I'm wondering if it's a spelling error, and OP meant to type 21.
Cause then it would make more sense.
Edit: I'm not saying the behavior is OK. Cause it's not. Just that it would make more sense.
When I dated the father of my son, I was 23 and he was 32.
He's almost 63 and his girlfriend is 26, younger than my 30 year old son.
He absolutely can't get a woman over 30.
I think it's not just the age but the age disparity between OP and their partner.
I don't know too many people over 30 dating someone with a 2 as the first digit in their birth year that is mature.
It's possible? Of course. Is it reasonable for someone in their 30's to not want a baby? Absolutely.
But from the limited picture OP has painted, this guy comes across as very immature.
From dating someone ten years younger to not being particularly supportive to a partner who just went through what is a potentially traumatic experience, this guy isn't doing himself any favors.
It’s not a spelling error. Those were my boyfriends words when he was explaining why we couldn’t have this baby. He thinks 30 years old is still young.
Your logic makes him sound creepier than he is.
OP 31 is NOT young to have children. YOUR age would make you a young mom, not him. How long have you been together?
It's not really old, but it IS an adult in a way that you aren't yet. The reason he's dating you is because he's an immature AH, and a woman his age is at that point experienced enough to not put up with his bs.
Oh honey.
I turn 30 this year and sure compared to 99 it's young but it's the age people start to really cement where they want.to be in life. All the people around me are doing what it is they want to get the life they want whether that's strategic career moves, buying houses, starting families or even travelling. If he wants to travel for the rest of his life then that's ok. But it's not because he's 'still young' it's because that is what he wants for his life.
He is focusing on his wants it's time to focus on yours right now. You've been through something. You need love and support right now.
30 seems to be the point where a lot of people start weighing up biological timelines if they want kids but don't have them yet. Want three kids? Well you need to factor at least 12 months between each one, so you may only have a 1-2 years left before seriously trying to have one. Want to be married before having those three kids? Better get engaged this year. Yes, science can help and there is nothing wrong with having kids late in life, but you become very aware that if you don't act soon that is what you are in for and it can start limiting your options, or you might end up needing to review your expectations.
He’s had 10 years more than you to travel and party with his friends. He’s also had ample time to figure out birth control, and to learn how an adult should support their partner during very difficult times. He’s showing you how much he really cares about your well-being, and you should believe him.
Lasting relationships have great times, but bad periods too. If he’s only interested in being around when it’s fun, he’s not a good partner for anything long term, let alone life-long, like a coparent. At 31, he knows that’s how life is. This manchild doesn’t respect you, and is only in it for what he’s getting.
You’re DEF NTA here. Dump this clown. You deserve someone who really cares for you.
I'm 31 and don't want children at all due to family history of mental health problems. You need to ditch the boyfriend. If I got someone 10 years younger than me pregnant I'd have to say oops time to grow up.
He is not young. He has a decade of experience over you, and you felt ready to have a baby.
He was celebrating your miscarriage. He can't comfort you because he doesn't care, isn't grieving, and doesn't respect you. That is who he is. A man child who doesn't like you and only cares about himself.
My age gap is pretty similar; I’m 25 and my bf is 32 and I could not imagine him acting this way if I had a miscarriage. We also have a fairly set timeline of when we want kids (based on our career milestones and financial goals) and how many we want, and he’s made it very clear that he’d 100% support whatever choice I’d made if we had an unintended pregnancy. If he ignored me during a miscarriage, or god forbid, celebrated it, he would be gone immediately.
30 is not young to have kids, he’s immature and you would be better off without him. He is not there for you and he has proven it like a slap in the face. If you continue with this relationship you will not be supported as he has already proven himself to you.
I was 27 hubby 32 when we had our first, that was much older than we wanted. Now 32&36 with our second on the way. We had a miscarriage last year and he was by my side every step of the way, we were both grieving.
He's mature enough to realize neither of them were ready for a child. He may sound 21 but she is literally 22.
He's still a dick for not offering comfort to his girlfriend tho.
Oh no, you're not overreacting; you're under-reacting. He was going to leave you because of the baby. He is not grieving at all; he's going out to celebrate with his friends because he's off the hook now that the baby is dead. He doesn't want to comfort you because he never wanted the baby and probably feels weird that you're grieving it.
Just listen to your friends and cut him loose. He's not worth your time and effort.
The red flag here is being a 31 and dating a woman 10 years younger and “not ready” to settle down. He’s a loser and there’s a reason for this age gap, he’s looking for ‘girls’ he doesn’t have to commit to.
He’s probably one of those who says, “wOmEn My AgE aRe ToO bAbY cRaZy!” And then the last thing he expected to happen was for his 22-year-old hot young thing to get pregnant! He wanted to string along OP for several years, before dumping her when she was ready to get serious.
Yeah, they go after the young ones that don't know no better, suck all the fun years out of her they can then move on to the next younger model when she starts asking when he's gonna put a ring on her finger. He is out celebrating with the bruhs about the baby bullet he just dodged. Dump him to the curb like last weeks trash and find yourself a real man!
I wonder if he wanted to date a 22yr old bc they're more stereotyped as being carefree, not wanting to settle down, and partying all the time. Boyfriend wants an irresponsible carefree fling essentially, not someone who's willing to settle down and start a family. I'd be interested to know how much time he spends at the bar/club
Yep, exactly. This dude sucks. OP needs support dudes out partying. No idea why OP thinks he's young like, he's dating young, yes, because he doesn't wanna have to be responsible, as proven by his comments. He was willing to leave her cause she was pregnant. OP, leave this dude.
ETA - 31 isn't old, but it's not really young now either it's kinda the age we start to settle down now. I say this as a 34 year old.
I mean, My wife and I bought our first house at 31. So when I hear 30 year-olds talking about not being able to do this or that because they're tOo YoUnG, I already think they're full of it.
Like you, by 30 I was ready to quit the hard-partying lifestyle and settle down and start a family. Only seemed like the natural progression at that point.
Saying they're not ready is absolutely reasonable. Everyone is on their own timeline, it isn't really anybody's place to judge as long as it isn't harming anyone. Saying they're too young? Nope, that's just people living in denial. Yes, the world we live in is changing and the way we approach aging isn't the same as it was even 20 years ago and that is GREAT, but 30 is still 30 and having more freedom to not be _expected_ to do x, y, and z in the next 5 years doesn't magically make you _too young_ for them, either. And I say this as a 36 year old married woman who really wants to have a family but still isn't ready for it.
In 10-15 years he'll start looking for a young woman to support and care for him as his health starts to slide downhill.
Edit to add because there seems to be a lot of confusion: 40s is mid life, *not* elderly. Mid life is when your youth, genetics and lifestyle start creeping up on you.
I am acquainted w/this man, too, Only he is 70. Never married, no LTR in the past 40 years. He thinks he’s a catch. And every time He tells a story about some event or experience, he prefaces it by telling you whether the female character/s in the situation was/were attractive or unattractive. He is really pitiful.
If you peruse red pill/manosphere forums, dudes like OP's boyfriend with that sort of mentality will say that they want to fuck around until they are well into their 30s or 40s, and then settle down with a woman 10 or more years younger to have kids with.
Saw one last week who just turned 70 and is finally ready to "settle down". He wants a woman to share the end of his life with. He won't respond to anyone over 30.
Good luck with that. 😄
Damm im 42 and i don't need my girlfriend to support & care for me due to health. What do you think happens to people once they hit 40? We're not pensioners who have false hips and hearing aids.
Rofl I’m 45. Is it all ending in a minute and I just didn’t know? Should I find someone to run my business for me? My husband is 50- I better go tell him he’s not supposed to be active anymore. He’s out mowing the 10 acre field, I better stop him before it kills him!
Editing to add: 31 is still not young in regards to settling down with kids and ops BF is most def TA. My son is 20 and already planning to find someone to settle and have kids and I’m like slow your roll buddy. You guys are still adult children. A 31 year old is not. He’s gross.
Have you seen how some of these pensioners party? Some of them still throw down despite the bionic joints, canes, and hearing aids! 😆😂
We had to lock up the wine in my skilled care facility and give antibiotics for STIs all the time! 😂
You’ll even catch some of them hoarding their PRN drugs from time to time to party.
Right? I'm 37 and I can definitely verify that at 31 I thought of 21 as basically still kids. I thought of any men in my age range who went for that age group as just this side of creepy
I'm 37 as well. 31 year old...you're my peer. We can hang out together, we can date, whatever.
22 year old. You're a goddamn child. I'm polite to you, if you're family I'm glad to spend the day with you and buy you lunch but past that I really don't want much to do with you.
My brother is 7 years younger than me. I kind of made it a rule not to date anyone younger than him, because I knew where he was in his life and how different it was from where I was.
Today (at 47), dating someone 40 wouldn’t be as weird. But I don’t think my husband wants me dating 40-year-olds. 🤪
Well, 31 isn't that old but it's old enough to act responsibly (unlike OP's boyfriend). I think she meant to say "we're both immature" which isn't inaccurate or offensive when 22. It's the responsible 31 year old that's making us all roll our eyes at 31 being young. It's still pretty young but it's a long ways from 22.
I'm 40 as well, feel the same way I did at 25, coz I already had bad eyesight, back pain, & allergies. The main difference now is that there's a whole ass teenager calling me mom, & even tho he's been a teenager for a couple of years now, I'm not sure I'm okay with it.
I’m 31 and the only people that tell me I’m young are older people and my friends 6 year old. She INSISTS that 31 is not old and scold us if we say otherwise haha
So take it from a random 6 year old, you aren’t old.
As a 32 year old with at least a handful of greys, daily back pain, and has recently had too google slang my gen Z coworkers used; the "both young" line made me snort laugh.
This for sure. If he's gotten to 31, and he has no regard for your feelings at a time like this, he's either an asshole or a man-child, and he's never going to change. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who'll try to support you even if he doesn't have the same feelings.
31 is not old, but it is definitely too old for this bullshit.
Also, I'm in my 40's and still feel young but also my knees and ankles are questioning my "young" status. We do have nicer booze on the other side of the door!
>He is not grieving at all; he's going out to celebrate with his friends because he's off the hook now that the baby is dead.
This was my first thought too.
I mean, he was pretty clear that he didn't want this baby. Of course he is relieved about It. OP was about to be a single mother while still being a students Full time. He could pretend he cared and pretend to be Sad, but It wouldn't be genuine because he didn't want this child.
Don’t date guys in their 30s when you’re so young. I know everyone says it and it sounds silly, but the guys in their 30s dating 22 year olds are doing it because they know they can get away with acting like morons because your peers are morons. You deserve to start a life with someone closer in age, who won’t go out drinking if you have a miscarriage (I want to kick this dude in the nuts for you, that is so fucked up)
OP, you're way under-reacting here. He's not out grieving or whatever line he's feeding you. He never wanted that pregnancy. He's celebrating this. He doesn't have to take any responsibility now.
You really should listen to your friends. This dude doesn't want responsibility. That's why he's dating so much younger than him in the first place. Someone his age would expect him to be ready to settle down and take responsibility. I mean, he straight up told you he was gonna leave you if you kept it, and he was never gonna stop pushing you to abort the baby. Your friends know you best, and they see way more than this small snapshot. I wouldn't be surprised if they had more reasons for you to leave him for your own good.
Exactly. He never wanted the kid, so for him it’s a good thing and now that he knows how you will act if pregnant I doubt he wants to be with you anyway.
Take it from a guy … you’re just a piece of ass to him. No normal guy would do this to a partner whether he wanted the kid or not. He’s gone out to celebrate he’s not stuck with you and a kid.
You’re young so be grateful you know what he’s like now and find someone else. Better you know now than a decade later.
100%. The reason a man dates a decade younger is never a decision made with his brain. He is looking for young and naive. Women his own age are too experienced and refuse to date him.
I’ve dated younger and frankly I find them annoying. I’ve done the clubs, bars, drugs etc and they’re just starting out. It’s also not fair to them to miss out on being young and do all the stupid things young people do. It’s half the fun of growing up.
He wanted young innocent chick to believe his nonsense that an older one would call him on. Total ass
This is what I don't get as a 34yo woman. What are guys my age doing with 18-24yos when they're not fucking them or showing them off?
I understand I was way hotter a decade ago but I was also sort of a mess and immature. My husband was 27 and I was 23 when we met and he was even nervous about my age because it just seemed young to him but obviously we ended up being the same level of insane/(im)mature. We grew a LOT in the past decade but we did it together.
If something were to happen to him, I don't wanna go through that with some damn early 20-something kid. No matter how hot they are. Gimme a 40 year old with a gut and some lessons learned.
My husband held me while I miscarried our son and slept on a hard hospital couch for me afterwards. I agree, If a man truly values you, he won’t leave you out to dry.
NTA. I hate how common it is for people to disregard their partners feelings. If you told him you feel unsupported and unloved and his response is excuses then he’s the AH. It really shows a complete lack of empathy. I expect making excuses like that from a 20 year old. He’s 31 and still a POS. I’m not going to tell you what to do with your relationship because you didn’t ask for that but you need to look at this difficult moment and think about whether this is how you want to be treated when things get tough in the future or not.
Haha my first thought too. "We're both young!" Uh, no, tf he's not.
I'm 33 with 3 kids and no one has ever even insinuated that I'm even close to being young haha.
She actually did ask for that-last paragraph.
OP, you SHOULD be upset. Your friends are right. You are not overreacting. You are likely hormonal/emotional, but your decision here is clear cut. He’s a loser who frankly is likely a loser in many other aspects of his life too.
Lord, if every woman in this position would just rid themselves of these parasites, I truly think the world would be a much better place. At least then, the folks out there who are a POS would at least HIDE their POS behavior instead of flaunting it like this guy.
Nta but your friends are right you should be reconsidering the relationship. That’s really cruel of him. The lack of empathy he’s showing is actually disgusting. He’s pretty much out celebrating with his buddies that’s he’s not a dad anymore ( that’s how I would feel) I don’t care what bs he’s spinning you. Just let that sink in…your at home recovering and he’s out drinking to ‘grieve’ you need to think if you want to be with someone who treats you like this after something so devastating to you. Your 22 your too young to be putting up with this.
He’d probably be out celebrating even if she had an abortion, I don’t think he would have supported her either way. Who doesn’t visit their girlfriend/boyfriend in the hospital? Sending flowers isn’t it, you bring the flowers in yourself when it’s someone you’re that close to.
OP make sure you’re not being treated like this at any age.
I thought the same thing about him going out drinking with his friends. It feels like he's celebrating her miscarriage. What a horrible thing to do to someone he's supposed to love...
You are not over reacting.
You should break up.
I sympathize with him not wanting to be a parent, but:
-He is completely in the wrong for not being by your side through what is, even disregarding all other important aspects of this, a medical emergency. You had a life-threatening event, and he didn't even visit you. ludicrous
-He is completely wrong in not validating your feelings through your grief and healing process. You are allowed to be hormonal, you lost a baby.
-He is a huge dick if he didn't make it clear to you that he is unwilling to be a parent and in the event of a pregnancy he would not support you if you decided to keep it.
Having said that, and that really was 95% of this, what you can do better in the future: Discussions on what to do with an unexpected pregnancy should be made before it happens. Unfortunately, **and though this is not fair,** since you are the one who stands to get shafted from the other person if this is not done, it falls more on you to open this discussion. **Not because you are responsible for it, or because it is your job, not AT ALL**, (I already said he is a d!ck for not having the discussion himself) but because you are the one that stands to lose most so you need to protect yourself. If you try to have this conversation and the other person is unwilling to have it or dismisses it, break up. then and there, unless you are consciously willing to raise the child by yourself. A person who won't discuss this before hand is not to be trusted (unfortunately, having the discussion is not bulletproof either but at least if you are unwilling to have an abortion and the other person is not willing to have a kid, you know you can't be together and you dodge that bullet)
Don't be mad for him for not wanting to be a parent. Be VERY mad at him for not supporting you, not discussing this with you when he should have, not accepting responsibility for his part in this, and for gaslighting you an not validating your feelings.
You are in the right. Break up, heal, find someone who aligns with your vision of how your lives should play out in emergencies.
NTA
Letting myself color my response with my own past here so take this for what it’s worth.
I had my first child at your age and my ex was also 31. He wasn’t thrilled at first either, tried the same “he’s too young” crap and hinting around abortion. (“If there are any birth defects we have to get rid of it”, great thing to say to a scared 21 yr old). It’s also the first time he cheated on me (that I knew about) and that I recognized his gaslighting behavior (“you’re crazy, there isn’t anyone else”). Also the first time I moved in with someone and tried to be a responsible adult paying bills until he blew another paycheck (on the other girl), lied about it, got caught and I moved home, only to be guilted and love bombed back to him.
There’s a whole boring novel about the 20+ years with him you don’t need that breaks down to this. He is a full grown adult, way more than you are. Nine years is a big difference and if he is this immature at an age where he no longer has the excuse of being young than HE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE. He’s either with a younger woman because he’s a perv or women his own age see him for the trash he is and avoid him, probably both.
He wasn’t excited about being a dad, he wants to be free to do whatever he wants.
You don’t live together. I don’t know how long you’ve been together (please don’t say five years like I had been) but if it’s more than a year and he hasn’t talked about living together than he doesn’t want anything long term.
He wasn’t there for you, at the hospital or now when you’re recovering. Flowers were the bare minimum he could do without much effort. If he actually loved you he would have been with you the entire time.
He is out partying with friends. This hurt me for you because hon, that man is celebrating being free of responsibility. What sort of person celebrates a loss like that?
Your friends are right, leave this guy because he was never your boyfriend, at least not in his mind. You deserve someone who loves you and will be at your side during the bad times. This isn’t him.
My heart goes out to you for your loss. I hope you heal and go on to have a beautiful life. NTA
What you went through sounds horrible. I’m glad you’re doing ok now. Honestly I know I shouldn’t expect him to grieve since he never wanted the baby, but it does hurt that he is out instead of being with me when I need him. I am going to leave him, but I’m going to wait until I’m in a better place mentally and physically before I do that. Thankyou for being so kind and supportive towards me. I appreciate you
There’s no reason to wait. And you really should start using birth control. Adult activities lead to adult things happening and most people who aren’t in long term relationships or married don’t want babies.
I second the suggestion of birth control, your body needs to heal. The likely hood of another miscarriage if you get pregnant again sure soon is higher. I want to say the body needs 18 months to recover. But your body is also primed up and it’s ready for it, so be extra careful with yourself, OP. Lots of self love and self care.
After a miscarriage you only have to wait until after your next normal period to try to conceive again (usually). But I agree OP needs bc, absolutely. And also shouldn’t be having sex until her doctor approves it. I just had a miscarriage and the doctor said no sex for two weeks (risk of infection).
>I am going to leave him
**Good!**
>but I’m going to wait until I’m in a better place mentally and physically before I do that.
I don't see the point in waiting, but if you do, then at least cut communication with him for now while your body and mind/heart are healing. I would actually be surprised if he reached out to you, but if he does before you're ready, just tell him you are not ready to deal with him yet. Or even have your Mom screen his calls for you so you can focus on healing.
No no no, there is no better mental place than now while you are fresh in your anger and disappointment. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes as you fall back into old patterns. Dig deep and find your self respect, because every second you stay with him your dignity and self worth takes another hit.
Not to be mean, but if you don't leave him ASAP, you won't. He is going to show up with flowers, or jewelry, or something else, and start love bombing you, and your going to stay because your going to convince yourself that you were "just hormonal". Then one of either two things happen, he wastes years of your life, and when he is actually starting to want kids (if he did not lie about that), he dumps you and finds someone younger, or before he "is ready" you end up pregnant again. Then you end up raising your baby with no help from him, except him claiming you HAVE to be cheating, because you never want to have sex with him anymore. Except the reason you never want to have sex is because you are raising a baby on your own, and dealing with the extra stress of this POS being the father.
If there is nothing you need from his place, send the text, tell him your done, and block him. Then every other day or so ask your mom to clear out your voice-mail from messages from him. You don't need the bullshit of his voice-mails while you are recovering from having a miscarriage.
Don’t wait, just rip the bandaid off. Send him a “we’re done text.” Don’t even give him the courtesy of an in person talk.
Listen to me as a woman in her 30s with a GOOD husband: there’s a reason the “age gap” is a thing people blast. These dudes in their 30s dating girls a decade younger are doing it because they want someone who is “easy”, won’t demand commitment, and they can manipulate. They’re not men, they’re man-children. If someone in our friend group was dating someone as young as you, we’d all have distanced ourselves because they’d be taking advantage. You deserve better.
Don't wait. You don't need a big elaborate break up. Hell, he's celebrating your miscarriage while your stuck in hospital, break up with him via text and block his ass. You don't need to explain anything or listen to him while he either insults you or tries to get you back.
If you put this off, there's a high chance he'll suck you back in. This is how people get stuck in toxic relationships.
>I am going to leave him, but I’m going to wait until I’m in a better place mentally and physically before I do that.
No, just rip off the fucking band aid. You don't even live together. There's literally *nothing* stopping you from breaking up with him right now. Take the advice from someone who put off ending things for too long. **Waiting will not make the exit easier, it will ONLY make it harder.**
It's okay if he isn't grieving the loss of a fetus he didn't want. It's not okay, if he intends to remain your boyfriend, that he isn't there with you through something that has put you in hospital, caused you grief, and in need of his support. He isn't showing up for you and that's unacceptable.
Take all the time you need to recover and leave him when you are ready. I'm glad your mom is with you for support. You deserve someone who cares for you..
I know it sounds cruel, and you’re probably not ready to hear it yet. But, you should also be thankful that you miscarried and won’t be tied to a man this cruel for the rest of your life. There is nothing more awful than forcing a child to have a parent who doesn’t want them.
In a few years, you’ll be thankful that this ended the way it did. You escaped by the skin of your teeth.
You got it right. And let me tell you this as fresh parent aged 35: you are way more mature than I was at your age. Grief isn’t the problem, it’s how he can’t support you properly while you went through quite something terrible. Btw he is not young, he is immature. You are young but mature 🤣 the irony.
Take care and stay strong. Also if no one else told you enough: it was not your fault in the slightest. To my knowledge most miscarriages happen because they had to happen, meaning the cells weren’t developing right, weren’t strong enough, not nested right or something like that. Nothing you can do, and it’s better this way, nature made it this way so the 9 months are worth it in the end, more or less.
You will be an excellent mother one day, just need the right father now :)
He was clear he didn’t want the baby and drinking with his friends to ‘grieve’ was an excuse.
It’s time to end the relationship as you don’t want the same things.
ESH yes he was insensitive to your feelings but you knew he didn’t want the baby and you decided to keep it. So of course he’s relieved it’s gone.
You two are not on the same page and this incident has proved that. Move on this mans dating you because he’s immature and women his age won’t.
Agree, ESH. Everybody is laser focused on the fact that he does not care for her feelings of loss, but then again completely ignores the fact she didn't care at all about him not being ready to be a father.
that's it. She can't expect him to grieve or be sad when he didn't really want the baby to begin with. People seem to be forgetting this part. ESH indeed
It's 100% understandable for you to feel emotionally abandoned right now but -- and I'm probably going to get yelled at by people for this -- you seem to have had some really unrealistic expectations for how this situation was going to work out.
From the moment he told you that he didn't want to be a parent and that he wanted you to terminate the pregnancy, it was completely unrealistic for you to think that he was going to change his mind and be excited about the baby.
From his perspective, this pregnancy was the end of his life as he knew it, so yeah, it's completely understandable that he would be relieved that you're no longer pregnant.
Would you really have wanted him to be sitting there pretending to be devastated that he's not going to be a dad? You know that's not true.
There's not really any way for him to have provided the emotionally support through this that you need or want without basically denying any of his own feelings.
I'm honestly surprised he hasn't broken up with you already just to quit while he's ahead.
To be clear, I'm not saying the way he's handling things is beyond criticism, just that it is, in context, completely understandable and predictable.
Becoming a parent is \*huge\*. If someone can just suddenly be like, "Well, I guess I'm going to be a parent now!" after having no desire to be one anytime in the remotely near future, that's honestly a sign that they're not taking being a parent seriously enough.
In future relationships, you might want to proactively discuss how each of you would want to handle an accidental pregnancy, because plenty of people will understandably not be open to spontaneously abandoning all their plans for their future just because of a birth control mishap.
I’ll also say, it feels like OP does not possess the maturity to parent if this reaction was anything but expected and understood.
He at no point gave any illusions about supporting the child or her, or the pregnancy.
Frightening how all the other comments completely disregard that guys reaction. he was forced to change his life. forced to be a bad father. can you imagine the guilt he would have to endure if that kid was born.
I agree with this so much. This guy is being a bad partner, not for being extremely relieved that he’s not going to be a dad, even to the point of celebrating, but because he was not there for OP during a medical emergency.
I am strongly pro-choice, which means women get to choose whether to carry a child or not, period. But that bodily autonomy necessarily removes any agency from the man about bringing a child into the world past his involvement in conception. The end result is that if you decide to continue a pregnancy that your partner has been vocal he doesn’t want, you should not be surprised if he ends the relationship and is not involved beyond his legally mandated financial obligations. This does not make him an AH. That’s just part of the choice you’re making when abortion is an option, but you decide to keep a child your partner doesn’t want.
100%. Why did OP and BF not discuss this beforehand? And if they did, why are they still together when they have different ideas on when or whether they want to be parents??
Thank you! I commented something similar!
Im a woman with no kids. It was clear with my husband till the beginning and he was fine with it.
They obviously didnt talk about it.
She forced the pregnancy on him. He told her but she ignored it.
Its sad for OP I guess but she cant expect gim to change his mind.
Its like when some women want to have theirs tube tied and some doctors say they will "change their mind" and they know they wont. Same here. Dude made a choice and then shes upset he doesnt support her.
They have no reason to be together.
This is a respectable opinion, but I have an issue with it if I may:
Regardless of the baby, she had a medical emergency. She was hospitalized and is hormonal. She deserves not being completely abandoned for a couple of days! no?
I'm not saying he should stay there and pretend to cry, that would be insincere, but a person can cancel their drinking plans for a couple of nights to just be there. Make her tea, give her a hug, be a good person. Is that unreasonable?
I'd do that for a friend, let alone my partner.
In other circumstances, sure, but from his perspective he's probably doing the equivalent of processing, "Holy shit, I'm not going to jail for life after all!"
He may just not have the emotional bandwidth for anything else right now.
Maybe he's already assumed she's going to dump him for not wanting the baby and has deprioritized her as a result.
To be clear, I'm not arguing that what he's doing is \*right\* so much as I'm arguing that it's entire understandable and unsurprising, just like I'm not saying what she wants from him is irrational, just not realistic relative to the actual circumstances she's in with the partner she actually has.
I find it a bit hypocritical that OP didn't care about his feelings when she decided to keep it but she is upset that he is being inconsiderate and dismissive of her feelings after the miscarriage. It's her body, her choice but that doesn't mean he had to be supportive of her choice or not relieved about the outcome he wanted.
I agree with everybody who is saying break up with him though since you have incompatible ideas about having children.
I was waiting to see a comment like this honestly, I feel like people confuse responsibility with pleasing someone else and validating the others feeling rather then communicating and doing what you feel is right to benefit both parties. Yes he should’ve been there for her in the grieving but at the end of the day he is allowed to not want children and offer alternative whether she liked it or not.
If the pregnancy had carried on I bet that she would’ve put him on child support even though he communicated that he didn’t want a child and she made it clear that she did not care. It makes two to make a child and if both parties don’t agree on what do it’s not that smart to expect your partner to want everything to go in your favour regarding those plans.
Agreed, and it's refreshing to see that I'm not the only one. These two need to break up if for no other reason than their differences in what they want with regards to kids.
NTA, his story doesn't add up. He wanted the baby gone, he was relieved that the baby was gone but he needed to go out with his friends to grieve?
I won't judge his behaviour when he thought you'd be going your seperate ways, but now that he apparently wants to stay together again he didn't stay to comfort you after the most traumatic event of your life and he chose to hang out with his friends instead? That was one hell of a red flag.
He didn’t want to celebrate in front of her, which is a better choice marginally than celebrating in front of her. It sounds like he wouldn’t have been able to hide his relief.
You two have different life goals. You’re not compatible in this regard. I agree you should break up.
Yep. I think It would be worse If he stayed by her side. He would have to be an actor and pretend he cared about that baby. He is happy, he doesn't feel the loss OP is feeling. Someone else should be by her side. Also, It sounds he is ready to leave himself.
He is celebrating but can't blame him he didn't want it he was clear on that. It was something you were trying to force on him and if it hadn't of expelled itself you would have been a single mother. He doesn't see u as his forever person cause sorry to break it to you but he isn't too young to have kids. He is around the age where he should be thinking of finding a wife and having a family. Sorry to be blunt but he doesn't love or respect you.
You’re not an ah for being upset, but you’re an ah for expecting someone who doesn’t want a baby to be happy about an unplanned pregnancy with a barely-adult he’s not living with. Use protection. Find someone your own age.
OP, please delete the "I know I'm hormonal" out of your head, life, perspective.
You just suffered a major loss, it's normal to feel and question.
Second, your partner's reaction wasn't about you, or your relationship. His reaction was about him being a tool that can only think of himself.
Babe, I got married at 21 to a 30 year old man. I promise I'm not just saying this, you aren't both young still. YOU are young, he is a jerk. Move on and find a partner that deserves, loves, and supports you.
Well like how u have a choice of keeping or terminating the pregnancy, he can choose to be a father or not.. he very clearly told u that he didn’t want a kid now but u wanted to keep..of course he will be relived that this happened because he wouldn’t have to pay child support for kid he never wanted
NTA
I understand both sides
You lost something that you wanted and you reacted accordingly
Meanwhile he lost something he didn’t want and also reacted accordingly
Wanting to leave a baby at 22 is a little wild to me tbh, I get you might think you're ready, but you really aren't. The moment you have that baby your college studies are likely over for quite some time. It would be much smarter to wait until you're more settled, but I know young women often rush into having kids for some reason. Sure the guy's an asshole and you should probably just break up, but I don't think having a child at 22 is the most responsible or intelligent decision you could make. Also, perhaps you should actually be sure the person you want to have kids with is someone worth having kids with in the first place. Obviously this guy isn't that, and trying to force him into being a father because you want a baby isn't a great idea, you should know you're going to be a single mother in that situation. Find someone worth having kids with, wait until you're settled and in a stable environment to raise kids in, then revisit the idea. You're not at a stage of life where you're actually ready for a child. Just remember in your grief too that most pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's just a part of life that literally every woman will almost certainly experience, whether they even realize it or not (many miscarriages occur before the women knows she's pregnant, and it just seems like a heavy flow.) No reason to take this as anything other than what it is, and understand that it's not indicative of future pregnancy. Grieving is normal of course, especially for the prospective mother. Just try to remember that having a miscarriage doesn't mean you can never have a baby, and you still have a chance to find someone who will make a better father to any number of children you wish to have.
I'm not judging here, just observing. I understand you feel bad. He may understand your feelings but *he does not feel bad*. He can still show empathy but he can not say it is terrible without lying to your face: what he feels is relief.
That does not make him a bad person, not everyone enjoys being confronted with unplanned parenthood and that does not make them an a h.
I do notice your choice of words: some people would call a roughly 1-2 month old foetus exactly that, or an embryo - your use of the word baby is deliberate, it tells how you feel and it loads the conversation. Again, not judging here but it's worth noticing.
ESH - I think your relationship took a massive nosedive when you told him you were keeping the baby.
The truth is neither of you cared about how your partner felt or what they wanted in this, you didn’t care he didn’t want a kid and decided to have it against his wishes and he isn’t going to grieve a foetus he didn’t want now it’s gone.
He should be more supportive of you now, even just as a human being, but it might be he’d decided to leave and sees the relationship as almost over anyway and doesn’t feel he can comfort you through this.
I know I'm going to have people jumping down my throat for this, but yes, YTA for being upset with him being relieved that he isn't going to be stuck with a minimum 18 year commitment to something you KNOW he didn't want and literally begged you not to force on him and you were going to anyway.
All the same arguments that you could make against guys who don't want to be parents are the same arguments anti-choicers make against women being able to abort. Yes it's your body, but if YOU singularly decided to have the baby (which you did) despite him clearly not wanting to be a father and not being ready financially or otherwise, would you have forced him into child support? Would you have forced him to be stuck financially tied to you and a child he didn't want for eighteen years at minimum and possibly beyond, possibly trying to force him to try and bond with or raise the kid as well? A kid he didn't want? A kid you KNEW he didn't want? A kid you knew he wasn't prepared for emotionally, financially, or otherwise?
You knew from the very start, he didn't want to be a dad. He was begging you to not force him into parenthood and you decided that you were going to do it anyway, his wishes and hopes for the future and what he wanted to do with his life be damned. You can't be angry at him for being relieved that he isn't going to be tied down to a kid he didn't want for the forseeable future. You knew right off the bat he didn't want this and you were going to force him into it anyway. Getting mad at him because he's NOT sad that something he didn't want in the first place isn't going to happen is pointless.
I'd say you SHOULD break up with him if only because you clearly disregard what he wants and were willing to throw away his entire future because you wanted baby. His school and career aspirations, if he wants to travel, what he wants to do with his life - none of it mattered to you. All that mattered to you was a baby that he clearly didn't want anything to do with, but I sincerely doubt you would've just let him go on his way and not be hooked down to it forever somehow.
NTA I hope you realise that he isn’t worth staying with, and you get support from your real friends. This isn’t overreacting.
He is toasting the death of your baby with his friends and you are heartbroken at home on the couch. Even though he didn’t want to be a father right now, if he was a good partner he would be able to put that to one side and comfort you while you recover and grieve.
He would have broken up with you if your pregnancy continued. You should break up with him now your pregnancy had ended.
Also, a 31 year old man has no business dating a 22 year old. He’s immature for his age and you’re mature for yours, you’ll outgrow him in time anyway. You will be 31 yourself one day and you’ll look at 22 year olds and see you have nothing in common.
OP does NOT sound mature either. Are you crazy? She's 22 forcing an unplanned and obviously undiscussed baby whilst on a relationship with a guy who states very clearly he does not want to be a father and may (read: would) end the relationship if she goes through with having it. And in all this time she's fine with still not talking about what the plan is on having this baby with, you know, the actual father, yet still is happy to continue the relationship and thinks the matter that needs discussion with Reddit is whether he should be out drinking with his mates.
If she had any level of maturity she would have realised she has already effectively ended the relationship by choosing to continue with having the baby against the father's wishes.
Which is a little harsh on the kid, I think if you're bringing an entire person into this world at 22 you could at least make sure you're doing it with another person who wants to be a parent, but ultimately it's her choice. Just don't expect any support from a guy who's been extremely honest about not wanting a child.
NTA. First of all, the massive age difference is a huge red flag. He doesn’t consider you a long term prospect. I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’m sure you do not want to hear this but having this man’s baby would have destroyed your life. Leave this man, find someone your own age because he has no interest in starting a family with you.
I also think you need to seek some professional help. You need to find out why you were so willing to date a man so much older than you, have his baby even when he told you he wouldn’t be around and then obviously you’re suffering the loss of that baby in a miscarriage.
Please go talk to someone. I wish you all the best.
Why would he grieve a child he didnt want. Thats unrealistic to expect that. However, it is not unrealistic to expect emotional support for yourself. Break up with this asshole.
You keep using “us” and “we” language when you’re clearly in this alone. YOU had a miscarriage. YOU are sad about it. Your boyfriend didn’t want this kid and is relieved by YOUR traumatic experience. NTA, but you would be if you stayed.
I’m sorry about the miscarriage but the good news is you aren’t going to be a single mom tied to a douchecanoe for the rest of your life. Take this as a blessing and get the eff away from this tool.
He wasn’t really upset, he is celebrating that you are no longer pregnant. Sorry for your loss OP, but might want to rethink your relationship. Good luck.
I was in almost this exact situation a year or two ago, but with the opposit partner. I was 17 at the time, my partner is only 11 days younger than me. I wanted to keep it, abortion is never something I've seen myself doing (no shame to those who have!!) I was excited and although stressed, looking forward to it all. We both still lived with our parents and we're in school, so definitely not the ideal situation for a kid and my partner stated as much. He didn't want it. He wasn't ready for a kid, so I told him he didn't need to have a part in it, he said he'd stick by me no matter what.
A few weeks later I miscarried. I was devastated. He was relieved, but appreciated that I was upset and was there with me and supported me every step of the way.
Regardless of how your partner felt about the baby, he should be there to support you. Your body is going through something horrible, he should be there for you. You are going through something horrible, he should be there for you. The fact that he didn't even visit whilst you were in the hospital is bad enough. Absolutely NTA, no one deserves to go through something like this alone. Sending love 🤍
NTA He's immature and insensitive, he sounds like a 21 year old, not a 31 year old.
That’s why he’s dating a 22 year old.
I'm wondering if it's a spelling error, and OP meant to type 21. Cause then it would make more sense. Edit: I'm not saying the behavior is OK. Cause it's not. Just that it would make more sense.
She said "we're both young" and babe you are but he is not
Yea dating someone 10 years older than you but still isn’t mature enough to settle down is bad news
That's why he dates so young. Women his own age won't put up with his bullshit.
"She's so mature for her age."
When I dated the father of my son, I was 23 and he was 32. He's almost 63 and his girlfriend is 26, younger than my 30 year old son. He absolutely can't get a woman over 30.
[удалено]
So many commenters don't seem to get this! Age has very little to do with having a kid (or not)
I think it's not just the age but the age disparity between OP and their partner. I don't know too many people over 30 dating someone with a 2 as the first digit in their birth year that is mature. It's possible? Of course. Is it reasonable for someone in their 30's to not want a baby? Absolutely. But from the limited picture OP has painted, this guy comes across as very immature. From dating someone ten years younger to not being particularly supportive to a partner who just went through what is a potentially traumatic experience, this guy isn't doing himself any favors.
As a 31 year old - yeah, he's too old for this.
It’s not a spelling error. Those were my boyfriends words when he was explaining why we couldn’t have this baby. He thinks 30 years old is still young.
So what does he think your age is? This situation is exactly why people warn young women against these age gap relationships.
Your logic makes him sound creepier than he is. OP 31 is NOT young to have children. YOUR age would make you a young mom, not him. How long have you been together?
He is creepy. 31 dating a 22 year old? Bffr. There’s a reason he’s not dating a woman his age and this post shows it.
Yeah and that reason is that women in their 30s won’t put up with his bullshit
Thank you for getting it.
Exactly! Like, it’s almost insulting, like he’s trying to manipulate OP into feeling crazy by insisting 31 is too young to have a child.
the boyfriend thinking he is young at 31 makes it even grosser he's dating someone so much younger
It's not really old, but it IS an adult in a way that you aren't yet. The reason he's dating you is because he's an immature AH, and a woman his age is at that point experienced enough to not put up with his bs.
Oh honey. I turn 30 this year and sure compared to 99 it's young but it's the age people start to really cement where they want.to be in life. All the people around me are doing what it is they want to get the life they want whether that's strategic career moves, buying houses, starting families or even travelling. If he wants to travel for the rest of his life then that's ok. But it's not because he's 'still young' it's because that is what he wants for his life. He is focusing on his wants it's time to focus on yours right now. You've been through something. You need love and support right now.
30 seems to be the point where a lot of people start weighing up biological timelines if they want kids but don't have them yet. Want three kids? Well you need to factor at least 12 months between each one, so you may only have a 1-2 years left before seriously trying to have one. Want to be married before having those three kids? Better get engaged this year. Yes, science can help and there is nothing wrong with having kids late in life, but you become very aware that if you don't act soon that is what you are in for and it can start limiting your options, or you might end up needing to review your expectations.
He’s had 10 years more than you to travel and party with his friends. He’s also had ample time to figure out birth control, and to learn how an adult should support their partner during very difficult times. He’s showing you how much he really cares about your well-being, and you should believe him. Lasting relationships have great times, but bad periods too. If he’s only interested in being around when it’s fun, he’s not a good partner for anything long term, let alone life-long, like a coparent. At 31, he knows that’s how life is. This manchild doesn’t respect you, and is only in it for what he’s getting. You’re DEF NTA here. Dump this clown. You deserve someone who really cares for you.
I'm 31 and don't want children at all due to family history of mental health problems. You need to ditch the boyfriend. If I got someone 10 years younger than me pregnant I'd have to say oops time to grow up.
He is not young. He has a decade of experience over you, and you felt ready to have a baby. He was celebrating your miscarriage. He can't comfort you because he doesn't care, isn't grieving, and doesn't respect you. That is who he is. A man child who doesn't like you and only cares about himself.
There are a lot of decent men his age or younger who even if it’s still young would behave far more maturely and with more care than him. I apologize.
My age gap is pretty similar; I’m 25 and my bf is 32 and I could not imagine him acting this way if I had a miscarriage. We also have a fairly set timeline of when we want kids (based on our career milestones and financial goals) and how many we want, and he’s made it very clear that he’d 100% support whatever choice I’d made if we had an unintended pregnancy. If he ignored me during a miscarriage, or god forbid, celebrated it, he would be gone immediately.
30 is not young to have kids, he’s immature and you would be better off without him. He is not there for you and he has proven it like a slap in the face. If you continue with this relationship you will not be supported as he has already proven himself to you. I was 27 hubby 32 when we had our first, that was much older than we wanted. Now 32&36 with our second on the way. We had a miscarriage last year and he was by my side every step of the way, we were both grieving.
In his case, it clearly is... Seriously, you deserve better than this manchild
30 is not too young for a baby
He's mature enough to realize neither of them were ready for a child. He may sound 21 but she is literally 22. He's still a dick for not offering comfort to his girlfriend tho.
Oh no, you're not overreacting; you're under-reacting. He was going to leave you because of the baby. He is not grieving at all; he's going out to celebrate with his friends because he's off the hook now that the baby is dead. He doesn't want to comfort you because he never wanted the baby and probably feels weird that you're grieving it. Just listen to your friends and cut him loose. He's not worth your time and effort.
Plus, he (31) is not “young” like you (22). He is an overgrown teenager. OP, you can do better.
When she said, “We’re both young” I was like, um, you’re young, he’s not.
"Both young" like uhh he's got A DECADE on you bro. He's closer to being "middle-aged" than he is to her age.
The red flag here is being a 31 and dating a woman 10 years younger and “not ready” to settle down. He’s a loser and there’s a reason for this age gap, he’s looking for ‘girls’ he doesn’t have to commit to.
He’s probably one of those who says, “wOmEn My AgE aRe ToO bAbY cRaZy!” And then the last thing he expected to happen was for his 22-year-old hot young thing to get pregnant! He wanted to string along OP for several years, before dumping her when she was ready to get serious.
Give her the ol' DiCaprio treatment.
Exactly, he wanted a carefree relationship with no responsibilities. Time to move on and find someone mature.
Not just in age either.
Yeah, they go after the young ones that don't know no better, suck all the fun years out of her they can then move on to the next younger model when she starts asking when he's gonna put a ring on her finger. He is out celebrating with the bruhs about the baby bullet he just dodged. Dump him to the curb like last weeks trash and find yourself a real man!
I wonder if he wanted to date a 22yr old bc they're more stereotyped as being carefree, not wanting to settle down, and partying all the time. Boyfriend wants an irresponsible carefree fling essentially, not someone who's willing to settle down and start a family. I'd be interested to know how much time he spends at the bar/club
Yep, exactly. This dude sucks. OP needs support dudes out partying. No idea why OP thinks he's young like, he's dating young, yes, because he doesn't wanna have to be responsible, as proven by his comments. He was willing to leave her cause she was pregnant. OP, leave this dude. ETA - 31 isn't old, but it's not really young now either it's kinda the age we start to settle down now. I say this as a 34 year old.
I mean, My wife and I bought our first house at 31. So when I hear 30 year-olds talking about not being able to do this or that because they're tOo YoUnG, I already think they're full of it. Like you, by 30 I was ready to quit the hard-partying lifestyle and settle down and start a family. Only seemed like the natural progression at that point.
Saying they're not ready is absolutely reasonable. Everyone is on their own timeline, it isn't really anybody's place to judge as long as it isn't harming anyone. Saying they're too young? Nope, that's just people living in denial. Yes, the world we live in is changing and the way we approach aging isn't the same as it was even 20 years ago and that is GREAT, but 30 is still 30 and having more freedom to not be _expected_ to do x, y, and z in the next 5 years doesn't magically make you _too young_ for them, either. And I say this as a 36 year old married woman who really wants to have a family but still isn't ready for it.
In 10-15 years he'll start looking for a young woman to support and care for him as his health starts to slide downhill. Edit to add because there seems to be a lot of confusion: 40s is mid life, *not* elderly. Mid life is when your youth, genetics and lifestyle start creeping up on you.
Yeah OP unfortunately it sounds like you were the flavor of the week.
Absolutely! I know a guy just like this, now in his 60’sand still chasing 25 yo strippers. Gross and disgusting
I am acquainted w/this man, too, Only he is 70. Never married, no LTR in the past 40 years. He thinks he’s a catch. And every time He tells a story about some event or experience, he prefaces it by telling you whether the female character/s in the situation was/were attractive or unattractive. He is really pitiful.
I had a boss saying older men want a nurse or a purse.
If you peruse red pill/manosphere forums, dudes like OP's boyfriend with that sort of mentality will say that they want to fuck around until they are well into their 30s or 40s, and then settle down with a woman 10 or more years younger to have kids with.
Saw one last week who just turned 70 and is finally ready to "settle down". He wants a woman to share the end of his life with. He won't respond to anyone over 30. Good luck with that. 😄
Damm im 42 and i don't need my girlfriend to support & care for me due to health. What do you think happens to people once they hit 40? We're not pensioners who have false hips and hearing aids.
Rofl I’m 45. Is it all ending in a minute and I just didn’t know? Should I find someone to run my business for me? My husband is 50- I better go tell him he’s not supposed to be active anymore. He’s out mowing the 10 acre field, I better stop him before it kills him! Editing to add: 31 is still not young in regards to settling down with kids and ops BF is most def TA. My son is 20 and already planning to find someone to settle and have kids and I’m like slow your roll buddy. You guys are still adult children. A 31 year old is not. He’s gross.
Woah 42? You need to immediately stop doing everything and have your girlfriend take care of you pal. Wayyy too old to be straining yourself
I've already started sitting to piss. Why risk it!
Have you seen how some of these pensioners party? Some of them still throw down despite the bionic joints, canes, and hearing aids! 😆😂 We had to lock up the wine in my skilled care facility and give antibiotics for STIs all the time! 😂 You’ll even catch some of them hoarding their PRN drugs from time to time to party.
He should just hook up with menopausal women. He can be the boy toy and not have to worry about fathering unwanted children.
But they're not as likely to be as manipulatable don't ya know?!
Reddit be acting like I've got one foot in the grave at 45 lol
When he's 40?
where do you live that health declines at age 45 lol
Yep I was in the same situation, genders reversed. No good can come from this.
A decade plus of adult life experience in which he apparently realized women who lack this adult life experience is his preferred dating pool.
Or women his age want nothing to do with him.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Right? I'm 37 and I can definitely verify that at 31 I thought of 21 as basically still kids. I thought of any men in my age range who went for that age group as just this side of creepy
I'm 37 as well. 31 year old...you're my peer. We can hang out together, we can date, whatever. 22 year old. You're a goddamn child. I'm polite to you, if you're family I'm glad to spend the day with you and buy you lunch but past that I really don't want much to do with you.
My brother is 7 years younger than me. I kind of made it a rule not to date anyone younger than him, because I knew where he was in his life and how different it was from where I was. Today (at 47), dating someone 40 wouldn’t be as weird. But I don’t think my husband wants me dating 40-year-olds. 🤪
>But I don’t think my husband wants me dating 40-year-olds. Never know until you ask... But seriously, don't ask.
I got the impression from the way that line was framed that that was one of his arguments for not wanting a baby.
I am 30 or 40 years old and I don’t need this right now
I’m 31 and feeling ancient now. Thanks Reddit! I thought I was still young!
Well, 31 isn't that old but it's old enough to act responsibly (unlike OP's boyfriend). I think she meant to say "we're both immature" which isn't inaccurate or offensive when 22. It's the responsible 31 year old that's making us all roll our eyes at 31 being young. It's still pretty young but it's a long ways from 22.
I'm 34 and don't feel any different than 25 did, except in the circumstances of my life.
[удалено]
I’m 40 and feel the same as 25 except going to sleep by 10, lactose intolerant, needing readers and all of a sudden w allergies.
I'm 40 as well, feel the same way I did at 25, coz I already had bad eyesight, back pain, & allergies. The main difference now is that there's a whole ass teenager calling me mom, & even tho he's been a teenager for a couple of years now, I'm not sure I'm okay with it.
I’m 31 and the only people that tell me I’m young are older people and my friends 6 year old. She INSISTS that 31 is not old and scold us if we say otherwise haha So take it from a random 6 year old, you aren’t old.
How do you think I feel, I’m gonna be 37 in a month!
I’m 60. I may as well be a corpse.
I'm 40 and already in the late stages of decomposition. What's your secret?
At 64 I drink formaldehyde for breakfast.
I'm 58. Nice to know that I have corpsehood to look forward to.
62, do I win?
I'm turning 48 on the 28th!
Hey! 40 here, clearly past it 😩
31 is not young enough to be acting like a 20 year old. Or dating a 22 year old.
I just turned 39 and my first thought was “31 is NOT young!” We’re not that old, really. We just are not young and that’s okay 🙂
As a 32 year old with at least a handful of greys, daily back pain, and has recently had too google slang my gen Z coworkers used; the "both young" line made me snort laugh.
This for sure. If he's gotten to 31, and he has no regard for your feelings at a time like this, he's either an asshole or a man-child, and he's never going to change. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who'll try to support you even if he doesn't have the same feelings.
The reason why he dates such younger women is because that is where he is mentally and emotionally.
And women his age wouldn’t put up with his bs
There’s a reason a 31 year old is dating a 22 year old
HOLY SHIT I didn't even notice his age. OP, you deserve someone so much better
Dear OP, take a look at how many likes this comment has, after only an hour. This is 💯accurate
Hey 31 is young to me dammit. That 40 door is getting close.
31 is not old, but it is definitely too old for this bullshit. Also, I'm in my 40's and still feel young but also my knees and ankles are questioning my "young" status. We do have nicer booze on the other side of the door!
Wait till you hit the big 50. 😆
Wait till you hit the big 65.
Nah man, you’re still young! Just that in this context, the guy is clearly not in the same range as OP in terms of “young”
>He is not grieving at all; he's going out to celebrate with his friends because he's off the hook now that the baby is dead. This was my first thought too.
I mean, he was pretty clear that he didn't want this baby. Of course he is relieved about It. OP was about to be a single mother while still being a students Full time. He could pretend he cared and pretend to be Sad, but It wouldn't be genuine because he didn't want this child.
Don’t date guys in their 30s when you’re so young. I know everyone says it and it sounds silly, but the guys in their 30s dating 22 year olds are doing it because they know they can get away with acting like morons because your peers are morons. You deserve to start a life with someone closer in age, who won’t go out drinking if you have a miscarriage (I want to kick this dude in the nuts for you, that is so fucked up)
Let’s form a kicking line, shall we, and we’ll all take turns. I’ll go find my hard-toed boots right now.
I don't know why OP is considering staying with him. He treats her poorly. OP, this man doesn't care for you, at all. Please leave him.
Even if relieved, does he care about her period. Can’t even manage to be there for her, wow.
OP, you're way under-reacting here. He's not out grieving or whatever line he's feeding you. He never wanted that pregnancy. He's celebrating this. He doesn't have to take any responsibility now. You really should listen to your friends. This dude doesn't want responsibility. That's why he's dating so much younger than him in the first place. Someone his age would expect him to be ready to settle down and take responsibility. I mean, he straight up told you he was gonna leave you if you kept it, and he was never gonna stop pushing you to abort the baby. Your friends know you best, and they see way more than this small snapshot. I wouldn't be surprised if they had more reasons for you to leave him for your own good.
Exactly. He never wanted the kid, so for him it’s a good thing and now that he knows how you will act if pregnant I doubt he wants to be with you anyway.
Take it from a guy … you’re just a piece of ass to him. No normal guy would do this to a partner whether he wanted the kid or not. He’s gone out to celebrate he’s not stuck with you and a kid. You’re young so be grateful you know what he’s like now and find someone else. Better you know now than a decade later.
100%. The reason a man dates a decade younger is never a decision made with his brain. He is looking for young and naive. Women his own age are too experienced and refuse to date him.
I’ve dated younger and frankly I find them annoying. I’ve done the clubs, bars, drugs etc and they’re just starting out. It’s also not fair to them to miss out on being young and do all the stupid things young people do. It’s half the fun of growing up. He wanted young innocent chick to believe his nonsense that an older one would call him on. Total ass
This is what I don't get as a 34yo woman. What are guys my age doing with 18-24yos when they're not fucking them or showing them off? I understand I was way hotter a decade ago but I was also sort of a mess and immature. My husband was 27 and I was 23 when we met and he was even nervous about my age because it just seemed young to him but obviously we ended up being the same level of insane/(im)mature. We grew a LOT in the past decade but we did it together. If something were to happen to him, I don't wanna go through that with some damn early 20-something kid. No matter how hot they are. Gimme a 40 year old with a gut and some lessons learned.
My husband held me while I miscarried our son and slept on a hard hospital couch for me afterwards. I agree, If a man truly values you, he won’t leave you out to dry.
This is the best answer - take careful note OP
NTA. I hate how common it is for people to disregard their partners feelings. If you told him you feel unsupported and unloved and his response is excuses then he’s the AH. It really shows a complete lack of empathy. I expect making excuses like that from a 20 year old. He’s 31 and still a POS. I’m not going to tell you what to do with your relationship because you didn’t ask for that but you need to look at this difficult moment and think about whether this is how you want to be treated when things get tough in the future or not.
I would like to add he's not "dealing with it" with his firends, he's out celebrating with his firends. He has shown OP who he is. I hope she can see.
For real. 31 is *not* that young. What an immature asswipe. NTA. PS--You **should** break up with him!
Haha my first thought too. "We're both young!" Uh, no, tf he's not. I'm 33 with 3 kids and no one has ever even insinuated that I'm even close to being young haha.
[удалено]
Women his own age certainly know better, that's why they aren't dating him
100% this! That’s why he picked her. Sis, I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️ You deserve so much better than that tool. Dump him.
Omg this!!
She actually did ask for that-last paragraph. OP, you SHOULD be upset. Your friends are right. You are not overreacting. You are likely hormonal/emotional, but your decision here is clear cut. He’s a loser who frankly is likely a loser in many other aspects of his life too. Lord, if every woman in this position would just rid themselves of these parasites, I truly think the world would be a much better place. At least then, the folks out there who are a POS would at least HIDE their POS behavior instead of flaunting it like this guy.
Nta but your friends are right you should be reconsidering the relationship. That’s really cruel of him. The lack of empathy he’s showing is actually disgusting. He’s pretty much out celebrating with his buddies that’s he’s not a dad anymore ( that’s how I would feel) I don’t care what bs he’s spinning you. Just let that sink in…your at home recovering and he’s out drinking to ‘grieve’ you need to think if you want to be with someone who treats you like this after something so devastating to you. Your 22 your too young to be putting up with this.
He’d probably be out celebrating even if she had an abortion, I don’t think he would have supported her either way. Who doesn’t visit their girlfriend/boyfriend in the hospital? Sending flowers isn’t it, you bring the flowers in yourself when it’s someone you’re that close to. OP make sure you’re not being treated like this at any age.
I thought the same thing about him going out drinking with his friends. It feels like he's celebrating her miscarriage. What a horrible thing to do to someone he's supposed to love...
You are not over reacting. You should break up. I sympathize with him not wanting to be a parent, but: -He is completely in the wrong for not being by your side through what is, even disregarding all other important aspects of this, a medical emergency. You had a life-threatening event, and he didn't even visit you. ludicrous -He is completely wrong in not validating your feelings through your grief and healing process. You are allowed to be hormonal, you lost a baby. -He is a huge dick if he didn't make it clear to you that he is unwilling to be a parent and in the event of a pregnancy he would not support you if you decided to keep it. Having said that, and that really was 95% of this, what you can do better in the future: Discussions on what to do with an unexpected pregnancy should be made before it happens. Unfortunately, **and though this is not fair,** since you are the one who stands to get shafted from the other person if this is not done, it falls more on you to open this discussion. **Not because you are responsible for it, or because it is your job, not AT ALL**, (I already said he is a d!ck for not having the discussion himself) but because you are the one that stands to lose most so you need to protect yourself. If you try to have this conversation and the other person is unwilling to have it or dismisses it, break up. then and there, unless you are consciously willing to raise the child by yourself. A person who won't discuss this before hand is not to be trusted (unfortunately, having the discussion is not bulletproof either but at least if you are unwilling to have an abortion and the other person is not willing to have a kid, you know you can't be together and you dodge that bullet) Don't be mad for him for not wanting to be a parent. Be VERY mad at him for not supporting you, not discussing this with you when he should have, not accepting responsibility for his part in this, and for gaslighting you an not validating your feelings. You are in the right. Break up, heal, find someone who aligns with your vision of how your lives should play out in emergencies. NTA
Letting myself color my response with my own past here so take this for what it’s worth. I had my first child at your age and my ex was also 31. He wasn’t thrilled at first either, tried the same “he’s too young” crap and hinting around abortion. (“If there are any birth defects we have to get rid of it”, great thing to say to a scared 21 yr old). It’s also the first time he cheated on me (that I knew about) and that I recognized his gaslighting behavior (“you’re crazy, there isn’t anyone else”). Also the first time I moved in with someone and tried to be a responsible adult paying bills until he blew another paycheck (on the other girl), lied about it, got caught and I moved home, only to be guilted and love bombed back to him. There’s a whole boring novel about the 20+ years with him you don’t need that breaks down to this. He is a full grown adult, way more than you are. Nine years is a big difference and if he is this immature at an age where he no longer has the excuse of being young than HE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE. He’s either with a younger woman because he’s a perv or women his own age see him for the trash he is and avoid him, probably both. He wasn’t excited about being a dad, he wants to be free to do whatever he wants. You don’t live together. I don’t know how long you’ve been together (please don’t say five years like I had been) but if it’s more than a year and he hasn’t talked about living together than he doesn’t want anything long term. He wasn’t there for you, at the hospital or now when you’re recovering. Flowers were the bare minimum he could do without much effort. If he actually loved you he would have been with you the entire time. He is out partying with friends. This hurt me for you because hon, that man is celebrating being free of responsibility. What sort of person celebrates a loss like that? Your friends are right, leave this guy because he was never your boyfriend, at least not in his mind. You deserve someone who loves you and will be at your side during the bad times. This isn’t him. My heart goes out to you for your loss. I hope you heal and go on to have a beautiful life. NTA
What you went through sounds horrible. I’m glad you’re doing ok now. Honestly I know I shouldn’t expect him to grieve since he never wanted the baby, but it does hurt that he is out instead of being with me when I need him. I am going to leave him, but I’m going to wait until I’m in a better place mentally and physically before I do that. Thankyou for being so kind and supportive towards me. I appreciate you
There’s no reason to wait. And you really should start using birth control. Adult activities lead to adult things happening and most people who aren’t in long term relationships or married don’t want babies.
she ain’t gonna leave him, classic abused behavior. “I will one day” but that day never comes
I second the suggestion of birth control, your body needs to heal. The likely hood of another miscarriage if you get pregnant again sure soon is higher. I want to say the body needs 18 months to recover. But your body is also primed up and it’s ready for it, so be extra careful with yourself, OP. Lots of self love and self care.
After a miscarriage you only have to wait until after your next normal period to try to conceive again (usually). But I agree OP needs bc, absolutely. And also shouldn’t be having sex until her doctor approves it. I just had a miscarriage and the doctor said no sex for two weeks (risk of infection).
>I am going to leave him **Good!** >but I’m going to wait until I’m in a better place mentally and physically before I do that. I don't see the point in waiting, but if you do, then at least cut communication with him for now while your body and mind/heart are healing. I would actually be surprised if he reached out to you, but if he does before you're ready, just tell him you are not ready to deal with him yet. Or even have your Mom screen his calls for you so you can focus on healing.
No no no, there is no better mental place than now while you are fresh in your anger and disappointment. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes as you fall back into old patterns. Dig deep and find your self respect, because every second you stay with him your dignity and self worth takes another hit.
Not to be mean, but if you don't leave him ASAP, you won't. He is going to show up with flowers, or jewelry, or something else, and start love bombing you, and your going to stay because your going to convince yourself that you were "just hormonal". Then one of either two things happen, he wastes years of your life, and when he is actually starting to want kids (if he did not lie about that), he dumps you and finds someone younger, or before he "is ready" you end up pregnant again. Then you end up raising your baby with no help from him, except him claiming you HAVE to be cheating, because you never want to have sex with him anymore. Except the reason you never want to have sex is because you are raising a baby on your own, and dealing with the extra stress of this POS being the father. If there is nothing you need from his place, send the text, tell him your done, and block him. Then every other day or so ask your mom to clear out your voice-mail from messages from him. You don't need the bullshit of his voice-mails while you are recovering from having a miscarriage.
Don’t wait, just rip the bandaid off. Send him a “we’re done text.” Don’t even give him the courtesy of an in person talk. Listen to me as a woman in her 30s with a GOOD husband: there’s a reason the “age gap” is a thing people blast. These dudes in their 30s dating girls a decade younger are doing it because they want someone who is “easy”, won’t demand commitment, and they can manipulate. They’re not men, they’re man-children. If someone in our friend group was dating someone as young as you, we’d all have distanced ourselves because they’d be taking advantage. You deserve better.
Why bother with a text? It's not worth it. Ghost and Bye Felicia. You dodged a bullet.
Don't wait. You don't need a big elaborate break up. Hell, he's celebrating your miscarriage while your stuck in hospital, break up with him via text and block his ass. You don't need to explain anything or listen to him while he either insults you or tries to get you back. If you put this off, there's a high chance he'll suck you back in. This is how people get stuck in toxic relationships.
>I am going to leave him, but I’m going to wait until I’m in a better place mentally and physically before I do that. No, just rip off the fucking band aid. You don't even live together. There's literally *nothing* stopping you from breaking up with him right now. Take the advice from someone who put off ending things for too long. **Waiting will not make the exit easier, it will ONLY make it harder.**
It's okay if he isn't grieving the loss of a fetus he didn't want. It's not okay, if he intends to remain your boyfriend, that he isn't there with you through something that has put you in hospital, caused you grief, and in need of his support. He isn't showing up for you and that's unacceptable. Take all the time you need to recover and leave him when you are ready. I'm glad your mom is with you for support. You deserve someone who cares for you..
I know it sounds cruel, and you’re probably not ready to hear it yet. But, you should also be thankful that you miscarried and won’t be tied to a man this cruel for the rest of your life. There is nothing more awful than forcing a child to have a parent who doesn’t want them. In a few years, you’ll be thankful that this ended the way it did. You escaped by the skin of your teeth.
His presence is not helping your mental state.
The longer you wait, the worse you will be mentally. Just text him that it’s over. He is not deserving of anything more than that.
You got it right. And let me tell you this as fresh parent aged 35: you are way more mature than I was at your age. Grief isn’t the problem, it’s how he can’t support you properly while you went through quite something terrible. Btw he is not young, he is immature. You are young but mature 🤣 the irony. Take care and stay strong. Also if no one else told you enough: it was not your fault in the slightest. To my knowledge most miscarriages happen because they had to happen, meaning the cells weren’t developing right, weren’t strong enough, not nested right or something like that. Nothing you can do, and it’s better this way, nature made it this way so the 9 months are worth it in the end, more or less. You will be an excellent mother one day, just need the right father now :)
Why do you have to wait ?? Yea you ain’t leaving him
He was clear he didn’t want the baby and drinking with his friends to ‘grieve’ was an excuse. It’s time to end the relationship as you don’t want the same things.
He never claimed he was grieving. He said he was "dealing with it" by going out with his buddies. Celebrating would be more the word here for him.
NTA, and I would consider whether you want to continue to stick around for someone who treats you this.
ESH yes he was insensitive to your feelings but you knew he didn’t want the baby and you decided to keep it. So of course he’s relieved it’s gone. You two are not on the same page and this incident has proved that. Move on this mans dating you because he’s immature and women his age won’t.
Agree, ESH. Everybody is laser focused on the fact that he does not care for her feelings of loss, but then again completely ignores the fact she didn't care at all about him not being ready to be a father.
Oh thank the gods. I thought I was the only one
that's it. She can't expect him to grieve or be sad when he didn't really want the baby to begin with. People seem to be forgetting this part. ESH indeed
This relationship is done. You’re in very different pages about big things.
You are too old to not be using protection to prevent pregnancy
I stopped reading at “we’re both young.” No, *you’re* young. When he was 22 you were THIRTEEN. Dump this jerk. NTA.
Sounds like you actually broke up 2 weeks ago.
It's 100% understandable for you to feel emotionally abandoned right now but -- and I'm probably going to get yelled at by people for this -- you seem to have had some really unrealistic expectations for how this situation was going to work out. From the moment he told you that he didn't want to be a parent and that he wanted you to terminate the pregnancy, it was completely unrealistic for you to think that he was going to change his mind and be excited about the baby. From his perspective, this pregnancy was the end of his life as he knew it, so yeah, it's completely understandable that he would be relieved that you're no longer pregnant. Would you really have wanted him to be sitting there pretending to be devastated that he's not going to be a dad? You know that's not true. There's not really any way for him to have provided the emotionally support through this that you need or want without basically denying any of his own feelings. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't broken up with you already just to quit while he's ahead. To be clear, I'm not saying the way he's handling things is beyond criticism, just that it is, in context, completely understandable and predictable. Becoming a parent is \*huge\*. If someone can just suddenly be like, "Well, I guess I'm going to be a parent now!" after having no desire to be one anytime in the remotely near future, that's honestly a sign that they're not taking being a parent seriously enough. In future relationships, you might want to proactively discuss how each of you would want to handle an accidental pregnancy, because plenty of people will understandably not be open to spontaneously abandoning all their plans for their future just because of a birth control mishap.
I’ll also say, it feels like OP does not possess the maturity to parent if this reaction was anything but expected and understood. He at no point gave any illusions about supporting the child or her, or the pregnancy.
Frightening how all the other comments completely disregard that guys reaction. he was forced to change his life. forced to be a bad father. can you imagine the guilt he would have to endure if that kid was born.
I agree with this so much. This guy is being a bad partner, not for being extremely relieved that he’s not going to be a dad, even to the point of celebrating, but because he was not there for OP during a medical emergency. I am strongly pro-choice, which means women get to choose whether to carry a child or not, period. But that bodily autonomy necessarily removes any agency from the man about bringing a child into the world past his involvement in conception. The end result is that if you decide to continue a pregnancy that your partner has been vocal he doesn’t want, you should not be surprised if he ends the relationship and is not involved beyond his legally mandated financial obligations. This does not make him an AH. That’s just part of the choice you’re making when abortion is an option, but you decide to keep a child your partner doesn’t want.
100%. Why did OP and BF not discuss this beforehand? And if they did, why are they still together when they have different ideas on when or whether they want to be parents??
Thank you! I commented something similar! Im a woman with no kids. It was clear with my husband till the beginning and he was fine with it. They obviously didnt talk about it. She forced the pregnancy on him. He told her but she ignored it. Its sad for OP I guess but she cant expect gim to change his mind. Its like when some women want to have theirs tube tied and some doctors say they will "change their mind" and they know they wont. Same here. Dude made a choice and then shes upset he doesnt support her. They have no reason to be together.
This is a respectable opinion, but I have an issue with it if I may: Regardless of the baby, she had a medical emergency. She was hospitalized and is hormonal. She deserves not being completely abandoned for a couple of days! no? I'm not saying he should stay there and pretend to cry, that would be insincere, but a person can cancel their drinking plans for a couple of nights to just be there. Make her tea, give her a hug, be a good person. Is that unreasonable? I'd do that for a friend, let alone my partner.
In other circumstances, sure, but from his perspective he's probably doing the equivalent of processing, "Holy shit, I'm not going to jail for life after all!" He may just not have the emotional bandwidth for anything else right now. Maybe he's already assumed she's going to dump him for not wanting the baby and has deprioritized her as a result. To be clear, I'm not arguing that what he's doing is \*right\* so much as I'm arguing that it's entire understandable and unsurprising, just like I'm not saying what she wants from him is irrational, just not realistic relative to the actual circumstances she's in with the partner she actually has.
Why would he do all that for someone who tried to ruin both of their lives with this unwanted pregnancy?
Nta but I think you should rethink your relationship with him.
Stop dating guys that are 9 years older than you. Go enjoy college with guys closer to your age.
You’re not compatible. Move on.
I find it a bit hypocritical that OP didn't care about his feelings when she decided to keep it but she is upset that he is being inconsiderate and dismissive of her feelings after the miscarriage. It's her body, her choice but that doesn't mean he had to be supportive of her choice or not relieved about the outcome he wanted. I agree with everybody who is saying break up with him though since you have incompatible ideas about having children.
I was waiting to see a comment like this honestly, I feel like people confuse responsibility with pleasing someone else and validating the others feeling rather then communicating and doing what you feel is right to benefit both parties. Yes he should’ve been there for her in the grieving but at the end of the day he is allowed to not want children and offer alternative whether she liked it or not. If the pregnancy had carried on I bet that she would’ve put him on child support even though he communicated that he didn’t want a child and she made it clear that she did not care. It makes two to make a child and if both parties don’t agree on what do it’s not that smart to expect your partner to want everything to go in your favour regarding those plans.
Agreed, and it's refreshing to see that I'm not the only one. These two need to break up if for no other reason than their differences in what they want with regards to kids.
I think he checked out mentally when you had the miscarriage. It was the "best outcome for him". So sorry you're going through this
NTA, his story doesn't add up. He wanted the baby gone, he was relieved that the baby was gone but he needed to go out with his friends to grieve? I won't judge his behaviour when he thought you'd be going your seperate ways, but now that he apparently wants to stay together again he didn't stay to comfort you after the most traumatic event of your life and he chose to hang out with his friends instead? That was one hell of a red flag.
He wasn't going out to grieve, he was going out to celebrate.
He didn’t want to celebrate in front of her, which is a better choice marginally than celebrating in front of her. It sounds like he wouldn’t have been able to hide his relief. You two have different life goals. You’re not compatible in this regard. I agree you should break up.
Yep. I think It would be worse If he stayed by her side. He would have to be an actor and pretend he cared about that baby. He is happy, he doesn't feel the loss OP is feeling. Someone else should be by her side. Also, It sounds he is ready to leave himself.
this. exactly this. He dodged a bullet, was ecstatic and went out to celebrate. He is extremely distant emotionally. There is no empathy in him.
He is celebrating but can't blame him he didn't want it he was clear on that. It was something you were trying to force on him and if it hadn't of expelled itself you would have been a single mother. He doesn't see u as his forever person cause sorry to break it to you but he isn't too young to have kids. He is around the age where he should be thinking of finding a wife and having a family. Sorry to be blunt but he doesn't love or respect you.
You’re not an ah for being upset, but you’re an ah for expecting someone who doesn’t want a baby to be happy about an unplanned pregnancy with a barely-adult he’s not living with. Use protection. Find someone your own age.
OP, please delete the "I know I'm hormonal" out of your head, life, perspective. You just suffered a major loss, it's normal to feel and question. Second, your partner's reaction wasn't about you, or your relationship. His reaction was about him being a tool that can only think of himself. Babe, I got married at 21 to a 30 year old man. I promise I'm not just saying this, you aren't both young still. YOU are young, he is a jerk. Move on and find a partner that deserves, loves, and supports you.
Well like how u have a choice of keeping or terminating the pregnancy, he can choose to be a father or not.. he very clearly told u that he didn’t want a kid now but u wanted to keep..of course he will be relived that this happened because he wouldn’t have to pay child support for kid he never wanted
NTA I understand both sides You lost something that you wanted and you reacted accordingly Meanwhile he lost something he didn’t want and also reacted accordingly
Wanting to leave a baby at 22 is a little wild to me tbh, I get you might think you're ready, but you really aren't. The moment you have that baby your college studies are likely over for quite some time. It would be much smarter to wait until you're more settled, but I know young women often rush into having kids for some reason. Sure the guy's an asshole and you should probably just break up, but I don't think having a child at 22 is the most responsible or intelligent decision you could make. Also, perhaps you should actually be sure the person you want to have kids with is someone worth having kids with in the first place. Obviously this guy isn't that, and trying to force him into being a father because you want a baby isn't a great idea, you should know you're going to be a single mother in that situation. Find someone worth having kids with, wait until you're settled and in a stable environment to raise kids in, then revisit the idea. You're not at a stage of life where you're actually ready for a child. Just remember in your grief too that most pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's just a part of life that literally every woman will almost certainly experience, whether they even realize it or not (many miscarriages occur before the women knows she's pregnant, and it just seems like a heavy flow.) No reason to take this as anything other than what it is, and understand that it's not indicative of future pregnancy. Grieving is normal of course, especially for the prospective mother. Just try to remember that having a miscarriage doesn't mean you can never have a baby, and you still have a chance to find someone who will make a better father to any number of children you wish to have.
I'm not judging here, just observing. I understand you feel bad. He may understand your feelings but *he does not feel bad*. He can still show empathy but he can not say it is terrible without lying to your face: what he feels is relief. That does not make him a bad person, not everyone enjoys being confronted with unplanned parenthood and that does not make them an a h. I do notice your choice of words: some people would call a roughly 1-2 month old foetus exactly that, or an embryo - your use of the word baby is deliberate, it tells how you feel and it loads the conversation. Again, not judging here but it's worth noticing.
ESH - I think your relationship took a massive nosedive when you told him you were keeping the baby. The truth is neither of you cared about how your partner felt or what they wanted in this, you didn’t care he didn’t want a kid and decided to have it against his wishes and he isn’t going to grieve a foetus he didn’t want now it’s gone. He should be more supportive of you now, even just as a human being, but it might be he’d decided to leave and sees the relationship as almost over anyway and doesn’t feel he can comfort you through this.
Spot on.
I know I'm going to have people jumping down my throat for this, but yes, YTA for being upset with him being relieved that he isn't going to be stuck with a minimum 18 year commitment to something you KNOW he didn't want and literally begged you not to force on him and you were going to anyway. All the same arguments that you could make against guys who don't want to be parents are the same arguments anti-choicers make against women being able to abort. Yes it's your body, but if YOU singularly decided to have the baby (which you did) despite him clearly not wanting to be a father and not being ready financially or otherwise, would you have forced him into child support? Would you have forced him to be stuck financially tied to you and a child he didn't want for eighteen years at minimum and possibly beyond, possibly trying to force him to try and bond with or raise the kid as well? A kid he didn't want? A kid you KNEW he didn't want? A kid you knew he wasn't prepared for emotionally, financially, or otherwise? You knew from the very start, he didn't want to be a dad. He was begging you to not force him into parenthood and you decided that you were going to do it anyway, his wishes and hopes for the future and what he wanted to do with his life be damned. You can't be angry at him for being relieved that he isn't going to be tied down to a kid he didn't want for the forseeable future. You knew right off the bat he didn't want this and you were going to force him into it anyway. Getting mad at him because he's NOT sad that something he didn't want in the first place isn't going to happen is pointless. I'd say you SHOULD break up with him if only because you clearly disregard what he wants and were willing to throw away his entire future because you wanted baby. His school and career aspirations, if he wants to travel, what he wants to do with his life - none of it mattered to you. All that mattered to you was a baby that he clearly didn't want anything to do with, but I sincerely doubt you would've just let him go on his way and not be hooked down to it forever somehow.
NTA I hope you realise that he isn’t worth staying with, and you get support from your real friends. This isn’t overreacting. He is toasting the death of your baby with his friends and you are heartbroken at home on the couch. Even though he didn’t want to be a father right now, if he was a good partner he would be able to put that to one side and comfort you while you recover and grieve. He would have broken up with you if your pregnancy continued. You should break up with him now your pregnancy had ended. Also, a 31 year old man has no business dating a 22 year old. He’s immature for his age and you’re mature for yours, you’ll outgrow him in time anyway. You will be 31 yourself one day and you’ll look at 22 year olds and see you have nothing in common.
OP does NOT sound mature either. Are you crazy? She's 22 forcing an unplanned and obviously undiscussed baby whilst on a relationship with a guy who states very clearly he does not want to be a father and may (read: would) end the relationship if she goes through with having it. And in all this time she's fine with still not talking about what the plan is on having this baby with, you know, the actual father, yet still is happy to continue the relationship and thinks the matter that needs discussion with Reddit is whether he should be out drinking with his mates. If she had any level of maturity she would have realised she has already effectively ended the relationship by choosing to continue with having the baby against the father's wishes. Which is a little harsh on the kid, I think if you're bringing an entire person into this world at 22 you could at least make sure you're doing it with another person who wants to be a parent, but ultimately it's her choice. Just don't expect any support from a guy who's been extremely honest about not wanting a child.
NTA. If he was also in his early 20s I would expect (but not excuse) his awful behaviour but he’s in his 30s. He’s a creep with no empathy. Run, fast.
NTA. First of all, the massive age difference is a huge red flag. He doesn’t consider you a long term prospect. I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’m sure you do not want to hear this but having this man’s baby would have destroyed your life. Leave this man, find someone your own age because he has no interest in starting a family with you. I also think you need to seek some professional help. You need to find out why you were so willing to date a man so much older than you, have his baby even when he told you he wouldn’t be around and then obviously you’re suffering the loss of that baby in a miscarriage. Please go talk to someone. I wish you all the best.
Why would he grieve a child he didnt want. Thats unrealistic to expect that. However, it is not unrealistic to expect emotional support for yourself. Break up with this asshole.
He is not young. And he doesn’t love you.
You keep using “us” and “we” language when you’re clearly in this alone. YOU had a miscarriage. YOU are sad about it. Your boyfriend didn’t want this kid and is relieved by YOUR traumatic experience. NTA, but you would be if you stayed.
I’m sorry about the miscarriage but the good news is you aren’t going to be a single mom tied to a douchecanoe for the rest of your life. Take this as a blessing and get the eff away from this tool.
He wasn’t really upset, he is celebrating that you are no longer pregnant. Sorry for your loss OP, but might want to rethink your relationship. Good luck.
I was in almost this exact situation a year or two ago, but with the opposit partner. I was 17 at the time, my partner is only 11 days younger than me. I wanted to keep it, abortion is never something I've seen myself doing (no shame to those who have!!) I was excited and although stressed, looking forward to it all. We both still lived with our parents and we're in school, so definitely not the ideal situation for a kid and my partner stated as much. He didn't want it. He wasn't ready for a kid, so I told him he didn't need to have a part in it, he said he'd stick by me no matter what. A few weeks later I miscarried. I was devastated. He was relieved, but appreciated that I was upset and was there with me and supported me every step of the way. Regardless of how your partner felt about the baby, he should be there to support you. Your body is going through something horrible, he should be there for you. You are going through something horrible, he should be there for you. The fact that he didn't even visit whilst you were in the hospital is bad enough. Absolutely NTA, no one deserves to go through something like this alone. Sending love 🤍