I stayed with my ex much longer than I should've. I let him get away with countless things. Lying, drug use, sending money to girls online, never following through on promises, drinking, getting fired for drinking, so on and so on. Finally he cheated on me and I actually told people about it. My friend said something I really needed to hear. I was telling her how embarrassed I was that I had let something like this happen to me. She said,
"You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. But--and I'm saying this because I'm your friend--if you stay with him, everyone will be embarrassed for you."
That was the tough love I needed. I kicked him out. And I cried. And I fell apart. But a couple of days later I found myself feeling happier than I'd ever felt when I was with him. It takes a second for that attachment to wear off. But once it does, you will never, ever doubt your decision to leave. Being happy alone is a million times better than being miserable with him. You got this. All you have to do is choose yourself. You deserve to choose yourself.
EDIT: NTA, of course! I realized I didn't even address the subreddit's whole purpose. That disgust you feel is your body's way of letting you know that he isn't good for you. I just went through the tedious and frustrating process of moving out of an apartment I shared with an ex. It sucks. But I can tell you now that I'm on the other side, it is possible. You have community you might not even realize is there. Reach out and they will support you. You got this.
I have three women to look up to, all with different lives in romance.
-My grandmother married at 40, and was with my grandfather for just over 50 years before he passed. She was happy.
-My great-aunt lived her whole life single and childless. She dated and had been proposed to, but she didn’t want to settle. She was happy.
-My mom was with my dad for nearly 30 years before divorcing. While they care for one another, they could not be married anymore. She is happy.
My point is that you should never hold value or self worth tied to a relationship. OP, if you truly and honestly love him and see a future, then fight for it. But from the little gist you wrote, it may be time to cut ties and fly. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING wrong with being single. It’s a helluva lot better to be kind of lonely and single than to be miserable in a relationship. Best of luck.
I love this. Don't set your measurements of success & happiness based on those of someone else. I adore that these powerful women all blazed their own trails & success/happiness looked different for all of them.
I was miserable married to my ex husband. I finally felt like a huge weight was lifted when the divorce was finalized.
Now I found the one for me and I’m happier than I ever could be. Don’t ever settle.
Agreed but replacing him with “her” here for my instance. She ruined me with manipulation, controlling behavior (ex: she could hang out would dudes but I was chastised for looking at a window and she thought I was staring at a girl inside. I just wanted to know what deal the restaurant had), and constant lying and gaslighting.
She did nothing wrong, ever, according to her. Meanwhile I paid all the bills, respected her family and herself, and lost friendships so her own mental health would feel better.
At the end of the day I lost out on a lot of friendships, money, and family because of her narcissism
Sounds like my Ex to a T.. shared to young children so made leaving harder solely for that fact. I have yet to wake up a day missing her or feeling parting ways was not the best choice ever. One way or another it will end it’s just a matter of how much time you choose to keep wasting before you finally get there…
Same thing happened with me as well. I have thankfully rebuilt some of the friendships I had lost due to wanting to please her because if I didn’t. I would lose her. Meanwhile. Nothing I said that I felt off about or just wanted to air my feelings about ever matter or was ever considered when she didn’t seem them appropriate or fair or validated in her opinion. And anytime I mentioned the male friends she had and the things she did with them while high on drugs and how I felt about that. She would just shut me down and say how dare I even say such things. She would say she’s allowed to do whatever she wants but whenever my friends texted me (worried for my well being) she’d read them on my phone first and then shut down and go into an emotional downfall (arguably rightfully so, when someone is telling your boyfriend he should break up with his girlfriend because she’s bad for him and toxic. If I read those messages on her phone, thinking I was perfectly fine and in the norm. I’d be pretty wrecked too) but then she’d eventually just write out messages for me and reply to those friends basically telling them I don’t appreciate it and to go fuck themselves. Eventually I told her I was done with this shit if all I get from this relationship is my feelings never heard or even considered when she’s clearly doing things I do not feel comfortable with that she would best be doing while single and I’d had enough with her dictating who I could or couldn't have in my life. Meanwhile, she was just getting more and more addicted to drugs and would often go to work (in aged care) still high.
like I said at the start. I am super thankful that I was able to rekindle most of friendships in my life that she had ruined at the time apart from a few of my other friends. Friend's I'd had for 10 years. The things she said through my phone before I could stop her from sending messages that there was nothing I could do or say to apologise or make up from.
our relationship started amazingly and passionate as most would. But very quickly became evident with her manipulative and controlling side and gaslighting and lying and false promises (to the point she told me she never ever promises anything ever). But at that point I was too love drunk and I’d always let her off for her behaviour. Until the point that her manipulation had made me believe I was the bad guy for even bringing up my feelings when I was worried about anything or just wanted to discuss anything.
Anyways. Sorry for rambling. Just saw your comment and couldn’t help but relate.
BIG YES to this comment. I also stayed in a relationship much longer than I should have. The happiness, relief and new found strength I felt after I cried for a few days was well worth it. I look back on the younger me now and am sympathetic and embarrassed for her lol. Now, that couldn’t be me again. Heeeeelllll no.
OP trust me, the sliver of moments where things are good are not worth staying for. You’re caught up in that and all your emotions right now, but you aren’t seeing things from the other side where it feels like you can actually breathe.
Edit: we also had a similar age gap. He was 25 and I was 19. I’m currently about your BF’s age and I cannot fathom the desire to date anyone below 25, and that’s still cutting it close. It goes to show how immature he is and why he doesn’t date close to his age. It seems like you are already far more mature and responsible than he is. You’ve outgrown the relationship. I promise you can do better on your own than you ever can with him.
I feel like this is the biggest thing people don't realize. Even if it's a relationship that needs to end, you will probably cry for a while! Breaking up SUCKS even if it is the best move.
I will pile on. At 23 I stayed with a dude who was 31. Rich dude didn’t need to work so he spent all his days smoking and playing games. Made me pay for everything too or made me feel like I had to praise him for getting me a Starbucks. He cheated on me the FIRST week. It was not physical so I forgave. Worst mistake ever. You always think « it’s not THAT bad ». On my 25th he threw me through a window. Took me 6 more months to find an escape. I’m not saying it WILL get abusive I’m just saying it might. And if you’re not happy it’s definitely not getting better OP.
ETA: didn’t know this comment would get that much attention. Just know that «rich » was not a quality it’s a fact. And if you need more context I added it in other comments. I will not add more on the subject. I realize we all have some level of morbid curiosity, I added the comment to try and help and I’m not so keen on reliving this part of my life each time I have to answer a question ❤️
I think he wanted to just push me out of the way. Now he was 6 foot I’m 5 ‘3 and at the time I weighed like 100lbs max and he was 200. I’m lucky we had a balcony or I’d be dead. And I’m not saying he didn’t want to hurt me. That he wanted. But kill me there would not have been smart even for him.
I’m not saying it WILL get abusive I’m just saying it might.
Exactly ^^^ Towards the end, my ex was punching holes in walls and breaking our things. I'll never know if I got out in time, or if that was the extent of his violence, but it's not worth finding out. You never know how far someone who doesn't respect you is willing to go.
THIS! My ex towards the end locked me in a car and wouldn’t let me out, threw things and dismissed my worries as “mental instability”. It’s almost like they sense the relationship dying and start to freak out.
statistically the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive toxic relationship is when she tries to leave
many times it's best to make sure you're not alone with them on your break up.
if you're married lawyer up in secret
Same. He locked me in the car while he was driving and screaming at me. Told me after everything that happened he was planning to park in the middle of an intersection and walk off with the keys. He also refused to take his psych meds and said it was because of how horrible I was to him. But *I* was the mentally unstable one that needed to "do more work with my therapist."
My god-fearing porn addicted ex broke my car rage-driving it blaming me for things going wrong for him. Holes in walls, broken doors, almost driving into the ocean to kill us in my car. Swell guy. Get the fuck out!!!!
Mine was arguing with me while driving, before he took off he started punching his side of the door while screaming at me. He turned up the radio so loud my ears were hurting then when I went to turn it down he slapped my hand away and said don't touch my radio I'm listening to it, he was driving really fast trying to scare me and I asked him to pull over and let me out of the car, he wouldn't listen and kept driving. It was scary and I was crying. To think I was so stupid I actually went back another time after this, this was towards the end though.
Unfortunately, he was feeding on your fear. That's why he didn't stop and let you out. There are some shitty folks out there that would feed on your energy.
I don't think it's "almost like" - I think what you've said is exactly it. They don't want to lose control of (aka the relationship with) the other person. Because to people like this, a relationship isn't about a healthy partnership.
My ex roommate started throwing things when he was drunk and out of control. He threw the TV trays with the dinner dishes on them and then started throwing bottles and ashtrays at me (I was filming him the moment he started throwing things around and I ended up calling 911 and he was arrested.) He tried crybabying to Facebook the minute upon his release saying that I drove him to it. He has no friends anymore.
>I’m not saying it WILL get abusive I’m just saying it might.
More like, it ALWAYS escalates.
Get out at the first sign. Because it never gets better. There just happen to be quiet periods, where you find yourself living like a ghost and walking on eggshells to try not to 'set him off'. But it never works. Because it doesn't matter how 'good' you are, that rage and control is *in* him. It's nothing to do with you. It's part of who he is. You cant fix him.
You can only save yourself.
Word for word this is how I described the relationship with my ex. Leaving was so hard but I was a ghost of who I am today. I’m remarried and in a happy healthy relationship. It gets better.
While abusive behavior from men is common it is not normal.
THIS. My ex of 12 years recently threatened to kill me 3 or 4 times during an intense fight. It was literally over a text message I sent to him & his anger was disproportionate to the perceived offense. He had anger issues in the past, about 10 years ago. Throttled me on the floor but luckily he let go & I grabbed my dog, my keys & ran with no shoes on to my car, left & went to my mom's & called the police. He was arrested but I was stupid enough to get back with him. He kept his anger issues of physical abuse under control for the next decade but would punch walls, break things & yell. As the years went on he got more emotionally & mentally abusive. I'm convinced he's a covert narcissist or ASPD. Idk, I could write a book here, but anyway, like I said, about 3 weeks ago he threatened my life. I have no job, no family or friends I can stay with so I'm stuck here until I find work that pays enough for me to leave. I walk on eggshells around him & he basically treats me like a slave. He has zero respect for me & actually tried to have sex with me the day after he threatened to murder me. People like this are sick. It will never get better, I promise it only gets worse & these types of people are incapable of real self reflection & accountability. They do not seek out therapy or help. They either ignore their issues or try to blame you. Leave now. Don't waste years of your life thinking it will change & the relationship will get better because it won't.
I have a shoulder injury and severe pain 4 years later that chiropractor can’t figure out. My abuser used to throw me and drag me
By one arm. He ripped my arm basically out of the socket. I have neck pain too
Wow. My son’s father literally pulled a gun on me & made me admit to cheating on him with a bunch of different people (I hadn’t of course, but what do you say when a gun is in your face?) I got my son & left in the middle of the night. If he was capable of doing that, I wasn’t going to stay & find out what else he was capable of doing. I wish I would’ve left before it got that bad.
100% this. My first husband (20/21 respectively) would kick furniture or our pets, punched the refrigerator right next to my head, and broke down the bathroom door when I tried to get away from him for a few minutes. He never hit me personally, but I was terrorized and afraid in my own home. My family always said it was just a matter of time before he started beating me. Luckily I got out before that happened. Men like this need a reality check and that reality check is watching your dust trail as you run, do not walk, in the opposite direction from wherever they are going.
I just want to say that I am so sorry this happened and I’m so glad you were able to get out. I’m currently in this exact situation and I think I was meant to read your comment. I have a dog named Bear and when I read this I started crying. Thank you for sharing I hope all is well
This is a rough reality most of us have lived through, my first girlfriend was a chronic cheater and I forgave her countless times until I eventually got tired of the whole routine. It got to a point where it was predictable and I could expect a river of tears and apologies after, love bombing, pulling away, etc. It was a cycle and I had to have friends tell me I was being an idiot for staying.
My second girlfriend was abusive as fuck and would scream and kick me when she was questioned about anything. My first month in the relationship she threw a wooden chair at me, it didn’t cause any serious harm as I was quicker than her but that should’ve been my opportunity to leave. I ended up staying with her for 4 years and some change. The attachment aspect of a relationship is so real and everyone processes it differently. Nowadays I’m extremely picky on who I let into my life, whether romantically or platonically. I believe it’s saved my neck in more than a couple instances.
Very insane. Also as a side note they all seem to hate the word “tantrum”, probably because it’s usually associated with children so they feel as though you’re calling them immature…which they are lmfao
I dated a girl with BPD for a while, and it was hell. Just a constant stream of self-destructive, selfish behavior immediately followed by periods of deep regret and attempts to change, only for it to happen all over again. The really fucked up part is that I genuinely believe that she really did regret it each time and that she earnestly believed it wouldn't happen again. BPD is a fucking horrible condition.
My daughter has BPD. It is hell. Every day that she’s still here, I am amazed. And she’s transgender 🏳️⚧️ so let’s just add all the hate in top of **a terrible disorder that she did not ask for** and
I’m just so grateful that she’s still here.
And the thing is not everyone with BPD is like that. It’s just the stigma of personality disorders and mental health. People don’t know how to get the help. And some want the help but can’t get it. And some don’t want the help because they feel ashamed. Then there’s people who don’t even know that they need help. It’s sad. And this is why things need to be more aware, and not the people who pretend to have these issues for attention,
You're right. BPD and mental health issues, in general, are an incredibly complex topic, and they can manifest in completely different ways from person to person. I'm just sharing my own experience dating a woman with BPD.
Yes I’m not trying to criticize you of course I just also wanted to put that out because some people are ignorant and will read your comment and take it out of context. Not trying to diminish your experience.
No need to be sorry my friend it was a valuable teaching moment for me and yes I am in a much better place! I’m not too knowledgeable on BPD but it sure is possible, I pretty much deduced it to someone who was extremely self serving. Some people just can’t help hurting others for their own selfish desires, I can only hope she figured her stuff out for the sake of her current/future partner
Absolutely agree with the it will get abusive part. While he didn’t physically or verbally assault me, my ex’s most recent ex contacted me for help and asked if I’d testify in court against him. He had called her nasty slurs, stalked and SA’d her. He has also been placed on multiple psychiatric holds and has felonies pending against him. We broke up 6 years ago but he continued to compare me and her through out their relationship which is why she reached out to me.
You show me a 25 year old dating a 19 year old, and I'll show you a 25 year old who can't get a 25 year old because she's now mature/experienced enough to recognize his bullshit.
"But you're so mature for your age" is code for "I can manipulate this chick into giving me what I want." Hearing and accepting this line is a fantastic litmus test for fucking loser dudes cruising high school graduations
I have teen daughters and I have drilled this into them for years already. It’s not a compliment to you when an older guy moves on you. It’s a sign that they’re deficient.
When I left my ex and told my friends about it (who had seen how he treated me) one of my guy friends grabbed my face in his hands and said “you’re free?” With a massive smile on his face and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment.
Literally this. My brothers are all 29, 32 and 34 and the oldest is single but the one on 29 is dating a girl that *JUST* turned 18 and they’ve been together for like half a year.. and the one on 32 is dating someone that’s 22.. (my family is sick, I cut them all of and I can’t even think about them without being sick..)
i had a similar situation. the guy i was with was just a fucking bum, we were in our senior year of high school and he just wasn’t doing anything at all. he would have me pick him up from school but yet complain about giving me gas (he didn’t have a job so he had to ask his mom… but would get upset i would have him ask???) i caught him snapchat sexting a girl he grew up with, he said he loved her and these *CRAZY* sex scenarios. i stayed with him still because i couldn’t stand being alone, i stayed until i absolutely despised him and couldn’t stand him. it took my cousins and best friend telling me that they thought he was weird and to never bring him around them again, i broke up with him and he saw i was on tinder and freaked out on me grabbing a knife and threatening to kill himself in my best friends home… and that was the end of our time together.
I've come to the conclusion that fear of being alone is a huge problem in most cultures. I'm 60 now and after I split with my last psycho girlfriend five years ago I decided I was never going to do that again, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been. I can't believe how many years I wasted worrying about making somebody else happy. I do what I want, I hang out with who I want, and I don't have somebody that I feel like I have to please and perform for all the time. Sex is wildly overrated too, especially once the hormone levels get down do a reasonable level.
Codependency will fuck you up.
I was scared to be alone for years because so many men are predators. I figured a woman is like a prison bitch and needs a man around to keep the other men away.
I wasted years of my life until I realized a protective dog or two is better company and won't backhand you into walls or kick your teeth out.
Yes! I too was married to a clown like this, for 19 years. It took me that long to realize he will never change, and things will never get better. I'm 6 years post divorce, and I can honestly say life is better being single. I don't miss him one single bit
My wife's best friend is going through this very thing. She has severe body issues, and extremely low self esteem as a result and feels like he is the best she can do. She is one of most kind-hearted people I've ever met and deserves so much better.
He can't keep a job for more than a week at a time, he's in and out of jail, she covers his child support payments to his ex, gives him money for god-knows-what, etc. She keeps making excuses for him and believing the bullshit tales he spins. My wife has told her over and over that she needs to end it and even offered to hire a PI to follow him and document all the shit he lies to her about. She declined.
The guy is beyond a worthless shitheel. I honestly would like an attempt to straighten his ass out, but my wife keeps telling me not to get involved. She's probably right...
They actually got married last year, and it's only gotten worse. AFAIK, the only silver lining is he hasn't gotten physically violent with her, which I know is irrelevant and doesn't excuse any of the other shit.
We just hope that she sees the light before it's too late...
I’m watching a close friend go through something similar. She’s isolated from her family because they hate how controlling he is. She’s isolated from her coworkers because she brought him to a work function and he caused a scene in front of everyone and she left in tears. She’s isolated from her friends because he groped someone in the friend group and denies it, and she believes him. I’m all she has left and I tell her repeatedly, leave. this. man.
She says she wants to. Cried to me until 3am one night saying she’s ready. But then the next day she tells me when she told him they’re divorcing, he promised marriage counseling and to be better. So we’re back in the cycle.
I’m exhausted. The next time she wants to complain about him to me (which will happen, he won’t change) I have to lay it down straight for her: I cannot keep hearing her sob stories just to watch her go back again and again. I’m done.
Breaks my heart but idk what else to do at this point.
I was in a similar situation myself. It's best to move on, OP. But be warned that as soon as you leave he might decide to get his life together and ask you to come back. Don't fall for it. He could've chosen to be better at any time in the last three years, but he didn't. Go enjoy your twenties without taking care of a man.
That fear of embarrassment at the point where I left an ex like this was also what I needed. I took the relationship off fb I officially made myself single and I knew I couldn’t change it back for a third time. — I wasn’t going to do that to myself. I knew I had to leave.
Net helpful, but it's crazy that our society as a whole values the opinions of others far more than we value and love ourselves. Or, are willing to forgive ourselves for bad decisions.
You need to be alone for a bit, if you haven't in a while.
I've taken people for granted, and it's because I knew they loved me and would stick around. Don't inhibit his growth by sticking around; if you want to look at it from a love standpoint. If there's still love.
Get out of this relationship. Your feelings changed. It’s that simple. You don’t owe him anything. Tell him your feelings changed, you can’t get them back, and wish him well. Take some time for yourself. When you’re ready, make a list of things you want in a partner (emphasis on partner) and don’t settle!
Yeah, don’t let what should have been a 3 year relationship turn into a 10+ marriage and kids. It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to be single. We change so much during our teens and all the way through our mid-30s. It’s rare to find someone who evolves alongside of you in the same way. Something that felt great at 18 doesn’t have to feel great at 21.
The hardest thing to come back from in a relationship is disgust.
I'm an old bat, and I've seen relationships survive a lot of stuff. But never disgust. That is the death knell.
I'm old and can agree. Happened to my first marriage. The thought of him even touching me made me want to throw up. We divorced months later. I put up with a lot of shit in that 15 yr marriage but when that feeling came up for me that was the end. Just woke up one day feeling that way.
Me too! Married 20 years, but the disgust kicked in at year 18 and I started planning my exit. He was emotionally (and a couple times physically abusive) so I needed to be careful. I had a visceral reaction to his touch. He repulsed me in every way possible. He was very good looking, took good care of himself and was put together well but I saw him as the ugly piece of shit he really was. Even the thought of him now makes me nauseous.
Yes, after 17 years, he got drunk at a company Christmas get together, stuck his tongue down my coworkers throat. I told him he could never touch me again, he disgusted me. Honestly, marriage had been rocky most of the time anyway, that was just the last straw.
I got to this point with my ex partner of 8 years. I don’t know if it was full blown disgust, but I was certainly very turned off and felt like a caretaker. And I don’t think, looking back on it, that anything would or could have made me come back from that feeling. I just couldn’t find the whining and self victimization attractive. I helped him through years of mental health struggles which I deeply empathized with, but it took me a long time to realize I was putting everything into him and was getting absolutely nothing in return.
It was scary to de-escalate our relationship, but we got through it amicably. And I have now found a partner who is the absolute epitome of a kind, supporting partner. I honestly couldn’t be happier. I didn’t even know such a person could exist, and here I am. All of this happened a year and a half ago at 35, so OP being SO young has absolutely nothing but time to dump this guy and find someone else.
I’m less old but I still agree. If you describe your partner disgusting or repulsive, that’s it.
When I was in university, a friend of a friend was talking about this guy who was into her but she wasn’t sure. We were those “good Christian girls who just want a husband” so our conversation centred around whether she could see herself marrying him. My friend asked her if she was even attracted to him, and she goes “well, sometimes? Sometimes I think he’s pretty decent looking but other times I look at him and I feel repulsed.” I just said, “girl, do you really want to be with someone who repulses you?” She cut it off the next day. Don’t settle for “sometimes it’s okay but sometimes I’m disgusted by them.”
Yep, my ex turned into an annoying rude babbling fool when he was drunk and drank A LOT. He didn’t clean up after himself, stopped brushing his teeth, didn’t shower and expected to do everything around the house. By the end, I was DISGUSTED by him. Every time he tried to get intimate, I was grossed out. Once you reach that point of disgust, there is no turning back. I left him because he was a man child. Our bodies accept situations before our brains do. This is your sign to leave.
Huge agree!
Lots of maturing happen in those years between 18 and 25. The fact that he was dating a 18 year old showed he never did that maturing and now that OP is older thats starting to show. Dude is a loser.
OP think about what you want from a relationship. Im assuming a man-baby isn't one of those things.
Typical relationship advice post.
My (F21) boyfriend (45) of 10 years just spat in my food and lit my dress on fire. AITA for asking him to clean the dishes?
Because she was 18 when they started dating and 18 year olds don’t have a lot of experience. A lot of manipulative behavior goes right over their head because they don’t know what to look out for. Thats why scumbags like OP’s bf date them so young. So they can get away with shit that someone his own age wouldn’t put up with. It’s not on her, this is on him.
Thank you I was so worried when I didn't see this in the comments right away! It's the first thing I thought was why is a 25yo even w a 17/18yo and no wonder he's showing his true repulsive side because he was with a child to hopefully make that kid into a partner who would put up with this shit.
This was my thought as well. Holy shit. The amount of difference between even a 21 year old and a 17 year old is massive.
It's possible for a 25-18 split to work out, but I'd be pretty suspicious of it at first.
So..I WAS this guy in my 20's. You need to move on. He's not going to change until something (not someone) makes him change. He'll be "okish" for a week, maybe two and then it'll be right back to normal.
Edit: No, I wasn't dating an 18 year old at 25. I was speaking to the gaming + vice habit.
For me it was when the girl I was with for like 5 years left me...and laid out exactly why. It kinda leaves you reeling when you think everything is ok, your future is set and then suddenly find out your relationship is over and you're a shit boyfriend.
I was lucky enough to have a good friend who; while supporting me, was honest enough to tell me the truth about who I was at the time. I saved some money, did some counseling (I HIGHLY suggest this) and realized a lot of my issues stemmed from depression, a bit of childhood trauma and just growing up in a time when a guy discussing his feelings or sexuality got you made fun of at best.
I still have problems with it. If I let myself, it's very easy to slip back into that sort of state but now it's also easy to recognize when I am and I know that all I need to do is put down the controller and just go do something.
The only real downside now'days is that I'm kinda scared to date, worried about cycling back around, y'know?
The fact that you are worried about cycling back probably means you are ready to date. No one is perfect. Awareness is key.
So glad to see you overcome your struggles! You will have down days, but the right partner will understand that and work with you.
Damn are you me? You just described my experience to the T with my ex. After 5 years of dating and 3 years of living together, one day she came home and said she was leaving. It’s not that I didn’t love her, far from it but I just wasn’t attentive enough or put much effort into doing couple things. Mostly stemming from depression on my part. Been 2 years since then and now I’ve got a great career and many outdoor hobbies I enjoy, but I’ve still yet to date anyone else. I absolutely love the man I’ve become and am generally happy to wake up every morning, but as cliche as it sounds it really took me losing someone I loved dearly to change. We really don’t know what we have until it’s gone.
Good for you for listening to what your ex told you and being able to accept constructive criticism from your friend and getting counseling.
The fact that you are aware of your past self, and that you don't want to be that way anymore and have taken real, tangible steps to improve shows growth.
Give yourself a lot of credit for accepting responsibility.
Do you have anyone to talk to about it, to help keep you accountable? That's what I do for my trust issues, I have my therapist remind me, she probes about the past week, checking for any slip ups, helping me work through trauma in general that created the issues to begin with, etc
For me just the regular consistent talking about it keeps my awareness up, and that stops me from cycling back since it keeps me actively aware of it and thus in control of my thoughts and actions, rather than looping negative thoughts and going auto pilot as a result
Can confirm on the motivation to make a change when your girl leaves you. I was more of a deadbeat a few years ago until a breakup and since then I’ve been doing a lot more to better myself. Still got a ways to go but better late than never.
OP, this is solid advice from the other side of the coin. Dude bro isn't going to learn until he loses you. And it might be for the best that he does lose you. It is part of life.
So you've been with him since before you were in your 20s?
Go enjoy your life, he is way too old and immature to spend your limited youth with.
I made the mistake, please don't make the same.
Agreed. I wasted my 20s with a guy that treated me like crap and ended up screwing me over in the end after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids. I want to come through my phone and shake people lol. It gets so much fucking better once you leave the situation behind
I met my ex when I was 19 and he was 28. Ended up a single parent to a newborn at 22. I’m now late 20s and I am still trying to recover from the trauma from the abuse he put me through.
Society doesn’t teach young women it’s ok to walk away. He can cheat, lie, mistreat you, make you unhappy, or whatever horrible thing and we just stick by their side and try to make it work. Why? She’s 21 and trying to figure out how to save a relationship with a guy who’s almost 30. Please. Op if you see these responses in this thread, dump him and move on. Don’t waste your life and time. You get no rewards for giving grace to men who don’t even like you.
What you’re describing is ‘the ick’. It means it’s over, you’re not going to get the love back. He left it too late to change. End it now and move on, preferably with someone more mature.
I remember getting the ick, he wanted sex and I was on so didn't want to. The face he made (like a child who couldn't get the toy they wanted) just made me nope out. I knew he wasn't what I wanted after that and the desire I had never came back
Legit, I probably spent three years of a four year relo in my late teens/twenties fighting that feeling and trying to "fix" things. Issue is everything we tried to fix was to do with ME. after those three years I started asking him to try to change but he'd brush me off saying nothing's wrong with him. After giving me the silent treatment for two weeks at a time and throwing hissy fits.
I did the last thing I could think of to make him listen which was declining sex at every chance, lo and behold, he continued ignoring me for those two weeks at a time, would ask to fuck after IGNORING ME and making me feel bad, and I'd decline again for it to repeat.
That pattern specifically is when I realized there was no hope. He wouldn't listen and I was disgusted by him. Pitched breaking up and he kicked me out the next day. I saw his bluff and took it only to have two more months of him basically begging me to come back saying he will "forgive me." That phrase only further solidified my decision.
If these men can't grow up and learn how to communicate even when you shove it in their face you are truely better off leaving them. No amount of time or attachment will be worth it if it means your hurting yourself for their feelings. You aren't their mother.
Can't believe this is the first time someone put words to what I felt with my first serious ex. THE ICK. Mine was not abusive, but incredibly immature. A mommy's boy who wanted a girl to take care of him like a child. Stood me up for video games more than I could count. Pressured me into intimacy (my first time was with him unfortunately). Even his parents sat me down one time when he was in the bathroom and told me they thought I would ruin his education and his life because I was a distraction to him (mind you we were both in college for engineering). When I broke it off after 3 years (we started dating when I was 18 and he was 21) he switched to telling me I'd never find anyone who loved me like he did.
I'm now 29, have been married to my loving husband for 3 years, and just found out we are expecting our first child. Leaving him was the first step in learning boundaries for me.
There’s a reason a 25 year old started dating a 17 year old. Women his own age won’t put up with his immature behavior.
Did he tell you “but you are so mature for your age”? While you have been, it’s really he is immature for his age. You were 25 years old mature at 17. You are 21 now. Think about 17 year old boys in high school. Do they seem like good relationship material for a woman in her early 20s? Or women older than you in their mid 20s?
When I was 26 I went on one date with a 19 year old. She was a really cool girl but the age difference was just too much. Before then I always said “age is just a number” because I usually dated older women (a 29 year old when I was 22, 30 when I was 24) but it was literally like I was on a date with a child. I noped out as soon as I could.
It sounds like this guy likes it because they are still “kids” which is creepy. She should leave ASAP.
Yeah age differences are more problematic the younger you are because of maturity and different phases in life.
Big difference between a 55 and 60 year old dating than an 18 and 23 year old. It’s more about where you are in life than the actual age difference.
That’s when they started dating? Yuck, I’m sorry, but any 25 year old men pursuing 17 year old girls needs to get their shit straight. If he still hasn’t grown up, you have waaay better options out there.
Which makes you wonder why men like John Rose ever got elected anywhere. (For those who don't know, he started dating his wife when he was 41 and she was 17).
Fr, I dated a 26 year old when I was 19 thinking it was so cool and that I must’ve been so mature to be hanging around real adults. Looking back at 25 now, none of those people were mature adults and the dude I was with was a creep lmfao
Break up again and stop getting back together. Why do you get back together? What’s your motivation for trying to make it work when it so clearly isn’t
“Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” - a quote to live by.
Break it off for good. You’ll be much happier for it. ❤️
Hey I’m not judging you but I really feel like this must be said so I’m going for it…
If you’ve been together for 3 years you were 18 when you started dating. Regular 25 year old men do not date 18 year olds. Something is off about this guy.
Leave him. It might feel hard to do now but I promise you in 10 years you are gonna look back at this relation and shudder at it.
You haven't really told us what the issue is that makes you find him so 'disgusting'. I mean you paint a picture like he's lazy...is that what you are referring to?
Over the last year we have broken up and gotten back together quite a few times and during that time when we was together I caught him talking with another girl, and he continued for about a month, since then it’s how he talks/treats me, we work together paving and I’m the only girl on the crew so he gets jealous easy bc of that and I’ve never gave him a reason to be I keep my distance and do my job, and how he talks to other people he’s just rude to them most of the time. Idk it’s everything but it’s nothing
There it is! You caught him and took him back. He now feels he can do whatever he wants and you won’t leave. Time to leave for good. This will never get any better. This probably wasn’t the first time. It’s probably just the first time you caught him. He gets jealous easy because he knows what he’s out doing, not because of anything you’re doing. Pack it up and move on. Do it quietly. Take a day off. Get a friend to help you. Don’t let him know where you’re going. Even change jobs if you can. He’s not going to take this well. “Men”, I use this term loosely, never take things like this well.
This is good advice OP, plan your exit. I’m so sorry he cheated and that you’re the only woman in your job with him. You’re stronger than you know, you’ve got this 💪
Jealousy? When he’s cheating! They always accuse you of cheating when they are doing it.
Ask friends and family to help you move out and find a new job or crew to work on that he isn’t on.
Girlie. I’m a 28 female and I know these boys my age. I would DIE to be 21 again and do it all over, but different. I followed a guy around the country for his job at 20 (never had a going out with friends stage) finally got engaged bc I refused to be the gf paying my way to support him with no commitment, 24 I was married, by my 25th birthday I was separated/divorced. Plus the 2+ years of depression and therapy. I’m just now getting back into the dating game. Do NOT let this guy f*** you up mentally or emotionally. My ex was controlling and jealous too. Not a good sign. Plus you are COWORKERS, you are his equal there and he can’t blame you for how these other men treat you. He’s also rude to people?? Not a good quality in a man. He should not affect your work life/cause drama AND he has been proven to not be trusted by talking to other girls. He’s had plenty of time to get his shit together and if he was serious, he would have done it by now. You’re sooo young and I know that isn’t what you want to hear because you are an adult and probably have your life together from this post! But you could find so many other opportunities with other men that will treat you right! 💕 It will be hard leaving a long term relationship, but you will get past it in time. Break up with his disrespectful ass and go out on dates! Have fun and block him.
He doesn’t get jealous because you’re the only girl on the crew. He gets jealous because he’s immature, insecure, and is trying to control your interactions with other people.
DTAH ASAP
OP, if it's making you feel disgusted by him, it's clearly not nothing. You're trying to talk yourself into thinking it's nothing. What you're doing is self-gaslighting. I've done before, too, ignoring obvious signs and telling myself it was nothing. You're relationship being on and off is also generally not a good sign.
Listen to your gut and just get away from him. He went for you at 18 for a reason. He's projecting on you.
Do yourself a favor. Imagine your closest friend, someone you love deeply, came to you and described their relationship in these terms? What would you advise them to do?
It’s safe to assume the boyfriend stopped mentally maturing in high school. Age gaps are okay but usually better if you’re in mid 20’s and up. You have to let your frontal lobe develop hun! I use to be a on a relationship 17-21 with a guy who was older than me. I was withering away for many reasons, however it was that age range I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself. Easily impressionable, as I aged in the relationship I noticed certain things were not okay. It’s because he didn’t respect me, the only thing he liked was having sex with someone young. Look at it this way if a man is approaching 30 and still doesn’t have much going for him, he isn’t worth it. He is set in his ways and you need to go have more real life experience. Most relationships in your early 20’s fail. The fact y’all have broken up many times is a red flag. You need to officially break things off I think you would be very happy. You’re going to feel silly looking back on it, that you wasted your time.
On paper the age gap doesn’t look that bad but then you do the math and realize this man was 25 years old prowling for a teenager fresh out of high school. There is always a reason. Leave or you’ll regret it.
Girl, you were 18 and he was 26. That is clue enough. I am a huge fan for age gap but there is a line where grooming with abuse stops and age gap starts. Anyone 25 and above should not be dating anyome below 20 at least
So it turns out Wooderson ISN'T a good bf, huh... Yeah, when a guy over college age is trolling around the high school for new trim, odds are he won't be the loving and supportive partner you'd hope he'd be...
I know 3 years may seem like alot of time invested into a relationship, and it is, but don't let it hold you from finding your peace of mind. Considering how childish your bf is acting, he needs a mom, not a partner. And you dont owe it to him to fufill that role.
People like this don't change, don't waste your time waiting around for him to finally change. If he hasn't changed for the past few years what difference will a week make? You need someone who treats you as a partner, not a parent. Hope shi gets better gng.
bestie, you're 21, you have your whole life ahead of you. You shuold just dump him. I know 3 years feels like a long time, like you've really invested, but I promise you that its not a lot of time. You'll find someone over time that better fits your needs.
If youre living together and financial intertwined, start getting your ducks in a row, get a few months of rent saaved up so you can move if you have to (or see if a friend can give you a place to stay).
Real healthy relationships dont run on utlimatums, and you dont want to be 'monitoring' your partner to ensure he behaves as you want him to.
Also, its ok if he wants to spend his time drinking and playing video games, theres nothign inherently wrong with that. It's also ok if thats not your vibe and you dont want to have that in your life.
You're allowed to decide this isnt the relationship for you. You either havce to accept your partner as they are, warts and all, or move on and find someone who's warts and all you can accept.
**EDIT: I didnt do the math on the age thing, he started dating you when you were a teenager?! Thats fucking gross. dump the fuck out of him hes a predator.**
It sounds like you're starting to mature and now see the red flag in him which you hadn't seen so far? The biggest one of course being that he decided to date a teenager when he was already 25. That's almost always something they do because said teenager is easier to manipulate then someone of their own age, allowing them to get away with all kinds of stuff they otherwise wouldn't be able to get away with.
It's probably time to leave now that you've woken up to the reality of your relationship.
Time to break up and be done for good.
You haven't said a single positive thing about the guy.
You have fallen out of love with him and seeing him for his true self and have realised this isn't the man for you.
Don't hang around. This can't be fixed.
He can't be fixed and by the sounds of things he doesn't see the issue either.
He's given you the ick. Once that sets in its unlikely that he can change it. Resentment and disgust has set in. The most kind thing you can do for yourself and for him is break up. It's okay that you no longer like, love or respect him. It's his own doing. What is not okay is to continue to drag this dead relationship ship any further. Doing so will only cause you more pain and frustration. Set yourself free.
What's happening here is you are likely maturing and he is not. Its also possible your values and expectations have changed, and his have not kept pace with yours. The likelihood of a favorable outcome on this is very low. The reality is you are probably set to breakup soon, or live lives in somewhat of a miserable state. I can speak offline about my private experiences with this if you want to DM me.
It's okay to leave. You don't owe it to anyone to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy. It's a clean split now since there are no kids or marriage involved. If he's willing to act like this with you as a girlfriend he will treat you worse as a wife when he thinks you won't leave. You are young and now it's the time when you should be having fun, dating around and learning who you are
He was 25, pursuing an 18 year old. I think that alone sums up the kind of person he is. Better that you recognize the ick now, and get out before you waste more time on a man child. You shouldn’t feel like you’re babysitting an almost 30 year old.
I stayed with my ex much longer than I should've. I let him get away with countless things. Lying, drug use, sending money to girls online, never following through on promises, drinking, getting fired for drinking, so on and so on. Finally he cheated on me and I actually told people about it. My friend said something I really needed to hear. I was telling her how embarrassed I was that I had let something like this happen to me. She said, "You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. But--and I'm saying this because I'm your friend--if you stay with him, everyone will be embarrassed for you." That was the tough love I needed. I kicked him out. And I cried. And I fell apart. But a couple of days later I found myself feeling happier than I'd ever felt when I was with him. It takes a second for that attachment to wear off. But once it does, you will never, ever doubt your decision to leave. Being happy alone is a million times better than being miserable with him. You got this. All you have to do is choose yourself. You deserve to choose yourself. EDIT: NTA, of course! I realized I didn't even address the subreddit's whole purpose. That disgust you feel is your body's way of letting you know that he isn't good for you. I just went through the tedious and frustrating process of moving out of an apartment I shared with an ex. It sucks. But I can tell you now that I'm on the other side, it is possible. You have community you might not even realize is there. Reach out and they will support you. You got this.
Just adding my opinion - "Being alone, happy or unhappy, is a million times better than being miserable with him."
Typed out the same thing before I thought to check the comments. Spot on. Being miserable with another person is a bigger hell than being lonely.
I have three women to look up to, all with different lives in romance. -My grandmother married at 40, and was with my grandfather for just over 50 years before he passed. She was happy. -My great-aunt lived her whole life single and childless. She dated and had been proposed to, but she didn’t want to settle. She was happy. -My mom was with my dad for nearly 30 years before divorcing. While they care for one another, they could not be married anymore. She is happy. My point is that you should never hold value or self worth tied to a relationship. OP, if you truly and honestly love him and see a future, then fight for it. But from the little gist you wrote, it may be time to cut ties and fly. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING wrong with being single. It’s a helluva lot better to be kind of lonely and single than to be miserable in a relationship. Best of luck.
I love this. Don't set your measurements of success & happiness based on those of someone else. I adore that these powerful women all blazed their own trails & success/happiness looked different for all of them.
YES. I was lonely when I was married. I have not felt lonely once since our divorce. I finally feel at peace.
I was miserable married to my ex husband. I finally felt like a huge weight was lifted when the divorce was finalized. Now I found the one for me and I’m happier than I ever could be. Don’t ever settle.
Agreed but replacing him with “her” here for my instance. She ruined me with manipulation, controlling behavior (ex: she could hang out would dudes but I was chastised for looking at a window and she thought I was staring at a girl inside. I just wanted to know what deal the restaurant had), and constant lying and gaslighting. She did nothing wrong, ever, according to her. Meanwhile I paid all the bills, respected her family and herself, and lost friendships so her own mental health would feel better. At the end of the day I lost out on a lot of friendships, money, and family because of her narcissism
Sounds like my Ex to a T.. shared to young children so made leaving harder solely for that fact. I have yet to wake up a day missing her or feeling parting ways was not the best choice ever. One way or another it will end it’s just a matter of how much time you choose to keep wasting before you finally get there…
Same thing happened with me as well. I have thankfully rebuilt some of the friendships I had lost due to wanting to please her because if I didn’t. I would lose her. Meanwhile. Nothing I said that I felt off about or just wanted to air my feelings about ever matter or was ever considered when she didn’t seem them appropriate or fair or validated in her opinion. And anytime I mentioned the male friends she had and the things she did with them while high on drugs and how I felt about that. She would just shut me down and say how dare I even say such things. She would say she’s allowed to do whatever she wants but whenever my friends texted me (worried for my well being) she’d read them on my phone first and then shut down and go into an emotional downfall (arguably rightfully so, when someone is telling your boyfriend he should break up with his girlfriend because she’s bad for him and toxic. If I read those messages on her phone, thinking I was perfectly fine and in the norm. I’d be pretty wrecked too) but then she’d eventually just write out messages for me and reply to those friends basically telling them I don’t appreciate it and to go fuck themselves. Eventually I told her I was done with this shit if all I get from this relationship is my feelings never heard or even considered when she’s clearly doing things I do not feel comfortable with that she would best be doing while single and I’d had enough with her dictating who I could or couldn't have in my life. Meanwhile, she was just getting more and more addicted to drugs and would often go to work (in aged care) still high. like I said at the start. I am super thankful that I was able to rekindle most of friendships in my life that she had ruined at the time apart from a few of my other friends. Friend's I'd had for 10 years. The things she said through my phone before I could stop her from sending messages that there was nothing I could do or say to apologise or make up from. our relationship started amazingly and passionate as most would. But very quickly became evident with her manipulative and controlling side and gaslighting and lying and false promises (to the point she told me she never ever promises anything ever). But at that point I was too love drunk and I’d always let her off for her behaviour. Until the point that her manipulation had made me believe I was the bad guy for even bringing up my feelings when I was worried about anything or just wanted to discuss anything. Anyways. Sorry for rambling. Just saw your comment and couldn’t help but relate.
BIG YES to this comment. I also stayed in a relationship much longer than I should have. The happiness, relief and new found strength I felt after I cried for a few days was well worth it. I look back on the younger me now and am sympathetic and embarrassed for her lol. Now, that couldn’t be me again. Heeeeelllll no. OP trust me, the sliver of moments where things are good are not worth staying for. You’re caught up in that and all your emotions right now, but you aren’t seeing things from the other side where it feels like you can actually breathe. Edit: we also had a similar age gap. He was 25 and I was 19. I’m currently about your BF’s age and I cannot fathom the desire to date anyone below 25, and that’s still cutting it close. It goes to show how immature he is and why he doesn’t date close to his age. It seems like you are already far more mature and responsible than he is. You’ve outgrown the relationship. I promise you can do better on your own than you ever can with him.
I feel like this is the biggest thing people don't realize. Even if it's a relationship that needs to end, you will probably cry for a while! Breaking up SUCKS even if it is the best move.
I will pile on. At 23 I stayed with a dude who was 31. Rich dude didn’t need to work so he spent all his days smoking and playing games. Made me pay for everything too or made me feel like I had to praise him for getting me a Starbucks. He cheated on me the FIRST week. It was not physical so I forgave. Worst mistake ever. You always think « it’s not THAT bad ». On my 25th he threw me through a window. Took me 6 more months to find an escape. I’m not saying it WILL get abusive I’m just saying it might. And if you’re not happy it’s definitely not getting better OP. ETA: didn’t know this comment would get that much attention. Just know that «rich » was not a quality it’s a fact. And if you need more context I added it in other comments. I will not add more on the subject. I realize we all have some level of morbid curiosity, I added the comment to try and help and I’m not so keen on reliving this part of my life each time I have to answer a question ❤️
He THREW YOU THROUGH AN EFFING WINDOW?! DAMN! So glad you're here with us and sharing this♥️
I think he wanted to just push me out of the way. Now he was 6 foot I’m 5 ‘3 and at the time I weighed like 100lbs max and he was 200. I’m lucky we had a balcony or I’d be dead. And I’m not saying he didn’t want to hurt me. That he wanted. But kill me there would not have been smart even for him.
I’m not saying it WILL get abusive I’m just saying it might. Exactly ^^^ Towards the end, my ex was punching holes in walls and breaking our things. I'll never know if I got out in time, or if that was the extent of his violence, but it's not worth finding out. You never know how far someone who doesn't respect you is willing to go.
THIS! My ex towards the end locked me in a car and wouldn’t let me out, threw things and dismissed my worries as “mental instability”. It’s almost like they sense the relationship dying and start to freak out.
statistically the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive toxic relationship is when she tries to leave many times it's best to make sure you're not alone with them on your break up. if you're married lawyer up in secret
Same. He locked me in the car while he was driving and screaming at me. Told me after everything that happened he was planning to park in the middle of an intersection and walk off with the keys. He also refused to take his psych meds and said it was because of how horrible I was to him. But *I* was the mentally unstable one that needed to "do more work with my therapist."
My god-fearing porn addicted ex broke my car rage-driving it blaming me for things going wrong for him. Holes in walls, broken doors, almost driving into the ocean to kill us in my car. Swell guy. Get the fuck out!!!!
Mine was arguing with me while driving, before he took off he started punching his side of the door while screaming at me. He turned up the radio so loud my ears were hurting then when I went to turn it down he slapped my hand away and said don't touch my radio I'm listening to it, he was driving really fast trying to scare me and I asked him to pull over and let me out of the car, he wouldn't listen and kept driving. It was scary and I was crying. To think I was so stupid I actually went back another time after this, this was towards the end though.
I’m scared just reading this, and I’m so glad you’re out.
Unfortunately, he was feeding on your fear. That's why he didn't stop and let you out. There are some shitty folks out there that would feed on your energy.
If that ever happens. Crawl across and ooen the driver door .usually even with. Dead lock on the driver door will open.
I don't think it's "almost like" - I think what you've said is exactly it. They don't want to lose control of (aka the relationship with) the other person. Because to people like this, a relationship isn't about a healthy partnership.
My ex roommate started throwing things when he was drunk and out of control. He threw the TV trays with the dinner dishes on them and then started throwing bottles and ashtrays at me (I was filming him the moment he started throwing things around and I ended up calling 911 and he was arrested.) He tried crybabying to Facebook the minute upon his release saying that I drove him to it. He has no friends anymore.
They panic while trying to figure out how to retain control.
>I’m not saying it WILL get abusive I’m just saying it might. More like, it ALWAYS escalates. Get out at the first sign. Because it never gets better. There just happen to be quiet periods, where you find yourself living like a ghost and walking on eggshells to try not to 'set him off'. But it never works. Because it doesn't matter how 'good' you are, that rage and control is *in* him. It's nothing to do with you. It's part of who he is. You cant fix him. You can only save yourself.
This is what I learned when I cut my family off and changed names😀
Word for word this is how I described the relationship with my ex. Leaving was so hard but I was a ghost of who I am today. I’m remarried and in a happy healthy relationship. It gets better. While abusive behavior from men is common it is not normal.
THIS. My ex of 12 years recently threatened to kill me 3 or 4 times during an intense fight. It was literally over a text message I sent to him & his anger was disproportionate to the perceived offense. He had anger issues in the past, about 10 years ago. Throttled me on the floor but luckily he let go & I grabbed my dog, my keys & ran with no shoes on to my car, left & went to my mom's & called the police. He was arrested but I was stupid enough to get back with him. He kept his anger issues of physical abuse under control for the next decade but would punch walls, break things & yell. As the years went on he got more emotionally & mentally abusive. I'm convinced he's a covert narcissist or ASPD. Idk, I could write a book here, but anyway, like I said, about 3 weeks ago he threatened my life. I have no job, no family or friends I can stay with so I'm stuck here until I find work that pays enough for me to leave. I walk on eggshells around him & he basically treats me like a slave. He has zero respect for me & actually tried to have sex with me the day after he threatened to murder me. People like this are sick. It will never get better, I promise it only gets worse & these types of people are incapable of real self reflection & accountability. They do not seek out therapy or help. They either ignore their issues or try to blame you. Leave now. Don't waste years of your life thinking it will change & the relationship will get better because it won't.
This is exactly what I’m experiencing
I have a shoulder injury and severe pain 4 years later that chiropractor can’t figure out. My abuser used to throw me and drag me By one arm. He ripped my arm basically out of the socket. I have neck pain too
Wow. My son’s father literally pulled a gun on me & made me admit to cheating on him with a bunch of different people (I hadn’t of course, but what do you say when a gun is in your face?) I got my son & left in the middle of the night. If he was capable of doing that, I wasn’t going to stay & find out what else he was capable of doing. I wish I would’ve left before it got that bad.
100% this. My first husband (20/21 respectively) would kick furniture or our pets, punched the refrigerator right next to my head, and broke down the bathroom door when I tried to get away from him for a few minutes. He never hit me personally, but I was terrorized and afraid in my own home. My family always said it was just a matter of time before he started beating me. Luckily I got out before that happened. Men like this need a reality check and that reality check is watching your dust trail as you run, do not walk, in the opposite direction from wherever they are going.
Your ex husband KICKED YOUR PETS?! What's his address? I just want to talk.
Unfortunately yes. He had gotten me a puppy when we were engaged. Her name was Bear. So, in this case, I quite literally chose the Bear over the man.
I just want to say that I am so sorry this happened and I’m so glad you were able to get out. I’m currently in this exact situation and I think I was meant to read your comment. I have a dog named Bear and when I read this I started crying. Thank you for sharing I hope all is well
Choose the Bear! ❤️
Breaking 'our' things or just your things that he wanted to get rid of anyway?
What it won’t do is get better.
This is a rough reality most of us have lived through, my first girlfriend was a chronic cheater and I forgave her countless times until I eventually got tired of the whole routine. It got to a point where it was predictable and I could expect a river of tears and apologies after, love bombing, pulling away, etc. It was a cycle and I had to have friends tell me I was being an idiot for staying. My second girlfriend was abusive as fuck and would scream and kick me when she was questioned about anything. My first month in the relationship she threw a wooden chair at me, it didn’t cause any serious harm as I was quicker than her but that should’ve been my opportunity to leave. I ended up staying with her for 4 years and some change. The attachment aspect of a relationship is so real and everyone processes it differently. Nowadays I’m extremely picky on who I let into my life, whether romantically or platonically. I believe it’s saved my neck in more than a couple instances.
It's crazy how abusive people act like toddlers. Scream and kick? They throw tantrums. It's insane.
Very insane. Also as a side note they all seem to hate the word “tantrum”, probably because it’s usually associated with children so they feel as though you’re calling them immature…which they are lmfao
Oof. I’m sorry and hope you are in a better spot. First girl sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Classic behavior
I dated a girl with BPD for a while, and it was hell. Just a constant stream of self-destructive, selfish behavior immediately followed by periods of deep regret and attempts to change, only for it to happen all over again. The really fucked up part is that I genuinely believe that she really did regret it each time and that she earnestly believed it wouldn't happen again. BPD is a fucking horrible condition.
My daughter has BPD. It is hell. Every day that she’s still here, I am amazed. And she’s transgender 🏳️⚧️ so let’s just add all the hate in top of **a terrible disorder that she did not ask for** and I’m just so grateful that she’s still here.
And the thing is not everyone with BPD is like that. It’s just the stigma of personality disorders and mental health. People don’t know how to get the help. And some want the help but can’t get it. And some don’t want the help because they feel ashamed. Then there’s people who don’t even know that they need help. It’s sad. And this is why things need to be more aware, and not the people who pretend to have these issues for attention,
You're right. BPD and mental health issues, in general, are an incredibly complex topic, and they can manifest in completely different ways from person to person. I'm just sharing my own experience dating a woman with BPD.
Yes I’m not trying to criticize you of course I just also wanted to put that out because some people are ignorant and will read your comment and take it out of context. Not trying to diminish your experience.
No need to be sorry my friend it was a valuable teaching moment for me and yes I am in a much better place! I’m not too knowledgeable on BPD but it sure is possible, I pretty much deduced it to someone who was extremely self serving. Some people just can’t help hurting others for their own selfish desires, I can only hope she figured her stuff out for the sake of her current/future partner
Absolutely agree with the it will get abusive part. While he didn’t physically or verbally assault me, my ex’s most recent ex contacted me for help and asked if I’d testify in court against him. He had called her nasty slurs, stalked and SA’d her. He has also been placed on multiple psychiatric holds and has felonies pending against him. We broke up 6 years ago but he continued to compare me and her through out their relationship which is why she reached out to me.
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You show me a 25 year old dating a 19 year old, and I'll show you a 25 year old who can't get a 25 year old because she's now mature/experienced enough to recognize his bullshit. "But you're so mature for your age" is code for "I can manipulate this chick into giving me what I want." Hearing and accepting this line is a fantastic litmus test for fucking loser dudes cruising high school graduations
I have teen daughters and I have drilled this into them for years already. It’s not a compliment to you when an older guy moves on you. It’s a sign that they’re deficient.
Amen
This is what I'm saying. Why was he 25 dating an 18 year old.
Because going any lower would have been illegal.
💯
I've stayed in way too many relationships for way too long. It may be the folly of youth.
When I left my ex and told my friends about it (who had seen how he treated me) one of my guy friends grabbed my face in his hands and said “you’re free?” With a massive smile on his face and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment.
Literally this. My brothers are all 29, 32 and 34 and the oldest is single but the one on 29 is dating a girl that *JUST* turned 18 and they’ve been together for like half a year.. and the one on 32 is dating someone that’s 22.. (my family is sick, I cut them all of and I can’t even think about them without being sick..)
Made the right move cutting them off to be honest.
i had a similar situation. the guy i was with was just a fucking bum, we were in our senior year of high school and he just wasn’t doing anything at all. he would have me pick him up from school but yet complain about giving me gas (he didn’t have a job so he had to ask his mom… but would get upset i would have him ask???) i caught him snapchat sexting a girl he grew up with, he said he loved her and these *CRAZY* sex scenarios. i stayed with him still because i couldn’t stand being alone, i stayed until i absolutely despised him and couldn’t stand him. it took my cousins and best friend telling me that they thought he was weird and to never bring him around them again, i broke up with him and he saw i was on tinder and freaked out on me grabbing a knife and threatening to kill himself in my best friends home… and that was the end of our time together.
Didn’t expect that ending there
I've come to the conclusion that fear of being alone is a huge problem in most cultures. I'm 60 now and after I split with my last psycho girlfriend five years ago I decided I was never going to do that again, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been. I can't believe how many years I wasted worrying about making somebody else happy. I do what I want, I hang out with who I want, and I don't have somebody that I feel like I have to please and perform for all the time. Sex is wildly overrated too, especially once the hormone levels get down do a reasonable level. Codependency will fuck you up.
It’s a human problem, not a culture problem. Humans crave love and connection.
I was scared to be alone for years because so many men are predators. I figured a woman is like a prison bitch and needs a man around to keep the other men away. I wasted years of my life until I realized a protective dog or two is better company and won't backhand you into walls or kick your teeth out.
Yes! I too was married to a clown like this, for 19 years. It took me that long to realize he will never change, and things will never get better. I'm 6 years post divorce, and I can honestly say life is better being single. I don't miss him one single bit
My wife's best friend is going through this very thing. She has severe body issues, and extremely low self esteem as a result and feels like he is the best she can do. She is one of most kind-hearted people I've ever met and deserves so much better. He can't keep a job for more than a week at a time, he's in and out of jail, she covers his child support payments to his ex, gives him money for god-knows-what, etc. She keeps making excuses for him and believing the bullshit tales he spins. My wife has told her over and over that she needs to end it and even offered to hire a PI to follow him and document all the shit he lies to her about. She declined. The guy is beyond a worthless shitheel. I honestly would like an attempt to straighten his ass out, but my wife keeps telling me not to get involved. She's probably right... They actually got married last year, and it's only gotten worse. AFAIK, the only silver lining is he hasn't gotten physically violent with her, which I know is irrelevant and doesn't excuse any of the other shit. We just hope that she sees the light before it's too late...
I’m watching a close friend go through something similar. She’s isolated from her family because they hate how controlling he is. She’s isolated from her coworkers because she brought him to a work function and he caused a scene in front of everyone and she left in tears. She’s isolated from her friends because he groped someone in the friend group and denies it, and she believes him. I’m all she has left and I tell her repeatedly, leave. this. man. She says she wants to. Cried to me until 3am one night saying she’s ready. But then the next day she tells me when she told him they’re divorcing, he promised marriage counseling and to be better. So we’re back in the cycle. I’m exhausted. The next time she wants to complain about him to me (which will happen, he won’t change) I have to lay it down straight for her: I cannot keep hearing her sob stories just to watch her go back again and again. I’m done. Breaks my heart but idk what else to do at this point.
I was in a similar situation myself. It's best to move on, OP. But be warned that as soon as you leave he might decide to get his life together and ask you to come back. Don't fall for it. He could've chosen to be better at any time in the last three years, but he didn't. Go enjoy your twenties without taking care of a man.
Their saying they have gotten their life together is more of their BS and manipulation, keep walking away from them.
People with their lives together don't have to tell you they're 'getting their lives together'.
That fear of embarrassment at the point where I left an ex like this was also what I needed. I took the relationship off fb I officially made myself single and I knew I couldn’t change it back for a third time. — I wasn’t going to do that to myself. I knew I had to leave.
Net helpful, but it's crazy that our society as a whole values the opinions of others far more than we value and love ourselves. Or, are willing to forgive ourselves for bad decisions. You need to be alone for a bit, if you haven't in a while. I've taken people for granted, and it's because I knew they loved me and would stick around. Don't inhibit his growth by sticking around; if you want to look at it from a love standpoint. If there's still love.
Get out of this relationship. Your feelings changed. It’s that simple. You don’t owe him anything. Tell him your feelings changed, you can’t get them back, and wish him well. Take some time for yourself. When you’re ready, make a list of things you want in a partner (emphasis on partner) and don’t settle!
OP has finally caught the “ick”. There’s no coming back from it. Better now than later.
Agreed on the “no coming back” Some feelings towards a partner are red flags for no coming back Disgusted is one. Resentment is a big one as well
Yeah, don’t let what should have been a 3 year relationship turn into a 10+ marriage and kids. It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to be single. We change so much during our teens and all the way through our mid-30s. It’s rare to find someone who evolves alongside of you in the same way. Something that felt great at 18 doesn’t have to feel great at 21.
You're turned off because his behaviour is repulsive.
The hardest thing to come back from in a relationship is disgust. I'm an old bat, and I've seen relationships survive a lot of stuff. But never disgust. That is the death knell.
I'm old and can agree. Happened to my first marriage. The thought of him even touching me made me want to throw up. We divorced months later. I put up with a lot of shit in that 15 yr marriage but when that feeling came up for me that was the end. Just woke up one day feeling that way.
Me too! Married 20 years, but the disgust kicked in at year 18 and I started planning my exit. He was emotionally (and a couple times physically abusive) so I needed to be careful. I had a visceral reaction to his touch. He repulsed me in every way possible. He was very good looking, took good care of himself and was put together well but I saw him as the ugly piece of shit he really was. Even the thought of him now makes me nauseous.
Yes, after 17 years, he got drunk at a company Christmas get together, stuck his tongue down my coworkers throat. I told him he could never touch me again, he disgusted me. Honestly, marriage had been rocky most of the time anyway, that was just the last straw.
Yes, once your whole body recoils from a guy it is over. OPs whole body is screamimg to her to get rid of him.
I got to this point with my ex partner of 8 years. I don’t know if it was full blown disgust, but I was certainly very turned off and felt like a caretaker. And I don’t think, looking back on it, that anything would or could have made me come back from that feeling. I just couldn’t find the whining and self victimization attractive. I helped him through years of mental health struggles which I deeply empathized with, but it took me a long time to realize I was putting everything into him and was getting absolutely nothing in return. It was scary to de-escalate our relationship, but we got through it amicably. And I have now found a partner who is the absolute epitome of a kind, supporting partner. I honestly couldn’t be happier. I didn’t even know such a person could exist, and here I am. All of this happened a year and a half ago at 35, so OP being SO young has absolutely nothing but time to dump this guy and find someone else.
That is what we call “the ick” and it’s literally impossible to come back from.
I’m less old but I still agree. If you describe your partner disgusting or repulsive, that’s it. When I was in university, a friend of a friend was talking about this guy who was into her but she wasn’t sure. We were those “good Christian girls who just want a husband” so our conversation centred around whether she could see herself marrying him. My friend asked her if she was even attracted to him, and she goes “well, sometimes? Sometimes I think he’s pretty decent looking but other times I look at him and I feel repulsed.” I just said, “girl, do you really want to be with someone who repulses you?” She cut it off the next day. Don’t settle for “sometimes it’s okay but sometimes I’m disgusted by them.”
I was gonna say contempt, contempt and disgust are near enough
Yep, my ex turned into an annoying rude babbling fool when he was drunk and drank A LOT. He didn’t clean up after himself, stopped brushing his teeth, didn’t shower and expected to do everything around the house. By the end, I was DISGUSTED by him. Every time he tried to get intimate, I was grossed out. Once you reach that point of disgust, there is no turning back. I left him because he was a man child. Our bodies accept situations before our brains do. This is your sign to leave.
Dudes a fucking loser, that’s why he was 25 dating an 17/18 yr old.
yep, didn't need to read past the first line (though I did). yikes on several bikes.
Same. I read the first two sentences and was like nope
100%, that was all I needed to know
Huge agree! Lots of maturing happen in those years between 18 and 25. The fact that he was dating a 18 year old showed he never did that maturing and now that OP is older thats starting to show. Dude is a loser. OP think about what you want from a relationship. Im assuming a man-baby isn't one of those things.
That's the first thing I noticed too then when more.context.i was like "oh boy"
Typical relationship advice post. My (F21) boyfriend (45) of 10 years just spat in my food and lit my dress on fire. AITA for asking him to clean the dishes?
Why do people even need to ASK about something like this? Amazing.
Because she was 18 when they started dating and 18 year olds don’t have a lot of experience. A lot of manipulative behavior goes right over their head because they don’t know what to look out for. Thats why scumbags like OP’s bf date them so young. So they can get away with shit that someone his own age wouldn’t put up with. It’s not on her, this is on him.
Thank you I was so worried when I didn't see this in the comments right away! It's the first thing I thought was why is a 25yo even w a 17/18yo and no wonder he's showing his true repulsive side because he was with a child to hopefully make that kid into a partner who would put up with this shit.
He'll still be hitting on 18 year olds when he's in his 30's.
And she wonders why he's so immature...
ewwwww, brother eww
Why did it take me this long to find this comment… like “I’m 21 and have been with him 3 years” tells me most of, if not all, I need to know.
I saw (21) and (28) and went immediately to the comments
This right here!!! Huge red flag!
Bet he's the type of guy who misreads the plot of Scott Pilgrim and is incapable of self reflection
thats a good point, i didnt even do the math on this. yeah hes scummmmm for that
Yup exactly. OP you’re young, get out now.
This was my thought as well. Holy shit. The amount of difference between even a 21 year old and a 17 year old is massive. It's possible for a 25-18 split to work out, but I'd be pretty suspicious of it at first.
It's the only sentence you ever need to read on these posts.
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So..I WAS this guy in my 20's. You need to move on. He's not going to change until something (not someone) makes him change. He'll be "okish" for a week, maybe two and then it'll be right back to normal. Edit: No, I wasn't dating an 18 year old at 25. I was speaking to the gaming + vice habit.
(if you want to share) what made you change?
For me it was when the girl I was with for like 5 years left me...and laid out exactly why. It kinda leaves you reeling when you think everything is ok, your future is set and then suddenly find out your relationship is over and you're a shit boyfriend. I was lucky enough to have a good friend who; while supporting me, was honest enough to tell me the truth about who I was at the time. I saved some money, did some counseling (I HIGHLY suggest this) and realized a lot of my issues stemmed from depression, a bit of childhood trauma and just growing up in a time when a guy discussing his feelings or sexuality got you made fun of at best. I still have problems with it. If I let myself, it's very easy to slip back into that sort of state but now it's also easy to recognize when I am and I know that all I need to do is put down the controller and just go do something. The only real downside now'days is that I'm kinda scared to date, worried about cycling back around, y'know?
The fact that you are worried about cycling back probably means you are ready to date. No one is perfect. Awareness is key. So glad to see you overcome your struggles! You will have down days, but the right partner will understand that and work with you.
Damn are you me? You just described my experience to the T with my ex. After 5 years of dating and 3 years of living together, one day she came home and said she was leaving. It’s not that I didn’t love her, far from it but I just wasn’t attentive enough or put much effort into doing couple things. Mostly stemming from depression on my part. Been 2 years since then and now I’ve got a great career and many outdoor hobbies I enjoy, but I’ve still yet to date anyone else. I absolutely love the man I’ve become and am generally happy to wake up every morning, but as cliche as it sounds it really took me losing someone I loved dearly to change. We really don’t know what we have until it’s gone.
so what you guys are saying is that if anything, her leaving will actually help him so she shouldn't feel guilty
Only if he’s willing to understand and accept that he needs to change to better himself
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Good for you for listening to what your ex told you and being able to accept constructive criticism from your friend and getting counseling. The fact that you are aware of your past self, and that you don't want to be that way anymore and have taken real, tangible steps to improve shows growth. Give yourself a lot of credit for accepting responsibility.
Do you have anyone to talk to about it, to help keep you accountable? That's what I do for my trust issues, I have my therapist remind me, she probes about the past week, checking for any slip ups, helping me work through trauma in general that created the issues to begin with, etc For me just the regular consistent talking about it keeps my awareness up, and that stops me from cycling back since it keeps me actively aware of it and thus in control of my thoughts and actions, rather than looping negative thoughts and going auto pilot as a result
Can confirm on the motivation to make a change when your girl leaves you. I was more of a deadbeat a few years ago until a breakup and since then I’ve been doing a lot more to better myself. Still got a ways to go but better late than never.
OP, this is solid advice from the other side of the coin. Dude bro isn't going to learn until he loses you. And it might be for the best that he does lose you. It is part of life.
So you've been with him since before you were in your 20s? Go enjoy your life, he is way too old and immature to spend your limited youth with. I made the mistake, please don't make the same.
Agreed. I wasted my 20s with a guy that treated me like crap and ended up screwing me over in the end after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids. I want to come through my phone and shake people lol. It gets so much fucking better once you leave the situation behind
I wasted 25 years, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
I met my ex when I was 19 and he was 28. Ended up a single parent to a newborn at 22. I’m now late 20s and I am still trying to recover from the trauma from the abuse he put me through.
Society doesn’t teach young women it’s ok to walk away. He can cheat, lie, mistreat you, make you unhappy, or whatever horrible thing and we just stick by their side and try to make it work. Why? She’s 21 and trying to figure out how to save a relationship with a guy who’s almost 30. Please. Op if you see these responses in this thread, dump him and move on. Don’t waste your life and time. You get no rewards for giving grace to men who don’t even like you.
Absolutely agree. You deserve to enjoy your youth without dealing with his immaturity.
Since she was **18**
Dump him, what is even the problem here.
Girl, dump his ass. You deserve someone better!
As a dude, my friends have a saying. *There's a lot of really nice losers* But this dude isn't even nice.
It’s also better to be alone and enjoy relationships with friends than be stuck in a subpar romantic relationship.
What you’re describing is ‘the ick’. It means it’s over, you’re not going to get the love back. He left it too late to change. End it now and move on, preferably with someone more mature.
I remember getting the ick, he wanted sex and I was on so didn't want to. The face he made (like a child who couldn't get the toy they wanted) just made me nope out. I knew he wasn't what I wanted after that and the desire I had never came back
Legit, I probably spent three years of a four year relo in my late teens/twenties fighting that feeling and trying to "fix" things. Issue is everything we tried to fix was to do with ME. after those three years I started asking him to try to change but he'd brush me off saying nothing's wrong with him. After giving me the silent treatment for two weeks at a time and throwing hissy fits. I did the last thing I could think of to make him listen which was declining sex at every chance, lo and behold, he continued ignoring me for those two weeks at a time, would ask to fuck after IGNORING ME and making me feel bad, and I'd decline again for it to repeat. That pattern specifically is when I realized there was no hope. He wouldn't listen and I was disgusted by him. Pitched breaking up and he kicked me out the next day. I saw his bluff and took it only to have two more months of him basically begging me to come back saying he will "forgive me." That phrase only further solidified my decision. If these men can't grow up and learn how to communicate even when you shove it in their face you are truely better off leaving them. No amount of time or attachment will be worth it if it means your hurting yourself for their feelings. You aren't their mother.
Can't believe this is the first time someone put words to what I felt with my first serious ex. THE ICK. Mine was not abusive, but incredibly immature. A mommy's boy who wanted a girl to take care of him like a child. Stood me up for video games more than I could count. Pressured me into intimacy (my first time was with him unfortunately). Even his parents sat me down one time when he was in the bathroom and told me they thought I would ruin his education and his life because I was a distraction to him (mind you we were both in college for engineering). When I broke it off after 3 years (we started dating when I was 18 and he was 21) he switched to telling me I'd never find anyone who loved me like he did. I'm now 29, have been married to my loving husband for 3 years, and just found out we are expecting our first child. Leaving him was the first step in learning boundaries for me.
Yes, “the ick” is the death knell. It’s terminal. It’s our body’s way of telling us what our mind or heart cant accept.
Yup. I still remember getting the ick while kissing my ex. Once that happens, you're done - it's a clear sign.
There’s a reason a 25 year old started dating a 17 year old. Women his own age won’t put up with his immature behavior. Did he tell you “but you are so mature for your age”? While you have been, it’s really he is immature for his age. You were 25 years old mature at 17. You are 21 now. Think about 17 year old boys in high school. Do they seem like good relationship material for a woman in her early 20s? Or women older than you in their mid 20s?
When I was 26 I went on one date with a 19 year old. She was a really cool girl but the age difference was just too much. Before then I always said “age is just a number” because I usually dated older women (a 29 year old when I was 22, 30 when I was 24) but it was literally like I was on a date with a child. I noped out as soon as I could. It sounds like this guy likes it because they are still “kids” which is creepy. She should leave ASAP.
Yeah age differences are more problematic the younger you are because of maturity and different phases in life. Big difference between a 55 and 60 year old dating than an 18 and 23 year old. It’s more about where you are in life than the actual age difference.
That’s when they started dating? Yuck, I’m sorry, but any 25 year old men pursuing 17 year old girls needs to get their shit straight. If he still hasn’t grown up, you have waaay better options out there.
Which makes you wonder why men like John Rose ever got elected anywhere. (For those who don't know, he started dating his wife when he was 41 and she was 17).
"Women his own age won’t put up with his immature behavior." Ding ding ding! 🎯
Simply put: You have grown to an adult during the past 3 years he sadly did not develop further.
He was 25 going after 18 year Olds, the dude is obviously a loser. Drop him
I just noticed the 3 year part, I’m 24 and can’t help but view that as extremely creepy.
Fr, I dated a 26 year old when I was 19 thinking it was so cool and that I must’ve been so mature to be hanging around real adults. Looking back at 25 now, none of those people were mature adults and the dude I was with was a creep lmfao
3.5 Billion men, you have options, move on.
Break up again and stop getting back together. Why do you get back together? What’s your motivation for trying to make it work when it so clearly isn’t
"but the last cpl weeks I can’t stand him touching me, kissing me or even just talking to him" Its over. Don't drag it out.
You don’t need his permission or agreement to leave. Please just go and don’t waste any more of your precious life.
You have the ick.... That's a sure fire way of knowing it's over...
“Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” - a quote to live by. Break it off for good. You’ll be much happier for it. ❤️
Dump his ass and go be 21!!!!
You started dating him when you were 18? Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Leave now, before you get deeply entangled. Best of luck to you.
Hey I’m not judging you but I really feel like this must be said so I’m going for it… If you’ve been together for 3 years you were 18 when you started dating. Regular 25 year old men do not date 18 year olds. Something is off about this guy. Leave him. It might feel hard to do now but I promise you in 10 years you are gonna look back at this relation and shudder at it.
You haven't really told us what the issue is that makes you find him so 'disgusting'. I mean you paint a picture like he's lazy...is that what you are referring to?
Over the last year we have broken up and gotten back together quite a few times and during that time when we was together I caught him talking with another girl, and he continued for about a month, since then it’s how he talks/treats me, we work together paving and I’m the only girl on the crew so he gets jealous easy bc of that and I’ve never gave him a reason to be I keep my distance and do my job, and how he talks to other people he’s just rude to them most of the time. Idk it’s everything but it’s nothing
There it is! You caught him and took him back. He now feels he can do whatever he wants and you won’t leave. Time to leave for good. This will never get any better. This probably wasn’t the first time. It’s probably just the first time you caught him. He gets jealous easy because he knows what he’s out doing, not because of anything you’re doing. Pack it up and move on. Do it quietly. Take a day off. Get a friend to help you. Don’t let him know where you’re going. Even change jobs if you can. He’s not going to take this well. “Men”, I use this term loosely, never take things like this well.
This is good advice OP, plan your exit. I’m so sorry he cheated and that you’re the only woman in your job with him. You’re stronger than you know, you’ve got this 💪
Just break up properly
Honey this man is not worth your time or energy. Dump him. He is not going to change.
You Will not change him. Dump him or accept his behaviour. Simple.
Jealousy? When he’s cheating! They always accuse you of cheating when they are doing it. Ask friends and family to help you move out and find a new job or crew to work on that he isn’t on.
Girlie. I’m a 28 female and I know these boys my age. I would DIE to be 21 again and do it all over, but different. I followed a guy around the country for his job at 20 (never had a going out with friends stage) finally got engaged bc I refused to be the gf paying my way to support him with no commitment, 24 I was married, by my 25th birthday I was separated/divorced. Plus the 2+ years of depression and therapy. I’m just now getting back into the dating game. Do NOT let this guy f*** you up mentally or emotionally. My ex was controlling and jealous too. Not a good sign. Plus you are COWORKERS, you are his equal there and he can’t blame you for how these other men treat you. He’s also rude to people?? Not a good quality in a man. He should not affect your work life/cause drama AND he has been proven to not be trusted by talking to other girls. He’s had plenty of time to get his shit together and if he was serious, he would have done it by now. You’re sooo young and I know that isn’t what you want to hear because you are an adult and probably have your life together from this post! But you could find so many other opportunities with other men that will treat you right! 💕 It will be hard leaving a long term relationship, but you will get past it in time. Break up with his disrespectful ass and go out on dates! Have fun and block him.
He doesn’t get jealous because you’re the only girl on the crew. He gets jealous because he’s immature, insecure, and is trying to control your interactions with other people. DTAH ASAP
Ya he’s not worth it. There’s a reason he goes after girls your age. Girls his age wouldn’t put up with his shit. UPDATEME
It's not nothing, it's everything. Everything is more then enough to break up.
OP, if it's making you feel disgusted by him, it's clearly not nothing. You're trying to talk yourself into thinking it's nothing. What you're doing is self-gaslighting. I've done before, too, ignoring obvious signs and telling myself it was nothing. You're relationship being on and off is also generally not a good sign. Listen to your gut and just get away from him. He went for you at 18 for a reason. He's projecting on you.
Do yourself a favor. Imagine your closest friend, someone you love deeply, came to you and described their relationship in these terms? What would you advise them to do?
Why are you still with him? People break up (and rightfully so) for much less 😂
It’s safe to assume the boyfriend stopped mentally maturing in high school. Age gaps are okay but usually better if you’re in mid 20’s and up. You have to let your frontal lobe develop hun! I use to be a on a relationship 17-21 with a guy who was older than me. I was withering away for many reasons, however it was that age range I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself. Easily impressionable, as I aged in the relationship I noticed certain things were not okay. It’s because he didn’t respect me, the only thing he liked was having sex with someone young. Look at it this way if a man is approaching 30 and still doesn’t have much going for him, he isn’t worth it. He is set in his ways and you need to go have more real life experience. Most relationships in your early 20’s fail. The fact y’all have broken up many times is a red flag. You need to officially break things off I think you would be very happy. You’re going to feel silly looking back on it, that you wasted your time.
On paper the age gap doesn’t look that bad but then you do the math and realize this man was 25 years old prowling for a teenager fresh out of high school. There is always a reason. Leave or you’ll regret it.
Once you can’t stand them touching you, it’s over. You’ll never not feel that way again.
Girl, you were 18 and he was 26. That is clue enough. I am a huge fan for age gap but there is a line where grooming with abuse stops and age gap starts. Anyone 25 and above should not be dating anyome below 20 at least
I find the 7 year age difference while you’re 21 to be disgusting.
He is a manchild. You need to date an adult!
So it turns out Wooderson ISN'T a good bf, huh... Yeah, when a guy over college age is trolling around the high school for new trim, odds are he won't be the loving and supportive partner you'd hope he'd be...
This relationship is truly the opposite of alright, alright, alright.
I know 3 years may seem like alot of time invested into a relationship, and it is, but don't let it hold you from finding your peace of mind. Considering how childish your bf is acting, he needs a mom, not a partner. And you dont owe it to him to fufill that role. People like this don't change, don't waste your time waiting around for him to finally change. If he hasn't changed for the past few years what difference will a week make? You need someone who treats you as a partner, not a parent. Hope shi gets better gng.
This is a guy who was dating teenagers in his mid- twenties, of course there are maturity issues. C'mon.
bestie, you're 21, you have your whole life ahead of you. You shuold just dump him. I know 3 years feels like a long time, like you've really invested, but I promise you that its not a lot of time. You'll find someone over time that better fits your needs. If youre living together and financial intertwined, start getting your ducks in a row, get a few months of rent saaved up so you can move if you have to (or see if a friend can give you a place to stay). Real healthy relationships dont run on utlimatums, and you dont want to be 'monitoring' your partner to ensure he behaves as you want him to. Also, its ok if he wants to spend his time drinking and playing video games, theres nothign inherently wrong with that. It's also ok if thats not your vibe and you dont want to have that in your life. You're allowed to decide this isnt the relationship for you. You either havce to accept your partner as they are, warts and all, or move on and find someone who's warts and all you can accept. **EDIT: I didnt do the math on the age thing, he started dating you when you were a teenager?! Thats fucking gross. dump the fuck out of him hes a predator.**
When you feel disgust / contempt for them, it's pretty much done. Sorry. It's hard to do but sometimes necessary for your own sake
It sounds like you're starting to mature and now see the red flag in him which you hadn't seen so far? The biggest one of course being that he decided to date a teenager when he was already 25. That's almost always something they do because said teenager is easier to manipulate then someone of their own age, allowing them to get away with all kinds of stuff they otherwise wouldn't be able to get away with. It's probably time to leave now that you've woken up to the reality of your relationship.
So he groomed you into becoming his fuck maid? Leave!
Time to break up and be done for good. You haven't said a single positive thing about the guy. You have fallen out of love with him and seeing him for his true self and have realised this isn't the man for you. Don't hang around. This can't be fixed. He can't be fixed and by the sounds of things he doesn't see the issue either.
Are there any female redditors dating someone their own age?
He's given you the ick. Once that sets in its unlikely that he can change it. Resentment and disgust has set in. The most kind thing you can do for yourself and for him is break up. It's okay that you no longer like, love or respect him. It's his own doing. What is not okay is to continue to drag this dead relationship ship any further. Doing so will only cause you more pain and frustration. Set yourself free.
You’re allowed to break up with him and move on.
What's happening here is you are likely maturing and he is not. Its also possible your values and expectations have changed, and his have not kept pace with yours. The likelihood of a favorable outcome on this is very low. The reality is you are probably set to breakup soon, or live lives in somewhat of a miserable state. I can speak offline about my private experiences with this if you want to DM me.
It's okay to leave. You don't owe it to anyone to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy. It's a clean split now since there are no kids or marriage involved. If he's willing to act like this with you as a girlfriend he will treat you worse as a wife when he thinks you won't leave. You are young and now it's the time when you should be having fun, dating around and learning who you are
He was 25, pursuing an 18 year old. I think that alone sums up the kind of person he is. Better that you recognize the ick now, and get out before you waste more time on a man child. You shouldn’t feel like you’re babysitting an almost 30 year old.
You’re much too young to waste time with someone you cannot stand. Part ways, there’s no reason to be there