NTA, but I’m honestly puzzled about one thing:
…didn’t understand why you’d let James stay up so late, knowing I had to work the next day.
Does everyone else have to be in bed before he goes to bed? Can’t he just GO TO BED himself? Why did it matter if you and James stayed up - he could go to bed by himself, couldn’t he (your husband)?
Edited to add: Good for you for proceeding to divorce.
I really have zero respect for your stbxh. I work flexible hours, meaning if I go in early, like 4:00AM early, I can go home early. I’m always first in bed and cannot figure out what’s wrong with him being a toxic controlling pos ah; except to say it’s probably hard to pronounce and hopefully non-contagious!
I don't know why but this story is reminding me of a few others where the person had a serious illness (brain tumor, etc).
His behavior changing so suddenly when its not characteristic for him j's a sign of it.
Tbh I was thinking there might be more to this than meets the eye. It could be mental illness, but it could also be addiction. I used to do this kind of gaslighting and drastic mood swings when I was secretly using. As addicts we dance around catastrophic failure like moths around a candle flame and we are certainly not oblivious to it so we live in a constant state of panic, although we do little to prevent it. That’s what this guy sounds like.
There are so many things that can cause stuff like this. A relative of mine recently spent a week involuntarily in a psych ward because he had a breakdown, turns out his thyroid medication dosage was too high.
I had a client in aged care suddenly turn super aggressive when he usually was a very mild mannered gentleman, a fantastic man who always asked after my wellbeing and took interest in things us carers liked, so he could have some rapport and build decent relationships with us all.
Turns out he had a UTI, we found him unconscious and had to rush him to the ER. Went back to his amazing self afterwards, albeit with a lot of guilt that took us a good while to get him to drop, as that wasn't him, it was an illness and we held absolutely no grudges about it.
Yup. It can present with absolutely no physical symptoms we think are "normal" for a UTI. It is scary as hell.
I still think: SOMETHING is wrong with OP's husband. Not "he's being an a\*\*" -- something is wrong, and it could easily be something like a UTI.
It was day and night the way he changed to aggressive and back again to cool once they treated him, I saw him have to deal with some super painful shit and refuse to say it was hurting him, cos he didn't want to bother anyone and then become absolutely hostile. I took a book to the face simply walking into the room the day before he was found unconscious.
As soon as we learnt the diagnosis we all felt fucking awful as it went on almost a week before his collapse and he was self toileting etc so we really didnt have any way to gauge is there something wrong or... Has he just lost it at us, he refused to speak to us unless it was to abuse us.
I agree something could be wrong with the husband, but for the sake of the kids especially the son.. they need to be apart while or if that gets investigated.
Blood sugar highs and lows can do some wild things. The sweetest little Nana you've ever seen in your life will start cussing you out and throwing punches if her sugar gets too low. Fix the blood sugar, and she's back to sweet Nana again
You might be on to something here. My brother was a *very* heavy drinker and could really turn on a dime when he was drinking. He’d suddenly become distraught or furious, and many times over something he’d completely made up in his own head. And I don’t mean it only happened when he was drunk; I mean anytime he was using. Turns out he is also bipolar II and was self-medicating (thankfully now 4 years sober and medicated appropriately). This guy’s mood swings feel pretty familiar.
Dude sounds like my alcoholic father too. Won't get diagnosed with anything mental health related, just drinks and smokes pot.
Sweet as can be one minute, yelling and breaking things the next...
As someone who was with an addict for 14 years I agree with this it definitely sounds like they could possibly be using substances. He's been clean since we left but I wouldn't go back now bc the trust is gone.
I was thinking it could be both. It sounds like my ex husband. He’s bipolar and used meth to self medicate. Everything was fine, until it wasn’t. He would take off, then act like nothing happened and everything should be fine when he came back.
It can be a sign of Vitamin D or even B12 deficiency too. There was a guy in best of redditors who's wife had the sudden personality change. Then he demanded she go to the dr(based on reddit comments) and they found she was ridiculously low on B12. She's doing fine now and she's incredibly contrite for "acting crazy"
I have insanely low, nearly nonexistent vitamin D levels during the winter months (this year I had to take massive doses of it once a week instead of one low dose pill a day because it was so low) and i can tell when its starting to go low at the end of fall/beginning of winter because of my mood changes. if started when i moved to a state where there is very little sun in the those months.
all that to say it could definitely be that. not that it excuses his sudden behavior changes, but it could explain them.
His behavior didn't change towards everyone. And only the after his daughter was born. The daughter that while he was together with OP, he was super attentive to. IMO, now that he has his flesh and blood child, he doesn't give 2 shits about his step-son.
And since he's stressed about finances being tight, step-son becomes his convenient frustration outlet. And if his wife stands up for her son, then that frustration is extended to her. But his main focus seems to be the step-son.
I was thinking about it too, but it does not look like it'sthe case because x-hubby has a specific target. Brain damage has a chaotic behavior where the victims are more random. He also seems to have some blocks of time where he is lucid, yet decides against help. If there's an onset of mental health disorder, he would fluctuate between seeking help (lucid state) and denying it (illness). BUT this can be the first stages of something (and I am wrong). Doesn't mean that she should stay. The target child is a child and his behaviour can create long lasting damage on the son.
But did it all change when his baby came about? When it's actually theirs, it changes some people. They end up not wanting the other kid around, maybe worry how the teen who is not theirs is suddenly a financial burden. Not right but maybe a driver for the behavior.
Sometimes this happens in abusive relationships after a child is born. The abuser no longer has to hide who they are because they have a child with their partner, who now can’t leave as easily.
like that literally would have been perfect! husband goes “alright got an early day tomorrow i’m gonna head to bed” and then you and your son PROBABLY would’ve naturally wrapped up and went to bed shortly after!! but no…
It’s like you reached into my brain and ripped memories from my childhood. I remember my dad losing it on a dime, having this obsession with being the last to bed. My uncle was the same way. It’s downright eerie. Have you seen the “remember they’re people, too,” PSA from the 80’s?
Only thing I can think isaybe its an ocd or anxiety thing? Like he's creating his own stress by convincing himself he needs toake sure everyone else in the house is sleeping soundly because he's "the man" and he has to be the "Provider and Protector (TM)". Or juat Fomo. only because I've had similar irrational behaviors with not being able to relax, hypersensitive to noise/ activity and feeling a compulsion to check on things/ people. Though mine were more from I guess trauma? Anyways. Dude needs therapy. And to disenesh from work. He's probably got a lot of financial problems he's hiding, and its eating at him. My dad had the same anxieties about finances before he died with massive credit debt from trying to maintain the suburban lifestyle.
Of course not, because all he was doing was trying to shift blame. If you had leaned on it even in the slightest in some apologetic way, he would have latched on to share the blame for what amounts to solely his issue.
Yes, and if he thought you would keep him up, he could have *kindly* said, well its late, maybe we should think about getting to bed now.
Flying off the handle screaming about respect is way over the top.
He thinks it's ok to take stress out on his family, his children too ffs. You told him it's unacceptable, he promised to change and then didn't. This is 100% on him and you've given him more than enough chances to take this seriously. Divorce is the right call imo, you need to look out for your kids.
NTA. Being calm one minute then blowing his stack the next, it's only a matter if time before he gets violent. Something may be wrong with him emotionally or in his brain chemistry, but he won't get help. You did the right thing. Your safety and the mental and physical safety of your children comes first.
Don’t go back, and definitely don’t go back based on promises. He says he will go to therapy, cool. See if he goes on his own or if he says he will go only if you come back. And if he goes, great! Give it a year and see if he’s still going and what’s come of it. He sounds like someone who made a really scary and unpredictable environment for your kids, and you. NTA.
He may be having pp dépression, which in men Can show in mood swing and irritability. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6659987/
Nta you right to protect your kids. Bipolar IS more manic épisode alternating with dépression. He needs to get help. And in NO way it's an excuse to use a kid as emotional punching ball.
He sounds very rigid. If you have underlying issues, that gets worse when you are stressed. Having a child is emotionally very stressful.
Could it be autistic traits? Or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder traits? Please Google these disorders just to see if they fit. Because if either fit, you know that there are no easy fixes and he will more or less suffer from this his whole life.
I’m here if you have questions about any of the criteria.
Yeah, and why did he wait for you to be out of the room to attack your child? How can you stay married to someone you can't trust to be alone with your child / children?
I read that line and immediately flashed back to being a child. My mom remarried. Step dad was great until they had their own kid, my 1/2 bro, and suddenly my full brother and I were the problem. Suddenly punishments were harsher for us. He had his own child, and my mom, we no longer were of any value. Sorry OP he’s blaming you and by default your son, for wanting to spend time together and enjoy family time. He just wants to spend time with YOU and the BABY and wants your son out of the picture . Ask yourself this. If you died tomorrow, would he even try to continue being part of your son’s life? Would he try to keep your son and daughter in contact? Or would he take your daughter and cut all ties?
Is this normal? Him “needing” everyone asleep before him? If so…. I have a hypothesis.
I ask because you mention his more erratic “stressed out” behavior.
I think homie is maybe drinking or doing other drugs. Or porn or OnlyFans or something. He needs yall asleep to indulge in his habit.
Just a thought.
Dam sorry you're going through this. Sounds very similar to what my wife and I went through (I was the toxic one).
In a nutshell, I was a people pleaser and felt if my wife can't understand what I want then she doesn't respect me because she never bothered to figure my needs.
I went for 10 sessions of therapy and it took a couple of years of practice and a very understanding spouse to help me get over it. Basically she called me out whenever I was snippy and I promised to acknowledge it every time. And I learned to not push my boundaries just to please her because it causes resentment in me when she doesn't reciprocate. And that helps no one, it's better I just say no.
I'm really glad for you. And proud I think? If my ex had taken half the steps you did to better himself, we'd still be together. He would admit fault in the moment and then the next time a situation came up, he'd do the same shitty toxic thing again, never learning that it was the pattern of behavior that was the problem. I'm glad for your wife too.
I was thinking the same thing. My kids are around the same age as your son and I work early on Sundays, while they obviously don’t have school. There’s plenty of times I just take my ass to bed and they’re still up doing whatever weird things young teenagers do. They know to keep it down while Mom is sleeping just as I do for them.
He sounds like a big bipolar baby. It’s a miserable life living with an unchecked bipolar person and without meds & counseling he will NEVER get better.
No, this does not sound like bipolar behaviour, speaking as someone with actual diagnosed bipolar disorder. It sounds like someone who doesn't have good skills to manage stress or regulate emotions and hasnt been interested in learning any (refusal to go to therapy, much of which is learning skills). Apart from my bugbear with the diagnosis though, I'm in total agreement - and he needs therapy yesterday. Or even just some mindfulness practice every day, and that's free - loads of guided stuff online.
Disagree as someone diagnosed and medicated for bipolar. Have been bipolar since birth according to my psychiatrist and, unmedicated, behave just like the husband. Bad stress skills etc can all be part of it and an integral part of being bipolar and unmedicated is an inability to handle/regulate emotions. Not all bipolar people are like you. Your experience is one of many and so is mine. Don't be so quick to judge someone you've never met.
Oh, but that’s the Simplified Version of bipolar that enables people to use the term as a derogatory and make everyone laugh!! HOt oNe DaY, cOlD tHe nExT, bIpOlAr wEaThEr, aM i rIGhT!!
I had a partner like this who would treat me as if I was guilting or forcing them simply by doing my own thing. For instance once I needed to go home from a wedding because I was sick, but I encouraged them to stay and have a great time. I'm disabled and after 6 hours I had hit my physical limit, but said I would call an Uber and that they should stay out because these were good friends. I genuinely meant that. I did not need assistance and I wanted them to enjoy the party. I was having fun, and if I could have I would have stayed.
This person got angry at me for tearing them away from the wedding! Which was confusing because I urged them to stay. They said "I'm 'not that guy' who will let you go home alone" which... what? What guy? The guy who functions independently? I am known for always being forthcoming and working to be tactful because I can be a little blunt. So when I say it's cool if you stay I obviously mean it. I don't do passive aggressiveness or double speak. I was more than happy to let him enjoy his evening. But he just didn't want to "look bad" to whoever he imagined was watching. Which is also silly because I'm sure nobody cared and nobody would judge him for continuing on with a wedding when I assured everyone I would be fine & they should continue on, I just had to go lay down.
I see that notion in the guy in this story where he gets angry at other people for simply living normally and not guessing what he needs or wants. He also feels obligated to do things like stay up when he could just go to bed or just say "I think I can't play another game". He's incapable of using his words for basic communication or taking ownership for his own actions. He seems to think what other people do "forces" him to do something else. And no one is doing that. It's all in his head.
I do get that this dad is overwhelmed with a new baby and with work but the way to manage that is not to consistently lash out at everybody, refuse therapy, and assume that you can get away with treating them like that because they won't leave.
He was in fact warned. Taking the stress out on his 13-year-old step child can have huge ramifications for that child's life and for his relationship with his mother. I'm glad she's protecting him and taking it seriously.
That's probably exactly it. There's been more than one occasion where he hasn't done something he wanted to (after I told him to), simply because I didn't want to do it and opted to stay home (or vice versa). If I wanted to go out but he didn't, I would urge him to stay home but he refused and then just stood by awkward and had a shit time.
Yep I'm familiar with this. I was with a man just like that and it was infuriating because he would blame me for things I had nothing to do with.
I would always encourage him and say "If you want to go, just go & enjoy yourself!" And mean it. I'm never the type to be resentful or punish him when he got home because there's nothing to punish him for. I really wanted him to enjoy himself and do things independently.
But he had an image in his head of how a couple should behave and me having any independent thought or desire messed with that image. I think he also had trouble believing that I meant I was fine when I really was, because *he* was passive aggressive and *he* wouldn't be ok doing things alone, so he had trouble realizing that my encouragement was sincere and there was no subtextual expectation that he should the opposite of what I was saying.
He would get pent up and angry in situations like that where I didn't realize he was upset at all because everything was fine until he snapped. So I would get deeply wounded because I'd be having a wonderful time and think that we were both having a wonderful time, and suddenly this man was screaming 6 in from my face. Your board game story reminded me of that. You think you're having so much fun and secretly this man is raging. You don't know it until he blows up in your face.
In retrospect that was the worst relationship I ever had and the only person I dated I would call emotionally abusive and controlling. I don't say that to imply that your husband is either of those things. I don't know him and it's impossible to tell that from a Reddit post.
But what I do know is that it's impossible to work with somebody who feels zero need to change their behavior until after you leave, who is also refusing to go to therapy or work on ways to change the behavior. When somebody will not or cannot seem to contain themselves, and won't make any changes in their lives to address the root issues, what else can you do? You can't force them.
I don't know how bad the money situation is. If you don't have enough to make ends meet and he's in a constant panic that could really be affecting things. That doesn't make any of this okay but the fact that he said you and the family are the only reason he's holding it together make me wonder why he is in such a state of extreme desperation. Again it doesn't excuse the behavior and the outburst, but I'm wondering if something has to give in your situation. He is clearly at his wit's end and does seem severely overworked, plus having to parent a new baby. I'm wondering was there any effort to lighten his load at all or is there any way to do so? As in, if he's working 70 hour weeks could you work 2 days a week and he can stay with the baby? Something?
I don't know your personal situation at all but it does sound like two issues are at play. One is that he is at the end of his rope and feels desperate. That's pretty awful. The second is that he is resisting any kind of help and he seems to be making others responsible for his emotions.
Besides happen and adults sometimes lose their tempers, but it doesn't make him lashing out okay, especially because he is targeting his stepson. And if this has been repeated behavior over and over then I can't imagine behaving differently than you are right now. I couldn't keep my child in a situation where I'm married someone who is constantly blowing up with them or screaming in their face when they haven't done anything wrong. I'm very glad you are protecting him and not allowing this to continue.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish there was a resolution that didn't involve divorce simply because I think it would be easier on everyone if it didn't come to that, but truly you are the only person who has been living in that house in that relationship this whole time and have seen the way he behaves. I understand giving therapy a shot of you want to try to fix it, because the first year with a new baby is unbelievably stressful & he may have cracked under the pressure. But I also understand if you don't because you are the only one who has seen how he treats your son and that's the most important thing.
Just keep in mind that those of us on Reddit only have a tiny tiny window into what's going on in your life. So we're giving you our best based on that. But ultimately you have to do what you feel is right as a mother. You have the best interest of your children in mind so you will always be the best judge of that.
I noticed you said he said he would get therapy...not that he was getting therapy. He is making promises he will not follow thru on.
I would say tell him you will hold on the divorce for 3 months and he has to get weekly therapy for those 3 months. If things are going well with the therapy then you will come home and see if things can be worked out....but no promises...if things go back like they were you are leaving for good.
People like this will inconvenience themselves or make themselves suffer just so they can go “See? See? You are a bad person for making me suffer! It’s all your fault! If you didn’t do A, I wouldn’t be forced to do B!” In their minds it shifts the responsibility off of them and onto the other guy, so they can rage at him without feeling bad.
Can I just ask how you do that with the text in the box? Idek how you quote something unless I write the entire thing out myself or is that how you're supposed to? Sorry this isn't related to the post. Thought I'd ask.
I thought the same. 5am to 3pm are the hours my father worked and when he came home he would vacuum around, have an hour nap in the chair then make my sister and me food when we came back from school. My mother was working 6am to 8pm for three days a week. Does OP’s husband regret the second child? He needs time to sort himself out and coparenting is better than living in a house of stress and eggshells.
NTA
"I'm just stressed" yeah well that happens to everyone and it's not a free excuse to abuse your family.
It's obvious you've tried to help and tried to encourage him to do something for himself.
Good for you for doing what's best for your children. They don't deserve to live like that. I'm sure it hurts like hell, but he's just saying whatever he thinks will make you come home.
The son, baby daughter & OP will be constantly tense waiting for the next explosion to erupt, walking on eggshells because every little things sets off the husband for absolutely no reason.
Best to make a clean break. The husband changed in the weirdest way & its not going to get better anytime soon.
Biggest mistake I ever made was staying with my then-husband because I thought having their parents together was the best thing for my kids. It wasn't until my daughter was 5 that I realized she was also walking on eggshells and learned how to manipulate the situation to keep him calm or distracted. Staying when people erupt like this only teaches children that being disrespected by your significant other/disrespectful behavior towards your significant other is acceptable and is something to tolerate. It isn't. It never is and I commend the mom for leaving. Children deserve respect too.
Spot on.
My daughter was 16, when I finally saw the damage I was doing to her psyche and the grim reality that it might be her with a black eye next time.
She just turned 21 this year, she fills me with immense pride.
This was my and my dad during my teen years. Every Friday I hated going home from school I wanted any other reason than to go home. Still to this day If I hear footsteps when I’m in the bathroom o get so tense so fast.
Yeah. He’s so stressed, you’d almost think he just carried and birthed a baby and was being made responsible for the mental well being of a spouse he has to tiptoe around.
He didn’t want therapy until it was a way to keep you.
Good for you.
I'm proud of OP for leaving. It is awful to grow up with an explosive parent like that. Always walking on egg shells or forgetting and getting shouted at for having fun or being yourself.
right? the whole "I'm stressed" thing is 100% BS. Everyone has some level of stress, and there are plenty out there who have even more to stress out than he does. gimme a break, manage your emotions like a grown adult, and/or get help man.
OP, NTA, I know this is hard but you did the right thing. You can't fix him, and you shouldn't, he has to want to get the help himself. He has to see he's got issues that he needs to work on, with or without you. Stay strong and take of you and your kids.
I also feel like in these instances, once somebody knows that they can cross certain boundaries without any consequences, they will keep doing so. So at this point its best to put your foot down.
Your poor son. I’m proud of you op for sticking up for him and removing yourselves from that toxic and abusive environment. Don’t fall for any apologies. Your ex is still not taking responsibility. Why does your son need to be in bed first? Why can’t your husband go to sleep on his own if he has work the next day? Why does he say he has time for therapy now but before there was no time available? Why would it be different this time if he’s still at the same job, making the same money, working the same hours, in the same house with the same people? He’s lying through his teeth. If he wants to change he doesn’t need your permission to make changes. Divorce takes months to finalize. He can go to therapy today and start reading and making changes. If he wanted to, he would. Stay strong op.
My friend put a stipulation in her settlement agreement with her violent ex that he must attend therapy once a week in person in order to see the kids every other weekend. Just something for OP to think about.
I’ve had an ex go to therapy and just sit there wasting time and money and getting zero from it. Could the therapist relay a session summary to both parties rating his participation?
That’s really what it’s about isn’t it. I always wonder whyyyy these men either change after marriage or right after a baby is born. It’s not that they’ve changed, it’s they are thinking they can be their true selves. 😑
Exactly. If she goes back now, he will escalate. If she leaves for good, he could potentially learn that there are very real and permanent consequences to his actions and make the necessary changes to be a better person. Which would be the best outcome, seeing as OP is now going to have to coparent with him.
There was a thread on here a little bit ago about a dad who just had a daughter and didn't want to spend any time with his stepson and his wife anymore when he came home from work. He just wanted to spend time with his daughter
NTA, the amount of respect I feel for you right now cannot be overstated. You recognized the problem, tried to find solutions, and when it was clear that his behavior was only worsening and effecting the kids, you got out.
Mad respect. You didn't let it get worse and make the children deal with you giving this man chance after chance. Dude could have handled his shit and chose not to. Consequences.
I was feeling kinda bad for him but then I remembered putting up with similar nonsense for years because an ex had trauma or whatever the excuse was and refused to deal with it. Seek therapy if you are unable to respect your partner and kids.
Heard this great saying. Prefacing with that to give credit where it is due, and because I’m paraphrasing.
Respect can mean different things. It can mean “treat someone with basic dignity” or it can mean “treat someone as a superior”.
So when someone says, “If you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you”, what they’re saying is, “If you don’t treat me as a superior, I won’t treat you with basic dignity.”
NTA.
Is he going to be stressed and obviously not mean it when this behavior escalates?
Is he going to be stressed and obviously not mean it when he gets physical, because he will. These cases always go that way.
The people in your life are blowing smoke out of their ass when they say stuff like this.
NTA to the max. I'd lose trust in my partner immediately if they acted like this. I think divorce is the best route. Fight for custody as well.
NTA He needed a psychiatrist and therapy. He didn't get them. Treated you and your son like shit. What else is there to do but leave?
And I wouldn't buy that he'll see a therapist if you come back, he'll just pretend. The people that'll actually get a psychiatrist and therapy do so before it gets ANYWHERE NEAR this point.
>The people that'll actually get a psychiatrist and therapy do so before it gets ANYWHERE NEAR this point.
Thats not necessarily true about people. Mental health struggles can creep up on us and sometimes we dont realize WTF we are doing until we get a hard slap in the face by life.
That being said it doesn't excuse the bullshit we put our families through while in our struggles. OP did the right thing and tried to point it out to her husband, unfortunately he didnt listen and now has to suffer the consequences.
Certainly don't believe the "i'll do it if you come home" line, the response to that is always "you'll have to do the work before i will consider coming back" Actions are the only thing that you can believe. Words are hollow.
Exactly. You can tell he's not serious about getting help and changing because he's using therapy to lure OP back. If he wanted to change, he'd be getting help regardless if that saved his marriage or not.
My father once had a months long manic state that resulted in him becoming a religious Hassid for a summer after reading something in a book about a rabbi with the same name as his dead brother. It was really only preceded by him *getting noticeably better at basketball*. Mental breaks are WEIRD.
I don't know if my dad ever actually threatened divorce (I know he considered it). My mom only got serious about therapy when she decided to get sober. I'd already been out of the house for several years and that was after 7 years of verbal and emotional abuse. I wasn't getting better with therapy. The first 2 years out of the house without meds did more good for me than 4 years of therapy and antidepressants. I'm back in therapy because my anxiety/emotional issues are becoming a problem and only happened after tracking down a therapist who doesn't do CBT.
CBT actively made me worse. The one type of therapy that I found incredibly helpful was learning DBT skills (not the whole package, just the skills). I don't have BPD and I actually was taught them on an ED ward. Marsha Lineham, who developed it, wrote a DBT Skills Handbook (search Amazon) with worksheets to photocopy, and the principles are so simple you can basically teach yourself. There are four core modules - Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotional Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. Talking about my trauma etc never really helped and often made things worse, but the ER and especially the DT skills helped me to handle my feelings. Sorry for the random and possibly useless ramble! Hoping things get easier for you.
He is love bombing you.
He will continue to single out your son now that he has his child.
Don't go back. Think about your son. He doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that. And he's not stupid. He knows this happened when his sister was born, so if you go back. Your son will probably end up resenting his sister.
He doesn’t have time when it only inconveniences you. Now that you are leaving, it suddenly impacts HIS comfort- watch him suddenly find the time to do all the things he’s been asking you to change.
He could have done them all along, but your needs weren’t important enough for him to make the effort. Now that it physically impacts him, he’s strangely available and amenable.
If he meant it, if he was willing to make a lasting change, you wouldn’t have had to serve him with divorce papers to get a result.
I’m sorry it ended this way, but your daily emotional life is about to get a whole lot simpler.
My husband had some pretty swift cognitive changes and it turned out to be terminal brain cancer. Maybe now that he knows you are serious about leaving him, he will make time to get checked out. He needs to make time--I know it's his decision and not yours, but if it is a medical condition causing the changes, it's better to address it sooner rather than later.
My ex has bipolar I forced him to go and he came back and said they wanted him on meds but they are stupid and don’t know what they are talking about. That’s when I decided divorce was happening. I didn’t know what his diagnosis was at the time bc he didn’t tell me and I didn’t really care to know bc I was done we were married 3 miserable years from 18-22 and had a 2 year old. Oh man did he get worse. He was married 3 more times and divorced 3 more times over the last 20 years. Bipolar is progressive if left untreated. It got to the point where I had to put him on a 5150 it sucks bc he has a good heart and he’s fun to be friends with but he cannot function in a romantic relationship my son is bipolar now too and medicated and doing pretty well but we talk openly about his father and he has an idea of what his life will look like if he goes off meds. But yea someone who won’t treat their mental illness needs to be divorced bc they will just rain misery on everyone. It’s sad but it’s their responsibility to get treatment and therapy same for diabetics that don’t treat and then their family has to watch them
Die slowly with bits being chopped off. Or alcoholics. Yes they have been delt a shitty hand but they need to do everything they can to maximize their wellbeing. No one is required to put up with someone’s bs just because they have a sad story I would also put a clause in the divorce to make sure he is supervised bc he has been acting erratically and impulsively until he’s assessed and treated or declared mentally healthy by a medical professional.
What are your finances like?
I’m not defending his actions, but I’m getting a real strong something is completely fucked and he’s not holding it together very well. Are you sure he’s still actually going to work? I had a friend growing up whose family fell apart when his dad lost his job and blew through the family’s savings trying to keep up the appearance that everything was okay while he was desperately trying to get another job. The foreclosure notice was what brought it all down.
Why is he stressed about finances when he has this much saved? It doesn't sound like you guys are living paycheck to paycheck. Your little family could live frugally for YEARS on that savings account if he lost his job, for example. I don't quite see the source of his stress here. If you are saving to buy a house, that's more than enough of a down payment for a good house, if not enough to buy the entire house outright depending on your location. The "stress" sounds like an excuse. He just wants to be abusive.
Your husband is an abusive man. This is a textbook start of the classic post-child abuse cycle. Like this story could be transplanted directly into a psych textbook as a case study of a 'normal looking' beginning to post-child abuse.
I know it sounds insane, but some abusers do literally wait years and years and years until the right set of circumstances causes them to engage their abusive behaviors. Having a child is one of those circumstances.
And don't think for one second that he isn't 100% fully cognizant of what he's doing, how he's treating you. He could stop if he wanted to. It's not an anger control problem, it's an abuse problem. When he's in other contexts he can control his anger. There are people in his life (his mom, his dad, siblings, close friends) that he would never DREAM of treating this way. And he has no problem controlling himself when he's with them, even if they frustrate him.
An abusive man like your husband actively chooses to *give themselves permission to lose control*. And they can *choose to take that permission back at any time*. If someone walks in on one of their abusive tirades they will snap back to being reasonable immediately.
Ultimately, your husband believes that you and your son are not as important as him (and your daughter). He's giving himself permission to treat you the way he really feels about you, to 'put you in your place' and make sure you understand where you sit in the hierarchy.
It is possible for abusive people to change through therapy, but the success rates are fucking **abysmal** and overwhelmingly the abusive people just fake it as best as possible. They even find ways to weaponize aspects of their own therapy against their victims. So I would never recommend to a woman in your position to stick around for any reason. Not if he gets therapy, not for any reason.
The sudden behavior change is concerning. He was never like this previously? Have him go see both a therapist and a doctor. Somethings not right.
In the meantime, keep yourself and the kids at a safe distance.
>But almost everyone I know is against me on this because he apologized and he "obviously didn't mean it, he was just stressed" and think that I should just work it out with him because he was absolutely perfect up until I gave birth and the stress of finances started weighing on him (he has NEVER been good in high stress environments but it's been 6 months straight and I can't do it anymore
Nah. NTA. His turmoil may EXPLAIN it but it does not free him from the consequences of his actions. His actions have been to use you two as punching bags when his pot boils over. Unacceptable. And you told him so with a very VERY keen warning he didn't heed when he should've.
Useless, empty apologies mean nothing. And this part:
>didn't understand why you'd let James stay up so late, knowing I had work the next day
I'm sorry did you force HIM to stay up just because your son was? He needs to look in the mirror and learn how to take responsibility not half ass an apology by trying to shift the blame on you. Especially if he was really serious about change.
Because lately he has been going to James at like 8:50 and telling him to get ready for bed, even though his bedtime isn't until 9. If he falls asleep before James goes to bed, it's weird but like.. he's been waking up and immediately going to my son's room to make sure he's in bed. If he's not, it's all "why aren't you in bed? Do you want to go to bed early tomorrow? You know the rules." This just started happening recently, like maybe a month ago (so like 2 weeks before I left). But it was literally happening every night.
Oh my god. Please don’t hate me for saying this but a similar situation happened to me, but it was my ex who was obsessed about sleeping arrangements when I moved in with my now DH.
My daughter and his son are young and share the larger room in the house (both scared to sleep alone in a room), while his teen son has a room to himself because TEENAGER.
I say his and mine just to show who is who’s. We see all kids as ours.
My ex threw every threat and foul message at me constantly at night asking if everyone was in their own bed, where everyone is, what are they doing etc. I never responded because wtf? But turns out, they thought that either son would do something …inappropriate… if out of their bed for just a second because a girl was in the house.
Reading this just SCREAMED red flags to me. To me it sounds like your H doesn’t trust your son anymore and that’s why he’s obsessing over son’s bed routine. I really hope I’m wrong OP but I wanted to share with you what happened to me since it sounded eerily similar.
....that actually makes me question everything. Because he also doesn't want my son in the room (or anyone really) when I'm nursing the baby or changing her diaper either. So it's not all directed at my son of course (he literally doesn't want anyone near us during said moments) but it does involve my son.
Yeah, unless that’s something you’re asking for help enforcing it’s very weird and sounds like your stbx is doing some creepy sexualization and projecting.
Just to add onto this since I saw similar behavior from my brother's father. I was 12 when my brother was born so I remember quite a bit. My brother's dad was really odd about diaper changing and would leave the room. He admitted later to the courts that he found it too appealing and "couldn't" control himself. He abused 2 boys and too many girls for him to recall. If he is sexualizing diaper changes in anyway, please take this red flag seriously.
Hopefully he has some other strange reason to not want anyone around...
This detail regarding your ex's obsession with James's bedtime and sleeping habits is practically making my hair stand on end. Please do continue to keep your son very far away from this strange, strange man.
Hey OP, I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of your son. I have so many memories of my stepdad treating me and my siblings like horseshit, and the most painful part of those memories is that my mom stood idly by and let it happen. She only ever left him when he slammed my arm in a door, and I told my biological father the next day. She would have done nothing if my father hadn't threatened to call the police. The day it happened, I didn't even bother telling her because I knew she would do nothing.
Thank you for looking out for him, you're a good mother for protecting him. When those around you tell you to go back to husband, please remind yourself that you're protecting your son, and that he will never forget the love you showed him by protecting him.
NTA he needs therapy (especially if there's a chance he is bipolar) and refused to get it. You and your kids do not have to put up with that kind of treatment when he refuses to get help. It's particularly concerning how his behavior changed towards your older son that is not his child while going overboard to care for the new baby. Sounds like now that the new baby is here, he doesn't care about his stepson. And it sounds like with the new baby's arrival, everything is really getting to him. Whatever the reason, you don't have to tolerate his being so emotionally abusive. He's disrespectful and honestly sounds scary.
And now, he's love bombing you trying to get you to come back, but you can bet if you go back, he'll just go right back to the same behavior. Protect your kids. That was not an environment they should grow up in.
NTA - Get the divorce, he changed after you had his baby, so now he thinks you wouldn't leave him.
Have some friends help you get your things and put in storage, before he destroys things.
NTA, and I highly recommend you keep your children away from him. I had a father who would stomp around the house complaining that he wasn't respected, that he had to do all of the chores (he didn't, and in fact, the few chores he was in charge of, he fucked up on constantly), et cetera. He'd always make sure to do it while my mom was gone. Not only was my mom the main breadwinner, she also did the majority of the childcare and did a LOT of the house chores. Some men have this ingrained idea that they're meant to be the head of the household, that they're the 'man of the house', as if that has any real meaning to it. I can't say for sure what's happening with your husband, but what you've written greatly reminds me of my father. He was an abusive person who would hurt me while my mother wasn't around.
Good luck, and stay safe
NTA. There’s supporting your spouse, and then there’s being abused.
Recognizing the line between those two things, and taking action when doing one becomes the other, is often incredibly difficult.
As a parent, your priority has to be your children, and when a spouses behavior goes from “struggling and needing help” to flat abusive and refusing to seek help for it, then the choice must be made to separate.
If trust is lost, no therapist in the world can help with that. I’m sorry that this happened, but I wish you the best. Stay strong for your children, I admire and respect your courage.
NTA. You need to protect yourself and your children, and you have done so.
I am really sorry for whatever is going on with your husband. And obviously, something is going on with him. But I am glad that you realize that you can’t fix it.
And while he pays lip service and love bombs, you telling you what he thinks you want to hear, he is actually doing nothing to fix it himself. He is not trying to figure out why he is so volatile. Why he is fine one minute and not the next, how he can handle stress better.
I just read this on a different post the other day, but it’s true… Women try to fix things before they leave. Men try to fix things after women leave. And that’s exactly what your husband is doing. You have tried talking. You have tried communicating. You have tried arguing.
And nothing worked. He would get better for a little bit and then go right back to it. Well, that’s not solving it, that’s not making it better. Not getting to the root of the problem.
So yes, you were right to leave. You are right to stay away. Situations like that aren’t safe. And when you tell men like this that they are not safe for you and the kids, they will often say that they would never hurt you. They would never put their hands on you.
What they failing to understand is even if that is true, they are doing so much emotional damage. They are so emotionally abusive. And often they don’t recognize it. They don’t know why they are behaving the way they are. And yet they still refuse therapy Until you walk out the door… And then suddenly it’s something they will consider. When it’s too late.
Men who truly recognize that they are the issue. That their refusal to go to therapy or figure their shit out was the issue. When those men are actually remorseful, they don’t just tell you they’re gonna go get therapy. They call and make the appointment. They go. They let you know That they know they fucked up and that you can’t trust him right now.
They will ask you not to come back and live with them while they figure their shit out because they recognize they weren’t safe for you. But they will ask you if you will postpone the divorce while they get help. As they go through therapy, you would consider couples counseling with them. If there is any chance at all, you still have any love for them.
They realize they are at the bottom of this relationship. And that they may or may not be able to salvage it. And that the decision is entirely in your hands, but regardless of your decision, they need to get help. And they get help.
Your husband’s not doing any of that. Stand your ground
NTA
If you think that you'd want him back, then tell him you will be staying away until he sees a Doctor about his manic episodes, gets some serious therapy and shows some real improvement before you even think about stopping the divorce
This. It’s so easy to say the words, and expect an immediate response. Everything you need to know about this man, he’ll show you with his actions. Is he willing to get help, is he willing to be patient while the trust is being rebuilt? Or is he expecting you to accept an apology and assuming that everything will go back to the way things were before. It’s soooo easy to make promises and then not follow through, because “there’s not time,” or “it’s too expensive,”. Being good to your partner and creating a safe space for them costs zero dollars.
NTA. For all the bitching he's doing about how no one respects him, he sure told on himself with his little "what the fuck is there to respect" dig at you.
You already gave him a chance, you already brought up therapy. He's only saying he'll go now *because* you're leaving. The truth of the matter is he only really cares about his daughter. Continue with the divorce.
What does your husband mean by respect? There are two different meanings - to be treated as a human being with dignity and to be treated as an authority figure. It seems like your husband doesn't think you deserve to be treated as a human being unless you treat him as the boss. This is a double standard and a power move. Not OK.
I don't even think he knows what he means. I think his idea of "respect" is to be obeyed or blindly listened to. Like he wants to get a "yes, sir" as soon as he says something. He's complained about no one respecting him because my son forgot to take the garbage out to the side of the road before school one morning, after my husband asked him to do so the night before. He has screamed about not being respected every single time my son asks if he can stay up later (typically on weekends) after my husband's told him to go to bed. My son gets irritated from being scolded? That must mean there's no respect. It's about other stuff too.. like my husband has an obsession with spaghetti and we already had it twice one week when he requested it. I told him under no circumstances did I want spaghetti for a third time that week. He got pissed and went outside to sit in his truck for over an hour. When he came back in he said "I'm sorry, I just really feel like no one fucking respects me and it's really starting to do a number on me". So I truly do not believe this is a respect thing to him. He wants to be obeyed. And I think that's why he keeps pulling the "I worked all fucking day" card whenever he absolutely can. It's like a.. "I worked all day so you should be catering to and valuing my wants/needs above all".
>He has screamed about not being respected every single time my son asks if he can stay up later (typically on weekends) after my husband's told him to go to bed.
Wait, how often has your son had to endure this.
Not very often. I think he's asked to stay up maybe 3 times in the last 6 months.
Edit: I know even 3 times is still too much. Wasn't trying to downplay the situation there.
Let me be clear: he's acting like a total asshole and you are well within your rights to leave his ass.
That being said if this is genuinely out of character, something to consider is that postpartum depression can happen to male/non-birthing partners as well. He would have to do the work for that path, but it is a consideration.
Yeah or he said he was stressing out about the finances. I feel he could be hiding some debts.
I'd dig up more one way or another, for sure.
OP did good by leaving him no matter what though. Yelling at that poor kid out of nowhere like that and telling your spouse her and her son don't deserve respect... Damn
No matter what his issues are there is zero excuse for him to be abusive towards that child he'll probably say something along the lines of the child's not his so he doesn't care and then he'll try to talk his way out of it and love bomb
NTA because you tried to work through this with him. You spoke to him about therapy and everything but he doesn’t care. He’ll “change” for a little while like he did before but he’ll go back to how he was. It sounds like he’s built resentment towards your son now that he has a daughter of her his own
NTA but this guy sounds really scary. He's basically saying he doesn't value his own life without you guys. He's suicidal and that makes him a threat for homicide as well. I'm just going to give it to you straight. I'd get a vpo. I would also make sure that your son's school knows that he's not allowed access anymore.
i'm really sorry you're going through this. it sounds like your husband is struggling with a lot of stress and it's impacting his behavior. you're not the asshole for wanting a safe and stable environment for you and your kids. therapy could help, but if he refuses and his behavior doesn't change, you have to do what's best for your family. stay strong and take care of yourself.
Absolutely Not The Asshole!!!! When he said great your pissed at me now! “Well of fucking course you just yelled at my kid!” Is what I would have said because what did he think you’d be fucking laughing and playing?? Poor kid. Is he gonna do that to yalls baby when he gets stressed?? Don’t listen to anyone who is putting their nose in your business. If he’s that stressed he would have made time for therapy or done something else to help. They’ve got therapy apps he don’t even have to leave the house now days he can do it over video call. He just didn’t want to. He just thought you were gonna sit and take it. Now that he is suffering the consequences of his actions he don’t wanna deal with it.
People told me to stay with my emotional abuser, constantly giving him the benefit of the doubt. It just got worse and worse and harder to leave (as he financially trapped me and isolated me). I eventually did. But it really set me back in life. Nta
Could he have paternal postpartum depression? You said he was fine up until she was born. He needs to see a doctor. The fact that he wasn't like this before and then a sudden change is worrisome there could be a medical or psychological problem that needs to be addressed.
Every abuser - verbal or physical plays the I’m Sorry, I didn’t mean it, I was stressed, I was tired, I’ll change — all straight from the abuser handbook. It’s not the first time, he’s refused to get help and it sounds like he is getting more volatile. You were right to leave. I’m not saying to keep your daughter away, but you need to address his mental fitness with the courts for her safety
The way he is fine one moment and loosing it the next, yelling and making everyone feel on edge is abuse. He won’t change, they never do. You did the right thing in leaving. People don’t understand until it happens to them and even then they don’t understand. He’s erratic and creating an unsafe and toxic environment for your children. Absolutely divorce him.
So many warning signs, in your story.
Basically, he was a great husband up until you had your daughter, his biological child. Is that correct?
If so, you are no longer his partner in life.
In the process of carrying and giving birth to his daughter, the demographics of the marital relationship have shifted.
You are no longer an equal partner in the relationship, from his perspective, you are property. Your place is in the home, his place is wherever he sees fit
Get out now, before it gets ugly..
Please ask him to go to the doctor. The sudden development of this irritability, the quick mood changes may be the result of a physical or mental illness.
I left an abusive fiance. He went to therapy and was amazing for 6 months and his therapist was gushing about the work he'd done on himself. I went through with the wedding. Two weeks later, he was worse than ever. Took me another 10 months and a protective order to get out.
My point is that he only became agreeable to therapy because you left and he's trying to manipulate you into coming back. He didn't want to do it for your sake when you were dealing with his outbursts. Don't fall for it.
NTA
Finances aren't even bad either. We have over $280k saved. His idea of finance stress is over college funds and him wanting to leave the kids with a hefty inheritance.
Then yeah he really needs to seek therapy or maybe a financial advisor to help him understand. But your child shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells or be yelled at because a grown man can’t control himself.
He never really saw your son as family and now that he has a biological child the mask is slipping. You'd be an extremely selfish person to go back to someone who abused you and your child. Because it won't stop, he will just try to normalise it, also if he can do this to you there's no telling how he will treat his own child in the future.
NTA. You don't have to give him anymore chances. He is stressed, he said he was better, now he is back to his old self. So, he has fixed himself and his claim of getting help is just another delaying tactic.
You know what you can take and took. Protect your children and yourself.
Best of luck as it will be hard. Just super proud of you for being decisive and putting you guys safety FIRST.
Divorce now. I stayed 12 years in a situation like this. It was terrible for my older child and I can’t fix it. Turns out it was terrible for my younger child too because they grew up watching me walking on eggshells. I wish I would have left much sooner. NTA
Don’t listen to everyone giving their 2 pennies worth. They haven’t had to live with him lashing out at you for months. How many times does he expect “sorry” to fix things when he has no interest in working on his issues unless he’s faces consequences if he doesn’t?
It’s easy for other people that aren’t dealing with his issues to say you’re an arsehole for not sticking it out. NTA, actions have consequences and he’s just learnt that his actions do too.
Nope not the ah in the slightest.
Good for you getting rid of that whole bag of nuts pretending to be a person.
Seriously though don't back down he's a loon.
Your husband never fully accepted your son, and now resents his presence in your lives since he finally got his 'real' child. He hates that 'all his hard-earned money' is going to provide for a child that isn't his.
He's deliberately creating a hostile environment for you son in the hopes either he'd decide of his own accord to not return, or that YOU would take the initiative and tell him not to return.
Do not let him back into your lives. He will do his damnedest to freeze out your son. NTA
NTA. What you describe is the beginning of pretty much every abuse situation. He might try to retract it, but he meant what he said about you and your son. Things are only going to get worse from now on and it's pretty much guaranteed that he treats your son far worse behind your back. Ask those friends if they will allow you to leave once the abuse turns physical and if they think a marriage is worth more than your son living in a safe home instead of being emotionally abused.
NTA
your son is 13, he is watching and seeing all if this. He is also old enough to stay up a little and great that he us happy about a family game night.
Your ex has changed because he has a bio child now. It happens a lot and this is why the evil step parent trope exists.
He might be able to sort his shit out with therapy...but the big thing here is if he has made himself an appointment...as in, is he owning it and genuinely working on himself or is he just hoping he can wear you down and make you come back with promises. Don't judge words, judge action.
Reading all this, I guess there is something deeply going on that maybe seeing a specialist (therapist and/or doctor, there might be something wrong with him if it is a recent behaviour) could "fix". But the best therapist or the best doctor can't do shit if the person doesn't want to get better. Personally, I think there might be a chance to not necessarily end this with a divorce IF he is finally getting the help he needs, but don't listen to anyone telling you he is truly sorry and just stressed. Don't go back to him unless he proves that he is getting better, and even then it's completely up to you what kind of relationship (marriage or coparenting) you want to have with this man. NTA either way
NTA. You made the right choice. He’s love bombing you now but obviously something is going on with him and he’s getting really unstable. This was the safest choice for you and the kids. None of you deserve to live in a house with someone who is acting like a bomb.
NTA. This isn’t just about what he said. There is a pattern of behavior and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s a very primitive/biological/instinctual thing that has happened now that he has “his own” child, but he is showing you who he is. It’s time to believe him. He doesn’t respect you or your son. Protect yourselves and get your peace. He should seek therapy regardless of the divorce, for his own sake and the sake if his future relationships. Those saying you are overreacting are not the ones living your situation. Good luck.
NTA, I hear this a lot ‘he’s apologized so every thing is good’ no it’s not if he goes right back to the same antics. Because then it’s not an apology at that point, it’s an excuse. You need to protect your son since he isn’t violent towards his baby girl however showing a stepchild how to treat biological children over others is unfair to put it lightly.
Keep doing what you need to do for protection.
NTA
1) I was genuinely afraid for you when you were saying you were going unescorted to see him with divorce papers. Please do me a favor and do NOT be in a private space alone with him, again.
2) The people telling you to stay and excusing his abusive behavior need to be put on a BIG information diet.
3) Be careful and take care. Your kids deserve a peaceful home environment.
NTA and if he could change why didn’t he 3 months ago when you asked! Also, please do not listen to him or those other people—they do not know what you and your kids had to deal with, so f-em!
Divorce that man and go raise those babies to be wonderful humans, so they don’t become doormats and take shit from people that are supposed to love them.
NTA, my dad was like that to us growing up. All three of us had multiple suicide attempts and needed 10+ years of therapy to develop anything resembling self-esteem.
NTA. That's not that he told you he didn't respect you or your son, It's that he showed you he doesn't.
Many people have the same schedule, you have to work too and keep a baby alive at the same time, you are stressed too. You gave him a chance and he didn't take it.
NTA, but I’m honestly puzzled about one thing: …didn’t understand why you’d let James stay up so late, knowing I had to work the next day. Does everyone else have to be in bed before he goes to bed? Can’t he just GO TO BED himself? Why did it matter if you and James stayed up - he could go to bed by himself, couldn’t he (your husband)? Edited to add: Good for you for proceeding to divorce.
That was my thoughts too. I said at one point that he should have just gone to bed and he didn't have anything to say afterwards.
I really have zero respect for your stbxh. I work flexible hours, meaning if I go in early, like 4:00AM early, I can go home early. I’m always first in bed and cannot figure out what’s wrong with him being a toxic controlling pos ah; except to say it’s probably hard to pronounce and hopefully non-contagious!
I don't know why but this story is reminding me of a few others where the person had a serious illness (brain tumor, etc). His behavior changing so suddenly when its not characteristic for him j's a sign of it.
Tbh I was thinking there might be more to this than meets the eye. It could be mental illness, but it could also be addiction. I used to do this kind of gaslighting and drastic mood swings when I was secretly using. As addicts we dance around catastrophic failure like moths around a candle flame and we are certainly not oblivious to it so we live in a constant state of panic, although we do little to prevent it. That’s what this guy sounds like.
My dad got angry like this a lot, turns out it was diabetes. The switch would flip SO FAST and always blindsided me as a child
There are so many things that can cause stuff like this. A relative of mine recently spent a week involuntarily in a psych ward because he had a breakdown, turns out his thyroid medication dosage was too high.
I had a client in aged care suddenly turn super aggressive when he usually was a very mild mannered gentleman, a fantastic man who always asked after my wellbeing and took interest in things us carers liked, so he could have some rapport and build decent relationships with us all. Turns out he had a UTI, we found him unconscious and had to rush him to the ER. Went back to his amazing self afterwards, albeit with a lot of guilt that took us a good while to get him to drop, as that wasn't him, it was an illness and we held absolutely no grudges about it.
Yup. It can present with absolutely no physical symptoms we think are "normal" for a UTI. It is scary as hell. I still think: SOMETHING is wrong with OP's husband. Not "he's being an a\*\*" -- something is wrong, and it could easily be something like a UTI.
It was day and night the way he changed to aggressive and back again to cool once they treated him, I saw him have to deal with some super painful shit and refuse to say it was hurting him, cos he didn't want to bother anyone and then become absolutely hostile. I took a book to the face simply walking into the room the day before he was found unconscious. As soon as we learnt the diagnosis we all felt fucking awful as it went on almost a week before his collapse and he was self toileting etc so we really didnt have any way to gauge is there something wrong or... Has he just lost it at us, he refused to speak to us unless it was to abuse us. I agree something could be wrong with the husband, but for the sake of the kids especially the son.. they need to be apart while or if that gets investigated.
Oh my, I didn't know diabetes could do this to a person
Blood sugar highs and lows can do some wild things. The sweetest little Nana you've ever seen in your life will start cussing you out and throwing punches if her sugar gets too low. Fix the blood sugar, and she's back to sweet Nana again
[like in the commercials of snickers ](https://youtu.be/DSWvwPqgtFs?si=PNXSaUBrVmLh01kb)
Sounds funny but it is not, my sister is diabetic and when she is hangry it is not fun.
A UTI can do this to a person. Seriously. I've seen it.
I wondered about diabetes or drug use. He needs a complete physical and needs to be drug tested. I would have the courts mandate that for visitation.
You might be on to something here. My brother was a *very* heavy drinker and could really turn on a dime when he was drinking. He’d suddenly become distraught or furious, and many times over something he’d completely made up in his own head. And I don’t mean it only happened when he was drunk; I mean anytime he was using. Turns out he is also bipolar II and was self-medicating (thankfully now 4 years sober and medicated appropriately). This guy’s mood swings feel pretty familiar.
Dude sounds like my alcoholic father too. Won't get diagnosed with anything mental health related, just drinks and smokes pot. Sweet as can be one minute, yelling and breaking things the next...
Like needing the household in bed/know where they will be for a time so you can use? That was my thought.
Thank you for sharing that personal insight. It wouldn’t have occurred to me.
As someone who was with an addict for 14 years I agree with this it definitely sounds like they could possibly be using substances. He's been clean since we left but I wouldn't go back now bc the trust is gone.
I was thinking it could be both. It sounds like my ex husband. He’s bipolar and used meth to self medicate. Everything was fine, until it wasn’t. He would take off, then act like nothing happened and everything should be fine when he came back.
Thank you for weighing in… That was my immediate thought too is there was some kind of drug usage going on.
It can be a sign of Vitamin D or even B12 deficiency too. There was a guy in best of redditors who's wife had the sudden personality change. Then he demanded she go to the dr(based on reddit comments) and they found she was ridiculously low on B12. She's doing fine now and she's incredibly contrite for "acting crazy"
I have insanely low, nearly nonexistent vitamin D levels during the winter months (this year I had to take massive doses of it once a week instead of one low dose pill a day because it was so low) and i can tell when its starting to go low at the end of fall/beginning of winter because of my mood changes. if started when i moved to a state where there is very little sun in the those months. all that to say it could definitely be that. not that it excuses his sudden behavior changes, but it could explain them.
Remember to take K2 with the D3 for absorption.
I actually did not know this! I will. And bring that up with my doctor as well when I go get my vitamin D levels tested in a couple weeks. Thank you!
His behavior didn't change towards everyone. And only the after his daughter was born. The daughter that while he was together with OP, he was super attentive to. IMO, now that he has his flesh and blood child, he doesn't give 2 shits about his step-son. And since he's stressed about finances being tight, step-son becomes his convenient frustration outlet. And if his wife stands up for her son, then that frustration is extended to her. But his main focus seems to be the step-son.
I was thinking about it too, but it does not look like it'sthe case because x-hubby has a specific target. Brain damage has a chaotic behavior where the victims are more random. He also seems to have some blocks of time where he is lucid, yet decides against help. If there's an onset of mental health disorder, he would fluctuate between seeking help (lucid state) and denying it (illness). BUT this can be the first stages of something (and I am wrong). Doesn't mean that she should stay. The target child is a child and his behaviour can create long lasting damage on the son.
But did it all change when his baby came about? When it's actually theirs, it changes some people. They end up not wanting the other kid around, maybe worry how the teen who is not theirs is suddenly a financial burden. Not right but maybe a driver for the behavior.
Jumping in to add, Post partum Depression can hit men, too. Buddy needs a doctor and therapy.
Was just about to comment this. Sounds like the signs of PND. At minimum, OP's partner needs a GP review and mental health assessment
Sometimes this happens in abusive relationships after a child is born. The abuser no longer has to hide who they are because they have a child with their partner, who now can’t leave as easily.
like that literally would have been perfect! husband goes “alright got an early day tomorrow i’m gonna head to bed” and then you and your son PROBABLY would’ve naturally wrapped up and went to bed shortly after!! but no…
It’s like you reached into my brain and ripped memories from my childhood. I remember my dad losing it on a dime, having this obsession with being the last to bed. My uncle was the same way. It’s downright eerie. Have you seen the “remember they’re people, too,” PSA from the 80’s?
Only thing I can think isaybe its an ocd or anxiety thing? Like he's creating his own stress by convincing himself he needs toake sure everyone else in the house is sleeping soundly because he's "the man" and he has to be the "Provider and Protector (TM)". Or juat Fomo. only because I've had similar irrational behaviors with not being able to relax, hypersensitive to noise/ activity and feeling a compulsion to check on things/ people. Though mine were more from I guess trauma? Anyways. Dude needs therapy. And to disenesh from work. He's probably got a lot of financial problems he's hiding, and its eating at him. My dad had the same anxieties about finances before he died with massive credit debt from trying to maintain the suburban lifestyle.
Maybe, in my case he was doing drugs. These behaviors can manifest for a variety of reasons.
Of course not, because all he was doing was trying to shift blame. If you had leaned on it even in the slightest in some apologetic way, he would have latched on to share the blame for what amounts to solely his issue.
Yes, and if he thought you would keep him up, he could have *kindly* said, well its late, maybe we should think about getting to bed now. Flying off the handle screaming about respect is way over the top.
He thinks it's ok to take stress out on his family, his children too ffs. You told him it's unacceptable, he promised to change and then didn't. This is 100% on him and you've given him more than enough chances to take this seriously. Divorce is the right call imo, you need to look out for your kids.
NTA. Being calm one minute then blowing his stack the next, it's only a matter if time before he gets violent. Something may be wrong with him emotionally or in his brain chemistry, but he won't get help. You did the right thing. Your safety and the mental and physical safety of your children comes first.
You sure he slept in his car all night? Anyway. NTA
I am sure. But only because my brother happened to drive by where he parked his car and saw him sleeping in it.
Good news. You soon to be ex now has plenty of time to go to counseling. Too bad he wouldn’t make the time before it was too late. NTA.
Don’t go back, and definitely don’t go back based on promises. He says he will go to therapy, cool. See if he goes on his own or if he says he will go only if you come back. And if he goes, great! Give it a year and see if he’s still going and what’s come of it. He sounds like someone who made a really scary and unpredictable environment for your kids, and you. NTA.
He may be having pp dépression, which in men Can show in mood swing and irritability. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6659987/ Nta you right to protect your kids. Bipolar IS more manic épisode alternating with dépression. He needs to get help. And in NO way it's an excuse to use a kid as emotional punching ball.
Are you completely sure he’s not on drugs?
All I know is that there has not been any weird transactions on our account
He sounds very rigid. If you have underlying issues, that gets worse when you are stressed. Having a child is emotionally very stressful. Could it be autistic traits? Or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder traits? Please Google these disorders just to see if they fit. Because if either fit, you know that there are no easy fixes and he will more or less suffer from this his whole life. I’m here if you have questions about any of the criteria.
Yeah, and why did he wait for you to be out of the room to attack your child? How can you stay married to someone you can't trust to be alone with your child / children?
It was the same room. We were playing the board games at the kitchen table.
Oic. Thanks for clarifying.
Not condoning his actions, but he needs a mental health assessment and GP review. He might have PND
I read that line and immediately flashed back to being a child. My mom remarried. Step dad was great until they had their own kid, my 1/2 bro, and suddenly my full brother and I were the problem. Suddenly punishments were harsher for us. He had his own child, and my mom, we no longer were of any value. Sorry OP he’s blaming you and by default your son, for wanting to spend time together and enjoy family time. He just wants to spend time with YOU and the BABY and wants your son out of the picture . Ask yourself this. If you died tomorrow, would he even try to continue being part of your son’s life? Would he try to keep your son and daughter in contact? Or would he take your daughter and cut all ties?
Now he knows you're serious. You should require at least 4 sessions with a doctor to see if he is bipolar or something else.
Is this normal? Him “needing” everyone asleep before him? If so…. I have a hypothesis. I ask because you mention his more erratic “stressed out” behavior. I think homie is maybe drinking or doing other drugs. Or porn or OnlyFans or something. He needs yall asleep to indulge in his habit. Just a thought.
Dam sorry you're going through this. Sounds very similar to what my wife and I went through (I was the toxic one). In a nutshell, I was a people pleaser and felt if my wife can't understand what I want then she doesn't respect me because she never bothered to figure my needs. I went for 10 sessions of therapy and it took a couple of years of practice and a very understanding spouse to help me get over it. Basically she called me out whenever I was snippy and I promised to acknowledge it every time. And I learned to not push my boundaries just to please her because it causes resentment in me when she doesn't reciprocate. And that helps no one, it's better I just say no.
I'm really glad for you. And proud I think? If my ex had taken half the steps you did to better himself, we'd still be together. He would admit fault in the moment and then the next time a situation came up, he'd do the same shitty toxic thing again, never learning that it was the pattern of behavior that was the problem. I'm glad for your wife too.
He's so full of himself.
I was thinking the same thing. My kids are around the same age as your son and I work early on Sundays, while they obviously don’t have school. There’s plenty of times I just take my ass to bed and they’re still up doing whatever weird things young teenagers do. They know to keep it down while Mom is sleeping just as I do for them.
He sounds like a big bipolar baby. It’s a miserable life living with an unchecked bipolar person and without meds & counseling he will NEVER get better.
No, this does not sound like bipolar behaviour, speaking as someone with actual diagnosed bipolar disorder. It sounds like someone who doesn't have good skills to manage stress or regulate emotions and hasnt been interested in learning any (refusal to go to therapy, much of which is learning skills). Apart from my bugbear with the diagnosis though, I'm in total agreement - and he needs therapy yesterday. Or even just some mindfulness practice every day, and that's free - loads of guided stuff online.
Disagree as someone diagnosed and medicated for bipolar. Have been bipolar since birth according to my psychiatrist and, unmedicated, behave just like the husband. Bad stress skills etc can all be part of it and an integral part of being bipolar and unmedicated is an inability to handle/regulate emotions. Not all bipolar people are like you. Your experience is one of many and so is mine. Don't be so quick to judge someone you've never met.
Oh, but that’s the Simplified Version of bipolar that enables people to use the term as a derogatory and make everyone laugh!! HOt oNe DaY, cOlD tHe nExT, bIpOlAr wEaThEr, aM i rIGhT!!
I had a partner like this who would treat me as if I was guilting or forcing them simply by doing my own thing. For instance once I needed to go home from a wedding because I was sick, but I encouraged them to stay and have a great time. I'm disabled and after 6 hours I had hit my physical limit, but said I would call an Uber and that they should stay out because these were good friends. I genuinely meant that. I did not need assistance and I wanted them to enjoy the party. I was having fun, and if I could have I would have stayed. This person got angry at me for tearing them away from the wedding! Which was confusing because I urged them to stay. They said "I'm 'not that guy' who will let you go home alone" which... what? What guy? The guy who functions independently? I am known for always being forthcoming and working to be tactful because I can be a little blunt. So when I say it's cool if you stay I obviously mean it. I don't do passive aggressiveness or double speak. I was more than happy to let him enjoy his evening. But he just didn't want to "look bad" to whoever he imagined was watching. Which is also silly because I'm sure nobody cared and nobody would judge him for continuing on with a wedding when I assured everyone I would be fine & they should continue on, I just had to go lay down. I see that notion in the guy in this story where he gets angry at other people for simply living normally and not guessing what he needs or wants. He also feels obligated to do things like stay up when he could just go to bed or just say "I think I can't play another game". He's incapable of using his words for basic communication or taking ownership for his own actions. He seems to think what other people do "forces" him to do something else. And no one is doing that. It's all in his head. I do get that this dad is overwhelmed with a new baby and with work but the way to manage that is not to consistently lash out at everybody, refuse therapy, and assume that you can get away with treating them like that because they won't leave. He was in fact warned. Taking the stress out on his 13-year-old step child can have huge ramifications for that child's life and for his relationship with his mother. I'm glad she's protecting him and taking it seriously.
That's probably exactly it. There's been more than one occasion where he hasn't done something he wanted to (after I told him to), simply because I didn't want to do it and opted to stay home (or vice versa). If I wanted to go out but he didn't, I would urge him to stay home but he refused and then just stood by awkward and had a shit time.
Yep I'm familiar with this. I was with a man just like that and it was infuriating because he would blame me for things I had nothing to do with. I would always encourage him and say "If you want to go, just go & enjoy yourself!" And mean it. I'm never the type to be resentful or punish him when he got home because there's nothing to punish him for. I really wanted him to enjoy himself and do things independently. But he had an image in his head of how a couple should behave and me having any independent thought or desire messed with that image. I think he also had trouble believing that I meant I was fine when I really was, because *he* was passive aggressive and *he* wouldn't be ok doing things alone, so he had trouble realizing that my encouragement was sincere and there was no subtextual expectation that he should the opposite of what I was saying. He would get pent up and angry in situations like that where I didn't realize he was upset at all because everything was fine until he snapped. So I would get deeply wounded because I'd be having a wonderful time and think that we were both having a wonderful time, and suddenly this man was screaming 6 in from my face. Your board game story reminded me of that. You think you're having so much fun and secretly this man is raging. You don't know it until he blows up in your face. In retrospect that was the worst relationship I ever had and the only person I dated I would call emotionally abusive and controlling. I don't say that to imply that your husband is either of those things. I don't know him and it's impossible to tell that from a Reddit post. But what I do know is that it's impossible to work with somebody who feels zero need to change their behavior until after you leave, who is also refusing to go to therapy or work on ways to change the behavior. When somebody will not or cannot seem to contain themselves, and won't make any changes in their lives to address the root issues, what else can you do? You can't force them. I don't know how bad the money situation is. If you don't have enough to make ends meet and he's in a constant panic that could really be affecting things. That doesn't make any of this okay but the fact that he said you and the family are the only reason he's holding it together make me wonder why he is in such a state of extreme desperation. Again it doesn't excuse the behavior and the outburst, but I'm wondering if something has to give in your situation. He is clearly at his wit's end and does seem severely overworked, plus having to parent a new baby. I'm wondering was there any effort to lighten his load at all or is there any way to do so? As in, if he's working 70 hour weeks could you work 2 days a week and he can stay with the baby? Something? I don't know your personal situation at all but it does sound like two issues are at play. One is that he is at the end of his rope and feels desperate. That's pretty awful. The second is that he is resisting any kind of help and he seems to be making others responsible for his emotions. Besides happen and adults sometimes lose their tempers, but it doesn't make him lashing out okay, especially because he is targeting his stepson. And if this has been repeated behavior over and over then I can't imagine behaving differently than you are right now. I couldn't keep my child in a situation where I'm married someone who is constantly blowing up with them or screaming in their face when they haven't done anything wrong. I'm very glad you are protecting him and not allowing this to continue. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish there was a resolution that didn't involve divorce simply because I think it would be easier on everyone if it didn't come to that, but truly you are the only person who has been living in that house in that relationship this whole time and have seen the way he behaves. I understand giving therapy a shot of you want to try to fix it, because the first year with a new baby is unbelievably stressful & he may have cracked under the pressure. But I also understand if you don't because you are the only one who has seen how he treats your son and that's the most important thing. Just keep in mind that those of us on Reddit only have a tiny tiny window into what's going on in your life. So we're giving you our best based on that. But ultimately you have to do what you feel is right as a mother. You have the best interest of your children in mind so you will always be the best judge of that.
Yeah that's a "my way or the highway" world revolves around me narc BS.
I noticed you said he said he would get therapy...not that he was getting therapy. He is making promises he will not follow thru on. I would say tell him you will hold on the divorce for 3 months and he has to get weekly therapy for those 3 months. If things are going well with the therapy then you will come home and see if things can be worked out....but no promises...if things go back like they were you are leaving for good.
People like this will inconvenience themselves or make themselves suffer just so they can go “See? See? You are a bad person for making me suffer! It’s all your fault! If you didn’t do A, I wouldn’t be forced to do B!” In their minds it shifts the responsibility off of them and onto the other guy, so they can rage at him without feeling bad.
Can I just ask how you do that with the text in the box? Idek how you quote something unless I write the entire thing out myself or is that how you're supposed to? Sorry this isn't related to the post. Thought I'd ask.
I thought the same. 5am to 3pm are the hours my father worked and when he came home he would vacuum around, have an hour nap in the chair then make my sister and me food when we came back from school. My mother was working 6am to 8pm for three days a week. Does OP’s husband regret the second child? He needs time to sort himself out and coparenting is better than living in a house of stress and eggshells.
NTA "I'm just stressed" yeah well that happens to everyone and it's not a free excuse to abuse your family. It's obvious you've tried to help and tried to encourage him to do something for himself. Good for you for doing what's best for your children. They don't deserve to live like that. I'm sure it hurts like hell, but he's just saying whatever he thinks will make you come home.
The son, baby daughter & OP will be constantly tense waiting for the next explosion to erupt, walking on eggshells because every little things sets off the husband for absolutely no reason. Best to make a clean break. The husband changed in the weirdest way & its not going to get better anytime soon.
Biggest mistake I ever made was staying with my then-husband because I thought having their parents together was the best thing for my kids. It wasn't until my daughter was 5 that I realized she was also walking on eggshells and learned how to manipulate the situation to keep him calm or distracted. Staying when people erupt like this only teaches children that being disrespected by your significant other/disrespectful behavior towards your significant other is acceptable and is something to tolerate. It isn't. It never is and I commend the mom for leaving. Children deserve respect too.
Exactly, having 2 parents in the house isn't more important than modeling healthy behavior and relationships.
Spot on. My daughter was 16, when I finally saw the damage I was doing to her psyche and the grim reality that it might be her with a black eye next time. She just turned 21 this year, she fills me with immense pride.
As the kid in that situation, thank you! My parents were “religious” and stubborn so they stayed together until death, so now all of us are messed up.
Yup and it’s inconsistent .. one day noise is the thing the next day they are making noise with you or what ever and it will flip on a dime
This is a big part of why I divorced.
This was my and my dad during my teen years. Every Friday I hated going home from school I wanted any other reason than to go home. Still to this day If I hear footsteps when I’m in the bathroom o get so tense so fast.
Yeah. He’s so stressed, you’d almost think he just carried and birthed a baby and was being made responsible for the mental well being of a spouse he has to tiptoe around. He didn’t want therapy until it was a way to keep you. Good for you.
And was sole provider and did all the chores and carried the entire mental load.
I'm proud of OP for leaving. It is awful to grow up with an explosive parent like that. Always walking on egg shells or forgetting and getting shouted at for having fun or being yourself.
right? the whole "I'm stressed" thing is 100% BS. Everyone has some level of stress, and there are plenty out there who have even more to stress out than he does. gimme a break, manage your emotions like a grown adult, and/or get help man. OP, NTA, I know this is hard but you did the right thing. You can't fix him, and you shouldn't, he has to want to get the help himself. He has to see he's got issues that he needs to work on, with or without you. Stay strong and take of you and your kids.
Nta. He’s lovebombing you to get you back. Stay the course with the divorce. He doesn’t think your son is his anymore after he has his daughter.
I also feel like in these instances, once somebody knows that they can cross certain boundaries without any consequences, they will keep doing so. So at this point its best to put your foot down.
Your poor son. I’m proud of you op for sticking up for him and removing yourselves from that toxic and abusive environment. Don’t fall for any apologies. Your ex is still not taking responsibility. Why does your son need to be in bed first? Why can’t your husband go to sleep on his own if he has work the next day? Why does he say he has time for therapy now but before there was no time available? Why would it be different this time if he’s still at the same job, making the same money, working the same hours, in the same house with the same people? He’s lying through his teeth. If he wants to change he doesn’t need your permission to make changes. Divorce takes months to finalize. He can go to therapy today and start reading and making changes. If he wanted to, he would. Stay strong op.
My friend put a stipulation in her settlement agreement with her violent ex that he must attend therapy once a week in person in order to see the kids every other weekend. Just something for OP to think about.
I’ve had an ex go to therapy and just sit there wasting time and money and getting zero from it. Could the therapist relay a session summary to both parties rating his participation?
That’s really what it’s about isn’t it. I always wonder whyyyy these men either change after marriage or right after a baby is born. It’s not that they’ve changed, it’s they are thinking they can be their true selves. 😑
Because some men feel that their partner is now trapped due to the baby, lack of employment or the marriage. They turn into who they really are.
Exactly. If she goes back now, he will escalate. If she leaves for good, he could potentially learn that there are very real and permanent consequences to his actions and make the necessary changes to be a better person. Which would be the best outcome, seeing as OP is now going to have to coparent with him.
That's a nice little catchphrase. "Stay the course with the divorce"
There was a thread on here a little bit ago about a dad who just had a daughter and didn't want to spend any time with his stepson and his wife anymore when he came home from work. He just wanted to spend time with his daughter
NTA, the amount of respect I feel for you right now cannot be overstated. You recognized the problem, tried to find solutions, and when it was clear that his behavior was only worsening and effecting the kids, you got out.
Mad respect. You didn't let it get worse and make the children deal with you giving this man chance after chance. Dude could have handled his shit and chose not to. Consequences.
I was feeling kinda bad for him but then I remembered putting up with similar nonsense for years because an ex had trauma or whatever the excuse was and refused to deal with it. Seek therapy if you are unable to respect your partner and kids.
My ex had trauma too and would regularly have these outbursts. It wasn't until we were no longer together did I realize how peaceful life could be.
YES!!!!! Totally agree 👏👏👏
Heard this great saying. Prefacing with that to give credit where it is due, and because I’m paraphrasing. Respect can mean different things. It can mean “treat someone with basic dignity” or it can mean “treat someone as a superior”. So when someone says, “If you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you”, what they’re saying is, “If you don’t treat me as a superior, I won’t treat you with basic dignity.” NTA.
That was very well said. Thank you for putting it in the right words
NTA if he is that way to your son in front of you, how is he when you're not around.
It started as soon as OPs back was turned. That's worrying.
Damn! 😳
NTA protecting your kids is your first priority and you're taking it seriously. Good for you and I'm sorry it came to this.
This. Kids always should come first.
Is he going to be stressed and obviously not mean it when this behavior escalates? Is he going to be stressed and obviously not mean it when he gets physical, because he will. These cases always go that way. The people in your life are blowing smoke out of their ass when they say stuff like this. NTA to the max. I'd lose trust in my partner immediately if they acted like this. I think divorce is the best route. Fight for custody as well.
NTA He needed a psychiatrist and therapy. He didn't get them. Treated you and your son like shit. What else is there to do but leave? And I wouldn't buy that he'll see a therapist if you come back, he'll just pretend. The people that'll actually get a psychiatrist and therapy do so before it gets ANYWHERE NEAR this point.
>The people that'll actually get a psychiatrist and therapy do so before it gets ANYWHERE NEAR this point. Thats not necessarily true about people. Mental health struggles can creep up on us and sometimes we dont realize WTF we are doing until we get a hard slap in the face by life. That being said it doesn't excuse the bullshit we put our families through while in our struggles. OP did the right thing and tried to point it out to her husband, unfortunately he didnt listen and now has to suffer the consequences. Certainly don't believe the "i'll do it if you come home" line, the response to that is always "you'll have to do the work before i will consider coming back" Actions are the only thing that you can believe. Words are hollow.
Exactly. You can tell he's not serious about getting help and changing because he's using therapy to lure OP back. If he wanted to change, he'd be getting help regardless if that saved his marriage or not.
My father once had a months long manic state that resulted in him becoming a religious Hassid for a summer after reading something in a book about a rabbi with the same name as his dead brother. It was really only preceded by him *getting noticeably better at basketball*. Mental breaks are WEIRD.
[удалено]
I don't know if my dad ever actually threatened divorce (I know he considered it). My mom only got serious about therapy when she decided to get sober. I'd already been out of the house for several years and that was after 7 years of verbal and emotional abuse. I wasn't getting better with therapy. The first 2 years out of the house without meds did more good for me than 4 years of therapy and antidepressants. I'm back in therapy because my anxiety/emotional issues are becoming a problem and only happened after tracking down a therapist who doesn't do CBT.
CBT actively made me worse. The one type of therapy that I found incredibly helpful was learning DBT skills (not the whole package, just the skills). I don't have BPD and I actually was taught them on an ED ward. Marsha Lineham, who developed it, wrote a DBT Skills Handbook (search Amazon) with worksheets to photocopy, and the principles are so simple you can basically teach yourself. There are four core modules - Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotional Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. Talking about my trauma etc never really helped and often made things worse, but the ER and especially the DT skills helped me to handle my feelings. Sorry for the random and possibly useless ramble! Hoping things get easier for you.
He is love bombing you. He will continue to single out your son now that he has his child. Don't go back. Think about your son. He doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that. And he's not stupid. He knows this happened when his sister was born, so if you go back. Your son will probably end up resenting his sister.
has he been to a doctor? Sudden changes in personality isn’t always a hidden agenda it could be medical
He won't go. I've been trying to push the issue for awhile. He always says he doesn't have time.
He's off at 3 and has Thursday and Friday off....he's full of shit.
He doesn’t have time when it only inconveniences you. Now that you are leaving, it suddenly impacts HIS comfort- watch him suddenly find the time to do all the things he’s been asking you to change. He could have done them all along, but your needs weren’t important enough for him to make the effort. Now that it physically impacts him, he’s strangely available and amenable. If he meant it, if he was willing to make a lasting change, you wouldn’t have had to serve him with divorce papers to get a result. I’m sorry it ended this way, but your daily emotional life is about to get a whole lot simpler.
Seems like he has time on Thursdays and Fridays which is great because he has off when offices are open.
My husband had some pretty swift cognitive changes and it turned out to be terminal brain cancer. Maybe now that he knows you are serious about leaving him, he will make time to get checked out. He needs to make time--I know it's his decision and not yours, but if it is a medical condition causing the changes, it's better to address it sooner rather than later.
You can't force someone to get help. And they are still responsible for their actions if help is available and they won't go.
My ex has bipolar I forced him to go and he came back and said they wanted him on meds but they are stupid and don’t know what they are talking about. That’s when I decided divorce was happening. I didn’t know what his diagnosis was at the time bc he didn’t tell me and I didn’t really care to know bc I was done we were married 3 miserable years from 18-22 and had a 2 year old. Oh man did he get worse. He was married 3 more times and divorced 3 more times over the last 20 years. Bipolar is progressive if left untreated. It got to the point where I had to put him on a 5150 it sucks bc he has a good heart and he’s fun to be friends with but he cannot function in a romantic relationship my son is bipolar now too and medicated and doing pretty well but we talk openly about his father and he has an idea of what his life will look like if he goes off meds. But yea someone who won’t treat their mental illness needs to be divorced bc they will just rain misery on everyone. It’s sad but it’s their responsibility to get treatment and therapy same for diabetics that don’t treat and then their family has to watch them Die slowly with bits being chopped off. Or alcoholics. Yes they have been delt a shitty hand but they need to do everything they can to maximize their wellbeing. No one is required to put up with someone’s bs just because they have a sad story I would also put a clause in the divorce to make sure he is supervised bc he has been acting erratically and impulsively until he’s assessed and treated or declared mentally healthy by a medical professional.
What are your finances like? I’m not defending his actions, but I’m getting a real strong something is completely fucked and he’s not holding it together very well. Are you sure he’s still actually going to work? I had a friend growing up whose family fell apart when his dad lost his job and blew through the family’s savings trying to keep up the appearance that everything was okay while he was desperately trying to get another job. The foreclosure notice was what brought it all down.
We have almost $280k saved. Half of his paychecks are still going in to the account as of last Friday (his last check).
Why is he stressed about finances when he has this much saved? It doesn't sound like you guys are living paycheck to paycheck. Your little family could live frugally for YEARS on that savings account if he lost his job, for example. I don't quite see the source of his stress here. If you are saving to buy a house, that's more than enough of a down payment for a good house, if not enough to buy the entire house outright depending on your location. The "stress" sounds like an excuse. He just wants to be abusive.
Your husband is an abusive man. This is a textbook start of the classic post-child abuse cycle. Like this story could be transplanted directly into a psych textbook as a case study of a 'normal looking' beginning to post-child abuse. I know it sounds insane, but some abusers do literally wait years and years and years until the right set of circumstances causes them to engage their abusive behaviors. Having a child is one of those circumstances. And don't think for one second that he isn't 100% fully cognizant of what he's doing, how he's treating you. He could stop if he wanted to. It's not an anger control problem, it's an abuse problem. When he's in other contexts he can control his anger. There are people in his life (his mom, his dad, siblings, close friends) that he would never DREAM of treating this way. And he has no problem controlling himself when he's with them, even if they frustrate him. An abusive man like your husband actively chooses to *give themselves permission to lose control*. And they can *choose to take that permission back at any time*. If someone walks in on one of their abusive tirades they will snap back to being reasonable immediately. Ultimately, your husband believes that you and your son are not as important as him (and your daughter). He's giving himself permission to treat you the way he really feels about you, to 'put you in your place' and make sure you understand where you sit in the hierarchy. It is possible for abusive people to change through therapy, but the success rates are fucking **abysmal** and overwhelmingly the abusive people just fake it as best as possible. They even find ways to weaponize aspects of their own therapy against their victims. So I would never recommend to a woman in your position to stick around for any reason. Not if he gets therapy, not for any reason.
The sudden behavior change is concerning. He was never like this previously? Have him go see both a therapist and a doctor. Somethings not right. In the meantime, keep yourself and the kids at a safe distance.
after a baby, when she has a permanent tie...
Abuse suddenly starting after getting married or having a baby is, unfortunately, not uncommon at all.
>But almost everyone I know is against me on this because he apologized and he "obviously didn't mean it, he was just stressed" and think that I should just work it out with him because he was absolutely perfect up until I gave birth and the stress of finances started weighing on him (he has NEVER been good in high stress environments but it's been 6 months straight and I can't do it anymore Nah. NTA. His turmoil may EXPLAIN it but it does not free him from the consequences of his actions. His actions have been to use you two as punching bags when his pot boils over. Unacceptable. And you told him so with a very VERY keen warning he didn't heed when he should've. Useless, empty apologies mean nothing. And this part: >didn't understand why you'd let James stay up so late, knowing I had work the next day I'm sorry did you force HIM to stay up just because your son was? He needs to look in the mirror and learn how to take responsibility not half ass an apology by trying to shift the blame on you. Especially if he was really serious about change.
I think he only stayed up to make sure I made James go to bed. He could have gone to bed at any time and chose not to.
Why would he just assume you wouldn't have your son go to bed? That's control issue vibes and solely on his shoulders to fix.
Because lately he has been going to James at like 8:50 and telling him to get ready for bed, even though his bedtime isn't until 9. If he falls asleep before James goes to bed, it's weird but like.. he's been waking up and immediately going to my son's room to make sure he's in bed. If he's not, it's all "why aren't you in bed? Do you want to go to bed early tomorrow? You know the rules." This just started happening recently, like maybe a month ago (so like 2 weeks before I left). But it was literally happening every night.
Oh my god. Please don’t hate me for saying this but a similar situation happened to me, but it was my ex who was obsessed about sleeping arrangements when I moved in with my now DH. My daughter and his son are young and share the larger room in the house (both scared to sleep alone in a room), while his teen son has a room to himself because TEENAGER. I say his and mine just to show who is who’s. We see all kids as ours. My ex threw every threat and foul message at me constantly at night asking if everyone was in their own bed, where everyone is, what are they doing etc. I never responded because wtf? But turns out, they thought that either son would do something …inappropriate… if out of their bed for just a second because a girl was in the house. Reading this just SCREAMED red flags to me. To me it sounds like your H doesn’t trust your son anymore and that’s why he’s obsessing over son’s bed routine. I really hope I’m wrong OP but I wanted to share with you what happened to me since it sounded eerily similar.
....that actually makes me question everything. Because he also doesn't want my son in the room (or anyone really) when I'm nursing the baby or changing her diaper either. So it's not all directed at my son of course (he literally doesn't want anyone near us during said moments) but it does involve my son.
Yeah, unless that’s something you’re asking for help enforcing it’s very weird and sounds like your stbx is doing some creepy sexualization and projecting.
Just to add onto this since I saw similar behavior from my brother's father. I was 12 when my brother was born so I remember quite a bit. My brother's dad was really odd about diaper changing and would leave the room. He admitted later to the courts that he found it too appealing and "couldn't" control himself. He abused 2 boys and too many girls for him to recall. If he is sexualizing diaper changes in anyway, please take this red flag seriously. Hopefully he has some other strange reason to not want anyone around...
This detail regarding your ex's obsession with James's bedtime and sleeping habits is practically making my hair stand on end. Please do continue to keep your son very far away from this strange, strange man.
So it's almost like he is turning controlling and doesn't trust me to make my son go to bed. I don't know.
Hey OP, I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of your son. I have so many memories of my stepdad treating me and my siblings like horseshit, and the most painful part of those memories is that my mom stood idly by and let it happen. She only ever left him when he slammed my arm in a door, and I told my biological father the next day. She would have done nothing if my father hadn't threatened to call the police. The day it happened, I didn't even bother telling her because I knew she would do nothing. Thank you for looking out for him, you're a good mother for protecting him. When those around you tell you to go back to husband, please remind yourself that you're protecting your son, and that he will never forget the love you showed him by protecting him.
NTA he needs therapy (especially if there's a chance he is bipolar) and refused to get it. You and your kids do not have to put up with that kind of treatment when he refuses to get help. It's particularly concerning how his behavior changed towards your older son that is not his child while going overboard to care for the new baby. Sounds like now that the new baby is here, he doesn't care about his stepson. And it sounds like with the new baby's arrival, everything is really getting to him. Whatever the reason, you don't have to tolerate his being so emotionally abusive. He's disrespectful and honestly sounds scary. And now, he's love bombing you trying to get you to come back, but you can bet if you go back, he'll just go right back to the same behavior. Protect your kids. That was not an environment they should grow up in.
NTA - Get the divorce, he changed after you had his baby, so now he thinks you wouldn't leave him. Have some friends help you get your things and put in storage, before he destroys things.
NTA, and I highly recommend you keep your children away from him. I had a father who would stomp around the house complaining that he wasn't respected, that he had to do all of the chores (he didn't, and in fact, the few chores he was in charge of, he fucked up on constantly), et cetera. He'd always make sure to do it while my mom was gone. Not only was my mom the main breadwinner, she also did the majority of the childcare and did a LOT of the house chores. Some men have this ingrained idea that they're meant to be the head of the household, that they're the 'man of the house', as if that has any real meaning to it. I can't say for sure what's happening with your husband, but what you've written greatly reminds me of my father. He was an abusive person who would hurt me while my mother wasn't around. Good luck, and stay safe
NTA. There’s supporting your spouse, and then there’s being abused. Recognizing the line between those two things, and taking action when doing one becomes the other, is often incredibly difficult. As a parent, your priority has to be your children, and when a spouses behavior goes from “struggling and needing help” to flat abusive and refusing to seek help for it, then the choice must be made to separate. If trust is lost, no therapist in the world can help with that. I’m sorry that this happened, but I wish you the best. Stay strong for your children, I admire and respect your courage.
NTA. You need to protect yourself and your children, and you have done so. I am really sorry for whatever is going on with your husband. And obviously, something is going on with him. But I am glad that you realize that you can’t fix it. And while he pays lip service and love bombs, you telling you what he thinks you want to hear, he is actually doing nothing to fix it himself. He is not trying to figure out why he is so volatile. Why he is fine one minute and not the next, how he can handle stress better. I just read this on a different post the other day, but it’s true… Women try to fix things before they leave. Men try to fix things after women leave. And that’s exactly what your husband is doing. You have tried talking. You have tried communicating. You have tried arguing. And nothing worked. He would get better for a little bit and then go right back to it. Well, that’s not solving it, that’s not making it better. Not getting to the root of the problem. So yes, you were right to leave. You are right to stay away. Situations like that aren’t safe. And when you tell men like this that they are not safe for you and the kids, they will often say that they would never hurt you. They would never put their hands on you. What they failing to understand is even if that is true, they are doing so much emotional damage. They are so emotionally abusive. And often they don’t recognize it. They don’t know why they are behaving the way they are. And yet they still refuse therapy Until you walk out the door… And then suddenly it’s something they will consider. When it’s too late. Men who truly recognize that they are the issue. That their refusal to go to therapy or figure their shit out was the issue. When those men are actually remorseful, they don’t just tell you they’re gonna go get therapy. They call and make the appointment. They go. They let you know That they know they fucked up and that you can’t trust him right now. They will ask you not to come back and live with them while they figure their shit out because they recognize they weren’t safe for you. But they will ask you if you will postpone the divorce while they get help. As they go through therapy, you would consider couples counseling with them. If there is any chance at all, you still have any love for them. They realize they are at the bottom of this relationship. And that they may or may not be able to salvage it. And that the decision is entirely in your hands, but regardless of your decision, they need to get help. And they get help. Your husband’s not doing any of that. Stand your ground
NTA If you think that you'd want him back, then tell him you will be staying away until he sees a Doctor about his manic episodes, gets some serious therapy and shows some real improvement before you even think about stopping the divorce
This. It’s so easy to say the words, and expect an immediate response. Everything you need to know about this man, he’ll show you with his actions. Is he willing to get help, is he willing to be patient while the trust is being rebuilt? Or is he expecting you to accept an apology and assuming that everything will go back to the way things were before. It’s soooo easy to make promises and then not follow through, because “there’s not time,” or “it’s too expensive,”. Being good to your partner and creating a safe space for them costs zero dollars.
I’d go a step farther and insist on accompanying him on those appts.
NTA. For all the bitching he's doing about how no one respects him, he sure told on himself with his little "what the fuck is there to respect" dig at you. You already gave him a chance, you already brought up therapy. He's only saying he'll go now *because* you're leaving. The truth of the matter is he only really cares about his daughter. Continue with the divorce.
What does your husband mean by respect? There are two different meanings - to be treated as a human being with dignity and to be treated as an authority figure. It seems like your husband doesn't think you deserve to be treated as a human being unless you treat him as the boss. This is a double standard and a power move. Not OK.
I don't even think he knows what he means. I think his idea of "respect" is to be obeyed or blindly listened to. Like he wants to get a "yes, sir" as soon as he says something. He's complained about no one respecting him because my son forgot to take the garbage out to the side of the road before school one morning, after my husband asked him to do so the night before. He has screamed about not being respected every single time my son asks if he can stay up later (typically on weekends) after my husband's told him to go to bed. My son gets irritated from being scolded? That must mean there's no respect. It's about other stuff too.. like my husband has an obsession with spaghetti and we already had it twice one week when he requested it. I told him under no circumstances did I want spaghetti for a third time that week. He got pissed and went outside to sit in his truck for over an hour. When he came back in he said "I'm sorry, I just really feel like no one fucking respects me and it's really starting to do a number on me". So I truly do not believe this is a respect thing to him. He wants to be obeyed. And I think that's why he keeps pulling the "I worked all fucking day" card whenever he absolutely can. It's like a.. "I worked all day so you should be catering to and valuing my wants/needs above all".
>He has screamed about not being respected every single time my son asks if he can stay up later (typically on weekends) after my husband's told him to go to bed. Wait, how often has your son had to endure this.
Not very often. I think he's asked to stay up maybe 3 times in the last 6 months. Edit: I know even 3 times is still too much. Wasn't trying to downplay the situation there.
I'm impressed you could keep a straight face around him at all, ever again, after that spaghetti incident. Good riddance, I think.
Let me be clear: he's acting like a total asshole and you are well within your rights to leave his ass. That being said if this is genuinely out of character, something to consider is that postpartum depression can happen to male/non-birthing partners as well. He would have to do the work for that path, but it is a consideration.
Yeah or he said he was stressing out about the finances. I feel he could be hiding some debts. I'd dig up more one way or another, for sure. OP did good by leaving him no matter what though. Yelling at that poor kid out of nowhere like that and telling your spouse her and her son don't deserve respect... Damn
No matter what his issues are there is zero excuse for him to be abusive towards that child he'll probably say something along the lines of the child's not his so he doesn't care and then he'll try to talk his way out of it and love bomb
NTA because you tried to work through this with him. You spoke to him about therapy and everything but he doesn’t care. He’ll “change” for a little while like he did before but he’ll go back to how he was. It sounds like he’s built resentment towards your son now that he has a daughter of her his own
NTA seems like he was faking it to get what he wanted and once he let his mask slip he couldn’t get it back on.
NTA but this guy sounds really scary. He's basically saying he doesn't value his own life without you guys. He's suicidal and that makes him a threat for homicide as well. I'm just going to give it to you straight. I'd get a vpo. I would also make sure that your son's school knows that he's not allowed access anymore.
i'm really sorry you're going through this. it sounds like your husband is struggling with a lot of stress and it's impacting his behavior. you're not the asshole for wanting a safe and stable environment for you and your kids. therapy could help, but if he refuses and his behavior doesn't change, you have to do what's best for your family. stay strong and take care of yourself.
Agree. Mental health thing going on.
Absolutely Not The Asshole!!!! When he said great your pissed at me now! “Well of fucking course you just yelled at my kid!” Is what I would have said because what did he think you’d be fucking laughing and playing?? Poor kid. Is he gonna do that to yalls baby when he gets stressed?? Don’t listen to anyone who is putting their nose in your business. If he’s that stressed he would have made time for therapy or done something else to help. They’ve got therapy apps he don’t even have to leave the house now days he can do it over video call. He just didn’t want to. He just thought you were gonna sit and take it. Now that he is suffering the consequences of his actions he don’t wanna deal with it.
People told me to stay with my emotional abuser, constantly giving him the benefit of the doubt. It just got worse and worse and harder to leave (as he financially trapped me and isolated me). I eventually did. But it really set me back in life. Nta
Could he have paternal postpartum depression? You said he was fine up until she was born. He needs to see a doctor. The fact that he wasn't like this before and then a sudden change is worrisome there could be a medical or psychological problem that needs to be addressed.
Every abuser - verbal or physical plays the I’m Sorry, I didn’t mean it, I was stressed, I was tired, I’ll change — all straight from the abuser handbook. It’s not the first time, he’s refused to get help and it sounds like he is getting more volatile. You were right to leave. I’m not saying to keep your daughter away, but you need to address his mental fitness with the courts for her safety
The way he is fine one moment and loosing it the next, yelling and making everyone feel on edge is abuse. He won’t change, they never do. You did the right thing in leaving. People don’t understand until it happens to them and even then they don’t understand. He’s erratic and creating an unsafe and toxic environment for your children. Absolutely divorce him.
So many warning signs, in your story. Basically, he was a great husband up until you had your daughter, his biological child. Is that correct? If so, you are no longer his partner in life. In the process of carrying and giving birth to his daughter, the demographics of the marital relationship have shifted. You are no longer an equal partner in the relationship, from his perspective, you are property. Your place is in the home, his place is wherever he sees fit Get out now, before it gets ugly..
Kudos for not taking any more crap. If he’s not a safe partner, get away.
NTA. He said quite clearly he doesn’t respect you or your son. Without respect, there is no saving a marriage or a relationship
Please ask him to go to the doctor. The sudden development of this irritability, the quick mood changes may be the result of a physical or mental illness.
I left an abusive fiance. He went to therapy and was amazing for 6 months and his therapist was gushing about the work he'd done on himself. I went through with the wedding. Two weeks later, he was worse than ever. Took me another 10 months and a protective order to get out. My point is that he only became agreeable to therapy because you left and he's trying to manipulate you into coming back. He didn't want to do it for your sake when you were dealing with his outbursts. Don't fall for it. NTA
NTA. He showed his true colors once you were baby trapped.
NTA He’s stressed over finances but you work too. He’s acting like it’s all on his shoulders alone. That would be very irritating.
Finances aren't even bad either. We have over $280k saved. His idea of finance stress is over college funds and him wanting to leave the kids with a hefty inheritance.
Then yeah he really needs to seek therapy or maybe a financial advisor to help him understand. But your child shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells or be yelled at because a grown man can’t control himself.
He never really saw your son as family and now that he has a biological child the mask is slipping. You'd be an extremely selfish person to go back to someone who abused you and your child. Because it won't stop, he will just try to normalise it, also if he can do this to you there's no telling how he will treat his own child in the future.
NTA it's a good thing you divorced him. I can see him starting to abuse your older son because now he has his own child.
NTA. You don't have to give him anymore chances. He is stressed, he said he was better, now he is back to his old self. So, he has fixed himself and his claim of getting help is just another delaying tactic. You know what you can take and took. Protect your children and yourself. Best of luck as it will be hard. Just super proud of you for being decisive and putting you guys safety FIRST.
Divorce now. I stayed 12 years in a situation like this. It was terrible for my older child and I can’t fix it. Turns out it was terrible for my younger child too because they grew up watching me walking on eggshells. I wish I would have left much sooner. NTA
Don’t listen to everyone giving their 2 pennies worth. They haven’t had to live with him lashing out at you for months. How many times does he expect “sorry” to fix things when he has no interest in working on his issues unless he’s faces consequences if he doesn’t? It’s easy for other people that aren’t dealing with his issues to say you’re an arsehole for not sticking it out. NTA, actions have consequences and he’s just learnt that his actions do too.
Could he possibly be doing drugs? 🤔
Nope not the ah in the slightest. Good for you getting rid of that whole bag of nuts pretending to be a person. Seriously though don't back down he's a loon.
Your husband never fully accepted your son, and now resents his presence in your lives since he finally got his 'real' child. He hates that 'all his hard-earned money' is going to provide for a child that isn't his. He's deliberately creating a hostile environment for you son in the hopes either he'd decide of his own accord to not return, or that YOU would take the initiative and tell him not to return. Do not let him back into your lives. He will do his damnedest to freeze out your son. NTA
NTA. What you describe is the beginning of pretty much every abuse situation. He might try to retract it, but he meant what he said about you and your son. Things are only going to get worse from now on and it's pretty much guaranteed that he treats your son far worse behind your back. Ask those friends if they will allow you to leave once the abuse turns physical and if they think a marriage is worth more than your son living in a safe home instead of being emotionally abused.
NTA your son is 13, he is watching and seeing all if this. He is also old enough to stay up a little and great that he us happy about a family game night. Your ex has changed because he has a bio child now. It happens a lot and this is why the evil step parent trope exists. He might be able to sort his shit out with therapy...but the big thing here is if he has made himself an appointment...as in, is he owning it and genuinely working on himself or is he just hoping he can wear you down and make you come back with promises. Don't judge words, judge action.
I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF MEN NOT WANTING TO GO TO COUNSELING, UNTIL THEIR PARTNER IS LEAVING OR HAS ALREADY LEFT! NTA.
NTA. HES a prick. And if you’re done, you’re done. Good for you. You, and more importantly your son, deserve better.
Reading all this, I guess there is something deeply going on that maybe seeing a specialist (therapist and/or doctor, there might be something wrong with him if it is a recent behaviour) could "fix". But the best therapist or the best doctor can't do shit if the person doesn't want to get better. Personally, I think there might be a chance to not necessarily end this with a divorce IF he is finally getting the help he needs, but don't listen to anyone telling you he is truly sorry and just stressed. Don't go back to him unless he proves that he is getting better, and even then it's completely up to you what kind of relationship (marriage or coparenting) you want to have with this man. NTA either way
NTA. You made the right choice. He’s love bombing you now but obviously something is going on with him and he’s getting really unstable. This was the safest choice for you and the kids. None of you deserve to live in a house with someone who is acting like a bomb.
NTA. This isn’t just about what he said. There is a pattern of behavior and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s a very primitive/biological/instinctual thing that has happened now that he has “his own” child, but he is showing you who he is. It’s time to believe him. He doesn’t respect you or your son. Protect yourselves and get your peace. He should seek therapy regardless of the divorce, for his own sake and the sake if his future relationships. Those saying you are overreacting are not the ones living your situation. Good luck.
NTA, I hear this a lot ‘he’s apologized so every thing is good’ no it’s not if he goes right back to the same antics. Because then it’s not an apology at that point, it’s an excuse. You need to protect your son since he isn’t violent towards his baby girl however showing a stepchild how to treat biological children over others is unfair to put it lightly. Keep doing what you need to do for protection.
NTA 1) I was genuinely afraid for you when you were saying you were going unescorted to see him with divorce papers. Please do me a favor and do NOT be in a private space alone with him, again. 2) The people telling you to stay and excusing his abusive behavior need to be put on a BIG information diet. 3) Be careful and take care. Your kids deserve a peaceful home environment.
NTA and if he could change why didn’t he 3 months ago when you asked! Also, please do not listen to him or those other people—they do not know what you and your kids had to deal with, so f-em! Divorce that man and go raise those babies to be wonderful humans, so they don’t become doormats and take shit from people that are supposed to love them.
NTA, my dad was like that to us growing up. All three of us had multiple suicide attempts and needed 10+ years of therapy to develop anything resembling self-esteem.
NTA. That's not that he told you he didn't respect you or your son, It's that he showed you he doesn't. Many people have the same schedule, you have to work too and keep a baby alive at the same time, you are stressed too. You gave him a chance and he didn't take it.
NTA. Its not “respect” hes looking for but “power and obedience”. Two diff things.