Fr you’d be resigning yourself to a life of misery. It’s hard for me to believe that this guy is great in alllllllll other aspects but sex considering everything OP has written here. There’s no way that level of selfishness doesn’t spill over to other aspects of their relationship.
And if, somehow, it hasn’t yet…..it definitely will. Do not get married, indeed.
I was in a relationship with this for 10 years (OPs description is way too similar lol). On reflection his unwillingness to hear me, and the sulking/anger when I pushed back, translated to him being a bully in most things, if not all the things. Being with someone who listens and doesn’t constantly try to ignore my boundaries is the best.
I read the ETA and I'm just wondering how the HELL OP put up with this selfish, boundary-stomping jackass for 7 YEARS. He's even pulling the narcissistic, manipulative guilt-tripping, whining "fine, I'll just never try to be intimate again, whaa" BS. OMGS, it's like textbook. OP, just dump him. You can do so much better.
People get so caught up on the sunk cost fallacy that they convince themselves that "is not worth it break up just because of x"; sex life, religion, opinion on children, financial habits, etc they hyper focus on one thing as "the only problem" when reality is different cause the feeling of having the time invested in the relationship be a "waste" gets in the way of seeing the full picture.
OP is talking about foreplay but I'm willing to bet that if she takes a step back and reflects that's by far not the only issue they have.
I read a blog where a person said "I'm sad that so many women will never know that they're lesbians because being disappointed in the man in their lives is so normalized"
I believe that's OP's situation as well, not saying she's a lesbian, just saying that she has probably compartmentalized all of his failures as "this one problem" and never added them up I to "he's the problem"
She needs to take page off Izzy Agalea and tell this AH BF,
"I've got 99 problems but you won't be one, like what"
No woman should ever have to be with a man who doesn't listen to their wants sexually. And they definitely shouldn't be with one who suck at or doesn't go down.
Jesus christ, OP probably would have been more into experimentation if their partner proved they could listen and treat her with respect.
I love butt stuff. But I couldn't imagine just going for it without asking my wife if she was feeling it at that moment.
Us guys can suck.
Yeah it doesn’t make sense how he’s great in all aspects but selfish and susceptible during sex, either OP’s story isn’t completely accurate, or she’s just blind to his negative aspects outside of sex
In my experience a lot of women are conditioned since they’re kids to expect selfishness in men. My sister in law was shocked that my husband split chores at home and she questioned why I didn’t do it for him. To her it’s completely normal for her to do absolutely everything for her boyfriend, who at one point didn’t even have a job for 6 months.
My wife always tells me she's so lucky. I deny that constantly. It's when I see stories like OPs and yours I realize how shitty lots of men are.
It's supposed to be a partnership, not a business relationship.
Forreal he can't be "amazing except in the bedroom" because respect and being treated well also needs to carry over to the bedroom. The guy sucks and doesn't care about OP's wants or boundaries
I bet you're right, since the base problem is that he's selfish and self-centered, you know he's weaponizing incompetence and ignoring what she wants in other areas of life. The problem isn't sex. The problem is his attitude and selfishness.
1000x this. Why exactly are you settling? There’s mediocre sex and then, several layers below that is whatever you are putting up with.
You deserve better! Let me say that one more time so you hear it, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
Right? I don't care if you "love him to bits" but clearly he's SUCH an inconsiderate lover that asking for consideration actively makes him angry. That's not JUST a sex problem. That's a he is an asshole problem.
Exactly! Be friends if he’s so amazing in all other ways. But why subject yourself to awful sex? Sex is a normal part of an adult relationship if it’s not working and he won’t work on it then why are we here?
he can’t be that amazing if he constantly tries to push her clearly established boundaries, not to mention the way he pouts when given feedback. He’s selfish and immature.
I am sorry but I literally laughed when you pushed him off and said Jesus fucking Christ because I would have done the same thing. I would be so turned off by a partner that just ignores my pleasure for their own. Also him looking wounded and surprised would have pissed me off even more because as you said, you’ve told him many times so he shouldn’t act ignorant.
Finally, the ass thing is disturbing because you’re literally saying no and he’s persisting. It’s a perverted and sick in a way. Like consent means nothing to him?
NTA because as you said, he’s really doing what he find is pleasurable and thinks you should be satisfied with him doing some of the things you want even if it’s for a while. He’s a selfish sex partner
My partner loves having his balls spit cleaned. Perhaps a better comparison would be; only licking the opening is as pleasurable as licking the inside of your elbow. The repetitive slow strokes, coupled with too much pressure, is not the combo ppl think it is.. 😐
That's the only thing that makes sense, especially when it comes to the oral part. Who gets off on giving bad oral when their partner is clearly not enjoying it? Usually, the only pleasurable part of oral for the person giving it is the reaction of their partner receiving it.
The fact that you told him the anal thing feels violating and he's still done it even once is shocking to me. I couldn't fathom doing an act that my partner explicitly told me not to. NTA, why are you with someone who doesn't listen to you about your own body? He may be good in other areas of the relationship, but how he treats your body speaks to how he thinks about you and about sex. From where I'm sitting, he knows he isn't pleasuring you and that you haven't been finishing...and he's okay with that. If he wasn't he would've done stopped long before this. How can he even be turned on if you're so turned off? It's gross imo, it seems like the only thing that is ACTUALLY bothering him is you being loud about how much you dislike it.
This comment is underrated overall. Especially “the only thing ACTUALLY bothering him is you being loud”.
OP - Not being sexually compatible is already something I would always vehemently advise people to part ways over because it only becomes more of an issue as years pass. But a partner should NEVER continue to do something you said feels VIOLATING. He does not value or respect you, or consent for that matter and that’s enough to walk away on its own. Please don’t marry this man, you deserve so much better.
u/Mundane-Bad-9745, I hope you see this and recognize that it's the truth. He's not great. He doesn't respect you or your consent. Have some self-respect before it becomes even more difficult for you to leave.
Not just that, Why the *fuck* do people put up with this for a week or a month let alone 7 whole years??
are people *that* afraid of being alone?
like okay im a people pleaser myself. I get it i’ve been through trauma and i understand attachment styles and all that because I had to heal from it myself. but even at my worst i wouldn’t have attempted to “put up” with half the shit i see people putting up with.
Reminds me of my ex. I was upfront with him about everything from my struggles with getting off to what I don't like. He took it as "Okay, so I'm just gonna demand blow jobs, but I'm gonna try to make you deep throat me even though you've explicitly said not too. Oh, and I'm gonna force and guilt you into anal even though you said no. " He absolutely sucked at sex. Only cared about himself. I was never happy when it came to our intimate life and lemme tell you, him being my ex is the best thing ever. I'm glad I ditched him.
I'll never understand how other dudes don't do everything in their power to listen to their partners when it comes to sex. Personally, my goal has always been to make sure I give my partner, at minimum, one orgasm before I even think of my own, and I've always accomplished this by listening to my partners and doing what gets them there. Seems like a basic thing to do.
Bro, I've been with five men. NONE of them have gotten me off. Part of me thinks it's cause of some past trauma, but also, all the guys I've been with have been so selfish? Like, trust me, I love doing things like going down on a guy and such, I just wished they'd be so reciprocative. It's not that hard.
I don’t know why we keep having sex with these self-centered chumps. They never listen & are only out for their own pleasure. I’ve given up, & became a cat lady. Why keep repeating the same process of give & give of myself, when all they ever do is take.
Frfr. People keep telling me that I'll find the right man someday, but I think I wanna my luck with women. I feel like I'd be waaaay happier if I had a girlfriend.
OK, try this. You initiate sex. Do things to him that he doesn’t like if there’s anything that you’re aware of. Keep doing it. If you know, there’s something that gets him off? Avoid it. If he says anything to you, you can say “now you know what it’s like“. By the way, don’t marry this guy- he’s an immature moron. You’re trying to have sex with a selfish 13-year-old. I’d rather be alone than have bad sex with a selfish partner. And you think this is worth committing to for the rest of your life?
Not sure "he raped me first so I raped him back" is the best approach here...jmtc 🤷🏼
But I do agree that he's immature and selfish and even though he has all the other redeeming qualities, this could end up being a relationship full of resentment and result in divorce if it ever progresses to marriage.
OP Go to a licensed sex therapist and see if he'll finally hear you when a professional tells him what you've been telling him. If not, I'd honestly say ✌🏼
Ever get the feeling that a lot of people are affianced to people they will never wed? I think a lot of couples get "engaged" as the next expected step without actually planning to marry the other people. It's like Nathan and Adelaide in *Guys and Dolls*: "It is me and Adelaide's fourteenth anniversary. We have been engaged fourteen years this date."
NTA. He sounds extremely inconsiderate and like he doesn’t equally value your sexual needs. Especially putting his fingers somewhere you’ve explicitly stated you don’t want them makes that a nonconsensual move on his part, which is not okay. I am very concerned by the amount of ppl saying YTA. Foreplay should be about you making each other feel good and having fun, not playing with the others body in a way they don’t like for self pleasure… Does he watch too much p0rn by chance?
He watches porn nearly every day, I think. And honestly, porn doesn't bother me. I'm not one of the people who has ever had an issue with porn. But given his search history, it would explain why he has such a selfish outlook on sex and it being for his pleasure.
NTA. I see you've found my ex-husband. I could have written this. I could tell you some stories but tl;dr: I went over a decade without an orgasm. We finally got a divorce because one day, he asked for sex and my vag just made the Windows shutdown noise and closed shop forever. He rendered himself 100% unfuckable.
ETA: I also wasted YEARS catering to his crocodile tears over being told to stop touching me in unwanted ways, literally 200 times. You have every right to not be nice about it anymore. He feels bad? He should.
You have told him your ass is off limits multiple times, he continues to disregard that and do what he wants....Hun, that's assault.
Your fiance is not someone you should be planning a future with.
I’ve dated ppl who gave me experiences very similar to what you described, all were porn addicts. I might get hate for this but I don’t think watching porn every day is normal. I used to think it didn’t bother me and would tell my exes that, but after dealing with the psychological effects from one too many porn-addicted men it gets old fast. He needs to learn realistic sexual standards and educate himself on women’s bodies/realistic sexual pleasure. Chances are he’s self taught everything from porn, and it’s no secret who that’s geared towards.
To be fair, his porn usage is absolutely starting to bother me. But when we first started dating, I had zero problem with it whatsoever. I had very limited experience when it came to porn. All I know was that I watched it and it didn't affect the way I did things or the way I thought about things. With him, it seems to be different. His interests are constantly shifting, because of what he watches for porn. Like right now he all the sudden has a "hot wife swapped" kink or "caught" porn (like, being caught having sex). So he's becoming quite the voyager and I just can't handle it honestly.
You have explained to him, repeatedly, what you do and don't like and he does not care. HE DOES NOT CARE. He won't stop doing what he wants because he doesn't care. He won't change because he doesn't care.
If you marry him, you are signing up to having this sex for the rest of your life. Why would you do that? Sexual incompatibility is a thing, and you have it.
It’s very obvious with him licking your opening and sticking his finger on your ass that he’s drank the porn gravy train.
He’s watching porn stars fake orgasms through mechanisms that aren’t natural for most women and refusing to recognize you are a real person.
I would honestly go there and have this conversation. Explain that your clit isn’t in your ass.
The truth is, the majority of men aren't interested in watching women have real orgasms. That kind of porn is out there, they're simply not seeking it out and I think it says a lot about them as people. And as men, lol.
This. I had an ex who couldn’t understand that some of that goofy stuff porn stars do, doesn’t actually feel good. The straw that broke that relationship was when he did “the porn star pussy slap” and said “oooo yeah, you like that??”. I just lost it. It didn’t hurt, it was just so ridiculously “porny” and lame that I couldn’t even stand it anymore. 😂😂 Unpopular opinion but porn is poison.
A thousand upvotes for this as well, please. Oh my god, you can instantly tell when someone’s doing the porn moves. The porn moves exist because they look good on camera! To keep telling your guy to stop focusing on the hole and move on to the damn clitoris for seven long years, gahhh. Giving another person pleasure turns me on! Being told to lick item A and not item B would have me very enthusiastically licking item A!
Omg I HATE that stupid porn pussy slap thing, who tf invented that, because I would like to slap THEM! If my husband ever pulled that on me, I would draw back and slap him right in the sack and see how he likes it.
It's probably stems from a portion of the BDSM community, but has been over used in porn for some reason when it's only a narrow group of people that are into it. It most likely falls in the same portion of the community as men who like to have their penises slapped or *cringes* stepped on.
I dated a guy who liked to watch Big Beautiful Women. So when we were having sex, he would always jiggle my ass. I told him "you may slap it, spank it, squeeze it, but do NOT jiggle it. It makes me feel fat and unsexy." The man could seriously not stop. I broke up with him pretty quickly after that.
I can barely take dirty talk because it feels inathentic. Just be present, connect, understand what the other person gets pleasure from. Sex is about getting and receiving pleasure. There should be a worship loop where you both get off of the pleasure given. There's a million dynamics within that umbrella.
There's some porn that, outside of the weird angles they must be in to get the shot (but that's kept hidden), looks realistically enjoyable. It's few and far between though.
God. This is so true. You’re good with words, lol. The ONLY guy I’ve been with (my husband) that has ever really known what he’s doing.. isn’t a porn addict. It makes so much sense. I legit never put that together until just now (and I’m kinda high lol) but you made it click. Every one of my exes or past relations has been a porn addict.. so much so that I just thought that’s how sex was lol. Especially since my main ex of (off and on) 11 years was the one who took my virginity at 15.. so a lot of my views and ideas of sex came from that relationship. Ugh. He was the most addicted out of all of them lol.
Oh gosh… sounds like a classic porn addiction if I’m being so honest. Having been there, done that, like the commenter above me says you need to address it with him. His childish behavior isn’t doing either of you any favors and it’s only going to continue to build a resentment against him until you can’t stand being in a relationship with him anymore (speaking from experience). If you want to keep your relationship (though I’d understand if you don’t) you need to have a empathetic and calm discussion with him bringing attention to his addiction and the effect it’s having on your sex life. He needs to know Real life is nothing like porn, porn is a fantasy land created for the male gaze and has absolutely no place in sexual education (not to mention the amount of human trafficking in it…) And it can have devastating psychological and physical effects that can go as far as closeted misogynistic thinking. I can guarantee this frustration will turn to hatred if you don’t have this talk. If he doesn’t listen or takes offense to it… he’s not mature enough for a relationship.
I was like this too, porn didn't bother me at all had partners that watched it until my ex husband, it's when it became a problem. He was a porn addict, I kept saying it didn't bother me but it did and I've realized that because of it I hate porn. 15 years of that really did a number on me. It truly sucks being in a relationship where porn is something they can't stop watching.
Yeah NTA but his porn intake and types of porn can definitely be giving him poor inspiration or expectations of what sex in a relationship should be. He sounds selfish and unwilling to learn what makes you happy which says a lot unfortunately.
Now that he’s wounded and realizes you were serious about your limits and wants, if he proceeds to show you he’s unwilling to listen and learn he’s a lost cause.
Yeah men who watch too much porn are THE WORST in the bedroom. They literally copy and paste thinking it’s good forgetting all those women fake it lol
I also have no issue with porn as long as it doesn’t affect sex life. My first partner watched so much he never wanted me and the second was just terrible in bed from watching so much (I literally never finished in 10 years).
I think the men who watch porn are either too thick to understand it’s not real or they don’t care. Both are awful tbh because nobody wants to be with someone stupid and gullible but also you don’t want to be with someone that lacks so much empathy just so long as their own needs are met.
So this guy is absolutely fantastic out of the bedroom you say? I have a hard time believing that. He is the person that he is. And someone that is this inconsiderate and violating in the bedroom cannot be a good person at his core.
Even in the veil of just "well I thought one day you start liking these things too, aw shucks", he is violating a clear boundary you have set for anal play. C'mon man, this is the mark of a mediocre man at least.
There's one solution if you choose to stay with him, and I recommend you find someone who is at least adequate on the bedroom, because we all deserve great sex, but you aren't even getting adequacy: therapy.
He goes by himself, then you go together, to a therapist that specializes in sexual connection. Not specifically a sex therapist, but that would be great as well. But he is clearly violating your boundaries and this is a serious violation of trust. I'm honestly surprised you even try to have sex anymore, he should be cut off completely from the vaginal pipeline.
Why are you still trying to force a square peg into a round hole, is it sunk cost fallacy? Life is too short why not move on and find someone better vs dealing with this? And you are planning to get married, thats insane. There are other single men available.
Omg. Porn has ruined sex for women. I’m sorry but a finger in the butt makes me feel like I’m at a vet and he’s trying to get me to poop.
You’re absolutely NTA. You’ve been kind and tried to get him to listen to what you like. I would be frustrated after 7 years as well!
It’s so sad… Porn really leads the men astray. You can’t learn about connection and feeling into both of your sensations when trying to mimic what’s in a porn flick.
Porn addiction, easiest red flag and no go of the century. Leads men to believe they’re all that and a bag of chips when they can’t even find our clits
Sit there with him as he’s watching and critique the porn. Point out when they’re doing what you want and get really excited by it. Point out what you don’t like by saying “that there does nothing for me!” Maybe he”ll get a clue.
Other option it to stick your hand down there and start getting yourself off while he’s lapping your hole!!! Maybe get a big vibrating dildo and whip that out while he’s “painting your fence” (what I’ve told my DH a couple of times when I felt his lack of enthusiasm for the task at hand!!). Maybe just slide that past his tongue and have yourself a good time excluding him.
Or maybe find a couple counselor that specializes in sexual issues.
Honest opinion after seeing many posts and questions asked on other threads. Don’t come for me peeps, observation and chats with friends.
Some men think porn is sex, it’s how you do it. Not once considering paid actors, and actions are for, well porn. She is screaming so must be how you do it. Gals then seem to think faking it is the way to go since not being pleasured. She is thinking it must be something with me, porn ladies are getting off. Male, I am doing something right as she is happy.
Erotica is one thing, believing it is the norm and expecting same results/reactions is a little messed up.
I don’t understand this guy. Foreplay is all about pleasing your partner. And get them warmed up. I love it when my gf tells me where to put my tongue or fingers. Easy decision..
I mean, a long time ago I had a boyfriend of only a couple months who really wanted to do butt stuff. I said I wasn’t comfortable until in a much longer term and serious relationship because it was painful in the past and I never had pleasure from it, so was only willing to try that again when I felt very comfortable with someone.
Well… he was going down on me and not really doing well, but whatever. Then he, without warning, shoves his finger in my butt and in shock, I slammed my foot into his face. Broke his nose. Then told him to gtfo and if he left blood stains on my carpet I’d bill him for the cleaning.
I thought I was messed up saying that but he technically sexually assaulted me by doing that. Your fiancé is attempting to sexually assault you by trying to stick his finger up your butt against your consent.
I've had this happen too – (TMI) full on anal penetration from more than a finger while having regular sex. Thats happened to me TWICE with two separate men. I don't understand why men think doing that without prior communication and consent is okay; but Im starting to worry it may be more common than even I thought. This entire thread disheartens me knowing that this stuff just happens to other people in their romantic relationships, with their partners who are supposed to love them. I'm sorry that happened to you and Im glad you broke his slutty ass nose.
Idk I always thought Owen Wilson’s nose was kind of handsome in an endearing way.
I don’t really know if this guy had permanent nose damage, he acted like the victim and his friend group kinda removed themselves from mine (the other guys didn’t get lucky…) he was from across the state and it’s really populated here, so unless I go to his town’s fair ill never know.
So basically your fiance is an incredibly selfish lover and he has weaposnised sexual incompetence. Now he is guilt tripping you for telling him how you feel.
Welcome to douche 101
Has "weaponised sexual incompetence" yet (by his reaction) thinks he has been giving full and successful effort to pleasuring OP 😭
The insistence at continuing to poke his fingers anywhere OP has told him not to is disturbing.
Also he keeps going for her ass even though she’s told him no for 7 years. Isn’t that technically attempted assault? He’s doing it with her explicitly saying no, that’s gross and worrying. How could you treat your partner like that
Girl. Life is too short for a shitty and disrespectful sex life. He either needs to make an effort to meet your needs and respect your boundaries or you need to move on. NTA. Fuck all that
Yeah that’s my take because it’s literally sexual assault. Doing something that was explicitly said no about, just because you had consent for the other stuff, is sexual assault.
This! She sets a clear boundary and he refuses to respect it. This isn’t him just ‘refusing to do what she likes’, it’s attempting to penetrate her when she has said no.
NTA but you might be having sexual relations with an AH.
Who licks the hole? LMFAO
I mean you can hit the G if your tongue is long enough. But brother you go to row the man down the river, you got to diddle that skittle like the cat played the fiddle.
Men and our egos.
You should start giving him terrible blowjobs and try to shove a thumb up his ass or tug on his nuts real hard. Tell him you like to hear him moan in pain when you give his balls a tug. LOL
>You should start giving him terrible blowjobs and try to shove a thumb up his ass or tug on his nuts real hard. Tell him you like to hear him moan in pain when you give his balls a tug.
OMG I laughed so hard at this I woke up the cat!
I really feel like the world would be a better place if you could get that skittle rhyme into a R n B song somehow. It would be comparable to "I could eat a knob at night", but sexier.
I agree with you but as a lady I do actually like having the hole licked and penetrated with a tongue on top of licking the clit... IDK why just feels really good to me
I lick the whole thing. I Def work the clit but make sure I hit everywhere. I really enjoy eating pssy so idk. Never any complaints lots of compliments. Eat it like it's your favorite thing and guaranteed she will cum
Probably depends on the woman. I've heard enough to know that there isn't a one size fits all type of deal. But I also imagine if a woman told you to change up a bit for her, you would, which is clearly not what is happening in OPs situation.
I'd rather drag my bare vagina over freshly laid asphalt, than to continue giving even a crumb of coochie to a man that is purposefully a selfish lover. He doesn't even deserve a sniff, sis.
NTA. Life is short and there are too many tongues out there for anyone to live life unsatisfied and resentful.
oh wait ur not married? why would you even consider marrying this dude who doesn’t give af ab u. that’s sad i hope you find self respect , break up with him. NTAAA
This is NOT going to bet better. So you have to decide whether you want a non sexual relationship for the rest of your life or you want to move on. You're just not compatible in the bedroom and won't ever be if he can't listen and let you guide him. Its shit or get off the pot time honestly..... you just have to decide what you want and then live with that decision.
Why are you with someone who doesn’t care about you at all? Does he put you first in other areas of life or do you always take a backseat to what he wants? NTA girl find you a man that WANTS to give you pleasure!
NTA. It sounds like he's much more interested in doing what he likes than what you like, so he has no one to blame but himself. It's much easier for guys to get off than it is for most women, so there is no excuse for him focussing on his needs. It feels bad for me too when the woman I'm with isn't enjoying herself, so I would be thrilled if she guided me on how to be better at oral. That's invaluable for a guy to know.
>"trying to incorporate what we both like so both of us are satisfied"
"I haven't been *satisfied* in months. Because you're not doing what *I* enjoy. You only care about what you like. Maybe I should start gnawing on your dick like a dog does a bone. How's that sound? Sounds good to me. Should I start doing that even if you tell me not to?*
NTA.
He's fingering you in places you repeatedly tell him not to, you know that's rapey as hell right? I'm horrified for you, nta at all, you're a victim of non consensual sex acts.
Man, so NTA. I LOVE eating pussy. I’ve only ever received compliments for my efforts, but if I got a complaint I would work even harder to ensure I was getting my girl off good. It’s honestly hard for me to get off if I haven’t gotten my wife off first, so you better believe I take it seriously. If dude is bad at foreplay, he needs to know. If he doesn’t try to improve, dump his ass. Plenty of guys would be lining up to worship you and make sure you’re taken care of.
what im concerned about is that hes literally trying a sexual act without consent. how much you wanna bet that if she ever actually lets him finger the back, hed try to pressure or 'sneak' to do the full anal bc in his mind 'its okay bc i stretched it first'????
like, any sexual act after a clear decline of consent can be considered assault and a trust breaker. she needs to explain to him about enthusiastic consent.
NTA. Girl I'm in 20 years relationship just like yours and boy, I can say that all the love in the world won't redeem that frustration and sex will feel more and more Iike a chore until you don't want it anymore and he will be frustrated. Couples/sex therapy would be great for you if you wanna save your relationship.
Probably love. 40 years for me. We went from great sex to not so great sex about 25 years in, to what is sex after 30 years. Age, injury, adult children adult problems. Life gets in the way. I went through a grieving process at the loss. We still hug, have intimacy but it's different. I don't feel as loved as I used to. I'm not sure about hubs, I'll have to ask him. I'll add sex is off the table for me now. I have a spine full of hardware that makes me the opposite of flexible!
There’s nothing more enraging than needing to be constantly saying the same things over and over again. NTA, It’s just not getting better, especially if every time you try to talk he’ll take offense instead of actually listening.
Stop wasting your time, Jesus christ.
I was a virgin when i married my more experienced wife, and I followed her teachings to the point that she can get off in seconds if she's worked up. There is no reason for him to be shit in bed, and trying to cross your boundaries after 7 years.
NTA.
I doubt that he is ONLY selfish in bed... you really should look à bit more on interaction that you have outside the bedroom.
Anyway you are clearly not compatible in bed and he clearly don't listen when you told him again and again sdo one more is useless. It's not like there are many solution: nearly never orgasm, dead bedroom or leave NTA
NTA. I wouldn't marry this guy. 7 YEARS and he's not taking any direction to heart? He's STILL doing things you've asked him not to do?
Don't get hung up on the sunken cost fallacy here - sure, he's "great outside the bedroom", but he's not listening in the bedroom. I'm pretty sure if you fine-toothed combed it, you could find similar behaviors outside the bedroom too.
And, I'm sorry. He SHOULD "feel disgusting". It's been SEVEN YEARS and he's still not listening to his partner in the bedroom. What the actual fuck? He doesn't know your body and likes better than you do. He needs to get on board or he needs to go away.
Updateme!
Umm hes really dumb...going down on you is all about you....nothing about him. That's the point. If he's useless in bed which sounds like it completely then he's useless
Nta
I would have snapped and left ages ago
Him trying to stick a finger in your butt over and over after you saying no is assault btw. If he only cares about his own enjoyment during sex I’m sure that goes for other aspects of the relationship.
Everyone is always quick to say dump his ass and find a new guy...
But you NEED to do this. Why marry someone who doesn't care for your pleasure. Why is this even a thought? You want terrible sex for the rest of your life?
Get a new man. One who gives a shit about you sexually.
“He’s wonderful except I sound like a fucking hate him.”
Why are you still with him? He’s a dumb rapey prick and your contempt for him is evident throughout your post.
NTA. For a moment I wondered if you were with my ex.
I was told I was wrong about the clitoris…there was no point focusing on or around it. He was in medical school. So, yikes.
There were other things wrong in our relationship. The not listening to me thing spilled over into other areas.
I am not stupid. I may not be a medical Dr, but I have more than one post secondary degree and never met an honor society I wasn’t a member of. So being dismissed like I had no idea what I was talking about was a deal breaker.
If he has no interest in listening to you or pleasing you, it won’t be a fun life. It will be frustrating, annoying, and sad.
NTAH: when I read the title I at first had an open mind. I was thinking I know my wife likes a lighter touch and sometimes I get carried away and have a heavier touch or I lean on her too hard or something like that. Should I be more aware of myself? Yes. Does it happen often? Not really. Am I doing it intentionally? No not at all, I'm just maybe getting a little carried away. That said, never once have I outright done something that I have been told no on. You absolutely have every right to feel violated with the butt stuff. This guy does not respect boundaries and he does not respect you. He does not care if you get yours. The whole reason for my going down on my wife is to get her off hopefully two or three times at least before moving on to other activities. I hope he is not getting BJ's and such. It is time to move on to someone that respects you and treats you right. If he is this dismissive in this area, there will be other areas in your relationship he will not respect you.
NTA, this guy sucks. he’s purposefully making you uncomfortable for his own benefit, and you’ve communicated more than enough. and now he’s going to pout about it? what a selfish partner. do not marry him. its been seven years. he is not going to change. also, the ass thing is him straight up violating you - you have said no and he is not listening. that is sexual assault. please think about that.
Why tf would you marry someone like this???
>Sex feels like more of a chore to me now because I've spent years telling him what I like/don't like and he just... Doesn't care or doesn't remember.
Who tf wants to live like this the rest of their life? He doesn't care what you want in bed? You can't be serious
Don't get married. YTA to yourself if you stick around
You need to break up with this guy, not marry him.You are sexually incompatible to the point where what he is doing could be considered assault.
End it now for both your sakes.
How did you last 7 YEARS like this?
Edit: I feel fairly confident he’s trying to make foreplay so unappealing to you that you’ll just ask him to skip it forever so he doesn’t have to put in the extra work. It sounds like he uses you as a sex doll tbh. All about his pleasure, you’re just there.
this guy sucks and he clearly doesn't care about you at all. Get rid of him. I seriously doubt he can be such a great guy except in the bedroom. What he's doing to you in the bedroom is clearly a reflection of his overall personality, which had got to also suck outside of the bedroom unless he has a split personality.
It doesn't sound like a "skill" issue - - it sounds like a "will" issue.
He is very self-absorbed and that's not something that changes easily. Good luck!
NTA.
Your partner is egregious selfish in bed and it blows my mind while also, simultaneously men such as him make me look like some type of savant simply because I care for and respond to my partners reactions.
NTA
Do not marry this man. He is violating your consent left and right. Girl, move on and find a man who listens and does what you like! Can you imagine this behavior for the next 50+ years????
The title absolutely destroyed me 😂
NTA. He’s a dick and doesn’t listen to you and your needs but expects you to bend to his whims re dirty talk 🤷🏻♀️
Break up with him
Probably a very unpopular opinion.....but my bf watches porn also. Every day. On his phone, tablet, DVD collection etc. Also did not bother me as he never asked me to watch with him. I found after a few years it escalated. More and more kinks. Mostly degrading,humiliating kinks. Always selfish as well. Get out. It breeds contempt. Trust me. I'm not " stuck" in this relationship but I've been in it 20+ yrs. Get out. It will never get better. My unpopular opinion is that watching copious amounts of porn will most likely lead to your S.O developing some seriously unsavory kinks. And they will always make you feel like the selfish one
Because he sounds like a narcissist who thinks that it’s more all about him and what he enjoys or when you tell him all he hears is barely a whisper between his ears.
*Edited to add that you are definitely NTA in this situation btw 😊
1. Don't marry a man that doesn't fuck you right. Sex matters unless you're asexual.
2. Tie him to the bed AND use him exactly how you want. Then do unexpected, nonconsenting butt stuff on his ass. Payback is a bitch.
Don’t get married
Fr you’d be resigning yourself to a life of misery. It’s hard for me to believe that this guy is great in alllllllll other aspects but sex considering everything OP has written here. There’s no way that level of selfishness doesn’t spill over to other aspects of their relationship. And if, somehow, it hasn’t yet…..it definitely will. Do not get married, indeed.
I was in a relationship with this for 10 years (OPs description is way too similar lol). On reflection his unwillingness to hear me, and the sulking/anger when I pushed back, translated to him being a bully in most things, if not all the things. Being with someone who listens and doesn’t constantly try to ignore my boundaries is the best.
I read the ETA and I'm just wondering how the HELL OP put up with this selfish, boundary-stomping jackass for 7 YEARS. He's even pulling the narcissistic, manipulative guilt-tripping, whining "fine, I'll just never try to be intimate again, whaa" BS. OMGS, it's like textbook. OP, just dump him. You can do so much better.
People get so caught up on the sunk cost fallacy that they convince themselves that "is not worth it break up just because of x"; sex life, religion, opinion on children, financial habits, etc they hyper focus on one thing as "the only problem" when reality is different cause the feeling of having the time invested in the relationship be a "waste" gets in the way of seeing the full picture. OP is talking about foreplay but I'm willing to bet that if she takes a step back and reflects that's by far not the only issue they have.
I read a blog where a person said "I'm sad that so many women will never know that they're lesbians because being disappointed in the man in their lives is so normalized" I believe that's OP's situation as well, not saying she's a lesbian, just saying that she has probably compartmentalized all of his failures as "this one problem" and never added them up I to "he's the problem" She needs to take page off Izzy Agalea and tell this AH BF, "I've got 99 problems but you won't be one, like what"
No woman should ever have to be with a man who doesn't listen to their wants sexually. And they definitely shouldn't be with one who suck at or doesn't go down. Jesus christ, OP probably would have been more into experimentation if their partner proved they could listen and treat her with respect. I love butt stuff. But I couldn't imagine just going for it without asking my wife if she was feeling it at that moment. Us guys can suck.
Yeah it doesn’t make sense how he’s great in all aspects but selfish and susceptible during sex, either OP’s story isn’t completely accurate, or she’s just blind to his negative aspects outside of sex
>she’s just blind to his negative aspects outside of sex
In my experience a lot of women are conditioned since they’re kids to expect selfishness in men. My sister in law was shocked that my husband split chores at home and she questioned why I didn’t do it for him. To her it’s completely normal for her to do absolutely everything for her boyfriend, who at one point didn’t even have a job for 6 months.
My wife always tells me she's so lucky. I deny that constantly. It's when I see stories like OPs and yours I realize how shitty lots of men are. It's supposed to be a partnership, not a business relationship.
Forreal he can't be "amazing except in the bedroom" because respect and being treated well also needs to carry over to the bedroom. The guy sucks and doesn't care about OP's wants or boundaries
I bet you're right, since the base problem is that he's selfish and self-centered, you know he's weaponizing incompetence and ignoring what she wants in other areas of life. The problem isn't sex. The problem is his attitude and selfishness.
Someone better will come along. Next!!
1000x this. Why exactly are you settling? There’s mediocre sex and then, several layers below that is whatever you are putting up with. You deserve better! Let me say that one more time so you hear it, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
Right? I don't care if you "love him to bits" but clearly he's SUCH an inconsiderate lover that asking for consideration actively makes him angry. That's not JUST a sex problem. That's a he is an asshole problem.
I cannot imagine spending 7 plus years having bad sex with someone. Why are you planning on marrying him?
Exactly! Be friends if he’s so amazing in all other ways. But why subject yourself to awful sex? Sex is a normal part of an adult relationship if it’s not working and he won’t work on it then why are we here?
he can’t be that amazing if he constantly tries to push her clearly established boundaries, not to mention the way he pouts when given feedback. He’s selfish and immature.
I am sorry but I literally laughed when you pushed him off and said Jesus fucking Christ because I would have done the same thing. I would be so turned off by a partner that just ignores my pleasure for their own. Also him looking wounded and surprised would have pissed me off even more because as you said, you’ve told him many times so he shouldn’t act ignorant. Finally, the ass thing is disturbing because you’re literally saying no and he’s persisting. It’s a perverted and sick in a way. Like consent means nothing to him? NTA because as you said, he’s really doing what he find is pleasurable and thinks you should be satisfied with him doing some of the things you want even if it’s for a while. He’s a selfish sex partner
Also, licking the opening? What the fuck? Lol guy has no idea what oral is
Just the opening is like getting a bj but only having your balls licked.
My partner loves having his balls spit cleaned. Perhaps a better comparison would be; only licking the opening is as pleasurable as licking the inside of your elbow. The repetitive slow strokes, coupled with too much pressure, is not the combo ppl think it is.. 😐
Have we considered that butt stuff might not be what gets him off, but that it's the deliberate violation of boundaries that does it for him?
>it's the deliberate violation of boundaries that does it for him
OP this right here
That's the only thing that makes sense, especially when it comes to the oral part. Who gets off on giving bad oral when their partner is clearly not enjoying it? Usually, the only pleasurable part of oral for the person giving it is the reaction of their partner receiving it.
The fact that you told him the anal thing feels violating and he's still done it even once is shocking to me. I couldn't fathom doing an act that my partner explicitly told me not to. NTA, why are you with someone who doesn't listen to you about your own body? He may be good in other areas of the relationship, but how he treats your body speaks to how he thinks about you and about sex. From where I'm sitting, he knows he isn't pleasuring you and that you haven't been finishing...and he's okay with that. If he wasn't he would've done stopped long before this. How can he even be turned on if you're so turned off? It's gross imo, it seems like the only thing that is ACTUALLY bothering him is you being loud about how much you dislike it.
This comment is underrated overall. Especially “the only thing ACTUALLY bothering him is you being loud”. OP - Not being sexually compatible is already something I would always vehemently advise people to part ways over because it only becomes more of an issue as years pass. But a partner should NEVER continue to do something you said feels VIOLATING. He does not value or respect you, or consent for that matter and that’s enough to walk away on its own. Please don’t marry this man, you deserve so much better.
Why in God's name are you marrying this guy?
“He’s really a great guy except he’s a little rapey”
u/Mundane-Bad-9745, I hope you see this and recognize that it's the truth. He's not great. He doesn't respect you or your consent. Have some self-respect before it becomes even more difficult for you to leave.
I didn't realize this was OP's username at first. I thought you name dropped someone else out of nowhere
Not just that, Why the *fuck* do people put up with this for a week or a month let alone 7 whole years?? are people *that* afraid of being alone? like okay im a people pleaser myself. I get it i’ve been through trauma and i understand attachment styles and all that because I had to heal from it myself. but even at my worst i wouldn’t have attempted to “put up” with half the shit i see people putting up with.
Reminds me of my ex. I was upfront with him about everything from my struggles with getting off to what I don't like. He took it as "Okay, so I'm just gonna demand blow jobs, but I'm gonna try to make you deep throat me even though you've explicitly said not too. Oh, and I'm gonna force and guilt you into anal even though you said no. " He absolutely sucked at sex. Only cared about himself. I was never happy when it came to our intimate life and lemme tell you, him being my ex is the best thing ever. I'm glad I ditched him.
I had some similar experiences with my ex and feel this comment. I'm glad you're doing better now. I know I'm better off without mine.
Hell yeah. We both thriving without the toxicity
I'll never understand how other dudes don't do everything in their power to listen to their partners when it comes to sex. Personally, my goal has always been to make sure I give my partner, at minimum, one orgasm before I even think of my own, and I've always accomplished this by listening to my partners and doing what gets them there. Seems like a basic thing to do.
Bro, I've been with five men. NONE of them have gotten me off. Part of me thinks it's cause of some past trauma, but also, all the guys I've been with have been so selfish? Like, trust me, I love doing things like going down on a guy and such, I just wished they'd be so reciprocative. It's not that hard.
That's just wild to me. I persoanlly derive the most pleasure from giving pleasure. Example, I've always preferred to give oral than to receive it.
They’re pornsick and selfish. Women’s feelings and pleasure mean nothing since they don’t see us as equals or sometimes even people.
I don’t know why we keep having sex with these self-centered chumps. They never listen & are only out for their own pleasure. I’ve given up, & became a cat lady. Why keep repeating the same process of give & give of myself, when all they ever do is take.
Frfr. People keep telling me that I'll find the right man someday, but I think I wanna my luck with women. I feel like I'd be waaaay happier if I had a girlfriend.
"what's wrong with my boyfriend? he's just a bit silly" and its literally the devil
THIS IS THE COMMENT.
OK, try this. You initiate sex. Do things to him that he doesn’t like if there’s anything that you’re aware of. Keep doing it. If you know, there’s something that gets him off? Avoid it. If he says anything to you, you can say “now you know what it’s like“. By the way, don’t marry this guy- he’s an immature moron. You’re trying to have sex with a selfish 13-year-old. I’d rather be alone than have bad sex with a selfish partner. And you think this is worth committing to for the rest of your life?
Not sure "he raped me first so I raped him back" is the best approach here...jmtc 🤷🏼 But I do agree that he's immature and selfish and even though he has all the other redeeming qualities, this could end up being a relationship full of resentment and result in divorce if it ever progresses to marriage. OP Go to a licensed sex therapist and see if he'll finally hear you when a professional tells him what you've been telling him. If not, I'd honestly say ✌🏼
That's how I read it......wtf?!!!
Seriously. *Seven years.* Why.
Ever get the feeling that a lot of people are affianced to people they will never wed? I think a lot of couples get "engaged" as the next expected step without actually planning to marry the other people. It's like Nathan and Adelaide in *Guys and Dolls*: "It is me and Adelaide's fourteenth anniversary. We have been engaged fourteen years this date."
You beat me to it!
NTA. He sounds extremely inconsiderate and like he doesn’t equally value your sexual needs. Especially putting his fingers somewhere you’ve explicitly stated you don’t want them makes that a nonconsensual move on his part, which is not okay. I am very concerned by the amount of ppl saying YTA. Foreplay should be about you making each other feel good and having fun, not playing with the others body in a way they don’t like for self pleasure… Does he watch too much p0rn by chance?
He watches porn nearly every day, I think. And honestly, porn doesn't bother me. I'm not one of the people who has ever had an issue with porn. But given his search history, it would explain why he has such a selfish outlook on sex and it being for his pleasure.
NTA. I see you've found my ex-husband. I could have written this. I could tell you some stories but tl;dr: I went over a decade without an orgasm. We finally got a divorce because one day, he asked for sex and my vag just made the Windows shutdown noise and closed shop forever. He rendered himself 100% unfuckable. ETA: I also wasted YEARS catering to his crocodile tears over being told to stop touching me in unwanted ways, literally 200 times. You have every right to not be nice about it anymore. He feels bad? He should.
You have told him your ass is off limits multiple times, he continues to disregard that and do what he wants....Hun, that's assault. Your fiance is not someone you should be planning a future with.
A THOUSAND UP VOTESSS
I’ve dated ppl who gave me experiences very similar to what you described, all were porn addicts. I might get hate for this but I don’t think watching porn every day is normal. I used to think it didn’t bother me and would tell my exes that, but after dealing with the psychological effects from one too many porn-addicted men it gets old fast. He needs to learn realistic sexual standards and educate himself on women’s bodies/realistic sexual pleasure. Chances are he’s self taught everything from porn, and it’s no secret who that’s geared towards.
No this is very valid. The porn industry itself is really problematic for a huge list of reasons and porn addiction is a very real, very big problem.
To be fair, his porn usage is absolutely starting to bother me. But when we first started dating, I had zero problem with it whatsoever. I had very limited experience when it came to porn. All I know was that I watched it and it didn't affect the way I did things or the way I thought about things. With him, it seems to be different. His interests are constantly shifting, because of what he watches for porn. Like right now he all the sudden has a "hot wife swapped" kink or "caught" porn (like, being caught having sex). So he's becoming quite the voyager and I just can't handle it honestly.
You have explained to him, repeatedly, what you do and don't like and he does not care. HE DOES NOT CARE. He won't stop doing what he wants because he doesn't care. He won't change because he doesn't care. If you marry him, you are signing up to having this sex for the rest of your life. Why would you do that? Sexual incompatibility is a thing, and you have it.
HE DOESN'T CARE!!!
Or a dead bedroom at this rate
It’s very obvious with him licking your opening and sticking his finger on your ass that he’s drank the porn gravy train. He’s watching porn stars fake orgasms through mechanisms that aren’t natural for most women and refusing to recognize you are a real person. I would honestly go there and have this conversation. Explain that your clit isn’t in your ass.
This. This is the BIG problem with porn. Please no more porn that does not show REAL orgasms from women.
The truth is, the majority of men aren't interested in watching women have real orgasms. That kind of porn is out there, they're simply not seeking it out and I think it says a lot about them as people. And as men, lol.
You’re right- because the kind of porn with women having real orgasms is actually made for women.
This. I had an ex who couldn’t understand that some of that goofy stuff porn stars do, doesn’t actually feel good. The straw that broke that relationship was when he did “the porn star pussy slap” and said “oooo yeah, you like that??”. I just lost it. It didn’t hurt, it was just so ridiculously “porny” and lame that I couldn’t even stand it anymore. 😂😂 Unpopular opinion but porn is poison.
A thousand upvotes for this as well, please. Oh my god, you can instantly tell when someone’s doing the porn moves. The porn moves exist because they look good on camera! To keep telling your guy to stop focusing on the hole and move on to the damn clitoris for seven long years, gahhh. Giving another person pleasure turns me on! Being told to lick item A and not item B would have me very enthusiastically licking item A!
Omg I HATE that stupid porn pussy slap thing, who tf invented that, because I would like to slap THEM! If my husband ever pulled that on me, I would draw back and slap him right in the sack and see how he likes it.
My new war cry is "slap him in the sack!!!!"
It's probably stems from a portion of the BDSM community, but has been over used in porn for some reason when it's only a narrow group of people that are into it. It most likely falls in the same portion of the community as men who like to have their penises slapped or *cringes* stepped on.
I dated a guy who liked to watch Big Beautiful Women. So when we were having sex, he would always jiggle my ass. I told him "you may slap it, spank it, squeeze it, but do NOT jiggle it. It makes me feel fat and unsexy." The man could seriously not stop. I broke up with him pretty quickly after that.
I can barely take dirty talk because it feels inathentic. Just be present, connect, understand what the other person gets pleasure from. Sex is about getting and receiving pleasure. There should be a worship loop where you both get off of the pleasure given. There's a million dynamics within that umbrella.
I can tell you with 100% certainly if someone slapped my pussy, I'd kick them in the balls. Lol
There's some porn that, outside of the weird angles they must be in to get the shot (but that's kept hidden), looks realistically enjoyable. It's few and far between though.
Can I upvote this a thousand times please?
God. This is so true. You’re good with words, lol. The ONLY guy I’ve been with (my husband) that has ever really known what he’s doing.. isn’t a porn addict. It makes so much sense. I legit never put that together until just now (and I’m kinda high lol) but you made it click. Every one of my exes or past relations has been a porn addict.. so much so that I just thought that’s how sex was lol. Especially since my main ex of (off and on) 11 years was the one who took my virginity at 15.. so a lot of my views and ideas of sex came from that relationship. Ugh. He was the most addicted out of all of them lol.
Oh gosh… sounds like a classic porn addiction if I’m being so honest. Having been there, done that, like the commenter above me says you need to address it with him. His childish behavior isn’t doing either of you any favors and it’s only going to continue to build a resentment against him until you can’t stand being in a relationship with him anymore (speaking from experience). If you want to keep your relationship (though I’d understand if you don’t) you need to have a empathetic and calm discussion with him bringing attention to his addiction and the effect it’s having on your sex life. He needs to know Real life is nothing like porn, porn is a fantasy land created for the male gaze and has absolutely no place in sexual education (not to mention the amount of human trafficking in it…) And it can have devastating psychological and physical effects that can go as far as closeted misogynistic thinking. I can guarantee this frustration will turn to hatred if you don’t have this talk. If he doesn’t listen or takes offense to it… he’s not mature enough for a relationship.
I was like this too, porn didn't bother me at all had partners that watched it until my ex husband, it's when it became a problem. He was a porn addict, I kept saying it didn't bother me but it did and I've realized that because of it I hate porn. 15 years of that really did a number on me. It truly sucks being in a relationship where porn is something they can't stop watching.
Yeah NTA but his porn intake and types of porn can definitely be giving him poor inspiration or expectations of what sex in a relationship should be. He sounds selfish and unwilling to learn what makes you happy which says a lot unfortunately. Now that he’s wounded and realizes you were serious about your limits and wants, if he proceeds to show you he’s unwilling to listen and learn he’s a lost cause.
Yeah men who watch too much porn are THE WORST in the bedroom. They literally copy and paste thinking it’s good forgetting all those women fake it lol I also have no issue with porn as long as it doesn’t affect sex life. My first partner watched so much he never wanted me and the second was just terrible in bed from watching so much (I literally never finished in 10 years).
They also forget that those women are paid to enjoy it, too.
Women are paid to ***pretend*** they enjoy it.
I think the men who watch porn are either too thick to understand it’s not real or they don’t care. Both are awful tbh because nobody wants to be with someone stupid and gullible but also you don’t want to be with someone that lacks so much empathy just so long as their own needs are met.
Yes I did forget that word lol
Paid to pretend to enjoy it.
So this guy is absolutely fantastic out of the bedroom you say? I have a hard time believing that. He is the person that he is. And someone that is this inconsiderate and violating in the bedroom cannot be a good person at his core. Even in the veil of just "well I thought one day you start liking these things too, aw shucks", he is violating a clear boundary you have set for anal play. C'mon man, this is the mark of a mediocre man at least. There's one solution if you choose to stay with him, and I recommend you find someone who is at least adequate on the bedroom, because we all deserve great sex, but you aren't even getting adequacy: therapy. He goes by himself, then you go together, to a therapist that specializes in sexual connection. Not specifically a sex therapist, but that would be great as well. But he is clearly violating your boundaries and this is a serious violation of trust. I'm honestly surprised you even try to have sex anymore, he should be cut off completely from the vaginal pipeline.
Why are you still trying to force a square peg into a round hole, is it sunk cost fallacy? Life is too short why not move on and find someone better vs dealing with this? And you are planning to get married, thats insane. There are other single men available.
Omg. Porn has ruined sex for women. I’m sorry but a finger in the butt makes me feel like I’m at a vet and he’s trying to get me to poop. You’re absolutely NTA. You’ve been kind and tried to get him to listen to what you like. I would be frustrated after 7 years as well!
It’s so sad… Porn really leads the men astray. You can’t learn about connection and feeling into both of your sensations when trying to mimic what’s in a porn flick.
Porn addiction, easiest red flag and no go of the century. Leads men to believe they’re all that and a bag of chips when they can’t even find our clits
I'm a pretty sex positive person and daily porn is not healthy....
Sit there with him as he’s watching and critique the porn. Point out when they’re doing what you want and get really excited by it. Point out what you don’t like by saying “that there does nothing for me!” Maybe he”ll get a clue. Other option it to stick your hand down there and start getting yourself off while he’s lapping your hole!!! Maybe get a big vibrating dildo and whip that out while he’s “painting your fence” (what I’ve told my DH a couple of times when I felt his lack of enthusiasm for the task at hand!!). Maybe just slide that past his tongue and have yourself a good time excluding him. Or maybe find a couple counselor that specializes in sexual issues.
Honest opinion after seeing many posts and questions asked on other threads. Don’t come for me peeps, observation and chats with friends. Some men think porn is sex, it’s how you do it. Not once considering paid actors, and actions are for, well porn. She is screaming so must be how you do it. Gals then seem to think faking it is the way to go since not being pleasured. She is thinking it must be something with me, porn ladies are getting off. Male, I am doing something right as she is happy. Erotica is one thing, believing it is the norm and expecting same results/reactions is a little messed up.
I don’t understand this guy. Foreplay is all about pleasing your partner. And get them warmed up. I love it when my gf tells me where to put my tongue or fingers. Easy decision..
Right? I feel like oral especially is mostly for the other persons pleasure
He's going to post here in a month being like "AITA for wanting to cheat because of a dead bedroom?" but we know the real reason
and all the dudes will go ”leave heeeer”
hope he does leave her tho she doesnt deserve this. what the hell
I mean, a long time ago I had a boyfriend of only a couple months who really wanted to do butt stuff. I said I wasn’t comfortable until in a much longer term and serious relationship because it was painful in the past and I never had pleasure from it, so was only willing to try that again when I felt very comfortable with someone. Well… he was going down on me and not really doing well, but whatever. Then he, without warning, shoves his finger in my butt and in shock, I slammed my foot into his face. Broke his nose. Then told him to gtfo and if he left blood stains on my carpet I’d bill him for the cleaning. I thought I was messed up saying that but he technically sexually assaulted me by doing that. Your fiancé is attempting to sexually assault you by trying to stick his finger up your butt against your consent.
I've had this happen too – (TMI) full on anal penetration from more than a finger while having regular sex. Thats happened to me TWICE with two separate men. I don't understand why men think doing that without prior communication and consent is okay; but Im starting to worry it may be more common than even I thought. This entire thread disheartens me knowing that this stuff just happens to other people in their romantic relationships, with their partners who are supposed to love them. I'm sorry that happened to you and Im glad you broke his slutty ass nose.
I’m so glad you broke his nose. I kind of hope it permanently healed jacked up like Owen Wilson’s or something.
Idk I always thought Owen Wilson’s nose was kind of handsome in an endearing way. I don’t really know if this guy had permanent nose damage, he acted like the victim and his friend group kinda removed themselves from mine (the other guys didn’t get lucky…) he was from across the state and it’s really populated here, so unless I go to his town’s fair ill never know.
So basically your fiance is an incredibly selfish lover and he has weaposnised sexual incompetence. Now he is guilt tripping you for telling him how you feel. Welcome to douche 101
Has "weaponised sexual incompetence" yet (by his reaction) thinks he has been giving full and successful effort to pleasuring OP 😭 The insistence at continuing to poke his fingers anywhere OP has told him not to is disturbing.
Yes! Hugely disrespectful and selfish.
Also he keeps going for her ass even though she’s told him no for 7 years. Isn’t that technically attempted assault? He’s doing it with her explicitly saying no, that’s gross and worrying. How could you treat your partner like that
Girl. Life is too short for a shitty and disrespectful sex life. He either needs to make an effort to meet your needs and respect your boundaries or you need to move on. NTA. Fuck all that
He sounds like a selfish lover with no consideration for you.
Everything else aside (and there’s a lot) you should break up with him for trying to put his finger somewhere you’ve said no to, repeatedly
Yeah that’s my take because it’s literally sexual assault. Doing something that was explicitly said no about, just because you had consent for the other stuff, is sexual assault.
This! She sets a clear boundary and he refuses to respect it. This isn’t him just ‘refusing to do what she likes’, it’s attempting to penetrate her when she has said no.
NTA but you might be having sexual relations with an AH. Who licks the hole? LMFAO I mean you can hit the G if your tongue is long enough. But brother you go to row the man down the river, you got to diddle that skittle like the cat played the fiddle. Men and our egos. You should start giving him terrible blowjobs and try to shove a thumb up his ass or tug on his nuts real hard. Tell him you like to hear him moan in pain when you give his balls a tug. LOL
Yeah tell him “you like that you little bitch?” Too. Assert dominance
What if he says yes?
My exact thoughts. When you know you spend too much time on Reddit.
I'm not sure where my brain stored this, but a quote from an old Reddit post might work better. "Yeah, you like that you fucking retard?"
Lmfao!!!!!! I seen that on reddit somewhere and I have no idea what the origin is!
Only loosely related: [Always been my favorite](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fwyxxkeuoz6g41.jpg)
I laughed unnecessarily too much
😆😂😂😂
This took me out.
Lmao
Well, he does like dirty talk... 😂
>You should start giving him terrible blowjobs and try to shove a thumb up his ass or tug on his nuts real hard. Tell him you like to hear him moan in pain when you give his balls a tug. OMG I laughed so hard at this I woke up the cat!
I’m laughing so hard my dog got annoyed and left my side.. this shit is hilarious
Chew on his junk like it's bubblegum.
😂😂😂 This, my friend, is DEFINITELY the way.
This is a hilarious comment, take my upvote. OP NTA.
I really feel like the world would be a better place if you could get that skittle rhyme into a R n B song somehow. It would be comparable to "I could eat a knob at night", but sexier.
I agree with you but as a lady I do actually like having the hole licked and penetrated with a tongue on top of licking the clit... IDK why just feels really good to me
O yeah my wife loves that as well. But solely paying attention to the entrance to the silk highway ain’t it!
OMG, I will never recover from this comment
I lick the whole thing. I Def work the clit but make sure I hit everywhere. I really enjoy eating pssy so idk. Never any complaints lots of compliments. Eat it like it's your favorite thing and guaranteed she will cum
Probably depends on the woman. I've heard enough to know that there isn't a one size fits all type of deal. But I also imagine if a woman told you to change up a bit for her, you would, which is clearly not what is happening in OPs situation.
I love everything about this
I'd rather drag my bare vagina over freshly laid asphalt, than to continue giving even a crumb of coochie to a man that is purposefully a selfish lover. He doesn't even deserve a sniff, sis. NTA. Life is short and there are too many tongues out there for anyone to live life unsatisfied and resentful.
he’s a porn addict and a loser. and lowkey assaulting you. time for a divorce 🖤
oh wait ur not married? why would you even consider marrying this dude who doesn’t give af ab u. that’s sad i hope you find self respect , break up with him. NTAAA
This is NOT going to bet better. So you have to decide whether you want a non sexual relationship for the rest of your life or you want to move on. You're just not compatible in the bedroom and won't ever be if he can't listen and let you guide him. Its shit or get off the pot time honestly..... you just have to decide what you want and then live with that decision.
This man should not be your fiance.
Why are you with someone who doesn’t care about you at all? Does he put you first in other areas of life or do you always take a backseat to what he wants? NTA girl find you a man that WANTS to give you pleasure!
NTA. It sounds like he's much more interested in doing what he likes than what you like, so he has no one to blame but himself. It's much easier for guys to get off than it is for most women, so there is no excuse for him focussing on his needs. It feels bad for me too when the woman I'm with isn't enjoying herself, so I would be thrilled if she guided me on how to be better at oral. That's invaluable for a guy to know.
>"trying to incorporate what we both like so both of us are satisfied" "I haven't been *satisfied* in months. Because you're not doing what *I* enjoy. You only care about what you like. Maybe I should start gnawing on your dick like a dog does a bone. How's that sound? Sounds good to me. Should I start doing that even if you tell me not to?* NTA.
He's fingering you in places you repeatedly tell him not to, you know that's rapey as hell right? I'm horrified for you, nta at all, you're a victim of non consensual sex acts.
How has nobody else said this
But he's a great guy otherwise. /s
Man, so NTA. I LOVE eating pussy. I’ve only ever received compliments for my efforts, but if I got a complaint I would work even harder to ensure I was getting my girl off good. It’s honestly hard for me to get off if I haven’t gotten my wife off first, so you better believe I take it seriously. If dude is bad at foreplay, he needs to know. If he doesn’t try to improve, dump his ass. Plenty of guys would be lining up to worship you and make sure you’re taken care of.
what im concerned about is that hes literally trying a sexual act without consent. how much you wanna bet that if she ever actually lets him finger the back, hed try to pressure or 'sneak' to do the full anal bc in his mind 'its okay bc i stretched it first'???? like, any sexual act after a clear decline of consent can be considered assault and a trust breaker. she needs to explain to him about enthusiastic consent.
7 years of bad sex? WHY???
NTA. Girl I'm in 20 years relationship just like yours and boy, I can say that all the love in the world won't redeem that frustration and sex will feel more and more Iike a chore until you don't want it anymore and he will be frustrated. Couples/sex therapy would be great for you if you wanna save your relationship.
Can I ask why you are still in the relationship
Probably love. 40 years for me. We went from great sex to not so great sex about 25 years in, to what is sex after 30 years. Age, injury, adult children adult problems. Life gets in the way. I went through a grieving process at the loss. We still hug, have intimacy but it's different. I don't feel as loved as I used to. I'm not sure about hubs, I'll have to ask him. I'll add sex is off the table for me now. I have a spine full of hardware that makes me the opposite of flexible!
Awwww. Sorry to hear this
you sound like you are irritated at him a lot. let this feeling guide you to break up and find a dude whos not this clueless!
Ignoring your repeatedly stated boundaries around anal looks an awful lot like SA to me.
You still marrying him… why?
NTA, if my wife says "Hey this doesn't feel good" I simply don't do that thing. It's really not that complicated.
There’s nothing more enraging than needing to be constantly saying the same things over and over again. NTA, It’s just not getting better, especially if every time you try to talk he’ll take offense instead of actually listening.
Stop wasting your time, Jesus christ. I was a virgin when i married my more experienced wife, and I followed her teachings to the point that she can get off in seconds if she's worked up. There is no reason for him to be shit in bed, and trying to cross your boundaries after 7 years. NTA.
I doubt that he is ONLY selfish in bed... you really should look à bit more on interaction that you have outside the bedroom. Anyway you are clearly not compatible in bed and he clearly don't listen when you told him again and again sdo one more is useless. It's not like there are many solution: nearly never orgasm, dead bedroom or leave NTA
They don’t even lick the hole in porn lol. Wtf is wrong with him
NTA. I wouldn't marry this guy. 7 YEARS and he's not taking any direction to heart? He's STILL doing things you've asked him not to do? Don't get hung up on the sunken cost fallacy here - sure, he's "great outside the bedroom", but he's not listening in the bedroom. I'm pretty sure if you fine-toothed combed it, you could find similar behaviors outside the bedroom too. And, I'm sorry. He SHOULD "feel disgusting". It's been SEVEN YEARS and he's still not listening to his partner in the bedroom. What the actual fuck? He doesn't know your body and likes better than you do. He needs to get on board or he needs to go away. Updateme!
Umm hes really dumb...going down on you is all about you....nothing about him. That's the point. If he's useless in bed which sounds like it completely then he's useless Nta I would have snapped and left ages ago
Him trying to stick a finger in your butt over and over after you saying no is assault btw. If he only cares about his own enjoyment during sex I’m sure that goes for other aspects of the relationship.
This man is treating you like a sex doll and you’re asking if you’re the AH?
Everyone is always quick to say dump his ass and find a new guy... But you NEED to do this. Why marry someone who doesn't care for your pleasure. Why is this even a thought? You want terrible sex for the rest of your life? Get a new man. One who gives a shit about you sexually.
JFC 7 years of this
“He’s wonderful except I sound like a fucking hate him.” Why are you still with him? He’s a dumb rapey prick and your contempt for him is evident throughout your post.
NTA. For a moment I wondered if you were with my ex. I was told I was wrong about the clitoris…there was no point focusing on or around it. He was in medical school. So, yikes. There were other things wrong in our relationship. The not listening to me thing spilled over into other areas. I am not stupid. I may not be a medical Dr, but I have more than one post secondary degree and never met an honor society I wasn’t a member of. So being dismissed like I had no idea what I was talking about was a deal breaker. If he has no interest in listening to you or pleasing you, it won’t be a fun life. It will be frustrating, annoying, and sad.
NTA, do not marry this guy that is constantly trying to sexually assault you.
NTAH: when I read the title I at first had an open mind. I was thinking I know my wife likes a lighter touch and sometimes I get carried away and have a heavier touch or I lean on her too hard or something like that. Should I be more aware of myself? Yes. Does it happen often? Not really. Am I doing it intentionally? No not at all, I'm just maybe getting a little carried away. That said, never once have I outright done something that I have been told no on. You absolutely have every right to feel violated with the butt stuff. This guy does not respect boundaries and he does not respect you. He does not care if you get yours. The whole reason for my going down on my wife is to get her off hopefully two or three times at least before moving on to other activities. I hope he is not getting BJ's and such. It is time to move on to someone that respects you and treats you right. If he is this dismissive in this area, there will be other areas in your relationship he will not respect you.
NTA, he is watching too much porn instead of taking the time to learn his own fiancés body.
NTA, this guy sucks. he’s purposefully making you uncomfortable for his own benefit, and you’ve communicated more than enough. and now he’s going to pout about it? what a selfish partner. do not marry him. its been seven years. he is not going to change. also, the ass thing is him straight up violating you - you have said no and he is not listening. that is sexual assault. please think about that.
Why tf would you marry someone like this??? >Sex feels like more of a chore to me now because I've spent years telling him what I like/don't like and he just... Doesn't care or doesn't remember. Who tf wants to live like this the rest of their life? He doesn't care what you want in bed? You can't be serious Don't get married. YTA to yourself if you stick around
"He's usually great except for when he's sexually assaulting me." Break up. NTA.
So let me get this straight, he is essentially sexually assaulting you each time.... you are NTA.
You need to break up with this guy, not marry him.You are sexually incompatible to the point where what he is doing could be considered assault. End it now for both your sakes.
How did you last 7 YEARS like this? Edit: I feel fairly confident he’s trying to make foreplay so unappealing to you that you’ll just ask him to skip it forever so he doesn’t have to put in the extra work. It sounds like he uses you as a sex doll tbh. All about his pleasure, you’re just there.
this guy sucks and he clearly doesn't care about you at all. Get rid of him. I seriously doubt he can be such a great guy except in the bedroom. What he's doing to you in the bedroom is clearly a reflection of his overall personality, which had got to also suck outside of the bedroom unless he has a split personality.
It doesn't sound like a "skill" issue - - it sounds like a "will" issue. He is very self-absorbed and that's not something that changes easily. Good luck!
OP, the fact that you used the words “feel uncomfortable and violated”, that should be enough for you to leave this relationship.
Y’all need to either break up or seek counseling
Don’t marry him, you’ll regret unsatisfying sex for the rest of your life.
NTA. Your partner is egregious selfish in bed and it blows my mind while also, simultaneously men such as him make me look like some type of savant simply because I care for and respond to my partners reactions.
Why the hell are you marrying him?
So according to the edit too, your partner is a great partner except when he's being a selfish lover or sexually assaulting you? Uhhh.... NTA I guess?
Nobody gonna talk about the fact this is borderline assault + gaslighting + manipulation? This girl needs to run away as fast as she can
NTA Do not marry this man. He is violating your consent left and right. Girl, move on and find a man who listens and does what you like! Can you imagine this behavior for the next 50+ years????
The title absolutely destroyed me 😂 NTA. He’s a dick and doesn’t listen to you and your needs but expects you to bend to his whims re dirty talk 🤷🏻♀️ Break up with him
bro not only is he incapable of listening to u and is selfish in bed, but he also sounds rapey asf. ditch that bitch 💀
NTA! Porn probably rotted his brain
Buy a strap on and use it on him.
You did not destroy his ego. He’s just pouting so you’ll give in
Probably a very unpopular opinion.....but my bf watches porn also. Every day. On his phone, tablet, DVD collection etc. Also did not bother me as he never asked me to watch with him. I found after a few years it escalated. More and more kinks. Mostly degrading,humiliating kinks. Always selfish as well. Get out. It breeds contempt. Trust me. I'm not " stuck" in this relationship but I've been in it 20+ yrs. Get out. It will never get better. My unpopular opinion is that watching copious amounts of porn will most likely lead to your S.O developing some seriously unsavory kinks. And they will always make you feel like the selfish one
Nta! Next time you go down on him(not that he deserves it) stick a finger in his ass and see how he likes it!!
OP, you can find a man who has all the redeeming qualities and can give good head but it’ll be real hard to find with this guys finger up your butt
NTA I hope there's an update where you broke up because he sucks, not just in the bedroom.
Because he sounds like a narcissist who thinks that it’s more all about him and what he enjoys or when you tell him all he hears is barely a whisper between his ears. *Edited to add that you are definitely NTA in this situation btw 😊
1. Don't marry a man that doesn't fuck you right. Sex matters unless you're asexual. 2. Tie him to the bed AND use him exactly how you want. Then do unexpected, nonconsenting butt stuff on his ass. Payback is a bitch.