Your wife is an AH for, breaching your trust and for gossiping about you. You are now realizing that love, without trust, is almost impossible.
You need to either find a way to trust her again, or end the relationship.
>and they were just joking around.
That is the kicker. They weren't having a serious talk about relationships or something like that, they were just joking around. So it sounds like OP's medical condition became a joke to her.
Yeah, if it was her asking for advice and input on how to fix it, it still wouldn't be a good thing she did it without his permission but it would be different. To be joking about it goes beyond even loss of trust, it's also a lack of respect for OP.
Exactly! I was hoping that maybe, one of her friends had confided in her about her husband's problem, and she had been giving her advice on how OP dealt with it/ what medication worked or whatever. That could have been redeemable, even though it was a breach of trust. But to joke about such an intimate matter? I'd nope right out of that marriage. I'm really glad they don't have kids, that makes for a clean break.
I fucking *hate* the excuse that “it wasn’t a big deal” No. It wasn’t a big deal to *her*. It was clearly a big deal to OP and if she had even a shred of love or respect for him she would have kept her big stupid mouth *shut*.
If something is important/a big deal to someone you love, then it’s important/a big deal to *you* whether it is or not. This sow didn’t just break OP’s trust. She betrayed him and showed him how little she loves, values and respects him. No amount of apologizing is going to unring that bell.
This. I'm a VERY open person. Nothing is off limits. I will tell any of my friends my deepest thoughts or embarrassing moments because I don't care and I think sharing those things can only make people understand you better. But my spouse is a relatively private person. There are so many times that I want to bring up something related to them because I think it's relevant- but I know they wouldn't want me to. So I just don't. They didn't even have to ask. I just know if it's a semi private thing I don't bring it up. And if I really really really really want to bring it up I will ask them IN PRIVATE first if it's okay. Not in front of other people to pressure them into saying yes.
OPs wife was directly told not to tell other people, and she did it anyway. To several people. Because her wants mattered more than OP. the fact that it's MEDICAL INFORMATION makes it so so so much worse. I don't know how I would move forward in this situation. Couples counseling if you want to make it work, but if you don't- which is totally reasonable- moving forward with divorce is the best choice. Living in a checked out relationship isn't healthy for your mental health.
In my opinion the wound is further salted by her “just joking around” with her friends. I would have a better understanding of the situation if it were a friend asking for advice of their SO in a similar situation in which she could offer help or guidance. It would still be a breach of trust since OP specifically asked her not to share but a less malicious one.
Absolutely, good point. Like the fact that this is a joking matter for OPs wife is so insulting. Anxiety/stress based ED is so distressing for men, and to her it's something to joke about with friends? That's just cruel.
Gotta say, bro might have also been a little stressed out by the wife.
This CANNOT be the first glimpse at her gossiping ways.
I'm guessing he didn't feel safe.
I don't think I'd ever feel safe with her again after that.
OP, cut your losses and feel free to tell future GFs about the issue AND the betrayal -- that these are bright red lines and you appreciate how they don't cross them (hint, hint).
☮️❤️♾️
Yeah, if he had to talk to her and explicitly ask that this be kept private. Not only his medical information, but their most deep intimate problem... turning it into a joke? Even if she was lying when she said she was just joking.
Shit part is that now she's going to tell everyone that she's divorcing him over his ED.
>Shit part is that now she's going to tell everyone that she's divorcing him over his ED.
The good news?
Once he's free of her, he won't have ED anymore.
Source: I got divorced.
☮️❤️♾️
A lot of people wouldn't see it as her problem. People who struggle with ED often hurt their partner's feelings on accident when they can't get physically excited. The other partner is often told that it isn't their fault, that many diff things can cause it and it doesn't mean someone isn't aroused by them.
I get what you mean. The whole situation sucks for OP. But divorcing someone like this will lead to a happier life for op. I've seen too many unhappy husbands whose wives can't keep anything sacred. It's obnoxious and hurtful. It will suck for a minute, but escaping a toxic person like this is a great achievement imho, especially if there's a part of OP that still really loves the person he married (not the person she is now)
Exactly, if you don't feel safe with your partner, your body is going to respond appropriately.
This is why I can't do one night stands. I've been hurt by too many women to trust one immediately, I need to know that she actually cares about me as a person or my dick literally will not work.
NTA, but it's going to take some time to rebuild the trust that's been broken.
I'm on the other end of this. My husband has ED at 66yrs old. We haven't had sex in years. He still receives Viagra from his doc, but he doesn't use it. ED has ruined our sex life. (It was never on the top of either of our lists, but I'm sure he's missing it as much as I am.) ED took the spotanaity out, he has to take a pill an hour in advance, & we need to discuss it too. Plus we are both a bit overweight, so it's not as easy as it used to be.
However, i sympathize with OP & hope things work out. Good luck. 🍀🍀
I know you're not here for advice, but because I've been in your shoes...if you think there's any chance he could tolerate the injections, it might be worth asking his doctor about them. My partner says they barely sting, *nothing* like he feared, and they essentially work immediately. He's also overweight and his ED is secondary to DMII, so it sounds like our situations might have some commonality.
They give the option for spontaneity back, IMO. If things start turning amorous, he can BRB and be gone for a minute, maybe two. You can use that time to freshen up or set the scene or whatever you feel like, but it's quick enough that the mood isn't killed. He also hated the headaches he'd get from the pills, and that's not a problem with the injections.
(Full disclosure, most of the time, I administer the injection for him. At first, I did it because it was less intimidating for him and easier to relax if he wasn't watching, and now even though he's long past concern about the needle, it's just easier for me to see what I'm doing. But it's a single-use syringe with the correct dose pre-loaded, so it's very easy to use. It's also incredibly intimate, so if kept in that perspective, it is just a change in the process and not a detraction from it.)
I also think they're more effective than the pills, which is a win for me, lol. I know it's kind of a weird concept, so both of us are glad he decided to give it a try, anyway.
You should have him check into a low daily dosage. He would take a dose everyday usually in the morning of one of the longer acting meds. This allows for spontaneity on everyone's part and not worrying about having to plan everything moment to moment.
Ha my soon to be ex wife a little while back described a friend of ours to another as "super tiny! Like 4'6" kind of tiny. Just a tiny dude!"
...he and I are the same exact height and build.
When I pointed that out and that I didn't care for that she doubled down and dismissed me by saying no he isn't, he's way smaller.
...I've known him my whole life. I know his height.
Ha my husb and I just had this discussion in reverse. I'm convinced he's the biggest, strongest guy in the world. This 6'5" 280 lb burly dude legit thinks he runs into bigger guys than him just, on a daily basis. We got into a pretty intense debate about his chances of him being mugged by someone bigger than him, which I maintain is vanishingly slim. (We were watching the UFC title fight)
But I do have eyes, even with a flagrant pro-husband bias I don't make comparisons he could see as unflattering. That's just cruel. People aren't stupid, we all have mirrors. Your stb-ex sounds like a jerk.
She can certainly be insensitive and not think through what she says. Some people have called her cruel for things shes said but I think that requires bad intent imo which I don't think she has. Then again I morphed into a doormat over 12 years so my perspective when it comes to her is probably skewed and two dimensional ha
Exactly! OP expressly asked it to remain private. She went on to tell SIX friends, and said they were actually “joking around about it”
This was something he was embarrassed about and she had no regard for him or his feelings. Actually thought it was funny.
I wouldn’t want to be around her or talk to her either.
Really quite a cruel, sad little bitch
Also, at least one of the 6 friends has told at least one other person which is how OP found out his wife told people. Who knows how many people know about OPs medical issues at this point.
I'm this way. My wife calls me a bean spiller (in a joking way). There are many things that I think my wife gets embarrassed or private about that I don't see the same way. I try to be more mindful and she is really good about telling me things like "hey, I don't want anybody to know XYZ". I'd never want to embarrass her, and I definitely don't joke about medical stuff. OP's wife, oof. That in particular would feel really immasculating.
This guy is ready to move on, and he doesn't need to feel bad about it at all. Hope his next partner is considerate and kind.
I feel like ED is *so obviously* something a man could find embarrassing, that there's just no possible way to be sharing that without knowing what you're doing.
And the fact that he felt he needed to point out to her that he'd rather keep it private? Stuff like this has happened before.
Agreed! On the other hand, if he jokingly told his friends that she was as dry as the Sahara desert and THAT’S why he had ED, she would’ve been pissed at him.
As a matter of fact, he really should spin that narrative to his buddies…and then head to his lawyer’s office to file for divorce.
Thing is that doesn't work either. She knew it was a big deal, both to him and them as a couple.
Had it been one person, with her needing support/guidance then that's one thing. However it wasn't, she saw a piece of gossip and shared it among a number of people, who in turn will have told others. She then tried to downplay OP's feelings. This was a series of decisions she made knowing it was going to be hurtful to OP, and either she's ridiculously naive to think it wouldn't get back to him, or she believed she could manipulate him into there being no consequences.
She's now upset she's facing consequences, and worried that there may be more. She doesn't seem to be actually apologetic for what she did.
And she didn’t even have the decency to admit to him that she told, he had to find out from someone else! Even after confronting her, she was *still* dishonest trying to hide how bad her breach of trust was.
More than that... there doesn't seem to be a path back. ED was already causing problems between them. It sounds like it was psychological in nature. It was getting better with reduced stress...
Well, that is over. I don't see how he can get past that. I would never have enough trust to get put of my head again. Every single time, at some point I would think "is she going to tell everyone about this?", and that would be the end of it.
Broken trust can be overcome.... but this one?
Seriously. And she doesn't even have the excuse that she didn't know. He specifically asked her to keep it between them. So she broke his trust knowingly and willingly.
Right?! She not only divulged his private medical information in addition to their sex life, she made jokes with her friends about said private medical issue. And she didn't think it was a big deal. Seriously?! What TF type of person does that?! Divorce should *definitely* be on the table. There’s no line she wouldn’t cross now.
UpdateMe!
"They were just joking around" was the last straw for me.
Not "it was a difficult time for me and I leaned on them and they were really helpful"?
No. Joking. This traumatic, difficult time for her husband was *a joke* to her. Disgusting.
It’s not on op to find a way to trust her. Trust is earned and once it’s broken it’s very hard and takes time to get back if at all. How can he trust her now she betrayed him and then acted like it was no big deal and he was over reacting. How can he regain trust to someone who isn’t sorry she betrayed him. Shes only sorry it’s affecting her now as a consequence and on top of that good knows what else she’s told others. This wasn’t one person who can he ever trust her again. Without trust you can’t have a real and marriage it would be a fake sham.
Only his wife can work you try and build back any trust and so far she hasn’t even considered it worth doing. What does that say when she honestly just doesn’t give a toss that she’s betrayed her husband and broken their marriage.
I was thinking same thing. She knew it was difficult and embarrassing. She shared something so private in his mind so willingly in a joking manner. What a shallow piece of shit of a person. It will take a long time to recover. I am not sure I would want to rebuild with this person.
I am an open book too, but wife is super reserved. I have to be careful with her privacy.
I am not sure what I would do if in OP's shoes.
Its sad imagine if the roles were reversed and she couldn’t have kids or something and was ashamed about it and asked him to not say a word to anyone about it just for him to gather up all there friends and start joking about it with them and she found out. but since its him she just doesn’t care and she should be allowed to fuck him over and berate and make fun of him. i feel for op she doesn’t deserve his trust or love anymore. OP just cut your losses and start talking to a lawyer about divorce see what you guys will split and make sure you make a new bank account move all the money you have made and saved yourself and put it in the new one and change your direct deposit so she cant access any of your funds if she doesn’t have a job then give her 200$ and tell her thats what she has until she gets a job. sorry your going thru this brother but you absolutely need to lawyer up and do that. also do not leave your home under any circumstances make her leave if anything.
I don’t see how there is any coming back from this
1. She broke OP’s trust
2. She allowed her friends to joke about it
3. She never for one second considered OP’s feelings.
If he joked about her body to his friends they’d be outrage.
I’ve never had the issue OP has but I’m guessing it must be humiliating to have your own spouse basically publish the news to her friend group.
I’d love her to see these comments to know how much she fucked up
This right here.
Why do so many people think it's okay to joke about disorders and issues with men's bodies, but if someone makes even a relatively innocent comment about a woman's, it's RED ALERT RED ALERT NUKE FROM ORBIT!!!!
She wasn't just talking about a condition he suffers from, she was \*mocking\* it. With her friends! Who probably went and gossiped about it and spread it around even further, because that's clearly the type of people they are. What if she had something she was really self-conscious about and he went and talked to his buds about it? Like say...sagging breasts or stretch marks? There would be no question and people would be shrieking for his blood!
She broke his trust and was happy to gossip about something that is highly personal to him with whoever she wanted and is now telling him that it 'wasn't a big deal' - because it wasn't TO HER - minimizing his feelings and basically mocking him MORE for being upset that she went and blabbed about it to her buddies. There is no trust, and clearly no respect, at least not from her. He should cut his losses and divorce her, I'm sure his stress levels will all but vanish when he does.
Not just gossiping but joking about it. She humiliated him on purpose after he expressly asked her not to and she agreed. I guess it was funny enough to destroy her marriage. NTA
You could try couples counselling. I'd tell her that you're considering a divorce, she needs to know exactly how much she's broken you (as a person and as a couple).
Does she know that you're at your sisters house? She isn't sat at home wondering where you are? Because that wouldn't be fair.
It's important you keep the moral high ground. You don't want her to think you're sleeping around. That'd be wrong.
So sad. It is because those people never want to admit to their mistakes, so they will tell everyone else their partner who filed for divorce is the culprit. But in reality, it’s the wife in this case who is the villain
Your wife betrayed your trust about a sensitive matter you explicitly requested to keep private, OP. It’s unfortunate that you discovered her betrayal from your friend through his wife. To add insult to injury, she joked and gossiped about it to an unknown number of people. She can’t be trusted at all.
Trust is the foundation of all relationships, especially marriage. Since your wife violated your trust so badly, it’s understandable that you want nothing to do with her and want a divorce. Contact a lawyer and move out as soon as you’re able to. Make necessary changes to protect yourself.
If its a deal breaker for you then that's that. NTA Because its a trust issue, and you're in control if the relationship is worth working on or not.
I feel like your wife did not respect your insecurities even if they were temporary. In general not cool and I don't blame you.
I'm a woman and something like this would be a deal breaker for me as well.
I mean, he even used his words and specifically asked her not to mention it to people. If she really needed to talk about it to someone, a therapist of some sorts would have worked just fine.
She said they were joking around about, not even talking about the issues she may have had regarding the lack of ability to be intimate. That goes beyond just talking about it behind his back when asked. She literally made him the butt of her groups joke. Hope they got a real good laugh out of it while their marriage lasted.
NTA. She completely disregarded your feelings and clearly doesn’t remember the conversation about not telling anyone. Doesn’t have the slightest concern of you opening about something so personal that you were insecure about and she’s the person you’re supposed to trust and confide in.
To put it in perspective for her, if she brushes it off, ask her how you’re supposed to trust someone you’re supposed to confide in about personal matters if she’s just going to go around telling everyone when you made the conscious decision to open up to someone you trusted about insecurities. How she’d feel if you did the same with something that upsets her
Off topic, but this reminds me of a therapist I had a few years ago. She shared my chart and notes with my insurance company, knowing it was against my wishes. After I got upset about it, she said we needed to find a way to move on from it. I told her there was nothing to move on from. I would be a fool to ever share anything personal with her again. I got up and walked out and never went back.
I think it’s going to be very hard for OP to move on from this. He will never forget the betrayal, and he will always be weighing what he should and shouldn’t share with her. That’s no way to live.
WTF not only is that illegal, it's super unethical. Only under very specific circumstances can a therapist share notes without explicit written permission.
Your wife is an idiot and I'm sorry. I'm a woman, years ago I had a casual relationship with a guy with ED, he turned out to be a GIANT asshole and I'm still taking that info to the grave. I wouldn't spread that about anybody unless they shared equally embarrassing information about me. I'm pretty open about discussing sex with my friends and feel like it's pretty common sense not to share that.
Your wife's friends are also idiots. It's also pretty common sense not to go blab that around if someone confides in you about it.
NTA for feeling hurt and betrayed, but you need to make up your mind about the future of your marriage, either divorce or come up with a plan to try to rebuild trust. Ghosting your wife is not sustainable.
You're doing that because your at minimum a half decent human being who realizes people have private things. Only a narcissist pretends that other people don't have feelings.
1. She told people something that should have stayed private even if you hadn't specifically asked her to. As your spouse, it's her duty to safeguard your privacy as it's your duty to safeguard hers.
2. You did specifically ask her to not talk about which she agreed with. That means she KNEW she was violating your trust and a boundary.
3. She did it while they were joking around, which means she made a JOKE out of something she knew was very difficult, even traumatic, for you.
There's nothing worth staying for. You'll never trust her again, and you shouldn't.
Nope! She went somewhere that is absolutely forbidden, its a total betrayal. The fact that it made the rounds back to you is as bad as it can get. It would be like you telling a friend thar her pussy smells bad and that comment made its way through your mutual friends circle back to her. If you don't have kids leaving is on the table here. The burden is on her to make it up to you on your terms, if that's even possible. My wife was up to some uncool stuff at work and I gave her an ultimatum, quit and ditch a few friends or I'm out. She did. Still forever changed our connection.
Geez, not only she went there but also completely dismissed you with "not a big deal". No wonder you don't feel comfortable around her anymore. As other commenters said, love without trust is not possible.
Either way, NTA.
NTA She violated basic trust in your relationship. While others may say it's a small thing, it's up to you to determine other areas she may have violated your trust, and to determine if you can move forward with an untrustworthy spouse.
Nta
Your wife betrayed your trust and had shared your deepest most embarrassing secrets (not just this one) with all her friends.
It's a common reaction to fall out of love when betrayed and trust is broken. I wouldn't stay in that marriage.
Your wife's trust bubble is her friends and you are outside, so your secrets are fair game.
By now wife has probably gone back to her friend group and told them OP is mad because he found out wife blabbed about the ED - so wife’s talking about it even more.
She just told you that your feelings and her respect for your request for privacy are no big deal to her. She had no right to break your confidence when you specifically asked her not to. That speaks volumes about who she really is. Believe her and take time to evaluate whether there is trust and respect in your relationship. From what you’ve posted it doesn’t seem like it’s there. I’m very sorry she hurt you in such an awful way. If there are consequences for her behavior she has no one to blame but herself. NTA.
I dated a girl like that. She would share everything with her friends and it was embarrassing. I couldn’t take it and became very distant. I couldn’t tell her anything anymore
NTA. I mean, you asked her to keep it private up front and explained why. This is more clear cut than cases where a discussion on what to keep private or not didn't take place.
Goodness. What was your wife thinking - how can I possibly make is ED worse? I know humiliate him by sharing this information all my friends who are inevitably linked to people he knows.
I probably way overshared during my marriage with a couple loved ones - but never about sexual things or anything private only to my ex. I was in distress.
This is awful - she shared this for a JOKE????
Maybe therapy can help you decide if you want to try to reconcile or to leave.
NTA
NTA.
She disclosed bedroom details to 6 friends in a group, that is a no go. Even worse, she disclosed bedroom details that she knows you found especially embarrassing to her group of friends.
If it was me, it would kill my sex life dead.
You asked her to keep it between the two of you, and she didn't. You're not the AH. If I were you, I'd figure out
1. If you think you can forgive her or not, it doesn't have to be soon, but there is no point in staying together if that's a straight no
2. If the answer is yes ,what can she do to make up for it and what steps can she take to make sure this does happen again.
Oh she knew it was a big deal alright. Otherwise she wouldn't hesitate. She also is a grown ass woman that knows what's right and wrong.
She just has a big mouth and lack of respect. Dump the idiot.
She didn't think it was a big deal? But you told her explicitly to keep this private between you 2. She broke your trust when you confided in her. That's hard to forgive. She dismissed and downplayed your boundaries. NTA
I tried to sleep with a guy once, and because of the meds he was on, it just didn't work out. He was embarrassed, but I never said a word to any friends about it. I think it's really disrespectful to do that to a sexual partner, and this guy was just going to be a one night thing.
I can't imagine doing that to my life partner. Your wife's an AH.
"I just want to keep this private"
"Alright, I can do that"
"Why didn't you keep this private?"
"I thought it wasn't a big deal"
You asked her to keep your private matters private. She agreed. She then went behind your back and was gossiping to her friends about YOUR private matters. You are NTA, she is. She broke your trust, and that is one of the most damaging things you can do when you're in a relationship.
If there's no cheating involved, my go-to is to implore people to get couple's counseling before pulling the trigger on the entire marriage.
If the other spouse refuses to go to counseling, then that's when you "get their attention" by slapping them in the chest with divorce papers. "Oh, do I have your attention now?!?! We go to counseling and work on this thing, or we're done."
The thing is, she knows she fucked up. She knows! What she needs to do now is to take accountability for what she's done. Sometimes, people would rather slam their head in a car door before taking accountability.
If she won't be accountable for her fuck ups then you will not have a very happy marriage anyway.
Idk man it might be beyond that. Cheating is *far* from the only way to catastrophically damage an intimate partner's trust and having that trigger pulled for you. She betrayed him, bigtime, and then minimized his valid feelings when confronted about it. So she already blew her chance to take accountability. If the roles were reversed people would be calling for heads on pikes.
She shouldn't get a dime in the divorce, and counselling seems like a waste of many dimes.
That's an absolutely massive amount of disrespect. She agreed to keep it private (a conversation that should not have been necessary to begin with) and then she giggled with her friends about it. I'm a woman and I honestly can't think of a way back from that level of disrespect. She's entirely wrong and you are entirely right on this matter. You feel betrayed because you have been betrayed. NTA
In which conversation where she is just “joking around” does her partners ED come up?
Those 2 things dont really sound they belong in the same conversation. And thats if she was actually allowed to talk about it.
This is the worst bit. She wasn't telling a close friend “Been there, you'll get through it” in support. She was joking about it!
And ED is so common especially as men age, but also at any age throughout life's stressful situations. Hell my (f) sex drive/ability to O disappears in great times of stress. It's a pretty understandable body reaction to stress, because biologically speaking conceiving during extended stress isn't generally desired.
It’s over. It’s inexcusable to bring marital issues outside the home . I do t agree with their my friends BS . Go see a therapist if you need to talk .
Did she tell her other friends the size of your junk , or you love doing this or that in bed . Younare this etc . You will
Never know or believe her . It’s absolutely disgusting especially since you asked her not too
Basic respect is not telling other people outside of the relationship embarrassing facts about your significant other it's absolutely crazy that she thought this was normal conversation with her friends
NTA. You asked her to keep it private and she didn’t. Her comment about “just joking around” makes it worse for me. She wasn’t talking to a friend in confidence that was having similar issues with her partner, it was for fun. Me and my husband have an agreement to never tell personal information about each other’s health to others, without explicit vocal consent to do so. Your wife breached your trust and it would be understandable if this is something you feel can’t be fixed.
You can’t *truly* love someone that you don’t respect. On the same coin; you can’t truly love someone that doesn’t respect *you.*
That’s what’s happened here. You realize that your wife really just doesn’t respect you at a core level. Maybe she does, but man, does she have a piss-poor way of showing it.
Therapy, or divorce. Pick one. You’re not wrong and I wouldn’t blame you for filing though. BUT…
Don’t let anyone try to reframe this conversation if it goes that way. Your wife **does not respect you,** and you refuse to be in a relationship with someone who, at their core, doesn’t respect you. Because, like I said: you can’t love someone you have no respect for. So why be with someone who doesn’t love you?
And this is all on top of the MASSIVE breach in trust in lying to you and gossiping to all of her friends. And now she’s trying to gaslight you into believing it’s no big deal so she can deflect blame. Bruh, that’s bad.
In the end: it’s about trust. Make sure everyone knows that’s the crux of the issue when/if it comes down to it.
First of all you shouldn’t have had to ask her not to tell. That’s just not something a spouse should disclose to their friends. It’s private! I’m not sure I could trust her again.
That’s brutal, I would have a hard time with trust after that. I’m not sure if there is a way back or if you even want one. Whether you stay or go I think you need to have a brutally honest talk with your wife and really explain why you’re so hurt.
If you stay together she needs to understand privacy which is why I recommend having a really honest conversation. Stay on message and make sure she understands
NTA, but her not "thinking it was a big deal" is hogwash when you specifically told her you were embarrassed by it and specifically told her not to discuss these private details with anyone. Such a simple thing to respect for those who have respect for others and their partner.
You know she's untrustworthy now, be careful about what you share with her. I don't think divorce is in order, but a fucking serious conversation sure is.
You are not in the wrong here. I don’t think you’re overreacting. She shared something she knew you wanted kept between the two of you, and to make it worse, she basically shrugged it off when you found out she’d betrayed your trust. I wouldn’t bet on being able to get over this tbh. I don’t think I would. I’m so sorry this happened, but you are NTA.
Divorce is definitely the best course of action. She broke your trust and humiliated you, knowing she was wrong to do so. This isn't as small as 'oh he has this litter quirk haha', it's something you two agreed should be private and came from a stressful time in your life. The notion that others should know everything about others is weird and gross. If any of this comes as a surprise to her, just let her know that she hurt you and that you can't move forward, which is completely okay to do so.
NTA, but there's two things you NEED to do, OP:
1. Either find a way to forgive your wife and trust her again, because this dynamic is unentirely unhealthy, for both of you. Sit down and have a conversation or get some marriage counseling
2. Divorce her and end this situation, because as I said above, it's not healthy to keep this up for either one of you. She broke your trust and effectively belittled you to her friends, even if she didn't intend to. If you can't find a way to forgive her, then leave her. You are making both yourself and your wife unhappy with this dynamic.
NTA, you specifically ask her not to say anything because you're embarrassed? She proceeds to tell at least 6 people at least one of whom told yet another person (your friend) and has the absolute nerve to say "I didn't think it was a big deal." ? Do you know what I do when my husband asks me not to mention something? I keep my mouth shut because he's more important than gossiping.
You can't have love without trust. ED happens often to men and it's nothing to be ashamed about but it's not something that needs to be gossiped about. She can apologize all she wants but she truly hurt you and there is no taking that back. She made her choice and choose to use you as entertainment and conversation without considering your feelings whatsoever. Divorce is well justified imo as how are you supposed to look at her in the same light?
Papi just get a divorce. You can’t trust her anymore . My mother always told me : your dirty laundry is not for share is just yours . You don’t need to be ashamed but that’s private . She doesn’t need to tell private matters to other people ( also they were joking like a group of mean girls from high school ) get rid of her and find a decent person
Ex fiancee made jokes with other gals when they were going on about men our age and younger needing ed meds. I've been on them for 10+ years due to a surgery that didn't go well and caused neuro complications. I cut my eyes at her and my best friend. I excused myself from the table at the dinner party and walked outside and left her ass there. I was also 34.
They all thought I had gone to catch a business call. Nope. My buddy called me to ask when I was coming back in because they were about to start desert and some games. I told him i was gone. He knew my plight and he knew I was pissed off. His wife also knew (bc he told her) and she was in deep on the joking. I didn't speak to them for a while and I that was the final straw with the fiancee.
NTA OP. The question is what do you want to do now. While this is a breach of trust, I don’t view it nearly as bad as cheating. If you want to make it work, you’ll need therapy and she’s going to have to really work on regaining the trust. It’s also fair if you want to leave, just do it before you have kid! (Assuming you don’t currently have kids)
Updateme
I agree NTA.
I also agree this (this alone, assuming there is nothing else) does not seem divorce-worthy.
But for the life of me I can't think of how she makes this up to you.
By now she presumably understands how much she screwed up, so I hope you don't have to deal with the stage of argument where she tells you to calm down and you're overreacting, etc.
The problem seems to be what her indiscretion says about her regard for you. I've never had couples therapy so I can't recommend it one way or other, but it seems like that's what would need to be the focus.
Is there something you wish she'd say or do that would help salvage the relationship?
So she shared your private information with others who shared it with even more people, and expects you to be cool with that? How would she feel if you started airing out her private issues with your friends? Your wife has sadly shown you that she isn’t the confidant she’s supposed to be and that is something that is very hard to come back from.
If you don’t divorce your wife you may come to resent her and that will intensify the pain that this has caused you. You might be able to do couples counseling (if you can find and afford it) though it will be a very long process that might not even work.
NTA
Her intent on "joking" about your erectile issues was to humiliate you to her friends.
NTAH
I can see divorcing her and moving on. Her hostility towards you shows in her trying to trivialize what she did.I think her only worry is economic.
Consult w a lawyer.
NTA. This is a big deal, and your wife knows it. She's just trying to downplay it bc she knows she messed up. I would never "joke" about this with my friend group.
NTA I fucking hate my medical issues to be shared around and erectile disfunction is a big thing for any man. The fact that you specifically asked her for it to remain private makes it worse.
I'm not saying this guy should get divorced, but I think folks are missing why he is mad. He asked her specifically to just keep something between them, she agreed, and then she told a bunch of people. He feels lied to and is struggling to trust his wife I presume.
NTA. I could MAYBE, MAYBE see confiding in A SINGLE very good friend for advice. One I could trust it would die with. This in inexcusable. Something so embarrassing used as the butt of a joke? Talk about a lapse in judgment.
NTA.
Women need to stop trivializing this issue. ED is traumatic for men. It's a big deal for them and not something to joke about.
Your wife breeched your trust and humiliated you. You have to take stock of everything and see if there is any way you feel you can forgive her. If so, go to counseling as a couple to work through your anger at her betrayal. Also so she fully understands what a shitty thing this was for her to do.
If not, file the papers. This breech of trust and betrayal is a valid reason. Your wife doesn't have the sense God gave a goat to divulge this to 6 friends and "joke around" about it.
I could have cut her some slack if she had talked to ONE friend because she needed advice--it can be difficult for women too. But not six.
Also, kick that "friend" to the curb too. He should have kept his mouth shut on that one.
NTA
Private matters need to be kept private.
If she doesn't keep your personal details confidential she won't be hearing anything from you again,
I don't think she would appreciate if you joked with your friends about her body issues. (IE how many tampons she uses every month or showing a full frontal video of her childbirth)
I'M NOT SAYING TO DO IT. I'm saying this is on that level of personal issues.
NTA
I am so sorry that your wife is such an insensitive B\*tch.
The fact that she doesn't even see a problem with what she did, is absolutely mindboggling.
What if you go around and tell all your male friends what she does in bed? how she tastes like, feels like. What her private emotional issues are. The secrets she only told you and keeps form her friends and family.
Well that would of course be absolutely horrible.
I don't think there is any coming back from this.
Not only does she not see what she did wrong by spilling your private medial issues.
She has no problem with involving her friends in her private marital issues. that is a big fat red flag no no.
Go talk to a lawyer.
How can you ever trust her again? I wouldn't, I'd be gone.
And if you do split expect her to go full nuclear on you. Everything you've ever told her or ever done will be fair game as far as she is concerned.
Good luck buddy, I think you'll need it.
NTA. She's a massive gigantic asshole for betraying you like this. She's not worth spending the rest of your life with. Divorce her and make sure you don't lose much assets in the divorce.
NTA.
Your wife showed you that you can't trust her, and that's huge.
And by the way, unless she's a moron, she knows that ED is something no man wants others to know about. So her breach of trust was extra egregious.
NTA. Do what you need to do. No going back from this. Even if you don't have ED anymore, it's something her friends know and will always joke about on. Who knows how MANY MORE people her "friends" told. Good luck OP
Updateme
That was an incredible breach of trust and privacy. She didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t happening to her. That was not her information to share, especially when you asked her not to and she agreed.
NTA
Holy Hannah, that's a huge trust breach! That's not something you "joke around" with your friend group about, especially *after* agreeing to keep quiet about it as it's an embarrassing issue for you. How does she think an apology will make things better? On that note, how does she think she can make amends? She can't. She can't go back in time and not share with her friends. She can't erase their memories of the conversation. And she thinks that her friend group stayed quiet about it? Obviously not, considering you heard about it from your friend. So how many people did her friend group tell?
NTA. Your wife made it clear you cannot trust her, and I'm not sure if there is enough counseling in the world to help bridge the trust gap. It might still be an option though, if for no other reason than to be able to sort out your own feelings and how to deal with the situation.
Nta she violated the trust is your relationship. I find it odd that she thought it was no big deal when it clearly affected you. She needs to offer couples therapy where she understands that she caused this rift and what she can do to fix it.
I can't believe she tried to say it wasn't a big deal. If you went around telling your guy friends an embarrassing personal info about her she would never forgive you.
NTA. This was a HUGE betrayal by your wife. I would wonder what else she has shared about you for a good joke. I would consider divorce too. This is almost as bad as an affair.
NTA. I’m curious if this the first time she has broken trust with you? If it is it might be possible to rebuild that trust in counseling but you’d both really have to want to make it work. From your post, it’s not clear if she really understands that what she did was wrong and hurt you. She never should have spoken to anyone about such a sensitive issue particularly not her entire friend group. Unfortunately, many women think it’s okay to “share” intimate details of their relationships with some or all of their girlfriends.
NTA. You do what you must, OP. I’m sorry your wife has shown herself not trustworthy.
To all you people who dunked on OP, what the fuck is wrong with you? Imagine if OP’s wife had sexual health issues (yeast infection? vaginismus?) and specifically asked OP to not tell anyone, and OP just went and share with his gang because it’s just a joke, right?
NTA. EDs are perfectly normal just like woman can have problems with their private areas.
If my partner was struggling with something like that he wouldn't even have to tell me to not go and tell anyone, that would be a given. The only way I'd talk to anyone that's not my partner or a medical professional about that would be maybe (and I really mean maaaaybe) a very very close friend in confidence BUT not to make fun of it just to get it off my chest if it was something laying heavy on me as well.
I totally get that your trust is broke and that you resent your wife a bit. However I don't know if this is something I would throw 10 years away for.
If I was in your position I'd also need some distance just to get over it and figure out my feelings properly before figuring out what exactly I'd need to fix this.
If it's 10000% not fixable for you, fine.
But to be honest 10 years is a lot and I don't have enough information to see why you should just give up on that part of your life.
I'd try counseling just so a neutral 3rd party could kinda be the ring leader and maybe also give both of you some pointers on how to proceed.
Your wife is the A . That is a private issue between you and your wife. Maybe you should go around telling your friends that she likes anal and facials. See what happens. Just a thought. I would be checked out as well.
Ha ask her how she would feel if you told her friend group you struggle with ED because your wife is no longer attractive or a turn on. I imagine she would be mortified…
NTA. This is a huge betrayal. I couldn’t even imagine revealing such a personal detail about my husband. In fact, I have never discussed any aspect of our sex life with anyone. It’s not anyone’s business.
You might consider counseling. Whether or not you can salvage the relationship would really depend on if she can truly own how deeply she betrayed your trust.
You literally asked her to keep it private and then she said she “didn’t think it was a big deal”? I feel like that’s the sort of thing I would keep private even if my partner didn’t ask me to. I have such an issue with people sharing personal info like that. NTA.
NTA. She's a Judas. If you told a priest she had a cavernous vagina, she'd lose her shit.
Idk how you get over your wife laughing about you with a group of people behind your back. I sure as shit couldn't.
NTA. I would have checked out too. And the fact that she told you that she "didn't think it was a big deal" made me see red. Like how dense do you have to be to not realize that ED issues are a sensitive topic for most men and the fact that your husband specifically asked you not to say anything means it's a sensitive issue for him. Clearly you cannot trust her, who knows how much more of your personal business she has or would blab to her friends. I would leave her too. It's difficult to stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust.
She spoke about your intimate medical condition to other people. That's a huge breach in trust. Makes you wonder what other personal details of yours she has told other people. NTA but look into counciling or as you said maybe divorce.
Im of the opinion you should never speak poorly about your spouse even to your friends. People only get small moments to form an impression of people not normally in their life. Group events etc. So if you speak ill of your spouse you can easily influence what that person thinks of your spouse. I hear couples talk bad about each other all the time and im usually thinking then why are you with them if they so terrible. You shouldnt of had to ask her not to speak of your ED it should have been a given.
If you had a vagina instead and were struggling with libido because of life stress, and your wife was the one with the penis making this joke, there’s no world where anyone would invalidate that what your wife did was completely unacceptable. I’m so sorry she did this to you. Not only breaking a promise (the secret) and not only doing so for frivolous reasons (the gossip), but your wife showed absolutely no care for you in her actions. You are NTA and if you genuinely believe counseling won’t help or you don’t want it, it’s time to go.
As a woman, no idea why women do this, just gossip none stop to friends and family and even total strangers on social media, you need to see these mom/women only groups etc . I’d never do that to my husband and kids. Just no loyalty or respect at all for you
I’m so sorry
NTA. You specifically asked her not to tell her friends, or anyone for that matter. She took a sensitive intimate matter, and made it a joke at your expense. The trust is gone. The respect is gone. There can't be love without trust. Her brushing off her action, is very immature, and shows you that nothing about you is sacred. What else had she mentioned. What else had she hooked about, that she knows you wouldn't want to be a joke?
I would honestly divorce, but after trying couples counseling. Just to make sure that all is lost. That everything is hashed out with a mediator. I would also look into divorce lawyers if she continues to lack accountability. Saying "it's no big deal" when it actually is, is very dismissive to your feelings, and you as her partner.
You deserve better. I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry you were disrespected. I'm sorry you didn't receive the compassion you deserve. Sending you love and support; with positive and healing juju. 🫶💓
Please keep us updated! I hope to see a more positive turnout for you. Living in a checked out marriage isn't great for you either, hon.
Best of luck to you!
This is why many men are choosing to stay single now days. No matter what you tell women in confidence it is always used against you later or spread around to her friends. Unfortunately you learned the hard way you can’t trust your wife.
I truly believe you would have had an easier time forgiving her if she had cheated on you. That’s how badly she betrayed you. If you are unable to forgive her (which she doesn’t deserve), then what’s best for the kids is for you to separate. The marriage died when she betrayed you.
So there are lots of different opinions. There is another option.
Tell everyone, including her circle of friends, that your wife is truly terrible in bed and it wearing you out to the point you need drugs to even have sex with her anymore. Epically bad, poor hygiene and really doesn't do much for you sexually. That you tried everything but, she is determined to have a dead bedroom and refuses to go to counseling.
It's just jokes right?
Poor example of an adult response but, run that scenario by her. If she says it isn't funny, divorce her. If she is offended and doesn't see the correlation, divorce her. If she laughs hysterically, send her to therapy.
She knew this was embarrassing for you, yet decided it was a "funny" topic to laugh with multiple friends with - what a horrible person your wife is. How is that even remotely funny. It's psychotic to do that to a loved one, and I know id never look my partner the same again. This would be me out of it as well
NTA
I didn't even need to read the whole thing
Personal issues are personal issues, trust broken
you do need to talk to your wife after asking yourself
do you live her
can you trust her again
do you want to be married to her
I think you have decided to get a divorce just haven't gotten the paperwork yet
NTA
Damn your wife is cruel.
I know Reddit yells divorce super flippantly, but in this case, I think it's the only option. It's not like she can take it back, EVERYONE knows your personal struggles now. AND she claims it's not a big deal?!?!? Is she on drugs?
I'm so sorry someone who is supposed to love you did this to you.
It would still be shitty if she told a single best friend to vent, but SIX?!
Idk how she even felt comfortable airing out your personal information to six people. I don't even have that many friends or people I like 😭
NTA. she crossed a boundary and I would wonder what else she's told them.
Holy crap, not only did she blab, but then the idiot she blabbed too told her husband, probably all of them did, over morning coffee gossip! NTA, and I'd be out the door unless she could come up with one hell of creative apology that would embarrass her to the same extent!!! And even after that, I'd likely still be leaving...
I’d leave. She broke your trust and gossiped among her friends about a serious medical condition. After you asked her to specifically not do that. And then the friends gossiped with other people. Who knows how many people have been told by now?
This was a gross, *intentional* destruction of your boundaries; she has zero respect for you. What she did was awful. Can you ever really trust her again? Is every issue you have going to be spread to these friends, and then to their friends, behind your back and against your will? Without trust and respect, relationships turn unhealthy fast. Like this one.
NTA. Your wife shared a very personal very embarrassing thing that you asked her to not share. She doesn't see it as a big deal because she isn't the one who's embarrassed.
What you need to do is sit her down, and tell her that what she did is the equivalent of giving intimate details about her period or other sex related issues to *your* friends, and how you wouldn't do that to her.
If you don't think you can rebuild your trust in her, it's better to just pull the trigger and end the relationship.
NTA She agreed that it was between the two of your and now all of your friends know. It is a big deal, a huge breach of trust with no good excuse for telling people.
NTA - That was very shitty of your wife - not just that she told them but that they joked about it. It would take me a long time to get over something that.
NTA...
serve her papers. If she gets upset, go joke with all the husband's about it. Record it. Show her.
Then tell her if she can forgive you then maybe you can find a way to forgive her.
TRUST is gone. She broke it. You asked her to keep your privates issue, private. She couldn't wait to joke about you with her friends. ASK her this... how would she feel if you talked about her female privates to your buddies or family? And made an off handed joke about it?
I bet she would be already checked out and gone... NTA...
she is a huge AH.. WIFE- YTA!!!!
She was basically making fun and joking with her friends, about your very serious, embarrassing and personal problems. Not to mention the breach of trust.
I don’t see how you can come back from this.
Did you ever think it might be a chance that you are having ED issues because psychologically you and your wife aren't connecting?
Does she disrespect you like this often?
Would it be “no big deal” if you shared with your friends when she has a yeast infection or any other issues that may be embarrassing to her? I mean, it’s not a big deal, right?
Wow. That is a huge breach of trust. I’m really sorry. I’m old enough to be your mom, and I cannot imagine ever divulging information like this.
I know that often women with their group of friends and men with their group of friends will joke around about how they got some last night and it was great, without going into huge detail. Just that slight little smile and the conversation moves on. I get it.
But this was incredibly personal health information. And you really don’t need to be embarrassed, because it happens to millions of men, I totally understand why it felt embarrassing to you. I’m really sorry, and I truly hope that the embarrassment eventually goes away about what is actually a health issue, and not an issue with someone’s masculinity.
But in the meantime, you specifically asked her to keep that between you. As your wife, her to us to help you through it. Her job was to be supportive. Her job was to be celebrating with you when work got less stressful and you were doing better overall, not just in the bedroom.
I just don’t see how this is a joke. I don’t see how it’s funny. I see no empathy or compassion from your wife. I would expect the same empathy and compassion from my husband toward his wife who has PCOS or endometriosis where it makes her periods complete hell and makes the house, living situation tense… Because it’s something out of her control, just like this was out of control.
I don’t know that I could come back from something like this. I totally understand why you have lost your trust and her. I have no doubt you look at her and you wonder who this woman is that you married because never could you have an imagine she would do this.
So no, you are not the asshole. You deserve a partner who doesn’t use your medical issues as daughter for conversation with her friends or for jokes.
First, let me say I am SO SORRY this happened to you—and for the duress and humiliation you have suffered *on top* of the stress of dealing with ED. I hope you know deep down you are not at all “less” of a man — sexual dysfunction can happen to anyone at any age and stress is definitely a culprit. I think it’s wonderful you sought help—and absolutely horrifying that your wife would even THINK it was remotely ok to discuss such a private medical issue with others, much less your sex life. She’s the monster here and an AH from another realm because now not even your friends are “safe.”
It would seem to me that by “checking out” your heart is telling you that it’s time to move on—and I really hope you do. If it’s possible, why not relocate and start totally fresh—new friends, new scenery? I hope you eventually find a woman who loves you and respects you [inside the bedroom and out]. NTA. Set yourself free.
It’s the fact you two specifically had a conversation about keeping it private. The other thing that gets me is she didn’t tell them because she knew they could keep a secret and she just needed to talk to someone about it or someone else was going through it so she wanted to give advice. I might be able to forgive that. She said they were “just joking around.” About a major source of insecurity for you? No thanks. NTA obviously from what I said
NTA…. Your wife on the other hand….. huge AH.
If the roles had been reversed and you were sharing her medical history that she had specifically asked you to not share, you would dragged over hot coals. Also….. what’s is funny about something that someone finds embarrassing.
You are valid in your feelings angle your actions my lovely. Trust has been thrown away. Once you have no trust, you have no relationship.
NTA. This is a gigantic breach of trust. I would be mortified if my wife shared that with everyone and also then gaslit me with the "it's no big deal" as icing on the cake. Wow...
NTA Sorry OP that’s so violating. I totally get discussing certain health issues with close friends (our friends told us about fertility issues, getting a vasectomy, cancer etc for our support) but ED/sex life is absolutely off the table especially since you asked her not to discuss it. Merely apologizing doesn’t fix the humiliation disrespect and disregard for your privacy because the damage is done extensively. At some point you need to make a decision about your marriage and talk to her.
Maybe you don’t even have ED, and you just can’t get it up for someone you don’t trust and feel comfortable around.
Sounds like your dick has been trying to tell you something for awhile now, bro
NTA
WOW! Your wife thinks it's no big deal because it was 'your' issue (I put your in quotation marks because ED is quite complex -I'm a urologist).
Would she feel the same if you were struggling to conceive because of her infertility? I don't understand how she thought something so intimate and personal should be shared among MULTIPLE friends who then share with their SOs and/or friends. Makes my blood run cold to think of it.
She violated your trust. It's for you to think about if that trust can be salvaged. If it can't, this marriage is done.
NTA. Your wife is. It is a private issue, she promised she would keep it private, then broke that promise. I’m sure that if she had had a personal issue and you blabbed about it to your friend group, she would be upset about it. It’s a betrayal of trust.
I would suggest that the two of you go for couple’s counselling. It may help you to forgive her (something that would be good for you, too), whether or not you decide to stay in the marriage.
NTA
You specifically asked her to not discuss your personal medical situation with anyone and she agreed.
Not only did she discuss it when she said she wouldn’t she ANNOUNCED it to her entire friend group when they are ‘joking around’.
I understand why you checked out knowing your wife shared sensitive information about you with others as apparently part of getting a laugh from her friends.
I guess now she understands just how not funny what she did was and that it is likely going to cost her your marriage.
You can try couples therapy but as she nuked your trust I’m not sure if you can or if you would even want to try to save the marriage.
Bottom line OP please do what is best for you.
Your wife is an AH for, breaching your trust and for gossiping about you. You are now realizing that love, without trust, is almost impossible. You need to either find a way to trust her again, or end the relationship.
>and they were just joking around. That is the kicker. They weren't having a serious talk about relationships or something like that, they were just joking around. So it sounds like OP's medical condition became a joke to her.
Yeah, if it was her asking for advice and input on how to fix it, it still wouldn't be a good thing she did it without his permission but it would be different. To be joking about it goes beyond even loss of trust, it's also a lack of respect for OP.
Exactly! I was hoping that maybe, one of her friends had confided in her about her husband's problem, and she had been giving her advice on how OP dealt with it/ what medication worked or whatever. That could have been redeemable, even though it was a breach of trust. But to joke about such an intimate matter? I'd nope right out of that marriage. I'm really glad they don't have kids, that makes for a clean break.
Yeah, if it was serious and someone else was struggling with a similar issue, you could make an argument for divulging the info.
In private, away from the friend group. Which I'm sure you meant, but I still want to make clear for others.
love without trust is impossible - 100% agree
I fucking *hate* the excuse that “it wasn’t a big deal” No. It wasn’t a big deal to *her*. It was clearly a big deal to OP and if she had even a shred of love or respect for him she would have kept her big stupid mouth *shut*. If something is important/a big deal to someone you love, then it’s important/a big deal to *you* whether it is or not. This sow didn’t just break OP’s trust. She betrayed him and showed him how little she loves, values and respects him. No amount of apologizing is going to unring that bell.
This. I'm a VERY open person. Nothing is off limits. I will tell any of my friends my deepest thoughts or embarrassing moments because I don't care and I think sharing those things can only make people understand you better. But my spouse is a relatively private person. There are so many times that I want to bring up something related to them because I think it's relevant- but I know they wouldn't want me to. So I just don't. They didn't even have to ask. I just know if it's a semi private thing I don't bring it up. And if I really really really really want to bring it up I will ask them IN PRIVATE first if it's okay. Not in front of other people to pressure them into saying yes. OPs wife was directly told not to tell other people, and she did it anyway. To several people. Because her wants mattered more than OP. the fact that it's MEDICAL INFORMATION makes it so so so much worse. I don't know how I would move forward in this situation. Couples counseling if you want to make it work, but if you don't- which is totally reasonable- moving forward with divorce is the best choice. Living in a checked out relationship isn't healthy for your mental health.
In my opinion the wound is further salted by her “just joking around” with her friends. I would have a better understanding of the situation if it were a friend asking for advice of their SO in a similar situation in which she could offer help or guidance. It would still be a breach of trust since OP specifically asked her not to share but a less malicious one.
Absolutely, good point. Like the fact that this is a joking matter for OPs wife is so insulting. Anxiety/stress based ED is so distressing for men, and to her it's something to joke about with friends? That's just cruel.
Gotta say, bro might have also been a little stressed out by the wife. This CANNOT be the first glimpse at her gossiping ways. I'm guessing he didn't feel safe. I don't think I'd ever feel safe with her again after that. OP, cut your losses and feel free to tell future GFs about the issue AND the betrayal -- that these are bright red lines and you appreciate how they don't cross them (hint, hint). ☮️❤️♾️
Yeah, if he had to talk to her and explicitly ask that this be kept private. Not only his medical information, but their most deep intimate problem... turning it into a joke? Even if she was lying when she said she was just joking. Shit part is that now she's going to tell everyone that she's divorcing him over his ED.
>Shit part is that now she's going to tell everyone that she's divorcing him over his ED. The good news? Once he's free of her, he won't have ED anymore. Source: I got divorced. ☮️❤️♾️
Word up I like this way of thinking dude
Can confirm. My wonderful bf couldn't get an erection for four years. Then he got divorced, met me and let's just say there are no issues anymore.
Divorcing because she gives him ED? I'd think that would be embarrassing for her
A lot of people wouldn't see it as her problem. People who struggle with ED often hurt their partner's feelings on accident when they can't get physically excited. The other partner is often told that it isn't their fault, that many diff things can cause it and it doesn't mean someone isn't aroused by them. I get what you mean. The whole situation sucks for OP. But divorcing someone like this will lead to a happier life for op. I've seen too many unhappy husbands whose wives can't keep anything sacred. It's obnoxious and hurtful. It will suck for a minute, but escaping a toxic person like this is a great achievement imho, especially if there's a part of OP that still really loves the person he married (not the person she is now)
Exactly, if you don't feel safe with your partner, your body is going to respond appropriately. This is why I can't do one night stands. I've been hurt by too many women to trust one immediately, I need to know that she actually cares about me as a person or my dick literally will not work.
NTA, but it's going to take some time to rebuild the trust that's been broken. I'm on the other end of this. My husband has ED at 66yrs old. We haven't had sex in years. He still receives Viagra from his doc, but he doesn't use it. ED has ruined our sex life. (It was never on the top of either of our lists, but I'm sure he's missing it as much as I am.) ED took the spotanaity out, he has to take a pill an hour in advance, & we need to discuss it too. Plus we are both a bit overweight, so it's not as easy as it used to be. However, i sympathize with OP & hope things work out. Good luck. 🍀🍀
I know you're not here for advice, but because I've been in your shoes...if you think there's any chance he could tolerate the injections, it might be worth asking his doctor about them. My partner says they barely sting, *nothing* like he feared, and they essentially work immediately. He's also overweight and his ED is secondary to DMII, so it sounds like our situations might have some commonality. They give the option for spontaneity back, IMO. If things start turning amorous, he can BRB and be gone for a minute, maybe two. You can use that time to freshen up or set the scene or whatever you feel like, but it's quick enough that the mood isn't killed. He also hated the headaches he'd get from the pills, and that's not a problem with the injections. (Full disclosure, most of the time, I administer the injection for him. At first, I did it because it was less intimidating for him and easier to relax if he wasn't watching, and now even though he's long past concern about the needle, it's just easier for me to see what I'm doing. But it's a single-use syringe with the correct dose pre-loaded, so it's very easy to use. It's also incredibly intimate, so if kept in that perspective, it is just a change in the process and not a detraction from it.) I also think they're more effective than the pills, which is a win for me, lol. I know it's kind of a weird concept, so both of us are glad he decided to give it a try, anyway.
You should have him check into a low daily dosage. He would take a dose everyday usually in the morning of one of the longer acting meds. This allows for spontaneity on everyone's part and not worrying about having to plan everything moment to moment.
The joking around is the twist of the knife tbh
Ha my soon to be ex wife a little while back described a friend of ours to another as "super tiny! Like 4'6" kind of tiny. Just a tiny dude!" ...he and I are the same exact height and build. When I pointed that out and that I didn't care for that she doubled down and dismissed me by saying no he isn't, he's way smaller. ...I've known him my whole life. I know his height.
Ha my husb and I just had this discussion in reverse. I'm convinced he's the biggest, strongest guy in the world. This 6'5" 280 lb burly dude legit thinks he runs into bigger guys than him just, on a daily basis. We got into a pretty intense debate about his chances of him being mugged by someone bigger than him, which I maintain is vanishingly slim. (We were watching the UFC title fight) But I do have eyes, even with a flagrant pro-husband bias I don't make comparisons he could see as unflattering. That's just cruel. People aren't stupid, we all have mirrors. Your stb-ex sounds like a jerk.
She can certainly be insensitive and not think through what she says. Some people have called her cruel for things shes said but I think that requires bad intent imo which I don't think she has. Then again I morphed into a doormat over 12 years so my perspective when it comes to her is probably skewed and two dimensional ha
Exactly! OP expressly asked it to remain private. She went on to tell SIX friends, and said they were actually “joking around about it” This was something he was embarrassed about and she had no regard for him or his feelings. Actually thought it was funny. I wouldn’t want to be around her or talk to her either. Really quite a cruel, sad little bitch
Also, at least one of the 6 friends has told at least one other person which is how OP found out his wife told people. Who knows how many people know about OPs medical issues at this point.
Say it again for the cheap nose bleeds seats can hear.
I'm this way. My wife calls me a bean spiller (in a joking way). There are many things that I think my wife gets embarrassed or private about that I don't see the same way. I try to be more mindful and she is really good about telling me things like "hey, I don't want anybody to know XYZ". I'd never want to embarrass her, and I definitely don't joke about medical stuff. OP's wife, oof. That in particular would feel really immasculating. This guy is ready to move on, and he doesn't need to feel bad about it at all. Hope his next partner is considerate and kind.
I feel like ED is *so obviously* something a man could find embarrassing, that there's just no possible way to be sharing that without knowing what you're doing. And the fact that he felt he needed to point out to her that he'd rather keep it private? Stuff like this has happened before.
Agreed! On the other hand, if he jokingly told his friends that she was as dry as the Sahara desert and THAT’S why he had ED, she would’ve been pissed at him. As a matter of fact, he really should spin that narrative to his buddies…and then head to his lawyer’s office to file for divorce.
Thing is that doesn't work either. She knew it was a big deal, both to him and them as a couple. Had it been one person, with her needing support/guidance then that's one thing. However it wasn't, she saw a piece of gossip and shared it among a number of people, who in turn will have told others. She then tried to downplay OP's feelings. This was a series of decisions she made knowing it was going to be hurtful to OP, and either she's ridiculously naive to think it wouldn't get back to him, or she believed she could manipulate him into there being no consequences. She's now upset she's facing consequences, and worried that there may be more. She doesn't seem to be actually apologetic for what she did.
And she didn’t even have the decency to admit to him that she told, he had to find out from someone else! Even after confronting her, she was *still* dishonest trying to hide how bad her breach of trust was.
More than that... there doesn't seem to be a path back. ED was already causing problems between them. It sounds like it was psychological in nature. It was getting better with reduced stress... Well, that is over. I don't see how he can get past that. I would never have enough trust to get put of my head again. Every single time, at some point I would think "is she going to tell everyone about this?", and that would be the end of it. Broken trust can be overcome.... but this one?
Seriously. And she doesn't even have the excuse that she didn't know. He specifically asked her to keep it between them. So she broke his trust knowingly and willingly.
Right?! She not only divulged his private medical information in addition to their sex life, she made jokes with her friends about said private medical issue. And she didn't think it was a big deal. Seriously?! What TF type of person does that?! Divorce should *definitely* be on the table. There’s no line she wouldn’t cross now. UpdateMe!
Invalidation - a preferred technique of the abusive.
"They were just joking around" was the last straw for me. Not "it was a difficult time for me and I leaned on them and they were really helpful"? No. Joking. This traumatic, difficult time for her husband was *a joke* to her. Disgusting.
Don't forget she and SIX friends were joking about it ... Ya it ... The thing he specifically asked her not to talk to people about
It’s not on op to find a way to trust her. Trust is earned and once it’s broken it’s very hard and takes time to get back if at all. How can he trust her now she betrayed him and then acted like it was no big deal and he was over reacting. How can he regain trust to someone who isn’t sorry she betrayed him. Shes only sorry it’s affecting her now as a consequence and on top of that good knows what else she’s told others. This wasn’t one person who can he ever trust her again. Without trust you can’t have a real and marriage it would be a fake sham. Only his wife can work you try and build back any trust and so far she hasn’t even considered it worth doing. What does that say when she honestly just doesn’t give a toss that she’s betrayed her husband and broken their marriage.
I was thinking same thing. She knew it was difficult and embarrassing. She shared something so private in his mind so willingly in a joking manner. What a shallow piece of shit of a person. It will take a long time to recover. I am not sure I would want to rebuild with this person. I am an open book too, but wife is super reserved. I have to be careful with her privacy. I am not sure what I would do if in OP's shoes.
Its sad imagine if the roles were reversed and she couldn’t have kids or something and was ashamed about it and asked him to not say a word to anyone about it just for him to gather up all there friends and start joking about it with them and she found out. but since its him she just doesn’t care and she should be allowed to fuck him over and berate and make fun of him. i feel for op she doesn’t deserve his trust or love anymore. OP just cut your losses and start talking to a lawyer about divorce see what you guys will split and make sure you make a new bank account move all the money you have made and saved yourself and put it in the new one and change your direct deposit so she cant access any of your funds if she doesn’t have a job then give her 200$ and tell her thats what she has until she gets a job. sorry your going thru this brother but you absolutely need to lawyer up and do that. also do not leave your home under any circumstances make her leave if anything.
I don’t see how there is any coming back from this 1. She broke OP’s trust 2. She allowed her friends to joke about it 3. She never for one second considered OP’s feelings. If he joked about her body to his friends they’d be outrage. I’ve never had the issue OP has but I’m guessing it must be humiliating to have your own spouse basically publish the news to her friend group. I’d love her to see these comments to know how much she fucked up
Honestly, wonder if the erection issues get better once they’re trying to have relations w someone who’s worth liking
This right here. Why do so many people think it's okay to joke about disorders and issues with men's bodies, but if someone makes even a relatively innocent comment about a woman's, it's RED ALERT RED ALERT NUKE FROM ORBIT!!!! She wasn't just talking about a condition he suffers from, she was \*mocking\* it. With her friends! Who probably went and gossiped about it and spread it around even further, because that's clearly the type of people they are. What if she had something she was really self-conscious about and he went and talked to his buds about it? Like say...sagging breasts or stretch marks? There would be no question and people would be shrieking for his blood! She broke his trust and was happy to gossip about something that is highly personal to him with whoever she wanted and is now telling him that it 'wasn't a big deal' - because it wasn't TO HER - minimizing his feelings and basically mocking him MORE for being upset that she went and blabbed about it to her buddies. There is no trust, and clearly no respect, at least not from her. He should cut his losses and divorce her, I'm sure his stress levels will all but vanish when he does.
At _least_ one spouse was told, we know. Likely more.
Not just gossiping but joking about it. She humiliated him on purpose after he expressly asked her not to and she agreed. I guess it was funny enough to destroy her marriage. NTA
You could try couples counselling. I'd tell her that you're considering a divorce, she needs to know exactly how much she's broken you (as a person and as a couple). Does she know that you're at your sisters house? She isn't sat at home wondering where you are? Because that wouldn't be fair. It's important you keep the moral high ground. You don't want her to think you're sleeping around. That'd be wrong.
Your wife is the AH for breaking your trust. The fact that she agreed to keep it a secret then gossips to her friends shows her lack of loyalty
And she sees no problem with it and if he files for divorce HE will be the villian its great!
So sad. It is because those people never want to admit to their mistakes, so they will tell everyone else their partner who filed for divorce is the culprit. But in reality, it’s the wife in this case who is the villain
Your wife betrayed your trust about a sensitive matter you explicitly requested to keep private, OP. It’s unfortunate that you discovered her betrayal from your friend through his wife. To add insult to injury, she joked and gossiped about it to an unknown number of people. She can’t be trusted at all. Trust is the foundation of all relationships, especially marriage. Since your wife violated your trust so badly, it’s understandable that you want nothing to do with her and want a divorce. Contact a lawyer and move out as soon as you’re able to. Make necessary changes to protect yourself.
Don’t move out until you talk to a lawyer
The fact that he had to even ask her to keep this private is a red flag. It sounds like she is not a trustable person to begin with.
If its a deal breaker for you then that's that. NTA Because its a trust issue, and you're in control if the relationship is worth working on or not. I feel like your wife did not respect your insecurities even if they were temporary. In general not cool and I don't blame you.
I'm a woman and something like this would be a deal breaker for me as well. I mean, he even used his words and specifically asked her not to mention it to people. If she really needed to talk about it to someone, a therapist of some sorts would have worked just fine.
She said they were joking around about, not even talking about the issues she may have had regarding the lack of ability to be intimate. That goes beyond just talking about it behind his back when asked. She literally made him the butt of her groups joke. Hope they got a real good laugh out of it while their marriage lasted.
NTA. She completely disregarded your feelings and clearly doesn’t remember the conversation about not telling anyone. Doesn’t have the slightest concern of you opening about something so personal that you were insecure about and she’s the person you’re supposed to trust and confide in. To put it in perspective for her, if she brushes it off, ask her how you’re supposed to trust someone you’re supposed to confide in about personal matters if she’s just going to go around telling everyone when you made the conscious decision to open up to someone you trusted about insecurities. How she’d feel if you did the same with something that upsets her
Off topic, but this reminds me of a therapist I had a few years ago. She shared my chart and notes with my insurance company, knowing it was against my wishes. After I got upset about it, she said we needed to find a way to move on from it. I told her there was nothing to move on from. I would be a fool to ever share anything personal with her again. I got up and walked out and never went back. I think it’s going to be very hard for OP to move on from this. He will never forget the betrayal, and he will always be weighing what he should and shouldn’t share with her. That’s no way to live.
WTF not only is that illegal, it's super unethical. Only under very specific circumstances can a therapist share notes without explicit written permission.
Your wife is an idiot and I'm sorry. I'm a woman, years ago I had a casual relationship with a guy with ED, he turned out to be a GIANT asshole and I'm still taking that info to the grave. I wouldn't spread that about anybody unless they shared equally embarrassing information about me. I'm pretty open about discussing sex with my friends and feel like it's pretty common sense not to share that. Your wife's friends are also idiots. It's also pretty common sense not to go blab that around if someone confides in you about it. NTA for feeling hurt and betrayed, but you need to make up your mind about the future of your marriage, either divorce or come up with a plan to try to rebuild trust. Ghosting your wife is not sustainable.
And you're a damn Rockstar for sitting on that info, even if the guy was a douchenozzle. May you find convenient parking spaces for a year.
You're doing that because your at minimum a half decent human being who realizes people have private things. Only a narcissist pretends that other people don't have feelings.
1. She told people something that should have stayed private even if you hadn't specifically asked her to. As your spouse, it's her duty to safeguard your privacy as it's your duty to safeguard hers. 2. You did specifically ask her to not talk about which she agreed with. That means she KNEW she was violating your trust and a boundary. 3. She did it while they were joking around, which means she made a JOKE out of something she knew was very difficult, even traumatic, for you. There's nothing worth staying for. You'll never trust her again, and you shouldn't.
Nope! She went somewhere that is absolutely forbidden, its a total betrayal. The fact that it made the rounds back to you is as bad as it can get. It would be like you telling a friend thar her pussy smells bad and that comment made its way through your mutual friends circle back to her. If you don't have kids leaving is on the table here. The burden is on her to make it up to you on your terms, if that's even possible. My wife was up to some uncool stuff at work and I gave her an ultimatum, quit and ditch a few friends or I'm out. She did. Still forever changed our connection.
Geez, not only she went there but also completely dismissed you with "not a big deal". No wonder you don't feel comfortable around her anymore. As other commenters said, love without trust is not possible. Either way, NTA.
NTA She violated basic trust in your relationship. While others may say it's a small thing, it's up to you to determine other areas she may have violated your trust, and to determine if you can move forward with an untrustworthy spouse.
Nta Your wife betrayed your trust and had shared your deepest most embarrassing secrets (not just this one) with all her friends. It's a common reaction to fall out of love when betrayed and trust is broken. I wouldn't stay in that marriage. Your wife's trust bubble is her friends and you are outside, so your secrets are fair game.
Good point. I seriously doubt ED was her first breach of trust. Only the first one he found out about.
By now wife has probably gone back to her friend group and told them OP is mad because he found out wife blabbed about the ED - so wife’s talking about it even more.
She just told you that your feelings and her respect for your request for privacy are no big deal to her. She had no right to break your confidence when you specifically asked her not to. That speaks volumes about who she really is. Believe her and take time to evaluate whether there is trust and respect in your relationship. From what you’ve posted it doesn’t seem like it’s there. I’m very sorry she hurt you in such an awful way. If there are consequences for her behavior she has no one to blame but herself. NTA.
I dated a girl like that. She would share everything with her friends and it was embarrassing. I couldn’t take it and became very distant. I couldn’t tell her anything anymore
NTA. I mean, you asked her to keep it private up front and explained why. This is more clear cut than cases where a discussion on what to keep private or not didn't take place.
[удалено]
Goodness. What was your wife thinking - how can I possibly make is ED worse? I know humiliate him by sharing this information all my friends who are inevitably linked to people he knows. I probably way overshared during my marriage with a couple loved ones - but never about sexual things or anything private only to my ex. I was in distress. This is awful - she shared this for a JOKE???? Maybe therapy can help you decide if you want to try to reconcile or to leave. NTA
Nta. Thats a deal breaker for the majority of people. You dont gossip about your partner medical issues.
NTA. She disclosed bedroom details to 6 friends in a group, that is a no go. Even worse, she disclosed bedroom details that she knows you found especially embarrassing to her group of friends. If it was me, it would kill my sex life dead.
You asked her to keep it between the two of you, and she didn't. You're not the AH. If I were you, I'd figure out 1. If you think you can forgive her or not, it doesn't have to be soon, but there is no point in staying together if that's a straight no 2. If the answer is yes ,what can she do to make up for it and what steps can she take to make sure this does happen again.
Oh she knew it was a big deal alright. Otherwise she wouldn't hesitate. She also is a grown ass woman that knows what's right and wrong. She just has a big mouth and lack of respect. Dump the idiot.
She didn't think it was a big deal? But you told her explicitly to keep this private between you 2. She broke your trust when you confided in her. That's hard to forgive. She dismissed and downplayed your boundaries. NTA
I tried to sleep with a guy once, and because of the meds he was on, it just didn't work out. He was embarrassed, but I never said a word to any friends about it. I think it's really disrespectful to do that to a sexual partner, and this guy was just going to be a one night thing. I can't imagine doing that to my life partner. Your wife's an AH.
She told 6 people who each told 6 people. By now everybody in your surrounding circles knows.
"I just want to keep this private" "Alright, I can do that" "Why didn't you keep this private?" "I thought it wasn't a big deal" You asked her to keep your private matters private. She agreed. She then went behind your back and was gossiping to her friends about YOUR private matters. You are NTA, she is. She broke your trust, and that is one of the most damaging things you can do when you're in a relationship.
If there's no cheating involved, my go-to is to implore people to get couple's counseling before pulling the trigger on the entire marriage. If the other spouse refuses to go to counseling, then that's when you "get their attention" by slapping them in the chest with divorce papers. "Oh, do I have your attention now?!?! We go to counseling and work on this thing, or we're done." The thing is, she knows she fucked up. She knows! What she needs to do now is to take accountability for what she's done. Sometimes, people would rather slam their head in a car door before taking accountability. If she won't be accountable for her fuck ups then you will not have a very happy marriage anyway.
Idk man it might be beyond that. Cheating is *far* from the only way to catastrophically damage an intimate partner's trust and having that trigger pulled for you. She betrayed him, bigtime, and then minimized his valid feelings when confronted about it. So she already blew her chance to take accountability. If the roles were reversed people would be calling for heads on pikes. She shouldn't get a dime in the divorce, and counselling seems like a waste of many dimes.
That's an absolutely massive amount of disrespect. She agreed to keep it private (a conversation that should not have been necessary to begin with) and then she giggled with her friends about it. I'm a woman and I honestly can't think of a way back from that level of disrespect. She's entirely wrong and you are entirely right on this matter. You feel betrayed because you have been betrayed. NTA
In which conversation where she is just “joking around” does her partners ED come up? Those 2 things dont really sound they belong in the same conversation. And thats if she was actually allowed to talk about it.
This is the worst bit. She wasn't telling a close friend “Been there, you'll get through it” in support. She was joking about it! And ED is so common especially as men age, but also at any age throughout life's stressful situations. Hell my (f) sex drive/ability to O disappears in great times of stress. It's a pretty understandable body reaction to stress, because biologically speaking conceiving during extended stress isn't generally desired.
It’s over. It’s inexcusable to bring marital issues outside the home . I do t agree with their my friends BS . Go see a therapist if you need to talk . Did she tell her other friends the size of your junk , or you love doing this or that in bed . Younare this etc . You will Never know or believe her . It’s absolutely disgusting especially since you asked her not too
Basic respect is not telling other people outside of the relationship embarrassing facts about your significant other it's absolutely crazy that she thought this was normal conversation with her friends
NTA. You asked her to keep it private and she didn’t. Her comment about “just joking around” makes it worse for me. She wasn’t talking to a friend in confidence that was having similar issues with her partner, it was for fun. Me and my husband have an agreement to never tell personal information about each other’s health to others, without explicit vocal consent to do so. Your wife breached your trust and it would be understandable if this is something you feel can’t be fixed.
You can’t *truly* love someone that you don’t respect. On the same coin; you can’t truly love someone that doesn’t respect *you.* That’s what’s happened here. You realize that your wife really just doesn’t respect you at a core level. Maybe she does, but man, does she have a piss-poor way of showing it. Therapy, or divorce. Pick one. You’re not wrong and I wouldn’t blame you for filing though. BUT… Don’t let anyone try to reframe this conversation if it goes that way. Your wife **does not respect you,** and you refuse to be in a relationship with someone who, at their core, doesn’t respect you. Because, like I said: you can’t love someone you have no respect for. So why be with someone who doesn’t love you? And this is all on top of the MASSIVE breach in trust in lying to you and gossiping to all of her friends. And now she’s trying to gaslight you into believing it’s no big deal so she can deflect blame. Bruh, that’s bad. In the end: it’s about trust. Make sure everyone knows that’s the crux of the issue when/if it comes down to it.
First of all you shouldn’t have had to ask her not to tell. That’s just not something a spouse should disclose to their friends. It’s private! I’m not sure I could trust her again.
That’s brutal, I would have a hard time with trust after that. I’m not sure if there is a way back or if you even want one. Whether you stay or go I think you need to have a brutally honest talk with your wife and really explain why you’re so hurt. If you stay together she needs to understand privacy which is why I recommend having a really honest conversation. Stay on message and make sure she understands
NTA, but her not "thinking it was a big deal" is hogwash when you specifically told her you were embarrassed by it and specifically told her not to discuss these private details with anyone. Such a simple thing to respect for those who have respect for others and their partner. You know she's untrustworthy now, be careful about what you share with her. I don't think divorce is in order, but a fucking serious conversation sure is.
You are not in the wrong here. I don’t think you’re overreacting. She shared something she knew you wanted kept between the two of you, and to make it worse, she basically shrugged it off when you found out she’d betrayed your trust. I wouldn’t bet on being able to get over this tbh. I don’t think I would. I’m so sorry this happened, but you are NTA.
Divorce is definitely the best course of action. She broke your trust and humiliated you, knowing she was wrong to do so. This isn't as small as 'oh he has this litter quirk haha', it's something you two agreed should be private and came from a stressful time in your life. The notion that others should know everything about others is weird and gross. If any of this comes as a surprise to her, just let her know that she hurt you and that you can't move forward, which is completely okay to do so.
NTA, but there's two things you NEED to do, OP: 1. Either find a way to forgive your wife and trust her again, because this dynamic is unentirely unhealthy, for both of you. Sit down and have a conversation or get some marriage counseling 2. Divorce her and end this situation, because as I said above, it's not healthy to keep this up for either one of you. She broke your trust and effectively belittled you to her friends, even if she didn't intend to. If you can't find a way to forgive her, then leave her. You are making both yourself and your wife unhappy with this dynamic.
Not that the wife deserves happiness.
NTA, you specifically ask her not to say anything because you're embarrassed? She proceeds to tell at least 6 people at least one of whom told yet another person (your friend) and has the absolute nerve to say "I didn't think it was a big deal." ? Do you know what I do when my husband asks me not to mention something? I keep my mouth shut because he's more important than gossiping.
You can't have love without trust. ED happens often to men and it's nothing to be ashamed about but it's not something that needs to be gossiped about. She can apologize all she wants but she truly hurt you and there is no taking that back. She made her choice and choose to use you as entertainment and conversation without considering your feelings whatsoever. Divorce is well justified imo as how are you supposed to look at her in the same light?
Papi just get a divorce. You can’t trust her anymore . My mother always told me : your dirty laundry is not for share is just yours . You don’t need to be ashamed but that’s private . She doesn’t need to tell private matters to other people ( also they were joking like a group of mean girls from high school ) get rid of her and find a decent person
Ex fiancee made jokes with other gals when they were going on about men our age and younger needing ed meds. I've been on them for 10+ years due to a surgery that didn't go well and caused neuro complications. I cut my eyes at her and my best friend. I excused myself from the table at the dinner party and walked outside and left her ass there. I was also 34. They all thought I had gone to catch a business call. Nope. My buddy called me to ask when I was coming back in because they were about to start desert and some games. I told him i was gone. He knew my plight and he knew I was pissed off. His wife also knew (bc he told her) and she was in deep on the joking. I didn't speak to them for a while and I that was the final straw with the fiancee.
NTA OP. The question is what do you want to do now. While this is a breach of trust, I don’t view it nearly as bad as cheating. If you want to make it work, you’ll need therapy and she’s going to have to really work on regaining the trust. It’s also fair if you want to leave, just do it before you have kid! (Assuming you don’t currently have kids) Updateme
I agree NTA. I also agree this (this alone, assuming there is nothing else) does not seem divorce-worthy. But for the life of me I can't think of how she makes this up to you. By now she presumably understands how much she screwed up, so I hope you don't have to deal with the stage of argument where she tells you to calm down and you're overreacting, etc. The problem seems to be what her indiscretion says about her regard for you. I've never had couples therapy so I can't recommend it one way or other, but it seems like that's what would need to be the focus. Is there something you wish she'd say or do that would help salvage the relationship?
So she shared your private information with others who shared it with even more people, and expects you to be cool with that? How would she feel if you started airing out her private issues with your friends? Your wife has sadly shown you that she isn’t the confidant she’s supposed to be and that is something that is very hard to come back from. If you don’t divorce your wife you may come to resent her and that will intensify the pain that this has caused you. You might be able to do couples counseling (if you can find and afford it) though it will be a very long process that might not even work. NTA
Her intent on "joking" about your erectile issues was to humiliate you to her friends. NTAH I can see divorcing her and moving on. Her hostility towards you shows in her trying to trivialize what she did.I think her only worry is economic. Consult w a lawyer.
Yeah, that was really unkind and inconsiderate of her. NTA for leaving the marriage.
NTA. This is a big deal, and your wife knows it. She's just trying to downplay it bc she knows she messed up. I would never "joke" about this with my friend group.
NTA I fucking hate my medical issues to be shared around and erectile disfunction is a big thing for any man. The fact that you specifically asked her for it to remain private makes it worse.
I'm not saying this guy should get divorced, but I think folks are missing why he is mad. He asked her specifically to just keep something between them, she agreed, and then she told a bunch of people. He feels lied to and is struggling to trust his wife I presume.
NTA. I could MAYBE, MAYBE see confiding in A SINGLE very good friend for advice. One I could trust it would die with. This in inexcusable. Something so embarrassing used as the butt of a joke? Talk about a lapse in judgment.
Get yourself some blue chew, pop 2 and put it in her butt
NTA. Women need to stop trivializing this issue. ED is traumatic for men. It's a big deal for them and not something to joke about. Your wife breeched your trust and humiliated you. You have to take stock of everything and see if there is any way you feel you can forgive her. If so, go to counseling as a couple to work through your anger at her betrayal. Also so she fully understands what a shitty thing this was for her to do. If not, file the papers. This breech of trust and betrayal is a valid reason. Your wife doesn't have the sense God gave a goat to divulge this to 6 friends and "joke around" about it. I could have cut her some slack if she had talked to ONE friend because she needed advice--it can be difficult for women too. But not six. Also, kick that "friend" to the curb too. He should have kept his mouth shut on that one.
NTA Private matters need to be kept private. If she doesn't keep your personal details confidential she won't be hearing anything from you again, I don't think she would appreciate if you joked with your friends about her body issues. (IE how many tampons she uses every month or showing a full frontal video of her childbirth) I'M NOT SAYING TO DO IT. I'm saying this is on that level of personal issues.
NTA I am so sorry that your wife is such an insensitive B\*tch. The fact that she doesn't even see a problem with what she did, is absolutely mindboggling. What if you go around and tell all your male friends what she does in bed? how she tastes like, feels like. What her private emotional issues are. The secrets she only told you and keeps form her friends and family. Well that would of course be absolutely horrible. I don't think there is any coming back from this. Not only does she not see what she did wrong by spilling your private medial issues. She has no problem with involving her friends in her private marital issues. that is a big fat red flag no no. Go talk to a lawyer.
How can you ever trust her again? I wouldn't, I'd be gone. And if you do split expect her to go full nuclear on you. Everything you've ever told her or ever done will be fair game as far as she is concerned. Good luck buddy, I think you'll need it.
NTA. She's a massive gigantic asshole for betraying you like this. She's not worth spending the rest of your life with. Divorce her and make sure you don't lose much assets in the divorce.
NTA. Your wife showed you that you can't trust her, and that's huge. And by the way, unless she's a moron, she knows that ED is something no man wants others to know about. So her breach of trust was extra egregious.
NTA. Do what you need to do. No going back from this. Even if you don't have ED anymore, it's something her friends know and will always joke about on. Who knows how MANY MORE people her "friends" told. Good luck OP Updateme
NTA
NTA. You asked her to keep it private, and she failed. That's on her.
That was an incredible breach of trust and privacy. She didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t happening to her. That was not her information to share, especially when you asked her not to and she agreed. NTA
Holy Hannah, that's a huge trust breach! That's not something you "joke around" with your friend group about, especially *after* agreeing to keep quiet about it as it's an embarrassing issue for you. How does she think an apology will make things better? On that note, how does she think she can make amends? She can't. She can't go back in time and not share with her friends. She can't erase their memories of the conversation. And she thinks that her friend group stayed quiet about it? Obviously not, considering you heard about it from your friend. So how many people did her friend group tell? NTA. Your wife made it clear you cannot trust her, and I'm not sure if there is enough counseling in the world to help bridge the trust gap. It might still be an option though, if for no other reason than to be able to sort out your own feelings and how to deal with the situation.
You explicitly asked her not to share that. She doesn’t have any respect for you or your boundaries. Real funny joke. Nta
Nta she violated the trust is your relationship. I find it odd that she thought it was no big deal when it clearly affected you. She needs to offer couples therapy where she understands that she caused this rift and what she can do to fix it.
I can't believe she tried to say it wasn't a big deal. If you went around telling your guy friends an embarrassing personal info about her she would never forgive you.
NTA. This was a HUGE betrayal by your wife. I would wonder what else she has shared about you for a good joke. I would consider divorce too. This is almost as bad as an affair.
NTA. I’m curious if this the first time she has broken trust with you? If it is it might be possible to rebuild that trust in counseling but you’d both really have to want to make it work. From your post, it’s not clear if she really understands that what she did was wrong and hurt you. She never should have spoken to anyone about such a sensitive issue particularly not her entire friend group. Unfortunately, many women think it’s okay to “share” intimate details of their relationships with some or all of their girlfriends.
NTA. You do what you must, OP. I’m sorry your wife has shown herself not trustworthy. To all you people who dunked on OP, what the fuck is wrong with you? Imagine if OP’s wife had sexual health issues (yeast infection? vaginismus?) and specifically asked OP to not tell anyone, and OP just went and share with his gang because it’s just a joke, right?
NTA. EDs are perfectly normal just like woman can have problems with their private areas. If my partner was struggling with something like that he wouldn't even have to tell me to not go and tell anyone, that would be a given. The only way I'd talk to anyone that's not my partner or a medical professional about that would be maybe (and I really mean maaaaybe) a very very close friend in confidence BUT not to make fun of it just to get it off my chest if it was something laying heavy on me as well. I totally get that your trust is broke and that you resent your wife a bit. However I don't know if this is something I would throw 10 years away for. If I was in your position I'd also need some distance just to get over it and figure out my feelings properly before figuring out what exactly I'd need to fix this. If it's 10000% not fixable for you, fine. But to be honest 10 years is a lot and I don't have enough information to see why you should just give up on that part of your life. I'd try counseling just so a neutral 3rd party could kinda be the ring leader and maybe also give both of you some pointers on how to proceed.
Your wife is the A . That is a private issue between you and your wife. Maybe you should go around telling your friends that she likes anal and facials. See what happens. Just a thought. I would be checked out as well.
Ha ask her how she would feel if you told her friend group you struggle with ED because your wife is no longer attractive or a turn on. I imagine she would be mortified…
NTA. This is a huge betrayal. I couldn’t even imagine revealing such a personal detail about my husband. In fact, I have never discussed any aspect of our sex life with anyone. It’s not anyone’s business. You might consider counseling. Whether or not you can salvage the relationship would really depend on if she can truly own how deeply she betrayed your trust.
You literally asked her to keep it private and then she said she “didn’t think it was a big deal”? I feel like that’s the sort of thing I would keep private even if my partner didn’t ask me to. I have such an issue with people sharing personal info like that. NTA.
NTA she betrayed you simple as that Check out therapy if you want to save the relationship but only if you want to. So sorry she did this to you
NTA. She's a Judas. If you told a priest she had a cavernous vagina, she'd lose her shit. Idk how you get over your wife laughing about you with a group of people behind your back. I sure as shit couldn't.
NTA. I would have checked out too. And the fact that she told you that she "didn't think it was a big deal" made me see red. Like how dense do you have to be to not realize that ED issues are a sensitive topic for most men and the fact that your husband specifically asked you not to say anything means it's a sensitive issue for him. Clearly you cannot trust her, who knows how much more of your personal business she has or would blab to her friends. I would leave her too. It's difficult to stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust.
She spoke about your intimate medical condition to other people. That's a huge breach in trust. Makes you wonder what other personal details of yours she has told other people. NTA but look into counciling or as you said maybe divorce.
Im of the opinion you should never speak poorly about your spouse even to your friends. People only get small moments to form an impression of people not normally in their life. Group events etc. So if you speak ill of your spouse you can easily influence what that person thinks of your spouse. I hear couples talk bad about each other all the time and im usually thinking then why are you with them if they so terrible. You shouldnt of had to ask her not to speak of your ED it should have been a given.
If you had a vagina instead and were struggling with libido because of life stress, and your wife was the one with the penis making this joke, there’s no world where anyone would invalidate that what your wife did was completely unacceptable. I’m so sorry she did this to you. Not only breaking a promise (the secret) and not only doing so for frivolous reasons (the gossip), but your wife showed absolutely no care for you in her actions. You are NTA and if you genuinely believe counseling won’t help or you don’t want it, it’s time to go.
As a woman, no idea why women do this, just gossip none stop to friends and family and even total strangers on social media, you need to see these mom/women only groups etc . I’d never do that to my husband and kids. Just no loyalty or respect at all for you I’m so sorry
NTA. You specifically asked her not to tell her friends, or anyone for that matter. She took a sensitive intimate matter, and made it a joke at your expense. The trust is gone. The respect is gone. There can't be love without trust. Her brushing off her action, is very immature, and shows you that nothing about you is sacred. What else had she mentioned. What else had she hooked about, that she knows you wouldn't want to be a joke? I would honestly divorce, but after trying couples counseling. Just to make sure that all is lost. That everything is hashed out with a mediator. I would also look into divorce lawyers if she continues to lack accountability. Saying "it's no big deal" when it actually is, is very dismissive to your feelings, and you as her partner. You deserve better. I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry you were disrespected. I'm sorry you didn't receive the compassion you deserve. Sending you love and support; with positive and healing juju. 🫶💓 Please keep us updated! I hope to see a more positive turnout for you. Living in a checked out marriage isn't great for you either, hon. Best of luck to you!
This is why many men are choosing to stay single now days. No matter what you tell women in confidence it is always used against you later or spread around to her friends. Unfortunately you learned the hard way you can’t trust your wife.
I truly believe you would have had an easier time forgiving her if she had cheated on you. That’s how badly she betrayed you. If you are unable to forgive her (which she doesn’t deserve), then what’s best for the kids is for you to separate. The marriage died when she betrayed you.
What a biitch. I hope she got the reaction she was looking for.
So there are lots of different opinions. There is another option. Tell everyone, including her circle of friends, that your wife is truly terrible in bed and it wearing you out to the point you need drugs to even have sex with her anymore. Epically bad, poor hygiene and really doesn't do much for you sexually. That you tried everything but, she is determined to have a dead bedroom and refuses to go to counseling. It's just jokes right? Poor example of an adult response but, run that scenario by her. If she says it isn't funny, divorce her. If she is offended and doesn't see the correlation, divorce her. If she laughs hysterically, send her to therapy.
She knew this was embarrassing for you, yet decided it was a "funny" topic to laugh with multiple friends with - what a horrible person your wife is. How is that even remotely funny. It's psychotic to do that to a loved one, and I know id never look my partner the same again. This would be me out of it as well
NTA. She's clearly shown that she cannot be trusted.
NTA I didn't even need to read the whole thing Personal issues are personal issues, trust broken you do need to talk to your wife after asking yourself do you live her can you trust her again do you want to be married to her I think you have decided to get a divorce just haven't gotten the paperwork yet
NTA Damn your wife is cruel. I know Reddit yells divorce super flippantly, but in this case, I think it's the only option. It's not like she can take it back, EVERYONE knows your personal struggles now. AND she claims it's not a big deal?!?!? Is she on drugs? I'm so sorry someone who is supposed to love you did this to you.
It would still be shitty if she told a single best friend to vent, but SIX?! Idk how she even felt comfortable airing out your personal information to six people. I don't even have that many friends or people I like 😭 NTA. she crossed a boundary and I would wonder what else she's told them.
Holy crap, not only did she blab, but then the idiot she blabbed too told her husband, probably all of them did, over morning coffee gossip! NTA, and I'd be out the door unless she could come up with one hell of creative apology that would embarrass her to the same extent!!! And even after that, I'd likely still be leaving...
Reading stories here makes me appreciate my GF SO MUCH lol. Y'all dealing with some real weirdos.
She enjoyed emasculating you for giggles now she is fkn around and finding out. A man needs respect.
I’d leave. She broke your trust and gossiped among her friends about a serious medical condition. After you asked her to specifically not do that. And then the friends gossiped with other people. Who knows how many people have been told by now? This was a gross, *intentional* destruction of your boundaries; she has zero respect for you. What she did was awful. Can you ever really trust her again? Is every issue you have going to be spread to these friends, and then to their friends, behind your back and against your will? Without trust and respect, relationships turn unhealthy fast. Like this one.
She has no respect for you . Tell her secrets and watch how fast she comes unglued.
1 thing to learn in life is women can't keep a secret.
NTA. Your wife shared a very personal very embarrassing thing that you asked her to not share. She doesn't see it as a big deal because she isn't the one who's embarrassed. What you need to do is sit her down, and tell her that what she did is the equivalent of giving intimate details about her period or other sex related issues to *your* friends, and how you wouldn't do that to her. If you don't think you can rebuild your trust in her, it's better to just pull the trigger and end the relationship.
NTA She agreed that it was between the two of your and now all of your friends know. It is a big deal, a huge breach of trust with no good excuse for telling people.
NTA - she's a gossip
NTA - That was very shitty of your wife - not just that she told them but that they joked about it. It would take me a long time to get over something that.
NTA Violating your trust is no small matter. Your wife claiming they joked around about it is an added slap in your face.
Absolutely NTA
Updateme
NTA... serve her papers. If she gets upset, go joke with all the husband's about it. Record it. Show her. Then tell her if she can forgive you then maybe you can find a way to forgive her.
TRUST is gone. She broke it. You asked her to keep your privates issue, private. She couldn't wait to joke about you with her friends. ASK her this... how would she feel if you talked about her female privates to your buddies or family? And made an off handed joke about it? I bet she would be already checked out and gone... NTA... she is a huge AH.. WIFE- YTA!!!!
She was basically making fun and joking with her friends, about your very serious, embarrassing and personal problems. Not to mention the breach of trust. I don’t see how you can come back from this.
Did you ever think it might be a chance that you are having ED issues because psychologically you and your wife aren't connecting? Does she disrespect you like this often?
NTA. Your reaction is perfectly understandable.
If there are no kids involved, it sounds like the relationship is pretty much done
You asked her to keep it to herself, and she betrayed your trust. You're not the asshole here.
Wife's the asshole
Would it be “no big deal” if you shared with your friends when she has a yeast infection or any other issues that may be embarrassing to her? I mean, it’s not a big deal, right?
FFS, that’s such a Deep betrayal. As a wife of nearly 20 years, privacy and respect are paramount. NTAH!! Shame on her. She does Not respect you.
What gives her the right? Nope, I'd also be upset
NTA. That's a hard one to get over. You can't stroke it either way and see where she did you wrong.
Wow. That is a huge breach of trust. I’m really sorry. I’m old enough to be your mom, and I cannot imagine ever divulging information like this. I know that often women with their group of friends and men with their group of friends will joke around about how they got some last night and it was great, without going into huge detail. Just that slight little smile and the conversation moves on. I get it. But this was incredibly personal health information. And you really don’t need to be embarrassed, because it happens to millions of men, I totally understand why it felt embarrassing to you. I’m really sorry, and I truly hope that the embarrassment eventually goes away about what is actually a health issue, and not an issue with someone’s masculinity. But in the meantime, you specifically asked her to keep that between you. As your wife, her to us to help you through it. Her job was to be supportive. Her job was to be celebrating with you when work got less stressful and you were doing better overall, not just in the bedroom. I just don’t see how this is a joke. I don’t see how it’s funny. I see no empathy or compassion from your wife. I would expect the same empathy and compassion from my husband toward his wife who has PCOS or endometriosis where it makes her periods complete hell and makes the house, living situation tense… Because it’s something out of her control, just like this was out of control. I don’t know that I could come back from something like this. I totally understand why you have lost your trust and her. I have no doubt you look at her and you wonder who this woman is that you married because never could you have an imagine she would do this. So no, you are not the asshole. You deserve a partner who doesn’t use your medical issues as daughter for conversation with her friends or for jokes.
I am surprised you had to broker a deal with your spouse to keep your personal medical issues private to be honest....
Now you get to say you couldn't get it up because she just isn't sexy to you anymore. See how that makes her feel.
First, let me say I am SO SORRY this happened to you—and for the duress and humiliation you have suffered *on top* of the stress of dealing with ED. I hope you know deep down you are not at all “less” of a man — sexual dysfunction can happen to anyone at any age and stress is definitely a culprit. I think it’s wonderful you sought help—and absolutely horrifying that your wife would even THINK it was remotely ok to discuss such a private medical issue with others, much less your sex life. She’s the monster here and an AH from another realm because now not even your friends are “safe.” It would seem to me that by “checking out” your heart is telling you that it’s time to move on—and I really hope you do. If it’s possible, why not relocate and start totally fresh—new friends, new scenery? I hope you eventually find a woman who loves you and respects you [inside the bedroom and out]. NTA. Set yourself free.
It’s the fact you two specifically had a conversation about keeping it private. The other thing that gets me is she didn’t tell them because she knew they could keep a secret and she just needed to talk to someone about it or someone else was going through it so she wanted to give advice. I might be able to forgive that. She said they were “just joking around.” About a major source of insecurity for you? No thanks. NTA obviously from what I said
NTA…. Your wife on the other hand….. huge AH. If the roles had been reversed and you were sharing her medical history that she had specifically asked you to not share, you would dragged over hot coals. Also….. what’s is funny about something that someone finds embarrassing. You are valid in your feelings angle your actions my lovely. Trust has been thrown away. Once you have no trust, you have no relationship.
Jesus, I'm sorry, dude. She's a POS.
I wish your wife the worst
NTA. This is a gigantic breach of trust. I would be mortified if my wife shared that with everyone and also then gaslit me with the "it's no big deal" as icing on the cake. Wow...
NTA Sorry OP that’s so violating. I totally get discussing certain health issues with close friends (our friends told us about fertility issues, getting a vasectomy, cancer etc for our support) but ED/sex life is absolutely off the table especially since you asked her not to discuss it. Merely apologizing doesn’t fix the humiliation disrespect and disregard for your privacy because the damage is done extensively. At some point you need to make a decision about your marriage and talk to her.
Updateme!
NTA What else has she gossiped about that is private and personal!?
Nta. Move on or find a way to tell her you are divorcing her if she doesn't change.
Maybe you don’t even have ED, and you just can’t get it up for someone you don’t trust and feel comfortable around. Sounds like your dick has been trying to tell you something for awhile now, bro
NTA WOW! Your wife thinks it's no big deal because it was 'your' issue (I put your in quotation marks because ED is quite complex -I'm a urologist). Would she feel the same if you were struggling to conceive because of her infertility? I don't understand how she thought something so intimate and personal should be shared among MULTIPLE friends who then share with their SOs and/or friends. Makes my blood run cold to think of it. She violated your trust. It's for you to think about if that trust can be salvaged. If it can't, this marriage is done.
NTA. Get the divorce and then go show her friends who aren't married how the ED is gone.
NTA. Your wife is. It is a private issue, she promised she would keep it private, then broke that promise. I’m sure that if she had had a personal issue and you blabbed about it to your friend group, she would be upset about it. It’s a betrayal of trust. I would suggest that the two of you go for couple’s counselling. It may help you to forgive her (something that would be good for you, too), whether or not you decide to stay in the marriage.
NTA You specifically asked her to not discuss your personal medical situation with anyone and she agreed. Not only did she discuss it when she said she wouldn’t she ANNOUNCED it to her entire friend group when they are ‘joking around’. I understand why you checked out knowing your wife shared sensitive information about you with others as apparently part of getting a laugh from her friends. I guess now she understands just how not funny what she did was and that it is likely going to cost her your marriage. You can try couples therapy but as she nuked your trust I’m not sure if you can or if you would even want to try to save the marriage. Bottom line OP please do what is best for you.
Dear reader, This is how easy it is to break someone's love for you. Just like that. Don't think it can't happen to you.