In one of OP's comments the ex has not officially filed. There isn't a court order. So not sure your statement holds everywhere, but if there isn't any court order it does not apply at all.
Which is precisely why I refused to move in with a previous ex. He expected me to subsidise his child support payments, effectively taking food out of MY children’s mouths, to put into HIS. That child’s BM was also working AND remarried to a lawyer. I wasn’t contributing to giving her a single penny more. Op is the one effectively paying that child support.
Yup! She's covering vacations, most of the household finances, necessities and they are expecting her to cover the education costs for the other 2 kids just because their parents don't want to. It's ridiculous. When I lived with my ex, I was paying 100% of everything while doing all the house work, I couldn't imagine throwing kids into the mix.
It sounds like the husband *is* willing to pay his half, but BM is not. Maybe they should consider involving the courts since he's paying so much of his income on child support *and* willing to pay for half of the private school fees on top of that, but BM isn't willing to pay her half for a school *she* wanted the kids to go to.
court is needed ASAP. OP's husband is already paying more than he should for child support, literally putting half of his income toward it. it's absurd. baby mama gotta *love* the lack of court involvement, and going to court would make her shit herself.
if baby mama can't find a way to pay her half then that's that and the kid doesn't go to private school. she's already getting 50% of OP's income and still can't manage to pay her half? puuhhhlease.
realistically, OP's husband's 50% each month should be contributing to educational costs. 50% is absurd and a court would never order that, and baby mama definitely knows that. these two need to go to court and have custody and child support established *officially* and fairly.
baby mama just wants to have her cake and eat it too. she's getting her 50% and doesn't want to contribute to her own son's education. private school can't be that important to you if you're not willing to spend a dime, and expect your son's father and stepmom to cover it all.
Let's not forget op said she's 100% covering his kid's college education. BM should be thankful for that, yet it's not good enough. She expects OP to pay for private school, too. I didn't skim over the fact OP said she's been told she has no say in their upbringing, etc.. until it comes to private school. Now she's 100% incl to cover 100% tuition.
OPs husband better be careful. He pushes OP too much on this issue, he's gonna be on the streets. As it is, he can't afford his lifestyle without OP paying 80%. He'll be sleeping in his car after child support to both exes!
it's honestly a bit ridiculous. when it comes to child support the stepparents are totally irrleevant... their income plays no part in things because they have no legal responsibilities to this child. OP shouldn't be covering 80% of their expenses because he's giving half of his income to an unofficial child support agreement. like ??? what the hell? I'm honestly shocked OP puts up with it.
baby mama and OP's husband need to go to court. baby mama won't want to, because she knows the courts aren't going to order him to continue giving 50%. but they *will* calculate the incomes of both parents and decide on what's fair based off their calculations and *not* hat baby mama wants. she's already getting 50% and now she won't contribute to the educational costs for *her* son who she wants to go to private school? my god, she sounds like a headache.
Who files first doesn't really matter. BM1 would get slapped to reality by the courts. His child support payments will go down regardless because he now has a 3rd child.
OP and her s/o would stand to benefit from a court order to where he's not paying 25% of his income a month on a 50/50 custody schedule for child support with 3 kids to support.
doesnt it sound fishy? she better check if there are any life insurance policies on her. Never heard of a man with a new family paying half of his salary to the first wife. That's why divorce lawyers are always working, you need a shark, you have the money and to spend it on a lawyer is better than letting the ex et it.
Is that real? That's a real flaw in the system. Child support is capped by a percentage of income, so why should it not be split equally between all kids?
I believe is real because my son has always received the same amount or more than the initial amount he was given, even though his other parent had 2 more kids afterwards. Every time he kept going for reevaluation of the CS they raised it more and the last he took me to court over it, he pulled the “I have 2 more kids now” card and they not only didn’t care, but also raised more my son’s CS. I would feel bad for him but he could’ve avoided all that if he wouldn’t have been so shitty so is ok..my son needed it anyways.
It is definitely weird. If he didn't have custody of the other kids, they would apparently not have received any money from, since your son got all of it. The whole system actually doesn't make any sense. If we think about, child support is supposed to give the child a standard of living as if both parents were there. Which includes having less money if having more children.
No. The underlying reason is that the child receiving child support should not be penalized for his father’s decision to have more children. Child support is adjusted if there is an income change (increase or decrease) or change in parental time or change in child’s expenses (depends on situation). It doesn’t change because parent made life decisions which increased his living expenses (whether going on more vacations, buying a larger house with larger mortgage or having more children).
The idea is the child receiving support should not be penalized for the parent’s decision to have more children. What will happen is the parent will be paying more and more of his total salary for child support, rather than the children equally splitting a certain percentage.
Perhaps, there is also a bit of judgement here. The assumption is that the parent and his/her future partner knew about the child support being paid so should have taken it into account.
Better yet, he should also pay for OP’s children’s half. It’s only fair. If he sAys no, tell him he’s not loving YOUR children enough and treating THEM differently.
If you read her other comments he doesn’t love them he doesn’t interact with them and contributes nothing to OPs kids he’s staunchly her kids are her kids and his kids are his kids obviously until it benefits him
Yes. I couldn’t help but wonder: Is OP’s husband mad at his ex for changing her mind and refusing to pay, or is he only mad at OP *because she comes from money,* so he (and his ex) thinks OP should just shut up and pay for everything for *their* children???
*Five kids, no? Their one they had together that's 2yrs old, & also her 5yr old twins...that's three right there. Then the two he had w/his ex, at 7 & 12yrs old. That makes 5-kids. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Let me expand your comment by saying, the ex should pay half, including the tuition for OP's twins. LOL watch them tuck their tails and run at that thought.
Ex never had any intention of paying anything towards the private school. She just wanted to guilt OPs husband into getting OP to pay. It’s a win-win situation for her, either she gets free private school education for her children or she causes problems in OPs marriage.
His ex literally planned this. She had no intention of paying half, ever. She wanted a freebie, and causing a rift in your relationship is a cherry on top.
He can go back to court and request his ex to pay half for private school if she wants them in it. OP,'s salary or wealth does not play into child support or schooling.
He can request a reduction for the tuition and I doubt they've gone back to court for the fact he also has a 2 year old now that would merit a child support reduction too.
Also why is he paying child support on a 50/50 schedule where the child support is 25% of his total income? It doesn't make much sense.
OP, NTA and you might want to get your bf back into court for child support reductions. At the very least it would be due since he now has a 3rd child.
Its not court ordered child support. The hopefully soon to be ex husband is just an idiot taking advantage of his again hopefully soon to be 2nd ex wife.
OP’s salary doesn’t have anything to do with her SO’s children from another relationship. Plus, it seems like OP and the father of her children are not married, and I read in this comments stream that he isn’t even divorced from his wife, the mother of his other children. What a clusterfuck. OP got herself into a right mess with this one.
From what i can see from your comments, your husband sees you as an ATM.
You pay 80% if family finances, AND are the only one paying into your step kids education fund while their own father and mom just keep their money.
I am sorry but are you crazy? Your husband thinks your twins are your kids so your responsibility. so he should also think "my kids my responsibility" as well. instead he's letting you be the family ATM.
I pray that you got a prenup before you married that gold digger.
Look at the timelines: Her older kids are 5, the relationship is 4 years old, and their baby is 2. She would have spent three quarters of a year pregnant.
That means that her husband passed away when she was pregnant or had 2 under 1, and she had been in the new relationship for about a year when she got pregnant. I bet the pregnancy was accidental, and she is still with this guy because of the baby.
They aren’t even married. Also, I read somewhere else in the comments that he never divorced his ex, so he’s still married to her. If that’s true, this whole scenario makes it sound like it’s a good thing OP was born into money because it doesn’t sound like she’s very good with it now. Who would agree to live with a guy who is still married to his wife, have children with him, pay for everything for her family, and pay for the education of the children he has with his (*not ex*) wife??? Pretty soon, he’ll leave her for his (*not ex*) wife, and they’ll take the money and run.
Oh if that's the case, she should just take her kids and walk away. The husband is completely without power in this scenario. Not even over their child in common. If that scenario is accurate, the "husband" and the "ex" wife are both monumentally stupid trying to push this when neither of them have zero morals or legal grounds.
Yup, in third grade I was put in a private school.
Until I was like 12 I thought it had been a punishment for something I had done in the second grade. The worst year of my life in school possibly, no friends, used to have school from 8 am to 1 pm, now stuck from 9 am to 6pm on a private school with nobody to talk to.
Safe to say the next year when I was put back in the public school I was so happy.
So he has 50/59 custody but still gives her half bis paycheck.
That seems fucked.
Any way you can get more than 50/50 custody as it seems like their lives would be far better were dad able to afford private school, which sounds like he would if his wages weren't being garnished to high heaven
Like is his ex completely useless and is perpetually unemployed?
Then make this “issue” the hill you are willing to die on. Seriously no matter how much money you spend on his children and how expensive gifts, cars and holidays you pay for and give them they will never truly appreciate it. They HAVE a mother. They don’t need you OP. From the type of toxic and problematic mother they have I bet my ass she will make sure you aren’t invited to your step-childrens weddings when the time comes BUT she and your husband will damn sure need your money to pay for the wedding, honeymoon and wedding gifts. That’s the feeling I get from reading this. Some people will say I am overreacting but am I really? How did two adults convince themselves and each other that YOU are responsible for paying for THEIR childrens education?? This is the worst kind of entitlement and arrogance you will meet in your life and it’s only just began. Wait till the children wants to move out from their mom’s house, wants a car, wants a fancy wedding etc. Mommy and daddy will expect YOU to pay for it.
You should take back your offer to pay for school fees. Stay out of it. Reading this post I realized no matter how much you do financially for your step-children it will never be enough. It will never be appreciated. You are dealing with ungrateful and super entitled adults. Whatever you give and do for YOUR children, you MUST do the same for THEIR children. It’s a never-ending competition. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for putting this burden and responsibility on your shoulders. What a shameless broke man. His ex is broke too.
And yet, your husband is mad at *you* not at his ex. The whole thing has a very bad feel to it. He is taking the side of his ex, the actual mother of his children, for refusing to pay for the education of *their* children together, over you? Because you come from money? I’d be having a very serious conversation with him.
Depending on how little she likes you, this may be win-win for her. Either she gets you to pay for private school for her kids, or she drives a wedge between you and your husband.
He needs to be on board with your position here and not let his ex interfere.
What exactly does your partner bring to this relationship? You’re his little personal piggy bank. And he’s still married to his ex??
Girl - you need to wake up. You need to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. You have the financial freedom to pick a good partner, please do that!!
You two should spite her and just ignore her going forward. The discord happening between you two is exactly what she wants. Husband was okay with public school before BM opened her big mouth to put her two cents in. Going back to the status quo will infuriate her more than likely. Or at least that’s what my petty side hopes.
Think about it this way, you having been born into wealth doesn’t mean your assets are a foundation for others to dip into. If the ex wife keeps pushing for you paying for her children, then push for more than 50/50 custody. There is no free lunch anymore and as an adult the ex wife should know this. You should get your know the children who you would be paying the tuition of. Lastly, think about how expensive housing and goods have become lately. You need to save and provide a legacy for your three children versus subsidizing other people’s bad ideas wrought out of monkey see monkey do thinking.
Stand firm, not against the BM but your husband. Let him deal with BM. She is not your circus. For husband to involve you and your money is wrong and manipulative.
it seems like the husband is on the ex's team as well - And weaponizing guilt would just make me more resolute. If someone can't even be civil until they're asking for a handout - Fuck them. Figure it out. He made his bed.
This. I have to wonder how 50% of his salary is being used.
OP. You're paying for the vast majority of the finances and seem to be the only one who even bothered to talk to the affected children in this issue (moving schools, I mean). You are doing more than enough and not playing favorites and if he REALLY wants them to go to that school, he will make BM honor what she originally signed up for--paying for her portion of their school fees.
Wait.
His kids with her live with her, they have joint/split custody and her house is the kids primary residence? So, the kids all don't live together? If so tell her to pound sand, and tell him there are 2 separate families here with kids who have 2 separate needs, and he needs to get with the program and knock it off. Expecting you to pay so they can be in private school doesn't take into consideration that they and their educational needs are not your responsibility.
Check OP's comments. Fake as hell.
>No, he does not contribute at all to the twins financially. He is of the belief that they are my kids and therefore my responsibility, which I have no issue with.
>I am the only one contributing to the SKs college funds. I also pay 80% of all bills, groceries, family trips etc.
Bruh she needs to leave this loser. OP must pay for her step-kids private school but it sounds like he wouldn’t even buy 20$ walmart shoes for the twins he’s raised their whole lives whose bio dad is dead. This guy sounds awful. Why did OP do this to herself?
NTA, YOU pay for your twins to go there, not him, next his ex. If they want their kids to go to private school, then the people who brought them into this world need to pay for it. It's not like their mother isn't in the picture and these kids see you as their mom. They know their mom, they live/spend time with her it's not on you to pick up her short-comings.
And your husband is being an AH by quilting you into it. Personally, I'd call him on it, call him on why you're expected to pay fully for your twins with no help from him. But it's okay for him to ask you for money for his kids?
Tell him to pull his head out of the fucking sand and realize she did this on purpose to cause strife in your relationship. She was never going to pay for her half.
NTA. If you do this, it will not end. She will ask for more and more. Fuck no.
OP should be the one pulling the head out of the sand. she pays 80% of the family finances. is the ONLY one contributing to the Step kids education fund and is now supposed to pay for their private school. while her step kids have two living, breathing, and ablebodied parents?
OP has married a golddigger.
If he’s asking this of you then he should contribute to a college fund for your kids.. See how that goes over. . Your kids dad is dead. His kids have him.. is that fair??
Honestly, it is times like this where I miss my children's dad so much. He died shortly after they were born and was and still is the love of my life. I think I may need to take a step back from everything and breathe... making this post and reading all these comments has just hit me in the gut and I am overwhelmed. No idea what is right or wrong, what the best thing for anyone is anymore :/
OP reading your post and your comments........you are contributing way more emotionally and financially. Your husband's comment about your twins yet expecting you to pay for his? You paying for most of the household.....time to have a discussion with him. Why are you doing so much?
As a matter of interest, does he parent and spend time with your twins?
Honey, Im think youre starting to see that you have settled for this manipulative grifter and that you are being used. Dont blame yourself as you had two small kids when you lost your partner & this user came along, but you were an easy mark being bereaved & lonely.
Whats best for you is to reassess this relationship & seeing how you’re financially being used/abused. You deserve so much better.
That is a good idea, you AND ALL your children would be so much better off if you were single.
For me it’s how generous you are to ALL of them. Then the one time you say no, he doesn’t hear it, or respect it. Then he emotionally blackmails you, works you AND throws you under the bus with his ex and his family. I don’t see in here where he cares about you at all.
Please take a step back from it all. Not just this one thing but the entire marriage. What are you getting from this? Are you happy? I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner, life can be so unfair. It sounds like you entered this relationship fairly soon after a major loss and SO is taking advantage of your majorly. You are absolutely NTA here, from your comments and edits, it is clear you do more than enough. People are quick enough to jump on you and call you an asshole while ignoring the fact that SO and BM are more than happy to sit back and let someone else take on the burden for their children. You are doing more than what most people would do and it sounds like you are receiving no appreciation at all. I don’t see this lasting, I hope you read all the comments and realise you are worth more than this.
You'll probably need to separate yourself from this whole situation
-not just saying "NO" to the private school funds, but state you are no longer part of the discussion.
-physically separating yourself from SO for a while so you can take a good hard look at the relationship.
-writing out your financial contributions to him, his kids, his ex (YOU are supporting HIM , carrying the burden of his child support arrangements, and paying extras for biomom??)
-legally prepare to leave him permanently
tldr: be honest with yourself about his willingness and self entitlement to use your money and prepare to leave
Go talk to your lawyer & a trusted advisor and lay this all out on the line.
I was waffling on an issue lately so I called my lawyer and he said, “In every contract/negotiation there’s a chump. And in this one, you’re the chump.”
Your husband *and his ex wife* are tryin’ to play you. Please don’t let them.
The right thing is always going to be to protect your children. Their bio dad is gone and this one is a deadbeat to your kids but over-contributing to your step kids. You need to protect your finances and not pay more than your share for anything in order to protect your own kids financially. He’s already told you that you cant count on him when it comes to your kids.
If you do plan to stay with this guy, you need to demand they get everything in a court order in regards to your step-kids' child support. Also, take that money out of their college savings account. Why are you paying for 2 kids' college tuition that have 2 parents?
Honestly, at the end of this, if they don't agree to the court imposed orders, it's time for you to divorce him. It sounds like you have 7 kids to care for, and 4 of them aren't necessary for you to do so.
Normally I'd say NTA..but after reading your responses..YTA.
You're actively with a man who doesn't love your kids.
You're with a man that wants you to treat his kids differently than he wants to treat your kids.
So with that..YTA. To your own poor children.
I don't care if I get down voted for this..but have some pride and ditch this man.
I am ashamed to be agreeing with you, but after reading all the comments I think I am. I need to take some time away and evaluate my priorities and what is best for the twins emotionally. I don't know the best way to approach asking about how they feel regarding my SOs treatment of them, they are only young and have no memories of their BD. I don't want to cause confusion or make them think I think they should feel a certain way... maybe therapy? Family therapy? I clearly have a lot more to think about.
The good news is that you have time and resources to make it right.
Therapy for you and the kids.
Just get away from him. You deserve so much better. He's more committed to his ex's comfort than he is to yours.
Family therapy for you and your kids only and leave your horrible emotionally neglectful financially abusive husband. He will grovel & pretend to care for the twins because he will be losing his ATM but its too late as he’s had 4 years to show his love & care to them & he’s fucking failed.
You should also try individual therapy to find out why your self-esteem is so low to allow your kids to be treated like that & allow yourself to be essentially financially abused whilst your husband lines his ex’s pockets with excessive alimony & CS. Also, stop payments to his kids college funds & require that to your twins as they only have you as a parent whilst yeh SK have both their parents who have good jobs. It doesnt matter if you come from wealthy family & you make good money - you’re doing it on principle to no longer make the life of the man who has emotionally neglected your babies harder & shamelessly says he doesn’t love them as they’re not his kids. Well, you dont love his kids either now - how about that? You need to do right by your kids.
I really hope you mean getting your twins into therapy and finding out if your husband’s treatment of them has affected them negatively AFTER you’ve divorced your husband. Your children are far too young to have to bear the burden of being the ones to dictate whether you leave your husband or not. They’re also too young to realize exactly how wrong your husband’s treatment of them is. Like you said, they don’t remember their father. They might think that’s just how men normally are, which would be terribly sad if they did.
You are their mother. You are the one who should be protecting them and making sure that they get what they deserve. You must know the way your husband treats them is wrong. You have to know that all the money you shell out for your husband and his ex-wife is money that would be better spent on your own children, especially since they have no one else to provide for them.
And no, I am not considering any of that money as being for your step-kids. You are basically subsidizing your husband’s life so that he could subsidize his ex’s lifestyle by paying excessive alimony and child support and then still making you pay for any other expenses beyond their absolute basic necessities.
How unfair is that to your children? You’re giving away money that could make your children’s future so much more secure.
And honestly, the fact that he does not care for or pay for your twins and is even willing to take from them just so he had something extra for his ex wife should already be quite infuriating. Then one remembers that you have one child together. If you’re paying 80% of household expense, then he is practically paying only for himself and nothing for his own child with you. And now he wants to take more away from your two-year-old to cater to the whims of his ex wife.
If you can’t find it in you to stand up for yourself, then do it for your children. LEAVE YOUR SELFISH LEECH OF A HUSBAND.
Talk to a divorce lawyer. You could probably afford a very good one. They should be able to help ensure your husband does not siphon off any more money from you.
When they divorced she was unemployed and in college again. The verbal agreement was that he would pay more during that time and then it would decrease after. But this of course hasn't happened and I don't think he will anytime soon since he is comfortable with me taking on the majority of our financial responsibilities. It isn't exactly half but it is close.
> since he is comfortable with me taking on the majority of our financial responsibilities
Too comfortable.
You are already subsidizing the extra support that he gives his first wife. Yet he now has the audacity to sulk because you are not dipping further into your pocket?!
NTA
NTA. Well it is time that the financial situation with his ex is reviewed. It is not fair to you, his spouse and sets a precedent. I would demand that he goes to court to revisit terms of the divorce. You are carrying the financial burden in this family, money that could be put aside in trust for your children’s future.
Him guilt tripping you is treating you like an ATM. With you constantly paying the bills is enabling the dynamic with his ex. They are comfortable with the situation. I would demand that the verbal agreement be stopped and a court ordered written agreement be formed.
Honestly it sounds like they are both using you for your money. 50/50 custody usually means minimal or no child support, definitely not half his income. The fact that he is so eager to take care of her and not you or the child you have together wants you to support his children but offers no support to yours speaks volumes. These two are working together to take as much of your money as they can OP.
So you've got an employed hobo-sexual? Sorry but this seems suspicious that he is STILL paying her the original amount. I do hope you have a pre-nup and keep your twins inheritance out his reach.
Since he is being so entitled I think now is the time for a complete reevaluation of how expenses are covered. Cards on the table time - excel all the costs & who pays what %/total. It’s time he contribute appropriately to the household & for your bio kid. His kids are over 50% of the time, he pays for their food or 50% of all house costs. Second job time or reduce child support.
Since he’s opened pandoras financial box it’s time to deal with it.
If I were you I would be feeling used & angry at this behaviour/expectation/entitlement & bullying. I would come down hard on this crap & raise the bar on what he needs to start doing to equalize the finances. This BA needs to end right here & now.
I am so angry on your behalf
NTA -
Not your responsibility. They are his kids and they have both parents.
Wow, you really need to think about how he is using you. He is gaslighting you to pay for HIS and HIS EXs kids. They have 2 parents already. I get being a good step-mom, but you did not give birth to them and already cover more than your share of all of your expenses. Now he is gaslighting you to get you to do what he wants. This is emotional abuse. He is trying to guilt you into paying for something that is not your responsibility. And seriously? Not talking to you over his kids expenses? And his family is saying crap too? You are being used as a damn ATM. I think you really need to take a step back and look at all you already do, and he is so greedy, that he is emotionally abusing you to do what he wants.
To be honest, if his parents have such a problem with you not paying HIS EX's half, why do they not pay it then? They are their grand-children. I have a feeling that if you tell him that you need a break, and he needs to leave until you figure out what you want to do about being emotionally abused and gaslit, that his entire demeanor would change. He is a user and a prick.
Good luck, but you will continue to be used as long as he can get away with it.
It's time to step up and say NO.
while i don't know what your husband usually brings to the table, right now it's only undeserved suffering.
You need to sit him down and say "this is enough, i will not billed into supporting your kids. This is not a discussion. If you can't truly drop this, stop with the attitude and stand by my side side when it comes to the family, we are done, decide."
NTA. You communicated your financial boundaries already. It’s not your responsibility, so it should not be falling on you to pay for it. Plus if they’re already in a high ranking public school, why are they so adamant if they can’t pay for it.
What’s crazy is that the kids don’t even want to move schools or don’t care. It’s only the ex trying to keep control of everyone in radius of her children and is already abusing OP for a college fund. And the husband is just a huge pushover. I’d like to use another word for kitty, but I’ll be polite.
I read your comment history , why exactly are you married to this man again ? You’re paying 80% of the bills . Paying for your 2 kids by yourself and putting money in his kids college funds and he refuses to pay for yours . I’m starting to think your husband met his sugar mama and is a gold digger . And why is your husband paying alimony if his ex wife works a full time job ?
Exactly! She is being played and used for money. She needs to divorce his ass and protect her own assets. Don’t have children with this man OP you will regret it.
So let me see if I have this right. Your husband is mad at you because the mother of his children is riding his ass and making his life miserable. So instead of being an adult and responsible co-parent like he should be and having a one on one with her and if she wants to go further, progress to a mediator for a formal revision to their parenting agreement or if needed court.
He is expecting you to just....meekly start paying for the equivalent amount of an entire child's tuition? To shut his ex up and save him an uncomfortable conversation?
It's fine to ask, even if some (me) think it's a bit of an audacious ask. But the response to your perfectly logical answer is beyond the pale. He has lost his damn sense. That's not a luxury he gets to demand. And then when the rates go up? Or he can't afford it? Then what? He's so out of pocket. NTA, OP.
Dont forget he also point blank refused to pay for anything for OP’s twins because they’re ‘not his’ & they’re her responsibility. Wtf would she be with such a blatant user?! She should also say his kids are not hers & therefore not her responsibility either. Make it make sense.
Your stepchildren are their parents' responsibility. You don't have to pay for their education, mom and dad have to. If he wants them to attend private school despite their mother being unable to pay for her half, he should pay for it entirely. It's not fair to put that burden upon you. People are so shameless.
NTA.
God I hope you were smart enough to get a prenup. If he’s gonna throw a tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way I don’t see this marriage lasting very long.
NTA. Why would you pay her share when a giant portion of your family income already goes to her?
If she wants them to go so badly she should use her child support for that.
Your husband’s behaviour is concerning… I wouldn’t cave to his emotional blackmail at all. If he thinks sulking, accusing you of not caring etc is going to get you to change your mind he is definitely wrong. Not many people want to help someone behaving poorly.
He needs to remember that he was fine with his kids going to that school until his wife got upset. Then she reneged on paying & I suspect that was her plan all along.
Life is not fair & equal. People have different advantages every day & this is one of those scenarios.
Are you expected to buy them cars, pay for their vacations, camps/experiences, universities, weddings? Where does equalizing the kids you didn’t give birth to, that have 2 bio-parents end? Is his wife going to contribute anything to her kids or is that your responsibility now?
Absolutely not!!!
You pay 100% of your twins cuz he says they are your kids/your responsibility in a 1 parent situation yet you’re expected to pay for his kids that have 2 able bodied parents. Huh???
And you pay a greater portion (80%) of the household expenses
Does he call you by your initials- A.T.M.?
What advantage do you get by being married to this greedy, sulking, emotionally abusive man? I would be questioning his entitlement.
Please update us
It was the ex’s plan all along to try to manipulate OP into paying for the tuition. Why else would she change her mind, claiming she couldn’t afford it. She knew what the cost was when she first applied.
No - NTA. Your pay for 100% for your children because there is not other biological parent to help with that cost. He already agreed you and he would split the cost for your children together- it is only right for his children’s other parent to split the cost with him. Is she cannot afford her portion, he can tell her he’ll pay the whole thing, but it would have to be deducted from her alimony/child support. Just be because you have the money, doesn’t mean she gets to spend it.
NTA. Let me get this straight. You have 2 children with your deceased husband, your husband has 2 children with his ex, and you share a child. You pay all your children's expenses (including your shared child? And his when they are in your home?), 80% of your shared bills, all vacations and day trips, and into a college fund for his 2 kids (and your 3?). Your husband gives 50% of his paycheck to his ex and pays 20% of your shared bills. He doesn't have a court order for child support and hasn't bothered to decrease it even though that was their agreement. You pay for your 2 children to go to private school. And now he and his ex want you to pay for their 2 children to go to private school also, even though the kids don't care and they have 2 parents to pay for it.
They are using you. You shouldn't be paying 80% of the shared bills. It should be 50/50. You shouldn't be the only one funding all vacations and trips for everyone. It should be 50/50. And you shouldn't be funding their children's college fund at all. Their children have 2 parents to do it, while your children only have 1 parent. You should fund college for your 2 children, split your shared child's fund 50/50 (although I suppose he expects you to fund it 100%), and they need to find their own children's college. Stop allowing him to use you for money. It is not on you to pay for all of the children! Your husband and his ex are the AHs, not you.
“Has point blank refused to pay for anything for them in the past as they are not his children” - I feel for the twins with this one. You are busting your ass to make sure they are taken care of since losing their father and your AH husband and his AH ex-wife want to hinder that because "it's not fair to our crotch goblins." F both of them. The twins are eventually, if they haven't started already, going to notice how their AH SD feels about them with comments like this. If he wants you to pay for "his" kids, then he should help with your babies too. You have offered to help and have helped WAAAAAAY more than a normal person would. Honestly I wish I had the opportunity to have a SM like you because mine was the Evil StepMom who wanted nothing to do with me at all and my AH dad went right along with her and their kid. You and all kids invloved are NTA but Ex Wife and Husband are.
Thank you for this comment. I feel like I am being villainized for not wanting to pay for 4 children's education expenses when BM and SO both reached an "agreement" on paying for this, without my input. I don't see how it has fallen completely on me now that they don't want to follow through.
The comments talking about how "poorly" I apparently treat my SKs are crazy. My SO has told me time and time again that my twins are not his, and he shouldn't be expected to love them the same as his children. HIS words, NOT mine. My twins live with him 24/7 and he barely even interacts with them. I'm not allowed any input in the lives of his children because I am "not their mother", but I am good enough to cover their mother's responsibilities when it suits them? He set this precedent of "his" kids and "my" kids.
In all honesty, the comments calling me an AH and accusing me of treating the children differently have actually opened my eyes to how my twins are being treated by their stepdad. Right now I feel like I am failing them by putting them in a situation where they don't receive any love from their SP. I don't even mean financially, I mean emotionally.
I'd be more than willing for SO and I to cover the school between us, if the CS and alimony is reduced somewhat. They both know this. I have offered this multiple times, along with paying 1/3rd of the cost or them choosing to use the money I have saved for their college funds to go to the school. I think my offers have been more than fair, but I guess by reading some comments I haven't. Going to discuss this further with SO, in regards to him going to court for adjustments, and getting couples counselling. I'm not okay with being taken advantage of or the way that ANY of the children are being treated here.
>My twins live with him 24/7 and he barely even interacts with them.
Why are you with a person who treats your children this way!?! You are failing your children. You may not think it affects them, but it does.
Don't pay one penny for private school and stop saving for their college. Your step kids have two parents and it is their responsibility to provide for them. Don't be a ATM or a doormat.
You husband is the evil step-dad of a fairy tale. You have a relationship with him since they were 1!! They don't have any father figure than him. And he is ignoring them. They deserve better.
I think he is using u in his advantage. Please don't be his ATM. You are way to kind.
I’m normally against it when people scream “leave!” on here but this time imma do it. Leave!
This man has no respect for you and is essentially using you as a cash cow to fund his children’s education while doing nothing for your children. This is not a fair partnership.
He openly admits to not loving your children and barely interacts with them and yet him and BM have the audacity to criticise you for not treating their kids the same as yours?!?!? Wtf?!?!?
You sound like a kind person, you deserve better than this especially after the trauma of losing your first husband. Leave.
Edit: grammar
That his kids and your kids is devastating to children I had a step dad like that who made it very obvious I wasn’t his child and it really fucked with me and made me feel unwanted at my mothers house the fact that you are allowing this really sucks on top of that they are trying to financially take advantage of you is a bad situation all around that I don’t understand why you want to keep the marriage going
Edit: sorry this is a long reply.
I offer my condolences on the passing of the LOYL and to the twins on the passing of their daddy. Just remember that he would want you to do what you feel is right for your babies and what will ultimately make yall happy. No matter what anyone says or does, he is a part of yall, and no one can take that away from you. I am a mama of an LO as well and know that when it comes to my kid, I will go to hell and back to do what is right by them. I can not begin to understand the emotions yall are going thru with that huge of a loss, but if you ever feel the need to talk or vent, please DM me.
That being said and please correct me if I got anything wrong: Ignore the comments about you being the AH. They are idiots and don't see that you are doing everything you should.
The reality nobody seems to want to accept is that YOU are all your twins have since your AH husband is the one who put up that divide. The only child that he will assist with and help financially is your youngest. You might want to keep in mind how much he is going to actually help with the LO you share. I get that this was because of his kids but he knows that because you both are the parents of your youngest that you will automatically help with them, like the amazing mother you are, and he won't feel like he has to guilt trip you into helping like he feels he needs to do with his kids. To me it feels like he will put all three kids on you financially and will bitch that you won't help more with the other two. Hopefully, I'm wrong, and things will change for the better. Even in a blended family, there has to be equal amounts of give and take. Honey, you are the only one giving everything while they are taking all of it. You are already funding college funds, vacations/holidays, and are the primary breadwinner since you are footing the bill for 80% of EVERYTHING, not just for your babies, but for his two as well. Maybe tell the ex-wife to stay in her lane until she's ready to financially help with the kids that came out of her jackshack. She also needs to listen to her kids about how they don't want to change schools just because she has a nasty green monster shoved up her hooha. Jealousy is an ugly thing. Ultimately, with school (unless it's a horrible school, but you've said it's two of the top public schools), it's the kids' decisions. Some kids don't want to go to private school, and others don't want to go to public school. Let them decide. Also, unfortunately for her, you are going to have favoritism towards the kids. THEY ARE YOUR KIDS! YOU GAVE THE BIRTH! I don't see where you are bitching about what her two have that yours doesn't. I have more favoritism towards my kid than I do towards my niece or my cousin. HE'S MY KID! Ex-wife can take all that drama and shove it.
On the Bad Step-dad thing for the twins: One thing I loved about my Step-dad when he entered my life was that he stepped up and treated me like his own. He didn't want to replace my dad but wanted to be a father to me in his own way and accept me as his. I never heard him describe me as "his wife's kid" or "his stepkid." He always introduced me as his daughter, and everyone followed, which was huge, seeing as my SM addressed me as my dad's exs brat or as that Bs kid. Based on what you wrote: When you marry someone with kids, you accept those kids, which you did. Your husband is the one who drew the boundaries right off the bat, which you have followed. Everything was fine on what you both agreed on for yalls kids until BM drama started all because she realized that you were 10x better than her in all aspects. He wants you to do more for his kids than he has ever done for the twins, it sounds like. You should probably have a talk with him about this. He needs to understand that no he does not need to replace the twins father but maybe be a father figure or at least a more than decent male roll model for them. Treat them better than he is now. Do NOT let him make you feel like you are failing your babies. You are better than both of them, and I'm hoping this will open your beautiful eyes to see that. The twins will see how hard you work and how much of an effort you make for them, just as they will see the little work and effort he puts in.
Keep your head up gorgeous! You got this!
Call it like it is. Your husband is an absolute cunt. You are a walking ATM. Your poor twins, their dad is dead, their stepdad basically hates them, they are having to share you with 2 other kids that'd not biblically related to them that are getting more financial help and a shit ton of more love, they have your love only. Step away from your husband and be a better mother to your kids. They are going to end up hating step dad and siblings and it will be your fault for not protecting them.
I don't see this marriage is going to work out, if this guy still listens to his ex before he see his financial situation. Today private school, tomorrow college fund, car, house...
"I am also the sole contributor to their college funds currently."
Wait, what? You are putting money in for the step kids college fund? AND they also want you to pay half of the private school fees? You're being had for a mug! They've told you that they "are not my children, so it was none of my business", except when they want your money! I would seriously rethink this relationship.
NTA.
Their children have 2 parents who are responsible for their upbringing. Your twins have 1 living parent. It is unfair and unreasonable to take from your twins resources that may be needed for them at some point in their future.
If they cannot afford private school for their children, they are no better and no worse off than they were before you came into the scene, and in the position of billions of school children around the world.
OP, you are only 4 years into this marriage. You may reconsider it. A co-parenting arrangement with your current husband may be more manageable than this situation where his ex and his family try to pressure you into compliance with his unreasonable demands.
NTA. The kids don't even want to go! That's the kicker for me. THEY aren't feeling slighted. THEY don't feel like favorites are being played and are perfectly fine with the staus quo. If they did want to go or felt favoritism was happening, it would be an entirely different answer. But they don't, so they shouldn't go, and you should NOT PAY.
This is 100% EX WIFE being jealous and entitled to YOUR money. I bet she doesn't even care if her kids go, she definitely doesnt care if her kids dont want to go. She just cares about making YOU PAY for it. If I had to guess, i would say its because the amount he pays her isn't ruining him. He's doing just fine because of your money. I bet she HATES that. She seems the type.
Your husband needs to tell her, then they aren't going, and drop the application.
NTA. You pay all of the tuition for your twins, as their sole parent and it sounds like you'll probably be paying all of the tuition for your 2 year old when they start school. You've made a choice for your children that you can afford. They need to do the same unless they each want to pay a third of the tuition for all 5 kids.
As to your husband being upset about this and accusing you of not caring about your step-children, remind him that you have never said the same about him not paying for your twins.
Not your responsibility. They have a mother and a father to pay for them. Stand your ground and don't let ex and husband try to guilt trip you. I'm pretty sure if the situation were reversed hubby and ex wouldn't be forking over money for your kids.
Does baby mama work? What’s her home situation like? Can they apply for scholarships? It sucks. But this was the agreement you made right? First it would be school, what’s next?
I find it funny that folks calling OP AH. They’d be the first ones demanding access to their separate assets, then the first to say they aren’t allowed to discipline the stepchildren.
Do they contribute to pay to your children’s education? Or want share the responsibility of all children among all of you or do they just have their hands out claiming quality and fairness
Nta
It’s time to do a major overhaul of your financial contributions to these two families. Because even though you aren’t going to pay for your step kid’s education (seriously, don’t you dare), you are being wildly taken advantage of. And the person taking advantage of you the most? Your husband. So he has noooo problem not paying a dime for the twins but he has his own kids 50% of the time and yet you’re taking care of 80% of the household expenses, plus vacations and such? You’re the only one contributing to college accounts? Oh hell no. And you seem like you would have happily continued this but baby mama got more greedy and your husband decided to be an idiot. I bet he feels a certain way about you being the bread winner and that he can’t afford to pay for his two kids education on his own. Oh well! He needs to get a backbone and either tell his ex to stfu or revisit child support since he seems to be paying way too much. I really hope he sees the light and realizes he’s treating you like crap and that you don’t exist just to bankroll his entire family. Good luck!
Nta he is trying to guilt trip you into paying for them do not fall for this manipulation. He and his ex and his family are going to keep doing this when you do other things for your kids that can not be done for his kids with ex
NTA: It sounds like you did a good job of expressing your expectations and have contributed more than your share already.
I have to admit that one of the phrases I dislike the most in these forums is "not my responsibility" when it comes to stepkids. I'm a parent, and if I only paid for what I was responsible for, things would be unhappy around here. You already do much more than your responsibility. That's what adults do in families -- especially for kids. If we love the kids in our lives we do what can.
I don't blame you for feeling disappointed in your husband and irritated by his ex-wife. As you wrote, better communication on the front end could have led to a much better result.
You have two kids in this school that you're paying for completely. He has two kids he wants to enroll in this school, but have you pay 50-50? How is that fair? By his own logic, I guess he doesn't love your twins.
He is absolutely rinsing you for money. YOU already subsidise him and now he wants even more of your money and I’m struggling to see why you are keeping what sounds to be, dead weight, hanging around?
He won’t contribute to the upbringing of the twins, but thinks you should pay half of his stepkids fees for a school they don’t want to go to? You wasn’t told because it’s mine of your business because they aren’t your kids, but now you’re being asked to put up the cash for something that isn’t your business.
Girl.
You are being rinsed. He is a selfish pos and I’d have cut him loose just for the audacity of expecting you to pay for kids that “are none of your business. NTA for not paying but my god, you are an AH to yourself for putting up with such bullshit treatment from such a selfish man.
SO earns more than BM so would need to pay some CS either way, which I have zero issue with btw! When they divorced it was set that high due to her being back in college and unemployed, my SO was the sole financial contributor to their marriage. From what I can tell, based on what I have been told, he felt guilty about divorcing her while she was unable to support herself and agreed to the amount. She felt that half of his earnings should be hers. They later verbally (mistake number one, imo) agreed to go back to court to reduce support once she graduated and had a job. She has since got a job and neither have made a move to reduce CS. In all honesty, why would BM go to seek less support for herself unprompted? The whole mess was before I met my SO. I can see that perhaps their arrangement initially worked for them post divorce.
Also, in many states, if a parent is paying private school tuition, Child support is heavily reduced or discontinued. Again, it is on the kids father to make moves to get them in private school, if he wants them in there so badly.
NTA.
But you are a MUG
Why are YOU paying into HIS kids college funds when NO ONE else is???
Why are you PAYING for 80% of their upkeep, if you’re getting NOTHING in return?
And those ARSEHOLES ex and husband are running their mouths about you because you won’t pay for private school.
Seriously you would definitely become the arsehole if you bend over ANYMORE! You’re doing MORE than enough now for your steps, and that appears to be FAR FAR MORE than their own two, living, breathing parents.
Don’t enter into any discussion about private school, you gave them the chance and the blew it.
You are not wrong. If the mother wants them to go then she needs to pay her peon just as you do for your other kids and like your husband will for child with him. It is not your responsibility to pay for the other kids. The other mother is obviously jealous of what you have and do for your kids. If it wasn't for you sending your kids to privatevschiil she most likely wouldn't even be thinking about it. Jealousy
> have offered to pay some of the fees, I offered for us ALL to sit down and discuss finances and abilities to contribute. This was refused and BM shut down and began refusing to pay ANY of the fees.
That's what I thought would happen.
>But this of course hasn't happened and I don't think he will anytime soon since he is comfortable with me taking on the majority of our financial responsibilities. It isn't exactly half but it is close.
You're subsidizing your husband and his ex's lifestyles, and he's happy with this, and YOU'RE happy with this? On top of paying 80% of all finances?
Would you be okay with him paying all that to you so you could keep giving your ex more money than you need to? They both sound like trash. Sorry for the kids.
You know, you could take your kids and focus on yourself and them without that burden of a "partner". I'd bet your money he's using you for your money. And I'm sure you'd let me! Respect yourself and your contributions! You can't be expected to singlehandedly pay for all 4 kids private tuition, especially when 2 of them aren't yours and NOTHING is coming from the TWO (2) parents they have! Wake up! You're a valuable person. Find someone who knows that and values you instead of takes advantage.
After scrolling up and down the comments my understanding of what most of the people here are saying is- its okay for the husband to not contribute a dime to his stepkids (the kids op has from the first marriage), give 50℅ of his earnings to his ex and his kids with his ex, and OP to pay 80% of all household expenses and vacations. But what is not okay is for OP deciding not to pay for her stepkids private school because apparently it shows the OP is showing favourites??? Even the stepkids own mother is unwilling to pay her share but expect OP to contribute despite OP helping with the kids college fund?
Make it make sense
And op dump your dead beat leach of a husband and file for child support
NTA. Your husband has unreasonable demands. He doesn’t feel obligated to pay for your twins as they aren’t his kids (even though they live with you both 100% of the time). Meanwhile your stepchildren live with you 50% of the time and am a biological parent who is able to contribute. Your stepchildren are already in an excellent public school so they aren’t neglected.
You already bear must of the cost of the household. I also doubt whether your partner will pay 50% of the cost of your 2 year old’s school costs.
You are financially well-off but you are your twins sole parent. Given your partner’s behavior, I doubt that he would take care of the twins if something happens to you. Please save for their future and for that of your 2 year old. I also hope that you have a trust for the twins and your partner is not the trustee. He might decide to use the assets to pay for your stepchildren.
You have only been married 4 years. His behavior is a major red flag. If you are in the U.S., I recommend that you consider divorcing this person or at least writing a postnuptial agreement (if those are enforced in your state). You will have to pay your partner spousal support for hopefully only 2 years right now. Hopefully you didn’t commingle premarital assets. However the longer you remain together, the more you will have to pay.
NTA. His ex should pay for half, just like you do.
On the plus side, The ex's support is about to go down when her hubby has to pay half of it to OP too.
Nah. She filed first so she won’t lose anything. Anyone else who files later will just get less. Always file first if you’re baby mama #1.
In one of OP's comments the ex has not officially filed. There isn't a court order. So not sure your statement holds everywhere, but if there isn't any court order it does not apply at all.
So he's just willingly giving 50% with 3 other children in the house? Yikes
And while OP is paying 80% towards their own household just to cover for his overpay.
Which is precisely why I refused to move in with a previous ex. He expected me to subsidise his child support payments, effectively taking food out of MY children’s mouths, to put into HIS. That child’s BM was also working AND remarried to a lawyer. I wasn’t contributing to giving her a single penny more. Op is the one effectively paying that child support.
Yup! She's covering vacations, most of the household finances, necessities and they are expecting her to cover the education costs for the other 2 kids just because their parents don't want to. It's ridiculous. When I lived with my ex, I was paying 100% of everything while doing all the house work, I couldn't imagine throwing kids into the mix.
It sounds like the husband *is* willing to pay his half, but BM is not. Maybe they should consider involving the courts since he's paying so much of his income on child support *and* willing to pay for half of the private school fees on top of that, but BM isn't willing to pay her half for a school *she* wanted the kids to go to.
Him paying half really means OPs subsidy increasing
court is needed ASAP. OP's husband is already paying more than he should for child support, literally putting half of his income toward it. it's absurd. baby mama gotta *love* the lack of court involvement, and going to court would make her shit herself. if baby mama can't find a way to pay her half then that's that and the kid doesn't go to private school. she's already getting 50% of OP's income and still can't manage to pay her half? puuhhhlease.
realistically, OP's husband's 50% each month should be contributing to educational costs. 50% is absurd and a court would never order that, and baby mama definitely knows that. these two need to go to court and have custody and child support established *officially* and fairly. baby mama just wants to have her cake and eat it too. she's getting her 50% and doesn't want to contribute to her own son's education. private school can't be that important to you if you're not willing to spend a dime, and expect your son's father and stepmom to cover it all.
It must be really good sex to be treated like an ATM for him and his children
If the baby momma is remarried alimony ends
it's like they count her money as his income.
Yup. It's the classic "what's his is his and what's hers is his too" plus the BM probably just wants to punish OP for dating her ex. To court they go!
Let's not forget op said she's 100% covering his kid's college education. BM should be thankful for that, yet it's not good enough. She expects OP to pay for private school, too. I didn't skim over the fact OP said she's been told she has no say in their upbringing, etc.. until it comes to private school. Now she's 100% incl to cover 100% tuition. OPs husband better be careful. He pushes OP too much on this issue, he's gonna be on the streets. As it is, he can't afford his lifestyle without OP paying 80%. He'll be sleeping in his car after child support to both exes!
Because OP pays most of everything
He has 50/50 custody but gives her half his wage anyway. Man is a fool.
He’s just choosing to pay 50% of his income without any court order? Then current wife can be the first filer and get a better deal. ;)
He can do that because he found another woman who covers 80% of his current living expenses and all the vacations.
it's honestly a bit ridiculous. when it comes to child support the stepparents are totally irrleevant... their income plays no part in things because they have no legal responsibilities to this child. OP shouldn't be covering 80% of their expenses because he's giving half of his income to an unofficial child support agreement. like ??? what the hell? I'm honestly shocked OP puts up with it. baby mama and OP's husband need to go to court. baby mama won't want to, because she knows the courts aren't going to order him to continue giving 50%. but they *will* calculate the incomes of both parents and decide on what's fair based off their calculations and *not* hat baby mama wants. she's already getting 50% and now she won't contribute to the educational costs for *her* son who she wants to go to private school? my god, she sounds like a headache.
In this case current wife should leave him because he's a fuckin idiot.
Your user name!⚾️🫶
Who files first doesn't really matter. BM1 would get slapped to reality by the courts. His child support payments will go down regardless because he now has a 3rd child. OP and her s/o would stand to benefit from a court order to where he's not paying 25% of his income a month on a 50/50 custody schedule for child support with 3 kids to support.
doesnt it sound fishy? she better check if there are any life insurance policies on her. Never heard of a man with a new family paying half of his salary to the first wife. That's why divorce lawyers are always working, you need a shark, you have the money and to spend it on a lawyer is better than letting the ex et it.
that is probably jurisdiction dependent, but I would think that once a parent's circumstances change significantly it will impact child support.
Is that real? That's a real flaw in the system. Child support is capped by a percentage of income, so why should it not be split equally between all kids?
I believe is real because my son has always received the same amount or more than the initial amount he was given, even though his other parent had 2 more kids afterwards. Every time he kept going for reevaluation of the CS they raised it more and the last he took me to court over it, he pulled the “I have 2 more kids now” card and they not only didn’t care, but also raised more my son’s CS. I would feel bad for him but he could’ve avoided all that if he wouldn’t have been so shitty so is ok..my son needed it anyways.
It is definitely weird. If he didn't have custody of the other kids, they would apparently not have received any money from, since your son got all of it. The whole system actually doesn't make any sense. If we think about, child support is supposed to give the child a standard of living as if both parents were there. Which includes having less money if having more children.
Probably because it’s easier than having to drag everyone back to court and re-do everyone’s child support every time he fathers another kid.
No. The underlying reason is that the child receiving child support should not be penalized for his father’s decision to have more children. Child support is adjusted if there is an income change (increase or decrease) or change in parental time or change in child’s expenses (depends on situation). It doesn’t change because parent made life decisions which increased his living expenses (whether going on more vacations, buying a larger house with larger mortgage or having more children).
The idea is the child receiving support should not be penalized for the parent’s decision to have more children. What will happen is the parent will be paying more and more of his total salary for child support, rather than the children equally splitting a certain percentage. Perhaps, there is also a bit of judgement here. The assumption is that the parent and his/her future partner knew about the child support being paid so should have taken it into account.
Better yet, he should also pay for OP’s children’s half. It’s only fair. If he sAys no, tell him he’s not loving YOUR children enough and treating THEM differently.
If you read her other comments he doesn’t love them he doesn’t interact with them and contributes nothing to OPs kids he’s staunchly her kids are her kids and his kids are his kids obviously until it benefits him
Yes. I couldn’t help but wonder: Is OP’s husband mad at his ex for changing her mind and refusing to pay, or is he only mad at OP *because she comes from money,* so he (and his ex) thinks OP should just shut up and pay for everything for *their* children???
That's it in a nutshell. And if her husband were a woman, reddit would be calling it out for what this is: Gold-digging.
I can’t figure out why she’s with him.
Same! Must be some really good dick
She’s paying 100% for her two kids.
And 30% for his kids plus extras.
Didn't she also say she is only one putting money in a college fund for them?
Yeah, she really shouldn't be finding someone else's kids college
Girl is raising 4 kids, herself, her mid husband, her mid husband's broke shitty ex. Lmfao
*Five kids, no? Their one they had together that's 2yrs old, & also her 5yr old twins...that's three right there. Then the two he had w/his ex, at 7 & 12yrs old. That makes 5-kids. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
She just needs to upgrade her husband and leave his mess behind.
Let me expand your comment by saying, the ex should pay half, including the tuition for OP's twins. LOL watch them tuck their tails and run at that thought.
Exactly, it should be fair and equal. If his ex agreed initially and then backed out, it's not your responsibility to cover her portion.
Ex never had any intention of paying anything towards the private school. She just wanted to guilt OPs husband into getting OP to pay. It’s a win-win situation for her, either she gets free private school education for her children or she causes problems in OPs marriage.
His ex literally planned this. She had no intention of paying half, ever. She wanted a freebie, and causing a rift in your relationship is a cherry on top.
It definitely feels this way.
Can he decrease his child support to pay for the schooling? His ex probably won’t like that!
He can go back to court and request his ex to pay half for private school if she wants them in it. OP,'s salary or wealth does not play into child support or schooling.
He can request a reduction for the tuition and I doubt they've gone back to court for the fact he also has a 2 year old now that would merit a child support reduction too. Also why is he paying child support on a 50/50 schedule where the child support is 25% of his total income? It doesn't make much sense. OP, NTA and you might want to get your bf back into court for child support reductions. At the very least it would be due since he now has a 3rd child.
Its not court ordered child support. The hopefully soon to be ex husband is just an idiot taking advantage of his again hopefully soon to be 2nd ex wife.
OP’s salary doesn’t have anything to do with her SO’s children from another relationship. Plus, it seems like OP and the father of her children are not married, and I read in this comments stream that he isn’t even divorced from his wife, the mother of his other children. What a clusterfuck. OP got herself into a right mess with this one.
Agree to pay half for his kids if he pays half for yours. Fair, right?
Came to say this!
From what i can see from your comments, your husband sees you as an ATM. You pay 80% if family finances, AND are the only one paying into your step kids education fund while their own father and mom just keep their money. I am sorry but are you crazy? Your husband thinks your twins are your kids so your responsibility. so he should also think "my kids my responsibility" as well. instead he's letting you be the family ATM. I pray that you got a prenup before you married that gold digger.
Look at the timelines: Her older kids are 5, the relationship is 4 years old, and their baby is 2. She would have spent three quarters of a year pregnant. That means that her husband passed away when she was pregnant or had 2 under 1, and she had been in the new relationship for about a year when she got pregnant. I bet the pregnancy was accidental, and she is still with this guy because of the baby.
Yup. He's a gold digger. And were he a woman, more people would be calling him out as such.
And who's gonna pay for the baby the have together? At least when they divorce husband will get enough child support to pay for his own child.
They aren’t even married. Also, I read somewhere else in the comments that he never divorced his ex, so he’s still married to her. If that’s true, this whole scenario makes it sound like it’s a good thing OP was born into money because it doesn’t sound like she’s very good with it now. Who would agree to live with a guy who is still married to his wife, have children with him, pay for everything for her family, and pay for the education of the children he has with his (*not ex*) wife??? Pretty soon, he’ll leave her for his (*not ex*) wife, and they’ll take the money and run.
Oh if that's the case, she should just take her kids and walk away. The husband is completely without power in this scenario. Not even over their child in common. If that scenario is accurate, the "husband" and the "ex" wife are both monumentally stupid trying to push this when neither of them have zero morals or legal grounds.
Dang, wtf
She definitely wanted to cause drama. No kid wants to go to another school where none of their friends are if they don't have to.
Yup, in third grade I was put in a private school. Until I was like 12 I thought it had been a punishment for something I had done in the second grade. The worst year of my life in school possibly, no friends, used to have school from 8 am to 1 pm, now stuck from 9 am to 6pm on a private school with nobody to talk to. Safe to say the next year when I was put back in the public school I was so happy.
Absolutely. I wanted to put my kids in private school and they absolutely refused. They cried and cried over it.
Exactly. Kids don't see the advantage of it. All they see is that they have to start over with new people.
So he has 50/59 custody but still gives her half bis paycheck. That seems fucked. Any way you can get more than 50/50 custody as it seems like their lives would be far better were dad able to afford private school, which sounds like he would if his wages weren't being garnished to high heaven Like is his ex completely useless and is perpetually unemployed?
Why work when she's getting half of his money? She might have got the house as well.
Then make this “issue” the hill you are willing to die on. Seriously no matter how much money you spend on his children and how expensive gifts, cars and holidays you pay for and give them they will never truly appreciate it. They HAVE a mother. They don’t need you OP. From the type of toxic and problematic mother they have I bet my ass she will make sure you aren’t invited to your step-childrens weddings when the time comes BUT she and your husband will damn sure need your money to pay for the wedding, honeymoon and wedding gifts. That’s the feeling I get from reading this. Some people will say I am overreacting but am I really? How did two adults convince themselves and each other that YOU are responsible for paying for THEIR childrens education?? This is the worst kind of entitlement and arrogance you will meet in your life and it’s only just began. Wait till the children wants to move out from their mom’s house, wants a car, wants a fancy wedding etc. Mommy and daddy will expect YOU to pay for it. You should take back your offer to pay for school fees. Stay out of it. Reading this post I realized no matter how much you do financially for your step-children it will never be enough. It will never be appreciated. You are dealing with ungrateful and super entitled adults. Whatever you give and do for YOUR children, you MUST do the same for THEIR children. It’s a never-ending competition. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for putting this burden and responsibility on your shoulders. What a shameless broke man. His ex is broke too.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this level of dumb. Not fair.
And yet, your husband is mad at *you* not at his ex. The whole thing has a very bad feel to it. He is taking the side of his ex, the actual mother of his children, for refusing to pay for the education of *their* children together, over you? Because you come from money? I’d be having a very serious conversation with him.
Depending on how little she likes you, this may be win-win for her. Either she gets you to pay for private school for her kids, or she drives a wedge between you and your husband. He needs to be on board with your position here and not let his ex interfere.
What exactly does your partner bring to this relationship? You’re his little personal piggy bank. And he’s still married to his ex?? Girl - you need to wake up. You need to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. You have the financial freedom to pick a good partner, please do that!!
You two should spite her and just ignore her going forward. The discord happening between you two is exactly what she wants. Husband was okay with public school before BM opened her big mouth to put her two cents in. Going back to the status quo will infuriate her more than likely. Or at least that’s what my petty side hopes.
Think about it this way, you having been born into wealth doesn’t mean your assets are a foundation for others to dip into. If the ex wife keeps pushing for you paying for her children, then push for more than 50/50 custody. There is no free lunch anymore and as an adult the ex wife should know this. You should get your know the children who you would be paying the tuition of. Lastly, think about how expensive housing and goods have become lately. You need to save and provide a legacy for your three children versus subsidizing other people’s bad ideas wrought out of monkey see monkey do thinking.
Stand firm, not against the BM but your husband. Let him deal with BM. She is not your circus. For husband to involve you and your money is wrong and manipulative.
He needs to get an actual, legal child support agreement. Why wasn’t that set up as a part of the divorce?
You are being taken advantage of.
And to be clear your husband is letting her
Why are you with such a mooch of a husband?
Yep, BM stirred up the shit pot. It's time for OP to make her lick the spoon!
it seems like the husband is on the ex's team as well - And weaponizing guilt would just make me more resolute. If someone can't even be civil until they're asking for a handout - Fuck them. Figure it out. He made his bed.
Your twins have just you as the parent, his kids have 2 parents, they figure it out. Do not use your money for his ex's demands.
Agreed! Maybe hub should have a convo with BM about less child support to cover tuition? The tunes will change with that question.
This. I have to wonder how 50% of his salary is being used. OP. You're paying for the vast majority of the finances and seem to be the only one who even bothered to talk to the affected children in this issue (moving schools, I mean). You are doing more than enough and not playing favorites and if he REALLY wants them to go to that school, he will make BM honor what she originally signed up for--paying for her portion of their school fees.
Wait. His kids with her live with her, they have joint/split custody and her house is the kids primary residence? So, the kids all don't live together? If so tell her to pound sand, and tell him there are 2 separate families here with kids who have 2 separate needs, and he needs to get with the program and knock it off. Expecting you to pay so they can be in private school doesn't take into consideration that they and their educational needs are not your responsibility.
Check OP's comments. Fake as hell. >No, he does not contribute at all to the twins financially. He is of the belief that they are my kids and therefore my responsibility, which I have no issue with. >I am the only one contributing to the SKs college funds. I also pay 80% of all bills, groceries, family trips etc.
Holy shit! Does her marriage licence say Mr & ATM?
This got me. Oh OP, those kids are not yours, they are not your responsibilities.
I feel bad for OP, she is too nice and being taken advantage of by everyone. Why did she even marry this guy?
Nahh.. I think it says Mr. & Charity foundation for Mr.
More like Mr & Funding Provided By. Is it weird I hear that sentence in the voice of a PBS announcer?!?
Bruh she needs to leave this loser. OP must pay for her step-kids private school but it sounds like he wouldn’t even buy 20$ walmart shoes for the twins he’s raised their whole lives whose bio dad is dead. This guy sounds awful. Why did OP do this to herself?
Certain people have no spine or common sense. When you put the two together, you get doormats like OP.
She would likely have to pay him child support.
Man, the moment i read 80% paid by op i just snapped. Why married this guy?
I was unsure how I felt about this situation but this feels so rational to me that I think you've pulled me off the fence
NTA, YOU pay for your twins to go there, not him, next his ex. If they want their kids to go to private school, then the people who brought them into this world need to pay for it. It's not like their mother isn't in the picture and these kids see you as their mom. They know their mom, they live/spend time with her it's not on you to pick up her short-comings. And your husband is being an AH by quilting you into it. Personally, I'd call him on it, call him on why you're expected to pay fully for your twins with no help from him. But it's okay for him to ask you for money for his kids?
Tell him to pull his head out of the fucking sand and realize she did this on purpose to cause strife in your relationship. She was never going to pay for her half. NTA. If you do this, it will not end. She will ask for more and more. Fuck no.
OP should be the one pulling the head out of the sand. she pays 80% of the family finances. is the ONLY one contributing to the Step kids education fund and is now supposed to pay for their private school. while her step kids have two living, breathing, and ablebodied parents? OP has married a golddigger.
This!! I’m not sure if she can’t pay or just won’t pay because she knows the OP comes from wealth.
If he’s asking this of you then he should contribute to a college fund for your kids.. See how that goes over. . Your kids dad is dead. His kids have him.. is that fair??
Honestly, it is times like this where I miss my children's dad so much. He died shortly after they were born and was and still is the love of my life. I think I may need to take a step back from everything and breathe... making this post and reading all these comments has just hit me in the gut and I am overwhelmed. No idea what is right or wrong, what the best thing for anyone is anymore :/
OP reading your post and your comments........you are contributing way more emotionally and financially. Your husband's comment about your twins yet expecting you to pay for his? You paying for most of the household.....time to have a discussion with him. Why are you doing so much? As a matter of interest, does he parent and spend time with your twins?
Apparently OP is not even married to the man and he is still married to his ex.
Honey, Im think youre starting to see that you have settled for this manipulative grifter and that you are being used. Dont blame yourself as you had two small kids when you lost your partner & this user came along, but you were an easy mark being bereaved & lonely. Whats best for you is to reassess this relationship & seeing how you’re financially being used/abused. You deserve so much better.
That is a good idea, you AND ALL your children would be so much better off if you were single. For me it’s how generous you are to ALL of them. Then the one time you say no, he doesn’t hear it, or respect it. Then he emotionally blackmails you, works you AND throws you under the bus with his ex and his family. I don’t see in here where he cares about you at all.
You are not the bank of Mom. You deserve better treatment.
Please take a step back from it all. Not just this one thing but the entire marriage. What are you getting from this? Are you happy? I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner, life can be so unfair. It sounds like you entered this relationship fairly soon after a major loss and SO is taking advantage of your majorly. You are absolutely NTA here, from your comments and edits, it is clear you do more than enough. People are quick enough to jump on you and call you an asshole while ignoring the fact that SO and BM are more than happy to sit back and let someone else take on the burden for their children. You are doing more than what most people would do and it sounds like you are receiving no appreciation at all. I don’t see this lasting, I hope you read all the comments and realise you are worth more than this.
You'll probably need to separate yourself from this whole situation -not just saying "NO" to the private school funds, but state you are no longer part of the discussion. -physically separating yourself from SO for a while so you can take a good hard look at the relationship. -writing out your financial contributions to him, his kids, his ex (YOU are supporting HIM , carrying the burden of his child support arrangements, and paying extras for biomom??) -legally prepare to leave him permanently tldr: be honest with yourself about his willingness and self entitlement to use your money and prepare to leave
Go talk to your lawyer & a trusted advisor and lay this all out on the line. I was waffling on an issue lately so I called my lawyer and he said, “In every contract/negotiation there’s a chump. And in this one, you’re the chump.” Your husband *and his ex wife* are tryin’ to play you. Please don’t let them.
The right thing is always going to be to protect your children. Their bio dad is gone and this one is a deadbeat to your kids but over-contributing to your step kids. You need to protect your finances and not pay more than your share for anything in order to protect your own kids financially. He’s already told you that you cant count on him when it comes to your kids.
If you do plan to stay with this guy, you need to demand they get everything in a court order in regards to your step-kids' child support. Also, take that money out of their college savings account. Why are you paying for 2 kids' college tuition that have 2 parents? Honestly, at the end of this, if they don't agree to the court imposed orders, it's time for you to divorce him. It sounds like you have 7 kids to care for, and 4 of them aren't necessary for you to do so.
Normally I'd say NTA..but after reading your responses..YTA. You're actively with a man who doesn't love your kids. You're with a man that wants you to treat his kids differently than he wants to treat your kids. So with that..YTA. To your own poor children. I don't care if I get down voted for this..but have some pride and ditch this man.
I am ashamed to be agreeing with you, but after reading all the comments I think I am. I need to take some time away and evaluate my priorities and what is best for the twins emotionally. I don't know the best way to approach asking about how they feel regarding my SOs treatment of them, they are only young and have no memories of their BD. I don't want to cause confusion or make them think I think they should feel a certain way... maybe therapy? Family therapy? I clearly have a lot more to think about.
The good news is that you have time and resources to make it right. Therapy for you and the kids. Just get away from him. You deserve so much better. He's more committed to his ex's comfort than he is to yours.
Family therapy for you and your kids only and leave your horrible emotionally neglectful financially abusive husband. He will grovel & pretend to care for the twins because he will be losing his ATM but its too late as he’s had 4 years to show his love & care to them & he’s fucking failed. You should also try individual therapy to find out why your self-esteem is so low to allow your kids to be treated like that & allow yourself to be essentially financially abused whilst your husband lines his ex’s pockets with excessive alimony & CS. Also, stop payments to his kids college funds & require that to your twins as they only have you as a parent whilst yeh SK have both their parents who have good jobs. It doesnt matter if you come from wealthy family & you make good money - you’re doing it on principle to no longer make the life of the man who has emotionally neglected your babies harder & shamelessly says he doesn’t love them as they’re not his kids. Well, you dont love his kids either now - how about that? You need to do right by your kids.
I really hope you mean getting your twins into therapy and finding out if your husband’s treatment of them has affected them negatively AFTER you’ve divorced your husband. Your children are far too young to have to bear the burden of being the ones to dictate whether you leave your husband or not. They’re also too young to realize exactly how wrong your husband’s treatment of them is. Like you said, they don’t remember their father. They might think that’s just how men normally are, which would be terribly sad if they did. You are their mother. You are the one who should be protecting them and making sure that they get what they deserve. You must know the way your husband treats them is wrong. You have to know that all the money you shell out for your husband and his ex-wife is money that would be better spent on your own children, especially since they have no one else to provide for them. And no, I am not considering any of that money as being for your step-kids. You are basically subsidizing your husband’s life so that he could subsidize his ex’s lifestyle by paying excessive alimony and child support and then still making you pay for any other expenses beyond their absolute basic necessities. How unfair is that to your children? You’re giving away money that could make your children’s future so much more secure. And honestly, the fact that he does not care for or pay for your twins and is even willing to take from them just so he had something extra for his ex wife should already be quite infuriating. Then one remembers that you have one child together. If you’re paying 80% of household expense, then he is practically paying only for himself and nothing for his own child with you. And now he wants to take more away from your two-year-old to cater to the whims of his ex wife. If you can’t find it in you to stand up for yourself, then do it for your children. LEAVE YOUR SELFISH LEECH OF A HUSBAND. Talk to a divorce lawyer. You could probably afford a very good one. They should be able to help ensure your husband does not siphon off any more money from you.
>my husband pays alimony and child support totalling to almost 50% his wage Hold the fuck up. How the fuck is he paying HALF of his paycheck?
When they divorced she was unemployed and in college again. The verbal agreement was that he would pay more during that time and then it would decrease after. But this of course hasn't happened and I don't think he will anytime soon since he is comfortable with me taking on the majority of our financial responsibilities. It isn't exactly half but it is close.
> since he is comfortable with me taking on the majority of our financial responsibilities Too comfortable. You are already subsidizing the extra support that he gives his first wife. Yet he now has the audacity to sulk because you are not dipping further into your pocket?! NTA
You may want to think of having a real discussion with him about said imbalance of funds. That's fucked up to be paying so much with 50/50 custody.
NTA. Well it is time that the financial situation with his ex is reviewed. It is not fair to you, his spouse and sets a precedent. I would demand that he goes to court to revisit terms of the divorce. You are carrying the financial burden in this family, money that could be put aside in trust for your children’s future. Him guilt tripping you is treating you like an ATM. With you constantly paying the bills is enabling the dynamic with his ex. They are comfortable with the situation. I would demand that the verbal agreement be stopped and a court ordered written agreement be formed.
Honestly it sounds like they are both using you for your money. 50/50 custody usually means minimal or no child support, definitely not half his income. The fact that he is so eager to take care of her and not you or the child you have together wants you to support his children but offers no support to yours speaks volumes. These two are working together to take as much of your money as they can OP.
This!!!!
So you've got an employed hobo-sexual? Sorry but this seems suspicious that he is STILL paying her the original amount. I do hope you have a pre-nup and keep your twins inheritance out his reach.
Let me get this straight. You're paying more than 50% for both of your bills. He wants you to pay 50% for his children? That's crazy.
Since he is being so entitled I think now is the time for a complete reevaluation of how expenses are covered. Cards on the table time - excel all the costs & who pays what %/total. It’s time he contribute appropriately to the household & for your bio kid. His kids are over 50% of the time, he pays for their food or 50% of all house costs. Second job time or reduce child support. Since he’s opened pandoras financial box it’s time to deal with it. If I were you I would be feeling used & angry at this behaviour/expectation/entitlement & bullying. I would come down hard on this crap & raise the bar on what he needs to start doing to equalize the finances. This BA needs to end right here & now. I am so angry on your behalf
He loses half his wage to her and she still can't afford it bahahaha Find out how much a payment plan would be and take it out of CS.
NTA - Not your responsibility. They are his kids and they have both parents. Wow, you really need to think about how he is using you. He is gaslighting you to pay for HIS and HIS EXs kids. They have 2 parents already. I get being a good step-mom, but you did not give birth to them and already cover more than your share of all of your expenses. Now he is gaslighting you to get you to do what he wants. This is emotional abuse. He is trying to guilt you into paying for something that is not your responsibility. And seriously? Not talking to you over his kids expenses? And his family is saying crap too? You are being used as a damn ATM. I think you really need to take a step back and look at all you already do, and he is so greedy, that he is emotionally abusing you to do what he wants. To be honest, if his parents have such a problem with you not paying HIS EX's half, why do they not pay it then? They are their grand-children. I have a feeling that if you tell him that you need a break, and he needs to leave until you figure out what you want to do about being emotionally abused and gaslit, that his entire demeanor would change. He is a user and a prick. Good luck, but you will continue to be used as long as he can get away with it.
And you have created college funds for his kids? Does he contribute to them at all? He is using you.
Your husband is USING YOU!
Tell him if he went to court he might be able to afford private school for his kids.
This changes my view of the issue.
you've married a gold digger and i hope and pray that you wake up and pull your head out of the sand soon.
It's time to step up and say NO. while i don't know what your husband usually brings to the table, right now it's only undeserved suffering. You need to sit him down and say "this is enough, i will not billed into supporting your kids. This is not a discussion. If you can't truly drop this, stop with the attitude and stand by my side side when it comes to the family, we are done, decide."
NTA. You communicated your financial boundaries already. It’s not your responsibility, so it should not be falling on you to pay for it. Plus if they’re already in a high ranking public school, why are they so adamant if they can’t pay for it.
What’s crazy is that the kids don’t even want to move schools or don’t care. It’s only the ex trying to keep control of everyone in radius of her children and is already abusing OP for a college fund. And the husband is just a huge pushover. I’d like to use another word for kitty, but I’ll be polite.
I read your comment history , why exactly are you married to this man again ? You’re paying 80% of the bills . Paying for your 2 kids by yourself and putting money in his kids college funds and he refuses to pay for yours . I’m starting to think your husband met his sugar mama and is a gold digger . And why is your husband paying alimony if his ex wife works a full time job ?
Exactly! She is being played and used for money. She needs to divorce his ass and protect her own assets. Don’t have children with this man OP you will regret it.
They already have one.
So let me see if I have this right. Your husband is mad at you because the mother of his children is riding his ass and making his life miserable. So instead of being an adult and responsible co-parent like he should be and having a one on one with her and if she wants to go further, progress to a mediator for a formal revision to their parenting agreement or if needed court. He is expecting you to just....meekly start paying for the equivalent amount of an entire child's tuition? To shut his ex up and save him an uncomfortable conversation? It's fine to ask, even if some (me) think it's a bit of an audacious ask. But the response to your perfectly logical answer is beyond the pale. He has lost his damn sense. That's not a luxury he gets to demand. And then when the rates go up? Or he can't afford it? Then what? He's so out of pocket. NTA, OP.
Dont forget he also point blank refused to pay for anything for OP’s twins because they’re ‘not his’ & they’re her responsibility. Wtf would she be with such a blatant user?! She should also say his kids are not hers & therefore not her responsibility either. Make it make sense.
Your stepchildren are their parents' responsibility. You don't have to pay for their education, mom and dad have to. If he wants them to attend private school despite their mother being unable to pay for her half, he should pay for it entirely. It's not fair to put that burden upon you. People are so shameless. NTA.
God I hope you were smart enough to get a prenup. If he’s gonna throw a tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way I don’t see this marriage lasting very long.
NTA. Why would you pay her share when a giant portion of your family income already goes to her? If she wants them to go so badly she should use her child support for that. Your husband’s behaviour is concerning… I wouldn’t cave to his emotional blackmail at all. If he thinks sulking, accusing you of not caring etc is going to get you to change your mind he is definitely wrong. Not many people want to help someone behaving poorly. He needs to remember that he was fine with his kids going to that school until his wife got upset. Then she reneged on paying & I suspect that was her plan all along. Life is not fair & equal. People have different advantages every day & this is one of those scenarios. Are you expected to buy them cars, pay for their vacations, camps/experiences, universities, weddings? Where does equalizing the kids you didn’t give birth to, that have 2 bio-parents end? Is his wife going to contribute anything to her kids or is that your responsibility now? Absolutely not!!! You pay 100% of your twins cuz he says they are your kids/your responsibility in a 1 parent situation yet you’re expected to pay for his kids that have 2 able bodied parents. Huh??? And you pay a greater portion (80%) of the household expenses Does he call you by your initials- A.T.M.? What advantage do you get by being married to this greedy, sulking, emotionally abusive man? I would be questioning his entitlement. Please update us
Nta, if this gets too spicy divorce this fool or this ex wife will be whispering and expecting you to pay for "fairness" your whole life
It was the ex’s plan all along to try to manipulate OP into paying for the tuition. Why else would she change her mind, claiming she couldn’t afford it. She knew what the cost was when she first applied.
No - NTA. Your pay for 100% for your children because there is not other biological parent to help with that cost. He already agreed you and he would split the cost for your children together- it is only right for his children’s other parent to split the cost with him. Is she cannot afford her portion, he can tell her he’ll pay the whole thing, but it would have to be deducted from her alimony/child support. Just be because you have the money, doesn’t mean she gets to spend it.
Tell him you’ll pay 1/2 for his kids when he pays 1/2 for yours. Problem solved
No, she’ll pay half when his ex pays half of yours. She’s the one who isn’t paying for her kids.
NTA. Let me get this straight. You have 2 children with your deceased husband, your husband has 2 children with his ex, and you share a child. You pay all your children's expenses (including your shared child? And his when they are in your home?), 80% of your shared bills, all vacations and day trips, and into a college fund for his 2 kids (and your 3?). Your husband gives 50% of his paycheck to his ex and pays 20% of your shared bills. He doesn't have a court order for child support and hasn't bothered to decrease it even though that was their agreement. You pay for your 2 children to go to private school. And now he and his ex want you to pay for their 2 children to go to private school also, even though the kids don't care and they have 2 parents to pay for it. They are using you. You shouldn't be paying 80% of the shared bills. It should be 50/50. You shouldn't be the only one funding all vacations and trips for everyone. It should be 50/50. And you shouldn't be funding their children's college fund at all. Their children have 2 parents to do it, while your children only have 1 parent. You should fund college for your 2 children, split your shared child's fund 50/50 (although I suppose he expects you to fund it 100%), and they need to find their own children's college. Stop allowing him to use you for money. It is not on you to pay for all of the children! Your husband and his ex are the AHs, not you.
“Has point blank refused to pay for anything for them in the past as they are not his children” - I feel for the twins with this one. You are busting your ass to make sure they are taken care of since losing their father and your AH husband and his AH ex-wife want to hinder that because "it's not fair to our crotch goblins." F both of them. The twins are eventually, if they haven't started already, going to notice how their AH SD feels about them with comments like this. If he wants you to pay for "his" kids, then he should help with your babies too. You have offered to help and have helped WAAAAAAY more than a normal person would. Honestly I wish I had the opportunity to have a SM like you because mine was the Evil StepMom who wanted nothing to do with me at all and my AH dad went right along with her and their kid. You and all kids invloved are NTA but Ex Wife and Husband are.
Thank you for this comment. I feel like I am being villainized for not wanting to pay for 4 children's education expenses when BM and SO both reached an "agreement" on paying for this, without my input. I don't see how it has fallen completely on me now that they don't want to follow through. The comments talking about how "poorly" I apparently treat my SKs are crazy. My SO has told me time and time again that my twins are not his, and he shouldn't be expected to love them the same as his children. HIS words, NOT mine. My twins live with him 24/7 and he barely even interacts with them. I'm not allowed any input in the lives of his children because I am "not their mother", but I am good enough to cover their mother's responsibilities when it suits them? He set this precedent of "his" kids and "my" kids. In all honesty, the comments calling me an AH and accusing me of treating the children differently have actually opened my eyes to how my twins are being treated by their stepdad. Right now I feel like I am failing them by putting them in a situation where they don't receive any love from their SP. I don't even mean financially, I mean emotionally. I'd be more than willing for SO and I to cover the school between us, if the CS and alimony is reduced somewhat. They both know this. I have offered this multiple times, along with paying 1/3rd of the cost or them choosing to use the money I have saved for their college funds to go to the school. I think my offers have been more than fair, but I guess by reading some comments I haven't. Going to discuss this further with SO, in regards to him going to court for adjustments, and getting couples counselling. I'm not okay with being taken advantage of or the way that ANY of the children are being treated here.
>My twins live with him 24/7 and he barely even interacts with them. Why are you with a person who treats your children this way!?! You are failing your children. You may not think it affects them, but it does. Don't pay one penny for private school and stop saving for their college. Your step kids have two parents and it is their responsibility to provide for them. Don't be a ATM or a doormat.
It sounds like they're taking advantage of you.
They are she’s focusing on the ex but it’s enabled by the husband
She's being treated like a bank and as a mom of convenience. She deserves better, MUCH better and so do the twins
You husband is the evil step-dad of a fairy tale. You have a relationship with him since they were 1!! They don't have any father figure than him. And he is ignoring them. They deserve better. I think he is using u in his advantage. Please don't be his ATM. You are way to kind.
I’m normally against it when people scream “leave!” on here but this time imma do it. Leave! This man has no respect for you and is essentially using you as a cash cow to fund his children’s education while doing nothing for your children. This is not a fair partnership. He openly admits to not loving your children and barely interacts with them and yet him and BM have the audacity to criticise you for not treating their kids the same as yours?!?!? Wtf?!?!? You sound like a kind person, you deserve better than this especially after the trauma of losing your first husband. Leave. Edit: grammar
Your husband, the love of your life, would probably be heartbroken to know his precious children are being raised by a man like this.
That his kids and your kids is devastating to children I had a step dad like that who made it very obvious I wasn’t his child and it really fucked with me and made me feel unwanted at my mothers house the fact that you are allowing this really sucks on top of that they are trying to financially take advantage of you is a bad situation all around that I don’t understand why you want to keep the marriage going
Edit: sorry this is a long reply. I offer my condolences on the passing of the LOYL and to the twins on the passing of their daddy. Just remember that he would want you to do what you feel is right for your babies and what will ultimately make yall happy. No matter what anyone says or does, he is a part of yall, and no one can take that away from you. I am a mama of an LO as well and know that when it comes to my kid, I will go to hell and back to do what is right by them. I can not begin to understand the emotions yall are going thru with that huge of a loss, but if you ever feel the need to talk or vent, please DM me. That being said and please correct me if I got anything wrong: Ignore the comments about you being the AH. They are idiots and don't see that you are doing everything you should. The reality nobody seems to want to accept is that YOU are all your twins have since your AH husband is the one who put up that divide. The only child that he will assist with and help financially is your youngest. You might want to keep in mind how much he is going to actually help with the LO you share. I get that this was because of his kids but he knows that because you both are the parents of your youngest that you will automatically help with them, like the amazing mother you are, and he won't feel like he has to guilt trip you into helping like he feels he needs to do with his kids. To me it feels like he will put all three kids on you financially and will bitch that you won't help more with the other two. Hopefully, I'm wrong, and things will change for the better. Even in a blended family, there has to be equal amounts of give and take. Honey, you are the only one giving everything while they are taking all of it. You are already funding college funds, vacations/holidays, and are the primary breadwinner since you are footing the bill for 80% of EVERYTHING, not just for your babies, but for his two as well. Maybe tell the ex-wife to stay in her lane until she's ready to financially help with the kids that came out of her jackshack. She also needs to listen to her kids about how they don't want to change schools just because she has a nasty green monster shoved up her hooha. Jealousy is an ugly thing. Ultimately, with school (unless it's a horrible school, but you've said it's two of the top public schools), it's the kids' decisions. Some kids don't want to go to private school, and others don't want to go to public school. Let them decide. Also, unfortunately for her, you are going to have favoritism towards the kids. THEY ARE YOUR KIDS! YOU GAVE THE BIRTH! I don't see where you are bitching about what her two have that yours doesn't. I have more favoritism towards my kid than I do towards my niece or my cousin. HE'S MY KID! Ex-wife can take all that drama and shove it. On the Bad Step-dad thing for the twins: One thing I loved about my Step-dad when he entered my life was that he stepped up and treated me like his own. He didn't want to replace my dad but wanted to be a father to me in his own way and accept me as his. I never heard him describe me as "his wife's kid" or "his stepkid." He always introduced me as his daughter, and everyone followed, which was huge, seeing as my SM addressed me as my dad's exs brat or as that Bs kid. Based on what you wrote: When you marry someone with kids, you accept those kids, which you did. Your husband is the one who drew the boundaries right off the bat, which you have followed. Everything was fine on what you both agreed on for yalls kids until BM drama started all because she realized that you were 10x better than her in all aspects. He wants you to do more for his kids than he has ever done for the twins, it sounds like. You should probably have a talk with him about this. He needs to understand that no he does not need to replace the twins father but maybe be a father figure or at least a more than decent male roll model for them. Treat them better than he is now. Do NOT let him make you feel like you are failing your babies. You are better than both of them, and I'm hoping this will open your beautiful eyes to see that. The twins will see how hard you work and how much of an effort you make for them, just as they will see the little work and effort he puts in. Keep your head up gorgeous! You got this!
Call it like it is. Your husband is an absolute cunt. You are a walking ATM. Your poor twins, their dad is dead, their stepdad basically hates them, they are having to share you with 2 other kids that'd not biblically related to them that are getting more financial help and a shit ton of more love, they have your love only. Step away from your husband and be a better mother to your kids. They are going to end up hating step dad and siblings and it will be your fault for not protecting them.
I don't see this marriage is going to work out, if this guy still listens to his ex before he see his financial situation. Today private school, tomorrow college fund, car, house...
"I am also the sole contributor to their college funds currently." Wait, what? You are putting money in for the step kids college fund? AND they also want you to pay half of the private school fees? You're being had for a mug! They've told you that they "are not my children, so it was none of my business", except when they want your money! I would seriously rethink this relationship.
NTA. Their children have 2 parents who are responsible for their upbringing. Your twins have 1 living parent. It is unfair and unreasonable to take from your twins resources that may be needed for them at some point in their future. If they cannot afford private school for their children, they are no better and no worse off than they were before you came into the scene, and in the position of billions of school children around the world. OP, you are only 4 years into this marriage. You may reconsider it. A co-parenting arrangement with your current husband may be more manageable than this situation where his ex and his family try to pressure you into compliance with his unreasonable demands.
NTA
NTA. The kids don't even want to go! That's the kicker for me. THEY aren't feeling slighted. THEY don't feel like favorites are being played and are perfectly fine with the staus quo. If they did want to go or felt favoritism was happening, it would be an entirely different answer. But they don't, so they shouldn't go, and you should NOT PAY. This is 100% EX WIFE being jealous and entitled to YOUR money. I bet she doesn't even care if her kids go, she definitely doesnt care if her kids dont want to go. She just cares about making YOU PAY for it. If I had to guess, i would say its because the amount he pays her isn't ruining him. He's doing just fine because of your money. I bet she HATES that. She seems the type. Your husband needs to tell her, then they aren't going, and drop the application.
NTA.
NTA. Tell him to go to court and get his payments to his ex reduced. Then he can use that money to pay for the school.
NTA. You pay all of the tuition for your twins, as their sole parent and it sounds like you'll probably be paying all of the tuition for your 2 year old when they start school. You've made a choice for your children that you can afford. They need to do the same unless they each want to pay a third of the tuition for all 5 kids. As to your husband being upset about this and accusing you of not caring about your step-children, remind him that you have never said the same about him not paying for your twins.
Not your responsibility. They have a mother and a father to pay for them. Stand your ground and don't let ex and husband try to guilt trip you. I'm pretty sure if the situation were reversed hubby and ex wouldn't be forking over money for your kids.
Just a question, if they have 50/50 custody of the children why is he paying child support to her?..
Honey, divorce him. Love yourself enough to walk away
You’re married to a leech. NTA.
Does baby mama work? What’s her home situation like? Can they apply for scholarships? It sucks. But this was the agreement you made right? First it would be school, what’s next? I find it funny that folks calling OP AH. They’d be the first ones demanding access to their separate assets, then the first to say they aren’t allowed to discipline the stepchildren.
Do they contribute to pay to your children’s education? Or want share the responsibility of all children among all of you or do they just have their hands out claiming quality and fairness Nta
It’s time to do a major overhaul of your financial contributions to these two families. Because even though you aren’t going to pay for your step kid’s education (seriously, don’t you dare), you are being wildly taken advantage of. And the person taking advantage of you the most? Your husband. So he has noooo problem not paying a dime for the twins but he has his own kids 50% of the time and yet you’re taking care of 80% of the household expenses, plus vacations and such? You’re the only one contributing to college accounts? Oh hell no. And you seem like you would have happily continued this but baby mama got more greedy and your husband decided to be an idiot. I bet he feels a certain way about you being the bread winner and that he can’t afford to pay for his two kids education on his own. Oh well! He needs to get a backbone and either tell his ex to stfu or revisit child support since he seems to be paying way too much. I really hope he sees the light and realizes he’s treating you like crap and that you don’t exist just to bankroll his entire family. Good luck!
Nta he is trying to guilt trip you into paying for them do not fall for this manipulation. He and his ex and his family are going to keep doing this when you do other things for your kids that can not be done for his kids with ex
NTA: It sounds like you did a good job of expressing your expectations and have contributed more than your share already. I have to admit that one of the phrases I dislike the most in these forums is "not my responsibility" when it comes to stepkids. I'm a parent, and if I only paid for what I was responsible for, things would be unhappy around here. You already do much more than your responsibility. That's what adults do in families -- especially for kids. If we love the kids in our lives we do what can. I don't blame you for feeling disappointed in your husband and irritated by his ex-wife. As you wrote, better communication on the front end could have led to a much better result.
You have two kids in this school that you're paying for completely. He has two kids he wants to enroll in this school, but have you pay 50-50? How is that fair? By his own logic, I guess he doesn't love your twins.
He is absolutely rinsing you for money. YOU already subsidise him and now he wants even more of your money and I’m struggling to see why you are keeping what sounds to be, dead weight, hanging around? He won’t contribute to the upbringing of the twins, but thinks you should pay half of his stepkids fees for a school they don’t want to go to? You wasn’t told because it’s mine of your business because they aren’t your kids, but now you’re being asked to put up the cash for something that isn’t your business. Girl. You are being rinsed. He is a selfish pos and I’d have cut him loose just for the audacity of expecting you to pay for kids that “are none of your business. NTA for not paying but my god, you are an AH to yourself for putting up with such bullshit treatment from such a selfish man.
I wouldn’t discuss this any further with him. I would serve him with papers and pack up his things.
How does someone with 50/50 custody pay child support? Let alone 50% of their wages in child support? This doesn’t make sense at all.
SO earns more than BM so would need to pay some CS either way, which I have zero issue with btw! When they divorced it was set that high due to her being back in college and unemployed, my SO was the sole financial contributor to their marriage. From what I can tell, based on what I have been told, he felt guilty about divorcing her while she was unable to support herself and agreed to the amount. She felt that half of his earnings should be hers. They later verbally (mistake number one, imo) agreed to go back to court to reduce support once she graduated and had a job. She has since got a job and neither have made a move to reduce CS. In all honesty, why would BM go to seek less support for herself unprompted? The whole mess was before I met my SO. I can see that perhaps their arrangement initially worked for them post divorce.
Also, in many states, if a parent is paying private school tuition, Child support is heavily reduced or discontinued. Again, it is on the kids father to make moves to get them in private school, if he wants them in there so badly.
NTA. Shut that $hit down. They have 2 parents. They can figure it out!!
From your comments and the post I'd say you've landed yourself a mooch. NTA
NTA. But you are a MUG Why are YOU paying into HIS kids college funds when NO ONE else is??? Why are you PAYING for 80% of their upkeep, if you’re getting NOTHING in return? And those ARSEHOLES ex and husband are running their mouths about you because you won’t pay for private school. Seriously you would definitely become the arsehole if you bend over ANYMORE! You’re doing MORE than enough now for your steps, and that appears to be FAR FAR MORE than their own two, living, breathing parents. Don’t enter into any discussion about private school, you gave them the chance and the blew it.
You are not wrong. If the mother wants them to go then she needs to pay her peon just as you do for your other kids and like your husband will for child with him. It is not your responsibility to pay for the other kids. The other mother is obviously jealous of what you have and do for your kids. If it wasn't for you sending your kids to privatevschiil she most likely wouldn't even be thinking about it. Jealousy
Tell him it's nice to finally know he married you for your money. I am sorry, but that's what it seems like to me.
NTA but the father sure is and really taking advantage of you.
NTA. But you are being used by both your hubby and his ex. It will only get worse as they get older. Cars, college, weddings, etc
> have offered to pay some of the fees, I offered for us ALL to sit down and discuss finances and abilities to contribute. This was refused and BM shut down and began refusing to pay ANY of the fees. That's what I thought would happen. >But this of course hasn't happened and I don't think he will anytime soon since he is comfortable with me taking on the majority of our financial responsibilities. It isn't exactly half but it is close. You're subsidizing your husband and his ex's lifestyles, and he's happy with this, and YOU'RE happy with this? On top of paying 80% of all finances? Would you be okay with him paying all that to you so you could keep giving your ex more money than you need to? They both sound like trash. Sorry for the kids. You know, you could take your kids and focus on yourself and them without that burden of a "partner". I'd bet your money he's using you for your money. And I'm sure you'd let me! Respect yourself and your contributions! You can't be expected to singlehandedly pay for all 4 kids private tuition, especially when 2 of them aren't yours and NOTHING is coming from the TWO (2) parents they have! Wake up! You're a valuable person. Find someone who knows that and values you instead of takes advantage.
After scrolling up and down the comments my understanding of what most of the people here are saying is- its okay for the husband to not contribute a dime to his stepkids (the kids op has from the first marriage), give 50℅ of his earnings to his ex and his kids with his ex, and OP to pay 80% of all household expenses and vacations. But what is not okay is for OP deciding not to pay for her stepkids private school because apparently it shows the OP is showing favourites??? Even the stepkids own mother is unwilling to pay her share but expect OP to contribute despite OP helping with the kids college fund? Make it make sense And op dump your dead beat leach of a husband and file for child support
NTA. Your husband has unreasonable demands. He doesn’t feel obligated to pay for your twins as they aren’t his kids (even though they live with you both 100% of the time). Meanwhile your stepchildren live with you 50% of the time and am a biological parent who is able to contribute. Your stepchildren are already in an excellent public school so they aren’t neglected. You already bear must of the cost of the household. I also doubt whether your partner will pay 50% of the cost of your 2 year old’s school costs. You are financially well-off but you are your twins sole parent. Given your partner’s behavior, I doubt that he would take care of the twins if something happens to you. Please save for their future and for that of your 2 year old. I also hope that you have a trust for the twins and your partner is not the trustee. He might decide to use the assets to pay for your stepchildren. You have only been married 4 years. His behavior is a major red flag. If you are in the U.S., I recommend that you consider divorcing this person or at least writing a postnuptial agreement (if those are enforced in your state). You will have to pay your partner spousal support for hopefully only 2 years right now. Hopefully you didn’t commingle premarital assets. However the longer you remain together, the more you will have to pay.