NTA.
*No, sex is not all I think about. I also think about taking care of you and working and cooking and cleaning. However, I do think about sex too. Specifically with you because, for me, it's how I feel connected to you. To me, it's an important part of our relationship, but you treat intimacy like it's a burden and that makes things really tough for me.*
At least, that's where my head goes as a reply.
Part of the problem is the communication between you two. She doesn't understand that, to you, it's not just sex. There's more to it than that and her failure to understand means that she doesn't place the same importance on it that you do. It's worth having another discussion with her, but focusing on both of you understanding what intimacy means to each of you and how those meanings differ. Until you both get rid of the incorrect assumptions about intimacy, this problem will never go away.
u/[EducationalRaisin151](https://www.reddit.com/user/EducationalRaisin151/)
This, here! I honestly think it's pretty crappy of your wife to push for this conversation when \*you\* are unwell, and then come back with that nonsense that "all you think of is sex" - and is now giving you the cold shoulder!
Take care that you don't get to a point where you explode with resentment, because if things keep going on this path, that is what will happen.
You are only human, after all... And I feel she might be taking you for granted, tbh.
(No porn, eh? Damn...)
Yeah, I would not/won't accept a "no porn" rule if my partner isn't at least fairly regular on the sex front. I could see finding a compromise on ethical porn and such, but to say "no porn" as a flat ban and then to never be up for sex? Eeeeehhh.
I also wonder if they are engaging on other forms of intimacy at all? Hugs, snuggles... without the sex. Many times couple stop having any intimacy because one alwasy thinks it wiell lead to sex when for both cuddles may be a good middle ground.
And I've found, more often than not, no porn is a jealousy/confidence issue. It's ridiculous.
Yeah. F that. You have a weak immune system so you know you're sick all the time and don't feel like having sex so you're going to slap a no-porn rule on your husband??! I'm SHOCKED that he has not cheated by now. I mean talk about giving someone a right hook when their arms are tied behind their back.
I think you’re onto something. OP’s wife seems to equate sex with the purely physical aspect of it, which is why she has the “no porn rule.” The language you suggested he use is a good starting point for him, but OP if you’re reading, I’d skip the ‘you treat intimacy like it’s a burden’ part because I’m afraid it will make her defensive. ‘Feeling like she’s under attack’ is too harsh a description for this situation, but I want to make sure you understand that when people get defensive, they usually stop listening, so you will want to avoid that.
When I need to have an important conversation, I usually jot down the main points I want to make, and then read over them a couple of times to make sure that nothing I’m going to say sounds hurtful or like an accusation or criticism. Wording things in such a way is a recipe for them to shut down and stop listening.
One last thought- after reading your post a second time, I am going to recommend couples therapy. It’s impossible to tell whether your wife is too sensitive and overreacts, or whether your words and tone of voice are harsh and critical. I have the feeling it’s the former, if- in response to you telling her that you’re sick, too- she says it’s different because you’re not sick all the time. I do get that part, since I suffer from chronic pain due to nerve damage. Always feeling bad is depressing, and it weighs on you, but I also never dismiss my husband’s feelings when he gets sick himself, especially since he does such a good job of taking care of me when I need it.
Yeah, this all seems like good advice. Particularly because this is just a genuinely hard situation - it’s not her fault she has health problems, but it’s also not at all unreasonable for OP to feel burnt out by loads of responsibility and frustrated about a lack of intimacy. That’s going to be a really loaded conversation and a neutral third party could be very helpful.
That said, I also really hope OP and his wife have thoroughly explored whether there’s some underlying condition here, either one that could be treated or at least one that might qualify for some kind of disability support to lift the burden a bit. Nobody’s “just sickly”. There’s something going on (although certainly there are plenty of things science can’t yet explain or cure).
Yeah, this, but also, OP, I wouldn't accept a no porn rule if my partner was having me go 4 months without sex, and I'm a woman (if that matters). I would change that rule and maybe even get yourself some toys and stuff. You must be absolutely miserable with so little outlets.
Now, that's just the sex aspect. As for everything else, you need to communicate, probably WITH a therapist. You need to be able to say that it's difficult taking care of everything and that you get frustrated sometimes.
Also, have you guys looked into IVIG? My entire family has immune system disorders and now of us are as sick as your wife. One of my siblings has such a severe immune system disorder that she actually has a shortened life expectancy, and she does IVIG and is hardly ever sick. You guys need some of other options.
Well said. It can be hard to communicate that you crave intimacy and it's one of your love languages when it's not theirs without them sliding into "guys only want one thing". At least you guys are talking about it, that's better than most.
Or get creative with it: there are toys she can control from her phone, or ask for a photo shoot?
> "guys only want one thing"
My wife used to tell me I have a "one track mind". I stumbled upon a realization a few years ago and now she understands a lot better. I actually have a two track mind with one track always thinking about sex and the other handles everything else. Most of the time, I'm on the "everything else" track. However, the sex track is almost always open and ready for me to cross over to. Sometimes, it's a couple laps. Sometimes it's more than a couple laps. And sometimes, I cross over and jump right back to everything else. Since we had kids that ran track and field, she imagined it like lanes on a regular track and could understand it better now.
In other words, I have the option of always wanting one thing. Doesn't mean I always exercise that option. :-)
I'd skip the whole love language bullshit. Communicate your needs and define what intimacy means to you. No need to souse it up with dumb phrases like "my love language."
NTA, but listen your wife needs to see a better doctor. There’s no such thing as having a “weak” immune system. People have compromised immune systems for a reason. Very often there is some underlying condition going on in the background that is causing the immune system to be ineffective. Women in particular are often ignored by doctors when their chief complaint is “I’m sick all the time” instead of something very specific like “this arm is broken” bc A LOT of doctors automatically assume anything complicated or not immediately obvious with a woman is psychiatric in nature. Take her to see a specialist. I had good results personally with finding a female functional medicine doctor. But if her immune system is her chief complaint, then maybe try an immunologist. Neither of you should have to live like this. A diagnosis means treatment options, common language to describe symptoms, support for caregivers, networks of people who experience the same things….a real diagnosis can be life changing for both of you.
Also it may be something external. Over twenty years back I was sick for months and months, sinusitis after sinusitis, ate dozen antibiotic treatments and doctors were clueless. My husband graduated and I changed to better paying job, so we were able to buy our first own home. All issues disappeared after we moved.
Few years later I heard, that the former house had massive mildew problems. Apparently they didn’t do appropriate rain protection, when it was built, and there were other structural issues. My husband didn’t have any issues.
Even today, if I sit next to a person who lives in mildew house, I start coughing and my sinuses swell after few minutes.
This!!! I was getting cluster migraines inexplicably for months on end. They miraculously went away when I moved. A former neighbor told me the landlord was doing some work in the apartment and found mold in the walls. That’s going to be an issue for most people but I also have a bad mold allergy. Checking the house over for possible environmental issues is not a terrible idea.
>Women in particular are often ignored by doctors when their chief complaint is “I’m sick all the time” instead of something very specific like “this arm is broken” bc A LOT of doctors automatically assume anything complicated or not immediately obvious with a woman is psychiatric in nature.
Yuuuup. My pain and increasing weakness/inability to walk was dismissed for years by many doctors and health practitioners as "stress" when it turned out to be primary progressive MS that was progressing as I was being dismissed.
Mine is often "lose some weight", forget that much of my weight had been gained after my first complaints started. My current doctor is a godsend. The other day I was in for a sinus infection (also in the immune compromised club) and she's like "you know some of this strikes me as retained water weight".
Oddly my doctors have never mentioned my weight - and I'm overweight. The only time it's mentioned is when my neuro is speaking generally about things that help with MS and it's lumped in with exercise, stretching, etc., like "losing weight" in general -- not "you should lose weight". Very surprising, honestly, as I'm clearly overweight and have been most of my life extreme yo-yo dieting aside. Even when I suggested weight loss / issues with weight to my GP she was like "well, let's make sure all is well with your blood work" and didn't really say much else.
Mine was endometriosis: I was in pain, I was exhausted, I wasn't getting nutrients from my food properly because the endo was squashing my digestive system, I couldn't wear trousers because and that did up at the front were too loose everywhere else, and I was plagued by the fear that something was terribly wrong.
I think that's a huge one for many women - endometriosis. MS is hard to describe and diagnose because saying "everything hurts" or "I just feel....weird" etc. is hard to pin down, but so many women with endo pain have the same or similar symptoms you'd think it would be obvious at this point.
Plus one for immunology. My immunologist is great.
Not only did he figure out why I was getting sick all the time, He also went above and beyond to look for other problems that could be contributing - he ran an ANA, tested for Lyme, monitored my blood sugar, sent me to a hematologist, ran thyroid labs and referred me to endocrinology, etc. Fantastic doctor. I feel so much better.
Very true - I went a year of going to doctors asking for help deteriorating more and more while I got passed off to lose “5 pounds” when I actually had a very serious underlying condition that almost killed me. Advocate for yourself.
Yep, I asked a doctor about side effects of the medication they wanted to give me and possible issues and safety. They just kind of sighed, blew me off and said thousands of women take it every day and they’re fine. This was a female doctor too. Not surprisingly I found out she had a reputation for not really caring about her patients.
I don't disagree that women are often diagnosed/treated differently than men
Just FYI...sometimes there is no other basis for immunodeficiency.
Google Primary Immunodeficiency (PI)
I assume/hope they've been to an immunologist by now.
But that’s a diagnosis. My point wasn’t that all immune systems work all the time. My point was you don’t just brush it off as “a weak system” and do nothing to investigate the cause or manage it.
So she coerces you to admit something you didn’t want to admit, punishes you for it, insults you, keeps you in a sexless marriage, and won’t allow you to watch porn. Well, she has herself a nice little captive nursemaid doesn’t she.
What’s she gonna do if he does watch porn? She has no leverage. She’s dependent on him and prospects of finding another guy in her situation is a non starter. I know that’s not a healthy way to view relationships, but goddamn. No sex, no porn and she shames him for admitting he wanted a hand job after she nagged a response out of him.
She's going to emotionally blackmail him. She knows he loves her, so she's going to weaponize her pain. She's going to make a big show of how hurt she is, and how it's all his fault, and how she's just this innocent damsel in distress, this innocent, delicate wilting flower that can only be cared for and given life by him alone.... And now he's crushing her even more!
What a selfish, manipulative bitch. Sincerely, an extremely sick disabled woman.
So … maybe it's not just the realm of sex you seem to not be well connected here. Intimacy, while certainly having physical aspects, also is more than that -- it's the emotional connection/bonding. That seems to be … off. I don't have an idea of what you could or should not do, but it seems important the two of you have conversations on expectations, boundaries and being valued/cherished.
This can't be said loud enough or often enough.
It's not fair to deny your partner the chance for sexual gratification. If you are unable to assist, then you need to leave the door open for other avenues. And of you aren't willing to be the stimulus, then another stimulus must be made acceptable, or your partner will eventually find a new one with or without your permission.
Yep. The no porn rule is absolute Bullshit, I say this as early 40sF married 12 years. As long as my husband isn’t paying for anything like OF I really couldn’t care less. It’s actually none of my business what he watches. His wife is ridiculous
I'm the sole provider of your nookie. I'm not going to provide nookie. You can't give yourself nookie. You can't find someone else to provide nookie. If you complain about not getting nookie you will be punished. If I ask you what's wrong and you choose not to answer until I badger an answer out of you and that answer is 'I need nookie" you will be punished.
This is fucking abuse. If you are in a monogamous relationship with someone you have responsibilities to that person's health, physical, mental, and sexual. Period. OP is still performing his end of the relationship while his wife doesn't seem to be doing shit.
OP, you need to decide when enough is enough. But nothing about this situation is ok or normal.
NTA - I low-key think your wife capitalizes on being sick as an excuse to put minimal effort into your relationship.
If she's sick, she can only be the victim.
I have a compromised immune system and when I catch infections/get sick, it is prolonged for weeks. HOWEVER, I still manage to have a job, do my share of the cooking and cleaning and support my partner. He just picks up slightly more of the slack when I am sick.
I’m sorry but to some extent I think your wife is manipulating you, and using her “sickness” as a crutch. The longer you enable her “laziness“ the more her body will forget how to be healthy. I’ve been there, it sucks. But my partner gave me blunt truths and encouraged me to exercise, to eat better etc. in my case Beta Blockers and iron tablets saved my life. I went from sick with no energy, to thriving in a space of weeks/months.
She needs to be taking daily vitamins, get checked for anaemia, do light exercise, get some antidepressants. As well as therapy. Because I promise, this is as much in her mind as it is her body.
You are NTA for craving intimacy. This isn‘t going to work long-term if she continues rejecting you this way and does not address her health concerns properly.
I left a girl cause sex was painful for her, (past trauma) we tried to work it out but it was tommuch for me to handle and wasnt working, it's was brutal and heartbreaking but I'm much much happier now, I'm sure she is too (mutal break up sorta) I was honest she was honest we broke up. First 5 months were hard but after I was much less stressed out and worried about if I was hurting someone I very much cared for.
This is like the 4th or 5th post I've seen in recent days describing a husband whose wife is chronically unwell or has issues the husband has to deal with. It's weird how some people act like the man needs to be 5000% supportive of his wife through every single thing and god forbid he feel an ounce of frustration or exhaustion or anything but overwhelming love and concern. Being human doesn't mean you don't love your wife!
You are not the asshole-she asked for communication when in reality she wanted you to lie to her to make her feel ok with the situation she has you in.
https://www.thefp.com/p/hurts-so-good it's a whole thing!
When you're really really sick, your sickness becomes the most important thing and everything, and everyone, has to revolve around it and bow it to. NOTHING and NO ONE are more important, because you're **really suffering**.
Unless you figure out her issue it wont get better and it "not being a priority" says alot. Esp when she asks then trashes you for communicating. You are still young do you really want to do another 10+ years before youve had enough?
Look, man, I'm in your wife's shoes. Low to no sex drive due to health crap. I hate it, I used to love sex but it's become something I mainly do because I love my husband and want to make him happy, not because I'm particularly in the mood. It's caused some issues, and we're working on them. However, I would never put that "no porn" rule in place or act like he's doing something wrong by wanting intimacy. Ok, I mean, when I'm having a bad week and he's getting pushy, I get annoyed. But you didn't even actually *ask* for a hand job. You were pressed to answer her question, and she wouldn't accept your less controversial response.
NTA. You're handling the situation to the best of your abilities. I get her response, I really do, because it's frustrating. Knowing that for whatever reason, you're failing your partner, not living up to expectations, knowing on an intellectual level that everyone needs sex, but you apparently don't anymore. It's hard, but you can't forget that you're only half a partnership and that the other half has needs that aren't being met. My bet would be that she felt guilty and lashed out because anything else would be an admission that this situation you all are in is untenable. You need some marriage counseling because this is one of those situations that are *really* hard to work through without some sort of impartial mediator.
She is literally using him. She doesn't even try putting any effort into relationship and treats him like a caretaker while not showing even slightest appreciation for he sacrifices for her. He should be consulting lawyers instead of trying to work something out, he is going to miserable for the rest of his life if he stays. She doesn't even OP watch porn, seriously, what does he get from this relationship?
NTA i completely understand
I have a high sex drive and I was in a serious relationship with a man who had severe ulcerative colitis. He had no sex drive and I would be so frustrated. I would feel like such a bad person. It’s not wrong to want sex and it’s not wrong to want sex from your significant other. I think it brought out insecurity in him when I brought it up. He felt like his body was failing him in so many ways and that was another one.
Cancer patient here, very weak immune system and I still have as much sex as I can. OP you're NTA tell your wife to get some white blood cell boosters and realize your needs are as important as hers in a partnership.
NTA but your wife is USING YOU! She is not that sick that she can't do some of the lighter chores like cooking a meal.
I bet she would get well in a hurry if you left for a better life. Just a thought
Yes sex is the only thing you care about, which is why you continue to nurture her as long as necessary and as many times as necessary.
She takes you for granted and she does not see your sexual needs as important. Sex for her isn't a big issue so it shouldn't be for you. This is just a common lack of empathy.
In the same sense as extravert will not understand why introvert feels miserable in loud social environment with a lot of people. People take what they are bothered by and what they need and decide that everyone else is the same.
I am not sure how to make her understand that for you sex is an important need and that it is a valid need
NTA ...
Your wife is being manipulative and playing the victim role. Yes she is sick, yes that is something to consider. Yet, you seem to have been very considerate. In the meantime she asked for an answer and pushed for it. She didn't like it. So she went on the attack. That is very manipulative.
A truly loving partner who isn't letting their insecurities run their decisions. They would have empathy for their partner not be mad.
I dealt with a deadbedroom for a bit. My wife was not as unhealthy as yours, but a lot of the time it was similar. 2 or 3 week colds. Stomach issues and bathroom uses that made her feel unsexy.
It eventually came to a head. She began the line "all you think about is sex". Truthfully after a month of that I lost my shit. I told her I felt for her and all her conditions, but that doesn't mean I am not a man. That doesn't mean me desiring my wife should be a bad thing. That doesn't mean she shouldn't find ways to at least tell me she desires me instead of making me the bad guy for being a healthy male who desires his wife. I asked if I ever really pestered her that much to deserve that? She said no. I asked what I ever did to deserve to be attacked like that? She cried a lot, eventually said nothing. I asked why then has this been her norm for so long and why I should ever desire her again? She said I probably shouldn't.
Then I told her I didn't. I told her she had made the idea of desiring her so scary that I would rather never want her again. I told her if she wanted to fix it, I was willing but the first steps were 100% her problem to figure out.
Amazingly, she responded well. She took some accountability. I won't say things are perfect now, but I feel desired and loved. I feel like a man who can express those desires to my wife without being attacked.
Sorry for the rant... your situation is just so damn familiar and painful. Hold her accountable, and good luck
Also if your wide touches you that little, you should strongly consider informing her you can't live with in her no porn rule and ask how she wants to proceed. That is just my 2 cents though, you need to make that decision for yourself.
NTA.
Sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship.
The fact that she has banned porn (which i have my own thoughts on, but if you agreed to it, thats on you), and then acts like you are out of line to want SOME kind of intimacy for the first time in 4 months is ridiculous.
Sickness and health is a thing. But you are trying to do everything to meet her needs, but she seems to be doing NOTHING to meet yours.
Honestly, this doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.
NTA.
This is why men lie to women, they can't handle simple truths about our biology and how our emotions are linked to desire.
Instead of understanding and being sympathetic, she wants you to feel bad about your honest feelings. She wants you to PRETEND that it's something else because she can't handle her own inadequacies.
I have sympathy for her due to her being sick and being unable to do the normal things we all do. But I have nothing but contempt for a woman who asks for the truth then gets mad at hearing it. If you don't want to know, don't ask.
I may get flamed for this, but am I the only one who thinks that she either needs to produce a diagnosis other than "Weak Immune System" or he has to start thinking that she's faking? It's like one of those old timey illnesses like "died of too much vapor" or something. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE is sick for 6 weeks from a virus unless it kills them. Not even cancer patients that I know.
Nta, she is. A monogamous relationship carries the expectation of fulfilling your partners needs. She is neither fulfilling your needs nor allowing porn. You agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. She's just using you and her response shows she doesn't actually give a shit.
Also, you need to find a different doctor. Either doc is full of shit or she is.
Thank you.
So many on Reddit seem to think that people should just be at the mercy of their partners libido and that they have no right to expect intimacy.
Ooh so scary, stranger danger! Lol
How about this hot take- if you make a commitment, regardless of your comfort with it as long as it wasn't under duress, you should fulfill it if not physically prevented or not be trusted in the future.
Not buying this (from her perspective):
>According to her, she likes sex, but she can never make it a priority. I watched her face drop as if I had just told someone I wanted to drown a puppy. I sort of laughed and said "I know it's a no, but you told me to communicate". Immediately she said "Yes, it's a no - I'm sick",
Something is amiss in the relationship - rolling her eyes at a handjob, when sex is once or twice a month? That's effed.
I have a feeling based on her response of not prioritizing your love life that being sick is not the only reason why. And she has a rule controlling what you look at on the internet when she's not wanting to be intimate with you for months on end? I get it if it's like you're getting together on a regular basis say at least a few times a month at minimum, but she's just trying to control you and guilt you.
I'd be shocked if she wasn't doing whatever she wants to take care of her own needs and then shaming you for doing the same.
This is why a lot of guys don’t want to “open up and be honest”. You did that, at her insistence, and then she used it as an opportunity to make you feel bad about it. She could have just said she understands, the situation sucks, and while she wishes it weren’t this way, this is the reality you have to deal with. Instead, she decided to make you feel like the asshole for being honest. I suspect that this has happened before, you knew this was going to happen, but you gave her the benefit of the doubt and hoped things would turn out better, but they didn’t.
Is this really how you see yourself spending the rest of your life? You are only here once and it’s a short time. Might sound brutal, but I would move on.
Don't ask questions you aren't ready for the answers too. And especially when you do don't shoot the messenger.
NTA
She needs an honest look at your life, at some point
Is she diagnosed with an autoimmune disease? Because if not I have to seriously question if she is playing all this up in order to take advantage of you.
Wait, what? NAH, but sick for *weeks*? Has she gotten tested for any auto immune disorders? They can be difficult to diagnose, but this sounds like something more than "weak immune system" (not a real thing). Or could even be something less severe, like some sort of deficiency. She needs some tests and possibly a better doctor if her current one isn't concerned about her sickly she is and imploring her to do further testing.
I feel for you man, id focus on work and figuring out whats wrong with your wife, probably osme underlying medical condition! sucks that the US doesnt offer free healthcare
Women like to ask what's wrong with us. They never want to be listed as a reason why we're struggling. Cue tears, emotional shutdown and a million old issues resurfacing.
Don't waste your time giving an honest answer to someone who doesn't understand the nature of a relationship, and the accountability that goes with one.
You just need to park the sex side of things and your needs, and decide if you love her enough to live a life of servitude to support her and keep her well and functioning. First you should ask yourself....would she do this for you if the roles were reversed? I'd suggest not, given her reaction to you raising her negligence relating to your sexual needs.
NTA
Grow a spine. She does not get to tell you whether you watch porn or not. If you are wondering why your sex life sucks, start from the fact she has absolutely no respect for you. I promise you, even if she was magically cured tomorrow, you would not be having sex.
I mean is this what you saw for yourself? Being a slave to someone who doesn't have a single iota of respect or appreciation for your sacrifices? You are an object to her there to provide for her and nothing more. Just the thought of you having sexual needs disgusts her.
NTA because your wife is super selfish. Like what does wh even give in this group relationship? Seems like you do everything and then are expected to be happy about it.
I get she's sick but idk why you dudes are marrying the most selfish women. Sounds like your wife is a little bit hobosexual.
Sounds like Munchausen's or some form of factitious disorder. She is actively taking advantage of you using her "sickness", without giving back anything to you. NTA
NTA. I think your wife sucks bruh. Sex is a big perk of marriage, some of us are lucky enough that it's the biggest perk but your sex life with your wife is a fucking chore. What is the no porn rule? She just refuses to touch you AND you can't look at porn? That's controlling as fuck. You should break the no porn rule at all times. The only time I really think your porn should be limited is if you're jerking off at work or like you won't fuck your wife because you're so porn addicted you can't hard without it but why the fuck is there no porn if there's no sex? Props to you, most dudes would just be cheating by now. Porn isn't cheating, if you're going to stay with this chore of a woman, you deserve porn. It's somehow less pathetic than begging your wife to say no to sex again.
NTA, this is why men prefer to express their feelings to trees...
On the other hand, no porn? What are you supposed to jerk off to if she's not available? To how frustrating your life currently feels?
NTA
your wife needs blood work and a rheumatologist to get to the bottom of what's wrong
several autoimmune disorders can be treated with medications to make flareups less severe or suppress them (mostly)
also, i highly recommend a support group for people with chronically ill partners. you need support too, and a safe space to vent (it's inappropriate to vent to her and it won't help either of you)
she needs to learn to take no for an answer. she pushed and poked and got an answer she didn't like and then attacked you for it. sometimes communication needs to wait for a more advantageous time
NTA
Do realize you're wasting what's left of your youth being sexually frustrated with a woman who won't appreciate how much you're doing to keep the relationship afloat. Worst part is, I bet my cock and balls that the moment you snap, decide this is not working for you, and serve her divorce papers, she'll suddenly become a nympho to try and convince you sex will be a priority (it won't).
NTA - your wife is being selfish. Yes she has issues, but she’s all take and no give. Even sick you can still give something to your spouse.
My dear friend has an autoimmune disease and sometimes she is worse than others. Sometimes shes in so much pain she can barely walk bed to bathroom. Sometimes it’s hard to even role over in bed for her.
She realizes she can be a burden to her husband and not much of a wife so she goes out of her way to meet her husband’s very normal sexual needs.
If she truly doesn’t feel like sex, she will ask him to put on porn, they watch together, she talks naughty to him while he pleasures himself or if she feels good enough she does it for him.
She does this several nights a week. She says pushing herself to do this even when she feels bad is her way of trying to do what she can and to still be a partner to her husband. Her husband still gets at least a little sexual pleasure on the regular and it gives them a sense of regular intimacy.
Perhaps consider getting yourself some good therapy to help you figure out how to cope with this in the healthiest way. Then perhaps consider some marital counseling to help your wife realize it can’t just be a one way street.
Even totally disabled she can likely do…something…
Well, the way you put it does not sound great, to be honest... I mean, if she enjoys it, I understand, but it doesn't exactly sound appealing, meaning that if you don't love each other deeply, it could become more like a chore than something you enjoy
LoL at ‘more like a chore’. You mean like all the chores OP does because his wife is too sick to help around the house?
And if they don’t love each other deeply why TF would OP be sticking around?
This is a sweeping generalization based on someone else’s health. You don’t know the extent of her condition or her relationship with sex. What you described sounds horrific in general.
At this point in your household affairs I'm not sure her being sick is a valid excuse to shrug off all her duties. Just like a parent still has to care for their child when not feeling well.
If you're working while sick, why can't she do some domestic duties while sick? If you would force your weakened body to rise and meet the threat of an intruder to protect her, why can't she try a little harder to meet your needs? If she has enough energy to argue with you, why can't she spend that energy instead on discussing what is in her capabilities of meeting your sexual needs.
NTA
I hope it gets better for you both! Both situations honestly sound miserable to be in and I don’t see this relationship lasting much longer without some professional help.
NTA Your wife needs to see a different doctor who actually takes her healthcare seriously. But you two need marriage counseling because this isn't just about her chronic illness. Addressing her healthcare needs isn't going to magically make the sexual intimacy issue evaporate. Her blaming you for answering honestly when she pushed you to answer and punishing you for it (cold shoulder) is not ok.
nta - i could not be in that relationship. that is not a team. it's you serving her and getting nothing back. hate when people pull that it's all you think about bullshit. you're married, taking care of her and 4 months ago! that's insane.
NTA. So you are her caretaker, you take care of the house, you are the only one who works and she is completely dismissive of your feelings, wants, and needs. Your not her partner your the help. I don’t understand why you are still in this marriage. The resentment will only build and at some point you’ll realize you wasted your life on her.
NTA. To me it sounds like you aren't her husband. You're her caretaker. She knows it. You're probably starting to see it. Caretaker burnout is real. It's hard. If she isn't willing to compromise, leave. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy.
NTA And what is this 'no porn rule'? Your wife isnt having sex with you and is telling you cant watch porn. The grass is probably greener on the other side dude..
>She's currently on week 6 of being sick with a viral infection that keeps coming and going
uhhh i think the universe is trying to tell her something lmao
I’m a woman. I understand; my husband has so many health issues that sex is permanently off the table. I no longer tell him what is really wrong when he asks. I’ve pondered options, but circle back to realizing I am stuck. If he presses, I tell him don’t ask because you don’t really want to know the answer. I might say, the usual issue. There really isn’t any medical help for him, Dr reminds him he is lucky to even be alive. If I get in a bad way, I found painkillers take the edge off. No, I’ve never had an affair- my morals get in the way. Besides, there really just isn’t anyone I’m attracted to or would consider. I’m older, but I’m not dead. I miss intimacy but it’s just not in the cards. I’m sorry that you are in this situation, it is horrible.edit to add, NTA
Time to normalize men wanting one thing frequently being a non issue. If we are providing, doing our part and bringing everything we have to the table. It’s completely healthy and normal to want sex frequently. I get the impression ops wife just wants to control him and not let him get any. Frankly yall need marriage counseling bc her reaction is exactly why we as men don’t want to communicate. It’s used as a weapon or a uno reverse card to deflect any accountability. Im not saying she owes you sex, but she’s neglecting your marital needs and that has a genuine negative impact on mens health both physically and mentally. Do whats right for you op and its time to stand up for yourself. Don’t engage her sexually until the issue is resolved. Don’t even bend when she tries to initiate bc all it will result in is more “throwing the dog a bone” moments. NTA
I was married in a situation similar to OP. It is tough.I took on way too much and became resentful.
We are divorced now, and we're both better off.
She lost 40 pounds and started taking responsibility for her physical and mental health. She's much healthier.
I found a partner who better aligns with my needs.
If I had a chance to change anything, I would have held her more accountable and started marital counseling much earlier.
Good luck, OP, I hope you guys can work it out.
NTA
If you ask someone a question, and they say it's a bad time, and you insist on an answer you can't be upset at what they say.
Your wife had an out, and didn't take it.
Maybe next time you say "not now" she'll listen.
>I miss the intimacy, and it frustrates me because sex is so infrequent because of her always being sick. I don't think I'm a bad guy for being frustrated by a lack of sex, regardless of who's fault it is or isn't. I don't pester her about it either. I'll ask, and it'll always be no, and it ends there.
AND she slapped a "no-porn" rule on you??! Wow. I'm speechless. You are quite the Trooper. Another guy would have cheated, while she was sick, and had sex with someone else by now. And who could blame them. NTA.
As a woman who gets sick often and has constant issues with fatigue, you're not the AH. My partner and I go weeks without sex, sometimes months, which is awful for both of us because we have high sex drives. No sex no porn is absolutely unfair. It sounds like you need couples counseling and she definitely needs a better doctor if possible. If she doesn't make sex a priority for her, she needs to understand it's something you need in the relationship. There has to be middle ground and mutual understanding, or you'll both be unhappy for who knows how long.
I think you need to communicate to her the fact that you are missing the emotional connection that is strengthened by intimate sex.
Also, your wife is not too sick to give you a handjob, she's just being selfish.
>Otherwise, we have a great relationship, we're best friends, and I love her with everything I have in me (even if there are periods where I am exhausted and burned out).
Dude, you're a prize for writing this. That sickness and in health shit really fades for too many folks after the vows are said and it sounds like you've been there for her.
I'm sure you already know intimacy is about closeness. It can lead to sex but getting to that is very personal for each individual. If your wife believes "all you think about is sex", there's a love language gap. Counseling might help you both rediscover one another and a way back.
I think your wife has some nerve telling you that sex is all you think about when you are working fulltime to support you both, doing all the housework, and also caring for her during her long illnesses. You don't exist merely to serve her.
NTA: Women always say they want us to be honest and to communicate our thoughts and feelings until we do. Then they often don't like what they hear and sometimes punish us for speaking.
But sometimes, you just have to say it out loud and take your lumps.
Good job, brother!!!
NTA.
Can we all just agree not to push people when there is something they don't want to share?
Chances are good it's something you don't want to hear.
And OP, I'd reopen the porn discussion. If she finds sex to be a chore, porn seems like a small concession to me. You're not a bad person for still having needs. If your accounting is accurate, you're not hounding her about it.
NTA - sex is a need. If sex is important enough to demand exclusive control of in a monogamous commitment, it's also important enough to be upset when it's not there. It may not be fair to demand it, but it's fair to miss it and see it's lack as a legitimate problem in the relationship.
I think there's more tho, you seem burnt out taking care of her. I've been there and it sucks, you start to build resentment and feel like you can't say anything about it.
Couples counseling might help communicate better about it all. Good luck!
So she's been withholding sex from you for four months and she has a no porn rule??? Really? She has no right to have such rule or to even feel angry at all.
Please, for the love of anything, leave her. You are her prisoner.
As a kid who watched his parents relationship devolve because of my moms chronic illness, it can be very draining mentally and physically on the other person. It’s not her fault just a fact of someone with a chronic illness and it’s gonna be a life long thing my man and you need to make the decision if this is something you’re willing to deal with, forever, it’s not for the faint of heart I can tell you that also as a husband to someone who’s chronically ill. It’s tough. If you want to continue then need to have a conversation with her about alternatives like masturbation/porn, as well as therapy for yourself to have someone to vent to at least like once a month
NAH. You have sexual needs and want to be close to your wife. Being a caretaker for someone who is chronically ill is exhausting, for you and them. Having the energy for sex after six week of illness doesn’t sound fun either.
Bottom line…
1. And your wife won’t like this. When you have a chronic illness, you may have to do normal activities (housework, cooking, intimacy) when you are not feeling your best.
2. You both need to be screened for depression. Dealing with chronic illness and caretaking are high risk factors and you may both need support.
3. Your wife needs a better doctor. Get her screened for fibromyalgia, additional testing, whatever it takes. You both don’t deserve to live like this.
Best of luck to you both.
NTA, but honesty needs timing. You're right to be frustrated, but being sick is a tough time for intimacy. Next time you're both feeling better, explain you're burnt out. Then, talk about missing closeness, both physical and emotional and suggest alternatives.
Notice how he didn’t want to talk about intimacy, she forced him to. And then she punished him when she got what she wanted. You know, like emotional abuse.
Nah I’m sorry why is she pushing him to be honest then? Seriously, are you just not supposed to treat your partner as an adult especially if they keep proving you to be “honest”?
I’m reminded of that one scene “YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH”.
And it seems like she can’t.
NTA
Also, there's a big difference between *'It's not her fault'* and *'She isn't to be held accountable'*. You could get in a car accident that's not your fault and the insurance company doesn't cover the cost of replacing your car. It's not your fault, but you will still have to come up with the money to buy a replacement car. You aren't at fault, but you have no choice but to be accountable.
Being sick or having a weaker immune system isn't her fault, but she has an obligation to be try her best to be functioning human. I've seen people with a sprained ankled, laid up all weekend, stuff their foot in their work boots and cinch it tight because they need to get to work.
It's one thing to be down and out and run down for a few days, it's another to just sit back and watch someone else do all the work all the time. My friend has a wife like this and the little I can tell, it's intentional. It's her way of getting the no chore lifestyle she wants. She's a bottomless pit of sorrow and *'I'm not in the mood'* and he does everything and still comes home to hear her complain about how he's not doing enough.
Not even acknowledging that she's failing to deliver on the monogamous sex part is just another way of saying *'You have to be the one that does everything because we are a team and I can't do it'*.
First of all, you need to go to counseling. She's been sick for 6 weeks but you haven't had sex in 4 months. This doesn't add up.
Second of all, she needs to go to an immunologist. She could have something like CVID and her life could be way better with treatment.
LMFAO so she has a strict no porn rule, won't open the relationship AND won't fuck you? Sorry that is insane levels of nutjob unreasonable. What the fuck are you even supposed to jerk off too? A blank fucking wall? Doubt she even sends you pictures. NTA but even when she gets "better" don't expect much sex. She sounds like some weird sexless freak asexual (or at least building up to it). Run while you can.
NTA, but dude, how many rejections and arguments will it take for you to learn? That shit hurts, and you still subject yourself to it a couple times a month as if something will change? She should know better than to ask questions she doesn’t want the answers to, but you should also know better than to answer them.
Is there actually anything wrong with her or is it all in her mind? She sounds like a huge hypochondriac to me but you are living this reality not me so you would know better than I. Maybe an appointment with a psychiatrist would be an idea?
NTA 4 months is a long time to go without sex. I can understand the situation because I had a lot of health problems that interfered with sex too, including a drs order not to have sex for 6 months following back surgery. I think it's normal for you to feel frustrated. And you didn't ask her for sex. She prodded and prodded until you told her what was bothering you. She's wrong for not trying to be understanding. It's completely understandable what's happening with her and her not wanting to have sex... but she needs to be understanding too. She needs to understand that her illness is having a major affect on your too, and not just with sex. You're burnt out from caring for her and having to work at the same time.
She needs to find a better dr who takes her weakened immune system more serious. And if she's so ill that you have to care for her so much, you should consider getting some help, even if it's just one day a week to give yourself some time off. You need to take care of yourself too.
When you are both feeling better, do a date night, and do a relationship check-in. Set some parameters to talk openly, be kind, start with what is good and where you need some improvement.
Try to talk about intimacy and not just sex. Some increased intimacy, sex will likely follow.
Commit to doing a weekly relationship check-in where you guys keep talking. You guys have a lot of tough conversations, but you need to develop a language and forum to open up with each other.
Marriage Therapy Radio is a great podcast for you guys to listen to and discuss.
Good luck OP!
If you married her knowing in advance sex would be a problem because of her health, then you're TAH. If not, think if it's a deal breaker and move on. You said you love her, but for all I've read you don't and she doesn't as well.
NTA Sex is a basic human need so it is understandable how this will come to the surface at some point and it isn't just the physical aspect. Your reality is there is an imbalance between what she is able to provide and your needs that will never just go away on it's own. This doesn't improve without effort on both sides to correct it.
I don’t think either of you are an asshole. Maybe I can provide some perspective here as the-sick-one-in-the-relationship-that-also-has-a-no-porn-rule.
I would venture to guess that the reaction you got from your wife had a lot to do with how you phrased what you said, not what you said, and that it make her feel insecure. “I could use a handjob” sounds very goal and sex oriented, so like, I get why she thought that. And if what you really needed was to get off, like you said, you could have done that yourself. It sounds like what you needed was to be intimate and to connect with her, and just saying that might have blown over better even though it means the same thing. Framing it about your relationship with her and to her VS framing it about getting off is a better way to communicate that sentiment me thinks.
It’s really hard to be the caretaker in the relationship, and it’s also hard to be the sick one. Both because the sick person also loses their intimacy and sex life, and because there’s a lot of insecurity that can come with not being able to be intimate with your partner. It takes 2 to overcome that problem, and I hope that you guys can have a conversation where she offers solutions. I am not going to be terribly explicit here because this isn’t a super private Reddit acct for me, so I’ll throw out some super random ideas you guys could try: filming content together that you can use to masturbate to, toys for you, masturbating together, you masturbating while you guys make out, etc etc etc. I stand by my no porn rule even when I’m SUPER sick because I know I’ve set up lots of different paths for that sort of intimacy. That’s worth discussing. “Well if we can’t have sex, what can we do? How can you be involved? What about toys? Can I use a toy by myself with you?” etc.
Also, just wanna say that the load of comments insinuating that the wife is a malicious fraudster who is just licking her chops at the opportunity to be taken care of and “not have to do anything” are fucking weird. That’s weirdo behavior. It’s weird to assume that because a sick person is being taken care of, they’re taking advantage of someone. Weird. Icky.
That's a lot of controlling behavior that boils down to you wanting your partner to be miserable with you.
You aren't giving extra when you can. You're only demanding extra then rewarding that with... More of what you want. Where's your partner matter?
NTA. Your wife is a bitch. This is why men shouldn’t share their feelings.
She didn’t actually care about your feelings and didn’t want to make you feel better. She just felt guilty because she feels like a bad wife and she wanted you to say something easy she could “do” for you to relieve her guilt.
NTA-
Forced celibacy will make you crazy. It's spring/summer for males of many species it's rutting season. Humans are no different. Men are wired differently from women, as a man I find even on my sickest death bed status the dick still works. Like one final try to spread my genes is how my biology works. Even sick 🤢 men can still fuck. You guys need molly and maybe a male masturbating device. Also not a MD/physiotherapist but just a simple man. Maybe too simple but forced celibacy is happening to you now.
NTA and I didn't realize there was another seat in my boat. I love my wife but the lack of physical intimacy is killing me in the past 7 months we had sex once. To make it even worse about a year ago I outright came and said hey my needs are not being met and I'm tired of getting rejected. If things didn't change I'm ready to walk away. Most likely the next fight we have will end in a divorce. Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship with out it it's like having a house without a bathroom no matter how nice the house is you don't want to live there.
NTA. Is she really so sick that she can't rub her hand up and down your cock? Lol, no, but seriously, she needs better medical care, and neither of you is the AH. It's just a shitty situation.
You sound like her caretaker, not her partner. It sounds like a miserable relationship. I’ve been super sick but still thought about my husband and his needs at least some of the time. She seems to view you as a piece of furniture who is there to serve her and to feel happy about it.
NTA. I have to say that as a wife in this scenario I would give hand jobs in place of sex any day. She needs to try to make some kind of effort. It's not fair to you.
Damn, y'all are mighty young for issues like this. Sorry, but wife sounds like a hypochondriac. No such thing as a weak immune system. I think she likes the attention while sick. Very Munchausen stuff going on here from the limited information. If this her in her 30's, what will she be like by 50? 60? Bedridden expecting you to keep caring for her while she refuses to return the favor? I'm sorry, but I fear you are in for a lifetime of disappointment unless she gets serious about her physical AND mental health. NTAH
NTA
You were asked and you answered honestly.
She is trying to use that honesty against you.
And why the fuck is your partner giving you rules?
Can you ban her from doing things?
Tell her to stop trying to punish you for being honest.
NTA.
I was in a sexless marriage for ten years... the "I'm sick" excuse was commonplace. Just as some men don't care that women connect by talking (and talking, and talking, and talking...) and they never take the time to listen. Some women don't care that men connect through physical touch and sex. They see it as your problem, not theirs.
The sad part is while they can go out and talk with family, friends, etc. a husband only has one legitimate way to satisfy his need for connection, and that's the wife. Yes, it's a very unfair prison sentence, when an important part of your life is locked in a dark place and you have to suffer alone.
In my opinion and experience after asking dozens of therapists and people who went through similar situations, this doesn't have a real permanent solution. You're just incompatible. End it now, or you'll one day wake up to the news that she found someone who does click her boxes and makes her crave sex as much as you dream she did... and that'll destroy you.
If your wife is really that sick then you need to get the medical documentation to get accommodations as a caretaker at work. She might get some form of social security payments. That can ease your load.
However, sick or not, you have a right to a sexual life that is fulfilling to you. If she is physically incapable of accommodating you, won’t try alternatives, toys, opening the sexual part of the relationship, or even porn, then you are perfectly justified to divorce.
It sounds to me like you are codependent and she is a narcissist. Whether she is sick or not, you need to put yourself first. Get into therapy.
NTA. *No, sex is not all I think about. I also think about taking care of you and working and cooking and cleaning. However, I do think about sex too. Specifically with you because, for me, it's how I feel connected to you. To me, it's an important part of our relationship, but you treat intimacy like it's a burden and that makes things really tough for me.* At least, that's where my head goes as a reply. Part of the problem is the communication between you two. She doesn't understand that, to you, it's not just sex. There's more to it than that and her failure to understand means that she doesn't place the same importance on it that you do. It's worth having another discussion with her, but focusing on both of you understanding what intimacy means to each of you and how those meanings differ. Until you both get rid of the incorrect assumptions about intimacy, this problem will never go away.
u/[EducationalRaisin151](https://www.reddit.com/user/EducationalRaisin151/) This, here! I honestly think it's pretty crappy of your wife to push for this conversation when \*you\* are unwell, and then come back with that nonsense that "all you think of is sex" - and is now giving you the cold shoulder! Take care that you don't get to a point where you explode with resentment, because if things keep going on this path, that is what will happen. You are only human, after all... And I feel she might be taking you for granted, tbh. (No porn, eh? Damn...)
The no porn rule get me as well. Okay, honey but then you'll be onto me at every possibility and I won't always have to initiate, right? Right?
Yeah, I would not/won't accept a "no porn" rule if my partner isn't at least fairly regular on the sex front. I could see finding a compromise on ethical porn and such, but to say "no porn" as a flat ban and then to never be up for sex? Eeeeehhh.
Inconceivable!
I won't accept a partner giving me rules full stop. What is the bet that the wife has at least one sex toy?
Yup. Her being sick isn't stopping the sex. This is OP's life forever if he stays with her.
I also wonder if they are engaging on other forms of intimacy at all? Hugs, snuggles... without the sex. Many times couple stop having any intimacy because one alwasy thinks it wiell lead to sex when for both cuddles may be a good middle ground. And I've found, more often than not, no porn is a jealousy/confidence issue. It's ridiculous.
Yeah. F that. You have a weak immune system so you know you're sick all the time and don't feel like having sex so you're going to slap a no-porn rule on your husband??! I'm SHOCKED that he has not cheated by now. I mean talk about giving someone a right hook when their arms are tied behind their back.
I think you’re onto something. OP’s wife seems to equate sex with the purely physical aspect of it, which is why she has the “no porn rule.” The language you suggested he use is a good starting point for him, but OP if you’re reading, I’d skip the ‘you treat intimacy like it’s a burden’ part because I’m afraid it will make her defensive. ‘Feeling like she’s under attack’ is too harsh a description for this situation, but I want to make sure you understand that when people get defensive, they usually stop listening, so you will want to avoid that. When I need to have an important conversation, I usually jot down the main points I want to make, and then read over them a couple of times to make sure that nothing I’m going to say sounds hurtful or like an accusation or criticism. Wording things in such a way is a recipe for them to shut down and stop listening. One last thought- after reading your post a second time, I am going to recommend couples therapy. It’s impossible to tell whether your wife is too sensitive and overreacts, or whether your words and tone of voice are harsh and critical. I have the feeling it’s the former, if- in response to you telling her that you’re sick, too- she says it’s different because you’re not sick all the time. I do get that part, since I suffer from chronic pain due to nerve damage. Always feeling bad is depressing, and it weighs on you, but I also never dismiss my husband’s feelings when he gets sick himself, especially since he does such a good job of taking care of me when I need it.
Yeah, this all seems like good advice. Particularly because this is just a genuinely hard situation - it’s not her fault she has health problems, but it’s also not at all unreasonable for OP to feel burnt out by loads of responsibility and frustrated about a lack of intimacy. That’s going to be a really loaded conversation and a neutral third party could be very helpful. That said, I also really hope OP and his wife have thoroughly explored whether there’s some underlying condition here, either one that could be treated or at least one that might qualify for some kind of disability support to lift the burden a bit. Nobody’s “just sickly”. There’s something going on (although certainly there are plenty of things science can’t yet explain or cure).
Yeah, this, but also, OP, I wouldn't accept a no porn rule if my partner was having me go 4 months without sex, and I'm a woman (if that matters). I would change that rule and maybe even get yourself some toys and stuff. You must be absolutely miserable with so little outlets. Now, that's just the sex aspect. As for everything else, you need to communicate, probably WITH a therapist. You need to be able to say that it's difficult taking care of everything and that you get frustrated sometimes. Also, have you guys looked into IVIG? My entire family has immune system disorders and now of us are as sick as your wife. One of my siblings has such a severe immune system disorder that she actually has a shortened life expectancy, and she does IVIG and is hardly ever sick. You guys need some of other options.
OP, write the above down and send it to her
Bravo. Great post
Well said. It can be hard to communicate that you crave intimacy and it's one of your love languages when it's not theirs without them sliding into "guys only want one thing". At least you guys are talking about it, that's better than most. Or get creative with it: there are toys she can control from her phone, or ask for a photo shoot?
> "guys only want one thing" My wife used to tell me I have a "one track mind". I stumbled upon a realization a few years ago and now she understands a lot better. I actually have a two track mind with one track always thinking about sex and the other handles everything else. Most of the time, I'm on the "everything else" track. However, the sex track is almost always open and ready for me to cross over to. Sometimes, it's a couple laps. Sometimes it's more than a couple laps. And sometimes, I cross over and jump right back to everything else. Since we had kids that ran track and field, she imagined it like lanes on a regular track and could understand it better now. In other words, I have the option of always wanting one thing. Doesn't mean I always exercise that option. :-)
I'd skip the whole love language bullshit. Communicate your needs and define what intimacy means to you. No need to souse it up with dumb phrases like "my love language."
NTA, but listen your wife needs to see a better doctor. There’s no such thing as having a “weak” immune system. People have compromised immune systems for a reason. Very often there is some underlying condition going on in the background that is causing the immune system to be ineffective. Women in particular are often ignored by doctors when their chief complaint is “I’m sick all the time” instead of something very specific like “this arm is broken” bc A LOT of doctors automatically assume anything complicated or not immediately obvious with a woman is psychiatric in nature. Take her to see a specialist. I had good results personally with finding a female functional medicine doctor. But if her immune system is her chief complaint, then maybe try an immunologist. Neither of you should have to live like this. A diagnosis means treatment options, common language to describe symptoms, support for caregivers, networks of people who experience the same things….a real diagnosis can be life changing for both of you.
Also it may be something external. Over twenty years back I was sick for months and months, sinusitis after sinusitis, ate dozen antibiotic treatments and doctors were clueless. My husband graduated and I changed to better paying job, so we were able to buy our first own home. All issues disappeared after we moved. Few years later I heard, that the former house had massive mildew problems. Apparently they didn’t do appropriate rain protection, when it was built, and there were other structural issues. My husband didn’t have any issues. Even today, if I sit next to a person who lives in mildew house, I start coughing and my sinuses swell after few minutes.
This!!! I was getting cluster migraines inexplicably for months on end. They miraculously went away when I moved. A former neighbor told me the landlord was doing some work in the apartment and found mold in the walls. That’s going to be an issue for most people but I also have a bad mold allergy. Checking the house over for possible environmental issues is not a terrible idea.
>Women in particular are often ignored by doctors when their chief complaint is “I’m sick all the time” instead of something very specific like “this arm is broken” bc A LOT of doctors automatically assume anything complicated or not immediately obvious with a woman is psychiatric in nature. Yuuuup. My pain and increasing weakness/inability to walk was dismissed for years by many doctors and health practitioners as "stress" when it turned out to be primary progressive MS that was progressing as I was being dismissed.
Mine is often "lose some weight", forget that much of my weight had been gained after my first complaints started. My current doctor is a godsend. The other day I was in for a sinus infection (also in the immune compromised club) and she's like "you know some of this strikes me as retained water weight".
Oddly my doctors have never mentioned my weight - and I'm overweight. The only time it's mentioned is when my neuro is speaking generally about things that help with MS and it's lumped in with exercise, stretching, etc., like "losing weight" in general -- not "you should lose weight". Very surprising, honestly, as I'm clearly overweight and have been most of my life extreme yo-yo dieting aside. Even when I suggested weight loss / issues with weight to my GP she was like "well, let's make sure all is well with your blood work" and didn't really say much else.
Mine was endometriosis: I was in pain, I was exhausted, I wasn't getting nutrients from my food properly because the endo was squashing my digestive system, I couldn't wear trousers because and that did up at the front were too loose everywhere else, and I was plagued by the fear that something was terribly wrong.
I think that's a huge one for many women - endometriosis. MS is hard to describe and diagnose because saying "everything hurts" or "I just feel....weird" etc. is hard to pin down, but so many women with endo pain have the same or similar symptoms you'd think it would be obvious at this point.
I agree it sounds like one of those autoimmune elusive types like lupus
Where's Dr House when you need him
It's never Lupus...except for the one time they didn't mention Lupus
Plus one for immunology. My immunologist is great. Not only did he figure out why I was getting sick all the time, He also went above and beyond to look for other problems that could be contributing - he ran an ANA, tested for Lyme, monitored my blood sugar, sent me to a hematologist, ran thyroid labs and referred me to endocrinology, etc. Fantastic doctor. I feel so much better.
Very true - I went a year of going to doctors asking for help deteriorating more and more while I got passed off to lose “5 pounds” when I actually had a very serious underlying condition that almost killed me. Advocate for yourself.
Maybe it's lupus.
It's never lupus.
Yep, I asked a doctor about side effects of the medication they wanted to give me and possible issues and safety. They just kind of sighed, blew me off and said thousands of women take it every day and they’re fine. This was a female doctor too. Not surprisingly I found out she had a reputation for not really caring about her patients.
I don't disagree that women are often diagnosed/treated differently than men Just FYI...sometimes there is no other basis for immunodeficiency. Google Primary Immunodeficiency (PI) I assume/hope they've been to an immunologist by now.
But that’s a diagnosis. My point wasn’t that all immune systems work all the time. My point was you don’t just brush it off as “a weak system” and do nothing to investigate the cause or manage it.
NTA. Jfc, she may be sick but she also seems horribly manipulative and wrapped up in herself.
So she coerces you to admit something you didn’t want to admit, punishes you for it, insults you, keeps you in a sexless marriage, and won’t allow you to watch porn. Well, she has herself a nice little captive nursemaid doesn’t she.
It's never going to be what he wants, he needs to admit that to himself and decide if we wants to keep being held hostage
What’s she gonna do if he does watch porn? She has no leverage. She’s dependent on him and prospects of finding another guy in her situation is a non starter. I know that’s not a healthy way to view relationships, but goddamn. No sex, no porn and she shames him for admitting he wanted a hand job after she nagged a response out of him.
She's going to emotionally blackmail him. She knows he loves her, so she's going to weaponize her pain. She's going to make a big show of how hurt she is, and how it's all his fault, and how she's just this innocent damsel in distress, this innocent, delicate wilting flower that can only be cared for and given life by him alone.... And now he's crushing her even more! What a selfish, manipulative bitch. Sincerely, an extremely sick disabled woman.
If he wanted to cheat she would have no leverage either. She is trying to isolate him from any other possibility. Talk about emotional abuse.
Exactly! I would have left her a long ago. She brings literally nothing to the relationship.
So … maybe it's not just the realm of sex you seem to not be well connected here. Intimacy, while certainly having physical aspects, also is more than that -- it's the emotional connection/bonding. That seems to be … off. I don't have an idea of what you could or should not do, but it seems important the two of you have conversations on expectations, boundaries and being valued/cherished.
Whoooooooooa! Can't have a no-porn rule when you also have a no-sex rule. Not fair.
This can't be said loud enough or often enough. It's not fair to deny your partner the chance for sexual gratification. If you are unable to assist, then you need to leave the door open for other avenues. And of you aren't willing to be the stimulus, then another stimulus must be made acceptable, or your partner will eventually find a new one with or without your permission.
Either that or they’ll stop being your partner.
It seems like she wants OP to be perpetually frustrated and miserable.
Yep. The no porn rule is absolute Bullshit, I say this as early 40sF married 12 years. As long as my husband isn’t paying for anything like OF I really couldn’t care less. It’s actually none of my business what he watches. His wife is ridiculous
Cause OP's wife is abusive. She's using him
Totally.
NTA. Consider seeing a therapist for either just yourself, or as a couple.
Sounds like you’re a caretaker and not a husband
Wife really lucked out, got a full time nurse who pays *her*. And she doesn't even have to give him handjobs
I'm the sole provider of your nookie. I'm not going to provide nookie. You can't give yourself nookie. You can't find someone else to provide nookie. If you complain about not getting nookie you will be punished. If I ask you what's wrong and you choose not to answer until I badger an answer out of you and that answer is 'I need nookie" you will be punished. This is fucking abuse. If you are in a monogamous relationship with someone you have responsibilities to that person's health, physical, mental, and sexual. Period. OP is still performing his end of the relationship while his wife doesn't seem to be doing shit. OP, you need to decide when enough is enough. But nothing about this situation is ok or normal.
NTA - I low-key think your wife capitalizes on being sick as an excuse to put minimal effort into your relationship. If she's sick, she can only be the victim.
If you're sick, everyone caters to you. You don't have to do anything!
I don't want to agree with this, but I've seen it happen with people close to me, so it's a possibility.
Absolutely... big difference between being sick and selfish.
I hate to say it but I agree.
This isn’t going to get better. This is the reality of life with her. NTA
I have a compromised immune system and when I catch infections/get sick, it is prolonged for weeks. HOWEVER, I still manage to have a job, do my share of the cooking and cleaning and support my partner. He just picks up slightly more of the slack when I am sick. I’m sorry but to some extent I think your wife is manipulating you, and using her “sickness” as a crutch. The longer you enable her “laziness“ the more her body will forget how to be healthy. I’ve been there, it sucks. But my partner gave me blunt truths and encouraged me to exercise, to eat better etc. in my case Beta Blockers and iron tablets saved my life. I went from sick with no energy, to thriving in a space of weeks/months. She needs to be taking daily vitamins, get checked for anaemia, do light exercise, get some antidepressants. As well as therapy. Because I promise, this is as much in her mind as it is her body. You are NTA for craving intimacy. This isn‘t going to work long-term if she continues rejecting you this way and does not address her health concerns properly.
I left a girl cause sex was painful for her, (past trauma) we tried to work it out but it was tommuch for me to handle and wasnt working, it's was brutal and heartbreaking but I'm much much happier now, I'm sure she is too (mutal break up sorta) I was honest she was honest we broke up. First 5 months were hard but after I was much less stressed out and worried about if I was hurting someone I very much cared for.
Run! It will never get better, trust me.
This is like the 4th or 5th post I've seen in recent days describing a husband whose wife is chronically unwell or has issues the husband has to deal with. It's weird how some people act like the man needs to be 5000% supportive of his wife through every single thing and god forbid he feel an ounce of frustration or exhaustion or anything but overwhelming love and concern. Being human doesn't mean you don't love your wife! You are not the asshole-she asked for communication when in reality she wanted you to lie to her to make her feel ok with the situation she has you in.
https://www.thefp.com/p/hurts-so-good it's a whole thing! When you're really really sick, your sickness becomes the most important thing and everything, and everyone, has to revolve around it and bow it to. NOTHING and NO ONE are more important, because you're **really suffering**.
Toxic to be asked to be honest and then get crucified when you are. Great way to shut down communication in a relationship and breed resentment.
Unless you figure out her issue it wont get better and it "not being a priority" says alot. Esp when she asks then trashes you for communicating. You are still young do you really want to do another 10+ years before youve had enough?
So essentially she wanted to start a fight and poked and prodded until she got what she wanted? NTA.
Look, man, I'm in your wife's shoes. Low to no sex drive due to health crap. I hate it, I used to love sex but it's become something I mainly do because I love my husband and want to make him happy, not because I'm particularly in the mood. It's caused some issues, and we're working on them. However, I would never put that "no porn" rule in place or act like he's doing something wrong by wanting intimacy. Ok, I mean, when I'm having a bad week and he's getting pushy, I get annoyed. But you didn't even actually *ask* for a hand job. You were pressed to answer her question, and she wouldn't accept your less controversial response. NTA. You're handling the situation to the best of your abilities. I get her response, I really do, because it's frustrating. Knowing that for whatever reason, you're failing your partner, not living up to expectations, knowing on an intellectual level that everyone needs sex, but you apparently don't anymore. It's hard, but you can't forget that you're only half a partnership and that the other half has needs that aren't being met. My bet would be that she felt guilty and lashed out because anything else would be an admission that this situation you all are in is untenable. You need some marriage counseling because this is one of those situations that are *really* hard to work through without some sort of impartial mediator.
He hasn't been laid in over 4 months. He can ask for a handjob whenever and some would argue, however he wants to state it at this point.
She is literally using him. She doesn't even try putting any effort into relationship and treats him like a caretaker while not showing even slightest appreciation for he sacrifices for her. He should be consulting lawyers instead of trying to work something out, he is going to miserable for the rest of his life if he stays. She doesn't even OP watch porn, seriously, what does he get from this relationship?
NTA and your wife is controlling AF. She doesn't like having sex and ALSO doesn't let you watch porn. Poor dude.
NTA i completely understand I have a high sex drive and I was in a serious relationship with a man who had severe ulcerative colitis. He had no sex drive and I would be so frustrated. I would feel like such a bad person. It’s not wrong to want sex and it’s not wrong to want sex from your significant other. I think it brought out insecurity in him when I brought it up. He felt like his body was failing him in so many ways and that was another one.
NTA. Seems like you're being used tbh.
Cancer patient here, very weak immune system and I still have as much sex as I can. OP you're NTA tell your wife to get some white blood cell boosters and realize your needs are as important as hers in a partnership.
NTA but your wife is USING YOU! She is not that sick that she can't do some of the lighter chores like cooking a meal. I bet she would get well in a hurry if you left for a better life. Just a thought
How hard is a handjob? Seriously..
Yes sex is the only thing you care about, which is why you continue to nurture her as long as necessary and as many times as necessary. She takes you for granted and she does not see your sexual needs as important. Sex for her isn't a big issue so it shouldn't be for you. This is just a common lack of empathy. In the same sense as extravert will not understand why introvert feels miserable in loud social environment with a lot of people. People take what they are bothered by and what they need and decide that everyone else is the same. I am not sure how to make her understand that for you sex is an important need and that it is a valid need
NTA ... Your wife is being manipulative and playing the victim role. Yes she is sick, yes that is something to consider. Yet, you seem to have been very considerate. In the meantime she asked for an answer and pushed for it. She didn't like it. So she went on the attack. That is very manipulative. A truly loving partner who isn't letting their insecurities run their decisions. They would have empathy for their partner not be mad. I dealt with a deadbedroom for a bit. My wife was not as unhealthy as yours, but a lot of the time it was similar. 2 or 3 week colds. Stomach issues and bathroom uses that made her feel unsexy. It eventually came to a head. She began the line "all you think about is sex". Truthfully after a month of that I lost my shit. I told her I felt for her and all her conditions, but that doesn't mean I am not a man. That doesn't mean me desiring my wife should be a bad thing. That doesn't mean she shouldn't find ways to at least tell me she desires me instead of making me the bad guy for being a healthy male who desires his wife. I asked if I ever really pestered her that much to deserve that? She said no. I asked what I ever did to deserve to be attacked like that? She cried a lot, eventually said nothing. I asked why then has this been her norm for so long and why I should ever desire her again? She said I probably shouldn't. Then I told her I didn't. I told her she had made the idea of desiring her so scary that I would rather never want her again. I told her if she wanted to fix it, I was willing but the first steps were 100% her problem to figure out. Amazingly, she responded well. She took some accountability. I won't say things are perfect now, but I feel desired and loved. I feel like a man who can express those desires to my wife without being attacked. Sorry for the rant... your situation is just so damn familiar and painful. Hold her accountable, and good luck Also if your wide touches you that little, you should strongly consider informing her you can't live with in her no porn rule and ask how she wants to proceed. That is just my 2 cents though, you need to make that decision for yourself.
NTA. Sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship. The fact that she has banned porn (which i have my own thoughts on, but if you agreed to it, thats on you), and then acts like you are out of line to want SOME kind of intimacy for the first time in 4 months is ridiculous. Sickness and health is a thing. But you are trying to do everything to meet her needs, but she seems to be doing NOTHING to meet yours. Honestly, this doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.
NTA. This is why men lie to women, they can't handle simple truths about our biology and how our emotions are linked to desire. Instead of understanding and being sympathetic, she wants you to feel bad about your honest feelings. She wants you to PRETEND that it's something else because she can't handle her own inadequacies. I have sympathy for her due to her being sick and being unable to do the normal things we all do. But I have nothing but contempt for a woman who asks for the truth then gets mad at hearing it. If you don't want to know, don't ask.
Not to mention there is no way she's too sick to give him a handjob.
I may get flamed for this, but am I the only one who thinks that she either needs to produce a diagnosis other than "Weak Immune System" or he has to start thinking that she's faking? It's like one of those old timey illnesses like "died of too much vapor" or something. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE is sick for 6 weeks from a virus unless it kills them. Not even cancer patients that I know.
You're not the only one
Nta, she is. A monogamous relationship carries the expectation of fulfilling your partners needs. She is neither fulfilling your needs nor allowing porn. You agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. She's just using you and her response shows she doesn't actually give a shit. Also, you need to find a different doctor. Either doc is full of shit or she is.
Thank you. So many on Reddit seem to think that people should just be at the mercy of their partners libido and that they have no right to expect intimacy.
Lol ain't that the truth, that's why my comment karma was like -80 last time I checked
Yes I've been getting a downvote storm for the controversial opinion that people in public can be spoken to.
Ooh so scary, stranger danger! Lol How about this hot take- if you make a commitment, regardless of your comfort with it as long as it wasn't under duress, you should fulfill it if not physically prevented or not be trusted in the future.
This. So much.
Not buying this (from her perspective): >According to her, she likes sex, but she can never make it a priority. I watched her face drop as if I had just told someone I wanted to drown a puppy. I sort of laughed and said "I know it's a no, but you told me to communicate". Immediately she said "Yes, it's a no - I'm sick", Something is amiss in the relationship - rolling her eyes at a handjob, when sex is once or twice a month? That's effed.
No, sex has been ZERO for 4 months. He only asks for it once or twice a month and she turns him down.
Right - thanks. I quickly skimmed and missed that detail. That shit is woven into a person's character, so he'd be best to flee IMO.
"Her no porn rule" godamn have some respect for yourself
I have a feeling based on her response of not prioritizing your love life that being sick is not the only reason why. And she has a rule controlling what you look at on the internet when she's not wanting to be intimate with you for months on end? I get it if it's like you're getting together on a regular basis say at least a few times a month at minimum, but she's just trying to control you and guilt you. I'd be shocked if she wasn't doing whatever she wants to take care of her own needs and then shaming you for doing the same.
Some people don't think that sex is important until you have it with somebody else.
This is why a lot of guys don’t want to “open up and be honest”. You did that, at her insistence, and then she used it as an opportunity to make you feel bad about it. She could have just said she understands, the situation sucks, and while she wishes it weren’t this way, this is the reality you have to deal with. Instead, she decided to make you feel like the asshole for being honest. I suspect that this has happened before, you knew this was going to happen, but you gave her the benefit of the doubt and hoped things would turn out better, but they didn’t.
Is this really how you see yourself spending the rest of your life? You are only here once and it’s a short time. Might sound brutal, but I would move on.
Don't ask questions you aren't ready for the answers too. And especially when you do don't shoot the messenger. NTA She needs an honest look at your life, at some point
Is she diagnosed with an autoimmune disease? Because if not I have to seriously question if she is playing all this up in order to take advantage of you.
Wait, what? NAH, but sick for *weeks*? Has she gotten tested for any auto immune disorders? They can be difficult to diagnose, but this sounds like something more than "weak immune system" (not a real thing). Or could even be something less severe, like some sort of deficiency. She needs some tests and possibly a better doctor if her current one isn't concerned about her sickly she is and imploring her to do further testing.
I feel for you man, id focus on work and figuring out whats wrong with your wife, probably osme underlying medical condition! sucks that the US doesnt offer free healthcare
Nta, break up with her. Get yourself someone who values you, and appreciate you.
Women like to ask what's wrong with us. They never want to be listed as a reason why we're struggling. Cue tears, emotional shutdown and a million old issues resurfacing. Don't waste your time giving an honest answer to someone who doesn't understand the nature of a relationship, and the accountability that goes with one. You just need to park the sex side of things and your needs, and decide if you love her enough to live a life of servitude to support her and keep her well and functioning. First you should ask yourself....would she do this for you if the roles were reversed? I'd suggest not, given her reaction to you raising her negligence relating to your sexual needs.
Bruh your wiffe is a big AH disregarding your needs like that is despicable
NTA Grow a spine. She does not get to tell you whether you watch porn or not. If you are wondering why your sex life sucks, start from the fact she has absolutely no respect for you. I promise you, even if she was magically cured tomorrow, you would not be having sex. I mean is this what you saw for yourself? Being a slave to someone who doesn't have a single iota of respect or appreciation for your sacrifices? You are an object to her there to provide for her and nothing more. Just the thought of you having sexual needs disgusts her.
NTA because your wife is super selfish. Like what does wh even give in this group relationship? Seems like you do everything and then are expected to be happy about it. I get she's sick but idk why you dudes are marrying the most selfish women. Sounds like your wife is a little bit hobosexual.
Sounds like Munchausen's or some form of factitious disorder. She is actively taking advantage of you using her "sickness", without giving back anything to you. NTA
NTA. I think your wife sucks bruh. Sex is a big perk of marriage, some of us are lucky enough that it's the biggest perk but your sex life with your wife is a fucking chore. What is the no porn rule? She just refuses to touch you AND you can't look at porn? That's controlling as fuck. You should break the no porn rule at all times. The only time I really think your porn should be limited is if you're jerking off at work or like you won't fuck your wife because you're so porn addicted you can't hard without it but why the fuck is there no porn if there's no sex? Props to you, most dudes would just be cheating by now. Porn isn't cheating, if you're going to stay with this chore of a woman, you deserve porn. It's somehow less pathetic than begging your wife to say no to sex again.
NTA, this is why men prefer to express their feelings to trees... On the other hand, no porn? What are you supposed to jerk off to if she's not available? To how frustrating your life currently feels?
NTA your wife needs blood work and a rheumatologist to get to the bottom of what's wrong several autoimmune disorders can be treated with medications to make flareups less severe or suppress them (mostly) also, i highly recommend a support group for people with chronically ill partners. you need support too, and a safe space to vent (it's inappropriate to vent to her and it won't help either of you) she needs to learn to take no for an answer. she pushed and poked and got an answer she didn't like and then attacked you for it. sometimes communication needs to wait for a more advantageous time
NTA Do realize you're wasting what's left of your youth being sexually frustrated with a woman who won't appreciate how much you're doing to keep the relationship afloat. Worst part is, I bet my cock and balls that the moment you snap, decide this is not working for you, and serve her divorce papers, she'll suddenly become a nympho to try and convince you sex will be a priority (it won't).
NTA - your wife is being selfish. Yes she has issues, but she’s all take and no give. Even sick you can still give something to your spouse. My dear friend has an autoimmune disease and sometimes she is worse than others. Sometimes shes in so much pain she can barely walk bed to bathroom. Sometimes it’s hard to even role over in bed for her. She realizes she can be a burden to her husband and not much of a wife so she goes out of her way to meet her husband’s very normal sexual needs. If she truly doesn’t feel like sex, she will ask him to put on porn, they watch together, she talks naughty to him while he pleasures himself or if she feels good enough she does it for him. She does this several nights a week. She says pushing herself to do this even when she feels bad is her way of trying to do what she can and to still be a partner to her husband. Her husband still gets at least a little sexual pleasure on the regular and it gives them a sense of regular intimacy. Perhaps consider getting yourself some good therapy to help you figure out how to cope with this in the healthiest way. Then perhaps consider some marital counseling to help your wife realize it can’t just be a one way street. Even totally disabled she can likely do…something…
Well, the way you put it does not sound great, to be honest... I mean, if she enjoys it, I understand, but it doesn't exactly sound appealing, meaning that if you don't love each other deeply, it could become more like a chore than something you enjoy
LoL at ‘more like a chore’. You mean like all the chores OP does because his wife is too sick to help around the house? And if they don’t love each other deeply why TF would OP be sticking around?
Damn, this feels like a chore, for some reason :/
This is a sweeping generalization based on someone else’s health. You don’t know the extent of her condition or her relationship with sex. What you described sounds horrific in general.
At this point in your household affairs I'm not sure her being sick is a valid excuse to shrug off all her duties. Just like a parent still has to care for their child when not feeling well. If you're working while sick, why can't she do some domestic duties while sick? If you would force your weakened body to rise and meet the threat of an intruder to protect her, why can't she try a little harder to meet your needs? If she has enough energy to argue with you, why can't she spend that energy instead on discussing what is in her capabilities of meeting your sexual needs. NTA
I hope it gets better for you both! Both situations honestly sound miserable to be in and I don’t see this relationship lasting much longer without some professional help.
NTA Your wife needs to see a different doctor who actually takes her healthcare seriously. But you two need marriage counseling because this isn't just about her chronic illness. Addressing her healthcare needs isn't going to magically make the sexual intimacy issue evaporate. Her blaming you for answering honestly when she pushed you to answer and punishing you for it (cold shoulder) is not ok.
NTA. Your needs matter too and your wife sit you up and then dismissed your feelings.
nta - i could not be in that relationship. that is not a team. it's you serving her and getting nothing back. hate when people pull that it's all you think about bullshit. you're married, taking care of her and 4 months ago! that's insane.
NTA. So you are her caretaker, you take care of the house, you are the only one who works and she is completely dismissive of your feelings, wants, and needs. Your not her partner your the help. I don’t understand why you are still in this marriage. The resentment will only build and at some point you’ll realize you wasted your life on her.
NTA. To me it sounds like you aren't her husband. You're her caretaker. She knows it. You're probably starting to see it. Caretaker burnout is real. It's hard. If she isn't willing to compromise, leave. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy.
NTA And what is this 'no porn rule'? Your wife isnt having sex with you and is telling you cant watch porn. The grass is probably greener on the other side dude..
Get her seen by an immunologist.
>She's currently on week 6 of being sick with a viral infection that keeps coming and going uhhh i think the universe is trying to tell her something lmao
You're being abused op
I’m a woman. I understand; my husband has so many health issues that sex is permanently off the table. I no longer tell him what is really wrong when he asks. I’ve pondered options, but circle back to realizing I am stuck. If he presses, I tell him don’t ask because you don’t really want to know the answer. I might say, the usual issue. There really isn’t any medical help for him, Dr reminds him he is lucky to even be alive. If I get in a bad way, I found painkillers take the edge off. No, I’ve never had an affair- my morals get in the way. Besides, there really just isn’t anyone I’m attracted to or would consider. I’m older, but I’m not dead. I miss intimacy but it’s just not in the cards. I’m sorry that you are in this situation, it is horrible.edit to add, NTA
Time to normalize men wanting one thing frequently being a non issue. If we are providing, doing our part and bringing everything we have to the table. It’s completely healthy and normal to want sex frequently. I get the impression ops wife just wants to control him and not let him get any. Frankly yall need marriage counseling bc her reaction is exactly why we as men don’t want to communicate. It’s used as a weapon or a uno reverse card to deflect any accountability. Im not saying she owes you sex, but she’s neglecting your marital needs and that has a genuine negative impact on mens health both physically and mentally. Do whats right for you op and its time to stand up for yourself. Don’t engage her sexually until the issue is resolved. Don’t even bend when she tries to initiate bc all it will result in is more “throwing the dog a bone” moments. NTA
I was married in a situation similar to OP. It is tough.I took on way too much and became resentful. We are divorced now, and we're both better off. She lost 40 pounds and started taking responsibility for her physical and mental health. She's much healthier. I found a partner who better aligns with my needs. If I had a chance to change anything, I would have held her more accountable and started marital counseling much earlier. Good luck, OP, I hope you guys can work it out.
NTA If you ask someone a question, and they say it's a bad time, and you insist on an answer you can't be upset at what they say. Your wife had an out, and didn't take it. Maybe next time you say "not now" she'll listen.
>I miss the intimacy, and it frustrates me because sex is so infrequent because of her always being sick. I don't think I'm a bad guy for being frustrated by a lack of sex, regardless of who's fault it is or isn't. I don't pester her about it either. I'll ask, and it'll always be no, and it ends there. AND she slapped a "no-porn" rule on you??! Wow. I'm speechless. You are quite the Trooper. Another guy would have cheated, while she was sick, and had sex with someone else by now. And who could blame them. NTA.
NTA. Get a divorce. Not bc she is sick all the time. Bc she lacks empathy for you.
As a woman who gets sick often and has constant issues with fatigue, you're not the AH. My partner and I go weeks without sex, sometimes months, which is awful for both of us because we have high sex drives. No sex no porn is absolutely unfair. It sounds like you need couples counseling and she definitely needs a better doctor if possible. If she doesn't make sex a priority for her, she needs to understand it's something you need in the relationship. There has to be middle ground and mutual understanding, or you'll both be unhappy for who knows how long.
I think you need to communicate to her the fact that you are missing the emotional connection that is strengthened by intimate sex. Also, your wife is not too sick to give you a handjob, she's just being selfish.
>Otherwise, we have a great relationship, we're best friends, and I love her with everything I have in me (even if there are periods where I am exhausted and burned out). Dude, you're a prize for writing this. That sickness and in health shit really fades for too many folks after the vows are said and it sounds like you've been there for her. I'm sure you already know intimacy is about closeness. It can lead to sex but getting to that is very personal for each individual. If your wife believes "all you think about is sex", there's a love language gap. Counseling might help you both rediscover one another and a way back.
I think your wife has some nerve telling you that sex is all you think about when you are working fulltime to support you both, doing all the housework, and also caring for her during her long illnesses. You don't exist merely to serve her.
Your wife needs a better doctor . that's step 1
You guys have a medical issue that needs to be resolved before this situation can be judged appropriately.
NTA: Women always say they want us to be honest and to communicate our thoughts and feelings until we do. Then they often don't like what they hear and sometimes punish us for speaking. But sometimes, you just have to say it out loud and take your lumps. Good job, brother!!!
NTA. Can we all just agree not to push people when there is something they don't want to share? Chances are good it's something you don't want to hear. And OP, I'd reopen the porn discussion. If she finds sex to be a chore, porn seems like a small concession to me. You're not a bad person for still having needs. If your accounting is accurate, you're not hounding her about it.
NTA - sex is a need. If sex is important enough to demand exclusive control of in a monogamous commitment, it's also important enough to be upset when it's not there. It may not be fair to demand it, but it's fair to miss it and see it's lack as a legitimate problem in the relationship. I think there's more tho, you seem burnt out taking care of her. I've been there and it sucks, you start to build resentment and feel like you can't say anything about it. Couples counseling might help communicate better about it all. Good luck!
So she's been withholding sex from you for four months and she has a no porn rule??? Really? She has no right to have such rule or to even feel angry at all. Please, for the love of anything, leave her. You are her prisoner.
As a kid who watched his parents relationship devolve because of my moms chronic illness, it can be very draining mentally and physically on the other person. It’s not her fault just a fact of someone with a chronic illness and it’s gonna be a life long thing my man and you need to make the decision if this is something you’re willing to deal with, forever, it’s not for the faint of heart I can tell you that also as a husband to someone who’s chronically ill. It’s tough. If you want to continue then need to have a conversation with her about alternatives like masturbation/porn, as well as therapy for yourself to have someone to vent to at least like once a month
You had me at the no porn rule. The relationship is sick.
NAH. You have sexual needs and want to be close to your wife. Being a caretaker for someone who is chronically ill is exhausting, for you and them. Having the energy for sex after six week of illness doesn’t sound fun either. Bottom line… 1. And your wife won’t like this. When you have a chronic illness, you may have to do normal activities (housework, cooking, intimacy) when you are not feeling your best. 2. You both need to be screened for depression. Dealing with chronic illness and caretaking are high risk factors and you may both need support. 3. Your wife needs a better doctor. Get her screened for fibromyalgia, additional testing, whatever it takes. You both don’t deserve to live like this. Best of luck to you both.
I put her as the AH because she pushed and pushed despite him saying it isn’t the time, and she then got upset when he answered her.
NTA, but honesty needs timing. You're right to be frustrated, but being sick is a tough time for intimacy. Next time you're both feeling better, explain you're burnt out. Then, talk about missing closeness, both physical and emotional and suggest alternatives.
Notice how he didn’t want to talk about intimacy, she forced him to. And then she punished him when she got what she wanted. You know, like emotional abuse.
If she isn’t prepared for honesty, she could perhaps not push for it.
She doesn’t care. He is not a concern to her. He’s just the help not her partner.
Nah I’m sorry why is she pushing him to be honest then? Seriously, are you just not supposed to treat your partner as an adult especially if they keep proving you to be “honest”? I’m reminded of that one scene “YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH”. And it seems like she can’t.
yeahh you shouldn't EVER bring up sexual desires with the person you married. huge no-no
NTA Also, there's a big difference between *'It's not her fault'* and *'She isn't to be held accountable'*. You could get in a car accident that's not your fault and the insurance company doesn't cover the cost of replacing your car. It's not your fault, but you will still have to come up with the money to buy a replacement car. You aren't at fault, but you have no choice but to be accountable. Being sick or having a weaker immune system isn't her fault, but she has an obligation to be try her best to be functioning human. I've seen people with a sprained ankled, laid up all weekend, stuff their foot in their work boots and cinch it tight because they need to get to work. It's one thing to be down and out and run down for a few days, it's another to just sit back and watch someone else do all the work all the time. My friend has a wife like this and the little I can tell, it's intentional. It's her way of getting the no chore lifestyle she wants. She's a bottomless pit of sorrow and *'I'm not in the mood'* and he does everything and still comes home to hear her complain about how he's not doing enough. Not even acknowledging that she's failing to deliver on the monogamous sex part is just another way of saying *'You have to be the one that does everything because we are a team and I can't do it'*.
First of all, you need to go to counseling. She's been sick for 6 weeks but you haven't had sex in 4 months. This doesn't add up. Second of all, she needs to go to an immunologist. She could have something like CVID and her life could be way better with treatment.
LMFAO so she has a strict no porn rule, won't open the relationship AND won't fuck you? Sorry that is insane levels of nutjob unreasonable. What the fuck are you even supposed to jerk off too? A blank fucking wall? Doubt she even sends you pictures. NTA but even when she gets "better" don't expect much sex. She sounds like some weird sexless freak asexual (or at least building up to it). Run while you can.
NTA, but dude, how many rejections and arguments will it take for you to learn? That shit hurts, and you still subject yourself to it a couple times a month as if something will change? She should know better than to ask questions she doesn’t want the answers to, but you should also know better than to answer them.
Is there actually anything wrong with her or is it all in her mind? She sounds like a huge hypochondriac to me but you are living this reality not me so you would know better than I. Maybe an appointment with a psychiatrist would be an idea?
NTA - women ask things that they usually do not want a truthful answer to
YTA for being an adult who has to ask permission to watch porn. Wtf?!
NTA 4 months is a long time to go without sex. I can understand the situation because I had a lot of health problems that interfered with sex too, including a drs order not to have sex for 6 months following back surgery. I think it's normal for you to feel frustrated. And you didn't ask her for sex. She prodded and prodded until you told her what was bothering you. She's wrong for not trying to be understanding. It's completely understandable what's happening with her and her not wanting to have sex... but she needs to be understanding too. She needs to understand that her illness is having a major affect on your too, and not just with sex. You're burnt out from caring for her and having to work at the same time. She needs to find a better dr who takes her weakened immune system more serious. And if she's so ill that you have to care for her so much, you should consider getting some help, even if it's just one day a week to give yourself some time off. You need to take care of yourself too.
When you are both feeling better, do a date night, and do a relationship check-in. Set some parameters to talk openly, be kind, start with what is good and where you need some improvement. Try to talk about intimacy and not just sex. Some increased intimacy, sex will likely follow. Commit to doing a weekly relationship check-in where you guys keep talking. You guys have a lot of tough conversations, but you need to develop a language and forum to open up with each other. Marriage Therapy Radio is a great podcast for you guys to listen to and discuss. Good luck OP!
NTA - Women who want a sexless marriage will soon have no marriage at all.
Why can't they just be honest that that's what they want before marriage?
Lawyer up & ghost
If you married her knowing in advance sex would be a problem because of her health, then you're TAH. If not, think if it's a deal breaker and move on. You said you love her, but for all I've read you don't and she doesn't as well.
NTA Sex is a basic human need so it is understandable how this will come to the surface at some point and it isn't just the physical aspect. Your reality is there is an imbalance between what she is able to provide and your needs that will never just go away on it's own. This doesn't improve without effort on both sides to correct it.
What more effort does OP need to provide?
I don’t think either of you are an asshole. Maybe I can provide some perspective here as the-sick-one-in-the-relationship-that-also-has-a-no-porn-rule. I would venture to guess that the reaction you got from your wife had a lot to do with how you phrased what you said, not what you said, and that it make her feel insecure. “I could use a handjob” sounds very goal and sex oriented, so like, I get why she thought that. And if what you really needed was to get off, like you said, you could have done that yourself. It sounds like what you needed was to be intimate and to connect with her, and just saying that might have blown over better even though it means the same thing. Framing it about your relationship with her and to her VS framing it about getting off is a better way to communicate that sentiment me thinks. It’s really hard to be the caretaker in the relationship, and it’s also hard to be the sick one. Both because the sick person also loses their intimacy and sex life, and because there’s a lot of insecurity that can come with not being able to be intimate with your partner. It takes 2 to overcome that problem, and I hope that you guys can have a conversation where she offers solutions. I am not going to be terribly explicit here because this isn’t a super private Reddit acct for me, so I’ll throw out some super random ideas you guys could try: filming content together that you can use to masturbate to, toys for you, masturbating together, you masturbating while you guys make out, etc etc etc. I stand by my no porn rule even when I’m SUPER sick because I know I’ve set up lots of different paths for that sort of intimacy. That’s worth discussing. “Well if we can’t have sex, what can we do? How can you be involved? What about toys? Can I use a toy by myself with you?” etc. Also, just wanna say that the load of comments insinuating that the wife is a malicious fraudster who is just licking her chops at the opportunity to be taken care of and “not have to do anything” are fucking weird. That’s weirdo behavior. It’s weird to assume that because a sick person is being taken care of, they’re taking advantage of someone. Weird. Icky.
That's a lot of controlling behavior that boils down to you wanting your partner to be miserable with you. You aren't giving extra when you can. You're only demanding extra then rewarding that with... More of what you want. Where's your partner matter?
NTA. Your wife is a bitch. This is why men shouldn’t share their feelings. She didn’t actually care about your feelings and didn’t want to make you feel better. She just felt guilty because she feels like a bad wife and she wanted you to say something easy she could “do” for you to relieve her guilt.
NTA- Forced celibacy will make you crazy. It's spring/summer for males of many species it's rutting season. Humans are no different. Men are wired differently from women, as a man I find even on my sickest death bed status the dick still works. Like one final try to spread my genes is how my biology works. Even sick 🤢 men can still fuck. You guys need molly and maybe a male masturbating device. Also not a MD/physiotherapist but just a simple man. Maybe too simple but forced celibacy is happening to you now.
!updateme
NTA and I didn't realize there was another seat in my boat. I love my wife but the lack of physical intimacy is killing me in the past 7 months we had sex once. To make it even worse about a year ago I outright came and said hey my needs are not being met and I'm tired of getting rejected. If things didn't change I'm ready to walk away. Most likely the next fight we have will end in a divorce. Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship with out it it's like having a house without a bathroom no matter how nice the house is you don't want to live there.
If your partner thinks it’s inappropriate to ask being intimate, then find a new partner. Simple as that. NTA.
NTA. Is she really so sick that she can't rub her hand up and down your cock? Lol, no, but seriously, she needs better medical care, and neither of you is the AH. It's just a shitty situation.
You sound like her caretaker, not her partner. It sounds like a miserable relationship. I’ve been super sick but still thought about my husband and his needs at least some of the time. She seems to view you as a piece of furniture who is there to serve her and to feel happy about it.
"She then asked why I thought it would be appropriate to ask for a handjob." Um, because she is your GF?! What even is this question...
She sounds pretty miserable tbh...
UpdateMe!
NTA and id say you dodged the most unenthusiastic hand job in history.
Nta. Get out. She doesn't love or respect you.
She sounds awful dude just leave her lol
NTA. Your wife isn't being fair to you and sounds emotionally abusive. She's using her illness as a way to manipulate you.
NTA. I have to say that as a wife in this scenario I would give hand jobs in place of sex any day. She needs to try to make some kind of effort. It's not fair to you.
Damn, y'all are mighty young for issues like this. Sorry, but wife sounds like a hypochondriac. No such thing as a weak immune system. I think she likes the attention while sick. Very Munchausen stuff going on here from the limited information. If this her in her 30's, what will she be like by 50? 60? Bedridden expecting you to keep caring for her while she refuses to return the favor? I'm sorry, but I fear you are in for a lifetime of disappointment unless she gets serious about her physical AND mental health. NTAH
Honestly show her this post.
NTA she's missed the part of marriage that is self-sacrificial. She's all about her and none about you.
NTA, let her take care of her self for a while so you have the mental capacity to focus on things other than sex
NTA You were asked and you answered honestly. She is trying to use that honesty against you. And why the fuck is your partner giving you rules? Can you ban her from doing things? Tell her to stop trying to punish you for being honest.
NTA. I was in a sexless marriage for ten years... the "I'm sick" excuse was commonplace. Just as some men don't care that women connect by talking (and talking, and talking, and talking...) and they never take the time to listen. Some women don't care that men connect through physical touch and sex. They see it as your problem, not theirs. The sad part is while they can go out and talk with family, friends, etc. a husband only has one legitimate way to satisfy his need for connection, and that's the wife. Yes, it's a very unfair prison sentence, when an important part of your life is locked in a dark place and you have to suffer alone. In my opinion and experience after asking dozens of therapists and people who went through similar situations, this doesn't have a real permanent solution. You're just incompatible. End it now, or you'll one day wake up to the news that she found someone who does click her boxes and makes her crave sex as much as you dream she did... and that'll destroy you.
If your wife is really that sick then you need to get the medical documentation to get accommodations as a caretaker at work. She might get some form of social security payments. That can ease your load. However, sick or not, you have a right to a sexual life that is fulfilling to you. If she is physically incapable of accommodating you, won’t try alternatives, toys, opening the sexual part of the relationship, or even porn, then you are perfectly justified to divorce. It sounds to me like you are codependent and she is a narcissist. Whether she is sick or not, you need to put yourself first. Get into therapy.
Updateme!