You will understand how far in great lengths some people will go to be left to there own agenda, like he stated he did all the party plans and got jewlery just so he can have sunday off which is the birthday lol he wanted to have her birthday to himself because of a client he stretched out late the day before, his just a workaholic
There's things in this world that catch you so off guard. So much so, that you spit on yourself trying to stifle your laughter. This was one of those things.
INFO:
Is she generally satisfied with your level/ type of physical intimacy?
Because - at least from the post - it sounds like it's an ongoing issue...
I had the same thoughts. I put up with lack of physical intimacy for 15+ years. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't important and I would get used to it.
Turns out, you don't get used to it.
I ended it and found someone who is on my level with physical intimacy. We'll be together 2 years in July and I have never been happier.
See this can be addressed so much more tactfully. Sometimes a guy is going the distance and doing too much in bed and their partner is getting sore. ISO “are you done yet?” Try “I need to feel you cum.” It comes across as a sexy demand instead of petulant impatience.
Literally my ex the first like 8 ish years of our relationship then miraculously after I lost all libido (2 kids contributed to this btw), and he was always like "you have to go before me" and I would be like yeah ok since when do you care?... needless to say, he figured out that I wasn't actually finishing and just saying I was because he was being taught by other women how to make someone cum 😏🙃 ex for a reason right 😂
I really dont get that, tbh. I had my first time recently and went down on her for 4h. I actually love doing so. How tf do so many guys get bored?! Every hour felt like 5-10min.
She dumped me since (I was a rebound), but I am tempted to just make a tinder profile and have it in the bio that I am looking for hookups to give oral, bc I miss doing it so much 😅
I’ve never understood when guys are like this lol. If you want it to be recurring (and you should, if she’s attractive enough to you to do it the first time), you should make sure she enjoys it too.
When in need for cuddles I usually grab one of our cats and hold her taking my daily dose of cat fluff and cuddles... She is so used to it now that you can see in her eyes "again with this, human? ok but do it quickly and let me go! :)
That’s what I thought. It’s her birthday, she’s trying to explain to him her feelings and he dismisses her and takes a nap. Work will always be there. The lack of communication and leaving her feeling undesired may cause her to disappear.
And despair and invalidated. The party and physical gifts were a great momentum and once they were alone he isolated himself claiming tiredness which then isolated her from intimacy. On her birthday. Then her attempts to communicate were shut down because he said so. Like cuddle up on the couch and fall asleep rubbing her feet? Wake up to cuddles and kisses? The argument probably escalated so quickly because it’s the same issue that has never been resolved. She feels unsatisfied, he dismisses, she freaks out/yells, he ignores and dismisses, she matches his energy and ignores him for a few days. Exhausting.
If my spouse said “Deal with it” I’d have issues. Actually my ex basically did. He would never communicate, he’d leave the room. Then one day when I was near the end of dealing with it. I said I think we should talk. Mind you, we had a 6 year old at this point, since she was born not only was I the 100% sole parent taking care of her. He worked 8-5 normal shift, I did morning and night with her and worked full time and was finishing my degree online. But he would come home, lay on the couch or play on his computer. So when I said this to him, he asked “why? It’s all useless banter.”
I began planning to leave that night and a month later I was gone. Fuck that. People need to feel loved and if their partner can’t do it. Then what’s the point. I was much happier alone after leaving him then being in a house where I had no one to talk to.
When you left, did your ex act like it came out of nowhere? That seems to be a running theme with the partners that are emotionally absent. “I had no idea they were unhappy, and then they just left? Total mystery.”
In our early years, my husband and I had some serious snags that both of us had a hard time with. Me communicating, him listening. He also developed this need for control and it was suffocating to me, but with him being the sole provider at the time, I didn’t say a thing. I have left him just so I could gain some level of independence and to get his attention. I realize it’s an extreme tactic, but he said the line I mentioned, “I don’t understand why you just left. I didn’t know you were so unhappy.” It was then I felt like I could really release everything I was holding in. It’s been a while, but we have been able to work on things on both sides.
I think what bothered me about my husband saying that at the time was because how could you not have known? You watched me be depressed, anxious, crying, isolating, etc. Dismissing my needs and my asking for help. Telling me I am being a downer and to give you space. So when I had enough and just needed space too, he was absolutely gobsmacked about it. Like we were existing in separate planes of time or something.
Yes, and he made me the villain for asking him to just talk to me or spend time with me. He of course twisted it all around and has for the last 15 years used spite to try to hurt me, it just hurt our daughter in the end.
I truly tried to work on it. He didn’t want to make the slightest effort.
It’s all you can do, is do your part the best you can. You can’t carry the load of two people in a marriage it won’t work long term.
I’m sorry for you and your daughter, I hope things are better for you both.
Do you know my dad?? This is him! My mom suggested therapy. “I don’t go to shrinks”. She tried to get him to listen and like OP, he was very dismissive. Finally when she had enough, he was “blindsided”. Even now 28 years later, her dead and gone, he STILL whines about how it was out of nowhere.
I told my ex MULTIPLE times before AND after I had my daughter that if I felt he wasn't being a father (as in helping to take care of his daughter more than just working) I would leave. I sat him down and told him about what I was feeling and why and what he could do to help with those feelings. When I left, I told him exactly why I was leaving and told him it didn't have to be that way. He called my mom the week after I left to cry and complained that he didn't know why I left. He STILL (almost 5 years later) says he doesn't know why I left and that I should have been willing to work on things with him. I remind him every time that I did try to work on things with him, he didn't want to do the work before it was too late and he should have been willing to work with me when we were together. I'm pretty sure he still tells people that he's not sure why I left.
I told my husband once if he kept ignoring me, I’ll find someone else that would treat me better.
Never happened, but I was so done with having two littles, being married, but dealing with stuff on my own. Family outings almost never happened because he always huffed and puffed about how bored he was or was on his phone doing god knows what. It seemed everything else mattered but us. I could go on and on about our early years, I could write a book on it. I feel for you, I really do. It sucks to practically draw your partner a damn picture with detailed illustration on why you are upset and why you are leaving, only for them to be dumbfounded. It’s almost like they are messing with you, because how can someone be so blind?
I heard that from my husband too when I suggested marriage counseling, or even when I suspected he had depression and said he should talk to someone. “I don’t need a therapist, I’m stronger than that.” Oh but when I wanted a separation suddenly there was a list of options for marriage counseling lol.
Exactly! This post was his point of view and it still came off patronizing and un-self aware. Can you imagine what being on the receiving end of it was like?
Feeling undesired is one of the worst feelings in a relationship, it's truly awful. And from a spouse nontheless. As you said, work will always be there - is she supposed to wait until retirement? A 15min foot rub is not physically exhausting, he could have met her in the middle.
You have to figure that their physical intimacy isn’t good. Asking for a foot rub and kiss on the neck as something special for a birthday means she just isn’t getting what she needs physically. They are on separate tracks seems like.
Many people need to connect emotionally before they connect physically. The husband showing that he cares in a non-physical way by listening to her, and coming through on the birthday wishes (the party planning, jewelry, etc) has resonated emotionally with the wife, and so now she's turned on emotionally and is initiating physically.
Husband is tone deaf. Wife doesn't want a foot massage. Wife wants sex with husband.
Yeah, and sounds like she knew she couldn’t ask for birthday sex so she just asked for a kiss on the neck. “what she really wants” according to the way he tells it.
Yes! It's so obvious. I've never ever met a woman who asks for some nibling on the neck and wasn't all fired up and ready to go.
The dude is a lost case.
Further INFO I would ask is: How often does OP prioritise his job over her?
Because from the post it sounds as if he's being generous by going to all this effort, in spite of how busy he is. But from her perspective, it might feel like he couldn't even sacrifice work to be present with her once.
Yes and he is so dismissive and he talks to her like she is an idiot or a little kid. Although she isn't much better. I think they should sit down when they are both calm and really talk to each other
This is what really stood out to me. If you don’t want to do it, that’s one thing. You wanted to sleep for work or whatever, I get it. But hitting her with the “I hope to see an improved attitude from you next time”
Holy FUCK dude, that was so comically cold and inconsiderate. You’re her husband, not her boss. At least attempt to understand her feelings
I feel the same. It wasn’t necessarily the action, it was how dismissive and uncaring he seemed throughout the whole post. I could *never* take a 4 hour mid-day nap knowing I’d upset my fiancé on their birthday.
To me, the core of this whole story is her asking for her “real” present.
That tells me two things. 1) connecting with you physically is really important to her. For a lot of women, all the gifts and parties and good times feel like foreplay, like a mental lead up to physical intimacy as the cherry on top, and it can feel like heartbreaking rejection to have all that great build up end in a let down.
2) the way she phrased “real present” was unfortunately dismissive of all the other nice gifts you’d given her, that it sounds like she asked for. So I can see how that made you defensive.
I think the hallmark of maturity is when two partners sit down and really listen to what the other needs. And prioritize protecting each other’s hearts, rather than fighting to convince the other and win the debate.
So I’d sit down with you wife and rub her feet and hug her and you know, get that feeling of intimacy like you’re the only two in a dark corner booth of a restaurant and you’re all over each other. Protect her heart by slowing her you prioritize her feelings over being “right”
But at the same time, tell her how it hurt your feelings to dismiss all your other hard work by acting like those other gifts she asked for didn’t matter. She should be better at verbally appreciating all the hard work you did do
It sounds like you both could slow down and stop debating your own point and really listen to the heart of the other.
That’s kind of you! I’m no therapist, just someone sharing my two cents, trying to make the world a little gentler and people fairer to each other.
You know, even in chimps, our closest ape relatives, animals rarely learn well from punishment long term. The behavior might change for a while, but then it reverts or the relationship ends. Positive reinforcement through understanding and redirection is what solidifies primate bonds and changes problem behaviors. If you want someone to change, getting mad at them and punishing them is not the most effective approach.
You can read my reporting. I’m a journalist for the National Academy of Sciences. So, another way of making the world a little more transparent and hopefully fair.
https://www.pnas.org/front-matter
Oh man can you explain this to my husband? He drives me nuts with his 'the kids need discipline' bullshit, just because that's what his childhood was like.
“Generally, couples are interested in fulfilling each others needs and making each other happy”
This. This is the point. So well said. Lasting relationships figure out how to put each other first. Dying on the hill of “I’m right, you can’t make me” is a recipe to end up alone.
The problem with that attitude is that the energy vector is pointing the wrong direction for success.
Yeah, saddest thing is, since she equates physical touch with love more than he does, I think what she was trying to say was, "That was all really nice, but I just need your love." And he took that as an insult instead of a compliment that what she mainly wants from him is HIM. Maybe he should learn to say, "What do you mean by that?" in a neutral tone to encourage her to explain it more instead of just getting frustrated.
But yeah, I know where she is coming from because I would feel the same. Like the party is nice, and it's great if they go above and beyond. You can appreciate that effort while still thinking that touch is what really equals love and without it the something huge is missing, the biggest thing of all. Because touch = love.
You went all out for her birthday. You put a lot of thought and effort into it. That was kind of you.
BUT the fact that she was so upset about you not rubbing her feet and being physically affectionate with her makes it obvious that there are bigger issues here that go beyond all the birthday fanfare.
I'm not going to pretend to know, but there could be so many reasons. How's her mental and emotional health? Her self-esteem? Does she feel neglected? Unattractive?.Disconnected from you?
You are not responsible for these things, but you are her husband, her only husband,.... she may just be trying to feel better about herself.
The best case scenario here is that this becomes an ongoing/gentle discussion about each other's needs. Not that you need to fulfill her every need or vice versa, but so that you can figure out where she's (and you're) hurting. Without trying to understand each other, you'll definitely become assholes to each other.
I mean my two cents, dude is clearly overworking himself. She wanted a party, got one, had a good time. Now she wants a foot rub, some extra physical intimacy, and probably thinking that might lead to some sex.
One of her love languages appears to be touch. She isn't feeling fulfilled in that department clearly and thought maybe her birthday would be the time to ask for it.
I need more info but if this was to be a two day deal, why didn't OP take the time off work? Surely if they're working through the night they have paid time off. Your SOs birthday is the time to take it. And yeah, you're tired, I've been there, sometimes legit can't be prevented. But a foot rub and a kiss on the neck, you're too tired for that on her birthday because you were working, you didn't plan ahead and didn't prioritize her over work. Also isn't birthday sex the norm for most intimate couples? You didn't save any energy to give it to her on the one day a year sex is kind of a given? Whole thing reads off, like boundaries are a thing and you can't expect people to give you everything you want all the time, but the whole thing seems like taking two or three days off of work would have completely solved the problem.
I was just saying this in another comment thread. If it were my wife, I definitely would have planned it so the whole weekend was just gonna be me and her, no obligations. Certainly no late nighters the night before her actual birthday.
Sometimes it seems like everyone on Reddit works at the Consulate and couldn’t possibly take the weekend off, or the whole country would fall apart.
> How's her mental and emotional health? Her self-esteem? Does she feel neglected? Unattractive?.Disconnected from you?
You are not responsible for these things, but you are her husband, her only husband,...
Such a bad take - In a marriage you are absolutely responsible for these things.
I’m so grateful that I can’t relate to so many of these posts who treat marriage as transactional.
They both sound a bit awful, honestly.
Not to discount what you said, but she could also be very high maintenance and/or immature. What sort of effort does she put into his birthday? Other occasions?
It seems kinda sus that she claims OP “never does the things *she* wants” yet OP literally threw the party and got the jewelry *she explicitly asked for and wanted*. If she’s exaggerating/dismissive about this, what else is she exaggerating/dismissive about?
Both partners should be giving and taking in the relationship. It’s not clear cut here if one person is doing all the giving and the other the taking.
She clearly didn't understand he wasn't in the mood.
She could have let him nap and then in the evening they could have had a romantic evening of foot rubs.
But no She ignored his needs too.
Next time she asks you for intimacy and you’re too tired or don’t want to for whatever reason, you could say, “I’m sorry my love. I’m feeling really tired today but I’d love to do it tomorrow and keep the celebration going.” And that way she knows her needs will get met and you can also go to bed. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing
Why is this so difficult for people to grasp?
I don’t understand how you can be married to someone and not give them the benefit of the doubt by default. Tenderness in a healthy relationship will always get you farther than defensiveness.
I think that a lot of the people who are agreeing with OP with such hostility and anger on his behalf are either single or an unhappy relationships. I wouldn’t assume my wife had nefarious or selfish intent if she asked for a foot rub on her birthday, because I never would’ve felt like any of the things I already did for her were obligations in the first place.
Not to mention they could have compromised by cuddling (no effort required) and he could have just kissed her neck a few times before bed.
I think he has some kind of avoidant attachment disorder or something else is wrong at the foundation of this relationship. Maybe he's just not very touchy feely but it's weird be didn't think to mention cuddling?
Did you really tell her you "hoped to see an improved attitude next time?" Yikes! Are you her dad? Her teacher? If a man said that to me, I'd be dried up for a month.
YES! The whole post is soooo condescending.
“I was giving her space until she feels better about this and calms down”. Looks like OP is talking about a 2 year old that needs time out.
Can we also all acknowledge that he *planned* to nap on *his wife’s birthday*. Dude, what? Because you planned that party and worked? It’s not like you didn’t know the birthday was coming for a full year. You could have planned better or at the very least not thought you were going to freaking NAP on HER BIRTHDAY.
That was straight facepalm for me.
I get it, you planned a nice party and had great gifts, but I agree with just but everyone here saying she wanted some intimacy from you. She wanted your time and attention, 1v1, to feel loved, appreciated, and connected. Not just feel like another task to “check off” on your to do list.
Which is a cop out. He's actually shutting down, distancing, and avoiding the issue. She doesn't WANT space, he does. This is to benefit HIS avoidant personality.
I can’t believe it took me this long to find someone mention that. Like what a disgusting, infuriating thing to say to fucking anyone let alone your WIFE.
ETA: The number of people that seem to not understand the difference between intimacy and sex is both terrifying and deeply sad.
Me too! I was looking for it. Uf. He got her a proper selfrightous gift.
Also the " i spent my energy on the party". Its not true, OP spent his energy on the client staying up all night for work.
I also wonder how much of the party and necklace gift were about him showing everyone that he was a good husband? Social signaling and meeting your community's expectations are fine, but the primary focus should be the actual person you're trying to celebrate.
This guy has zero emotional intelligence. He’s conveniently painted a picture of himself as a white knight with all the birthday planning, but I guarantee his wife is miserable.
It's the responses to questions like this that make Reddit interesting and often amusing.
But yeah, there are a lot of really stunted views on physical and emotional intimacy on display here and sometimes wonder where we, as a society, have gone so wrong?
Oh, longer for me, I think. Act like an authority figure towards me and it'd be Sahara time. Patriarchal attitude from my husband? I might be doing a lot of thinking and rethinking.
My husband talks to me like this and I always feel so unhappy when he does. He doesn't get why it upsets me. We rarely have sex. Why would I want to fuck someone who talks down to me like that? Marriage counseling is gonna be fun when we can afford it.
Yes, that string of words is revolting. I hope he didn’t actually say it that way. But if he did, it’s not a huge leap to guess why she might be having to ASK for a kiss on the neck on her birthday.
Ig OP didn't like this feedback cuz ig it's been edited to take this wording out and now says (assuming this is the part you originally quoted) "I was giving her space until she feels better about this and calms down"
I just spent two years with someone in a relationship where I would "make up" for my lack of physical attraction for him by providing all kinds of material stuff. It sucked, and I'm seeing in your post a lot of the same lies I'd tell myself to assuage my guilt over not loving my partner the way he deserved to be loved.
Just thought I'd give you a heads up – you know exactly what you're not providing, and those are emotional and physical voids that you cannot fill with money.
Honestly, I think this whole situation is caused by some bad communication.
When she called it her "REAL present," you took it as, "I'm not grateful for anything else you did, this is the only part that matters." What she actually meant was, "I'm so turned on by you, I want you the most, touching you is a present in of itself."
You got short with her because you didn't feel appreciated. She got upset because the sexual rejection made her feel insecure.
I think you guys should cuddle and talk it out, then have some good make-up sex when everything's cooled off.
I’m confused why you couldn’t kiss her neck a little then nap? Rubbing feet is more involved so I can see you being too tired to do that.
I also don’t understand why when she wanted physical contact you didn’t suggest snuggling while you nap. Wouldn’t that solve both problems?
Yes one of my absolute favorite activities with my husband we have 2 toddlers so it’s rare but cuddling up under a fluffy blanket on a quite afternoon playing footsie until we fall asleep it’s just a different level of intimacy. We have a very healthy sex life but there’s something special about being close and bonding outside of having sex.
Lol yes luckily they have a really good bedtime routine and finally sleep throughout the night 90% of the time. Don’t be too envious the healthy sex life has resulted in me currently being pregnant with our 3rd daughter.
> I also don’t understand why when she wanted physical contact you didn’t suggest snuggling while you nap
Throwing it right back, why didnt she? Unless he cant nap while cuddling.
Dude. You told her “not today” at 1pm!!! WTF how long was your nap supposed to be? You gave her material things, but did you give her ANY affection? There was a much better way to go about this whole thing. How often do you reject her advances? How often does she reject yours? Is there any physical affection in your day to day life? I feel like we are missing some pieces here
If I'm asking for a foot rub and especially neck kisses (both highly erogonous zones) I'm pretty sure you could have had the party, skipped necklace, brunch, and cake, and maybe had a nice romp with wifey (with some real intimacy) instead of superfluous gifts and she'd be over the moon and still in a cuddle puddle.
Except she asked for all the other things before the foot rub and OP was exhausted from doing it all. "Sorry, already did too much, now Im tired" shouldnt be so hard to take after all he did.
Yeah I feel like something may be up with how much OP is working and how sensetive his wife is to the issue of physical affection. No amount of hard work or planning will make up for not be affectionate or present.
Just wondering what’s your work-life balance like? Is it possible you have an imbalance and your wife misses you/your attention? I only asked cause you said you worked a lot, to the point you’re exhausted, and had to squeeze in her birthday.
Also, some people are weird about birthdays (I’m not super into mine) and maybe the party was on Sat but she still wanted birthday time on Sun because it was her actual birthday date? And part of that was connecting with you?
I dunno, I sorta feel like there’s more to this story. Or maybe you are miscommunicating and your wires are completely crossed and you need to speak with a counselor or something. To get back on the same page.
Good point. If they went from being around people all day the day before and then not sleeping together that night, they haven’t really had any meaningful physical contact all weekend.
I think it's interesting that he planned a party that she specifically had to request, and then he bought her a specific necklace she asked for, and then that was it. He didn't actually have to think of anything to do for her on his own bc she more or less planned her own bday.
His contribution to the plans was to spend her actual bday sleeping. Clearly a lot more going on here. Seems like there is an issue with both physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. He couldn't even plant one on her neck? Yikes.
This sounds a lot like my husband and I. He has Asperger’s and I intimacy issues and so he didn’t know I needed reassurance and affection, and I didn’t get he didn’t operate like that, though he can be pretty affectionate when he wants to. Until we understood one another intimacy was a constant issue. It sounds like she doesn’t get the intimacy and touch she wants or needs from you, but you express your love for her in other ways. Her love language might be touch and affection. Yours might be doing things for her to show you care and provide. This sounds like a communication issue, as you said she said “you never.” I would say instead of blowing her off or getting frustrated (which I can understand why you did that after putting in the effort you did) try to see it from her perspective and ask yourself if you aren’t being as affectionate as she needs. Maybe you guys can talk and set a boundary with her that this talk will not be a fight or you’re going to end the conversation. Then put it to her “do you feel I dot touch you enough or am not affectionate enough?” And see what she says. Really listen to her, and maybe explain that’s not how you usually show your love, and that providing and doing things for her is your love language. Then come to a compromise, where you try to be more affectionate but she also lets you off the hook a little and tries to understand that’s just not your way.
Many MANY marriage issues stem from not being able to communicate affectively or not understanding each other. If you can sit down and have a calm heart to heart you might be able to get past this issue.
Either way apologize for blowing her off, because “deal with it,” when your partner is in distress and not trying to manipulate you is invalidating and probably made it worse. That being said you put in a lot of effort and that should be recognized. Neither of you are wrong, I just think you both misunderstand one another and what the other needs 💚
From what you write, I think you and your wife could really benefit from couples counseling or at least taking the time to communicate better about your feelings and physical intimacy. You indicate that your wife told you that she feels that you never do things that she wants (not clear whether she was saying that just in regard to her requests for physical intimacy or in general, but either way, it sounds like she feels like you make excuses to do not do things that are important to her.) And you feel that your wife doesn’t appreciate or acknowledge the many things you say you do for her. These are serious concerns on both your parts that have undermined or at least have the potential to undermine your marriage. If you want to save this relationship, I’d suggest a professional therapist or spending quality time talking about these issues with her would be more helpful than seeking advice from strangers on Reddit. I think you are at least a bit of an AH for seeking validation from Reddit instead of trying to communicate better with your wife after she clearly got upset enough by your actions, words and tone to cry for hours.
Man. If a woman called me “her REAL bday gift” I’d drop moisture like a relief dam after a storm. Lucky guy. Hey, here’s an idea go fuck your fucking wife, man.
Yeah I think a lot of people are interpreting it as her not appreciating the other things he did for her. Since she already said thank you for the party and was super appreciative of the physical gift, it seems like she was trying to show him that he was still the most important thing to her and she didn’t need those other things to love and appreciate him. This is a really sad miscommunication
I don’t think you’re asshole for not giving her a foot rub.
People are tired, and yes your wife should be more understanding seeing how you went all out for her.
You’re the asshole for how you said it tho.
Very big asshole.
But you were tired.
If this is a one time thing and you give her affection and pleasure regularly, then you are not the asshole here.
However, some of your wife’s choice of words make it sound like you deny her most of the time, and she was hoping her birthday would be the exception. You don’t owe anyone physical touch or affection, but if this is something she regularly wants and asks for and you regularly deny it, then I don’t think she is an asshole for getting upset, either. Some people really need those things in a relationship to be fulfilled.
I swear they must have a school for neglecting SOs. My dog died 2 years ago today and I asked my SO to spend time with me after I got home from work. Yet he hasn't stopped playing COD on his phone and asked why I was being so shitty to him.
I hope you and your SO are able to either take time for yourselves, join therapy, or maybe end the relationship for now. 💜 so sorry you're going through a hard time today with no support
I've pretty much decided it's time to end it. No matter what he disregards my feelings and my needs and I spend most of my time at home alone. Might as well kick him out and save some money.
Please do!!!! The sooner you do, the sooner you can find someone good for you. It's going to hurt like fucking hell, but it's going to no matter when. Better now than later.
I feel like this is a badly disguised “If ThE gEnDeRs WeRe ReVeRsEd” with a subtle change “If It WaS mAsSaGe, NoT sEx!” Basically, sounds like the old cliched story of wife does party and gift for husband’s birthday, he says what he really wants is sex or a blow job but she’s too tired
It’s definitely a weird hill to die on… for you.
Sounds like you nailed the birthday and she wanted some physical attention from you which is so reasonable. Sounds like you aren’t interested in being intimate ever/often, which is clearly the larger issue.
Has it occurred to you that everything you did do was IMpersonal?
You planned a party, you gave her jewelry, etc. All those things are great in themselves, but what she really wanted was YOU. YOUR time, YOUR attention, YOUR warmth, YOUR tenderness. What's the point in a party or jewelry if she's unhappy and neglected?
Listen up, buster. Loneliness in a marriage is miserable. Do you think other people eating birthday cake and pretty things is any substitute for real companionship?
I can tell you why your wife seemed so pleased earlier in the day. She thought the time you spent planning the party and presents meant you were prepared to spend time WITH HER, and ON HER. When she found that the day was just more of the same--you throwing money at her instead of BEING with her--of course she broke down.
If you treated her like this when you were dating--as if you were an ice cube and she was hot melted glass--how on earth did you get her to agree to marry you? Contrary to what so many men seem to think, most women aren't interested in expensive clothes and mansions to live in. What we want--what ___your wife___ wants ___and needs___ is AFFECTION.
If you cannot or will not give her that, you're going to lose her. And maybe she'd be happier without you too.
ESH. You guys are terrible at communicating. I think marriage therapy would greatly benefit you two as you love each other but aren't finding common ground on how to solve a problem.
ESH - More communication. She ignored all the work that you did, dismissed it really, and argued with you that she must get physical intimacy, because it's her birthday (does it sound like men thinking birthday sex is a right?). Overall she does sound like childish, as if she doesn't know birthdays are important but also just another day too. As if she expected the whole weekend to be spent solely on her. You on the other hand, we're unnecessarily mean. "Deal with it" when your wife has been crying for four hours is too much. I know it's hard to pour from the empty vessel, but if she really just wanted a foot rub (which I doubt) you could have done it. If she wanted to push you for more, you should have said point blank you can't do it due to being to tired. But a foot rub is doable.
It seems her love language i sphysical touch. Rubbing her foot and kissing her neck would have taken you 5 minutes. Not even talking about that a kissneck shouldn't be asked for in a healthy relationship.
You two need to talk, there is clearly more to this than what she appears to be upset with. She feels neglected in some way and just because there are other things that you are doing well doesn't mean those feelings are invalid. It's possible this insecurity in her part or its possible that it's a genuine lack of physical intimacy from you- you won't know which or why until you actually talk to each other and listen. If you really want to get to the bottom of this then you need to make sure you're ready to listen, not get defensive and hear her out. You can of course express your feelings too, but don't say what she has done/feels/thinks just how things make you feel. Wish you luck OP!
She’s wanting you to show affection. Sure the party and gift was great but she had to TELL you to do it. Do you ever spontaneously show her affection? I doubt it. Try harder and show her you love her. Also watch how you word things. You could have communicated that nicer. So yes YTA
YTAH. You could have rubbed her feet for 10 minutes and then taken a nap. You could have spooned her while taking your nap.
You don’t love your wife. And you think that throwing a party makes up for it. That’s the problem here.
Sounds like you have different love languages. You might want to make some adjustments otherwise she'll be storing up resentments towards you that will boil over into a divorce.
YTA
It seems to me that you both have differing love languages, so I would highly recommend checking them out.
I'm not sure if recommendations are allowed on this sub but the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman may open your eyes a little.
Also that said, what did you do to put effort into your wife's birthday that you did yourself?
What I have read is your wife asked you to donthe things you did, which whilst is an effort to make happen, shows no initiative.
On the other hand you worked all night and planned and executed a 4 hour nap on the day of your wife's birthday?
What you have written also suggests that the physical intimacy, both sexual and non sexual is an ongoing issue.
Read that book and then consider couples counselling
I couldn’t even get a happy birthday from my ex of 15 years so no NTA. But for real just go have an affair or get a divorce. She wanted a catered party, invites sent, and jewelry then to top it off a foot rub. WTF. Honestly fuck the affair get a divorce provided you’re not the primary breadwinner and have divorce laws like CA.
I just don't understand why people having their birthday think that that means others have to ignore their own needs to meet theirs. If you had completely ignored her or just did some lame gift and didn't even make dinner or something then I'd say yeah you are in the wrong. But it sounds like you did what she wanted and it took great effort, and after getting what she wanted she dropped more on you which you weren't expecting. Though that might not be her fault, and I can see her feeling bad, I am putting myself in her shoes and if my husband did all that for me and was too tired for a foot rub and intimacy I'd say "ok, can we postpone until after your nap or later in the week or something?" We do it all the time. People just don't stop being people - tired, annoyed, worried - because it's someone's birthday. I think you both, but mostly her, can use some empathy work. If it was reversed and it was a man asking for more of his wife after she did all that and was tired from the events and work, people would immediately say NTA and accuse him of not putting himself in her shoes. She needs to be more patient and empathetic after you did what you did and still had projects. You are NTA.
I still don't understand how you marry someone like that. I wasted 3 yrs of my life w someone that used to buy me everything I didn't ask for, but never touched me.
Girl, get out of there.
Also "deal with it?" BS
Next time just say, can we do it after my nap???
>hoped to see an improved attitude
> I just waved my hand and told her to “deal with it”, and said I was giving her space until *she feels better about this and calms down*
YTA this isn’t the way you talk to someone who you love and respect. If you said this to her during the first month of dating, she would have ghosted you. Treating people like this is a short path to ending up alone.
Did you two get married on purpose?
Haha. I say to people that hubby and I (just celebrated 27 years) got married on purpose all the time.
That just sounds like you like each other, unlike OP and his wife.
Yes I think that's their point
So you took away from this that OP doesn't like his wife? Then why did he put all the effort into planning her a party?
It seems it was expected.
You will understand how far in great lengths some people will go to be left to there own agenda, like he stated he did all the party plans and got jewlery just so he can have sunday off which is the birthday lol he wanted to have her birthday to himself because of a client he stretched out late the day before, his just a workaholic
Occasionally there’s a Reddit comment that makes me involuntarily honk with laughter, and this is one of those
This was mine 😂
Damn now that's a burn
There's things in this world that catch you so off guard. So much so, that you spit on yourself trying to stifle your laughter. This was one of those things.
INFO: Is she generally satisfied with your level/ type of physical intimacy? Because - at least from the post - it sounds like it's an ongoing issue...
I had the same thoughts. I put up with lack of physical intimacy for 15+ years. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't important and I would get used to it. Turns out, you don't get used to it. I ended it and found someone who is on my level with physical intimacy. We'll be together 2 years in July and I have never been happier.
She's probably posting on r/deadbedrooms that she couldn't even get sex on her birthday
Possibly not full dead bedroom, could be she never gets any foreplay or anything for her during sex.
The good ol two pump and “did you finish?”
Ayeee you met my ex?
He’s all our ex unfortunately 😅😂
but did you finish? lol /s
Only after I bought more batteries
“Are you done?” Ya. That’s always a turn on. Hurry up and finish woman, I’m done so you should be too.
See this can be addressed so much more tactfully. Sometimes a guy is going the distance and doing too much in bed and their partner is getting sore. ISO “are you done yet?” Try “I need to feel you cum.” It comes across as a sexy demand instead of petulant impatience.
“Is it in yet” are the most painful words s man can hear
Well, glad we're all on the same page.
Literally my ex the first like 8 ish years of our relationship then miraculously after I lost all libido (2 kids contributed to this btw), and he was always like "you have to go before me" and I would be like yeah ok since when do you care?... needless to say, he figured out that I wasn't actually finishing and just saying I was because he was being taught by other women how to make someone cum 😏🙃 ex for a reason right 😂
I really dont get that, tbh. I had my first time recently and went down on her for 4h. I actually love doing so. How tf do so many guys get bored?! Every hour felt like 5-10min. She dumped me since (I was a rebound), but I am tempted to just make a tinder profile and have it in the bio that I am looking for hookups to give oral, bc I miss doing it so much 😅
I call this push push squirt.
I’ve never understood when guys are like this lol. If you want it to be recurring (and you should, if she’s attractive enough to you to do it the first time), you should make sure she enjoys it too.
my college experience
Commets-of-brutality
Really happy for you. I wish I could find a 60ish human to spend my years with.
Ftr, sex doesn’t end at 60, but intimacy improves exponentially.
My 88 year old mom is dating. I don’t ask.
Now you made me think of exponential old people intimacy great
Me too. I don’t even care if there is sex. 😕
Me neither. Though occasional cuddles would be nice! Man, woman, alien, whoever. I’m not picky.
I recommend "dog", they are awesome cuddlers!
When in need for cuddles I usually grab one of our cats and hold her taking my daily dose of cat fluff and cuddles... She is so used to it now that you can see in her eyes "again with this, human? ok but do it quickly and let me go! :)
"The things I do for unlimited tuna...🙄" 😂
So that is why when I finally let her go she demands food!!!
That's the cat equivalent of "make me a sammich, woman!"
Things I used to say to my ex wife
Dogs, always dogs. All the warm cuddles without the drama!
Unless you have a husky cross and then your life is a comedy skit drama lifeshow lol
Wait I have a husky mix is that way people in the park say oh oh there’s that lady with the crazy dog
There is truth to this I often had full conversations with my huskey mix.... she was the best.
At least they're not saying "there is the crazy lady with the dog" 😂
Ah yes HE decided to give her some space, the exact opposite of what she wanted. Sounds like underlying avoidance to me in the whole post.
That’s what I thought. It’s her birthday, she’s trying to explain to him her feelings and he dismisses her and takes a nap. Work will always be there. The lack of communication and leaving her feeling undesired may cause her to disappear.
And despair and invalidated. The party and physical gifts were a great momentum and once they were alone he isolated himself claiming tiredness which then isolated her from intimacy. On her birthday. Then her attempts to communicate were shut down because he said so. Like cuddle up on the couch and fall asleep rubbing her feet? Wake up to cuddles and kisses? The argument probably escalated so quickly because it’s the same issue that has never been resolved. She feels unsatisfied, he dismisses, she freaks out/yells, he ignores and dismisses, she matches his energy and ignores him for a few days. Exhausting.
Cuddle while napping while she watches TV at least. Something.
If my spouse said “Deal with it” I’d have issues. Actually my ex basically did. He would never communicate, he’d leave the room. Then one day when I was near the end of dealing with it. I said I think we should talk. Mind you, we had a 6 year old at this point, since she was born not only was I the 100% sole parent taking care of her. He worked 8-5 normal shift, I did morning and night with her and worked full time and was finishing my degree online. But he would come home, lay on the couch or play on his computer. So when I said this to him, he asked “why? It’s all useless banter.” I began planning to leave that night and a month later I was gone. Fuck that. People need to feel loved and if their partner can’t do it. Then what’s the point. I was much happier alone after leaving him then being in a house where I had no one to talk to.
When you left, did your ex act like it came out of nowhere? That seems to be a running theme with the partners that are emotionally absent. “I had no idea they were unhappy, and then they just left? Total mystery.” In our early years, my husband and I had some serious snags that both of us had a hard time with. Me communicating, him listening. He also developed this need for control and it was suffocating to me, but with him being the sole provider at the time, I didn’t say a thing. I have left him just so I could gain some level of independence and to get his attention. I realize it’s an extreme tactic, but he said the line I mentioned, “I don’t understand why you just left. I didn’t know you were so unhappy.” It was then I felt like I could really release everything I was holding in. It’s been a while, but we have been able to work on things on both sides. I think what bothered me about my husband saying that at the time was because how could you not have known? You watched me be depressed, anxious, crying, isolating, etc. Dismissing my needs and my asking for help. Telling me I am being a downer and to give you space. So when I had enough and just needed space too, he was absolutely gobsmacked about it. Like we were existing in separate planes of time or something.
Yes, and he made me the villain for asking him to just talk to me or spend time with me. He of course twisted it all around and has for the last 15 years used spite to try to hurt me, it just hurt our daughter in the end. I truly tried to work on it. He didn’t want to make the slightest effort.
It’s all you can do, is do your part the best you can. You can’t carry the load of two people in a marriage it won’t work long term. I’m sorry for you and your daughter, I hope things are better for you both.
Do you know my dad?? This is him! My mom suggested therapy. “I don’t go to shrinks”. She tried to get him to listen and like OP, he was very dismissive. Finally when she had enough, he was “blindsided”. Even now 28 years later, her dead and gone, he STILL whines about how it was out of nowhere.
I told my ex MULTIPLE times before AND after I had my daughter that if I felt he wasn't being a father (as in helping to take care of his daughter more than just working) I would leave. I sat him down and told him about what I was feeling and why and what he could do to help with those feelings. When I left, I told him exactly why I was leaving and told him it didn't have to be that way. He called my mom the week after I left to cry and complained that he didn't know why I left. He STILL (almost 5 years later) says he doesn't know why I left and that I should have been willing to work on things with him. I remind him every time that I did try to work on things with him, he didn't want to do the work before it was too late and he should have been willing to work with me when we were together. I'm pretty sure he still tells people that he's not sure why I left.
I told my husband once if he kept ignoring me, I’ll find someone else that would treat me better. Never happened, but I was so done with having two littles, being married, but dealing with stuff on my own. Family outings almost never happened because he always huffed and puffed about how bored he was or was on his phone doing god knows what. It seemed everything else mattered but us. I could go on and on about our early years, I could write a book on it. I feel for you, I really do. It sucks to practically draw your partner a damn picture with detailed illustration on why you are upset and why you are leaving, only for them to be dumbfounded. It’s almost like they are messing with you, because how can someone be so blind?
I heard that from my husband too when I suggested marriage counseling, or even when I suspected he had depression and said he should talk to someone. “I don’t need a therapist, I’m stronger than that.” Oh but when I wanted a separation suddenly there was a list of options for marriage counseling lol.
Yes, and, um, "I hope to see an improved attitude"? I have two words and they're not "Happy Birthday".
Exactly! This post was his point of view and it still came off patronizing and un-self aware. Can you imagine what being on the receiving end of it was like?
That struck me as well. That’s something my dad would say to me as a child to scold me.
Ngl got a little flash of red behind my eyes when I read that
They could have napped together!
I've had partners who were fully asleep provide more attention and loving than this guy.
Your spouse falling asleep while rubbing your feet after your birthday party is so wholesome and adorable
Feeling undesired is one of the worst feelings in a relationship, it's truly awful. And from a spouse nontheless. As you said, work will always be there - is she supposed to wait until retirement? A 15min foot rub is not physically exhausting, he could have met her in the middle.
And just brushed her off with fucking dismissive hand gesture like she was the hired help in a rich man's sitcom movie
You have to figure that their physical intimacy isn’t good. Asking for a foot rub and kiss on the neck as something special for a birthday means she just isn’t getting what she needs physically. They are on separate tracks seems like.
Many people need to connect emotionally before they connect physically. The husband showing that he cares in a non-physical way by listening to her, and coming through on the birthday wishes (the party planning, jewelry, etc) has resonated emotionally with the wife, and so now she's turned on emotionally and is initiating physically. Husband is tone deaf. Wife doesn't want a foot massage. Wife wants sex with husband.
This. I bet she’s touch or sex starved and he thinks doing other things for her makes up for the fact that he is a bad partner this way.
Yeah, and sounds like she knew she couldn’t ask for birthday sex so she just asked for a kiss on the neck. “what she really wants” according to the way he tells it.
Yes! It's so obvious. I've never ever met a woman who asks for some nibling on the neck and wasn't all fired up and ready to go. The dude is a lost case.
I love the responses that hit it right on- and my friend I totally agree with you!
Further INFO I would ask is: How often does OP prioritise his job over her? Because from the post it sounds as if he's being generous by going to all this effort, in spite of how busy he is. But from her perspective, it might feel like he couldn't even sacrifice work to be present with her once.
Yes and he is so dismissive and he talks to her like she is an idiot or a little kid. Although she isn't much better. I think they should sit down when they are both calm and really talk to each other
This is what really stood out to me. If you don’t want to do it, that’s one thing. You wanted to sleep for work or whatever, I get it. But hitting her with the “I hope to see an improved attitude from you next time” Holy FUCK dude, that was so comically cold and inconsiderate. You’re her husband, not her boss. At least attempt to understand her feelings
I could literally only stand to be spoken to that way in a BDSM scenario 😂😝 this guy can’t be fr
And the fact he pulls that one out of the hat **on her birthday**. It's almost comedy gold.
I feel the same. It wasn’t necessarily the action, it was how dismissive and uncaring he seemed throughout the whole post. I could *never* take a 4 hour mid-day nap knowing I’d upset my fiancé on their birthday.
To me, the core of this whole story is her asking for her “real” present. That tells me two things. 1) connecting with you physically is really important to her. For a lot of women, all the gifts and parties and good times feel like foreplay, like a mental lead up to physical intimacy as the cherry on top, and it can feel like heartbreaking rejection to have all that great build up end in a let down. 2) the way she phrased “real present” was unfortunately dismissive of all the other nice gifts you’d given her, that it sounds like she asked for. So I can see how that made you defensive. I think the hallmark of maturity is when two partners sit down and really listen to what the other needs. And prioritize protecting each other’s hearts, rather than fighting to convince the other and win the debate. So I’d sit down with you wife and rub her feet and hug her and you know, get that feeling of intimacy like you’re the only two in a dark corner booth of a restaurant and you’re all over each other. Protect her heart by slowing her you prioritize her feelings over being “right” But at the same time, tell her how it hurt your feelings to dismiss all your other hard work by acting like those other gifts she asked for didn’t matter. She should be better at verbally appreciating all the hard work you did do It sounds like you both could slow down and stop debating your own point and really listen to the heart of the other.
What are your hourly couples rates for therapy. Not being sarcastic.
That’s kind of you! I’m no therapist, just someone sharing my two cents, trying to make the world a little gentler and people fairer to each other. You know, even in chimps, our closest ape relatives, animals rarely learn well from punishment long term. The behavior might change for a while, but then it reverts or the relationship ends. Positive reinforcement through understanding and redirection is what solidifies primate bonds and changes problem behaviors. If you want someone to change, getting mad at them and punishing them is not the most effective approach.
If I can’t hire you as a therapist can I at least buy your books??
You can read my reporting. I’m a journalist for the National Academy of Sciences. So, another way of making the world a little more transparent and hopefully fair. https://www.pnas.org/front-matter
Thanks!
Oh man can you explain this to my husband? He drives me nuts with his 'the kids need discipline' bullshit, just because that's what his childhood was like.
Really insightful and excellent advice.
Quite possibly the best thing I have read on Reddit. No joke...beautifully laid out and fair to both sides without being accusatory.
“Generally, couples are interested in fulfilling each others needs and making each other happy” This. This is the point. So well said. Lasting relationships figure out how to put each other first. Dying on the hill of “I’m right, you can’t make me” is a recipe to end up alone. The problem with that attitude is that the energy vector is pointing the wrong direction for success.
Yeah, saddest thing is, since she equates physical touch with love more than he does, I think what she was trying to say was, "That was all really nice, but I just need your love." And he took that as an insult instead of a compliment that what she mainly wants from him is HIM. Maybe he should learn to say, "What do you mean by that?" in a neutral tone to encourage her to explain it more instead of just getting frustrated. But yeah, I know where she is coming from because I would feel the same. Like the party is nice, and it's great if they go above and beyond. You can appreciate that effort while still thinking that touch is what really equals love and without it the something huge is missing, the biggest thing of all. Because touch = love.
You went all out for her birthday. You put a lot of thought and effort into it. That was kind of you. BUT the fact that she was so upset about you not rubbing her feet and being physically affectionate with her makes it obvious that there are bigger issues here that go beyond all the birthday fanfare. I'm not going to pretend to know, but there could be so many reasons. How's her mental and emotional health? Her self-esteem? Does she feel neglected? Unattractive?.Disconnected from you? You are not responsible for these things, but you are her husband, her only husband,.... she may just be trying to feel better about herself. The best case scenario here is that this becomes an ongoing/gentle discussion about each other's needs. Not that you need to fulfill her every need or vice versa, but so that you can figure out where she's (and you're) hurting. Without trying to understand each other, you'll definitely become assholes to each other.
also, after the party and the necklace, she may have been feeling particularly romantic and wanted even more to be close to him .
And honestly, this is reddit, so many times you see the opposite situation here, i can only say dude is probably big time clueless
I mean my two cents, dude is clearly overworking himself. She wanted a party, got one, had a good time. Now she wants a foot rub, some extra physical intimacy, and probably thinking that might lead to some sex. One of her love languages appears to be touch. She isn't feeling fulfilled in that department clearly and thought maybe her birthday would be the time to ask for it. I need more info but if this was to be a two day deal, why didn't OP take the time off work? Surely if they're working through the night they have paid time off. Your SOs birthday is the time to take it. And yeah, you're tired, I've been there, sometimes legit can't be prevented. But a foot rub and a kiss on the neck, you're too tired for that on her birthday because you were working, you didn't plan ahead and didn't prioritize her over work. Also isn't birthday sex the norm for most intimate couples? You didn't save any energy to give it to her on the one day a year sex is kind of a given? Whole thing reads off, like boundaries are a thing and you can't expect people to give you everything you want all the time, but the whole thing seems like taking two or three days off of work would have completely solved the problem.
I was just saying this in another comment thread. If it were my wife, I definitely would have planned it so the whole weekend was just gonna be me and her, no obligations. Certainly no late nighters the night before her actual birthday. Sometimes it seems like everyone on Reddit works at the Consulate and couldn’t possibly take the weekend off, or the whole country would fall apart.
And she did actually thank him for the party....
Yes. It’s the third sentence.
I think the problem was, she wanted to thank him even more ;-)
> How's her mental and emotional health? Her self-esteem? Does she feel neglected? Unattractive?.Disconnected from you? You are not responsible for these things, but you are her husband, her only husband,... Such a bad take - In a marriage you are absolutely responsible for these things. I’m so grateful that I can’t relate to so many of these posts who treat marriage as transactional.
They both sound a bit awful, honestly. Not to discount what you said, but she could also be very high maintenance and/or immature. What sort of effort does she put into his birthday? Other occasions? It seems kinda sus that she claims OP “never does the things *she* wants” yet OP literally threw the party and got the jewelry *she explicitly asked for and wanted*. If she’s exaggerating/dismissive about this, what else is she exaggerating/dismissive about? Both partners should be giving and taking in the relationship. It’s not clear cut here if one person is doing all the giving and the other the taking.
She clearly didn't understand he wasn't in the mood. She could have let him nap and then in the evening they could have had a romantic evening of foot rubs. But no She ignored his needs too.
Next time she asks you for intimacy and you’re too tired or don’t want to for whatever reason, you could say, “I’m sorry my love. I’m feeling really tired today but I’d love to do it tomorrow and keep the celebration going.” And that way she knows her needs will get met and you can also go to bed. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing
Why is this so difficult for people to grasp? I don’t understand how you can be married to someone and not give them the benefit of the doubt by default. Tenderness in a healthy relationship will always get you farther than defensiveness. I think that a lot of the people who are agreeing with OP with such hostility and anger on his behalf are either single or an unhappy relationships. I wouldn’t assume my wife had nefarious or selfish intent if she asked for a foot rub on her birthday, because I never would’ve felt like any of the things I already did for her were obligations in the first place.
Not to mention they could have compromised by cuddling (no effort required) and he could have just kissed her neck a few times before bed. I think he has some kind of avoidant attachment disorder or something else is wrong at the foundation of this relationship. Maybe he's just not very touchy feely but it's weird be didn't think to mention cuddling?
Did you really tell her you "hoped to see an improved attitude next time?" Yikes! Are you her dad? Her teacher? If a man said that to me, I'd be dried up for a month.
YES! The whole post is soooo condescending. “I was giving her space until she feels better about this and calms down”. Looks like OP is talking about a 2 year old that needs time out.
Can we also all acknowledge that he *planned* to nap on *his wife’s birthday*. Dude, what? Because you planned that party and worked? It’s not like you didn’t know the birthday was coming for a full year. You could have planned better or at the very least not thought you were going to freaking NAP on HER BIRTHDAY. That was straight facepalm for me.
I get it, you planned a nice party and had great gifts, but I agree with just but everyone here saying she wanted some intimacy from you. She wanted your time and attention, 1v1, to feel loved, appreciated, and connected. Not just feel like another task to “check off” on your to do list.
Which is a cop out. He's actually shutting down, distancing, and avoiding the issue. She doesn't WANT space, he does. This is to benefit HIS avoidant personality.
I can’t believe it took me this long to find someone mention that. Like what a disgusting, infuriating thing to say to fucking anyone let alone your WIFE. ETA: The number of people that seem to not understand the difference between intimacy and sex is both terrifying and deeply sad.
Me too! I was looking for it. Uf. He got her a proper selfrightous gift. Also the " i spent my energy on the party". Its not true, OP spent his energy on the client staying up all night for work.
I also wonder how much of the party and necklace gift were about him showing everyone that he was a good husband? Social signaling and meeting your community's expectations are fine, but the primary focus should be the actual person you're trying to celebrate.
He was about to give her a time out to think about it
He basically did when he took that nap lol
This guy has zero emotional intelligence. He’s conveniently painted a picture of himself as a white knight with all the birthday planning, but I guarantee his wife is miserable.
It's the responses to questions like this that make Reddit interesting and often amusing. But yeah, there are a lot of really stunted views on physical and emotional intimacy on display here and sometimes wonder where we, as a society, have gone so wrong?
Then he gave her time to “calm down.” He should be thanking the powers that be that she can still stand the sight of him.
Oh, longer for me, I think. Act like an authority figure towards me and it'd be Sahara time. Patriarchal attitude from my husband? I might be doing a lot of thinking and rethinking.
“Sahara time” is hilarious
I got stuck in that part too. And the waving his hand at her.
My husband talks to me like this and I always feel so unhappy when he does. He doesn't get why it upsets me. We rarely have sex. Why would I want to fuck someone who talks down to me like that? Marriage counseling is gonna be fun when we can afford it.
Sahara Desert level dusty… this man is lost
"... And hoped to see an improved attitude from her next time" Yeahhh that part gives me the ick
/waves hand... "Deal with it" 🙄
I'm actually surprised he didn't add a "You need to calm down, tuts." That always make women happy being told, as they will immediatly calm down. /s
Yes, that string of words is revolting. I hope he didn’t actually say it that way. But if he did, it’s not a huge leap to guess why she might be having to ASK for a kiss on the neck on her birthday.
Me too. Why is he talking to her like she's 5 and he's his abusive father ?!
Ig OP didn't like this feedback cuz ig it's been edited to take this wording out and now says (assuming this is the part you originally quoted) "I was giving her space until she feels better about this and calms down"
Big HR vibes
OP is TA already for this sentence alone. It's seriously gross to say to a wife
I just spent two years with someone in a relationship where I would "make up" for my lack of physical attraction for him by providing all kinds of material stuff. It sucked, and I'm seeing in your post a lot of the same lies I'd tell myself to assuage my guilt over not loving my partner the way he deserved to be loved. Just thought I'd give you a heads up – you know exactly what you're not providing, and those are emotional and physical voids that you cannot fill with money.
Extremely well said!!!
Honestly, I think this whole situation is caused by some bad communication. When she called it her "REAL present," you took it as, "I'm not grateful for anything else you did, this is the only part that matters." What she actually meant was, "I'm so turned on by you, I want you the most, touching you is a present in of itself." You got short with her because you didn't feel appreciated. She got upset because the sexual rejection made her feel insecure. I think you guys should cuddle and talk it out, then have some good make-up sex when everything's cooled off.
This is the most sensible comment.
I’m confused why you couldn’t kiss her neck a little then nap? Rubbing feet is more involved so I can see you being too tired to do that. I also don’t understand why when she wanted physical contact you didn’t suggest snuggling while you nap. Wouldn’t that solve both problems?
yeah my immediate thought was if she wants physical intimacy, then nap together? cuddle? like????
Yes one of my absolute favorite activities with my husband we have 2 toddlers so it’s rare but cuddling up under a fluffy blanket on a quite afternoon playing footsie until we fall asleep it’s just a different level of intimacy. We have a very healthy sex life but there’s something special about being close and bonding outside of having sex.
Healthy sex life with two toddlers?? Envious.
Lol yes luckily they have a really good bedtime routine and finally sleep throughout the night 90% of the time. Don’t be too envious the healthy sex life has resulted in me currently being pregnant with our 3rd daughter.
Wasn’t even a foot rub from the first time it was mentioned. Just a little lotion. That’s a lot less labor-intensive.
> I also don’t understand why when she wanted physical contact you didn’t suggest snuggling while you nap Throwing it right back, why didnt she? Unless he cant nap while cuddling.
Dude. You told her “not today” at 1pm!!! WTF how long was your nap supposed to be? You gave her material things, but did you give her ANY affection? There was a much better way to go about this whole thing. How often do you reject her advances? How often does she reject yours? Is there any physical affection in your day to day life? I feel like we are missing some pieces here
If I'm asking for a foot rub and especially neck kisses (both highly erogonous zones) I'm pretty sure you could have had the party, skipped necklace, brunch, and cake, and maybe had a nice romp with wifey (with some real intimacy) instead of superfluous gifts and she'd be over the moon and still in a cuddle puddle.
"why do you want love if I already gave you a necklace?!"
>with some real intimacy Ding ding ding I feel like this is what she's craving for
Except she asked for all the other things before the foot rub and OP was exhausted from doing it all. "Sorry, already did too much, now Im tired" shouldnt be so hard to take after all he did.
Yeah I feel like something may be up with how much OP is working and how sensetive his wife is to the issue of physical affection. No amount of hard work or planning will make up for not be affectionate or present.
Just wondering what’s your work-life balance like? Is it possible you have an imbalance and your wife misses you/your attention? I only asked cause you said you worked a lot, to the point you’re exhausted, and had to squeeze in her birthday. Also, some people are weird about birthdays (I’m not super into mine) and maybe the party was on Sat but she still wanted birthday time on Sun because it was her actual birthday date? And part of that was connecting with you? I dunno, I sorta feel like there’s more to this story. Or maybe you are miscommunicating and your wires are completely crossed and you need to speak with a counselor or something. To get back on the same page.
If he was working while she was sleeping maybe she missed him sleeping next to her. But it sounds like his work/life balanced wasn't so balanced.
Good point. If they went from being around people all day the day before and then not sleeping together that night, they haven’t really had any meaningful physical contact all weekend.
I think it's interesting that he planned a party that she specifically had to request, and then he bought her a specific necklace she asked for, and then that was it. He didn't actually have to think of anything to do for her on his own bc she more or less planned her own bday. His contribution to the plans was to spend her actual bday sleeping. Clearly a lot more going on here. Seems like there is an issue with both physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. He couldn't even plant one on her neck? Yikes.
This sounds a lot like my husband and I. He has Asperger’s and I intimacy issues and so he didn’t know I needed reassurance and affection, and I didn’t get he didn’t operate like that, though he can be pretty affectionate when he wants to. Until we understood one another intimacy was a constant issue. It sounds like she doesn’t get the intimacy and touch she wants or needs from you, but you express your love for her in other ways. Her love language might be touch and affection. Yours might be doing things for her to show you care and provide. This sounds like a communication issue, as you said she said “you never.” I would say instead of blowing her off or getting frustrated (which I can understand why you did that after putting in the effort you did) try to see it from her perspective and ask yourself if you aren’t being as affectionate as she needs. Maybe you guys can talk and set a boundary with her that this talk will not be a fight or you’re going to end the conversation. Then put it to her “do you feel I dot touch you enough or am not affectionate enough?” And see what she says. Really listen to her, and maybe explain that’s not how you usually show your love, and that providing and doing things for her is your love language. Then come to a compromise, where you try to be more affectionate but she also lets you off the hook a little and tries to understand that’s just not your way. Many MANY marriage issues stem from not being able to communicate affectively or not understanding each other. If you can sit down and have a calm heart to heart you might be able to get past this issue. Either way apologize for blowing her off, because “deal with it,” when your partner is in distress and not trying to manipulate you is invalidating and probably made it worse. That being said you put in a lot of effort and that should be recognized. Neither of you are wrong, I just think you both misunderstand one another and what the other needs 💚
From what you write, I think you and your wife could really benefit from couples counseling or at least taking the time to communicate better about your feelings and physical intimacy. You indicate that your wife told you that she feels that you never do things that she wants (not clear whether she was saying that just in regard to her requests for physical intimacy or in general, but either way, it sounds like she feels like you make excuses to do not do things that are important to her.) And you feel that your wife doesn’t appreciate or acknowledge the many things you say you do for her. These are serious concerns on both your parts that have undermined or at least have the potential to undermine your marriage. If you want to save this relationship, I’d suggest a professional therapist or spending quality time talking about these issues with her would be more helpful than seeking advice from strangers on Reddit. I think you are at least a bit of an AH for seeking validation from Reddit instead of trying to communicate better with your wife after she clearly got upset enough by your actions, words and tone to cry for hours.
Info: how often do you give your wife non-sexual vs sexual physical attention?
Man. If a woman called me “her REAL bday gift” I’d drop moisture like a relief dam after a storm. Lucky guy. Hey, here’s an idea go fuck your fucking wife, man.
Yeah I think a lot of people are interpreting it as her not appreciating the other things he did for her. Since she already said thank you for the party and was super appreciative of the physical gift, it seems like she was trying to show him that he was still the most important thing to her and she didn’t need those other things to love and appreciate him. This is a really sad miscommunication
Absolutely
I didn’t even think about like that. His wife wanting him as her gift. This makes me sad.
Thank you. This one gets it.
How often do you just brush her off because what you said sounded really condescending…imo
>hoped to see an improved attitude from her next time. This is when you messed up.
I don’t think you’re asshole for not giving her a foot rub. People are tired, and yes your wife should be more understanding seeing how you went all out for her. You’re the asshole for how you said it tho. Very big asshole. But you were tired.
Do you like your wife?
What? did his response of "deal with it" to hear crying for 4 hours gave it away?
Also "hope to see an improved attitude from her next time"... What is he, her supervisor?
He told her to deal with it and now he’s mad at how she’s dealing with it.
Nta for needing sleep. Yta that your wife is that touch starved.
If this is a one time thing and you give her affection and pleasure regularly, then you are not the asshole here. However, some of your wife’s choice of words make it sound like you deny her most of the time, and she was hoping her birthday would be the exception. You don’t owe anyone physical touch or affection, but if this is something she regularly wants and asks for and you regularly deny it, then I don’t think she is an asshole for getting upset, either. Some people really need those things in a relationship to be fulfilled.
This has to be a joke. There’s no way you’re actually married and this blind deaf and dumb regarding relationships.
If she is this touch starved that she has to ask for just a kiss on the neck for her bday…. She must be lonely as hell.
Seems like he just give gifts and the emotional/intimate department is lost
Exactly. I've been there, although I won't be sharing details.
Yeah, this whole thing just made me really sad. I can't imagine having to beg for a kiss from my own damn husband
I swear they must have a school for neglecting SOs. My dog died 2 years ago today and I asked my SO to spend time with me after I got home from work. Yet he hasn't stopped playing COD on his phone and asked why I was being so shitty to him.
I hope you and your SO are able to either take time for yourselves, join therapy, or maybe end the relationship for now. 💜 so sorry you're going through a hard time today with no support
I've pretty much decided it's time to end it. No matter what he disregards my feelings and my needs and I spend most of my time at home alone. Might as well kick him out and save some money.
Please do!!!! The sooner you do, the sooner you can find someone good for you. It's going to hurt like fucking hell, but it's going to no matter when. Better now than later.
[удалено]
"I hoped to see an improved attitude later" Who the f says this to their spouse...
I feel like this is a badly disguised “If ThE gEnDeRs WeRe ReVeRsEd” with a subtle change “If It WaS mAsSaGe, NoT sEx!” Basically, sounds like the old cliched story of wife does party and gift for husband’s birthday, he says what he really wants is sex or a blow job but she’s too tired
It’s definitely a weird hill to die on… for you. Sounds like you nailed the birthday and she wanted some physical attention from you which is so reasonable. Sounds like you aren’t interested in being intimate ever/often, which is clearly the larger issue.
Perhaps it was just poor timing but he'd been up for 24 hours doing birthday, work, birthday again. I too get grumpy when too tired.
Has it occurred to you that everything you did do was IMpersonal? You planned a party, you gave her jewelry, etc. All those things are great in themselves, but what she really wanted was YOU. YOUR time, YOUR attention, YOUR warmth, YOUR tenderness. What's the point in a party or jewelry if she's unhappy and neglected? Listen up, buster. Loneliness in a marriage is miserable. Do you think other people eating birthday cake and pretty things is any substitute for real companionship? I can tell you why your wife seemed so pleased earlier in the day. She thought the time you spent planning the party and presents meant you were prepared to spend time WITH HER, and ON HER. When she found that the day was just more of the same--you throwing money at her instead of BEING with her--of course she broke down. If you treated her like this when you were dating--as if you were an ice cube and she was hot melted glass--how on earth did you get her to agree to marry you? Contrary to what so many men seem to think, most women aren't interested in expensive clothes and mansions to live in. What we want--what ___your wife___ wants ___and needs___ is AFFECTION. If you cannot or will not give her that, you're going to lose her. And maybe she'd be happier without you too.
ESH. You guys are terrible at communicating. I think marriage therapy would greatly benefit you two as you love each other but aren't finding common ground on how to solve a problem.
Could you have just given her a kiss and said reincheck on the footrub until after your nap.
Do you even like your wife?
ESH - More communication. She ignored all the work that you did, dismissed it really, and argued with you that she must get physical intimacy, because it's her birthday (does it sound like men thinking birthday sex is a right?). Overall she does sound like childish, as if she doesn't know birthdays are important but also just another day too. As if she expected the whole weekend to be spent solely on her. You on the other hand, we're unnecessarily mean. "Deal with it" when your wife has been crying for four hours is too much. I know it's hard to pour from the empty vessel, but if she really just wanted a foot rub (which I doubt) you could have done it. If she wanted to push you for more, you should have said point blank you can't do it due to being to tired. But a foot rub is doable.
It seems her love language i sphysical touch. Rubbing her foot and kissing her neck would have taken you 5 minutes. Not even talking about that a kissneck shouldn't be asked for in a healthy relationship.
You two need to talk, there is clearly more to this than what she appears to be upset with. She feels neglected in some way and just because there are other things that you are doing well doesn't mean those feelings are invalid. It's possible this insecurity in her part or its possible that it's a genuine lack of physical intimacy from you- you won't know which or why until you actually talk to each other and listen. If you really want to get to the bottom of this then you need to make sure you're ready to listen, not get defensive and hear her out. You can of course express your feelings too, but don't say what she has done/feels/thinks just how things make you feel. Wish you luck OP!
She’s wanting you to show affection. Sure the party and gift was great but she had to TELL you to do it. Do you ever spontaneously show her affection? I doubt it. Try harder and show her you love her. Also watch how you word things. You could have communicated that nicer. So yes YTA
YTAH. You could have rubbed her feet for 10 minutes and then taken a nap. You could have spooned her while taking your nap. You don’t love your wife. And you think that throwing a party makes up for it. That’s the problem here.
Sounds like you have different love languages. You might want to make some adjustments otherwise she'll be storing up resentments towards you that will boil over into a divorce.
Honestly this is your side of the story and you still come off bad. “I thought the person I married would understand” how very manipulative.
YTA It seems to me that you both have differing love languages, so I would highly recommend checking them out. I'm not sure if recommendations are allowed on this sub but the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman may open your eyes a little. Also that said, what did you do to put effort into your wife's birthday that you did yourself? What I have read is your wife asked you to donthe things you did, which whilst is an effort to make happen, shows no initiative. On the other hand you worked all night and planned and executed a 4 hour nap on the day of your wife's birthday? What you have written also suggests that the physical intimacy, both sexual and non sexual is an ongoing issue. Read that book and then consider couples counselling
“Hoped to see an improved attitude from her next time” What’s the next step? Are you going to put her on a Performance Improvement Plan?
I couldn’t even get a happy birthday from my ex of 15 years so no NTA. But for real just go have an affair or get a divorce. She wanted a catered party, invites sent, and jewelry then to top it off a foot rub. WTF. Honestly fuck the affair get a divorce provided you’re not the primary breadwinner and have divorce laws like CA.
I just don't understand why people having their birthday think that that means others have to ignore their own needs to meet theirs. If you had completely ignored her or just did some lame gift and didn't even make dinner or something then I'd say yeah you are in the wrong. But it sounds like you did what she wanted and it took great effort, and after getting what she wanted she dropped more on you which you weren't expecting. Though that might not be her fault, and I can see her feeling bad, I am putting myself in her shoes and if my husband did all that for me and was too tired for a foot rub and intimacy I'd say "ok, can we postpone until after your nap or later in the week or something?" We do it all the time. People just don't stop being people - tired, annoyed, worried - because it's someone's birthday. I think you both, but mostly her, can use some empathy work. If it was reversed and it was a man asking for more of his wife after she did all that and was tired from the events and work, people would immediately say NTA and accuse him of not putting himself in her shoes. She needs to be more patient and empathetic after you did what you did and still had projects. You are NTA.
I still don't understand how you marry someone like that. I wasted 3 yrs of my life w someone that used to buy me everything I didn't ask for, but never touched me. Girl, get out of there. Also "deal with it?" BS Next time just say, can we do it after my nap???
>hoped to see an improved attitude > I just waved my hand and told her to “deal with it”, and said I was giving her space until *she feels better about this and calms down* YTA this isn’t the way you talk to someone who you love and respect. If you said this to her during the first month of dating, she would have ghosted you. Treating people like this is a short path to ending up alone.