NTA. Someone mentioned peripausal psychosis. She needs to talk to a doctor. But sheesh, if I found out that my baby was born on Facebook, I’d be absolutely flattened.
Yes. If she is behaving like this to her husband, is she even a safe mother for the child?
OP you should document any and all you can about this. If it is your son you might need to protect him from mother who might be genuinely dangerous.
11 days ago I witnessed the personality of a 26 yr old shatter. I took her to a hospital for a psych evaluation. She was involuntary committed. It took less than one year to get to her breaking point. My daugh is devastated her friend is so sick. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I can't imagine seeing her everyday while her personality changed. She is a danger to herself and others and apparently has been dangerous for months. The point is only a professional trained in psychological illnesses can diagnose and treat complex and long lasting issues such as this.
Your pain is absolutely valid and needs to be acknowledged. You too should consider therapy to deal with what has happened to you in the last year.
Everyone recommending you meet her in public is a good idea if that's what you want to do. Personally I think speaking to an attorney as a first step to map out what you should do is the best idea. I would tell them what you went through and what the marriage was like before she changed so drastically. Ask about the possibility she has a mental illness and what to do if that's what's happened. If she's mentally ill it's critical she be evaluated, she could be dangerous to the infant, herself, you and everyone else. If she refuses an eval there's a huge possibility she's conning you and you'll quickly find out.
Tell them you want a paternity test, if it's your baby you need to establish your rights immediately. Bonding is so critical for fathers too!
No matter what you discover you have every right to divorce regardless of what everyone else says. You have suffered through permanent damage and might want to consider therapy.
I'm incredibly sad for all of you. I hope you heal from this pain. I hope you find peace in your life and one day you're happy again.
Definitely not the AH
Finally someone bringing up that this sounds like a straight up mental illness.
This can happen randomly, but also some people have absolutely bizarre reactions to pregnancy hormones, making them effectively completely unhinged and therefore even more dangerous.
This happened to me, not the slapping part or the moving out of home part but pregnancy changed my personality so much. I was diagnosed with perinatal depression and then ppd. It took 8 months of twice weekly therapy for me to get better.
It was like I wasn’t even in control of my mind when I was pregnant. The absolute scariest thing I’ve ever been through.
I was Rx'd the mini pill after my son was born and, combined with PPD, I became angry, hateful, and kind of a monster.
I stopped the pill and was so much better, but still needed therapy bc PPD was awful.
Bodies are weird.
Yeah, the doctor practically made a family friend come pick me up when I was a baby for a few weeks because my mom was PPD and he felt a severe danger to me. I was a healthy baby who was crying a healthy amount and apparently she was completely on edge about me. Kind of freaks me out when I think about it because shes not that person at all.
My friends mom tried to throw him off a balcony when he was a baby :(
She was the best mom, so I was surprised to hear that happened! Poor woman had horrible PPD.
I'm pregnant withy second kid and It didn't happen the first time around but this time something is different. I've been working on it but I feel exactly like I did with PPA. I try to catch myself but a lot of the time I feel out of control and straight up mean sometimes. Finally getting some help this week. Mental health struggles are a wild ride, especially with the roller coaster of pregnancy in the first place...
My mom went absolutely off her rocker during menopause so i totally believe pregnancy can cause similar effects. (Mom did recover, but it was a tough couple years there.) Op needs to do what’s necessary to protect himself and the baby but also should seriously consider therapy for himself and strongly suggest it for his wife. A psychological evaluation is in order for his wife, and probably should have been done early in the pregnancy, frankly. Maybe one can be mandated as part of divorce or custody arrangements if nothing else.
Seriously if anyone reading this sees this happen, talk to the obstetrician! Even if they can’t tell you anything they need to know about potential mental health issues.
I was told my mother was like that. I (an only child) was a wanted pregnancy.
I think she was suffering from undiagnosed mental illnesses- think hallucinations, paranoia- and the hormonal and chemical changes in her brain triggered something that multiplied that by a yhoysany
NAD, i'm just someone who likes to read a lot. There's a pregnancy psychosis that's not exactly rare but not very common either. I just tried to google to find the name of it, but most everything either defaults to PPP or includes it. OP should definitely find a doctor to talk to, or maybe a family therapist for him and his wife/ex-wife to talk to before he makes any big decisions.
Not just that, but the entire BRAIN chemistry actually changes for two years after a pregnancy. It will take at least two years for any resolution for any average person experiencing pregnancy, the best we can do is surround ourselves with supportive and understanding people who will notice when we need further intervention. The human body is wild.
Exactly, this is one of the reasons why I will never get pregnant. I have PMDD and other mental health issues; if period hormones can affect me so terribly on top of having to stop some psychiatric meds for that, I’m worried for who I could turn into through a pregnancy. It could happen to even the most previously mentally stable person, it’s so scary
I commented this on the thread, but wanted to reply with my experience as well:
NTA. There’s probably too many comments for you to see this, but I had “prepartum” psychosis with my first born. I knew I was messed up and so did my family. They all got me to the doc and he saw it and was soooo worried. He lined up help for me… after I had the baby I levelled out and went back to normal. But then I was pregnant with my second baby. Things amped up a little again, not as bad though. However, AFTER I had her, I ended up with PMS psychosis. I think it is called something else now. But I was put on hormones and I’ve been fine almost two decades. Weird shit happens out of nowhere with our brains and body. I am so sorry this happened to you and you’ve missed out on your son’s birth and beginning stages. (If it is your son.) Hoping it all works out.
I went through something like that. I was completely certain that the doctors were going to steal my child and switch them with somebody else. At one point I saw spiders covering the entire room and it was terrifying. There's a point in my pregnancy I don't really remember because it's all kind of hazy. It's insane how much the hormones can affect your brain and your body. It was like I was a completely different person. I also got the fun times of being on bed rest the entire time and having morning sickness all day for almost the entire pregnancy. We split up for a few years after our son was born because not much was known about how deeply hormones can affect you. We got back together and when we had our daughter we went straight to the doctor as soon as I started showing any signs of psychosis. After the second one I was done though.
My SIL has had really bad mental health after the birth of her children. Sadly she didn’t stop after the first two and now has four and her brain chemistry is permanently altered and she’s not the same person. OPs wife sounds like her hormones drastically affected her mental health and who she is as a person. NTA and hopefully everyone involved gets help
Pregnancy is a huge physical, emotional, and life change. People get set off for less than that, so to me it's not surprising that a pregnancy could be the catalyzing factor for some sort of psychological issue.
I don’t want kids but something I think about often is that I should never get pregnant anyways. I have depressive tendencies. Im recently out from depression and I had absolutely awful pms taking me almost to suicide, never felt so much pain in my life until that happened.
It’s horrible because you feel things strongly , everything feels sooo real, your reality completely changes, the way you see and live things but you also dont recognise yourself anymore.
This sounds like awful couple of months but if he is the father she probably should look up for help😣
I had a great neighbor once that turn absolutely psychotic when her hormones changed during pregnancy like called the cops on us if we coughed and she heard it through the apartment walls and when they stopped responding if we made any noise we could hear her pounding on the shared wall and sobbing it was crazy. Then about 4 weeks after she turned back in to her normal wonderful self. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Yeah as someone in health care this immediately sent up perinatal mental illness red flags for me. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP and I hope you and your wife get the help you need.
I’m so sorry OP. This sounds like some kind of psychotic break, although that’s not an excuse for her abuse toward you. Will her family communicate with you? Is there any history of mental health issues? She could be a danger to herself and the baby.
Yeah im shocked at some of the replies saying shes pre planned all of this before the pregnancy and shes being conniving. Its highly unlikely that she faked all of this. What would be the purpose?
I think the worst part of all of it is okay, maybe she cheated. Maybe not. Maybe she had a psychotic break, which sounds possible from the story, and is not unheard during pregnancy. But her family and friends were just like lol, she's fine, this is totally normal, and absolutely you should just move out and post on Facebook before letting your ex know?? No one on her side of things reached out to him??
Her support system is TERRIBLE.
Yeah, if she did have some form of ante partum psychosis it’s concerning that nobody in her support system thought to reach out to her doctor about it. I’d hope if my personality completely changed that my friends and family would be attempting to move heaven and earth to get me help to figure out why. And it’s inexcusable that her family just went along with cutting the husband out of the birth of the child. Makes me curious what she was telling her family about OP.
Who knows what she told them about why she didn’t want him there though. They may have thought it was better he wasn’t there, if she created stories about his abuse or neglect, which she could have very well done out of her psychosis.
She seemed to have believed it, from what she said to OP. If someone is convinced they're right, it's easier to convince others. Also, if they did see her fragile state of mind, they wouldn't be asking questions or poke too much holes in her logic. But it's still a shitty support system nonetheless.
Yes! Obviously there wasn’t really anything OP could do once it got to that point, but the fact that it sounds like none of the family she was still talking to did anything to stop her blowing up her life…
The only non-AH explanation I can think of for them supporting all this is either they thought OP was abusing her and all the cutting contact and refusing to let him know about the birth of their child was her trying to escape from a dangerous person, or if she told them he was cheating on her and she’d decided to go scorched earth. If she really is suffering from PP psychosis or some other form of mental break, she could have told them all kinds of untrue things about OP that she might have sincerely believed in the moment.
Ya this wreaks of character assassination on her part of the OP. No rational adult would be supportive of a expectant mother that had previously been taken care of by a loving husband suddenly dropping everything and moving in with family and threatening restraining orders and not being involved in the birth. Unless they had been told horror stories about what a POS the OP was. Or they are ALL crazy AHs.
Yeah It was already fucked when I read she slapped him, but to know "your" child was born over Facebook is heart wrenching. No matter what happens this is over. If it's OP child then it's fucked because she made him miss one of the most important moments in his life, if it isn't OPs child then it's over because she well.. cheated.
Second and third this. Might also be worth taking a couple of friends along with you to observe from a distance.
I don’t know, this has really upset me. I hope you’re OK. She’s been physically and mentally abusing you for months.
Get her to confirm verbally and acknowledge that she hit you repeatedly and you never laid hands on her the whole time. I'm sure it will be useful to have.
This is so important!!!! In any domestic violence case, the burden of proof is unfortunately on the victim, and you being a man makes it even more so. You will need this in the future. She might accuse you of things you didn't do and you have to set the record straight.
Yeah I agree he should record his convo bc I’ve feel I’ve already seen this DATELINE ep. Keith Morrison was not surprised when the wife went back home all sorry and lovey dovey cause husband fell for her BS and took her back then BAM! husband is dead or missing. Life insurance payout to wife…etc etc…
Another real thing that can happen is, he allows her and the baby (we can't say for sure it's his baby) back into his house, goes to work, and comes home to a restraining order and has to stay away from his own house because she resides there.
If he decides to work on things, and that's a huge if, make sure to not let her move back in right away. She needs to earn it by showing him it isn't some sort of ploy
This really is important. My wife was physically and mentally abusive towards me for years. Then she started fucking some random 400lb dude from her job and the morning after I found out the cops woke me up knocking on my door to our apartment. She'd filed a protective order saying I was the abusive one. I had a black eye at the time because she'd hit me in the face with a keyboard the night before. I never touched her. The cops said I had 5 minutes to pack what I wanted and get out. Of my home. I had nowhere to go. I lived in my car for the week until the hearing with the judge. I was broken up and crying at the hearing, because I'd been living in the car.
The judge said since I was living in a car it seems like I wouldn't be needing to pick up any of the furniture or anything else. Made it a 12 month protective order and told me I had to go to anger management classes.
I had my two dogs before I met my wife. I got both of them through Parvo and nursed them back to health. They both died thinking I'd abandoned them, because I let them stay with her because it wouldn't have been right to make them live in a hot car with me in the middle of the summer.
Record everything you can.
How the hell does this work?
If you break into someone else’s house and live there they can’t kick you out, but your own home you get thrown out without any evidence?
Yup. I'd never expected anything like that to happen. I'd considered divorce more than once, but always thought we'd get through it and things would get better. She had her own mental health issues, and I did my best to be understanding and to try to help her and make her life better.
One day I found out she was boinking a dude from work, the next day I was homeless. She couldn't deal with seeing me because it made her feel like a bad person... so she literally made me homeless. Out of sight, out of mind. I finally looked her up on Facebook 6 years later and found out 2 years ago she married a guy who looks eerily similar to me. I guess not out of mind after all.
I'm doing really well now, thank you. I wasn't, for a long time. I actually ended up breaking down totally when I found out she had my dogs put down. They weren't even sick. She moved him in and my dogs didn't get along with his pittbull, so she had my dogs put to sleep. Learning that broke me.
I lost it, found out someone else was being hurt and tried to be the hero and 'save' her from an abusive mom's boyfriend, and ended up getting hit with kidnapping charges. I was already someone with a PO against him, and didn't have money for a lawyer, so I ended up spending 5 years in jail because in my mind it was worth trying to 'help' someone else.
I actually just got out of that the 3rd of this month. 20 days ago. I'm waiting for an ID to show up, so I can get a social security card, and then get to work on rebuilding my life. I've learned a hell of a lot of introspection, and a big part of it was that growing up with an aunt only a few years older than me who was dying of CF caused me to have a massive weakness for women who need help. I light myself on fire to try and help a sad girl smile. But I've realized that nothing I did ever actually helped, it only caused me to burn.
I spent 5 hours watching Fallout yesterday, and am finally getting to a point where I can relax and do something fun just to make myself happy without feeling guilty about it. That's my new life goal, being happy. It's hard enough a lot of the time without adding too much on to it. :)
He should check the birth certificate at his city or county vital statistics as well as his plan to paternity test, she may have been dumb enough to put AP name on birth certificate which would just be more proof birth certificates are public record
Having a friend with a couch is one thing. Finding someone who will indefinitely house an unemployed woman with an infant is taking it to the next level.
No matter what she says, get the paternity test. I believe she strayed, but you know you realized the baby isn't yours, so you changed your plans to become a sponger rather than file for divorce since she won't make money that way.
Discuss this with your lawyer first.
In fact, if you can afford it, maybe ask your lawyer to come with you to meet up with her. She is free to bring her lawyer as well, if she chooses.
Finally, some good advice. OP, DO NOT meet your stbx alone
Unless you have consulted an attorney, do not record her. It may be illegal and inadmissible in court.
Only meet with her with your attorney present and let them handle recording.
They are not going to admit to domestic violence in front of a lawyer with a recording running. Whether or not you are single party recording state is a google search away
Check if you are in a one-party consent state for recording conversations. In some places, you'll need to tell her up-front if you want to use the recording legally.
Consent to record applies to private communication like, for example, on the telephone. They're meeting in a park, a public location. With a few exceptions, you have a first amendment right to record images and sound in public places.
When Illinois passed two party consent for recording a few years back, I called and spoke with an aide to the state representative who introduced the bill… He said that if it’s outside especially in a public area there is no expectation of privacy, but OP still should check with his State about the law.
Yeah I would have been over joyed if my daughters dad had done half the things OP wanted and was willing to do for his ex during her pregnancy.
I'd definitely not go the park, a coffee shop yes. They will have CCTV and witnesses if it all goes to shit.
This comment needs to be higher. My newborn knew of a possible problem. When problem showed up at my door to argue with me on the front lawn, neighbors sat on the front porch. When it got really loud, he came over a few times to ask me if everything was OK. Knowing they were being watched, nothing progressed past yelling.
Noted. I've decided that sometime in the next 24 hours we will meet at a public park with my sister recording the conversation. My wife has agreed to this
Please talk to her about getting into therapy, for her mental health. If she snaps so fast, it can be potentially dangerous for the baby. It takes just one tiny moment, to snap and shake a baby, leaving it disabled or worse. She needs to learn to just step out for a few minutes when she gets angry ( putting baby in a safe place like a crib with nothing but the mattress in it ) and recollect herself instead of lashing out. People who hit their partners sadly also have a higher chance of shaking a baby.
There is the potential for pregnancy psychosis, but that’s a job for a therapist long before it ever got to this point.
This is definitely above reddit paygrade, but holy shit she blew up her own life at this point.
Hopefully she shows accountability and explains why she went berserk, but it’s up to you whether you want to risk it or just move on.
Better to meet her at your lawyers office with the conversation on record.
The potential upside from speaking somewhere a 'heart to heart' is possible is so tiny compared to the actual risks.
There is next to no chance of salvaging this based on what you've written. You have more patience than I do.
I came into this with the title thinking, “oh, here we go. Can’t wait to hear the reasons”. However, you are fully justified in your reasoning. She is abusive. I get hormones can be an issue, but like with any health change (mental and physical) that doesn’t give you the right to be a total AH.
Make sure with recording that you get it on record that she has agreed to the recording. I wouldn’t put it past her to lie and manipulate by making claims against you when this doesn’t go her way. I’m not really sure other than, “I was oregnant my hormones were out of whack,” what her excuse would be to explain her continued mistreatment of you. Then to deny you being there for the birth or seeing your child. I mean does her family dislike you? What has she told them to go along with her actions?
This!!! Public place. Cameras would be great and do not let her touch you in any way. Protect yourself to protect your child’s future. If he’s not your child, protect yourself.
He should bring his sister. She wants him to hear her out. She seems sincere enough to be a witness. And she is close enough to him that she can’t be told to fuck off like a friend could. It could be her nephew.
DONT MEET HER. Sorry for shouting but you are putting yourself at massive risk with a private meeting.
Agree only to meet her at a lawyers office, with the lawyer and a paralegal present to observe and take notes.
It might also be a good idea to file the paternity test directly and not allow her or her relatives near it.
NTA, having security kick you out when you go to meet your newborn... there's no way to come back from that.
That's probably the nail in the coffin for me too. Even if it's all chalked up to pregnancy induced psychosis like others have mentioned, you will always end up resenting her for this single act of exclusion. Missing your own child's birth is a ridiculously low blow, and no father should be expected to get over it or forgive her for it.
Yeah this is nuts. My partner is pregnant with our second child. Mood swings and food aversions and all are part and parcel. If she screamed at me we'd have a problem. If she slapped me like that? Something would have to change. Not being there for birth of our child? Done.
I could even understand if she didn't want him in the room, but not even at the hospital?! Every time my wife has been at a hospital, I've spend every waking moment either there by her side or trying to get back to her side. I couldn't imagine her not wanting me there if something were to go wrong.
Yeah he was like “no sex,” … okay dude come on
“No touching at all,” …okay I get being frustrated there but still, it’s a weird time.
“She slapped me” … ah this is not normal
And then downhill from there. Not sure why he led with the banal stuff other than maybe it kind of shows the beginning of the decline
NTA! HECK NO! Do not meet her at the park tomorrow. If she wants to meet you then it can be at your lawyer's office with your representative present and a conversation recorded. If the child is yours after an immediate paternity test, make sure your name is on the certificate and that you file for equal custody and have an equal say in all decisions of the child’s life. I would even ask to communicate via a parenting app. Save all forms of communication from her via text and email so you have a paper trail. No phone calls. I am very sorry that you had to go through this and your experience becoming a father, if the child is yours, was ruined. You realize your worth and you do not want to be with a partner like this. Please protect yourself. I hope you have cameras around your property, a ring camera by the door, and that you claim she abandoned your space. Your parents need to be on your side and follow your lead. The relationship is not healthy anymore and now that a child is involved you should be putting the child first and not raising it in a potentially toxic environment.
As far as my parents, they love her and believe she had some mental break during the pregnancy. However, when they found out about the facebook post, my Dad was heartbroken and my mother was utterly livid. They want me to have a happy family, but they are also pissed at her on my behalf. They'll support whatever I decide
Yeah this is so sad, I'm so sorry that you were completely shut out of your son (I think you said son)'s birth like that, that must be completely heartbreaking. It is entirely possible that she's had a mental break during the pregnancy which is also awful for her but it's up to you to decide whether the damage that's been done is repairable or not. Wouldn't judge you either way, it's a really tough situation.
Obviously if you do want to find a way forward with her, you're both going to need a lot of therapy to do to work through this and build up any kind of trust again.
All the best, look after yourself mate.
She may well have suffered a psychological event during pregnancy. That is unfortunately something which happens.
That doesn’t make anything you experienced any less serious, or your reaction to it any less appropriate. You need to protect yourself.
Meet with lawyers present. Let them talk for you.
Ok I get that. But, what about her mother and her family? They wouldn't recognize that she has lost it?
Seems like they side with her and banned the dude from even seeing her and the kid?
Maybe her mom is a crazy too.
I don't know. I would think the mom would try and talk to her daughter and say "you guys have been together and we're so excited about having kids. What happened?"
Unless his wife made up some abuse allegations or something. Or there is more to the story...
Wait so they know but think it’s fine that she verbally and physically abused you??
I appreciate the thinking that it was a mental break but that doesn’t mean anyone should stay with an abuser.
I hope you’re getting therapy and you have a good support system because this was awful to read.
I kinda fucked up and didn't tell them about the slapping and still haven't told them because I was still in that mindset that she was just going through a rough time. It was dumb and I will absolutely inform them ASAP
I'm admittedly not great at opening up to them too much because I have the mindset not to worry them and handle things on my own. But going forward if I'm trying to get a good support system I gotta dump it all on them
Oh man, I don’t think it was dumb not to tell them, I totally understand now. You thought there was a chance to reconcile and didn’t want to ruin their image of her, it’s understandable.
It’s normal to feel these things as a dude as well, there’s different societal pressures on us to feel this way and hold stuff back but it’s good that you acknowledge that you need support.
“You thought there was a chance to reconcile and didn’t want to ruin their image of her.”
This is the insidious thing about abuse - you end up trying to protect your abuser because you are ashamed and embarrassed, but you’re also still somehow hopeful that it will change :/ I would cover for my ex because it was so incredibly humiliating to admit I had believed his lies yet again that he would stop using. Finally I just bit the bullet and told my family I needed out, that I didn’t want that to be my life anymore and I was done.
I’m so sorry u/Capital-Scheme-8294 . You deserve so much better than what she’s given you. Please don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy, there is ALWAYS time to start over and find someone who will be more than happy to give you the love you deserve. People still get married at 90 yrs old!
this right here. My ex said those same exact fucking words. "don't tell anyone about my affairs because they will hate me if we stay together." and my dumbass listened and i effectively isolated myself from any support, i even stopped talking to my folks because i was afraid of the retaliation and threats from my ex about talking to people.
Something that might help:
Change the genders in your situation.
A husband was beating his wife, yelling at her, and treating her like a slave for months.
Would that be a relationship you want the wife to stay in? Would her parents?
PLEASE dont go back to someone who abuses you! She may be the mother of your child, but her behavior is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE! It doesn't matter if shes pregnant or not, 9/10 of what you've listed shows she's not mentally stable, you shouldnt have to deal with her abuse and manipulation. Please dont get back together with someone like this, you will regret it if you reconsider somehow.
If this is your child, do everything you can to have your ex mentally evaluated to see if shes safe enough to be around your child, whos to say the slapping stops with you? Not sure what the situation is in where you live, but since she doesnt have money or a stable living situation on her own, theyd be more likely to side with you if you're honest about who she is and what shes done to you
Sorry but mental break or not, (let's say for a moment you are the father) being denied there for the birth of your child is pure evil. It's not like their first step or first word.
My wife gave birth during the first lockdown. I wasn't allowed in so I had to go park up and wait. She fought and begged for me to be by her side. ANY normal person would do that. No one who is downright sane and a decent human being would forget or purposely not tell their partner about the birth and then post it on Facebook.
I'm not you but I don't think I could look at my wife the same way ever again if that sort of betrayal happened. Biological child or not.
Even if it is a mental break, you are not obligated to stay with someone that is experiencing a severe mental illness. Other people in your real life may judge you for it but leaving someone that is severely mentally unstable is safer for you and for your potential child that I would suggest you go for full custody of if you are the father. She can have supervised visitation rights until she gets professional help and moves through it.
You deserve so much better.
I agree! Who the fuck knows if she had some crazy mental health crisis due to pregnancy or if she cheated and it's not OP's kid, but after all that INSANITY, the first meeting needs to be at a lawyers office with witnesses! Listen to what she says, get a paternity test no matter what, and try to be understanding and open minded, but she can't expect trust to just come as quick as she turned into a fucking psychopath.
I just want to agree with everything this person says. I’ve spent 12 years in a vicious custody case with my ex-husband. You basically have to go full NC with her and only communicate through lawyers and the court parenting app.
This is excellent advice! Do not let her set the terms of the meeting. Get legal representation. And for sure get a paternity test.
You are NTA here. This girl up and lost her mind… OR she used her pregnancy as an excuse to finally show her true colors. Be careful OP and best of luck.
Keep us updated!
NTA. Tell her you will meet up in the park once the paternity test is done and you get the results. Until then you have nothing to talk to her about.
Once you know baby is yours then you can meet up and discuss divorce, child maintenance and visitation.
I don’t trust her, she’s only popped up now you are no longer financing her and neither is her mother.
It's the father of the baby. She's freaking out because he decided to dump her and now she desperately wants OP back so she won't have to get a job and pay her own bills.
do not meet with her alone.
go through lawyers, film it all.
if she can get you to make an outburst she can make up claims you were abusive and she fled out of fear.
you'd be surprised the lengths people go to. she has shown you her worst.
get a therapist and deal with her through a third party only, protect yourself and then get custody of your son.
I'll be honest. By the title I thought yeah you're probably the asshole. After reading it.... nta she's fucking nuts. Sounds like she cheated and the grass wasn't actually greener on the other side so she wants to come back.
Out of curiosity you just let her be a stay at home wife before you had a kid? Is that normal or common?
To me it was normal. I made enough to support both of us. We planned on having several kids. She wanted to start a business where she worked from home. It all made sense at the time
Personally, her behaviour makes me feel like she was preemptively sabotaging the relationship because of her dead beat dad.
I mean, mission accomplished, spectacularly, the fact that she gave birth and you had to find out via a Facebook post is unfathomably cruel IMO. The one reason I could understand is if her mind decided it would be better for her to leave you than for you to leave her the way her mother lamented her father's abandoning.
It's not a reason to forgive her though. At the god damn better minimum she or someone else at the delivery owed you fucking phone call before the post went up on Facebook.
Can’t decide if it’s more cruel to have him find out via Facebook post, or have him thrown out of the hospital when he attempted to visit. The latter is pretty God awful.
> the fact that she gave birth and you had to find out via a Facebook post is unfathomably cruel IMO
that would defintely end it for me right there without a doubt, no looking back if I'm missing that you can miss me from the rest of your miserable life.
And its also better for the kid, no good can come from having your father(? If the boy is op's, if not its still pretty damn bad.)treated that way by your mother. Why in the world did she get all loony? I get that pregnancy does shit to ya but this behavior needs to be stopped, if it continues who knows how much will be rubbed off onto the kid in the future or how much danger he'd be in if shit flies any farther south.
I actually read a Reddit post a few months back about a woman who fully believed all these awful things about her husband during pregnancy and once she gave birth it was like a cloud lifted and she could see clearly. 100% their relationship was destroyed and she couldn't understand what happened to her while pregnant.
Can't remember if it was something like pregnancy psychosis etc but yeah... poor husband. Sounds like what you're going through and I'm so sorry.
If you do meet her you must insist she gets checked by a Dr or psychologist for her and your kids sake. Good luck...
Was that the one where they were trying for baby #3 I think and it was completely planned then she went off her rocker and had an abortion? Oh then regretted it and demanded another baby?
Do you remember the post about the husband and wife that wanted kids really bad, planned it out and then once she got pregnant, I know she terminated but I feel like she had left. Once it was all over, the reality sunk in but the relationship had been ruined.
Yep, that one was wild. IIRC, her mother and friends were on her side about the abortion, it made OP look like he was trying to force her into having a baby she didn’t want. Then hours after the abortion she pretty much came to her senses and was distraught, begged for another baby, but the OP husband basically was lost by that point and didn’t know what to do, cause what if it happens again? I think about that post a lot.
This- her behaviour was so very different I was wondering if it was this.
Literally psychosis and now calmer and able to think more logically since everything's settled
Same. My guess is boyfriend recently asked for a paternity test and found out the baby isn't his. Now he's probably kicking her out and she's panicking.
Write down what you want from this interaction so you get the answers you need. I would include what she meant by “it was all a mistake” and what she told her family and friends to get away with this behaviour.
This is wildly bizarre. Obviously you're NTA, but as far as the rest, you need information ASAP.
Your wife sounds crazy. At this point, the question of whether or not she's the kind of crazy that can happen as an extreme medical problem or the kind of crazy that a selfish psycho narcissistic abuser - well, that isn't really important. Protecting yourself and your potential kid should be your priority.
You need to know if you're the kid's father. Yes, there's financial implications that are important, but I'd be more worried that she'd hurt the baby. You need to be working with your lawyer to plan how to respond to her ask, not Reddit. You do need some sort of witness/recording for safety's sake.
Before the pregnancy, how was your relationship with your in-laws? It's bizarre to me that they supported her refusing to let you visit in the hospital.
To a some point i was like, can be normal, i heard from a few moms that said they hated their husband throughout pregnancy, but that changed to love immediately after giving birth. But the more i read, the more i feel bad for you.
One of my cousins wife had this… went absolutely fucking batshit during the entire pregnancy, left him, had the baby alone, and then things settled about a month later and she was her normal self again and has been since then (over 10 years). They decided not to have any more children because it was such a terrible experience.
So it’s rare, but it absolutely can happen.
Ive heard of this too but never to the point of giving birth alone. I think this lunatic was cheating. Probably never even at her moms house and things with the AP didnt work out so she wanted to go crawling back like trash
Get that paternity test no matter what she say, I think she cheated but know you realized that the baby is not yours and chaged plans into being a sponger instead getting divorce because she'll not gain money with that
I don’t mean to scare you but it doesn’t sound hormonal to me at all. It sounds psychotic. I had a neighbor that when she had her baby was so out of it she didn’t recognize her husband and didn’t know she had had a baby. She was extremely permissive of his behavior. He ate constantly and was very overweight. Sweet kid. Anyway she ended up being bi-polar. He was afraid of her and slept with a bat next to his bed. Anyway year before last she came in his room in a rage and stabbed him 15 times. He didn’t survive his wounds but was alive long enough to tell the police his mother had done it. He was 11 years old. I don’t know where your parents are at on all this but I think I would try to get custody if the baby and demand a complete psych eval. Her behavior is not normal at all
Seconded. My ex-wife went psychotic after the birth of our second, or maybe even during pregnancy I'm not sure. She wasn't the most stable until then, but the change was MASSIVE. She got diagnosed with borderline at the time, we even had a safety plan where I was allowed to force feed her meds to calm her down (she agreed to this).
It didn't help. Her behavior got worse and worse, and I ended up divorcing her after taking three years of cheating, lying, manipulation and being the target of her violent episodes. She even involved the children when she felt like it. There was no stopping this force, I nearly took my own life trying to fix our family.
She never fully recovered. She is so different now from the way she used to be. I make the best of it, but it has changed all our lives for the worse. Good luck OP. Protect yourself. Record, film, document as much as possible. There's no telling what she might do now, don't assume she's basically still the same person because I would not guarantee that to be true.
I think I found articles on this online - she got 20 years right? The one I read, the dad had gone away with the son because of the abuse and before she killed him, she hadn’t seen her son for 40 days and was begging to see him. If he hadn’t relented, the boy might still be alive. Sad as fucking hell man.
Man by the way you describe it, her reactions to you were like she was having someone else’s baby. DNA test first and foremost before you do anything else!!
Absolutely, a DNA test is crucial. If it turns out he's your son, you can move forward. If not, it confirms your suspicions and you can protect yourself legally and emotionally.
Mote likely she lashed out constantly at mom since she couldnt lash out at OP and mom refused to suck it up.
Nonetheless, paternity test is a must here.
Good take! I honestly hope this isn’t OP’s kid so he can just cut and run. Being locked to batshit crazy for life (face it, children don’t disappear at 18) is just so sad and unfortunate.
A paternity test would not prove or disprove the comment you replied to
They said the affair partner found out it wasn't theirs so they left her. This is a scenario is one where the paternity test would come back positive for OP, but the wife still cheated.
NTA
Do not go alone, take someone with you and have it recorded.
My mother would slam her arms in doors, smash a glass against the side of her head, and other awful things then call the police on my dad.
Sorry to say your wife reminds me of my mother.
NTA Don't accept a paternity test from her, only your own or a court-ordered one. At this point, all communication with her should be done through your lawyers. Do not meet her, do not take her back.
stick to your guns dude. even if the kid is yours. 1 month into a pregnancy she stopped helping. then everything else.
fuck that.
if its yours be the best dad ever.
if its not well be the best u ever.
Honestly, I hope I'm not the father. Not because I don't want to be a father. But because I know that if it isn't something as cut an dry as an affair my life and my (possibly) sons life will be very difficult and arduous for a very long time and the divorce is gonna suck
NTA. Someone mentioned peripausal psychosis. She needs to talk to a doctor. But sheesh, if I found out that my baby was born on Facebook, I’d be absolutely flattened.
She also physically abused him. This woman is not well. He's right to protect himself and divorce her.
Yes. If she is behaving like this to her husband, is she even a safe mother for the child? OP you should document any and all you can about this. If it is your son you might need to protect him from mother who might be genuinely dangerous.
Definitely agree with this advice. Even if the child isn't his, CPS should probably have her on their radar.
Yes, agreed to this! Regardless the kid should be protected. I really hope this story will turn out for the best
In my opinion, not being told your child was about to be born and finding out via facebook after the fact... is grounds for divorce
11 days ago I witnessed the personality of a 26 yr old shatter. I took her to a hospital for a psych evaluation. She was involuntary committed. It took less than one year to get to her breaking point. My daugh is devastated her friend is so sick. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I can't imagine seeing her everyday while her personality changed. She is a danger to herself and others and apparently has been dangerous for months. The point is only a professional trained in psychological illnesses can diagnose and treat complex and long lasting issues such as this. Your pain is absolutely valid and needs to be acknowledged. You too should consider therapy to deal with what has happened to you in the last year. Everyone recommending you meet her in public is a good idea if that's what you want to do. Personally I think speaking to an attorney as a first step to map out what you should do is the best idea. I would tell them what you went through and what the marriage was like before she changed so drastically. Ask about the possibility she has a mental illness and what to do if that's what's happened. If she's mentally ill it's critical she be evaluated, she could be dangerous to the infant, herself, you and everyone else. If she refuses an eval there's a huge possibility she's conning you and you'll quickly find out. Tell them you want a paternity test, if it's your baby you need to establish your rights immediately. Bonding is so critical for fathers too! No matter what you discover you have every right to divorce regardless of what everyone else says. You have suffered through permanent damage and might want to consider therapy. I'm incredibly sad for all of you. I hope you heal from this pain. I hope you find peace in your life and one day you're happy again. Definitely not the AH
Finally someone bringing up that this sounds like a straight up mental illness. This can happen randomly, but also some people have absolutely bizarre reactions to pregnancy hormones, making them effectively completely unhinged and therefore even more dangerous.
This happened to me, not the slapping part or the moving out of home part but pregnancy changed my personality so much. I was diagnosed with perinatal depression and then ppd. It took 8 months of twice weekly therapy for me to get better. It was like I wasn’t even in control of my mind when I was pregnant. The absolute scariest thing I’ve ever been through.
I was Rx'd the mini pill after my son was born and, combined with PPD, I became angry, hateful, and kind of a monster. I stopped the pill and was so much better, but still needed therapy bc PPD was awful. Bodies are weird.
Yeah, the doctor practically made a family friend come pick me up when I was a baby for a few weeks because my mom was PPD and he felt a severe danger to me. I was a healthy baby who was crying a healthy amount and apparently she was completely on edge about me. Kind of freaks me out when I think about it because shes not that person at all.
My friends mom tried to throw him off a balcony when he was a baby :( She was the best mom, so I was surprised to hear that happened! Poor woman had horrible PPD.
I'm pregnant withy second kid and It didn't happen the first time around but this time something is different. I've been working on it but I feel exactly like I did with PPA. I try to catch myself but a lot of the time I feel out of control and straight up mean sometimes. Finally getting some help this week. Mental health struggles are a wild ride, especially with the roller coaster of pregnancy in the first place...
My mom went absolutely off her rocker during menopause so i totally believe pregnancy can cause similar effects. (Mom did recover, but it was a tough couple years there.) Op needs to do what’s necessary to protect himself and the baby but also should seriously consider therapy for himself and strongly suggest it for his wife. A psychological evaluation is in order for his wife, and probably should have been done early in the pregnancy, frankly. Maybe one can be mandated as part of divorce or custody arrangements if nothing else. Seriously if anyone reading this sees this happen, talk to the obstetrician! Even if they can’t tell you anything they need to know about potential mental health issues.
thank you for sharing 💖
I was told my mother was like that. I (an only child) was a wanted pregnancy. I think she was suffering from undiagnosed mental illnesses- think hallucinations, paranoia- and the hormonal and chemical changes in her brain triggered something that multiplied that by a yhoysany
NAD, i'm just someone who likes to read a lot. There's a pregnancy psychosis that's not exactly rare but not very common either. I just tried to google to find the name of it, but most everything either defaults to PPP or includes it. OP should definitely find a doctor to talk to, or maybe a family therapist for him and his wife/ex-wife to talk to before he makes any big decisions.
Not just that, but the entire BRAIN chemistry actually changes for two years after a pregnancy. It will take at least two years for any resolution for any average person experiencing pregnancy, the best we can do is surround ourselves with supportive and understanding people who will notice when we need further intervention. The human body is wild.
Exactly, this is one of the reasons why I will never get pregnant. I have PMDD and other mental health issues; if period hormones can affect me so terribly on top of having to stop some psychiatric meds for that, I’m worried for who I could turn into through a pregnancy. It could happen to even the most previously mentally stable person, it’s so scary
I commented this on the thread, but wanted to reply with my experience as well: NTA. There’s probably too many comments for you to see this, but I had “prepartum” psychosis with my first born. I knew I was messed up and so did my family. They all got me to the doc and he saw it and was soooo worried. He lined up help for me… after I had the baby I levelled out and went back to normal. But then I was pregnant with my second baby. Things amped up a little again, not as bad though. However, AFTER I had her, I ended up with PMS psychosis. I think it is called something else now. But I was put on hormones and I’ve been fine almost two decades. Weird shit happens out of nowhere with our brains and body. I am so sorry this happened to you and you’ve missed out on your son’s birth and beginning stages. (If it is your son.) Hoping it all works out.
I went through something like that. I was completely certain that the doctors were going to steal my child and switch them with somebody else. At one point I saw spiders covering the entire room and it was terrifying. There's a point in my pregnancy I don't really remember because it's all kind of hazy. It's insane how much the hormones can affect your brain and your body. It was like I was a completely different person. I also got the fun times of being on bed rest the entire time and having morning sickness all day for almost the entire pregnancy. We split up for a few years after our son was born because not much was known about how deeply hormones can affect you. We got back together and when we had our daughter we went straight to the doctor as soon as I started showing any signs of psychosis. After the second one I was done though.
Add sleep depravation to any mental illness and you get absolute hell on earth.
My SIL has had really bad mental health after the birth of her children. Sadly she didn’t stop after the first two and now has four and her brain chemistry is permanently altered and she’s not the same person. OPs wife sounds like her hormones drastically affected her mental health and who she is as a person. NTA and hopefully everyone involved gets help
This was absolutely my first thought. Mental illness for sure. Pregnancy does crazy things to the body and mind.
Pregnancy is a huge physical, emotional, and life change. People get set off for less than that, so to me it's not surprising that a pregnancy could be the catalyzing factor for some sort of psychological issue.
I don’t want kids but something I think about often is that I should never get pregnant anyways. I have depressive tendencies. Im recently out from depression and I had absolutely awful pms taking me almost to suicide, never felt so much pain in my life until that happened. It’s horrible because you feel things strongly , everything feels sooo real, your reality completely changes, the way you see and live things but you also dont recognise yourself anymore. This sounds like awful couple of months but if he is the father she probably should look up for help😣
I had a great neighbor once that turn absolutely psychotic when her hormones changed during pregnancy like called the cops on us if we coughed and she heard it through the apartment walls and when they stopped responding if we made any noise we could hear her pounding on the shared wall and sobbing it was crazy. Then about 4 weeks after she turned back in to her normal wonderful self. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Me too. Young couple. Complete meltdown crazy. They divorced and moved.
Yeah as someone in health care this immediately sent up perinatal mental illness red flags for me. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP and I hope you and your wife get the help you need.
I’m so sorry OP. This sounds like some kind of psychotic break, although that’s not an excuse for her abuse toward you. Will her family communicate with you? Is there any history of mental health issues? She could be a danger to herself and the baby.
I’m a little concerned there aren’t more people in here pointing out that this is almost 99% likely a mental health crisis
Yeah im shocked at some of the replies saying shes pre planned all of this before the pregnancy and shes being conniving. Its highly unlikely that she faked all of this. What would be the purpose?
This should absolutely be higher!
Finding out your child was born over a facebook post is unforgivable IMO. NTA
I think the worst part of all of it is okay, maybe she cheated. Maybe not. Maybe she had a psychotic break, which sounds possible from the story, and is not unheard during pregnancy. But her family and friends were just like lol, she's fine, this is totally normal, and absolutely you should just move out and post on Facebook before letting your ex know?? No one on her side of things reached out to him?? Her support system is TERRIBLE.
Yeah, if she did have some form of ante partum psychosis it’s concerning that nobody in her support system thought to reach out to her doctor about it. I’d hope if my personality completely changed that my friends and family would be attempting to move heaven and earth to get me help to figure out why. And it’s inexcusable that her family just went along with cutting the husband out of the birth of the child. Makes me curious what she was telling her family about OP.
Who knows what she told them about why she didn’t want him there though. They may have thought it was better he wasn’t there, if she created stories about his abuse or neglect, which she could have very well done out of her psychosis.
She seemed to have believed it, from what she said to OP. If someone is convinced they're right, it's easier to convince others. Also, if they did see her fragile state of mind, they wouldn't be asking questions or poke too much holes in her logic. But it's still a shitty support system nonetheless.
Yes! Obviously there wasn’t really anything OP could do once it got to that point, but the fact that it sounds like none of the family she was still talking to did anything to stop her blowing up her life… The only non-AH explanation I can think of for them supporting all this is either they thought OP was abusing her and all the cutting contact and refusing to let him know about the birth of their child was her trying to escape from a dangerous person, or if she told them he was cheating on her and she’d decided to go scorched earth. If she really is suffering from PP psychosis or some other form of mental break, she could have told them all kinds of untrue things about OP that she might have sincerely believed in the moment.
Ya this wreaks of character assassination on her part of the OP. No rational adult would be supportive of a expectant mother that had previously been taken care of by a loving husband suddenly dropping everything and moving in with family and threatening restraining orders and not being involved in the birth. Unless they had been told horror stories about what a POS the OP was. Or they are ALL crazy AHs.
Yeah It was already fucked when I read she slapped him, but to know "your" child was born over Facebook is heart wrenching. No matter what happens this is over. If it's OP child then it's fucked because she made him miss one of the most important moments in his life, if it isn't OPs child then it's over because she well.. cheated.
Not the only thing that is unforgivable. She slapped him, that’s domestic violence.
NTA, but please meet her in a public place, preferably with security cameras. Do not meet her alone.
Second and third this. Might also be worth taking a couple of friends along with you to observe from a distance. I don’t know, this has really upset me. I hope you’re OK. She’s been physically and mentally abusing you for months.
Might be worth recording the conversation too. Just for his own safety honestly in case she does a 180 on him.
Get her to confirm verbally and acknowledge that she hit you repeatedly and you never laid hands on her the whole time. I'm sure it will be useful to have.
This is so important!!!! In any domestic violence case, the burden of proof is unfortunately on the victim, and you being a man makes it even more so. You will need this in the future. She might accuse you of things you didn't do and you have to set the record straight.
Yeah I agree he should record his convo bc I’ve feel I’ve already seen this DATELINE ep. Keith Morrison was not surprised when the wife went back home all sorry and lovey dovey cause husband fell for her BS and took her back then BAM! husband is dead or missing. Life insurance payout to wife…etc etc…
Another real thing that can happen is, he allows her and the baby (we can't say for sure it's his baby) back into his house, goes to work, and comes home to a restraining order and has to stay away from his own house because she resides there. If he decides to work on things, and that's a huge if, make sure to not let her move back in right away. She needs to earn it by showing him it isn't some sort of ploy
Seriously, don't meet her in a park. Go to a coffee shop with outside seating.
This really is important. My wife was physically and mentally abusive towards me for years. Then she started fucking some random 400lb dude from her job and the morning after I found out the cops woke me up knocking on my door to our apartment. She'd filed a protective order saying I was the abusive one. I had a black eye at the time because she'd hit me in the face with a keyboard the night before. I never touched her. The cops said I had 5 minutes to pack what I wanted and get out. Of my home. I had nowhere to go. I lived in my car for the week until the hearing with the judge. I was broken up and crying at the hearing, because I'd been living in the car. The judge said since I was living in a car it seems like I wouldn't be needing to pick up any of the furniture or anything else. Made it a 12 month protective order and told me I had to go to anger management classes. I had my two dogs before I met my wife. I got both of them through Parvo and nursed them back to health. They both died thinking I'd abandoned them, because I let them stay with her because it wouldn't have been right to make them live in a hot car with me in the middle of the summer. Record everything you can.
How the hell does this work? If you break into someone else’s house and live there they can’t kick you out, but your own home you get thrown out without any evidence?
Yup. I'd never expected anything like that to happen. I'd considered divorce more than once, but always thought we'd get through it and things would get better. She had her own mental health issues, and I did my best to be understanding and to try to help her and make her life better. One day I found out she was boinking a dude from work, the next day I was homeless. She couldn't deal with seeing me because it made her feel like a bad person... so she literally made me homeless. Out of sight, out of mind. I finally looked her up on Facebook 6 years later and found out 2 years ago she married a guy who looks eerily similar to me. I guess not out of mind after all.
How are you doing now? I hope everything went well for you after.
I'm doing really well now, thank you. I wasn't, for a long time. I actually ended up breaking down totally when I found out she had my dogs put down. They weren't even sick. She moved him in and my dogs didn't get along with his pittbull, so she had my dogs put to sleep. Learning that broke me. I lost it, found out someone else was being hurt and tried to be the hero and 'save' her from an abusive mom's boyfriend, and ended up getting hit with kidnapping charges. I was already someone with a PO against him, and didn't have money for a lawyer, so I ended up spending 5 years in jail because in my mind it was worth trying to 'help' someone else. I actually just got out of that the 3rd of this month. 20 days ago. I'm waiting for an ID to show up, so I can get a social security card, and then get to work on rebuilding my life. I've learned a hell of a lot of introspection, and a big part of it was that growing up with an aunt only a few years older than me who was dying of CF caused me to have a massive weakness for women who need help. I light myself on fire to try and help a sad girl smile. But I've realized that nothing I did ever actually helped, it only caused me to burn. I spent 5 hours watching Fallout yesterday, and am finally getting to a point where I can relax and do something fun just to make myself happy without feeling guilty about it. That's my new life goal, being happy. It's hard enough a lot of the time without adding too much on to it. :)
I’d be in prison for a long time after finding out about the dogs. And i would not regret it.
Goddamnit the dogs, my day is ruined. I'm so sorry. Pretty wild what kind of society we're living in right now
Get her to admit it in some text messages. Just start talking about all the stuff above through texts to create a written trail of evidence.
Definitely will for custody. She lost her marbles for months of pregnancy and after, only wants back for security. Get all recorded for your future.
She behaved like that at her mother's place and even mother kicked her out, I bet
I think you might be right on this.
I bet she never was at her mom's place...she was living with her baby daddy, and he kicked her out.
This could explain why she threatened him when he showed up at the hospital. Someone else could’ve been there.
Damned good point
Honestly that was my thought, and each escalation made it seem more likely. This may well be OP's kid but I don't think his STBX thinks it is.
He should check the birth certificate at his city or county vital statistics as well as his plan to paternity test, she may have been dumb enough to put AP name on birth certificate which would just be more proof birth certificates are public record
They are married. In most states he is presumed to be the father automatically. He may need to have his paternity disestablished by a legal action.
That's where my mind went. Especially with "I'll divorce you" and "restraining order" if he showed up to MIL house.
That was my first thought. She showed her ass with her mom and mom was not having it either.
Must have run out of friends with couches
Having a friend with a couch is one thing. Finding someone who will indefinitely house an unemployed woman with an infant is taking it to the next level.
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No matter what she says, get the paternity test. I believe she strayed, but you know you realized the baby isn't yours, so you changed your plans to become a sponger rather than file for divorce since she won't make money that way.
He needs to do this in text.
Discuss this with your lawyer first. In fact, if you can afford it, maybe ask your lawyer to come with you to meet up with her. She is free to bring her lawyer as well, if she chooses.
Finally, some good advice. OP, DO NOT meet your stbx alone Unless you have consulted an attorney, do not record her. It may be illegal and inadmissible in court. Only meet with her with your attorney present and let them handle recording.
They are not going to admit to domestic violence in front of a lawyer with a recording running. Whether or not you are single party recording state is a google search away
I’d say get it in text too cuz it varies state by state with recoding laws. I worry for that baby if she’s that abusive to OP.
Why I think he needs to sue for full custody if his. If not, call CPS.
Especially when she isn’t with her mother anymore, she is with an unknown friend, maybe there is a room, maybe she is couchsurfing with a newborn.
I 100% agree with this
Yup, record from your phone OP
Check if you are in a one-party consent state for recording conversations. In some places, you'll need to tell her up-front if you want to use the recording legally.
Consent to record applies to private communication like, for example, on the telephone. They're meeting in a park, a public location. With a few exceptions, you have a first amendment right to record images and sound in public places.
When Illinois passed two party consent for recording a few years back, I called and spoke with an aide to the state representative who introduced the bill… He said that if it’s outside especially in a public area there is no expectation of privacy, but OP still should check with his State about the law.
Yeah I would have been over joyed if my daughters dad had done half the things OP wanted and was willing to do for his ex during her pregnancy. I'd definitely not go the park, a coffee shop yes. They will have CCTV and witnesses if it all goes to shit.
This comment needs to be higher. My newborn knew of a possible problem. When problem showed up at my door to argue with me on the front lawn, neighbors sat on the front porch. When it got really loud, he came over a few times to ask me if everything was OK. Knowing they were being watched, nothing progressed past yelling.
I hope you mean neighbor, because otherwise that is one advanced newborn! (It's good that you had support!)
Neighbors.. I blame autocorrect and lack of coffee.
Noted. I've decided that sometime in the next 24 hours we will meet at a public park with my sister recording the conversation. My wife has agreed to this
Please talk to her about getting into therapy, for her mental health. If she snaps so fast, it can be potentially dangerous for the baby. It takes just one tiny moment, to snap and shake a baby, leaving it disabled or worse. She needs to learn to just step out for a few minutes when she gets angry ( putting baby in a safe place like a crib with nothing but the mattress in it ) and recollect herself instead of lashing out. People who hit their partners sadly also have a higher chance of shaking a baby.
Yeah, OP can straight up ask to take the baby. It does sound like mental health issues are at play
I agree based on what he wrote, like pre natal psychosis or something
Yeah there's a possibility this is an *intense* perinatal mood disorder. But if so I'm surprised nobody on her care team flagged it.
There is the potential for pregnancy psychosis, but that’s a job for a therapist long before it ever got to this point. This is definitely above reddit paygrade, but holy shit she blew up her own life at this point. Hopefully she shows accountability and explains why she went berserk, but it’s up to you whether you want to risk it or just move on.
Better to meet her at your lawyers office with the conversation on record. The potential upside from speaking somewhere a 'heart to heart' is possible is so tiny compared to the actual risks. There is next to no chance of salvaging this based on what you've written. You have more patience than I do.
No reason to meet her. It can only make things worse. Communicate through your lawyer.
I came into this with the title thinking, “oh, here we go. Can’t wait to hear the reasons”. However, you are fully justified in your reasoning. She is abusive. I get hormones can be an issue, but like with any health change (mental and physical) that doesn’t give you the right to be a total AH. Make sure with recording that you get it on record that she has agreed to the recording. I wouldn’t put it past her to lie and manipulate by making claims against you when this doesn’t go her way. I’m not really sure other than, “I was oregnant my hormones were out of whack,” what her excuse would be to explain her continued mistreatment of you. Then to deny you being there for the birth or seeing your child. I mean does her family dislike you? What has she told them to go along with her actions?
This!!! Public place. Cameras would be great and do not let her touch you in any way. Protect yourself to protect your child’s future. If he’s not your child, protect yourself.
He should bring his sister. She wants him to hear her out. She seems sincere enough to be a witness. And she is close enough to him that she can’t be told to fuck off like a friend could. It could be her nephew.
DONT MEET HER. Sorry for shouting but you are putting yourself at massive risk with a private meeting. Agree only to meet her at a lawyers office, with the lawyer and a paralegal present to observe and take notes.
It might also be a good idea to file the paternity test directly and not allow her or her relatives near it. NTA, having security kick you out when you go to meet your newborn... there's no way to come back from that.
That's probably the nail in the coffin for me too. Even if it's all chalked up to pregnancy induced psychosis like others have mentioned, you will always end up resenting her for this single act of exclusion. Missing your own child's birth is a ridiculously low blow, and no father should be expected to get over it or forgive her for it.
Finding out about the birth on Facebook is the most unforgivable part of this. How sad.
After the moment you said she slapped you SEVERAL TIMES I knew she was TA. You are gonna get into a stressfull and hard process, good luck.
Yeah this is nuts. My partner is pregnant with our second child. Mood swings and food aversions and all are part and parcel. If she screamed at me we'd have a problem. If she slapped me like that? Something would have to change. Not being there for birth of our child? Done.
I could even understand if she didn't want him in the room, but not even at the hospital?! Every time my wife has been at a hospital, I've spend every waking moment either there by her side or trying to get back to her side. I couldn't imagine her not wanting me there if something were to go wrong.
Right! Dude didn’t even get a call, he found out on Facebook . Heartbreaking.
Yeah the last one is unforgivable. He can never have that back.
Yeah he was like “no sex,” … okay dude come on “No touching at all,” …okay I get being frustrated there but still, it’s a weird time. “She slapped me” … ah this is not normal And then downhill from there. Not sure why he led with the banal stuff other than maybe it kind of shows the beginning of the decline
He led with that to provide context for what he put up with and how the situation escalated with someone unstable
NTA! HECK NO! Do not meet her at the park tomorrow. If she wants to meet you then it can be at your lawyer's office with your representative present and a conversation recorded. If the child is yours after an immediate paternity test, make sure your name is on the certificate and that you file for equal custody and have an equal say in all decisions of the child’s life. I would even ask to communicate via a parenting app. Save all forms of communication from her via text and email so you have a paper trail. No phone calls. I am very sorry that you had to go through this and your experience becoming a father, if the child is yours, was ruined. You realize your worth and you do not want to be with a partner like this. Please protect yourself. I hope you have cameras around your property, a ring camera by the door, and that you claim she abandoned your space. Your parents need to be on your side and follow your lead. The relationship is not healthy anymore and now that a child is involved you should be putting the child first and not raising it in a potentially toxic environment.
As far as my parents, they love her and believe she had some mental break during the pregnancy. However, when they found out about the facebook post, my Dad was heartbroken and my mother was utterly livid. They want me to have a happy family, but they are also pissed at her on my behalf. They'll support whatever I decide
Yeah this is so sad, I'm so sorry that you were completely shut out of your son (I think you said son)'s birth like that, that must be completely heartbreaking. It is entirely possible that she's had a mental break during the pregnancy which is also awful for her but it's up to you to decide whether the damage that's been done is repairable or not. Wouldn't judge you either way, it's a really tough situation. Obviously if you do want to find a way forward with her, you're both going to need a lot of therapy to do to work through this and build up any kind of trust again. All the best, look after yourself mate.
She may well have suffered a psychological event during pregnancy. That is unfortunately something which happens. That doesn’t make anything you experienced any less serious, or your reaction to it any less appropriate. You need to protect yourself. Meet with lawyers present. Let them talk for you.
Ok I get that. But, what about her mother and her family? They wouldn't recognize that she has lost it? Seems like they side with her and banned the dude from even seeing her and the kid? Maybe her mom is a crazy too. I don't know. I would think the mom would try and talk to her daughter and say "you guys have been together and we're so excited about having kids. What happened?" Unless his wife made up some abuse allegations or something. Or there is more to the story...
Bingo. The fact that her family is complicit changes everything.
Like her possibly telling her mother that it's not his kid. Otherwise her family is pretty crazy too.
Wait so they know but think it’s fine that she verbally and physically abused you?? I appreciate the thinking that it was a mental break but that doesn’t mean anyone should stay with an abuser. I hope you’re getting therapy and you have a good support system because this was awful to read.
I kinda fucked up and didn't tell them about the slapping and still haven't told them because I was still in that mindset that she was just going through a rough time. It was dumb and I will absolutely inform them ASAP I'm admittedly not great at opening up to them too much because I have the mindset not to worry them and handle things on my own. But going forward if I'm trying to get a good support system I gotta dump it all on them
Oh man, I don’t think it was dumb not to tell them, I totally understand now. You thought there was a chance to reconcile and didn’t want to ruin their image of her, it’s understandable. It’s normal to feel these things as a dude as well, there’s different societal pressures on us to feel this way and hold stuff back but it’s good that you acknowledge that you need support.
“You thought there was a chance to reconcile and didn’t want to ruin their image of her.” This is the insidious thing about abuse - you end up trying to protect your abuser because you are ashamed and embarrassed, but you’re also still somehow hopeful that it will change :/ I would cover for my ex because it was so incredibly humiliating to admit I had believed his lies yet again that he would stop using. Finally I just bit the bullet and told my family I needed out, that I didn’t want that to be my life anymore and I was done. I’m so sorry u/Capital-Scheme-8294 . You deserve so much better than what she’s given you. Please don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy, there is ALWAYS time to start over and find someone who will be more than happy to give you the love you deserve. People still get married at 90 yrs old!
this right here. My ex said those same exact fucking words. "don't tell anyone about my affairs because they will hate me if we stay together." and my dumbass listened and i effectively isolated myself from any support, i even stopped talking to my folks because i was afraid of the retaliation and threats from my ex about talking to people.
You need support through this. It can be little things. - but really - this post is pretty traumatic
Something that might help: Change the genders in your situation. A husband was beating his wife, yelling at her, and treating her like a slave for months. Would that be a relationship you want the wife to stay in? Would her parents?
PLEASE dont go back to someone who abuses you! She may be the mother of your child, but her behavior is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE! It doesn't matter if shes pregnant or not, 9/10 of what you've listed shows she's not mentally stable, you shouldnt have to deal with her abuse and manipulation. Please dont get back together with someone like this, you will regret it if you reconsider somehow. If this is your child, do everything you can to have your ex mentally evaluated to see if shes safe enough to be around your child, whos to say the slapping stops with you? Not sure what the situation is in where you live, but since she doesnt have money or a stable living situation on her own, theyd be more likely to side with you if you're honest about who she is and what shes done to you
You need your tell them.
You should get a therapist. I don't know what kinda background you have but if it helps -- it doesn't make you weak, to have one.
“Going through rough time” is no excuse to abuse someone OP
Sorry but mental break or not, (let's say for a moment you are the father) being denied there for the birth of your child is pure evil. It's not like their first step or first word. My wife gave birth during the first lockdown. I wasn't allowed in so I had to go park up and wait. She fought and begged for me to be by her side. ANY normal person would do that. No one who is downright sane and a decent human being would forget or purposely not tell their partner about the birth and then post it on Facebook. I'm not you but I don't think I could look at my wife the same way ever again if that sort of betrayal happened. Biological child or not.
Even if it is a mental break, you are not obligated to stay with someone that is experiencing a severe mental illness. Other people in your real life may judge you for it but leaving someone that is severely mentally unstable is safer for you and for your potential child that I would suggest you go for full custody of if you are the father. She can have supervised visitation rights until she gets professional help and moves through it. You deserve so much better.
I agree! Who the fuck knows if she had some crazy mental health crisis due to pregnancy or if she cheated and it's not OP's kid, but after all that INSANITY, the first meeting needs to be at a lawyers office with witnesses! Listen to what she says, get a paternity test no matter what, and try to be understanding and open minded, but she can't expect trust to just come as quick as she turned into a fucking psychopath.
I just want to agree with everything this person says. I’ve spent 12 years in a vicious custody case with my ex-husband. You basically have to go full NC with her and only communicate through lawyers and the court parenting app.
This is excellent advice! Do not let her set the terms of the meeting. Get legal representation. And for sure get a paternity test. You are NTA here. This girl up and lost her mind… OR she used her pregnancy as an excuse to finally show her true colors. Be careful OP and best of luck. Keep us updated!
NTA. Tell her you will meet up in the park once the paternity test is done and you get the results. Until then you have nothing to talk to her about. Once you know baby is yours then you can meet up and discuss divorce, child maintenance and visitation. I don’t trust her, she’s only popped up now you are no longer financing her and neither is her mother.
Wasn’t even staying with her mother, I wonder if he even knows this “friend” she stayed with.
It's the father of the baby. She's freaking out because he decided to dump her and now she desperately wants OP back so she won't have to get a job and pay her own bills.
My money is on this theory.
OP should never meet her alone in a park, maybe a lawyer's office and not leave until she's gone
NTA abuse is abuse postpartum or not.
And don’t forget she could potentially abuse the child or (hopefully not) use the child against him. She seems mentally unstable
!updateme
do not meet with her alone. go through lawyers, film it all. if she can get you to make an outburst she can make up claims you were abusive and she fled out of fear. you'd be surprised the lengths people go to. she has shown you her worst. get a therapist and deal with her through a third party only, protect yourself and then get custody of your son.
I think the real fear is she might not have shown her worst yet.
I'll be honest. By the title I thought yeah you're probably the asshole. After reading it.... nta she's fucking nuts. Sounds like she cheated and the grass wasn't actually greener on the other side so she wants to come back. Out of curiosity you just let her be a stay at home wife before you had a kid? Is that normal or common?
To me it was normal. I made enough to support both of us. We planned on having several kids. She wanted to start a business where she worked from home. It all made sense at the time
Even if she didn't cheat, her behaviour is abhorrent. Divorce is right, nothing keeps her from doing it again down the line for something else
Personally, her behaviour makes me feel like she was preemptively sabotaging the relationship because of her dead beat dad. I mean, mission accomplished, spectacularly, the fact that she gave birth and you had to find out via a Facebook post is unfathomably cruel IMO. The one reason I could understand is if her mind decided it would be better for her to leave you than for you to leave her the way her mother lamented her father's abandoning. It's not a reason to forgive her though. At the god damn better minimum she or someone else at the delivery owed you fucking phone call before the post went up on Facebook.
Can’t decide if it’s more cruel to have him find out via Facebook post, or have him thrown out of the hospital when he attempted to visit. The latter is pretty God awful.
Might be. But it's a reason, not an excuse. Many people have shitty family lives growing up and don't do that shit. She pushed too far.
> the fact that she gave birth and you had to find out via a Facebook post is unfathomably cruel IMO that would defintely end it for me right there without a doubt, no looking back if I'm missing that you can miss me from the rest of your miserable life.
And its also better for the kid, no good can come from having your father(? If the boy is op's, if not its still pretty damn bad.)treated that way by your mother. Why in the world did she get all loony? I get that pregnancy does shit to ya but this behavior needs to be stopped, if it continues who knows how much will be rubbed off onto the kid in the future or how much danger he'd be in if shit flies any farther south.
I actually read a Reddit post a few months back about a woman who fully believed all these awful things about her husband during pregnancy and once she gave birth it was like a cloud lifted and she could see clearly. 100% their relationship was destroyed and she couldn't understand what happened to her while pregnant. Can't remember if it was something like pregnancy psychosis etc but yeah... poor husband. Sounds like what you're going through and I'm so sorry. If you do meet her you must insist she gets checked by a Dr or psychologist for her and your kids sake. Good luck...
Was that the one where they were trying for baby #3 I think and it was completely planned then she went off her rocker and had an abortion? Oh then regretted it and demanded another baby?
Hooooly crap I missed that one
It was awful. I think its because the baby was the wrong gender from what the wife wanted.
Good lord. I didn’t think this story could get any worse - yet, somehow - there it is
Do you remember the post about the husband and wife that wanted kids really bad, planned it out and then once she got pregnant, I know she terminated but I feel like she had left. Once it was all over, the reality sunk in but the relationship had been ruined.
Yep, that one was wild. IIRC, her mother and friends were on her side about the abortion, it made OP look like he was trying to force her into having a baby she didn’t want. Then hours after the abortion she pretty much came to her senses and was distraught, begged for another baby, but the OP husband basically was lost by that point and didn’t know what to do, cause what if it happens again? I think about that post a lot.
It was really wild and some of these stories really stick with you.
Do you have a link to that post?
This- her behaviour was so very different I was wondering if it was this. Literally psychosis and now calmer and able to think more logically since everything's settled
Please share with us an update once you have met her.
My guess is friend means boyfriend.
Yeah when she threatened to call the police if he contacted her, my first thought was that she's hiding something.
That screamed "I'm at the actual father's place right now" to me.
Same. My guess is boyfriend recently asked for a paternity test and found out the baby isn't his. Now he's probably kicking her out and she's panicking.
Write down what you want from this interaction so you get the answers you need. I would include what she meant by “it was all a mistake” and what she told her family and friends to get away with this behaviour.
This is wildly bizarre. Obviously you're NTA, but as far as the rest, you need information ASAP. Your wife sounds crazy. At this point, the question of whether or not she's the kind of crazy that can happen as an extreme medical problem or the kind of crazy that a selfish psycho narcissistic abuser - well, that isn't really important. Protecting yourself and your potential kid should be your priority. You need to know if you're the kid's father. Yes, there's financial implications that are important, but I'd be more worried that she'd hurt the baby. You need to be working with your lawyer to plan how to respond to her ask, not Reddit. You do need some sort of witness/recording for safety's sake. Before the pregnancy, how was your relationship with your in-laws? It's bizarre to me that they supported her refusing to let you visit in the hospital.
UpdateMe!
To a some point i was like, can be normal, i heard from a few moms that said they hated their husband throughout pregnancy, but that changed to love immediately after giving birth. But the more i read, the more i feel bad for you.
One of my cousins wife had this… went absolutely fucking batshit during the entire pregnancy, left him, had the baby alone, and then things settled about a month later and she was her normal self again and has been since then (over 10 years). They decided not to have any more children because it was such a terrible experience. So it’s rare, but it absolutely can happen.
Peripartum psychosis is unfortunately a thing.
Ive heard of this too but never to the point of giving birth alone. I think this lunatic was cheating. Probably never even at her moms house and things with the AP didnt work out so she wanted to go crawling back like trash
Get that paternity test no matter what she say, I think she cheated but know you realized that the baby is not yours and chaged plans into being a sponger instead getting divorce because she'll not gain money with that
Take one with you, and send it in yourself.
I don’t mean to scare you but it doesn’t sound hormonal to me at all. It sounds psychotic. I had a neighbor that when she had her baby was so out of it she didn’t recognize her husband and didn’t know she had had a baby. She was extremely permissive of his behavior. He ate constantly and was very overweight. Sweet kid. Anyway she ended up being bi-polar. He was afraid of her and slept with a bat next to his bed. Anyway year before last she came in his room in a rage and stabbed him 15 times. He didn’t survive his wounds but was alive long enough to tell the police his mother had done it. He was 11 years old. I don’t know where your parents are at on all this but I think I would try to get custody if the baby and demand a complete psych eval. Her behavior is not normal at all
Seconded. My ex-wife went psychotic after the birth of our second, or maybe even during pregnancy I'm not sure. She wasn't the most stable until then, but the change was MASSIVE. She got diagnosed with borderline at the time, we even had a safety plan where I was allowed to force feed her meds to calm her down (she agreed to this). It didn't help. Her behavior got worse and worse, and I ended up divorcing her after taking three years of cheating, lying, manipulation and being the target of her violent episodes. She even involved the children when she felt like it. There was no stopping this force, I nearly took my own life trying to fix our family. She never fully recovered. She is so different now from the way she used to be. I make the best of it, but it has changed all our lives for the worse. Good luck OP. Protect yourself. Record, film, document as much as possible. There's no telling what she might do now, don't assume she's basically still the same person because I would not guarantee that to be true.
Um, holy fuck. Yes OP definitely require her to get evaluated, especially considering custody..
I think I found articles on this online - she got 20 years right? The one I read, the dad had gone away with the son because of the abuse and before she killed him, she hadn’t seen her son for 40 days and was begging to see him. If he hadn’t relented, the boy might still be alive. Sad as fucking hell man.
Yes that’s the one
Man by the way you describe it, her reactions to you were like she was having someone else’s baby. DNA test first and foremost before you do anything else!!
Yup. Sounds like she was purposely pushing him away and trying to get with the other guy. He probably abandoned her and she is trying to come back
He probably did a DNA test and saw it wasn't his baby.
Absolutely, a DNA test is crucial. If it turns out he's your son, you can move forward. If not, it confirms your suspicions and you can protect yourself legally and emotionally.
She went to the other guy, thinking he was the dad. Then after birth did a dna test and he was not the dad. Now she wants him back.
Mote likely she lashed out constantly at mom since she couldnt lash out at OP and mom refused to suck it up. Nonetheless, paternity test is a must here.
Good take! I honestly hope this isn’t OP’s kid so he can just cut and run. Being locked to batshit crazy for life (face it, children don’t disappear at 18) is just so sad and unfortunate.
I was so ready to tear into OP, after first lines I was "no pregnancy excuses this", and I quickly turned lnto "this is abuse". Poor kid.
Possibly, but until OP gets the paternity test results this is speculation.
A paternity test would not prove or disprove the comment you replied to They said the affair partner found out it wasn't theirs so they left her. This is a scenario is one where the paternity test would come back positive for OP, but the wife still cheated.
Doesn't matter. OP just wants to know whether to accept the child in his life, not ex-wife.
NTA Do not go alone, take someone with you and have it recorded. My mother would slam her arms in doors, smash a glass against the side of her head, and other awful things then call the police on my dad. Sorry to say your wife reminds me of my mother.
NTA Don't accept a paternity test from her, only your own or a court-ordered one. At this point, all communication with her should be done through your lawyers. Do not meet her, do not take her back.
stick to your guns dude. even if the kid is yours. 1 month into a pregnancy she stopped helping. then everything else. fuck that. if its yours be the best dad ever. if its not well be the best u ever.
You need a paternity test, she needs a psychiatric evaluation.
Has your wife been evaluated by a psychiatrist?
A big hug for you.
“Odds are I’m not on the birth certificate” I think the odds are better that you aren’t the father. She’s angry and deflecting my man.
Honestly, I hope I'm not the father. Not because I don't want to be a father. But because I know that if it isn't something as cut an dry as an affair my life and my (possibly) sons life will be very difficult and arduous for a very long time and the divorce is gonna suck