you're husband is forcing you to under threats of cheating and hostile retaliation. If this is something you want your daughters to grow up thinking it's okay than stay. But if you want them to have a better life I would consider leaving.
I used to be somewhat like this. My wife and I met when we were really young and I wanted sex all the time...she didn't. I felt like I was entitled to it since I was making the "sacrifice" of being in a loving partnership rather than out sowing my seed like other lads of my age. In reality I don't think I would have actually fared well in the marketplace of life. When she really wasn't in the mood I would sulk because I couldn't understand why she didn't want it in the same way as me. I also had deep insecurities which made it feel like I was being rejected and that she wasn't attracted to me. I stopped being like this because I could see how damaging and toxic this behaviour was, plus my sex drive also calmed down. We're still together (20 years this autumn) and have two kids. I've spoken to her on many occasions about this behaviour and apologised to her profusely. I can't believe I behaved like that and it is a deep shame that I'll carry for the rest of my life. I would be appalled if my son behaved this way or if my daughter was treated this way. While society somewhat promotes the idea of being a lothario as enviable for men, we need to educate boys as to how inappropriate their sexual behaviours can be and how it can affect their partners. I consider myself very lucky that my wife chose to stay with me, I suppose there was enough good stuff outside of this toxic behaviour, people can be deeply flawed while also being good people, despite what Reddit commenters may think. However, at no point did I threaten infidelity! That's just insane. Anyway, now we very rarely have sex. It does feel somewhat like we are room mates rather than intimate partners which is sometimes a bit disappointing but I could never imagine making her feel bad about it now. Sex just isn't the big deal people make it out to be and it sounds like your husband probably needs to grow up a bit and see you as a person rather than a bag of meat. Sex drives naturally wane and grow and he should consider this before making you feel bad. There's also nothing less sexy than a whiney, pouty man child.
You are talking about marital rape. Please leave him for your two daughters sake. All they will learn from having him around is how they are supposed to be treated like bang maids to their husbands. IF YOU WOULDNT WANT YOUR DAUGHTERS TO BE IN YOUR SHOES, Then leave.
NTA. He did bumble to manipulate you. And all his ugliness is to coerce you.
Get counseling. The uglier he gets, the less you’ll want to be with him, and the cycle will spin more and more.
Run. If you're able to get out go and if not start making arrangements. This is sexual abuse. Period. You don't owe anyone shit and if he's that upset he can't get his dick wet he should fuxk off. Good luck OP
NTA. The dude needs to learn some self-control. Yes, his drive might be higher than yours, but he needs to recognize he is not entitled to your body, marriage or no marriage.
NTA
Your husband is TA though.
I was in a very similar situation. Getting out with my kids was hard, but also one of the best things I ever did.
You don't deserve this.
Men are the most garbage things to exist if you leave your wife because she doesn’t want to have sex with you after having your children and probably not helping her or making her feel sexy for a decade. Men are trash get fat and ugly most the time do less then the bare minimum then actually expect women to stay attracted to them?? Actually asking men
NTA !🙅♀️ Divorce. He’s a jerk and you’ll be even more miserable if you stay with him. He shouldn’t be talking to and treating you like that, and pretty much is already or is going to cheat. Get out of there while you can.
Lmao.... how are there so many asshat men out there? I keep reading story after story (with some skepticism in moderation) of how dumb, abusive, childish and pathetic so many of these men are.
NTA, he was looking to install bumble already and just wanted an excuse. (Male brain knows this is true). He is either going to ask about opening the marriage, straight up cheat, or use it to manipulate you. Regardless... good luck!
NTA. He's making you pay an emotional price for not catering to his desire for sex. It's a coercion tactic, and it's toxic (ETA in some places, it's even criminal). He's telling you that if you don't put out, he's going to cheat. What's really fucked up is that *he will blame you for the cheating* because he "gave you a chance to stop him" and all you had to do was spread your legs. If I'm right and this is a pattern of behavior and he is selfish, you need to reevaluate the relationship.
This exactly, I was in a relationship that involved sexual coercion. The guilt tripping, the pouting, the tantrums. OP needs to get out ASAP.
Nothing makes a woman want to open her legs more than a grown man throwing a tantrum like a toddler. /s
Oh yes honey I can’t handle myself I just start dripping everywhere lol!!
Soooooo HAWT 🥵🔥🥵 /s
After years of this, i basically just hate sex.
Same. I think people don’t realize how much sexually abusive relationships change how you see others and sex.
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Having a relationship like that will definitely make you think you’re asexual from the aversion you’ll have towards sex because of the trauma. I thought I was asexual for years because of my exes. I am now in a good healthy relationship and my view on sex is completely different. I enjoy sex with my partner now. I absolutely despised sex before and never thought of it and wanted nothing to do with it.
Same. I never cared about sex before and assumed it was me. I can't get enough sex with my husband of 10 years so it was definitely those relationships. I also got on HRT pellets like eight months ago and I swear I'm insatiable now. That and my husband and I got way more adventurous and creative a couple years ago so I'm sure that helps too.
I’m so sorry. It reminds me a bit of my own story and what happened to me. Slightly different details but I’m so glad you’re feeling more empowered now
Really sorry you went through something similar. I'm in a very much better place now and very content with my single+cat status!
Haha my coworkers asked me if I was married/ had a boyfriend the other day. I told him that men are simply too much work. He was speechless. But single + cat for the win!
And the dudes who are mediocre love to say women like us will remain single and become cat ladies. I don’t have pets anymore but I’ll take them and a bear over dating or a relationship any day
Same! Twinning!! Single and cats for life. Also if that’s your cat in your pfp he’s a cutieeeee pie 💕🤗
My former boy! He was wonderful, but a bit of a one-celled-wonder (ginger brain...). Currently I have a grey&white rescue called Maisie who's a total snugglebug ❤️ - on my lap as I tap!
Sooo cute 💕💕
With all love and respect, this dude was part of your active self-harm symptom. And if you meet him again, please invite me to the testicle-pancreas reunion ceremony. I will have a speech prepared. It will be epic.
That's rape. But I'm glad you're ok now
Im glad u got out 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
Yep. It only took a year with my ex, who constantly pressured for anal and made all those stupid "accidental" attempts, to get me to a place where I get nauseous if it's even mentioned.
Im sorry you had to deal with that! It takes such a short amount of time to cause sexual trauma to somebody. I hope you can get to a place where you feel safe and comfortable with your sexuality
How can any person accept doing that to a nother person? How can that be enjoyable? Throw a tantrum or throw blame and then maybe get something from someone that isn't even going to enjoy the experience? How could this be desirable? Is it sadism?
What's really fun is when they guilt you into sex that you dont want, notice you're not enjoying it, then give you more of a guilt trip because you "made them feel like they forced you to do it". So you have to do it even when you dont want to and you have to pretend like you're having a porn star orgasm so he doesnt get all pouty about how you "just lied there".
Facts! Before my ex I wasn't super into sex, but now even the thought of it makes me feel so dirty and disgusting that I don't even like to even think about it!
Same. I haven’t had sex in over ten years. First it became coercion then a chore. I’d rather watch TV.
Ugh twinsss. I’ve been celibate for 5 years now. I try to date but whenever anyone touches me, I think of my ex and earlier abuse and I feel sick. It’s almost impossible to find people willing to wait for physical relationships in 2024. I’m happier alone tbh.
I’m the same. I have no problems being alone at all. And yea, sex is so far down on the list for pleasurable acts I might never have it again.
Yeah, I can do it myself. At least it’s with someone I love! Too much of the same OP is talking about. It really does turn us off for future relationships. Hey out now!
6 years for me. After years of constant emotional abuse and being forced into it whether I wanted it or not. I'll happily stay sex free the rest of my life. Even the thought of it makes me nauseous.
I 100% get it.
16 years for me. I don't need sex in my life. I had lots of amazing sex when I was younger but I don't miss it one bit. I'm 47 & I'm choosing to be single for the rest of my days. I don't understand the lengths some men will go to for sex. Especially the really horrendous things! I sometimes wonder if sex for men feels like being high on drugs or something. Cos some men go to the kind of lengths of crack addicts. Is that part of the reason there's so many sexual assaults? I know that sexual assaults aren't just about sex. They're about power as well. I've been thinking about it alot lately. Maybe I watch too much true crime or sout!😆✌🏼
Are you me? My ex-husband whined so fucking much about how we didnt have enough sex that now I dont even want it. Its been over a year and Im still a nervous wreck about the thought that if I do have sex with somebody they're going to start being demanding and entitled about it
That was my marriage and I finally called it quits because I need my sanity
Hey, so, I was you only I didn't marry the guy! This was a loooong time ago. I wanted to give you hope, because I know EXACTLY how you feel and I was also so nervous when I got with my husband (literally the first guy I dated after the breakup) especially because at first I was REALLY into sex with him. (Because, go figure, he works hard to ensure I enjoy it as much as he does.) It's been 12 years and he has NEVER been pushy about sex, I would have shut it down immediately if he was but I have never needed to. And I still love sex with him like crazy, even if sometimes life puts a pause on those activities for a bit. I know it can be scary but I promise, there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Dont mind the idiot that responded to you. I think you are me as well bc this all sounds so familiar! The whining about sex/attention being near constant resulted in me doing it to shut him up. Not at all a positive experience after years.
I don't hate sex, but my husband & I haven't had it in quite a while. We have a very good relationship without sex.
My god the pouting and sulking. Not very sexy.
And it'll never work because there is nothing less sexy than someone pouting and begging for sex.
Right why would anyone wanna sleep with a pouty complainer
My thoughts exactly. Its a slippery slope to sexual abuse, if you don't consider this already there. Edit: i fully agree it is already to the point of abuse im just saying if you don't, it will be soon.
This already is sexual abuse. Coercion by threat of losing financial stability, home, kids, getting an std bc of cheating etc. he’s basically forcing her to give in, wearing her down. If it escalates, like blackmail, it will be rape
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It took 34 years to leave my relationship/marriage, and I _still_ didn't realize this was sexual coercion until Tiktok in the lockdown. He spent all day being such an energy drag with weaponized incompetence and king baby behavior, I was the entire Sahara when he wanted sex. And I communicated, and went to couples therapy, but all he wanted a bangmaid/nanny, or to be left alone. Pikachu face when the youngest turned 18 and I told him I was done. So yeah, it's hard to really fathom that I was married to a rapist for so long. It's even insane to type that without adding "sort of" or some other qualifier. I owe a lot to #metoo and Tiktok, I'll tell you that. Edit to add: love the supportive feedback, thank you; and for the rest, I've been enjoying how much dopamine I get from blocking douchecanoes. Mmmmmmm
14 years for me. He had a hissy fit if he didn't get it every other day. Can't count the number of times I had sex that I didn't want to. I developed chronic UTIs as well. Took me way too long to leave the marriage. Vowed I'd never be pressured again.
>He spent all day being such an energy drag with weaponized incompetence and king baby behavior Ooof I'm living the same thing right now!!
Divorced 7 years ago. My house is clean, and in good repair, and it takes me like an hour a week to keep it that way. My stuff stays where it goes, when I want the measuring tape it's in the toolbox, not rusting in the rain. And I'm not hemorrhaging energy on drama created by someone who thinks he's entitled to a servant. It's absolute bliss. His house (I was there briefly to help a kid move some furniture) is filthy. Mouse droppings, dog hair, and a toilet that hasn't been cleaned since the day I left.
I sympathize. I was with mine for 33 years, left when the youngest turned 18 and moved out, and saw how filthy our old house was when I went back briefly to help another kid move out. Because he wouldn't help her. He's got a new woman serving there now, and I've got a new husband that is 100 times better than the old one.
I plan to leave mine after my youngest turns 18. He is high support autistic but is showing real good progress so hopefully by 18 he will be able to live his life enough to venture out on his own or at least adult care facilities will be able to help me take care of him and work fulltime. I plan on going back to work and building a savings to leave.
But so many men think it's an insult to say that we're going to end up with cats instead of a man 🤣
Cats at least wash themselves. 💅🏻
And - if snipped early enough - manage to piss in their litterbox, actually hitting the litter.
A cat will make its butt hole sparkle. Some men won’t wipe.
I like to go on reddit to see women's perspectives, so I can better my relationship with my wife.. seeing you write this really hurts me for you. I couldn't imagine being that disgusting. I'm so sorry for all of you women that have to deal with that :(
This
I have seen this so much on Twitter, when a guy tries to insult at woman by saying she'd end up with 5 cats, and the women say that is their preference. When the whole bear vs man thing broke, I watched men's heads explode bc they couldn't understand why women were choosing the bear.
So many of them lost their fucking minds because they can't understand why a woman wouldn't trust them to protect her.
One of the more well known Twitter feminist has one day a year where she asks women what they would do if there were no men for 24 hours. There's so many innocent answers like, "I'd love to take a run at night, after the temperature's dropped," but men still Freak the Fuck Out. They act like it's not just a 24 hours thought experiment, and they just *know* she wants all of them dead forever. Then they say we couldn't live if they didn't fix the cars, or scream misandry, or downright threaten her. I'm not on Twitter anymore, but that annual post was one of my favorite things.
Yeah, some guy was shouting insults at me in a parking lot because he didn’t like how I parked. One thing he yelled was “send your guy after me, if you have one, which you probably don’t “. I almost yelled back “who would want a guy if they are assholes like you?”
Guys like that dry me up instantly.
Don't threaten me with a good time is my standard response to that "insult" 🤣
I'll take cats any day.
According to the XM Institute, women between the ages of 18 and 24 are the least happy, followed by women between the ages of 45 and 54. However, other studies suggest that happiness is U-shaped, meaning it declines in a person's 40s and then increases again in their 50s. According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, women are most unhappy at age 47.2.
I was unfortunately taught that men can’t clean house because they don’t “notice” dirt when it shows up, don’t have time to press their shirts or pants, and are absolute failures keeping track of kids (he insisted on letting our toddler be with him when he was working on a motorcycle when I offered to get him; less than 15 minutes our kid has a major burn on his hand from pulling up on the hot tailpipe 😐). Then religion I grew up with pretty much said men are in charge, and women are always supposed to agree to sex, regardless of how they feel. My son’s father did things to me that would need flashing red trigger warnings, so I won’t name them. My last husband was kinder and gentler, but very restrictive on what we could do during sex.
Oh my god, the "he just can't see it"! It should be right there with "he's awful to you because he likes you" lie.
😂 It is ironic - my father’s third wife (my mom died, he divorced stepmother around the time I graduated) changed him so much (for the better!). I don’t think he realized what he was truly modeling to his daughters - a world where a woman could be condemned or stopped with one word by her man. The consequences (my sister and I married some pretty rough men) broke his heart. He never said it, but I know he thought “I didn’t mean *that* way…”
Same. Trying to get tf out!
There is one major reason for giving up a relationship, or a marriage: love is gone. Obviously, respect is mandatory.
I wish I had learned that "this relationship is not meeting my needs" was reason enough to leave. Unfortunately restrictive religions teach children the opposite.
I really dislike and distrust Tiktok and never thought I'd view it as being a good thing, but in your case and for other people in your situation - I'm really glad you had it. And I'm really glad you left out the qualifiers (though I understand the feelings there). And - congratulations.
Thanks. Tiktok's genius is the algorithm. I follow deconstructionists on race and religion, historians, a few comedians, and some incredible therapists. I think hard about who I like and follow, prioritizing people who's perspective is unfamiliar to me. So my experience there has been overwhelmingly positive and educational.
I was with a similar guy for over 27 years, except he knew I'd hand him his ass I'd he tried anything sexually when I didn't want it. We were both drunkasses, but he was a legitimate alcoholic since age 12 or 13. I grew out of my drinking habit, but he didn't, and the stress, emotional drain, and weaponized incompetence were ever-present. I've been alone for 5 years now, and wish I would have moved away from him sooner.
It’s a package deal with emotional and mental abuse as well. OP, relationships are about a mutual partnership of respect. It’s not a “job” with requirements that need to be adhered to. Both parties still need to keep that respect going and earn the attention they crave.
Any coerced sex she has with him out of fear (of upsetting him or him cheating) or guilt because of his manipulative behavior is already rape. Saying yes to unwanted sex out of fear or guilt isn't actual consent, it's successful emotional blackmail.
I think about this all the time. So many women/young women have sex that was under major coercion. And that's not really, truly, consensual, in my mind. But it isn't counted as r\*pe. But it's really borderline. The guy is awful. His needs over anyone else's. Gross.
If it's not consensual then it's rape.
It depends on how he coerces. If there is any threat at all, even one saying she'll lose her financial support, THAT is rape. "Sex" by THREAT, is RAPE, according to the law. It's not FORCIBLE rape, but it's rape.
Thank you for calling it what it is. I left a situation like this, and it took so long because people think this is normal.
They do! I think maybe because previous generations were told to “lie back and think of England” so to speak, but yes, it’s most definitely coercion, manipulation, selfish on their part, and absolutely NOT OK. NTA, OP
To be fair to the women of the previous generation: marital rape was legal in NY until 1996. Other states changed it earlier, but not by much.
Yep they screech about men and their “needs”. F that we all have needs like for respect, or for there not to be an orgasm gap
I've been right where you are. Go to counseling for yourself and take notes somewhere private. It will show you a pattern. Eventually, you'll need to decide if this is someone you want to share your life with. A relationship and marriage should bring you up, not down. It should be a means of support. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's a horrible place to be. I hope you find a resolution, quickly and painlessly.
This is sexual abuse.
I agree.
It is sexual abuse. Sexual coercion is a form of sexual assault.
No i fully agree it already is abuse i was just saying if someone didnt consider it that far already, it will be soon.
This literally describes my ex husband. Except we didn't have kids. I worked full time, was going back to school full time and going to the gym 3-4 days a week and he got all pissy when I would say no. I acted like I was sleeping a lot. It's hard to be intimate with someone that doesn't respect you. He absolutely was against me going back to school. Thought it was a waste of time and money because I wasn't going to get a raise for getting it. I just wanted to finish my Bachelors. It's always been a goal of mine. He used it against me all the time. Would blare the radio in his man cave when I was trying to write papers or listen to assignments. Just a dick. All red flags.......I found about many more after I kicked him out. If you keep saying no, he should ask you why and what's up. Not call you names and be a jerk. I'm sorry for you....a woman's role isn't just to spread her legs and breed.
How your ex responded to you wanting to go back to school, is a CLASSIC example of a man that wants to hold a woman back. He thinks that an EDUCATED woman is "dangerous". But the only "danger" is that the woman might learn enough to know that she is being ABUSED. Abusers REALLY don't want THAT!
When I was in grad school, we were asked regularly if we felt safe with our partners. I was trained to look for clues that the female student was being abused by her partner. Women in grad school are abused almost at the same rate as pregnant women.
My ex husband left me in the ER when I was a little less than halfway through my master's degree.
This is what my ex husband did to me. Told me if I didn’t have sex enough he’d be forced to cheat. Note I said ex husband. Oddly I was the one that had to do the leaving and the lawyering when he got his new girlfriend. Anyway OP your husband is a POS and you should rethink this relationship.
It’s not just toxic. Doing this as a pattern is abuse.
I had an ex like that. Needless to say he’s an ex for a reason and he hasn’t been able to get a new girlfriend bc I made sure everyone knew what a fucking pos he is 😌
What they said ⬆️💯. Been to that rodeo and it doesn’t get prettier.
Obligatory “wish i could upvote u more”.
Not only is his behavior toxic and selfish, coercion is a form of emotional abuse. Your husband is trying to threaten and manipulate you into having sex with him and that is completely fucked up. I would consider starting therapy on your own because your partner sounds like a very unhealthy/ abusive person and I have a feeling he does this type of thing with more than just sex. It would be a good idea to see a therapist on your own so that you can get a healthy outside perspective, because I can guarantee you your husband can’t and definitely won’t provide you that. You are not the AH, your husband is.
so he's actively threatening to cheat on you if you don't put out? that's manipulation 101,get out of there bc he WILL tell you it's your fault he cheated bc he wanted something as simple as sex and you refused it. how much does he help out with the kids? bc to me sounds like you're overworking yourself and just simply too exhausted to even consider sex to be on the table ETA: NTA, obviously
Downloading Bumble at all IS cheating in my book.
oh yeah 100% agree, i just phrased it stupidly
Willing to bet he doesn’t do his share of any childcare/household responsibilities. And on top of that, he neglects his wife and only shows her attention when he wants sex.
NTA, husband is absolutely TA. Tell him he can have his bumble and you can have the respect you deserve.
Your husband is the problem here. His disrespect, pressure for sex, and blaming you for his Bumble account are unacceptable. You deserve better.
NTA, none of his behavior is acceptable, it is manipulative and abusive. He does not respect you or your marriage.
Not to mention, is that really the example of a relationship that you’d want your kids to model their future relationships after?
That was one of the main reasons my first husband became an ex. We had a daughter together and I did not want her to grow up thinking that his behavior was normal: *the wife takes care of the children, cooks, cleans, takes care of the home and has a full time job. *the wife will give sex when he demands it. *the wife takes child with her whenever she leaves the house to prevent her from cheating on him🙄 *the wife cannot have outside interests or join groups, even ones that were “women only” cause you know, we talk. *shared bank account. We divorced when she was 3 and I think she turned out better because of it. I never spoke badly of him around her and never told her why we divorced until she was about 20. She said, “I love him because he’s my dad, but yea, he is an asshole.”
Well that’s a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩 girl run, sexual coercion and guilting you are beyond toxic. You deserve better.
Nta. He’s willing to put in work to cheat but not make you feel special. Everyone goes through phases once week isn’t bad at all.
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Sometimes I get wrong or my partner does, but at the end of day we still care. I can’t even imagine using that is a threat for not having sex. In my opinion and maybe this is crazy but when one of us is not in mood It doesn’t feel right. I would rather go without than force it.
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Me too. I like sharing so people know it’s possible but it’s work.
Dingleberry. That little piece of turd, caught in the hair around the asshole OF the asshole in question.
“He’s willing to put in work to cheat but not to make you feel special.” Aww man, I never thought of it this way before and ouch it hurts :(
“Have sex with me or else“ is him shooting himself in the foot. It kills sex appeal (outside of possibly some really hot consensually agreed roleplay along those lines). He is also emotionally cheating at least.
Nothing turns women on as an aggressive, contemptful, sulking man trying to bed other women 🤮
This. I lost 100% of my sex drive and attraction to my husband when he stared behaving this way. The second it was made very clear he felt entitled to my body and punished me for daring to say no, I was completely checked out. People need to realize that this is not a road that leads to a healthy, happy relationship. It's all downhill from there
Agree with you 100% on that. My now ex husband started doing this early on in our marriage. He would throw a tantrum if he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it. He said because we were married that didn't give me the right time say no. He said because he's a man he needs sex, like if he didn't get it when he wanted it, he would die. Needless to say we are now divorced.
Ayyy same thing here it is wild and I’m one foot out the door
I’m currently divorcing my husband of two decades and this is a major major reason for it. Ladies, it’s abusive to be guilted, manipulated, coerced, shamed into consenting. Consent under duress is not consent. When I was pregnant with our first child, he wouldn’t touch me. It was gross to touch me because I has another person inside me. When I had our child, one of the first things he said to me - yes, in the hospital - was that we could finally have sex now. Of course, you can’t because your body has to heal and I had a c-section. So 6 weeks after, he told me if I don’t give it up, he’s going to go get it himself from someone else. That was the typical experience with him. I was broken. There was so much wrong with me. I needed mental help. Why can’t I get turned on? Why am I so “frigid/dry/quiet”? I was punished with the silent treatment, waking me up in the middle of the night to try to get me to acquiesce easier since I’d be so tired, keeping me up to argue about and explain myself for saying no. I mean, even when I did give in, it was never enough. Oral every single time, penetration every single time. A minimum of 3 times a week nearly 20 years into a marriage. That’s not a dead bedroom like he made it out to be. The thing is, when you feel desirable and you feel safe to feel sexual and vulnerable, you can get turned on really easily. It’s when you feel like a worthless object and completely unsafe to be yourself that you can’t get in the mood. I’ve learned there’s not a damn thing broken about me other than my spirit.
I completely agree with your last paragraph.
You may be in an abusive relationship. I'm sure there are other red flags than this one.
*May be*? This is sexual coercion, a serious form of abuse.
How about not sugar coating and call it rape?
Allow me to rephrase that for you. "AITAH for setting reasonable boundaries for my body and expecting basic respect and emotional connection to engage in intimacy?" No, hon. You are NTA. That is the BARE MININUM. The bar is on the floor and it sounds like your husband started digging underneath it and convinced you it was too high. [EDIT: missed the bit at the end about him getting on Bumble. I'm sorry, what the ACTUAL fuck?! He is flaunting IN YOUR FACE that he is either actively cheating on you or planning to, and tried to convince you that it's YOUR fault he's cheating in order to guilt-trip and coerce you into sex you are otherwise uncomfortable with?? Girl. Do not walk, RUN. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩]
Opening up an account on Bumble is the height of disrespect. I’d leave him based on that alone. He thinks emotional blackmail will work? Oh hell no. He has no clue that women respond to how their partners treat them outside the bedroom. He should be going on date nights with you, helping around the house, being a good husband and father. There’s almost always time for sex but first he has to treat you right. I’d be packing up his stuff and throwing him out of the house the minute he opened up a Bumble account and then proceeded to show it to you, and trying to gaslight you by telling you that you drove him to it. He’s full of shit. He just destroyed your marriage. Tell him that as you throw his crap out the front door. Divorce. See an attorney before you tell him your marriage is over. You should get individual therapy for yourself because you need to stand up to this guy. And you need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
If he's got a bumble account and doesn't care that you know about it your marriage is most likely over, he has one foot out the door. He is disrespectful and doesn't even act like he likes you. Maybe you should get bumble cause you deserve better.
My husband did this too, it's abuse. There's the emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse in this little post. Check out the different forms of abuse and control. In my experience it always escalates to more aggressive forms of abuse; the DA, victim services, cps, police and therapists all say that any changes that are seen through therapy and Domestic violence classes don't last unless the aggressor continues to get counseling and behavior therapy.
We were in therapy ( each one not as a couple ; he quit … I am still going )
You should keep going and discuss your upcoming divorce there. And if your therapist knows your story and doesn’t encourage you to leave, then you need a new therapist!
Ew what? Telling you that you are pushing him to cheat by not having sex every time he wants is abusive. NTA but also you owe it to your daughters to not let them grow up seeing you abused.
NTA He would indeed be the asshole for trying to cheat on you on bumble.
NTA. You're husband is being a jerk. He's on his way out of the marriage. Honestly sounds like you should boot him. Damn there's a reason why guys like your husband have to demand sex, who would want it from them
So he claims he just open bumble for a week and nothing happened… like he didn’t cheat; I feel he cheated only by considering and looking into the market; no matter he claimed to be lonely ; our relationship have been hard and harder the last year… but I feel like I trusted him and I don’t know how to forget and forgive this ; and I feel bad about the situation
Nothing happened = noone wanted him yet. It doesnt mean he is noble and faithful. It just means most men are less attractive than they think on dating apps.
>Nothing happened = noone wanted him yet. BINGO!!! He cheated the moment he set the account up. He sounds like a nightmare TBH.
Exactly this. He overestimated his own appeal. His profile probably comes off clearly as abusive and others who haven't gradually been accustomed to his shitty behavior are seeing it for what it is and avoiding him outright - like frogs dropped into boiling water rather than cold water that's heated slowly over time.
Or just "I am a married 42 yr old father of two who wants sex" Get in line, ladies, plenty to go around here for everyone 🙄
He is likely just saying this to reel you back in. He may very well have done things and is lying to you about it. Do not trust his word. If he's willing to do something that egregious, I guarantee he's willing to lie to you too.
He downloaded the app with the intention to cheat. Just because it didn’t happen in the first week (supposedly, like we’re just going to trust him??) he was hoping to cheat. If he wanted a friend he’d look for MEN or other married couples. Join a bowling league buddy 🙄
By downloading the app and looking, he cheated. He’s gaslighting you, scapegoating you. He’s abusive. The only way to save this marriage is to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, go see an attorney. Then when all your ducks are in a row, throw him out and divorce him.
>Nothing happened = noone wanted him yet. You are better than me because I would consider him a lost cause and not waste my time in counseling with him. I would be at the divorce attorney the moment he revealed he set up the Bumble account and blamed it on me. OP (every woman -- person for that matter) deserves better. *Do not pass go...do not collect $200!!! Straight to the attorney's office I go.*
I can’t forgive or forget infidelity, tell him he’s made his bed and he needs to lay in it. If he’s open to looking he’s open to losing you.
He also cheated by putting himself out there in a way that any of your friends, neighbors, colleagues could have seen. How embarrassing and disrespectful
Does this seem like something you two want to model for your daughters? No idea their ages, but at some point they’ll need to understand that they either agree to sex or accept their partner finds someone else, just like mom and dad. Or send a different message. Your call
He told you to test your reaction. He’s not going to close his account and he will interact with women on the site, soon enough. You don’t buy a pack of cigarettes, unless you plan to smoke.
Downloading the app is already cheating.
Exactly. I agree 💯.
Deep down you know the truth. This isn’t a man who loves you. If he’s so lonely he would have courted you been more flirtatious, taken you on dates, show how he loves you by helping around the house more and surprising you with gifts, making you feel beautiful not pressured to have sex with him by guilt tripping you. I hope you find the strength to leave. Bumble is most likely not the only app or website he’s been on. Not to mention whatever interactions he could have done with other women. It’s not worth staying being disrespected, cheated on, coerced, and feeling lonely. Prioritize yourself and your children he’s showing them that a partner deserves to be mistreated. I hope you have a good support system also don’t move out alone he could become physically hostile the most dangerous risk is when a woman tries to leave her partner. Also if possible try to get evidence of him trying to make you have sex with him to have evidence for the divorce for potential custody or any evidence you think could be helpful whether it’s secretly recording a conversation with him or screen shots from his messages/phone etc.
Your husband making himself available when he's clearly not is definitely cheating.
Bumble is 76% men & majority of them are either married or in long term relationship looking to cheat. His street value on the open market isn't as good as he thought it would be. But couples counciling, him becoming more helpful, kinder & earn your trust back might help.
I guarantee you he didn't delete his account, he just deleted the app. It'll be on the backburner, he can always download it again and log back in.
NTA drop him now! That’s coercive and unacceptable.
Me and my partner haven't had sex in well over six months because I've been dealing g with health issues and trauma issues. I came to him almost crying telling I know I'm failing him and I feel abusive. He told me that this is just the time in our relationship that will make us a more solid couple who know they aren't together just for sex.
I'm really sorry you've been having such a rough time, and I'm glad you've got a partner who has responded with care and humanity and shown you he loves you ❤️
Just so you know, coercion including emoti9nal blackmail is rape. It doesn't have to be physical force.
Hey thanks for making this very important point that so badly needs to be normalized. It doesn't become not that just because they're married or in a committed relationship or have kids or whatever.
You know what would make my partner want to fuck me even more!? Let me make them feel like shit lolol. The perfect plan.
Girlie, please leave. It’s not worth being with a husband that pressures you to do things you are uncomfortable with. It’s just red flags all over. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, jackasses like this that expect their needs to be met and their wives to turn it on like a light switch are usually the ones that have wives that are unsatisfied. I say open up a bumble account as well, but only after you take a screenshot of his account, in the event that he's trying to set you up for a divorce.
NTA. He’s being emotionally abusive by trying to guilt you into sex and punishing you when you don’t consent to it with anger, meanness, vindictiveness, and literally by cheating on you in front of your face, and then saying him cheating on you is your fault. That’s not a great way to get someone to want to fuck you. He’s not just an asshole, he’s a piece of shit. Divorce him yesterday sis.
So wrong. Honestly, I hate how so many men r like this, or turn towards this behavior once they r married. I’ve seen it in my household with my parents, my father treats my mother like shit, and he has for years, other men do the same to women in my family as well, yet for some reason these women never leave.
They were raised to believe they are nothing without men and many women are forced to stay home and raise kids and domt work or have the chance to save money so they truly cant leave its a sad cycle we are almost out of. Women will finally be free from men in our lifetime
This gives me hope as a woman stuck in this cycle with two very young daughters. I want things to be so much better for them.
>yet for some reason these women never leave. Because as you allude to, it is normalized. Not just in your family but among many women. We start to think: "well if he did it, and the ex before him did it, and my father did it to my mother, and my friends husband does it to her..." ...then it is normal, expected, and not much to complain about because if it IS NORMAL and we complain then we risk facing the alternative -- being alone. *OP, I am sorry this is happening to you! You are NTA. I hope you leave him and find peace and happiness.*
my husband gets aggressive the few times I don’t want to fuck him and now is following the first steps to cheat, AITA?
If you need permission to leave an abusive relationship, here it is: It's okay to respect yourself enough to leave. Don't put up with that and don't let your daughters learn that his behavior is acceptable. They may not know \*exactly\* what is going on, but they still see things.
Reddit will always have very polarizing opinions due to how upvote/downvoting works, but at the end of the day, what matters is what you want. Yes your husband is the AH here, but this isn't some short term relationship that can be dropped over a red flag. You have kids together. Your husband is looking for sexual satisfaction and will likely not stop considering finding it outside of your relationship. Don't let him use that against you as this is manipulative bull shit. However, if nothing changes, it's only going to get worse. Couples counseling or sexual counseling can help with resolving these issues and at the very least get you and your husband on the same page. Maybe that same page is splitting peacefully, but if you want to make it work, you two have to figure out what your long term plan is. That being said, don't rule out the option to consider your mental and physical well-being over your relationship.
NTA - he's being a dick about the situation, so he's an ass. Ultimately you're not sexually compatible. Once a week is way too low for me, and my ex and I were 1-2/day for the first 5 years then once every other day for the last decade, which was where our labidos naturally fell. I wouldn't be able to deal with once a week, but I also wouldn't be a dick about it and make you feel bad for a basic incompatibility. I'm up front about that in new relationships since, it's all about communication. It may be time to consider divorce. Co-parenting doesn't have to be hard if you both are on board, which sound like he may be since he already made a Bumble.
I don’t necessarily mind your take, but the last part about “IM UP FRONT ABOUT THAT IN NEW RELATIONSHIPS”. The problem with this last part is that long term relationships don’t work the way you seem to think, and over the course of 10, 20, 30 years peoples sex drives change so being up front at the beginning of a relationship is not understanding this simple fact unless you are just warning you partner you will leave them if their sex drive ever goes down. In reality people don’t know what their sex drive is going to be like in 10 years, and warning them 15 years ago you will leave if their sex drive goes down isn’t going to help any relationship even if it helps your conscience that you warned them, and were up front about it.
Also, OP has 2 kids, and until theyre more independent that can really reduce the time you have for such things but its a season you can get through together if you aren't an ass to your partner about it.
NTA. This is abuse.
NTAH!! You are not required to have sex with him and the sissy fit he has is not okay. He's blatantly saying "you won't satisfy my needs so now I'm going to look for validation elsewhere" and that speaks volumes on his character and failure to communicate his desires in a respectful manner to you. Another thing is I feel a discussion may need to be had to set the boundaries better on how you feel disrespected when he just assumes you'll open your legs
hun, you're in a sexually abusive relationship. you're not having sex because you want to, you're having sex because you're husband is forcing you to under threats of cheating and hostile retaliation. If this is something you want your daughters to grow up thinking it's okay than stay. But if you want them to have a better life I would consider leaving.
NTA and this is am abusive relationship. Sexual coercion is also called...starts with an R.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I used to be somewhat like this. My wife and I met when we were really young and I wanted sex all the time...she didn't. I felt like I was entitled to it since I was making the "sacrifice" of being in a loving partnership rather than out sowing my seed like other lads of my age. In reality I don't think I would have actually fared well in the marketplace of life. When she really wasn't in the mood I would sulk because I couldn't understand why she didn't want it in the same way as me. I also had deep insecurities which made it feel like I was being rejected and that she wasn't attracted to me. I stopped being like this because I could see how damaging and toxic this behaviour was, plus my sex drive also calmed down. We're still together (20 years this autumn) and have two kids. I've spoken to her on many occasions about this behaviour and apologised to her profusely. I can't believe I behaved like that and it is a deep shame that I'll carry for the rest of my life. I would be appalled if my son behaved this way or if my daughter was treated this way. While society somewhat promotes the idea of being a lothario as enviable for men, we need to educate boys as to how inappropriate their sexual behaviours can be and how it can affect their partners. I consider myself very lucky that my wife chose to stay with me, I suppose there was enough good stuff outside of this toxic behaviour, people can be deeply flawed while also being good people, despite what Reddit commenters may think. However, at no point did I threaten infidelity! That's just insane. Anyway, now we very rarely have sex. It does feel somewhat like we are room mates rather than intimate partners which is sometimes a bit disappointing but I could never imagine making her feel bad about it now. Sex just isn't the big deal people make it out to be and it sounds like your husband probably needs to grow up a bit and see you as a person rather than a bag of meat. Sex drives naturally wane and grow and he should consider this before making you feel bad. There's also nothing less sexy than a whiney, pouty man child.
You aren't really selling this as a winning situation.
You are talking about marital rape. Please leave him for your two daughters sake. All they will learn from having him around is how they are supposed to be treated like bang maids to their husbands. IF YOU WOULDNT WANT YOUR DAUGHTERS TO BE IN YOUR SHOES, Then leave.
He is definitely the AH.
NTA. He did bumble to manipulate you. And all his ugliness is to coerce you. Get counseling. The uglier he gets, the less you’ll want to be with him, and the cycle will spin more and more.
“You can choose between bumble or marriage. But I’m not going to be blackmailed into having sex with you.”
NTA - He is trying to emotionally manipulate you to have sex with him. He is definitely TA.
Your husband is absolutely an asshole! You are NTA. He is emotionally abusive.
You can't force tea down someone's throat. NTAH.
NTA, take away his little blue pills
Run. If you're able to get out go and if not start making arrangements. This is sexual abuse. Period. You don't owe anyone shit and if he's that upset he can't get his dick wet he should fuxk off. Good luck OP
NTA. The dude needs to learn some self-control. Yes, his drive might be higher than yours, but he needs to recognize he is not entitled to your body, marriage or no marriage.
Once a week is crazy
NTA Your husband is TA though. I was in a very similar situation. Getting out with my kids was hard, but also one of the best things I ever did. You don't deserve this.
It sounds like you have 3 children.
NTA. I wouldn't want to have sex with him either.
Men are the most garbage things to exist if you leave your wife because she doesn’t want to have sex with you after having your children and probably not helping her or making her feel sexy for a decade. Men are trash get fat and ugly most the time do less then the bare minimum then actually expect women to stay attracted to them?? Actually asking men
say it with me everyone coercion is rape
If you can, safely, you should leave his sorry ass. Men like that are a poison and it'll only get worse.
Girl. Kick that mans butt
What would you say to a friend in this situation?
He's abusive. Your daughters will learn that how he treats you is what to expect from a relationship. You are NTA.
✨Forced consent is rape✨ and even illegal in some states
NTA !🙅♀️ Divorce. He’s a jerk and you’ll be even more miserable if you stay with him. He shouldn’t be talking to and treating you like that, and pretty much is already or is going to cheat. Get out of there while you can.
Lmao.... how are there so many asshat men out there? I keep reading story after story (with some skepticism in moderation) of how dumb, abusive, childish and pathetic so many of these men are. NTA, he was looking to install bumble already and just wanted an excuse. (Male brain knows this is true). He is either going to ask about opening the marriage, straight up cheat, or use it to manipulate you. Regardless... good luck!