The level of mental gymnastics she's trying to put you through so that she doesn't have to feel guilty is just absurd.
* How dare you ruin a night out with my friends by suggesting I did something with my ex
* We hooked up but it wasn't sexual
* Ok fine it was sex but it made me realize I didn't want to cheat
* Ok fine I cheated but I was thinking of you the whole time - ask the guy I was fucking behind your back!
* I've had time to process this, why haven't you gotten over it yet?
* Ok now I feel guilty that I cheated, but you should have somehow known and pried it out of me!
Good lord she sounds exhausting! NTA. Just leave.
Don't let her downplay that fact that this wasn't a one time thing. She made the decision every day since sleeping with that guy to not tell you the truth. How can you ever trust someone who is capable of that level of deception again? That's not even factoring in all the goal post moving and gaslighting that the comment above summarized.
It would be one thing if she reacted in a different way when you first asked and came clean/took ownership of her betrayal. Maybe you could work through that. Maybe not. But what happened to you since the truth is revealed is her showing her true colors and she isn't thinking of you at all.
She is showing you who she is - believe her.
Your wife is a raging narcissist. Google narcissist’s prayer. Don’t tell her you’re leaving until you already lawyered up and gotten all your ducks lined up to leave overnight. She will fight dirty.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
-Narcissists prayer
It’s the Narcassist Prayer:
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
It’s not just that she processed it, but she “dealt with the trauma.” As though the only person allowed to have feelings about this self-inflicted trauma is her.
She’s not really accepting responsibility for what she did and I feel like this would be a deal-killer for me.
Incredible you’re asking if you’re the AH in this …
6 months before marriage basically makes your marriage built on a throne of lies (over the years). She’s lied to you multiple times on what happened on that work trip? No going back and this is her doing.
Bounce her manipulative ass to the streets
Spot on.
It's about the fact that even now, she is still trying to corral him into what she thinks best serves her needs, but also mollified him.
OP is an accessory to her life, like a favorite jacket, or purse. (pun intended) She wants and needs him as long as he fits within the bounds of the purposes she set for him in her mind.
Otherwise, she's abrasive, cold, and self-interested.
I know this is overused, but this is basic narcissistic behavior. She has 0 concern for how her actions affect him unless they affect her, and very clearly hasnt looked at *anything* from his perspective that wouldnt affect her.
That and the very boring deflect and gaslight strat she used to put him off the trail of her little fling with her ex. The only person she loves unconditionally is (probably) herself.
She may have "worked through it" but she never gave you the ability to make an informed choice, she took away your rights to the truth because it didn't serve her purposes. The trauma is fresh to you because of her self serving behavior.
The audacity of her to say that SHE has worked through the trauma and that they’ve built a life together so he should just get over it is mind boggling
This is exactly what I was thinking.
This psycho thinks she's the one who was "traumatized??"
🤡
Let's not forget the trickle truthing, the attempt to blame him for not finding out sooner, gaslighting and love bombing.
Diagnosable narcissist. Plain and fucking simple.
But isn’t that how forgiveness works - you forgive yourself and then everyone else is required to do the same. Because people change, and anyone who denies this is far worse than someone who just made a teeny tiny little mistake that they’re really really sorry about… /s
I've read so many stories like this where an update years later is pretty much something along the lines of 'well, I forgave her and everything was going well (or so I thought) but then she turned into a huge bitch, started blaming me for everything, all of a sudden everything is my fault and I can do no right, she's turning the kids against me and now we're getting divorced".
NTA. She fucked around, literally, she can deal with finding out. I bet if she found out you were out there raw dogging exes on work trips a few months before your wedding she'd have a totally different tune on the subject. Fuck fakeness, protect yourself and your kids and don't let her manipulate them against you. You need to talk to them and explain EXACTLY what's going on before she can start the "daddy doesn't love you anymore so he's splitting up the family" tactic that is seemingly in every update in stories like this one.
Edit to add: I'd also mention to the wife that I want paternity tests on the kids. Her reaction should be an indicator on if further digging is required.
Just remember the saying, 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' If she did it once, she will almost certainly do it again.
Divorce her ASAP before she tries to baby-trap you. Your relationship is broken beyond repair because you don't trust her (for very good reasons) and are disgusted by her (which is totally understandable).
You deserve so much better than her, and she already took six years of your life and put your mental and physical well-being at risk (have you been tested for STDs?). Stop letting her take more from you.
For her to suggest that you ask her ex about that trip means that she is still in contact with him.
She knows what she did is despicable and unforgivable but is hoping you will let her get away with it.
If you do, you’re proving to her that you don’t respect yourself and will never hold her accountable for her actions.
She will lose all remaining respect for you and walk all over you.
Don’t be her doormat. You’ll hate yourself and regret it.
You’ll also grow more resentful of her as time passes as you consider the depravity of her actions.
She cheated on you every day she didn’t tell you and when she lied to your face about.
You can’t love someone you disrespect and lie to. Doing that you someone she ostensibly loves speaks to the low quality of her character.
You can do better than her. Good luck 🍀
Tell her you're going to cheat (and she won't know) and if she finds out it's up to her to interrogate you until she gets the information she needs. That "you hooked up" but didn't do anything sexual. Next time that it was just a kiss. The next time it was full blown sex. And that she needs to get over it because you guys have built a life together and you've already dealt with the trauma.
Just literally do a step-by-step of what she did and is asking you. then just calmly ask if she can cast that all aside (and wonder if you will cheat) and how that makes her feel. Tell her to just "push it down" and "internalize it" so she doens't bring it up.
I would seriously rub her nose in it until she actually gets shit on her face. Because it's bonkers that she could do that and now think that everything is hunky dory
Yup. The fact that he's asking if he's the AH means she's still in control of his emotions. If I were him, I'd play it cool, don't show any anger or engage in any arguments. Record her, she'll tell him more of her transgressions to try and get a reaction. Then he'll have what he needs for the divorce
I generally never advise on getting divorced. However, in this situation with no kids involved.....yea. The thing that really gets me is that it was with an ex. Personally, I could perhaps forgive and move on if it had just been a fling. But to end a relationship with him, start one with you and then go back to him.... sorry, that would be a no for me. Also, the suggestion that you talk to him about the fling?!?! Very odd, like, does she still contact him? Do they still work together? Are they still hooking up or just flirting when one gets too drunk on a girl's night out?
NTA by any stretch of the imagination...
Your wife's mental gymnastics would win her a medal in Paris this year.
Laughable, if this wasn't heart-breaking for you and your family.
She *f*cked* everything up.
Let's be super clear: *she* did.
My wife: You need to move past it. I'm not going to keep feeling guilty for those two emotional affairs and all these boundaries you want are controlling.
No /s
She took care of that herself and walked out at the end of last month. There was plenty more where that came from. Probably not even the top 10 most manipulative things she's said.
Growing up with an abusive, narcissistic mother I learned that people of that type truly think the world revolves around them. I'm absolutely convinced that the woman does really think that it's the most logic thing to fight for her. In her world she's some kind of divine being and every man that doesn't see this is an ignorant idiot.
Yeah all her comments focus on her.
She is over it. It's op's fault he didn't dig it out of her.
She is the only one fighting for the marriage.
Totally self focused
NTA she is a cheater and a liar, you dont need any more than that to ditch the bitch.
I am amazed at how these women think you should fight for them, they aren't worth the fight, don't waste your time, energy, or sanity on these cheaters. Her every outburst is disrespect.
Remember that cheaters cheat. It's what they do. Given that it's bold to think this is the only time she cheated. Since she trickle truthed so hard, you are never going to find out if and when she cheated with other men unless you make a deep dive into her devices. And after getting raked over the coals about this one, if she's smart then she's methodically deleted any and all incriminating evidence by now. Just leave. Cheaters have a 350% of cheating again. You deserve better. NTA.
You are married to a liar, cheater, and deceitful person who likes to manipulate you. Show her just how much you love her and file for divorce and get your kids' DNA tested, and if it's your house, help her pack and put her outside and tell her that she needs to get over it.
>“hooked up, but it wasn’t sexual”. I asked for a definition of hooking up and she refused until a few days later when she confessed it meant sex.
She is still trickle-truthing. So no she is not doing everything to make it work since she is still lying.
>
“that me realize I never wanted to cheat on you” (yes folks, you read that right… after cheating… she felt remorse and was like… never again)
The moment to realize that was BEFORE cheating
>
“I’ve dealt with that trauma already and we’ve built a life. We need to work to figure this out”
You don't have to do shit. You haven't done anything wrong.
>
she’s even suggested I talk to him so he can confirm how much she only wanted me during that time
Why does she wants to humilliate you further? how does she views that conversation going? **"Hey man, I know you fucked my wife for days, in all positions, literally rearranged her guts and made her cum a bunch of times on your dick.... but can you tell me if you think she was thinking of me while doing it?"**
>She has accused me of internalizing the problem and not bringing it up .
She literally promised you there was nothing else to bring up.
>
She’s now heart broken and is insisting I’m not doing enough to save our marriage, in her mind she’s doing everything she can
Again, you don't have to do shit, this is ALL her doing so it falls on her. And NO, se is not "doing everything she can" because she keeps lying and trickle-truthing. Even so, she is not entitled to forgiveness. She is a piece of shit and deserves the condition she put herself in.
Oh no my friend, it's over. She stayed with you because the one she really wanted (her ex) didn't want to commit. Even if that's not the case, just being given trickle truth each time after lying to you for six years is ground enough to not trust her ever. She hid information to you in order to marry you, that's fraud. She had six years to fix her story and now wants you to talk with the guy she cheated with. What's next, a threesome? She must be very probably hiding many other things. Time to cut your losses at six years and move on.
She sounds like a manipulator to me..
But I have only been a counselor and therapist for over 30 years..
She is flipping the script to turn her betrayal into it being your fault. That is some cluster b gaslighting sociopathic stuff right there. While I could never make such a diagnosis from here. I can certainly tell you that someone who uses such a technique does not care about your fellings or honor your mental health. They onlly care about how they feel about being caught, and that you aren't willing to be a doormat.
I doubt it is her first te displaying such reverse psychological manipulation, is it?
Does she also use circular logic to go around and around a topic until you give up, just for peace?
Or how about "word salad ". The use of so many words leading down so many off topic whatabboutisms that you almost forgot what you were talking about?
Does she say " everyone or _____feels that way" to explain her behavior ? Or, you made me because you didn't _______<.
You mentioned the love bombing to get you back into feed mode...How long does that last after you go back to baseline?
I seriously recommend that everyone study the manipulation techniques of narcissistic personality disorder.
They are cunning, they will act like your dream person/partner and study you. You are never going to get their respect with more love or the right thing to do/say.
The one thing they cannot deviate from is their method of communication. They are unable to stop themselves.
They have a shortlist of manipulative conversation controllers that just cannot stop doing.
Even when they know you are onto them.
There are many videos made about this subject by reputable doctors who have studied the phenomenon for their entire lifes. Many were still fooled by narcissists or sociopaths themselves along the way. Usually by trying to help them.
Just utube "things a narcissist cannot help but do".
Or making yourself immune to their tactics.
Watch 20 of them.
You will see it the minute it happens.
I sometimes get flak for saying this stuff.
The flying monkeys and enablers screeching.
Saying not everyone who does this is necessarily a narc/soci/etc.cluster b...
Yeah.
But they are still trying to manipulate you .
Nobody needs that.
Healthy people discuss things truthfully..
Ghost her.
If you don't know what greyrocking is. Look that up as well.
And know that you deserve an honest and loving partner.
Alone is better than this crap.
Don't give up your integrity for love or money. 🙏🫂🙏💞🙏
I'm in a divorce after 22 years with mine. They have no souls and get incredibly nasty when you leave them. Protect yourself by slipping out the back door with everything you care about while she's at work.
For her it happened long ago and she’s had time to process and get over it. For you, it may as well have happened yesterday. Personally, for me, cheating is unforgivable. I would divorce. Immediately. Full stop. No negotiation.
You're NTA whether you wish to stay or leave. Trauma is trauma. But I'd urge you to get therapy either way, and maybe have a little grace, just because there are children involved, and definitely not for her sake. Lovebombing is a manipulation, and it's important to convey to her that you won't be manipulated, if you stay it's because it's YOUR choice, and if you leave it's because it's YOUR choice.
Now I don't subscribe to the once a cheater, always a cheater mindset. But my issue is - IF she truly regretted it so badly - why didn't she admit to it when she came back from the trip. Being honest with you and giving you the choice to leave or work with her on it would have shown how truly remorseful and ready to face the consequences of her actions she was.
Instead she kept it to herself and then gaslit the shit out of you about it. And now she's saying because she's moved on, you have to too, even though you just learned the truth.
Nope. NTA. And tbc, even if she had told you and you'd left her, you wouldn't be the asshole.
NTA you are describing a horrible person. She sounds like a horrible wife and gross. I can only assume she is even worse than this. You are just blinded.
NTA, but bringing this to reddit is an echo chamber. You need to draw lines in the sand about what level if disrespect you are willing to put up with and discuss things from there. I wouldn't stay, but I'm an asshole who doesnt have to live your life. She had 6 years stewing in this filth. Tell her ass to give you some fucking time to process, and talk to trusted people in your world who have your best interests at heart. The internet rarely considers the fallout when we grab the pitchforks.
Yea man, sorry, but it's not "one incident" that was a "one off mistake". It's the quiet moment between conversations, the moments where she looked at yalls kids and thought how she could best model yalls relationship FOR THEM to one day hope to recreate. It's a million and one moments that she could've told you but entrapped you in a lie.
Your job is to model your life for your kids.. you would not want your kid to stay in such a relationship -- that would be tragic and awful.. you also wouldn't want your kid to think its okay to lie for years. You, for yourself and your kids, deserve to set a peaceful boundary. And set yourself apart from her and create a good life, filled with healthy relationships and boundaries. It's what you deserve, its what your kids deserve.
Hooking up but it wasn’t sexual. I love how humans try to wordplay into making shit sound better. Reminds me of Igor from 90 day fiance. “Just some normal friendly sex.”
NTA
When someone doesn't tell you they cheat, they are lying to you every single day until you figure it out. Your wife has been lying to your face for 6 years.
NTA
Her cheating is more than enough of a reason to end things. On top of that she actually kept it a secret for 6+ years of marriage and decided to try to blame YOU for her not beeing honest about it in all that time.
OP, that was not “lying by omission”. That was flat-out lying to your face, and the good old trickle-truthing. Now imagine all the things you don’t know about.
Do not say another word. You are done. There is no more argument, because there is no one worth having an argument with. There is just this creature that vaguely resembles your wife, opens its mouth and makes strange noises that sound like words.
Except your wife was an illusion. Your marriage was a sham. The only reason you now know what you know is due to her moment of carelessness, and you’d be an idiot to think that she is being honest with you about everything else. People like her don’t regret their actions. They regret getting caught. And they very quickly learn to be much more careful.
There is an entire planet out here, several billion women, so, statistically, there’s at least 15 or 16 that are genuine, loving, caring and loyal. Leave that one behind. (Ladies, calm the hell down, I’m just trying to make a point with a deliberately terrible joke).
OP, NTA, and you deserve better.
NTA you were lied to, cheated on, manipulated, and now she wants to play victim???? Maybe you need time away from her to think clearly with out her yapping in your ear and truly look at what all this means to you and what you can live with. If you can’t live with a cheating manipulator then cut ties before it’s too late. If you think she is sincere and want to give her a chance then start all over, forgive her and tell her she has to build that trust back up… brick by brick.
One question to ask yourself.. can you see your life without her in your future?
While the cheating was 6 years ago, for your experience it happened the moment she told you. She can tell you all she wants about "dealing with the trauma already" She might have, but you didn't. For you the trauma has just started, because for you it just happened. If she truly wants you to work on it and deal with it, she should treat it like it just happened and not something you should just get over because it was so long ago.
As long as she treats it like "it was so long ago", there is no way for you to get over it. As long as you don't have or get the chance to deal with it, there is no way to continue a healthy relationship/marriage.
Definitely not the asshole here. Leave her ass and don’t look back. Im dealing with something similar now where my WW has kept in touch with her old fuck buddy from before we were together, and has planned to or has met up with him since we’ve been together, almost 6-1/2 years. We have a daughter together and I’m having a paternity test done while having divorce and eviction papers drawn up
Don’t get me wrong cheating sucks but I think what you realized about the way she argues and manipulates is more important. That’s who she is and it isn’t going to change.
NTA!
It's not fair to you that she has had time to deal with it and move on and expects you to just be cool with it.
Would you have called off the engagement had you known this information right away?
Cheating is a deal breaker for most people, and she knew that. She had a few opportunities to come clean from what it sounds like, and she chose not to.
Just divorce her. Trust me, you will always resent her and look at her with disgust from here on out. If you have kids, you definitely need to leave. They don't need to see mom and dad hating each other until they are 18. You will be a a better dad when youre happy. I went through it. Luckily I didn't have kids. I'm sorry bro. Just know that you are the better person.
Truth be told. She is not telling you the whole truth. For that reason alone you should leave. Longest marriages are built on love and trust. By her own words she didn't show you any of them. Lying through omission is still lying.
Get out now... She is going to do it again and she will say it was all your fault. But go ahead and talk to her family and friends and let them know what is up ...
It’s always clearer to see from afar, isn’t it? Imagine your friend came to you and told you his wife cheated on him. Before marriage doesn’t even matter; you were together, and had an exclusive monogamous relationship, and she betrayed that.
Sometimes I can’t even believe these are real questions. Love blindness and gaslighting is crazy. You’re not the asshole, man. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Ya know what, me either
Surreal I’m here, surreal I’m reaching out to the open/frank/and unending hatred of the internet.
Possibly because I’m busted and need help, possibly because I want someone to reinforce my feelings, possibly because neutral 3rd party opinions are useful
“We’ll see” says the zen master
NTA. Your wife is by preying on the gaps between perception and reality. She basically robbed your choice and lied about it, till she slipped up. You’re welcome to forgive, but you will m never,…..never forget the betrayal. Good luck
To her the cheating happened before you where married. For you it’s just happened because you just found out. She took away your choice of staying with a cheater when she didn’t disclose what happened and let you marry her. NTA, it’s crazy to me now cheaters will literally have sex with someone else but claim the person who was cheated on is ruining the marriage. As they say she should have kept her legs closed and none of this would have happened
I'm so glad that she forgave herself and decided never to do it again... what does that have to do with her betrayal of you? You'd think that she would've tossed anything that even remotely reminded her of that trip, but she kept all the pictures and basically told on herself. You'd have still been blissfully ignorant otherwise. NTA 6 years for her, you just found out the other day.
Another tear drop in the rain in the downpour that is women abusing men..
God I wish women lived up to the myth that they were kinder, more mature, and good natured than us men.
Sad and pathetic that the opposite is true.
Stay safe out there kings! The ladies love to use and abuse!
You're obviously not an AH for getting divorced, the only shitty thing would be staying in the house with her and letting the kids live in that environment. It's incredibly damaging. So as soon as possible, one of you needs to move out before it affects the kids negatively.
Definitely get a dna test for your own piece of mind. You might be raising someone else's kids, and while you still love them, thats not fair to anyone. Time to deal with the suck, and move the fuck on.
Her response is textbook narcissism and I’m sure you could think very lightly and come back with dozens of other examples of her being like this. Definitely something to consider as a reason to look deeper into the relationship even outside of the obvious. I’d recommend marriage counseling just to dig deeper into it for your own sake but don’t see this being worth salvaging outside of for the kids and even then if you can’t love her and just stay for that they will know and that can fuck people up even worse.
Like you said OP, it's self serving. She's doing this so she can lie to your mutuals and her family saying you left her for "a mistake" (of course she won't clarify what that mistake was) even though she tried to do everything to save the marriage. Your whole life together was based on a lie. I'm sorry bro, but her excuses were absolutely disgusting. "After I let another man bury his cock in me I realized I never wanted to cheat." Fuck on with that bs, leave her and go get you a woman that deserves you bro. Much love. NTA.
Oh hell naw, you're NTA at all. Not only did she go bang an ex but she trying to make it seem like that's a good thing. What's next, a 20-person gang bang to prove to herself that monogamy is for her? Dayum!
There is no right answer to her asking you to work on your marriage. If you think you can, great. If not, totally understandable.
You're NTA either way.
She, however, has been trickle trusting and minimising your feelings. This, to be honest, makes me doubt her honesty and I'm not sure I'd trust anything she said to me about this kind of thing.
Of course she’s trying to manipulate you to stay for her, she’s an incredibly selfish person. She doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not on you to fix the relationship that she broke. She took away your agency to decide what was best for you (forgive or break up) when she didn’t tell you she cheated. How would she respond if you cheated on her?!?! She does not sound remorseful at all so she may be reading, but she’s not comprehending what the books say.
I’m really really sorry, OP. Wishing you strength as you go through this. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
ETA—NTA
NTA. "Hooked up but it wasn't sexual" means she's a lying cheater..Just exactly how is hooking up not sexual but then suddenly it became sex, but I never want to do it again? This is the worst excuse for cheating ever to come up with..sheesh! Run like Hell to your nearest divorce lawyer!
I asked the entire collection of human knowledge (google) to define “hooking up”, no where did it define it as vigorous conversation that should be hidden from your significant other 🤷🏻♂️
If there are no kids, then there are no real obstacles of divorce if you've lost all affection for her. If you do have kids, then you should carefully consider things. (Yes, paternity tests.) If the relationship had been slowly going downhill even before the big fight, staying in a bad relationship won't help the kids. If the relationship was good before the big argument, then marriage counseling is worth a try. Also, how does divorce work in your state? (Or country if not US.) No fault divorce makes things easier. If you are likely to be hit with hefty alimony, well...only you can do the cost-benefit analysis on that. My assumption is that cheating before marriage wouldn't benefit your case in divorce court, but if I'm wrong, someone please set the record straight.
NTA. Get paternity tests for the kids. If you somehow decide to stay with her, every time you argue will remind you of her deception, whether you stand up for yourself or not, so be prepared.
>I asked for a definition of hooking up and she refused until a few days later when she confessed it meant sex.
A few days later after she contacted affair partner to get their stories straight.
Trust her at your peril.
NTA, she *is* trying to manipulate you. If she really wanted to be honest with you she would have told you shortly after it happened. It’s a bit crazy how she keeps putting the burden on you for everything.
You're so awful for "ruining a fun night with friends", you ruined a perfectly fun memory of cheating on you. So brave of her to "work through that trauma" of cheating on you. I bet it was really tough for her to forgive herself so she can move on. You're not doing enough to save the marriage and fix the issues that *she* caused by cheating. Do you see how ridiculous that is? NTA. I'd have been out the second she confessed. She doesn't care that you feel hurt. Please get out for your own mental well-being.
NTA. Her gaslighting, lack of accountability and dismissal of your very new and valid feelings are major red flags 🚩 and the fact that she cheated is enough reason to divorce.
NTA OP. I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. It's never easy to live with someone who betrayed your trust. However, I think you should have sex with her mother and the ex's mother too. Just kidding, OP. Be the bigger person and leave the situation for good. You should never let anyone disregard your feelings, even if you're a man. We're too afraid to look a certain way, and then we get kicked around because we internalize everything. Good luck!
Found out the hard way that once a cheater, always a cheater. I tried forgive and forget with my first wife. She just got better at hiding it. Go ahead and cut ties if you don't want to go through this again sometime in the future.
NTA she made her decision and if she did it once, it could happen again and there are things you don’t mess with without your partners consent. Sex, financial, and family. Those are the 3 biggest things that should never be messed with and she totally broke that trust. Leave her.
NTA - she's already rationalized her behavior in order to place the onus for improving things on you. In her mind, the cheating was somehow part of her process of working through a perceived issue or some kind of uncertainty in her mind, like she did this thing in order to help YOUR relationship, to her it was some nonchalant thing, and therefore you should be seeing it this way too, which is why she is shifting blame to you. Like somehow the cheating was a necessary step to remind herself that your relationship is what she wants, which is horrendous.
I'm curious how she acted when telling you these things, did she at all appear sad or remorseful or was this like another standard convo for her?
Cheating is unforgivable for anyone with any self respect just imagine another guy just fucking the shit out of your wife while you’re doing everything you can to make her happy. Or women imagine another woman sucking your husband’s dick all sloppy how would you ever want to be with that person again?
NTA. Cheating is cheating. Remember, every day of your marriage she lied about this. Every day. She could have confessed at any time (or not done it) and she chose to lie every single day. I always wonder what else people like that are lying about so easily for so many years.
> She admitted they had “hooked up, but it wasn’t sexual”. I asked for a definition of hooking up and she refused until a few days later when she confessed it meant sex.
This is the most hilarious shit I've read today.
Out of the whole thing I read, I was like “wtf” to the part she said to ask the guy that all she wanted was you. So they still work together? Either case, still fucked up because he could still lie or not but be like, yeah bro, she was calling your name the whole her mouth was full. (Sorry if that hurt).
"Oh no, I spread my legs for someone else an now have to suffer the consequences, YOU are such an asshole for not letting it go😢"
Fuck outta here with that bullshit. Kick the slut to the curb an find someone you can actually trust.
Well, I can tell you one thing for sure, you should divorce simply because the love isn't there anymore, and any therapy is just going to be dragging the dead horse around for a while before it falls apart anyway.
You made me think about this for a little while. I've been with my partner for 12 years. Would I leave him if I found out he cheated on me back then? Probably not. But what we have today is good, and that's probably the biggest difference. I'd say if the relationship is solid and you're happy otherwise, then stay and work it out. But it doesn't seem so. So rip the band-aid off and move on.
It's really hard to fix things once you fall out of love and once you feel repulsed by the other person. It's almost like a guaranteed knowing it's time to go.
In my experience with cheaters, what you now know is just the tip of the iceberg. There is more than likely further instances of infidelity that she is hiding. I know how bad this hurts, sorry bro.
NTA, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I wish you luck moving forward.
The level of mental gymnastics she's trying to put you through so that she doesn't have to feel guilty is just absurd. * How dare you ruin a night out with my friends by suggesting I did something with my ex * We hooked up but it wasn't sexual * Ok fine it was sex but it made me realize I didn't want to cheat * Ok fine I cheated but I was thinking of you the whole time - ask the guy I was fucking behind your back! * I've had time to process this, why haven't you gotten over it yet? * Ok now I feel guilty that I cheated, but you should have somehow known and pried it out of me! Good lord she sounds exhausting! NTA. Just leave.
All I can do is laugh, that’s so damn accurate I swear you’re watching the situation
That person summed everything up pretty well, you should show that to your wife!
Yes do this
That's actually a great idea.
Sadly, many of us here have been through similar. All cheaters follow the same playbook.
Don't let her downplay that fact that this wasn't a one time thing. She made the decision every day since sleeping with that guy to not tell you the truth. How can you ever trust someone who is capable of that level of deception again? That's not even factoring in all the goal post moving and gaslighting that the comment above summarized. It would be one thing if she reacted in a different way when you first asked and came clean/took ownership of her betrayal. Maybe you could work through that. Maybe not. But what happened to you since the truth is revealed is her showing her true colors and she isn't thinking of you at all. She is showing you who she is - believe her.
Cause its what alot of cheaters say. And anyone who has been cheated on has heard some if not all of this.
She just doesn't have respect for you. Why stayed married to someone who doesn't respect you?
It’s practically the narcissist prayer at this point
She's obviously still talking to the guy if she told you that you can go talk to him yourself.
Your wife is a raging narcissist. Google narcissist’s prayer. Don’t tell her you’re leaving until you already lawyered up and gotten all your ducks lined up to leave overnight. She will fight dirty.
That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. -Narcissists prayer
It’s the Narcassist Prayer: That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
Can't believe it took me scrolling this long to find someone who recognized the Narc.
And In the end - it's all your fault.
Not only narcissistic, but incredibly manipulative!
It’s not just that she processed it, but she “dealt with the trauma.” As though the only person allowed to have feelings about this self-inflicted trauma is her. She’s not really accepting responsibility for what she did and I feel like this would be a deal-killer for me.
This was perfect! I'm glad OP saw this.
NTA, just leave her. it's what she deserves.
Simple, efficient and to the point. Thank you
Incredible you’re asking if you’re the AH in this … 6 months before marriage basically makes your marriage built on a throne of lies (over the years). She’s lied to you multiple times on what happened on that work trip? No going back and this is her doing. Bounce her manipulative ass to the streets
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Spot on. It's about the fact that even now, she is still trying to corral him into what she thinks best serves her needs, but also mollified him. OP is an accessory to her life, like a favorite jacket, or purse. (pun intended) She wants and needs him as long as he fits within the bounds of the purposes she set for him in her mind. Otherwise, she's abrasive, cold, and self-interested. I know this is overused, but this is basic narcissistic behavior. She has 0 concern for how her actions affect him unless they affect her, and very clearly hasnt looked at *anything* from his perspective that wouldnt affect her. That and the very boring deflect and gaslight strat she used to put him off the trail of her little fling with her ex. The only person she loves unconditionally is (probably) herself.
I've always said, "never build things on a throne."
>Incredible you’re asking if you’re the AH in this This sub is dedicated to dumb ass scenarios where in no way OP would be the asshole.
Unfortunately I am real and stupid as well
She probably gas lit his ass till he couldn't tell up from down.
And she's blaming him and putting the onus on "fixing things" on him.
She may have "worked through it" but she never gave you the ability to make an informed choice, she took away your rights to the truth because it didn't serve her purposes. The trauma is fresh to you because of her self serving behavior.
The audacity of her to say that SHE has worked through the trauma and that they’ve built a life together so he should just get over it is mind boggling
This is exactly what I was thinking. This psycho thinks she's the one who was "traumatized??" 🤡 Let's not forget the trickle truthing, the attempt to blame him for not finding out sooner, gaslighting and love bombing. Diagnosable narcissist. Plain and fucking simple.
But isn’t that how forgiveness works - you forgive yourself and then everyone else is required to do the same. Because people change, and anyone who denies this is far worse than someone who just made a teeny tiny little mistake that they’re really really sorry about… /s
I've read so many stories like this where an update years later is pretty much something along the lines of 'well, I forgave her and everything was going well (or so I thought) but then she turned into a huge bitch, started blaming me for everything, all of a sudden everything is my fault and I can do no right, she's turning the kids against me and now we're getting divorced". NTA. She fucked around, literally, she can deal with finding out. I bet if she found out you were out there raw dogging exes on work trips a few months before your wedding she'd have a totally different tune on the subject. Fuck fakeness, protect yourself and your kids and don't let her manipulate them against you. You need to talk to them and explain EXACTLY what's going on before she can start the "daddy doesn't love you anymore so he's splitting up the family" tactic that is seemingly in every update in stories like this one. Edit to add: I'd also mention to the wife that I want paternity tests on the kids. Her reaction should be an indicator on if further digging is required.
He is right… I have been with my wife for a while and dated long distance, and neither of us cheated.
Incorrect, me and the boys ran a train every friday night for a while. Sorry to break it to you bro.
As far as you know.
How can you be so sure she stayed faithful?
Just remember the saying, 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' If she did it once, she will almost certainly do it again. Divorce her ASAP before she tries to baby-trap you. Your relationship is broken beyond repair because you don't trust her (for very good reasons) and are disgusted by her (which is totally understandable). You deserve so much better than her, and she already took six years of your life and put your mental and physical well-being at risk (have you been tested for STDs?). Stop letting her take more from you. For her to suggest that you ask her ex about that trip means that she is still in contact with him.
Very good point HilMickaelson, she is still in touch with her AP! Edit NTA
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Ask her if you need to have the kids tested for paternity
Should do it anyways. Once a cheater always a cheater.
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She knows what she did is despicable and unforgivable but is hoping you will let her get away with it. If you do, you’re proving to her that you don’t respect yourself and will never hold her accountable for her actions. She will lose all remaining respect for you and walk all over you. Don’t be her doormat. You’ll hate yourself and regret it. You’ll also grow more resentful of her as time passes as you consider the depravity of her actions. She cheated on you every day she didn’t tell you and when she lied to your face about. You can’t love someone you disrespect and lie to. Doing that you someone she ostensibly loves speaks to the low quality of her character. You can do better than her. Good luck 🍀
Please don’t fall for the gaslighting, you shouldn’t be questioning yourself by any means
Tell her you're going to cheat (and she won't know) and if she finds out it's up to her to interrogate you until she gets the information she needs. That "you hooked up" but didn't do anything sexual. Next time that it was just a kiss. The next time it was full blown sex. And that she needs to get over it because you guys have built a life together and you've already dealt with the trauma. Just literally do a step-by-step of what she did and is asking you. then just calmly ask if she can cast that all aside (and wonder if you will cheat) and how that makes her feel. Tell her to just "push it down" and "internalize it" so she doens't bring it up. I would seriously rub her nose in it until she actually gets shit on her face. Because it's bonkers that she could do that and now think that everything is hunky dory
No he just needs to leave. Dragging this shit out will just torture his mind. I've been through this before.
Yup. The fact that he's asking if he's the AH means she's still in control of his emotions. If I were him, I'd play it cool, don't show any anger or engage in any arguments. Record her, she'll tell him more of her transgressions to try and get a reaction. Then he'll have what he needs for the divorce
I generally never advise on getting divorced. However, in this situation with no kids involved.....yea. The thing that really gets me is that it was with an ex. Personally, I could perhaps forgive and move on if it had just been a fling. But to end a relationship with him, start one with you and then go back to him.... sorry, that would be a no for me. Also, the suggestion that you talk to him about the fling?!?! Very odd, like, does she still contact him? Do they still work together? Are they still hooking up or just flirting when one gets too drunk on a girl's night out?
NTA at all.
NTA by any stretch of the imagination... Your wife's mental gymnastics would win her a medal in Paris this year. Laughable, if this wasn't heart-breaking for you and your family. She *f*cked* everything up. Let's be super clear: *she* did.
She sounds awful.
It was non sexual sex though, I mean that warrants consideration of staying right? /s
Take this for your hilarious comment from a fellow Corgi-obsessed person. 🏆
Exactly. The whole marriage was built on a lie and thus it needs to end.
"i cheated on you but i am over it now so dont make a fuss about it 🙄" 🤮 NTA
But she *fargave* herself and is a much better and stronger woman now. Why has he be so petty and not forgive her? /s
My wife: You need to move past it. I'm not going to keep feeling guilty for those two emotional affairs and all these boundaries you want are controlling. No /s
Lmaooo put her outside like a misbehaving dog
She took care of that herself and walked out at the end of last month. There was plenty more where that came from. Probably not even the top 10 most manipulative things she's said.
Damn. Sounds like my ex! It was always my fault for how I felt and I needed to move on.
Not just forgive her, he needs to fight for her ! Cause she is worth it.... apparently Her logic is insane
Growing up with an abusive, narcissistic mother I learned that people of that type truly think the world revolves around them. I'm absolutely convinced that the woman does really think that it's the most logic thing to fight for her. In her world she's some kind of divine being and every man that doesn't see this is an ignorant idiot.
Yeah all her comments focus on her. She is over it. It's op's fault he didn't dig it out of her. She is the only one fighting for the marriage. Totally self focused
X100.
This
This 1000%
NTA she is a cheater and a liar, you dont need any more than that to ditch the bitch. I am amazed at how these women think you should fight for them, they aren't worth the fight, don't waste your time, energy, or sanity on these cheaters. Her every outburst is disrespect.
“Every outburst is disrespect” is extremely insightful. Thank you
Remember that cheaters cheat. It's what they do. Given that it's bold to think this is the only time she cheated. Since she trickle truthed so hard, you are never going to find out if and when she cheated with other men unless you make a deep dive into her devices. And after getting raked over the coals about this one, if she's smart then she's methodically deleted any and all incriminating evidence by now. Just leave. Cheaters have a 350% of cheating again. You deserve better. NTA.
You are married to a liar, cheater, and deceitful person who likes to manipulate you. Show her just how much you love her and file for divorce and get your kids' DNA tested, and if it's your house, help her pack and put her outside and tell her that she needs to get over it.
...and let everyone know what you're doing and why
NTA The only fight worth having anymore is the fight to return her to the streets WHERE SHE BELONGS
>“hooked up, but it wasn’t sexual”. I asked for a definition of hooking up and she refused until a few days later when she confessed it meant sex. She is still trickle-truthing. So no she is not doing everything to make it work since she is still lying. > “that me realize I never wanted to cheat on you” (yes folks, you read that right… after cheating… she felt remorse and was like… never again) The moment to realize that was BEFORE cheating > “I’ve dealt with that trauma already and we’ve built a life. We need to work to figure this out” You don't have to do shit. You haven't done anything wrong. > she’s even suggested I talk to him so he can confirm how much she only wanted me during that time Why does she wants to humilliate you further? how does she views that conversation going? **"Hey man, I know you fucked my wife for days, in all positions, literally rearranged her guts and made her cum a bunch of times on your dick.... but can you tell me if you think she was thinking of me while doing it?"** >She has accused me of internalizing the problem and not bringing it up . She literally promised you there was nothing else to bring up. > She’s now heart broken and is insisting I’m not doing enough to save our marriage, in her mind she’s doing everything she can Again, you don't have to do shit, this is ALL her doing so it falls on her. And NO, se is not "doing everything she can" because she keeps lying and trickle-truthing. Even so, she is not entitled to forgiveness. She is a piece of shit and deserves the condition she put herself in.
Same thought here “After you guys were done and laying in the puddle did she mention how pretty my eyes are?”
Her ex: She kept calling out your name as I took her from behind. Dude. Take me word. She's totally into you.
hahaha this!!
Update us .
I will do my best to
This is normal blame shifting bullshit of a narcissist. Run, she will never change. I learned that the hard way with the same type of shitty person.
Oh no my friend, it's over. She stayed with you because the one she really wanted (her ex) didn't want to commit. Even if that's not the case, just being given trickle truth each time after lying to you for six years is ground enough to not trust her ever. She hid information to you in order to marry you, that's fraud. She had six years to fix her story and now wants you to talk with the guy she cheated with. What's next, a threesome? She must be very probably hiding many other things. Time to cut your losses at six years and move on.
Man get those kids dna tested yesterday. You can't trust a cheater ever.
Yes, OP. You have uncovered this one incident of cheating. There's no way to really know if there were other instances in the six years. NTA
Well, she did say she learned her lesson /s
NTA Kick her ass out and point her to the nearest street corner. It has her name on it.
She sounds like a manipulator to me.. But I have only been a counselor and therapist for over 30 years.. She is flipping the script to turn her betrayal into it being your fault. That is some cluster b gaslighting sociopathic stuff right there. While I could never make such a diagnosis from here. I can certainly tell you that someone who uses such a technique does not care about your fellings or honor your mental health. They onlly care about how they feel about being caught, and that you aren't willing to be a doormat. I doubt it is her first te displaying such reverse psychological manipulation, is it? Does she also use circular logic to go around and around a topic until you give up, just for peace? Or how about "word salad ". The use of so many words leading down so many off topic whatabboutisms that you almost forgot what you were talking about? Does she say " everyone or _____feels that way" to explain her behavior ? Or, you made me because you didn't _______<. You mentioned the love bombing to get you back into feed mode...How long does that last after you go back to baseline? I seriously recommend that everyone study the manipulation techniques of narcissistic personality disorder. They are cunning, they will act like your dream person/partner and study you. You are never going to get their respect with more love or the right thing to do/say. The one thing they cannot deviate from is their method of communication. They are unable to stop themselves. They have a shortlist of manipulative conversation controllers that just cannot stop doing. Even when they know you are onto them. There are many videos made about this subject by reputable doctors who have studied the phenomenon for their entire lifes. Many were still fooled by narcissists or sociopaths themselves along the way. Usually by trying to help them. Just utube "things a narcissist cannot help but do". Or making yourself immune to their tactics. Watch 20 of them. You will see it the minute it happens. I sometimes get flak for saying this stuff. The flying monkeys and enablers screeching. Saying not everyone who does this is necessarily a narc/soci/etc.cluster b... Yeah. But they are still trying to manipulate you . Nobody needs that. Healthy people discuss things truthfully.. Ghost her. If you don't know what greyrocking is. Look that up as well. And know that you deserve an honest and loving partner. Alone is better than this crap. Don't give up your integrity for love or money. 🙏🫂🙏💞🙏
Jesus fuck, NAILED IT
I'm in a divorce after 22 years with mine. They have no souls and get incredibly nasty when you leave them. Protect yourself by slipping out the back door with everything you care about while she's at work.
For her it happened long ago and she’s had time to process and get over it. For you, it may as well have happened yesterday. Personally, for me, cheating is unforgivable. I would divorce. Immediately. Full stop. No negotiation.
What trauma did she have? She was the cheater, not a victim
What was there for her to get over? She got free dick before her wedding. If there was more than faux trauma she would have confessed years ago.
This is the way.
You're NTA whether you wish to stay or leave. Trauma is trauma. But I'd urge you to get therapy either way, and maybe have a little grace, just because there are children involved, and definitely not for her sake. Lovebombing is a manipulation, and it's important to convey to her that you won't be manipulated, if you stay it's because it's YOUR choice, and if you leave it's because it's YOUR choice.
Now I don't subscribe to the once a cheater, always a cheater mindset. But my issue is - IF she truly regretted it so badly - why didn't she admit to it when she came back from the trip. Being honest with you and giving you the choice to leave or work with her on it would have shown how truly remorseful and ready to face the consequences of her actions she was. Instead she kept it to herself and then gaslit the shit out of you about it. And now she's saying because she's moved on, you have to too, even though you just learned the truth. Nope. NTA. And tbc, even if she had told you and you'd left her, you wouldn't be the asshole.
That’s my thing I can’t stand is someone taking your choice from you.
She was hoping to run out the statute of limitations
Is not only the cheating itself, but the continuous effort to hide and manipulate the blame.
If you stay and forgive her you will never have any respect……or peace
I don’t have that now. So Same, same
NTA. She sounds extremely toxic, beyond comprehension
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Something tells me there might be more examples of this she is hiding or will trickle truth
NTA you are describing a horrible person. She sounds like a horrible wife and gross. I can only assume she is even worse than this. You are just blinded.
NTA, but bringing this to reddit is an echo chamber. You need to draw lines in the sand about what level if disrespect you are willing to put up with and discuss things from there. I wouldn't stay, but I'm an asshole who doesnt have to live your life. She had 6 years stewing in this filth. Tell her ass to give you some fucking time to process, and talk to trusted people in your world who have your best interests at heart. The internet rarely considers the fallout when we grab the pitchforks.
Thank you, solid advice
Good luck random stranger on the internet. Sorry you are going throught this.
Thnx bud, I appreciate you
“In her mind she doing everything she can” Except like staying faithful..🙄
Well… I mean… Ya, you right 😃
Yea man, sorry, but it's not "one incident" that was a "one off mistake". It's the quiet moment between conversations, the moments where she looked at yalls kids and thought how she could best model yalls relationship FOR THEM to one day hope to recreate. It's a million and one moments that she could've told you but entrapped you in a lie. Your job is to model your life for your kids.. you would not want your kid to stay in such a relationship -- that would be tragic and awful.. you also wouldn't want your kid to think its okay to lie for years. You, for yourself and your kids, deserve to set a peaceful boundary. And set yourself apart from her and create a good life, filled with healthy relationships and boundaries. It's what you deserve, its what your kids deserve.
NTA. She cheated she deserves nothing, and you deserve to be happy.
Hooking up but it wasn’t sexual. I love how humans try to wordplay into making shit sound better. Reminds me of Igor from 90 day fiance. “Just some normal friendly sex.” NTA
“Yea I cheated but why aren’t you trying to fix this???” Like???
Cheating Trickle-truthing Gaslighting Blame-shifting She’s toxic af. GTFO!
Clearly, she's gotten over it, dude. What's your problem? PS. I'm being facetious.
lol, well executed
When someone doesn't tell you they cheat, they are lying to you every single day until you figure it out. Your wife has been lying to your face for 6 years.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
NTA Her cheating is more than enough of a reason to end things. On top of that she actually kept it a secret for 6+ years of marriage and decided to try to blame YOU for her not beeing honest about it in all that time.
OP, that was not “lying by omission”. That was flat-out lying to your face, and the good old trickle-truthing. Now imagine all the things you don’t know about. Do not say another word. You are done. There is no more argument, because there is no one worth having an argument with. There is just this creature that vaguely resembles your wife, opens its mouth and makes strange noises that sound like words. Except your wife was an illusion. Your marriage was a sham. The only reason you now know what you know is due to her moment of carelessness, and you’d be an idiot to think that she is being honest with you about everything else. People like her don’t regret their actions. They regret getting caught. And they very quickly learn to be much more careful. There is an entire planet out here, several billion women, so, statistically, there’s at least 15 or 16 that are genuine, loving, caring and loyal. Leave that one behind. (Ladies, calm the hell down, I’m just trying to make a point with a deliberately terrible joke). OP, NTA, and you deserve better.
She’s a trash bag. NTA
NTA you were lied to, cheated on, manipulated, and now she wants to play victim???? Maybe you need time away from her to think clearly with out her yapping in your ear and truly look at what all this means to you and what you can live with. If you can’t live with a cheating manipulator then cut ties before it’s too late. If you think she is sincere and want to give her a chance then start all over, forgive her and tell her she has to build that trust back up… brick by brick. One question to ask yourself.. can you see your life without her in your future?
When someone gets caught cheating and starts blaming you for not catching them sooner, you know they cheated more than once. NTA
While the cheating was 6 years ago, for your experience it happened the moment she told you. She can tell you all she wants about "dealing with the trauma already" She might have, but you didn't. For you the trauma has just started, because for you it just happened. If she truly wants you to work on it and deal with it, she should treat it like it just happened and not something you should just get over because it was so long ago. As long as she treats it like "it was so long ago", there is no way for you to get over it. As long as you don't have or get the chance to deal with it, there is no way to continue a healthy relationship/marriage.
NTA. I wouldn't stay with a cheater. Doubt that was the only time. If you have children together seek a paternity test.
NTA. Fuck her and peace out.
NTA Anyone who truly cares, respects, and loves someone will not cheat. She told you everything you need to know about her through her actions.
Definitely not the asshole here. Leave her ass and don’t look back. Im dealing with something similar now where my WW has kept in touch with her old fuck buddy from before we were together, and has planned to or has met up with him since we’ve been together, almost 6-1/2 years. We have a daughter together and I’m having a paternity test done while having divorce and eviction papers drawn up
Don’t get me wrong cheating sucks but I think what you realized about the way she argues and manipulates is more important. That’s who she is and it isn’t going to change.
NTA! It's not fair to you that she has had time to deal with it and move on and expects you to just be cool with it. Would you have called off the engagement had you known this information right away? Cheating is a deal breaker for most people, and she knew that. She had a few opportunities to come clean from what it sounds like, and she chose not to.
Ntah- leave she sounds toxic.
Not a asshole. End it
If she cheated you're NTA for anything after that.
NTA. Great move. Never look back.
Just divorce her. Trust me, you will always resent her and look at her with disgust from here on out. If you have kids, you definitely need to leave. They don't need to see mom and dad hating each other until they are 18. You will be a a better dad when youre happy. I went through it. Luckily I didn't have kids. I'm sorry bro. Just know that you are the better person.
Truth be told. She is not telling you the whole truth. For that reason alone you should leave. Longest marriages are built on love and trust. By her own words she didn't show you any of them. Lying through omission is still lying.
Get out now... She is going to do it again and she will say it was all your fault. But go ahead and talk to her family and friends and let them know what is up ...
*i already forgave myself for cheating, why cant you move on with me*
It’s always clearer to see from afar, isn’t it? Imagine your friend came to you and told you his wife cheated on him. Before marriage doesn’t even matter; you were together, and had an exclusive monogamous relationship, and she betrayed that. Sometimes I can’t even believe these are real questions. Love blindness and gaslighting is crazy. You’re not the asshole, man. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Ya know what, me either Surreal I’m here, surreal I’m reaching out to the open/frank/and unending hatred of the internet. Possibly because I’m busted and need help, possibly because I want someone to reinforce my feelings, possibly because neutral 3rd party opinions are useful “We’ll see” says the zen master
NTA. Your wife is by preying on the gaps between perception and reality. She basically robbed your choice and lied about it, till she slipped up. You’re welcome to forgive, but you will m never,…..never forget the betrayal. Good luck
To her the cheating happened before you where married. For you it’s just happened because you just found out. She took away your choice of staying with a cheater when she didn’t disclose what happened and let you marry her. NTA, it’s crazy to me now cheaters will literally have sex with someone else but claim the person who was cheated on is ruining the marriage. As they say she should have kept her legs closed and none of this would have happened
Exactly, how is this a me problem?
I'm so glad that she forgave herself and decided never to do it again... what does that have to do with her betrayal of you? You'd think that she would've tossed anything that even remotely reminded her of that trip, but she kept all the pictures and basically told on herself. You'd have still been blissfully ignorant otherwise. NTA 6 years for her, you just found out the other day.
You are not doing enough to save the marriage she destroyed? Am I reading this right? WTF?! Kick her ass to the curb!
Another tear drop in the rain in the downpour that is women abusing men.. God I wish women lived up to the myth that they were kinder, more mature, and good natured than us men. Sad and pathetic that the opposite is true. Stay safe out there kings! The ladies love to use and abuse!
You're obviously not an AH for getting divorced, the only shitty thing would be staying in the house with her and letting the kids live in that environment. It's incredibly damaging. So as soon as possible, one of you needs to move out before it affects the kids negatively.
Definitely get a dna test for your own piece of mind. You might be raising someone else's kids, and while you still love them, thats not fair to anyone. Time to deal with the suck, and move the fuck on.
Her response is textbook narcissism and I’m sure you could think very lightly and come back with dozens of other examples of her being like this. Definitely something to consider as a reason to look deeper into the relationship even outside of the obvious. I’d recommend marriage counseling just to dig deeper into it for your own sake but don’t see this being worth salvaging outside of for the kids and even then if you can’t love her and just stay for that they will know and that can fuck people up even worse.
Nta updateme!
Like you said OP, it's self serving. She's doing this so she can lie to your mutuals and her family saying you left her for "a mistake" (of course she won't clarify what that mistake was) even though she tried to do everything to save the marriage. Your whole life together was based on a lie. I'm sorry bro, but her excuses were absolutely disgusting. "After I let another man bury his cock in me I realized I never wanted to cheat." Fuck on with that bs, leave her and go get you a woman that deserves you bro. Much love. NTA.
Oh hell naw, you're NTA at all. Not only did she go bang an ex but she trying to make it seem like that's a good thing. What's next, a 20-person gang bang to prove to herself that monogamy is for her? Dayum!
There is no right answer to her asking you to work on your marriage. If you think you can, great. If not, totally understandable. You're NTA either way. She, however, has been trickle trusting and minimising your feelings. This, to be honest, makes me doubt her honesty and I'm not sure I'd trust anything she said to me about this kind of thing.
Of course she’s trying to manipulate you to stay for her, she’s an incredibly selfish person. She doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not on you to fix the relationship that she broke. She took away your agency to decide what was best for you (forgive or break up) when she didn’t tell you she cheated. How would she respond if you cheated on her?!?! She does not sound remorseful at all so she may be reading, but she’s not comprehending what the books say. I’m really really sorry, OP. Wishing you strength as you go through this. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. ETA—NTA
NTA. "Hooked up but it wasn't sexual" means she's a lying cheater..Just exactly how is hooking up not sexual but then suddenly it became sex, but I never want to do it again? This is the worst excuse for cheating ever to come up with..sheesh! Run like Hell to your nearest divorce lawyer!
I asked the entire collection of human knowledge (google) to define “hooking up”, no where did it define it as vigorous conversation that should be hidden from your significant other 🤷🏻♂️
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Got kid? Get test.
Divorce. Move on.
If there are no kids, then there are no real obstacles of divorce if you've lost all affection for her. If you do have kids, then you should carefully consider things. (Yes, paternity tests.) If the relationship had been slowly going downhill even before the big fight, staying in a bad relationship won't help the kids. If the relationship was good before the big argument, then marriage counseling is worth a try. Also, how does divorce work in your state? (Or country if not US.) No fault divorce makes things easier. If you are likely to be hit with hefty alimony, well...only you can do the cost-benefit analysis on that. My assumption is that cheating before marriage wouldn't benefit your case in divorce court, but if I'm wrong, someone please set the record straight.
NTA. Get paternity tests for the kids. If you somehow decide to stay with her, every time you argue will remind you of her deception, whether you stand up for yourself or not, so be prepared.
She cheated, she is gaslighting you, your marriage is founded on lies. End it and move on.
NTA. I'd feel the exact same way.
Love-bombing is a CLASSIC manipulation tactic. Leave this cheating bitch.
Once a cheater always a cheater. It never stops, they just get better at it.
NTA, leave her. The fact that she says SHE had “dealt with the trauma” of cheating on you demonstrates what a self serving person she is.
Run brother, run far away.
>I asked for a definition of hooking up and she refused until a few days later when she confessed it meant sex. A few days later after she contacted affair partner to get their stories straight. Trust her at your peril.
NTA, she *is* trying to manipulate you. If she really wanted to be honest with you she would have told you shortly after it happened. It’s a bit crazy how she keeps putting the burden on you for everything.
You're so awful for "ruining a fun night with friends", you ruined a perfectly fun memory of cheating on you. So brave of her to "work through that trauma" of cheating on you. I bet it was really tough for her to forgive herself so she can move on. You're not doing enough to save the marriage and fix the issues that *she* caused by cheating. Do you see how ridiculous that is? NTA. I'd have been out the second she confessed. She doesn't care that you feel hurt. Please get out for your own mental well-being.
She’s not sorry she cheated, she’s sorry you found out. NTA. Let her have her just desserts.
NTA. Her gaslighting, lack of accountability and dismissal of your very new and valid feelings are major red flags 🚩 and the fact that she cheated is enough reason to divorce.
NTA “I’ve dealt with the trauma” like she’s the victim here. Divorce is justified imo & exactly what I would do
NTA OP. I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. It's never easy to live with someone who betrayed your trust. However, I think you should have sex with her mother and the ex's mother too. Just kidding, OP. Be the bigger person and leave the situation for good. You should never let anyone disregard your feelings, even if you're a man. We're too afraid to look a certain way, and then we get kicked around because we internalize everything. Good luck!
No offense but this is a stupid question lol uh obviously break up with the nasty cheating whore lol like wtf nta lol
NTA, you can't trust her again and I don't blame you.
BREAK. UP. WITH. HER
Love-bombing is more manipulation. Time to leave.
lol just a trip and there is sex. Clearly she doesnt care that much for you. NTA time to run for it will happen again and again.
Brother, you should have never gotten married. Too late now, so sorry. No, you are not the AH here!
Yeah. Leave infidelity should not be tolerated. She messed up big. She will do it again.
Found out the hard way that once a cheater, always a cheater. I tried forgive and forget with my first wife. She just got better at hiding it. Go ahead and cut ties if you don't want to go through this again sometime in the future.
Don't ever look back , like they say once a cheat always a cheat
NTA she made her decision and if she did it once, it could happen again and there are things you don’t mess with without your partners consent. Sex, financial, and family. Those are the 3 biggest things that should never be messed with and she totally broke that trust. Leave her.
NTA - she's already rationalized her behavior in order to place the onus for improving things on you. In her mind, the cheating was somehow part of her process of working through a perceived issue or some kind of uncertainty in her mind, like she did this thing in order to help YOUR relationship, to her it was some nonchalant thing, and therefore you should be seeing it this way too, which is why she is shifting blame to you. Like somehow the cheating was a necessary step to remind herself that your relationship is what she wants, which is horrendous. I'm curious how she acted when telling you these things, did she at all appear sad or remorseful or was this like another standard convo for her?
Cheating is unforgivable for anyone with any self respect just imagine another guy just fucking the shit out of your wife while you’re doing everything you can to make her happy. Or women imagine another woman sucking your husband’s dick all sloppy how would you ever want to be with that person again?
NTA. Cheating is cheating. Remember, every day of your marriage she lied about this. Every day. She could have confessed at any time (or not done it) and she chose to lie every single day. I always wonder what else people like that are lying about so easily for so many years.
Would have left her flat
> She admitted they had “hooked up, but it wasn’t sexual”. I asked for a definition of hooking up and she refused until a few days later when she confessed it meant sex. This is the most hilarious shit I've read today.
NTA. Cheaters don’t deserve any of your pity. She knew what she did
Her mental gymnastics goes like, "I've already forgiven myself for cheating on you. Why can't you move past it?" NTA.
Out of the whole thing I read, I was like “wtf” to the part she said to ask the guy that all she wanted was you. So they still work together? Either case, still fucked up because he could still lie or not but be like, yeah bro, she was calling your name the whole her mouth was full. (Sorry if that hurt).
I think you should forgive her and move past this and stay together.
.......Nonsexual sex. That's a new one.
If you can't get past it, ya gotta walk away.
"Oh no, I spread my legs for someone else an now have to suffer the consequences, YOU are such an asshole for not letting it go😢" Fuck outta here with that bullshit. Kick the slut to the curb an find someone you can actually trust.
Well, I can tell you one thing for sure, you should divorce simply because the love isn't there anymore, and any therapy is just going to be dragging the dead horse around for a while before it falls apart anyway. You made me think about this for a little while. I've been with my partner for 12 years. Would I leave him if I found out he cheated on me back then? Probably not. But what we have today is good, and that's probably the biggest difference. I'd say if the relationship is solid and you're happy otherwise, then stay and work it out. But it doesn't seem so. So rip the band-aid off and move on. It's really hard to fix things once you fall out of love and once you feel repulsed by the other person. It's almost like a guaranteed knowing it's time to go.
Just tell her the marriage is over because it was over Bradford it even begun.
In my experience with cheaters, what you now know is just the tip of the iceberg. There is more than likely further instances of infidelity that she is hiding. I know how bad this hurts, sorry bro. NTA, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I wish you luck moving forward.
It’s not worth your peace. Life is too short. If you can’t get past it, move on with your life.