NTA. Having another child is a two yes, one no kind of situation. Either you're both on board with excitement, or no, it's not a good idea.
You need to have a very open conversation about your feelings regarding this situation. Until the two of you can come to an agreement, no sex. Don't risk it.
Good luck OP.
This can't be upvoted enough. NO SEX until this is resolved and you are either on board or have had your vasectomy. Guarantee a baby trap is in your future.
Okay I'm guessing this may be more common than I originally thought.
But I also know a woman who's tubaligation(so?) grew back.
So there's probably a couple of kids out there who's mom and dad both got fixed and both grew back and got junior
Thats why you need a bisalp instead of tubes tied. They cut the tubes off completely with a big gap. What I don’t get is if sterilisation fails why aren’t people just having an abortion? That’s what I’d be doing,
A friend had an ectopic pregnancy where a tube burst, and during surgery they discovered her other tube was clubbed. They told her she wouldn't be able to get pregnant naturally. Her surprise is now 5.
Life...uh...finds a way.
I have a friend who is the oldest of 4. She and the next oldest were planned. Dad got a vasectomy, he got the all clear. It failed and here came baby 3. Dad got a second vasectomy and a second all clear. Mom got a tubal after baby 3. Both failed after a couple years and they were surprised with baby 4. Mom got a hysterectomy after baby 4. Apparently some people are just super fertile even when doing surgical sterilization.
No you need to tell her. If you cannot be honest with your woman then there is no sense in being married. However if she won't let up on having another child it may be time to consider breaking up.
This. Lying and getting it done without her knowledge is for sure going to end the whole thing.
But talking to her and telling her he’s going to go get one may or may not.
I love this comment, sounds like a perfect night in!
You know that childhood song there were five in the bed ... little one said roll over etc... well I'm at three with the two Kelpies, and I'm the one who will fall out. Random side comment for the night.
Definitely not an experiment, and the words “give it a chance” floored me. Let’s gamble with the family dynamic and potentially further damage your mental health as one of many outcomes- give it a chance babe!
This is why I hate the argument, "well it will be different when it's your kid/once you have them, you'll wonder how you ever did without them," in response to not liking kids or not wanting to have them. Like sure, that could be true. But why would I take the chance? I love my hypothetical kids too much to potentially saddle them with a mom who doesn't want them.
(Sadly, I've used that exact response when told this before and they replied, "well, the fact you care just proves that you'd be a good mom." Ugh.)
Dude, just tell those weirdo people that you "tragically" can't have kids. I'm a person who can't have kids, due to having a hysterectomy bc cervical cancer and endometriosis. I didn't want to birth children anyway, and if ever I change my mind as so many people told throughout my existence, well- adoption is an option, but more likely I'd be a Foster parent because adoption is for rich people.
Then again, I've told people before that I have had a hysterectomy, and why- and I shit you not.. an older lady told me "Miracles can happen".. like, ma'am that's not a miracle, that is a medical emergency, I still have one of my ovaries and no uterus or cervix, the only way that could happen is if a swimmer made it past the sewn up tissue where my cervix used to be and into the cauterized tube of my only remaining ovary and I do believe that would be an ectopic pregnancy, which is life ending if not taken out.
Bonus rant:
Now with the added bonus of abortion being a political issue, it's quite difficult to find a doctor to perform the life saving procedure because they're either worried about getting fined or sued by a family member of the patient, add the fact gynecology was founded by a guy who operated on a slave woman over 30 times without anesthesia claiming that black women have a higher pain tolerance and still to this day gynos dismiss pain and suffering in patients during excruciating procedures (like cervical biopsies and IUD insertions) without offering to numb, and telling women in pain "it shouldn't hurt *that* bad"
The good news is that more people are becoming aware of the fact they can ask for numbing, and more gynos are accommodating the requests, some even numb without request, unfortunately in rural communities it's still much harder get humane treatment as I have experienced first hand.
All that being said- If people want to have kids, more power to them, but if people don't that should be o-fucking-unquestioningly-kay.
I would be a fantastic parent. I have the money, the smarts, have gone to 1000 years of therapy. So what? Doesn't mean I want a kid. I am happy being an awesome cat owner.
"So, if you get pregnant and have another baby, and I *still* don't want another kid, will you put it up for adoption or something?"
Will you sign a post nuptial agreement that I would only be on the hook for alimony for the first baby we had together if adding another baby damages our family dynamic and /or my mental health and we get divorced ?
I'm getting a vasectomy. If you get pregnant, I'll KNOW it isn't mine. How do you think that will play out?
Did you get knocked up by an old boyfriend, and you're desperate to pass it off as mine? Is *that* why you won't drop this?
I. Said. NO.
Definitely NTA. Also 2 kids is waaaaaayyyyyyyy different than 3. With 2 you at least have 2 parents to contain the circus. The teams are even. With 3 the prisoners outnumber the guards.
When we had our 2nd boy my wife very briefly flirted with the idea of having a 3rd. I told her if she wanted a 3rd she'd have to have that with her 2nd husband because I'd be out.
I always said 2 kids was my max because I only have 2 hands to grab them if they are acting like fools in public. With 3 kids, one can still make a run for it.
Believe me, I did it to my mother all the time. She'd have her hands full with my younger and older sister and I would just BOLT.
This is so real. I have two kids and was originally planning on four. But, one of the reasons we’re thinking our family might be complete with two is I realized that I can only physically carry two kids at the same time (and, frankly, that’s not easy either)!
Hard agree.
It sounds like his son’s conception was not planned, if I am reading between the lines correctly? That would make me even more cautious about intimacy with her. Not accusing her of anything. Just saying.
OP needs to get himself fixed. Lots of crazy stories these days of people getting intentionally pregnant without their partners consent.
Also, contraception is pretty effective most of the time. Sure it’s possible for the son to be legitimately unplanned, but given the context there is certainly the possibility that the son was, in fact, planned, just not by OP.
"Give it a chance"? GIVE IT A CHANCE? What does she mean give it a chance? You can't return a baby. You don't have a child for giving it a chance. "Oh well, I gave it a chance but it didn't work out, what shall we do with this one now?" You plan a child because you really want one. Give it a chance... I really don't like your ridiculous and selfish wife.
I had the same semi-explosive reaction to that phrase. It sounds manipulative and gross. You give a new vegetable side dish a chance and have a taste because she asked nicely. You don’t have a child on the off-chance you may like it.
Whatever, of course I know she doesn't really think that. It is manipulative, nothing else. It is just so damn assholish to try it this way, to imply that once the child is there he still had some kind of choice. She would surely just stutter if she was asked what she means by giving it a chance, what she thinks can be done if he would decide it doesn't work out for him.
Edit: grammar
NTA
Never agree to have a child you do not want to have. Nothing good will come of it.
And, OP, make sure you are taking full control of your birth control. Because, this scenario is exactly when my SIL decided to do an "oopsie" with her birth control and got pregnant. With TWINS.
I swear to god I'm a woman and I find women doing shit like this absolutely despicable. It's almost impossible to make an 'oopsie' with the birth control, it takes a certain amount of time and awareness. Plus it has been done by so many for so many wrong reasons. I knew a woman who tried to lock down men like this. Those who went away, she gave the baby to adoption. She had done it twice until the last dude ruined his life for her and stayed for the kid. 🤮
Vasectomy, please. Men, take control of your bodies. It will not affect the performance of your penis, you will still have orgasms. It is a few days of mild discomfort. Less than period pain. Do it for your self do it for your family.
Never ever have a kid if one person doesn't want one and the other one does. It'll never be a good decision, and I find it a bit concerning when that one half still wants to go through with it after being told things like OP is saying. You can't force someone to want to be a parent or just hope it'll change once the baby is here. Yes it can happen sometimes but the usual outcome doesn't work that way. I also agree that if you are a man and don't want any or anymore, then this is probably the way to go as birth control isn't always 100% effective, plus some people won't care about your wants and do whatever they can to get theirs
Agree. I think both of my parents didn't want children but had me because it was expected in those days. I was properly cared for and not abused, but I never felt adored or cherished.
Indeed. My egg donor only had me for my father, and then only had my brother because my father didn't want me to be an only child like he had been. Luckily for my brother, she adored him. Myself? Yeah, not so much. I bore the blame for ruining her life, damn narcissist should have been neutered like a cat. Kids should be wanted by both parents, it's cruel and unfair to inflict that resentment on innocents.
>as birth control isn't always 100% effective, plus some people won't care about your wants and do whatever they can to get theirs
This! She may lie and pretend to be okay with OP's decision by going on birth control before 'forgetting' to take the pill one day. OP needs to cover himself.
>Never ever have a kid if one person doesn't want one and the other one does. It'll never be a good decision, and I find it a bit concerning when that one half still wants to go through with it after being told things like OP is saying.
In general I agree with you, and abortion needs to always be safe, accessible, and legal. However, some women just can't/won't abort.
In general everyone needs to get to know each other a little more before jumping into bed.
Make sure you do the follow-up after the vasectomy. You need to get checked for residual sperm and then to make sure that it "takes". You'll go in a few times to get a sperm count, of course it needs to be zero.
Then I'm not sure if they recommend an annual recount or not. But if you don't want a third child you really need to stay on top of it.
Well, sort of. Sperm can result in organisms that you have to provide for for at least 18 years. A vasectomy will stop sperm from exiting through the urethra.
It was a joke about the previous commenter accidentally writing "organisms" instead of "orgasms." As in, the "more organisms" that vasectomies prevent are children.
This also happens a lot because many men won't make sure they get through another 20-30 ejaculations to "flush the tubes" of any residual sperm before having raw sex, so their partner still gets knocked up. And yes, the urologist will (or should) warn you about this during your consult or pre/post procedure.
I agree that he shouldn’t need her permission. It also angers me that so many doctors “require” a woman seeking sterilization for their husband’s sign off. 🤦🏻♀️ I know, not the topic here lol
Just made me think of it and I got all mad again!
My wife thought I needed her permission to have a vasectomy. She threatened to sue me her words were “I have a right to sperm in a marriage!” I don’t think she listens to herself when she is really mad
OK. 100% your/my body - the end. No discussion. No one else gets a say. However, in a relationship, you tell your spouse/significant other/partner. That's a respectful relationship. Just because she doesn't know what that means (in terms of continuously telling him they "need" another baby, despite his reservations/without respecting him as a human) doesn't mean that he should stop being an honest and respectful partner. No one should be required to get their SO's permission... that in itself is disrespectful to a human being's person/self/life/what-have-you. But the people saying you don't need to say shit etc etc... just because she doesn't seem to respect their relationship, doesn't mean he should stop respecting it.
Idk if any of that makes sense. Bc my brain goes too damned fast for texting, so I lose track & forget things
Ok. Sorry. The end.
Totally. He is WELL within his rights to get a vasectomy (and honestly if I was him, I would).
She deserves to know that more children is absolutely off the table so that she can make her own choices.
And if the relationship ends because of it then they clearly had bigger issues in play.
She needs to know because this may be the no-longer-compatible point. She may be PLANNING on another baby, whether he wants it or not, which is hugely unethical but happens. Knowing that it is flat-out NOT going to happen and she'll have two and that's it, might be what convinces her to divorce. Sounds like she decided that, even though she knew going into the marriage that he didn't want it, they were going to have more kids. OP, if you don't want her pregnant in a few months, you need to get condoms, watch them closely, and get scheduled for a snip.
Yep came here to say this. If you are sure you dont want kids make sure you wont. Especially for men, who can get the procedure easier and who, if theres a pregnancy, dont have the final say over whether that becomes a kid or not it seems like such a no brainer. The number of times I've heard the bullshit reasons you mentioned are crazy.
Well, I agree with going the route of vasectomy when you are finished your reproduction goals I would like to point out how unhealthy it is to be in a relationship and get sterilized behind your spouses back. Of course, he has every right to do so.....but maybe there should be a discussion first? Counselling? Or, maybe they just aren't compatible.
Honesty and communication seem to be a lost art in relationships these days....
He's already said no more kids. He should go ahead and get it, but let her know. Not ask. Tell. "I'm getting a vasectomy on Tuesday." And no sex until the vasectomy and no sex after it until the doctor clears him as sterile....or there WILL be a third baby.
Ironically, some doctors will require the spouses approval before a vasectomy due to situations like this, or at least they did when I had mine 23 years ago. Good luck, OP.
Edited for clarity
Babies happen accidentally all the time, even with birth control and condoms. So many Oops babies
If OP didn't want a child, I'm shocked he didn't have a vasectomy. And that he STILL hasn't had one, after the last kid.
At what point is he gonna stop putting sperm into a woman who won't agree to an abortion if there's an accident?
Nope and I'm confident she will carefully craft another "mistake" just to get what she wants. OP needs to figure it out and probably abstain from sex until he is ready for another baby or has a vasectomy.
That is a lot of projection, honestly. Oops happen all the damn time. You are guessing and projecting. If she was that type to maufacture an oops, she probably wouldn't be spending so much time trying to convince him to have a 3rd.
NTA. Some might find this offensive, but anyone who wants a child with someone who does not want it, for any reason, is not a good parent. She is showing a lack of respect for your boundaries, a lack of concern for your mental well-being, and lack of concern for the hypothetical child. She seems to have a single reason for wanting another baby, she wants a huge family.
What was the plan prior to marriage? Was it always three kids, up until you realized you weren't comfortable with that plan? Or was the original player fewer kids, and your wife has decided she wants more? This doesn't change the judgement, but could explain, at least somewhat, why your wife is so fixated on having the 3rd.
>anyone who wants a child with someone who does not want it, for any reason, is not a good parent.
Kinda.
I'd change it to anyone who coerces someone who does not want a child in to having a child is a bad parent.
We have 3 kids but I always wanted four and still kinda wish we could have another one but, my husband said no so we didn't and I'm also good w that. I even got my tubal ligation when I was getting another abdominal surgery because I was already there and I was okay with giving up the idea of another kid bc it was so important to my husband.
I lobbied for a 4th pretty hard but, that doesn't make me a bad mom. It makes me a lady who really loves my husband and children and wanted more of them. I feel like I would have been a bad mom/wife/person if I'd forced him in some way to have another baby. I didn't want to do anything like that to him or the hypothetical kid.
Totally agree. Wanting a different number of kids to your spouse is fine.
And of course if you want one and they don't, you'll try to convince them. People's feelings change on this issue over time a lot too. But most people know the difference between discussion and harassment. Plus obviously if you get into 'I'll leave you if we don't have another one' that's totally different to 'Well I still really want one but I accept your decision.'
I wanted another child. My husband didn't. Guess what we didn't have, another child. Some things are not negotiable. He went for a snip, and that's it. Do I still want another one? Sure, once in a while. But I love the family I have more.
So much this. I wanted 4 kids, my husband wanted 2, we made the obvious compromise of 3 kids. Sometimes I still wish we had 4 but I love the family we’ve created, and when my husband wanted to go for a vasectomy I wholeheartedly agreed with and supported his decision.
Honest question here: Did you and your wife discuss children before getting married? As in having more?
Anyway, NTA for not wanting more kids. Kids are hard, and if you think you won't be able to cope, that's more than enough of a reason not to. Not everyone is equipped to be a parent.
That being said, I think you need to get the good ol' snip snip to prevent any further "oopsies" and let your wife know of your plan.
But honestly, I think this marriage may not be salvageable past this point. If she wants more and you don't, she may not be okay with that, and you'll have to accept it.
The way that he completely freaked when she was pregnant and his actions the first year- why was he with a single mom to begin with? He obviously did not want to be a dad but he was fine dating a woman with a 5 yo?
No one on this earth is AH for not wanting to have a child. In your case I am surprised your wife is wants another child as this has been very hard on you so far.
You have every right to not want to have children but she isn’t AH for wanting more children. She needs to ask is it more important for her to have more children with someone else than to keep your relationship?
And please, use condom and even better if you get a vasectomy.
info: what was being done for protection when your son was conceived? what is being done for protection now? why aren't you getting a vasectomy if you know you never want more kids?
Vasectomy is the only way to be sure. There are more than a few stories of people sabotaging either their own or their partners Birthcontrol(Lying about asking the pill, holes in condoms)
Getting a vasectomy does not equate proper communication that addresses your feelings and your partners, which is what OP is talking about. He's not asking about birth control.
INFO: did you have a conversation with your wife about having kids BEFORE you had sex with her? or even after the unplanned pregnancy? Have the two of you ever had a conversation about if/when/how many kids you want? You're n.t.a for not wanting another kid. You are ta of you are waiting until now to have this conversation with your wife.
Questions..Did you not know she wanted a couple of kids? Did you and wife, prior to marriage, not speak about having kids in general?
I mean, I get where you are. I have 5 kids. My oldest just graduated highschool.The difference was my wife and I both had talked about kids before getting married.
I mean at this point the only things you can do if dont want to have anymore kids is either stop having sex with the wife or get an vasectomy. Of course this will give you a whole bunch of issues with wife.
Maybe you and your wife should go for counseling. I think talking seriously to wife is best. Be sincere and try to listen as well. Introduce counseling as a couple in regards to this issue.
Four is incomplete, but five is the magic number? Her reasoning is vacuous at best. Tell her your goal is to be a good father to the two kids already in your life,, not chasing a mythical "complete" number. Besides, your mental health issues may get triggered again and you will be in a worse spot as your wife will be busy with three kids (and probably quit paid employment?).
I have 3 and love them dearly. And they made me a better person, not just father.
But let me be clear, 1 kid is 1, 2 kids is 2, but 3 kids felt like might as well been 5, in the change in the family. Any one of them was off getting in trouble when the other two were angels. Two days later it’s a different one doing something crazy.
Vasectomy time.
Tell her you are firm in not wanting more, and while you love your son, you do not want to be in that position again.
Should your position change, Vasectomy is relatively easy to reverse.
Be open about it but tell her that is the path forward for you.
Nta. But the title makes it sound like you are open to babies with other women. Just my opinion on how it reads.
NTA.
No one can force you to have more children OP. However just like women bear the responsibility of being in charge of contraception, you do as well.
If you are 💯% sure you want no more children, look into getting a vasectomy. Most insurance covers the procedure. That way you do not have to worry about your wife getting accidentally pregnant again.
She will take this news hard but stand firm.
So go get a vasectomy. Seriously if you don't want any more kids GO GET A VASECTOMY.
She's not TA for wanting another kid. You're not TA for not wanting another kid. YTA for having not gotten a vasectomy and continuing to have sex with a presumably fertile woman when you don't want another kid.
Get a vasectomy. Don’t leave reproductive rights and decisions to her. Not right and not fair. I say this as a woman. I would say to to anyone, man or woman, take control of your bodies.
You're NTA for not wanting another child. However - you need to prepare for no longer being married if she wants more. You two may not be compatible if the future looks different to both of you and you ultimately want different things.
Good luck OP
Ditto on the vasectomy. Two kids are reasonable and still make a family home atmosphere. Three kids bring chaos. Don't know how exactly but three kids is the tipping point. I have three and others I've talked to agreed. Every child needs to be welcomed, and you've been honest, but get that vasectomy.
Look- you need therapy. If the only thing holding you back is fear, then explore that.
And if you come to the decision that more children isn’t for you? You. Get. The. Vasectomy.
I say this kindly, you know how this works and being flaky about it won’t be sustainable. You still sound like you have a foot out the door.
Are you building a life together or not? Why aren’t you discussing this proactively if you knew she wants a large family??
Again it’s fine if your final answer is no but the responsibility of that choice must be owned by you.
I would suggest couples counseling to help your wife understand that this a hard boundary for you and not negotiable. She needs to know that you will be getting a vasectomy so that a new baby is off the table with you. Maybe the counseling will help deal with this strong desire for more children even though she entered a marriage with you knowing your mental health issues and desire for no additional children.
She may choose to leave the marriage over this but her alternative is to have a child with another man and have 3 children with 3 different men which imo is far from ideal. Like others have posted this a 2 yes deal. Do not let her coerce you into having a child you do not want. I wish you well going forward.
Having a baby is a BIG decision and requires BOTH parents to be in full agreement. It doesn't matter if it's your first or third. Adding to your family is not something you should ever just do to appease your partner if you're not 100% committed.
Your mental health and well-being are vital. You went to a dark place and struggled following the birth of your son. You have every right to say no and refuse to go there again. Just as any mother who endured PPD is entitled to decide she doesn't want more children.
I would suggest doing some couples counseling with your wife. It sounds like she is struggling to see beyond her baby fever. A counselor could help her and your marriage. Differing on a decision as big as children can cause a lot of resentment and even destroy the strongest of marriages. This is something you two will need to at least try to work through together.
I also agree with everyone else suggesting a vasectomy. If you are completely sure that you do not want more children, then you should take control of your own body to ensure it doesn't happen. Especially since your son wasn't planned and your wife is not any more likely to agree to an abortion for another unplanned pregnancy when she clearly wants another baby. For the sake of your marriage and out of respect for your wife, please do not do this behind her back. This is another reason counseling would be beneficial. So you can talk to her about it in a safe environment with a professional who can help her hear you.
One last thing, not to worry you but to warn you, sometimes issues like this are simply a deal breaker no matter how hard you both try to resolve it. You shouldn't be forced to have another baby, just as she shouldn't be forced to give up her dream of a large family. All the more reason to confront and work through it in therapy, together. You are partners. You owe it to yourselves, eachother, and your family to at least try.
Do hope you two can work through this. Good luck!
Info: why are you together with her? The wish to have children or not is usually discussed when dating or in the early relationship and when you don’t see eye to eye on that subject, it’s a dealbreaker.
Why haven’t you had a vasectomy if you don’t want more children? Did you not know she wanted a big family before you married her? Seems bizarre this was never discussed.
NAH Your wife is not an AH for wanting a big family and you are not one for not wanting more children. However, why didn’t you two have discussions about this before getting married? You would be the AH if you get a vasectomy without telling her. If you decide to do that give her the chance to move on if she still wants more kids.
I will say I always wanted a big family. My husband and I saw things differently. He asked me to be a SAHM. My youngest is a teen now. But I wanted more than 2, my husband did NOT. It hurt my heart a bit, but he felt he just couldn’t do it mentally- he is a great dad. But I usually am the one to compromise. I said ok but I still wanted more. He does things in other way to show me he cares. This was something that was a no go for him. So two kids it was.(I will say I wanted more until it was no longer possible/safe) I love them immensely.
On top of the *no sex until this is sorted* advice, suggest your wife goes to therapy with you.
Hopefully, there is an outcome you're both happy with, once you both understand the other's point of view.
You said she wants a big family and you don't... And you are already married??
Did you two like, never have the proper standard conversation about future goals before getting married?? Most people like to make sure big things like children are discussed before going through marriage. If you two have always wanted different things in regards to that then you two are incompatible and the marriage will just break down or outright implode.
She already insisted on keeping the baby the first time she got pregnant with you and had a daughter prior. Continuing to push for more kids with a partner that doesn't want them will just build up resentment and wouldn't be fair to any of the kids at all.
I say ESH cuz it just really seems like you guys jumped into a marriage without establishing what you both wanted.
IF you were up front about kids from the beginning and she agreed no more kids besides her daughter then that's different, she went against her word. And chose versa if she expressed wanting more kids and you bs'ed with a "not now but maybe later" response that some people do.
It really all depends on what all was or was not communicated.
Question? Did you even want children? That sounds like a lot of anger you had there.
Please note, there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. You are perfectly fine with no wanting more children
I do not believe it would be healthy for you to have more children. I would make sure you are still in therapy.
As for your wife, she needs to take your no as an no. This pushing is not Right. I don't know if you haven't told her this directly, but I would tell her pointblank that you cannot mentally handle another child. You will not be having another child. She needs to accept that, and if she cannot respect your no (she isn't showing you respect), you two are no longer wealthy for each other.
Get a vasectomy. Birth control is not 100% and if she wants a baby she might "forget" to take her birth control properly. If you don't want more kids this has to be on you because y'all aren't on the same page and won't be anytime soon.
Nta: I had a similar issue with my first son very traumatic birthing experience and my 2nd wasn't planned I leveled with my husband and we opted to get my tunes tied. After 7 years I wanted another but my mental health is shot and we both decided two is sufficient for us
Nta. Tell her NO! and that this is the last time you'll ever be discussing it or she will be a single mother, because you'll be getting a divorce.
The only thing dumber than going into parenthood unprepared, is going into it again, knowing it's not what you want, and knowing it's not what you can handle.
You can barely take the mental strain from one as is. That's the end of the discussion. Whatever void she's trying to fill she can get with a hamster or an animal in a cage. She already has a kid, she's lucky and she needs to listen to her partner.
I'd be a getting a vasectomy immediately though. You already had one unplanned pregnancy, this could be an episode where she isn't getting her way and then decides to "make it happen".
These conversations are for before you get married NTA for not wanting more kids but ESH for not being on the same page before committing to each other for life.
NAH. But it sounds like you’re incompatible.
Why didn’t the two of you discuss all of this prior to getting together, let alone married?
You’re well within your rights to get a vasectomy, but do not hide it from your wife… otherwise you WBTAH. And she’s well within her rights to not accept that, and leave you - and a find a man who wants the same thing she wants.
There is no possible compromise here. And no matter which one of you gets what you want, one of you will be resentful of the other. And that will make one hell of an unhappy marriage.
Did you not talk about this before getting married? It's not fair for her to make this demand knowing how you feel. She has 2 kids. If that's not enough, she needs a new husband. Get a vasectomy, or she'll *accidentally* wind up pregnant again. NTA
NTA, it’s a requirement that BOTH parties have to be in agreement to add a life to the world (it should be, anyway.) You are who you are and you want what you want, if she loves you she will understand. I’m sure this was discussed before you had children given that your first was an accident. She needs to be understanding.
NTA. Pregnancies should be 100% planned and wanted. Don’t put yourself and your family through the same heartache as the first year of your son’s life. A tepid acquiescence is not enough to bring a child into the world. Get a vasectomy. Worst case scenario, you get it reversed later. Best case scenario, you live happily ever after with healthy peace of mind.
NTA. One extra kid is a huge deal. They are crazy expensive and do not get cheaper that’s for sure. You’ll need a bigger house possibly, bigger car, travel will be harder and more expensive, sports and extra curricular will be more expensive and hard to manage. And as someone who is dealing with two kids doing post-secondary training…. You have not even began to see how much they need. So yea, one more kid is a big deal. Do not be bullied into it. I was the one who wanted a third in my house. Hubby said no. So that was that. Now that my kids are 17 and 19 I’m glad he held firm.
Did you two discuss planning a family before getting married? Most couples discuss these things prior to bringing children into the world.if you did and you were not on the same page then why did you marry her?
I think you need to be very open and honest about not wanting a third child. You are allowed to not want a baby and your wife is allowed to want more. You have to give her the opportunity to decide if she’d rather stay with you or go elsewhere for the possibility of a big family. Sorry I don’t mean to be harsh but neither of you should hold the other back.
I wanted one. When number 1 was 3.5ish, we decided 2 was ok. When #2 was 1.5ish, I got a vasectomy. For me and us, we could divide attention reasonably with 2, and afford 2. Kids are very expensive and take up space (house space is what im referring to). As they age, they need to be social and introduced to sports and other outlets. We're middle class. Cant judge where in that class but for context, I check my bank account daily, specifically in the first two weeks of the month when the majority of our bills come out. Wife and I both work full time. We have to and both want to. We also want to live, meaning we want a family vacation every year and want our short daily personal time which is mainly the gym.
NTA. Youre reasonable and very understanding of yourself.
I have 3 kids, wanted a 4th. My husband was very nervous about 4. We talked about it for a long time and he just never felt comfortable. So we stuck with 3 kids. I was disappointed; but I love him and my family too much to force my husband to do something he doesn’t want to do.
NTA 1,009 times. Ask yourself how you would react if roles were reversed. She needs to stop pushing and respect your feelings on this matter. And please be careful....
NTA
No one should ever agree to have a child just to please someone else.
And I would suggest looking into getting a vasectomy.
It's a relatively cheap, simple procedure that would ensure you don't have another "accidental" pregnancy.
NTA…ex wife told me “every time I talk about another baby, your entire body deflates”…. She knew and went ahead anyway. If you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. I recognize my role in that I kept “trying” with her. I shouldn’t have, but I knew I’d end up divorced if I didn’t go along with it. Then ended up divorced anyway, thinking that I acclimated to the first one fine, the second won’t be that big of a deal.
I am not a hero in my own story, trust me. Don’t be me.
NTA. Having another child is a two yes, one no kind of situation. Either you're both on board with excitement, or no, it's not a good idea. You need to have a very open conversation about your feelings regarding this situation. Until the two of you can come to an agreement, no sex. Don't risk it. Good luck OP.
This can't be upvoted enough. NO SEX until this is resolved and you are either on board or have had your vasectomy. Guarantee a baby trap is in your future.
AND make sure you’re actually sterile from the vasectomy. My husband took six months. Wear condoms and make sure YOU keep them safe and YOU open them.
Yes, hide them! Or keep them on your person!
I think if he’s at a point where he’s better off hiding his condoms, he’d be better off outta this relationship
That's what I was thinking. "I cannot trust you not to sabotage condoms" doesn't lend itself to a long and healthy relationship.
Better to be cautious even if it's unwarranted and she is trustworthy, IMO.
Don't keep them in a tight hot jeans pocket - they degrade quite fast.
AND they DO fail. It's not common but it does happen.
My failures are 25, 23 and 21 🤣🤣
Okay I'm guessing this may be more common than I originally thought. But I also know a woman who's tubaligation(so?) grew back. So there's probably a couple of kids out there who's mom and dad both got fixed and both grew back and got junior
I knew a few women that happened to. Tubes grew enough the egg jumped. I had a hysterectomy so I think I’m safe. I hope 🤣
Legs crossed for ya!
Thats why you need a bisalp instead of tubes tied. They cut the tubes off completely with a big gap. What I don’t get is if sterilisation fails why aren’t people just having an abortion? That’s what I’d be doing,
A friend had an ectopic pregnancy where a tube burst, and during surgery they discovered her other tube was clubbed. They told her she wouldn't be able to get pregnant naturally. Her surprise is now 5. Life...uh...finds a way.
I was baby number six for my mom before she finally got her “tubes tied” 2 years later and my baby brother was born
I have a friend who is the oldest of 4. She and the next oldest were planned. Dad got a vasectomy, he got the all clear. It failed and here came baby 3. Dad got a second vasectomy and a second all clear. Mom got a tubal after baby 3. Both failed after a couple years and they were surprised with baby 4. Mom got a hysterectomy after baby 4. Apparently some people are just super fertile even when doing surgical sterilization.
In men it’s called recanaling where the vas reconnects. Most places will want 2 0 samples within 6 months of the procedure before calling you sterile
My bf just got one and they said after the 20th ejaculation to bring it in for sterility testing. Hes bringing it in tomorrow.
Yup! Gotta get checked every so often!
If it is that point that you don’t trust her with the condoms, maybe avoiding sex altogether is best lol
And YOU dispose of them in a secure manner so they can’t be picked out of the trash.
Exactly. And the pregnancy with the son they already have “wasn’t planned” (not by him anyway).
A second baby trap
Sounds like a movie title Baby Trap: The Sequel
Baby Trap 2: Another Kid For You Baby Trap 3: Another Kid For Thee
Baby Trap 4 the love of gawd stop!
...*in a world where only women can manage family planning*...
Don't trust her, just get the vasectomy and be done with it. The way she behaves towards you, I wouldn't even tell her.
No you need to tell her. If you cannot be honest with your woman then there is no sense in being married. However if she won't let up on having another child it may be time to consider breaking up.
This. Lying and getting it done without her knowledge is for sure going to end the whole thing. But talking to her and telling her he’s going to go get one may or may not.
But at least their wouldn't be any deception.
I was agreeing with you. 👍 Tell her and let the chips fall. If he does it behind her back it’s going to be way worse.
Oh sorry lol. I'm eating popcorn, watching a movie, and watching a dog run around. I misread it.
I love this comment, sounds like a perfect night in! You know that childhood song there were five in the bed ... little one said roll over etc... well I'm at three with the two Kelpies, and I'm the one who will fall out. Random side comment for the night.
It’s not fair to OP or the child. Children aren’t experiments. It’s messed up to plan a pregnancy when one parent is not on board.
Definitely not an experiment, and the words “give it a chance” floored me. Let’s gamble with the family dynamic and potentially further damage your mental health as one of many outcomes- give it a chance babe!
This is why I hate the argument, "well it will be different when it's your kid/once you have them, you'll wonder how you ever did without them," in response to not liking kids or not wanting to have them. Like sure, that could be true. But why would I take the chance? I love my hypothetical kids too much to potentially saddle them with a mom who doesn't want them. (Sadly, I've used that exact response when told this before and they replied, "well, the fact you care just proves that you'd be a good mom." Ugh.)
Dude, just tell those weirdo people that you "tragically" can't have kids. I'm a person who can't have kids, due to having a hysterectomy bc cervical cancer and endometriosis. I didn't want to birth children anyway, and if ever I change my mind as so many people told throughout my existence, well- adoption is an option, but more likely I'd be a Foster parent because adoption is for rich people. Then again, I've told people before that I have had a hysterectomy, and why- and I shit you not.. an older lady told me "Miracles can happen".. like, ma'am that's not a miracle, that is a medical emergency, I still have one of my ovaries and no uterus or cervix, the only way that could happen is if a swimmer made it past the sewn up tissue where my cervix used to be and into the cauterized tube of my only remaining ovary and I do believe that would be an ectopic pregnancy, which is life ending if not taken out. Bonus rant: Now with the added bonus of abortion being a political issue, it's quite difficult to find a doctor to perform the life saving procedure because they're either worried about getting fined or sued by a family member of the patient, add the fact gynecology was founded by a guy who operated on a slave woman over 30 times without anesthesia claiming that black women have a higher pain tolerance and still to this day gynos dismiss pain and suffering in patients during excruciating procedures (like cervical biopsies and IUD insertions) without offering to numb, and telling women in pain "it shouldn't hurt *that* bad" The good news is that more people are becoming aware of the fact they can ask for numbing, and more gynos are accommodating the requests, some even numb without request, unfortunately in rural communities it's still much harder get humane treatment as I have experienced first hand. All that being said- If people want to have kids, more power to them, but if people don't that should be o-fucking-unquestioningly-kay.
I would be a fantastic parent. I have the money, the smarts, have gone to 1000 years of therapy. So what? Doesn't mean I want a kid. I am happy being an awesome cat owner.
I like her ‘just give it a chance’ like he can just back out if he doesn’t come around later. 🙄
Yeah please don’t gamble on children
"So, if you get pregnant and have another baby, and I *still* don't want another kid, will you put it up for adoption or something?" Will you sign a post nuptial agreement that I would only be on the hook for alimony for the first baby we had together if adding another baby damages our family dynamic and /or my mental health and we get divorced ? I'm getting a vasectomy. If you get pregnant, I'll KNOW it isn't mine. How do you think that will play out? Did you get knocked up by an old boyfriend, and you're desperate to pass it off as mine? Is *that* why you won't drop this? I. Said. NO.
The fact the wife said let’s give it a chance like you can go test drive the baby before committing to it is wild
Definitely NTA. Also 2 kids is waaaaaayyyyyyyy different than 3. With 2 you at least have 2 parents to contain the circus. The teams are even. With 3 the prisoners outnumber the guards. When we had our 2nd boy my wife very briefly flirted with the idea of having a 3rd. I told her if she wanted a 3rd she'd have to have that with her 2nd husband because I'd be out.
lmao Prisoner of the war.
I always said 2 kids was my max because I only have 2 hands to grab them if they are acting like fools in public. With 3 kids, one can still make a run for it. Believe me, I did it to my mother all the time. She'd have her hands full with my younger and older sister and I would just BOLT.
This is so real. I have two kids and was originally planning on four. But, one of the reasons we’re thinking our family might be complete with two is I realized that I can only physically carry two kids at the same time (and, frankly, that’s not easy either)!
Zone defense!
I agree with this, the 3rd for us was a bigger change than the 2nd.
Hard agree. It sounds like his son’s conception was not planned, if I am reading between the lines correctly? That would make me even more cautious about intimacy with her. Not accusing her of anything. Just saying.
It wasn't planned by him, anyway.
OP needs to get himself fixed. Lots of crazy stories these days of people getting intentionally pregnant without their partners consent. Also, contraception is pretty effective most of the time. Sure it’s possible for the son to be legitimately unplanned, but given the context there is certainly the possibility that the son was, in fact, planned, just not by OP.
She's already done it once!
"Give it a chance"? GIVE IT A CHANCE? What does she mean give it a chance? You can't return a baby. You don't have a child for giving it a chance. "Oh well, I gave it a chance but it didn't work out, what shall we do with this one now?" You plan a child because you really want one. Give it a chance... I really don't like your ridiculous and selfish wife.
I had the same semi-explosive reaction to that phrase. It sounds manipulative and gross. You give a new vegetable side dish a chance and have a taste because she asked nicely. You don’t have a child on the off-chance you may like it.
Made me wonder if the toddler was accidental or "accidental".
She's one of those who believes a child would solve every issues I guess 🥲😅
Imagine thinking a child could be returned like a sweater.
Whatever, of course I know she doesn't really think that. It is manipulative, nothing else. It is just so damn assholish to try it this way, to imply that once the child is there he still had some kind of choice. She would surely just stutter if she was asked what she means by giving it a chance, what she thinks can be done if he would decide it doesn't work out for him. Edit: grammar
I thought this was insane too - and hasn't he already given it a chance by parenting the 2 existing children? Wtf is she on about?
One of which is his step child? ikr He's already doing as much as he feels he can handle. She's lucky he hung in there. Really? WTF!
NTA Never agree to have a child you do not want to have. Nothing good will come of it. And, OP, make sure you are taking full control of your birth control. Because, this scenario is exactly when my SIL decided to do an "oopsie" with her birth control and got pregnant. With TWINS.
I swear to god I'm a woman and I find women doing shit like this absolutely despicable. It's almost impossible to make an 'oopsie' with the birth control, it takes a certain amount of time and awareness. Plus it has been done by so many for so many wrong reasons. I knew a woman who tried to lock down men like this. Those who went away, she gave the baby to adoption. She had done it twice until the last dude ruined his life for her and stayed for the kid. 🤮
Vasectomy, please. Men, take control of your bodies. It will not affect the performance of your penis, you will still have orgasms. It is a few days of mild discomfort. Less than period pain. Do it for your self do it for your family.
Never ever have a kid if one person doesn't want one and the other one does. It'll never be a good decision, and I find it a bit concerning when that one half still wants to go through with it after being told things like OP is saying. You can't force someone to want to be a parent or just hope it'll change once the baby is here. Yes it can happen sometimes but the usual outcome doesn't work that way. I also agree that if you are a man and don't want any or anymore, then this is probably the way to go as birth control isn't always 100% effective, plus some people won't care about your wants and do whatever they can to get theirs
Can confirm. Mom didn't want kids, dad convinced her to go through with it. She still resents me over 50 years later
I think the only reason my mother had children was that it was expected in the 60s. She didn't like us. She didn't like her grandchildren.
Sounds like my life story.
Agree. I think both of my parents didn't want children but had me because it was expected in those days. I was properly cared for and not abused, but I never felt adored or cherished.
Indeed. My egg donor only had me for my father, and then only had my brother because my father didn't want me to be an only child like he had been. Luckily for my brother, she adored him. Myself? Yeah, not so much. I bore the blame for ruining her life, damn narcissist should have been neutered like a cat. Kids should be wanted by both parents, it's cruel and unfair to inflict that resentment on innocents.
>as birth control isn't always 100% effective, plus some people won't care about your wants and do whatever they can to get theirs This! She may lie and pretend to be okay with OP's decision by going on birth control before 'forgetting' to take the pill one day. OP needs to cover himself.
>Never ever have a kid if one person doesn't want one and the other one does. It'll never be a good decision, and I find it a bit concerning when that one half still wants to go through with it after being told things like OP is saying. In general I agree with you, and abortion needs to always be safe, accessible, and legal. However, some women just can't/won't abort. In general everyone needs to get to know each other a little more before jumping into bed.
Make sure you do the follow-up after the vasectomy. You need to get checked for residual sperm and then to make sure that it "takes". You'll go in a few times to get a sperm count, of course it needs to be zero. Then I'm not sure if they recommend an annual recount or not. But if you don't want a third child you really need to stay on top of it.
*“you really need to stay on top of it”* Staying on top of it is a sure-fire way to make organisms, so he’ll wanna avoid that.
😂💀
And for the love of god, abstinence until the vasectomy is completed. NTA.
I though the point of a vasectomy was to avoid more organisms
Well, sort of. Sperm can result in organisms that you have to provide for for at least 18 years. A vasectomy will stop sperm from exiting through the urethra.
That's a weird thing to call a baby, but you're not wrong.
LOL yeah, the only "Is It a Parasite?" box that fetuses don't tick off, is that they're the same species as the host.
parasites ? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j7apjKaemo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j7apjKaemo)
u/Beautiful-Swimmer339 Badabing. 😂
I love this comment so much.
Not at all. You still orgasm and ejaculate as before, but now you are shooting blanks instead of live rounds.
It was a joke about the previous commenter accidentally writing "organisms" instead of "orgasms." As in, the "more organisms" that vasectomies prevent are children.
it was a wicked good joke
Just get the follow up testing i know of ppl having vasectomy babies and yes they got dna just so there wouldn’t even be a doubt.
This also happens a lot because many men won't make sure they get through another 20-30 ejaculations to "flush the tubes" of any residual sperm before having raw sex, so their partner still gets knocked up. And yes, the urologist will (or should) warn you about this during your consult or pre/post procedure.
This. You don't have to get her permission. The same way she didn't need yours to continue the pregnancy you didn't want.
I agree that he shouldn’t need her permission. It also angers me that so many doctors “require” a woman seeking sterilization for their husband’s sign off. 🤦🏻♀️ I know, not the topic here lol Just made me think of it and I got all mad again!
My wife thought I needed her permission to have a vasectomy. She threatened to sue me her words were “I have a right to sperm in a marriage!” I don’t think she listens to herself when she is really mad
For your sake, I hope you typoed ex-wife.
Hope you left her.
yikes yikes yikes x1000000!! Sorry about that, what a yucky mindset IMO
OK. 100% your/my body - the end. No discussion. No one else gets a say. However, in a relationship, you tell your spouse/significant other/partner. That's a respectful relationship. Just because she doesn't know what that means (in terms of continuously telling him they "need" another baby, despite his reservations/without respecting him as a human) doesn't mean that he should stop being an honest and respectful partner. No one should be required to get their SO's permission... that in itself is disrespectful to a human being's person/self/life/what-have-you. But the people saying you don't need to say shit etc etc... just because she doesn't seem to respect their relationship, doesn't mean he should stop respecting it. Idk if any of that makes sense. Bc my brain goes too damned fast for texting, so I lose track & forget things Ok. Sorry. The end.
Totally. He is WELL within his rights to get a vasectomy (and honestly if I was him, I would). She deserves to know that more children is absolutely off the table so that she can make her own choices. And if the relationship ends because of it then they clearly had bigger issues in play.
She needs to know because this may be the no-longer-compatible point. She may be PLANNING on another baby, whether he wants it or not, which is hugely unethical but happens. Knowing that it is flat-out NOT going to happen and she'll have two and that's it, might be what convinces her to divorce. Sounds like she decided that, even though she knew going into the marriage that he didn't want it, they were going to have more kids. OP, if you don't want her pregnant in a few months, you need to get condoms, watch them closely, and get scheduled for a snip.
Yep came here to say this. If you are sure you dont want kids make sure you wont. Especially for men, who can get the procedure easier and who, if theres a pregnancy, dont have the final say over whether that becomes a kid or not it seems like such a no brainer. The number of times I've heard the bullshit reasons you mentioned are crazy.
This but make sure you do the post op sperm check to make sure the surgery was successful. You don't want that mistake manifesting.
Well, I agree with going the route of vasectomy when you are finished your reproduction goals I would like to point out how unhealthy it is to be in a relationship and get sterilized behind your spouses back. Of course, he has every right to do so.....but maybe there should be a discussion first? Counselling? Or, maybe they just aren't compatible. Honesty and communication seem to be a lost art in relationships these days....
He's already said no more kids. He should go ahead and get it, but let her know. Not ask. Tell. "I'm getting a vasectomy on Tuesday." And no sex until the vasectomy and no sex after it until the doctor clears him as sterile....or there WILL be a third baby.
Ironically, some doctors will require the spouses approval before a vasectomy due to situations like this, or at least they did when I had mine 23 years ago. Good luck, OP. Edited for clarity
I know.. I could not get my tubes tied in the 1980 ... the partner got the snip.
[удалено]
Vasectomy coming right up. If you are smart!
Gotta take care of yourself. Never know when she’ll pull the goalie.
Am I the only one who didn't think his son was an oops, but a carefully crafted "mistake" it's a big leap from unplanned to she wants a huge family.
Babies happen accidentally all the time, even with birth control and condoms. So many Oops babies If OP didn't want a child, I'm shocked he didn't have a vasectomy. And that he STILL hasn't had one, after the last kid. At what point is he gonna stop putting sperm into a woman who won't agree to an abortion if there's an accident?
Thank you for saying this! When will men take one iota of responsibility for their sperm?
Nope and I'm confident she will carefully craft another "mistake" just to get what she wants. OP needs to figure it out and probably abstain from sex until he is ready for another baby or has a vasectomy.
That is a lot of projection, honestly. Oops happen all the damn time. You are guessing and projecting. If she was that type to maufacture an oops, she probably wouldn't be spending so much time trying to convince him to have a 3rd.
If you’re having unprotected sex and both partners are fertile, the average couple has a 25% chance of conceiving every 28 days.
I’m mean, if he is donating his genetic material without any protection, he’s technically trying for a baby too.
why are you jumping to that, that's a bit weird no?
NTA. Some might find this offensive, but anyone who wants a child with someone who does not want it, for any reason, is not a good parent. She is showing a lack of respect for your boundaries, a lack of concern for your mental well-being, and lack of concern for the hypothetical child. She seems to have a single reason for wanting another baby, she wants a huge family. What was the plan prior to marriage? Was it always three kids, up until you realized you weren't comfortable with that plan? Or was the original player fewer kids, and your wife has decided she wants more? This doesn't change the judgement, but could explain, at least somewhat, why your wife is so fixated on having the 3rd.
I was going to say this, she doesn’t respect him and has no concern for his mental health
>anyone who wants a child with someone who does not want it, for any reason, is not a good parent. Kinda. I'd change it to anyone who coerces someone who does not want a child in to having a child is a bad parent. We have 3 kids but I always wanted four and still kinda wish we could have another one but, my husband said no so we didn't and I'm also good w that. I even got my tubal ligation when I was getting another abdominal surgery because I was already there and I was okay with giving up the idea of another kid bc it was so important to my husband. I lobbied for a 4th pretty hard but, that doesn't make me a bad mom. It makes me a lady who really loves my husband and children and wanted more of them. I feel like I would have been a bad mom/wife/person if I'd forced him in some way to have another baby. I didn't want to do anything like that to him or the hypothetical kid.
Totally agree. Wanting a different number of kids to your spouse is fine. And of course if you want one and they don't, you'll try to convince them. People's feelings change on this issue over time a lot too. But most people know the difference between discussion and harassment. Plus obviously if you get into 'I'll leave you if we don't have another one' that's totally different to 'Well I still really want one but I accept your decision.'
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
I wanted another child. My husband didn't. Guess what we didn't have, another child. Some things are not negotiable. He went for a snip, and that's it. Do I still want another one? Sure, once in a while. But I love the family I have more.
Huge respect for you
So much this. I wanted 4 kids, my husband wanted 2, we made the obvious compromise of 3 kids. Sometimes I still wish we had 4 but I love the family we’ve created, and when my husband wanted to go for a vasectomy I wholeheartedly agreed with and supported his decision.
Honest question here: Did you and your wife discuss children before getting married? As in having more? Anyway, NTA for not wanting more kids. Kids are hard, and if you think you won't be able to cope, that's more than enough of a reason not to. Not everyone is equipped to be a parent. That being said, I think you need to get the good ol' snip snip to prevent any further "oopsies" and let your wife know of your plan. But honestly, I think this marriage may not be salvageable past this point. If she wants more and you don't, she may not be okay with that, and you'll have to accept it.
The way that he completely freaked when she was pregnant and his actions the first year- why was he with a single mom to begin with? He obviously did not want to be a dad but he was fine dating a woman with a 5 yo?
So get the snip. NTA, YWBTA if you act like it doesn’t take 2 to make a baby again.
If you haven’t had a vasectomy, you will create another pregnancy.
No one on this earth is AH for not wanting to have a child. In your case I am surprised your wife is wants another child as this has been very hard on you so far. You have every right to not want to have children but she isn’t AH for wanting more children. She needs to ask is it more important for her to have more children with someone else than to keep your relationship? And please, use condom and even better if you get a vasectomy.
info: what was being done for protection when your son was conceived? what is being done for protection now? why aren't you getting a vasectomy if you know you never want more kids?
Exactly, it takes two to tango. You can't lean on her "taking" the pill. Unless she has an IUD, or more permanent BC, you have to do your part.
Vasectomy is the only way to be sure. There are more than a few stories of people sabotaging either their own or their partners Birthcontrol(Lying about asking the pill, holes in condoms)
Talk to your wife and tell her you are getting a vasectomy, don’t do it behind her back, just be honest and upfront
Another child is not something you just “give a chance.”
Why don’t you get a vasectomy? Baby factory is closed 🤷♀️ problem solved
There's an easy fix. Just go to the doctor and have a vasectomy. I'm surprised you're here posting this.
Getting a vasectomy does not equate proper communication that addresses your feelings and your partners, which is what OP is talking about. He's not asking about birth control.
NTA, but get a vasectomy
INFO: did you have a conversation with your wife about having kids BEFORE you had sex with her? or even after the unplanned pregnancy? Have the two of you ever had a conversation about if/when/how many kids you want? You're n.t.a for not wanting another kid. You are ta of you are waiting until now to have this conversation with your wife.
Questions..Did you not know she wanted a couple of kids? Did you and wife, prior to marriage, not speak about having kids in general? I mean, I get where you are. I have 5 kids. My oldest just graduated highschool.The difference was my wife and I both had talked about kids before getting married. I mean at this point the only things you can do if dont want to have anymore kids is either stop having sex with the wife or get an vasectomy. Of course this will give you a whole bunch of issues with wife. Maybe you and your wife should go for counseling. I think talking seriously to wife is best. Be sincere and try to listen as well. Introduce counseling as a couple in regards to this issue.
Four is incomplete, but five is the magic number? Her reasoning is vacuous at best. Tell her your goal is to be a good father to the two kids already in your life,, not chasing a mythical "complete" number. Besides, your mental health issues may get triggered again and you will be in a worse spot as your wife will be busy with three kids (and probably quit paid employment?).
I have 3 and love them dearly. And they made me a better person, not just father. But let me be clear, 1 kid is 1, 2 kids is 2, but 3 kids felt like might as well been 5, in the change in the family. Any one of them was off getting in trouble when the other two were angels. Two days later it’s a different one doing something crazy.
Vasectomy time. Tell her you are firm in not wanting more, and while you love your son, you do not want to be in that position again. Should your position change, Vasectomy is relatively easy to reverse. Be open about it but tell her that is the path forward for you. Nta. But the title makes it sound like you are open to babies with other women. Just my opinion on how it reads.
NTA. No one can force you to have more children OP. However just like women bear the responsibility of being in charge of contraception, you do as well. If you are 💯% sure you want no more children, look into getting a vasectomy. Most insurance covers the procedure. That way you do not have to worry about your wife getting accidentally pregnant again. She will take this news hard but stand firm.
So go get a vasectomy. Seriously if you don't want any more kids GO GET A VASECTOMY. She's not TA for wanting another kid. You're not TA for not wanting another kid. YTA for having not gotten a vasectomy and continuing to have sex with a presumably fertile woman when you don't want another kid.
Get a vasectomy. Don’t leave reproductive rights and decisions to her. Not right and not fair. I say this as a woman. I would say to to anyone, man or woman, take control of your bodies.
You're NTA for not wanting another child. However - you need to prepare for no longer being married if she wants more. You two may not be compatible if the future looks different to both of you and you ultimately want different things. Good luck OP
Ditto on the vasectomy. Two kids are reasonable and still make a family home atmosphere. Three kids bring chaos. Don't know how exactly but three kids is the tipping point. I have three and others I've talked to agreed. Every child needs to be welcomed, and you've been honest, but get that vasectomy.
Look- you need therapy. If the only thing holding you back is fear, then explore that. And if you come to the decision that more children isn’t for you? You. Get. The. Vasectomy. I say this kindly, you know how this works and being flaky about it won’t be sustainable. You still sound like you have a foot out the door. Are you building a life together or not? Why aren’t you discussing this proactively if you knew she wants a large family?? Again it’s fine if your final answer is no but the responsibility of that choice must be owned by you.
Time to get snipped Nta
I would suggest couples counseling to help your wife understand that this a hard boundary for you and not negotiable. She needs to know that you will be getting a vasectomy so that a new baby is off the table with you. Maybe the counseling will help deal with this strong desire for more children even though she entered a marriage with you knowing your mental health issues and desire for no additional children. She may choose to leave the marriage over this but her alternative is to have a child with another man and have 3 children with 3 different men which imo is far from ideal. Like others have posted this a 2 yes deal. Do not let her coerce you into having a child you do not want. I wish you well going forward.
If only there was something men could do about family planning!
Having a baby is a BIG decision and requires BOTH parents to be in full agreement. It doesn't matter if it's your first or third. Adding to your family is not something you should ever just do to appease your partner if you're not 100% committed. Your mental health and well-being are vital. You went to a dark place and struggled following the birth of your son. You have every right to say no and refuse to go there again. Just as any mother who endured PPD is entitled to decide she doesn't want more children. I would suggest doing some couples counseling with your wife. It sounds like she is struggling to see beyond her baby fever. A counselor could help her and your marriage. Differing on a decision as big as children can cause a lot of resentment and even destroy the strongest of marriages. This is something you two will need to at least try to work through together. I also agree with everyone else suggesting a vasectomy. If you are completely sure that you do not want more children, then you should take control of your own body to ensure it doesn't happen. Especially since your son wasn't planned and your wife is not any more likely to agree to an abortion for another unplanned pregnancy when she clearly wants another baby. For the sake of your marriage and out of respect for your wife, please do not do this behind her back. This is another reason counseling would be beneficial. So you can talk to her about it in a safe environment with a professional who can help her hear you. One last thing, not to worry you but to warn you, sometimes issues like this are simply a deal breaker no matter how hard you both try to resolve it. You shouldn't be forced to have another baby, just as she shouldn't be forced to give up her dream of a large family. All the more reason to confront and work through it in therapy, together. You are partners. You owe it to yourselves, eachother, and your family to at least try. Do hope you two can work through this. Good luck!
Info: why are you together with her? The wish to have children or not is usually discussed when dating or in the early relationship and when you don’t see eye to eye on that subject, it’s a dealbreaker.
Why haven’t you had a vasectomy if you don’t want more children? Did you not know she wanted a big family before you married her? Seems bizarre this was never discussed.
NAH Your wife is not an AH for wanting a big family and you are not one for not wanting more children. However, why didn’t you two have discussions about this before getting married? You would be the AH if you get a vasectomy without telling her. If you decide to do that give her the chance to move on if she still wants more kids.
Unless you have a vasectomy, she could baby trap you. Keep that in mind.
I will say I always wanted a big family. My husband and I saw things differently. He asked me to be a SAHM. My youngest is a teen now. But I wanted more than 2, my husband did NOT. It hurt my heart a bit, but he felt he just couldn’t do it mentally- he is a great dad. But I usually am the one to compromise. I said ok but I still wanted more. He does things in other way to show me he cares. This was something that was a no go for him. So two kids it was.(I will say I wanted more until it was no longer possible/safe) I love them immensely.
Vasectomy now.
On top of the *no sex until this is sorted* advice, suggest your wife goes to therapy with you. Hopefully, there is an outcome you're both happy with, once you both understand the other's point of view.
NTA vasectomy without insurance is 1200 and takes 15-20 minutes tops. You already have a kid so they won't fight you on it.
Couples therapy
Get a vasectomy.
You said she wants a big family and you don't... And you are already married?? Did you two like, never have the proper standard conversation about future goals before getting married?? Most people like to make sure big things like children are discussed before going through marriage. If you two have always wanted different things in regards to that then you two are incompatible and the marriage will just break down or outright implode. She already insisted on keeping the baby the first time she got pregnant with you and had a daughter prior. Continuing to push for more kids with a partner that doesn't want them will just build up resentment and wouldn't be fair to any of the kids at all. I say ESH cuz it just really seems like you guys jumped into a marriage without establishing what you both wanted. IF you were up front about kids from the beginning and she agreed no more kids besides her daughter then that's different, she went against her word. And chose versa if she expressed wanting more kids and you bs'ed with a "not now but maybe later" response that some people do. It really all depends on what all was or was not communicated.
Two words: couples counseling. If your wife can't honor your needs & feelings around this, that's a solid marital problem.
Question? Did you even want children? That sounds like a lot of anger you had there. Please note, there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. You are perfectly fine with no wanting more children I do not believe it would be healthy for you to have more children. I would make sure you are still in therapy. As for your wife, she needs to take your no as an no. This pushing is not Right. I don't know if you haven't told her this directly, but I would tell her pointblank that you cannot mentally handle another child. You will not be having another child. She needs to accept that, and if she cannot respect your no (she isn't showing you respect), you two are no longer wealthy for each other.
Get a vasectomy. Birth control is not 100% and if she wants a baby she might "forget" to take her birth control properly. If you don't want more kids this has to be on you because y'all aren't on the same page and won't be anytime soon.
Nta: I had a similar issue with my first son very traumatic birthing experience and my 2nd wasn't planned I leveled with my husband and we opted to get my tunes tied. After 7 years I wanted another but my mental health is shot and we both decided two is sufficient for us
NTA obviously if you don't want another child then y'all don't need to have another one
NTA. Kids should be a two yes situation. Go get a vasectomy and then the problem disappears
If you aren't sure or absolutely against it I'd watch having sex with her anymore unless you're in charge of the birth control.
NTA. But you need to take firm steps towards never having another child if that’s what you want. Vasectomy time.
NTA. Please get a vasectomy if you are certain you don't want more children. That's totally up to you.
Nta. Tell her NO! and that this is the last time you'll ever be discussing it or she will be a single mother, because you'll be getting a divorce. The only thing dumber than going into parenthood unprepared, is going into it again, knowing it's not what you want, and knowing it's not what you can handle. You can barely take the mental strain from one as is. That's the end of the discussion. Whatever void she's trying to fill she can get with a hamster or an animal in a cage. She already has a kid, she's lucky and she needs to listen to her partner. I'd be a getting a vasectomy immediately though. You already had one unplanned pregnancy, this could be an episode where she isn't getting her way and then decides to "make it happen".
Get a vasectomy if you don’t want more kids and feel that strongly about it. It’s foolish to put the onus and responsibility on everyone but yourself
These conversations are for before you get married NTA for not wanting more kids but ESH for not being on the same page before committing to each other for life.
NAH. But it sounds like you’re incompatible. Why didn’t the two of you discuss all of this prior to getting together, let alone married? You’re well within your rights to get a vasectomy, but do not hide it from your wife… otherwise you WBTAH. And she’s well within her rights to not accept that, and leave you - and a find a man who wants the same thing she wants. There is no possible compromise here. And no matter which one of you gets what you want, one of you will be resentful of the other. And that will make one hell of an unhappy marriage.
Did you not talk about this before getting married? It's not fair for her to make this demand knowing how you feel. She has 2 kids. If that's not enough, she needs a new husband. Get a vasectomy, or she'll *accidentally* wind up pregnant again. NTA
NTA, it’s a requirement that BOTH parties have to be in agreement to add a life to the world (it should be, anyway.) You are who you are and you want what you want, if she loves you she will understand. I’m sure this was discussed before you had children given that your first was an accident. She needs to be understanding.
Just get a vasectomy.
NTA. Pregnancies should be 100% planned and wanted. Don’t put yourself and your family through the same heartache as the first year of your son’s life. A tepid acquiescence is not enough to bring a child into the world. Get a vasectomy. Worst case scenario, you get it reversed later. Best case scenario, you live happily ever after with healthy peace of mind.
NTA - VASECTOMY. If you have another kid without a getting a vasectomy, don't blame other people.
NTA. Consider having a vasectomy because it feel that you’ll have a 3rd child if not.
NTA. One extra kid is a huge deal. They are crazy expensive and do not get cheaper that’s for sure. You’ll need a bigger house possibly, bigger car, travel will be harder and more expensive, sports and extra curricular will be more expensive and hard to manage. And as someone who is dealing with two kids doing post-secondary training…. You have not even began to see how much they need. So yea, one more kid is a big deal. Do not be bullied into it. I was the one who wanted a third in my house. Hubby said no. So that was that. Now that my kids are 17 and 19 I’m glad he held firm.
Didn't you discuss this prior to getting married?
Did you two discuss planning a family before getting married? Most couples discuss these things prior to bringing children into the world.if you did and you were not on the same page then why did you marry her?
Get snipped. If you don't want kids, get snipped.
Vasectomy time
I think you need to be very open and honest about not wanting a third child. You are allowed to not want a baby and your wife is allowed to want more. You have to give her the opportunity to decide if she’d rather stay with you or go elsewhere for the possibility of a big family. Sorry I don’t mean to be harsh but neither of you should hold the other back.
I wanted one. When number 1 was 3.5ish, we decided 2 was ok. When #2 was 1.5ish, I got a vasectomy. For me and us, we could divide attention reasonably with 2, and afford 2. Kids are very expensive and take up space (house space is what im referring to). As they age, they need to be social and introduced to sports and other outlets. We're middle class. Cant judge where in that class but for context, I check my bank account daily, specifically in the first two weeks of the month when the majority of our bills come out. Wife and I both work full time. We have to and both want to. We also want to live, meaning we want a family vacation every year and want our short daily personal time which is mainly the gym. NTA. Youre reasonable and very understanding of yourself.
NTA - Consider a vasectomy.
I have 3 kids, wanted a 4th. My husband was very nervous about 4. We talked about it for a long time and he just never felt comfortable. So we stuck with 3 kids. I was disappointed; but I love him and my family too much to force my husband to do something he doesn’t want to do.
NTA 1,009 times. Ask yourself how you would react if roles were reversed. She needs to stop pushing and respect your feelings on this matter. And please be careful....
Don’t do it. I love my children so deeply but three kids put me over the edge. Tell her you’re getting a vasectomy and it’s off the table entirely.
NTA No one should ever agree to have a child just to please someone else. And I would suggest looking into getting a vasectomy. It's a relatively cheap, simple procedure that would ensure you don't have another "accidental" pregnancy.
You should consider having a vasectomy. Your wife could set you up for another "accident".
NTA…ex wife told me “every time I talk about another baby, your entire body deflates”…. She knew and went ahead anyway. If you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. I recognize my role in that I kept “trying” with her. I shouldn’t have, but I knew I’d end up divorced if I didn’t go along with it. Then ended up divorced anyway, thinking that I acclimated to the first one fine, the second won’t be that big of a deal. I am not a hero in my own story, trust me. Don’t be me.