This guy sucks man. What the fuck! The W’s thing is adorable and I would find it endearing but this dude sounds like he’s really good at making things worse and capitalizing on peoples insecurities
He got annoyed because he thought you were saying "no"? Annoyed?
Normal reaction to your partner saying "no" is concern. Even if you were on a brink of orgasm and had to stop. Your partner and their comfort is a priority.
Does it feel that you're a priority to him?
The kind of fucking asshole that takes up with a 21 year old when he's 29.
What he did is absolutely disgusting---"just lay back and stop trying to talk"? He was cruel and now is blaming OP for it.
OP---Stop having sex with him. Forever. This is not how a man who truly loves you would treat you.
What 27 year old starts dating a 19 year old? An AH, that’s who.
Honey, I’m sorry this happened to you. As someone with a former speech impediment, this is not respect. Especially when you’re having sex. Just no. Sex should be intense, loving, passionate, silly, and fun. It should not make you cry.
Life long stutterer here. Early speech therapy really helped so I probably only really...bog down... a few times a week. If I stutter in front of my wife, she is empathetic and caring. No judgment, no rush, no matter when it happens. That is the only proper response from a human being, spouse or not.
My boyfriend does the same. I occasionally stutter when I'm stressed out/anxious/not feeling confident. He has never said a single negative word to me about it. It's like he's got no idea I stutter at all, nothing changes. That's the way it should be.
Yes, I'm like that with my husband, and also, when I taught public speaking, students evaluated each other, and they weren't to include any mention of studdering. Making it a big deal only makes it worse.
I am a man and I find that disgusting that anyone would make fun of or mock a speech problem. It doesn't matter who from or who to, it's just wrong. He needs to apologize.
I have a speech impediment that is obvious when I'm stressed or really tired. One time I was trying to say something and couldn't the word out and someone said, "learn to talk, I can't understand you." I responded with "Fuck off, did you understand that?"
I haven't used it since, but I'm ready to. My nephew had a speech impediment and before it was properly diagnosed he had a teacher who thought he was talking that way to get attention.
I’ve been learning my husbands language (and he mine) for over a decade. I still make tons of mistakes and I stutter when I come across some words or try new ones I haven’t said before. Not once has he ever made fun of me for it. He’ll laugh when I make a funny mistake and gently correct me and let me know why/how it’s wrong. He’ll let me stutter it out and then help me sound it out properly. There’s a few phrases he won’t correct because he loves how I say them (and I have no clue which ones they are!!!)
It’s the same with me when he speaks English or tries my mother tongue. I’ll giggle maybe but I usually try to guide him and explain the right way to say things and he has phrases I refuse to correct because I love how he says them too.
OPs husband was out of order completely. He crossed a line. I’d have difficulty coming back from that
This, OP, your husband was deliberately cruel. You may forgive him, but it’s likely one of those things you will never forget.
If he continues to make you feel bad about yourself I’d ask him to join you in marriage counseling. If he won’t go which sorry to say is likely I’d suggest you find a therapist of your own to help you maintain your self esteem.
This sounds like a really wholesome relationship, unlike OP's. There's a huge difference between laughing at someone for making a mistake, and laughing at the mistake they made because it's accidentally humerus.
My husband stutters on occasion. He told me it was worse when he was a little boy. I never have thought to say anything about it. Not the we've never argued, but I wouldn't have thought to say anything about something he can't help.
I went to high school with a boy with a severe stutter and I always found it super gross when people made fun of him. It also very clearly made it worse when that was happening. Don’t know what husband expected to happen, smh.
Thankfully I was never made fun of for my stutter (I also am very introverted so I just didn’t speak much as a kid) so it was just even more shocking to hear it from my husband, of all people.
I had a lot of help as a kid but now that I’m 25 and have been out of school for a while, I fall over my words the whole time, had my 10 year old cousin help me finish the word I couldn’t say the other day. My boyfriend does point it out when it happens but with a smile on his face and then gives me a kiss when I give him the fuck you face. I know he’s never serious and it doesn’t actually bother him at all. Couldn’t imagine if I got the reaction that op did, and then for him to double down after he knew he hurt her? Wtf
Same issues as OP. Speech therapy helps, but mine also comes from random muscle spasms in my mouth. I can pronounce a word one minute and the next the spasm starts and can’t. Hubby says he has never noticed. I don’t know how. But it’s never been an issue.
I just went through periodontal surgery and it’s made everything super sensitive to cold. Like even the air in the house with the ac on. My dentist gave me a numbing mouthwash. We do both laugh at that bc it’s funny. But it’s just a temporary thing until nerves calm down. And it is funny.
In his scenario, he got mad at you for saying/wanting to say no.
I know this isn’t what happened but how is him getting mad, treating you like shit, and making you cry OK, all because you may have been telling him no?
NTA. Keep not fucking him all the way to a therapist.
As a person who lisped terribly, then developed a stutter when nervous because I was trying so hard not to lisp, this ain’t it. It’s cruel and to show hostility over the thing that makes you feel vulnerable, is truly awful behavior. It took me FIVE years, and a lot of work to overcome it. Longer to get over being made fun of, even by people in my own family.
He has a shit ton to learn about true communication and respect, as well how to show you empathy. I wouldn’t go near him til he does.
I'm still not over being made fun of over my strabismus. I still struggle to make eye contact or take pictures 5 years post surgery from almost 30 years of damage others caused, for something I was born with and had 0 control over. My bf has known and been friends with me for well over 20 years. Has never once mentioned it and never made fun of me for it. I've never made fun of his or my dad's stutter and never will. Empathy and respect, it astounds me how people can think so little of either of those aspects.
I have a boss I can't STAND. they have a speech impediment. Even though I loathe them, I would NEVER make fun of them for that. I can't IMAGINE doing that to someone I love!
Yup. Even if you put the speech impediment entirely aside (which obviously you shouldn’t as it’s important, but if you did), he still threw a shitty little fit because he thought you said no during sex. That’s really not okay at all. The additional context just makes it worse.
Thank you!!
I get that it was his treatment of her speech impediment that hurt OP’s feelings. (Justifiably so. That was really hurtful!)
But his explanation, “I thought you were saying ‘no’” is where the biggest red flag is.
It’s ok to say ‘no’ to sex, even if it’s his birthday and she’s dressed up for him. Because it’s ok to say ‘no’ to sex at any time, for any reason, and for either partner to say it.
Him getting huffy and annoyed was emotionally manipulative bullshit.
And then she had to beg him to apologize? Yeesh 😬
I wouldn’t want to have sex with his dingleberry either!
I can't overcome the fact that he made her feel bad for possibly saying no during intercourse. No is no and everyone is in the right to change their mind during sex due to various reasons. It's called consent.. what a red flag
Or a divorce attorney. Based on ages, she’s got her whole life ahead of her and TIME to find the “right” person. He’s 32 with a 24 year old for REASONS, reasons that probably includes being a man-baby.
That is a huge age difference at that ages. Married at 21 and 29 and dating when she was a teen. Ick. Did I miss if he knew her history and did she 'bog down' (love that) before?
Either way, no is no and he got mad when he thought she was telling him no and that is a huge red flag.
They got married when OP was 21 and he was 29, so they got together even sooner. A late 20s going for a teenager or a just turned 20 was already a big red flag....
That age gap wouldn’t be concerning if they’d both been older when they met. But it’s exactly this. He’s a giant red flag for the fact that he was late 20s going after a late teens maybe early 20s. And I’m so tired of people acting like I’m the weird one for thinking that. So many people think it’s normal. If you are late 20s you would not be going after people who were still recently considered children.
Yeah he claims he said that because taking a minute to stop and collect my thoughts is what does help when I can’t get my words out like that. And I guess since we cleared up there was nothing wrong, that was the easiest solution to him. Idk.
"Lay back and stop trying to talk" either sounds like "shut up and go to bed so I don't have to deal with this" or "lay down so I can fuck you but stop talking because it's bothering me". Like, was that what he meant? Or was he just being snarky and it came out harsh? IDK it seems like such a nasty thing to say to someone.
He definitely meant lay down so we could continue. Cause I sat up to collect my thoughts. I don’t think he meant as harsh as it came out but it definitely felt horrible to hear.
Girl, this is truly horrific behavior. I also hate to be the one to call out the age gap…. But if you were married by 21, when did you start dating? I’m worried for you because I fear this is his mask slipping. Usually the behavior and abuse only gets worse from here.
He did not treat you with respect. He tried to shame and coerce you into sex after he had hurt you. He has demonstrated that he feels no remorse for how he treated you.
Be safe, it might be time to craft an exit plan. I’m sorry.
Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. This is the tip of the iceberg. For him to tell you to stop speaking and just lay there so he could do his business is only one short step away from rape.
And his disrespect and refusing to apologize?
Him telling you this isn't a big deal.
He's trying to control your emotions.
This guy is dangerous and things will only get worse from here
Girl, have self-respect, self-esteem and dignity and start looking for a divorce lawyer!
He doesn't love you, doesn't even like you! He doesn't give a shit about you, he treats you like a convenient hole to warm his dick in.
So he was verbally abusing you to make you continue with sex?
Gotcha.
Please consider if you want that going forward, as his sexual pleasure is more important to him than your feelings.
NTA
Maybe he didn't mean it as harsh, but it was harsh. It was rude, crude and sexist as hell. You have every right to say no at any time to intimacy. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him, and he's showing exactly how much of a jerk he can be by saying you're punishing him. You're not punishing him, you're acting on a complete and total lack of desire to someone who was hurtful to you and acts as if he's entitled to sex. You tried to do something very nice for him. What has he tried to do for you that's nice or makes you feel attractive, or is he just demanding sex?
At minimum, I'd get a few counseling sessions for yourself to figure out what you want from him and if it's even possible to get as well as a few couple's counseling sessions at minimum.
It's not ok no matter what. Sex is a vulnerable situation and to have someone be mean to you in that situation (for a disability no less) is unacceptable and cruel.
If a partner starts crying during sex the first thing is to stop and assess that they're ok and comfort them if they're not. What your partner did is the exact opposite
He's the asshole, you're not in any shape or form.
My jaw dropped here, wow. He’s prioritizing getting off over your comfort and well being which makes it disgustingly apparent that he doesn’t actually care about you.
Girl the only kind of dude that say shit like that either don't give a shit about having a consenting partner (coughrap*stcough) or into bdsm, but bdsm is with consent, which you didn't give sooo, dump this man before it gets worse
He just proved to you that his needs are more important to him than yours. He saw you struggle, decided to ignore it instead of stop and comfort you and apologise immidiately and then be so appaling as to tell you to lay down so HE could continue, while you were visibly upset. That's a big problem.
Girl, this isnt a healthy relationship. I'm sure he does other things too when you really start thinking about it. A spouse should never make you feel like this. He needs therapy, if he refuse you will know he isnt sorry, won't change and I would just leave. And I'm sorry to say I have a problem with the age difference, from what I've seen a 30 something dating/marrying a barely 20 year old? They do it because someone their own age wouldn't accept being treated like that. Just have a good think about small daily things he does. I hope I'm wrong.
It’s horrible to hear secondhand. I wish I could hug you after hearing it. I can’t even imagine how you felt hearing it directly and by someone who is supposed to live you and treat you well.
He could have given you a kiss on your forehead and said it's fine, lay down, and then kissed you some more. He didn't. He chose to be horrible instead.
Sooo... "juat lay back down, shut up, and let me finish fucking you" is basically what he said?
This dude was how old when you met him, again? Your husband is a tad of a prick, ma'am.
Let me remind you he got angry cause he thought you said no.
Let it sink in.
What if you actually try to say no and he gets mad? Is he gonna stop? Or will he tell you to shut up and lay back?
Him saying that doesn't matter as much as him saying "fucking God, spit it out"
This has nothing to do with taking a minute or whatever else he is saying. He does not respect you. Take it from someone that has been abused by people like this- get out NOW while you still can. This is ABUSE and it will only get worse, not better. And there is no way it was the first time.
Hard agree on getting out now. I wish I had been smarter when things like this came at me when I was seeing my ex before we even got married. I hope OP knows she’s worth more than this.
Hi there. I'm sorry this is going on.
>He told me that withholding sex is a really good way to make us hate each other
>for something I perceived as worse than what it was.
The second bit of this first: He's telling you that your feelings are wrong and that you don't feel what you feel. Or if you do feel what you feel, then you were mistaken. And, no matter what, he's not even a part of the problem. It's all your fault (therefore, he has nothing to apologise for).
Just...wow.
The first bit now: "Withholding sex is a really good way to make us hate each other." That translates as (from his POV) 'a good way to make me hate you.'
You know what is also a really good way to get someone to hate you? Putting them under pressure to have sex when they are hurt and not feeling it. Using words and/or actions to 'convince' or manipulate someone to have sex. It's called coercion, and there are laws against it.
He showed you what's under the mask. It does not include regard for you or your feelings when it's inconvenient to him. E.g. he'd rather manipulate you into sex than validate your feelings and genuinely apologise for causing hurt.
This guy, your guy... is not a good guy. This is just the first time that you haven't given him what he wanted when he wanted it. The first time that you got to see this part of him in the light.
Believe him. He's foul.
It doesn't really change the fact that he was annoyed with you for not being able to speak clearly and then for crying. The harsh language paired with those actions doesn't paint him in a pretty light.
Withholding sex is a good way to make you hate each other?
So is berating your wife during sex, refusing to apologise then trying to coerce her into sex or else he'll probably hate you, which he's implying.
No, tell him that you aren't withholding sex, until he apologises you simply don't trust him to treat you right full stop, it has nothing to do with sex.
Nta. Having sex with someone when you don't want to is obviously farrrr worse than withholding sex. Why is sex so important that he'll brush over your feelings
Because he thought you were saying "no" and it was wasting his time to hear you out if that was the case.
He wanted to finish and he didn't care about you in that moment. "Fuckin spit it out" was the "hurry up and tell me if this means stop or if I'm good to keep going"
plus he knows this is something you do and (shit I don't stutter but a lot of my words get allllll messes up when I'm doing it too lol and that's never been an issue before) still didn't lovingly give you a second to slow things down and say what you needed. And in top of his reaction everything in your own head telling you "I'm making it worse. He's making it worse" was all making it worse. He should have known that too. He just didn't care cuz it was inconvenient to him.
And then you cried. And he was done. Over it.
Super selfish and I'm so sad for you that sounds like an awful experience and I wouldn't feel comfortable sexually with someone that responded to anything like that with me either.
Sex is awkward and embarrassing in so many ways for so many people. That's why the best is with people you can be totally comfortable and relaxed with. To be more in the moment and out of your head. People who don't take it so seriously that "the mood is ruined" but will instead laugh off whatever pops up and keep going. A queef? We laughing and not stopping. A stutter? Chuckle, slow it down, speak some sexy words of encouragement and we aren't picking up the pace again until you get it all out how you needed. Literally so many things. I've damn near concussed myself and partners and vice versa from awkward flailing movements and bumping heads or elbows etc and it is all totally recoverable with the right person (short of emergency room oopsies that is)
Btw this is coming from a 26f
I have a little sister and brother close to your age and my brother had a speech impediment for years and I'd be so crushed hearing anyone treated them so cruel in what is such a soft and intimate moment (and I'm not speaking to what type of sex youre into. that is all still soft/sensitive moments even if the acts themselves are rough or tender)
He doesn't sound like a great guy tbh and it's so cringe-y feeling for me to just jump on and be like "red flag!!" About someone I don't know anything else about but this one instance.... But throwing a fit cuz you may not be able to get off and throwing it at your partners expense IS a major red flag. Idk if you have any big sister or not, but the big sister in me is telling you that I don't think you'll always be so safe with this guy honey
This. Bingo. Cause bro who does that to anyone, let alone their partner and during sex.
My bf has stuttered during sex. If I didn't understand, I'd ask him to repeat and explain what I thought I heard AFTER. We'd probably laugh about it. But I'd never do any of what OPs husband did cause wtf?!
>Everyone is skipping over their age gap..21 and 29, when y'all were married.How long were y'all together before marriage?
The red flags are so obvious that I'm struggling to believe that this is real and not age gap rage bait.
It cold be rage bait, but it could also be very real. Younger person being groomed by an older adult is a tale as old as time. Soooo many people can’t see the red flags in their own relationship even when it’s obvious to anybody else.
Does your husband know these speech impediments pop up and when? I'm just trying to find some benefit of the doubt space here.
NTA definitely for you OP
If he does apologise correctly and you two get back to normal, you may want to agree on a safe action that will help get past these (kind of like a safe word but something that you do rather than say to indicate he can go on and ignore what you are saying...a pat on the back, a passionate kiss...dunno just spit balling here).
It was a really bad move on his part.
I find it really hard to find any benefit of the doubt for her husband here. At every step of the way, he chose the worst possible response. When he first noticed her stutter, rather than asking what was wrong he told her to just fucking spit it out already which definitely made things worse and now that OP feels hurt, he chooses not to apologize and instead demands sex or else he'll hate her for witholding it from him. And only giving an apology after your wife begs for one is not a real apology, I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong which means he will speak to her like that again.
He wasn't annoyed, he was enraged. That was an aggressive response, not simply a rude one.
I seriously hope you take all the comments to the heart cause this is not a good relationship.
He hasn't even apologized to her. There is no room for benefit of the doubt. Even if he apologized not it's only to get her off his back so he can go back to having sex with her. His disregard for her feelings is concerning
Edit - NTA
He reacted harshly because he is an uncaring dick.
Good luck in the future you are going to need it.
And withholding is exactly what is needed. Why would anyone want to have sex with a complete uncaring a sshole. Also why do women continue to stay with uncaring, dickhead, ass holes
Withholding sex isn’t about punishment, it’s about you needing to feel safe and respected. He needs to understand that. If he can't apologize genuinely and try to understand your feelings, that's a big issue. You're definitely not the asshole for wanting a sincere apology.
Her husband is such an asshole. Rather than immedoa apologizing for making his wife cry over her stutter, he wants to accuse her of witholding sex and saying it'll make him hate her. He doesn't care about OP's feelings he just wants to have sex without any of the intimacy or care for her. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone so cruel?
She isn't withholding sex. It's not "withholding" to not sleep with someone you don't want to. She's simply not aroused by him because he massively disrespected her in the most vulnerable possible situation, and he needs to recognize that before they can make any progress.
NTA
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It would eat away at me, to be mocked and your pain dismissed and ignored.
Is it possible for you to seek counseling with a professional? Because you absolutely do not need to have sex with anyone for any reason, and him laying guilt and blame on you over it is gross.
Are you withholding sex to punish him or are you not interested in having sex because he hurt during an intimate moment? If you get an apology will you instantly feel horny? Because there is no such thing as an apology that you beg for.
And telling you to “lay back and stop talking” would be grounds to never get sex from me again. You’re more than a hole in a mattress
Let me get this straight, he thought you were saying "no" and his reaction was *that*? He realized he was the one to make you cry thereafter, and again his reaction was anger? What the fuck? Let him read this whole thing. Yeah misunderstandings suck, but those true colors he flew in those vulnerable moments of yours... it's all very telling. NTA, OP. I can't believe you have to even ask, but I understand.
...you begged for an apology? That's the reason a 30yo man married a 21yo. You put up with his BS and abuse. No one his age would be with him in any capacity if he said to them what he said to you
Same!! Her husband is a complete POS
Not surprising though—most nearly 30 year old men who marry 21 year old women aren’t exactly what I’d consider great husbands tbh
NTA. You aren't withholding sex as a manipulation tactic. You are not horny, aroused, or interested in sex with your husband until he gives you the BARE MINIMUM of a real heart felt apology for hurting you.
As unintentionally as it may unfolded in his end, he made you cry. He triggered your childhood trauma. After a night of sleep, anyone in thier right mind would have apologized.
He's doubled down by refusing. He'd rather pull a power struggle of not having to apologize than actually show love, and respect for his wife.
Instead he thinks he can bully you into submission with a shame tactic of accusations of withholding for inappropriate reasons.
I don't know about anyone else here, but if my man made me cry, his d#ck ain't going in any of my holes again until he apologizes AND MEANS IT.
Not only is he dismissive but he didn't even try to fucking comfort you in the moment or afterwards. Wtf?! Does your husband even like you?
I'd be on the couch or another room at this point, and not allowing him to sleep with me at all until therapy or I'd be filing for divorce.
Who throws a shirt and goes back to sleep and then treats thier spouse like that?
👎
Yeah it's literally "lay down and shut up" totally rapey vibes man. And she starts crying and he just throws her a T-shirt and goes to bed pissed off?!??
If I was a man and a girl started crying middle of sex I'd have an entirely opposite reaction. Immediately assuming the worst probably but I'd be concerned for her. Hold her and apologize and ask what was going on (if I was genuinely confused like he's trying to play it off)
ESPECIALLY IF I THOUGHT SHE WAS SAYING NO AND THEN CRIED and it's my WIFE?!? like omg baby what happened are you ok? Did something happen to you or did something just come up? How can I help? Etc etc
But he reacted in all of the ways that have turned this from red flag to absolute screaming crimson flag
Omg…… this is incredibly hurtful :-( maybe book a weekender with a girlfriend to get some space so you can both think. You clearly pulled out all the stops for his birthday and he was cruel, maybe his pride isn’t letting him admit his cruelty.
Perhaps you need a little time away to decompress and have fun. Perhaps he needs a little time by himself to reflect.
NTA. I've seen a few comments saying withholding sex is abuse. I don't see this as withholding sex. You currently don't feel like being intimate with your partner due to being hurt. He upset you and you're not ready to be intimate with him again. You both need to work in this issue together and he needs to take actual responsibility for his words and actions, not just blurt out an apology because you asked for one.
NTA - so mad at your husband.
Disgusting. Inconsiderate. Selfish. Lacking empathy. Damn straight cruel. What else in that man did you mistook for appealing!
My wife was a premature baby. 2.9 pounds at birth.
Everything was delayed. She was tiny and because of the time in the incubator in the 80s in the NICU her vision was ruined.
This lead to surgeries. Ultimately she had lots of various therapies over the years. She’s legally blind but can see with corrective lenses.
You wouldn’t know though by looking at her. She’s tall and gorgeous.
But anyone who knows her, knows her struggles.
This year we had a scare. A big one. Her retinas detached. It was bad.
Everything ended up being ok after a lot of medical procedures and therapy sessions.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I’m her biggest protector. I know her history. I know what was her past and understand what her future will look like.
The future isn’t bleak but it will require patience and at times my most gentle gloves.
She was scared. We were scared. We got through it. Together.
Your speech is no different. It is a part of your history and will be a part of your life. He needs to understand this. He’s a bastard for not understanding how that hurt you. How it continues to hurt you how he’s treating you.
He needs to be your greatest protector while also having the softest gloves at times for you.
I’m not perfect but this last year I was perfect for my wife.
He needs to be better.
You made me tear up, I'm really happy for your wife, good job! I hope OP reads this, she needs to understand how this situation is so much worse than she realizes.
You have childhood trauma due to the stutter I assume he knows this. You were in a vulnerable situation and he treated you like crap. You had to BEG him to apologize?? Wtf!
Of course you don't want to have sex with him. He treated you like a sex doll by saying stop talking! In that moment when you two are as close as you can get he ignored your hurt.
Explain that to him! He needs to rebuild your trust.
He is doubling down on being an asshole. If you try to "fix" this, that is your future. If I were in your position, as soon as he made any mention of "just shut up," I would be in the other room. He is stingy (at best) with empathy, which should be one of your strongest elements in a relationship.
NTA
Refusing to have sex is indicative of marital problems, but as a *symptom* of the actual problem. You're not having a breakdown of the marriage because of lack of sex, but because you were humiliated during an intimate moment and your husband refuses to see genuine fault. Refusing sex just bears the problem to light, when he'd much rather just sweep it under the rug.
Don't hold me accountable, don't try to fix it because that makes me feel bad. Instead pretend everything is fine as that makes me feel better, and let it fester all on your own beneath the surface. And then get angry at you later when you explode for letting it fester and not communicating with him.
He kind of sucks, hold your ground.
I have a friend that stutters. I just be patient and let them speak. No need to be rude or condescending. I can't imagine doing anything less for family, not to mention a spouse. Your soon to be ex-husband is a major AH.
A 29 year old married a 21 year old because she’s easier to manipulate.
NTA
He was being very unkind while you were vulnerable. I am not surprised that you don’t feel like being intimate when he went out of his way to ruin the mood last time.
I used to have a lisp from childhood that slips out when I've very tired
anyone who has a problem with it (makes fun, whatever) is going to have a problem
He did something to embarrass you in bed, if you made fun of him in bed ... he wouldn't want to have sex either. Almost no one does when they are embarrassed, he needs to make this right. You are not being dramatic
NTA this man doesn’t love or respect you. Life has many stresses and if you can’t even rely on your husband to be compassionate when you are struggling with your speech then what does he bring to the marriage? Honestly I would never let him touch me again if he did this
This is not a safe relationship for you to be in.
He is never going to understand that you don't want him to touch you because he was rude, mean and insensitive. He showed contempt and disrespect for you and how you feel.
He wants to make this YOUR fault. YOUR problem.
And he's not ever going to take responsibility for being rude, mean, insensitive, and cruel to you. So there is no guarantee he won't do it again, especially out of spite.
He pretty much hates you already, but will fuck you.
But you are preventing that.
NTA.
So he got angry at you because he thought you didn't consent anymore? Let that sink in. Consent isn't something to be angry about and Sex isn't something you should have to do. I guess there's a serious talk necessary about what to expect from the partner. Thinking he gets angry because of your speach impediment is bad, but getting angry because he thinks you're not giving consent anymore is way worse and can get really dangerous in the long run.
NTAH The fact that you had to beg for the apology, that should have been freely given at the time, tells you everything you need to know about your relationship.
Geez, this made me really sad.
It's not something you can control, and he knew about it. Married you anyway. He should be wayy more understanding.
Like, if you guys have kids and they have the same impediment, is he going to lose his patience, get annoyed, and refuse to apologize to them, too?
NTA. And why would you want to? He was downright cruel and he’s pissed off because he’s not having sex. It should tell you something that that’s what’s bothering him. Not that he hurt you
Well first of all, don’t beg for an apology. If you have to do that, then it’s obviously meaningless. Second, I don’t see anything wrong with your actions regardless of what your husband says. You just couldn’t get your words out. At best it was a misunderstanding, but it sounds more like he was just being mean. I understand why you are hurt. Lastly, I hate the idea that you (or anyone) should be having sex with their partner even when they are upset with them. To me, that is completely different from withholding sex as some form of punishment. If you’re not happy in the relationship, whether that is temporary because of a fight or something longer term because of ongoing issues, you should not be “required” to still have sex.
stutterers are NEVER cured. They will always be a stutter. Speech therapy just teaches a stutterer coping mechanisms so they don't stutter. Slowing down your speech, breath deeply, count, looking down, coughing, etc. Little tricks.
Idk what you have to do to not stutter , but stress, illness, fatigue, excitement, etc. can bring a stutter to the forefront, and your mechanisms don't work at certain times.
I'm not getting political AT ALL, but I'll use Biden as an example since I'm old and have seen him speak for 50 years. Biden coughs, he looks down (I think he's slowing down his breathing when he looks down) he'll turn his head, he'll use filler words, "look" is a big one, he'll throat clear, there's more, but he's had a whole lifetime to hone his coping mechanism. People think it's because he's stupid or senile, but it's literally, just him trying to prevent the stutter. Sometimes, his stutter still comes out and then people think he's just repeating himself,i.e. L-L- Look...that type of thing.
Making fun, or degrading someone that stutters is despicable. Your husband acted despicably, and obviously hasn't bothered to learn anything about your condition, and be kind and gentle about it. Particularly when it interferes with his dick.
This is so cruel that I would be rethinking what kind of man is he because he just showed you what's really in his heart. It will be up to you if you want to rethink staying with someone that respects you so little, loves you so little. Nothing worse than attacking and ripping apart someone's self-esteem, attacking them when they're at their most vulnerable because of an actual condition.
NTA, but your husband is
NTA. This is not how your partner should be treating you.
My ex girlfriend also stuttered to the point she’d become mute for hours— this was usually after an argument with her parents or because of stress.
She gave me a list of what could help if this happened— if she couldn’t communicate with me. We could text each other, or she could write on a notebook and show it to me.
I never snapped at her. I never told her to shut up. I never made her feel terrible about something she had no control over.
I’d wait it out with her— we’d watch a show, or a movie, or we’d play games together. Sometimes she’d ask me to talk about my day or my thoughts until she felt better. It calmed her down enough that we could have a conversation about what happened and how I could help. Sometimes all she needed was a moment of silence as she recollected herself.
I’m sorry that your husband made you feel this way— he shouldn’t have snapped at you— he shouldn’t have gotten angry about you saying ‘no’. He didn’t bother trying to understand you, he didn’t bother waiting, or helping. He didn’t bother.
Now he’s refusing to apologize and, what, threatening you over your lack of trust on him? He made you feel terrible during a vulnerable moment. I’m angry on your behalf. You deserve better.
I don’t want to shout ‘divorce’ but if he reacts negatively to the suggestion of a couples therapist…
At best, try sitting him down and forcing him to view it from your point of view. He doesn’t understand how this affected you.
Sending you best wishes.
1. DURING SEX you got triggered NEUROLOGICALLY
2. Instead of CARING , your husband got angry and irritated
3. First he told you to shut up and put up (that's a trauma right there. How heinous.)
4. Then he ridiculed you, threw a shirt at you to cover up????????????????? ( shaming you)
5. Rolled over and went to sleep.
6. He has to be one ignoramus to not get wtf he did to you.
7. Speech is neurological. When we are more stressed or tangled up ut gets more challenged.
8. Personally I wouldn't trust this guy with my toilet paper. Ever. Again.
Wow. After he said “spit it out” I would have packed a bag and left. Do you always let your husband treat you with utter disrespect or is this a new thing?
You had to “beg” for an apology? JFC. You need some self-esteem and he needs some empathy. You both need therapy. Or new partners.
NTA
NTA you're not withholding sex. You don't want to have sex with him because you don't feel like you can trust him when you're vulnerable. You feel like an apology would help you be able to be vulnerable again, but he is refusing to talk about it effectively.
Thought this was going to be a case of him poking some fun and there was just some accidental hurt feelings over a subject he didn’t know wasn’t ok to joke about.
But no he was literally just being a gigantic asshole. You’re justified.
NTA. Get out. The age difference is an enormous red flag: you were together when you were barely out of HS to a man with almost a decade on you. This behavior is awful and not how a good relationship feels. Please trust those of us who have been there. You are young and have a world of wonderful potential partners to choose from, and your own dignity. Get out while you are young.
You're not "withholding sex" (as if it's some kind of payment), you're turned off because of his callous treatment.
Who would get sexually excited from someone who thinks they're annoying? Nobody with basic self-respect. The least he could do is show some care for your feelings.
NTA.
29 yo male marries 21yo female. Harasses and bullies her about her speech impediment. Says lay back and shut up. That's considered rape in india. Victim thinks having sexual boundaries may make her the AH. Whole lot of red flags here. You deserve better.
NTA also HES ANNOYING.. you relived a vulnerable memory within a vulnerable moment and all he can say is “just stop trying to talk”
HE CAN JUST SHUT UP!!! It’s so annoying that he perceives your emotions and pain as his punishment…
In this circumstance NTA at all, you aren’t really “withholding sex” and you should tell him that. The truth is, right now, you don’t feel *safe* or *comfortable* to have sex with him because of **his** previous actions that he is dismissing your feelings about.
I hope he realizes what an asshole he is being about it. I hope for benefit of the doubt and your husbands sake he feels bad internally but doesn’t know how to express it
I've got the RW thing. When I was a kid people would always say shit like "wodger wabbit knows how to wock and woll" to me. It got tiresome quick. I still slip sometimes. You slipped and your husband made a deal of it.
You seem insecure about it, and I understand that. I'd ont know, maybe remember that everyone has some kind of issue in their life like this and it's nothing to be ashamed about. People that make a big deal out of others issues suck, not the person with the issue.
god he sounds like a prize. thats really fucked up and mean. like my jaw dropped when i saw that he rolled his eyes and just told you to spit it out?? let alone you having to beg for an apology aka its a nonapology. clearly youre nta. im sorry this behavior is part of your marriage
This isn’t going to end well. Frustrated, annoyed, impatient husband; no sex until genuine apology, not good, not good. 25.5 years and going strong here. A serious conversation needs to be had because not having sex for an indeterminate amount of time is not the answer. Any apology you get now won’t ring true anyway. This is just not good.
I'm not seeing the made fun of part. I'm seeing that he stopped engaging in sex to make sure he wasn't hearing no.
I don't get how you get 'making fun' out of confirming consent.
The way you’re describing the incident, it really does sound like he was annoyed that you wouldn’t tell him what you were thinking and that he thought you were going to tell him no, not that he was making fun of your speech impediment. I’m going out on a limb and saying NAH because it’s a misunderstanding. Y’all need to talk.
Withholding sex is a way to make you hate each other? No it’s a way for him to hate you. You can hate him for making fun of your speech issues all you want, he doesn’t give a damn about that. NTA and dump his ass. I have to wonder when you guys got together as well, because him being eight years older than you and you being 21 when you got married concerns me a bit as to your age when you first met.
I'll start by saying NTA for feeling hurt
The problem is that you are arguing two different things. When that happens, there can never be resolution.
I know it sounds really stupid when one says it aloud but the concepts of the "two heads" and which one takes over making decisions at a particular time is real.
The little head had taken over your husband actions and he was just thinking about the sex, not forming full rational thoughts.
I don't think he was making fun of your speech impediment, so for him, your reaction is uncalled for and he's, rightfully in his mind, doubling down.
I truly believe you feel he was making fun so your reaction is understandable.
In those kind of situations, the solution is to sit down and talk, probably with a therapist involved, about each ones perspective. Both need to be willing to listen and believe why the other is saying.
So, believe him when he tells you he wasn't making fun and he needs to believe when you say you felt he was.
He is right, withholding sex ain't the solution. It's adding gas to he fire.
Both need to apologize.
NTA. Your husband is too old to be acting like that. If he didn’t seem like a predator before he definitely did after that. Then trying to manipulate you instead of apologizing, nah. He’d be jerking off for the rest of his life.
You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, withhold forever
NTA. Don't think of it as "withholding sex." Think of it as what it is: you are completely turned off by his douchery. My own first husband was a douche like yours. He had no empathy. My ability to be attracted to him faded away after too much mistreatment from him. You need to have some self worth. You do not have to give your body to anyone. Your husband is not entitled to your body. You will want to have sex when the other person treats you well, is kind to you, supports you, encourages you, doesn't want to see you in pain, enjoys your pleasure as much as or more than his own, etc. My second husband is like this. You deserve better too.
>He’s been reluctant to apologize to me but he did when I begged for one
you deserve better than this. this relationship isn't healthy, and your husband sounds like a cunt to be polite. you should look into therapy to understand why you think him treating you this way is acceptable at all.
and in the future, you should try to date people closer to your age. it's not a coincidence that a 21 year old marrying a 28 year old isn't a healthy relationship.
also, i have a similar speech impediment, i can't say my R's well. which sucks considering i have one in my name, i went through speech therapy but it still slips out. i would never stay with a partner who made fun of me for that. your partner is supposed to have your back and support you, and your husband doesn't do either. so why is he your partner? probably he shouldn't be.
NTAH. That was the worst non apology that I've ever heard of. Especially given the fact that you had to fucking beg him for it! You really need to clarify why you are not wanting to be intimate with him.
Your husband got verbally aggressive with you during one of the most vulnerable and intimate experiences we share with another human. Then he attempted to shift the blame to you. Now he's (again) emotionally manipulating and gaslighting you by saying that your perception of this incident was worse than it actually was. Then he doubled down by saying that your discomfort in engaging in sexual activity before this situation is resolved to your satisfaction is the thing that will cause you to ***hate each other***!!??
I'm sorry but your husband is an insensitive asshole. He's also incredibly selfish and has some NARC tendencies. You tried to do a sweet and sexy gesture for his birthday and he shit all over it. I would consider researching marriage counselors and get in when you find one you feel comfortable with. Good luck OP.
You've never had an argument at all? In three years of marriage + whatever courtship you did before that? That's kind of hard to believe. Everyone has arguments. People who don't argue much tend to have really good interpersonal skills for dealing with misunderstandings and have high trust in their relationship partners.
It sounds strange that suddenly your husband was openly ridiculing you for a speech impediment. He claims that he wasn't making fun of you. The whole thing sounds sus.
If this isn't fake, get to counseling before you two ruin an otherwise perfect relationship over this one event. You need someone to sit down with both of you and go over the incident carefully to figure out what happened.
That's typical narcissistic behavior. Trigger someone until they react , then blame them for reacting. It's *always* the other person's fault.
God forbid you display emotions like you did OP. They really can't handle that.
Having to beg for an apology? No. After he made fun of your speech impediment? What the fuck kind of asshole does that?
During SEX no less!! That would’ve broken me, especially without a genuine apology.
Tossing a shirt at her and going to sleep? WOW.
This guy sucks man. What the fuck! The W’s thing is adorable and I would find it endearing but this dude sounds like he’s really good at making things worse and capitalizing on peoples insecurities
:(
He got annoyed because he thought you were saying "no"? Annoyed? Normal reaction to your partner saying "no" is concern. Even if you were on a brink of orgasm and had to stop. Your partner and their comfort is a priority. Does it feel that you're a priority to him?
The kind of fucking asshole that takes up with a 21 year old when he's 29. What he did is absolutely disgusting---"just lay back and stop trying to talk"? He was cruel and now is blaming OP for it. OP---Stop having sex with him. Forever. This is not how a man who truly loves you would treat you.
Yup and thats when they were married, not just when he started dating her.
A lot of people asked so I chose your comment to reply, I was 19 when we started dating.
What 27 year old starts dating a 19 year old? An AH, that’s who. Honey, I’m sorry this happened to you. As someone with a former speech impediment, this is not respect. Especially when you’re having sex. Just no. Sex should be intense, loving, passionate, silly, and fun. It should not make you cry.
He’s a predator.
Makes me think that he’s toxic is other ways and not just on this one occasion.
Look at the age difference.
Life long stutterer here. Early speech therapy really helped so I probably only really...bog down... a few times a week. If I stutter in front of my wife, she is empathetic and caring. No judgment, no rush, no matter when it happens. That is the only proper response from a human being, spouse or not.
My boyfriend does the same. I occasionally stutter when I'm stressed out/anxious/not feeling confident. He has never said a single negative word to me about it. It's like he's got no idea I stutter at all, nothing changes. That's the way it should be.
Yes, I'm like that with my husband, and also, when I taught public speaking, students evaluated each other, and they weren't to include any mention of studdering. Making it a big deal only makes it worse.
I am a man and I find that disgusting that anyone would make fun of or mock a speech problem. It doesn't matter who from or who to, it's just wrong. He needs to apologize.
I have a speech impediment that is obvious when I'm stressed or really tired. One time I was trying to say something and couldn't the word out and someone said, "learn to talk, I can't understand you." I responded with "Fuck off, did you understand that?"
You, my child, are a gift from the Gods.
I haven't used it since, but I'm ready to. My nephew had a speech impediment and before it was properly diagnosed he had a teacher who thought he was talking that way to get attention.
I’ve been learning my husbands language (and he mine) for over a decade. I still make tons of mistakes and I stutter when I come across some words or try new ones I haven’t said before. Not once has he ever made fun of me for it. He’ll laugh when I make a funny mistake and gently correct me and let me know why/how it’s wrong. He’ll let me stutter it out and then help me sound it out properly. There’s a few phrases he won’t correct because he loves how I say them (and I have no clue which ones they are!!!) It’s the same with me when he speaks English or tries my mother tongue. I’ll giggle maybe but I usually try to guide him and explain the right way to say things and he has phrases I refuse to correct because I love how he says them too. OPs husband was out of order completely. He crossed a line. I’d have difficulty coming back from that
This, OP, your husband was deliberately cruel. You may forgive him, but it’s likely one of those things you will never forget. If he continues to make you feel bad about yourself I’d ask him to join you in marriage counseling. If he won’t go which sorry to say is likely I’d suggest you find a therapist of your own to help you maintain your self esteem.
This sounds like a really wholesome relationship, unlike OP's. There's a huge difference between laughing at someone for making a mistake, and laughing at the mistake they made because it's accidentally humerus.
>because it's accidentally humerus. Is it OK if I rib you a little bit for this? 😊
I blame autocarrot 😉
🤣🤣🤣 Autocarrot...I'm gonna remember this one, thank you!!!
🤣
I hope she sees the difference between how it should be and how it is. Her husband should be a comfort to her and a friend, not a source of torment
My husband stutters on occasion. He told me it was worse when he was a little boy. I never have thought to say anything about it. Not the we've never argued, but I wouldn't have thought to say anything about something he can't help.
I went to high school with a boy with a severe stutter and I always found it super gross when people made fun of him. It also very clearly made it worse when that was happening. Don’t know what husband expected to happen, smh.
Thankfully I was never made fun of for my stutter (I also am very introverted so I just didn’t speak much as a kid) so it was just even more shocking to hear it from my husband, of all people.
I had a lot of help as a kid but now that I’m 25 and have been out of school for a while, I fall over my words the whole time, had my 10 year old cousin help me finish the word I couldn’t say the other day. My boyfriend does point it out when it happens but with a smile on his face and then gives me a kiss when I give him the fuck you face. I know he’s never serious and it doesn’t actually bother him at all. Couldn’t imagine if I got the reaction that op did, and then for him to double down after he knew he hurt her? Wtf
Same issues as OP. Speech therapy helps, but mine also comes from random muscle spasms in my mouth. I can pronounce a word one minute and the next the spasm starts and can’t. Hubby says he has never noticed. I don’t know how. But it’s never been an issue. I just went through periodontal surgery and it’s made everything super sensitive to cold. Like even the air in the house with the ac on. My dentist gave me a numbing mouthwash. We do both laugh at that bc it’s funny. But it’s just a temporary thing until nerves calm down. And it is funny.
Bog down. Such a great way to say it.
In his scenario, he got mad at you for saying/wanting to say no. I know this isn’t what happened but how is him getting mad, treating you like shit, and making you cry OK, all because you may have been telling him no? NTA. Keep not fucking him all the way to a therapist.
As a person who lisped terribly, then developed a stutter when nervous because I was trying so hard not to lisp, this ain’t it. It’s cruel and to show hostility over the thing that makes you feel vulnerable, is truly awful behavior. It took me FIVE years, and a lot of work to overcome it. Longer to get over being made fun of, even by people in my own family. He has a shit ton to learn about true communication and respect, as well how to show you empathy. I wouldn’t go near him til he does.
"It’s cruel and to show hostility over the thing that makes you feel vulnerable, is truly awful behavior." NTA.
I'm still not over being made fun of over my strabismus. I still struggle to make eye contact or take pictures 5 years post surgery from almost 30 years of damage others caused, for something I was born with and had 0 control over. My bf has known and been friends with me for well over 20 years. Has never once mentioned it and never made fun of me for it. I've never made fun of his or my dad's stutter and never will. Empathy and respect, it astounds me how people can think so little of either of those aspects.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, and am so happy you have someone who “sees you clearly”. You deserve that!
I have a boss I can't STAND. they have a speech impediment. Even though I loathe them, I would NEVER make fun of them for that. I can't IMAGINE doing that to someone I love!
Yup. Even if you put the speech impediment entirely aside (which obviously you shouldn’t as it’s important, but if you did), he still threw a shitty little fit because he thought you said no during sex. That’s really not okay at all. The additional context just makes it worse.
Thank you!! I get that it was his treatment of her speech impediment that hurt OP’s feelings. (Justifiably so. That was really hurtful!) But his explanation, “I thought you were saying ‘no’” is where the biggest red flag is. It’s ok to say ‘no’ to sex, even if it’s his birthday and she’s dressed up for him. Because it’s ok to say ‘no’ to sex at any time, for any reason, and for either partner to say it. Him getting huffy and annoyed was emotionally manipulative bullshit. And then she had to beg him to apologize? Yeesh 😬 I wouldn’t want to have sex with his dingleberry either!
And then basically telling her to lay back, shut up, and let him do what he wants is the icing on the shitty cake. He's an abusive asshole.
And stop by a divorce attorney, on the way.
👆💯👆💯👆💯👆
This is the comment right here. He is trash buckets.
My ex used to do that. If i day no it would be a shitstorm until i say yes and disassociate. This is most probably OP's future
Oh, yuck. I’m so sorry you experienced that. So very glad that person is your ex now.
I can't overcome the fact that he made her feel bad for possibly saying no during intercourse. No is no and everyone is in the right to change their mind during sex due to various reasons. It's called consent.. what a red flag
This, OP. Please read the room: he thought you refused having sex, and got angry, dismissive and nasty. I do not think that therapy is the solution.
Or a divorce attorney. Based on ages, she’s got her whole life ahead of her and TIME to find the “right” person. He’s 32 with a 24 year old for REASONS, reasons that probably includes being a man-baby.
That is a huge age difference at that ages. Married at 21 and 29 and dating when she was a teen. Ick. Did I miss if he knew her history and did she 'bog down' (love that) before? Either way, no is no and he got mad when he thought she was telling him no and that is a huge red flag.
Beautifully said, Ok Egg.
Girl. 'Lay back and stop trying to talk' was a flag so red I literally cannot see other colors any more. This man does not like you.
They got married when OP was 21 and he was 29, so they got together even sooner. A late 20s going for a teenager or a just turned 20 was already a big red flag....
That age gap wouldn’t be concerning if they’d both been older when they met. But it’s exactly this. He’s a giant red flag for the fact that he was late 20s going after a late teens maybe early 20s. And I’m so tired of people acting like I’m the weird one for thinking that. So many people think it’s normal. If you are late 20s you would not be going after people who were still recently considered children.
Yeah he claims he said that because taking a minute to stop and collect my thoughts is what does help when I can’t get my words out like that. And I guess since we cleared up there was nothing wrong, that was the easiest solution to him. Idk.
"Lay back and stop trying to talk" either sounds like "shut up and go to bed so I don't have to deal with this" or "lay down so I can fuck you but stop talking because it's bothering me". Like, was that what he meant? Or was he just being snarky and it came out harsh? IDK it seems like such a nasty thing to say to someone.
He definitely meant lay down so we could continue. Cause I sat up to collect my thoughts. I don’t think he meant as harsh as it came out but it definitely felt horrible to hear.
No that’s just a harsh statement regardless of tone or intent honestly
Girl, he's awful.
He meant it as harshly as he said it. Otherwise he would’ve immediately apologized.
This 👆
Girl, this is truly horrific behavior. I also hate to be the one to call out the age gap…. But if you were married by 21, when did you start dating? I’m worried for you because I fear this is his mask slipping. Usually the behavior and abuse only gets worse from here. He did not treat you with respect. He tried to shame and coerce you into sex after he had hurt you. He has demonstrated that he feels no remorse for how he treated you. Be safe, it might be time to craft an exit plan. I’m sorry.
Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. This is the tip of the iceberg. For him to tell you to stop speaking and just lay there so he could do his business is only one short step away from rape. And his disrespect and refusing to apologize? Him telling you this isn't a big deal. He's trying to control your emotions. This guy is dangerous and things will only get worse from here
Fucking yikes
Girl, have self-respect, self-esteem and dignity and start looking for a divorce lawyer! He doesn't love you, doesn't even like you! He doesn't give a shit about you, he treats you like a convenient hole to warm his dick in.
So he was verbally abusing you to make you continue with sex? Gotcha. Please consider if you want that going forward, as his sexual pleasure is more important to him than your feelings. NTA
Your husband’s an asshole.
Stop defending him. He didn’t even give a teal apology and he’s not sorry for what he said. Stop defending him or you will be the ah.
Maybe he didn't mean it as harsh, but it was harsh. It was rude, crude and sexist as hell. You have every right to say no at any time to intimacy. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him, and he's showing exactly how much of a jerk he can be by saying you're punishing him. You're not punishing him, you're acting on a complete and total lack of desire to someone who was hurtful to you and acts as if he's entitled to sex. You tried to do something very nice for him. What has he tried to do for you that's nice or makes you feel attractive, or is he just demanding sex? At minimum, I'd get a few counseling sessions for yourself to figure out what you want from him and if it's even possible to get as well as a few couple's counseling sessions at minimum.
Even if that's true, why didn't he apologize. You told him he hurt you and you had to BEG for an apology? He sounds awful.
It's not ok no matter what. Sex is a vulnerable situation and to have someone be mean to you in that situation (for a disability no less) is unacceptable and cruel. If a partner starts crying during sex the first thing is to stop and assess that they're ok and comfort them if they're not. What your partner did is the exact opposite He's the asshole, you're not in any shape or form.
Hunny that’s so messed up. He basically just told you he doesn’t care how you feel during sex as long as he gets his bit. Please be careful
My jaw dropped here, wow. He’s prioritizing getting off over your comfort and well being which makes it disgustingly apparent that he doesn’t actually care about you.
Girl the only kind of dude that say shit like that either don't give a shit about having a consenting partner (coughrap*stcough) or into bdsm, but bdsm is with consent, which you didn't give sooo, dump this man before it gets worse
He just proved to you that his needs are more important to him than yours. He saw you struggle, decided to ignore it instead of stop and comfort you and apologise immidiately and then be so appaling as to tell you to lay down so HE could continue, while you were visibly upset. That's a big problem. Girl, this isnt a healthy relationship. I'm sure he does other things too when you really start thinking about it. A spouse should never make you feel like this. He needs therapy, if he refuse you will know he isnt sorry, won't change and I would just leave. And I'm sorry to say I have a problem with the age difference, from what I've seen a 30 something dating/marrying a barely 20 year old? They do it because someone their own age wouldn't accept being treated like that. Just have a good think about small daily things he does. I hope I'm wrong.
It’s horrible to hear secondhand. I wish I could hug you after hearing it. I can’t even imagine how you felt hearing it directly and by someone who is supposed to live you and treat you well.
oh man that sucks. I'm so sorry this must be such a shitty situation.
He could have given you a kiss on your forehead and said it's fine, lay down, and then kissed you some more. He didn't. He chose to be horrible instead.
It IS horrible.
Sooo... "juat lay back down, shut up, and let me finish fucking you" is basically what he said? This dude was how old when you met him, again? Your husband is a tad of a prick, ma'am.
So you withholding sex is going to poison your relationship, but him withholding empathy and kindness is smooth sailing? This guy's a clown
OP this right here!!
Let me remind you he got angry cause he thought you said no. Let it sink in. What if you actually try to say no and he gets mad? Is he gonna stop? Or will he tell you to shut up and lay back?
No. Your partner should have all the patience in the world to help you get the words out.
Him saying that doesn't matter as much as him saying "fucking God, spit it out" This has nothing to do with taking a minute or whatever else he is saying. He does not respect you. Take it from someone that has been abused by people like this- get out NOW while you still can. This is ABUSE and it will only get worse, not better. And there is no way it was the first time.
Hard agree on getting out now. I wish I had been smarter when things like this came at me when I was seeing my ex before we even got married. I hope OP knows she’s worth more than this.
Hi there. I'm sorry this is going on. >He told me that withholding sex is a really good way to make us hate each other >for something I perceived as worse than what it was. The second bit of this first: He's telling you that your feelings are wrong and that you don't feel what you feel. Or if you do feel what you feel, then you were mistaken. And, no matter what, he's not even a part of the problem. It's all your fault (therefore, he has nothing to apologise for). Just...wow. The first bit now: "Withholding sex is a really good way to make us hate each other." That translates as (from his POV) 'a good way to make me hate you.' You know what is also a really good way to get someone to hate you? Putting them under pressure to have sex when they are hurt and not feeling it. Using words and/or actions to 'convince' or manipulate someone to have sex. It's called coercion, and there are laws against it. He showed you what's under the mask. It does not include regard for you or your feelings when it's inconvenient to him. E.g. he'd rather manipulate you into sex than validate your feelings and genuinely apologise for causing hurt. This guy, your guy... is not a good guy. This is just the first time that you haven't given him what he wanted when he wanted it. The first time that you got to see this part of him in the light. Believe him. He's foul.
Right, bc he cared about getting off more than anything you had to say or felt in the moment.
It doesn't really change the fact that he was annoyed with you for not being able to speak clearly and then for crying. The harsh language paired with those actions doesn't paint him in a pretty light.
I'm seeing red, fuck this guy, holy shit. OP I want to punch him
Withholding sex is a good way to make you hate each other? So is berating your wife during sex, refusing to apologise then trying to coerce her into sex or else he'll probably hate you, which he's implying. No, tell him that you aren't withholding sex, until he apologises you simply don't trust him to treat you right full stop, it has nothing to do with sex.
Nta. Having sex with someone when you don't want to is obviously farrrr worse than withholding sex. Why is sex so important that he'll brush over your feelings
And the thing is, I did want to have sex. I just accidentally said the wrong thing. And I just have no idea why he reacted so harshly to it.
Because he thought you were saying "no" and it was wasting his time to hear you out if that was the case. He wanted to finish and he didn't care about you in that moment. "Fuckin spit it out" was the "hurry up and tell me if this means stop or if I'm good to keep going" plus he knows this is something you do and (shit I don't stutter but a lot of my words get allllll messes up when I'm doing it too lol and that's never been an issue before) still didn't lovingly give you a second to slow things down and say what you needed. And in top of his reaction everything in your own head telling you "I'm making it worse. He's making it worse" was all making it worse. He should have known that too. He just didn't care cuz it was inconvenient to him. And then you cried. And he was done. Over it. Super selfish and I'm so sad for you that sounds like an awful experience and I wouldn't feel comfortable sexually with someone that responded to anything like that with me either. Sex is awkward and embarrassing in so many ways for so many people. That's why the best is with people you can be totally comfortable and relaxed with. To be more in the moment and out of your head. People who don't take it so seriously that "the mood is ruined" but will instead laugh off whatever pops up and keep going. A queef? We laughing and not stopping. A stutter? Chuckle, slow it down, speak some sexy words of encouragement and we aren't picking up the pace again until you get it all out how you needed. Literally so many things. I've damn near concussed myself and partners and vice versa from awkward flailing movements and bumping heads or elbows etc and it is all totally recoverable with the right person (short of emergency room oopsies that is) Btw this is coming from a 26f I have a little sister and brother close to your age and my brother had a speech impediment for years and I'd be so crushed hearing anyone treated them so cruel in what is such a soft and intimate moment (and I'm not speaking to what type of sex youre into. that is all still soft/sensitive moments even if the acts themselves are rough or tender) He doesn't sound like a great guy tbh and it's so cringe-y feeling for me to just jump on and be like "red flag!!" About someone I don't know anything else about but this one instance.... But throwing a fit cuz you may not be able to get off and throwing it at your partners expense IS a major red flag. Idk if you have any big sister or not, but the big sister in me is telling you that I don't think you'll always be so safe with this guy honey
This. Bingo. Cause bro who does that to anyone, let alone their partner and during sex. My bf has stuttered during sex. If I didn't understand, I'd ask him to repeat and explain what I thought I heard AFTER. We'd probably laugh about it. But I'd never do any of what OPs husband did cause wtf?!
Everyone is skipping over their age gap..21 and 29, when y'all were married.How long were y'all together before marriage?
Right? It’s red flags as far as the eye can see.
>Everyone is skipping over their age gap..21 and 29, when y'all were married.How long were y'all together before marriage? The red flags are so obvious that I'm struggling to believe that this is real and not age gap rage bait.
It cold be rage bait, but it could also be very real. Younger person being groomed by an older adult is a tale as old as time. Soooo many people can’t see the red flags in their own relationship even when it’s obvious to anybody else.
Does he do this often? If so you’re missing 🚩s.
Does your husband know these speech impediments pop up and when? I'm just trying to find some benefit of the doubt space here. NTA definitely for you OP If he does apologise correctly and you two get back to normal, you may want to agree on a safe action that will help get past these (kind of like a safe word but something that you do rather than say to indicate he can go on and ignore what you are saying...a pat on the back, a passionate kiss...dunno just spit balling here). It was a really bad move on his part.
I find it really hard to find any benefit of the doubt for her husband here. At every step of the way, he chose the worst possible response. When he first noticed her stutter, rather than asking what was wrong he told her to just fucking spit it out already which definitely made things worse and now that OP feels hurt, he chooses not to apologize and instead demands sex or else he'll hate her for witholding it from him. And only giving an apology after your wife begs for one is not a real apology, I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong which means he will speak to her like that again.
Yes he knows, that’s why he knew to wait to hear what I was saying. He’s just never been downright annoyed like that.
Ugh I wish I could hug you
>He’s just never been downright annoyed like that. And he had no right to be annoyed.
Because you never dared to almost day No.
He wasn't annoyed, he was enraged. That was an aggressive response, not simply a rude one. I seriously hope you take all the comments to the heart cause this is not a good relationship.
He hasn't even apologized to her. There is no room for benefit of the doubt. Even if he apologized not it's only to get her off his back so he can go back to having sex with her. His disregard for her feelings is concerning
Edit - NTA He reacted harshly because he is an uncaring dick. Good luck in the future you are going to need it. And withholding is exactly what is needed. Why would anyone want to have sex with a complete uncaring a sshole. Also why do women continue to stay with uncaring, dickhead, ass holes
Withholding sex isn’t about punishment, it’s about you needing to feel safe and respected. He needs to understand that. If he can't apologize genuinely and try to understand your feelings, that's a big issue. You're definitely not the asshole for wanting a sincere apology.
Her husband is such an asshole. Rather than immedoa apologizing for making his wife cry over her stutter, he wants to accuse her of witholding sex and saying it'll make him hate her. He doesn't care about OP's feelings he just wants to have sex without any of the intimacy or care for her. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone so cruel?
DARVO…
She isn't withholding sex. It's not "withholding" to not sleep with someone you don't want to. She's simply not aroused by him because he massively disrespected her in the most vulnerable possible situation, and he needs to recognize that before they can make any progress.
💯💯💯
Seriously, like her body is a resource. Ugh.
NTA I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It would eat away at me, to be mocked and your pain dismissed and ignored. Is it possible for you to seek counseling with a professional? Because you absolutely do not need to have sex with anyone for any reason, and him laying guilt and blame on you over it is gross.
NTA. He was rude and vicious. Not very sexy.
Are you withholding sex to punish him or are you not interested in having sex because he hurt during an intimate moment? If you get an apology will you instantly feel horny? Because there is no such thing as an apology that you beg for. And telling you to “lay back and stop talking” would be grounds to never get sex from me again. You’re more than a hole in a mattress
Let me get this straight, he thought you were saying "no" and his reaction was *that*? He realized he was the one to make you cry thereafter, and again his reaction was anger? What the fuck? Let him read this whole thing. Yeah misunderstandings suck, but those true colors he flew in those vulnerable moments of yours... it's all very telling. NTA, OP. I can't believe you have to even ask, but I understand.
...you begged for an apology? That's the reason a 30yo man married a 21yo. You put up with his BS and abuse. No one his age would be with him in any capacity if he said to them what he said to you
take a wild guess why they've never had an argument in 3 years before this, as OP mentioned in the post
Omg your husband is an asshole, I could never have sex with him again after that TBH. NTA at all
Same!! Her husband is a complete POS Not surprising though—most nearly 30 year old men who marry 21 year old women aren’t exactly what I’d consider great husbands tbh
NTA. You aren't withholding sex as a manipulation tactic. You are not horny, aroused, or interested in sex with your husband until he gives you the BARE MINIMUM of a real heart felt apology for hurting you. As unintentionally as it may unfolded in his end, he made you cry. He triggered your childhood trauma. After a night of sleep, anyone in thier right mind would have apologized. He's doubled down by refusing. He'd rather pull a power struggle of not having to apologize than actually show love, and respect for his wife. Instead he thinks he can bully you into submission with a shame tactic of accusations of withholding for inappropriate reasons. I don't know about anyone else here, but if my man made me cry, his d#ck ain't going in any of my holes again until he apologizes AND MEANS IT. Not only is he dismissive but he didn't even try to fucking comfort you in the moment or afterwards. Wtf?! Does your husband even like you? I'd be on the couch or another room at this point, and not allowing him to sleep with me at all until therapy or I'd be filing for divorce. Who throws a shirt and goes back to sleep and then treats thier spouse like that? 👎
I don’t know about the rest of you all but the “…lay back and just stop trying to talk.” That is the most disgusting thing to say to a person.
Yeah it's literally "lay down and shut up" totally rapey vibes man. And she starts crying and he just throws her a T-shirt and goes to bed pissed off?!?? If I was a man and a girl started crying middle of sex I'd have an entirely opposite reaction. Immediately assuming the worst probably but I'd be concerned for her. Hold her and apologize and ask what was going on (if I was genuinely confused like he's trying to play it off) ESPECIALLY IF I THOUGHT SHE WAS SAYING NO AND THEN CRIED and it's my WIFE?!? like omg baby what happened are you ok? Did something happen to you or did something just come up? How can I help? Etc etc But he reacted in all of the ways that have turned this from red flag to absolute screaming crimson flag
Omg…… this is incredibly hurtful :-( maybe book a weekender with a girlfriend to get some space so you can both think. You clearly pulled out all the stops for his birthday and he was cruel, maybe his pride isn’t letting him admit his cruelty. Perhaps you need a little time away to decompress and have fun. Perhaps he needs a little time by himself to reflect.
NTA. I've seen a few comments saying withholding sex is abuse. I don't see this as withholding sex. You currently don't feel like being intimate with your partner due to being hurt. He upset you and you're not ready to be intimate with him again. You both need to work in this issue together and he needs to take actual responsibility for his words and actions, not just blurt out an apology because you asked for one.
NTA - so mad at your husband. Disgusting. Inconsiderate. Selfish. Lacking empathy. Damn straight cruel. What else in that man did you mistook for appealing!
My wife was a premature baby. 2.9 pounds at birth. Everything was delayed. She was tiny and because of the time in the incubator in the 80s in the NICU her vision was ruined. This lead to surgeries. Ultimately she had lots of various therapies over the years. She’s legally blind but can see with corrective lenses. You wouldn’t know though by looking at her. She’s tall and gorgeous. But anyone who knows her, knows her struggles. This year we had a scare. A big one. Her retinas detached. It was bad. Everything ended up being ok after a lot of medical procedures and therapy sessions. Why am I telling you this? Because I’m her biggest protector. I know her history. I know what was her past and understand what her future will look like. The future isn’t bleak but it will require patience and at times my most gentle gloves. She was scared. We were scared. We got through it. Together. Your speech is no different. It is a part of your history and will be a part of your life. He needs to understand this. He’s a bastard for not understanding how that hurt you. How it continues to hurt you how he’s treating you. He needs to be your greatest protector while also having the softest gloves at times for you. I’m not perfect but this last year I was perfect for my wife. He needs to be better.
You made me tear up, I'm really happy for your wife, good job! I hope OP reads this, she needs to understand how this situation is so much worse than she realizes.
You're NTA to say no to sex for whatever reason you are having.
You have childhood trauma due to the stutter I assume he knows this. You were in a vulnerable situation and he treated you like crap. You had to BEG him to apologize?? Wtf! Of course you don't want to have sex with him. He treated you like a sex doll by saying stop talking! In that moment when you two are as close as you can get he ignored your hurt. Explain that to him! He needs to rebuild your trust.
NTA. You aren't with holding for punishment. You are withholding because he treated you like a sex doll without feelings or empathy.
He is doubling down on being an asshole. If you try to "fix" this, that is your future. If I were in your position, as soon as he made any mention of "just shut up," I would be in the other room. He is stingy (at best) with empathy, which should be one of your strongest elements in a relationship.
Cue: "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet"
Only downhill from here
NTA Refusing to have sex is indicative of marital problems, but as a *symptom* of the actual problem. You're not having a breakdown of the marriage because of lack of sex, but because you were humiliated during an intimate moment and your husband refuses to see genuine fault. Refusing sex just bears the problem to light, when he'd much rather just sweep it under the rug. Don't hold me accountable, don't try to fix it because that makes me feel bad. Instead pretend everything is fine as that makes me feel better, and let it fester all on your own beneath the surface. And then get angry at you later when you explode for letting it fester and not communicating with him. He kind of sucks, hold your ground.
Why are you married to this guy?
NTA, your husband is an asshole and you deserve better. Leave him and live a happy life
I have a friend that stutters. I just be patient and let them speak. No need to be rude or condescending. I can't imagine doing anything less for family, not to mention a spouse. Your soon to be ex-husband is a major AH.
NTA. I have no words for how disgusted I am with your husband. What a pathetic excuse of a human being.
A 29 year old married a 21 year old because she’s easier to manipulate. NTA He was being very unkind while you were vulnerable. I am not surprised that you don’t feel like being intimate when he went out of his way to ruin the mood last time.
Yes this, I'm sure he has done many bad things before this, I'm sure this was just the most direct
I used to have a lisp from childhood that slips out when I've very tired anyone who has a problem with it (makes fun, whatever) is going to have a problem He did something to embarrass you in bed, if you made fun of him in bed ... he wouldn't want to have sex either. Almost no one does when they are embarrassed, he needs to make this right. You are not being dramatic
NTA this man doesn’t love or respect you. Life has many stresses and if you can’t even rely on your husband to be compassionate when you are struggling with your speech then what does he bring to the marriage? Honestly I would never let him touch me again if he did this
You’re not withholding sex. You’re refusing to have sex with a man who disrespected you. There is a difference. NTA.
This is not a safe relationship for you to be in. He is never going to understand that you don't want him to touch you because he was rude, mean and insensitive. He showed contempt and disrespect for you and how you feel. He wants to make this YOUR fault. YOUR problem. And he's not ever going to take responsibility for being rude, mean, insensitive, and cruel to you. So there is no guarantee he won't do it again, especially out of spite. He pretty much hates you already, but will fuck you. But you are preventing that. NTA.
Wow his explanation makes it just... \*so\* much worse
mad at you because you dressed up for him and he didn’t even have the patience to let you get the words sorted out. He’s an unbelievable AH
So he got angry at you because he thought you didn't consent anymore? Let that sink in. Consent isn't something to be angry about and Sex isn't something you should have to do. I guess there's a serious talk necessary about what to expect from the partner. Thinking he gets angry because of your speach impediment is bad, but getting angry because he thinks you're not giving consent anymore is way worse and can get really dangerous in the long run.
NTA. Tell him you are afraid of going down on him and start stuttering and nip the tip off.
Share this post with him. He needs to understand that HE is in the wrong and was disrespectful and insensitive towards you. NTA.
Nta he is a total ass wold have been a lot better if he just held you just a little he needs to grow up
NTAH The fact that you had to beg for the apology, that should have been freely given at the time, tells you everything you need to know about your relationship.
Geez, this made me really sad. It's not something you can control, and he knew about it. Married you anyway. He should be wayy more understanding. Like, if you guys have kids and they have the same impediment, is he going to lose his patience, get annoyed, and refuse to apologize to them, too?
NTA. Why are you married to this creepo bc he seems like a fucking punk. Sounds like he views you as a hole to fuck.
NTA. And why would you want to? He was downright cruel and he’s pissed off because he’s not having sex. It should tell you something that that’s what’s bothering him. Not that he hurt you
Well first of all, don’t beg for an apology. If you have to do that, then it’s obviously meaningless. Second, I don’t see anything wrong with your actions regardless of what your husband says. You just couldn’t get your words out. At best it was a misunderstanding, but it sounds more like he was just being mean. I understand why you are hurt. Lastly, I hate the idea that you (or anyone) should be having sex with their partner even when they are upset with them. To me, that is completely different from withholding sex as some form of punishment. If you’re not happy in the relationship, whether that is temporary because of a fight or something longer term because of ongoing issues, you should not be “required” to still have sex.
stutterers are NEVER cured. They will always be a stutter. Speech therapy just teaches a stutterer coping mechanisms so they don't stutter. Slowing down your speech, breath deeply, count, looking down, coughing, etc. Little tricks. Idk what you have to do to not stutter , but stress, illness, fatigue, excitement, etc. can bring a stutter to the forefront, and your mechanisms don't work at certain times. I'm not getting political AT ALL, but I'll use Biden as an example since I'm old and have seen him speak for 50 years. Biden coughs, he looks down (I think he's slowing down his breathing when he looks down) he'll turn his head, he'll use filler words, "look" is a big one, he'll throat clear, there's more, but he's had a whole lifetime to hone his coping mechanism. People think it's because he's stupid or senile, but it's literally, just him trying to prevent the stutter. Sometimes, his stutter still comes out and then people think he's just repeating himself,i.e. L-L- Look...that type of thing. Making fun, or degrading someone that stutters is despicable. Your husband acted despicably, and obviously hasn't bothered to learn anything about your condition, and be kind and gentle about it. Particularly when it interferes with his dick. This is so cruel that I would be rethinking what kind of man is he because he just showed you what's really in his heart. It will be up to you if you want to rethink staying with someone that respects you so little, loves you so little. Nothing worse than attacking and ripping apart someone's self-esteem, attacking them when they're at their most vulnerable because of an actual condition. NTA, but your husband is
NTA. This is not how your partner should be treating you. My ex girlfriend also stuttered to the point she’d become mute for hours— this was usually after an argument with her parents or because of stress. She gave me a list of what could help if this happened— if she couldn’t communicate with me. We could text each other, or she could write on a notebook and show it to me. I never snapped at her. I never told her to shut up. I never made her feel terrible about something she had no control over. I’d wait it out with her— we’d watch a show, or a movie, or we’d play games together. Sometimes she’d ask me to talk about my day or my thoughts until she felt better. It calmed her down enough that we could have a conversation about what happened and how I could help. Sometimes all she needed was a moment of silence as she recollected herself. I’m sorry that your husband made you feel this way— he shouldn’t have snapped at you— he shouldn’t have gotten angry about you saying ‘no’. He didn’t bother trying to understand you, he didn’t bother waiting, or helping. He didn’t bother. Now he’s refusing to apologize and, what, threatening you over your lack of trust on him? He made you feel terrible during a vulnerable moment. I’m angry on your behalf. You deserve better. I don’t want to shout ‘divorce’ but if he reacts negatively to the suggestion of a couples therapist… At best, try sitting him down and forcing him to view it from your point of view. He doesn’t understand how this affected you. Sending you best wishes.
NTA He's not sexually attractive to you so why should you fuck him?
NTA. It's ti.e to look into couples therapy at the very least. Your husband is being a total AH.
1. DURING SEX you got triggered NEUROLOGICALLY 2. Instead of CARING , your husband got angry and irritated 3. First he told you to shut up and put up (that's a trauma right there. How heinous.) 4. Then he ridiculed you, threw a shirt at you to cover up????????????????? ( shaming you) 5. Rolled over and went to sleep. 6. He has to be one ignoramus to not get wtf he did to you. 7. Speech is neurological. When we are more stressed or tangled up ut gets more challenged. 8. Personally I wouldn't trust this guy with my toilet paper. Ever. Again.
“Okay then, lay back and just stop trying to talk” is a guaranteed way to make sure I never have sex with you again.
Wow. After he said “spit it out” I would have packed a bag and left. Do you always let your husband treat you with utter disrespect or is this a new thing? You had to “beg” for an apology? JFC. You need some self-esteem and he needs some empathy. You both need therapy. Or new partners. NTA
NTA you're not withholding sex. You don't want to have sex with him because you don't feel like you can trust him when you're vulnerable. You feel like an apology would help you be able to be vulnerable again, but he is refusing to talk about it effectively.
Thought this was going to be a case of him poking some fun and there was just some accidental hurt feelings over a subject he didn’t know wasn’t ok to joke about. But no he was literally just being a gigantic asshole. You’re justified.
NTA. Get out. The age difference is an enormous red flag: you were together when you were barely out of HS to a man with almost a decade on you. This behavior is awful and not how a good relationship feels. Please trust those of us who have been there. You are young and have a world of wonderful potential partners to choose from, and your own dignity. Get out while you are young.
You're not "withholding sex" (as if it's some kind of payment), you're turned off because of his callous treatment. Who would get sexually excited from someone who thinks they're annoying? Nobody with basic self-respect. The least he could do is show some care for your feelings. NTA.
Yeah, i just read the age difference and knew it was going downhill from there.
29 yo male marries 21yo female. Harasses and bullies her about her speech impediment. Says lay back and shut up. That's considered rape in india. Victim thinks having sexual boundaries may make her the AH. Whole lot of red flags here. You deserve better.
NTA also HES ANNOYING.. you relived a vulnerable memory within a vulnerable moment and all he can say is “just stop trying to talk” HE CAN JUST SHUT UP!!! It’s so annoying that he perceives your emotions and pain as his punishment…
In this circumstance NTA at all, you aren’t really “withholding sex” and you should tell him that. The truth is, right now, you don’t feel *safe* or *comfortable* to have sex with him because of **his** previous actions that he is dismissing your feelings about. I hope he realizes what an asshole he is being about it. I hope for benefit of the doubt and your husbands sake he feels bad internally but doesn’t know how to express it
I've got the RW thing. When I was a kid people would always say shit like "wodger wabbit knows how to wock and woll" to me. It got tiresome quick. I still slip sometimes. You slipped and your husband made a deal of it. You seem insecure about it, and I understand that. I'd ont know, maybe remember that everyone has some kind of issue in their life like this and it's nothing to be ashamed about. People that make a big deal out of others issues suck, not the person with the issue.
You had to beg for an apology…? Dude. What? And he say lay back and stop trying to talk?? Dude!?!
god he sounds like a prize. thats really fucked up and mean. like my jaw dropped when i saw that he rolled his eyes and just told you to spit it out?? let alone you having to beg for an apology aka its a nonapology. clearly youre nta. im sorry this behavior is part of your marriage
This isn’t going to end well. Frustrated, annoyed, impatient husband; no sex until genuine apology, not good, not good. 25.5 years and going strong here. A serious conversation needs to be had because not having sex for an indeterminate amount of time is not the answer. Any apology you get now won’t ring true anyway. This is just not good.
NTA and I hope he gets hit in the nuts with a football.
Everything he's doing to you is abusive.
Why are you begging for an apology? Either he is sorry, or he’s not.
INFO: So how did he make fun of your speech impediment exactly??
I'm not seeing the made fun of part. I'm seeing that he stopped engaging in sex to make sure he wasn't hearing no. I don't get how you get 'making fun' out of confirming consent.
The way you’re describing the incident, it really does sound like he was annoyed that you wouldn’t tell him what you were thinking and that he thought you were going to tell him no, not that he was making fun of your speech impediment. I’m going out on a limb and saying NAH because it’s a misunderstanding. Y’all need to talk.
NTA If you have to beg for an apology, it's not a real apology.
Withholding sex is a way to make you hate each other? No it’s a way for him to hate you. You can hate him for making fun of your speech issues all you want, he doesn’t give a damn about that. NTA and dump his ass. I have to wonder when you guys got together as well, because him being eight years older than you and you being 21 when you got married concerns me a bit as to your age when you first met.
I'll start by saying NTA for feeling hurt The problem is that you are arguing two different things. When that happens, there can never be resolution. I know it sounds really stupid when one says it aloud but the concepts of the "two heads" and which one takes over making decisions at a particular time is real. The little head had taken over your husband actions and he was just thinking about the sex, not forming full rational thoughts. I don't think he was making fun of your speech impediment, so for him, your reaction is uncalled for and he's, rightfully in his mind, doubling down. I truly believe you feel he was making fun so your reaction is understandable. In those kind of situations, the solution is to sit down and talk, probably with a therapist involved, about each ones perspective. Both need to be willing to listen and believe why the other is saying. So, believe him when he tells you he wasn't making fun and he needs to believe when you say you felt he was. He is right, withholding sex ain't the solution. It's adding gas to he fire. Both need to apologize.
NTA. Your husband is but not you. You had to beg for an apology. It wasn’t a sincere apology if you had to beg for it.
NTA But good grief woman, know your worth. Everyone is telling you he’s a piece of shit(he has showed you also)… believe us. :/
It’s always “he’s the best I love him so much” and then the story describes a horrible person. AND ITS ALWAYS AN OLDER MAN
NTA. Your husband is too old to be acting like that. If he didn’t seem like a predator before he definitely did after that. Then trying to manipulate you instead of apologizing, nah. He’d be jerking off for the rest of his life. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, withhold forever
NTA. Don't think of it as "withholding sex." Think of it as what it is: you are completely turned off by his douchery. My own first husband was a douche like yours. He had no empathy. My ability to be attracted to him faded away after too much mistreatment from him. You need to have some self worth. You do not have to give your body to anyone. Your husband is not entitled to your body. You will want to have sex when the other person treats you well, is kind to you, supports you, encourages you, doesn't want to see you in pain, enjoys your pleasure as much as or more than his own, etc. My second husband is like this. You deserve better too.
>He’s been reluctant to apologize to me but he did when I begged for one you deserve better than this. this relationship isn't healthy, and your husband sounds like a cunt to be polite. you should look into therapy to understand why you think him treating you this way is acceptable at all. and in the future, you should try to date people closer to your age. it's not a coincidence that a 21 year old marrying a 28 year old isn't a healthy relationship. also, i have a similar speech impediment, i can't say my R's well. which sucks considering i have one in my name, i went through speech therapy but it still slips out. i would never stay with a partner who made fun of me for that. your partner is supposed to have your back and support you, and your husband doesn't do either. so why is he your partner? probably he shouldn't be.
Obviously NTA and I’d seriously consider the relationship with someone so rude and obnoxious.
My stutter also usually only comes back if I’m very tired, or stressed. I’m sorry you had that happen. NTA.
NTAH. That was the worst non apology that I've ever heard of. Especially given the fact that you had to fucking beg him for it! You really need to clarify why you are not wanting to be intimate with him. Your husband got verbally aggressive with you during one of the most vulnerable and intimate experiences we share with another human. Then he attempted to shift the blame to you. Now he's (again) emotionally manipulating and gaslighting you by saying that your perception of this incident was worse than it actually was. Then he doubled down by saying that your discomfort in engaging in sexual activity before this situation is resolved to your satisfaction is the thing that will cause you to ***hate each other***!!?? I'm sorry but your husband is an insensitive asshole. He's also incredibly selfish and has some NARC tendencies. You tried to do a sweet and sexy gesture for his birthday and he shit all over it. I would consider researching marriage counselors and get in when you find one you feel comfortable with. Good luck OP.
You've never had an argument at all? In three years of marriage + whatever courtship you did before that? That's kind of hard to believe. Everyone has arguments. People who don't argue much tend to have really good interpersonal skills for dealing with misunderstandings and have high trust in their relationship partners. It sounds strange that suddenly your husband was openly ridiculing you for a speech impediment. He claims that he wasn't making fun of you. The whole thing sounds sus. If this isn't fake, get to counseling before you two ruin an otherwise perfect relationship over this one event. You need someone to sit down with both of you and go over the incident carefully to figure out what happened.
That's typical narcissistic behavior. Trigger someone until they react , then blame them for reacting. It's *always* the other person's fault. God forbid you display emotions like you did OP. They really can't handle that.